By the way sweet-toots, I was only sitting a few rows behind you at a Final Four Basketball game about six years ago (preview) - DEATH CHAT 500 (04/29/23)
It’s the triumphant return of power-poster McB as we read LIVE from previously unreleased chapters of his magnum opus: Gents, Let’s Talk About Feminist. McB shares a wonderful thought experiment in which HE were the DA prosecuting a young man for drunkenly assaulting two police officers who have ZERO noticeable injuries (as opposed to the female DA who prosecuted him) plus McB's thoughts about other forms of gender racism, Ashley Judd, and the bad false news articles and irresponsible journalism stories written about him by a local newspaper. Listen to our previous episodes on the men’s rights icon here: The Ballad of McB w/Brett Payne Here: Alexander Reads McB And Here: Letters from a Tampa Bay Jail w/Brett Payne ----------------------------- Sign up for the full episode at http://patreon.com/miniondeathcult Support the show for $5/month and get a weekly bonus episode of Minion Death Cult as well as our brand new weekly live show: DEATH CHAT 500 (also available in podcast form). That's TWO bonus episodes a week delivered straight to your podcast app or browser Also get access to our entire back catalogue including BUTT FEST 2000 with Bryan Quinby; live-reads of My Antifa Lover, Rodham, and Ladies First: A MAGA Hat Romance; movie episodes like Believe, To Die For, and Loqueesha; and hundreds more.
Because the next sub-chapter is McBride, the prosecutor.
Normal, respectable, or traditional investigative work doesn't exist anymore.
If I have this case...
I call the bar first and speak to as many eyewitnesses as possible.
Okay, so this is now a manufactured example within the manufactured example of what if McBee were the prosecutor?
Yeah, hypothetically.
Maybe he should be.
I hope he takes the funds he got from this book to go to law school.
I don't want to spoil anything for you, but things turn out pretty good in this hypothetical where McBee is the prosecutor.
Okay, well, I mean, I'm excited.
Okay, if I have this case, I call the bar first and speak to as many eyewitnesses as possible.
I'm looking for damages and crimes, not hearsay.
I'm looking for damages and crimes, not hearsay.
I'm not going to prosecute someone for hearsay.
Like these- For rumors?
Charge them with first degree rumor.
I hate that shit.
Okay, I'm looking for damages and crimes, not hearsay.
Then interview the kid.
After a few days, I finally track down the two arresting officers.
I want to hear their side of the story and see if either of them had any physical damages to them.
Injuries?
I park outside a softball field on a Wednesday night.
It's the Police and Firefighters Softball League.
I love my man's a screenwriter!
I'm just waiting for the right time to speak to them.
Or just waiting until the end of the game.
What if he, like, walked out onto the field and was like, uh, sorry folks, I know we're having a good time here, I just need to ask you a few questions.
Just a couple more questions.
I'll disguise as an umpire, and while they're up, I'll go ahead and give them a little riz.
See, there's the officer who claimed to have been injured by the 21-year-old young man.
I'm gonna whip a baseball at his head and see if he can catch it.
See if he reacts without any pain involved.
Yeah.
That's a pretty nice cut for a man who was assaulted by a drunk 21-year-old two days ago.
There we go.
Okay.
First thing I notice is all the new cars and trucks in the parking lot.
A couple of the cars are a bit show-off-ish for a police officer's salary.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I mean, you're goddamn right.
Cops are making like a hundred plus thousand a year, depending on what's what state you're in.
There's this there's this like there's this house that is in East Highland is like I know it belongs to a cop and they literally have every single car I've ever wanted in the driveway.
Like every single one, like, it's crazy.
It's just like, what?
Like, why do you have?
And it's like eight cars.
There's like eight cars in that driveway.
See, that's called entrapment.
Yeah, yeah.
They're trying to get you to boost one of them.
OK, first thing I notice is all the new cars and trucks in the parking lot.
A couple of the cars are a bit show offish for a police officer's salary.
