The Megyn Kelly Show - 20220401_biden-fauci-kardashian-baldwin-trans-trump-and-mor

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April 1, 2022 - The Megyn Kelly Show

01:33:48

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Welcome to the Biggest Show Ever 00:06:44
	Welcome to the Megan Kelly Show, your home for open, honest, and provocative conversations.
	Hey, everyone, I'm Megan Kelly.
	Welcome to the Megan Kelly Show.
	We have a big show for you today.
	In fact, this might be our biggest show ever.
	We've got Kim Kardashian, Caitlin Jenner.
	Donald Trump is here along with Vladimir Putin and President Joe Biden.
	It's not exactly an April Fool's, actually.
	We've got comedian Kyle Dungan, and he does spot on impressions of all of them.
	In addition to writing and performing great comedy, his impressions are scary good.
	He's an Emmy, a Peabody, and a Writers Guild award-winning comedy writer and performer.
	And this is his first time on the show.
	Kyle, welcome.
	Hello.
	What's going on with that background there?
	You look like you're in Versailles.
	I'm redoing my house.
	I actually, I just put that chandelier in myself.
	My house is actually a disaster.
	I have to put in fake backgrounds because it's embarrassing.
	My house is like a crack den.
	And I'm thinking of moving, actually.
	I'm looking at some other real estate because I was going to redo it, but it's so bad.
	And you can't get anybody to work in your house anymore.
	I knew you didn't actually live at Versailles because I've heard you talk about your tiny, well, at least back in the day, your tiny apartment where you have to, you know, your couch has to double as a bed and it makes betting a woman a little awkward.
	Oh, that's so, that is so long ago.
	That's a deep track.
	I forgot about that joke.
	I've done my homework.
	It was on Conan.
	Oh, they, oh, they said, oh, I did that.
	Okay.
	Yes, the creaking old bed.
	So you've moved up in the world, but not yet to Versailles.
	Yeah, I had a bed.
	Have you watched that, by the way?
	Because I heard, I have to watch that.
	What?
	Versailles.
	The new Versailles.
	There's a new one.
	No, no, no.
	I love generally period pieces.
	I haven't even, I don't actually even know what you're talking about.
	I assume it's a period piece.
	It's called Versailles.
	But like the only one I couldn't tolerate was Bridgerton, where like they were suddenly making like people of different races who in like, it was so woke.
	I'm like, and peace out.
	Give me some Julian Fellows.
	That's all I need.
	I'll be asleep in two minutes.
	This is, it's called The Queen of Versailles.
	I told you the wrong name.
	And it's a woman who built this like really expensive house and they went broke and there was a documentary and now there was a new one where they got the money, I guess, to finish it.
	Okay, well, I'm into that.
	I like overspenders.
	Yes, I'm here to plug that.
	There's a huge delay, by the way.
	Oh, no.
	Well, that'll be awkward.
	I'll try to keep my mouth shut.
	I'm going to keep going like this.
	I'm seeing myself in two different screens.
	Okay.
	How do you look?
	I look, you know, it's funny because Danny, I guess when you're producers, she was very sweet.
	She goes, you know, it'd take, you know, it'll be in like 10 minutes.
	Maybe like comb your hair.
	You actually should screw that in.
	God bless her, Danny.
	I'm not paying her enough.
	No, she, she goes, right.
	And now my hair looks great.
	I think we all were thinking that.
	Yeah, you look hot.
	I don't know what happened with those other girls.
	It was wrong.
	I've actually, I've always wanted to be considered hot.
	And my whole life, I've tried.
	And I gave up a few years ago.
	But just growing up, I don't know.
	I thought it could happen eventually.
	And you actually get uglier as you get older.
	Did you know that?
	I am aware I'm fighting it every step of the way.
	You look great.
	What is that like to give up on trying to be hot?
	What does that entail?
	It's freeing.
	In a way, it's freeing, you know?
	Because I used to like when I leave to go out, I'd look in the mirror.
	You know, you check yourself out and you're like, all right, cool.
	I don't even look in the mirror anymore.
	I leave and sometimes I'll feel the top of my head and I'll feel there's like a hair way up and I look like Al Falfa or something.
	But I just, it's free because I don't think about what I look like.
	Well, how, how does that manifest?
	Because, you know, sometimes you come home, if that happens, I can, I never do that, but I can relate just if I take the dogs out in the morning and then you come back in and suddenly you realize you got like some patch of dry skin that's very unsightly.
	Like, has that ever happened to you?
	You're like, actually, I should stop in front of the mirror.
	No, yes.
	It's, it's, um, it's a terrible idea.
	I don't recommend it.
	You're not married.
	No, no.
	I do need a girlfriend.
	That's, that's also why I'm here.
	Um, great.
	I need more of like a nanny.
	Yeah.
	I need a nanny is what I need, which women aren't into, apparently.
	Not a lot.
	No, I'm very busy.
	And I think I busy myself because I don't date much.
	I don't go out much at all, actually.
	So when you say you need a nanny, let's run through that because Danny actually is available and she's on all of the dating sites.
	So I'm going to, I'm going to run a little interference for her.
	What specifically is it that you would like?
	Because Danny's been very so far, she's been like a nanny.
	She said, fix your hair.
	She's that kind of nanny.
	Just she needs to go like, look, you, you have to, you know, iron your shirt, just kind of taking care of me, walking around, you know, zip up your fly.
	And then sort of like, you have to pay your insurance.
	That bill's, you know, been sitting there for three months.
	Things like that.
	Like, keep, keep me on track.
	What you really need is not a Danny.
	You need an Abby.
	Abby's my assistant.
	And that's what she does.
	She does everything for me.
	It's one.
	I mean, today I sent her just a random text saying this night in April, Yardley, play.
	That's it.
	Like no information.
	She's just got to figure it out from that point.
	I'm turning into Anna Winter, you know, right?
	Isn't she like, spore someone else with your questions?
	But you need an Abby.
	You need an assistant.
	I really do.
	Really bad.
	Maybe I need both of them.
	I also want a night nanny.
	And what that is, you know, you're on the couch and you're really tired, but you have to get up and floss and brush your teeth and get your bed.
	I just want someone to pick me up, you know, like a child and then floss for me.
	Like put me bed and just floss my mouth and brush my teeth, asthma bed.
	And then, because you can go from the tired couch right into your bed.
	So you need a large business.
	A large size woman who doesn't want to ever have sex with you.
	Cause I don't believe any woman wants to have sex with a man that she sees floss.
	Yeah, flossing is disgusting when you really think about it.
	And you're flicking like food all over your house.
	Your mirror, right?
	It's like you've really, you got to do cleanup after the floss.
	I've been married to Doug for almost 15 years now.
The Danger of Flossing at Home 00:04:28
	Never once have I seen him floss.
	In fact, he almost did it last week.
	And I was like, we've made it 15 years.
	What are you doing?
	No.
	Wait until I get out of the bathroom.
	No, he knows.
	I don't want to see that.
	And I would never even try doing that in front of him because I think it's important, even after 15 years, and I'm 51 years old to try to keep the heat alive.
	Try to keep at least one of those.
	I think that's great.
	That's smart.
	And I, I wonder why there isn't a floss invention.
	It must be hard to do, but just like something you just put in your mouth, it does it and you take it out.
	You know what I mean?
	That's brilliant.
	I mean, wouldn't that be the, everyone would get that?
	Well, because what do you do at the restaurant when you realize that there's food in your teeth, but you're not supposed to pick your teeth?
	So then you get up and you go to the bathroom and you take care of the issue.
	Then you come back, you eat more.
	And then what if you get more in there?
	And you get like, people keep, you go into the restroom 20 times.
	People think you have a cocaine habit.
	Do you bring, people do think that about me?
	Do you bring floss to the restaurant?
	Always.
	I've always got it in my bags.
	Cocaine?
	Oh, floss.
	Do you know?
	I've never, my audience knows that I'm, I'm kind of a goodie tushus.
	I've literally never tried a drug.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I'm sure that's strange in the comedy world, but like never, never.
	I've never tried a big druggie.
	Alcohol?
	Yes, that's my only drug of choice.
	Yes, all day long.
	Yeah, so as much as human beings possible.
	I'm too drunk to find my cocaine.
	Yeah, I'm not a big drug person.
	I never tried cocaine or heroin.
	At this point, I feel like it's dangerous for me to try that stuff.
	Well, what do you make of it?
	I was just reading.
	There's this great guy.
	His name is Rav Aurora, and he's a writer.
	And he's only 20 years old.
	He's Canadian, but he's very provocative.
	And he's written a lot of great pieces over COVID and so on about being, you know, younger.
	He's anti-woke.
	He's a man of color, but he's anti-woke.
	And he's written some pretty brave pieces.
	Anyway, he recently wrote a piece about dealing with his depression.
	And he tried, I'm going to screw up the letters, but is it MDNA, like ketamine, that kind of thing?
	And more and more people are trying this where it's like this psychedelic that you take in the presence of like a doctor, some sort of a psychiatrist or what have you.
	They give it to you.
	You're under their supervision the whole time.
	And it's supposed to really help with depression.
	I want to, I almost took that.
	I was too scared because the high or whatever you want to call it is sounds terrifying to me.
	You sort of lose your ego and your sense of being in your body.
	And they say it's like a near-death experience.
	I guess it's the same drug that gets released when you die in your brain.
	I might be wrong about that.
	But it sounds terrifying to me.
	But like if it looks like I'm looking over, I'm in two different spots on my computer.
	I'm trying to handle this.
	Let's see.
	I'm not looking away from you.
	I'll tell you when you're looking through the camera.
	Not now.
	You're here and here.
	So I'm not looking at you.
	I mean, it's not, I'm always looking at you.
	Just know that.
	Don't look at me.
	Look at try to look into the camera, like, which means.
	Sorry.
	Yeah.
	Oh, you just had it.
	Look.
	Yes.
	There.
	That's camera.
	It's looking into a void.
	Welcome to my world.
	Me too.
	Well, here I'm at Sirius today.
	All the power in my house.
	I normally do the show from my house, but all the power in my house was shut down today.
	And so I came into Sirius.
	And now the television monitor, like the camera that is, is like two feet above the actual monitor.
	So if I want to read a prompter, because sometimes they put stuff in the prompter, the advertisements and so on, I'm not looking at the camera.
	It's a little awkward.
	I'm going to draw a picture of you and then put it at the top of my computer.
	All right.
	Could you just shave off like 15 years?
	That'd be awesome.
	You look great.
	I'll show you.
	Oh, God, you're doing it now.
	Yeah, I got that.
	So I'm going to put this at the top so we can see.
	Megan.
	Looks like a ghost.
	No, this actually helps in a weird way.
	All right.
	There we go.
	There we go.
	Hi.
	It's a mystery to me why you flubbed your audition for SNL.
	Oh my God.
	That was so painful to talk about until recently because, you know, for many years, I just thought I had to go back and live with my mother, you know?
	Like this was not working out.
