Jan. 14, 2023 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:17:46
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| And we're up. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What's up, boys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's happening? | |
| What's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not much. | |
| Welcome aboard. | ||
| I'm all strapped in. | ||
| You got your paper in front of you. | ||
| You're ready to go. | ||
| Yeah, this was just here. | ||
| Just hit the blunt. | ||
| You're ready to fucking take some notes, dude. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You seem like a guy ready to take notes. | ||
| That's pretty accurate. | ||
| Hold you out some notes. | ||
| Counterpoints? | ||
| Actually. | ||
| You'll see some notes. | ||
| You guys started out together? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Lived together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Lived together. | ||
| I was his best man at his wedding. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| He's my guy. | ||
| Gave a speech. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gave a speech. | |
| His speech was nice. | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| I was fucked up. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Were you? | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Bud lights? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| A wedding? | ||
| Dude, you think it protects our parks or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It came in abstract. | ||
| A wedding? | ||
| I like wet my pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| I was like, oh shit, I gotta give a speech. | ||
| I was like, I'll be alright. | ||
| I'm used to giving speeches. | ||
| I got up there, I was like, uh, Matt's wife, you're crazy. | ||
| Matt, you're fucking nuts. | ||
| This thing might be crazy enough to work, folks. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That was the whole speech. | ||
| This thing might be crazy enough to work. | ||
| Isn't it wild that so many people get married, but half of them fail? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You would think that more people would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| I'm the voice. | ||
| This is my second time around. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I got married relatively young, though. | ||
| But I think then it's like a practice run. | ||
| Like, you learn, like, oh, I can fix this. | ||
| Let me try this again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, girlfriends, that was just like, that was like free play mode. | ||
| That didn't even count. | ||
| Getting married is fucked up. | ||
| I got married the first time because I was like, yeah, I'll get married, I guess. | ||
| That was all I thought. | ||
| I was like, cool. | ||
| When you got divorced, was it a pain in the ass? | ||
| Like, was it a big one? | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| Or was it fairly... | ||
| I mean, it wasn't like, you know, we didn't have kids, so it wasn't like, you know... | ||
| But did you have to go through financial bullshit? | ||
| No, I didn't have any money. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| I had absolutely nothing. | ||
| Watching people get drained, watching rich dudes get drained, and you see them going from not having to worry about anything to like, oh shit, how am I going to cover my bills? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've seen that multiple times, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've seen guys get hurt in divorces. | |
| Just like Leon Edwards in the head. | ||
| Just slap. | ||
| Just get stiffened up. | ||
| It's a miserable endeavor. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| Even if you're not losing money, it's pretty shitty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's when we met. | |
| That's when me and Matt met. | ||
| I was like, we started hanging out, and then he started getting a divorce, and I was right there for it. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I moved. | |
| From a marriage into a house of, like, five comedians. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| On an air mattress. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Did two years on an air mattress. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| My air mattress would deflate and I'd take it back to Walmart in the box, return it, get a new one. | ||
| Bro, if my wife ever leaves me, I'm buying a ranch and I'm inviting everybody to live there. | ||
| Usually women... | ||
| I'm just going to build you some houses. | ||
| Women do initiate. | ||
| I'm going to buy a giant chunk of land and I'll build everybody a house. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| It'd be like Stan Hope's, though. | ||
| There'd be a fire eventually. | ||
| Yeah, eventually. | ||
| Yeah, Stan Hope's roof, his ceiling caught on fire. | ||
| It was in his attic. | ||
| What was going on up there? | ||
| It was in his attic. | ||
| It was an electrical fire. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This shit happened. | ||
| And he has this metal roof, so the roof didn't catch fire. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Just the house. | ||
| So shit just burned. | ||
| Is it fixed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or is it fucked for a while? | |
| I doubt it. | ||
| I think he's fucked for a couple months. | ||
| Is he still living there? | ||
| No. | ||
| I could see him living there with the big hole in the ceiling. | ||
| It would mean nothing to him. | ||
| Fucking viewed in the sky. | ||
| It hardly rains out there anyway. | ||
| Yeah, but it gets cold at night. | ||
| It doesn't get cold. | ||
| Isn't it wild? | ||
| It's like near Mexico, but it gets cold as fuck. | ||
| The desert's weird. | ||
| Yeah, I've never been. | ||
| I want to go. | ||
| Well, why does it get so cold? | ||
| Does it not retain heat? | ||
| The sand. | ||
| It's probably the sand. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'm guessing, but I feel like the sand is just fucking... | ||
| Sand, yeah. | ||
| Doesn't do shit. | ||
| Didn't Francis Ngano have a very similar story about crossing the Sahara? | ||
| When he crossed the Sahara, didn't he say it was like really fucking cold at night? | ||
| Yeah, it's freezing. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| It's like sand doesn't retain heat? | ||
| Is that what it does? | ||
| It doesn't hold the heat? | ||
| Water just passes through. | ||
| It's fucking bullshit, actually. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| It doesn't do a goddamn thing. | ||
| You know what's hot as fuck and cold as fuck? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Lack of humidity. | ||
| Lack of humidity. | ||
| Ah, that makes sense. | ||
| You know, the Sahara Desert used to be a fucking rainforest. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's like the normal path of things. | ||
| We just, we look at stuff through such a narrow window that we think, oh the desert's the desert, the jungle's the jungle. | ||
| But there's a natural path that goes back and forth between things becoming like rainforest and jungle and then things becoming sand. | ||
| We're talking about the ice caps too, how apparently that was lush. | ||
| Someone told me that used to be lush forest that became, we're in an ice age right now technically, is that correct? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I heard if we have polar ice caps, that's technically an ice age. | ||
| But I could be wrong. | ||
| My cousin told me that. | ||
| Oh, your cousin might be on Reddit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My cousin was reassuring me. | |
| He's like, dude, the ice caps will fully melt and it'll just be lush and we'll all move up there, you know, hundreds of years. | ||
| Well, if global warming does keep accelerating, the people that have the most optimistic view of it, they say all the places that are wicked cold will just move into those. | ||
| I was listening to that. | ||
| That guy, he was talking about the Midwest, like Minnesota and shit, like Canada. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to get a lot warmer. | ||
| I'm gonna re-cross the Bering Strait. | ||
| You gotta get back. | ||
| I think it's the opposite, though. | ||
| It's gonna get more water. | ||
| You're looking at it wrong. | ||
| So I get my timeline. | ||
| If an ice age happens, then you can make that walk. | ||
| I need that. | ||
| That was my favorite Jones. | ||
| He was like, fuck Global War and the ice caps are growing. | ||
| And everyone was like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| And then one quick Google, you're like, goddammit, he's right. | ||
| They're growing? | ||
| Antarctica is. | ||
| So Leonardo DiCaprio is wrong? | ||
| Leonardo DiCaprio can get fucked. | ||
| He talked to the scientists. | ||
| All these fucking scientists, even the scientists don't agree. | ||
| There's a mass group of scientists that will tell you, and this is undeniable, that human beings have had a big impact on carbon emissions. | ||
| But you know that volcano that just erupted? | ||
| Where'd that volcano just erupt? | ||
| There was one that just cracked. | ||
| Oh, recently? | ||
| Some guy put this, I would like to find out if this is true, some guy put this on Twitter, that there was more CO2 released from that one volcano erupting than everything human beings have ever done. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know if it's true. | ||
| Sounds amazing, though. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I've heard math in the parts per million. | ||
| Shut down some cucks with that kind of talk. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| I'll be at the cellar trying to dish that out. | ||
| They'll be like, where did you find that? | ||
| I'll be like, don't worry about it. | ||
| See, people worry about all kinds of things, but supervolcano is what you really should worry about. | ||
| They've knocked humanity down to just a few thousand people in the past. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, 70,000 years ago. | ||
| We've talked about it before. | ||
| I think it's called the Toba. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| The Toba Volcano? | ||
| It's a supervolcano. | ||
| I think it's near Indonesia. | ||
| Fact checked, volcanoes do not produce more CO2 emissions than human activity. | ||
| Reuters is on your ass, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They probably typed that up in real time. | ||
| So this was June 8th of 2022. So this was one they were talking... | ||
| God, I wish I saved it. | ||
| It was one of those things I was looking on Twitter. | ||
| I'm like, wow, better Google that later. | ||
| That one little burp by Mount Etten has already put more than 10 times the CO2 in the atmosphere than mankind has in our entire time on Earth. | ||
| Don't worry about a scam is in the works to tax your minuscule footprint. | ||
| Oh, this is a meme that someone put out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't see a meme. | ||
| I saw someone's tweet. | ||
| They might have stole the meme and tried to be clever. | ||
| Or the meme might have come from this guy's tweet as well. | ||
| Same allegation has been shared here in 2016. An iteration posted on Twitter June 2nd has retweeted nearly 9,000 times. | ||
| Yeah, it might all be horseshit. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, but my thing is... | ||
| That's a lot, though. | ||
| That looks like a lot of stuff. | ||
| That looks like a lot of stuff. | ||
| It's a big-ass cloud. | ||
| I'd say that's 40% CO2 if I had to put my eye on it. | ||
| Yeah, if I had to just one glance at it. | ||
| Well, it's just funny to be like, nah, the Earth's not warming up. | ||
| Does anyone know the temperature of the entire Earth? | ||
| Both people are silly. | ||
| The people with limited research that say it's nothing to worry about and the people with limited research that say we're all going to die. | ||
| Both people are silly. | ||
| The ones that make the most sense to me... | ||
| I had a guy named Steve Coonan on the podcast. | ||
| He's a physicist who got into... | ||
| That's what he is, right? | ||
| Coonan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I think so. | |
| And I forget how he was tasked with going about looking into climate change, but what he found was that The periods of ups and downs have always existed. | ||
| Like this idea that the Earth has ever been at a stable temperature that stays like this, that's just not the case. | ||
| It goes up and it goes down and it seems like it's always done that forever and it varies wildly. | ||
| Like they have these big giant spikes up and down. | ||
| But this is over thousands and thousands of years, right? | ||
| Maybe millions of years where they're predicting like how long. | ||
| But for sure we're having an impact. | ||
| But the question's like, how much impact? | ||
| What is the difference? | ||
| And would it be happening anyway? | ||
| Would it be warming up anyway? | ||
| If we didn't do anything to fuck up the environment, then we could look at the environment for what it is. | ||
| We could say, oh, look, it looks like it's warming up. | ||
| Well, we know we're not doing anything about that. | ||
| If we had no impact, but we know we have an impact. | ||
| Yeah, but the thing no one thinks about is we were, like, we escaped from nature in, like, a blind rush out of just being constantly destroyed by, like, floods and eaten by predators, and we set up this whole system so we can, like, eat and not all die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everyone's like, fuck this, and it's like, I mean, we can definitely tweak it to be better, but Jesus Christ, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A little bit of appreciation. | ||
| A little bit of appreciation of what we've done. | ||
| It's amazing what people have done, but yeah, for sure, we could do a lot of the shit better. | ||
| Do, like, plastic bags? | ||
| They could figure out different technology for something that doesn't sit in the ocean for, you know. | ||
| Well, they can make biodegradable plastic now. | ||
| Why don't? | ||
| That's my thing. | ||
| Why don't they? | ||
| Plastics as they are now, I think most of them are just made with fossil fuels, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most plastics. | ||
| But I know they're putting out biodegradable plastics that are made from plant. | ||
| You can actually make plastic from hemp, believe it or not. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was wild. | ||
| I read that. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I gotta bring my own bags to my grocery store, and I forget them every time. | ||
| So then I buy one. | ||
| I've got piles of bags in my apartment. | ||
| Get a stick with a bandana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I might, dude. | |
| Get some beans, dude. | ||
| It is a good move that they don't just give away bags anymore. | ||
| Even though it's real convenient, it's probably better if you bring a bag. | ||
| It is. | ||
| But who's going to remember that? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| I walk outside my front door and go, fuck, I forgot a bag. | ||
| But isn't that a thing that we can adjust to? | ||
| We'll adjust to it, yeah. | ||
| It depends on if you're a walking apartment person versus someone who drives. | ||
| If you're driving to the supermarket, it makes sense to just leave a bag in your trunk. | ||
| But if you're a walking person in an apartment... | ||
| And you're in the city, and you forget a bag, that's annoying. | ||
| Well, just do paper bags and burn them. | ||
| Yeah, but then you kill the trees. | ||
| What about the emissions? | ||
| What about the emissions, bro? | ||
| It goes up in the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it goes away? | |
| It goes straight through. | ||
| It's space. | ||
| It goes out in space. | ||
| I don't know what these fucking pussies are talking about, dude. | ||
| Global warming is fucking not real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sick of it. | |
| I had Randall Carlson on my podcast. | ||
| He's an expert in collisions, like cosmic collisions on Earth. | ||
| And he said, he goes, global warming is not good. | ||
| He goes, but what's really bad is global cooling. | ||
| He goes, global cooling is terrifying. | ||
| Ice ages, that's where everybody dies. | ||
| That's where there's no food. | ||
| That's where you're fucking starving to death. | ||
| Dude, how do we make it? | ||
| How do we make it through the Ice Age? | ||
| How do we? | ||
| Well, you have to move. | ||
| You moved. | ||
| Or the hardiest of hardy people, they hunted and gathered, like the Inuit. | ||
| They basically can't grow any vegetables. | ||
| What a fucking bullshit life. | ||
| What a scary life, dude. | ||
| In a fucking ice cave. | ||
| You're living in an ice house covered in animal skins. | ||
| Hopefully you stab something in the next month. | ||
| And you're just looking for fat. | ||
| You're just looking for blubber to eat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because that's what your body uses for fuel. | ||
| Imagine how much you could just, like, slide on ISO. Like, you're walking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably a lot of sliding. | |
| That's probably good at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fucking in there. | |
| You're probably nasty, dude. | ||
| You're fucking in there? | ||
| Oh, they're probably... | ||
| God, the layers get in there together. | ||
| Imagine fucking an ice house that you made with a fire in the center of it on animal skins of animals you killed, knowing that there's no doctors anywhere. | ||
| So if your woman gets pregnant, you're pulling it out of there in the middle of the tundra with polar bears around your ice house. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, but they had no concept of doctors. | ||
| They had no concept of any other life. | ||
| I mean, of course there were people that figured shit out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm saying, like, he wasn't like, fuck, I wish I had a doctor. | ||
| Dude, if you grow up like that, that's how you live. | ||
| And people are adaptable as shit. | ||
| I had this dude on, Sonny, from Best Ever Food Review yesterday, and he went and lived with these tribal people and hunted with them and ate what they ate. | ||
| He reviews, like, exotic foods from all over the world. | ||
| And he's with these tribal people slurping blood out of the carcass of a goat that they just shot. | ||
| They're slurping it up with their hands. | ||
| And you can tell he's barely getting through it on camera. | ||
| But that's their normal life. | ||
| For them, it wasn't gross at all. | ||
| It was totally normal. | ||
| This is how you get food. | ||
| You don't let the blood go to waste. | ||
| You slurp it out of the body cavity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| The endothal's healthcare skills helped them survive through the Ice Age. | ||
| What? | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Is that a trap? | ||
| No, they said they found people with broken bones. | ||
| They're not sure exactly how it did it, but since they were in such small tribes, if they lost someone, it would have been catastrophic to the group. | ||
| So they all had to work to keep everybody alive closer, too. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, they probably eventually figured out how to set an arm, right? | ||
| And put a stick there and tie it down. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Just sitting in a fucking igloo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bro, they don't always grow back good. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of, like, uh... | ||
| Man, you got some mangled arms, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of, like, bones they found of people. | ||
| Like, that's a hard life. | ||
| Oh, they're monsters like tigers? | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| You're getting shit bit off all the time. | ||
| I'm thinking more about your cave wife. | ||
| Yeah, what kind of wife do you have? | ||
| Before, like, women had words, and then you'd get home, and they'd just be like... | ||
| No words, just... | ||
| No, just no words. | ||
| And you gotta be like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet they were horny all the time. | |
| I bet all they did was just fuck. | ||
| Just fucking throw spears and go gather food. | ||
| Yeah, the more we're talking about it, the more I'm coming around on this, how sick that shit would have been. | ||
| They must be so primal. | ||
| Those people. | ||
| You don't know where the fuck you are. | ||
| Like the earliest, early people. | ||
| You're just gonna die. | ||
| People from like 300,000 years ago, whatever a person was back then, they must be so horny. | ||
| Yeah, well that's why they had all this- Harry and shit. | ||
| Just- Yeah. | ||
| Looking to fuck and throw spears and- Smelling each other. | ||
| Fighting off animals. | ||
| Well, that's why they had all those fucked up rituals because they in their world nature like violence They just like put on a pedestal was that was like the coolest thing That was like the ultimate life force back then just getting squashed by like animals and rocks So they would reenact it all the time Could you imagine if you can go back and get like one of them Neanderthal dudes and like enter into a wrestling tournament? | ||
| I'll just teach him a few moves. | ||
| He'd bite right away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He'd bite. | |
| He'd bite. | ||
| First guy to grab. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was a beast. | |
| A Neanderthal is probably so much stronger than people. | ||
| Their bones are different. | ||
| They're built different. | ||
| They're like 5'7", 200 plus pounds. | ||
| They're built like chimps. | ||
| Like big, powerful chimps. | ||
| You'd have to put them down, dude. | ||
| You can't have them out here. | ||
| Do you think that they fucked us or we fucked them? | ||
| We seduce them. | ||
| I think we seduce them, for sure. | ||
| Imagine me laying in wait, dude. | ||
| One of those guys came by. | ||
| Plus, back then, having a powerful woman would be very attractive, because then you'd have kids that could survive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your gene pool, your gene line would keep going on. | ||
| Going for China. | ||
| You want one night in China. | ||
| You want China the wrestler. | ||
| You want a bulky-ass bitch, dude. | ||
| She was probably the hottest dude. | ||
| I did Fear Factor with Chyna and after she completed one of the stunts, she got out and like full flexed and goes, who's the man? | ||
| She said, who's the man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I guess it's just what you say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She had a wild voice. | ||
| Big lady. | ||
| She did. | ||
| How tall was she? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But when women take steroids like that, they develop a male midget's voice. | ||
| She's like, is it me? | ||
| Didn't Xbox take her down? | ||
| You shouldn't say midget, so. | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| Coolio was on it. | ||
| Coolio won it. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Ruggies, Ruggies. | ||
| There she is. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Hasselhoff. | ||
| Hasselhoff sucks. | ||
| Dude, this squad is nuts, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three of them are dead. | |
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Three of those people. | ||
| That might be a cursed episode, dude. | ||
| What did Chyna die of? | ||
| Kelly Preston died, Chyna died, and Coolio died. | ||
| What took Chyna out? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Piledriver. | ||
| Kane broke into her house. | ||
| She did porn for a while. | ||
| Oh yeah, it was One Night in China. | ||
| That was her porn. | ||
| Oh, that was the name of it. | ||
| Wasn't it X-Pac who was... | ||
| You fucking love X-Pac. | ||
| Who's X-Pac? | ||
| The wrestler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
D-Generation X. This is like my favorite story. | |
| Matt told me the story. | ||
| He was like, dude, I saw X-Pac once. | ||
| He was in an airport. | ||
| Dude, I was like 12. I was like, yo, X-Pac, what's up? | ||
| And he didn't even look at me. | ||
| I was like, X-Pac, I gave him the socket. | ||
| He didn't even look at me. | ||
| I was like, dude, every dude looks like X-Pac. | ||
| No, it wasn't him. | ||
| A lot of dudes look like X-Pac. | ||
| He saw a guy that looked like that in the airport and was like, X-Pac! | ||
| I know five guys that look like that. | ||
| Every dude looks like this. | ||
| Just from Jiu-Jitsu class. | ||
| You know I was 12, he had a cut sleeve denim vest. | ||
| If you live in a Mexican neighborhood, you see that dude every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see that dude every day. | |
| Young Pac. | ||
| X-Pac does rule though. | ||
| The Bronco Buster? | ||
| I did not think it was gay. | ||
| There was not one part of me that thought it was gay. | ||
| What's the Bronco Buster? | ||
| A guy gets put in the turnbuckle and he's like sitting. | ||
| X-Pac jumps and puts his dick in his face. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's his closer. | ||
| That's a good closer. | ||
| That's pretty solid. | ||
| Suck my dick. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| So this is what he does? | ||
| There it is, dude. | ||
| He's getting ready. | ||
| This guy's got his girl sitting on his lap and she's nodding like, yeah, fuck his face. | ||
| He's gonna assault this man. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| This was the Ice Age. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| That's his finishing move. | ||
| Imagine pitching that in a meeting. | ||
| Vince, here's my plan. | ||
| I'm going to lay a dude against a turnbile. | ||
| I'm going to fuck his face. | ||
| And then I'm going to do like this here. | ||
| Suck it! | ||
| Genius. | ||
| Xbox, you've done it again. | ||
| Hey, what do you think about the Saudis buying the WWE, the rumor? | ||
| The unsubstantiated rumor that the Saudis are buying the WWE? You met Lemaire. | ||
| He's an autistic man. | ||
| He loves WWE. And he's not happy about it. | ||
| Yeah, he was very mad last night in the green room. | ||
| He's upset? | ||
| Why? | ||
| All him and Tony would do was talk about it last night in the green room. | ||
| Oh, Tony likes wrestling. | ||
| They were very upset. | ||
| Are they gonna let the wrestlers hit women and shit? | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| They're saying they might not... | ||
| Their conspiracy is... | ||
| No women. | ||
| They're going to be able to bulldog all of them. | ||
| It's going to be Attitude Era again. | ||
| Let's be pulling women out of cars. | ||
| Dude, they're going to 3D May off the fucking Jumbo Trout. | ||
| Remember they did that? | ||
| They're going to bring him in to do that on chicks. | ||
| There was an old woman in the WWF, and these two dudes, you remember the Dudley Twins? | ||
| Dudley Twins, yeah. | ||
| Dude, they tossed an 80-year-old woman off the... | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| What did they do? | ||
| This is Saudi Arabia. | ||
| Saudi Arabia saw this and was like, we're in. | ||
| We're very interested. | ||
| She's got a neck brace on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a long bit, so I'll kind of zoom ahead. | |
| There's LaMere. | ||
| There's a mask. | ||
| They brought her out. | ||
| So she's standing up there watching. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And she's yelling and screaming. | ||
| And so they roll her. | ||
| The Dudley boys! | ||
| The Dudley boys are so nice. | ||
| Oh, Bubba Ray Dudley. | ||
| What are they going to do to this old lady? | ||
| I think she's on a power bomber. | ||
| Oh, he's trying to push her down the ramp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was he doing? | |
| Dave Long was going to run me right off the... | ||
| Crowd. | ||
| Crowd. | ||
| I wouldn't do that. | ||
| Dude, this is the arena. | ||
| Spill her blood. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| Fear to the lions. | ||
| This is actually a great idea. | ||
| This is funny. | ||
| You'll see. | ||
| It's really not that funny. | ||
| Everyone's thought about doing this. | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| He just did a lateral drop on a table. | ||
| Dude, powerbombing your grandma? | ||
| What do they call that? | ||
| That's a powerbomb, dude. | ||
| That was a powerbomb through a table. | ||
| Dude, the fact that your brain carried this for... | ||
| 22 years. | ||
| This has been in your brain for 22 years. | ||
| Bro, what kind of damages do to that lady's brain? | ||
| I mean, I don't care what you say. | ||
| That lady got impact from that. | ||
| There was some impact involved in that. | ||
| Damn, I wonder if there's like a nursing home pipeline in the WWE. She's not protected there. | ||
| Look at her hands, that's a real old lady. | ||
| Bro, that probably took memories from her. | ||
| You talking shit? | ||
| Oh no, that's Mark Henry saying I love you. | ||
| Are you okay? | ||
| Are you dead? | ||
| Dude, they killed an old lady? | ||
| Jesus Christ, okay. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| He's rubbing his head, he's like, I'm gonna get this pinned on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck, man? | |
| I'm getting arrested. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| So yeah, WWE's not afraid to put hands on women. | ||
| It's coming back. | ||
| They did get away from it. | ||
| Now with the Saudis, we might be back to the classics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Putting geezers through tables is fucking crazy. | |
| That was probably in like Rochester, New York. | ||
| Rochester, are you ready for Raw? | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| Oh my god, that's so nuts. | ||
| Do you ever go to one of those? | ||
| A wrestling? | ||
| No. | ||
| Tony's been trying to get me to go to WrestleMania forever. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| But now that the Saudis bought it, allegedly. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| What's the... | ||
| Still not real? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Did we snopes that yesterday? | ||
| They were still investigating it. | ||
| It's gonna be cool. | ||
| If the Saudis get it, there's a chance it gets better. | ||
| Who owns it? | ||
| Does Vince McMahon still own it now? | ||
| Well, they kicked him out because he got busted with a bunch of floozies. | ||
| What? | ||
| Paying a bunch of ladies with company cash. | ||
| Who would have thought all that money went to that? | ||
| Look, if you look like that and you're seven years old and you're the head of the WWE, you're slinging dick. | ||
| What do you want him to do? | ||
| What do you want him to do? | ||
| I'd be more disappointed if he wasn't slinging dick. | ||
| If he was a faithful married man. | ||
| He's a gigantic barbarian man who's like 79 years old and works out with a chain around his neck. | ||
| You ever see how jacked he is? | ||
| Yeah, he's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Show me a picture of Vince McMahon jacked. | ||
| No, still jacked. | ||
| No, I watched him get stunnered at WrestleMania. | ||
| It's tough, dude. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| LaMare got me. | ||
| LaMare was hanging out with me and he was like, it's WrestleMania today. | ||
| And I was like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| And then he started putting up old highlights to get pumped for the thing. | ||
| Dude, I used to love Stone Cold. | ||
| My bad. | ||
| It was... | ||
| Dude, look at that. | ||
| Dude, he's super jacked and he's 150,000 years old. | ||
| That's from the front, dude. | ||
| See him from the side. | ||
| He's got the fucking... | ||
| What does he got? | ||
| He's hunched, dude. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| That's pretty new. | ||
| Let him do his thing. | ||
| Obviously, I'm not truly criticizing, but when he got stunned... | ||
| I'm talking about his extramarital affairs. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You're giving him a hard time about his physique, Shane? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Joe? | ||
| No. | ||
| That sounded kind of personal. | ||
| I'm stunned. | ||
| Yeah, he got stunned. | ||
| He looks good. | ||
| I think he's 80-something years old. | ||
| Well, that's incredible. | ||
| He looks better than Schwarzenegger. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| Let's guess. | ||
| 77. I say he's... | ||
| You just saw it. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| Did it come up? | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| I didn't see it? | ||
| I say he's 80 years old. | ||
| Review the tape. | ||
| I didn't even see it. | ||
| What's the discussion? | ||
| You're saying he... | ||
| He said he looks like shit. | ||
| No, he was... | ||
| Because back like 10 years ago, he was like yoked, cover of fucking men's health. | ||
| Back when he was 70. Back when he was 70. And I thought that was going to be the same guy that came out in WrestleMania. | ||
| And now you can see it's age. | ||
| You can see it's wearing on him. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| He got stunned and couldn't even go down. | ||
| He hated Stone Cold, bro. | ||
| Stone Cold stole his youth. | ||
| But, Jamie, how old is he? | ||
| Fog. | ||
| How old is it? | ||
| 77. 77. Yes, he looks great. | ||
| Bro, he looks fucking great for 77. 77, you're supposed to be a dead man. | ||
| You're not supposed to be pro-wrestling. | ||
| He would whoop my ass. | ||
| Obviously, he would beat my ass. | ||
| He'd slap me. | ||
| Bro, he's older than my mom. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Not a lot of fucking hit behind that. | ||
| Not much going on. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| He threw him into the turnbuckle. | ||
| Pat McAfee goes down. | ||
| McAfee goes hard on this. | ||
