Sept. 5, 2023 - The Joe Rogan Experience
05:04:43
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| It starts. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| The pun gun. | ||
| Come on, boys. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Oh, sunglasses. | ||
| I'm not yet. | ||
| They're options. | ||
| I'm ready. | ||
| I need them. | ||
| Norman doesn't fuck around. | ||
| He gets here, he's got them ready to go. | ||
| The lights hurt my eyes. | ||
| Well, you had a rough one last night, huh? | ||
| The city brings out the evil in me. | ||
| It's a party town. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It's always been a party town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great. | |
| It's a fun town. | ||
| You guys went to see Nether Hour, too, right? | ||
| Yeah, it was fun. | ||
| Those guys are cool. | ||
| They're really good. | ||
| I've only seen them after the Vulcan shows, but this was like the first time I saw them like their own show. | ||
| And they were like, oh, you're crushing it. | ||
| And Uncle Lazer! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Uncle Lazer got on and fucking played the harmonica. | ||
| I just thought he was a local coke fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Phenomenal! | |
| He is definitely a local coke fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought that's all he was. | |
| A lot of guys who do coke also are good at harmonica. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| I like that guy. | ||
| He's funny. | ||
| He's fun. | ||
| Good energy. | ||
| It's like, he ain't faking it. | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| You know, I mean, that's that guy. | ||
| He's a wild boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I had, like, one heart-to-heart with him, and he pulled me aside. | ||
| He didn't break character at all. | ||
| He was like, brother, let me ask you something. | ||
| I was like, oh, man, you're crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What a night. | ||
| Ric Flair, Waka Flocka, Uncle Lazer. | ||
| Waka Flocka, Uncle Lazer. | ||
| Like a Mad Lib. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was crazy. | |
| It's fun, right? | ||
| It's funny, too, because my uncle is named Uncle Lazer. | ||
| He was a cantor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's hilarious. | |
| Every time I hear that name, I'm like, Uncle Lazer. | ||
| Your uncle's name was Uncle Lazer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You had an Uncle Lazer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Was he a fucking American gladiator? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What'd he do? | |
| He was a Holocaust survivor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nitro. | |
| Bro, did you guys hear the story about those American gladiators? | ||
| They got, like, no money. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they got, like, no money. | ||
| They were celebrities. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They got fucked. | ||
| They got royally fucked. | ||
| The Holocaust is the ultimate, uh, obstacle course. | ||
| I was reading something about it. | ||
| Jamie, were you the one who told me about it, Jamie? | ||
| Yeah, it was a documentary. | ||
| There's two documentaries actually. | ||
| Hey, praise Allah! | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's so good to see you guys. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Number nine? | ||
| Ten? | ||
| Nine. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| Nine. | ||
| Nine, nine, nine, nine. | ||
| Those American Gladiators, bro, that's like pro wrestling. | ||
| That job. | ||
| That's a hard-ass job. | ||
| That's like you're crashing into people and stuff. | ||
| You're taking people down. | ||
| You're fucking battling with big Q-tips. | ||
| You're taking steroids and you're just spearing strangers. | ||
| They beat the fuck out of some people. | ||
| Oh, they really unloaded on those guys, too. | ||
| They were like... | ||
| They barely got paid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was NBC too, wasn't it? | |
| Remember that hamster wheel they would run in? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Yeah, one of those broke, and I went in the guy's back and said he needed 75 stitches. | ||
| The hamster wheel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I used to love that Ninja Warrior show. | ||
| Oh, that's just great. | ||
| Bro, some people are really good at that. | ||
| It's very entertaining. | ||
| Like, to be really good at that, you gotta be a fucking athlete. | ||
| You know who the best was? | ||
| Like, the 106-pound women. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they could just hold themselves up forever. | ||
| You know, we found that on Fear Factor. | ||
| When we did, like, these guys had to hang from a pole over some water. | ||
| And the men broke way before the women. | ||
| Yeah, well, they're lighter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| It's the only thing they're better at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Die! | |
| They say hanging is, like, really good for you just to hang. | ||
| I mean, not for Epstein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do it every day. | |
| They'll have to sit down. | ||
| I do that every day. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I do that every day, and then I also have this thing that I do where I hinge from my waist. | ||
| Go upside down? | ||
| Yeah, but you don't go upside down from your ankles. | ||
| The same company makes it, but I prefer this one because all the weight is literally from your waist forward. | ||
| You're not holding any weight in your legs, which I think makes you more tense, and you might tense your back up. | ||
| With this, you just lean forward. | ||
| What is that thing called, Jamie? | ||
| We talked about it a gang of times. | ||
| Dex. | ||
| The decks, too. | ||
| We have one of those out here. | ||
| That thing is the shit. | ||
| That is the shit for your back, man. | ||
| You also do, like, back extension exercises on it, but just to hang there, I hang there in the mornings. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, I get in there and just, I feel everything go pop, pop, pop, pop. | ||
| You ever put the wife in there and really give it to her? | ||
| Hey, easy. | ||
| This is a family show. | ||
| Making all these positions there. | ||
| Yeah, you could do a lot with that. | ||
| You ever do just like a jumping jack? | ||
| Just like a basic thing? | ||
| Do I? Yeah. | ||
| No, I do not do that. | ||
| But it's a good move. | ||
| Jumping jacks are really good. | ||
| Yeah, trampoline, very good. | ||
| That side-to-side shit. | ||
| I used to do a lot of those. | ||
| A lot of side-to-side things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Till my last knee issue. | ||
| Jumping jacks is when I knew we were going to lose the war in Iraq. | ||
| You ever see those videos of those guys teaching the Iraqi military? | ||
| They're like, alright, we're gonna do physical fitness. | ||
| Oh, like the terrorists? | ||
| Not the terrorists, the Iraqi police. | ||
| And the guys that were on our side. | ||
| So we had our guys training them, and they would try to do jumping jacks, and it was like... | ||
| Yeah, let's watch some of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I didn't know that. | ||
| They can't do jumping jacks. | ||
| ISIS does the bars. | ||
| ISIS is monkey bars. | ||
| Yeah, monkey bars. | ||
| Monkey bars? | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Did you guys ever see those videos of like kids in the 1960s in high school doing physical fitness? | ||
| Everybody's like ripped and they're all doing chin-ups. | ||
| They're all doing monkey bars. | ||
| They're like swinging. | ||
| Yeah, they're ripped. | ||
| They have 12 packs. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's plastic. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of preservatives in the food. | ||
| This is Ninja Warrior. | ||
| What fucking secret knowledge? | ||
| The secret knowledge of jumping jacks has been... | ||
| This guy can't separate his legs at all. | ||
| This guy's hilarious. | ||
| He's opening and closing every jump. | ||
| It's like when the black comic brings the white guy on the dance. | ||
| These guys are amazing. | ||
| He's doing the Kremlin dance. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| We're gonna win! | ||
| It's like they're doing the YMCA. It does look like that! | ||
| It's fun to stay at the... | ||
| Ah, yes, yes. | ||
| Bro, everyone sucks. | ||
| One guy quit. | ||
| He was like, I'm done. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| I'm all about Al-Aqbar, but these jumping jacks are too much. | ||
| It's too stupid. | ||
| Why am I doing this? | ||
| When is this going to come up? | ||
| I just want to kill myself. | ||
| When is this going to come up? | ||
| Oh, my body feels better. | ||
| A touch. | ||
| A touch of the poison. | ||
| Yeah, so here's the kids. | ||
| Look at these freaks, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| These are fucking young boys in 1962. Well, they were scared of the race war. | ||
| This is all before plastic hit. | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| Preservatives. | ||
| It's plastics! | ||
| Body shaming. | ||
| Plastics? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Microplastics. | ||
| Not an ounce of body fat. | ||
| There are endocrine disruptors. | ||
| What? | ||
| Well, there was war in the air. | ||
| You still had to fight in the war. | ||
| There was war in the air. | ||
| You know, World War II had just ended. | ||
| We were talking about going to Vietnam. | ||
| This is ninja warrior shit. | ||
| Look at these kids, animals. | ||
| This is sexy. | ||
| Look at this! | ||
| They're all shirtless and sexy. | ||
| But I bet none of them wrote a good book. | ||
| I bet none of them sang a song anybody wanted to listen to. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're all hyper-aggressive Americans. | |
| Yeah, wow. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I think that the microplastic thing is real. | ||
| If you look at, there's a woman who wrote this book called Countdown. | ||
| Her name is Shanna Swan. | ||
| She's a doctor from Harvard, right? | ||
| I always ask. | ||
| Yeah, the taint lady, right? | ||
| Taint lady, yeah. | ||
| Talk to taints on here. | ||
| When you exposure to phthalates, like it's a type of... | ||
| It's a chemical that's in plastics and some other things. | ||
| It disrupts your endocrine system and it fucks up with mammals. | ||
| With the males, it makes their taint smaller. | ||
| It makes their dick smaller, makes their balls smaller. | ||
| It makes your sperm count grow up. | ||
| And they find them in human beings. | ||
| These are like studies they've done in mammals. | ||
| So they did studies. | ||
| One of the best ways... | ||
| To determine male or female in young mammals is the male's taint is 50 to 100% larger. | ||
| So they look at that to see if it's a boy or a girl. | ||
| And when you expose the animal to phthalates, that shrinks. | ||
| And it sort of feminizes the boys. | ||
| They have less testosterone. | ||
| Their penises shrink. | ||
| Their taint shrink. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| And there's a similar effect in human beings. | ||
| And she believes that that's the driving force. | ||
| And she thinks that we've been exposed since people have been using microwaves and everything's in plastic and water bottles in your car. | ||
| All these different chemicals. | ||
| And then there's fertilizers and pesticides and herbicides and all that shit. | ||
| Fish that eat the plastic. | ||
| All that shit's getting into your body. | ||
| Sucks to be the guy that was dating her. | ||
| He was like, what are you researching? | ||
| And she's like, why is everybody's dick small these days? | ||
| What are you talking about, honey? | ||
| She's a hilarious older woman. | ||
| She's really funny, man. | ||
| She has a thing on her Instagram called the Jizz Quiz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I love that. | ||
| It's like she's funny, but she's talking about real science. | ||
| It's kind of a disarming way to do it because she's such a sweet lady. | ||
| She's so fun, but she's talking about what's going on with microplastics. | ||
| If you jizz in her face without telling her, it's a pop quiz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blah! | |
| God damn it. | ||
| You motherfuckers. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| You never know when it's going to come up. | ||
| Imagine if that really is it. | ||
| And imagine if when they introduced plastics to humans, it was just inevitably going to weaken us as a species. | ||
| Altered us. | ||
| And there's no way we could have known, because we'd never had plastic before. | ||
| So there was no plastic forever, and then 19, whatever it is, 50s? | ||
| When does it start? | ||
| Where people start using plastics everywhere. | ||
| Milk used to come in a jar of glass. | ||
| At that same time, there's a direct drop. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Sperm cell count and women are having more miscarriages. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah, less fertility from both the male and the female and the males. | ||
| So it's not just like feminizing. | ||
| It's messing up the females too. | ||
| And it's doing something to the males. | ||
| It's like crushing its reproductive system. | ||
| I think she said we'd eat a credit card of plastic a week. | ||
| Yeah, that's what she said. | ||
| But there's some dispute about that. | ||
| It's like, It's an average thing? | ||
| Like, are some people getting way more of it? | ||
| Are some people getting none of it? | ||
| Like, is there a way to avoid it? | ||
| Yeah, you know what's weird when you check into a hotel and you see a family and they bring in like a 20 case of bottled water? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you're like, what are you doing? | ||
| You're gonna be here two nights. | ||
| You need all that bottled water? | ||
| See, you just buy a bottle of water. | ||
| Where the fuck did it come from? | ||
| Was it on a boat in Thailand for a month, drifting across the ocean? | ||
| Where did your water come from? | ||
| I don't even ask. | ||
| I just drink it. | ||
| So what if I'm drinking some bullshit fucking chemicals that's going to make my tank shrink? | ||
| I'm a tap man. | ||
| I love tap. | ||
| It's really not good for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Tap? | ||
| Yeah, tap water is not good for you. | ||
| Everybody in New York loves saying New York has the best tap water. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| There's just zero chance that's true. | ||
| Saying my shit smells the sweetest. | ||
| Well, that's true. | ||
| New York, it's like they said the water's good, but the taps are all shitty. | ||
| So you're drinking, like, the rust. | ||
| Bro, who's cleaning those pipes? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| The rats. | ||
| Imagine if you could get a camera down a mile or so into those pipes and see the crud. | ||
| I had a landlord tell me it was normal for it to come out brown in the beginning, and I was like, can I come to your house and see if it's like that there? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You're supposed to drink that? | ||
| You're supposed to bathe in that? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I do the shower with the mouth open. | ||
| You ever do that one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I was a kid, I used to chug shower water. | |
| There's some real disputes about fluoride in water too. | ||
| To be honest, I'm not super well versed in it. | ||
| It's good for the teeth. | ||
| Apparently, sorta. | ||
| But what's really good for the teeth is brushing your fucking teeth. | ||
| It's like, are we sure that you're supposed to be dumping fluoride in the water that people drink? | ||
| It is a bit of an assumption. | ||
| Do you know that fluoride lowers your IQ? No! | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Exposure to fluoride lowers your IQ. Oh, come on. | ||
| I don't know what the number is. | ||
| How much exposure to fluoride lowers your IQ? Drinking it for 39 years. | ||
| You're straight. | ||
| Imagine how fucking smart he used to be. | ||
| You'd be so much less autistic. | ||
| You were robbed. | ||
| You were robbed. | ||
| Pop jizz! | ||
| It says, a significant inverse relationship was found between the fluoride concentration in drinking water and IQ. It was observed that the IQ level was negatively correlated with fluoride concentration in drinking water. | ||
| It literally makes you dumber. | ||
| But then again, you're buying this bottled water from who knows where that's been sitting on a dock. | ||
| I mean, none of us are asking questions. | ||
| No, we're not. | ||
| I don't even know where Poland Spring is. | ||
| Unhooked my microphone. | ||
| We gotta vote for RFK. He'll save us. | ||
| Well, what's the reason for that? | ||
| Is there a real good reason for fucking dumping fluoride in the water? | ||
| It started so long ago, right? | ||
| What's the benefit? | ||
| Let's Google that. | ||
| What's the benefit of fluoride? | ||
| It's barely statistically significant. | ||
| The benefit was this. | ||
| Teeth, strong cavities. | ||
| It keeps teeth strong and reduces cavities. | ||
| So I guess the British aren't doing it. | ||
| Also called tooth decay by about 25% in children and adults. | ||
| Drinking fluoridated water, right, but what does it do to your brain? | ||
| And how much of an effect, how much better is it than just brushing your teeth? | ||
| Did they say it's to cause communism? | ||
| What's the reason for this? | ||
| We're forcing people to take care of their teeth and everybody else is going to lose IQ points? | ||
| Is that the fucking deal? | ||
| Is there a better way? | ||
| Isn't there a better way? | ||
| Can't you just clean your fucking teeth? | ||
| I don't have any cavities. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I was gonna brush, but I decided to chug out of the sink. | ||
| Why do they give a shit about our teeth? | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| Since the mid-1940s, compounds containing mineral fluoride have been added to community water supplies throughout the U.S. to prevent tooth decay. | ||
| Boy, that sounds weird. | ||
| If I wanted to put on a fucking tinfoil hat right now, health concerns expressed by opponents have largely been dismissed until recently. | ||
| Now evidence is mounting that in the era of fluoridated toothpaste and other consumer products that boost dental health, the potential risks from consuming fluoridated water may outweigh the benefits for some individuals. | ||
| Last summer, for the first time in 53 years, the U.S. Public Health Service lowered its recommended levels of fluoride in drinking water. | ||
| Boy, we're getting started early, huh? | ||
| I mean, if I was making fluoride, I would be like, shut the fuck up! | ||
| I think that's what they're doing. | ||
| Fluoride people are like, no, you need it in your water. | ||
| Shouldn't we research? | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| I got a lot of fluoride. | ||
| But imagine any other trade-off like that. | ||
| Imagine any other trade-off that lowers IQs. | ||
| Like, imagine if we came along and said, we're going to put sunscreen in everybody's apples. | ||
| Because some people are going to get cancer because they're not wearing sunscreen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| I know. | ||
| And okay, well now everybody has to eat sunscreen apples. | ||
| Is that the new rule? | ||
| That's what the fuck this is like. | ||
| This is like forcing everybody to eat sunscreen apples. | ||
| Like, hey bitch, I brush my fucking teeth. | ||
| Like, don't make me drink this stuff. | ||
| What's in there? | ||
| Well, we got rid of lead paint. | ||
| And when you use one of them filters, does that get all the fluoride out? | ||
| I doubt it. | ||
| It gets a lot of shit out. | ||
| You ever put high C in there? | ||
| Just see, it's still kind of pink. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, when it goes through. | ||
| It's not like clear. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| You're a high C. I'm an IK. With that beard, he's a fucking B-plus in the mountains. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| In the mountains, you're a man who knows how to start a fire. | ||
| Moses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| You'd be like, I'm trusting you with the fire. | ||
| I'm like, you shouldn't. | ||
| You look like a guy who knows where the fucking woodchucks are. | ||
| Oh, these pods are safe to drink from. | ||
| There are no beavers here. | ||
| Yeah, there's a thing that people drink out of ponds with. | ||
| It's like a... | ||
| Camelback thing, yeah. | ||
| Life straw. | ||
| Yeah, life straw, that's it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you suck through the... | ||
| You can drink like... | ||
| You can drink anything. | ||
| ...where animals have been pissing. | ||
| Like if cows have been pissing in a puddle, you can drink it. | ||
| Those Britas are filthy. | ||
| Brita filters keep a healthy level of fluoride. | ||
| What? | ||
| They do not remove fluoride. | ||
| And it says on their website, a healthy level of fluoride. | ||
| They're in cahoots. | ||
| A healthy level of fluoride. | ||
| They are in cahoots, dude. | ||
| I'm sick of fluoride. | ||
| But who the fuck decides what the healthy level of a thing that lowers your IQ is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big fluoride. | |
| Big fluoride. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's running that? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| If it's George Soros, I would be pissed. | ||
| Who's running big fluoride? | ||
| He runs everything. | ||
| If you were a journalist, wouldn't this be something you would cover? | ||
| Mmm, no. | ||
| How many journalists have covered this in the New York Times? | ||
| We've got to cover the Black Mermaid first. | ||
| Or, you know, a really good paper. | ||
| The New Yorker, The Atlantic. | ||
| Wouldn't you want to cover this? | ||
| Nah, journalism's dead. | ||
| There's so many stories about politics, no stories about advances in medical... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You never hear stories about that. | ||
| It's always just anger. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Never anything good. | ||
| We're doing better than we were 20 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| But I think that's always how people are, dude. | ||
| People are always extremely dissatisfied. | ||
| And because everyone has access to the internet, everyone's in conflict all the time. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Tribal. | ||
| It's so bizarre to watch people get political about medicine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| I know, right? | ||
| They're political about everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| The movies. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| They're getting me, dude. | ||
| It's starting to work. | ||
| Tucker going to Twitter is killing me, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| He's just watching the shit out of those videos. | ||
| I'd be like, yo, Tucker's right about everything, dude. | ||
| He had Portnoy on. | ||
| Every single one of those I watch, I'm like, god damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tucker knows. | ||
| Now he's calling Obama gay a lot. | ||
| Bro, that is wild. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| You ever go down that Michelle Obama's a man rabbit hole? | ||
| Yeah, but it's all photoshopped. | ||
| Eddie Bravo sent me one, and I sent him the original. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, no, I didn't send him. | ||
| I need to send him the original. | ||
| Her on Ellen was like a funny one. | ||
| Great arms. | ||
| There's all these pictures that exist that are definitely doctored. | ||
| Pull them up. | ||
| It's her like two feet tall. | ||
| It's her with a dick. | ||
| We've done this every time. | ||
| Have we? | ||
| Jamie, help me out on this. | ||
| We have to have done Big Mike before. | ||
| I don't think we did Big Mike. | ||
| I don't know if we did. | ||
| Tim Dillon definitely did. | ||
| We did Big Mike with Tim Dillon. | ||
| Did Tim Dillon's video, did that get removed from Twitter? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Someone put on Instagram, I believe, that Tim Dillon's video where he was saying that Michelle Obama should run for president and if she won, she could pull her cock out and China would just give up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was fucking wheezing. | |
| I couldn't breathe. | ||
| Big Mike! | ||
| Big Mike. | ||
| Big Mike. | ||
| It's like, come on, tell me it isn't one of the fun things about the internet. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| These crazy conspiracies are fun. | ||
| We had a cab driver on the way back from like Dixie Chicks or something, and he goes, halfway back, he goes, where do you guys get your news? | ||
| And I'm like, this is about to get real good. | ||
| What were you doing with Dixie Chicks? | ||
| Do you manage them? | ||
| Don't they just call themselves They call themselves the Chicks now? | ||
| They can call themselves whatever they want, but I don't change. | ||
| Chicks sounds worse. | ||
| Still candlestick. | ||
| Yeah, Chicks is like not... | ||
| It's lame. | ||
| Dixie Chicks is a good name. | ||
| It's way cooler. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| People got mad at them. | ||
| They were one of the first people to get cancelled. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they said they were embarrassed to be from the United States because of George Bush. | ||
| They're like, why are we going to war with Iraq? | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Shut up, you fucking whore! | ||
| Yeah, it was rough. | ||
| They were like the first people to get severe backlash. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, I mean, now, in retrospect, everybody knows that war was insanity. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You just couldn't say shit then. | ||
| Rogan did an episode of Late Friday, a stand-up show, and they go, no, tell me if I'm wrong, they said, no George Bush jokes, no military jokes. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| He's the president! | ||
| Yeah, it was a weird time though, man. | ||
| It was a very strange time. | ||
| But looking back, the Bush hate was quaint compared to the shit now. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Compared to the Obama hate and the Trump hate. | ||
| But you know what it was? | ||
| It didn't get accelerant thrown on it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| The social media accelerant. | ||
| It was always in the air. | ||
| Everybody was furious at Bush for getting us into that war. | ||
| But it didn't... | ||
| It was like... | ||
| No one was talking about it day to day. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't like constantly in your face. | ||
| If the news didn't cover it, you really didn't know about it. | ||
| You know, in the news, they would certainly be slanted, the left-wing news against Bush. | ||
| I mean, there wasn't really... | ||
| Was Fox News even around back when Bush was president? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Yeah, it was just more normal. | ||
| It wasn't as salacious. | ||
| Was it normal? | ||
| Who was that white-haired guy that Mitzi used to love? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| He was on there all the time. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Wolf Blitzer? | ||
| Nah, after him. | ||
| He had like the late night show or daytime show. | ||
| O'Reilly? | ||
| O'Reilly. | ||
| O'Reilly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| O, O, O, O'Reilly. | ||
| Yeah, he was an interesting guy. | ||
| Pop quiz. | ||
| He was an interesting guy. | ||
| Because it was like, what are you selling? | ||
| He was like 6'8". | ||
| Was he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| Damn, O'Reilly rules. | ||
| He was Tucker Carlson's precursor. | ||
| You ever see when he was talking about the, like, I know God exists, because the tide goes in, the tide goes out. | ||
| Why does that happen? | ||
| You can't explain it. | ||
| Yeah, the guy's like, what the fuck? | ||
| I can definitely explain it. | ||
| I'm going to start using that. | ||
| I'm an idiot. | ||
| You got a chalkboard bench? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I love those guys. | ||
| You can't explain it, so it must be God. | ||
| Yeah, it goes in, it goes out. | ||
| They say the menstruation cycle is due to the tides. | ||
| Have you heard this? | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But if that were true, wouldn't all chicks be in the same cycle? | ||
| Dixie chicks. | ||
| No, because the moon's getting them at different times. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would be like waves of periods across the country. | |
| Where's the moon? | ||
| Everyone has their period. | ||
| Get out of town. | ||
| Michelle Obama had a band chicks with dicks. | ||
| Oh, that one didn't work. | ||
| You could have just kept Dixie Chicks. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Michelle Obama's favorite band, Dixie Chicks. | |
| Damn, I'm slow. | ||
| No, you're good. | ||
| I think all these fucking Looney Tunes conspiracies are fun. | ||
| And that's what drove me crazy about the old Twitter. | ||
| It's like, I'm smart enough to know the earth isn't flat stupid. | ||
| Let these people talk about it. | ||
| Let these fucking people talk about it. | ||
| It's fun to listen. | ||
| I don't mind listening. | ||
| I like when they get angry and call people globeheads. | ||
| I want to fucking hear it! | ||
| Let them talk, man. | ||
| So, dude, this cab driver went from Michelle Obama's a man to Nancy Pelosi's a man to Madonna is a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| And he goes, look it up! | ||
| AlternativeNews.com. | ||
| What about Lea Thomas? | ||
| They wouldn't say that. | ||
| Yeah, you can't say that. | ||
| Yeah, and I go, what do they have to stand to gain by being a man and hiding it? | ||
| He goes, what? | ||
| Well, first of all, in today's day and age, if they say they're a woman, they're a woman. | ||
| So they're all women. | ||
| So shut the fuck up, bigot. | ||
| Secondly, that's very important, right? | ||
| Very important point. | ||
| Anybody can be a woman now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| It's fucking open entry. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| But also, like... | ||
| How do you explain they have kids? | ||
| Like, Madonna's got kids. | ||
| Men could get pregnant. | ||
| Yeah, but she was like, pregnant? | ||
| He showed me a basic slide video of a filter. | ||
| There's not too many pictures of Michelle Obama pregnant, just saying. | ||
| Oh shit, here we go. | ||
| Not that fucking you have, creeper. | ||
| They're hard to find. | ||
| I've been searching them before the conspiracy. | ||
| Yeah, but the thing about it is, why would they post it? | ||
| How many pictures of you and your underwear are there on the internet? | ||
| So many. | ||
| I've got a few. | ||
| I can send you. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, why would anybody have pictures of them, you know, or her pregnant? | |
| Isn't that personal? | ||
| Tell that to Ali Wong. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of pregnant specials. | ||
| There's a few. | ||
| There's so many pregnant specials. | ||
| But Ali was the goat. | ||
| She was the goat. | ||
| Ali was the originator. | ||
| Yeah, good for her. | ||
| It fucking added to it. | ||
| It did. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because she had a legit reason to be pissed off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Carrying a giant baby inside. | ||
| That's hard to do. | ||
| Isn't it funny that with medical science, one of us could have a baby now? | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah, they're talking about, trans people are talking about getting a uterus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This one guy, Ari's too old. | |
| This one person was clearly trolling, and what they said was that they wanted to get a uterus transplant and then be the first trans person to have an abortion. | ||
| Everybody was getting angry. | ||
| Both sides were angry at that. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| The only thing that bums me out is that... | ||
| I could see a world, maybe not today, but I could see a world in the future where if enough biological men wanted uterus transplants, they would start doing it. | ||
| People would start doing it. | ||
| I mean, they would probably start convincing people that it's safe and effective because they want to be a real woman. | ||
| Why? | ||
| They want to have women parts. | ||
| All women parts. | ||
| Yeah, but the bleeding, the pregnant, it's all a bummer. | ||
| Eggs. | ||
| Seems like it sucks. | ||
| It sounds like an insane science project. | ||
| It sounds like an insane science project. | ||
| Sounds like a nightmare. | ||
| Why can't we all just get along? | ||
| We got so many great things. | ||
| We got Uber Eats and all this stuff. | ||
| Let's just hang out. | ||
| Why's everybody trying to make it? | ||
| Yeah, somebody's got to drive that fucking Uber Eats. | ||
| Imagine if the devil is real. | ||
| Imagine if the devil is real and all this chaos in society. | ||
| Why can't we all just get alone? | ||
| All this chaos in society is just designed to get us to the point where we're willing to accept a biological male getting pregnant And then through that, that's how Satan comes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You fucking idiot! | ||
| Stop! | ||
| It was prophesied. | ||
| That could be the end of the world. | ||
| It's like Damien. | ||
| The Omen. | ||
| Remember that kid? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| That's a similar story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God's gonna come back and be like, alright, that's a wrap, you fucking dummies. | |
| I gave you enough. | ||
| Let's wrap it up already. | ||
| The fuck are you doing? | ||
| That's when the aliens would land, like, you guys are just, alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like when you're in an escape room. | ||
| We need help. | ||
| You gotta press the button. | ||
| Where's that kid now? | ||
| That probably fucked that kid up. | ||
| He went from cover of the Nirvana album to this. | ||
| Looks like you met Kevin Spacey. | ||
| Dude, imagine if you're a little kid and you're in a huge movie where you play the most evil motherfucker that's ever lived. | ||
| And then everywhere you go, people look at you sideways now. | ||
| He's scary. | ||
| How do you cast that? | ||
| Nah, not evil enough. | ||
| That kid's the devil. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| All he did was look normal. | ||
| That's how terrifying children are. | ||
| It is true. | ||
| A kid's got a straight face and looks at you. | ||
| Hello, Shane. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| That's where you gotta get them preemptively. | ||
| You gotta go, come here, baby. | ||
| Shake him. | ||
| The only time when a baby is scary... | ||
| Is when it's at nighttime in the woods. | ||
| Or when it tears. | ||
| You see a baby just standing there staring at you. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| A naked baby just in the trail, just standing there staring at you. | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| You'd be like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| You'd be like, first of all, is this a trap? | ||
| Are they like, do I go towards the baby and then they rush me? | ||
| Or is this baby a demon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, is this a fake baby? | ||
| Like, why is this baby naked in the woods? | ||
| Alone. | ||
| At night? | ||
| Dude, we found a baby in Northern Thailand. | ||
| And it's really dark. | ||
| We were mopedding around. | ||
| We saw a baby on a road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You found a baby in Thailand? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the road? | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| There was a house, like, 200 yards up. | ||
| We're like, is this your baby? | ||
| And she's like, oh my god, thank you so much. | ||
| Do you guys have cigarettes? | ||
| It's a fucking bait baby. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Damn, a bait-by. | ||
| A bait baby. | ||
| So they put the baby out so people save the baby. | ||
| You get some cigarettes. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| A couple of loosies. | ||
| Yeah, a couple of loosies go a long way. | ||
| They used to do a thing where they throw a baby and you instinctually catch it and then they pickpocket you. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Because you have to catch it. | ||
| You've got to catch a baby. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How wild is part of the world? | ||
| I was in Thailand. | ||
| I was watching this whole family on a moped. | ||
| There was a baby. | ||
| It's like a starfish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They had a baby. | |
| The guy was riding. | ||
| The baby was sitting here. | ||
| The wife was behind him. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| I was like, this is insane. | ||
| You have a baby on a moped. | ||
| People hang on both sides. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| We get frustrated. | ||
| We're like, oh, we got to take our family on vacation. | ||
| These motherfuckers. | ||
| You're in a giant van. | ||
| Imagine being like, alright, we gotta go. | ||
| Everyone, get on my fucking back. | ||
| We've gotta get this moped. | ||
| With flip-flop on. | ||
| And they're going to work, too. | ||
| It's not like they're going fun. | ||
| Fucking Grapes of Wrath, a motorcycle. | ||
| Goat blood on their hands. | ||
| Meanwhile, here's the rub. | ||
| Everybody over there is really happy. | ||
| I don't know if they're all happy, but they're very friendly. | ||
| They're happier than us. | ||
| They're very friendly. | ||
| They're some of the nicest people. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah, so what is that? | ||
| Simple life, simple life. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, like those Indian people who live poor as shit. | ||
| They're all happy. | ||
| Holy hell! | ||
| It's a shelf! | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| Oh, they don't usually have a shelf. | ||
| They usually just hang on. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's impressive. | ||
| It is impressive. | ||
| Look, they're all smiling. | ||
| Well, it's funny. | ||
| Even they know it's funny. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That guy had a giant basket and a whole family behind him on a motorcycle. | ||
| The guy in the middle does not seem happy. | ||
| He seems like the lost link. | ||
| I won't take an Uber pool to save my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uber pool can get weird though, right? | |
| COVID killed it. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Yeah, it's gone. | ||
| It was going for a while. | ||
| Try to go lift line. | ||
| And you guys get the newest COVID yet? | ||
| It's back, baby! | ||
| I might have it right now. | ||
| Shane's got it currently. | ||
| You feel like shit? | ||
| No, I just have had a cold for a few years. | ||
| Oh, you've had it. | ||
| You got it, you son of a bitch. | ||
| There's no more regular colds anymore. | ||
| It's just COVID. They just call us that. | ||
| It's COVID. That's what I always say. | ||
| I mean, I don't think... | ||
| If you have the regular cold, like, that's not even cool. | ||
| It's not cool at all. | ||
| It's not cool at all. | ||
| Yeah, if you had COVID for one day, that's way better than the regular cold for like a week and a half. | ||
| It's like these rich chicks who can't just get a headache. | ||
| They have to have a migraine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yes. | |
| They always have fucking migraines. | ||
| Always migraines. | ||
| Yeah, they can't be sad. | ||
| I think migraines are debilitating. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was going to say. | ||
| I think they're debilitating. | ||
| I think, like, you're on your knees. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sure that severity is, you know, different with different people. | ||
| I think Terrell Davis sat out of the Super Bowl for a little while with a migraine. | ||
| It's that bad. | ||
| It was his dream and he worked hard. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He was like, I can't see. | ||
| What causes those? | ||
| J-Mo, you remember that? | ||
| I know you remember that, J-Mo. | ||
| Yes, dude. | ||
| A debilitating migraine almost took him out of the Super Bowl. | ||
| Maybe CTE? Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, you gotta think that's a factor. | ||
| Great teeth on that. | ||
| Look at that fluoride. | ||
| Great teeth. | ||
| That's a late addition. | ||
| That was in his playing days. | ||
| These poor football players, man. | ||
| So what does he say here? | ||
| A migraine eventually came on and forced Davis to sit out of the second quarter of the game. | ||
| He didn't let it stop for long, though, as he was back in the field after halftime. | ||
| I forgot to take his medicine pregame. | ||
| Oh, he has medicine for migraines. | ||
| During his pregame meal two hours before kickoff. | ||
| What kind of preventative medicine do they have for migraines, Jamie? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I had a friend in high school, if we would just start talking about it, he would get one. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| What? | ||
| We would play basketball, and he'd be like, if you guys fucking fuck me today and say that fucking shit, we'd just start eventually getting it. | ||
| I'm the same way with boners. | ||
| Talk about it, I'll get one. | ||
| I got Bluetooth. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't talk about it. | ||
| All you have to do is think about it? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's probably very weird. | ||
| It's a little psychosemantic, obviously, but it would still... | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| It would take him out. | ||
| He'd have to go lay down somewhere, couldn't see light. | ||
| None of that. | ||
| Definitely not at a gym. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| There is a lot of women like that if you start bringing up wanting to fuck them. | ||
| He got a stomachache. | ||
| You nasty bitch. | ||
| Don't lie to me. | ||
| Sex is a good cure. | ||
| He actually releases oxy... | ||
| Have you ever had a migraine? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Never. | ||
| I have. | ||
| I was getting off caffeine. | ||
| I switched from like six Cokes a day to six Sprites at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Six Cokes a day? | ||
| Yeah, and then it was like the drop in caffeine was like, it crushed me for a while. | ||
| It hurts the head. | ||
| The withdrawals. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of the only things that I've ever taken a lot of and didn't realize I was taking too much of it. | ||
| And then when I stopped, I had headaches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was writing this thing and I was drinking these crazy drinks, these sodas. | ||
| They were filled with sugar and like massive amounts of caffeine. | ||
| They had like skull and crossbones on them and shit. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| I don't even think the company's around anymore. | ||
| We've talked about this before, right? | ||
| SS Cola. | ||
| Yeah, I tried to look it up. | ||
| But there was like spicy, there were like spicy sodas and like filled with caffeine and I was drinking. | ||
| Oh yeah, spicy sodas. | ||
| Remember those things that I had at my house? | ||
| It wasn't Jolt, it was something else. | ||
| No, no, no, it was like way cooler. | ||
| Squirt, squirt, squirt. | ||
| We were drinking like, I mean, I was drinking like seven or eight of them a night. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Yeah, because I was writing really up late at night, and they were just fucking... | ||
| My brain was on fire when I was on those things. | ||
| And then I got off of it, I finished this thing that I was writing, and then I'm in my house, I'm like, why does my head hurt so much? | ||
| And I was like, oh my god, I'm going through withdrawals! | ||
| That's withdrawals, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, wow! | |
| That's a tough feeling. | ||
| I'm addicted to caffeine! | ||
| So how'd you kick it? | ||
| I just had a cup of coffee. | ||
| Turns out there's readily available drugs. | ||
| All I did, I had a cup of coffee. | ||
| I was like, no, I feel good again. | ||
| I just decided you can never go that hard. | ||
| And I'm certainly addicted to caffeine. | ||
| I drink caffeine. | ||
| I drink coffee basically every day. | ||
| Same. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| There's no evidence it's bad for you. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I don't think it's bad for you. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| As long as you stay hydrated, I don't think coffee's bad for you. | ||
| You get to feel good for ten minutes a day. | ||
| A little bit of choice. | ||
| Yeah, and shit. | ||
| Tate Fletcher always used to say it's like a warm hug. | ||
| Gaffigan had a good joke about it. | ||
| Remember when coffee worked? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| So true. | ||
| Yeah, I talked to Michael Pollan about that, and he said that he did for this experiment that he did for that book that he wrote on psychedelics, he took like three months off of coffee. | ||
| No caffeine at all for three months. | ||
| And then he said when he had a cup of coffee, it was like a drug. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He said it was almost like a psychedelic. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| He said it was incredible. | ||
| When I started, if I drank past 10 a.m., I couldn't sleep. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 10 a.m.? | ||
| Yeah, it would hit me so fucking hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But now it's fine. | ||
| Now I can go. | ||
| Let's have some coffee. | ||
| Most consumed drug in the world. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah, obviously. | ||
| Bro, Starbucks figured it out. | ||
| What a baller business move. | ||
| Let's get everybody addicted to coffee. | ||
| He's already pouring a cup. | ||
| Talking about it. | ||
| You can get really good coffee at Starbucks if they have one of those weird machines. | ||
| You know that fucking, that crazy machine that somebody invented? | ||
| What's on an AeroPress? | ||
| It's like, it's digital. | ||
| So you pour in the exact grams of coffee, and it heats the exact temperature, it brews it for the exact same amount of time, and then like a piston goes up and down. | ||
| And you push the hockey puck out, and the coffee's perfect. | ||
| They just overcook their beans. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Yeah, but this one they don't. | ||
| With this they don't. | ||
| It's just they leave it hot for too long. | ||
| Coffee's not, you know. | ||
| If you do it right, if you really know what you're doing, like my friend Evan who owns Black Rifle Coffee, they measure their coffee. | ||
| They measure the temperature of the water. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's called a clover machine. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I'd like to eat that. | ||
| So this machine, you pour the grinds in there and it literally makes a perfect cup of coffee. | ||
| I think it's insanely expensive. | ||
| It was at least $11,000. | ||
| $11,000?! | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| For one cup of coffee at a time. | ||
| But the coffee's perfect. | ||
| Like, I had one. | ||
| There was a Starbucks in California where I used to go that had one of these. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I had a few different coffees from there, and they were fucking sensational. | ||
| $11,000. | ||
| Look at that knife. | ||
| What? | ||
| I mean, after that coffee, at $11,000, you're gonna shit blood? | ||
| It's not strong. | ||
| It's tasty, right? | ||
| No, it's not strong. | ||
| It just tastes perfect. | ||
| It's not stronger than regular coffee at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| It's just the whole thing is about, like, real coffee dorks. | ||
| There's that 90s emo kid behind him. | ||
| He looks like he's about to start the band push. | ||
| That guy could not look like more of a barista if he tried. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Barista explains it all. | |
| That's a deep pull. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| The real-time coffee nerds. | ||
| Bring up Clarissa who explains it all. | ||
| They do everything by, like, numbers. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Exact temperature for the water. | ||
| Exact temperature, weight, exact amount of time brewing. | ||
| Are you farting? | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| This whiskey's going through me. | ||
| That sounded bad. | ||
| That was a pop quiz. | ||
| You were trying too hard. | ||
| Sorry, I pushed it out. | ||
| You should feel proud of that. | ||
| That was funny as shit. | ||
| That was my favorite part so far. | ||
| There's more where that came from. | ||
| I always feel like a dickhead when I go into my coffee shop. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You know, they're all like young, cool people with tattoos and shit. | ||
| Yeah, they make you feel that way. | ||
| I always just woke up. | ||
| I'm in a Phillies jersey and gym shorts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I feel weird. | ||
| I bet you make them feel weird, too, though. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Yeah, that's what's fine. | ||
| I go in, I go in the whole room with whole milk. | ||
| Then they give me oat milk, and I go, I said, fucking whole milk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's every day. | ||
| We assume you didn't. | ||