	In Connecticut.
	And in Connecticut.
	Wow.
	Wow.
	You do your research.
	Well, I recently moved there and I read you.
Audition Failures and Family Drama 00:12:03
	You said something like, I can't remember how you put it, but it was like, I grew up with absolutely no edge.
	Yes.
	I don't remember saying that, but that is true.
	Where in Connecticut are you?
	So I don't reveal that publicly.
	We'll talk later.
	What's your exact?
	What's your social security number?
	How much do you weigh?
	I'm a fat piece of S. I'm afraid of saying swears.
	What's the thing on here?
	I get demonetized all the time, so I try to be careful for that.
	No, you're allowed.
	We have the explicit rating on our show.
	So you're allowed to swear.
	Oh, shit.
	I'm not going to be joining you because I took a vow, my Lenten vow, to give up swearing for Lent, and I have done the worst fucking job at it.
	What?
	Yeah, it sounds like you're having a tough time.
	But I think that is a good idea.
	I would like to stop saying like.
	So if I say like, maybe you could admonish me.
	And if you swear, I don't know if I could give you a dollar if I say like and you give me a dollar and you swear.
	I like that.
	I need somebody to get me the little taboo buzzer.
	You know, the taboo buzzer.
	You need a shot collar, like a dog, you know, and they walk out of your yard area.
	Don't get me started.
	My audience does me.
	So I have two dogs.
	One is three.
	They're both English labs.
	One's yellow and one's red.
	And little red is almost a year old and he's so bad.
	His name is Strudwick, or as my mom calls him, Shrooty or Schroeder or stud.
	She has no idea.
	So Strudwick is a weird name.
	I grant my mom that.
	Anyway, he's so bad.
	He literally will jump up on the counter and eat the food.
	Just this morning, it's Friday.
	So my husband makes pancakes for the kids on Fridays and literally ate my daughter's three pancakes right off of the plate as he took them off the griddle.
	And all my audience is like, you are the dumbass.
	Put your dog in the crate.
	So we tried that.
	He barks all morning.
	Put him outside.
	He barks all morning.
	Okay, walk around the kitchen with him on the leash.
	I did that.
	He still jumps up.
	Like, you can't do, can't get anything done.
	I don't know what to do.
	Have you tried a trainer?
	Like someone to come like that Caesar Milan guy kind of thing?
	Yes.
	We spent a lot of money to send him away to what I call military reform school.
	And he apparently flunked out.
	He came back and for a week, Kyle, he was amazing.
	And then he went right back to, and I know the trainer's like, that's you.
	I know.
	But like, he wasn't doing any of the bad stuff until he did the bad stuff.
	And you can't just sit there all day long in the kitchen.
	I got things to do waiting to shock him if he gets up on those hind legs.
	Yeah.
	Are you afraid to be mean?
	Do you feel like you're being mean to your dog?
	I was at first.
	I didn't at first want to use that shock collar because my good friend at dog trainer was like, no, it's inhuman.
	I was like, you're right.
	And then he kept trying to eat my other dog's crap.
	And I was like, one flew over the cuckoo's nest.
	Yeah, yeah.
	It doesn't work.
	I had my last night.
	I gave my dog a bone and she had this, a shard came off.
	It's like two inches and it was sharp.
	And I saw it in her mouth and I went over because I was really scared she'd swallow it.
	And she saw me coming thinking I would want a disgusting bone and she swallowed it.
	And she's a tiny dog.
	So I'm just monitoring her.
	What kind of dog is she?
	She's a pug Chihuahua.
	Oh, oh, right.
	She doesn't have any room in there.
	No, and she's very bad.
	And it's my fault.
	I'm not a good discipliner.
	I think it's funny when she does bad things.
	Like what?
	What else does she?
	What does she do that's funny bad?
	I would love funny bad.
	I have truly distressing bad.
	Yeah, yours sounds pretty bad.
	Mine, she just like growls and barks at me.
	She always wants food and she's just a brat about food and just constantly barking at me.
	I don't know and growling.
	I think it's funny.
	Barking.
	Probably trying to give you a warning about your hair.
	Yes.
	We have good friends who have Bernie's mountain dogs.
	You know, those big old hairy dogs.
	They kind of look one step removed from a St. Bernard.
	They're beautiful.
	And their one dog.
	And I guess these dogs, it's the thing with these dogs, they love to eat socks.
	And even when you're that big, socks are a real problem.
	So their one dog ate a big sock and they brought it to the vet.
	And vet was like, yeah, he's going to need an operation.
	I'm like, what?
	So it's going to be an operation to take it out.
	And it's going to be $8,000.
	Our friends are like, oh, yeah.
	My God.
	So they paid it.
	We love our animals.
	They paid it.
	And a couple months later, he did it again.
	Oh, my God.
	So the husband looks at the wife.
	He goes, so like the dog's totaled, right?
	He's total.
	That's did they just kill the dog?
	No, of course not.
	They wound up paying another $8,000.
	And now no one in their family can wear socks.
	What about, like, what is the price?
	Because there must be a price where you wouldn't save your dogs.
	I think about that.
	There definitely is.
	I don't know.
	I don't know what the answer is.
	I don't, you know, I had a biter.
	This dog bit 17 people and I didn't have the heart to put him down.
	I couldn't do it.
	So I gave him to my sister.
	God bless my sister.
	She took him.
	But so I just, I don't think I could ever like put the dog down because of his.
	Well, what if it was like 50, what if it was like all of your money and you'd be homeless?
	Would you?
	There's always a different solution.
	Come, I mean, like, why, how could that be the only option?
	This is in my scenario, in my fun scenario, you have to choose.
	I mean, the dog's probably got, let's say the dog has like three years left and it's like $30 million.
	All right.
	Well, then Doug has to do it.
	Okay.
	Could someone else do it?
	Or Abby.
	Yeah.
	There was a dog who attacked me when I was younger.
	I was going to see its puppies.
	Oh, it's its siblings' puppies.
	It was like a mother and there was like a brother and then she had a new litter.
	And I walked with my friends.
	And then suddenly my two friends in front of me, they split like that.
	They both ran and I looked and there's a dog in my English pointer with its mouth open.
	And I put my arm up, you know, to protect my face.
	And it just clamped on and just was like shaking and like tore like my arm here.
	I'm fine.
	But I was like 12 and I was in shock.
	And then the owner was like, give him a treat so he knows you're friendly, which is insane.
	And so I was trembling and I gave the dog like a treat and I was like, and then the dog disappeared.
	I don't know what happened, but my father was a lawyer.
	And I think it's like something went on.
	Don't ask.
	It was gone.
	I didn't ask.
	That's the thing.
	Like my parents, we had a biter when I was growing up.
	Bozo was his name.
	And he went to the farm.
	And I literally, I think I was 30 by the time I realized there was no farm.
	That was a lie.
	Yes.
	The farm.
	My father, I'm making my father look awful, but we were in the Dominican Republic and on vacation.
	And my parents wanted us to see, like, there's people that are like very impoverished and you have a very lucky, you know, they were trying to show us.
	And so we were in a rental car and there was a dog ahead of us running in circles, like kind of around its owner.
	And my dad just didn't see that that was happening.
	And he thought the dog was running out into the road.
	So he tried to swerve around the dog, like this way.
	But the dog was like doing a circle and he just hit the dog.
	And then we just kept on going because it was like a dangerous neighborhood.
	Oh, God.
	And like no one, we just didn't speak in the car at all.
	And it was his birthday the next day.
	My mother wrote Dog Killer.
	Happy birthday, Dog Killer.
	It's a hit and run.
	It's a hit and run.
	And your dad is named Joe Biden.
	And that man is Joe Biden.
	Come on, man.
	Yes.
	I'm sorry, but the stuff with like our leaders and their dogs, it's weird.
	Like, why did Joe Biden, like the German Shepherd suddenly was gone?
	It was like, it was kind of.
	Oh, is that right?
	Remember?
	Yeah, the dog was problematic.
	It was like, it had bitten some people and suddenly it was gone.
	Then they had a new one.
	It was like, what happened to the old one?
	Champ?
	I can't remember his name.
	And what about Mitt Romney putting his dog in the crate on the top of his car for long?
	Oh, that's right.
	On the highway road trips.
	And he's like, the dog liked it.
	Challenge.
	Yeah, they always have to have like a pet that's part of the, like, the family, the president family?
	Is that called?
	I think it's a tell.
	Like, people who don't treat their dogs well.
	And for the record, I do treat Stradwick well.
	I only joke about the one flew over the Cooper's nest.
	Really nice.
	Exactly.
	But I just, I'm not a good trainer.
	That's obvious.
	But there's something wrong with people who don't treat their dogs right.
	Like they're the other dogs.
	I don't like ants.
	They don't like, I don't like dogs.
	I go, uh-oh.
	Makes me nervous.
	Then I can't like you.
	There is somehow, I've dated girls that have big dogs, and I don't like that.
	Why?
	To be honest.
	Why?
	Because if they have the dog in bed with them, it's like the three of us in the bed.
	And it's like the dog has like balls.
	And I'm sorry.
	Oh, no, that's me.
	I have to pay the dollar for bad links.
	Oh, sorry.
	Not you.
	Like, there's like a giant other dude in the bed.
	Do you know what I mean?
	No, that's not.
	No, I don't.
	It's a dog.
	Yeah, you do.
	Yeah, you do.
	But those big dogs, like, there's another guy there.
	I don't know.
	Maybe I'm wrong.
	I could be wrong.
	So here's an inappropriate question.
	Unlike all the other ones I've asked.
	Yeah.
	What about like having action when the dog's in the room?
	Yeah, no, yeah, that's not good.
	No.
	Well, like, have you done it?
	I mean, it's been a long time.
	Is it on your mind?
	Like, you shouldn't be seeing this.
	Yes.
	Some dogs, if they're not, some might get involved.
	Like, my dog cannot be in the room because she wants to be part of it.
	And so she has to be locked up.
	So there's a lot of barking.
	So what if I'm really making myself look good?
	You would, you would, you might be on the, you might get a letter.
	You might be, quote, queer and deserve a letter for that.
	There's got to be some new letter for that.
	I would love to get a letter.
	Oh my God.
	I mean, half of the country wants one.
	I don't understand it.
	I think they're glommers.
	It's like there's the original LGBTQ, and now it's like, I'm two spirit, I'm tree spirit, I'm moon spirit.
	No, you're not.
	That's a lie.
	You're a glommer.
	It is amazing how it never, it's sort of like we put people in categories.
	So we can bunch people in like folders on your computer on the desktop.
	And then once it started, like you can open that folder, it just, it's like those Russian dolls where it's like, well, you can just keep defining people.
	Everybody's completely everybody's an individual.
	You can go as deep as you want and have everyone have their own thing.
	It's so true.
	Wait, when we come back, I'm going to squeeze in a break.
	When we come back, I got to ask my team to pull that Justin Trudeau soundbite that we all love so much where he tries to list all the latest letters.
