The Megyn Kelly Show - 20220623_andrew-schulz-on-trump-and-biden-the-state-of-come

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June 23, 2022 - The Megyn Kelly Show

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Refreshing Presidential Honesty 00:08:43
	Welcome to the Megan Kelly Show, your home for open, honest, and provocative conversations.
	This is it, officially.
	While I am away this week with my family, I didn't want to leave you hanging.
	Wanted to bring you a couple of episodes from our archives that we think will make you laugh and make you think.
	You might have missed this one because it was from early in our stint as a podcast.
	Today, we bring you my conversation with Andrew Schultz from March of 2021.
	Andrew was so funny.
	I couldn't stop thinking about this interview, and I played it.
	I did something I rarely do because I experience it live, so I don't really need to listen to it back.
	But I played it from beginning to end on a super long walk with my dogs, and I recommend you do the same.
	He was hilarious, and we covered a ton of ground during this lengthy episode on the state of comedy, feminism, Trump, Biden, the Kardashians, Megan and Harry, and much, much more.
	Take a listen.
	Megan Kelly, how are you?
	I'm good.
	All right, let me start with this.
	Is it true that you're the cousin of Bill Schultz, formerly of Red Eye?
	Second Cousins.
	You know, I heard it and I looked at you and I was like, I could kind of see a little family resemblance there.
	What do you think?
	We got strong family features on the Schultz side.
	Fortunate for the men, unfortunate for the women.
	But yeah, there's some similarity going on over there.
	We actually didn't know each other until we were in entertainment.
	No way.
	What?
	Yeah, I met him once at the cellar and I was like, dude, I think we're related.
	I'm not exactly sure.
	And he's like, we might know, you know, we might have some family.
	So yeah, it's a second cousin situation, but I love Bill.
	Great guy.
	As celebrities in your family go, like, are you happy with where you landed?
	Yeah, 100%.
	As long as I'm better than Bill, everything's fine.
	Can I tell you?
	I have a celebrity in my family.
	I found this out when I was a kid.
	I am related to Loretta Swit from MASH.
	Ah, isn't there a Schultz in MASH or something like that?
	Hot Lips Houlihan.
	She, I don't know, she's like my sixth cousin.
	It's like very distant, but it's legit.
	And I once saw her on the Upper West Side in the pottery barn signing copies of her new book and greeted her like a long-lost relative.
	And she was off-put.
	It was awkward.
	We promised to be good friends.
	But I thought, you know, I like mine, I like my celebrity relation, like Hotlips.
	Cool.
	Yeah, Hot Lips is pretty good.
	Hotlips is pretty good.
	You could do worse anyway.
	So I thought about you this week.
	I was excited you were coming on because I know you've done some bits about whether our current president is all there.
	Like whether, like, how confident should we be that he's got all of his faculties?
	And this clip made the rounds about him just to set it up for the audience.
	He appears to forget not only the word Pentagon, right?
	He's referring to this facility by the Pentagon, but he doesn't, he can't get the word, but he forgot the name of our Secretary of Defense.
	Listen to the clip.
	I just want to thank you both, and I want to thank the former general.
	I keep calling him general, but the guy who runs that outfit over there.
	I want to make sure we thank the Secretary for all he's done to try to implement what we've just talked about and for recommending these two women for promotion.
	The guy who runs that outfit over there.
	Yeah, that's tough, man.
	You know what sucks is that like we all forget words.
	Like I forget words every single day.
	But once it's become like ingrained in your identity, every single time it happens, people are like, oh yeah, he's got Alzheimer's.
	It's over for him.
	It's a wrap.
	How is he running the country?
	So he's not allowed to have a single slip up.
	Yeah, that's tricky.
	What do you think?
	You think he's gone?
	I think they shouldn't let him do live events.
	I think everything should be pre-taped with a prompter.
	There should be no ad living.
	He can't handle it.
	We've seen that time and time again.
	And now it's starting to make me feel like, you know, when your grandpa can't get the words out and you're like, oh, come on, Pop-Pop, you can do it.
	Like, that's sort of how I'm feeling.
	Except Pop-Pop was never leader of the free world.
	So it's, there's an additional layer of concern.
	But doesn't it prove that anybody can be president?
	Like, it's not a real job.
	Yeah, but like, yeah, Trump proved, but there are other guys that proved it before.
	It's not a real job.
	You don't have to be good at anything to be president.
	Like, what is the skill of president outside of just being likable, which we all know the douchiest people are the most likable usually?
	Right.
	So like, if I like somebody immediately upon meeting them, I'm usually thinking, oh, I'm going to hate you within a week.
	If you're like a little weird when I first meet you, you're a little bit like maybe socially awkward.
	I'm like, oh, this guy's going to be like one of my best friends.
	And he's probably going to, you know, take a bullet for me.
	He would take a bullet from me.
	Right.
	So it's like, you have this ability to be likable off the bat.
	And that's your only qualification.
	It's not like they're lawyers.
	It's not like they're doctors.
	They literally are an HR director and they just got to hire smart people to do the things that they don't know how to do because they have no real skills.
	So of course anybody could be president.
	It's a likability contest.
	I mean, in Joe Biden's case, it was truly just a contest of who could stay in the basement the longest.
	How long can you stay down there?
	And how long can Trump not say something that's going to screw things up for him?
	Like, you be quiet and you be totally out of sight and don't go anywhere.
	I also think, and like, I don't think people have given, I guess, Trump enough criticism for this, is that he didn't know how to be, this is actually weird.
	He didn't know how to be a winner.
	Like he knew how to be the underdog, but he didn't know how to be the winner.
	It's easy to run against someone because you're just going, hey, I'm not that.
	Like, what did he run on?
	He was like, I'm not a politician.
	And that's how McClure.
	Cricket Hillary.
	Exactly, right?
	It's like, I'm not those people.
	And it just so happens that those people are so crooked that you can run an entire campaign on I'm not them.
	And then people are like, all right, fine.
	We'll take not them, right?
	Which is more of an indictment on our politicians.
	But once he became them, you have to change your strategy.
	Like it's easier to come to power than it is to lead.
	Leading is tough.
	How many people have successfully led?
	It's true.
	Because you can't say what you're not, you know?
	Well, that's why I feel like what happened to our old tradition of putting like Eisenhower in there?
	Like pick a military leader, somebody who actually knows how to lead people through times of crises.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess.
	I don't know.
	It's tricky, though, also, because like you need to be diplomatic, right?
	Like the thing about the military is, yeah, I think.
	I mean, that sounds like democracy.
	No, I don't think he was very diplomatic.
	You know, I guess, yeah, maybe he wasn't that diplomatic.
	I don't know.
	I mean, like, was he less diplomatic than most?
	What does anybody get?
	I think you could make it.
	Tell me what these people do.
	What do these people do?
	I have no clue what they do.
	I don't know, but I don't think you're supposed to, you're not supposed to refer to the countries as shithole countries.
	I don't think that people would chalk that up to diplomacy.
	Some countries are shitholes.
	You've traveled.
	I've traveled.
	I'm not denying it.
	I'm just saying.
	Maybe you're not supposed to say it as president, but it is kind of refreshing to be like, okay, yeah, that place stinks.
	You know, like there are places that stink.
	And there are places in the first world that stink too, by the way.
	Like there are a lot of countries that think they got their shit together.
	And you go there like, man, this place stinks.
	Well, listen, there are places in our own country that you could describe that way.
	It's just Trump was the only, he was the first president to actually start doing it.
	Yeah, I guess, I don't know.
	Like, what is worse?
	What is worse?
	Like saying a country is a shithole or bombing it into being a shithole?
	Like, we got our priorities totally messed up, don't we?
	Like, that president said bad words.
	Meanwhile, this other president that we think is a hero is just bombing places into dust.
	So I don't know.
	It's just, it's just weird to me.
	At least maybe I'm more of like an actions guy.
	I like, you know, to see exactly what your actions are.
	I'm not really defending him because he just wasn't good enough to like get the job done, you know, and like, I think people took him way too seriously.
	Like, I always said, like, if Trump was in my friend group, I'd poke him in the belly and fuck up his hair.
	You know, like, this is, he's like a buffoon, but he's a fun buffoon, you know, like you'd have him in the group, but you tease him all the time.
	I am someone who has actually run her fingers through Trump's hair.
	I did it on camera.
	It happened.
Fire Island Dance Lessons 00:08:50
	And I'm here to tell you, by the way, it's 100% real.
	It's all his.
	I don't, I mean, I, I've read the story, same as everybody that, you know, there may have been some plugs or whatever.
	I don't know.
	All I can tell you is that it's nice hair and it's legit.
	What's so funny to me is like all these women that make fun of Trump's fake hair.
	It's like, ladies, let's, let's take a break with making fun of fake things.
	Okay.
	Do we really need to get into the eyelashes and the cheekbones and the nose and the lips and the hair, the extension?
	Like, let's a little bit.
	Right.
	And the boobs, the butts.
	I mean, I'm in Miami right now.
	I haven't seen a real girl in a month.
	Oh, my God.
	I don't understand Miami.
	I've only been there a couple times.
	And does anybody work there or just work out?
	Work out eight hours a day?
	Listen, Miami is Latin America's idea of what America is, right?
	And they got a great idea.
	I mean, it's just, how does it work?
	They got it made.
	They just got it made.
	They figured it out.
	They're like, we should be super free and we should do whatever we want.
	And you can enjoy yourself.
	And all the women are beautiful and cocaine.
	And that's pretty much it.
	That's Miami.
	How are they?
	What is the industry down there?
	Like, how are they keeping the ship afloat?
	There's no industry.
	It is nothing.
	I don't know.
	I don't know what's going on.
	Maybe it's Bitcoin.
	I think everything runs on Bitcoin.
	I'm honestly not sure.
	But there's these hot places where nobody gets anything done and everybody's still rich and it makes no sense.
	I have to say, it confuses me.
	And I never feel so obese as when I go down to Miami because it's just like there's no, there's, it's like, it's as if there's no body fat allowed at the city border.
	Yeah, the pressure is, it's heavy for girls.
	That pressure is heavy.
	In New York, you just throw on that hoodie for the winter and nobody notices.
	Start getting in shape around April.
	That's right.
	That's right.
	I love sinking into my winter body.
	Down there, there's no winter body.
	It is true.
	It is true.
	It's a different pressure, Megan.
	It's a different pressure.
	Well, plus, I have to tell you, I grew up first 10 years in Syracuse and the rest in Albany, you know, upstate New York, the tundra.
	And there, you know, you could be in your winter body 10 out of 12 months.
	It was great.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You got some burly ladies up there and fellas.
	Where are you from?
	New York.
	I grew up in Manhattan.
	Oh, really?
	New York City proper Manhattan.
	Like, where'd you go to school?
	I went to PS6 for LF.
	That's a good school.
	That's the one everybody goes into.
	Me, Lenny Kravitz.
	You know what it is.
	Who else went there?
	I don't know, some other people.
	And then I went to Wagner Middle School, which is kind of like just this big, I don't know, middle schools in New York are kind of weird.
	They're just like holding sales to divide up the kids before they go to high school.
	And then I went to Baruch College Campus High School, which is a small public school that was kind of associated with the college.
	And then I went out to get my college degree in the University of Santa Barbara.
	So nice, fun party school.
	Nice.
	What?
	Like, that's what I wish I had done.
	I went.
	So I went back to Syracuse for college because I just couldn't get enough of the, you know, sub-zero temperatures and four feet of snow every December through May.
