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Oct. 26, 2024 - The Michael Knowles Show
50:26
Rob Schneider Vs Michael Knowles! FACE-OFF: Movies

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Time Text
In The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Steve Carell did something very painful for the first time on camera for the film.
What was it?
He waxed his chest?
Take direction from Judd Atkinson?
No!
Kelly Clarkson!
Recently, Hollywood has turned into Hollyweird, as if our movies have been pimped out like some male gigolo.
It's no longer run by grownups.
It's as if it's run by the woke mobs or the animals who refuse to give us what we want.
Laughs, loves, more hot chicks.
If you didn't like those movie puns in this intro, well, then you from LA. If you didn't get that last one, or the others didn't make any sense, it's probably because they were movies starring Michael Knowles, which no one has seen.
But if you did like a few of them, it's because you've actually seen good comedy movies, particularly ones with Rob Schneider.
Now, both of these men have graced the silver screen.
They have both been called, quote, racist, unfunny, and genuinely offensive by critics.
Possibly because they both played Native Americans on camera.
But who knows more about movies and Sodom and Gomorrah by the sea?
We'll find out after you click the subscribe button.
This is Face Off.
Gentlemen, thank you so much for joining the show.
Thank you, Ben, for having me on my own show.
I think that was your best intro yet.
I like how you compared my film career, probably with a cumulative budget of movies of like $17, to the career of Rob Schneider, one of the most famous and successful movie actors of his generation.
But anyway, Rob, thank you for coming on the show as well.
Thank you, Michael.
I just remember being slightly scared when I ran into the airport in LAX. It's like four years ago.
I cannot believe that you remember.
That was years and years ago, and we were both taken out for TSA secondary screening, and I wanted to commit homicide.
I was so angry and mean, and then you, because you were really nice to the guy, and I said, all right, man, if Rob Schneider's going to be nice to the guy, I've got to be nice, too.
I know you do get, you realize that there's tension in your life, and it's like those slight Those inconveniences in our liberties, you just kind of get used to them.
Just because that one Englishman, Richard Reed, decided to put a bomb in his tennis shoe, wires sticking out, for the rest of our life, we have to get our balls x-rayed and take our shoes off.
At a certain point, we've got to go, enough of this.
We're adults.
I think we're okay.
I think if somebody sees some wires in their shoes, they'll say something.
But I remember seeing you, Michael.
I remember they go, oh, Michael.
Like, ah, that guy's really outspoken.
Like, oh, my goodness.
He's out of the mainstream.
Now you're like the calmest.
Everything you say is totally mainstream.
It's all backed up.
You were just ahead of the curve.
Well, thank you.
I couldn't have said it better myself about getting the things x-rayed with the wires coming out.
I totally agree.
Now, remember the guy was masturbating because the pitchers were too quick.
Instead of eliminating the pitchers with the TSA guy...
Rob, you've somehow made my perception of going through airport security even worse.
It was already pretty low, but wow.
Now I feel off-footed.
Ben, how am I going to win this game now?
I just think you should think, you know, you can do it and stay focused the whole time.
We have about 15 of these questions to get through, and then by the end, we will definitively know who knows more about movies, because you guys are both basically the same.
I ran through y'all's careers.
I mean, it lines up so perfectly.
Hold on, I still want to delay your game again a little bit, Ben, because I want to point out, the next time you get on an airplane, or you don't get on an airplane, you should bring Rob's new book with you, You Can Do It!
Speak Your Mind America.
We should talk about the book, because it's really good.
It's right up your alley.
I got an advanced copy of the book, and it really is terrific.
Something I like about it is it's not just polemical, it's not just funny, it's very funny, but it is also...
Quite personal.
You actually talk about your family's story and your personal life in there, too.
And it's really terrific.
Good to be read on an airplane or off an airplane.
Yeah, I've tried to make it like each chapter about the length of what it takes to take, you know, a dump on the toilet, you know, how long an extended dump, you know, a dump and a half is basically what I try to keep to.
But it was fun.
I've never written a book before.
And I was like, it's, you know, I've never thought that free speech would be under attack.
And, you know, the freest country in the history of the world.
But here it is.
Here we are.
And you see it.
Like I said, you were ahead of the curve on this.
So what kind of game are we talking about here, Michael?
Some dumb, stupid game.
I love you.
You've mentioned the scholarly length of a chapter, which is supposed to be according to, I think, the MLA handbook about...
Ben, what are the rules?
Okay.
Alright, what do you have, Michael?
I say Home Alone 2.
Rob?
I say Home Alone 2 Lost in New York, which I think is the correct title.
That is the correct title, and they are both the correct answer, gentlemen.
Excuse me, where's the lobby?
Down the hall and to the left.
Thanks.
I don't lose points, even though Rob was much more thorough in his answer.
It was much more thorough, okay.
But anyway, we don't have to do that.
Alright, we'll see if this next one's thorough.
In the Top Gun Maverick trailer, which flag was originally removed from Pete Maverick Mitchell's jacket but later put back on in the theatrical release?
Was it A, Taiwan, B, the British flag, C, the Japanese flag, or D, Let's Go Brandon? Ten seconds.
