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April 23, 2020 - Louder with Crowder

01:38:56

#670 | Trevor Noah Hates Freedom-Loving Americans | Ted Cruz Guests | Louder With Crowder

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	Now for a trip inside Trump World's Hall of Mirrors.
	Sorry.
	I said I wasn't going to do this.
	Jesus.
	This has never been about pollution.
	What is the matter with you?
	This is a lie!
	Again, they're saying breaking news!
	It's illegal to possess these stolen documents.
	You are fake news, sir.
	DON'T BELIEVE THEM!
	Oh no.
	Ha ha ha!
	Oh no! That sucks.
	Lotter with Crowder Studios. Protected exclusively by Walther.
	And Betty!
	The End.
	Watch this moody late night host slowly loosen her mind about the sounds of laughter and applause.
	Turn the television off.
	Usually they're up this late.
	Now I think my patience is slowly starting to disintegrate.
	Treasure Noah grew a dusty step to make the bees outside.
	Someone get Colbert a microphone.
	It's like they don't even try.
	It's not easy to work.
	These show folks are poor.
	It's not easy to work When they ain't better at all
	I see all those funny faces Afraid it could rub off
	What?
	Counties that are majority black have three times the rate of infections and the answer to all of Cuomo's questions is tragically familial.
	Centuries of racism.
	Alright, I'm going to do some jokes.
	So excited to be doing the show in front of my panic room.
	I mean, living room.
	Doing the show from my home for two reasons.
	First, to stop the spread of the coronavirus.
	Second, so I can write off my real estate tax.
	That's our monologue everybody!
	Trump wants every single one of these checks to have his signature on them.
	Which would be the first time he's ever put his name on something helpful.
	Dumbest thing he's decided to put his name on something really dumb.
	Brilliant!
	Do you ever think about calling Trump and suggesting ways that he could do better?
	We have never allowed any crisis from the Civil War straight through to the pandemic of 17, all the way around 16.
	We have never, never let our democracy take second place.
	I've never told jokes.
	I've never just told jokes to myself.
	That's a fact.
	I'm not even trying to be funny here.
	There's no jokes.
	What?
	You've got to be kidding me.
	You're a strange animal, that's what I know You're a strange animal, I've got to follow
	I'm a beast And...
	That's called the Late Night Expectant Joke, and instead it's a webcam video.
	To that, it's the old Ollie Shuffle.
	Whoa, whoa, whoa, expect me to be funny?
	No!
	What?
	What?
	Quite the zap.
	You got me again, Trevor Noah.
	Which I'll be talking about today.
	Trevor Noah, not a big fan.
	We have Senator Ted Cruz on the show.
	Right here, of course, is the winner for the stimulus funding, $1,200.
	Really?
	Yep, I'm going to read that a little bit later on.
	Everybody here, you guys have gotten your checks?
	You absolutely have.
	You know the problem?
	You are being paid more now than ever.
	Yeah, that's true.
	Because we're still working.
	Yes, well, that's good, right?
	Yeah, I think so.
	Well, anyway, this guy's going to appreciate it.
	Tomorrow morning, of course, we have Good Morning Mug Club since it's Mug Club Quarantine of the Month.
	We have Dan Crenshaw on the show.
	That's huge.
	That bastard, he bumped us.
	He didn't show up on Wednesday, so we'll have him tomorrow.
	The promo code is QUARANTINE.
	You get $30 off through the whole month of April.
	People are saying, what if they extend the quarantine in my municipality?
	Listen, it's not a regional promotion.
	You've got to be on a national level, guys.
	Come on.
	I'm sorry, Kent County, but you get the same rules as everyone else.
	And, of course, we're broadcasting twice a day, every day.
	And I am very tired.
	So, we have my half-Asian lawyer, Bill Richmond, is here.
	How are you, sir?
	He's lost 12 pounds.
	Yes!
	That's good for him.
	Thank you.
	I mean, that's like a twin.
	I know.
	It's amazing.
	Quarter Black Garrett is here.
	What's up?
	I'm glad you stuck your perfectly straight hair back underneath the baseball cap so that you can pass as biracial as opposed to 90s bully.
	Audio Wade is here.
	G Morgan Jr.
	Gerald A. What's the wine of the day?
	Wine of the day is Cosmic Egg.
	The Cosmic Egg.
	Funky label, right?
	I don't like it.
	Why do we have Brian Stelter's head as a wine?
	It does look like that, doesn't it?
	It doesn't look like that at all.
	Weak!
	We're going to be talking about Trevor Noah, late night, all of this.
	So my question for you, I guess, is what's your opinion been of late night during this pandemic?
	Kimmel, Colbert, Myers, which one do you think has done it best?
	Is there even a joke or a bit that stands out?
	I gotta tell you, I feel really good about it.
	Because for the first time, they've entered into our arena, and they suck.
	And they definitely suck.
	All of them suck.
	I used to think they were worthy competitors.
	Now, just unworthy.
	Unable to transition.
	And we'll be getting to, of course, the denigrating of all the American citizens who think they should be getting back to work, and Trevor Noah decided to take a big steaming South African crap on them.
	Ship him out!
	But first, first, we're all tied up in our national news.
	It's important to look to international politics.
	It is, always.
	To learn that, you know what?
	You can still die with dignity.
	Oh my gosh.
	Now either that guy is Uganda's Bill Murray equivalent in Get Low, or he's an asshole.
	And people took liberties with his funeral.
	Actually, in their culture, death is good.
	Really?
	Ah, yes.
	Because it's a sweet release from life.
	That's what I want at my funeral, man.
	Where is that option on the funeral home?
	Would you like the hype crew?
	To carry your casket?
	Sometimes I feel that way about this show.
	I want that.
	Yeah.
	How do I order that?
	What do you want?
	You want to be a black man with a planter's peanut sauce?
	I want all six of us.
	I don't know who was in that.
	That could have been me in there dancing.
	That's the best dancing I've ever seen.
	It's like looking into a mirror.
	Amazing.
	I love it.
	You're the one who's supposed to prevent us from getting banned on YouTube.
	I'm praising the dancing funeral.
	We have some news to get.
	Yeah, it's the racism of soft expectations.
	Bill, I know they're not all necessarily doing little rascals on each other's shoulders with a dragon going like this.
	Hey, I grew up Baptist.
	I love dancing in any form.
	Do you really?
	Yeah.
	How many words for snow do you have?
	Well, my people have 97 words for snow.
	Landbridge Theory, it checks out.
	News before we move on.
	COVID-19, of course, this is what everyone's talking about, and COVID-19 has changed a lot of people's minds.
	It's actually forced epidemiologists to question the long-standing medical theory that, quote, laughter is the best medicine.
	It's no secret, of course, that Donald Trump has been holding daily press briefings.
	We did a live stream with one of those, which networks have accused of turning into propaganda sessions, with CNN even going so far as to refuse to even air them, replacing it instead with a fat gay guy talking about them.
	Serving you just the facts.
	Brian Stelter this week stated, and I want to make sure I get this right, that it's, quote, okay to not be okay.
	This week when he was speaking of his grief over the coronavirus, even leading to his admission that he, quote, crawled into bed and cried for hours over the pandemic.
	And matters just weren't helped any when his tweet was protested by the Westboro Baptist Church, So that's a double whammy.
	It's too bad for him.
	It's a double whammy.
	It's tough when you get in their sights.
	I don't know if Stelter was expecting some empathy from this side of the peanut gallery.
	Sorely mistaken.
	He wouldn't cry with his millions of dollars.
	Don't worry.
	He's okay.
	Switching to international news.
	Back to international news because that's Bill's forte apparently.
	Love it.
	The dancing.
	A Kenyan governor announced plans to include Hennessy in coronavirus care packages this week.
	I like this guy.
	Yes.
	He claimed that, quote, alcohol plays a very major role in killing the coronavirus or any sort of virus.
	That's his quote, not ours.
	Don't snope us.
	Now, of course, Kenyan Governor Mike Sanko, he's not to be confused with Nigerian President Mahamadou Buhari, who himself is a notorious Colt 45 man.
	Works every time!
	It does.
	Hey!
	It works every time.
	Mike Sanko?
	I mean... You wouldn't expect that, would you?
	I mean, it's like a Bill Richmond.
	You know?
	It doesn't make sense.
	We are very proud of our leadership.
	He has done a fantastic job in leading our people to prosperity.
	Right, Mike?
	Back at ya!
	Uh, back to America.
	Of course, Joe Biden has been, um, it's not really a laughing matter.
	He's been showing troubling signs of early onset dementia, which has led many experts to question the capability of his basic memory.
	Though one thing he'll never forget, sniffing Shirley Temple.
	Oh my gosh.
	How does he?
	I'm not even going to say it.
	You'd remember.
	Probably my favorite joke I've ever written in my life.
	Because not only is he a pedophile, not only in that joke is Joe Biden very old, he's old enough to have been a pedophile when he sniffed Shirley Temple.
	And if you don't appreciate that, go watch Trevor Noah.
	In an odd turn of events, today is Shirley Temple's birthday.
	Really?
	Who knew that?
	Joe knows that.
	I'm not going to lie, I thought you meant that he dug her up and smelled her.
	That's what I thought.
	Don't overcomplicate the jokes!
	Also, this is other news, New York City mayor, for those of you who don't remember, Bill de Blasio.
	A lot of people forget, because there are so many notable mayors of New York, and then this guy.
	His social distancing tip line was flooded, by the way, with, warning if you have kids in the room, penis photos and Hitler memes.
	It's so funny.
	Yeah, let me explain the story of this.
	New Yorkers showed de Blasio how they felt about being asked to snitch on each other when his tip line went public by flooding it with crank complaints, including pictures of penises and memes featuring Adolf Hitler.
	Now, I do want to note that the photos were initially separate until the great meme convergence of Hitler d*** pic.
	And that became a problem.
	It took it too far.
	That is four raging Pinocchios.
	And all of a sudden, Anthony Weiner is back in the news.
	He is always back.
	Is he president yet?
	He should be.
	He needs something to do while his wife is off on her secret lesbian escapades.
	In religion news, Pope Francis said that whiskey is real holy water in a censored clip.
	Yeah.
	The clip was set to debut in an upcoming documentary, but it was censored by the Vatican over concerns for the Pope's image.
	And I mean, I understand they have to do damage control.
	This should come as no surprise from the man who once saw Mary in his crack rock.
	So really, he has a long standing... I see it.
	I see it.
	That is a partier.
	That is a large crack rock.
	He is one hell of a productive Pope.
	Yeah.
	You're more productive, apparently.
	He just cleaned the whole Vatican for hours.
	Yeah.
	I love how we're polishing it.
	Made his own shoes, huh?
	What's that, 24 karat?
	I want to see my face in it.
	Our best and smartest guy, especially when it comes to Mass Monday, is the one who is instantly identifying the absurd size of the crack rock.
	Yeah, I know.
	It's insulted.
	He was like, no, no, no, look at this one.
	What?
	Yeah.
	It should be Mass Crack Day.
	Because you do so much crack cocaine.
	I was picking up.
	I'm joking, he's a meth guy.
	Look how white he is!
	I have all my teeth!
	He can't afford crack, but give him some antifreeze and a couple bottles of nails and he's good to go.
	They sell nails in bottles?
	That shows you how the last time I went to a Lowe's.
	Right.
	Do you have any nails?
	I don't know.
	It depends.