| And I give them eight bucks. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And then I text five people nonstop for about 20 minutes. | ||
| Yeah, you say you're writing. | ||
| I go, I got some good ideas. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You need to hear about it. | ||
| Somebody was comparing, there was like some chart where they were comparing one of those oat milk things. | ||
| I don't know which one. | ||
| But they said they have the same glycemic index as Coca-Cola. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| What's glycemic index? | ||
| Sugar. | ||
| That's a lot of sugar. | ||
| I heard almond milk is all sugar, too. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Duncan told me, this stuff is delicious and it's good for you. | |
| I go, how many grams of sugar in that thing? | ||
| He texts me back, fuck! | ||
| That's why it tastes good, dude. | ||
| You're drinking syrup. | ||
| Yeah, what's wrong with milk? | ||
| Milk is good. | ||
| I love half and half. | ||
| It's bad for you. | ||
| Is that oatly stuff? | ||
| Dairy. | ||
| My life's been shit since I stopped drinking milk, dude. | ||
| Okay, look at that. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| No one's drinking 12 ounces of Oatly. | ||
| You don't drink a glass of it? | ||
| You do a splash in your coffee. | ||
| What? | ||
| Glycemic load sounds nasty. | ||
| No, don't you think people drink it? | ||
| Drink straight oat milk? | ||
| I drink straight almond milk. | ||
| I used to. | ||
| I don't anymore, but I used to. | ||
| So Oatly, for 12 ounces of Oatly, it's 19, what is that, grams? | ||
| I feel like they should change the name of rapeseed oil. | ||
| So the glycemic load... | ||
| That's a great word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rapeseed. | |
| The glycemic load is 19 for Oakley and 20. Rapeseed? | ||
| What are they coming after that word? | ||
| They changed wandering Jew, but they leave rapeseed. | ||
| Wait, what was wandering Jew? | ||
| It's a plant. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You go in now, you're like, do you have any wandering Jews? | ||
| Like, I haven't heard that in about seven years. | ||
| Wow, with that beard, that's you. | ||
| Yeah, rapeseed's a weird one, right? | ||
| How do you still have that around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I think it's canola oil, too. | |
| Isn't it? | ||
| Isn't it the same thing, Jamie? | ||
| That's a good change. | ||
| I was against the Redskins. | ||
| I'm good with Brazil nut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fighting Irish is still around. | ||
| Fighting Irish is great. | ||
| It's like a drunk midget. | ||
| Oh, I got a good fighting Irish story. | ||
| Fitzsimmons talks about that. | ||
| Yeah, so rapeseed oil is canola oil. | ||
| Why are they using that? | ||
| It's just called canola. | ||
| Yeah, why do they have two different words? | ||
| Rapeseed oil is one of the oldest known vegetable oils. | ||
| Where did the name come from? | ||
| There are both edible and industrial forms produced from rapeseed, the seed of several cultivators. | ||
| Canola oil is a food grade version derived from rapeseed cultivars, specifically bred for low uric acid content, also known as low uric acid rapeseed oil. | ||
| There's the name for rapeseed culture in the Latin word, rape them. | ||
| Generally recognized as safe? | ||
| Look how that's phrased. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| But look up there. | ||
| Look how that's phrased. | ||
| There's a link you can click. | ||
| See, it says generally recognized as safe? | ||
| That just brings up Wikipedia what that means. | ||
| It's just a seed. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Generally? | ||
| Like, who doesn't think it's safe? | ||
| Generally means not completely safe. | ||
| Yeah, if you say generally... | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| That's like when they approved OxyContin. | ||
| It's believed to be non-addictive. | ||
| That was the first time they ever had that language. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You saw that? | ||
| Yeah, I had Peter Burg on. | ||
| He's the guy who made the most recent Netflix one. | ||
| The movie? | ||
| The documentary? | ||
| The Netflix one? | ||
| No, what is it called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Netflix one? | |
| Oh, Painkiller. | ||
| Painkiller. | ||
| With Matthew Broderick. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| It makes me realize any name drug they're prescribing, it's like they're on the take. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're horrible people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's wild. | |
| Wild. | ||
| How they got the salesmen to meet up with the good cases of, like, this helped me, so they could sell it better to the doctors and, like, dress up with your tits out. | ||
| Did you see that they found the dude who approved it? | ||
| They had this guy from the FDA would not approve it. | ||
| Would not approve it. | ||
| It was, like, one guy. | ||
| And then they lock him in a hotel room for two days. | ||
| And he comes out, and that was the language they used. | ||
| It's believed. | ||
| First time they've ever used that language. | ||
| Believed to be non-addictive. | ||
| What are you talking about, believed? | ||
| That fucked up the whole country. | ||
| So they found this dude. | ||
| He's in a rural town in New Hampshire. | ||
| They always are. | ||
| I mean, he went right from the FDA to work for Purdue. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And they gave him like a $400,000 a year job. | ||
| Why don't the activists get on this? | ||
| They're all worried about everything else. | ||
| This is killing people. | ||
| Well, in that show, the governor of West Virginia was like, it's killing our state. | ||
| We've got to do something. | ||
| He goes, ah, we're good. | ||
| He got a job with them. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| And then they were gonna give these people, the Sackler family was gonna give up like six billion dollars and through that they wouldn't be able to get prosecuted. | ||
| And then a US judge What is the story on that? | ||
| It was Giuliani. | ||
| Giuliani called somebody who called the White House, and the White House called the DA, and the DA called the guy and goes, nah, make the deal. | ||
| 10 million. | ||
| 10 million. | ||
| Which is like an afternoon. | ||
| What do you mean 10 million? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| They got almost a slap on the wrist and said, we won't prosecute. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm talking about the new thing. | ||
| The new thing is the Sacklers apparently agreed to pay somewhere in the neighborhood of like, see if you can find the store. | ||
| $6 billion. | ||
| So $6 billion. | ||
| And in return, they are fucking very clever with the finances. | ||
| Which they've never paid. | ||
| Yeah, and so in return for that, they would not be able to get prosecuted. | ||
| But apparently they put the kibosh on that. | ||
| After Painkiller came out. | ||
| People were like, what the fuck did you do? | ||
| Good! | ||
| You ever take an Oxycontin? | ||
| No, it's pretty damn good. | ||
| That's what Peter Berg was saying. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| How great it is. | ||
| Remember Brett Favre? | ||
| Was it Brett Favre? | ||
| Brett Favre was on it. | ||
| I'm addicted to painkillers. | ||
| I gotta go rehab. | ||
| People were like, okay. | ||
| But no one looked into what that means. | ||
| Yeah, everyone was like, Brett Favre's a fucking idiot. | ||
| Turns out everybody in the country was addicted to it. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's so much of it floating around. | |
| There's somebody on it right now listening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Having a great night. | ||
| Yeah, he's taking a nap. | ||
| He's like, man, these guys are really harsh on my fucking mind. | ||
| Ref Arm says he used to take a month's worth of painkillers in two days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| Great dick pic. | ||
| Gunslinger. | ||
| What a legend, dude. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Oh yeah, I remember that. | ||
| He was taking them before games and shit. | ||
| 15 Vicodins at a time. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What a champ. | ||
| Take a little more, take a little more, take a little more. | ||
| How does he shit? | ||
| I mean, he's a packer. | ||
| Look at what he said here. | ||
| Did you sign up a bitch? | ||
| A constipation joke. | ||
| How dare you, Mark? | ||
| That was good. | ||
| We got a hit, dude. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| I tell people all the time that I took 15 Vicodin ES at one time and they're like, didn't it knock you out? | ||
| It did totally the opposite. | ||
| I was up. | ||
| That's kind of the way addictions, too. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Way with addictions, too. | ||
| What it's supposed to do, it doesn't, Favre said. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| He's still kicking, though. | ||
| It wasn't just 96 when people knew about it because of the announcement. | ||
| It was three years before. | ||
| He was already hooked. | ||
| He was in something about Mary. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it's really bad. | ||
| Well, it also really impairs judgment. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They fucking lose themselves. | ||
| They'll steal from their friends. | ||
| Crush it. | ||
| Yeah, they'll do anything. | ||
| Instantly makes you do heroin. | ||
| I mean, that's always the thing. | ||
| Like, if you know a guy who's got a pill problem, you don't just leave him in your house. | ||
| Ambien too. | ||
| They'll have to steal stuff. | ||
| Even if it's your friend. | ||
| What they always sold it to us is like, Oxy is the same as heroin, but like, yeah, but not exactly like it. | ||
| And that show is like, no, no, no, it is. | ||
| It's just slow release. | ||
| It's heroin. | ||
| There's a great scene in the show that one doctor yells at the girl. | ||
| Yeah, that's nice. | ||
| She's trying to sell it to him. | ||
| You have no idea what you're selling. | ||
| Oh, you're a drug dealer with a ponytail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My two friends in high school died of methadone. | ||
| It's no joke. | ||
| We used to play pool with the Methadonians. | ||
| When I used to go to this pool hall that I used to play at in White Plains was right next to these people that were on Methadone. | ||
| So these Methadone dudes would come in and my friend Johnny used to call them the Methadonians. | ||
| They would come in and just be playing pool like this. | ||
| It felt nice. | ||
| Couldn't phase him. | ||
| Oh, fucking sweet people. | ||
| Couldn't phase him. | ||
| Were they good at pool? | ||
| No. | ||
| They were all terrible. | ||
| They were all terrible. | ||
| They just leaned on the table for 20 minutes. | ||
| The guys who did heroin. | ||
| Those guys were good at pool. | ||
| The heroin guys were good. | ||
| The heroin guy, one guy in particular. | ||
| Steady his nerves. | ||
| Yeah, he would steady his nerves. | ||
| You get in a zone, yeah, on heroin. | ||
| This guy was a world championship caliber pool player. | ||
| Doing heroin and he would shoot up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, look at Mitch Hedberg. | ||
| He was killing. | ||
| He was killing. | ||
| I think there's a freedom to that drug. | ||
| Who fucking cares? | ||
| When you become a functioning heroin addict, not when you start taking weed, but once you're like, I can be fine on this. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| The heroin version of that would be awesome. | ||
| The thing is, if you know what it is, and you know what you're doing, and you're getting pure stuff, like Dr. Carl Hart, you know who that guy is? | ||
| The guy from Columbia? | ||
| He's a brilliant guy who does drugs. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He does drugs. | ||
| He's like, I just get the good stuff. | ||
| He talks openly about how he likes to sniff heroin. | ||
| He kills his lovely. | ||
| Oh, yeah, the black guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's cool. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He's Columbia. | ||
| Because he started out a complete straight-laced scientist with no experience with drugs whatsoever until he became a researcher. | ||
| And then when he's researching, he's realizing, like, oh, a lot of, like, the fears that we have of these things are overblown. | ||
| A lot of the addictions are from things that have been stepped on. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's functioning. | |
| He definitely looks like a doctor who's getting a heroin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you were looking for, like, which one's the guy? | |
| But that's... | ||
| You want him as your teacher. | ||
| I think he teaches at Columbia. | ||
| Oh, that'd be correct. | ||
| Well, the thing is, he doesn't encourage you to do drugs, but he says that all societies do drugs. | ||
| And this idea that they don't is ridiculous. | ||
| We're all taking... | ||
| Nicotine and drinking caffeine and alcohol and, like, people are doing drugs. | ||
| These are drugs. | ||
| They're just state-approved drugs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But it's just, for a guy, it's hard to be, like, a public academic and intellectual and to have that stance. | ||
| Like, most of them are not willing to go out on that ledge. | ||
| Not a lot of them are pro-heroin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| No! | ||
| He's pretty sick, though. | ||
| He's like Galileo. | ||
| He's making it work. | ||
| Well, he's a legit scientist. | ||
| He's a legit PhD. | ||
| He's for real. | ||
| He studies the effects of psychoactive drugs on humans. | ||
| He's detailed his drug use in a new book titled, Drug Use for Grown-Ups Chasing Liberty in the Land of Fear. | ||
| Hart, who is currently on sabbatical until July, is the chair of the prestigious university's psych department. | ||
| He hopes that coming clean about his drug use will help lead to decriminalization of illegal drugs. | ||
| Hart said that he first tried heroin six or seven years ago when he was already a tenured professor in his late 40s. | ||
| This guy's doing heroin and he's smart. | ||
| He's like, no, it's actually alright. | ||
| Y'all are just getting into it too early. | ||
| That's a legit brave person. | ||
| That quote was a heroin addict quote. | ||
| He's like, I just snort a little to feel refreshed and ready to take on another day. | ||
| My sister said the same thing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She's like, why'd I need it? | ||
| Yeah, but he said when you get off of it, he said if you're really addicted to it, if you do it a lot and you get off of it, he said it's like the flu. | ||
| He said it's people... | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| He was fibbing, dude. | ||
| He said he did it, though. | ||
| You can die from it. | ||
| You can die from it. | ||
| Well, I don't think very many people do. | ||
| They do die from Xanax. | ||
| Xanax withdrawals. | ||
| Danny Brown and Ari. | ||
| Fat Ari. | ||
| He says, the use of heroin can be as rational as my alcohol use. | ||
| Like vacation, sex, and the arts, heroin is one of the tools that I use to maintain my work-life balance. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Carl Hart. | ||
| They make good jackets. | ||
| He's got rules, buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He rules! | |
| That guy rules. | ||
| Look at that other guy just judging him with his eyes. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You don't like cool professors? | ||
| I don't like cool professors. | ||
| What? | ||
| Study, motherfucker. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shut up and study. | ||
| No, bro. | ||
| That's the only way the message gets out there. | ||
| That guy obviously is cool. | ||
| He's got dreads and he's doing heroin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A little fun teacher. | ||
| Him and a heroin down. | ||
| Like, what do you do for a living? | ||
| I'm actually a tenured professor at Columbia. | ||
| Shut up, bro. | ||
| I know it's crazy. | ||
| They fucking believe me. | ||
| It's got to be the easiest class to pass, though. | ||
| Yeah, he's nodding off the whole fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Hey, you failed your test. | ||
| You're on heroin. | ||
| He's like, I need it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How new is this needle? | ||
| I love that. | ||
| It's such a funny thing. | ||
| So I can face a new day. | ||
| It's like, yeah, dude, face a new day. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| He makes it work. | ||
| He's making it work. | ||
| Yeah, but if you're on heroin, it's probably fun. | ||
| Yeah, shit rules. | ||
| But the comedown's got you rough. | ||
| Well, you figure out, he's a scientist, so figure out what brings you back up again. | ||
| Yeah, heroin of the dog. | ||
| It's all the dance. | ||
| Heroin of the dog. | ||
| I'm sure the right mixture of Adderall right afterwards would be heroin and heroin. | ||
| Come down and woo Arrow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're good, baby! | |
| That's a great idea. | ||
| Next step. | ||
| How many people are on that shit? | ||
| That's another big one. | ||
| That's going to be a problem. | ||
| Speed, son. | ||
| That's going to be a problem. | ||
| Oh yeah, I think Trump's on it. | ||
| Same as that diabetes medication too that everybody's on now. | ||
| That's gotta be a disaster. | ||
| We really haven't researched this for weight loss, but just everybody do it. | ||
| Bad sign for our country. | ||
| Every doctor's like, go for it, it's fine. | ||
| I'll take a shot. | ||
| Brian Simpson tried it and he had to get off it. | ||
| He was having gastrointestinal issues. | ||
| I know people that were barfing a lot of it. | ||
| Yeah, not good, Matt. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| No free lunch. | ||
| You said it once and you said it again. | ||
| No lunch at all with it. | ||
| No free lunch. | ||
| So true. | ||
| No biological free lunch. | ||
| More lunch? | ||
| FDA announces shortage of Adderall. | ||
| No! | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| That was 2022. Back to school. | ||
| There's still a shortage? | ||
| I bet China makes it. | ||
| They're like, you know what? | ||
| You guys are getting cocky. | ||
| Get ready for some fentanyl, kids. | ||
| You guys are getting cocky. | ||
| You're concentrating too much. | ||
| No, you're getting cocky. | ||
| You're fucking relying on us a little too much. | ||
| We're going to cut back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| We don't like working so much. | ||
| We need to cut back. | ||
| Let's coke at the White House. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder where that came from. | ||
| Imagine, you know, like, your son already fucked up, the laptop got out, the whole thing, the fucking jig is up, everybody knows you're a crook. | ||
| And then he's like, but dad, I'm clean now. | ||
| I'm proud of you, boy. | ||
| It's gotta be Kamala. | ||
| He fucking leaves a baggie in the bathroom. | ||
| Don't go to my room. | ||
| So here's the question. | ||
| Do they have cameras inside the White House bathrooms? | ||
| I bet they have it. | ||
| Doubt it. | ||
| Well, I was going to say they have it everywhere, but it's probably like, no, they say take cameras out of places. | ||
| I mean, how else do they catch Forrest Gump drinking all those Dr. Peppers? | ||
| I gotta pay. | ||
| Like, you gotta think the White House is the most photographed place in the world. | ||
| Tell that to Lewinsky. | ||
| You couldn't have, like, a loophole where you could just go in the bathroom and fucking trade secrets with a spy. | ||
| I bet the president's like, no, I need a place where I'm not recorded. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta shit. | ||
| That's an interesting question, though, right? | ||
| Inside a vestibule. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So it wasn't in the bathroom. | ||
| I think it's an unknown substance. | ||
| You know what it is. | ||
| Is this an old story? | ||
| The substance was located inside a receptacle used to temporarily store electronic and personal devices prior to entering the West Wing. | ||
| So he just dropped it off inside of a receptacle. | ||
| Doin' blow in the IT center? | ||
| Or it was probably attached to his phone because he's gross. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's like sweaty, sticks to your phone, little baggy. | ||
| And then he pulls his phone out, the baggy's in there, he doesn't even know. | ||
| I doubt Hunter had to put it in a yonder. | ||
| Well, it's probably not a yonder. | ||
| It's a receptacle like when you go through a fucking radar machine. | ||
| Make sure you're not packin' heat to kill pops. | ||
| There's no surveillance. | ||
| You don't need a gun to go punch. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Gut punch. | ||
| You could lick him to death. | ||
| I bet he tastes all right. | ||
| You got one of those arteries and you press down with your tongue long enough? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would joke about him and I was like, I hope the special, like, when I got done filming it in June, it's coming out tomorrow, I was like... | ||
| Today. | ||
| Today. | ||
| I was like, he might die before the special comes out. | ||
| Yeah, room for him for a minute. | ||
| Like, I was for real. | ||
| And then I'd see clips of him in, like, Hawaii, just... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I was like, fuck, dude, he's gonna die. | ||
| I'm gonna have to drop the special. | ||
| No, you made it. | ||
| You made it. | ||
| I can't believe... | ||
| Hey, look how cute! | ||
| Beautiful dogs. | ||
| Beautiful dogs. | ||
| Shane, you look upset they're taking a picture of you. | ||
| I was. | ||
| I was like, come on, man. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| I said, please do not take pictures. | ||
| I said not. | ||
| That's a good pic. | ||
| Love on the spectrum. | ||
| They always do the worst. | ||
| That's so goddamn embarrassing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In a rowdy stand-up set, Shane Gillis riffs on his girlfriend's Navy CLX. It wasn't even that rowdy. | |
| It wasn't even that rowdy. | ||
| And being bullied by an Australian god. | ||
| Mine's way worse. | ||
| Why did they do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| As soon as I saw that, I texted my manager and I said, who the fuck wrote this? | ||
| Take that down. | ||
| It should just be... | ||
| Shane does stand-up. | ||
| His new stand-up special recorded here. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah, like that's going to help everybody. | ||
| Who's going to read that and be like, I want to hear about that Australian guy. | ||
| Who's going to read that? | ||
| Someone who don't want to listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Someone who's going to go, this is terrible. | ||
| Hey, was this set rowdy or calm or radical? | ||
| We had to get like minute clips. | ||
| You know how you got to like send a preview? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I couldn't. | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| Every minute I said gay or retard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| They're like, no, no, no, no, that's so funny. | ||
| They got like 10 seconds of one. | ||
| Hey, look, we were in good company here. | ||
| We got Tim, myself, Nate. | ||
| See what my blurb is. | ||
| It was even worse than yours. | ||
| It's something about farting. | ||
| Mine's pretty good. | ||
| Awkward lap dances to the intimacy of letting one rip in front of a spouse. | ||
| Rapid fire. | ||
| And look at you with that stupid watch on. | ||
| You don't go anywhere without that watch, goddammit. | ||
| You got that right, baby. | ||
| Timex. | ||
| Never breaks. | ||
| What time does it say? | ||
| 7.28. | ||
| It's close, same day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's 2.49. | |
| It's funny, we got in the pool yesterday and I was genuinely concerned about the watch. | ||
| I was like, dude, did your watch? | ||
| Can't break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it waterproof? | |
| It's waterproof. | ||
| It takes a look and keeps on taking. | ||
| Is it waterproof? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Do you do the math with the real time? | ||
| Yeah, every time. | ||
| So, like, you just add time to it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, look at the time right now. | ||
| What time is it really? | ||
| Uh, 3.51 in New York. | ||
| No, it's 2.49. | ||
| But I'm on New York. | ||
| New York is right. | ||
| It's New York time. | ||
| It's New York time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's New York time. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| It's just funny that you were off also in the minutes. | ||
| I went to Australia. | ||
| I used it every time. | ||
| Yeah, how could you have the minutes wrong? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's a little slow. | ||
| Also, Mark sets his clock two minutes fast, so we'll be on time, and he's still 40 minutes late. | ||
| You were late today, dickhead. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| My watch says 51, too. | ||
| So what did you say? | ||
| Did you say 51? | ||
| You better believe it, fatty. | ||
| But that was a minute ago. | ||
| No, it was a different time on 52 now. | ||
| It was a different time than what the fucking time on... | ||
| No. | ||
| I bet this watch lasts longer than that piece of shit. | ||
| What do you got there? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's a Garmin. | ||
| Garmin? | ||
| This thing has a GPS so the CIA can track me. | ||
| They're gonna fucking shoot you in the head. | ||
| No, it does a bunch of cool shit. | ||
| Measures your heart rate, but it doesn't work on me because I have tattoos. | ||
| It doesn't work through tattoos. | ||
| What? | ||
| I had that with other things, too. | ||
| The best heart rate boner is the straps, anyway. | ||
| I don't understand anything. | ||
| With what? | ||
| I mean, if somebody told me the watch was reading your heart, but a tattoo was blocking it, I'd be like, what the fuck are you even talking about? | ||
| It's accurate, but not as accurate. | ||
| The ink gets in the way. | ||
| It uses light. | ||
| So if you look at the back of this thing, this thing shoots light out. | ||
| And it can measure, if it's over an area that doesn't have a tattoo, it can measure how quick the blood is moving through your skin. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| If you're black as hell. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's not as accurate as the ones that you put around your chest. | ||
| They work on something else. | ||
| They work on, like, the... | ||
| What does that work on? | ||
| The chest trap one. | ||
| I don't want to fuck that up. | ||
| But it's more accurate. | ||
| How do they do that shit? | ||
| I don't want to see you yawn again, dude. | ||
| Oh, yonder. | ||
| Get a yonder bag. | ||
| Get a fucking... | ||
| Go bong a beer, dude. | ||
| Yeah, we got the eagle out there. | ||
| Get the eagle, Jamie. | ||
| Just clean it. | ||
| You cleaned it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get so excited for that thing. | ||
| You're so good at it. | ||
| He loves a beer bong. | ||
| Joe, is Jamie allowed to come to Ohio State Notre Dame with me, please? | ||
| Yeah, when is it? | ||
| Please, please, Joe. | ||
| Please, I have to work that day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Yes! | ||
| Jamie, you're allowed to sleep over. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Pizza party! | ||
| Joe, can Jamie sleep over at my house, please? | ||
| Well, who's driving you guys? | ||
| You can drink at the house. | ||
| Only at the house. | ||
| Promise me you're not going to drink in the park again. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| Yeah, what are you going to do when your kids are boozing? | ||
| That's going to be weird, huh? | ||
| Hooking up with comics and shit? | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe's going to be over there. | ||
| He's going to say, hello, father. | ||
| You're my father. | ||
| Just imagine if one of your older friends married your daughter. | ||
| That'd be a disaster. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You have to fight him. | ||
| It's like Al Pacino old. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have to go now, dude. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Al Pacino's having a kid right now. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Wild. | ||
| So is Mick Jagger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| Those are like ultra-marathon sperm. | ||
| Them sperms been kicking it in those balls. | ||
| They've been in there since the fucking Cold War. | ||
| I mean, when was he born? | ||
| He's 80 years old. | ||
| Oh, same as Biden? | ||
| He was born in like 47. Al Pacino is 83. Wow! | ||
| Wow, he's born before World War II. Is that the girl he got pregnant in the middle? | ||
| When did World War II start? | ||
| 1940? | ||
| 41 for us, let's go. | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| It depends. | ||
| 30s? | ||
| He's 5'6! | ||
| But 41 for us. | ||
| He's 83 years old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Still getting it up. | ||
| Blue chew, baby. | ||
| He's got that pre-fentanyl coke in his sperm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Also, he's probably got great doctors. | |
| His doctors are probably like, let's go. | ||
| Can you imagine that ball bag? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| My ball bag looks 83 now. | ||
| Can you imagine when you're 83? | ||
| What if it just gets younger and younger looking like a peach? | ||
| It plumps up. | ||
| I love ballplay. | ||
| Don't you love ballplay? | ||
| Twisted around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| What's up with those guys who like getting their nuts stomped? | ||
| Stomped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those videos are so wild. | |
| They go in weird directions. | ||
| It's like stepping on a half-deflated balloon. | ||
| Just kind of comes up. | ||
| So scary. | ||
| Jamie, can you play that? | ||
| Can you find guys? | ||
| And it's not like these girls. | ||
| I don't want to see that. | ||
| That's your mom's house. | ||
| Not like girls are turned on by it. | ||
| It's not like these girls with the shoes are like trained experts in how hard not to stomp your nuts. | ||
| Right, you gotta get a grape stomper. | ||
| You guys lose nuts that way. | ||
| I know of two guys who lost their balls in kickboxing. | ||
| What?! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what stomp is? | |
| One guy lost his balls because he went one more round with this dude, and he didn't want to put his cup on. | ||
| He was getting out of the cage, and then the guy was like, one more round. | ||
| He already took his cup off. | ||
| He's like, ah, just leave it off for one round. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| He takes his shin to the nuts, loses one of his nuts. | ||
| Two balls, one cup. | ||
| And another guy that I know of was a very similar situation. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Kick to the nuts. | ||
| Gagey? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| These guys from a long time ago. | ||
| Lost the ball, like it just ruptured, blew up? | ||
| Blew his ball apart. | ||
| Don Frye? | ||
| Oh, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Look at this. | ||
| That guy spiral kicked down. | ||
| He stepped on it. | ||
| He did like a fucking front flip and landed with one heel on that guy's nutsack. | ||
| Yuck. | ||
| He was like, I'll hit you anywhere, but fuck, it's that exact spot. | ||
| That's a bad spot. | ||
| The amount of ball trauma I took as a nine-year-old. | ||
| What were you doing? | ||
| Like middle school, every single one of our friends was socking each other. | ||
| I was playing Super Mario. | ||
| Some guy whipped me with a racetrack, you know, like the track, the orange thing. | ||
| It hit me right on one nut. | ||
| I was out for like three days. | ||
| You didn't know how to protect it back then, so you just walk into like crossbars and shit. | ||
| I've been kicked in the nuts at least a hundred times. | ||
| At least a hundred times. | ||
| Probably way more. | ||
| Because I did Taekwondo all the time. | ||
| You were always getting kicked in the nuts. | ||
| I got kicked in the nuts over and over again. | ||
| I think in the UFC it was allowed for a while. | ||
| Oh, that early one. | ||
| That guy kicked 40 punches in a row to the nuts. | ||
| Keith Hackney and Joe Son. | ||
| Oh, yeah, Joe Son had him at a headlock and Keith Hackney just looked at his nutsack. | ||
| Let's go He just punched him in the day That's the oldest days and the guy held on for a minute right? | ||
| He was trying to be like this doesn't bother me. | ||
| He got through like one or two punches, right? | ||
| There was a fight in Brazil. | ||
| It was a no-rules fight and this dude reached his hand into this guy's pants and grabbed his cock. | ||
| So he's got a headlock, and he's just going right to the sack-a-rooney here. | ||
| That's what I'd be doing. | ||
| This is like a little brother fighting. | ||
| Let go of the headlock, bro. | ||
| Let go of the headlock. | ||
| That's a tight panty, too. | ||
| At this point, his body's probably paralyzed. | ||
| He probably can't let go of the headlock. | ||
| I go finger up the butt. | ||
| I mean, you get desperate. | ||
| He's just taking how many shots of the sack? | ||
| How many shots are we in right now? | ||
| What is that, Gary Shandling? | ||
| Oh, they're replaying the same scene. | ||
| 20. Look at Don. | ||
| 20 punches. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| The Wild West. | ||
| That guy went to jail later for rape, didn't he? | ||
| Rape scene. | ||
| He just wanted to see if it could still work. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| Joe Song? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy getting punched in the ball. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| Wow, they still work, I guess. | ||
| That was a crazy time, man. | ||
| They used to be able to wear shoes, they could pull hair. | ||
| They would grab hair and elbow each other. | ||
| Some guys would wear a gi, other guys would wear. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| Grabbing hair? | ||
| I don't like any of that. | ||
| Well, don't grow a goddamn ponytail. | ||
| Yeah, you're just forcing guys to cut your hair. | ||
| I mean, I know you want to look cool, but you're going to fight in the cage. | ||
| In the NFL, in football, you're allowed to tackle a dude. | ||
| They don't call that horse color? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They might have just changed it. | ||
| Could you grab the hair? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You should just tuck it into your helmet. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They might have changed that. | ||
| But it looks wild. | ||
| I love the way it looks. | ||
| Those dudes have crazy braids coming out of there. | ||
| That looks dope as fuck. | ||
| Ricky Williams had that. | ||
| It's like a good way to shine. | ||
| It is a nice way. | ||
| Nobody can see your face. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| You gotta have the drip. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| What was it, Kyle Turley had the long blonde? | ||
| He's like a Viking. | ||
| Damn, Kyle Turley, what a pull. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Paul Malu was like the famous one. | ||
| Paul Malu looked great. | ||
| But in MMA, man, in the olden days, you shouldn't really have a ponytail. | ||
| I know you want to look cool, but when Kimo fought Poise Gracie, these are allowed to punch you in the balls and pull your hair. | ||
| Don't get in the ring. | ||
| Also, what are you training for? | ||
| All you have to do is punch a guy in the dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are we talking about? | |
| Is that in the training? | ||
| If you're allowed to punch in the balls, none of this matters. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Well, it kind of does because in the early UFC's you were allowed to punch in the balls and nobody punched Hoyce Gracie in the balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somebody should have. | |
| He knew how to fight. | ||
| It's not that easy to just punch him in the balls. | ||
| But if he's like crawling on you. | ||
| You've got to go for his balls. | ||
| If you get a chance, but he knows you're going to do that. | ||
| Almost no chance to do that. | ||
| I don't think I could. | ||
| Obviously, I know I couldn't. | ||
| Somebody could. | ||
| You'd kill me immediately. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But if you were remotely in shape and a guy was doing jiu-jitsu to you, you could probably get his balls or his butthole pretty quick. | ||
| Squeeze him. | ||
| Butthole. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh, he pulled the hair. | ||
| He scalped him. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Oh, he spiked it. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Fuck this guy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You're not supposed to touch black people's hair. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's what I've heard. | ||
| He was like, I'm sorry. | ||
| In all fairness, that's probably some stuff that's braided in there anyway, right? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I don't think dudes get extensions. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Men get extensions. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Some men do, but not really. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| I'm not saying those guys did it. | ||
| But I'm sure some of them would do it. | ||
| So where did that come out from? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of those are extensions in the NFL. Really? | ||
| You can't grow that in the summer. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you're right. | ||
| Yeah, it takes a long time to grow. | ||
| Some are real, but a lot are not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Half of it. | ||
| How long did it take you to grow that beard? | ||
| Started in late April. | ||
| Damn, son. | ||
| Pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been growing this for three years. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Guys, if I had a beard like that, I'd be so cool. | ||
| I started in a protest before Shane recorded a special and I said I'm not gonna shave it till it comes out. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| I grew a full beard once when this dude Evan Tanner died. | ||
| Evan Tanner was this MMA fighter that had this full beard and he was a real crazy dude, like real interesting guy and he died in the desert. | ||
| You know that story? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We got lost on a motorcycle, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| Did we cover this before? | ||
| I've heard you say this. | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, look at that guy. | ||
| Look at Burt Rogan over there. | ||
| By the way, that's me like shaving the top. | ||
| If I don't shave my cheek area, it goes like a werewolf. | ||
| It goes all the way up to my nostrils. | ||
| You got a little Hezbollah going here, too. | ||
| Some real Muslim. | ||
| You ever think about converting? | ||
| No. | ||
| Of you? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Islam. | ||
| You thought about converting? | ||
| You'd have to give up the Bud Lights. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| And the pork. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You can just be bad. | ||
| Oh, you can be bad? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But isn't that like, don't they kill you for that? | ||
| No, they don't kill you for Bud Lights. | ||
| Not in America. | ||
| But you're gay. | ||
| American Islam is pretty cool. | ||
| It's over there, Islam is tougher. | ||
| So, in American Islam, tell me what the rules are. | ||
| Same rules, you just don't do it. | ||
| Catholic girls aren't supposed to fuck in the ass, but they still do it. | ||
| Not all Catholic girls do that, dude. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| That's our people. | ||
| That's all my people, dude. | ||
| My mom and my sisters. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure they were the cool ones. | ||
| One of the wildest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They did not fuck in the ass. | |
| I believe you. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She definitely didn't do anal. | ||
| Wow, they kind of show one of the same. | ||
| Yeah, that was the joke. | ||
| None of it's correct. | ||
| That was the joke. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You gotta jar loose at Favre dump somehow. | ||
| Favre dump. | ||
| That's taking a number four. | ||
| Come on, Jamie. | ||
| Jamo! | ||
| So you could drink? | ||
| Yeah, you could drink. | ||
| You're just not supposed to, right? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| And you can't be gay. | ||
| What about gay stuff? | ||
| They kill the gays. | ||
| You can do a little gay stuff if you're drinking. | ||
| If you're drinking, you can do a little gay stuff. | ||
| If it's on a boy. | ||
| Just as long as they say Salam Alaykum before your career. | ||
| You're allowed to have a little fun. | ||
| You're allowed to have a little fun. | ||
| Catholics have the fucking greatest scheme ever. | ||
| All you have to do is say you're sorry. | ||
| Oopsies. | ||
| The oopsie box. | ||
| I think that's a fair thing. | ||
| And they gotta tell you do this like 20 times and fucking mean it this time. | ||
| Can I just do it 10 times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| That's not how we do it. | ||
| What a fucking sweep. | ||
| What a sweet escape clause, though. | ||
| To let people... | ||
| Look, people... | ||
| Because they probably gave up. | ||
| Oh, I fucking stole money. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Now I'm out. | ||
| Just tell everybody. | ||
| Say you're sorry, though. | ||
| It's actually pretty smart. | ||
| Remember when someone does something mean to you? | ||
| If they come up and go, yo, for real. | ||
| I'm sorry about that. | ||
| But what about the kid fucking? | ||
| You're alright, man. | ||
| The kid fucking's tough to apologize. | ||
| Well, it seems like that came about when they made celibacy mandatory. | ||
| Yeah, it's an unrealistic... | ||
| It seems like before that, there was a time where the priests were like, the rock stars. | ||
| And I think that became a problem because they were probably banging everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're the only ones who could read Latin. | ||
| They're the ones who are like distributing the word of the Lord. | ||
| Wearing cool-ass outfits. | ||
| Everyone else is in potato sacks. | ||
| I'm sure from there, like, can I just fuck Jews or something? | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| That's how you end up in a well. | ||
| Before it was illegal, I guarantee they fucked everybody. | ||
| Oh yeah, I went to Catholic school. | ||
| It was prevalent. | ||
| That's why a lot of gays become priests, because they're like, this is an evil thing, or let me go into a place where I'm not allowed to fuck anybody, so it's cool. | ||
| Most priests are gay dudes. | ||
| How about Confession? | ||
| That'd be a good podcast. | ||
| Confession podcast. | ||
| Just record it. | ||
| You think most priests are gay dudes? | ||
| I think most current priests are gay guys. | ||
| I don't think it's most, but I think it's a big factor of it, where it's like, this is the way I can cover up my evil desire. | ||
| Shane's out there collecting data. | ||
| I don't know where you're getting your fucking numbers from. | ||
| Young dudes becoming Catholic priests now are probably gay. | ||
| Super gay. | ||
| Do you know there's a... | ||
| Ah, man. | ||
| Every year there's a... | ||
| God damn it, Morgan! | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| That was a really good one. | ||
| That was a really good one. | ||
| One out of ten, I'll get one. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| You're like seven out of ten. | ||
| You've got two home runs so far, bro. | ||
| You're on fire. | ||
| Gotta keep drinking. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| You just get fucked up, huh? | ||
| We're trying. | ||
| I'm in the hangover hole, so I gotta go back to normal with like two glasses. | ||
| That'll get me to zero, and then I can get drunk. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I believe in you. | ||
| Yeah, you guys didn't go to Catholic school? | ||
| You got the Moyles. | ||
| They suck the little dicks. | ||
| Yeah, you guys are sucking kids' dicks, giving them herpes and shit. | ||
| I was at Moyles' assistant for a while, just for that suck fest. | ||
| You got a little snack. | ||
| You got the crumbs. | ||
| So sweet. | ||
| That baby crumbs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The crumbs! | |
| You were waiting like a dog at the table. | ||
| They say it gives some kids herpes, because sometimes the moil's got to... | ||
| Babies have died. | ||
| What? | ||
| Died from herpes. | ||
| That they got from the moil. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That is outrageous. | ||
| It is pretty outrageous. | ||
| There's a wild video of this guy explaining why it's important. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It comes from a time when sand would get in there. | ||
| Sand? | ||
| Yeah, in the fucking desert, you've got to cut open a baby's dick. | ||
| That's not your rule. | ||
| Yeah, fucking windstorms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, wash it off a little. | ||
| Suck the dick, Henry! | ||
| Stop the bleeding! | ||
| I'm not against circumcision. | ||
| That's alright, but you don't have to suck the kid's dick afterwards. | ||
| I'm against circumcision only for the dick sucking. | ||
| You want that sweet blood? | ||
| Oh, it's so good. | ||
| Imagine if they didn't cut the dick, they just said, look, we've decided that's a barbaric practice. | ||
| It's rooted in ignorance. | ||
| We're not cutting dicks anymore, but we still suck them. | ||
| We gotta suck them. | ||
| It's in the books! | ||
| It's in the books! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on! | |
| It's in the book! | ||
| Guys, it's written down. | ||
| I gotta suck your babies, dude. | ||
| It's the wildest one. | ||
| I wonder if that's what fucking started. | ||
| I wonder if Hitler heard about that and was just like, what? | ||
| We gotta do something about it. | ||
| That was his personal pizza gate. | ||
| Somebody was like, Adolf, you know what they're doing down there? | ||
| They told him when he was messed up, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| These motherfuckers. | ||
| Ultra-Orthodox reach deal on circumcision suction ritual. | ||
| Deal! | ||
| Bill de Blasio made a deal with him. | ||
| He's the one who killed our park! | ||
| Bill de Blasio's administration says moles should no longer be... | ||
| Moil. | ||
| Moil, sorry. | ||
| Should no longer be required to obtain signed consent forms before the rights of... | ||
| Say that, Ari. | ||
| This is worth the last word. | ||
| Matziza. | ||
| Suck with the mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I love getting a fucking, nothing better than a nice macisa bepé. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| That's the, yeah. | ||
| Macisa bepé. | ||
| Of course I got a Jew to write this article. | ||
| Elon, you gotta write this one. | ||
| Elon Galan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| There's an article saying it could be a matter of life and death for baby boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Because of people dying from diseases from the world. | ||
| How prevalent is this? | ||
| How much is this going on? | ||
| When I was younger, I'd see the rabbi just lick his fingers and then do it like that. | ||
| Just wash it off a little. | ||
| But he wouldn't be sucking it. | ||
| Yeah, but he was still getting his fucking herpes on the kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, I don't think they all had herpes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember that. | |
| He sounds like a coward. | ||
| A lot of these rabbis don't have herpes. | ||
| God commanded Abraham to circumcise himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I don't remember that part. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When Abraham was 99. He was the OG. He was the OG circumcision. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| When Abraham was 99, God appeared to him and instructed him. | ||
| What is this website first before I even... | ||
| No, it's a religious website. | ||
| It's the G-D. It's the Bible. | ||
| Chabad.org. | ||
| That's the outreach. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Appeared to him and instructed him to circumcise himself and all the male members of his household, including his 13-year-old son Ishmael. | ||
| They're all gay. | ||
| After the circumcision, God sent angels to inform Abraham that his wife Sarah would give birth to Isaac, the long-awaited heir to Abraham's tradition. | ||
| So this is why the Arabs are mad. | ||
| This was when Abraham was 99 he had a kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He had a second kid. | ||
| His first kid when he was 86. Yeah, but right there it says his wife Sarah. | ||
| That's when he was 99. This is why the Arabs are mad, because they're like, well, the firstborn son, that's Ishmael. | ||
| This is not real. | ||
| 99, get out of here. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It's totally real. | ||
| Guys, they wouldn't write down something that isn't real. | ||
| That's like months back then. | ||
| Wasn't Moses like 800 or something? | ||
| About that, yeah. | ||
| You think Mark Norman's clock is bad? | ||
| Do you know how fucking bad their clocks were back then? | ||
| They had no idea how long a year was. | ||
| They were just guessing. | ||
| You know how much of a fight it'd be? | ||
| They'd be like, yo, it's Tuesday. | ||