| He sells it very well for him. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| This isn't real? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| What the fuck are you saying, Jamie? | ||
| When we saw him, he was in a neck brace. | ||
| He just got him thrown through a table. | ||
| McAfee? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, don't do that kids. | ||
| Those guys get busted up more than anybody. | ||
| When I've had those pro wrestlers in here, like Diamond Dallas Page, his body had been through fucking hell. | ||
| That's why he invented that yoga. | ||
| He's got his own yoga system and he's like helped all these wrestlers that are all fucked up completely rehabilitate their body and get their motion back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a hardcore yoga. | ||
| The dude's in incredible shape, man. | ||
| I haven't seen him. | ||
| He can stand up, grab his foot, and do a split. | ||
| I remember DDP. He ruled. | ||
| And he's in his 60s. | ||
| Grab his foot, standing up right now, no warm-up, and he holds it up like a split. | ||
| Not bullshitting. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he did it in my studio. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| I was like, that's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's weird. | |
| He was showing me some of his exercises. | ||
| What the fuck, dad? | ||
| Guy's in amazing shape. | ||
| And his back is fucked. | ||
| Technically, he should need surgery. | ||
| It's all bone-on-bone and shit, but he does that yoga routine every day, and he keeps him healthy and mobile and he's not in pain. | ||
| He's so flexible. | ||
| It's like, how did you do this? | ||
| When you see him move around, you're like, you're a pro wrestler, and look at you. | ||
| He hit Beetlejuice with a guitar. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Beetle just from the Howard Stewart show? | ||
| He hit it with a guitar? | ||
| He smashed him with a guitar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Now he's doing yoga. | ||
| What a world. | ||
| I guess if you're dedicated every day to yoga, you'd probably help your body. | ||
| I think those guys, if you're that busted up, you kind of have to do something every day. | ||
| Otherwise, you're not going to be mobile. | ||
| Like, you really have to fix... | ||
| If you just start eating pain pills, which a lot of them do, that's a dark road. | ||
| You gotta think about how many times a year those guys were on the road. | ||
| I talked to Jake the Snake and he was explaining his evolution in the game and how long it took him and all the road gigs and shit. | ||
| Dude, those guys were doing 300 nights a year. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Never helped. | ||
| Every day they're smashing into each other and slamming each other. | ||
| And some of them, they don't like each other, so they want to hit each other hard. | ||
| I can only imagine the real feuds going on. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| I was just talking to somebody about it. | ||
| Seriously, fuck you, brother. | ||
| I'm a fuck dude. | ||
| No, they're all fucking, especially back then, roided out, lifting every day, drinking every day, fighting every day. | ||
| They were, for like five straight years, they hated it. | ||
| Was it Jake the Snake or was it The Undertaker that had the broken eye sockets? | ||
| Was it The Undertaker? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Weren't there like five Undertakers? | ||
| He had a special mask he had to wear for a while. | ||
| He shattered his fucking eye socket in the middle of a mask. | ||
| This Mexican dude landed on his face. | ||
| His move, instead of fucking your face, he would drop his butt on your face. | ||
| So he drops his butt on... | ||
| Who was it? | ||
| It was like a famous guy. | ||
| Mysterio? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Giant guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| This dude landed his butt on his face and broke his eye socket. | ||
| And so he's like... | ||
| He's got to finish the match! | ||
| He's got to finish this match with a broken eye socket. | ||
| Is that why his eyes started going up like this all the time? | ||
| Well, he actually said he ran into a clothesline. | ||
| I'm reading a quote from him. | ||
| Oh, he ran into a clothesline. | ||
| It was that guy, Mabel. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I thought the guy landed on his face. | ||
| Didn't you think so? | ||
| He says he was 6'8", 500 pounds. | ||
| I ran straight into what was supposed to be a clothesline, but he was so gassed and I ended up hitting a spot in his arm. | ||
| Actually, Jamie, I think he broke his eye socket twice. | ||
| I think if I remember correctly, he broke both eye sockets. | ||
| Well, this is him. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| According to this, it says this is what he said on the Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, both eye sockets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, that's right. | ||
| One was because the guy was completely out of shape, a lot of similarities. | ||
| The other one, I think, was the butt to the face. | ||
| I think he's saying he broke both because we showed another one that he did where the guy wasn't as big who landed on his face. | ||
| I might be remembering this wrong. | ||
| I have a very limited memory for pro wrestling. | ||
| I watch it. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| They threw the grandma to the table. | ||
| Threw the grandma to the table. | ||
| It was pretty awesome. | ||
| I'll delete that by the end of the week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the end of the week, I'll have no knowledge that that happens. | |
| You'll never forget. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll never forget. | |
| You'll have dreams about it. | ||
| Dude, I remember. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| You're right. | ||
| Rey Mysterio did hit him and that cost him damage. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah, okay, so it was Mysterio. | ||
| Oh, he landed with the Hurricane Rana. | ||
| I think he landed with his butt on his face. | ||
| Ray Mysterio is super small. | ||
| That's not the butt face. | ||
| He got hit in the face by him, I think. | ||
| But Ray Mysterio would be hopping around like that. | ||
| You said he's super small. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's bony. | ||
| I think he landed on his face. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| I think that's the reason why he got him that way, because he landed with his butt on his face. | ||
| The dead man. | ||
| That's so nice. | ||
| He mistimed a top rope senton. | ||
| And landed on the Undertaker's head. | ||
| Yeah, he landed on his head with his butt. | ||
| Yeah, he mistimed the move and landed on his face and broke his face. | ||
| Dude, imagine looking forward to that all day. | ||
| That guy's going to put a jump on your face with his ass. | ||
| You know that's coming. | ||
| You're like, fuck, dude. | ||
| How about the other guy? | ||
| Fuck in your face. | ||
| Fuck in your face. | ||
| And you have to lay there like you're out cold. | ||
| In front of an arena. | ||
| And this guy's just bang, bang, bang, and then suck it right in front of you. | ||
| That's your job. | ||
| Remember the wrestlers that never won? | ||
| There'd be like Kevin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Kevin would come out and just get smashed every time. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| That dude has to sit there and get his face fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole crowd's like, you're a fucking gay pussy. | |
| And then you gotta go back. | ||
| Everyone's like, the guy who fucked you is awesome. | ||
| They're probably going to sit in a locker room, they're like, nice work, dude. | ||
| That's what's so weird about wrestling. | ||
| How enthusiastic people get. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| They get so fucking angry at the bad guy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They fire him up. | ||
| Those bad guys will come out and be like, Delaware, what a bunch of fucking retards are you? | ||
| And they're all just like, no! | ||
| Do you ever watch Danny Hoffman? | ||
| They'd have Arab dudes come out and be like, America fucking sucks ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And these dudes are like, take that the fuck back. | |
| Wasn't that the Iron Sheik? | ||
| Yeah, Iron Sheik. | ||
| They had dudes come out for everything. | ||
| There was Russians. | ||
| They have everybody. | ||
| Back in the day, The Rock was part of... | ||
| Nation of domination. | ||
| They're like black African extremists that would come out and be like, in front of all the white people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| No! | ||
| Did you ever watch the Andy Kaufman films? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When he was doing pro wrestling? | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| The fact that he decided that that was what he was going to do. | ||
| There they are. | ||
| Bring that down to South Carolina. | ||
| I think the CIA assassinated three of them actually. | ||
| Two of them were FBI informants. | ||
| Jamie, see if you can find some of the Andy Kaufman. | ||
| The Rock was a snitch. | ||
| He snitched on Farouk. | ||
| He told me, we'll make you a movie star. | ||
| Just gotta give up your brothers. | ||
| You gotta snitch on Farouk. | ||
| He did it. | ||
| He put a bomb in Farouk's house. | ||
| Imagine if it turns out the Rock's working for the FBI the whole time. | ||
| How could he not be? | ||
| Yeah, at this point, how could he not be? | ||
| How do you think they made so many Jumanjis, dude? | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking intelligence written all over it, dude. | ||
| That's Mockingbird, bro. | ||
| Jumanji's Mockingbird. | ||
| Jumanji was a fun movie, man. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Dude, hit the record. | ||
| The first one? | ||
| Hit the record. | ||
| Hit the record. | ||
| Wait, the Robin Williams one was incredible. | ||
| No, I went to see the rock one with my kids. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| With kids, maybe, dude. | ||
| Check the record. | ||
| I praised Jumanji. | ||
| I praised Jumanji. | ||
| You like Jumanji? | ||
| Yeah, you guys have kids. | ||
| It's a good movie. | ||
| I was in Boston by myself. | ||
| I was doing comedy. | ||
| I had to kill a whole day. | ||
| I had nowhere to stay. | ||
| I went to a Panera Bread by myself. | ||
| I had never drank coffee before in my life. | ||
| I was like 30. I never drank coffee. | ||
| I was chugging cold brews all day. | ||
| I didn't know it would give you a panic attack. | ||
| And then... | ||
| I went and saw Jumanji by myself at like 2.30 p.m. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I was in there just like, holy shit, dude, I'm a fucking moron. | ||
| I saw Jumanji by myself. | ||
| I feel bad. | ||
| And then I called Matt and I was like, man, I want to quit comedy, dude, I'm so fucking sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been in a Panera for four hours drinking iced coffees in a booth by myself. | |
| Ten hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| I spent a whole day in a Panera. | ||
| I had no money. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It's zero dollars. | ||
| I saved up to see Jumanji. | ||
| You gave me so many fire movie recommends and finally I came out of Jumanji and I was like, Shane's gonna like this. | ||
| And he gave him a panic attack. | ||
| I was like, fuck my bad, dude. | ||
| That fucked me up. | ||
| How crazy was it? | ||
| I was in there by myself watching Jumanji. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It's like, this is for real a low point. | ||
| This is like a fucked up thing. | ||
| Dude, I... I'm an adult. | ||
| It was a weekday. | ||
| 2 p.m. | ||
| in Boston. | ||
| That is a weird thing. | ||
| That was before... | ||
| Yeah, that was like... | ||
| This could capsize. | ||
| My whole life could capsize. | ||
| It was capsized. | ||
| I was swimming. | ||
| My ex-girlfriend gave me her old laptop, so I had like a Chromebook that was like a $90 Chromebook. | ||
| Your laptop was dead. | ||
| I was by myself. | ||
| I would find websites that had old games. | ||
| I was playing like SimCity 98. I was like, oh, there's a movie theater in the parking lot. | ||
| I'll go see whatever they have. | ||
| Jumanji at 2.30. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| Yeah, those days on the road and the early days, they feel weird. | ||
| It's really sad. | ||
| And also, if you're working with people you don't like, like you show up in a town and the middle's a douche. | ||
| Dude, I went with him to Florida. | ||
| He got booked to go to Florida. | ||
| I was like, I'll just come with you and I'll host. | ||
| And you were booked to feature. | ||
| Yeah, we did a whole southern tour. | ||
| A whole southern tour. | ||
| He brought me... | ||
| I don't think anyone wanted me there at all. | ||
| He brought me there. | ||
| I forgot underwear, first of all. | ||
| I didn't pack underwear. | ||
| I had no undies the whole time. | ||
| I was a feature, and I was like, I got a guy I'm bringing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious! | |
| The headliner stole his jokes. | ||
| The headliner was a guitar guy, and Shane would go up, I was bombing constantly, and Shane would go up, he was doing well, and the headliner started just like, he was bombing on a guitar, and then he'd start doing callbacks to Shane's bits. | ||
| And then, he started just incorporating them into, it was the craziest shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did my act. | |
| By the last couple shows, he was just stealing the thing. | ||
| It was crazy, dude. | ||
| But it was when I was new, so I was like, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I was new enough to be like, at least, you know, he's saying that was good. | ||
| True. | ||
| But that was, dude, it was me, him, and the headliner in a comedy condo in South Carolina. | ||
| We just fucked with this dude. | ||
| He sucked so fucking bad, dude. | ||
| We were in a back green room. | ||
| And there was like a plastic, you know the plastic's supposed to look like crystal? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like plastic table stuff with lunch meat, and this guy's just crushing baloney, being like, guys, I'm on the road all the time, I can get pussy any time I want. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're like, okay, dude. | |
| He was like, man, if I was your guys' age, if I was single, you guys, I'd be getting pussy too. | ||
| I could go out there and get pussy if I wanted, but I'm not gonna... | ||
| We're like, dude, he's standing eating lunch meat on a tray in a club in South Carolina. | ||
| He's a guitar act. | ||
| Yeah, we're in like a closet in like a Mexican bowling alley. | ||
| He's like, dude, I could clean up out there, dude. | ||
| You guys have no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we're like, dude, pretty sure you're just crying when we came in here. | |
| He was absolutely... | ||
| That was a fun fucking trip. | ||
| Dude, that was so fun. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| Me and him were young and just bullying a headliner. | ||
| Just fully like, oh, is that what you said back in the condo? | ||
| And he'd be like, yeah, it is. | ||
| Those weird headliners that no one knows who they are, but they kind of headline, and they go to some places, and they've been doing it way too long. | ||
| They can achieve this very high level of toxic bitterness. | ||
| It's Sith. | ||
| You're around them, and they have a couple beers, and they start looking at you sideways. | ||
| Dude? | ||
| And they tried it. | ||
| They're like, oh, dude, that was the guy. | ||
| He was like, oh, you guys are doing a podcast. | ||
| I guess we'll see, huh? | ||
| Don't waste your time. | ||
| Fucking dickhead, dude. | ||
| Yeah, that was very funny. | ||
| He was, yeah. | ||
| He was just a big guy. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| 16? | ||
| 15? | ||
| But in his defense back then, how many podcasts were there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There was enough. | ||
| I think people had already figured out that you could make money off of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By 15, yeah. | ||
| There was enough. | ||
| He just was saying, like, every comedian does it. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| I tried it. | ||
| It didn't work. | ||
| It's not going to work for you guys. | ||
| I think the market's oversaturated now, but I still think people should do it. | ||
| If I was a new comic, if you're a new comic starting out now, you should do a podcast, even if no one's going to listen. | ||
| Just keep doing it. | ||
| Just do it and keep doing it, and it'll grow. | ||
| But there's so many of them now. | ||
| Trying to get an audience now, it's so much harder than it was Five years ago. | ||
| Yeah, maybe six years ago. | ||
| I feel like if you're actively trying to get an audience, you just have to just talk. | ||
| Like, I talk to myself when I drive anyway. | ||
| I'll just talk and like, damn, I should have recorded. | ||
| It's so fucking good. | ||
| You talk out loud to yourself? | ||
| Yeah, I talk out loud constantly. | ||
| And you feel like, damn, I'm good. | ||
| And it's fire, dude. | ||
| While I'm driving, I talk to myself all the time. | ||
| My kid will be in the backseat and I'll be talking to myself and turn around and be like, ha ha ha. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I can't stop. | ||
| You like that one? | ||
| I can't stop casting. | ||
| You're casting, dude. | ||
| That's your thing always, is talking to yourself? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I'll just talk. | ||
| I don't realize I'm doing it. | ||
| I'll be thinking. | ||
| I'll just start talking. | ||
| Jesus Christ, if I recorded what I was saying in a car. | ||
| Classified. | ||
| It'd be a quick pocket. | ||
| I don't think I'd ever talk to myself in the car. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I'm going to try it. | ||
| Like talking out loud? | ||
| Yeah, just talking to yourself. | ||
| That'd be a good way to do a podcast. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| If you had a Tesla, especially if you have a quiet car, you could set up a camera and just do a podcast while you're driving. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you. | ||
| You access... | ||
| Bill Burr did stuff like that. | ||
| But it was more like him driving around, like, God, look at this fucking guy. | ||
| Yeah, he was giving a tour. | ||
| That was good. | ||
| Yeah, those were good. | ||
| You give tours of towns and shit. | ||
| You driving and just talking must be... | ||
| Talking. | ||
| For real terrifying. | ||
| Fleshing out the ideas. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| Well, that's the way a lot of guys come up with material. | ||
| That's how Dylan does it. | ||
| He comes up with so much material because he's podcasting all the time. | ||
| He's ranting about things, and some of them you can keep. | ||
| Some of them are genuinely good ideas. | ||
| Two percent, I would say. | ||
| If you fucking sling ten around, you pick up two. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| That's pretty nice. | ||
| I was trying the ones. | ||
| You and me workshopped a couple jokes this week. | ||
| The seller did not like them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| The seller wasn't that excited about it. | ||
| Because I couldn't word it. | ||
| I don't know how to word it. | ||
| How many sets did you do down there? | ||
| It was like five or six a night. | ||
| So each set, the audience was similar? | ||
| I probably tried it twice and then scrapped it. | ||
| Me and Matt did a podcast that day and we were talking about if there was a parent sex pride parade. | ||
| See, it doesn't work. | ||
| If your parents flaunt at their sexuality. | ||
| The way gay people do at the pride parade. | ||
| If it was your dad and your mom on a float. | ||
| Even a gay guy would be like, ew. | ||
| And then I was trying to say, look, I'm happy you guys are doing it, but that's how we feel. | ||
| We're like, ew, I'm glad you're doing it, but gross, dude. | ||
| And it didn't work. | ||
| Still didn't work. | ||
| I mean, it's funny. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| It's a fair point. | ||
| It's a good point. | ||
| I mean, again, do what you want to do. | ||
| The dog general worked. | ||
| Did it? | ||
| I might be onto something there. | ||
| The dog general? | ||
| That fucking dude that retired in the military with a dog mask? | ||
| I don't even know if it's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This guy from the military retired, and he was wearing a fucking leather dog mask in his uniform, like in front of the flag. | ||
| What? | ||
| It might be fake. | ||
| I might have got tricked, but either way. | ||
| They were using it on Twitter. | ||
| He was like, Commander Bow Wow's retiring. | ||
| Arf, arf. | ||
| That was the end of it. | ||
| But they were using it on Twitter. | ||
| They were trying to make fun of the U.S. military. | ||
| They were like, here's China's military. | ||
| Here's Russia's military. | ||
| And it's like skinheads that are like... | ||
| And then it was, here's ours. | ||
| It's a bunch of trans people and the dog guy. | ||
| And the joke is... | ||
| For real, that's absolutely more terrifying. | ||
| Like, that's a truly scary military, that we had a furry with fucking missiles behind them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like an actual lunatic. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| If it's real. | ||
| It's probably not real, but I like it. | ||
| It might not be real. | ||
| Dude, there's footage, there's footage that comes out of this war. | ||
| Also, another joke, it's over fucking eight. | ||
| There's footage that's come out of this war that is different than any footage of any war that I've ever seen because it's on cell phones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's so much cell phone footage from this war. | ||
| Dude, and planes are flying low over, like, apartments and shit. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm talking about, like, one-on-one combat situations with guns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I've seen a bunch of them now. | ||
| And one I saw yesterday was this guy was in a gunfight in the woods. | ||
| So he's hiding behind trees and the trees have like chunks of fucking wood missing from them because a bullet just hit it. | ||
| I mean like a fucking movie, right? | ||
| And he runs to these Ukrainian guys that are in a foxhole and he's got the drop on them and I don't know what he's saying like he's saying surrender give it and the guy reaches up to grab his gun and And he ices the both of them in the head. | ||
| Down, down, at close range. | ||
| From three feet away. | ||
| And you're watching and she's like, holy shit. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| This is what they're going through over there. | ||
| This is the real war. | ||
| This is really what war is happening. | ||
| And they're filming it on their cell phones. | ||
| Now, imagine a furry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's in a drone just like, what are they doing down there? | |
| It's like Spaceballs. | ||
| He's up in the ship. | ||
| He sends him drone strikes. | ||
| Well, that would be the scariest thing if someone had real drones, like those dog drones with guns on them, and they just sent those after people. | ||
| Yeah, why don't we just send, like, a bunch of robots? | ||
| We definitely have, like, war robots. | ||
| Why don't we just be like, yo, here, use the war robots. | ||
| I guess you can't, I guess, I don't know. | ||
| I wonder if, some, a friend, I don't know if this is true either, we'll find this out. | ||
| What was the other thing that we were just trying to find out? | ||
| Dog General. | ||
| Dog General, is that real? | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| I support the Dog General. | ||
| I know Dog General's out there. | ||
| He's probably listening right now. | ||
| What my friend was telling me when he served overseas because of the Geneva Convention. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| That's not real, bro. | ||
| That's so photoshopped. | ||
| That's so real. | ||
| Let that guy wear a dog mask. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Dog General. | |
| That's scary. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They want to make fun of us who are having trans and furries in our military. | ||
| Good luck fighting those dudes. | ||
| Maybe that's just what he does during, like, formal events. | ||
| In regular times, he's just a straight-up killer. | ||
| We should bomb other countries and make fun of our trans military members. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that. | ||
| You gonna fuck with us? | ||
| What was the other thing that I was gonna look up? | ||
| We're gonna look something else up. | ||
| Oh, um... | ||
| I know what you're talking... | ||
| The, uh... | ||
| Ah, fuck, I don't know. | ||
| Jamie, I can't believe you're not finding a dog general, dude. | ||
| What was the other question I asked? | ||
| There's a guy with the mask, and what was the other one? | ||
| Ukraine video stuff? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn it. | |
| The last thing I had up was the Andy Kaufman stuff. | ||
| No. | ||
| We're talking about cell phone videos. | ||
| We're all over the place. | ||
| We're talking about cell phone videos. | ||
| Oh, sending robots into... | ||
| Drone robots. | ||
| Drone robots. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| Going to the dogs. | ||
| That's real? | ||
| No. | ||
| American conservative. | ||
| Celebrate pop pride. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| So this is gay officers only wear these masks? | ||
| I don't know what this is. | ||
| Scroll back up. | ||
| It says, celebrate pup pride with the armed forces. | ||
| Gay officers pretend to be canines for sadomistic sex games. | ||
| This is the classic website, theamericanconservative.com. | ||
| Dude, that's like the Washington Post to me. | ||
| True, true. | ||
| They're all the same now. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty bad. | ||
| Okay, so the guy likes to wear a mask. | ||
| I know, that's the point. | ||
| And then China and Russia were trying to make fun of us. | ||
| They were like, look how weird we are. | ||
| And it's like, bro, our guys will fuck you guys up. | ||
| There was another thing I wanted to ask, but I forget. | ||
| But there is one thing. | ||
| Someone told me that during... | ||
| Overseas war, because of the Geneva Convention, you aren't allowed to have hollow-point bullets in your pistol. | ||
| It's an unfair advantage. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta use musket balls? | ||
| No, you have to use practice rounds that we use at the range. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| 1899 prohibited use of international warfare bullets that easily expand or flatten the body. | ||
| What? | ||
| It is a common misapprehension that a hollow point ammunition is prohibited by the Geneva Convention as the prohibition significantly predates those conventions. | ||
| But they still do implement that though. | ||
| My friend who served was explaining to me the rounds that they made them use over there. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They tried to outlaw fucking night vision, dude. | ||
| Now, I don't know if that was just his unit. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They tried to be like, this is unfair, what you guys are doing. | ||
| Do you know how crazy it is? | ||
| Fair and unfair when it comes to killing people? | ||
| I'm digging through it. | ||
| It's going to get weird. | ||
| 2015 DOD law war manual returns hollow point bullets to armed conflict. | ||
| Well, I think he was- Imagine passing that bill. | ||
| But it's overseas, you said, I guess. | ||
| Get those back in here. | ||
| He was overseas. | ||
| It's time for some dude's heads to fucking explode. | ||
| I don't know if that's true, but that was what he had said. | ||
| And did they have hollow point bullets in 1889, I guess? | ||
| Yeah, but doesn't this stuff go out the window when, like, guys start fighting for their survival? | ||
| It certainly should. | ||
| Like, well, I don't want to break those rules. | ||
| But when you're seeing a scene like I saw with the foxhole, and, you know, that this is what these guys are going through today... | ||
| And it's all done on someone's fucking Samsung Galaxy, so it's like clear video. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's real close up, too. | ||
| It's like, oof. | ||
| It's kind of embarrassing at this point. | ||
| It's like, dude, you guys are really... | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| You guys are shooting each other in the face right now? | ||
| Yeah, at this point, it's kind of embarrassing. | ||
| It's still happening. | ||
| It's like, come on, man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Civilizations, when they evolve with war, you never kind of get them out. | ||
| I think the only chance... | ||
| We have is if we keep, like, all moving to a new place with a new agreement. | ||
| Like, the reason why United States is so much different than anywhere else is because the majority of the people just said, look, let's get the fuck out of here and start a new place. | ||
| Because this shit's crazy. | ||
| And then everybody was like, hey, where'd you guys go? | ||
| And then that place, come new place, became the shit. | ||
| And that's really what America is. | ||
| But then, eventually, it gets fucked, too. | ||
| Like, we don't have the same, like, physical wars on our borders because we're luckily surrounded by water. | ||
| But we're still engaging in it all over the place and ramped up. | ||
| It's like we're involved in so many different conflicts all over the world. | ||
| It's almost like the only way you're ever going to stop that is if people keep moving. | ||
| It's like, all right, this one didn't work either. | ||
| Let's keep going one more time. | ||
| Antarctica, here we go. | ||
| And take over that one and then do that for a few hundred years and fuck that up. | ||
| And then everyone learns. | ||
| It's like the lessons that people learn. | ||
| In civilization, they take forever. | ||
| They take forever. | ||
| True. | ||
| We're still doing the death penalty. | ||
| We know how many people are innocent that are on death row. | ||
| We know. | ||
| We know we're killing innocent people. | ||
| Like, yeah, but fucking win's a win. | ||
| Win's a win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| One innocent person is terrible. | ||
| Imagine being falsely accused the whole time and you're like, no. | ||
| Dude, I've had multiple men like that on my podcast because of the stuff that I do with Josh Dubin, who used to be an ambassador for the Innocence Project. | ||
| He's released dozens of these people. | ||
| And the stories are horrible. | ||
| Well, you're crying. | ||
| I might have heard one you had on here. | ||
| I've had a few of them. | ||
| There's a guy with a little girl, and it was DNA reversed it. | ||
| Maybe it was on here. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There's been a bunch of them. | ||
| They're like, we saw you with her the last time. | ||
| That was all it took. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then they found he couldn't afford DNA testing or something. | ||
| Well, there's one guy who was an immigrant who walked into a trailer after this woman had murdered someone, and his footprints got everywhere, and they blamed him, and he was in jail for 20 years. | ||
| Like, that kind of shit. | ||
| Why is he walking around? | ||
| Well, it's like, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| Like, imagine you check in on people, and you open the door, and someone's been knifed to death. | ||
| And you're like, holy shit, and you're just realizing, you're trying to turn the lights on, like, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| And he's an illegal immigrant. | ||
| He's from another country. | ||
| Yeah, so he tried to hide. | ||
| And then the woman blames it on him, and it's just crazy. | ||
| Ah, that fucking sucks. | ||
| And it's just such a flawed system. | ||
| And the thing is, like, there's an incentive for a prosecutor, once they're starting to try a case, they want to win that fucking case. | ||
| They've got a record. | ||
| They have a reputation. | ||
| And so they're trying to win. | ||
| And when it's like a government prosecutor or a district attorney and they know there's some information that would exonerate that person, they're just like... | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| That seems like a problem, making it competitive for lawyers. | ||
| It's very bad. | ||
| To be like, I want to win. | ||
| There are DAs that are like, I arrested the most people. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's like, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then they run for office, and it's like, remember that? | ||
| I was tough on crime, and then all of a sudden, ten years later, being tough on crime is racist. | ||
| I wasn't tough on crime. | ||
| Now I'm the vice president. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I didn't call them super criminals. | ||
| Super predators. | ||
| Super predators is nuts. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's crazy he's getting jammed up on, like, manila folders when he was, like, kissing 12-year-old girls on camera. | ||
| I don't know jack shit about politics, but if I had to guess, they're trying to get rid of him. | ||
| My guess would be they're trying to get rid of him. | ||
| If all of a sudden, his own aides are sending these, instead of taking these classified documents, which you have located, and go, well, let's not do that again, and fucking locking them up somewhere. | ||
| His own aides? | ||
| Self-reporting? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| That sounds sus. | ||
