Nov. 20, 2025 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:17:46
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes, my name. | |
| All day. | ||
| Let's work. | ||
| Yeah, let's run it back. | ||
| Part of it was rolling. | ||
| Adam Ray, my man. | ||
| Great to see you. | ||
| Guest of the year, Kill Tony. | ||
| How's it feel? | ||
| Feels great. | ||
| Did you get a belt or anything? | ||
| Some sort of a cup. | ||
| I should have. | ||
| Some sort of a cup, like a Stanley Cup. | ||
| Tony, always shortchanging the gifts. | ||
| That motherfucker. | ||
| That was the last time I saw you, I think. | ||
| You should get a jacket. | ||
| That's what it should be. | ||
| That's not a great idea. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| We made these for the end of the Phil, Dr. Phil tour, which, by the way, we have our very last one at the Wilton on December 16th, if anyone was. | ||
| Have you ever had Dr. Phil on as a guest? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes. | |
| Remember for the Netflix special? | ||
|
unidentified
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That's right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| We were in the green room. | ||
| I met him like an hour before, and he goes, he goes, no, it's your show, but I'm going to fuck with you. | ||
| And I'm dressed as him, and I go, well, I know you better than you know yourself, motherfucker, so scrap in. | ||
| And he was like, oh, shit. | ||
| And he was dying of laughing. | ||
| But the last time I saw you, I think I was Tony, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| At the mothership. | ||
| Yeah, the difference is like doing it on your show when you're doing the Dr. Phil show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a different thing. | ||
| I felt oddly, you know, the whole show is improvised. | ||
| So it's a wild thing to do an unscripted show with somebody you have no rapport with. | ||
| When I've had, and you're doing an impression of him. | ||
|
unidentified
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Totally. | |
| Totally. | ||
| So I'm trying to go, I think everything I'm going to do is hunky-dory with him, but like, I don't know if I'm going to press the wrong button. | ||
| Like, at one point, I think he said something where I go, I go, well, marriage is tough. | ||
| I go, but we keep it fresh in the bedroom, right? | ||
| And he goes, okay. | ||
| Well, you watch yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
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And I go, I was like, we don't use butt plugs. | |
| But he was such a, he rolled with everything, man. | ||
| He was good friends with his son. | ||
| Jordan? | ||
| Jay. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've got to know Jordan, who kind of helped facilitate the whole thing. | ||
| He kind of got on his ear and was like, this thing is pretty awesome, and it's making you. | ||
| Making both of them favorites. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And I'm just glad that, because you never know. | ||
| Like, I could have two days in gotten a letter that was just like, enough's enough. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| I actually ended the Netflix special with showing his signed contract to the camera being like, look, no cease and assist. | ||
| But, you know, you never know. | ||
| He's a really good guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And laughing at yourself is such a man. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, I started talking about this on stage where it's just like the people that I am friends with that like that aren't comics that I'll be in hangs with that like if I bust their balls and they get a little weird about it, it's like, oh man, like you're a bummer, not only for right now in the hang, but just this bleeds into other facets of your life. | ||
| You got to be being self-deprecating. | ||
| And, you know, within context, obviously, if someone's just, you know, just making fun of you, you know. | ||
| Just being mean. | ||
| Just being mean. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| There's a difference between me and mean and being funny. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| But like Tony, for example, like doing Tony on Kill Tony. | ||
| I remember I was in Portland or in Eugene at my buddy's club, Olson Run Comedy Club. | ||
| Shout out Great Club. | ||
| And I'm there and I tell the story about how Shane and I, the Biden Trump thing came together. | ||
| Because a buddy of mine asked me, he's like, you and Shane must have been best friends like 10 years ago. | ||
| We literally, that was probably the sixth time we've ever talked to each other. | ||
| So we're getting to know each other in full makeup for two plus hours. | ||
| That's a weird way to build a fucking friendship. | ||
| You guys are so good at bouncing off of crowds and off of each other. | ||
| It was seamless. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| There's something cool about jumping in the bit boat with somebody that's just like, oh, I just want to make the other person laugh. | ||
| Like, I got comfy because he's Shane. | ||
| He'd been nice about the Phil stuff, but like, you know, he was definitely established as Shane Gillis. | ||
| So it's like, and it's Trump and Biden's trying to find, I'm trying to find my ways to be a sniper when he's not known for being funny. | ||
| But as soon as I got out there and I had the frozen eyes and I was like, and Shane started to break, that made me feel really comfortable when Shane couldn't keep it together. | ||
| But somebody, this kid in line at the meet and greet goes, you should do Tony on Kill Tony because I tell the story of how Tony was like, Shane's going to do Trump. | ||
| You got to do Biden. | ||
| I bought a new vest. | ||
| It's going down, baby. | ||
| You know, I do all that. | ||
| And the guy's like, you should do Tony. | ||
| And I was like, I kind of scoffed it off. | ||
| And then I texted him and I said, what would you think about me dressing up as you? | ||
| And he just texted me back in all caps. | ||
|
unidentified
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Absolutely. | |
| It'll be your best character yet. | ||
| While we're doing this, unfortunately, people can't see anything. | ||
| So they just see us. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I want to show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Because it's so crazy how close you get to him. | ||
| It's kind of eerie. | ||
| Like, I didn't see it in you. | ||
| Your face structure changed. | ||
| Like, you look like a different person. | ||
| It was like you had become Tony. | ||
| Like, you do a weird thing when you do characters. | ||
| Like, you, you oddly become that person. | ||
| Like, give me some volume of this. | ||
|
unidentified
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Brand new episode. | |
| Oh, the beginning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Give it up for Tony. | ||
| It's good! | ||
| Who's ready for the best fucking night of their life? | ||
| Bro, it's like you've got a different face. | ||
| Yeah, you did something weird. | ||
| You did something weird. | ||
| Yeah, they taped my ears back a little bit to push his ears out. | ||
| And then the teeth are the same. | ||
| I just got the clothes. | ||
| The hair. | ||
| You look oddly like him. | ||
| Yeah, it's wild. | ||
| Less like you than him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would think that's more Tony Hinchcliffe doing an Adam Ray impersonation. | ||
| You know what's the best? | ||
| Is Woody Harrelson was there that night and comes up to me after and he's like, he's like, man, he's like, that shit was fucking crazy, man. | ||
| He's like, I don't know what was going on or what you had to do. | ||
| I was like, I watched the intro a bunch. | ||
| I've known Tony since we both started. | ||
| And he goes, you kind of got a little Johnny Depp going on with the thing. | ||
| So then I started going. | ||
| I go, Woody. | ||
| I go, maybe I am Joni Depp. | ||
| Maybe I'm Johnny playing Tony. | ||
| And then he was like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Bro, you should totally do that. | ||
| Johnny is the pirate. | ||
| That's not a bad idea. | ||
| It's a fucking great idea. | ||
| I just heard your accent. | ||
| Kill Tony. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| In full pirate guard? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes. | |
| Jack Sparrow. | ||
| Just come out, Jack Sparrow. | ||
| I'm a big fan of Horn's Kuhn. | ||
| Hons Kumo. | ||
|
unidentified
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Dude. | |
| That's a great idea. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| It has to be done. | ||
| Yeah, real understated, but really. | ||
| It's to be done. | ||
| Wow, okay. | ||
| That is your next big character. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| The Amber Heard jokes are endless. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Endless wealth. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I was just like, well, what sort of a pot could he pull from to kind of... | ||
| Oh, cocaine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| And maybe every time he likes somebody, he goes, I'm going to give you the Joni Depp bracelet of approval. | ||
| And he gives him like a bracelet. | ||
| It's a great idea. | ||
| Wow, Joe. | ||
| All right. | ||
| This is a perfect character for you. | ||
|
unidentified
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People have pitched me to do you should have a treasure chest filled with cocaine. | |
| Can we delete this on the podcast so we can save it? | ||
| No way. | ||
| A treasure chest filled with Coke. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Bring out a treasure chest filled with baby powder. | ||
| Just buy like 10 pounds of baby powder. | ||
| And just in between, instead of Heidi bringing out drinks, he brings me bags of Coke. | ||
| And I'm just blowing lines. | ||
| Fucking full treasure chest. | ||
| Oh, that's so funny, Joe. | ||
| Parrot, you know, paradise. | ||
| A real parrot? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Real parrot would probably freak out and have a hard time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We did. | ||
| I did just, so I tried this new character called Bruce Robbins at the comedy store. | ||
| He's like a mentalist magician, and it's going to drop on my YouTube in a couple weeks. | ||
| And I rented an owl for $1,200. | ||
| Harlan said he knew the type of owl. | ||
| Harlan was on the show, too. | ||
| A Eurasian, I think, owl. | ||
| He said it's the biggest owl. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| This thing was, so the whole bit was this character, Bruce Robbins, he's got like a big blonde coiff, big bug teeth. | ||
| Know, kind of from the South, talks like this real fast, you know. | ||
| And, you know, I'm a magician. | ||
| I'm a former real estate agent, too. | ||
| But, you know, magic is my healing power. | ||
| And so the bit was bringing out this owl that was like a psychic owl. | ||
| And so people would ask it questions, but I had my buddy who does a really good Morgan Freeman do voiceover. | ||
| So then I would hold the mic up to the owl's face. | ||
| And then you would play the Morgan Freeman. | ||
| So like somebody goes, you know, how many, or is somebody asked, is democracy, you know, is democracy ruined or are we going to save it in this country? | ||
| And we had a bunch of canned responses. | ||
| And so then I go, Archie, what do you think about Archie the psychic owl? | ||
| Is democracy going to be saved or ruined? | ||
| And then you just hear Morgan Freeman go, gay. | ||
| I go, thanks for it. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Any other questions we got? | ||
| But a real parrot for Johnny Depp would be wild. | ||
| Or maybe I don't think parrots would enjoy that. | ||
| It would probably be animal cruelty. | ||
| It probably would. | ||
| The large crowd of people screaming. | ||
| What's your creature? | ||
| Do you have any? | ||
| Has anyone brought what's the craziest thing someone's brought into the mothership for like a animal? | ||
| No one's ever brought an animal. | ||
| I was trying to think. | ||
| Pauli brings his dog sometimes, but he's got a sweet dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Ron's brought his dog a bunch of times. | ||
| Ron's got a cute little dog. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And I'm trying to think when we did a Dr. Phil at the mothership, we didn't have too many crazy people. | ||
| Have you ever worked with Liza? | ||
| Schleshnder, yeah. | ||
| We did a game show. | ||
| She made you hold her dog. | ||
| Used to make her all. | ||
| She'll just like give you a dog before she goes on stage. | ||
| Take my dog and be like, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And thank God it's always the people that love dogs. | ||
| I've held multiple dogs of hers over the years. | ||
| You know, because dogs die. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She gets a new one. | ||
| Bro, I got that new one with the scars around her nose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where she was one of those dogs that they're, I mean, who knows what the fuck they were going to do to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they had its facebound. | ||
| I think she got it from China. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, she did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I think she calls it like feng chu. | ||
| Something like dim sum. | ||
| Dim sum. | ||
| They might be close. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| She's racist. | ||
| Yeah, very racist. | ||
| Couldn't have gone with like Albert or Jill. | ||
| Bro, you ever been on Blue Sky? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Blue Sky is like the ultra super liberal Twitter for people like Twitter's filled with Nazis. | ||
| And they ran over to Blue Sky. | ||
| Some guy wrote, I'm just trying to be Zen about it. | ||
| And then someone under that wrote, how about try not to be racist against Asians? | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| For Zayn's. | ||
| For saying Zen. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's crazy. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| That was one of the wildest reaches I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Zen is a sacred. | ||
| Zen is one of the best words to describe being tranquil or serene, right? | ||
| Is another one. | ||
| Zen and the art of motorcycle repair. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Zen and the art of archery. | ||
| I was just talking about how my dogs are my like Zen happy place, which by the way. | ||
| Imagine thinking that saying that is racist. | ||
| Yeah, that's bananas. | ||
| But that's how crazy, this is like what you're dealing with with humans out there. | ||
| Some people are just off the reservation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You posted something recently, or maybe you said something on a pod about your love for Marshall. | ||
| And I wanted to bring this up because we're thinking about finally trying to have kids. | ||
| My wife's had to go through some stuff to get us in a place where it's all right on that front. | ||
| Satanic rituals, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Goat sacrifice. | ||
| Yes, goat sacrifice. | ||
| She did play some song recently that's that said it was some maybe an Ariana Grande or something song. | ||
| And I go, I go, are we sacrificing a lamb in the backyard? | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| It was just so, it made me feel so old because it was so just. | ||
| And I was like, I just don't, I don't know who this is, but we're getting close to having kids and we have two dogs. | ||
| And I'm like, I get emotional leaving the dogs, dude. | ||
| I mean, it's bad. | ||
| Like, and I don't even know how it's going to be with kids. | ||
| I mean, and you can probably attest to that. | ||
| When you're on the road. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have total leaving. | ||
| You can't even compare. | ||
| When I go on the road, I know someone's taking care of my dog and he's going to be great. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's a sweetheart. | ||
| He's great with everybody. | ||
| I never worry about him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Kids are a totally different. | ||
| Totally different beast. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You don't even, you can't even imagine how much you're going to love them. | ||
| It's just, it's, it changes you as a human being because then you start to realize that everybody was a baby. | ||
| And then most of these fucked up people in the world, they just got a bad deck of cards. | ||
| That's a great way to put it. | ||
| And they've just been handed a shit sandwich every fucking day of their lives. | ||
| Everybody's been you run into them and maybe you're lucky. | ||
| You had really nice parents. | ||
| You lived in a really nice neighborhood. | ||
| You had good friends. | ||
| You weren't in jail when you were 12. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And so it's just you have more compassion for the whole world when you have kids. | ||
| I could have been in jail when I was 12. | ||
| I put a firework in my neighbor's mailbox. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| That's not great. | ||
| What if you had like a fucking lottery check in there? | ||
| Oh, could you sue over that? | ||
| No, I guess there's no way to find it. | ||
| I'm just going to kill you. | ||
| Sue. | ||
| I'd rather go to jail. | ||
| The money's gone. | ||
| Dude, we did it with what do you have? | ||
| You don't have enough money to pay for the $100 million lottery game. | ||
| My single mom would have freaked the fuck out. | ||
| Imagine if they said no, you can't. | ||
| The lottery is the craziest scam. | ||
| It's so wild. | ||
| It's legalized gambling. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Everybody does it. | ||
| But you know what it is? | ||
| It could be you. | ||
| That's the slogan that makes people go, I never thought of it like that. | ||
| But it's the dumbest scam because you have millions of people trying to win. | ||
| Like at least in blackjack, you've got like a 40% chance of winning. | ||
| You know, you have like fucking no chance of winning. | ||
| You're just donating money, hoping that you're the one person out of five million. | ||
| Maybe even more. | ||
| Maybe more. | ||
| Sometimes the odds, I feel like, I've been in like the seven billions. | ||
| It's like there's a bit of. | ||
| Let's ask. | ||
| Let's find out how many people go. | ||
| Like, let's find a lottery, like a big one. | ||
| Like, what's a big one? | ||
| Colorado State, maybe. | ||
| What are the big ones that you hear in the news? | ||
| They get Powerball. | ||
| Okay, let's say Powerballs. | ||
| That's a huge one. | ||
| They nailed it with the title, too. | ||
| Let's guess here. | ||
| Let's say, let's find out how many people get paid out and how many people buy lottery tickets. | ||
| How many lottery tickets are sold? | ||
| Okay, let's put this into perplexity. | ||
| We have an AI sponsor that can give us information. | ||
| So it comes because I talk a lot of shit. | ||
| Sometimes I'm absolutely wrong. | ||
| So it's super important. | ||
| That is important. | ||
| To use perplexity. | ||
| It's crazy when you watch it work, too, because you put in a prompt. | ||
| Can you show how it's working? | ||
| You put in a prompt, and look, it just pulls out all those articles. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And then bam, that's a synopsis in seconds. | ||
| And a knowledge dropper. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| In seconds. | ||
| That's so crazy, dude. | ||
| I don't think we realize how nuts that is. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It's because, guess what? | ||
| Even if it was a couple seconds to compute and like process, you'd give it the time and space to figure that out. | ||
| So here it goes. | ||
| The largest Powerball drawing in U.S. history, November 7, 2022, a jackpot of $2.04 billion. | ||
| Over 100 million tickets were sold for a single major drawing as the jackpot approached the billion-dollar mark. | ||
| For instance, when the jackpot reached $1.1 billion in another high-profile drawing, America's bought more than 111 million tickets. | ||
| And similar or greater sales occurred for historical record draws like the 2.04 billion event. | ||
| So only one person gets paid? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Well, though, there's smaller jackpots? | ||
| Yeah, you can hit a few numbers and $20 million range. | ||
| Oh, though, there's smaller jackpots. | ||
| How many people get paid out, though? | ||
| Is it just one person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It depends. | |
| I think there could be multiple winners. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you would have a million bucks if you hit like all five numbers and not the powerball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right. | ||
| But that doesn't affect the jackpot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I guess if you're asking who gets paid out of the jackpot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a winner-take-all situation. | ||
| But if two people with three people or 10 people get it, it could split even. | ||
| So what if you go and get some of the numbers? | ||
| You get some money? | ||
| You can get some money. | ||
| If you get like one number, you can get like five bucks back. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They're just trying to keep you hooked. | ||
| They just try to keep you on the hook. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And if you get, like, let's say you get, so you've got to imagine that if you give them five bucks back, they probably bought 300 tickets at least. | ||
| So you won anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I was going to bring up this thing that happened. | ||
| I think it was in Texas. | ||
| Someone figured out the loophole of like, no, how many tickets can you buy and how fast can you buy them? | ||
| And they figured out a way to buy more tickets and they won. | ||
| They were profitable. | ||
| It is a numbers game. | ||
| It had to spend like $25 million or something, but they were like, well, is that legal? | ||
| That's where they've gotten into some issues now. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| Why isn't it legal if you're just buying a ticket? | ||
| Because you have a shitty system. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If your system sucks, and by the way, your system's been ripping off everybody forever. | ||
