OFFICERS AND SPEED CANNOT BE RESTRAINED BY THESE SEAT BELTS w/Radio Free Tote Bag
This week we take a respectful, serious tone as we offer advice to various online posters, with the help of relationship advice podcast Radio Free Tote Bag. Questions featured on this show: "Can a police officer ejaculate so prematurely that he dies?" "Do seat belts prevent the momentum necessary to escape your vehicle in an emergency?" "What kind of bicycles do all these new genders ride?" And many more Support the show for $3.11/mo and get a bonus episode every week at http://patreon.com/miniondeathcult
The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today.
So stay tuned, we're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned, guys.
We'll show you exactly what it looks like when you're going to go to the desert.
Follow their environmental stuff.
Stay tuned.
Okay, I'm Alexander Edward.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
And we are Minion Death Cult.
The world is ending, but have no fear today.
We are here to help.
It's going to be a slightly different episode of minion death cult this week uh no no more uh no more problems we are fixing the problems today no more judgment okay no more snarky political uh sniping from this show we're going to uh offer solutions today because We have a couple wonderful guests with us.
We have Audrey and Donovan from the Relationship Advice podcast, Radio Free Tote Bag.
How are you folks doing?
I'm fantastic, Alexander.
How are you?
Very well.
How are you, Donovan?
I'm doing great over here.
I crushed a bagel sandwich with jalapenos, and they're trying to escape out my esophagus a little bit, so I've been a little bit burpy.
But overall, good.
Okay, so we won't be offering any nutritional advice to the listeners today.
Purely relationship and let's say social.
Let's expand our prerogative here from the normal relationship scope to let's just say social.
Your relationship with the world, with society.
How does that sound?
Hell yeah.
Spiritual troubles even.
We're here to heal some hearts.
We're going to heal the divide in this country.
That's what I'm thinking.
Okay, so again, I just want to set the tone for this episode.
No judgment here, you know, no sarcasm, nothing like that.
Just these people, they've put their thoughts out on the internet.
In what seems like varying degrees of cries for help, and we're here to answer.
So, first here we have a post from the SLO Tribune.
Uh, who shares a news story, uh, that says the police recruit, quote, experienced a medical emergency.
Uh, and the headline for the San Luis Obispo Post or Tribune reads, Police Recruit Collapses Less Than An Hour Into Training And Dies, Georgia Cops Say.
Wow.
So that seems like we might be too late to offer some advice to that cadet.
But we have here someone else who could possibly use some help.
Eric Hilton Ross comments, he's probably a pre-ejaculator too.
Not enough H2O, not balancing his potassium and sodium.
Could be!
Sounds like as good an explanation as any!
Normally I would say leave this sort of advice or leave these diagnoses to the professionals here at Minion Death Cult and Radio Free Tote Bag, but how do we feel about this?
Can we make an exception for Eric Hilton Ross's advice to, if you're gonna sign up for the cops, make sure you're not a pre-ejaculator.
It's very important.
It's very important to be drinking Gatorade and such too to replenish the potassium and sodium so you don't just keel over and die from coming too many times.
You know how that goes.
An epidemic is sweeping the nation!
Yeah, this seems like this guy might have lost too much of his vital essence before beginning the training process.
Yeah, you can't do that.
You gotta go in fully stocked.
Police work requires a severe amount of orgonic energy.
You need to have that.
So, November is coming up.
Possibly a good time to join the ranks of our men in blue.
It's smart, yeah.
You're already doing the safety.
You're already, you know, keeping the safety on all month.
So, like, you may as well go do your training.
I think that's smart.
I like this comment, though, because at first I did think it was some sort of, like, effort to emasculate this guy.
But no, it's really just, like, an honest medical assessment.
He's concerned.
Yeah.
As we all know, like, usually what happens when I'm with a partner and something happens too fast, I'm like, listen, I'm sorry.
I haven't had enough H2O and my potassium and sodium is not balanced.
It's not you.
For whatever reason, I'm thinking perhaps the bacon balance was out of order for this gentleman.
Because I hear a police officer and I hear keels over and dies within one hour of training.
I'm thinking there were probably wind sprints involved.
I'm thinking an hour, wow, this guy does better than most.
Better than some.
That's true.
Yeah, no, it does, you know, it does seem like this comment's coming from a genuine place of concern.
I mean, on the face of it, it sounds like he's saying, wow, did this dead cop cum his pants before he died?
But he says, you know, he says H2O and potassium and sodium, and that makes me think it's more of a scientific comment.
I think this man is a scientist, and I can establish these credentials just by looking at his blurry picture.
He looks pretty science-y to me.
I'd say this is a scientist myself, I just kinda know when I see one.
He's got a strong part in his hair that smacks of science to me.
It's very scientific.
And the fact that he's using H2O and not water, that's just a little nut a scientist used to let you know that this is a scientific opinion here.
We're talking elements.
We're talking minerals.
Yeah.
And they all come out when you cum.
They just leave.
I do wish he would have provided a link to maybe like a pre-workout supplement.
Something that I can, you know, you know, take to like not cum so fast.
I think, well, I think that pre-workout is just more cum.
Oh, that's true.
You just need to get more calm in your system before you do a strenuous exercise like that.
That's the way to go.
You got to bring it to the surface, too, but don't let it out.
Yeah, that's right.
Retain the organic energy.
The pre like addendum to here, it's not that he's an ejaculator, it's that he ejaculated too soon.
And so is that that he should have been doing it at the end of training is kind of the release after the work has been accomplished.
It seems like you can replenish that with a big old cup of cum if need be.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what it seems like to me too.
Okay.
Is it possible, however, let's look at this from another lens.
Is it possible that Eric might, might be experiencing his own issues that we could help him with?
Is that at all in the realm of possibility?
That, yeah, that might be it.
I think Eric might know, you know, The causation and correlation between potassium and sodium and H2O and pre-ejaculating.
From personal experience, he's like, damn, I've been there before.
I was at the gym and I passed out and come to think of it, I was cranking it all night before.
I bet the same thing happened to this cop.
I've had near death experience.
It was like after a couple of days of edging.
I did black out.
I did see a light.
Okay, well, I feel like we solved this one.
Either way, we've given pretty good advice for either scenario.
Moving on here, this was a fun one.
Some of these were sent to us in the Minion Death Commandos Facebook group.
Apologies, I have lost the source.
I've lost the people who posted them in there.
So, shout out to just the group in general, Minion Death Commandos on Facebook.
It's a good place.
We're forgotten heroes.
Yeah.
We salute you.
This is a post from the Star Trek Discovery parentheses CBS Facebook group.
The person who posted it, they can remain nameless.
I think they probably have all their ducks in a row here.
They post, even in the 32nd century dot dot dot dot, why don't they have seat belts?
And there's like a screenshot of a scene where everybody is in, I don't know, the holodeck or the cabin or the, you know, whatever the area that you control the spaceship is called.
Alexander, that is called the bridge.
The bridge, thank you.
Lift my glasses up.
Every time I get something like that wrong, it's because a wizard did it.
It shows all the people, you know, and they're like rolling around and they're flopping out of their seats, I guess, cause they, cause they don't have seatbelts even in the 32nd century.
Damn.
Uh, and we have a comment here from Elizabeth Marie Thauberger.
Okay.
And you might, you might understand why Elizabeth was featured here.
Uh, she writes, I once dated a California highway patrol officer and I never saw him wear a seatbelt.
He explained that officers and speed cannot be restrained by these seatbelts.
They keep people trapped in burning cars and are responsible for many untold deaths.
All people need momentum to get out quickly from burning vehicles.
