All Episodes
Previous Next
April 12, 2018 - Minion Death Cult
01:06:19
31 - Civil Wartime

This week the Cult takes on the FBI's raid against Michael Cohen, Trump's longtime lawyer and bribe-doer. We find a wide range of interesting responses, including: "Lets get all our lawyers together and fire Mueller." "If Mueller were after Mother Teresa, even Mother Teresa would be in trouble." "Let's start a revolution in support of President Trump." Look for a bonus episode on Facebook congressional testimony coming out tomorrow!

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
The liberals are destroying California, and conservative humor gone awry... Conservative humor gone awry is going to fascistphonia today.
So stay tuned, we're going to take a few pictures of the desert and how their policies are actually messing it up.
It's not beautiful when you go across that border.
Stay tuned guys, we'll show you exactly what it looks like when people go to the desert.
Follow their environmental stuff.
Stay tuned.
Alright, I'm Alexander Edward.
I'm Mountain Matt.
And I'm Tony Boswell.
And we are Minion Death Cult.
The world is ending.
Diamond and Silk, those dangerous ladies, are responsible.
We're documenting it.
Those commodities.
That's one way to describe them, definitely.
They're weird, too.
So today we are talking about two issues very close to the heart of the cult.
First of all, we're talking about the FBI raid on Michael Cohen.
Trump's Best and closest lawyer's office and home, which is just really funny, I think.
And we'll also be talking about Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook, that Facebook guy, testifying before Congress.
So this is a very, like you said earlier, Matt, this is kind of a meta episode of Minion Death Cult.
Might be the most meta one so far.
Before we get into that, we have to thank our newest Patreon subscribers.
Coming to sweep up.
Kevin N. Thank you so much, Kevin.
Adam W. Thank you.
Ryan C. Thanks, Ryan.
Nina J. Thank you, Nina.
Chris Wilson.
Thank you so much.
I mean, Chris W. Pretend I didn't say that last name.
There's a million Chris Wilsons in the world, man.
This one's C-dub.
Yeah, it's true.
Nothing special about you, Chris.
Don't get excited.
Timothy C.
Drew W., Alex H., Alex R., and Izzy.
Thank you folks so much for subscribing to the Patreon, getting that bonus episode every week, supporting the cult, dying a slow death with us.
Yeah, we're just dying.
Gotta get on that mic, too.
We're dying.
I gotta get on this mic, dude.
We're dying slowly at a rate of 666 miles per hour.
Yeah, so thank you to all our Patreon subscribers.
You guys are fucking sweet.
I can't believe that you guys are doing this and thank you and I love you.
Commando Squad!
What's up?
Alright, yeah, let's get to this show.
So, we have just a few posts we are working from.
Like I said, we're going to start off with the Michael Cohen FBI raid.
You know, like I said, we're not fans of the FBI by any means.
My major take on this is that it's funny, that it's cool, that the FBI is targeting an actual shitty person.
That's cool.
Yeah, it's rare.
Even if they don't have any evidence against him, I'm sure he did something bad.
I'm sure he's a bad boy.
I bet you he's a real bad boy.
I think it's funny too.
And I think FBI is a piece of shit because they only serve the oligarchy.
But yeah, it's kind of fun, man.
This is exciting.
By tomorrow, Trump will probably have fired Mueller and we'll have more stuff to talk about.
But for now, this is as good as it gets.
It's pretty fun.
If you're a sports fan, it's like watching two teams that you hate play each other.
You hate both of them.
So, you know, you just like watching it.
Maybe you want to watch some fights or something like that.
I'm a hockey fan, so maybe you want to watch some fisticuffs or somebody being made a fool out of.
That's what I want to see.
No matter who gets the CTE, we win.
This is not making up for the crack epidemic or, you know, killing black leaders or, you know, introducing AIDS into America.
That's not about any of that.
It's not?
They gotta make up for that.
I'm not gonna hold that against them for this time.
I'm gonna let them do their thing against Trump.
Yeah, they're gonna have to arrest like five more lawyers at least.
Minimum.
And cops.
We gotta arrest more cops.
We're gonna arrest a pool of lawyers.
Okay, so this is your segment, Matt, right?
Yeah.
Well, Fox News posted, I think it was from Trump's tweet or something, it's a quote from Trump.
Saying it's an attack on our country.
Saying what is an attack?
Oh, the fact that Cohen's getting fucking investigated.
He got raided.
This is Trump's response to the FBI raid on his lawyer.
And Michael Cohen, once again, I'm sure you're familiar listening at home.
Michael Cohen is not just like Trump's lawyer.
Michael Cohen is like Trump's top body man fixer lawyer.
Supposedly he's the one who threatened Stormy Daniels.
He's the one that took the mortgage out?
Yeah.
And that's probably what this raid is related to.
Is committing bank fraud.
Not telling the bank what he got the loan for.
That's awesome.
But, you know, I mean, like, fuck the bank.
Fuck it all.
Burn the shit to the ground.
So this is just a post containing Trump's...
Yeah, so it's a Fox News post.
It's got a quote from Trump just saying, it's an attack on our country in a true sense.
It's an attack on what we all stand for.
It's, you know, Trump speaking for the entire country, because he's our president.
I love just the FBI raiding Michael Cohen's house is an attack on the country.
Yeah, I mean, fucking declare war.
We all have the right to silence our mistresses.
Like the FBI knocking down the door of somebody who's done nothing but blackmail contractors is somehow a representation of America.
Right.
It's got a picture of Trump looking real sad in this post and then it's got another little quote down there and a bottom text type meme thing.
It says, it's a disgraceful situation.
It's a total witch hunt.
I've been saying it for a long time.
Which, you know, is the great sentiment that's echoed, uh, throughout, you know, most of his fanbase.
Um, so we'll get right into it here.
Jason Matthew Gorton says... Not Gordon.
Not Gordon.
Gorton.
That really bothers me a lot.
What's a food company that's Gorton?
What is... Trust the Gorton's Fishermen.
Oh, so Gorton is... No, I think it's Gordon.
Okay.
But it is, you know...
I was gonna say, it's a combination of Gordon's Fisherman and Morton's Salt.
Yeah.
We got a real salty boy here, Jason Matthew.
Jason... Jeff... Gorton.
I don't know.
Is that a math card joke?
Oh yeah, yeah.
Sure, yeah.
The FBI... I'm gonna read it just like he wrote it out, okay?
The FBI-Federal Bureau of Investigation- That's because he literally tagged the FBI in this comment.
Yeah.
It's a tag.
You can't do bold on Facebook.
It's pretty redundant, isn't it?
You don't gotta tag the FBI.
They're already reading it.
Pretty sweet.
The FBI could not find any collusion with Russia.
I'm surprised he didn't tag the Russia Facebook in here.
Okay.
They are on their last straw.
