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Dec. 7, 2020 - Minion Death Cult

01:32:12

Santa is most likely not coming this year and Elfy is dead

This week we cover the bold new idea of "Citizen Dismissal," the customer-service equivalent to a citizen's arrest put forward by humorist David Sedaris. Also: the stark reality of the North Pole under covid restrictions Listen to the Buttfest 2000 miniseries at http://patreon.com/streetfightradio Support the show and get a bonus episode every week at http://patreon.com/miniondeathcult Music: Kal Marks - Nu Legs

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	The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today, so stay tuned.
	We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
	It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
	Stay tuned guys, we'll show you exactly what it looks like when people go to the desert.
	Oh, they're in Barbados, don't stay tuned.
	I'm Alexander Edward.
	I'm Tony Boswell.
	And we're Minion Death Cult.
	The world is ending.
	Suicidal Christmas elves are responsible.
	We're documenting it.
	What's up, everybody?
	It is your regular episode for the week.
	We have not yet reached the part of peak season where we give the middle finger to the cheapskates who listen to this show for free and revert to Patreon-only form.
	So far, we seem to have hired enough scabs at work That I'm still only up to about 11 hour days.
	They are abundant right now, which is good for getting episodes out on time.
	Yeah, I don't blame them.
	I don't blame them for taking the job.
	It's just kind of unfortunate that the seasonal drivers are paid much more than the full-time drivers who are still on their first or second year of progression.
	It's it's it's more of like a indictment of the union than it is an indictment of the company or whatever like the company realizes we need to pay people more to actually have them work here and the union hasn't like bothered to fight for like those employees wages to the you know to the degree that like
	Full-time, already topped out drivers have had their rights fought for, you know?
	Anyway, so we'll keep everybody updated as to how bad work is.
	We'll keep... Don't worry, you'll hear about it, okay?
	You'll hear about it if I'm mad at work.
	Live updates.
	Well, you know, updates.
	Yeah.
	Upstates.
	Right?
	So this episode we are getting into the Christmas spirit that Tony previously alluded to.
	One thing I really want to try to do is I want to try to have like Christmas stuff every episode.
	Doesn't that feel like it makes it feel more Christmassy, right Tony?
	Yeah, it gets me in the mood.
	We like to keep it jolly around here.
	Yeah, and so we have one Christmas topic, but I think that's gonna be the closer because it's it's pretty good.
	I just want to say also, I don't know what just, something just fell.
	I just want to say up top, I am doing a new mini-series with Brian Quimby from Street Fight Radio on the Street Fight Radio Patreon.
	We have already recorded the introduction episode to the mini-series that is going to be called ButtFest 2000.
	Hell yes!
	We as a society and me as a co-host are teaching Brian Quimby about butt rock.
	Brian, as listeners of Street Fight will know, is well versed in nu metal.
	Nobody, nobody really has an edge on Brian when it comes to that.
	He lived through it.
	He was there for like all the, all the little bands that like, I don't even know about.
	He was at a good age for it too.
	He was like prime for it.
	Well, and he was in the right part of the country for it as well.
	Yeah.
	It's like, it's like Bakersfield, California and Columbus, Ohio.
	Like that's, that's like the two epicenters of it.
	Um, He is woefully, woefully uninformed, ill-informed about butt rock.
	And I happen to be, I don't know, pretty well-rounded when it comes to that genre.
	We're immersed in the rock of butts.
	We're embarking on a journey through Butt Rock by the decade.
	And the introductory episode, which we recorded last week, was so much fun.
	Much, much more fun than even I thought it would be.
	I thought it would be fun, but holy cow.
	It ended up mostly being about the band Lit.
	Which I did not plan this.
	That's something that Brian really, it seemed like he wanted to talk about, which is very, very interesting.
	He came, he came with like, um, a yearning for Lit content, which is perfect because I have so much of it.
	Yeah, there are few people in the world who are going to know what you know in the depth that you know it about Lit.
	Like it's, you, You're the perfect person for that.
	No one can have done a better job than this, you know?
	I don't often like to tout my own credentials or whatever, but Lit, I will say with confidence, Lit is my wheelhouse.
	I have at least three personal stories about Lit.
	And that's not counting, like, you know, the trivia I know about Lit, or the Lit's restaurant that I know about, or Lit's, like, inadvertent connection to police killings.
	Yes.
	Like, there's a lot to talk about with Lit.
	They're not a band you would normally jump to when you think about butt rock, but Brian's instincts were correct.
	Brian's instincts were correct bringing up Lit in the context of Butt Rock, so that was just a wonderful episode.
	And it's going to be on their Patreon at some point.
	I thought it was coming out at the end of last week, but we are at the beginning of this week now, so it's coming out soon.
	I'm excited because the skeptic in me doesn't want to just believe that Lit is Butt Rock, but I feel like you're going to take us where we need to go to understand that Lit is truly that.
	Yeah, I mean, I thought we were just shooting the shit about, like, you know, our own personal, like, you know, tastes and experiences and then it just ended up, like, being a real lit heavy episode and, you know.
	Anyway, you should preemptively subscribe to the Street Fight Radio Patreon at patreon.com slash streetfightradio because, you know, that episode is going to drop any minute.
	I'm waiting for the notification.
	And in the meantime, you can listen to their mini-series on televangelists called Holy Boys.
	You can listen to the mini-series on talk radio shock jocks that they do, that Brian does every year, Shocktober.
	You can listen to the 100 million tons of steel miniseries on metal that Tony and I were guests on for the very first episode talking about doom and stoner metal and sludge.
	A little bit of sludge in there too.
	That series is incredible.
	That whole series is absolutely awesome.
	So definitely check it out.
	One of those episodes in the miniseries.
	It feels like shitty to do this.
	But one of the episodes in the 100 Million Tons of Steel miniseries is with Riley from Power Trip before he died.
	Yeah, and it's awesome.
	It's great, and it's like, yeah, it's a little time capsule of him.
	It evoked a lot of the same feelings I get when I listen to the Live in Seattle set, which fucking rules.
	And it's just like, yeah, it's this nice little, definitely check that out.
	So good.
	R.I.P.
	Riley.
	Riley Forever.
	Lots of great content on the Street Fight Radio.
	Patreon.
	If you're not familiar with Streetfighter Radio, I don't know why you're listening to that.
	I don't know how you found our show if you don't know about Streetfighter Radio.
	Anyway, two really good, you know, working-class dads from Columbus, Ohio talked about how work sucks and, you know, left is best, basically.
	So, yeah, support them there and listen to the upcoming ButtFest 2000 miniseries that I'm very excited to be doing with him.
	So, this episode today is gonna be a little loose, a little loosey-goosey, which is, I don't know, I think sometimes our best shows, I think.
	Yeah.
	They're very fun when we do this.
	Tony was busy all day with actual activism.
	And he doesn't even know what we're going to be talking about.
	Yeah, no clue.
	This is all news to me.
	It's going to be a fun surprise for him.
	I am going to play a video from CBS News.
	That got a little bit of attention today.
	This is an interview, not even really an interview.
	It is a...
	Monologue.
	It is a piece.
	It is a TV piece of David Sedaris, who is a, you know, humorist, a writer, a novelist, a comedian.
	I only really know who he is because he's married to Amy Sedaris, star of Strangers with Candy, a show that I loved growing up.
	And I then later found out that David Sedaris, like, wrote books and shit.
	Never got around to reading any of them and I'm happy that that's the case now.
	Yeah that's rough because I mean I saw I kind of saw him trending I didn't get a chance to see what was up with it.
	There's been... David Sedaris has written things I've enjoyed.
	Well he's a humorist and like you like humor so why not?
	I've been called a funny guy.
	So I mean there's like I said there's stuff from him I've like enjoyed but so when I see that stuff coming up It's like oh, no like I was kind of clear that it was like it was We're gonna hate it.
	It's bad.
	I hate it.
	So let me I'm pumped to listen to it Let me just I'll give you a little taste of it just by reading the headline, okay?
	David Sedaris Sedaris Demands the right to fire others The humorist suggests the power of a quote, citizen's dismissal, like a citizen's arrest, could revolutionize customer service.
	So, wait, wait.
	Okay, so like, we can fire anyone we want from their job.