| They'd be like, dude, I swear to God, it's Wednesday. | ||
| Meet me here at 3 p.m. | ||
| What the fuck did that mean? | ||
| That didn't mean anything. | ||
| For real, like, via Cabama, Ecuador, all these people lived to, like, in their hundreds, and they couldn't figure out why. | ||
| And then one researcher went down there and was like, how do you guys live so long? | ||
| Is it the water or something? | ||
| And he figured out they're just lying. | ||
| Look what this says. | ||
| How do you say that dude's name, Ari? | ||
| Methuselah. | ||
| No, the first guy. | ||
| Lamech. | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| Lamech begets Noah. | ||
| Lamech begets Noah at age 188. Oh, come on. | ||
| And Methuselah lives 802 years after begetting him. | ||
| He was also the oldest of all figures mentioned in the Bible. | ||
| Methuselah is mentioned once in the Hebrew Bible outside of Genesis and in Chronicles 1-3. | ||
| I love the term beget. | ||
| I told a couple of girls to beget rid of it. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| What's the age of consent there? | ||
| Like 600? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| 99 year old dudes having kids. | ||
| Well that's, you know... | ||
| We're getting close now. | ||
| We were just talking about it. | ||
| Which is funny. | ||
| 800. They were lying, but we're actually getting close. | ||
| That's a wild thing to do, man, because you're not gonna be around. | ||
| Imagine getting carded. | ||
| You're just not gonna be around. | ||
| You're just not gonna be around. | ||
| God, I wish my special could have been 47 hours. | ||
| I would have covered all this shit. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Do it again. | ||
| Do it again. | ||
| Bring it back. | ||
| You probably could do Jew too. | ||
| Just circumcision you could do that. | ||
| And have your nose come out of the water? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was wonderful. | |
| The fin. | ||
| The fin! | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then, Jew 2. Jew 2. You can do it. | |
| Ari, let's film something dope. | ||
| I got my bonus features I'll put out at some point. | ||
| They're like Q&As all over the world. | ||
| I just didn't quite make it to the special. | ||
| But can I just say this podcast, Protect Our Parks, has some of the biggest specials around. | ||
| Mine was huge last year. | ||
| Shane's is going to be huge. | ||
| Mark Norman's top ten for two weeks on Netflix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| We're just waiting for one more member. | ||
| Oh, you fuckin' hack! | ||
| When's this coming? | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| I don't know, I haven't even thought about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What?! | |
| Why are you recording this? | ||
| Because I've just been writing new material and fuckin' around. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| That's probably a good move. | ||
| I'm so busy right now. | ||
| Right now, I like doing whatever the fuck I feel like doing. | ||
| Well, I wish I hadn't put mine out. | ||
| I got zero new shit. | ||
| It's fun though, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that fun? | |
| It's fun, but you sell out a show and people are like, hey, we like this guy. | ||
| Then you go up and they're like, oh, what happened? | ||
| But I'll get there. | ||
| I'll get there. | ||
| It takes a while. | ||
| When you take that stack of notes that you have, how do you figure out what you're doing? | ||
| Well, the top sheet is the new stuff. | ||
| And what are those back sheets? | ||
| That's old stuff. | ||
| Show, give us a visual. | ||
| Well, I didn't bring it today because I got crucified on the lab. | ||
| My DMs went nuts. | ||
| And now every show I do, they go, pull out the notes! | ||
| I want to see them. | ||
| Well, they're at the hotel in a case. | ||
| You better put those. | ||
| The room service is going to throw those out. | ||
| Well, once she sees the swastikas on there, she won't touch it. | ||
| My maid today moved the lotion and the hand towels to my bed stand. | ||
| Nothing worse than that. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| She moved it two days? | ||
| Yeah, she's like, I've waited on you before. | ||
| You left it on the bed, dude. | ||
| You left it on the bed. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it was. | ||
| You left it on the bed, dude. | ||
| I left it on the floor. | ||
| She cleaned it up. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| Oh, you left it on the floor. | ||
| I didn't know she'd come in. | ||
| I feel bad. | ||
| You're 50. Oh, you're so gross. | ||
| I'm jacking off, leaving lotion on the ground. | ||
| And if she saw your beard... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Do you have a little beard? | ||
| Tears on your pillow? | ||
| No, but if she saw you and she knew whose loads it were... | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn it. | |
| I was hoping it was somebody hot. | ||
| That's that old Jew load. | ||
| Crazy bearded man who lives in the forest. | ||
| He's just whacking off all day. | ||
| Yamaka. | ||
| He's came out of a fucking lighthouse. | ||
| Just jacking off. | ||
| I know, you tugboat Jew. | ||
| I suck tugboat. | ||
| You studied religion more than any of us. | ||
| Probably, I would say. | ||
| What do you think started it all? | ||
| A way to exist. | ||
| Have you ever thought about it? | ||
| No joke, a way to exist, so we have some rules, so nobody tries to fuck your wife anymore. | ||
| Make up some rules for shit like that. | ||
| Don't try to kill any of us. | ||
| There's a monster up there, so if you hit him, he's gonna fuck you up. | ||
| It's pretty smart. | ||
| It's a way to build a society. | ||
| These are the rules. | ||
| Right, but the problem with that explanation is that that would mean that one person knows better. | ||
| Or someone knows better. | ||
| And they're writing these rules out for everybody. | ||
| But it doesn't seem like that's the case. | ||
| It seems like everybody believed them. | ||
| It wasn't like there was a group of people that didn't believe in the gods. | ||
| They all kind of believed in it at one point in time. | ||
| And they were writing these rules based on something. | ||
| But where the fuck did they... | ||
| What's the real origins of all those stories? | ||
| Well, it's like the media narrative. | ||
| They want to tell you what they want you to know. | ||
| I think it's just like every society was like, we all sort of agree with this. | ||
| So that became like... | ||
| It's also every civilization does it. | ||
| So just instinctively, it's a human instinct to be like... | ||
| There's something else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like the reason you were talking about how nobody's content, which is actually probably a good thing. | ||
| That way we keep striving. | ||
| There's gotta be something up there. | ||
| There's something inside people that's like, there's something else. | ||
| It's gotta be. | ||
| We're not just dying here. | ||
| This can't be it. | ||
| Otherwise, we're not going to build this cool pyramid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So you know what Baha'i says? | ||
| Baha'i says the things you find in every religion, like don't kill, don't steal, don't fuck your neighbor's wife, the flood. | ||
| That's probably the word of God. | ||
| Everything else is some church fucking it up. | ||
| Like kosher, that's just you guys. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| If you could go back at any point in time and see how people were living, it'd just be like an invisible bulletproof bubble. | ||
| You could just exist and watch and no one would know you were there. | ||
| That'd be fun. | ||
| If you were like 1890s and you're just not the racist guy. | ||
| Or dinosaurs. | ||
| No danger. | ||
| Yeah, anything. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| 1930s Germany. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Occupy Occupy Wall Street. | |
| I'd be like, this is so quaint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Little you guys know what's coming. | |
| I was like, you guys have a really good idea, but it seems like you're not doing a lot with it. | ||
| Dark Ages Plague. | ||
| No, that'd be a nightmare. | ||
| Bulletproof. | ||
| Bulletproof's a good detail, too. | ||
| Yeah, you are in another universe, okay? | ||
| You exist in another dimension. | ||
| You're in a dimensional sphere that's allowing you to take place without- You can't talk to anybody, just watch. | ||
| You can't be interacted with. | ||
| Nothing can touch you. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| So you can't fuck middle-aged whores? | ||
| No, no, you can't go nutty. | ||
| You can't go nutty. | ||
| You can't go nutty. | ||
| Middle-aged whores were eight back then. | ||
| Everybody died at fifteen. | ||
| That's a cougar. | ||
| Eight year old cougar. | ||
| Everybody was dying. | ||
| They were just dying. | ||
| There's a book called The Great Mortality by John Kelly. | ||
| I was looking at it. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| The king of England showered three times in three months. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And that was a scandal. | ||
| Everyone was like, this motherfucker. | ||
| He's using up the water. | ||
| He thinks he is something else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No one shot. | ||
| It was rare to change your clothes once a year. | ||
| God. | ||
| Well, that's what they said about the Mongols, that their clothes, because there was animal skins. | ||
| Made out like rats and shit. | ||
| They were literally, yeah, rats. | ||
| Literally rot off of them. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Their clothes were like rotting off of them. | ||
| There's two places I would go there. | ||
| I would want to see Genghis Kong take over cities in China. | ||
| I would like to see that. | ||
| I'd love to see somebody being at a Pol Pot village right before he comes. | ||
| Shit like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine the pussy smell then. | ||
| Louis XIV was terrified of bathing. | ||
| He said to have taken only three baths in his life. | ||
| I thought it was in three months. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a different story. | |
| Way different guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Considerably worse. | |
| It's probably another one. | ||
| Louis took the trend for perfumery to new heights by... | ||
| Is this the Sun King? | ||
| Commissioning is perfumered to create a new scent for each day of the week. | ||
| Oh, hold on. | ||
| That's the bro. | ||
| They felt water spread disease. | ||
| Oh, it was thought that water spread disease, so the less you bathed, the less vulnerable you were. | ||
| Which it probably did. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, it's like pond water. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Bring back one of those scarifiers. | ||
| Shitting into holes in the ground and not washing their assholes. | ||
| The cities were just... | ||
| Same water. | ||
| Everyone throwing their shit out of their fucking window. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| Dude. | ||
| No plumbing. | ||
| Slaughterhouses everywhere. | ||
| Rats everywhere. | ||
| That detailed when people were, like, at the beginning of the turn of the century in America and what it was like in, like, the early 1900s in America. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They couldn't get food up to them. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| You think Amazon's dropping off your produce? | ||
| No, back then, no one's dropping off jack shit. | ||
| You're living in the city, no one's growing anything. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Terrible nutrition. | ||
| This is an article called The Disgusting History of Royal Palaces. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Just the very first thing, King Henry's Court. | ||
| What about it? | ||
| Because of so much human waste that was accumulating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| They actually did escape the disgusting messes large royal parties produced. | ||
| Palaces like Henry's Hampton Court had to be constantly evacuated so they could be cleaned of the accumulated mounds of human waste. | ||
| No plumbing! | ||
| Livestock and farmland also needed time to recover after supplying food for so many people. | ||
| Once the tour was over, Henry and a swelling court of over a thousand would keep moving for the rest of the year, traveling frequently between the king's 60 residences in a vain attempt to live in hygienic surroundings. | ||
| So he just kept shitting in all his different houses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the original shit order. | |
| He shit where he ate. | ||
| That's where it comes from. | ||
| I've been in there fucking eating poop for 12 years. | ||
| We gotta move. | ||
| Imagine these fucking people didn't know not to just shit in your house. | ||
| He's a hoarder. | ||
| He just kept moving spot to spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't want to go outside. | |
| This room's done. | ||
| You go outside, you might get hit with an arrow. | ||
| Shit in the palace. | ||
| There's a million Jason Voorhees's outside. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| The hallways would come so caked with grime and soot from constant fires that they were fairly black. | ||
| The very crush of the court members was so dense that it made a thorough housecleaning impossible and futile. | ||
| Though cleanliness standards were subpar throughout the medieval Renaissance and Regency eras, royal courts were typically dirtier than the average small cab at our home. | ||
| I'll be honest, Europe still fucking stinks, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it? | |
| Yeah, I was just there last week. | ||
| These fucking people stink. | ||
| None of the windows are great. | ||
| They got the BO bad. | ||
| They call us fat, dude. | ||
| They stink like shit. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| They do stink a lot. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| I'm not doing great. | ||
| Are they noticeably fatter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Way thinner. | ||
| No, they're thinner, but I'm saying UK is catching up big time. | ||
| UK's got some chubs. | ||
| UK's on our heels. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They're just 10 years, 20 years ahead of them. | ||
| They're pasty. | ||
| They've got all the fast food and shit. | ||
| They're getting it. | ||
| They're gross, like pasty and red. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with being pasty, red, and fat. | ||
| Some people like it, dude. | ||
| Some girls like it. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| But yeah, you know, they said in old New York, they had a company that would just move dead horses out of the road. | ||
| Because horses would just die, and you'd just leave it there. | ||
| What, are you going to push it in a dumpster? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Who paid for that? | ||
| Taxes? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| And there's horse shit everywhere, yeah. | ||
| Oh, horse shit everywhere. | ||
| But it's like an old car that just breaks down. | ||
| You just leave it. | ||
| And, by the way, imagine living in a whole city that's filled with people who took a fucking boat from Europe. | ||
| Everybody's a gambler, dude. | ||
| Everyone's a gambler. | ||
| Those are wild folks. | ||
| Ellis Island must have smelled horrible. | ||
| A boat that might not get there. | ||
| Might not get there. | ||
| Just for the chance. | ||
| How much do you really know about what's over there? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Somebody lied to you at a bar in Ireland. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| The streets are paid with gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm getting 15 gold pence a day. | |
| And then you show up and you're like, what is this black guy? | ||
| You show up and go, hey, you're going to fight in the Civil War. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Wait, we're in a war with Italians here? | ||
| We haven't even met them before. | ||
| You gotta shoot at other Irish guys right away. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The Donner Party? | ||
| Like, let's take a chance on a different state. | ||
| Grandpa just died. | ||
| Just keep walking. | ||
| Should we go next year? | ||
| Ah, we gotta go this year! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's something over there. | ||
| Curiosity. | ||
| How many people have they talked to that made that journey before them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was there anybody? | ||
| No, a couple. | ||
| The one guy was like, I know a better way. | ||
| The guide? | ||
| Oh, the guy said, I know a better way. | ||
| He was like, you gotta leave by March. | ||
| And they're like, late May still works. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| They just assumed something was over there. | ||
| Literally a map quest. | ||
| Literally a map quest. | ||
| They're trying to make a map. | ||
| They were just guessing. | ||
| They were kind of guessing. | ||
| They would eat like leather and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just boil a shoe. | ||
| And they were fucking the whole time. | ||
| Well. | ||
| In the back of those wagons. | ||
| They were all fucking. | ||
| They would have kids. | ||
| They'd have kids. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, there's nothing to do. | ||
| You're just stuck in the back of a wagon. | ||
| They split up. | ||
| One of the two parties had one fucking axe for firewood and they were swinging it and then that fucking axe handle just flew off 200 yards into the snow and they were like, We're all dead. | ||
| He couldn't find it? | ||
| It was gone. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They had to leave a lot of trees on fire and that didn't work very well. | ||
| Wait, did you read that book? | ||
| The Indifferent Stars Above? | ||
| No, we were just nearby there. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| All the history is everywhere. | ||
| Bro, that is so terrifying. | ||
| When they found them, the snow drifts were so big that they were in pits of like 20 feet of snow. | ||
| The rescue people found them. | ||
| They would, like, look in the pit, they'd see someone just, like, eating humans. | ||
| They were like, oh, yeah, just cover this pit. | ||
| This person's dead, too. | ||
| Not to mention some fucking Choctaws coming at you with a face paint. | ||
| Some bullshit Chippewa. | ||
| Yeah, they had a couple of Indian guides, and then they saw them looking at them, like, drumsticks in those cartoons. | ||
| You guys are on your own. | ||
| Sacagawea. | ||
| Sac lunch. | ||
| The wild thing is that's not that long ago. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's not long ago at all. | ||
| It was like the 50s. | ||
| I always say it's like 1977. It's three people ago. | ||
| But this is why we make up all these problems. | ||
| Because look what we used to have to deal with. | ||
| That's in our DNA. And now it's all easy. | ||
| It's a gravy train. | ||
| And we've got to make up shit. | ||
| There's definitely that. | ||
| People like to stay at a fucking pretty steady level of discontent. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And when life gets easier, they find new things to hit that level. | ||
| To get mad about it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It could be gender, it could be the climate, it could be the vaccine, it could be Ukraine. | ||
| Climate is, I'm not trying to, you know, minimalize it, but it is funny to be mad about the weather. | ||
| I swear to God, I know it's getting hotter. | ||
| We're doing the best we can. | ||
| You guys got to turn it down. | ||
| All right. | ||
| The hikers resign themselves to cannibalism and consider drawing lots for human sacrifice or even having two of the men square off in a duel. | ||
| Several members of the party soon died naturally, however, so the survivors roasted and consumed their corpses. | ||
| The gruesome meat gave them the energy they required, and following a month of walking, Jeff Ross is out there. | ||
| Jeff Ross is in there. | ||
| Seven of the original fifteen made it to a ranch in California and helped organize rescue efforts. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| They got roasted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For someone so pure and tan, it sure tastes like shit. | |
| Imagine just hanging out with that dude if he survived. | ||
| You would've done it too. | ||
| Not much of a party. | ||
| You would've done it. | ||
| You would've done it. | ||
| Don't judge me, please. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lady that was dead silent about it. | ||
| She was a famous survivor of it. | ||
| Ice, please. | ||
| Ice bucket. | ||
| Yeah, call ice. | ||
| Nice fucking challenge. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| The scariest part of that book, the Indifferent Stars of Blood, was the fucking, uh, the planes were so, like, that was nuts back then. | ||
| Planes? | ||
| The Great Plains. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was like, it was nothing, and it was an ocean, and it was terrifying, but like, a little, a toddler, because you're with your family, and you would stop, obviously, but like, if a little kid got off the wagon and started wandering around, They would just get lost in the tall grass. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| You couldn't find them. | ||
| Coyote would eat it. | ||
| They'd all cry and move on. | ||
| There's rattlesnakes. | ||
| Have another one. | ||
| There's all types of bullshit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Good times. | ||
| Let them keep wandering. | ||
| You'd just lose your kid like 10 feet away from you. | ||
| And now I'm like, the Domino's tracker sucks. | ||
| Yeah, this fucking guy didn't deliver my... | ||
| That's a good point, man. | ||
| Because it's not like all that land was excavated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was rumors of an easy way through. | |
| Not like a paved road somewhere. | ||
| Just like, there's less trees right there, I think we can gut it. | ||
| But is that why there's people in Oklahoma? | ||
| Because they just stopped there? | ||
| Stopped. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No sick of losing fucking kids! | ||
| Some of them, they gave them homesteads. | ||
| They gave them homesteads because they used them as bait to fight off the Comanche. | ||
| They couldn't get through Texas, Oklahoma. | ||
| The Comanche conquered this whole area. | ||
| They fucking ruled it because they were the best on riding horses. | ||
| They were the best at killing people. | ||
| They were for real. | ||
| They were wild. | ||
| Empire of the Summer Moon. | ||
| Amazing book. | ||
| But they just gave these people these ranches and didn't tell them. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, Comanche would just show up and just slaughter the whole family. | ||
| And then they would have a reason to go after the Comanche. | ||
| And then there was like, you know, it wasn't until the Texas Rangers came along and then they started using pistols. | ||
| That was when they had a revolver so they could shoot five shots. | ||
| That was the Colt.45, I think it was. | ||
| It wasn't Colt.45, but... | ||
| Whatever the gun was, the original gun, that was the first pistol, and that let them go bang, bang, bang, bang, instead of bang, and then a fucking musket, you gotta put the ball in, and they're running at you, throwing arrows at you. | ||
| So everybody was getting killed, until they figured out pistols. | ||
| So once they had a revolver, then the Texas Rangers started. | ||
| And they also started cold camping. | ||
| But the fuck is wild, dude. | ||
| Dude, that revolver is like, you know in the movie The Aliens, you finally blow up the ship, and then you realize, oh, there's 14 more. | ||
| And the whole movie was blowing up one. | ||
| You're like, oh, we're fucked. | ||
| They must have been like, we're barely fighting off these whites. | ||
| And then it was like, bah, bah, bah, bah. | ||
| And I'm like, damn, it's over. | ||
| They got us. | ||
| They also started using long-range rifles. | ||
| That was the moment where they were like, oh, it's really over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| They got a fucking, yeah, all the buffalo hunters had basically sniper rifles. | ||
| All right, just give us some blankets. | ||
| We'll call it even. | ||
| Those guys were getting really good at making long blankets. | ||
| Blankets have a smell on them. | ||
| Small bucks. | ||
| Yeah, once they had rifles, it was kind of game over. | ||
| But those Texas Rangers were so tough. | ||
| They're badass guys. | ||
| That was a wild thing to do, man. | ||
| A lot of them were bad. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, everybody was bad. | ||
| Bad was like a standard back then. | ||
| It's a different standard. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Just a few hundred years ago, everybody was a murderer. | ||
| All you had to do was not shoot someone in the back. | ||
| You were facing them at a table, and they weren't reached for anything. | ||
| It was fine. | ||
| Those Old West movies, they probably watered it down. | ||
| Colt Army Revolver, that's it. | ||
| Single action. | ||
| Colt's patented firearms manufacturer. | ||
| This is in 1871. Damn, that killed a lot of people. | ||
| So once they first started using those things, the whole game changed. | ||
| Imagine buying one of those. | ||
| You're like, hey, I won't die. | ||
| This is going to save my life. | ||
| Yeah, and you're running after the Comanche. | ||
| And I think you had to take the whole centerpiece out. | ||
| To change it? | ||
| Yeah, you had to take the whole thing out, and you could have another one. | ||
| How quick was the changeover? | ||
| Oh, it had six shots. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Well, for back then, that's crazy. | ||
| 1871. Yeah. | ||
| How long did they have the first Russian roulette with that? | ||
| Didn't they have some revolvers in the Civil War, the American Civil War? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They had like carbines and shit, right? | |
| 1871. But that would have been before, yeah. | ||
| So they would have to take, I think they'd have to take that whole centerpiece out, the original ones. | ||
| You see it there in the far right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Far right. | |
| That's it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So that comes out. | ||
| And they put another one in there. | ||
| You had to have a packed one already, right? | ||
| Yeah, you probably had a few on your pockets, you know, that you were carrying around with you. | ||
| How cool is that in the army when they're fucking talking? | ||
| Fucking reloading. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Let's go. | ||
| And they get back up there. | ||
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| That's part of the movie. | ||
| They fucking colonized Palestine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, jeez. | |
| Ouch. | ||
| Oh, yeah, no, it wasn't swamped before. | ||
| Hotel Aviv wasn't literally a swamp before. | ||
| The fucking Jews got there. | ||
| How'd you guys get there? | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| On British ships? | ||
| You still need the Goy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Goy's gave it to you, didn't they? | |
| Goy on Goy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going too hard! | |
| This is a good clip. | ||
| Don't you have a train to catch? | ||
| History is fun. | ||
| It's crazy that shit really happened. | ||
| Well, it's crazy that it didn't happen that long ago. | ||
| When I was a kid, I would think about World War II, I thought it was so long ago. | ||
| But it wasn't. | ||
| I was born in 67. It just got done. | ||
| World War II was 20 years. | ||
| So that's from here to 2003. 2003 was not that long ago. | ||
| 2003 does not seem like that long ago, that that was like World War II from the time I was born. | ||
| Holy shit, that's crazy. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| The kid AJ in Sopranos is now the same age as Gandolfini in the first season. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Wild. | ||
| Seems like I should be older. | ||
| That show seems like it ended a million years ago. | ||
| That show was amazing. | ||
| Great show. | ||
| Killed Gandolfini. | ||
| Killed him. | ||
| He got a character too much. | ||
| He ate himself to death. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| If you pull up what he ate on that last night, he was in Rome just going to town. | ||
| I think he was also doing blow. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I think that's a part of it. | ||
| Look at Bert Kreischer. | ||
| He's still out there kicking. | ||
| Bert's becoming an actor. | ||
| He's like, I only take roles where the character drinks a lot. | ||
| Yes, the machine. | ||
| I don't think the roll killed him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I'm joking. | |
| That's what they always said. | ||
| He got so fucking deep into those fucking murders that he was like... | ||
| It was a dinner roll. | ||
| James Gandolfini's last meal included two portions of fried king prawns, fogwa, and eight boozy drinks. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| That's not so bad. | ||
| That's overblown. | ||
| That's a Ralphie Mae. | ||
| I bet it was a coke. | ||
| A large portion of... | ||
| Heart attack. | ||
| Well, Google James Gandolfini cocaine. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Getting off of your rules. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| He was so good, dude. | ||
| So good. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| I think he was only 51. 51. 51! | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Ari! | ||
| I know. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| He said to have eaten the entire meal by himself, along with two rounds of a pina colada and two rums on the side before having another two beers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pina colada! | |
| These guys, this article's fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's us. | |
| That's written by a dork. | ||
| Someone's a rat. | ||
| Someone's ratting on him. | ||
| They're being like, he died from the food. | ||
| It's like, nah. | ||
| But was he doing coke too or is that just a rumor? | ||
| I don't want to say that. | ||
| He was an actor. | ||
| Gotta be. | ||
| Gotta be. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| I would go ahead and guess. | ||
| I don't think it was a pina colada and shrimp. | ||
| It is crazy that he is. | ||
| I think he was probably doing a little... | ||
| Hey, Siri, how many shrimp has killed people? | ||
| He was doing something awesome probably. | ||
| Another article says chronic cocaine abuse. | ||
| It's all intertwined. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| What is abuse, Dr. Hart? | ||
| And what is enjoyment? | ||
| What is this abuse talk? | ||
| Heart attack. | ||
| Why are we using this language, this restrictive language of abuse? | ||
| Good point. | ||
| A little coke every now and then, it'll keep you flying right. | ||
| The wildest number thing that we were just talking about the other day, that between the invention from the first flight with the airplane for Wilbur and Orville Wright, it was less than 50 years before they dropped a nuclear bomb out of war. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| We like war. | ||
| That's fast. | ||
| How wild is that? | ||
| I'm not surprised. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| I mean, that's wild. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Imagine flying it off of an aircraft carrier. | ||
| That stupid fucking plane that they had the first time. | ||
| That thing barely works. | ||
| That thing barely works. | ||
| That's my new material trying to get off. | ||
| Eventually it'll get there. | ||
| Eventually it'll be a giant bomb. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Oppenheimer. | ||
| They go from that to a nuclear bomb dropping on Hiroshima. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Woo! | ||
| And the playing part was like the also rant of the story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good times. | ||
| You ever seen the movie Flight? | ||
| He does a lot of blow to stay straight. | ||
| Well, the kamikazes were all doing some form of eventually. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It is pretty crazy when you see a fucked up guy at a bar, they go to the bathroom, come out fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| It's effective. | ||
| It does do its job. | ||
| It works. | ||
| Yeah, Ari's not recommending it, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| He's just saying my observations. | ||
| It's effective. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at these guys. | ||
| I mean, this is pretty wild. | ||
| This is 50 years after the invention of the fucking airplane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, these guys are nuts! | |
| It's in the cockpit from Star Wars. | ||
| It's so nuts! | ||
| Look at that thing! | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| I mean, now go back to the stupid Kitty Hawk one. | ||
| I love these. | ||
| Let's look at that one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's see the original. | ||
| Open up a new tab so we can go back and forth. | ||
| So now it's like, can you believe I sat in the runway for 30 minutes? | ||
| It's called a runway because we literally had to fucking Fred Flintstone run and start this place. | ||
| Bro, look at this. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Carolina. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| That counts. | ||
| If it breaks apart, it kills everyone instantly. | ||
| Right, but they go from that, what you're seeing right there, to a fucking giant plane that can carry a nuclear bomb. | ||
| America! | ||
| Or an atomic bomb. | ||
| We got the car, the plane, the phone, the radio. | ||
| It's so beautiful, that nuclear cloud. | ||
| It's so wild. | ||
| What a crazy invention. | ||
| And then that's when the aliens start showing up. | ||
| It's like a squid. | ||
| It's almost like we were sent a beak in them. | ||
| The aliens just immediately start fucking hovering over big cities and military bases. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Have you ever heard squids or aliens? | ||
| What are you people doing? | ||
| Fucking Mexicans. | ||
| You ever heard squids or aliens? | ||
| Squids, have you ever heard that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think from him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That thing looked like a squid. | ||
| It's a beacon to the fucking call the rest of them. | ||
| They never die. | ||
| Those octopus are like immortal. | ||
| That's Hiroshima. | ||
| This thing turns into a balloon. | ||
| Oh, that's a great one. | ||
| Scientists are so horny about it. | ||
| Yeah, they are! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've watched this one, the scientists are boners watching this. | |
| Damn, that's cool! | ||
| That's so cool! | ||
| And it shrinks too, because it's really small. | ||
| The ocean is just space the other way. | ||
| It is. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| That's a high thought, for sure. | ||
| Tell me that doesn't look like an alien. | ||
| There's big bushes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's like a labia. | ||
| It's like a coxswain. | ||
| That's a circumcision. | ||
| Look at him stand. | ||
| The moil's stepping in right now. | ||
| I can definitely do it with my bald skin. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Shoot that fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah, what's it doing? | ||
| That's wild, but that to me is not as wild as octopus. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When octopus can change their texture to look exactly like a coral reef. | ||
| Instantly. | ||
| When you're down there, they're like, oh, there's one. | ||
| They go, back to me, go on. | ||
| I want that explained to me. | ||
| Like, how the fuck are they doing this? | ||
| They change texture. | ||
| Go to octopus camouflage. | ||
| And they shoot ink, I believe. | ||
| What are Jerome Bettis highlights? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jerome Bettis, Notre Dame highlights. | |
| What they can do is... | ||
| Ew, there's volume. | ||
| What they can do, what's so wild, is they look like the floor. | ||
| They change texture as well as color. | ||
| They take texture? | ||
| They don't just look like the texture? | ||
| No, they can make their skin look different. | ||
| They can make it look like rocks. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| That's an octopus? | ||
| Yes, man. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, there it is. | ||
| I see it now. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| No, he had the stones on top of him. | ||
| This one did. | ||
| No, but some of... | ||
| Go to the ones where they change colors. | ||
| That one's blended in. | ||
| If Octopi are aliens, they're doing a shit job. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| That's a perfect example. | ||
| Go back to that again. | ||
| Go back to that again. | ||
| Look at the tentacles on it. | ||
| It changes texture. | ||
| So it changes texture to look exactly like what it's on top of. | ||
| It's like Dolezal. | ||
| It's so fast! | ||
| It's within a sec. | ||
| How does it know? | ||
| I mean, bro, how smart are those things? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| That's a mass evolution. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Come on, adapt. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| It's figuring out what the color of the ground is. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And then once it figures it out, it changes to look like the ground. | ||
| It's got trinstacles. | ||
| And they're gangsters. | ||
| They grab things and eat them. | ||
| Look like a lion for us. | ||
| I mean, what a fucked up way to exist. | ||
| All they do is- Yeah, it's crab. | ||
| I'm a crab guy. | ||
| Fuck off, you crab. | ||
| That crab's gonna get it. | ||
| That crab's gonna get it. | ||
| No, that crab's gonna get it. | ||
| He's in for a fight. | ||
| What are you gonna fucking do? | ||
| Those things are delicious. | ||
| I do love a crab. | ||
| Oh, look at him go down this hole! | ||
| Look at him go down a hole. | ||
| Come on, that's an alien. | ||
| That thing was an alien. | ||
| That's an alien and a gator is a dinosaur. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Looking like snakes. | ||
| Oh, he's eating the fish. | ||
| Well, gators existed when dinosaurs existed. | ||
| You hear me call that, Jamie? | ||
| That was a good call. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I said he's trying to be a lionfish. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| You're a lionfish. | ||
| Are you going to pee again? | ||
| No, I was getting some ice. | ||
| Why are you chastising him for peeing? | ||
| I thought he was going to pee, the old man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're being so nasty. | |
| I've got to pee soon. | ||
| When I pee, the bong's coming back, dude. | ||
| I saw it out there. | ||
| We're going to turn the jets up a little bit. | ||
| Then what is octopus bullshit? | ||
| It's time for Mike Allstad highlights. | ||
| Mike Allstad? | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| I'm a stud. | ||
| Football player who didn't die in battle. | ||
| What? | ||
| Football player who didn't die in battle. | ||
| All right. | ||
| What did you just say about Michael Satt? | ||
| It's a football player. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He didn't die in battles, should they? | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| How about that Bo Jackson? | ||
| He was strong. | ||
| He was. | ||
| He could break a bat over his knee. | ||
| Yes, All-Star, let's go. | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| Fucking white hunk. | ||
| One of the last great whites. | ||
| The last of the great whites until McCaffrey. | ||
| Well, you see Johnny Manziel? | ||
| Look at this, dude. | ||
| Get off me, you fucking idiot. | ||
| That was a great little documentary. | ||
| He's a white guy breaking out of a target. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Power back. | |
| Power back. | ||
| That is a crazy-ass sport. | ||
| Come here, motherfucker. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| I can't believe you're actually playing Mike Allstott Highlights. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| Isn't it wild that America's number one sport is without a doubt the most violent? | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In terms of collisions, it's war. | |
| Well, UFC, it's like neck and neck. | ||
| Who's number one now? | ||
| Yeah, but UFC has some regulations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Concussions? | |
| No, no. | ||
| Sport. | ||
| What is the number one sport in terms of watch? | ||
| Did UFC take over NFL? No. | ||
| UFC hasn't passed NBA. I think it's cornhole. | ||
| Top 100 most broadcast events of last year. | ||
| It's mostly football. | ||
| They're almost all football games. | ||
| What's the flag? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| There's one soccer game at 38. Oh, Trump debates. | ||
| What is the lighter football? | ||
| A college football game. | ||
| These are all NFL games specifically. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All pro. | |
| It's all football except for a couple soccer and one horse race. | ||
| One Olympic event made it in there. | ||
| The Oscars made it in there. | ||
| The Turkey's on 40. Two or three soccer games, which are probably World Cup games. | ||
| The Academy Awards was 77. Gays don't support their own. | ||
| So that's the number one, without a doubt, most viewed thing in America. | ||
| 82 of the 100 events were NFL games. | ||
| It was a slap in the World Cup. | ||
| Those were the soccer games. | ||
| It was World Cup. | ||
| If that was a different year. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| All messy. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| That's America's sport. | ||
| Baseball's out. | ||
| It is, and it's so violent. | ||
| No, not a single baseball game. | ||
| Baseball rules, though. | ||
| I like baseball. | ||
| Baseball does rule. | ||
| It's a great way to get drunk. | ||
| But you have to have free time for baseball. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Same with football. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, they had a couple... | ||
| Part of the thing. | ||
| The pastime. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They had a few $4 Yankee tickets in the outfit this year. | ||
| You could just go there and chill, right? | ||
| Would you? | ||
| Yeah, I would. | ||
| So when you guys go to see baseball games, since there is a lot of downtime, do you just mostly talk shit? | ||
| We go with all the comics sometimes. | ||
| Me and Mark had nipple tassels one of the year. | ||
| Just sitting up in the fucking bleachers having a good time. | ||
| We got hammered on that day. | ||
| That's about as drunk as you get as a baseball game. | ||
| Oh yeah, a lot of beers. | ||
| So long and fucking boring. | ||
| Big beers! | ||
| They're gonna close in the 7th. | ||
| We gotta get as many beers as we can right now. | ||
| And you pre-game. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you post-game. | ||
| It's a fucking good sport, dude. | ||
| Remember Jose Canseco? | ||
| He was fun. | ||
| Yeah, he did steroids. | ||
| That was sick. | ||
| He told on everybody. | ||
| Daryl Strawberry. | ||
| Have we talked about John Rocker on here? | ||
| John Rocker ruled. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Jay, please find John Rocker's... | ||
| Interviews? | ||
| Dude, he was the guy... | ||
| He was like the... | ||
| Radio? | ||
| Impetus for Kenny Powers. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He was the muse for Kenny Powers. | ||
| You gotta love that McBride. | ||
| If I wasn't a baseball player, I'd be a serial killer. | ||
| There's one quote where he has, he's like, I would never play in Newark. | ||
| You gotta sit next to some queer with AIDS. Jesus Christ! | ||
| The one thing I hate about New York is the foreigners. | ||
| How the fuck did they get into this country? | ||
| You can walk an entire block of time screwing out and hear anybody speaking English. | ||
| Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. | ||
| How the hell did they get into this country? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He threw Russian in there. | ||
| That's a way. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't race. | ||
| It was just like really America. | ||
| He would sprint out of the bullpen, dude. | ||
| Obviously on steroids. | ||
| His neck was his baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was just We gotta get Rocker on here. | |
| Before the quote, I remember my dad being like, son, sit down. | ||
| You gotta watch this guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, just him. | ||
| He was lights out, too. | ||
| They're in the same division as the Phillies, so I would watch him all the time. | ||
| He was lights out. | ||
| He was a great closer. | ||
| Yeah, he was a beast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Until he said that thing about New York. | ||
| Until he said that one thing. | ||
| He was easily the first guy to get canceled. | ||
| There he comes. | ||
| Yeah, big dog. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| That's a different guy doing it. | ||
| Late 80s? | ||
| 90s? | ||
| When was Rocker? | ||
| Early 90s? | ||
| Remember Imus? | ||
| No. | ||
| Rocker was like mid-90s. | ||
| I was watching it. | ||
| People used to say crazy shit all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Jimmy the Greek was the best. | ||
| Jimmy the Greek. | ||
| And the guy from golf who was like, well, women can't be as good because they've got these big tits down to hold around. | ||
| Well, that's true. | ||
| Both of them were right. | ||
| I was like, what do you mean? | ||
| I think they just, did some chess organization just ban transgender men or transgender women from competing against women? | ||
| Which is weird, because it's not physical. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Wait, there are separate divisions for men? | ||
| Men are smarter than women. | ||
| Wait, chess is not just one sport for men and women? | ||
| The Queen's Gambit is not real. | ||
| World chess body burns transgender women from women's tournaments. | ||
| Is there a fucking strength component to chess? | ||
| I don't understand why there's separate... | ||
| No, it's mental. | ||
| Brain! | ||
| Well, poker, they just got one. | ||
| Yeah, but it's even more of an advantage to be a man mentally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the only way to say there's two divisions. | |
| I bet the Federation's based in, like, Russia. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I bet it is. | ||
| Oh, but hold on a second. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This makes sense. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| Change of gender is a change that has a significant impact on a player's status and future eligibility to tournaments. | ||
| Therefore, it can only be made if there is a relevant proof of the change provided. | ||
| You can't just say you're trans. | ||
| You've got to have this surgery. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Players will have to provide documentation that the gender change complies with the national laws and regulations through their own federation. | ||
| It then has to be confirmed in writing that the player is familiar with the restrictions established by these regulations and undertakes to comply with them. | ||
| Yeah, they're just saying, don't cheat the system. | ||
| This is like when Jews apply for African American grants because they say I'm Moroccan Jewish. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And everyone's like, that's not what we're talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, the Asians are getting fucked with the colleges. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Although they took that law away, I think. | ||
| Confirmative action. | ||
| Yeah, so now it means Asians are just going to fill up all colleges. | ||
| Yeah, they're the best. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| Look at the NBA. Who gives a fuck? | ||
| If they're the best, they're the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's have them. | ||
| They're our country. | ||
| They're number one. | ||
| Let's have them. | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| And they keep quiet about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're very smart people. | ||
| Well, if there is a group of people that's dominating any one particular field and someone is competing with them, I guess you're going to have to do better. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I guess you're going to have to do better. | ||
| And clearly, if you're intellectually competing with people that are working way harder than you, and it means more to them, and they're way more serious about it than you, they're probably going to get ahead of you. | ||
| That first week of college when you see all the Asian kids, like, we've been studying. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is not weird for us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're like, damn, you're getting ahead. | ||
| Well, look at the Indians with the spelling bee. | ||
| They kill it. | ||
| They crush it. | ||
| Because their names are Rashmaharararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararar It was that one. | ||
| It's so funny hearing these names and not knowing anything about it. | ||
| Just hearing a name of a political guy. | ||
| Well, it's fascinating for me to know you, too, because you don't pay attention to anything. | ||
| So it's interesting, what gets to Ari? | ||
| What does something have to be so interesting or kooky in the world that it actually gets to Ari? | ||
