Dec. 13, 2023 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:16:57
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| Fights are nuts because all cats will fight each other. | ||
| Like if they find each other out in the wild, they're never really cool with each other. | ||
| Oh, sometimes they are. | ||
| Sometimes if they're in the neighborhood. | ||
| They get buddies, yeah. | ||
| But don't they have to grow up together? | ||
| Yeah, it's like women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They hate each other. | |
| You ever notice how women don't have friends? | ||
| You know who hates women the most? | ||
| Women? | ||
| Girl power! | ||
| Who runs the world? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Girls. | |
| Who runs the world with Jews? | ||
| I bought you that book, by the way. | ||
| What about all those bridges? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who runs the world with Jews? | |
| No, the Lizzo book that I was saying in the picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I thought you were joking. | |
| Lizzo's got a book? | ||
| Is it a cookbook? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna read it. | |
| What was the book? | ||
| What did it say? | ||
| I... I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to hate part of this. | |
| Chicken Soup for the Soul? | ||
| I was like, I gotta buy this. | ||
| Chicken Soup for the Soul. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You actually bought that? | |
| Yes. | ||
| I gave you Bloodlands. | ||
| That sounds like a balance topper. | ||
| Bro, I can't even read that. | ||
| Oh, you mean the Lizzo way? | ||
| Yeah, that way. | ||
| 100% that book you need. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| I got you that. | ||
| Oh, you got me that? | ||
| Yeah, I'll bring it in. | ||
| I thought when she got in trouble, it would just... | ||
| Blow a hole through everything. | ||
| Ah, come on. | ||
| I thought when she, they were coming after her for bottom shaming. | ||
| You think you're gonna get a... | ||
| For what? | ||
| For being a diva? | ||
| Like, what was the worst thing she did? | ||
| I thought it was like, it would put an end to like, do you see the worst thing she did? | ||
| What's the worst thing she did? | ||
| Can we just enjoy... | ||
| She didn't do anything. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| She's innocent. | ||
| Also, for real. | ||
| I know it's like, Free Lizzo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Free Lizzo. | |
| Free Lizzo. | ||
| She didn't do shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She didn't do shit. | |
| What'd she do? | ||
| She didn't do shit. | ||
| What was her accusations? | ||
| Like, she made a performer show a banana for pussy or something? | ||
| Yeah, like, come on. | ||
| Normal shit. | ||
| Fucking baller shit, dude. | ||
| Those are rules. | ||
| Those are rules. | ||
| I've seen her. | ||
| Puts on a good concert. | ||
| She's good. | ||
| I've seen her. | ||
| Although I will say I was actually pissed when they made her twerk with, I think it was James Madison's flute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| It pissed me off. | ||
| Why? | ||
| It was just such a bullshit. | ||
| I kind of like it. | ||
| I think it symbolizes the time we're living in. | ||
| I think it does too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think the time sucks. | |
| Maybe, but maybe not. | ||
| It depends on your perspective. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| It's the most fun time to be alive. | ||
| Here's genuinely, it's like... | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I genuinely don't care about that guy's fucking flute. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| But I know why they're celebrating it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're like, yeah, yeah, in your fucking face. | ||
| And it's like, come on, dude. | ||
| The guy founded America? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what did you do wrong? | ||
| I know they don't give a fuck about history. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And by they, I mean white liberals. | ||
| She played a 200-year-old flute. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Man. | ||
| That was Zembic. | ||
| Yeah, I guess I don't give a fuck about it. | ||
| I have zero problem with that. | ||
| That could have been a replica. | ||
| She wasn't playing it, like, recklessly. | ||
| She's the only one who has track flow anymore. | ||
| Which is fine. | ||
| Imagine the street cred you would get if you spiked it and said, fuck white supremacy. | ||
| That would kill. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That would be the most polarizing moment in human history. | ||
| That would be big. | ||
| I'd be like, wow. | ||
| I'd be like, what the fuck? | ||
| For the record, I take back my opinion from one minute ago. | ||
| I still think it sucks. | ||
| The thing that does suck about it, though, is them covering it. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| They're covering it because they want you to be mad. | ||
| The Smithsonian was like, you play the flute. | ||
| You're a major performer. | ||
| We want you to play the flute. | ||
| So she did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But all she did is wriggle her butt a little. | |
| Is that the biggest problem we have? | ||
| There's fucking drone bombings in Yemen and invasion of Ukraine. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| That's where it gets confusing. | ||
| She did what she does. | ||
| First of all, she did it in her underwear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Costume. | ||
| I mean, look how she's dressed. | ||
| Go back to that, please. | ||
| Please? | ||
| Please. | ||
| I'm eating here. | ||
| Is the wiggling of the buttocks... | ||
| I take it back. | ||
| I mean, imagine if they approved that costume, so they approved this costume. | ||
| I take it all back. | ||
| She's gonna run for Senate. | ||
| Nah, I'm back. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| We're all over the place with this. | ||
| Can I hear how good she played it? | ||
| She's a good flautist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She is Wow She does love flute Keep that in mind. | |
| It would be funny if they were like, this is actually a Native American flute. | ||
| This is her instrument. | ||
| I take it all back. | ||
| Mark, now I take it back. | ||
| Now I'm back in. | ||
| I like what she did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who cares? | |
| I think it actually rules. | ||
| Her one instrument is the flute. | ||
| And she's like, I'm playing a president's my instrument. | ||
| And she did it well. | ||
| And so she fucking moved her body a little bit. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Joe, please. | ||
| While racists play dog whistles? | ||
| What is the problem? | ||
| What? | ||
| The problem people are having with Lizzo has nothing to do with the flute or history. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, Rex. | |
| It has everything to do with the fact that she's a black woman playing a flute that belonged to a slave owner. | ||
| Oh, shit, Rex. | ||
| Dude, what a good downer. | ||
| Can you write any positive stories? | ||
| Here's my take. | ||
| If you're a right-wing conservative person and you get mad at Lizzo playing the flute like that... | ||
| That's left-wing. | ||
| The left-wing people are mad at that? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He's mad at that we're playing a blood slave owner. | ||
| No, the right-wing people are mad that she played that. | ||
| The right-wing people are mad. | ||
| He's saying it's dog whistles. | ||
| Listen, he's saying that the right-wing people are mad. | ||
| He's saying the right-wing people are mad because she's playing the flute of a slave owner? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| Wouldn't left-wing be mad? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| She's playing the instrument of the enemy? | ||
| Yes, I hear what you're saying. | ||
| Why would it be the other way? | ||
| You could go that way, too. | ||
| Why would it be the other way? | ||
| Because the right-wing people are mad that she is being disrespectful. | ||
| The angel again! | ||
| The right-wing people are being mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Ari! | ||
| Angel Salazar! | ||
| No! | ||
| The Jews killed Jesus and an angel. | ||
| The right-wing people are mad because Lizzo is supposedly being disrespectful to a historical flute. | ||
| But clearly she's not being disrespectful at all. | ||
| She's loving the flute. | ||
| She's playing the flute. | ||
| It's got to be left-wing people mad. | ||
| She's holding it very carefully. | ||
| Yes, I agree with that. | ||
| She's playing it well. | ||
| It's got to be left-wing people mad. | ||
| No, it's right-wing people. | ||
| But she's being Lizzo while she's doing it. | ||
| If you're going to hire Lizzo to do it, What do you want her to do? | ||
| She's going to do what Lizzo does. | ||
| It's like Rosanna at the National Anthem. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I'm going to make sure. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lizzo. | |
| Lizzo. | ||
| We are Team Lizzo. | ||
| We're Team Lizzo. | ||
| Play Lizzo's fucking first song. | ||
| That was good. | ||
| We're Team Lizzo. | ||
| I stand behind her. | ||
| I just took a DNA test. | ||
| You just can't see me. | ||
| Minnesota Viking. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Shit, that's rules. | ||
| Yeah, this song fucking actually rules. | ||
| It rules. | ||
| Fat women are funny. | ||
| Don't get involved in the anger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just this song rules. | |
| Yes, Joe. | ||
| This is a good tune. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many views? | |
| Oh my god, you missed... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You almost broke my TV, you fucking idiot. | |
| How many views on this song? | ||
| There you go, perfect. | ||
| Five million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| You're surprised this lady made money to eat a banana? | ||
| This song slaps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a good song. | |
| Crazy that her backup dancers are mad at her. | ||
| She's fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's having fun. | |
| That's always how it works, little man. | ||
| That's always how it works. | ||
| Backup dancers always get upset. | ||
| But also, it's like, how do you run the thing? | ||
| If they're your backup dancers, how do you run the thing? | ||
| Do you run the thing like someone... | ||
| You know, who's a tyrant? | ||
| Do you run the thing like, are you a benevolent dictator? | ||
| How do you run that camp? | ||
| I know. | ||
| You gotta keep control of these ladies and look at them out of line. | ||
| Bad ladies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wasn't she saying they were losing weight? | |
| Also, who's she bringing with? | ||
| But there was also that show that she had. | ||
| You're a fat dancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Be lucky to be alive. | |
| Put those ladies on tour and their ankles couldn't sustain it. | ||
| Like, you're on tour now. | ||
| She had a show? | ||
| There they were on tour! | ||
| These ladies were dancing on tour. | ||
| Wasn't there like some kind of crazy thing? | ||
| My 600 pound life. | ||
| It was like a lot- No! | ||
| It was like these big girls that were dancing on tour. | ||
| There you go, they're big! | ||
| They were all blowing out MCLs and- Well that just looks like an airport. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn, look at that big dog back in the- An airport! | |
| These are big girls? | ||
| This just looks like- Look at the fucking- Saturday night at the club. | ||
| So they'd get out there and just- Wow. | ||
| You guys see the guy on the left? | ||
| Whoa, what's going on there? | ||
| Is that a guy? | ||
| Is this the California Panthers? | ||
| It's a fucking H Foley, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Sumo team. | ||
| It's an Ozemba kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| She's a fun lady. | ||
| Yeah, she's a fun lady. | ||
| We gotta get her on here. | ||
| I highly doubt she'd be interested in that. | ||
| I think she would. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think she would. | |
| I think she might stop herself, but she would be interested because she fucking rules. | ||
| Well, listen, man, if you watch all that, that's all fun to me. | ||
| I don't have any problem with the way she played that flute. | ||
| She was really good at it. | ||
| Good flute. | ||
| Who else is doing rock flute? | ||
| It went to the 70s, then nothing till today. | ||
| They also must have, like, Greenlit it. | ||
| It's not like it was her idea. | ||
| Of course they greenlit it. | ||
| They were saying it was fucking liberal-ass Smithsonian. | ||
| So they wanted it to happen because they wanted her to play the flute of a slave owner? | ||
| No, a president. | ||
| Yes, they did. | ||
| Yeah, they wanted to be like, we did it. | ||
| But kind of didn't they do it? | ||
| Isn't that okay to celebrate? | ||
| Isn't that a weird thing? | ||
| I know. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| It is a weird thing. | ||
| It's kind of pretty badass. | ||
| One of the most famous black artists is playing a flute of a guy who owns slaves. | ||
| That's the most American thing possible. | ||
| It's pretty fucking American. | ||
| Imagine being at the concert and this guy's playing a fucking president's flute and you hear the audience go, I don't know how I feel about this. | ||
| Instead of going, this rules. | ||
| Yeah, but then I saw it on Twitter, and I had a couple drinks, and I was looking at it, and I was going, I don't know how I feel about this. | ||
| I thought the show would have been like, I was at the show where she played the fucking president's flute. | ||
| That is cool. | ||
| They're not doing that in Germany. | ||
| They're not doing it in Germany. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're not playing Bobby Weinstein. | |
| It really all depends upon your fucking harmonica. | ||
| He's just doing the fucking Imperial March. | ||
| Although I will say, if some Jew ripped a fucking electric guitar that Hitler owned, it would be cool. | ||
| Like, if somebody let Paul McCartney play Napoleon's piano, that would be pretty fucking dope to watch. | ||
| Wait, did he attack us? | ||
| Napoleon? | ||
| I don't think he ever touched America. | ||
| The Beatles took over America. | ||
| They took America's youth. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Well, they stole black rock and roll and then they came over here and corrupted our sluts. | ||
| Oh, the British? | ||
| The Beatles? | ||
| Bro, their fucking story from Hamburg is like one of the wildest stories ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They went over to Hamburg, Germany, and they played like six days a week, eight hours a day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eight clubs. | ||
| In small clubs. | ||
| For like two years. | ||
| And they came back to Liverpool, and everybody's like, what the fuck happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hey. | ||
| How are you guys so good? | ||
| They got good. | ||
| If you drink that, I'm gonna punch you in the stomach. | ||
| Water? | ||
| You don't like what you drink from water? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing, man? | |
| What are you doing, man? | ||
| That's a studio! | ||
| That's stolen from a stream somewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you, pouring that out for the Hamas people? | |
| Don't do it. | ||
| What are you doing now? | ||
| Ari, don't piss in that. | ||
| Go to the bathroom. | ||
| I will. | ||
| Go to the bathroom. | ||
| Ari, come on! | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Ew, your piss is so yellow. | ||
| It's really leveled up. | ||
| This is so unnecessary. | ||
| You're so unhydrated. | ||
| I know that's not vitamins. | ||
| This is way worse than Lizzo. | ||
| Okay, squeeze it. | ||
| Now get out of here. | ||
| Put it down. | ||
| Ari, you gotta top it off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's top it off! | |
| We're popping it off like we're at a gas station. | ||
| Jamie, I hope you're getting a zoom on this. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Cut this out. | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| Blur that out with Asian porn. | ||
| Zoom on this Semitic head. | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| Because I had to fucking pee. | ||
| I didn't know how much I had. | ||
| Why don't you just go out? | ||
| No, don't piss in the fucking not buffalo face. | ||
| You're not going to make it. | ||
| It's also a small hole. | ||
| You're going to make a problem. | ||
| I've done this plenty of times. | ||
| Now I agree with Dr. Gay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is fucked up, dude. | ||
| This is horrible. | ||
| I have to pee, too. | ||
| You're ruining Harvard. | ||
| I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna go... | ||
| I beat you fatty on the piss. | ||
| Joe, he thought it was a competition. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| He's saying he's gonna beat you. | ||
| That's a lot of urine. | ||
| I got out urine. | ||
| There's more urine than I expected, I'll be honest. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I can go longer without peeing. | ||
| You could, or we could both die trying. | ||
| Why don't you actually drink this time? | ||
| I've had six of these. | ||
| I've had three beers. | ||
| Well, now you gotta hold it. | ||
| The competition's all ruined, because Ari just pissed in front of us. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Why'd you do that? | ||
| Because he's a psycho. | ||
| I've seen Ari piss more than I've seen any other man piss in the entire 56 years I've been alive. | ||
| You should've seen no one piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've seen Ari piss on air. | |
| It's like you had a pie chart of all times I've seen Ari piss. | ||
| It would be like Ari and a few fucking drunken shadows in the back alleyway of a bar where a bunch of guys are pissing together. | ||
| You're Ari Kelly. | ||
| It would mostly be Ari pissing. | ||
| It's just easier. | ||
| You can piss. | ||
| It's not easier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari's like, what are you in the bathroom right here? | |
| What are you in the bathroom right here? | ||
| Did I piss in my own house in a bottle? | ||
| The other day I had to pee and I was leaving. | ||
| I was like, it is kind of a good point. | ||
| I have to do all this all. | ||
| Yeah, I finally saw it. | ||
| You finally saw it. | ||
| You got a point. | ||
| I can't get what you're saying. | ||
| The piss tapes. | ||
| You know who has a good is, Stanhope has a urinal right outside of his bar in his house. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, his house. | ||
| It's literally a urinal attack. | ||
| There's no piping. | ||
| It's just to the fence that goes outside. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good one. | ||
| I hope he's alright, though. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| I think he's doing good. | ||
| Is he cutting back a little? | ||
| I think he cut back. | ||
| That's not him. | ||
| That's not him. | ||
| Stay on it. | ||
| Your better days. | ||
| I think he chilled on smoking cigs, right? | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| And then somebody just told me he killed. | ||
| Yes, he opened up for Burt in Worcester. | ||
| He went out there as the mayor of Worcester. | ||
| That's his hometown, I believe. | ||
| Burt said he destroyed. | ||
| Yeah, so he's like Worcester stand-up. | ||
| He's like Worcester material. | ||
| Just material for Worcester. | ||
| I love him to death. | ||
| Oh, stand-up rules. | ||
| He pissed on me one time. | ||
| He's one of my favorite people that I've ever known. | ||
| He's fully pissed on my fucking... | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's the mayor of Wester. | ||
| Yeah, he looks good. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| He's got some of the best stand-up, like, just over the years. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The one... | ||
| No refunds. | ||
| He's got great points. | ||
| No refunds is like a... | ||
| I saw him at King King in Hollywood, and he goes, you know, I make fun of everybody. | ||
| People ask me, like, how come no one makes fun of Jews? | ||
| And I thought about it, and I was like, I mean, that's a decent point. | ||
| Here's 35 minutes on Jews. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That Jew Chunk is incredible. | ||
| It's a masterpiece. | ||
| The what? | ||
| The Jew Chunk, yes. | ||
| Yeah, oh my god. | ||
| He's just a real deal. | ||
| He's a great comic. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| What you see is what you get. | ||
| There's no hidden bullshit. | ||
| He is who he is 24-7. | ||
| Fashion-wise, I love it. | ||
| He went silly. | ||
| And he went silly in our lifetime. | ||
| It happened someday. | ||
| One day he started wearing these suits. | ||
| And I'm like, what are you doing with the suits? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, I fucking went to the thrift store. | |
| I got some suits. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like it too. | ||
| He's just saying, hey guys, I'm not going to take any of this seriously. | ||
