Join Michael as he delves deep into the sometimes bizarre, often complicated, and always fascinating relationship stories shared by Reddit users.
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I have in my hand a binder full of desperate libs trying to figure out love and romance.
So, your love guru is here.
We have a marriage and birth rate problem in this country, even for the libs.
I want them to have good, fulfilling lives, to be fruitful and multiply, and so I will solve their problems.
First one up.
My 29 male girlfriend, 29 female, was cuddling another man on our sofa.
What's another man doing in your house?
I found my girlfriend of nine years.
Girlfriend of nine years?
Well, there's your problem.
You cuck.
That's why you're getting cuckolded.
Because you're behaving like a cuckold.
I found my girlfriend of nine years laying on my sofa with another man.
He's a friend of hers and he came over while I was out with my pals.
It's not even like he's the gay best friend, or he's one of your friends who's just joking, or maybe joking.
No, it's just one of her straight male friends who she cuddles with when you're out of the house.
That's rough, buddy.
I know the guy.
He's been over to our house a few times.
Yeah, probably a few more times than you think, buddy.
And this has never happened in front of me.
Neither have I ever implied it was okay for him to lay with her on our sofa.
Man, she's testing you and your boundaries.
You should fly into a crazy rage if you were a normal man.
When I called her out on this, she told me she doesn't see this as an issue because there's no romantic feelings involved.
Oh, baby, you, you got what I need.
But you say he's just a friend.
Oh, but he ain't just a friend.
If you think she's just testing you, which might be the case, then you should say, look, under no circumstances can you ever.
Just single male friends that you cuddle with on my couch.
But, you know, look, I've been kind of a schlub too, and I haven't proposed, and I should have, so I'd love to get married, but not if you're gonna, you know, act like a strumpet in my house.
So, you know, that's your choice.
We get married, or you can cuddle, you know, that friend over there.
Okay, next one.
My partner keeps making offensive jokes about monogamous people.
My partner hates them for pushing mononormativity.
That's the first time I've ever come across that word.
They made a joke about how they should all be put in concentration camps.
They told me it's like telling a BIPOC.
I've come across this one.
I don't think it's a sexual thing.
It's not bi like bisexual.
I think it's black person of color.
I think is what that means.
It's like telling a BIPOC they can't make jokes about white people, but I feel that's kind of comparing apples to oranges.
Oranges?
I told them I needed some space, but I don't even know how to approach this.
Here's what I would recommend you do.
You should break up with them.
Then you should sort out your spiritual house.
Maybe the they needs an exorcism since, you know, their name is Legion for they are many.
Then you should go talk to the psychologist.
Then you should unlearn every single thing you've ever been taught in your entire life.
And then maybe you have the chance to lead a flourishing and normal life.
Right now, go to WokeTearsWater.com.
Are you sick of companies trying to turn you into a big lib?
Seems like woke-isms everywhere, right?
It's in the air we breathe.
It's even in the water we drink.
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In fact, this water self-identifies as the most transparent in the world.
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The two things that are right toward the top of my list of making life possible.
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Okay, next one.
I, a 28-year-old female, have lost weight and now I want to divorce my husband, a 29-year-old male.
My husband and I have been married for five years, together for seven.
We have a three-year-old kid.
Oh my goodness.
After having the baby, I struggled to lose baby weight and also struggled with postpartum depression.
I wasn't really focused on my appearance.
Then my husband started making comments about my body and how I should start working out and wearing makeup again.
It made me feel really awful and I worried that he might start looking elsewhere because we weren't being intimate anymore.
Be honest, babe.
I suggested hiring a nanny so I could have more time for myself, but I wanted to be there for our baby full-time, so I turned down the offer.
That made him angry, and he started acting cold toward me.
Months went by without any hugs, kisses, romance, or any kind of affection.
My self-esteem—okay, I'm going to put a pause here.
I guarantee this husband is addicted to porn.
Be honest, babe.
It's porn, right?
No husband would just not ask his wife for the marital right or even, like, kiss her or hug her or anything.
I don't care how chubby she got.
Oh my god, you're beautiful.
That is prima facie evidence of cheating or porn use.
My self-esteem hit rock bottom.
Every time I looked in the mirror, all I saw were the flaws that my husband pointed out.
By this point, our son was two years old.
I took matters into my own hands and hired some help with more free time.
I started going to the gym, swimming, and guess what?
I've lost a ton of weight and feel amazing.
Suddenly, my husband started touching me, kissing me, buying me flowers, and treating me like the complete opposite of how he treated me before.
You'd think that would make me feel better, but it made me feel worse.
All I could think about were the hurtful things he said to me when I was at my lowest and how cold he was toward me.
Why couldn't he love me as a human being and the mother of his child?
When my self-esteem came back, I got really angry at myself for putting up with his behavior for so long.
A few days ago, I told him I wanted a divorce because I don't think I can move past how badly he treated me.
There's no excuse ever for getting a divorce.
You know, full stop.
There we go.
To say I was angry at my husband because he made some mean comments about me two years ago, so I'm going to blow up my kid's world and force my own problems and my husband's problems on some sweet, innocent baby.
What's the matter with you, woman?
Get over yourself.
It's not about you.
You made a vow and you had a child and you need to be an adult.
Good grief.
You are acting like a baby.
So, everybody acted poorly here, and lady, you should accept your husband's apology.
Husband, you should start acting like a man, and you should sleep together, stay married, and have more kids.
Okay, next one.
I, male, early 40s, have been polyamorous for over 10 years.
It's my natural way of loving and forming relationships.
No, you're an overgrown, deviant child.
This is just my authentic self is instrumentalizing girls from the gratification of my most base impulses.
Aren't I just so quirky?
No, you're shameful and you should be ashamed of yourself and shape up.
Monogamy never worked for me.
I enjoy both casual and committed relationship sex.
Sex for me is a form of connection and fun like almost no other.
Oh wow, you like sex?
Wow, you're really quirky.
How unique.
I have always used condoms.
Ugh.
Everything about this is so gay.
I contracted HSV2 somewhere.
Ever since, I tried disclosing my status when dating.
Online dating was always hard before, especially as a cisgender polyamorous man.
I used to be okay with rejections before, but this one makes me feel dirty and unlovable.
Well, look, you're not unlovable, but you are dirty.
You are.
You're filthy.
And the things you do are filthy and shameful.
And so you should stop.
First thing to do, stop.
Second thing to do, confess your sins and receive absolution.
Third thing to do, date people in a normal way.
And then, this is going to sound crazy, you should get married.
And then you can have a child with that person and you can be happy instead of a miserable sex addict, which is what you currently are.
The important lesson here is for you to look for the positives in failure.