| The submarine got to me? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What gets to me? | ||
| What else? | ||
| Lizzo? | ||
| You hear rumors of things. | ||
| That's how it used to be. | ||
| That's probably a good way to approach life, because only the really serious stuff gets in there. | ||
| The only news I need is a weather report, right? | ||
| You don't want to be sitting around wondering what the World Economic Forum is plotting. | ||
| Who gives a fuck to you? | ||
| None of this matters to you. | ||
| You heard about Hunter Biden and all that. | ||
| Heard about it a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, big things you hear about. | ||
| Okay, what about the... | ||
| Queen is dead. | ||
| You hear about the Queen is dead. | ||
| Capital riot. | ||
| January 6th. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was in Ecuador on that. | ||
| I sent a text. | ||
| Everyone was talking about it. | ||
| I sent a text to Oregon on my view. | ||
| It was a meteor on a hammock looking out at beautiful woods. | ||
| And Joe goes, oh yeah, you're winning this. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| You want to be here for this shit show. | ||
| Did you hear about Burisma? | ||
| What's Burisma? | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| The place Hunter Biden worked. | ||
| What is Will Ferrell going to play him in a movie? | ||
| That would be amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, Cocaine Bear 2. Yeah. | |
| Or Jim McBride. | ||
| Either of those guys. | ||
| Will Ferrell could kill it. | ||
| Could kill it. | ||
| He's a little too old, though. | ||
| I bet they're close. | ||
| Although back when Hunter was really killing it. | ||
| Back when Hunter was really killing it. | ||
| He's aged. | ||
| You've got to get a younger guy. | ||
| James Franco. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| True. | ||
| The return of the king. | ||
| He's got a little stank on him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That might work. | ||
| That dude leaving baggies at the fucking White House. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| It might not be him. | ||
| There are no repercussions. | ||
| How do we know? | ||
| It is the White House. | ||
| How do we know? | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| Honestly, I bet a lot of people are doing cocaine there. | ||
| I would hope so. | ||
| It's such a sweet place to do cocaine. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| If you don't do coke and then Obama or Trump or Biden is like, line it up, you'd be like, I'm doing coke. | ||
| You think Obama did coke with people? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| I think he did crack and had gay sex with his chef. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Shut it down! | ||
| Shut it down! | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| I don't think that's real. | ||
| Whatever happened to that chef, by the way? | ||
| He ended up, he drowned in a pond. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Two feet of water. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird one. | ||
| You know. | ||
| I get you. | ||
| Boy, imagine though if the chef really did drown, Obama would be like, FUCK! No one's gonna beat this guy. | ||
| No, no chance. | ||
| Everyone's gonna think I fucked this guy. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| And then you got Tucker Carlson saying he has gay sex. | ||
| Oh yeah, he keeps saying it over and over. | ||
| Tucker's getting fired up. | ||
| Tucker is wild now that he's on Twitter. | ||
| You can say whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| It's so funny, he's not right or left. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He's not right or left. | ||
| You see that? | ||
| The worst thing he does, though, is he does this thing... | ||
| So I was watching the interview he did with the Hungarian Prime Minister. | ||
| You guys see that one? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| I'm telling you, I'm watching all these fucking things. | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| I mean, maybe, unless the Hungarian Prime Minister is a fucking nutjob, which, you know... | ||
| Could be. | ||
| He's a fucking Hungarian Prime Minister. | ||
| Yeah, HPM. But the whole time, they're talking about the war in Russia and all this very serious stuff, but occasionally... | ||
| Fucking Tucker will just be like... | ||
| The laugh is bad. | ||
| He does this fucking... | ||
| When I realized who he was, it was Gomez. | ||
| When Gomez was on there, and he goes, how do you feel about politics? | ||
| And Gomez just goes, Lewis just goes, politics is gay. | ||
| You hear who Tucker really is? | ||
| He just goes... | ||
| Like, he hasn't had someone speak honestly for a while. | ||
| He literally laughs like he's like, yeah, he's like, royal. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, what? | ||
| Who the fuck laughs like that? | ||
| There's an old video. | ||
| Also, I saw him pack his in, and I was like, this guy's a fool. | ||
| Oh, he's in? | ||
| He was trying to be cool. | ||
| No, you don't need to pack these. | ||
| He literally was like, Shane hates people for frat reasons. | ||
| He plays beer prong and lets it bounce. | ||
| You could go that way. | ||
| Oh, you look like a Downsy. | ||
| You're just shaking that like a monkey with a stick. | ||
| It has nothing to do with the candy. | ||
| Oh, this is me. | ||
| I took shrooms the other day. | ||
| Penis Envy, the strongest shrooms on the planet. | ||
| That's the worst one, dude. | ||
| The worst. | ||
| But I went and saw a concert, and they weren't kicking in, so I kept eating them, and my buddy was doing a zin. | ||
| I go, let me try one of these. | ||
| Put it in. | ||
| Shroomed my face off. | ||
| It like kicked it up. | ||
| It was not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's pretty neat there. | |
| I missed the whole concert. | ||
| They do that in certain ceremonies. | ||
| They blow tobacco smoke on people. | ||
| No, you snort tobacco. | ||
| Yeah, that too. | ||
| It kicks it way up. | ||
| It was a huge mistake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, both. | |
| Yeah, there's people snort tobacco that's like mixed with a bunch of other shit too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's stuff called, I think it's called Akuhei, and they fucking blow it up each other's nostrils. | ||
| Snuff, like... | ||
| Yeah, like, you stand over there, and I have, like, a bamboo shoot. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait! | ||
| No, wait! | ||
| And apparently it's nasty, and your fucking nose beats butt. | ||
| Yeah, let's do that. | ||
| You and your boys shooting shit up each other's fucking butts. | ||
| See if you can find whatever that shit is. | ||
| You're gonna go nose. | ||
| Go Ari. | ||
| See if you can find that stuff they shoot up each other's noses. | ||
| It's like a blowgun filled with a drug. | ||
| I think it's called Akuhei, but I don't know how to spell that. | ||
| Akuhei. | ||
| Those guys were having a good time. | ||
| Having a good time. | ||
| They figured some stuff out. | ||
| Take it down. | ||
| Stuck in the jungle? | ||
| You got a leaf over your dick, but I know how to get high as fuck, bro. | ||
| And this river is filled with fish. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Think of figuring out how to get high back then. | ||
| Get some fucking hut in the jungle. | ||
| You're like, yo, we're getting ripped, dude. | ||
| Rape. | ||
| Rape? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rape. | |
| It's more rape. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's a shamanic snuff. | ||
| It contains nicotinia rustica type of tobacco, also known as Mapacho. | ||
| It's different from the tobacco used in cigarettes, which is nicotinia tobacco, although it contains tobacco. | ||
| You don't want to smoke. | ||
| Rape. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Jesus, yikes. | ||
| Instead, it's administered into your nose. | ||
| Look at that Cat Williams joke. | ||
| He's like, this shit's called rape. | ||
| It also contains other medicinal and sacred plants, including parts from tree bark, leaves, seeds, and various plants. | ||
| Once collected, the components become pulverized with a pestle and strained through a mesh. | ||
| The result is a fine, light-colored powder. | ||
| Different combinations of plants provide different uses and effects, and the exact recipe is often kept secret by the shaman. | ||
| That's how bad people want to get high. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll try anything. | ||
| Remember when they were licking frogs' backs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think they probably still are. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they still are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| They get their secretion and they smoke it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| The secretion off of the frog, they'll put it on a glass window pane and they rub it all over and the frog freaks out and creates this juicy shit to keep people from eating it. | ||
| And then you put the frog back in his little frog box and then you let the shit dry in the sun and you scrape it off and smoke it. | ||
| How do you figure that out? | ||
| How many other things did you try? | ||
| You're stuck in the fucking jungle. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Crazy people. | ||
| You got nothing going on. | ||
| Or you do mushrooms and the trees talk to you. | ||
| Now we're talking. | ||
| Because that's the simplest one. | ||
| Imagine the first guy's like, can I eat that? | ||
| Yeah, you can. | ||
| You can eat it. | ||
| People try it. | ||
| They don't die. | ||
| So they know which ones they can eat. | ||
| But imagine some of them. | ||
| You're fucking starving? | ||
| The trees will speak to you? | ||
| Bro, you're starving. | ||
| You're starving. | ||
| You literally, your family might die, and you stumble upon a pound of mushrooms, and you scoop them up, and you bring them back to your family, and you're all eating these mushrooms just blown out of your fucking mind. | ||
| Just blown out of your mind. | ||
| Empty stomach pounds of mushrooms. | ||
| So say there's like an open field and it just rained. | ||
| You get up in the morning. | ||
| Dude, everybody's doing toad now. | ||
| I keep hearing about it. | ||
| Mike Tyson calls it the toad. | ||
| That dude looks like the kind of guy that would get you DMT. He totally does. | ||
| Look at that guy's unnecessarily necklace. | ||
| But waking up, I mean, that would have been like a religious experience. | ||
| If you took mushrooms, no one ever took mushrooms before that you talked to. | ||
| I saw God. | ||
| You'd be like, yo. | ||
| No explanation of it. | ||
| Well, that's what Terence McKenna thinks created people. | ||
| He thinks it's called the stoned ape theory. | ||
| He thinks that people started experimenting with mushrooms, and that was responsible for the doubling of the human brain size over a period of two million years. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| It's a fascinating theory that his brother, who's like a legitimate scientist, is... | ||
| What does this guy do? | ||
| He's tripping balls. | ||
| With a toad, son. | ||
| Whoa, he's out! | ||
| That's like a fentanyl trip. | ||
| That dude's in the center of the universe right now. | ||
| Trash all over the beach. | ||
| It's not a beautiful beach at all. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Look at this dude fucking with his trip. | ||
| Banging gongs and shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, that's magical. | ||
| Oh, imagine these dudes standing over you while you're tripping balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy is having a blast. | |
| He's in heaven. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably literally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's probably what it is. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| They're having a good time. | ||
| It's Margaritaville. | ||
| RIP. Yep. | ||
| The buff. | ||
| And Smash Mouth. | ||
| That guy's on the way out, right? | ||
| I think he died. | ||
| He did die? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thank you for admitting it. | ||
| Smash Mouth guy died? | ||
| He's an all-star. | ||
| What's that, Jamie? | ||
| He died? | ||
| No, I didn't deserve it on that, dude. | ||
| I went to mine, I got mocked for it. | ||
| It's Jamie. | ||
| Jamie's ready. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's eager. | |
| He's thirsty. | ||
| Did the guy from Smash Mouth die, Jamie? | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| Passed away today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, liver, kidney. | |
| Yikes. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| He had a good run. | ||
| He had a great run, dude. | ||
| That was a great song. | ||
| What a very tiny run. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| That song's incredible. | ||
| One song. | ||
| Don't do it already. | ||
| You might as well be walking on the sun. | ||
| Wasn't that them? | ||
| That was good. | ||
| Wasn't that them? | ||
| Yeah, that was good. | ||
| They got some fucking bangers, dude. | ||
| Smash Mouth rules. | ||
| It's better than that fucking hippie bullshit you listen to. | ||
| Two songs. | ||
| You listen to fucking... | ||
| Yeah, what do you like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Furthermore... | |
| I just listen to Gwar. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Smash Mouth. | ||
| Oh, he's bringing it to Jamie. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| Can you play music on here? | ||
| I can play some. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We kind of just do, and then we see what happens. | |
| I can't get enough of you, baby. | ||
| That song sucks. | ||
| Oh, look at you. | ||
| You're defending Smash Mouth. | ||
| They were in Shrek. | ||
| They were in Also Ran. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| And Also Ran? | ||
| Jesus Christ, Ari. | ||
| It's very cold, right? | ||
| It's so cold. | ||
| It's so cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| It's so cold, it's hard to drink. | ||
| I got a piss. | ||
| I already pissed. | ||
| I beat Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I pissed. | |
| I snuck out. | ||
| You beat everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah. | |
| You've been pissing out lately, dude. | ||
| I've been clocking it. | ||
| I'm worried about it. | ||
| You got soft. | ||
| I just got workout shorts on? | ||
| Ever since you challenged me, dude, your chin's been rocked. | ||
| Your chin's been rocked. | ||
| Yeah, you're weak. | ||
| Hey, we should plug dates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's very cold. | |
| I'll be in Oklahoma City. | ||
| Tickets aren't moving. | ||
| Come on out. | ||
| And I'm in Europe. | ||
| MarcoAndComedy.com. | ||
| Portugal, huh? | ||
| Oh yeah, going straight from here to Portugal, which is going to be a nutty coach plane ride. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| That's how everybody lives. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Well, what do you got? | ||
| I'm Ari Shaffir. | ||
| I'll be in Philadelphia, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Chicago, Kansas City, Iowa City, Indianapolis, Louisville, St. Louisville, Tempe, Tucson, Boston, Foxwoods, and Albany. | ||
| And watch all our specials. | ||
| ruchaffir.com. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Today is Shane's special. | ||
| Yeah, watch it on Netflix. | ||
| Yeah, it's a killer. | ||
| Notch on Netflix for sure. | ||
| Make it number one. | ||
| Make it the most watched special of all time. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be really cool. | ||
| Aw, look at that kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful Dogs. | |
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| Beautiful Dogs references one of the bits in the special. | ||
| That was Adam Eagat. | ||
| Adam Eagat. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They said you gotta call it that. | ||
| Because naming a special is fucking lame. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| I was just going to say, live in fucking Virginia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Beautiful dogs. | ||
| Adam Egott. | ||
| There you go, Egott. | ||
| Egott's the best. | ||
| Good egg. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| He's trying really hard. | ||
| Nothing I love more than trying to get him to drink. | ||
| He's trying really hard not to get fucked up. | ||
| Oh, you get to him too. | ||
| Holocaust Deny, Norman McDonald said. | ||
| He does deny the Holocaust. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fun to wave coke in his face because he's like, he starts twitching. | ||
| He wants it. | ||
| He wants it. | ||
| We all did Mushrooms one time in Joshua Tree. | ||
| We just went late night from the Comedy Store, like, let's just get out there. | ||
| And Igor was wearing his manager's suit. | ||
| So we're wandering the desert. | ||
| He's wearing a fucking full suit. | ||
| I think Hitchcliffe, me, Edgar, and him. | ||
| And then it's like, he's just crossing a road and some car comes by. | ||
| He just sees a dude with a black suit with a black tie. | ||
| They're like, what the fuck at 3am? | ||
| Jehovah's Witness. | ||
| Shroom to the gills. | ||
| Shroom to the gills. | ||
| Wandering around the desert. | ||
| Shroom to the gills. | ||
| Hey, hey. | ||
| Woo, smash mouth. | ||
| Smash mouth. | ||
| Everybody's dying. | ||
| Fucking vaccine. | ||
| COVID's back and nobody cares. | ||
| I know three people who have it, and they don't really give a shit. | ||
| I think you're about to have it, for real. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I think I might have it. | ||
| I've had a cough that won't go away for about a week. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Are you lying, fucker? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He didn't even tell us. | ||
| I confessed to my COVID, you know, right away. | ||
| It's going off! | ||
| Fucking stupid fucking COVID alarm. | ||
| 321. What do you do when you do shows in Europe? | ||
| And that fucker just goes off. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| I hear audience members going, watch, that's the They love your stupid watch. | ||
| Oh yeah, I tell you, this thing takes a licking. | ||
| Why don't you just set it to the right time? | ||
| If I knew how, I would. | ||
| Jesus Christy. | ||
| It's got four buttons on it. | ||
| It's a fun watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like it. | |
| It must be so easy to figure out. | ||
| Hey, you want a try there? | ||
| Yeah, you fucking throw in the trash. | ||
| Yeah, I could figure that out for sure. | ||
| Not if you're thinking about puns all day. | ||
| Drink this. | ||
| You gotta watch what you say. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| It's cold. | ||
| Suck it down, homo! | ||
| It's an ice bath. | ||
| You can cough it out. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| It's so cold. | ||
| Come on! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I feel like I could talk you into doing things. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I love you for real. | ||
| I love you for real too. | ||
| I think you're the man to bring Bud Light back. | ||
| I think you and Tim Dillon pair up. | ||
| Bud Light has some balls. | ||
| Throw some real fucking money at a campaign. | ||
| Mulvaney's got balls. | ||
| Two of the funniest guys on planet Earth, one of them is straight sober, and you're just drinking Bud Light the whole time talking shit. | ||
| I mean, that would be it. | ||
| Put Tim in a wig. | ||
| They'd fucking put out a series of really funny ads. | ||
| People would go, all right, it's been enough time. | ||
| Tim's sober, but he's like, when I'm done ripping ass all day, I like a Bud Light. | ||
| Stuffing kids Yeah, yeah, that's the thing we just we were just in I was in a college town like up for a month. | ||
| Yeah, you see 21 22 year olds you're like That's a fucking kid That's a kid. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| And then you see the mirror while you're walking out of the fucking bar. | ||
| You're like, holy shit. | ||
| You're hard. | ||
| I'm just an old man. | ||
| I'm just a gross piece of shit. | ||
| You are to them what I am to you. | ||
| For real. | ||
| That is the age difference. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm the next step up above that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but you look. | ||
| You've got that alien blood. | ||
| Yeah, you're a fucking alien. | ||
| You're an octopus, dude. | ||
| How cold is it, Mark? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't halfway. | |
| Don't halfway. | ||
| Mark, this is for the troops, dude. | ||
| For the troops. | ||
| Did he halfway? | ||
| Did he halfway? | ||
| You kneel and finish it. | ||
| I got three-fourths. | ||
| Russia's gonna win. | ||
| Three-fourths? | ||
| Russia's gonna win. | ||
| This is for Ukraine, dude. | ||
| He measures that like he measures his dick. | ||
| Three-fourths. | ||
| From the ballsack. | ||
| Every three-fourths of an inch counts. | ||
| I go from the taint all the way up. | ||
| Give me an extra two inches. | ||
| What are you guys, about six? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| You're like, biblical? | ||
| You're like, yeah, he was about 800 years old. | ||
| My dick's about fucking five feet long. | ||
| What kind of goofy calendar did they have in the year zero? | ||
| Forget about it. | ||
| They were just going, dude. | ||
| Didn't we just have a winter like a couple months ago, right? | ||
| Are we in the wrong spot? | ||
| Did we stay in the wrong spot? | ||
| Like, if you fucked up and you moved to Alaska, you're like, what is this bullshit? | ||
| There's no sun for months. | ||
| Nightmare. | ||
| You just thought that was normal. | ||
| You know how during the summer you forget what it's like to be cold? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They must have been like, they must have literally been like, ah, fuck, it's never going to be cold again. | ||
| Yo, you know what one of the dopest vampire movies ever is? | ||
| Yeah, let me hear it. | ||
| 30 Days of Night. | ||
| 30 Days of Night. | ||
| Never heard of it. | ||
| Don't get me started on Hartnett, dude. | ||
| You got a month to avoid them. | ||
| Love that movie. | ||
| Hartnett's a hunk. | ||
| That was Josh Hartnett in that? | ||
| Hartnett's a baby. | ||
| Josh Hartnett was one of the all-time greatest white Joshes. | ||
| Yeah, he's the best. | ||
| Very few. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened to that guy? | |
| She was in Blacks. | ||
| Where did that guy go? | ||
| He's still around. | ||
| He's around. | ||
| He was in Oppenheimer? | ||
| I haven't seen Oppenheimer. | ||
| He was actually in Oppenheimer. | ||
| But he rules in this movie. | ||
| We're starting to talk over each other. | ||
| That means it's good. | ||
| It's working. | ||
| It's working. | ||
| Give me a fucking trailer for 30 days a night, Jimmy. | ||
| I've never heard of this movie. | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
| Vampires land in Alaska right when there's going to be no sun for 30 days. | ||
| What do you mean land? | ||
| Wait, not vampires. | ||
| In a They come in a boat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They come in a boat. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| I thought it was people in homes. | ||
| Which one was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| 30 Days a Night is the vampires that come into a town in Alaska. | ||
| Yeah, but there was another one in Vampires in Alaska. | ||
| Here, watch this. | ||
| This is the trailer. | ||
| I ain't no vampire. | ||
| This is the trailer. | ||
| This is all about vampires. | ||
| Is this a comedy? | ||
| You stupid ass. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| You probably thought it was just your relatives. | ||
| Because you're Jewish. | ||
| Oh, Viking. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| This movie fucking rules. | ||
| I've never heard of it. | ||
| What year? | ||
| 2007. Yeah, 15 years ago. | ||
| And they're cool vampires, too. | ||
| They're freaky looking. | ||
| What year is it set in? | ||
| It's today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- Dying! - Dying! - Alaska sucks. - The time is coming. | |
| Yikes! | ||
| I am Nando the Relentless. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Such a good show. | |
| I thought that was Matt Taibbi. | ||
| There's Hartnett. | ||
| Look at how Hartnett is, dude. | ||
| He's so handsome. | ||
| Especially bundled up. | ||
| I'd love to shack up with him. | ||
| Oh, and the cop outfit. | ||
| Ben Foster fucking rules. | ||
| He rules in everything. | ||
| Great ass. | ||
| He's so good in everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so good in everything. | |
| Hell or high water? | ||
| Hell or high water. | ||
| He's so good in this. | ||
| And he's like the perfect vampire familiar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Someone who wants to be a vampire is so bad. | |
| Gamma's top five familiars all the time. | ||
| Gamma's a great familiar. | ||
| Sam Raimi! | ||
| Can you hand me a beer, please? | ||
| It's time for me to release my hellhound, Doug Peterson. | ||
| So, they like it because there's no sun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No sun. | |
| That's pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't have to go to sleep at all. | |
| A lot of blood. | ||
| This is terrifying. | ||
| I'm not gay, but when I was a young man, Hartnett was my guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, when I was a young man, I was like, that's the hottest guy possible. | ||
| I go Paul Newman. | ||
| Young Paul Newman is pretty hot. | ||
| So hot. | ||
| So hot. | ||
| Yeah, but you were... | ||
| No, now. | ||
| Oh, now. | ||
| No, but I'm saying when you were a young man. | ||
| Like, Hartnett was the man. | ||
| He was a heartthrob. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When I was very young, it was JTT. He was on the cover of Tiger Bay. | ||
| Oh, he was cute. | ||
| He was JTT. Good fate. | ||
| He quit the business. | ||
| Jonathan Taylor Thomas. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He fucked everybody. | ||
| Your people got a hold of him. | ||
| If Jason Momoa is in the room, they all have to sit down. | ||
| Ooh, a little too beefy for me. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'm not into it. | ||
| I don't like muscle guys. | ||
| I like a good hard net. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, give me a good hard net. | ||
| You don't like muscle guys. | ||
| Muscle guys. | ||
| I'm like, dude, take it easy. | ||
| Jason Moe with the one in a... | ||
| Take it easy? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| See, who's mine? | ||
| Who's your hot guy? | ||
| Paul Walker was pretty hot. | ||
| But he's kind of girly. | ||
| Nah, that's why I want to fuck him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's pretty. | |
| He's pretty. | ||
| Look at that pretty face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at those lips. | |
| You just stopped one quarter of the way through a beer. | ||
| You talking about girly? | ||
| The fuck you talking about? | ||
| He looks like a flat-chested lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro, that was 1947. Pull up Paul Walker. | |
| That was 1947. Dudes were going over there and running up on the beach. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To get gunned down. | ||
| Beginning of Saving Private Ryan. | ||
| Just keep sending troops, eventually we'll get to those turrets. | ||
| Jesus Christ, man. | ||
| Imagine requiring any of that from a 20-year-old kid today. | ||
| Requiring that from any of us, we would all go, for real, no. | ||
| For real, no. | ||
| I'll just leave. | ||
| You're going to have to kill me here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll just leave. | |
| No way. | ||
| Well, just the U-boat, seeing that Omaha Beach, and just seeing everybody get mowed down, you've got to go towards it. | ||
| That whole ship right there, and then the thing opens and they'll just... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guys were getting gunned down as the thing dropped. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| Isn't a U-boat a submarine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those things, those fucking landers are something different, but I thought they were U-boats too. | ||
| How many American soldiers died in the Battle of Normandy? | ||
| How many American soldiers died? | ||
| Thousands and thousands. | ||
| I'm going to guess. | ||
| I mean, yeah, like 4,000. | ||
| 12,000. | ||
| More than that. | ||
| It's way less. | ||
| It's way less. | ||
| It's like two or three? | ||
| That's a U-boat. | ||
| That's a U-boat. | ||
| So what do they call those? | ||
| Those are Hueys? | ||
| No, it wasn't a U-boat. | ||
| So that was in World War II? Yeah, how many people died on Omaha Beach? | ||
| That's what the submarines looked like in World War II? Yeah, probably way less. | ||
| Probably like 1,800. | ||
| Bro, how did they get rid of their shit? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Dumping? | ||
| Mental? | ||
| They got a little torpedo chamber. | ||
| They shot a torpedo shit out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 2,400. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Oh, get rid of their legs? | ||
| Close to 9-11 was Omaha. | ||
| America suffered 2,400 casualties. | ||
| Out of 3,400 people. | ||
| 34,000 Allied troops landed by nightfall. | ||
| That's just casualties, too. | ||
| That's not even death. | ||
| Sounds kind of nice. | ||
| Casual. | ||
| So, 34,000 of them made it. | ||
| 2,500. | ||
| That's pretty good odds. | ||
| Oh, D-Day itself. | ||
| Yeah, that was landings and shit. | ||
| Man! | ||
| 4,400 Allied troops were killed on D-Day itself. | ||
| Including 2,501 Americans. | ||
| Check out the Battle of Kursk, see how many people died. | ||
| Oh, this is fucking the downer section of the night. | ||
| Bong and beers talking Kursk. | ||
| Mark Normandy. | ||
| See how many tanks died? | ||
| How many fine machines? | ||
| If you go back to it. | ||
| You check out Kursk? | ||
| Pretty wild, huh? | ||
| 800,000 Soviets! | ||
| A million people? | ||
| What? | ||
| The Red Army defenses held firm, but at a great cost of life. | ||
| All those specific numbers are still debated amongst historians. | ||
| It's estimated the Battle of Kursk caused around 800,000 Soviet casualties and 200,000 German casualties. | ||
| I think they lost more tanks than we lost people. | ||
| At Normandy. | ||
| Hey, alright, America. | ||
| 800,000 Soviet casualties. | ||
| How many troops do you have where you're like, these are assets, we can lose about this many of them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a lot of Russians. | ||
| 800,000! | ||
| How many people were in the country at the time? | ||
| They saved us. | ||
| The Russians helped the war. | ||
| The Russians won the war, dude. | ||
| They lost 20 million people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| We lost 600,000. | ||
| That's why Khabib's so tough. | ||
| You ever see how big that place is on a map? | ||
| This sounds like you don't want Ukraine to win. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| Hey. | ||
| That's what it sounds like to me. | ||
| I would love for Ukraine to win. | ||
| I don't like what you're doing with your glasses. | ||
| It makes me trust you less. | ||
| I love Zolinski. | ||
| I want Ukraine to win, but I'll tell you what, Joe. | ||
| If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| I don't know what that was, but I loved it. | ||
| It's been going on pretty long though, huh? | ||
| You didn't expect it to go on this long. | ||
| What? | ||
| We got a lot of money. | ||
| Ukraine. | ||
| We can keep that thing going as long as we want. | ||
| It seemed like it'd be over in three weeks. | ||
| It's like an Aerosmith song, bro. | ||
| It's like a Judd Apatow movie. | ||
| It won't end. | ||
| We can keep it going. | ||
| We lost Maui, I'll tell you that. | ||
| Bro, they're making money. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| There's no money in Mauer. | ||
| Tell you what, they got my Airbnb. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Those fuckers. | ||
| That space laser shot down my Airbnb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Uncle laser. | ||
| I was going to Lahaina. | ||
| I was trying to go. | ||
| This is very... | ||
| I know, for real, obviously, it's horrific what happened, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Firefest, too. | |
| That's why they should have had Burning Man. | ||
| All right, keep going. | ||
| Me and my friend growing up, his name's Jared. | ||
| Shout out, Jared. | ||
| We always wanted to go to the Maui Invitational, the college basketball tournament every year. | ||
| Up South City. | ||
| And... | ||
| So this year I finally had enough money to be like, yo, we're doing it, bro. | ||
| We're going to Maui. | ||
| And I got a sick-ass house in Lahaina. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| We already know the ending of the show. | ||
| Sure enough, they used a space laser and fucking ruined it. | ||
| Is that what the rumor is? | ||
| Uncle Space Laser. | ||
| Did you get your deposit back? | ||
| I'm still trying to do it. | ||
| Do you get your deposit back? | ||
| I did get my deposit back. | ||
| I was not gonna ask. | ||
| They just gave it. | ||
| I was not gonna ask for the deposit back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you been to Maui? | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| I heard it's the best place on earth. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It's the best place. | ||
| Norman and I were there together. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Black Rock Beach, now Blacker. | ||
| There's wild conspiracy theories about what caused the- Really? | ||
| Everything. | ||
| This is a fire. | ||
| This is clearly a fire with a hurricane off the coast with wind. | ||
| Well, it's also this video of the power lines going down. | ||
| PG&E, these fucking cunts, never do any repairs. | ||
| I have no idea what their resources are, right? | ||
| I would imagine they're probably depleted after COVID like everybody else is, especially a place that relies entirely on people to show up. | ||
| You know, like, for tourism, what percentage is that of Maui's economy? | ||
| 98. It has to be massive, right? | ||
| No way. | ||
| The start of fire was caught on camera? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Today's show, YouTube channel. | ||
| Of course it was a white freak. | ||
| It's a possible cause of first fire. | ||
| Okay, so wind took the power lines down. | ||
| It shouldn't be that easy. | ||
| To take a power line down. | ||
| Yeah, they get wind on Maui. | ||
| Hurricane wind. | ||
| Is hurricane wind. | ||
| Yeah, but they're ready for that. | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| They don't get hurricanes that much. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They don't? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's very lush. | ||
| That's why it doesn't have much. | ||
| What do they get? | ||
| What's a big storm for them? | ||
| Because they get crazy storms. | ||
| Pearl Harbor? | ||
| So Hurricane is straight to fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| They do get hit with the Pearl Harbor. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Pearl Harbor was probably around those casualties, too. | ||
| Yeah, that was up there. | ||
| 9-11, D-Day, and Pearl Harbor. | ||
| All very, very similar amount of casualties. | ||
| Best fist fight I ever saw was at Maui Fest. | ||
| We went to. | ||
| Who was fighting? | ||
| It was like a Maui, Hawaiian guy. | ||
| Tough as shit. | ||
| Those guys are scary as hell. | ||
| And then like a white guy who obviously had training. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they just went at it in a bar and it was crazy. | ||
| It was like a movie. | ||
| Dude's actually fighting is crazy. | ||
| Crazy! | ||
| A real fight is like dudes wrestling and be like... | ||
| If you're in Hawaii, there's a real good chance a lot of the guys that you're gonna run into at a bar know how to fight. | ||
| It's a real good chance. | ||
| BJ Penn and Max Holloway, two of the greatest of all time. | ||
| Two of the greatest of all time greats. | ||
| Also one of the greatest fan bases. | ||
| There's always fights in the stands at UFC when a Hawaiian fights. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's just standard. | ||
| It's like two to one. | ||
| Well, they're living on an island. | ||
| And they hate Whitey. | ||
| But they're just out there like, let's go. | ||
| I think they hate douchey whitey. | ||
| They hate the douchey whitey that comes in and fucks with their way of life. | ||
| Guilty. | ||
| They hate whitey. | ||
| I don't think they hate whitey. | ||
| Everybody, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| There's tension over there, man. | ||
| If you fucking move in and buy their land... | ||
| And build a fucking Dave and Buster's. | ||
| They have a small amount of land. | ||
| Imagine what it's like if you're out of an island and people start just buying up chunks of your island. | ||
| And one fucking internet guy has a whole island. | ||
| None of you can come, just me. | ||
| What a baller move! | ||
| What a baller move! | ||
| But you know everybody can go. | ||
| There's four seasons on it. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Wait, he just owns like 80% of it? | ||
| No, he owns the whole fucking island, bro, but you could stay on his island. | ||
| It's a catch-22. | ||
| That guy's a fucking bitch. | ||
| No, no, no, Larry Ellison. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy's a bitch. | |
| Let no one on if you're a fucking man. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| If he was a real man, he wouldn't let up Four Seasons there. | ||
| It's a big island, Ari. | ||
| Nah, get up, get up, get up. | ||
| It's tourism. | ||
| They've got to have a Four Seasons. | ||
| I mean, that's a catch-22 because they hate all the whitey coming in, but they also bring in more whitey who spend money. | ||
| So what do you do here? | ||
| It's like slavery. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know where you went with that. | ||
| Well, it's a tough one, because, you know, slavery's horrible, but... | ||
| We got a lot of sugar. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| You know, slavery sucked, but we sure did get a lot of sugar and coffee. | ||
| And cotton. | ||
| Jesus, boys. | ||
| No, no, I was being... | ||
| I was joking, because... | ||
| Same. | ||
| The joke was that sugar and coffee is not worth the human... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Coffee. | |
| That was the joke. | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| Coffee's pretty good. | ||
| The problem is if you're too fucked up to hear the begettings of jokes, you're like, wait, what? | ||
| You're like, no, I'm not fucking this up. | ||
| I would just like to explain this for any, with a more critical eye. | ||
| Maui, wowi. | ||
| Alright, alright. | ||
| Let's get it back together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, alright. | |
| Sorry, folks. | ||
| Hey, the Irish were slaves. | ||
| And the, uh, the Jews... | ||
| Pyramid. | ||
| Barely, dude. | ||
| Apparently there's more slaves today than there ever was when slavery was legal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've heard that. | |
| Yeah, and the Uyghurs. | ||
| Well, what's happening with those folks? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I hate Uyghurs. | ||
| We don't even know what's going on in Ukraine. | ||
| See, he did it too. | ||
| We don't know shit. | ||
| A lot of Nazis out there, too. | ||
| How could you know? | ||
| A lot of white supremacists. | ||
| I think we should be trying to know. | ||
| Who's the one guy that had a Nazi tattoo and he had his sleeve covered when he received an award? | ||
| Zelensky. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He's the guy who played the piano with his dick. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know this guy. | ||
| No. | ||
| Zelensky? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| That was Zelensky? | ||
| Yeah, when he was a comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, really? | ||
| He did all the single ladies dance. | ||
| Zelensky was a comic, and he played the piano with his dick. | ||
| He was a pianist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What was the other guy I was asking about? | ||
| What was the other guy I was asking about? | ||
| The guy with the swastika? | ||
| Yeah, some guy. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| So some guy received some award. | ||
| In a cupboard? | ||
| I want to say an actor gave it to him. | ||
| I forget who gave it to him. | ||
| Was it Adolf Hitler for killing most Jews? | ||
| When he was receiving his award, he had a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The winner of this year's Killing Most Years Award. | |
| No surprise here, everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A landslide repeat from 1943. What did they name before him? | |
| Stalin? | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| I think the award was something they gave him at the beginning of the invasion, where everybody was on Ukraine's side. | ||
| Hey, Stuart! | ||
| Ukrainian Nazis were invited to Disney World by the Pentagon. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| 2022 DoD Warrior Games. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Liberal comedian Jon Stewart even honored a former hardcore Azov militant for his personal example. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot more they're not sharing the story. | ||
| But this is the guy. | ||
| So that guy has this tattoo on his elbow. | ||
| And so he had it covered when he was receiving his award. | ||
| That's not a swastika tattoo, that's a dream catcher. | ||
| You don't see too many assies with fucking stuffed animals. | ||
| He's a hippie. | ||
| That's pretty fun. | ||
| It's cute. | ||
| That's a hippie. | ||
| He's holding a fucking Mickey Mouse. | ||
| That's made by Walt Disney. | ||
| It balances it out. | ||
| How do we know that's not photoshopped? | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| How do we know that's not Photoshop? | ||
| There's no Mickey Mouse. | ||
| That would be a good way if I was a conspiracy theorist. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I would say I'd like to see the original photo, please. | ||
| Oh, hey guys. | ||
| Because that's a little convenient. | ||
| This guy's got teddy bears and also he's a Nazi. | ||
| One of those two are Photoshopped in. | ||
| Something's wrong. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Something's wrong. | ||
| Isn't it funny? | ||
| We sided with the Russians to defeat the Nazis. | ||
| Now we're siding with the Nazis to defeat the Russians. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So when he receives his award, he's got his left arm covered. | ||
| Is that a cast? | ||
| Yeah, it does look like a cast. | ||
| Somebody tried to bring his arm because they thought it was a Nazi thing and it wasn't. | ||
| It might be he's just like really into designs. | ||
| It looks bionic. | ||
| It is Arabic originally. | ||
| Yeah, the swastika. | ||
| I went to this Indian temple. | ||
| There's an Indian temple in Woodland Hills. | ||
| And it has, like, backwards swastikas all over the place. | ||
| I don't buy that that thing's a swastika. | ||
| If that guy's really a swastika guy, he's just fucking making a swastika. | ||
| What's that fucking high-tech design he has? | ||
| That's not a swastika. | ||
| That's not a Nazi thing. | ||
| He covered over it. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's a misinterpretation of what the first thing is. | ||
| Maybe he's just worried about the interpretation of it. | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Because it's like, just get a swastika. | ||
| But those guys, those Azov guys... | ||
| What he got was, like, electric, that guy. | ||
| No, the Azov-Badakafeller Center? | ||
| Yeah, they ended up covering it up eventually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that! | |
| Found on piping and valves during construction projects at the state capitol. | ||
| It's the opposite way, right? | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| Why are you confused by that? | ||
| They bought piping from Nazi Germany. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, they were making steel. | ||
| Well, that's why they're confused by that. | ||
| Before they did all the bad things, they were making some cool shit. | ||
| Yeah, Mercedes. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| It isn't German, but... | ||
| Volkswagen? | ||
| Oh, it's not even German? | ||
| No, that's... | ||
| Wrong. | ||
| Wrong, though. | ||
| Somebody's just playing a little joke. | ||
| Bro, he's an apologist. | ||
| Sounds like he's a little bit of a Hitler apologist. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| They were making steel! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the problem? | |
| It's American-made, according to this. | ||
| Oh my god, it's American-made, and someone put a Nazi... | ||
| But it is the symbol for good luck, so it was... | ||
| Yeah, it's the Hindu one. | ||
| It's before that even, 1920s. | ||
| According to Abe's story-rama. | ||
| So this is in the 1920s? | ||
| A best-dis-orama. | ||
| That's so wild! | ||
| I don't know about this guy. | ||
| Imagine if you had all your stock in swastikas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, guys, it's a symbol of good luck! | |
| What could go wrong?! | ||
| I got the copyright! | ||
| I fucking mortgaged my house! | ||
| I don't have to tell you, buddy. | ||
| It's like Corona during COVID. Stocks are going down. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Guys, guys, guys, you don't understand. | ||
| I own the swastika. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did nothing wrong, but it's over. | |
| It's like when Meryl Streep was like, Harvey's the greatest. | ||
| It's fucking good luck, guys. | ||
| You can't make it killing the Jews. | ||
| It's good luck. | ||
| It's so funny to just be like, you're never going to believe this. | ||
| The worst fucking thing that's ever happened to people. | ||
| That symbol you like and invested in? | ||
| And that's your symbol and you put it on your pipes. | ||
| Turns out the worst guy ever. | ||
| And then, like, ten years later, like, people are doing construction on houses and they know that you put these pipes in and there's swastikas on it. | ||
| Like, hey, Mike, what the fuck is this? | ||
| And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, back then the swastika was good luck, guys! | ||
| Guys! | ||
| Guys! | ||
| Back then, it was good luck! | ||
| Those were the same people who got beat up during 9-11. | ||
| Not even us! | ||
| Here's the other thing. | ||
| Back then, how the fuck would you know if it was a symbol for good luck? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Get a book? | ||
| You're not going to believe this asshole! | ||
| Where am I going to get a book? | ||
| Where am I going to get a book in 1947 on what the fucking original meaning of the swastika? | ||
| It's called Mein Kampf. | ||
| How much digging do I have to do? | ||
| How much digging do I have to do to find out the truth? | ||
| No Google. | ||
| In 1947, you're fucked. | ||
| That symbol had thousands of years. | ||
| The swastika Germans had like eight. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's a good graphic design. | ||
| What a run! | ||
| It used to be a fucking thing that some Shotokan karate guys would have on their geese. | ||
| Pull it up, J-Mo. | ||
| Because it was like a Shotokan symbol. | ||
| Shotokan. | ||
| I don't know what... | ||
| Shotokan. | ||
| I think it existed in many different cultures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so, too. | |
| It's the sickest fucking symbol of this. | ||
| It's a great design. | ||
| It's on every motorcycle in Indonesia. | ||
| It's everywhere. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| You're just like, what the fuck? | ||
| But you don't know which way it's facing. | ||
| In your mind, when you picture a swastika, you're like, I don't know. | ||
| Which way is it supposed to go? | ||
| That would be a little alarming for you, yeah. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Look how many of them there were. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So, Germans is right to left. | ||
| We're back here. | ||
| On top, right to left. | ||
| Okay, right to left at the angle? | ||
| Yeah, we do talk a lot about... | ||
| So the German one, that's the German one, right? | ||
| So that's the good luck. | ||
| Left to right. | ||
| No, wait. | ||
| Right... | ||
| Yeah, I know, but who's doing that counting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Left to right on the top. | |
| You know what's really bizarre? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You 100% see those kind of things when you're tripping. | ||
| You don't see them like that. | ||
| Take mushrooms and see swastikas? | ||
| You don't see that. | ||
| You see infinite versions of that with squares and boxes and tubes and shit, but you see those kind of swirling, moving, geometric patterns. | ||
| It's funny they don't have German on there. | ||
| I wonder if the origin of that was people tripping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| I wonder if the origin of that was someone eating mushrooms and seeing these wild, crazy patterns and saying, oh, that's good luck. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Wait, could you go back to the Hindu one? | ||
| Oh, that guy's hilarious. | ||
| Dude, that's so crazy. | ||
| The one that said Hindu? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Star David Swastika? | ||
| Because I've never seen a swastika. | ||
| Wow, it's facing the right way. | ||
| I've never seen a swastika while I'm tripping, but I've seen the geometric patterns like that. | ||
| I would certainly see how someone who had tripped before would think of that as a representation of what you see when you're tripping. | ||
| And why did those ones never go the other way? | ||