| Well, no one self-reported that fucking laptop. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Well, that was Russian disinformation. | ||
| That reeks of Russian disinformation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They got a hold of the social media companies and lied to them. | |
| They did whatever the fuck they could to keep that from happening. | ||
| And even this, they discovered this before the midterms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they didn't release the information until after the midterms. | ||
| I mean, dude, I mean, everyone said this a million times, but like the news, if that was flip-flop, if it was, you know, Trump's kid, that would have been all over. | ||
| It would have been like, this is the fate of our democracy, rest in the sun, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And the media would have gone right along with it. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like so obvious, and it sounds trite, but it's like, dude, why do they... | ||
| What's the incentive to be like, nah, fuck that guy, not that guy? | ||
| That kind of freaks me out. | ||
| Dude, there's a bunch of us that are just unrepresented. | ||
| It's the reasonable middle. | ||
| The reasonable middle of the world. | ||
| Unrepresented. | ||
| You've got radical left and radical right. | ||
| You've got people that are all in on the Republican Party, and you should never get an abortion, even if you've been raped. | ||
| You got wild shit on that side, and on the other side, you got men can get pregnant, you got all this chaos, you got FTX cells. | ||
| He was just making mistakes. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| We should barely even attack him. | ||
| We don't even need to bring him in. | ||
| Come on, guys. | ||
| Yeah, why would they let that guy off the hook? | ||
| The number two donor to the Democratic Party. | ||
| Oh, duh. | ||
| Number two. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Just buy George Soros. | ||
| And they're like, whatever, whatever. | ||
| No one's freaking out. | ||
| I think it was the Republicans hanging on to that Santos dude. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| The Republicans are like, no, he's a good dude. | ||
| That guy should be in jail. | ||
| Santos is the guy who's like, I'm Jewish. | ||
| Oh, that dude. | ||
| And they were like, you're not Jewish. | ||
| And he's like, I meant Jew-ish. | ||
| I'm like a Jew. | ||
| He's a master of the English language. | ||
| He's a master of the English language. | ||
| He lied about so many things. | ||
| He lied about everything. | ||
| I found out about it on the podcast. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| And then I went on a deep dive. | ||
| I'm like, this guy's wild. | ||
| I was looking at him yesterday. | ||
| The first article that came up was like, he lied about being a volleyball star. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You ever see Biden lie about his education? | ||
| Have you ever seen that clip? | ||
| Where he lied about his education and they fact-checked him on the news? | ||
| What did he say he was? | ||
| Oh my god, he just flat-out lied about his credentials. | ||
| I think it fucked him up in that debate. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| He was running a while ago and he got fucked up on- Well, he ran for president in 88. He, like, plagiarized the speech, he did that. | ||
| Dude, we used to do Joe Biden night at Stitch's Comedy Club in Boston where we'd all do each other's acts. | ||
| That time, Joe Biden lied about his academic credentials. | ||
| So watch this video, because it's fucking crazy. | ||
| He was 76 of 85. He was so silly. | ||
| He might have got it wrong, though. | ||
| He might have been like 85 to top. | ||
| Truthfully, a guy who finishes 76 would get it wrong. | ||
| Oh, that's the video. | ||
| No, this is the video. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| He argues with this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the other question is, could you quickly... | |
| I think I probably have a much higher IQ than you do, I suspect. | ||
| I went to law school on a full academic scholarship, the only one in my class to have a full academic scholarship. | ||
| In the first year in law school, I decided I didn't want to be in law school and ended up in the bottom two-thirds of my class, and then decided I wanted to stay, went back to law school, and in fact ended up in the top half of my class. | ||
| I won the international moot court competition. | ||
| I was the outstanding student in the political science department at the end of my year. | ||
| I graduated with three degrees from undergraduate school and 165 credits, only need 123 credits, and I'd be delighted to sit down and compare my IQ to yours if you'd like, Frank. | ||
| Can you rewind that and look at the guy who wants to fuck him so bad? | ||
| Did you see how happy that guy was? | ||
| He was like, you're doing it, Joe. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not questioning your IQ at all. | |
| I'm just saying that with the people that we have elected to office in recent years, I think that we have to question their credentials very Well I think you're right. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| But you know what I find kind of interesting? | ||
| It seems to me if you can speak, you're at a liability in the Democratic Party anymore. | ||
| It seems to me you've all become heartless technocrats. | ||
| It seems to me that you forget that what happens is we've never as a party... | ||
| Okay, pause this. | ||
| This is now nonsense. | ||
| Biden rules. | ||
| Now go to the article where it says what his actual stats were. | ||
| Because someone fact-checked him on the news. | ||
| It's not in that clip. | ||
| There's one that they played that clip on the news and then fact-checked it. | ||
| It'd be a nice edit like cutting that to like now him just fucking bumbling around on stage talking nonsense. | ||
| He's actually 70th in a class of 85. So he wasn't in the top half. | ||
| But there was a bunch of other stuff that he lied about in that clip, too. | ||
| In the news clip where they check it, this, like, hardcore news guy goes, actually, the true story is, and he just lays it all out. | ||
| Oh, that blows. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| Imagine if you're lying and a dork comes in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The new questions stem from taped remarks of Biden during an April campaign appearance in New Hampshire. | |
| I went to law school on a full academic scholarship. | ||
| Yeah, scoot ahead a little to the where you can't. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I don't know what it's going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's okay. | |
| Keep playing. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In my class, I'd have a full academic scholarship. | |
| Went back to law school and in fact ended up in the top half of my class. | ||
| I was the outstanding student in the political science department at the end of my year. | ||
| I graduated with three degrees from undergraduate school and 165 credits, only 123 credits. | ||
| Biden now concedes he did not graduate in the top half of his law school class, that he does not have three degrees from college, and that he was not named outstanding political science student in college. | ||
| Newsweek says Biden actually went to school on a half scholarship, ended up near the bottom of his class. | ||
| And won only one degree, not three. | ||
| Joe Biden ranked 76th in the class of 85 at the University of Syracuse Law School. | ||
| I mean, this guy comes off this whole thing as a flyweight. | ||
| Now Biden says, and this week is right, his memory had failed him. | ||
| His memory had failed him. | ||
| My memory had failed me. | ||
| But his memory seems so good right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| That would be so scary if you could rattle off facts that you think are facts. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| Maybe he believed it. | ||
| Maybe he believed it. | ||
| My memory failed me. | ||
| Maybe his memory fails him all the time. | ||
| Maybe he's just, like, hanging on. | ||
| Just has a prepared speech for, if Bob asks this, I say that, he has to write it all out. | ||
| Yeah, I'm gonna ram it down his fucking throat. | ||
| The guy's like, I think you're an idiot. | ||
| He's like, actually, I got the highest IQ on Earth, motherfucker. | ||
| That does hurt when the dorks come after you, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When you're up there lying. | ||
| Well, especially those are the mainstream dorks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that was Sam Donald. | ||
| That was back in the day, the real dorks. | ||
| Yeah, the real dorks. | ||
| The heavyweight dorks got him. | ||
| The journalists. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I exaggerate when I'm angry, but I've never gone around telling people things that aren't true about me. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| An oxymoron? | ||
| You just lied right there. | ||
| I lied, but I never lie. | ||
| He just lied right there. | ||
| Because he lied. | ||
| He said he had three degrees. | ||
| That's not an exaggeration. | ||
| That's a lie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, saying you're in the top half of your class is also a lie. | ||
| It's exaggerating. | ||
| If you say, I fucking killed it in college, but then they found out you were in the bottom half of the class, well, that's an exaggeration. | ||
| Well, that's kind of a lie, too. | ||
| He can be like, I was in a lot of clubs, I played, you know, intramural sports. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, nah, he fucking, he fucked it up. | ||
| He went for it. | ||
| He lied. | ||
| And he called black people super predators, and, uh... | ||
| No, that was Hill Dog. | ||
| Didn't he say that? | ||
| I think it was Hillary. | ||
| I think it was him. | ||
| I think there's him on tape. | ||
| I think he's been on tape. | ||
| He's had some rough ones. | ||
| He had some rough ones. | ||
| I think they get these terms that they'd like to throw around, and then they start using them with each other, and it's like sort of a signal that we're all on the same page. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You know, whatever it is. | ||
| Whatever term they're using to try to push things across. | ||
| Hillary Clinton, not Joe Biden, use the term super predator. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| This makes up for the lack of dog general info. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Biden, let's go. | |
| Yeah, Hillary, boy. | ||
| I know women want a female president. | ||
| You got one in Tulsi Gabbard. | ||
| Go get her. | ||
| That's one that you can really get behind. | ||
| Who do you like, Matt? | ||
| Who are you trying to endorse? | ||
| I want Yang, dude. | ||
| Yang's a beast. | ||
| I just want a new party. | ||
| I don't care what he does. | ||
| I just want a new party to win. | ||
| It'd be fun. | ||
| Just like knock the other two out. | ||
| You were getting early. | ||
| Yeah, I like the idea of just fucking... | ||
| You liked UBI at first. | ||
| You liked Universal Basic Income? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Were you a communist? | |
| No, I thought it was a cool idea. | ||
| Try it. | ||
| My thing is just try it. | ||
| We should do wild experiments. | ||
| Just try it out. | ||
| I thought it was a cool idea until people started getting money during the pandemic and they didn't want to go back to work. | ||
| And I was like, oh no, this is what happens. | ||
| Then you try to go to Starbucks at a rest stop. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have a collapse of the service industry. | ||
| You'd collapse of jobs that suck. | ||
| But you would also have a resurgence of people doing what they actually want to do. | ||
| It wouldn't be everybody, but it would give a good chunk of people an opportunity to try something that they've always wanted to do where they don't have to worry about subsistence, right? | ||
| They don't have to worry about food and rent. | ||
| And then they can go pursue a dream. | ||
| But how many are going to do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is it worth trying? | ||
| It might be. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, but human nature, the problem with human nature, like, people, if you give them stuff and make them so they don't have to do anything, they don't do things. | ||
| That's a lot of people. | ||
| But a lot of people wouldn't. | ||
| They would look at it as an opportunity. | ||
| It's almost like you need to educate people as, like, what gives you meaning in life. | ||
| And I know being lazy is very attractive. | ||
| It draws you to it. | ||
| It's so comfortable to just sit on the couch and play video games and do nothing, but you're gonna get depressed. | ||
| You're gonna get depressed! | ||
| You need a task. | ||
| I think everybody needs a different task, and everybody has a different level of need, but you need tasks. | ||
| Yeah, forward motion. | ||
| Have you played Bannerlord? | ||
| Dude, if I played games, man, I'd have a fucking problem. | ||
| Jamie can tell you, I have a problem. | ||
| I get psychotically obsessed, and I'll play eight, ten hours a day, and I'll fuck up my life, and I'll look pale like a vampire. | ||
| What the fuck's wrong with that? | ||
| Dude, I was playing Quake. | ||
| I would play all night long, man. | ||
| I installed a T1 line in my house back when I couldn't get good internet because I was living in the mountains. | ||
| I was like, what can you do? | ||
| And they go, well, if you had a business, we could run a T1 line. | ||
| I go, well, I got a business. | ||
| Let's run a T1 line. | ||
| It was just you playing Quake. | ||
| They had to fucking dig up the street and lay pipes and shit. | ||
| Oh, they had to send the boring missiles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I went hard. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So I could play Quake. | ||
| How long did this last for? | ||
| Oh, I had to quit cold turkey. | ||
| I realized it was a real problem. | ||
| Fuck, I'm not excited about that. | ||
| I'm headed that way. | ||
| Eat games? | ||
| I plugged in the Xbox 360 this week and started playing NCAA 14. Took eight hours. | ||
| There was my friend, my friend Rob was a manager at the Comedy Store, real nice guy, and one day he said, you know, He played EverQuest all day. | ||
| He had a real problem. | ||
| And he goes, I'm so good at making money in EverQuest and so bad at it in the real world. | ||
| And I was like, this is profound. | ||
| Because he was having this... | ||
| He's out in public. | ||
| He left the house. | ||
| Because for him, that's a big deal to shut the computer off and leave the house. | ||
| He's so immersed in the game. | ||
| So he's hanging out with us at the store in the back bar. | ||
| And he's like, I gotta do something, man. | ||
| I gotta do something. | ||
| I'm like, you gotta quit. | ||
| They're fucking great. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I'm not an anti-video game person. | ||
| I fucking love them. | ||
| But I know for me, they're too fun. | ||
| I was like, why am I just sitting around answering emails that I have to answer? | ||
| Why can I just be in a world of murder? | ||
| I gotta be honest. | ||
| That's exactly where I'm at. | ||
| Dude, I get emails and I go, fuck out of here. | ||
| I literally put the phone down on it. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's a time. | ||
| Mountain Blade banner lord, dude. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| And I suck too. | ||
| I suck at them. | ||
| That's very frustrating. | ||
| We lived together and I was like, I'm going to get good and beat Shane. | ||
| And I played all day. | ||
| He was at work, I was at home. | ||
| I was just fucking like, I'm going to kick his fucking ass. | ||
| I'm going to kick his ass and he came home. | ||
| I was like, what's this? | ||
| Beat my ass and I stormed up. | ||
| I get so mad too. | ||
| I can't handle it. | ||
| It's so hard, man. | ||
| I can't handle it. | ||
| I play, what's that, that karate game? | ||
| Is it Dead or Alive? | ||
| It's a fucking great karate game. | ||
| Where you get to pick all these different... | ||
| And my daughter kept jacking me up. | ||
| She was playing against... | ||
| She was using this little lady. | ||
| And this little lady does this little fast move. | ||
| She like spins around and kicks you in the head. | ||
| So frustrating. | ||
| We'll do a different move. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| My daughter kept fucking me up. | ||
| She fucked me up. | ||
| She was so happy and I was so upset with myself. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe that. | ||
| That was that girl. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, and she dead or alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Yeah, that's awesome. | ||
| It's a fucking great game. | ||
| It's so addictive. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| And you can, like, use some martial arts strategy in that game. | ||
| If you know, like, good techniques. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm the only one that can do ground and pound in the UFC. I'm the only one that can do jujitsu in UFC in our video games. | ||
| So you know how to hit arm bars and stuff? | ||
| I crush them. | ||
| How do you learn? | ||
| Do you learn, like, pressing certain buttons at the same time? | ||
| Timing, all that stamina, all that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's very fun. | ||
| Bro, doing the voiceover for that was one of the most brutal jobs I've ever had. | ||
| It's so long. | ||
| Because you have, like, these lists of all these things that can possibly happen, and all these fighters' names, and all these different scenarios. | ||
| How long does it take? | ||
| Hours and hours and hours. | ||
| Many, many, many, many days. | ||
| Yeah, you're working. | ||
| You're at a fucking sound booth. | ||
| And, you know, you're constantly drinking water because I'm screaming. | ||
| So I can only do it because, you know, it's like, oh! | ||
| You're doing shit like that. | ||
| See, you have to do it. | ||
| I'm trying to do it like a real fight. | ||
| You weren't in the last one. | ||
| It fucks me up. | ||
| I'm like, is it? | ||
| You weren't in the last one. | ||
| I genuinely was like, damn, dude, I need the fucking, ah! | ||
| I need it. | ||
| Daddy's busy. | ||
| Daddy's busy. | ||
| It's too much work. | ||
| It's so much work. | ||
| I was in the one before it, but they used my old stuff. | ||
| So I only did like two of them. | ||
| Then I was like, that's it. | ||
| I can't do it anymore. | ||
| Yeah, can't you just re-license the sounds, but just take the other ones. | ||
| Oh, you gotta use the new guys and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, it's new names, new people. | ||
| So that means new sessions and this fucking thing, reading off the paper. | ||
| Yeah, it's not coal mining. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| I'm busy. | ||
| Yeah, but you get it in your head. | ||
| If you're just trying to say things right, it'll kind of spin you out. | ||
| Well, it's also a huge strain on your voice. | ||
| Because the way you're talking during a UFC fight, like if you're doing it, it's like you're pushing your vocal cords. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, that was wild, by the way. | |
| That was actually weird. | ||
| That was a gear. | ||
| That was a gear. | ||
| You shifted gears. | ||
| That was a Tesla. | ||
| How wild is that car? | ||
| Isn't it wild to feel that? | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| I took them on the ride in the Model S Plaid. | ||
| Yeah, it seems so normal, right? | ||
| Well, until I noticed your fucking steering wheel halfway through the ride. | ||
| You're like, this thing's cool, right? | ||
| Have you ever been in one? | ||
| I was like, I think I've been in a Tesla. | ||
| And I looked over and it was... | ||
| It's a yoke, like a Formula One car. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I wish I had a regular steering wheel. | ||
| Regular steering wheel. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I like a regular steering wheel. | ||
| Also, the horn's not in the center. | ||
| The horn's a button. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| Everything else I love. | ||
| It doesn't have a blinker stock. | ||
| Go to the blinker stock. | ||
| Everybody knows this. | ||
| It's not in the way. | ||
| It's an instinct. | ||
| It's not in the way either. | ||
| It's hidden behind the wheel. | ||
| Just do that, do that. | ||
| Everybody does it. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| It's the best way to hit your blinkers. | ||
| And instead they have buttons. | ||
| People want to get crafty. | ||
| You don't have to get crafty. | ||
| Everything is minimalist. | ||
| Everything is done inside the panel. | ||
| The problem with that is the panel dies, then you're fucked. | ||
| You can't even roll your windows down. | ||
| You can't roll your windows down, but there's certain things you can't do. | ||
| You can't adjust the temperature. | ||
| Do you just turn off if it has an electrical shortage and you're flying? | ||
| It's never happened. | ||
| I've never had a problem. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I had a problem with a windshield wiper motor once, but it was just a defective windshield wiper motor. | ||
| Those cars are flawless. | ||
| They're so well engineered. | ||
| They just fucking do what they're supposed to do. | ||
| They suck in the cold, though. | ||
| A lot of these people that got them in these freezing temperatures in fucking Toronto and shit... | ||
| It drains that fucking battery in the cold. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta think about that. | ||
| But for like regular driving, they make regular cars look stupid. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You ever see a Chevy Cruze? | ||
| Do you still have that? | ||
| No, my sister has it. | ||
| What are you going to get? | ||
| You should get something fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You should get something nice. | ||
| Fat with a P. I don't know. | ||
| I live in New York. | ||
| I don't need a car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't. | |
| No, I want to get a car. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Get yourself a Mustang. | ||
| Like a Shelby GT500. Matt got a CRV. CRVs are fucking sick. | ||
| Twins CRVs. | ||
| Me, my wife, have CRVs. | ||
| That's a nice CRV. Black CRV? Yeah, man. | ||
| Those things are fast. | ||
| And they're so nimble. | ||
| They're nice. | ||
| Wait, Honda CRV? Yeah, they're nimble. | ||
| Yeah, I wasn't sure. | ||
| He was excited about it. | ||
| No, Honda CRVs are great cars. | ||
| I sold them. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| Those are my favorite cars. | ||
| The gear shift ratio and them are crazy. | ||
| What is that piece of shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a Mustang. | |
| It's a Mustang. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a Mustang? | ||
| Did they put a bodysuit on it? | ||
| Oh, look, it does have a Mustang rear quarter panel. | ||
| It's made by them, I believe. | ||
| Oh, that looks gross. | ||
| Boy, that guy, bad investment advice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| If guy pulls up to your house, Shane, I want to make you money. | ||
| Is that the GT? You've got the Great Gatsby Mustang. | ||
| Yeah, but the Great Gatsby was a dope car back then. | ||
| It killed a person in the car. | ||
| It's the whole point of the movie. | ||
| The real Great Gatsby movie? | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of fucked up. | ||
| Oh, look, it's got a Mustang GT 5.0. | ||
| It's a coyote motor under there. | ||
| His ribs are kind of sick. | ||
| It is nice. | ||
| Yeah, I like my butt. | ||
| But the regular Mustang looks way better, you fucking dummy. | ||
| The regular Mustang. | ||
| Now go to 2023 Mustang. | ||
| What's the word? | ||
| Dark Horse? | ||
| I think they're called the Dark Horse. | ||
| This is the newest of the new Mustang. | ||
| See? | ||
| Why would you fuck that up, bitch? | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| Goddamn, that's sexy. | ||
| That's a sexy car. | ||
| We've had this conversation every time I'm on here. | ||
| Dude, I can't drive this car, dude. | ||
| That's a 500 horsepower. | ||
| Comes in a manual. | ||
| You can get that in a manual. | ||
| You're an SUV guy. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Suburban. | ||
| The Dark Horses comes in a manual, right? | ||
| Doesn't it? | ||
| I've never even heard of it. | ||
| It's the newest of the new Mustangs. | ||
| New Breed-a-Pony. | ||
| It hasn't even come out. | ||
| 500 horsepower. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Carbon fiber trim. | ||
| I like that talk. | ||
| They can make it a lightweight package. | ||
| I'm interested. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Manual. | |
| Six-speed manual. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| So you can get it in a... | ||
| You can get it in a... | ||
| Scroll back up, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| What is this? | ||
| Can you get an automatic too? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Just a manual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| No pussies. | ||
| Oh, a 10-speed automatic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| Damn. | ||
| You ever lie about being able to drive manual? | ||
| I bought a car without knowing. | ||
| Literally every time someone asks me. | ||
| Every time someone asks me, I'm like, yeah. | ||
| I've only worked in cars. | ||
| I've worked in an auto auction. | ||
| I sold cars and then I worked in a garage in Philly and I couldn't drive stick. | ||
| And all the time they'd be like, you gotta bring this car out back. | ||
| I'd just sit there and be like, I'm gonna get found out. | ||
| Like, year two into my job. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| I'd have to find someone and be like, yo, can you please drive this? | ||
| Just put it in fucking neutral. | ||
| Just teach me real quick. | ||
| So many times where I've been in a car in front of everyone just... | ||
| You know La Cienega, where La Cienega connects to Sunset? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know that, right? | ||
| It's why no manual in LA. Oh, wait. | ||
| That steep-ass hill right by the store? | ||
| The steepest, right by the store. | ||
| Yes, I do know that. | ||
| I would take that in my Porsche, and it was a manual, and I'd always get stuck at the top. | ||
| I stalled out like three or four times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you're like this. | ||
| Yeah, that hill is insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like crazy peach. | |
| Fuck that. | ||
| So I had to learn how to hit the emergency brake and slowly let out the clutch while I let the emergency brake up. | ||
| That's how bad the hill is. | ||
| That's how I did mine every time. | ||
| I had like a... | ||
| No, what was it? | ||
| A Ford Contour. | ||
| I bought it stick shift off some Polish dude. | ||
| That's why if you have a stick, you need a fucking real handbrake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you have a stick. | ||
| You can't have these bullshit fucking electronic brakes. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| Electronic. | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| Everything's electronic. | ||
| At least some cars like this, like Fords, are making these cars that we just... | ||
| That's like an advanced muscle car. | ||
| That's what that's like. | ||
| You get a feel. | ||
| You get a... | ||
| That's the fun! | ||
| That's neat. | ||
| That's the fun! | ||
| I get scared. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| I get scared. | ||
| I got scared in that Tesla, dude. | ||
| You're scared as shit. | ||
| I literally... | ||
| I had 2% of me, he's like, I might die right now. | ||
| Bro, I closed my eyes. | ||
| I didn't want to tell you guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you? | |
| For a second, I closed my eyes, and then I realized how fucking insane that was. | ||
| No, it was genuinely impressive to move that fast. | ||
| My body was just like... | ||
| I freaked out. | ||
| I wanted you to give me permission. | ||
| You got consent. | ||
| I wouldn't be that guy. | ||
| You didn't want me to? | ||
| No, we didn't. | ||
| I wouldn't mind, you know. | ||
| I'd like to feel that again. | ||
| But it's bizarre, right? | ||
| It was very bizarre. | ||
| Because it's this four-door sedan. | ||
| It looks like a normal car. | ||
| It doesn't look like a fast car. | ||
| I almost clutched your torso from behind. | ||
| I almost fucking held on. | ||
| And then he's going to have that little one that's even faster than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the start of an all new... | |
| Jamie, do not let that happen again. | ||
| Let's take it to a commercial break. | ||
| These autoplay motherfuckers. | ||
| I was looking at new muscle cars. | ||
| This is the new Challenger. | ||
| Yeah, but that's electric. | ||
| Is this one? | ||
| That's the electric one. | ||
| I was trying to look up the Banshee. | ||
| I guess it just... | ||
| Look, you don't see exhaust pipes. | ||
| Oh, that sucks. | ||
| It's electric and it makes fake noises. | ||
| It makes like rawr, rawr. | ||
| That's kind of funny. | ||
| It actually does that though? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like audible outside of the car? | ||
| Yeah, listen to this stupid shit. | ||
| It's the dumbest idea of all time. | ||
| This is just literally so you can bother people? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen to this. | |
| That sound is all fake. | ||
| Is there speakers, I guess? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| That should be illegal. | ||
| That should be illegal. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's the fake butt of the car world. | ||
| That's what it sounds like when you rev it. | ||
| Listen, it's got this low rumble to it. | ||
| Low rumble is kind of ominous. | ||
| The only good thing about the rumble is it's good for people walking on the streets and shit. | ||
| You hear the car. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Or protesting. | ||
| That's so dumb. | ||
| That's so dumb it hurts my feelings that I do. | ||
| Fake rumble. | ||
| They gotta make some noise. | ||
| Yeah, you can't have that. | ||
| You can't have that thing on a They Will Not Replace Us rally. | ||
| That's not great. | ||
| You might have to edit that one out. | ||
| You can't give them stealth. | ||
| That's a fair point. | ||
| Stealth's a nightmare for those people. | ||
| Well, you know what the problem with that sound thing is? | ||
| It seems like you could hack that and have it play whatever you want. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Have you been to Jamaica? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| Dudes just ride around. | ||
| They have speakers on every car. | ||
| Speakers outside. | ||
| Blasting music, dude. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| That's what people are going to do with that thing. | ||
| Or have it talk. | ||
| When Jamaicans get a hold of this. | ||
| The Tesla, you could make fart, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Inside the car. | ||
| But outside, you could too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And I think they had to cancel that because people were fucking up. | ||
| Well, that's actually very funny. | ||
| Do you remember that movie, was it Scanner Darkly? | ||
| No, what was the movie with Alex Jones where they animated him? | ||
| Like back before Alex Jones was persona non grata, he was in this like mainstream animated movie. | ||
| That sounds like Scanner Darkly. | ||
| Was it Scanner Darkly? | ||
| He's in Waking Life. | ||
| Waking Life, that's right. | ||
| Play the clip of him from Waking Life because it's him driving around in a car with a speaker on the roof. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't talk about politics or religion. | |
| This is all the equivalent of enemy propaganda rolling across the picket line. | ||
| Lay down, G.I., lay down, G.I. We saw it all through the 20th century. | ||
| And now in the 21st century, it's time to stand up and realize that we should not allow ourselves to be crammed into this rat maze. | ||
| We should not submit to dehumanization. | ||
| I don't know about you, but I'm concerned with what's happening in this world. | ||
| I'm concerned with the structure. | ||
| I'm concerned with the systems of control. | ||
| Those that control my life and those that seek to control it even more! | ||
| I want freedom! | ||
| That's what I want! | ||
| And that's what Jason want! | ||
| It's up to each and every one of us. | ||
| That's what I do when I drive. | ||
| What year was this movie? | ||
| With your daughter in the back. | ||
| 2001. 2001. Richard Linklater. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| I mean, he's kind of killing it right there. | ||
| Yeah, that was actually pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, that was very good. | ||
| Yeah, one giant blunder. | ||
| It was a big blunder. | ||
| It's a big one. | ||
| Yeah, I got you. | ||
| Kind of the worst blunder, almost. | ||
| The worst blunder you can make. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| It involves every bad thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guns, kids, lies. | ||
| But didn't he take it back before they got him? | ||
| He did, but the problem is... | ||
| You know, those people sued him and won $965 million. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| And in Connecticut, they won a large settlement in Texas, but in Texas it's capped. | ||
| So I think it's capped at like $700 and something thousand dollars. | ||
| So even though it might have been like $40 million, really he has to pay $750,000 per once. | ||
| It was like $1.5 million or something. | ||
