Minion Death Cult - 46 - Roseanne Sensitivity Training (preview)
Aired: 2018-05-31
Duration: 08:33


=== Training Closures & Coffee Complaints (07:38) ===

[00:00:00]  So not many people are aware that when we're not doing this podcast we are making and selling coffee downstairs.
[00:00:08]  MDC coffee.
[00:00:09]  Millions of dead cups of coffee.
[00:00:13]  Since Starbucks closed yesterday for racial sensitivity training and there's You know, they closed based on problematic instances at Starbucks.
[00:00:22]  Well, there's no shortage of problematic comments being made within these walls.
[00:00:27]  So we figured we'd follow Starbucks' lead and close down this shop for some training.
[00:00:34]  To lay down some operational guidelines for MDC Coffee.
[00:00:39]  Since, let's be honest, it's mostly Mountain Matt and myself being problematic, Tony here is going to be the one conducting this session.
[00:00:48]  Is there any more coffee?
[00:00:49]  There's no more coffee?
[00:00:50]  No, we had to stop making it to make you less of a bastard.
[00:00:54]  You fucks.
[00:00:55]  Alright, so let's get down to it.
[00:00:58]  Thanks for being here guys.
[00:00:59]  Let's get right into this.
[00:01:01]  Both of you, just to get it out of the way, both of you please do not refer to yourselves as sheep who are black.
[00:01:09]  First off, it's just real confusing.
[00:01:12]  Alright, but if I say I'm a black sheep, they might think I'm part of a Christian biker gang or something.
[00:01:17]  I do not want to be associated with those ruffians.
[00:01:20]  Okay, don't worry Alex.
[00:01:22]  As everyone knows, our particular shop is actually a Brothers of the Sun shop, so you're safe here.
[00:01:30]  Just moving on... Are we the sheep that are not black?
[00:01:32]  No, you're just going to be Matt and Alex.
[00:01:35]  That's what we're going to work on for now.
[00:01:36]  You're just going to be Matt and Alex.
[00:01:38]  Just the apron rule.
[00:01:39]  Just the nametag rule, alright.
[00:01:41]  Matt, I need you to stop accusing African-American patrons of casing the joint?
[00:01:47]  No, it's actually casing the joint!
[00:01:50]  That's how he says it.
[00:01:51]  He does say it like an old-timey detective.
[00:01:56]  Listen, don't even worry about it.
[00:01:57]  They're just looking for the cream.
[00:01:58]  They are always looking for the cream.
[00:02:01]  Okay, there's almond milk, but there's also cream.
[00:02:04]  I know that you think they can't handle the cream, but they actually can process small amounts of dairy.
[00:02:11]  Oh yeah, that's right.
[00:02:12]  I can't do it, you know?
[00:02:13]  But, like, all I gotta say is C-R-E-A-M.
[00:02:17]  Cream get the money.
[00:02:18]  Dollar dollar bill, y'all.
[00:02:20]  I think that they should, uh, Starbucks should keep all the Wu-Tang in the same section of every store so, like, we're not confused as employees, like, as to what the patrons are doing in there, you know?
[00:02:32]  Also, Alex, uh, flushing the toilet is not theft.
[00:02:38]  Uh, do they pay the water bill?
[00:02:40]  Motherfucker, do you?
[00:02:42]  With my tax dollars, I do!
[00:02:44]  Okay, okay, maybe.
[00:02:45]  We get like 500 million subscribers every year.
[00:02:48]  That's what I'm saying.
[00:02:51]  Also, both of you, I can't stress this enough, I know you're technically baristas, but you are not allowed to refer to yourself as proud b- proud B-E-A-N-E-R-S-es.
[00:03:08]  What if I put a soft A at the end?
[00:03:10]  Like, like, Proud B?
[00:03:11]  Nope.
[00:03:14]  Like, like, rhyme it with Gina.
[00:03:16]  Proud Gina.
[00:03:18]  Like, uh, incidentally, the name of my favorite CIA director.
[00:03:21]  Gina Haspel.
[00:03:22]  Queen.
[00:03:23]  Moving on, please do not tell black patrons that you want to Underground Railroad them away from the Democratic Plantation.
[00:03:31]  I know you guys are thinking you're on some weird woke shit, but I don't even know what the fuck that means.
[00:03:37]  It's just, it's bad.
[00:03:38]  It's just not good.
[00:03:40]  It feels good every time I say it, though.
[00:03:43]  I say it a lot, and I've got a good rapport with every customer that comes in.
[00:03:48]  If you guys really need to do that, join the Brothers and Sisters Club.
[00:03:53]  Oh, so then I get to say brother if I join that club?
[00:03:57]  As long as he's your little brother, yeah.
[00:03:59]  Absolutely, go for it.
[00:04:00]  But you better fuckin' show up.
[00:04:01]  You better show up.
[00:04:02]  You better not quit on that kid.
[00:04:04]  Um, and, as a final part of your training, I need you guys to read, um, a Ta-Nehisi Coates essay.