	And even Justin Trudeau can't do it.
	It's actually a very amusing standby, Kyle.
	I'll pay a bill.
	And more with comedian Kyle Dunnegan right after this.
	Don't go away.
	FIKEN er et superenkelt regnskapsprogram for bedrifter.
	Men visste du at du også kan starte din egen bedrift med FIKEN?
	Gjør som tusenvis av andre og registrerer AS og enkelpersonforetak trygt og enkelt ved å fylle et skjema på FIKEN.no.
	Vi hjelper deg hele veien til ferdig registrert bedrift.
	Du trenger ikke være kunde av FIKEN fra før, og velger helt selv om du vil bruke regnskapsprogrammet vårt etterpå.
	Tjenesten koster heller ingenting ekstra.
	FIKEN, start din egen bedrift.
	Superenkelt.
	Okay, wait, can we play the Justin Trudeau soundbite of him trying to say all the letters because it's too delicious not to run as often as possible.
	Here it is.
	I will never apologize for standing up for an LGBT LGT LGT LGBTQ2 kids rights to not have to undergo conversion therapy.
	Oh my God.
	That is, I've not seen that.
	That's pretty good.
	Isn't it amazing?
	It's one of my absolute favorites.
Fighting for Kids Rights Today 00:04:29
	There's more too.
	Like, he didn't even get through half of them.
	No, when I was saying, like, tree spirit, moon spirit, that's actually a thing.
	I don't, I only know, or moon gender, and tree gender.
	I only know what my gender is when the moon comes out.
	That's really interesting.
	Have you ever tried to think about like, maybe I'm something else and thought about like, maybe I'm a tree?
	Do you ever open yourself up to that?
	No, no.
	I'm pretty linear in my approach to most issues.
	And you know, the thing, it bothers me because they dangle it now in front of these kids like it's an option.
	Like maybe you're, maybe you're a tree.
	You know, you might.
	This is what I think about like when I was a kid, if someone was like, you know, you could be whatever.
	I'd be like, oh, maybe, yeah, maybe, maybe I am like a matchbox car.
	I don't know.
	Give it some thought.
	Well, now just today, no, is it Wednesday?
	I think HHS just announced that, you know, this big push to sort of recognize, you know, that some kids are trans, which is true.
	But they're, they're looking to fund so-called top surgery.
	And I love that they call it top surgery.
	Like it's just this like sort of fun thing that you do on top.
	Yay.
	I love to be on top.
	Sure.
	You know, but they're talking about double mastectomy for young girls or breast implants for young boys, which I have to tell you, knowing a lot of women who have had double mastectomies, usually they get it because they have that, the gene, you know, the gene that makes it very likely you're going to get breast cancer.
	It is traumatic.
	It is not an easy surgery.
	And like to just, oh, top surgery.
	No, no, no.
	It's very difficult with a lot of side effects.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's major, major surgery.
	And I think about like when I was younger, you know, it's, you kind of, you're trying to find yourself and you're, you want attention.
	I was talking about myself, but like, you know, I want attention.
	And the most boring thing is to be a straight white male.
	And I'd probably be like, gosh, let me try to figure something else out.
	I might, I might think that.
	And from New England.
	I mean, it's like, and oh, so boring.
	I'm raising two of those right now.
	I understand.
	I'm married to another.
	Is there any, there's no more boring state than Connecticut.
	It's trees and like no sports team.
	And you better get to New York as soon as possible.
	Well, they're big into ice hockey, very big into ice hockey.
	Meanwhile, my kids have been living in New York City for the first 10, 12 years of their lives.
	Now we can't even ice skate.
	Never mind.
	Play ice hockey.
	It's hard.
	I think ice skating is the hardest thing to do.
	I'm terrible at that.
	We grew up in, I grew up in Weston, which is right.
	My mother's in Westport now.
	She grew up, she's back in the house she grew up in.
	Oh, nice.
	Westport's really nice.
	It's just, it's just such a nice thing, but there's just nothing there for a child.
	So I will tell you, I love it.
	I like, we left Manhattan in September and I have not looked back even a little.
	I grew up in upstate New York, right?
	So that's like, I'm sure, you know, where you grew up in Connecticut.
	And what I love about it, I love driving my kids to school.
	I love looking out the window and seeing the trees.
	I love seeing these pretty houses and people out there working on their lawns.
	You know, that just, it makes me happy.
	I love seeing kids lined up for the bus stop.
	I love being able to go to the grocery store and park my car without any stress and then go inside.
	And it's not like a game of chicken.
	You know, when you go down the aisle, like it's a fat aisle and I have a fat cart and I can fill it with as much as I want.
	And then I can put it in my car in a, in a, you know, parking lot as opposed to like trying to hail a cab on Broadway while it's raining and you can't hold your umbrella and your grocery bags and your arms are burning.
	I don't miss that at all.
	No, you got it.
	Those are good points.
	I'm, like I said, looking to move and I keep imagining.
	Here's the thing, put up for a single guy in Connecticut because it's just so much family.
	I imagine like it might be lonely for me to just be there and see all these families.
	And then well, I mean, I think you need to be near a metropolis, right?
	Like it would be nice to be near a big city so you could like scratch that itch and get out and, you know, the bar restaurant scene in Manhattan is second to none.
	That would be good for somebody who's near 20 minutes near or near like an hour and 20 minutes.
	No, like 40, 50.
	That would, that'd probably be.
	But I mean, you're my age, aren't you?
	51?
	Yeah, I'm 50.
	Yeah, so you shouldn't be meeting your wife there anyway.
	You should be a lot younger than you.
	I'm months younger than you.
	Wait a minute.
	What month were you born in?
	May.
	Wait a minute.
	You are, I am younger than you.
	Are you born in 1970?
	71.
Dating in Connecticut Without Neighbors 00:15:14
	Oh, shit.
	Yeah.
	Oh, a dollar.
	When's your birthday?
	November 18th, 1970.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Damn.
	Good year.
	I'm nine years, nine months older than my husband, too.
	Man, he rubs it in whenever he can.
	But anyway, yeah, I think when you're 51, you got to be set up.
	You got to like, I think even Danny might have a thing, although she's much younger than you are.
	She hates my hair.
	She hates it.
	Yeah, I really do think about I've got to settle down.
	I got to get my life in order.
	It's, I don't know what happened.
	I feel like I was in a coma for 20 years.
	You know, those people and they wake up and they go, oh, it's 2022.
	And they're like, what?
	Yeah.
	That's what I feel like.
	I don't know.
	Time, my life flew by so fast.
	No, I can relate.
	And can I tell you?
	I look around now and it's like, I used to say, you know, you're old when all the NFL football players are younger than you.
	Like that for me was the moment where I'm like, oh my God, I'm older than every single one of those guys.
	My mom used to say it's when Mr. Rogers starts to look hot.
	Has that happened to you yet?
	No, but I did cross over from looking at Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie from like, oh, that's like he's like a dad to, oh, he's hot.
	He looks good.
	Where are the ones with his shirt off?
	Yeah, I like that Mary on that show, but she was blind.
	I can't see.
	Pa, Pa.
	That was my favorite episode.
	I'm getting LASIC next week.
	I'm worried I might become LASIK.
	You are.
	Yes.
	I am so scared to get late.
	I know everyone, it's very safe.
	I don't want to scare you, but like the only thing I heard about laser beams before LASIC surgery was don't look at a laser beam.
	And now they're just going to fire it right into your eyeball, right?
	Isn't that what they do?
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	This doctor was like, he performs them right in his office.
	So when I had my consult, he's like, would you like me to watch me do one now?
	Absolutely not.
	I just want to pretend it's not even happening until I sit there and then it happens.
	And then I recently found out that you have either bloodshot or bloody eyes for maybe weeks thereafter.
	So I may be pulling a Ray Charles on this set starting next week.
	Do you have to look at it while it's happening or do you knocked out?
	They offered like a Valium.
	I don't know what they offer.
	They said they will offer you some sort of, you know, chill out kind of drug beforehand.
	So I don't know that I'm going to need that, but you're going to see like, okay, you're going to see it like happening.
	I'd rather not think about it, Kyle.
	Let's not get into this.
	Sorry, I mean, it's safe.
	Who's the first guy, though, to do that?
	There must have been a first guy that never tried it before.
	And we tried it on a mouse and we think he could see better.
	Had to be an ophthalmologist, right?
	Had to be one guy practicing it on another.
	The same way, like, who's the first person to do a perm on her hair?
	Like, that's scary to me.
	That's lower stakes, though.
	You think than burning your eyeball with a laser beam.
	I'm talking to a man who doesn't even own a brush.
	This, I should not be getting your opinion.
	I shouldn't have told you that because now you don't respect me.
	I could feel it the whole interview because there's been no respect and I told you about my hair.
	I'm more concerned that we have the same glasses now that I know that you don't care at all about these are women's, these are women's glasses.
	You're safe.
	I get, I get, I, I'm not joking.
	I've bought, I go packed on Amazon.
	They're like $3 a pair.
	And I think I bought 40 or 50 of these and I just keep losing them and they're just all around my house.
	Some are broken.
	I just don't like to ever not be able to grab glasses.
	So I just put them everywhere.
	So those are readers.
	Yeah.
	See, mine are for distance.
	I haven't lost the up close stuff yet.
	But yeah, it's all getting taken care of next week.
	So now, listen, speaking of your love life, you did have two very famous girlfriends, Sarah Silverman and Amy Schumer, not at the same time.
	Well, no, is it not true?
	It was at the same time.
	No, Amy, I didn't, she was never my girlfriend.
	Sarah dated for a couple years, but Amy, we we were friendly.
	This is years and years ago, by the way.
	Now, I heard you on Howard's show saying she was your ex because you were living with Amy Schumer and her then current husband.
	And he was giving you jazz for like being the ex-boyfriend who wouldn't leave.
	This has gotten all out of control.
	That's like my top Google now.
	And what happened was this is a long story, but we had a little bit of a falling out.
	You know, we don't agree on everything, but we were friendly years ago.
	And then we had like a falling out.
	And then she asked me to write for her show.
	And I was like, I can't go to New York.
	It's like really expensive.
	I got a mortgage here.
	And she's like, just stay with us.
	She has a top floor to a whole building that she has.
	And so you don't really like in her.
	It's not like in a place.
	Like, you know what I mean?
	Like there's a elevator and a thing.
	It's like totally.
	Anyway, it sounds like I was in like some apartment with them.
	And it was to write for her show.
	We were never boyfriend and girlfriend.
	And it was such a short, nothing thing.
	And now anyway.
	All right.
	Did you or did you not have relations with Amy Schumer?
	I mean, a long time ago.
	So yes, you were.
	There was something.
	So there was.
	There was a hookup, but it was like, I don't even want to get into it.
	I don't even want to get into it.
	I don't blame you.
	It's none of my business.
	So my point is, I have an interesting question for you because top Google, by the way.
	I know, I know some people who have dated some very famous women in particular.
