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Sept. 24, 2019 - Minion Death Cult
01:23:01
Cop Rap

This week we deep-dive on Forensic, a cop rapping about the issues cops face on a daily basis: hollow points to the chest, getting tantric with criminals, and biting wolves in the back Subscribe at http://patreon.com/miniondeathcult for weekly bonus episodes Music: Dead Prez - Police State

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Time Text
The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today, so stay tuned.
We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned, guys.
We'll show you exactly what it looks like when people are going to get you.
Oh, they're in Boston.
Stay tuned.
I'm Alexander Edward.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
And we are Minion Death Cult.
The world is ending.
Cop rap is responsible.
We're documenting it.
What's up everybody?
Thanks for tuning in as always.
Sorry again for a late episode, but you know, hey, that's what you get when you listen to actual working class podcasts.
Well, we're 50% working class.
People have shit to do to eat.
And, you know, I don't necessarily need 16 hours a day at work to eat.
But if I decide not to do that, then yeah, I won't have any hours.
So, hey.
It's what you get.
Tuesday's a good day for us to release because I have Sunday and Monday off.
So if your weekly episode doesn't come out on Monday, there's a good chance it's going to come out on Tuesday because it's just easier for me to record that day on Monday.
Oftentimes it also happens to be easier for me.
Especially, you know, these days.
So we have an insane episode for everybody.
I think this is going to be a very fun one, and it'll have been worth the wait.
Really quickly, up top, I just want to shout out the reviews we've gotten on iTunes, because we've gotten some great ones, and I've just been neglecting them.
So...
Happy in the City says, uh, bless these guys, five stars.
These two good and sweet boys brave the absolute hell of right-wing boomer social media to teach the rest of us about some really scary and dangerous stuff going on in your elderly relative's networks.
They rule.
So, either we rule or the elderly relatives rule.
Hard to understand there.
Well, they rule as in, like, they're in control, but we rule as in, like, we're radical.
Rad.
Bodacious.
That makes sense.
Maybe write that next time in your review.
Clears some things up for us.
Enjoy Buy says, the Lord will punish you.
Five stars.
I'm praying fro your wicked souls, but you deserve the cleaning fires of tarnation.
That's true.
That is true.
Deserve that and worse.
We know the games we're playing, we know the consequences, and we are ready for Hell's Kiln.
I like that this person used Tarnation because I forgot that that means hell.
Like when people say, what in Tarnation, they're saying, what the hell?
Yes, all those people, all those people, those mustachioed gun-toting people that all say it.
Yeah.
Isn't Tarnation like the name of some football team's fans or something?
Like the Tar Heels?
That'd be a good one.
Maybe, yeah.
Doesn't sound racist at all.
I mean, yeah, not until you start amending it with personalized cards to kids and stuff.
Then it gets weird.
BJ Slater says, play for Boomer relatives.
For harmony in the household.
Five stars.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I don't know if I can cosign that.
I mean, yes, play it for your Boomer relatives, but I don't know if it's going to bring harmony to the household.
Well, if you're going to play it for your Boomer relatives, you should do it at Thanksgiving, like we said last year, so Tony can be present for one.
Yes.
Socialist Salesman says, great pod, five stars.
I have to drive about 800 miles a week for work.
Hey, I drive a lot for work too.
Solidarity.
This podcast is part of my weekly rotation and will be as long as it exists.
So you heard it from Socialist Salesman.
We can just We can totally phone in the quality of our content, we can just give zero effort whatsoever, and this Rube will continue to listen to it.
So, thanks for that reassurance.
We do appreciate that.
I hope we motivate you to go hit the road more, you know, and sell more socialism.
Thank you.
Oh, you think he's going door-to-door selling socialism?
Yeah, absolutely.
For how much?
You gotta get in on the ground floor.
How much do you think he's getting for that socialism?
What is it?
$22.70?
What's that significance?
What's the Bernie Sanders average donation?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's a good one.
I don't know what it is.
I'm happy you don't know what it is because that makes me look not as lame.
Yeah, I just give $27 a month is all.
Makes me look bad, I know.
Kirsten Dubya says, five stars, Tony and Alex brave the horrors of the comment section so we don't have to.
We're living in the worst of all possible worlds, probably, so might as well have a good laugh about it.
Hey, we agree.
Kind of the point of the show.
Thank you, Kirsten, for getting it.
Nap1018 says, Ty, five stars.
Content says, Ty, LOL.
And this is really the perfect comment.
We highly encourage this kind of review.
It's the easiest for our lazy listeners and we love you guys.
So all you have to do to rate and review, five stars.
Good.
Hey, good stuff or bad stuff.
Just give us five stars and a review.
But we do know that the more I's you use in the spelling of tight, the better it is.
So run that.
Yeah, that's true.
That's just math.
Yeah, okay.
There are more.
We'll save those for a later date.
Thank you to everybody who rated and reviewed the show.
It helps make us look really cool and professional so we can, you know, work with bigger podcasts.
They'll be like, how many stars do those boys got?
And we'll be like, oh, we got 555, sir.
And they'll say, sign them up to our leftist podcast network.
Yeah seriously though, we really appreciate all the support.
It's been really good lately and we love each and every one of y'all.
Hey, if you want to support the show in a material way, and not just, you know, frivolous, cheap words, you can go to patreon.com slash MinionDeathCult.
P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash MinionDeathCult for $3 a month.
You get a bonus episode every week.
$5 a month gets you those bonus episodes and a pack of stickers.
Sweet, sweet stickers sent to you.
Those stickers should be in the mail.
You should have gotten them already if you hadn't.
Tony swore to me he sent them out.
Who am I to question his word?
So, lots of good perks for Patreon supporters.
You get access to all the previous episodes as well.
Pretty sweet stuff.
On to the show!
Okay, so this is a special episode.
We are returning to our roots this week.
We are returning to the roots of Minion Death Cult, and even further back, That Awful Sound, the podcast that spawned this one.
Listeners may remember the first episode of Minion Death Cult.
We reviewed a song called Salute the Brave, an anti-Kaepernick, anti-Black Lives Matter rap anthem from Adam Calhoun.
The self-proclaimed hick-hop artist.
Yeah.
And today we're doing something slightly similar.
We're covering cop rap.
Or as I like to call it, crap.
Or as I like to call it, pig hop.
Now, you know, I know what you're thinking, listener.
Normally I can't stand cops.
You know?
I'm always like, hey, pull down your pants.
Hey, quit flashing your service weapon and maybe people won't think you're a thug.
Quit confiscating drugs and maybe you'll stay out of trouble.
True, true.
But there's just something about this cop that I like.
I'm just thinking of a guy who's racist against cops and white people normally, but a cop starts rapping and he's like, damn, maybe I do like cops.
He's speaking a language I understand.
Well, no, that's kind of how I felt, like, you know, I'm not gonna go out and say I like cops, but I respect Forensic because he's truly, like, a student of the elements of hip-hop.
He's a true hip-hop head.
You can tell he's like, you know, like a physicist lyricist that's really feeling this amethyst procrastinist You know?
Yeah, no, I mean, you can tell he's, like, familiar with hip-hop because he's always, like, arresting and detaining black people just to find out what they're all about, you know?
I like to say when I put on a forensics album, I'm about to take a radical mathematical sabbatical.
Uh yeah we're gonna be talking about the lyrical miracle that is Forensic Cop Rapper.
This is somebody who came across my feed because he's being promoted and has been promoted by a Facebook page called Humanizing the Badge whose sole purpose is to tell us that hey cops are human and you can actually uh hurt them just like anybody else you know you can make them bleed and Like they can die, you know, and it's like maybe not the best message to send to crazy leftists out there.
They might bleed blue, but that blue blood is still bleeding.
