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Sept. 19, 2015 - Louder with Crowder
01:11:42
American Ninja Warrior's Matt Iseman | Louder With Crowder
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Time Text
There are differences, but in real life...
Is that room service or something?
I think it's the maid.
I'm good!
Thank you!
Wait, no, hold on.
Let her in.
I want to hear if she's Spanish.
Pardon?
You can come in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
This one is different than a lot of guests that we have because he's probably way more popular than so many of the guests we've had in these weird sort of niche subcultures.
Certainly the imam who wanted to kill me.
He's a host of the very popular show American Ninja Warrior, one in which he can never compete because he looks like he's over a buck fifty.
You can follow him on Twitter at Matt Eisman, comedian, actor, host.
Matt Eisman, thanks for being on, buddy.
My pleasure, Steven.
You're absolutely right.
I'm way over a buck fifty and that's my excuse.
Yes.
Well, you're a big guy.
I mean, I can't.
It's different in the realm of hosts.
I notice you'll get hosts who are bigger, but in the realm of actors, it seems like you would be in the super heavyweight category.
Totally.
So I was on General Hospital back in like 2002, and I was a thug, but I ended up having to get into a fight with one of the actors.
I'm 6'4", like 230, and the guy was 5'9".
And so they had to do the forced perspective where, you know, it looked like we were face-to-face, but he was, you know, like two feet close to the camera, and we're putting up our dudes talking to each other while, you know, he's two feet closer.
Yeah, so that's why I haven't acted as much as I would like.
That's my excuse.
Well, yeah, exactly.
Well, I had that happen when I was in this film, To Save a Life, and if you've ever done a fight, if you've been in, like, of course, if you were in general hospital, you've done fight sequences.
Did they put what they call the gator back on him?
Did they put that on the guy?
No.
Well, they did it with me, which was like, I don't know if it's Kevlar or what you call it, but it's like a gator back.
Oh, like motorcycle guys, right?
Kind of like that, yeah.
But you can't really see it, and the whole thing was like, we're supposed to pin him up against the locker.
And so a really good guy, actually.
A friend will be on the show, Randy Wayne, but he's a lot smaller than me.
And we had to make him out to be a high school basketball star.
So it's just a tough thing to pull off.
And so they put this gator back on him.
And I remember I was doing it and just kind of pushing him up against the locker.
And they said, hey, so have you ever wrestled or done some kind of...
I said, yeah, yeah, I do grappling.
They go, oh, okay, yeah, that's why.
Everything that you know about fighting, do the opposite.
Because you're trying to keep him in close.
We want you to exaggerate it, expose yourself, and bring him around and bring your fist up like this.
So, yeah, we're just letting people in the land of make-believe.
But Ninja Warrior, before we get on to the comedy thing, which I know you started as a comic, Ninja Warrior is so popular as a summer show.
Crazy.
It's just, because there must have been, when that pitch meeting happened, there must have been a lot of people going, ah, that'll work for some little Japanese guys.
That's not going to work in the States.
Well, that's what happened.
It started, it was on G4, a network that no longer exists, but was very tech-heavy.
It doesn't exist anymore?
It doesn't exist.
So it was a Japanese show called Sasuke and they were airing episodes on G4 dubbed into English and they called it Ninja Warrior.
It became so popular there they decided to do an American version and I got brought in on season two.
And it became their top-rated show.
And then Comcast owned G4. Comcast buys NBC. G4 and NBC become sister channels.
They end up putting a finale on NBC. It does well.
We started splitting broadcasts.
G4 ends up going away.
NBC picks up the show.
G4 becomes Esquire.
And then the show just transitioned to NBC last year entirely.
And so for most people, they discovered it last year, you know...
Oh, man.
I didn't even realize.
I was watching it with my ex-girlfriend, I remember, when Nagano was the first guy to clown mine.
Yeah, so you watched the original, right?
Mount Midoriyama.
But most people don't know that, and it's funny.
We still have lots of homages to it, and we recreate Mount Midoriyama in Las Vegas.
It's not quite the same amount of weeping, though, when they lose.
The Japanese are like...
I can't believe!
So we did Team USA versus Japan each of the past two years and the Japanese got skunked.
Just did awful.
And all of their competitors cried.
And as Americans, you know, there's a little bit of, you know, the machismo.
But this sport, it really is such a supportive community.
And I really looked at it differently where you realized these guys were crying for shame.
Like they felt they shamed their country.
Yeah.
And in a way, it was really touching.
It was touching to see how much it meant to them.
But in doing so, then they brought actual shame.
I know.
In the Americans' eyes.
But that's what's funny.
I think this show is really different in that this is the first year we've had a winner.
In previous seasons, we never had a winner.
Oh, and that guy got screwed.
I remember, I felt so bad seeing it.
Well, hold on, let me bring in Gay Jay real quick.
Do you ever watch this show?
I did.
I watched the original, and I don't know if I've seen American as much.
Well, what happened, I'll let Matt explain it.
What happened this last one, it was the first time, you know, they get to Mount, what do you call it?
Midoriama.
Midoriama.
Pat Morita.
We'll call it Mount Pat Morita.
Because it's a common name in Japan, Pat.
So this guy, first American to get up to it, right?
And he climbs up and he had like maybe a fraction of a second left.
And his family's celebrating, you know, a million bucks.
He's the first one ever to do it.
Then the next guy goes and beats him by like, what, Matt?
Three seconds?
Three seconds.
So he thought he was going to get up.
Imagine that.
His wife's already picking out her new wardrobe.
For 11 minutes, they were millionaires.
And then it went away.
It was heartbreaking.
Are you guys going to give them something?
Please tell me NBC's going to do something for them.
So this is what's going on on the internet, is people are really upset.
And it's interesting because in the context of the show, all the competitors, even though no one had ever made it to stage four, we were always very clear that would that eventuality arise, this is how it would come down to whoever did it the fastest.
We didn't anticipate it.
The competitors knew going into it.
Right.
it still doesn't make it any easier.
And unfortunately, we are constrained somewhat by standards and practices where these are the rules set out and it's hard to then go back and reward someone.
I don't know what NBC will do.
And to his credit, Jeff- You're making that NBC cash.
You could throw him a couple of sandwiches.
Believe me, this is the first year I've made NBC cash.
It's been cable up to this time.
As someone who did hosting for MTV and- You know.
Oh, it's nothing. - It's like you're getting This was usually...
Coconut water was what I would get paid in a lot of the times.
It was a stand-up comic, too.
One guy tried to pay me...
I've told that story.
He tried to pay me in Coke once.
Yeah.
That happens all the time.
Coca-Cola or the...
No, the drug.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's better.
I mean, there were times in shows where a guy would be like, sorry, I didn't make enough money, so you're not getting paid.
I'm like, that's a you problem.
You got to pay me.
It's awful.
I mean, we're really...
Talent, in quotes, we're bags of meat.
That's how they view us.
Especially hosting gigs like game shows where it's not...
You know, like Bill Maher is irreplaceable.
But game shows, whenever I did that, there was a show I remember a pilot we shot.
It was called Beat My Dad.
And they were very clear that I was replaceable.
Yeah.
It's funny.
I think that that's...
I've noticed on shows I've been on where it's like an abusive relationship where before your contract comes up or before a new season will come, they won't tell you you're getting picked up until like a week before.
So you start to panic.
You're like, well, do I have a job?
So then when they tell you, yeah, you're coming back, you're supposed to feel grateful instead of saying, well, I want more money.
And it's always everyone pleads...
Poverty.
You know, that they're not making any money.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Because NBC, with the biggest show of the summer, doesn't have any money.
You know what?
It's crazy.
I'm finally getting a little bit of cash, which is nice.
Oh, yeah.
Everyone I know now, I was talking with my dentist today, was talking about Ninja Warrior when I mentioned you were going to be on the program.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, I think he's cute.
And I like it.
Love that show.
And I was like, well, yeah, he's a pretty cool-looking guy.
So I've got to put the...
It's like your gay Jared saying that.
Well, Jared still makes the claim, but the jury's still out.
I'll let you follow him on Twitter and make your own conclusions.
It's not gay.
It's as simple as that.
And mic off.
Okay, Matt.
So you were actually just out there doing Anthony Cumia's show, the big free speech guy.
How was that new studio?
It's beautiful.