Getting a bit desperate, are we?
I think this political witch hunt and the weaponizing of government agencies actually works in his favor.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, this is one of those good FBI investigations.
I love that they're weaponized.
The FBI's been weaponized.
Yeah, that's a talking point.
The Clintons are weaponizing the FBI.
It's like, if you're gonna talk like that about that, then everything's weaponized.
Healthcare is weaponized.
I mean, everything is weaponized though, but anyway.
I mean, but the FBI has weapons.
Yeah, they're strapped now.
It's not like Obama said.
Give him weapons.
Give him guns.
Give him all guns.
Have you guys thought about carrying guns yet?
FBI agents?
Yeah, Hillary signed a bill and let them start carrying firearms.
I think, okay.
President Donald J. Trump, tagged, did not use bleach bit and smashed blackberries to cover up criminal activity.
That was Hillary.
So, it's been a while since the election.
I forgot about the blackberry thing, so I was reading this and I was like, did not use bleach bit?
and smash blackberries like what the fuck is that so the blackberries thing is is still funny to me because the reason just no just like the The fact that BlackBerry is a meme itself is for a reason, because Hillary Clinton literally would only use a BlackBerry cell phone and refuse to learn how to use any other cell phone.
She had to have that tactile keyboard, man.
And it was like a BlackBerry that no longer was made, so her aides had to keep going on eBay to find old BlackBerry, this specific model of BlackBerry.
That is crazy.
Yeah.
It seems like some, like, I don't know, it's just, she's so stupid.
No, but what's funny, no, there is like a, there is like a collection of people, there's a type person that does that.
There is this whole subculture of Blackberry users, it's like that, it's weird.
Hey, not me, I'm an iPhone 4 guy, alright?
There's people that take like a quote-unquote analog approach to phones.
Yeah.
But see, I don't get that, like, if you're gonna, if you're gonna spend so much time, like, going after an obsolete phone, why not do the juke?
True, true.
Go for the juke.
The juke is compact, it swivels open, which is an interesting way to collapse your phone.
And it plays mp3s.
And it's like, it's like metallic.
It's like red and gold metallic.
It's got like a little LED screen that tells you what's playing.
And a time.
It also tells your time.
Well not at the same time, you have to like press a button and it'll tell you the time.
That's really clever too, because it's like, a juke is like a move you get to like swivel past somebody, and also like a jukebox?
Right, it's a juke.
I think the pun is that it's a jukebox, but then also, like, when you swivel it open, it looks like it's juke, like it's doing a move.
Yeah, it's a football move.
Yeah, exactly.
Wow, the features now.
Sorry.
So... But bleach bit.
What the fuck is a bleach bit?
I thought it was a typo, because... I did too.
I thought she was, like, destroying evidence with bleach.
Yeah, like, but, you know.
But, no, it's bleach bit, and I thought it was an app or something, but it's, uh...
Or, like, some cool, like, mind currency?
Because this is literally, the quote is, President Trump didn't use bleach bit and smash blackberries.
How would something called bleach bit smash a blackberry?
Well, I'll tell you, Alex.
I did a little research.
It took me a whole two seconds online and... Okay, way to shame me, dude.
I went to... No, I'm just telling you how much work I did.
It took me to bleachbit.org to an item called Blackberry.
It's $19.99 each.
You can get up to 99 of them at a time if you want.
And it is a hammer, a fiberglass hammer with a metal head to it and a blue rubber grip.
It's a yellow.
And it looks like it says bleachbit.org on it.
It's a mock.
It's not real, but...
And I just got to read the description of it real quick.
Finally, the bleachbit Blackberry...
And then I didn't get the rest of it.
But yeah.
Oh, yeah, TM edition is available to non-governmental customers.
This 20-ounce, quote, drastic cyber measure, unquote, pulverizes even the most confidential emails so that, quote, even God can't read them.
The grip is specifically designed not to retain fingerprints.
So, yeah, it's good grammar.
Unlike software-based approaches that can take hours, now you can eliminate evidence.
And then I didn't get the rest of it.
But, yeah, it's a fucking stupid gag gift thing.
And, you know, I think this guy.
It's literally just a hammer that says bleachbit.org on it.
But it's not, you know, it's like somebody put text art over the hammer.
It's a bad mock.
And there's also like a delete icon.
It's like a little hand brush sweeping something into a pan that's on the head of the hammer.
Yeah, it looks like a Mac app icon or something.
This is, like, such an elaborate joke.
Yeah.
And it's so funny.
And this idiot thinks that, uh, fuckin', uh, that, like, she actually used one to smash a blackberry.
Yeah, why didn't she use the bleach bit to s- or, wha- I think we're being a bit, a bit arrogant here.
I think that Jason Matthews Gordon is actually just hilarious.
Maybe.
I think he just is a funny guy.
Maybe he's the one selling this?
Maybe.
If so, bravo.
Maybe he needs to get this whole model to Twitter.
I'll tell you this much, all day on my Facebook, there's been advertisements for the bleach bit all day.
Mine too, dude.
And we only talked about it over the phone.
I know.
I didn't even talk about it.
I just thought about it a lot.
Robert Young says, hey, cold open here, and not a word about the real and factual corrupt traitors of the Obozo administration who would have, who, I'm going to say it verbatim, who would have hanged by our forefathers.
Which, you know, if I'm going to take that literally, it means that they were hung Right next to the forefathers, you know.
Yeah, the forefathers who were hung.
No, hung.
These Obozo administration members would have hanged right next to him.
Would pay-for-view for that.
So it's like, this guy's a fucking idiot.
That's the right way to say that.
Yeah, pay-for-view.
That's how I said it when I was like four when I wanted wrestling pay-for-views.
I'm like, Mom, I want pay-for-view.
It's like when I used to say cellophone.
Well, not to play devil's advocate again, but yeah, Obama would have been hung next to my forefathers.
Of course.
To your forefathers.
That was the first thing I took away from this cut.
When I see the Obozo administration and the word hanged by our forefathers, I was like, yeah, I mean, yeah, that's what would have happened.
It would have definitely hung them, yeah.
They'd be like, this fucking witch doctor knows how to read and write bills and shit?
We're gonna hang his ass.
Who taught you that?
And Obama would be like, you know what, I'm just absolutely sick of this witch hunt.
And then the chair would have been kicked out from under him.
Nice, nice hitting that one out of the park, buddy.
Terry Heckle says, get all your lawyers together and find out how you can fire Mueller and Rosenstein and end the corrupt witch hunt.
So, oh wait, I don't even have my notes out.
God damn it.
I love these people.
They think it's really fucking Salem up there.
Dude, hold on.
Listen to this.
Get all your lawyers together?
Is that what you're gonna talk about?
America, get your lawyers together.
Get them together.
We gotta pool these lawyers together.
Consult your lawyers to find out how we can fire Mueller.