They still bleed just like anybody else.
Yeah.
They are in fact, they are, you know, in fact, Subject to death.
It's something they also can suffer from.
We're just like losing listeners left and right.
Just people stopping this podcast and going back to Pod Save America.
Yeah.
Okay, so this guy's name is Forensic, and as Humanizing the Badge described him, he's an up-and-coming young man who has only positive things to rap about.
And I just think it's funny because, like, they call him a young man despite him having the hairline of a 55-year-old.
Oh yeah, no, he's for sure, like, 38.
Yeah.
You know?
Around there, I'm gonna say.
Yeah, that's a good estimation, I believe.
If not, he looks like shit.
If it's not 38, he looks fucking terrible.
So, you're like, what does, you know, forensic sound like?
If you enjoy, like, the suburban angst and, like, navel-gazing preteen misanthropy of Linkin Park, but you want it delivered to you by a 40-year-old man with a license to kill, then a forensic is your guy.
Yeah.
I just love that name, Forensic, too.
It's such a fake backpack rap name.
Oh, it's a perfect MC name.
It's so good.
I can imagine him in the battle circuit, you know?
Like, oh, you better dust him for Prince, bro!
Just investigating the crime scene that he left behind after that slam.
Like, when your name is forensic, you get to rhyme things with, like, follicle.
And so I really just expand your vocabulary.
You have more tools in your bag.
Yeah, if your name is forensic, you're not allowed to say DNA.
You have to say deoxyribonucleic acid.
Ooh!
Ooh, my man got it!
I would have fucked it up.
I would have fucked that one up.
I was hoping I got it right as I was saying it.
I didn't know how it was going to come out.
Yeah, yeah, good job, good job.
MC Procedural, here to tell you why Black Lives Matter are terrorists.
And, like, that happens throughout his songs.
So, let's just play a little bit.
We're going to go through a few of these songs because they're fucking amazing.
This first one we're going to cover is called Wolf Hunter and I'm just going to play a little bit of it, alright?
I'm gonna let Tony hear it too.
*Music*
*Music* God.
Hard.
It's, it's incredible.
Hard shit.
Goes hard.
Goes super hard.
He says Glock, so like, that's pretty official.
Dude, he says Glock in like every one of his songs.
I don't think he says Gun, ever.
I think he just says Glock.
What are your first thoughts about this, Tony?
We're going to get into the lyrics, but just in general, what's the sound of the song to you?
Let's do the awful sound thing.
What's your connection to this song?
What sort of emotional resonance did you have when you were listening to this when you were 14 and just in love with it?
Oh yeah, this particular song definitely evoked Lincoln Park nostalgia.
And it's funny because, so, I remember being, you know, a youth and hearing, like, Biggie and being like, ooh, I would love to be a rapper.
And then hearing, like, the verses from, uh, is it Mike, right?
His name's Mike?
Mike Shinoda.
Mike Shinoda.
And hearing Mike Shinoda and being like, ooh, maybe I actually can rap.
Hey, maybe this rap game ain't so hard.
Maybe it's an option.
Yeah.
And, like, that's totally what he did.
He, like, he...
He, like, is the only person that listens to Mike Shinoda's solo records, is this guy.
Is that Fort Minor?
Is that what Fort Minor is?
What's Fort Minor?
Oh, I have no clue.
I think that's a Linkin Park thing, I'm not sure.
Yeah, this shit sucks, dude.
It's so bad.
And it's not even the worst one.
We're definitely going to descend the rungs of quality as we go through these songs, but Let's go through these lyrics, man.
As that alarm clock beeps and wakes you from your sleep, pull back the sheets, it's time to hit the streets.
Dudes fresh, shave your face.
Girls, put up your hair.
Back breaking and aching from the equipment that you wear.
Which, you know, brings up a good point.
We do talk about labor on this show, and it's really not fair they have to work in those circumstances, you know?
I think that cops should not have to wear bulletproof vests anymore.
I think they shouldn't have to carry their guns.
They shouldn't have to carry their guns.
Yeah.
Yeah, no more.
Cops' rights.
Yeah, come on.
Let's get OSHA on the case.
And I think they should be able to grow beards.
No, oh, don't.
Actually, I don't want that.
Oh God, can you imagine how obnoxious cop beards would be?
Don't they already do that?
Can't they already do that shit?
I think there's like a weird middle ground where you can't have it, but I think like peripheral cops, like weird Like faux cops or operated ex-cops that can have beards?
Yeah, I think ex-cops are allowed to have beards.
I don't think, I don't think like active duty, active duty dudes.
Active duty cops, yeah.
Are you still enlisted?
Are you still enlisted in the school of hard knocks?
I think they can only have like a five o'clock shadow.
I don't know though.
They definitely have mustaches, that's for goddamn sure.
Uh, yeah.
I mean, they already have to, like, this back breaking and aching from the equipment that you wear!
Like, yes, they already have to- Take it off!
They already have to carry a gun and handcuffs and pepper spray and now we're making them carry body cameras, too?
When will their burden end?
What are they, just a fucking ass to you?
Like a donkey, you know?
Yeah.
Pack mules here?
This flow.
You said Linkin Park.
Linkin Park was definitely my first instinct, but there's so much Papa Roach in here, too.
Ooh, yes, there absolutely is a lot of Papa Roach.
Yeah, that's totally on point.
It all started when we got Obama.
No love for myself, no love from the brothers.
Oh.
It's a cop doing Papa Roach.
You nailed it, you nailed it.
Yeah.
It's funny because he does say brothers in this one, but he probably also says the brothers.
Yeah, it depends on which brothers he's talking to.
Exactly, yeah, yeah.
Like the real ones, you know, the real ones or the fake ones.
Yeah, the brothers, like your family unit, or like, you know, the brothers of the son.
That is 100% the best biker gang in San Bernardino.
Big facts.
Face-to-face with your locker, strapping on your vest, pray to God it'll block a hollow point from your chest.
Uh-huh.
I love when I get my gang-issued hollow point magazines.
Yeah.
Like, this whole, you know, we'll go through it, but this dude's whole career is like, I don't know, hinges on the idea that cops are just getting shot at every day, their lives are constantly in danger, which we know is factually inaccurate, and not only that, not only are they just getting shot at at all times, they're getting shot at with, like, armor-piercing rounds in this guy's imagination.
Because I was just talking to my mom about that argument today about people that are like, well, I need to at least be able to have the guns that the cops and the military have.
And I'm like, oh, you think you can get that?
Like you think you can get all the stuff they can get?
Yeah.
Because you can't.
Obama's not going to give that shit to you.
This guy's like, no, everybody has more advanced things than I have access to.
So I was thinking about it.
What's that new Fast and Furious movie?
Starsky and Hutch, Turner and Hooch, Drake and Josh.
Calvin and Hobbes.
Yeah.
Hobbs and Rock.
Yeah, the new Fast and the Furious.
Rock and Hobbs.
Calvin and Hobbs.
I think there's like some sort of gun that can, it'll kill by DNA.
Like it'll only kill people with certain DNA.
And that's the kind of weapons that these Black Lives Matter people have.
They dip the bullets in, like, some blue blood.
You know, they have to kill a cop the old-fashioned way first to get the blood.
But then once they do that, it'll just, like a wanted bullet, it'll curve around people of color and the LGBT community and pierce a cop right in the chest.
I'm picturing some, like, villainous demo where, like, they, you know, the BLM leader, like, cocks the gun and points at their own head, point blank, and pulls the trigger, and then across the room, you know, a blue life is taken out.
And everybody applauds.
Everyone's like, gasp, this is amazing!
Just, like, twirling their long soul patches.
A bunch of leather fists go up in the air?
Leather gloved fists?
