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Dec. 23, 2024 - Minion Death Cult

01:49:17

Jingle Smells (2023) UNLOCKED

Originally aired: Nov 29, 2023 Get a bonus episode every week by signing up at http://patreon.com/miniondeathcult for only $5/month Today we’re discussing Jingle Smells, a bizarre Christmas movie produced by Sean Hannity and the conservative American Center for Law and Justice (Trump lawyers). We follow Nick, a PTSD alcoholic veteran of Afghanistan who can’t compete with his handsome, rugged Police Chief father Dusty (John Schneider) When Dusty makes Nick get a job as a garbage collector, he begins stealing boxes of “cancelled” toys set for destruction by the Cancel Culture toy company CEO (Eric Roberts) Nick is able to foster a secret relationship with poor kids in the neighborhood by giving them each a toy in exchange for their silence, and Santa teaches us that breaking the law is okay if it feels good.

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Time	Text
	The liberals are destroying California.
	And conservative humor gone awry is going to fascist-fornia today.
	So stay tuned.
	We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
	It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
	Stay tuned guys, we'll show you exactly what it looks like when you're in the desert.
	All there in Martin, we'll stay tuned.
	I'm Alexander Edward.
	And I'm Tony Boswell.
	And we are Minion Death Cult.
	The world is ending.
	Super rare, valuable, collectible, and delightful toys are being cancelled by the woke left.
	And we're documenting it.
	I've been waiting for this, you know.
	Can't even have toys anymore.
	Yeah, no, Tony.
	A certain type of toy you certainly can't have.
	A masculine toy.
	A toy that represents hetero values.
	Yeah.
	We're talking about a movie today called Jingle Smells.
	Shout out to Adam, listener Adam, for sending us this.
	Why do you tell me who to blame and punish for the hour and 40 minutes I had to spend today?
	Well, I don't know if you realize this, Tony.
	A lot of people are going to be blaming us for listening to this episode.
	True, true, true.
	So I thought it might be better to head that off, send everybody Adam's way.
	Oh, smart.
	I like that.
	Thank you.
	So, yeah.
	Don't get mad at us.
	Don't shoot the messengers.
	This is, I believe, at least our second Sean Hannity-produced movie we've covered.
	I believe he did produce To Die For.
	Could be wrong, but another John Schneider joint.
	Because today, yeah, John Schneider gets top billing in Jingle Smells.
	Despite being a supporting character in this at best, the main actor plays his son.
	The actor's name is Ben Davies and didn't really recognize him.
	Just don't care for him.
	Don't care for his face or how he acts.
	I'm not into it.
	No, there's nothing too like about Ben Davies.
	Like, at all.
	Yeah.
	This was also produced, though, it's not just a Sean Hannity joint.
	It's a Sean Hannity and American Center for Law and Justice joint.
	That's the ACLJ you see at the beginning of this movie.
	That's so funny.
	Is their job just doing cop propaganda?
	No, they're actual lawyers.
	They are actual lawyers produced this movie, wrote this movie, and starred in this movie.
	It's like a movie by lawyers.
	Specifically, Family of Trump's Lawyer and American Center for Law and Justice head.
	I don't know what his actual title is.
	It just says he leads the American Center for Law and Justice.
	His name is, what, Jay Sikulo.
	I'm probably mispronouncing that.
	Jay Sikulo.
	He has a cameo in this movie playing the drums in the Jay Sikulo band that ends this Christmas holiday movie.
	I'm going to call it a holiday movie just to make Jay Sikulo mad.
	That whole band must be cameos, right?
	They're a real band.
	Oh, they're an actual band.
	They're the Jay Sakulo band.
	There had to be an answer.
	I was like, what are these old dudes?
	Where do they come from?
	But that makes sense.
	The movie was co-written by his son, Jay Sakulo's son, Logan Sakulo, I believe, and another person.
	Crazy family member smorgasbord throughout this movie.
	But yeah, so we'll get some more of that later.
	All right.
	Real quick, you want to get even more upset about Ben Davies?
	Ben Davies is listed at 6'2 on IMDb.
	Ben Davies is not 6'2.
	You were looking at him.
	More acting, shall we say.
	You were looking at him pretty close.
	I was.
	I was.
	I mean, I had no choice, really.
	Well, I know exactly how tall Hornswoggle is, who also was a star of this movie, and him and Hornswoggle were standing next to each other, and I can do the math.
	See, I'm not a wrestling fan.
	I don't feel like I can call him that.
	I don't even know if I can call him that, actually.
	I don't know.
	I don't know if I get the pass.
	Okay.
	Anyway, so Sean Hannity did co-produce, co-executive produce this movie.
	So, of course, he gets the very first line and the first scene in this movie.
	It starts on Sean Hannity's face saying, Hello, world.
	It's Sean Hannity.
	Hi, everybody.
	It's me.
	This is the movie that I made for you.
	So it's, you know, obviously part of it is I have to fucking be the bookend to this shitty movie.
	It's kind of crazy he's allowed to do that.
	I feel like his contract should state you can't just do fake news segments willy nilly on any movie.
	Oh, you mean his contract with Fox News?
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	We should go over the heads of Fox News and just make it illegal for Sean Hannity to be in any movie.
	I'm good with that.
	Yeah, that makes sense for me.
	I think the big news story, if I'm remembering correctly, that Sean Hannity introduces the movie with is they freaking canceled another heterosexual masculine male actor in Hollywood.
	I think Sean Hannity says something like, they cancelled him for a public display of Christianity.
	He tweeted at God or something.
	He did a love you big man kind of tweet to God.
	And that's why he got kicked off of the new movie and had his contract with his agents cancelled.
	Yeah, he did that thing that happens all the time when movie stars get canceled.
	I think he said, like, God bless America.
	Mm-hmm.
	And he was doing a pro-God, pro-America thing.
	And so yeah, naturally his contracts went away.
	We can say that on this show because we're being ironic.
	We do have to let YouTube know we don't actually mean that.
	It's satire.
	We do not ask God to bless America.
	This actor's name is Mason Stone.
	And although I'm not familiar with wrestling, when they showed him on screen, I was like, this guy has to be a wrestler because he's way too ugly to be anything else.
	You know, I think he is, but I couldn't place him.
	I don't know what his deal is.
	But yeah, like I said, because he's overshined by a much bigger WWE star later on.
	So I don't know what his deal is.
	Yeah, but he's like this action hero.
	He plays like barbarians and stuff like that.
	And yeah, they canceled him for like typing to replying on men to a Facebook meme.
	Or like he got put on the terror watch list for posting a photo of Snoopy kneeling at the cross.
	You know, your average Facebook victim of Facebook jail.
	This is like the real world version of Facebook jail is your libtard agents cancel you.
	Yeah.
	It's funny, like, you know, the very real news segments we have, the nightly cancellation, like, who's being canceled today?
	Because they announce it now in the news.
	It's headline news.
	That's how they announce it.
	They say those words.
	Yeah, we have, like, two different programs throughout.
	We have the Sean Hannity program, and then we have the Jim Brewer hour, where he just plays a newscaster who's also just informing everybody of Mason Stone being canceled.
	He's playing a straight newscaster, like he's not doing Jim Brewer-isms, but he is doing shitty Jim Brewer faces, which I now realize is not a Jim Brewer bit, that's just his faces.
	That's just the faces he makes.
	You said he's doing, like, a straight bit.
	I don't know if I would call it that.
	Like, when I first saw him on screen, I don't know if I would use that word specifically, because when he first came on screen, I was like, oh, hmm, Jim Brewer, sober?
	Like, he was doing some of it pretty good, and then as the movie went on, I was like, oh, no, never mind, I scratched out.
	I guess straight considering.
	He made no goat noises.
	I was like, oh, he looks good.
	And then I just realized it was because he had a pound of flesh-colored makeup on.
	To add life and vitality to his otherwise gray visage.
	I've never seen...
	That man had fucking coach luggage under his eyes.
	I've never seen bags that crazy.
	It's really funny that this is the way they're going with it.
	This is like the cancel.
	He got canceled for being Christian is what they're saying.
	They tie in a couple other things to it.
	They make allusions to other things pretty quickly up here.
	But they're mostly talking about being Christian.
	And it's so funny to act like the biggest action stars right now aren't vocal Christians.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	Like, Mark Wahlberg is not just a Christian, but, like, a Catholic, which is even more cancelable than a Christian.
	I love that so much.
	That motherfucker's going straight to hell.
	Going straight to...
	Do you know what would happen if I were to, like, go to church for some reason and, like, do, like, a selfie video in front of church before I go in church and be like, alright, peace y'all, stay prayed up.
	My grandma would whoop my ass in church.
	Like, that is so wild.
	You're not allowed to do that.
	I think God would cut him a pass because he's bringing more bros to the church.
	Well, he does a fit check beforehand of his own clothing company.
	Hmm.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	I don't know enough about Catholicism to know if that's a sin, having your own clothing company.
	Oh, that's true.
	That's true.
	I don't know.
	But I think hawking it as church wear is a sin.
	Yeah, what's the other guy?
	Chris Pratt, right?
	Is that his name?
	Chris Pratt, yeah.
	Yeah, that guy's in a weird, freaky Christian cult.
	He's like, yeah, one of the biggest actors right now.
	Yeah, he's for sure a Christian.
	He's all about it.
	He's like fucking adjacent to the Quiverful movement, the pregnancy slave sect of Christianity.
	Still not canceled.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it's just funny to think of like, well, yeah, sure, action movies, you could be an action movie star, but you can't say God.
	And it's like, yeah, I remember all those fucking atheist Benghazi movies we had.
	Yep, yep.
	You know, like probably the least Christian action movies are like Tom Cruise action movies.
	Yeah, yeah, because they kind of make allusions to God a lot in action movies.
	You're right.
	There's scenes where they pray and stuff.
	I don't know.
	Am I making that up?
	I feel like it just feels right.
	I don't know.
	Every military movie that's in theaters probably has a scene where the soldier prays to God.
	I'm not even being cynical, but the Pentagon demands it, I think, to use their camo in the movie.
	Yeah, it's part of the contract, for sure.
	Okay, so cut to the local jail.
	Right?
	I guess we get a cut here to the local jail where John Schneider is the chief of police who walks back into the whatever jail cell area.
	I guess it's the same as the police precinct.
	And there's a guy in a drunk tank playing ukulele.
	There's some back and forth with one of the cops.
	Hey, how do you get that freaking guitar in there?
	I think it's supposed to be a joke.
	And then he goes like, oh, well, I'm not your average prisoner.
	Or the cop says that.
	And then John Schneider's like, yeah, he's not the average prisoner.
	John Schneider, if you don't know, if you didn't listen to our previous To Die For episode, is a Duke of Hazzard.
	He's like...
	A right-wing, like, Gen X or Mike Rowe kind of guy.
	Well, I mean, that's one way of putting it.
	Others would say he's one of the first victims of cancel culture.
	What they did to his car in that show, the way they erased the history of that car.
	Yeah, it did, like, make him insane.
	Yeah, because you never see a General Lee anymore.
	You don't see him anymore.
	You definitely don't see Confederate flags anymore.
	And he's one of the main people to suffer from that.
