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July 3, 2015 - Louder with Crowder
44:33
Andrew Klavan Uncut and Uncensored! | Louder With Crowder
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But what I think people are really offended by is this notion that we have to join in not seeing reality.
In not seeing reality.
I'm a woman now, you know?
I'm black.
Like Spider-Man!
Like Spider-Man.
It's like, I'm a spider.
Yeah, Spider-Man.
You're a Spider-Man.
Careful.
Fund of Scott.
This is his thing.
We're back.
So glad to have this next guest on with us.
We've had him on before, but we haven't had him on via Skype, so you can go to loudwithcredder.com if you're listening terrestrially to see his cute little punim, author of Werewolf Cop, Andrew Klavan.
Thanks for being on, sir.
It's a pleasure, sort of.
Yeah, I know.
Let's do away with the pleasantries here.
The social niceties, as it were.
They are not required.
It's miserable having to be on with you, Stephen.
This is as close as I get to Detroit, so it's very exciting for me.
Yeah, well, that's as close as any of us want to be to Detroit.
Hey, I love Detroit.
No.
Yes!
Great restaurants, great museums, all kinds of cool stuff.
If you survive, there's a lot of fun things to do while you're there.
What kind of restaurants do they have?
American Coney Island, Lafayette Coney Island.
The Hard Rock Cafe is a killer restaurant.
Slow's Barbecue is legendary.
Fundip, people want to hear what Andrew has to say.
Andrew, you need to come to Detroit and have some really fun time at all these great restaurants.
I'm on it, Fundip.
I'm on my way.
He rolls his eyes.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, listen, if you're not Muslim or Polish, you have no business being in Detroit.
As a matter of fact, I am a Polish Muslim, but that's...
Oh, I used to love them.
Oleski, we call them.
Yes, exactly.
That was a great band, though, the Polish Muslims.
Yeah, the Polish Muslims.
There are very few of you around, so I'm so glad that we have one.
So, Andrew, okay, I mean, it's one of those things.
You have so much that you've done.
I've talked about this before, like when I met Clint Eastwood the one time.
I think we talked about this.
Game Dropper.
Yeah, well, no, it's because, don't worry, I end up looking like an ass.
I didn't know what to say.
You know, I met him, and he turned and he said, you know, I'm Clint.
He actually said his name.
And I remember going, I mean, what do you say?
I loved you in every which way but loose?
You know, like, what do you pick?
Oh, Clint Howard, I loved you.
So it's kind of the same thing with Andrew Klavan.
You've done so much that it's tough to just sort of pick a topic.
So, I mean, you write a lot of fiction.
So let's talk about that because there aren't many conservatives, I guess, out there or who are as outspokenly conservative, more so in the creative realm, you know, in writing fiction.
Why do you think it's so dominated by leftists?
Well, there's a couple of reasons.
One, they blacklist us.
I mean, in Hollywood, it's just true, you know, that you can lose work like that for being an outspoken left winger.
I mean, people who have come out, people who simply came out and would not back Obama, which is not even that far to the left.
I mean, you can be pretty middle of the road and not back Obama.
Yeah.
You know, they lost work.
And if you're not John Boyd, if you're not Clint Eastwood, you know, you are going to pay a price.
So that means that people keep their heads down.
And that's a little less true in the fiction world, but it's still true in the fiction world.
I mean, the publishing industry is completely dominated by New York left-wing sensibilities.
And it's not that they're evil.
It's that they just see the world so much that way that they assume that you must be evil for disagreeing with them.
Do you get...
A little bit of a Jew pass?
No.
No?
No, it makes it worse.
Are you kidding?
First of all, it's even worse.
I mean, how bad is that?
That means everybody hates you.
And secondly, no.
I will tell you a story talking to one of the smartest people in publishing I know, one of my favorite women in publishing.
I once said to her, look, I think I can promote this book by getting on Sean Hannity.
And she said, who's that?
Oh, gosh.
Now, it's one thing to say I never watch Hannity.
It's one thing to say, you know, I don't like Hannity.
But who's that?
Really?
You know, I mean...
Yeah, usually you hear that for Crowder.
Yeah, he's probably that.
Crowder, not even that.
I mean...
Who?
What's that?
Is that some kind of a pond scum that hasn't been identified yet?
No, thanks, Pondip.
You're such a great backup.
So, Andrew, you're right.
You kind of touched on that.
I remember I was in a meeting, and people will say it's not true.
Generally, I think people have greater victim complexes than exist in reality.
I'll acknowledge that.
But I do think this is one of those cases.
I mean, I remember I was right there.
I mean, I've been with major agencies.
You name...
The top five agencies, I've been with two of them.
And I remember being in a meeting.
One more before you're screwed.
Before they catch on.
Yes, before they catch on.
I remember being in a meeting and they were talking about an Obama fundraiser.
It's funny that you mentioned that.
And someone said, yeah, there's this thing going on.
We can show you around and introduce you to the rest of the team.
And my manager was there.
So, you know, you have a manager and an agent because you need a bunch of redundancies in the entertainment industry.