Cops are so worried about antifa spit at fast food restaurants they should really be worried about their own spit leaving it behind at McDonald's because you can collect that and then mark them for death later.
Exactly.
Losing so many listeners.
Just, like, shedding downloads right now.
I mean, this is obviously, like, insanely hypothetical, right?
We don't even have to do it.
Like, Marvel doesn't even disqualify this one.
That's cool.
For all the listeners we lose, we'll gain 10 more in the form of FBI tracking units.
we'll just retitle this episode uh black panther reviewed part two um not the joker movie oh Oh man, you know this guy's gonna have a take on the Joker movie when it comes out.
I mean, he'll probably go along with it.
He'll probably put on fucking... because he's like an Instagram personality too.
You were diving into all that shit.
I didn't have time or the, like, emotional spoons to do that.
Deputy Hookum is his name.
Yeah, that's cool, man.
Name yourself after the worst thing you do.
And it's like, he has another, so his name is Debbie Hookum, that's like his Instagram name, and his Facebook name, but then his rap name is Forensic, where he has a featured rapper who's another cop, whose name is Bookum.
Yeah, that's cool, dude.
Bookum and Bookum.
I wonder if there's beef there?
I wonder if like, Hookum's like, yo man, change your name, or Bookum's like, yo man, fuck you, I had it first.
No, I think you gotta say them both, I think they go together.
Oh, do you like a tour together?
Like, I think it's hook'em and book'em is the phrase.
God, they could do a tour, couldn't they?
Ew.
Um, I think he should go by, uh, Deputy Help'em.
And then we might respect cops.
Got a price on your head, brother, better beware.
Load up that Glock and prepare yourself for warfare.
Because that's what it is.
That's what you're going into.
You're not there to protect and serve.
You're going into warfare.
Yeah, once again, just like ginning themselves up to commit like justifiable violence, you know?
Like when you describe inner cities as war zones, like he constantly does throughout these songs, hey, mistakes will be made in the fog of war, you know?
It's war after all.
Civilian casualties happen during war.
Don't be naive about it.
So what's really funny about him too is, um, so of course you can't, like, you don't know where he's at because he doesn't, like, put that out there.
You don't know what police department he's with, of course.
Um, but I feel like if he was with, like, a big metropolitan police department, it would be out there and he would be, like, NYPD till IDIE, you know, like, or something like that.
Yeah.
But, but I think he, like, resides in it.
According to his, like, his feed, He's in a pretty mellow-ass place, and he's not very stressed, and he's high-fiving everybody.
Well, he can't get a handshake, though, as we learn later.
He can get high-fives, I guess, but no, you know, respectful handshakes.
But that was only because Deputy Hookum broke everyone on the court's ankles so bad that they felt disgraced and wouldn't shake his hand afterwards.
Yeah, got a price on your head, brother.
Better beware.
Yeah, everybody's trying to kill you.
That's why you're shooting unarmed people.
We understand.
Everybody just wants to kill you.
Even those unarmed people probably were going to kill you.
They were probably just going to...
I don't know, try to stomp you out on the street, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
Got a price on your head.
Like, what price?
Like, the price for killing a cop is literally a death sentence.
Yeah, that's exactly it.
There is no, like, there's no bounty.
There's no, like, price for cop scalps.
It does not exist.
It's only death.
It's sure death.
Even, like, resisting arrest can get you an assault charge against a cop.
Totally, yeah.
Um, okay.
Ridicules what you get, not even a damn handshake, as the sun sets on that city landscape.
As we talked about before, like, white dudes and, like, he's a white adjacent dude, we'll say.
Um, they need their fucking handshakes.
Like, they need a handshake so bad.
Why are they always trying to give me milkshakes instead of handshakes?
I said handshake!
I'm lactose intolerant!
Dude, that video of that guy getting fucking kicked down the stoop from that other guy with flip-flops?
Kicked in the chest.
And the dude, like, warns him.
He says, like, Leave me alone.
The guy was like, no man.
And he has like the voice.
He has the shake my hand voice.
He's like, no man, shake my hand.
Yeah.
I just want a handshake.
The shake my hand guy, the just shake my hand guy is like the younger brother who still lives in the basement of the, can I speak to the manager, Becky.
Yeah, totally.
But also, as somebody who worked in bars for a long time and has kicked many a drunk wide dude out, the handshake, I never do the handshake because the handshake always ends up in an attempted sucker punch.
Every time.
Every time.
I was forced to do the handshake one time, because I wanted to stay at this party, and this guy I had beef with, that I had already tried to fight a couple times, wanted me to shake his hand, or like everybody at the party wanted me to shake his hand.
It was like, I can't believe I did it.
It was the most humiliating thing I've ever done.
Yeah, but you did that out of respect of the homeowner, I'm sure.
No, I didn't fucking like that guy either.
I just wanted to be at the party.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
I respect that part.
Um... Bipartisan parties, bro.
Dude, that video though is so funny because the guy is like, Just shake my fucking hand!
And he gets kicked in the chest before the sentence is even finished.
So he's falling backwards down the stairs as he's saying, My fucking hand!
And it's just like, I mean, everybody knows, like, the guy's going up, the guy's at the top of a flight of stairs.
He's got the high ground.
He got the high ground!
Like, come on!
You can't win this one, you've lost.
but that was lucky he didn't get his fucking legs lightsabered off the world's greatest like line delivery ever is that fucking no when he wakes up
Dude, okay, what I don't understand about that scene, the reason that scene doesn't work for me is because, you know, Obi-Wan's like, I've got the high ground, Anakin, you've lost, or I've won, or whatever.
And then Anakin's like, no I haven't.
And then he front flips over him to get on even higher ground.
And then Obi-Wan still chops his legs off.
So it doesn't make sense from the way they set it up.
No.
No.
You're right.
But I mean, they had to wrap that up real fast, it felt like.
And they had to make him do a flip, because it's the new Jedi, it's the new Star Wars movies, so there's always gotta be a flip in there.
Yeah, you gotta flip.
Yeah, I just love this.
Not even a damn handshake.
Like, thank you, sir, for shooting my dog!
Oh man, I feel like a cop would be so sus of me if I tried to shake his hand.
Hey, hey, put her there!
I think I would be sus of you if I saw you do that.
I'd be like, oh, he's going for that gun.
Oh shit.
All right, man.
All right.
Well, good to know ya.
It's been real.
Listen, I disagree with you shooting a social worker after responding to a wellness check, but I respect your right to do it.
Next line, nothing can- That's a true libertarian.
Nothing can stop you, snow, rain, or thunder.
Gotta hold that blue line tight.
You're the wolf hunter.
Uh, why the fuck would thunder stop you from working, is my question.
I want to hear that.
Like, I don't know.
I don't know, Chief.
It's pretty, it's pretty crazy out there.
It's pretty loud out there.
It's pretty...
I mean, because cops are like canines in a way, like they don't like thunder at all.
It makes them nervous.
I got something for this.
When the sky goes boom, you'd think I'd be scared, but I got my thunder shirt because I'm always prepared.
That's what vests are!
That's what the bulletproof vests are!
Dude, a fucking bulletproof vest for a cop is 100% a pig thundershirt.
That's exactly what that is.
They just don't work for everybody.
They should be way more calm.
He just gets scared.
He just gets scared.
It helps him calm down.
Yeah.
Makes you feel like he's being hugged.
Um, yeah.
And just, once again, uh... Oh, we get the chorus, actually.
I will defend my brothers.
I will defend the weak.
I will pursue and fight evil so others may sleep.
That's great flow right there.
I am the sheep dog.
And this is where you get the little flute in there that I love.
I am the sheep dog protecting the night.
Wolf hunters unite!
Bring it on!
It's time to fight!
So a few things are happening here I need to address.
Please.