	How much do you need?
	Like a bottle?
	I mean, you gotta pour them out, right?
	You got a bottle of nails?
	Preferably with a funnel included?
	I love how all of our contractor friends are like, what in the... These guys!
	No, no, they're going, what is he saying, man?
	Ouch!
	Come on, what do you mean?
	They're watching this on their iPhone on the back of a pickup truck.
	Now, we turn to the latest, of course, with coronavirus, COVID-19, whose rapid spread has changed the way that we now look at the disease.
	There have been some new updates this week, and we've talked about them quite a bit in the morning show.
	It's a little more laid back.
	We get into the ins and outs of death rates.
	So, understanding now that the vast majority of people who contract the disease are asymptomatic.
	We're learning this.
	This means that while the mortality rate is drastically lower than initially expected, and that's a good thing, more people can be potential carriers.
	So, you win some, you lose some.
	Unless you're the Detroit Lions.
	Hmm.
	Yeah.
	Then you just lose a lot.
	I wasn't expecting that one.
	So finally last week, dozens of celebrities teamed up.
	I thought you were going to say Bernie.
	I've decided that I don't care anymore.
	You guys go along with it.
	You don't have to show it.
	Heavy is the... Heavy wears the crown?
	Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
	I have a big head.
	I have famous guy head, I'm just not that famous.
	So it just comes with all sort of cranial complications.
	Without the benefit of a multi-million dollar contract.
	None of them.
	Finally, I think, was it last week?
	Yeah.
	Dozens of celebrities, they teamed up for an eight-hour stream called One World.
	And by the way, whenever One World is in the, you know it's going to be crap.
	Just don't.
	From a Saturday morning show after Hang Time and City Guys, anyone out there who remembers it, you know what I'm talking about.
	There's one Asian actor in there.
	Sorry, I don't represent your people well.
	I looked good.
	I never do.
	From that all the way to, you know, whatever it is.
	This thing right here, it's called One World Together at Home.
	One of the standout performances, of course, was this one, viral, was from the Rolling Stones.
	♪ Now you can't always get what you want ♪ ♪ Now you can't always get what you want ♪
	Keith Richards.
	Huh.
	He's basically been embalmed.
	Yeah, I don't know how he does it.
	Not their best.
	He's never been sober, and it works for him.
	Who's gonna tell Keith Richards to sober up?
	Yeah, he's just being preserved by other drugs.
	Not I. King Tut plays his guitar.
	He's well pickled, okay?
	Come on.
	Think about your family.
	You think about your family, eh?
	It would just never... it wouldn't end well.
	What are you going to tell me?
	Huh?
	What am I doing wrong?
	I'm just sitting here playing the maracas, making millions.
	Who cares if I look like Captain Jack Sparrow?
	It works!
	Oh, my wife's from Liverpool.
	I don't think that's that.
	I don't think that's regionally accurate.
	No, it's not.
	Probably not.
	Now, of course, there were a lot of people, they were talking about how you hear in there, there's a shaker sound.
	Yeah, I heard it.
	But the person who was using the shaker wasn't pictured.
	Oh.
	And so this became sort of a phenomenon online.
	People had conspiracies, who was doing this.
	Right.
	Wow.
	Here at the Letter with Crowder program, we have an exclusive Hey man, are you getting camera raw?
	made available to us of the mysterious shaker player. Since we couldn't afford the rights, though, to be clear, you'll
	be happy with this half-vision, but we couldn't afford the
	rights to the Rolling Stones song. We didn't want to run afoul of the
	copyright. So here is the isolated track.
	Hey man, are you getting camera? It's not showing up on zoom.
	We have seven minutes of that available on Triter Pads.
	When you get an exclusive, you have to take advantage of the scoop.
	Yeah.
	Well, that's the problem with Zoom, the unmute.
	He just, he did it.
	I don't know anything about, that's Zoom humor.
	Yeah.
	It's not my genre of humor.
	I don't even know if it's humor.
	Your humor, your genre, your wheelhouse is Zoom and crack rocks.
	Crack rocks that are oversized.
	Look at them.
	Zoom and tights.
	Do the research.
	Hey, Quarterback Eric, what are the tweets of the week that we have up here?
	We had a bunch of tweets.
	New Mug Club members, they got their mugs within five days.
	Oh, look at that!
	That's awesome.
	That's pretty awesome.
	Thank you so much for signing up.
	Some Black Rifle coffee in there.
	Yeah.
	Breakfast.
	I noticed people really like the Dark Roast from Black Rifle, which is, you know, I'm not a big fan of Dark Roast.
	I'm a fan of the Medium Roast.
	But you know, if it's your thing.
	Is that your favorite from the Medium?
	You said you liked it.
	There are multiple medium.
	Medium kind of roast.
	Well, I feel like an idiot.
	Is that favorite from them is red?
	Yes.
	Yes.
	From them, the medium?
	Thank you for picking a color knowing I couldn't see it.
	Well, how are you a sommelier?
	That brings a lot of things to question.
	What do you have that goes well with a nice filet?
	Oh, I don't know.
	You can have yourself a nice white or green.
	Let's stick with the white.
	Why don't you just tell me the name of the wine you would like, sir?
	I've been faking it for a very long time, Steve.
	It's tiring.
	This, I believe, is speckled.
	That's champagne.
	It is.
	It's champagne.
	It is.
	The winner, by the way, you will be receiving $1,200 because I don't need the stimulus check, and we're able to keep our jobs here.
	I know that many of you have been affected.
	It is, what's his name?
	It's Father to Ellie West.
	Father to Ellie West Edgar?
	I hope I didn't dox you.
	That sounds like a long name, and doxing would be the least of your worries.
	Here we have it from me.
	He says he's a 25-year-old driver for a trucking company.
	He's gone away for weeks at a time.
	Here's why I am asking for a blessing.
	Starting February 2019, my wonderful wife found out she's three weeks pregnant with her beautiful baby boy.
	Congratulations.
	Not even three days after finding out the news, her health went down.
	She's in bed rest, as of right now.
	He's the only income for them.
	So, man, you know what?
	I know a lot of people have been affected.
	If I had the money, I would give $1,200 away to everybody.
	But you know what?
	You guys should hit up Trevor Noah, because he wants to give back.
	Just kidding, he's a f***er.
	Andrew Yang might do it too, you know.
	Well, Yang is generous.
	With my money.
	With your money, yeah.
	He'll take it from you and give it to other people.
	Kind of like when you leave, I serve your wine up to everyone else.
	The difference is I know which color it is.
	Which one?
	Do you understand how color works?
	I think.
	He's like covering it up, like, it's glass!
	It's see-through!
	It's translucent!
	I can still see!
	Now you're just clutching it like a baby because it's your unhealthy addiction.
	Everything you do makes things worse in this room.
	It does.
	I should sit still.
	I love you.
	I see that.
	I saw it the other day.
	No, I really do.
	You were great too, by the way.
	Thank you for flying co-pilot in the press briefing live stream.
	Yeah, absolutely.
	By the way, we are doing a live stream next Thursday where we will be doing another press briefing.
	We'll be doing exactly—and then continuing through CNN primetime, fact-checking them since they won't run the press briefing.
	Who do we have?
	We have Chris Cuomo, we have Wolf Blitzer, Aaron Burnett.
	The whole Rose Gallery.
	Yeah, because a lot of you gave us some positive feedback that you liked the press briefing and you want us to do more of it, and we thought, well, you know what, though?
	Then the next day we were sort of covering the lies that happened after the press briefing, and since we won't be doing a show next Friday, since that's the end of Mug Club Quarantine, we just said, let's just do four hours because I'm a sadomasochist.
	You are.
	Nothing like finishing strong.
	Yeah, well, let's go with that.
	So I want to talk Trevor Noah.
	A lot of people have been making these same exact claims out there where they've just been vilifying anyone who wants to go back to work as conspiracy theory nuts, as morons, as flyover dunces.
	So let's specifically just target Trevor Noah because I think he's everything wrong with not America because he's not from here and he shouldn't be here, just humanity.
	I don't know how that guy got a visa.
	Was the HB1 for highly skilled workers?
	No, no, no, no, no.
	Somehow he got in.
	Somehow someone tricked the taxman into thinking Trevor Noah is a highly skilled worker.
	Never saw Letterman, I'm guessing.
	I think he also tricked people into thinking he was funny, too.
	Well, that was the implication.
	Way to lay it out there, Joe.
	Well, just in case somebody misses it.
	So here's the context.
	I want to run some clips and we'll go through.
	He's just emblematic of this so it's perfect because we can rebut all of his points because it kind of just, it's this amalgamate of horrible points and straw men that everyone else has been making.
	Here's a clip.
	I think we're the first clip.
	He's vilifying the protesters and right here, this is the same attack you hear all the time, that people who are protesting out there right now who want to restart the economy, they clearly want to increase deaths.
	Over the weekend, America surpassed 40,000 confirmed coronavirus deaths and 750,000 confirmed infections.
	And because of that, most of us have accepted that as painful as it is, we need to stay at home a little longer until we can get those numbers under control.
	But it turns out there's a different group of people around the country who are saying, How can we get those numbers to go up?
	He's wearing a sweater that makes him look like he's being raped.
	Protests erupting coast-to-coast with calls to end stay-at-home orders.
	Thousands lining the streets of Wisconsin, rallying cries from Washington to Colorado to Maryland.
	Actually, people just want it.
	First off, it's just so bad.
	If you make that hood pink, that's Justin Trudeau, the way he is dressed right now.
	And his little Edmond Dantesque.
	He looks like an uncircumcised Trevor Noah.
	I guess if there's, like, some penicillin on the...
	I've got a vision in my head.
	It is remarkable to me that we vilify these people who want to go back to work, by the way.
	And now we're seeing the numbers.
	Increased suicides, increased anxiety, depression.
	Why do you want more people to die by locking them at home?
	This is something important to note.
	22 million Americans file jobless claims.
	Wow.
	Surveys show that one in four Americans have either lost their job or had pay cut from shutdowns.
	They don't even know how much this is going to lessen.
	I think it was 35 percent of retailers that were non-groceries, 20-something percent of hotels, 15 to 20 percent of restaurants.
	They say they'll have to close if the crisis continues over the coming months.
	And we know that that kind of stress and trauma comes with suicide, depression.
	That is more of a burden on our health system than building extra hospitals that are entirely empty.
	Yeah, and people are picking on other states for opening up, saying, look, you don't need to get your hair cut, you don't need to go to a nail salon, right?
	And that's not really the point.
	It's emblematic of the whole shutdown.
	It's like, we need to be able to go out and do things that are safe enough to do.
	Don't just pick the hair salons and the nail salons and tattoo parlors and say, we can't do that.
	We can go out and shop six feet away.
	If Home Depot can be open, Nebraska Furniture Mart can be open.
	Trevor Noah's perm guy, he does house calls.
	Oh, well that's convenient.
	From six feet away.
	way. A lot of people don't realize that's a perm. Looking to a part time.
	So here's another claim that he made.
	Bill, you nothing, nothing, half-Asian Bill?
	Nothing today?
	It's like he's dead.
	He's just like over there.
	He's not even alive today.
	I don't know what happened.
	You insulted my people.
	Hold on.
	I'm just counting all the money I'm going to make from legal fees.
	You're getting sued over these jokes.
	I love it.
	I love it.
	Come at me, Trevor Noah.
	Come at me, bruh.