With the newer belts, they are more difficult to unlatch and may become jammed in the event of a crash.
Personally, I never wear one.
I was horrified by what he said.
Too few people know this.
I won't take my value for human life for granted.
By the way, I have never been cited by the police for my refusal to wear these death traps.
Okay, see this is why you read the full comment before you feature it on the show, because apparently she's got it figured out.
She's actually never been cited by the police, and she got the advice from a cop.
And this is a cop, mind you, who must not be a premature ejaculator if he was still around.
He's got all that momentum still.
To give the advice.
I don't know, is there anything we can add to this?
I think they're uncovering a bit of a conspiracy here, because as they mentioned, many untold deaths.
And as we all know, the big seatbelt lobby covers the deaths of so many and suppresses their medicine, the medicine of flying through the windshield and out to safety onto the streets.
Yeah, so we'll buy their cures, which is of course, you know, the Jaws of Life.
If you're not trapped inside the car, then the Jaws of Life company goes out of business.
Yeah.
Right.
That's a cabal.
That's what the momentum's for.
Everyone needs momentum because when you get in a head-on collision, you're supposed to put your shoulder through the windshield and do a tuck and roll.
And if you do it right, you can just land on your feet and walk away.
That's how you're supposed to go about a car accident.
It's just physics!
That's why I just got a squat rack.
It's so that I can get my lower body core strength up so I can make sure to catch myself after doing the perfect double front flip out the front windshield.
You can't explode to the roof if you have a seatbelt on.
That's true.
No, I do like the momentum.
It's just a good philosophy.
Everybody needs momentum.
Sharks keep moving.
I'm no guppy in these waters.
You can't let a seatbelt or any bitch stop me.
We did a study on populations of great whites and we seat belted them into a sort of shark chair.
And folks, they lost their momentum.
They couldn't keep that water flow over those gills.
They fucking died.
The same could happen to you.
It's a metaphor, but it's also real.
Those sharks did die.
It's a metaphor that's backed up by science.
Honestly, I feel like that little Jamaican kid who's like doing the motivational speaking on the basketball court, how he's talking about how he's like him and his brother are sharks and we have strength.
I feel like that kid does not wear a seatbelt.
No, I mean, he's still here.
He must not have been.
Yeah, you need strength for that.
Is this woman's objection to the seatbelt perhaps related to the provenance of the seatbelt, which is, of course, Ralph Nader?
Do you think maybe she is sort of absorbing the radiant energy from the Ralph Nader-verse and making that the basis for her objection, really?
I think that's at least a possibility, given where she got this information.
She got this information from a cop who, as we all know, are staunch libertarians.
And it's kind of not a joke.
Like that's just like a cop is like a libertarian for only himself, right?
It's true.
And the enemy of most libertarians would be like a Ralph Nader type figure or at least the, you know, at least in regards to the seatbelt.
But more specifically, they're like really fighting the sad and alive caricature of Ralph Nader, because they don't really know Ralph Nader.
They just remember the character yelling about seatbelts.
I haven't seen that bit, but I bet it's really funny.
I forgot who does it.
Someone does it.
I remember it being quite funny.
Very funny stuff.
I love trying to make an evidence-based argument and saying, like, look at all these untold deaths.
The silent majority of people who died wearing a seatbelt.
If you simply measure all the untold deaths, you'll see that, yeah, seatbelts kill all these untold people.
I just think, too, that this falls under the same category as anti-mask shit and even anti-vaccine shit to some extent.
I think the cut of it really is just that child impulse of, like, I hate wearing this seatbelt.
I'm going to put the strap behind my back.
I'm going to buckle it in behind me kind of thing.
And it's this reaction just to a seatbelt being mentioned in relevance to Star Trek.
And they're like, no!
No!
It's just, I don't know, when I'm driving, like, I like to feel the car, you know?
It helps heighten the experience.
When I wear the seatbelt, I just, I can't feel anything.
And then sometimes, like, you know, I'm like, I'm a big dude, you know?
Like the seatbelt doesn't always fit right.
It's a little, like, restraining, like, a little constraining, yeah.
I actually have a seatbelt allergy.
I don't produce the hypoallergenic seatbelts that I need, so I just kind of have to go without them.
It's safer that way.
Yeah.
And then you got the other dumbass who's like, oh, actually, I wear two seatbelts.
I'm extra safe in my car.
I grab the passenger side seatbelt, and then I tie it around my neck.
Extra security.
It's very, it's very important.
Do you, do you think this is true?
Do you think that cops don't wear their, I can see this being like, yeah, like for sure, not only just like I'm above the law, not only just having like, you know, childish operation, operational defiance disorder or whatever that's called.
Uh, but also like, I, you know, I need to be able to jump out of the car at a moment's notice.
If the car is spinning out of control and there's a perp on the other side of the street, I need to be able to step out of the car while it's spinning and fire on said perp.
The seatbelt doesn't so much bother me as much as it gets in the way of my Glock.
I can't reach it.
I carry it behind me.
I can't reach it with my seatbelt in the way.
It's really cumbersome.
So I just don't put it on at all.
Okay, lots of, a lot of cops ended up in this episode.
I didn't, I didn't mean it for that way.
It's just, I guess it's the corner of the internet I'm in.
I guess there's just a lot of really enlightened police in the corner of my internet.
Okay, but here's, here's a not a cop post.
A lot of these I've been saving for a while just because they're, they're cool and good posts and, you know, they offer good advice or they ask interesting questions.
Here we have like Facebook word art with the bitmoji of the guy who wrote it out.
He's wearing like a forward baseball cap and he's got a white beard and he's got glasses on and a flannel.
He looks like a hipster but I think it's an accident.
Hipster Santa Claus, circa like 2012.
And the background of this word art is like, looks like a DNC slideshow, you know, swirling stars and stripes and that sort of thing.
It reads, since the current thinking is there are many different genders, what are we going to do about bicycles?
So you can see where this is going.
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
We only have one for males and one for females.
How do you design bikes for all these other genders?
Oh my god.
I'm interested in what the design philosophy would be behind the NB bicycle.
Because we all know that a man's bike has the high crossbar, ladies bike, low crossbar, and so you can wear a skirt while you ride the bicycle.
Wait, is that why?
Yeah.
That's actually not true.
What?
Yeah, there actually is no gender with that.
That's called a step through.
And that's actually was originally called a gentleman's bike.
And that's something that's just become part of the whole, like, shrink it and pink it, sell it for more because now we're calling it a girl's bike type of, you know, capitalism.
Yeah, because if you're if you're a lady, you're supposed to ride side saddle anyway.
Exactly.
Yeah.
There's only one.
I never understood how that was possible on a bicycle.
Momentum!
Everyone needs momentum.
You put both feet on the left pedal or right pedal, whichever side you prefer.
I have to learn these things.
I never learned these growing up.
I have to learn them now.
The whole, like, boy and girl bike thing sucks so bad.
Yeah, which is now we have 350 different gender bikes now.
And also, like, the whole joke about being, like, a bike person and a bike owner is, like, you always need more bikes.
So this doesn't even work for you.
The whole thing is, like, there is a bike for every job.
That is, like, the whole thing about bikes.
I gotta reveal a fun, dumb Donovan moment, a segment we love on our show, where I examine very dumb beliefs that have stuck with me for my whole life.
And this has revealed a new one.
Because I was always very confused because I thought the same as Audrey was saying.
I thought, okay, the low bar, that's the lady's bike.
The high bar is the guy's bike.
And I was always confused because I was like, the low bar, if I went flying off the seat, my feet could hit the ground before I squashed my nuts on the bar thing.
Whereas the men's, it's up high and you're landing on that first.
