All Episodes
Sept. 1, 2022 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:55:00
Joe Rogan Experience #1866 - Protect Our Parks 5
Participants
Main voices
a
ari shaffir
27:21
j
joe rogan
01:53:29
m
mark normand
34:26
s
shane gillis
40:22
Appearances
c
clay higgins
01:19
Clips
j
jamie vernon
00:03
| Copy link to current segment

Speaker Time Text
unidentified
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
joe rogan
When you're on an IUD, you don't get periods?
mark normand
No, that's one of the perks.
shane gillis
Yeah.
ari shaffir
There's one of them you get like one period a year.
joe rogan
Are we up?
mark normand
Okay, we're rolling.
shane gillis
We're talking about menstruation.
joe rogan
Yeah.
So when you're on an IUD, you don't get periods?
mark normand
No, no, my lady does not.
joe rogan
Where does it go?
mark normand
It comes out of her ass.
joe rogan
But I mean, I've read about a guy.
Maybe I have an IUD. I read about a guy who has like some weird fucking birth defect where he comes out of his ass.
mark normand
Those are called gays.
joe rogan
No, no, no, no.
That's other people's come.
ari shaffir
It's right after sex.
joe rogan
See if you find that.
Let's start with this.
Some guy has some weird issue where he was ejaculating out of his anus.
ari shaffir
Here we go, everybody!
shane gillis
That's pretty nice.
mark normand
That sounds pretty good.
Like, must feel great.
shane gillis
Yeah, it feels great.
I don't think so.
joe rogan
Because then it would feel like you have jizz in your butt and it's not even yours.
Curious case of rectal ejaculation.
Of course, it's in Florida.
Rectal prostate fistulas are uncommon anatomical connections between the prostatic urethra and rectum that are typically...
Say that word.
mark normand
Typically.
joe rogan
Latrogenic?
Iatrogenic.
Oh, it's an I.
Iatrogenic, but can also result from other underlying pathology.
Here we present a unique case of a rectal prostate fistula causing the rectal passage of sperm.
A 33-year-old male with a history of illicit drug use With drugs.
He was treated with...
shane gillis
Pibracillin to Zivactam.
joe rogan
Thank you.
Surgical fistula repair was performed.
Further investigation default...
Fistula.
Further investigation divulged a three-week comatose state due to cocaine.
shane gillis
Yo!
mark normand
What is that word?
joe rogan
Fensildine intoxication two years prior with documentation suggesting a traumatic Foley catheter placement and strong suspicion for premature balloon dilation of the prosthetic urethra.
mark normand
What is that in English?
I don't know what it is.
shane gillis
Maybe someone shoved a balloon up his ass when he was high.
joe rogan
Something happened that was really bad.
That was a guy who went too hard.
ari shaffir
Too hard.
mark normand
He went too hard.
joe rogan
He went too crazy.
ari shaffir
He enjoyed life.
shane gillis
Imagine going so hard you wake up jizzing out of your ass.
unidentified
He did.
joe rogan
It's a wild night.
People are like, oh, I lost my car keys, and I got kicked out of my house because I didn't pay rent.
Oh, yeah?
I cum out of my ass.
I partied so hard.
shane gillis
I cum out of my butt now, dude.
joe rogan
He's just leaking.
mark normand
The gay guy who fucked him has got to feel good.
joe rogan
Like, look what I did to you.
mark normand
He farts so good.
joe rogan
Farts bubbles.
Farts cum bubbles out of his ass.
shane gillis
Oh, man.
joe rogan
How about that?
Probably thought it was other guy's jizz, just like, stored away back there.
shane gillis
Especially waking up?
joe rogan
Yeah.
shane gillis
Like, holy shit, I gotta fuck him.
joe rogan
How much jizz is up there?
ari shaffir
I wonder how many times he did it before he was like, I gotta go to the doctor.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
A long time.
ari shaffir
Yeah, a man would go like, I had to work itself out.
shane gillis
Exactly.
A long time.
joe rogan
No biggie, just a hole in the pipes.
ari shaffir
I did fuck a lot of dudes last night.
This seems...
joe rogan
I think a lot of dudes fucked him.
ari shaffir
Could be, right.
joe rogan
I think, yeah, there's probably some damage going on.
shane gillis
You hold off on that visit as long as you can.