[00:04:11]  I am the black guy who can't say Ta-Nehisi Coates.
[00:04:13]  Uh, get that one on there.
[00:04:16]  Um, The First White President.
[00:04:18]  Tight.
[00:04:18]  New essay, The First White President.
[00:04:20]  I love George Washington.
[00:04:22]  Uh, my favorite First White President.
[00:04:27]  So good.
[00:04:27]  Did you, um, his fuckin' teeth?
[00:04:31]  Oh, yeah.
[00:04:32]  Not all wooden.
[00:04:33]  Yep, yep.
[00:04:34]  We all know that.
[00:04:35]  We all know about the teeth.
[00:04:36]  He literally extracted some slaves' teeth and put them in his mouth.
[00:04:41]  And that, to me, is a sign of, like, solidarity?
[00:04:44]  Like, in a way.
[00:04:45]  You know what I mean?
[00:04:46]  That's like woke.
[00:04:48]  Like, his mind was open, his mouth was open.
[00:04:51]  There were stolen teeth going into it.
[00:04:54]  It's like, you know, it's like we're all one inside George Washington's mouth.
[00:04:58]  Or body.
[00:05:00]  Okay, guys.
[00:05:02]  Anyways... It's beautiful.
[00:05:04]  Like, when the mouth shuts, you can't see color.
[00:05:07]  It's okay.
[00:05:08]  Okay, you... Alright, you motherfucker.
[00:05:10]  That's two essays now.
[00:05:11]  You have to read two essays.
[00:05:14]  The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today.
[00:05:24]  So stay tuned, we're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
[00:05:31]  It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
[00:05:33]  Stay tuned guys, we'll show you exactly what it looks like when we destroy the desert.
[00:05:42]  Follow their environmental stats.
[00:05:44]  Stay tuned.
[00:05:45]  Okay, I'm Alexander Edward.
[00:05:47]  I'm Mountain Matt.
[00:05:48]  And I'm Tony Boswell.
[00:05:49]  And we are Minion Death Cult.
[00:05:51]  Come on!
[00:05:52]  Oh, yeah.
[00:05:54]  The world is ending.
[00:05:54]  I don't know.
[00:05:56]  Everybody's responsible this week.
[00:05:58]  We're documenting it.
[00:06:00]  First of all, we have a guest here.
[00:06:01]  First time on the show.
[00:06:03]  Patrick.
[00:06:03]  Patrick Boswell.
[00:06:05]  How you doing, buddy?
[00:06:06]  Pretty good.
[00:06:06]  Patrick Boswell, a.k.a.
[00:06:08]  Shao Fist.
[00:06:09]  What's up?
[00:06:09]  Foreign native, Starbucks employee.
[00:06:13]  Nice to be here with you guys.
[00:06:14]  Yeah, thank you for joining us.
[00:06:16]  Direct relation to co-host Tony Boswell, younger brother.
[00:06:22]  Better looking.
[00:06:23]  Facts.
[00:06:23]  Young God is a handsome, handsome young man.
[00:06:25]  It drives me crazy.
[00:06:28]  So the reason we brought you on here, I mean it's great to have you either way, but the reason we brought you on here is because specifically, like you said, you work for Starbucks.
[00:06:38]  And as we all know, I'm sure, Starbucks is now woke.
[00:06:43]  They're now like really good.
[00:06:45]  And the way you be really good is you constantly try to do better.
[00:06:50]  You acknowledge that you're not great.
[00:06:52]  That's how you be good, is you acknowledge you're not great.
[00:06:54]  And so you strive for that greatness.
[00:06:56]  And so in doing so, they closed 8,000 stores for racial sensitivity training.
[00:07:03]  I'm not sure if that's the official title of the That was the term that they used.
[00:07:08]  That's not cool to say, dude.
[00:07:10]  Sounds like some soy boy shit.
[00:07:11]  Yeah, you need to chill off that.
[00:07:14]  Call it, like, man up training.
[00:07:17]  We're going to go over your specific, your, Patrick, specific experience inside of this, this racial indoctrination camp.

=== One White Person Per Group (01:09) ===

[00:07:28]  Good lord.
[00:07:29]  It's a very good term to use for it.
[00:07:30]  It was a very interesting experience to step into.
[00:07:36]  They wanted to get real serious.
[00:07:39]  They wanted you to get close with people that you don't work with as often.
[00:07:45]  The intentions were good, but the execution was done poorly.
[00:07:49]  How so?
[00:07:53]  Basically, you walk in, your names are on a table, you're in a group of four or five people.
[00:07:59]  All aligned based on race?
[00:08:03]  Good lord.
[00:08:04]  We were talking about that and we kind of noticed that there was at least one white person in every group.
[00:08:12]  So they did assign you?
[00:08:13]  I don't know if they did that purposely or randomly, but there was one white person to every group.
[00:08:20]  See, that's good.
[00:08:20]  I like that because the left talks a lot about the redistribution of income and the equal distribution of income, and it's good that we're trying to also equally distribute the racism.