You're hitting all the weight on the scrote and we don't want that.
And now that's just been torn asunder.
Oh, but then I was like, yeah, because that wouldn't make sense for one gender and the other.
But now it's like the reverse.
It's a step through thing.
I guess that makes a little bit more sense.
Yeah, it was just easier to get on.
That's really what that's what it was.
That's why they did that.
And then you as you know, you can also wear skirts with it, you know, but yeah, the whole the whole thing was had nothing to do with with gender at all.
And so funny that still like persist.
Uh, I thought the difference between a guy's bike and a girl's bike was, uh, the girl's bike had two horns on the handlebars, and you go honk honk with the two, but the guy's only had one.
Kind of in the center.
In the middle, but it's longer.
Yeah.
But it's like, why would I buy a whole bike when I'm just focused on the hor- couldn't I get the hor- couldn't I take one of the horns off the female bi- you know?
Okay, can we just, are they modular?
Can we have like modular horns?
They're like, no, they're all, they're like welded onto the bike so you can't even, you can't even do, that's how they get you.
Can't even get one into the thrift store or whatever.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
I also just like that the answer to this is just ultimately It doesn't fucking matter, just gotta let people pick what fits them.
Much the same as gender.
I think much like a lot of these outbursts and a lot of these problems that these people have online, it's just a total misconception about what gender actually is, you know?
Like, again, it's not, you know, gender is not what your bike shape is.
Gender's not like what your body looks like or whatever, you know?
It's your expression into the world.
And with that said, I mean, yeah, a bike could be any gender.
You can have all kinds of gendered bikes if, you know, depending on how society dictates, you know?
I guess in America, your man's bike, it's got like a...
It's got like a guy from the A&E Vikings show on it.
Or is that a history show?
Yeah, and then the girl's bike... I don't know, what's a girl's thing?
It has Outlander.
It's got like a braided ponytail off the back.
I like thinking about this guy getting really upset at, you know, the guy they see riding down the street who's, you know, a full adult man, but it's like an 18 inch purple mountain bike, you know, and has like a basket on it, but they just got to get somewhere.
And this person is being like, what is this country coming to?
Just riding whatever bike they want these days makes me sick.
Stick to the bike that God made for you.
If the only difference is the crossbar, couldn't you just do like 40 different types of crossbar?
I think it's pretty easy to figure out.
There's a spectrum of crossbar locations.
Don't worry, Huffy's gonna come out with their LGBTQ line of bike and it's gonna cost $500 more than the regular bike.
Um, yeah, if you, and if you can, as a man, you can ride, you know, you can ride any kind of bike with a basket and, and, you know, you just have to put like a male puppy in the, in the basket.
It's gotta be like a pit bull puppy or a German shepherd puppy.
And if you're a girl, uh, you put a cat in there.
It doesn't matter what, because all cats are girls.
So it doesn't matter.
True.
That's science.
Yeah.
More science on the show.
Any kind of cat.
You could put a pig skin up there.
You could put a six pack of cold ones and be okay.
Yeah.
But if you put a tampon in that basket, friendo, this country's going to come to its knees.
So moving on, we got a question here from Twitter.
This is, wow, the Catholic League.
Turning to Twitter for advice, the Catholic League on Twitter writes, how would the left react if a gay football player came out and said he self-identifies as straight?
Their heads would explode.
Wow, okay, answered his own question, the Catholic League did.
Alright.
So is this?
Okay, alright.
Would this be a different sport?
Is this gay football?
Is there a gay football player that comes out and identifies as straight?
Yeah, that's the one that you play with your feet.
There's American football and then gay football.
Everywhere else.
You've been playing when you've been straight the whole time?
That's not fair.
Yeah, that's unacceptable.
Their heads would absolutely explode.
And the thing, there hasn't been an athlete who's made this joke.
I feel like there had to be, but it just didn't work, right?
Some athlete had to be like, you know what?
I'm just gonna let everyone know today that I'm straight.
Yeah, thousands and thousands of former high school athletes have made this joke.
I'm having a little trouble answering this on account of my head has exploded.
But as I struggle to put the pieces back together here, I feel like this situation would piss off conservatives more, too.
Like if a gay guy was like, no, actually, I'm straight.
They'd be like, no, that's not how that works.
You've kissed a guy.
You can't be straight.
I think their heads would be the ones exploding now that I think about it.
No, they would take the angle of, look at what this world's come to.
Now our boys have to let people know they're straight.
Like, oh, you know, how come he couldn't just exist before?
Now we have to let people know?
That's, that'd be the angle they would take.
It's like, it's always persecuted.
How come when I, uh, call up the National Football League, I have to press one for straight now?
For straight football, press one!
Oh my god.
Uh, yeah, I don't know what this means, like, like a gay guy was like, just kidding?
That's psych.
Like Milo did.
That is what he did.
That's funny.
So, in this scenario, there's a football player who's already come out as gay.
Isn't there, like, one?
Isn't there, like, an openly gay football player?
I think there was, like, two scenes ago, but I don't think he plays anymore.
I think he ended up, like, just not being very good, unfortunately.
Damn.
And everyone was like, oh, it sucks he's not very good, like, they have a real reason for, like, cutting him.
You can't even complain that he got, yeah, cut.
Yeah, everyone was like, oh, I really wanted to root for you, but you're not very good at your job.
I support representation, but this particular guy really fucking sucks at football.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, let's, I mean, let's get him a used car dealership or something.
I'm trying to find this Catholic League because as a former recovering Catholic, uh, this is not something I was familiar with.
I didn't know we had a whole ass league.
Yeah, maybe they're in competition with the NFL.
Maybe that's what's going on.
That's where the animosity is coming from.
Gay football and Catholic football.
It's kind of like the Australian rules football.
It's a wild card.
No, Catholic League, okay.
We got no kind of bio.
We've been around since October 2009.
A storied history here on Twitter.
Yeah, I love the self-identifies.
I love when people use that.
It's so indicative of just not... It's like either the first time you've ever used the phrase identifies as, or you've only used it pejoratively.
Yeah, so this is saying that the person is actually gay, but it's telling people that he's straight.
Right.
They're making that joke?
Is that the joke they're making?
It's hard to tell whether they're making the joke that the left would be intolerant of an actual straight person.
You know, if a gay guy decided he was straight, because you can just decide that, you know, that the left would be intolerant of him coming out as straight.
Or if it's like a, yeah, Trump's gonna own Hillary Clinton by identifying as the first female president.
Yeah.
Unsure.
It makes you wonder why Colin Kaepernick never just considered self-identifying as white to get his job back.
Yeah, Colin Kaepernick should have self-identified himself as white, for sure.
As white.
Their heads would freaking explode, dude.
Did you see the tweet where LeBron was like, I support you, Colin, and he put a picture of Lil Dicky on the tweet?
And Colin Kaepernick had to be like, actually, that's Lil Dicky, but thank you for the support.
No way, that's awesome.
That rules.
Lil Dicky self-identifies as a rapper.
That's something.
That's true.
We're in the same wheelhouse.
I'm not finding any, like, good background.
I'm trying to, like, find if there is more football talk from Catholic League, but it really all seems to be screenshots of Bill Maher recently.
Oh, just his face?
Is this, like, positive Bill Maher stuff?
While Bill Maher has spent years making vicious remarks about Roman Catholicism, he has not been shy about ripping the sensorial ones on the left.
I'm not sure what that means.
I'm not 100% sure.
Sensational?
You know?
I don't know.
Bill Maher hasn't apologized for demonizing priests, but he has shown an independence of mind that is admirable.
So they're kind of liking him?