	No.
	No, he won't.
	No, he won't.
	He won't.
	He's very small and unfunny.
	Wispy.
	Wispy, yes.
	Wispy.
	Very wispy.
	He has a mustache like the Taco Bell dog.
	Yeah.
	He has a mustache like Amber Heard should beat the shit out of him.
	Domestic abuse joke.
	It's funny when it happens to men.
	It is.
	You can't joke about rape ever, unless it's about men.
	Then it's a good time for all.
	Here's something else that he talks about.
	He has this misconception about flattening the curve.
	Have you noticed, by the way, we were always talking about flattening the curve.
	That was the whole thing.
	That was the whole thing.
	You're not hearing that nearly as much now.
	It's flatten the curve, flatten the curve, gotta flatten the curve, gotta flatten the curve, gotta flatten the curve.
	That's always what we heard.
	Well, here's the thing.
	Flattening the curve, people need to understand this.
	You can't eliminate the disease by flattening the curve.
	It was to manage the cases in a way so that the healthcare system wasn't overloaded.
	Here's the graphic that I think we would always see.
	And I get it.
	You just look at the graph.
	It doesn't really mean anything.
	You can look into the numbers because you can make a graph look like anything.
	But that was the idea.
	And that's a legitimate thing to do.
	I want to make this very clear.
	We should do that.
	We absolutely did do that, by the way.
	This is why they said, we need 40,000 ventilators, and it turned out they didn't even need 4,000.
	They opened up these new hospitals and now they're shutting them down.
	They're laying off or furloughing health care workers because we have not seen this influx of people.
	Remember early on they said, hey, if you think you have symptoms and you're young, stay home.
	Don't overload the hospital.
	Now at HuffPo and CNN they're saying, young people are waiting too long before they flood hospitals!
	They were converting stadiums into hospitals.
	They were building hospitals in Central Park.
	They were doing all these field hospitals and they're like, oh hell, we built those and now we don't need them.
	We don't need any of it.
	And by the way, just something to be clear, flattening the curve is important so that you obviously give, it's that rubber band effect, that you give the healthcare system enough time to deal with the burden.
	But as far as the disease, flattening the curve can often just make it go longer.
	You need to be clear about it.
	By definition, it makes it go longer.
	I was trying to hedge my words because my lawyer was in the room.
	So go ahead and you can say it definitively.
	Fine.
	Fine.
	I mean, whenever you look at every single graphic of flattening the curve, they're saying, stretch it out as long as possible.
	Again, to not overload.
	Like GAC.
	Yes, just like GAC.
	Just like a crappy Play-Doh that your mom made at home because she wouldn't get you the real stuff.
	I didn't even know what that was.
	And you're really resentful about it.
	Like the Stretch Armstrong mini because my parents couldn't afford the creepy crawling machine when I was a kid.
	Same thing.
	Oh, wow.
	And you just stretch it out.
	It still hurts, Gerald.
	But then the question goes, how long?
	Can you see how red my face is?
	Look at him.
	Oh no, that's right, he can't.
	Looks like an Asian drinker.
	I'm sorry, I interrupted your point, and you're the smartest in here.
	No, I am second smartest to Gerald.
	Hey, you missed.
	You're going to keep dragging it out.
	Drag it out until when?
	November, December 2025?
	I mean, that's the issue.
	The folks we go back to, like Rachel Maddow, you pointed out last week, is saying, we can't even think.
	About reopening.
	Oh, we're just supposed to not think about saving jobs?
	About opening up the economy?
	About allowing people to support themselves?
	Who's going to pay rent in November if we're still shut down?
	Oh, AOC hasn't.
	Just don't pay rent.
	Yeah, that's a great plan.
	But what if I have a mortgage?
	Just don't pay.
	But what about the guy who needs you to pay so that he can pay?
	Well, he doesn't have to pay.
	Where does it go?
	More debt from China?
	You don't understand how this works.
	You bug-eyed bug!
	No, no, you know she knows.
	That wet kachoo!
	She knows.
	Hey, A.O.
	Pug definitely knows this is One Step Closer.
	She reminds me of like a sort of milky brown version of Star Jones after she lost the weight and you're like, ooh, put it back on, put it back on.
	That face wasn't built for that body.
	Yeah, some people lose weight and they're looking great, like Bill with 12 pounds.
	Bill looks good at any weight.
	And then there's some people like Al Roker where they just look like they once upon a time were wearing a fat suit.
	It's like an Edgar suit.
	Yeah, like unzipped.
	Hey, it's me, Val Kilmer.
	What?
	That's one for you, Al Roker.
	So, what's happening in your neck of the woods?
	Which neck?
	As long as our healthcare systems are not overwhelmed, flattening the curve beyond what we have done, it's not going to save lives.
	It's likely the same amount of people who will die during the total duration of the disease.
	Right?
	That's important.
	So, this begs the question.
	This is important, like you just brought up.
	If hospitals are not overburdened, and if you're watching CNN you may not know this, objectively, they are not.
	They're not.
	They've built new hospitals.
	I don't know that any single new hospital has had to be used.
	I know that the vast majority of them, we reported on this in the morning, are empty and they're shutting them down.
	I don't know if there's a single one.
	There probably could be.
	But I don't know.
	Most hospitals, extra hospitals, are not being used at all.
	The hospitals that we currently have are not at capacity or over capacity.
	So it begs this question, if hospitals are not overburdened, which was the goal of flattening the curve, that means we've done it.
	What is the goal of a continued indefinite shutdown?
	You started this with, we've got to flatten the curve.
	OK, we've done it.
	And now you want to excoriate anyone who says, all right, we've done it.
	Time to get back to work.
	Why?
	And I know I'm doing a little bit of a Jesse Ventura right now, who might join the Green We can party, which please?
	I know I'm just asking questions, but I'll give you the answer, because they want this to drag on indefinitely.
	Here's the thing.
	Right now, if we start the economy back up and we get back to the best economy that we've ever had, guess what?
	People are going to remember this in November.
	Initially, they wanted you to remember this in November.
	So do I. Now, they want you to still be in this come November, because there's no objective reason to try and flatten the curve when it's already been done.
	There's no objective reason for an indefinite shutdown.
	And by the way, Europe, many places in Europe, they're far more leftist.
	They don't have conservatives.
	No.
	They have liberals and liberal separatists and communists.
	And they're like, well, we're going to shut down our economy forever.
	Well, that's ridiculous.
	Yeah, that's a really terrible idea.
	And this is a classic example.
	Somewhere the Swedish chef is going verd to f**k.
	Well, this is a classic example of the treatment killing the patient.
	So the whole goal was to save the hospital system, essentially, right?
	Don't overwhelm it so that it ends up collapsing, right?
	Now what they've done is they've taken away the main source of income, which is elective procedures, and now hospitals are facing- Stop looking down!
	Stop looking down at your notes!
	It moved!
	I'm sorry!
	Something moved!
	It moved!
	Because you're not supposed to be looking at- What's up with Gerald?
	Gerald writes a note down.
	There are two words, and you're looking down like you can't remember what you're about to say.
	Like a T-Rex.
	Movement-based.
	Gerald's notes, right?
	We don't really use prompter here.
	What we have are some notes that we just scribble and we put on an iPad.
	Just to make sure we don't get it wrong.
	Inside baseball, I make sure that everyone remembers their points.
	They're color-coded.
	I f***ed you without even meaning to!
	Oh my gosh!
	I just randomly hope that it is.
	I didn't realize until just now that Gerald's points are color-coded.
	It's okay, man.
	And that's why you sound retarded sometimes.
	I don't think they used to only be color. I swear to God they used to only be color-coded
	And then I really like huh Gerald puts in like it's just a weird like if ever you could see this
	Yeah, it says like clip B. Trevor Noah says that's all we're going there
	But then I thought it was weird that it was blue my case of blue is Gerald's color, and then he started adding GM colon
	He forgets his name, I just wow I feel horrible you should you sure I don't but I love you
	now. I understand anyway, right no But the point is don't look down because the color won't
	fade.
	Something moved and I looked out.
	I'm not a T-Rex!
	I've made that joke five minutes ago!
	These are your own sticky notes.
	Alright, so back to the point was that we are going to do the same thing that we were trying to avoid in the first place and kill the economy at the same time.
	Right.
	And we're going to make the hospitals close down because they don't have enough money to keep the staff on anymore.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	They have to open back up.
	They absolutely have to or they will be gone.
	Of course, they're saying they need to open back up now.
	Like, we should start doing some, you know, like knee surgeries again.
	Yeah, so our whole point to save the hospital is killing the hospital.
	Yeah.
	And the next point here that we have from Trevor Noah is he makes this claim, you hear this a whole bunch, this idea that people are out there, the more you protest, right, all of you protesters out there, I don't know, I can't do the accent.
	It doesn't, I've known a lot of South Africans, they don't sound like him.
	No.
	It's hard to do **** accent.
	You've got to add that layer of difficulty.
	It's really more of a lilt.
	It's hard.
	You know, it's easy if you're doing, like, a Mickey Rooney breakfast at Tiffany's or something, like an old school Milton Berle, but just like, ah, how do I convey unfunny ****?
	It's tough.
	But with an international vibe.
	Oh, no, no, no.
	I bet you he was probably raised in, like, Westmount.
	I get it, guys.
	So this is his point, that the more that you protest, right, the longer we're going to have to lock down.
	All around the country, over the weekend, protests- Birthing sweater!
	Demanding an immediate end to lockdowns.
	And let's be honest, people, this is both insane and counterproductive.
	Because the more you gather in groups, the longer the lockdown will have to go on.
	Can you imagine if during the AIDS crisis, mobs of people gathered to gangbang that monkey that started it all?
	What do we want?
	Monkey sex!
	When do we want it?
	Now!
	Okay.
	The problem is I still have an injured foot, and it's going to be very difficult for me to finger with my toe the trigger to the shotgun in my mouth.
	Yeah, it'll be difficult.
	It is so painfully unfunny that my back hurts right now watching it.
	A couple of reasons.
	Let me give you why.
	First off, it's 2009 YouTube crap.
	Where someone is doing the whole, like, hey, and I, we used to do this back, like, Philip DeFranco would do it.
	Like, you, you would kind of do a character, in his case, a straw man, right?
	You'd do a character, maybe you'd put on, like, if you were Shane Dawson, you'd go on blackface by slapping pudding on your face to be Corbin Blue and then hope people forget about it.
	But the point is, you would do that and then go back to commentary.
	But the issue here is, uh, he's bad at it.
	It's straw manning.
	It's not funny.
	And this is something we've talked about, uh, Court of Black Garrett.
	He's not, he's not projecting to the audience.
	He's playing to the room.
	And so, we've had this... Yeah, remember when we were in green screens every time we've performed?
	Sometimes we've been doing, like, Saving Private Ryan.
	And people would be sitting there going, talking, hey, Captain, like this, whispering.
	I'm going, listen, I know we're in a small room with a green screen, but picture yourself being on the battlefield.
	So if Trevor Noah were a professional performer with any experience, let me explain to you why that's awkward.
	Sure, he's unfunny to begin with, right?
	But, what do we want?
	No, that should be back off from the microphone, What do we want?
	Yelling like you would be outside at a protest, give it some passion, then it doesn't feel so awkward with people wanting to punch you in the face.
	And it's not because you're South African, it's just because you're bad at your job.
	It remains unfunny, though, even if it's louder.