I mean, there's a guy, it's amazing when you look at what he's done on his own, because I love the O&A show, Opie and Anthony, when they were together, and one of the things they always talked about was how difficult it was for them to get serious to do anything, to add a video component to upgrade their studio.
Anthony loses his job, ends up having – he had a studio in his basement, then converts it to this unbelievable high-tech wonderland that's probably one of the better studios anywhere in terms of video and audio capability, and then ends up creating – I think he realized he was out in Long Island.
He was having trouble getting guests to come out there.
So he built a studio in Midtown that's, again, unbelievably – Nice.
They're ironing out the bugs.
Well, you know, the actors' unions, they try and step in, you know, a big part of the writer's strike to a sort of digital content.
The thing that empowers the individual worker, like Anthony, he was never going to work on radio again because he said something politically incorrect.
But unions don't like if you can build a studio in your house and start creating your own content and monetizing it yourself.
That's a big conflict a lot of people don't know about in the entertainment industry now.
It's tough to navigate.
I mean, I've been in the actors' union because I had to since I was 12 years old.
And yeah, I mean, it's amazing how much you can get done on your own.
His studio would have cost like hundreds of thousands, if not millions, not that long ago.
Yeah.
The barriers to entry have been lowered.
The difficult thing is, how do you stand out?
And that's why I always give anyone credit.
When people will make fun of some Vine purse creator or whatever, where they've got millions of followers, the thing is, whatever it is, it's not easy to get people's attention and to maintain it.
So to people like you who've created essentially your own brand, And I found you online.
I didn't know you were on Terrestrial other than until I started hearing you on the show.
Don't admit it.
We'll edit this.
And the other thing I think is so many people consume content digitally now that it's just much easier than to find it terrestrial.
Didn't you pay for the Wall Street Journal just because you were trying to submit a story to me?
That was the newspaper every day at your door.
You're like, what the hell am I going to do?
Look at this!
12 bucks for 12 weeks.
I'm like, I just want to see the rest of the story because, you know, it's a subscriber.
And next thing I know, every dang day, I get what my wife is flipping out that I just have so many newspapers just stacking up, stacking up.
I'm like, I have nothing to do with these.
I can't...
There's not enough cat poop in the house to use them.
Well, you know what, though?
And that's one thing.
Regardless of where anyone lines up politically, I can tell that you're more of an independent sort of anti-authority.
Because when you talk about that, there is this puritanical mindset in stand-up, Matt, where it's like, well, they're not a real comedian unless they're doing stand-up every night.
Well, it's just an evolution of comedy.
I mean, stand-up didn't come along.
It was just sketch before that.
You know, it was vaudeville.
It's a new development.
And you have these kids who...
Right.
Well, now they're doing it in their bedroom and their bedroom is the audience.
And you have a lot of standup comedians who don't like that.
They feel like it's a shortcut.
It's just a different way.
And even as someone who just did standup, YouTube didn't exist when I started.
I got to respect their game doing that.
I totally do, too.
I think it's it's the same process largely in that, you know, you're you're finding I think everything with standup, even though it's different with how you'll develop material versus people who are just generating a lot of material.
I think it's the same process in that you're really trying to find your voice, your point of view.
And I think that's what the best people do.
That's what people respond to when someone finds something that resonates.
with their personality and the audience.
And however you do it, I have tremendous respect for that.
And I started out, same thing, kind of in the clubs, a much more traditional model.
And there was this very much, like you said, if you're not out on the road, if you're not doing it, you're not really a comic.
And what we've seen too is just the money in stand-up has not increased.
And I think that you're just being a traditional stand-up, unless you're Bill Burr or Brian Regan or someone who's selling out theaters – And I mean, Burr, even Burr, I think, really, he got his boost from his podcast and other digital mediums.
I think Regan is one of the few guys I think of who's a pure stand-up comic who's done it just through stand-up.
Right.
He writes so much.
You know, a lot of people don't give him credit because of his character.
Like, it's stupid.
I'm going, well, first off, it's very cerebral when you get down to it.
And secondly, I saw him live.
You know, I had seen everything up until this point.
I saw him in New York.
My manager at that point had worked with him in Caroline's.
And I was like, I had never – he did it in an hour and a half.
I had seen none of it.
I saw him in Dallas two weeks later on the same tour, and about half of that was new.
For me, he was the guy who literally, when I drove out to LA to start doing stand-up, his CD was on repeat.
And I remember seeing him at Comedy Works, and it was probably half an hour into the show before I even realized he hasn't cursed once.
No innuendo, nothing.
Completely clean, and I was laughing harder than I ever have.
And I remember I went to the Ice House, one of their...
I don't know, 25th anniversary.
Hold on, I just realized we have to go to a break here and keep the lights on.
Oh my gosh, we have traditional radio.
We're talking about new media.
But yes, let's hold that thought.
I want to hear that story.
Matt Eisman, host of Ninja.
We'll just be right back.
Just ignore that.
We'll be right back.
Matt Eisman, you were telling a story before the break about Brian Regan, and then I want to get into free speech and comedy.
You have the floor, sir.
So just saying that we were at the Ice House, and I saw, you know, Ten of the greatest comics of all time, and none of them could hold a candle to Regan that night.
He absolutely destroyed.
And again, talking about a guy who's just developed his act, but when I look at people who are building their acts through Vine or YouTube or whatever it is, Grace Helbig is a good example of a YouTuber, I think, who's parlayed it now into traditional media.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
But I'm saying she's done a good job of developing her persona.
Did you see what she recently said?
About Nicole Arbor?
Yeah, but her tweet was like, as a comedian for me, it's your job to always make someone feel better and never make anyone feel bad.
Otherwise, you're not a real comedian.
And it's like, what the hell are you talking about?
Yeah.
This is interesting because for me, again, I'm largely a very clean comic.
I tend to be goofy.
I rarely curse if at all.
So my act is pretty conservative, pretty goofy mainstream.
I'm not making fun of anyone other than myself.
Having said that, I love listening to guys like Doug Stanhope or Jim Norton or any of these people who cross the lines.
Part of it, I feel very strongly that in comedy, you should be able to joke about anything.
Any topic can be made funny.
Having said that, it's not like I'm insensitive to people's needs or triggers, but I always marvel.
For Grace, I'm like, that's fine.
If that's how you want to be, great.
I just don't like it when they impose their point of view on comedy onto other people.
And I think it's so important because comedy can cover so many different issues and bring up issues and encourage discussion in ways that sometimes serious approaches can't.
That I just think it's important that we don't close off any topic to discussion, which is what I think comedy is, is really how you bring these topics in.
Yeah, no, you're right.
And, you know, I do think it's easier in a way definitely to be dirty.
I've talked about this for one night.
I just said, you know what, I'm a clean comic, but I've been banned just for being edgy because it's politically incorrect.
Right.
So from multicultural affairs at colleges.
So it's the cleanest, most offensive set you've ever seen is kind of what I tell a lot of people.
But it has changed drastically.
And when you have people who want to legislate, you have feminists out there who want to have comedians issue trigger warnings on stage before they tell a joke.
That was like the Nicole Arbor.
Arbor?
I always forget her last name.
I think that's it.
There's a real uprising, though, right now in comedy.
There's a real weird sort of Jim Norton calls them cultural landmines and there are new ones being set all the time.
As someone who thinks that it's definitely easier to be dirty and I always argued that because I did it one night and it was like, oh my gosh, I just could do so much better because I was free to say anything.
On the same breath, I've also noticed that it's comedians like you or comedians like myself or even Regan or Gaffigan who defend that free speech more than anyone else.
When you have a lot of these comedians who are dirty but they're these social justice warriors, we're like, well, it's okay for me to go up and talk about a three-centre truck stop, but it's not okay for you to make fun of Muhammad.
Those are our rules.
And the rules just keep changing.
We had Harrison Greenbaum last week.
I just don't think they're able to get it.
Well, it's interesting.
Sarah Silverman said we have to change with the times.
And again...
If you want to, I'm totally fine with a comic doing whatever they think best serves their audience and best serves their values.
That's the whole point of free speech.
Do what you want to do.
But I just...
I don't like the idea of people telling comics what they can and can't talk about because you've seen people talk about the most vile subjects and yet find a way to make it funny and find a way to make it thoughtful.
And part of that is you stumble through it.
People, I think...
A lot of people have this impression that jokes spring fully formed out of your mind perfect.
They don't see you slogging through it for a year, sometimes five years, to get a joke right.
