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March 25, 2019 - Minion Death Cult
01:15:16
96 - 32 Simple Stream-Of-Consciousness Rules For Being MY SON

This week: The liberals forced us to address The Mueller Report, and the striking similarities between the "Save Us Mr. Mueller" faction and Q-anon DoubleTree Inn gets cancelled with extreme prejudice after refusing to serve a group of 600 troops and a humble businesswin facebook account tells us how to raise our giant, beautiful son.

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Time Text
The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today, so stay tuned.
We're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned guys, we'll show you exactly what it looks like when people are going to get yourself.
All their environmental stuff.
Stay tuned.
I'm Alexander Edward.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
And we are Minion Death Cult.
The world is ending.
Your uncle's racist Facebook feed is responsible.
We're documenting it.
I want to give a quick shoutout to a couple users who have rated and reviewed us on iTunes.
Let's Do Cloacal says, Heart of Darkness, if you want to know how truly piggish and mean normal people are in this country, dial those dang minions up!
So real.
I really like that username, let's do cloacal.
Because like, we all know millennials are big fans of the butt stuff, right?
Like, we all know millennials eat some ass.
And like, what, Gen Xers are like all about feet or something?
Is that what cloacal means?
No, no, no.
So what I'm doing is I'm speculating about the new generation, the Zoomers, Gen Z. They're moving on to the next step in sexual evolution, which is cloacal stuff.
They're doing cloacal stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Which means... Real freaks.
Like, I think, having sex with birds.
But that's okay, because we all know birds aren't real.
So it's fine.
It's not actual... So we're just fucking the government.
It's fucking the government.
Exactly.
Porkborscht, another good username, says, love it!
Five stars.
If you were right-wing back in 2003, ooh.
I mean, you kind of had to be.
Like, if you didn't have a political stance in 2003, you just were right-wing, you know?
So it's understandable.
This show gives you a painful self-awareness of how dumb you were.
Because the same kind of stuff is still going on.
Thanks, MinionDeathCult, for keeping me on the right side of history.
Of the end of history, rather.
You're welcome.
That one really hit home.
That one hit home for sure.
As I, you know, in 2003 I would have been a young lad who said something like, you know, I'm really like a liberal Republican.
I'm like all for the gays, but like, you know, You know, abortion.
We gotta save those babies.
Yeah, in 2003, I considered myself progressive, but I was also like the kind of shithead who was like, well, I mean, abortion just means you don't have to face the consequences of your actions.
Exactly.
It's weird how both of our problematic stances as guys revolved around abortion.
Imagine that.
Well, I mean, that could have been my son.
What do you mean?
All those abortions could have been my son.
True.
I say that having a perfectly healthy daughter, but that could have been my son.
That's why you're so upset.
Yeah.
Um, okay.
So this episode, um, you know, we weren't planning to talk about Robert Mueller because, uh, who cares really?
Like, uh, I haven't been following the story about the Mueller Report because it's boring, first and foremost.
But also, I never thought it was going to have any effect on the Donald Trump presidency.
But the Mueller Report was just handed over to the Justice Department.
And we have to talk about it, I guess, right?
Because it's like political news or whatever.
You can touch on it, you know.
It's quote, quote, important.
Um, I just, you know, we've, we've, we have touched on it before and we've said before that we think that it's a liberal delusion that the FBI is going to like arrest Donald Trump for quote, colluding with the Russians.
Um, this is, In my mind, it's always been a distraction.
Even more of a distraction than electoral politics in general, which are a huge distraction from, you know, actual politics, like, you know, what restaurant you eat at, or what type of running shoes you buy.
Um... But if we have to address this, uh, this topic, I just want to point out, you know, like, since when has the FBI, or the Department of Justice, ever given a shit...
About prosecuting or arresting or punishing the most powerful people in this country.
Like, remember when bank executives went to prison for committing securities fraud and causing the global market crash in 2008?
I remember that iconic photo of them working on the side of the freeways in orange vests.
Yeah.
Boy, wouldn't that clash with Donald Trump's orange fuckin' skin if he did that?
Remember when the architects of the Iraq War and the fuckin' Bush torture program were prosecuted for The things they did?
Remember that?
Everybody remember that?
Why do we fall into the trap of thinking the FBI is good or the DOJ gives a shit about prosecuting people who actually impact our lives?
Well, because the times of politicians with principles are gone.
They're behind us.
And now we have these guys running amok and we're just hoping that someone's going to Gonna really put him in line.
God, remember when real politicians used to be on the radio?
I don't know.
So, like, you know, I had to look up, like, you know, the report.
And, you know, breaking news, like fucking an hour before we started recording, was that the Department of Justice released a summary of the Mueller report saying, oh, hey, no collusion, nothing.
No obstruction, no collusion.
Big whiff on both counts.
Um, even if there were, you know, even if there were evidence of collusion, which is a crime that doesn't actually exist, by the way, um, the Department of Justice has already said that their current operating guidelines Prevent them from indicting a sitting president.
They were never going to indict Donald Trump.
And what, you know, the press has been told by people who supposedly, you know, have access to Mueller or his intentions, they've been told that nobody else is going to be indicted.
So we've already seen indictments, which are On one hand, it's a big deal, you know, that so many people involved in Trump's campaign were indicted.
On the other hand, they were indicted for stuff like lying under oath, which, kind of a bullshit indictment, you know.
It's, uh, it's like tax evasion.
It's, it's like that kind of indictment.
You can't get somebody on, uh, treason, you know.
We want the FBI to get these people on treason.
So you just get them on, like, lying to Congress because their story changed the third time they told it.
It's weird that you can only like punish somebody for that if they're poor.
And by poor I mean like not a millionaire.
Yeah I mean relatively speaking that's pretty poor.
Yeah, so, I don't know.
Like, there's no more indictments coming from Mueller, so Donald Trump's shitty progeny is not going to be indicted, so that's it.
Mueller closed up shop.
His work is done.
Thank you for your service.
Now he's gonna write a book and make all the money.
And if we, uh, you know, on this show, like, we cover, um, outrageous The outrageous zeitgeist of the electorate, basically, on this show.
And it's like, we can't really cover the right wing on this topic like we would, you know, normally do.
And I mean the far right.