| But then the Connecticut one's not capped. | ||
| The Connecticut one's different. | ||
| Yeah, isn't it like a billion dollars? | ||
| It's close to a billion dollars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a pretty funny way to end a trial. | ||
| Is he on a payment plan? | ||
| Like, how is he... | ||
| Who's the judge? | ||
| Fucking Dr. Evil? | ||
| How can you ever... | ||
| How can you ever come up with that number? | ||
| That number's so crazy. | ||
| The number only exists if you're trying to just put someone out of business. | ||
| Like, completely and forever. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's still going, isn't he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he still going? | |
| Yeah, he's not going to be able to make a fucking billion, dude. | ||
| This is impossible. | ||
| But the other question is, like, if... | ||
| If it goes back to trial, do they reduce them? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Are you allowed to appeal? | ||
| I would imagine you're going to appeal. | ||
| I mean, it's probably pretty... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| This could go on forever and just bleed him financially. | ||
| He should get a pirate ship. | ||
| He should go out to the seas and broadcast from the seas. | ||
| He should save up enough money to buy a boat. | ||
| He should buy Epstein's Island. | ||
| He should. | ||
| It's for sale. | ||
| What's going on with it? | ||
| It's for sale. | ||
| Nobody wants it? | ||
| Do you want it? | ||
| I can't afford it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you trying to say? | |
| You're trying to say you want it? | ||
| Open up your sandals. | ||
| Yeah, I don't fucking buy it. | ||
| It's a waste of a good island. | ||
| Ghosts would be floating around that island. | ||
| Young, hot ghosts. | ||
| Russian. | ||
| The best ghosts of all time. | ||
| You'd be chasing them like, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Come back, haunt me. | ||
| I'm lonely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm over here watching Avatar by myself. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Bespoke. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's $55 million. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| $55 million. | ||
| Scroll back up so I can get an overhead again. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| There's the temple. | ||
| That's the temple. | ||
| Can you imagine if I opened up a podcast studio where Epstein's Island used to be? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Just imagine. | ||
| So where do they fly them in? | ||
| They fly them in somewhere else, and then they have to yacht it out there? | ||
| Whatever it's called. | ||
| The Big St. James has an airstrip on it, and then they take a boat over. | ||
| So he's going to go in two islands, actually. | ||
| What's stopping you from doing this? | ||
| So this is like, did you see the Glass Onion? | ||
| Did you see that, Jamie? | ||
| I did not watch it yet. | ||
| The Netflix, it's a new Knives Out. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| But the dude is kind of like an Elon Musk character, and he owns an island just like this. | ||
| You fly into St. Thomas and take a private helicopter. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Nobody wants that island. | ||
| Do you know how many recording pieces of equipment? | ||
| You have to tear down every wall. | ||
| Every wall is bugged. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| There's probably every fucking picture. | ||
| The eyes are filming you. | ||
| Yeah, shit. | ||
| I mean, I'd imagine you wanted to demolish everything anyway. | ||
| So you have to land on that one little island that's a landing strip. | ||
| That's a helipad, it says. | ||
| Is that a landing strip, too? | ||
| I thought this one did, but it said you land in St. Thomas, so that might be a little bit back here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did they bulldoze the temple? | |
| No, that's not his island. | ||
| That's not the same island. | ||
| That's the island where you can land. | ||
| That's close by. | ||
| No, this is the island. | ||
| That's his island? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, so he has a helipad. | ||
| Correct. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| I was confused. | ||
| Or is that temple up there? | ||
| I thought they were saying that this is the place where you can land. | ||
| I'm like, where the fuck are you going to land on this little rock? | ||
| You think someone would demolish the temple. | ||
| You should put your podcast studio in the temple, dude. | ||
| Well, why would they demolish anything? | ||
| If it's valuable, somebody might want it as is. | ||
| There's a lot of nutty fucking people in the world. | ||
| If you're some Saudi billionaire and you're drinking whiskey, and you're like, you know what I'm going to do? | ||
| I'm going to buy that fucking island. | ||
| Just like they bought the WWE. I'm going to buy that fucking island. | ||
| I'm going to stick it in Clinton's face. | ||
| Look where I am. | ||
| Do you recognize this room? | ||
| You should. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know what you're doing there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trump only hung out with the staff. | ||
| I only went there 26 times. | ||
| 26 is a lot. | ||
| 26 is not a lot of times. | ||
| That's incriminating. | ||
| There's so many days in the year. | ||
| Yeah, that was... | ||
| No one talks about that anymore. | ||
| That was a weird one. | ||
| It's only 26 times. | ||
| You got a good Clinton. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| I gotta listen to him. | ||
| If I listen to him, I can get it pretty good. | ||
| What's he up to now? | ||
| Not much. | ||
| Hiding. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's done that. | ||
| The world's turned on him. | ||
| Yeah, but he's also... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He had some rough ones. | ||
| He's old, bro. | ||
| He's old as shit. | ||
| He's not just old. | ||
| He's old. | ||
| He had heart problems. | ||
| Then he got on a vegan diet. | ||
| And the vegan diet is like, you know, you got to do that. | ||
| You got to be real good with that. | ||
| If you want to do that and be healthy, you have to really dot your I's and cross your T's and make sure you get all your macronutrients and shit, and you got to take supplements. | ||
| He just looks like this. | ||
| You're in ketosis, man. | ||
| I was. | ||
| I was. | ||
| You're out of ketosis? | ||
| So I started getting, like, restless leg for my whole body. | ||
| I did a week. | ||
| It felt awesome. | ||
| I felt great. | ||
| Then, like, the last night- No, no, I'm saying before that. | ||
| I was like, I got out of the keto flu, and all of a sudden... | ||
| I was like, maybe there's something to wrestle slug. | ||
| No, I hate it. | ||
| But I never... | ||
| I had it in my arms, too. | ||
| I was like a dead bug. | ||
| I was in my bed, and I was just like... | ||
| I think it was an electrolyte thing. | ||
| I looked it up. | ||
| So I'm going to try it again. | ||
| I think I fucked up my electrolytes. | ||
| Yeah, do you take an electrolyte supplement? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| You should. | ||
| Everybody should. | ||
| So easy. | ||
| Take this stuff called liquid IV. It's the shit. | ||
| You dump it in water, shake it up. | ||
| We got a lot of it. | ||
| Tastes great. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta do that. | ||
| Filled with vitamins and electrolytes. | ||
| Like, so many people are deficient in certain nutrients. | ||
| And so many people are dehydrated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's so easy to be dehydrated. | ||
| Like, you really should be drinking water all the fucking time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I felt good though. | ||
| I didn't realize how different you feel. | ||
| First of all, you don't need really to eat them. | ||
| I was crushing carbs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I went down to not eating any. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I didn't know I didn't need that my whole life. | ||
| I've been primarily eating those. | ||
| I think different people react different ways. | ||
| I have a buddy that's been on keto now for like six months. | ||
| He's lost 60 pounds. | ||
| He looks fucking great. | ||
| He said, I'm never going back again. | ||
| Dana White is another one. | ||
| Dana White lost like 40 pounds. | ||
| And he's like, dude, I'm eating like this for the rest of my life. | ||
| He goes, it was all just sugar and bullshit and carbs. | ||
| And he was having all sorts of health problems. | ||
| But my buddy looks fucking great. | ||
| John Dudley. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| He's like thin now. | ||
| I can hardly recognize him. | ||
| He's 6'5", and now he's 200 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Like, that's crazy. | ||
| He was like, at one point in time, he's like 250, probably even higher. | ||
| He's a big boy. | ||
| And now he looks fucking lean and mean. | ||
| He's like, my joints feel amazing. | ||
| My energy levels are great. | ||
| I just don't think it's for everybody. | ||
| I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all diet. | ||
| I know a lot of people that just go vegan and they're fine. | ||
| And I know a lot of people that try it and their body gets fucked up. | ||
| I just think everybody's different, man. | ||
| You think that happened to Bill? | ||
| Clinton. | ||
| He looks like shit. | ||
| But I think it's also- How old is he? | ||
| He's old as fuck, right? | ||
| A lot of sleepless nights. | ||
| There's a lot of thinking about all the shit he did. | ||
| Imagine the internet coming out towards the end and that comes out and they're like, oh, fuck. | ||
| Well, not just that, but having to live with being the president and all the shit that you gave the fucking thumbs up to and all the people that died and all the countries that got invaded and all the fucking Black ops that we don't know about and all the people that got assassinated and all the people that, like, how about the Obama administration? | ||
| How many people died from drone strikes that were innocent? | ||
| A lot! | ||
| It was in the 90% range. | ||
| Yeah, it was a lot. | ||
| Of civilians, of innocent people that died in these targeted surgical drone strikes. | ||
| Isn't that an amazing term you could use? | ||
| Surgical? | ||
| Surgical for a missile with a bomb on the other side. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Very precise. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Surgical strikes! | ||
| Missed it again. | ||
| Silent dinner, silent like pot roast with Hillary Clinton, dude. | ||
| Your bill is a silent fucking, like you fucked up some thing on the news and she's not talking to you. | ||
| She's in her pantsuit just like... | ||
| They have some sort of an arrangement. | ||
| I can only imagine. | ||
| You think they don't even like, you think they're just like totally different wings of the house or something? | ||
| They're partners. | ||
| They're business partners. | ||
| But she's still going. | ||
| She's still cognizant. | ||
| Oh yeah, she's great. | ||
| In terms of who would have been a better president representing the country, her or Biden, her by a long shot. | ||
| Even if you don't agree with her politics or you think she's a criminal, that lady's a stateswoman. | ||
| Biden, eight years ago, Biden. | ||
| I liked Biden back in the day. | ||
| He was always full of shit. | ||
| Yeah, but I like the fucking like, hey, fuck you, I'll get the highest IQ on earth. | ||
| Hey, buddy, fuck off. | ||
| You're talking a lot of shit. | ||
| Remember when you got confronted by that guy at the factory? | ||
| The factory, yeah. | ||
| He's an old man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I can't confront old men, dude. | ||
| You're trying to take away our guns. | ||
| This guy was like a fucking regular worker. | ||
| Like, you don't know shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He spazzes, dude. | ||
| Biden gets hit with young dudes coming up being like, you're taking our guns. | ||
| I'll kick your ass! | ||
| Hey, buddy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the hell are you talking about? | |
| What do you call him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dog-faced pony soldier. | |
| Dog-faced pony soldier. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| You're full of shit. | ||
| What's that sound? | ||
| I don't have any idea. | ||
| But he used to be good. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It's not our audio, it's this audio? | ||
| No, it's just our video. | ||
| See if you can find another one. | ||
| Yeah, here we go. | ||
| You're actively trying to stop. | ||
| You're full of shit. | ||
| Shush. | ||
| Danny, shush, lady. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Shush. | ||
| I support the Second Amendment. | ||
| There's a way better video of it, though, right? | ||
| I have a shotgun. | ||
| He always talks about a shotgun. | ||
| I've got a shotgun. | ||
| As if he doesn't have, like, armed murderers hanging around his house 24-7. | ||
| I've got a shotgun. | ||
| I'm an old... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll take my 12-gauge and shoot it out in the sky and he'll run for comfort. | |
| I think he makes up everything. | ||
| Yeah, he's just living in a fucking movie. | ||
| He does talk confidently, though. | ||
| He sounded like he was actually handling business there. | ||
| He hit a fucking lady with shush and he was like, you're full of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you think he's on Adderall? | ||
| Something. | ||
| He's gotta be. | ||
| I think there's a lot of functional people that are on Adderall. | ||
| I think Trumpdog was flying. | ||
| He was on some something. | ||
| Trump was flying on something. | ||
| I think a lot of people are doing that. | ||
| Dave Portnoy is pretty open about it. | ||
| Adderall? | ||
| He told me he did it before the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he seemed totally normal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But he's like, if I don't have it, I just feel like I don't have my edge. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doesn't it like, I heard it shrinks your, like while you're high on it, shrinks your burn. | ||
| Your penis is gone, dude. | ||
| Yeah, it turns like gray. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| Like a cocaine thing. | ||
| Almost worse, because Adderall's all day. | ||
| Your dick is... | ||
| Dude, your dick is this. | ||
| I take Adderall sometimes just to get fucked up. | ||
| It's fun to drink on, dude. | ||
| You take Adderall, you can drink all day. | ||
| You can drink all day anyway. | ||
| No, but I'll go... | ||
| I'll take Adderall and drink until my body shuts down. | ||
| But because of the Adderall, you're still there. | ||
| We went to the World Series. | ||
| I went to the Phillies Astros World Series. | ||
| I was blacked out, but I was fully like... | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Then we tried to leave the stadium, and I was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, yo, I can't walk. | |
| Notre Dame, Ohio State, I left. | ||
| I couldn't walk. | ||
| Yeah, it's like in Call of Duty when your character dies, but you get the camera to float around the whole thing. | ||
| If you take Adderall, you can day drink. | ||
| Because I don't... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't drink on Adderall. | ||
| How often do you take it? | ||
| That was the two times I've taken it. | ||
| Damn, it seems exciting. | ||
| Ohio State, Notre Dame, World Series. | ||
| It's a big day. | ||
| If I'm taking Adderall, it's a big day. | ||
| Dude, what's a dose? | ||
| Whoever I'm with, there's always somebody around that is prescribed. | ||
| Yeah, it's 10 to 20. I would say it's like 10 to 20. Always. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, 10 to 20 milligrams, probably. | ||
| 10 to 20. Sometimes you run into people that are like 30, fucking 40 milligrams. | ||
| Crunch the time release. | ||
| We Googled the number. | ||
| I think Pornoy said it takes a 30. I didn't bring it up. | ||
| I was like, that's a lot. | ||
| Some people munch the time release, too. | ||
| They have little balls and you can crack down on them and just get it all at once. | ||
| Bro, I've tried to snort those things. | ||
| Those are some dark evenings. | ||
| I tried- I tried- I tried- I tried drinking on it twice. | ||
| The one time I was- I was in college. | ||
| I tried to- I was on the Adderall. | ||
| I didn't realize even like what it was. | ||
| I was drinking on it. | ||
| I got all zoomed out and I was like at the kind of a- not like a super high level of a concert. | ||
| And I was like, I'm gonna jump down to the next level. | ||
| And I tried to jump down, and I got kicked out immediately. | ||
| It was fucked up. | ||
| I was like, if I could time it perfectly where all the guards' backs are turned, I'll jump down to the pit, climb up, and jump into the other area. | ||
| You tried to get up to the stage. | ||
| It just snagged me. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| It snagged me. | ||
| You're a mess. | ||
| I was like, I'll jump into the crowd, I'll blend. | ||
| And the crowd just parted as I jumped into them. | ||
| The guy just beat the fuck out of me. | ||
| I was at a South Carolina. | ||
| South Carolina, he beat your ass. | ||
| He saw you jump down. | ||
| He knocked my one shoe off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Knocked my one shoe off. | ||
| I got back in. | ||
| I kicked my other shoe off so I didn't look suspicious. | ||
| So I walked in in my socks. | ||
| And they thought my friend was me and they started kicking him out. | ||
| And I just thought it happened. | ||
| I was like, fuck it. | ||
| My friend had to get kicked out. | ||
| And then I got kicked out again. | ||
| And then I snuck back in a third time. | ||
| No lie. | ||
| In my socks. | ||
| This is mission impossible. | ||
| I was on Adderall. | ||
| That's why I cannot drink on Adderall. | ||
| I snuck in... | ||
| Dude, I snuck in with the Aramark workers. | ||
| I just walked in with them, only in my socks. | ||
| And I climbed up under the bleachers, and I just emerged into some seating. | ||
| People were like, ah! | ||
| I was like, dude, I fucking... | ||
| It was the Beastie Boys. | ||
| He was like, oh, dude, I love this song. | ||
| From under the bleachers. | ||
| It was like intergalactic planetary, and it just came up. | ||
| Oh, my God, it's amazing. | ||
| I can't have it, dude. | ||
| Speaking of... | ||
| I can't have that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sneaking? | |
| You're going to appreciate this, sneaking at a stadium. | ||
| I was... | ||
| Gone. | ||
| It was an all-day tailgate. | ||
| I was at South Carolina vs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tennessee. | |
| SEC football. | ||
| It's a night game in South Carolina. | ||
| And I'm standing there, and there's just a tiny fence between me and the handicap section. | ||
| And I literally, I just stepped over it. | ||
| No one better than I, dude. | ||
| I was standing there just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was all in the field, dude. | |
| I left my friends. | ||
| They were in the student section. | ||
| I was just shit-faced walking around. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Stepped in, and dude, people were looking at me like, checks out. | ||
| Fully checks out. | ||
| Yeah, I'm used to that. | ||
| I mean, that's my face when I blacked out. | ||
| People were like, this guy, he's by himself. | ||
| Someone just brought you a blanket? | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| It happened at... | ||
| I was at a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just picturing you standing there! | |
| Swaying? | ||
| I'm just picturing you shit-faced at some guy doing a handicap check. | ||
| I was at the Bills game. | ||
| Bills Steelers this year. | ||
| And Gabe Davis, he's a wide receiver. | ||
| He likes comedy and he likes podcasts and all this stuff. | ||
| So he invited me to the game. | ||
| I'm at the game. | ||
| I took Adderall there. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There's another Adderall. | ||
| End of the game, he's come down here towards the field. | ||
| He took his jersey off, autographed it, and handed it to me up in the stands. | ||
| Dude, it's just me and children. | ||
| Me and little kids are the only dudes down there trying to get high fives from the players. | ||
| This guy hands me his jersey, and people are like, oh, that's a guy. | ||
| NFL Films was filming it. | ||
| It was a sweet moment for them to be giving me a jersey, and I was like... | ||
| That's wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| You're just pushing kids out of the way? | ||
| I think they thought I was a special needs man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| It was just me and children. | ||
| It was me and children in the bleachers like, high five, can I get your gloves? | ||
| Good game. | ||
| And then a guy gave me his jersey and they were like, nice, congratulations. | ||
| That's what it's all about. | ||
| They're like, folks, look at Gabe Davis giving back to the community. | ||
| The worst thing that can ever happen to someone is a baseball game where a pitch gets hit, a ball gets hit, it goes foul, and some guy snatches it in front of a kid's face while the kid's trying to catch it. | ||
| Yeah, that's brutal. | ||
| And then celebrates, like reaches in front of the kid, and then everybody looks at him like... | ||
| You want to know how fucking weird I am? | ||
| I keep going to baseball games and I love them, but the whole time I'm like, dude, if there's a foul ball, I'm getting the fuck out of the way. | ||
| I'm so, like, dude, dropping a foul ball, you know how embarrassing that is? | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| You can easily drop a foul ball. | ||
| Foul balls are scary. | ||
| Catching one with one hand is crazy. | ||
| I've seen dudes catch line drives with one hand. | ||
| Everyone's like, yeah. | ||
| Hero. | ||
| Hero move. | ||
| I've also seen people try to save their friends. | ||
| I've seen people dive in front of the ball to save their friend when it's coming out of a friend's head. | ||
| A friend is like on their phone and shit. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Taking it from a kid is... | ||
| You'd get fucking cracked by a ball. | ||
| Dude, they used to let go of the... | ||
| There was no nets down the third and first baseline, dude. | ||
| Dudes would let go of the bat. | ||
| There's a fucking hilarious image of this dude in the crowd getting hit with a bat. | ||
| It's right here. | ||
| His jaw is off his face. | ||
| I saw another one like that where a dude caught a bat. | ||
| The bat went flying, the dude fucking snatches the bat out of the air. | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| Because if you're in a baseball game, 90% of the time you're not paying attention. | ||
| I'm one of those freeze and kind of watch something bad happen. | ||
| What is this one? | ||
| This is the bat one? | ||
| There's a couple of bat ones. | ||
| Oh yeah, so this is the bat. | ||
| The bat flies and the dude snags it. | ||
| Oh, and it's sharp, dude. | ||
| It was split. | ||
| Fucking hero. | ||
| That guy's a hero. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's the greatest moment of his life. | ||
| He caught that bat. | ||
| He's talking shit. | ||
| He's talking shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes flying, and look at homeboy. | |
| Everybody's freaking out. | ||
| These guys are like, I got this shit. | ||
| Snatch! | ||
| One-handed it. | ||
| I mean that thing could have hit a vampire. | ||
| That's our leader. | ||
| That's our leader. | ||
| If we were a tribe, if it was a tribe, that audience, that's our leader. | ||
| That's the guy who caught the bat. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Animal. | ||
| Can you find that still image of that dude getting his fucking face smashed? | ||
| Do you know how good that guy must have felt though? | ||
| To hold that fucking bat up, standing up like this, and the whole audience is like, yeah! | ||
| That must have been incredible. | ||
| Especially when you didn't see it coming. | ||
| The closest thing we can get to adrenaline is a good set. | ||
| This guy was just watching. | ||
| This guy saved his kid. | ||
| Look at the lady. | ||
| Oh my god, that kid was... | ||
| Look at the mom bailing. | ||
| Damn, look how jacked that dad is. | ||
| That dad's an animal. | ||
| Look at the size of that dude. | ||
| That's what I'm afraid of. | ||
| I'm gonna be the guy going... | ||
| Yeah, but look at the guy to the right. | ||
| Imagine a classical oil painting. | ||
| That'd be a beautiful painting, dude. | ||
| Look at the guy all the way to the right. | ||
| That guy's still drinking his drink. | ||
| He's slurping. | ||
| He's in the middle of slurping. | ||
| Dude, one guy's not even reacting. | ||
| He's just sitting there like, whatever, dude. | ||
| Is that a drink or popcorn or both? | ||
| That's popcorn. | ||
| He's got some popcorn. | ||
| I think both, but it just looks like popcorn. | ||
| Now we're on to something. | ||
| Find that lady getting racked in the face with a basketball. | ||
| It's so good, dude. | ||
| Is that her? | ||
| Broken bat at Fenway Park? | ||
| Oh my god, life-threatening injuries. | ||
| Oh, there he is! | ||
| Look at the lady. | ||
| Oh, that dude took it. | ||
| Look at the little kid. | ||
| He's eating pizza. | ||
| Took it. | ||
| Look at the little girl. | ||
| He's like, save me. | ||
| That guy didn't even get his arms up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| He's looking back here, sees it happening. | ||
| Bro, he got cracked. | ||
| How bad that guy get injured? | ||
| He's a little old to get hit in the head like that too. | ||
| That might have done him in. | ||
| Shattered jaw at the fucking... | ||
| Twins fucking Cubs game. | ||
| That's like Anderson Silva hitting him with a left hook. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Snatch! | ||
| That guy caught one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| To the mug! | ||
| That's the Indians game, dude. | ||
| You're in fucking Cleveland. | ||
| Look at that guy laughing. | ||
| Look at the guy with the glasses. | ||
| He's like, bro, this is sick. | ||
| Look at that lady just looking with morbid curiosity. | ||
| Yeah, that lady's a psycho. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's staring down that bat. | ||
| This shows your deepest layer. | ||
| Solid photos to snag, too. | ||
| The photographer getting all that caught still without all the movement. | ||
| Every single one of those photographers went, dude, I got that. | ||
| They have to be on point for that, right? | ||
| You've got to be ready. | ||
| That does happen. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Dude, I mean... | ||
| That guy's a fucking... | ||
| That is amazing. | ||
| Look at the size of the John Cena arms on that motherfucker. | ||
| That guy's a tank. | ||
| This guy blew it. | ||
| Imagine if he was doing like... | ||
| Yeah, really. | ||
| You got that, bro? | ||
| Well, that looks like it's his kid. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Here's right before it. | ||
| It's definitely his boy. | ||
| Kid doesn't even see it. | ||
| Look at the kid's face. | ||
| He's playing fruit. | ||
| That guy's using the force. | ||
| That might not be his kid. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, there's a... | ||
| Oh, no, I think they're sitting next to him. | ||
| There's two kids. | ||
| Look at the little girl. | ||
| The little girl next to him is smart as fuck. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| I thought it was his mom. | ||
| She's like, DOWN! Oh, maybe. | ||
| It might be the mom. | ||
| Whoever it is, they just ducked. | ||
| I doubt it's the mom. | ||
| True, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's the row in front of them. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| The dude is next to him. | ||
| The black dude up there, like, oh. | ||
| I think moms have a thing innately where they can't, like, they genuinely can't get out of the way. | ||
| Like, they'll just stick their head in the way. | ||
| You ever drive with your mom in the car? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah, they put their hand over it. | ||
| Every single time. | ||
| It's pretty sweet, actually. | ||
| It's very nice. | ||
| My wife does that to me sometimes. | ||
| It's very sweet. | ||
| I'm like, it's hilarious. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| I've never done that one. | ||
| That little bitch-ass movie. | ||
| How much strength do you think you have that way? | ||
| Almost none. | ||
| Like, how much resistance do you have that way? | ||
| How good's your backstroke? | ||
| Did you ever test it? | ||
| Did you ever, like, buck her arm? | ||
| Like, dude, don't do that. | ||
| You're gonna hurt yourself. | ||
| She's only done it a couple times. | ||
| She does it with the kids. | ||
| It's just a natural thing to do with the kids when they're hitting the brakes. | ||
| But it's just like you have zero power that way. | ||
| Yeah, focus on the fucking road, dude. | ||
| Hold the steering wheel. | ||
| How much can you stop going in that direction with your arm outstretched like that and you weigh 130 pounds? | ||
| I mean, this is going to be a very dark statement, but I don't know. | ||
| What? | ||
| That means every single time a mom's in a car accident with her kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A severe one. | ||
| She did go like this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the last thing she felt was, he's going out. | ||
| He's out the windshield. | ||
| Oh, when I was a kid, we didn't wear seatbelts. | ||
| Nobody wore seatbelts. | ||
| No one did. | ||
| We used to all pretend. | ||
| We would laugh. | ||
| My parents would be like, you guys clicked in and we'd all go click with our, like, make the noise with our mouths. | ||
| They'd be like, ha ha, and they'd laugh. | ||
| My dad and my uncle would, they cut their, when they started beeping, they just cut their seatbelts off and plugged them in. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Seatbelts, we're gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| Dude. | ||
| Now they're not. | ||
| I still... | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoever did seatbelts had fucking PR. It used to be if you wore a seatbelt, you were a pussy. | |
| Kind of a pussy. | ||
| Yeah, like if you were a cool guy in a muscle car movie, you didn't have a seatbelt. | ||
| When did that change? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Even today, y'all know this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Paul Walker. | |
| Dudes would be driving in cars and they're not wearing seatbelts. | ||
| Fast and the Furious might have been seatbelt propaganda. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Might have been the CCP. It could have been the CCP. They manufacture all the seatbelts. | ||
| They probably do. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| You come up with this? | ||
| Bro, this is deep. | ||
| Paul Walker. | ||
| Seatbelt, China. | ||
| Jamie, will you find that old woman getting hit in the face with a basketball? | ||
| No, we're done. | ||
| No, I want to see this lady get hit in the face. | ||
| It's a very funny video, and then we can find a new topic. | ||
| There's nothing like rodeo guys getting stomped. | ||
| Well, that's actually like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Death. | |
| Brutal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or running the bulls. | |
| You want to watch someone get hit by something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, running with the bulls is rough. | |
| See, it's funny, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Running with the bulls is rough. | |
| Running with the bulls, though, that's... | ||
| Rodeo guys, you're at least like, this is a sport, all this. | ||
| It's a sport where there's only one person who knows they're participating. | ||
| Running with the bulls has it coming. | ||
| How does she get hit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So it'll happen once and then I get zoomed in just so you can see it. | ||
| That's in real time. | ||
| Right in the mug. | ||
| She wasn't looking. | ||
| She wasn't looking at all. | ||
| Looking at Facebook. | ||
| It was like a chain email. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| Dude, look, look, look, look. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| Everybody's just like, oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Look at him, look at him. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Dude, on the beak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, fuck, fuck. | |
| On the beak. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| On the beak. | ||
| He was trying to block it. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| She didn't even know it happened. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Took a shot well, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That makes me happy. | ||
| She's alright. | ||
| A basketball, you're on. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| That's Marsha Brady at the worst. | ||
| Basketball, yeah. | ||
| She could have whiplash. | ||
| She could have whiplash easy. | ||
| Let's see what happened. | ||
| Does she stay in the game? | ||
| She's supposed to stand up with her arms over here like... | ||
| Look at her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at her. | |
| She's smiling. | ||
| She's already laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She took it well. | |
| She took it well. | ||
| She loves the Charlotte. | ||
| She loves the Charlotte Hornets. | ||
| One more time, Jamie. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And by the way, Hornets ball. | ||
| Hornets ball. | ||
| Hornets get the ball back, dude. | ||
| Fuck the Kings. | ||
