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Nov. 11, 2023 - Lionel Nation
01:10:55
What Will America Look Like in 2024 If Biden's Team Wins?

What Will America Look Like in 2024 If Biden's Team Wins?

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If we can find out why people think the way they do, we can run the world.
We can change anything.
Anything.
If I find out what it is that makes somebody look at Biden, Look at Rashida Tlaib.
Look at Trump.
Look at Liverwurst.
Whatever it is.
If I can find out what is it that makes people think the way they do, I'm in.
We are going to change the world.
99% of what we are doing right now is discussing psychology.
The way the brain works.
The way you...
Feel a degree of, for lack of a better word, justification or reward for thinking certain things.
Does that make any sense to you?
I hope it does.
The reason why you are a, and I'm just going to say it, let's say you are a conservative.
You proudly say you are a conservative.
You tell people you are a conservative.
You vote Republican because you...
Why?
Because of something in your head.
Something in the way you think.
Something in the way you think and comprehend.
That's the issue.
That's the issue.
I find it fascinating.
That's the issue.
Recently, I saw somebody who sent some pictures.
I saw some pictures.
They were on a cruise.
And they looked very happy.
And I thought to myself, what is it that's making them happy?
What is it that's making them happy?
Is it the cruise?
No.
Is it the particular port of call?
No.
Is it the ship line?
No.
Is it the time of day?
No.
Well, what is it?
They were obviously happy.
They were at a place that was nice, kind of island-esque.
What is it that was making them happy?
Everybody else around them were happy.
What was it?
And the answer was, because their brain was telling them they were happy.
Because their brain said, this is happy.
Not because it was happy, because there's nothing great about it, but it's what their brain said.
They said, this is happy.
And if I could take that brain, and if I could take this, my particular thing here, and I could say, I'm going to take this as a human brain, and I'm going to run, I'm going to run kind of a sensory unit in the brain of this person, and I'm going to run this.
And I'm going to find out what particular chemicals were released, what parts of the brain fired, when they said they were happy.
I want to take that data, and I'm going to plug it into a computer, and I want to say, now I'm going to go in, and I'm going to artificially, I've already wired your brains, I've wired the particular circuitry for those areas, and I'm going to give you this button.
And you just do this.
And when you do that, you turn it on or off, you will feel happy.
You will feel like you did in that picture.
Whatever you're doing, wherever you are, whatever the event, whether it's warranted or not, you could be in church, you could be at work, you could be stuck in a park, it doesn't matter.
Go like that.
And it kicks in.
And you will love...
What you're doing.
And you might get to the point where you're so confused, you might think, is it the thing that I'm doing that I love?
Or am I artificially creating it?
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What is it that defines amusement?
What is it that defines love and hate and detestation?
What is it?
When you say you like Donald Trump or don't like Donald Trump or like Biden, what is it that's making you do that?
Is it because of your incredible assessment of the facts?
Because of your assiduous appraisal of everything?
No.
It's something going on in your brain.
Some reaction.
Something.
And that's the only reason.
And if I could figure out why.
If I could do it, I swear to God, I would be not only the richest person, but I would know exactly why it is that you think this and somebody else thinks it.
All of us have people in our family, right?
You've got people.
Don't you have friends of yours, relatives, maybe even a spouse?
Probably not, but it could be a spouse.
Somebody who is completely politically antithetical to you.
Why are they the way that is?
Why?
Why do you think that is?
And I ask that question.
What I'm telling you right now, I've asked people, and you should see the looks I get on people's faces.
They're looking at me and they say, what are you saying?
What am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to think about this?
Yeah, why am I going to think about this?
Because it's a hypothetical.
Because it's fun to think.
It's fun to think?
Yes, it's fun to think.
Not fun it is to think this, but I don't know.
That's what most people say, but I don't know.
Oh my God.
Don't you love the way it's just a great question?
What is it?
When you listen to something, when you say, you know, this guy, Trump is great, I hope he wins, and I, you know, what is it?
What, do you just, are you just smarter than people?
Is that it?
Why doesn't somebody, there's very smart people who detest Trump.
Why?
We'll never know.
Here's the thing which is also the most interesting.
If I could figure out artificially how we can do something, if I can say, I know, I got it.
People who like Biden, Democrats, have their particular, this particular brain fires differently here, here, right here.
This is the part.
We have mapped the political ideology part of it.
This is firing here.
And we can artificially create a way in which people will see it one way or the other.
And it has nothing to do with anything that you would think.
Liberals consider themselves to be fueled by some kind of empathy.
And Republicans say, well, they're into law and order and good and freedom.
And listen, listen to the way they speak.
Republicans, what do they say about this country and about freedom and rights and wrong and liberty and justice and God and very, very kind of moralistic.
You know, if you think about it, we want crime, we don't want crime.
It's the rules, damn it, the rules.
Don't pay taxes.
Quit helping those people.
They're a bunch of bums, a bunch of welfare bums, a bunch of bums.
Who are these people invading our people?
God damn it.
They're invading our...
These people are sick!
They're crazy!
Think about it.
Think about it.
Oh, by the way, dear friends, I want you to try something for me.
For those of you who have been suggesting repeatedly that you have not been able to either super chat or comment as a particular ideology or ideations or thoughts or particular words, Because of what appears to be some type of prohibition on the part of some kind of, you know, rule, some YouTube rule or something.
Try using a VPN.
VPNs, I think, are the greatest thing in the world, and I don't know if you've ever used them before.
I don't know if you've ever thought about using them before, but somebody suggested this today, and I think it's very interesting.