So the way this hook is delivered, he can't do this live.
He can't do it.
He recorded every single one of those lines individually and then linked them up.
This hook was 20 takes.
There's no way this guy can do this.
And then also, so all of a sudden he's having these animal analogies, you know?
He's the sheepdog protecting the night?
Yeah.
Okay, sheepdogs don't necessarily, like, hunt wolves.
Like, that's not what happens here.
And, like, aren't... isn't there a whole other sect of cops that are, like, wolves?
They're supposed to... they claim wolf?
Uh, I don't know, man.
I've heard that... I feel like there's, like, operators speak about being a wolf.
Either way, like, we all know that a wolf is, like, tougher than a sheepdog.
That's true, yeah.
Um yeah the the sheep dog thing is apparently a cop meme.
I've seen it a couple times uh and that's a through line for all these songs are the memes.
There's just it's like the same four memes in every single one of these songs uh the sheep now this song is called Wolf Hunter So it's like about the sheepdog meme, you know, protecting the flock, hunting, going into the dead of night and hunting wolves like a sheepdog does.
But there are many more memes.
Some of them make it into this song.
I'll let you guys know when there's a meme in the song.
Also quickly, sheepdogs don't hunt wolves.
They like just stick and protect the flock.
They don't leave the flock.
They want to protect the flock.
And if maybe cops would just do that and not go looking for shit, they wouldn't be so bad.
Maybe if they weren't out hunting for wolves, they're just chilling like, yo dog, I'm just trying to eat this rabbit like you...
Why you gotta fuck me?
Your sheeps are fine.
Yeah, but they could be that bad sheep dog from Babe that like bites the sheep to keep them in line.
You know?
Oh, that's true.
That dog was a dick.
Yeah, that was the one the sheep were all scared of.
It's a good metaphor, I think.
Um, yeah, and, uh, do-do-do, I am, it's, uh, Wolf Hunters Unite!
Bring it on!
It's time to fight!
And again, just like, like you're kind of alluding to, Tony, just viewing your role as a police officer as nothing but a fight.
A fight to go out and find.
And, uh, yeah, it seems like that worldview might have some interesting consequences that we see play out on a daily basis.
Hey, uh, real quick, do you think that maybe, like, Charlotte's Web and Babe were just police psyops to try to make pigs seem more likable?
Trying to humanize the badge?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's possible.
That makes sense.
Um, yeah, I mean, people probably, like, said, hey, you're some pig, to an officer, and then, uh, gotten illegally detained for 24 hours.
Minimum.
Um, no words can express the lack of respect.
No arrest of a suspect's unchecked.
So he's, like, mad that, like, people are checking to make sure he arrested the right person?
Yep.
Which is just, like, it has the energy of a kid who's mad that his teacher grades his tests?
Yeah.
Like, what?
You don't trust me to get all the answers right?
Yeah, like, not only that, but they're just like, uh, oh, it says show your work, you know?
He's like, no, don't worry about it.
I don't need to show my work.
Like, it's here.
Yeah, I bring a calculator with me.
It's called all my internalized biases and prejudices.
We're not gonna have, you know, we're not gonna have to show our work in the real world.
Next one.
They say you ain't shit and you always tell... Whoa, hang on.
This cop cusses?
A little bit.
He gets a little, little blue.
A little blue?
He gets a little blue.
This is a cutscene cop.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
They say you ain't shit and you always tell lies, yet so quick to pick up and call when victimized.
Meme alert!
Yeah, absolutely.
Meme alert.
Sound effect.
Yeah.
This is, hey, call a crackhead.
That's that meme.
That's his early mixtape stuff.
He's refined it now.
Call the crackhead, yeah.
Riots and protest.
It's always us that they blame.
It's expected, not regretted, when a hero cop is slain.
And like, you and other cops are the only ones expecting every hero cop to be slain.
Yeah.
You're the only ones expecting that.
It's your whole fucking discography.
It's what every song is about.
The rest of us expect you to just have complete impunity and not have to deal with anything.
Absolutely.
That's what we all expect.
Never freeze up in fear when everyone's stomach's in knots.
Who else you know running towards the gunshots?
Meme alert!
We probably should have done like a quick trigger warning real quick because I think that that cop that didn't go into the mall during that shooting, I think he might hear this so probably should have.
Oh yeah.
Or the other cop that didn't go into the school.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And this list of cops are just like, oh I didn't hear anything it's probably a firework.
Oh actually my number one priority is to protect my own safety.
Yeah.
I don't actually have a legal obligation to interfere in any sort of violent behavior.
That's part of the Constitution.
If I lose my life trying to save your life, how can I save your life later on by, you know, arresting your colored neighbors for being too loud?
Yeah, because you're probably just going to be in trouble again, you know?
Yeah.
Um... Do-do-do.
Uh... You know you're not alone.
Take a look around.
Look past the hate that you feel surrounds your town.
The civil unrest, it needs to be addressed.
So obsessed with judgment in the form of protest.
Yeah, so just all, you know, all that hate.
Everybody fucking hates it.
This is like cop rap.
I mean, and just like cop meme pages are like the incel message boards for cops.
Yeah, absolutely.
If you go on those incel message boards, like especially the black-pilled ones, it's just a constant like reinforcement, a cyclical sort of A cyclical culture of just confirming your worst fears that you are unlovable, that all women hate you, they will never date you, you will never find happiness, you will never find love, and that's what cop mean pages are for cops.
Yeah.
You know everybody hates you, but you gotta go out and then take it out on them.
Go out every day and then dig out that frustration on them.
The difference is so similar they even have selfie threads.
You know, and stuff like that.
They're so similar.
So quick to judge and point fingers and blame on the rifles and knives, and yet we can't take aim.
Hmm.
Yeah, we know.
A confusing line to me.
When you say we know, what do you think this line is saying?
I meant that most cops are a terrible shot.
Okay.
Yeah.
So quick to judge and point fingers and blame on the rifles and knives and yet we can't take aim.
Oh yeah, no, he's definitely saying like, we're not allowed to shoot.
Yeah, we're just not allowed.
That's why you never hear about cops shooting people with guns and knives, let alone unarmed people.
Yeah, ever.
I don't know what this is.
This is just like a new level of insanity.
The only rule that a cop has when it comes to killing somebody is I don't think they're allowed to yell a racial slur within five seconds of the shots being fired.
Yeah, they're not allowed to do like a Call of Duty dance over the corpse.
That's the no-no.
This is my favorite line in this song.
Every push-ups for justice, each sit-ups for peace.
Get prepared for that battle raging up in the streets.
This is really good because like we pointed out to each other, he's not fit.
No, it's so obvious he's not doing either of those.
Yeah, he's not fit at all.
It's funny, the picture he has on his Spotify, they did a really good job shopping that picture to kind of make him look young and almost handsome.
But on his feet, he's a total thumb, like you said.
He's a total thumb.
He's a thumb and not even in a stocky way.
He's just very schlubby.
Yeah, he's like, yeah, he doesn't look fit at all.
He has, like, no definition in his arms.
He has a little bit of a gut, which is, nothing's wrong with those things.
That's, you know, your boy's gutted up.
We just want our boys in blue to be more fit and better on to fight the criminal element, you know?
Well, especially if there's a direct correlation between you doing sit-ups and their, you know, and their being justice and, like, push-ups for peace or, well, vice versa.
It's like, yo, can you just do more push-ups then if, like, that's really gonna, like, bring justice and peace?
I guess you can't do too many because then your friends will start falling out around you.
I love it because, like, the idea, first of all, push-ups for justice, sit-ups for peace, is fucking hilarious, obviously, but what's, yeah, even more hilarious is that he's just not doing either one of those things anyway!
Yeah!