And my manager goes, no, he's more likely to be at the Palin fundraiser.
And I'm not even a Palin fan.
And they just went, oh.
And we're sitting there going, I mean, everyone, there might have been 16 people in that room.
You know these meetings, right?
The glorified Michael Keaton sort of Batman table.
And not a single person thought, well, wait, hold on a second.
Maybe he doesn't agree with us.
It was just, that's the starting off point.
Yeah, I know.
And you walk in, you know, as a screenwriter, you walk into a room to sell material.
And the way these meetings all work is you have small talk.
You start off with small talk.
And during the Bush years, the small talk would...
We'd literally sit, you know, you'd come in with your material to sell, your script or your idea, your pitch, and they would start off like, is that Bush an idiot or what?
And because I'm a loudmouth, I would say, well, actually, I sort of support him.
And it was like, hey, don't let the door hit you on your way out.
I mean, you are not selling that script in that room.
And it's just, it is very, it's not a blacklist, it's a graylist.
I mean, let's put it that way.
Very few people will literally throw you out of the room, but it makes a difference.
There's just no question about it, you know.
A gray list has got to be tough on you because you don't sun well.
You get kind of ashy.
You know, I thought what you were going to say is that I can't keep my mouth shut.
And that's unfortunately close to the truth.
A lot of guys have perfected this thing where, you know, somebody will say, is Obama great or what?
And I'll just go like, ah, you know, I haven't got that thing.
I'm more like, you know, like, oh, my.
Right.
It's fun to hurry up and then we have to go to a break.
It's really hard to do that where you shut up about something that bothers you that much.
Right.
And where you let people assume that you have principles that you don't have, that you have the opposite of, you know?
Well, if it were easier to do that, we'd all be leftists.
Slaughter with Crotter.
We'll be right back with Andrew Klavan.
We are back with Andrew Klavan, author of Werewolf Cop and so much else.
Follow him on Twitter at Andrew Klavan.
Andrew, so I wanted to talk with you about this.
We were just talking about this when I was filling in for Dana's show.
Have you seen the complaints about Spider-Man and Stan Lee's response?
No, this is new.
What's the Spider-Man complaint?
Oh, you haven't seen this?
I've not heard this.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to sandbag you.
No, that's all right.
Let's hear it.
Is this going to hurt your career?
I can't believe Andrew Klavan wasn't in the know.
They complained that they picked the new Spider-Man, and I think he's an English white guy, right, Jared?
Yeah, just like the last one.
Just like the last one.
I liked the last one a lot.
I thought he did a great job, both of the last two films, with the whole Gwen story arc.
I thought were really good.
I actually...
Yes, but it's not important right now.
No, I like them, except I thought the Jamie Foxx character was a little weird.
Yeah, he was kind of annoying.
Why do they have to reboot the story every two years?
Because they need to maintain the rights.
Do we have to tell the same Spider-Man origin story every two years?
I did hear that the new one is not going to have the origin story.
They're going to dive right in with him already being set, which is good because I would have just shot myself if I had to see him.
The same origin story again.
Oh, we've changed it a little bit.
Now the spider walks up his left arm instead of his right.
Well, no, they're actually going to jump right in, Clavin.
I don't know if you heard.
They're jumping right in at the moment.
Peter Parker wins an ESPY for Lorena Bobbitt-ing his penis.
So that's how...
The Marleys were dead to begin with.
I'm hoping you made that up.
Yes, I did make that up.
So what's the complaint?
So the legitimate complaint was that Spider-Man is white and he's straight.
And I guess there are different sort of parallel universes where Spider-Man is Latino or he's biracial or it's insane that he's gay.
So they're mad about this.
The guy identifies as an insect, huh?
How more trans species can you get?
I mean, he doesn't even identify as an animal.
He identifies as an eight-legged creature.
An arachnid, exactly.
I mean, I just feel like I'm this eight-legged bug, you know?
So that's how I put it down on my voting registration.
Arachnid Americans.
Right.
Arachnid Americans.
You're absolutely right.
But the point that comes with this is Stanley's response, which was fantastic.
And I think he's just sort of gotten to that age where he doesn't care anymore because he just said, listen, you wouldn't make the Black Panther Swiss.
He said, okay, I don't see why you have to change something that already exists.
They are what they are.
He said, how about creating new characters?
And then he ended it with, hell, I'll do it myself.
That's great.
That's great.
It's gone down to the point where...
I don't know if you see this in Hollywood.
I definitely see it everywhere else in the United States.
Where we've run out of white guilt.
And I think it's like, you know, it started at an all-time high, you know, when you had like, remember the Titans, and everyone's thinking, great, this is a great film, we need this.
And obviously, you know, everyone should be allowed to play football on the same team, and these race riots are terrible.
And now we've, you know, now that, you know, slavery's been abolished, everyone has the right to vote.
People, you have a black president.
They're down to not only comic books, but that he's straight.
Yeah, I know.
This is like when Chris Rock complained.
He said black people aren't wealthy.
They're rich.
Oprah's rich, but she's not wealthy like Bill Gates.
And I thought, if that's what you're complaining about, stop complaining.