Use a VPN from another country.
Another country.
Not another country, but another country.
See what happens.
See what you are allowed to say.
See what you are allowed to say specifically.
Think about this.
I know people who get better airline ticket rates if they have a VPN that says, you're not in Salt Lake City, you're in Lisbon.
That's where you are.
You're in Lisbon.
Oh, I think that's the greatest thing in the world.
VPN is such a...
It's wonderful.
Where is he?
I don't know.
He's not in France.
He's here.
But that's not what it says.
Well, it's wrong.
So think about that one.
Think about that one, okay?
Think about that one.
Now, let me ask you something.
When you see somebody...
And listen to me.
I know this is not your cup of tea, but damn it, you're going to do it.
When you know somebody or see somebody who thinks in a way different than you, what is it about them?
Tell me why they think differently and how can we change their mind?
I'm tired of all this bullshit.
Oh, we're going to go to Fox News.
That's not it.
How do I affect people's way of thinking?
I told you before.
I got this very nice picture.
We have these friends.
They're on a cruise.
Look, they're on this island.
They're happy.
Is it because of the island?
No.
Why are they happy?
Because it could be a variety of things.
I don't know.
It's not the reason that's important.
It's the part of the brain.
It's that part that's firing.
Not the reason.
Not the reason.
I've got some...
You can't believe the people that I know who are like crazy and they react to stuff that's so crazy.
It's not the situation that makes it, it's their brain.
It's the way you think.
Why do you think smart people are smart and dumb people are dumb?
Aside from people who are organically, neurologically dispossessed of the ability to think deeply or compute or whatever it is, why do you think, what makes smart people smart?
And do we want smart people in our group of people?
Do we want to target smart people?
Yes or no?
Do you?
I'm throwing a lot of questions at you.
I want you to think about this.
Do you want to deal with smart people or dumb people?
I want to deal with dumb people.
I don't want smart people.
No way.
I want to lead people.
I want them to do what I say.
I'm trying to change the world.
I don't care about what they think.
I want them to do what I want.
I'm not sitting here.
I don't want a democracy.
I want to be a tyrant, but a benevolent tyrant.
I want the world to go the way I think it should be.
Not the way you think it should be, the way I think it should be.
I don't care what you think.
I really don't.
I'm going to pretend that I do, but I really don't care.
I want you to see things my way.
So that means a couple of things.
One, I either do what you want.
B, Did I say one?
B?
Whatever.
I'm alphanumeric.
Number two, I can make you think I'm doing what you're thinking.
Make you think it's something that you agree with.
Or three, confuse you.
Next question.
You have the chance to sit down with somebody and have an extended conversation.
Not a meal, but an extended conversation with anybody in history.
Who would it be?
Who would it be?
Write it down right now.
Who?
I don't know how to use a VPN, but thanks for the advice.
No.
I will learn how to use a VPN.
I will learn how to use a VPN.
Did you see this?
I will learn.
Not, I don't know how to do it.
I will learn.
Did you see that right now?
I don't know how to do that.
I don't know how to do that.
I don't know what that word means.
I don't know the answer.
Are you going to find out?
No.
I don't know it.
I'm not used to figuring things out.
I don't figure things out.
I don't even know what a VPN is.
I'm not even sure what it is.
Are you going to find out?
No.
Are you going to find out?
No.
I'm not going to find out.
I just told you one of the greatest, you might be able to actually, you might be able to get things for different rates.
They might charge you.
You might be able to get airline tickets, let's say, cheaper if they think you're from Bug Tussle, Georgia, than Midtown Manhattan.
And also, don't you want folks not to know where you are?
Don't you want bad guys?
When you go out into public, if you're at a Starbucks or you're in an airport, and you log into some Wi-Fi, I don't even know Wi-Fi, but...
VPN.
They don't know who you are.
Who is this guy?
I don't know how to use VPN.
Are you going to find out?
No.
Are you going to learn?
No.
Are you going to Google it?
Uh-uh.
Nope.
Don't do that.
I don't do that.
One day I learned.
I said, why is my...
Why is Mike Keurig always saying to descale it?
That's a bunch of nonsense.
It's to sell the descaling or whatever it is.
But I said, what is descaling?
I don't know.
I looked it up.
I found the best YouTube video on it.
Simple.
Most people say, I don't know how to do this descaling.
If this light comes on, it says descaling.
I don't even know what it is.
You're going to look it up?
Nope.
You're going to look it up?
Uh-uh.
I don't look things up.
I either know it or I don't.
Let me ask you a question.
Who are the people?
Name the people you want to meet.
John D. You want to meet John D.?
Okay, fine.
Somebody said Disraeli.
Who are the person you want to meet?
And tell me why.
Why?
What do you think?
Oh, look at Liz.
Trust me, it's the island.
I had the same smiles when I went to Antigua.
You could not ever get me to go to Antigua.
Under any...
You will never see me on a cruise.
Ever.
You will never see me go to any place with sounds of...
If I hear steel drums...
Nope.
You know what that's called?
Artificial fun.
Okay.
Lincoln.
Okay.
Lincoln.
What would you ask Lincoln?
Now remember, you're not going to sit there and you kind of want to know certain things.
By the way, we love you, Liz.
You can go anywhere you want.
You could have fun in a phone booth.
You could have fun at a Walmart in Duluth because you're a good person.
Hillary Curtin to know evil face-to-face.
Jose Torres, not the boxer.
Jose, where have you been?
Jose, can you see?
She's not evil.
Princess Diana.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Danny Kaye, very interesting man.