	No, yeah, all of those things.
	It would at least be done well.
	At least it would have some enthusiasm.
	Some commitment.
	And here's the truth of the matter here is that, yeah, okay, obviously there have been some dumb protesters, but in a lot of these protests, people are staying in their cars with plenty of space in between, and I've seen people in their cars with masks, which we encouraged masks back when the CDC was saying don't wear masks, and actually I think that you should be wearing masks.
	So protests when you're destroying public property, good.
	Protest now, bad.
	Yeah, protest now, bad.
	And I will say, you should wear a mask, I think we should destigmatize masks in public, but if you're wearing a mask in your car, you're a p***y. So!
	And an idiot.
	Yeah, I love that too.
	I saw a guy with a mask on, I swear to you, I drove up next to him, he had a mask, and he did everything wrong.
	He grabbed it from the middle, grabbed it from the middle, pulled it down, and vaped.
	Just doing my part!
	It was the post.
	It wasn't a vape so much as a crack rock.
	But it's always remarkable to me.
	No one talks about, I haven't seen this on many other shows or any other shows, we're talking about people being in their cars, for example, in a Lansing Cap.
	Let's take even a more extreme example.
	Some people on the beach who are maybe not exactly six feet apart out in the UV light with the salt water.
	That's something that we need to be upset about.
	People in parks who are distanced.
	None of it compares to the people in New York who are in the subways every day.
	They've never been closed.
	They have never been closed.
	Why aren't we b******g about that?
	I understand this because when you live in a big city, you can't be independent.
	You can't get in your car and drive anywhere.
	I used to think New York was a living hell.
	When I was there, because I had to get on the subway.
	I was on the east side, where I had to take the green line.
	And at that point, they were talking about how they were going to build another one, I think, on... Where were they going to build another one?
	It might have been on 2nd.
	They never did.
	They never did.
	It was a project that's been going on for 30 years.
	I think they built it now.
	And I would have three subways go by that were full, where I couldn't get on, so I had to wait for the next one in New York.
	This is... I can't... Find me a place more contaminated than the L train.
	Right.
	Have you seen the Warriors?
	Do you know how many COVID strains you've catched just bopping your way to Kony to avoid the baseball furies?
	Okay.
	Anyway, I just am amazed that no one's talking about the subways more, and I hate subways, so any chance I can dig at them?
	Yeah, well, you should be able to, but that would be the only fair thing to do, right?
	You have to have some kind of media coverage saying if somebody's in a car in Michigan, it's really just pointing out that they're doing it to people that they like.
	Democrat governors are facing these protests.
	That's what they're trying to protect against.
	Uh, here's another claim that he made, and you've heard this quite a bit, and this is not new, but Trevor Noah makes it because he doesn't really have, he doesn't have a sense for originality.
	He doesn't even enter into the equation that the protests are, of course, far-right and some are anti-Semitic or something.
	Now, these protests have clearly been infused with a far-right ideology.
	Clearly.
	Many demonstrators wore MAGA hats, they held up anti-Semitic signs, and in Michigan, they even waved Confederate flags, a clear symbol of Michigan's proud Southern heritage.
	All right, that last one was a little funny, I'll give you that, but let's be really clear here.
	The sign that said, Hail Whitmer, that's not anti-Semitic, it's comparing Governor Whitmer to Hitler, which I would not personally do.
	They're trying to imply that her orders are fascist, you know, like they do with Trump all the time.
	And most importantly, it's a pun that works.
	You should take notes.
	They should give you a weekend course, Trevor Noah.
	He doesn't understand, like, hell with math.
	Oh, is this, you support the SS?
	No, he just likes jokes, you prick.
	I do like it just completely unironically is talking about how comparing someone who engages in wrongful government tyranny as a bad person is somehow against the Jews.
	Right.
	But there's no correction.
	But that is the thing.
	He's not the only one.
	He thought the quote was, first, they came to protect the Jews.
	And then there was no one left to protect me.
	That's not the quote.
	The quote is, they came and you said nothing.
	These people are saying something.
	That's exactly what they're doing.
	So bad.
	No, that's a good point.
	Obviously, I thought you were going to go the direction of South Africa, because government tyranny.
	Well, there too, yeah.
	That too.
	But he's from Westmont, not really South Africa.
	That's true.
	I don't even know where Westmont is.
	Westmont is an area in Montreal.
	I just threw it out there.
	I just used words.
	It sounded nice.
	And also, you may be new, and I know some people out there are saying, well, what about the swastika that I saw at these protests?
	Yeah, well, it turns out that was actually an Antifa supporter pretending to be a Trump supporter, and it wasn't even a lockdown protest at all.
	It was at a Bernie rally.
	So there is that.
	And it's pretty cheap to define a movement, even if any of these claims were true, which they're not, it's pretty cheap to define a movement by a few bad apples.
	Every movement like this, every protest, every rally is going to potentially have an idiot that shows up.
	And we can all point at them and say, yeah, they're idiots.
	That doesn't mean that every other person that was there trying to make sure they can put food on the table should be lumped in with that person.
	Right.
	And that's exactly what he's doing with all of this.
	Yeah, it's remarkable.
	I mean, every job is essential to the people who rely on it to maintain a living.
	It is remarkable to me.
	Hey, let me ask you out there, folks who, you know, work.
	Are there still those people out there?
	Is it essential for you to, you know, make a living?
	Yeah.
	You tell me.
	I don't know.
	We'll put up a poll on Twitter.
	We'll see what the answers are.
	I have no idea.
	We'll see if that's a normal part of life.
	And I'm not going to lie, that poll will have incredibly redundant answers.
	It will.
	There's only one answer.
	It's going to be pretty good.
	By the way, if you haven't joined Mug Club yet, of course, please do.
	Use the quarantine promo code.
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	There you go.
	Good morning Mug Club.
	One more week.
	Congratulations.
	I saved you the horror of having to click!
	Damn you, Amazon!
	Making a slice.
	I'm sorry.
	I'm angry today because I had to spend all morning watching Trevor Noah.
	What were you about to say?
	I was going to say podcast.
	I've actually been listening to podcasts a lot more.
	So for the episodes that I'm not on, I listen to it.
	So I'm out there while I'm being forced to do work.
	If you don't want to see my face, podcast is a good way to go.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Gerald, did you hear that?
	I actually listened to the show.
	Oh, is that required on the job?
	Yeah, because he walks in and he's like, so what are we talking about today?
	Ha ha ha, OK.
	Prep?
	What's that?
	Here's another claim that he makes from Trevor Noah is that reopening the economy is anti-science.
	Why?
	Because something, something, something, unfunny something, Dr. Fauci.
	You see, after Dr. Fauci appeared on the network and made the case for continuing the shutdowns, Fox News decided to get a second opinion from the doctor.
	It's like a Malcolm in the Middle transition.
	Everyone can trust.
	Talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw appearing on Fox News blasting the government's response appearing to downplay the pandemic.
	Okay, uh, listen.
	Dr. Phil is not the voice of these protesters.
	Far be it from me to defend Dr. Phil.
	That being said, And this is why they don't run the press briefings.
	This is why we did the press briefing live stream, and we will do it next Thursday.
	Donald Trump's plan for reopening the economy, it's been created, developed very carefully with a team of doctors, pretending that it's just, all right, open forth the floodgates.
	That's not what he's planning.
	You're talking about a multi-phase system that still involves mainly social distancing and protecting our most vulnerable all the way until phase three.
	If I'm not mistaken, they're going to be adding more phases, which is a little bit ridiculous to me.
	Not that we shouldn't have phases, but we don't need 4, 5, and 6.
	Go 17.
	Then it becomes, then it just becomes, you know, like the Leprechaun series.
	And you end up, what the f- Leprechaun in space?
	Leprechaun's going to- Doesn't even matter.
	Leprechaun in Harlem?
	Doesn't even work.
	This doesn't even work!
	He would never go to Harlem.
	He'd go to space.
	And all the black people would scatter!
	They're terrified of that stuff!
	Yeah.
	I mean, you've never seen David Blaine's street magic?
	You know what is crazy about all this?
	Is we're not shut down right now.
	And I mean the whole country.
	I mean there's not a single jurisdiction in the United States, city, county, or otherwise, that is completely shut down.
	Every one of them are already in a staged opening in the sense that there are certain businesses, and whether you call them essential or not, but pet stores are open.
	Why?
	Because you got to go to the business.
	You got to be able to get food for your pets.
	I understand that.
	There are a number of different businesses that are still operating.
	So what we're talking about is it changed by degree.
	So everyone who goes, If we open a single business, the whole America will die.
	Right.
	Right.
	Doesn't make any sense.
	We're already open right now.
	So all we're talking about is making this change by degree, whether we need to do two phases or four phases or we need to approach it.
	I mean, the thing you've talked about before, since the very beginning of this was, can we do some kind of spot quarantine?
	Can we do this in a way that minimizes the amount of closure as opposed to just this blanket close?
	And wait, we're doing it already and we're going to open it safely.
	Quarantine old people, sick people, the most vulnerable, since that makes up 95% of the deaths, and then allow everyone else to not be thrust into a third-world economy.
	Seems to me to be reasonable, that's what we're suggesting.
	I guarantee you, anyone out there, if they're complaining, if you see people on Facebook, anyone out there, this is your job, okay?
	People complaining about the reopening, show them, send them the link to the actual plan, the three-phase plan of reopening.
	No one, No one will have a problem with it.
	And by the way, if they ever shut down Quick Trip, I'm dead.
	My diet is nothing but neurobliss and taquitos.
	That is the hill that you would die on, isn't it?
	You would break into the Quick Trip to get your stuff.
	Real quick, you made a great point, that phase plan.
	Go out there and look at it.
	I guarantee there's people watching right now that have no idea it even exists because no one is covering it in the media.
	It is a phased approach where you can go, all right, is phase one going okay?
	Are we spiking our numbers?
	No.
	Let's go to phase two.
	That is the most reasonable thing to possibly do.
	I gotta say, I'm just so disappointed in so many of these conservative hosts out there who have gone along with it because, listen, we're not right about everything, but when it comes to this, compared to any, we've been right about a lot.
	We've taken a very balanced approach, and guess what?
	When you're the only one who's right, you get no credit for it.
	Because no one else wants to highlight how wrong they are.
	You have to lay off half of Fox News.
	Go back!
	Go back and watch it!
	Just watch the show.
	The people arguing that we should stay closed are the people who are, most of the time, affected the least by it.
	So we should take note of that.
	The people who have the least skin in the game are the ones who are saying, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, stay closed and see how long we can run with this chicken, you know, how this chicken can run without its head.
	Yeah.
	I thought you were going to mix metaphors.
	I think you kind of trailed off and you were like, which metaphor am I, what?
	Why'd I stop?
	Mattie!
	He's going to spell you, Mattie!
	Get out of there!
	Want to talk about the disaster of 1917, no wait, 16, 18?
	He's going the wrong way.
	No, I appreciate that.
	That's a good point.
	Like AOC.
	They're just like, ah, just don't show up to work!
	That's what AOC says.
	Really?
	Terrible idea.
	Well, you say that after you get primaried, you crazy broad.
	I would love for her not to show up to work.
	I do have to agree with her on that point.
	Everyone has a choice.
	But what you're doing is you're taking away everyone else's choice.
	You're telling them that you don't know how to exercise the kind of precautions that are important.
