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March 24, 2022 - Louder with Crowder
53:13
ROCKET MAN RETURNS! Kim Jong Un Shows Off His THICC ICBM | Louder with Crowder
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So I don't know how familiar you are with this, but the idea is that we sit down with
people, hopefully where it's a rational discussion.
And we sit down and we have a conversation.
Hey, Peter.
Yeah, Jesus?
You ready for this?
Yep, sure am.
When I pull this lever, it's going to start the Rapture.
And all the true Christians are going to come from Earth and land here in the Kingdom of God.
Yep.
Do you want to do this together?
Do this as a team?
Countdown?
Yeah, I mean, whatever you want to do.
Let's countdown from five.
Ready?
I like five.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Rapture!
Hey, where's everybody?
Yeah, uh, Jesus, this is kind of what I was worried about.
Everybody on Earth is a pretty bad sinner.
Everybody?
I mean, surely somebody's worthy of the Kingdom of Heaven.
No, not really.
I mean, really, between the hatred, violence, and bad stand-up specials.
There's nobody down... I mean, internet porn itself makes it so 99% of humans can't get up here.
I really... Have you seen what they wrote about you on Twitter?
I have an account, but I don't ever check it.
I wouldn't check it.
It's just not gonna be good for your self-esteem.
I just think, uh...
I just think we're gonna have to lower the bar quite a bit if you want to get people into the club, if you know what I mean.
The bar's pretty low as it is.
I mean, I'm a forgiving kind of guy.
You know the crucifixion?
I was up there, forgave everybody's sins and stuff.
They're supposed to show up right now.
Yeah, no, you bring it up.
Uh, I know, um, but I just don't think... Oh!
Oh!
Spoke too soon, someone's coming.
It's, uh, it's Kirk Cameron.
You know what, tell him I'm not here.
Kirk!
Go back down.
That punch is not for you.
You didn't ask, that's stealing.
I'm telling you, you can't come in.
That's a horrible start to my day.
We have a lot to discuss today, by the way.
I don't know if you noticed, North Korea, they've been launching some fireworks.
We'll talk about that.
Cory Booker is straight.
We'll talk about that.
Fact check.
Liar.
Right away Snopes is like, okay, yeah, no.
Him and Magic Johnson, they have like the straight man's version of the Rotary Club.
Yeah!
And we'll be talking about the refugee crisis, which, you know, is not really a crisis, and a lot of people are accusing the United States of being racist and only caring about Ukrainian refugees.
Let me just give you the short end of it, okay?
The short end of it is this.
We've taken in more refugees who are not white over the last few years.
That's just a recap.
taken in the most amount of Ukrainian refugees, namely like Poland and Hungary, have been
excoriated.
Also, the reason that Americans are more sympathetic is because these are women and children as
opposed to military-aged fighting men leaving Syria and bringing their Kalashnikovs.
So that's just a recap.
Before we move on to anything else, YouTube, and I'm going to tell you this, we have no
idea how long.
You guys can comment below.
Two questions.
Over-under on how long this show stays up when I introduce who we have here in the studio today.
I don't know what over-under means.
I understand it's a betting term, correct?
And would you rather date a Syrian refugee or Ukrainian refugee?
Comment below.
Men, women, Zs are all welcome.
Gerald, I don't have time for you today because we have two other people here.
We have, of course, Landau Dave.
Ahoy!
And Nick DiPaolo is in studio in third slash fourth.
Hello, how are you?
I'm doing well, how are you?
Great, great to be here.
What are you doing?
I'm trying out a character.
Are you the ventriloquist?
I'm Cory Booker's ego.
Or id, or lit, whatever.
And every time Rosario Dawson leans in for a kiss you have to go, No, we had a deal.
We had an agreement.
This is an arrangement.
Gross.
Were they dating or something?
Yeah, well, she's covering for him.
Allegedly.
Right, Snopes?
Right.
I thought she was dating Gerald Nadler.
No, she was dating a Jerry Nadler.
Ah!
Common misconception.
Yeah.
No, I don't, of course, no, look, he's straight as an arrow, Cory Booker.
And Nick, you're going to be, this weekend, you're doing Hyenas.
Hyenas, Friday night in Dallas, two shows, and then Saturday night in Fort Worth.
I didn't know there was a difference.
Boom!
There is.
Yeah.
They got a thing about that.
How far are they apart, the clubs?
I don't know how far apart they are, but I was just... Because I'm walking, by the way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that's always... Be sure to... It's a nice stroll down South Dallas.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can't miss that scenery.
And if you can, make it out to Denton, UNT, where we did the Change My Mind.
It's the Harvard of Denton County.
Yes.
It's the what?
It's the Harvard of Denton County.
Very nice.
Harvard?
Yeah.
Well, let's see.
He's not an academic type.
Excuse me, I'm not an academic type.
I went to the University of Maine, 2.4, Business Administration.
That's pretty good.
Like I said, I'm not the academic type.
Well, then you should know that UNT is the Harvard of Denton.
You're talking about Texas.
Who cares?
I'm not talking about Texas.
I'm talking about exclusively Denton.
It is the Harvard of Denton County only.
What the hell is Denton?
Well, that's usually the follow-up question, and that's why it's the Harvard of Denton.
It's in Denton.
Yes.
Denton is in what state?
This does not include Collin County.
It does not include the surrounding counties.
Is this Texas?
I think so.
Yes, it's Denton County, Texas.
Okay, then I was right.
It's Texas.
Who cares?
Go ahead.
It's the Harvard of Denton County, and they deserve the respect.
A lot of people sending their kids to Texas for a good education?
Not Denton County, apparently.
Well, from the southern border.
Now, what is Denton?
A lot of them sending their sons to UT to set women's freestyle swim meet records.
Yeah, it's usually over a fence, but not really for college.
Their mascot's gonna change from a longhorn to just long, And Dave, you're going to be in Wisconsin?
April 30th, yes.
Green Bay, the Meyer Theater.
So we have a lot to get to.
Like I said, it goes off the rails here quickly, but we love having everyone.
First up, Lizzo.
Has a new show.
Did you know this?
She has a new show, a new series.
You a big Lizzo fan there, Nick?
I know more about Denton.
I know Lizzo has a nice little heart-shaped ass.