| Sacramento vs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Charlotte. | |
| You get popped in the face. | ||
| Trying to watch the Kings, Hornets. | ||
| And six seats, too. | ||
| Six seats. | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| She was looking at her Facebook. | ||
| That was recent. | ||
| Cousins was with the Kings. | ||
| Running of the Bulls, though. | ||
| Those are fun dudes. | ||
| Have you seen an old person that's paying attention to their phone and they get hit by something? | ||
| They're always on Facebook. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, you're saying if? | ||
| I thought you said have it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| It's Facebook. | ||
| That's the platform. | ||
| That's all old people. | ||
| Geezers love Facebook. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Fucking rules. | ||
| I know, but why- If you're a geezer, dude? | ||
| But why is it for- Is it political arguments? | ||
| Like, what are they getting into? | ||
| Political arguments, you're like, what happened to everybody I knew ever? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| And then all of a sudden it's like, holy shit, this is what they're up to? | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Your kids look great. | ||
| Do you ever catch an ex talking to your Facebook? | ||
| I don't have Facebook. | ||
| I got rid of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't have one? | |
| Yeah, I got rid of it. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| I had one, I deleted it, and then I got a new one because I wanted to see a group, but I never go on anymore. | ||
| It's important for open micers because that's the only way you can fight all the other comics in the local scenes Facebook page. | ||
| Everybody just fights in there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, dude, when you go off of Facebook for years and go back on, it's kind of eerie because then you see people writing the same kind of stuff like two years later and you go, whoa. | ||
| That's kind of fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of like a big time suck. | ||
| It's definitely a time suck. | ||
| They're so addictive. | ||
| All these social media apps are so addictive. | ||
| Watching people get fat on it's nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get to go back in their pictures and watch the trend. | ||
| You go, oh man. | ||
| You go back to 2014, like, let's go to the president. | ||
| You go, ooh, boy. | ||
| Ooh, you got sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were sad for a few years, and I can see it. | |
| Well, during COVID, how many people just developed heavy drinking problems? | ||
| Yeah, that must have been kind of fun to watch during COVID. People's unhinged Facebook. | ||
| Idiots. | ||
| Yeah, I had friends that just were drinking wine every night. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| And they were like, I think we got a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wine every night's... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were polishing off two bottles a night. | ||
| Just hanging out. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| Just crushing... | ||
| By yourself. | ||
| Trapped in your house. | ||
| That was so fucked up we got trapped in our houses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was crazy. | ||
| Dude, I miss it. | ||
| I loved it so much. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you? | |
| Dude, I was at my parents' house. | ||
| That kind of rules. | ||
| Dude, I got... | ||
| Again, I got NCAA 14. I was playing Xbox in my parents' basement. | ||
| Shit rules. | ||
| You didn't feel like a loser at all? | ||
| How could you? | ||
| No one's doing anything. | ||
| Yeah, no fair. | ||
| That's the best part. | ||
| That's the best part. | ||
| No one's doing anything. | ||
| You can be a loser. | ||
| You're allowed to fuck off. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, everyone was fucking off. | ||
| It's like the world got a vacation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Turns out the economy doesn't work that way. | ||
| Turns out it is going to backfire quite a bit. | ||
| It's real bad. | ||
| I'll be all right. | ||
| Yeah, you'll be fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be fine. | |
| You'll be fine. | ||
| But outside of missing the days in the basement, dude, this was two years ago. | ||
| I was in my parents' basement. | ||
| My mom would be like, dinner. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that two years ago that happened? | ||
| I would run up the steps, eat dinner. | ||
| Two years ago, we were all scared. | ||
| Locked in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, dude, I just had my first kid and I had to make the call and just be like, nah, fuck this stuff, dude. | ||
| And my wife's like, if you fucking get this wrong, I'm like, nah, dude, don't worry. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Just being like, I checked out the death rates and I'm like, bro, the odds are pretty good it'll be fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she was like, well, and as soon as I looked up the age, I was like, oh, dude, don't worry about this. | ||
| But I was like, dude, she was like, you can't go out. | ||
| She was in primal fear mode, and I had to be like, trust me, dude. | ||
| I can go out and go cop these mushroom chocolates. | ||
| It's very lucky that it's not scary at all for kids. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's... | ||
| Very lucky. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| It's ideal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the flu is worse for a lot of kids. | ||
| This is my thing. | ||
| You guys talk. | ||
| This is my thing. | ||
| Here's my thing, dude. | ||
| Once they figured out it fucked the older people up big time, if I'm 80 years old, I'd like to think I would be like, yeah, I'll take it, but I wouldn't tell my grandkids if they didn't know what it was. | ||
| Well, they thought in the beginning that it was going to stop transmission, stop people from getting infected, and that it was safe and effective. | ||
| So it made sense that everybody's like, you got it yet. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It made sense. | ||
| The hysteria makes sense. | ||
| People weren't given the best information. | ||
| Do you ever see the CEO of Pfizer talk about it now? | ||
| It's crazy the way he describes it. | ||
| He goes, one to two shots. | ||
| See if you can find this, Jamie. | ||
| He goes, one to two shots gives you very little protection, if any at all. | ||
| And the third shot gives you reasonable protection from hospitalization and death. | ||
| That's what he's saying now. | ||
| That's what he said in some sort of a speech. | ||
| I don't know when this was, but to hear him say it that way, I was like, I have never heard you say it this way before. | ||
| I've never heard anybody say it this way before. | ||
| Yeah, again, it's already like, yeah, make heads or tails of it, but I don't know. | ||
| When it came out, I was like, wait, I'm also scared of needles. | ||
| When it came out, I was like, nah, I'll wait. | ||
| Is that it right here? | ||
| Two doses are not enough for Omicron. | ||
| The third dose, quite good protection against deaths and decent protection against hospitalizations. | ||
| What the fuck does decent mean, though? | ||
| Yeah, that's such a crazy... | ||
| It's weird to hear him say it, though. | ||
| Yeah, it'd be like, ah, you'll be kind of stoked on it. | ||
| It's like, thanks, dude. | ||
| But this is... | ||
| I mean, again, I don't know. | ||
| It's hard to know what's true, but isn't it like a lot of the stuff... | ||
| Aren't, like... | ||
| Are independent people allowed to replicate the studies Pfizer does, or are they not allowed to? | ||
| Well, they don't give you the actual raw data. | ||
| They give you – like when they do peer-reviewed studies on – peer-reviewed reviews of data that the vaccine companies provide them, they don't get access to the raw data. | ||
| They get access to the data that the scientific people that work for the pharmaceutical companies release. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't get all the studies. | ||
| They don't get... | ||
| The vaccine companies are allowed, or pharmaceutical companies rather, with any sort of thing they do, they're allowed to... | ||
| Is this it here? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Okay, play it here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The version that will be effective against Omicron as well is not that it will not be effective against the other variants, but against Omicron as well. | |
| And the hope is that we will achieve something that will have way, way better... | ||
| Protection, particularly against infections, because the protection against the hospitalizations and severe diseases, it is reasonable right now with the current vaccines, as long as you are having, let's say, the third dose. | ||
| This vaccine will be ready in months. | ||
| Yeah, that's not it. | ||
| I can't understand what you're saying. | ||
| I'm trying to find... | ||
| I know he's... | ||
| I know he's... | ||
| But now they're finding out that the new one, this bivalent vaccine, the new data shows that it's no more effective than the other vaccine. | ||
| Well, did you ever get into the antidepressant stuff, how that, like the serotonin hypothesis, that you're allowed to do as many studies as you want, and if you get the one that kind of like is statistically significant, then you can be like, alright, that's our one, run it. | ||
| And it's like, you could have like 800 dogs and have one good one and be like, we got the numbers, go ahead. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's fucked up, and it's never been, as far as I know, the whole hypothesis hasn't been, like, proven to, like, uh, even if you use, like, clinical significance, like, does it actually work in theory? | ||
| Like, because when they, like, when they're doing, like, p-values and shit, you can fuck around with math. | ||
| And just get, like, oh, it's.05, and it's like, oh, cool. | ||
| Yeah, no, they... | ||
| I fucking hate p-values. | ||
| Dude, it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| They bailed on the concept that it's a chemical imbalance. | ||
| They said there's no evidence that it's a chemical imbalance. | ||
| Are we talking depression? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Well, that was the thing that they'd always said about the reason why SSRIs work. | ||
| Because it combats a chemical imbalance. | ||
| But now, find that. | ||
| Find the paper that shows that there's no real evidence that there's a chemical imbalance. | ||
| Did they ever figure out... | ||
| When did they start putting kids on this stuff? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| When did Kambon happen? | ||
| They've looked at that stuff before. | ||
| Because that seems kind of... | ||
| Well, there was Chantix. | ||
| Chantix was the anti-smoking, I think, one. | ||
| And that, like, there was a lawsuit for that. | ||
| That was, like, really fucking good luck. | ||
| What if school shootings really skyrocketed? | ||
| Dude, all I'm saying is they... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't want to say lie about the SSRI thing, but it was like, dude, they didn't give the full picture on those. | ||
| Then there was OxyContin. | ||
| Depression is not caused by chemical imbalance in the brain. | ||
| We don't know how antidepressants work. | ||
| There is no convincing evidence that depression is caused by serotonin abnormalities. | ||
| Many people take antidepressants believing their depression as a biochemical cause. | ||
| Research does not support this belief. | ||
| The notion that antidepressants work by elevating serotonin levels is not supported by the evidence. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Dude, the side effects of these things are fucked up. | ||
| They're very bad. | ||
| This is what's crazy. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Major depression is one of the most common psychological disorders affecting more than 23 million adults and adolescents each year. | ||
| It carries economic costs in the hundreds of billions and is a major risk factor for suicide. | ||
| The causes of depression have not been debated, yet a common explanation holds the culprit is chemical imbalance in the brain. | ||
| This notion emerged not coincidentally in the late 80s with the introduction of Prozac. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| A drug that appeared to help in treating depression by increasing the levels of the brain transmitter serotonin. | ||
| So it makes you feel better. | ||
| And so they said, oh, you must have a chemical imbalance. | ||
| They just juice people up. | ||
| Juice them up with serotonin. | ||
| Like, yay! | ||
| And that makes you feel better. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| I'm alright with it. | ||
| It's fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With what? | |
| Just fuck it, dude. | ||
| In a cubicle? | ||
| Jack it up, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take that shit. | |
| Take fucking heroin. | ||
| How many people do you know that are on Prozac? | ||
| It looks like a good time. | ||
| Almost everyone. | ||
| Everyone you know is on Prozac? | ||
| A lot of people are on... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think a third of women are on Prozac? | |
| Something like an antidepressant, I think. | ||
| I think it's a third of women. | ||
| I bet you feel great. | ||
| Yeah, anti-anxiety. | ||
| It dulls you. | ||
| I think at first it's nice, and then it dulls you. | ||
| From what I've heard, you just stop feeling stuff about anything. | ||
| And then you need to keep upping the dose and upping the dose, and it increases your weight gain. | ||
| Because then you've got to keep making all the serotonin. | ||
| I think serotonin is made from carbohydrates. | ||
| You need carbs to make it so people gain weight because they start fucking gorging themselves on snacks. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And then you get all the sexual dysfunction, ED. What about 5-HTP? There's serotonin precursors that you could take. | ||
| Maybe, but here's my thing. | ||
| If they cause erectile dysfunction, how are you going to be happy without a boner? | ||
| With SSRIs? | ||
| Yes, big time ones. | ||
| How are you going to be happy without a boner, Pfizer? | ||
| For real, every time I've done coke, I've been pretty happy, and a boner was nowhere in its sight. | ||
| Imagine them and Adderall. | ||
| SSRIs and Adderall together. | ||
| You literally don't have a penis. | ||
| It'd be an innie. | ||
| You forget you took Adderall, because you're hammered. | ||
| You go to the bathroom... | ||
| And chances are I'm at a football game or a stadium, so there's guys next to me. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You go up to the urinal, you go... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You just can't get out. | ||
| News of this cannot spread. | ||
| You're pissing all over your underwear. | ||
| It's unbelievable, dude. | ||
| Yo, your dick is fucking this big, dude. | ||
| You gotta break the plane at that point. | ||
| At that point, you're going all the way in. | ||
| Your dick breaks the plane. | ||
| Peyton's going up. | ||
| You're pissing up. | ||
| That's how small your dick is, dude. | ||
| Prozac and Adderall could result in serotonin syndrome, a potentially serious condition. | ||
| Unless closely monitored by a doctor, you should not take Adderall and Prozac together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You probably shouldn't take any of this shit. | ||
| Let's try to have a good time. | ||
| I'm pretty sure anxiety and depression are baked into the human experience. | ||
| I don't think you can get away from it. | ||
| Yeah, you sound like a good Catholic. | ||
| That's what I'm saying, man. | ||
| That's what being Catholic is all about. | ||
| I used to have wicked panic attacks when I was 23, and I was also a gigantic piece of shit. | ||
| And it was the thing that, like, made me start thinking about my life. | ||
| I was, like, shocking in my... | ||
| I was just like, and if I had just gotten medication, I just would have kept being a giant piece of shit. | ||
| So I'm always like, sometimes you gotta go through, you know what I mean? | ||
| You gotta slow through that stuff. | ||
| I was a fucking... | ||
| How'd you pull out of it? | ||
| I just fucking had to come to grips with the fact that I was going to die eventually. | ||
| When you say a piece of shit, you were just... | ||
| Dude, I was just a monster, bro. | ||
| What were you taking? | ||
| Nah, it wasn't even... | ||
| I was just... | ||
| What were you doing? | ||
| Just, like, selling drugs. | ||
| Selling drugs? | ||
| Oh, you were selling drugs. | ||
| Yeah, I was a bad kid. | ||
| I had no excuse. | ||
| I had, like, you know, I wasn't like I was, like, my back to the wall. | ||
| I was just, like, I just, like, got a couple jobs and, like, I don't like this. | ||
| I was like, I should sell drugs. | ||
| What kind of drugs are you selling? | ||
| Pretty much everything. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Weed was the mainstay. | ||
| But then I got coerced into pills. | ||
| I didn't even know what pills did, so my friends would talk me into going and finding pills for them. | ||
| It turned into a whole thing, dude. | ||
| It was bad news. | ||
| How'd you get out of it? | ||
| Just stopped, eventually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Patreon podcast took off. | ||
| Now we're good. | ||
| Thank you, Patreon. | ||
| No, it was, I had, like, I didn't know what pills did, and I remember watching a whole, not even a whole, but, like, it was an apartment complex, and there was these two buildings full of, like, all these kids that were living there. | ||
| It was a long story, but, like, I somehow got my hands on, like, Watson Pharmaceutical, like, jugs of fucking, it was, they were Vicodins. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love that I somehow got my hands on jugs of Vicodin. | ||
| That's never happened to me. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| I've never stumbled upon any jugs of Vicodin. | ||
| I've never opened up a cabinet and, look at these jugs. | ||
| I don't think I've ever seen a Vicodin. | ||
| What's a jug of Vicodin? | ||
| How many are we talking? | ||
| Dude, you know when you're at the pharmacy and you look behind the counter and it's those big boys? | ||
| Oh, like a whey protein bottle? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like one of them big scoop protein things? | ||
| How much was that worth? | ||
| Millions. | ||
| At the time, it was... | ||
| You're going to jail. | ||
| You're talking about this on the podcast. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| No, Statue of Limitations. | ||
| What is the Statue of Limitations? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Statue of Limitations. | ||
| Statue of Limitations, dude. | ||
| I'm in the clear. | ||
| Shades got the shades on. | ||
| It's time. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Okay, here we go. | ||
| Mushrooms kicked in. | ||
| That's basically the thing. | ||
| I was just a fucking nightmare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Turn on the jets. | |
| That was the thing. | ||
| Statute of limitations. | ||
| This was before the statute. | ||
| The French gave us this. | ||
| I was laying in bed just going, what the fuck am I doing in my fucking life? | ||
| Having panic attacks. | ||
| And it forced me to be like, yeah, it's probably a pretty bad idea. | ||
| So how'd you phase out of it? | ||
| I just stopped. | ||
| It made me develop like a sense of like, yeah, this is fucking other people up and I like saw people getting fucked up and I'm like, I'm gonna stop doing this. | ||
| And you kept getting robbed at gunpoint. | ||
| And I kept getting robbed at gunpoint. | ||
| How many times did you get robbed at gunpoint? | ||
| Twice. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, twice. | ||
| Twice. | ||
| After the first time, you're like, this is never gonna happen again. | ||
| After the first time, I went back. | ||
| The plug robbed me at gunpoint and he was like, I won't do it again. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| You said, yes, daddy. | ||
| The plug? | ||
| What's the plug? | ||
| The dude who's your supplier. | ||
| Oh, your supplier robbed you at gunpoint. | ||
| Well, yeah, it was kind of a mess. | ||
| I would give him money and he would go get them. | ||
| And then one time he came back without them and I was like, dude, just have them. | ||
| I was so scared of these guys. | ||
| And I was like, you can just keep it all. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| And he was like, how do I know you didn't set me up? | ||
| And he pulled a gun out on me. | ||
| And I was like, ugh. | ||
| And my roommate walked down and went, ah! | ||
| And they both just ran out. | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| And so then you tried to buy from him again? | ||
| No, I told him. | ||
| He, like, time passed, and he's like, dude, I'm so sorry. | ||
| I found out who actually robbed me. | ||
| He's like, if you could come back, I'll take care of you, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| You know, I'll, like, make it worth your while, and I'll just, you'll never have to put any money up ever again. | ||
| And then what happened? | ||
| I just went back, started, you know. | ||
| And then he happened to just pull his gun off. | ||
| Then, apparently, he got in trouble for, I think he tried to shoot at somebody. | ||
| So I went back to pay him back one time, and then some guy was like, nah, he's in jail. | ||
| He tried to shoot someone. | ||
| But he tried to, you said he pulled the gun on you twice. | ||
| Once. | ||
| A different guy pulled a gun on me. | ||
| You said he would never do it again. | ||
| He didn't. | ||
| He was true to his word. | ||
| So that guy would never do it again. | ||
| Or the other guy did it. | ||
| Some other guy. | ||
| I was in a house and a guy came in with a gun. | ||
| That stunk. | ||
| What was this about? | ||
| Weed. | ||
| Pounds. | ||
| They just said, give me your weed? | ||
| Yeah, it was kind of like one of those things where a guy comes in and he goes, oh my god, some guy happened to be behind me with a gun. | ||
| Everyone get down. | ||
| And I was sitting there like, this is bullshit. | ||
| So then he just took the money, took the weed, and then he was like... | ||
| Just like, who the fuck, you know, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| He started telling me, like, I was on his territory. | ||
| And I was like, dude, come on, man. | ||
| And I just sat there, and he just talked for, like, two minutes. | ||
| And he was like, if you guys try to look out the window, there's people outside. | ||
| They're going to shoot you. | ||
| He took all of your cell phones. | ||
| I did have a thousand bucks behind my back, though. | ||
| I didn't tell him about, so I got to keep that. | ||
| That's pretty sweet. | ||
| That was pretty tough. | ||
| A lot of people would have lost their composure. | ||
| Thankfully, that other guy pulled his gun on you before. | ||
| Dude, you know what happens, though, is you lose... | ||
| Everything slows down and you're able to like I was in that the first time I just shit my pants the second time I was like Looking at the kid who I never met before who I knew kind of set this up because I watched one kid I knew like being a real state of fear And I watched this other guy pretending to be scared all while this guy in a ski mask was like with a gun and it was just like fuck I really hope like the part of my brain like I might get shot just went offline and I was able to watch and be like I'm gonna fucking kill this little motherfucker when this guy you know blah blah blah but And so how long after that did | ||
| you stop? | ||
| A couple years. | ||
| I was chasing the bag, dude. | ||
| For real. | ||
| I got robbed. | ||
| I didn't make any money. | ||
| I got robbed constantly. | ||
| I was too trusting. | ||
| I got robbed by club one time. | ||
| Club point. | ||
| It sucked. | ||
| Club? | ||
| Irishman with a shillelagh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, oh, you better give me the weed. | |
| It's like, wait if you got... | ||
| Not again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Damn. | ||
| He's a non-violent drug dealer. | ||
| So how did you start making money when you quit? | ||
| I always worked in construction and stuff, too. | ||
| I'd always have a side gig, so I never depended on one too much. | ||
| So I could always say, like, fuck you to my job if I didn't like it. | ||
| And if things got weird, I could be like, I'm not going to do that. | ||
| I would chill. | ||
| So I had a kind of hybrid approach. | ||
| And how did you get into podcasting? | ||
| I was just a comedian. | ||
| Me and Shane were just living together. | ||
| I'm like, dude, can we please do a podcast? | ||
| I'm fucking dying here, dude. | ||
| I was playing video games. | ||
| I was like, yeah, fuck it. | ||
| Yeah, I was just... | ||
| What is it called again, in case we forget? | ||
| Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| But yeah, man, that was not the way. | ||
| That was not the way. | ||
| No, it doesn't sound like the way. | ||
| Sounds like you got some good stories out of it, though, and you lived. | ||
| Pretty good, yeah. | ||
| Pretty good. | ||
| But I was living according to a fucked up system, and it was like things called mental disorders got me out of it. | ||
| That's what I'm trying to say. | ||
| We're like, dude, my body was like, this is fucked up. | ||
| Dude, when you were crying? | ||
| Tell that story. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| When you were crying after you tried to sell real estate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| Yeah, and I became a realtor, too. | ||
| I was 19. I was a realtor. | ||
| I was like selling Percocets. | ||
| I'm like, I'm gonna become a realtor and really expand my empire. | ||
| Imagine a 19-year-old kid trying to sell your house. | ||
| I had like a shaved head and I would come in and like people would just be like, yeah, we're not gonna use you and I'd cry in my car and be like, fuck, it's so fucking hard. | ||
| You see, we weren't gonna use you? | ||
| We're gonna buy the house but we won't use you? | ||
| They would say they were gonna use me and then I'd be like, sweet, I'm about to make 4,000 bucks and I would like take a credit card and max it out being like, payday's coming and then they'd be like, yeah, we're actually going with someone else and I'd be like, fuck. | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| I'm fucking ruined! | ||
| Isn't that a dirty move in the real estate world? | ||
| Yeah, but, you know, but what happens... | ||
| He's 19. You're like, yeah, whatever. | ||
| Well, in real estate, what people do is they go, we'll get you, like, what did the other guy say he can get you for your house? | ||
| And they'll go pie in the sky. | ||
| Because you'll just go, oh, yeah, that sounds better. | ||
| But then they know it's not going to sell for that, but they sign you into the contract. | ||
| And they slowly lower you down, which kind of fucks you. | ||
| Because that, like, first week's kind of important. | ||
| If they see you've lowered the price, then they go, oh, they're open to negotiations. | ||
| Don't get me started, bro. | ||
| I'm a fucking certified fucking realtor. | ||
| You and Tim Dillon should do a podcast just on real estate. | ||
| Dude, I remember I was like, I'm going to start being a grown-up and reading the newspaper, and I open it up, and it was like, subprime mortgage crisis. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck's that? | ||
| That's Tim. | ||
| Was he a realtor too? | ||
| It's all his fault. | ||
| Oh dude, he was all over that. | ||
| He was a subprime mortgage guy. | ||
| Was he really? | ||
| Yeah, that's what he did. | ||
| He fucked me. | ||
| He was in Long Island. | ||
| Didn't Tim have like houses? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That he was in? | ||
| Well, he had one house that got repossessed. | ||
| Yeah, he bought it for like $600,000 when he was 21 years old, worth nothing. | ||
| And then they took it from him and then it sold for $250,000. | ||
| So it's like right after 2008, everything crashed. | ||
| He lost everything. | ||
| But he's like, why the fuck did they sell me a house? | ||
| I mean, he's exactly right. | ||
| The way he describes, we did a podcast together recently, his podcast, that we filmed here, but the way he describes it, it's funny. | ||
| I listened. | ||
| It was a good episode. | ||
| He goes, everybody's at fault. | ||
| You knew you couldn't fucking buy that house. | ||
| Like, why are you trying to buy that house if you don't have a job? | ||
| And they sold you the house. | ||
| Like, whoa, whoa, okay. | ||
| And then they took it from you. | ||
| And you're a victim? | ||
| He's like, come on. | ||
| You shouldn't have bought that house. | ||
| Fair is fair. | ||
| But that's looking at it one way. | ||
| Another way is looking at it like some family that, like, scrapes together money and the bank convinces them this can work out. | ||
| And then their fucking rates go through the roof. | ||
| And then they can't afford their house anymore. | ||
| Now they're fucked. | ||
| Yeah, it is kind of a... | ||
| Like, once it's like the house is $400,000, even if you have good credit, you're like, how much am I going to pay? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| And they're like, over 30 years, you're going to pay $400,000 in interest. | ||
| And you're like, whatever, man. | ||
| You crying in front of that real estate thing was kind of... | ||
| That was one of our very close... | ||
| That was like our bonding story. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Him, like, sitting out there. | ||
| He said he was crying after a deal didn't go through and a guy drove by on a bike. | ||
| No, that was... | ||
| Pussy. | ||
| No, that was when I... That was when I got divorced. | ||
| I used to go every day to my house that I was living in when I was married and I'd walk the dog from my ex, my ex-wife, because, like, you know, she was at work and I didn't want to, like, you know, fuck her over. | ||
| You love the dog, too. | ||
| I fucking love the dog, bro. | ||
| The Akita. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| I get choked up about that. | ||
| It's a great dog. | ||
| My wife knows it. | ||
| She's like, how's the dog? | ||
| I go, don't fucking bring that up, dude. | ||
| Chances are this is going to reach that dog's ear. | ||
| The what? | ||
| What you're saying right now. | ||
| She showed me a picture the other day. | ||
| Your dog's at home right now. | ||
| It's going to go. | ||
| Don't, dude. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| But yeah, I used to drive. | ||
| I would go there. | ||
| I'd walk the dog. | ||
| I'd walk through the house. | ||
| And I'd be like, God, I'm a fucking piece of shit. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Then I'd drive home and cry the whole way home. | ||
| And then I saw a guy jogging, and I was like crying in my car, and I was like, pussy, out of the window. | ||
| I called him a pussy. | ||
| I was trying to make myself feel better. | ||
| And he just looked at me like, what the fuck, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we had the same sort of- I was like, nice shorts, pussy. | |
| I bombed at helium. | ||
| I was driving back to our house, and there was just a finance bro on a bike. | ||
| And I was just driving by him, and I was like, pussy. | ||
| And I hit a red light, and I saw him flying, dude. | ||
| For like a mile, I saw this dude pedaling to catch up to me. | ||
| My windows were down, and I had a thought. | ||
| I was like, do I pull the window up? | ||
| I was like, no. | ||
| I get whatever he's about to give me. | ||
| I genuinely had that thought. | ||
| I was like, he deserves it. | ||
| Dude, he stuck his head in my window, and he goes, nice car, you fucking faggot. | ||
| And then I went, and we both started laughing, and he paddled away. | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He laughed? | |
| He laughed. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| I mean, as soon as he hit me with what he said, and I didn't react by like, yeah, right, I laughed. | ||
| I laughed. | ||
| When he said that, I was like, yo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| I can't believe you said that. | ||
| He hit me with like a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious! | |
| It was such a nice moment. | ||
| That's a good exchange. | ||
| It was a genuine nice exchange. | ||
| Yeah, like an aggressive exchange, but you both walked away feeling good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We both... | |
| I, for no reason, I was just leaving Helium. | ||
| I saw a guy on a bike, and I was like, nice bike, fucking loser. | ||
| And he caught up. | ||
| He goes, nice piece of shit car, you fucking... | ||
| We used to yell out of car windows constantly. | ||
| Yelling out of car, we used to live on Drexel's campus. | ||
| And it was back right when the woke stuff was starting. | ||
| It was the most fun shit in the world. | ||
| We'd leave open mics. | ||
| I'd be drunk just sitting out of a car. | ||
| We'd pull up to a light. | ||
| There'd be college students. | ||
| I'd be like, uh, excuse me? | ||
| Could you please check your privilege? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could you please check your fucking privilege? | |
| It was so fun. | ||
| The reactions were unbelievable. | ||
| They would get pissed. | ||
| It would confuse the fuck out of them. | ||
| Fuck you, dude! | ||
| Dude, this is a hilarious exchange with this dude who I guess is like this right-wing comedian. | ||
| He goes to one of these Ukraine protests and he brings a homeless guy and he says, my wife's boyfriend is homeless. | ||
| You know, why don't you help him and the homeless people here? | ||
| And this guy like legitimately tries to engage him. | ||
| Like, why are we sending all this money to Ukraine? | ||