This thing's got to sort itself out.
ari shaffir
Just take a look and tell what you find.
joe rogan
Why don't we have glasses and ice?
mark normand
We're in here?
joe rogan
Glasses and ice, we're in here?
Someone took them away?
ari shaffir
No dice on the ice?
mark normand
Ice, it's on the border.
joe rogan
What are we going to do?
unidentified
Be sober?
joe rogan
Jesus Christ, boy.
mark normand
How do the gay guys decide who does the top-bottom?
joe rogan
I think some guys like it.
Some guys like bottom, some guys like top.
mark normand
Wouldn't you want to mix and match?
shane gillis
Some guys don't want to.
mark normand
Yeah, it feels weird that there's an assigned, you know, one way.
ari shaffir
It's weird.
Yeah, dating's weird.
mark normand
Dating's weird, huh?
Just saying, gay guys, call in.
ari shaffir
Didn't they used to have the handkerchief signs?
Wasn't that a thing?
shane gillis
No, that was just what people would tell you if you had a handkerchief hanging out.
They'd be like, you know, that means you're gay.
If you got an earring, they'd be like, that means you're a bottom.
ari shaffir
Different handkerchief colors meant different things.
joe rogan
Right, there was always a thing where you had, like, if your pants were rolled up on one side.
mark normand
Yes!
And then there was the tap in the bathroom.
shane gillis
I think that one's legit.
mark normand
That's real?
joe rogan
That's like some weird stuff with guys who are in the closet.
Who, like, go to restrooms at airports.
ari shaffir
That's like congressman gay.
shane gillis
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ari shaffir
That's another level of gay.
shane gillis
I mean, that's exactly what happened to a senator.
mark normand
That's right.
That's where I learned about it.
joe rogan
So this is yours?
Bodega Cat?
mark normand
That's me and Sam Earl's new rye.
ari shaffir
Let's try it.
mark normand
Tastes great.
Crack it open.
It's for sale now online.
joe rogan
It's called Bodega Cat Straight Rye Whiskey.
How long has it aged for?
A week.
mark normand
A week.
joe rogan
Does it age at all?
mark normand
Oh, sure.
Big age.
joe rogan
Don't lie to me.
Don't lie to me.
mark normand
I don't know anything about the aging.
shane gillis
I thought it was aged.
joe rogan
How much do you know about whiskey?
mark normand
He drinks a lot of it.
Just the taste.
I know rye and whiskey are different.
ari shaffir
What got me into whiskey was late night shows at the cellar with you and Sam and Mackie drinking Bullet Rye on the Rocks.
unidentified
Yeah!
mark normand
Yeah, love a good rye.
joe rogan
Gentlemen, to, what is this, episode four or five?
unidentified
Five.
Five?
mark normand
Is it five?
joe rogan
We have protected zero parks.
mark normand
Yeah, fuck the parks.
joe rogan
Protect our parks is 100% unsuccessful.
ari shaffir
I drove by it the other day.
I'm like, god damn it.
It's just all flattened.
mark normand
Thank you.
shane gillis
Pretty fucking good.
mark normand
We tasted like 10 different ryes.
Oh, come on!
shane gillis
Oh, God.
mark normand
I'm trying to sell this here, Rogan.
ari shaffir
It's pretty good.
joe rogan
It's right next to Buffalo Trace.
It's a hard sell.
mark normand
Well, one's a rock.
ari shaffir
We gotta do a blind test test.
shane gillis
I'm more of a bodega cat.
mark normand
Thank you.
joe rogan
You like it dark?
shane gillis
Yeah, I usually don't like this shit.
This is actually pretty good.
joe rogan
You like it with a little fucking kick to it?
mark normand
That's a kick.
That's hoity-toity.
unidentified
Hoity-toity?
mark normand
The Buffalo Trace is too high-end.
This is an American...
This isn't even expensive.
joe rogan
Buffalo Trace isn't even expensive.
shane gillis
Buffalo Trace is expensive.
Fuck Buffalo Trace.
ari shaffir
Fuck Buffalo Trace.
joe rogan
Kill yourself.
Listen, Bodega Cat, I love the comedians involved, so I'll support it.
mark normand
Alright, thank you.
joe rogan
I like a fucking good, harsh whiskey.