Because they love this.
They're super happy about this.
They're laughing about this a lot.
As they should be.
This is a very funny thing that happened to every liberal who had no idea on how to stop Donald Trump except, like, getting Robert Mueller's face tattooed on their back.
Yeah.
So we can't cover that response.
But I did, however, join a few Protect Robert Mueller Facebook groups for this episode.
And I'm so glad I did because they are fucking wonderful.
You gotta protect Mueller.
He's a treasure.
Well, we protected him long enough for him to retire.
So, job done.
Well done, everybody.
The group that let me in was a group called Fridays, Parentheses, and Other Days with Mueller.
And I was, like, really trying to figure out this group name.
And my only guess was that It's a pun or a reference to Tuesdays with Morrie?
That's a weird reference though, but I think you're right.
So I was like, okay.
this this group was called Tuesdays with Mueller and then because he finally submitted the report to the Department of Justice on Friday they changed the group name to Friday parentheses and other days with Mueller so I went into like the group history to look at it and it was nope it was always just Fridays with Mueller
And then they changed it to Fridays, parentheses, and other days with Mueller because, quote, every day is Mueller time.
Oh, fuck.
Every day is time.
Just that alone.
That shirt exists, doesn't it?
Yeah, oh, it's Mueller time exists.
Fuck.
There's a teespring shop with it's Mueller day plastered all over it.
That's so sad.
I mean, like, Mueller's a disappointment, but I don't want to put that on Miller.
Miller's not that bad.
No, I mean, it's the fucking champagne of beers.
Yeah, I mean, living the high life.
Living the high life, putting away the low lives.
It's really not technically the champagne of beers.
It can't be the champagne of beers unless it comes from Milwaukee.
Technically.
The Milwaukee region.
The Milwaukee region of America.
Yeah.
Yes.
So, yeah, fun group.
And the pinned post is like, you know, hey, welcome to the group or whatever.
Don't be mean.
And the admin who posted this, their name is Jan Riddleberger.
Which is a real name.
And I imagine, like, they changed their last name to Riddle Burger because, you know, a bunch of people on the right were calling the Mueller Report a nothing burger?
Jan's like, uh, au contraire.
Fuck.
It's not a nothing burger.
Mueller's grilling up a riddle burger.
A real riddle burger.
And it's up to us to decipher the clues.
Fuck.
And just one comment on this post.
Karna Cleaver.
Amazing fucking name, Jesus Christ.
Karna Cleaver.
And it's not Kar-nay Cleaver, which would be slightly more fun.
It's just Karna Cleaver.
says, "Welcome to this amazing group.
"Not too sure how sane you will end up.
"Maybe a popcorn addict.
"Or family may disown you after a while "and say you have changed into some kind of crazy.
"But it is good to have a look at the truth once in a while "and then feel we are on the right track to the truth.
"Hope and justice coming soon to our world." - What's this wave of nostalgia?
Yeah, I'm definitely getting like some sense of deja vu, some sense of familiarity.
Oh yeah!
QAnon!
This is the exact same rhetoric that everybody in the QAnon groups that I'm part of uses.
Like, your family may think you crazy, but sometimes the truth is a little twisted.
Well, it's right in front of us.
It's been in front of us the whole time.
Think about it, man.
The alphabet.
L, M, N, O, Q. M, no Q, Mueller, no Q. It's all right there.
Yeah, totally.
Fuck, whoa.
Yeah, like your husband may take your name off the joint checking account, but at least you'll know the truth.
Um, yeah, you gotta stop sending them money for the truth.
They're not going to give you the documents.
I don't know if I've, I don't know if I said it on the show or in the Facebook group, but, uh, the Mueller, the Mueller love, the like pinning your hopes on Robert Mueller is just the centrist, you know, liberal equivalent of the QAnon phenomenon.
That's a phenomenon, A-N-O-N.
Um, It is a... It is fueled, both phenomena are fueled by a feeling of helplessness, a feeling of alienation, or...
A lack of agency when it comes to the world and you know more specifically politics.
It's a feeling like hey you know you you can't control who is president because that election already happened or you can't control your diabetes or You can't control the fact that, like, you have no friends or whatever, but this one person might have a solution for you.
And that person is either Robert Mueller or QAnon.
It's fueled by the same, like, desperation.
The same sort of, like, um...
Helplessness in in in terms of politics and not knowing how to do politics in America because we are so alienated from our labor power or from just our pop or our populism in this country and so We're told you know doing politics is just voting every two years or doing politics is calling your congressman And if you've already done all that like what else can you do?
Oh, it's like spread the word about this other person who has much Much more power than you do.
And get behind him, and just hope for the best.
It's the mirror image of the QAnon conspiracy.
Sam Miller in this group on Friday, so the day that the report was given to the DOJ.
Miller wasn't gonna waste time dot dot charging the Trumps dot dot because Donnie would pardon and give them full immunity dot dot.
Russians love chess.
Dot dot.
Mueller played it well.
Dot dot.
Now it's time for the state of New York to save America.
What is this, uh, what is this test shack tactic?
Is this the one where you just move your pawn back and forth the entire game?
Just one pawn back and forth?
It's where you move your pawn and just hold your finger on it so like your turn isn't over yet.
You just never hit the clock.
You just never do it.
Yeah, and there's a lot going on here.
Russians love chess.
That part's true.
I don't know if you've seen any movies about chess.
Always Russians in it.
Russians and computers.
They both love chess.
Russian computers?
Yeah, Mueller wasn't going to waste time dot dot charging the Trumps.
And so this is like, because before the report was summarized, It was clear that there wasn't going to be any more indictments.
So, you know, Don wasn't going to get indicted, the family wasn't going to get indicted, etc.
So they had to reconcile.
They had to reconcile that idea with the rest of their worldview.
And it's just in striking contrast to Sam's post a week before this of like, you know, Mueller's almost done.
Trump is finished.
Can't wait to see him behind bars.
Like, it's just, you know, your belief system evolves to keep up with reality.
Sam Miller also comments, or posts, here's what happened.
Can't wait to hear what happened.
Most people thought the Mueller report would be the grand finale, like you did a week ago, when in actuality, dot dot, it's the beginning of the next chapter, dot dot dot, which is either, dot dot, the impeachment, comma, plus removal of Trump, dot dot, or resignation, dot dot.