Well that's what happens when Lizzo sits on the hood of a car.
Did you headbutt this?
So Lizzo's new series, Big Girls with multiple Rs.
Let's take a look.
Let's go!
Let's get it in!
Okay.
Watch out for the big girl.
Watch out for the big girl.
One generally does.
Are these her friends?
I think so.
Is that all her?
No, that's not.
What was that casting call?
Oh, that's Margaret Chuck.
She looks horrible.
Watch out, she's gonna do her mom's voice!
Is this a teaser?
What is this?
Okay, so that's like a jumbo highlighter.
It looks like the Cowboys starting lineup.
Yes!
Moesha has gained some weight since the 90s.
Oh, Asia, like the continent.
They can still move.
Ariane double prom day.
Yeah, count me in.
Watch out for the corny!
You notice how all those girls were big but just not quite as big as Lizzo?
Is that like the hot girl thing where they hang out with other girls that are not quite as attractive?
Yeah, exactly.
She's like, y'all are not quite as fat as me.
She did have Chris Farley working for The Weeknd.
Only there was no Swayze.
That one girl that did the splits couldn't get up, by the way.
No, she had to roll back.
Had to come out with a blowtorch.
It's like getting your tongue stuck to a frozen pole.
Yeah, it was just a mopped floor, and they were like, oh, no.
Mind salt.
Goodness.
It's like to warm them up, you know, they have those massage guns with them.
They had to use one of those belt sanders.
I gotta do splits, bitch!
Get the belt sander!
Get the Dewar or the Milwaukee power tool.
At least it told us what the show is about.
It did, yeah.
It's dropping tomorrow.
What's it about?
Cholesterol?
Exactly, and diabetes feet.
Yeah, really?
Thought I saw a B.B.
King in there.
The ghost of Wilford Brimley is just cashing in.
One's just playing Lucille at the end.
Yeah.
Well, there's also probably, Tom Selleck, probably a few reverse mortgages in the future.
Oh, for sure.
So, and some mesothelioma, you know, because they got the, uh, got the cobalt slash asbestos hip replacement.
A couple rascal scooters to go around.
You'd need a few.
A tub with a door on it.
Yes, legless shopping.
But at least they'd make it to the Grand Canyon.
Okay.
So, uh, I don't know what you're saying.
That's not nice.
Look, it's called Big Girls, and it's celebrating, uh, uh, dying.
Slowly.
Yeah.
You don't know that yet.
No, we don't know that yet.
Just wait.
I'm praying.
A year.
It must be so hard.
Are there any doctors out there?
Physicians?
Can you comment?
Comment below if you're on YouTube.
Doctors?
Physicians?
Because we have the Change My Mind coming up Monday, and one guy was even saying, you know, transgender people being discriminated against by all, and I even said, like, doctors.
He goes, yeah, like, doctors.
Miss, what is a doctor going to do?
You can't- oh, hey, what's your, uh, what's your sa- uh, uh, uh, you know what?
Okay, height and waaaa- you know what?
Let's just leave this blank and, uh, give you an A-okay.
How do you do it?
You- well, it's- isn't it illegal?
It's not illegal, but they're trying to make it so.
First of all, there's four of them on the planet, so it's really not an issue, but go ahead.
Right.
There are four planets.
Yeah.
There's one trans on each planet.
Yes.
Yes.
The point is, something about the moon and the tides, gravitational pull, I don't know, but Lizzo just caused, she fast-forwarded a hundred years of climate change.
Thanks for that.
Thanks for that.
Take it up with her.
Now let's move on to someone else who is very respectable, though.
Ken, sorry, Ken.
Ketanji Brown-Jackson.
No, you had it right.
Yes.
Kenneth Jackson.
Well, more important than that, Cory Booker had his turn to grill the Supreme Court nominee.
Okay.
So we talked yesterday about how this Supreme Court nominee, you know, has made it her raison d'être to lessen sentences for child pornographers.
But Cory Booker wanted to make sure that he got his shots in, like he did with Kavanaugh.
Remember his Spartacus moment?
Yeah.
Except instead of saying, I'm Spartacus, everyone just moved one seat away and said, I'm not with him.
And he did not hold back.
Here he is laying into the potential justice on the most important court in the land.
As Langston Hughes wrote, oh let America be America again!
The land that never has been yet, but yet must be the land where everyone is free.
Oh yes, I say it plain America, never was America to me, but I swear this oath, America will be.
And how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?
That is the story of how you got to this desk, and so you faced insults here that were shocking to me.
Well, actually not shocking.
But you are here because of that kind of love.
And nobody's taking this away from me.
Don't worry.
She's disgust.
God has got you.
On the left.
And how do I know that?
Because you're here.
And I know what it's taken for you to sit in that seat.
You got here how every black woman in America who's gotten anywhere has done.
Adopted by white parents.
By being like Ginger Rogers said.
I did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards in heels.
Then he said, mmm, Fred Astaire.
And so I'm just sitting here saying, nobody's stealing my joint.
Nobody's going to make me angry.
The person I will nominate will be someone with extraordinary qualifications, character, experience, and integrity.
And that person will be the first black woman ever nominated to the United States Supreme Court.
Okay, it's just like affirmative action.
Let's say that Ms.
Jackson becomes a Supreme Court Justice.
It's like affirmative action.
She can never know if it's because she was qualified.
That's the issue here.
You rob people of their win.
because I don't want to say man or woman because she can't define it so I wouldn't want to deadname
No, no, no, you... Ms. Jackson. Yeah. Becomes a Supreme Court justice. It's like affirmative
action. She can never know if it's because she was qualified. That's the issue here. You rob
people of their win. She can never know if she was the right person for the job because
former Vice President Joe Biden said it will be a black woman.
Well, that eliminates a good portion of the pool of talent.
Are you saying there was nobody else qualified?
How about you just go with qualified?
And if it turns out to be her, I am all for it.
Well, the problem is if you're qualified, they accuse you of being a gang rapist.
Well, that's true.
But it wouldn't.
Remember him with Kavanaugh?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Just a grandstanding.
He just made that all up.
He just said he did a little five-man, you know, one-act show, one-man play for himself.
She was even getting irritated.