| Sounds like a personal problem. | ||
| And I jump in on that system and give you all this money. | ||
| I figured it out. | ||
| And I win money every fucking time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Maybe this is on you. | ||
| Maybe you don't like when you get scammed, motherfucker. | ||
| You've been scamming us for years. | ||
| When you sell 111 million tickets for one winner, you have 111 million to win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's banana. | ||
| Someone might not win and it goes on and it carries over. | ||
| I love the stories. | ||
| Bananas. | ||
| So bananas. | ||
| All right. | ||
| How's your schedule looking? | ||
| Feeling busy? | ||
| Got a lot on the horizon? | ||
| Well, yeah, it's that time of year when life gets crazy and demands more of your energy. | ||
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| It's happened a handful of times where like the guy or guy will win and then split it with someone that they like bought the ticket with or said they'd go Habsies on. | ||
| You know though there's got to be times where somebody did that and like you know because I think they usually publicize who won but there's got to be a way if you won like two mil to keep it kind of hush hush and then you know you and then the buddy's like man I can't believe we didn't win and you did win and you're like yeah I know fucking better look next year but like oh he's gonna kill you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So well and families I've families have been ripped apart These types of when they go public and name changes. | ||
| I mean, I've heard all sorts of, there was a documentary about the lottery from the same guy who did, I think it was Spellbound. | ||
| Do you ever see that? | ||
| About the script spelling bee? | ||
| They followed five kids around the country. | ||
| It's a brilliant documentary. | ||
| And it just goes to show you, I mean, they're all different walks of life kids. | ||
| And some are, you know, their parents are like spelling. | ||
| They're all pretty like, you know, serious about it, but some are very, I think there's a young Indian kid and his parents are like, yeah, spelling is life. | ||
| And then there's a young white girl and her parents are also very like disciplined about, you know, her being on top of this. | ||
| And then there's a young black girl and her mom is kind of like, if she's happy, she loves doing it. | ||
| I'm going to support her, you know, but it's all different walks of life. | ||
| And you follow them almost like best in show up until the big event. | ||
| And then it's the actual spelling bee, which is just, you know, so fucking hooked. | ||
| I mean, you've seen some of these on ESPN, right, over the years? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the pressure, though, is like what's wild. | ||
| Seeing a kid at that age deal with that type of pressure, like even though they love it, they're up on that stage. | ||
| Like, fuck, I remember I played the cowardly lion in fifth grade. | ||
| Yeah, I freaked the fuck out. | ||
| A, because I was a fat kid. | ||
| I was fucked. | ||
| My tits were falling out of the lion suit. | ||
| I asked for ice cream cake instead of courage when I got to Oz. | ||
| But like, these kids are having to, there's money on the line. | ||
| The parents have like dedicated, they've flown all across the country. | ||
| Like, anyway, but the guy did a doc about the lottery and how it's the pros and cons, but mostly about how it is like a big scam and stuff. | ||
| And it's, you know, just kind of a social experiment, really. | ||
| Well, it's definitely, it's definitely a way to keep people hooked. | ||
| It's a gambling thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's what's 100% a gambling thing. | ||
| And it's like very, very profitable for the government. | ||
| It is. | ||
| But the thing about it is nobody who wins ever gets happy. | ||
| It's not like everybody who wins. | ||
| More money money. | ||
| I don't want to say everybody who wins. | ||
| The vast majority of people who win go broke within a very short amount of time. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they blow through their money and they wind up getting robbed or something happens. | ||
| And like, it's, it's not like you've had an unsuccessful financial relationship with, you know, with money and with funds and, you know, being prudent with your expenses. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then all of a sudden you win the lottery and you're like, okay, great. | ||
| I'm an accountant. | ||
| I know how to handle this. | ||
| Most people are just like barely getting by. | ||
| And then they win the lottery and they've always been late on bills and now they're buying a Rolex. | ||
| You're going from zero to 60. | ||
| Yeah, you can't adjust. | ||
| This is the winner of that $2 billion. | ||
| Oh, look at him. | ||
| Wow, dude. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| This is a kid from L.A. Look how happy that motherfucker is. | ||
| You better run, son. | ||
| Run to Canada. | ||
| Run to Canada. | ||
| He's going to buy so much underarm. | ||
| Go somewhere where they don't know who you are. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Enjoy your life and lie. | ||
| Did you lie about where you got your money? | ||
| Say you got a business. | ||
| Say your dad died. | ||
| Went in on another. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Grandpa left you a lot of money. | ||
| He had gold coins from the war. | ||
| No one questions it. | ||
| No one questions old artifacts. | ||
| Yeah, don't say you won the lottery because then people don't think you deserve it. | ||
| So if you're Jeff Bezos, you made Amazon. | ||
| There's pictures of you in the fucking garage with an Amazon.com sign above your head. | ||
| The early days. | ||
| Yeah, the early days. | ||
| Like, you know, that guy built that fucking company. | ||
| So if he's out there balling, that kind of makes sense. | ||
| You know, you see Jeff Bezos as a giant yacht. | ||
| You're like, I'd have a yacht too if I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| I'd do that. | ||
| I would do the same thing. | ||
| So, but when you get the powerball and all of a sudden you got $2 billion. | ||
| Just like that, dude. | ||
| And by the way, it's not really $2 billion because it's $2 billion if you live to be like 1,000 years old. | ||
| But they pay you tax on it. | ||
| It's like $2 a week. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Or you can get all of it in once, in one sum, but it's never the same. | ||
| It's never the same amount. | ||
| They give you way less. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which is horseshit. | ||
| It is. | ||
| So if you want to get the $2 billion, it's probably like, what is the actual, let's find this out. | ||
| What's the actual payout schedule that you can accept either the payments where they just pay you like your, we got $2 billion coming your way. | ||
| Guaranteed. | ||
| Promise you. | ||
| Yeah, but we're going to give you a little every month. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| What did you do with the 111 million tickets you sold, motherfucker? | ||
| You sold 111 million tickets. | ||
| What'd you do with that money? | ||
| Where's that money? | ||
| How about give me all that? | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| 30-year annuity option. | ||
| 30 years. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They want to pay you for 30 years. | ||
| Would you take that or just take that? | ||
| Nice and slow. | ||
| That's the way we do it, see? | ||
| Nice and nice and slow. | ||
| It is that guy. | ||
| I gotta say this. | ||
| This says this option pays out the full advertised jackpot amount. | ||
| Oh, it's a different one? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Let me see if that's real. | ||
| By the way, that voice. | ||
| You were doing, that's for sure the head of the lottery. | ||
| Nice and slow. | ||
| A Mr. Burns Al Pacino tried to get away from the bottom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy going to pay him nice and slow. | |
| Oh, yeah, dude, in a Fila jumpsuit. | ||
| Some dude just stealing money. | ||
| He's got a fake Rolex on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Paying him nice and slow. | ||
| 30 years is crazy. | ||
| If you win the lottery and you're 60, bitch, you ain't got 30 years, especially with lottery money, that kind of cocaine. | ||
| You got to take it off. | ||
| Cocaine and Ferraris. | ||
| You got lottery money. | ||
| What do you think you're doing? | ||
| Because you, I mean, you're fine, but like, did you ever fantasize about that? | ||
| I think it's normal to be a person if you, as long as you've been aware of the lottery, I think everyone has had that conversation. | ||
| What would you do if you won the lottery? | ||
| I remember having that as a kid, and I remember telling my dad I was going to win the lottery just to fucking, you never have to work it. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| How did I even think to, but you just, you hear about it and you're like, the idea of just getting rich right away and then not having to do anything, I think is pretty common in this country, right? | ||
| Well, it's a wonderful idea. | ||
| Like, because everybody hates work. | ||
| Did you ever think about, though? | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| I played the lottery a bunch of times. | ||
| But like, did you fantasize the budget? | ||
| I don't remember how many times I played it. | ||
| Let me think of how many times. | ||
| You know, not a lot of times. | ||
| I think I've probably played it like all told in my life, like less than 10 times. | ||
| What did you write down or say to yourself? | ||
| I'm not like a vision port type of people. | ||
| But if you got like, let's say you did win like 500 mil and you were in your early 20s or something or even. | ||
| I thought you'd be broke. | ||
| If you're broke and ruined. | ||
| You would have gone through it all. | ||
| You wouldn't have gone through it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would be ruined. | |
| You wouldn't have put it away for the family. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I'd be doing a GoFundMe right now. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I'd be going on some sad tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People would be like, what about when you had all that money? | ||
| Fuck you, fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you, man. | ||
| You knew what I went through, man. | ||
| Joe's doing safaris and stand-up for animals. | ||
| I think winning the lottery is bad for you. | ||
| I know that sounds crazy because if you don't have any money and you want money and maybe not bad for everybody, but bad for me. | ||
| Let me say that. | ||
| I think if I won the lottery, it would be bad for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because I'm the type of dude who needs a thing to be working on. | ||
| I want to improve at stuff. | ||
| I drive towards things. | ||
| I'm trying to figure things out all the time. | ||
| That's a great point. | ||
| I'm all of a sudden not doing that. | ||
| Your drive is gone if you win the lottery, I think. | ||
| Especially at a young age. | ||
| Because if you're like, so let's go back to like when I was like 22. | ||
| I was 22. | ||
| I was working odd jobs while I was doing stand-up at night. | ||
| I was working for a private investigator. | ||
| Maybe I was making 20 bucks an hour. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| Did you really do that? | ||
| Yeah, I drove around a private investigator. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, he was a good friend for years. | ||
| Like, he died recently. | ||
| His name is Dave Dolan. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| I kept one of my old phones just because he left me a message. | ||
| He used to call himself Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan. | ||
| He was a hilarious guy. | ||
| The funniest guy that I've ever met there wasn't a comedian. | ||
| He was so funny. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| He was so funny. | ||
| And the crazy thing is what happened was he lost his license from drunk driving. | ||
| And he put in an ad for a private investigator's assistant. | ||
| But really, what it was is someone to drive him because he couldn't drive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because he was, you know, lost his license for like, I forget how long, like three months or something like that. | ||
| So I sign up for the job. | ||
| I meet him. | ||
| You know, this is back when I was still competing. | ||
| I was still fighting. | ||
| So he liked that I could like fuck people up if something went sideways. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so then we would go and most of it was insurance fraud. | ||
| It was mostly like catching people, like doing things like pretending their back was hurt. | ||
| Then you catch them carrying roof shingles up a ladder. | ||
| It was a lot of that. | ||
| People, they get hurt like working for an airline. | ||
| This one lady, oh, this was so sad because she let us into her house. | ||
| I felt so bad. | ||
| It was a scam. | ||
| And the scam was Dave would show up and say, ma'am, my girlfriend was in an accident. | ||
| And when the police took the license plate of the witness, someone spilled coffee on the report. | ||
| And it's confusing which letters are the last letters. | ||
| And one of them is yours. | ||
| We got these two. | ||
| They weren't right. | ||
| We're hoping it's you. | ||
| And they were like, what's wrong with your girlfriend? | ||
| And he goes, well, she's got this injury, which is exactly the same injury that this lady had, that she was supposedly getting, that she was, you know, disabled from. | ||
| And so she's like, oh, my God, I have the same thing. | ||
| And he goes, I hope you're getting paid. | ||
| And she goes, oh, yeah. | ||
| Not only am I getting paid by insurance, but I'm also working under my maiden name. | ||
| He's like, oh, that's great. | ||
| And she goes, would you like to come in in the house and have some coffee? | ||
| She was the nicest lady. | ||
| She had us in her house. | ||
| We were two strangers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Some fucking thick-looking Irish dude with a mustache. | ||
| That's Dave. | ||
| And me, like this 21-year-old kid with a fucking crew cut. | ||
| And you're just letting us into your house. | ||
| Giving us coffee. | ||
| I'm like, she's so nice, man. | ||
| We can't do that. | ||
| We got to pretend this didn't happen. | ||
| He's like, fuck her. | ||
| She goes. | ||
| Fucking thief. | ||
| That lady's a fucking thief. | ||
| Fuck her. | ||
| I was like, oh, I can't do this. | ||
| I only did it for a few months, but that's all he needed me for, really. | ||
| But we became friends. | ||
| What a life, dude. | ||
| Yeah, he was an interesting cat, man. | ||
| He was a fun one of the guys. | ||
| It was a guy who thought his girlfriend was cheating on him or wife. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| And so. | ||
| It feels like a lot of the cases they get hired for, right? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But mostly what Dave did was insurance stuff because they had the most amount of cases. | ||
| It was all about fighting. | ||
| It's just a numbers thing. | ||
| So this one was, I think my girl's cheating on me. | ||
| So he hires Dave to this, his wife was hooking up with this fucking barbarian, this dude who's this big old bodybuilder dude. | ||
| And he was just pounding her. | ||
| And Dave had to take pictures. | ||
| And then he brought the pictures. | ||
| Did you fucking brought the pictures to the guy? | ||
| And then the guy was like, well, keep following her. | ||
| He's like, fuck you. | ||
| He's like, I don't know what kind of tank you're into. | ||
| Like, is this like a, are you? | ||
| This should be enough. | ||
| No, it was almost like he was into it. | ||
| It was almost like they were playing a game, like a cuck game. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| It was, you know what I mean? | ||
| Maybe I'm cheating on you. | ||
| Maybe you should hire a private investigator and see the pictures. | ||
| The guy just like, the girl was, the lady was very hot, and he was very not hot. | ||
| And then there was this bodybuilder guy. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Dude, it is funny you say that. | ||
| My brain immediately went to if my wife was cheating on me, that would be the worst version. | ||
| Just a huge guy. | ||
| Because like if it's Shaq, you go, if we do get back together, there's no way. | ||
| Well, you're not, by the way, but like if you do, like you just, you can't go back in there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| I mean, I see Shaq now with like, when there's pictures of him next to his like, girls, he's dated. | ||
| I'm like, is that, that should be illegal. | ||
| But I guess, I don't know. | ||
| He's gentle. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How do you, how do you do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You got to ask him. | ||
| Have you had Shaq on? | ||
| No, I'd love to have him. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| He did Fear Factor with me. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, he co-hosted Fear Factor one day, one episode. | ||
| That would be an unbelievable conversation. | ||
| Yeah, it was like me and him hanging. | ||
| I had a joke. | ||
| It was like a six-year-old hanging out with his dad. | ||
| I had a joke about a lady guarding the White House because it was during the Obama administration. | ||
| A guy broke into the White House and they had a lady, an unarmed lady at the front door. | ||
| And I had this whole joke about not everybody can guard the White House. | ||
| And like, listen, I've met Shaquille O'Neal. | ||
| His dick is where my face is. | ||
| I'm like, if the White House is experiencing a shaq attack, I'm the wrong dude to save the world. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He's just going to run over me. | ||
| He's too big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that guy, when you're hanging out with him, you're like, okay, giants are real. | ||
| Like, there's real giants in this world. | ||
| Like, look at this. | ||
| Oh, he did it at uni, too. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it was fun. | ||
| But he's a fan of the show. | ||
| He was real cool. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I see him at the UFC all the time, too. | ||
| Imagine that guy got into MMA because he's a martial artist. | ||
| He practices there's some good video of him working out, like kicking pads and punching mitts and shit. | ||
| He's got technique. | ||
| Is it cool from your perspective when people like that jump into that art form? | ||
| Are you just like I love it? | ||
| No, I love it. | ||
| I want everybody to do it. | ||
| It's good for your brain. | ||
| No, don't do it because you want to be Billy Badass, but do it because it's like the best way of releasing aggression and making you a nice person. | ||
| It sounds crazy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| No, I missed it. | ||
| But like hitting something like a bag. | ||
| You don't have to hit a person. | ||
| Hit a heavy bag. | ||
| Just boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| You get all that shit out of your system. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at him next to Francis Ngano. | ||
| That's 4B UFC heavyweight champion Francis Ngano, who is a giant man standing next to Shaq and Shaq towers over him. | ||
| I mean, he's too big for the UFC. | ||
| If Shaq, if the UFC was around when Shaq... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He literally is physically too big. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Like the UFC has a 265-pound weight limit for the heavyweight division, which is kind of crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Heavyweight should be as big as you get. | ||
| It should be like, I think it should be like 225 and up. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think there's not enough weight classes, but that's a separate conversation. | ||
| But Shaq is way bigger than 265. | ||
| Yeah, 360. | ||
| He probably would have to cut 80 pounds to make the UFC's weight limit. | ||
| I think he was under three when he got in the league. | ||
| He was real slender, which is crazy to be that big and be that fast. | ||
| The fact that he did what he did in the NBA is really giant super athletes, which is like the difference between the NBA, the NFL, and then the UFC. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like the UFC doesn't get many guys like that. | ||
| Most of the super athletes, when they're kids, they go into football, they go into baseball, they go into basketball. | ||
| That's where the money is, you know, for a lot of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like way more, like there's way more spots probably for football players than there are for UFC. | ||
| Like, how many professional football players are there in the NFL? | ||
| I mean, there's 53 per team in the two teams. | ||
| Over a thousand. | ||
| Don't make me do math. | ||
| I'm stupid. | ||
| That's why we do this. | ||
| That's just that. | ||
| But there's also, there's practice squads. | ||
| There's another 12 or 15 on our practice squad. | ||
| Okay, let's put it into perplexity. | ||
| Find out how many overall players are employed by the NFL. | ||
| And then do it for NBA, MLB, badminton, tennis, cricket, croquet, Chinese sports. | ||
| And checkers, partisan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Uno tournaments. | ||
| I was just going to die. | ||
| Pyramid Billiards. | ||
| The number for the NFL could get way bigger because there's guys that are half retired and only play like three games a year. | ||
| Okay, so what do you, if you had a guest? | ||
| 53 times what there's 30. | ||
| Jamie knows a lot about staff. | ||
| There'd be probably 22,000. | ||
| 22,000. | ||
| No, no, no, not 20. | ||
| I was going to say 2,500 or 2,000. | ||
| 2,000 is probably a fair number. | ||
| And that's just NFL, correct? | ||
| And then you have XFL. | ||
| How many people are employed by the XFL? | ||
| Great question. | ||
| And baseball, there's a 53. | ||
| No, baseball's 53-man roster for baseball. | ||
| Baseball is way less like 25. | ||
| So for UFC, just the UFC, I think right now they have 600 fighters under contract. | ||
| Mick Maynard texted me about recently. | ||
| 1,700 players. | ||
| They're going to have to back the rosters and then another 400 who can move around. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So take it. | ||