Like, the idea that you're doing push-ups for justice is, you know, funny, but then to say you do push-ups for justice, uh, and then just don't do them.
It's great.
It's like, oh, I wrote, you know, I wrote this 10-page essay to cure cancer or something, and then it's just clear that you haven't done anything.
And we also know it's bullshit.
We only, we know the only exercise that actually brings peace is burpees.
Yeah, that's true.
I do kegels for combat, CrossFit for peace.
Um, yeah, okay, last line of this song.
When evil brings the fight, you know it's outnumbered.
Sink your teeth in its back.
You're the wolf hunter!
Again, man, like, so you snuck up from this wolf from behind and attacked it?
Yeah, I think so.
They tell themselves the whole time here.
It's crazy.
He bit it with his mouth.
No, I know that I put, I know I put those methamphetamines there, but they were gonna get some anyways, so we were just saving it time.
Saving time, being more efficient, it's your tax dollars at work.
You're welcome.
Yeah.
Um, yeah, sink your teeth in its back, you're the wolf hunter, so literally take a bite out of crime.
Mhm.
This dude is just McGruff the Crime Dog for people who think Tom McDonald is saving rap.
Yeah, it's... I just love how much he tells on himself about this entire thing.
And it's like, yo, you're a fucking crybaby, man.
Huge baby.
Why do any of these things affect you?
It's so wild to me.
Let's go on to the next song, which is hilarious.
Once again, I'll play a little bit of it.
That thing's crazy.
Meme alert!
That sound?
What?
Meme alert!
All right, let's let's stop there for a second. let's let's stop there for a second.
Yeah, there's a lot already that just blows my mind.
Yeah, obvious is, first of all, the fucking Kmart Cypress Hill beat.
You know what's funny, and I'm kind of mad about it, this actually, to me, sounds a lot like ICP.
Oh, okay.
Which they would hate.
They would be really mad if they heard this.
And that kind of reminds me a lot of that, like, because you said Cypress Hill, but Cypress Hill just kind of had that one circus-y song where lots of ICPs has that, like, circus-y type sound.
Yeah, I'm just thinking of the episode of That Awful Sound that you did.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
That's totally the same thing.
Rock superstar slash rap superstar.
That's what it is.
With that organ type beat?
Yeah, the bum-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam.
Yeah.
But like, the way he's rapping is very ICP-ish.
Insane cop posse.
Insane cop police.
That's what it would be too.
And it would be like insanely cool police.
Or ill, cool police.
Yeah.
Um, yeah, so the line that sticks out to me immediately would have to be, point more guns at more people than gang bangers.
Yes!
But I get to squeeze the trigger, now you tell me who has anger.
Yes!
Like, what the fuck are you saying?
Do you know what you're saying?
Are you aware that you're saying that you do in fact cause more harm than these gangs that you're after?
This is like...
It's this song, this specific song, which is called Blue Line Soldiers, by the way, just, like, totally erasing any ambiguity from the idea that cops think that they're soldiers, think that they're troops, think that they're, like, killing machines.
Like the Punisher logo, The thing that happens when cops try to make themselves look cool is they just make themselves look more, even more deranged.
More monstrous, yeah.
It's like, it's, you can't do it.
You can't try to make somebody who is, who is like, I don't know, licensed to kill, literally has the authority to just wreck your shit at any moment.
You can't try to make that cool because the only way to make that cool is to make it like edgy and aggressive.
Yeah, and they even tell themselves even further when it says it's not just in the uniform.
He says, like, always got my Glock because of all the off-duty, like, deaths.
Right.
And that's very true.
Like, if a cop gets in some sort of altercation off-duty, he's still gonna be able to get away with a whole lot of stuff with his gun.
And he's saying that right then and there.
It's like, yo, it doesn't even matter what I have my uniform on.
Like, I'm ready to go 24-7.
Yeah, and it's just like, when you're trying to be a cop rapper, you know, and you're just like cribbing the sort of, you know, the culture from regular rap, actual rap, you know, it's like...
You're undermining the argument that you are the force for good or you're somehow better than the criminal element when you're bragging about how many people you can legally point your gun at and pull the trigger.
Totally, yeah.
Well, I mean, it's not bad if it's not a crime.
That's the whole thing.
It's that easy.
When they do it, it is a crime, so it's bad.
When cops do it, it's not a crime, so it's not bad.
Yeah.
But I get to squeeze the trigger.
Now you tell me who has anger.
Which I don't understand.
No, I don't understand either.
What?
Because, again, the answer, me, motherfucker.
Like, I'm mad.
That's exactly why I'm mad.
But also him.
Also he's mad.
It's very unclear what he's trying to say.
He's trying to, no, like, I have anger issues and I have the ability to kill you legally.
Yeah.
Understand this.
That's what makes me so cool.
It's almost like a warning, too.
It's like, hey, guys, I'm already mad.
Maybe you guys should chill.
Maybe you should know that.
Don't poke the bear.
I think that's it.
I think that's what he's saying.
Yeah.
Next line, which is amazing.
So let's get tantric.
Yeah, man, throw a tantrum.
Let's go, wolf hunters, sing along with that anthem.
Does he know what tantric is?
I think he's just referring specifically to the fact that he was the bullied kid in the video for "Breakdown by Tantric." Oh man.
Which would make a lot of sense.
Like you know, you get food thrown at you, you get banged into a locker by the jocks or whatever.
You're not a particularly athletic guy.
You can't do push-ups even though you brag about it.
So yeah, you become a cop and just, like, siphon all that anger into the evil gangbangers, you know?
Well, no, it's the whole thing is he doesn't have to look that fit Because you're way stronger if you just reserve your energy and, like, never nut.
And you practice tantric sex.
It's the Trump School of exercise.
You have a limited amount of energy, and why would you waste it on push-ups?
Yeah, and you need to keep that focus.
Trust me, my shot's better when I haven't fapped in a while.
You have to save that explosive energy.
Yeah, so let's get tantric.
Yeah, man, throw a tantric...
Is this a way of he's saying, like, yeah, come on, baby, let's dance.
Like the way you would be, like, gay to another guy to intimidate him?
Yeah, yeah, totally.
Try to, like, alpha him in a way.
Yeah.
And also, yeah, throw a tantrum?
That's like a weird, childish word to use.
Well, I mean, it insinuates being childish.
I think he's accusing Black Lives Matter.
Yeah, I think he's calling Black Lives Matter childish.
Totally, yeah.
Throw a tantrum.
You're being upset for no reason.
And then, yeah, he says wolf hunters again in this song.
And then he also said at the very beginning, like, who's the only one that's running towards the gunshots?
Like, it's the same fucking thing over and over.
By the way, uh...
The music video for Tantric for Breakdown by Tantric.
I went and watched it again.
I don't know if we covered it on that awful sound, but it's such an unsettling video because the lead singer is so beautiful.
He looks like Linda Cardellini from Freaks and Geeks, but with just like a five o'clock shadow.
It's unsettling how pretty he is.
And he's got, I know, I know the breakdown's coming, everything!
He's got this, like, incredibly deep voice, and it's just all very weird.
I think, don't even really remember that song, but for some reason I do remember the video.
You can't find a reason that... Oh, no, yeah.
I did look him up, yeah, he's beautiful.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's weird.
No one should, no one should be allowed to be that beautiful, I think.
And he does those lips a lot?
Like those, like, Instagram, like, pouty lip thing?
I also learned that I think him, but at least other members of the band, used to be in Days of the New, which is embarrassing for me because that's a bad song that I genuinely like, and it's like heavy, it's like a heavy grunge song, but with just acoustic guitars.
Let me think of it for a second.
When it was played on our local alternative station, X13.9, during a lunch block, what song was it paired with?
That's their only song.
Oh, man.