| Yeah, I'm having fun. | ||
| I won't do it. | ||
| He's having fun. | ||
| He sold out when I started comedy. | ||
| The internet was still weird, but he was all over it. | ||
| And he couldn't get a thing on Netflix or whatever, and he just sold out all these theaters in New York, and we all went to every show. | ||
| And it was great, but I didn't know you could do that. | ||
| You needed gatekeepers back then. | ||
| You needed to get Comedy Central or Tonight Show. | ||
| Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Well, somewhere along the line, people realize that they can become the gatekeepers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's what we're doing. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Well, he had an offer for San Jose Improv, like, we'll give you $20,500 for the week. | ||
| He goes, I can do that one night at a bar show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then he goes, oh, wait, I can do that one night at a bar show. | ||
| Yeah, and then he started doing that everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, I'll just do that. | ||
| Yeah, and he got a mailing list. | ||
| And he also just stayed himself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No matter what happened, he just stayed himself. | ||
| He figured out a way to stay himself. | ||
| And not everybody does, man. | ||
| We were talking about this last night, like negative examples. | ||
| People just went off the rails. | ||
| Off the rails. | ||
| It's just like you gotta figure out a way to go through all whatever the fuck you're going through and say, okay, this is what's happening to me, but I'm still me. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And some guys can't do it, man. | ||
| Yeah, they try to be something. | ||
| You get a brand going. | ||
| You gotta keep it up, and you can't keep it up forever. | ||
| That's so exhausting. | ||
| Why are you in a brand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get it, but it's like... | |
| You just piss in a bottle. | ||
| It's your brand, dumbass. | ||
| Why'd you go to the bathroom without pissing bottles? | ||
| It's your brand, dumbass! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, what are you talking about? | |
| That is your thing, but it's a smart brand. | ||
| Pull out the plastic one. | ||
| That's way more impressive. | ||
| If you drink it, you'll be the king of Skankfest. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| No, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| God, I was terrified. | ||
| I almost vomited. | ||
| Imagine if you drank it. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's been the ice. | |
| It's still fucking hot. | ||
| This guy should drink it. | ||
| The guy who did the baby bird, he would have drank it. | ||
| He goes, I'll eat all this if I get an internship job for free! | ||
| I'm going to make money! | ||
| He was already an intern. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| I thought he was going to hire an intern. | ||
| There was nothing to gain. | ||
| Nothing to gain. | ||
| And he got the props. | ||
| He's a legend. | ||
| Your brand is this. | ||
| You've got to be this because you're already 71. So you've got to be this guy all the way. | ||
| You want to go pee with me, Norman? | ||
| No, no, I'm here. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| I'll go pee with you. | ||
| I'm very comfortable. | ||
| You win. | ||
| Clipping. | ||
| You know what's fun? | ||
| Fucking acid Joe Rogan. | ||
| He was so nice. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| He literally, we were standing there with Jamie, and he was like, Jamie's the best. | ||
| You remember that, Jamie? | ||
| I didn't hear that. | ||
| Jamie, you went home and jacked off to that compliment. | ||
| Jamie, how hard did you jack off, dude? | ||
| On a scale of 7 to 10. Just last night or today? | ||
| Just last night about it. | ||
| Jamie, ooh, low-key funny. | ||
| Low-key. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Gate bump. | ||
| Jamie, you are such a bitch, dude. | ||
| Now that Joe's not here, I'm going to tell you the truth. | ||
| I hate you. | ||
| This ass is going to get deleted. | ||
| Now that Joe's not here, I'm going to tell you the truth. | ||
| I fucking hate you. | ||
| I heard you're a virgin. | ||
| Can't get it up. | ||
| Jamie, you got a little bitch, tiny penis, dude. | ||
| Did you see that fucking... | ||
| Keep it going, bully. | ||
| Shut up, dude. | ||
| You're fucking Dr. Gay, dude. | ||
| They keep bullying me. | ||
| I don't bully you, dude. | ||
| You and me are friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's gonna shoot up a school. | |
| He's like a real FSU fan over here. | ||
| Oh, F you! | ||
| No, they deserve to be in. | ||
| He's an Ohio State fan. | ||
| Yeah, we don't deserve to be in. | ||
| He tried to bully me. | ||
| He bullied me earlier in the football season because he knows I like Notre Dame Fighting Irish. | ||
| And then he tried to bully me and then his team got puffed out in front of everybody. | ||
| Everybody laughed at them. | ||
| The Seattle Storm? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This year I'm a Michigan football fan. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, this year. | ||
| That's funny, because they are literally the Jewish team. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of Jews go to Michigan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's the Jewish team. | ||
| A lot of Jews go there. | ||
| I'm also a Tottenham Hotspurs fan. | ||
| The ultimate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I was in Edinburgh. | ||
| They're like, you've got to start watching Football League. | ||
| And they're like, what team? | ||
| Arsenal. | ||
| And somebody goes, no, Tottenham. | ||
| They're like, yeah, Tottenham is right. | ||
| Tottenham. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially with that beard. | ||
| Yet Army, what's up? | ||
| Callum a Jew. | ||
| What'd I miss? | ||
| Not much. | ||
| We're talking about how cool you are, Nassid. | ||
| Jamie's a bitch. | ||
| No, we were just supporting Jamo. | ||
| Shane's starting to get real nasty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a good thing you can't. | |
| Shane was getting nasty. | ||
| I was not getting nasty. | ||
| Shane claims nastiness in others a lot, but he's quite often nasty. | ||
| Do you think YouTube would allow us to show piss on your desk? | ||
| Yeah, just gotta cover the dickhead. | ||
| We'll make it as the seventh day of Hanukkah. | ||
| Oh, don't be sacrilegious. | ||
| Please don't be sacrilegious. | ||
| Menorah. | ||
| Labia Majora. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I have to handle your piss bottle. | |
| Thank God for plastics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so warm, you're gonna die real soon. | |
| Whatever's going on inside, you can't be fixed by science. | ||
| That could be chlamydia. | ||
| Bro, it's everything. | ||
| I peed in a cup once, they were like, you have it. | ||
| They just felt the cup. | ||
| Scarlet letter C's in a fucking window. | ||
| How'd they know? | ||
| They were like, this is too warm to be healthy. | ||
| Chlamydia. | ||
| That's legit boiling piss. | ||
| Boiling. | ||
| Remember when you first got committee and you're pissing in two directions, you're like, something's up. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I never got it. | ||
| Honorable discharge. | ||
| You'll get it. | ||
| How weird is it? | ||
| It's going on. | ||
| Steaming right along. | ||
| How weird is it that there's diseases that can only be transmitted through sex? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| AIDS? That's God. | ||
| No, that's other ones. | ||
| No, AIDS. AIDS, chlamydia, herpes. | ||
| But no, that's needles, too. | ||
| I'll quote Sam Kennison. | ||
| Name one. | ||
| Well, you got chlamydia, gonorrhea. | ||
| They say it's an infectious disease. | ||
| Chlamydia, gonorrhea, HPV, herpes, AIDS. Are we just naming STDs? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| But the wild ones are the ones that kill you, like syphilis kills. | ||
| Syphilis. | ||
| Slowly. | ||
| It makes you have holes in your face and you see your fucking jawbone. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet it was worth it though. | |
| Syphilis was the one they brought back from Native Americans. | ||
| That's the one that fucked up your- Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They had it? | ||
| Yeah, what happened was they had a There was a form of it that existed in Europe from people fucking animals, but then they got another one when people went over to North America and they fucked Native Americans. | ||
| It was a combo. | ||
| And then they went back and brought it to Europe. | ||
| There seems to be some real evidence in the 1400s that started happening right after guys went back from North America. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And people started getting like holes in their head and shit. | ||
| They have holes in their faces. | ||
| There's like these really ancient drawings of what people looked like when they were suffering from syphilis. | ||
| Ooh, it's scary, dude. | ||
| Imagine fucking a hot Choctaw back then, though. | ||
| That one must have been hot. | ||
| You speak the same language. | ||
| You're just banging some lady in a teepee. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| And then you get some disease that makes holes in your fucking scalp. | ||
| Yikes! | ||
| Show images of people dying from syphilis, Jamie. | ||
| Like the holes in their head. | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| Take the piss jug? | ||
| I just ruled him. | ||
| I didn't know you could get a STD from a Native American. | ||
| And again, I'm not exactly sure about the simplest thing. | ||
| I've been told two different things. | ||
| I've been told that it existed already, but then I've been told that it's also different strains, that the one that existed in Europe was very different than the one that existed in North America. | ||
| Imagine, instead of going to the fucking doctor at the Bob Hope Clinic, you'd have to take a rod down your fucking cock hole. | ||
| And they didn't have antibiotics back then. | ||
| And guys are still going for it! | ||
| Guys are still like, I'd rather not use a comic. | ||
| Look at the holes on people's faces. | ||
| What? | ||
| Imagine going to church with that in your face. | ||
| Nah, it's from a toilet seat. | ||
| This is also how Al Capone died. | ||
| Al Capone died of syphilis. | ||
| Rotted his brain. | ||
| Jamie, show photographs of people dying from syphilis. | ||
| It's fucking terrifying, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It makes you rot holes in your fucking head. | ||
| And now we got penicillin. | ||
| Look at that guy's head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the top of his fucking head, man. | |
| That's what Crocodile does. | ||
| Yeah, real similar. | ||
| Crocodile. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Russian drug. | ||
| It eats away at your skin. | ||
| - Look at that guy's fucking face is gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- Wow. | |
| - It's a kid. - What are you gonna go, why dress up? | ||
| Why even wear a button-down shirt? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're gonna have that. - God, that's so terrifying. - What else are you gonna wear a t-shirt? - That's a terrifying decision. | |
| How did the kid get it? | ||
| There's a bunch of diseases that before things like penicillin, they just killed everyone. | ||
| They just killed you. | ||
| Before they came up with antibiotics, people were fucked. | ||
| Do you know that if the Spanish flu happened today, that they would be able to cure all of it with antibiotics? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I was listening to this podcast. | ||
| They were discussing what was the cause of the death of the Spanish flu. | ||
| And it was a bunch of different diseases that would be also caused by this compromised immune system from the flu. | ||
| You're getting devastated by the flu, and then you get emphysema or tuberculosis or something like that. | ||
| But they were saying that whatever these diseases were, in a modern hospital setting, if you came and you had them, they'd give you antibiotics, and you'd probably survive. | ||
| Do you think I'd be with COVID a hundred years from now? | ||
| Like, just give them, like, muscle, total, that doesn't mean... | ||
| Well, the Spanish flu would just kill everybody. | ||
| The COVID thing, there was a lot going on. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying, wouldn't they have some new medical thing? | ||
| They're like, oh, you just give them a shot of this. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| They definitely would. | ||
| But it also would be like, why was everybody so sick? | ||
| Why was everybody so vulnerable? | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| We're lucky to be alive now and in this country. | ||
| Dude, we're also, we, like, what the COVID thing should wake people the fuck up to is that this whole thing is super fragile. | ||
| And you think it's not because it's not right now. | ||
| Because right now Ari can cough and I can fucking unzip my, or pull my fucking cord and adjust my seat and everything's fine. | ||
| But if right while all this is going on, we got hit by an asteroid, like, right now. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. | ||
| All your safety. | ||
| I just did ten push-ups. | ||
| I ain't gonna help you now. | ||
| We could just be chilling, and you could just hear a subtle boom in the distance, like, boom. | ||
| And that's a five-mile-wide chunk of iron hitting China. | ||
| And then the whole world is fucked. | ||
| The whole world is fucked for a million years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we probably don't survive. | ||
| And what probably survives is crows. | ||
| Crows probably evolve and crows grow thumbs and their wings start having hands on them and they start making buildings. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just like humans came out of shrews. | ||
| I was just in Yucatan, and they said the whole Gulf of Mexico was just the comet. | ||
| You didn't know that, you stupid idiot? | ||
| And then all the cenotes... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't know that you stupid idiot? | |
| You didn't know that already? | ||
| I didn't know that at all. | ||
| You fucking dumbass. | ||
| Fucking shit, James. | ||
| Yeah, that was just a theory until, like, I think the 80s. | ||
| I think if you look at a fucking map... | ||
| It's obvious? | ||
| Kinda. | ||
| Yeah, but they had to figure out things like core samples and shit. | ||
| They had to figure out iridium. | ||
| Iridium's the big one. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| We haven't had a... | ||
| Stop doing that, dude. | ||
| Everybody's gonna use that. | ||
| Or a comet. | ||
| We haven't had a mile, but it's inevitable. | ||
| It's not like boys dick, you little rabbit. | ||
| No, it's 100% inevitable. | ||
| Just come. | ||
| Just get us already. | ||
| Well, the thing is, it's like every June and every September, we go... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The Leonid Comet Showers? | ||
| We go through these things. | ||
| Every June or every November, I think it is. | ||
| How was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It hurts. | |
| America is the best country on Earth. | ||
| It hurts the throat. | ||
| Yeah, it hurts the throat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so cold. | |
| Can you imagine how gay you'd feel if you were from another fucking country? | ||
| Well, if we did this podcast in Canada, we'd be in jail. | ||
| Straight jail. | ||
| Straight up jail. | ||
| You imagine how pissed the Taliban would be if we were in Afghanistan and having fun like this? | ||
| America! | ||
| The rest and the right would hate us. | ||
| They hate our freedoms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If we were in Afghanistan doing this, first of all, you cussed. | ||
| They must watch our porn and be like, this is pretty good. | ||
| You promoted a woman. | ||
| Shit goes sideways. | ||
| What if Saudi Arabia steps in and buys to protect our parks? | ||
| People that put on the Francis Ngato, Tyson Fury fight, they step in and go, listen guys, America has fallen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can either accept that and move to a place where we have zero crime. | |
| Let's go to Dubai. | ||
| Give me those glasses back. | ||
| You accept that move to a place where we have zero crime. | ||
| Did you switch already? | ||
| Are you guys switching glasses like little gaylords? | ||
| Have I been wearing them the whole time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You didn't switch. | ||
| Am I retarded? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I think I'm just retarded. | ||
| I got these from your house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Guys, Saudi Arabia. | ||
| I bid I perform for the troops. | ||
| Best golf in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Saudi Arabia is the best. | |
| Number one. | ||
| UAE, I'm with you. | ||
| Saudi Arabia is number one. | ||
| That place is a bummer. | ||
| Joe Biden agrees. | ||
| I went there and it's just sand and murals. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Murals of weird guys in turbans and shit. | ||
| It was a real bummer. | ||
| It was sad. | ||
| Jesus Christ, you just ruined our deal with Netflix. | ||
| We're trying to go to Saudi Arabia. | ||
| I was performing for the troops. | ||
| That's even worse, dude. | ||
| We've got to start supporting... | ||
| It was the Taliban. | ||
| Yeah, there we go. | ||
| We've got to start supporting those guys, because we're going to have to make the jump, dude. | ||
| America's dead. | ||
| The move is we need to get in the oil business. | ||
| Gotta get in oil. | ||
| We gotta start drilling. | ||
| That's where it's all at. | ||
| Protect our parks oil. | ||
| Imagine we have Protect Our Parks gas stations. | ||
| How many bros would only get their gas at Protect Our Parks gas stations? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine? | |
| That's when they would all arrest us. | ||
| If we branched off into gas stations, they'd be like, hey, fuckers. | ||
| We get one stripper, we keep them. | ||
| There's a stripper inside the gas station. | ||
| She's dancing on the pole. | ||
| I would go. | ||
| It would just be Mark doing puns. | ||
| That's what it would be. | ||
| Every guy named Philip filling up would go fill her up. | ||
| Metal hologram Mark going, gas! | ||
| Fart. | ||
| Gas station. | ||
| Gas station. | ||
| What's that, Lizzo's butt? | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Gotta use that for real. | ||
| Gas station. | ||
| That's what killed Ari's family. | ||
| Is this the only time in your life where you can't really predict what the world's gonna be like in two years? | ||
| You can't anymore. | ||
| It's so fast now. | ||
| It's so fast now. | ||
| 90s fashion's back. | ||
| Soon, like, seven years ago fashion will be back. | ||
| You're excited about the fashion? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Everything goes faster and faster. | ||
| 70s was in five years ago. | ||
| Then 80s, then 90s. | ||
| But it makes you wonder, are kids younger than us, really young, going to go the other way? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And go, hey, we should, uh... | ||
| Oh, they're off Instagram. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Yeah, they're like, this sucks. | ||
| Everybody's angry at each other. | ||
| I think they like it. | ||
| Let's not work. | ||
| Let's go out and fucking hike. | ||
| Are you one of those guys that has, like, idealistic views of the younger generation? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because that's, like, the gayest version of dudes possible. | ||
| Gen Alpha. | ||
| Like, this next generation's gonna save us. | ||
| The next generation always blows. | ||
| Millennials sucked. | ||
| Well, there's gotta be one good one. | ||
| The next one that was like, hey, our fucking older sisters sucked. | ||
| Let's do something different. | ||
| We're due for a fun group. | ||
| We're due for a good one. | ||
| We're in due for a fun group. | ||
| Drinking during 9-11. | ||
| Forget about this idea of generations, but just a collective group of human beings is only pushed to action when they have to be. | ||
| And if everything collapses, and if the corruption and the chaos is so bad that you don't feel safe ever, then we'll do something. | ||
| But every step before that, you get more and more cowards that figure out a way to just... | ||
| Yeah, hard guys make soft dicks. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Hard guys make soft dicks. | ||
| Soft dicks make hard guys. | ||
| Ah, that's it! | ||
| You know, this is like a fucking cycle of nature. | ||
| They talked about this in the ancient Hindu texts and the Vedas. | ||
| This is the Kali Yuga. | ||
| This is the age of confusion. | ||
| It's like they figured it out a long time ago. | ||
| These are like these times where people are working towards something and then they achieve it and they get too successful and things get weird and strife. | ||
| And then they start creating their own bullshit and not appreciating anything, and not practicing gratitude, and it all fucking comes tumbling down with greed and deception. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, we've accepted this already, now what's wrong? | ||