	You wanted that journalism degree.
	That's the only way to get into journalism if you go to Syracuse, right?
	Andrew, they didn't let me in.
	I didn't get into New House at Syracuse.
	I like they now like they, yeah.
	Oh, people just assume that I went there.
	I couldn't get in.
	I went poli-sci.
	I went to Syracuse because I had a soft spot in my heart for Syracuse, having lived there for 10 years.
	And my dad had been a professor there.
	And my dad had died when I was in high school.
	So even more of a soft spot.
	And they let me in.
	My GPA was not so great.
	My SATs were not so great.
	So they let me in.
	But had I been smart, I would have started thinking about a place like Santa Barbara or when I went to law school instead of Albany, Pepperdine, right?
	Like, how did you get that brilliant idea?
	I grew up surfing randomly.
	I know it doesn't make any sense, but I grew up surfing.
	And my folks had like a beach house on this gay island called Fire Island.
	You ever go to Fire Island?
	Yes.
	My friends go there all the time.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It's great.
	So I grew up my summers were on a gay island.
	And I grew up surfing there.
	Now, now, Fire Island actually has a bunch of communities that are not strictly gay.
	It only has two communities that are gay.
	But, you know, like most things, like if it's a little gay, the reputation is it's all gay, you know?
	So by the way, it is funny that it's named Fire Island.
	The islands are the nice ones.
	Oh, yeah.
	Right.
	Like, how could that, how did it happen that it became a gay, you know, community and it's called Fire Island?
	Well, it was probably Fire Island first.
	And the gays were like, that sounds right.
	That's where we should be.
	And they have by far the nicest homes.
	Like, it's the rich gays that go, that's their Hamptons, right?
	Yeah.
	So it's true.
	And then the rest of us have like, you know, just kind of regular places.
	So there are these other communities.
	But whenever I tell people that I used to spend my summers at Fire Island, I have to say, like, my straight parents had a house in Fire Island because sex in the city turned it the whole thing into like an orgy.
	So no, it's like you, you go there, you take the ferry, and then it's like this community where you take the what you can ferry?
	Like, how many puns are we going to put into?
	My parents were gay.
	All right, Megan, they were gay.
	I had gay parents.
	I was adopted.
	I'm just nosing around it.
	I didn't want to go there directly.
	Anyway, so you can run around like you don't have to wear your shoes.
	They've got like all these little pathways.
	You can ride your bike everywhere.
	It's a delightful community.
	Okay.
	So your parents, they were straight.
	And what did they do for a living?
	They owned a ballroom dance school.
	They would teach partner dancing.
	Come on.
	Yeah, 100%.
	My mom is a three-time U.S. ballroom dance champion.
	That's great news right there, Megan.
	That is also gay.
	Very gay.
	So are you amazing at ballroom dancing?
	No, no.
	I mean, I got, I got a couple little moves.
	I could cut up the rug a little bit if need be, you know, but my mom.
	I don't understand that.
	Like Patrick Swayze, the way he became such an amazing dancer was his mom owned a dance studio that taught dancing like that.
	So what happened?
	I can bust it down a little bit.
	I would not be surprised if you had heard maybe of the suit.
	You lived in New York?
	Did you ever live in New York?
	Okay.
	Yeah, I live in New York now.
	You live in New York now.
	Okay.
	So it was called the Sandra Cameron Dance Center, right?
	And I don't know.
	It was down like at one point in the East Village and then it moved down to like a Nolita area.
	Did you ever take lessons there?
	I did not.
	But I did take lessons out in Chicago at the old, I think it was Doug Miller.
	No, it was before my first marriage.
	Before my first marriage, before there was Doug, there was Dan.
	And we took lessons before our wedding to like learn a little routine.
	And we were pretty good.
	And I've, of course, forgotten all those moves.
	And by the way, you can't do them with a second husband because he wasn't there for the lessons.
	But you can take more lessons, Megan.
	You can learn a new dance.
	I'll work on that.
	I'll work on that.
	So now, so you didn't put that much time into it.
	You're focused on other things, apparently.
	Yeah, my mom didn't want to be like a stage mom because her mom was kind of a stage mom.
	And so she like didn't try to pressure me into learning dance, but I think I got some of it down by osmosis.
	But yeah, dance is the best.
	Like dance could cure all this stuff.
	You know, when you were younger, I think this happened.
	I mean, I don't think you're old enough to be younger and it was part of your, you know, regular, I don't know, cultural weekend activities.
	But like my dad said that like kids just learned how to dance.
	Like that was just what you did.
	Like you learned how to maybe play basketball, but dance lessons were just part of the norm.
	And I think it would really help out like all this, you know, these like nerds that like have never spoken to a girl and then they're just on the internet angry all the time.
	Like, what if you were just having dance lessons and then you had to actually hold a female human being and talk to them and like be comfortable around them and learn that it's not so terrifying.
	And then, you know, you don't develop these like little incel communities.
	Like we got to get back to dance.
	There's no incels in the Dominican Republic, right?
	There's no incels in Puerto Rico.
	There's no incels anywhere where there's dance in the culture.
	Incels only exist without dance.
	Any partner dancing, there is no terrorism.
Oil, Starbucks, and Iraq 00:15:32
	Think about this.
	If there's any partner dancing in the culture, terrorism doesn't exist.
	That's fascinating.
	Maybe I've been too hard on my producer, Debbie Murphy, with her little tap dance lessons.
	I mocked her up in Canada, but I actually do think it was important to her well-being and it was a stress reliever.
	And rather than mock, I should have just partaken.
	Yeah, but tap dance is just kind of like, like you could do all those things without it making extra noise, but you tap dance is almost like, you know, walking down the street with the boom box on your shoulder of dance.
	Do you know what I mean?
	Like you could do all that tapping without the metal on the shoes, but you're like, I want everybody to hear what I learned today.
	It's just too much, right?
	Like it doesn't have to be that loud.
	Like if anything, put felt or something on the bottom of the shoe and then just you do it for you.
	But now we all got to hear you tapping away.
	It's like turn the boom box off when you're walking down the street and then turn off the tap dishes.
	It's so true.
	Oh my God.
	The boom box is so annoying, isn't it?
	Like you'll be sitting in your doctor's office, whatever, somebody go by the boom with a boombox.
	It's like, why did we all have to enjoy your music?
	Or even the people who like turn their car radio up so loud.
	It's like, really?
	Why?
	Like, I like my music too, but I don't feel the need to force it on you.
	I, nothing has been more annoying like growing up where you're on the subway and some guy comes in the subway with his phone playing music, right?
	And he's just playing music off of his phone for the entire subway to like indulge in.
	And I used to think this was the most annoying fucking thing in the world.
	And then one day, a guy was playing my podcast out loud on the subway.
	And I was like, sometimes this works.
	And sometimes sometimes this can be entertaining for everybody.
	So I'm a complete hypocrite is the point of that story.
	Okay.
	So can I tell you something?
	I had, I had a, this is a side story, but I was walking down the street the other day.
	I was going to see my therapist, which is critical, especially here in New York.
	And I was listening to Ayan Hirsi Ali, who launched her own podcast.
	And she was interviewing a guy who I would like to speak to, by the way.
	His name is Vivek Ramaswamy.
	He's amazing.
	Anyway, so I'm listening to Aion and I passed this cop, this young cop, probably 30, and he is listening to Aion on my show.
	So I'm listening to her do her show.
	He's listening to her on my show.
	I was like, oh my God, like the universe is trying to tell me something, which is like Ayan's amazing, apparently.
	But on the subject of listening to people like do their business out loud, all over New York now, you see people sitting and they no longer sit with books.
	They sit with somebody on fucking FaceTime, excuse me.
	But it's like, I don't need to hear the other half of the conversation in this way.
	It's so annoying.
	Yeah, that's crazy.
	You were overhearing it?
	Yes.
	Oh my God, they do it.
	Like, I won't name the restaurant, but there's this particular restaurant where you go.
	It's not like a Starbucks.
	I hate Starbucks.
	But it's like, why did you go cafe?
	Hold on, hold on, hold on.
	Why do you hate Starbucks?
	Because it tastes terrible.
	No, Stop this.
	Stop this.
	Stop this.
	It's too bitter.
	No, no, no.
	It tastes terrible compared to Blue Bottle.
	It tastes terrible compared to La Colombe.
	It tastes terrible compared to like these other absolutely incredible coffee options that we have in New York, right?
	But if you leave it.
	It tastes terrible compared to New York City deli coffee.
	I was about to say diner coffee, but you went deli.
	That's fine.
	You think Starbucks tastes worse than diner coffee in New York?
	I don't think there's any competition.
	I like out of your mind.
	You're out of your mind.
	I can't stand Starbucks coffee.
	And I'm not particularly into Starbucks's whole vibe.
	I don't know.
	Why don't you just call it a small, a medium, and a large?
	Like, why do I have to use a foreign language to say what I want?
	And everything in there is unhealthy.
	Everything.
	Yes, it's unhealthy.
	Coffee's, actually, no, coffee is probably pretty good for you.
	It's like the only food where even doctors.
	Oh, yeah.
	The food, but the fact that they even have food, the fact that you can go to the airport and then you can get something at Starbucks and you're like, all right, this isn't horrendous.
	I get my little feta, whatever, feta wrap or whatever.
	And I don't feel too bad about myself while I'm on this flight.
	I'm just saying, Starbucks, I can't believe you don't like Starbucks.
	You walked in, it's kind of comfortable.
	I, and listen, I'm a comedian.
	My job is to make fun of institutions.
	That's literally all we do.
	I like Starbucks.
	I like it.
	It's comfortable.
	They get the job done.
	I also like their politics are annoying.
	They kind of went.
	And remember when they were inviting all the homeless people into the Starbucks?
	And it was like, oh, it's the right thing to do.
	It's like, okay.
	So that's never going to last because paying customers are not going to want to.
	I mean, let's be real.
	Like bringing homeless people in can usually involve bringing somebody who may have a criminal record in, who may be a pedophile.
	And we just dealt with this here in New York.
	I know it sounds all laudable, like in theory, but as a practical matter, it was never going to work.
	And sure enough, they reversed the policy.
	Yeah, but that's because the guy wanted to be president.
	And I think what happens is like, and also no relation to him whatsoever, even though we both have the same last name.
	Yeah, I think he wanted to be president.
	And he was like trying to do his best.
	And it's just like, I think eventually you have that much success.
	You make that many right decisions that you start kind of believing your own hype.
	And I get that completely.
	Imagine you made that many correct decisions.
	Like that guy doesn't have to make too many decisions a year, but he's paid an enormous amount of money for every decision he makes, right?
	Because the ones that he does make have huge repercussions.
	And imagine you made that many right decisions that you built this into the biggest coffee brand on the planet.
	Nothing is bigger on the whole planet.
	You probably go, I could be president.
	I get where your line of thinking goes.
	I don't understand why you would want to be president.
	What a useless job that is.
	Like you can do so much more by being not president.
	What do you make of people like you're right?
	I never thought about it that way.
	I mean, I'm sure.
	What do they change, Megan?
	Tell me what they changed.
	Can anybody explain one thing that they do?
	I do not know.
	What is the last president to do anything was Abraham Lincoln.
	Ever since Abraham Lincoln, I don't know a single president that did a single thing.
	Can you name a single thing that any president did since Abraham Lincoln?
	Well, I mean, LBJ signed some important laws into effect, the civil rights.
	But he didn't create the law.