So most people feel empty or like justice didn't prevail, dot dot.
My advice to you is, dot dot.
Go look up Bobby's history, dot.
Look what he stands for, dot.
So Robert Mueller, Bobby.
Get ready, dot.
I promise, dot dot.
You're gonna enjoy what happens next, dot.
This is Mueller last case.
Dot.
That report will be his last service to the nation.
Dot.
Dot.
Trust me.
Dot.
The truth is in it.
So, yeah.
Yeah, the truth is in it.
Just cryptic nonsense.
Cryptic wish fulfillment.
Um, it sucks.
Like, I don't blame Sam Miller for desperately wanting Trump out of office.
Um, not gonna happen this way.
It's not, it's not how it's gonna happen.
Like, you know, people are saying if the full report is made public, you know, we get to know what's in it and we can see all the details of possible other crimes that Donald Trump and his family have committed and then that may serve as a basis for impeachment.
Well, guess who controls the Senate, people?
Mitch McConnell.
Republicans.
Yeah.
Handily.
They're never going to impeach Trump.
Even if it came out that Trump killed somebody and there was plenty of evidence for it, Mitch McConnell would say, well, there's an election coming up.
Let's let the voters decide.
That's exactly what would happen.
That's what happened with Obama's Supreme Court picks.
That's what would happen with the impeachment of a murderous Donald Trump.
What's funny about that is, you know, speaking of the Q parallels, the sad thing is that all that the liberals really have on the Q people is an actual name and an actual document.
And boy, a face too, you know.
But now we can't be like, oh, because CQ, they get to live on.
They get to continue to exist in this because they get to say, If there was a document that didn't please them, they just get to say, nope, that wasn't the real document.
That's just a ploy.
But the liberals have to just kind of accept this is the truth.
Well, no, not really, because we haven't seen the actual document.
We've only seen the summary from the head of the Department of Justice, Barr.
We haven't seen the actual.
So if you go to a comment section on the New York Times or NPR or whatever, every single comment is Give us the full document or this is a cover-up.
Oh yeah, yeah.
And the point that plenty of people have been making is we can see why Trump is an absolute bastard and unfit to be in a leadership role of any kind, let alone among society, right in front of our faces.
We can see that every day.
And you're going to have to do something else about it.
You're gonna have to do some more politics if you want to change that.
Because, yeah, the FBI does not give a shit about it.
No.
No.
There's too many BLM activists out there and trans rights activists and feminists out there.
And mentally ill Muslim teenagers that need to be set up and entrapped.
Yeah.
I think the funniest part about this is that Mueller did operate with a very narrow scope.
He was specifically only looking into collusion, Russian collusion, which should have been the first indication that this would be like, You know, disastrous to pin all your hopes on this investigation.
But he's been very careful when it comes to leaks.
The department has been
out of the media they've been avoid making statements loosely and that type of uh what do you call it that the care that was put into prosecuting or conducting this investigation properly is directly a result of the lesson that they learned after investigating Hillary and then releasing a statement about how
Hillary was bad, but we've decided not to indict her.
We've decided not to charge her with anything, but she was still bad, and we're still letting you know about this investigation, etc.
So, you know, I do blame Hillary for the majority of her loss in 2016, but I think there's a good argument to be made that the FBI coming out and saying, oh yeah, she was under investigation, and she did a bunch of bad stuff, but we're not charging her, like, You know, a few days before the election did hurt her.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
And I think it's supremely hilarious that the lesson they learned from that just only continues to help the person who beat her in that election.
I think that's very funny.
And like liberals are calling for like, I hope they don't do that to him.
Because we didn't want them to do that to her, so we have to hold the same principles.
Oh, that's weird.
Yeah, I've heard that a few places.
And it's like, nah man, fuck that noise.
Drag that motherfucker, but they're not going to, obviously.
Yeah.
Okay, before we move on to the next topic of the night, there is one more thing that I learned in this Robert Mueller Facebook group, uh, that I'm eternally grateful for.
It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and instead of talking about it, um, I'm just gonna go ahead and play it right now.
I'm gonna only say that this video is titled, You Are Nothing Like McCain.
Because they're alive.
He was brave and he was honest.
You're a liar and a wimp.
He had purple hearts and bronze stars.
Your fake bones first made you think.
He had honor and compassion.
What are you not?
You're not McCain.
You are bankrupt morally.
Your whole life has been a ruse.
You are challenging a dead man to a fight and yet you lose.
He was not a perfect human but admitted when he fell.
Who are you not?
You know damn well.
When he was shot down and captured by the North Vietnamese and nearly died in torturous incarceration.
You were in court being sued for racial discrimination.
You are nothing like McCain.
Nothing in the world.
There is nothing you can claim that is anything like McCain.
How do you solve a problem like a Cheeto?
Hurry, Mueller.
Things are grim.
Anyone but him.
I fucking love this.
This is the best, one of the best things I've seen.
Hey, best thing I've seen in at least six or seven minutes.
Absolutely.
It is a, what looks to be about a 60 year old song and dance.
No, no dancing.
Just like show tunes, duo, a husband and wife.
Possibly the husband is wearing an old timey sailor cap as he plays the piano.
Yeah, and it's the best.
It makes me want to wear one.
I wish I could.
Just singing about McCain.
Just singing about McCain.
What a glorious feeling.
I'm happy again.
Yeah, so you're nothing like McCain, Donald Trump.
Remember that.
Which I tell, I plug this every single time I hear anything remotely McCain come up.
But there is an amazing episode of The Dollop about John McCain.
I want to send it to this woman.
Check us out, this is your boy.
But it's one of the most entertaining hours of podcasting I've ever heard.
Just what a shitbag this guy is.
Oh, absolutely.
No, 100%.
Yeah.
He was not a perfect human, but admitted when he fell.
It's a very interesting line for notorious flight crasher John McCain.
Yeah, for notorious liar about crashing planes.
Okay, let's move on to the next topic.
That video had 77,000 views, by the way, and it's by Sandy and Richard Riccardi.
Or Richardi?
I don't know, there's two C's in there.
Okay.