	Yeah.
	Anyone can fire anyone.
	We'll get into more specifics in the video.
	Maybe you know where this is going.
	If you're too online, too with Lib, Twitter, like I am, you're like, oh, you know, somebody I don't know, they follow the ComeTown podcast on Twitter so we should get them fired from their job at Foot Locker or whatever.
	That's like what my mind jumped to.
	Totally.
	But he gets more specific and it's much more of a traditional thing that you're thinking of because I was like, well, hey, if we can do that, I like this idea, right?
	I think every Every person, every citizen of this country should be able to get together and decide who to fire.
	And I think it should be Drumpf.
	Yeah, okay, yeah.
	We're gonna citizen fire a drunk.
	Yeah, which, I mean, when you think about it- That thing, didn't we just do that?
	Kind of what we already did.
	We just did that.
	Win!
	Winning!
	My heart is bursting with community pride that we fired somebody.
	We all got together and fired someone.
	Good job.
	Yeah, so let's listen to this video.
	This is David Sedaris on CBS News.
	A new sort of citizen activism has contributor David Sedaris all fired up.
	During this difficult time when so many Americans are looking for work, I'd like to introduce an idea for something I'm calling the citizen's dismissal.
	It's like a citizen's arrest, but instead of detaining someone, you get to fire them.
	Take this lifeguard in a So it's what so think about how good how good a citizen's arrest is right?
	Think about that good thing about like how somebody in like a suburban neighborhood can like pull a gun on somebody and arrest them you know and like and like force them down onto the ground and and hold them there and perform a citizen's arrest.
	Think about how great that is and now apply it to like every workplace situation where you can just like not like
	Physically like it's it's unfortunately missing that aspect of the citizen's arrest which is where you can like physically hold someone down and restrain them but it is uh it does have the added benefit of like uh removing them from the ability to like make ends meet it has that part insane yeah it has that's that's the good part it's effective you know yeah if you you want it you want people to listen to them you got to speak to their cash you got to talk with their their wallet
	Okay, so he immediately jumps into an example of what he's talking about, thankfully, so we can get a better idea of this... Yeah, thank you.
	Thanks for clarifying.
	...this project he's working on.
	Take this lifeguard at a YMCA I went to.
	I bought a guest pass so that I could swim laps.
	And ten minutes after I'd started, the young woman blew her whistle, calling, you all have to leave now.
	How come, I asked.
	I have to go to my parents' house, she said.
	I thought I hadn't heard her correctly.
	I'm going there to do some laundry, she told me, and then I'm going home.
	Oh, you're going home, alright, I wanted to say, because you are fired.
	I'd have liked it if you... What the f... What?
	What?
	Like, what?
	So, I'm... What a psychopath!
	I don't know.
	I mean, he sounds like he's standing up for customers' rights.
	I love that lifeguard, by the way.
	I love that lifeguard.
	Because I think the answer really was, well, my shift's over.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that's the answer.
	My shift's over and you guys can't be in here unsupervised.
	It's not my fault that no one's coming back, you know?
	I love that it's like, it's your fault as the only lifeguard on duty that you are the only lifeguard on duty.
	Yeah.
	Also, what would you accomplish by firing this lifeguard?
	They're already leaving.
	Well, so what happens is you fire that lifeguard, and then Human Resources at the YMCA, they have to hire a new lifeguard right then to keep the services running.
	And if they don't, then you get to fire that Human Resources person.
	And then if the higher-up corporation doesn't hire a new human resources director to hire a lifeguard, you could fire all the way to the top.
	You can clean house with this policy.
	See, that's the problem though.
	That's the problem with the way we work.
	is accountability and you have to answer for you there's consequences to what actions right so as far as i'm concerned listen to Mr. Sedaris if you're going to fire somebody you need to hold interview process you need to interview people you need to staff that position if you have the right to fire you now have the right to hire which which you know if you got time to fire you got time to hire Yeah, and I think there's some good potential there.
	Like, imagine just walking into the bank and being like, hey, um, excuse me, uh, young person in line, you have a job here now.
	This is your, you can have this job now.
	They're like, no, no, I got a job.
	Nope, shh, mm-mm.
	Actually, you've been fired from that job.
	You don't have a job.
	And you're just making moves all day as a customer.
	You're just making savvy economic moves here and there.
	I like that.
	I think society knows what's best for itself, so we'll end up where we're going to end up, and that's where it's going to be.
	That truly is like the marketplace stabilizing.
	That is like the marketplace regulating itself.
	If a customer can just be like, no, no, no, no, no.
	I don't like you.
	Get out of there.
	Get out of there.
	Yeah, no, get out of there.
	No, you.
	You over there.
	You over there.
	I like the cut of your jib.
	Come on down.
	Can you count?
	Parentheses white.
	Come on down.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I think there's a lot of potential there.
	Hey, you with the 3% tattoo, why don't you come over here into, you know, I don't know, what job do I not feel comfortable with?
	Yeah, is anything just barista?
	Hey, I don't like this person's purple hair.
	Can you come froth my milk and pour my latte?
	Thank you.
	I also, so this is David Sedaris, who's...
	Let's just say, uh, comfortable at this point in his life.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Comfortable enough to where this guy is an author and we're talking, you're talking about comfortable financially.
	I'm just talking about comfortable, uh, with his personality.
	This person's an author and for some reason was like, I have this thing.
	I'm going to record a monologue.
	I'm not just going to write, I'm not going to write it and release it.
	People need to hear my voice now.
	No, I think he's, I think he's like a, wait, it says his title is like a humorist.
	Like I think he does do like NPR style, uh, what do you call it?
	You know, like, uh, memoirs and shit like that.
	You know, like I know he reads his own audio books and things like that.
	Like they, like those have been recommended to me.
	Um, Anyway, I'm pretty sure David Sedaris is a millionaire.
	I'm just gonna guess.
	Yeah.
	I'm just gonna guess.
	He's cozy, for sure.
	I'm gonna guess this guy appearing on CBS News complaining about minimum wage workers and service staff is a millionaire.
	Just gonna throw that out there and just make a big assumption.
	Hey, maybe it comes back to bite me in the ass and he's only worth $800,000 or something.
	$800,000 or something embarrassing like that.
	So he is complaining about the only lifeguard on duty A first responder, by the way.
	Yeah!
	Uh, complaining about her having to go to her parents' house to do her fucking laundry.
	Assumingly, because she can't afford to- she can't afford washing and drying machines.
	Exactly!
	At her apartment that she definitely rents out because she doesn't make enough to own a home.
	No way.
	And your complaint is that she's not there to make sure you got your dollars worth for your guest pass at the YMCA.
	Don't leave yet.
	It's only been 10 minutes.
	You should have thought of that before you bought your fucking ticket, bro.
	It's definitely on the schedule.
	Incredible and just like I guess I love that lifeguard because the answer for sure was my shift's over But they're keeping like actually I have things to do.
	She was trying to do my laundry.
	She was trying to like Give him more information than was necessary to like justify her behavior.
	Yeah totally she didn't have to justify her behavior and She was like, hey, listen, like, I'm sorry, I have to, like, do, like, I have to go home and, like, do these important things.
	Like, washing my uniform that I have to wear for work.
	Yeah, yeah, exactly.
	This is, I've, I've worn this three days in a row now because I haven't been able to get to my mom's house.
	The thing about, you need to, at your job, you need to give 110% because there's always someone willing to do your same job at 110%.
	at 110% and if you're doing your job at 110% you're staying at least 30 to 45 minutes after your shift is over you need to make sure that 10% we're You need to make sure all the humorists are taken care of.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Think about that next time.
	Think about that next time you're closing up the coffee shop, or maybe you're getting ready to shut down the body shop, or maybe you have an office job or something like that.
	What if that last customer, that last potential customer, is a somewhat funny humorist?
	Yeah.
	Is someone who's funny enough to be considered a humorist?
	Is somebody who's married to Jerry Blank who's actually very funny?
	Yeah?
	What about that?
	That's... uh...
	Then you gotta stay.
	You can't leave.
	Listen, Jerry Blank comes into my truck, my package car...
	And I'm like, listen, I have 18 minutes to drive back to the building before I'm in violation of federal law driving over 14 hours.
