Today on the Matt Walsh Show, Michelle Obama comes out swinging against Trump, calling him racist and a liar and immoral. But speaking of liars, she lies repeatedly in her attack. We’ll get to the truth. Also Joe Biden makes empty calls for “unity,” but I’ll explain why unity in America is impossible. And in our Five Headlines, Hollywood plans a film lionizing Katie Hill, the congresswoman who sexually took advantage of her subordinates. Me Too was already dead, but it’s especially dead now. And in our Daily Cancellation, I will cancel all drivers on the road, except for me.
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Today on the Matt Wall Show, Michelle Obama comes out against Trump.
Apparently she doesn't like the guy.
Who would have thought?
Calling him racist, a liar, immoral.
But speaking of liars, she lies repeatedly in her attack.
We'll get to the truth today.
Also, Joe Biden makes empty calls for unity.
But I'll explain why unity in America is impossible.
And in our five headlines, Hollywood plans a film lionizing Katie Hill, the congresswoman who sexually took advantage of her subordinates.
Me Too was already dead, but it's especially dead now.
And in our daily cancellation, I will cancel all drivers on the road, except for me.
All other drivers are cancelled.
I'll explain why.
All of that on the way.
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All right, so Michelle Obama, who I'm repeatedly reminded is charismatic and deeply likable, though I've yet to find any evidence at all for this claim, released a video on behalf of the Biden campaign where she lays into Donald Trump, calls him a racist liar.
But in the process of calling Trump a liar, she herself Lies with impunity, especially when it comes to defending the violent Marxist radicals of BLM.
Here's some of that portion of what she said.
Listen.
They're stoking fears about black and brown Americans, lying about how minorities will destroy the suburbs, whipping up violence and intimidation.
And they're pinning it all on what's been an overwhelmingly peaceful movement for racial solidarity.
It's true.
Research backs it up.
Only a tiny fraction of demonstrations have had any violence at all.
So what the president is doing is once again, patently false.
It's morally wrong.
And yes, it is racist.
But that doesn't mean it won't work.
Because this is a difficult time, a confusing time.
And when people hear these lies and crazy conspiracies repeated over and over and over again, they don't know what to think.
With everything going on in their lives, they don't have time to fact check falsehoods being spread throughout the internet.
And even reasonable people might get scared.
And the one thing this president is really, really good at is using fear and confusion and spreading lies to win.
Patently false, morally wrong, and racist.
That's how Michelle Obama describes Donald Trump.
But she may as well have been speaking into a mirror instead of the camera, because her words apply much more to herself.
She says that the protests, quote-unquote, have been overwhelmingly peaceful, and that only a tiny fraction have had any violence at all.
How does she know this?
Well, research, she says.
Research backs it up.
I love it when people cite research.
Not actual research, but just the word research.
Like, what's your evidence for that claim you just made?
Oh, research.
Yeah, the research.
All the researches.
Oh, and evidence, too.
Research and evidence.
That's how I know.
That's it.
Research and evidence.
Now, she doesn't, of course, go into specifics, so I can only assume that the research she's talking about is the much-valued study from the Armed Conflict Location and Event Data Project, which did a study about this summer's protests.
And its findings were trumpeted by the mainstream media with headlines like this one from The Guardian saying, And what did this study actually find?
Black Lives Matter protests are peaceful despite Trump narrative, report finds.
And what did this study actually find?
Well, it says, according to The Guardian, the vast majority of the thousands
of Black Lives Matter protests this summer have been peaceful, with more than 93%
involving no serious harm to people or damage to property.
Now, already there's a problem with the serious harm qualifier.
What counts as serious harm?
And why shouldn't the supposed non-serious harm still be included as violent?
I mean, if you punch me in the face and barely managed to get me a nosebleed, does that mean that your punch wasn't violent?
Or does it just mean that you have scrawny toothpick arms and you punch like a child?
Now, in any case, let's just go with this research for a moment, for the sake of argument.
And say, okay, 7%.