	He just signed the paper because the pressure, the outside pressure for him to do it was so strong that he had to.
	It's not like LGBTQ.
	Well, how about all the great society?
	Diversity, right?
	No, correct.
	He's not exactly a social justice hero.
	He just wants to get pressure from the people.
	Well, who cares about that?
	Like, Trump signed in the Anti-Sex Trafficking Act, which really helped protect women, but I wouldn't describe Trump necessarily as the most pro-feminist protector of women we've ever had in the office.
	I love all these like bills.
	Like I love this, this is my hilarious thing.
	You just name the bill something like really righteous and then you sign it.
	Like, of course, he's going to sign that.
	If you name a bill, the Anti-Sex Trafficking Act, you think he's going to veto that?
	You think that bill comes across his desk and be like, I don't know.
	I think we got to negotiate a little more.
	It's the easiest fucking bill to sign.
	It's true.
	What did people do?
	Tell me what presidents do.
	I literally cannot put my finger on a single thing that they do outside of like bomb places.
	I mean, I think you, yes, well, exactly.
	Military protection.
	And like, I mean, George Bush launched a couple of wars.
	That was significant.
	That said some bad repercussions.
	And that's a bad thing.
	So they do bad things.
	What is the good?
	What were we supposed to do?
	Forget Iraq.
	That was a bad idea.
	But Afghanistan, that, I mean, they, they had the Taliban.
	The Taliban is, you know, what gave rise to Osama bin Laden?
	Should we have not done anything?
	I mean, honestly, I was about to give you an answer, right?
	And then I just realized I don't fucking know enough.
	So I just stopped myself.
	But I was literally about to just lie to you.
	I was about to make Tauda can't do anything.
	I was about to say that on the recorded podcast.
	Like, I'm not an expert on geopolitics.
	Okay.
	I don't know exactly how all this shit works.
	And I don't know who started and what came first, the chicken or the hummus, but I know for a fact that absolutely nothing ever gets done.
	We're still in Afghanistan, right?
	Yeah.
	We're still in Afghanistan.
	I don't think the average person can name three cities in Afghanistan.
	Can you name three cities in Afghanistan?
	Kabul.
	Kabul.
	We all just know Kabul because it sounds like Kabul, which is what we've been doing there for the last 20 years.
	Right?
	So how were we at war with a country for or with a country against a country?
	We don't even know what's going on there.
	How are we at war for decades?
	And we have no fucking clue a city's name in Afghanistan.
	That's crazy.
	It's, it was, I mean, truly, we can see now 20 years later that it was in many ways an unwinnable war, as the Russians found out before we got there back in the 80s.
	But what were we supposed to do?
	You know, it's like 3,000 people died.
	Had to respond and we tried shocking awe and all that.
	It just it wasn't an easy battle to win, but we fought it.
	We fought it nobly.
	We still got guys over there fighting for us and we're going to need to leave some troops there.
	I think Biden's got till may to decide whether he wants to pull them all out or not.
	But yeah, we got troops all over the world because once you sort of go in there and engage, you can't just walk out.
	You can't just leave all the blood and treasure, 100 sacrifices.
	You know i'm not saying we just take out the cartridge and blow on it and restart.
	It's not a video game.
	These are real lives and if you're a soldier and you're willing to risk your life for America, it is one of the most noble and brave things in the world.
	I just want to make sure that the decision makers are using those people who are willing to lift risk their lives for us in the right way.
	Do you see what i'm saying?
	Like, don't yeah no, that is a noble thing, man to go.
	I love something more and I believe in something more than my own life.
	It is unbelievably selfless.
	Don't waste that selflessness.
	Don't do that, because you need people.
	I don't disagree with that principle.
	I just think Afghanistan was a noble war.
	It's just, it's such a complicated region of the world and it's like that the we got long-standing issues over there that not even 20 years with American and other troops can solve, and we're sort of we've.
	I think we've come to that reality, but out of respect for everybody who's sacrificed there, we need to need to get out.
	I don't know right, I don't know.
	I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
	That's it.
	I don't know, I don't know and I can say I don't know.
	Here's one group I can tell you, doesn't go and be honest.
	Why don't we just go and be honest?
	Why don't we just be like yeah, but let's, it might be a better policy.
	Why don't we just go in and be like, look dude, you got oil.
	We like it of oil.
	Okay, we're gonna protect your.
	You get to keep a piece of the oil.
	Everybody's happy.
	I mean, isn't that what happens in Texas?
	These big oil companies go to some hillbilly who has some land and they go, hey, we did some research, we found out, you got some oil here, you want to be a millionaire?
	They're like, hell yeah, I want to be a millionaire.
	Like, all right, we're going to suck it out for you, do all the work, you get a piece of it.
	They're like hell yeah, but you do that everywhere and our life is good.
	Let's just be honest.
	But stop acting like you care how women dress, like that's the thing that annoys me the most.
	Right, they're like, look how they make the women dress.
	Isn't that bad, don't they need freedom?
	Oh, they got oil.
	Crazy, what a coincidence stop.
	You know what I mean.
	Stop for lack of a better word veiling it.
	Stop, stop doing this like you care about how women are treated.
	I hate that.
	It's funny because I had Tim Dylan on recently and he was saying um, he used to be an aspiring yeah, he was an aspiring like political guru and he wanted.
	He said he used to be in this place where he was like you know, we have to support the people of Iraq in their quest for democracy.
	And then he sort of got to the point where, like what am I saying?
	What do you want?
	No, this isn't who I want to be, and also, they might not want democracy.
	Like stop thinking that democracy is the only thing that works.
	No, we've certainly seen that.
	We've certainly seen that.
	I mean, that was that, listen.
	I I like you, lived through the Bush administration and and through 9-11, and I was an adult when it happened.
	I was uh, 30 years old when 9-11 happened and And I do remember thinking, okay, he's got like a blank check to protect us.
	That's how the American public felt.
	The blank check.
	And the Iraq war was definitely controversial, even when he launched it.
	And he said there were weapons of mass destruction and there weren't.
	There were questions about whether there really were and why he was going there.
	Was it to avenge his old man who they tried to take out and all that stuff?
	But I don't know.
	I just think that the quest at the time to bring democratic values.
	Say why we went there to Iraq because Saddam.
	Saddam was about to get sneaky with the oil.
	He's like, I'll sell oil to whoever I want.
	I don't got to go through you guys.
	And we're like, oh, what?
	Is that how you think things are going to work?
	Same thing with Gaddafi.
	Gaddafi is like, what if I just create my own currency?
	I sell oil through that.
	And we're like, what?
	That's not how things work.
	You sell oil in American dollars.
	And that's the only thing that is allowed to happen.
	And any country that tries to do otherwise, well, they run into some problems.
	They run into some problems.
	So do you do you look back at, let's say, Colin Powell testifying before Congress and saying, here's where we believe there are WMDs.
	And here's the map showing where we see them on the satellite.
	And so you think that was all, I mean, we know it's not true now.
	He would say a mistake.
	You think it was an active lie to cover a plan to go in there and get the oil?
	Well, based on my thorough research by watching the movie Vice.
	Coming up in a minute, I'm going to ask Andrew what he thinks about the Kardashians, about Oprah Winfrey and her interview of Megan and Harry.
	And he's got thoughts.
	Stand by.
	Let me shift gears with you to something you do know about, and that's the British royal family.
	I know everything about the British royal family.
	I didn't even know how to say it.
	I know absolutely everything.
	Did you watch the Oprah interview?
	Yeah, my girl was watching it.
	So I kind of watched it over her shoulder for a little bit.
	And yeah, it is what it is.
	I mean, I just don't.
	They all suck.
	They all suck.
	Everyone?
	You're not on Team Megan or Team Queen?
	I mean, like, what I don't understand is like, let's say hypothetically, right?
	Let's say hypothetically, they were concerned about this, the baby's skin being dark, right?
	I just find it hilarious that they're less concerned about the baby being inbred than they are about it being dark.
	Like, shouldn't they be through the roof that some new genes are entering that bloodline?
	Thank fucking God, right?
	Like, isn't that a time for celebration in England?
	You're not going to have the same like half cards being born year after year by these families that are just marrying cousins.
	It's repulsive.
	If you look at that bloodline, I mean, it's closer than Charles's eyes.
Shaved Pubes and Inbreeding 00:10:46
	They are close.
	Oh my God.
	They're very close.
	Yeah, they're very close.
	That's what happens.
	That's what happens when your parents are related.
	Everybody's...
	And their teeth are very long.
	Their teeth are very long.
	They're turning into lemurs.
	This is what happens.
	This is what happens.
	This is what happens when you have literal centuries of inbreeding.
	Is that even more?
	Well, now, now I have to tell.
	No, no.
	Now they're blaming the Americans.
	Some people are saying that what this means is no more Americans marrying into the British royal family.
	And I have to say, that's not the problem.
	That is not the problem, right?
	Like I just, I'm not on Team Megan and Harry at all, but I don't think you can blame the Americans.
	I think Prince Harry looks as bad as Megan does.
	He's weak.
	Somebody was using the term whipped, you know, like kind of do whatever your gal says.
	He's not strong enough to stand up for his family or his heritage or the British people.
	I just think like I have no use for either one of them now.
	Yeah.
	First of all, I'm insulted to say they're not letting Americans marry into the British royal family.
	The way I looked at this is that he married into America.
	Like you're very lucky that you married into America.
	This is the A squad.
	You made it to the all-star team.
	Okay.
	I mean, it's an adorable little country they got over there, England, right?
	It's absolutely adorable.
	Right, but there hasn't exactly been a great migration from America to England.
	You know the other way around has existed.
	So let's really get on track here.
	I mean, like you got a lady that writes about magic, that has more money than the queen.
	Get your together right.
	It's not like we married into Jk Rowling's family.
	That'd be something that we should brag about.
	Holy, we got an American and the Potter fam.
	That's amazing.
	But the queen of England like, is that even a special thing?
	It's kind of special.
	Yeah, I mean it like goes back a long time.
	She's got a bunch of palaces.
	What do you mean?
	She has jewels.
	She didn't have jewels.
	She can't sell them.
	She sells the jewels, then she looks poor.
	So you're in, you're a prisoner of the jewels.
	You really have no way to take them out.
	She can put them.
	She can put on a tiara and a necklace and the earrings and the bracelet.
	She could roll around naked in all of the crown jewels, and we can't.
	She was cool when she didn't have a last name.
	That was cool.
	Okay, nobody knows her last name.
	You don't know her last name.
	It's just, I do too.
	What is her last name?
	Mount.
	It's Mount Batten Windsor boom.
	I was actually really impressed, Megan.
	I'll be honest with you right there.
	I thought she didn't have a last name.
	I thought she was like a Brazilian soccer player.
	I thought you just call her Elizabeth and you call the other one Charles and that's just what they are.
	I was like that is kind of cool, that's a good branding thing.
	They got going on.
	But um, outside of that, I mean it's impressive that she's still alive and stuff.
	But who cares about the royals?
	Like it's just so, it's so stupid.
	Like we have real families like the Kardashians here in America, not the royals sure yeah, what do you think about that?
	Are you, are you a Kardashian fan?
	Do you watch that show?
	No, but I appreciate their influence and stuff like that.
	I, I understand like what they are.
	Yeah, like what they built.
	It's unbelievable what they built from a business standpoint.
	Yes, I mean from a business standpoint.
	They've been geniuses.
	But you know, I I asked them, I sat down with all of them and interviewed them together and I asked them this directly, like are you a force for good or a force for evil?