If your complaint is that you're not Bill Gates, stop complaining because you're doing fine.
Because Bill Gates is probably complaining that he's not the head of Apple.
That's right.
Yeah.
I think the narrative string on this story has just run out, you know?
I mean, look, you know...
Somewhere at the end of this...
At the end of the string of this story, there's some transgender cat just playing with it.
You know, I love the fact that every fourth guy named Mohammed is chasing somebody around with a scimitar, trying to cut his head off.
But that tells us nothing about the religion of Islam, right?
We can't make any generalization about Islam from that fact.
But one psychopath, one crazy racist psychopath shoots people in Charleston, and that tells us everything you need to know about America.
Every time a Muslim kills somebody, we hear, well, most Muslims are peaceful.
One psychopath, white psychopath, kills some black people, and suddenly I'm a bad guy?
I just think it's playing out.
Yeah, well, I think it's better.
Again, that's where you pull out your Jew pass.
Of course, you're a Christian now.
You're like, ah, you've got Jewish in me.
You know, I've been discriminated against.
Well, I got the Irish thing going on.
No mix!
Yeah, well, no one likes the Irish fun dip.
That's justified.
Or movies.
I'm screwed.
This conversation took a weird turn.
It looks so earnest.
What happened?
Yeah, I don't know.
No, I think you're right, Clavin, and I think it's gotten to a point, and I'm seeing a turn culturally with younger people, but not fiscally.
Socialism is fine.
But culturally they're going, gosh, I mean, we're limiting ourselves and our ability simply to speak on anything.
And I feel like this is sort of emblematic of the left with the Spider-Man issue.
You know, instead of creating new characters, they want to complain about one and hijack it.
And I think political correctness – you can correct me if I'm wrong because you're the expert here with fiction.
I think political correctness has really sort of kneecapped creativity to the point that leftists are for the first time having a hard time creating new stories.
Am I wrong?
No, no, you're not wrong.
I mean, you know, this werewolf cop, not to plug the book too much, but when I brought it out, it has a character in it, a main character, who is politically incorrect and who's always pointing out that this one only got her job because she's a Latina and women shouldn't be doing this.
He said he's a terrible sexist.
He's not the hero, but he has this loud mouth thing.
Everything he says is, you know, it just has enough truth in it where you can't quite dismiss it, you know?
So it's very annoying to people who are politically correct.
That character alone kept the book from selling overseas in Europe.
In Europe, the fact that that character existed was just an absolute, he's done.
Does he have a son-in-law named Meathead?
He's not even that bad, you know?
I mean, he's just like a little over the edge.
And that's coming here, too.
I mean, that is going to start coming here, too, if we don't stop it.
The only difference here is as long as we've got the First Amendment, until John Roberts decides it doesn't mean what it says it means, as long as we've got the First Amendment, you know, I think there can always be somebody who'll create a new publishing house, a new movie company, that makes the movies that no one else will make, and overrides those protests.
And if you When you do that, I think you win.
Because people are hungry for it.
They're hungry for it.
When you hear Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, say they won't play college campuses anymore because in Rock's phrase, they're too conservative.
What he meant was they're too leftist.
And they won't let them get past it.
George Carlin said this.
The daddy of them all said he wouldn't play college campuses.
I mean, look, we conservatives have said all along that leftism is fascism with a human face, but they didn't listen and now they're finding out.
I mean, what you also raise is a point that I think a lot of people miss.
And I've talked about this with Sargon of a cat and Milo Yiannopoulos over there in the UK, who's also super gay.
See, I was going to say what a good guy Milo is.
That's where I was going.
Yeah, no, he loves the V. He even always has to point it out.
Big fan of the wiener, that Milo.
What I think is Chris Rock doesn't realize he's now facing the monster that he has absolutely created.
That's right.
That's right.
None of them wants to grasp that nettle.
Nobody wants to say, like, oh, wait, this is us.
This is us censoring us.
Because guys like us, we don't care, obviously.
I mean, we wouldn't be talking to each other if we gave a rat, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, I always wonder why the feminists don't come after me more.
And I suddenly realize they know.
What are they going to do to me?
They're going to say, you're sexist.
Yes, I am.
That's true.
Let me hold the door for you.
Exactly.
And on your way out, please.
But, you know, I think that's the thing.
You know, the only people who can be censored here now are the people who care, whether you like them or not.
It's a good point.
I do think feminists might have some...
What they can do is get...
They're trying to get to your wife and have her take half.
That's what they're trying to do now.
It's like...
I mean, it's a tough sell.
Like, I was talking with my wife, and we've talked about this.
I've talked about sexism a lot on this program.
It's because you're a sexist.
I am sexist in a sense that I will never hit my wife.
What?
That's disgusting.
I know!
I treat her better than I treat any man.
And it's because she's a woman.
I mean, that's just sexism.
It's just on the positive side.
They want to be these cafeteria sexists, feminists, where they pick and they choose what they want.
And I talk about it a lot.
And it's a tough sell for a feminist...