It also says that between May and August, there were 7,750 BLM demonstrations.
Now what's 7% of 7,750?
I'll let you do the math.
750 BLM demonstrations. Now, what's 7% of 7,750? I'll let you do the math.
Mainly because I'm too stupid to do it. But I do know that it's several hundred.
So, by these very favorable calculations trying to put things in the most positive possible light for BLM, still we are left with the conclusion that there were several hundred violent BLM demonstrations that involved serious harm to people, property, or both.
In the span of one summer.
This, according to Michelle, is a tiny fraction.
I wonder, would she still consider several hundred violent demonstrations in the span of just three months a tiny fraction if these were MAGA rallies descending so frequently into looting and arson?
Would 7% be a tiny fraction of, say, pro-life rallies that involve torching abortion clinics?
Would 7% be a tiny fraction of fecal-coated chocolate chips in a chocolate chip cookie?
I'm just trying to figure out when 7% becomes tiny.
Is it only for BLM violence?
I'm pretty sure that if I were to say only a tiny fraction of people who've contracted COVID have died from it, Michelle would take issue with that, even though the fraction is far, far, far less than 7%.
Yes, it would seem that 7% becomes tiny only in a very selective and politically useful circumstance.
So when Michelle Obama, or anyone else on the left, defends mob violence as somehow peaceful, what she and they really mean to say is that, in their minds, the violence doesn't matter, or perhaps is even justified.
This is something to keep in mind when you listen to another message from the Biden campaign, also from yesterday.
This is from Joe Biden himself, who went to Gettysburg in a bit of a self-aggrandizing stunt to give a message on unity.
And here's what some of that sounded like, if for some reason you want to hear it.
Listen.
Here, on this sacred ground, Abraham Lincoln reimagined America itself.
Here, a President of the United States spoke of the price of division and the meaning of sacrifice.
He believed in the rescue, redemption, and rededication of the Union.
All this in a time not just of ferocious division, but of widespread death, structural inequity, and fear of the future.
And he taught us this, a house divided could not stand.
That is a great and timeless truth.
Today, once again, we are a house divided.
But that, my friends, can no longer be.
We are facing too many crises.
We have too much work to do.
We have too bright a future to have it shipwrecked on the shoals of anger Yes, unity.
We must have unity, not hate, not anger and division.
But remember that for the Democrats, rampaging through the streets, looting, throwing a Molotov cocktail at a cop, none of that counts as anger and division.
For them, unity and peace may include burning down the local CVS.
And this is precisely why all of the happy talk about unity, the speechifying, the empty gestures towards it, all of that is meaningless and can never bring about true unity.
Because as I've argued in the past, we are as a nation divided on such a fundamental and foundational level, all the way down at the roots of our being, That unity is simply not possible.
To unite, we have to unite around something, in something, for something, by something, because of something.
Unity for unity's sake can only ever be shallow.
It can't be lasting.
It can't be real.
But we live in different universes now as Americans.
Not even two different universes.
This is like a multiverse situation.
Everyone has their own.
We are unmoored from reality and truth.
And Biden and the Democrats They want us to unite in their universe, a universe where BLM radicals torching a police station are peaceful, and where babies aren't people, and where men are women, and where college graduates have a God-given human right to have their debts paid off by appropriating funds from those more successful than them, or even less successful, and so on.
All of their calls for unity should include that disclaimer.
Yes, come unify with us in our universe, in our reality.
And that I simply cannot do.
It's not even that I won't do it, it's that I can't.
I also won't, but I can't.
So where do we go from here?
Where does that lead us?
Well, I don't know exactly, but the happy talk isn't going to help us.
And certainly the lies from Michelle Obama and others won't either.
Let's get to our five headlines.
15 days.
Turns out, speaking of words not meaning anything, well, turns out 15 days means more like seven months and counting.
It's been seven months since the nation locked down because of COVID-19.
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Okay.
So.
We start here.
All right.
Number one, the perceptive among us, you know, really from the beginning knew that the Me Too movement was a fraud.