And a lot of that is saying it wrong.
And so that's why I'm always protective of if a comic says something, I always want to give them the benefit of the doubt that, look, they're trying to express something here.
And we should encourage that.
And part of it is you encourage people to say things you don't like.
Trevor Burrus Like Sarah Silverman is a perfect example.
She was the quintessential shot comic who was largely thoughtless.
Like it wasn't even commentary.
It was just like, oh, starving kids in Africa.
They look pregnant because of their bellies.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, my doc – it's like really, really – what was designed to be offensive.
Some of it was very funny.
I remember when I was starting – people were like, have you heard of Sarah Silverman?
But that was how she got by.
It's kind of like Metallica where they got by, you know, getting their music pirated and getting it out, you know, in the underground.
And then all of a sudden when there are these multimillionaires, they're running the anti-pirating.
Napster's evil.
Yes, Napster's evil.
That's kind of like Sarah Silverman.
It's like, well, I got mine.
I did my Jesus's Magic show.
I constantly made fun of, you know, Christians and the conservatives and I – wildly offensive.
But now we all need to change with the times.
And by we, I mean you adhere to my opinion.
That's what really bothers me about it.
It does me too.
And again, you know, whatever she wants to do is fine.
I just, I, and I don't know, maybe in 20 years we're going to look back and go, I can't believe anybody ever suggested that you could talk about certain topics or that you could joke about these things.
Maybe we'll find the world is a better place because nobody's allowed to have negative thoughts or express things that aren't in line with traditional, you know, the approved thought.
You're being facetious.
You can't.
I mean, maybe it's one of those things where it's like, look, I'll acknowledge I could be totally wrong, but I just think that when I look at so many impactful things in history, I think having counterpoints, having people be able to discuss things.
And I think the way you change minds is not by telling people you're wrong.
Don't think that way.
It's by saying, here's my point of view.
Here's your point of view.
Let's discuss this.
Maybe I can enlighten you in some way or you can enlighten me.
Yeah.
I think that having people be able to speak their mind on topics and not be afraid to be punished … Trevor Burrus I think you're right for most people, like people listening right now or people who might have heard Sarah Silverman's comics.
You can convince them.
Then there are people like Sarah Silverman who have their mind made up and they know they're being misleading to try and move the public towards their point of view.
in order to reach the people who may think it's sensible.
Because there are people listening going like, oh, well, maybe it makes sense.
We should remove free speech and the First Amendment shouldn't exist.
And you need to go, no, that's silly, goofy, dumb, dumb talk.
That's ridiculous.
She's stupid.
Let me express my opinion.
Huh.
Maybe she is really stupid in saying the First Amendment shouldn't be respected.
There are some people you go, okay, I can reach them, and some people you just have to publicly make an example.
Hold on.
I just realized.
I'm going to go to one more break and then go to the web-extended version where Matt Eisenman, you're going to hear him say all kinds of wildly offensive things.
So if you're listening terrestrially, waterwithcrowder.com will be right back.
Okay, now we're just off online.
Matt Eisenman, you can drop the act.
We all know you're a filthy, filthy, disgusting...
In person, I do.
I curse.
And again, I'm totally conscious of the fact that my job hinges on what I say.
And if I tweet the wrong thing, I realize there are certain consequences and I try to be cognizant of that.
But, you know, I try to also, when I see someone, like Trevor Noah with The Daily Show, when he got hired and they went back through his tweets and they pulled out these tweets that they felt were offensive towards women or fat people or Jewish people, when you looked at them, you're just like...
Those were jokes.
Whether you thought they were funny or not, you could at least see there was an attempt for humor.
They have no sense of humor about it.
We just went to a feminist film festival and half of them were body panels.
First off, I don't get what morbid obesity has.
Why is Gage here already laughing?
You just said film festival and I just remembered it all.
Everything was a trigger warning and it was like this picture of this I'm talking five by five.
What would you say, Gage?
250?
I don't want to exaggerate on a good day.
Maybe in the morning.
Yeah, 250 when she's cutting weight for a wrestling meet.
And they just talked about like, you know, you can't fat shame me.
And then the next page was pushing for universal health care.
It's like, well, hold on a second.
If I'm going to foot the bill and they write this stuff that are just, you know, there is no correlation between weight, obesity and health issues.
What?
I mean, things that are universally true now, they try and argue, aren't true if it's offensive.
And that's how far we've gone.
I get you have to be diplomatic because Ninja Warrior's a sweet gig and I'm doing some, you know...
You might know about these people because they don't see them on Ninja Warrior.
I was a husky child.
So was I. Looks like you did some push-ups and figured it out.
Pleasantly plump.
My dad gave me a thought.
It was 8th grade.
I was like 5'7", 200 pounds.
And he's like, you know, you're going to high school, champ.
If you want to play football, you're going to have to get in shape.
And I ended up losing like 50 pounds and growing 6 inches.
And then, you know, kind of got onto my current semi-healthy track.
What's interesting, though, is I used to be a doctor.
And when we talk about political correctness and you don't talk about...
Wait, you were a doctor?
Yeah, I went to medical school, got my MD, and I was doing residency when I bailed to do entertainment.
Wait, hold on.
What kind of doctor?
Internal medicine.
I'm licensed as a general practitioner in California.
I went to Columbia Med School here in New York and then went back to Colorado for residency and then bailed.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
How does nobody know this?
You're a doctor.
You're licensed as an actual doctor.
You went to Columbia and you're up there like, you know, people picture you like this goofy comic like Ninja Wario.
He's the big comic who's like kind of a jock.
You're a doctor?
Yeah.
I used to be smart, and then I left.
Jared, quickly edit out anything where it seemed like I was talking down to him.
Yes.
Done.
Done.
Well, good for you!
Good for you!
So it's safe to say you have a plan B. I pursued my dream, and I love what I do, but what's interesting is when you think about how We'll talk about you don't comment on people's age or their appearance, their race, their gender in anything except in medicine, where it's malpractice if you don't know someone's age, someone's gender.
Ashkenazi Jews are predisposed to certain illnesses.
It's true.
It's funny to me when you think about how politically correct we are and in medicine it's the utter opposite where all you do is make assumptions based on gender.
A woman comes in, you're doing a pelvic exam if they have pain between the knees and the belly button.
It's automatic as opposed to a guy.
So much the better for your day.
Exactly.
So it's funny that we, in medicine and science-based things, you acknowledge there are differences.
But in real life...
Is that room service or something?
I think it's the maid.
I'm good!
Thank you!
Wait, no, hold on.
Let her in.
I want to hear if she's Spanish.
Pardon?
Yeah, you can come in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
It's you again.
How's everything?
Good.
No, we had a...
I wanted to do it.
No leaks over here, nothing.
Was there a leak?
Downstairs, very little.
I just wanted to make sure it wasn't coming down from here.
Tell them to smile.
They're a national program.
There's a podcast here.
I'm on.
Steven Crowder.
No, that's okay.
No, he wanted you guys to come in and do the thing.
But they're not Spanish.
All right.
He may be taken, though.
Well, color me embarrassed.
My prejudice got the better of me.
Yeah.
Wait, you're like Kelly Osbourne.
Yes, exactly.
No, in New York, it's always like, I told Jared this.
I had one time, I go to a hotel.
I go, hey, okay.
I was just exhausted.
I was coming in after doing a morning show.
I go, all right, listen.
I need to take a nap before I hit the road.
What's the latest checkout I can get?
It's noon, sir.
I go, okay, what's the latest checkout I can get?
It's noon.
I'm like, can you give me one or two?
Because I'm not going to leave at noon.
It's noon.
And then I sent in this housekeeping lady later on, opening the door.
It's like 12.05.
Like, East checkout!
I'm like, I am sleeping.
East checkout!
Like, I am sleeping.
East checkout!
I just said, leave me!
And then it was awkward every time I went back there.
The Kelly Osbourne thing to me was really interesting because she did what Julianna Rancic did and made a comment and argued that it was taken sort of out of context.
But she didn't cut Julianna Rancic the slack that she was asking to be cut.
And to me, that's the thing where it's like...
She wanted context.
And I think that's what so often people refuse to give people is context when you're trying to make a joke.
And I just, I'm amazed at how people will, Ariana Grande, when she said that, she licked a donut and said, I hate Americans.
And people made it sound like she was standing on stage, you know, I hate Americans.
And you watch this thing And it was the most innocent thing.