Rob's really writing for a long time.
I'm wondering about this answer.
I'm like, what is he going to write that's going to get us kicked off YouTube?
Hi, what do you have, Rob?
Taiwanese flag because of the Chinese.
That also the technically thorough answer to.
That is correct.
Both correct.
We are tied up, gentlemen.
That was a better question than the first one.
I think everybody knows that one, because Donald Trump's only been in one movie.
Is that really his only cameo?
Yeah.
Wow.
We had to put him in it because it was his hotel.
He was walking around in front of the camera.
I go, maybe if we put him in it, he'll go away.
We're losing light here.
We got to make sure we got to get this Donald out of here.
Is that a true story?
Because there were some articles written that he forced himself on set and he said, no, they asked me to.
They're really gracious.
Donald Trump didn't used to be this hated guy.
I remember 10 years ago, the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live.
Everybody was happy to see him.
He was in the same elevator with Alec Baldwin.
They didn't seem to have a problem together.
I was in the same elevator with him.
And all of a sudden, it just became a madness.
I always thought the term Trump derangement syndrome was a bit exaggerated.
But now I realize it's an understatement.
You know how in the NFL, when people get a dinger, they've got to go in the blue tent when they get a head injury?
That's what happens to liberals and Democrats.
When Donald Trump comes up, they have to put them in the Democrat blue tent until they come out.
That is the big blue tent, actually.
It's referring specifically to that.
All right, this one might be a little more difficult.
It's not multiple choice.
Here we go.
Gene Wilder read the script for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and only agreed to play the part if his character could do this one action on film.
What was that action?
Huh.
Rob's writing quick, Michael.
Oh, man.
Uh...
It's an action, too.
It's not a line.
Alright, you ready?
Okay.
Michael, what do you have?
Mary Gilda Radner?
Was that...
I don't think that was in the movie.
That was more outside the movie, maybe.
That was after the movie.
Way after.
I think she was 14 when that movie came out.
What do you have, Rob?
Let me see.
Limp, fall down and get up so we can show it's all an illusion.
That is correct.
Basically word for word.
His reasoning was that it was simple.
He knew that from that time on, no one would know if he was lying or telling the truth.
if they let him do that.
That's impressive there, Rob.
It's not looking good for Michael Knowles.
Not looking good.
Yikes.
Michael, I feel like you're going to help push my book today.
Through my humiliating defeat at this game.
Wow.
All right, number four.
What is the title of the most expensive movie ever made when adjusted for inflation?
Is it A, Cleopatra?
B, Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides?
C, Avengers Endgame?
D, Waterworld?
I wasn't going to answer any of those.
Were you going to put, like, Lady Ballers or something?
No, I thought it was Avatar.
Five seconds, Michael.
Alright, what do you got, Michael?
I said Waterworld because it's like the weirdest one.
It's close.
Rob?
It's close.
There's only four answers.
Cleopatra is wrong, but the reason I want to bring it up, even though it's wrong, because I want Michael to get back into the game, but also Cleopatra, which cost $12 million in 1961, it bankrupted Marvin Davis and they had to actually sell a big chunk of most of 20th Century Fox had to be sold then, and that's why Century City exists now, because of that.
Well, it used to be...
Yeah, Martin Lando is a friend of mine.
He was one of the actors in that movie, and he actually said, the four-hour version was good.
They cut it down too much.
But, of course, the great Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, they had an affair when she was married to Eddie Fisher, and that took over the film, and nobody wanted to see the film after that.
So what happened was, they literally, I mean, you gotta understand how big 20th Century Fox was.
You could have three westerns all filming at the same time on that lot, 20th Century lot, and the crews would never even see each other.
So after Cleopatra went bankrupt, I mean, bankrupted the studio, they had to sell it off, and that's why you have all those entertainment lawyers now on.
Wow!
The real job creators.
So, Ben, what was the answer?
The answer is Cleopatra.
But Rob just said it's not the answer.
I trust him more than I trust you.
I thought that would be wrong.
So Cleopatra, what's the adjusted one for that?
It's over $400 million.
The next closest is actually on Stranger Tides, the Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
It was pretty close, which was way over budget, but still adjusted for inflation.
Cleopatra still beats it out by about $4 million.
I just thought I'd be wrong, but I'm glad I took the guess.
And I ended up being right.
Rob was trying to help me, and I'm still losing.
Wow.
Wow.
All right.
All right.
Number five.
What did Christian Bale weigh in The Machinist?
For reference, Christian Bale allegedly weighed 240 pounds in his next film, Batman Begins.
But what did he get down to in The Machinist?
And this is the closest without going over.
Was that the AIDS movie?
No.
This is where he has insomnia.
But like he was skinny in that one?
I don't...
Yeah.
I don't want to...
I'm not trying to pry too much information.
This is the closest without going over.
Alright, Rob, what do you have?
128 pounds of yelling at his cinematographer.
I said 171 pounds.
You guys both lose.
It was 120 pounds, and Bale allegedly wanted to get down to 99, and they would not work with him if he got down that low.
