Ep. 581 - Dems Horrified That Barrett Might Interfere With Their Right To Kill Babies
Today on the Matt Walsh Show, Democrats are coming up with a million reasons to oppose Amy Coney Barrett because they don’t want to be honest about the real reason, which is that she might make it harder to kill babies. Also Five Headlines including absurd claims of “voter suppression,” which we will analyze, and a harrowing video of an encounter between a mountain lion and a hiker. And in our Daily Cancellation, I will be canceling everyone involved in a viral video of a woman forcing her boyfriend to marry her at a Target.
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Today on the Matt Wall Show, Democrats are coming up with a million reasons to oppose Amy Coney Barrett because they don't want to be honest about the real reason, which is that she might make it harder to kill babies.
That's what they're really upset about.
Also, five headlines, including absurd claims of voter suppression, which we will analyze, and a harrowing video of an encounter between a mountain lion and a hiker that you don't want to miss.
In our daily cancellation, I'll be canceling everybody involved in a viral video of a woman forcing her boyfriend to marry her at a Target.
All of that coming up.
But first, you know, there are a lot of companies out there working constantly to undermine our values as conservatives.
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Okay, now speaking of the hearings, one must feel a certain amount of sympathy for the Democrats who have been put in
the unenviable position of having to invent some reason to oppose the confirmation of a universally respected, admired,
well-qualified female Supreme Court Justice.
Presumably they've already skimmed through her high school yearbook, found no ammunition there, probably decided it'd be too difficult to make outlandish sexual assault allegations stick to a woman especially, and particularly when they didn't even stick to Brett Kavanaugh.
So their options here are very limited.
And as the Senate confirmation hearings unfold this week, Democrats and their allies in the media have tried a number of different tacks.
They've looked at a few different ways they can go about this.
And with no success at all.
Having realized that their Ginsburg's dying wish gambit also wasn't landing, because there is no dying wish clause in the Constitution, as it turns out, they've rallied around the almost as absurd notion that Republicans would be guilty of court packing should they exercise their constitutional power to confirm a Supreme Court nominee.
Like we talked about yesterday, Senator Dick Durbin lamented that Republicans have, quote, taken every vacancy and filled it, pretending not to know That court packing is not when vacancies are filled, but when they are created by adding seats.
What else are Republicans supposed to do with a vacancy but fill it?
Saving a few for the Democrats might be good sportsmanship, but that hardly qualifies as a constitutional obligation, nor as a persuasive argument.
During opening statements on Monday, Senator Cory Booker claimed that the hearing was illegitimate because, as he eloquently put it, listen, The American people should decide.
The American people should decide.
The American people should decide.
I will not be voting to confirm Judge Barrett's nomination.
Very dramatic stuff there from Corey.
Very affecting.
I felt that.
Senator Amy Klobuchar, for her part, tweeting during the hearing, when she really should have been paying attention, I think, posted, this isn't Donald Trump's country, it's yours.
This shouldn't be Donald Trump's judge, it should be yours.
But what these appeals to democracy ignore is that the electorate gave control of the Senate to Republicans and elected Donald Trump to a four-year term.
Their mandate from the voters, like their constitutional power, doesn't expire a month before the next election.
The American people did decide.
Or to put it in terms Cory Booker might be able to understand, the American people did decide.
The American people did decide.
The American people did decide.
Democrats in the hearing have repeatedly tried to make hay out of the fact that we're in the middle of a pandemic.
So we've heard a lot about that.
On Monday, Senator Mazie Hirono spent her opening statement recounting the horrors of the coronavirus and its effects on the economy, or rather the effects of the lockdown on the economy.
But she could never quite explain why the coronavirus should prevent a Supreme Court justice from being confirmed, especially when it didn't prevent hundreds of Black Lives Matter rallies all across the country for three months in a row.
Booker sputtered something about how it's not normal.
This isn't normal to have confirmation hearings during a pandemic.
It isn't normal.
Now the obvious response to that claim is, so what?
Pandemics themselves aren't normal.
Therefore, the things we do during them won't be normal.
But that doesn't mean we should stop doing things.