	And it's Jerry fucking Blank.
	And she's like, listen, I got my new dentures in the back there.
	Or she's like, I got my new Sibian that I need to ride right now.
	I can see it right there.
	I can see the box.
	I'll be like, alright, cool.
	Uh, I'm gonna get you that, and then I'm gonna have a supervisor come pick me up.
	Yeah, cause you gotta do it, you gotta pull over.
	I'm gonna do that, but I now can't drive anymore.
	Worth it.
	Jerry Blank's fucking husband?
	Whoever that is?
	No.
	I'm sorry.
	I don't care.
	Yeah, fuck off.
	This video gets better, dude.
	This is, what an incredible idea.
	What an incredible idea for, uh, A bunch of people with no problems.
	Wait, this came out, like, today?
	Yeah, this was on Sunday morning CBS News or whatever.
	Doug, you're not even supposed to, like, are we even supposed to swim in pools?
	Are we even supposed to be in lane pools?
	Kind of buried the lead here.
	For those of you listening, ten years in the future, from 2020 to 2027, the U.S.
	2020 to 2027, the U.S. was involved in a nationwide pandemic that, you know, affected nearly all like public spaces, including, you know, private businesses and such.
	And yeah, this guy wants to get people fired, which we'll get to in the comments.
	This guy wants to fire minimum wage employees who have to work through a pandemic.
	that lifeguard would have to dive into Chill.
	pool of COVID soup in order to save your clear-framed glasses wearing piece of shit ass Chill chill God I thought I hesitated but I couldn't you He's also wearing a suit.
	I'm also wearing clear frame glasses, but I'm wearing an anti-police shirt, so it's fine.
	I'm also not a rich white man.
	Yeah, yeah.
	These glasses are... clear-framed glasses are an interesting thing and I love hate them.
	But also, you have to give your mouth to mouth if you drown and then, you know, that's putting you... you know, like, this is fucked up.
	Like, why are you swimming laps at the YMCA, bro?
	You shouldn't be doing that.
	Yeah, you're a millionaire.
	Buy your own fucking pool, you parasite.
	Get one of those sick ass like stationary pools that like, you swim against the current?
	If I'm rich, I got one of those in my room for sure.
	But okay, so anyway, aside from the fact that this is a pool, the whole concept is in the middle of a pandemic when people are out of work, A, people are out of work, so the idea of getting to fire whoever you want is not going to be appealing to most people.
	Even if you don't have a fucking job, the idea of getting to fire people willy-nilly because you didn't like the tone that the server or the lifeguard was giving you, that's not going to resonate with a lot of people.
	Second of all, A lot of people are working during the pandemic.
	Myself and Tony included.
	A lot of service work.
	It's mostly service work.
	Alright?
	Mostly service work.
	People who- And that too- And if- Like those people, we are shit on so much anyways, that given the option of firing, we all gonna lose our jobs.
	Everybody.
	Yeah.
	Um... Like, office- People who do not interface with the customer unless it's like over a phone or something like that, They're working from home right now.
	Office, office workers, etc.
	They don't have to talk to customers.
	They're just working from home.
	Everybody who still has to talk to a customer has to also work through the pandemic.
	Yeah, exactly.
	And you are going to do your humorous piece about your fantasy of being able to fire them.
	Yeah, having no clue the impact of jobs, of why we show up to work in the first place, Like, fuck off, dude.
	Because that service worker didn't, like, handle and navigate the nationwide pandemic they're being forced to work through well enough for your taste.
	Fuck all the way off, you gelatinous piece of shit.
	I'll tell you what, you can fire people so long as you do all the work in a timely manner to file for unemployment as well.
	Like, you can fire me, but you also have to do all the work to make sure that I get my unemployment.
	I get- are we- do- do we- do people still get like that extra 600 bucks for unemployment now?
	Hell naw.
	Hell naw.
	Like, did that expire yet?
	I don't- I don't know what's going on with unemployment.
	But anyway, this is like a fucking squid person.
	I'm sorry, you're like below a reptile.
	Yeah, you suck.
	Let's listen to more.
	Let's listen to more with the audio on.
	Oh, you're going home alright, because I am dropping the hammer on you.
	I am giving you the boot.
	You're going home all right because I am dropping the hammer on you.
	I am giving you the boot.
	You, young miss, you are fired.
	What a creep, dude.
	What a sick person.
	I'd have liked to do the same to a salesperson who worked at a store where my sister and I bought a number of very expensive cups and saucers.
	Fuck you, bro.
	Fuck you, bro!
	You should carry them in your gaping open mouth, you fucking crybaby.
	That's where you should carry them.
	You should store them in your neck sack, you fucking amphibian.
	Does he think it's that person's fault that there's no bubble wrap?
	Like, people have no clue how businesses work.
	How anything works.
	They don't know what bosses are.
	They don't understand how hierarchy works in the job place.
	Like, that is not that person's fault at all.
	Listen to where it goes, okay?
	I just think, before we get to that, because what we get to is going to take up all the attention from us, but just think about that.
	During a pandemic, again, I hate to keep harping on this, sound like a broken record, but during a pandemic when people can't fucking pay their rent, When people are getting fired, when people are getting laid off, you know?
	Even, like, your boss is getting laid off from himself because he can't keep his fucking store open or whatever.
	Yeah.
	And then, like, your small business tyrant boss is, like, possibly struggling because of how, like, how big of a deal this is, right?
	This guy thinks it's a good idea to complain On uh what's what's the what's the other definition not cable television like basic tell what's what's yeah it's CBS like yeah it's a basic it's a basic channel like a channel that everybody gets that you don't have to pay for
	Like, to complain on broad, like, broadly broadcasted television about how you didn't get enough bubble wrap for your, quote, very expensive dishes.
	Cups and saucers.
	That's another level.
	That's a whole nother level.
	Me and my sister, we just needed a number of expensive cups and saucers.
	And there was no bubble wrap.
	Life is difficult.
	And I want to just fire you.
	What if I broke these expensive cups and saucers?
	What am I supposed to carry, something?
	Is that what you're suggesting?
	That I'm supposed to carry the thing that I bought?
	Yeah, so wild.
	And like I said, it's not even that person's fault.
	No, of course not.
	That person probably said, Hey, are you sure you want to buy these today?
	We can hold them for you.
	Uh, we, we just don't have anything to wrap it with right now.
	Sorry.
	Just wait.
	Just wait, dude.
	Wait till you hear like what his suggestion for how it should have been handled is.
	Oh no.
	Oh no.
	Well, they're yours.
	So we should what?
	Just carry the cups and saucers in our hands?
	My sister asked.
	Well, they're yours, the woman said.
	You bought them.
	Do you have a purse?
	I wanted to ask.
	If so, you need to get it and go home.
	My sister and I are firing you.
	Like, like, we just spent four years in liberal hell because Donald Trump, a man whose famous phrase was "you're fired" was president.
	Like, I can't begin to describe how tone-deaf this is.
	It's not even tone-deaf for, like, the working class, or tone-deaf for leftists.
	It's tone-deaf for everybody!
	It's nuts.
	Also, please, please try that with the wrong one.
	Please try that with the wrong one.
	I love stuff like that.
	I would love to see him and his sister get his ass whooped by the salesperson who sold them the cups and saucers.
	Also, the way he said that was so shitty.
	Do you have a purse?
	Because if you do, you might want to grab that on your way out because you're fired.
	Fuck you.
	Owned.
	I'm coming over the counter.
	Listen, do you have kids in daycare?
	Well, you might want to call that establishment and tell them that that's not going to be a thing anymore.
	Yeah.
	Think of all the money you're going to save, though.
	You're welcome.
	That's... what?
	Like, she didn't even do anything that bad.
	Like, at all.
	No!
	No!
	Not at all!
	Because, like, also, fuck the sister.
	Yeah, you know, you would give a really shitty answer saying, oh, what do you want me to carry them?
	In my hands?
	Like, that's such a shitty thing to say.
	With my bare hands?
	Is that what you want?
	You want me to carry these, like, you want me to carry these expensive saucers and cups and tureens with my bare hands like a caveman?
	Yeah, and like, if you would have been kind to that person at all, I'm sure you would have had a different result.
