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Dec. 24, 2023 - Lionel Nation
53:16
Christmas Delusions 2023: Choreographed Hallucinations and Self-Deception
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You know, my friends, as we look to...
This Christmas thing again, there's so much I want to tell you.
I want this to be upbeat.
I want this to be upbeat and everything.
This is called, however, Christmas Delusions 2023.
Choreographed hallucinations and self-deception.
And the reason why I'm thinking about this is I've got to set this scene.
I think I told you about this.
Maybe I didn't.
Last night, Mrs. Eldon and I were doing a Christmas party.
And I think I've told you.
I'd rather lop off a limb with a spork than go to a Christmas party, especially now.
For some reason, I don't know at what year...
Look, if you're going to go to a party and you're going to get drunk, go ahead.
It doesn't matter what the party is.
It doesn't even matter.
It could be a Tupperware party and you're having a great time because you're gassed out of your mind.
But I'm not gas out of my mind, and I'm forced to take it without any kind of hallucinogenics or any kind of drugs.
So that's the problem, because there's a lot to be said for being drunk out of your mind.
I mean, people always talk about, well, you know, you've got to get off of drugs, and it's true.
Well, you know, you really should be sober, and I think it's a good idea.
However, you will find out how boring people are, because some people are only good if you're drunk.
Because they offer nothing.
Thank you.
They offer nothing.
They offer nothing, and you're stuck.
And the only way you can possibly get through it is if you're gooned, if you're waxed.
But anyway, so as I'm watching this thing, and I'm sitting in this apartment, Upper East Side, I'm looking around, and these people find themselves as being, again, Republicans and being hip.
I'm thinking, you stupid bastards don't know what you're even...
What's going to happen?
You don't understand it.
You don't get it because you're so goddamn stuck on this Fox News sense of superiority.
I don't know what it is, but you're going to find out.
You're going to find out big time.
That's why I gotta share this with you.
I love you to death.
I think you're terrific.
But I gotta share.
The biggest a-hole, the biggest cloaca now is Douglas Murray.
They're dragging out all the time to go after Finkelstein.
Who is Douglas Murray?
When did Douglas Murray become...
Is this a Republican party?
He called Norman Finkelstein a psychopath?
Look.
It's time.
We're done.
America...
Good luck figuring out Israel and Palestine.
No help from me, okay?
I've already been through that.
It's a waste of time.
Nobody's interested because they see it their own way.
I'm telling you, that's that.
There was a story today in Drudge that was so terrific about how Very frankly, and this is the most important, how Sam Altman is going to be the Silicon Valley genius.
I told you this before.
I've told you.
Maybe you've just joined me now for the first time.
AI, AGI is going to be the biggest story anybody has even remotely even seen or understood in the history of mankind.
Nobody can understand it because people are stupid.
They don't understand it.
They can't grasp it.
They can't grasp.
They can't keep Israel and Palestine separated.
They can't understand two concomitant, seemingly inconsistent modalities of thought without losing their mind.
So how in hell are they going to understand artificial general intelligence?
It's the story of our...
It is the existential story of all time, and they simply don't get it.
They don't get it.
But let me stop for a second.
You sit back, my friend.
Relax.
I've got a couple of stories.
I've got a couple of sponsors.
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This is Christmas Eve Eve.
This is the eve before the eve of the Christmas thing.
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I gotta tell you about these parties.
This is so interesting.
And by the way, people who try to have parties, they mean well.
They mean deep down inside.
They mean well.
And everybody who has a party thinks they're the best parties there are.
Every host thinks, is this great or what?
And you don't have the heart to tell them.
But it's one of those ones where I'm telling you the truth.
And everything I'm telling you regarding parties I think is interesting.
First of all, Christmas is dead.
I shouldn't say it.
Christmas is dead.
We're driving around tonight.
We have the best food planned.
The best.
Mrs. Ellick, by the way, tomorrow night's special guest.
Our annual Christmas Eve and then our Christmas celebration or hello or whatever.
It's going to be the best stuff there is.
There's so much great, great, great food and none of it is this crap that people eat.
And you can really eat well.
I mean, really eat well.
That's some of the best stuff ever.
But nobody even cares.
I have a friend of mine who has gained so much weight this year, and you don't want to say anything.
And he said, you know, I don't understand it.
I said, what do you mean?
I don't understand it.
I said, well...
You know, it's funny.
You know, you get older.
What?
I said, well, you know, you get older and you don't have the same metabolism anymore.