It was ideological.
It was anti-male while masquerading as an ethical movement, which it never was.
Now, if you need more evidence of this, even after all these years, then I would point you to Katie Hill, disgraced former congresswoman, Who had a special announcement yesterday.
She says, I can finally announce another exciting project.
I'm so honored to be played by the iconic Elizabeth Moss and thrilled to work with this incredible team.
Guess I'm about to add movie producer to my resume.
And there's a link to an article about this movie.
It's a movie about Katie Hill.
Lionizing Katie Hill.
With feminist favorite Elizabeth Moss in the lead.
I think she's the one, she does Handmaid's Tale, right?
Isn't she in that?
I have no idea.
But that's probably why the feminists like her.
Meanwhile, Katie Hill resigned from Congress, if you recall, following a scandal in which it was revealed that she was sexually taking advantage of her staff members.
She had involved one of them in a threesome with her then-husband.
And there were other major ethical problems as well.
Remember, we have been told, by Me Too, That power dynamics make it so that even consensual relationships oftentimes are not really consensual.
Okay, yes doesn't always mean yes.
This is what we've been told.
The power dynamics between a congress member and a staffer make it so that consent is not fully possible.
This isn't my argument, okay?
This isn't what I'm saying.
This is the Me Too argument.
This is what they say.
And according to that argument, Katie Hill is a predator.
According to them.
If they were to apply their logic consistently, which, of course, they don't.
You don't have to take it from me, though.
An apparent former staff member commandeered Hill's congressional Twitter account, which has just been sitting there, you know, after she left or resigned in disgrace.
She had her Twitter account, which she doesn't have access to anymore.
And this morning, there were some tweets coming out On that account, blasting the movie, saying that Hill took advantage of her subordinates, caused them harm.
You know, this is what the tweet said.
Hill now claims that the account was hacked, but there's no reason to think it was hacked.
Her staff would have had access to that account, and it looks like they're using it, or at least one of them is using it, to say, hey, you know, she was a pretty horrible boss, and she took advantage of her staff.
Maybe don't make a movie about her where she's the hero.
But Hill gets her own rules.
You know, she doesn't have to play by the same rules as everybody else.
You want to talk about privilege?
Here it is.
She's the protagonist in a film about her own sex scandal.
You think any disgraced Republican politician would ever get that treatment?
Exact same circumstances, okay?
Would that ever happen?
No.
Of course not.
Number two.
Now, it's long been my contention that Bill de Blasio of New York is not only the worst mayor in history, but also possibly the cringiest dork in history, too.
I think he might get that title as well.
If you don't believe me then watch this.
Yes, that was uh de Blasio heroically in slow motion with the music playing putting a mask on his face.
days.
We're going to go ahead and get started.
They took a video of that.
Puts the mask on, then offers an awkward salute as well.
I don't know who the salute is to, but he does.
And then he walks back inside.
Look, wear the damn mask if you want, okay?
But stop trying to make it into a heroic, manly act on your part.
Biden is doing the same thing.
Here's a video from the Biden campaign yesterday.
So you see him there.
It's supposed to be contrasting him with Trump.
And you see him putting on the mask like a champ while Trump takes his off.
How heroic.
This is what it takes to be a hero now.
Just put a mask on.
It's that easy.
Which is great.
I mean, I guess I should be.
I'm a hero too.
Every time I walk into a grocery store, I have to put the mask on because I'm forced to.
Actually, it's a heroic act.
I'm a hero.
All right, number three.
Meanwhile, speaking of dumb theatrics, with the VP debate coming up, There's been this back and forth between the camps, Biden-Trump camp, over putting a plexiglass divider between the candidates on stage.
Now, Pence initially balked at this idea, but has now agreed, has relented.
And you can see them putting up the divider there.
What does this achieve?
They're 12 feet apart.
They both tested negative for the virus.
What does the glass divider achieve?
Well, nothing.