	Listen, all you have to do is you make a basket with your shirt, honey.
	Like in King of the Hill, alright?
	Yeah.
	That's what you do.
	You use your shirt to make a little basket when you steal office supplies from the closing store.
	Yeah.
	Okay, it keeps going, dude.
	I just love, I love how, like, If this weren't on CBS, like I made a big deal about it being on CBS or whatever, if this were just on YouTube or if this were his like video embedded to Twitter, I would still know that he was a fucking millionaire.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Because this is like what his problems are, you know what I mean?
	Because he bought some very expensive cups and saucers.
	Okay, I'm keeping going here.
	I'm not suggesting that we go crazy with this.
	We all have our off days.
	Certain people, though, could easily be replaced by go-getters who'd say, I've got an idea.
	Let's wrap your pottery in my socks and underwear.
	Or you could use your own if you have a thing against germs.
	That's the kind of person I want to deal with.
	Someone with solutions.
	The sort who'd say, if I keep the pool open, could I maybe do my laundry at your house?
	As customers, though, we need to keep our end of the bargain.
	Of course you can do your laundry at my place, we'll say.
	I just need to throw in some socks and panties.
	I promise to return to someone who, like you, is really good at her job.
	Whoa.
	You know what?
	You know what?
	David's got a point.
	Maybe if we were paying people a living wage, We can have some expectations like this, but that's insane.
	No, I'm sorry, for a living wage, I'm not going to give a customer my underwear.
	Exactly.
	Also, if I really told someone, I can just wrap it in my chones if you want.
	That's not cool.
	It's called sexual harassment.
	Yeah, that's so wild, but I would have to charge him a lot more for my socks.
	This is like the only way we can get liberals and centrists on board with OnlyFans, is if you combine it with customer service.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Listen, I'm a sex worker, but you can still look down on me.
	You can still demand that I remove my clothing to wrap your crystal punchbowl in.
	Yeah, that's going to be the name of the title of the video.
	It's going to be like, um, Wrapping Cup and Saucers for a Customer.
	And it's just striptease.
	Like, also, I love this whole thing.
	All I'm asking you to do is just change your whole life.
	I'm just asking you to just, like, don't come to your parents' house.
	Come to my house, a stranger.
	Come over to my house at a different schedule.
	Which is 100% a lie.
	He's not gonna- He would never, never, absolutely never let her wash her clothes at his fucking house.
	And she shouldn't have to in the first place.
	I love that the answers that he gave them are so much snootier and shittier.
	Like, if the lifeguard told him that, it was like, oh, no, no, I have to go to my parents' house and do lingerie there, but if you want, I can come to your house and do it at your house.
	That's a way, like, that's a little sassy.
	Yeah, right, right.
	But that's what he wants, which is so stupid.
	I hate him.
	I hate him so much.
	He's bad, dude.
	This is my first encounter with David Sedaris.
	It's not good.
	I remember reading some book that I didn't mind.
	I had some laughs.
	It was humorous, some might say.
	I read one that was narrated by Stephen Colbert.
	I'm not sure if it was a...
	It might have been a Stephen Colbert book.
	I don't remember.
	It was an early work.
	Either way, it was humorous for sure.
	Dude, there was so much humorism in it when I was listening to it.
	This is almost over.
	I'm just going to play the tail end of it.
	I promise to return to someone who, like you, is really good at her job.
	Okay and it just fades out with like a Sun logo.
	Like the CBS Sun logo.
	And I like that he says panties too.
	That doesn't make it sound even creepier.
	Man, that fucking word.
	I like, it sucks.
	I like, that word's just like a weird cringey word.
	I'm a big fan of the word chonies.
	I think chonies is a good word.
	I like undies as a substitute for panties.
	Undies is good.
	Undies is good.
	But I like lost that battle.
	I would always refer to chonies or whatever.
	And no one in my family uses chonies.
	Why are you talking about your mom's chonies, dude?
	My mom talks about my chonies.
	But she says panties when she talks about them.
	Yes, exactly.
	And it's just like, I lost that battle.
	I was really pushing for chonies, but everybody kept on pushing panties.
	And I was like, whatever.
	It's weird because I've had like exes in the past who referred to their own garments as panties.
	And then I've like had an equal number of relationships with women who absolutely detest the word panties.
	And so like, what am I to do?
	Which group of women am I supposed to believe?
	All right?
	You know what?
	When in doubt, just default to bloomers.
	But I like undies.
	I think undies is a good compromise.
	Yeah, I like undies.
	I like chonies.
	I'm a chonies guy.
	Either way, I don't want to hear David Sedaris talk about his lifeguards underwear.
	It's not just like a lifeguards underwear.
	Like that's something that like every every man is fantasized about right getting to wash his lifeguards underwear Totally, but it's all the time in the context of like you need to fulfill this service for me and in order to pay you back I'm going to handle your panties I'm going to take your panties home as my gift to you.
	Alright?
	Yeah, you're welcome.
	And if you let that happen, if I get to take your panties home, then I won't fire you.
	Yeah, and it's not even like if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
	You're going to bend to my will.
	If you scratch my back twice, I won't end your life.
	Yeah, exactly.
	I won't ruin everything.
	I won't ruin your whole life.
	I won't make you on house in the near future.
	That's amazing.
	Let's read some comments from here.
	So like I said with the not being able to read the room and by room I mean the entire nation.
	David Sedaris' responses, even on his own Facebook page, were not positive.
	He had maybe the top, and when I say top, I don't mean democratically decided top, not like Reddit or anything, but the first 10 comments, maybe, were positive and like, hey, ha ha ha, you so funny, kind of thing.
	And then every other comment was like, this is fucked up, dude.
	This is like extremely bad taste.
	Sorry.
	Not only given everything that's going on right now, but just in general, it makes you sound like a piece of shit.
	Yeah.
	Who the fuck do you think you are?
	And I'm gonna read a couple interesting comments, a couple interesting responses.
	For one thing, Christian says, this is remarkably tone-deaf at a time when many people in the service industry are losing jobs through no fault of their own.
	I can't believe this God on air.
	And then Jackie responded to that, uh, again, David's point being, there are plenty of folks who would be delighted to replace these bad employees.
	Pandemic indeed.
	Yes.
	That's kind of the whole thing.
	It's like, yeah, it's a, it's, people need jobs and people need income.
	You're just like trying to take that away.
	It doesn't matter if they need it.
	Do they deserve it though?
	Do they deserve food?
	Do they deserve like housing?
	Are they really good at their job?
	Are they real go-getters?
	Are they willing to wash their chonies at my house?
	Are they willing to, like, impress a middle-aged man with, you know, his gray hair dyed brown and hip prescription glasses?
	Are they willing to, like, do what it takes, go the extra mile for that person?
	Are you willing to preserve my cups and saucers?
	Yeah I don't how does this differ from like the social Darwinism that like the far right espouses?
	It it that's the thing it it does like because the the the angle he's taking is so wild it's like yeah some people have I was ready to kind of Maybe be a little sympathetic where it's like I had a really really rude person be really rude to me and he was racist.
	He was a racist the whole time and he was awful and kept on like looking at my partner's body in a weird way and I wanted to fire them right there.
	But that's not at all what it was.
	It was like, I was a bit inconvenienced, and they should lose their job.
	Well, so, it's funny that you brought that up.
	This is maybe, like, a heavier conversation than this topic warrants, but I don't know, like, it's as good a time as any for us to talk about it.
	I was talking to Ani last night, like, about how the left should view uh these sort of conflicts like in a sort of like either an intro workplace situation where you and your co-worker are not uh let's just put it nicely getting along or where you and um you know somebody you're helping is not getting along or where you and somebody who's helping you
	Is like possibly a bigot or possibly racist or whatever and in my mind um and you know uh feel free to contradict this Tony but like in my mind I think the benchmark should be is this person who's being racist or being bigoted or being transphobic or being homophobic or being misogynistic is this person in a position of power
	To like actually fuck up your life.
	Or is your relationship with them that they're being an asshole to you?
	Because neither is good, but I think one is different than the other.
	Yeah, I think it makes sense, yeah.
	And it gets sticky when it's like a co-worker.