	And what's really emblematic of this from everything else is it's the kind of paternalistic You can't be trusted to do something correct.
	When you talk about guns, you talk about raising a family, you talk about all of these different things, it comes down to can you be trusted as an individual to mostly make the right decision and have an agency to do it on your own?
	Or do you need the government to dictate every step you can take, every move you make?
	And don't be confused by the fact that Don't be misled by me giving away $1,200 to a truck driver who's a fan of the show.
	If you choose to not show up to the work, you'll be fired immediately.
	That's right.
	I'm here.
	No apologies.
	Unprepared.
	I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.
	Phil's like, you can talk to me, HR.
	Here's also, by the way, what we're talking about Fauci, as Trevor Noah was, he said that we could reopen the economy soon.
	This isn't like it's foreign to him.
	The U.S.
	economy may be able to start reopening as early as next month.
	That's according to Dr. Anthony Fauci.
	The nation's top infectious disease expert told CNN the economy could gradually reopen in various parts of the country depending on the status of the pandemic, widespread testing availability, and sharp declines of people who are seriously ill.
	We are hoping that at the end of the month we could look around and say, okay, is there any element here that we can safely and cautiously start pulling back on?
	If so, do it.
	If not, then just continue to hunker down.
	Straight from the freshly shaven Geppetto's mouth.
	And by the way, he's not the only doctor in the world.
	For some reason, this is the left that just want to cling to Dr. Fauci.
	Dr. Birx, Dr. Birx.
	Wow.
	Cutie and Dr. Birx.
	Fetching lady who is, I don't want to say old, but older than me.
	Right.
	Beautiful woman come in all shapes and sizes.
	And ages.
	Primarily a Dr. Birx shape.
	Legal ages.
	She's been very clear.
	Dr. Birx, I can be your Joe Biden.
	You can be my Scratch and Sniff.
	That's all I'm saying.
	Wow.
	That's racy.
	Be my Shirley Temple.
	Show Dr. Birx.
	We have told people very clearly and the president guidelines made it very clear about the expectations of phase one.
	And remember phase one also included social distancing in restaurants, social distancing In every place that was entertainment and keeping your own individual social groups to less than 10.
	I mean we've been very clear in the guidelines and I think it's up to the governors and mayors to ensure that they're following the best they can each of those phases to make sure that both the public is completely protected.
	Really?
	She's talking, again, about a scale.
	Let me give you an analogy.
	Let's say that you have the flu.
	And this is important to note because you can't only listen to doctor's advice.
	You have to listen to economists.
	You have to listen to people in the country, people who are truckers, people who run small businesses, people who work in maybe what you determine to be non-essential services.
	There has to be a collective discussion.
	So let's say that you have the flu, just a really bad flu some year.
	But you're also about to go through a big business merger, a busy season for you with clients typically in the fall, right?
	Right.
	And you have a huge meeting on Monday that can determine the rest of the year for your business.
	You absolutely, positively cannot miss.
	Do you ask your doctor whether you can attend that meeting on Monday?
	You know he's going to say no.
	Right.
	You absolutely know.
	The voice of one doctor is not the only voice.
	It can't be the only voice.
	And that's the danger with the logical fallacy of appealing to authority.
	It's, well, Dr. Fauci, well, I can find another doctor.
	Well, and they're trying to say something, too.
	I don't know if you saw it in the bottom section there.
	I always mispronounce it, so I'm not going to pronounce it this time.
	If it was on screen while Dr. Brooks was talking, I would not see anything.
	When we came back, you were like the cartoon character with, like, heart eyes.
	I only have eyes and sinuses for her.
	Right.
	Well, they said it's requirements.
	They're not requirements.
	They're guidelines.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	So you can't push people into this category of, like, not doing what is required.
	These are guidelines for your community.
	You say tomato, I say fascism.
	So, here's another clip from Trevor Noah where this is another implication that they're making on the left.
	You can see this on any mainstream website or Reddit politics.
	Oh my gosh, I would just love to see a coup against, not hurting anybody at Reddit politics, but conservatives to migrate there and just make the voices heard because it is amazing.
	Yeah, that's a horrible place.
	It makes me want to, again, tow the shotgun trigger just because I know it's more effective than a 9mm.
	And we're all about efficiency here.
	A little worried, Bill.
	The implications of protesters are all conspiracy theorists, morons, and, of course, a Darwin award they deserve to be wiped out by COVID.
	Now, it would be a lot easier to not take these protests seriously if they were just being fueled by Fox News and internet conspiracy theories.
	The problem is that all of these morons also have the support of the moron-in-chief.
	Well, luckily for us, Sir David Attenborough has agreed to study these strange life forms to help the rest of us understand.
	And here we see natural selection in its purest form.
	A group of morons crowded together, spitting in each other's faces as they demand the right to get a haircut.
	Even for the coronavirus, this is too easy.
	Alright, here's the thing.
	I like that one.
	There's an insurance concern, so when I'm not looking, can someone stick a razor blade in my lunch?
	Yeah.
	Sure.
	Will that do the trick?
	Thank you.
	Or will that just irritate you?
	Well, I don't know.
	No.
	Hopefully.
	Do whatever it takes.
	I'm looking the other direction.
	Alright, alright.
	We'll have to up it up.
	Here's the thing.
	We have Senator Ted Cruz coming up after this.
	First off, this shows you what he thinks of everyday Americans, right?
	The morons, moron in chief, and it also shows you what he thinks of his Attenborough impression.
	For God's sake, man!
	That was bad.
	There are so many reasons that I can't stand Trevor Noah, and of course it combines the elitism, the smugness, and he, by the way, he's probably the least familiar with flyover country because he just flew to New York, to Los Angeles.
	Why would he ever be in Grand Rapids, Michigan?
	Why would he ever be in El Paso, Texas?
	He has no exposure to that, so this is not a guy who should be speaking to the average everyday American.
	Good thing is, look at his ratings.
	He's not.
	There are unfunny moments for some people.
	For example, Stephen Colbert I don't think is always funny, but he comes by it honestly.
	The Colbert Report was very funny when he used to do it.
	If you look at Jimmy Kimmel, I don't think he's always very funny, but he comes by it honestly.
	The Man Show was funny when he was there with Adam Carolla.
	If you look at David Letterman, you look at Conan O'Brien.
	All of these people at some point, even though I don't really like Jimmy Fallon, I understand that college kids really liked his impressions musically.
	He's gifted.
	I understand it.
	But not All people.
	Trevor Noah, it's like he was hit by an unfunny howitzer.
	It is remarkable to me.
	Only Trevor Noah and Samantha Bee.
	They're smug, they hate you, but more importantly, when they talk about Americans wanting to go back to work, and they call them morons, while you subsequently take a check for a job that you do not do.
	As a comedian, you don't do your job.
	Trevor Noah is everything wrong with late night, he's everything wrong with politics, and he's everything wrong with this sort of pre-packaged... You know when they used to call bands like sellouts?
	Unfortunately, like Green Day, they committed this unbelievable, unforgivable sin of having an album that was successful.
	And I don't like them, I think they're douchebags, but the point is that that's really ridiculous, you're a sellout.
	That being said, Trevor Noah, he is the pre-packaged corporate comedy that they're trying to thrust upon the American public that people don't want because they don't think that he's going to tip over any carts.
	Think about this for a second.
	You look at the Daily... This is why it bothers me.
	He is the least qualified person for that job.
	He is a diversity hire, if you look at the Daily Show.
	It is just a who's who of some of the best comedic actors and comedians of our time.
	We have Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell, Rob Riggle, Rob Corddry.
	Who else do we have?
	Ed Helms.
	Ed Helms, that's right.
	It's a who's who's list.
	And then you have Samantha Bee and Trevor Noah, and they are the only ones to get their own shows.
	And you, again, when taking scale into account, don't watch them.
	It's everything wrong with the entertainment industry, and more importantly, he's wrong.
	Your Honor, the South African defense is wrong.
	We'll be back with Trevor Noah.
	Not Trevor Noah.
	No!
	No!
	Make sure he's still on the line.
	Not a dark horse being prayed, not a good being prayed.
	It's morning and Wade decided to come in and dress up.
	We're gonna show you today one of my favorite methods, the AeroPress.
	The reason this is so great is you kinda get a middle ground between drip coffee and espresso, not really because it's filtered, but you can make a coffee concentrate.
	So first step, I'm just gonna put the paper filter in here, put it on the mug, and the reason I'm doing this, you don't have to, is just to preheat the vessel and the mug.
	I'm gonna grind about 25 grams of coffee.
	On the dot, this grinder has a built-in scale, so I don't need to weigh it.
	So, this is really simple with the AeroPress.
	So, what am I going to do?
	There are different recipes.
	What I like to do is fill it up to about the number 2 or number 3 mark.
	Do what you like.
	It's pretty tough to make a crappy cup of coffee, especially if you're using the right temperature and beans that are freshly roasted, which, of course, you get at BlackRifle.com slash Crowder.
	20% off with a promo code Crowder.
	When you're using an AeroPress, is that a different grind size, maybe from other...?
	You can do really fine sizes if you want to do a short brew time, or you can do really coarse and let it sit.
	Here's kind of a tip with this, if you want a stronger brew, you want it to brew longer, you put that in, and just like a straw, you pull up a little bit, that creates a suction.
	So right now, that'll brew for as long as I want it to brew.
	You don't need to brew it for that long, though, because, again, I'm going to press down gently to create pressure, which extracts, of course, along with heat, all of the compounds of the coffee.
	So, a gentle press.
	You kind of just use your body weight.
	Now, you hear that?
	Once you start hearing the hissing, you stop.
	Some people use a trash can.
	I have an assistant.
	Now see, this is kind of a concentrate there.
	What most people do if you want a big cup of coffee, you just do what they call bypass, which is I add water to it to make the size of a cup of coffee that I want.
	Really easy, probably my favorite method for making coffee at home.
	So that floats your boat.
	Got anything that's like 8 o'clock?
	Something like that?
	...
	Enter in promo code Crowder, you get 20% off.
	And it's important, by the way, to note that they've donated, I think, over 20,000 bags of coffee with their Buy a Bag, Give a Bag campaign.
	A veteran-owned.
	It is a lot of coffee.
	And they also just launched a new brand of canned coffee that you can kind of add to your, you can get it online.
	200 milligrams of caffeine per can.
	It's coming from natural coffee.
	It has protein in it.
	I haven't had any.
	They haven't sent me any, but I hope you enjoy it.
	BlackRifleCoffee.com slash Crowder.
	They have the balls to sponsor the show.
	And if you drink coffee, just drink better coffee from a company who gives a rat's ass.
	Hey guys, Whistleblower again.
	Over the past few weeks, late night hosts have all had to quarantine and do their shows from home.
	This is a very noble thing to do in a time of public health crisis such as... Hold on.
	Let's zoom in on that.
	More.
	Just as I thought.
	It's the same wall.
	They thought we wouldn't notice, but this smoking gun tipped me off.
	It will disappear.
	We remember that!
	We're not goldfish!
	Well, Trump has the memory of a goldfish who smokes weed.
	Do they really expect us to believe that with multi-million dollar budgets and hundreds of writers that they're just this unoriginal?
	No.
	They haven't been quarantined at all.
	They've been forming a secret cabal aimed to destroy late-night comedy with terrible writing and apathetic production value, and they hold all their meetings in a rented bedroom of the Mark Twain house.