Hey, this is my moment, bitch.
Yes, exactly.
That's the look she had on her face.
He's such a...
Oh, he's a tool, man.
He never misses an opportunity to grandstand, and he screwed up Newark so bad that he decided to go to Congress.
Yes, exactly.
I don't understand.
He robbed that city of millions and millions and millions of dollars in funding for education, just completely wasted it on corporate people coming in and advising from New York, ransacked the city, and then's like, I think I'll run for Congress.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Gerald, the correct term is jacked.
He jacked the city.
Jacked the city, yes.
Don't be insensitive.
Every guy that would let him.
Yes.
Unbelievable.
By guy you mean woman.
Yes, every woman who he likes very very much.
Can't get enough of the ladies.
Here's also Booker providing an anecdote which 100% you can take this to the bank, actually happened.
We appreciate something that we get that a lot of my colleagues don't.
I know Tim Scott does.
When I first came to this place, I was the fourth black person ever popularly elected to the United States Senate, and I still remember... The fourth?
An accomplishment?
A lot of mixed people, white folks, black folks work here, but at night, when people are in line to come in to clean this place... It's their fort.
That ends at three.
The percentage of minorities shift a lot, and so I'm walking here, first week I'm here, and somebody who's been here for decades doing the Urgent work of the Senate, but it's the unglamorous work that goes on no matter who's in offices.
The guy comes up to me, all he wants to say I can tell is, I'm so happy you're here, but he comes up and he can't get the words out.
And this man, my elder, starts crying.
Not a joke.
And I just hugged him, and he just kept telling me, it is so good to see you here.
It's so good to see you here.
And we couldn't stop kissing!
Turns out we were related.
He was my half-brother.
Right.
Can you give me some money?
She's just rolling her tongue around in her mouth.
Yeah, like Nancy Pelosi.
She's sucking on her dentures.
Yeah, just... What an idiot that... Oh my God.
He came and I knew what he wanted to say to me, but he couldn't get the words out.
Yeah.
Was it... Hugh?
How did you know?
I was the fourth, what is it, what point are you saying?
I was the 19th junior senator who was biracial, dammit.
I mean, what, it's like, okay, you were the fourth black guy who was elected, just stop, we get it.
They cannot, they just can't stop themselves from wedging it in there.
He's the fourth.
Well, Stephen, they're natural entertainers.
Yes.
And jumpers.
I'm just trying to say the most racist.
They're natural entertainers.
Yes, they're a very oratory culture.
Real people can really talk, man.
Is it just Jimmy the Greek talking?
Yes!
You see what it is.
This is just like when leftists, they just make up ridiculous stories about their kids.
That's what it is.
Yeah, my three-year-old said to me, Mom, every time we use plastic straws, the whales cry for the planet.
Yes, it totally happens every time.
The dolphins keep getting caught in the tuna nets.
Oh, thank you, two-year-old.
The most profound tweets that you read where you're like, the kid hangs himself at five.
With a six-pack plastic ring.
And he used a tweed rope.
Yeah, because you took away his toy.
He's upstairs hanging himself with a slinky dog.
Took away his sickle and hammer.
Cory Booker goes and he finds his goldfish caught in a little six-pack wire, just taking himself out.
He never misses an opportunity to make about himself though, right?
His pet turtle is just making his way to the plastic straw pack.
I think he went into Mr. Bojangles at the end.
You don't know this?
I heard it was a spitball.
Go ahead.
From Dean Martin.
It's like what Sammy Davis Jr. did.
It's how he died.
I thought you were too young to know that.
The drivers...
That's how he lost the eye.
People who don't know...
You don't know this?
I heard it was a spitball.
Go ahead.
It's just Frank spitting.
Do you know how he lost his eye?
Car accident.
So it's a car accident, but it's worse than that.
Back then, Cadillacs, the horn, had a protruding, sharp, 3D ornament.
You're kidding me.
So he crashed and went, you're kidding me.
You're kidding me.
That's the best story ever.
Yeah, that's how he lost his eye.
Most people think it's from Frank hitting him from not shining his shoes correctly.
That was a lip.
That was a lip.
Oh man, that was a good one.
Who decided, let's make these horns sharper than they were before?
That's so funny, yeah.
They're looking at it way before airbags.
They're like, what do we need?
I don't know, protruding glass?
That was a true Ray Charles.
Borrowed that car like a week later.
Same thing here.
That's when they came up with the double glass.
Gotta get both of them.
Boy, this glass really should be tempered.
Oh, yeah.
Information I could have used yesterday, babe.
So Cadillac blinded Sammy Days?
They don't use that in their ads still?
Come on, man.
It's the best car out there.
Yeah, they could have at least had him as the spokesperson.
Exactly!
The guy died 30 million in debt.
Exactly!
Dave, he couldn't see the cars very well.
True story.
My father-in-law saw Ray Charles at the airport, hand to God, was reading a Playboy in Braille.
That's a true story.
How'd that happen?
Oh, God!
One-handed.
I like them titties.
Is that a topographical?
Turn-offs.
Smokers.
Arrogant men.
Blind guys.
Black guys.
What the hell?
Every time.
Oh, them boobs feel good.
Steering wheel horns that are sharp.
Chain link glove departments.
I don't know why.
So, uh... Do you ever see, like, old baby seats?
Yeah.
They're just meat hooks.
Yes, exactly.
With, like, you put the baby in the middle.
Yeah.
That's all they were in, like, the 1950s and 60s.
Yes!
Umbrella handles, you could make them a little... And if you were in the front seat, you were lucky enough to get someone's arm.
Yeah, the best.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Stop short.
But if they decided to just grip the wheel, it was like, well, we gotta get a new kid.
Sammy, take the wheel!
You're gonna lose an eye!
So, all right, North Korea.
Let's move on to this.
Anything more on Cory Booker?
No, I think we've done our job.
North Korea, going to international news here.
Well, I guess it's a segue.
Insane people.
Insane people with closeted urges.
Kim Jong-un test-fired a new intercontinental ballistic missile today.
Yeah.
Yeah, Kim's style is unmatched.
Yeah, well, he showed up in a Tom Cruise jacket from Top Gun.
Oh, did he really?
Yeah, yeah, he did.
He uses the collar as a bib.