And then he went to 240 for Batman Begins.
Wow!
But how many pounds did the cameras add while he was screaming at the cinematographer?
Did that fluctuate the number at all, or no?
First of all, can I just say that I totally agree with him.
I don't think it's okay to yell at the cinematographer, but When you're in the middle of a scene and you're filming and somebody walks in, even in rehearsal, you're not supposed to do that.
So for everybody's game, what a jerk he is.
I went like, well, I get it.
I'm waiting to have my Bill O'Reilly moment.
The sort of we'll do it live, throwing things at the wall.
Because I think that's defensible too.
Who's the guy on MSNBC, the bald, light-haired guy with the glasses?
Lawrence O'Donnell?
Lawrence O'Donnell.
Stop the hammering.
When he completely lost his shit and yelled at me, I thought that was a thing of beauty.
You go right into therapy or rehab.
In the old days, you went to rehab.
I remember in the old days when you go to rehab, that's when you...
People were embarrassed.
Now people go into rehab like, hey, good for you.
Now people applaud you.
Hey, you're a drug addict.
Way to go.
You're an alcoholic.
You can't handle the pressure.
You're putting your family last.
Hey, way to go.
What happened to the shame in our society?
Now they publicize it.
They used to hide it.
Now they publicize it.
Yeah, they used to hide it.
What happened to shame in our society?
It's all gone.
Anyway, I'm sorry I got that one wrong, but I knew it was in the 120s.
It's close.
Now, speaking of drugs and alcohol, in The Hangover, where do the friends eventually find Doug after his disappearance during the bachelor party?
During The Hangover.
I've seen The Hangover.
I think it's one of the few movies you have seen.
I'm just gonna take a guess.
You go first, Michael.
I'm gonna say Hotel with the Tigers.
I vaguely remember that in the movie.
Rob?
I'm gonna say, I'm not 100% sure, I don't think I can take either one of those.
It was at a hotel, kind of.
It was the rooftop of Caesar's Palace.
He was stuck on the roof, if you remember, where they took roofies, forgot where they had placed him as a prank, woke up, didn't know where they put him.
He was stuck on the roof the whole time.
I don't think I can take a hotel, Michael.
Were there tigers?
No, well, there was a tiger in the hotel room.
Was there Mike Tyson's derriere?
I'll have to check the producers on that.
No, we can't take it.
You want to hear the best Hollywood story about that movie?
After the third one made a billion dollars, Peter Chernin at 20th Century Fox was like, hey, this comedy made a billion dollars?
How did that make a billion dollars?
I don't get it.
And they said, yeah, well, it made a billion dollars for Warner Bros.
They said, really?
Did we ever have that movie?
Why didn't we have that?
And one of the executives said, we did have that movie, but it got put in turnaround.
They said, really?
Who's the a** that did that?
The head of the studio, Tom Rothman.
He got fired after that.
Peter Tiernan said, let's fire that idiot!
What are they doing?
So anyway, so that's how Rothman got fired.
And then he ended up, because of the Korean scandal, North Korea that...
Yeah, they hacked the...
Right, right.
Hacked all the stuff.
And then Amy got fired, and that's how Tom Rothman ended up at Sony.
So Sony got...
So he ended up over there.
And that's where, like, you know, the emails that went everywhere.
That's why I got to see the inner emails from Sony, like, One of the executives was like, why do I have to go to Rob Schneider's premiere?
I can't believe I have to do that.
And I was like, well, thanks a lot.
The guy was kissing my ass, and all of a sudden, he's mad that he's going to one of my movies.
That was a really amazing time.
It serves him right, as far as I'm concerned.
Yeah, but isn't that funny, though?
That's great.
That's brutal.
Yeah, all those are some of the top grossing comedies of all time.
Yeah, I mean, so you can see why Peter Chernin, the chairman of 20th Century Fox, would want to fire the guy who turned that down.
Tom Rothman.
That'll teach him to go to Rob Schneider's premiere.
Do it happily.
Number seven.
In the greatest Christmas comedy of all time, Jingle All the Way, the whole premise of the movie was actually inspired by what Christmas toy craze, which had parents literally fighting at stores to get their children these toys?
Now, is it A, Beanie Babies, B, Tickle Me Elmo, C, Cabbage Patch Kids, or D, Furbies?
I think I know.
Do you remember the actual toy from the movie?
Mega Man or something, like...
The Turbo Man.
Turbo Man, Turbo Man.
Yeah, yeah.
That was a great movie.
Yeah.
Okay, I think I got it.
All right, what do you have, Michael?
Was it Tickle Me Elmo?
Rob?
No.
I remember this specifically.
Rob just tortured you.
Burlies and Arnold Schwarzenegger's...
I hate to butt in on this one, Rob, but according to my research, it was actually the Cabbage Patch dolls because it was written earlier in the 80s and it came out later.
Furbies were wild, but this one they said was based on Sinbad's.
If it had to be in either of the fellas, better Arnold's than Sinbad's.
It was partially based on Arnold's anus, though, so I could maybe give you a half point.
That's Phil Hartman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, right?
Yeah, Phil Hartman was in it.