| So that's NFL. | ||
| That's just NFL. | ||
| What a crap shit. | ||
| So it's essentially 2,000-ish. | ||
| About so. | ||
| 550 in the NBA. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And the draft each year is probably another, you had another 30 to 40. | ||
| Also, you have to take into account that a lot of kids, you play football in school. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So if you're going to play football, you play football in high school, play football in college. | ||
| And they go in early. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's a sport that everybody plays and it's normal to do. | ||
| Like everybody in the neighborhood plays. | ||
| If you play baseball, everybody in the neighborhood plays. | ||
| You play in middle school. | ||
| You play in high school. | ||
| MMA, you got to go to the gym. | ||
| You got to learn. | ||
| You got to get kicked in. | ||
| You're going to get kicked in the nuts more than once. | ||
| You're going to get punched in the face. | ||
| Your nose is going to be bloody. | ||
| You're going to have a headache. | ||
| You're going to have sore joints because people are trying to break your arms. | ||
| And then you're showing up at school every day going, what am I doing? | ||
| What the fuck am I doing? | ||
| So it's hard to get a kid that can also play basketball really well to decide I'm going to let someone kick my shins out from under me. | ||
| I don't know what kid would do that. | ||
| It's got to be a kid that only wants that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's got to be a kid that watches at the UFC. | ||
| Like Tiger Woods was golfing, what, at like two or three, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So not that you would be doing UFC or MMA at that age, but what is the? | ||
| But you would. | ||
| Because a lot of people who have sons and daughters that are really into it, they start training them. | ||
| A lot of these fighters train their kids at an early age. | ||
| I remember having like, you know, WrestleMania type, like, stuffed animals and wrestling with them at like five, six, seven, but it didn't obviously turn into a passion. | ||
| But like that, at least it was like at that age of like rough housing and throwing shit around and like trying to beat somebody up. | ||
| But I guess to take a shot to the dick as a kid, like, yeah, you got to be made of steel. | ||
| Well, I think generally it's either your parents encourage you to do it early and you do like traditional martial arts and you get kind of excited about it. | ||
| And then you start watching the UFC as you get older. | ||
| And then maybe you start doing some other stuff. | ||
| Like maybe you start out in jiu-jitsu and then you work your way to a little Muay Thai. | ||
| And then as you're like 13, 14, you probably start thinking, I think I want to fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what happens with a lot of these guys. | ||
| You're probably not taking shit in school, by the way. | ||
| Like if your teacher's like, Martin, I saw you weren't paying attention. | ||
| You're like, I'm bleeding out of my dick, lady. | ||
| You know, like you're just, you've seen, you've gone through some shit where you're like, this is not my biggest concern right now. | ||
| Well, it's definitely not your biggest concern, but it's also boring. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| When you do exciting things when you're young, you can't parse it out in your head and go, I know I have to do this boring thing because this is really important. | ||
| When you're doing this exciting thing, you're kicking people's heads off. | ||
| This is way more fun. | ||
| I don't care about history. | ||
| Did you play baseball? | ||
| Played baseball. | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| What position? | ||
| I wasn't very good. | ||
| So I was an outfielder. | ||
| But one thing I did do is I either hit home runs or I struck out. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Because I would never just try to get on base. | ||
| The coach would always say, just try to get on base. | ||
| I'd be like, right. | ||
| I just fucking get on that. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I hated team sports. | ||
| I was not a good team player in that regard. | ||
| Because, I mean, I was good in that I tried to catch balls and I tried to make that. | ||
| I bet you were a fun teammate, though, right? | ||
| You were the jokester. | ||
| But I was also like, I am going to hit the fuck out of this ball. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Because I hit my first home run, I think, when I was like 12 or something like that. | ||
| And I was like, oh, this is way better. | ||
| I was like, this is way better than just hitting a ball. | ||
| Because as you get bigger and stronger, and you get a little bit more coordinated and you feel what it's like to really fucking connect and get your body into that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But that really translated into martial arts, too. | ||
| Because learning how to hit things hard, I think it helped that I learned how to hit a baseball hard. | ||
| Is there a correlation with like the torque and the lower half and the twisting? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| Because when you're hitting a baseball, like I was never a great baseball player. | ||
| Okay, I was just a kid who knew how to hit a ball hard. | ||
| Still, I wasn't a good baseball player. | ||
| Hand-eye coordination. | ||
| But there was a thing about this, about this timing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like that, that translated directly into kicking things, like directly. | ||
| So I think learning that at an early age, I was like, oh, it's like a body, it's a timing thing, but it's like a whip of your body. | ||
| And that's the exact same thing with kicking. | ||
| My buddy, I'm actually wearing his hoodie, Cal Raleigh. | ||
| His nickname is the big dumper. | ||
| And he had, he just lost the MVP to Aaron Judge by like four votes. | ||
| But he had, and it was a big dispute and big debate because he's a switch-hitting catcher. | ||
| He's a catcher. | ||
| He hit 60 home runs this year. | ||
| The most by any catcher ever. | ||
| The most by any switch-hitting catcher, switch-hitting player. | ||
| He broke, he just broke so many records. | ||
| Aaron Judge ultimately won the MVP because statistically he was outrageous in so many categories, but it was a big debate. | ||
| I'm biased. | ||
| Cal's the man. | ||
| But also, you know, a catcher is handling so much more during the game. | ||
| Aaron Judge played the outfield, and then Aaron Judge looks like if 4Loco grew into a person. | ||
| Cal Raleigh is like you want to have a Bud Light with. | ||
| He's a fucking everyman. | ||
| He won the home run derby. | ||
| His dad, who was his high school baseball coach, was throwing pitches to him during. | ||
| It was a better story for baseball, but I actually want to get your opinion on this. | ||
| If you are going, because I think the writers were just like, stats. | ||
| Like Cal batted like 246. | ||
| Judge was like 380-something, I think, to end the year. | ||
| But again, Cal like broke all these records and for a catcher and like made baseball cool and like put, you know, gave a position a lot more love. | ||
| And he's calling the whole game. | ||
| He has to know the whole pitching staff. | ||
| He comes in early. | ||
| He's catching the game, which is why it's unheard of for a catcher to be that offensively, you know, powerful. | ||
| But he ultimately lost and a lot of people were bummed out about it. | ||
| And I guess my question to you is, if you were one of those, like, if you're assessing stuff like that, do you take into account like, you know, what someone's impact for the game is? | ||
| Or would you just go like, no, no, who had the best stats? | ||
| And that's the MVP. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good conversation. | ||
| It's a good conversation. | ||
| Do you follow baseball enough to fuck with that? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Let's move on. | ||
| But objectively, I would say go with the best stats. | ||
| The guy who's played the best. | ||
| That's the most valuable player. | ||
| But a switch-hitting catcher. | ||
| Fuck, it's a very valuable thing. | ||
| It's just not the most valuable thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what they gave a lot of credit to is like judges in New York on the Yankees, and they get so much press and so much love. | ||
| And Seattle's up here in the corner, right, furthest away. | ||
| Like, everyone's just like, isn't that the fucking coffee sound garden place? | ||
| And it's like, there's a catcher up there. | ||
| I mean, yeah, I don't know. | ||
| That stuff, I think, does matter the national attention, but I don't know. | ||
| There was a guy that was a really good baseball player that became a martial artist and had a wicked right hand. | ||
| This Japanese guy, Takanori Gomei. | ||
| Great name. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This dude, he was a pitcher. | ||
| Played martial arts and played baseball. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a pitcher. | ||
| And that's how he started off. | ||
| And he just had a whip to his right hand. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| And you think about how fast a pitcher moves his body. | ||
| And I'm sure you've seen that one where, what's the dude's name that killed the bird? | ||
| Oh, Randy Johnson. | ||
| Bro, that's a former Mariner. | ||
| That clip is amazing. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's like once in a billion. | ||
| It's very sad, but it's a once in a billion thing. | ||
| Once in a trillion. | ||
| Joe, the timing of that. | ||
| First of all, birds fly through stadiums every now and then. | ||
| And also, you have the fastest throwing pitcher, arguably, in the history of the game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| At his peak. | ||
| SP. | ||
| Throwing, I think, 100. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| And he hits that bird square. | ||
| Do you think that bird, I mean, I don't know. | ||
| Do they have thoughts? | ||
| He has a little fucking stupid brain. | ||
| Look at the seeds. | ||
| Fuck that badge. | ||
| Look at her seeds. | ||
| Fuck that bird. | ||
| That bird existed for that moment. | ||
| It did. | ||
| The universe wanted us to see it. | ||
| The bird was virtually pulverized and killed instantly. | ||
| Famously, Johnson was sued by PETA for the obvious freak accident. | ||
| Sued? | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Not insane. | ||
| And look at this. | ||
| Johnson resents the way he's remembered as the bird killer. | ||
| Randy, you got to let it go. | ||
| His nickname was the big unit when he was in Seattle. | ||
| Yeah, no, I remember that guy. | ||
| Dude, that's wild. | ||
| And then there's the famous, if we're talking bird accidents, Fabio on the roller coaster. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| No, what happened with Fabio? | ||
| On the roller coaster, opened by a bird. | ||
| Oh, man, this is unbelievable. | ||
| He's opening a roller coaster at some theme park. | ||
| I want to say Great America. | ||
| And he's on the beginning and he's like, hello, Fabio here. | ||
| I can't wait to ride the roller coaster. | ||
| And, oh, man. | ||
| And somewhere in the journey, a bird flies out of nowhere and breaks his fucking nose, dude. | ||
| Yep, boom. | ||
| Feathers and all. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So everyone's like, what happened? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he goes on ABC to talk about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A goose. | |
| It was a goose. | ||
| He's look. | ||
| Goose are big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, I can't believe it's not butter, but I can believe that bird had a vengeance against my face. | |
| He was the butter guy, remember? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| He was the romance novel guy, too, right? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| What a life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wild. | |
| Chicks like reading their porn. | ||
| You know that? | ||
| Great premise. | ||
| It was true. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It is true. | ||
| Like, guys like that. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, girls have always been into erotic literature. | ||
| And some of it's like, you remember the 50 Shades of Gray stuff? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That was like... | ||
| All of a sudden, ladies wanted to get spit on and choked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| What's happening? | ||
| My friends would tell me these stories. | ||
| Like, she told me to spit in her mouth. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Did you do it? | ||
| I know my stepdad was like, your mom wants me to push her against the drywall. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| This is an insane cat, George. | ||
| It was real weird for a while. | ||
| But then it kind of died off and went back into the shadows. | ||
| But romance novels, like pornographic, romance novels, but they're not pornographic like visually. | ||
| Even like the way they depict sex is like a feminine way of doing it. | ||
| But 50 Shades of Gray, I think, was that was graphic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck was that all about, ladies? | |
| Who are you hiding? | ||
| And then there was the Twilight one. | ||
| You want a vampire that loves you? | ||
| I'll never understand that. | ||
| Yeah, I'll never understand that. | ||
| You want some dude who kills people. | ||
| I guess it's not that bad. | ||
| He sucks their blood. | ||
| He's been around for 1,700 years. | ||
| You're only 16. | ||
| The whole relationship is disgusting. | ||
| This is disgusting. | ||
| You're 1,000 years old. | ||
| That's a weird 16-year-old girlfriend. | ||
| No. | ||
| What do you talk about? | ||
| Also, the werewolves and like the, yeah, just having. | ||
| He was alive when Cleopatra was here, and he's talking to a fucking 17-year-old. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| Would you judge someone more that was into vampires or feet? | ||
| Vampires for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Feet's not that weird. | ||
| It's not that weird. | ||
| It's kind of, you know, they're cute. | ||
| They look good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You could justify feet. | ||
| It makes sense, I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The vampire one is nuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, how old was the vampire in Twilight? | ||
| He wasn't that old. | ||
| They were high school, maybe, right? | ||
| No, but he wasn't that old. | ||
| Like I was saying, he's alive from Cleopatra. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| He's really probably only supposed to be a couple hundred years old. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Is that the case? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I never saw it. | |
| I thought you were supposed to be real old, though. | ||
| At least 100. | ||
| Imagine a 100-year-old guy pretending he's got to pretend and hang out in high school. | ||
| That's how he fits in. | ||
| That's how he fits in. | ||
| 100-year-old guy's going to force himself to go to high school. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| 104. | ||
| 104. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| In high school. | ||
| By the way, hanging out. | ||
| Yeah, he didn't. | ||
| He's even handsome as fat. | ||
| Handsome as fuck, dude. | ||
| But super pale. | ||
| Something was up. | ||
| Well, you're in Seattle. | ||
| You can get away with it. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I went to the, I think it was opening night of Twilight when I did this movie, The Heat. | ||
| It was after Bridesmaids, Paul Feek did this movie called The Heat with Sandra Bullock and Lewis McCarthy. | ||
| It's like a big, you know, buddy cop, and I played one of the bad guys. | ||
| First big movie, Summer Blockbuster. | ||
| I'm like, I heard the trailer was being played during Twilight. | ||
| And I was like, never see myself in a trailer. | ||
| So my buddy's like, we got to go to fucking. | ||
| It was like they're playing the R-rated trailer, the red trailer. | ||
| So we go to Twilight. | ||
| I'm like opening night at the Arclight in Hollywood, R.I.P. And it's just all like, what, I don't know, 10 to 16-year-old girls, the whole theater, and then just me and my buddy just baked out of our minds, like very out of place. | ||
| And everything's coming on. | ||
| They're like announcing all the cast. | ||
| All the girls are going nuts. | ||
| But by the way, they didn't play the trailer at all. | ||
| So we're sitting there and he's like. | ||
| I'm like, all right, let's get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I don't want to wilt. | ||
| He's like, well, we're here. | ||
| We should watch. | ||
| I'm like, best of luck. | ||
| And I bounce. | ||
| So I've never seen it. | ||
| Any of the Twilight movies. | ||
| They're not terrible. | ||
| They're not. | ||
| They're not terrible, but they're odd. | ||
| And I don't necessarily think they're made for boys. | ||
| I think it's a weird lady fantasy. | ||
| It is. | ||
| No, it's for the girls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's our equivalent? | ||
| It's a weird lady fantasy. | ||
| But it's very odd that there's a vampire movie that's specifically for ladies. | ||
| You know what our equivalent is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Weird science. | ||
| The show? | ||
| No, the movie. | ||
| Weird Science. | ||
| Remember when the two guys make the woman on their computer? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| Anthony Michael Hall. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| Jamie? | ||
| Who was that lady? | ||
| Jamie, pull up the whole movie. | ||
| Let's watch the whole movie. | ||
| That lady was very beautiful. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| Kelly LeBrock. | ||
| Kelly LeBrock. | ||
| British, I think. | ||
| She was, yeah, she was the super hottie back in the day. | ||
| That was one of the lab. | ||
| Bro, that was one of the first movies I remember seeing being like, okay, what is this dick really for? | ||
| Weird science. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, not Anthony Michael Hall. | ||
| Oh, wait, no, that's a remix. | ||
| Yeah, Anthony Michael Hall was the first movie he showed. | ||
| Oh, there was a TV show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And was that Bill Paxon as the crazy brother? | |
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Who made that? | ||
| John Hughes. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Just had his finger on the pulse of cool. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How did they make her? | ||
| What was the ingredient? | ||
| It was just. | ||
| Great question. | ||
| You sound like one of the parents trying to recreate her. | ||
| So how'd they make that girl, by the way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd give her Mom Digitist Mamma Blant. | |
| Wom Digits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, look, they have a computer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something. | |
| Out of this world. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What would you little maniacs like to do first? | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's her opening question. | ||
| Weird science. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you want to be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle. | |
| Flatass. | ||
| Not here. | ||
| No way. | ||
| She is turning their lives. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trust me for once, will you? | |
| What is going on? | ||
| Their minds. | ||
| Trailers. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| She just wanted to make them cool, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| She didn't even want to fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You know, they must have been like, dude, did you not put in the right code? | ||
| She's here to like take us to dinner. | ||
| Yeah, why would you stop with that? | ||
| Let's try one that doesn't talk as much. | ||
| Let's try the next one. | ||
| I think they just did it on their computer. | ||
| It was just like a bunch of... | ||
| Yeah, it was so easy to do back then. | ||
| Such a funny thing, too. | ||
| Like, we were just so trusting. | ||
| We're like, that's probably how you do it if you're going to do it. | ||
| Like, that's how stupid it is. | ||
| Just put a bunch of numbers in your computer and your door to your bedroom extra. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Make the boobs bigger. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| It's funny because people probably thought one day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they might be right. | ||
| According to the plot, they hook some electrodes up and they hack into a government computer system for more power. | ||
| Oh, for more power. | ||
| Awesome, dude. | ||
| Believable plot. | ||
| Table for one. | ||
| Oh, as long as we have more power, but I guess when you're watching that, yeah, you're just like, that's it. | ||
| What are the odds that it makes a hot lady? | ||
| Like, what are the odds? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That works. | ||
| First time ever. | ||
| Two fucking high school students figured it out. | ||
| And we were like, take my money. | ||
| Tell me this amazing story. | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| I'm surprised there was no scary movie type parody of that of them like making the wrong gal or something, you know? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Like John Goodman in a wig comes out. | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| 85. | ||
| 85. | ||
| Good for us. | ||
| What year was Soulman? | ||
| Probably like 89. | ||
| Soulman. | ||
| I haven't seen Soulman. | ||
| 86. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Go to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Soulmate. | ||
| C. Thomas Howell. | ||
| C. Thomas Howell pretends to be black. | ||
| So he'd go to a different school. | ||
| I forget how he's doing. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro, bro, it's crazy. | |
| Julia Louie. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not even good. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Yeah, Julia Louise Dreyfuss is in it. | ||
| James Earl's in it. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| How did he sign off on this? | ||