Like the fur and everything?
It's pretty exciting.
He's crab.
He looks like Andrew Rice Clay.
Little boy broke!
He needed the money!
Oh, hey!
Throw that picture up there again.
Yeah, throw that picture up there.
Throw that picture up there again.
Of Kim Jong-un.
Throw it up.
Kim Jong.
I gotta find one.
Oh, no!
Oh, you didn't see it?
No.
I haven't either.
Oh, I thought we had that picture of him in the James Dean jacket.
Yeah, he's got his... Have you ever seen that where he wears his little James Dean jacket?
Kim Jong-un?
Yeah, he's got his little... It looks like right before Lefty gets whacked at the end of Donnie Brosco.
And he just... That's like how he dresses now.
Like, I think he got all of Pacino's stuff from that movie.
All the jewelry?
Yeah.
Right before he goes out?
Does he take the jewelry?
No, he leaves it all.
He leaves the jewelry.
He leaves it at home.
Aw, he was generous.
And his wallet, because he knows he's gonna die.
Yeah, he's not coming back.
I do that every time I do a gig with my wife.
Well, that's what Al Pacino does now every time he does a new acting gig.
No, the comedy gig on Detroit, here, is my wallet.
I feel that way every time Al Pacino appears on camera right now.
When I was watching the, uh, not The Departed, The Irishman.
Yes.
I'm sitting in a hat and I'm like, wait, is he supposed to be Jimmy Hoffa?
Jimmy Hoffa's a Midwestern.
He's like, I'm Jimmy Hoffa here!
Alright, here it is.
Oh my god, it's a gay... You're tearing me apart!
It's a gay Fonzie.
Yes.
It's like an Asian Elon Musk.
Instead of hitting a jukebox, he hits a public stall.
Hey!
Glory holy, just taps it twice.
And nobody here!
So this is the first intercontinental, I'm just gonna say ICBM from here on out, ICBM test since November of, I think it's 2017.
It's been a while.
And that was of course before the Singapore summit with Trump, and the missile went higher, longer than the 2017, and that one was called Hwasong, which I know I had to look that up to make sure I had it right, I thought it was a phone company.
And that showed that it could hit the United States.
Oh, that's good.
That's exactly what we need, is a much more capable North Korea aligning with Russia, other people that don't like us.
That's fantastic.
I love it when those things fall in the water.
That's what I like.
Not when they actually can fly.
Well, hopefully we can stop it through the missile defense system that everyone mocked that Ronald Reagan helped spearhead, which ended up becoming the actual basis for all of Israel's defense, their Iron Dome.
The Iron Dome.
Otherwise known as Cory Booker.
Good night, everybody.
That's the iron rod.
Spare the roses.
Nickname at the bathhouse.
Yes.
Salido.
And by nickname, we just mean pet name from Fauci.
No one else called him that.
It was an exclusive.
What happened to that little girl?
Oh, we're going to get into Fauci in a little bit.
He's going to retire soon.
So is Booker.
Is what, a bowler?
Yes, a towel boy.
That's actually, I should let you guys know, 7 plus 1 things that Fauci's going to do next.
Yeah, we have that.
We haven't done a 7 plus 1 in a while.
So hey, by the way, Kim Jong-un, missile now, capable of hitting the United States.
Longer, further than ever, more powerful.
You remember when former Vice President Joe Biden said this a little over a year ago?
America is back!
I speak today as President of the United States, at the very start of my administration, and I'm sending a clear message to the world.
America is back!
That's like a Backstreet Boys song.
It's always a comeback.
It's like, guess who's back?
What?
I never knew you left.
Now we're here again and we're here to stay this time.
Where did you go?
Exactly.
That's what I never understood.
Did anybody, even Democrats, buy that?
We're back from what?
A perfect economy?
Exactly.
We have respect all over the world?
We built up our military?
Back from what?
Got people to start spending their own fair share in NATO?
Yes!
We're back to sucking up to countries we don't like in the first place.
Build back better.
It sounds like a slogan at Home Depot on Labor Day.
Right.
Only it'd be pronounced in Spanish.
Yeah.
Which is, I believe, a Bildo Baco Beturro.
Beturro.
That's how I think it is.
Absolutely not.
How I think it goes.
Not true.
So let's go through it though.
He meant this internationally.
How back is America on the world stage?
Okay, well we had the Afghanistan withdrawal.
We still don't know how many Americans have been left there.
Of course you had Russia invade Ukraine.
You have Iran now producing enriched uranium.
Of course, we've emboldened China and we're standing with them.
Now we have North Korea testing the intercontinental ballistic missiles more effectively than ever before.
And something that I find really funny, rather than getting oil from ourselves, we're begging Venezuela.
Here's the funny thing is, they haven't made up their mind.
Not sure yet.
Former Vice President Joe Biden is like, hey, evil dictator Maduro, could you give us oil?
Like, I don't know.
Oh, Stephen, you're just cherry-picking points.
You just listed off 55.
That's what they'd say to you.
As long as we have pipelines here, it doesn't matter.
Saudi Arabia's not taking our calls anyway, but they took calls from Putin, so yeah, we're definitely back.
We love when oil companies don't take our calls.
Yeah, we're fine.
Yeah, we're good.
I'm not a big Saudi Arabia fan.
The only way I would call Saudi Arabia is if I had like Donald Duck and Chippendale, where when I call, but I push a button, they pick up the phone and the dynamite explodes on the other end of the receiver, but it somehow goes through.
We have the first president who shit his pants at the Vatican.
Yep, yep.
Good for him.
Even God hates him.
Yeah, even the Lord is like, huh?
A lot of Cub Scouts have, but not a president.
That's just because some... Oh, it's a merit badge, Nick!
Come on.
Don't steal their accomplishment.
It's the Vatican poop badge.
It's the Vatican, yeah.
It's right next to your gimp bracelet.
Hey, by the way, Light a candle for your anus.
That's what it is.
Is that when the smoke comes out of the Vatican, they're trying to get the smell out of the house?
I thought they had a poopery sponsorship.
Just turns out they needed it.
Lifetime supply.
It was Brussels sprouts.
Brussels sprout night.
Like holy water there.
Yeah, but what about that cardinal with the beach house?