Oh, he was so good in that movie.
He was good in everything.
Phil was one of those guys who would never make a mistake, ever.
I remember one time, because Phil would like, he's the greatest, but he would yell at me.
And I remember, because I was a writer first at SNL, and I would write something, and he would come up to me and say, why the hell did you write that thing?
It's not funny.
I'm going to go out there and I'm going to die with that line.
You only wrote that because Warren Beatty's going to be here this weekend.
And I had no idea how that was connected to all of it.
I was like, hey, listen, Phil, It's funny.
I think it's going to get a laugh.
And then I would be standing right off stage, right next to the set, and he would deliver the line.
And it got an applause break and a laugh.
And I just saw his face kind of do this.
And to his credit, he walked.
When the sketch ended, he walked right up to me.
He said, you're right.
Really?
That's great.
And then next week he did it again.
And it happened again.
I swear, it was like the comedy gods.
But Phil was, you know, He just was one of those guys who was just too good at a character.
Yeah.
He didn't know who he was.
One of my favorite SNL sketches of all time was one of his.
His Reagan mastermind, the Reagan genius sketch, where Reagan's like speaking in Mandarin and Arabic.
Everything that guy was in, even off SNL, I mean, everything that guy was in was so funny.
No, he was so good.
You remember him?
The first thing I ever saw him, and he just blew off, he just came off the screen, was in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, which he helped write that.
And the first stage show on HBO. And I was like, who the hell is that guy?
He was Captain blah, blah, blah, who you can tell was some sort of Captain or whatever.
But you know, because that show was much very dark before it was a cartoon.
It was an HBO thing and it was a live show for adults.
And so that was a show that won on HBO. But Phil was just one of those super talents.
And that's why, you know, when you see Dana Carvey, he was on Saturday Night Live last week with Maya Rudolph.
And you got to say, a really funny sketch.
Kudos to them.
Dana Carvey is the most brilliant character actor ever on that show.
Ever.
His Biden is just extremely funny.
Thank you, Regis.
Great to be here on the crew.
The family food, the food to do.
Dude!
Anyway.
And it's really funny that the biggest laughs were the ones at Kamala Harris's expense via the great actress, Maya Rudolph.
And Dana Carvey.
And then they tried to do a couple...
The Trump jokes didn't land.
No.
Because the audience is over that.
Yeah.
It's so old hat.
There was also the best part of Kamala Harris getting elevated to the top of the ticket means that Maya Rudolph gets to do the bit.
Now, hopefully it's over in November, but I thought, well, at least Maya Rudolph gets a gig out of this.
That's good.
Well, you know what?
And she's unbelievable.
She's always been great.
You know what's funny, though?
We have to do a movie about this, about the pain that the Democratic Party...
Had to go through to pick Kamala.
Because, you know, she wasn't even in the top five.
No.
She was, like, she was way down on the list below, like, you know, Gretchen Whitmer.
And, I mean, I'm telling you, they had to struggle.
But you know that the whole fight, like, we can't.
But how do we pass over?
I mean, she's a person of color, basically.
And then she's a woman.
She's the VP. How do we?
You know, so you know that they went through so much agonizing.
And that they had the agony.
They had to accept the agony of actually having her.
Yeah.
And it's all coming to roots now.
If Newsom had not been straight out of American Psycho, just like the whitest, malest guy you ever saw in your whole life, they obviously would have gone for him?
No, they would have picked him in a minute.
That would have absolutely picked him because most people have never been to California.
They don't realize that Venice Beach is the Calcutta of America.
I mean, it literally is.
I was literally in Calcutta.
And then I came back to the United States.
And I swear...
In Venice, it looked more like that than any place I'd ever seen.
So it was just absolute.
But the good news is, financially, he's broke, and hopefully he'll be out of politics.
So we got that going.
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Those stories are so good, I'm bummed I actually have to get to the next question, but we've got to keep moving on.
This is number eight.
I want to hear your dumb question.
Well, and this one's more modern, too, so maybe Michael has a chance at it.
What movie won the Academy Award for Best Picture last year?
Why would you think I would get that?
I'm just holding out hope that you...
I had a better chance with Cleopatra.
Watch something other than Casablanca or The Godfather once in a while.
Uh...
Ten seconds.
All right, Rob, what do you have?
Okay.
Now this is kind of not exactly answering the question, but it is.
And I think you'll appreciate it.
I think Michael will...
And I think you're...
More importantly, Michael's viewers will appreciate this.
Something woke ass kissing that no one in mainstream America ever saw.
That is certainly technically correct.
My guess, which I guess would be an example of that, is Moonlight 2.
Because I assume it's something kind of weird.
So I'm guessing Moonlight 2.
The correct answer is Oppenheimer.
People actually did see that movie, didn't they?
I saw that, and it was great.
And I'm really embarrassed.
I should have known that.
I think I'm going back another year.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You said two years ago.
Did you say two years ago?
This is last year.
The most recent one.
Barbie got robbed, but I heard Oppenheim.
That is the correct answer for every movie 10 years prior.
Yeah.
All through the 20s.
You know what?
Remember the Academy Awards?