| Instead of going, hey, it's pretty great, huh? | ||
| At least we get to talk about it. | ||
| We get to talk about the hard times. | ||
| Because in Gaza Strip, they're not bringing up gender. | ||
| Yeah, they're not at all. | ||
| Very good point. | ||
| Very good point. | ||
| But they're also... | ||
| They're also not very divided on whether or not kill all the Jews is okay to say. | ||
| I'll be honest, if I was a guy in Gaza and they blew up a fucking block of a city, I'd go, it's time to kill all the Jews. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I mean, I'm close anyway, and nothing's happened to me. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I do that in Brooklyn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You already hate me. | |
| Isn't it crazy? | ||
| He's like, I met one and he ain't great. | ||
| I'm just joking. | ||
| For the record, I'm just joking around. | ||
| We're comedians. | ||
| You are the creator and founder of Shroomfest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, true. | |
| And isn't it kind of amazing that there really is a solution? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just take some mushrooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To world conflict. | |
| To realize the solution to world conflict. | ||
| If we really made every world leader, if they all got together, and, you know, we obviously wouldn't have the security do it. | ||
| Everybody come together. | ||
| It can't be the whole world. | ||
| They have to be protected. | ||
| Otherwise, it'd be bad actors who'd take advantage of the fact that we were trapped somewhere, something. | ||
| You guys love camp. | ||
| Make them all do it. | ||
| Do mushrooms. | ||
| Have a good time. | ||
| Everything's safe. | ||
| Mushwits. | ||
| And then have someone talk to you about things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're going to have some speakers, do mushrooms the whole weekend. | ||
| And have some really calm people talk to you about alternative ideas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's July 21st weekend this year. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I think. | ||
| When did you start it, Ari? | ||
| Ten years ago, maybe. | ||
| Jamie? | ||
| Jamie, play cool music. | ||
| You should keep that folder always open when this party's gone. | ||
| Actually, play Christmas music. | ||
| Oh, America, fuck yeah. | ||
| I know, America, fuck yeah, but also this is the holiday edition. | ||
| It is a Christmas episode. | ||
| So maybe we should start bonging beers for America, also Christmas. | ||
| What song? | ||
| We got a poinsettia here. | ||
| It's jolly, jolly Christmas. | ||
| Whoever's bonging gets to pick the wonderful Christmas song. | ||
| Doesn't Mariah Carey have a Christmas song? | ||
| You're gonna have to pay for that one. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| She'll be mad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's yours? | ||
| Okay, who else? | ||
| No, that's it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I was singing. | ||
| Will we get in trouble for that one, Jamie? | ||
| I like the waitresses also. | ||
| Will they come for us? | ||
| I'm skipping. | ||
| Yeah, this is good. | ||
| It's an ad. | ||
| This is an ad. | ||
| It sounded nice. | ||
| You guys can't get the ad free. | ||
| We were talking about this last night. | ||
| When I was a kid, I'd get mad at people. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Bonging the beard of this is very fun. | ||
| This is kind of nice. | ||
| This is fun. | ||
| She was a hot whore. | ||
| Wait for the drop, then bong it. | ||
| Oh, look at the midget. | ||
| They had a hot midget in there? | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| I didn't remember a hot midget. | ||
| I don't remember a hot midget. | ||
| Oh, there's another hot midget. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Nick Cannon fucked her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does she, uh... | |
| What? | ||
| Nick Cannon used to fuck her. | ||
| Mike Cannon. | ||
| Nick Cannon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mike Cannon used to fuck Katy Perry. | |
| Joe, drop's coming. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| This is when it kicks in. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| Yes, dude. | ||
| This is the most played Christmas song of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shotgun! | |
| Shotgun! | ||
| Happy holidays, everybody! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fun! | |
| That's fun! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's keep doing it. | |
| Let's keep doing it. | ||
| Listen to this song. | ||
| This song is fun. | ||
| It's killer. | ||
| Play it all in the background. | ||
| Play it all the way out the back. | ||
| Goddamn, she was hot. | ||
| What a body she had. | ||
| I think she's interracial. | ||
| Yeah, you think? | ||
| She's human, bro. | ||
| That's a hot human. | ||
| Stop messing with details. | ||
| Ooh, I think P. Diddy was up in that for a hot minute. | ||
| P. Diddy fucked Mariah Carey? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'll tell you what, it turns out P. Diddy fucked a lot of boys. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| That's the rumor. | ||
| Allegedly is the word. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Bro, no one's funnier about P. Diddy than 50 Cent. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| 50 Cent is a savage. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He goes after everybody. | ||
| He's rich, and he doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Nat Kinkle. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Yeah, 50 Cent doesn't care. | ||
| He's out. | ||
| Pull up the 50 Cent. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| Yeah, why are you distracting us from 57? | ||
| I'm sorry, I'm sorry. | ||
| 50 rules. | ||
| I just wanted to chug. | ||
| 50's hilarious. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| Why don't you subscribe to the premium? | ||
| I do have it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never gotten this. | |
| Come on! | ||
| This is like when you fucking roll with Pandora and the ad comes on. | ||
| Pandora! | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| Me, undies. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's hit WYX at their point. | |
| Oh, look at that guy. | ||
| Wait for the drop. | ||
| Guys, this is your Christmas. | ||
| And this is back when black folk weren't allowed to do stuff. | ||
| This is a duet with John Legend. | ||
| Aw, that's a new version! | ||
| This is not what I want, dude. | ||
| Give me the original! | ||
| Maybe it's good. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure it's awesome. | ||
| Are you allowed to play any Spotify song here? | ||
| You better be. | ||
| We don't even know. | ||
| You should have a Spotify account. | ||
| Let me be honest with you. | ||
| While I'm drunk, the only way to do this properly is to not pay attention. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| James Brown. | ||
| I pay attention to almost nothing. | ||
| You gotta head to Spotify. | ||
| They fired Meghan Markle, Bruce Springsteen, Obama, and Kardashian. | ||
| Obama. | ||
| Yeah, but they also hired them. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Yeah, well, they took a shot. | ||
| They thought it was a moneymaker. | ||
| They need someone... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can we just enjoy the holiday season? | |
| ...to tell them... | ||
| We are! | ||
| We got a poinsettia here. | ||
| Can we enjoy it? | ||
| The thing about podcasts... | ||
| This is important. | ||
| It's not as easy as it seems. | ||
| It's like stand-up. | ||
| And in stand-up, people are talking. | ||
| And you're like, I can talk. | ||
| I see Ari on stage. | ||
| He's talking. | ||
| Everyone's laughing. | ||
| I can talk, too. | ||
| I think I can do... | ||
| No, it's not a stretch. | ||
| Just like being a doctor. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| I've been already getting laughs. | ||
| Genuinely, I watch it. | ||
| I watch Ori on stage and I go, I can do that. | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
| I've never seen somebody on stage more that I've been like, wait, him? | ||
| I can grow a beard. | ||
| I'll do that. | ||
| Oh my god, I inhaled cigar. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Do not inhale. | ||
| I laughed too hard. | ||
| Dr. Gay over there. | ||
| Dr. Gay, she's so gay too. | ||
| I laughed too hard. | ||
| She was so fucking gay. | ||
| I can't believe I took in cigar smoke. | ||
| Come on, you've taken in worse. | ||
| Is that a punchline? | ||
| I dropped my left hand. | ||
| What were we just talking about? | ||
| The best song is Sandler. | ||
| Adam Sandler's Hanukkah or The Waitress's Christmas, rather. | ||
| Nah, you gotta go Sandler. | ||
| Oh, Sandler for Hanukkah. | ||
| That's a classic. | ||
| Sandler's the fucking man. | ||
| I love Sandler. | ||
| We never discuss it. | ||
| I think Sandler might be the goat. | ||
| He might be the goat. | ||
| He might be the goat. | ||
| I just ran into him when I went to New York for the UFC. I landed at the airport right when he was about to leave. | ||
| And I ran into him. | ||
| That guy's the fucking man. | ||
| He might be the coolest. | ||
| He's so genuinely nice. | ||
| Sandler is so genuinely nice. | ||
| He used to come to Swartzen parties and just hang out, just be chill. | ||
| I've known that guy for, fuck, I don't even know now. | ||
| More than 20 years. | ||
| He never got serious. | ||
| He's always been so genuinely nice. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| My daughter loves him. | ||
| During the pandemic, we watched a bunch of his movies. | ||
| Crazy fucking penguin. | ||
| Everybody hits penguins. | ||
| Shut up, Ari. | ||
| He's telling a story. | ||
| During the pandemic, when everybody got locked in their houses for fucking two months, remember those days? | ||
| Pandemic. | ||
| We watched nothing but Adam Sandler movies because it was something that I would enjoy and they would enjoy. | ||
| We'd all enjoy it together. | ||
| So we watched everything. | ||
| We watched Waterboy. | ||
| We watched everything. | ||
| Waterboy might be number one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Billy Madison. | |
| Billy Madison is the shit, dude. | ||
| Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. | ||
| Everybody's number one, too. | ||
| Happy Gilmore is the shit. | ||
| True Gilmore. | ||
| True connoisseur? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Waterboy. | ||
| You can't beat it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Waterboy. | |
| But they're all at the same level. | ||
| Vicky Valencourt. | ||
| You know who's not a fan is the Harvard president. | ||
| Hamas. | ||
| Hamas hates Waterboy. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Death to Adam Sandler. | ||
| I don't want to get involved. | ||
| That's what controls the Waterboy. | ||
| But here's the crazy thing. | ||
| If you look at the reviews, like professional critics. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| If professional critics review Adam Sandler movies, they're horrible about it. | ||
| You're so wrong. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| It's stupid and silly. | ||
| If you don't like the Zohan, if you can't watch that movie and laugh your fucking ass off, then... | ||
| Which is about the conflict, by the way. | ||
| We're not looking at the same thing. | ||
| You can't pretend this is fucking apocalypse now. | ||
| You're either on the side of funny or against funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| If you don't like Hubie Halloween, you are the dumbest motherfucker of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hubie Halloween is so fucking good. | |
| It's amazing! | ||
| He's fun! | ||
| Hey, Jews! | ||
| That's good for the Jews. | ||
| That's all you, Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's been a while since you guys called it W. Well, they're doing alright in business. | |
| But everything else is not great. | ||
| Athletics. | ||
| That was a good win. | ||
| My management team. | ||
| Yeah, same. | ||
| If you're doing well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get a good Jew. | |
| Susan Sarandon got a nice taste of a little dreidel up her ass. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| She got fired. | ||
| For what? | ||
| She got let go for making some Hamas stuff. | ||
| Let go from what? | ||
| Being old? | ||
| Oh god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, everybody wants to be a fucking political activist. | |
| Just stay out of it. | ||
| Just be like Sandler. | ||
| Just stay the fuck out of it. | ||
| He stays out. | ||
| Stays out. | ||
| He just keeps making fun stuff. | ||
| Making fun stuff always. | ||
| You're either on the side of funny, you don't care, or you're against the funny. | ||
| And they don't care either. | ||
| They have to care. | ||
| Susan Sarandon apologized for a terrible mistake of making anti-Jewish comments at pro-Palestinian rally. | ||
| She's just like Will Smith. | ||
| She's just an actress who got caught up in shit and was like, oh, people aren't. | ||
| They get caught up in attention, man. | ||
| If I was up there and they handed me a mic and there were Palestinian flags, I would say the wildest shit. | ||
| I would be like, yo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yo. | |
| Here are the rules. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kidback and killing Jews. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's nothing. | |
| Yeah, I would get caught up to it. | ||
| I don't even eat pork. | ||
| I am delivered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't eat pork no more. | |
| Dogs suck! | ||
| I'm not gay no more. | ||
| I am delivered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am delivered. | |
| I don't date women. | ||
| I only date women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to wear a purse. | |
| He's just clearly, specifically naming what he wants to do. | ||
| Wait, what is this? | ||
| We need a bomb factory at every hospital! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would not put on makeup! | |
| I would not put on makeup! | ||
| He wants to put on makeup so bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Love a woman. | |
| No one's talking about this. | ||
| Now watch the dancing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, y'all praise God with him. | |
| Hold on, wait a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somebody believe God with him. | |
| I'm not gay no more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Kill Tony. | |
| This is Tony in Redman every day. | ||
| Ha ha ha ha ha ha. | ||
| I'm not gay, not am I. Man, Jordan Peele is cooking. | ||
| It really does look exactly like Kevin Jones. | ||
| I'll get one to this. | ||
| Do you get it at the beginning? | ||
| I'd like to get one to this. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| What's the song? | ||
| This is my song. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not gay no more. | |
| I am delivered. | ||
| He's delivered. | ||
| Make that a gift. | ||
| Damn, that was quick, Combs! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I really need sunglasses. | |
| You gotta do it. | ||
| I'm not gay no more. | ||
| He just lists everything he wants to do. | ||
| Sunglasses. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh yeah, look at that. | ||
| He's gotta be a comedian now. | ||
| How's he doing? | ||
| Is he still going? | ||
| We gotta get him on the pod. | ||
| Why wouldn't you be? | ||
| It doesn't go away. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You don't just cure gay. | ||
| You think what Angel Salazar did with Scarface, that dude should be able to do with that YouTube video. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Ride it till the sunset. | ||
| Probably the same amount of numbers. | ||
| I mean, that's as funny as it gets. | ||
| I would literally pay to see that guy. | ||
| After being delivered from homosexuality, Andrew Caldwell says he now has a girlfriend. | ||
| Do you see this lady like confused? | ||
| Look at his outfit! | ||
| Look at his fucking outfit! | ||
| His girlfriend's Big Mike. | ||
| Why'd you go black? | ||
| We all look very heterosexual. | ||
| Us? | ||
| Yeah, the way we're dressed. | ||
| We're all hammered. | ||
| We're all hammered. | ||
| Mari's dabbled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mari. | |
| Right? | ||
| I went to a fucking EDM show. | ||
| That doesn't count how high. | ||
| That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. | ||
| What did you show me, Jamie? | ||
| What was up about? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Who's the gayest one in Protect Our Parks? | ||
| Who's the gayest? | ||
| I think you would do some gay shit. | ||
| You've made out with Big J. Where's the whiskey? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| Oh, that was Louis. | ||
| That was Louis. | ||
| Louis really made out with him, but yet no one worries about either one of them being gay. | ||
| Yeah, that's why it's funny. | ||
| They're not gay. | ||
| They're doing this gay thing. | ||
| Well, that's one of the beautiful things about the comedy community. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck if you're gay if you're funny. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck if you're trans, if you're a girl, if you're a boy. | ||
| No one cares about anything. | ||
| The gayest dudes are so funny. | ||
| Gay guys are funny. | ||
| People are just fussed. | ||
| It's like, let me do something super gay that is hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, but that's straight dudes. | ||
| I'm talking like literally gay dudes. | ||
| Like Mateo Lane is funny. | ||
| Mateo is so fucking good. | ||
| He's funny. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| Mateo is the band leader for gay funny. | ||
| He fucking rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He had a joke, he had a joke, I don't know if he put it out, whatever. | ||
| If he didn't delete it, ruin it. | ||
| He had a joke about, he plays Call of Duty, him and his gay friends play Call of Duty, and they're like, in there, like, looking at, like, like, ooh, look at the wallpaper! | ||
| Call of Duty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could not stop playing Call of Duty. | |
| He's killer. | ||
| Fortnite is a gay version. | ||
| Fortnite is so gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the only game where you're shooting and decorating at the same time. | |
| You're literally mid-battle. | ||
| You're like, ceasefire! | ||
| We need a bay window. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Call them, dude. | ||
| They want it to be so real. | ||
| To the point where you go in the battlefield, your commander yells at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, all right, everyone, your mission, murder everyone! | |
| And I'm so naive. | ||
| I'm just like, I played Nathan Lane in the birdcage. | ||
| I'm like, ah! | ||
| Like, I'm so... | ||
| And this is a feature... | ||
| I don't even understand how this is legal. | ||
| Everyone's wearing headsets, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you can only hear your own teammates. | |
| But in Call of Duty, when you kill someone else on another team, you can hear three seconds of their audio. | ||
| So all you hear on the battlefield when you kill someone is like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm so naive, I'm like, how do they know? | |
| He should be able to say it. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| Ken, why don't they beep that out? | ||
| It's his channel. | ||
| There's a couple of... | ||
| What a stupid world we're living in. | ||
| I can't wait for mind reading. | ||
| Bring it on. | ||
| Bring it on. | ||
| Expose everyone. | ||
| Mind reading. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Joe, we cannot have mind reading. | ||
| Mind reading plus legal acid. | ||
| We can fix this. | ||
| Mind reading is bad. | ||
| Mind reading is going to result in... | ||
| Your woman is in a... | ||
| Women are going to be segregated. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why? | ||
| If you brought... | ||
| Dude. | ||
| What would happen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| If you meet your best friend's wife, and in your head's like, yeah, I'd like to fuck her from behind. | ||
| And then they know about her. | ||
| It's going to be disastrous. | ||
| You're going to have to learn how to curb those thoughts, homeboy. | ||
| Never going to happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a blink. | |
| It's a blink. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| This is what it'll be. | ||
| There'll be many layers of what a thought is. | ||
| There's a thought about... | ||
| Yeah, we have to categorize it, but the early days, when it's like Mark comes in, dressed nice, shaven, I'm like, oh, I want to fuck that. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| You are the gay one, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I knew you were nasty and gay. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is a movie with Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley, who was in Star Wars. | ||
| The sci-fi thing is explaining what you guys are talking about. | ||
| Men's thoughts are out loud, and women's are not in this movie. | ||