They were having asparagus, so that was also... Yeah, it was just a mess.
Oh, okay.
But all over the world, ladies and gentlemen.
Cardinal's beach house?
Lactose intolerant cardinal beach house?
Yes.
What about the rest of all of the cardinals were having asparagus and brussels sprouts?
All of them.
That's what happened.
It's a problem, we've been telling them.
They need to vary their diet.
Hey, lightoffcreditor.com slash tour, Dave and I are going to be in Tulsa, the Tulsa Ballroom, May 14th.
June 18th, we added a show to Pike's Peak Center in Colorado Springs.
So, May and June, we had to add a show because it sold out.
Thank you guys.
And, alright, let's move on to Fauci.
You asked about it.
We have to?
Fine.
I hate it.
Why do you have to ruin every show that we do?
Why do you have to do that?
Try hard.
You know, we're sitting here.
Takes effort, Stephen.
Be careful.
Have to find new ways.
I think he's Ned Flanders.
I yelled at him on the phone last week and then the power went out on my late show.
Listen, I don't have to do anything.
I got somebody with my back, Dave.
I think he's that godly.
I don't know if Skinamax counts as your late show.
It does to me.
Skinamax.
It does to me!
Every hotel I call, do you guys got Skinamax?
What?
No.
Dave, stop calling here.
We said no.
We do have guest Wi-Fi.
Yeah, but do you have Skinamax?
At home?
Yes!
Can I come over?
Paying for basic cable.
Waiting patiently for your softcore to come on at 1am.
Waiting for a Shannon tweet at 2.30.
I think there's a special on the Duke Lacrosse team.
Oh, that's great.
Alright.
Hey, let's move on.
Speaking of steamy bathhouses, Fauci.
There's some segues.
For a moment here, we have an audio clip from a recent show where Fauci said that he might, and oh my god, I really hope this is true, but of course I don't think so because I wish I loved anything as much as Fauci just loves being in front of the camera and or microphone.
But he did say he might consider a career change.
Is retirement or stepping back into a consultant role any like that?
Are you considering those options?
Brad, I certainly am because I've got to do it sometime.
I can't stay at this job forever unless my staff is going to find me slumped over my desk and they have to not do that.
What would you do if you retired?
Like, are you a pickleball guy?
Is there, like, some bowling career I don't know about?
There's something you're looking to do?
No, I unfortunately am somewhat of a unidimensional physician, scientist, public health person.
You haven't been a physician for 40 years.
That's what he should try, virology.
Yes.
Yeah.
Go into it.
Try to dabble in that.
Identify how he replicates.
Stop it.
Did he just say, I'm unidimensional and list off three things that he does?
Yeah, that's a good point.
That's a good point.
Try saving people?
We've been listening to this guy!
I am uni-dimensional.
Here's five things.
Follow the science fiction.
Yeah, that word works.
It's Elron Fauci.
It's gonna test your thetan levels, which now brings us to this week's 7 Plus 1.
7 plus 1 things Fauci wants to do next.
You forgot Vivan in the chamber!
Alright, so this is 7 plus 1.
It could be career choices, but it's really just things that he wants to do next.
They aren't necessarily careers, but they could be.
So Dave, let's have you go number 7, 7 plus 1 things Fauci wants to do next.
Set the women's NCAA 500 meter swim record.
Oh, well that would be, yeah, because he can do that now.
It's easy to do.
Number 6, things that Fauci would like to do next.
Stuff himself in a locker of his own volition.
So that would be a... that'd be nice.
For a change.
Yeah, he wants to, you know, sort of like re-appropriating it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know.
Hey, how about let's... Nick, what's number five of top things that Fauci wants to do next?
Lesbian softball pitcher.
Oh, does he throw like a bitch.
You know what's so funny about that?
Did you watch the documentary?
Of course you didn't.
You shouldn't have.
He had that laminated.
What does he mean?
The documentary on Fauci on Disney.
I directed it.
What do you mean?
Did you direct it?
Oh my god.
No, I didn't.
On Disney?
Yeah, it's on Disney+.
Did he play a fairy?
Yes.
Well, they replaced The Rock with him in the Tooth Fairy 4.
He's the enforcer of the lower hockey leagues.
Why would Disney... Go ahead.
I think you know the answer to that question.
But he had that card.
He doesn't realize that it was embarrassing.
He had that card of him pitching on the mound laminated, and it's on his desk.
Made into a Topps card.
Made into a Topps card.
He came closer to hitting first base than home plate with that pitch, by the way.
Leah Thomas would have thrown a better breaking ball.
Excuse me, is that her name?
Yeah, I think so.
I think it's Leah Thomas.
Is it Leah?
Yeah, Stephen Hawking.
Stephen Hawking could literally just accelerate his... He had good junk, guys.
Yes, he did.
Stephen... His fingers were perfect for the... guard stuff on the corner.
I used to use him to... I'd put his hand in a vending machine to pick up the stuff.
Stop doing this.
This is debasing.
That's my hand.
Be breaking, Paul.
This is what happens when you know too much.
He's doing donuts on the pitcher's mound.
The whole crowd's going, throw that thing!
Also, as long as he's doing the donuts while Fauci is on the pitcher's mound, that would be great, wouldn't it?
Just a hit and run.
It's an underdog story you just stop rooting for because your team can't win.
I have eight minutes on Stephen Hawking and I'm still not giving it up.
No, absolutely not.
But it's so damn funny.
I have no reason to.
Fauci in the Petri dish.
He gets run over by Sammy Davis Jr.
in a Cadillac.
Get that one back.
Alright, 7 plus 1 things Fauci is most likely to do next.
Number 4, Gerald.
Cruella DeVille, but with beagles.
Yes, he'd be a good one.
Make a coat.
Make a coat out of it.
Well, after they get eaten.
7 plus 1 things Fauci is most likely to do next.
Number 3, homelessness.
Hmm.
I think he, yeah, that's perfect.
Yeah.
And, uh, number two, he said, you know, things he would most like to do next, uh, finally, uh, finally get around to creating his Laboratory Institute for Engineering More Severe Forms of AIDS.
Ah, more transmissible.
Well, you know, he's put it on the back burner.
It's a passion project.
Yeah.