This next topic is a post by Justin Tyler Vames who says, So last night we took over 600 people to the hashtag DoubleTreeColoradoSprings and paid over $50 a person.
They came in and shut down our traditions, treated us like crap, refused to leave food for guests in the bathroom or chatting, Which is not where that post ends, but I'm at a loss for words.
I don't get it.
What do they mean there?
They refuse to let us snack on the toilet!
Like, what he means is the staff at the Doubletree Colorado Springs wouldn't leave food at their table while they were currently in the bathroom?
But it just really sounds like they wouldn't bring them food directly into the bathroom.
That is one of the greatest feelings in the world is going to the restroom and coming back and having your food waiting for you when you get back.
Yeah, no, we've all seen Pulp Fiction.
But it's kind of different at like a banquet hall where they don't know where everybody's sitting and where, oh, maybe just somebody's not fucking sitting at this table.
Why would I bring, why would I put an extra plate of food when we have 600 people to serve?
Let me, let me finish this.
This event was a post-deployment ceremony.
Okay, no.
And then they left this sign on the bar.
So, cut to the photo that Justin Tyler Vames posted, which is a sign in, like, a standee placard on the bar at a Doubletree Inn.
I don't know what the honorific there is.
That says, no longer serving military personnel and their guests.
Yeah.
Um, it's really funny because yeah, it's in like an official little standing, you know, uh, frame where you would put like the happy hour menu or whatever, but it's just in all caps screed against the military and I think it's very funny.
This event was a post-deployment ceremony.
These men and women were being honored for serving our county, but I guess serving them at the Doubletree is too much!
Just so you know, we did not damage the building, and there was no reason to treat us this way!
Listen, that building was still standing, and they kicked us out!
Now had I removed a wall from the building, I would understand you not serving me anymore.
Listen, I know I'm not in my house.
I know I can't punch the wall when dinner gets cold.
P.S.
I totally understand that Doubletree has fired the two employees responsible for their thought-provoking decision to do this.
The way that that is put together is amazing, that sentence.
Yeah, it's like a weird insert of sarcasm, or yeah, just sort of acerbic language in an otherwise very flatly written piece.
This post had 20.1 thousand reacts.
Most of them angry.
I did my part and I did laugh react this post.
This is Facebook politics.
I wanted to heart react it.
Because that's how I genuinely felt about it.
But then you gotta look.
You gotta be strategic.
Gotta look at what the number of reacts is because Facebook displays the top three reacts.
You know, on this post it's angry, wow, and like.
Okay, you want to get that heart up there or that laugh up there.
You want to get one of them up there in the running.
You know, you want to see the laugh up there.
You want to see the heart up there.
So you got to go in and you got to be strategic about it.
You got to see which is higher and then you pick that one.
Voting should always be a strategic act.
It should never be an expression of idealism.
My idealistic response would have been the heart, but I went for the left because that was higher.
Well, your idealistic response would be not having to choose between the two.
Totally.
But you have to make that choice.
The choice between the lesser of two evil reacts.
And like, just to be clear, if you look at the sign, all the sign was saying was like... Bars closed.
Bars closed.
That's it.
But out of context, it's so funny.
Only hotel guests, you know?
It's so good.
Out of context, it's like, we hate the military!
They're no longer welcome at this hotel!
Yeah, I wish they were like, sorry, no baby killers here.
Thank you.
Why don't you drive your brand new Dodge Charger that you got for enlisting to the next hotel, buddy.
Yeah.
So funny yeah so uh there were um there was a news report about this and the people who supposedly the employees who put this sign up got the the official statement there was an official Facebook post from the which is just such a funny thing to say uh from the Doubletree Colorado Springs Hotel that said that those two employees were no longer working at that location
So you could either take that to mean they got transferred or they got fired and a lot of like the super mad people are just saying no they only got moved around like like pedophile priests.
Yep.
But if you really like look at this you know if you don't have a sort of bootlicking mentality about this The idea that 600 people descended on this Colorado Springs hotel is pretty crazy.
It's a big number of people.
And then if you go into the Yahoo comments section for this news report, which is normally just one of the most awful places in humanity, Every top comment for like 20 comments, like the first 20 comments are all, hey, I'm a veteran and I'll be the first to admit we get fucking insane when we drink.
Yep, this is likely a direct response to people being abusive to the staff.
And you, Tony, said you had some experience in serving our people who served.
Yeah, that was my first thought.
My first thought was like, you know, when a group of dudes, a group of, you know, jarheads come in, and they're getting rowdy, they get extra rowdy.
And that's what they're known for, and they know that.
It's because now they can't get that premium Afghanistan smack, so they're all on edge.
And the whole thing is like, I've always known that.
And so, you know, whenever there's a group of, you know, guys wearing extra smedium shirts with, uh, with, you know, high and tights and, uh, you know, large watches on.
American flag tattoos.
American flag tattoos.
Young, young whippersnappers, uh, be always new to, like, watch because there would always be a fight.
They would always be... I remember one, one guy just straight up and thought, he thought he was doing something cool.
Looked at me in the bar, bottle in hand, and he thought he was doing something badass and cool right now.
Looked at me in the eyes, says hoorah, and smashes his bottle on the floor and tells me thank you.
In his mind, he was like celebrating.
Dude, he was christening your bar.
Yeah, yeah.
This bar that's like one of the longest running bars in the area, like it does not need to be christened.
Yeah.
Hoorah!
Smashes a bottle and I was like, hey man, you gotta go.
He's like, I just got here.
That's my first beer.
I'm like, yeah, man.
What are you talking about?
I'm just warming up.
And I was just like, dude, these aren't fucking peanut shells.
Like you're not, that's a, that's a glass bottle.
I have to clean it up now.
And it was funny, he was like, no, I'll clean it up.
But no, you just have to leave.
Yeah, you don't get to clean it up.
As much as I would like to watch you clean it up.
Yeah, and he did make a fuss on the way out.
Yeah, it's like, this notoriously, and like everybody who's served and gone out and partied with their boys will say that about themselves.
You know?
And it's just, yeah.
And violent, you know?
Because like you think that... I feel like when you and I go places, I feel fairly confident just because we're both large capable people, but we're not like trained to kill.
Like, what if everybody you were with was, like, licensed to, like... Not only trained to kill, but born to kill.