Plus, you can't eat 10 o 'clock at night.
You know that, right?
You can't eat 10 o 'clock at night and go to bed.
You know that, right?
You're not European.
Sorry!
And the European people, I mean, they may, you know, they may, you know, eat 11 o 'clock at night, but it's just not good for you.
You just can't do this.
Plus, you eat complete crap, you don't exercise, and you're eating crap.
And it's not like there's this mystery.
I don't want people to say, why am I eating?
I don't understand it.
What's going on?
Because you're eating crap.
You don't move and eat 11 o 'clock at night.
Eat 11 o 'clock at night.
I got this.
What time do you get done eating?
I said, what do you mean?
What time do you stop eating?
I said, about, oh, before noon.
What?
I said, before noon, I'm done.
You're done?
I said, I'm done.
You're done eating?
I'm done.
What about dinner?
I've had dinner.
I eat about five.
5 a.m., breakfast, bigger, I'm done.
He looked at me like, you don't understand it.
Excuse me, you're the one 100 pounds overweight.
You should be asking me, how do you do this?
Because what you're doing is not working.
You have this clock idea.
You're not going to starve to death.
You could stop eating for three years, and believe me, you wouldn't become close to starving to death.
This is the way, this is, people can't even understand eating.
How are they going to understand Gaza?
And plus, when you're at the...
I gotta tell you something.
You're at this party.
This is the most incredible thing.
I gotta tell you this story.
I told you about it.
We're in this room.
It's very nice.
We're crowded and it's hot.
There's no windows open.
Open the window.
Open the window.
We can't open the window.
Why?
It's too cold.
Too cold over there, but I'm sweating.
I'm schvitzing like a...
Well, there's an expression.
I'm not gonna say it, but...
My mother...
My mother...
Anyway.
So I'm like this.
And I'm thinking, what is going on here?
And we can't move.
We cannot move.
So I'm sitting, and guess what I'm sitting next to?
I said, there's a piano here.
He goes, yeah.
I said, the piano player is going to play.
I said, piano player?
You're kidding me.
We're in this little apartment.
Piano player?
There's no piano.
Come on.
Really?
I said, this, I don't know if the sound gets, first of all, this is going to be, sure enough.
But not just a piano player, I told you.
A piano player like somebody who played in a Vienna beer hall during the war.
I feel like invading a country.
I'm dreaming.
Let's charge!
Get the Cossacks!
Get them!
You know, Jingle Bell!
Hey!
I'm saluting this march.
You say, my God, this is the most violent, the most militaristic, this is the most, my God, listen to this woman's...
It's just incredible.
Can we talk to people?
This one guy kept hitting me.
You like radio?
And I grabbed him.
I said, you touched me one more time.
I swear to God, people here or not, I promise you, I'm taking you down.
And I know exactly what I'm doing.
I said, and believe me, it will not be from any activity you see me here.
I said, you can't go up and you can't hit people to punctuate your bad jokes.
I was furious.
I was going to snap his knee in some kind of weird Muay Thai Krav Maga And also smash his testicles on the way down to make him, if I got to go to prison, it'll be worth it, but at least he's crippled for having gone like this to me.
There's something about this, huh?
You like that?
Huh?
Why do people do that?
Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the voice of reason.
You know him, you love him.
Mr. Eric Thaddeus Walter, St. Nicholas was the Bishop of Bari in Italian's boot heel in the early 4th century.
He wears red due to his penchant for fisticuffs with his beard ripping off his...
He wears red due to his penchant for fisticuffs with and beard ripping of his Aryan adversaries during First Council of Nicaea in 324 Common Era.
Oh my god.
There's a great...
By the way, there's a great...
There's a great...
And you can do this.
How do you know Santa Claus is?
And you fill in whatever ethnicity you don't like.
How do you know Santa Claus is?
Who else would wear a red suit?
Cracks me in.
Why couldn't Santa Claus be born in?
Pick your favorite place.
It doesn't matter.
Because he couldn't find three wise men in a virgin.
You know, it's funny, Eric.
You talk about this.
The guy who's not even brought up at Christmas?
St. Joseph.
St. Joseph!
St. Joseph!
This guy, what a schmuck!
The feast of St. Joseph.
Don't make me laugh.
This guy's not even mentioned.
This guy's got a dragon.
I mean, he's the most gullible saint.
Eric, am I right?
The most gullible saint ever.
The most gullible saint.
He gets no credit.
Nobody knows where he goes.
Forget about where Jesus was in the missing years.