You know what, Danny Kaye, you're on to something there.
Danny Kaye was one of George Carlin's influences.
I don't know if I want to learn even from Danny Kaye.
Winston Churchill, I like to drink with.
Winston Churchill is one of the most, I think, cryptically evil person who got us into more problems than you can imagine.
Very simply, I would want to talk to Hitler.
I need a translator.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
I've thought about this a million times.
I really, the answer should be Jesus to see who shows up.
I say, I want to meet God.
Well, there's no God here.
Uh-huh.
As I thought.
But if all of a sudden, who are you?
I'm Jesus.
You are kidding me.
Jesus, Jesus, yeah.
Have a seat.
Are you really Jesus?
Uh-huh.
My God.
They were right.
You know that.
But anyway.
Not Jesus or anything.
This is what, by the way, Perfide Albion, recurring rash, said, the myth of Churchill is just.
Lyndon LaRouche is spot on with this one.
I mean, spot on.
Spot on.
Anyway, what I'd like to do is, I would not even get...
My interest would be the most evil person that we talk about in the world, right?
The most evil person in the world.
I probably would never even get, maybe eventually get to the notion of, you know, the whole notion of Aryan, but liquidation of humanity and genocide.
But I'll get to that later.
That's not what I want to talk to him about.
I want to see how normal he is.
I want to show you, I want to prove he's the most normal person you've ever met in your life.
He might be a little weird, but there is nothing at all where you would say, this guy's going to grow up to be Hitler.
It is it.
Well, it is.
That's the thing.
That's my point.
And people would say, oh, no, no, no, no, because they don't want you to know how ordinary he is.
There's nothing special about him at all.
Anybody could be Hitler.
Anybody.
There's nothing great about him.
There's people, and by the way, he's not the only one.
I'm fascinated by what motivates people to do things.
That's the thing that gets me.
That's why I like serial killers.
I don't like them, but it's like, we have these urges.
I've been seeing now Matthew Perry, that the thing we talk like this, I just thought of it.
I don't feel it.
I don't know what he did, but that mouth mesmerizes me.
You have no idea.
But he talks about all the time, you know, I'm an addict.
Okay, fine.
But I would want to know, serial killers, explain to me your addiction.
And explain to me when it first hit you.
Somebody grows up saying, well, I was a bedwetter, enuresis, I tease animals, lit fires, I was an arsonist.
You know, I...
Okay.
But tell me, what do you feel like?
And I think they would all tell you, you know, it's a weird thing.
I didn't really think, I mean, I didn't...
I didn't really grow up thinking I would be like this.
But something happened.
And they all talk about that first one.
The first.
There was a guy who said two stories.
One was a tragic story of a little girl.
And we know her mother.
Horrible story.
And the fellow who ultimately...
This was so weird.
She was a little girl.
Who was delivering Girl Scout cookies to somebody in the neighborhood.
John Douglas talks about it.
And she went over to a neighbor and the mother thought, this was like in the 70s, you know, brownies across the street.
Whatever.
This was the 70s when nobody cared about that.
And he killed her.
And did other terrible things.
And he said something which I'll never forget.
He said, when she came in the door, I knew, I knew I was going to kill her.
Right there.
That, to me, is so fascinating.
The same way that, to an oncologist, how some cells can go stage 4 and some cells don't.
Some cancers metastasize, some don't.
Same thing.
Nothing interesting about him.
How did that happen?
99.999% of all people never feel that way.
Never.
There are people in prisons who are the worst humanity you have ever even imagined.
You can't even imagine them.
They've never killed anybody.
Never.
They've never felt it.
There are serial rapists who've never killed anybody.
Never!
Why did this person do this?
Then you go back to a Hitler.
What was it?
Same people like you, raised where you were, post-World War I, Treaty of Versailles, I got it.
What was this?
And how did you get so many people to either agree with you or do they already agree with you?
I'm fascinated.
Buy this.
If I sat down with somebody and I could put them on a couch and I would ask them, tell me why you hate Trump.
Moses' arrogance.
Does he remind you of somebody from your life?
Yes.
Who does he remind you of?
My father.
My brother-in-law.
My brother.
Me.
A person that is arrogant.
Or, I hate him because I wish I was Trump.
Nobody hates Trump because of his policies.
Nobody.
Nobody.
It's not about his platform.
It's Trump.
Why?
What is it?
Now, I would like to think that my particular dislike, I don't dislike Joe Biden.
I dislike the policy.
I think Joe Biden is being taken advantage of.
Anybody who tells me that they think it's a good idea to have no borders makes no sense to me.
But when you see people who don't like Trump, believe me what I'm telling you, look at me.
It's not about Trump.
It's somebody they remind him of.
Somebody.
And that person could be the prototypical, perhaps, boorish leader.
Something along those lines.
We should think about this thing very carefully because everything that we're doing, everything that we talk about is about psychology.
Everything is about the psychological reaction and the emotional reaction that people feel whenever they confront either a person or a topic.
Now, I also find it fascinating how people will look at certain disasters differently.
Some people will go nuts if you said, what would happen if all of a sudden, Stores closed and you couldn't buy food.
They would go crazy tomorrow.
They would buy everything.
They would build an entire underground bunker overnight.
Most people wouldn't do anything.
But somewhere between that two is a rational response to something that absolutely will happen.
Guaranteed.
How do people respond to that?
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Makes a lot of sense to me, but then again, who am I?
Who am I?
I'm your best friend.
You know that's true.
Now, let me ask you a question.
I want to talk about you for a moment.