| Don't click it Jamie. | ||
| Because you know what it seems like it's it seems like it's got motion to it. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And that's like what you when you experience like when you're tripping and you experience like whatever the fuck you're seeing. | ||
| They're not static. | ||
| Right, they move. | ||
| They're constantly moving and rotating. | ||
| And that looks like, if I was going to have a two-dimensional drawing of something you could see where you're tripping balls, that's what it looks like. | ||
| And that's what it was. | ||
| It was a good luck thing for thousands of years. | ||
| And the fucking Nazis just took it over. | ||
| That was the second worst thing they did. | ||
| Second worst thing they did! | ||
| And also... | ||
| The crazy thing is how good they were at engineering. | ||
| How good their fucking cars were. | ||
| Oh, they're very efficient. | ||
| How good their engines were. | ||
| They suck, dude. | ||
| Fuck Germany. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be in Berlin in one week. | |
| Bro, they did some wild shit. | ||
| They got rowdy. | ||
| Look at this building in San Diego. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh my god, it's a swastika building. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| No. | ||
| That's the right way. | ||
| But that's the correct way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guy went, son of a bitch. | |
| Still got a Jewish landlord. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ! | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| We used to live in the Lower East Side, me and my ex-girlfriend, and the Jews, they owned the building, I'm talking Hasidic, and he would come in to fix something. | ||
| They have a tool belt. | ||
| It's so weird to see a rabbi with a beard like that, a yarmulke, the tassels, and a tool belt, and he would fix your plumbing, but he couldn't look at the girl. | ||
| He wouldn't look at her. | ||
| That's sick. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| That's very nice. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's the type of tool guy you want. | ||
| You don't want some fucking jacked hot guy coming in. | ||
| Oh, good points. | ||
| I'm Josh Hartman. | ||
| And you're sitting there like a pussy where you're like, I don't know how to fix a shelf. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Some jacked guy comes in and fixes it. | ||
| He's like, that took five seconds. | ||
| But the pipe's got a swastika on it. | ||
| And he tosses in a swastika pipe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I gotta replace these pipes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're old or something. | |
| Guys, guys, guys, this is my business. | ||
| This is my family business. | ||
| It's all fun and games for you. | ||
| But I own the swastika. | ||
| It's good luck, guys. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| It's good luck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a fad. | |
| This fad's going to pass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look, it was good luck for thousands and thousands and thousands of years. | |
| It faces slightly differently. | ||
| You really think that the Nazis are going to ruin forever? | ||
| I'm telling you guys. | ||
| I am very big on the swastika. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a fad. | |
| It's coming back. | ||
| That'd be like if the horseshoe all of a sudden became the symbol for killing Muslims or something. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| It's that game they play now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Right. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Things like that do happen. | ||
| I mean, rainbows used to mean leprechauns. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It used to mean pots of gold! | ||
| Now it means sucking another guy's ass. | ||
| Let me cum in your butt and then suck it out of your butt. | ||
| And that means rainbow. | ||
| Anytime I see a rainbow, I think about sucking a guy's fucking dick and nuts. | ||
| So much of my cum or someone else's cum in your butt that I could suck out. | ||
| Guys, I don't think that. | ||
| I think pride. | ||
| Well, remember, pride used to mean something else. | ||
| Pride was like, we have pride in your river. | ||
| I think I'm the best at sucking out of... | ||
| I'm the proudest I am. | ||
| But doesn't the Bible say you shouldn't have pride? | ||
| Yeah, it's a sin. | ||
| Yeah, so there you go. | ||
| You can have it. | ||
| Pride's a sin. | ||
| It's in the Bible. | ||
| Top seven. | ||
| Maybe that's how everybody got confused and thought that you shouldn't be gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't be so proud of your pecks and shit. | |
| Don't be so proud of your great life, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That fucking... | |
| That Norm Macdonald joke about that is so good. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| The pride about he's like... | ||
| Oh, I love that joke. | ||
| Ah, McCluskey, old dog. | ||
| He's like some guy working at a factory. | ||
| He's like, here's my son. | ||
| He graduated. | ||
| He's the first of the McCluskeys to graduate from college. | ||
| He's one of the... | ||
| He's like, here he is sucking a guy's dick. | ||
| That's what I'm most proud about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anyway. | |
| Oh, when he was on Dennis Miller. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I saw in it there were these old men and old ladies with these signs that said, we are proud of our gay son. | |
| That's an odd thing to be proud of, you know, because it's not an achievement, you know? | ||
| It's not like something you work all your life to be gay or anything like that. | ||
| It's a great point. | ||
| Real good point. | ||
| Oh my God, we're proud of him, Johnny. | ||
| He graduated from Harvard, you know, and now he's articling over at a law firm and, oh yeah, he loves cock. | ||
| Watch Dennis Miller. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's a great bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He loves cock. | |
| Did you ever see him do the one about the, More black people, it means more crime. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| It's a radio show. | ||
| The poor people commit crime. | ||
| The lady's like, no they don't. | ||
| I was like, wait, what? | ||
| Oh, you gotta show that one. | ||
| They call in. | ||
| They're like, no, we are poor. | ||
| No, we're poor. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Because the lady keeps calling them a racist. | ||
| And he goes, wait, are you saying black people are richer than white people? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they're like, no. | ||
| I'm like, well then what? | ||
| What was this on? | ||
| It was on a radio show. | ||
| It was like a morning radio show when you had to do that to sell out a club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| He's just making intentionally combative points that are correct. | ||
| He's like the original Ben Shapiro. | ||
| That's when he had the teachers. | ||
| Don't put that on, Norm. | ||
| Don't put that on, Norm. | ||
| He's like, I got these people riled up. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| No, he was being funny. | ||
| He also said, teachers aren't heroes. | ||
| He's like, they're not heroes. | ||
| This is the tallest guy in the room. | ||
| Heroes? | ||
| Well, you teach people how to color? | ||
| Firemen are heroes. | ||
| That's such a great line! | ||
| The Louie joke about teachers is so good. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Just like, you are a fucking loser! | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| You go up to a building and they're like, yeah, you've got to teach all these kids math. | ||
| He's like, oh, do they want to learn about math? | ||
| It's like, none of them are. | ||
| It's like, wait, well, which kids is it? | ||
| It's just like, whoever's closest to the building, we're going to bring all the kids in. | ||
| I don't remember that one. | ||
| Yeah, I think it was 2017. Oh, my God. | ||
| I'm open for that. | ||
| That was a great one. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You're open for that? | ||
| If you see the beginning, I'm hugging him and Joe Lister. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Teach them. | |
| This is at the Daughters of the American Revolution in D.C. He is the worst I don't recommend clapping at anything. | ||
| You'll regret it at the end of the thing. | ||
| In a democracy, there's no more noble contribution you can make than to teach in a public school. | ||
| And in this country, the people that do that, they're fucking losers. | ||
| I am just rock bottom fucking loser! | ||
| There's more, there's more. | ||
| I'll tell you what's crazy about that. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's like, I know I'm going, guys, guys, oh my god, please stop. | ||
| Please stop, stop. | ||
| I'm going so dark with it. | ||
| This is 2017, pre-cancel, obviously, and me and Joe Liss would run out to do an open mic, and Louis would go with us. | ||
| Do open mics? | ||
| Yeah, just do an open mic at like a bar in D.C. That's cool. | ||
| He's a psycho. | ||
| Oh, after your show? | ||
| After filming a Netflix thing, you'd be like, where are you guys going? | ||
| I know where it was. | ||
| Big Hunt. | ||
| Big Hunt was a good open mic. | ||
| Big Hunt was good. | ||
| And people went apeshit when he walked in, obviously. | ||
| Obviously, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| But then you go out to eat with Louie, and you watch him eat, and you're like, oh, man. | ||
| You were, like, my hero. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What was the problem? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| He's a bad eater. | ||
| I went to a Yankee game with him. | ||
| We got, like, sweet tickets or something, and it was just all-you-can-eat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, sorry, sorry. | |
| But he goes, hey man, you're about to be grossed out by this. | ||
| Oh, he knew it? | ||
| Yeah, he was like, it's free burgers. | ||
| I'm just telling you now. | ||
| It's going to be disgusting for you. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| His sweater gets ruined. | ||
| That guy can munch. | ||
| He can munch. | ||
| Please jerk off. | ||
| As a Jew, I was like, no, dude! | ||
| It's all over the fucking beard and the shirt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| He needs a lobster bib. | ||
| Dude, I saw him one time in the cellar, and he was doing whatever, and he just stops, and there's crumbs on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just goes, the fuck's wrong with you? | |
| There's crumbs on you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a brilliant guy, but you're like, oh, wow. | |
| You're just like us. | ||
| Yeah, those smart guys. | ||
| Those real brilliant guys. | ||
| They always have fucking crumbs on them. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something's up! | |
| Something's up! | ||
| I'm trying to wipe myself off after a meal. | ||
| Yeah, the Venn diagram of people with crumbs on them. | ||
| It's like the dumbest people on earth. | ||
| They got a wicked booger or something. | ||
| The smartest guys I know are always fucking disgusting. | ||
| I'm sure Einstein had skid marks and shit. | ||
| Einstein was disgusting. | ||
| Some guy at fucking Einstein's dining hall was like, that guy fucking sucks. | ||
| I bet my life Einstein had horrible breath. | ||
| Imagine a scientist that looked like James Franco. | ||
| No way. | ||
| It doesn't exist. | ||
| Dress is slick. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Punch him in the belly. | ||
| You're not going to listen to it anyway. | ||
| You want a dude with fucked up hair. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| He smoked cigarette butts he picked off the street, son. | ||
| See? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that! | |
| There you go! | ||
| We called it! | ||
| We called it! | ||
| Bro! | ||
| That motherfucker picked cigarette butts off the street and smoked them. | ||
| He looks like a community college walk-on. | ||
| Well, it's like brilliant guys always have a, like, Norm Macdonald couldn't drive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right! | |
| You know, like, they always have something missing. | ||
| That's why they're so smart, because they're not using that brain power for other shit. | ||
| I heard Norm used to ask people to go play tennis if they had cars, and on the way home from tennis, he'd be like, we should stop at the supermarket. | ||
| You ever go to Nick Mullins' apartment? | ||
| He's got a fucking squat rack and a fake race car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect example. | |
| He's the smartest guy I've ever had. | ||
| I don't know how to do anything. | ||
| Metzger never had a license. | ||
| Metzger's a fucking retard. | ||
| Retarded. | ||
| He's one of the quickest one-liner guys ever. | ||
| And retarded! | ||
| It's crazy! | ||
| Genius level comedic brain. | ||
| Him and Jimmy Dore are a perfect combination. | ||
| You watch those videos they do together? | ||
| Kurt just kind of sits on the side, just chimes in, talks shit. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| But he said that show's kind of fucked him up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He goes, before that, I never really considered how many of these things were real conspiracies that are real. | ||
| Like, how many different things... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| That's a bummer. | ||
| That's a bummer. | ||
| It's kind of a freakout. | ||
| It's better to not know. | ||
| Yeah, because if you're bliss-free, ignorant, just running around, having a good time, living your life, same result kind of happens. | ||
| It's the exact same. | ||
| For the most part. | ||
| You're not going to shut down the CIA. And you're like, oh, fuck. | ||
| There's a period you go through where you're like, oh shit, I realize it's wrong. | ||
| And then you get over that and you're like, it'll never change. | ||
| Goodbye, I'm going to have a good time. | ||
| Yeah, like Nate Bregazzi. | ||
| Killer comedian. | ||
| He's in the third stage. | ||
| But he thinks dinosaurs and people were hanging out. | ||
| Whoa, is that real? | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| He's got a bit about it. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| He really believes that? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He may as well. | ||
| He goes, I know this is lame, but I don't believe dinosaurs are real. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I guess that it's a joke, that's why I'm saying it, but I actually don't believe it. | ||
| He doesn't believe it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I've talked to multiple people who don't believe dinosaurs are real. | |
| Neil deGrasse Tyson thinks gay is a choice. | ||
| What? | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| It's because he decided not to. | ||
| He's clearly gay. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Bro, we're not allowed to talk about sexuality? | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| There's nothing bad about being gay, so I can call people gay. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, you must be a bigot if you think that that's bad. | |
| Listen, I'll do better. | ||
| I'm going to do better. | ||
| I'm going to do better. | ||
| Joe, this is a fucking learning moment. | ||
| This is a teaching moment. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| If I called Neil deGrasse Tyson a big fucking gay guy... | ||
| It's a compliment. | ||
| That doesn't matter. | ||
| What do they think dinosaurs are? | ||
| Kneel to ass. | ||
| The people that find dinosaur bones. | ||
| What do they think they are? | ||
| Test from God. | ||
| They think they're fucking fake bullshit from Jesus. | ||
| A misprint from God to sway you off the path. | ||
| Big dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You guys hid that. | ||
| We hid that shit. | ||
| Didn't Bill Hicks have a bit about that? | ||
| What about dinosaurs? | ||
| Like that God was fucking with us? | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| I think there was a bit like that. | ||
| Fact check. | ||
| Dinosaurs are real. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| That's a good fact check. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good fact check. | |
| Oh, journalists, that you wanted to fucking believe in something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son of a bitch. | |
| That's a good story you wrote. | ||
| Bro, I know people who have been on ranches when they found dinosaur bones. | ||
| Come on, that's a big fucking dog. | ||
| Why is the rancher Irish? | ||
| This dude in Montana. | ||
| This dude in Montana, they found... | ||
| Dinosaur hoax. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sick. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| The dinosaur hoax. | ||
| Dude, that's a horse. | ||
| Dinosaur hoax. | ||
| Apparently there was some hoaxing going on by people that were claiming to have found dinosaur bones, but the hoax is not that dinosaur bones are real. | ||
| Because there's a bunch of shysters throughout history. | ||
| You said all dinosaur bones are replicas from China. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| Do you know birds are fake? | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| Do you know birds are fake? | ||
| Do you know the new one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Helen Keller wasn't deaf or mute. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| She's just playing dumb. | ||
| She's just playing dumb. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| That's the new one. | ||
| Helen Keller's the lie. | ||
| So is Anne Frank. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anne Frank? | |
| No, they don't do that. | ||
| Oh, there's got to be someone out there that's an Anne Frank non-believer. | ||
| There's got to be. | ||
| Let's be Frank. | ||
| There's got to be an Anne Frank. | ||
| There's got to be Jewish propaganda. | ||
| Anne Frank is not real. | ||
| No, there's got to be. | ||
| Helen Keller really... | ||
| Oh, it's a TikTok thing. | ||
| Troubling TikTok conspiracy theory. | ||
| Questions whether Keller was real. | ||
| She lived a long life. | ||
| She was real. | ||
| She's hotter than most hookers I've fucked. | ||
| Oh, what? | ||
| And smarter. | ||
| Wait, Helen Keller was alive in 54? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Helen Keller didn't hear Elvis? | ||
| So this is just some wild TikTok shit. | ||
| Is that what this is? | ||
| She's a terrorist. | ||
| What? | ||
| She's a terrorist? | ||
| Helen Keller is the Nazi guy. | ||
| She's a terrorist. | ||
| Helen Keller was the blind and deaf person who was fake. | ||
| These are the comments that were on the video. | ||
| These are the comments? | ||
| Here's a real thing about Helen Keller. | ||
| She thought retarded people should be put down. | ||
| That's not even fake. | ||
| Wait, really? | ||
| How do we even know that she thought that? | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| She thought retarded people were like, an abomination should be put down. | ||
| But imagine if Helen Keller's caretaker was someone like you. | ||
| Who gets into people's emails and sends fake emails. | ||
| Helen Keller said that. | ||
| Why don't you imagine? | ||
| Some caretaker's like, you guys are heaping all this praise on her, but let me tell you what she thinks about people with Down Syndrome. | ||
| She's actually a Nazi. | ||
| Then you drugged her and killed Kobe. | ||
| She's that Nazi terrorist guy. | ||
| She's a Nazi terrorist guy. | ||
| She's literally deaf and dumb. | ||
| Literally, what is the fucking... | ||
| He's going again. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Now this one's funnier. | ||
| Hey, we're back! | ||
| That one's funny. | ||
| That one sounded like you stepped on a frog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I should have a toadstool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| Toadstool. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Guys, I got a good story for you. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| We got a story! | ||
| This is very funny. | ||
| So I was at Notre Dame, er, Notre Dame Navy this last week in Dublin. | ||
| You a hunchback? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I am a fucking hunchback. | ||
| That's why it worked. | ||
| You just got back from England? | ||
| From Ireland? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Anyway, the first night we're down there. | ||
| We did a show Thursday. | ||
| I brought my father, which was very funny, to see. | ||
| So this guy comes down. | ||
| Phil's down there. | ||
| Phil? | ||
| We go to this bar with Brady Quinn. | ||
| He's one of the Notre Dame all-time legends. | ||
| J-Mo knows him. | ||
| I know him. | ||
| J-Mo! | ||
| You know Brady Quinn. | ||
| He's Dublin, Ohio, boy. | ||
| Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| Yeah, let's go. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Buckeye. | ||
| We're at this bar. | ||
| We're drinking after the show. | ||
| This fucking Irish kid shows up. | ||
| He is Conor McGregor. | ||
| Skin tight pants, fucking button down, no offense to him, coked out of his mind. | ||
| You've never seen someone this high in your life. | ||
| So we're sitting there drinking, he swipes all the beers off the corner of the bar, reaches over Brady Quinn's shoulder, and to me, he's like, big fucking fan man! | ||
| And I was like, oh, thanks, man. | ||
| And Brady Quinn just gave one of these, like, fucking, who the fuck's this guy? | ||
| Damn, this guy's crazy. | ||
| And when he did that, he bumped him a little. | ||
| And the guy immediately was like, you don't fucking bump him. | ||
| He started fucking doing his whole UFC thing. | ||
| So he's spazzing. | ||
| We all have to break it up. | ||
| We have to break up this fight for 20 fucking minutes. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| I turn around, my father is back there going... | ||
|
unidentified
|
With his fist, he's ready to go. | |
| He's ready to go. | ||
| Phil, what the fuck are you gonna do? | ||
| Alright, Phil! | ||
| Phil tried to fight him too. | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Phil would have died defending Brady Quinn in Dublin. | ||
| Oh, he'd be a hero. | ||
| Vikings death. | ||
| That is how my dad should go. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I mean, that's legend. | ||
| Anyway, so we break this fight up. | ||
| The guy's a fan. | ||
| He's like, ah, let's do a fucking Jager bomb. | ||
| Let's take it easy, man. | ||
| I was like, all right, I'll do a Jager bomb. | ||
| We get shitfaced. | ||
| This guy's on a coke rant for like 15 minutes of just straight like, ah, fucking nah, nah. | ||
| That's Brady Quinn, so you can get it for reference. | ||
| He's a hunk. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| He's a handsome dude. | ||
| This guy's full UFC. He's genuinely an MMA guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| He trains with McGregor. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| He was on cocaine. | ||
| He might have been fabricating. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's Patty Pimbley. | ||
| But you know how these guys go. | ||
| He just shadow boxes the whole time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're talking to him and he's like, yeah, fucking body shot, body shot, liver, liver, bang, straight to your fucking face. | |
| This guy sounds like a nightmare. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And you can't move. | ||
| You can't flinch to the body because then you'll literally get punched in the fucking face. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then we're like, oh, we're going to get killed. | ||
| And he's like, ah, you're a fucking Nate Diaz guy, aren't you? | ||
| And I was like, no way. | ||
| That's what this is about. | ||
| This guy's going to beat my ass in Dublin for being a Nate Diaz guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Anyway, the whole night, the guy leaves, everything's okay. | ||
| The next night, get done with the shows. | ||
| Brady's in the green room. | ||
| We're all hanging out. | ||
| We're having a good time. | ||
| That fucking Irish guy just walks straight into the green room. | ||
| What? | ||
| Of the theater? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And Brady Quinn looks at me like, why would you invite this guy? | ||
| I would not invite this fucking guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| He walks in, he's like, fucking crazy. | ||
| I was like, dude, this is... | ||
| The whole time, he's still shadowboxing, still bothering everybody. | ||
| In a good way, though. | ||
| At this point, it's fun. | ||
| He's bothering everybody. | ||
| We start walking, we start going to a bar. | ||
| He's like, ah, we'll go to this fucking bar. | ||
| I'm like, dude, all the bars in Dublin close at midnight. | ||
| He's like, nah, this is Dublin. | ||
| This isn't fucking gay New York. | ||
| The bars stay open. | ||
| Every bar we go to is closed. | ||
| I'm like, dude, Dublin sucks. | ||
| New York rules. | ||
| He's like, you know what we don't have in Dublin? | ||
| Fucking pronouns. | ||
| The next three people that walk by us are gay, interracial couples holding hands. | ||
| I was like, that one's gay. | ||
| We finally get to a bar. | ||
| This guy, by the whole time, all he's been doing is trying to fight everybody. | ||
| We get to a bar. | ||
| We start to get to this bar, and he kind of is like, let's go to that bar. | ||
| You're a fucking legend at that bar. | ||
| Let's go to that one, not this one. | ||
| I'm like, let's go. | ||
| We're going to this one. | ||
| So we go into the bar. | ||
| As soon as we start walking in, a bouncer... | ||
| Just a bald, fat bouncer walks out and is like, you. | ||
| Just beats the shit out of the Irish guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This whole time he's been like, I'll fucking knock out anybody. | |
| What? | ||
| He must have had a problem. | ||
| The whole time he was like, let's go to another bar. | ||
| The second we get to this bar, five bouncers swarm and start wailing. | ||
| That's the one he didn't want you to go to. | ||
| He's like, no, no, we're good here. | ||
| Now, this is how cool this fucking guy was. | ||
| He gets his ass beat, he's bloody, he's split open. | ||
| He gets out of all five of them, runs down the alley, and then turns and looks at all of them and goes... | ||
| He squares up and runs off again. | ||
| It was like, damn, that guy ruled. | ||
| Jesus, he probably does that every weekend. | ||
| It's a hell of a drug. | ||
| Anyway, that was the best guy I've ever met in my life. | ||
| That was a Dublin. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It was a Dublin. | ||
| He's like, I fucking run Dublin now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're both gonna have some fucking dudes. | |
| You did Vicker Street? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm doing. | ||
| Vicker Street fucking rules. | ||
| Great venue. | ||
| The Irish crowd is like, they're dickheads. | ||
| They yell out the whole time. | ||
| They're having a good time, though. | ||
| They're fucking funny. | ||
| They're funny people. | ||
| The whole country's funny. | ||
| I met beer on a fucking speaker and it fell off and they go nuts. | ||
| Yeah, they go nuts. | ||
| All you have to do is hit a fucking up the rah. | ||
| Anytime they're giving you an applause break, go up the rah. | ||
| What's that mean? | ||
| Up the IRA. Oh! | ||
| Wow, you're getting political in another country? | ||
| Up the rah in Dublin's fun. | ||
| Up the rah. | ||
| Dude, we went to Belfast. | ||
| Shout out Danny, you're the fucking man. | ||
| Belfast, you know, Northern Ireland for the UFC once, and they had these cars that are covered in like steel plates. | ||
| No way. | ||
| For bombs. | ||
| Is that the cocktail? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what they were doing, like what kind of bombs they were using, but I know that they had armor-plated cars. | ||
| It was wild to see. | ||
| It was wild to see. | ||
| We saw more than one of them. | ||
| It just shows that anybody will fight anybody, any difference. | ||
| It's not racial or anything. | ||
| It's just like, oh, you're a Protestant, I'm Catholic, we'll kill you. | ||
| Well, that was more British then. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That was British still. | ||
| Unite the island. | ||
| School him, please. | ||
| Yeah, that was the British. | ||
| I thought the Irish hated the Irish. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Northern Ireland's still not Ireland. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Still not, yeah. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| It's Dublin is. | ||
| Dublin is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Belfast is still UK. Yeah, Dublin's Ireland. | |
| Remember the door guy's joke about Ireland? | ||
| It was a country where only white Christian Catholics and white Christian Protestants Racism will find a way. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Nah, it's the British. | ||
| It's like the Hutus and the Tutsis. | ||
| We'll find a way to find a way. | ||
| Human beings are always going to find something. | ||
| Republicans and Democrats. | ||
| It goes on and on. | ||
| Non-binary and regular gays. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There's a lot of that going on. | ||
| Yeah, you're not one of us, you're not like us. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of the gay people are like, stop. | ||
| We're famous, we're the number one. | ||
| Like, no, you can't be above us. | ||
| We're number one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And trans women and real women are fighting. | ||
| Or biological women. | ||
| Whoops. | ||
| It's a weird time, kids. | ||
| It's a weird time. | ||
| Yeah, but it's kind of fun. | ||
| Alt comics, if I can, regular real comics are going at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's kind of fun. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The alt comics are dying to laugh. | ||
| There's no more alt comics. | ||
| It's not even that. | ||
| They're done. | ||
| It's just from the grave. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Their whole thing was they made fun of doing stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, now it's like, just do it. | ||
| You can just do it. | ||
| Why don't you try to do it? | ||
| Just try to do it. | ||
| It's kind of cowardly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That whole thing of delivering a joke, dumb, on purpose. | ||
| Can you believe this thing I'm writing and saying? | ||
| Yeah, how about you stand behind it, you queef? | ||
| Queef! | ||
| It's too hard. | ||
| It's too hard, and I have too much plastic in my system. | ||
| They do have small things. | ||
| They do have small things. | ||
| It's proven. | ||
| Old comics have tiny ducks. | ||
| Plastic, and why isn't everyone masked? | ||
| Shit, I'm an old comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put your mask back on, everyone. | |
| Dude, how funny is it? | ||
| All the writers now and the actors are like, oh, there's a strike. | ||
| Let me go back to stand-up. | ||
| And it's like, bitch, you've taken 15 years off. | ||
| Welcome back to the gutter. | ||
| You're not this anymore. | ||
| It's a thing you have to stand up. | ||
| Welcome to hell. | ||
| Oh, it's 18 people on a Tuesday. | ||
| Fuck it, enjoy. | ||
| Yep, we've been here the whole time. | ||
| Yeah, and this is what you have to do, stupid. | ||
| Yeah, but best job in the world. | ||
| It's the greatest. | ||
| There's nothing even second best. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you see that Norm clip, you're like, I want to be that guy. | ||
| Well, it's just the most fun thing to do. | ||
| Because everybody's having fun. | ||
| You're having fun, they're having fun, we're all having fun together doing shows. | ||
| Imagine just being an actor and be like, oh, I think this, but I can't say it. | ||
| Yeah, let me try to find a role that kind of aligns with my views. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And also, whatever, also Marvel. | ||
| It feels like a lot of them are starting to crack a little. | ||
| Yeah, they're starting to crack. | ||
| Like, go bad and, like, crack. | ||
| Like, they're in the wrong environment. | ||
| Meanwhile, going bad is just like, I'm a Republican. | ||
| People are like, oh my god, this guy's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I know, right? | ||
| The goalposts keep moving. | ||
| They do. | ||
| Didn't Jennifer Lawrence just do a speech? | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| Where she said, like, hey, we gotta chill out, this is getting out of hand. | ||
| Damn, she's so hot. | ||
| She's so hot. | ||
| That basically makes her a Nazi. | ||
| That's so hot. | ||
| Damn, Jennifer Lawrence would be the hottest Nazi. | ||
| Can we just chill out? | ||
| It's like, get out of here. | ||
| James Franco could be Hitler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
James Franco could be Hitler. | |
| James Franco is Hitler? | ||
| They would have won. | ||
| Messed up. | ||
| Fucking messed up James Franco. | ||
| Who's playing Stylin'? | ||
| I'd like to see a little Mel Gibson Stylin' action. | ||
| Yeah, he's halfway there. | ||
| Give Stylin' a beard. | ||
| He could pull it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sure. | |
| He could pull it off. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| Who'd be gay as Churchill? | ||
| Mel Gibson. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| Oh yeah, Eva Braun was kinda hot. | ||
| Not kinda, dude. | ||
| That's a good pick, dude. | ||
| She looks like a number one guy in the country and you want that. | ||
| That picture was good. | ||
| She's got a filter on. | ||
| She had filters way back then. | ||
| Eva Braun was fucking made, dude. | ||
| Yeah, the one just to the right of that, the one all the way on the right of that? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| That's the one above that, Jamie? | ||
| The black and yellow one? | ||
| To the right of that one, Jamie. | ||
| To the right of that one, Jamie. | ||
| To the right of that one. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Jamie, you're right. | ||
| All right. | ||
| The next one. | ||
| The next one, Jamie. | ||
| That one. | ||
| That's a weirdo. | ||
| She's partially elf. | ||
| That's when she knew she was gonna die. | ||
| That's like president years. | ||
| Dude, she fucked the number one guy. | ||
| Get that one where he's pissed. | ||
| That's pretty funny. | ||
| Like, the end of World War II years has got to be like president years times 100. Look how scared she is. | ||
| He just heard bad news. | ||
| Yeah, she's literally dating Hitler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just liked his art. | |
| And in the beginning, the parents were probably proud. | ||
| Oh, leader, huh? | ||
| Oh, you're dating the leader. | ||
| Does he have his own sword? | ||
| Very good. | ||
| It is weird that they have to have small talk at dinner, like, oh, cold out. | ||
| Hopefully he will make good decisions for our country. | ||
| Did you feed the dog? | ||
| Average, dude. | ||
| Hitler sucked dick. | ||
| So how was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hot take! | |
| He's running trains. | ||
| Hitler sucks, dude. | ||
| I like how you just take a strong stance. | ||
| It's really important. | ||
| Not just to be funny, but also take a strong stance. | ||
| Look into Hitler, you're going to find out how big of a fucking tool that guy was. | ||
| He only ate vegetables and he farted all the time. | ||
| He was a fucking dork, dude. | ||
| He got what he had coming. | ||
| Another run with farting. | ||
| And he's a painter. | ||
| Yeah, that's about as fucking lame as a good time in society. | ||
| Those dudes kill a lot of people like painting. | ||
| They do. | ||
| Bush really enjoys painting. | ||
| Oh yeah, Jim Carrey. | ||
| Yeah, Johnny Depp. | ||
| Jim Carrey! | ||
| That's the drip, though. | ||
| Hit one of those cool as shit there. | ||
| That's a pretty bad outfit. | ||
| That's a not bad outfit at all. | ||
| That's pretty fucking cool. | ||
| That was before the shit hit the fan. | ||
| Right now he's just starting to use liquid cocaine intravenously. | ||
| He's just starting to plot his future. | ||
| He was like, some of these Jews are good tailors. | ||
| One ball. | ||
| One nut. | ||
| He only had one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| Kickboxing? | ||
| Like Duncan. | ||
| Same birthday! | ||
| No. | ||
| Hiller and Duncan. | ||
| One nut, one nut. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Two nuts. | ||
| Imagine if Duncan is what Hitler would have been with the right parents and the right upbringing. | ||
| The real problem is determinism. | ||
| It's like when he was born and what time? | ||
| What happened to him at a young age? | ||
| If Hitler got way into Burning Man, it's him. | ||
| He really did have only one testicle, German researcher claims. | ||
| But that's what I would say too once he's dead. | ||
| And he only had one nut, that piece of shit! | ||
| It was a one-nut wonder. | ||
| If Duncan went through World War I, maybe he'd be a little different. | ||
| He had an undescended right testicle, it said. | ||
| Undescended? | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| It's evolution. | ||
| Ideally, you'd have both of them in there to protect you from nut shots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It would protect you. | ||
| But you'd overheat. | ||
| Bring Moncompton to the school. | ||
| Someone slapped you in that, ah, my knuckle! | ||
| It's about the sperm count. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| The daily storm? | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| How was that? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Bring Mein Kampf back in the schools. | ||
| We need it. | ||
| The sack. | ||
| That's what the article said. | ||
| It's always surfs. | ||
| Sound bite. | ||
| You know, one of the things they found out with monkeys is that the size of their testicles is directly attributable to how many promiscuous females are in the area. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Interesting. | ||
| It grows bigger? | ||
| They got more jizz. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They're just around? | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| I got huge balls. | ||
| That means my sister's with the sack. | ||
| I think that's chimpanzees. | ||
| Hitler himself believed to have two forms of- what happened? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Penile condition. | ||
| Two forms of genital abnormality. | ||
| An undescended testicle and a rare condition called penile hypos... | ||
| This is crazy, dude. | ||
| ...in which the urethra opens up on the underside of the penis. | ||
| Oh, he could come out of his ball sack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is my least favorite thing. | |
| He sucked his own dick while he nutted. | ||
| I heard he has to shit on himself. | ||
| You have to shit on him for him to get hard. | ||
| That was the only way he taught us. | ||
| He shit in his mouth while he's sucking his own dick. | ||
| Wow, what a weirdo. | ||
| Epstein weird dick, Harvey weird dick. | ||
| I'm seeing a pattern here. | ||
| Really brilliant man. | ||
| You're a Columbo. | ||
| The worst thing though, for real. | ||
| It's like Hitler was bad enough, dude. | ||
| We don't have to make up lies about his dick later. | ||
| Yeah, let's keep making up lies. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| He was a fucking midget. | ||
| I like that he killed that fucking mustache. | ||
| He killed that thing. | ||
| And he killed Adolf. | ||
| The name Adolf is gone. | ||
| No, Adolf is still around. | ||
| Adolf is still around. | ||
| Adolf is still around. | ||
| There's a lot of white power strongholds. | ||
| The mustache was the worst thing he's ever done. | ||
| Some Adolfs are out there. | ||
| Some Adolfs are there. | ||
| It's a pretty funny fucking name. | ||
| But that mustache is a wrap. | ||
| That's a wrap for that stache. | ||
| You're pretty close. | ||
| And the other guy, Charlie Chaplin, had the best chance of keeping it going. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But he was like, Adolf was too strong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people forgot about Charlie because of the mustache, I think. | ||
| 2010 article. | ||
| New Jersey couple loses custody of a son named Adolf Hitler. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Article by Barbara Goldberg. | |
| Of course Goldberg has a problem with this. | ||
| Jocelyn Arianation Campbell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These people are wild. | |
| These people are the thing. | ||
| The thing to imagine, no one's really like that, that's actually these people. | ||
| They're obviously not smart. | ||
| Also, test positive for meth right now. | ||
| If they're not in jail, you can grab them and fucking get a sample. | ||
| 100% they're methed out. | ||
| Their kids' rooms are decorated with posters with no frames. | ||
| People will... | ||
| Oh, I'm not wrong. | ||
| Unusual decorative features! | ||
| Including skulls and knives! | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Children were strapped to their booster seats for unusually long periods of time amid ongoing domestic violence. | ||
| Oh, just hit the kid while he's strapped in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sammy, you stay in here Me and my dad gotta beat on each other for a little bit. | |
| Don't forget Hitler. | ||
| Don't forget our son, Adolf Hitler. | ||
| That's the real problem with calling everybody you disagree with a Nazi. | ||
| Because there's fucking real Nazis. | ||
| Those aren't real Nazis. | ||
| Those are for real, genuinely... | ||
| They're LARPers. | ||
| They're retarded people. | ||
| But they might... | ||
| Follow through. | ||
| By the retarded Nazis. | ||
| It seems they're pretty fucking committed to it, naming their kids after it. | ||
| You can't just assume without knowing them that they're not, like, homicidal fucking maniacs, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll tell you what. | |
| A smart Nazi wouldn't name their kid, hey, we're Nazis. | ||
| I'm not saying they're smart, but they might be real. | ||
| I think they're retards, but they're not going to do anything. | ||
| But they lost their kid. | ||
| The government was instantly, everybody in the community was like, uh, no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're obviously a bad parent if you're even trying that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, it's also strapping the kids to the booster seats while they beat the fuck out of each other. | ||
| That's a bigger problem than the words. | ||
| Yeah, and they didn't take the booster. | ||
| Yeah, they've got mental disabilities. | ||
| How come everyone's like trans is mentally problematic, but like Nazis, they're like, no, they've made the decision. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But who supports that? | ||
| Who says Nazis made a decision? | ||
| Only retards. | ||
| Interesting point. | ||
| Yeah, nobody says that. | ||
| Interesting point, Jewish man. | ||
| Yeah, nobody says that. | ||
| Those are just retards. | ||
| Nobody's pro-Nazi. | ||
| Those are obviously retards. | ||
| Not a Nazi. | ||
| That's just Kanye mentally suffering. | ||
| You're either a Nazi or you're anti-Nazi. | ||
| No one's pro-Nazi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not a Nazi. | |
| For real, if you're a dude today with holding up a swastika, like, on the side of a highway. | ||
| Yeah, people pull up. | ||
| You just drive by and go, that's... | ||
| Get him in the Special Olympics, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or some people will pull over and beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| But that's just a guy with Tourette's who has the N-word instead of dumb guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To beat their ass. | ||
| You have to be really awesome and stupid. | ||
| They could be really handicapped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what they are. | |
| For sure. | ||
| That's what they are to do that. | ||
| Same with the stolen Valor people. | ||
| It's all just homeless people. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I found a green shirt. | ||
| Well, that's how they enter the Salem Witch Trials. | ||
| How? | ||
| Because these two women just kept calling out everybody, like, they're witches, they're witches, and eventually they were, they're witches, and the people just kept walking. | ||
| Women ruin everything. | ||
| Even ruin the Salem witchcraft. | ||
| Even the greatest moment of our history. | ||
| That was pretty sick, dude. | ||
| You gotta ignore it. | ||
| Can you imagine how nice it would be to fuck a chick and be like, nah, fucking kill her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want that secret getting out, blame that lady. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Dude, that girl blew me so well. | ||
| She's a witch. | ||
| You know what the cause of that stuff was, right? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, the fucking grain. | ||
| Ergot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| There's an early frost. | ||
| There was an early frost, and sometimes when they have an early frost, they'll have high concentrations of ergot, which is a psychedelic chemical. | ||
| So these people were essentially... | ||
| Eating tainted grain, tainted beers. | ||
| There's stuff had ergot poisoning. | ||
| And ergot poisoning can kill you, but it can also make you trip balls. | ||
| So it's very similar, apparently, to LSD. So these people were drinking beer and eating bread. | ||
| And getting fucked up, taking some soup, and then your wife flies out the window. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, wow! | |
| And you don't know what's going on. | ||
| You think witches are real. | ||
| Yes, I love it. | ||
| Can we replace Stone Ape Theory that we've heard for 20 years with this new fact? | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's the same exact thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| It's real similar because this is like, you know, when I was in Greece recently, I told you about this, right? | ||
| We went to a couple different places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| We went to... | ||
| Necropolis? | ||
| Yeah, and the site of the Eleusinian Mysteries. | ||
| That was the wildest one. | ||
| That's where they were doing these psychedelics. | ||
| And this is what Brian Murrow Rescu's book, The Immortality Key, is about. | ||
| So we go to this place where they invented democracy. | ||
| They invented everything. | ||
| And they did it, most likely, while they were tripping balls. | ||
| It's just very funny to admit or invent democracy. | ||
| Be like, look, maybe everybody in this room should decide what we do. | ||
| Maybe we can have a fucking system where everyone gets an equal say. | ||
| What if there's five of us here? | ||
| One? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fifth. | |
| Well, how does that exist without tripping balls? | ||
| Yeah, without tripping balls. | ||
| Like, wait, but I own land. | ||
| Like, I know, I know, I know. | ||
| And Joe's like, but yeah, I could kick you guys. | ||
| Like, alright, I guess you decide. | ||
| That's how it was done forever. | ||
| Until these guys started tripping balls. | ||
| And no one who's not tripping balls is going to come up with a system like that. | ||
| And that's our number one problem with politicians today is no one trips balls. | ||
| No one's tripped! | ||
| None of these people are trippers. | ||
| None of these people are trippers, so none of these people have this idea. | ||
| Biden trips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's more like a stumble in a face plant. | |
| Joe, you should get every presidential candidate in here and trip fucking balls. | ||
| Oh, that would be big. | ||
| Lock the doors. | ||
| Who would you like to do mushrooms with the most? | ||
| Well, Trump would be interesting. | ||
| I don't want to watch anybody. | ||
| Yeah, but if you were going to do mushrooms, like do a breakthrough dose, a giant dose with one president, who would it be? | ||
| Lincoln. | ||
| Lincoln? | ||
| Yeah, but alive. | ||
| Like someone who exists right now. | ||
| Like you could actually make it happen. | ||
| I'd like to talk to Bill about what he did. | ||
| Yeah, Bill would be good. | ||
| Bill would be cool. | ||
| He'd make demons living in my head. | ||
| Don't you turn it with him? | ||
| Bill might be cool. | ||
| He might hit you with some knowledge. | ||
| I would do Obama. | ||
| Because I think W, you'd cry. | ||
| Both of you would cry. | ||
| W would break down and go, holy shit, I killed a million people. | ||
| W would start thinking about the Iraq war. | ||
| He would see the bodies. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| If you tripped, they would be marching to a Pink Floyd song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We don't need no education. | |
| Mushrooms will take you on. | ||
| If you've got some secret like that in the back of your head, you are just trying to paint fucking pictures of a dog, and meanwhile your administration was responsible for How many unnecessary deaths? | ||
| How many? | ||
| What's the number? | ||
| Get Obama. | ||
| You know what haunting that shit must be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Haunting. | |
| Should've just been with the Rangers. | ||
| If you're Obama and you go like, hey man, so when you had this plan going in and then like what you did going out, did that like bug you at all? | ||
| And are you gay? | ||
| But yeah, he'd be like, yeah man. | ||
| Yeah, I had to shut up a lot of shit. | ||
| I don't think he was that good of a guy. | ||
| That's part of being president. | ||
| I think he was in on it from day one, brother. | ||
| He was like, I'll do whatever. | ||
| Hated gay marriage. | ||
| Most drone strikes, let's go. | ||
| I think he's a very smart guy, and I think the only way to be successful as a president is you have to run that game the way everybody runs that game. | ||