100 million people would see it in America alone.
And then Barbara Walters would introduce, would interview the best, biggest stars in the world.
And everyone would watch.
You'd watch with your mom and dad.
And then you'd watch the Oscars.
And now it's about 800,000 people watch worldwide.
It used to be 100 million in the US. Because nobody cares.
Because they're tired of being like, what happened with the Will Smith thing?
It's like you saw what happened.
This abject reverse racism.
If I would have slapped Chris Rock, they would have hauled me out They would have thrown me in jail.
They would have tackled me in security.
But because Will Smith, and they're so afraid of anything racist or whatever, they let him get his Academy Award.
That was just the most ass-kissing thing I'd ever seen in my life.
And the Academy should be ashamed of themselves that they let him stay.
And get his, as what Brando called, his doorstopper.
On the bright side, though, it was the only watchable moment of the Oscars, probably in the last decade.
You know, I don't know.
He's got some eyeballs on it.
Yeah.
I mean, it was funny.
I was in Mexico directing a film.
And when it happened, my assistant in Mexico, she said, she's looking at her phone and went like, looked at me and I said, Chris Rock was slapped at the Oscars.
And they were like, what are you talking about?
The last time I had that kind of reaction was when I was on a movie in Hong Kong and they said, Michael Tyson just beat Evander Holyfield's ear.
What are you talking about?
How does that even happen?
I'll get to that in a moment.
I'm directing a movie here, but I'll get back to Holyfield's ear.
I put that in the same group of bizarre human Behavior by a famous person.
Famous rich person.
That's as bizarre as nominating Kamala Harris.
Number nine.
Which film is currently the highest grossing comedy of all time, surpassing $1.4 billion at the global box office?
Is it A, Barbie?
B, Deadpool and Wolverine?
C, The Hangover Part 2?
Or D, Home Alone?
All right, Michael, what do you have?
I said Deadpool and Wolverine.
Rob?
Well, I'm going to say Barbie Revenge of the...
That is correct.
Rob is correct.
What?
Yes.
Barbie is technically a comedy and it still has made more money than Deadpool Wolverine.
And isn't that crazy?
Wow.
Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
I... You know, I know it's an unpopular opinion in some circles.
I enjoyed Barbie.
I thought it was not so secretly conservative, actually.
I thought the whole thing was that feminism was wrong and women should have kids and stuff.
I know one of my colleagues disagreed with me, but I quite liked it.
You know what?
Movies are movies.
I think that people should be allowed to point to what it is, but it should be entertainment-based and not trying to manipulate.
But at the same time, it can work.
If you look at...
What's astonishingly brilliant, and I mean that, I mean, I'm surprised at how good Matt Walsh's movies are.
Especially having met him.
You think, this guy can make a good, how does that happen?
Well, you realize that, like, because he's not only, he's brilliant, obviously, but he's keyed into something that everybody can relate to as nonsensical and deserving of ridicule.
The only way to get like this woke nightmare to collapse or tyranny to collapse or any sort of thing is when people laugh at it.
When people in the Soviet Union, you know, nobody read the Pravda or TASS. They knew it was complete.
They just counted on word of mouth.
And so now it's the same thing with the New York Times and the L.A. and Chicago Tribune and CNN. People laugh at it.
You had people on Stephen Colbert's show talk about the, you know, the Joseph Goebbels of the Democratic Party.
You know, Stephen Colbert and his dancing syringes, when he suggested that there was some objectivity to the viewers at CNN, his own audience laughed at it.
That's right.
Because it's laughable.
I know you guys are objective over there that you just report the news as it is.
Oh, I know.
CNN makes a...
Was that supposed to be a laugh line?
It wasn't supposed to be, but...
So when you laugh at it, then you know it's collapsible.
Then it's about to collapse.
And that's what I think this whole woke nightmare...
It's months or weeks away from collapse.
Right, right.
When he said he made the joke, or he said the line, and then he said, I didn't mean that as a laugh line.
Why are you laughing at CNN's objectivity?
I mean, anyway.
It was just so truthful.
The audience knows.
They know.
Alright, number 11.
In Die Hard, Bruce Willis' role was actually offered to which much older actor first?
Was it A, Sean Connery, B, Frank Sinatra, C, Robert Redford, D, Clint Eastwood?
Has he committed?
I think so.
Alright, Rob, what do you have?
Clint Eastwood's anus.
Michael, yeah.
I said two-thirds of that answer.
Clint.
Clint Eastwood.
That would make, by far, the most sense.
However, it was actually Frank Sinatra when he was 73, because apparently he started, like, the prequel that it was based on back in the day, so we got First Offer.
Pretty wild.
It was almost a completely different movie.
Wow.
You know what?
I gotta tell you what, that's very interesting.
Because, you know, Clint Eastwood...
These questions you always ask, you usually answer what doesn't make sense, so that would have not made sense, so I should have answered that.
But I'm not very good at games.
Interesting.
Do you know that the original person for Dirty Harry, can you imagine who that was?
Because it wasn't Clint Eastwood.
In 1971, Dirty Harry was originally a studio picture that was offered to another actor, and he thought it was...