	If your co-worker is being racist to you, if your co-worker is being misogynistic or, you know, threatening you or saying shit that makes you feel, like, unsafe as, like, a marginalized person.
	Like, what is the left's, like, I don't know, what is our philosophy about going to management to
	quote get that person fired or whatever and I think this the what I after talking about it you know these are two white people talking about it but like what I thought what I came to is like it is our responsibility as like workers as like people on the left or whatever to stand up for each other to tell that person who is being bigoted or whatever Knock that shit off.
	That shit's not cool.
	Fuck you.
	And also to, like, fight that person off the clock.
	To, like, you know what I mean?
	To, like, kick the shit out of that person if they deserve it or whatever.
	I don't know how that intersects with, like, employment because it seems like there has to be an acknowledgement of a working-class, like, Horizontalism there, you know?
	What are your thoughts on this?
	So you're right in that that's kind of like what I would like to do, but there's also the reality of the system we work within, right?
	So for instance, I had a co-worker who was So racist!
	I think I've talked to LaSora on the show before.
	I was doing... I was doing like construction type work and we were doing... we were putting in insulation in a... we were putting insulation in a... an overhead... like a roof basically.
	In a ceiling.
	And sometimes people call insulation cotton and I had a co-worker He told me to pick him some cotton, which felt wild in the first place, and then it was only solidified when he continued to whistle Dixie as he asked me to do it.
	Now, the thing is, I was like, hey, I want to fuck you up right now, but I know you'll call the cops.
	So that's the reality of it.
	And then when I went to my boss, he was like, I don't understand what Whistling Dixie is because unless, unless you're, you know, either have, you know, been a victim of racism or from the South, you might not understand why that's bad.
	Right.
	You know?
	Um, so basically he's whistling in a song at me that is, that is a song that is about racism and preserving slavery.
	Um, and so nothing was done about that.
	I had to just be like, Hey, listen, I can't work with him anymore.
	Cause I'm going to fuck him up.
	I'm going to beat him up and you're going to be out two employees because he's going to be injured and I'm going to be in jail.
	So you need to do something about that.
	But yeah, it is weird.
	It all depends on how it's happening, right?
	If it's happening to you personally, then you need to do whatever you need to do to make yourself be safe.
	Because you're never going to get paid enough to be not safe.
	And at that point I didn't feel safe because I couldn't trust this guy who hates me because of who I am to hold my ladder.
	Yeah, totally.
	That's the bottom line, you know?
	So, you need to advocate to the point where you feel safe, but if it's just someone who's an asshole, who just is an asshole, maybe not to, you know, like, if he's putting people in harm around you, yeah, you gotta make sure everyone's safe.
	But, um, and that's even, like, if you don't feel, you don't want people to be stressed out because this person's gonna be a racist or a misogynist or an asshole to them.
	You know so you need to preserve everyone's safety and that includes emotional safety um but if it's just like you just don't like the person then like And you can just let it rock?
	Then let it rock, because like you said, they don't have to push into power to where they can hold who you are against you and stop you from moving up.
	Then fuck it.
	Make it known that they suck.
	Everyone needs to know that they suck.
	Don't let them be comfortable.
	But also, what am I going to do?
	Tell HR, HR doesn't give a fuck.
	That's another point that we were talking about last night.
	Like you just said, the foreman or whoever on that job didn't give a shit that that person was racist.
	I think holding your ladder is considered a position of power.
	That's true, that's what I'm saying.
	That guy has your safety in his hands.
	That company was such an awful company.
	It's the company I worked for when we first started the show.
	It was such an awful company that I went from working in the field vacuuming up human shit and doing construction work to being the office manager in three months.
	I did force that guy to the point where he quit because I was his boss.
	Wow!
	Okay, now the tables have turned.
	Oh no, I was just giving him a lot of good work, that was all.
	But then I also had to quit because the company was so fucking terrible.
	So yeah, I don't know.
	I just don't think, aside from this conversation, I thank you for fucking sharing that and breaking that down because that is like...
	That is an interesting or a valuable way to look at it.
	I think, aside from these specifics, aside from situations where you are in harm's way because of a racist co-worker or a bigoted co-worker, I just think like maybe a general rule again, like I'm speaking from a place where I have a union job So like a lot of that work has already been done for me.
	Yeah And you know also like like I mean, I mean the world is getting way more bigoted towards white males white cisgender white males, so I got I have that to think about but I think a general rule of thumb is, like, firing is not the answer.
	Like, if it gets you safer, if your safety is in jeopardy, or if your livelihood is in jeopardy because of this, like, fucking government employee, or this bank employee, or this somebody with power is, like, fucking with you because of your identity, Uh, then fuck yeah, get that person fucking fired, move them over to an actual job, move them over to like, you know, somewhere they actually have to work or whatever.
	Um, but I don't think like firing is, is the place we should always be looking for the, for solutions on the left.
	I think that that's like a, like, If that's your focus, it's like anti-worker by like definition.
	And then B, it's also doesn't solve anything.
	It doesn't actually solve the problem.
	Like it might like make you feel good because that bad person, you know, suffered a little bit or whatever, which is always fun.
	But it doesn't make them any like less racist or it doesn't like, you know, make them any less like bigoted.
	I think this is something that needs to be established in all workplaces.
	You don't have to be friends and family with people you work with.
	No, yeah.
	Try to establish this thing where it's like, hey, listen, we have the same job.
	We work for the same company.
	We have way more in common when it comes to these things than anything else.
	100% dude.
	So like I don't need to fucking hear about your dumb bullshit like whatever racist opinion you have outside of this workplace like here shut the fuck up do your job Like, with me, because we're together here, because we both have this... You're not better than me.
	We're on the same roof, you know?
	And I'm not better than you.
	We're on the same roof.
	And like, I don't know, try to establish ties under that, like, class solidarity over anything.
	Totally.
	And I feel like most of these people...
	Like, most of these racists or misog- They're like, cowards, too.
	Like, they're not gonna- Totally.
	They're gonna do things like you said, Tony.
	Whistle Dixie.
	They're going to, like, whistle a secret Nazi code.
	Or whatever.
	His mission was to get me mad enough to fuck up and lose my job.
	Yeah.
	That was his mission.
	So, yeah, we need to remove those people from positions of power.
	But, like, when- I mean, the thing is... Humans- Humans need income to live.
	And giving that person more reason to be mad at the society they're in is not going to help.
	It's a difficult thing to navigate.
	It's definitely a circumstantial thing.
	But I think in general, don't give them the power and make sure that your safety is the most important thing.
	But yeah, don't, don't like, don't get someone fired just because they came with a Blue Eyes Matter sticker on their car.
	Right, I think, like, and that's like, unfortunately, that's like, I mean, defunding the police is a popular position despite, you know, what fucking Joe Biden or Barack Obama want to say.
	Like that's a popular position, but also supporting Blue Lives is a popular position.
	That's a mainstream position.
	Supporting the troops is a mainstream... I mean, fuck, supporting Trump is a mainstream position.
	Yes.
	Yes.
	So, that's something we have to think about when we're talking about building class solidarity, when we're talking about building a left project.
	You have to take into consideration, while I feel like left policies are, broadly speaking, pretty popular and amenable to even...
	quote normal people or disengaged people or whatever it's you still are going to have to deal with racists you're still gonna have to deal with like misogynists and shit and it's yeah and I just I don't like looking at fucking David Sedaris this fucking monologue he gave it's like
	It's like looking into one of those flash-forwards in a TV sitcom about what the left could turn into.
	to, you know, or what, like, what we, what we could be if we don't folk, if we don't have a clear thought in mind about like a class project, you know?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Like a pro tip for, um, for gaining solidarity in your workplace is talk about things like healthcare because you're going to have the same healthcare plan.
	Yep.
	You're gonna have you're gonna have the same health care plan and just talk to you that's like that's hey listen I hate cops you love cops but if we both get cancer we're gonna pay the same price.
	Right.
	Let's talk about that let's find that common enemy.
	I mean, so much of like- Also, like, you know, all those things.
	Find that solidarity, like, dude, that's an easy one.
	So much of the right-wing, like, faux- I'll call it faux-populism, uh, in terms of, like, their leadership, their branding.
	Like, Rand Paul is a faux-populist.