	And I think it's hard for some guys after dating super famous or rich women to like find someone after that.
	Because I don't know why.
	Maybe you always want somebody who's famous.
	Maybe you want somebody with a big career.
	Maybe you want somebody who's got a lot of dough, who attracts a lot of attention.
	That may or may not be the case for you, but do you, is that a factor in your life?
	Well, I don't think so.
	I had problems before them.
	So I don't think it was after that.
	With Sarah, it, you know, we barely, we didn't see each other that much.
	Like every four days, we'd see each other.
	It was, we're both really independent people.
	And so I've always just been like pretty independent.
	And I think it's tough for a woman to get into my life and feel I'm aware of this now.
	So I think I, my next relationship, I'm going to, I'm going to be better at it.
	But I think I, you know, work too much and don't didn't pay enough attention to the girls I was dating.
	I wasn't like a good boyfriend.
	I wasn't a cheater, but I wasn't like a good.
	Okay, but I will submit without knowing anything, you would have paid more attention and been a better boyfriend if you had been more into them.
	I mean, this is possible.
	This is possible.
	That's true, actually.
	I did.
	There were girls I paid a lot of attention to, and they wanted nothing to do with me.
	So I do have that capability.
	Danny, are you listening?
	No, but that's the thing.
	It's like, you know, that movie, he's just not that into you.
	I mean, that really is a truism.
	Like if the guy's into you, you don't have to, you don't have to beg him to call you.
	You don't have to worry about him asking you out.
	He will call.
	It is in the male nature to pursue.
	And I think it's in the female nature to be pursued.
	And we both like being in those roles.
	And if your instincts are not telling you to do that, this is not the right person for you.
	But the ones that I do and I have pursued, there is something that's turning.
	I'm doing something wrong is turning them off.
	Well, like what?
	Walk me through it.
	What are your steps?
	I just constantly call and then I call crying.
	No, I think I'm being cool and I try to be cool.
	Maybe that's the problem.
	I'm trying to be too cool.
	Well, do you wait for a signal before you initiate the calls?
	Like they're, you know, the woman sort of lays the trap, and then you're supposed to fall into it and then keep chasing and chasing.
	I thought, I'm thinking of this one girl that I liked, and it was a long process.
	And we finally kind of went out and we hooked up.
	And then I don't know.
	It just like fell apart.
	I don't know what.
	Well, were you needy?
	Needy is bad.
	Remember that live broadcast news with Albert Brooks?
	Like, wouldn't it be great if, how does he say it?
	Like, if desperation and insecurity made us more attractive if needy were a turn on.
	She ended up dating like a famous person.
	I think actually that's what happened.
	She, a famous, good-looking famous guy approached her.
	And then I was.
	Well, that's another thing you need to worry about, right?
	You don't want the star effer.
	Forgive me.
	No, I got to get out of that.
	You don't owe me a dollar for that one.
	I had to, I have to get out of LA probably.
	It's probably not a great dating scene because I do feel like there is a like, I said, like, damn it.
	We're going to owe each other.
	Well, let's make a big donation to charity at the end of the show.
	I know.
	Abby's going to keep a tally.
	There's this, this is not the right dating scene.
	Everyone's trying to like, it feels like a lot of people are trying to right.
	Well, I've been settled.
	Everyone's trying to get to another place and they're like, can you help?
	I've been to LA many times and I've been to a lot of these big events.
	And it is so disgusting how so many of the people in the entertainment industry will be talking to you and will literally do the thing you see in the movies of like looking over your shoulder for the for like the next best or more interesting or more famous person to talk to.
	It's so gross yeah yeah so yeah, not a place you're gonna find your, your future wife, but where else do you have?
	I was, basically.
	I was on a date where I was, I was sitting across from her at this dinner and she's on her phone just like for a long time.
	So I took a picture of her on her phone and I texted it to her, you know, thinking that she would laugh and go like, oh sorry, I had this important thing.
	But she just looked at the picture, was like oh, I do look cute.
	She thought I was being like look, how cute you are.
	And I was like I gotta get out of here, peace out.
	I'll be a confirmed bachelor before I live with someone like that.
	Yeah, I don't blame you.
	There are a million women who would love to be with you, Kyle.
	It's just a question of you know, keeping your standards high.
	And then definitely don't be needy.
	Nobody wants that in a man or a woman.
	I mean, women forget that too.
	Women forget that too.
	Like, is this not your?
	Now that you finally had sex with a person, this is not your opportunity to tell them all the things that are wrong with you and the ways in which you expect him to fix you?
	He's gonna run.
	Yes yes, I.
	I don't think I come off needy.
	I think um, if anything, i'm too aloof.
	Oh no, aloof is good.
	No, I don't accept that I. Aloof is hot for, maybe for a little bit, but then like, when you're in a relationship, then you gotta dial in a little bit.
	True, you have to just with her here or there.
	You gotta let the guard down and let her know like you really want her and you think she's amazing and you know you might want a future with her, and then go back to aloof, Yeah, do you think marriage?
	I mean, you're married.
	Do you think I don't know if marriage is for everyone, though?
	I don't think, I don't think it is either.
	I mean, I know that you do a great Bill Maher impression, but I had this discussion with Bill Maher where I was on his show.
	Okay.
	Oh, Megan, let's talk about it.
	Okay.
	It's amazing.
	New rule.
	No more swearing on your show.
	Okay.
	I had a conversation with him backstage at a show where I was saying, I disagree with your philosophy on love.
	I know you think the cost of love is lust.
	That's not true.
	I think if you found the right woman, and he was basically like, you're an insane person.
	You don't know me at all.
	S-T-F-U.
	He, I've heard no good stories about every story about Bill Maher is funny.
	I met him too.
	And yeah.
	And what did he say to you?
	He really aggressively ignored me.
	I was, we went to Hawaii.
	This is, and he invited Sarah onto his plane plane.
	We had missed our flight.
	And then I, I mean, on in his defense, like, I'm sure he didn't want me there.
	He wanted Sarah there.
	And I was like, this barnacle.
	But he just took, I would try to be in the conversation.
	His back would just bump me out of the circle kind of stuff.
	So rude.
	Were you doing the Bill Maher impression prior to that exchange?
	You know what?
	No, I was just, and Sarah even said, he's not being nice to you, is he?
	And I was like, no.
	And then I kind of clocked his voice.
	And I was like, I'm, I, I, I honestly, like, you rarely get someone back in life.
	And I feel bad the amount that he's had to see.
	People come up to him all the time.
	I've had people, and also on, he was on Joe Rogan.
	He brought me up out of nowhere because it bothers me.
	He hates my impression.
	He hates it.
	Yeah.
	And he out of nowhere on Joe Rogan, he goes, and this guy doing a terrible impression of me, blah, blah.
	And Joe was like, no, it's a good impression.
	Play it.
	And then he goes, if you play that, I'm leaving.
	Really?
	Really mad about it.
	Yeah.
	And I was in Whole Foods the other day and this woman came up to me and she's like, I was on a private plane.
	I'm a stewardess.
	And I went to Bill Maher and I said, Do you know Kyle Donegan?
	He does a really good impression of you.
	And she said he turned away from her and then she was told not to talk to Bill Maher for the rest of the flight.
	No way.
	I'm shocked by that.
	And the thing is, when I first did it, it really wasn't mean to him.
	It was like Bill Maher reading to children.
	Like, Harry, let's hear it.
	What was the stories?
	I'm trying to have one child.
	I remember.
	I've done my homework, green eggs, and ham.
	Green eggs and ham.
	I do not like them.
	Okay.
	And it's like, should you really be eating eggs that are green?
	That kind of thing.
	Hilarious.
	But anyway, it was just pretty mild.
	And then once he went on Joe Rogan, I was like, you know, and I felt a little bit more free.
	And then the next video I did was not probably, I probably shouldn't have, I probably went a little too far.
	It was like a Bill Maher gangbang.
	But anyway, I feel I'm not mad at him.
	I feel like I've gotten back.
	I feel like I was being petty and everything's fine.
	Oh, well, I've listened to it.
	I listened to you on Corolla and it was brilliant.
	And I would say that my only guess as to why he's offended is there's like a slight gay lilt to your Bill Maher.
	Oh, is that what it is?
	Okay, people.
	Let's get fabulous.
	Here's my Bill Maher face.
	What do you think, Bill is?
	Oh, cool.
	Oh, you could, people got to watch this on YouTube later.
	He's changed his face to look like Bill Maher.
	Bill, why haven't you gotten married in all these years?
	Because I can't love.
	My heart is black like coal.
	Okay, let's move on.
	This face swap looks like a potato.
	I couldn't find a good one.
	I have to, I build these face swaps.
	It's so weird.
Bill Maher Face Swap Mishaps 00:02:02
	So, what part of the person's face do you put on your face?
	You have to get a straight-on shot with no shadows and them not smiling.
	That's the key to it.
	So, you take not just their eyes, but their lips too?
	Yeah, you take just a picture of them, and that you bring into this program, and it sort of does a face mask.
	It's like we're going to do these starting at the top of the hour because we've got to see these because some of them are crazy good, like they're disturbingly accurate.
	Who's your fave?
	Um, geez, I like doing Jeff Goldblum.
	He's a fun, he talks in a fun way.
	Most people have a vocal range of like four notes, and he's just like an octave and a half the way he talks.
	You're so busy worrying about whether you could, he didn't stop to think about whether or not you should.
	What's that from?
	Jurassic Park.
	Oh, you sounded nothing like that.
	No, I wasn't even trying.
	I can't do it.
	I cannot do imitations.
	You know, but some people have that gift.
	I have a friend, Joelle, who's very good.
	She doesn't do like the voices, but she's got the mannerisms down perfectly.
	She nails it.
	She does the, I don't know, she just gets in your face and you can see like the person come alive thanks to the mannerisms.
	You've got that.
	And the voice, I don't know how you must have this gifted voice that can go any octave and the ear, the ear to translate, you know, how it's supposed to sound.
	Yeah, I think there's a couple.
	You have to have hear pitches, have like relative pitch.
	And then also, I have a weird thing, but I have a really long neck and I can move my vocal box.
	Like, this is a quick story, but I was having this a crazy turn, but I swear I'll get back to this point.
	I was having a dream.
	I was twisting a giant Coke bottle cap off, like a six-foot Cokebott cap, and I woke up with my hands around my neck in agonizing pain.
	I was like twisting my own head.
Waking Up with a Twisted Neck 00:03:16
	We'll get into that later.
	But I went to the doctor and I took an x-ray, and he was looking at the x-ray and rubbing his chin, which is terrifying to see a doctor look at your bones and be like, what?
	And then he called my doc, and he was like, Mark, and this other guy, and they're both like mumbling.
	And I go, What is it?
	Thinking he I was dead, you know.
	And he goes, You have the neck of a seven-foot man.
	Anyway, so weird.
	I understand your feeling.
	I remember being in the Hamptons and seeing a doctor, and he said, I'm concerned.