She looked maybe a little tipsy with her boyfriend.
A little tipsy?
But it's like there's no context.
Heroin junkies would look at her and go, that's a little severe.
But it's like, what is she, 22?
And you're just like, this is something.
I remember my 22 years with the heroin.
Is that an excuse?
No, but I'm saying, it's like, is this something that we think this is an evil person because they made a comment?
I do.
I think she is.
Because I don't like her.
No, what it is, honestly, I understand exactly where you're coming from, and there is a double standard.
But I do think that, if we're being honest...
The standard entirely comes from modern progressivism, the left, and like Matt Damon now who just got all this flack for saying it should be merit-based.
Well, he was the guy before who was saying – literally arguing against merit-based pay in teaching.
He said there was no correlation between merit-based pay and better performance for teachers.
That was the thing.
Everyone thought he was his champion.
He's like, well, that's like me saying you would do better if you wouldn't be a shitty camera guy if you were paid more.
And I was sitting there going, yeah, exactly.
That's why really good cameramen are paid more.
DPs are paid a lot if they're really good.
So we argued against it.
He created that leftist monster and now it's being used against him.
So for me, I'm like, hey, you made this monster.
Now it's time for it to devour you.
Whereas I feel like someone like you, I would provide you context.
And I think a lot of people outside of the left have afforded me context because I'm consistently offensive across the board.
My only thing is if you're consistent, that's what matters.
But if you're not, you deserve to be consumed.
I agree, but I would rather, like, with Matt Damon, I'm still like, I would rather see it be, this is a guy who's clearly, I believe, supports diversity and maybe made a statement or was ignorant, whatever it was.
I don't like seeing anyone get consumed by it because I just, I think it's so easy for anyone to say something that may be taken out of context.
But he does that and he serves to want to legislate that to everyone else.
I would still rather see him get away with it and then say – That's true.
Have everyone else because I just don't like this idea of when you say one thing that people get offended with and then for – the reality is it's usually a week.
I mean, Nicole Arbor, when was the last time you saw any mention of it on Twitter?
They've moved on to Matt Damon or the next gross indignation.
So it's scary, though, because...
You have to go away forever.
That happens with some people.
You have to go away forever.
And that's the problem, too.
We're going to have Karen Strahan on next week, and she's a men's rights activist.
And she makes these brilliant points for people to go, you know, I was watching Parks and Rec and Amy Poehler, who I think is funny but is as far to the left as can possibly be and indoctrinates everyone through her content, unabashedly so her and Tina Fey, and I think they're very funny.
Unlike the delineating factor between them and Lena Dunham is that they are funny.
So they – and they also don't write themselves naked and everything and demand that we praise them.
She said like, oh, men's rights are not a thing.
Well, there's Karen Strachan who – people would just say that's just absurd men's rights.
Well, she goes back and she goes, hold on a second.
Feminism is predicated on the idea that they've discovered new things.
For example, that now it's inappropriate to beat your wife.
It's always been wrong.
As a matter of fact, men were punished for being their wives and men were punished for being beaten by their wives.
Roosevelt.
Teddy Roosevelt wanted to bring back the whipping post for men who beat their wives.
This was in, I think, 1904 because they didn't think it was fair to put them in jail because they wouldn't be able to provide for the woman.
So it was not only important that the man be punished, but that he simultaneously be burdened with providing.
These were men.
So she'll bring up these points that are brilliant.
She talks about how domestic abuse is much higher in lesbian households and much higher from women toward men.
Alimony laws.
And people just go, oh, that's just ridiculous because they're not even willing to hear what she has to say because it's been just sort of this societally agreed upon truth.
And a lot of those are just – and I don't say it to be conspiratorial.
A lot of those are just – They're just false.
And I think it's going to happen to everyone at some point.
Every single person now is going to have said something for which they can lose their job.
Who can run for president in 20 years?
Who?
Right.
SweetSherry69 at Yahoo.com.
Did you not write that Rebecca Black was a total bitch under Friday in the YouTube comments section?
It is.
It's amazing that everything lives on digitally.
There's no room for humanity.
We're all imperfect.
We're all going to do something we regret.
It's amazing to see Steve Ranazzisi, this guy who admittedly committed this lie about being in the World Trade Center as a comic, and now it just kind of has come out.
It's awful, but there's also a human part of me that goes...
You know, sometimes people say things just to get a little attention, and it spirals out of control.
And, you know, I know him a little bit, and I know he's always been very nice to me, and you're just like...
So I definitely sympathize, you know, at the same time while saying that's a horrible thing to have claimed, and I don't know how much he traded on it to make his fame, but...
Yeah, I don't know the full story.
I know he claimed it was in the World Trade Center.
Now, what is it?
Why?
Was it for a bid?
I don't know if it was just, you know, I don't know that I've ever even talked about it on stage, if it's just kind of been a talking point where, you know, how much, I don't know.
It's just, it's obviously a very touchy subject.
I lie about stuff on stage all the time.
I don't even know if he did it on stage or if it was just an interview.
Well, because that would be ridiculous.
I mean, I used to have a bit about throwing a baby out a window, and I've never done that.
Right, right.
As much as sometimes you'd like to.
It's like, oh, colic!
But the point being, like, just watching him this morning, I've been watching it on Twitter, watching people You can't do that.
You can't apologize.
You can't ask for mercy there.
Like Don Imus is a perfect example.
If he just said, oh, screw off.
It's a joke.
Joan Rivers.
Yeah, Joan Rivers.
She never apologized.
Ann Coulter.
Joel Rivers was, you know, my mom was a wardrobe stylist for the Just for Laughs.
Really?
Yeah, she was.
Have you ever done the Just for Laughs?
No, I've never been invited.
Oh, really?
That's my one claim to fame as a comic.
I did it when I was young, and it was such a hard problem.
It's funny, I talked about this last week.
I used to lie about it.
That's a perfect example where I used to lie, where I used to be like, oh yeah, right before I went on stage, I threw up.
Because for some reason, I thought that was less embarrassing than I had explosive diarrhea in the green room.
Because when I get nervous, that's what happens.
I remember, like, I lied about that story for so long.
It's the same story, but for some reason, I feel like if I just don't, like, throwing up is more masculine.
As opposed to, you know, just explosive.
Sitting on the toilet, clutching it.
Oh, God!
So that's the real story.
I've been open about that now before my audition for the Just for Laughs.
And I ended my set that got me there on the N-word.
That's how I ended the set was about white kids using the N-word.
So it was like shock, leave.
But I don't remember what that was.
Yeah, she was a wardrobe style.
So Joan Rivers, I have a story about her.
She's Joan Rivers, but she was very, very kind and she loved my mom.
And, you know, no, I don't need any help with the wardrobe.
Thank you.
And, like, yo, oh, you skinny bitches!
Go have a sandwich!
You know, to my mom.
My mom's pretty thin.
And she's really nice.
And she gave my mom, like, tried to tip my mom, like, $50.
Like, an absurd amount.
My mom's a wardrobe.
Like, she's really well-paid.
You know, you don't...
She's like...
And the thing is, in French Canada, it's a cultural thing where people offer a gift.
And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, take that.
Take that.
No, no, I can't take it.
No, no, take it.
And they're like, okay, next time.
You know, that's how it usually works.
Yeah.
So my mom was like, no, no, I really can't take it.
And so Joan Rivers was like, fine, I'm just leaving my...
And she left it on the craft table.
And my mom didn't take it.
And Joan Rivers walked back and saw it.
And was like legitimately, I think...
I don't want to say Joan Rivers ever gets offended, but legitimately thought like, what's wrong?
Like, looked at my mom, what's wrong with you?
Why didn't you take the money?
She was very surprised and I think a little bit offended.
But it's funny, she was offended because she gave my mom $50 and she was just that generous.
Which a lot of people don't know, but she was an incredibly generous person.
And...
It was wildly offensive.
Yeah.
Don Rickles.
I mean, Don Rickles could not have been nicer.
More genuine or supportive to someone on stage.
And it's funny.
Jim Norton actually talks about this where he says, people hold comedians to a different standard than any other artist.
Like if someone plays a rapist in a movie, no one accuses them of supporting rape.
But if a comic jokes about a topic, then there's no context for irony or any of that.
And it's interesting to me that as an art form, comedy is taken very literally.
Even when people are...
You'll sometimes say something ironically to kind of heighten it.