I go through these things every day where I'm obsessed by something.
I have two screens.
On the left is reality.
What I'm seeing now, what we're doing right now.
And on the right is playtime.
I get to think about whatever it is I want to think about.
And today, it was so interesting.
Today, Mrs. L and I had a...
It was a very dark...
She called it raw.
She was very, very raw.
It was a raw day.
Very cold.
It was like 50 degrees, but it was freezing.
I don't know what it was.
It was dark.
It was going to rain.
So we went to this place, and there's a great Japanese joint that serves these wonderful ramen bowls.
It's just great with all kinds of stuff in there, and it's warm, and it's liquid, and it's soup, and it's wonderful.
But it's kind of like an area that has all kinds of pizza here, they've got Mexican here.
And I was looking, look at how people respond differently.
We were in the, and you can always tell when there are actual Japanese or Asian folks in the area eating.
It's always a good sign.
And I'm wondering, why is it that somebody would be attracted to this versus pizza?
Pizza in New York is just the greatest thing in the world.
And it got me going.
Who was it who said, I got an idea.
Let's mix the meat with the broth.
What do you say?
Normally we cook the stuff in the broth.
Let's have both.
That's a good idea.
Let's call it soup.
I like that.
That's a smart idea.
Another guy says, I got a better one for you.
Let's make it a little thicker.
Let's put some stuff in it.
Let's call it a chowder.
Ooh!
How about a stew?
A stew.
Now we're getting somewhere.
A consomme.
Consomme!
Broth.
Well, that's good.
It's just a great idea.
Liquid with some stuff in it.
And it's all over the world.
Every country's got liquid with stuff in it.
Then somebody figured out bread.
Every country.
Everybody says, I got an idea.
People who never even met.
Might be loving, might be unloving.
Who knows?
None.
How about the guy who sticks his head into a Tandoran?
Throws that thing over those big pillows and then pulls them up.
Every part of the world, everybody figured out bread.
One guy says, I got a good idea.
We're going to take the bread.
We're not going to...
We don't need...
We don't need instruments.
We'll eat with our hands.
I don't like that.
Ethiopian food, I love.
And you know, that bread they have, it looks like a chamois.
It's very interesting.
It's like baby food.
I'm not the biggest fan, but...
Somebody says, no, no, let's eat with our hands.
Okay.
Other person says, well, let's use it kind of as a scooping device.
Okay.
Sandwich.
Let's put stuff between it.
Two pieces of bread.
It kind of holds it.
That's brilliant.
Others say, wait a minute.
I got a better one.
Let's flatten it out and put stuff on it.
And we call it pizza.
Others say, wait a minute.
I'm close.
I got your pizza, but I'm going to add something.
I'm going to stick stuff aside.
I'm going to call it empanada.
I'm going to call it whatever it is.
I'm going to call it a...
And it's just...
Brilliant how somebody took some basic simple ideas and just varied.
And I'm wondering how it lured different people.
But here I am.
In the middle of this incredible place with Wi-Fi in this joint.
I'm eating with sticks with a big bowl.
And there's something slurping.
It's the only time you can slurp and get away with it.
And I never realized how important it is to eat in big slurps and make noise when you eat.
I know, I know.
It's hard to believe this.
Just like it's important the size of the bites that you eat.
You can't eat a piece that they eat.
To me, you've got to take a big, huge bite of stuff.
I was thinking, as I'm walking, as I'm doing, I've been thinking about this all day.
Just food.
How people just dig food and how they can...
Here in New York, people walk and eat.
I can't do that.
In Japan, by the way, that's considered very, very rude.
Everybody's everything to me I could spend an hour a day on just talking about it, just thinking about it.
And saying, look at the commonality of this.
Look at how different we are.
We all have this stuff.
And we all are just, and what happens?
This sustenance thing, it's just, anyway.
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I think they went bankrupt.
I think they went bankrupt, yeah.
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Thank you for that.
It's very, very nice of you to do that.
Okay?
So, let me go back to this.
If I can figure out what it is...
That makes people think something.
Like if I could figure out, you know why those people like those 10 doors?
Yes, not because of where they were raised.
It's a part of the brain.
Everything that you like, everything that you don't like, is because a part of your brain is firing.
Let me ask you this question.
And this is an actual, this is a true story.
This is true.
Transcranial electromagnetic stimulation.
You heard about that?
You put a hat on.
It looks like a...
God.
Like one of those bathing caps.
Did your mother ever wear a bathing cap?
What do you put that thing on for?
A skull cap?
I don't want my hair to get wet.
But you look like a killer.
They put this rubber thing on.
Anyway.
Bobby Heenan told me one time he went to a...
Halloween party with Baron von Roschke.
You know, the claw, always the claw as a German.
And he won his Daddy Warbucks and his wife was, I guess, little orphan Annie.
And he's bald.
And he shows up and he rents this thing, and he put the skull cap, the skin wig, whatever, on his head, even though he's bald.
And Bobby says, why are you doing it?
He goes, because it came with the, but you're already bald.
He said, yeah, but it came.
Anyway, they were ribbing each other constantly, which I found that to be very funny.
I still do.
So, as we look at this stuff, and as we're trying to figure out, what is it that makes people do what they do?
So they take this rubber little helmet and they have little magnets and they're able to deliberately signal certain parts of your brain.
And they're able to stimulate things artificially to make you feel something that you would not have normally felt but they can artificially stimulate.
And we also thank our friends at Burger King.
Who talk about flame grill perfection.
Thank you, Burger King.
Thank you.
I think I'm the only person who gets endorsements from Burger King and Rite Aid.