There's gotta be some sort of secret clause that says a Mueller can't actually do a special investigation.
And if all of us right-wing conservative Trump supporters get together and get our lawyers on the job, we'll get it done.
For sure.
I'm actually going to, like, have one of those TV ad lawyer campaigns.
If you or somebody that you love has been affected by the investigations of Mueller, please call me for justice today.
And we will work together to do a, you know, group suing of him.
That's the word I'm gonna use.
Maybe that could be what we do for our Patreon subscribers for whatever we're talking about.
We'll do a funny video.
Okay.
I don't know.
It sounds funny.
Gloria Harman, does she have a Betty White?
Betty White?
I think it's just another old white lady.
Okay, she's as old as fucking white.
Gloria Harman says, If Is wasn't for Trump winning, just think, all the corruption would remain buried under Hillary.
Thank God for opening the grave so we have a chance to find the truth and bury the real deplorables.
Thank God, uh, Trump, or no, thank God that he, that God moved Hillary, the gravestone, from off of the grave.
And now we can, you know, bury the real deplorables in there.
Is that what this metaphor's saying?
I'm still trying to figure it out.
the grave, the stuff that's buried under Hillary.
Like, what?
It's like when a wound is almost healed, you pick it back open and you explore it to find the truth, and then you can bury the real infection.
I'm a picker, man.
I love picking, dude.
I love it.
What I think is happening here is she's saying, okay, so if Mueller is going to go ahead and go into Cohen's stuff, finally Cohen will have Mueller's ear and will be able to tell him about the travesties that the Clintons have done.
He will finally have an audience with the FBI, and now they're trying to find the dirt, but what they're going to find is the gold, and that's the answer to the dirt.
Cohen's just like, he's like, hey, hey, hey, turn the tape off, turn that recorder off.
He's like, I have an offer for you.
No, it's going to be the opposite.
They're going to be like, turn that recorder on, I got something to say about the Clintons.
And if this doesn't get out, that means you're hiding what I'm saying.
It's cool.
It'd be like a cool crime scene show.
We all know if Michael Cohen turns up dead of a cocaine overdose, then it was definitely because he had dirt on the Clintons.
Not because he's a drug addict.
Exactly.
If they find crack sprinkler on him, they'll know the CIA was set to take him out.
If it wasn't for Trump winning, just think, all the corruption would remain buried under Hillary.
What the fuck does this mean, dude?
It's one of the weirdest metaphors.
It's a bad one.
When you say something is buried, you don't literally mean it died.
And like, you hit it, you hit it, but then... Then she comes in with a grave.
But then she keeps going with the grave, and then she wants to bury the real Deplorables, who was Hillary, who was already buried in the first part of her metaphor.
No, again, I think what's happening here may be another hunch.
I can barely understand what Gloria is saying.
I don't think I'm going to understand your elaboration on it.
So Gloria is saying that if Clinton was in office, we would never know how despicable Mueller is.
He would just be going along with it on investigating her.
And now he's reared his head and we know exactly what piece of garbage he is.
I think it's, uh, Pizzagate, dude.
It's all about Pizzagate.
It's all about that Pizzagate.
I think that's next on the agenda, right?
We're gonna get, we're gonna, uh, Trump's gonna do, uh, gonna get Pizzagate shut down?
Yeah, no, Pizzagate is always next on the agenda.
Full disclosure, there is, like, a bunch of fucking pedophiles out there in all, in all, like, forms of, like, occupations, including government in Hollywood, but there's no fucking Pizzagate.
There's no pizza shit.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Yeah, I'm the end-all be-all, and I gotta tell ya.
I don't think Chrissy Teigen was one of them, so leave her alone.
I'mma leave her alone now.
Leave my president alone.
Lynn Moore.
What does Lynn say?
The entire Mueller investigation has been illegal from the get-go.
None of the guidelines of the DOJ have been followed.
The parameters of the entire thing have got totally off the rail.
Rosenstein is a corrupt traitor, as are Mueller and his whole team who all worked for the Clinton cartel.
If we have to call in the Marines, the Federal Marshals, the DHS officers, or the Navy SEALs to stop this violation of our rules of law, it is past time to do so.
God bless President Trump and keep him safe from the lunatics in the Deep State and the DC Swamp.
The liberal demon crap Marxists have crossed the line this time.
Yeah, demon crap's a new one.
Demon crap's cool.
We, of course, we know demon crats.
We know demon rats, which is my favorite.
But this is demon crap.
And I just love this sentiment.
It's just like, Lin knows what's going on.
Lin knows this shit's illegal.
Everything, you know, just like we all know.
What's going on in this?
Well, we know it's illegal.
We know it's- Just nobody's doing anything about it.
And Lin- I mean, if we know, Lin for sure knows, too.
So, like, you know, Lin's at least talking about it.
You know?
But also, like, calling in the Marines.
Any one of these, like- Somebody, just call- call in somebody, for Christ's sake.
Call in the Navy SEALs.
Yeah.
And fucking, uh, just take out fucking...
Take out Mueller.
Don't fire him, Trump.
Let Navy SEALs do it.
Or send in Blackwater, a total private organization.
Just be totally clean.
Best to keep it private.
Private, buddy.
And that's it.
That's it for that shit.
What's this shit?
It's a good segue.
I'm the king of those segues.
Gotta go to the next one first, sorry.
That's for the... Okay.
Yeah.
Alright, so we had another great Fox News post.
It has a picture of my man, Dan Bongino.
Or as I like to call him, Dan Bongino.
With a quote, They are not targeting crime here, they are targeting Trump.
Just, you know, this is a, we're going against Trump, we're on a... This is that thing... This is a grudge they have.
This is that thing that Fox News does where, uh, it's like they post a meme, you know, it's like news, you know, but it's like a meme.
Yeah.
And it's just somebody who said something pro-Trump.
And that's their news.
Their news is that Dan Bongino, the famous commentator we're all familiar with, this sentient clay jar, says they're not targeting a crime here.
This is news that everybody has to know and it's like such lazy propaganda.
It sucks.
This is what they do.
It'll be a A photo of Ted Cruz and it'll say, Facebook is actively targeting conservatives.
And it's like, they don't prove any of that in the article.
It's just their quote is Ted Cruz saying this in big font and that's their news.
Ted Cruz said that Facebook was targeting conservatives.
It's my favorite type of fluff shit though that comes from Fox News.
It's just stupid as hell.
What's the caption on the post say?
Like the actual description of the post.
Fox News says, quote... This is great.
We would all be in legal jeopardy if Bob Mueller were after us.
Mother Teresa would be in legal jeopardy if Bob Mueller were after us.
Which, I have to say to that, where the fuck was Bob Mueller when Mother Teresa was around?
Yeah, no shit.
Luckily she wasn't in the States, because when she came to this age, she would have swooped her up for crimes against humanity.