This is so hyperbolic and so clearly I don't support it that everyone knows I mean the opposite.
But people take it out of context.
And it's interesting.
I just think comedy can be such an important art form for...
For encouraging discussion and getting people to think differently and approaching people with topics or points of view that they otherwise would reject.
And because you make them laugh about it, you can encourage discussion.
I just think it's a shame to see that people are really trying to narrow what can be viewed as acceptable in comedy.
Not only in comedy, though.
It's all over the entertainment industry now.
It should be a concern of any American who supports freedom, but particularly anyone who works in the creative Sorry, we're in the podcast.
I've been having a soda.
Is this explosive diarrhea?
This is less embarrassing.
See, when I tell this story, I was like, yeah, I had a hiccup.
That's the same thing.
I have a burp, I'll lie and be like, oh, it's a hiccup.
Why?
Why?
There's no reason for that.
Is this what your wife makes you do?
So you appear more civilized?
Yeah, my wife saw the ride.
She bought a ticket anyway.
That's always what we say.
You're married, right?
No, no.
Well, dating.
Okay, dating.
If she's watching, I'm very seriously dating.
Okay.
I don't know why.
I guess it's just because people sort of picture you like...
Mature, boring family guy.
Well, they picture you, yeah, more like that kind of...
You don't really see a lot of you with sort of the alternative wave in comedy, right?
It's sort of like...
Oh, no.
No, again, I'm pretty boring.
Well, no, you're not...
With most of the stuff I do.
But you have guys who will tell you you can't be funny because you're a good-looking tall guy.
I mean, you'll get that.
They're like, you can't be funny because you have to be funny to make up for the fact if you're not like a tall, athletic guy.
There's that sort of prejudice in comedy.
Have you faced that?
I don't know.
I think...
Are you so good-looking that it's hard to get a job?
I mean, I've always been kind of goofy, so I think it's a little – I go up there and I think I kind of tend to be the butt of the jokes.
So, I mean, people might say I'm not funny, but I think I'm hilarious.
So, I don't know.
I mean, pretty quickly I got into hosting stuff.
So, that's really been the bread and butter.
So, the comedy is kind of followed after that.
So, where I think being a bigger guy actually helps.
Would you go back to being a doctor?
You know, at this point, it was just 16 years since I left, so I'm pretty rusty.
Wait, 16 years?
How old are you, or were you Doogie Howser?
I'm 44.
You're 44?
I'm trying to think of medical school.
When are you old enough to practice?
I actually took a year off after college, so I was 20.
I must have been 20.
What's the math?
28?
29 when I left?
Are you sure you were a doctor?
Right?
This is it.
It's going to be exposed.
He has to go through the anguish of adding one.
But you're still lying about it.
You're one of those guys who needs a multi-time zone watch.
You're like, what is it in New York?
Subtract how many?
Oh my god!
That's the thing I think about too with some of these people who get caught up in these lies.
Like how terrifying it must be at some point when you're lying awake in the middle of the night going, someone's going to find me out.
Like what an awful existence that must be.
Unless you're just sociopathic where you just think, Yeah, like Sean King.
I'm a black guy!
Did you follow that story?
Yeah.
That was what got me kicked out of the Feminist Film Festival.
When I said, like, you have the Black Lives Matter panel, you know, and you talk about people like Sean King, who's white, and she's like, Sean King is not white.
And what got me kicked out was I just said, Sean King is absolutely white.
There is no doubt that he's white.
And she's like, Okay, I think you're being incendiary.
And this video will be up next week.
They told me I was incendiary.
Jared's laughing.
And I go, I'm incendiary.
I walk back and I grab a picture of giant, rubber-titted, menstruating, transgender Jesus Christ.
And I go, this is giant, rubber-titted, menstruating, tranny Jesus.
And me saying that a white guy, Sean King is white, is reason to kick me out?
Like, well, people knew what to expect when we advertised it.
I go, did Did you advertise giant, rubber-titted, menstruating, transgender Jesus?
Some people don't care.
Some people just genuinely don't.
Have you ever met someone like that where you realize, oh, you just lie?
Some people don't care.
It doesn't bother them.
But I wonder if deep down in the middle of the night, if they're just terrified.
Whatever.
Whatever their scenario is where they get themselves into the situation where you're like, you just keep doubling down.
I would just think that that's got to be miserable.
I would think so.
I think Hillary Clinton wakes up and it's just like her head pops off the pillow and she's like, I got away with it.
Tuesday, here we go.
It's going to be an interesting year and a couple months.
Are you going to watch the debates?
No, I'm going to be doing the Kumya podcast and then bouncing around.
I'm going to go to Sirius and do some other press stuff.
I love catching the highlights.
Yeah, I think it's – well, that's true.
People will be listening terrestrially and it will be delayed.
But it's going to be interesting to see the fallout with this one.
Yeah, Hillary Clinton, it's funny how much ground she's losing right now if you've been following to Bernie Sanders.
And we ended up the math.
Well, Wall Street Journal did and we kind of wrote an all-encompassing piece.
Bernie Sanders – did you hear what his proposals – exactly what they would add to the national debt in 10 years?
Was it 16 or 18?
18.
$18 trillion.
Oh, my God.
It's like free healthcare, free college.
And new spending.
And new spending, in addition to the deficits we're currently running.
Offset by higher taxes, I take it?
If you tax all earnings over a million at 100%, you'd fund the current deficit.
You'd fund the current government for four months.
So that doesn't work.
And he's like, you know, we'll defund the military!
Right, but that accounts for about 20% of spending, whereas entitlements are way more than that when you add them all up, Social Security, Medicare.
So even if you cut military spending entirely and taxed everyone at 100%, and we had no military...
It wouldn't work.
The numbers just don't add up.
They just do not add up.
But that's the thing.
I don't think he cares.
I don't think he cares.
It's like, okay, I'm going to tell them.
I'm going to give them free health care and we're going to give them free university and $15 minimum.
Well, how are you going to pay for that?
And I'll be dead.
How are you going to pay for it?
It's not going to come up!
My friend's a cop in LA and they're dealing with the pensions where when they, you know, 20 years, 25 years invested it, you then have, I think, 80% of your maximum salary for life plus healthcare.
And when you start looking, you know, they had to know when they proposed this.
Mathematically, that's unsustainable.
But I think a lot of times politicians will think...
Look, I just need to solve this issue for the next year, two years, three years.
And I'm going to punt until someone else.
And they just, they don't necessarily look.
And I think probably politicians who do propose long-term solutions, people think, well, you're not doing anything in the short term.
So I don't want to hear it.
That's like the kid running for class president.
Like, I'm going to get you free ice cream sandwiches in the cafeteria.
It's like, well, how are we going to do it?
I don't know.
I'm just going to ask them.
My mom will buy them for you.
My mom will buy them.
Here, vote for me.
Here's the treat.
That's how they were all won in grade school.
I remember I ran for class president and I lost A because no one liked me.
But I was actually leading at one point.
Is that why you're a comic, Stevens?
I was leading at one point, but then someone else brought in homemade brownies, and I brought in...
What are those crappy little...
Poutine?
No.
Canadian?
Oh, that would have been...
That would have clinched it for me.
It would have just wrapped it up.
Tim Hortons?
Tim Hortons.
What are those crappy little taffies that you get in Halloween candy?
Like, just the cheapest thing.
You know what I'm talking about?
Those Brock's taffies?
Vanaliters?
I don't know what they are.
They're basically like little taffies.
It usually has like a little boo on them or like it's wrapped in orange.
Oh, the Laffy Taffy?
Yeah.
Those ones that like pull out fillings?
Yes, exactly.
And I brought them in because I had them laying around.
I'm like, this will be a hit.
And everyone was like, screw you, Crowder!
She brought brownies.
So I lost to Erin Illich.
So it was the entitlement culture that really won them over, huh?
Yeah.
And she was biracial, so there was no way I was going to appeal that.
Hey, I was oppressed for my selection in candy.
But that's basically what it is.
You know, you promise people stuff.
It's hard to compete.
Rush Limbaugh says it's hard to compete with Santa Claus, right?
All this free stuff.
I guess, yeah, if you can do it, you don't really think about who it's going to cost.
And the same with businesses.
We sort of toss this out there now, like...
The businesses.
We're going to take it from them.
These corporations with all this money.