There's like three or four pictures and it's just Bill Maher's face and they're saying something kind of cryptic that might be a compliment.
Is Bill Maher Catholic?
I think he just makes fun of Catholics a lot.
I think that's one of his things.
He's like an anti-cancel culture guy.
So maybe they're trying to figure out how to like him?
He's like a sensible centrist now.
He's definitely anti-cancel culture, he's definitely anti-the squad, anti-actual left politics, which is good because he's always been pretty awful and it's nice to see him align himself correctly.
Mask off awful.
But yeah, it's like, it's that thing, it's like, oh no, the worst person you know just made a good point, you know, and it's the Catholic League looking at Bill Maher saying something like, these babies need their baba.
And you're like, damn, I didn't know he could spit fire like that.
I just thought he was anti-religious.
Okay, this is from Reddit slash Am I the Asshole, which is, do you ever get content from here for Radio Free Tote Bag?
Oh yeah, we've done a couple.
Yeah, Am I the Asshole posts for sure.
And we've had people send them in.
Because our relationships and our sex tends to be more what we go to.
We're looking for Reddit because those tend to be more focused.
Am I the asshole?
I feel like is more rife with cranks.
Yeah.
And people who are just clearly the asshole, and the advice is just kind of like, hey, you're an asshole, cut it out.
It's also, I've seen some stuff that could be pretty phony from, am I, you know, like somebody telling a story where they're obviously the asshole and it would take a supreme amount of, supreme lack of self-awareness to not realize it.
This could be one of those times, but again, given the subject, anything is possible.
So this is a post from the user GoodGuyCop2312.
Fuck yeah!
So, bad bastard cops are bastards?
I mean, that is a tautology that is by definition true.
Yeah, that's some Yogi Berra wisdom right there.
Okay, am I the asshole for doing a welfare check on my girl who's living in a dangerous environment?
Already that kind of sounds like... Sounds like you're an asshole.
I mean, why isn't just don't you hang out with her?
Like isn't that kind of like a welfare check in general?
So she would hang out.
Are you texting or something?
Also, my girl is kind of like a wild, it's like an interesting way to phrase this.
Yes.
You know, this would be one of those red flag tweets.
You know, my girl, my lady.
He's 32, so I could see if he were like Gen X or something.
Using My Girl might be more natural, but... Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, okay.
My Girl, 28 female, and I, 32 male, have been together 8 months.
She lives with her friend Jared, 27 male, who owns the home.
Jared seemed like a great guy, very friendly, down-to-earth, and weeks from becoming a... physiatrist.
You know, that fancy thing.
It's a fancy thing.
That's some of my favorite science is physiatry.
Medical studies were demanding of him.
Yeah, I'm sure he had to research what the fuck he was studying first.
Yeah.
But we all got along whenever I was over.
I'm a cop.
Uh oh.
Where we live, marijuana is common, but still illegal.
As a law enforcer, As a law enforcer, I honor with a U. Okay.
Hmm.
Wait a second.
Yeah.
Okay.
This guy's possibly a Brit or some kind of European.
If this is a fucking malty, I'm going to lose my mind at the end of this.
As a law enforcer, I honor the law, but also anti-drugs for personal reasons.
It's not harmless, my peers who smoked marijuana in school are now deadbeats, and my best mate got rejected from the army because he'd used marijuana before and now drives trucks.
So yeah, was this posted in the 80s?
Yeah, read it from 80s Reddit, yeah.
I love that.
Oh no, if you smoke marijuana, you might be doomed to drive trucks for a living instead of beat up homeless people.
Yeah, instead of join the army.
Those are the options.
If you smoke marijuana, you might end up being best mates with a cop.
The worst side effect of all.
If you drive a truck, you usually make decent money.
Yeah, you do okay.
And, uh, I don't know, the idea that he's looking down on that profession to begin with.
I know this wasn't part of the am I the asshole question, but, you know, I could answer it now.
He's not looking down on it.
It's just not a cop, which is like the ultimate profession.
So I look down on every profession if I'm a cop.
I have not discussed this view with my girl, but I think being a law enforcer implies my stance, plus nothing about her life gives me reason to suspect she thinks drug use is okay.
She's got normal colored hair.
I've never heard her listen to Florence and the Machine.
What would a cop think drug use would look like?
Like in a person, if you just look at somebody, what's a cop looking for?
They got long hair.
They got flowers in their hair, man.
They got a peace symbol necklace.
Sunglasses.
Yeah.
At all.
Yeah, you gotta go through your girlfriend's purse every once in a while and make sure she doesn't have any eye drops in there.
Like when you're wearing stuff that you can't do CrossFit in?
Like that's pretty sus.
Yeah, I've never seen my girlfriend jump onto a wood block before.
I'm worried she might be addicted to drugs.
I think she's definitely addicted to marijuana.
Uh, my girlfriend never wears the I stand for the flag I kneel for the cross shirt I bought for her.
Is she a drug addict?
Reddit, please help.
I thought, I thought she was wearing it but it had like a pregnant Sonic on it instead.
I don't know what that was about.
Pregnant Sonic is definitely a big red flag for weed use.
Yeah.
This is for sure.
They're like, get out of the house!
The weed is in the house!
I asked my girlfriend if she smoked weed and she looked down at me and said, I am weed.
That's a little internet reference for you internet heads out there.
Okay.
Sometimes when Jared hung out with us, I suspected he had used marijuana.
I'm trained to suspect it, but Jared's profile didn't fit an addict, nor would my girl accept living with one.
Oh yeah, like I'm trained to suspect everybody of being a criminal.
That's my, it's actually my job, actually, is to think everybody's a criminal.
So, of course.
That's how I became a cop.
I just knew it was in me because I knew everyone around me was a criminal.
Like a 7th sense.
Listen dude, I got a 100% success rate, alright?
I arrested all of those criminals.
They're all in jail.
10 for 10.
Likely my judgment was wrong and he was tired from studies.
That's what you tell your parents.
Like, no, I'm not high out of my mind.
I was just up all night doing homework.
Yeah.
Physiatry homework.
That's also why I'm hungry.
Dude, this motherfucker was like, oh yeah, I was doing my physiatry last night.
That's why my eyes are so cheeched out.
Sharon's talking to this gal, and he's like, I bet this cop will fucking buy it if I make up a word.
What about, like, physiatry?
I'm working through this thousand-page physiatry textbook, and boy are my eyes tired.
I was trying to ascertain the last known whereabouts of my physiatry textbook.
Okay, unfortunately, my instincts were correct.
Oh, fuck!
It's a curse.
Being a cop, being a signed cop at birth, it's a curse.
A few weeks ago, I arrived at my girl's house before she had.
I let myself in and went to the balcony.
Jared was there.
We were casually chatting when he just puffs on a joint and then even offers me a puff.
I'm fuming.
Needless to say, I'm fuming.
This guy literally offered a cop drugs.
So clearly he's offered my girl drugs.
I'm terrified for her safety in this environment.
Really, as a law enforcer, it is my civic duty to enforce the law, but my judgment was that Jared could be reasoned with.
I made him aware of my obligation and that his drug use also hurts society and others around him.
As well as himself.
As a cop, and because he lives with my girl, I'll charge him if my girl is put in danger again.
He denied the severity of his use, said he will stop around me, but doesn't respect my attitude or behavior in his house.
Mildly insulting response after letting him off, but understandable it wasn't taken well.
He's an addict, and I've made use harder for him in his own home.
My girl comes home, we both explain what's unfolded, my girl says it's a lot, and I should go home for the night.
Fuck yeah dawg!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Uh, yeah, uh, your girlfriend's roommate smokes weed.
Red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag.