	Fucking, uh, who's the guy with the one eye, with the eye patch?
	Oh yeah, I forget his name.
	Whoever his name is.
	The Saturday Night Live guy.
	Yeah, the Saturday Night Live guy, wow.
	The guy from Saturday Night Live.
	Wow, that's like even more of an insult to him.
	I like it.
	He's a faux populist.
	Like all these people are like fake populists because they're like appealing to the widespread disdain of quote elites.
	Yes.
	That's a normal thing for people to dislike, is the elites.
	Now how you frame the elites or how you talk about the elites depends on what side of the culture war you're on or whatever.
	But if you're on the left, the elites are the elites.
	Everybody in Hollywood, those are all millionaires.
	Those are all capitalists.
	You know, on either side of the culture war who is considered an elite, unless you're talking about like outright just Jews or whatever, you're gonna find common ground with the right wing and your disdain for the upper echelon of society.
	What's interesting about the right, though, is the right allows the elites to tell them that they hate the elites.
	So like him, who's a politician, He's an elite.
	He is the elite.
	The same argument would be made, they would say like, oh AOC is an elite.
	And she's telling you to hate, or Bernie Sanders is an elite.
	And they're telling you to hate the elite or whatever.
	Yeah, I guess.
	That would be their argument.
	I wouldn't call AOC an elite.
	Now she is a member of Congress and makes a huge salary now.
	And does have like access to the finer things in life or whatever.
	But all of her policies would, like, actively disadvantage her.
	Like, everything she's... Same thing with Sanders.
	Like, everything they're arguing for would, like, actively, like, you know, be against their personal interests if they were focused on that.
	One of the biggest differences here too is that like when we talk about like AOC and Bernie, we also follow it by saying like they're not everything.
	I mean like Bernie's really let us down.
	Bernie's not like I mean he's not He's not the end-all be-all, he's not our God-kind answer, you know?
	But they'll never be able to say that about Dan Crenshaw.
	They'll have to say, like, that's still our guy, you know?
	But we're also... Not everyone can even do that part where we're willing to, like...
	That's just for, like, sickos.
	That's just for, like, sickos who are, like, pay so much attention to this.
	Like, most people are like, oh, AOC, I love her!
	Or, oh, Dan Crenshaw, I love him.
	Like, most people are not, like, granularly going through their different votes or their different statements and picking and choosing.
	Which is a shame.
	It was funny because apparently, so I didn't watch this this monologue that David Sedaris did on CBS Sunday morning.
	Good morning, Sunday morning.
	But apparently he gave this monologue right after CBS had a piece showing Like, okay, I'm just gonna read this comment.
	David Sedaris is not for everyone.
	His privileged life is somewhat nauseating during a pandemic and showing the segment, so this segment, showing this segment after the eviction piece was a bad call.
	Whoa!
	So this like followed a CBS piece about evictions.
	Incredible.
	So, we just showed you a bunch of people getting evicted from their homes.
	Now, for a lighter side of the news, and it's just David Sedaris talking about lusting after firing people.
	Well, I mean, no, we're thinking about this all wrong.
	If that could have happened, what would have happened is that when the landlord shows up to evict us, we fire the landlord, and then when the cops show up to pull us out, we fire them.
	So, okay, see, this is the thing.
	This might work.
	We just gotta really commit to it.
	First of all, we gotta fire David Sedaris.
	David Sedaris is no longer a humorist.
	Yeah, he stinks.
	He stinks bad.
	Let's move on to the second topic of the night, which is more festive.
	More festive topic.
	This was brought to us by, uh... Let me just... One second here, pull up the, uh... Link, this was brought- I'm excited to get in some good old-fashioned Xmas content.
	Yes.
	This is from Matt.
	I won't say Matt's last name because I think Matt is friends with the person who made the post that I'm about to read.
	But Matt did post this into the Minion Death Commandos Facebook group.
	And shout out to Matt, alright?
	Shout out, Matt.
	Thank you for sharing this.
	This is a post from a guy named Aiden Killian, who I think is Irish.
	Matt might be Irish as well.
	The top line of this post, this Facebook post, says, Letter from Santa!
	Parentheses.
	For adults.
	Oh hey!
	And then it starts.
	Dear children, So, off to a rocky start here.
	Weird, yeah?
	I'm just confused now.
	I'm hoping I can use context clues throughout, but I'm also happy that I'm not reading this to my child at this point.
	Yeah, I think that's a safe bet.
	Dear children, ho ho ho.
	I hope you have all been good little boys and girls this year.
	Even if you have been good, I'm afraid I won't be able to visit you this Christmas unless you live within 5 kilometers distance from my grotto at the North Pole.
	I think grotto is what they call a home in Ireland.
	He uses the word grotto a lot.
	Because grotto to me is just like sexy pool jacuzzi.
	Like sexy jacuzzi cave.
	It's like the bougie area of your nice home.
	No, it's a sexy jacuzzi cave, for sure, right?
	Yeah, it's like the Playboy Mansion has a grotto.
	Like, that's the only grotto I've ever heard of.
	You don't remember my grotto that I have?
	No.
	Did I visit your grotto?
	You've been gone for a while.
	You've been gone for a minute.
	Yeah, it's been a minute.
	It's hard to forget.
	I must have been... I must have been faded... That was the night that you hit my weed pin.
	Oh, that's right.
	I was about to hit my weed pen a little too hard.
	You hit the grotto too.
	It was sick.
	Yeah.
	I am also writing to let you know about what is going on in the North Pole with our delightful little toy making elves.
	As you know, these joyful little toy makers love to play, sing, laugh, dance, and have fun.
	So you can imagine how difficult they found the COVID regulations.
	Maybe the ones that said you can't laugh dance sing and have fun.
	Maybe you see that was pretty far going now When it became illegal to visit their loved ones their smiles turned into frowns and their laughter turned into sighs I Like isn't... Aren't the Santa's elves, like aren't they like just slaves that like live up in the North Pole?
	And I think they all like, they're all, they're loved ones, they work with it.
	It's like multi-generational slavery.
	It's chattel slavery.
	Yeah, not only that, but I mean, they're not allowed to like travel there.
	And like, we can't visit them.
	I don't even know how... Is it the reindeers?
	Did they get it from the reindeers?
	I think Santa brought it back.
	Oh shit, yeah, because I forgot that it was in China last Christmas.
	It's been over a year, I forget about that.
	No, it was in America last Christmas, too.
	Oh, it was in America last Christmas.
	Yeah, it was over here last, at least in Seattle.
	Fuck!
	Is that what happened?
	Did Santa spread it all over the world?
	Super spreader, dude.
	God damn it, okay.
	Last Christmas, I gave you COVID.
	The very next day, you gave it away.
	I wish the very next year we spread it more.
	This year, COVID's still here.
	It's never going away.
	Nope.
	I'm also writing to let you know, at first, the elves had a few beers in the evenings to help get through lockdown, but it was not long before the whiskey came out.
	Uh-huh.
	The government offered them free COVID money to not work, or as they called it, quote, whiskey funds.
	But this made things worse.
	Some of them became overly concerned about the consequences of the government borrowing billions.
	Uh-huh.
	I recently heard one of the elves mumble in a pool of his own puke, quote, these regulations are a destruction of our liberties.
	All fucked up, all super drunk.
	Right.
	Also, wait a second, who's writing this again?
	Who?
	A guy.
	Just a guy.
	A guy?
	Okay.
	A friend of a friend.
	A friend of a listener.
	Alright.
	An ally elf.
	An elf ally.
	Yeah.
	I tried to cheer him up by singing my favorite song, Jingle Bells.
	But he told me to fuck off and threw the empty bottle at me.
	Ho ho ho!
	What mischievous little chaps they can be!
	And that's like... Imagine... That's like the only genuine laugh I got out of this.
	Like, getting a bottle thrown at you and saying fuck off and then saying, oh what a little mischievous little chap.
	I thought that was funny.
	Imagine being in like a depression hole in a drunken stupor and the homie walks in and starts singing Jingle Bells at you.
	And, like, you're also mocking me because that's, like, your whole job?
	I'm pissed.
	I'm furious.
	Um, what if they came in singing, um... What is it?