Who's, you know, who's so unattractive that she has convinced herself a compliment is some kind of a microaggression to tell your beautiful wife or my beautiful wife that they should be ashamed to be with men who treat them like princesses.
It's a tough sell!
Yeah, I'm sure my wife is deeply ashamed of that.
My wife is just going to be ashamed to be with me.
Well, there is that.
I think we can all sides can unite on that.
Yes!
You're married to Fun Dip?
Why?!
What is wrong with you?
No, Clavin, I mean, listen, and you're right in there.
You're right in the belly of the beast as you do this.
You were talking about the Muslim thing.
Have you seen the polls that recently just came out on American Muslims?
25% think it's okay to kill Americans as long as – but only as long as it's in favor of jihad.
Right.
Not just randomly.
They're not going to randomly.
Oh, yeah.
It's not okay to kill them because you caught them on To Catch a Predator or something.
Let's give them a trial.
Oh, it's part of the jihad.
Oh, he drew a picture of Mohammed.
I also, you know, 50% on that poll were in favor of Sharia law.
51%.
And, you know, I think it's very important every time we mention Sharia law to say that it's an atrocity in and of itself.
I mean, the Western system of law is something, you know, remember those old pictures of like the ape evolving into the human being?
I mean, the Western system of law is at the very pinnacle of that process.
It's something that you had to come out of the swamps to get to that place and to hand that over in any area, as they sometimes do in France and in England, to Sharia, which is savage law, is despicable.
You are going to get letters, my friend.
I've been giving out your address for years.
Yes, I'm comparing Muslims to Australopithecuses on this subhuman chart.
Here's Stephen's address.
But is it Australopithecus bullseye?
Not Muslim.
Sharia.
Yeah, Sharia.
I get it, but it doesn't matter.
That's how it's going to be taken.
Okay, you know what?
We're going to end this for the radio side and keep you for the web exclusive.
Andrew Klavan.
Follow him on Twitter at Andrew Klavan Werewolf Cop.
Fantastic book.
If you are listening terrestrially, go to ladderwithcrowder.com for an extended uncut interview where he's incredibly profane and anti-Semitic.
We're off into uncharted territory.
Back with Andrew Klavan.
And you're off the air now, sir, so you don't need to worry about the FCC. Oh, boy.
Okay, so this is the f***ing podcast.
I can curse like Obama now.
I can start using racist terms like Obama.
Yeah.
Hey, that's great.
Yeah, you know, I think what happened is Barack Obama said, you know, he said, and then Biden said, that's a big deal.
So...
I'm not going to touch that joke.
Even off the air, I'm not touching that joke.
Oh, you know what?
Like, it's one of those things.
I was sitting there talking.
You know, I mean, Andrew, we talked about it.
I'm not really, like, a particularly profane guy.
I think that cussing tends to be a tool of the lazy, inherently, where, hey, that's why I use it so much.
Yeah, well, I mean, there's...
Slovenly, you know?
There are plenty of other indicators as to your laziness, fun dip, without the cussing coming out of your mouth.
But I do...
So I don't use it a lot, whereas my dad, like, he cusses so brilliantly.
It was used to punctuate a sentence where I'm going...
I mean, that's where language is a craft, you know?
But does he use the...
The French words...
The French cusses like your mom...
You were talking about how they cuss with things like Eucharist...
Yes.
Yes.
Chalice, tabernacle.
These are the worst.
We've talked about this, Andrew, haven't we?
Those are the worst cuss words in French.
No.
That's stupid.
It's hilarious.
Well, like in French Canadian, because, you know, it's the state denomination is Catholicism.
So, you know, I guess sort of blasphemy against the church is considered like using the Lord's name in vain.
So the worst word is tabernacle.
So, like, if you curse, you say, like, tabarnak!
Yes, yes, and you add it at the end of a phrase.
So it'll be like, you'd say, like, oh, ça marche pas, tabarnak!
That's the, like, you punctuate it.
And so then you have the influence on English Canadians, and Jared's gonna have the censor button raised, because my audience will be offended.
I'm like, okay, what's a language warning?
It's true, though, where you'll have English-speaking Canadians who will punctuate their sentence with a cuss word, so they'll be like, oh, the stupid soundboard's broken, f***!
And you're laughing, but Canadians don't even realize how silly it sounds.
Well, why don't they say the stupid soundboard's broken tabernacle?
I guess they have some level of pride to like...
They're trying to fit in.
They're trying to fit in.
They're bridging the multiculturalist gap.
We were talking about what?
Oh, the Islamic thing.
Yeah, the Sharia law is a gross abomination of anyone who...
if they want to be consistent in caring about human rights.
To me, that's one of the great sort of dichotomies of the left where I'm going, well, I mean, you hate Americans because they think that giving Bruce, Caitlyn Jenner, an ESPY is kind of silly.
I mean, that's the level of my hate.
I'm like, well, Caitlyn Jenner technically hasn't won anything.
It was Bruce.
Yeah, exactly.
And that enrages them.
But stoning a woman because she was raped, that's a culture.
Yeah, it's a cultural thing.
That's right.