I mean, if one of them could manage to infect the other, despite being negative and asymptomatic and being 12 feet apart, if they could somehow pull off that trick, then the glass barrier probably won't do much anyway.
So there doesn't seem to be much of a point here, at least medically or scientifically, But of course we know that the real reason it's there is for two reasons.
Number one, the Biden campaign wants it there because it gives the impression that Pence is sick and weak and infected.
It's bad optics for him.
So that's all this is about.
It's just to remind the public as they're watching the debate, oh yeah, that's the sick guy over there.
Even though he's not.
And that's what this is really about.
But also, number two, it's part of the COVID theater that we've seen all across the country for months, where measures are taken, things are done, often with no apparent scientific justification or reason, with no rationale behind them, really.
But the idea is that at least if we're doing something, it's better than nothing.
Even if the something is totally arbitrary and ineffectual.
And we've been in that kind of culture for a long time.
It's not just with COVID.
We've been in this culture where, you know, there's a bad thing that happens, or there's something we have to deal with, and the cry comes out from the public saying, do something!
Just somebody do something!
I don't care!
Just anything!
You get this anytime there's a, you know, a mass shooting.
And you have many Americans who say to the government, the federal government, just do something!
Just anything!
Just do something!
And they go and they pass a law.
Is the law going to help?
Is it going to actually achieve anything?
Does it get to the core of the problem?
No, but it's something.
And so we should be satisfied with that.
I'm getting a lot of that with COVID as well.
Ridiculous and not actually helpful.
Okay, number two.
So this is a story that I've largely ignored and for good reason, I think.
That's the story of Claudia Conway, the daughter of Kellyanne Conway and George Conway.
She's been on social media, mostly on TikTok it seems, embarrassing her mother, spilling secrets, things she claims are secrets anyway.
This is a 15-year-old girl we're talking about here.
And, you know, sometimes recording her mother without permission and posting it online.
Again, the girl is 15 years old.
And the leftist media, they love it, as you'd expect, because they have the ethical sensibility of a tarantula.
So for them, this is great.
They see no problem with it.
In fact, you can see in the headlines, a few headlines here were told that the 15-year-old Claudia Conway is the whistleblower of our time.
Now, the way they're taking advantage of this girl is obviously sick, and the sexual undertones of some of this stuff from the left is even sicker.
I mean, look at this from Neil Brennan, who's a comedian, apparently, on Netflix, no surprise there.
And he says that Claudia should make an OnlyFans account for White House intel.
OnlyFans.
Talking about a 15-year-old.
So that's all disturbing and gross.
But I keep going back, when I see these stories, You know, I keep going back personally to the question of why this girl has a phone with the internet in the first place.
If this were my daughter, and I understand the family dynamics here, and far be it for me to dispense parenting advice, okay?
But, and the family dynamics are very strange, at least from the outside.
I mean, there are complicated family dynamics in any family, right?
But still, I mean, if this were my daughter, I would take her phone, which I am paying for.
I paid for the phone, I'm paying for the service, I'm paying for everything.
So it's my property, it's not hers.
And I would take my property and I would bring it out into the garage and I would grab a hammer and I would smash it with a hammer and then I would throw the pieces in a garbage can.
That's what I would do.
So I'm not sure why she's allowed to continue having a phone.
But then again, look, this is coming from me, and I'm someone who... I can't really see any reason why any 15-year-old person should have a phone with the internet on it.
There's really nothing good that can come of it.
Period.
There is no net positive to your child, even at the age of 15, having a phone with the internet.
Nothing good.
So all you can hope is that the damage it does, which you know it will do, won't be that bad.
So at that point, it's all about damage.
You give them the phone, which you have paid for, and you've purchased it with your own money, and you hand it to them, this thing that you know is going to do damage, and now all you're doing is damage control.
What about just not giving them the phone?
If your kid gets to an age where they actually have a job and they can go out and buy the phone themselves, you know, maybe that's a good cutoff age for when they can have it.
If you can buy it with your money, even then, I mean, if they're living under your house, it's your rules.
