Hello, I'm Jared Taylor with American Renaissance.
The Virginia state government was, as the New York Times put it, all but paralyzed when its three top officials, all Democrats, were caught up in simultaneous scandals.
It started on February 1st when a photo from Governor Ralph Northam's page in his 1984 medical school yearbook came to light.
It showed someone in a Klan hood standing next to someone in blackface.
This was said to be a racist photo.
But racism is a state of mind, and photographs can't think.
The government apologized and crawled on his belly, but wasn't sure whether he was in blackface or in the Klan hood.
Now he claims he isn't either of those people, and has hired a firm of investigators to find out how the picture even got onto his page in the yearbook.
He did admit that years ago he put on blackface when he dressed up as Michael Jackson at a dance party.
Worse still, he confessed he did a moonwalk.
Since all this is unforgivable, even if it was 35 years ago, just about every big dog in the Democratic Party flared up in righteous indignation and told him to resign.
Usually, that would reduce any white man to jelly.
Went into hiding, but he said he wouldn't resign.
CNN heard that he thinks he can't resign because if he does, he'll be remembered as a racist for life.
So he's going to defy his party and do something more important.
Clear his name.
How? Well, on February 9, he came out of hiding and he gave an interview in which he said he would spend the rest of his three years as governor, guess what?
Fighting for racial equality.
As he explained, there are ongoing inequities to access to things like education, health care, mortgages, capital, entrepreneurship.
He's going to fight those inequities.
He said the blackface scandal, quote, really raised the level of awareness for racial issues in Virginia.
I guess he never thought about that stuff before.
And so we're ready to learn from our mistakes, he said.
Our mistakes?
Governor Northam hired a black-owned PR firm to help him through these troubled times.
The company's chairman was hoping to get advice from Al Sharpton, of course.
The governor told the Washington Post he's learning how to be a better white man by reading Roots by Alex Haley and, more ominously, The Case for Reparations by Ta-Nehisi Coates.
Reparations. Watch out, Virginia taxpayers.
Your governor is going to try to buy redemption and forgiveness by spending your money.
Every black in the country should pray that this guy stays in office.
How could this penitent, enslaved white man ever say no to anything blacks want?
He's the perfect toady.
Well, sure enough, 58% of black Virginians say they want him to stay.
They know a good thing when they see it.
Only 46% of whites want him to stay.
The payoff has already started.
Look at this headline.
Virginia legislators adopt tax package on fast route after racial equity shapes debate.
The story goes on to say the General Assembly adopted emergency legislation on Monday to bring tax relief to 2.5 million Virginians this year after African-American legislators reframed the debate.
Over race, revenues, and state spending priorities.
It's going to be a bad three years for white Virginia taxpayers.
Of course, there was more blackface comedy.
When the racist photo came to light, Virginia's Attorney General Mark Herring was one of the first to say that the wicked governor must go.
Four days later, he confessed that he had been harboring a dark secret.
He, too, had once blacked up his face.
Thirty-nine years ago, when he was a college student.
The shame of that moment has haunted me for decades, he said.
Unlike the governor, the attorney general was very savvy about fessing up.
He unbosomed himself in a session with the Black Legislative Caucus.
He cried.
Good move.
They cried.
Good sign.
And Mr. Herring made it clear that if the blacks in the statehouse said he should go, He would go.
Well, at this point, after they had a good cry together, it looks like he can stay.
Well, of course he can stay.
Yet another whipped, step-and-fetch-it white man in high office.
These are going to be great times to be a black state rep in Virginia.
And then, of course, there is Lieutenant Governor Justin Fairfax and his sex scandal.
When the racist photo came out, Justin Fairfax was getting ready to glide right into the governor's mansion.
And this added urgency to the calls for Governor Northam to resign, because it would mean a black governor, and that would be chocolate candy for Democrats.
But now there's a woman who claims Justin Fairfax forced her to give him oral sex, and another who claims he outright raped her.
As we know from the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearings, Democrats think that if a woman says a man did something, she can't be doubted.
And so now the really fierce calls for resignation are coming for the lieutenant governor.
There are even rumblings of impeachment.
But he says the women wanted it, so he's staying.
Some white people worry that if the black has to go but the two whites stay, blacks will be furious.
They shouldn't worry.
If Justin Fairfax resigns or is booted, the governor appoints his replacement.
The governor is dying to prove that he's a sycophant.
Of course he would appoint a black lieutenant governor.
Maybe Al Sharpton.
Maybe Ta-Nehisi Coates.
Actually, he would appoint whoever the black legislative caucus told him to.
Yet another victory for blacks.
But for now, the farce goes on with no clear end in sight.
Now, the reason for this confusion is that loonies don't have rules for how to handle this stuff.
They need a clear punishment matrix.
They need a predictable punishment for every possible violation of racial etiquette, whether it's blackface, using the N-word, comparing Michelle Obama to a monkey, being in an all-white country club, smiling at an Indian, etc.
The punishment must fit the crime.
Oral apology or written apology.
Oral apology with tears.
Tearful apology with wife standing by loyally if it's really bad.
Any of the above, plus sensitivity training or community service or counseling from Al Sharpton.
For the worst offenses, firing, resignation, banishment from society, hanging.
Punishments would be discounted by how long ago the offense took place, with a sharp discount for anything that happened before the offender's 18th birthday.
There'd be heavier punishments for Republicans and men, lighter punishments for Democrats and women.
The matrix for blacks would be really simple: just two offense categories and two punishments: apology required, apology not required.
With clear standards, we could have skipped all the silliness in Richmond: consult the matrix, apply punishment, farce, finished.
I'd be happy to work up a matrix if properly compensated.