	I'm concerned about like some mole.
	I'm like, You're using the C word?
	Don't use a C word.
	Yeah.
	Well, I'm glad.
	Did you get it removed?
	I did.
	I'm Irish, so I'm constantly getting these, you know, freckles or moles or whatever looked at or removed.
	It's a never-ending battle.
	My doctor told me I have an excellent chance of dying from skin cancer.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, I had one removed.
	Yeah, I'm Irish, half-Irish, and we can't go out in the sun.
	I don't know how we didn't evolve or we couldn't be in the sun.
	I guess we had that cloud over our island.
	Of all things, and it's all over you.
	You know, your skin.
	It's everywhere.
	Hopefully.
	All right.
	So this is a good tea.
	So, right when we come back, I'm going to ask him to do that Jeff Goldblum impression and many, many more.
	We'll do some characters, and you will not be sorry you heard this, Kyle Dunnagan, and more with him right after this.
	And by the way, folks, you can watch this.
	You can watch it on video.
	You can find our full video shows and clips by subscribing to our YouTube channel, youtube.com/slash Megan Kelly.
	And I've got some thoughts for you on that in one second.
	Okay, an update for you.
	We're going to have more with Kyle Dunne after this, but I just wanted to take a minute and say this to you before we bring Kyle back.
	On Monday, when we got back from what was a vacation for me, I offered the story about what happened to my eight-year-old Thatcher while we were on vacation in Montana.
	He fell hiking on a ski mountain on a ski run, taking, quote, a break, and injured his spleen very badly.
	So I posted this on YouTube.
	I did it on, I talked about it on the show, and we posted it on YouTube, and it's got an overwhelming response.
	I've seen it in the Apple comments, which I do read all of.
	I read them every morning.
	So I've read you guys today, and I read a lot of the comments on YouTube.
	And I've been so moved by the parents on there who have shared their own families' stories about scares with their children, even the loss of their children, and relating on some of the stuff we discussed on Monday about, you know, the enormous parental responsibility you feel and the vulnerability and, you know, just what a scary situation it can be when things start to spiral out of control and you know there's a limit to your parental powers.
	Anyway, thank you so much for the outpouring of love and support and comments and the views and the subscriptions too.
	That's awesome.
	And God bless all of you.
	All right, we'll be right back with Kyle.
	Kyle, all right, we promised Jeff Goldblum.
Will Smith Slapping Chris Rock Back 00:02:51
	What does Jeff Goldblum think of what happened with Will Smith at the Oscars this week?
	Yes, yes, yes, yes.
	Nice to be here with you, Megan Kelly.
	If you were a dinosaur, you would be the gorgeous ex.
	Let's see.
	Let's see.
	Will Smith.
	Yes, Will.
	Will Smith.
	The slap heard around the world.
	Yes, yes, yes.
	But we have to remember, Chris told a joke about his wife, yes, saying that she is gorgeous and looks like another gorgeous actress.
	That's a bridge too far, yes.
	Well, you know, Jeff, you may not be aware of the latest headlines on this, just to get you up to speed.
	Apparently, the Academy Award team actually did tell him to leave the studio that night, the arena, whatever it was where they were watching the Oscars.
	They went and told him you should step out, and he refused.
	And there were plans, apparently were discussions of plans to physically remove Will Smith from the venue.
	And they, I guess, decided not to create a situation, make a bad situation worse by creating a scene.
	Should they have ejected him?
	Yes, wonderful security.
	They're at the Oscars.
	We can trust them to keep us safe, obviously.
	I don't know that Chris Rock feels that way.
	Not at all.
	No.
	The LAPD was prepared to arrest Will Smith.
	They actually apparently said, this is all according to an Oscars producer named Will Packer, who spoke on GMA, that they were telling him, this is battery.
	That was the word they used in the moment he said.
	And they said, we'll go get him.
	We're prepared.
	We're prepared to get him right now.
	If you want to press charges, we will arrest him.
	Chris Rock said, no, I'm fine.
	No, no.
	And he also told his audience, one of whom cursed out at a live comedy event this past weekend, calling Will Smith a name, saying F Will Smith.
	Rock said, no, He shut that down.
	What do you make of it?
	Yes.
	Well, Chris Rock is a classic, I would say, because I would probably have not only slapped back, but I would have probably sued the fresh Prince of Bel Air.
	This is so good.
	Sorry, this is weird.
	No, it's amazing, and it's so good.
	All right, so I like to call.
	This is like speaking to one of those, like, you know, people, there's mediums.
	If you could just call up, if you could call up Kim Kardashian now.
	Yes, we can call up Michael looking with Kim.
Calling Kim Kardashian from the Ether 00:15:26
	Hold on a second, Megan.
	My children.
	Oh, my God.
	Yeah, this is my Kim face.
	Y'all.
	Oh, it's good.
	Well, I wonder if Kim is, you know, how are you feeling, Kim?
	Because they took a shot at you.
	Here's what happened for the audience.
	She gave an interview to Vanity Fair in which she said, I've got advice for people who want to be successful, women who want to be successful.
	She said, get your effing A up and work.
	And yeah.
	Yeah, you have to work harder.
	Like Megan, you should work harder.
	It would be great if I could be born to a momager who wanted to leverage her fame to make me have millions too.
	Yeah, well, why don't you have a makeup line?
	You don't do enough.
	All girls should work.
	Like I work.
	When I go to the makeup company, I point to the color I like and then they put my name on it.
	It's hard.
	It's not easy to make those decisions.
	Yeah, baby.
	Oh, God.
	That's Caitlin.
	This is terrifying.
	Caitlin Jenner, baby.
	Yeah.
	Caitlin, what happened when you saw Lady Gaga outside of that part of the Oscars?
	She snubbed you.
	That's right.
	She wasn't.
	What's wrong with her?
	Yes.
	She was so nasty.
	There's cameras everywhere.
	Just pretend you like me.
	Jesus.
	I was being nice.
	I could have been, you know, I could have been sashy myself.
	I showed clash like Chris Rock, baby.
	Wait, stand by.
	Let's lay soundbite 15 of your awkward exchange with Lady Gaga outside of the Elton John AIDS Foundation's 30th Annual Academy Awards viewing party Sunday night.
	Watch.
	Come on, I know.
	Good seeing you, Caitlin.
	I too.
	Caitlin's saying, I haven't seen you at the Starbucks in a while.
	And Lady Gaga is saying, oh, I changed Baristas and like gives her glare, gives you a glare, Caitlin, and walks away.
	She physically abused me with her words.
	I should have.
	I've got a lawsuit there.
	You think so?
	I really do.
	It's one of the segments you could discuss in your new gig as a contributor on Fox News.
	Are you excited about that?
	Oh, my God.
	I'm so excited.
	Oh, my.
	How was it?
	It's wonderful working over there, isn't it?
	Yeah.
	Well, it's got its pluses and a few minuses.
	Oh, I doubt that highly.
	I hope everyone doesn't try to fuck me, though.
	That's what I'm worried about.
	You know, all the girls jealous of Caitlin.
	I think you're safe.
	I'm going to go out in a limb.
	You're just being nice.
	I'm in danger, baby.
	I'll wear like, you know, I won't wear any low-cut stuff.
	You know, I'll dress clashy.
	Well, they'll like that.
	I mean, I think they'll encourage you to wear it.
	You know, they like bright colors at Fox.
	Can you do bright colors?
	I'm not going to tolerate for this black sweatshirt stuff.
	Oh, yeah.
	I'm going to be the best dressed person there.
	Absolutely.
	Excellent.
	I mean, we all know that.
	Who are you most looking forward to being interviewed by?
	Is the Pope still alive?
	I tell you, the Pope.
	He's the closest one to God, baby.
	Have you got a lot of requests from the Vatican?
	I mean, I'm assuming they're not going to look needy, but I'm sure they want me to talk to them.
	Well, look, if it doesn't work out, if you do a big gig over there and it doesn't work out, perhaps you'll be in the running for the next White House press secretary role.
	And then you could do the reverse of what most of them do, which is they're White House press secretary.
	And what they're really trying to do is get a job working in cable news, like we just heard about.
	Jen Saki, who's leaving the White House in the spring to host a show on MSNBC.
	Jenshaki.
	She's obsessed with me.
	Is she?
	Fascinating.
	And shocking.
	What's your evidence of that?
	It's just like the vibe she gives off, you know.
	She's trying to be, she's trying to just have that sort of, you know, classy, sassy lady thing in the market that I've covered.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that is baloney.
	Well, I don't like Shocky.
	Speaking of Saki, Shocky, speaking of her, is her boss, Joe Biden, available because I've got, he won't give me an interview, but I have reason to believe he's going to come today and I can ask him my tough questions.
	Let me see if I can find him here.
	There's a lot to go over.
	She's here.
	Joe.
	Oh, my God.
	Hey.
	Hey, look who it is.
	Kelly Megan, man.
	How are you?
	Sorry, I wasn't able to set up an interview with you earlier.
	I'm great.
	You're a classy lady.
	No, you're very sweet.
	Can I ask you about the war with Ukraine and ask you whether you believe the latest Russian representations that they're actually doing some sort of a withdrawal?
	Because today, the NATO Secretary General suggested those were lies.
	Yeah, man, it's a Zarcrane, man.
	I told him that.
	Vladimir Pukin is not Pukin.
	The guy, the guy without the shirt, man, he's a bad dude.
	He's a liar, man.
	Not to be trusted.
	So I don't believe a word that guy says.
	He's like corn pop.
	Some guys in the world, man.
	You just can't.
	Can't trust him, man.
	Hey, hey, did you share my pants or did I?
	What's going on here?
	What happened?
	Kegan Melly, the classiest gal in the news.
	I think.
	Mr. President, what happened when you seemed to call for regime change earlier this week, something that is not U.S. policy and actually could place other world leaders, including men like yourself, in danger?
	Why'd you do that?
	Huh?
	What did I do?
	You said it.
	You said it, pal.
	I didn't say nothing about that.
	My boy Hunt has lost his job over there in the crane.
	He had a great, nice, cushy job there working for $80,000 a week.
	This guy blew it all.
	Blew it all for self-centered reasons.
	Who?
	Hunter blew it all?
	Hunter?
	No, no.
	Pluton, man, Pluto blew it for my boy.
	Well, you know the thing?
	The guy.
	Yeah, it's a problem.
	Yeah, I'm sure Hunter was very upset about that.
	I mean, you know, did you step in?
	Because the reports are that when you got that one prosecutor file, got him fired over there in the Ukraine.
	You did that not to clean up corruption, but to get him off of Burisma, the company that was paying Hunter 50 grand a month.
	Is that true?
	Yeah, man.
	Let me tell you something.
	I love my boy.
	My boy Hunty.
	I'd do anything for that little bugger.
	Yes, he's had a few problems, but he's highly qualified to sit on the board of petroleum over there in Ukraine.
	Highly qualified.
	How so?
	How specifically?