| Because people didn't know any better back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All right. | ||
| Fair enough. | ||
| They didn't. | ||
| They were basically just climbing out of the caves, and they were like, what year is this? | ||
| He intentionally takes too many tanning pills to turn his skin darker and gets a scholarship. | ||
| Meant for African-American. | ||
| Tanning pills. | ||
| He took tanning pills. | ||
| Like, as if they had tanning pills back then. | ||
| Is that pre-tanning bed? | ||
| Dude, I get peptide now. | ||
| Now, do you think somebody has a peptide now that can actually give you a tan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does it do? | |
| Does it like just jack up your melanin? | ||
| Yeah, what's a melanin? | ||
| Somebody give that shit to Rachel Dahlzo. | ||
| I'll see if they take her back. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Did somebody pitch a... | ||
| Do you think somebody was like, we need a blackface movie? | ||
| But what's the story? | ||
| And they're like, well, it was a comedy. | ||
| He wants to be tan. | ||
| He takes too many. | ||
| He tans too hard. | ||
| It was a yeah. | ||
| And he can't get into scholarship any other way? | ||
| That must have been. | ||
| Is that part of it? | ||
| I guess, right? | ||
| So he got a scholarship. | ||
| African American studies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you have to be African American stuff? | ||
| Study African American studies? | ||
| That doesn't mean that's it. | ||
| We're finding some holes in this. | ||
| That's just as bad as Weird Science. | ||
| This is more science fiction. | ||
| I found an New York Times 1985 article talking about warning pills about getting an early tan. | ||
| They had pills for getting a tan back then. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| What did it do? | ||
| I know, like, carrots will do that to you. | ||
| It says, FDA replied, canthanaxin is not approved for use to be ingested to color the human body. | ||
| What? | ||
| In oral tanning products, the use of canthanaxin in oral tanning products is illegal. | ||
| Tanning products have been seized under the provisions of the Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, and further attempts to import these tanning products. | ||
| Oh, it's all imported. | ||
| FDA warns that tanning pills contain food colorings that accumulate in the blood, skin, fatty tissue, and organs, such as the liver. | ||
| They even cause the user's skin to acquire an often cause the user's skin to acquire an orange tint. | ||
| I didn't take the pills. | ||
| I took no pills. | ||
| They told me to take the pills. | ||
| I said I don't need it. | ||
| I took a lot of those pills. | ||
| I took two mails plus. | ||
| Don't you love the Biden cocktail? | ||
| What they would give him when he would have to do like press conferences or a debate. | ||
| The debate cocktail must be extraordinary. | ||
| It was just Capri Sun and Plan B gummies. | ||
| Bro, it must be extraordinary. | ||
| What's happening with this guy? | ||
| Get a real tan. | ||
| Not a fake orange tan. | ||
| Sun-tan pills. | ||
| You can get a real tan. | ||
| my god that that guy looks yeah he went from like white guy to that's not right I know. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| No, they put a filter on his ass. | ||
| But they used to be able to sell anything in the back of magazines and it would just be a total scam. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You knew it was a scam just because it was in the back of the mag or whatever. | ||
| Stray goggles and all kinds of shit that didn't matter. | ||
| Like Sky Mall shit? | ||
| No, it was like the back of stupid magazines and stuff. | ||
| They were just fake ads. | ||
| There was no rules back then. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| People just scam people, sell you things that was totally horseshit. | ||
| And you're like, you're stupid enough to send your money through the mail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you never got anything back. | ||
| I'll see some of that stuff on Amazon every now and then where I'm like, how is this up there? | ||
| Like, there's certain. | ||
| Amazon has a lot of fake products, unfortunately. | ||
| There's a lot of fake supplements that are sold on Amazon. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, so if you buy from a major company like Pure Encapsulation, they're a big trend again somehow, obviously. | ||
| Oh, TikTok trend again. | ||
| Tanning pills. | ||
| I'm taking it again. | ||
| It's not surprising. | ||
| We love our pills. | ||
| America, what do we love? | ||
| Our free speech and our pills. | ||
| We do McDonald's. | ||
| We do enjoy a pill. | ||
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| What is the what's the can you show me what it looks like? | ||
| Is there like a before and after taking that stuff? | ||
| That's what I was looking. | ||
| That's what I did. | ||
| That's what this guy was. | ||
| I don't this. | ||
| Yeah, but there's got to be like some modern people. | ||
| Are those that one's AI in the second row, right? | ||
| With that girl with the crazy eyes. | ||
| So this guy took it. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| You could have also just put tanning listeners. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's the thing, too. | ||
| It's like those before and after weight loss things. | ||
| It's like, was it really the product or did you just take some of those things? | ||
| We were talking about last night, Brendan Schaub and I one time we were watching these bodybuilders. | ||
| And you know, bodybuilders used to dye all of their skin, including their face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For what? | |
| Well, the more, the darker your skin is, the more contrast, the more it shows your muscles. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| So when they get like real shredded and they dye their skin like super dark. | ||
| I always wonder why they were all so. | ||
| But now, after the woke stuff, it's become offensive to dye your face. | ||
| So they dye their whole body and they leave their face white. | ||
| So they have chocolate body, full chocolate body, white face. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| Neapolitan body. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| It's like, what are you doing? | ||
| What is this craziness you can do? | ||
| You complained about that. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look. | |
| Look how kooky that is. | ||
| That's not even the kookiest. | ||
| There's some really kooky ones where people have white faces. | ||
| Dude, what do you think? | ||
| There's a whole video of me and Shaub with a bunch of different examples of it where we thought it was really funny. | ||
| Man, the discipline of the bodybuilders. | ||
| It's weird because they, yeah, like, look at that guy. | ||
| That's ridiculous because he can't do his face like that because he looks fully black. | ||
| So now you just have to accept that this is how they're all going to come out and look on stage and just. | ||
| Well, that guy went for it. | ||
| He's like, fuck it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I'm going blackface. | ||
| Yeah, that's Beret Brinstein. | ||
| Yeah, you can kind of go brown face, but if you want to get full chocolate body, like some guys go full dark. | ||
| Dude, like so dark they could be like straight from Cameroon. | ||
| Can I say that? | ||
| That guy's pretty dark right there. | ||
| I mean, look at those quads. | ||
| That's what I want to know. | ||
| And I mean, no disrespect by this. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Why, like what makes you want to have, there was a girl I went to elementary school with and she for a little bit became a bodybuilder and. | ||
| And I think I looked at it as she had kids. | ||
| I think she was maybe midlife crisis and was just like, I want to do something where I push myself and get into shredded, amazing shape. | ||
| It's how I viewed it from a Facebook vantage point. | ||
| But like, is this in you as a kid? | ||
| Is it like you have a thirst for working out and then you just go too far? | ||
| Or is it the same way we like stand up and have an addiction to that and a love for it? | ||
| Is it really like, I want to compete and win at this? | ||
| It's not just about looking good. | ||
| It's about like having the best instrument and competing against other bodies and having the best body. | ||
| Is that well, litter is a bodybuilding competition. | ||
| Right, but like why do like to have your legs look like that? | ||
| What is the different people like different things, Adam Ray? | ||
| All right. | ||
| You know, and they clearly like being jacked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They like looking like that. | ||
| They like being, that look like a fucking living human, incredible Hulk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And there's, yeah, there's still just people. | ||
| I mean, it's people have always been fascinated by extreme bodies. | ||
| That's why Pumping Iron was such a big film. | ||
| People are fascinated by people that are willing to do this and go that far with something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here's the question, though. | ||
| What bothers you about it? | ||
| Does it bother you like that? | ||
| No, no, no, there's the time. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Why would you want to do that? | ||
| I guess why. | ||
| I guess it's just so far. | ||
| Here's my question. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If they had a pill, and I give you this pill, and all of a sudden you look like that, are you taking it or not? | ||
| Well, let me... | ||
| No work. | ||
| So, when I... | ||
| That's the lottery and a pill. | ||
| So let me answer that question with when I played Vince McMahon on the rock show about his life for a few seasons on NBC, I got a trainer to bulk up. | ||
| I got a little bigger. | ||
| Not Vince big, but there was a moment where a friend of mine came to me and was like, there's an easy way and there's not an easy way. | ||
| And I was like, what's the easy way? | ||
| And he did suggest some crazy shit. | ||
| And I was like, I don't think I want to be, look like that unless the show really asked me. | ||
| But I don't think I would. | ||
| Would you want to look like Canelo Alvarez? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So you know a pill? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You take that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You take really good muscular physique. | ||
| Nothing crazy. | ||
| Nothing crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and no judgment. | ||
| Maybe I. | ||
| But you would take that pill, right? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I guess I'm more impressed. | ||
| This is when Vince was 100 years old. | ||
| I'm more impressed by the, I guess, the discipline of what you must have to do because I know that it's not just like taking stuff to make your legs look that defined and muscular. | ||
| To be that guy at his age, that's bananas. | ||
| Because you look at Vince McMahon's build. | ||
| I don't give a fuck how old he is. | ||
| I don't care if he's 80. | ||
| I don't care if he's 40. | ||
| Like if you're built that way, you're putting in hours, period. | ||
| You're putting in hours. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| Like steroids don't make you grow. | ||
| They make you recover. | ||
| I mean, they do make you grow a little. | ||
| I think if you just took them and didn't do any work at all, I think they do put some muscle on you. | ||
| But that kind of muscle is continual work over decades. | ||
| That guy's super chaxed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why I'm so split on the baseball steroid stuff where it's like Barry Bonds. | ||
| Yeah, he takes it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the only thing fun about the game. | |
| Give them the Roys. | ||
| Let him hit the ball. | ||
| Are we fucking stupid? | ||
| Do you want to compete with China or no? | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| America! | ||
| Do we have the means? | ||
| Yes, we do. | ||
| Do we know how it works? | ||
| Yes, we do. | ||
| But what are we doing skinny? | ||
| What do we got all these skinny hitters for? | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Oh, we got to make sure no one's cheating. | ||
| Make it legal. | ||
| Hit all the home runs. | ||
| Make it legal. | ||
| Make it mandatory. | ||
| I want every baseball player to be roided out of his mind. | ||
| Just giant fucking superhero-looking dudes who crush it into the fucking parking lot. | ||
| Crack. | ||
| I want baseball bats broken like five out of 10 games. | ||
| Greg Geraldo had a great old joke. | ||
| He goes, I want Barry Bonds to come out as one giant chest muscle. | ||
| And he was saying how it's so fucked that Congress was like cracking down on that and taking away records. | ||
| He goes, you're taking away records. | ||
| He goes, he goes, you know what else? | ||
| He goes, because they say it's an illicit substance. | ||
| You know what else is an illicit substance? | ||
| Crack okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No one's taking gold records away from Whitney Houston. | |
| One of my favorite Gorado jokes. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| But he's right. | ||
| And you're right, I think. | ||
| I mean, it is hard to do. | ||
| I did a TV show with Barry Bonds. | ||
| Plays yours. | ||
| There was a show that I did, a baseball show called Hardball. | ||
| I played this baseball player. | ||
| And one of the episodes, it was Barry Bonds was like the guest for the day. | ||
| Super nice guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| But he was normal-sized Barry Bonds back then. | ||
| Still ripping it, by the way. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Still one of the best baseball players of all time. | ||
| And super nice guy. | ||
| Real friendly to everybody. | ||
| And it was just like, holy shit, that's Barry Bonds. | ||
| Like, this show must be for real. | ||
| It wasn't for real. | ||
| Canceled. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| The show died. | ||
| But we did get Barry Bonds. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| But it was interesting because I got to see him as normal size Barry Bonds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then he got fucking jack. | ||
| Dude, it's like. | ||
| Bro, he got fucking jack. | ||
| But you still have to hand-eye coordination. | ||
| You still have to. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| It's not making your eyes clear, right? | ||
| It's not like. | ||
| It's definitely making your body perform better and on top of that, recover quicker so you could do more work. | ||
| So that's the main reason. | ||
| That's the recovery. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, not just the big factory, just not just recovery, but your ability to work. | ||
| Especially guys who take EPO. | ||
| Like that was what the Lance Armstrong stuff and the cyclists. | ||
| What they're doing is so difficult for your body to compete in Tour de France. | ||
| Notice how I said France? | ||
| Like I'm sophisticated. | ||
| That's really good. | ||
| Tour de France. | ||
| I felt so pretentious. | ||
| I felt pretentious after I said France. | ||
| I was like, you wear it well. | ||
| It's been argued, I think, successfully, that it's healthier to do that event on drugs. | ||
| It's healthier to be taking steroids and EPO for your body because you're asking so much of your body. | ||
| It's so taxing. | ||
| It's so fucking absolutely brutal that it's like you probably should take something. | ||
| But the problem was you weren't supposed to, and everybody was. | ||
| And they were like blood doping and doing all kinds of crazy things. | ||
| Did you ever see the documentary, Icarus? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, my God, dude. | ||
| Do you want to talk about a documentary that you have to watch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Award-winning, won a bunch of awards. | ||
| It's fucking incredible. | ||
| And it's the most like the circumstance is just laid out so perfectly. | ||
| Like it was meant to be. | ||
| So this guy, he does this documentary. | ||
| And Brian Fogel, right? | ||
| Brian Fogel, great guy, was a guest on the podcast a couple of times. | ||
| Did this documentary where he's a cyclist and he wanted to cycle this race, compete in this race natural, and then hire someone to show him exactly how to cheat and take everything that a cheater would take and just take all the steroids and all the EPO and all that stuff and then do the same race and see what the score is, see the differences. | ||
| So he hires this guy who's the head of the Russian anti-doping organization. | ||
| Well, while he is hiring this guy, while the guy is prescribing him steroids and telling him what to take, that guy gets in trouble because it turns out they had doped the entire Sochi Olympics team. | ||
| The entire Russian team. | ||
| There was this huge scandal. | ||
| They had drilled a hole in the wall and they were passing the dirty piss through and they were getting a new bottle of clean piss. | ||
| And they found it through microscopic scratches in these supposedly unopenable jars. | ||
| These jars are supposedly impossible to open. | ||
| And so once they sealed them off, they felt like these will be sealed until we open it. | ||
| Well, then the Russians figured out a way to open the jars and then they would swap out the piss and put in the good piss. | ||
| Oh my. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| So now this guy lays out exactly how he did it in the documentary. | ||
| He lays out the whole program and then he's on the run. | ||
| So now he's in America and he's in like witness, he's like witness protection program. | ||
| Like they want to kill him. | ||
| Currently. | ||
| Yes, currently. | ||
| He's in hiding right now. | ||
| And the documentary is why. | ||
| You should get Danny the Dick slip. | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| Danny the private investigator. | ||
| Danny Dick. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Dave Dolan. | ||
| Dickless Dave Dolan. | ||
| He's dead now, unfortunately. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why you said that. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| This okay. | ||
| So when they so this after this, the Russians got banned. | ||
| I think it was the Rio Olympics was next after that. | ||
| And they couldn't compete. | ||
| They couldn't compete as Russians. | ||
| They had to compete as they had to be independent. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| They couldn't represent Russia if they wanted to compete in the Olympics. | ||
| To go to that extent to pull that off is just. | ||
| He said they doped up everybody except the figure skaters. | ||
| He said the figure skaters, it didn't seem to give them any improvement because it was all just really fine motorcycles. | ||
| So they were probably doing it for a while to see how it did trial and error. | ||
| They tried everything on everybody. | ||
| This is what happens when you have a military-run country that puts so much pride in the accomplishments of its athletes. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know, it's like very important that its athletes show dominance. | ||
| And Russia shows dominance in Olympics in the most manly of events. | ||
| Like their wrestling is, their wrestling is as good as any country on earth. | ||
| It may be better. | ||
| What was the Russian figure skater doping situation in 2022? | ||
| She was 15. | ||
| She tested positive for the banned heart medication trimetazidine. | ||
| You're on that, right? | ||
| A sample collected from the Russian National Championships December 2021. | ||
| The result only reported because of Beijing Olympics in February 2022 after she had already competed. | ||
| Did she have a heart problem? | ||
| I mean, is that like a medication that she's supposed to take? | ||
| I mean, the card of arbitration banned her for four years. | ||
| Wow, interesting. | ||
| So, well, okay, well, let's put in what is that heart medication? | ||
| Due to a contamination of a strawberry dessert prepared on the same table as her grandfather's heart medication pills. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Explanation. | ||
| And she said it was ultimately rejected as implausible. | ||
| Let's find out what the positive effects of taking that drug would be. | ||
| Put in that drug and then put in performance enhancing. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| I mean. | ||
| You think it's got a performance enhancing, a heart medication? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| What does perplexity say? | ||
| Metabolic mindset. | ||
| Increases blood flow to the heart. | ||
| It enhances physical efficiency and endurance by improving how the body uses energy, particularly by shifting energy substrate used from fatty acids to glucose oxidation. | ||
| It increases blood flow to the heart and stimulates glucose metabolism, resulting in better endurance performance. | ||
| Its effects are different from typical muscle building or stimulant-like performance enhancers. | ||
| Rather, it may improve exercise capacity, stamina, and reduce fatigue by optimizing mitochondrial function and cardiac energetics. | ||
| I want to get on it right now. | ||
| I was just going to say this sounds incredible. | ||
| When Jared More Plates, More Dates comes on, bring that up. | ||
| Make a little bookmark. | ||
| Comedians will never. | ||
| I mean, there's no doping for us, right? | ||
| No, except weed. | ||
| Weed is definitely a superpower. | ||
| But that's not like making you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a superpower. | ||
| Weed's a superpower. | ||
| It's a superpower for self-deprecation, too. | ||
| You know, the one thing that, like, we're talking about the green room, the guy who can't take a joke about himself, he's never high. | ||
| No. | ||
| If you're high and someone makes fun of you, you're like, oh, no, you're right. | ||
| Will you have a little Eddie or a little puff before you go on stage? | ||
| Or do you try to keep it clear? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Nice and slow. | ||
| I like this guy. | ||
| That's how it is. | ||
| I like this guy. | ||
| You're going to have to be Johnny Depp's agent when I go and kill Tony and Colin. | ||
| Oh, this is the question I forgot to ask about the 30 years thing. | ||
| What if you just take it all at once? | ||
| What percentage do you get? | ||
| I did find out you do get it all if you take it over 30 years. | ||
| And you get a 5% increase every year for inflation. | ||