As much as that has actually been the strategy, of course, for the last six months, not a good one.
And speaking of normal, it wasn't normal to attempt to block a Supreme Court nominee by accusing him of being a serial gang rapist.
Democrats seem to aspire to normalcy only under very limited circumstances.
And of course, some of the criticisms of Barrett have taken a more personal tone.
Much has been made of the fact that she served as a handmaid in a group called People of Praise.
But the protesters dressed in ridiculous red costumes outside the hearings seem not to know that handmaid, in Barrett's case, was a reference to the Bible, not a book written by Margaret Atwood in the 1980s.
And this sort of confusion is inevitable when your exposure to historical literature extends only to that novel plus Harry Potter and Twilight.
Now, predictably, the fact that Barrett has seven children has also been the subject of attack.
Many examples here.
Here's just one.
Author Lauren Hoff mocked the judge for her, quote, clown car vagina.
Many of the Twitter followers laughed and applauded.
One of them commented that delivering a child is like, quote, taking a dump.
Now, I'm tempted to say that many of Barrett's critics are jealous that she's an attractive and successful woman with a husband and children, while they have only their cats and Netflix accounts to keep them company as they slowly shrivel away into nothingness to be forgotten by everyone and mourned by no one, but I'm not going to say that because it would be uncharitable.
I won't say that.
Someone might say that, but I'm not going to.
Anyway, the interesting thing is that this narrative of Amy Coney Barrett, the barefoot, baby factory, handmade submissive, is being advanced alongside the claim that, as Slate argued this week, she is a ruthless, self-promoting careerist who's concerned only with her own professional advancement.
Now, of course, God forbid anyone were to utter such slander about, say, Senator Kamala Harris, who began her political career in bed with a well-connected and still married, we might add, California politician.
It'd be horrifically sexist to make that sort of charge against the Democratic vice presidential candidate, but bear it for obvious reasons, for obvious political reasons, is fair game.
These are all the desperate cries of people who cannot utter their real objection, except in euphemism.
Harris, joining the hearing remotely, declared that Barrett would undo Ginsburg's legacy.
By the way, there is no clause in the Constitution requiring that a deceased justice's legacy be respected or upheld either.
And she also said that Barrett would roll back Americans' rights.
What she means here, what everyone cited above really means, is that Justice Amy Coney Barrett might make it harder for parents to legally kill their children.
This is the real source of all of the impotent rage being directed at the nomination, the hearings, and Barrett personally.
If she believed in a mother's right to kill her offspring, none of the people mentioned here would be objecting.
On the contrary, they would extol her brilliance and beauty and bravery, and their venom would be reserved for the people doing what they themselves are doing right now.
Democrats have no problem with this flagrant hypocrisy because they believe themselves to be opposing literally Hitler.
The other side of the aisle, to them, represents abject evil.
Racism, bigotry, the enslavement of women.
Those in their camp who don't believe this at least want everyone to believe they believe it.
But meanwhile, it doesn't require exaggeration or hysteria or recourse to dystopian fantasy novels to believe, rather to notice, to know, That they are the ones who actually do support, fund, and facilitate one of the most hideous forms of evil the world has ever seen.
60 million human beings have been butchered since and because of the Supreme Court decision that these people hail as the high watermark of the civil rights movement.
Many of these humans have been killed in the very early stages of pregnancy, a fact that makes their murder no less evil.
But many millions have been executed at a stage late enough to require dismemberment before the corpses can be extracted from the womb.
This mass grave, this mountain of corpses, this systematic extermination of our own children, is what Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Joe Biden, all the rest of them, are so jealously and vengefully guarding.
They pretend to be fighting evil, and they've given themselves the moral license to lie and cheat to that end.
But they are, in fact, the genocidal fascists they pretend to oppose.
And we should always keep that in mind when we watch the hearings.
This week.
Let's get to our five headlines.
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All right, I want to show you one other thing from the hearings.
This I have to mention because it just exemplifies the fact that the whole mask thing is largely for show.
So let me, I'll show you this.
One example, okay, chosen at random.
You'll see this senator getting ready to speak and then watch what he does.