But born, you know?
Like, my boy over here knows Krav Maga.
Like, what the fuck are you gonna do?
Don't get within sixteen paces of that guy.
They would just beat the shit out of people.
They would always win, which is, I mean, that's kind of good for them.
But, like, it sucked, because, like, you don't want to tell, like, the, you know, the fucking...
Regular Joe.
Hey, man, like just yeah, what you do is you do that?
They're gonna be she does you call the police and then they'll come and handle the situation swiftly and you know judiciously True true story awful true story about violence and an event and the police coming.
This is a this is an awful story That has no place on this podcast We had a guy of that And he... I don't know exactly what happened.
He was basically coming on to this woman.
And she was with her partner.
She was not into men.
And he was greatly offended by this because he wanted the attention.
And then he straight punched her in the face, repeatedly.
Broke her jaw.
They did call the cops.
Nothing happened.
Cool, man.
No charges were pressed.
Nothing is, like, on file.
Everything went away because they were like, and they were, from what I understand, they like straight up told people like, oh, he just, you know, he's going through a lot.
He just got back.
He's going through a lot.
Listen, he's seen war.
He just beat up a woman.
He's got a lot on his plate.
Yeah.
Like, yeah.
So yeah.
Cool stuff, man.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fucking the cops are real helpful.
I mean, listen, all he knows is hate crimes.
Give him a break.
Yeah, so that sucks.
That's fucking awful.
But yeah, what I imagine happened in this story was 600 military people descended on a hotel.
Got drunk at the open bar for 50 bucks.
Dinner and an open bar for 50 bucks.
Pretty good deal.
And a few of them probably went pretty wild, you know?
And the staff, having been abused to the point at least where they were getting harassed for not putting plates out for people to whom they didn't know existed.
You know?
Oh, no, no, no.
These are my two buddies.
They're out leaking and chatting.
But, you know, they need their food right now.
And they were just like, OK, we're done.
Bar's closed.
And they put up a sign that singled out the military, which is really funny.
And then they got fired for it, which is not funny, which sucks.
Or they got moved, or whatever.
Either way, it sucks.
Feller Smith says, but they want to sleep under the blanket of freedom that our troops provide dot dot.
Shaking my damn head.
The blanket of freedom.
Is this a housekeeping pun?
Is this a hotel pun?
Oh, I think it is, huh?
They won't provide our troops with blankets, and yet we blanket the Middle East with bombs every day.
For free!
There is no tighter tugged blanket than the blanket of freedom.
You think turning down the sheets is brave?
Try turning down the Shiites.
But I do just want to say thank you to all the hotel staff out there.
Thank you for your room service.
Thank you.
Unironically, thank you very much.
You are the real troops.
More importantly, thank you for respecting the sign.
When I say I want privacy, thank you for respecting the sign.
The hotel staff who does not disturb me is braver than any troop.
Yeah.
Sherry Schmall Jenkins says, maybe they no longer will fight and defend your freedom!
Or excuse me, fight and defend for your freedom.
And to which they say, awesome, cool.
I like the idea, though, of a troop out there, you know, in the thick of it, really making it clear, hey, this is for all of America, except for the Doubletree.
Listen, you guys can go ahead and do whatever you want to Doubletree, but you may not touch the rest of America.
Hey, we're on the honor system.
People at the Doubletree better not enjoy any freedoms.
Um, yeah.
I don't know, yeah.
Maybe they'll no longer invade Middle Eastern countries.
Or, uh, African countries.
How would you like that, DoubleTree?
It's like, oh no, oh no, maybe I should continue to disrespect the military forever.
All we had to do was stop serving, that's it?
I had to stop serving so you can stop serving?
Yeah, hey, fair's fair.
Tit for tat.
Yeah, you want you want them to have your six?
How about they get Motel 6 instead?
Adam Charles Maxwell in an amazing comment says, I will help you ruin the lives of those responsible when I have money.
Goddamn.
I know that feel.
You want to elaborate on that feel?
Oh, I always think of all the impact I'm gonna make and the things I care about once I have money.
Yeah, and it's just all spite.
It's just all spite-based.
Yeah.
God damn them forever into eternal hell.
Wait, are you gonna pay for their way in hell?
Are you gonna like...
You know how you can buy your way into heaven?
Can you, like, buy someone else's way into hell?
Well, you bankrupt them financially so that they can't buy their way into heaven.
Oh, okay.
Use your money to bankrupt them.
No, what you do is you just slip St.
Peter a Franco face and he says the club's full.
I don't see your name on the list, Doubletree.
I fucking love this.
Like, I will help you ruin the lives of those responsible when I have money.
Like, I'm poor, I have no money, I have no agency in this capitalist society, but the second I get back on my feet, I will spend it all in order to, I don't know, go to a different hotel?
No man, he's talking about hiring the guys from Dirty Jobs.
Dirty Work from Dirty Work.
Oh, okay.
Not Mike Rose Show from Dirty Work.
They're gonna plant rotting fish inside every Doubletree Hotel.
Yeah.
I just love this.
Somebody who doesn't have money, their American dream is to get enough money so that they can ruin somebody else's life.
It's just so sad and so funny at the same time.
So help me, if I am ever able to walk again, my first steps will be directly on the throats of my enemies at Doubletree Hotel.
I'm gonna go to physical therapy just so I can, like, grab a Doubletree Hotel employee and shake him.
Well, you better watch out, because if I can walk, that means I can kick.
Like, and one thing that I kind of noticed about the contrarian responses on the Yahoo News article, you know, the whole like, hey, listen, I'm a vet and we're fucking crazy responses.
Was that it was like this perfect sort of, not trifecta, but this perfect convergence of two laws of comment sections.
The first law being the law of contrarianism.
You know, depending on how an article is written, it will generate a purely contrarian response in the comment section.
And also a lot of just general capitalism and I feel like that really informed like a lot of like people who actually served in the military and people who are actual veterans or at least they claim to be.
Having more of a loyalty to capitalism and the idea of a business having a set of rights and the right to refuse service to anybody superseding The honor of the military.
I thought that was really interesting because the comments were just like, no, if you're being bad, like a business has the right to, you know, refuse service or whatever.
