These National Celebrations Are Hilarious (And Totally Unnecessary) skewers America’s absurd holiday calendar—like August 9th’s National Veep Day honoring Gerald Ford, the unelected president, or September 25th’s Open the Magic Day, derailed by Biden-era book bans sparking arrests. It mocks trivial days (Chop Sui, Check Your Wipers) while critiquing misplaced priorities, from doctors golfing on National Grateful Patient Day to the straight edge movement’s National Edge Day. The episode questions how these holidays emerge, suggesting political or corporate influence, and ends by glorifying unsung heroes like housewives over frivolous observances. [Automatically generated summary]
All right, today we're going to celebrate celebrations.
Just about every day is some kind of national celebration day because we have no serious problems we have to deal with in this country.
We have to deal with just celebrating stuff.
Today, when I'm recording this, is it's both National Avocado Day and National Intern Day.
So if your intern is an avocado, you want to treat her politely.
And if your avocado is just an avocado, you probably just want to eat it.
Avocado!
But every day is something, so we're going to take a look at some of the most important days that shape your life here in this country we like to call America, because that's what it's called.
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August 9th.
August 9th is coming up.
That is National Veep Day.
You probably didn't know that.
I certainly didn't know it.
August 9th recognizes the succession plan of the President of the United States.
The day also acknowledges the one president who is neither elected vice president nor president, and that's Gerald Ford.
So that's a really historic day.
If I'm the president, do I want somebody celebrating what happens if I die?
No, no, no.
I don't think that's a good look.
I think I would just like to sort of forget.
It's just sleep through National Veep Day.
I don't think we want to go too deep into that while our president is obviously healthy as a horse.
August 29th, this is very important, absolutely important.
This is National Chop Sui Day.
August 29th is National Chop Sui Day, and we are recognizing an American Chinese culinary cuisine each year on August 29th.
Is chop suey really Chinese?
Chop sui even sounds like an Anglo person imitating a Chinese word.
I thought like real Chinese food was like, you know, bats or something like that.
But there's no National Bats Day.
Or for all I know, there is a National Bats Day, but that's not it.
This is Chop Sui Day when we eat bats with our chop sui.
All right, September 7th.
Get this one.
National Grateful Patient Day provides an opportunity to show appreciation for the hardworking professionals in the medical industry.
I can't make fun of that.
I think we should be nice, especially to nurses who do all the work and, you know, actually keep you alive while the doctor is sitting around going, if I do this, cut out this guy's kidney in a hurry, I can get to the golf course by three while the nurses are trying to, you know, like, keep the heart beating.
All right, September 25th is National, what?
National Open the Magic Day?
Every year on September 25th, teachers and parents worldwide read a picture book to celebrate National Open the Magic Day.
This national day celebrates read-alouds, picture books, the love of reading, and students who struggle to find their reading voice.
Now, nowadays, you want to be careful about this day because some of the stuff the teachers are sending around, you don't want to read it aloud because you get arrested for reading it aloud.
And when during the Biden administration, you got arrested for saying, don't read that aloud.
And you couldn't read it aloud because when people heard what you were saying, they didn't want you to get arrested.
They actually wanted the people who were giving it to get arrested.
So it was a very complicated day.
Let's move on.
September 28th is National Drink Beer Day.
I'll celebrate that.
Just as the Oktoberfest season comes to an end, the day reminds us to enjoy the world's most popular adult beverage.
That doesn't make any sense.
If it's September 28th and Oktoberfest is in October, then it celebrates the beginning of Oktoberfest, right?
This is the most popular adult beverage, not at my house.
But anyway, National Get Funky Day.
You got to be kidding me.
Isn't it October 5th?
Find your groove and get funky on October 5th for National Get.
Who the hell?
I'm sorry.
Who started that?
What does that even mean?
Does that mean like you don't shower?
What does it mean?
It's like, how do you celebrate Get Funky Day and whose idea was that?
And is it really a national day?
I have questions I want answered.
Is there, I mean, on National Get Funky Day, what do you do to celebrate that?