	Like, uh... It's not Jingle Bells.
	What's the one that's, like, um... Oh, Jingle Bell Rock.
	What if they came in singing Jingle Bell Rock?
	Oh, if they're singing Jingle Bell Rock, then it's on.
	We're getting it.
	Yeah, that's good.
	Yeah, that's fine.
	Um, okay.
	So I just love this.
	I love this paragraph so much.
	I mean, there's not much to this post.
	There's just a couple more paragraphs.
	This post is, is this, this paragraph rather is like beautiful.
	So, so the government offered them free COVID money not to work, uh, or as they called it, you know, booze money, whiskey funds, whiskey funds.
	Um, yeah.
	So, like, I am currently... I currently finished a bottle of Jameson about 30 minutes ago in this episode.
	If the government, like, gave me money to buy more Jameson, I don't think I would be, like, mad about it.
	You would be drinking more Jameson.
	Yeah.
	And I don't think I would, like, be depressed or, like, mad or anything because I had the Jameson, you know?
	Yeah, no, you'd be fine.
	I'd be, like, happy about having that.
	Or numb, you know?
	Um, and I love the idea of, like, this guy's fantasy.
	This guy's, like, trying to find something wrong with a government-issued Yeah.
	Stimulus package.
	Like, this is somebody from a fucking country, apparently, who got booze money.
	Come to America where we didn't get any fucking booze money, dude.
	Fucking booze.
	Yeah, for real.
	For real.
	And he's still trying to find something wrong with that.
	So he's like, oh yeah, uh, what about the elves who are like, uh, taxation is theft.
	You know, people don't talk about... enabling is a toxic thing.
	And that's all that we're doing.
	That's all they're doing by giving him booze money.
	You're enabling these people.
	It's like, it doesn't even make sense from a libertarian standpoint.
	No!
	Because in the libertarian mindset, and there's an overlap here with a left mindset, I think, is like...
	Yeah, that's our tax money.
	Give it back to us.
	It's mine, anyways.
	It should be mine anyways, yeah.
	We're still not even, you owe me a lot more.
	Totally, and it's like the left, I think the left mindset is like, well, you know, we're under this government, you can't really, it's not even really applicable, but like...
	If you're gonna fucking tax us and spend the money, it should be spent on the people.
	It should be spent domestically on the people or on some like broader worker project, global worker project or whatever.
	Like, it's so funny to have to even find a problem with getting, you know, stimulus money.
	Very interesting.
	I don't know- And also, if you're buying booze, that means you're rent paid too.
	You know what I mean?
	If you have extra for booze, that means you have extra.
	I don't know what's happening in Ireland.
	I really hope that the elves actually get free housing.
	I hope that's not deducted from them.
	Well, no.
	It's part of their payment.
	In exchange for their work, they get free housing and food.
	It's good.
	They're happy.
	They wouldn't want freedom.
	I don't know how to say this, so I think it's like Santa who's saying all this.
	I don't know how to say this, children, so I shall just tell you the truth.
	What I am about to share with you goes against the spirit of Christmas, and not even the slightest bit jolly.
	One of the elves, Elfie, took his own life.
	Oh my god.
	There, I said it.
	Our little friend, Elfie, hung himself.
	I found his little cold dead elf body hanging from a rope in my grotto with a note at his little elf feet.
	The note wrote, there is no place for me in this COVID or there is no place for me in this cold quote new norm.
	What people imagine putting scare quotes in your suicide note.
	What people are accepting as normal nowadays sends shivers down the spines of the elves and the rest of the sane beings in this world.
	I feel so lonely, scared, and disconnected in this world without smiles.
	Do not cry for me.
	Cry for yourselves as I will be going to a happier place.
	Wow.
	It's like they're like Christian elves.
	Wow.
	Well, yeah, they have to be.
	There's no Christmas without, you know, Christ.
	When the rope tightens around my little elf neck, please know that my breath was not taken by the rope.
	It was taken by the masks and from my despair at humanity.
	My dying wish is that you do not allow them to put this down as a COVID death.
	Goodbye, cruel world.
	Oh my god.
	I hate this so much.
	I hate this so much.
	Cause the thing is...
	That's a real issue, but nobody's killing themselves because of masks.
	They're killing themselves because of landlords and no access to health care.
	Well, and also like, I mean, yes, Jesus Christ, those are two huge factors, but also like being quarantined or also being like, um, isolated can 100% cause like mental anguish and depression.
	And, The government is not currently doing anything to ensure that this isolation and quarantine is as short as possible.
	If they really wanted to ensure that everybody got back to normal, they would all pay us to stay home for two weeks.
	Yeah, absolutely.
	It would be done.
	It would be over.
	It would be over with.
	It would be awesome, yeah.
	Yeah, but like it's like I said like but no no one's it's like these masks It's just the masks the masks themselves this oppression is what's I can't I can't accept it.
	You know You know what hurts is is having to wear a mask that hurts the most well the The razor blade on my wrists hurts the most technically but the masks they hurt the most they also hurt a lot and When I die, take my mask off so I can die free like my brothers refused to put them on before me.
	I am descended from the men who jumped off the boat instead of wearing a mask and would rather drown than wearing the mask.
	My mask is ancestors who would never put on the mask.
	I won't do it.
	That got macabre real fast.
	So this guy's a comedian.
	He's a podcaster and a comedian.
	Are you sure he's not just a humorist?
	I don't think he's liberal enough to be a humorist.
	But this is a think piece.
	This is a real think piece.
	Flower Green commented, I would laugh if it wasn't so true.
	I would laugh if there wasn't actually an epidemic of elf suicides.
	Val Smith said, that is so true and so sad.
	I wish people can see past their little iPhones and coffee cups and RTE and their 5k radius.
	There is so much more to this.
	Oh, wow.
	Wow.
	Really thinking outside, not just the box, but the 5K radius.
	Yeah, there's like people, picture a comic, I'm writing, I'm drawing a political cartoon right now.
	Picture a cartoon where it's like 30 people in line for the sheep transitioning process.
	So like turn them into sheep and there's nobody in line for the awakening process.
	There's like a sign that says become awake and nobody's in line for that one.
	No one's going over there because they're all cowards.
	And then everybody in the sheep line is also looking at their phones and they're drinking Starbucks.
	They're not even seeing the options.
	The option's right there, but they're so caught up in their iPhones and their 5k radius and their PPE.
	It's just, ugh.
	Makes me sick.
	Peter Herman said, is this true?
	Uh, yeah.
	Um... Yeah!
	Is it?
	I've heard it is.
	I've heard this is real.
	They are going through a hard time up there.
	Barbara Wall commented, uh, now I see some of the fruits of quote the inside story.
	Space dot dot dot space.
	Am still waking up from the old dream.
	Think I'll go wiggle my toes on an imaginary beach before I have some coffee.
	Join me for a minute?
	Three lessons from my mom's cousin's graduation ceremony in 1926.
	What?
	One.
	Guard your own soul first.
	Two.
	Never lose your sense of humor.
	You can go refer back to the first segment of this episode for that to refresh your sense of humor.
	Bookmark that.
	You won't lose it that way.
	Three.
	This one you have to add yourself.
	Parentheses.
	She was only six.
	Dot dot dot.
	In parentheses.
	Sparkly heart emoji.
	That... I'm so...
	I'm so confused by that one.
	I think it was a good comment.
	I got it all.
	Man, I think I would have liked that more if maybe that was written on like a fortune from a fortune cookie.
	It's like one of those fortune like pizookies.
	That would be a big fortune.
	Yeah, pretty big fortune.
	That's, yeah, you have to add the last one yourself.
	How did you get that out of that?
	What story did that person just hear?
	Um, I think, uh, the, the person who posted what we read might be a conservative crank and has a lot of friends who are also like, you know, dying, like slowly dying from old age.
	Uh, so that might be.
	If they can relate that it is that, yeah, I know that I've, I know that feel.
	I was looking at this dude's, uh, Aiden Killian's, uh, page to see what he was about.
	And he shared.
	A post that was called... Let me pull it up here.
	Let me look at the original post.
	Okay, I can't.
	What a good name.
	What a classic name.
	It's good.
	I feel like Aiden Killian is the name of somebody in the Peaky Blinders.