| I thought it was very interesting, but what you're saying is what is happening. | ||
| Well, Chappelle had that old bit when he was 14. He sounds like a little bitch in this movie. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Chappelle had that old bit when he was 14. She ran away through the woods. | ||
| He's like, I'd like to hold her down and fuck her. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Mark's just one part of me. | ||
| I'm just trying to talk, you fucking animals. | ||
| Chappelle had a bit when he was 14 about how superheroes, he's like, you know, what if Batman went to a black neighborhood? | ||
| Where's the car, Robin? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| But he had a great bit about... | ||
| Wonder Woman has a lasso of truth, so if she scooped you up, you'd be like, nice tits. | ||
| That was when he was 14. But it's true, that's what we would think. | ||
| If you could do mind reading, we'd be fucked. | ||
| But would we be, but isn't the problem is that we can't read minds? | ||
| Shouldn't people adjust the way they think about things? | ||
| No! | ||
| You can't help it. | ||
| I bet you can if technology arises. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| That's not progress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about Google? | |
| Are you willing to give up Google on your phone? | ||
| Joe. | ||
| Are you willing to give up Google on your phone? | ||
| You're not. | ||
| Google is fine. | ||
| Yeah, you're gonna get to the next Google. | ||
| The next Google is mind reading. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| What? | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| It's in your head. | ||
| Get in there, bro. | ||
| Look around. | ||
| Get in there, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look around. | |
| A lot of meat recipes. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I really am pretty consistent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joke. | |
| Oh, here's another jalapeno steak. | ||
| A hot lady. | ||
| I'm really into reverse here, but... | ||
| A hot lady comes up to you. | ||
| Hot lady. | ||
| Hot lady walks up. | ||
| Imagine a hot lady. | ||
| She looks directly into your mind. | ||
| You're not going, nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Literally every single woman is like, deal with it. | |
| If we get mind reading, what if a hot lady walks up to you and goes, I think I don't have to work anymore. | ||
| That would be that too. | ||
| That would be the other side of it. | ||
| She looks at you and goes, this guy, he's a sweet guy. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think we need technology for that. | ||
| I could make myself love him. | ||
| Imagine you're a married woman on a treadmill, and then you look over and you're like, oh, there's Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe I could suck that Bentley after looking out online. | |
| I can suck his dick into a full future. | ||
| That's going to be a thing. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| We're so vulnerable. | ||
| Women are so... | ||
| A hot woman, a really hot woman is so fucking powerful. | ||
| Take it easy. | ||
| When you see Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos, you're like, I get it. | ||
| Yeah, and they know it, too. | ||
| Who's the chick from Transformers? | ||
| Megan Fox. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's just like, you can do whatever you want with anybody. | ||
| Yeah, Stavros was talking about her the other day. | ||
| It's like, yeah, like angular. | ||
| Just like superior genetics. | ||
| Why are you talking slow and soft? | ||
| Yeah, why are you trying to get us hard? | ||
| Come on, Joe. | ||
| I'm going to take these headphones off and keep talking sexual. | ||
| Sorry, boys. | ||
| Who just did the Transformer voice? | ||
| What voice? | ||
| Didn't one of you guys just do that? | ||
| Robots in disguise. | ||
| Oh, that was me. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Alright, nice. | ||
| That was good. | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| But yeah, we can't have too much... | ||
| A little ignorance is bliss. | ||
| You need a little bit of... | ||
| Yeah, but that's not gonna happen, man. | ||
| I'm telling you, that's the bottleneck. | ||
| The bottleneck is... | ||
| That's the end of society. | ||
| You'll need some... | ||
| It'll be so bad. | ||
| It'll be way worse. | ||
| We think social media is bad. | ||
| We think social media is bad where we're like, everybody shouldn't be talking. | ||
| The last thing I want is to bring my girlfriend... | ||
| Around my friends and listen to my friends thought of like... | ||
| I'd fuck her. | ||
| I'd fuck her, I'd fuck her. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Well, how about this? | ||
| I wouldn't fuck her. | ||
| It would also be terrible. | ||
| Yeah, good point. | ||
| I'll tell you what, Ari. | ||
| Ari? | ||
| I've never heard a better... | ||
| Ari? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
| I mean, that's the worst. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You bring a hot... | ||
| You think, oh, this is my girl. | ||
| Wait, why does that guy not? | ||
| And then you bring your girl around, and the guy goes, ew. | ||
| Well, I have to kill him. | ||
| Or how about this, when you see your friend, he's with this woman, and you're like, oh, that's gonna be the end of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, your buddy's mad at you? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| We've seen that one. | ||
| Oh, we've all seen it so many times. | ||
| I go, that'd be the end. | ||
| Hey, it's been good hanging out with you the last ten years. | ||
| We're not gonna hang out with you anymore, because you've got some fucking controlling lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| I've seen some guys who had real potential and then all of a sudden they got involved in some woman and then the woman forces them to quit their job and get a regular job. | ||
| We've all seen that one. | ||
| We need to get a job. | ||
| Oh my god, he's at the fucking verge. | ||
| So many guys aren't in comedy anymore because of that. | ||
| Yeah, for real. | ||
| But if you're a woman and you're banking on a dude to pay the bills... | ||
| How many women have saved all of us from some just fucking retard lingering around? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I'm saying like a lady going, like, so there's a guy you started with that sucks, and then a woman, he finally meets a babe, and she goes, please God, stop doing stand-up. | ||
| You suck. | ||
| Oh, good point. | ||
| It's important. | ||
| We're like, he's annoying everybody. | ||
| It's important to have a nasty woman there to ruin everything. | ||
| Yeah, wounded antelopes can't walk by the waterhole. | ||
| Crocodiles take them out. | ||
| It's almost like we need them as buffers. | ||
| That's what we need. | ||
| That's why the crocodiles are there. | ||
| For every guy who could have been something that got taken away by a woman, there's seven guys who need to be taken out. | ||
| Yeah, there's way more antelopes where the crocodiles live. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| They talk about it. | ||
| They talk about how behind every great man is a very strong woman. | ||
| Behind every complete loser is a truly strong woman that crushed his spirits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's totally true. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| Some smart woman was like, stop... | ||
| What you're doing, you have no future. | ||
| Also, it's like that's a weird dynamic when the woman has all the power. | ||
| I was fucking around on stage about Mackenzie Bezos, how she married a science teacher. | ||
| Mackenzie Bezos divorced Jeff Bezos. | ||
| She made like $38 billion and she married a dude worth $3,200. | ||
| This is like, how is this gonna work? | ||
| I remember that bit. | ||
| It lasted 16 months. | ||
| Yeah, you fucking tapped out. | ||
| You got no power. | ||
| You can pretend for as long as you want, but you don't, like, that's a hard fucking... | ||
| That's what women should focus on, is guys who have potential but don't know it yet. | ||
| Yeah, but how could you do that? | ||
| And then let them build your business, and you just say, I was with you from the beginning, I support you, Ari's pissing again, holy shit. | ||
| Right, but if you're a woman that's worth 38 billion dollars, like, what do you do? | ||
| Are you worth that much money? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Like, what are your options? | ||
| You can't find any man. | ||
| But women like a successful talent. | ||
| Listen, listen, listen, listen. | ||
| You're looking at it wrong. | ||
| I'm looking at it right. | ||
| That's a big head on that menorah. | ||
| A woman who has 38 billion doesn't need anything from you, so why don't you listen to anything you have to say? | ||
| All she wants is big dick. | ||
| Every NBA player, every wife they have, every hot actor, They just get an Instagram fucking influencer. | ||
| None of them get a scientist. | ||
| Alright, I gotta ask this. | ||
| I don't know if that's 100% true. | ||
| Not 100%, but a massive majority. | ||
| They don't get any smart check. | ||
| Look at all that piss. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| I'll admit to that. | ||
| Jamie, can you play Joy to the World by Nat King Cole? | ||
| Joy to the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the boys and girls. | |
| No, no, different one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. | |
| Joy to you and me. | ||
| Oh, here it comes, dude. | ||
| This is a jam. | ||
| Oh, that's way different than ours. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at him go. | ||
| Damn, that went down easy. | ||
| Shane's a boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shane's a boy. | |
| Shane's a dog. | ||
| You know what, Shane? | ||
| You have a fun thumb. | ||
| Let me tell you something, bro. | ||
| You got a fun thumb. | ||
| Because your thumb doesn't go straight up. | ||
| Your thumb goes all the way back. | ||
| Look at that extra angle you have. | ||
| I don't have that angle. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Yeah, Ari's got it. | ||
| Ari's thumb is crazy. | ||
| Jamie, I saw you throw that thumb up, dude. | ||
| You got no curve on there. | ||
| Jamie's got it hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, that's insane. | |
| You guys all have fun thumbs except me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fun thumbs. | |
| Fun thumbs. | ||
| You and I, it's pretty close. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You guys have unfun thumbs. | ||
| My ears are connected. | ||
| I get that all day online. | ||
| That's a weird one. | ||
| You can look at Biden. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| Hitchhiker's thumb. | ||
| If it doesn't go all the way back, it's a serial killer. | ||
| Hypermobile. | ||
| You might have a fishhiker's thumb. | ||
| Bro, when I was in high school, I remember there was dudes that could take their thumb and push it all the way to their forearm. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Oh, I already got it. | ||
| Can you do that? | ||
| Oh my god, you can do that? | ||
| Easy, big fella. | ||
| Is that touching your forearm? | ||
| It is. | ||
| Ow. | ||
| Oh my god, mine's not even close. | ||
| Oh, I can't do it on this hand. | ||
| Jamie used to be able to do it. | ||
| I can't do it when I was younger. | ||
| I heard you go, I can't do it anymore. | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| My shit's not even close. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Comfortably thumbed. | ||
| Which way do you go? | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| This side's better. | ||
| Under? | ||
| Whatever way you can go. | ||
| Under. | ||
| Hands here. | ||
| You can get it there. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I can't even come close. | ||
| I'm a solid inch and a half away. | ||
| Inch and a half away. | ||
| Thumb fights. | ||
| I can't even get any closer than that. | ||
| Jamie, I got a request for the next one. | ||
| Maybe an inch. | ||
| I literally just said that. | ||
| Christmas wrapping. | ||
| That's another weird one. | ||
| Some people could do weird shit with their wrists, too. | ||
| Can you just play Nat King Cole, Joy to the World? | ||
| Well, pre-internet, double-jointed guys were king. | ||
| Were king. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| They dominated grammar school. | ||
| Double-jointed. | ||
| You're like, wah! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They dominated grammar school. | ||
| They dominated grammar school. | ||
| They were the kids. | ||
| They were the guy who did the flip-up of the eyelids. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was a big one. | ||
| That was a big one. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| There was no entertainment. | ||
| The flip-up of the eyelids freaked everybody out. | ||
| Yeah, that thing, the inside out. | ||
| Oh, that was a big one. | ||
| That was a big one. | ||
| Well, we had to make fun. | ||
| Remember the bat wing with your dick? | ||
| You remember the first guy that cummed? | ||
| I got a spider butt. | ||
| You remember that guy? | ||
| When you were a kid? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go, God damn, that guy's a freak. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| We had a guy in my group of friends that... | ||
| Came? | ||
| Came first, and then he got like hairy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Dude, my boy hit puberty like a year and a half before all of us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like the background. | ||
| How old was he? | ||
| He was my age. | ||
| What was the age that you both were? | ||
| Uh, bro. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| What does that mean, though, bro? | ||
| Aren't you back in time with me right now? | ||
| Oh my god, look at this stack of Bud Light. | ||
| No, no, no, this is everybody's. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Two of those are Ari's. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm taking a picture of that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This guy's having fun. | ||
| No, shut the fuck up. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Some of those are bomb beers. | ||
| It's everybody's. | ||
| It's everybody's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't give a fuck. | |
| I'm putting that shit online. | ||
| Give me that bomb, dude. | ||
| I'm the king of misinformation. | ||
| Keep it wrong. | ||
| King of misinformation. | ||
| Shout out Mike. | ||
| I'm spreading that misinformation. | ||
| Shout out Mike Connolly. | ||
| He got pubes and hair before all of us. | ||
| An Irish gun. | ||
| And then he played, he would call my house and he would go like, Hey, is Shane there? | ||
| And I remember my parents being like, No, who is this? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Did you guys jerk off together? | ||
| Oh yeah, we all did. | ||
| We did that. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| No, guys, it's fun. | ||
| You should try it. | ||
| I get a lot of shit for that online. | ||
| Everybody's like, no one did that. | ||
| We all sat in a room. | ||
| All the guys who say they didn't do it, I understand why they think it's crazy, but they didn't have friends. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| If you had friends and one guy had porn, you jacked off. | ||
| Why wouldn't you share it? | ||
| Why wouldn't you share this awesome thing? | ||
| You shared a sweet treat. | ||
| VHS tape. | ||
| Well, we got the Pam and Tommy tape mail to us, and that was a big deal. | ||
| We all got together, got under the covers. | ||
| When I was a kid, the VHS tape came out. | ||
| I was a kid in high school. | ||
| And you could get porn. | ||
| And other kids started getting porn. | ||
| Sharing porn in school. | ||
| And we'd fucking trade porn with each other. | ||
| Get VHS tapes. | ||
| It was an orange tape or a blue tape. | ||
| It was always colorful. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember that. | |
| The little fucking adhesive you'd be able to write on what it was. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Bro, it was difficult to jack off back then. | ||
| No, it wasn't. | ||
| You just used your imagination back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I said, if you want to watch this. | ||
| Fast Times New Age on High. | ||
| Good enough. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was huge. | |
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| You jack off to that now, you've got a problem. | ||
| Yeah, now it's like you're fucking... | ||
| That girl's young. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole point of it was just... | |
| She was in high school, right? | ||
| But when you were younger, it was like, I don't know. | ||
| We were in high school, too. | ||
| Lately, me and that guy, we're both jacking off. | ||
| Yeah, we've all, we all did that. | ||
| Oh, that guy was my acting teacher in L.A., yeah. | ||
| Oh, what? | ||
| Did he try to convert you to Scientology? | ||
| No, no, it wasn't one of those schools. | ||
| That was in Silver Lake. | ||
| That's a big thing with acting schools, man, is Scientology. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's a big thing. | ||
| Don't do it, kids. | ||
| A girl I dated went to a Scientology acting school. | ||
| It was right behind that. | ||
| And I had to go to this fucking thing and watch. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What? | ||
| One of the things that was fascinating was they'd have these moments where they would just, like, they'd give them the opportunity to do whatever they wanted on stage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They'd call it, like, a private moment. | ||
| They would go up and, like, pretend to read a book and, like, cough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like... | |
| It was so strange. | ||
| I was like, what's going on here? | ||
| I'm like, why is everybody Scientologist? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then Callan was involved in one. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| And Callan told me about it. | ||
| And he said, dude, that everyone was Scientologist. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Oh, Phoebe Cates. | ||
| Yeah, Phoebe Cates was so pretty. | ||
| So hot. | ||
| She quit the business. | ||
| Fire that up, J-Mo. | ||
| She was around 17 or 18 during filming. | ||
| Alright, that's legal. | ||
| Definitely don't film it up. | ||
| Don't film it up. | ||
| Wow, that's a classic scene, her coming out of the pool. | ||
| Christmas wrapping. | ||
| Guys, I got a question. | ||
| What was your favorite Christmas gift, dude? | ||
| You're excluded. | ||
| I mean, come on, dude. | ||
| Obviously, I'm out. | ||
| You had some good moments in Hanukkah. | ||
| You got a candle. | ||
| I'll tell you mine. | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| I got nothing forever. | ||
| What do you mean nothing? | ||
| Your parents didn't give you gifts? | ||
| Yeah, it just sucked. | ||
| It wasn't good. | ||
| And then one year, eighth grade, I got a TV in the guest room in our house. | ||
| They had a TV room now. | ||
| And then they got me a PS2. Whoa! | ||
| That was number one. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Have you ever seen the black kid gets a fake Xbox? | ||
| And my dad hid the PS2. What do you mean? | ||
| So I opened all the gifts, and they were like, that was what you got this year. | ||
| I was like, alright, yeah, great. | ||
| Socks, underwear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they go, hey, check behind the couch. | |
| PS2, Grand Theft Auto. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| See, now that'd be filmed. | ||
| And they'd have you be like, oh, socks. | ||
| They'd be like, oh, bring it down, they'd build you up like life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That kid gets a fake Xbox. | ||
| You got an Xbox. | ||
| Little black kid. | ||
| It's me. | ||
| Is that Jamie? | ||
| Is that you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
My Nintendo. | |
| Jamie, that's crazy. | ||
| Look at this fucking house! | ||
| Look at the Woodstock thing in the back. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| The shitty TV on the floor. | ||
| That's a great TV with a system. | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| I don't like to think that there was a Jamie before I met him. | ||
| Younger Jamie. | ||
| He just appeared from another dimension. | ||
| I can't believe your parents love you. | ||
| That was nice. | ||
| You were young when you got that good shit. | ||
| Yeah, I was about to turn six. | ||
| We had a tough Christmas. | ||
| My parents got us all garage sale shit, and we opened it. | ||
| We're like, oh! | ||
| A used wrestling buddy with stains on it. | ||
| What's a wrestling buddy? | ||
| What's a wrestling buddy? | ||
| Wrestling buddy, you take up to your room and you cut a hole in it and you fuck it. | ||
| It's a stuffed animal, macho man, Randy Savage. | ||
| And you know they spent a lot of money on it and they saw your fucking... | ||
| There they are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn, I look exactly like Stone Cold. | |
| Oh my god! | ||
| I can't stop laughing! | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I used to fuck the shit out of them. | ||