I like a shot of Jack before a show.
mark normand
Hell yeah!
joe rogan
But I don't sip it and savor it like an old scotch.
ari shaffir
Jack's not a sippin'.
joe rogan
No way.
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
It's good for a boilermaker.
You take a shot in a beer.
joe rogan
It's good right before a show where you just down one and go, let's fucking go!
shane gillis
Yeah, dude.
unidentified
Woo!
Yeah.
joe rogan
Boys.
ari shaffir
Paint thinner.
joe rogan
Good to see ya.
mark normand
Good to be back.
joe rogan
Always good to see you guys.
Very exciting.
Very exciting.
Ari, how long did it take you to recover from the last one?
ari shaffir
Solid day.
I think I was okay saying goodbye.
Did I seem okay saying goodbye?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
He didn't say goodbye.
He slept on the floor for at least an hour, and I stayed until he left.
And it was several hours.
ari shaffir
But I was like, hey, see ya, man.
joe rogan
Yeah, you were good.
Yeah, you recovered.
You had a big smile on your face.
mark normand
You had cum coming out of your ass.
ari shaffir
I was pretty banged up.
shane gillis
That took me a week.
A week?
Well, because then I went to Kill Tony.
joe rogan
And you kept drinking?
How many did you have that day in total?
shane gillis
I don't know.
Probably had five or six at Kill Tony at least.
mark normand
Kill Tony's a blur.
shane gillis
Probably around 30, yeah.
mark normand
I had to watch part of that on YouTube to be like, oh yeah.
joe rogan
That show is so important.
shane gillis
I didn't watch any of that.
joe rogan
It's such a good show for comedy.
It sets comics up, like the young people coming up, it sets them up like on the right path.
Just be funny.
ari shaffir
Would've been nice if we had that when we were starting.
joe rogan
It would've been amazing.
ari shaffir
A nice little press.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
And you see these people that go on to have careers, like out of Kill Tony, and they legitimately have careers.
mark normand
It's a credit.
People use it as a credit.
ari shaffir
Who's the biggest Kill Tony picked out of the hat?
Who's the biggest one?
joe rogan
Well, let me see.
Preacher Lawson.
mark normand
He started there?
joe rogan
Yep, he started to kill Tony.
He's killing it.
ari shaffir
Damn, really?
joe rogan
Yeah.
Ally Mikofsky's doing really well on the road now.
Hans Kim is a fucking killer.
I bring that guy with me everywhere.
He's so funny.
He's so good.
That guy is fucking killing it.
William Montgomery's killing it.
There's a lot of good people.
David Lucas is killing it.
Him and Tony together, I was the guest last week.
I was fucking in tears, like crying in tears at those two going after each other.
Yeah.
Lucas and him, those two together are like the best one-two combination in comedy.
ari shaffir
He opened for me at the creek when I was here, and he just vapes on stage.
He's so fucking chill.
He's just talking, and he's like...
I was like, what are you doing?
joe rogan
He's such a good guy.
Such a good guy.
So funny.
shane gillis
But yeah, doing Kill Tony after this was...
Fuck, that hurt.
mark normand
That was tough.
shane gillis
That was bad.
That was pretty sad.
joe rogan
Well, you're doing it tonight.
shane gillis
Yeah, but we're not drinking 30 beers tonight.
joe rogan
Well, you have a fucking one beer and a whiskey and a Nate Diaz shirt.
The odds of you not going hard today.
shane gillis
Look, I'm gonna get fucked up.
mark normand
It just happens.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
It just happens.
mark normand
It just happens.
shane gillis
On the way over, I was like, I'm going to take it easy.
As soon as we walked in this room, I was like, fuck.
mark normand
I'm definitely getting fucked up.
ari shaffir
There's so many instruments of death there.
shane gillis
Jamie's like, oh, I got a beer bong.
joe rogan
We literally have a tomahawk on the fucking table.
shane gillis
This isn't good.
ari shaffir
Is that for...
joe rogan
That's a Jack Carr Tomahawk from The Terminalist, that television show that Chris Pratt uses to fucking split a guy's head open.
shane gillis
Chris Pratt's the fucking man.
joe rogan
He's the fucking man.
shane gillis
He's the fucking man, dude.
mark normand
He's religious.
joe rogan
Great dude in real life.
shane gillis
I bet.
joe rogan
Great dude.
I ran into him accidentally once in Hawaii.