Where'd Joseph go?
What happened?
What is it?
We have Joseph.
I imagine this.
Joseph comes home at night and says, Oh my God, Mary, what a day.
Make me a drink.
Oh God, I hate my life.
Mary, did you ever think about this?
I'm a...
I'm a carpenter in the desert.
What the hell was I thinking?
I'm a carpenter.
A carpenter?
I might as well be a yachtsman.
A carpenter?
There's no wood.
There's no trees.
What am I carpenting?
I just, you know...
Thanks, Mary.
I don't know what it is.
Everyday people walk around with my tool.
People laugh.
Hey, Joseph, fill me something.
Shut up!
Hey, once you saw something, shut up.
I know, I know.
I'm a carpenter.
Okay, all right.
It wasn't the best of me.
It seemed to make sense to me at the time.
What am I going to do?
Hey, Joseph.
What?
I'm pregnant.
Hey!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Who?
Wait, wait.
You're what?
Wait a minute.
Who is it, Mary?
Seriously, who is it?
Tell me.
It's Ezekiel, isn't it?
Remember the look he was making at you at the Christmas party?
Come on, who is it?
Tell me.
It's God.
Don't mess around with me.
I'm in no mood for this.
God?
God's the father of this, huh?
Who told you that?
Seriously, who told you?
God?
Well, not directly.
What do you mean not directly?
Gabriel.
Who's Gabriel?
The angel.
With a trumpet.
Her trumpet?
You don't understand it.
I'm not technically a virgin, but I was born without original sin.
You were born without original sin?
Since when?
I'm just telling you.
I know this.
You're not born with original sin.
You don't have original sin.
How did you miss this?
Did I miss something here?
How did you miss original sin?
When did you find out you don't have original sin?
Well, I can't give birth to the Son of God if I've got original sin.
So you never had it?
After the fact, did it?
No.
Okay.
All right.
I'm buying it.
Sure.
Okay.
Well, stranger things have happened.
You know what?
I'm going to go to the bar.
Go to the boys.
I'm going to hear the news.
Hey, guys.
Listen.
Got news for you.
Drinks on me.
Mary's going to be...
Mary's pregnant.
Great.
You're going to be a father.
Well, tactically, well, you see, it's complicated.
You see, well, the father, well, the father is God.
What?
God is a father.
People are giving him the horns.
Anyway, he bought it.
Never asked any questions.
Went from, you know, looking for, you know, can we stay here?
No, Jesus, you know.
It's a good name.
You know what's a good name?
Jesus.
Why?
That thing I say when I'm upset.
Jesus, that's a good name.
And then one day, poof!
She's gone.
She's gone.
Jesus is just gone.
Then the three magi, remember that?
Follow the star.
Have you ever followed a star?
There's no end.
You just keep following the star.
There it is.
Where the hell are we going?
Follow the star.
No, no, no.
It's like, no, the star is a million miles.
No, where are we going?
We're going that way.
For what?
To meet the man!
Son of a man!
We've got to bring up something.
What do you got?
Incense, frankincense, and myrrh.
I got the incense.
The frankincense, I...
Is that like Frankenberry?
What's myrrh?
Myrrh.
Isn't that Murray Slaughter?
Wasn't that Mary's nickname for him?
No.
Remember myrrh?
Hey, myrrh.
As a kid, I'm thinking, I don't understand.
But then when I'm in Israel, I remember I saw where they were born.
Was it Bethlehem?
And then I always get Nazareth confused.
Bethlehem, that's in Pennsylvania where Martin's guitar player is.
But there was some traveling there.
That was travel.
But once Jerusalem hit, it's all right there.
And nobody ever even talks about it.
Nobody ever even didn't even mention it.
Christmas.
So one thing about Hanukkah, you gotta hand it to the Jews.
They go, this is Hanukkah.
This is the dreidel.
There's a Hanukkah.
There's no other impossible explanation for Hanukkah.
That's it.
There's the candles.
That's Hanukkah.
Got it.
Hanukkah.
Adam Sandler.
I got it.
The dreidel.
Got it.
But Christmas, Christmas becomes X-mas.
Then it became Santa Claus, then the tree, and then the rain being near, and then all these other little ants and everything, and Christmas became kind of like, it didn't even matter.
Oh yeah, yeah, right, Jesus, right, right, forgive me, forgive me.
Yeah, yeah, that's what this is.
Want to go to Midnight Mass, huh?
Want to go to Midnight Mass?
You ever done Midnight Mass?