| I jizzed all over those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| Those were the two I had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| You had them too? | ||
| I had those too. | ||
| Oh my god, this is hilarious. | ||
| The Hulk rules shirt? | ||
| With the Hulk rules shirt on? | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| I got used ones. | ||
| They had jizz on it and stains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| You're gonna fuck it. | ||
| That's a real problem if they ever really do invent robot fuck dolls. | ||
| I mean, just think about what they're able to do now with Face Swap. | ||
| Go. | ||
| My song first. | ||
| You give them another one? | ||
| Go. | ||
| We just haven't a gooeya. | ||
| Or I'm gonna be. | ||
| Again. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I gotta pee. | ||
| I'm hydrated. | ||
| I'm feeling really healthy. | ||
| I will say you've changed. | ||
| Since our challenge, you tried to push me to the brink last week. | ||
| I could, but I don't... | ||
| You could, but you didn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the point? | |
| Let's just pee. | ||
| Joe, as a listener, you pushed me to the brink one time. | ||
| Since then, you've been peeing every episode. | ||
| I broke you, dude. | ||
| Yeah, you broke me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just have to pee. | |
| Yeah, you broke me. | ||
| Put on having a gila for your fear. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Shotgun that. | ||
| Beacon Theater, January 27th. | ||
| Shut up, you fucking pussy. | ||
| January 27th, go see Mark Norman. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shreveport, tickets are low. | ||
| All right, go, Harry. | ||
| Hop in a gila. | ||
| Hit it, baby Nice Put it down, fatty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do, actually. | ||
| Yo, for real, though. | ||
| Free Palestine. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Yo, look at me in the face. | ||
| Free Palestine. | ||
| Hey, Ari. | ||
| You mean they had been since 2005? | ||
| Free Palestine. | ||
| Guys, I'll be in the Palace of Fine Arts January 13th. | ||
| Can I get out? | ||
| I'll be in Tempe and Tucson this week. | ||
| Get tickets at AriShaffir.com. | ||
| Denver's setting the record for shows. | ||
| AriShaffir.com. | ||
| From the river to the sea. | ||
| Where are you setting the record? | ||
| Denver, straight sold out shows in Comedy Works. | ||
| Doing two straight weeks. | ||
| Two weeks. | ||
| Two straight weeks. | ||
| First week of March, second week of March. | ||
| First week of March is on sale now. | ||
| Setting the record. | ||
| Best club in the country. | ||
| Why would I go anywhere else? | ||
| Palestine pro people, go bomb that. | ||
| Yeah, Palestinians are welcome. | ||
| You pay 1.25%. | ||
| Go bother him. | ||
| Protest. | ||
| Protest outside and be great for sales. | ||
| So much. | ||
| Boston, Toronto on sale this week. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Markdomey.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Markdomey.com. | |
| The shotguns go down so hard so fast. | ||
| The throat, it hits the throat. | ||
| It's like the brain freeze. | ||
| Yeah, it's cold. | ||
| Well, can you explain what brain feeds is? | ||
| Because I always thought it's when your throat gets really cold. | ||
| I got whiskey here. | ||
| You're up, brother. | ||
| I think it's just a vast amount of cold. | ||
| Oh, you never got it? | ||
| I only get it in here, where it hurts here, where I gotta go. | ||
| That's how I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| What's brain feed? | ||
| Up into the temples. | ||
| You don't get into the temples. | ||
| Brain feeds is a myth. | ||
| It means the roof of your mouth. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I get it in here, I'm like too cold to go after a slurpee. | ||
| But I never get it in anywhere up here. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I think people have a hard time discerning what... | ||
| Oh, you coward. | ||
| Did you back out of it? | ||
| It's his turn. | ||
| No, I was going to take it. | ||
| Is it your turn? | ||
| It is his turn. | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
| I think people have a hard time. | ||
| It's so much pain back here that you think it's in your brain. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's flaring from the back of your throat. | ||
| It's so hardcore that your brain is like... | ||
| Holy shit, what is this? | ||
| Because it's literally like your floor is rattling. | ||
| Like, what is going on down there? | ||
| Why is it so cold down there immediately? | ||
| Brain freeze is a myth. | ||
| Like a slurpee? | ||
| Like the clip. | ||
| Slurpee, though, but it gets you in the throat where you're like... | ||
| But I kind of get it in the back of my brain. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I kind of get it. | ||
| Nice, Mark! | ||
| Norman. | ||
| Nice, Mark! | ||
| Norman. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| I get brain freeze any time I do coke. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You ever get that in the back of your head? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not on coke. | |
| Not on coke, no. | ||
| You ever snort something and it hurts kind of the back of your head? | ||
| Oh, when I shit, when I move fast, sometimes I'm like, ow, what is that? | ||
| Speaking of coke, Hunter Biden's in trouble. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he? | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| He's indicted. | ||
| They got him good. | ||
| Because wait for the days that they're going to do a Hunter Biden movie and it's going to fucking rule because his life fucking rules. | ||
| Nick Cage. | ||
| Nick Cage is Hunter Biden. | ||
| Joe, give me that. | ||
| Oh yeah, he should! | ||
| Nick Cage is Hunter Biden. | ||
| I think he spent 827k on hookers. | ||
| He rules! | ||
| He should be! | ||
| Isn't that what you do when you win the lottery? | ||
| The dad president lottery? | ||
| I mean, this is the thing. | ||
| What's your dad do? | ||
| My dad does, oh, the ultimate. | ||
| It's like winning the lottery. | ||
| It's like winning the lottery. | ||
| Dad's never around. | ||
| My dad was second in charge. | ||
| He went to first in charge. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| He knew the black guy. | ||
| My dad sold bottle caps, and I still got hookers. | ||
| James. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Stop that. | ||
| You can't judge him. | ||
| What's your song, Joe? | ||
| The same song. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What's your Christmas song? | ||
| Get a Christmas song. | ||
| Let me think. | ||
| I don't know an actual Christmas song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Just whatever comes to mind when you think Christmas. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Jingle Bell Rock. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good one. | ||
| Who does it? | ||
| Run DMC, Christmas and Hollis. | ||
| There we go! | ||
| Run DMC. Christmas and Hollis is up there. | ||
| Hollis Queen. | ||
| It's number three all the time. | ||
| Christmas and Hollis. | ||
| Let's go with that. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Keep that Hunter Biden tab open. | ||
| Jamie, can you bring that up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just Googling it. | |
| Wait for it. | ||
| Wait for the drop. | ||
| Oh, there it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
December 24th at Hollis Queen. | |
| Yeah, it's wonderful. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| Come on, fire it up. | ||
| It's crazy that Aerosmith had to throw them a bone. | ||
| Nah, it was the other way around. | ||
| They needed street cred. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was December 24th when Hollis happened to dark When I seen a man chilling with his dog in the park I approached him very slowly with my heart A little reindeer! | ||
| That's very fun. | ||
| Shotgun that. | ||
| Joseph? | ||
| Come on, this is your era. | ||
| Yes, Joseph. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Joseph sucks it. | ||
| Man, well done, buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're going to be retarded. | |
| We're already retarded. | ||
| Dude, me and DeRosa went to see them. | ||
| The world needs this. | ||
| Let me tell you something, boys. | ||
| We're already retarded. | ||
| The world needs this right now. | ||
| The world needs this kind of four-level stupidity that we provide. | ||
| Dude, me and DeRosa went to see them at Forest Hills, and it was LL Cool Jays, like Rock the Bells, and they're like saying everybody's got to stay on time. | ||
| Run DMC's there in Queens. | ||
| And they're like, hey, we've got to wrap it up, everyone's behind. | ||
| And whoever the leader is, I don't know whichever one, they're older here, he goes, no, we're not getting off. | ||
| We're Run DMC, and this is Queens, New York. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Hurry up. | ||
| I don't hurry. | ||
| I'm Run DMC and this is Queens. | ||
| You're gonna wait. | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| It was so fucking cool. | ||
| I will never have that. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I gotta get off? | ||
| Okay, I got it. | ||
| You gotta go, you gotta go. | ||
| Alright, thank you. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| The weird thing about shows is people get so controlling. | ||
| It's literally the opposite of entertainment. | ||
| Yeah, he was like, what's that? | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, time's up? | ||
| Oh, cool, thanks. | ||
| He was like, nah. | ||
| What's that, water? | ||
| Mark's trying to balance out. | ||
| You're always the biggest coward. | ||
| Why are you the biggest coward? | ||
| I want six, seven, eight, or nine of these. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do people describe you as cowardly? | |
| Jamie, what are you doing to it? | ||
| Can you find... | ||
| There's only one coffee cup in this whole room. | ||
| Oh, you have coffee? | ||
| Hilary Duff Sleigh Bells. | ||
| Want some? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jamie Bell, can we get some more coffee cups? | ||
| I'd get a mug. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| These get hot here. | ||
| Yes, that's the one. | ||
| Oh, Hilary Duff got hot. | ||
| Hilary Duff got a little thicky. | ||
| I like her. | ||
| This is for the troops. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Thicky dicky. | ||
| Is he gonna piss in that too? | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| Oh my god, Ari! | ||
| Jesus Christ, don't piss! | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Hit me there! | ||
| Give me just a little caffeine! | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Look at this! | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Remember she threw that bog out the window? | ||
| Duff Riders. | ||
| I'm into it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| What am I looking at? | ||
| Hillary Duff. | ||
| She's got a fucking fat ass. | ||
| It's Duffing season. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| And it's good. | ||
| It's helping everybody. | ||
| The whole country's coming out of Iraq for it. | ||
| What was her Disney show? | ||
| She had a show. | ||
| Or Nickelodeon or something. | ||
| She was a kid. | ||
| Lizzie McGuire. | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| Lizzie McGuire. | ||
| Nice pulpeto. | ||
| Isn't this a good one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I wasn't a pedo back then, dude. | ||
| I was a ped myself. | ||
| When she threw that bong out the window in Manhattan, out of an upper story, cops knocked on her door, she took a glass bong, a big one, and just chucked it out the window. | ||
| Real legalization. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| There's something with the Mousketeers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She rules. | |
| They get hot, right? | ||
| She's trouble. | ||
| Timberlake's hot. | ||
| Freddie Spear. | ||
| They all get hot. | ||
| Christina Aguilera. | ||
| Aguilera! | ||
| Britney Spears, yeah, all of them. | ||
| They all got hot. | ||
| They got sexy. | ||
| Pressure creates diamonds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Harry loves diamonds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe. | |
| Justin Diamond. | ||
| What was your best Christmas gift? | ||
| Skateboard. | ||
| You got a skateboard? | ||
| Yeah, I was so excited. | ||
| I would love to see Joe fucking Ollie. | ||
| Different actress. | ||
| Amanda Bynes. | ||
| Amanda Bynes, that's what I'm thinking. | ||
| She rules. | ||
| Fuck Hilary Duff. | ||
| I knew Hilary Duff wouldn't do something like that. | ||
| Hilary Duff is a sweet angel. | ||
| Amanda Bynes is a wild stallion. | ||
| Who's that lady? | ||
| Amanda Bynes. | ||
| What'd you say, Jamie? | ||
| She's back in the news today because I think she announced a podcast. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Good! | ||
| Everyone listen to it! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All you have to do is throw a bong out the window. | ||
| You got Ari's vote. | ||
| Oh, she's the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jim Cox! | |
| Harry is super simple. | ||
| Who is she? | ||
| Amanda Bynes? | ||
| She was on like... | ||
| She's a Nickelodeon girl. | ||
| She was on like the witch show or something. | ||
| And she's throwing bongs out the window. | ||
| Chops in on her window and men are... | ||
| I fully support her work. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| I knew you would. | ||
| I like what you're doing. | ||
| Yeah, those kid stars are fucked. | ||
| Yeah, but make sure it's like doesn't hit people in the head. | ||
| Is that her tattoo? | ||
| Whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Is that her? | ||
| That's her now, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Okay. | ||
| I'm off the train. | ||
| I'm off the train. | ||
| No, you're back on, dude. | ||
| That's all in. | ||
| The nose ring, the face tattoo. | ||
| I'm like, slow down. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We might want to look at different options. | |
| I knew this was going to be a good podcast. | ||
| This is a good one. | ||
| How about George Santos? | ||
| He got expelled. | ||
| DeSantis? | ||
| George Santos. | ||
| Who is George Santos? | ||
| Moms in the Holocaust, dads in 9-11, eating the whole thing. | ||
| What? | ||
| He made up a lot of stuff and he got elected. | ||
| Oh, that guy. | ||
| Well, they like victims. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| In talks with federal prosecutors about possible plea deal. | ||
| He'll be on here soon. | ||
| Bro, it's so wild that crazy people can get all the way to positions of power. | ||
| Like, full-on fucking insane people. | ||
| Turns out the voter class is retarded, so... | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| If you're going for low-level stuff, like city councilmen, who the fuck is paying Who's going to say whether you lie or not? | ||
| Who's paying attention? | ||
| Well, I was actually a... | ||
| What's he saying? | ||
| He's on Cameo now. | ||
| He's on Cameo! | ||
| I want him to say happy birthday to me before my birthday. | ||
| He's got to be making a fortune. | ||
| For $300, you can get that. | ||
| Is that what it costs? | ||
| I bet. | ||
| $500. | ||
| Are you allowed to post it on Instagram? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, Cameo doesn't stop anyone from posting anything. | ||
| They're the worst. | ||
| That'd be a funny post. | ||
| If I only had him announce all my tour dates... | ||
| Joe is gonna be at... | ||
| Joe, I'm getting that for you. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Ruined my Christmas present. | ||
| I gotta find a new one. | ||
| If you had one person that would announce every show you ever did, who would it be? | ||
| Woody Allen. | ||
| By the way, Annie... | ||
| Remind me of that after the show's over. | ||
| Annie Hall, there's a scene where the other guy, his friend goes, I had two women last night, 16-year-olds. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's just a different time. | ||
| It wasn't even like, can you believe? | ||
| It's like they put it out as big as they could have. | ||
| Yeah, Tony Roberts. | ||
| And nobody cares. | ||
| That was his name. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Different times. | ||
| It's crazy looking at different times. | ||
| The way slavery was accepted, the way smoking on fucking late night was like, man, whatever. | ||
| Smoking is now like a label. | ||
| Like, hey, watch out there's smoking in this movie. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Not even anal, just smoking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You not even anal. | |
| Cameo is a good question. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Who would you pick? | ||
| Who would you pick? | ||
| For what? | ||
| Or like all time? | ||
| O.J. Simpson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
O.J.? You do Donald. | |
| I mean, if I could get Trump. | ||
| If you get Trump for a thousand bucks a date. | ||
| You would do it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Shane's rich, bro. | ||
| It would pay for itself. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| You'd go straight to arenas. | ||
| Shane's rich? | ||
| He could get a thousand to show. | ||
| I'm not rich. | ||
| Bitch, you drove here. | ||
| You're a thousand to show rich. | ||
| Listen to me, Shane. | ||
| I'm rich as fuck. | ||
| You drove here in a fucking Mercedes. | ||
| I didn't think I was going to make any money, but I thought I was definitely going to be a dead, retarded guy. | ||
| Well, you got like a hot mom car. | ||
| That's a nice car. | ||
| Nice car. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| The white Benz. | ||
| No, that's a dude. | ||
| He's got a Dodge Caravan. | ||
| Thank you, Joseph. | ||
| That's a dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, tell him about our test drive. | |
| Tell him about our test drive. | ||
| Hold on a second, Mark Garmin. | ||
| Shane Gillis, I came to your fucking house and I took you to the Mercedes dealership. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Tell... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell about my test drive with you! | |
| I would have literally never bought a nice car. | ||
| What'd you do, Joe? | ||
| Open it up? | ||
| Joe has literally, every single thing I do, I need Joe Rogan going, do it, bitch. | ||
| Otherwise, I'll never do it. | ||
| Actually, I need Joe to see my fucking closet in my house. | ||
| That's a nice closet. | ||
| With your only six pairs of sneakers? | ||
| No, no, I have nothing. | ||
| I have like two pairs of sneakers. | ||
| Yeah, but that's what's important. | ||
| I need you going. | ||
| What's important was like, you were telling me, I'm thinking of getting a nice car. | ||
| I go, let's get you a nice car. | ||
| I get a nice car. | ||
| He goes, you go with me? | ||
| I go, fuck yeah, I'll go with you. | ||
| And so I know a lot about Mercedes. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| I don't even own one. | ||
| Yeah, I've never gotten one. | ||
| I'm just a giant fan of engineering. | ||
| It's a great car. | ||
| And I'm like, dude, that S-Class is the shit. | ||
| S-Class is nice. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| Because it's fast enough. | ||
| What do you want, a fucking racetrack? | ||
| It's fast enough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's this luxurious... | |
| I could see when you pulled onto the highway, it was like, the pickup was great. | ||
| You're traversing through these lanes in a lap of luxury. | ||
| These fucking New York guys. | ||
| These New York guys these days. | ||
| No place to charge your phone. | ||
| I know, I'm joking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm joking. | |
| But I will say you guys are fucking complete losers. | ||
| I got a Beamer. | ||
| Yeah, I bet you do. | ||
| I got a city bike rental. | ||
| I have an old Beamer. | ||
| I got a year-long city bike rental. | ||
| I knew as much or more about that car. | ||
| I knew as much or more about that car than the fucking dude who was selling it to you. | ||
| But I was like, dude, you gotta tell him how fun this is to own it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He didn't know shit. | |
| He didn't know shit. | ||
| I was telling him, I'm like, dude, this has four-wheel steering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go! | |
| Dude, Joe took me in his Porsche once, and he was just like, let me open it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We just went on the fucking 101. It wasn't even like a test track. | |
| And he's like, let's go. | ||
| And I got to the point, I was like, hey, Joe, Joe, I'm actually pretty frightened. | ||
| You gotta slow it down. | ||
| Did you see the super truck beat that Porsche? | ||
| You didn't know. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, the Cybertruck. | ||
| Cybertruck, sorry. | ||
| Yeah, that was crazy. | ||
| Towing a Porsche beat a Porsche in a drag race. | ||
| In a big-ass truck. | ||
| A 2023 Porsche 911. Pull it up. | ||
| And then you have a Cybertruck towing the same car and beats it in a race. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| What? | ||
| So it beats it in a drag race. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking towing a car! | |