| Yeah, but you get it all if you live 30 years. | ||
| Like, my point was, if I win the fucking lottery and I'm 24 years old, I ain't making it 30 years. | ||
| It goes to your estate if you don't. | ||
| It's still 30 years. | ||
| Fuck my estate. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| I'm trying to ball out here. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Trying to get a ball. | ||
| You're trying to ball, Jamie. | ||
| You're trying to get a rose. | ||
| A jet, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want diamonds in my Tifas. | |
| Would you go? | ||
| Wow, you would, huh? | ||
| Full grill? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'd be surprised you have to do it. | ||
| Maybe one day. | ||
| Maybe when it all starts falling apart, I'll start doing heroin, get a grill. | ||
| I want to try crack. | ||
| Connor Biden was talking about it. | ||
| It's like, it sounds wonderful. | ||
| It's not giving me an exact number. | ||
| At the very least, you got to take out the 37% for federal taxes. | ||
| 37%. | ||
| The government takes 37%. | ||
| These motherfuckers. | ||
| That's wild, dude. | ||
| You didn't buy one ticket, you cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| It's still income, though. | ||
| And it's your money. | ||
| You buy the tickets and they're like, yeah, we got all the money from it, but then we want more of your money, too. | ||
| We want money, money, And then what happens after that? | ||
| It says that depends on, then state taxes depends on where you live. | ||
| Okay, so 37%. | ||
| But if you get one payout all at once, is it the $2 billion? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, you'd get like one point, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| It's also lower. | ||
| But it's not just the 37% taxes that get drawn out. | ||
| If you take it in one payment, you get less. | ||
| It's giving me on a $593 million jackpot for some reason. | ||
| The pre-tax lump sum cash option is approximately $277.6. | ||
| Out of $500? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's almost $600. | ||
| So you get less than half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you get it right now. | ||
| You're getting it tomorrow. | ||
| I think that's what I do. | ||
| Yeah, I'm stupid. | ||
| I would do that. | ||
| Take it all. | ||
| Give me it all right now. | ||
| I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Especially after you get this. | ||
| Kazash. | ||
| Dude, I would, oh man, I'd probably go to like, I'd go to Shaq. | ||
| I'd be like, you want to make Kazam too? | ||
| I'd buy a house near my folks. | ||
| I'd definitely get on it and go, how much for our rocket? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much? | |
| You want your own? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| Bro, if I got to Jeff Bezos' money, for sure, I'm buying a rocket. | ||
| And where are you going with it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wherever. | |
| Rachel Kucamonga? | ||
| Wherever. | ||
| They're barely reusable. | ||
| They will be by then. | ||
| If I get that old and that rich. | ||
| What happened to the rockets? | ||
| What happened to the subway system that was supposed to go like LA to San Fran in like a minute? | ||
| What was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I feel like you're not. | ||
| Oh, is that the boring company? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, the boring thing was like it was going to be some sort of high-speed rail. | ||
| Yeah, Well, that was really just a money scam. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| They didn't do anything. | ||
| Almost like Helicopter Uber was like, I think lasted for two days. | ||
| How much did they spend on the high-speed rail project? | ||
| Let's find that out. | ||
| I just take a guess. | ||
| I would not have got on that. | ||
| I don't think that they've spent it all, but there is, it says $4 billion in federal funding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It has implications. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| And how much have they built? | ||
| Oh, none. | ||
| They were like tired of what other company. | ||
| What other company? | ||
| Imagine if you hired General Dynamics, whatever, and said, hey, how much for you guys to make me train and make it go really fast? | ||
| And they said, well, I think we could do it for about $4 billion. | ||
| You're like, okay, let's do it. | ||
| Thanks for the budget. | ||
| And then you give them the money, and then you go back 10 years later, you're busy. | ||
| They're not paying attention. | ||
| You're like, hey, how's the train doing? | ||
| How far do you guys get? | ||
| Not great. | ||
| Not great. | ||
| We didn't get anywhere. | ||
| Yeah, we didn't get anywhere. | ||
| We don't have any more money. | ||
| But I thought you were telling me. | ||
| What did you spend it on? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Well, there's a lot of NGOs that are attached to this market. | ||
| We also bought a lot of Powerball tickets. | ||
| And we had an Indigenous land, which is a land acknowledgement. | ||
| They have a smaller version in Florida, and there are people dying all the time. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Because people think that they can beat it, and they can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Wait, beat. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| Because they think in Florida, there's tons of trains going all the time. | ||
| It's a normal train. | ||
| You think you can get across in faster? | ||
| Oh, so it's a lot faster than the normal train? | ||
| What kind of train is this? | ||
| It goes 125 miles an hour? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Regular trains like what, 80? | ||
| 180 deaths. | ||
| So how many people? | ||
| 180 deaths making America's most dangerous passenger train. | ||
| Just because people try to run across the tracks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bro, that's so crazy. | ||
| And now you put up stats like that, and you got some psycho kids that are like, well, now we can. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Look at all the people that have died. | ||
| Now we got to go test the limits. | ||
| Can you show me what it looks like when it goes by? | ||
| Is there a video of it going by? | ||
| It's the Randy Johnson of trains. | ||
| I want to see drive-by. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's got to be a video. | ||
| I want to see what that's like. | ||
| There was one that I just saw from, I think it was Japan that's bananas. | ||
| Can you imagine getting hit by a train? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| That might be really. | ||
| It'd be instantaneous. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you wouldn't feel anything. | ||
| Let's see how fast it goes. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Oh, that's pretty quick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| That's quick. | ||
| See that again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| But the one in, I think it was Japan. | ||
| I think Japan has some new crazy high-speed one that's like three times faster than that. | ||
| Why? | ||
| They want to get somewhere quick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No time to waste, motherfucker. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Time is money. | ||
| Got to get going. | ||
| I know, dude. | ||
| That's really what it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're making jets now that are going to be supersonic again. | ||
| You know, after the watch this motherfucker. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, that's not AI. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| No, that's not AI. | ||
| This is Japan's new train. | ||
| It's 310 miles an hour. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| I don't watch this again. | ||
| This is so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that didn't look... | ||
| That looks faster than the 180, but that. | ||
| So that's probably saving how much time do you think? | ||
| If you're going. | ||
| So LA to San Francisco is like. | ||
| Time is money, motherfucker. | ||
| Time is money. | ||
| So we want to keep everybody safe. | ||
| Let's go 35 miles an hour. | ||
| And then you know what you have to worry about? | ||
| Train robbers. | ||
| They hop on board because it's so slow that you grab it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Is that what the speed increase is for? | ||
| Like when they're going uphill? | ||
| People still know that train robbers would jump on board. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| They'd wait. | ||
| They'd wait till you're about to go uphill. | ||
| What a cool life, dude. | ||
| In my next life, I'm going to be a train robber. | ||
| Bro, don't do that. | ||
| I don't know what it's like. | ||
| Tokyo to Osaka in under an hour. | ||
| Whoa, how far is that? | ||
| I'll have to look that up. | ||
| Don't give me kilometers. | ||
| It's all in children. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Don't you dare give me kilometers. | ||
| Why didn't they teach us that in school? | ||
| Kilometers? | ||
| Yeah, they could have. | ||
| We could all be using that. | ||
| We could have abandoned this nonsense that makes us confused as to how the rest of the world measures things. | ||
| 375. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| 375 miles an hour is crazy. | ||
| So it's, they've been fucking with this for a while, and we just aren't doing it because they blew the money. | ||
| Oh, but that was the only operation potentially to get it going right now. | ||
| Some discussions have been talked about to get it going before either the, which won't happen, the World Cup or the Olympics in 2026. | ||
| All we need is an additional $4 billion and we should be on screen. | ||
| They're like private. | ||
| Of course we are. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I love America. | ||
| It's just so filled with crazy bullshit. | ||
| It's just so goddamn goofy. | ||
| It's a lot of fun stuff to talk about right now, right? | ||
| Doesn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you find as a comic the crazier shit is, the more fun it is on stage or no? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| This is faster than either flying between the two cities or taking the one and a half hour trip to the current Taikaido line available with the Japanese rail pass. | ||
| The proposed route will include stops at stations at Shingawa, Sagamihara, Kofu, Lida, and Naka Sugawa. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| We'll go with that. | ||
| Originally planned only extend as far as Shingawa Station, the creation of the short underground route to central Tokyo. | ||
| So, how fast is it? | ||
| I mean, how far is it going? | ||
| 40 minutes to 177 miles. | ||
| 80% of the 177 miles will be located underground. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| $25 billion. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| $65 gigs. | ||
| Imagine going 375 miles an hour underground. | ||
| 1,000 people at a time, though. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| That's like 10 planes. | ||
| You're making me nauseous. | ||
| Yeah, even the New York subway sometimes goes too fast. | ||
| You see that video of the woman falling asleep? | ||
| God bless her, dude. | ||
| Everybody, I think it was in San Francisco, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| A woman fell asleep at the wheel in the subway. | ||
| Nobody died, but she definitely went off the track for a minute, and everybody fell over. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And then she, and then everybody was freaking out, and she opened the door and goes, hey, chill out. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| But like, she very, I mean, maybe she didn't remember that she's on camera. | ||
| So like they got her just passing out. | ||
| I mean, I'm surprised that doesn't happen more honestly. | ||
| Those are crazy hours they're working. | ||
| No, there was a person running that still. | ||
| Why don't they use AI? | ||
| Psych, we got you. | ||
| You're on my new hidden camera show. | ||
| We got you there. | ||
| We got you there. | ||
| That's how it works. | ||
| No, there is ai for the subway? | ||
| That's how AI takes over everything. | ||
| You have these kind of conversations. | ||
| Why don't they just use AI for that? | ||
| And AI is like, you're right. | ||
| You should use us. | ||
| We could make it so efficient that it's 99.9% safe as opposed to the current level of 98% safe. | ||
| That was really good. | ||
| We could approximately save 5 million lives over the course of the next 20 years. | ||
| Is that what AI, this lady just fell asleep? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, so she's on like a real. | ||
| Yeah, it's like outside in San Francisco. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| 50 miles an hour. | ||
| It is surprising that with the Waymo. | ||
| She just fell asleep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Just derailed. | ||
| Didn't crash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| That's so nuts. | ||
| And she, I just thought it was funny that she was like, chill out. | ||
| Look at her there. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| It's cold. | ||
| Eight in the morning, maybe? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Oh, whoa, that's nuts. | ||
| People went down. | ||
| That is nuts. | ||
| Hands in her pockets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like. | |
| Yeah, you got to be 10-2. | ||
| She's got great lashes, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Great eyelashes. | ||
| Yeah, man, that's crazy. | ||
| They should have a computer running that thing. | ||
| Have you done the Waymo yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, thank you. | ||
| I'm not going to lie to you. | ||
| I'm not going to be a traitor to the human race. | ||
| This is logic. | ||
| First shot across the bow in the robot war. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Except the fact that robots are going to drive you everywhere. | ||
| I don't want that. | ||
| I'll drop my Tesla here today. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| It's basically the same thing. | ||
| It's pretending I'm in control. | ||
| Is it awesome? | ||
| It's doing a great job steering, Joe. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Oh, it's incredible. | ||
| It drives itself. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| If I wanted to. | ||
| I don't ever do it, but if I wanted to, I could put an address, goop, boop, and it just goes there. | ||
| Stops at every stop sign, stops at every stoplight, changes lanes when there's an obstruction. | ||
| So you don't have the trust built enough to allow it to take you. | ||
| I like to drive. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I want to drive. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| I like driving. | ||
| And I like being aware of stuff and paying attention. | ||
| I don't want to just drift off and just let the computer do the work, but that's coming. | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| Are you a road trip guy? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't have time for road trips. | ||
| Yeah, fuck. | ||
| I'm sorry I asked you that question. | ||
| Are you a road trip guy? | ||
| As soon as I came out of London, I lived in Winnebago. | ||
| Winnebago with the kids in the back. | ||
| Driving across the country. | ||
| That's me, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I mean, the amount of gigs early on that I drive, the amount of times I went from LA to San Diego or LA to Santa Barbara, LA to San Fran or Sac for eight, ten minutes. | ||
| I remember Triple had some room in Santa Barbara. | ||
| I would drive eight minutes, then come back, then host a Fear Factor live show at Universal the next morning at 9 a.m. just for, and I'd drive Sam out there or whoever it was just to get time. | ||
| But I always liked it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But as far as like a cross-country road trip, I don't know. | ||
| That's not a road trip, though. | ||
| That's just road work. | ||
| Yeah, but five, six hours felt like a road trip. | ||
| Well, it's a lot of driving. | ||
| That's for damn sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, but okay, I guess, but road trip, a classic road trip we talk a lot. | ||
| Like not even for work, just like a road trip. | ||
| Just go on a trip, see the country, pull into place. | ||
| Yeah, I'd like to do it. | ||
| I mean, I just, do you take time off? | ||
| I will next week. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was going home to see. | ||
| That's not convincing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Well, just because I have, I mean, it's like we have the last Phil show coming up. | ||
| I'm on the road with club dates for the rest of the year. | ||
| And then I start my theater tour, first theater tour, January through April of next year. | ||
| So that's on sale right now, AdamRayComedy.com. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| But I don't know, so many shows and then Last Phil and then riding a bunch. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| To me, there's not enough time in the day, but going home to Seattle for Thanksgiving will be the shutdown because I remember my nieces and nephews. | ||
| I want to have a lot of time to kick with my mom. | ||
| Did you start stand-up up there? | ||
| I did one open mic before I moved to LA just to feel like I did it. | ||
| And then I went to SC 01 to 05, started in 07 is when I jumped in. | ||
| I did a few frat parties during college, only going off the confidence that I did it once in Seattle. | ||
| For whatever reason, you need the delusion to start even trying to do stand-up. | ||
| So for whatever reason, I was able to ride the experience of once in Seattle and go up at a frat party and just bomb. | ||
| I mean, I got to find that footage. | ||
| I got a few laughs when I made fun of bike cops, and then I did a little crowd work because a girl started booing. | ||
| It was before a band, and the band was an hour late. | ||
| And then I had the balls to do all 30 minutes that I practiced. | ||
| I should have done five and gotten off because the band was ready, but I was like, I practiced 30. | ||
| I'm doing 30. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| And then this girl started yelling shit out, and I yelled shit back and got some laughs. | ||
| And that's all I remember about it. | ||
| And my buddies, I remember just got off, and they were like, man, that was. | ||
| How long were you up there? | ||
| Never a good sign. | ||
| Nothing about what you did. | ||
| But really started in 07 at the store and everywhere. | ||
| You do need that delusion in the beginning. | ||
| A thousand percent. | ||
| Yeah, you need to be slightly delusional because the dream is so ridiculous. | ||
| It's so there's there can't be any part of you that's like, do people really want to hear what I have to say? | ||
| Or am I really funny? | ||
| I mean, it's just like, and I, you know, had done plays so I was felt comfy on stage. | ||
| But that's what's so funny when, you know, there's a kid that I'm not mentoring, but just giving advice to every time he asks. | ||
| And he's unfortunately looking for, you know, I think with just clips and everything now, he's just like, he's looking for shortcuts. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't want to tell him not to do it, but I'm like, man, you're just like, you're not focused on kind of what I was telling you, which is control what you can control, which is getting on stage all the time, writing all the time, living a life worth writing about is what I tell this kid a lot. | ||
| Cause I'm like, if you find yourself, he's a little too isolated. | ||
| And I'm like, you need to get your job back. | ||
| So you're just accumulating life experience, having things to pull from. | ||
| But yeah, I can't imagine starting now. | ||
| Well, it's got to be. | ||
| Because he's so focused on like, I got to get that clip. | ||
| Now, it's a different sort of environment, right? | ||
| The clip environment. | ||
| Like, that's how guys are promoting their work now. | ||
| It's like when. | ||
| It's a blessing and a curse. | ||
| It's definitely a blessing. | ||
| The only curse would be, because it doesn't preclude you from still doing a lot of open mics. | ||
| It doesn't preclude you from working and opening for people. | ||
| But it can give you an undue amount of success. | ||
| Like if you have a really good crowd work video and then a bunch of people come out to see you, but you really only have 10 minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, which happens to some folks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's tricky and you don't necessarily want people watching you the first year or the first two years. | ||
| No. | ||
| Even maybe in the first three. | ||
| Oh, my mom came out to see me too soon. | ||
| That was bad. | ||
| I did a joke. | ||
| Let me see if I can remember it. | ||
| I said something about I was raised, oh, so stupid. | ||
| Just a classic misdirect. | ||
| I go, like, I was raised by a single mom. | ||
| I grew up with just my mom and my sister. | ||
| So I was like sensitive and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And making a joke about maybe being gay because I was raised by two women. | ||
| So I go. | ||
| So my mom taught me to be kind and nice and take a guy out to dinner before you lick his asshole. | ||
| And like, would get about this response. | ||
| And then I would go, just kidding. | ||
| I wouldn't take him to dinner. | ||
| Bro, that was maybe my third time on stage. | ||
| And my mom came to that show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's my sweet mom, little June from Oklahoma. | |
| And she just, remember after the show, she just goes, did you have fun? | ||
| Did you have fun? | ||
| But the delusion to think, like, I don't care if mom's here, I'm doing the joke I wrote. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, if you can call that a joke, but well, yeah, well, it's also a part of being young, too. | |
| And you're young, especially dudes. | ||
| We're just stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We are. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And you'd think you could do anything, dumbass. | ||
| But eventually you can. | ||
| You know, that's the thing. | ||
| It's like, you're going to have to suck at the beginning. | ||
| It's just with everything you do. | ||
| You know, if you picked up ping pong tomorrow, you're going to fucking suck. | ||
| I thought about that. | ||
| Ping pong? | ||