	I'm surprised they didn't have, like, yeah, a cross sticker on the toy, and that's another reason the toy got canceled.
	Or, like, they tried to release the toy without the cross sticker on it.
	Yeah.
	Because, like, having a toy without a Confederate flag on it, I think, is what drove John Schneider insane.
	Yeah.
	No, it absolutely is.
	It absolutely is.
	Yeah, because they even talked about how the toy in question that we're going to talk about, it had modifications from the last release.
	I'm surprised they didn't go that route.
	Like, oh, this one doesn't have the cross.
	This one doesn't come with a dove.
	Right, well, they say that they had to remove the dart-throwing wrist guards or whatever because kids got injured.
	And I'm surprised they didn't make a Safe Spaces joke there.
	Well, I mean, I think they're smart enough to only do one safe spaces joke.
	There's like that shit riddled throughout.
	Just like the cheapest of cheap pops.
	But there's a lot of things that, yeah, kind of like...
	Give the game away that seem like actually sensible stuff.
	Like, yeah, you would make modifications to a toy if it kept injuring children.
	Yeah, absolutely.
	That's a sensible business decision.
	That's the rule.
	It's funny that they're always doing this bring back lead type mentality, you know?
	Um...
	Yeah, so it turns out the, I guess, whimsical, boyish prisoner in this cell playing ukulele is what?
	It's John Schneider, police chief's son.
	That's my favorite.
	That reveal was so funny, because it's kind of obvious, but it was also like, Do you think they're really going to arrest the police chief?
	They're talking about why he's in there, and they're like, oh, going to a movie shouldn't be legal.
	And he was like, well, I mean, at least the one I went to, or something like that, implying that the movie he went to, or the way he went to the movie...
	Was it legal?
	Did he bring the guitar to the...
	They don't talk about why he's in there.
	I was wondering, because I think I was grabbing a drink out of the fridge when this scene...
	It's hard to express how poorly these lines of dialogue are enunciated.
	John Schneider is easy to follow.
	He's got tons of acting under his belt and knows how to deliver a line cogently and clearly.
	Everyone else is struggling.
	Everyone else is struggling bad and they do like...
	Probably a handful of takes, if that.
	It was brutal.
	But yeah, he's just saying that he went to a movie.
	Maybe he brought the guitar with him.
	They don't say that.
	But maybe he brought the guitar with him and was being a nuisance.
	That's the only thing I could think of.
	But also, he's the chief's son.
	He doesn't get arrested.
	Right, in the first place.
	Well, I mean, they're trying to say, oh, this isn't nepotism.
	He treats him just like you would anyone else.
	But no, he doesn't, because he lets him out.
	Like, what's the point of it?
	I think it's just a funny, like, gag is, oh, he's in the jail cell.
	The way you described it, though, it sounds like he went to a pornography movie and was jerking himself off in the theater.
	That's possible.
	That's very possible.
	So maybe the movie question was, I think, yeah, I think the question, that's very possible.
	Okay, we don't know.
	Yeah, I was going to ask you why he got arrested, but apparently we don't know.
	There's some extremely sketchy behavior by this police chief's son in this movie that we'll get to, but it's never actually addressed.
	It's just like an undercurrent throughout this movie that I think even the writers and directors and actors did not pick up on, but are pretty damning, in my opinion.
	Yeah, make him seem like a real piece of shit, but they never really explain it.
	Yeah, let's go through it.
	Okay, so the punishment for...
	It's not even like punishment for the son.
	The son is just like a loser without a job somehow, but the son is like 35, you know, 32 or something like that.
	But there's this treatment of him like, when are you going to grow up and get a job?
	It's like, where does he live?
	How is he alive?
	He doesn't have a job?
	And so his dad, again, John Schneider, police chief, his name is like Dusty.
	I learned from the credits.
	John Schneider is Chief Dusty.
	Dusty says, okay, well, you got a job now.
	You're a garbage man.
	And it's this, like, big joke that a garbage truck pulls up, and there's two weirdos hanging off the side of it, and then one of the guys is a big black dude who goes, come here, girly!
	Yeah.
	And I was like, is this, like, a rape joke?
	Is this, like, a prison rape joke?
	Like, what is this, like, what are they trying to imply with him having this job?
	Well, I mean, it's hazing, you know?
	It's the tough guys.
	It's a rough crowd.
	Yeah, I guess.
	Which I don't understand.
	I've never heard anybody say, come here, girly, in any other context other than the implication is like, I'm going to fuck you.
	Yeah, yeah, totally.
	Yeah, exactly.
	I don't know.
	The whole idea, this is a very crucial part of the movie, is the fact that he's becoming a trash man, which is funny, because as we all know, being a trash man is a great job.
	For the most part.
	You usually get some pretty good pay.
	It's off the union.
	It's a good job.
	It's a dangerous job.
	But it's a good job.
	And...
	They're making it seem like it's not that.
	It's only wayward...
	These guys are on the Prisoner to the Streets program and this is the job we got them.
	Right, well yeah.
	We'll show all of that as we go through this, but they treat him like shit.
	The movie treats him like shit for being a garbage man.
	The name of the movie is Jingle Smells because he's a garbage man.
	Um...
	And I was looking this up, Tony, because that's how I always understood sanitation workers to be unions, and they make good money.
	They have a lot of leverage, and it also is a dirty job, so you would think that it would warrant a good base pay.
	Not really.
	I was actually looking it up.
	It's like $17 an hour.
	Oh, really?
	In Arizona, where this movie takes place.
	And I was like, that's odd.
	I looked up Seattle.
	Seattle's higher.
	Seattle's like 21. But that's still pretty low, especially for a union job.
	And then I looked up New York, and I got a couple different results for New York.
	One of them was like, oh, in New York, a sanitation worker makes 29,000 a year.
	And then another result, it was like a sanitation worker makes $80,000 a year.
	And that's kind of where I thought the sanitation workers are at.
	But everywhere else, it looks to be about fucking like $20 an hour at the highest.
	This really changes my opinion on this movie.
	This movie is actually a truth bomb.
	Wow, I'm going to be processing it in a whole different way now.
	This is kind of like the earnest beginning of the movie.
	He rides off with the two trash truck guys.
	One of whom he ends up being his uncle, kind of.
	It's like his dad's best friend or something.
	Uncle Mike.
	Uncle Mike.
	And we get the micro John Rich collab.
	Santa Claus got a dirty job, which is again about Santa Claus shitting his pants from eating too much cookies.
	Oh, Santa Claus, he's a big man.
	He visits over 300 million folks every year, and everywhere he goes, you know what he finds?
	What?
	Cookies.
	And he eats them.
	He's got it.
	He's Santa Claus.
	It'd be rude not to.
	I'm just saying, you wake up in the middle of the night, you see that big man in your house making a beeline for the bathroom, you best get out of his way, because, you know.
	Santa Claus got a dirty job.
	A dirty job.
	Santa Claus got a dirty job.
	Yeah.
	Santa Claus.
	Yeah, and it's great.
	And it's like...
	I like this, though.
	Is this song the whole reason for the movie?
	Maybe.
	It might have inspired it.
	I don't know.
	It's a bit of a...
	It's a bit of a little hint of what's to come, you know?
	Sure, I mean, it's very appropriate.
	Okay, yeah, Jim Brewer, next we get another newscast.
	We just can't have enough information about how Mason Stone was cancelled.
	I have in my notes, Jim Brewer is a newscaster, parentheses, sober.
	He announces Mason Stone has been cancelled, and then we finally learn what it was.
	He says he was cancelled for brandishing a weapon and making offensive statements.
	You're like, oh, that sounds crazy.
	And then you cut to a TikTok video of him out with his hunting buddies brandishing guns and saying, God bless America, protect our troops, USA, USA. Well, I think this is actually very on purpose.
	They weren't brandishing guns.
	They were brandishing compound bows.
	Which is interesting, because I think, is there a rise of compound bows in the right?
	Because we just had Joe Rogan shoot the Tesla truck with a compound bow.
	I think they've been popular for a while, I think.
	I hope they become more popular.
	I hope it comes to the point where it's like hunting with a gun is for cucks.
	You've got to hunt with bows.
	Because when there's bow hunting, the animals actually stand a chance, and some people go down.
	So I think that's the manliest way to hunt, besides just a knife.
	I don't think these guys are like big game hunting with compound bows.
	I think they're still shooting at deer.
	I think we should encourage them to big game hunt.
	Okay, like I wouldn't cancel him for making this video, but it's a weird fucking video.
	He's just like standing in front of the camera with his friend.
	Like it's all like set up and he's like...
	God bless America!
	USA! USA! USA! Protect our troops!
	They literally start chanting USA, which is really funny.
	It's just like, oh, did we hire a man-child?
	Who has his power of attorney?
	Did we do all the paperwork correctly?
	Is this thing going to fall through because he's not competent to sign a contract?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Well, it's funny, because, like you said, we wouldn't cancel them from this, but we've seen...
	I mean, we didn't see celebrities do this, but we see celebrities make movies that have this in it, which is just as cringe, right?
	And, like, we just continue kind of not caring about it.
	It's not...
	We already know who this...
	We already know who they are.
	They're not surprising at this moment.
	Like, it would be weird if, like, Tom Hanks did this.
	Also, what am I going to do?
	An actor I don't like made a movie or did something.
	That's so low on my register for things to ever care about.
	I don't know why we're treating this earnestly, but what power would I have to cancel anybody?
	Apparently a lot.
	They say, last time he got canceled because he refused to donate to the Democratic candidate And I was just like, this is where I started getting mad at this movie.
	I was just like, this is like such fucking toothless, like milquetoast satire, you know?
	Yeah.
	Mason Stone got canceled because we wanted to put a Hillary Clinton bumper sticker on his car, and he said no.
	He said no way.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And it's like, people don't ever get, like, canceled for not doing something.
	Like, that's not a thing.
	Like, they should have said, like, you know, he would have been canceled for donating lots of money to the conservative candidate.
	That makes more sense?
	No, I just hate it.
	It's like baby shit.
	Like, Mason Stone canceled for refusing to say, I love you, Joe Biden.
	You know, like, at least say, like, Nancy Pelosi got tipsy and tried to take advantage of him, and he refused.
	There you go.
	Yeah, get clever with it, at least.
	Or, like, Mason Stone canceled because he wouldn't smack Paul Pelosi's winky with a hammer.
	Alright, so we cut from this newscast.
	This newscast is still going, but part of this newscast is a video statement from the Cash Bro Kids Toys CEO. Cash Bro, of course, being Hasbro.
	Reference to Hasbro Toys.
	And the CEO is played by 95-year-old Eric Roberts, struggling to keep his fucking teeth in his mouth as he delivers every one of these lines.
	Yeah, he releases a video statement to the news saying he's canceling all their toys with Mason Stone, their line of Mason Stone action figures, at the behest of his lawyers, which is odd.
	And he's sort of like...
	Betrays a bit of reluctance to cancel the toys.
	It's not his idea, but he's being forced to release a statement.
	And it's so stupid, because if the movie gets cancelled, the toys get cancelled.
	Yeah, was there an actual movie that got cancelled?
	Because all the movies they're referencing are movies that have already come out.