| That can't be real. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| It's 100% real. | ||
| That's real, baby. | ||
| Listen to me, man. | ||
| The fastest car I own. | ||
| The fastest car I own. | ||
| This is the ultimate commercial. | ||
| And by the way, if it wasn't towing that Porsche, it wouldn't even be close. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That thing gets to zero to 60 in like under three seconds, and it's 7,000 pounds. | ||
| It's immediately at 100%. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| It's also, it doesn't have gears. | ||
| It doesn't have gears. | ||
| Yeah, there's no shift. | ||
| This is Leah Thomas. | ||
| This is Leah Thomas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| That's the breaststroke, Leah Thomas. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| Leah Thomas could carry a woman behind her and still win the gold medal. | ||
| I know a lot about regular cars. | ||
| Like regular combustion engine cars. | ||
| There's only one car that can beat that in a drag race. | ||
| And that's the Dodge Demon. | ||
| There's a new Dodge Demon. | ||
| What is it, the 170? | ||
| I don't know the Dodge Demon. | ||
| There's a new Dodge Demon that has over a thousand... | ||
| You could buy it from a fucking Dodge dealership. | ||
| It has over a thousand horsepower. | ||
| It goes zero to 60 in 1.6 seconds. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's the fastest car that's ever been made. | ||
| Look at this fucking thing. | ||
| Challenges fucking rule. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, this thing is insane. | |
| This car is insane. | ||
| Zero to 60 is what? | ||
| 1.66 seconds! | ||
| Zero to 60! | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| From a factory! | ||
| 1,025 horsepower. | ||
| It's the only thing faster than a Tesla. | ||
| Well, look at it off the fucking wheels. | ||
| Bro, it gets wheelies. | ||
| It's moving like Bandit does. | ||
| Like back legs only for like three steps. | ||
| It's like a fucking terrier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a little terrier. | |
| No, dude, you've changed. | ||
| Nice, Mark. | ||
| Welcome to the world. | ||
| What is he peeing? | ||
| I didn't know I missed the video. | ||
| Mark and I are supposed to be in Memphis the same day. | ||
| Come check out one of the two of us. | ||
| What is the bottle he's peeing in so I know not to drink out of it? | ||
| Water. | ||
| A water bottle. | ||
| No, no, no, like the water jug. | ||
| The jug? | ||
| Gotta use that. | ||
| What jug? | ||
| Did you drink all the water? | ||
| Is there water in it before you pissed in it? | ||
| I drank all of it. | ||
| Now we need a new one. | ||
| Oh, that's... | ||
| Mark, you can't piss in the thing we drink water out of. | ||
| Mark's not cool. | ||
| Don't listen to him. | ||
| It is cool. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Corrects it. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| What if I have a scientist in tomorrow? | ||
| And I'm like, we'll play some water. | ||
| We've done a really good job of scrubbing all the piss out of it. | ||
| You might want to get a new one. | ||
| How do you have time? | ||
| He's still going. | ||
| Mark, I didn't know you had a tiny penis. | ||
| I see it right now. | ||
| You see, this is a detrimental effect. | ||
| Mark has a tiny penis. | ||
| The detrimental effects of rude actions in society. | ||
| I'm feeling this. | ||
| It's a trickle down. | ||
| Do that. | ||
| The old wizard Shafir, he cast the spell on the young Jew. | ||
| Nice, Mark. | ||
| You filled it up, bro. | ||
| That was full. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Let me see what that is. | ||
| Reusable. | ||
| Don't touch that. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There is no way. | |
| There was water in there. | ||
| There was water in there. | ||
| There was no water. | ||
| There was water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, fuck off. | |
| Hold it up to that. | ||
| I can piss. | ||
| That's not the same. | ||
| No way. | ||
| That's way wise. | ||
| You're a liar. | ||
| I chugged all the water. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The bottom's warm. | ||
| The bottom's warm? | ||
| The bottom's warm. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The bottom's warm. | ||
| The middle's warm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The top's warm. | |
| What a urethra. | ||
| I can piss. | ||
| I was a bed wetter. | ||
| Jamie, can you see this? | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| Can you see it though? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Is there any way? | ||
| Where can I bring it? | ||
| Right to that camera. | ||
| Right to that camera. | ||
| You have to tip it. | ||
| Tip it right out at that camera. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I piss. | ||
| I could have gone more. | ||
| I'm higher. | ||
| Oh, there it is. | ||
| Higher? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Higher? | |
| This is a new level. | ||
| No, no, not bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to make you drop the piss. | |
| You can't see it. | ||
| That's all piss. | ||
| I swear to God, I emptied it. | ||
| This is here. | ||
| I emptied that thing. | ||
| I will give anyone in this room $500,000. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
500 grand? | |
| Ari, you gotta drink that. | ||
| I'm talking about five. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| That's all this. | ||
| He's being pulled in so many directions right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need the money, but that is too much. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| This might be the best protector of parks of all time. | ||
| Are we on number 10? | ||
| It's a holiday spectacular. | ||
| We fucking did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think we brought America back. | |
| We were on the break, but I think we brought it back. | ||
| We've been holding that since 2. Oh my god. | ||
| That pierce is extraordinary. | ||
| Get a new metal pitcher, because that thing's ruined. | ||
| I'm going to drink out of that tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, just wash it out. | |
| Just wash it out. | ||
| Dude, I was sick last week. | ||
| I'm not scared to piss. | ||
| I was sick last week. | ||
| I came down and I just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
My chick was like, can I drink out of that bottle? | |
| And I was like, um, yeah. | ||
| She was like, you can. | ||
| She was like, I'm joking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw how yellow it was. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| When I was a kid, our plumbing went out for like a week, so we had to pee and stuff. | ||
| And I peed in a cup and put it on the counter. | ||
| I was like nine. | ||
| And my dad drank it. | ||
| And I've never seen him more angry. | ||
| He took my own piss down. | ||
| He thought it was like apple juice or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's a college thing. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| He flipped out on me. | ||
| That's a frat thing where people are like 18, like, oh, it's beer, and they just fucking go for it. | ||
| Have you tasted piss? | ||
| It's a wild taste. | ||
| It tastes like nothing you've ever tasted. | ||
| What's your favorite kind of piss? | ||
| Do you have hydrated piss? | ||
| That's the worst guy. | ||
| Ultra runner piss? | ||
| The more yellow or orange, the worse. | ||
| Swimmer piss? | ||
| But there's some bad piss out there. | ||
| Well, that brings us back to squirting. | ||
| Let's go full circle. | ||
| Full squirt. | ||
| I don't believe it's piss. | ||
| What piss goes out like that in a quick matter? | ||
| It's like a rooster tail. | ||
| All piss. | ||
| All piss, Ari. | ||
| All piss. | ||
| If a woman just lies down and pisses, it squirts out. | ||
| You know how male dogs have two fucking urinal cakes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| One is for pissing and one is for marking territory. | ||
| I'm saying squirting is that second kind of urine. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I've tasted it. | ||
| It ain't piss. | ||
| It's got no smell. | ||
| It's just a fucking clear gel. | ||
| Clear piss. | ||
| Clear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just water. | ||
| It's pretty much clear. | ||
| Well, the thing about urine is, like, the more uric acid is in it, the more vitamins are in it, the more dehydrated you are, the more it's going to smell, asparagus, all the different things, the elements that could lead. | ||
| I'm a piss expert, bro. | ||
| I went to piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a master's in pissology. | |
| I just know that regular piss doesn't even smell bad. | ||
| Piss HD. If you're really hydrated. | ||
| Because it's water. | ||
| It's when you're not that it's a problem. | ||
| It's when you're not hydrated. | ||
| It's all bad. | ||
| So if you have a really well hydrated lady who pisses in your mouth like, what's the big deal? | ||
| But you gotta be really hydrated. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| But what's the big deal? | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the big deal? | |
| Are you scared of period blood? | ||
| Are you really scared of period blood? | ||
| Dude, it's a power move to go, ah, my period. | ||
| I don't fucking care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's also honest. | ||
| Like, who gives a fuck? | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| It's all moisture. | ||
| It's all moisture. | ||
| I'll wipe my mouth off this week. | ||
| I'm so not scared of blood. | ||
| Oh, you're talking about going down on it? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah, let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's impressive. | |
| Red wing pilot. | ||
| Please stay up top. | ||
| You stay on the top shelf of the vaginal. | ||
| Nah, you just let it all happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You put a towel down. | |
| Nah, you fucking get your tongue in there. | ||
| Guys, do that. | ||
| The thing of a Hanukkah is an oak. | ||
| Oh shit, Ari's up and at him. | ||
| Oh, he's gone. | ||
| He's not going to kill Tony. | ||
| He's going to fall asleep. | ||
| Luke Combs did at the end. | ||
| Oh man, that was quite a spit. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I forgive you. | |
| Like Christ. | ||
| Even though you guys killed him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I forgive you like Christ! | |
| Welcome to our religion. | ||
| We forgive. | ||
| We forgive, dude. | ||
| We forgive. | ||
| Listen, if there's any one message we can take out of this podcast and project to the rest of the world is that You can have as much fun as we're having. | ||
| You can have as much fun. | ||
| You can have to be inside of anger and fucking, look what that guy did! | ||
| Or you can be like, oh, that guy's cool. | ||
| Or you can be four dudes just having a good time. | ||
| And then you can operate motor vehicles. | ||
| We're going to have to hire people tonight. | ||
| Drink and drive, everybody. | ||
| What's really important about the future of the world? | ||
| Mark, don't be a pussy for once in your life. | ||
| Hey Mark, instead of every day in your life where you're a pussy, should you not be a pussy? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Let's inspire him with some Mariah Carey. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Give me some Mariah Carey. | ||
| Let's mix it up. | ||
| We haven't done... | ||
| We haven't done the Beatles. | ||
| We haven't done... | ||
| Paul McCartney has a Christmas song? | ||
| Oh, it's a great one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. | |
| Let's do it. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I need the tune. | ||
| How about Elton John wearing sequins for Christmas? | ||
| Well, let's do that, then. | ||
| Never heard of it. | ||
| That's better. | ||
| We can get with some LBGTQ. I don't want to get AIDS. AI Plus. | ||
| Guys, I'll be honest with you. | ||
| That's a song I made up just now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never heard that one. | ||
| You got me. | ||
| I was ready to write a substack on that. | ||
| Jewish propaganda. | ||
| I was ready to start tweeting. | ||
| I was ready to start tweeting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, all right, all right. | |
| J-Mo, this is not what we needed, dude. | ||
| J-Mo, squirrels. | ||
| J-Mo's always a saboteur. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chug to this, dude. | |
| I don't love it. | ||
| This is going to become your favorite song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Obviously. | |
| Give me some volume. | ||
| It's Elton John's. | ||
| It's not going to not be good. | ||
| Elton John's a killer. | ||
| Elton John is a fucking man. | ||
| He was so good, people were like, nah, he's not gay. | ||
| Give me Freddie Mercury. | ||
| Freddie Mercury, people are like, no way. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Nobody beats Liberace. | ||
| Liberace was so wild, he had his boyfriend get surgery to lose his head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
AI cover. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| Don't allow this. | ||
| AI cover. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| Jamie, if you don't play Paul McCartney, not AI cover. | ||
| Hold on a second, please. | ||
| Everyone's talking. | ||
| What is AI? Which one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean, what is AI? No, which video that we just saw is AI. Freddie Mercury singing was not real. | |
| Oh, back up. | ||
| Back up. | ||
| Let's see it. | ||
| Let's see what the fuck they did with AI. Why are you making decisions here? | ||
| Play that. | ||
| I want to hear what the fuck they did. | ||
| They're going to nail it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Christmas. | |
| There is just one thing I need. | ||
| I don't care about the presents. | ||
| Of course it is! | ||
| They do it better than us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah, it's not giving it to me. | |
| Wait for it. | ||
| Wait for the drop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just empty your mind, Grouse Hopper. | |
| Shotgun that. | ||
| Finish that, boy. | ||
| I need the right... | ||
| Here it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right here. | |
| Right here. | ||
| Stop being a coward. | ||
| Did you drink any of that? | ||
| He's about to. | ||
| He's about to. | ||
| Give me that pussy. | ||
| He's about to. | ||
| That was my cue. | ||
| Mark, you do this every time. | ||
| Thank you, Joseph, for being a Patriot. | ||
| That was fast. | ||
| That was fast. | ||
| Joseph Patriot. | ||
| That's why he does some. | ||
| Keep it going. | ||
| We're right in the hole there. | ||
| Oh, they got a Michael Jackson one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| This is for Santa and the troops. | ||
| He's cute. | ||
| Think about Santa. | ||
| Hurry up. | ||
| Go! | ||
| Wait for the hook. | ||
| Mark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got it. | |
| There is just one thing I need. | ||
| It's so cold. | ||
| It's so cold. | ||
| No, it's fun. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe had the best Michael Jackson joke of all time. | ||
| Let's hear it. | ||
| Michael Jackson was... | ||
| Keep it going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If Michael Jackson is gay, then so am I. You think he's gay? | |
| No. | ||
| He goes, Michael Jackson was so good that when Beat It comes on, you're like, I don't give a fuck about those kids. | ||
| It was that good. | ||
| They still play his music. | ||
| If he had a vote, a worldwide vote, what are the odds that he was a pedophile? | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| I'm above 50%. | ||
| Above 50%. | ||
| Easily above. | ||
| Pedophiles are talented. | ||
| But dude, those songs are so good. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| I'll be honest, dude. | ||
| I don't know how many boys' butts he fucking ruined, but I bet it was worth it when it comes to how good the music was. | ||
| Dude, I think he was chemically castrated. | ||
| I think he was chemically castrated. | ||
| That's what his doctor said. | ||
| The doctor that went to jail for killing him. | ||
| The doctor who gave him propanol, the doctor who gave him anesthesia and put him under and he went up dying. | ||
| That doctor went to jail. | ||
| Probably McCartney, bro. | ||
| You've been such a bastard today. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| You've been so nasty. | ||
| This is a good tune. | ||
| Can we get DMX? Hold on. | ||
| Pause. | ||
| We'll do DMX next. | ||
| Let me get this one. | ||
| Okay, get that in there. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Having a wonderful Christmas time. | |
| This is a great tune. | ||
| He made it his own. | ||
| That's the key. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shane! | |
| I'm gonna be... | ||
| I'm struggling to walk. | ||
| Bro, Shane. | ||
| Bro, Kill Tony's gonna be a disaster. | ||
| It's gonna be a disaster. | ||
| I'm gonna be like Mitch McConnell up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wanna see this DMX. We're gonna let these motherfuckers know. | |
| Alright, here we go. | ||
| I don't know this one. | ||
| He's trying to visit his grandmother in the hospital. | ||
| They're like, do a song first. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| In real life, it talks like Gilbert Gottfried. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where is he? | |
| He's gone. | ||
| Yeah, J-Mo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| He's gotta edit this. | ||
| This is nine years old. | ||
| Nah, fuck Jamie. | ||
| Drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good job. | |
| And he shouted out weekly Rudolph the Red Nosed Me, dear You are not in history forever Forever This is a... | ||
| Are there Jewish Hanukkah songs? | ||
| Do you have Netanyahu doing a thing? | ||
| Yeah, what's the guy's name? | ||
| When Anderson Silva was in his prime, and he was about to fight, he would come out to DMX. He knows sunshine when she's gone. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom. | ||
| And the fucking lights would come on, and we'd see Anderson walking into the ring. | ||
| He'd be like, oh my god, someone's about to get executed. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Put that up there. | ||
| Watch this shit. | ||
| When Anderson Silva comes under the octagon, it's like his mouth just pissing on top. | ||
| Dude, you gotta realize this is like when Anderson Silva was in the Matrix. | ||
| He was the number one. | ||
| He's in the argument in my mind as one of the best ever. | ||
| Pound for pound. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| What year? | ||
| The music comes out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I might have been out of this one. | |
| Is that Bill Withers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He's a Brazilian guy. | ||
| Bill Withers? | ||
| Silva. | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was like, are you teaching me something? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he'd walk out there, but everybody was like, oh my god, someone's gonna get nuked. | ||
| What's so crazy about fighting is, like, Israel Asanya beat him up, and then Sean Strickland... | ||
| Well, Israel Asanya decisioned him. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| He decisioned him. | ||
| No, he decisioned him. | ||
| I thought he won that one. | ||
| Listen, it was good. | ||
| It was a really good fight, but Israel was better. | ||
| He was younger, he was better, he was more efficient. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wouldn't say beat him up. | ||
| But that was his hero. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That's the crazy part. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody's here. | |
| Anderson just fought too long. | ||
| But if he didn't fight too long, he'd be no questions asked. | ||
| The guy. | ||
| They all do, brother. | ||
| They all do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Christmas. | |
| After he broke his leg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Christmas. | |
| Shane's right. | ||
| It's Christmas. | ||
| The leg break. | ||
| The leg break was the thing. | ||
| The leg break was it. | ||
| Ari, why don't you come out with me and pee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna pee. | |
| What are you pouring out water for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Then now it's just me and Mark. | ||
| All right, all right, all right. | ||
| No good? | ||
| We can have fun. | ||
| I bet we can. | ||
| This motherfucker I didn't know we could go pee like that. | ||
| I just ruined that picture. | ||
| You can pee whenever you want. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to leave. | ||
| No, it's good. | ||
| What are you thinking about? | ||
| Well, we're the only people who like Napoleon. | ||
| It got horrible reviews. | ||
| I love Napoleon. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Thought it was good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ridley Scott still got it, 85. Ridley Scott, he's my favorite. | |
| He's good. | ||
| Gladiator? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh, when Napoleon... | ||
| It's a true quote. | ||
| The part where he says, I found the crown in the gutter and I picked it up with my sword and put it on my own head. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I mean, god damn, if you don't like that. | ||