That's their only song, so... Oh, it's, uh... Now I've finally found a reason I don't need an excuse.
Oh, yeah, totally!
That song went hard, yeah.
It's got that acoustic guitar solo.
The one to abuse!
The one to abuse, yeah!
Yeah, that song went hard, dude.
That's a deep cut.
That's a deep, butt-rock cut.
I think I might master that.
It's got like four acoustic instruments in it.
Yeah oh because it has that yeah the U.I.
has that solo with like the and they're like tapping the guitar too during that.
It's like...
It's like, it's like not a bongo, it is like the drum, it is the guitar they're tapping on.
Oh yeah, yeah, he's slapping the body.
He's doing a Justin Bieber thing there.
Is that a Justin Bieber thing?
Isn't that how he got famous on YouTube?
By like slapping his guitar and shit?
Sure, I don't know.
So the best part of this song, Blue Line Soldiers, is the chorus, is the hook, which is just, Blue Line Soldiers.
You have the right to remain silent.
Blue.
It's so bad.
Dude, it's so awful.
I didn't write the law.
No, man, I didn't make it.
But I guarantee you'll see me if he does break it.
I'm locked and I'm loaded.
Now let's go fight crime.
Here comes the soldiers marching straight down the blue line Blue, white, soldiers You have the right to remain silent Blue, white, soldiers Anything you say is used against you Blue, white, soldiers This ain't a joke, this is our town Blue Light Soldiers!
And we've come to take it down!
But can't you, like, picture, like, the music video where it's, like, like a posse shot of everyone saying, like, Blue Line Soldiers?
They have to be, like, marching to the beat on their respective beats.
Totally.
Totally.
Yeah, I could totally see it.
Uh, last from this from Blue Line Soldiers.
Gettin' no respect.
I'm sure Kaepernick can vouch.
Disrespectin' the flag while he's sittin' on his couch.
I'm pretty sure there's like a laugh right there.
There's like a hop.
Yeah, there is.
That's like a hard drop.
That's a hard cut against Kaepernick right there.
Stand for the badge, die for the shield, but good luck getting through this glock that I wield.
Gunshots.
I'm gonna kill Colin Kaepernick.
He just said that.
I'm gonna kill Kaepernick.
He just said that.
Jesus Christ.
Bust a cap in cap.
That has to exist.
That has to exist.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what the libertarian rap group has a song about.
I'm just going to say this real quick.
Yo, everyone kind of forgot about Kaepernick this season and I feel like everybody I know is watching a lot of football.
It's like, damn, you guys know that was like last season, right?
Like you guys, it's still, no?
All right.
Do you really expect people to boycott it?
Like, do you think a boycott would be effective?
Well, I feel like people who were vocal last season were like, I can't do two seasons.
Can't do it.
I mean, they're already relapsing the playoffs.
I can't do it two seasons.
Yeah, I think that that shit's pointless.
I admire the intent, but I think a boycott of the NFL is pointless.
It totally is.
It totally is, yeah.
It's just easy for me to say because I didn't watch it in the first place.
I'm like, yep, I'm just better than everybody.
Would you ever boycott hockey if the NHL pulled some shit?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I would.
Yeah.
But it wouldn't be hockey.
I would, like, boycott, like, the NHL.
I would watch, like, other hockey.
See, that's not fair.
There's no other football.
There is.
You just gotta, like, really find it.
There's, like, Italian leagues and stuff.
There's Canadian football.
Okay.
Alright.
That's called soccer, though.
They're not really down.
That's all.
They're just, you know... Football fans are just, like, posers.
They're all just, like, sports posers.
Yeah, I just love that he's going to kill Colin Kaepernick at this time.
Yeah, he totally says that.
Jeez.
There are gunshots in the track.
Try to block my glock.
Okay.
Good luck getting through this Glock.
Final song.
Honestly, like, listen to the top Spotify tracks for Forensic because they're so fucking funny.
Like, Invincible is hilarious.
Saving a Hero is hilarious.
There's one called Cali Step.
There's one called Armed and Dangerous, which I'm pretty sure he's talking about himself because he's so cool.
We're just gonna talk about, real quick, Human, which is the song about how he's human.
I guess I should play a little bit of it, huh?
Here, take this photograph.
Tell me what it is to see when you look at me.
To the photography, I don't really need your sympathy.
Just tell me your thoughts.
Have I got what they got?
And is it a plot done for not?
Am I not like you?
Because I do what I do.
Who knew that I could lose a few of you?
Because I bleed blue.
But it's true.
I know because I see it every day.
As I work and I sleep the day away.
Like you, I have pain.
And like you, I have fear.
Can I pay all of the bills?
And still make it through the year?
While I'm making home alive?
Should I pray to the sky?
Every day and every night?
While I hold you by my side?
But in the public eye, I don't even have a heart.
A robot of the system moving.
Only when I'm told to start.
Rip apart my art.
I'm strong like a flower blooming.
You got it all wrong.
I know I'm breathing.
I'm breathing like you see.
I see it.
I need it.
I need it.
I can't breathe.
I bleed.
Don't treat me like you're out.
I'm tested and proven.
Mind, heart, and soul.
I'll always be a human.
So when that track first starts, it reminded me a lot of that Timberland song, Apologize.
Oh yeah, I know the one.
Oh my god, dude.
So when that track first starts, it reminded me a lot of that Timberland song, Apologize.
Oh yeah, I know the one.
But then once the hook comes in, it is back to Linkin Park.
So the hook on this one is the worst thing I've heard from him.
And it's saying something.
Yeah.
The whole, just like way too loud, sung by a chorus of men.
It sounds like, I don't know, the Mormon tabernacle choir doing the gladiator theme acapella.
Totally, yeah.
So bad.
It's like a score that would be too bad for the first Assassin's Creed.
It's so dramatic.
The whole song sounds so dramatic because of that chorus in there and because of the electronic strings throughout it.
It's supposed to be a heavy song.
When he talks about if he can make enough money to pay his bills, I just got so furious.
Yeah, you make like $80,000 a year, dude.
Um, here, take this photograph.
Tell me what it is you see when you look at me deep into the photography.
What do you picture when you see this picture of me?
What's the image do you imagine in this imagery?
I'm imagining, like, a Netflix descriptive text.
Yeah, that text that's just, like, filler that's not actual words.
It's just, like, for, you know, product descriptions or for, like, photographs of products that haven't been described yet, and it's just fake words, and it's just different variations on the word photography over and over.
No, no, I'm talking about when they do the voice description of what's on the screen.
Right.
Like when it opens up, it's like, red letter N appears in the middle of the screen.
But this would be like, you know, like, blue line appears in the middle of the screen.
Leo man.
Leo man face comes into focus.
He is just like you.
The officer is very paranoid about his surroundings, possibly because his eyes are set so closely together he can't keep a look over his shoulder.
That's exactly- that's probably a huge part of his insecurity, yeah.
He only feels safe when he's wearing those, like, spy-see-behind-you sunglasses with the mirrors on the inside?
Yeah, dude, dude, dude, I don't really need your sympathy.
Good.
Thank you.
Just tell me your thoughts.
Have I got what they got, and is it a plot of the knot?
What is that?
Spelled like the bestiality fetish, Nodding.
The canine unit, apparently.
Oh god.
But in the public eye, I don't even have a heart.
A robot of the system, moving only when I'm told to start.
Rip apart my art, I'm strong like a flower blooming.
You've got it all wrong.
So, a lot going on in this.
I think it's, first of all, I want to say that the place where I got this from, the lyrics rather, they had them transcribed as, rip apart my art, I'm strong like a flower bullet.
Well, yep.
I think it's funny that they just like couldn't tell what he said and they're like, you probably just said bullet again.
Probably just talking about his gun again.
Just put bullet in there.