If they rescinded the Bush tax cuts, tell you what, Gay Jared's out in the job going back to performing favors down in the bad area of town, though it's more of a favor for him.
Not a favor.
You don't consider it a favor what you consider it charity?
I don't want to misspeak on you to get the LGBTQAI community manager.
Just no comment.
Don't send me back there.
Just don't set it back there.
Tell my people back.
No, but seriously, you look at the Bush tax cuts, almost all small businesses would be hurt and have to lay someone off if they get rescinded.
But you say, Bush tax cuts, and people get furious about it, and they go, Corporations and Citizens United.
And then all of a sudden, next thing you know, businesses are vilified.
And you're, I mean, as a comedian, well, do you have an LLC? Do you consider it a business?
I did, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, I ended up a couple years ago incorporating.
That's way too long.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It is.
I think once you hit a certain point of income, it definitely helps.
Also, if you say something offensive, you're not personally liable to the company.
No, no, the company made the rape joke.
It was a hotel room.
We're going to protest your company.
Yeah, exactly.
Some comedians have done that.
A lot of comedians don't, but that's one thing I've sort of talked with other comedians about now, with the liability of hate speech and people suing.
I mean, think about them going after a bakery for not making a cake for a gay wedding.
They could go after...
If you're not super offensive, like you said, but they could go after any comic for anything at that point and just seize all their...
It is, and again...
I tend not to cross those lines.
But boy, I just want comics to be able to.
Because again, it's who determines what's funny.
And again, what's offensive to one may not be to another.
I just think you could argue virtually any joke could be construed as...
You could probably find some target group.
And I wish people would...
Just encourage this and say, I don't like it, but do it and let's discuss it.
Let's not tell you, you lose your job.
We shun you.
We want you to be banished to the bell.
All comedy, though, at its root has some pain.
People don't understand that.
Like you said, you may be like, I'm kind of just goofy.
Yeah, but if you're making yourself the brunner joke, the pain is at your expense.
Totally.
Just like, okay, why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did it get to the other side?
The pain is, you're an idiot.
What did you think the joke was about?
It's the obvious answer, stupid.
Everyone at some point is being made fun of in the joke.
At some point, someone's being victimized.
And it's just now I want to choose which groups are okay.
And that's the problem is when they lie about it.
Like, well, you know, actually all...
For example, right now, the big feminist thing is all women have been oppressed by men because men are aggressive and they force women to submit and they're abusive and they're violent.
Therefore, it's not okay to make fun of women.
When the fact is now the pendulum's shifted and it's the other way around.
And men are society's whipping posts and you can make fun of them all you want.
You can make fun of yourself for being stupid, right?
I mean, I've done it too where I've gone up and done bits like...
I haven't done it in a while.
I just go, you know, everyone's always...
You know, the guy shows up and he's like an idiot.
Like...
I'm smarter than my wife.
Like, what is she going to do?
You said, like, what is she going to do?
You know, we get into arguments like, oh, you're right, honey.
No.
And in the same breath, I don't get guys who are like, oh, the old ball and chain.
Like, I love my wife.
How stupid are you to marry a moron that you feel you have to go home to every night?
Like, I don't relate to that at all.
Gus is sleeping on the couch.
Oh, I'm a grown-ass man, so probably not me.
The old ball and chain.
Actually, my wife's really hot, and I like her.
We get along, and we discuss our issues.
So...
I don't relate to it.
But you're not married, so you don't know.
You just have this girlfriend about whom you're very serious, by the way.
But it's interesting.
Who is it?
Nick DiPaolo talks about that in commercials.
The guy's the idiot.
Yes.
Because that's...
Brian Reed has a bit about that, too.
Yeah.
I'm a dumb old guy.
He's stuck in the blinds.
I don't know anything.
The truth is, let's be honest, right?
If men were that stupid, women wouldn't want to marry us.
If men were that stupid, they wouldn't ask you to fix what's going on with the blinds.
They wouldn't ask you to go out at night and check out what's going on with the air conditioning unit.
It's not true.
No one really thinks guys are stupid.
No one really thinks women are stupid.
But for some reason, one is okay to say and the other isn't.
And it's predicated on the idea that, well, we have to unilaterally agree.
One is an oppressed group.
The other isn't.
Therefore, one is acceptable to joke about.
And that's what's interesting to me, too, is when a group that's oppressed then will turn around and oppress people.
The oppressors, instead of saying, just don't oppress us.
When it's like, well, you oppressed us and now we're going to do the same thing back to you.
Right.
Well, it's because usually they haven't been oppressed.
That's the thing.
And I really recommend you check out the show next week, after this week, which is next week.
I'm just trying to do the math because Mr.
Former Doctor here has a problem adding one.
See, there you go.
I can make fun of you as a guy.
If you were a woman and I did that, that'd be on a loop like a morphine drip.
Look how Steven aggressed his female guests.
What are you, stupid Karen?
You're going to cry?
She talks about that.
Women were not oppressed.
Women were not oppressed by men.
This idea that...
That's one thing, too.
I say it because you come across as more of a masculine guy, which is rare now.
Most guys are so androgynous.
It's crazy.
I was thinking about it.
I was looking back and I'm like, actually, Alice Cooper...
Is pretty masculine compared to the, like, hipster, gender-fluid people we have today.
Really.
Like, Alice Cooper, like, there was never any doubt that he was straight.
He was just weird.
You know what I mean?
And nowadays, like, your guess is as good as mine with any guy that comes on down the pike.
I don't even know what my point was.
My point was something about Karen.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, like, this idea that men had a secret meeting behind women's back.
You know what I mean?
And that's, like, a big thing in common now.
Everyone has to be careful.
Like, oh, yeah, we just want more female comedians.
Men didn't have a secret meeting behind women's back.
We're going to create first these unrealistic standards of beauty for women.
We don't even like boobs and butts.
Just don't let them know.
And then we're going to say they're not funny and we're going to try and pay them less.
But none of us are going to hire them and pay them less, increasing our profit margins by 30%.
We're just going to lie about it.
It just doesn't make any sense when you really get down to the numbers.
My favorite comedian, one of them of all time, is Kathleen Madigan.
Love her.
I think she's hilarious.
Super liberal.
Very funny.
And as a general rule, I don't find most female comics funny.
I'm just open in saying it.
Like, we don't need a quota of female comedians.
I argue this a lot of the time, because that's the big thing.
There aren't enough women in comedy, because you're guaranteeing equal outcomes.
Well, you know this.
When you start open mics, right?
Let's say an open mic night.
What is an open mic night?
Maybe you have 12 to 15 comics, would you say?
12 to 15, let's say, as a showcase.
Go up to 15 comics.
You might have one or two female comics, right, at an open mic night.
But then if you were to watch like Comedy Central and they have premium blend, they don't have that anymore, whatever their shows are, their showcase sets, and there's maybe four or five comics, at least two of them are women.
So they're actually overly represented from the talent pool from which you're drawing.
Why?
Because most women, generally speaking, don't go into stand-up comedy.
It's not that people haven't allowed them to.
As a general rule, you don't see as many of them.
So you're taken from a pool that's maybe a tenth, but then at the top, they're probably representative of maybe a third.
So really, there are more opportunities because there aren't enough female comedians.
And that's why a lot of mainstream female comedians aren't that funny because we need to fill the slots.
Am I totally off base there?
I'm not touching that.
You know what I've seen though is, and I know a lot of women argue that the open mics weren't very friendly to women, which I definitely think could definitely have been the case.
But we're definitely seeing, I think with people like Amy Schumer, who I think is hilarious, And like Natasha Leggero, there are a lot of women now, Chelsea Handler, who I think have made it more acceptable.
So in LA, I'm seeing a lot more women getting into comedy and a lot of hilarious women.
I think that's kind of like the Lady Gaga thing with Amy Schumer and...
Chelsea Handler, right?
Because if they come out...
And I actually think Amy Schumer can be pretty funny.
But if they come out, it's set your stopwatch.
You won't get to more than 30 seconds before it's I'm a dirty whore joke or I drink so much.
That's the whole act, right?
That's the entire act.
So it's kind of like, you know...
Like, fat chicks have to go fishing with dynamite.
You know what I mean?
It's kind of like Lady Gaga was really talented, but she only got noticed when she was really, really weird.
No one was talking about her when she was a jazz pianist and singer who was brilliant.
And then you have someone like, literally, I think Kathleen Madigan is a perfect example.