But yeah, if you're wondering about the type of character that Dan Bongino is.
He's the type of guy that wears a navy blue pinstripe suit.
And then a baby blue striped tie.
It's bad.
I like the idea.
So first of all, this quote is, you know, we would be in legal jeopardy if Bob Mueller was... Actually, guys, I think it's Mueller.
I think I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time.
It just looks like Mueller.
It shouldn't be Mueller.
That's fucking stupid.
I thought you were doing a Buehler joke the whole time.
Oh yeah, I was doing that.
We'd all be in trouble if an FBI agent were after us.
Way to own Bob Mueller, I guess.
we'd all be in trouble if an FBI agent were after us.
Like this is, wow, way to throw our, you know, way to own Bob Mueller, I guess.
Mother Teresa would be in legal jeopardy if Bob Mueller was after us.
And she's literally a saint.
Okay, but he fucks up his own quote, right?
He can't even talk, right?
Yeah.
If Bob Mueller was after us, then Mother Teresa would be in legal jeopardy.
He was just going, you know?
Yeah, you're right, yeah.
He sucks at it.
Well, maybe he's good friends with Mother Teresa.
Like, what he's saying is a tautology.
Like, it's like a... What is that?
It's true, but it doesn't mean anything.
If the FBI were targeting Nancy Pelosi, Nancy Pelosi would be in trouble.
Exactly.
You know, if the FBI were targeting, even if the FBI were targeting Martin Luther King, Martin Luther King would be in trouble.
Exactly.
I mean, this crazy hypothetical situation where the FBI targets black leaders.
I know, I never heard that.
And literally murders them.
That is my favorite shirt, FBI killed MLK.
That's my favorite shirt of all time.
Well, third favorite shirt.
So yeah, of course people had things to say about this.
My boy Manny Diaz on our side, on our team.
During the Michael Cohen drama, let's not forget that the only significant raid during Barack Obama's tenure was the Navy SEALs stormed the compound in Pakistan and took out Osama Bin Laden.
Oh yeah, got him.
Burn.
Yeah.
It's funny because I mean like yeah, I mean I remember where I was at when Bin Laden was killed.
I remember that moment.
You were in Pakistan, right?
Yes, serving coffee.
Serving Turkish coffee in Pakistan.
These guys thinking like, you know.
Just thinking about that movie.
I don't know, they just did this weird worship of this soft democratic past that we talked about.
Oh, this lib tape?
Yeah, this lame ass lib tape.
Yeah, it sucks.
And I mean, yeah, sure, it was cool that there was no actual drama with Obama, but maybe we should question some war stuff.
Hey, save the drama for Obama.
That's not how that rhyme went.
But I mean, of course, they wouldn't let... Our friends at Fox News, on the Fox News page, wouldn't take this type of liberal babble.
No, hold on.
Let me do a joke here.
You got a joke, dude?
The only raid during Obama's tenure was Redemption.
Okay.
True, true.
That's pretty good.
I got a joke.
Uh, Barack didn't get Osama.
It was all because of Bush Jr.
Well, what we're going to learn in a minute here is that Barack didn't get Osama.
Okay, tight.
I want to do more jokes about this lame fucking liberal.
This lame raid pun.
It's so stupid.
The only raid during the Obama years was what he used to kill roaches like Trump.
The only raid from the Obama years was him from the three-point line.
Buckets.
What's this next one?
So of course they had to set him straight with some facts.
Philip Mulherin?
Because Obama was just a crook.
Sorry, this is hard.
Because Obama was a crook, just like they are.
Funny, we never saw Bin Laden's body, and SEAL Team 6 was set up and killed in a helicopter crash shortly thereafter.
Yeah, no, totally.
Do you guys remember that?
When SEAL Team 6 was killed in a helicopter crash?
No, it was crazy, because they weren't even supposed to identify who was part of SEAL Team 6, but they did it on the local news, and it was wild.
Was that in the sequel to the SEAL Team 6 movie?
Uh-huh.
Oh, okay.
I think the MIB came in Erase My Memory, because I don't remember that happening.
No, yeah, they murdered John from the office.
Jim from the office.
His name is John, and the office's name is John.
Yeah.
You know, John giving those John looks to the camera, you know?
Oh, Philip Mulherin went on to say, because Obama... That's the same thing.
It's the same comment there.
How come we didn't notice that earlier?
How come we didn't notice that during the edit?
That's weird, dude.
I blame the edit.
Sorry, George Jones.
Blame the editor and the engineer.
No, I'm just kidding.
Obama's just a radical jihadist from Kenya.
He was a bit.
He was bin laden a buddy He was bin laden a buddy.
Yeah, this is George Jones the country singer just given his two cents in he's at a country sir He's just like a bit.
He's like a like a country singer like Conway Twitty or something.
I could see a song called he was a buddy It's about my dog named Bin Laden.
So Obama is a radical jihadist from Kenya.
He was Bin Laden's buddy.
How could he have killed Bin Laden when he was literally his best friend?
So obviously he didn't do it, man.
He tried, no.
There was like a moment they looked into each other's eyes and even Bin Laden was like, just do it.
Are we going back to the dog metaphor I was making earlier?
Did they have an old Yeller moment?
Yeah, it's either an old Yeller moment or it's that moment with Dr. Manhattan and Rorschach.
And Obama explodes Bin Laden's body and it leaves the ISIS logo on the ground.
That's where it came from, I think.
Because it does kind of look like a warship.
That is where it came from.
Because it didn't exist before Osama died.
Right.
No, it's one of those cinematic moments where Obama's like, I can't do it.
He's like, I can never kill you.
He's like, oh no, this is what he does.
He says, I would never kill you.
Never.
And then he sends in John from the office and he's like...
You'll do it.
You take care of him.
That's your Obama impression?
He's like a Nordic German terrorist from Die Hard.
You'll do it.
He's like an Eastern European terrorist.
If that's Obama, then we're worried about Trump being a Russian collusion?
John Krasinski, you take care of Osama.
Oh, man, bin Laden a buddy.
So yeah, so we all know about the radical Kenyan jihadist anyways Barbara Mack had to set things straight again and say, then of course, there was that disaster in Benghazi.
Right, yeah.
No, I almost forgot.
I almost forgot, and then you reminded me again.
I actually probably hear about this every three days still, but why did Barbara Mack have to come in with Benghazi?
Well, because that's like a mistake that Obama did.
When he did Benghazi.
Barbara Mack literally flies her flag at half-mast on the day of Benghazi every year.
I love thinking on this.
She actually puts the flag on the ground, because it's half-masked for the original 9-11 already, and then plus Benghazi, because Benghazi also happened on fucking 9-11.
Wrap your heads around that, folks.
So now the flag's just again, double half-mast, which is just on the floor.
But you know they put a cardboard on the ground so the flag can rest.