	It was like his classic films that they were making action figures of.
	It was like a sequel.
	They didn't bring them back on for it.
	But yeah, I guess the toys are from the old movies.
	Which, I mean, yeah, we just need innovation anyways.
	We don't need another...
	We don't need a new R2-D2 toy.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Hey, speak for yourself, dude.
	I mean, the first 25 were pretty good, but there's always room for improvement.
	Now we cut to a montage of Copson, is how I was referring to him in my notes.
	So the main character, whose name is Nick, but I didn't really learn it, I didn't really retain it until I see it on his name tag.
	Yeah, I just realized his name is Nick.
	Right, we'll get to that.
	Um...
	We cut to a montage of him and his Uncle Michael just playing with trash, which could, in theory, be funny, but they're just not really playing with it.
	They're just throwing it over their heads and stuff.
	At one point they're doing the down pillow fight scene.
	Yeah.
	If there's a down pillow in the trash, I'm not messing with that.
	There's a reason why it's in there.
	It's like Charlie and Frank.
	They're reveling in the sewer.
	They're splashing in the garbage juice.
	It's really fucking weird.
	It would be funny if there were any other element to this character except you're supposed to like him.
	And so it's just an odd thing to have the hero of your movie doing.
	doing i think maybe like this is where this is like one of the things about the character that's maybe supposed to be annoying because his stepmom fucking hates him his stepmom like wants him to die in a gutter and she's not even his stepmom she's just a guy sorry she's just a gal his dad is dating who like wants his dad to not pick up the phone.
	When the son is like, as we find out, a PTSD veteran who saw his whole fucking squad die in Afghanistan.
	And that's why he's such a loser now without a job.
	And she's like, you need to kick baby bird out of the nest!
	What are you doing?
	She sucks.
	She's terrible.
	She's amazing.
	One of the only notes I have on her is that I said she's toxic.
	She is.
	She's bad.
	We watch a montage of them playing in trash.
	Rolling around in muck.
	It's insane.
	Back at home, we see Nick, cop's son.
	We see his apartment, and he's like...
	It's sort of a studio apartment.
	You can't see much of it right now.
	It looks pretty messy.
	Later you see it and it looks like...
	You see it in the light.
	Like when he's on the rebound.
	When he's like doing better and has a mission and something to live for.
	You see him like...
	seriously mentally ill person lives there or like addicts were squatting there.
	There's like literal, I mean it's not literal, but there's like brown juice sprayed on the walls.
	Yeah.
	I mean, that's one of the things that's supposed to imply kind of, like, what a piece of shit he is.
	Like, the place is...
	But it's funny, because the place is, like, a total mess, right?
	There's, like, pizza kind of, like, strewn around and stuff.
	But there's also a Christmas tree.
	Yeah.
	Like, a decorated Christmas tree.
	And I'm like, wait, so this guy...
	They should have maybe at one point say, like, well, good thing I never took that tree down because it's Christmas again.
	That would have made some sense.
	Yeah, that would have been good.
	No, yeah, you're right.
	If, like, I don't have the energy to clean up my apartment, I'm sure as shit not going to go out and get a tree and fucking set it up and decorate it.
	That's so funny.
	That's like downstream from having enough spoons to fucking tie your shoes or whatever.
	Yeah, okay, so back at the apartment, Nick gets, he's like watching something on TV and he gets a text from his dad who's like, hey, come have a drink with me.
	Let's get a shot.
	Oh yeah, let's get a shot.
	I'm around the corner.
	Let's get a shot.
	And Nick, like, smiles or something, and then the dad texts again, I know you just rolled your eyes.
	And he's like, oh, how did he know?
	And I was like, that's not what you did at all.
	That's not what I saw on camera.
	But anyway, so he goes and gets a shot.
	With his dad at the bar.
	And John Schneider, Dusty, he's like happy.
	His son finally has a job.
	And he's like, you're proving anyone can change.
	And the son, Nick, says easy for you.
	I'm quoting this verbatim.
	Easy for you to say you look like you just walked out of a cologne ad and you made Chief faster than any cop.
	Easy for you to say.
	You're 9 inches uncut.
	Any woman or son would be lucky to have you.
	Yeah, absolutely.
	Good for you, Dad.
	Look at you.
	Look at all the opportunity you had.
	You're 55, but you look 30. You've got just panty-soaking eyes anyone would get lost in.
	Must be nice.
	I didn't get that from you.
	Why am I aging worse than you, Dad?
	Are you really my dad, Dad?
	I think he's just happy to be there with his dad, no matter the differences between them.
	True.
	One thing I like about this scene, though, is because...
	So they are implying the whole time, and they do say at some point that he was an alcoholic, right?
	And so it's like, what?
	A shot?
	That's crazy.
	Why are you getting a shot with your alcoholic son?
	But they were talking about espresso.
	And they make you think it's nighttime when he gets the text.
	But then he goes around the corner and they're getting espresso.
	Got it.
	Okay.
	And so that was actually a huge thing.
	And then also the music in the coffee shop is so good.
	Oh, the music is live music being played by, yeah, a fat guy with a beard.
	And he's singing Christmas carols.
	On a cigar box guitar that he's, like, not even being close to doing anything relatively close to what the sound sounds like.
	Yeah, I love that.
	It's easy for you to say, you're fucking sexy and dreamy.
	What about me?
	God, it must be nice to be a babe, Dad.
	Dad asks the son my favorite question, so are you going to move up in the company?
	Yeah, yeah.
	They're gonna let you drive soon?
	That's the only thing I can think of.
	This is like back when I thought that it was a good union job.
	I was like, this question is so...
	You already have the career.
	That's the thing about being in a union is like...
	Supposedly, theoretically, at a lower level job, you can still make a living off of it and retire.
	There's no moving up within the company.
	There's just a standard of living throughout the workforce in the company.
	I had some Starbucks that I used to deliver to and was friends with.
	One of the guys was like, yeah, so you're going to try to go for a promotion?
	Yeah.
	And I was like, what?
	What are you talking?
	He's like, you know, like going to management or something.
	I'm like, no, dude.
	Why would I do that?
	He's like, oh, so you're just okay with being a delivery driver, huh?
	Like, you work at Starbucks, my man.
	Like, glass houses, bro.
	And that's no shots at anybody who works at a coffee shop.
	But it's just like, what are you talking?
	You should know better.
	You fucking weirdo.
	What are you talking about?
	The thing about working at Starbucks is that if you do work hard enough, you can become a shift manager, then an assistant manager, then a manager, then a district manager.
	But not really...
	But that's what you're told, and that's why you don't want to get a union, so you can keep making those moves.
	Right, so if you get up to district manager, then that's worth it, right?
	Like shift manager, what?
	You're probably making a dollar more?
	Two dollars more?
	I mean, shift managers around here can make like 22 bucks an hour.
	I'm not talking about total pay.
	You know what I mean?
	For all the extra responsibilities you have as a shift manager...
	Seems like a big headache if it's only for a dollar.
	Anyway.
	Also, it's been like two days, Dad.
	No wonder why a guy is so depressed.
	He's never going to be good enough for you.
	It's been two days.
	And you're like, so are you going to move on up the chain?
	Yeah, it's just ridiculous.
	Because he says, we both know you're better than this.
	And that's like, again, another implication that being a sanitation worker is disgusting, filthy, like you're an untouchable, essentially.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, this is where we find out, yeah, the son was like a PTSD alcoholic troop who's like...
	Struggling to confront what happened.
	John Schneider brings up Lisa, who's the girlfriend, but you kind of don't know what their relationship is.
	He just brings up, like, oh, well, me and Lisa are trying to work things out or whatever.
	And the son says, oh, Lisa, my favorite cheerleader.
	And so I hear that, and I'm like...
	Okay, so John Schneider is also dating a cheerleader.
	He looks like he walked out of a cologne ad.
	He's the fastest chief of police ever in fucking history.
	And he's also fucking like a cheerleader from the Sun's old high school.
	That's exactly what I thought.
	That's exactly what I thought.
	I was like, damn, and he's like nailing your crush.
	That's for sure what's happening right here, right?
	But we were both just reading way too much into it because what he means is just like he was, you know, sarcastically, oh, my cheerleader for my recovery.
	Like she hates she hates my guts.
	So she's my best cheerleader, which is just an odd way to express that sentiment.
	Because I have John Schneider's dating a cheerleader.
	Yeah, because he goes, oh, Lisa, my favorite cheerleader.
	Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
	And I was like, are you fucking putting your stepmom in the spank bank, dude?
	What is going on?
	Because he's not this guy.
	This actor is not very good.
	So he can't like he can only do that in a way that sounds like horny.
	Like, he's putting both his parents in the spank bank.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Sometimes I just think about what you guys do together.
	That's kind of cool.
	Yeah, okay.
	And then we get back to, like, on the subject of his service.
	And this is where John Schneider says, father and son serving in the same war 20 years apart.
	How wild is that?
	But we made it.
	That's the important thing.
	And, like, none of this math makes any sense.
	There's no math that you can justify what they're saying right now.
	It makes no sense.
	Well, that is a thing.
	That is, like, a news story.
	It absolutely is, but not for these two.
	You could say John Schneider was, like, at the end of his career in the Afghanistan war, maybe, as, like, a fucking, you know, a high-up officer or something like that.
	But this is, like...
	The way this is delivered as a cool thing.
	Like, hey, we're just father and son troop veterans of the same war.
	That's...
	I don't know, like they're maybe looking at it as like a warrior's legacy or something like that.
	But it's funny because you could look at this moment as a moment of zero self-awareness, right?
	Like that's not a good thing.
	That should be an obviously like dystopic kind of thing.
	That's like an Orwellian thing.
	We've always been at war, you know?
	And you're like, there's zero self-awareness that you would say, hey, that's cool.
	But then you're like, oh, well, it's the character saying that.
	Like, okay, it's just like, I guess, a poorly sketched character.
	That's how you would defend that line or whatever.
	But because of the nature of this entire effort, this entire movie, it's made like by and for conservatives.
	You can point to the writers and actors having zero self-awareness for filming this and putting it in their movie.
	Like, as a right-wing soldier guy, why would you want this little factoid to be presented to your audience or whatever?
	And it's just because they themselves, the actors and producers, writers of this movie, are to some degree poorly sketched characters who do not interrogate this sort of thing when they put it on the screen.
	Well, it's even, you know, in the writing of this, they do this thing, too.
	The chief says to his son something like, we were in the same war, but, you know, I didn't have it like you had it.
	All your friends died.
	Like, my friends didn't die.
	Like, all your friends died.
	And also, when I came home, I became the chief of police.
	So, like, it's also this thing, too, where it's like, A generational thing?
	Where it's...
	Even though we had the same opportunities because we were both, like, vets coming out, I'm still doing it better.
	Like, the millennials still can't do it as good as the boomers did it.
	And there very much was this vibe of, like, even though they had the same opportunity, he's still my fuck-up son because he's a dumb, dumb young fuck-up who, like...
	I'm gonna, like, enable a lot is what he does in this movie.
	Yeah, it's weird.
	Like, I have that...
	Here, I love how they make Nick, the son, they have to make him a troupe so the audience doesn't completely hate him.
	Yeah.