It's important.
I went one years ago, St. Patrick's Cathedral.
It's okay.
And I can't believe the number of people who were there who I think were kind of gassed because they came from other parties.
And I'm looking around and I'm thinking, I think I know these people.
And there's no mention today.
Not only is there no mention of Christ, there's no mention of anything.
I'm not seeing trees.
I'm not seeing...
In Brooklyn every year, this is Diker Heights.
Look it up.
It's just beautiful.
There's just...
Incredible.
These lights that people come from all over the world.
But there's hardly anything.
I don't see lights in windows.
I don't see lights.
I just don't see it.
But yet there's a big at Rockefeller Center.
People love it.
They love the tree.
But the Christian aspect of Christmas?
Forget it.
It's not even non-existent.
At least mention it.
At least mention it.
Remember Kwanzaa?
Remember when Kwanzaa came along?
What was that?
Tim says, what is Midnight Mass about?
Guess.
Guess, Timmy.
Guess.
It's Mass at midnight.
Hey!
Hey!
Mass was cool when we were kids.
Thomas was also either bread or give us our daily bread.
Mad Peace says, I've been hearing holiday conspiracies all my life.
I never really cared either way.
I celebrate with cheer anyway.
Thomas is out to give those few dollars to the children for Christmas.
Thank you, Mad Peace.
Thank you, my dear friend.
You're a good, good, good man.
All I know is, next year, I'm going to have a little recorder.
I'm going to show you the little camera, like a cop camera, so I can show you the people I've got to deal with.
You will laugh.
The obnoxious guy who hits, I'll show you him, and his obnoxious wife.
His wife, I hate her.
I hate...
People say, no, don't say the word hate.
No, no, I hate...
I hate...
She is the vilest, the most...
It's like two of the most stupid, vile, horrible people.
And wherever I go, they keep showing up and say, what is this?
What is going on with these people?
They don't know anything.
They don't understand anything.
I don't understand it.
And they all fancy themselves as Republicans.
And the Republican Party is doomed, by the way.
But you see this drudge story.
They said, you know, they're thinking about doing a Putin in.
You know, kind of like a black swan him.
You've got to read this.
I don't know who this Jadrool is.
Did you hear this story?
Putin faces black swan coups, says ex-CIA spy.
Somebody named...
Jack Devine.
I think Jack Devine has lost his mind.
It said Putin will be toppled in a Black Swan Palace coup over his standstill Ukrainian war.
What?
Fears of a coup have been lingering over Putin and the Kremlin since Mad Vlad, this is from the U.S. Sun, since Mad Vlad ordered his troops to invade Ukraine in February last year.
The Russian leader has faced an army surprise from Wagner warlord, Yevgeny Bregosian.
They don't care about him anymore.
A spate of sabotage attacks.
What are you talking about?
This is the crap that Drudge actually puts.
What?
This is the thing.
If anything else, I wish some people would take The Putin approach to Gaza is like, there's no reason to go in.
Putin says, I'm not going to go in there and level Kiev.
I'm not going to blow everything up.
What's the point of that?
I could do it.
You don't think I could take Kiev?
I don't want it.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
They even told, in fact, somebody said the other day recently, well, you know, Bibi's got to be congratulated because, you know, he could have gone in and just leveled, well, this was a while back, but he says he could just go in there and just leveled Gaza.
He never took it out.
I said, well, neither did Putin.
Well, it's different.
Well, why don't you give Putin a couple of points?
No, no, no.
Putin's losing steam.
Losing steam?
He didn't even use any of his army.
What are you talking about?
They're just making this shit up.
I mean, it's the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my life.
Russia's saying, take, we'll get to it.
Putin says, I'm not going to send in Russian troops and do a meat grinder.
For what?
Ukraine, you know how many people have died?
It's horrible.
Half a million, a million.
Nobody knows.
But they print this insanity in drudge, and it's such a lie.
And the latest thing is, what is with this Douglas Murray?
What happened to him?
Pierce is hilarious.
Douglas, yes.
This is Pierce.
By the way, you're frightfully good.
You're wonderful.
Yes.
I do so love your pieces.
We do with Norman Finkelstein.
Yes.
The way you called him psychopathic is wonderful.
Yes, you're wonderful.
Could we have you on again?
Yes.
Because this sure beats me having to work for a living.
I just put you on.
Maybe we could put that greasy, sweaty, fat, bilious.
Though sometimes...
Accidentally, perhaps, on point.
That junk yogurt.
Would you like to go on with him?