Second thing I notice is everyone's happy on the field.
They've got beers cracked and having a good time.
I certainly have no complaints about that.
Softball and beer go together.
LOL.
They do.
LOL.
For sure.
Third thing I notice is both officers have no noticeable injuries from afar.
Next inning, the officer who said the kid battered him hits a shot to right.
He glides into third base with an easy triple.
No hitch in his step at all.
I'm parked on that side of the field.
Now I even get a closer look at his face.
No injuries.
He's high-fiving and laughing with the third base coach.
My work here is done.
I don't need to even interview these guys.
Why do they make him a stud?
He made him a total stud.
Just cracks one out to ride for an easy triple.
Like it's so hard to get like a triple.
That's such a, that's such a rare hit.
Like this guy's a fucking stud and fast as fuck.
Not only is he a stud, but McBee is an even bigger stud.
He goes, he goes to this.
He's going to interrogate some officers.
Oh, surprise, surprise.
He's such a good investigator that he doesn't even need to talk to them.
Okay, I get the kid to come back to my office again.
After getting a better understanding of what happened at the bar, I proceed to scare the kid straight.
Containing your alcohol levels, speech, scolding, etc.
Also, I tell him that the bar has welcomed him back, providing he doesn't disrupt the business again.
In return, he must apologize to the bartender.
Within six days I dismissed the case.
No charges.
No arraignment.
Tons of time saved.
And of course, your money not wasted.
The kid had a bad night and he paid the price for it.
The egregious charges, six days to be worried about his life being ruined, the potential financial damages and sentences he might receive, etc.
I don't care what happened between him and the cops.
There is no victim and no damages to anyone.
Notice I also didn't speak about his past criminal record?
This is another huge mistake the prosecution makes.
They see a record and re-convict inside the new prosecution.
The quote, double jeopardy mindset.
He had a petty theft at age 18.
That's not what that means.
It's not, but let's let him cook.
I like what he's saying.
I like where he's going still.
He had a petty theft at age 18?
Completely irrelevant to me.
I only glanced at his past for 30 seconds.
Why?
He wasn't stealing anything.
Duh.
Finally, I send an email to the arresting officers with a stern warning.
Don't ever bring this type of crap to my desk ever again.
Dot dot dot.
Drive the damn kid home next time.
Then get back out and pick up some real criminals.
P.S.
I'm not kidding!
We're supposed to keep the peace and protect our citizens, not turn a drunk kid into a criminal.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I want, I want to go even further when he's like, I don't know what happened, but something happened between him and that boy.
Any other day that ball would have been out of the park.
Like Doug turned around on him, but he's like, it still, it still wasn't worth it.
It still wasn't worth it.
The kid still deserves freedom.
Yeah, little did you know actually that officer, he copes with his trauma by practicing baseball, practicing his swing.
And so, the fact that he had a really good game is an indication that something disruptive happened in his life recently.
Something bad happened, yeah.
I would do this with a lot of cases.
I would punish crimes fairly and pass on the silliest.
Just like, imagine all of the, everything I'm reading is happening inside the mind of the, whatever his name is, the killer from Psycho, at the end of Psycho.
Just sitting alone in a holding cell.
I would do this with a lot of cases.
I would punish crimes fairly and pass on the silly stuff.
It does insinuate that there's, other people are like, you know what, I know this isn't fair, and I know it's pretty silly, but fuck it.
Uh, like the birthday kid.
The after effect?
Ten years later.
It's a cut to ten years later in the manufacturing.
Me and the kid are best friends.
We actually hang out all the time.
Just wait, dude.
I walk him down the aisle.
That kid?
Yeah, he cured cancer.
The kid has a clean record.
Still lives here locally.
Married his girlfriend.
She wasn't sick at the wedding, by the way.
LOL.
He works for a medical company that makes gadgets that help the elderly.
They've got a bun in the oven.
Life is good.
The female prosecutor and those cops, they wanted to rob the elderly of a gadget that would help them in 10 years.
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