| We have this homeless problem right here. | ||
| My wife's boyfriend's homeless. | ||
| And he's got this dude with his shirt off, and he's like shaking his cup with change in it, like, come on man, give me some money. | ||
| I'm like, we donate some money to him, and the guy like tries to engage about the problems with Ukraine, and we have a legitimate problem with Ukraine. | ||
| I mean, what else do you do? | ||
| But this guy is like that liberal. | ||
| That liberal robot zombie repeating shit that he saw on CNBC just saying it. | ||
| He's got no shot. | ||
| If somebody comes with a homeless dude and starts fucking with you, if they're a tag team, you and a homeless dude roll up and start fucking with people. | ||
| It's just funny watching this guy trying to engage with these liberal Ukraine talking points. | ||
| You know, what Russia has done... | ||
| Yeah, this is it right here. | ||
| Give me some volume on this. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh, it's uh... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this guy. | |
| Yeah, but what about the homeless people right here in America? | ||
| Don't you think $100 billion to Ukraine is allowed? | ||
| In this case, I'm simply asking this of Congress. | ||
| Are you asking Congress for this? | ||
| Yeah, I think they should help the homeless instead of giving hundreds of billions of dollars to Ukraine. | ||
| Putin has been threatening to attack other countries, including the ISIS. | ||
| Do you have any money? | ||
| Do you want to give him any money? | ||
| Putin has been threatening to attack other countries, including the United States. | ||
| That's fucked up, dude. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| That shit's hilarious. | ||
| Just watching that guy actually try to engage him. | ||
| Actually, Putin's been threatening to invade other countries. | ||
| Well, that guy's gone. | ||
| Anybody out there is gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy's gone, too. | ||
| Well, the guy who's doing the video? | ||
| No, well, maybe, but the guy holding up a Ukrainian-American flag, that's an insane person. | ||
| Yeah, kind of an altist, too, a little bit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Or maybe not, though. | ||
| He might just be clammed up. | ||
| Something's wrong with him. | ||
| What percentage of people do you think, like, genuinely can't think for themselves? | ||
| That is terrifying. | ||
| A lot of people can't think for themselves. | ||
| And not only that, but they've had jobs where they've been forced to, like, all day, every day, follow the rules, you know, listen to the boss, be told when to show up, what to do, and you just get into this drone mindset. | ||
| And then there becomes an ideology that everybody in your business shares. | ||
| And you have to share that ideology or you get pushed out into the fringes of the social group. | ||
| Attachment stuff fucks people up. | ||
| It fucks people up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then, you know, they say, well, a good way to get brownie points is to tell people I protested. | |
| I protested. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to show up. | ||
| I'm going to let everybody know that I'm with the cause. | ||
| Yeah, the Milgram experiments were fucked up. | ||
| Like two-thirds of the people just let him, they were like, yeah, I'll just shock this guy. | ||
| What was the Milgram experience? | ||
| That was the one where they were like, the guy in a lab coat would be like, turn up the voltage now. | ||
| Like a guy as an authority figure, he'd be like, turn it up now. | ||
| And then they'd be like, the guy would be like, no, hell, please, it hurts. | ||
| And the guys, the people would be like sweating and like, they didn't want to do it on some level, but for some reason they just kept obeying this guy. | ||
| Like if he was like an authority figure, he'd be like, do it. | ||
| He's doing a lab coat. | ||
| Do it now, yeah. | ||
| You must do that. | ||
| He didn't yell or anything, like, you must do this. | ||
| And they were like, fuck, man. | ||
| And they were like, and only like two-thirds, I think only a third of the people went like, fuck this, dude, this is fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, they would make it so the guy in the other room would pass out or die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would go from screaming and screaming and screaming, and then towards the end, the guy would be silent. | ||
| And he'd be like, shock him again. | ||
| These people off the street would be like... | ||
| It was like an overwhelming amount of people would just obey this, mindlessly obey an authority figure. | ||
| Do you think that's some program shit from back when we were hunter-gatherers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably. | |
| You just had to follow rules. | ||
| You didn't listen to the chief. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Because, yeah, if you got kicked out, you would die. | ||
| If they're like, you know, buzz off, you would die. | ||
| Yeah, there's a thing that people have where they look to authority. | ||
| That's why the Trump thing was so interesting. | ||
| Because he's this big, larger-than-life character that has confidence. | ||
| And he's telling you what's going on. | ||
| I'm your leader. | ||
| I'm the best leader. | ||
| Best one you've ever had. | ||
| And he's doing this, and everybody's like, yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| And you find out, like, the problems with the education system, the chickens have come home to roost, motherfucker. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because there's millions of dummies. | ||
| Millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of dummies in this country. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| They would take so much to boost them out of dummyhood. | ||
| So much. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| You could exploit them. | ||
| You have to do kids. | ||
| You can't take adults and, like, shatter their worldview. | ||
| Or be like, two things can be true simultaneously. | ||
| The average is gonna go, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? | ||
| Some adults can handle it. | ||
| Some adults can grow. | ||
| But it's hard to grow when you're working all day. | ||
| And if you're working all day in a place where you have to follow the rules and you have to, like, stay in that mindset that we're talking about and be a part of that ideology, very hard to stray outside of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because who are you gonna tell? | ||
| Who are you going to pull aside? | ||
| If you're one of those right-wing Christian groups and you go, well, maybe if someone gets raped, they shouldn't have to carry a kid. | ||
| And then they all surround you. | ||
| You're talking about murdering. | ||
| Murdering an innocent human life. | ||
| Murdering. | ||
| Your whole family is being like, we're going to fuck you up. | ||
| It's like the Westboro chick that got out of it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She was on this. | ||
| She was on fucking Howard Stern's Hollywood Squares. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's one of my favorite things. | ||
| You ever see those Hollywood Squares? | ||
| No. | ||
| Megan Phelps was on that? | ||
| Yeah, it was the Phelps. | ||
| I think their block was gay haters. | ||
| It was like them. | ||
| It was like Gilbert Gottfried, Daniel Carver. | ||
| One block was just called The Retards. | ||
| It was... | ||
| I mean, it was nuts. | ||
| Yeah, it was wild. | ||
| Look, what he did, I mean, look, people to this day, they make fun of Howard Stern because of who he is now and the way he behaves now. | ||
| That guy's the man. | ||
| He was the fucking pioneer. | ||
| When he was the king of all media and he was telling everybody to suck his dick and the FCC was going after him, the government was fining him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were finding his businesses fucking millions of dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he was out there doing wild shit on the radio. | ||
| He was putting a Klansman on with fucking Young Thug. | ||
| And now he's woke. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Trick Daddy? | ||
| Trick Daddy. | ||
| Yeah, he has to be, though, because, dude, the skeleton's that guy. | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| God hates. | ||
| Oh, and she escaped. | ||
| No, there's also Hollywood Squares, but yes. | ||
| They used to bring them back all the time. | ||
| You know, what's interesting, too, is that when you talk to Megan Phelps, this woman who left the Westboro Baptist Church, and, you know, she wrote a book, and she's so kind, like, so normal and interesting, and she realized she had to get out, and she got out by meeting a guy on Twitter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some guy on Twitter was, like, arguing back and forth with her, and so she engages with this guy, and they start having, like, civil conversations, and then they meet, and they wind up marrying. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I mean, she's a little... | ||
| She's very nice, man. | ||
| That's Bonk City, dude. | ||
| Yeah, but dude, she's very nice. | ||
| If you met her, she's super nice. | ||
| She's pretty, she's smart. | ||
| But she was raised in the Westboro Baptist Church. | ||
| For her to get out of that takes... | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Well, she knew it was hypocritical. | ||
| She was confronted by actual biblical lessons. | ||
| This guy would confront her with actual biblical stuff. | ||
| This is not what God said. | ||
| This is not what's in the Bible. | ||
| What they're doing, what Fred Phelps is doing, is wrong. | ||
| It's against Jesus' teaching. | ||
| And she's like showing. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And then he smashed. | ||
| And then he smashed her pussy with his penis. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| They probably got married first. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Almost definitely. | ||
| Quickly. | ||
| But how nice was that sex? | ||
| He was butting her up with the Proverbs, dude. | ||
| How nice was that sex? | ||
| Baby, baby, baby. | ||
| Dude, while they're fucking just like, song of songs. | ||
| 8, 13. Yeah, that's pretty cool that he did that. | ||
| He got it out. | ||
| You could get sucked into anything. | ||
| If you're in it when you're young, you get indoctrinated. | ||
| I mean, that's how every fucking cult does it. | ||
| There's so many of them that can do it. | ||
| Voice of authority. | ||
| This is the rules. | ||
| Everybody follows the rules. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're drinking the fucking Kool-Aid. | ||
| You're literally like, fuck it, everyone else here is killing themselves. | ||
| They got young kids badly, though. | ||
| Because they somehow hijacked the definition of being cool. | ||
| And it's like, you gotta love government and big corporations, and then you're cool. | ||
| And all the young kids now, a lot of them are fucking warped on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think that's sustainable. | ||
| They're gonna get their dreams shattered over and over and over again, and they're gonna come out of it on the other side and realize they got fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the putting your faith in the pharmaceutical drug companies and the government, and then the climate crisis crew that's trying to make money off that, all of it is just like, you're carrying water for people that have been stealing money forever. | ||
| Forever and ever and ever, on both sides. | ||
| On both sides. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| For fucking sure. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| They're all dirty. | ||
| That's why it's interesting when you watch this Biden thing. | ||
| It's like, oh, the machine's in motion. | ||
| Oh, with the... | ||
| The machine to get rid of him is in motion. | ||
| All they gotta do to get rid of him is let him give an interview. | ||
| Well, they're letting him talk now. | ||
| It'll be gone. | ||
| They're letting him do this now. | ||
| They were hiding him through the entire... | ||
| You know, like, during the presidential campaign, remember when he was hiding? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Basically hiding. | ||
| He did one Adderall'd up debate... | ||
| Trump dog was adderalled up in the first one. | ||
| They're all adderalled up. | ||
| Trump dog was adderalled up. | ||
| He wouldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| All he had to do to win the debate was shut the fuck up and let Biden talk. | ||
| He did a great job in the second one. | ||
| The second one he dominated. | ||
| It was too late. | ||
| He acted like a fucking asshole in the first one. | ||
| The whole country saw it. | ||
| I was watching it like, dude, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Let Biden not be able to talk. | ||
| That's all you have to do. | ||
| He'd just make facial expressions. | ||
| He could have just went... | ||
| The problem also, this is the real problem, the debate format is ridiculous. | ||
| If you are talking to someone who is going to be the President of the United States, and you have five minutes to say what you're saying, or 30 seconds, or a minute, whatever, any kind of time constraint like that is ridiculous. | ||
| When Lincoln used to give speeches, they would do it outside with no mic for hours. | ||
| They would talk for hours and hours and hours about what they wanted to do and how they wanted to do it. | ||
| And then people would sit there and listen to it. | ||
| And you get an understanding of what the fuck this guy's all about. | ||
| You don't... | ||
| You're giving these, like... | ||
| Time is up, Mr. President. | ||
| Your time is up. | ||
| And he keeps trying to finish the sentence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| How do they not have real-time fact-checking? | ||
| Well, they do, but now all of a sudden that's kind of weird. | ||
| Right, who does it? | ||
| Snopes? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They'll fact-check the one guy and not the other guy. | ||
| And then you're sitting there going, wait, is that true? | ||
| Well, a lot of things were fact-checked during COVID that turned out to actually be true. | ||
| And they were fact-checked as false. | ||
| And now we openly admit they're true. | ||
| If they get caught lying during the thing, it should be like, no, that's actually false. | ||
| Yeah, but these independent fact checkers, a lot of the fact checks are very subjective, how they view the information. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's funny too, those debates could be good, but the only guys that are willing to speak up and say, there's one from Ron Paul in 08, that's like, damn, that was a good, that guy's, Yang would come up and make a good point. | ||
| The guys that are going to win don't even try to make a good point. | ||
| They're just up there like... | ||
| It would have been very interesting to see if Ron Paul won. | ||
| If Ron Paul won, that would have been very interesting. | ||
| That would have been very interesting. | ||
| I don't even think he was... | ||
| He was independent, right? | ||
| Yeah, but I don't even think he was... | ||
| He was nothing. | ||
| No, but his ideas about non-interventionalist foreign policy, like, it resonated with a lot of people. | ||
| Like, why are we the police of the world? | ||
| Dude, he gave that speech in a debate. | ||
| They're like, something about 9-11. | ||
| And he went off on, like, why do you think it happened? | ||
| He's like, why? | ||
| It was at a Republican convention where everyone was like, Boom, shut the fuck up. | ||
| They hate our freedom. | ||
| He's like, they don't fucking hate our freedom. | ||
| It was like a nice, it was like a good moment. | ||
| It ended his career. | ||
| Or his bid for the election, but it's pretty sick. | ||
| His son's a badass. | ||
| His son tried to give a speech. | ||
| His son is a badass. | ||
| You like Rand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the guy who goes after Fauci? | |
| Yeah, that was the guy who was always attacking Fauci. | ||
| Well, he was right. | ||
| He was attacking him about gain-of-function research, and Fauci was just something lying. | ||
| That was shady. | ||
| Why did Trump get him? | ||
| Yeah, why'd Trump get ran? | ||
| Rand was in a debate, and he was like, I haven't gone after your looks at all. | ||
| And trust me, there's a lot of material there. | ||
| Rand's handsome! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rand's handsome! | |
| And Rand Paul was just like, what? | ||
| My looks? | ||
| What are you talking about, man? | ||
| Trump just was like, you're fucking ugly. | ||
| I haven't made fun of you for being ugly. | ||
| I could if I wanted to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's not even ugly! | |
| I know, he's a normal dude. | ||
| To have that kind of confidence with that head of hair is preposterous. | ||
| Go after people's looks, and you're literally wearing a mirage. | ||
| Rand Paul was literally like... | ||
| Right, he didn't handle it. | ||
| Well, I think they would all approach it very differently now. | ||
| They're probably like, oh, next time I'll get him. | ||
| Yeah, they've done it already. | ||
| 2024, I'm gonna fuck him up. | ||
| No, they've all got nasty. | ||
| In a soundbite debate, they could never come near him. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's a master performer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's a guy who's been speaking publicly forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Yeah, and he's mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's mean. | |
| He'll go on and be like, yo, you're ugly as fuck. | ||
| And he has comedy timing. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| He'd be in jail. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| That was... | ||
| Boom. | ||
| I mean, that was in a debate, and the crowd was like, ahhh. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Because you'd be in jail. | ||
| And you see the moment when he thinks of it. | ||
| His eyebrows kind of wiggle. | ||
| When he got Hillary Clinton. | ||
| It was when he got Rosie O'Donnell. | ||
| You could see him. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Kelly? | ||
| She's like asking. | ||
| She's like, I got you on this. | ||
| You've called women this. | ||
| You've called women this. | ||
| You can see him go. | ||
| And he adjusts the mic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As soon as he knows it, he goes... | |
| Only Rosie O'Donnell. | ||
| There it is, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got it. | |
| Over. | ||
| Destroy. | ||
| What did she say, though, for the record? | ||
| It was well beyond Rosie O'Donnell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I'm sure it was. | |
| Yes, I'm sure it was. | ||
| Just somebody telling you facts and you're like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| It's also super hot lawyer, Megyn Kelly. | ||
| The prototype of the Fox, blonde, super hot assassin lady. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| To me, they're the hottest. | ||
| Those super hot Republican ladies on Fox They're the hottest women alive. | ||
| I went to Mar-a-Lago. | ||
| They're so hot. | ||
| I went to Mar-a-Lago. | ||
| There was ten of them walking around. | ||
| They're just around. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| They're so hot. | ||
| They're the hottest women alive. | ||
| Those Foxbots? | ||
| Foxbots. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| Well, they fucking sit there. | ||
| I had this whole bit about, like, Megyn Kelly is literally wearing a vagina curtain. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I mean, it's not even a good curtain, like a blackout curtain you'd have in a theater. | ||
| It's like the little curtain grandma has over a kitchen window sill, where the window's open. | ||
| The sun's shining through. | ||
| Whispers in the breeze. | ||
| The sun's coming through a little. | ||
| A small amount of cloth between that and her underwear, which is just this tiny little piece of cloth that's over her vagina. | ||
| Don't give me three, you're trying to give me heart. | ||
| Bro, you're not posing, guys. | ||
| They all have beautiful legs, and their whole leg is exposed. | ||
| No man could ever dress that way. | ||
| You see their feet, you see their toes, and their legs are crossed. | ||
| I mean, it's a preposterous way of dressing. | ||
| You have full cleavage, arms are exposed, there's so much skin. | ||
| It's a weapon. | ||
| It is wild, though, the attire that women are allowed to wear in certain situations. | ||
| So sexual and compared to what men wear. | ||
| Men cover up, suit, a tie, and that's a man dressing nice. | ||
| A woman dressing nice. | ||
| You could see half of her tits, you see most of her legs, you see her feet, you see her toes, you see her painted little toes, perfect Perfect little feet. | ||
| Goddamn, Joe. | ||
| Long arms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| Flowing hair. | ||
| And she's wearing makeup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Full face. | |
| I'm about to get in that fucking ice bath. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| You better slow down. | ||
| She's looking at you in the eyes like, I'm mad. | ||
| And you're like, fuck, I've been so fucking bad. | ||
| I know you're mad. | ||
| Lips of color that only exists in flowers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you ever get into super normal stimuli? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| How they trick butterflies into dedicating their whole lives. | ||
| Yeah, this is all I've ever wanted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're fucked up. | |
| For seven years. | ||
| This is the moment, dude. | ||
| I was wondering how he would do. | ||
| I knew you were going to do this, dude. | ||
| He sent me the longest fucking text message. | ||
| I was so afraid. | ||
| Like, bummed out that he's asking me to have you come along. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, for sure. | ||
| I know, but it was this long thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's not. | |
| It was like eight texts. | ||
| That's what kind of guy he is, dude. | ||
| It is risky, because you don't know. | ||
| You'd be like, this motherfucker's fucking changing my show. | ||
| Yeah, but he knows me. | ||
| I know, we're friends, but like, it's still like a, hey, you want me to bring another guy? | ||
| It's kind of, I know, let's go. | ||
| But I also knew, I knew in my heart of hearts, Matt would rise to the occasion and say things like, have you ever heard of super stimuli or whatever bullshit that was? | ||
| I knew it was in there. | ||
| It's fucked up to think about because you can attract people, you can attract species to, you find what they're innately attracted to and you produce a version of that that's so pumped up nature can't reproduce it and it hijacks your biology. | ||
| Like Doritos. | ||
| Like fake tits? | ||
| Yes, fake tits, Doritos. | ||
| They would get these butterflies that are like the deeper the shade of purple, like some type of butterfly. | ||
| The males would follow this. | ||
| They would go to that to like mate with the female. | ||
| They started getting these like dark purple construction papers. | ||
| These male butterflies would dedicate their whole lives to just like floating around this piece of paper and they'd die. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And then we have human beings who are getting hit with the same shit. | ||
| Like flavor-blasted goldfish? | ||
| That's outside of nature's capacity. | ||
| Right, that makes sense. | ||
| And then you get hooked to the fake thing and it hijacks your biology and you're like, I want that. | ||
| Sour Patch Kids. | ||
| Yes, dude. | ||
| 4-inch Doritos. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| I start eating Sour Patch Kids, I can't stop it. | ||
| I go, just one, just one. | ||
| And the next thing, I eat a bag of candy and I'm sitting there having a fucking diabetes attack. | ||
| Dude, if you go into a convenience store, 99% of the shit is bad for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's bad for you. | ||
| You can get some beef jerky. | ||
| It's pretty good if you buy a bottle of water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| You gotta buy those hard-boiled eggs that are in a plastic bag at a gas station. | ||
| That's if you got your head on straight. | ||
| That's actually a safe bet. | ||
| No, that's actually a safe bet. | ||
| The hard-boiled eggs are a pretty good bet. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because, first of all, you can keep eggs for a long time. | ||
| Eggs you could leave on a counter. | ||
| They don't go bad. | ||
| They're encased, right? | ||
| And then when they cook it, once they cook it, it's boiled all the way through, so you don't have to worry about salmonella. | ||
| Put that bitch in a fucking saran wrap. | ||
| I'm saying the... | ||
| But the societal repercussions of eating it publicly outweigh the nutritional. | ||
| Dude, I was with a guy who we were on a road trip. | ||
| He got in the car and started eating fucking eggs out of a plastic bag at a gas station. | ||
| That's me, bro. | ||
| I was like, we're done, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You and me. | |
| Hard-boiled eggs. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| I would 100% eat that. | ||
| Not only would I eat that, I would be flocked to that. | ||
| I'd be like, ooh, that's what I'm looking for. | ||
| Peeled and ready to eat? | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I'd eat five of those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I peeled it. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| This is out of control. | ||
| No preservatives. | ||
| No preservatives. | ||
| Those are the worst. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| You don't have to preserve them. | ||
| Those are the scary ones. | ||
| You go to a southern gas station. | ||
| I just bought a jug the other day. | ||
| I went to the gas station. | ||
| I was at the gas station and they had eggs with jalapenos in them. | ||
| I was like, oh, spicy boiled eggs? | ||
| Spicy pickled eggs? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| One of the farts, though. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| True. | ||
| They're terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's whatever you want. | |
| That's exhaust flames, dude. | ||
| That's absolute exhaust flames. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The most terrible fart in a Tesla is just eating fucking gas station eggs. | |
| That's protein, dude. | ||
| The most terrible farts that I can make are pasta with, like, meat sauce. | ||
| If I have pasta with, like, sausage, with the tomato sauce and a giant bowl of spaghetti. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So I'll eat sausage or something before a show. | ||
| Now I'm drinking Bud Lights. | ||
| Now we're going into the show. | ||
| I'm burping in the front row. | ||
| It's an hour-long show. | ||
| I'm literally on stage going... | ||
| I see people in the front like... | ||
| How many times have you ever farted on stage and knew it was horrific? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never, dude? | |
| You farted on stage? | ||
| I farted on stage once. | ||
| It must have been so comfortable. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| I was so embarrassed. | ||
| I moved to a different part of the stage. | ||
| Pretend it wasn't me. | ||
| Did you stop talking while you were farting or did you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember. | |
| It was a long time ago, but I remember it was so bad that I was like, oh no, I gotta get away from this. | ||
| Dude, I've been chasing that. | ||
| I've not been able to fart on stage. | ||
| I didn't think you could do it. | ||
| We've been discussing this. | ||
| Dude, I'd go right to mic. | ||
| I'd go to mic and amplify. | ||
| You gotta fart into the mic. | ||
| Depends on what. | ||
| Joey did that before in the OR. He was in the middle of a bit. | ||
| Must've exploded. | ||
| So I'm talking this dude. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| He goes, suka! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Killed! | |
| It wasn't killed! | ||
| He stuck a microphone in his asshole! | ||
| And then you are next! | ||
| And you got his fucking forked ass! | ||
| Did it work? | ||
| Because the way I would imagine is the crowd going... | ||
| Oh, we died. | ||
| Like, people must have been like, what was that? | ||
| It was at the store in the OR. The store in the OR is basically doing stand-up in a prison colony. | ||
| It's like, the people are savages. | ||
| Like, they're so accustomed to, especially back then, they're so accustomed to just this wild comedy and Brian Holtzman and all these different fucking people going up slaying and talking about all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| It's dark as fuck in there. | ||
| You can't see anything. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| That club today? | ||
| Yeah, it's a different animal. | ||
| Hopefully we can get that going. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| One of those types of rooms. | ||
| Yeah, I thought you meant that club, the store. | ||
| Yeah, how about that place? | ||
| It looks nice, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We're close. | ||
| If you can get a room like that where guys are farting in mics, I'm coming. | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| This country might have a chance, dude. | ||
| We got a chance. | ||
| That's the new Liberty Bell. | ||
| It actually might be the Liberty Bell. | ||
| It's the Alamo for comedy. | ||
| It really might be. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| That's what Louis called it. | ||
| The Alamo? | ||
| He said, you're building us an Alamo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sweet Lou. | ||
| It is fucked up, dude. | ||
| I mean, dude, it's literally the sign of totalitarian oppression to be like, yo, seriously, don't fucking joke about that. | ||
| Yeah, don't joke about that. | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
| And people don't realize that, but people have realized that throughout history. | ||
| The Lakotas had a sacred person in their tribe called the Hayoka, who'd make fun of everything. | ||
| I would have fucking hated that. | ||
| Oh, that guy sucks ass, dude. | ||
| And he would hide behind it, too. | ||
| Like comedians. | ||
| It's just a joke. | ||
| You'd be like, Heyoka, dude, for real, stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It would be like roast battle every day. | |
| It would be like roast battle every day. | ||
| You're a shitty Indian. | ||
| You can't catch anything. | ||
| Every day the Hayoka stands up. | ||
| If you fucked up, they'd give you a fucked up name. | ||
| It would be your name until you drew them wrong. | ||
| Fucking Empire of the Summer Moon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, their names were like Dog Pussy. | ||
| It wasn't as magical as we like to think it was. | ||
| It was like Dog Dick. | ||
| Come over here. | ||
| Well, when you read about what they did to each other, you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| This idea that they were these peaceful people that were living together, living off the land, and everybody lived in harmony. | ||
| Maybe somewhere. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| But they didn't last. | ||
| It didn't seem like it. | ||
| Well, they got raided by the other ones. | ||
| Dog dick and his buddies would show up and fucking drag you and your kids off without hitting a horse. | ||
| They would go on raids just like the Vikings did. | ||
| They were raiders. | ||
| The Comanches especially, the people that lived here, they were raiders. | ||
| That's what they did. | ||
| They'd get together in giant groups of horses. | ||
| And the other thing they would do that's fucked up, they caught guys. | ||
| They caught guys slipping like some US guys were trying to make their way across. | ||
| They would cut their horses loose in the middle of the night. | ||
| And so they would stampede their horses out so they'd never get their horses back, and then they would slowly follow them from a distance while they starved to death. | ||
| Jesus, man. | ||
| They would watch them and mock them. | ||
| So they'd be on horseback at the top of a ridge just, you know, a few hundred yards away, laughing at them. | ||
| And these dudes are walking. | ||
| No water. | ||
| Don't know where they're going. | ||
| No horses. | ||
| This is a guy from fucking Pittsburgh. | ||
| Just walking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just walking. | |
| God damn it. | ||
| I've been to a baseball game. | ||
| Just wanted to pay for education. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The government was going to pay for his college. | ||
| It's like, this is great. | ||
| Great deal. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Now my hair was starving to death in the planes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you don't see shit. | ||
| You're just walking. | ||
| It's just flat forever. | ||
| Yeah, it's shit. | ||
| It's flat forever. | ||
| Planes suck. | ||
| There's no houses out there. | ||
| This is the early days. | ||
| No one had even moved there yet. | ||
| That was the scariest part of that book about the Donner Party where there was like... | ||
| The scary part about crossing the plains was like a kid would get off the wagon and like walk. | ||
| They'd be lost immediately. | ||
| The grass was high enough. | ||
| You'd lose a kid. | ||
| And you couldn't stop. | ||
| You'd be like, one of the kids gone. | ||
| They'd be lost. | ||
| It was a desert with grass that was up to here. | ||
| So children were just gone. | ||
| There were snakes. | ||
| Everything sucked. | ||
| Everything sucked. | ||
| Wolves. | ||
| A dog came and ate your family. | ||