	Thanks for watching, guys.
	I'm just gonna plug my GoFundMe here again.
	I just signed the lease on a new apartment after getting that MCN deal, but it turned out to be a bit of a scam.
	I lost my whole life savings.
	That's a blower house.
	That was me doing the, like I said, the orchestra pit.
	I went to a symphony this Christmas.
	I think he's making it up.
	Oh, yeah.
	I don't believe him for a second.
	Someone's like, oh, that's a G. I meant F. Don't believe it.
	It's an art.
	You just don't understand it.
	Yeah, you know, kind of like most postmodern art, only I guess it's not postmodern.
	All right, speaking of classics, our next guest, but I am tired.
	You can follow him on the Twitter at Ted Cruz.
	Of course, he's a senator.
	I know he hosts a podcast now.
	Is it called The Verdict or something with Ted Cruz?
	Senator Cruz, you ventured into the podcast space.
	Well, Steven, I'm doing what I can to compete in your arena, and I gotta say though, when you open your show with those dance moves, nobody told me dancing would be involved in this.
	You may have some natural advantages over me in that arena.
	I do.
	Namely, a lack of self-respect.
	But this isn't a podcast.
	This is a late-night show.
	And I will say, every Tom, Dick, and Harry has a podcast.
	So how are you going to differentiate yourself, aside from obviously being a sitting senator and the wonderful beard?
	Yes, it's very great.
	When we launched it, we launched Verdict during impeachment, and we did it every night.
	Right after the trial, we'd go and film it live, and it, you know, it never existed.
	I remember my team, and the first day we went on, we said, all right, what would be success?
	And we were saying, well, if we can get into the top 100, that would be great.
	We ended up skyrocketing to being the number one ranked podcast in the world.
	And we have had enormous enthusiasm, people signing up both for the podcast download,
	but also on YouTube.
	You know, I know YouTube, you and YouTube have gone round and round, and I've engaged
	in those battles.
	But they haven't as of yet banned my podcast from YouTube, so I may not be doing it right,
	I may ask for some of your advice on that.
	Right.
	No, they just fact-check you by redirecting folks to Nancy Pelosi.
	So that's what... And I don't know if in your podcast, if you act like an idiot.
	Like, I just spilled water on my shirt and on my computer.
	Yeah, we're gonna have to replace all that over there.
	And Senator Cruz, you guys couldn't see me.
	Senator Cruz was playing it off like a gentleman.
	He didn't point out, like, are you an idiot?
	Are you a simpleton?
	Did you just spill water on your shirt, you moron?
	I'm a sitting senator!
	Um, so, there's, well, I'm glad to hear that you are doing well.
	We need more people out there.
	As far as YouTube, you know, it's not so much a give and take.
	It's really more like, um, like Ali Chuck Wepner.
	I just, I take pride in making it to the 14th round, and then, of course, they'll ban me.
	Um, speaking of, before we move on, you were just talking about, those are AirPods that you're wearing right now, but they're not the AirPod Pros.
	You said you don't like those for some weird reason?
	Yeah, so it's the bottom-of-the-line version of the AirPod, so it's the cheapest one.
	And out of the AirPod Pros, to be honest, I haven't tried them, but I didn't like how they look like they stick deep in your ear, and I sort of like how these ones fit.
	I'm comfortable with these, and so I didn't really want to jam the things deep in my ear, and these work fine.
	You make that sound far less pleasant than it is.
	It's not that big of an ordeal.
	But that being said, those don't fit in my ear.
	The original ones, they would just fall out.
	I have huge ears.
	And then the new AirPod Pros, they come with three different sizes, and they do like an air suction test, where it tells you you have the right size.
	I tried the biggest size, and it just said, what's wrong with you?
	Maybe you should go to 23andMe and see what's wrong with your genetic lineage, because my ear canals are so big, nothing fits.
	All right, so listen, Senator Cruz, I'm glad that you're wearing the standard ones.
	We don't want to hear about any hearing damage.
	What is going on right now with China?
	I'm not a big fan of what's been going on with this whole pandemic and the World Health Organization, and I know you've been outspoken with this.
	Seems like more people now are coming around for the longest time.
	We were kind of the lone voice in the wilderness.
	What do people need to know, and how should the American government take... what stance should they be taking right now?
	Well, listen, China is a bad player.
	The communist government of China has been responsible for millions of deaths, murders, tortures.
	They have over a million of their own citizens, Uyghurs, in concentration camps right now.
	They engage in censorship, surveillance, oppression.
	They engage in global espionage.
	For a long time, I had been Advocating that the position that China is the single greatest geopolitical threat to the United States over the next century.
	They are investing massively, billions in their military, and they rely on intellectual property theft as a strategy from the government.
	In the history of mankind, that has never happened.
	We've had thieves, we've had pirates, but never a nation-state with trillions of dollars of resources Investing in stealing, stealing military hardware, stealing commercial hardware, stealing medical innovations.
	Yep.
	And you know, we just saw the consequences.
	of their censorship regime.
	We've always thought of their censorship as a human rights issue, but the cover-up that they engaged in with this coronavirus outbreak illustrates that their censorship is not just a human rights issue, it is a national security issue and a global health issue, because in a very real sense, China bears responsibility for the over 170,000 people who have died due to COVID-19 and the trillions of dollars of economic value that's been destroyed.
	I think it's a very good way to put it.
	It's very important that people realize, as a basis of how they do commerce, intellectual property theft.
	And, you know, as a libertarian, you can get into sort of this idea of intellectual property sometimes violates real property rights, where if I say, hold on, a ham sandwich, and I coin it, and it's like, well, I have ham and bread.
	I can't put it into a ham sandwich.
	That being said, with China, you know, my wife used to run, she was a VP of a contract furniture company.
	at a big expo called NeuCon in Chicago every year.
	She was assigned for two years as she was working her way up just to make sure that
	specifically people from Chinese companies and vendors didn't come in and take pictures
	of their chairs to rip them off because they would do all of this work.
	They would have them tested up.
	This is tested up to like 700 pounds.
	And initially I told that story, and people said, that's racist.
	She said, no, no, it's not.
	They don't think it's wrong.
	She said, you have to explain to them, no, no, no, you can't do this.
	And sometimes people were very surprised.
	Apply that to a global health pandemic or apply that to, and even more unfortunate,
	God, you know, YouTube and Google with Dragonfly, they're creating a search engine to kowtow
	to these people.
	It sends shivers down my spine.
	Look, big tech.
	And much of big business in America and much of the mainstream media in America, they're terrified of China.
	Because China represents big bucks.
	It represents dollars.
	They want access to the Chinese market.
	You know, just yesterday, YouTube announced that they were going to pull down anything on their site that was contrary to the recommendations of the World Health Organization.
	The World Health Organization is a Chinese puppet that has echoed The communist propaganda from China in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic in January, late January, the World Health Organization tweeted out that there's no evidence of human-to-human transmission of the coronavirus and China's doing a great job dealing with it right at the time China was covering it up and hiding it and helping contribute to this global pandemic.
	The willingness to sell out for the almighty dollar I think is really, really dangerous.
	When it comes to China, they use their economic might.
	Hollywood is terrified of them, so Hollywood censors them out of movies.
	Right?
	Yeah, they changed Red Dawn from... what did they change it from?
	China to Korea, which wasn't really believable.
	Like, come on!
	Speaking of Chinese... Puppet-looking!
	I know North Korean, not Chinese, but you know, come on, the guy looks like a puppet.
	Let's be honest, when people saw Team America, if you flip through the channels really quickly, you're tired in your hotel room and it's on HBO, you think it's a biopic!
	Team America is one of the greatest movies ever made.
	It absolutely is.
	They managed to piss everybody off on the right and left, and I was going, none of you guys get this.
	It makes fun of everybody.
	And look, it makes fun of conservatives.
	I can deal with that.
	If you're laughing, it makes fun of everybody.
	I will say, though, every third word is a profanity.
	And Heidi and I made the mistake of bringing a Team America DVD on vacation with her parents, and I sort of was forgetting, thinking it was a little more family-friendly.
	I would just say the look from your mother-in-law when you're playing 52nd F-Bomb You're being very, by the way, generous in saying F-bombs.
	No, no, no.
	it off. Yeah, never mind. How do you forget that? That makes me question, are you going
	the way of Biden? I mean, that's not even a short-term memory thing. And you're being
	very, by the way, generous in saying F-bombs. No, no, no.
	It's that it's used as a descriptor.
	Well, it's, um, hey, hey, freedom isn't free. It's a buck oh five.
	Yes, it is.
	Yes, sir.
	Yes, sir.
	And I think you just gained more fans with that than all of your number one podcasts combined.
	People now say, oh, Ted Cruz, Senator Ted Cruz gets it.
	Let me ask you this with China.
	I talked about this, so we've been covering this for a very long time.
	And I will say this, I never walked it back.
	I thought early on, I said, listen, this could get bad.
	I don't think it's as bad as people are making it out to be.
	I see a lot of people walking some of their doomsday predictions back.
	But we always focused on China.
	When we ran the video of the WHO representative who flat out denied or flat out refused to answer the question regarding Taiwan and then hung up the Skype call, it maybe had a few hundred plays at that point.
	Nobody else was covering it.
	Of course, YouTube redirected it to something else.
	Learn more about COVID-19.
	It is remarkable to me where these, when you have leftists who talk about Darfur and they talk about these human rights abuses across the world, but right now when there's something that we could do about it, we're in a position where there's an international dynamic where we could do something and we're in a position of power where the global community could support us.
	Not a peep.
	I don't, well, I do get it, but I don't, maybe you can shed some light on it for me so I don't get it wrong.
	So look, the corruption that we see with the media is profound.
	Let's take, okay, so last fall, last October, I did an Asia trip, and I traveled to Pearl Harbor, Japan, Taiwan, India, Hong Kong.
	And it was designed to really be a friends and allies tour, so it was all around China.
	I had a lot of shows.
	Yes, yes, you had.
	My brother went to India, he was like, I gotta space these out, I gotta do this, and he still came back and was sick for two weeks.
	So I did get to film in India outside the Ministry of Defense on my phone.
	I filmed, there was just this whole herd or flock of monkeys.
	I don't know, what do you call a group of monkeys?
	Pride as lions?
	I don't know.
	I'm going to let you die out on this vine here along with your school of monkeys.
	I think it's a barrel, Senator Cruz.
	I don't know, but it was a crap ton of monkeys.
	They were all running around and playing and it was like baby monkeys and I filmed it all and sent it to my girls and the only part of the trip they thought was cool was like the monkeys that were playing right next to the Ministry of Defense.
	But the whole course of that trip Okay, okay, that would be my... Okay, you're home like national TV, Caroline.
	Okay, she just ran away.
	My 12-year-old said she thought the monkeys were stupid, so sorry about that.
	Well, you know what?
	Your daughter sounds very judgmental, and I don't know that I appreciate that on this program.
	We don't tolerate that kind of interspecies discrimination.
	But let me redirect since I know we both got distracted here.
	Would it be at all feasible to say, you know what?
	You cost these hundreds of thousands of lives, China.
	You lied about it.
	There's some debt here.
	We're going to renegotiate.
	Or you know what?
	You're not going to see a penny until you sort this out.
	Is that something that's within our power to do?
	Because I know that a lot of the intellectual elites have said that's outside the realm of possibility.
	To just use it as a bargaining chip.
	Look, I think that will be a major topic of discussion.