	I don't know, like you raised a snowflake, like they would be mad at John Schneider for this kid if he didn't have the excuse of being a troupe, being like shell-shocked or whatever.
	You know, he can't get out of bed or he's addicted to drugs or whatever.
	No, well, it's okay because he's a troupe.
	You know, he says, we made it.
	We served in the same war, but we made it.
	That's the important thing.
	And the son says, we got lucky.
	And then John Schneider says, no, we're blessed.
	It's like, oh, okay.
	Wow, I feel so much better now, man, that all my fucking friends die.
	I guess they were cursed.
	Oh, that's a good way of looking at it.
	Yeah.
	John Schneider, Dusty, police chief Dusty, calls his girlfriend on the phone.
	She basically like fucking hates him and they're on the verge of breaking up because his son has PTSD. Because he like flakes on plans to bail his son out.
	Something like that.
	And I'm like...
	No, she literally was waiting at dinner for him when he was getting the son out.
	This makes no sense either because he was getting the son out of prison.
	Right?
	At a jail.
	And he was supposed to be at dinner with her.
	So she's like, totally right.
	She was like, you could have just called me.
	Like, she said, you could have told me what was going on.
	And what's funny is, when he gets him out of jail, he's like in his uniform.
	He's in his uniform and it's like broad daylight outside and the trash truck is still on its route.
	So this is like 9am or something?
	Yeah.
	Anyway, she's just like, I hate your son.
	You care too much about your son.
	You need to pick between me or your son or something like that.
	Or like...
	He's too much of a part of your life, and it's like, what is your guy's relationship?
	Totally.
	Because you guys are both 55 years old or something like that.
	Your boyfriend and girlfriend?
	And you're still making specific dates to go out and do things?
	How far along the relationship is this?
	It's so weird.
	It's such a weird relationship.
	It's long enough for her to say, you have to choose between us.
	She's like, we need a Nick break.
	We need a break from Nick.
	I need you to not be...
	Right, how are you this involved in the family but you don't even live together?
	It doesn't make any sense.
	And then they go out to dinner at 5.30 because she's like We're old.
	You better take me out to dinner at 5.30 instead of 8 or whatever it is.
	And so, yeah, it's like this weird golden years romantic thing they try to do with John Schneider now because they still want him to be a sex symbol, but it's just in this wholesome, Christian-appropriate way.
	I think they did some of it in To Die For, too.
	Yeah, in this way where it's like your son thinks you're hot kind of way.
	It's more wholesome when your son thinks you're hot.
	Okay, so the cop's son, Nick, and his uncle that he's with, Mike, who shows him the ropes of being a trash guy, and I don't mean a sanitation worker, I mean a guy who dives into the trash and plays around with it and stuff.
	They get a job, they get a contract to destroy the cancelled Mason Stone toys.
	They get, you know, contracted by this warehouse, and we're introduced to this warehouse character.
	I don't know where they find the black people for these movies.
	There's two black guys in this movie, and they both play, like, caricatures.
	But not of black people, just of, like, loud...
	They're, like, cartoony...
	Yeah, they're cartoony.
	The warehouse manager's real sassy.
	Yeah, he's real sassy.
	He's anal, but he's also an idiot.
	I don't know.
	It's a very weird character.
	Isn't it funny that Terrence K. Williams isn't in any of these shitty movies?
	I wonder whose fault that is.
	It must be...
	He's got to just put the feelers out.
	He's got to link and build, you know?
	I should tell him.
	If I ever meet Terrence K. Williams, I'm going to say, so, you content with just selling pancakes?
	Yeah.
	Do you want to break into Hollywood?
	Don't want anything better for yourself?
	We both know you're better than this, Terrence.
	Do you have the number of the Farrelly brothers?
	Because I think we can make something happen.
	Link and build, baby.
	I think he could have played this facility's manager part really well.
	Absolutely, yeah.
	He's just a sassy, overbearing manager of this facility.
	It's hundreds of boxes they're supposed to be moving, dumping into this trash truck.
	They're hauling it to the landfill and But it's just, I don't know, you would, I feel like, want a more open box situation than having to go through the back of a garbage truck for this, because you can only put like three boxes in at a time, and then you have to smash them, and then you put, just very odd, you know, do like garbage companies get contracted for this sort of a job anyway?
	I don't think so.
	It would be like a mover situation.
	You'd have a box truck, and you'd stack like 144 of these boxes inside the truck.
	Yeah, you would transport them how you were planning on transporting them, just to the dump.
	It's very stupid.
	But yeah, so they open one of the boxes, and it's the toy, and it's never been released.
	And it turns out the uncle is a weird toy guy who watches toy videos on, not YouTube, but Rumble, which is where we had to watch this movie.
	We had to pay $20 to see this movie.
	So thank you for supporting our efforts, folks.
	It's like we said, right now Patreon's more important than ever.
	We are spending $20 on Rumble and that hurts.
	The uncle starts showing him the toy videos on Rumble and it's Hornswoggle who's a little person wrestler acting in this.
	He's got long hair and tattoos.
	He's kind of like He seems more like a dirtbag type, but they're trying to make him like a nerd in this, like a soy nerd who has a catchphrase about how happy he is.
	He's got a jiggle like jelly, so you have to hear him say jiggle like jelly and other characters say jiggle like jelly at the little person.
	So what's funny is, I only know because I just watched this movie, it's the same character from Elf.
	It's the same character who writes the children's books, who does this thing for children, but has lots of success and is kind of an asshole about it.
	Kind of.
	That character did not like being called whimsical or an elf or anything.
	That guy was like a real guy who fucking beat the shit out of Will Ferrell for calling him an elf.
	This guy is like, please tell me my favorite catchphrase.
	I'm gonna jiggle like jelly if I see...
	That's on camera, though.
	That's on camera.
	Well, I think he was just like a business guy.
	He was like a cutthroat business guy who wanted the toys and was willing to be violent about it or whatever.
	But no, he's supposed to be like a weirdo YouTube soy face thumbnail guy.
	Which, yeah, it's very funny that that's kind of what this plot is.
	It's about rescuing a toy from the trash.
	And it goes to the kids eventually.
	It becomes about kids getting the toy.
	But the impetus is like...
	Because adults are infatuated with figurines.
	And it's his uncle who knows how much this thing is worth.
	And it's the conservative toy guy on Rumble who's jiggling like jelly over new toys or whatever.
	Nick, of course, gets the idea that he's going to sell them.
	If they're worth a lot of money, I'm going to sell them.
	But that doesn't come up for another fucking 20 minutes.
	This scene drags out and kind of a lot happens in it.
	I think I have a different scene next.
	What else happens in this scene?
	So many of these scenes do drag out and go on for way too long.
	It might have flashed away and then flashed back to them in the warehouse.
	Right, because they cut back to them in the warehouse and they're looking at all the toys inside the boxes and And I think Nick is trying to rationalize, well, they only got canceled because some college kid got triggered.
	And it's like, bro, you got so triggered you became an alcoholic about it.
	I'd maybe think about having some empathy for other people in your situation, you know?
	Then we get, I think, another scene where his uncle invites him to a Christmas roast.
	They're going to roast a pig on the driveway.
	Whole pig.
	Whole pig.
	Man, it makes the neighbors angry.
	They're PETA neighbors.
	Makes the PETA neighbors angry, he says.
	Yeah, again, just like pulling memes from the headline.
	Like, what PETA neighbors do you have?
	Like, what Arizona sub-suburban people have fucking PETA things in their window?
	I'm willing to bet, like,.001% of the population, you know?
	Yeah, because PETA's, like, not real.
	PETA's, like, a...
	It's not a real...
	No one has a PETA thing.
	Yeah, they're just, like, repeating Babylon Bee jokes, essentially.
	Yeah.
	Um...
	Yeah, so he invites him to this Christmas roast party and Nick accepts, but then he's like, well, I'm going to get going.
	And then the uncle makes fun of him for like another two minutes for asking for permission to leave because Nick said, I'm going to get going.
	And he's like...
	Oh, what?
	Do you need my permission to leave, huh, baby?
	Huh?
	You need me to tuck you in at night?
	And it just goes on, and it's so bizarre.
	Like, I don't, like, where did this joke come from?
	What is it?
	Is this how the writer's friends joked with him about when he says, I'm gonna go?
	This is an important moment.
	This is the uncle saying, this is the uncle saying, I have nothing else to show you now.
	You can go, you're on your own.
	Look at you.
	You've now, you can now go take your breaks when you want to.
	I'm not your boss.
	I think this is where he also gives Nick the Santa hat.
	Is this the same scene?
	He gives Nick a Santa hat, and then Nick's like, wait, you didn't pull this out of the garbage, did you?
	And he's like, no, of course not!
	And then Nick's like, oh, okay, cool.
	And that's it.
	And he's like, something I've been wanting to do for a really long time.
	Something I've been looking forward to doing.
	And it's, yeah, it's a Santa hat.
	And yeah, he just believes it.
	Even though they've been taking stuff out of the trash the whole time.
	Like, Nick found a DVD of this exact movie earlier in the movie.
	Like, they've been taking stuff from the trash the whole time.
	Yeah, I think it was supposed to be a joke like the uncle was pretending like it was a big deal and a big moment, but it was just something he found in the trash.
	But the chemistry between them, like the rapport and the deliveries are all so fucking bad.
	You can't scrutinize a joke out of this.
	Okay, and then they're on the route again later.
	It's like the next day or something, and Nick's getting garbage.
	And then he just starts talking to this little kid on the other side of the fence for no reason.
	And this is where I learned his name was Nick because his sanitation uniform has the name tag Nick on it.
	And he's also wearing the shitty Santa Claus hat.
	And I was like, oh, Saint Nick.
	I get it.
	Boom.
	But no one ever says that.
	Nope.
	That's never...
	You heard me realize it earlier in the episode.
	That's never part of the movie that the kid is like, wow, you're a Santa's help.
	You're Saint Nick.
	You know, it's not there.
	It's just, I don't know.
	You know, he's like, oh, what's wrong, child?
	And the kid's like, I'm poor.
	And Nick is like, oh, well, maybe Santa will bring you something.
	And I'm like, that's not how Santa works, man.
	Like, what are you talking about?
	And then so he's like, oh, let me look at your bike chain, boy.
	Let me look at your bike chain.
	Let me see if it's broken or if you can fix it.
	And then he looks down on it.
	And he goes, oh, it's broken.
	Like, that's how this movie rolls.
	That's the pace of this movie.
	It's very weird.
	Like, visually, it looks fine.
	It looks like a B-movie or straight-to-streaming or DVD movie.
	But the pacing is like, the kid's like, oh, my bike chain broke.
	Nick is like, hmm, is it broken or did it just come off?
	And he's like, oh, I don't know.
	He's like, let me take a look at it.
	And then he looks down at it and then he stands back up and he's like, yep, it's broken.
	I'm like, why did we fucking have this scene?
	Why was that 90 seconds in this movie?
	You know what pissed me off so bad is when he says, well, is it busted or did it just fall off?
	And then the kid's like, nope, it for sure didn't just fall off, it's for sure busted.
	Someone threw a rock at it and the rock busted the chain.
	But the thing is, they show the fallen off chain.