	And there's a real debate about that in the country, as you know, given the selfie culture and the big bottoms and all surgically enhanced but presented as though it's not.
	Yeah, I think that there is no good or evil with them.
	I think they're just eyeballs and they will take the eyeballs through good and they will take the eyeballs through evil and uh, all they care about is attention and they will get that attention in any way possible and because the attention is currency, so that is the name of the game, and uh, but it's better that they look like that.
	If we have to look like, look at them all the time.
	I mean, imagine they were ugly.
	We had to look at them all the time.
	That would be so unfortunate for us.
	So it's like they're the Richard Nixon presidency, I don't know.
	And now he was not an attractive man, it was like he was considered ugly.
	There should be two, I don't know.
	I think I like, I don't like what the Kardashians have done to like selfie culture.
	Like, I think they created it.
	But on the other hand, I confess, I do click on the, I click on the pictures.
	Like when you see it on the Daily Mail, it's like, oh, Kim Kardashian just posted this.
	I can't help myself.
	It's like, I don't know.
	Yeah.
	You can move your eyes.
	Yeah, it's, it's weird because did they create it or did they monetize technology that we were all going to lean into anyway because we're obsessed with ourselves?
	I don't think that they created the idea of I want to look better than I am.
	No.
	Right.
	They were just the best at it.
	You know, it's like it's like when the Greeks always say like they invented math.
	And it's like, shut the fuck up, you idiots.
	Like you thought that people didn't know how to count before you.
	You thought they just looked at things and they were just like, oh, it'd be great if we had a system to figure out how many of them there were.
	It's just the most absurd thing in the world that anybody could invent math.
	Math exists.
	And then you figure out the thing that exists.
	You don't invent it.
	You know?
	So like they're just the Greeks of being sluts.
	I think they invented sort of the half nude public photo.
	I don't remember that being so ubiquitous before them.
	And now you see like the vanity fair after party after the Oscars.
	You see these models or like wannabe actresses there wearing nothing, wearing like, it's like the most classless dresses where there's basically a tube top and then right above the pubic area, the skirt begins.
	It's like, oh, I miss when we used to wear clothes and we left something to the imagination.
	It's, it is tricky.
	It is tricky because the imagination creates the desire, but the nudity gets the eyeballs.
	You know, like you got to care about someone to imagine.
	Like, I don't know if you've taken any naked pictures for any publication.
	Like, I don't know.
	I mean, it's being on purpose.
	There would be more interest in seeing you naked than seeing the Kardashians because we've seen it already.
	You see what I'm saying?
	That's true.
	Yeah.
	Well, I don't mind saucy pictures.
	Saucy pictures is one thing.
	Like showing everything, like at the Oscars, I just like, that's different to me.
	That's just, I love when women celebrate their own sexuality.
	I think that's awesome.
	I hate how feminism's gone to this place where you're no longer allowed to be sexy.
	Somehow that's diminishing.
	I don't accept any of that.
	I'm just saying I like when women choose to be sexy and own it.
	That's good.
	We shouldn't be ashamed out of owning that piece of ourselves.
	But like a little goes a long way.
	You don't have to be naked at the Oscars.
	So what's the, I guess what I'm trying to figure out now is like, where's the limit?
	And then who gets to decide the limit?
	I do.
	Because whoever's at the, yeah, you do.
	Whoever's at the limit, in order to have a competitive advantage, somebody's always going to go a little further, right?
	Like we can put all this pressure on men for like creating societal standards for women, but the reality is it's like we're only going to have sex with women, right?
	We're not going to like go, okay, well, if women aren't shaving their legs, we're going to have sex with goats, right?
	So you can decide to do absolutely nothing to your bodies.
	You don't have to shave your legs.
	You don't have to shave your pubic region.
	You don't have to put on makeup.
	You could do absolutely nothing and we will be lining up in the exact same way to have sex with you because that's what we've been doing since the beginning of time, right?
	There was no wax saying, there was no Brazilian wax job, you know, 10 million years ago, whenever Homo erectus was walking, right?
	So what I think happens is women, in order to get a competitive advantage against one another, are going, oh, she shaved her legs.
	Well, I'm going to shave my pubic region, right?
	Oh, she shaved her pubic region.
	Well, I'm going to get electric lasers shot into my pores so the hair never grows back.
	Like it just keeps on wanting up each other in the same way that we do it with cars.
	It's like, oh, that guy has a Ferrari.
	Well, I'm going to get a Lamborghini encrusted with diamonds, blah, blah, blah.
	It just sucks for women that like men are so shallow that we really value aesthetic over everything.
	Well, but it's so, it's so random, right?
	Because it's like, who decided that pubic hair was unattractive and that you needed to wax it all off to turn on a man?
	You need to make yourself look like an 11-year-old boy in order to turn on a grown man.
	I don't get that.
	Like, well, and then like the fashions change, right?
	Like the landing strip is what you should have.
	Go over the triangle.
	No, like full, full-on bush.
	Sorry, forgive me.
	Or just nothing, right?
	Like you got to go for like the pre-pubescent.
	It's weird.
	I don't understand trendiness on these issues.
	Yeah.
	I also don't understand like the, it looks like a little girl thing.
	It's like, no, it doesn't.
	It just looks like an adult woman with no hair.
	Like, no, nobody sees, nobody sees a naked porn star, right?
	That's shaved and goes, is that a little girl?
	Right.
	They're just like, whoa, that's a hot chick that doesn't have pubic hair.
	Like when attractive?
	But I guess, I don't know.
	I guess what I'm trying to say is I never understood that like metaphor analogy that people use for because like when you see like Michael Jordan with like a shaved head, you're like, he looks like a baby, right?
	Nobody does that, right?
	Babies have no hair on their head often.
	So how did it become attractive?
	Girls wanted a competitive advantage to get guys.
	And they're like, okay, guys don't like leg hair.
	They probably don't like, they don't like armpit hair.
	That means they don't like hair anywhere.
	And we should just get rid of all the hair that exists below our eyelashes.
	And now some men do it too.
	Now you see like some guys who have clearly had laser treatments on their chest and it's not, it's not just like they've shaved their hair.
	It's like they'll never see another hair there again.
	Yeah, it's bad.
	I mean, like I shaved my pubes the other day way too low.
	Like, and I just look like a detective that's been at work all night.
	You know, it's just, it's just stupid.
	I look like Enrique Iglesias.
	That's who I look like.
	It just looks so dumb.
	But I think I'm like, oh, maybe my fiancé will like this or whatever.
	It's, it's, it's, it's dumb.
	Oh, so you're engaged.
	Okay.
	I didn't know that.
	So, so it must be very hard for her because like I'm married to a writer and I'm always worried that something I say or something that happens in our relationship is going to wind up in one of his books.
	And I would imagine it's a thousand times worse for her to be engaged to a comedian.
Thick Skin for News Stress 00:12:03
	Oh, yes.
	She knows it's happening.
	It's happened.
	If she says something wild or something funny happens, it's going to be on a podcast.
	It's going to be in the standup.
	But it's easier for her because she doesn't want any attention at all.
	She like hates attention.
	So she's like private on Instagram.
	She doesn't want to be put in pictures or any of that kind of stuff, which works out for me because I want to protect her from all this.
	I want to protect her from any like internet scrutiny because she doesn't want it.
	Like she's not asking for that.
	Like this is my career.
	She shouldn't have to suffer because of that.
	But yeah, she knows it's going to be on the podcast.
	But at least she doesn't have people like writing comments underneath her pictures.
	Like, oh, that was so dumb, the thing you said or blah, blah, blah.
	Right.
	That takes a special level of thick skin.
	So, so she's not in the industry.
	She's not in the entertainment industry at all?
	No, no, no.
	She's getting her master's.
	And did you, have you ever dated celebrities or, you know, people in the industry?
	Yeah, maybe a little bit.
	Or like people, yeah, maybe, you know.
	What do you mean, maybe?
	I guess.
	I don't know.
	Who's a celebrity anymore?
	There's no more celebrities.
	There's just, you know, there's no more.
	Justin Bieber was like the last universally famous person.
	Wait a minute.
	Outside of like presidents.
	Yeah.
	If you said these women's names, would I know them?
	Maybe, maybe you'd know one.
	Maybe something.
	Maybe.
	I don't know.
	What happened?
	Because like sometimes when you have two people who really need attention, it doesn't work out.
	I don't even know if that was the issue.
	But yeah, that definitely can be an issue.
	But sometimes I'm just like picky.
	Like I won't sacrifice my joy.
	You know, like, I just, I admire Mormons so much because they can like just be uncomfortable.
	Like whenever I talk to like people who like left Mormonism, it's, it's like kind of pretty traumatic for them.
	But I think it's traumatic because they're like, why is everybody else around me happy and I'm not?
	You know, so it's like, oh, I know what you mean.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Yeah.
	No, no, I've, I've often thought, like, I was saying this to somebody recently, like, I, I want, I want to become a Mormon before my kids get to the age where they're going to start drinking and wanting to do drugs and things like that because Mormons, they do a good job of not doing that stuff.
	Yeah, they really lock that down.
	And they're like sweet people.
	We were just in Salt Lake doing shows and they're like really sweet people and they're like amazing business acumen.
	They've got this like incredible, you know, ability to like build wealth within the community.
	And yeah, they're just a fascinating people.
	And we look at them like they're these like weirdos.
	And there's some odd things about every religion, I'm sure, but like genuinely nice people that have created like a really nice city to live in.
	You know, they're, they're like the gays, you know, it's just except the gays don't wear the full body underwear.
	Well, you haven't been to the right parties in Florida Island, Megan.
	That's all I have to say.
	That's 100% true.
	That's, there's no question about that.
	I just think that it's, it's kind of cool.
	So are you going to have kids?
	Yeah, I'd love to love to have some kids.
	When she, you know, I don't want to put any pressure on her.
	She's still finishing her degree.
	And then like, you know, she'll join the workforce for a little bit.
	And then we'll take advantage of that maternity leave.
	That's the golf.
	Just get her a job and then immediately knock her up.
	That is take advantage of the matriarchy or whatever that is.
	Yes, it's such a leisurely time after you squeeze another human being out of out of your body.
	It's just like being on vacation at the spa.
	I know, right?
	I mean, it's just the easiest thing in the world.
	I mean, is it that hard to get it out?
	Like, you think that we'd figure that out by now through evolution, right?
	So can I tell you, it wasn't for me because I had three C-sections.
	My kids are always asking.
	Yeah.
	So I feel like it was actually kind of lucky because my first kid was what they call transverse, which means like sideways.
	Trans?
	Oh, I thought you said trans.
	I thought you said your first kid was trance.
	And I was like, already, dude?
	But no, he came out and I could recognize immediately he would be called the baby.
	Right.
	Right.
	So the kid was just like chilling in there.
	Like, what was it?
	Like Kate Winslet in the Titanic?
	Like when she was getting drawn by Jack.
	Not at all.
	He was at like, he was at like, let's say two o'clock.
	It would be like 2:40 if you're looking at the hands on a clock.
	You know what I mean?
	He's like diagonal.
	And my OB said, well, you can either try to go, you know, naturally and you'd be in labor for 30 hours and then I'd have to do a C-section on you, or we can just schedule a C-section.
	I was like, I don't need to be a hero.
	Let's schedule the C. Because I love these women who make you feel like you didn't actually have a baby if you have a C-section.
	It's like, I still have a baby.
	I see the baby.
	Anyway, so then I had the other two by C-section.