Well, I do think that that might be like one of the things, uh, a strong, a strong flower blooming is like a spent like shell, like a spent like bullet.
It's what a hollow point looks like after it's shattered inside of a cop's rib cage.
Right?
That's what it says, right?
It's supposed to be a bloomed flower?
Yeah.
So maybe they were just on the Rap Genius page type thing.
Rip apart my art.
And I guess he's talking about his raps.
That's his art.
And he doesn't like it when we rip it apart.
So sorry about that, dude.
My bad.
And then the chorus, yeah.
The hook is, like you breathe, I breathe.
And like you see, I see.
When I say, don't move, don't move.
Just like that, hell yeah.
Just like that, hell yeah.
Hell yeah, now Leo, plant that crack.
Man, oh.
Has Ludacris ever played a cop in a movie?
No, I don't think so.
I think he's only played a race car driver.
Very different than a cop.
It's like the opposite of a cop.
Yeah, uh, don't treat me like an object.
I'm tested and proven.
Mind, heart, and soul.
I'll always be human.
I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.
It's like every single time I say what's on my mind, they go for my throat.
They spew evil words.
If you are absurd, always grinding, grinning, and killing my soul with these verbs.
It's like, hey dawg, they're just words to chill.
Like, why are you being such a baby for?
I just love that, like, yeah, we're getting back into the backpack lyrical miracle thing with just rapping about superb verbs that disturb.
Yep, it's always grinding, grinning, and killing my soul with these verbs.
Hold me down like I can't grasp for air.
I'm closed inside of a box like I'm inside Fort Knox.
That doesn't rock.
Nope.
I'd just rather kick off my socks.
Gonna do it for hip-hop, hip-hop.
This is one of the more audacious lines again.
Completely.
Oh, you can't fucking grasp for air?
Like, fuck you.
Hold me down like I can't gasp for air, uh, because somebody had a sign that said Black Lives Matter.
Yeah.
The reason that person had a sign that said Black Lives Matter is because you guys literally, not metaphorically, not emotionally, lyrically held someone down and they couldn't gasp for air and they died.
They died.
Yeah.
They died, and now they are literally closed inside of a box forever.
Not like Fort Knox, like a coffin, because you guys killed them.
And this has happened more than once now, that exact scenario, where they've just suffocated a black man to death, and all they have to do is look at signs.
It's like, that's it?
That's all you have to do?
That's all the repercussion?
Like, good for you.
I mean fucking Antonio Brown couldn't even wear the helmet he wanted to wear because of concussions.
You know, cause like uh, they have to deal with the consequences.
All you gotta do is uh, fucking see a sign every once in a while and maybe have someone spit in your general direction.
But that probably doesn't even happen.
No.
Um, so I just, you know, to close off this segment, I just, I think the idea of a cop rapping about how sad he is and how in danger his life is and how he's, like, perpetrating war on the people in the city that he's supposed to protect.
Yeah.
Uh, it's fucking horrifying, equal parts horrifying and hilarious, and I just, like, imagined what it would be like if, uh, I wrote a rap, a sad, like, paranoid rap about my job.
You know, as a UPS guy, and I just have a little verse here.
Couple bars for us?
Just a couple bars.
I brave these yards, dogs armed to the teeth, but if I kill your pet they're gonna arrest me?
What can Brown do for you is the UPS adage, but you see pain in my eyes when you hand me a FedEx package And you know which is better all right Are they both great?
It's for you to judge.
That's beautiful.
It happens all the time.
It's the number one thing that happens to UPS drivers and people don't talk about it.
People are like, hey, I have a package for you.
I'll be right back.
And then they take a minute and they come back and it's a freaking USPS package.
Or it's a FedEx package.
And people don't talk about that.
No respect.
They're just spitting in your face, basically.
They just think, oh, UPS is so great.
They deliver all the packages.
They're the only postal service that matters.
And it's like, on one hand, yes.
But on the other hand, no.
And then they call you out and they're like, they're like rain, sleet, or snow, right?
And you're like, nope, that's not me.
That's still not me.
Just before I move into the comments, it is good that we did pick Forensic Officer Deputy Hookum because he had a couple other cop and vet rappers featured with him that we couldn't cover because the thing I did like about Forensic is that he He stole his style directly from Mike Shinoda and, like you said, Papa Roach.
Jacoby Shaddix.
Yeah, exactly.
Jacoby.
Cottonmouth Kings.
Those are his rap gods, you know?
But the other rappers that we would have had to cover, in order to do their voices, you would have been pretty racist-sounding covering them because they are doing this urban caricature throughout all of their raps.
It's always fun.
It's really bad.
It's really bad.
So I'm happy that we chose this guy to come because I don't want to cancel you for being a racist for doing an impression of a white guy doing an impression of a black guy.
I'm always in fear that you will cancel me and I base the programming of this show entirely on that.
Good, good, good.
And that's how people should do all their whole lives.
Okay, let's get into a few YouTube and Facebook comments for Forensic.
Polkatown on YouTube says, I hate rap.
Why do I like this?
And the answer is because you're racist.
That's the answer to that question.
Actually, the answer is because the timing, the tempo of a lot of these songs is the same count as most polka.
Um, this was the number one comment.
We just had to get it out of the way.
I mean, if you listen to that awful sound, or if you're on the internet at all, this is a meme, but it's a real thing that people say all the time.
Extremely real.
It's so fucking funny, I'm in that Tom McDonald Facebook group, and every other day is a post about how, oh, I used to hate rap, and then Tom McDonald made it okay for me, a white guy from the suburbs, or a white guy from a trailer park.
Yeah.
Or like, me, six months ago, blasting Tom McDonald, my wife in the other room folding laundry.
Ew, what is that?
Three months ago, my wife blasting Tom McDonald while doing the dishes.
You know.
Yeah, absolutely.
I don't know if you saw it, but in the MDC Facebook group in Minion Death Commandos, I shared one of the posts, probably the best post I've ever seen from the Tom McDonald Facebook group, which was a guy posting about how he got his ass kicked for playing Tom McDonald to the wrong people.
Yep, yep.
He played a song for them to try and show them that Tom McDonald wasn't racist, and he got hit in the face with a 10-pound weight.
Weird.
Weird outcome.
Which may or may not have happened.
His injuries were not that extensive.
He had a couple scratches on his nose.
Very funny, nonetheless.
Okay, this next comment also from YouTube.
Wow, this is way more, quote, real than all that gangster rap shit.
Every word is true and it's just pure fire.
Much love from the UK!
Says, Violence is fun.
Ooh, really wholesome.
I think they're just disappointed that a lot of the violent gangsta rap they hear is, in fact, fabricated and an exaggeration.
Yeah, it's not real.
This is way more voyeuristic because you know it's a cop and you know they really do this shit.
That's true.
I felt way more threatened listening to this than I have while listening to any other rap music.
Yeah, this gave me some weird adrenaline rush.
Yeah, Shaggy Boy on YouTube says, finally, finnally, he says actually, finnally somebody else respects the police.
Norris Greisa replies, it made me happy to know not all rappers hate police.
And then Christopher Mincy replies to both of them, he's a cop.
He is a cop, yeah.
He is the one respecting himself.
Yeah, it's I just like myself.
And he had to do it.
Nobody else would do it.
I mean, so, you know, call him what you will.
You know, call him, oh, he's self-centered or whatever.
But nobody else was doing it.
What magical, like, town do you live in where there's no bootlickers?
Because I can't go anywhere.
And I live in an area where you'd think there would be spots I can go without seeing a bootlicker.
But no.
I will be, I will be, you know, in the middle of like Rialto and there will be a dude with a Blue Lives Matter sticker on his car every day.
Yeah, you should play a game.
Like, you know those childish games you used to play?