And there's shining a light just on the floor.
What you do is you put a Bible on the floor and then rest the flag on the Bible.
But then, oh, but you put it like a Qur'an under the Bible, so the Bible's not actually on the floor either.
I think that we should start selling some sort of, um... Because the Bible's strong enough to, like, touch the Qur'an, but the flag isn't.
True.
It's like magnets.
Yeah.
If the flag touches the Qur'an, it, like, the steel beams inside the flag melt.
This is how, it's magic how it happened though, so, this explains it.
I think we should start doing some sort of candle ceremony, like holidays that sound like Benghazi.
We'll spread out to seven days, and we'll light a different candle every day, and we can have our own little contraption to hold the candles.
Like Hanukkah?
Like Hanukkah, like Kwanzaa.
Now we get our own one.
They should combine 9-11 and Benghazi into one holiday.
Yeah, exactly.
That's what it's going to be now.
It's going to be Benghazi Day.
I think we should actually move.
You know, people are pissed that they combined Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday and now it's just President's Day.
We need to reverse that with Benghazi and 9-11 and spread the joy out throughout the year.
For a week.
Oh yeah, like Christmas in July.
You got Christmas in July, and then you got regular Christmas.
Because everybody knows Jesus was actually born in July.
And with the candle, you light one candle for every member of SEAL Team 6 and one for Jesus.
And one for Trump.
So yeah, anyways.
Because he's dead now.
So you're postulating that they're called SEAL Team 6 because there were six of them?
Oh, that's exactly right.
You guys didn't know that?
No, that's correct.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
It's like, SEAL Team 6, assemble!
And they all have power rings.
I saw the cartoon of arms like seals.
There's a cartoon about it.
And then that movie, The 7th Seal, was about the Seal Team 6's producer that never got any credit.
But he was considered the 7th Seal.
That's nice.
That's some satanic shit.
Or some Beatles shit.
Or, what about that video game SoCalm Navy Seals?
Yeah, I know that too.
That predicted all this.
I'm not gonna tell you guys again, I don't play fucking video games.
You gonna go piss your pants in a little bit?
No, we're just done with that slide.
Alright, let's do this slide.
Alright, so this is from a- I thought you paused it.
This is from a meme that was like, uh, it was just like a nice photo of Muller, and it said, if you think it's- What?
I had one more, but it's okay.
We're doing good on time.
Okay.
They had the other slide, but it's okay because we're doing good on time.
Oh, you did have the other slide.
My bad.
No, it's cool.
No, this is good.
We like that one.
We'll do the right one then.
Yeah.
Okay.
Sorry.
Going back on the same, the Bongino post.
M Alejandro Lopez about to put your Set your alarms because it's time to get woke.
Yeah, this might be my favorite comment of the night.
Why are we where we are as a nation?
Why have liberals taken control of Hollywood when old Hollywood was full of conservatives?
Fully conservative.
Old Hollywood was fully conservative.
Remember that?
Why have they taken over the media when the media was supposed to bring us the news and not manipulate the world into sheep?
Why are new things new?
Why are old things old and why are new things new?
Yeah, how do they- what are magnets and how do they work?
How come it used to be Hollywood and now it's Holly Weird?
Or Holly Weed, more like it.
Holly Weed, yeah.
Weird Weed.
I don't think they say that.
No, we say it, bruh.
Why have they taken over so many political positions when those positions were meant to serve the people?
Yeah, because you know how the Democrats were just owning the right right now.
Yeah.
Well no, Democrats... Demon craps?
Demon rats were, as we know, the slave owners and feel like the people need to serve them.
True.
Their slaves need to serve them.
So it's weird That they're in, you know, positions of power where they're supposed to serve us.
Like, it's antithetical to the demon rats, you know, position.
Did you guys know that George Zoros actually has, like, slaves in his house?
I believe it.
Yeah, no, and they're actually Jewish slaves.
Like, did George Zoros, the Zionist Jewish menace to the right wing, was actually Nazi?
You guys know that?
Yeah, I do know that.
It's a really cool part of this totally reasonable conspiracy theory.
He's a Nazi and a traditional Democrat.
He's one of the bad Jews that's actually a Nazi.
It's not because their way is the best and only way, but because of the Vietnam War.
You guys remember when the Democrats did the Vietnam War?
My theory goes like this.
In the 60s, the world changed with the discovery of hallucinogenics as it spread like a virus destroying the youth of that generation and it created hippies and began the mental ill state of quote opening your mind.
You guys remember that when it all went downhill from there?
Yeah, I remember when, uh, people, uh, our soldiers went over to fight in Vietnam and got addicted to acid.
Yeah.
Well, no.
They were slamming acid through the barrel of a gun.
The good ones didn't become addicts until later.
The real men went off the... This is like saying that... Okay, it goes... Oh, I see what you're saying.
Well, I got something to say about hallucinogens.
Are you guys familiar with that Democrat propaganda that mushrooms, magic mushrooms actually heal your brain?
They actually grow brain cells?
Yeah, I saw that Nancy Pelosi posted that today.
Yeah.
No, I haven't seen that.
It's bullshit.
I don't know.
It's actually true.
She was like, I like eating it on a pizza.
I eat it on pizza in the morning on a Saturday because I want to take my whole day and trip on mushrooms in San Francisco.
I put mine in my acai bowls with my peanut butter.
I put mine in my ass.
That doesn't make sense.
That doesn't work.
You'd have to like put it so far up your ass that it goes back into your stomach.
Yeah.
Well, I grind it up and then I pulverize it in a magic bullet and I stick it up my butt.
Like a pill?
Okay.
No, just on powder.
Well, see?
You're the byproduct of the 60s.
You're what's wrong with America.
I think you don't even have to eat magic mushrooms.
You can just drink some milk and have the same effect.
Why?
Cuz it upsets your tummy.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
That's what that's that's what you're gonna have a cappuccino.
It's just psilocybin.
That's what I like to call it, psychosilobin.
Psychosilocybin.
Wow.
Let's stop hallucinogenic shaming.
Yeah, I don't actually love mushrooms.
Let's keep going, this is terrible.
I actually need a circus because I'm on them.
The real men went off to fight in the Vietnamese War.
That's how you say that?
Yeah, the Vietnamese War.
And left the crazies to take charge of our nation.
Left the crazies to take charge of our nation.
All of the people walking around, tripping on acid, smoking doodies.
Yeah, no, if you go to Vietnam, then like, yeah, you can't vote anymore.
All the politicians, all like the normal good politicians, they also went to war.
As many good men died to protect this nation, or lost their minds in what we saw, what they saw, or were humiliated and thrown into homelessness.
Thrown into homelessness just passively.
Nobody actually did the throwing.
They were just thrown into homelessness.
Right, the wind.
But not before they would pull their pants down and then throw them into homelessness.
The insane took power.