	And like, honestly, your abs hurt for a couple of weeks after.
	And that's it.
	It's a, I, I didn't find it that unpleasant.
	Although your body springing back is a different story.
	It takes a little bit, right?
	It takes a little bit.
	Sure does.
	It's funny too, because you'll be sitting in there about to give birth and they always say to you and your husband, now remember, you can't have sex for six weeks after this baby's born.
	And of course, the husband's like, six weeks.
	And the wife is like, six weeks?
	As soon as we get to the bottom.
	Only six weeks?
	I mean, it takes like a year to come back from an ACL.
	And that seems like way less than a birth.
	You know?
	Yeah, that's crazy.
	I feel for my fellow women who went the other way.
	But also, you have to look at it like this.
	Like you must have gotten it back because you had two more babies.
	I did.
	And you want to know how I did it?
	How'd you do it?
	I breastfed.
	I always say women are selling like the breastfeeding sort of super Nazis.
	They are selling breastfeeding all wrong.
	Like I get it's best for the baby and every mom cares about that.
	But what we really need to get motivated on is how to get rid of those extra 30 pounds and all the saggy flesh that's newly all over us.
	Breastfeeding, it like snaps everything back into shape.
	And you, you, by the time the baby's like six months, you're burning off between five and 800 calories a day just by sitting there.
	It's awesome.
	That's amazing.
	Can people breastfeed when they don't have kids?
	Like just people breastfeed?
	I asked that.
	I would love to find a job.
	Like, how do the wet nurses do it?
	Like, how do I heard stories about like, if you adopt a child, somehow you can get the boobs fired up.
	Like it would be brilliant.
	That way you would never have to exercise.
	We wouldn't even need the vaccine.
	Just get all the fat people breastfeeding.
	Then they won't be fat.
	They don't die from COVID.
	And then we're good to go.
	Open up the country.
	Coming up in one second, we're going to talk to Andrew about when he had COVID.
	And also he's got some strong thoughts on Sasha Baron Cohen.
	Does he like that kind of comedy or not?
	But first, I want to bring you a feature that we call asked and answered here on the Megan Kelly show.
	And that's where we answer some of our listener questions.
	Steve Krakow is our executive producer.
	He's got the question for us this week.
	Hey, Steve.
	Hey, Megan.
	This one came to us at questions at devilmaycaremedia.com.
	Anyone can email and we try to answer questions every week.
	This one from Kimberly Hahn.
	She wants to know, how do you do all the research and watching the news without being scared all the time?
	I want to be informed.
	I also want to leave my house.
	Tips or tricks on how you compartmentalize all the information we're fed each day?
	That's a good question.
	I think, number one, remember that the media exaggerates most things.
	They really do.
	Sensationalism sells.
	Outrage sells.
	Drama sells, especially when you're watching cable news.
	So if that's how you get your information, but also broadcast news.
	I mean, I've worked at ABC and NBC and they all have this knee-jerk instinct to forgive the term, but like sex it up, right?
	To make it sexier, as sexy as it can be and to lead with the thing that's scariest.
	So try not to get all of your news from television.
	I think the papers are actually better at this.
	And try to get your news from multiple sources, right?
	Read from the left and the right.
	I do think that the left is prone to more hysteria, but trust me, working on Fox for all those years, they like the if it bleeds, it leads approach too.
	They'll definitely go for the most outrageous stuff.
	So just remember that and discount everything you're hearing by a factor of 20%, I'd say.
	That's sort of how I stayed calm during the whole COVID thing.
	I'm like, I know it's real.
	I know it's serious, but there's absolutely 100% chance that they're enjoying playing this up.
	That's how they are.
	It's disgusting, but it's true.
	So just remember that.
	And honestly, like, you don't want to live your life that way.
	The more time you wallow in fear, the worse off you are in this world.
	Like put down the newspaper if you have to.
	Like my sister-in-law, Diane, she's lived most of her life not really being up on the news.
	And she lives in Cape Cod and she's an oyster fisherman.
	She's great, got a great story.
	She went to Duke undergrad and Harvard for grad school and now she's an oyster fisherman on Cape Cod.
	But she's a happy person, you know?
	She started getting into all the COVID news and the vaccines and all that.
	She's gotten a little less happy, I think, because she's getting closer to the news.
	So to be honest, the news can stress you out.
	But I think not to be too self-promotional, but you're in the right place.
	I think one thing we do well here is we don't discuss the news with hysteria.
	And we'll continue to do that.
	Because if you go to hysterical people to deliver you your facts, you're going to wind up a little bit more hysterical yourself.
	We're fine.
	It's all going to work out in the end.
	Hefty, you know, more than a grain of salt, a big old boulder of salt when you listen to journalists trying to tell you the sky is falling and read a book, hug your kid, and remember, I think it was Barry Weiss, or maybe it was, it was Alana.
	I'm trying to remember who it was, but they said, remember that the things that matter most in your life are generally within 12 feet of you, right?
	The things and the people.
	And that doesn't even include me, but it includes your family and your friends and your home and yourself and your love.
	That's where you go.
	That's what matters.
	The sky has not yet fallen and we're all going to be okay.
	Thanks for the question.
	Back to Andrew right after this.
	The CDC said 78% of people who were hospitalized or needed a ventilator or who died from COVID-19 have been overweight or obese.
	Almost 80%.
	Do you think it's that they die of COVID or not being able to taste food for three days?
	Oh, God.
	I think it underscores the folly.
	It underscores the folly of closing the gyms.
	That's the worst time to close the gyms.
	That's true.
	Get people in the gyms immediately.
	Did you get Corona?
	No, I didn't.
	Nope.
	Don't come to Florida.
	You will get it immediately.
	Me, and I had it already back home, but everybody on my team that moved to Florida with me got it within a week.
	Literally within a week, every single one of them.
	Yeah, it's a guaranteed right of passage.
	You move to Florida, you get Corona.
	It is what it is, 100%.
	But do people care?
	I heard people don't care about corona down in Florida.
	If you wear a mask, it's almost looked down upon in a lot of places.
	They're like, really?
	Like, people love to tell you that they don't do the mask thing.
	That's what they go.
	Yeah, we don't do the mask thing.
	The thing I really like about it is I took a cross-country flight and I fell asleep.
	And it saves your dignity when you fall asleep and your jaw falls open.
	Yeah, good point.
	Good point.
	Also, everybody's better looking with a mask.
	There are advantages to the mask.
	Not Prince Charles with his beady little eyes.
	Yeah, Charles doesn't have a good mask face.
	But yeah, I mean, it covers up them British teeth, though.
	I mean, maybe that's why they're like, there's a new strain.
	They just keep making up strains in the UK.
	Just cover their fucking teeth.
	So, so what happened to you when you got it?
Comedians Push Back Hard 00:15:15
	Was it, did it level you?
	We were actually in the middle of doing the Netflix special and we got it.
	And I mean, it was whatever.
	It wasn't that bad.
	I mean, I'm in pretty good shape.
	You know, it's just kind of annoying.
	You're just like knocked out for 10 days.
	You're just lower energy and you get tired easier.
	But yeah, it was, it was okay.
	I was.
	Were you scared at all?
	No, not really, to be honest with you.
	I wasn't, I wasn't really scared.
	No, I mean, maybe a little bit in the back of your head.
	I was more scared that like if my fiancé got it, if something happened to her, or if like my parents got it because they were around me and then I was in some way responsible for their death.
	That was terrifying for me.
	But how old are you?
	37.
	Yeah.
	So you have almost no risk from this thing.
	So are you going to get the vaccine now?
	Cause, you know, do it.
	Whatever.
	There's a question about whether you need it after you had it.
	Yeah, I don't, honestly, I don't know.
	Do we do the vaccine?
	Like, let's get back to normal.
	What do you need me to do to get back to normal?
	Like, that's, I mean, like, do we do the vaccine?
	Do we not do the vaccine?
	Like, what, what happens?
	But we need to get back.
	It's been enough of the year.
	Come on.
	You're one of the few people for whom COVID has been, I think, great professionally.
	Am I wrong?
	Like, you found a way.
	Yeah.
	You, you found a way.
	Like, you, you know, it's just like the evolutionary process.
	You found a way to keep getting your comedy out there on YouTube, which became huge.
	And like the number of hits on those videos, which is where I first saw you, and the Netflix special, it's like your career's taking off in this thing.
	Yeah.
	I mean, the way I look at it is like, I mean, I knew this was going to happen because once I saw like the late night shows and all the other comedy shows, like once they started producing stuff out of their homes, I was like, oh, yeah, this is a home game for me.
	Like you're competing with me at what I do.
	Right.
	So I've had to compete with you guys without all the flashy lights and a million different camera angles and the fake crowd and all that kind of stuff.
	So it's like, once once they were on my field, I was like, oh, it's done.
	It's all this is guaranteed, you know, to the moon, Dogecoin, whatever it is.
	And yeah, and I just got a great, you know, great team of guys that are just like, you know, we're all on the same page with what we want to do, what we want to put out.
	And we just decided we're going to go out there and just murder shit this year.
	And it is, it is weird to be like, yeah, the best year of my career happened during the worst year of most people's lives.
	But yeah, it is, you got to be able to take advantage of things.
	I don't know.
	Yeah, but you're, you're in one of those businesses where your career doing well helps the rest of the people do well.
	You're, I mean, you're in the business of making people laugh.
	That's what did they need more this past year other than yeah, right?
	I guess.
	I don't know.
	I don't like to look at myself in that way at all.
	Like, you know, we, I'm doing this selfishly, right?
	Like I enjoy making people laugh because it makes me feel good, right?
	Like once, once you're an entertainer and you start acting like you're doing something for a greater good, you're just lying.
	Like that's what annoys me about Sasha Barrick and Cohen.
	Like he was so funny before he pretended to be this like activist.
	It's like, dude, you're not an activist.
	You need people to tell you you're good and funny and smart.
	You need it or else you get depressed and sad.
	Okay.
	So you created these characters.
	And to be honest, you're kind of a douchebag, right?
	Like it's taking advantage of kind people who like let you in their home out of the kindness of their hearts and then humiliating them for like millions of people, right?
	And lying to them on the process of humiliating them and then letting the lawyers fight it out when they sue you after they were nice to you.
	And then you humiliated them and misrepresented them.
	But when, so I don't even have an issue if he did that.
	If it was like a prank show, I'm like, okay, that's fine.
	We all have prank shows.
	They're absolutely hilarious.
	The second he started going like, my comedy exposes racism and sexism and Islamophobia and anti-Semitism and all this nonsense.
	And it's like, oh, dude, do you really think that we need you to tell us that racism exists in America?
	Right.
	Can you just make us laugh?
	Yeah, dude.
	Exactly.
	Just be like, hey, I'm a douchebag that takes advantage of people and makes millions of dollars.
	And that's what I do.
	And we'll go, yeah, funny.
	You're the funniest douchebag.
	But the fact that you acted like you're exposing something, oh, shut the fuck up.
	Shut your mouth.
	That's what I feel when I see that stuff.
	I don't like him either.
	I do.
	I don't like mean and he's mean.
	And like when you get people feeling sorry for Rudy Giuliani, you know you're mean.
	I felt bad with what he did to Rudy.
	I like, I don't know, just the whole thing.
	I just, every time I see him, I'm like, oh, trigger.
	I just like, he's nasty.
	But it's, he's sort of a bigger version of the late night comedians who are also mean and not that funny.
	And, you know, that home gig is really exposing, it's exposing how badly they need the audience sitting in front of the applause signs.