Yeah!
But I think this Jared could be reasoned with.
That's what the judgment is telling me.
The Jared-understander has logged on.
Yeah, down at the Priest Inc., they actually call me the Jared Whisperer.
Poor fucking Jared.
Jared, like, I'd be so mad if I was Jared.
Like, I'm in my own house, and like, The boyfriend comes over and is like giving me shit for smoking weed in my own backyard?
I am losing my mind.
As soon as she gets home, it's like, hey, either you got to go or he's got to go.
Yeah.
And I think maybe you need to go regardless, because I think even I can't retaliate against this guy.
You just need to leave.
Right.
Yeah.
Elsewhere in the subreddit, there's a post.
Am I the asshole?
I kicked my roommate out because her boyfriend's a cop.
Yeah.
Oh, so that, like, it's almost insulting.
He didn't even go for, like, the arrest or, like, the, oh, tough cop talk.
He just lectured him about weed usage using, like, air talking points.
Well, I think he's trying to sound as reasonable as possible to the group, you know?
To get some sort of, like, sympathetic feedback.
I see.
Because remember, he could have ruined his life right there.
He could have done that.
So he did great.
He was very cool in this moment.
Damn.
Kind of a hero.
But he gives it away because he says Jared says he didn't appreciate his attitude.
Yeah.
So, like, he did, he definitely did try to, you know, swing his dick around on this guy or whatever, and Jared was just like, uh, this is my house, man.
Yeah.
And also imagine this cop trying to tell someone like, listen man, you're going to smoke weed, you're going to be pee shit your whole life.
And you're like, hey, I own this house that your girlfriend rented.
Yeah.
Um, like I'm not trying to do, I'm not trying to say that, but that you're making me say that.
Yeah.
By your fucking deranged standards.
I'm like a super productive member of society.
I'm like the fucking elite.
I'm a property owner.
What are you talking about?
Also, like, how lucky is Jared that this guy's only concern is that Jared's getting her high?
You know what I mean?
Like, this dude's a cop dude bro guy for sure hates boy roommates.
Like, for sure, there's no way he's cool with that.
No, absolutely.
That's like the kind of guy and that's where I thought this was going to be going to is that there was going to be some kind of side thread where like, he thinks Jared's trying to sway her to the dark side.
He was he was like talking about like, I know you were trying to get my girl to smoke doobies and and smoke blunts with you.
But the whole time he was insinuating like he was insinuating something like sex wise, but he kept on calling it weed.
And it was really uncomfortable, confusing.
Get your joints away from her.
I know you're trying to get it lit.
I know that's what you're trying to do here.
Don't you try to get her to rip your bong, man.
Don't you do that.
She's not going to rip your bong, bro.
She's a good girl.
She's my girl.
Uh, the next paragraph is where we conclude our story here from, uh, what was it?
Good Guy Cop 2312.
You know, the one.
The next day, the city's in lockdown.
I'm not able to address with Jared nor my girl what happened.
The last few weeks, she's talking to me less and less.
My anxiety knowing my girl is locked down in such a toxic situation is overwhelming.
Oh no, cop has anxiety.
I wonder what could be, I don't know, what he could treat that with.
What if there's a treatment for that?
Yeah.
My anxiety knowing my girl is locked down in such a toxic situation is overwhelming.
Your girlfriend is straight vibing, dude.
Yeah.
Dude, don't worry.
She's high.
She's been smoking weed all day.
She's doing all right.
She's fine.
Jared has great snacks, too.
Last week, I decided to do a welfare check, but send my partner in.
He did it, but afterwards said that was fucked up of me.
Later that night, my girl cut it entirely and filed a complaint against me.
I truly didn't believe I did anything wrong and was just trying to protect my girl, but I've lost my girl and in career trouble.
But both my girl and my partner think I'm fucked, so maybe I am.
Am I the asshole?
Hold on real quick.
I actually have a huge problem with this.
I don't think this guy is a cop.
Because I don't see any cop being like, I wanted to see my girl but we were on lockdown so I couldn't go there.
It's a cop!
Like, it's a cop, and maybe he's like a security guard, and his partner is like a security guard also, and his partner's like, why the fuck you have me do this, man?
This is fucked up.
We're your security guards, like, what are you doing?
And he's like, we need to uphold the law!
Because at work he gets to tell people not to smoke weed too.
He's allowed to do that because he's a security guard.
So like, weed is a real, you know, I don't believe this guy is a security guard.
Cause like, also, imagine just breaking up with a cop and it just, that's the end of it.
I don't think that's how that works either.
Not a chance.
Especially if there's like a, another dude involved in this who he's like, oh, he's a drug addict.
A cop could not just be like, oh no, I can't do anything because of the law.
They do crazy shit.
That's their whole thing.
Yeah.
Well, we have to remember this might be like a funny British cop.
This might be like a Bobby.
Oh, also a Bobby.
Forgot about that part.
Also, what we forgot about is this is a good cop.
I forgot about that.
It's in the name.
I forgot this is a good cop.
It's a good guy cop, so that's also part of it.
You can't argue with facts.
On the upside, maybe he's got a backup career path as a member of the Temptations.
Could be.
What did he tell his partner?
Sorry, go ahead, Audrey.
Can you imagine conducting a wellness check on somebody you know personally as a police officer, too?
That's what I'm saying.
What did he tell his partner?
That his partner was surprised when he got there and it was the girlfriend.
Right.
Oh, there's a random girl.
I don't know her, but we should check up, see if she's OK.
Look, I have reason to believe... There may be weed at this house.
I have reason to believe that they're actually sealing off all the doorways and windows and hotboxes in the entire house.
They're just holding everyone hot.
We need to make sure they're not getting super zonked.
Don't be thrown off if you approach the home and there's no smell.
They could be using cardboard tubes with dryer sheets inside.
They're 3D printing spoofs in there.
Look, you don't know this, but the guy you're dealing with is a genius.
What does he study again?
Physiatry.
He studies physiatry, so we're dealing with some pretty advanced stuff.
Yeah, dude, he's got like a matter transport he blows the smoke into.
Yeah.
And it just like, it just goes out into the backyard.
He could synthesize cosmic brownies out of mid-air.
They could be stockpiling and holing up in there forever, basically.
Yeah, okay.
So yeah, I think there's no real advice to give.
I think the girlfriend did the right thing, and it sounds like this cop's in trouble, so...
I think that kind of a happy ending.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We can say definitively he is the asshole, I think.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
It's probably not Jared who was just enjoying some cannabis at his home.
Jared seems cool.
I kind of want to hang out with Jared.
We really came around on Jared.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's usually a little sketched by a Jared name, especially a J-A-R-O-R-O-D.
A little mix up spelling of it.
But he really seems like a cool dude.
Okay, so we, I think we have time for one last sort of item, item of interest here.
And let's go, if everybody's in the dock, you can see kind of what I added to the dock, hopefully.
This is, this is, I do have, this is from Corinne, I believe, who shared this into the Facebook group.
And the post is from Louisiana Cajun Recipes.
Oh fuck yeah, I'm excited to learn about some cooking, maybe pick up a new recipe here.
Let's go!
I just think it's really cool that you're going to do this whole thing with a Cajun patois.
Yeah, you really have to imagine a Cajun accent this whole time.
I don't think I'm qualified to do it.
Just do the Adam Sandler Cajun guy voice the whole time.
Okay, Louisiana Cajun recipes.
Have your notebook handy for how to fry up some crawdads and whatever, okay?
We always hear the rules from the female side.
Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note, dot, dot, dot, these are all numbered one on purpose!
What a bad start.
Good to note.