| A pack of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a bunch of dogs carried your sister off. | |
| Your mom dies from diarrhea. | ||
| Everyone's diarrhea, dude. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You didn't know where it should go. | ||
| Everyone was just shitting around the camp, drinking out of the water. | ||
| Birds are falling. | ||
| Birds are going at you. | ||
| You don't have time to boil the water, so just drink out of the creek. | ||
| Shit blows. | ||
| Dysentery. | ||
| Now all of a sudden, Indian fucking Comanches start following you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they follow you slowly. | ||
| They let you know you're around. | ||
| They're like, we're going to rape you in about a week. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Your wife's nagging. | ||
| Slowly circle you. | ||
| You're not even going to fight them off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at them. | |
| That's a man. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Imagine the sourpuss on one of your wagon wheels brakes and you're like, how the fuck do I fix this again? | ||
| You have no idea what you're doing. | ||
| What a sourpuss, dude. | ||
| Your wheels are made out of wood. | ||
| Explode. | ||
| You're making your way across the entire country on wheels made out of wood. | ||
| With horses pulling you. | ||
| And you hope the horses stay alive. | ||
| Because you only got a few of them. | ||
| And a full family. | ||
| Full family. | ||
| With kids. | ||
| And then you'd have a kid. | ||
| Oh yeah, along the way. | ||
| The wife would get pregnant on the way. | ||
| Obviously, yeah. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| Obviously, dude. | ||
| Well, that Cynthia Ann Parker story, the woman who was nine years old, when her whole family was slaughtered, and they would take the young ones and integrate them into the tribe, because the Comanche lost a lot of children, a lot of mothers while they were pregnant. | ||
| Baby Navy never came to term because they were riding horses, and they're bouncing around all the time, and they're fucking... | ||
| You know, a lot of impact. | ||
| So their populations, it was very important to keep a high population. | ||
| So they would bring in people that they captured. | ||
| That's what the Amish do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As long as they were young. | |
| That's what the Amish do? | ||
| I've heard. | ||
| They go on raiding programs? | ||
| I've heard they snag kids. | ||
| They'll come down to Mechanicsburg. | ||
| They'll raid us. | ||
| I've heard. | ||
| If they see, like, a mom all drunk and fucked up, I've heard. | ||
| I don't want to slur the Amish, but I've heard they'll fucking... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they need some new blood, man. | ||
| You really heard this? | ||
| I have heard this. | ||
| If you... | ||
| I've heard from people... | ||
| What bar was... | ||
| My brother's boy. | ||
| It's a fun thing to say. | ||
| It's a fun thing to say. | ||
| It's like folklore. | ||
| It's nice having the Amish. | ||
| I like having the Amish where we're from. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| That's what separated us growing up. | ||
| It was you where you lived, Amish country, me. | ||
| Now we'd have the Amish. | ||
| What's that thing they get to do when they turn into... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rumspring. | |
| Rumspring, dude. | ||
| They get to stay on Rumspring as long as they want. | ||
| And then they can come back. | ||
| It's not like a year. | ||
| It's as long as they want. | ||
| And then they come back. | ||
| You can be like 38 and be like, alright, Rumspring is done. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But your parents will shun you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| If they can't talk to you, yeah, you can get shunned real hard. | ||
| If you fuck up real bad, people, everyone you know, just won't talk to you. | ||
| But how do you even know? | ||
| They block you, basically. | ||
| They're not on social media. | ||
| They block you. | ||
| They don't have phones. | ||
| How do they even know if you're upset? | ||
| Yeah, just old school accusations. | ||
| Just like, dude, he smells like booze. | ||
| Yep, or if you go like, alright mom, like one time. | ||
| That's not what I mean. | ||
| I mean, like, how do you even know if they're mad at you? | ||
| You're not around them. | ||
| Oh, no, not if you're not on Rumspringer. | ||
| Like, that's a big thing in the Amish community. | ||
| Right, but what I'm saying is, how do they know the parents are mad if they're out running around because the parents don't have phones? | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| So they can't call you. | ||
| Pure Rumspringer. | ||
| He's saying when you get back, if you fuck up within the community, you will get shunned. | ||
| Yeah, everyone will stop talking to you. | ||
| It's like a punishment they do. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they'll do it for a while. | ||
| You'll come and be like, hey mom, and she'll just go turn her back. | ||
| Hey dad, hey Paul. | ||
| Hey Paul, he'll go. | ||
| Hardcore. | ||
| I like that though. | ||
| Then I'd go to my room and fucking fap, dude. | ||
| Just whack off. | ||
| I'd take off my Huckleberry Finn pants and be like, nice. | ||
| But you have to do it to memory. | ||
| True, but I mean. | ||
| You have to fap only to memory. | ||
| I mean, you probably got some rich databanks, dude. | ||
| They probably have some drawings they can show you. | ||
| I bet those dudes, dude, it doesn't matter how religious you are. | ||
| If you're a young boy trying to whack off, you're getting your hands on something. | ||
| Those boys got a hold of some porn, dude. | ||
| Who's ever gone the longest in the 20th century jacking off just on memory? | ||
| Dude, I haven't watched porn since August. | ||
| That's not that long. | ||
| That's pretty fucking long, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do it, dude. | |
| That's not that long. | ||
| People do that accidentally, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's normal. | ||
| I was having dreams about it. | ||
| You're having dreams about porn? | ||
| Yeah, when I first stopped, dude, I was having dreams about porn. | ||
| Dude, it was hard. | ||
| That was tough for me to stop doing. | ||
| What made you want to stop porn? | ||
| Thought about getting caught because I've gotten caught before by my wife, which you know, whatever fair game But like I thought about getting caught by my kids. | ||
| I'm like, I'm definitely gonna get caught and I went I'm stopping this now Yeah, yeah, you're stopping now guy when you see a problem stopping now with drug dealings stopping now from jerking off Yeah, I'm still fat. | ||
| What about when you go to a hotel room though, bro? | ||
| See that's the thing, bro When we're done this... | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| But then do you bust out the porn? | ||
| No, then I wanted to so badly today. | ||
| That's the final frontier. | ||
| Not looking at the porn in the hotel room is tough. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| Only I'll know, but I can't. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| That's the first... | ||
| If I do it, I'll tell people. | ||
| That's the thing, though. | ||
| But you can't get caught. | ||
| You said your worry was that you were going to get caught. | ||
| Yeah, but also I've been a big hardo about being like, I quit porn. | ||
| I've said it in public, so now if I go back on it, I'm going to get crushed. | ||
| You're a prisoner to your statements. | ||
| Yeah, but also, it's not bad. | ||
| Once you stop, it is easy. | ||
| You're like, oh yeah, I don't need it. | ||
| I don't need to do that. | ||
| Sounds like a guy who needs it. | ||
| I think it does. | ||
| He keeps talking to me about this, and every time I'm like, who cares? | ||
| It's a mental challenge, dude. | ||
| I genuinely don't think about it or care about it. | ||
| Some dudes get addicted to it. | ||
| Yeah, but I live with my girlfriend. | ||
| I don't watch porn when we're together. | ||
| I was home the last two weeks. | ||
| I didn't whack off once to porn. | ||
| I've been known to slink off, dude. | ||
| As soon as I got to this hotel in Austin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was time. | ||
| You forget how good porn is, dude. | ||
| You look at it, you're like, yo! | ||
| What is she? | ||
| She got stuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's eight of them that hurt? | |
| She's stuck in the dryer. | ||
| That shit rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You forget, dude. | |
| How many girls get stuck under the bed looking for an earring? | ||
| Dude, it's not a moral grandstand. | ||
| It's just I want to build my willpower. | ||
| My willpower is weak. | ||
| No, it's not, dude. | ||
| It's weak, dude. | ||
| You got nice willpower. | ||
| But you quit selling drugs and you quit watching porn. | ||
| You have good willpower. | ||
| You have great willpower. | ||
| It took a while. | ||
| And also, it took some bad events. | ||
| Yeah, but you did quit. | ||
| That's what willpower is about. | ||
| Also, he's discussed what type of porn he's into. | ||
| What kind? | ||
| I was just into everything, brother. | ||
| I went down some dark alleys. | ||
| What's the darkest? | ||
| The T's, brother. | ||
| The T's. | ||
| The T's? | ||
| The T's, brother. | ||
| The fucking T-100s. | ||
| T-100s? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The T's. | |
| What's the Terminator? | ||
| T-1000? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He ran into some T-1000s. | ||
| The boys and the girls. | ||
| When the boys become girls. | ||
| When the boys become girls and the boys... | ||
| Oh, the T's. | ||
| Trans. | ||
| He liked the T's. | ||
| That could be an issue. | ||
| He didn't like it. | ||
| Joe, I'll tell you, it is. | ||
| You don't want to get caught with that stuff. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| It's just a ramping up of, like, talking about supernormal stimuli, dude. | ||
| That's why I'm so passionate about that. | ||
| It's like, your brain, you need, like, the edge. | ||
| This was my problem with it. | ||
| I didn't have a drug problem. | ||
| I could never, like, stop drugs or whatever. | ||
| But then it's like, you get the blood flowing on sex stuff. | ||
| It's like, that's not getting it flowing. | ||
| You go to, like, something a little bit more kind of out there. | ||
| And then you finally, you land on those shores and you go, my God. | ||
| My God, where have I gone? | ||
| Try to assemble the raft, it's all fucked up. | ||
| One of our first episodes is he's explaining, he watches it, and I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And then he was like, give it a shot. | ||
| So I was like, I'm open-minded. | ||
| I tried to whack off the T-Porn. | ||
| I opened it. | ||
| First things first, I'm watching a dude, like you can see his clavicles while he's fucking, or her. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I could see the clavicle. | ||
| I was just like, ew, dude. | ||
| I turned it off immediately. | ||
| I can't believe how you're into that. | ||
| I have a strong imagination. | ||
| I have a strong imagination. | ||
| That's disgusting. | ||
| I have a strong imagination. | ||
| No, I'm honest though, dude. | ||
| I was like, this is fucked up. | ||
| I saw one fucking dude on top with tits, but you could still see the clavicle and the Adam's apple, and I was like... | ||
| You sought that out, dude. | ||
| You sought that out. | ||
| I don't know which ones to search. | ||
| I know, I'm fucking around. | ||
| But, I will say, dude, I'm telling you, it's a silent epidemic, dude. | ||
| I'm not projecting this onto the masses. | ||
| It's a silent epidemic? | ||
| I believe so. | ||
| Dude's into T's? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I truly believe so. | ||
| I truly believe so. | ||
| Actually, no, if you read the book, what is it, fucking A Billion Wicked Lies, A Billion Wicked Thoughts, where they crunch the fucking metadata from the internet, and it's like, it's due with numbers, dude. | ||
| Someone's crunching the metadata on trans porn? | ||
| On all porn. | ||
| All porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| That sounds like one of those Pfizer studies. | ||
| They try to find the right result. | ||
| Matt, stop acting serious right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Matt, what are you doing? | |
| You're pretending to be serious about this. | ||
| He's crunching metadata with a pen in his hand. | ||
| He's got a pen in his hand and he's fucking hovering it over the paper. | ||
| He's talking about metadata. | ||
| He's waited so long to be on this show. | ||
| And now he's here and he's like, I'm telling you, they crunched numbers on T-Porn. | ||
| We didn't have to bring this up! | ||
| I like it, dude. | ||
| It is good. | ||
| It is good. | ||
| It's a jolt of electricity. | ||
| Dude, it's your fucking sexuality at stake, and I'm fucking hetero as hell. | ||
| I get it, bro. | ||
| But it's like, bro, I got it. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| I know a lot of people listening are not going to believe you. | ||
| I need to hear that from you right now, jokes. | ||
| I'm in a dark place about that. | ||
| Bro, how nice would it be to get back to the hotel and just T-porn it up? | ||
| No, I'm telling you, I'm not making it up. | ||
| You go off of it, you kind of de-escalate the fucking dopaminergic drive towards more and more of crazy... | ||
| And then you go... | ||
| Yeah, I'm cool on that. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| That's what everyone does. | ||
| They look at it and go, whoa, no. | ||
| You can just go to a karma-free stepmom type porn where you got a 45-year-old lady. | ||
| She's banging a 20-year-old college student. | ||
| The college student's in town. | ||
| Dad goes to work. | ||
| Oh, my neck hurts. | ||
| Could you give me a massage? | ||
| The coolest shit possible? | ||
| The 20-year-old kid doesn't want to do it. | ||
| He's kind of fucked up. | ||
| My dad would be upset. | ||
| He doesn't have to know. | ||
| Can you rub my lower back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yo. | ||
| You know that hot 45-year-old who your dad isn't fucking anyway. | ||
| That's what she says. | ||
| She says he never fucks me. | ||
| See, isn't that better? | ||
| So much bigger than him. | ||
| It's so much better, but I'm saying when you, like, some guys can't drink. | ||
| You're so much bigger than him. | ||
| It's so much better. | ||
| Some guys, some guys can't drink. | ||
| Some guys can't drink because they stay out on like, I can't, dude. | ||
| I just fucking. | ||
| You couldn't do one bump. | ||
| When we were talking to William Montgomery, we were talking to William Montgomery in the green room last night, and William Montgomery's been off of coke and booze for quite a long time, and they showed a picture of him when he was fat and drunk, and I was like, one bump of coke. | ||
| How bad would it hurt you? | ||
| I go, maybe you should get back a little bit. | ||
| Every now and again. | ||
| And you can see, like, look at his face, like, am I kidding? | ||
| Don't do it! | ||
| I'm like, don't do it. | ||
| You're doing great. | ||
| You guys have the same playbook. | ||
| You guys have the same playbook. | ||
| That's my favorite thing to watch. | ||
| You go, come on, man. | ||
| You'd be all right. | ||
| It's the funniest shit. | ||
| It's actually something I've got to stop doing. | ||
| It's pretty funny, though. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Have you ever talked to anybody into doing something dark? | ||
| Every single time Adam Egett comes out with me, me and him get fucked up. | ||
| He's trying to not drink. | ||
| And he's like, I don't want to relapse. | ||
| I'm like, dude, stop saying relapse. | ||
| You drink. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| He's like, I don't want to relapse. | ||
| I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| When he's in the green room, we always offer him a drink. | ||
| He's like, no, no, no. | ||
| Oh, I forgot to tell you. | ||
| This is what he did yesterday. | ||
| It was Adam Eget's birthday. | ||
| And he spent the day, I texted him earlier, and he was playing Madden, and he was winning 150 to nothing. | ||
| What? | ||
| He was running the score up on the computer on the easiest level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| Just to be a winner on his birthday? | ||
| On his birthday. | ||
| I mean, it was the weirdest, kind of the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's the man, but he told me it was his birthday. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| And he was literally at his house, in his apartment, playing Madden on the easiest level, running up the score. | ||
| We needed him. | ||
| Against the computer. | ||
| When I first started talking about doing a club out here, he was the first guy I called. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| I didn't call anybody else. | ||
| He was the first guy I called. | ||
| Yeah, he's a man. | ||
| I called him, I said, I got a plan. | ||
| As soon as I escaped LA, I was like, hey Adam, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm like, I got a plan. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Oh, what, Joe? | ||
| He talks like Norm. | ||
| He's got a little Norm. | ||
| He's very nice. | ||
| Such a nice dude, too, man. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| I've known that dude forever. | ||
| He was one of the reasons why I went back to the store in the first place. | ||
| I knew him from the Tempe Improv. | ||
| He used to work at the Tempe Improv back in the day when I would roll through, and then he showed up one day at the Improv and had a conversation. | ||
| Come back to the store. | ||
| He is the fucking man. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I'm like, you're there now? | ||
| I go, you're there now. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| He's like, it's different now. | ||
| Come back. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He's funny, too. | ||
| He's got a great eye for comedy. | ||
| He's going to be an amazing creative director. | ||
| He'll know the good guys that have potential. | ||
| He'll know what they're doing wrong. | ||
| He'll be able to get them good spots and help them figure it out. | ||
| We could have a great crop of people here. | ||
| We've got a great crop of young guys. | ||
| I never considered really moving down here until I just got my taxes. | ||
| I was instantly like, dude, Austin rules. | ||
| For real. | ||
| I was like, dude, I'm not moving. | ||
| I love New York. | ||
| One season of actually making money. | ||
| One year of making money. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| You can always visit New York. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I like to do. | ||
| I like to go to New York, hang out there for a few days, go to the restaurants, do some shows, get the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never lived in the city, though. | ||
| I actually truly haven't either. | ||
| I live in Queens and I'm never home. | ||
| I do the road everywhere. | ||
| I lived in New Rochelle because I needed a parking spot because I did the road so much. | ||
| I always had a car, so I needed a car. | ||
| I couldn't afford to live in the city and also afford a parking spot. | ||
| Hundreds of bucks a month. | ||
| Yeah, I just have an apartment in New York where I play video games three days of the week. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Other than that, I'm on the road or doing shows at night. | ||
| If I'm home, I'm like, I'm just going to hang out. | ||
| Queens, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you get in? | ||
| To the city? | ||
| I Uber. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Now, yeah. | ||
| You don't take a train? | ||
| I used to, but it's like 45 minutes an hour. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| How long's the Uber? | ||
| 25 minutes. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| How weird conversations do you have? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Headphones. | ||
| Also, they're New York Uber drivers. | ||
| They're not down to talk. | ||
| They're not talking. | ||
| I remember when they were so mad that Uber showed up. | ||
| The cab drivers were so fucking mad. | ||
| And now all you see is Uber. | ||
| You see so few cabs. | ||
| The numbers are down. | ||
| I wonder what the actual numbers are. | ||
| But the visual numbers. | ||
| There used to be cabs everywhere. | ||
| Most of the traffic was cabs. | ||
| And now you drive around and you're like, what a weird system, right? | ||
| Like, we'll drive you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You don't need to drive. | ||
| Just get in and tell me where you're going. | ||
| Yeah, Philly made Uber pay them like $250,000 a year, because they sell, they call them taxi medallions, so you have to buy a license, and the licenses were worth a lot of money. | ||
| And then once Uber came in, it's like a liquor license, but for driving taxi cabs. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they just plummeted. | ||
| They're almost worthless now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So then the Philadelphia Parking Authority owns the cabs, and they're like, you gotta pay $250,000. | ||
| You don't like them, do you? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| Uber? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Uber's fine. | ||
| Philadelphia Parking Authority. | ||
| PPA. Dude, we have a fucked up thing going on there. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| They'll just- if you get parking tickets, they'll just come snag your car. | ||
| And like the parking t- they double in value- it's really fucked up. | ||
| Then they just sell your car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And then they charge you money. | ||
| I've gotten like two cars taken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Fucking- They're like $500 cars. | ||
| $500 cars. | ||
| They would take them and I'd just go, fuck you guys. | ||
| One time I went back, because you had to write like, you could go get your valuables out of your car before they sold it at auction. | ||
| So I went back and you had to fill out a piece of paper of what was in there and I put like a giant dildo. | ||
| And I put all this stuff and they had to take it back to their guy and have it written off on us. | ||
| Pretty tight. | ||
| Suck our dicks, PPA. Yeah, fuck you guys. | ||
| Yeah, but they'll take your shit and just... | ||
| Repossess it, and then... | ||
| How many tickets do you have to have before they take your car? | ||
| Now it's like two or three, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yes. | ||
| So you have a BMW. You got a new BMW. Yes. | ||
| You get two or three tickets you don't pay, and they put a boot on you, and they take your car. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then they charge you every day they have it. | ||
| And then you can go back and basically buy it. | ||
| You can pay them. | ||
| They hold it hostage. | ||
| You can pay them to take the boot off and they won't tow it. | ||
| But if you're late, they'll tow it. | ||
| And then you've got to go down to a lot. | ||
| You've got to call a bunch of people, figure out where your car is. | ||
| And then you go down there and you pay for them and they give it back to you. | ||
| Now if you don't pay it back in time, then they sell it off at auction. | ||
| They get a ton of money doing it. | ||
| And they can also do a thing where they've taken my dad's car where my brother owed money. | ||
| Because they had the same name. | ||
| And they're just like, sorry dude, it is what it is. | ||
| You've got to pay us and come get your car. | ||
| Dude, it's criminal. | ||
| Even if it's not your car? | ||
| Your kid's car? | ||
| Yeah, but they both have the same first name, so they're like, oh, it was a mistake, but they're like, you still gotta pay, and it's like, you know, like, fuck it. | ||
| You still gotta pay even though it's a mistake? | ||
| You can't, there's nobody you can talk to. | ||
| It's the Wizard of Oz. | ||
| You go up to, like, blacked-out glass and just talk to a lady who's just like... | ||
| $365. | ||
| Dude, I got my car towed when we were filming Gillian Keyes. | ||
| I was supposed to be on set. | ||
| I walked to my car in the morning. | ||
| Car's gone. | ||
| Go out there. | ||
| It is... | ||
| I had to go to, like, a dock. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| The car was just behind, like, an old warehouse. | ||
| I had to talk to... | ||
| Behind the glass, there was just a black lady. | ||
| I was like, hey, where's my car? | ||
| She was like, get out! | ||
| She was, like, screaming at me. | ||
| It was a battle. | ||
| It's crazy, man. | ||
| I thought that story I was going to tell would be better. | ||
| No, when you go down there, it's like a barbed-wired fucking fence, and you go in, and someone's mean as fuck. | ||
| It's crazy the way they do it. | ||
| And then they control all the parking in the city. | ||
| They're bad. | ||
| And apparently, from what I've heard, the money doesn't even go to the city of Philadelphia. | ||
| It actually goes to some GOP. It goes to the state, weirdly, or part of it goes to the state. | ||
| If you try to look up the PPA, they say it's a quasi-governmental agency. | ||
| So when you try to follow where their money goes... | ||
| It's kind of really hard. | ||
| Should we Google this, or we should just take your way for it? | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| Yeah, look it up again. | ||
| Seems like that one we might want to substantiate. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. | ||
| But fuck them anyway, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I've been beefing with the PPA. Fuck the PPA. I've been beefing with the PPA forever. | |
| If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but fuck them anyway. | ||
| Fuck those guys, dude. | ||
| Yeah, they are posting these, dude. | ||
| They took my 88 Camry, dude. | ||
| Me and my brother bought twin Camrys for a thousand bucks. | ||
| We bought two 88 Camrys off this old lady, and we were bopping around together. | ||
| She had two? | ||
| Why'd she have two? | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| You guys got matching Camrys. | ||
| Matching cameras, bro. | ||
| 88 cams. | ||
| We were buzzing around. | ||
| It was the same old lady that got crushed by Vince McMahon. | ||
| That was you and your brother. | ||
| You and your brother powerbombed her. | ||
| Took your cameras. | ||
| That fucking lady went down hard, bro. | ||
| That can't be good. | ||
| When you get a ticket from the PPA or any of that, when you're fucking, like when we lived together, I had zero dollars. | ||
| If I got one ticket, I was bankrupt. | ||
| One ticket. | ||
| I had zero dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hated them, bro. | |
| I know those times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By law, all PPA's on-street operations net revenue is allocated to the city's general fund of Philadelphia School District. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wrong. | |
| Bullshit. | ||
| No, it's bullshit. | ||
| On-street operations revenue is generated from meter payments, permit fees, parking fines, vehicle auction proceeds, and booting and towing fees. | ||
| They had a thing where they weren't giving the schools money. | ||
| At least I thought I saw a thing where the schools were like... | ||
| It says it brings in 265... | ||
| Go back to that? | ||
| No, it's bullshit. | ||
| It's their fucking website. | ||
| It's their website. | ||
| 264 million dollars a year in annual revenue. | ||
| Just from Philadelphia from parking tickets. | ||
| 264 million in fucking parking tickets. | ||
| You tell me that's going to those schools in Philly? | ||
| Look at the Inquirer. | ||
| Overpays executives and has too many political... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Oh, it turns out the PPA's website might not be telling the total fucking story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Let's see what it says. | ||
| Fuck the PPA, Matt. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I can't stand him. | ||
| If someone takes your 88 Camry, dude, you'll be fucking salty. | ||
| Yeah, you're never gonna let it go. | ||
| You're gonna wait till you get on the highest platform on earth and go, fucking pieces of shit. | ||
| Well, when you get incentivized to have that much revenue coming in every year, what if nobody parked bad ever again? | ||
| What if everybody did the right thing, everybody paid the meter, and all that $264 million dried up? | ||
| What the fuck do they do now? | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| There's an incentive to catch people. | ||
| I can't even read those signs. | ||
| Anytime I try to park, it's like Monday through Friday, 8 to 6, trash. | ||
| They go over those things with fucking 1,000 grits. | ||
| And they also will get you for inspection. | ||
| If your inspection's up, they'll take you every single day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Motherfuckers, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But they had a problem. | ||
| One time, there was a gap in what they were supposed to pay the schools, and they had to be like, oh. | ||
| So what does it say here? | ||
| 2007, Parents United, a Philadelphia parent group that fights for school reforms, successfully sued the PPA for failing to pay the city and school district under its 2004 obligations. | ||
| During these years, the PPA was technically in breach of its agreement with the state and greedily withheld money that it owed. | ||
| Greedy PPA, dude. | ||
| I like how it says greedily. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's pretty, yeah. | ||
| But either way, I mean, I'll stop talking about that. | ||
| No, I like it. | ||
| It's alright, dude. | ||
| I like when people are mad. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty funny. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Especially when he gets parking tickets. | ||
| Well, it is a fucking gross thing when you're poor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't even just leave your car somewhere. | ||
| This guy followed me to Sheetz in my Corolla. | ||
| And he got me. | ||
| He's at the gas station. | ||
| He stayed and ran my plate just because I was driving a poor person car. | ||
| And he followed me out of the gas station and then pulled me over. | ||
| It was like, your registration's expired. | ||
| All this stuff's expired. | ||
| And I was like looking at it. | ||
| It was me and I was with a dog. | ||
| A dog was shotgun. | ||
| And I was like, this ruins me. | ||
| Literally, I have zero dollars. | ||
| You give me a $180 ticket, I'm fucked. | ||
| I mean, I was kind of like, are you serious? | ||
| Are you serious about this? | ||
| Like, I'll go get it, please. | ||
| It was my inspection. | ||
| He was like, nah. | ||
| He was young, too. | ||
| He was like my age. | ||
| That's what their job is, though. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I wasn't mad at him. | ||
| I mean, I was mad at him just because I had zero dollars. | ||
| What's fucked is they have quotas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And cops have quotas for pulling people over in certain places. | ||
| And it's kind of like unspoken. | ||
| It's not like written on paper in some places because it's not technically legal. | ||
| But I've talked to a lot of cops. | ||
| You have to make a certain amount of revenue. | ||
| You're basically a glorified revenue collector. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pulling people over and making money for the state. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not stopping any fucking real crimes doing that. | |
| No, it's fucked up. | ||
| And they call it activity. | ||
| They'll be like, you're low in activity. | ||
| We need some... | ||
| Yeah, it's fucked up. | ||
| What if everybody followed the rules? | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| What if? | ||
| I mean, would they still keep cops around like they have a fireman? | ||
| Like if there's no... | ||
| For sure, dude. | ||
| They have to have a fireman. | ||
| You know, because fire can break out. | ||
| You might not have a fire for five years. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Disband the fire department? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they'll be here. | ||
| And you need them, but yeah, the speed trap stuff. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I like the bros. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Obviously, we support the blue. | ||
| Yeah, I've come around on those guys. | ||
| I like them, man. | ||
| Almost now, I'm looking forward to getting pulled over just so I can talk shop with them and be like, guys... | ||
| I mean, now that I can afford a ticket, you got me. | ||
| Good stuff. | ||
| I love what you guys are doing. | ||
| I was just trying to get your attention. | ||
| You know what's fucked? | ||
| Those cameras where they were catching people, running red lights, and giving them tickets, and it turns out the money wasn't even, it was like a privately owned company. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those were not real tickets. | ||
| It's like the PPA. PPA owns that, too, by the way. | ||
| But that got overturned. | ||
| They can't do that anymore. | ||
| They were shortening the yellow lights. | ||
| Were they really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| New Jersey got busted for shortening the yellow lights and snagging people at those things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| By how much? | ||
| Like a second or something. | ||
| It was enough to snag you. | ||
| Because, you know, you're like, oh, I got it. | ||
| Yeah, you got enough time. | ||
| Man, what's worse than when you're driving and you see a flash? | ||
| I didn't even know they were doing it. | ||
| In Maryland, they do it a ton, where the speed limits are checked by speed cameras. | ||