I'm not saying like staff shouldn't be able to, uh, Yeah, that is weird.
somebody who's harassing them or whatever.
But this was definitely through the lens of like, no, DoubleTree is a private business and they have the right to refuse service to anybody.
And I thought that that was interesting that that superseded the troops, even among the troops. - Yeah, that is weird.
Well, I think that they envy it because like, once they got to a certain point, they could not refuse service.
Totally.
They had to serve.
You're following orders when instead, you know, these small business owners get to give them.
Dick says, "...no longer employed at the property." So this is referring to like the official Facebook response of Doubletree Hotels that the employees in question were no longer employed at that location.
Guess that means they were moved elsewhere, not fired.
Oh well.
I'm retired U.S.
Air Force.
Have kids retired and active U.S.
Air Force.
Parentheses, or I, parentheses, and they will no longer have anything to do with Hilton.
Our extended family of over 200 people have been alerted.
What the fuck?
They're just talking about their Facebook friends, right?
I guarantee none of us will spend a single penny at Hilton or subsidiary.
Take that to the bank.
I love this chain email that went out.
ATTENTION!
MEN AND WOMEN OF THE DICK FAMILY!
YOUR NEW ORDERS ARE AS FOLLOWS!
DO NOT STAY AT HILTON HOTELS OR THEIR SUBSIDIARIES!
DO NOT ENJOY THE COMPLIMENTARY BAGEL STATION!
I know we were already boycotting Hilton because Tucker Carlson called the Hilton twins white whores, but excuse the redundancy.
We will destroy their pocketbooks with extreme prejudice.
Even if you have 200 people in your extended family, that's still maybe two trips that aren't going to be booked.
Yeah, we're just going to go to different hotels.
That's what it is.
Yeah, I guess.
That's the whole plan right here, right?
Do you even know what the Hilton Group owns?
Does Dick?
I don't think so.
And I bet trans people aren't allowed to serve in the Dick Army either.
No.
Also, I really love that Dick's name is just Dick and then their username is a lowercase d.
Uh, yeah.
I don't know.
I love him putting out like orders, marching orders to his extended family of 200 servicemen and women who are no longer to, you know, uh, patronize the Doubletree Hotel.
Yeah.
You're going to really, it's going to, I don't know about you, but I sold all my Hilton stocks right away when I realized he put that out there.
That's 200 people, bro.
That's a lot of people.
JB says, that's so fucked off.
What a goddamn square.
That's right.
You said it right.
That's so fucked off.
I can think the double tree should be shut down.
How can you treat military personnel like that in a military town?
I say, deport all the people responsible.
Just extradite them to a black site somewhere.
To where?
Guantanamo, bro.
Gitmo for all them.
If you can't support our military, parentheses, who at any moment can be called up to deploy for their country, including the fuckheads responsible for that note, then get the fuck out of America.
I think the owner of the hotel chain owes not only that particular group of people, but the entire U.S.
military an apology.
Like, I love just, you know, this is obviously like, you know, right-wing people worshiping the military who, um, are so quick to say, you know, on the right, hey, I never owned slaves.
Hey, I never raped a woman, even though, you know, maybe they did or whatever, but like, why, why should all men made be made to be the, the, uh, perpetrators or whatever?
But also, Doubletree Inn has to apologize to the entire U.S.
military for closing an open bar.
Yeah.
They weren't even around.
No way they could even be by.
JB says, never forget, if it wasn't for our troops, like, JB isn't even a troop and he's demanding an apology to all troops on behalf or, you know, from the Doubletree Inn.
Never forget.
It's called being selfless, Alex.
You wouldn't understand.
This isn't about JB.
I don't understand because corporations are people and so they are self.
They can't be selfless.
Never forget, if it wasn't for our troops and the shit they deal with daily, we wouldn't have all the luxuries like giant overpriced hotel chains.
So, like, you're criticizing the giant overpriced hotel chain that only exists because of US imperialism.
Maybe rethink, like, how good that is?
Yeah, yeah.
Makes me sick.
Get the fuck out of the USA.
The double trees, like actually the USA is a very small, small section of our entire company.
We have double trees around the world.
I mean, yeah, it's just funny.
It reminds me strongly of that comment we had from that Obama supporter who was like, hey, yeah, sure, he killed innocent people overseas with drone strikes, but hey, sometimes innocent people have to die so you get to drive a car.
Yeah, yeah.
The tradeoff is totally worth it.
Like, hey, you know, you know why our troops are in fucking North Africa right now?
It's so you can enjoy the luxury of staying at a Doubletree Inn.
It's like, okay, like, I'll give that up.
Like, I'll, you know, I'll abstain from Doubletree if it means we aren't killing civilians.
Well, I don't know if you know this, but, um, the original, like, combustion engine was actually designed to run off the blood of our enemies.
So we're gonna need that later on.
I mean, you say that- When we're out of gas.
You say that as a joke, but I mean, like, technically, like, prehistoric animals like dinosaurs and, uh, you know, large cats, uh, who have become fossil fuels would have been our enemies, so you're not wrong.
Dude, some fuckin' Annoying ass person was like, oh you drive a car because you know, uh, gasoline is uh, not vegan It's uh made from dinosaurs.
Oh, well, I can't argue that I mean tech there's I was like, you know, it's not vegan your mom I mean, technically, like, there's a lot of plant matter, uh, in fossil fuels as well, so it's like more of an omnivorous diet.
Yeah, yeah.
Josh Skills Chinsang says, fuck them.
Sounds like they need a good ol' jarhead ass whoopin'.
Oorah!
See, that's, that's, that Josh was, Josh threw a bottle on the ground as you said that.
For sure.
Yeah, oorah is the sound of your bar privileges being taken away.
Yeah.
And a jarhead ass whooping is a special ass whooping.
I should say that this story was brought to my attention by Joy in the Street Fighters Facebook group, so thank you very much, Joy, for providing us with this great content.
And somebody else, there was in the news article about this post, somebody else tried to claim that this also happened in Texas.
Like, they took the same photo and did an additional post that said it happened in Texas as well.
That's stupid.
We all know that would never happen in Texas.
But I couldn't find that post.
I think they deleted it.
Okay, final topic of the night comes from Justin Lee, courtesy of the Minion Death Commandos Facebook page.