But thank you.
I appreciate that immensely.
I really do.
Burger King is a fine, fine place.
I think they went impossible, Burger, for a while.
Or tried something, which, listen, give it a shot.
Give it a shot.
So, one day, there was a story was...
There was a neurologist who was doing something, and he was doing a study on OCD behavior.
They better know where exactly is OCD behavior.
Where does it derive from?
Where is it in the brain?
How can I address it?
How can I deal with it?
How can I fix it?
How can I find it?
Where is it?
Where is this OCD behavior?
Where is it?
Well, sure is shooting, whatever that means.
As this guy is putting the headgear on, and this woman's talking about him, and he's going like, you know, and they're talking about certain things, and all of a sudden she says, oh my god, I'm in love.
I love this.
And she was, I guess her boyfriend, and he said, what the hell is this?
I love, oh my god, I never realized how much, how love, I'm in love.
And he said, I don't know if I like what I'm doing here.
This is weird.
Well, guess what he posited?
He hypothesized and posited that love is a many-splendor thing, but also love is, if you think about it, an obsessive-compulsive disorder, at least initially, when you meet somebody.
And it's not the difference between love and liking somebody, or love and being attracted to somebody.
Is that you are obsessed with this person.
It takes it to a new level.
And the idea is that this form of love is in effect obsession.
And he can not only find the part of the brain where it originates, he can artificially stimulate it and create it.
So here's the question.
Let's say there's a couple that are Going through hard times.
Maybe there was infidelity.
Maybe the relationship for reasons, you know, that makes sense.
It's on the skids.
It's slowing down.
It's decelerating.
And you go into a doctor's office and you say, give me a tune-up.
Artificially create and stimulate that part of the brain that is normally associated with feelings of love and obsession.
Is that ethical?
Meanwhile, Sears...
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Is Sears still around?
I think there's still a...
Not as a department store, maybe Sears.
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I used to like Sears.
I remember one time...
At the Sears on Hillsborough Avenue, we would come down this escalator, and they had a turkey.
They always had this turkey on this, I don't know why.
All of a sudden, it was where they showed you, you know, they had indoor, outdoor, like gas grills, and it was a rotisserie.
And it smelled, I mean, just, oh my God.
I gotta tell you this story too.
I just thought of something before we do this.
I gotta tell you this story.
Don't ask me why I thought about it.
I guess all the Matthew Perry thing.
Years ago, when I was, I guess in high school, I had a teacher.
And he, so I was, I don't know, what are you, 14, 15, whatever you start, 13, 14, when you start, anybody, it was a freshman.
And he's talking about how when he, don't ask me more, how when he's mowing the lawn, there was nothing like a cold beer.
He's telling us.
I don't, I remember that.
I don't know why.
There's something about that beer that just, you know, it's hot, mower, Florida sun.
Boy, the nice cold beer.
He's telling us this stuff.
It wasn't the whole class, but it was enough.
And it stuck.
See, I'm like this.
When I hear something, it stuck.
And the movie runs.
Always.
When I got home...
Here they are sending me to Catholic school.
And I told my mother, we got a beer.
Is there a beer here?
You got a cold beer?
I think.
And my parents always said, if you ever want a drink, you know, go ahead.
We've never done a drink.
But I said, do you have a beer?
And she's looking at me and goes, yeah, we have one from like Christmas.
You know, here, this will do.
I don't know.
You know, open it up.
And I thought to myself, this man just put in some pre-hypnotic suggestion.
I'm 14 years old and I want a beer.
Because I'm listening to him describe this with such passion and such seduction.
The cold.
I like mine with lettuce and tomato.
Heinz 57 and french fried potato.
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer.
Good God almighty.
I don't know why I thought of that.
I want to share that with you.
Here's something for you.
You ever been in a bar where they have heavy mugs, glass mugs, and lightweight plastic mugs?
You ever see somebody who gets used to picking up the heavy mug, all of a sudden they give him the lightweight and he goes like that?
Can I tell you the grossest story?
But let me just tell you right now.
I'm going to tell you a story.
I'm going to try to...
But what your mind is going to do.
But only if you want to hear it and only if you leave now before I tell you the story.
Because it may haunt you.
It may very well seriously haunt you.
But I want you to just let me know.
And if you go, I understand.
I will not feel bad.
But I want to tell you something which I saw.
And don't ask me why I'm thinking about it.
Remember, it's another movie.
The other movie is running.
And this part of the brain wants me to tell you this.
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I'm going to tell you a bad story right now.
But I saw this.
And what's interesting about it was it goes to show you how if you can explain something in a way that's fun, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.
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Years ago, on the beach, I'm a West Coast guy, and I think that's the only way to go.
And specifically, from Clearwater all the way down to Paso Grill.
West Coast, Gulf Boulevard, that's it.
Even South Pasadena, Gulfport, Paso Grill.
Reddington, the beaches.
That's West Coast, white sand, sunsets.
That's the way to go.
Okay.
When I were at a beach place, and there was a guy playing the drums.
And he had a cup.
He was doing, like, two in the back of dip snuff.
He was doing the, you know, he had the cup.
And he's playing, you know, doing his stuff.
And then during a set, he's stopping, you know, spit his stuff.
And at the end of the night, it's kind of building up.
It's not liquid.
It's kind of foamy stuff.
I don't know what it is.
It's kind of a mucosal froth.
Kind of like those foams.
Remember the old days when they would do this...
Gustatory...
Remember they had these weird places where they had foam?
They always had foam.
Slime green foam!