	What qualifies him?
	Huh?
	Because he's got the knowledge, the know-how to figure out on the fly.
	That's a skill you can't put on a resume.
	With all due respect, I don't feel like I'm getting real answers.
	And so if you wouldn't mind, I'd love to speak to the if one of your handlers could take the microphone and pass it to Kamala Harris.
	I might do better with the vice president since the president has fallen asleep again.
	And Kamala Harris, it'd be wonderful if I could just speak with someone who might actually be in charge.
	And why?
	Is there anybody out there, man?
	What's going on here?
	Oh, hey, just it's trans trump to do a new campaign.
	Okay.
	Trans Trump.
	So stunning.
	So terrific.
	Trans Trump.
	No.
	Look, look, you got to vote for me.
	You got no choice.
	You got to do it.
	You got to do it.
	Look, like Leah Thomas, the greatest swimmer of all time.
	I will be leaving all those fat losers in my wake.
	Trans Trump.
	I have to tell you, Mr. Trump, you know, I know that you prize beauty.
	Used to own and run a beauty contest.
	I'm not sure you'd be winning any of those awards like this.
	Look, Megan Kelly, look at her attacking me again.
	You know, this is so nasty to me.
	I don't know why.
	Look, look, look.
	You're so nasty.
	Nasty woman.
	You're a nasty lady.
	But look, I've always thought you were terrific.
	So terrific.
	And I will continue to support you and follow you on Twitter.
	Excellent.
	How's your new social media adventure going?
	The mainstream media says it's crashing, but you know, I never know whether to believe negative things about you in the mainstream press because I hate you.
	Fake news.
	Okay.
	Fake news.
	Fake news.
	I need a new hair lady.
	What's happening with that hair there, Mr. President?
	Danny, go do it over there.
	Dude, I need a new hair lady.
	Okay.
	So maybe Melania could help you because honestly, she's like, there's one of the most beautiful women in the world.
	She's a pig.
	She's a terrible, terrible person.
	Look, it's all sham.
	We know this.
	Okay.
	We know this.
	It's a shamarit.
	It's not working out.
	But you got to look up, you know, a parent says you got to pretend you love your wife, pretend you love Jesus, the whole thing, the whole shebag.
	In order to become president.
	Exactly.
	For the third and fourth time.
	How many times can I be president?
	At least three times, right?
	Do you think this is going to hurt your chance with sort of the evangelical Christians who may not be entirely behind your transition?
	Look, look, their heads are tired.
	Okay.
	There's nothing they could say.
	It's the perfect plan.
	It's the perfect way.
	There's no way Trans Trump could lose.
	Such a beautiful woman.
	Okay.
	Stunning and terrific.
	And also a brilliant business person.
	How could you not vote?
	You're transphobic if you don't vote Trans Trump.
	Oh, shit.
	For the audience at home.
	You got to get out of here.
	He's wearing the worst wig ever, and his face looks just like Donald Trump's face.
	Well, you've got to go look at this on YouTube later.
	I'm so confused.
	I don't know what's happening.
	You're attracted to Trans Trump, I feel like a little bit.
	I might have a cocktail with her.
	I don't know.
	She was entertaining.
	She thinks I'm terrific.
	That was amazing.
	All right.
	Yes, I do want to, you don't have to do Kamala Harris.
	I can't.
	I don't think I'm allowed to do Kamala Harris.
	I'm going to do Kamala Harris.
	I'm not actually going to do Kamala Harris, but I'm going to play you with soundbite of Kamala Harris and ask you if this woman is in the right job.
	This is her.
	She went to, she was speaking with the prime minister of Jamaica.
	And her dad is from Jamaica.
	So, you know, it should be nice, should be sort of friendly, should be easy because there's a lot of love for her there.
	And yet, you tell me what was going on in this word salad that is Soundbite 18.
	We also recognize just as it has been in the United States for Jamaica, one of the issues that has been presented as an issue that is economic in the way of its impact has been the pandemic.
	So to that end, we are announcing today also that we will assist Jamaica in COVID recovery by assisting in terms of the recovery efforts in Jamaica that have been essential to, I believe, what is necessary to strengthen not only the issue of public health, but also the economy.
	In the words of Archie Bunker, she seems drunk.
	Or there's another clip of her where she talks about the Ukraine.
	I don't know if you've seen it, but she's explaining the war in Ukraine.
	Oh, yeah.
	She says Ukraine is a poor country.
	Yes.
	Russia is bigger.
	And that's not good.
	That one, at least I could understand.
	This one was just, Clay Travis tweeted out something like, she talks like a high school student who has to reach a 20,000 word minimum, right?
	Like just bill, bill.
	Yeah, or like, you have to do a book rapport, an oral book rapport, and just didn't read the book.
	But she's got all the hand movements and the pausing.
	She has the confidence.
	This person shall remain nameless.
	Okay.
	But while I was on Fox News, there was a person there who used to come on as a commentator.
	And this is the kind of stuff that this person would do.
	They'd say, it's inappropriate, it's improper, it's out of line, and it will not be tolerated anymore.
	Lines have been crossed.
	There needs to be a reaction because this was just wrong.
	Again, inappropriate, not tolerable, and the people must stand up.
	Like, absolutely nothing has been said.
	People love this person.
	I used to say to myself, is anyone actually listening?
	There's not even a hook to hang on.
	There's no meat at all to glimmer onto.
	Like they become professional talkers.
	I noticed this on CNN too.
	They'll go, look, when they've completely lost the argument and they have nothing, they go, look.
	They use that word constantly.
	Whenever I heard someone go, look, I just stopped listening and tune out.
	Tune right out.
	I mean, to me, Kamala Harris is just, you know, she's clearly in over her head.
	She was an attorney general.
	I can speak to this.
	I practiced law for 10 years.
	That doesn't make you a politician.
	It doesn't make you a natural leader.
	It makes you know how to litigate cases.
	And those skills don't necessarily translate, but I don't know.
	I was going to say next to Biden, she's looking more competent, but I'm not sure I really believe that.
	That's the plan.
	I know this will never happen, but we should elect our leaders in a completely different way, more like American Idol, where it's like, okay, IQ test, just wean out anyone with an IQ below like 140 or something, really smart people.
	And then have like a moral vetting before they even run.
	This whole thing happens.
	So you get the top human beings that have had, you know, no violence.
	They're very intelligent.
	They're thoughtful.
	They're not, they don't have narcissism, anything.
	They've been completely vetted by psychology.
	And then the top 10 human beings in our country run for office.
	Is that a good idea?
	No.
	No, no.
	We'll be right back.
	No.
	There are all sorts of problems with that, including you need somebody who's like been dumped or done the dumping or, you know, you need real life people who have been out there living amongst the people and the super brainiacs, right?
	The super brainiacs who have never morally misstepped, that's not them.
	But that's the thing.
	There's 10 people who have the whole package.
	They've lived a life.
	Name one.
	They have what you're saying, but they're also very smart.
	I don't know anybody.
	Like, that's the problem.
	But out of 330 million, there's got to be 10.
Why Jeff Bezos Has the Package 00:08:30
	You look at somebody like Jeff Bezos, right?
	And he's incredibly accomplished.
	And not only does you create and run Amazon, but now he's got the whole spaceship.
	It's like, wow, this is amazing.
	And I do love Amazon.
	It's very, very convenient.
	Although I understand the controversy in the mom and pop stores and so on.
	But then, like, his behavior now, like with getting rid of the wife, and now with the younger, you know, hot woman who left her.
	Yes.
	And all the paparazzi engaged photos.
	They're obviously allowing it.
	They like it in their bathing suits, like with this weird tan and his weird.
	I don't know if those are steroid muscles.
	I can't tell, but I think you're into it.
	Like, this is the kind of thing you do when you're into somebody.
	You're trying to play it off, but you're into Jeff Bezos.
	You think he's hot?
	Not hot stuff.
	Even a little.
	Why are you smiling if you're not in love with Jeff Bezos?
	Just the thought of it is amusing to me.
	Although, do you do a Jeff Bezos?
	Because he could use a little gay lilch, too.
	You know, I should do a Jeff Bezos.
	He talks like kind of Kermit, doesn't he?
	Talk like sort of like this.
	Yes.
	Going to outer space with my cowboy hat.
	The cowboy hat outer space outfit was my favorite.
	You did you like it more or less than the shape of his actual rocket?
	That is, they really should have a meeting where they go, look, can we make it not look like a penis?
	Right.
	Because, or is that good for you?
	Got more advertised, got more eyeballs on them.
	No, somebody should have said, we have to keep it at least PG-13.
	Like it's got to, you know, we have to put something on it and not a bunch of round stuff at the bottom.
	It has to be like, we have to add something more angular someplace.
	Is somebody that's a sign when you have too many yes people around you?
	Like someone in the team was like, that looks a lot like a penis, but was afraid to tell him.
	Did you know?
	He's like, it's perfect.
	100% true.
	Well, I'll tell you, the other problem you get if you just go with somebody who's got ostensibly a high IQ and, you know, knows something really well and is ready to talk to us about it is you wind up with the Dr. Fauci's of the world.
	And I was singularly focused on one thing to the exclusion of all the other things that matter.
	Go ahead.
	But I am not saying this was like a series of 20 things.
	One of them is they have to not be, they have to not be stupid.
	I'm not saying just get a person who's completely intellectual and has no life experience.
	I'm just saying we vet the person, the people that run in a psychological way where they have to have some depth and thoughtfulness and they're not self-centered and all these other things.
	And they're also very smart.
	They have a knowledge of history and how wars start and how they don't go well.
	And then you run where I want to see 10 people up there that are the people that I would be, I would say, I don't know anybody in my life that that's better than them to run.
	And I don't see that.
	It would be nice if we could get them there kicking and screaming rather than having spent their whole life trying to audition for the role.
	You know, someone like a George Washington who didn't want the job.
	Yeah.
	Isn't that the problem where to be a politician, you have to lie.
	You have to be a liar to get to the top.
	I mean, if you're not religious, you have to say you love Jesus.
	You have to lie.
	We can't have an atheist in office.
	Yeah.
	We can't have an open one.
	That's for sure.
	Well, I'm going to pick it up with Nancy Pelosi after the break because I don't know if you think she's a liar, but we're going to talk to her because I have breaking news that she's here.
	And Dr. Fauci as well.
	And there may or may not be some time spent with Alec Baldwin right after this quick break when we pick it back up with Kyle Dunnegan on a very fun April Fool's Day.
	Kyle, let me ask you this as yourself.
	We touched on Will Smith, but you're a stand-up comedian here, a guy who's devoted your life toward this profession.
	And I know there have been many.
	That's a terrible idea.
	But there have been a lot of guys expressing some concern about sort of the precedent this sets.
	Obviously, half the job when you're up there is to offend.
	I mean, it's not to like stroke and please.
	So, you know, what did you make of it?
	Yeah, I do worry a little bit about, I don't think I'm controlling.