Like, oh, if I, if I make this, like, if I make this hoop, then God exists.
And then it doesn't make it or whatever.
Or like, I'm going to try to hold my breath until I see a red car or something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You should hold your breath while you're driving until you see another Blue Lives Matter sticker and then if you don't see it you can die happy.
That would work.
I already play a game similar to that where like basically every time I leave the house and get into my car and go from A to B I'm like you know if I get there I get there but if I get pulled over it's okay it's the end I'm ready for this.
Yeah you just hold your breath the whole time because you might get shot.
Yeah.
Isaiah Tesdahl says, God bless you officers and may you, blessed are the peacemakers.
Whoever disliked this song, burn in hell.
Just for the mere infraction of disliking this song, burn in hell.
We need more peace.
They're clearly not peacemakers if they disliked this song, so to hell with them.
Damned in tarnation.
I wish we lived in a time where like damning somebody was just like the worst thing you can say to them.
James Smirthwaite says, uh, two minutes, 45 seconds.
The Punisher emblem.
Respect.
Oh, they know what's up.
Hey, nice.
I was worried this guy wasn't like an authentic cop, but then I saw that You know, he in fact does have all the right likings.
Oh shit, the Punisher emblem.
Shut up.
Alright, cool, cool, cool.
Damn, real heads only.
Real heads.
Damn, much love, brother.
Uh, Mr. Ed says... Hang on.
Hang on to your butts here.
Mr. Ed says, This is a good song for me, as I am getting a security license to be a security guard in the local mall.
Trust me, it is going to be fun dealing with thieves and people not behaving and such.
So us security officers are putting our lives out there every day when we go to work.
We never know what is going to happen.
People are crazy out there, and when you get to ask... And when you got to ask somebody to leave, then it can get crazier, and you never know some...
You never know, some can get upset because of me asking them to leave and come back in with a gun and kill me.
Sadly, people are that crazy these days.
We wouldn't read the responses, but it's just a bunch of cops calling out homophobic slurs.
Everybody is getting in on the my-life-is-in-danger action.
Yeah.
Everybody is getting in on the, wow, I'm gonna get my security license even though I know I could be strung up and gutted at any moment at the carousel mall.
Insane, yeah.
Like, isn't that, I don't know, I don't know.
To think that because you have a car with a siren on it that you wield some sort of power is crazy to me.
I have, like, really mixed feelings about security guards.
Like, I know a lot of security guards don't actually give a shit about theft, don't actually give a shit about shoplifting, they're not getting paid much, you know, they're just needed a fucking job.
A lot of them tend to be people of color, in my, you know, sort of anecdotal experience.
And...
Those security guards I don't really have a problem with.
But then I also remember, like, my days of growing up and getting, like, my board snatched by a security guard.
Or the security guards who will go on to try and tackle somebody who stole, you know, a $9 pair of earbuds or something.
Or you read the comment from Mr. Ed.
Yeah.
Conflicted about it.
Which is gonna be really silly to see a whore security guard Oh, with the Mr. Ed name?
Yeah, that's funny.
It's funny to imagine.
It's real silly.
I'd watch that movie.
Paul Blart Horse Cop?
This is the last comment.
James Ledger III on Facebook said, There was a time I became a drone of myself with no drive, falling through each day.
This man's music reignited my passion for this career.
I have cried many times listening to his music, imagining my life scenarios and those other agencies deal with.
Fucking brutal comment.
Incredibly depressing comment.
It's super upsetting.
Is James a cop?
I think he is a cop.
That's what he said.
He didn't know how to love being a cop until forensic told him that he could do battle on the streets every day with unarmed citizens.
Yeah, he became just so desensitized but then, you know, forensics reminded him that we are in the middle of a war.
Yeah, he was like, he had no meaning in life until forensic was like...
Black Lives Matter are spewing verbs and words that are absurd.
And he's like, oh my God.
And you're like, no, the curbs.
Yes.
And I went to James Ledger's profile because I wanted to see like how much of a cop he was, you know?
And it's all sad posting.
It's all like weird, sad posting.
And one of the most recent ones, he shared something from an introvert Facebook page.
Oh man.
And it's like a cute little cartoon character who's like, oh I love my phone, I can surf the internet or whatever, and then the phone rings and the character's like, oh no.
Dude, that's gonna happen.
You think like, what if cops start trying to like recruit incels?
Well, I'm sure that's already a thing.
I don't think they have to do much recruitment.
But an introvert is something different.
Like, an introvert is... Oh, totally.
Like, a specific brand of people.
And I think the idea of a cop introvert is so funny.
It's wild, yeah.
It's so, like, it's so funny to me.
And I'm just... Hey, why didn't you go fucking stop that?
Why didn't you... I got nervous.
I just didn't want to.
I had to recharge my batteries.
I had already spent my energy for that day.
I kind of needed to do me.
27 problems only cop introverts will understand.
When you need to take breaks and recharge after beating up homeless people for too long.
When your co-workers stop inviting you to the Klan rally because you never show up anyway.
Forcing yourself to add exclamation points to your text messages with patriot prayer so they won't think you hate them.
And then one more.
Detaining someone indefinitely is a nightmare because it means you have to be on at all times.
I would watch that sitcom.
Just like, oh no, am I being friendly enough?
Yeah.
Sorry about my partner.
He just, you know, he's a little bit of a shy guy.
Okay, that's the episode, folks.
Thanks so much for listening.
This is a fun, weird episode.
Yeah, I enjoyed it.
If you want to write to us, MinionDeathCult at gmail.com.
Follow us on social media at MinionDeathCult.
Subscribe to Patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash MinionDeathCult.
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It's helping out a lot financially for us at the moment, so we really appreciate it.
It's very crucial.
Yeah, and you get bonus content every week, so you're not getting nothing for it.
Yeah, that's it.
Right, Tony?
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Hopefully we hooked ya.
Okay.
That's it.
Thanks for listening, everybody.
Bye.
Appreciate it.
Bye.
You have the emergence in human society of this thing that's called the state.
What is the state?
The state is this organized bureaucracy It is the police department.
It is the army, the navy.
It is the prison system, the courts, and what have you.
This is the state.
It is a repressive organization.
But the state, in three words, you know, you've got to have the police, because if there were no police, look at what you'd be doing to yourselves.
You'd be killing each other if there were no police.
But the reality is, the police become necessary in human society.
Only at that juncture in human society I throw a Molotov cocktail at the precinct.
You know how we think.
Organize the hood under I Ching banners.
Red, black and green instead of gang bandanas.
FBI spying on us through the radio antennas.
And I'm hitting cameras in the street like Watcher Society.
With no respect for the people's right to privacy.
I take a slug for the cause like Huey P. While all you fake niggas try to copy Master P. I want to be free to live.
I'm able to have what I need to live.
Bring the power back to the street where the people live.
We sick of working for crumbs and filling up the prisons.
Dying over money and relying on religion for help.
We do for self like ants in a colony.
Organize the wealth into a socialist economy.
A way of life based off the common needs.
And all my comrades is ready.
We just spreading the seed.
To have a black male.
Live a third of his life in a jail cell.
Cause the world is controlled by the white male.
And the people don't ever get justice.
And the women don't ever get respected.
And the problems don't ever get solved.
And the jobs don't ever pay enough.
So the rent always be late.
Can you relate?
We living in a police state.
No more political monsters.
No more secret space launches.
Government departments started it in the projects.
Material objects.
Thousands up in the closets.
Could have been invested in the future for my comrades.
Battle contacts.
Primitive weapons out in combat.
Many never come back.
Pretty niggas be running with gas.
Rather get shot in they back than fired back.
We tired of that.
Corporations hiring blacks.
Denying the facts.
Exploiting the We good to go.
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