What we are seeing is the aftermath of the hippie generation and it's destroying our country.
We will not survive unless those who stay true to what this nation was founded on and rise and stand with each other to defend our beliefs from our education to family values to patriotism.
Yeah.
Rant of the day.
Thumbs up emoji.
Defend our beliefs from our education.
No, it's defend our beliefs from our education, to family values, to patriotism.
Yes.
Oh.
Okay.
It's just not punctuated.
No, it's not punctuated.
Yeah, it's bad.
No, yes.
Stipulating that the culture war was won because we killed off all the conservatives in the Vietnam War.
They all died over there.
Yeah.
I mean, a lot of people died over there, but... Like, as if...
Fighting the Vietnam War itself wasn't a hyper-conservative action?
Yeah.
Like hippies somehow convinced all these good men to go fight this war because hippies were so pro-Vietnam War.
We're all familiar with this.
They were sending other people off to do their dirty work.
In all seriousness, though, what do conservatives truly love other than, like, making money?
So, like, of course, Vietnam is entirely a fucking money... Why were we fighting the Vietnamese War?
For fucking military-industrial complex.
Well, yeah, who were we fighting against?
The, you know... The communists.
Yeah, exactly.
But, um...
Yeah, I'm sure the main reason was to generate revenue and profit.
Well, we're fighting on behalf of capitalism.
They're saying the same thing.
What's so funny about this too is for some reason they think that if their theory is accurate they think they somehow avoided all this.
Like, somehow their byproducts, they got through.
And they know.
They ended up okay, even though they shouldn't have because of the previous generation, all the good people died.
Well, they're probably one of those sheep and black.
Oh, yep, yep, yep.
Those sheep that are black, not the other way around.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
So after that long, long dissertation about how the Vietnam War is responsible for how fucked up our culture is, not because it, like, was sort of the ultimate manifestation of, like, an entrenched war-like country refusing to accept the most reasonable solution, which is just, you know, not fight a war that you don't have to fight, not because it, like,
was a total disaster and yet didn't convince us to stay out of unnecessary uh offensive wars not uh that's not why it was bad it was bad because it killed off all the conservative men they're all dead now anyway so after that long amazing explanation we get Charlie Gardner's reply which is just No, it's simply because people started to reject the Word of God and the Bible.
Which I fucking love, because M. Alejandro spent so much time explaining his theory, and Charlie's like, no, it's just because people are evil now.
Well, I mean, D. Crispy is even more verbose than Charlie.
Charlie's less verbose.
Yeah, I was being sarcastic.
They took God out of the classroom, but that was not the issue.
Yeah, D Crispy just sums it up.
Obama.
Separate comment.
He's the devil.
He's the devil.
I love it.
That's why the evil wins.
So good.
Because Obama was in there.
And then Morgan French with like another super cutting and incisive liberal take says, Wow, you just called to overthrow the government.
Treason much?
I hate that.
Yeah.
Sick burn, Morgan.
You fucking loser.
Yeah.
Dang it.
It's pretty great.
Wow.
Genocide much?
White genocide much?
Yeah.
It's a hobby of mine.
Kill it.
Okay, so this is a meme that I was talking about earlier.
I don't know if I cut that out or not.
I probably cut it out.
Hey, cut it out, man.
Yeah, it was a meme that was from a page called Donald Trump for President.
Still up, huh?
Still up and going strong, because this post had like 105 or 115,000 shares, 115,000 likes, thousands of comments, and it was just a meme, it was just a photo of a very nice professional photo of Bob Mueller, and it said, if you think it's time for Bob Mueller to be fired, like and share.
Which is like, in my mind, it's, you know, Just one of those very stupid internet things like, you know, if you believe in God, say amen.
Yeah.
You know, or if you think the Raiders are gonna go all the way this year, you know, like and share.
Hey.
Take it easy, alright?
So, but what I'm saying is that normally that would be just a totally impotent, like, silly thing to like and share, but with who our president is, the media baby that our president is, this actually might work to get him to fire Mulder.
Yeah.
Like, if somebody shows him a meme that went viral and he's like, oh, shit, people liked it, okay, yeah, I will do it.
That's real democracy.
105,000 people, that's like a lot of people, right?
I like what I heard today.
Yeah, that's a... I mean, every one of them knows 105,000 people, so they're gonna, you know, share it with all of them.
I heard on the news that Sarah Sanders today was like, Trump can fire Mueller, but he's not gonna.
The way that Trump can't fire Mueller, he has to get...
He has to get Rosenstein to fire Mueller, because that's how the chain of command works in the Department of Justice, because... So he would have to fire... Well, if Rosenstein wouldn't fire Mueller, because I don't think he's going to fire Mueller, he would have to fire Rosenstein, and then he would have to also fire Jeff Sessions, and then he would have to appoint a new Attorney General who would then fire him.
And he could do it, but it would just take probably more work than he's interested in doing.
I think the quote was even better than that.
I think the quote was like, Trump is under the impression that he can.
Yes, that's the quote.
Which is wow, not saying anything at all.
He's saying that it's not so much that he can go fire him, but he can move the pieces to make it happen.
Are you asking me what Trump can do, or are you asking me what Trump thinks he can do?
Exactly, exactly.
It's good.
Okay, so the comments on this were great.
Melita Jo Eller Ring Kid says... What the fuck?
Says, fire him.
Handcuff him.
We are angered and ready to revolt for fairness and to let our president do his business.
That's good.
Is that a Freudian slip right there?
Let our president do his business from the White House?
I think it is, dude.
Yeah.
I think she wants him to be able to have that conflict of interest.
I love this idea.
This idea is everywhere.
This is one of, you know, aside from firing Mueller, that's like the mainstreamest of these takes.
The second most mainstream take is, oh, Civil War time.
Yeah.
Oh, we're gonna do a civil war now!
That should be the name of the episode, Civil War Time.
Uh, but it's... It's like... I saw a lot of it as, oh, liberals just want to start a civil war.
A lot of it was like, they drew first war, not me.
I love it.
You know?
It's like... So, so you're gonna...
You're gonna go to war.
You're gonna do a civil war against who?
Do a civil war.
You're gonna do a civil war against the FBI?
Like who is on your side?
You have the Navy Seals, remember?
You have Donald Trump.
You have the whole executive branch, I guess, except for the FBI.
Yeah.
You have the whole executive branch, you have the Congress, you have how many states?
A majority of the states?
Against the FBI and probably Rachel Ray's dog food company.
Those are the actors in the Civil War.
Well, we might have all of the states, but they have the deep state.
And the deep state, that's who we're really fighting the wars against, is against the deep state.
Right, so we're the deplorables now in this situation.
It's all really muddled and confusing.
Yeah, dude.
Info Wars.
Man, we're in one of those knowledge squabbles.
Knowledge squabbles?
You did it.