	They show the intact chain.
	I don't know.
	It could be both.
	It could have fallen off and be broken.
	No, no, no.
	That's not how it works.
	That's not how it works.
	The thing is, no one would have batted an eye if he didn't say what really happened.
	If he just wouldn't have said...
	If he didn't talk about the falling off part...
	But I think they're all little experts.
	Everyone knows chains fall off.
	They're going to call this out right away.
	We've got to cover our bases.
	We've got to prove to the audience that it's not just falling off.
	This kid can't be a little idiot.
	We gotta use this kid throughout the movie.
	We can't make this kid dumb.
	It can't just be falling off.
	And the kid's like, man, they always do this to me.
	And again, the adult man who's supposed to be doing his job is like, who does this to you?
	And the kid's like, the bullies, I get bullied, they threw rocks at me and one of the rocks broke my bike chain and I'm like, that's not how that happens.
	But then Nick goes, they threw rocks at you.
	What is this, the West Bank?
	Yeah.
	Which is kind of funny, because if you really think about it, like, that's another indictment of America.
	Yeah, it doesn't look good for Israel if you acknowledge that that's what the one side of the war is, is kids throwing rocks.
	Again, like, what is the child violence that the West Bank is known for?
	Throwing rocks.
	What's the child violence that America is known for?
	School shootings?
	I think that the rocks are, you know, it's kind of a good look for kids.
	Yeah, that is a kid thing.
	It's so weird to be like, oh, you burned yourself on the stove?
	What is this, Auschwitz?
	What the fuck is wrong with you?
	Don't make me think about one of the worst consequences of right-wing ideology in action in your conservative movie.
	Also, don't you want kids to throw rocks again?
	Isn't that what you want?
	Don't you want kids to go out there and get scuffed up and rough again?
	Normal kids shit.
	Slingshots and shit.
	Yeah, so he says that, you know, what is this, the West Bank?
	And then he goes, hey, where do you live?
	To the kids.
	So weird.
	And I'm like, this is getting interesting.
	Is he going to give the kid a ride in the trash truck?
	Is he going to take the kid home or whatever?
	Because I can see this movie doing that despite it being incredibly inappropriate.
	But then the bullies come up and what?
	They're girls.
	They're girls on bikes.
	And then they yell at Nick.
	Jingle smells.
	They sing it.
	They sing the whole song at him.
	And then, yeah, he does give the kid a ride home.
	I love that scene because it's like two normal-ass, borderline, nerdy girls who are older than this kid who are picking on him.
	And they're also really funny and they had a song ready to go to make fun of this trash man who's wearing a Santa hat.
	Except they sing Jingle Smells but they're singing the Yankee Doodle Dandy melody.
	They're not actually singing Jingle Bells.
	No.
	Well, Santa's picking up garbage now.
	Do you smell that?
	Yeah, it's Santa's garbage truck.
	Gross.
	Where your elves jingle smells.
	Jingle smells, jingle smells, stinking all the way.
	I don't know, it's odd.
	Anyway, we need to move on from this.
	Yeah.
	I mean, that is the moment in the movie where they say the name.
	It's pretty important.
	Right.
	Okay, yeah.
	No, he gives the kid a ride home.
	And I'm just like, hmm.
	Very interesting.
	This is where he tells his uncle, where Nick tells his uncle, he has a gift for him.
	I have a gift for you.
	And it's like all wrapped up and he hands it over and then the uncle opens it and it's just one of the toys.
	One of the thousands of the same toy.
	Like, there's three toys and there's thousands of each one of them.
	I was like, this was like melting my brain.
	I was like, is this present and elaborate way for him to say, hey, do you want to be in on the grift with me to steal these toys?
	But he doesn't ever, like, come out and say, I am going to start flipping these toys even after the uncle accepts the toy.
	It's just, I think what this is, is he was probably videotaping the uncle, and now he's got, like, an Epstein-level blackmail on the uncle when the uncle wants to go to the feds about the fucking toy ring he's got.
	He's like, let's watch a little video first.
	Yeah.
	You seem real excited about this toy in your hands.
	And actually it looks like you're giving it to me.
	I think you're playing that in reverse.
	Is this you wrapping a gift and playing it to me?
	Giving it to me?
	The uncle is like, sure, yeah, it's not wrong if it's someone's trash.
	Nick convinces him that it's okay to take it because the company's throwing it away.
	So it's not actually stealing.
	The uncle feels bad because it's worth a lot of money, and so maybe that's what's making it feel weird, but he eventually takes the toy.
	Cut to the CEO, Eric Roberts, again, the CEO of this toy company, wondering if the Mason Stone cancellation is going to blow over.
	He's got a lawyer who's doing an Italian accent sometimes, and then a Brooklyn Jewish accent, or a very nasally accent most of the time, I would say.
	It is a smattering of East Coast accents.
	All offensive in different directions.
	I think what we're all saying is we need to move forward and focus on what's next and move away from this Mason Stone mess.
	I hope there is a next.
	It's Christmas.
	We pulled our top sellers to pacify the participation trophy generation.
	Now do we have anything that's actually selling anywhere?
	Sure we do.
	What about the test run on the military monster line?
	Inappropriate for kids.
	He's definitely portraying a slimy lawyer and may have happened upon a Jewish accent by accident.
	Maybe?
	I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.
	That's what it sounded like a lot to me throughout this.
	Yeah, he has some wise guy moments, but yeah, you're definitely right there.
	Yeah, the lawyer is like, just be grateful he didn't do anything bad.
	Yeah.
	And Eric Roberts says, he didn't do anything at all!
	And then the woman in there, I don't know what her role in the company is, but she's the other person in the company of these three who is the worst actor I've ever seen in my life.
	She says, because again, Eric Roberts says, he didn't do anything at all!
	She says, that doesn't matter anymore.
	What matters is the perception that he did.
	Yep.
	And then Eric Roberts says, when is this cancelled culture nonsense gonna stop?
	And then she says, they don't like that term anymore.
	They're calling it accountability culture.
	And this is like a prime example of when conservatives dunk on the meme that they created and Mm-hmm.
	You know, like, making up a guy to make, like, it was all, cancel culture was always the reactionary name for what was happening.
	Yeah.
	Really stupid jokes.
	They're not, they don't like that term anymore.
	Yeah.
	Very stupid.
	You might get canceled if you say cancel culture.
	Don't do that.
	And Eric Roberts, CEO, says, why don't we just build a pink box and label it a safe space?
	Yep, yep.
	And of course, the slimy lawyer is like, hey, that's actually a good idea.
	Let's get going on that.
	And then Eric Roberts continues, he's like, I was joking!
	And he says, accountability used to mean there's proof you did something wrong.
	And that's where I'm like, okay, now we're talking about rapists.
	Yep.
	Now we're talking about, like, what, Harvey Weinstein?
	Like, are you guys going to bat for, I mean, fuck, maybe.
	I wouldn't be surprised if this fucking law firm knew Harvey Weinstein back in the day, you know?
	Yeah, yeah.
	It's wild, because like you said, that's not what...
	You're saying we don't have to do shit unless there's lots of proof, is what they're saying.
	That's not really what we've ever said.
	Also, it doesn't apply to the situation, because there's a video of him doing the thing he got cancelled for.
	It's almost like in this moment they're implying he did do something else besides that, but that's never said.
	No, it's just part...
	They're just adding it in to add to their anti-cancellation manifesto.
	This could be another aspect of cancellation.
	There's no proof that you did anything.
	Just like fucking 15 witnesses, you know?
	Or 15 victims coming forward.
	And yeah, he says accountability used to mean there's proof you did something wrong.
	And she's like, you can't say that anymore!
	Yeah!
	It's so fucking stupid.
	The CEO's worried that they're going to go bankrupt because they don't have any toys to sell and because they also spent millions of dollars on the toys that they're destroying now.
	This shit wouldn't happen.
	You're destroying the way of making money because you're afraid of not making any money.
	Also, they do blow it in saying, this is going to cost us a million dollars.
	Flat million, which is like, go a little harder.
	You can say millions.
	We can look at the vague.
	That's not, cause honestly a big toy company. - I don't think they're that big though, because like, it seems like they have this, Yeah, true.
	Yeah, true.
	What are they called?
	They're called like Monster Military or something like that.
	And more on that later.
	Chief Dusty's, he's having dinner with Lisa.
	And this is where she's like, oh, if this is going to work between us, I need a Nick break.
	Yep.
	And it's like, what do you mean a Nick break?
	Like you only see each other on dates, it looks like.
	And then I see what they mean because Nick walks up to their dinner and...
	They both hate Nick.
	They're both like, what are you doing here?
	I'm on a date!
	Get out of here!
	And he's like, hey, why don't I just grab one of your rolls?
	Or he's like, hey, pops, how's it going?
	Here's money that I owe you.
	It's so funny that they're trying to make Nick the problem.
	And I'm like, this is just kind of like how a normal family would act.
	To be like...
	You'd come out, you'd see your dad when he's like out, and you'd just be like, oh hey, you're part of my family.
	I like ya.
	How's it going?
	Alright, I'll leave you to your dinner.
	But they're treating it like he's the fuck up for doing this.
	It's so odd.
	Totally.
	Well, what she's treating it like is like, oh, this is supposed to be a secret meal.
	She's like, why does Nick know where we're at?
	And he's like, why I left my location on.
	Which, that kind of makes sense.
	If you have...
	A relationship like that with your parent and your kid, like, yeah, you do have some problems where you might go off the deep end or something like that, that's a common thing that happens.
	People share locations with their parents all the time.
	So it's so funny that it's like, yeah, Nick is like, oh, he's at the restaurant.
	He doesn't go there by himself.
	I'm going to go flex right now.
	But he doesn't pull up a chair, which I thought he was going to do.
	He just gives the money and bounces.
	Yeah, very weird to try and make him the fuck-up slacker son.
	They did a really bad job of that.
	I think I didn't write down where Nick actually gives the toy.
	Nick takes one of the wrapped toys and leaves it at the kid.
	Silas is the kid's name.
	Leaves it at his door and he finds it.
	Right?
	Is this just how it happened?
	I think that just happened or it's about to just happen.
	But how does Silas know that he's the one who left it?
	He sees him leaving or something?
	No, he wrote Jingle Smells.
	He wrote Jingle Smells on it.
	Right.
	So he's giving this kid gifts anonymously.
	He has a secret name, a secret code name with this child that he's developing a relationship to.
	With, rather.
	And then, yeah, Silas does end up following Nick out of his neighborhood to thank him for the toy.
	But Nick says, hey, we don't talk about this.
	We don't talk about that out loud.
	Which doesn't help.
	Again, that's maybe the weirdest part about it.
	And then he said, Silas says, okay, but why?
	And then Nick says, because it's just between me and you.
	And the big guy.
	And I started laughing over what happened next because I was like, oh my god, it's just between me, you, and God.
	And if you've got a problem with that, I'll make sure you can take it up with him.
	Yeah, this is maybe the scariest moment of the film.
	So insane, but no, right after this, he says, and the big guy, Silas says, the president?
	And then Nick says, oh god, no, don't go near him.
	And so that's like a joke about Biden's sniffing Silas or whatever.
	Yeah, being a pedophile at least.