	That's the thing.
	They're not mean, the late night guys.
	They're just, they want to be invited to the party, man.
	This is something that happens when you get in LA and like most of these guys, like most comics are losers, right?
	Like they never got laid till they started doing comedy, right?
	So they're just kind of nerds.
	And like when nerds get to sit at what they think is the cool table, it's really exciting.
	And then when you act as if they could have their seat removed, they'll do anything to keep that seat.
	So you get guys who were absolutely hilarious earlier in their career, like Jimmy Kimmel, just completely, you know, turning into these like, I don't know, just kind of like maybe like left-wing mouthpieces just to keep their job, I guess.
	Like, and I wouldn't even care.
	Completely new to this.
	And I don't care if you're like a left-wing mouthpiece or a right-wing mouthpiece.
	I don't care if that's what you believe in.
	But the fact that you're completely changing who you are to fit the model that is this show so you can keep buying houses in fucking Utah or wherever you want to live.
	It's just so corny to me.
	I just, it's just not funny.
	I feel like we all witnessed that happen.
	We all witnessed that happen with Jimmy Fallon, who I think is much, much more likable than those other guys.
	But of course he surrendered.
	Like he got hit for having that fun interview with Trump or he ruffled the hair.
	People are like, you normalized him.
	And then he tried to go political and like anti-Trump and it didn't work.
	You could tell it wasn't authentic.
	And it was just awkward.
	Yeah.
	I mean, you know, God bless Jimmy.
	He's always been awkward to me.
	I don't, yeah, I've never thought I'd really like to hear Jimmy have a discussion with somebody.
	I think that they did a brilliant job of just creating games out of the show.
	And the thing that they did different that I thought was really smart is made the celebrities look vulnerable in the games.
	So instead of Jimmy getting a pie thrown in his face, it's Arierna Grande or some famous person that you would never see in a vulnerable moment.
	And I was like, oh, that's genius, what they did.
	And they'll use Jimmy's likability and then create these games and it's fun.
	But yeah, once he like went political and then they just all pussied out, that's the thing.
	It's like the second there's a little bit of negative feedback, they get so terrified because they think that the internet is reality when it's not reality, you know?
	And yeah, but that's, you know what, that's the thing is like when you have your own platforms, like you have your own YouTube page or Patreon or your own podcast, like you're only, you only have to be loyal to your constituents, right?
	You only have to be loyal to your shareholders, if you will.
	But if you work for NBC or even Netflix, you have to be loyal to their shareholders and their constituents.
	And their shareholders are not a monolith.
	Some of their shareholders might be upset at the shit you say.
	Some of their shareholders might like it.
	And if those people that are upset are loud enough, they can potentially cancel you because ABC or NBC has to be loyal to their shareholders, not to the show that they're putting on.
	So you're always going to be vulnerable to that with the current system that we have, unless you control your platform.
	That's right.
	In other circumstances, they can use whatever you say as an excuse to get rid of you for whatever else is happening behind the scenes that they're upset about.
	You know, it's like no comment.
	Are you not allowed to talk about that stuff?
	I'm not even allowed to talk about whether I'm allowed to talk.
	Really?
	Let's just say, let me put it in general terms.
	Let's just say my industry is so fucked up because when media people get in trouble, you're fighting media people who know how to manipulate the media and do an all-out assault on you.
	So it's, it's like high-level jiu-jitsu and you might have been trained a little, but you're never going to be trained as well or control as many outlets as the big companies do.
	So whatever narrative they want to put out, they can put out and you can fight back, but it's teaspoons in the ocean.
	One thing I like about you is you're totally non-PC.
	I have a very high bar for all conversation and jokes and discussion.
	And I had a couple moments where I was like, oh my God, I can't look at the screen watching some of your stuff.
	But I like that.
	It's refreshing.
	You're not afraid to go there.
	No, because I don't need to be right.
	I'm telling you how I feel.
	And how I feel is sometimes wrong and sometimes it's right.
	But it is how I feel.
	And I think comics that are good comics and get things right and even pundits that do the same thing can express that they have a feeling without saying that that's how the world should be.
	See what I'm saying?
	Yeah.
	Like, I'm sure there are times where like my girlfriend, my fiancé, whatever the hell term we have to use, but I'm sure there are times where she wants to just like punch me in the face.
	Now, that's a wrong thing to do.
	And she doesn't do it, but she felt like she wanted to.
	I'm not going to be angry at her for that feeling because that's, I'm sure, relatable feeling.
	I'm sure a lot of people want to punch me in the face.
	Matter of fact, it might be the most relatable feeling that she has in terms of like the general public.
	So as long as I put things out there in terms of how I feel and not dictate whether things are right or wrong, I think that that's something that people can respect because you're just being honest, you know?
	Now, but do you get, so in a way, I hope this is a compliment, but in a way, you remind me of Dave Chappelle, where he just says the most incendiary things that you are not allowed to say.
	You are not allowed to say that.
	You can't use racial stereotypes or short forms about black people, about Asians, about white people, about Italians, about whatever.
	And you're like, no, I don't follow any of those rules.
	And your audience laughs.
	They're with you.
	And they can't all know what they're getting when they go to see Andrew Schultz.
	Some may not know what they're, but I've never seen people recoil in horror that you've crossed the third rail of politically correct comedy.
	So is that, well, I don't know.
	Is it scary for you in today's day and age of wokeness to be as bold on that as you are?
	No.
	Not at all.
	Not at all?
	Least.
	That's scary.
	No, this is, this is just funny.
	This is what we do.
	Also, I've got the most diverse audience in comedy.
	It's not even close.
	So it's like, when I'm telling a joke, if I'm saying a joke about an Asian person or a black person, right?
	I'm saying it to their face with other black people or Asians or white people or Jews or Muslims, whatever.
	It's happening to them and you get to see how they react.
	So instead of like a bunch of like white ladies coming on the internet and being offended on behalf of someone else who isn't even angry, you get to see how they react in the moment.
	And there's a trust that's built up because I've been doing this for over a decade, right?
	And these people know me and they know my heart and they know what we're all signing up for when we come out to the show, right?
	Everybody's taking part of this, right?
	It's a dodgeball game.
	It's like when you go to play dodgeball, you're not upset if someone hits you with a dodgeball.
	Right.
	Because that's what you signed up for.
	So yeah, I don't, I don't worry about it.
	Matter of fact, it's like I relish in it.
	Like these are the times where like great comedians get to be born.
	Like great comedians come from times of censorship.
	They don't come from times of say whatever the fuck you want.
	You name any great comedian throughout history.
	They were pushing back against something.
	There was some sort of institution where, you know, that the general public didn't like that made their voice valuable.
	If you could say anything, then when you can say anything, comedy becomes like irreverent and it becomes absurdist.
	You know, you're talking about like a Zach Galfanakis types really thrive when you could say anything, you know?
	Yeah.
	Because we're like, okay, well, what is there to push back against?
	Well, we'll push back against the institution of comedy.
	There's no institutions to push back against.
	Well, we'll push back against comedy itself.
	But when there are institutions to push back against, when there is some sort of like cultural unrest, that's when, you know, comics who are confident in their feelings and believe in their feelings tend to thrive.
	So it's cool.
	Well, and you're, what I've noticed is you're an equal opportunity offender.
	There's no group that's safe, which is what makes it so fun.
	Like everyone's going to get it.
	And they, and they're laughing too.
	And one thing I noticed about you that I don't know, I've spent a lot of time at the comedy seller, which I freaking love.
	Not all comedians laugh heartily at their own best jokes, but you do.
	Yeah.
	I'm funny.
	That's why.
	All right.
	So is that what's happening?
	You're genuinely cracking yourself up.
	Yeah.
	Like there's two times, well, two like ways I'll laugh on stage, right?
	Like one way I'll laugh is like if something happens in the moment that is just so wild, because a lot of moments that I share on YouTube, I have like an hour of material that like I'll do on the road, but I also will just, you know, mess around with the audience and like, you know, we'll have these crazy moments.
	Like just last week in Salt Lake, there's a guy and his girlfriend is at the show.
	And then the guy next to the girl just so happened to have had sex with the girl before the other couple started dating.
	So it was just like this crazy occurrence that will never happen again.
	And we happen to record it.
	So like we put that out.
	So these things are always fun.
	These things are happening for me as well, right?
	So I'm seeing something happen in real time.
	I'm like, oh, it's really funny that that happened.
	And then the other reason why I laugh is I can't fucking believe that I'm able to say these things out loud for a living.
	Like I'll just say something and then I'll just kind of chuckle to myself because like, this is a crazy way to make a living.
	What the fuck just happened?
Feminism vs Birth Control 00:03:49
	How are you on the tightrope?
	Yeah, but it makes no sense.
	It makes no sense.
	Megan, it makes no sense.
	So were you always funny?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It came into the world that way.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I was, I was, yeah, I was funny and I valued being funny.
	I always, I always, and I value people that were funny.
	I really admired people that were funny.
	You know, like older, I didn't have any older brothers, but like my friends who had older brothers, if they were funny, you know, I just loved listening to them say jokes and bust balls.
	And I just thought they were the coolest people.
	Like if you were funny, you were the coolest guy to me, right?
	Anybody who's funny was just my, my aunts were really funny.
	My mom's Scottish and like Scottish women have like a real sharp wit.
	Like I get my wit from my the women on my mom's side.
	Same.
	And it is, I mean, they're just, they were brutal.
	They toughened me up.
	They toughened me up.
	Those women were brutal.
	And oh my God, the dudes couldn't keep up with them.
	They would run the house and they would tear these guys down.
	It was unbelievable to see.
	So like, I also may be a little bit, you know, tough when we come to like the gender dynamic stuff because I just grew up with like really strong, successful women.
	So like when I hear like these like chicks who went to Harvard crying about how hard it is for women, I'm just like, sweetheart, grow the fuck up.
	You know, like get some better role models.
	To me too, there's nothing more incendiary, more infuriating than seeing somebody with a ton of advantages playing the victim and acting like everything is as undermined them.
	It's like, I was just talking about this after Rush Limbaugh died, because one of his most controversial moments was when he was referring to this Sandra Fluck as a slut.
	He called her a slut.
	It's not a nice thing to do.
	I get it.
	But Rush was part comedian, number one.
	A lot of his bits were done with that sort of tongue-in-cheek attitude.
	And number two, Sandra Fluck took the went and testified before Congress about how we all needed to pay for her birth control.
	And it was outrageous.
	She was pissed that birth control can run up the bills every month.
	And how is she supposed to afford it?
	Meanwhile, she was at Georgetown Law School.
	Georgetown law.
	Like, give me a break.
	I went to Albany Law School.
	Somehow I found a way, Sandra.
	Try harder.
	Yeah.
	But you know what's weird?
	It's like, yeah, I'll pay for your birth control.
	Like, I don't think guys are pushing back on that that much.
	Right?
	Like, if there's one thing we're probably willing to pay for, it's birth control.
	Right?
	Like, what dude is going to be like, nope, they got to coffee up themselves.
	I'll pay $18 for a cocktail, but I refuse to pay 30 cents a month for all women to have birth control.
	You raise a good point.
	Rush did not feel the same.
	You see this happen all the time where like, I actually, it kind of like annoys me that like that there's like this this like pushback against feminism, right?
	Which you see not only this modern like third wave or fourth wave, I don't know how many fucking waves are at right now, but in its inception, the way like I've digested feminism is it's almost as if like some dude snuck in there and like convinced women to become awesome, you know, like they literally you see these marches where girls are like, I want to be able to free the nipple.