So thank you so much, Justin.
Justin leaves this post with the caption, 32 simple stream of consciousness rules for being my son!
Which I think might be the title of this episode.
Yeah.
Thank you so much, Justin.
This post had 10,000 likes, 18,000 shares, so you know it's dumb.
It's the only way a post on Facebook gets this much interaction.
It's incredible.
We should say what the photo is accompanying this post.
The photo is like a statue or like an art installation of, you know, an adult human figure holding hands with like, you know, what's supposed to be their child or a smaller human figure.
And the adult human figure Was comprised of like negative space like negative circles or cylinders that had been sort of removed from the human figure so it looked like a cheese grater.
Yeah.
And it was like core samples.
Yeah, and the smaller that the human child was comprised of those core samples of The you know the cylinders that had been taken out of the adult man Which I feel like just you know informs the entire post Informs the state of mind of this post It goes Rules for sons!
Parentheses, all my kids.
Just all my kids happen to be sons.
This is for them.
And we're not going to go over every number because, like the title says, there's 32 of them.
But I have some selections here that are amazing.
Number one.
Never shake a man's hand sitting down.
Just an odd rule.
Yeah, also what, I don't know, what scenario are you in anyways where you're, if you're sitting down and someone's trying to shake your hand, like, you're probably in, just chill.
I don't know.
I can't think of a scenario where I would have to stand up.
Well, you haven't been in a lot of business meetings, you know, where you're, like, sitting at a conference table and, you know, your boss approaches you and then you have to get up and, like, you know, pull your pants down.
I don't mean pull your pants down, but, like, uncrease your pants as you get up and, like, flatten your tie first and then you shake their hand, you know.
That's what he's talking about.
And it sounds like a manners thing, you know, like, always stand up when a woman enters the room.
Always stand up when you shake a penis's hand.
But I don't think it is.
I think it's more of just like, no, if you're sitting down and a guy is standing over you shaking your hand, like, they're the dominant one.
Like, you need to get up.
You need to get up and show that you're also a very, very fit 5'11".
Don't yield.
Yeah.
Number three.
The man at the barbecue grill is the closest thing to a king.
Which, I mean, I don't know why we would want a king.
Uh, isn't that what America's built on?
Is not having kings?
Also, like, I mean, you know, like it or not, there are still literal kings out there.
Like, like this post would make more sense if it was the man at the barbecue is the closest thing to a god.
Like, cause, you know, who knows whether that exists, but like, we actually have kings, like they're still around.
They're very real.
Uh, four.
In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
Like, what side are you on?
I mean, actually, because, you know, I'm a salesman.
I'm trying to get that motherfucking money.
I think this is supposed to be never take the first offer.
Because... No, it's supposed to be never make the first offer.
Well, if everyone followed this rule, it would just be two businessmen sitting in silence, staring at each other, shaking their hands.
No, the alpha always gets what they need and the beta always yields and says something.
They can't help it.
I just picture a scenario where you're trying to avoid making the first offer and the person's like, well, what do you want?
How much do you want for this?
And then you're like, cleverly, dominantly, you reply, how much do you want for this?
It just goes back and forth for like an hour.
Because both people are alphas, you know?
Well, that's why I always play the Price is Right game, and when I'm buying something, they're like, well, how much do you want to pay for this?
And I'm always like, one dollar, Bob.
Yeah, or you would say a dollar more than you're willing to give it to me for.
And they're like, fuck, you got me.
Ah, shit.
Five.
Request the late checkout.
Now, see, this one I actually like.
This one I actually love.
I think this is a good rule to know.
You know, it's a good piece of advice, not a rule.
But yeah, request late checkout.
It's like, typically, there's no charge for it, you know?
And you get to take your time in the morning.
So yeah, I back this one.
I guess it doesn't seem like a life hack.
It's just like, yeah, leave later from the hotel.
I don't know.
Maybe other people who don't frequent the Doubletree Inn, like I do, don't know that you can request a late checkout, but that's always a thing.
Well, at the Doubletree, I don't have to request it.
They just know.
Because you're not a veteran, so they give you the privilege.
Seven.
Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
Which I think is funny because it's like aren't you already doing that by making him your hero?
Like I don't understand the logic to this one.
I don't even think this person applies that actual... because I mean what that would mean is you're gonna have a lot less heroes because you're gonna be critical of them.
You know, it's like I haven't listened to Drake in like three months.
Yeah, because he's not your hero anymore.
He's not my hero anymore, so I had to hold him.
So then why do you have to hold him to a higher standard if he's not your hero anymore?
Well, he's still my hero.
That's why I continue to hold him to a higher standard.
That's a little embarrassing.
Well, you don't understand.
You've never seen another person, another light-skinned person that will touch power.
Alright.
I'll stay in my lane here and say that Drake is indeed a hero.
Eleven, my favorite.
Don't let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
Like, it sounds like, don't be optimistic, but it's just saying, like, don't break your back?
Yeah, um... Don't be soft?
It's very funny, like, it's just, it's just nonsense pablum.
It's, it's just like, uh, a turn of phrase that means fucking nothing.
Like, don't give up your bow tie for tie bow.
Like, it just means nothing.
It's just like... Except for, I think, I think if this, uh, This metaphor would be the opposite.
It would be, don't give up your tie bow for a bow tie.
But yeah.
Don't let something quiz-ical grow where your test-ical should be.
There it is.
Just nonsense.
Don't let a red bone go where your bone head should be.
That's a racist one.
Yeah, that was, yeah.
Twelve.
If you need music on the beach, you're missing the point.
And what is that point exactly?
I don't, like, this is like the anti-Anakin Skywalker sentiment where just sand is good enough.
What's not to like about sand?
Also, you can't listen to music while you're getting pitted.
Yeah, you can, man.
Get those waterproof AirPods.
I don't think it's about the AirPods.
I think it's about the, you know, I gotta listen to the whoop-pah!
And the pshh!
And like the... Yeah, how can anybody hear your so pitted monologue if they're listening to music?
Like, Newport Jazz Festival, that shit's gay, bro.
Just enjoy the beach.
Why do you need that?
Yeah, um, 13.
This one is extremely bewildering.