	I guess I am a little controversial, but I definitely don't try to do things that hurt people's feelings.
	I just don't think it's that funny for me.
	I don't think I do it in a good way, like roasting people.
	So I don't really do it.
	So I'm not too concerned about myself.
	But I do think when you see something like that, it opens the door to a possibility.
	It's almost like when Columbine happened, and people are like, oh, you go in your school and just shoot a bunch of people.
	And then they started to happen.
	It might open up, you know, if someone insults someone in a comedy club and they're really upset.
	That image will run through their head as a possibility.
	You know, it's just that I'm a little concerned about, but it's true.
	And I hadn't thought about that.
	I bet these comedy clubs will now be adding like a little bit more security or just be a little bit more careful, lest somebody pull, quote, a Will Smith.
	Yeah, some clubs are great.
	And some clubs, you're like, I am on my own.
	Where's the escape route?
	I got my pepper spray.
	Can you imagine if Chris Rock pepper sprayed him on his way?
	That would have been amazing if he knew and just immediately just dropped him with, or like with a taser or that dog collar we talked about earlier.
	Went down.
	That would teach him: don't come up on stage when I'm hosting.
	What a scary moment.
	Like Chris Rock's brain was working so hard trying to figure out and just understand this really happened and what this all means.
	You could see that his brain was using so much power, he couldn't even read.
	Well, he was such a pro.
	I mean, he somehow managed to like crack a joke and stand there with his dignity intact.
	But I couldn't help but feel that any man would be completely humiliated, would feel completely humiliated.
	Humiliated.
	And I think when he said, I could, he said something like that, like, I could, and he stopped himself.
	My guess is he had a lot of Jada jokes loaded because you write a bunch of jokes and you go, that one's too mean.
	That one's too mean.
	I mean, the G.I. Jane joke, I know she has alopecia, but like she's a gorgeous person, Jada, and she's been told her whole life.
	Demi Moore is gorgeous, and you're comparing a gorgeous person to a gorgeous person.
	It's not that harsh, in my opinion.
	You know, there's, I don't think, and if you see the video of Jada, there's another angle of her where she's still kind of laughing.
	She's really not, I don't know what's in her brain, but this is a good point.
	You're making the point that Will Smith might have been able to hurt Chris Rock physically, but Chris Rock has rhetorical gifts that Will Smith probably doesn't have in terms of quick comebacks, jokes in the pocket, ways to humiliate you back in a different way.
	And he didn't unleash them.
	I think that's what he was doing when he said, I could.
	And then he stopped himself.
	But yeah, I felt really, I think a lot of people just felt really bad for Chris because it is humiliating.
	Right.
	It shouldn't be.
	Bitch slaps you in front of a billion people.
	Right.
	It shouldn't be.
	I think, you know, obviously, had that been a woman, he never would have done it.
	And she wouldn't have been, quote, humiliated.
	Why is it humiliating for him?
	Because he's a man and we don't expect men to take a punch or a slap without fighting back.
	But he was in this impossible position.
	He wasn't, if he had fought back, it would have been a true nightmare for everyone involved.
	Thank God he didn't.
	Yeah.
	And I wonder if one of them was white.
	Like it would have probably gotten all the talk would have been racial made it more like of a racial thing.
	Unless the person who got slapped was white, in which case everyone would have ignored it.
	Yeah, 100%.
	I understand the Academy.
	This thing happens, you need time to go process.
	Like, what do we do about this?
	I get not doing something right away, but I'm just curious what happens to Will Smith.
	There's also the problem where, okay, if you take his Oscar away, what do you do with Roman Polanski's?
	And you got to start to take the other Harvey Weinsteins.
	You got to take them all away.
	Agreed.
	Agreed.
	Although their bad behavior wasn't at the Academy Awards, but still, there's going to be some sort of a punishment.
	I don't agree that it should be taken away the award.
	You know who I would love to know what Alec Baldwin thinks about it because he's also somebody who has anger management issues.
	Oh, yeah, he is.
	And he's wrestled with them for a long, long time.
	Not necessarily at the Oscars, but you know, he's right now accused of, well, we know he actually shot and killed a woman, a cinematographer.
Taking Away All the Oscars Now 00:14:52
	Alec, what did you?
	It's not true.
	These are all lies, what you're saying.
	I mean, we saw it.
	We saw it on camera.
	You know, nothing about what you saw.
	I was given a crazy gun.
	So it wasn't.
	All I did was point it and pull the hammer back and let it fly.
	The gun did the rest.
	We all know this.
	But you're remorseful.
	You feel guilty.
	No, I feel no, I feel no guilt at all.
	Why?
	Well, because I'm the victim here.
	I'm an actor.
	I'm a father of a fat little piggy and a victim of this horrible event.
	She's my friend.
	She's my best friend.
	We went to dinner once before the ship.
	She's my best friend.
	You know, one of the things.
	Titana, Montana.
	She's my best friend.
	What do you make of you know, your life turning around now?
	Because it seems like things you're getting back on track.
	We just heard about your seventh child with hilaria is on his or her.
	Yeah.
	My wife, who's born in Espana in a small town called Bothton, Massachusetts.
	Yeah, no, not Spain.
	No, that you know that wasn't true.
	That was a lie she made up to make, and you helped.
	No, no, no.
	This is all.
	Now you're the fake news.
	You're the fake news.
	You're just trying to grab a sound bite here.
	Ilaria was born and raised in Spain.
	We all know this.
	Just all know this.
	Well, listen, let me shift gears because I think you have enough to deal with.
	You got to go to manage your 25 children.
	And you may.
	We're also working on Rust 2.
	Oh, really?
	How's that going to go?
	It's going to be great.
	It's been a great film.
	It's about a victim who's surrounded by crazy guns.
	He has to survive.
	All right.
	Someone who really is surrounded by crazies and may or may not be one herself, depending on your viewpoint, is Nancy Pelosi.
	I'm going to ask you to see if she's around, but before you get her, can I just show the audience?
	This is it's too good not to play Soundbite 10 with Kyle doing a Pelosi bit, which is the reason you need to check him out on YouTube.
	Standby.
	Watch.
	It should probably be a lure against Congress people trading stocks, but we just haven't gotten around to it.
	Okay, let's get that shit.
	Hey from Toledo.
	Let's get that shit.
	Boo yeah, Nancy.
	Booyah.
	I read your husband bought Google just before the antitrust bill vote.
	You guys made $5 million.
	So was that like luck?
	Yes, it was a miracle.
	Thank you, George Floyd.
	Oh my God, she's typing with a skeleton hand.
	Nancy, I mean, Madam Speaker, it's a pleasure to have you.
	Thank you for being here.
	Hello.
	Hello.
	You know, I have a better stock back than Warren Buffett does.
	It's pretty impressive.
	It's obviously how you can afford all those expensive ice creams in your freezer.
	And all my hair appointments, those bills add up, sweetheart.
	Right, right.
	That money's got to come from somewhere.
	You know, speaking of the hair appointment, you took some flack during the pandemic for telling the rest of us we couldn't go into the hair salon either at all, or if we did, we had to wear a mask the entire time.
	And yet, there you were.
	No mask.
	Well, if you knew what was going on there, you would have understood why I did that.
	There was only 30 or 40 people in there, and my hair looked awful.
	So it was desperate times.
	It was an emergency, a hair emergency, as they call it.
	I can understand that.
	And, you know, I do.
	Can I just ask you, this is an inappropriate question, but you know, some people write a lot about plastic surgery and, you know, whether you've had any and whether maybe you've had a little too much.
	Is that something you care to comment on?
	It's all voice.
	I mean, this puffy face is natural.
	God-given fillers.
	God-given fillers.
	That's amazing.
	How does one get those?
	Because they seem to appear later in life for you.
	It's a miracle.
	My face just keeps getting fatter and fatter.
	Oh, gosh.
	You're such a lucky, lucky person.
	And let's hope.
	Genetics.
	Let's hope for you that luck continues in November because things aren't looking so good right now, according to the polls for the Democrats.
	Any chance you think you might hold on to the house and the speakership?
	Yes, we have some surprises up our sleeve, sweetheart.
	Sweetheart.
	Don't you worry.
	We'll be okay.
	Oh, well, I'm excited to see what those are.
	Stand by because I do really want to chat with another Democrat who's been in the news lately, and his name is Andrew Cuomo.
	I'm going to play a soundbite.
	This is a man.
	You may not know him, Nancy, but his name is Kyle, and he does them best impressions.
	And he did this one of Governor Andrew Cuomo.
	This is soundbite nine.
	And then I'm going to interview him.
	Here it is.
	Here is a chart of your grandmother's sexual attraction to me over the past year.
	We start off with a spike when I start to do my daily briefings.
	We then have another spike when I start to show charts.
	Here's the point where I killed a bunch of old people.
	Bit of a dip.
	Then sexual assault claims.
	One, two, three, four, five, six, et cetera.
	Okay.
	That is all the time we have today.
	Until next time, keep your head in the clouds and your eyes in the charts.
	Governor, it's wonderful to have you here.
	I never thought you'd have the guts to actually show.
	It's wonderful to be here.
	Of course, I have the guts.
	Of course.
	Italians have guts.
	They're filled with meatballs, but we got them.
	Well, let me ask you first because, you know, it's more recently in the news about the downfall of your brother at CNN.
	Chris, what do you make of that?
	Yeah, what was that?
	Look, he's a bad kid.
	I didn't want to tell people, but he's no good.
	He's rotten from the inside.
	Okay.
	That's why you were mom's favorite.
	Absolutely.
	My mother loved me best and she told us.
	Okay.
	Story.
	Explains a lot.
	One day, Christopher came home from school.
	He had cheated on his test.
	Okay.
	My grandfather, who was in the adult circus, circus for adults, he showed, he brought him down to work.
	Okay.
	Because we were going to have Chris work in the adult circus.
	My grandfather had this, very famous act.
	He would take his testicles out and go through the aisles, smacking people in the face.
	One day, Christopher sees him backstage and he's putting, you know, oils, his testicles.
	He says to them, Grabs, what are you doing?
	He says, I do this.
	So when I smack the people in the face with the Polish claw wash, it moisturizes their skin.
	He was doing this for other people, teaching Christopher to do for others, not just for yourself.
	Brilliant man.
	But it didn't work.
	He's a piece of crap.
	Well, you know, some would say that you were the one who took that lesson to heart.
	You know, you got booted out of office for harassing a bunch of women.
	That was a smear job because I have pierced nipples.
	Did you know this?
	No.
	Well, I think I actually did read something about that.
	You actually do, don't you?
	Yes, I do.
	Look at pictures online.
	You could see through the shirt.
	No, thanks.
	I pierced my nipples.
	That's insanity.
	Of course.
	But I like the hurt.
	Pain and sexual pleasure are one and the same.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Two sides of the same coin.
	What about these rumors that you're plotting a political comeback?
	True stories.
	Okay.
	I will let the cat out of the bag when you show.
	I'm running for office again.