	And it's like, is that really your idea?
	Or did a guy convince you guys to take your shirts off, right?
	Like, you know, like girls are like, we should be able to get abortions.
	Girls are like, we need to make equal money so we could work.
	Like, and we could pay half of the bill.
Charming Guys and Sexism 00:07:40
	And it's like, yeah, this is awesome.
	Like, guys, shut the fuck up.
	Just let them do this shit.
	Okay.
	Because we're on the same page finally.
	Right?
	It's right that way.
	Feminism is for men.
	I think we invented it.
	Tell me one bad thing for dudes.
	Like, I get to, I get to pay half for dinner.
	Girls get to walk around topless all the time.
	If we make a little mistake, you know, she's 100% down to take care of it.
	It's like, tell me where this is at.
	You no longer have to hold doors open for us.
	You don't have to let us pay when we go out to dinner.
	You don't have to pay when you go out to dinner.
	It's like, there are a lot of advantages.
	You're right.
	Now that I think it through.
	I mean, this seems like feminism seems like it is a bigger disadvantage to women than it is to men.
	Like, I don't know.
	It's just instead of like having your bra hold your boobs up all day, you got to just let them fucking hang there.
	Like, bra seems convenient, right?
	Like, that could be good.
	That could be bad.
	My mom, my mom always jokes.
	My mom's going to be 80 in July.
	She always jokes that when she was younger, she was a 38C, but now she's almost 80.
	She's a 44 long.
	She needs that bra.
	She can't burn that, bra.
	She never wears one.
	She never, I'm like, mom, you got to wear a bra.
	She's like, I don't like it.
	It's uncomfortable.
	Meanwhile, there's this story that lives in infamy in my family of when she went, it was, it was like basic, it was almost parodied in the movie Swingers.
	My mom and the family went out to a diner.
	She's sitting on the one end of the booth and my sister, whose daughter was just a baby, is right across from her.
	And my mom's going, how big is Emily?
	Which is the baby.
	So big with the arms above the head.
	So big.
	And there's a guy in the booth behind Suzanne and Emily, like staring at my mother.
	And my mother is like, she can't take her eyes off of me.
	He can't take his eyes off of me.
	Look at him.
	Look at him.
	I mean, it's truly half of this is parodied in Swingers.
	And my mom's like, I still got it, which she always says.
	She's always like, I still got it.
	And it turns out my mom didn't have a bra on and she still lifted up her sweatshirt as she's going so big.
	And showing her tits.
	Yes.
	And they're so long now.
	They're like the 44 long.
	She didn't.
	Oh, I love it.
	She got those Aladdin slippers.
	That's what happens to tits if they keep going.
	What is an Aladdin slipper?
	What do you mean?
	You know, Aladdin?
	Yeah.
	Aladdin.
	You know, the shoes he wears?
	Like, they're like pointy at the tip.
	That's what boobs turn into.
	I certainly hope not.
	Oh, my God.
	Oh, God.
	Swingers movie changed my life.
	How?
	Robbie, it's just like the most amazing movie I ever saw in my entire life, especially at this like, I forget exactly how old I was when I saw it, but like my whole life changed in that moment afterwards.
	It was spectacular.
	I just really watched Bond.
	Oh, he was amazing.
	Like, he basically taught me in that moment, like, you can be charming and charismatic to women and they will appreciate it.
	What showed you that in that movie?
	Like, he would go up to these girls and he'd just say wild stuff and have these crazy stories and like big up his friends and like, oh, look how cool my friend is.
	And yeah, we're going to do this.
	And like, he was just this crazy schmoozer, right?
	And like the way that he would talk about how cool his friends were so that the girls would see value in his friends, but it also made him look cool to be so vulnerable to like big up his friend instead of himself.
	And I think before that, all my examples of like male role models were either like Bruce Willis, like, like, in order to get laid, I got to save America, which is a lot, right?
	Or super like romantic movies where, you know, our love has been etched in stone and yada yada yada.
	It was the first person I saw that like reflected what I thought my personality was.
	And I didn't know that you could use that personality with the opposite sex, and that they would like find it fun and entertaining.
	And immediately after that, I was like, oh, that's how you can meet women and like court women.
	You can have fun with them.
	You don't have to like pretend you're in a fucking romantic, not even romantic comedy, like some like romance novel.
	And you're so beautiful and I love you.
	Your hair is this.
	And I long for you and all this other nonsense.
	But you can actually treat them like human beings and like be charming and fun with them.
	And it was just so cool to see that.
	And don't get me wrong.
	If we watch the movie now, I'm sure it's like douchey and sexist and all this other stuff.
	But who cares?
	Yeah, but at its core, I thought it was really cool to show that like women like charming guys.
	I think that they want a knight in shining armor when it requires a knight in shining armor.
	But I think that a knight in shining armor all the time is exhausting.
	Do you know what I mean?
	Like, yeah, I do.
	I don't know.
	I think you're insulting women's intelligence by acting as if you can't engage them intellectually.
	And I think banter is what I think British people call it is an intellectual endeavor.
	Like it's fun to like exchange wits with someone.
	And I don't know, the women I've always connected with value that.
	And I've always valued that, you know, in them.
	And I think, I think when society is critical of like hot chicks that just have nothing else, that's what they're actually critical of.
	They just don't know how to express it.
	It's almost like, I understand you're hot, but I still want to have banter with you.
	And if you think that you can just be hot and not supply any banter, that's almost insulting to me.
	Well, you're going to wind up with a loser.
	You're going to wind up with that.
	That's the hard thing.
	Like women, they got to work on developing their whole personalities because if you're just going to go off your looks, you're going to wind up with a loser.
	That's the truth.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And look, you should have some.
	Like maybe it's sexist to say this, but like, yeah, I think guys should try to be successful financially.
	Like there's going to be a time where your girl can't do anything because she just squeezed the baby out.
	She's got to look after that for a few months.
	Like you should be able to hold it down for that time period.
	If I was a girl, it's pretty vulnerable.
	I like to make you feel like you're secure.
	So I don't know if that's sexism.
	You can call it sexism if you want, but like if my girl goes, hey, I think I'd like to take a few months off after squeezing a human being out of my vagina.
	Can you hold it down?
	I'm like, yeah, that's the point.
	That's, that's my job.
	So maybe we need a little bit of sexism.
	In a perfect world, you've got the woman has a good job and her maternity leave is going to make that whole decision a lot easier.
	But yeah, the partnership.
	And I, I mean, I love what you're saying about swingers because I love that movie too.
	And Vince Vaughn, I mean, it's what made him a star and his character was utterly charming.
	And I'm sure you related to it because he was funny.
	He was quick.
	He was clever.
	And I like what you said about how he built his friend up.
	That's so true too.
	I think that's attractive in either sex, right?
	Not to be threatened by your friend, but to be showing them off, to be supporting them, to be building them up.
	Yes, it's attractive, actually.
	Like someone with the confidence to big up their friend.
	To me, I'm looking at that person like, oh, you're so confident who you are that you don't even need my validation.
	You want my validation to go to your friend?
	That's hot.
	Right.
	It's true.
	You're so money, you don't even know it.
	You're so money, you don't even know it, Megan.
	Do you watch a lot of movies?
	Like, is that, is that, what do you do in your spare time?
Markle Money and Curtsies 00:17:16
	Like, how do you refuel that brain with new information for your act?
	I don't know, to be honest with you.
	That's a great, I just try to feel things.
	And like, anytime I try to write jokes about things that I don't have any connection to, it doesn't work out.
	Yeah, it's like, I need to.
	Well, you seem like you're watching the news a lot because you're, your humor is so timely.
	Not even, to be honest with you.
	When we were doing the weekly pieces where I would do those like rants, we would do an immense amount of research.
	And it was like, it was a painful amount of research so that we could be like right.
	But when we're just busting balls, like I, again, I just like to soak in what the story is and then just say how I feel about the story.
	You know, like, what is my knee-jerk?
	Like when I found out like China was doing those like anal swab tests, you know.
	Oh my God.
	It's just to tell the audience what you're talking about because that was horrifying.
	So like for foreigners, if you want to go to China now, there's a new COVID test that was developed.
	It's actually more accurate, they say.
	And the swab doesn't go up your nose.
	It goes up your rectum.
	Right.
	And my knee-jerk reaction to that was, you know, why do Chinese people need to get 100 on every test?
	You know, like, isn't 99 good enough?
	Right.
	Like, what's the PCR?
	Is that 98?
	Like, I'll take a 98.
	So like, that's just, that's the type of way that I can write jokes.
	I just have to feel something.
	I can't manifest it.
	Like, there's some comics they just try to say the funniest thing about Uber.
	I don't care about that.
	I want to feel something about the topic.
	That's hilarious and so disturbing.
	I mean, whereupon no one ever went to visit China again, ever.
	Who would do that?
	Who would consent?
	You're walking around China and everybody there goes, whoa, you really want to be here.
	They're just looking at you laughing.
	They know what you went through to have a PK duck.
	That's a big sacrifice.
	And the story was, we had a bunch of diplomats go over there, the U.S., and many of them were subjected to this.
	And this, the story was they complained because they felt it was undignified.
	Like you think.
	Yeah.
	Send me back, dude.
	I'm not.
	We're not doing this.
	You're not putting anything in my butt.
	I don't care.
	No.
	No.
	Oh, my God.
	I mean, that takes like the TSA search that we find undignified to a whole new level.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's just not going to happen.
	You're not going to do it.
	Send me back.
	I would just say, send me back.
	Put me back.
	Put me on a plane.
	You're not going to put anything in my body.
	He's not happy.
	I don't care.
	It's not going to happen.
	I don't put anything in my own butt.
	I don't do that to my, to me.
	So you can't do that to me.
	Well, let me tell you something.
	This describes a lot of sexual experiences a lot of women have had and discussions they've had.
	Let's get something straight right from the top.
	The anal suave.
	It's just an anal suave.
	That's all.
	You won't feel a thing.
	I never understood that.
	I never understood why people even want to explore that hole.
	It just doesn't make sense to me.
	Straight people, you mean?
	Yeah.
	Well, gay guys got to do it because that's the only option.
	It's not like they want to.
	It's not the only option, but it's, yeah.
	I mean, it's the only option where you guys still get to have a nice conversation.
	Do you think that's what they're doing?
	It's the only option where you can still have eye contact.
	You know, the important things about sex.
	Maybe.
	Maybe, maybe not.
	I don't know.
	It's just so weird.
	Like, it's just this, it's almost like this manifest destiny thing about it, you know?
	Like, well, I feel bad for the girls today because, you know, back in my day, men had access to like penthouse, penthouse forum, but there was no internet when I grew up in the 80s.
	And now these kids are like looking at the dirtiest, most disgusting, weird porn that no one in real life does and trying to convince these young girls that that's a thing, right?
	Like that's what everybody's doing.
	That's what sex is like.
	It's ruining sex for both parties.
	You know what?
	You're 100% right.
	And like people get so fixated on these like stupid issues that involve sexism.
	Like it's just cartoon characters, sex is like when they don't realize that there's an entire generation of young people that are probably now adults that grew up watching porn and thinking that's what sex is.
	And the problem with that is porn is for men.
	Like it's not for girls.
	There are girls in it, but it's not for them, right?
	They had like, I know a lot of girls that say they watch lesbian porn.
	And I'm like, yeah, that makes sense, even if you're not gay, because at least they're trying to make the women feel good.