It tastes like...
Give me the apple, not the foam.
Anyway, but it looked kind of like that.
Foam.
And as the guy's doing this all night long, he's putting it in the riser and it's getting a nice hat on it of basically his own Spittle.
You got it?
Okay.
Towards the end of the night, during Sweet Home Alabama or Rocky Toppers, I don't know, something, some guy gets up there and he wants to sing with the band.
And they bring him on up.
And he's up there and he's got a microphone.
Yeah!
And they're playing away.
The drummer's back here.
He has his cup on the riser.
So this guy's singing.
Everybody's happy.
Somebody in the audience decides to raise their glass to thank this impromptu surprise singer who graced the entire crowd with his mellifluous voicings.
And everybody was like, yeah!
Well, he realizes he has nothing to toast with.
And he looks and he sees the riser and he sees...
A Budweiser cup, interestingly enough, with a nice little froth on top of it.
Looked like somebody just poured a nice cup of suds, right?
And we're looking at this, and it's going by very quickly, and, you know, at the time, maybe we were a bit...
Might have been over-served.
I don't know.
But anyway, we're looking at it.
I'm not really reacting to it.
It's a free country.
And we're thinking, you don't think he's going to do what I think he's going to do, do you?
No.
So anyway, he looks over and sees this, holds the cup up like, yeah!
The drummer is trying to continue playing and scream, no!
Couldn't hear.
They're not going to grab the guy.
Whatever.
For some reason, he couldn't hear.
He proceeds to take this cup and take a sip.
Let me tell you the part that got me as I remember this.
It wasn't what he did.
It's when he pulled the cup away.
There was this wonderful web of I don't know what it was but four hours worth of every conceivable body humor mixed with something And it was a nice web.
And he pulled it back like mozzarella cheese.
It was a nice strand.
And he realized right away from seeing this, suds don't work like that.
It was a moment where people looked.
And when people are horrified, they don't scream and yell.
They just stare.
They stare because they can't believe what they're seeing.
Now you're going to ask me, what made you think of that?
I have no idea.
I have no earthly idea.
But you know what also makes me think of?
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Thank you so much for that.
Is that a wonderful story?
Are you ever going to think about that, my friends?
Are you going to?
Understand that?
I may have taken too many Perkis today, Ketchup said.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Are you talking about Perkis that you're doing that?
Remember, when you go to the drugstore and there's all kinds of stickers on it that say alcohol may intensify the effect, that's not a warning, that's a direction.
If they wanted you not to drink, they would say alcohol will kill the buzz and people wouldn't drink.
But they're telling you alcohol.
And this stuff will make you...
Okay, you got that?
My friend...
My friend...
Simone is pranking Lionel.
And you know what?
And they're doing it most graciously, if that's what you're talking about.
Most graciously with wonderful super chats, and I thank them.
Prank away.
So far we have Rite Aid, Burger King, Sears, Walgreens, and Oreo.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Prank away.
Do you dig what I'm saying?
Okay.
Anyway, friends, you know, Christmas is just around the corner.
Can you, let me just say something real quick.
Can you believe this is no, like there's Thanksgiving?
Did they miss us all saying, you know, we got to talk about Thanksgiving?
I said, Thanksgiving?
What are you talking about?
I said, it's November.
I said, Thanksgiving.
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That is so good.
But can you believe this?
Now, we also have a thing right now.
You're going to love this.
Oh, my God.
Every year we do this.
If we decide, I always say, you know what?
Maybe we should just stay.
I always have the most fun when we just stay home.
But that's okay.
Sometimes you got to do your thing.
And whenever you are plant-based, people start like this.
Now, listen.
I know you can't eat.
I say, wait, hold a stop.
Nobody says I can or can't eat.
I don't.
I elect not to.
You don't tell a Muslim or a Jew who keeps kosher.
You know, I know you can't.
They say, well, I mean, they can.
They just prefer whatever.
And they always do this whole thing.
I know you can't eat this, so we'll get whatever you want.
Can you have that?
And already it makes me think, I don't want to do this.
You're making it sound like it's too much work.
Like, God forbid, you're going to buy less for me, and it's more work.
You know what you're doing there?
Yeah.
Just leave out the turkey part.
Most of it's pretty good.
I'll take it.
Yeah, but I understand you don't need this, so can you have that?
Don't worry, we'll take care of you.
Well, thank you very much.
Making you feel like a leper, like a pariah.
You know what I mean?
One of these things, let me let you.
Because, you know, we're going to get the regular thing.
That's okay.
No, we're going to get the regular food.
That's great.
You sure?
No, terrific.
And one year, I'll never forget, this person who made such a big deal decided they were going to get this food from a restaurant.
Now, let me ask you something.
Class, do you know how to heat up food?
Ladies, men, do you know how to heat up food?
I'm serious.
This is not as hard as VPN.
You know how to heat up food?
How do you heat up food?
What's the first thing you do when you heat up food?
What's your goal?
It was heated.
It was cooked.
Now you're reheating.
What's your goal?
Don't dry it out.
Right?
And if you've got this thing called turkey, don't dry it out.
What do you do with that one?
So you're looking at this thing.
And there's a turkey breast and it is white.
There is a piece of...
It is ready to go.
It is sawdust as we speak.
What do you do?
How are you going to do this?
So one year, I'm watching this.
After having been through all this.
Now I know you can't have this.
We're going to have...
Oh, that's great.
And I saw something and I thought, this is going to be so funny.
Actually put the entire turkey in the oven uncovered.
In the oven!
We heated it in an oven.
Uncovered.