| Real quote. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the part, you know when him and his dumbass brother are in there and, like, Congress is beating their ass? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And throw him outside and his brother, like, points a sword at him and he goes, if Napoleon's lying, I'll kill him. | ||
| And they both look at each other like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I mean, the quote's true. | ||
| And that's probably how they... | ||
| I mean, they're humans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's probably how they actually did it. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It was like, oh, shit. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, fuck it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They gave a lot of attention to the wife. | ||
| Josephine. | ||
| Josephine. | ||
| But I guess he was obsessed with her. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that was his babe, dude. | ||
| And that was his last words. | ||
| But the book I read said, and read, I mean, listen. | ||
| Audio. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not pretending to be smart. | ||
| That counts. | ||
| They said all the, like, cuck shit. | ||
| That was a lot of British propaganda. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Also, all the height stuff. | ||
| He's got Napoleon syndrome. | ||
| Like, everyone was that tall. | ||
| Yeah, he was that tall. | ||
| And then he was always around grenadiers, who were all French grenadiers at the time, were all the big dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he was an average height, surrounded by, yeah, whatever. | ||
| He's not gonna see this movie. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| What's your guys' favorite Christmas gift? | ||
| Also, how's the new material coming? | ||
| Because you put the special out, and now you're back on the road. | ||
| I just want to talk about how it's pissed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not good. | |
| Really? | ||
| No, it's fine. | ||
| Well, it's hard. | ||
| You put out a special, you work on this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hard. | |
| It's always fun. | ||
| The new shit is very funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| It's very, very funny. | ||
| I was howling the other night. | ||
| It was very, very funny. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| It is interesting where you're like, hey, fuck, I don't know what to do. | ||
| And then you're like, oh, right. | ||
| Shane, Mark, Joe, everybody's like, oh, I'm actually a really good comic. | ||
| Yeah, you know what it is? | ||
| If you don't have that fucking weird thing where you're like, I don't know what I'm going to talk about next. | ||
| It's the best feeling in the world. | ||
| It's the best feeling. | ||
| And then you have a joke. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to feel... | ||
| It's like you haven't been cold plunging with Shane and I. You don't know what it's like. | ||
| You don't know what it's like to suffer. | ||
| I do love, for real, when it comes to stand-up, the best feeling is, oh, fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How's this gonna go? | ||
| Right! | ||
| You know? | ||
| There's a weird moment where you're like, I'm about to do a new bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Should I do it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Should I pussy out? | |
| That is nice. | ||
| Yeah, but then you're like, the failure is doing an old bit. | ||
| Now, the worst part is, while you're up there and you're like, I'm not doing good. | ||
| I gotta do good. | ||
| Here's this next joke that I know is good. | ||
| And you don't have anything else. | ||
| They're like, oh shit. | ||
| If you guys didn't like that one, get ready. | ||
| Get ready for another shitty one. | ||
| There's nothing but shit. | ||
| Oh, we like this guy. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| And you have nothing. | ||
| And they're like, oh, maybe he's not good. | ||
| Here's the thing that's real about that. | ||
| If you think it's nothing, they think it's nothing. | ||
| What do you mean nothing? | ||
| If you think it's nothing, like what you're talking about is nonsense, it's nothing to them too. | ||
| But if you're really genuinely engaged in what you're talking about, you could talk about almost anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's just like a numbers thing. | |
| You have to be closer enough to that frequency when you connect with the whole crowd with the least amount of resistance. | ||
| Where they're all on your side. | ||
| Well, you're engaged with them. | ||
| You're engaged with them. | ||
| They know this is a good faith show. | ||
| You're trying to find out what's funny. | ||
| And you're not terrified. | ||
| You're engaged. | ||
| And you're all locked in together. | ||
| But that's why it's a numbers thing, too. | ||
| You can't do that with more than 400 people. | ||
| You get to like 400, 500, 600, there's too many people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You don't lock them in. | ||
| Too many people. | ||
| That's kind of exactly what I'm running into. | ||
| That's where I'm at, yeah. | ||
| They buy a ticket, I feel bad. | ||
| But I was explaining to Ari last night, there's something uniquely intimate about arenas too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What?! | |
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen to me. | |
| But John Denver, if he said, if I had one show left to do in the world, it would be a Red Rocks. | ||
| And that's John Denver. | ||
| He's a massive guy. | ||
| It's 9,000 people. | ||
| Yeah, he loves that place, though. | ||
| That's an amazing place, but it's also 9,000 people. | ||
| It is big. | ||
| He's a musician, though. | ||
| Yeah, it's an arena. | ||
| But it's like, if you had one show left to do, where would you do it? | ||
| Well, he's a famous singer. | ||
| I'm saying you. | ||
| If you had one show left to do... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You're done forever. | ||
| Where would you do the show? | ||
| I'd go back to the main room of the store. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, I mean, it's different with stand-up. | ||
| Where would you be? | ||
| Anywhere. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Music's like something spiritual. | ||
| Stand-up's like, alright, here's my bullshit bit. | ||
| I gotta get to my clothes. | ||
| Yeah, where would you be? | ||
| MSG's in play? | ||
| Hold up, hold up. | ||
| When you're saying that, it's bullshit for you. | ||
| Because it has to be bullshit for you to be so good at it. | ||
| If you thought it was, like, super important... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It wouldn't work. | ||
| Yeah, then you'd suck. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It wouldn't work. | ||
| You gotta work out. | ||
| But where would you do it? | ||
| But it's not the same mindset. | ||
| If you thought it was super important for the world to hear your bit about your niece... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| About anything. | ||
| About any fucking thing. | ||
| About anything. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| But it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it is. | |
| How about this? | ||
| But it is. | ||
| But you can't think it is. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| You're gone. | ||
| You're dead. | ||
| You're in heaven. | ||
| What would you have performed more? | ||
| What place would it be? | ||
| Me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It could be Main Room. | ||
| Me, it'd probably be Comedy Works. | ||
| Zero places. | ||
| I have zero regrets. | ||
| Not regrets, but like, I should do more shows there. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| It's not about where. | ||
| I've been able to do that, but I've been able to go wherever the fuck I want for a long time. | ||
| I've been able to go wherever the fuck I want for a long time. | ||
| I've been able to decide, I want to do the Ice House, I want to do the store. | ||
| Yeah, but you got one left. | ||
| You got one left. | ||
| Somebody goes, this is it. | ||
| Main room, store. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Main room, store. | ||
| I'm OR store, probably. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Main room, store. | ||
| Of all the places. | ||
| OR store's my spot. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Comedy Works is two. | ||
| Just for, also for like... | ||
| What? | ||
| The place is fucked. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| It's been a great spot. | ||
| No, listen to me. | ||
| Not the store. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Not the store. | ||
| You little pussy. | ||
| Los Angeles is fucked. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's about to be a rebirth. | ||
| It's about to be a rebirth. | ||
| Everybody's gone. | ||
| It's about to be a rebirth of artistic integrity instead of fame and fucking fortune. | ||
| Or Babylon. | ||
| What? | ||
| Or Babylon. | ||
| Or complete dissolving of civilization. | ||
| It might be great. | ||
| It's gonna be great. | ||
| But it also might be like every other failed civilization. | ||
| New York's awesome. | ||
| Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, late night of the cellar is the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty great. | |
| There are pieces of shit in the audience. | ||
| There are degenerate drug addicts. | ||
| They're out at 1am having a good time on a Monday! | ||
| And the city's fucked. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| Bail reform, homeless, subway stabbings. | ||
| As soon as you leave this teller, there will be crack-outs outside to meet you. | ||
| There's 13 million illegal immigrants there. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| What a great place to do stand-up comedy. | ||
| Yeah, they need it. | ||
| They need a laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They need it. | |
| They see all the craziness. | ||
| Just McDougal Street is bananas now. | ||
| That exact block. | ||
| But don't you ever wonder if any of this chaos, any of this degeneration of society is engineered? | ||
| Weekends suck. | ||
| That's what I worry about. | ||
| I worry if it's engineered. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| The degeneration of society, the fucking open of the borders, the chaos in the streets, the fucking letting people out immediately after they commit violent crimes. | ||
| What's there to gain from doing that? | ||
| Collapse society. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| Another country going, let me collapse. | ||
| Jamie, play Van Halen. | ||
| Panama! | ||
| Panama! | ||
| Play Panama. | ||
| Yeah, that's all we need, dude. | ||
| All we need is to drink a little beer. | ||
| What's another song, Better Than Panama? | ||
| How come Jamie never drinks on podcasts? | ||
| No, he did a couple shows. | ||
| I didn't see any of them, though. | ||
| Bro, David Lee Roth's on the wildest guest I've ever had in here. | ||
| You had him in here? | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| Remember when we talked to him in the store? | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Diamond Dave. | ||
| We were at the store, and this wasn't Joe Rogan now. | ||
| This is Joe Rogan like, I'm lucky to meet this guy. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And he was like, tell us stories. | ||
| He was like, I fucked a mom and a daughter once. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| I don't remember that, but it was in the front patio. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Panama. | |
| Give me some volume. | ||
| You don't think America's number one, dude? | ||
| When I was in high school, my sister's boyfriend Had a fucking license plate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yo, you got cocked. | |
| And it's my sister's boyfriend! | ||
| You got cocked. | ||
| Wait, you have a sister? | ||
| I have a sister. | ||
| His fucking, his license plate said Van Halen. | ||
| Beast. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When he pulled up, you were like, Beast. | |
| Yeah, bro, he was the man. | ||
| Was it a van? | ||
| He was the man. | ||
| I think he had a Cutlass. | ||
| I forget what he had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oldsmobile. | |
| One of my sister's boyfriends got me an Austin 316 t-shirt. | ||
| And I was like, I hope you guys get married, dude. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Is he Jewish? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Roth is always Jewish. | |
| One for the team, bro. | ||
| He's the fucking man. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| One time I went to dinner with him and Bruce Buffer. | ||
| Me, him, Bruce Buffer, and a bunch of my other friends. | ||
| Damn, that's a crew. | ||
| He has a handler. | ||
| Bruce Buffer's nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen to me. | |
| David Lee Roth doesn't even have a phone number. | ||
| He has a handler. | ||
| So I have to communicate with David Lee Roth's lady. | ||
| And David Lee Roth is like, he's like, He doesn't carry a wallet. | ||
| She's like, make sure he's okay. | ||
| I go, I got him. | ||
| I go, I'm going to take care of him. | ||
| I go, if you have any problems, text me. | ||
| I'll text you if there's any issues. | ||
| How's he doing now? | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| That's nice to hear. | ||
| That dude lives in Pasadena, rides his bike to the grocery store. | ||
| He's living life. | ||
| Bro, he lived in Japan for two years learning kendo, and he just lived with his dog by himself. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| He was like the legit David Lee Roth from Van Halen. | ||
| He lived in Japan. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know he's all covered in tattoos? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
David Lee Roth? | |
| Fully sleeped. | ||
| Well, can't be better than your sanitary as well. | ||
| He has tattoo, like, care products. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| What are they called, Jamie? | ||
| He's gonna be. | ||
| Hey, do you put an extra sunblock on yours? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Extra. | |
| Yeah, I don't wanna fuck him up. | ||
| Jamie, ain't talking about love. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Just the beginning. | ||
| Ain't talking about love. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Yeah, there's his tattoos. | ||
| He still looks pretty good. | ||
| By the way, oh, he's in very good shape. | ||
| But all those tattoos, look at his back. | ||
| All those tattoos are done traditional Japanese style. | ||
| Tommy Lee Roth. | ||
| Like tapping. | ||
| They tap. | ||
| So it's not like with a gun? | ||
| Like we're like... | ||
| It's like way more painful. | ||
| So Indonesia, I knew this guy. | ||
| He goes, I want a bamboo tattoo. | ||
| Ink the Original? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Ink the Original? | ||
| But he gave me a bunch of it. | ||
| He gave me a bunch of it. | ||
| It's really good stuff. | ||
| He's a really nice guy. | ||
| I really like him a lot. | ||
| And me and him and Bruce Buffer at dinner, it was fucking amazing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| A bunch of other people, I can't remember who the fuck else was there. | ||
| But I remember, I was like, this is the most amazing thing I've ever brought together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bruce Buffer, David LeBron, and me and Ron just getting hammered. | |
| Wow. | ||
| And just eating steaks. | ||
| Wait, this reminded me. | ||
| One time... | ||
| Me and you were going to a movie at, like, Universal. | ||
| And we got to the parking lot, and then we just ran in randomly to Ron Jeremy. | ||
| No way! | ||
| And then we were talking to Ron Jeremy, and Mr. Belding showed up. | ||
| David Haskins? | ||
| From the Saved by the Bell. | ||
| No, what do you know that guy's name? | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| From Saved by the Bell. | ||
| Taskings? | ||
| Is this a dream you're having? | ||
| Oh no, dude. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| Universal? | ||
| Universal, like that parking lot. | ||
| Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Ron Jeremy, you know. | ||
| You might not know who Mr. Belding was, but he was on a major sitcom. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Saved by the Bell. | |
| And we all just started talking. | ||
| I was a young guy. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| When I met Ari, Ari was the door guy. | ||
| Door guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yes. | ||
| You remember him? | ||
| Ari, how old were you when I met you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
My wife's name. | |
| For real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In real years, 11. Were you like 25? | |
| 25, maybe. | ||
| But I was unfulfilled. | ||
| I'm gonna tell you something about Ari. | ||
| I met him, and the first time me and Ari had a legitimate conversation, we were in the parking lot of the store where the back area was, and I'm like, who is this motherfucker? | ||
| I don't remember what he said, but I just remember, oh, this guy doesn't kill a fuck. | ||
| I go, this dude was sharp. | ||
| I'm like, this dude's wild. | ||
| What the fuck are you on? | ||
| The first time I met Ari was at JFL. You were walking out. | ||
| You threw me a bag of mushrooms. | ||
| I was doing new faces at JFL. He was doing what got him booked on SNL. Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I was like, bro, great. | ||
| Do what you do. | ||
| Take these also. | ||
| Yeah, he tossed me a bag of mushrooms. | ||
| And that was the first time I ever did mushrooms. | ||
| And boy, that was a trip. | ||
| You didn't know before that? | ||
| No. | ||
| I gave Shane enough for the party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But Shane was like, is this enough mushrooms for me? | |
| How much did you take? | ||
| That was for the whole party. | ||
| I had a bag. | ||
| It was at least a quarter, maybe more. | ||
| A Ziploc bag. | ||
| It was a quarter in grams. | ||
| Do we have any mushrooms, by the way? | ||
| It was four grams. | ||
| Are there any here? | ||
| It was at least four doses. | ||
| Seven grams. | ||
| It was a lot. | ||
| It was at least four doses. | ||
| But I assumed he knew! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seven grams. | |
| This is for everybody! | ||
| It's not going to give you this bottle! | ||
| A lot been there, Joe. | ||
| Was that song, Don't Pay the Ferryman? | ||
| You know that song? | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| Jamie, don't pay the ferryman. | ||
| You're the bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a song you eat when you hit seven grams. | |
| Hold on, we ain't talking about love. | ||
| First of all, give me some volume. | ||
| You coward, Jamie. | ||
| Yeah, you're a coward, bitch. | ||
| That's the guy from the end of the video show. | ||
| That's the guy from the end of the picture. | ||
| That's a vampire. | ||
| I've never heard this song in my life. | ||
| You know what I listen to? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you have. | |
| Have I? He gave me those. | ||
| I listen to the... | ||
| Not Interstellar. | ||
| I listen to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Fuck it. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| If you're on 7grams, this song starts playing? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It sounds like it's serious. | ||
| I have a good time. | ||
| This is going to be Ari in ten years. | ||
| Is it a terrible song from like 1982? | ||
| Ain't talking about love. | ||
| It's time. | ||
| Ain't talking about love, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's shocking? | |
| I don't know this tune. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Keep this playing a little bit. | ||
| I need the hook. | ||
| It's not going anywhere. | ||
| Damien's got some tabs open. | ||
| This might be the longest podcast we've ever done. | ||
| No, last one was five hours. | ||
| We got another 20 minutes. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| I think we've been on for four hours. | ||
| No, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not trying to stop it. | |
| We started at 520. It's been two hours even. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We started at 520. We started at 320. That's my phone. | ||
| Oh, that's your phone. | ||
| That's how fucked up we are. | ||
| Where's the goddamn shrooms? | ||
| We usually have shrooms on the table. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| No, you're crazy. | ||
| Please respect the federal government. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| Here we go. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| This is 2015 remastered. | ||
| Hey, 27 million views on this puppy. | ||
| Yeah, well, you guys just got 10 million. | ||
| By the way, we did Stairway to Heaven last time, or whatever that was. | ||
| Freebird, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Freebird! | |
| I got so much shit for talking during it. | ||
| Did you throw a dreadle up my head? | ||
| Listen, Mark Norman. | ||