There's only so much time.
And actually of the 7 plus 1, because Nick, actually, you were foreshadowing it earlier, 7 plus 1 thinks Fauci is most likely to do next.
What's number 1?
What he'd really like to do is direct.
Yes, he would.
He would like to direct.
And the plus 1, of course, is be named Trevago's next garden gnome.
This has been this week's 7 plus 1.
Damn it.
Ahh!
You'll forget Stefan in the chamber!
Nick DiPaolo of course, he's at Hyenas in Dallas this Friday and then Saturday Fort Worth.
We're just mentioning that again.
Go see him.
Two separate cities.
Funniest stand-up working in the country.
I'm pretty fortunate.
I've got the fastest man on his feet here, Dave Landau, and, you know, funniest stand-up.
I think that Another Senseless Killing, the EP, Nick, is possibly the funniest comedy album.
That's my favorite of all the tremendous work I've put out.
They're all great, but that is probably my favorite comedy album of all time.
And I shot it in a club, actually, and not a theater.
But yes, I jammed more into that album.
That's what I used to care about, stand-up.
Oh, stop it.
No, I'm kidding.
It'll never go away.
I was born that way.
But no, that was my favorite, too, Steven.
Yeah, it's a lot of fun.
And guys, you can listen to that, too.
I think it's on Spotify, it's on Pinder, it's on all those places where people can... And the cop that's on the cover holding the police tape, that was an actual Minneapolis cop who was shot.
It was in the national news.
Oh, really?
Ambushed, yes, and had like 30-something operations on his arm.
Him and that was two Minneapolis cops holding the... He had retired after he got... Wait, on Another Senseless Killing?
That's the one with the pizza on it, isn't it?
Pizza?
Yeah, Another Senseless Killing, the EP.
Isn't there a pizza on the cover of it?
What kind of stereotypical... I'll bring it up for you afterwards on Spotify!
There's a pizza on it because you talk about it... Oh, it's Ebola ZD!
No, it's...
No, it's the stool.
You're thinking of the dog father.
I'm sorry, I'm not adept.
It was a bar stool with blood all over it.
Remember?
No, I don't.
Clearly.
So the Ukrainian refugee crisis.
Okay, we get it.
Cop.
Good.
He backs the blue.
We get it.
Who would have thought a wop from Boston would back the blue?
Oh, did I trigger him?
No.
You're from Massachusetts, but you live in Georgia now.
I do.
I live in Savannah, Georgia.
I should have moved there 20 years ago.
I absolutely love it.
I can't imagine living on the eastern seaboard right now.
Why's that?
Some places.
It's terrible.
Why?
Not Georgia.
Well, I see what you're trying to do.
You're trying to lure me into what's wrong with it.
It's, you know, politics, awful, you know, crime, homelessness.
Not in Savannah.
No, I said on the eastern seaboard.
Well, technically that goes all the way down to Florida.
Exactly.
Okay, the northeastern seaboard, for crying out loud.
I don't need Snopes, I have Nick DiPaolo here.
I think New York specifically.
What do you mean eastern seaboard?
Are you talking about Myrtle Beach, South Carolina?
What the fuck?
You better do some voices for me.
Right here, a great friend of mine from the seaboard here.
It's Ed Sullivan.
Anyways, for you people in your late 90s, go to bed.
Really big guinea.
A really big greaseball.
Right here playing hyenas.
You're doing Ed Sullivan.
We have Rich Little here.
You're gonna bring out Nixon next?
There'll be a paper in the room.
Let me just say this about hyenas.
I love it when Rich Little does the Reagan.
It's timely.
You can see him in Vegas once a year.
Wait a minute, weren't you bummed by him performing in Vegas?
Yes, I was, for Sean Hannity's Freedom Tour.
Yeah, they were like, no, no, no, we're gonna do Rich Little instead.
I said, oh, okay, I'm gonna go swallow a knife right now.
Thanks.
I'm gonna go call Fred Travolina to salve my wounds.
Richard Lewis has the best Joke with a Fred Travolina reference in it.
Oh, is that the one?
I think I know, but I think I probably told you last time I was here.
Is it the box?
Yes.
Yes.
He's doing a bit about, you ever hear?
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, yeah.
But I'm not going to do it.
Good.
All right.
No, we are.
We'll do it on Mug Club.
It's chat Thursday.
Several hundred thousand.
We'll chat it up later on Mug Club, whatever that is.
Yeah, we'll have some fun.
Yeah.
Okay.
Good show.
Come in, come in here, you know, as a guest.
We plug a show at Hyena's.
No, I don't, I don't, honestly, I don't know what it is.
I know you can join up and get a mug.
Right.
Yeah.
Well, it's kind of spot on.
Boy, you get spaghetti and something.
What was the name of your last album?
Garlic?
Sun Dried Tomatoes?
Is it Goodfellas references?
If you want to trigger him, you know what you just do?
You just reference that scene in True Romance and, you know, because he's Sicilian.
Just tell him that, you know, there's someone hiding.
Sicilian.
I'm half seal and half a tank.
He's been kissed by a rose, this son of a bitch right here.
And burned in a fire pit.
Ball in the nose.
You know I'm more Irish and Scottish than I am Italian.
Really?
I just found that out from, you know what, 23 years.
Did you really?
Me, yeah.
Did your whole life you think you were just all Italian?
No, not all Italian.
My mother's Scottish and a little English.
Yeah.
So a drunk.
But there's some Irish back.
Yeah.
No.
Very boring.
Church going and uh... Oh, there we go.
But yeah, I'm actually like 1% more... I'm more Sub-Saharan African than Elizabeth Warren is Native American.
Me too, from the waist down.
Listen, I... What?
You know, Southern Italian.
There's a, you know, there's a moor hiding in your woodpile somewhere.
Yeah, that's what I said to Patrice O'Neill.
I said, thanks to your great-great-great-grandparents, I have some of your blood in me.
Savages.
Okay, go watch that scene in True Romance.
My boxing coach, if ever I'd mention it, he'd be like, he would just start turning it up on me and tuning me.
He did not like when I made that joke about Sicilians.
They have a whole thing about that.
I think it has to do with being, you know, conquered.
Okay, so, the Ukrainian refugee...
Crisis.