Each one of these rules is as important as the one that preceded it.
Just remember that.
I love also that it's a bit like, oh, all of these are important and you have to tell everybody that you're not an idiot.
You realized what you were doing by using the number one the whole time.
Instead of just, like, using bullet points or a non-sequential way of doing a list?
Well, I think it's a joke.
The option is right there!
I think it's a joke, but then he has to explain the joke, so nobody thinks he's stupid.
Yeah.
Well, he also has to explain in case there are any, you know, women reading this who aren't gonna understand how men operate.
So, you know, see if you can keep up.
Okay, so we have here, of course, Radio Free Tote Bag Relationship Advice Podcast, and then we have Louisiana Cajun Recipes.
Also giving, apparently, some relationship advice.
Okay, so it's going to be a duel.
I think Tony and I will be the deciding factors as to who is giving better advice.
Whether it's Radio Free Tote Bag or Louisiana Cajun Recipes.
I'm going to lean towards Louisiana Cajun because I like my relationship advice spicy like Cajun food.
My co-host is of course joking.
We will remain impartial until we have heard all the rule number ones from Louisiana Cajun recipes.
Okay.
Number one.
Men are not mind readers.
Okay.
Number one, learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up.
You need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
I don't take shits.
It sounds, I mean, you know, I'll be charitable here.
It sounds like good communication.
It sounds like he's communicating his needs and desires, which a lot of which revolve around the toilet.
That's so true.
You wussy women need a seat.
I sit in the water while I shit like a real man.
That's why I'm a real man who installed a urinal.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Got a urinal in my bathroom.
Cause I'm a man.
Amen, brother.
That's some cool man shit.
It's just the shower.
I just call the shower a urinal.
Smush it down with your feet and then wash them off.
You're right there.
I don't shit sitting down.
I have a squatty potty.
I have two of them in fact, so my ass never has to touch the seat.
Stack them on top of each other.
Are you ruined now?
What?
Are you ruined now?
How is using the bathroom outside of the house?
Let me tell you.
Once you put on moon boots and then stand on top of a squatty potty and shit like that, you'll never go back.
I like to see your bathroom moon boots.
They're just there.
Like slippers.
Okay.
Number one.
Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
Dot dot.
Let me make an analogy you women will understand.
It's like the moon, or the tides, or a period.
Just let it be.
Women's only conception of time is from the menstrual cycle.
A few men know this, actually.
And you don't understand, like, people that have peers, they only have them once a month.
I have four Sundays a month.
Okay?
Oh, babe, can you run down to the store and get me some MyDoll?
It's a big game today.
I'm really hurting this time.
Number one.
Shopping is not a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
What human ever was like shopping is a sport?
He probably read a One Bumper sticker 30 years ago and he's never stopped being mad about it.
Yeah.
It's his wife that has the sticker, but that's just, you know.
Every day when he walks to the garage, he just seethes to himself every day.
You don't get a Heisman Trophy for the sales at Macy's.
Name one pro shopper.
Give me one pro shopper shoes.
Give me one pair of pro shopper shoes.
Okay?
Give me a jersey and then we'll talk.
Oh, these shoppers keep kneeling during the national anthem.
It's a disgrace.
Okay, number one.
Crying is blackmail.
There's no crying in shopping.
That's fucking deranged.
That's so fucked.
Yeah.
What the fuck, man?
Sorry, don't mind your mom.
She's just blackmailing me.
Well, it's so when you're in separate rooms, when you're being interviewed separately at the ER or down at the station or whatever, you can be like, I really hope you're taking down all this blackmail.
I really hope you're taking note of this.
That's bleak as hell.
Number one.
Babies come out the womb blackmailing as soon as they come out.
It's because they've spent so much time in a woman's body, all they know is blackmail.
Number one.
Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one.
Subtle hints do not work.
Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work.
Just say it!
What?
I mean, it sounds like whoever you're dealing with is trying.
Mm-hmm.
Like, it's not... Sorry, go ahead.
It's not necessarily the worst piece of advice ever.
We always try to indicate that communication is the right way to do things.
But, like, I get the sense that if you're with a guy like this, communication does not feel possible.
Right.
Feels like there's no fucking way to get through.
And so you just kind of go, I mean, maybe just like drop a little hint and hope because you're like the the idea of confronting this person is is unthinkable.
No, Audrey, you just need to be direct and genuine with this man who says crying is blackmail.
Be open and honest about your emotions.
Yeah, exactly.
I was watching this movie the other day, and this woman was crying in the movie.
And, you know, it looked nice.
It looked nice to be able to do that.
Sure would like to maybe see what that's like.
Oh, my cheeks are feeling so dry today.
I wish I was allowed to do something about that.
What if I were to just sign something that says it's not blackmail?
What if I just sign a piece of paper that says it's not blackmail?
I just want to cry.
And then he's like, I don't understand what you're trying to communicate here.
And then he does his favorite Sam Kinison bit and goes, say it!
Say it!
Have you guys... He's like, that's why it's a movie.
That's why it's called a movie.
What is this from?
I'm like... Boomers love this Sam Kennison bit.
This sounds familiar.
He was the one who was like a former preacher who became a comedian, right?
I'm watching a clip from... Yeah, he's the one who he wears like the ACDC beret.
I'm watching a clip from YouTube and it's it's him and Rodney Dangerfield.
I think that was his catchphrase was, say it!
And I think it was like, I think it was marital stuff.
I think that... Let me type it in Kinnison.
Say it.
Let's see what...
What did Sam Kenison say before he died?
Okay.
He said, I don't want to die.
Okay.
Not what I'm looking for.
Google also suggests, who was the comedian that used to scream?
And Sam Kenison comes up.
That's the one.
Sam Kenison used to record radio bumps for the rock station in my hometown.
That's cool.
That's pretty cool.
Wow.
Radio Bumps where he told women not to cry.
Oh, Back to School is the Rodney Dangerfield movie.
Oh, yeah.
And he's yelling at Rodney Dangerfield.
I don't know, you can just, yeah, school, Rodney Dangerfield, say it, say it, epic Vietnam tirade.
Okay, so now we're getting a little closer to the truth here.
Let me play the clip.
To contemporary American history.
I'm Professor Churchison.
You know, a lot of people think history is just facts.
It's just information about the past.
But not me.
I mean, I hold history very sacred.
Sacred.
The way the farmer looks at the earth and he holds it sacred.
The way a Christian takes the Bible and he holds it sacred.
The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred.
That's how I feel about it.
So why don't we dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events in the last 20 years of American history.
Now, can someone tell me why, in 1975, we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?
There we go.
The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support caused an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American, but illegal, Saigon regimes.
Is she right?
Is she right?
Because I know that's the popular version of what went on there.
I know a lot of people like to believe that.
Oh, I can't wait for him to school this dummy.
I wish I could, but I was there.
I wasn't here in the classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it.
I was up on my knees in rice paddies with guns and Edwards going up against Charlie, slugging it out with him, while pussies like you were back there partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, listening to the goddamn Beatle album.
Oh, no!
Hey, Professor, take it easy, will you?
I mean, these kids, they were in grade school at the time.
And me?
I'm not a fighter.
I'm a lover.
I didn't know you wanted to get involved with the discussion, Mr. Helper.
But since you want to help, maybe you can help me, okay?
You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called the Korean Conflict?
Yeah, remember when we failed to achieve victory?
No.
How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice eaters back to the Great Wall of China and take the Burkitt Bridge brick and nuke them back into the fucking Stone Age River?
How come?
Tell me why!
Say it!
Say it!
Alright, I'll say it.
Those Truman was too much of a pussy wimp to let MacArthur go in there and blow out those commie bastards!