	So it's like, you put up with the lesbianism because you're like, well, at least I can imagine that I'm that girl and there's someone that wants me to feel good in the porn.
	But there's all these girls that are growing up thinking that's what normalized sex is.
	I'm shocked that this is not like a story every single day.
	It's crazy.
	Like, you know, you know who's been raising the alarm about this?
	Pamela Anderson.
	Really?
	Pamela Anderson has made this one of her this and Julian Assange.
	Those are and animals.
	Those are her three big causes.
	But she, she knows a thing or two about this weird industry.
	She was never a porn star.
	She, you know, she gave naked pictures to Playboy.
	She had the porn.
	She had the video.
	It's adjacent.
	It's well, but that wasn't like her willingly engaging in porn, right?
	Wasn't that just like a home video of action that then got released or stolen?
	It was stolen out of their house.
	It was stolen.
	You're right.
	It was stolen.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I've talked to her.
	She's actually, I mean, I don't know how to say this, but the phrase that's coming to my head is she's a good girl.
	Like she's, she's smart and she's thoughtful.
	And she was like, she also had a really interesting outlook on Harvey Weinstein.
	Like she said, like the women, they need to think long and hard about why they accept an invitation to go right into his hotel room at 11 o'clock at night for a meeting.
	And I could defend the women all day long, but I just, I like different thinkers who are like, remember this too.
	I was Pamela Anderson.
	I never did that.
	I had lots of opportunities, but my mom in Canada told me, beware, right?
	That's interesting about Weinstein.
	You know who I don't think gets enough shit with Weinstein is the people that protected Weinstein, because like they're going to be Weinsteins in the world.
	Like obviously this guy's a douchebag and he should die in jail, but like there's going to be more versions of him, right?
	And women should be able to complain about Weinstein.
	And also, by the way, there's Weinsteins for dudes in Hollywood too.
	Like this is the big kept secret, right?
	There's a bunch of like gay casting directors and a gay producer, et cetera.
	They're like, take advantage of these, you know, young actors.
	And they're doing the exact same thing, but nobody wants to talk about it.
	But that's fine.
	But so there are people that protect the Weinstein.
	In other words, there are girls that complain about that time in the hotel room and then they get silenced.
	And that I have a huge problem with because there are going to be other Weinsteins.
	And you should be able to complain about these people and have your complaints listened to and heard.
	And then those people should be able, you know, to get those people in trouble, this, that, the other.
	But when, when the person who is the victim of this, you know, sexual assault complains and then is told to shut the fuck up by a bunch of people who are still around, I'm sure, now, and have received no justice at all.
	That's when the system completely falls apart and someone feels, you know, completely helpless.
	So you need to look no further than, you know, people like Meryl Streep calling Harvey a god at the Oscars, I think it was, or the Globes, whatever, one of those one year, which is a message everybody was reinforcing about him, even though there were rumors about what a shitty guy he was for a long, long time, which people either had no desire to look into or just didn't want to believe, notwithstanding the proof staring them in the face.
	Yeah.
	I mean, like, again, it's the same thing as Sasha Barricone.
	They just want to be invited to the party.
	They just want to be able to make the movie.
	Oh, yeah, they want to be.
	They are obsessed.
	They need the attention.
	They are addicted to this attention and they are willing to look past absolutely anything in order to continue to get it.
	It's an addiction.
	So let me ask you a question because we're sitting here and breaking news just came in across the wires as you and I were chatting.
	It's kind of a little bit relates to the discussion we had at the top, which is, you know, Piers Morgan, right?
	Of Good Morning Britain.
	Yeah.
	Whatever happened to him?
	Like he's out now.
	He's it the statement is, and he's been hosting Good Morning Britain with his co-host Susanna for a long time.
	I was just on the show talking about Markle and Harry.
	Following discussions with ITV, that's the network, Piers Morgan has decided now is the time to leave Good Morning Britain.
	ITV has accepted this decision and has nothing further to add.
	What do you think of that?
	Well, he's been embattled.
	He's very anti-Megan Markle, which he has been.
	And look, I guess the better way of saying it is he's not drinking the Kool-Aid on her, right?
	He doesn't seem like a fan.
	But yesterday, he was really going off about the Oprah interview.
	And I agreed with much of what he said.
	I thought that I'm not, I'm not a big fan of Megan and Harry and their victimhood knee-jerk to everything.
	Like, have you ever seen such privileged people play the victim on virtually everything?
	It's just like, I've had it.
	And no message of like, you know what, we had some rough times, but we're good.
	We're still, I'm still a prince.
	I'm still a duchess, or at least, you know, sort of.
	And someday Archie will be a prince.
	And we live in a $14 million mansion in, you know, Montecito next to Oprah.
	And we just signed $150 million worth of deals with Netflix and Spotify.
	we're good. We're good.
	Don't worry about us.
	No, that wasn't in there, right?
	It was like, sad.
	Everyone's had to get me the palace, the press, my dad.
	Okay.
	So anyway, that's so Piers is kind of.
	He's very protective of the queen and was sort of going off on what an insult it was.
	And then today on the show, there was a guy who he was arguing with and the guy just kept like saying, well, all that matters is her lived experience.
	And Piers just kept saying, but her facts were wrong.
	She said that Archie wasn't going to be a prince because of his skin color.
	And what we've all now seen now, thanks to all the press, is that Archie was never going to be a prince.
	That was an edict handed down 100 years ago until Charles became king, because I don't know something about the way the rule, the rules work.
	Anyway, any thoughts on Piers Morgan out at Good Morning Britain?
	I could care less about British TV and who's on it.
	Also, any man that says, I'm not a Megan Markle person, immediately anything else they ever say, I don't care about.
	I said that.
	I was paraphrasing for him.
	Stop it.
	Any man that has an opinion on Megan Markle, I don't care about anything else you say ever.
	Like if Megan Markle has got you riled up, like, it's just, I don't understand why people even care.
	Like this woman, she became, she married into the royal family.
	What did she think that meant?
	I mean, like, what does she think?
	That you just married to the royal family and then you just go on living your life as normal?
	No, there's going to be responsibilities.
	And you better show up to those responsibilities.
	You're getting paid to do nothing.
	So you're going to wear the stupid outfits.
	You're going to curtsy.
	You're going to go to the whatever it is, not Independence Day parade, but like removing other countries Independence Day Parade.
	Is that what they celebrate in England?
	I'm just saying, like the least you can do, right?
	The least you can do for all the money and advantages that you get to be attached to the royal family is go through the rigmarole that is the royal family.
	Just fucking shut up and do it.
	And if you don't want to be part of it, say you don't want to be a part of it and then shut up again.
	Like it's class.
	Leave with class.
	Like she left.
	She was a B-list actress here in the United States who we never would have wanted to hear from had she not married Harry.
	Now she's getting $150 million because of that family because she married in and they accepted her.
	And there's no, there's no gratitude.
	There's only slings and arrows and complaints.
	I'm not on her side all her bitching and moaning about how hard she had on the royal tour when we've had a year of doctors and nurses laying their lives on a line, watching people die around them without complaint.
	But she can't handle the royal tour to Australia.
	Yeah, no, she sucks.
	But like she definitely sucks.
	And but so does like, I think it's beneath Americans to care about royalty from any other country.
	Like I think it is beneath us to give any fucks about the British royal family.
	Like when I hear an American care about it, I'm just like, come on, come on, come on.
	What is this?
	Like lions don't, you know, aren't concerned about the opinions of sheep.
	These are sheep.
	You know what I mean?
	It's a sheep.
	I hate myself for caring.
	Shit.
	I'm looking at a whole new light.
	Why do I care?
	I don't know why.
	You're better than this.
	You're an American.
	Come on.
	We already whooped their ass.
	You know what I mean?
	We handled that.
	That's years ago.
	Now let them go have their little fun.
	We had a debate one time on NBC about whether an American should curtsy to the queen.
	And I was saying, why would we?
	We're not one of her subjects.
	We fought a whole war.
	Do we not one of her subjects?
	And of course, at NBC, it was like, oh, that's rude.
	You're, you know, you're being rude.
	I'm like, I don't think it's rude.
	I'm not her subject.
	Why would I, I don't, like, that's where I draw the line.
	I think it's embarrassing that Canada still has the queen on their money.
	That's pathetic.
	It's absolutely pathetic.
	Like, get the queen off your money.
	Are you your own country or are you not?
	It's a very simple question.
	You have to ask yourself.
	So in the case of Canada, you know, I'm just look, there may be a little bit soft, but like, come on, stand up for yourself.
	You're not part of the, what do they call it?
	That doesn't sound like Canada, the kingdom.
	Yeah, the kingdom.
	That's right.
	But yeah, it's just a little, it's just, I don't know, it's just a little silly, the whole royalty thing.
	I don't get it.
	I mean, I get maybe, you know, in the movies, it's nice to be a princess or this, that, the other.
	But like, if I want to curtsy to the queen, then I'll curtsy to the queen, but you're not going to tell me what I have to do.
	Canadian Debbie, my tap dancer producer, is telling me that they have whole highways named after the queen in Canada.
	It's like, rename it.
	Rename it.
	What Canadian do they have to really name things after?
	Honestly, Janice Dean.
	She'd be one.
	Justin Bieber and the first, what is that woman's name?
	What is the man?
	I feel like a woman.
	That girl, the country music star.
	Oh, Shania Twain.
	Shania Twain.
	That's a great highway.
	Wayne Gretzky.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, they've got a lot of Ryan Reynolds.
	He took the highway.
	Drake.
	Drake's Canadian.
	Jim Carey.
	Like, there's a lot of people you can name highways after.
	You don't have to name a highway after the queen.
	Like, yeah.
	Did they build the highway?
	Did the queen build it?
	Yeah, you raise a good point.
	I think she did, actually, didn't she?
	Like, her people, her money, I don't like, that counts.
	Well, if she built the highway, then she gets her name on it, I guess.
	That's fair.
	It's an homage or something.
	Well, anyway, maybe here in New York, we'll get an Andrew Schultz way.
	You know how they name streets here after somebody who did the city crowd?
	I'll nominate you.
	I got a lot of people in this city.
	They love me here.
	Yeah.
	Honestly, Megan, that would be pretty cool.
	I get the whole statue thing.
	You know, I get it.
	But then again, maybe I'm just supposed to exist within my time.
	Maybe that's my, maybe that is my destiny.
	And I have to exist with myself.
	You don't think future generations don't need to know about you?
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	You know what?
	I don't care.
	I just want to, I want to ride this to the wheels fall off.
	And then whatever happens later, that's cool.
	You know, but like, yeah, maybe that's my role.
	Maybe that's my role in the ecosystem.
	I have to exist within my time and then be, you know, as impactful, but also just be a good guy to the people that I meet.
	And then, yeah, live a good life.
	Be a good guy.
	It's not that hard, right?
	I love it.
	Ride it till the wheels come off.
	Thanks for listening to the Megan Kelly Show.
	No BS, no agenda, and no fear.
	30 gigabytes for bar 214.
	One call, it's not a good thing.

Chapters

00:00:50 Refreshing Presidential Honesty
00:09:34 Fire Island Dance Lessons
00:18:24 Oil, Starbucks, and Iraq
00:33:57 Shaved Pubes and Inbreeding
00:44:43 Thick Skin for News Stress
00:56:47 Comedians Push Back Hard
01:12:03 Feminism vs Birth Control
01:15:52 Charming Guys and Sexism
01:23:32 Markle Money and Curtsies