I'm just trying to think of a way out here.
I feel like Sammy Davis looking at the horn ornament and it's just about to go through my eye no matter what.
You're about to smash your head into it.
So let me set this up here because, and I know this will get Nick and everyone worked up, but this is something that really is pervasive.
It's obviously meant to be... It's meant to be a...
I don't know what it's meant to be.
I will say this.
In action, it's evil.
In practice, it's evil.
Right now, they are trying to present the refugee situation with Ukraine.
Let's just get rid of where you line up with Ukraine and Russia for a second.
Let's get rid of that.
There are refugees.
Okay.
There are women and children who need to go someplace.
Okay, let's just start with that.
Now, what is the left trying to do?
They're trying to say that, well, actually, the only reason that people now care about these women and children, the refugees, In other words, if you have empathy, if you have a heart, they want you to feel guilty in this case.
Why?
Because something something refugees, racism.
It's because they're white.
Don't take my word for it.
A lot of people on TV didn't expect a war like this to happen in, let's say, certain neighborhoods.
Now people are going to be like, oh, to see this in Europe, to see this.
Like, I'll tell you now, I don't know about you, but I was shocked to see how many reporters around the world, by the way, seem to think that it's more of a tragedy when white people have to flee their countries.
Because I guess what?
The darkies were built for it?
Okay, let's face it.
The world is paying attention because this is happening in Europe.
If this was happening anywhere else, would we see the same outpouring of support and compassion?
Well, we don't need to ask ourselves if the international response would be the same if Russia unleashed their horror on a country that wasn't white and largely Christian.
Don't you have the Ilhan Omar clip, too?
Can someone get that to me?
Ilhan Omar.
It was in the montage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So Ilhan Omar also said that this is something we need to do because of their weight.
Let me know when you guys get that.
The one who made love to her brother?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
She needs to go to remedial not-bang-your-brother 101.
It's a night school.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe we have more sympathy because they don't bang their brothers.
You would think so.
But that's just, that's your privilege talking.
So this is echoed by the media, of course, and not just these folks who you just heard in late night.
Joy Reid, what is she?
I guess she's media.
Almost former media.
But here we have from ABC, let's read some headlines.
Europe's unified welcome of Ukrainian refugees exposes double standard for non-white asylum seekers.
Daily Beast, their headline reads, refugees from other wars want to know why white Ukrainians get VIP treatment.
And my favorite from The Guardian, Europe has rediscovered compassion for refugees, but only if they're white.
I thought the bitch was white!
That's what they want you to think it is.
Still my favorite quote.
That's a great quote.
Passionate.
Here's the thing.
It's 100% incorrect.
It's incorrect by the numbers, and it's incorrect in sentiment.
Let me just give you the numbers pretty quickly, okay?
2016, by 2016, Europe took in 5.2 million refugees from Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan, okay?
As of December 2021, America, the United States of America, took in 65,000 Afghan refugees.
And the United States and overseas bases.
I need to make sure that I say that, otherwise people will fact check me on that, you know.
And Biden raised the refugee cap to $125,000 in light of the Afghanistan crisis, largely created by him.
Those are, you know, white Christian places.
Yeah, well, less than 1% were Christian under Obama, despite the fact that these refugees leaving from places like Syria, Iraq, Christians were burned in cages.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're kind of surprised, like, well, why is it less than 1% of you coming here are the people who are being burned in cages, but you're part of the demographic that burns them in cages?
They're looking for a new place to do burnings.
Yes, exactly.
Iron necklaces?
Have you considered the wicker man?
Albuquerque's nice this time.
Though it won't bring back your honey.
So let's go to Ukrainian refugees.
Most of them have gone to Poland.
Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, Romania.
Neighboring countries, to be clear.
And that's kind of the rule with refugees, right?
The international rules state that you're supposed to, at least the sentiment, I don't know if it's an unwritten rule.
No wait, it's a written rule.
You're supposed to go to the nearest neighboring country if you're fleeing persecution to be safe.
Now that doesn't mean that if you're just coming from South America, from a country that is not as good as the United States of America, you get to come here in a Dodge Caravan and claim refugee status.
Right.
And you don't get to come here just because the economy's not doing well in your country.
Right.
That's not refugee status.
So 65,000, 5.2 million in Europe.
Anyone want to guess how many Ukrainian refugees have resettled here in the United States?
Nick, do you want to take a wild guess?
Um, 46.
Yep.
Close.
That must be a lot, because we're being called racist for taking so many of them.
That's 40 more.
It was 7.
Ah.
It was 7.
Oh.
And now they plan to admit up to 100,000 Ukrainians, bringing that total to 100,007.
I was pretty close.
You were close.
I was being a wise-ass.
I hadn't listened to a thing you guys have said for the last 5 minutes.
And I threw in 46.
Appreciate it.
I love that you went for the comical number and were 40 higher.
We were 40 higher and 100,000 lower than the aspirations.
I blocked it out right after you mentioned the premise of them accusing us of being... I go ballistic.
I go ballistic.
There's a red... It's like a fire in your brain.
It is.
I have to just back off and go, I don't want to get... Well, I appreciate that you didn't back off of that, too.
If people want to go see his stand-up, he pulls no punches.
And I will say this, a lot of comedians these days have turned into pussy boys, so I do appreciate that about Nick.
And I get mad too.
Look, rape is terrible, of course.
Rape is one of the worst crimes you can possibly commit.
Some can argue worse than murder.
People have argued that.
Says who?
It's also... Well, okay, look.
You doing the splits out in front of Delta Kappa fraternity eight times a week.
Screaming, I'm super drunk!
I hope no one takes advantage of me!
You're fine.
Not interested.
Not necessarily the same.
But rape is horrible.
But accusing someone of rape falsely, knowingly, like Brett Kavanaugh, that's horrible.
Right?
Racism is absolutely terrible.
We can all agree.
Falsely accusing someone of racism is absolutely horrible, and it's what they do to try and destroy someone's life.
Of course people are infuriated.
Now, here's something.
Let me just presuppose this.
Maybe the reason that public sentiment, Americans, find themselves more sympathetic, more...
You know, I don't even know where they get this from.
I honestly have no idea.