And if you tell them they can't have, even if it's their money, it's still your house.
You can have the rules you want, but I could see an argument there.
If it's their, if it's, if it's their money and their earning, and that's what they want to spend it on, then there could be a good lesson there.
When it's not even their money, and you're paying for it and buying it, going out of your way, spending all this money on these expensive gadgets that you know will hurt them, I just... I don't see it.
I don't know.
I don't see the parenting strategy.
I really don't.
Number five.
Finally, they got him, folks.
This is it.
They finally got him.
They have proven that Donald Trump is actually as suspected Literally Hitler.
Literally.
Okay?
Matt Danzyko, a self-described journalist and filmmaker, he has, on Twitter, taken the video that Trump released of him returning from the hospital, and he's juxtaposed it next to the Triumph of the Will, which is a Nazi propaganda film from the 30s.
And what he found is stunning.
Okay?
Just watch this.
You can see it here.
And if you're listening to the audio podcast, what we're seeing here is it matches up exactly.
The two videos match up exactly.
Shot for shot.
You can see it.
Right down the line.
Stunning.
Apparently, the Trump campaign decided to do a shot-for-shot remake of a Nazi propaganda film.
Because why not?
Well, I can think of many reasons why not, actually.
And I can't think of any reasons to do that.
Even if you are secret Nazis, why would you do that?
The whole point of being a secret Nazi is that you don't let people know.
So that doesn't make a lot of sense, although it starts to make sense and becomes less confusing when you realize that, oh, no, wait, they didn't do that at all.
This is total nonsense.
It has over 20,000 retweets on Twitter, of course, but it's total absolute nonsense.
What Dan Zico actually did is he took a two-hour Nazi film and he searched for shots that resembled the Trump video.
And all the Trump video, the Trump video is just simply helicopter lands, Trump walks out, and then he's on a balcony.
That's it.
That's all the video is.
Now, if the video lined up that perfectly, like, if the Triumph of the Will was also just a two-minute video, and the shots lined up that perfectly, then even I would admit, well, it's probably, you know, that's probably still a coincidence, but it's a hell of a coincidence.
Except in this case, no, they took a two-hour movie, or this guy took a two-hour movie, and searched through, cherry-picking the same sorts of shots, and then just lined them up, edited, stitched it together.
He basically, he made his own Nazi propaganda film.
This isn't, that, what you just saw there, that's not Triumph of the Will.
That's Matt Danzyko's Nazi propaganda film that he created.
After the fact, he created it based on the Trump video and then said, wow, these things really line up.
Who would have thought?
How did that happen?
Well, I know how it happened.
I did it myself.
Now, the problem, of course, is that you could do that with any political ad.
Okay, you could take any political ad, probably, and you could find in it probably a few shots, at least, that resemble some Nazi propaganda.
Oh, look, they're both waving on a balcony.
You know what else you could do?
You could search through Mein Kampf, I bet, to find the same words.
I bet you there are words in Mein Kampf that are also in other books.
In fact, I have my copy of Mein Kampf right here.
I could even, just looking through it, for example, the word of, the word the, Both in Mein Kampf.
My God.
Think about this.
Of and the.
The and of.
Where do those words sound familiar?
The art of the deal?
The Trump book?
Wow.
The Trump book is essentially Mein Kampf.
Incredible.
Anyway, by the way, this is not really Mein Kampf.
Just so you know, media matters.
This is not really Mein Kampf.
This is Bill Bryson, a short history of nearly everything.
I don't mean to impugn Bill Bryson in this way.
This is actually a great book, and it's got nothing to do- just to clarify, it's got nothing to do with Nazi- Nazis or Hitler or anything like that.
Okay.
Alright, let's- so that's it.
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All right, and also I should mention another quick programming note that tonight, make sure to tune in to All Access.
I will be What's the phrase I'm supposed to use?
Live reacting to the VP debate tonight, which will be a very... Maybe I'll do it in front of plexiglass myself to make sure that nobody gets infected while watching.