Say it!
Jesus.
Yeah, okay.
That's boomer art right there.
Such trenchant comedy.
That's, yeah, that's the Rosetta Stone for like half the GIFs on Facebook.
Yeah.
That's so funny.
Whenever you see somebody say, say it, say it, they mean like anti-Asian slur.
Yeah.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Of course it catches on with them.
So I don't want you to lose track of where you're at.
Right now you're on number one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Moving on though.
I'm moving on to number one here.
Uh, yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Oh, that's such like, oh, I, I, I hate that.
I, I like live with my uncle for a while and he was one of these matter of fact, dude men guys.
And it was always, if the question is a yes or no question.
So I want yes or no question.
I'm like, no, it's actually more complex than that.
I actually need to explain what's happening.
Nope.
Yes or no question.
It was the worst shit.
I hated it so much.
And it is like this weird old man thing.
It sucks.
It's manly not to use the majority of the language that we've evolved as a species over millions of years.
It's manly to only use yes and no.
Yeah, I think it's two things.
It's like a control thing, you know?
You don't want to have to be at the mercy of somebody else's dialogue, you know?
You don't have to like sit there and fucking like have to process what another person is saying or whatever, so you just make demands of them to be as brief as possible.
I think it's also like, number one, it is normal to hate listening to your spouse talk!
Oh god!
You know?
It's like, I don't want to have to hear this person's voice anymore.
Can I kill her?
Is it okay?
Is that okay?
I've pretty much learned all our recipes.
Everything's in a can now anyways.
Microwave meals have come quite a ways.
Are the air fryers?
Honestly, I feel like with the invention of the air fryer, I feel like that's probably a bigger problem than ever now.
Okay, moving on.
Number one, come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Listen, like, you've read all the other number ones, you know that my forte is solving problems.
You know that's what I'm good at, just based off my previous advice.
That's what I'm here for.
Listen, there were too many numbers, and I just solved that problem with this list.
Number one, a headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
I mean, that's just sound medical advice.
That sounds like somebody suffering from migraines.
But of course, this is an indication that she doesn't want to have sex.
I have a headache, so I don't want to have sex.
Oh, that's totally what this is.
Yeah, that's all this is.
Like, would you want to fuck this?
I wouldn't want to fuck this dude.
There's no world.
No.
Where I want to know.
No, thank you.
Well, I don't know.
And there is a world where, like, we actually have some sort of agreement where this is the contract we've bound into is this list of rules.
And I am going to abide by them.
But that's also why I pay him so much.
Yeah, that's like a kink thing.
It's for these rules.
So, yeah, I could see fucking him.
One simple rule for dating me.
Yeah.
A dozen one simple rules.
Granddaddy Dom?
Is that anything?
This seems like a Grandpa Dom.
With some of these answers.
You got like a sub and you're like, hey.
A pappy, not a daddy?
This is, again, like much like the Sam Kinison say it, say it thing.
You just like subsumed media, you know, as a teenager or in your 20s or whatever.
And it became part of your personality, whether or not you were actually whether or not it's good to actually identify as the literally insane college professor who's so traumatized by his, you know, shattered masculinity from the Vietnam War or whatever.
You're just still repeating the funny words he said, you know.
It's like that with this.
It's not normal to have a headache for 17 months.
See a doctor!
You know, you're like doing the, the, my wife doesn't want to fuck me joke.
I'm pretty sure that's like self-aware, but you're also being mean about it?
Like, hey, hey, hey, bitch, go see a doctor.
You don't want to fuck me.
I had to see a doctor to get a prescription for my problem fucking.
You need to go to see a doctor to get a prescription for your problem fucking.
That would be super demoralizing to have erectile dysfunction and then to go get medicated for it but then they still don't want to have sex with you so the pills just sit on your bedside table just like mocking you every day.
I wouldn't got the pills what else do you want from me?
What else do we need for sex?
Um, any level of emotional connection or warmth.
Wrong!
See rule number one!
Oh, now you're gonna blackmail me?
Now you're gonna blackmail me.
But I think it's just like, you realize that she doesn't want to have sex with you, so you're also trying to own her by telling her to go to the doctor.
Like, I'll call her bluff.
I'll yell, scream at her to go to the doctor.
That makes her look bad.
The person on the other end of this bizarrely antagonistic relationship still doesn't want to have sex with me and I don't understand why.
I'm going to try yelling some more.
Uh, okay.
Let me, let me just get the best ones out of here.
Um, let's see.
Uh, if you don't, number one, if you don't dress, if you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Nobody wants a soap opera guy.
Soap opera guys are the worst guys.
Soap opera guys are always sleeping with your sister and your mom.
That's what a soap opera guy is.
It's the whole thing.
Nobody wants that.
And their twin.
Yeah, or their twin.
Also, fell down a well in like a mining accident.
I've seen that.
There's always like a mining accident for some reason.
Soap operas have always been behind, you know, been behind co-workers.
It's really cool.
I think it's cool that they like back coal the way they do and the labor force there.
Like, I'm reading this and I'm like, did Tim Allen have a bit about soap opera guys?
Like, I'm trying to think of where this one came from, you know?
It probably isn't like, oh, what am I, a soap opera?
Oh, you want me to bring you flowers like a soap opera?
Or you want to go out to dinner with just a soap opera?
There's so many of these.
Number one, Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
That's good.
That's a classic.
He thought he was in India.
He needed directions.
He very much needed directions.
No, it's when you just go, you go to wherever you're going to go and act like that was the original place.
You know, that's why I do all my grocery shopping at the gas station.
Oh yes, of course.
Point me to your produce, my fine purveyor of goods.
There's banana and there's apples over there.
Just the one red apple.
Either that or you just immediately start enslaving people.
Oh yeah, no, I meant to do this the whole time.
To demonstrate it, this is actually our new home.
Welcome to our new home, babe.
It's Foot Locker.
Number one.
All men see in only 16 colors.
Like Windows default settings, peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
I do like that they were smart enough to say pumpkin is a fruit.
I thought that was pretty cool.
Pretty cool of them.
Pretty advanced.
I like the reference to 16 colors like Windows defaults say.
It's the Windows defaults!
It feels a little soy.
Doesn't it feel just a little soy for this guy?
Yeah, incredibly.
What is his alternative to saying peach?
Like, he's like, that's clearly a pinkish orange.
Not quite a coral, but you don't call that peach.
That's skin.
We don't need any more.
Back when men were men and connections were dial up.
What is his alternative to saying peach?
He's like, that's clearly a pinkish orange.
Not quite a coral, but you don't call that peach.
That skin color.
Actually, this rule is speaking to the higher prevalence of colorblindness in men.
So maybe brush up on your facts there.
Listen, this is a paint household.
We do not download Photoshop or even the free version GIMP.
We do not use the eyedropper tool.
Only the presets.
You got white, gray, black, purple.
What are the 16 colors?
It's way more than even primary and secondary colors.
Yeah.
I don't think I can list.
Like he's okay with chartreuse, but only chartreuse.
Okay.
Uh, number one, if it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
Mm-hmm.
Is that a thing?
Like, husband's notorious scratchers of itches?
Scratch his balls?
You scratch your butt.
Yeah, you scratch your butt and your balls.
Oh, this isn't like, I'll do you a favor and scratch your back.
This is, I'm going to scratch my balls.
Wow.
I don't know why I thought that was going to be.
A cheap fake threat to your partner.
Hey, listen, babe.
If you got aches and pains, they will be massaged.
All right?
Yeah.
Fair warning.
I'm coming for them.
Nothing I hate more than, you know, when my girl has sore feet.