You have a Get Funky tree and sing Get Funky Carols?
October 17th?
National Edge Day Mystery00:02:38
This is unbelievable.
Are these real things?
Are these like declared?
National Edge Day on October 17th.
Now, this is one you're going to all want to celebrate.
This is very important.
I think for our national culture, the national life of our nation, as part of the straight edge movement, teens and young adults pledge to live a clean lifestyle.
Many who follow the movement and abstain from recreational sex and unhealthy food choices.
Now, that just shows you.
I thought it was the celebration of rulers.
I thought that was straight edge day.
I just thought it was like, you know, those plastic holes.
This is for people who don't want to have sex with a straight edge ruler.
I have no idea.
I'm sorry.
Please, please, someone airlift me out of this place.
God, it's like, is there a taxi you can take to move to another time?
Hey, would you take me to 1815, please?
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National Check Your Wipers Day00:03:59
Okay, but I'm happy to do that.
But how do you spell Claven?
It's K-L-A-V-A-N.
All right, here's one I can actually celebrate.
November 3rd is National Housewife's Day.
This, I actually celebrate.
Housewives are the best people in America.
They are, as far as I'm concerned, the only people in America who actually matter a damn because they make homes.
Thank you.
No, they ripped the door out.
The day honored, I did not know this is November 3rd, right?
The day honors the stay-at-home moms who take care of their children and the home.
It's a 24-7 job that sometimes does not get the thank you that is much deserved.
Sometimes, except in my house, in my house, it gets the thank you it deserves.
In my house, when our homemaker goes by, when my wife goes by, we all just fall to our knees and say salaam because we all appreciate it.
All housewives, homemakers, stay-at-home moms, they should be the top people in our country.
Seriously, seriously, that should be the first people recognized in our country.
There should be an award for them.
There should be dinners.
They should get like, you know, they give Oscars to people who pretend to be other people.
Like, I'm a police officer.
Hi, you know, like you get an Oscar for that.
You get like $250,000 a week for pretending to be a cop where cops are making like $60,000 a year, right?
For being a homemaker, you should just like every show should be, every award ceremony should be, we're just honoring homemakers again.
All right, that's how I feel.
All right, international check.
This is unbelievable.
International Check Your Wipers Day, November 16th.
So you want to go out and get your Check Your Wipers tree and sing your Check Your Wipers carols, which all just go...
Oh, God.
I'll never get through this.
Every Check Your Wipers Carol is the same song.
Who actually says, you know, Senator, Senator, I'd like to propose my, I move that November 16th will be National Check Your Wipers Day.
Somebody had to vote on this.
All right.
National, this is a serious one.
December 3rd is National Roof Over Your Head Day.
That was created as a day to be thankful for what you have, starting with your wipers, starting with the roof over your head.
There are many things that we have that we take for granted, and we do not stop to appreciate how fortunate we are to have wipers over your head.
National Winter Skin Relief Day, January 8th, as winter kicks into high gear, National Winter Skin Relief Day on January 8th reminds us of all the ways we can keep our skin from withering under the harshest of elements.
Who wants, I don't want to keep my skin from withering.
I want to be like the vampire in the last scene of the movie where the sun comes in and he just shrinks down.
I've always admired that trick.
One more.
I got to do one more of these.
March 15th.
Everything you think is wrong day.
This is true.
This day is in honor of Michael Knowles.
March 15th recognizes everything you think is wrong.
A day where decision-making should be avoided as your thoughts are, according to the founder of this holiday, wrong.
It's also a day created for some people to realize that they are not always right.
I don't have to celebrate this day, but it is, I call it Michael Knowles Day, where everything you think is wrong.
All right, I gotta stop.
I gotta stop there.
That is absolutely hilarious.
I'm so glad the people who make up National Days are here to, I hope people don't get paid for this.
Do people get paid for this?
Or is this, do politicians actually do this?
How do these days get named?
I want to know.
I want answers.
This is National Answers Day for your avocados and your interns who are probably the same person.