It came out like sawdust.
I didn't even know what the hell it was.
Anyway.
Anyway.
So I can't believe it's Thanksgiving.
And it's one of those things where I artificially put myself into this.
My dream is when Mrs. Eldon and I sit back and watch stupid movies.
That's my dream.
That is the greatest thing.
And you know what's really decadent?
Eating in bed.
I know you're not supposed to.
We don't do this often.
But a couple of times, there's nothing like spreading some towels out.
Oh, come on.
Remember the time we were eating pizza and watching movies?
During COVID, we had some of the best times ever.
COVID was a blast.
COVID was a blast.
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Thank you, Harvard, for helping.
I think somebody's pranking you.
Keep it up.
So anyway, so we do this.
Now let me ask you something.
What is the one thing that you eat at Thanksgiving that you don't ever eat during the...
Look at this with the Brad.
Oh, COVID times.
During COVID, I don't mind telling you, and I gained more weight.
I don't know why.
I ate regular food, but just said, you know what?
This could all be over.
Screw it.
I mean, it was like, it was fun.
It was like debauchery.
My friend called it the COVID-2020.
Remember how much did you put on weight during COVID?
It's like, Jesus, God, what is the matter?
Oh, my God.
Because you're sitting there like, oh, you're just, you know, like you're in, like, like those, that my 800 pound, you know, die, whatever those, those discovery shows where these people sit in bed, you know, they're nude and their genitals are covered, you know, that was me.
Cranberries.
Look at this.
Cranberries.
No traffic, no people, and great food.
That's Brad.
Love COVID.
Cranberries.
Mrs. L makes a cranberry sauce.
You will find new muscles in your mouth, in your cheek area, when you pucker up from this thing.
It is the tartest thing you have ever.
It's very good.
But tart?
Dear God.
Team Alaska says we're going to spend a lot more for dinner this year.
I don't know what that means.
I think you're right about that.
I don't know if that's on the level or what.
But think about this.
Kale chips.
Oh, God.
They crumble before you're...
600-pound life.
How about that doctor, that mean doctor?
How come you don't lose weight?
I'm sorry, doctor.
How come you don't lose weight?
You have to lose the weight before the operation.
But I'm coming to you for to lose weight.
No, you have to lose the weight before you come to the operation.
What the hell am I coming to you for if I could lose the weight?
You're disgusting.
You're disgusting.
I'm disgusting.
You know when they go to the jail, what do they use?
A pool cue and a rag?
What do they do?
Power wash that thing?
Do you know the funk?
That must be.
That's the first thing I think of.
Domino's says, satisfy your cravings with Domino's.
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Thank you for that.
This is the wildest stuff in the world.
Did you ever have that green Jell-O?
I can't eat Jell-O.
My mother used to tell the story, when I was a kid, I was in my high chair, and they gave me some Jell-O, and I puked.
I just took, I said, don't you ever, ever, ever give me that crap again.
Gelatin makes me disgusted.
Anyway, the green mold with the marshmallow, it looks kind of like radioactive.
Remember, somebody would bring this over, like, what is this?
There were certain things you just eat.
I'll tell you what I have, which I think is wonderful.
And you can only have this.
Okay, you got this?
I love Little Baby Ducks, Tom T. Hall.
I like green beans with the dirkies, chips, you know, with the french fried onion rings kind of a thing.
Kind of like a gratin.
That's the greatest thing in the world, but you only eat it to me on Thanksgiving.
Weird Matter says, I like Jell-O with fruit in it.
You're demented.
You're demented.
They made my first cranberry sauce from scratch last year, way easier than I thought.
This is Mrs. Hayes.
Well, you know what's challenges?
You ready for this, Mrs. Hayes?
Year after year, I used to do a thing where I was on WABC.
And I used to talk to people that I thought, people always said, that's stupid.
This is going to be interesting.
I talked to the Butterball lady.
You know the Swift Butterball?
You know the 800 number?
Remember those ladies?
You'd call them up on the phone?
They were real ladies.
So I talked to one.
I said, tell me some of the funniest things you've ever heard.
She says, well, a couple things.
Make sure when you take the giblets out of the guts and everything in that bag, make sure you lift the flap up and you take the giblets and the crap, which is great for gravy.
Don't leave it in there.
Okay, fine.
Funniest story I heard was this woman, the typical story, kind of a Laura Petri.
In-laws are coming in, she's going to cook for them, and she's doing everything right.
She has the bird, she does the bird, she thaws it, she actually thaws it.
Gets everything ready.
Everything's ready to go.
Does it.
She's preparing.
Has everything.
Mise en place.
Everything ready to go.
Puts the turkey in.
And hits the latch.
She never really used the oven before.
She was very good with this.
She hits the latch and hits the oven cleaning cycle.
And she can't unlock it.
And it's starting to heat up.
And she thinks, well, there's got to be a way.
She can't pull the oven out.
She doesn't know what to do.
It's starting to get that smell.
You know, it's coming about 9,000 degrees.
You get that smell burning things off and the turkey.
She's freaking out.
She calls the butterball lady.
They call it the fireball.
I mean, I just thought that was a great story.
That would be a great kind of a Laura Petri thing.
Susie Bell says, my mom's recipe for frozen cranberry salad is the best.
Marshmallows and cream cheese with pecans.
You know what?
That sounds great.
Absolutely.
See, I like that.
Turkey tech support.
I love that.
That's true.
Ambrosia salad.
That's very good.
I miss my Jell-O cars, hearses.
I don't know what that means.
You know, there's these wonderful little things.