Bunions beware!
They will be pedicured.
You have no choice.
If you have sore tootsies, they will be treated to a spa day.
Yeah, this is like a weird anti-feminism where he thinks feminism is like using the right salad fork.
Yeah, imposing that on men to use the right salad fork or eat salad in the first place!
Yeah, or like putting a nap- it's all just like table manners.
Like that's what feminism is.
You're not allowed to scratch your butt.
No, yeah.
Sorry babe, my asshole itches.
It's not normal for your asshole to itch for 17 months.
Go see a doctor.
Any, okay.
Babe, you have poison ivy.
If you keep scratching it, it's gonna spread and get worse!
Don't tell me what to do!
It will be scratched!
Okay, number one.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
And, uh, oh yeah, TOILET!
Yeah, dawg.
I added that last part, but you know he's thinking about toilet.
I am surprised that, like, tits weren't on the list.
Right.
The joke is, it's always that men only think about sex.
That's the joke.
Yeah, or you could go with the alliteration, like boobs, beers, and brats.
Yeah, yeah.
What is this shotgun formation?
I'm revealing my lack of masculinity over here.
I believe that's a football.
It's a straight football thing.
Straight, yeah, straight football.
Not to be confused with a different kind.
Okay, and finally, number one.
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
And then it's added a really delightful image there at the bottom to go along with it, it looks like, which is a living room, and we see a couch.
It is very foggy, maybe a trick of the lighting, and for some reason there's a big fuckin' hog parked right in the middle of there, man-style.
And no, he doesn't mean his wife.
He's talking about a motorcycle.
Yeah, it's the coolest, it's like the fucking coolest living room I've ever seen.
It's got five couches in it.
You can barely see the couches because there's a thick layer of cigarette smoke.
And there's like several PA speakers on the opposite side of it.
And yeah, there's a motorcycle parked in the center of the room, in the center of rings and rings of tire tracks.
Yeah, that's burnout smoke.
I like to think it's both.
You see there's another motorcycle in the background.
There's a little ATV in the background.
Little quad back there.
What in the fuck is this?
This is the Rough Riders house, actually.
Yeah, I don't know.
If you've never seen a show in a house like this, you've missed out.
Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
Is this supposed to illustrate an own?
Like, you made me sleep on the couch so I did donuts in the living room?
No, I think, honestly, I think it's just a cool picture he liked.
It is pretty cool!
This is how it would look like if he didn't have to deal with his damn wife.
Honestly, A, your friend's flop house, your friend's flop punk house is pretty cozy when you don't have some bitch in your ear telling you it's not.
Yeah, listen, you think you're condemning me to the couch?
Actually, I'm going to go to sleep listening to Speak English or Die being covered by 16 year olds.
Actually, I'm going to make a little tent tonight.
I'm going to take the comforters and I'm going to make a little tent tonight.
A little fort.
And guess who's not welcome?
No girls allowed.
No girls allowed in here.
Yeah, okay.
So, I don't know, hard to say.
I think I'm going to give it to Radio Free Tote Bag here when it comes to advice because I think Louisiana Cajun Recipes loses by default by only having number one, one piece of advice throughout this whole thing.
They could have added something to this, maybe a two or three would have gotten a little more support from me.
We got so many numbers over here, it's hard to compete with.
I got 17 right on the desk next to me.
Damn.
I got a 70.
That's more than one, you know, and you know what that is.
It's so many.
I'm going to go with RFTB for the relationship stuff, but I'm going to stick with my man Louisiana Cajun recipes for the jambalaya.
I make it from a mix.
Hold on.
I'm looking.
I'm going to make Jambalaya for a date that I get advice from y'all from.
Jambalaya, your date advice.
We're crossing the aisle.
I'm looking at Tony's screen.
I hadn't been looking at his video this whole time, but I'm seeing the edge of what looks like a po' boy sticking out of the side of his video feed.
What is this, Tony?
Well, it's actually a cauliflower po'boy that I've made, a little fried cauliflower po'boy.
It's quite delicious, with a nice Cajun dressing on top.
Yeah, if you made it, then why is there a napkin that says, with love, from the Louisiana Facebook page?
That's really none of your business.
Okay.
Listen, hey, don't ask a question unless you're ready to talk about three things, and that's none of them.
Okay.
Shocker information.
All right, so split decision.
Thank you so much to Radio Free Tote Bag for joining us.
You know, it's a great show.
Tony and I have each been on an episode of Radio Free Tote Bag.
I believe Brett Payne was on a fairly recent episode of Radio Free Tote Bag as well.
Yeah.
Good one.
Yeah.
Coming on talking about the solo poly lifestyle.
Yeah, well, it's a good show.
Why don't you tell people where they can listen to it?
Plug any stuff you guys want to.
Yeah, buddy!
You can find our website, rftb.me.
You can find us on social media, at rftbpod.
We got links to our Twitters on there, too.
We got links to the question box, so people can send in questions for us each week, and we answer them.
And I highly recommend checking out the Tony and Alex episodes.
Those were very good ones.
Yeah, those episodes are good.
We gave all the right advice on those episodes.
I think so.
I had a lot of fun doing that.
And you're definitely on my weekly rotation.
Not a lot of people are, so.
Hell yeah!
It's a great show.
Super fun.
Really good guests.
Well, thank you very much.
That makes us feel cool.
Yeah, very fun episode.
If you want more of Minion Death Cult, you can support our show and get a bonus episode every week at patreon.com slash minion death cult p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash minion death cult for only three dollars and eleven cents a month.
You'll help us do the show, show your support, and yeah, get four bonus episodes a month.
Pretty good deal if you ask me for $5 a month, you'll also get access to Tony's podcast, Last Responders, on the incredible, incredible, incredible show 9-1-1 and 9-1-1 Lone Star.
We recently re-watched that first episode that we did an episode of Minion Death Cult on, which was the episode that starts off with the guy doing Killdozer to honor the troops.
Yep.
Such a banger.
And that's just the beginning of that episode.
I had actually not watched the rest of that episode because it was so cool to watch Rob Lowe's character own that guy by saying, actually, I do know what it's like to lose somebody.
I was in 9-11 and the guy's like, oh fuck, and he stops the tank.
The rest of that episode is they're rescuing a telephone lineman because somebody shot him with a crossbow because they were worried about 5G coronavirus.
Jesus.
I didn't know that until literally yesterday when we watched the second half of that episode.
So yeah, we missed out on that part of it, I guess.
Yeah, I think maybe we'll have to, because that episode is so good, and when we did the episode, we didn't get to delve into it the way I get to do it now on Last Responders, so we might have to cover it soon.
But yeah, it's a great show, and I promise, give it a listen, and you're going to have to check it out.
You're going to be part of the legion of fans of Last Responders who just love this stupid show now.
Don't hate me when I've wasted so many hours of your life because of it.
Yeah, so that link again is patreon.com slash MinionDeathCult.
You support the show there and you get a little private code you can plug into your podcast player and the bonus episodes appear right in your normal app wherever you normally listen to podcasts.
We appreciate all your support.
There are still just a few T-shirts left in the larger sizes.
I believe small, medium, and large are sold out.
There's a couple XL, XX, and XXXL left.
Get those while they're there because when they're gone, they're going to be gone for a bit, probably.
Don't feel like packing any more shirts for a while.
So, yeah, thanks everybody for buying them.
I believe all the non-pre-orders are sent out.
Everybody who's pre-ordered, those orders were sent off to the printer last week.
They should be done, I don't know, in the next couple weeks or so, and you will get an email notification when they ship, complete with tracking number.
Thanks again to everybody for listening, and we'll see you soon.