| I thought about trying to. | ||
| I love ping pong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| Oh, I love it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, I fucking love it, dude. | ||
| It's so, it's probably how, I don't know how pool is for you, but like it's relaxing, even though I know it's a little and I shoot the shit a lot with whoever I'm playing with. | ||
| It's a real, like, mindless almost. | ||
| Um, because I don't play video games really anymore. | ||
| And what happened? | ||
| Why'd you stop? | ||
| Moved out of my apartment, left the table there. | ||
| I have space now. | ||
| I have a house. | ||
| I should fucking definitely buy one. | ||
| It'll suck you back into that dark hole. | ||
| That dark pong hole. | ||
| That dark hole of video games. | ||
| And I feel. | ||
| These games are too good right now. | ||
| Oh, I do. | ||
| Give me a no thanks, dude. | ||
| They're too good. | ||
| I played Halo over last holidays with my brother, and I was really high. | ||
| He was not. | ||
| And I started to like, I just had panic attacks. | ||
| It was too real. | ||
| My heart was palpitating. | ||
| I was just like, and he got in my head. | ||
| He was like, dude, I can't believe you let our guy die. | ||
| And I was like, he's like, he's got a family. | ||
| I was like, it was too much. | ||
| Yeah, maybe it's not for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Jamie, what was that? | ||
| Did I send you that thing with those goggles that you could use on Steam? | ||
| Dude, your brain is awesome. | ||
| I'm so glad we're going back to this because when you brought up the goggles earlier, I was like, fuck, we got off that. | ||
| But I'm really curious about that. | ||
| So thanks for getting us back there. | ||
| This Steam goggles is some new thing that I saw. | ||
| There's like a component that goes on the outside and there's a battery pack. | ||
| And it can either directly sync up to your computer or it works as a standalone. | ||
| And it's showing you like AR, all the video games that are on Steam. | ||
| It seems fucking nuts, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of available now, though, already. | ||
| Right, but there's a new one that's supposed to be even better. | ||
| That's the one that I sent you. | ||
| I sent you that video, right? | ||
| Yeah, but I'm just saying, like, this, it's not, I don't want to shit on it too bad, but it's please do. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Because I want it. | ||
| Yeah, it's not unfortunately like you can do this now. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But my point is, this is supposed to be really good. | ||
| The new one. | ||
| And you could play games. | ||
| Like, what games are on Steam? | ||
| The Steam have Quake? | ||
| That's a misunderstanding. | ||
| I think you're misunderstanding that a little bit. | ||
| You can't play any game that's on Steam. | ||
| That's not what that meant. | ||
| So VR games are available through Steam, and you generally have to connect a wire or something. | ||
| I remember that giant setup we used to have back in the day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| We were playing one of those games all through Steam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| And we had it set up through a wire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so like the on like an Oculus headset, which is what this is sort of comparing itself to. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You have to download those games directly to that or like have it connected to your phone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And without an extra wire or another device, you couldn't easily play Steam games before recently, but you kind of can now. | ||
| And so they've updated a device to be like, okay, well, we'll do that too though. | ||
| Like we just put all that tech in a this is my question. | ||
| The obvious one. | ||
| How long before you can play VR Quake? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's they'd have to develop that in there, and I don't think that they want to. | |
| And also on a multi-directional treadmill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's VR Quake. | |
| It's too fast. | ||
| You'd get sick. | ||
| You would throw up. | ||
| You'd get sick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you'd get sick. | |
| Everywhere. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| Yes, you'd get sick. | ||
| There's no good movement. | ||
| I'd be fine. | ||
| There's no good movement. | ||
| I'd feel great. | ||
| I'm just saying, I'd do it fasted. | ||
| I could put the roller coaster thing on for you right now. | ||
| You'd probably see it real quick. | ||
| No, it's a hard pass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I'm sure. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| But I want to try. | ||
| I just feel like if they really did VR Quake and you're on one of those trends. | ||
| You ever see those they strap you in at the waist, these treadmills? | ||
| No. | ||
| And it's like a circle, and you can run in any direction. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a contained circle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| What are they called? | ||
| Multi-directional treadmills? | ||
| Is that what they're called? | ||
| Omni, omnidirectional treadmills. | ||
| So it's like, it's kind of like you're attached with like cables and you just run on this treadmill and you know you're running and shooting at things and like you're probably getting some legitimate exercise 1000% you are, especially if you're doing some game where you got to run from zombies. | ||
| You know you're running, you're fucking gunning them down and you're running and running down zombies, probably amazing. | ||
| Disney developed something that's not available yet. | ||
| They call it the hollow tile, which is an updated version of that which doesn't have to be on a treadmill. | ||
| Like you're, you're not attached to anything. | ||
| This guy's just standing still and walking whoa. | ||
| But this again like but wait a minute, are they like beads? | ||
| How is that working? | ||
| Talk to Disney, I don't, okay, but that doesn't seem like you can go fast. | ||
| Well, that's the. | ||
| You can't really go fast in this either. | ||
| You can't go fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure no one Noah, has your mom. | |
| If, if everyone really liked it and it was that good, I would, me and RED BAND would have I was gonna say, RED BAND is all over this right yeah we, and it's just, it's not that good, it's well, what's it look like now? | ||
| Let me see what you got. | ||
| Let me see a dude doing it. | ||
| Total game changer. | ||
| That's that guy's sandals, and tell me if you want to be him. | ||
| Wait, here's his david. | ||
| Oh, verified buyer. | ||
| Let me read this. | ||
| That dude's got sandals with socks on. | ||
| I love my Omni One. | ||
| It has been a total game changer. | ||
| Game changer. | ||
| In just four months of thrilling Action Pack gaming, it has shattered my weight loss plateau and dropped an incredible 40 additional pounds, all while having an absolute blast. | ||
| See, that's what I was thinking. | ||
| Yeah, it could be legitimate exercise. | ||
| Yeah, are those? | ||
| No oh, that's his sneakers. | ||
| They're strapped in. | ||
| I thought he was wearing socks with sandals. | ||
| I was like that is the wackiest i've ever seen. | ||
| That seems kind of, though. | ||
| Most people don't want to be active while they're playing video games. | ||
| It's just like they're counterintuitive things. | ||
| Yeah yeah, but we're not talking about most people Jamie, i'm talking about a couple of athletes. | ||
| I'm talking about me wanting that thing yeah, in my life. | ||
| So when, when he's running on that thing, what does it look like? | ||
| Can we show me a video of someone using one? | ||
| Like i'd be down to go to the prehistoric era and chase fight, kill whatever it is dinosaurs, but be moving and shaking right yeah, versus just being stationary. | ||
| Yeah, I want to run from stuff. | ||
| I want bats chasing. | ||
| It's virtual reality. | ||
| It should be as real as possible. | ||
| Supposed to be scary, I mean that's. | ||
| And also you get a workout in. | ||
| Oh, that looks actually kind of cool. | ||
| Look how he's leaning so far forward there to do that like that's not comfortable. | ||
| But is he doing that on purpose? | ||
| I probably not. | ||
| He's probably trying to make it work. | ||
| Oh bro, this looks awesome. | ||
| You're, you are not dissuading me. | ||
| This looks amazing. | ||
| This does look awesome. | ||
| This could be the only oh, my god, the problem too. | ||
| This could be the only game that works on. | ||
| I want to shoot those things. | ||
| You got to get Martin Phillips. | ||
| What are there is what other things are happening in that game. | ||
| This is kind of my point with all of you. | ||
| I've tried to tell you before, if someone made a really good game by now, 10 years into this, everybody would know about it. | ||
| We would have talked about it. | ||
| Yeah, a bunch. | ||
| Yeah okay, what's just not. | ||
| What games can you play with this setup? | ||
| I've never. | ||
| I don't know, I don't know anybody that's ever used. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, this guy on the outside of the shoes, what are those? | |
| He's got something on the outside of his neck, right. | ||
| It's like a strapped on thing, just like the other one was. | ||
| Yeah, it's so funny to see how far we've come. | ||
| Remember the Nintendo trackpad. | ||
| I mean dude, we are just leaps and bounds past that. | ||
| I think those things must have some sort of a sensor that lets you know where the foot is at any given time. | ||
| That makes sense, right? | ||
| So the game would know. | ||
| That would be the way the game would detect whether or not you're moving forward. | ||
| Oh, this seems so awesome. | ||
| Well, with all the stuff they do with the motion capture for the sports games is pretty incredible. | ||
| But if you could play games like Quake, where you could actually be holding up a plastic rifle and you're running down these hallways shooting down monsters and shit well, think about playing. | ||
| If you were playing like a Madden and you could like feel the impact of taking a hit or running it like I did. | ||
| That was not, as in the middle of this. | ||
| Uh, you know those gel Blaster things. | ||
| What's that like? | ||
| Tony gives away a kill, Tony. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a little bb gun. | ||
| Yeah, it's in the Gel Blaster. | ||
| Gel Blaster, it's little gel bbs, I guess. | ||
| Okay, they've hooked it up and made it computerized and you have sensors on, like vr or like laser tag. | ||
| It's in the middle of laser tag. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| They put up giant things for you to run around cool, and it's scoring the whole time. | ||
| Cool voices talking to you saying like good job, you did it. | ||
| Like watch your health, get back. | ||
| You know, hide reload. | ||
| Birthday party idea, Joe, have you ever done paintball? | ||
| Yes, I did paintball. | ||
| When I lived in Boston there was this place that had like it was like a warehouse that had all black lights cool, and you had neon paintballs oh my god. | ||
| And you had wars, like with other teams. | ||
| It was so much fun outdoors. | ||
| Oh yeah, they light you up. | ||
| When they hit you you're like oh, that hurts. | ||
| Oh yeah, it actually hurts. | ||
| I got one the lower back. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| It is fun, it's very exciting. | ||
| They still do it right. | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah, they do it. | ||
| People get super serious. | ||
| They have like really sophisticated paintball guns now where they can shoot like multiple rounds, like semi-automatic paintball guns, like a big giant bottle at the bottom filled with paintballs. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| My buddy did one for a work um, like team bonding thing. | ||
| Oh, he's like it did not end well, like people were fucking just. | ||
| It was almost like a work conference where people got up and maybe cheated. | ||
| It was just like a version of just people taken out, just people being, you know, just cheap shots, and also people getting hit and going after people they didn't like and yeah, but you know, yeah. | ||
| So people backfiring, oh no, people getting their Aggressions out on their employees, shooting them. | ||
| Fuck you, Joyce. | ||
| Sally! | ||
| Sally, you shot her in the face. | ||
| She's on your team. | ||
| Well, I made it better. | ||
| Bitch is never on my team. | ||
| Pulling hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| High heels in the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so funny. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| She's never on my team. | ||
| Fuck that bitch. | ||
| You imagine having to work with someone you hate. | ||
| Imagine like eight hours every day with someone you fucking hate, doing something you hate with someone you hate. | ||
| Some shitty fucking person you share a cubicle with. | ||
| No, man, no. | ||
| Right next to you. | ||
| Dreading it. | ||
| Yeah, right next to you. | ||
| Talking shit. | ||
| That fucking bitch. | ||
| And there's no way to spin it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| You're stuck. | ||
| And then you got to like behave with the office culture. | ||
| I bad groceries at Albertson's for a little bit. | ||
| And there were some people there that sucks, but like, you know, I didn't see them every day. | ||
| Yeah, you're moving around. | ||
| Moving around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're doing stuff. | ||
| Oh, but if you're locked in a cube, what a bummer. | ||
| That's a fucking horrible way to live. | ||
| Thank God we were delusional. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Right? | ||
| We need more delusional people out there. | ||
| That's why I'm a big supporter of Adderall. | ||
| Like, more people should be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Quibble sponsors. | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| I did it once, and I went out to, I was doing, it was a year after I graduated, and my buddy was like, come out to the West Hollywood Halloween party with me. | ||
| He's like, it's supposed to be crazy, like 200,000 people. | ||
| I don't know if you ever in LA saw that. | ||
| It was like up and down Santa Monica Boulevard, just the ultimate chaos, right, in the gay part of LA. | ||
| And so I was like, oh, I'm going to do some content then. | ||
| So I got my buddy with a camera to like interview people because the costumes, Jeff Scott from the store used to go down there all the time. | ||
| He would build elaborate costumes. | ||
| People would spend, I mean, I talked to a guy who said he spent 80 grand on a full Batman suit. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
| And there was a guy, there was a guy, Adam and Eve. | ||
| They were just buck naked with a couple things. | ||
| And I'm just talking to everybody. | ||
| I think I may have taken off my YouTube, but I was so tired. | ||
| And my buddy was like, you want an Adderall? | ||
| And I've never done it. | ||
| And Joe, I felt, I have never done it since. | ||
| I was 2006. | ||
| I felt unbelievable, dude. | ||
| That's what scares me. | ||
| I felt unbelievable. | ||
| And I was locked in, dude. | ||
| You were selling me something right there. | ||
| You were ready to sell some real estate. | ||
| I've never snapped at anybody. | ||
| It was a bit. | ||
| I was a character. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was so focused, but I didn't feel like my heart was racing too fast. | ||
| That sounds incredible. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| It sounds incredible. | ||
| It's like when Hunter Biden describes crack. | ||
| Like, that sounds incredible. | ||
| The only reason I didn't do it is because it sounded too good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, under my administration, we had the first black mermaid. | |
| Who's that? | ||
| Biden. | ||
| Who's the black mermaid? | ||
| The little mermaid that was black. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I missed that. | ||
| I missed that outrage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Great name for a title of a special. | ||
| Outrage. | ||
| I missed that outrage. | ||
| Maybe it's a little long. | ||
| No, it's not bad. | ||
| Missed that outrage. | ||
| You jamming on another one? | ||
| I am putting together material now, you know, the weird process of subtraction, deletion, addition, expansion. | ||
| It's like fucking around. | ||
| I'm doing it at my own pace. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I'm not this word. | ||
| I'm just thinking about having fun and doing things that I find interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, you know, it's like you don't need to, I mean, what it having. | |
| What's up? | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| No, I was going to say having a club and having to not go on the road is huge. | ||
| And it gives you a chance to like, I think sometimes when, I don't know, a lot of people have this issue. | ||
| Like you do a special and then you're supposed to go on tour like four or five months later and you don't really have enough material yet. | ||
| So you start putting together stuff that you think will work rather than stuff that you really like. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So that's where my head's at. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just talk about stuff you really like. | ||
| Sometimes it's hard, like the subjects that I'm really interested in right now, some of them are just not that funny. | ||
| They're just too weird. | ||
| It's hard to figure out a way to make some of these ideas into comedy. | ||
| When you're giving yourself ample time to marinate and play around, if you don't have like a, I'm going to shoot something in. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| Having, I guess there's, again, goals are good too. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Because they force you to work. | ||
| They force you to give a sense of urgency. | ||
| I think at a certain point in time, a goal is good too. | ||
| But I also think there's a meandering period. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's important. | ||
| You got to explore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Otherwise, you're going to get stuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm doing my first weekend of the mothership in February. | ||
| I'm fired up. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm fired up. | ||
| Very exciting. | ||
| I mean, just being there last night, Shane brought me up. | ||
| Man, he murdered himself. | ||
| He's fucking so funny. | ||
| Were you guys on the late show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, nice. | ||
| And I went over to see Queens of the Stone Age. | ||
| They were doing this ACL live. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're here tonight, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tony's going tonight. | ||
| They were so good, dude. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| I met Josh the first Dr. Phil live show we did, Bird did at the store, and he brought Josh. | ||
| And he was just like, Yeah, Bird told me he was doing the Dr. Phil show. | ||
| And I was like, What the fuck is that? | ||
| And we just became homies. | ||
| And so he came, invited me over there. | ||
| And it was, I didn't see that ACL Live studio before. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's like a TV studio, but it's three levels. | ||
| And it was like a really intimate, probably 500. | ||
| Jamie, have you been there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's where that one, Kill Tony, was. | ||
| I thought you were saying studio. | ||
| I was confused. | ||
| Well, it's like a town ACL live. | ||
| Yeah, I've done it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| But they ripped it. | ||
| Dude, I feel like them, Foo Fighters, like there's a handful of bands that you're just like, oh, you guys are rock stars, dude. | ||
| And Josh sounds so fucking good vocally. | ||
| And the band is so dialed in. | ||
| I mean, there's, I think, six of them in the group. | ||
| And that was awesome, man. | ||
| Yeah, he's a nice guy. | ||
| I had him on a podcast once back in the day. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Back in the LA days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got a Queens of the Stone Age poster up in the green room. | ||
| Tony showed it to him. | ||
| He's like, oh, that's fucking great. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Yeah, Adam gave it to me. | ||
| I was like, oh, this is such a cool photo and belongs to me. | ||
| Yeah, my friend Josh gave me this poster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know if you want to have it. | |
| Norm liked him too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I was going to see him, man. | ||
| That's pretty close. | ||
| It's all right. | ||
| That's all right. | ||
| It's pretty close. | ||
| You know, when I first met Adam Eagot, I love this guy. | ||
| I don't think I've ever told you the story. | ||
| The Tempe Improv when he was booking the Tempi Improv. | ||
| That's when I met him. | ||
| He, it's 2010, so I'm three years into doing stand-up. | ||
| He comes to the Hollywood Improv. | ||
| He's trying to just scout young comics to come out and feature at the improv. | ||
| They gave him jurisdiction to start bringing people out to feature and just, you know, we'll fly you out, put you up. | ||
| And so I meet him at the improv and he's like, man, I think you should come out and do, you ever know Jim Florentine? | ||
| Yeah, maybe you can feature for him Florentine. | ||
| I ended up breaking my ankle playing an outdoor basketball game with Sam Tribly. | ||
| Shattered my ankle and couldn't go. | ||
| And then Matt Bronger was going to be there in December. | ||
| And he's like, no, you can do the Bronger weekend, but it's also the holiday show. | ||
| So you got to be clean. | ||
| And I was like, fine, I'll just take out the F-bombs. | ||
| I was not filthy aside from that. | ||
| I did have one joke that was this like PSA joke about how it's all these celebrities talking about things that you like can't really relate to. | ||
| You need like a guy. | ||
| It was always like, you know, Johnny Depp being like, you know, you need to read more to your kids, you know, and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And then it would be, I was like, why isn't there a guy that's just like, what's up? | ||
| My name's Cameron. | ||