Too violent for him.
And then he ended up doing a movie very similar to it.
Any idea?
I was going to say Walter Matthau because it's kind of weird and I can sort of see his face in it, but no, I have no idea.
John Wayne.
John Wayne!
Oh man, that would have been great.
I mean, Clint's great in the role too, but wow.
Clint actually was like this unbelievable.
He rose above the movie.
The movie doesn't hold up as much as he does.
He's just this unbelievable guy.
It's like...
A friend of mine was making movies, and he was like an extra in movies that I knew back in Italy back in the late 60s.
And he said when Clint Eastwood walked down the street, it seemed like Michelangelo's statue of David walking down the street.
There was just this hunk of a guy.
But yeah, so that's very interesting.
He did another one called like McManus or McMurray or McMan or something.
John Wayne after.
And it just didn't have that same oomph to it.
I know what you're thinking.
Did I fire five shots or six?
Let me tell you, Milgram.
Did I fire?
Well, I'll tell you right now.
Did I fire?
What's the line?
Line.
But then it was like some of those things, like those movies that, you know, like who, you know, Charles Bronson.
And did Dead, you know, those movies where he played a vigilante.
I mean, I remember seeing those movies.
He did like three of those vigilante movies, Charles Bronson.
And I remember thinking, man, the audience was so fired up.
I hope I don't bump into some guy's car on the way out of here because he's a violent group.
Take your head off.
Yeah.
I remember also Michael Caine did one of those vigilante-type movies.
They always work, you know?
Bad guys get blown away, and everybody goes, yay!
Well, this next question is not a very violent one.
This will be right up your alley.
In The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Steve Carell did something very painful for the first time on camera for the film.
What was it?
All right, Michael, what do you have?
He waxed his chest.
Rob?
Take direction from Judd Apelow.
*laughter* He's a buddy.
I'm just kidding, Judd.
It's funny.
We're just having fun.
It wasn't waxing his chest on camera, which gave him the improvised line.
Ah, Kelly Clarkson!
Apparently that was the first time he'd ever waxed it and they did it action on camera.
First of all, I'll have you know that I had waxed my ass and they took that from me.
I'm sure.
My ass-waxing scene in Deuce Bigelow.
Okay?
Thank you.
Wow.
You're welcome.
You're welcome, Steve.
I want, in the director's notes of 40-Year-Old Virgin, I want them to cite you as a pioneer specifically for that act.
Can you do it live on camera before the shoot?
With the ass-waxing?
Yeah.
I'll tell you the truth.
I'm...
I'm half Filipino, so I'm basically a Mexican hairless at this point.
So they really had to have another...
They had to have a stunt ass with real hair on it for me to do it.
You know, they say there's...
I'm a prison cell partner's dream, I'll tell you.
People in Hollywood, you know, they'll take any job they can to get on camera.
But I think being your stunt sphincter, that...
I don't know, man.
An agent would have to convince you to...
You'd have to go straight from that to a Kamala...
Harris political ad.
Did you hear those guys?
What they did, Kamala Harris?
Like, the guy in ghost pants.
I buy tampons and I'm a man for...
Yeah.
I know.
It's so humiliating.
I just wish we had unbiased media that could really make fun of it on the left because they won't go near it.
And they won't touch my book either.
They won't come...
Because...
It's just anything that goes against the...
Or that even questions the liberal intelligentsia.
They're like, no, let's just pretend...
Let's just ignore it to death.
But, you know, you all out there, you can do it.
You can go out and buy that book, which is called You Can Do It, right now.
It's a good book, man.
You'll dig it.
And it's nice, and it tells some good stories.
But also, you know, it also talks about the sacrifices that are required to make sure that we continue the freest country in the history of the world.
And this whole idea of free speech...
America has its problems, but let me tell you, this free speech is pretty damn important.
In 1791, it's lasted a long time.
If you look at the, I think it's called the Rights of the Man and of the Citizen, that was in 1789, it's the French version of free speech.
It lasted four years until they started chopping off people's heads again.
We've gone since 1791 until the Harris-Biden administration.
Hopefully they don't get in.
They seem to think it's a privilege to Not a right.
And I can't believe that they're that ignorant.
I don't think they're ignorant.
I think they're willfully wanting to just do away with speech that doesn't agree with the Democratic Party.
Yeah, just radical.
All right, number 13.
Who holds the record for the most acting credits in film and television with over 600 appearances?
A, Danny Trejo.
B, Michael Caine.
C, Eric Roberts.
D, Samuel L. Jackson.
I feel confident about this answer.
Even before you listed the names, I had this name in my head.
Okay, I got it.
Alright, what do you have, Rob?
I know him, so I feel like I'm cheating.
Danny Trejo's anus.
You know it, you mean.
Yeah, you know the specifics.
I'm guessing Eric Roberts.
Danny Trejo is second with over 400, but Eric Roberts is at over 600.
He is the man, the myth, the legend currently.
Eric Roberts?
My goodness.
I gotta call him.
It's actually 5-4, Rob, right now.
Michael's getting close.
Thank you, Eric.