By the way, I'm going to be doing Anthony Cumia coming up.
But I said, between you and me, I said, I can't go into the studio.
I just can't.
I'll do it from home.
I can't do it.
There's something about that place.
I get very depressed.
But that's me.
I'm funny about that.
One of the greatest things in the world that I love.
Hold it!
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You're very, very kind.
We're really raking it in tonight with these off-the-cuff things.
Um...
I was thinking of...
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
There was a time in my life when I was not into health.
I was into self-destruction.
Food and...
You know.
I just didn't care.
I just did not care about anything.
I mean, you know, it wasn't bad.
I just figured it was young and bulletproof.
I didn't care.
And I saw something one time which was the greatest thing in the world.
Italian sausage squoze out of the casing.
Crescent rolls.
You know the thing you hit that opens up the Pillsbury Doughboy, the crescent rolls?
You take a little bit of a, you tear a piece of that off, a little bit of that.
Italian sausage.
Make a nice little ball out of it.
Put it on a cookie tray.
Have about 9,000 of these little balls.
Italian sausage inside.
I don't know how you are.
Each one's different size.
Who cares?
Had a tray of these things.
Six pack of whatever the hell it was.
And you sit there.
And it was absolute heaven.
Because you're by yourself.
Which is the only way you'd eat like this.
And you're eating like an animal.
And food that tastes so good that if you ever ate this much in front of people, people would call the police.
But it was so perfect.
Two things.
Italian sausage and crescent rolls.
Crescent rolls are the best things in the world.
I'm sorry.
Kraft macaroni and cheese is the greatest stuff, and that radioactive colored stuff is the greatest.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's true.
Anybody do a deep fried turkey?
Not bad.
Turducken?
Not bad.
I'm going to leave you with that right now, my friends, because the more I talk about this, I start to get hungry.
And I can talk myself into, I normally don't eat at night, but if I keep talking about this, I'm going to lose my mind.
So let me thank you.
Team Alaska says, I have to agree.
That is good.
Oh, it is good.
Oh, yes, indeed.
It is good.
There are some things that just, and you know, there's something in your brain chemistry or palate chemistry that makes this thing so perfect.
You know it because it brings such incredible pleasure.
Eating this much, this much, Pitifully, horribly wrong.
It is wonderful.
There's just...
Oh my God.
If I had to tell you, if I said to you, I want you to eat yourself to death, you've got to have one dish, one thing only, what would it be?
You're going to suicide by eating.
And I'm kidding, of course.
We're not advocating it.
It's an expression.
But what would that thing be?
Would yours be sweets?
I'm not a sweet person.
I'm into savory.
That's my thing.
I'm a savory kind of guy.
What would be the thing that you could eat to the point where you would lose your mind?
Where you would absolutely lose your mind?
What would it be?
What, my friend?
I ask you this question.
What would it be?
What would that item be?
That if you ate it, you would literally just go.
Cheeseburgers.
Oh, God.
Thank you.
Thank you.
*laughs*
Yes, I've enticed you for over an hour.
Liz is correct.
Steak.
Oh, yes.
Breaded veal cutlass.
Gnocchi.
Gnocchi is wonderful.
Gnocchi, by the way, I eat that without the egg.
It's wonderful.
Breaded veal cutlass.
Cheesecake.
Shepherd's pie.
Steak to me, I could eat more meat.
And if it's barbecue, forget it.
Forget it.
And I can't believe you said church's fried chicken.
Church's fried chicken, I used to eat that in amounts that were ridiculous.
With that little side things, little coleslaw and this and the fritter.
There is a salt called Crazy Jane's Mixed Up Salt.
Crazy Jane's Mixed Up Salt.
And I would take this deep fried chicken, coat it in this salt mixture.
Crazy Jane's Mixed Up Salt, I think it is.
It's the best stuff in the world.
And absolutely shake and bake pork chops with a can of applesauce, dump it into a bowl.
And just use the pork chop as a scooping device.
Shake and bake.
The original.
Not the other one.
The original.
By yourself, of course.
You're not even in front of people like that.
Unbelievable.
My brain, the endorphins, we're going crazy.
Great crazy.
I gotta stop.
You're killing me.
Thank you.
Let me stop my dear friends.
Stop and thank my friends at ExxonMobil.
Oh, Brad, it's a Yugo, but it's a stretch.
Ha ha ha.
Love you and your show.
And that was Dr. Now.
Thank you so much, Brad.
Domino's, Team Alaska, Harvard, Lionel Psychiatric Center, Oreo, Walgreens, Sears, Burger King, Rite Aid.
Thank you immensely.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're very, very kind.
You're good people.
You're demented, but you're good people.
Now, didn't we have fun tonight?
Didn't we have fun?
Seriously.
Do you have fun like this watching other people?
No.
No.
You think Jordan Peterson is going to be?
No.
Please, stop it.
No.
Please.
Anyway, friends, you have a great day.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Same bad time, same bad channel.
Let me also remind you.
Let me also tell you something.
Listen to me very carefully.
We have, on February 3rd, this is a big day, Big, big, big day.
We're going to be hitting the, we'll let you know, the cutting room.
Tickets are available.
Go to the cutting room.
Or just go and look at the description section of the, of the, uh, whatchacuzzits, and, uh, that's it.
Anyway, that's it.
Look, you have a great day.
Thanks so much.
Love you to, love you to pieces.
See you tomorrow, 8 a.m., same bad time, same bad channel.
8 a.m. Eastern Time.
And don't forget, the monkey's dead.
The show's over.
Sue ya.
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