Watch.
Well, definitely some good news.
Senator Lee's enthusiasm for the dormant Commerce Clause convinces me you've made a full recovery.
Senator Whitehouse.
Chairman, Judge Barrett, America's worried about one thing above all else right now.
and it's our health.
Okay, so you see, as soon as he's about to start speaking, he rips the mask off with a vengeance.
He rips it off eagerly and like slams it down the table.
And I understand that.
You know, whenever I go grocery shopping at a store where I'm required to wear it,
as soon as I get outside, as soon as I exit the door, I'm ripping that thing off and like falling to my knees
and gasping for breath as if I've just come up for air after a free dive to the bottom of the ocean.
And I'm always perplexed to see, that's what I do, right?
But I'm perplexed to look around and see that it seems like everyone else, they leave the store and keep the mask on as they walk across the parking lot to their cars and they keep their mask on when they get into their car too.
Like they like having it on.
I can't wait to take it off.
So, you know, I get that.
And I also understand wanting to take the mask off so that you can speak and be understood.
That's one of the many frustrating aspects of this mask thing, is that you can't understand what the hell people are saying.
In fact, I was at a store last night and I was trying to talk to the guy behind the camera, behind the counter rather, But he had a mask on, and there was glass up.
It wasn't like bulletproof glass.
No, it was glass put there for the coronavirus, the magical glass that we see everywhere.
So he had the glass up, mask on, and he also had a pretty thick accent.
So I'm trying to communicate with him.
I can't understand what the hell he's saying.
We can't understand each other.
And so it was just one of those things where I had to say, oh, OK, yeah.
All right, I hope I'm giving the correct general response here because I don't know what you're saying to me.
That's how it is.
You can't understand what anyone's saying.
You can't see anybody's face.
I think there's a psychological effect there too.
I think psychologists in the future are going to have a lot of fun going back and looking at how we're all affected by this.
But going months and months in public, it just depends on where you live because some areas Mercifully or not as strict about it, but at least where I live everybody has it on all the time.
And so you go months at a time out in public and you never see anybody's face and you can't really understand them either.
Anyway, so that part I understand.
But here's my point.
If you're gonna take it off to speak, why are you wearing it at all?
The senators are sitting there wearing the mask, And they're not talking, they're just breathing normally.
And then they take it off at precisely the moment when they would be the most likely to spread it.
Though it's still extremely unlikely.
But still, it's incoherent.
If you're gonna wear the mask, wear the damn mask.
But if you're gonna do what I would say is the reasonable thing, and not wear it when you're trying to speak, then what's the medical reason to wear it at all?
It's like when you go to a restaurant now, And they say, you know, wear the mask when you come in and you're walking to your table.
You've got to wear the mask for that.
And then you sit down and you take it off and you carry on a loud conversation spewing your fumes this way and that.
Again, I'm not saying that you should wear your mask when you sit down to actually eat your dinner.
I see some people doing that and it's completely insane.
But what I'm saying is what the hell is the actual point of wearing it on your way to the table when you're not saying anything and then you sit down and then you take it off.
Of course, it's an offshoot of the airline thing where you have to remain socially distanced and they're very strict about it.
Remain socially distanced in line to get on the plane and then be packed in like sardines, breathing recycled air for the next six hours.
It just, it doesn't make any sense.
It's all for show.
Okay.
Number two, we're always hearing about this mythical beast called voter suppression.
We hear about it.
We're warned about it.
But we never actually see it.
We never see this voter suppression in action until now.
Claire McCaskill uploaded a video from Georgia and that I think she took herself.
I'm not sure about that.
But she uploaded this video, got a lot of attention, went viral.
Polls opened for in-person voting in Georgia, at least in this part of Georgia.
And she took a video and she says that this proves voter suppression.
It's a video of voter suppression.
So what are we going to see here?
Are we going to see voters being blocked from the entrance?
Are we going to see voters being thrown out of polling stations by bouncers?
What are we going to see?
Well, here's the video.
This is it right here.
This is the voter suppression.
As you can see, a whole bunch of people lined up to vote three weeks before the election.