You got the word.
I got it this time.
Squabbles.
Squabbles.
Squabbles, baby!
No.
Don't ever do that again.
I'm telling myself, no.
Hashtag knowledge squabbles.
Yeah, hell yeah, share it.
No, yeah, I mean, it's just like, okay, like, ready to revolt for fairness.
Yeah, that's good.
We're gonna start a revolution for fairness.
We're gonna, like... Something that doesn't exist anyway.
We're gonna start the fairness party, where what we do is we hang the opposition.
The fucking Fairness Party?
Jesus Christ.
That is great though.
I'm sure that exists already.
The Truth and Fairness Party.
It's cool.
The Honest Tea Party.
The Honest Tea Party.
Like, this is like the equivalent.
This is...
Sorry, I just got your Honest Tea Party.
Yeah, this is an ad for Honest Tea.
Sponsor us, Honest Tea.
This is like worse than walking out to support your Second Amendment rights.
You know, like, there's like a student walkout, like a pro-gun.
This is like walking out to, like, walking out of class to support your teacher.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, not your teacher's not on strike or anything.
You're just like, hey, no, she's doing a good job.
Yeah.
You're gonna start a revolution for president.
Telling your boss, telling the owner of the company, you know what?
You need to raise.
Boss, give yourself a fat bonus.
But like taking control of the factory, like taking possession of the factory in support of your boss.
I got this, I got this.
Like doing an old school lockout of your factory for manager.
It makes my brain hurt.
We're gonna start a revolution for president.
Start a revolution for the guy who is the fucking president.
It shows you just like how...
Agreed these people are they're just fans do they have?
They have the presidency they have the both both houses of Congress they have the judiciary and they're still like they're not winning the culture war So it doesn't matter, you know, they have all the mechanisms of power, but people are still like, you're fucking stupid.
But they also think they're not winning the culture war yet, like, you know, cops still get to kill people all the time.
Yeah, that's a win in my book.
But they still think they're losing?
They still think they're just, like, losing?
Yeah, I mean, that's not the culture war, though.
They're, like, happy with cops doing that.
That's what I'm saying.
Us being able to say, hey, cops are lame, bro.
They're like, man, why aren't we the cool ones?
Yeah.
Don't make fun of them.
Debbie McQueary Bottom.
Why are you laughing, Alex?
It's so funny, dude.
Hey, the top half of me is straight, but my bottom...
Pretty query.
And it's from McDonald's.
Alright, poop McDonald's.
Wait, isn't that a McFlurry joke?
It's just a Mc joke.
You should have made an Irish slave joke.
Okay, Irish.
My bottom is a slave for you.
You know the Mc's are at the bottom.
They are, but the mix are actually at the bottom rung of our society and we need to stop making fun of them on this podcast.
Hey, you're not Irish, are you dude?
Yeah, I'm probably a little Irish.
Anyone that has to wear a sunscreen is probably a little bit Irish.
Debbie says, Lord take this man down as only you can.
Use your special set of skills.
Smite him!
Smite him!
He's up to no good.
Protect our president from him and the others that are trying to take President Trump down.
In the name of Jesus, we pray.
Amen.
Wow.
Muller down before Trump- before Muller takes Trump down, basically.
Which, like, she wants God to pull up next to Muller in a blacked out van, uh, drag Muller into the car, and rendition him to hell where he will illegally detain him for eternity.
No, that'll be in purgatory, dude.
Okay.
Because that's more like a prison.
I didn't add much to what I said.
Whatever.
I mean, hell is also a prison.
Yeah, but purgatory, bro.
We are going to feel real stupid when in the middle of this final hearing, you know, the skies open up and a hand comes down and just thumbprints out Mueller and protects Trump.
Like from Monty Python?
All their prayers are going to be answered.
It's going to happen just like that.
What do they think is going to happen here?
Well, it's like when there was only one set of footprints on the beach, those were my footprints because you were on house arrest.
And you had an ankle bracelet on.
You couldn't come, but we were FaceTiming.
Lin LeFerb says, no one cares.
So about this, like, FBI raid.
No one cares.
Only the liberals that think they can impeach the president for something he may or may not have done 12 years ago.
Hell, we had a president that had sex in the Oval Office and he wasn't impeached for his actions.
You would think by now the biased media and the liberals would come up with a new angle.
Okay, so he goes on to say, in an edit, edited, I know Clinton was impeached, but it was for obstruction and lying under oath, not for his actions of adultery in his office.
Try to follow me here, okay?
So Lynne is saying that Trump shouldn't be impeached for having sex just like Clinton wasn't impeached for having sex, but then Clinton was actually impeached for things adjacent to having sex, which somehow Lynne thinks reinforces her argument.
Like, Trump's not being investigated for having sex either.
Yeah, Lynne doesn't fuck up.
It's just, it's a weird, like, rollercoaster.
Well, yeah, by this logic, I mean, Trump's gonna get impeached then, right?
No.
No?
Well, I mean, yeah, maybe by that.
By this logic.
Maybe by the House.
They're saying, like, if they're being this hard on Trump, they should have been even harder on Clinton.
And it's, like, so silly because, like I said, having sex is not a crime.
That's like not necessarily, you know, having... I mean, it depends on... Well, I mean, sorry.
Having consensual sex is not a crime.
But lying about it under oath is.
Yeah.
Lying under oath is a crime.
It's real funny.
It's also just like a crime against yourself.
Like, why would you ever deny the opportunity to brag about having sex?
True.
I can't wait to brag about having sex one day.
No, it's really good.
The way the movies and media have portrayed it, it seems really cool.
It seems tight.
It does seem cool.
I want to feel like that woman in Shape of Water feels.
Well, I think that's an even more special kind of sex that none of us get to have unless there really are fish monsters out there.
Monster- ooh, monsters?
Wow.
Wow, that's the word we're gonna use?
No, what I mean- I mean monster-like, like- like- like a monster cock, like- Hey dude, you can't fuck a fish, dude.
It's not okay.
I'm just saying, if we're gonna- if we're gonna be calling that- if we're gonna be calling him a monster, I- I want this still to not be taken off of Facebook for hate speech, so let's not- let's not do that.
Okay, uh- I'm hate- hatin', though.
Sue Huff says, I love this take.
It's the phrase.
huff says any self-respecting lawyer should not keep important files in his office lol hillary slept with hers besides bill that's the only thing to tickle her fantasy well it's the phrase uh that's Any self-respecting lawyer should not keep important files in his office.
Yeah, what?
Every lawyer knows you have to eat your files, eat your important files to absorb the information and prevent it from being discovered by private eyes.
And then you have to burn it.
Yeah, that's another way to do it.
After reading.
What I do is, um, you know, like, only cucks keep their files in folders or, like, filing cabinets.
Like, obviously, that's the first place the FBI's gonna look, uh, is in the filing cabinet.