	I think the first thing we need to have is just accountability.
	We need to know what happened.
	We need to document So, for example, the origins of the pandemic.
	We now know that there were not one but two Chinese labs, controlled by the Chinese government, in Wuhan, within miles of where the outbreak occurred, that not only were researching coronaviruses, they were researching coronaviruses derived from bats, and they had live population of bats they were researching.
	We know that there were serious questions There needs to be serious inquiry.
	Did this virus escape accidentally from one of those Chinese labs?
	China refuses to answer that.
	They don't want to answer that.
	They will not answer the simple question, were you studying the novel coronavirus?
	This particular coronavirus at that lab and did it accidentally escape?
	And the media point we were making before, so I've been raising these questions for about six weeks now, early March is when I started raising these questions.
	The media reacted like they lit their hair on fire and they said, you're a crazy tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist, which is actually what they call us any other day too, so it's not really different.
	But the Washington Post had this big reputation That they ran, I think, early March, if I remember right, where they said, people pointing to these labs are crazy conspiracy theorists.
	Why?
	Because the genetic makeup of the virus does not suggest it was created in a lab, but occurred naturally.
	Now, one of the real tells when someone is trying to deceive you is they work for the Washington Post.
	Well, there is that.
	But they answer a different question than you asked.
	No one is arguing that this was created in a lab.
	What the circumstantial evidence suggests is that this was being studied in a lab.
	It may well have been naturally occurring, but that it was being studied in a lab, and they did such a half-assed job that it escaped.
	And that view now, there's more and more evidence to support it.
	There needs to be real accountability.
	We know China covered it up.
	We know they punished, they silenced the whistleblowers that tried to draw attention to it.
	Once we have accountability in terms of understanding what they did, then I think there will be a real global reassessment of what the consequences will be for the deaths and the trillions of dollars of economic value that China bears direct responsibility for.
	Right.
	Hey, really quickly, WebExtended.
	And there we go.
	Usually this would be behind the paywall, but because we're doing a free Mug Club month, Mug Club quarantine, let me ask you this while we're talking about reassessing.
	Why was there any American funding going to a lab in Wuhan?
	I don't understand that.
	I know that you don't agree with it, but it is remarkable to me where we sort of talk about the legitimate purview of government, and you're sort of more of a libertarian conservative like I am.
	That's where I fall on the political compass test, which is useless.
	But, you know, I cite it when it's convenient for me.
	It's so far outside of the purview of the legitimate role of government.
	How many steps of screw-ups does it take for us to find that we are funding a lab that could be creating communicable deadly diseases for years to come?
	Well, sadly, it is hopeless naivete driven by ideology.
	Listen, there is a perfectly legitimate role for government to research pandemics and how to stop them.
	What the CDC does, we need to be prepared to keep us safe.
	The stupid part is that we were sending taxpayer funding to the Wuhan lab, to the lab in China that had shoddy security measures, and whose government, the Chinese communists, are not our friends.
	They are our enemies.
	And this is, look, it's the same naivete that led the Obama administration to send $100 billion to the Ayatollah Khomeini, who chants death to America.
	Don't give millions of dollars or billions of dollars to people who want to kill you.
	That principle is true.
	The same principle is true.
	Don't give money to a Chinese lab.
	They're not our friends and we shouldn't be giving a penny to China.
	And it was foolish ideological naivete that caused the Obama administration to send that money over.
	And let's be clear, this wasn't partnering with privatized Chinese labs.
	This wasn't the Wuhan equivalent of Quest or LabCorp.
	That doesn't exist there.
	And because of, I know that you feel this way, because of my empathy for the Chinese people, I have nothing but disdain for the communist Chinese government.
	And what I would hate to see is them build up a military and forcibly enlist people for this to, God forbid it ever leads to some kind of a global conflict or catastrophe.
	Because guess what?
	There's a huge portion of the Chinese people right now who are just as pissed off as we are, only they don't have a voice.
	And guess what?
	They have no hope of a voice.
	You're right, but let me give you some real encouragement.
	to silence American senators and hosts. Do you have any idea? I mean, I know you have
	an idea, but for people, do you have any idea how demoralizing that has to be for a Chinese
	citizen right now to go, hey, I want to speak up, I want to earn freedom. Oh, wait a second.
	They're fact-checking Senator Ted Cruz for saying this, and they're redirecting from
	Steven Crowder's show. I better be quiet now.
	But you're right, but let me give you some real encouragement, which is freedom is powerful.
	You know, some years ago I sat down with Natan Sharansky, the famed Soviet dissident.
	He and I sat down in Jerusalem, and he described how, when he was at a Soviet gulag, they would pass from cell to cell notes saying, did you hear what Reagan said, referring to the Soviet Union as an evil empire, saying Marxism-Leninism will end up on the ash heap of history, saying Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
	Those words There is power and tyrannies.
	Communist tyrannies are terrified of truth.
	Let me point to an example.
	I think it is very valuable to highlight dissidents.
	It's one of the things I try to do often.
	And you're right, there are heroic dissidents in China standing up for freedom against their oppressive government.
	One of them was Liu Jiabao.
	Liu Jiabao Nobel Peace Laureate, spoke up for democracy, was imprisoned, and won the Nobel Peace Prize for speaking up against the Chinese Communist government.
	I actually took a page out of Reagan's book.
	I introduced legislation.
	To rename the street in front of the Chinese embassy in D.C., Le Javel Plaza.
	Oh, that sounds nice.
	And Reagan did that during the Cold War.
	He renamed the street in front of the Soviet embassy, Sakharov Plaza, after Sakharov, the Soviet dissident.
	I tried to get it passed in the Senate and a Democrat, Dianne Feinstein, objected.
	She and I argued back and forth on the Senate floor repeatedly.
	Dianne Feinstein said, but this will irritate the Chinese government, to which I responded, yes, Dianne, that is the purpose.
	Do you have to finish the story?
	I just threw up in my mouth a little, Senator Cruz.
	You said you were going to give me hope.
	Speak words of comfort to me, Mr. Cruz.
	So you will like the end of the story, which is that Which is that this is during the Obama administration.
	I placed a hold on every nominee to the State Department.
	The Obama administration freaked out, said, how can we get you to lift the hold?
	I said, it's very simple.
	Pass my legislation.
	Get Feinstein to withdraw her objection.
	They did.
	My legislation passed the Senate unanimously.
	A hundred and nothing.
	And then I lifted the hold.
	Fast forward a couple of years later.
	Liu Xiaobo passes away.
	His widow, Liu Xia, is still in China.
	Trump is the new president.
	Rex Tillerson's the Secretary of State.
	I'm having breakfast with Rex Tillerson.
	Tillerson told me in talking to China, they raised among their top three priorities was don't let this legislation pass.
	It already passed the Senate.
	Stop Cruz's legislation because it terrified them.
	Right.
	And I told Rex at the time, I said, listen, use me as the bad guy.
	Tell China we're going to pass this unless they release Liu Xia.
	They did.
	They released her and let her out.
	That's how scared they are of truth.
	So keep speaking the truth.
	What you say, what I say, what the dissidents say, it terrifies Xi and the Chinese dictator.
	I don't know if what I say so much terrifies them as much as they just want to beat my ass, but they laugh while punching me.
	So it's a useful skill.
	Speaking of which, when am I going to be making an appearance on your podcast there, Senator Cruz?
	Oh.
	We'll make it happen.
	I refuse the invitation.
	I will never do it.
	I just wanted to put one over on a sender.
	Very strong.
	Very, very strong.
	I wanted to ask you about the immigration ban, but you know what?
	I just want to sit... Steven, I just want to be clear.
	As a result of that action, just remember, I know where your underground bunker is and the black helicopters circling and the stormtroopers pulling out and locking the doors.
	I have nothing to do with it.
	Yeah, well, I can imagine.
	You know, it's tough to know, because every now and then it sounds like a tugboat is going past this studio.
	We picked an area that was away from airports, and then they started running a train that, like, what is this?
	You just started running this, is it the Polar Express?
	You stopped it for 30 years, and now we found out there's a We're on track, so I wouldn't be able to hear him coming, so that's another one for you, Senator Cruz.
	And I wanted to talk about the immigration ban, but you know what?
	I'm really glad to hear you speak out about China.
	I've been following you, you've been an inspiration, and I hope that, I know they don't, and unfortunately we thought this would be the silver lining with new media, because we know that Chinese media will never allow those dissidents, or never allow their citizens to see these kinds of conversations on television, and unfortunately now we're running into the same roadblocks with big tech.
	So I appreciate your fight there as well.
	Senator Ted Cruz, thank you, brother.
	I know you're busy.
	Keep up the good fight.
	We'll talk with you soon.
	Excellent.
	Take care.
	God bless.
	We're going to wrap this up.
	Tonight on NBC.
	Hello, everyone, and welcome to Late Night from my hallway.
	Seth catches up with the news.
	Smoke this.
	It'll make the pain stop.
	Or it won't.
	There's no science behind anything.
	And a special guest.
	Hello!
	There you go.
	Hello, everybody.
	Hello, Sam.
	Hello, magic.
	What are you doing, Rich?
	What are you talking about?
	I need this to be at a fucking distance.
	I stepped into that door knowing, like, there's a little bit of racism here.
	Yeah, he did.
	Even for me, that was too much.
	Do you exclusively shop in dumpsters?
	Do you exclusively shop in dumpsters?
	You do, don't you?
	You look like a homeless man's ass rag.
	A look only a raccoon would love.
	Is this what a stroke is?
	Pure, unadulterated disappointment, personified in clothing.
	But lucky for you, I have a solution.
	Now that's what I'm talking about.
	You'll be beating the women away with a stick looking that good.
	Beguile your potential mates with your sheer masculinity.
	Become the envy of all your friends while showing off those legs.
	Heck, you're downright rugged.
	Unfortunately for you, it doesn't correct crippling anxiety.
	Cover your bits and tackle with silky smooth Ranger Panties at
	CrowderWithCrowderShop.com That was a drowning dance where I realized I was wearing a
	white shirt.
	And I didn't, I didn't.
	You can't swim in a white shirt.
	I don't want to end up like Vienna.
	Immodest.
	I'm a bachelor.
	I am so sad that I know that reference.
	I only remember her because she won and she was like, Miss Wet T-Shirt Miami.
	That's an actual prize?
	And how horrible must the fourth place finisher feel for that?
	Like, you were a wet t-shirt Miami, and you were good, but you didn't even medal.
	Thank you to Senator Ted Cruz.
	And tomorrow we have Representative Dan Crenshaw on the show.
	Good morning, Mug Club.
	And we appreciate you guys tuning in.
	There's been a lot of people and we've gotten a lot of feedback.
	And of course, promo code quarantine, $30 off.
	This is still Mug Club Quarantine and it ends on Thursday, which is, I'm not going to lie, it's been a lot of work for quite a few folks here.
	I've been You know, I've talked with you guys before the show.
	It's, um, you know, when I get tired, I'm like, oh, I'm tired.
	So I'm not going to do something, but I'm always concerned about doing it well.
	Right.
	You know, so sometimes I'll get to the point where I tape in the morning and then we have to work and tape sketches and write all day.
	And I'm like, oh my gosh, we can do this show at night, but I just don't want to, you know, I don't want to sound like Joe Biden.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	So not a good look.
	No, it's different.
	Like if you're tired and you're in an office job, you can edit, you can hide, but hi, where am I going to go?