This is voter suppression, they say.
Hundreds of people being able to vote three weeks early is suppression.
Right.
Actually, no.
That's not what suppression is.
The fact that this line exists is not evidence that people aren't able to vote.
In fact, it's evidence of the opposite.
In the same way that a long line for a Star Wars film is not evidence that people aren't able to watch Star Wars.
A long line for a rollercoaster is not evidence that the amusement park doesn't want you on the rollercoaster.
It's evidence that they want you on it, and a lot of people want to do it, and you can only board so many people at a time.
You can only get so many people into the building at a time.
Especially now with all these COVID restrictions.
So we're going to pretend that that's got no factor at all either.
It's just, it's what they're putting forth as evidence of voter suppression is evidence of the opposite.
It's evidence against voter suppression.
We are three weeks before the election and there's a line around the freaking block of people who can vote.
Yes, it might take a little bit.
It's inconvenient.
I was talking about this and someone said to me, well, this is about the inconveniences.
So what?
Doesn't mean you can't do it.
Just because you're inconvenienced doesn't mean you're being suppressed or oppressed.
If it's that important to you, then you'll just wait in line.
No big deal.
If it's not that important to you, then don't do it.
Now, skin off my back, I've made my point clear there as well.
I don't think we need to go out of our way to make sure that every last person votes.
But, if you want to, you can.
Okay.
Number three.
News in the Harvard Gazette says people who survive serious COVID-19 infections have long-lasting immune responses against the virus, according to a new study led by researchers at Harvard-affiliated Massachusetts General Hospital.
The researchers found that levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin G Remained elevated in effective patients for four months and were associated with the presence of protective neutralizing antibodies, which also demonstrated little decrease in activity over time.
So yeah, that's kind of what I thought.
And if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, it's all about the immunoglobulin G. You guys have heard me go on about immunoglobulin G many times.
I'm always talking about it.
And so this is good news anyway.
But of course, when Trump made this claim about himself, that maybe he's immune now, it was called fake news. In
fact, I believe Twitter flagged it as fake news, censored the tweet. I wonder if they'll do the
same with Harvard. Probably not.
Okay, Kanye West has released his first campaign ad, the moment we've all been waiting for. Here
it is. America. What is America's destiny?
What is best for our nation, our people?
What is just, true justice?
We have to think about all these things together as a people.
To contemplate our future, to live up to our dream, we must have vision.
We as a people will revive our nation's commitment to faith, to what our Constitution calls the free exercise of religion, including, of course, prayer.
Through prayer, Faith can be restored.
We as a people are called to a greater purpose than ourselves.
We are not only a beacon to the world, but we should be servants to each other, to encourage each other, to help each other, to lift up each other.
Our fellow Americans, that we may all prosper together.
We have to act on faith with the sure knowledge that we are pursuing the right goals and doing the right things.
We will build a stronger country by building stronger families.
Families are the building blocks of society, of a nation.
By turning to faith, we will be the kind of nation, the kind of people God intends us to be.
I am Kanye West and I approve this message.
Okay, so I have to say the production quality and presentation here is not the best.
And I'd expect maybe a little bit more from an artistic visionary.
But the message is on point.
I think the message is great.
I'm on board with most of what he has to say.
His campaign website has this ad, and then right under the ad is a bunch of merchandise
you could buy.
And then right under that is the presidential platform.
A lot of it is kind of the typical political talking points that you would get from a sort
of Democrat-like kind of person.
But the first item on the platform is good.
It says, Restore faith and revive our constitutional commitment to freedom of religion and the free exercise of one's faith demonstrated by restoring prayer in the classroom, including spiritual foundations.
I like it.
I think that I think this should be the message of the Republican Party as well, which it is sometimes when they feel like focusing on it.
So I don't know.
I might have to vote for Kanye.
He's a bit eccentric, but then again, if you're trying to avoid eccentricities in this election,
probably your best just not voting at all. Number five, a little nightmare fuel for you.