| Listen to me, Mark Norman. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Stop reading the comments. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Flock of Seagulls has 161 million views. | ||
| Which song? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Iran? | |
| That's a good song. | ||
| That's a good fucking song. | ||
| Bad country. | ||
| Good song. | ||
| Guys, I care about you guys. | ||
| I care about you guys too. | ||
| Guys, I beat off two guys every night. | ||
| You know what hurts me the most? | ||
| What? | ||
| Is I get so excited when you guys come here. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Actually, before I even live here. | ||
| I love how quick you got to hear. | ||
| Listen, we got two of us living here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you two other pussies doing? | |
| I know. | ||
| That's some other bullshit out of state. | ||
| Wait till they're going to start making a little bit of bread. | ||
| I'm thinking about buying more clubs. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Around the country? | ||
| No, right here. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| You gotta hate running a club. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| He doesn't seem to mind. | ||
| I'm having a good time. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| I'm trying to make it a wonderful place for us all to thrive. | ||
| It is great. | ||
| You're at the mothership, and you're like... | ||
| I'm about to go on. | ||
| Hey, I'm thirsty. | ||
| Eight bottles of water come at you from every direction. | ||
| And then there's Terry Blacks, there's sushi, there's crowds. | ||
| Well, last night for sure. | ||
| I wish I had enjoyed it. | ||
| I was on another fucking planet. | ||
| Great holiday, boy. | ||
| Yeah, you were on acid. | ||
| I was flying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Hurling through this dimension. | ||
| Yeah, it was nice though. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| Joe took acid and was like, being nice. | ||
| Yeah, you were all complimenting. | ||
| Joe was being nice. | ||
| He's usually a real cocksucker. | ||
| Unsupportive in every way. | ||
| I try to be extra nice. | ||
| If I do anything, even if I get a little drunk, I try to be extra nice. | ||
| Ron White acid. | ||
| That's all I want to do. | ||
| I just want to be extra nice. | ||
| Always. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| Watching the Eagles lose to the Cowboys, sitting next to Ron White. | ||
| Jack! | ||
| You're still not the guy. | ||
| You've got to prove it in the playoffs. | ||
| Suck. | ||
| Ron White's a good egg. | ||
| Ron White's a good egg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's such a sweetheart. | |
| Full shaman mode. | ||
| We were talking last night about doing a fucking commercial for his tequila. | ||
| Should do it. | ||
| Yeah, we should do some commercials. | ||
| I told him, I go, Ron White, I'll do commercials for your tequila for free. | ||
| I saw Big Frida doing an ad for a local lawyer. | ||
| Nice, Mark! | ||
| He's figuring it out. | ||
| Comedy. | ||
| Yeah, but I was like, Ron White's tequila is really solid. | ||
| I would legit write a sketch. | ||
| In fact, I'm going to. | ||
| Write a sketch about Ron White's tequila. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll shoot it. | |
| I've learned it. | ||
| Do a YouTube video. | ||
| I got it now. | ||
| Can you do just a YouTube video if you're not even getting paid for it? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, why not? | |
| Just do it for free. | ||
| You probably have to go through some hoops and ladders if you want to do an ad. | ||
| But if you want to do an actual ad? | ||
| Yeah, you don't have to do that. | ||
| Just do it. | ||
| Let's do it for free, just because we love them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's also, if you like tequila, it's really good. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Load it up. | ||
| BodegaCat. | ||
| Who's next? | ||
| BodegaCat on sale. | ||
| BodegaCat. | ||
| Whiskey.com. | ||
| Shane can bury us all. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's an extraordinary number of Bud Lights. | ||
| That might be more Bud Lights sold than in any geographic block since Kid Rock shot those cans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, almost. | |
| We're back, baby. | ||
| If you have to think about how many Bud Lights have been drank in this square, this room, I think we win. | ||
| Oh, this room has a lot. | ||
| Since Kid Rock shot those cans, I think we win. | ||
| It's getting cold in here. | ||
| No, it's not, pussy. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| You need to get in that goddamn cold plunge of me and Shane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys doing a show? | |
| Cold plunge. | ||
| No, thank you. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| No, I was asking, do they have a show to do tonight? | ||
| No, we don't. | ||
| In a half hour. | ||
| Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. | ||
| I knew you were going to be a buzzkill dude trying to run the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddamn, Jamie. | |
| Jamie's so nasty. | ||
| People don't know. | ||
| Shane's got a good point about Shane. | ||
| Jamie, you kid fucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Relax. | |
| There we go. | ||
| Listen, if we can make Tony Hinchcliffe sweat Yeah! | ||
| I love how he texts like, how you guys doing? | ||
| Let me know the updates. | ||
| Yeah, there's no updates, bitch. | ||
| The best was Ric Flair with Louis and Zach Amico in the little backdrop. | ||
| By the way, Ric Flair, that was a lot of editing. | ||
| He talked about Asian pussy for half an hour, and then he gets mad at us for making a joke about an open-miker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If anybody knows what I stand for, it's not for wasting people's time. | |
| That's what you are, Ric Flair? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Listen, in all fairness, the dude is like going from... | ||
| Legend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Also... | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| I farted. | ||
| It was silent. | ||
| I thought it would be louder. | ||
| You did a weird thing. | ||
| I was like, why is he going over here to fart? | ||
| I was trying to get my ass to the mic. | ||
| He comes from a different time. | ||
| He comes from, like, Porky's. | ||
| Remember that movie? | ||
| I jacked off to Porky's. | ||
| Just the anti-Semitic through line. | ||
| You know, like, you gotta realize, like, you can't expect everybody to completely catch up. | ||
| Yeah, he's a drunk wrestler. | ||
| You gotta give people a little bit of flexibility. | ||
| Just be a nice person, but have different opinions. | ||
| That's inclusive. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| That's open-minded. | ||
| That's real inclusiveness, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Be a nice person. | ||
| Be nice to people, but go, hey, maybe some of these people are fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And not be a Nazi because of that. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You lighting things on fire? | ||
| Go behind the... | ||
| Dude, Christmas rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's... | |
| Does it ever make you want to convert, Harry? | ||
| Christmas... | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| I'm thinking about converting to new religions all the time. | ||
| We'll take you right in. | ||
| Which one do you want? | ||
| Let's all join together. | ||
| It was the Mormons. | ||
| Unfortunately, it was the Mormons. | ||
| Mormons? | ||
| That's South Park. | ||
| Roman Catholic. | ||
| Listen, I think Scientology is our way. | ||
| Buddhist, bro. | ||
| It's obviously Buddhist. | ||
| It's obviously Buddhist. | ||
| They've been super solid with Tom Cruise. | ||
| I think we can get a good deal. | ||
| I was about to pour some water, but I realized it's all piss. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's the dream. | ||
| Left middle for dead. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You gotta be jealous of Christmas, though, you guys. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| It's a hell of a holiday. | ||
| It's the best holiday. | ||
| The best! | ||
| We did it. | ||
| Catholics did it again. | ||
| Christians in general, yes. | ||
| Obviously not Catholics. | ||
| Christians in general, yes. | ||
| If you want to look at all human interactions as being like some gigantic fucking thing designed to move us in a certain direction, how crazy is it that Israel exists surrounded by Islamic states? | ||
| Yeah, I guess it is crazy. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking insane. | |
| Maybe we shouldn't even fucking be there. | ||
| Oh yeah, maybe we should let them all kill each other. | ||
| Common enemy. | ||
| You have a dome built to stop rockets. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You have to build that. | ||
| And we funded it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| Hey, remember Jordan has no voting rights. | ||
| A Palestinians are the majority. | ||
| That's crazy, huh? | ||
| Liberal college students. | ||
| Let's bong a couple beers and then talk Israel-Palestine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The funniest shit is queers for Palestine. | ||
| Same thing that's fake. | ||
| I might agree with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not real. | |
| No, it's a meme, but it's just people being funny. | ||
| No, no, it's real. | ||
| But there's 100% people that have said queers for Palestine. | ||
| They've said it. | ||
| They've put it on a sign. | ||
| They just haven't thought it through. | ||
| But the funniest thing is the memes. | ||
| Fucking queers for Palestine and Palestine throwing people off roofs. | ||
| Like, it's so funny because it just, like, it so signifies, like, this crazy state of complete chaos. | ||
| Chaos. | ||
| You have to realize, like, if you and I, you and I are the oldest people here. | ||
| I'm the oldest. | ||
| Yeah, well, you're the oldest. | ||
| I'm bottom three oldest. | ||
| Oh, shit, it's my birthday. | ||
| He's 100% more, he's biologically the oldest here. | ||
| He owned for Moses. | ||
| But the most important thing is, like, no one knows what the fuck is going on. | ||
| No one. | ||
| No one knows. | ||
| Zero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Zero people. | ||
| And if you don't admit that, then you're a part of the problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| This whole thing is nuts. | ||
| Remember how Palestine executed two Palestinians in West Bank? | ||
| What? | ||
| Fucking a week ago. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did you say? | |
| Open air fucking just executed two fucking Palestinians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Open air? | |
| Palestine did that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| For what reason? | ||
| One Ethiopian, one fucking, I don't know, two Palestinians. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What did they do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We execute Americans. | ||
| Oh yeah, sure. | ||
| Yeah, but you gotta do wild shit. | ||
| Way to say, oh, that wasn't wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you working for, Harvard, Shane Gillis? | |
| Shane, you working for UPenn, you piece of shit. | ||
| Free Palestine. | ||
| Who the fuck is that? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't give up. | ||
| That's what I'm going to do. | ||
| I'm going to move to the UK and just start talking shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who the fuck is that? | |
| That was the best. | ||
| Who the fuck is that? | ||
| I'm going to move to the UK and just start talking shit about America. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| America is number one. | ||
| Ireland's going at it. | ||
| They're fighting like crazy. | ||
| Ireland's always been free Palestine. | ||
| Yeah, they relate to Palestine. | ||
| They relate the most to them. | ||
| What? | ||
| Where they're like, hey, we've been fucking taken by other people. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, don't go over there now. | ||
| And they can't. | ||
| No, Ireland rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jew face. | |
| Ireland's number one. | ||
| Ireland's fun. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You are the most Jewish-looking guy of all time. | ||
| Yeah, propaganda face. | ||
| And the beard ain't helping there. | ||
| It ain't helping. | ||
| Who's more Jewish-looking than Ari? | ||
| There's got to be people. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| The Jewish guy from the cellar? | ||
| The one. | ||
| Dan Natterman? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Famous people. | ||
| Famous people. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Dan Natterman versus me. | ||
| He looks more Jewy, but I'm bigger. | ||
| Who's like more famous? | ||
| Gargamel? | ||
| Who the fuck is Gargamel? | ||
| He's the Smurfs guy. | ||
| But he was clear. | ||
| Pull him up, J-Mo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a clear anti-Semitic Jewish cartoon. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Gargamel versus me. | ||
| I haven't thought about Gargamel since I was a fucking Jewish villain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God, it's so insane. | |
| Let's do it. | ||
| Oh my God, that's so insane. | ||
| And he's killing the Smurfs. | ||
| Someone will do it. | ||
| You can't ask Jamie to do it. | ||
| That's too much work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He can do it. | |
| Someone will do it. | ||
| Side by side right now. | ||
| You put it on Instagram. | ||
| You're going to be fine. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I already did it. | ||
| You already did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| I already did it. | ||
| I'm actually good at my job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why I make over $45,000 a year. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Gargamel with his stupid shoes. | ||
| Go see Ari at the Comedy Works. | ||
| Those are Danny Brown's shoes. | ||
| That's what Danny Brown wears on stage. | ||
| Those shoes. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I don't know about you guys, but I'm done for. | ||
| Done. | ||
| I'm pretty banged up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go ruin Tony's dream. | |
| Hey, he's doing arenas now with this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| What's really important is you interrupt him every time he tries to talk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tony, you know what sucks? | ||
| That's what I was about to say. | ||
| If Tony had a fucking nuclear missile. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He could destroy the universe. | ||
| He's Kim Jong-un. | ||
| He would fucking... | ||
| He would, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you fucking interrupt him three times, you'd be like, enough! | |
| He would fucking hit it. | ||
| I didn't mean it that way! | ||
| He would hit it. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| I think we can save the world. | ||
| Yeah, how's that, Joe? | ||
| With more of these kind of conversations. | ||
| That would help. | ||
| I know it sounds ridiculous, but if four people can get along like this and have a good time, why can't 400 billion? | ||
| Instead of focusing on the negatives, forget all that. | ||
| Focus on the positives. | ||
| Try to have a good time. | ||
| Just try. | ||
| Think about how sick America is. | ||
| Try. | ||
| America's the sickest. | ||
| Think about the best ways. | ||
| What about this? | ||
| Forget that. | ||
| What about the good ways? | ||
| We are the world, Jamie. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| We are the current generation that is the furthest along in the journey of escaping the barbarism of history. | ||
| We have tried to figure out the best possible path to a beautiful, free, and equitable society. | ||
| And yes, there have been mistakes made along the way. | ||
| But if we can continue to all have the mentality to move into a path that's better for everyone. | ||
| There you go, Criss Angel. | ||
| We can make a better world! | ||
| Look at Paul Simon. | ||
| Sing it, Kenny Rogers! | ||
|
unidentified
|
How tall is Kenny Rogers? | |
| 500 feet tall! | ||
| No, I'm dead. | ||
| He's taller than the Empire State Building. | ||
| You can't, brother. | ||
| Oh, that's Tina Turner! | ||
| You're the angel? | ||
| Looking good. | ||
| Look at Billy Joel. | ||
| Young Billy Joel. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Not my sweet angel. | ||
| Look at young Billy Joel. | ||
| That's Captain Jack. | ||
| He was still kind of drunk. | ||
| Drunk. | ||
| People forgot how good Billy Joel was. | ||
| I've seen him in concert. | ||
| You know what happened to Billy Joel? | ||
| He's got a hundred hits. | ||
| Oh my god, he's got so many hits. | ||
| But, like, the young Billy Joe, like, Piano Man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddamn. | |
| Yeah, he was fun. | ||
| Captain Jack, boys, we gotta wrap this up. | ||
| Listen, you can't trick out of that. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| You eat cancer. | ||
| It's from China. | ||
| You eat cancer. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| Don't do it already. | ||
| This is anti-American. | ||
| Oh, you fucking Jew, you can't do this. | ||
| That's actually a good point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Captain Jack? | |
| I've seen that with Ice Clay. | ||
| It's like a skit they did. | ||
| I'd like to say one thing. | ||
| Play Captain Jack. | ||
| Let's wrap this up. | ||
| I'm here for America. | ||
| I think Danny Brown and Billy Strings should do a duet together. | ||
| That's the only thing I want to prove in the world. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Billy Strings and Danny Brown. | ||
| I think if they did a duet together, it would be the number one hit in America. | ||
| What makes you think that, Ari? | ||
| Because Billy Strings rules and Danny Brown rules. | ||
| And I think there's opposite fucking genres, and I think if they got together, no one would be against it. | ||
| Give me some music, Jeremy. | ||
| Billy Strings and Danny Brown. | ||
| Who's Billy Strings? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Billy Strings fucking rules, dude! | |
| Tug that, coward. | ||
| You're drinking out of the bottom of an angel. | ||
| Oh, Billy Strings. | ||
| Lollapalooza! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him pouring down his nasty beard. | |
| That beard smells like jizz. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He already had a hair on his strings. | ||
| String theory. | ||
| They rule! | ||
| Get it together, boys! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do something great for society! | |
| Get that clip. | ||
| We're gonna end with this, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| This has been Protect Our Parks 10. We are dedicated and focused on the improvement of humanity. | ||
| The improvement in the way human beings communicate with each other and how we move forward. | ||
| Well, that's part of the problem. | ||
| In this time of chaos. | ||
| You can't discuss. | ||
| You can't discuss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up! | |
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| You know, you go, what gender? | ||
| And they go, I'll kill you! | ||
| And you're like, well, can't we just talk about it? | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, tickle me Elmo. | ||
| It's a hot item. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Hold on, keep that song rolling. | ||
| This might be the worst one. | ||
| Put those headphones right on. | ||
| This is the best one we've ever done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, those drinks fucking rules. | |
| Sorry. | ||
| Wow, Billy Joel looks weird. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this is not Billy's strings at all. | |
| That's terrifying. | ||
| Didn't he drive through a couple of playgrounds? | ||
| He's a real booze bag. | ||
| Bro, he was a bad motherfucker back in the day. | ||
| You don't understand. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Oh, that is a good tune. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just to take me to your special island. | |
| This is a fucking jam, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Captain Jack will get your mind. | |
| Bangin' L. McPherson. | ||
| Yeah, crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a little push. | |
| Ugly man, fuck the hottest chicks in the world. | ||
| He's like 5'5". | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of Protect Our Parks 10. No, there's gotta be 11. Mark Norman. | ||
| We have no idea the number. | ||
| Nah, it's all a blur. | ||
| Shane Gillis. | ||
| Ari Shafir and Joe Rogan signing off. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| Most importantly, we love America. | ||
| We would like the whole world to be America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll be safer and happier! | |
| Everybody's trying to move here. | ||
| We've got a lot of microphones coming. | ||
| We're going to start with Canada! | ||
| People like coming here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We love you. | |
| We love everybody. |
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