	One of my cousins is named Aiden.
	But he's a lot cooler than this guy.
	I'm not going to go into detail.
	Aiden Coolian, more like it.
	That's exactly more like it.
	Aiden shared a post, it was very interesting.
	It was an article written by, well it was an article from, let me find this here, sorry.
	Again, Lucy Goosey episode.
	The headline reads, Faces Covered, Souls Destroyed.
	The Conservative Woman is this website.
	This is a UK based website called conservativewoman.co.uk.
	The Conservative Woman.
	I've never encountered this website.
	I am so eager to... It sounds like a banger.
	Again, Faces Covered, Souls Destroyed, and the thumbnail is a black and white photo of a woman wearing a mask, a medical mask.
	Yep, only eyes exposed.
	So yeah, again, this is The Conservative Woman, it's a publication called The Conservative Woman, Faces Covered, Souls Destroyed, written by Frank Palmer.
	Okay, Frank Palmer, you know, he knows a lot about the conservative woman.
	Pieces of this are so good.
	One neglected aspect of the criticism of COVID regulations is the dehumanization of those involved.
	That goes deeper than many think.
	He's talking about how wearing a mask covering your face is akin to dehumanization.
	Wow.
	Yeah, are you sure?
	It's very interesting to me.
	This is like, in my mind, a paging Dr. Freud moment here.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Where it's like, well, I look at Muslim women and I have nothing but contempt for them.
	It's an automatic way for me to dehumanize.
	If you put a mask on somebody, that's not a person anymore.
	No, they're not a person anymore.
	I can't even, I can't see them.
	If you cover their face, now they're a monster to me.
	I mean, what is Halloween all about?
	That is true.
	That is true.
	And I don't know if you've noticed this, but these masks look a lot like muzzles that we only put on animals.
	I have noticed that.
	Yeah.
	It doesn't even get into femininity at all in this article, which is very weird considering it's called The Conservative Woman.
	Well, the thing is that the soul is actually akin to femininity, so it's redundant to say that.
	I mean, traditionally speaking, that's incorrect.
	The soul, the anima, is the male essence, whereas the body is the female essence.
	The body is the fertile soil.
	The female is the fertile soil who is inanimate, and lays back, and passive, and lets you plow her field.
	Have you ever seen sperm, Tony?
	Have you ever seen sperm, Tony?
	Have you ever seen a magnification of sperm?
	Oh, yeah, totally.
	The sperm is- Well, tadpoles, right?
	Yeah, the sperm is moving, okay?
	That's like why- Always.
	That's what's man, that's a man thing, is to, like, move and shit, right?
	Whereas the woman, the egg, is just, like, it's not moving.
	It's just there.
	It's chilling.
	It's just chilling, you know?
	And that's like a woman, like a woman just, like, lays there and doesn't enjoy sex, you know?
	No, no, it's just serving the purpose.
	At least in my experience.
	So yeah, the soul, I don't know, you gotta explain this.
	If you're talking about the soul and shit in regards to femininity, I don't understand it.
	I'm trying to remember which parts of this were the funniest.
	Yeah, what is being done to us is more than just wrong.
	It is evil.
	Evil is a de-creative and negating force.
	There's a lot of words in this that I didn't understand.
	What?
	I don't think... Well, also, remember, this is not American English.
	Maybe that's a thing.
	Okay.
	But I think decreative is still a stretch.
	There's not even a hyphen there.
	It's just decreative.
	It's just one word.
	Evil is a decreative and negating force.
	As the excellent philosopher Roger Scruton pointed out, actions which are evil seek to strip people of their humanity.
	The evil of communism, for instance, is that everywhere it has been put into practice, it brutally Extirpates?
	I don't know that word.
	I mean, I'm assuming it means like rids people's... There's a lot of syllables, so this is all sounding like it's real.
	Yeah.
	It brutally extirpates people's natural and wholesome needs and inclinations.
	Just, you know, that natural wholesome need of humanity to make, quote, passive income.
	You know, that natural, wholesome instinct to hoard wealth.
	It's a compulsion.
	It's wholesome.
	It's a wholesome compulsion.
	Similarly, the bureaucratic zeal of Eichmann in the concentration camps oversaw not merely the torture and deaths of so many, but the camps were designed to humiliate them and, quote, deprive them of their humanity.
	To rob the inmates of their souls.
	And then he cites that quote with this citation, this title of a work that is Arguments for Conservatism, page 180.
	So that's ostensibly a quote from like some work that is trying to say how Nazism isn't conservative.
	I guess.
	And I think it's funny how it's like, oh yeah, they had them in the concentration camps.
	They had them, like, ready for extermination.
	But also, they were trying to rid them of their humanity by... What is it?
	I don't know.
	It doesn't even get into specifics.
	But it's like, okay, well...
	I think that's kind of like secondary to being in a concentration camp already.
	It's like, what if, wow, what if they also had to wear a surgical mask in the concentration camps?
	Can you imagine how much more fucked up that would be?
	Yeah.
	Oh my God.
	I don't know.
	Cause like then maybe they would have stopped the spread of some of the disease that was so rampant.
	Jesus.
	I'm trying to, uh, this, I, I don't know, it was, I was like looking through, oh yeah, to, okay, this is a good paragraph.
	To force people to cover the face is to, quote, deface them.
	It's quite literal, yeah.
	Yeah, it's a tautology.
	If we're talking about philosophy, that's a tautology right there.
	Not merely in a physical sense.
	Okay, so they got us there.
	Oh, okay.
	Layers, bro.
	The face is not simply another, quote, bit of the body, like a kneecap.
	It is the place that shows our human nature, with which we interact, and it symbolizes and expresses our interior life.
	It is a repository and a vehicle of meaning within, quote, the human world, or the, quote, Lebenswelt, in which we live and move and have our being.
	As Wittgenstein put it, the face is the soul of the body.
	Wow.
	Wow.
	Incredible.
	Think about what Wittgenstein said before you follow those doctor's orders.
	You're gonna ask me to literally bind my soul?
	That is sick.
	Think about this flowery metaphor that a philosopher said before you take that penicillin.
	Yeah.
	Did you know that the face is actually the soul of the body?
	What the fuck?
	Get out of here!
	Listen, before you put on those Ray-Bans, why don't you think about how the eyes are the windows to the soul?
	Which I thought before, but turns out you don't even need them shits, because the soul's right there in the face.
	It's just the face, the whole face.
	Yeah.
	And another striking and moving remark, quote, if someone has a pain in his hand, one does not comfort the hand, but the sufferer, one looks into his face.
	And this is, I think, a really good overlap between the conservative right-wing movement and the, you know, far left Joe Biden administration.
	Because both parties say, hey, if your hand is fucked up, like if you like broke a bone in your hand or like maybe you have arthritis or whatever, you don't comfort the hand.
	No.
	You look into the face.
	You look into the face and you say, I see you.
	I hear you.
	I understand you.
	That's the real problem with our medical, with like our, you know, with our healthcare system is we need more people to look people in the face and say that as they're coming in with like blunt force trauma to the body or whatever, you know, like broken arms.
	Hey, hey, listen, I know that it's broken in five places, but I see you.
	Uh, I got my bill back, and it's weird, this line item right here says, uh, eye contact, $3,250.
	Yeah, that's actually per minute, so um, don't worry, you only had 45 seconds of eye contact, so you won't be billed for the entire $3,500.
	It is prorated.
	It is actually, it's a minimum minute charge, but it's okay.
	Okay, I think that's it for the episode.
	Yeah, once again, new miniseries coming out.
	With Brian Quimby from Street Fight Radio on their Patreon.
	Patreon.com slash Street Fight Radio.
	P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Street Fight Radio.
	That's debuting any second.
	It could have debuted already while we were mid-humor.
	Imagine, you might be able to go back to back.
	Alex on Alex action.
	Previously unheard of.
	That's a good day.
	That's a good day.
	Uh, and if not, there's plenty of amazing content for you to binge in the meanwhile on that Street Fight Patreon.
	Uh, you can support this show directly at Patreon.com slash MinionDeathCult P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash MinionDeathCult.
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	Absolute banger.
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	Thanks for listening, folks.
	Thanks, y'all.
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	All right.
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