| I'd be driving to shows, open mics and shit, again, to zero dollars. | ||
| I'd be driving, dude, a flash would be in the car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd be like, shit! | |
| Shit, dude! | ||
| Back then, it goes to your parents' address, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's going to my mom's car. | |
| You know they got you. | ||
| God, that fucking sucks. | ||
| It's funny how many different scams there are to extract money from people. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because that's one of them. | ||
| You want revenue for the city? | ||
| Extract money from people. | ||
| Yeah, you need it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's fucked up. | ||
| It's very fucked up. | ||
| Especially stuff like that. | ||
| They brutalize trucks, too, man. | ||
| Trucks get killed. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| The highway patrol just sits there all day, and they'll be like, there's like, your chain is this way, and they're like $15,000. | ||
| They crush trucks. | ||
| This is a boomer pod now. | ||
| This is an absolute boomer pod. | ||
| You want to know about road scams? | ||
| Here we are. | ||
| You know what my favorite is? | ||
| It's just runaway truck ramps. | ||
| Those make me so happy, dude. | ||
| I just love imagining the dude who... | ||
| When you go up to Penn State, it's through the mountains and there's just runaway ramps. | ||
| Because sometimes trucks have no brakes. | ||
| And it's so funny thinking of a dude just having to hit one. | ||
| The guy just driving and being like... | ||
| Because when you're going down a steep hill, sometimes you just go, look how beautiful that is. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty nice. | ||
| Where is that? | ||
| Is that Bud Light, bro? | ||
| Is that BLs? | ||
| It might be. | ||
| Up the ramp? | ||
| It's not a Bud Light truck. | ||
| It's not refrigerated either. | ||
| Maybe it's stolen Bud Light. | ||
| It's like bricks. | ||
| It's like blue bricks or some shit. | ||
| There's videos. | ||
| Yes, please. | ||
| Runaway trucks is... | ||
| I just like thinking of the guy who's like half asleep. | ||
| Here comes one. | ||
| Flying up a hill. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Oh, you see the guy's... | ||
| He's slamming on the brakes. | ||
| Oh, he's gonna go up it. | ||
| Oh, you gotta hit that thing? | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Come on, brother. | ||
| What's all the smoke coming off the back of his? | ||
| Him jamming his brakes, probably. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| How do you know, Jamie? | ||
| Jamie's like, yeah, pussy, just keep going. | ||
| Get my fucking package from my house. | ||
| Jamie's got trucker blood. | ||
| I ordered those AirPods, pussy. | ||
| He's gotta hit this ramp. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Oh my god, look, he's going up this ramp. | ||
| Come on, brother. | ||
| What happens when he comes back down? | ||
| Yeah, what is the smoke coming out of the back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's his brakes, dude. | |
| He's going the whole way up. | ||
| That can't be his brakes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No, that's not his brakes. | ||
| That seems like his truck is dying. | ||
| Oh, yeah, maybe. | ||
| He doesn't make it all the way to the slammer at the end of it. | ||
| I mean, still, I can't believe he made it that high. | ||
| If he jammed his brakes, it would probably jack down. | ||
| I can't believe he made it that high. | ||
| That's pretty nuts. | ||
| That's like that snow tubing at the bottom, like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. | ||
| I watched a 3,000 horsepower engine explode. | ||
| Go to Richard Rawlings Instagram. | ||
| Go to Richard Rawlings from Fast and Loud. | ||
| You know that show? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| He's a fun car guy from Fast and Loud, that show. | ||
| There we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There we go. | |
| Yeah, that thing is just smoking. | ||
| What is happening to that thing? | ||
| Is that his brakes? | ||
| I would guess. | ||
| That kind of seems like brakes in that situation. | ||
| Because this guy just can't slow down. | ||
| That's got to be terrifying. | ||
| I mean, it's so much weight, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sucks. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Can you imagine being a fucking dude behind the wheel of something that weighs? | ||
| Like, what does it weigh? | ||
| Hundreds of thousands of pounds. | ||
| That's what I mean, though. | ||
| Like, an hour, like, seven of driving. | ||
| Like, all day, you're just chilling. | ||
| Oh, look, it tipped over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Yeah, dude, even just driving, like, a truck with a trailer of, like, lawnmowers on the back, you try to stop that thing at, like, 60 miles an hour, it just doesn't stop. | ||
| Go to Richard Rawlings' Instagram page, and he's got a reel up of this dude who's revving up this truck engine, this gigantic souped-up truck engine, and it fucking blows up like it got hit by a missile. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Because it's a 3,000 horsepower souped-up engine, and they're like, wow! | ||
| And then, boom! | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Fuck, where is it? | ||
| You go to his reels? | ||
| That's a nice pick. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| I think that's it, that one right there. | ||
| This was not... | ||
| Nope, that's not it. | ||
| Maybe someone took it down. | ||
| No, did they take it down? | ||
| That looks like it. | ||
| Where? | ||
| No, you just see the truck. | ||
| No, you just see the truck. | ||
| Oh, there it is. | ||
| There's a fucking thing on fire. | ||
| That's just an engine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| No, that's not it. | ||
| It was way worse than that. | ||
| Let's see if I can find it. | ||
| I can find it, Jamie, and I'll send it to you. | ||
| Well, whatever this guy's doing. | ||
| Also, what happened, I guess I could just look for it, too. | ||
| You said a truck explosion or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Truck burnout explosion? | ||
| I'm such a pussy. | ||
| I don't know anything about cars. | ||
| I don't know anything about anything, dude. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| That really blows. | ||
| Tell you what, though. | ||
| I know about crunching the metadata. | ||
| Crunching the metadata on C4? That's interesting. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's not it. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| No, this is way worse. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe... | |
| was it his YouTube? | ||
| Does Rawlings have a YouTube? | ||
| Did he put it on there? | ||
| I don't know, but I don't... | ||
| See that there? | ||
| Because maybe they removed it for some reason. | ||
| Because maybe someone died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Because it looked like people died. | ||
| Oh, that's not good. | ||
| It looks like people died. | ||
| What? | ||
| It looked like easily someone could have died. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| You ever see those fucking speedboats? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Click on videos instead of home. | |
| Now click on shorts. | ||
| Click on shorts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| I don't see it. | ||
| So, uh, Google 3,000 horsepower truck engine explodes. | ||
| See if we can find that. | ||
| Fuck, I should have saved it. | ||
| I was gonna repost it, but it might have been that somebody died. | ||
| Yeah, they might have taken it down. | ||
| Fucking wild. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| They're just revving it? | ||
| I mean, giant fireball. | ||
| This dude dies out of the front seat. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| There's a bunch of people hanging around. | ||
| This just seems like a famous video that happened like a couple years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yikes. | |
| Isn't it funny that like 2000... | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| That's exactly it. | ||
| That's it right here. | ||
| So they're revving this up. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Get some volume, though, because you've got to hear it because it's fucking bananas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That other kit, and that's when it let loose. | |
| And that's when all hell broke loose. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that dude bail out of the front. | |
| Wait, that's Monster Energy drinks. | ||
| 3,000 horsepower dyno explosion. | ||
| So they were testing the horsepower on a dyno and the fucking engine blew. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Jamie, add a comment. | ||
| Sick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
From the Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Sick. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
| That guy had gauge earrings. | ||
| He was just in there. | ||
| Did you watch any of the Beavis and Butthead, the new Beavis and Butthead? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is that supposed to be any good, Jamie? | ||
| I watched some of it. | ||
| I haven't watched the TV show. | ||
| They brought the show back, too. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I haven't watched those. | ||
| They brought the show back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| It's on Paramount Plus, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| How do you think it is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't seen TikTok videos and stuff. | ||
| Stunk it up. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| If they watch TikTok videos, that could be funny. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| I got a feeling they stunk it up too. | ||
| How many people watch Paramount Plus? | ||
| Is it 20? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I think P Plus doesn't... | ||
| Didn't they have South Park? | ||
| Actually, I watched South Park and I deleted my account. | ||
| No, they had the South Park special on there. | ||
| I watched that and then deleted that. | ||
| Now HBO Max has South Park. | ||
| Okay, nice. | ||
| But there's so many streaming platforms, though. | ||
| Peacock, they have one. | ||
| NBC has one. | ||
| Disney has one. | ||
| Yeah, Disney Plus. | ||
| Beavis and Butthead. | ||
| It's old stuff, though. | ||
| It's all old stuff? | ||
| Damn, Daria, Celebrity Deathmatch? | ||
| That shit fucking rule. | ||
| It's called Mike Judge's Beavis and Butthead. | ||
| Remember how nice Celebrity Deathmatch was? | ||
| The best. | ||
| So this is Paramount Plus original? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| One season, one episode. | ||
| Give me some of that. | ||
| I can't watch it here without logged in or anything. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I remember Celebrity Deathmatch, they had one, it was a halftime show. | ||
| Packers, Broncos, Super Bowl. | ||
| I was fucking pumped, dude. | ||
| That was a good show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a good show. | ||
| Remember halftime shows? | ||
| They used to have a lot of, like, In Living Color had a halftime show during the Super Bowl. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They did a halftime. | ||
| Every show, like MTV did, we're going to do Celebrity Deathmatch at the halftime. | ||
| Every channel had a different, like, Super Bowl halftime switch over to us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But now I think they're all owned by the same two companies. | ||
| Well, what a giant mistake by the Super Bowl. | ||
| How about make the halftime fun? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about you have some wild shit? | ||
| Last year was pretty good. | ||
| Who was last year's? | ||
| Dr. Dre. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The geezers. | |
| Yeah, that was good. | ||
| The geezers came out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fat 50 Cent was upside down. | |
| This was it. | ||
| This was the first time that I ever saw In Living Color. | ||
| I couldn't fucking believe how funny it was. | ||
| When I saw Jim Carrey and he was doing Fire Marshal Bill, I was like, oh no. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just what gives hair putty, Mary. | |
| My name is Mindy and I'm busy. | ||
| Serving drinks to these yahoos during halftime can be lucrative. | ||
| But it can also put you out for the season. | ||
| Imagine trying to do that. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Look at how creepy he looks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's he up to now? | ||
| He's just Joe Biden on SNL. Was he? | ||
| Kerry was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They fucked that up so bad, dude. | ||
| They made Trump a giant asshole and then they were like, Biden's Jim Kerry and he's kinda cool. | ||
| That sucks, man. | ||
| His character was like, I'm actually cool. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| What do they call him the Dark Brandon or something? | ||
| Dark Brandon Rises, dude. | ||
| It's actually pretty funny. | ||
| Now that it's bothering people, it is funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now that it bothers you. | |
| They were right. | ||
| It is funny. | ||
| It's funny when it bothers you. | ||
| Yeah, there's certain art and all that stuff that's designed to bother people like me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when it works, I'm like, alright, that actually is funny. | ||
| Do you think that's what Jimmy Fallon's doing when he does that vaccine dance? | ||
| XBB.com. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| Yeah, that was... | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| That was gut-wrenching. | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| Soul-crushing. | ||
| I never saw that. | ||
| Do you think they have, like, a photo of him, like, on an island filled with hookers? | ||
| No, I think, bro, they just gave him millions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| Toss him. | ||
| Oh, my God, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it isn't the same. | |
| Sounds more like Elon Musk's kid's name. | ||
| It's XBB.1.5 Not UB40 Who sees red red wine Put on your mask When you're inside a facility It could be a robot From a Star Wars trilogy It's XBB Is this the new strain or something? - It's gonna hurt. | ||
| Damn, what if he started talking about like athletes falling over? | ||
| Just imagine the pitch meeting. | ||
| Imagine the pitch meeting. | ||
| Here's what we want to do. | ||
| We want to talk about the new pandemic variant, but in a song. | ||
| And everybody's like, okay, I'm listening. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's just, he's not in the meeting. | ||
| That means he's not in the meeting. | ||
| Do you think he's just drunk? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I think he shows up, they're like, here you go, he's like, fuck it. | ||
| Fuck it, I like money. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Yeah, there's some guy like me puffing a cigar like, Jimmy, here's what we're gonna do today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jimmy. | |
| How many people are watching The Tonight Show? | ||
| Not me. | ||
| Gotta be nobody. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think so. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Take a number. | ||
| A million a night? | ||
| I don't know what the numbers are. | ||
| Let's guess. | ||
| I'd say... | ||
| 750,000. | ||
| I mean, if Gutfeld's buttfucking these guys, they're putting out a fucking dogshit program, dude. | ||
| I watch Gutfeld. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That shit's nuts, dude. | |
| DeRosa was just on... | ||
| He's buttfucking all of them, was he? | ||
| He's killing them. | ||
| He's buttfucking all of them. | ||
| He's the number one guy. | ||
| DeRosa was just on... | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| It made me so happy. | ||
| 1.3 million viewers. | ||
| Less than half the viewers of Gutfeld. | ||
| Gutfeld, dude. | ||
| Gutfeld dominates. | ||
| Less than half. | ||
| Fallon had, what does it say? | ||
| Go back to that? | ||
| That's his YouTube channel. | ||
| Fallon had 30 million subscribers on his YouTube channel, but this does not drive advertising rates for the show. | ||
| His YouTube channel's way better than the fucking show. | ||
| Yeah, because they just do clips of it. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| You think famous people want to get a clip? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'll get you views. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But like, Gottfeld's out there just slinging. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Isn't it crazy? | ||
| Just form an alternative to what everyone's shoving down your throat. | ||
| You know, it's like the same thing on every network. | ||
| The same kind of jokes about the same kind of people. | ||
| And these are the dummies. | ||
| And then on his show, he's just got a bunch of Looney Tunes and, you know, comics. | ||
| He's got Joe DeRosa and Tyrus, dude. | ||
| You ever see Tyrus? | ||
| Tyrus might look like Thanos himself, dude. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, for real. | ||
| That's a guy who is Thanos. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| There's a guy named Tyrus. | ||
| He is Thanos. | ||
| I know what you're talking about now. | ||
| Yeah, dude, it's sad. | ||
| It's a sad thing. | ||
| It's all paid for by fucking companies. | ||
| Yeah, that dude. | ||
| Thanos himself, dude. | ||
| Yeah, really. | ||
| What's his hat say? | ||
| Where my... | ||
| Where my dog's at? | ||
| I think so, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Bigger Ward. | ||
| Something else. | ||
| I can't tell, though. | ||
| Where am I something? | ||
| Dude, that is Thanos. | ||
| Might be Thanos, dude. | ||
| That's Fox Thanos. | ||
| Tearing up on Gutfeld. | ||
| That dude's got some ears. | ||
| That is. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's a big fella. | ||
| That's a big fella. | ||
| And so what does he do? | ||
| He's one of the Gutfelds. | ||
| He's a wrestler? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the Gutfelds, bros. | ||
| Bam, 6-7. | ||
| That fucking show, it's amazing how much more popular it is than those other network shows. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that the Democrats haven't figured out how to do a show like that? | ||
| We just get comics and sit around and talk shit and bring people on and fuck around and that's your talk show? | ||
| And you review the news together or you all mock it. | ||
| You read something that Biden did and everybody's like, bah! | ||
| Yeah, fucking Quinn. | ||
| Colin Quinn's, uh... | ||
| Tough crowd. | ||
| Tough crowd. | ||
| Yeah, that was it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They did it. | ||
| They had it right. | ||
| That was a podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That was like the first... | ||
| That was one of the first, like, just a podcast. | ||
| Yeah, it was like an hour-long podcast. | ||
| And comics would just fuck around, talk shit to each other. | ||
| Patrice, Nick DiPaolo... | ||
| Man, those are like my favorite highlight videos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dudes bullying other dudes on comics. | ||
| One of my favorite ever was Geraldo and Leary. | ||
| Unreal. | ||
| It's one of the greatest. | ||
| Leary's giving him a hard time for having jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, yeah, Dennis, we write. | ||
| We write jokes. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| Literally professionally. | ||
| And Leary gets upset with him that he's talking back to him. | ||
| He's like, yeah, maybe your show wouldn't have got canceled if you wrote. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, oh shit, damn. | |
| Judy Gold vs. | ||
| Voss and Patrice. | ||
| Voss and Patrice would team up and it's the funniest duo possible. | ||
| Because Voss is such a motherfucker. | ||
| He's very good at being like a sidekick and jumping in and being like, get him, get him, get him, fuck him. | ||
| He was a classic on O.B. Anthony. | ||
| Voss? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dude, he's an animal. | ||
| You ever see the one when they would introduce him in, like, unexpected stand-up? | ||
| They would just, he would go into, like, a coffee shop. | ||
| No. | ||
| And Club Soda Canning would go, ladies and gentlemen, Rich Voss! | ||
| And he would just go and start doing his act. | ||
| On the radio, in front of all these fucking people that have no idea he was supposed to... | ||
| Oh no, dude. | ||
| It was so cringe! | ||
| He's so fucking funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is, dude. | |
| He's the only dude on there that would like... | ||
| He was like the punching bag. | ||
| They would all try to hit. | ||
| And he had a good time. | ||
| He could take it and then he would swing back once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it would be a knockout, dude. | ||
| Whoever he hit... | ||
| But he took it with a smile on his face. | ||
| Yeah, he's fine. | ||
| He never got defensive. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is the big thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, he's fucking funny. | ||
| I love Voss so much, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's great. | |
| He's the man. | ||
| The best one he used to big dot when he would hit you with the billfold, he'd be like, here's 20 bucks. | ||
| It was the best. | ||
| Voss was the first guy to take me on the road. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was the first headliner that was like, do you want to come open for me? | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Where did he take you? | ||
| Fucking local shitholes in Pennsylvania and Jersey. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah, he was the man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he'd always be like, lose my number, kid. | ||
| Stop lying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| He was so fucking funny. | ||
| But getting friends with a real, legit comic like that when you're just starting out was so huge. | ||
| It was everything. | ||
| And then when I was getting SNL, Voss came up and was like, you know I've always been good to you, right? | ||
| I was like, you piece of shit. | ||
| I could tell he loves you. | ||
| I do love Voss. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| But that's like that moment when a guy like that takes you on the road? | ||
| Then Soder got me. | ||
| Soder was next. | ||
| It was Voss and then Dan Soder was like, do you want to come on the road? | ||
| And I was like, Oh, that's amazing. | ||
| He's like, bro, I love you so much, I'll die for you. | ||
| I'll fucking die for you. | ||
| He's an angelic dude. | ||
| Soder is an angel. | ||
| He's one of the nicest dudes in the world. | ||
| He's so nice. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| Yeah, very funny. | ||
| He's somehow underrated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For how good he is. | ||
| For now, that'll change. | ||
| I know, he's so good. | ||
| It'll be overwhelming. | ||
| It's one of those, you know, it happened with you, it's happening right now with Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Hinchcliffe is selling out everywhere, man. | ||
| He's crushing it. | ||
| Tony does crush. | ||
| Fuck, he's an animal, dude. | ||
| His stand-up is good. | ||
| That's because his character, he's a very unlikable person, his character. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where he acts like an asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you go talk to him off stage and you're like, fuck, this is the nicest guy ever. | ||
| I love this fucking guy. | ||
| He just loves pro wrestling. | ||
| Maybe you watch him on stage and he's such a cocksucker the whole time. | ||
| He wants to be the heel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He wants to be the pro wrestling heel. | ||
| And then he kills. | ||
| But he's got it down to a science. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| Yeah, going on the road, man. | ||
| That is the greatest education a comic ever gets. | ||
| When you're first starting out and you get to go on the road. | ||
| So fun. | ||
| And you're doing packed houses because they're all there to see that guy. | ||
| And you have your 15, 20 minutes you're supposed to do. | ||
| And you're like, okay, here we go. | ||
| You're going to airports and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Going to an airport to go to a show, you're like, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stoked. | |
| Your hotel's paid for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm famous. | |
| You walk in the hotel. | ||
| Just waiting for someone to ask you, like, what are you doing? | ||
| They're like, I'm actually traveling. | ||
| I'm a comedian. | ||
| Open it up for Adam Sandler. | ||
| On the road. | ||
| Soda. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the greatest. | |
| It was wonderful. | ||
| Yeah, he's a man. | ||
| Those are the greatest days. | ||
| You get jaded so quickly. | ||
| I go on the road and I'm just like, fuck. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I still love it. | ||
| Airports. | ||
| I used to love airports. | ||
| I'd go to an airport and be like, dude, this is going to be so sick. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When you go with friends, it's the best. | ||
| The best thing that I ever did, and I did it early on, is I started bringing my opening acts. | ||
| I brought guys that I knew that were really funny, that were cool. | ||
| I paid them. | ||
| Instead of the club paying them, because they always underpay you, I would pay them. | ||
| I'll pay for everybody. | ||
| Pay for their tickets, pay for their hotel. | ||
| And everybody's like, well, it costs money to fly people out. | ||
| You can just get the local out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, but that's not an option. | ||
| In my mind, then it's depression weekend. | ||
| Then it's me alone in a Phoenix hotel room, staring at the TV, flipping channels, deciding whether or not I want to work out now, when do I want to eat. | ||
| And then my only interaction with people is at the club. | ||
| You don't talk for a full day. | ||
| For the full day. | ||
| The first thing you say is, hey, everybody. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| Richie Jenney talked about that once. | ||
| Sometimes the first words he would say to anybody all day would be on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I kind of don't mind that, though. | ||
| I can wander around by myself for a while. | ||
| You don't get depressed? | ||
| No, I kind of enjoy it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I can sit by myself for a long time. | ||
| I can for a day. | ||
| I like a day off. | ||
| When you're on week number eight. | ||
| See, that'll fuck me up. | ||
| Week number eight. | ||
| Nah, that's the thing. | ||
| But when you travel with your boys. | ||
| See, yeah, it's fun. | ||
| When you're traveling with your boys, you're going to dinner with your friends. | ||
| It's like this. | ||
| Like us right now. | ||
| If we were on the road, we would have the same conversation while we're eating steak. | ||
| Laughing, having fun, cracking a bottle of wine. | ||
| Shows in an hour. | ||
| Let's go, boys! | ||
| Let's go! | ||
| And then you go. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| Yeah, I was doing them sparingly. | ||
| So I'd be like, oh, this is a nice little quiet weekend. | ||
| But yeah, if that was week after week after week after week, that would get kind of isolated. | ||
| I'm with you sparingly. | ||
| A nice week by yourself does rule. | ||
| But yeah, you gotta bring the bros. | ||
| And when you're on the road with your boys, it's like, they're your family. | ||
| It's like, we're all just friends. | ||
| This is a great time. | ||
| We're all having a good time together. | ||
| Everyone's having a good time. | ||
| Unless someone bombs. | ||
| The one guy that bombs. | ||
| But then that's kind of fun, dude. | ||
| I love when one of my friends bombs, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta go, yo, what the fuck was that? | |
| Right, but if you're taking guys, like you're giving them a chance, and you realize like halfway into the weekend, like this is not gonna work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but you just keep bringing them. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| I do. | ||
| I got guys on the roster that will bomb. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| Yeah, I'll put those dudes up on a regular night and give them a shot, but not on the road. | ||
| When you're on the road, I'm bringing heavy hitters. | ||
| I'm bringing Brian Simpson and Hinchcliffe and Hans, and I'm bringing killers. | ||
| But the fun part is still, like, I remember being excited being at the airport. | ||
| It was literally three years ago. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You were a pro. | ||
| But now I get to take, like, Lemaire and, like, Nate and all these guys that, like, they get to the airport and they're like... | ||
| Dude, they have this at the airport? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They never flew. | |
| They're like, dude, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Delta Sky Lounge? | ||
| Think about Chipotle here? | ||
| You've got to keep appreciating it. | ||
| That's why I would always take edibles. | ||
| I would always take edibles when I flew. | ||
| Because the fly day is just a disaster. | ||
| You're just flying in. | ||
| If you've got to fly to Philadelphia and you live in LA, that day's gone. | ||
| You've got five hours on a plane. | ||
| So I would just take a 200 milligram edible and just go on a harrowing adventure of the soul. | ||
| That's psycho, dude. | ||
| That's psycho. | ||
| Well, that's the Joey Diaz way. | ||
| I learned it from Diaz. | ||
| Diaz and I, when we would travel together, because we started traveling together in the 90s. | ||
| I started taking Joey Diaz with me on the road in like 97, 98. We did gigs in New Jersey. | ||
| That was the Joey Diaz cocaine years, too. | ||
| The reason why I started taking three people, I would take two people on the road with me, two openers, is because Joey didn't show up sometimes. | ||
| So that's how Ari got to start with me. | ||
| Because I'm like, God, I don't want to stop taking Joey. | ||
| Because when Joey did show up, he's the fucking life of the party. | ||
| You hoped that he didn't go on a bender. | ||
| And he only did it a couple of times. | ||
| But he did it enough where I was like, I'm going to hedge my bets. | ||
| And if Joey shows up, we've got a three-man show. | ||
| If Joey doesn't show up, we've got a two-man show. | ||
| Yeah, but they were the best times, man. | ||
| The driving road trips were the best. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Driving. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When Hinchcliffe and I have done driving road trips, he's come up with some of his most ruthless material, making me laugh in the car. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you've got to say that on stage. | ||
| He's like, really? | ||
| That's also the best thing, to have your friends with you. | ||
| If Matt's in the room, I'll be like, alright, I'm going to try the joke that you and me think's funny. | ||
| If I'm by myself, I'll go out there and just do my act. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| If I know one of my comic friends is in the room, they're going to think it's funny. | ||
| Then it is funny. | ||
| Then I'm up there like... | ||
| Yeah, it makes it fun. | ||
| It's a great way to workshop material, too. | ||
| When someone says, you've got to say that tonight. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It puts a gun to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's great. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Especially when it doesn't work and you're in the back going... | ||
| Hey, what time is your show tonight? | ||
| We got it. | ||
| Yeah, it's 5 o'clock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Awesome. | |
| My man, you're the fucking man. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| I love you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very nice to meet you. | |
| That was a lot of fun. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Appreciate you. | |
| Let's do this again 100%, the three of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, brother. | |
| Appreciate you. | ||
| Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. | ||
| Fun time. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. | ||
| It's available on YouTube. | ||
| It's on Patreon. | ||
| Do you guys have it up on iTunes and all that other stuff? | ||
| So it's on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and all that shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| All right. | ||
| First thing, search. | ||
| What does Matt McCusker do? | ||
| You'll never know. | ||
| Now they know. | ||
| Matt McCusker is a comedian, writer, and what does it say? | ||
| Oh, it's a bio. | ||
| It's a nice bio, yeah. | ||
| And proud co-host of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. | ||
| You look like a fucking mugshot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That totally looks like a mugshot. | |
| Engaging in nonviolent criminal activity, Matt has decided the rest of his days towards the pursuit of peace and harmony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Nice bio, right? | ||
| That's a good bio. | ||
| Who wrote that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me. | |
| I'm a writer, bro. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Great times, boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See you guys. | |
| Thank you very much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye, everybody. |
Export Selection