| Life gets tough, you know? | ||
| So make sure to tell your doctor to put, please refill in your Viking order. | ||
| That way you can sell the pills for $10 a piece to your deadbeat Pill Poppins friends and finally get enough cash to buy that 20-inch physio flat screen that your slutty ass girlfriend said was going to take up too much space in the apartment. | ||
| Well, good thing she showed you her bipolar side because now you're free from her bullshit annex. | ||
| Fuck you, Beth, you dumb cunt. | ||
| And I have like a PSA at the end of it. | ||
| I did that at the show and I said, cunt. | ||
| And I got fired from the weekend. | ||
| And Adam comes up to me and he goes, oh man, I put me in a tough position, man. | ||
| I got to fire you. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| And he goes, I told you to be clean. | ||
| I go, I know, I totally fucked up. | ||
| I rolled the dice. | ||
| They had me go up and do 10 and then five and then 10 again. | ||
| And I was crushing and it was great. | ||
| But the owner at the time, I think he's passed, was super like conservative Christian. | ||
| And even though all the holiday parties were coming up to me and being like, Dude, super funny. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| Adam's like, dude, we have to. | ||
| The manager at the time, this guy named Eddie, was like, we got to get this guy out of here because if there are complaints, then we like, we got rid of the problem, you know? | ||
| And meanwhile, I'm looking up and I'm seeing Bronger kind of cursing and whatever. | ||
| And the manager was like, well, he's the headliner. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I think I'm being used as a scapegoat, but I get it because I did tell Adam I'd be clean and I fucked up. | ||
| Adam, though, then comes over with me. | ||
| He felt bad that I felt bad that I fucked up. | ||
| And we go to the bar next door. | ||
| We rip it up. | ||
| We chat and we stayed in touch. | ||
| And like, he didn't like hold it against me. | ||
| And still a homie to this day. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good dude. | ||
| You know, that's, you're not supposed to say cunt when you're on a clean show. | ||
| Part of the thing. | ||
| Fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was up until that point, it was the last joke I did, and I just rolled the dice. | ||
| And I started doing it. | ||
| And I wasn't savvy enough to like, I was like, this is how it ends. | ||
| Have you always been able to do impressions like this? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because you do a lot of impressions. | ||
| Pretty good ear, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where'd that come from? | ||
| When did you start doing that? | ||
| Impersonating teachers and friends as a kid, I think. | ||
| I was a real big kid, and there was a girl that every, the first impression I remember doing was this girl named Annie, and she was like the young hot girl in school, and everybody had a crush on her. | ||
| And I had bigger tits than her. | ||
| I was a real big kid, and she had a real big crush on my buddy. | ||
| So I remember I prank called my buddy as her with a couple other friends, like pretending to be her, calling him. | ||
| And he believed it. | ||
| And we had like a 20-minute conference. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Fourth grade. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hear what it sounds like. | ||
| Well, I can act. | ||
| I can remember, I can tap into how I would do it because it was like in the back of my throat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like really like, hey, Evan, what's going on? | |
| Obviously, my voice is way deeper now, but that's what I would do. | ||
| That would be a problem. | ||
| I'd be like, who the fuck is this? | ||
| And how big's your dick? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| I'll send you a link. | ||
| So then I would start doing. | ||
| What size shoe do you wear, Evelyn? | ||
| Evelyn, you're killing the comedy names for these bits. | ||
| So teachers, friends, and then I did, I went to my friend's like water sports camp that was like all, it was a Christian water sports camp. | ||
| But I was buddies with them. | ||
| So like, yeah, you can come and like just skip the Jesus talk, I guess. | ||
| Even though the guy tried to convert me, he was like, I know you're a Jew, but you're the only Jew here. | ||
| I was like, yeah, this doesn't feel like a conversation we need to have about that. | ||
| He was trying to convert you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did he do it? | ||
| I can't totally remember, but it was something about the core sucking your dick. | ||
| It did a little bit. | ||
| It sounded like it. | ||
| And letting Jesus into my heart. | ||
| He's like, and Jesus would love to see if you could fit around this. | ||
| But I remember for the talent show, I did like, I did a bunch of impressions. | ||
| I did like, what did I do? | ||
| I did a, I think a Clinton and a Cosby and a, that age, well, and then I did a master splinter from Ninja Turtles and like Mike Tyson. | ||
| I just, I don't know. | ||
| I think I always have a pretty good ear, but like, but I want to go back to how this guy tried to convert you. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| He had a Bible. | ||
| He wouldn't, he just sat. | ||
| I got out of it pretty quick because I was like, I'm here for the jet skiing and the camaraderie. | ||
| And he was like, I think you're really missing out on letting Christ into your heart. | ||
| He's like, and he kept asking me like, is life going great for you? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| My mom's holding on four or five jobs. | ||
| Like, I can afford, you know, she didn't buy me Jordans, but I got the, I got the Patrick Ewings, you know, we're doing okay. | ||
| And he just kept trying to be like, you could be doing better than you are now, and Jesus will fix that was like kind of the moral style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus is going to fix yourself. | ||
| He went hard in the paint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whole life. | ||
| He's like, do you know why your dad left? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, he did not. | ||
| I swear to God, yeah. | ||
| He brought up a little divorce. | ||
| Because you didn't have Jesus in your heart. | ||
| I don't know if you were going there. | ||
| You didn't have Jesus in his heart. | ||
| That was probably insinuating. | ||
| If you found Jesus, how does the dad get back in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great question. | |
| Great question. | ||
| He doesn't. | ||
| He doesn't. | ||
| This is terrible logic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he went hard in the paint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He was a young guy, too. | ||
| Those are always sus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those young hard in the paint guys are very sus. | ||
| Yeah, he was trying to, I think he was almost like he's a young door-to-door salesman. | ||
| He's like, if I can convert the Jew on this camp, maybe I'll get my, I'll get Delta status. | ||
| I'll be a golden gallon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a, it's a weird one, right? | ||
| But the uh, but the voices, I just, I don't know, an ear for it, I guess, you know, like being, but I don't even having doing the character stuff and having being able to actually transform helps a lot. | ||
| Being able to like see myself. | ||
| You're trying to bring that guy into your act. | ||
| The guy who's trying to hurt everybody. | ||
| I really should, to be honest with you. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Johnny Depp and the guy who's always trying to convert everyone to Jesus. | ||
| And Jesus will fix everything that's wrong. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Everything that's wrong. | ||
| I guess, and I just, I didn't know enough about it to give him. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I also just like, I don't know, man. | ||
| I'm pretty reform with Judaism anyway. | ||
| Like, you know. | ||
| When I was in college, when I was at UMass, there was this girl that was in my class, this really hot Puerto Rican girl with glasses. | ||
| She was so pretty. | ||
| And she was really friendly. | ||
| And she kept inviting me to these things. | ||
| Like she invited me to this weekend retreat that her and her friends were going to. | ||
| And I was like, whoa, this is crazy. | ||
| This really hot girl's inviting me to go to this thing. | ||
| I felt like I was kind of a loser. | ||
| Like, why is she inviting me? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| But I couldn't go. | ||
| I had an event. | ||
| I forget what I had. | ||
| I think I had a fight. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| I was still competing back then, I think. | ||
| And so then, might not have been. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it was. | ||
| It might have been a comedy show back then, actually. | ||
| Now I think about it, it was probably early 90s. | ||
| So when I was in class, we all found out that there was a plane crash. | ||
| It was one of the Trump planes. | ||
| Trump had an airline for a while. | ||
| I don't know if you remember this. | ||
| No, Trump Air? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And one of the planes, the landing gear, didn't come out right. | ||
| And the plane skid across the one way, and the people lived, and they were fine. | ||
| So I'd heard about it, and they were all sitting eating lunch. | ||
| So I went into the lunchroom and I said, Hey, did you guys hear about the plane crash? | ||
| And they go, no. | ||
| I go, yeah, this is crazy. | ||
| I go, everybody lived. | ||
| What happened was the plane skid to the runway and the landing gear didn't come off. | ||
| So it's like just the bottom of the plane. | ||
| But everybody lived. | ||
| And then the hot Puerto Rican girl goes, oh, praise God. | ||
| Praise God. | ||
| Then they all started saying, Praise God. | ||
| Praise God. | ||
| And I was like, oh, you guys are trying to get me to go to a religious retreat. | ||
| I'm like, okay, I thought you were going to the bang bus. | ||
| So then I started asking questions. | ||
| So I'm like, so are you guys like hardcore Christians? | ||
| Like, what are you guys? | ||
| And they're like, yes. | ||
| You know, and we wanted to invite you to, you know, take Jesus into your life and to join us in this retreat. | ||
| I was like, yeah, I'm not going to do that. | ||
| But thank you for that. | ||
| Now I know why you wanted me to go. | ||
| I thought she liked me. | ||
| Bummer. | ||
| It was a bummer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But made more sense. | ||
| I was like, okay, that makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're trying to recruit. | ||
| And that's how they do it. | ||
| They get this hot girl to recruit people. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, smart on their plane. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| But I wonder what it was, really, because it seemed a little cultish. | ||
| It seemed really odd. | ||
| It wasn't just like, you know, there's a lot of Christians that I know that are great people. | ||
| And if you told them about a plane crash, they'd be like, oh, thank God. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| But it would be like a normal way to say thank God. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It was a weird, praise God. | ||
| Praise God. | ||
| They were all saying, praise God. | ||
| And it was odd. | ||
| It wasn't as simple as, oh, thank God everybody's okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, thank goodness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Thank God. | ||
| You know, oh, I pray for those people that they, okay, that's normal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's something about, praise God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Praise God. | |
| And all of them saying it. | ||
| I was like, oh, no. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Drink this, Joseph. | ||
| It was like I was in a zombie movie where everybody's turning. | ||
| I was like, oh. | ||
| A woman came over to me after my show last weekend and goes, I heard you talk about being nervous flying on stage. | ||
| And I ran to my car and I know you're a Jew, but I brought you a Bible. | ||
| I go, I think I'm all right. | ||
| And she goes, well, wouldn't you like to know where you're going when you die? | ||
| If the plane goes down? | ||
| I go, to be honest, no, I'm rocking out to my favorite Phil Collins song, hoping that the plane reroutes itself and we actually live. | ||
| If the plane is shaking in a certain way, I don't just go, all right, well, at least I'm going. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, no, I hope we get out of this. | ||
| But she was like, oh, well, you wouldn't just. | ||
| And then she kept pushing it. | ||
| And she was like, I really think Jesus. | ||
| And she kept going off. | ||
| And then I go, with all due respect, like, I thought you just came in line to take a picture and say hello. | ||
| You know, I hope you had a good time at the show. | ||
| She goes, I'm going to go try that guy. | ||
| And it's my opener. | ||
| I go, he's more Jewy than I am. | ||
| So thanks to luck. | ||
| And she went over to him and I just see him going. | ||
| Like, you know, I tried to be nice and be like, you know, it's. | ||
| And I was very, I tried to be very, you know, sweet and be like, thanks, but no thanks. | ||
| But just so pushy, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people that it gives them validation. | ||
| Yeah, she didn't like that. | ||
| You'll follow what they're doing. | ||
| Like, and they also want to guide you. | ||
| They want to help you. | ||
| She thought I was not control you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Very weird. | ||
| I got no problem if you're like, I want to shoot my shot and see if you're into this. | ||
| But once I was like, no, thanks. | ||
| But then there was a shift in her eyes of like, oof, you're this. | ||
| Well, she really believes it. | ||
| She's probably schizophrenic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She's probably got a mild touch. | ||
| Just a touch of the skits. | ||
| Touch of the skits. | ||
| Touch of the skits. | ||
| There's a lot of folks out there with a touch. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I don't think it's schizophrenic all full-blown. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are just oddly out of touch. | ||
| We just got to go, I don't think you and I are experiencing the same game. | ||
| I'm trying to cross the sidewalk. | ||
| You're trying to eat it. | ||
| You're on some weird level where you're not seeing things the way everybody else does. | ||
| Very weird. | ||
| Some people are like that and they ruin the idea of religion for a lot of folks because it's like you associate religion with like kooks. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's, yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| To need being a good person is a pretty easy formula, too. | ||
| That's, I have one friend that's just so, God bless him. | ||
| He's just so hardcore conservative Christian. | ||
| And I'm like, do you need all that to justify being a good person? | ||
| Like, isn't it like, aren't there some golden rules you can follow of treating people the way you want to be treated? | ||
| He's just, it's just too much, in my opinion, you know, but yeah. | ||
| Well, I think it's a good, it's like a good scaffolding for morals and ethics. | ||
| That's the best thing about religion. | ||
| And if you follow people that are like devoutly religion, most religions, there's a few religions that preach some sort of some pretty radical violence. | ||
| But for the most part, what they're trying to get you to do is be a better person. | ||
| They're trying to get you to follow morals and ethics and don't lie and love your neighbor and be a kind person. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But you can do that without it, can't you? | ||
| You can, but it helps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| And there's something about like going to a church where everybody has the same thought. | ||
| You're all there for the same reason. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're all there to give your mind, like give your consciousness, like think about the concept of this higher power and think about what these lessons that are in the Bible really refer to and what they really mean and what actually really probably happened. | ||
| And it's interesting because you meet like the nicest people that do that. | ||
| So it does work. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like you could get hung up in the weeds about whether or not you believe Adam and Eve were the first real people. | ||
| Like, that seems a little sus. | ||
| You know, the whole Noah's Ark, like, what? | ||
| That seems a little sus. | ||
| I think outside of that, what you're really dealing with is a bunch of stories where people are trying to accurately depict real events, but doing it after hundreds of years of just telling stories by the campfires. | ||
| And a lot of it's distorted by translations. | ||
| A lot of it's distorted over time. | ||
| But I think they were trying to say something very profound. | ||
| And I don't know what really happened, but I think what they're trying to do is give you some sort of a history of human beings on earth. | ||
| It's just a very weird one. | ||
| Because if you get into the Old Testament, like the Old Testament has some wild shit in it, man. | ||
| You get into like Ezekiel's story of seeing the wheel within a wheel in the sky and like heads of animals and all these. | ||
| Like, what the fuck did you see? | ||
| Yeah, I got to finish my ghost first. | ||
| I got time for that. | ||
| But people that follow Christianity, that actually do follow it and are like real Christians are some of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. | ||
| So my point about that is like, you could get hung up on the weeds on whether or not you think it's a stupid thing to do. | ||
| But man, it works. | ||
| It makes for nicer people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And so that's why I support it. | ||
| I support that idea of any religion that makes you nice. | ||
| Like even Mormons. | ||
| It's kind of ridiculous. | ||
| There's a guy, Joseph Smith, who wrote it. | ||
| He was 14. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He seems to be a little bit of a con man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, said he found golden tablets that contained the lost work of Jesus. | ||
| And when they said, well, where is it? | ||
| They go, oh, the angels came and took it away because they didn't think he believed. | ||
| Only he could read it because he had a magic rock. | ||
| Like, okay, that's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You get your own planet when you die. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| But Mormons are the nicest fucking people on earth. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| They are the nicest, fucking friendliest, sweetest people. | ||
| And now they have their own show, The Secret Wives of Mormon, do they? | ||
| I haven't watched it. | ||
| It's like incredibly popular. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it any good? | ||
| I try to watch one episode. | ||
| I think my wife's into it. | ||
| It's definitely a new. | ||
| I think she's into it. | ||
| It's a real housewives type show. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But the girl from it apparently is now going to be the new Bachelorette. | ||
| So that's how popular it got. | ||
| I saw an ad the other day for the Golden Bachelor. | ||
| They're letting old people fuck. | ||
| Bro, it's, yeah. | ||
| Do the old people get after it? | ||
| It's, bro. | ||
| It's the guy who was like 77. | ||
| The woman was like 74, but she looks 73. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And they get after it? | ||
| It's like, yeah, it's like. | ||
| Do they make out? | ||
| Oh, bro. | ||
| I mean, it's really, it's like they've got one last shot at love. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Is that really what they're saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No. | ||
| We'll see if when they wake up from their nap, if this match is really a true match. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And they've all lost somebody. | ||
| I mean, I watched the first season. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It was gripping. | ||
| There's something about being lonely and old. | ||
| Well, they've all, all their, you know, the bachelor and bachelorette are just like, you know, my name's Kimberly, and, you know, I'm 29. | ||
| I'm like, I'm just tired of fuck boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Golden Bachelor, she's like, my name's Teresa. | |
| I'm 75. | ||
| My husband died four years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I don't know if I'll ever see another penis, but I hope I do. | |
| I'm paraphrasing, but she's jumping back in. | ||
| And the guy was like, dude, Prince Charming. | ||
| He looked like Vince McMahon. | ||
| fuck Pat Sajak what was the one where they turned out to be a creep though by the way He told, let me say this real quick: this report just came out. | ||
| One of the girls goes, who got picked? | ||
| The Golden Bachelor picked her. | ||
| And she goes, Yeah. | ||
| They split shortly after because he was just fucking a lot of people. | ||
| This guy was 75. | ||
| He was just cheating on her. | ||
| She goes, Yeah, he took me on a walk and said, If I ever kill you, this is where I'll chop you up and leave your body. | ||
| That report came out like three, four days ago. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's what the Golden Bachelor said. | ||
| Did they vet this fella? | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Who said that? | ||
| Jerry, I think. | ||
| And Teresa. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| He looks like a guy. | ||
| Who would chop you up? | ||
| Why say that? | ||
| He looks like a guy that would say it at least. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| What was that show where they had these young guys, like these older ladies, like MILFs? | ||
| MILF Island. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then it turns out to be the sons of the other ladies on the show, and they start hooking up. | ||
| Stop, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I couldn't even bring myself to watch it. | ||
| I didn't see you host that, dude. | ||
| I don't want that. | ||