See, I think what people are offended by now, or at least what I am offended by, what I think most of the conservatives I know, it's not, nobody cares what Bruce Jenner does with his body parts.
He can fling them out the car windows he drives down Main Street, as far as I'm concerned.
It's like, thank you, thank you.
Here's one for you.
Throwing them out like candy canes at a Santa parade.
Exactly.
Who cares?
But what I think people are really offended by is this notion that we have to join in not seeing reality.
In not seeing reality.
I'm a woman now.
I'm black.
Like Spider-Man.
It's like, I'm a spider.
Yeah, Spider-Man.
You're a spider, right?
Careful, Fund of Scott.
This is his thing.
My theory on the whole process is just accept people no matter how different they are, as long as they're not cutting people's heads off and, you know, blowing buildings up.
Well, I have almost the same philosophy.
I might just mock people relentlessly no matter how different they are.
Yeah, no, exactly.
I mean, my whole thing is with...
See, this is what happens.
We've gotten off on another tangent, and Fundip's going to...
Oh my gosh, this is Louder with Crowder, and we're off on a tangent.
I know.
My issue is this, Andrew, and I talk with Fundip about this.
People, if it is, I mean it is classified technically as a psychiatric disorder, medically.
So is my morbid obesity.
That's not classified as psychiatric.
That's classified as physical.
No, but I mean something in here is causing it.
Lack of self-respect?
Self-restraint?
I don't know.
Well, my point is this.
People who suffer from any kind of condition, let's call it, depression, social anxiety, schizophrenia, any of those, are generally the last people to recognize it.
Now, when we tell those people, hey, listen, you suffer from depression, let us help you, recognizing it and saying let's help you with steps A, B, and C is not hateful.
And the people who say, hey, you know what, I think, like Milo Yiannopoulos, I think this might be better treated through therapy and through counseling than a surgical procedure that comes with so many complications, you know, John Hopkins won't perform it.
My therapist said, I give up!
And said, don't bother coming.
I'm making an actual point here.
My point is that's not any more hateful than just saying, okay, you're a woman.
And so my problem is applying intent to someone saying, well, you know what?
The science is out.
Most of the science is in and you can't change your sex.
It's not hateful for someone to say, hey, well, let's try and help you with this.
Let me try and help you accept who you were born to be as opposed to just saying, well, let's accept all of it.
And you're told that one is hateful and one is loving and that's the narrative.
And that's what bothers me.
Well, that's the only way, when you have a narrative that is essentially false, and not everything the left says is false, but a lot of what they say is false.
If you have a narrative that is essentially false, the only way to sell it is by keeping the guy who's saying the emperor isn't wearing any clothes from saying the emperor isn't wearing any clothes.
And the only way to do that is to say, oh, that's a hateful thing to say.
To say that the emperor is naked, you know, just because he happens not to have a stitch of clothing on, that's hateful, that's evil.
And if you can intimidate people into saying that, then the emperor is dressed, you know?
You know, I identify as a dressed person, the emperor said, you know.
I never looked at it from that perspective.
Using a fable to connect it is helpful.
Well, that's how you become a fiction writer and throw your life away like this.
You bastard, you're wrecking my life!
And that's how Fundip...
The cards come crumbling down!
That's how Fundip looks at himself in the mirror completely naked and says, I'm clothed.
Actually, I'm not wearing anything right now.
That's amazing ink work, Fun Dip.
Yeah, yeah, this is a hell of a tattoo of Spider-Man on my chest.
This is true, of gay, biracial, Latino Spider-Man.
That's the new rule.
And this is something, Andrew, I think that there's a lot of headway to be made with people who aren't inherently conservative.
There is a rebound effect, I think, with the free speech issue.
And that's why I'm always interested to see as someone who works in writing specifically, which is, to me, I mean, it's the pinnacle of free speech.
In stand-up comedy, I think, you know, it's at the forefront of that.
What about reading the weather on the radio?
No, I don't think so much.
Comedy is where you push the boundaries.
There's no question about it.
Comedy is where people say things that are purposely out there and are kind of the thing.
Comedy exists sort of in that part of the brain that is thinking what you're not supposed to be thinking, which we all have, and you bring that out.
It's funny, but if you get stoned for it, it loses a little bit of it.
But if you get stoned first and then you go see the comic, that's better.
Then it's hilarious.
Then it's teaching Chong.
That's right.
Well, it's actually a perfect example.
Tommy Chong used to be so funny until he became such an activist for pot.
It was like, well, it's funny when you're doing it in an old Chevy and you're joking about it and the people watching it are stoned.
But once you start pushing for legislation, pot's not fun anymore.
Legislation isn't fun.
You know, since we're going off on tangents, it actually brings us back to the question of language, of four-letter words like tabernacle.
Was that it?
Yeah, that's the bad word, yeah.
No, I mean, this is really interesting.
I think Jerry Seinfeld said this, and I hope I'm not attributing it to the wrong person.
He said, if you curse and people laugh, you might be funny.
But if you don't curse and people laugh, you actually, you know you're funny.
And I've seen this a million times.
When you talk about saying the thing...
It's just out there that you're not supposed to say.