| It's like, it ain't about who dies overseas. | ||
| You try bucking the trend, you get the Trump treatment, so you get that old Trump treatment. | ||
| It's also crooked. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| That's part of the beauty of this all. | ||
| What did you say about my president? | ||
| Dude, Bob Dylan's thinking about the same shit that's happening now. | ||
| Oh, I blocked that. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| There's crooked and there's legal crooked. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| There's a lot of legal crooked. | ||
| But they're like, there's an incriminate crime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can't prosecute them. | |
| Loopholes. | ||
| There's a lot of legal crooked. | ||
| We're all aware. | ||
| Like, Congress fucking insider trading. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's legal crooked. | ||
| You can't charge them for it because it's not illegal, but Jesus Christ, what are you doing? | ||
| And they're the ones controlling whether it's illegal, and it's like, oh, fuck. | ||
| They also burn stock when they know that they're going to pass decisions. | ||
| It's all crazy. | ||
| Pelosi's all over it. | ||
| They don't get why anybody votes. | ||
| It's a fucking crooked system you're entering into. | ||
| They put... | ||
| Why even bother? | ||
| Lesser of two evils, I guess. | ||
| It's all people they're giving you. | ||
| They're both fucked. | ||
| It's like, just live their life. | ||
| Get a new system. | ||
| I don't want Trump to win just because I don't want to talk about Trump for the next four years and have people complain. | ||
| He likes Biden better because I don't have to talk about it as much. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to talk about politics. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Bro, they put Martha Stewart in jail for what? | ||
| What did she do? | ||
| Insider. | ||
| What did she do? | ||
| She knew about something and she goes, I'm investing anyway. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| So she made money? | ||
| After you signed your Spotify deal, on every podcast, I was like, yeah, he told me he was going to sign it, so I invested most of my money in it. | ||
| People were like, that's what I'm saying! | ||
| If you think I even know who to call to invest, you're crazy. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But that's what's great about America. | ||
| Obama, two terms, he has a Spotify podcast, cancelled. | ||
| Hey, this is a good question. | ||
| Would it have been insider trading if I bought Spotify stock? | ||
| Me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| That's Pete Rose shit. | ||
| Because you have an idea why it would. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It seems cocky. | ||
| One of the founders of the company, Dr. Samuel Waxall, was arrested for advising friends and family members to sell the stock the other way before the FDA made the announcement and the stock price dropped in price. | ||
| Yeah, but wait, hold on. | ||
| Why would it be weird for you or illegal for you to say, oh, I'm about to join this company. | ||
| Let me buy a bunch. | ||
| I believe in it. | ||
| It's not a guarantee the stock will go up. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's just insider knowledge. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It could have gone down. | ||
| Yeah, it could have been like, fuck that dude. | ||
| I'm not using Spotify anymore. | ||
| It's obvious in retrospect, but by the time, there was no guarantee that would go up. | ||
| No. | ||
| True. | ||
| And no one expected it to do better than it did on the other platforms. | ||
| Yeah, people were like, hey, that's a bad idea. | ||
| A lot of people were like, this is a bad idea. | ||
| It ended up being way better, but it wasn't a guaranteed thing. | ||
| So why would it be illegal for you to go, I'm going to... | ||
| Invest a bunch of my money in this company. | ||
| I bet it's super slippery. | ||
| But I bet it's super slippery. | ||
| Well I made over 7.2 million dollars investing in that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I stay away from all that stuff. | |
| I do too. | ||
| When people ask me to invest in things, I'm like, uh-uh. | ||
| You don't even have to do anything. | ||
| Like, oh, but I do. | ||
| Because then I'd have to think about it. | ||
| Just deal with it. | ||
| I am not interested in thinking about anything other than the things I enjoy. | ||
| I don't like any sort of structure like that, where you're just constantly thinking about a bunch of different businesses. | ||
| You just want a better dick joke. | ||
| Crypto seems like a lot of thought. | ||
| During the investigations of ImClone, authorities discovered that Martha Stewart had sold 4,000 shares of ImClone stock she owned the day before the FDA decision was announced, avoiding a loss of around $45,000. | ||
| Why don't you just charge her $45,000, you fucking cunts. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| Why you got to put her in jail, you fucking assholes? | ||
| And meanwhile, how much money did fucking Congress make insider trading and you put poor old Martha Stewart away for 45 grand? | ||
| We're talking double standards? | ||
| Bro, we're talking insider trading. | ||
| We're talking crooked legal shit. | ||
| We're done for. | ||
| She went to jail, but now she's back and doing shit with Snoop Dogg. | ||
| She ended up having to pay $195,000 as a person. | ||
| Penalty. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| For 45 grand. | ||
| What a badass. | ||
| She took it like a man. | ||
| Just went and did her time. | ||
| 45 grand? | ||
| But really, if it's only 45 grand, you're really supposed to just take that hit on the stock market. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's some weird shit like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, 45 grand to Martha Stewart, that's a wealthy lady. | ||
| I'm sure she doesn't give a fuck about the 45 grand. | ||
| That means literally nothing to her. | ||
| She's fine. | ||
| So, maybe, was it her, it had to be her call. | ||
| Yeah, well, this is why somebody went in with a hammer at a Pelosi's house. | ||
| True. | ||
| No, no, no, that guy was insane. | ||
| I think that was just a crack. | ||
| That dude's an insane guy. | ||
| Did you ever watch the video? | ||
| I did, it was wild. | ||
| It's pretty scary. | ||
| Very scary. | ||
| Yeah, ball peen hammer. | ||
| I thought it was a gay hooker at first. | ||
| So did I, because Paul's gay. | ||
| But Paul... | ||
| Oh, that's the fucking 4chan influence. | ||
| Paul held his own. | ||
| He was like, no, everything's good, fellas. | ||
| Yeah, but he kept his drink. | ||
| That's where he fucked up. | ||
| You gotta go two hands on the hammer. | ||
| Sense resistance, two hands on the hammer. | ||
| But that's a real alcoholic. | ||
| No, he was just trying to like, hey, everything's good. | ||
| Nobody spaz. | ||
| Everybody relax. | ||
| That guy's eyes looked crazy. | ||
| The guy with the hammer? | ||
| That guy looked crazy. | ||
| You gotta go two hands on the hammer. | ||
| If that guy hits you in the head with a hammer... | ||
| Paul's got no shot there. | ||
| He's old as shit. | ||
| Yeah, but that guy wasn't in any good shape either. | ||
| It was a tactical mistake. | ||
| But he was hopped up. | ||
| To not go straight at the hammer. | ||
| Two hands on the hammer, even if it's someone who's weaker than you. | ||
| Look at that big dog. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| He's just struggling with him immediately if the cops jump in and separate it. | ||
| Just like grab it with both hands. | ||
| The cops were like, yo, what the fuck is his hand on? | ||
| What's his other hand on? | ||
| A drink. | ||
| Cocktail. | ||
| Damn, that guy fucking rules. | ||
| Imagine being lit out of your fucking mind and just enjoying a Netflix show. | ||
| Just laughing. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm going to have a Padron tonight. | ||
| What a nut. | ||
| Dude, he was snoring hard when he got hit. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| How many of you guys have seen people get knocked out and snore? | ||
| It's a weird sound that they make. | ||
| And to see it from a guy that old is really scary. | ||
| That's an old man that got hit in the head with a fucking hammer. | ||
| Oh, he's never been the same. | ||
| He'll never be. | ||
| I mean, I haven't seen him since. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, maybe he's okay. | ||
| I saw my mom get knocked out like that. | ||
| What? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| She was snoring and I was like, oh shit, she's dead. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| She fell down the steps. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Drinking? | ||
| Yeah, a couple of cocktails. | ||
| Hey, what happens? | ||
| Thanksgiving will get you. | ||
| How many times have you seen people fall and faceplant on Instagram? | ||
| She, dude, from the top of the steps fell, and there's a wall at the foot of the steps, and her head hit the wall. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How are you? | ||
| Have you pushed her? | ||
| Thank you, leader. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| She was eating some Oreos and drinking some red wine. | ||
| That'll do it. | ||
| So her mouth was purple. | ||
| And me and my sister were there. | ||
| And my sister looked at me and was like, you gotta give her mouth to mouth. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| You gotta give her mouth to her. | ||
| There was just one moment where I looked at her mouth and she was like... | ||
| That's a lot of Oreo crumbs. | ||
| I was like, for real, somebody else is doing that. | ||
| I was like, my mother's life, I thought for real, I thought she was dying and I was still like... | ||
| No way. | ||
| No chance of doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'll tell you, speaking of not, I made a lot of money on O'Malley. | ||
| Yeah, hell yeah. | ||
| What the fuck does that have to do with my mom? | ||
| Jesus Christ, what does that have to do with his mom? | ||
| I feel weird making fun of her. | ||
| No, it's funny. | ||
| She's alright. | ||
| She's cool now. | ||
| She's good. | ||
| She's gonna be mad about me saying this on this podcast. | ||
| We had a fun night. | ||
| Oh, you wanna know the funniest part? | ||
| We called an ambulance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because we were like, oh shit, mom's dead. | ||
| I was the only one keeping my composure. | ||
| My dad was upstairs. | ||
| He didn't see it. | ||
| So my sister was like, mom's dead! | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| It was kind of sad to hear my father, like, that horse, you know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he called an ambulance. | ||
| The ambulance came, and she had already woken up by then. | ||
| And everyone was surrounding her, like, you alright? | ||
| And she was like, yeah, I'm fine. | ||
| My fucking hand hurts, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| My hand was shattered. | ||
| In the fall, it was like... | ||
| She's like, I'm just really embarrassed you guys are here, but my hand hurts. | ||
| I was like, oh! | ||
| Even the EMT was like, Jesus Christ! | ||
| That's her Oreo-eating hand. | ||
| Yeah, she was going for an Oreo and fell down the steps. | ||
| She got that Oreo, though. | ||
| She did get that Oreo. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Shout out, Barb. | ||
| Did you guys see Rose Namajunas' broken finger from her last fight? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you see that guy's leg fucking go? | ||
| Yeah, I did see that guy's leg go. | ||
| I've seen two different guys' legs go this week. | ||
| Pull it up, JMO! One Russian guy and one another guy. | ||
| His MMA debut. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Debut! | ||
| It's a freak accident. | ||
| A freak accident. | ||
| His leg got destroyed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just fell backwards. | ||
| Oh, I can't watch this. | ||
| You showed me the plane. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| I don't want to watch it. | ||
| No, it was worse than the steal. | ||
| It was worse than the steal. | ||
| His leg exploded. | ||
| No, don't show it, Jamie. | ||
| Oh, goddammit. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Come on, Jamie. | ||
| This is rude. | ||
| Jamie, show him the Louisville basketball player's femur shot during the takedown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| It went under him. | ||
| It just blew apart. | ||
| It blew apart. | ||
| Hey, you know what everybody sleeps on now? | ||
| Joe Theismann. | ||
| The original of this. | ||
| Shout out Notre Dame. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That was the original one of these. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's... | |
| This. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| This is the first real leg break in the wrong place. | ||
| Lawrence Taylor, shout out. | ||
| Flea flicker action. | ||
| No, no, you gotta show the close-up. | ||
| They ran a flea flicker, that's funny. | ||
| Lawrence Taylor called in fucking an airlift. | ||
| Oh, here we go. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Shout out Jamie Freezeframe! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| God almighty! | ||
| That snapped! | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| You didn't pronounce his name like Theismann. | ||
| They changed it at no name so he could win the Heismann. | ||
| Yeah, he was Theismann. | ||
| Joe Theismann. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so slippery. | ||
| And then he didn't win the Heismann. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He didn't win it? | |
| He broke his fucking leg like an idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look at that! | |
| So did he come back from that? | ||
| And how long did it take? | ||
| No, he was done for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was done. | |
| That was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did he come back at all? | ||
| No. | ||
| He was just like, he walks now. | ||
| What's that famous one? | ||
| No UFC fighter other than Anderson Silva's had multiple fights with having that surgery and been successful. | ||
| And Anderson wasn't really... | ||
| How was Conor? | ||
| He won one fight after that. | ||
| Conor will be alright, right? | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| We don't know until he fights. | ||
| Like Chris Weidman, there was a lot of hope for Chris Weidman, but he looked like he was having troubles. | ||
| You know, it's hard to say. | ||
| It's hard to say how much effort was Brad Tavares, who's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Damn, that's a hunk. | ||
| 85, Theismann suffered a compound fracture of the tibia and the fibula in his right leg when he was sacked by Lyme. | ||
| Career-ending injury. | ||
| So that's it. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Ouch. | ||
| What's he doing now? | ||
| Shout out to WTEM. I think it's a real hard one to break and come back from. | ||
| Tyrone Spong broke it in a kickboxing match against Gokhan Saki. | ||
| It's another rough one. | ||
| I bet you still sort of feel it every time you plant. | ||
| You're joking, right? | ||
| That's a great one. | ||
| He kicks him, right? | ||
| Yeah, he kicks him, and his legs snap in half. | ||
| That's a famous one. | ||
| And he's come back, and he's done some boxing, and I think he did one MMA fight, but I don't know how many kicks he threw. | ||
| He got taken down a bunch. | ||
| There's also an NBA one that's pretty wild. | ||
| Well, it's like... | ||
| It's just, I think that leg bone down there is just real vulnerable, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when they put it back together again, I don't think it's ever quite the same. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't make me fucking keep seeing these! | |
| How does that happen? | ||
| Kevin Ware, right? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Did he ever come back? | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| He did come back. | ||
| He came back! | ||
| Oh, nobody even hit him! | ||
| Oh my god, he just fell back. | ||
| What a fucking loser! | ||
| That makes you just want to lay down for the rest of your life. | ||
| Isn't that so crazy, like, how weird your body's so vulnerable? | ||
| A basic, like, no chance block! | ||
| Normal shit. | ||
| He's probably done that a hundred thousand times. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| No, don't keep doing this, Jamie. | ||
| Jamie, please. | ||
| Jamie, have some respect for humanity. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| Wow, what a lizard. | ||
| I cracked my little one. | ||
| Not the tibia, but the fibula. | ||
| I cracked that one once. | ||
| How so? | ||
| I got kicked. | ||
| I got kicked with a heel that dug right into that thing, and I had a hairline fracture of it. | ||
| It lasted for a while. | ||
| And I fought in a tournament with it. | ||
| I put soccer pads on it. | ||
| Those hard soccer pads. | ||
| I put those over and taped it on. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| I was at the first Anderson one. | ||
| It didn't make sense. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| The Anderson, he wraps around like a wet sock. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| The crazy thing is, Anderson did that. | ||
| It happened to Anderson on Chris Weidman. | ||
| And then Chris Weidman did it on Uriah Hall. | ||
| It's such a rare injury. | ||
| And for one guy to be involved in two of those in his whole career, it's kind of nuts. | ||
| It's kind of like the Lincoln... | ||
| JFK was shot in the Lincoln, but Lincoln was shot at Kennedy Theater. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Ford Theater. | ||
| Kennedy drove a Ford, and Ford fucked Lincoln, who killed... | ||
| I thought if anybody was gonna have a real good shot at coming back, it was gonna be Weidman. | ||
| Because you're such an animal. | ||
| You're such an animal. | ||
| If anybody figures it out, it might be Weidman. | ||
| It wasn't his speed also. | ||
| Tavares is fucking good. | ||
| You keep going, put your headphones on. | ||
| Oh yeah, you're going to want headphones for that. | ||
| They had an assistant named Kennedy, they had an assistant named Lincoln. | ||
| It was all types of... | ||
| But he was in a Lincoln when he got shot. | ||
| Hold on! | ||
| They're not all accurate. | ||
| Some of it's bullshit? | ||
| Ah, fuck. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| That was back before the internet. | ||
| But the CIA didn't kill Lincoln. | ||
| Because he wouldn't go to Vietnam. | ||
| Hey, what's the greatest bullshit story before the internet? | ||
| Ooh, probably the gerbil. | ||
| We know it. | ||
| The gerbil. | ||
| Gerbil in the ass. | ||
| That one's amazing. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Rod Stewart with the pine of cum. | ||
| Bon Jovi. | ||
| No, that one wasn't all the same person. | ||
| I like that one, but I don't know if I drove you on that. | ||
| Lil' Kim had to get on that. | ||
| Yeah, Lil' Kim, that. | ||
| Because there was too much cum. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Everyone knew Richard Gere in the gerbil. | ||
| He must hate that. | ||
| He must get that all day long. | ||
| He's like, how did they find out? | ||
| I'm so glad people are still talking about me. | ||
| Fame is fame. | ||
| I was the number one gerbil fucker. | ||
| Why don't you go fuck a gerbil? | ||
| What's the primary source of that? | ||
| Because I had heard that, like... | ||
| The funniest kid in your middle school? | ||
| Did he used to be a Scientologist? | ||
| Yeah, and when he went out, they're like, we'll expose you. | ||
| Oh, that's what it is. | ||
| That's one theory. | ||
| But is that real? | ||
| In Scientology, you've got to reveal all your darker shit. | ||
| Okay, we know that, but was Richard Gere a Scientologist? | ||
| Yeah, but even if he did the Buddhist movie, and he became a Buddhist, and right after that, it came out. | ||
| So that's what they say. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So wait, do you think he actually shoved a germ up in that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What? | ||
| Ari's taking this to a whole new level. | ||
| According to that theory, he's like, let me tell you everything I've done. | ||
| I thought they made it up to smear him because he left. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Exposing is real shit. | ||
| It'd be like if you were like, I actually did get the vaccine. | ||
| Can you imagine if that's nothing? | ||
| Can you imagine if that's what you were into? | ||
| Joe Rogan got the vaccine. | ||
| Joe Rogan got the vaccine. | ||
| Dude, take the vaccine. | ||
| Get boosters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shout out to CIA dude, they're giving me fifty fucking thousand dollars. | ||
| If you're not getting vaccinated, it's literally like holding a loaded gun to someone's head. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| And you can get a free Shake Shack from de Blasio if you get a booster. | ||
| Yo, what's up? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Well, yeah, that was the first viral before viral. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Marilyn Manson's ribs. | ||
| So was he definitely a Scientologist, Jeremy? | ||
| Richard Gere? | ||
| What do they got on fucking Tom Cruise then? | ||
| He's a Scientologist. | ||
| He's running that show over there. | ||
| What does he have on them? | ||
| He's running that show over there. | ||
| Will Smith? | ||
| He could shut it down. | ||
| He's probably the number one reason why new people walk through the door. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I want to be that fucking guy from Mission Impossible. | ||
| And he looks great. | ||
| I want to wear braces when I'm 50. Let's go! | ||
| So many of my friends love Tom Cruise. | ||
| He's a great actor. | ||
| I just don't have the love for him. | ||
| Go watch Interview with the Vampire. | ||
| No, I understand there's greatness before. | ||
| Tropic Thunder? | ||
| Come on, Sean. | ||
| That was amazing. | ||
| Tropic Thunder is hilarious. | ||
| He's amazing in that. | ||
| First try a comedy and he nailed it. | ||
| Nailed it. | ||
| The dance, everything. | ||
| Bro, he's fucking great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't be a hater. | |
| I'm not saying he's not great. | ||
| I'm not saying he's not great. | ||
| Risky business? | ||
| I'm saying he's slightly never made. | ||
| I think if he was a Catholic, you'd fucking love him. | ||
| I mean, obviously. | ||
| 49! | ||
| But then he'd be Daniel Day-Lewis. | ||
| So what does it say? | ||
| Richard Gere is one of the most outspoken religious celebrities and religious choices in Buddhism. | ||
| Gere was raised in a Methodist home and studied philosophy in his short-lived college stint, but it seems religion is always interested in him, but it became enraptured with Buddhism on trip to Nepal in the late 70s. | ||
| Okay, so he was never in Scientology? | ||
| No, no, you've got to look up Scientology in Richard Gere. | ||
| Dan, it sucks you get so hot, you've got to become Buddhist. | ||
| First, a list comes up that says there's people that quit, and then he wasn't on the list. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This says he never officially converted. | ||
| Okay, so he probably... | ||
| Never officially converted. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| That was not him. | ||
| That's just the type of headline. | ||
| He was fucking Cindy Crawford, too. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Gear? | ||
| He was king, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was king. | |
| Didn't he fuck Madonna? | ||
| Didn't he fuck Madonna? | ||
| Who did? | ||
| He also fucked a gerbil. | ||
| But if he's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, who has fucked a gerbil? | |
| And I'm A. | ||
| That guy rules. | ||
| But if he dabbled in Scientology and then left, that might have been enough. | ||
| They already had him. | ||
| Day one, they got you. | ||
| As soon as you do the fucking clearance test. | ||
| Because a lot of people dabbled in it. | ||
| I think Seinfeld even dabbled in it. | ||
| He did. | ||
| Did you talk to Seinfeld about it? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
About what? | |
| He dabbled in Scientology for a while. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, he tried it. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| I was watching an infomercial in 1994 and they had that Dianetics book. | ||
| I didn't even know that was Scientology. | ||
| I thought, oh, how to fucking improve your life. | ||
| Gateway. | ||
| So I order it and bro, they never stop sending me shit. | ||
| They were sending me shit. | ||
| I didn't even read it. | ||
| They just keep going. | ||
| I went out and played pool. | ||
| You're Tom Cruise. | ||
| They just had you. | ||
| They're like, well, if you showed a moment of witness, we'll get you. | ||
| They just kept sending me shit, man. | ||
| Every time I'd get the mail, it'd be like, more shit from Scientology, more invitations to conferences. | ||
| This is the same way I am with your dumb fucking ivermectin recommendation. | ||
| They don't stop calling you. | ||
| Stallone did it. | ||
| That's what Richard Gere thought for a while. | ||
| Sylvester Stallone thinks that Richard Gere is still mad at him for starting that whole gerbil in that, well, you know story. | ||
| Stallone has denied it, though, but that's as far as some research. | ||
| How did Stallone start it? | ||
| It says, Gere believes it's Sly, who started the ridiculous urban legend about Gere and the gerbil. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| Gere and Stallone were on the set of the 1974 Lords of the Flatbush, and the two actors got into a tiff over lunch one day. | ||
| Something about chicken grease, Sly's thigh, and a hot dog, whereupon Stallone emboweled him. | ||
| Elbowed. | ||
| Oh, elbowed him on the side of the head. | ||
| The tension between the two actors became so fevered that Gere got kicked off the film, which still angers him today. | ||
| Apparently to this day he seriously dislikes me, says Sly, who adds for the record that it did not start the rodent rumor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, you know, he shoved a fucking dribble up his butt. | |
| I just want to say, for the record, I didn't start that rumor. | ||
| Gary's rep had no comment. | ||
| He for sure started that rumor. | ||
| 100% he started that rumor. | ||
| I didn't start it, right? | ||
| How strong was that rumor? | ||
| He shoved a fucking dribble up his butt. | ||
| It was the strongest one. | ||
| That rumor made it to me in Boston and made it to Eddie Bravo in L.A. Me and Maryland. | ||
| That's Sly, dude. | ||
| Only Sly could have done this. | ||
| Yeah, it has to be. | ||
| You have to have a high profile. | ||
| He was on the Sly. | ||
| God, how did we all get it? | ||
| It was true. | ||
| It had to be true. | ||
| That's kind of that theory. | ||
| If they started to worry about you or that you're gay, it wouldn't catch on. | ||
| Same thing to you. | ||
| It wouldn't catch on. | ||
| But if it's always like, oh, it caught on, it's like, because that's a gay guy. | ||
| That's why it catches on. | ||
| If it's like, oh, this guy did this, it doesn't catch on. | ||
| This guy, oh, that one it sticks to. | ||
| I gotta be honest with you guys, me and Jamie kissed at the mothership last night. | ||
| I made out with him at Mitzi's. | ||
| I grabbed him by the back of his fucking hair and we kissed. | ||
| The Richard Gere caught on because it's true. | ||
| Jamie, you're being nasty, don't be nasty. | ||
| I don't think it caught on because it's true. | ||
| I think it caught on because Sly made it up. | ||
| Sly is the man. | ||
| Sly made the gerbil in it. | ||
| Imagine how you would feel. | ||
| Better than an assassin. | ||
| Knowing that the body of your enemy really did fly by in the water. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He really did get him. | ||
| Got him with that one. | ||
| I wonder what they argued with that. | ||
| Who did he tell? | ||
| How did he get it out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Chicken thigh grease and a hot dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How did he get it out? | |
| That started it. | ||
| Was it a fucking foreign policy conversation? | ||
| For real, though, if that argument was just them in a fight and then Sly went around telling everybody that he shoved a gerbil up his ass, that's genius. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so smart that I don't think Sylvester Strung did it. | ||
| Out of nowhere. | ||
| Look, he's not stupid. | ||
| He wrote Rocky. | ||
| Obviously he's smart. | ||
| He's very smart. | ||
| But he did gay porn before that. | ||
| Or porn. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| He did porn, not gay porn. | ||
| Rocky did it? | ||
| No offense, Rocky. | ||
| No offense. | ||
| He did, like, softcore. | ||
| It was like softcore. | ||
| Cocky. | ||
| There's also a National Enquirer gossip columnist said he'd never worked harder in his life trying to confirm that story. | ||
| Nothing more than an urban legend referring to not only the Richard Gere story, but gerbling as a whole. | ||
| Gerbling! | ||
| Gerbling! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like falconing? | |
| Sorry, I don't know you. | ||
| There is no gerbling? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I think RFK Jr. is a falconist. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is he really? | ||
| Pull it up, J-Mo! | ||
| I don't love that. | ||
| How cool is falconing? | ||
| There's a lawyer that insists it's real. | ||
| Of course it's real. | ||
| While it's colloquially called gerbiling, the actual name for it from a medical mental health point of view is formacophilia, which involves not just gerbils but other kinds of small critters as well. | ||
| This is a form of bestiality which essentially deals with things crawled on you or in you. | ||
| When we started this, I saw a video of a snake being pulled out of someone's body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Wow. | ||
| The squids, the squids. | ||
| Dude, this is better than any fucking Eric Weinstein podcast. | ||
| If you were a girl, wouldn't you want a snake inside of you? | ||
| Oh, black and white. | ||
| Trying to get out. | ||
| Trying to get out. | ||
| You're like, you're not getting up, motherfucker. | ||
| No dick moves that many ways inside you. | ||
| Just tape that little mouth up so it's not eating your insides out. | ||
| Just fucking solid secure it and Should we take the mouth off? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| It's called snaking. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| You're a freak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I was a woman, fuck yeah. | |
| Combat boots in a fucking cage full of snakes. | ||
| If you were a woman, you'd be a menace. | ||
| Lifeside supply of duct tape. | ||
| Duct tape their little faces up. | ||
| Shut your fucking mouth. | ||
| Mama's gonna get you a rabbit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mama's gonna give you a rabbit after this. | |
| I'm gonna be like a 90-year-old grizzled old lady with a fucking house full of snakes. | ||
| You'd be in a trailer of fucking snakes. | ||
| K.Y. Jelly. | ||
| Black Mamba. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| You'd be in a trailer of fucking snakes. | ||
| If you were a lady? | ||
| What animal would you fuck? | ||
| You could fuck any animal. | ||
| Oh, man, no doubt. | ||
| Shetland Pony. | ||
| Ooh, good one. | ||
| Good one. | ||
| They kick, though. | ||
| You gotta watch out. | ||
| Jamie, toss up Shetland Pony. | ||
| Tell me you gotta try to fuck this thing. | ||
| I'd fuck a mermaid. | ||
| There's no pussy on there. | ||
| That's animal? | ||
| You call that more animal than cute? | ||
| You can't pick a hot fucking lady. | ||
| You're not trying to fuck that horse? | ||
| That's cute. | ||
| It looks like Nicky Glazer. | ||
| I would just hold its hand and walk it home. | ||
| You're not trying to fuck that thing? | ||
| No, it's too sweet. | ||
| She's looking at you. | ||
| Please give it to me. | ||
| Oh, cutie. | ||
| That's beautiful hair, dude. | ||
| What did we do to a fucking majestic horse? | ||
| We're so gross. | ||
| We took a wolf and turned it into a chihuahua. | ||
| You know they were small? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You know horses were small? | ||
| They used to be really small? | ||
| Donkey. | ||
| Like how small? | ||
| Medieval time, they were like closer to ponies. | ||
| Look at that ass! | ||
| Oh, they were riding shallow ponies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm going sheep all day. | ||
| Whoa, sheep's got some giant balls. | ||
| I've seen mountain goats with giant balls. | ||
| Steve Rinella pointed out to me, they're like church bells. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Giant balls. | ||
| By the way, I was just fucking around about fucking those horses. | ||
| You know what's crazy about horses? | ||
| I'd fuck a brown bear. | ||
| All horses came from North America, but then they all got wiped out, but they had already taken them to other countries. | ||
| So all the horses, yeah, they all started out in America. | ||
| They got wiped out after 1482? | ||
| And then they got reintroduced by the Europeans. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| It is true. | ||
| Wait, repeat it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Horses evolved. | ||
| The species of horse evolved in North America. | ||
| Wait, but he's saying shit that's wrong. | ||
| He's talking and he's incorrect. | ||
| No, they died. | ||
| They went extinct in North America. | ||
| But they had already gotten them across the Bering Strait, Eurasia, on boats. | ||
| They had gotten horses to these other countries. | ||
| So horses, in a lot of places where they were using horses, horses didn't come from there. | ||
| They literally came from North America. | ||
| And they came back after... | ||
| Tens of thousands of years of what we're talking about. | ||
| So what does a horse come from? | ||
| After Columbus came. | ||
| No, stupid asshole. | ||
| Not after Columbus came? | ||
| No. | ||
| Before Columbus came. | ||
| We're talking tens of thousands of years. | ||
| But then they came back after Columbus was back, post-Columbia. | ||
| The earliest recognized ancestors of the horses, here it is, Eopipigasakendu, fucking whatever that word is, Angustidens, known as the Dawn Horse, a small North American animal, amount the size of a fox which lives in forests and ate fruits, shoots and leaves around 55 million years ago. | ||
| Yeah, over the following tens of millions of years horse ancestors grew in size as grasslands expanded around 20 million years ago So they think that they a lot of them died off You know like I think around the same time is like what was the year that they died off in them in North America around 10,000 years ago They think it was a part of the whole Younger Dryas impact and all the the the the idea that Most of North America's wildlife, like 65% of it got wiped out around 11,000 years ago. | ||
| Including saber-toothed tigers, all these woolly mammoths, everything got wiped out. | ||
| I think we got hit by comets. | ||
| And they think that... | ||
| That's a myth. | ||
| 11,000 years ago? | ||
| Yeah, 11,800. | ||
| That's what they think. | ||
| It's called the Younger Dryas Impact. | ||
| Not so long. | ||
| It's the Graham Hancock, Randall Carlson shit, the end of civilization. | ||
| Just on the Western Hemisphere. | ||
| No, it was all over the world. | ||
| But the horses survived other places? | ||
| Yeah, they survived in some places. | ||
| It depends on how bad they got hit. | ||
| You're not comprehending any of this. | ||
| You're just adding words. | ||
| North America got pounded. | ||
| And so did other parts of the world got pounded. | ||
| We killed the buffalo. | ||
| They think he fucking knocked... | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I thought we extincted him. | ||
| San Francisco Park. | ||
| No, Buffaloes are still real. | ||
| We still have Buffaloes. | ||
| Buffaloes existed. | ||
| I thought we got rid of them all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were just on the field against DCU. Yeah, Buffalo Bill Burr. | |
| That's what bison is, dude. | ||
| When you buy bison, you buy a buffalo. | ||
| What's the difference between a bison and a buff? | ||
| There's no difference. | ||
| It's the same animal. | ||
| Male and female? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's the same animal. | ||
| You should? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they're different. | ||
| Bison and buffalo are the exact same animal. | ||
| They gotta be different. | ||
| No, it's definitely the same animal. | ||
| It's the same exact thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like sheep and lamb? | |
| Because I've eaten bison meat, but I've eaten a buffalo wing. | ||
| No, no, buffalo wing. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| You went that far for that joke? | ||
| No, I just bumped it. | ||
| He's looking for a lifeline the whole way. | ||
| Fuck, I had one earlier. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| Yeah, they had fucking North American cheetahs. | ||
| There was North American lions. | ||
| There was lions living in North America. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| According to who, dude? | ||
| According to the people that study lion bones? | ||
| Anybody that's like, hey, 55 million years ago, I go, dude, shut the fuck up. | ||
| I don't know what happened yesterday. | ||
| I went on safari, and those elephants, we saw lions, we saw cheetah, we saw leopards. | ||
| The elephants were the scariest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because they'd come right at the car. | ||
| And they're smart. | ||
| They're smart as shit! | ||
| And they hate you. | ||
| And they could just end you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| At any time. | ||
| You could see them just pushing up against a tree, and the roots are coming up. | ||
| It is wild. | ||
| They could just end you. | ||
| And the rhinos were no joke, either. | ||
| I watched an elephant absolutely buttfuck a rhino. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not in real life, but on the internet. | ||
| But, like, literal buttfuck? | ||
| No, he just murdered it in a second. | ||
| Oh, he beat his ass. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Do you think they set those fights up? | ||
| I bet they do, right? | ||
| No, nature's metal. | ||
| It's always just showing you fucking... | ||
| No, but I'm not saying all of them. | ||
| I'm not saying all of them, but I know they definitely did set some fights up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they used to put a bear and a tiger together, and then film it, and let them both out, and then film it. | ||
| It's basically Roman. | ||
| It's like bum fights. | ||
| Jamie, did we ever cover this before? | ||
| That there was some place that was taken, they took a bear and a tiger, and they released them together to watch them fight. | ||
| That's Russia to China. | ||
| Either way it rules. | ||
| Supposedly, that's the whole deal with all that fucking rhino tea. | ||
| It's like super elite people like to be able to drink shit that's completely forbidden. | ||
| They don't even really believe it gives you bones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So just like, no one's supposed to have this, but I got some. | |
| I got rhino tea, son. | ||
| So this tiger is out. | ||
| How's a tiger and a black bear? | ||
| Wait, we should play bets. | ||
| Forest Safari Lodge, it says. | ||
| Let me see, is that a nice sloth boy? | ||
| With an adult tiger face off with a sloth bear. | ||
| Oh, a sloth bear. | ||
| This is India. | ||
| This is totally reasonable. | ||
| I'm going bear. | ||
| Dude, this is crazy. | ||
| So they put these animals together in a cage? | ||
| Oh, no, I've seen this. | ||
| Sloth bear holds his own, dude. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| That's a mom defending her cub. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Sloth bear fights it off. | ||
| You can't fuck with the cub defending. | ||
| Sloth bears are nasty, dude. | ||
| They jack people. | ||
| Who's that behind it? | ||
| I've watched a video of a sloth bear killing a guy. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's the worst. | ||
| You don't want to see it. | ||
| Watch that. | ||
| You don't want to see it. | ||
| Sloth bears look like shit, too. | ||
| Their hair is all fucked up. | ||
| They're like long and lanky. | ||
| Killed by an ugly, mean bear. | ||
| It just tears a guy apart. | ||
| Would you feel better if you were killed by a beautiful grizzly? | ||
| It's beautiful, beautiful. | ||
| I mean, the grizzly would at least fucking- Yeah, just go quick. | ||
| Grizzly man. | ||
| No, they eat your ass first. | ||
| They just start eating you, dude. | ||
| They just hold you down like a sand. | ||
| One swipe, you're out. | ||
| No, they just hold you down. | ||
| They eat your leg apart. | ||
| They hold you down and tear you apart. | ||
| Well, if he was holding me down and tearing me apart, I would be upset about it. | ||
| I would imagine you would. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| If he swipe knocked me out, I'd be like, sick. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| The next is the best part. | ||
| But wouldn't that be a great way to sell tickets? | ||
| Just bear versus lion, the garden. | ||
| They literally did that at the Coliseum. | ||
| I would go to that. | ||
| We're getting close, kids. | ||
| Yeah, we are. | ||
| I used to say that when I was hosting Fear Factor, but we're about four years away from the Running Man. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's coming. | ||
| That's coming. | ||
| Something like that's coming. | ||
| I think we might have talked about it before, but how sick is it that they used to... | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ, don't know about that one. | ||
| They used to fill the Coliseum. | ||
| Look out, he's going to throw it again. | ||
| Fill the Coliseum with water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And have crocodile fights? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| No way! | ||
| Or boats? | ||
| A costume rolled. | ||
| The costume you could fill with water, and then they would have boat fights, and fill the water with crocodiles. | ||
| How gangster did you have to be to catch a crocodile back then with no guns? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And bring it back! | |
| You can't kill it. | ||
| You can't tranquilize it either. | ||
| And people were all tiny back then. | ||
| They're all eating spaghetti. | ||
| That's 5'1". | ||
| Yeah, you mentioned it. | ||
| I bet that's a fucking crocodile. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| How do you keep water in that place? | ||
| Apparently they could. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| Yeah, they developed a way to do it. | ||
| It's like engineers have actually studied it, and the floor lowers and raises so that animals can come through the floor. | ||
| Yeah, there's like the really sophisticated system that they had, where they had animals in cages for the games underneath, and they would lift them up through the floor, and everybody would cheer. | ||
| Holy shit, they got a tiger! | ||
| And what's crazy is, the really baller people would be in the fucking front row, and they would get jacked by the tiger. | ||
| No way! | ||
| So they had to raise the wall, because people were getting jacked. | ||
| It was like 10 feet up. | ||
| That's not enough. | ||
| It'd be like going to a UFC match and then a guy jumps out and starts whooping your ass. | ||
| It was like a mosh pit. | ||
| We're all holding hands trying to keep the horse gripping back. | ||
| He just hops out and knocks you out. | ||
| Do you remember that zoo in San Francisco where the kids were throwing pine cones at the tiger and the tiger jumped over a 14-foot fence? | ||
| What? | ||
| They gave him a reason. | ||
| It's like a Mexican. | ||
| These kids were throwing pine cones at this fucking tiger. | ||
| And the tiger, they had a 14-foot high fence. | ||
| They're like, yeah, good enough. | ||
| And this motherfucker jumped over the 14-foot high fence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, got on. | |
| J-Mo! | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| It's not on video, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| Good for that fucking time. | ||
| Is that on video? | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| I don't think that's on video. | ||
| Mark's asking me to pull it up. | ||
| Oh, no, I don't think that's on video. | ||
| I think that was just a random day at the zoo where some dude's got killed. | ||
| They got murked. | ||
| Damn, pinecone. | ||
| That's a scary way to die. | ||
| Holy shit, would you know you provoked that fucking thing? | ||
| It was in there for years? | ||
| You know how scary that thing looked while it was flying in the air? | ||
| Angry. | ||
| Knowing you're the cause? | ||
| You know he's gonna make it? | ||
| He's gonna get down on the downslope? | ||
| No way! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had a bit about it. | |
| That's two pounces. | ||
| Yeah, you did have a bit about it. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah, I had a bit about it. | ||
| Talking monkeys in space. | ||
| Victims taunted Tiger for a killed zoo visitor. | ||
| 19 year old and 17 year old. | ||
| Two kids. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| His brother was 23 and a friend was 17. They died in the tragedy. | ||
| Tatiana got killed by a girl. | ||
| That tiger's like, yeah, whatever, man, I did it. | ||
| Wow, the three of them got killed? | ||
| Is that what it's saying? | ||
| Some other person? | ||
| Holy shit, it killed three people? | ||
| It's crazy, because it could have jumped over that wall at any time. | ||
| According to an affidavit at hand by the San Francisco Chronicle, the trio stood on top of a three-foot railing, but had not thrown anything into the pen to provoke the cat. | ||
| They were drunk. | ||
| The men had also been smoking marijuana. | ||
| It was a pot-related death. | ||
| Toxicology tests showed that Wally had been twice the legal alcohol limit for driving. | ||
| Damn, they got high and drunk and fucked with a tiger? | ||
| They taunted, agitated by its eventual victims. | ||
| Police believe this factor contributed to the tiger escaping from its enclosure and attacking the victims. | ||
| God damn it, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just young, imagine if that's your kid, just some young, dumb kid with his friends, fucking off. | ||
| I wonder if the tiger got a... | ||
| He's the one 23-year-old loser, and he's probably starting it all. | ||
| That's probably that Irish guy. | ||
| All three had marijuana in the system. | ||
| This probably isn't the best joke, but... | ||
| Each had a couple shots of vodka. | ||
| Kid's name was Coolbeard Dahua. | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| Nah, life apart. | ||
| Never mind, we'd probably cut that part. | ||
| It's just funny, his name, his parents were probably like, watch out, tigers will get you. | ||
| You ever see how far those motherfuckers can jump? | ||
| There's a video of this guy on an elephant. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| No way, come on. | ||
| You ever see the guy on an elephant that gets jacked by the tiger? | ||
| Oh yeah, that's the best. | ||
| His whole hand is a fucking jacked. | ||
| Yeah, his whole hand got just torn apart. | ||
| It's just shredded, like razor blades. | ||
| They had razor blades for claws, and they weighed, you know, 600 pounds, flying through the air, just slashing at you. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| Watch this video. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I love the video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know what you're saying. | |
| It is fucking bullshit. | ||
| That just sucks, dude. | ||
| And you're on top of an elephant. | ||
| Why don't you go after the elephant, though? | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| No, it's looking for the person. | ||
| He shows that person's being an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| Oh, what a dive! | ||
| I love seeing the elephants in the background like, oh, oh! | ||
| I like how they're still filming. | ||
| Because the cats know they're trying to kill them. | ||
| Tall grass. | ||
| Dude, there's a place called the Sundarbans, where over the last 200 years, hundreds of thousands of people... | ||
| What a shot. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He got him! | ||
| He got him right in the fucking dick. | ||
| Almost bit his head. | ||
| Oh, that guy's shredded, bro. | ||
| His hand's gone. | ||
| Look at your mom when she fell on the stairs. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| My head's alright, but I'll tell you what. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| The tiger was just arm out and just... | ||
| Dude, fuck those things. | ||
| They were tiger hunting. | ||
| They were fucking trying to kill that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're trying to hunt those things down. | ||
| They do it all the time down there. | ||
| On safari, the rhinos, they find the ones that kill people. | ||
| Some of them, they develop a taste for people. | ||
| Everyone was like, America sucks. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| You heard that old tale about the guy who would help an old man, you know, and he would go over to his house every day, feed him, hang out with him a little bit, you know, and then one day, he knocked on the old man's door, no answer. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I'll leave. | ||
| Comes back the next day, knock. | ||
| No answer. | ||
| Next day, knock. | ||
| And eventually he's like, this is weird. | ||
| So he tries to open the door. | ||
| The door won't open. | ||
| And he's like, what the hell? | ||
| So he gets his shoulder in there and he's doing a running start. | ||
| Finally the door pushes open. | ||