Carry two handkerchiefs.
The one in your back pocket is for you.
The one in your breast pocket is for her.
I'm sorry, Alex.
You said it was bewildering?
Okay, where's your back pocket?
Well, I have this for you.
Where's the one in your back pocket?
Don't do me like that.
I pulled the one out of my breast pocket for you.
The one in my back pocket has already been soiled and I cannot bring it out.
That is part of the other rule.
It's the rare one-use handkerchief.
Don't carry a handkerchief in general.
Carry two!
This is the worst advice I've ever heard.
Who has that much pocket space?
Don't use... I guess you... Yeah, that's so stupid.
Don't use this... Milady, don't use this... This handkerchief in my back pocket.
That one's for my ass.
That one's for me-ass.
Like...
Yeah.
I don't know, man.
This is bizarre advice.
This advice comes from like a business win, you know, social media marketing guy.
So it's just like he ran out of shit and he was like, I don't know, handkerchiefs for ladies.
This one, this one is like, this guy just yearns for the time of Don Draper.
Yeah, totally.
You know?
Yeah, I don't know.
Two handkerchiefs.
Like, why can't your girl use your handkerchief?
Like, if you're subscribing to the idea that a handkerchief could be used more than once, why is it somehow improper to let your partner use the same handkerchief?
Well, it's even more bizarre.
Like, are you just carrying this for just random women?
Like, Can multiple women use the same handkerchief in one day?
Or maybe that's the goal.
Maybe you're some kind of freak.
This is like when he says the handkerchief in your breast pocket is for her.
He means so that he can like wipe down his CrossFit sweat before he hugs her.
I don't know.
It's for her.
I don't know.
15.
Be like a duck.
Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
Yep.
And so yeah, this is great advice for your son.
Don't express or otherwise relay any of your troubles or your concerns to anyone.
Just maintain a calm, smooth surface until you, you know, lash out and shoot up your workplace.
Or until you take your own life in a fit of grief and mental illness.
This is amazing advice to give to your son.
Be like a duck.
Twist your penis into a corkscrew shape.
Be like a duck.
Do cloacal stuff.
19.
19 a sport coat is worth 1000 words what the fuck kind of sports coat are you wearing when people say anything about it let alone 1000 words - Yes.
Don't let a humanities coat grow where your sports coat should be.
This is such absurd nonsense.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe, I would almost give it to him if it was like a suit is worth a thousand words.
I could almost give him that, you know?
No, he's definitely talking about a sport coat over an Armani shirt or something, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
Or like a deep, deep V. I know you want to wear jeans, but also let's sport a coat on too, you know?
21.
Thank a veteran, then make it up to him.
Just pull his dick out right there.
Make it up to him.
I know there's a constitutional amendment specifically forbidding housing and quartering a soldier in your home.
But hey, if the Devil Tree Inn won't let him stay, make it up to him.
23.
Last one.
After writing an angry email, read it carefully, then delete it.
That almost negates all the other ones that are like, be tough.
Well, what happened to your backbone?
Yeah, there were a lot of ones.
To become a backspace?
Oh, yeah.
Don't let a word replace.
Replace your spine.
Yeah.
Oh God.
Yeah.
Um, yeah.
After writing an angry email, read it carefully and then delete it.
Like why, why even have that middle step?
It seems like a waste of time.
It's, it seems like it's only there for- Just think about it.
Just, just think it out.
Climactic reasons for this rule.
I know there's like a therapy thing where you can write letters to somebody who's hurt you or something, and you throw it away.
But yeah, write an angry email and delete it.
I thought the therapy thing was you write angry letters to those who have wronged you, and then you just send them anonymously.
Oh, I like that.
You know, insert all kinds of threats.
It's very healthy to do that.
Yeah, write an angry email, then delete it, which I've learned something from.
We will be doing that for this podcast episode.
This is a very angry podcast episode, and now that we have finished it, I'm going to listen to it carefully and then delete it.
So if you are somehow listening to this episode, kudos to you, because it has been deleted per rule 23 of 32 rules for dating my son, or whatever.
Yeah, that's it for the episode, right Tony?
Anything else to add to these rules?
Do you have any rules you want to add?
Also, I just want to say, you know, raise your daughters like you would raise your sons and just apply these same exact rules.
Yeah, apply the same sort of like emotional abuse you would to your son to your daughter.
Yeah.
But because, you know, women have to work twice as hard, she will have to carry four handkerchiefs.
Okay, if you want to write to the show, tell us about all the problematic things we said, anything we got wrong, or share your personal Facebook feeds with us.
We'd love to hear it.
MinionDeathCult at gmail.com.
Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook at MinionDeathCult.
And join the Facebook group, Minion Death Commandos.
You gotta answer those questions.
Just so I know you're not a spammer or something.
Because you'd be surprised at how many random people try to join a Facebook page.
A Facebook group that they're clearly not interested in.
So join that.
Share your personal stuff there.
We have a lot of fun in that group.
Thank you to everybody who has rated and reviewed the show on iTunes.
It takes like five seconds.
Just do, you know, five stars or whatever and say it's a good show.
We would really appreciate that.
You can support us financially.
Help us continue doing this show ad-free.
Patreon.com slash MinionDeathCult.
P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash MinionDeathCult, where there's an archive of like 40 or so bonus episodes.
Same format, same length, that are not available to the general public.
And there's some wild stuff in there.
Help us keep putting this stuff out.
And I believe that's it, right, Tony?
Yeah, yeah.
Good stuff.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks, everybody.
Thanks, Finn.
Thanks so much for listening.
Bye.
Bye.
You're the height of vanity.
Just look how your hair is styled.
He's a decorated hero.
You ate paint chips as a child.
He opposed my man Obama, but remained a gentleman.
Who are you not?
Where to begin?
While McCain was serving his country in Congress for over 30 years and 23 years before that in the Navy, you were ripping off contractors, evading taxes, filing for Chapter 11 four times, worshipping foreign dictators, and eating cheeseburgers with extra gravy.
You are nothing like McCain.
Nothing in the world There is nothing you can claim that is anything like McCain.
Of the world you are the vain, and we are ashamed.
There is nothing you can claim that is anything like McCain.
There is absolutely nothing you can claim like McCain.
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