Don't call it a comeback.
Don't call it a comeback.
Alright.
Number 14.
What was the first horror film to be nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards?
Was it A, The Exorcist, B, Psycho, C, Jaws, D, Rosemary's Body?
Baby?
Rosemary's Baby.
Sorry.
Say it again.
- All right, the first one, it was The Exorcist, Psycho, Jaws, or Rosemary's Baby.
All right, Rob, what do you have?
Okay.
Alright.
Psycho.
Anus.
Noles, what do you have?
I said Rosemary's baby.
It's actually The Exorcist.
It was the first one.
I almost said The Exorcist.
Which I really thought Psycho.
It's a gigantic hit.
I know.
Wasn't nominated for Best Picture though.
But, next one, another classic film question.
What was the first film to show a toilet being flushed on screen?
Alright.
Was it A, Psycho?
B, The Graduate?
C, Bonnie and Clyde?
D, Animal House?
This was a big deal at the time.
First time they ever showed a toilet being flushed on screen.
There were no anuses seen.
Yeah, it does seem to.
This might finally be the vindication of Rob's answers.
Okay.
Alright, what do you have, Michael?
I said Animal House.
Rob?
Animal House.
Jambalism.
It's actually Psycho, believe it or not.
Psycho!
Psycho showed a toilet being flushed on camera for the first time.
Wow.
Really?
It was quite a controversial moment, apparently, back in the day.
More than her being stabbed on camera?
Yes.
You look it up, it's one of the main things that pops up.
People were outraged after she was stabbed, and then they saw the toilet being flushed.
That was a bridge too far.
No, you never saw the stabbing?
That's interesting.
it's behind the curtain, right?
You see the knife coming up and then you see the bloody hand ripping down the, but you never see the stab stabbing.
And what's his face?
The director, Hitchcock, said that was much scarier than showing it.
But that was something that the imagination is always going to come up with more frightening stuff.
Yeah.
Especially when I think about, Rob, your answers to all of these.
Because you just get...
My imagination is coming up with probably something that is more frightening than the actual reality of it.
Yes, exactly.
You should see Big Stan, by the way.
That movie Big Stan.
It's a really funny joke in the end.
And in the end, it's an actual joke about something.
It's where a guy goes to prison.
The movie got lost in the distribution.
But it's about, I play this guy.
They redid it called Get Hard with Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart.
But the original's better, obviously.
But there was a thing where he had a tattoo around his anus to make sure that nobody would ever, he wouldn't get violated in prison.
And then the people were like, what do we do?
What's the tattoo?
And I was like, I don't know.
Whoopi Goldberg, Hillary Clinton.
I don't know.
We ended up not showing anything.
The imagination was worse.
We actually had the prop guy to draw up like Hillary Clinton.
Even if you leave people just to their imagination, at least 87% of people would just put Hillary Clinton just naturally by their imagination.
People are going to have to use their imagination when they watch this on YouTube because it's just going to be blurred out and cancelled out and bleeped out.
Bleeps.
Uh-huh.
One and Out is known for its lengthy runtime, approximately 12 hours and 53 minutes.
However, it is not considered a traditional film, so it doesn't hold the record for longest film.
Among mainstream traditional films with a theatrical release, which has the longest runtime?
Was it A, Cleopatra, B, Avengers Endgame, C, The Irishman, D, Gone with the Wind?
Huh.
This was for the original theatrical release.
What about Barry Lyndon?
Didn't make the list.
It might not be one of the traditional films.
Like, at some of our film festivals, it wasn't like a...
It's a traditional film.
Studio, theatrical release.
It's got a...
Barry Lyndon's like five hours or something.
Those are all pretty long.
If I find out it was really Barry Lyndon, and I don't get this point, I'm going to throw...
If you look it up again on the show and try to fact-check me.
Well, I'm going to say...
I think Bergman's Franny and Alexander is actually the longest one.
I think you're wrong about this.
Yeah, I'm certain Ben is wrong.
I'm positive.
But of this list, I guess I would say The Irishman?
The Irishman is very close.
It's not.
Gone with the Wind.
Gone with the Wind is like four minutes shorter than the original theatrical release of Cleopatra, that four-hour and 11-minute version that you were talking about, Rob.
The long theatrical version.
Wow.
Slightly longer.
Well, they released a less two-hour version of it.
The original cut that Martin Landau said was better.
Irishman is long, too.
I think Gone with the Wind was three hours and 58 minutes.
It was pretty close.
All right.
Which 1927 film is considered the first talkie film with synchronized sound?
The first movie with sound.
Was it The Jazz Singer, Sunrise, Metropolis, The Great Train Robbery?
Do you remember the first movie with color, Michael?
You know what it is?
Well, I think so.
Is it on that list?
No.
Oh, it's not.
Okay.
The color is much later.
Got it.
All right, Rob.
You got it?
Let's see if he'll maintain the lead.
1927, the jazz singer starring Joe Biden.
Starring Joe Biden in blackface.
I guess more like Justin Trudeau, probably, in that case.
Wait, did you write, Michael?
I can't agree with that.
I agree, the jazz singer.