| The old man was blocking the door. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| Dogs ate him. | ||
| And now they have to put the dogs down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck are you talking about? | |
| You never heard this? | ||
| His own dogs ate him. | ||
| Once a dog gets a taste of human flesh, it's over. | ||
| Holy, there's Lizzo. | ||
| Fucking hippo. | ||
| Starting to climb out of the cage. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It doesn't attack. | ||
| This just doesn't attack. | ||
| No. | ||
| They're the most deadly animals. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I'm terrified. | ||
| These guys sloppin' him. | ||
| Thank God he has the mask on. | ||
| Thank God for the mask. | ||
| This guy's insane. | ||
| This guy's He's nuts. | ||
| He's insane. | ||
| His only weapon is a walkie-talkie. | ||
| This guy is insane. | ||
| And he's reaching for it. | ||
| Look at the mouth on that thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That thing could crush a moped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy. | |
| You want to know something wild about hippos? | ||
| Guess what they're closest related to in the Mammoth family. | ||
| No. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| What? | ||
| The whale. | ||
| I can see that. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| I can see it. | ||
| Oh, you guys did that? | ||
| And wolves. | ||
| I was watching... | ||
| There's a hippo documentary on Amazon I was watching. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, they spray shit at each other. | ||
| They're fucking terrible. | ||
| They're gross. | ||
| Hippos suck. | ||
| They're so scary. | ||
| I thought they were fun and funny. | ||
| They're not. | ||
| Hungry hippo. | ||
| They'll run you down. | ||
| We do that with every animal that's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah, but they, like, when they fight each other, they spray shit at each other. | ||
| They spray shit? | ||
| But they're hungry, hungry hippos! | ||
| Polar bears are cool, though! | ||
| They do this whenever they're fighting. | ||
| They do this whenever they're fighting. | ||
| That's hilarious! | ||
| That's an original... | ||
| Ah, spit in somebody's face! | ||
| They're fertilizing! | ||
| It's probably nature's figuring out a way to get them to spray their shit. | ||
| No, but they do it, like, face-to-face in water. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're morals. | ||
| Spraying it with a tail. | ||
| Polar bears are at least cool. | ||
| They're cool. | ||
| They used to be brown. | ||
| God, look at that thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Damn! | ||
| It's going to be me tomorrow on the flight home. | ||
| Imagine a bad night of doing blow and dragon. | ||
| That's your life. | ||
| You die, you come back, you get to live as every organism on Earth. | ||
| Hippo would be nice. | ||
| That'd be a fun run, though. | ||
| Just destroy everything around you? | ||
| In the pond all day? | ||
| Yeah, even the crocodiles get the fuck out of the hippos. | ||
| Leave them alone. | ||
| Yeah, they'll jack a crocodile. | ||
| Fuck them up. | ||
| They just break them in half. | ||
| All those African safari things where they go down the river and the hippo's like, oh, we're going for it. | ||
| Yeah, when the hippo's in the water chasing a boat, it's the scariest. | ||
| They're so fast. | ||
| They have no mercy. | ||
| You can't believe how fast they are. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| Yeah, and how big it is coming out of it. | ||
| Like it's got a motor in its asshole. | ||
| It's using that fucking tail. | ||
| That tiny tail. | ||
| It's a little rudder. | ||
| Bro, they're moving so fast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever seen it? | ||
| How did it go? | ||
| No, I've never seen it. | ||
| Let me see it. | ||
| Well, they're smooth. | ||
| They're hairline. | ||
| It's bizarre how fast it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do they go that fast? | |
| All they got is a butt. | ||
| It's all fat. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Look at that fucking guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's going to pick up speed, too. | ||
| It's like Lizzo headed to a buffet. | ||
| If you were running away from that, that would be a problem. | ||
| If you had to run away from that, that's a problem. | ||
| That's like a person running really fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that thing moving! | |
| Holy shit! | ||
| It's like Star Jones! | ||
| By the way, it's not even getting tired. | ||
| The mouth isn't even open. | ||
| Show the hippo chasing the boat. | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| Whoa, he's cute! | ||
| He's so big, dude. | ||
| So watch, they start moving. | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| They're just filming it. | ||
| It's fucking coming after him, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at it. | |
| Shoot that motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, shoot it. | ||
| Shoot it dead. | ||
| Yeah, kill that motherfucker. | ||
| Who's filming? | ||
| That is a monster. | ||
| Look at that monster. | ||
| Your iPhone was worthless in this fight. | ||
| That's such a fucking monster. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What is this, in Tampa? | ||
| Where is he? | ||
| Where is he? | ||
| There he is! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Holy shit, they're quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta pick up the motor. | |
| It actually does not look that fast in that video. | ||
| It might be Lake Chad. | ||
| He stopped in that one. | ||
| There's some other ones where they're actually chasing a boat. | ||
| I think they take boats out every now and then too. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| And then chomp, chomp, chomp. | ||
| They can move. | ||
| I mean, they're running for sure. | ||
| How are they in the water? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like big pig, cow, whales. | |
| The other one's like, you got it. | ||
| You got it right? | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Wow, Africa freak. | ||
| This is my screen name. | ||
| Ugh, I hate these narrated videos. | ||
| Whoa, they can dive like that! | ||
| Wow, they do the butterfly stroke. | ||
| That's like a dolphin. | ||
| Yeah, they're whales. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Do they have a blowhole? | ||
| No, they just have nostrils. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Jamie, I've never felt more let down, dude. | ||
| How do you not find Hippo chasing boats? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Ouch. | ||
| He got that. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| I'm just fucking. | ||
| J-Mo. | ||
| Give that guy another eagle. | ||
| J-Mo. | ||
| I think you found it. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| No, there's a better one. | ||
| There's another one. | ||
| Ooh, I like this one. | ||
| They got cute ears. | ||
| That might be the one. | ||
| Bro, I think they chase after boats a lot. | ||
| Are we talking Lake Chad? | ||
| The one that was jumping up and down was the one that freaked me out. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I didn't know they could do that. | ||
| Because that's like dolphin-type movements. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They can pick up probably a lot of speed doing that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yikes! | ||
| You ever see Swamp Tours? | ||
| Or, uh, Swamp People? | ||
| Yeah, that's the one! | ||
| Look at that fucking thing! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Look at that fucking thing! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| That's how we were done. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| No, Jamie, you did great. | ||
| Yes, dude. | ||
| Played the fucking Coastal Carolina coach. | ||
| Jamie's throwing a fucking shot like a man. | ||
| Played the Coastal Carolina coach. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| We might have done it on here before. | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
| This guy, he's like, we got too many cats on the team. | ||
| We need more dogs. | ||
| We got guys looking in the mirror like, oh, I look pretty. | ||
| I look pretty. | ||
| We need more dogs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trying to get our two boys ready to carry them to the golf tournament. | |
| That's right. | ||
| Twelve cats live across the road. | ||
| Our door's open. | ||
| Screen's broke. | ||
| We need to get a new screen door, but the screen's broke. | ||
| So you come in through the screen, but you can't get back out of it. | ||
| I turn and look, there's a little kitty cat in our kitchen. | ||
| So I said, what are you doing in here, little kitty cat? | ||
| By that time, the cat turns, tries to get back out. | ||
| That screen won't go that way. | ||
| Cat starts going All crazy I told our players We need more dogs Bo's barking in the back I have to go shut Bo up It's kind of a Hitler What's going on? | ||
| I said, is the cat in the house? | ||
| Is the cat in the house? | ||
| I said, yeah, is the cat in the house? | ||
| He's on the verge of Hitler. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's on coke, for sure. | ||
| It's good to meet Theo Vaughn's dad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I look good. | |
| I got my extra bands on. | ||
| I got my other shoes. | ||
| I'll be a dog. | ||
| Chanticleer pride. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shout out to Chanticleers. | |
| We need more dogs. | ||
| We need more dogs. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| He's not lying. | ||
| If he's a football coach, he's not lying. | ||
| No more cats. | ||
| You need people to get after it. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Deion Sanders had a good speech. | ||
| He's a cat man. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's recruiting cats. | ||
| What? | ||
| I thought he was killing a hat. | ||
| Recruiting King. | ||
| His son's a fucking quarterback that can throw. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| All he did was run. | ||
| What he's talking about is dogs. | ||
| You ever seen Dwayne Wade's son? | ||
| He's talking about no wristbands, no swag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dogs. | |
| Dwayne Wade's son? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cat. | ||
| That's a big cat. | ||
| That's a big cat. | ||
| But anyway, that was fun. | ||
| Anywho, you keep it warm in here. | ||
| 74? | ||
| If my hotel room was at 74, I'd... | ||
| That's the temperature. | ||
| That's outside. | ||
| It's hot as shit in here, dude. | ||
| I told you it was hot. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| Just went up to 75. Is that real? | ||
| That's Nation Maine. | ||
| 71. Alright. | ||
| It's 105 degrees outside. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It is hot as fuck outside. | ||
| That sucks, dude. | ||
| I'm moving here and that sucks. | ||
| Is that official? | ||
| Because it's September. | ||
| It's already a weekend of September. | ||
| Yeah, it's official. | ||
| I think it's cool. | ||
| We could have a great time here. | ||
| Yeah, listen. | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
| Get in the sauna. | ||
| The heat is nothing. | ||
| I'm not going to get in the sauna. | ||
| I'm not going to get hotter. | ||
| People get mad about the heat. | ||
| I'm like, it's just hot. | ||
| It's just hot. | ||
| It's pretty relaxed. | ||
| It's pretty dry. | ||
| I shoot arrows out in the heat three hours a day sometimes. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| Me and Egan went to see the Pixies out in the Coliseum here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Impicator. | ||
| You guys kissed. | ||
| Hottest day. | ||
| We did kiss. | ||
| Besides the story. | ||
| Yeah, we did kiss, but that's not the story. | ||
| We kissed. | ||
| We hard. | ||
| It was the hottest city on earth here for two days. | ||
| Hottest city on earth. | ||
| I think we did. | ||
| Yeah, we kissed. | ||
| We hard. | ||
| This was the hottest city on earth? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When? | ||
| Two days when the Pixies played. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it was Arizona. | |
| How long ago was this? | ||
| June. | ||
| Of this year? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| No. | ||
| Death Valley gets way hotter. | ||
| City. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's not a city. | ||
| Phoenix. | ||
| Don't point at him and look away like that, dude. | ||
| That's so disrespectful and rude. | ||
| It wasn't that day. | ||
| Phoenix is hot. | ||
| But Phoenix. | ||
| Oh, the hottest in the country that day. | ||
| In the world. | ||
| In the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The world. | |
| Hottest city in the world. | ||
| More than Istanbul. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| It was 112 that day. | ||
| No city was hotter. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| Somalia. | ||
| It was 112? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| It became below 100 at like 9.45pm. | ||
| This is when I go into my climate change is not real rant. | ||
| Oh shit! | ||
| Why? | ||
| It seems like the opposite. | ||
| The climate change is real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm interested. | ||
| I'm interested in both sides. | ||
| Turns out science can be wrong a little bit sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've seen all of that. | ||
| But that's alright. | ||
| You know what someone scared me though? | ||
| They said that the real scary thing is global cooling. | ||
| What? | ||
| Global warming's scary, but global cooling. | ||
| That got me, bro. | ||
| That's when everybody dies. | ||
| What do you mean global cooling? | ||
| Yeah, cold is still killing you. | ||
| Ice age. | ||
| Like a real ice age. | ||
| It's way scarier than everything getting hot. | ||
| Wait, but is that... | ||
| What's happening now? | ||
| Mitch McConnell keeps freezing. | ||
| Listen, it's all dependent upon who you talk to. | ||
| Because at some point in Earth's history, there were no polarized caps. | ||
| But now there is. | ||
| And now there's, you know, Greenland. | ||
| There's no polarized lenses, but we got them. | ||
| Things change, you know? | ||
| The shit shifts. | ||
| That's the thing about the whole climate thing. | ||
| It's just like it's never steady. | ||
| It's never like the climate's always gonna be this. | ||
| It's like gender. | ||
| It's fluid. | ||
| It's fluid. | ||
| It's like never in the history of the earth been steady. | ||
| It's always done this. | ||
| If you look at charts and graphs, the question is like how much are people influencing it? | ||
| But the real problem is... | ||
| I think it's pretty clear, right? | ||
| It's pretty clear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Humans are definitely off China and India. | |
| Also, it's greener now than it's ever been before. | ||
| What do you mean greener? | ||
| That's true because it's warmer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean greener? | |
| It's because it's warmer. | ||
| There's more green. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| More jungle. | ||
| More rainforest. | ||
| That's like a kind of like a... | ||
| Don't get involved, you fucking liberal. | ||
| I got one for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fucking liberal. | |
| Let's see it. | ||
| Do you know there's more trees? | ||
| The thing I heard was there's more trees in Canada than there are stars in the galaxy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What? | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
| Why do you think it's incorrect? | ||
| Because it's infinite in the galaxy? | ||
| No, not the universe. | ||
| I don't know the difference. | ||
| Well, the difference is 200 billion stars. | ||
| What are you, the dumbest guy of all time? | ||
| Canada doesn't even have the most trees. | ||
| Canada has 200 billion trees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole world, I mean the whole existence. | |
| What's that called? | ||
| Hold on, say that again, Jamie. | ||
| 318 billion trees. | ||
| 318 billion trees in Canada. | ||
| Well, nobody lives up north. | ||
| They do. | ||
| There's over 650 billion in Russia. | ||
| Shout out Saskatoon! | ||
| I'm going to go ahead and say nobody actually counted those. | ||
| Did you hear what he said? | ||
| 650 billion in Russia? | ||
| Manitoba. | ||
| Again, Russia has the bigger numbers. | ||
| Most bears, Russia. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| A lot of land mass out there. | ||
| 318 billion trees. | ||
| And worry about Brazil. | ||
| We need those trees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trees cover 40% of the country. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Canada's forests account for 30% of the world's forests. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I didn't know the Canucks had the trees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
30% of the world's forests in Canada. | |
| That's insane. | ||
| Canada's huge, dude. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| There's more people in California than Canada. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fun fact. | ||
| The country's gigantic. | ||
| Huge country. | ||
| Most of it's unlivable. | ||
| Unlivable. | ||
| Yeah, it's freezing. | ||
| The tundra! | ||
| Don't be a pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please don't. | |
| Go up there, dude. | ||
| Go on alone. | ||
| Go if you care so much. | ||
| Good show. | ||
| You won't. | ||
| Go camp. | ||
| Joe, you should go on alone. | ||
| Russia! | ||
| Look at that tree. | ||
| I'm not interested in being alone. | ||
| I have no interest in being alone. | ||
| 650 billion trees in Russia? | ||
| Well, Russia's gigantic. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| 641 billion, 607 thousand. | ||
| Brazil's got hella. | ||
| What's that country in the middle of Africa? | ||
| They got a lot. | ||
| What is that one down there? | ||
| The Congo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Congo! | |
| That's where Black Panther's from. | ||
| Good dance. | ||
| That's Congo. | ||
| Oh, 318. What's that island in Canada off Alaska? | ||
| What? | ||
| Island off Alaska. | ||
| What does the Amazon have, Jamie? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What's in the Amazon? | ||
| 300 million. | ||
| Oh, they're close. | ||
| They're coming up. | ||
| Russia has more trees than the Amazon. | ||
| Have you guys ever seen that documentary, Happy People, Life in the Taiga? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Oh my god, it's a fucking amazing Werner Herzog documentary about people who live in Siberia. | ||
| I will not show you the tape of him getting killed. | ||
| Yeah, he didn't have the tape. | ||
| He only had the recording. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He only had the recording. | ||
| Oh my god, this is horrible. | ||
| Destroy this. | ||
| Destroy this. | ||
| No one should see this. | ||
| The greatest unintentional comedy in the history of the world. | ||
| The grizzly man? | ||
| The greatest unintentional comedy of all time. | ||
| Hey, just hug wild bears. | ||
| Your life will be great. | ||
| Oh, seven in. | ||
| I see the mistake. | ||
| That guy was gay, right? | ||
| So gay. | ||
| He loves bears. | ||
| Well, he was saying he wasn't. | ||
| So he's walking around with a camera going, I'm not gay. | ||
| If I was gay, it would be so easy. | ||
| You'd find a guy, but I'm not gay. | ||
| That's not something not gay people do. | ||
| There's a fox that steals his hat. | ||
| It's a very, very funny moment. | ||
| He goes from like, this is cute, and then he gets really mad. | ||
| Hey, Shadow, that's my hat! | ||
| He's just a gay guy screaming at a fox in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| The fox stole his hat and took it into his den, and he can't get it. | ||
| Yes, that's a good fox. | ||
| But it's funny that the fox became like his friend, like legitimately like a dog, man. | ||
| Cute. | ||
| There it is, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing to that hat? | |
| It's his pirate's hat. | ||
| He's like, that's mine, bitch. | ||
| Shout out to the pirates. | ||
| See, that fox has no idea what possession is. | ||
| This is his now. | ||
| So he doesn't think that's his hat. | ||
| He's like, that's my hat, motherfucker. | ||
| I just found it. | ||
| So when this dude is trying to take it back... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, who's stealing that hat? | |
| Hey, who's stealing that damn hat? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He gets so upset. | |
| What are you doing with that hat? | ||
| What are you doing with that hat? | ||
| That hat is a very important hat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now he's serious. | |
| Oh, God damn it. | ||
| Ghost! | ||
| Ghost, that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's that fucking hat? | |
| It's so freaking valuable for this trip. | ||
| Ghost, you come back here with that freaking hat. | ||
| You gave it to a wild dog, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ghost, where's that hat? | |
| It's not okay for you to steal it Nah Oh man Oh man South Parky And you think this is the worst part of your trip That dude is never getting that out. | ||
| Oh, it's gonna get bad. | ||
| Get ready, brother. | ||
| Although, maybe he wasn't gay. | ||
| Didn't he have a babe with him when he got fucking munched? | ||
| And she was probably super confused. | ||
| He was calling in babes, and he was like, yo, check this shit out. | ||
| Yeah, he had a lady with him, and she got killed too. | ||
| She got killed? | ||
| Oh, I thought she got out. | ||
| She got killed, too. | ||
| She was apparently on video, or, you know, the lens cap was on it, but it was running, and she was apparently, like, hitting the bear with, like, a frying pan. | ||
| You understand, like, they're so big. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| Frying pan. | ||
| These are enormous bears. | ||
| It's like a cartoon. | ||
| I mean, she, and they killed, apparently the video is, the audio, rather, is really long. | ||
| I've heard one, but I thought it was fake. | ||
| Many, many minutes long. | ||
| It was fake, right? | ||
| There's a fake audio that's out there, but the real one is apparently pretty long. | ||
| Have you ever had Warner Bros. | ||
| again? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| I would, though. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| Great voice. | ||
| Yeah, this is the ladies playing it for him. | ||
| This is his ex-girlfriend playing it for him. | ||
| That's her. | ||
| That's his ex-girlfriend. | ||
| So this is a different ex-girlfriend. | ||
| Not the one who got killed. | ||
| Is this real, Jamie? | ||
| Yeah, this is in the documentary. | ||
| So she's playing it for him, and I don't even know if she had ever listened to it. | ||
| Just give me a taste. | ||
| Just a taste. | ||
| No, they're not going to hear you. | ||
| They're just like him hearing it. | ||
| Yeah, but it's... | ||
| That's heavy. | ||
| It's a heavy movie, but it's also hilarious. | ||
| It's so funny at the same time. | ||
| It's very funny. | ||
| It's just so crazy that this guy thought he could live with bears. | ||
| He's just like, hey dude, you're food. | ||
| I love how this lady's legacy is the dude she dumped because he was gay. | ||
| She was like, that's not who my personality is. | ||
| I used to date him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'm fucked up, dude. | ||
| The human ego is so weird. | ||
| Ego is not your amigo. | ||
| It was for you. | ||
| I'll do the next one. | ||
| You guys have so many. | ||
| Ari, how many have you had? | ||
| Are those all yours? | ||
| You've had, what, one? | ||
| You're here slacking. | ||
| I am slacking. | ||
| Come on, Jojo Rabbit. | ||
| Get up, baby! | ||
| Terrence, dude, we're done fucking around. | ||
| Terrence, stop already. | ||
| Terrence, could you guys cut it out? | ||
| We're over here trying to have fun, dude. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| Dude, Rogan's on the scene. | ||
| Stop fucking with us. | ||
| Sorry about CIA, dude. | ||
| That's not us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not us? | |
| We're mostly cool. | ||
| Most of us are chill, dude. | ||
| Stop already, terrorists. | ||
| Russia, Ukraine, cut it the fuck out, dude. | ||
| What's your guys' problems? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Enough's enough. | ||
| We're trying to have fun over here, people. | ||
| We're trying to chill, dude. | ||
| Things are just starting to get good. | ||
| Get Maui back. | ||
| Maui's coming back. | ||
| What are they going to do? | ||
| It's coming back. | ||
| Maui will be back, dude. | ||
| American spirit. | ||
| Maui will be back. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Don't fuck with the Maoris. | ||
| What do you think they're going to do with all that situation with people's land there? | ||
| Give it to Oprah? | ||
| Fires will come in. | ||
| I think that's the right move. | ||
| She had property. | ||
| Untouched by the space laser. | ||
| Oh, Uncle Laser. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Harry's uncle. | ||
| No, I think it's a pretty serious tragedy. | ||
| Yeah, for real. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| It was crazy how fast. | ||
| You watch those videos? | ||
| Don't play that. | ||
| I thought Mark was getting ready to take it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right, fine. | |
| I'll shut off about real tragedies. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Go, Mark. | ||
| Chug that freezing cold beer. | ||
| Bong it. | ||
| America! | ||
| Wait, don't focus on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it for the troops, dude. | |
| Don't focus on me. | ||
| Do it for the troops, otherwise Russia wins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't focus on you? | |
| Russian troops. | ||
| Russia's going to win if you don't do that. | ||
| Come on, you have to do it in one shot, or you hate Ukraine. | ||
| You love Russia? | ||
| Like the road. | ||
| Don't be a communist. | ||
| Hurry up, you pussy. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Quick before the song runs out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember Blackrock? | |
| If the song runs out, run straight up. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Mark Norman! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mark Norman Green Black? | |
| Nice, Marcus. | ||
| Yes, Marcus. | ||
| Marcus! | ||
| You gotta open it. | ||
| Marcus. | ||
| Open the throat. | ||
| How much is left in this? | ||
| I don't want to pour it. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| How much is left? | ||
| A little swig. | ||
| A little swig, but may as well do it if you're gonna do it, though. | ||
| I thought I had it, sorry. | ||
| Don't give me one, no pressure. | ||
| Those last few seconds were hard. | ||
| It's so cold, it hurts your teeth. | ||
| It's so cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Sorry, I'll do another one. | ||
| Oh, we do it for the troops. | ||
| For the troops. | ||
| It's all for the troops. | ||
| Al-Qaeda. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| J-Mo, don't get me started. | ||
| You're up next there, Dickless. | ||
| Greatest guitar solo of all time. | ||
| This? | ||
| No diggity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This? | ||
| Can you back it up? | ||
| Greatest guitar solo of all time. | ||
| You know where it comes. | ||
| In the running. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a video titled, The Only the Best Part of Freebird. | |
| This video. | ||
| It's true, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| It gets to this point. | ||
| He's like, let's run. | ||
| We're a couple of fucked up white guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Freebird, yeah. | |
| From Florida. | ||
| Like, run, bro. | ||
| No. | ||
| The greatest thing to ever come out of Florida. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're from Florida? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're Bama. | ||
| More than Limp Bizkit? | ||
| No. | ||
| Jacksonville. | ||
| They're from Jacksonville, Florida. | ||
| Jackson-Bama. | ||
| Jackson-Bama. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| This is the greatest guitar solo ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is insane. | ||
| It's rules. | ||
| Still holds up. | ||
| No one plays instruments anymore. | ||
| Except for Oliver Anthony. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| This is guys having fun, dude. | ||
| This is the United States of America, dude. | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Put it right in my ass. | ||
| Russia, cut it out. | ||
| Enough's enough. | ||
| Putin. | ||
| Russia, we're done fucking around, dude. | ||
| Cut it out. | ||
| We're sick of this war. | ||
| Knock it off, dude. | ||
| Joe Biden, get your old ass out of the way, dude. | ||
| We're sick of fucking shit up. | ||
| Deal with your own. | ||
| Notre Dame, dude, win a national title, dude, fuck! | ||
| Go Saints! | ||
| Fuck this Clemson communist shit! | ||
| Vivek! | ||
| Dude, how fun could you guys be if Notre Dame won a national title? | ||
| Hershey PA, October 13th, come on out! | ||
| Come on, man, this is insane! | ||
| Still going, it's gotta hurt the fingers! | ||
| It's just starting. | ||
| It's just starting. | ||
| It's not even half over. | ||
| This might have been going through Grizzly Man's head at the end. | ||
| Wow, that rips. | ||
| This guy got laid. | ||
| Wait for it. | ||
| Wait for it. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| How much of this can we play? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| These guys died in a plane crash. | ||
| Some of them did. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| Wow. | ||
| Still going. | ||
| This guy's in the zone. | ||
| Shredding! | ||
| Look at us dude! | ||
| Look at us! | ||
| Just a couple of honkies bopping! | ||
| Honky's bopping, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn, this is good. | |
| They just let him run. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| I'm back to fucking shit. | ||
| It's one of the only songs ever. | ||
| Oh, what a fucking fat chick. | ||
| Where the music is better than the song. | ||
| Who needs the lyrics? | ||
| I like auto-tune myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy! | |
| Alright, yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| What is that, eight minutes? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Goddamn! | ||
| The rest of the banners just step back. | ||
| Like, let them go. | ||
| Jesus, this guitar's got smoke coming off of it. | ||
| Just imagine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's almost over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| I hope not. | ||
| Ride into the sunset. | ||
| Till the wheels come off. | ||
| Goddamn, this is good. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what's fun? | |
| Introducing black people to Freebird. | ||
| He's still going. | ||
| We'll be in the car now, it's in. | ||
| You show your black friends this song. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| God damn, I didn't know you guys had this in you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just imagine being the Rolling Stones. | |
| Everybody likes that song. | ||
| Imagine being the Rolling Stones, you gotta follow these guys. | ||
| And you're like, oh fuck. | ||
| And they went out on the tongue. | ||
| They weren't supposed to go out on the tongue, and they're like, fuck this, we're going out on the tongue. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| They had to follow this? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The Rolling Stones. | ||
| Had to follow what? | ||
| Leonard Skinner opened for the Rolling Stones. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, this is it. | ||
| Holy shit, it's like when Mark Horne... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't go on the tongue. | |
| What's the tongue? | ||
| Play this so we can hear it. | ||
| Oh, the tongue! | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What was the order? | ||
| They had an order, don't walk on the tongue. | ||
| This is some British motherfuckers. | ||
| Limeys. | ||
| These motherfuckers going off. | ||
| They're all over that tongue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They broke their only rule. | ||
| Don't go out on the tongue. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, they're feeling it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| Yeah, take that, you British coach. | ||
| Just play in the back. | ||
| Don't do the tongue. | ||
| We can't reset the stage. | ||
| Rolling Stones following James Brown. | ||
| James Brown when he watched that one, right? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He says, welcome to America, motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he? | |
| When he got off stage to them. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, you know that story. | ||
| You know that story. | ||
| James Brown goes, hey, we got you. | ||
| Nobody follows me. | ||
| You got you and then the Rolling Stones. | ||
| He goes, no, I'm last. | ||
| I'm James Brown. | ||
| And he goes, well, that's not the order we have. | ||
| It's somebody huge, then you, then the Rolling Stones. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| I'm leaving. | ||
| Fuck, goodbye. | ||
| He gets down the block, and he comes back, and he goes, actually, you know what? | ||
| Let the Rolling Stones go after me. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Let's do that. | ||
| And then he went nuts. | ||
| And he's like, I'll put it on the show I've ever put on my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then he goes, follow that, motherfuckers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Dude, I saw the killers in Delaware. | ||
| Saw the killers in Delaware? | ||
| You're talking about James Brown, the Rolling Stones? | ||
| They went on second to last, and they were like, do that. | ||
| Oh, there he is. | ||
| Is this it right here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Let me give us... | ||
| Here we go for this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is... | |
| It's literally, it's comical. | ||
| I skipped through it, yeah. | ||
| He's doing push-ups. | ||
| Is this him leaving? | ||
| No, he keeps pretending to leave. | ||
| Oh my goodness, who's that? | ||
| These crackers are nervous. | ||
| No, wait, go back. | ||
| Because the Rolling Stones actually kill also. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how good they are. | |
| Oh, he's bringing the heat. | ||
| Look at those feet! | ||
| The shuffle! | ||
| You're just in the back. | ||
| You're some British guy in a sweater, turtleneck. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, this is amazing. | ||
| I mean, this is athleticism. | ||
| This isn't just, like, dancing. | ||
| Like, you have to learn how to do that. | ||
| Well, they're all on crank. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's on serious drugs. | |
| What were they on? | ||
| Coke? | ||
| Whatever they could find, bro. | ||
| Look at Hunter Biden. | ||
| Bro, look at his feet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Damn! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Bam! | ||
| There's one black lady. | ||
| Is that Michelle Obama? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| No, he wasn't there. | ||
| She was gacked, that lady. | ||
| That lady's entrenched. | ||
| She's entranced by James Brown. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's hypnotic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the best. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| He is the best. | ||
| Hey, Jamie, play the Zaire one. | ||
| Zaire? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When Ali fought George Foreman, James Brown opened up the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Thrilling Manila. | ||
| Oh my god, it was an extravaganza. | ||
| That was in Manila. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was in the Philippines. | |
| Fear and Zaire? | ||
| The beginning of the downfall of Hunter Thompson. | ||
| Like you said, Fear and Zaire. | ||
| Because Hunter Thompson went there and didn't want to watch Muhammad Ali get beat up. | ||
| And so he stayed in his hotel and just drank and floated around in the pool with a Nixon mask on. | ||
| And he didn't even realize that he missed... | ||
| He got sent over there by Rolling Stones and missed the greatest... | ||
| Yeah, but he come back over to watch the Bunker motorcycle rally. | ||
| He didn't do that either. | ||
| Yeah, but this was important. | ||
| What a horrible hang. | ||
| This is James Brown live inside. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This man will make your bladder splatter. | |
| Who's this guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This man will free me. | |
| If you will, let's all welcome the world's guard for the cold. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Damn. | ||
| For a boxing fight. | ||
| Watch this shit, son. | ||
| What an outfit. | ||
| Zanzibar, motherfucker. | ||
| Look at that stache on this guy. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Right into it, baby. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Why even wear the outfit out there? | ||
| Great head of hair. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| With the mic in the stand, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Godfather of Soul. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Goddamn, he was good! | ||
| Zaire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Damn. - Don't do it no damn feet! | ||
| He's built like a running back, dude. | ||
| He's thick, dude. | ||
| He's so athletic and thick. | ||
| You had to be an athlete to do what he does on stage. | ||
| Crank. | ||
| Just the movement. | ||
| Crank. | ||
| I mean, that's a lot of fucking... | ||
| That's a lot of cranks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a man's world. | |
| Look at him. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| It's funky. | ||
| Imagine that's the opening for a fight. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| It's not like Sinead doing one song. | ||
| Right! | ||
| I mean, this is James Brown opening for the... | ||
| This is Rope-A-Dope. | ||
| I mean, James Brown opens for Rope-A-Dope. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Everybody thought Ali was going to get killed. | ||
| George Foreman was a destroyer. | ||
| Royer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was just flatlining people. | ||
| You just couldn't stop him. | ||
| He just moved forward and just mowed you over with body punches. | ||
| He was huge. | ||
| He was so scary. | ||
| George was so... | ||
| He knocked out Joe Frazier. | ||
| It was like he lifted him up in the air when he knocked him out. | ||
| But then Frazier got beat up by... | ||
| Oh, this is when Jason Brown was crying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, here we go. | |
| This is amazing. | ||
| A sex machine, baby. | ||
| He's yacked up. | ||
| He's trying to fuck this lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| Huh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| No idea what to do. | ||
| Nothing wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing wrong at all. | |
| You're not in any difficulty, but you're out on bond. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have all the charges been dropped? | |
| Yeah, I'm out on love. | ||
| Well, are you out on love or out of love? | ||
| Which is it? | ||
| Out on love. | ||
| How long from night to night you'll find me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's amazing. | |
| Let's talk about some music. | ||
| You want to talk about music and you don't want to talk about what happened. | ||
| Well, let's talk about your tour. | ||
| When are you leaving? | ||
| We're leaving tomorrow. | ||
| Go to Rio de Janeiro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rio de Janeiro and San Paolo. | |
| Your fans will have read all about this, James. | ||
| Aren't you concerned about that? | ||
| I'm concerned because there's nothing wrong. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that guy's... | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| He's yacked up. | ||
| I've never been that high. | ||
| He looks like he's having a good fucking time. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| She's talking about, like, allegations of, like, what is it, domestic violence? | ||
| I think it's domestic violence. | ||
| He's like, nah, that's bullshit, baby. | ||
| Bro, do you remember when he got arrested because someone was using his toilet and he chased him with a fucking shotgun? | ||
| No! | ||
| And then he had a shootout with the cops? | ||
| The fucking cops chased him down, they shot his tires out? | ||
| Cops shot his tires out, bro! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| That was a good time. | ||
| I don't think he shot at the cops. | ||
| I shouldn't say a shootout with the cops, but the cops definitely shot his tires. | ||
| People still part like Richard Pryor shot his own fucking car. | ||
| Because his wife tried to leave. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| He had a whole bit about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| That was like the slap with Chris Rock, because it was all over the news. | ||
| They shout out two of his tires and he drove on the rims for six miles. | ||
| High-speed chase through Georgia and South Carolina. | ||
| He tried to ram police cars with his pickup truck. | ||
| That's when that interview was from 88, so it was the same thing. | ||
| It was the same year? | ||
| Because of that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's like, who's out on that? | |
| That was nothing. | ||
| I'm out of love. | ||
| I can't believe he got out. | ||
| You ran police cars? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| He got out of there. | ||
| Good lawyers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Different times. | |
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| No, that was later that year. | ||
| Are you going back in after that interview? | ||
| After the interview? | ||
| Yeah, hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me see. | |
| He learned nothing. | ||
| The interview says April 4th, 1988, and our arrest says on this day, December 15th, 1988. He began serving a sentence then. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| How long did he do? | ||
| So he got mad because someone used his shitter. | ||
| That's what it all started from. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He had a personal bathroom. | ||
| Someone took a shit in it. | ||
| He got super mad. | ||
| He just kept going. | ||
| Think of being that guy. | ||
| I just had a jump, dude. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that was the origin of it. | ||
| Think of being that guy. | ||
| You're around James Brown. | ||
| You've been around famous people. | ||
| Fuck, I don't want to piss him off. | ||
| I don't want to piss him off. | ||
| Goddamn, I gotta take a shit. | ||
| There's no way he's going to be mad about this. | ||
| He's not using the magic. | ||
| Shotgun gets on a high-speed chase. | ||
| Bro, could you imagine? | ||
| Chipotle. | ||
| Imagine Burt Kreischer's shit in James Brown's toilet, which he definitely would do. | ||
| Yeah, you have to. | ||
| Oh, fuck, we're putting it with James Brown! | ||
| Oh my god, I gotta take a shit. | ||
| And then he would come out, oh my god, I took a shit. | ||
| And James Brown would be like, wah, wah, wah, wah. | ||
| DCP habit. | ||
| What is a habit and what is you just enjoy it? | ||
| He's just trying to get through the day. | ||
| They're framing it this way. | ||
| Strangers were using his bathroom. | ||
| I can see that bathroom. | ||
| Waving a shotgun. | ||
| How are strangers using it? | ||
| Strangers were using his bathroom. | ||
| The police arrived. | ||
| Brown led them on a high-speed chase. | ||
| From Georgia and South Carolina. | ||
| He was like, I'm going past that line. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Taking PCP and someone takes a dump in your toilet and you got a gun? | ||
| You're gonna stand your ground. | ||
| Oh, Brown went to jail at age 15 for breaking into cars. | ||
| Nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He sang in the prison choir and started a band when he got out. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| This is when rock stars were rock stars. | ||
| Oh, bro, he was the rockiest of rock stars, man. | ||
| He rules. | ||
| He was such a bad motherfucker. | ||
| The movie wasn't bad about him. | ||
| The guy killed it, the actor. | ||
| Who? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| Who's done the best, like, biopic of a famous musician? | ||
| Joaquin Phoenix? | ||
| Val Kilmer, Doors. | ||
| Oh, that was a good one. | ||
| That was cool. | ||
| He actually kind of went a little crazy during the film. | ||
| Walk the Line was pretty good. | ||
| Walk the Line was pretty great. | ||
| Yeah, that was good. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I don't think there's a number one. | ||
| Because that is Walk the Line. | ||
| It's pretty fucking amazing. | ||
| Back to the Future. | ||
| Dewey Cox. | ||
| Dewey Cox rules. | ||
| Yeah, who else? | ||
| Someone's cutting hands. | ||
| Who else was there? | ||
| Big English, Doc. | ||
| We ain't scientists. | ||
| What else was there? | ||
| Val Kilmer fucking killed it. | ||
| He did kill it. | ||
| Jim Morrison though. | ||
| Jim Morrison sucked. | ||
| As a human. | ||
| As a human. | ||
| What do you know about? | ||
| As a human, he's so annoying. | ||
| It's like, okay, it's deep, but it's like, oh my god, can you imagine being around that guy? | ||
| Pretentious. | ||
| But also... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| You want to hang out with that guy? | ||
| But also... | ||
| This is the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was 27. Good point. | |
| He was 27 in 1969. Nobody knew anything. | ||
| We were all moonbeams in the sun of the horizon. | ||
| Everybody was guessing. | ||
| Couldn't get it up. | ||
| Yeah, that does suck. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| Can we just drink? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We are all temporal in this plane of humanity. | |
| I'll tell you who killed it was Jim Carrey as Kaufman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was pretty impressive. | ||
| Not a musician. | ||
| Another guy who kind of went a little crazy doing a role. | ||
| A little. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, how good is that Chappelle joke? | ||
| What? | ||
| Ah, never mind. | ||
| Say it! | ||
| I don't want to ruin the joke. | ||
| Can you edit this out? | ||
| No, don't. | ||
| We'll talk about it afterwards. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Remember it. | ||
| Oh, it's a new bit. | ||
| The biopic is tricky, because did they really fucking say that? | ||
| Do you know if they said that for sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| A biopic. | ||
| Like, how do I know what he said? | ||
| But that was not a musician. | ||
| But again, we don't know if he was actually like that. | ||
| He looked exactly like that, though. | ||
| Good job, fucking Daniel Day-Lewis. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's an Irish Catholic actor. | ||
| He's the only guy that I've ever seen. | ||
| Ain't no Scientologist. | ||
| Ain't no goddamn fucking Buddhist. | ||
| He's just a good Catholic. | ||
| There is no Daniel Day-Lewis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm talking about, Jamie? | |
| That's a good Irish man. | ||
| Jamie, speak up, boy. | ||
| Don't just sit back there smiling. | ||
| He was the best boxer ever, actor-turned-boxer for a movie. | ||
| He looked like a real boxer. | ||
| He spent a whole year training at a legit boxing job. | ||
| See, that's the thing. | ||
| You know fighting. | ||
| When you watch Rocky, it's comical. | ||
| If I watch a football movie, it destroys me. | ||
| Or a comedy movie. | ||
| A comedy movie? | ||
| Like, there's no lockers. | ||
| We don't have lockers. | ||
| Actually, we were thinking about putting in lockers at the mothership. | ||
| It's not a bad idea. | ||
| I mean, you should, but there were none. | ||
| Hurt Locker. | ||
| Yeah, let the door guys have lockers. | ||
| Let them put their shirt in there. | ||
| We do have lockers for those guys. | ||
| Oh yeah, leave some scars in there or some cigarettes or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Stuff like that. | ||
| Some weed. | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| Some need of cocaine. | ||
| For me, it's pool. | ||
| When people pretend they can play pool, it drives me fucking crazy. | ||
| Color Money's okay, because Tom Cruise is... | ||
| Look, the guy's amazing. | ||
| Tom Cruise rules. | ||
| Tom Cruise is a wizard. | ||
| He doesn't really look like a pool player, but he kind of does. | ||
| It's enough where it's not offensive, but Paul Newman was a little offensive. | ||
| White men can't jump? | ||
| Both Woody and Denzel were fucking... | ||
| They can play. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| Basketball's another one. | ||
| You see a guy shoot a jumper, you're like, this is terrible. | ||
| I would imagine if like... | ||
| Did you ever see Will Ferrell in that whatever? | ||
| Pew, pew. | ||
| But yeah, Rocky, you see him swing, and there's like a foot and a half between him and the guy. | ||
| It's also just nothing but haymakers to the face. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Pull up Daniel Day-Lewis in The Boxer. | ||
| It's pretty impressive. | ||
| I've never heard of The Boxer. | ||
| You've never heard of The Boxer? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's about an IRA guy, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's like, when you watch the film, he looks like a real boxer. | ||
| And he wasn't. | ||
| The fucking guy just figured it out. | ||
| He's a gay actor. | ||
| Is he gay? | ||
| He's just following it all. | ||
| No, but actors are gay. | ||
| Daniel Gay. | ||
| If he was this good at acting. | ||
| Is there any boxing footage in this? | ||