But tune in tonight at 8.45 p.m.
Eastern, 5.45 p.m.
Pacific time, and we'll have fun doing that.
Okay, let's get to our daily cancellation.
Today for our daily cancellation, I will be cancelling drivers.
All drivers in America, except for me.
I'm the only driver who is not cancelled because I'm the only good one.
All other drivers are cancelled.
You are all no longer allowed on the roadways.
So I expect smooth sailing for myself on the highways from here on out.
As the only person in the country who knows how to drive.
Now, I have long suspected that I am the only good driver.
I've known it from before I even had a license.
My dad took me out to give me driving lessons when I was 16.
By the end of the first drive, I was giving him the lessons.
That's not entirely true, I guess.
I think after my first lesson, he was yelling at me that if I don't learn to stop at stop signs, I'm gonna hit someone and kill them, and he's not gonna bail me out of jail.
But anyway, the point is, very quickly over time, I became the only good driver.
Now, it's well known that every man believes that he is the only good driver.
My dad believed it about himself, and his dad about himself.
And you, if you're a man listening, probably think it about yourself.
But it's not you, I assure you.
It is me.
Which is an honor, and a point of pride, but also a burden.
Because I have to constantly deal with the awful driving of everybody else.
This has especially been the case over the last two weeks when I've done a significant amount of long-distance driving, hither and yon, there and back, and everything else.
And I'll be continuing that, by the way.
I'm driving up to Grove City for my speech after the show today.
Let's go through a list of the types of drivers who are especially cancelled.
You'll certainly find yourself on this list somewhere.
sure you come and tune into that.
But my recent driving is only affirmed and confirmed that everyone is bad at driving except for me.
Now, let's go through a list of the types of drivers who are especially canceled.
You'll certainly find yourself on this list somewhere.
There are the obvious villains, the drivers who drive too slow in the passing lane
or pass in the right lane, the drivers who don't use their turn signals, the drivers who turn their
turn signals on far too early or far too late,
drivers who drive under the speed limit on one lane roads.
And let the cars pile up behind them, going on like that for miles, while the people in the cars
trailing behind stew with rage and begin engaging in violent and unspeakable fantasies,
drivers who take too long to start driving again when the light turns green, and also
drivers who start honking immediately when the light turns green and don't even
give you a damn second to move your foot from the brake to the gas pedal.
Drivers who speed like psychopaths in residential neighborhoods.
Drivers who use their high beams when there are other cars directly in front of them, or driving past them in the opposite lane.
Drivers who slam on their brakes when they see a cop in a speed trap, nearly causing a 15-car pileup, and also calling attention to the fact that they were just speeding.
Okay, the cops aren't dumb, they're gonna see that.
Dozens of other examples, but here are the three main terrorists of the roadways that deserve specific and special condemnation.
Number one.
Drivers who don't know how to merge properly.
I've always said that merging should be on the driver's exam.
Maybe it is now, I don't know.
When I went through it, it wasn't.
Instead, you practice making three-point turns and doing a couple other things, and then the final test, the final boss of the driver's exam, when I was doing it, was a parallel parking.
Parallel parking, a skill that, as expected, I excel at, but that most people can go their whole lives avoiding if they really want to.
Merging, on the other hand, you can't avoid.
If you do it wrong, as many people do, you'll get someone killed.
Now, you'll notice in a merging situation, as you are merging onto the highway, there is most of the time a sign that says yield.
And very often there is a thing called a merge lane.
This is an area for you to drive on as you merge.
But most people experience some kind of selective blindness and act as though the yield and merge lane don't exist.
What they'll do is, in rarer cases, just dart right into traffic, charging in as if the other cars on the highway are made of pixie dust so there's no need to worry about collisions.
More commonly though, drivers will treat the yield like a stop sign.
And the merge lane, like it will collapse into a sinkhole if they drive on it too far.
So they'll come to a screeching halt in the merge lane and wait for an opening in traffic and then enter the highway going about 14 miles an hour, oftentimes causing whole busloads of orphans and puppies to veer around them and go careening off the highway and over a cliff.