	I would go into the desk.
	You'd be like, oh, he's on the spectrum.
	Um, which I am sensory deprivation.
	So I have been pretty tired.
	The show is a lot of work, and I want to, you know, I, uh... There is a lot that bothers me about this, this pandemic right now.
	What really bothers me is people saying, this is a crisis that we've never known, that we've never seen in our lifetime.
	Well, let me tell you something.
	There are people out there who were going through crap before this, and who have been going through crap during this, that is far more severe.
	And talk about tone-deaf.
	You know, I didn't want to talk about this, and my wife and I weren't going to until she felt comfortable with this, but I have been tired.
	There's been something kind of going on.
	Some people have noticed that maybe I feel a little tired.
	I get a little bit testy.
	Yeah, to explain it, my wife and I have been trying to become parents for a long time, and I was very happy that I thought I was going to be a father until I wasn't.
	Listen, people have it worse than that, right?
	This is not all that uncommon.
	But, yeah, it is semi-devastating, I would say.
	And the reason for this, too, and this is something that I think a lot of feminists miss, because all men, if you've ever had a pregnant wife, if you've ever been through something like a miscarriage, You just want to serve as best you can, and you don't necessarily know how.
	You just know this is something that obviously they are feeling more intensely, and you feel things really intensely, but you can't show it.
	And that's kind of what I was talking about.
	I mentioned it as a joke that was a bit veiled last week, where I talked with sort of a marriage counselor after this, which I encourage people to do, where I said, you know, men sort of We don't really want to sit there and cry in front of our wives because we don't want them to feel that they lack the stability or someone to lean on, and so you're like a dog.
	You go off into the woods to die.
	She thought that was kind of funny, and I still think it's, yeah, you know, I'm the dog who goes off into the woods to die.
	I'm a dog.
	But let me tell you this, what the roller coaster was and why coronavirus was, I gotta tell you, it's still at the bottom of my list of priorities right now.
	Upon hearing, you know, weeks ago that, oh, okay, I was going to finally be a dad, I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I was like, oh, wow, and immediately, like, crippling fear set in.
	I was like, oh, my God, okay, what do I need to do?
	We have to redo the house.
	We have to, well, we have to turn this, we have to turn the office into a baby room, and okay, we gotta make sure, well, now we gotta get a fence for the pool, and we gotta make sure that, okay, that you get a book for Betty, and I think that when this, you know, often women are just thinking about how they feel, and we're sort of thinking about what we need to do.
	This was my experience, anyway.
	And then when the news was delivered about not, about it not, about a miscarriage.
	Let's just call what it is.
	About a miscarriage.
	It really wasn't fear.
	It was sadness.
	And I think we confuse fear with negative emotions sometimes.
	It's not that sad is always a negative emotion, but sometimes fear sits in because of something that matters.
	Sometimes you're fearful because you don't want to lose something that brings you so much joy, something that is so important to you.
	And that's why I think that fear is pretty damn close to not only intelligence, but emotional intelligence, EQ.
	And one thing the reason that I talk about this and I often talk about these things I've talked about my struggles in the past with with sort of mental health issues and struggling with with depression is because I know that there are a lot of people out there listening and it doesn't solve anything I'm not one of those celebrities who First off, I'm not a celebrity, but I'm not one of those people who, when a celebrity dies, everyone comes out and goes, oh, I've struggled with this as well, like Heath Ledger died, and everyone came out and said, oh, I struggle with depression, but where were you when that wasn't in the tabloids?
	Where were you when that wasn't in the headlines and people were looking for someone to relate to?
	And so I've tried to be transparent with those things so that you out there don't have to suffer alone.
	And that's what I'm doing.
	Right now.
	I'm sure that a lot of people out there, it's not all that uncommon, have gone through this and I don't want you to feel like you're suffering through it alone, but let me be honest, I'm also doing this a little bit selfishly.
	I'd like to see, you know what, I would like to see people who've been through this same scenario comment below.
	Let me know what it was, so I'm not complaining about that.
	But I'm not going to lie, it makes it pretty tough when I have to have my wife stay away from the computer.
	And everyone is usually right when they talk about the nightmare that is the comment section.
	But I'm just going to be a little vulnerable here and do this in trust.
	Trust that humanity has a little bit more to offer by pointing them to the comment section below.
	I want to see what you have to say about this.
	I want to see what people out there have been through, and I want to see you supporting each other, because we have all these tools, and I think it slipped through our fingers.
	We thought social media, this online, we're going to be more connected than ever, and instead it just became about crapping on each other.
	And believe me, the irony is not lost on me that I just took a big steaming dump on Trevor Noah.
	That being said, he has a national platform.
	We're not exactly punching down.
	And I certainly wouldn't consider bullying him in the comments section.
	Namely, I don't know that he knows how to read.
	Not a racial thing, it's a dumb thing.
	So this is what really bothers me with the coronavirus virtue signaling.
	Because when I tell you this, and while everyone else has scaled back, we've really tried to scale up two shows a day, right?
	Because we want to serve you.
	We're not nurses.
	We're not doctors.
	We thought people are quarantined.
	People are isolated.
	They're yearning for connection, for content.
	I know I've been.
	It's been a grueling couple of weeks, two shows a day.
	It's hard, really hard.
	And this isn't just a podcast where we talk into a microphone and call it a show, okay?
	I hope that seeing the late night hosts broadcasting from home has highlighted just how much work this entire team puts into the show.
	Yeah, you see me hosting it and you see people in this room, and yeah, okay, you see the fruits of our writing.
	Maybe you see some jokes, maybe you see a Photoshop, but you don't necessarily understand how much work always goes from people who you never get to see, or occasionally see on a security camera, if it's Brendan.
	When Colbert is broadcasting from his home with just a few crappy punchlines and maybe a photo still, and he still has five to ten times the staff of anyone working here right now, and that same week, you can look at those same weeks, look at Stephen Colbert, look at Kimmel, look at Trevor Noah, look at Samantha Bee, we've done massive parodies, sketches, original content, twice the volume of shows, this, not myself, and I wouldn't be able to do it without them.
	You know how you know?
	Do you know how you know that?
	Go back and watch this show, watch my YouTube channel before this team.
	Now, creatively, sure.
	Impressions, sure.
	Jokes, sure.
	Was I able to go out and do hidden camera stuff?
	Yeah, but it was maybe once a week, once a month.
	The volume of content and the quality of content that you see, this isn't me bragging on myself, wouldn't be able to do it without this remarkable outfit.
	And you know what?
	You'll never hear us say that we're the number one show with a bullet in this space.
	That when you add up all the avenues where people consume this, that everyone else is competing for a distant second, because we like to focus on the work.
	But that's the truth.
	That is absolutely the truth.
	And I don't say it for myself, I say it for what they've done.
	They are the ones who helped make this number one, because I've been around for a while and I wasn't even number 51.
	So when I see reporters and activists on social media just wailing like Kim Jong-il died and they deserve a f***ing Razzie because of this pandemic, when they haven't lost their business, they haven't lost their jobs, many of them don't have employees at all to support, let alone families to support, they didn't even get the sniffles and they say, this is the worst episode in our history, however, when we regain hope.
	Really?
	Really?
	What have you lost?
	Specifically because of COVID-19, what have you lost?
	And I'll tell you this, you can look at the timeline of COVID-19.
	What I've lost, what I'll never get back, has nothing to do with a virus that is increasingly seeming like having the mortality rate of the flu.
	Has nothing to do with that.
	You know what I lost?
	I lost not being able to know the things I thought about.
	What am I gonna name him or her?
	Is it gonna look like me or more like my wife?
	Be shy, or will he be outgoing?
	Is he going to seem like AudioAid's kid who's great and I really love hanging out with him?
	How is he going to interact with Betty?
	What are his dreams and hopes going to be?
	When am I going to see his personality develop?
	Never get to know that.
	That is, I want to be really clear about this, okay?
	This isn't me bitching, but this is also, as we talk about pro-life, that is a life lost.
	That is a life lost that I will never get to know.
	And this is really messed up, but I was talking with someone about this on the team, and women Understand that I have just gone into my hole with this and tried to be as supportive as I can and then at one point cry like a bitch in the car listening to James Taylor, which thankfully no one will ever see, except the NSA.
	F*** me, I'm uncomfortable with talking about this stuff.
	What was I saying?
	What was I saying before this?
	Oh, I was talking with someone on the team.
	And women might not ever, the my body, my choice, that's absolutely true.
	Okay?
	I understand it.
	I understand that there's something that my wife is going through that I will never know.
	But there is also, and men, please tell me, again, in the comments section, if you've been through this with a miscarriage.
	I've been trying to, I'm just going to call it what it is.
	There's a almost, I don't want to use the word jealousy, but that's where it is.
	When you have all of these hopes and dreams and this idea of what your child could or maybe won't be, And it gets taken away from you and you're almost sort of jealous that at least your wife was able to have a connection with that life that you're never going to get to have.
	That's tough.
	And if you say it, you sound like you're being an inconsiderate prick.
	I don't mean to be.
	But I want to know if that's something that I suffer along with.
	I want to know if that's something other people out there have felt, because we usually don't talk about this, and certainly men don't really talk about it.
	They go, oh yeah, it's a tough racket.
	No, it's a really tough racket.
	And so when I see people in the media right now acting like all is lost, when they personally have lost nothing, and they just absolutely belittle the people who've experienced real loss in this pandemic, This whole charade from the media, not saying the virus is a hoax, but the blowing it out of proportion and using it as a political weapon, it's belittled real loss.
	It's belittled when people experience real loss, because I'll tell you, the virus has made it very hard for us to scale up a lot of work, made it hard to keep work afloat, period.
	It's made every single day for people here, one big stutter step, just, oh, oh, we gotta, oh, okay, we gotta do this, no wait, we gotta do this show.
	That's right, we have another show.
	I don't get to relax, we have to be up at 4 a.m.
	to prepare for the next show, but compared to what my wife and I have been going through, it is nothing.
	It is nothing.
	It's a walk in a caution-taped-off park.
	And you know what?
	We all have an empathy meter.
	This is a thing that people don't want to talk about.
	We all have a set empathy meter, and at a certain point, it runs out.
	And I want my heart to be open to the people who need it.
	And we can't keep running everyone's empathy meter down to nothing without refilling it back up with some validation.
	And that's what is happening right now with this virus.
	What you are doing is draining people of their empathy because at a certain point they have nothing left to give, especially when you aren't empathizing with them and they don't know how they're going to put food on the table.
	Or especially when you talk about, oh my god, I can't believe that there's a disease out there, a virus that can have a death rate of 0.2% when there are people out there who are going through miscarriages, who have parents with early onset dementia, who have cancer running in the family, Who maybe just had to hold their dog in their arms while they put him down.
	People are experiencing real loss.
	And so, when we go into 2020, this was a strategy from the left.
	They wanted you to be... They wanted to appear empathetic and they wanted you to remember all of this loss that they were hoping and praying for when you actually look at their statements.
	It's very clear what the motivation was.
	I'm not attributing motive.
	They said that if you watch CNN.
	Guess what?
	I want you to remember it too.
	I want you to remember all of this, and I want you to remember what you lost versus what you were told would be lost, and the real losses that you've had in your life all along the way.
	I hope to see you in the comments section and regain some faith in humanity.
	You guys are usually pretty good.
	You do a good job.

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