The easiest thing to say is a four-letter word, and then people laugh and they giggle because you've exposed that thing.
A harder thing to do is to bring out that idea that you're not supposed to be thinking, that politically incorrect or socially incorrect idea, and bring that out and expose people for it.
It's very funny.
And I think, you know, it's interesting.
I watch Louis C.K. It's fascinating to me that the guy, to me, he's 50-50.
50% of his material that's virtually clean is hilarious.
The minute he gets off on sex, it's not that I don't think he can be funny, but I still think he is.
Well, you know, it's funny you say that because we're actually going to have Jim Norton on, who's just a great guy overall.
And he's, I mean, as filthy as comedy gets, but he also doesn't use the F word as a crutch.
And I will say this.
I mean, Jerry Seinfeld is a great example.
A clean comic, but you have HuffPo writers rebutting him and protesting him.
And he's clean.
You know, they're not protesting Mark Maron.
They're not protesting Louis C.K. or these filthy comics.
They're protesting Jerry Seinfeld.
Just like I was banned from college multicultural affairs.
I mean, at this point, I didn't even say ass in my act.
It was as clean as humanly possible.
Yeah, but the miniskirt was just going to...
The miniskirt.
It made people uncomfortable, Grant.
It was the next Eddie Izzard.
Yeah, exactly.
But the issue...
So Jim Norton is actually a great example.
He's dirty, but he doesn't use cussing as a crutch.
And I say that because you see the same thing with hip-hop.
And I say this as a great fan of hip-hop.
But hip-hop is very much you're using language as an instrument, okay?
Okay.
And it's also mathematical in that, okay, here's this verse.
This verse needs to match in some kind of a sequence with syllables, right?
So I need eight syllables.
Well, gosh, I need to fill in one F word.
I need to fill in two F-ing or F-er.
I need four mother F-er.
That's what happens.
So it's a lot easier to go like, man, none of these verses work.
Motherfucker!
I got it!
I got this!
Grammy!
And I don't hear a lot of other people say it.
It comes to be lazy songwriting.
Of course it is.
I mean, you can tell the difference.
I mean, David Mamet, who is famous for using the F word, like, you know, he continues to spill these.
He does it with this beautiful poetry, and when he's on his game, it is really funny and intense, you know, and it's just like he's talking about the way men talk, you know, and that's great, you know, but you're right.
If you throw it in, it just loses everything.
I love how with David Mamet, everyone just thought he was sort of subversive and they thought he was cutting edge until he came out as a conservative and then everything he'd ever done was actually sexist.
It was terrible, you know?
I mean, the funny thing is, I mean, he was an anti-feminist from the start.
I think that was his way in.
That's what kind of opened his eyes to it.
I mean, he says it was like Jewish stuff and all this.
But if you go back to his place, his depictions of women, even I was sitting there going like, whoa, you know, that's stupid, you know?
Yeah.
Was this written in Iran?
Is Soraya M going to show up somewhere here?
Have you ever seen that movie?
Yeah, are you kidding?
Sure.
It's not a pleasant watch.
It's like a musical, you know?
I'm waiting for the musical to come out, you know?
I mean, it's funny.
Cyrus, the guy who made the film, is a good friend of mine.
And it's a beautiful movie, and it really is.
But right after it came out, I was sitting in a bar, and I looked over, and there he was, sitting next to me, kind of staring into his drink.
drink and I said, I said, let me guess, people don't want to go out on Saturday night and watch a woman get stoned to death.
After all, you have to remind people, movies are things you do on dates, you know, so whenever you write a movie, you have to sort of think to yourself, hey, honey, want to go see a movie about a woman being stoned to death?
Right.
Yeah, I don't know, can we see the one about the girl who never gets old, you know?
Yeah, I used to manage a movie theater and when we were showing the passion of the christ I never saw date couples coming in for it.
It was always large, like, church groups organized coming in.
And my...
The floors!
I've never seen so much Kleenex.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's because you've never been to a theater where Pee Wee Herman was caught.
Oh!
Oh, wow.
But yeah, do you say to your girlfriend, honey, you want to go watch the Son of God have his back ripped off?
Well, I do have an issue with that.
They ignore the happy ending.
Yeah, except he did it so fast.
It's funny, the first thing I said, I saw it alone.
I'm sitting in a packed theater.
I sit next to a stranger.
That resurrection scene is so quick, I actually turned to the guy when the lights came up and I said, you know, the book had a happy ending.
Yeah!
I put the ranch cheddar powder on my popcorn and I missed it.
Because, I mean, they rip the poor man to shreds and then it's like, bang, you know?
Mill is not a happy dude.
No, he's not.
Well, you bring up the popcorn, Stephen, and I'll tell you another thing about The Passion of the Christ.
That was the lowest sales for snacks out of any movie I ever showed there.
Was it really?
Nobody was buying snacks.
Nobody was going, I gotta get me a big bag of popcorn and a box of goobers to go in and watch that.
They went in, they didn't buy soda, they didn't buy anything.
That explains why they didn't make the sequel.
We're not selling popcorn here.