| You should have hosted that, dude. | ||
| I already hosted people eating animal dicks on TV. | ||
| I think there's a special place to be. | ||
| Really, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| That was such a good show, man. | ||
| MILF Manor. | ||
| MILF Manor. | ||
| So that's the story, right? | ||
| Like they brought in the sons of the other ladies. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| They put out a trailer and they were very vague about what the full. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| I mean, these hot MILFs, and then, you know, they have like 20-year-old sons, and then the 20-year-old sons of the island just bang in your mom's friend. | ||
| Why isn't there just Anal Island at this point? | ||
| I mean, we're so close. | ||
| It's like some of these even love it. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| There's probably a porn you can get. | ||
| I bet if you just Google Anal Island, use your VPN because we're in Texas. | ||
| You have to say you're in Maryland, otherwise you can't get online. | ||
| Oh, loophole. | ||
| Yeah, there's a thing where you can. | ||
| Okay, in Texas, you have to show government ID. | ||
| In season two of MILF Manor, they've had a God. | ||
| They brought in the fathers, too. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| We can't get in the mix. | ||
| So it's the sons of the fathers. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It's a fucking orgy, disgusting, multi-generational orgy. | ||
| Where are they now? | ||
| Where are the startups? | ||
| I mean, they're only two seasons. | ||
| It's pretty new. | ||
| How's it doing? | ||
| Great question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's the thing. | |
| It's like, who the fuck is watching TV? | ||
| My moms are really not much older than me, which is tough. | ||
| Who would have ever thought that how old are the moms? | ||
| Almost all in their 40s. | ||
| There's a couple in there. | ||
| Are they hot? | ||
| Let me see some photos. | ||
| See what MILF? | ||
| See what we're dealing with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because, you know, you got to figure a lot to choose from out there. | ||
| A lot of MILFs want to get on the film. | ||
| MLLs want to be on MILF Manor. | ||
| If you had a MILF show, you'd probably find quite a few candidates out there in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's see what we, what do we got here, Jamie? | ||
| It's on HBO. | ||
| Is there a host for this show? | ||
| Wait, this is on HBO? | ||
| The fucking place that brought you the Sopranos now brings you MILF Manor 2. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| We're heading to the wrong. | ||
| Is it really on HBO? | ||
| Hot single moms dive into a unique. | ||
| Is it really in the HBO show? | ||
| It's a TLC show, so it's available via the HBO show. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Why do I feel better about that? | ||
| I was like, HBO goes from Game of Thrones to this. | ||
| Ooh, a lot of pretty ladies. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They look good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If there's some 20-year-old dudes. | ||
| Especially the black lady. | ||
| She's very hot. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There's the father and son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, we're banging it out, pops. | ||
| Wait, so they're. | ||
| Oh, so the guys are taking their shirts off and shit? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Let's get sad. | ||
| Mommy Manor 2. | ||
| This weird culture of everybody wanting attention. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| Reality TV. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it's 15 minutes of fame, and then you can take that 15 minutes and turn it into a podcast or a. | ||
| Is that the most popular type of television these days? | ||
| Is reality TV? | ||
| Is that the most? | ||
| Like, what is popular these days? | ||
| Joe, I think so. | ||
| That in like true crime docs, and then I'd say regular TV. | ||
| Limited series. | ||
| You know, I just watch is the Murdaugh. | ||
| You know, that's a whole story. | ||
| The Murdaugh guy, Alex Murdaugh, killed his wife and son. | ||
| And the lawyer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| Man, have you heard of this, James? | ||
| This happened probably, I think, in 2011. | ||
| High powerful lawyer in the, I think, the Midwest, and his son was driving drunk in a boat accident and with all his friends. | ||
| And one of the girls flew off the boat and died. | ||
| And so the dad shows up at the hospital. | ||
| He's just super powerful, dude, and was already stealing money from his business. | ||
| But he went into the thing and tried to curb the story to the other kids being like, who was driving the boat? | ||
| Type of shit. | ||
| And then the story got real, just uh, slippery and whatever, and everyone was like oh, and then the kid got off because of the dad and the families tried to sue and it just didn't really happen because the dad was so powerful. | ||
| And then come to find out that uh, the dad is stealing money from the business, and then the mom and him are having a bad relationship and the kid is getting bullied and teased and then he ends up murdering his uh, he ends up murdering his wife and youngest son because he's got a pillow problem. | ||
| He's gonna go to jail for um uh, for um uh, you know tax evasion and money laundering and stealing from his business, and and uh anyway, he's now serving life in prison. | ||
| Holy Joe you, I? | ||
| I don't know what you watch, but it's um dude. | ||
| Patricia Arquette and Jason Clark are unfucking real dude. | ||
| I just finished it uh, today. | ||
| Oh so it's a recreation of the documentary. | ||
| Well, the dock is also happened too. | ||
| It just happened. | ||
| There's still, I think, some events are still being unfolded. | ||
| The dock is also incredible. | ||
| But what's the official trailer that you just showed me? | ||
| That's a different thing. | ||
| Oh so this was the Netflix. | ||
| That's the Netflix document two years ago. | ||
| Yeah okay, but that's the documentary yeah, so the show just came out. | ||
| Basically oh, I just basically dramatization, but you know, but they have all the facts and Joe it's, it's wild how they uh end up finding out that it's him. | ||
| He did not cover his bases at all, I mean he, but he tried to. | ||
| He tried to like throw the phones away and then he drove to his mom's as like an alibi. | ||
| Look how creepy his hands. | ||
| Look in that photo. | ||
| What's going on with that? | ||
| Why is his hands covered in blood? | ||
| Oh man, probably just to allude to the murder, but I guess so like that, that to me like. | ||
| But again, it's murder and it's drama and it's uh, a limited series. | ||
| I think it was just eight episodes. | ||
| People are into that stuff bro, but the reality, kill your wife and your son oh yeah, crazy. | ||
| Just to just to uh create a distraction basically, and be like and victimize himself to. | ||
| Who did he say, killed his wife and his son? | ||
| Who he said it was people they were probably coming after for the whole boat accident, because the town had kind of turned on the family being like, oh my god, the kid got away with it because he's a powerful attorney and they, whatever. | ||
| And so he tried to go and he cried and they came and he was like he's probably the guys that were upset about the boat thing and we've been getting all these hate and hateful people coming after us. | ||
| And yeah, how long did he get away with it? | ||
| Even cried on the stand. | ||
| He still to this day snot coming out of his nose. | ||
| Yeah, he still to this day uh, maintains his innocence. | ||
| But they put everything together, dude. | ||
| And on the phone there's a phone that his son had before. | ||
| You hear the dad says he wasn't down at the kennels when they were saying uh, bye to the dogs, before the mom took off and was like i'm gonna divorce you, i'm gonna live at our beach house. | ||
| So he also was sad about that. | ||
| And there's the son had his phone out videotaping the dog and you hear Alex in the background talking and he said he wasn't there. | ||
| So that was a big red flag where it was like dude, you're on the fucking video, crazy god. | ||
| But yeah, kind of guy that's like, willing to murder his son and his wife is not thinking straight. | ||
| Yeah, he said he was on pills. | ||
| What kind of pills? | ||
| He on? | ||
| Man oxies or something, I think. | ||
| So yeah yeah, some something that was just numbing everything. | ||
| You know, some heroin haze yeah, with a gun, yep. | ||
| And then he's in jail and his older son comes to visit him. | ||
| He's like dad, did you do this? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| He's like dude, look at Me, of course not. | ||
| Why would I kill your mother? | ||
| He's like, it was somebody out there. | ||
| And he goes, he's like, I'm sorry I lied about being there. | ||
| I was there, but I was there and then I left. | ||
| And then I went to go visit your grandma. | ||
| And then that's when it happened. | ||
| I mean, the timeline just doesn't. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't happen. | ||
| So his son's just like. | ||
| You're like realizing my dad careful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And being like, and you're lying to me. | ||
| You won't even, even in jail, you're just like, in jail forever. | ||
| And then he even goes, he goes, thank God I left. | ||
| Otherwise, they could have, you know, gotten me too. | ||
| Wild, dude. | ||
| Imagine just committing that hard to like a monsters are real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There are some people that are just real monsters. | ||
| You know, like, what do they say? | ||
| What percentage of people are sociopaths, like complete sociopaths where they have no empathy for other people? | ||
| We've clocked that? | ||
| There's a percentage? | ||
| I think they think there's like a certain measurable percentage of people that walk amongst us that are complete sociopaths. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And even if they don't do anything horrible, they really don't care about other people. | ||
| They don't have any feelings about other people. | ||
| Both of those are attached to being a sociopath. | ||
| Yeah, and I think probably there's a connection to narcissism in there too. | ||
| Okay, one to four percent. | ||
| Percentage of people who are sociopaths, often associated with antisocial personality disorder, is generally estimated to be around one to four percent of the general population. | ||
| More specifically, some studies suggest about one to two percent with around three percent of males and one percent of females exhibiting sociopathic tendencies. | ||
| One notable estimate is that approximately three to five Americans could be sociopaths or have ASPD, with some sources citing one in 25 people, 4%, having as having sociopathic traits. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got to think sociopaths are disproportionately represented in prison populations. | ||
| The thing about sociopaths, though, I don't know if that's a nature or nurture thing, you know, to have like no empathy. | ||
| Is that something that happened because of something that happened to you as a baby? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It could be. | ||
| Like you, you just no one cared about you. | ||
| You didn't care about anybody. | ||
| Like you never developed an ability to care. | ||
| Or is it because I know some people that were terribly treated when they were young, but they're great people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're kind and sweet because of the fact they were treated so poorly. | ||
| They're really kind and sweet to other people. | ||
| You can develop that. | ||
| Right, but what's the difference, though? | ||
| Between, is it a, that's the question. | ||
| Is it like, is something wrong? | ||
| It's like, could you be a good person and still be a sociopath? | ||
| Like where like you really don't care about other people, but you just do the right thing because it seems like the right thing to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But like if like just because you weren't hugged maybe a ton as a kid or maybe you only getting at that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it's not. | ||
| Maybe it's a genetic thing. | ||
| Maybe it's just a weird like you didn't get all the ingredients, you know? | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a bummer. | ||
| Because I feel like that's a pretty common human thread to have empathy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And compassion. | ||
| Like that's what keeps us together. | ||
| Core traits, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like people that don't want that. | ||
| Like you don't want friends? | ||
| Like that. | ||
| What? | ||
| You don't care about people? | ||
| You kind of need empathy and compassion to interact with anybody, don't you? | ||
| Like in any situation to be. | ||
| You could fake it, right? | ||
| You could fake empathy and compassion if you're a real sociopath that's got a lot of time like tricking people. | ||
| Like your whole life you've been tricking people. | ||
| Maybe you're a real good politician. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know anybody like that? | ||
| And so then so you get to this point where that's like you're just really good at pretending that you care about everything and you really care about nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's your best quality? | ||
| Mine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I have no idea. | ||
| What do you like? | ||
| What do you, if you had to like, oh my, are we on a date? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| You're a likable guy. | ||
| Like, what do you like? | ||
| What's your, like, I don't know. | ||
| What do you, what do you leave with? | ||
| Your outlook at life? | ||
| I'd say that, right? | ||
| You're a glass half-full guy. | ||
| I have a good outlook. | ||
| Yeah, but I've also been very lucky, you know, so there's a lot of that. | ||
| Like, you have to really take it. | ||
| You created your own good luck, though. | ||
| Some of it? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But some of it is just, you know, you don't get hit in the head by a meteor. | ||
| You know, you don't die in a car accident. | ||
| Like, there's some of it is just flat out luck. | ||
| There's part of life that appears to be very random. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You know, and that you can't control. | ||
| So anybody that's like successful at all, there is a percentage, whatever the percentage is, 30, whatever it is. | ||
| There's luck. | ||
| There's luck involved. | ||
| But you worked everything you did as far as like having this get her attitude and put yourself in positions and then make good on those opportunities, right? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| But it's also luck. | ||
| 1,000. | ||
| You have to have that too. | ||
| You have to have a bunch of like things that happen, you know, in the right order for things to work out well. | ||
| Because we all know like really talented people that, for whatever reason, never got it together. | ||
| You know, like, especially in comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because there's so many people that we know that were like really talented. | ||
| Like they had something special and they just never followed through or they just died. | ||
| Or they couldn't deal with the rejection. | ||
| They couldn't deal with the bombing on stage. | ||
| They couldn't deal with the hours that you have to put in. | ||
| And they fell off. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| There was a lot of guys from the early days where I was like, man, this guy's going to be fucking huge. | ||
| You think there's more people that, like, if you started then versus now, would drop off? | ||
| Because again, like we were talking about with clips and just having more ways to be discovered or have more opportunities to have more of a chance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You had a very few chances back in the day. | ||
| The chances back in the day were real simple. | ||
| You had to either get on evening at the improv or the MTV half-hour comedy hour or Letterman. | ||
| Letterman was like the golden goose or the tonight show when Johnny Carson was running it. | ||
| If you got on the tonight show when Johnny Carson was running it, like you could legitimately have like a full career. | ||
| And that a career back then was a club comic. | ||
| A career was a touring club comic. | ||
| So you just named four opportunities. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's fucking really hard to get on to. | ||
| Well, the Letterman one was. | ||
| The ones that were easier to get on was like they filmed a lot of those MTV half-hour comedy hours. | ||
| So a lot of people got on those. | ||
| And you really only needed like seven minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So there was a lot of those. | ||
| And that helped. | ||
| And then so you could say, as seen on MTV's half-hour comedy hour, and someone comes to you at the comedy hut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then you're out there, you know, working. | ||
| But there wasn't a lot of things that could turn you into like an act that could draw on the road anywhere. | ||
| You were basically like, oh, this guy was on Comedy Central, so he must be funny. | ||
| Let's take a chance and go see him. | ||
| And then if you did it a bunch of times, you'd develop like a following in certain cities where people would come back to see you again because they had a good time last time. | ||
| But now, you know, all you have to do is just have a clip, and that clip goes viral. | ||
| And then you're selling out theaters like right away. | ||
| So it's definitely more opportunity for someone to pop. | ||
| And there was a lot of guys back then that had like great bits and they just fucking never got the show. | ||
| They never got this. | ||
| They developed an alcohol problem, whatever. | ||
| Wanted more consistent stability and maybe just wanted like income that was yeah, there's a lot of that too. | ||
| Or they get married and have a child and then the wife is like, hey, you need to get a regular fucking job. | ||
| This dream is crazy. | ||
| It's killing us. | ||
| You got to be home. | ||
| You know, you can't go out in the weekends every weekend and make $200. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, my brother-in-law was rapping and slinging weed. | ||
| And then they got my brother-in-law is a white rapper named Durte. | ||
| Shout out. | ||
| And he, my sister, when they got married, was like, yeah, you can't be doing like. | ||
| She didn't shut down the performing, but she was like, the drug stuff's got to. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We got kids. | ||
| You shouldn't be a drug. | ||
| People shouldn't be coming to the house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a daddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Good advice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sound advice from a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| She knows she cleaned them up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the dream of trying to make it in the rap world is probably just as hard, if not harder, than the dream of trying to make it in comedy, right? | ||
| He had a nice little run. | ||
| I let him close out our Seattle Dr. Phil live show. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We did like the Neptune up there, which is like 1,100 seats. | ||
| My nieces, who'd never get rapped? | ||
| How'd it go? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Awesome. | |
| He murdered. | ||
| Is he killer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull him up? | |
| Dirte, pull him up. | ||
| Let me hear it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Tell everybody where you're going to be. | ||
| Tell everybody how they can find you online. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On tour right now. | ||
| Clubs the rest of the year. | ||
| Last Dr. Phil Live at the Wiltern, December 16th. | ||
| I'm doing the Moore Theater in Seattle, first theater show home in Seattle, December 19th. | ||
| And then the theater tour, the Who Is Me Theater Tour starts in January, goes through April. | ||
| AdamRayComedy.com. | ||
| Specials, like and subscribe on YouTube where you are right now. | ||
| Adam Ray Comedy, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok. | ||
| Are you around tonight? | ||
| You want to do a set? | ||
| I'm leaving tonight. | ||
| Are you flying by? | ||
| Dude, I fucking love you. | ||
| I had a feeling you were going to ask, and I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm going to leave right after this. | ||
| But did you hear last night? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't know if I should bug you or just Adam. | ||
| Like, what's. | ||
| Oh, just text me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Anytime you're in town, you can do a set. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I love you too. | ||
| Thanks for having me. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| Always. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Always. | |
| And if anybody's ever seen Adam on Kill Tony, they literally are some of the funniest fucking episodes of all time. | ||
| Thanks, brother. | ||
| The Dr. Phil one's fantastic. | ||
| The Biden one's fantastic. | ||
| You're really good at it. | ||
| I appreciate it, man. | ||
| Yeah, you called me after the Tony app, which was really cool, man. | ||
| I thought it was a butt dial. | ||
| I picked it up and I was like, hello. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| I was dying. | ||
| I was like, oh, no. | ||
| I was watching it going, oh, no. | ||
| It was like, so dead on. | ||
| Did you know what's happening? | ||
| No, I had no idea. | ||
| You just had no idea. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| You don't go to all of them, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I had no idea that you should be talking. | ||
| You're just randomly there for that. | ||
| I thought he told you, and that's why you're there. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I come to a few. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've come to a bunch. | ||
| Yeah, but I know that one was awesome. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| See the man Joe. | ||
| Appreciate you, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Bye, everybody. |
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