It happens all the time.
Now, it's like they take that entrance ramp and as soon as they see the highway, they panic.
And they just stop still and they start shouting, what do I do?
What do I do?
Help!
Help!
What do I do?
You drive is what you do.
Okay?
What you're supposed to do is continue driving along the merge lane, speeding up to match the speed of traffic, yielding to oncoming traffic and entering the highway as soon as space opens up and allows it.
It's very simple.
You go with the speed of traffic.
Number two, parking lots.
Many drivers will cause unneeded congestion and chaos in our nation's parking lots by insisting on driving around until they find a spot that's as close as possible to the entrance of whatever Walmart they're trying to access.
These are the kinds of people who When you're in a spot and you're getting back to your spot with your groceries, they'll be sitting there with their blinker on, impatiently, waiting for you to pull away, putting undue pressure on you to unload your groceries and buckle your kids up and leave.
Meanwhile, there's a spot literally 14 feet away that's open and available.
They would rather wait for 14 minutes in order to save themselves the 14 feet.
This is the incorrect strategy.
The correct thing to do is, when you're in a parking lot, pull into the first open spot you see, no matter how far it is from the building.
When we go to football games in the city, for example, as a family, back when that was still legal, I'll just take the first spot I find as soon as we get into the city, even if it's 27 blocks from the stadium.
By the time we walk there, it's halfway through the third quarter.
But you know what?
I am not contributing to parking lot congestion, unlike the rest of you heathens.
Three, finally.
This is a big one.
Stop signs.
Most people know, I hope, that at a four-way stop, whatever car arrives first has the right-of-way.
If two cars arrive at the same time, then the car to the right has the right-of-way.
These are the rules.
The problem happens when there's confusion or uncertainty about who arrived first.
And at this point, in most four-way stop situations, everyone is frozen in panic and fear.
Nobody knows what to do.
Someone in one of the cars must lead, must take charge of the situation.
Now, me being the only good driver, I of course always assume this leadership role.
I say to the other drivers, do not fear, do not be afraid.
For I am with you.
I will show you the way.
And at this point, I will magnanimously wave the other driver on.
Just like this, with generosity and kindness in my eyes, I will say, go.
Go, my child.
Be free.
Go.
But then what always happens?
The other driver will start waving to me and they'll say, oh no, I couldn't, I couldn't accept this gift.
You go, you go on my leash, please, I beg of you.
So I say, okay, I accept your terms.
And I start to go.
But then right at the moment that the other, right at that moment when I'm going, the other car says, Never mind, I think I want to go.
And they start going.
And then I stop and say, OK, then you go.
And they say, no, no, no, seriously, you go.
Never mind.
And I say, fine, I'm going.
And right as I start to drive, they say, actually, I think I'd kind of like to go.
And they start driving.
And this game of stop and start goes on sometimes for hours, days.
This could all be avoided if you would just go from the first moment I wave you on.
This is the rule of good driving.
If you get waved on, just go.
Just go.
You got the wave.
Go.
Go, you idiot.
I don't care if I'm waving you into a volcano.
You get the wave, you go.
Never defy the wave.
The very order and stability of our society depends on the power of the wave when you're driving.
So go.
And don't forget to give the thank you wave in return, you ungrateful bastard.
Most people struggle with most of these points.
Everyone but me struggles with at least some of them.
You might argue that I clearly do struggle with immense amounts of road rage, and am not psychologically fit to be driving the streets, or indeed to be in human society at all.
That may or may not be the case.
But this isn't about me.
Stop changing the subject.
This is about you.
And you, as a driver, are cancelled.
So if you're driving right now while you're listening to this, just pull over, get out of your car, leave the car there, walk home.
That's your only choice.
All right.
Um, good.
Glad we could establish all that.
That was very loud when I, when I did that.
Okay.
Uh, we'll leave it there.
Thanks for watching everybody.
Thanks for listening.
Godspeed.
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