Oh, he's wonderful.
He shakes and his double chin, his doulap wobbles when he shakes his fist.
This big, beefy, obese, corpulent bowl of bone marrow jiggling.
Oh, yes, it's wonderful.
Would you do this again, please?
It's fantastic.
Fantastic.
We could have these wonderful people on, shall we?
Yes, yes, yes.
Eric Daniels Walter says, I'll try to be less grim, reaper-ish, if you and Mrs. L are on tomorrow.
The 3rd century, Tertullian's ideal of celestial paradise was peering down from heaven and gloating over the damned in hell.
You are so wonderfully wicked.
Yes, yes, yet you were the master of historicity.
And you're also so able to remind us of how horrid, horrid reality really is.
And if you look at the church and hell and damnation, it's wonderful.
They won't ever understand.
How about, Eric, my favorite?
Remember when I was in Catholic school, I went to a place called St. Lawrence.
And we had St. Lawrence of Rome.
And St. Lawrence, I remember the time we were in school, these children, we actually had these Irish nuns.
It's time for me to teach you a little bit of a catechism.
Thank you, Sister Travence and Anne.
Yes, today we're going to talk about our namesake, St. Lawrence, Rome, Roma.
You see, he was a martyr.
He was a martyr.
What they did was they put him upside down on a gridiron and they burned the shite out of him.
They barbecued him as a martyr.
Sister, what is it there, Jerry?
Sister wants a martyr.
Jerry, a martyr is a person who was killed, destroyed, and tortured, and eyes poked on, and it's the most horrific, horrible death ever for basically believing in what I'm asking you to believe in right now.
What?
You see, what I'm asking you to believe in is the Lord Jesus Christ, right?
Right.
And so did your man St. Paul.
He did the same thing.
And they burned that shite out of him.
They burned it, tortured the bejesus out of him.
They burned him.
But here's the funny thing.
The funny thing?
I know you're going to love this.
This is a true story.
Your man St. Lawrence, when he was being fried to a crispy critter, he said, excuse me, would you mind turning me over?
I'm done on this side.
That's true.
Look it up.
He actually said, I'm done on this side.
How do you like that one?
Is that right, children?
So, what do you think about your Catholic church now?
I can't wait to be a Catholic because should we tell anybody we're Catholic?
Oh, most definitely.
Yes.
You're going to tell everybody you're Catholic like your mom St. Lawrence did.
But they tortured him.
I know.
That's why he's a martyr.
And we want you to do the same thing for us.
What do you say?
What are you, seven years old?
Yeah, come on.
What's a little torture for you?
In the name of the Lord, Jesus.
And children, as you know, we have a...
It's a true story.
Mr. Tim S. is right.
We have the first communion coming up.
And we're going to pick up where we left off when you were baptized because you don't remember anything because you were a wee baby.
You're a wee lad and we've taught a wee baby.
And we're going to ask you questions about whether you renounce Satan.
What?
Whether you renounce Satan.
What does renounce mean?
Don't act stupid, Jerry.
I always ask you stupid.
No, I don't know.
What is renounce?
We're asking you whether you turn down, whether you turn your back, whether you're renouncing Satan.
You've got to renounce Satan.
That's what the whole thing about the communion is.
You've got to renounce Satan.
Unless you're going to burn like a bastard for the rest of us.
Or, or, or you'll burn momentarily like your man St. Lawrence did.
But then if you don't do that, you'll burn forever from hell and fire and burning big bull.
Oh, God.
So do you renounce Satan or not?
Yeah, sure.
I'm seven years old.
It doesn't matter how old you are.
It's certain.
Did you renounce them?
Yes.
Good.
So when we ask you if you renounce them, you say yes, you do.
You got that?
Good.
Now it's time for a confession.
What?
Confession.
Confess your sins, Jerry.
It's time for you to confess your sins.
And don't give me the shite about all I'm seven years old and I haven't done anything.
You've done a lot.
You've sinned.
You've sinned.
You've committed mortal sins.
Don't you understand that, Jerry?
And you're going to go out there, and you're going to go into that room there, in that room, in that dark, musty, what you call it, your little room there where you do your confessions, and you go there and you kneel down, and you wait, and you wait, and all of a sudden this door kind of slides over, and you can see to this opaque.
Kind of beeswax, light, and the light goes on.
In your mind, the father says, Hello, my child.
Hello, father.
Hello, father.
Not the berry mug.
Anyway.
You see, bless me, father, I have sinned.