I didn't even know that Americans were more sympathetic to Ukrainian refugees until the media said that that was the case and it's because we're racist.
Honestly, I know that most Americans are pretty sympathetic to refugees across the board, whether they believe that we should resettle them or not.
But!
But did they even escape?
Sorry to cut you off, but did they even escape or were they just already here and we were like, you might not want to go back?
There's seven.
Right.
Was there just one lifeboat?
How did they get here?
That's like seven Ukrainians who were visiting and tried to take back a vape pen for their WNBA playoff game.
It makes no sense.
They were probably here and they were like, oh, you can't go back.
They've taken over your country.
We're not even accepting them.
They were just seven.
Just seven.
They were just at their aunt's house.
But maybe the reason that Americans might feel more sympathetic is because these are, I don't know, women and children.
These are women and children leaving Ukraine because, contrary to what happened in the Middle East, and by the way, there have been refugees from the Middle East...
Always.
Since forever.
They've never found peace there.
It has never been the case since any of you watching right now have been alive.
No one wants to take in a bunch of refugees from the Middle East who left the women and children to be tortured and killed.
Right?
That was the problem that we faced with some of these refugees before.
And according to Pew Research, less than 1% of the Syrian refugees were Christian under Obama.
According to Pew Research, all references are available at ladderwithcrowder.com, despite, again, Christians being the ones who were primarily persecuted in those countries.
Now in Ukraine, sorry, not the Ukraine, I get it.
In Ukraine, refugees are women and children since Zelensky banned men aged 18 to 60 from leaving the country.
Which, by the way, is also a sign that you have a really good country.
Yeah, fantastic country if you're willing to run out.
But listen... Build walls to keep them in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have to stay and fight.
Well, what does that mean?
Just go stand in the way of them.
Yes.
No, but they understand Russia's just going to do what he did to Grozny.
He's just going to bomb the hell out of it until it is absolutely the worst destroyed city on the planet, and then he's going to move to the next city.
And he's going to do it again.
He's doing it in Maripol right now.
If you look at some of the pictures that you see, and I don't know if I'm pronouncing that correctly, it is like the moon.
It is like another planet.
It doesn't look like a city inhabited by human beings.
We moved on from big girls.
Yes, we did.
When people are fleeing that, You have compassion.
The men are staying.
The women are coming from that.
Right.
Right?
They're fighting another country invading.
They're not fighting a faction within their country.
Right.
Like in Syria and other countries in the Middle East.
Right.
It's a different story.
I'm sorry.
Only the left in this country, while women and children are being slaughtered, can find race.
That's their focus.
Racism.
Exactly.
This country was built on inviting People from all over the planet, wasn't it?
I mean, think about it, we even let the Irish in!
Exactly!
Big mistake!
Irish are worse there!
Exactly.
Keep your famines overseas!
Also, I don't know if you know this, I don't know if you know a country that has a little bit of a racism problem sometimes.
The Ukraine.
What?
Do they really?
Yeah, Ukraine has some, they have some problems with some people who are, I don't know if you know, they're very white.
I hear they don't like Russians.
Yeah, that's what I hear, too.
Did you guys get the Ilan Omar clip, guys?
We got it.
Okay, good.
So this is also, of course, everyone's favorite brother-marrier-slash-banger, and Snopes doesn't know for sure.
They haven't verified it, so I don't know.
How about you do your job and verify it, Snopes!
Just carry the one, Snopes!
Here's Ilan Omar talking about something other than relations with her biological brother.
As we talk about this crisis in Ukraine, we have to make sure that there is a reckoning.
I hope this is a learning moment for all of us because obviously there's a difference in the way they talk about Ukrainian refugees who are white and the way black and brown and Muslim refugees from elsewhere are talked about.
Yeah, how did you get here and become a representative?
Exactly.
What a nitwit.
And who's they, by the way?
Right.
Yeah.
Is she married to a white guy?
Yeah, her brother.
Right.
That's her second marriage, yeah, to the white guy.
Pretty fly, though.
Honey, put your silly hat on and go pretend you care.
Yes, please do.
Thanksgiving's like a meat market to her.
Yeah.
Would you pass the Kramer?
No!
I love the pictures that they were showing, by the way, when she was talking.
Women, children, old men.
That's it.
Right.
And then they show the dog that will be killed or having to roam the streets in her homeland.
You need to train that dog to go kill the invaders.
It just sucks that that's the narrative, though, when it's seven people and you have all these different people working together to push this on everyone.
It's all about racism.
It's seven people in this country.
Hey, how about this?
How about we don't take Ukrainian refugees either?
How about that?
How about none across the board?
Yeah.
Is that fair?
Does that make me a prick?
How about none across the board?
White, brown, whatever.
Okay.
Fend for yourself.
Go to the nearest bordering country.
Not across the ocean.
Sounds good.
By the way, if you're pro taking in tons of refugees and spending other people's money and putting them in other communities and not your, take one first.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Lead by example.
You got plenty of room, Nancy.
I know you have plenty of rooms in your house.
You got plenty of ice cream.
We know that for sure.
Take some people into your house.
Do it.
You could start in San Francisco, the city that you've turned into a hellhole.
Yeah.
Do that there.
By the way, I don't even care.
You know, put it in a townhouse.
Have them live under the stairs like Harry Potter for all I care.
Just have some skin in the game.
Just like, let's go.
You'd bring them over from Merripul and they'd look at San Francisco.
I'm not staying here.
I'm going back home.
There's poop in the streets.
Exactly.
At least it's dog poop in my home country.
At least I know I'm being shelled over there.
Take cover.
You, in this city, you use AIDS like a biological weapon.
They just come in and see all the pills.
They're like, this is insane.
This is like Hunter S. Thompson's house.
Leaving Somalia?
All right, so look, this is one of those issues where I just think you guys can comment below and it depends where you line up.
Refugees or no refugees?
And you know what?
If there are a few people out there who, you know, the few remaining, the four remaining actual white supremacists, you know, if you guys think we should only have white refugees, then let people know who to not like in the comment section.
Just let your freak flag fly, but Nick DePauw is going to be in Fort Worth on Saturday, Dallas on Friday, Hyenas, we're going to go to chat, and of course the huge Change My Mind coming Monday and Tuesday.
What's happening?
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