A jogger in Provo, Utah was out on a trail recently when apparently he unknowingly got close to
some mountain lion clubs, cubs that is rather. So mountain lion was getting next to a mountain
lion club where they're all gathered together. Probably not a good idea either, but especially
a mountain lion cub is what he apparently came in the vicinity of. I don't think he knew that.
But then Mama Mountain Lion, uh, appeared on the scene and was not too happy about it.
And here's how that went.
Holy s**t. No, go away!
Go away!
No!
No!
F**k you, dude!
Holy...
Gosh, f***, where's my gun?
Oh, f***.
Oh Oh
Okay.
This is when I f**king die.
Nope!
Get the f**k away!
Stupid kitty cat.
Holy, come on dude.
I don't feel like dying today.
That lasted for six minutes.
We can't play the whole thing, of course.
Six minutes he was backing up as the mountain lion escorted him away from the premises.
Now, the cat was not... Some of the headlines I've seen about this have said that the cat was stalking him.
But no, she wasn't stalking him.
She wasn't trying to eat him.
If she wanted to eat him, she would have.
I think if a mountain lion is stalking you when you're jogging, then you're screwed.
That's it.
You're not going to see it coming until the thing's jaws are around your neck.
But still, I mean, he's backing away.
If he had made any wrong move here, taken a wrong step, literally, he would have been dead.
Like, what I was worried about the whole time watching this video is if this guy trips while walking backwards on this path with a bunch of rocks and roots and stuff, if he trips, he's done.
If he had turned and run away, he'd be done.
So not a lot of room for error.
And it seems he mostly did the right thing.
He backed away slowly, he kept eye contact with the cat, he screamed, he tried to make himself bigger, he threw something.
Crouching down to pick up the rock is a very risky proposition when you're face-to-face with a mountain lion.
But for the most part, I think a pretty good strategy there.
And obviously he survived, so proof is in the pudding.
That said, far be it for me to Monday morning quarterback something like this, but I will say, if you're ever in this situation, one quick note I would make.
Put the phone down.
There is no advantage to filming it.
This isn't like you're in a confrontation with the police and you want to film it so that you can sue them later.
There's not any suing the mountain lion if she rips your face off.
That's not going to happen.
So there's no conceivably good reason to film in a situation like this.
And it does hamper you because you're looking down at the camera plus you're not able to, you know, you want to be waving your arms and making yourself as big as possible.
So he's holding his camera like this.
He might be waving with the other hand, but he's, you know, that second arm could make a big difference.
Um, so I, I, you know, this, I, I, I would just say if, if you're, if you're facing the possibility of being eaten, um, Probably your priority in that situation shouldn't be, let me get this because it's going to make a great viral video.
It does make a great video.
This is a really compelling video, I have to say.
But that, you know, that probably shouldn't be your priority.
who believe in abortion rights and marriage equality to learn how the focus on white conservative Catholicism overshadows their faith.
Yes, Catholics who believe in abortion rights and gay marriage.
I can think of many similar reports you could file, like I spoke with carnivorous vegans to learn how the focus on vegetarian vegans overshadows them, or I spoke with God-fearing atheists to learn how the focus on godless atheists overshadows them, you know, things like that.
Many examples.
There is, of course, no such thing, is the point I'm trying to make here.
There is no such thing as a Catholic who believes in abortion rights.
Because that would be a Catholic who rejects the moral authority.
This is not a small detail, okay?
If you're a Catholic claiming that you support abortion rights, then you are Catholic who... This means that you reject the moral authority of the Church.
And if you reject the moral authority of the Church, then you're not a Catholic.
You don't have to be a Catholic.
You're not required to be.
But being a Catholic is a certain thing.
Which means you're not.
Just like anything else.
You can't say, I'm a Mormon, but I reject most of the teachings of the Mormon Church.
Well, then you're not a Mormon.
You can be something else if you want to be, but you can't be that, because that's what it means to be that.
But we're gonna see a lot more of this kind of thing as the week goes on, I'm sure.
Okay, let's get to our daily cancellation.
But before we do that, don't want to forget it is baseball season and the old glory Daily Wire baseball bat is back.
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Now anyone can purchase it, but inventory is still limited.
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Okay, let's get to our daily cancellation.