It's been never, because this is my first confession, that these are my sins.
I touched myself.
What do you say?
You're seven years old.
George Carlin's, one of his best things was when they had, and this is a true story, we had Father, he had Father Rivera, but we had a guy named Father Jose or something, a guy who did not speak English.
And he came, I don't know what program he came from, where he came from.
But you can go and you could tell him anything and he didn't know what the hell you were saying.
So people who were rather reluctant and rather loathed to, what was it, Carlin said, ah, bless me, Father.
I touch myself in an impure manner.
You know, you could say whatever.
No problem.
I love that.
Ah, confessional.
And these poor kids today, I don't know if they have that fun today.
I don't know if they have that fun.
I don't know if they have any of that.
I never really, I never thought, I don't know what the hell I ever did.
Is it a sin?
Mortal sins?
Anyway.
But if there is a God, as many people believe there is, and if God believes in vengeance and Anger?
God will unleash a ration of you-know-what, the likes of which you will never, ever, ever be able to understand looking at what we have done and mankind has done.
What do you think?
What do you think God's doing with your man Hitler?
Huh?
What do you think he's doing about that one?
You think God's going to let Hitler forget that one?
Oh, look at that!
Hitler!
What are you doing there?
Now, don't give me the shite of, well, I confess.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That doesn't count.
Oh, look, we've got something special for you.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Especially one.
We're going to have to teach you a lesson, if that's possible.
There was a...
When we were a kid, there was a story.
Somebody told us this joke.
I got it, but my friends didn't.
The guy goes to hell, and one of the demons meets him or whatever.
He says, all right, welcome to hell.
He says, listen, you've got three basic stations you can select.
You've got station one.
You can basically push this ball, this rock, this Sisyphus, up the mountain forever.
And then it's slippery, and then the rock slides, and he slides down, and there's boiling oil and water, and he's boiling, and then he can maybe get out again, and maybe try to push the rock.
You just can't get out of the boiling oil, but you've got to push the rock.
And then if something slips, you get back into the boiling.
And this is forever.
This is for eternity.
That's number one.
What do you think of that?
Well, not too crazy, but no.
Number two is, well, this one you gotta hear.
This is just, and there's just people screaming and being whipped.
It's just, you can't even put it into words.
It's just so horrible.
That's the second option.
That's an option?
People pick this?
Well, what's the third, he says?
Well, third's different.
He looks and everybody is up to here in...
Waste.
Human, animal, you name it.
Up to here.
Up to their neck.
And they're passing around a little cup of coffee and donuts like this.
With their heads up like this.
And they're drinking like this with human waste up to here.
Not to my screen, but this is it.
And he said, I don't know what the hell that is.
I have no idea what they're doing, but you know what?
It's got to be better than one or two.
All right, I'll do that one.
So he wades out in the middle, and just as he's about to get the coffee, somebody says, all right, coffee breaks over, everybody back down on your knees.
I remember laughing as a kid, and nobody got it.
I don't know, I thought, it's so obvious, you know, the irony.
It's like there's always these, you remember this one, but first, bula bula, or death by bula bula.
Remember that one where the cannibals get you?
And I remember as a kid, it just never made any sense to me.
God is loving.
God is kind.
Who are these people?
Who are these people who are subjected to this?
What did they possibly do?
Everybody else who bypassed this went to confession.
Hmm.
Sounds like a good deal to me.
I go to confession.
Or right before they died, they said, I'm sorry!
And then died.
Maybe.
Well, who are these people?
These bastards didn't get the memo.
Or maybe they were born before Jesus, I guess.
I don't know.
This was the fun part.
This was the fun part.
This was the fun part about Catholic school.
It was these weird stories of torture and death and devils.
And it was really good to love the devil.
Just like, oh my.
God!
Eternity and martyrdom.
But imagine you go to St. Lawrence School.
Listen to what I'm saying.
And the story of St. Lawrence is a guy who was burned to death on a grill and said, through some weird sense of humor, as he's being burned and fried to death, he says, turn me over.
I'm done on this side.
You're in the second grade.
What is this?
Who are these people?
What the hell is going on here?
I mean, take that, Jews.
You got one of those Muslims?
I don't think so.
Even, you know, come on, regular people.
This is why religion is wonderful.
It's the best thing in the world.
And people sit there and say, that's true.
That's absolutely true.
And it teaches you later on.
So when you hear stuff about, you know, Donald Trump not being eligible because he supposedly...
I can handle anything.
Any kind of fiction you can imagine, I can handle.