Yeah.
Um, so what I do is I keep all my important files and folders in the stove, and I, I, Have the stove turned up to 450 degrees Fahrenheit.
And then as soon as I hear that battering ram, go back and I fucking Ray Bradbury that shit.
One degree.
One degree.
And it's time.
You must have a nice oven.
Mine varies too much.
I can't do it.
It's too risky.
You know what I do?
I put mine in a locked file cabinet and then nothing- Oh, that's smart.
No one can get in that thing.
Not even close.
You sound like a self-respecting lawyer.
I'm a- I'm a normal lawyer.
Tim Backer says, with the massive number of laws on the books, we're all felons!
What the fuck?
I've never committed a felony ever in my life.
No, there's like those laws that are like you're not allowed to wear hats indoors on Wednesday nights.
I wasn't doing that, dude.
You didn't see shit.
It's a good bit, right?
Yeah.
No one did.
Actually, no one saw that because this is a podcast.
See, that is the bit.
That's what the bit was.
Uh, yeah, no.
Today we are all felons.
Hashtag yes all men.
We are all felons on this blessed day.
I'm just picturing like a... I'm picturing like a row of deplorables lining the sidewalk leading up to Michael Cohen's house.
And as Mueller walks by, each one of them says, I'm a felon!
No, I'm a felon!
And then they all just get crucified.
No, nothing happens to him because he can't do it to all of them.
Okay, you haven't seen Spartacus.
Oh, did they all get crucified at the end of Spartacus?
Yeah, that's what that All Out War album is.
God damn it, I was just getting ready to watch that movie later.
Spoilers.
I don't watch Charlton Heston shit, alright?
Don't think that's Charlton Heston.
It is definitely Charlton Heston.
Some people definitely did Sutton's, and there's other people that didn't do Nuttin's.
Okay.
Hey, buddy.
And, you know, glass houses.
Right, so if you missed the bonus episode this week, we taught Tony the racial slur, didn't do nothing, didn't do nothings.
What he's saying is that, like, as white men, we, Matt and I, we take responsibility for our actions and we just admit that we did do somethings.
I did do somethings, yeah.
Summons.
Definitely did something.
Back to Dindu Nuffin real quick, I just imagine that's like a name of someone.
Dindu.
Yeah, it's the n-word.
It is a name for somebody.
Oh, that's right, you said that on the show, huh?
Yeah, I did.
Fucking so fucked up.
It's like the 4chan n-word.
I'm trolling myself.
I mean, the n-word is the 4chan n-word, but it's the other one.
It's the racist version of code switching.
Juan Quixote says, look, Mueller and company are fighting for their lives.
They know they too will be investigated and indicted.
It is a race on who gets indicted first.
So Trump and company stop whining and griping.
Use all legal means to indict Mueller and company.
We have heard so much information about their criminal activities.
Why are no actions being taken?
Go for it.
This is a race on who gets found guilty first.
And I love that, yeah, it's just like a fucking quick-draw standoff as to who can file papers on the other one first.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, who can get through the bureaucracy quicker?
You can win on a technicality.
And if you know people that work in that office, you can get stuff done a little quicker.
Nepotism, bro.
Yeah, nepotism comes in play.
And you only get, like, three cartridges of printer ink, and once you're out, like, you're out.
I like that.
Yeah, and you gotta, like, beg the people in your office, give me another cartridge!
Like before you get indicted, you know?
And instead of slamming heroin, you're taking the needle and just pulling the ink out of the cartridge and putting some in your cartridge?
Yeah, I was doing like a quick in the dead reference where like...
Russell Crowe is only given one bullet to do the duel and it like misfires and so he has to like beg the audience for more bullets and it's like it's like he was a priest who had tried to like give up his violent past and now he's begging for a bullet to kill his opponent with and it's like his lowest moment and it's like about how society's ground him down to this point you know and that's just kind of how I imagine Trump.
I can't wait to watch that again under this entirely different light.
Dude, Quick and the Dead is amazing.
It is amazing.
It's so corny, but it's Sam Raimi doing a western.
Whoa.
Yeah.
It's great, yeah.
It's like all the wonky Dutch zooms that Raimi does, but while Leonardo DiCaprio Is it Leo DiCaprio?
I think so, yeah.
He's in that?
Yeah, he's young as fuck.
It's like Leo DiCaprio facing off with Gene Hackman and it's like zooming in on each of their eyes.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, it's an amazingly corny movie.
Mother and company.
Yeah, okay, and this comment just gets to like...
This line right here.
We have heard so much information about their criminal activities.
Why are no actions being taken?
Um, because it's all fucking hearsay.
Yeah, it's all fake.
Like, it's all just memes.
You're just like reading the comment section too much like we are.
And to be fair, there has been some conspiracies that have come to light, you know, in the last ten years.
Like the NSA, shit like that.
So, I mean, but I'm not going to give the benefit of the doubt to anybody here.
Well, that's not what he's... I mean, Mueller hasn't been named in any of those, like, in any wrongdoings that I'm aware of, like, officially.
Like, even Republican members of Congress are like, no, Mueller is a vet.
No, he's a good... Mueller is a Republican.
Like, he's literally a Republican veteran.
Like, there's not much that, you know, somebody in the public sphere can actually say badly about him.
Didn't he fight for black people, too, in the 60s or something like that?
Is that this guy?
I think you might be thinking of the guy who Won the Alabama Senate race.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
What's his name?
Yeah Yeah, we forgot anyway.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's they forget that he's on the same team.
He's with When it comes down to it, a lot of things are on the same page.
It's just so obvious.
All the shit that Trump is doing is so fucking illegal and they're lucky that there's not a Democratic Congress because Trump is going to be fucking impeached the second there's a Democratic Congress.
Trump is just stupid.
He's just doing illegal shit and stupid about it.
Like, Hillary Clinton did illegal shit, but she was smart about it most of the time.
Yeah.
And, uh, that's what happens when you're such a fucking dummy and you telegraph your crimes on national television or on Twitter.
Like, this is what happens.
Yeah, all of this that we're seeing right now is just a mere formality.
They just have to do it, they have to, you know, build a whole case, because they can't mess it up, because you only get one shot at this kind of thing.
Like, dude literally... But this is a formality.
Dude literally fired...
Comey, and then said he fired Comey to stop the investigation.
Yeah.
That's like the definition of obstruction of justice.
Yeah.
And he only said that because he's fucking stupid.
Yeah.
And like he offered it.
Like nobody even asked him if he fired him to stop the investigation.
Hey man, Trump's just shaking things up.
Yeah.
Okay.
You can't incriminate yourself though.
Everyone knows that.
Okay, so obviously we ran very long in this episode, but we did record an entire second episode on the Facebook testimony and the response to that.
So I think we're just gonna release that on Friday, I guess.
▲
Export Selection