Yeah, and the sequel is just the happy part, and I don't think Will Gibson wants to do that.
I mean, you could always come back with Revelations.
That would make a hell of a movie.
You know, if anybody else, if any other subject had made that kind of money, there'd be a sequel every month.
I mean, talk about remaking Spider-Man.
If anything but a Christian movie had made that kind of profit, I mean, it cost $25 million.
It's made like a billion or something at this point.
Any other subject that would be like, can we make Jesus too?
Is there, you know...
This time, it's personal.
Yeah, exactly.
This time, Chris Hemsworth is Christ.
Chris, tell us about your workout routine for this.
I did a lot of carpentry, and then I tried to learn an American accent where I just exaggerated my words, and I suck at it.
It's because he's the most handsome human being on Earth.
No, that's John Barrowman.
John Barrowman.
Yeah.
Expect me to be helping fund it with that closet door any day now.
The thing that bothers me, and I talk about...
I think everybody's got one on a list, right?
Uh, no.
What's he talking about, Stephen?
I have no idea who he's talking about, Hugh Jackman.
I, uh...
No, my issue is this, and a lot of people, I mean, you work on set with enough actors, and I have too.
The steroid thing is so rampant, and nobody wants to talk about it.
And I go, okay, well, let me give you an idea.
Like, well, did you really think that this guy did steroids?
Okay.
Christian Bale couldn't do one push-up when he went from the Machinist to the Dark Knight.
And then he was 220 and lean.
As someone who's trained my entire life, who walks around at two and a quarter, who has a 54-year-old father who is in the top single-digit percentile of people in his age bracket for strength, I know what it takes.
Now, let me give you kind of the timeline.
Most people who are in Hollywood were drama geeks.
They were theater nerds, right?
And they decided they wanted to go to Hollywood and make it as creative types.
Only now you have to turn the drama geek into Superman.
So that requires a lot of chemical enhancement.
You have some exceptions, but these tend to not be the absolute best of the best athletes who are playing superheroes.
It's a stretch.
And when you see someone go, well, you know, I just started eating right and I put on 30 pounds of muscle in three months.
That's a lot of playing stage.
You're telling me that Chris Hemworth's testicles are the size of BB's.
Is that what you're talking about?
He's walking around with Simon Birchballs.
That's what I'm saying.
Well, not necessarily him, but yeah, I mean, even him, if you look at him, like, at his top weight, you know, he weighed about 210.
That's not that big.
And it's just, again, it's the whole sort of house of cards that is the entertainment industry.
And I saw, like, Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
Yes.
I remember laughing so hard, where they asked him point-blank about steroids.
But he actually is an athlete.
But he goes, well, you know...
He's not an actor.
He goes, I tried them once in college, and they weren't for me.
Yeah.
We didn't inhale.
Yeah, exactly.
Everyone goes through a second puberty when they're 44.
Well, he wasn't even that big in his pro wrestling days.
You know what I mean?
Like, all of a sudden, he's 40-something, and he puts on another 20 pounds of muscle.
I mean, you know how the human body ages.
Sorry, we got off on a tangent.
That's kind of what happens.
But my point is just, it's a fake industry, and then these people come out, and they want us to adopt their political views, I guess.
That is the funny thing about it, because it's supposed to be a fake.
To be better looking than us.
The women are more beautiful and men are heroic.
Get it.
Those are the stories we want to go see.
But why are we listening to them when they start talking about reality?
You know, you just think the reporter would say, thank you.
Like, fold up his notebook.
You just keep talking, Ben, and I'll be back when you start telling me.
Tell me, don't got Batman.
I'll come back.
Keep speaking, Mr.
Renner.
I got some stuff in Uganda I have to cover.
Occasionally you'll get somebody that is aware and is intelligent, that's an actor that does something really good with their life, and then they serve two terms, and then you're followed up by a bush.
I mean, actors are just...
Listen, I admire actors.
They are amazing.
What they do is amazing.
And you almost never see a bad performance in an American movie.
I don't know how much of that happens in the editing room, but it is an amazing thing that our movie actors are...
Have you not seen a Will Ferrell film?
They all suck.
No, no.
Have you seen his Hamlet?
It was heartbreaking.
It was heartbreaking.
For my money, no one does a better Hamlet than Farrell.
I think...
Wait, that's an omelet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fundip just hates him because he's part of that frat pack and he gets compared to Chris Farley a lot and it brings up bad memories.
All of those guys are annoying.
Oh, come on, Fundip.
Seriously?
You don't need to be so bitter.
Why?
If I'm not bitter, who's going to do it?
Somebody has to be the bitter guy.
Your wife.
Let her do it.
She's married to you.
Well, that would make anybody bitter, but she's just like all sweet all the time.
That's a serious problem.
She's got a character flaw.
So, Andrew, I'm trying to think of how we can right this ship.
I don't think there's a way to...
It's sinking.
It's sinking.
Wait, the ship of the show?
I forget.
What ship are you referring to?
The nation or the show?
That's the question.
You know, I guess I don't know.
I mean, I'm turning to Andrew Clayton.
Let me ask you this.