	You just need a little time to let things cool off.
	The way things work now, so many things that come at the people's, you know, they forget, you know, that you sexually harassed people.
	You know, it hasn't even been a year since you got booted out of office.
	So what makes you think people want you back?
	They have no choice.
	I am too charming and terrific for them to resist the Cuomo.
	A lot of Cuomosexuals out there.
	I'm not sure if you wear this.
	Still?
	Absolutely.
	They're even more attracted to a bad boy.
	That's why I wear this hat.
	Bad boy hat.
	Okay.
	What do you make of the claims online that people look at your brother Chris and they say he's the Fredo of the family?
	He is.
	He's the Fredo of the family.
	So you don't find that racist, as he claimed.
	No.
	I mean, it's true.
	If it were not true, it would be racist.
	But he is the Fredo.
	I, of course, am the godfather.
	Ah, I see.
	Pulling the strings of the puppets of the Cuomo family.
	Okay.
	Well, can I ask you one other thing as a lifelong New Yorker?
	And I was living in New York when your father, Mario, was the governor.
	I don't agree with the renaming of the Tappan Z Bridge to the Mario Cuomo Bridge.
	I don't like it.
	And I think, you know, given your disgrace and your brother's disgrace, we shouldn't have to be going across that bridge every day seeing the Cuomo name.
	Is there anything you could do to undo that?
	That's terrible.
	That's terrible.
	I'm saying it might soften me on you a little bit.
	What's the Cuomo Bridge?
	I don't want to be a good person.
	It's a beautiful name.
	You like Tappan Z?
	Yeah, I like Tappan Z.
	It sounds like a pudding.
	What would you call it?
	The Megan Kelly Bridge?
	I was fine with Tappan Z.
	It's been the Tappan Z my whole life.
	I don't need to honor Mario Cuomo with my car.
	You should honor him.
	He built this CD.
	You think?
	Absolutely.
	Challenge.
	What about him?
	What would it be?
	No, listen.
	It would be Boston.
	I love talking to you, but I got a lot of other guys I got to get to with equally large egos.
	And they include some very important people.
	So thank you for being here, Governor.
	But I'm going to turn the page and talk to Dr. Fauci.
	And I just want to tell the audience, as we get Dr. Fauci mic'd up, that there's been news by Fauci this week in which he's announced to the world that we better get ready and that we might have to reinstate potential lockdowns and masks indoors, depending on how things go with COVID.
	So, you know, we're always living in a perpetual state of worry for those at home who are listening, not watching.
	Kyle has now shrunk down to where we can only see his eyes and nose.
	I'm not very tall.
	Hi, Megan.
	I'm shorter than the others.
	Dr. Fauci, why didn't you sit on like a big man's chair?
	Big boy.
	I am.
	I'm sitting on three Apple boxes, but I still only got this doll.
	It's a sad thing.
	It's nothing to laugh at.
	Dr. Fauci is a very tiny man.
	They constantly have to, you know, put boxes down for me at the press conferences and all of these things so I could see.
	It explains a lot, though, really, if you think it through from a psychological matter, right?
	It's a disability to be a short person.
	There's no march for us, if you notice.
	There's no march?
	Oh, there's no march.
	There's no march for short people.
	Right.
	Why?
	The world ain't built for us.
	And no letter.
	You don't get a letter.
	There's no letter.
	There's nothing.
	There's just abuse and very high microphones.
	What do you make of it, Dr. Fauci?
	Do you think that we're going to be finding another variant that causes us to lock down and mask up and more mandatory vaccines?
	Let's hope so, because I don't have a job if nothing else happens here.
	Hmm.
	You admit it.
	I pray every day for more bat soup from China, wherever it's coming from.
	Bat soup.
	Yeah, there are a lot of people who believe you were responsible in some way for that original bat soup that got us all sick, funding gain of function research, including in the Wuhan lab.
	What do you say?
	Well, well, you didn't hear it from me.
	Let's just say that.
	No comment from me today on that.
	I don't know, Dr. Fauci.
	I feel like over the course of this pandemic, you've gotten a little drunk on your own.
	Why would you think it came from the Wuhan lab?
	It just happened to come from a town called Wuhan, where the Wuhan lab is.
	I don't know why you draw that conclusion.
	Well, I mean, you've done your lovely best to make me not, right?
	I mean, there's been, we've seen the papers where you try to get all those virologists to reverse their opinions that it came from the lab.
	And within 24 hours, suddenly after talking to you, they were like, hmm, didn't come from a lab, came from an animal.
	Hey, look, you can't prove nothing over there.
	Let's see you prove it.
	It's been pretty well proven.
	I mean, it's like they didn't actually catch you with the gun in your hand.
	Short abuse, right?
	What we're hearing right now is short abuse.
	You're being a shortist right now.
	Abusing a man for being smaller.
	What if you should feel some shame yourself?
	Dr. Fauci, I mean, almost 6 million people are dead.
	Do you feel no shame for funding?
	Yeah, I mean, if you think about the whole world and the 7 billion trillion people, 6 million zones, it's not that many.
	It could be worse.
	You got to do ratios, Megan.
	There is a man who looks at human life and its value in a similar way, and his name is Vladimir Putin.
	I've actually interviewed Vladimir Putin three times.
	This will be the fourth.
	He's coming on in a moment.
	And there's a lot going on.
	I mean, as I said earlier, there are reports now that he's withdrawing from Kyiv and some other major portions more in the western part of Ukraine.
	But now NATO is saying that's a lie.
	Don't believe a thing that the Russians say and that they appear to be rearming, not retreating.
	Amazingly, I got Vladimir Putin again, this time via Zoom.
	He's here.
	President Putin, thank you so much for being here.
	And is it true that you are withdrawing from the western part of Ukraine?
	Hello.
	Hello, Meggie.
	No, this is not true.
	None of this story.
	Not withdrawing or going back in.
	Neither one of those things are happening.
	No, you're not withdrawing.
	Neither one of those things are happening.
	Are you?
	You're not going in or withdrawing or staying where we are.
	None of those.
	None of those.
	So what about all these sanctions that have been levied on you?
	Must be a tough time to be living in Russia.
	Well, Russia would be a beautiful country, Russia.
	This is my Russian accent.
	I'm just actually working on it.
	As good as I'd hoped.
	It's all part of your KGB past.
	So you're just trying to throw me off, aren't you?
	People don't know that I'm not really Russian.
	I just got here a few months ago.
	Is that right?
	Where are you from originally?
	Kansas City.
	Kansas City.
Living in Russia Under Sanctions 00:03:47
	The best dupe of them all.
	I feel like you might be playing a little April Fool's joke on me, Mr. President.
	Oh, no, you got me.
	You got me.
	April 4th.
	Can I just ask you?
	Because, you know, you're not married and there are lots of reports sometimes about, you know, the young dancers or whomever that, you know, you might be partnering up with in the news.
	Is there any truth to any of that?
	There's some girls, you know, that I see here and there.
	But right now, no commitment from me or them.
	But I do know how to trust a woman.
	I take their shirt off.
	I get on a horse, you know.
	Well, so it doesn't get sweaty for them.
	I know that's your thing.
	I mean, when I interviewed you at the Kremlin, I said, what's with all the shirtless photos?
	And your answer.
	I don't know if you remember, but you looked at me and said, I give the people what they want.
	That's right.
	I said that to you.
	I remember that.
	I said, I give them what I want and they get it, you know.
	That's how you stay on top.
	You know, keep the ladies happy.
	Give them what they want.
	Well, I'll tell you this: that if you find a young lady and it doesn't work out or you don't see her as a long-term prospect, I've got a pal, Kyle Dunne, who could really use a setup.
	So maybe, you know, in an act of kindness, some sort of, you know, olive branch, you could, you know, create a union, like put some love out there into the world instead of so much hatred.
	I would love to help him and put some love out there.
	Maybe I'll change my tone.
	Stop being a dictator jerk and be a matchmaker at the million-dollar matchmaker.
	This is amazing.
	This is amazing.
	I think we really made some progress here, and I appreciate it.
	Vladimir.
	I want to apologize for all my terror on this program.
	Thank you.
	Yeah, apology not accepted, but we appreciate the attempt.
	All right.
	Now, Kyle, is Kyle around?
	Could you tap him on the shoulder?
	Ask him if he could come back.
	Hey, Very.
	It's not the greatest Russian accent.
	I am still working on that.
	It's amazing.
	You're incredibly talented.
	So listen, we got to go, but I would be disserving my audience if I didn't ask you to tell them where they can find more of you.
	YouTube.com/slash Kyle Dunagan is where I am mainly.
	I do a weekly show there, a weekly live show.
	It's like an insane thing, but it's a weekly live sketch show and it's a lot of fun.
	And check it out.
	Well, listen, it's growing right now.
	And it's a really nice group of people, like a community.
	They watch live and they talk to each other.
	And it's really been fun.
	It's really stressful, though, to be honest.
	Like, it's so much work.
	They're there to see you.
	I mean, that's why this is better than having gotten cast on SNL for so many reasons.
	This is better.
	It is in a lot of ways.
	Like, they can't cancel it.
	I can't get fired.
	And yeah, I have total control.
	And also, I mean, SNL, you have to be you couldn't do 90% of the sketches I do.
	That's right.
	NBC.
	So that's exactly what I mean.
	There's no competition in what I'm doing.
	Like no one else seems to be doing a live sketch show.
	Wow.
	Is that right?
	I don't see any live sketches other than like SNL.
	I hadn't realized that.
	Well, you're incredibly talented.
	And thank you.
	Thank you for all the laughs on a Friday.
	We needed them.
	Thank you.
	Thanks for having me.
	Yeah, to be continued.
	Hope you come back.
	Absolutely.
	All the best.
	Kyle Dunnegan, everybody.
	Go to Kyle Dunnegan, D-U-N-N-I-G-A-N.com for tour dates and his weekly show.
	Before we go, I want to tell you quickly, don't miss the show on Monday because we got the ruthless guys back.
	And guess what?
	Toddler mask mandate in New York City just ruled arbitrary, capricious, and void.
	Score one for the good guys.
	Michael Chessa was on the show talking about it.
	He won.
	New York Better Not Appeal.
	Have a great weekend and we'll see you Monday.
	Thanks for listening to The Megan Kelly Show.
	No BS, no agenda, and no

Chapters

00:00:00 Welcome to the Biggest Show Ever
00:06:45 The Danger of Flossing at Home
00:11:14 Audition Failures and Family Drama
00:23:18 Fighting for Kids Rights Today
00:27:47 Dating in Connecticut Without Neighbors
00:43:01 Bill Maher Face Swap Mishaps
00:45:04 Waking Up with a Twisted Neck
00:48:20 Will Smith Slapping Chris Rock Back
00:51:12 Calling Kim Kardashian from the Ether
01:06:38 Why Jeff Bezos Has the Package
01:15:08 Taking Away All the Oscars Now
01:30:01 Living in Russia Under Sanctions