He was on vacation.
He was on his honeymoon with his wife.
And I was there with my family, and he just strolls up like a fucking normal person.
He's like a normal guy.
shane gillis
How long ago?
Was this still Chubby, Chris Pratt?
joe rogan
Couple years ago.
ari shaffir
Remember when he was a nerd?
shane gillis
Chubby Chris Pratt was the man.
joe rogan
He was already Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt, so he's already coming up.
shane gillis
Yo, we were talking about crying during movies.
I cried during Guardians of the Galaxy on an airplane.
ari shaffir
What?
shane gillis
Two weeks ago, I cried.
unidentified
Why?
shane gillis
I don't know.
I love that shit, dude.
joe rogan
One or two.
Number one or two.
shane gillis
Unfortunately, two.
Started playing fucking Fleetwood Mac and it was showing how much he loved his friends.
And I was on an airplane by myself just like...
unidentified
It's rude.
mark normand
You know what they say, elevation, it makes you more emotional.
shane gillis
It's the elevation.
Dude, I cry on planes every time.
joe rogan
Well, you're also vulnerable.
That's why I like to get high on planes.
Like when we would take edibles, Ari, we would get balitzkrieg.
Like we would have been a neighboring dimension.
I can never do that.
We do it all the time.
ari shaffir
Dude, I was so high once that I thought I have low blood pressure.
I thought taking off would kick the blood into my feet.
And since I would keep kicking off, I would just die.
And I was looking over.
I'm like, I think I want to get off this plane.
But I can't tell Rogan.
I'll give a shit for it.
And I was like, well, I'm done.
joe rogan
I gave Segura once an edible.
And he got on a plane with me.
And he goes, I almost didn't make it when we landed.
He goes, I was almost freaking out.
I almost asked to land the plane.
unidentified
Almost asked.
mark normand
It's the worst place to do an edible.
You're trapped.
ari shaffir
It's the perfect place to do an edible because you're trapped.
mark normand
Once, never again.
joe rogan
But that's the reason why you do it on a plane.
You've got to let go.
That's the whole idea.
ari shaffir
And also, if you get the spins, you just stay in your chair and just like, fine.
joe rogan
You just deal with it.
Just don't be a pussy.
mark normand
You're going to live.
It's a nightmare.
joe rogan
You're going to live.
ari shaffir
It does suck.
mark normand
Don't be a pussy.
joe rogan
You're going to live.
unidentified
Everybody lives.
mark normand
I wonder if anybody on Flight 93 was on an edible.
Somebody must have been on an edible on that.
joe rogan
One guy at least.
mark normand
One guy, just going into the building like, whoa, this is pretty cool.
joe rogan
They shot that fucking plane out of the sky.
shane gillis
Yeah, almost no doubt.
joe rogan
Yeah, almost no doubt they shot it out of the sky.
The wreckage was scattered for miles.
shane gillis
In Somerset.
ari shaffir
They should've.
unidentified
Huh?
joe rogan
Yeah, they're supposed to.
They just didn't want to say it.
ari shaffir
It was a hijacked plane.
It was headed towards...
joe rogan
I'm saying that let's roll all that.
Probably didn't happen.
ari shaffir
That was to give America a victory.
Like, we fought back against them.
We got our, you know...
mark normand
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
joe rogan
Yeah, they crashed into the ground to save the White House?
Get the fuck out of here.
ari shaffir
They grounded all planes.
One plane suddenly wasn't talking, and it was headed off its course towards the White House.
And they were like...
Hello, were you there?
joe rogan
They found the wreckage.
The wreckage was spread out over miles.
Now, in a plane crash, the wreckage does not spread for miles.
But when you blow something up in the air, I would imagine that it would spread out for miles.
But, you know, when you hit the ground, how is the wreckage spread for miles?
That doesn't even make sense.
shane gillis
I think there was something...
I think it was Chaney was like, do it.
I'm sure.
joe rogan
I believe.
shane gillis
I don't know why I'm thinking this.
joe rogan
Listen, I'm sure.
Those people are dead anyway.
ari shaffir
Bush was out doing coke, and Cheney's like, I got it, dude.
Just go read to kids.
joe rogan
Let's say there's 200 people on a plane, and those 200 people are 100% hijacked.
There's terrorists on the plane, and they're going to crash into the White House.