Today for our daily cancellation, a video that may or may not be totally staged and fake.
Honestly, I didn't do much research into it before I started shooting the show today, mostly because I'm lazy and also because I really need this video for show content, so I'm going to assume it's real.
You see, I, like literally everyone else in media, I am at this point barely human.
I think of everything in terms of whether I can use it for content.
That's the only thing I care about.
Actually, I could relate to the jogger filming his own potential mauling because I might do the same, to be honest with you.
Like, if I were to accidentally drive off of a 500-foot cliff, the last thing I would think as I plunge to my death is that at least if I somehow survive this, it will make great content.
But anyway, my sociopathy isn't really the point today.
The point is that this video, which appears to show a woman fed up with her boyfriend, you know, and fed up with him not sealing the deal, deciding to put on a wedding dress and a fanny pack for some reason, grab her enabling bridesmaid and somehow a minister, and go to her boyfriend's job, which is at Target, to force him to marry her.
This is really a form of kidnapping, it seems to me, but here is the footage.
Watch this.
You put this ring on my finger two years ago, and it's time to do it or get out.
Woo!
Yeah, we're getting married right now, or I'm leaving, I'm out.
I'm done.
Like, if you don't marry me this second, I go on the pox there, I go on Emily,
she's my bridesmaid.
Hi guys.
I'm just finally making him commit, you know?
Like, we're getting married now, or like, it's over.
Woo!
Do it!
Yeah, we can talk about this outside.
I'm shaking.
Thank you so much.
Now, perhaps unsurprisingly, I am canceling all parties concerned here.
I cancel the would-be bride on the general grounds of her Apparently being a lunatic.
Though I suppose she gets points for getting married in a Target parking lot rather than doing the whole elaborate traditional wedding routine because if she did the traditional wedding routine, one shudders to imagine what sort of bridezilla she would be.
She strikes me as the type of bride who would break down in tears in the middle of reception because the napkins are the wrong shade of white or something.
In fact, now that I think of it, we may be asking the wrong question about this incident.
We're asking whether it's staged, but do we even know?
If that guy was actually her boyfriend, how do we know they knew each other at all?
Maybe she met him for the first time the previous Tuesday when she went to Target and he was working and she stopped him to ask if they sell sweaters for poodles and his friendliness gave her the impression that they were madly in love.
So she showed up a few days later with a priest and demanded that they marry on the spot.
You know, it's a tale as old as time.
Classic love story.
Could be the case here.
We really don't know.
But she's, she's, she's cancelling.
Cancelled.
I also cancelled a man, though, because a couple of reasons.
First of all, you have done something wrong in your relationship if you have given your girlfriend the impression that it would be acceptable for her to come to your work in a wedding dress and ask to get married real quick on your lunch break.
Also, I'm cancelling him on the assumption, let's just assume, that it's true that he's been engaged to her for two years.
And is stringing her along.
Her approach here is ill-advised on a number of levels, but she's right, at least, that two years is too long.
So she's correct on that score.
I'll defend her there.
So he is cancelled for that.
And they are cancelled together.
They have that in common, at least.
Perhaps it can serve as the foundation for their new life together as a married couple.
Their mutual cancellation.
I don't know.
Now, I understand that people today, people in my generation, are afraid of marriage, allergic to it.
That's why marriage rates have been dropping while unmarried cohabitation skyrockets.
And I understand, to some extent, why this fear of marriage is there.
It's somewhat justified.
Older generations, the boomer generation, they complain about millennials being afraid of commitment, but where do you think we contracted this particular disease from?
Baby boomers got divorced like it was their hobby, like it was their favorite thing in the world to do.
My parents are still married, but growing up, half of my friends had divorced parents by the time I was in middle school.
So a lot of people in my generation grew up in broken homes and didn't get the greatest example of marriage.
If you're wondering why your kids don't want to get married, consider the possibility that they were turned off from the whole enterprise because you suck so bad at it.
Maybe.
That said, you can only use mommy and daddy as an excuse for so long.
And swearing off marriage doesn't really make sense unless you're going to swear off romantic relationships completely and live a celibate life, in which case, more power to you.