	Yeah, totally crazy.
	Man, befriending a child, giving him gifts, having a secret relationship with him.
	It really sounds like something a freaking pedophile like Joe Biden would do.
	I was like, this is amazing.
	And Ani was like, because Ani watched this with me, God bless her.
	Ani was like, they got to address this later.
	They gotta hang a lantern on it or, like, reference that it's a bad idea to befriend an adult stranger and confide in them and accept gifts from them and shit.
	But no, he's, like, literally grooming this kid.
	It's so fucking crazy.
	Also, like, his mom sees the gift and his mom sees the gifts from...
	Because at first he's like, Mom, you got me a gift and she's like, Oh, no, I didn't.
	And then he sees it from somebody else.
	Like, Mom would...
	If that happened to me, I'd be like, no, you need to tell me who this is.
	I need to know who this is.
	What the fuck is this?
	Why do they know where we live, dude?
	What's going on?
	Well, they're arguing, and she's like, no, Silas, I really didn't give you that gift.
	And I'm like, that's right.
	Get to fucking sniff out jingle smells.
	Get them out of here.
	Also, their idea of poor people is so funny, because like, Yes, it absolutely happens.
	It happens all the time to where, like, you know, kids don't get any gifts, right?
	But he's like, I get no gifts.
	I get zero gifts.
	He says he gets, like, socks for Christmas.
	He gets socks.
	But, like, as somebody who's, like, only had poor parents, like, that's why they're poor, is because they're still, they're gonna get you one action figure and a CD. Right.
	Like, But this whole neighborhood, no kids.
	He's like, no one on my street.
	Everyone on my street is very poor.
	All the kids on my street, they're just so desperate for gifts.
	And Nick is like, what are their addresses?
	Yeah.
	He's like, well, that's my street.
	Every kid on my street.
	No, he literally says, like, give me their addresses.
	He sends Silas back to recruit more kids.
	I need all their addresses.
	I need to know exactly where to go.
	He prefaces this.
	I'm just remembering in my notes.
	He says, alright, this might be the biggest secret you ever have to keep.
	Yep, yep, yep.
	And then he says he's working for Santa.
	I'm working for Santa.
	I need all of your addresses.
	Because that's how this works.
	You want Santa to visit your house, right?
	You have to leave your door unlocked at night.
	There's some creep watching this movie just taking notes.
	I never thought about that.
	I can get a whole neighborhood this way?
	Just gotta get some gifts?
	Action figures?
	They're calling him the Pierre Noel pedophile.
	He's leaping from house to house.
	Bringing gifts and secrets.
	Just to think next in the movie, Nick's walking home from his job, but it's pitch black.
	There's just no consistency or continuity in this movie.
	And he walks past a Christmas tree farm, and he sees two adults urgently and seriously discussing, obviously being unable to afford the $250 or $350 Christmas tree.
	And they're fretting silently.
	You can't hear what they're saying.
	And then in the foreground, it sort of zooms out.
	And you see the Christmas tree farm owner literally kicking back in a chair, counting $20 bills.
	Like it's a 1990s music video.
	Yeah.
	It's so funny.
	I'm like, why did they do this?
	What is this trying to say?
	Are Christmas tree people gouging their customers?
	I mean, $350 is a lot for a tree you're going to throw out.
	Yeah, when I watched it, all I thought was, man, the rich get richer.
	The rich get richer.
	I mean, I get like...
	You could say it's like about the commercialization of Christmas, maybe, but the whole story revolves around a toy and how important it is for us to have our toys.
	Yeah.
	Okay, this is the charitable explanation of what happened.
	The Christmas tree farm owner represents the toy company who has more money than they could ever use and are wealthy, and he's going to redistribute that to the poor families who can't afford to buy toys, I guess.
	I don't know.
	The CEO of the company has to be the good guy and uncancel Mason Stone at the end of the movie so he can't be a rich miser that would help heighten this conflict if they wanted to say that about this.
	I'm just trying to help them out here.
	Being very generous.
	I thought maybe that's going to spur him on to redistributing the toys or something like that.
	Yeah, so he starts leaving the action figures at the kids' doorsteps.
	They're in, like, row homes or, like, a, you know, sort of apartment complex sort of thing.
	He's wearing, like, a llama ugly Christmas sweater.
	The llama is wearing sunglasses, and then he's got, like, a red bandana over his face, and then...
	The Santa hat.
	This is when you see that as they're opening the doors and discovering their presence the next day, one of the kids, his parents are the tree couple that was arguing about the tree.
	So he could make them have...
	He just knew that they were a family.
	He knew they had a kid that would appreciate a toy and it would serve as...
	Instead of a tree, your parents might not have been able to afford to get you a tree, but we got you a toy at least.
	Yeah, because honestly, if a couple's fighting over a tree that they can't afford, yeah, your priorities are real messed up unless you're doing it for a kid.
	Yeah, you shouldn't be buying a tree if you're having a hard time paying your bills.
	Well, you get something cute, like a bush or something, and light that up.
	Yeah, there you go.
	I did a cactus one year.
	It was real cute.
	We get back to Nick's apartment and it looks like he's squatting in it.
	It looks like someone severely mentally ill lives there.
	It looks extremely fucked up.
	He's doing well now.
	He's got a lust for life.
	He was never doing bad.
	You never see him drunk.
	You never see him drunk or struggle with anything except later in the movie he starts crying about his dead troop mates.
	But other than that, he's just like...
	Righteously angry about these toys and wants to make money off of them.
	He does a deal with Hornswoggle to sell him toys.
	I just kind of skipped over that because I didn't really care about that.
	But that's the more criminal element of this is that he's flipping them to make money at the same time.
	But...
	He's giving more toys to kids and it's hurting his business with Hornswoggle as well because those are the toys he was supposed to give to Hornswoggle and so he's like yeah he's out for blood um Okay, then we get another really long scene of the manager explaining why the garbage guys aren't allowed inside the warehouse anymore because the CEO of the toy company saw a news broadcast on Jingle Smells.
	Jingle Smells left us a bunch of toys.
	And, um, it's like nobody's supposed to have that toy, right?
	And it's like Eric Roberts, again, like 90-year-old Eric Roberts with dentures, like, eating a sandwich or watching him, like, put a sandwich up, like, shaky sandwich.
	What was the sandwich about?
	It was so he could crush it as, like, a gag take.
	Oh, yeah.
	Like, a reaction take.
	Um, yeah, very...
	I'm glad it went that way.
	I did not want to have to see him put that in his mouth.
	Um...
	It looks like shit, too.
	So, yeah, the manager explains that because, you know, the company knows that somebody has the toys, their services are no longer required.
	Wouldn't you just immediately have them arrested?
	They're obviously the ones doing it.
	That's the warehouse with all the toys.
	Yeah, that's the whole point.
	They're the ones you hired to dispose of the toys.
	It's the same thing with the uncle not realizing this whole time what's going on, or at least he says he knew it the whole time at the end of this movie.
	It's like, you're not acting like you know at all What Nick is doing.
	Like, you don't talk to him about it.
	Because you would have to write a scene of a conversation with them where there would have to be, like, some nuance to it where Michael could imply that he knows.
	But if you did know it, why were you not more concerned about your role in this?
	Yeah, totally.
	If you know about this, then you're also going to get in trouble.
	Right, that's why him accepting one should have been a bigger moment.
	It should have been like, this is the official go-ahead, and then maybe just, I don't want to know anything about it.
	That's all you have to say.
	But no, he has to lose respect for Nick when he finds out Nick was making money on him.
	Yeah, exactly.
	That was what he was talking about the whole time.
	Anyway, the manager gives his long speech about how they're not allowed in the warehouse anymore.
	He says, And then Nick is later able to figure out the four-digit code is Charlie Daniels' birthday.
	I love that.
	Sure.
	Is Charlie Daniels a big deal in Arizona?
	Is that why this...
	Black warehouse manager is a huge Charlie Daniels fan.
	I think the writers like Charlie Daniels.
	That's probably it.
	And so it's a quirky thing for them to give a character, you know, to be like a super fan of Charlie Daniels randomly.
	I think it's supposed to be so random.
	I think that's a little bit...
	I love it when the security guard gives you the clue that you're going to need to open the door to the next level in the video game.
	It's pretty cool.
	Yeah.
	So now he's just stealing boxes from the locked warehouse.
	He breaks into the warehouse and steals the toys, I think, so he can give them to Lisa's underprivileged children, because we find out that the girlfriend, Lisa, is actually, like, a fucking social worker or something, or a nurse, some sort of healthcare worker or something, who, like, volunteers at the underprivileged kids' shelter.
	And it's like, then why is she telling you to, like...
	Cut your son off and all this shit.
	It's so funny.
	Well, probably because he's a grown-ass man.
	He does need to, like, you know...
	I'm glad that this last enablement is sticking a little bit, you know?
	But yeah.
	Yeah, I think that Nick does need to kind of, like, get his shit together a little bit.
	Like, he's already cut off his...
	Like, his son doesn't live with him or anything.
	I don't know.
	She's like, don't answer the phone if your son calls you.
	That's what she means by cutting him out, like cutting him out of his life, you know?
	But anyway, we have to like redeem her for the end of the movie.
	So, oh, she works at a children's hospital, actually.
	And she catches Nick sneaking there.
	And there's a good line where he she's like, what are you what are you doing over here?
	And he's got the bandana over his face.
	And he's like, oh, I was just out getting some fresh air.
	And she goes, fresh air with a mask, right?
	Oh, I didn't even think about it that way.
	There's so many of these little like screeds, these little mini all caps posts throughout this movie.
	Yeah, I'm so sure.
	Fresh air with a mask on.
	Get out of my face.
	He's like, oh, I'm just out jogging.
	And she's like, no, you're not one of them.
	Okay, this is where the uncle finds out he's Jingle Smells.
	Because, yeah, Silas...
	Comes to him and he's like, oh, the other hospital now needs toys.
	And he's like, how many fucking hospitals are there?
	How many fucking sick kids are we talking about here?
	And he's like, I can't do it.
	Like, the heat's too high.
	Like, I'm going to go to prison because, yes, I did break into a fucking, you know, whatever million dollar company's warehouse.
	The uncle overhears this.
	He's like, listen, I knew your jingle smells the whole time.
	But now that I know you were selling them too, that's low.
	And then he says, Nick comes back with like, well, I'm not going to get rich picking up trash.
	And the uncle's like, well, why would you?
	You're a garbage man.
	Who cares?
	We do a service for the community.
	Yeah.
	The people who wrote this movie are such assholes.
	We're just garbage, man.
	We don't need money.
	We love garbage, and that's enough.
	We get paid in pride.
	It's basically how it was.
	We're the backbone of this community.
	We're the on-sung heroes, and that's why we do it.
	We don't do it for money.
	You think cops make a shit ton of money?
	No.
	No way.
	They do it for the love of it.
	Look at your dad.
	Look at your clearly broke dad, who's the chief of police.
	Right.
	They do it because someone has to.
	Oh yeah, I love this line from the uncle.
	He's talking about like jingle smells becoming like a national news story.
	And he's all, you went national.
	Like you had something good going.
	It was a beautiful world.
	You went national.