| There it is. | ||
| 97. Underrated good-looking guy, Daniel Gay. | ||
| Michael Lewis. | ||
| So here's the... | ||
| So look, when you're watching this, this looks like a real boxing match. | ||
| Really? | ||
| From the 50s? | ||
| No, no, it looks like big shit. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| It does. | ||
| He looks like a boxer. | ||
| I mean, obviously they're pulling their punches, but he looks like a real boxer. | ||
| He's using head movement. | ||
| He's not just wading in, throwing power punches. | ||
| They're ducking under. | ||
| This is legit. | ||
| It's a lot of action. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty good. | ||
| It's a lot of action. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that looks legit. | ||
| That looks legit to me. | ||
| That's like non-offensive. | ||
| It's a lot of action. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| There's not much stopping there. | ||
| But sometimes there's fights like that. | ||
| Every now and then a fight breaks out like that. | ||
| Especially like amateur fights in Ireland. | ||
| Yeah, I mean it's not going to be a lot of defense. | ||
| I'll beat your ass now, man. | ||
| Good days indeed. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think it was an amateur, but it was still... | ||
| Yeah, he did it well. | ||
| That's a legitimate scenario. | ||
| I've seen that happen in fights before. | ||
| Kevin Costner, that pitching movie was pretty shitty. | ||
| But as a golf, he was pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember Paul... | ||
| As a golf. | ||
| When did this go away? | ||
| Remember this? | ||
| Why did that go away? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can tell you if you want to know. | |
| Black people? | ||
| Yeah, let's hear it. | ||
| Because they didn't have gloves on. | ||
| And when you don't have gloves on, one of the things you realize really early on is that you break these knuckles when you swing wild punches and you catch people in their foreheads. | ||
| If you catch people in their foreheads, you're gonna fuck your fucking hands up. | ||
| Like, almost all the time. | ||
| So a lot of guys learned how to just kind of jab at you with these knuckles. | ||
| So they were hitting at each- No, no, this is the way you punched people. | ||
| They would jab at each other with these knuckles. | ||
| So they'd stand there like this and they'd jab at each other with these knuckles. | ||
| Because these knuckles can tolerate bones. | ||
| And these knuckles can't? | ||
| These knuckles break. | ||
| These over here break. | ||
| And which can? | ||
| These two. | ||
| These two right here. | ||
| If you're gonna break bricks. | ||
| If you're gonna break bricks. | ||
| These are the ones. | ||
| These are the ones. | ||
| Okay, breaking bricks. | ||
| I cracked this one once and I didn't even have to have surgery on it. | ||
| They're thick. | ||
| It's like a thick bone. | ||
| It'll heal up. | ||
| But a lot of guys, they break these down here. | ||
| They break this down here. | ||
| So what guys figured out how to do is to kind of jab each other with these bare knuckles. | ||
| And if you watch like bare knuckle boxing, Like, they're kind of doing that now a little bit. | ||
| They're tense up, and they're throwing big punches like a boxer, too, but they're also kind of jabbing each other every now and then with knuckles. | ||
| Because you want to catch them with just these front two. | ||
| Those are really your primary weapons in your hand. | ||
| If you hit someone right here with the pinky on the forehead, it's touch and go, man. | ||
| You could shatter your whole hand. | ||
| And then you have one hand. | ||
| That's why I stick to sleep. | ||
| This is a different story here because their hands are very wrapped, like their knuckles are covered, so their hands are protected. | ||
| What they're doing right here is a different thing. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| These guys have, like, some thick-ass hand wraps on. | ||
| You see when he's making his fist with his right hand? | ||
| See how thick that is? | ||
| That's a padding. | ||
| That'll allow you to punch harder. | ||
| See, this is the thing. | ||
| This is the rub against gloves. | ||
| That truly blows, dude. | ||
| Is that it's unrealistic. | ||
| That fucking blows. | ||
| Whatever that was. | ||
| Look how bloody he is, though. | ||
| Yeah, this is much more realistic. | ||
| So these guys have stings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow! | |
| Wait, play that back. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| He just walks away. | ||
| I love the walk away. | ||
| Look at the crip. | ||
| Oh, this is grease. | ||
| He's in the coffin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got stiffened up. | |
| That's a perfect punch. | ||
| Perfect Viagra. | ||
| This guy's stiff. | ||
| Rigamortis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Hachi machi! | ||
| So this is a different thing. | ||
| A black guy got over there and started wailing on us? | ||
| No, he's not black. | ||
| What? | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you're done. | |
| Samurai. | ||
| You're done, bro. | ||
| I don't see color. | ||
| It's over for you. | ||
| You're canceled. | ||
| Is he black? | ||
| I think he's an Ethiopian. | ||
| Bro, that guy fought with jeans on. | ||
| They pulled that guy off a horse and gave him a six pack. | ||
| Time to throw down, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The slap won't catch on. | |
| Bro, here's the crazy thing about the slap. | ||
| Will Smith, they fucking drug test those dudes. | ||
| They should never. | ||
| That's like drug testing snowboarders. | ||
| That's so dumb. | ||
| They're like, what are you doing? | ||
| They drug for everything. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Don't test for meth. | ||
| Let the boys do meth. | ||
| Let the boys do what they do. | ||
| It's sanctioned by the State Athletic Commission. | ||
| Dang. | ||
| They have to treat it like it's a sport. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| How? | ||
| What? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guys, it's joke fighting. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Let them do meth. | ||
| Let them get drunk. | ||
| None of us care about this. | ||
| Let them do a little PCP. Let's see. | ||
| Let's have a PCP fucking division. | ||
| They would let them be. | ||
| The guys only just fucking. | ||
| That would be fun. | ||
| This has to have been discussed before, but a drug by drug division? | ||
| Dermot drug. | ||
| Yeah, only drug champion. | ||
| The pot champion. | ||
| The cocaine champion. | ||
| The heroin one's gonna be real boring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could totally have a meth champion. | |
| Meth champion would be the one. | ||
| You have to do meth before the fights. | ||
| Maybe some angel dust. | ||
| Or PCP. That's the one. | ||
| It'd be Khabib every time. | ||
| It'd be Khabib McGregor every time. | ||
| He'd win and be like... | ||
| Palance allowed. | ||
| Next person. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of wild that we let people fight, but we don't let them fight on drugs. | ||
| Yeah, go for it. | ||
| Do whatever you want. | ||
| I mean, that would be like the ultimate freedom. | ||
| The ultimate freedom is you can fight on drugs. | ||
| Do whatever you want. | ||
| That's what the UFC was based on. | ||
| Do whatever you want. | ||
| Fight. | ||
| We guys know about high rollers, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| High rollers is the weed competition where they do jujitsu when they get high first and then like elite jujitsu guys have jujitsu matches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Slows everything down? | ||
| Yeah, not really. | ||
| It actually makes you focus. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I mean. | ||
| It's like, that guy's about to shoot. | ||
| Well, it just makes you like much more focused than what's going on for some strange reason. | ||
| I don't know how you guys do it. | ||
| Like you guys perform high? | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| I can't think of anything. | ||
| That's Joe Schilling. | ||
| Oh, you just don't know. | ||
| Joe Schilling was maybe the number one man. | ||
| Yeah, he's an elite kickboxer. | ||
| Yeah, you do it because it's fun, Mark Norman. | ||
| It just slows everything down where you're like, I see everything going on. | ||
| It's almost like The Matrix. | ||
| You're like, oh, wait, hold on. | ||
| For me, it always gives me revelations that I didn't know I was going to get. | ||
| You fight high? | ||
| You roll high? | ||
| Yeah, I used to always roll high. | ||
| We never used to. | ||
| I haven't rolled in like over a year. | ||
| No! | ||
| I was starting to do it again, but I've got a elk hunting season, and I'm like, I don't want to fuck my knees up before I go elk hunting. | ||
| Fair, fair. | ||
| So around November, I'm going to start doing it again. | ||
| Yeah, I had a knee problem that was very... | ||
| I tore my MCL. I tore it going on stage at Stubbs. | ||
| What? | ||
| You tore on stage? | ||
| No, I tore it going up the stairs. | ||
| It was so stupid, dude. | ||
| How? | ||
| Because we were doing the Chappelle shows, and we were just fucking obliterated backstage. | ||
| And I had to go up the stairs, and I was turning my phone to airplane mode, and I stubbed my fucking phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stubs. | |
| Up these stairs, like, there's these concrete stubs. | ||
| And I twisted my knee, like, bad. | ||
| And then when I was on stage, my knee was shaking. | ||
| Like, shaking, because it's in physical pain. | ||
| It's like, yikes! | ||
| It fucking hurts! | ||
| Did you mention it or you pushed through? | ||
| I should have mentioned it. | ||
| But then I didn't know what to do with it. | ||
| Because I hadn't done stand-up in a long time, and I was just starting to do stand-up again, because it was during the pandemic. | ||
| Now, I would definitely mention it. | ||
| Wait, you must think Jiu-Jitsu is kind of like your life, to a degree. | ||
| It's a part of my life. | ||
| But you must know, you're not going to do it in 90. Ilio Gracie did. | ||
| Okay, but you were like, there's going to be a time where I'm like, I've got to stop that. | ||
| Yeah, you could still do it as long as you do it with people like you that have good control. | ||
| The whole idea is you don't want to get like a spastic young quarterback, fucking jacked super athlete to fucking throw you around and hurt you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But a lot of guys, there's like a lot of guys that roll like deep into their 60s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They just do it with smart people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Al Bundy. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Al Bundy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Ed O'Neal. | ||
| Ed O'Neal is a legit black belt. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yes, he is. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yes, he is. | ||
| He looks like a dad. | ||
| No, Ed O'Neal absolutely is a legit jiu-jitsu black belt. | ||
| Married with children? | ||
| Yep, yep. | ||
| He's legit. | ||
| Rolls of people. | ||
| Yep, there he is. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, he's legit. | ||
| I just randomly, by chance, was on a flight with him once. | ||
| No way! | ||
| Totally randomly. | ||
| He sat right next to me, and we talked about jiu-jitsu the entire time. | ||
| Get out of here! | ||
| Yeah, we just talked about jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Wow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a couple of black belts chilling in first class. | |
| Are you black belt? | ||
| Yeah, I've been a black belt for a long time. | ||
| That was a little McGregor. | ||
| Bravo, black. | ||
| No, I'm John Jack Machado, too. | ||
| John Jack Machado, wow. | ||
| Guy and Ogie. | ||
| We got in a pool with Vincent D'Onofrio yesterday, so I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
| Is he still around? | ||
| He's out of the fucking hotel. | ||
| Vince is jacked, by the way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's looking good. | ||
| He was fucking big, dude. | ||
| Pull up Vince's age. | ||
| How old is that guy? | ||
| Because he was fucking jacked. | ||
| I just got him confused. | ||
| You said Vincent D'Onofrio. | ||
| You thought Stephen Hawking. | ||
| Vincent Gallo. | ||
| Very different. | ||
| Remember the Buffalo 66 guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Brown bunny. | ||
| Not so tough. | ||
| Oh, that guy! | ||
| He's jacked now! | ||
| He's jacked, bro. | ||
| I would say jacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He was jacked, bro. | ||
| But he's like hanging in there for an old guy. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I saw him get out of the pool. | ||
| He was fucking for real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw him? | |
| He was jacked for jacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was pretty fucking jacked. | |
| He was stronger than any of us. | ||
| Bro, how good was he in Full Metal Jack? | ||
| Wait, how old are we talking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
64. Oh, 64. He's fucking strong. | |
| He looked good for 64. He looked about 64. He's got some hair still. | ||
| Yeah, grey but full. | ||
| How good was that guy in Full Metal Giant? | ||
| The best. | ||
| He looks better than that. | ||
| You know what else he was great in? | ||
| What? | ||
| The fucking Alien movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man in Black. | |
| Man in Black. | ||
| He was great in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man in Black. | |
| He was fucking amazing. | ||
| I'm not an alien. | ||
| I'm just running a bodega. | ||
| Enough of your rules, dude. | ||
| He was fucking great in that movie. | ||
| I mean, to have a guy who's like a serious actor go hard in on being a bug inside a human suit. | ||
| He's also Kingpin. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Good Kingpin. | ||
| He got fat. | ||
| Is this in the new? | ||
| He's Kingpin in the new one? | ||
| Newer ones? | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Good kid! | ||
| D'Onofrio rules, dude! | ||
| D'Onofrio rules, I told you. | ||
| We were at the pool, you were trying to be a naysay. | ||
| That's Ari, though. | ||
| Disgusting, being a naysay. | ||
| I'd say, once he started doing TV, like all actors, the career goes pretty downhill. | ||
| That's crazy talk. | ||
| All his greatest stuff was before CSI. It's crazy, you're being nasty though. | ||
| It's a rough one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not a rough one. | |
| He did it for a decade. | ||
| I'm now a TV guy instead of a film. | ||
| He did it for a decade. | ||
| He's back in movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it's just the thing about those shows are so shallow. | |
| Shallow. | ||
| In comparison to the movies that he's done. | ||
| When you've done Full Metal Jacket, I get it. | ||
| You talk to the guy who hosted Fear Factor. | ||
| I know about selling out. | ||
| But the problem is when you're doing that, when you're that good, Yeah, TV's a different... | ||
| TV's chaff. | ||
| TV's good now, though. | ||
| You got your Breaking Bad, your Mad Men. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| He did the best he could for CSI, but after that, 2001, he wasn't the same guy. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You don't know shit about his career. | ||
| You saw him in person. | ||
| You didn't know it was him. | ||
| Yeah, I said you were dating out of your league. | ||
| We looked over, there was a lady sitting, not next to him, but a chair over. | ||
| I don't want to put any smut on Vince, dude. | ||
| You're the man. | ||
| Shout out. | ||
| Shout out Vince, dude. | ||
| Shout out Vogue from MIB, dude. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| But I looked at these guys, I was like, yo, you see that? | ||
| And he was like, yeah, not. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That's his age. | ||
| That's the same. | ||
| He was saying, no. | ||
| I was saying, yo, do you think that's the guy from fucking Full Metal Jam? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he called it. | |
| But I was going, no, that guy's not like an older guy dating a young woman. | ||
| You guys are the same age. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We are. | |
| What? | ||
| You and Bug. | ||
| Early 70s. | ||
| Look at that makeup job. | ||
| Killer. | ||
| That fucking movie was fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good movie. | |
| MLC was great. | ||
| Every MLC is good, dude. | ||
| They're all good. | ||
| We need a good fucking alien movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You ever see Attack the Block? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Attack the block. | ||
| Fucking ruled. | ||
| What, aliens attack black people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Pretty much it. | ||
| Yeah, in England. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Attack the fucking ghetto in England. | ||
| What? | ||
| For real? | ||
| They hold their own. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| It's like 2012. Something like that. | ||
| Right around there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Attack the block? | ||
| It's like teenagers in London and they like they fucking fight the aliens There's the guys from It but it was pretty star wars guy well John Boyega. | ||
| Oh, yeah before that's another Tom Cruise movie War of Worlds. | ||
| War of the Worlds rules. | ||
| Pretty fucking good. | ||
| I think Tom Cruise rules. | ||
| He rules. | ||
| I've got a deep-seated argument with my friends that he's not top ten. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's number one by far. | ||
| Um, for blockbusters? | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| That's where the argument changes. | ||
| Where it's like, superstar or blockbuster? | ||
| He's the guy. | ||
| It's by whose definition is he number one? | ||
| I know, this is why it's a good bar argument. | ||
| For decades, he was... | ||
| Oh, the new Tom Cruise movie. | ||
| Okay, Brad Pitt. | ||
| No, not as big as Tom Cruise. | ||
| Behind him? | ||
| No, but here's Leonardo DiCaprio. | ||
| Behind him. | ||
| Nah, Leo's good. | ||
| Not as long. | ||
| Here's the thing about Tom Cruise. | ||
| Tom Hanks. | ||
| Not as big. | ||
| Jack Nicholson. | ||
| Tom Hanks is not as big as Tom Hanks. | ||
| What are you kidding? | ||
| Nicholson? | ||
| Tom's huge. | ||
| Tom who? | ||
| Hanks. | ||
| No, but he's not as respected as Tom Cruise. | ||
| He's been in a lot of movies. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think he's more likable. | ||
| The Vampire was so long ago. | ||
| Here's one thing you have to consider. | ||
| Collateral is killing Michael Mann. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He thinks he's better than all those guys. | ||
| No one's bigger than Tom Hanks. | ||
| You don't know anything. | ||
| I don't watch movies and waste my time. | ||
| He's in Goldmember, too. | ||
| Oh, you're saying not right? | ||
| Get DiCaprio up. | ||
| Fire DiCaprio. | ||
| No one goes out like, here's a DiCaprio movie. | ||
| There's a Tom Hanks movie. | ||
| I'm going to see a Tom Cruise movie. | ||
| Schwarzenegger movie. | ||
| Shit like that. | ||
| The Jango? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You go like, I'm going to Tarantino. | ||
| That's a Tarantino movie. | ||
| That's not a DiCaprio movie. | ||
| The Revenant? | ||
| Sure, but five, six movies tops. | ||
| Okay, Ari's a hater. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not a hater, I'm just saying. | |
| Wolf of Wall Street? | ||
| Tom Cruise, Schwarzenegger, you're going to see them. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| He put out Gangs of New York, I think within the same week he put out Catch Me as... | ||
| That's great, but you're not going to see a DiCaprio movie. | ||
| Yes, you are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| Sheldon Island was bigger than God's Gangs of New York. | ||
| No. | ||
| Gangs of New York was the director. | ||
| You're going to see a director's movie. | ||
| You're a drunk old Jew. | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're going to see Gangs of New York, who are you going to show up for? | |
| Scorsese. | ||
| Scorsese, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to see a new Scorsese movie, not a DiCaprio movie. | |
| If you're going to see Aliens, who are you going to see? | ||
| Yeah, but people do go to see the DiCaprio movies too. | ||
| Ridley Scott. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Wait, what's your argument? | ||
| I'm going to see a new Tom Cruise movie. | ||
| Schwarzenegger, Stallone. | ||
| When's the last time you went to a movie and said, I'm going to see the Tom Cruise movie? | ||
| Every Tom Cruise movie. | ||
| This is also like Steven Spielberg, though, so there's a little bit of St. Mark's. | ||
| There's overlap. | ||
| There's overlap. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| People always go to Spielberg's movies. | ||
| It's crazy, though. | ||
|
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|
Always. | |
| No, you go see Tarantino movies. | ||
| Okay, okay. | ||
| What about this? | ||
| If somebody's in a Tarantino movie, you're like, that's great, he's in it. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| But I'm still going to see a Tarantino movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| That was one movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| With Kindergarten Cop, you're like, I'm going to see the new Schwarzenegger movie. | ||
| Okay, nobody's comparing Kindergarten Cop to Leonardo DiCaprio's I know. | ||
| And I'm saying, Leonardo DiCaprio, you're not going to see his movies. | ||
| Yes, you are. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're going to see movies in. | ||
| Ari, you're not, but some people are. | ||
| Why is that so hard to understand? | ||
| I'm saying more so, you're going to see a Tom Cruise movie because Tom Cruise is in it. | ||
| If you're dumb enough to go see a Tom Cruise movie, you're going, I'm here to see the Tom Cruise movie. | ||
| No, no way. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Top Gun. | ||
| Mission Impossible 7. Guess what, dude? | ||
|
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|
What? | |
| They get away with it. | ||
|
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|
The mission was possible for the seventh fucking time, dude. | |
| There's another crap movie, dude. | ||
| Here's an interesting stat. | ||
| But he does his own stunts. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Generating $4.7 billion. | ||
| Who do you think is going to be right below him at fourth place? | ||
| Who? | ||
| They know DiCaprio. | ||
| DiCaprio, if it comes to... | ||
| The top three are all Marvel characters, so this one is not. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The top three is not. | ||
| The fourth one's not. | ||
|
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|
Tom Cruise has been the leader for like 30 years. | |
| Who do we guess? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm saying DiCaprio. | ||
| Schwarzenegger. | ||
| Oh, Chris Pratt. | ||
| Schwarzenegger's a buff. | ||
| Chris Pratt's a good one. | ||
| Did Jurassic Park end? | ||
| Okay, who is it? | ||
| Where's T2? Tom Hanks. | ||
| There you go! | ||
| 5.12! | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He's a buff. | ||
|
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|
Wait, what about Harrison Ford? | |
| All the Star Wars. | ||
| Scarlett Johansson. | ||
| It's not that any of these guys aren't good. | ||
| All the Indiana Jones. | ||
| Who's above Tom Cruise in this? | ||
| You know what's a great Scarlett Johansson movie? | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Under the Skin. | ||
| Lucy was fun too. | ||
| But there's a movie where she plays an alien. | ||
| She plays an alien that takes over like a human form. | ||
| Starts fucking dudes up. | ||
| I wish she would take me over. | ||
| I wish she would. | ||
| Who are the top ones of that? | ||
| It was Samuel L. Jackson was number one, but that's because of Marvel movies. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| So they're just adding up the profit of movies they've been in. | ||
| Robert Downey, I knew it. | ||
| It should be guys who were leading the movie. | ||
| Marvel movies what what happened to us that that's like what we really want to see anything a superhero. | ||
| This is a guaranteed lock. | ||
| It's a lock. | ||
|
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|
Is that a weird fucking Uncle Glazer? | |
| What is that about our society? | ||
| We made all these movies over and over again, and then it just condensed down to the perfect all of them together. | ||
| We made a Dorito. | ||
| They're a Dorito. | ||
| Hey, there we go. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| She hooks up with these guys and they fucking vanish. | ||
| Species was the same kind of plotline, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Species made me rock hard as a child. | ||
| Oh, Natasha Hendricks. | ||
| She was on Fear Factor once. | ||
|
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|
No! | |
| As a nobody or as a celebrity? | ||
| As a celebrity. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Nice lady. | ||
| Very pretty. | ||
| You're taking Tom Cruise over Tom Hanks. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Tom Hanks! | ||
| Tom Hanks had a great career. | ||
| I'm saying there's different categories of how you're judging me. | ||
| You gotta hear me out on this. | ||
| Tom Hanks had a run... | ||
| Tom Cruise had a run. | ||
| Tom Cruise had a crazy run. | ||
|
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|
That was insane. | |
| He's still having a run. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| When was Taking Care of Business? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Risky Business. | ||
| Risky Business. | ||
| When was that? | ||
| 1986? | ||
| 86 till still now. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, no. | ||
| Headlining movies. | ||
| You're not letting me speak. | ||
| 40 years. | ||
| Alright, let him speak already. | ||
| You're not letting me speak. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm talking about specific runs where both of their, it was just hit, hit, hit. | ||
| Oscar runs, Tom Hanks was amazing. | ||
| Four is good. | ||
| Oscar runs, Tom Hanks had number one. | ||
| Both came out in 91. Tom Hanks had a run of... | ||
| Tom Hanks for Oscar runs was crazy. | ||
| Tom Hanks had a run of Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump, fucking Green Mile, you forget about Toy Story, Castaway, he had such a fucking... | ||
| Oh yeah, that thing you do. | ||
| But now he stinks. | ||
| Catch me if you can. | ||
| Turner and Hooch, even the birds and punchline, all that shit. | ||
| What's he doing now that you don't like? | ||
| Scroll down, wait until you see his recent shit. | ||
| It's crap, dude. | ||
| Man Called Audio. | ||
|
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|
Man Called Audio. | |
| Wait a minute, he was great in Elvis. | ||
| Not really. | ||
|
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|
He was just in Elvis. | |
| He was just in Elvis. | ||
| It wasn't his movie. | ||
| He's not just said he was really great. | ||
| He was the co-star of the movie. | ||
| He was the colonel. | ||
| Also, you cited Tropic Thunder as great. | ||
| Literally all Tom Cruise did is scream and dance in that for five minutes. | ||
| Fair enough. | ||
| So shut your fucking bitch ass mouth. | ||
| That movie rules. | ||
| Maybe the last good comedy... | ||
| Minority Report is great. | ||
| Jerry Maguire... | ||
| Yeah, all of these were great. | ||
| Interview with the Vampire. | ||
| Interview with the Vampire was the shit. | ||
| No one's saying any of these guys aren't great. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You say one guy's better than the other guy, everyone's like, you think this guy sucks? | ||
| They're all amazing. | ||
| That's the point of having a fun argument. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Jack Reacher, the The whole Jack Reacher series? | ||
| Jack Reacher? | ||
| He's still a fucking action star! | ||
| The Jack Reacher thing doesn't even make sense. | ||
| I thought Jack Reacher was good when it came out. | ||
| Recently, I showed my friend Chris O'Connor who loves Tom Cruise. | ||
| Road Dogg? | ||
| Shout out Road Dogg. | ||
| Bro, you've never seen Jack Reacher? | ||
| This is so good. | ||
| We watched it within 10 minutes. | ||
| I was like, dude, for real? | ||
| My bad? | ||
| I didn't know I was retarded when I watched this. | ||
| What is Jack Reacher? | ||
| Because this is for morons. | ||
| The new Reacher show on Amazon is much better. | ||
| Dude, it's so funny watching a movie later. | ||
| That's what Reacher was supposed to be. | ||
|
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|
That's a silly show. | |
| Reacher's supposed to be a giant guy. | ||
| You know Heat? | ||
| Fuckin' sucks. | ||
| In the books. | ||
| Heat? | ||
| Heat sucks. | ||
| Heat rules! | ||
| Heat's amazing! | ||
| I gotta piss during this moment. | ||
| The guy's going on one big heist! | ||
| Heat's amazing! | ||
| I got one big heist in me, but, oh shit, the cops are actually trailing me right now. | ||
| Well, I guess we can't do the heist. | ||
| No, do it anyway. | ||
| We gotta do it, brother. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| It's psychological. | ||
| He has a dinner with the cop who's like, I'm never gonna stop looking at you. | ||
| He goes, well, I'm gonna keep doing this fucking heist. | ||
| That's great! | ||
| It was great dialogue. | ||
| It's so retarded. | ||
| Yeah, it is retarded. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| He just wouldn't do it. | ||
| And then fucking the Mexican is like, I'll go for it. | ||
|
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|
I know, but it's like, I respect you enough to not go for it right now. | |
| And it's based on the Hollywood shootout. | ||
| But if somebody was like, hey, so you know, we're watching you. | ||
| Don't rob a bank. | ||
| And you're like, well, I definitely can't now. | ||
| But that's how big of his ego. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, but that's crazy. | ||
| And he still almost got away with it. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's like, it's hard enough to do a heist. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Also, every love scene that you have with the chick is just like, where are you from? | ||
| De Niro's better. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| De Niro's the man. | ||
| Yeah, it's actually acceptable. | ||
| So that one's acceptable? | ||
| If you're talking about best acting ability, sure. | ||
| If we're talking best acting ability, Tom Cruise isn't even close. | ||
| He's the biggest star. | ||
| I'm saying Tom Cruise. | ||
| 40 years. | ||
| Philip Seymour Hoffman buttfucks Tom Cruise. | ||
| Died, couldn't handle his heroin like a real man. | ||
| So does Tom Hardy. | ||
| What? | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| Tom Hardy's a better actor. | ||
|
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|
Sure, sure. | |
| All those, absolutely. | ||
| I'm saying biggest star for many years. | ||
| I'll be honest, we're coming off like dumbasses. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| It's all just stupid arguments. | ||
| They're all great. | ||
| You've got two drinks, dude. | ||
| I've been putting these traces down. | ||
| You do this every time we do this, dude. | ||
| You do this every time we do it. | ||
| And you have two sips. | ||
| I'm pretty toasty. | ||
| That bottle's still full. | ||
| Everybody go see Dog General on Netflix right now? | ||
| Look around. | ||
| Look at what we're doing. | ||
| You sit around. | ||
| This is water. | ||
| This is trans fluid. | ||
| Coward, man. | ||
| Coward. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| And I've been doing the eagle. | ||
| We've all been doing it way more. | ||
| We've got to go on soon. | ||
| Shane, there's only two more left. | ||
| Let's fucking finish this. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Look at short shorts coming in. | ||
| Is that Daisy Duke? | ||
| Joe's ready to kick Matsu. | ||
| My sack would be hanging out of that thing. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
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|
Shit. | |
| What'd you say? | ||
| He said, America, fuck yeah. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Norman does this every time we do this. | ||
| He doesn't get fucked up. | ||
| I'm going liquor. | ||
| He hasn't had two sips. | ||
| That's a good joint. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| I'm smoking weed, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good point! | ||
| Don't ever get there for weed! | ||
| You fucking homos over there are not smoking weed. | ||
| Ari and I are holding it down for the weed community. | ||
| You guys want to do real drugs? | ||
| I'm high as fuck. | ||
| Let's do some ketamine. | ||
| Let's get it from Duncan, the kind he made in his tub. | ||
| It's easy to make! | ||
| You just gotta make sure you got the right... | ||
| You gotta hurry up. | ||
| But Duncan, do you want to play the music? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I fucking completely froze. | ||
| Way to bail on that, McConnell. | ||
| I fucking completely froze. | ||
| McConaughey is better than Tom Cruise. | ||
|
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|
I mean, ingredients! | |
| The right mixture! | ||
| Whatever happened to McConaughey? | ||
| Didn't he run for mayor? | ||
| McConaughey rules, dude. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He was gonna run for governor, and then he walked. | ||
|
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|
He said he went for the MLS. Yeah, why would I want to be a politician? | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I'll be a hot guy. | ||
| He can help people just, like, talking. | ||
| Yeah, just being cool. | ||
| He's so fucking cool. | ||
| Did he get hair plugs? | ||
| Go! | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| You guys want to know why I hate Tom Cruise? | ||
| Why do you hate Tom Cruise? | ||
| I love Hitler. | ||
| That's why he was anti-Hitler. | ||
| I was watching that movie. | ||
| I was like, get this treacherous son of a bitch. | ||
| Norman going for the whole thing this one time? | ||
| Norman going for the whole thing this one time? | ||
| Norman? | ||
| Please, Mark. | ||
| Please, Mark. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Good job, Marcus. | ||
| Good for you, boy. | ||
| And then the watch goes off. | ||
| This is always fun. | ||
| We have a fun time. | ||
| It's a good time for comedy. | ||
| We have a great fucking time. | ||
| Everybody go watch Shane Gill. | ||
| It's a special on Netflix right now. | ||
| Mark Norman's special is also on Netflix. | ||
| Are you wrapping it up? | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Should we get the fuck out of here or should we keep rolling? | ||
| Give me that fucking eagle after you, bro. | ||
| It's a quarter to seven. | ||
| Let's get a bite. | ||
| I haven't eaten today. | ||
| No, we did eat. | ||
| We did eat. | ||
| Here's a lie. | ||
| Oh, you know. | ||
| Okay, I did eat. | ||
| I forgot we ate. | ||
| That was 12 hours ago. | ||
| It was a while ago. | ||
| Kill Tony. | ||
| Kill Tony never existed. | ||
| It's 8 o'clock. | ||
| We got an hour and 15 minutes. | ||
| But we can show up late. | ||
| That'll start late. | ||
| Have you guys talked to Tony? | ||
| Has anybody talked to Tony? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I haven't looked at my phone. | ||
| Today? | ||
| About what? | ||
| About whether or not he knows you're coming. | ||
| He knows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He thinks we're coming. | |
| He's got 78 guests. | ||
| Ric Flair, the other guy, Post Malone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who knows anymore? | ||
| Post Malone, that's what I call the years after cheers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha. | |
| That was a deep one. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| One eagle put me over the edge. | ||
| You know what I do like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Getting into a deep bar argument about who makes the best actor or something. | |
| Screaming about something. | ||
| Oh my god, people will scream at it. | ||
| It's Barry Sanders, Emmett Smith better, some dumb shit like that, but screaming. | ||
| Because there's no right or wrong. | ||
| I know, that's what happens. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| You get a little drunk? | ||
| I've been in several bar fights about Tom Cruise. | ||
| Have you seen Serpico? | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| Yeah, great movie. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's like the kind of bar scene argument. | ||
| Have you seen Serpico? | ||
| Al Pacino makes up lines and screams gibberish. | ||
| All he does is scream! | ||
| Oh, I know what you like it! | ||
| Because she's got a... | ||
| Sensible woman. | ||
| That's a shit movie, Sensible Woman. | ||
| He's driving a Ferrari blind. | ||
| Doesn't hit anything. | ||
| Irishman, you can watch him fuck up a line. | ||
| And they just kept it. | ||
| Well, no one made it to that part. | ||
| He's in the middle of a speech and then he's just like, You fucking... | ||
| You fucking keep fucking... | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| It wasn't just like trying to be a really frustrated guy and... | ||
| No, no, no, that's what I mean. | ||
| I think they kept it as far as like, this is how people actually talk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I think you fucked up. | ||
| I don't know anything. | ||
| But I will say, I think Pacino and Jack have been making up their own lines for a long time. | ||
| They got big early on Goodset, and then they went and leave. | ||
| If you watch The Departed and pay attention to anything Jack says that entire movie... | ||
| Oh, you cheesy rat! | ||
| This is gibberish start to finish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just like, no ticky, no laundry. | |
| Yeah, he throws cocaine on the girl's pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, don't move until you feel numb, bitch. | |
| They let him go. | ||
| Never in a million years of coke ads would someone do that. | ||
| When the body's in the mosh! | ||
| That's the best part. | ||
| The accent's horrible. | ||
| Must have been a big fucking dog. | ||
| Let me hear this. | ||
| You got a cheese-eating rat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it brings up questions. | |
| Cruz couldn't have done this. | ||
| Coke out of roll. | ||
| Could have never done this. | ||
| I would love to see Cruz coked up. | ||
| Leo rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't you stand? | |
| Oh, the accent's bad. | ||
| Bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Social security numbers. | |
| Everybody's fucking numbers. | ||
| It's still such a good performance. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| Fun movie. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Based on internal affairs. | ||
| One of the best. | ||
| He looks young. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was still hot. | |
| He's gotten a little bloated. | ||
| Yeah, because he's old now. | ||
| He's ancient. | ||
| Who? | ||
| No, he's probably 15. Oh, I'm talking about Leo. | ||
| He was an easy writer. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| Yeah, five easy pieces. | ||
| Matt Damon. | ||
| All these guys are great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All these guys have great careers. | |
| Matt Damon rules. | ||
| He's a fun hang, I bet. | ||
| Matt Damon rules. | ||
| But come on. | ||
| No, he's not in the running. | ||
| He's not in the running. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He is great, but he's not in the running. | ||
| What about Johnny Depp? | ||
| What about Johnny Depp? | ||
| Johnny Depp has it. | ||
| He obviously has it. | ||
| What about Christian Bale? | ||
| Oh, Bale! | ||
| He's got it. | ||
| Maybe best actor. | ||
| Maybe best actor. | ||
| The machinist. | ||
| It's like, who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| Christian Bale destroys Tom Cruise. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Oh, yeah, as an actor? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Oh, don't give me an acting ability. | ||
| American Psycho? | ||
| Great movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
American Psycho? | |
| Fucking Batman? | ||
| Jesus Christ, Batman? | ||
| Fucking Vice? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know that one. | ||
| Vice is one of my favorite great people. | ||
| He plays fucking Dick Cheney in Batman. | ||
| Without prosthetics. | ||
| Same guy that played American Psycho played Dick Cheney. | ||
| Machinist was the best to me. | ||
| He was gone in that. | ||
| It just sucked that the movie wasn't that good. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't great. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| He was good. | ||
| The movie was out. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| The movie was like... | ||
| What's really funny is every time I've had this drunk Tom Cruise argument, this is how it goes. | ||
| You keep drinking and you're like... | ||
| Christian Bale! | ||
| Who else was good? | ||
| You settled down. | ||
| Who else was good? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's an actor. | ||
| He went from bone thin to fucking burnt fat. | ||
| We might have talked about this on here before. | ||
| The Vice is designed to make you maybe not like him. | ||
| And in reality, it just makes you be like, damn, dude, change the man. | ||
| I saw it in the theater. | ||
| Dude, it's so good. | ||
| There's a part where he gets... | ||
| Amy Adams, wow. | ||
| There's an underrated dude. | ||
| Sam Rockwell's an underrated dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kill him! | |
| Kill him! | ||
| Destroys Tom Cruise, buttfucks Tom Cruise. | ||
| Bro, that movie, shut up. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| What's that movie we played with? | ||
| Only Him? | ||
| Moon? | ||
| Moon! | ||
| Buttfucks Tom Cruise, not a big deal. | ||
| That's retarded. | ||
| Easy money. | ||
| Wow, these are strong words. | ||
| But you're supposed to not like the movie, and then... | ||
| He's fun! | ||
| There's a part where Amy Adams is like, you better change, or I'm gonna leave you. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, I'll just, yes, I'll be pretty good. | |
| His wife is like, you just got a DUI and a drunken fight. | ||
| You're a big loser. | ||
| I'm going to leave you if you don't become great. | ||
| And he's just like, okay, yes. | ||
| And then he just takes over the entire world. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| He just becomes the most powerful man on earth. | ||
| It's pretty sick. | ||
| He's like, I hear you. | ||
| Look at that acting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm the CEO of a large company. | |
| And I have been Secretary of Defense. | ||
| Steve Carell's pretty great. | ||
| Oh, Joaquin Phoenix, Joaquin Phoenix. | ||
| Bullfucks, Tom Cruise. | ||
| Shut up, that's crazy. | ||
| Top five. | ||
| Put it on the Napoleon trailer. | ||
| Put it on the Napoleon trailer. | ||
| Oh, I forgot about Napoleon. | ||
| I haven't seen the trailer. | ||
| Bonaparte, baby! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You haven't seen it? | |
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| Oh, I've been fucking rock hard for Napoleon. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| Watch this trailer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys are acting like there's no fucking Top Gun. | |
| Top Gun sucks, fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's stupid, but he's so cool. | |
| Watch this. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's acting, bitches. | ||
| This is a real film. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| They're all losers. | ||
| Ridley Scott, best director. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| His brother died. | ||
| Scott Ray? | ||
|
unidentified
|
1793. This is a fucking flick. | |
| Make an example. | ||
| Our fronds will fall. | ||
| This must be a huge budget. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| What would you do if this assignment of defense was transferred to you? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| I promise you brilliant successes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Great director. | ||
| Director. | ||
| Number one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is this costume you have on? | |
| This is my uniform. | ||
| Banger. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| I'm the man should be alive back then. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| He wasn't that short, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is your name? | |
| Napoleon. | ||
| That's the course of my life just changed. | ||
| Napoleon. | ||
| Been there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you think that is? | |
| Guys like him, Alexander the Great, they just have an urge to take over. | ||
| Yeah, he made himself a king. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's got some drive. | |
| This vermin has held the world hostage with his egotism and his lack of simple good manners. | ||
| You think you're great? | ||
| You are just a tiny little brute. | ||
| There is nothing without me. | ||
| I don't get the lady to hold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is good pod right here. | |
| *Grunting* Oh my god! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Let's go, friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Finally a movie. | |
| Let's go. | ||
| No more Marvel horse shit or mermaid. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
| Imagine Thanksgiving. | ||
| Imagine being alive. | ||
| They made him look like he rules. | ||
| Napoleon does rule. | ||
| I mean, now, after that movie, a lot of people are like, I like it. | ||
| Do you hear who Hitler did? | ||
| He was buried in a tomb in fucking Paris. | ||
| They said they made the awning lower so you had to bow your head before you got to see his body. | ||
| And Hitler goes, no. | ||
| Build a series of mirrors so I could look at his tomb without having to bow my head. | ||
| Well, then that actually makes Hitler rule. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He respected him, but he goes, I do not comply with your rules. | ||
| That actually fucking also rules. | ||
| He said he wouldn't go in when they occupied France to build a series of mirrors. | ||
| And he goes, there's the thing. | ||
| Look at me not bowing my head. | ||
| Take him down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| It's meth talking. | ||
| It's that cocaine talk. | ||
| I ain't bowing for nobody, motherfucker. | ||
| How tall was Napoleon? | ||
| I think he was 5'6". | ||
| Ah, that's not bad. | ||
| Which back then wasn't that bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But he was always surrounded by grenadiers who wore those big, tall hats, and they were like the biggest guys in the French army. | ||
| Because everybody thought he was shorter than he was. | ||
| Imagine being alive back then, man, when people were shooting muskets at each other, just running at each other, shooting tanks, cannonballs at each other. | ||
| Fucking ladders coming up on the wall. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| All warfare is hands-on. | ||
| We don't like that. | ||
| No planes, no tanks, no trucks. | ||
| No computer games to fucking blow up a village. | ||
| No, no drones. | ||
| Riding animals. | ||
| They're all riding animals. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Not to mention the B.O. Can you imagine? | ||
| What is this, Jamie? | ||
| It's him looking at Napoleon's tomb? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Wow. | ||
| What? | ||
| Where are the mirrors? | ||
| Look down on them. | ||
| Yeah, where are the mirrors? | ||
| Yeah, I think you heard an urban legend, dog. | ||
| It says he brought a mirror to it. | ||
| He said he what? | ||
| It says he brought a mirror to it. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| Urban legends. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Hitler also, he was a big, obviously, he was a big Napoleon guy, obviously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was desperately trying to avoid what Napoleon did in Russia, and then, sure enough, did the exact same thing that Napoleon did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Anyway, shout out to Battle of Kursk. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| That's the big one. | ||
| I never knew. | ||
| Yeah, that was the one that turned the tide. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| We're going, we'll do this now. | ||
| We'll take out one massive superhero right now. | ||
| And they're like, you didn't, and you're fucked. | ||
| I don't know if you got that right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't. | |
| Definitely don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't. | |
| Ari just can't stop talking. | ||
| Ari's just giving us a shot. | ||
| Did you drink Adderall or something? | ||
| Isn't the Battle of Kursk the one that was like... | ||
| This Kill Tony's gonna be sloppy. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| I think I'm alright. | ||
| How are you feeling? | ||
| I'm a little wonky. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| In a rowdy stand-up set, Shane Gillis riffs. | ||
| I love how he riffs on his girlfriend's Navy SEALX. No, you didn't. | ||
| You had a bit about it. | ||
| I did this for two straight years. | ||
| I know every word of this. | ||
| Let's wrap this up, boys. | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| Hey, that's it. | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
| Let's go to the mothership tonight. | ||
| Comedy. | ||
| Comedy. |
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