Okay, we talk about this, and I joke about it a lot.
But you're, you know, born Jewish, and you're a Christian.
You're a convert.
How much crap do you get for that?
Because they don't lose a lot of team players.
No, they don't lose a lot of team players.
You know, it's funny.
I get a certain amount of it.
In fact, somebody on my website called me a blithering idiot just the other day.
I wanted to say, like, I almost never blither.
What are you talking about?
An idiot, yes, but I never...
You know, I get it on my blog at PJ Media when I make Christian points.
I was very moved by the Charleston, the family of the Charleston victims coming out and forgiving the killer.
And I was talking about what a beautiful moment that was in a moment that reminds us of what The whole thing is supposed to be about, you know, that it actually is a different way of looking at the world in a way that was...
No one ever saw the world like that before, Christ, and I was talking about the beauty of that.
And that...
A couple of people showed up and said, you know, like, you stupid ex...
If you knew what suffering was, you wouldn't...
That's actually very kind, just like stupid ex-Jew, considering I'm not Jewish in any way, shape, or form, and I get called a Jew fag every day.
You know what?
Well, the second half.
You know where the anti-Semites seem to congregate?
You can explain this to me.
YouTube.
I do a lot of YouTube videos.
I did those on the culture and the revolting truth.
And you go down the line, and there's always three, this is hilarious, this is great, this is...
Jew!
It's always like the fourth or fifth guy, you know?
I can never figure out why...
I've never been able to figure out anti-Semitism anyway.
Every Jewish person I've ever met, aside from one guy who used to do a radio show that I had to produce, has been super, super nice.
Oh, they're delightful people.
I mean, I grew up among them.
But I don't understand why has the world...
Hated this one particular group.
Because they brought God into the world.
It's like they hate that.
Well, that is pretty annoying.
They're knocking on the door like a...
Because before that, it was all, you know, it was all leftists before.
That's a good point.
I really do believe that, actually.
I really do believe that the underlying hatred, even among Christian, even that Christian anti-Semitism, is the underlying hatred.
Which is pretty rare, to be fair.
Christian anti-Semitism.
Now it is.
Now it is, yes.
But for a thousand years it wasn't.
Like in the 40s?
No, it was bad.
Yeah, it was bad.
In Europe, it was bad.
No, I'll give you that.
The thing I love about Americans is Americans are not, American Christians are not anti-Semitic.
So they're always like, How come you guys are angry at us?
It's like, well, it was a thousand years before you.
I mean, listen, I like you guys, like you're good people, but could you stop being so damn Jew-y all the time?
I like the Jew, just not so Jew-y.
Not too much.
It's the best-looking women, too, though.
Hot women, especially in Israel.
Oh, my God.
God!
They have a name for them.
I can't remember.
It's a fruit that's prickly on the outside but soft on the inside.
And that's what they're supposed to represent Jewish women.
And I have to say, they are something else.
I do not appreciate your potty mouth.
Where did I go wrong?
Oh, come on.
We know your euphemism with your fruit and your insides.
I've read Songs of Solomon, sir.
I was getting a little hot there, I think.
I tell you what, that's a real statement because you've got Funnip on a screen in front of you.
Yeah, if you can get hot and flustered while I'm on the visual.
He's found his happy place.
That's it.
He has found his happy place.
Andrew, we could have you on forever, but the fact is we need to have you back on.
Please.
Before we say something that we're going to regret, what the fuck would we say?
Way, way, way past that point.
Yeah, I think we've kind of hit that point.
Okay, so where can people best find you?
Werewolf Cop, obviously.
Read it.
Buy it.
Please go on Amazon and get Werewolf Cop.
Go on, as you said, Andrew Klavan is my Twitter feed, and you can also go on andrewklavan.com and see all my links.
What formats is it available in?
Hardcover, softcover, Kindle, audiobook?
What do you got?
Hardcover, Kindle, and audiobook.
The paperback is not out yet.
Next audiobook, you should have me do it.
I did it.
I did it myself.
Oh, well, you can't be beaten there.
You know, we're going to end this on a positive note.
No, never.
And then you just do...
I'm sorry, Andrew.
I just...
Hey, I'm a whore.
I admit it.
You can't make it up to me.
I'm sorry.
I can't make it up to you.
I tell you what.
Hold your anti-Semitic comments for only the Jewish half of Andrew Klavan.
And hold all your anti-fat comments for Stephen's ass.
I feel so soiled from being here.
I know!
This is a terrible sign-off.
Fun dip, stop it.
Andrew Klavan on Twitter, Werewolf Cop.
Go buy it, and we'll have him back someday once he can clean himself from the stench of the show.
Fun Dip, do not say anything.
Ladder with Crowder.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
Ladder with Crowder.
I almost said Fun Dip, Dan.
Oh my God, you're ruining my life.
Ladder with Crowder.
We'll be right back.
Hey, if you like this interview with Andrew Klavan, there's something wrong with you, but you might enjoy these interviews with other guests, or I don't know what's playing.
Maybe it's a short web video.
Those are more easily digestible.
They're two minutes.
You don't need to think too much.
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