	For once, there was no cancel.
	There was no politics.
	And I love the way he said that.
	There was no cancel.
	There's no politics.
	There was no politics.
	Nick goes to church to yell at the cross.
	I don't even remember what he says.
	He doesn't know how to pray.
	He's trying to figure out how to pray or something.
	What's that?
	The troubadour, as he's called.
	The cigar box playing.
	A guy who looks curiously like Santa Claus.
	Like a hipster Santa Claus.
	I was going to say a gay Santa Claus.
	This guy is super gay.
	This guy is super gay.
	He looks like a bear.
	That's also why he's playing music the way he's playing it in the coffee shop and the restaurant.
	He looks great.
	He looks great.
	But he's also...
	His cadence is a little flamboyant.
	This is a gay Santa Claus.
	Like, do they know they were doing that?
	He looks like Otho from Beetlejuice.
	He looks like her pretentious art friend.
	Totally.
	Totally.
	But he's like...
	He's doing this fucking announcer voice the whole time.
	Like...
	And, I mean, coming from somebody who talks on a podcast for a living.
	This...
	Even this was too much.
	He's...
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	That's like...
	That is like...
	It's an announcer voice.
	It's supposed to be Santa, but it goes too far and too structured and becomes announcer voice.
	Yeah, it just sounds like fake voice.
	Yeah.
	And he's just like wrestling with the idea of if what he's doing is good or not, and Santa's like, or this guy...
	And he's like, well, if you're doing good for the world, then I would suppose that it is a good thing.
	Yeah, exactly.
	I was just like, what the fuck?
	But yeah, I love Santa essentially like talks Nick into stealing.
	Talk Nick into robbing the toy company to give to children, which I think is cool, which I agree with.
	Very cool.
	Except for this is the part that pissed me off the most in this movie because there was no implication of any Santa Claus being real in this movie.
	But now we have Santa Claus.
	The same Santa Claus who did not show up at Silas' house last year.
	Ha ha ha ha ha!
	Really?
	What the fuck is going on?
	You're so right.
	This whole thing is Santa Claus' fault.
	And you could argue it's God's fault.
	Right?
	God is the Santa Claus allegory and God's not doing shit for Silas and neither is Santa.
	Christmas is like any day now.
	You don't got time to be talking to this fucker like this guy in church.
	Also, why are you showing up in church?
	There's a whole other guy that's supposed to show up here.
	Right, yeah, totally.
	But his excuse, like Santa's reasoning, Santa's like just in overalls, his reasoning that what he's doing is good is that giving these toys to kids is actually extremely important because it restores the kids' faith.
	But he doesn't say what, but it's like, in Santa?
	And again, we're in a church.
	We're in a church having this conversation.
	It's so fucking funny.
	Again, also, like, are you, like, clout-chasing Santa?
	Like, you want me to deliver the gifts so they can believe in you?
	Like, why don't you go do that, my guy?
	Oh, are you gonna pay me an exposure?
	Like...
	I feel like the implication is faith in Santa is like faith in God, and it's like how you get a kid a pet to teach him responsibility, but you start off with something small like a fish.
	I feel like that's what they're arguing Santa is to God.
	And we've talked about this.
	I know you've talked about that.
	That's exactly my mentality.
	Yeah.
	But I think they're deliberately conflating those two.
	Faith and Santa.
	That's why it's left ambiguous.
	We need to teach kids to have faith.
	We need to teach kids to believe in fake stuff.
	It's so brutal because one day you might write a letter to Santa and you might get a stereo and a goldfish.
	But when you pray to God, your parents will still get both in prison at the same time in your teens.
	It doesn't really matter.
	It's a big leap.
	Well, that was for a reason, Tony.
	I think you know the reason now.
	I think you've seen...
	I think we're on the reason.
	I think we're doing the reason right now.
	It's all worth it.
	It's all worth it.
	No, Santa literally...
	Okay, here we go.
	Yeah, um...
	Those kids thought they had been abandoned.
	Is what he says.
	He says you need to give them faith because they thought they were abandoned.
	It's like, by whom?
	By whom, Santa?
	What are we doing here?
	So good.
	Yeah, it just looks like both you guys teamed up to abandon these kids.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Back to you.
	Okay, but then he literally says, again, to justify stealing the toys, he literally says, there was another man who was accused of breaking the law.
	Uh-huh, uh-huh.
	Which, again, like, I'm for it.
	You said it in a really annoying way, but I agree with you.
	Yeah.
	Absolutely.
	Okay, and oh yeah, he had his elves appear in the room with him.
	Which is a really funny choice.
	They have these all children versus like these shining twins pop up out of nowhere and they comply with their elves and they have another kid being an elf.
	But what I love about that is like That they went for the kids version of elves instead of trying to do a perspective shot with adults or using a little person.
	Yeah, a lot of this is ripped from the Santa Claus, so they used that technique as well.
	There you go, yeah.
	But it's also...
	They're also Sakulos, those kids...
	They're the writer and executive producer's relatives.
	All those kids, all three of them there are Sakulos.
	There's two other Sakulos.
	I thought that was like some Lord of the Rings thing I didn't know.
	That's the kid to get into the little cameo.
	That's amazing.
	They're wraiths.
	Every single one of them.
	Yeah, there's two other Sakulo actresses.
	The mayor at the end of the movie is played by a Sakulo.
	Good shit.
	There's a scene between Nick and the pastor when he's leaving because he's like, what the heck was that Santa?
	And he spins around and they're all gone.
	And so he runs into the other room and finds the pastor who's like watching rumble.
	He's watching toy videos in the other room.
	And then, you know, he's like, where's your janitor?
	And the guy's like, I don't have a janitor.
	And the next like, all right, well, there's something I got to go do.
	But it might land me in prison.
	I have to go do it, but it might land me in prison.
	He's gotta stop telling people that, because he's told a couple people now that he wants to do something, but it might land him in prison.
	You gotta stop.
	Don't do that.
	The pastor's like, no!
	Are you going to fucking relapse?
	Are you going to hurt somebody else?
	No, you can stay here tonight.
	We've got billiards, and you can raid the fridge for sodas.
	And he's like, we all hang out with you.
	And then Nick is like, you can tell on his face, he's like, oh, that's kind of gay, dude.
	He's like gross.
	He's like weirded out by it.
	That's like how the movie treats it now.
	That the pastor is just a weirdo who wants to hang out with him all night.
	I think maybe he was trying to prevent a murder or a suicide.
	Or something bad happening.
	It's pretty funny.
	I like that turn.
	So Nick, yeah, creeps over to the children's hospital, walking down the aisles like the Grinch.
	It's a pretty funny effect.
	It's super stupid because he's masked walking down the most brightly lit aisle you can imagine.
	He's about to go into the children's ward, but then his dad finds him.
	Uh, and, uh, his dad is like one over slightly.
	So he's all fine.
	Fine.
	Five minutes.
	You can go have fun.
	You can go have five minutes with the children.
	Additionally, his dad was concerned.
	Do you know what I mean?
	Like, yeah, totally.
	Yeah.
	Cause again, I don't know what five minutes means, but he's like, yeah, five minutes.
	Go for it.
	I mean, that's like the real it's, it's insane.
	This guy is making relationships with these kids, sneaking into their rooms at night, and his dad is a cop who's like, alright, I'll turn my eye this one time.
	You gotta make it quick.
	Yeah, I was gonna say, because he was concerned because he has his location on it, and he keeps seeing him going to all these kids' houses, and now he sees him going to the kids' ward.
	He's like, no, what's happening?
	Those ones are weak.
	You can't just go.
	No, no, I got gifts for him, Dad.
	I got gifts for him, Dad.
	Oh, okay.
	Nevermind.
	Oh, I know you were giving gifts.
	I didn't realize it was like a trade.
	So the cops, the rest of the cops show up and arrest Nick, but then they just take him to the warehouse.
	So wild.
	Very weird.
	Like, basically hired thugs for cash bro toys.
	The CEO, Eric Roberts, is there at the warehouse where the cops just bring...
	And I'm like, wow, this is some crazy, like, roadhouse shit.
	This is like some...
	Cool, like, political commentary, right?
	No.
	No.
	It's never treated as...
	Like, John Schneider shows up and never says anything about, why did you bring my son to a fucking warehouse with the CEO of Cashbro?
	It's never...
	It's never explained or anything.
	Because, yeah, because they're like, oh, we're not taking him straight to the jail.
	And, like, yeah, take him there for this interrogation.
	Nick, you said so wild.
	Why do they even bother making him the chief?
	He never, like, does any chief things...
	He doesn't really flex too hard.
	Remember he says earlier, yeah, you're right, he doesn't do nepotism.
	He's like a good chief.
	So he has to be a pushover.
	But you would write up anybody who just doesn't take the guy straight to jail, right?
	Yeah, very odd.
	At least he would be like, have you forgotten the rules or whatever, the oath you swore?
	You know, you could have given him a chance to be like the good cop, but instead you just portrayed the cops doing the literal footwork of the corporations.
	It's of the rich.
	Yeah, it's fucking great.
	And it's like, I mean, I guess you could maybe say that this is like cops enforcing cancel culture or something, but it's like, no, Nick likes like robbed goods.
	He's he.
	Yeah.
	Definitely stole shit several times over.
	I don't know how he managed to get away with it for whatever, the two weeks that this takes place in.
	And he sold them for thousands of dollars.
	He did sell them for thousands of dollars.
	I think they totaled thousands of dollars, but he sold them each for like $200 or something.
	But he had like hundreds.
	He had the whole stock.
	Jingle Smells rips in to the CEO. He's like, you're going to kowtow to the internet instead of releasing these toys?
	And the CEO is like, wait, maybe we shouldn't smash all these toys.
	And then he looks at the lawyer and he's like, your plan made sense, but now I don't know.
	And it's like, yeah, it's because that guy's doing elder abuse to you.
	You have no idea what's going on.
	You actually should not be standing that high up.
	Let's get you down from there.
	The plan was to smash the toys right there.
	Throw them in the back of the trash truck that's there in the middle of the night for some reason and smash all the toys.
	It becomes clear that the lawyer was actually pushing to cancel the toy because he wants his toy idea to succeed, which are the monster soldiers.
	They're called like the monster military.
	Military monsters.
	Military monsters.
	And it's like a mummy with a gun, which sounds great.
	It sounds better than a buff guy in a leotard who just like maybe his arms can move around or something.
	Absolutely.
	Absolutely.
	But there's one comment from the girl who works, the woman who works with him, where she's like, oh, all the guns weren't age-appropriate.
	And so I'm thinking, like...
	Oh, that's another aspect of cancel culture is that kids can't have toys with guns in them anymore.
	But then it's later revealed that the line of toys isn't selling well just because kids don't want them.
	And it's like, why?
	How does the lawyer have toys with the company?
	So, so cool.
	Such a cool way to write a movie.
	I fucking love it.
	It's so stupid, because, like, also, you know, not to be that person, but there's still plenty of toys with guns.
	Like, that's still a very prominent theme.
	Well, they weren't even making that point that I can tell, like...
	No, yeah, exactly.
	They didn't go for it, yeah.