Al Jolson, I'd love to sing him.
Yeah, both got it right.
So what's the score going into this?
I think I'm ahead six to five.
Six to five, Rob.
Here we go, last question.
According to Ranker.com, the public ranking sites, this is very accurate.
Which Rob Schneider film have fans ranked the highest?
Is it...
So this is not the objectively true answer.
This is what Ranker says.
This is what the audience that watches all of Rob's films, what they think.
This is not the critic reviews in Rotten Tomatoes, which are all garbage, where they rank it like that.
This is the people.
The people voting what is the best movie.
Okay, okay.
Alright, I feel confident about my answer.
Alright, Mike, what do you have?
I'd say Deuce Bigelow, no doubt, right?
1999, one of the greatest years for film of all time.
Probably is the greatest year for film of all time.
Rob, what do you have?
I'm just writing.
I'm just writing.
Okay, got it.
Grown Ups, co-starring David Spade's Ball Sack.
Wow.
See, there's a twist at the end there.
Those are all fantastic guesses.
They're all top five on the list.
However, The Hot Chick.
Really?
People's favorite movie, Rob.
No, look, Hot Chick's great.
I'm just saying better than Deuce Bigelow?
It's to the test of time.
People love going back to it.
It's a chick flick, and you know the women, they like to vote.
They do, they do.
It's been a long time since that 19th Amendment's been around.
How's it worked out?
They like to take advantage of it.
Wow.
Well, Rob, to the winner goes the spoils.
However, this is a gentleman's game.
And if you would wish to gamble all your winnings on a double or nothing question, we do have one more.
Or you can take your winnings and have Michael start rambling off about why people should buy your book.
No, let's double down.
And then, please, Michael.
We should do a real conversation one of these days, but this was fun.
Let's do double or nothing.
Okay, all right, wow.
So you're doing double or nothing.
Rob, by the way, I totally agree.
What this experience has mostly taught me is I want to speak to you without Ben Davies just chiming in.
I want a one-on-one with Rob.
You know, his picture's bigger than ours in the middle, too.
We can move it back.
How did that happen?
I get you.
I get you.
I'm on to you.
Alright, here we go.
Double or nothing, here we go.
There's been a lot of performances over the years that have triggered some critics.
Now, according to Ranker.com, again, the public ranking site, what whitewashing performance was deemed the most offensive?
Just as a hint, it was not Prince Habibu, Chief Running Mouth, or the Asian Priest from Chuck and Larry.
It's either one of these performances.
Was it A, Marlon Brando, who played a Japanese translator in Tea House of the August Moon?
Was it B, Katharine Hepburn, who played a Chinese woman in The Dragon Seed?
C. Johnny Depp as Tonto in The Lone Ranger D. Mickey Rooney as Mr. Yokashi in Breakfast at Tiffany's or E. John Wayne as Genghis Khan in The Conqueror Didn't Sean Connery do one that was pretty wild too?
In...
Okay, anyway, I'll limit it to my...
Got it.
Okay, hold on.
I got a lot riding on this.
Yeah.
Okay.
Alright, what do you have, gentlemen?
You can't do it.
Okay, you go first.
I say Mickey Rooney.
Pretty offensive.
What do you have, Rob?
Mickey Rooney's slanted anus.
He wasn't at the actors, that makes sense.
Well, I mean, that was the most offensive one, but it's probably wrong, because that's probably the easiest one.
I don't know.
When you see the Brando photo, you may think it's the Brando one.
It's fantastic.
However, according to Ranker.com, none of those were as offensive as John Wayne playing Genghis Khan in The Conqueror.
I almost said John Wayne.
Which is a fantastic photo.
I forgot because of the mustache.
Yeah, that was beautiful.
What about Laurence Olivier as the Mad Makti?
Remember that?
That was a great one.
No?
Okay.
But to the victor does go the spoils.
Since those cancel each other out.
Michael, would you please give 30 seconds for why people should buy Rob Schneider's book?
Gladly.
I'm glad I lost, in fact, so that I can tell people, right now, stop what you're doing, go to Amazon or wherever you get your books, whatever.
You Can Do It by Rob Schneider.
A book that is part memoir, it's very funny, it's funny throughout, and part political wisdom book.
And polemic.
Go get, right now, go get You Can Do It.
And I won't add on to that any parts of any orifices or any appendages.
Just go get the book.
There's some pictures of me and Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, me and The Rock, me and Stallone, me and the guy from Cleopatra, Martin Landau, right there.
Not only do you get great words of wisdom from Rob, but you also get very cool pictures.
So for those of you who are illiterate, you'll get good pictures out there, too.
Hey, Michael, we'll have a real conversation next time.
Nothing wrong with your questions.
I thought your questions were terrible, Ben.
But I look forward to having a real conversation with Rob.
Rob, thank you very much, sir, for coming on.
Ben, thanks for allowing time to make you less radical.
And thank you to everyone watching.
Well, there you have it.
And if you haven't already, go check out the fantastic library of Rob Schneider movies and get your copy of You Can Do It, Speak Your Mind, America, available now on Amazon and wherever books are sold.
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