You could put up against any comedian in the history of ever, and she just doesn't get the recognition because she's not doing the dirty locker room humor.
She's just being a genuinely funny woman.
Yeah.
Instead of going, hey, I'm a woman who can be as dirty as a guy.
And so I feel like feminists, if they wanted to be upset about anything, would be like, well, why aren't these other comedians who aren't doing the I'm such a whore act?
They're not recognized even though they're funny.
I think it's an irony that's lost.
It's...
I don't know.
I mean, again, I look at a lot of women who I think identify with Chelsea and Amy, not necessarily their material, but I think feeling like these women say anything, and for a lot of times women have felt that they couldn't or it just wasn't appropriate for them to do it.
I don't know.
I mean, again, it's one of those things where, as I'm reminded, I'm a white guy, so I don't know...
I don't know what, you know, the female perspective is, so...
No, you don't, but you also don't know what it's like to get free coffee because you're attractive.
No, I certainly don't know that.
I had that argument with my wife.
I always pay for my coffee.
My wife goes, and I was like, you know what, you're right.
She goes, you don't...
I said, you know what, I don't know what it's like walking down, you know, homeless row here where we live.
As a guy, it's like, ah, there's a crackhead, you know, okay, cut a wide swath.
As a woman, it's terrifying, right?
Yeah.
So I acknowledge that.
I said, now, that being said, Sweetheart, can you acknowledge...
Sweetheart!
Sweetheart!
Dame to the moon!
I said, can you acknowledge that I'll never know what it's like to get free coffee by having a nice smile?
She's like, well, what they did to everyone?
I'm like, no, no, no.
Most people actually pay for coffee at Starbucks.
That's what you do.
You pay for it.
You don't.
Other people do.
She's like, I guess, okay.
And she totally acknowledges it.
It's like, no one's going to have the same experience.
Just don't condemn someone for getting a leg up in one area when you have one in another area.
Don't apologize for being a man, Matt.
That's what I'm saying.
Stand up, I think...
I don't know why.
If it's the audience's...
But females definitely seem to have a different experience.
And I think that that's one of the areas that I look at digital media and kind of these different areas that I think women have felt a lot more expressive and involved that I've seen is, you know, periscoping Vine, YouTube.
I think we're seeing a lot more creativity out of the women and a forum that...
You know, the traditional clubs.
Did I hiccup and burp?
Huh?
Did you see that?
I didn't hiccup, I burp.
Your patriarchy is showing.
It's interesting watching and seeing the comedy cellar.
You go down there and that used to be that kind of locker room ball busting thing.
And now you see a lot of girls in there busting balls as well.
That's a tough room to do clean though.
Oh, yeah.
That's a really, I mean, even I have some, I won't name names, but some comedians who are headliners who are involved with some of the top late night shows and they're like, yeah, I don't really do that room unless I know it's a, unless I know who's on.
It's a tough room because it's really like a rough room.
It's the New York, New York gym, the New York gym for comedy.
Yeah, exactly.
And it's tough to like going afterwards and be like, homework.
Yeah.
Yeah, right, right, right.
Okay, real quick, before I let you go, is there something coming?
I know Ninja Warrior's over.
It's coming back, right?
Ninja Warrior's coming back.
We're picked up for a season eight.
It looks like we're going to do a spinoff show on Esquire, a team Ninja Warrior.
I'm also on Hallmark Home and Family, their lifestyle show, so I'm on this Friday.
Is that a scripted show?
It's unscripted.
It's kind of like a Good Morning American Today show.
They're Fox and Friends, whatever.
Good Day LA. Just a lifestyle show, but it's honestly one of the most fun things I've done.
It's the Hallmark Channel.
Okay.
Very, very wholesome.
Very fun.
You know, a little for a lot of the hardcore comedy fans.
Is Dean Cain on there?
Dean Cain, I think, has been on there.
Well, he's had a movie.
Yeah, he's had like the Christmas movies.
Dean Cain on there.
Yeah, so anyone who's done a Hallmark movie has been on the show.
Candace Cameron Bure, Andy McDowell, you know, everyone from the 80s and 90s, Lori Loughlin, Jack Wagner, they all come on.
At first, I was thinking Lifetime, and I was like, you're going to be pushing abroad down a flight of stairs, but that's a different channel.
It's the opposite.
Every movie on there is like, you know, this wholesome family love.
There's never any burning bed or anything like that.
That's all Lifetime is.
It's like a lover's quarrel leads to dot dot dot when you're looking at the description.
You're like, let me guess.
Someone's cheating.
Yeah, as opposed to Hallmark, where it's always like, you know, the Christmas story.
She cut her hair to buy him a watch.
A watch chain.
He sold his watch to buy her hair clips.
Soundtrack by Brooks and Dunn.
Right.
It's like that.
Can I buy these shoes?
It's very wholesome, but honestly, it's a blast.
I love doing these shows.
Yeah, it sounds good.
I mean, listen, it sounds like you found your – and that's the kind of thing.
It's sort of funny.
What you're doing is counterculture, like not being edgy, not sort of being more neutral on the political social commentary.
I think I can get an idea as to where you're coming from.
That's like – it's uncommon now.
Well, I tried doing a roast, and I bombed.
Because I'm not comfortable being mean.
I feel awkward being mean.
With a roast, you have to sell it, and I bombed.
I'm not the edgy guy, and I love it.
Like I said, Jim Norton...
Bobby Kelly and Stanhope and these filthy guys who will talk about anything.
I love listening to it, but I can't pull it off.
Did you ever see Norm Macdonald's roast at Bob Saget?
No.
You didn't see it?
No.
Oh my gosh, you had to see it where he deliberately bombs.
So he's doing what you said, where he goes deliberately.
He's like, oh, you're coming out here.
You're saying that Bob Saget, and you're talking about him maybe not being the brightest guy.
People can say what they want about Bob.
I've known him for a long time, and the man's always had something on his mind.
A hat.
You know?
But some people say about my friend Bob Saget, folks, that he has the eyes of an eagle, and he can soar on the wings of a hawk.
Ladies and gentlemen, this man's for the birds.
So when were you thinking about Bob, you know?
It's funny, like, I remember before I got into comedy when I was in med school, there were two shows I went to.
One was at, uh, it's no, it was the Boston Comedy Club.
Yeah, right across from the cellar.
So I went there, and unbeknownst to me at the time, I figured it out later, I saw Jim Gaffigan, Dane Cook, and Dave Chappelle in a show.
And they destroyed.
Hilarious.
But the other show I saw was at Caroline's, and it was Norm MacDonald.
And at that point, I knew who Norm was.
But it was just one of those sets where he does things that literally two days ago my friends and I were still quoting to each other.
He did this thing about Star Search where he'd go, up next, kayak!
It's this thing that stuck with us.
And he doesn't really, though, like, if you watch it, he's not like a, gosh, a David Taylor, someone who will just slaughter a room.
He's not.
There's a lot of silence for long periods of time with Norm, and then he just catches you off guard.
And that's one thing, too.
You know, hacks?
Not that any of those people you mention are hacks, but I've been on the road with hacks.
And they're dangerous, because they can kill a room, and then someone who's really good.
Like, I've watched Norm not do well.
Yeah.
And I knew it was brilliant.
He used to have a bit...
And I watched when I was a kid.
I remember.
This is in Montreal.
He said, do you remember the one about the guy killing his family in the duffel bag?
Oh, you got me, Satan!
It's me, Bob!
How's it going, Bob?
That's one for you, Bob.
That's one for you.
It's like, I remember when I watched it, the audience didn't find it funny at all.
I got my wife's head in here.
Yeah, in a duffel bag.
And my kid chopped to pieces.
Oh, God.
That's one for you, Bob.
That's one for you.
Oh, so funny.
He has a bit about my dad.
He caught me smoking one time there at school.
And I thought the principal called him and he took me out of school.
I thought he was going to beat the tar out of me.
So I came home.
But he took out a cigar, a big old fat Cuban cigar.
And he sat me down and he said, Hey, what you're going to do there is you're going to smoke that entire cigar right in front of me.
So that's when I began primarily smoking cigars, you know?
And it's one of those things where either you like it or you don't.
Yeah.
Anyway, all right.
Now we've talked about it.
I feel like I judge guests by their Norm stories.
He really is.
He really is.
It's funny.
I think they've tried to find so many vehicles for his unique sense of...
It doesn't work.
It's hard.