	Yeah, and I also like the idea of monster soldiers is, like, a combination between the two types of toys in small soldiers, because it was the monsters versus the soldiers, and it's just, like, put them together, and you get monster soldiers.
	Yeah.
	Okay, the lawyer wants Nick to read an apology and tell all the kids to return their toys back to the warehouse or else he'll be arrested.
	And not only do the kids have to bring the toys back, they also have to do YouTube videos marketing military monsters.
	And the CEO finally is like, wait!
	Hold on.
	This is all about your military monsters.
	Yeah.
	It's like, yes, Grandpa, thank you for joining the conversation.
	Why do we leave him in charge again?
	Every character in this movie seems to understand something like a full scene after we understand it as the audience.
	And I think they do it so that they can get more juice out of that story beat of the uncle...
	quote, realizing that he was doing this the whole time.
	They need to have that be part of the end, you know, part of the third act or the end of the second act or whatever.
	So they have to just not address it the whole movie and it makes your character look Brain debt.
	Like, I don't know, just poorly written, you know?
	I think it's fan service.
	I think they are doing it so that the dumb idiots who are going to pay $20 to watch this movie feel like they're a step ahead.
	Because we always feel good feeling like they're a step ahead of the plot, you know?
	It's just too long, because you can risk making your characters look like dumbasses If you wait too long, you just need to be one step ahead of the character.
	That's the best way to do it.
	Okay, the town all shows up at the warehouse to come to his defense.
	And even Lisa, again, the dad's girlfriend, she storms up and she's like, don't you dare arrest Jingle Smells.
	And the lawyer says, he broke the law, Lisa.
	And I'm like, how does the lawyer know Lisa?
	What the fuck is happening?
	Lawyer doesn't even know Nick.
	Yeah, yeah.
	He's like, how do you know Lisa?
	But maybe the lawyer has a kid in there.
	Maybe that's why, maybe the lawyer has an insurance thing and that's why he's so desperate to make his toy go.
	The lawyer tries to get the crowd arrested and he says something like, they don't have a permit for assembly.
	And then the cop says, looks mostly peaceful to me.
	Yep, yep.
	And there's your Babylon Bee headline right there, and it's like, okay, so you're agreeing that mostly peaceful means peaceful?
	I don't know if they're doing it on purpose.
	It's such a bizarre...
	I mean, no, they're just saying the phrase.
	Mostly peaceful protest is the phrase you say.
	And if you see a protest and a time you can say it, it doesn't really matter if it's like what the makeup of the protest actually is.
	It's a funny thing to say.
	And then the crowd starts singing, jingle smells, and then one of the cops looks up at the CEO, looks up at Eric Roberts, and she's like, what are we doing here, Mr. Gravel?
	It's Christmas Eve.
	It's like, what are you talking about?
	You're literally taking orders from him?
	You're admitting that you're taking orders?
	It's so insane.
	And they do!
	That's the whole thing that's funny about that.
	Yeah, they do.
	The chief is right there and they're asking the CEO. I know.
	I love it.
	Then Mason Stone and the toy guy both show up to get mad.
	I love that.
	Hornswoggle to get mad and call the CEO a liar.
	And then finally the CEO caves to their pressure.
	And then Mason is embracing Eric Roberts and he's like, Hollywood doesn't matter.
	And the toy CEO, you know, Eric Roberts agrees.
	And it's like, but this is a Hollywood toy you're selling.
	Yeah.
	So bizarre.
	Such a bizarre movie.
	The whole time, the greasy lawyer is, like, trying to get them arrested and, you know, arguing with the CEO and being like, hey, hey, hey, I was behind it the whole time.
	He's standing in front of an open garbage truck.
	And I was like, when is he going to get shredded?
	I was hoping that so bad.
	He's got to get pushed into, like, Mason Stone is going to suplex him into this open garbage truck, right?
	Yeah, I was hoping.
	He runs off.
	He runs off screen.
	Very funny.
	He runs off screen after the CEO says, arrest that guy instead.
	Yeah, the CEO says, like, Eric Roberts says, arrest my lawyer, and then he says, for what?
	And then the cop is like, Huh, destruction of private property, maybe.
	There you go, yeah, yeah.
	Like, the cop invents a fake reason, because she means, like, the toys, but he hadn't destroyed any of the toys since he was fired, you know?
	It's the most authentic, like, portrayal of cops in this whole thing.
	It's amazing, yeah, and so then they chase him off screen, but then don't worry, Mason Stone is there to body check him, or, like, tackle him for the cops, and get him arrested.
	Um...
	And then now they're just feeding the homeless inside the toy warehouse.
	They're not even the homeless, they're just the poor kids.
	They're still just the poor kids.
	And then, yeah, I'm like, look, it's like they erected, yeah, like a soup kitchen inside this warehouse, which is insanely funny.
	And I was just like, I was waiting for, I don't know, like Nick or maybe Dusty to be like, hey, what if we had these homeless people deliver the toys to all the girls and boys and then we'll let them sleep inside the warehouse tonight?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	We'll tell them, hey, it's probably going to snow.
	It's Arizona.
	You're not maybe equipped for that.
	If you do all this work for us, we'll let you stay in the warehouse.
	And I was going to be like, well, that's belief.
	I know that.
	We watched that movie already, but they didn't do it.
	Yeah, that's biting.
	They can't bite that one.
	They're already leeching enough off Santa Claus, I guess.
	Yeah.
	Dusty and Lisa make up.
	He says, thanks for sticking up for Nick to her.
	And she says, well, hey, don't get used to it.
	And then they hug.
	And then Nick joins the hug.
	And both of them are like, hey, hey, hey.
	Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
	Don't hug us.
	We're not that cool yet.
	It's so weird.
	It's such a weird relationship they have with the son.
	They just, like, fucking hate him.
	Like, he's not even allowed to hug them.
	Like, I wonder why he's struggling with addiction, man.
	He feels very alone, probably.
	I think, like, the joke is, like, it's gay for him to hug them or something.
	That's kind of the vibe.
	It is gay to hug your dad's girlfriend.
	And then she's like, I'm still going to need regular Nick breaks.
	Yeah, love it.
	We were waiting for that.
	We knew she was still a bitch.
	Don't worry.
	I still don't like him very much.
	So we see a band playing like a rock and roll bar blues version of Jingle Bells at a club or something.
	Oh no, it's actually still in this warehouse.
	Uncle Mike goes up to Nick and he's like, Hey Nick, you brought your boombox!
	This is like Christmas at your house in 2000. What was it?
	Christmas new metal?
	And I'm like, what is happening?
	And then Nick says, that's not coming from me.
	And he points at, like, us, kind of.
	He points, like, at, you know, off-screen.
	Yeah.
	Where there's a band playing.
	And, like, it's right in front of them.
	He's pointing to it.
	It's a whole band.
	Whole-ass band.
	Like, two guitar players and a bass-type band and a singer.
	Yeah.
	I think maybe a lot of this stuff is they did need to fill the time.
	So they needed a scene here or something.
	And the best they could come up with is, oh, the uncle thinks that it's a boombox and not a band.
	But the uncle's not supposed to be fried or stoned or anything like that.
	I don't know.
	I don't get it at all.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, okay.
	And then Mason Stone, the actor, jumps into the scene and says, Surprise!
	I brought a band!
	And the band is just right there again.
	It's incredibly...
	It's jarring.
	It's a jarring experience.
	And it's the old man band.
	It's the super old man band that is apparently the cameo band.
	The Jay Siculo band.
	Yeah, this movie was written and executive produced by, I think, his son, Logan Siculo.
	And when you're watching the band play, I was like, who the fuck is this?
	Because the camera catches all their faces.
	Yeah.
	That's exactly what I was saying.
	I'm like, am I supposed to know who this is?
	The camera puts is on all of their faces, and it's like kind of other than the singer, like the first close-up you get is of the drummer.
	And the drummer, like the best way I could describe, the drummer is Jay Cicullo of the whatever National American Center for Law and Justice.
	That is who the drummer of this band is, is Jay Cicullo.
	He looks like Bob Costa, kind of.
	But, like, his body shrunk down by a third or something, but the head is the same size because the camera gets on this guy's face and he just fills up the screen.
	Uh...
	The songs that they have, the Jay Siculo band, are amazing.
	And we're definitely going to listen to them on Death Chat 500 this week.
	But I'll throw in a little brief.
	One of the songs is called Undemocratic.
	Heavy.
	And it's about how we're losing freedom in this country.
	About time someone wrote that song.
	Yeah, it's like a butt rock version of the Capitol Steps from what I can gather.
	So I'm very excited to listen to some of their songs this Saturday.
	Okay, yeah, Mason Stone gets a comeback movie playing Jingle Smells.
	He's going to be Jingle Smells.
	We see a clip of Sean Hannity's show where he reveals Jingle Smells' identity as Nick.
	He's ending this movie by Liat, looking at the camera and saying, Jingle smells his neck, a Marine who served in Afghanistan.
	Meaning, not only is he not a thief, as the big toy industrial complex would have you believe, but he is a warrior against cancel culture.
	He is an inspiration to children, and he also is a hero that we need to honor.
	So we're dedicating tonight's episode to Nick and his dad, Dusty, who also served in Afghanistan.
	Yep, yep, yep.
	There's something so cool about inventing a troop, making up a troop, so that you can thank them.
	This stuff sticks out to me because we know who Sean Hannity is.
	We know who John Schneider is.
	We know that there's, like, whatever, a purpose to writing this stuff.
	And it's just so funny to, like...
	I'm donating tonight's fake show to two fake troops.
	And what's funny about...
	What's even better about that is when you get to play a fake troupe.
	Yeah.
	When you get to be a fake troupe.
	That's even better.
	Extremely funny.
	Like, because you're playing yourself, and it's just like, wow, Sean Hannity is the kind of guy who would dedicate an episode of his show to the veterans.
	That's so true.
	And, okay, let's wrap up the movie.
	The movie ends on Santa Claus got a dirty job.
	One more time.
	I like this movie.
	I like the lesson of it.
	The lesson of this movie made by lawyers is that it's cool to break the law if it's for a good cause.
	Because it ends with, they're now making a Jingle Smells movie starring the cancelled Hollywood star and Nick is a producer on it.
	And so yeah, steal stuff, do crimes.
	They will just make a movie out of it and it will be sick.
	Yeah, go to church, talk to God, He'll tell you the same thing we did.
	If God won't, Santa will.
	Alright, long ass episode.
	Thanks.
	A little holiday treat for everybody.
	Thanks for supporting the show.
	Thanks for listening.
	I get some reviews of this show that I wanted to go through too, so maybe we'll do that on Saturday as well.
	Oh yeah.
	Hope to see everybody there.
	Patreon.com slash ManianDeathCold 5pm Pacific Standard Time every Saturday.
	We'll talk to you then.
	Peace.
	You know, John, I was just thinking, old Santa Claus, he's a big man.
	He visits over 300 million folks every year, and everywhere he goes, you know what he finds?
	What?
	Cookies.
	And he eats them.
	He's got it.
	He's Santa Claus.
	It'd be rude not to.
	I'm just saying, you wake up in the middle of the night, you see that big man in your house making a beeline for the bathroom, you best get out of his way, because, you know...
	Santa Claus got a dirty job.

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