I can handle because I'm used to complete and total utter shite.
You understand this?
Edward went to CCD.
You need a photographic memory to go to confession.
Not really.
It's one of those things where, listen, it taught me a lot about people finding, how do I say this, people who find pleasure in religious belief, and I'm not one to sit there and say what is and it doesn't make sense.
But I'll tell you one thing that's important right now, as we go from hell, you know what hell would be?
Hell would be having all stores, all chains, all distribution chains closed.
Closed!
And you couldn't buy food.
We were in a Whole Foods today.
And I'm thinking to myself, what if something, where would these people go?
What would happen?
All of this is just a truck.
A truck brought this.
That's all it is.
There's nothing special about this.
What if something went closed down for a week?
What would people do?
What would they do?
Well, if they would have listened to me, they would have gone to preparewithlionel.com and known about this.
They can't handle the truth, but you can.
The truth is the clowns running this joint live for chaos.
And many of our problems could be solved overnight, but they let them be.
Destruction fuels them.
If you can handle that truth, you need to visit my website, preparewithlionel.com.
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One more time.
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Before total chaos ensues.
I was very sad tonight when I saw that one of the founding members of the Dixie Chicks was killed in this head-on collision.
Did you see this?
It's very, very sad.
Do you remember Dixie Chicks before Natalie Maynes came along?
Her name was Laura Lynch.
I remember when they were when they first started they were Great!
I mean, they were real honest to God.
They had a western twang.
She played the bass.
And then Natalie Maines came along with her big mouth.
Ruined everything.
With her I don't like Trump thing.
But I can't believe how many stories.
How many people.
Not that it's not important.
It is important.
But how many people are saying, this founding member of the time.
It's very, very interesting.
Very, very interesting.
Very, very sad.
Very, very sad indeed.
Because believe it or not, before Natalie Maines, they were great.
And then Big Mouth came along and just ruined it for everybody.
Okay?
That's what it goes to show you.
Sometimes things work, sometimes things...
I thought people...
I mean, if you're not really sure, look at Kathy Griffin.
She mentioned, she showed that beheaded picture of Trump ruined her career.
I thought people hated Trump.
But sometimes they hate you even more.
It's a very weird thing.
Anyway, dear friends, look at this, my friend.
Here's our good friend, Eric, who says, every church in Roma has a gaggle of little old ladies near the quasi-deaf priest confessional.
How many times did you pleasure yourself in the last week reverberates off to the marbled interiors?
Remember this one, Eric, where somebody says, he said, bless me, Father, I had extramarital affairs, torrid extramarital affairs with one of the parishioners.
And the priest says, well, is it Mrs. Murphy?
He says, Father, I can't, I can't, I mean, I can't.
Give up a name.
I did it.
Was it Mrs. Taylor?
Look, Father, I'm telling you right now.
No, it's not Mrs. Taylor, but I can't tell you.
Anyway, so the story goes on.
The punchline is something to the effect of what did you find out?
Well, I knocked it down to a few possibilities or something.
By the way, here's the worst.
This is the worst.
This yoga that was actually kind of funny.
There's a first brief.
First confessional, he says, what do I do?
The old priest says, no problem.
You sit here.
He says, just turn on the line.
He says, whatever the sin is, you've got the penance over here.
Yeah, it does.
You're touching yourself.
You know, Hail Mary, one Hail Mary, two Our Fathers.
It's all pretty much right there, and you can kind of figure it out.
So he says, okay, fine.
So he sits here, and he says, how easy can that be?
How hard can that be?
He gets his first taker.
He says, welcome, my son.
He says, bless me, Father, and I have sin.
It's been two weeks in my last confession.
I got a BJ.
What?
I got a BJ.
You know, BJ.
Okay, just a second.
And he looks.
He's looking for a BJ.
No, no reference to BJ.
He says, excuse me for one second.
So he leans over, knocks on the door.
The old priest says, yeah, what is it?
He goes, Father, how much for a BJ?
Five, six bucks, depending on where you go.
As kids, we thought that was the funniest thing anybody ever said.
Let me also say something very, very, very, very important that I say this.
And you've got to believe me.
You've got to take it from my word.
And I cannot speak for anybody in the entire rest of the Catholic Church or any other part of the jurisdiction or any other part of the country where I grew up.
From kindergarten, grade school, high school.
Not only was I never hit by anyone, slapped.
Smacked fingers, rulers, nothing.
We never heard of any physical, corporal, or sexual contact whatsoever.
