Listen to this and every premium episode for $3/month at Patreon.com/miniondeathcult This week the cult does its own sensitivity training to address problematic behavior, and we're joined by Patrick Boswell, a Starbucks barista who actually attended the company's racial sensitivity training session on Tuesday Filled with such woke-isms as "Be Color Brave," and "Look POC in the eyes," Patrick shares some of the training materials with us, as well as his experience in the program. Also: Roseanne gets fires for continuing to be super racist, and the internet does not take it well.
So not many people are aware that when we're not doing this podcast we are making and selling coffee downstairs.
MDC coffee.
Millions of dead cups of coffee.
Since Starbucks closed yesterday for racial sensitivity training and there's You know, they closed based on problematic instances at Starbucks.
Well, there's no shortage of problematic comments being made within these walls.
So we figured we'd follow Starbucks' lead and close down this shop for some training.
To lay down some operational guidelines for MDC Coffee.
Since, let's be honest, it's mostly Mountain Matt and myself being problematic, Tony here is going to be the one conducting this session.
Is there any more coffee?
There's no more coffee?
No, we had to stop making it to make you less of a bastard.
You fucks.
Alright, so let's get down to it.
Thanks for being here guys.
Let's get right into this.
Both of you, just to get it out of the way, both of you please do not refer to yourselves as sheep who are black.
First off, it's just real confusing.
Alright, but if I say I'm a black sheep, they might think I'm part of a Christian biker gang or something.
I do not want to be associated with those ruffians.
Okay, don't worry Alex.
As everyone knows, our particular shop is actually a Brothers of the Sun shop, so you're safe here.
Just moving on... Are we the sheep that are not black?
No, you're just going to be Matt and Alex.
That's what we're going to work on for now.
You're just going to be Matt and Alex.
Just the apron rule.
Just the nametag rule, alright.
Matt, I need you to stop accusing African-American patrons of casing the joint?
No, it's actually casing the joint!
That's how he says it.
He does say it like an old-timey detective.
Listen, don't even worry about it.
They're just looking for the cream.
They are always looking for the cream.
Okay, there's almond milk, but there's also cream.
I know that you think they can't handle the cream, but they actually can process small amounts of dairy.
Oh yeah, that's right.
I can't do it, you know?
But, like, all I gotta say is C-R-E-A-M.
Cream get the money.
Dollar dollar bill, y'all.
I think that they should, uh, Starbucks should keep all the Wu-Tang in the same section of every store so, like, we're not confused as employees, like, as to what the patrons are doing in there, you know?
Also, Alex, uh, flushing the toilet is not theft.
Uh, do they pay the water bill?
Motherfucker, do you?
With my tax dollars, I do!
Okay, okay, maybe.
We get like 500 million subscribers every year.
That's what I'm saying.
Also, both of you, I can't stress this enough, I know you're technically baristas, but you are not allowed to refer to yourself as proud b- proud B-E-A-N-E-R-S-es.
What if I put a soft A at the end?
Like, like, Proud B?
Nope.
Like, like, rhyme it with Gina.
Proud Gina.
Like, uh, incidentally, the name of my favorite CIA director.
Gina Haspel.
Queen.
Moving on, please do not tell black patrons that you want to Underground Railroad them away from the Democratic Plantation.
I know you guys are thinking you're on some weird woke shit, but I don't even know what the fuck that means.
It's just, it's bad.
It's just not good.
It feels good every time I say it, though.
I say it a lot, and I've got a good rapport with every customer that comes in.
If you guys really need to do that, join the Brothers and Sisters Club.
Oh, so then I get to say brother if I join that club?
As long as he's your little brother, yeah.
Absolutely, go for it.
But you better fuckin' show up.
You better show up.
You better not quit on that kid.
Um, and, as a final part of your training, I need you guys to read, um, a Ta-Nehisi Coates essay.
I am the black guy who can't say Ta-Nehisi Coates.
Uh, get that one on there.
Um, The First White President.
Tight.
New essay, The First White President.
I love George Washington.
Uh, my favorite First White President.
So good.
Did you, um, his fuckin' teeth?
Oh, yeah.
Not all wooden.
Yep, yep.
We all know that.
We all know about the teeth.
He literally extracted some slaves' teeth and put them in his mouth.
And that, to me, is a sign of, like, solidarity?
Like, in a way.
You know what I mean?
That's like woke.
Like, his mind was open, his mouth was open.
There were stolen teeth going into it.
It's like, you know, it's like we're all one inside George Washington's mouth.
Or body.
Okay, guys.
Anyways... It's beautiful.
Like, when the mouth shuts, you can't see color.
It's okay.
Okay, you... Alright, you motherfucker.
That's two essays now.
You have to read two essays.
The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today.
So stay tuned, we're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned guys, we'll show you exactly what it looks like when we destroy the desert.
Follow their environmental stats.
Stay tuned.
Okay, I'm Alexander Edward.
I'm Mountain Matt.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
And we are Minion Death Cult.
Come on!
Oh, yeah.
The world is ending.
I don't know.
Everybody's responsible this week.
We're documenting it.
First of all, we have a guest here.
First time on the show.
Patrick.
Patrick Boswell.
How you doing, buddy?
Pretty good.
Patrick Boswell, a.k.a.
Shao Fist.
What's up?
Foreign native, Starbucks employee.
Nice to be here with you guys.
Yeah, thank you for joining us.
Direct relation to co-host Tony Boswell, younger brother.
Better looking.
Facts.
Young God is a handsome, handsome young man.
It drives me crazy.
So the reason we brought you on here, I mean it's great to have you either way, but the reason we brought you on here is because specifically, like you said, you work for Starbucks.
And as we all know, I'm sure, Starbucks is now woke.
They're now like really good.
And the way you be really good is you constantly try to do better.
You acknowledge that you're not great.
That's how you be good, is you acknowledge you're not great.
And so you strive for that greatness.
And so in doing so, they closed 8,000 stores for racial sensitivity training.
I'm not sure if that's the official title of the That was the term that they used.
That's not cool to say, dude.
Sounds like some soy boy shit.
Yeah, you need to chill off that.
Call it, like, man up training.
We're going to go over your specific, your, Patrick, specific experience inside of this, this racial indoctrination camp.
Good lord.
It's a very good term to use for it.
It was a very interesting experience to step into.
They wanted to get real serious.
They wanted you to get close with people that you don't work with as often.
The intentions were good, but the execution was done poorly.
How so?
Basically, you walk in, your names are on a table, you're in a group of four or five people.
All aligned based on race?
Good lord.
We were talking about that and we kind of noticed that there was at least one white person in every group.
So they did assign you?
I don't know if they did that purposely or randomly, but there was one white person to every group.
See, that's good.
I like that because the left talks a lot about the redistribution of income and the equal distribution of income, and it's good that we're trying to also equally distribute the racism.