It's hard.
And I think he's just best being Norm.
On Twitter, he'll start live-tweeting golf matches for hours on end.
And I still find it riveting because I just keep waiting for the joke.
And then it's like his favorite psalm.
And then it's like he gets into a fight with Vice Sports.
But he's...
I will say he's very...
Very smart.
And yeah, it's really, it's interesting when you look at it and you're like, you're thinking, is this kind of a work?
And you're like, no, I really think this is just how his unique quirky mind works.
It's fascinating.
Yeah, Jay Moore is a great podcast where he has some Norm story on there.
Yeah, Jay Moore is another one.
A great, great interview.
Yeah.
I think he's a better broadcaster than a comedian.
And I don't say I'm an insult because he's a good comedian.
But there are certain guys who you're just like – there are a lot of stand-up comics.
And I think you do it.
You're a good host.
There are a lot of stand-up comics who can't transfer to acting and certainly vice versa.
And there are some comics who are made out to be good hosts and some who aren't.
And I think Norm is a guy who just has a tough transfer.
He's just so good at comedy.
you could take like you could probably take Bill Burr's probably I would say pound for pound one of the best comics ever you probably couldn't host the way you could because it's just hard to put him in that scenario and he's charged go off yourself listen I'm not trying to be a dick It's not lost on me, okay?
I love watching him on Conan when he was talking about Caitlyn.
And again, when people got outraged at it, and you're like, he's really expressing...
You come back with a beard, everyone goes, oh my god, that's your face!
So anyway, as you were saying, Caitlyn, and you're like, I... I didn't just – I couldn't process that people saw that as that offensive.
Well, they got mad at him at the Donald Sterling – is it Donald Sterling, Gay Jared?
Sterling.
What was his name?
Donald Sterling.
Yeah, the Clippers owner?
Yeah.
Did you ever hear his bit on that?
He's like – So this guy came out, you know, and everyone's really mad, like, I get it, okay, racism's terrible.
Yeah.
But if you look at the shit that he said, it's not that bad for an 85-year-old black guy!
Like, there were no end bombs, nothing in there.
He didn't even have a problem with this broad hanging out with black guys.
He just didn't want to put it on Facebook.
Yeah.
What about Instagram?
I don't give up about Instagram!
You can sleep with them!
Don't put it on Facebook!
That's one of the things that I like about Bill is that he'll talk about something, you know, like making fun of moms or hitting a woman.
Taboo subjects.
But he'll make you laugh despite – and I think that's what great comics can do is I can completely disagree with what you're saying.
But it's so funny, I'll laugh anyway.
And when you see women laughing at Bill Burr, I'm like that's – I just think that's a testament to how funny it is.
And how much truth he's found in it.
If you change one thing, if he's an out-of-the-closet conservative, that tolerance level, there's none.
There's none, because it's assumed you're immediately a racist, homophobic bigot.
And even if you go back and you hear some of his interviews with ONA, Anthony was even talking about that, how even some comedians now who are known are just a little more gun-shy.
You can see it.
Yeah, he's just so funny, though.
Absolutely.
But about Canadians, we love them.
You know, I'm not saying there's some guys who get home, right?
To the casserole to start swinging, okay?
If we can all agree.
Can we also agree, like, not every ass-kicking just falls from the sky?
Even hockey's got a rule of two minutes for instigating.
Oh, God.
You know, again, those are topics where 99% of people are just not going to broach them anymore.
Yeah, I know.
And again, some people would argue that's better.
I just think that these are things that exist.
They're talking about things that exist.
And because we don't want them to exist in the world doesn't mean you shouldn't joke about them or talk about them.
I think that that's a way you continue to make people aware of it and encourage exchange.
I just think that we...
The world is a better place when there's a free exchange of information and you can talk about things and convince people and sell them on an idea instead of saying, you're wrong, go to your room.
Right.
Yeah, exactly.
And that's the ultimate problem.
Everyone is being sent to their room and there's not a whole lot of room left.
They're being sent to the room like your New York hotel there.
Isn't that just a perfect example of how much New York sucks?
Everyone always talks about the greatest city in the world.
Like, what?
When I lived there for two years, I hated it.
I lived here for four years, and I'm done.
I love coming back and spending a week here and catching up with friends and then leaving and going back to LA. Well, that hotel room, people are like, oh, that's small.
Oh, Matt, they must not be paying them well at NBC. It's like, no, no, that room's probably like $3.50 a night.
Yeah.
It's unreal.
When I was at Fox before I moved to New York, they used to put me up at the Muse, which is right...
It was actually right across from...
Ha!
When it used to be there.
Ha!
Comedy Club?
I don't remember that.
It didn't last very long.
That was the comedy club that Sarah Silverman claimed she was paid less for being a woman.
Did you ever hear that controversy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the booker was like, well, no, the other guy was scheduled and you came in for a guest set and I gave you cab fare.
Because you know how it works in New York.
You come in for a guest set, you're not paid at all.
But it was right across from there.
So it was a Muse Hotel.
And it was probably about the size of your room, but really nice.
And I remember finding – when I finally saw the bill for how much it cost, even at the corporate weight, I was like, are you kidding me?
Absurd.
It was absurd.
Absurd.
So I ended up getting an apartment from a lesbian who sold exercise DVDs.
And that was – Hold on.
Let me provide context.
I got an apartment from a lesbian.
I didn't flinch.
I'm like, yeah, that makes sense.
She had this thing.
If I say it, everyone's going to know it, so I won't say it.
But she was kind of like the Jillian Michaels sort of thing.
And what was uncomfortable was it was a sublease.
Because in New York, if you can get a sublease, that's ideal because of all the rent deals.
So she had rent control, so I got a good deal on it.
And I come back one time from the road, and the walls are just stacked with bags.
Like bags and like luggage.
And she's like, yeah.
Turns out she'd had a spat with her lesbian partner and was basically moving back in and didn't tell me.
And I was like, well, I've already paid for the last three months' rent.
And so we had a little bit of a tiff.
I was kind of squatting there.
I said, you know what?
I'm not leaving until you give me my money back.
And then when she gave me my money back, I left her a nice bottle of wine and chocolate because I assumed that lesbian fitness instructors like wine and chocolate.
It was a gross generalization and one that paid off because we're now still friends.
Aww.
There you go.
It has a happy ending.
I suspect domestic abuse in the lesbian household in the Hamptons.
This is a horrible way to end the interview.
Let's send this tape to his guys at NBC. I know, right?
How dare you, sir?
They're going to have a new policy.
No more podcasts, Matt.
Alright, where can people find you, Matt?
Twitter, at Matt Iseman.
Facebook, just Matt Iseman.
There's one wrestler named Matt Iseman in Oklahoma.
That's not me.
Is he like a professional wrestler or a collegiate wrestler?
Collegiate wrestler.
Oh my god.
I had a wrestler from Oklahoma State literally concussed me.
Just beat the hell out of me.
Really?
Yeah.
That's why I never wrestled.
Baseball, football, basketball.
Well, baseball has a high concussion rate too.
Yeah, I was a pitcher and I never took one off the noggin.
I took one off the forearm and stuff.
Well, you were the one hitting people on the noggin.
Yeah, I was.
How dare you.
Not intentionally.
I was just wild.
You were just not a good pitcher.
Not a good pitcher.
I went into medicine.
Not a good doctor.
So here I am hosting.
There you go.
Well, you're a good comedian.
You're a good host and you're doing well.
So if it doesn't work, you go back to being a doctor and you become a sponsor to the show.
There we go.
And we'll set up like a health sharing agreement for people who listen to the program because they just come in to get your autograph.
It'll be like Canada.
Yes, exactly.
And we'll set, well, in that case, we'll need to set up some death panels where you can gauge what treatment is worth their life at that point.
Matt Eisman, we have gone too long.
Thank you, sir, very much.
You're a strange animal.
Yes.
Oh, there you go.
Galwin reference.
Thank you so much for people watching here and go to these.
Well, hold on, hold on.
I'm going to hang up on you publicly and then I'm going to have to say thank you privately because then we have to do like, we have to do that, you know, otherwise I'm a jerk.
Anyway, click this thing in the video there.
Matt, point for them.
There you go.
He pointed.
Him and his ninja warrior.
You don't have huge hands for a big guy.
No.
Wait, wait, what does that mean?
Hey, subscribe by clicking my face or watch one of these videos next to me because...
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