Jan. 24, 2022 - Minion Death Cult
06:36
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| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| Um, so there were like so many reactions to this thing that really happened. | |
| You know, this is like a real thing that happened that, you know, some might argue like... | |
| Not a big deal about putting sneakers on the green M&M. | |
| So many people disagree with that idea, including one Tucker Carlson, who did a segment on this, of course. | |
| So I'm just gonna play some audio from Tucker Carlson. | |
| This is real. | |
| Again, not doctored, what you're about to hear. | |
| Not doctored audio. | |
| progress. | |
| M&Ms will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. | |
| Until the moment you wouldn't want to have a drink with any one of them. | |
| That's the goal. | |
| When you're totally turned off, we've achieved equity. | |
| They've won. | |
| If anybody forgets what an M&M looks like, it is like a chocolate little dollop in It's like a round oval sphere. | |
| It's like a circular flat ball. | |
| It looks like a key fob to get into an apartment complex. | |
| There you go, yeah. | |
| It's perfectly smooth. | |
| It's perfectly smooth, all around, and a candy shell. | |
| It looks like a Mancala playing piece. | |
| It's, um, if you were, if you had to use a word to describe, um, some of the features of it, um, you could, you could say androgynous. | |
| That is a word that you could, you could always, like, it is a, a flat ball looking circle. | |
| It's, that's it. | |
| Yeah, you can't even rub one of these on your genitals to achieve friction. | |
| No, you can't. | |
| It's too smooth. | |
| I have seen suggestions of maybe like insertion of the M&M, but I gotta tell you that candy coating, first of all, it's sharper than it is strong, so be careful. | |
| That's my only warning there. | |
| But yeah, I've never... I always thought they were funny, but I've never been like, oh, I wanted to get a drink with this. | |
| I'm not only horny for this M&M, but I want to get to know this M&M. | |
| They will not rest until... No cartoon character on your television commercial can give you an erection. | |
| Oh no. | |
| Well, time to sell your stocks in Japan, am I right? | |
| They're turning the e-surance girl into a square obelisk. | |
| A floating cube. | |
| A featureless bar of granite. | |
| I am amazed that you can't make up something funnier than the most popular cable news guy whose whole thing is about blood and soil nationalism and reclaiming masculinity from the jaws of cultural Judeo-Marxism doing a segment about how they're trying to steal your Eminem waifu from you. | |
| And so what's funny about this too is that They love to do that whole, you know, the Democrats did slave things, but they forget that it was when these commercials came out in the late 90s, early 2000s, when Carl's Jr. | |
| was doing the burger campaigns, when they were doing the sexy M&Ms. | |
| These, it was the same programs that were saying like this, they're bringing sin into the house. | |
| Yeah. | |
| They're bringing, they're bringing like, you know, filth into the house through commercials. | |
| They hated this stuff. | |
| But now that it's being, now that it's just changing and like, they're like, no, this is, they're taking away our culture. | |
| This is our culture. | |
| Right. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Every like vestige of, uh, any actual identity has been replaced with a consumer product, you know? | |
| And so, Yeah, you've gone from, oh, anime cartoons are a way of sublimating masculine desire to procreate, and watch, you know, men are too obsessed with porn and hentai, and getting an anime body pillow instead of a real wife, to now, we don't even get the anime wife in the form of an M&M now. | |
| And like you said, the real actual culture or identity that would be, I guess, would be Christianity at the end of the day, it's so much easier to justify getting rid of M&Ms than it is to justify hating homosexuals. | |
| It's true, yeah. | |
| According to the Bible, it's way easier to do this. | |
| But they're just like, fuck it. | |
| They're changing things. | |
| I don't like it. | |
| And there are obviously a million arguments being made about why this is really dumb and how this is obviously just a smoke and mirrors type thing that they're doing. | |
| Yeah, to try and distract people from the fact that they've been sued twice for child slavery. | |
| Exactly. | |
| The Mars Candy Company. | |
| So there's plenty of reasons to make fun of this, but this is not it. | |
| This is not the reason why. | |
| Well, I think it just goes to show you how, like, how fake Tucker Carlson's, you know, masculinity or fascism or whatever. | |
| It's all just a shtick. | |
| It's obvious to people who, you know, most people, I would say. | |
| But yeah, because what are we looking at when it comes to, you know, American demographics? | |
| We're looking at declining birth rates. | |
| We're looking at fewer marriages, fewer happy heterosexual couples. | |
| And I believe that could be explained by the last 10, 15, 20 years of green M&M sexiness. | |
| Why do I need to go get a wife if I got the green M&M popping up in my commercials every now and then? | |
| Or if I got a whole website, a whole tab on Pornhub devoted to the green M&M? | |
| To the green M&M! | |
| What's making me go out and get a career to impress a woman? | |
| What's making me want to come inside of a woman to get her to stay with me? | |
| Nothing. | |
| I can go buy a pack of M&Ms right now for $1.25. | |
| There's bound to be about four greens in there. | |
| So I actually applaud the Mars Corporation for removing this distraction from heterosexual relationships. |
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