Never heard of it.
And if we'd have heard of it, they would have been talking about it.
Never.
In my 65 years, having talked to friends of mine, I said, did you ever hear about that?
He said, no.
Now, after the fact, turns out, after we were well graduated, The Jesuit group who was a Jesuit high school said this father was sent off here and he had some problems later on.
Not with us!
So we knew teachers or priests who might have had problems before but we never had it.
Never heard of it.
Never, ever, ever heard of it.
I'm not saying it didn't happen.
I'm not saying people weren't abused.
I'm not saying any of that.
I'm saying I never saw it.
Never heard of it.
Never.
Never.
Our priests were always ex-Marines.
We had one priest who was at a prisoner of war camp.
We never could figure out which war.
Nobody even bothered to ask.
It was just like it was a POW.
Where?
What?
The Crimean War?
Boer War?
What?
Where?
World War I?
Where?
Can we hear some specifics?
No, but don't ask him.
Forearms like a honey bag ham.
We used to walk around like a bantam room.
These guys were like, really?
We had one priest who we think used to hit the saws quite a bit.
His whole thing was, God damn it!
Should he be saying that?
God damn it!
Okay, Father.
At one time, they get me.
I'll never forget this one.
He couldn't pronounce my name, but then again, I'm not going to tell him.
He goes, Labyrinth!
I said, what?
Yeah, Father.
What do you got in your right hand?
He says, nothing.
I said, what do you got in your right hand?
I said, Father, I swear to God, nothing.
He goes, look, look.
He goes, that's right.
Put a pen in it.
Take notes, God damn it.
And I'm like this, no, nothing.
Look, you know.
That was it.
It was fun.
It was like you had these real tough like Marine Corps.
We had a guy, a teacher, a lay teacher's name was Paul Straub.
Paul Straub lost both legs, both legs in, he was a Marine, I don't think it was a Marine, it might have been a training, I don't know what it was, but he lost both legs.
Double amputee.
Some knew it, some didn't.
He had a very interesting walk, but he was all barrel, all body shape.
And he was shot.
Shot or something.
I don't know what this thing was.
But there was like a pad of skin or something.
And his fingers would do this.
As he would go, are you talking like this?
And he's doing like this to you.
Is he?
This guy's calling me, God damn it.
This one's going...
He goes, well, it's his hand.
What do you mean?
Well, he was shot.
Are you sure he was shot?
Because I think the guy's flipping the saw.
I'm not sure.
I'm not going to say anything.
We're talking then.
There was always this story, and he did it a couple of times, on the first day, when he said, you've got to be tough.
You know, he's like leaning against this thing, and he reaches around, and he grabs a dart.
From the drat desk, he says, you gotta be tough!
And he fires this dart into his prosthetic leg.
Now some, a lot of us knew we had a leg.
Some didn't know this.
It was because we didn't, we didn't, you know, before you go into class, nobody said, listen, by the way, this guy's gonna be going like this, be shot, I don't know, whatever.
And he's got a prosthetic leg.
And he's going to fire a dart in his leg.
So don't fall for this.
Nobody warned a lot of these kids of this.
So there you are, 1971, with a big thick tie and your hair.
And this guy says, you ought to be tough!
And he takes his thing in.
And it's in his leg.
And he keeps it there.
And these kids are...
Ask anybody from Jesuit High School in Tampa.
Paul Straub, they know the story.
Now, how many times have you seen that one?
It was the...
So, I don't know where all these...
We might have had psychological drama, perhaps.
Maybe some weird sense of whatever.
But I gotta tell you something.
It was...
It was a very...
kind of a fun...
Very rough.
And anybody who acted the least bit sissified or...
It inspired this kind of a collective sense of manliness.
As this guy's got a dart in his leg.
Now I know you think I'm kidding.
You think I'm thinking he doesn't mean that.
I mean a dart.
You know, like a dart.
I'm going to pull it in his leg.
And it puts it back in.
So there you go.
Think about me when you're in church or if you're whenever something's happening.
And I'm telling you, you're going to be doing something tomorrow and that dart story is going to pop into your mind and you're going to thank me for it.
All right, dear friends, we love you.
Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy evening.
Thank you for sharing this moment with us.
We'll be back tomorrow on Christmas Eve.
We love you.
We thank you.
And we're so happy to be here and appreciate your support and your kindness and just your heart.
Your heart.
Your mind is shot, but your heart is solid.
Until tomorrow, my friends.
Remember, the monkey said the show's over.
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