There's something to be said for that, perhaps.
But if you still want to have that sort of companionship, Then you really have two ways of going about it.
Number one, strive to find and form a lasting, committed, stable relationship with someone who you can come to know and love and with whom you can build a family and a life together and grow old by each other's side.
Or, two, you can wander from one meaningless, self-centered, temporary relationship to another, the thrill of something new quickly giving way to dissolution and heartbreak again and again and again until finally you're too old for that sort of thing.
Your physical beauty wears away, and ultimately, you're left alone with no one by your side in old age and no child to care for you.
Those are really your two options.
That's really it.
Of course, option one can turn into option two if the marriage doesn't work out, but still, at the end of the day, these are, broadly speaking, what you have to choose from if you don't want to be celibate and become a hermit, which, again, more power to you if that's what you want to do.
To each their own, but I would highly recommend option one, and if you're going to go with option one, That requires some decisiveness, and yes, a little bit of risk.
You're never going to know everything there is to know about someone before you get married.
There's always going to be some mystery in the other, which is a good thing, if you look at it the right way.
And that means there's always going to be a little bit of a leap you have to take when you tie the knot.
Yet, putting off the leap won't accomplish much.
There's only so much you can feasibly learn about somebody before you've married them.
Part of the bargain.
And as far as that goes, you'll have learned almost all that you can learn very quickly.
One thing I hear from people a lot is that, well, you know, we have to live together for five years before marriage.
To find out if the other person has annoying habits.
Are you kidding?
Of course they have annoying habits.
Everyone does.
I have approximately 900,000 annoying habits.
My wife has counted all of them.
But you learn to have fun with the annoying habits.
At least I do.
My wife doesn't like the sound of chewing.
So what do I do?
Well, when we're watching a movie, I intentionally chomp on a bowl of tortilla chips just to piss her off.
It's a great time.
Intentionally annoying her is my love language.
Because I'm essentially still in sixth grade, emotionally speaking.
So don't worry about that sort of thing.
It'll happen.
You'll work around it.
I tend to think you can know if somebody is marriage material and whether you want to marry them in like a month.
I know I did with my wife, but let's be cautious and say six months.
By six months, you will know almost everything you can know about that person before marriage.
It's possible they're hiding some deep, dark secret.
It's possible your beloved is a chainsaw murderer.
But frankly, if you haven't figured that out in six months of dating, you probably won't figure it out in six years either.
And besides, chainsaw murdering isn't a deal-breaker in a marriage.
You can work around that, too.
Spice of life and all that.
So, make your decision in six months.
Get engaged.
Get married six months after that.
One year's all you should need.
One year, that's it.
One and done, let's say.
That's what I did.
And so I decided that, of course, everyone else should do it too.
And when I am theocratic fascist dictator of America, this will be, obviously, required by law.
Under my regime, upon reaching adulthood, you will be given six months to find someone and get married.
If you don't find anyone, somebody will be assigned to you.
The wedding will be carried out shortly after that.
There will be no reception, as music and dancing will be, of course, banned.
And then you'll have 24 hours for a honeymoon at Six Flags or something before being sent to work in the factories for the rest of your life.
There may be a few flaws in that sort of system, I admit, but it's better than what we're doing now.
In fact, really anything is better than what we're doing now.
Actually, what you just saw there is probably better than the way that most people my generation handle relationships.
So maybe I don't cancel them, in fact.
Maybe I cancel everybody else.
And look, they have a great story to tell their kids one day, if everything works out.
Um, and I, you know, I, I think that, uh, should it go that way when the kids finally hear that story, uh, they're, they won't be surprised because they'll know their mom and they'll, they'll hear that story and think, yeah, well, it sounds like mom.
All right.
So, uh, who am I canceling?
Uh, I'm, I'm canceling a commitment averse millennials.
I guess that's that, that in the end is who was canceled.
I guess the guy, the guy is canceled, not the woman.
We went on a circuitous path here, but this is where we ended up.
Okay.
That'll do it for us today.
Thanks for watching, everybody.
Thanks for listening.
Godspeed.
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