Now, instead of 200 people dead, you have 2,000 people dead.
You don't think they're going to blow that thing out of the sky?
ari shaffir
Had to.
mark normand
I haven't heard of it.
This is the first time I'm hearing it.
joe rogan
It's the protocol.
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Even back then, I was like, this seems fishy.
joe rogan
I talked to military guys about it, and they were like, yeah.
ari shaffir
How did the guy get service on the plane?
shane gillis
That cheap-ass, stupid watch.
mark normand
Timex, it's broken.
joe rogan
You have a Rolex.
mark normand
I knew a Rolex.
joe rogan
You don't even wear it.
mark normand
Well, I can't wear that.
shane gillis
I don't get mugged.
mark normand
In New York?
Oh, yeah.
ari shaffir
Walking by the homeless guys.
joe rogan
Just don't wear it in New York.
You wear it here.
mark normand
I don't know.
I just lost my sunglasses on the plane.
joe rogan
You don't even know how to shut that off.
mark normand
I don't know what the hell to do.
It doesn't even have the right time.
joe rogan
Why do you have it on, though?
mark normand
I like a watch.
shane gillis
It doesn't tell the time, for real?
mark normand
Well, it says it's Thursday at 4. So, yeah, it's right in Hawaii.
unidentified
So it'll be right at Thursday on 4. Thursday at 4 somewhere.
joe rogan
It's right in Hawaii.
mark normand
It's ten bucks.
Can't beat it.
joe rogan
Yeah, well, they probably do calculations on it too, right?
Is that one of those?
mark normand
No, I wish.
No features.
It lights up.
joe rogan
Remember when they had the calculator watches?
Oh, yeah.
mark normand
Calculators.
joe rogan
If you had calculators on your watch, they wouldn't let you into college with them.
mark normand
That's right.
joe rogan
What are you doing?
Are you going to cheat with your stupid watch?
unidentified
I don't know.
shane gillis
I don't remember this.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
You didn't go to college.
shane gillis
Yeah, you were in five colleges.
mark normand
I went to three.
I went to community college.
shane gillis
I went to a bunch of colleges.
mark normand
If I get the student loan debt, I'll be making money.
joe rogan
There was a time where that was the shit, to have a calculator on your watch.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
I never had one, but yeah, it was the thing.
ari shaffir
It was cool.
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah.
ari shaffir
And then they did throwbacks to it.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Like decades later, they're like, hey, get those going.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
I would wear one of those now.
joe rogan
You'd wear a calculator watch?
shane gillis
I hope they shot down Flight 93. I hope.
Otherwise, we're just trashing the let's roll, dude.
The guy who died like a hero.
ari shaffir
He's up and having a...
joe rogan
The odds of them telling us the truth in every situation are slim to none.
ari shaffir
How did he get reception up there?
Who reported that he said that's wrong?
shane gillis
They did have the credit card swipe phones on the backs of seats.
ari shaffir
So he called home and said, I'm going to go do something?
shane gillis
No, I forget the exact story.
I listened to the black box of it, or read the black box.
joe rogan
Really?
shane gillis
Read the black box transcript.
ari shaffir
That's just on a pilot.
shane gillis
I've read it.
ari shaffir
That's just on a cockpit.
shane gillis
This dude's up there.
I think I might have talked about this last time.
Got into reading black boxes.
joe rogan
Don't be scared, worry.com.
shane gillis
Whoa, black box, last word.
mark normand
Good name for a porn.
joe rogan
You're scared of weed, but you drink like a fish.
It's very odd.
shane gillis
What are you scared of?
Drinking makes me feel good.
joe rogan
And what does weed do?
shane gillis
Makes me feel pretty bad.
unidentified
Really?
ari shaffir
Everybody's got their drug.
mark normand
It's all personality-based.
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
I'm with you.
joe rogan
Anxiety's your friend.
shane gillis
I have it regularly.
mark normand
I disagree.
joe rogan
It's here to tell you things.
It's here to tell you things.
mark normand
Bad news.
joe rogan
All the things you're anxious about, fix those.
All those things you're anxious about, fix those.
ari shaffir
I'm with you, Shane.
You gotta do what's right for you.
shane gillis
Thanks, bro.
joe rogan
Oh, look at this fucking big brother coach.
shane gillis
I love weed.
ari shaffir
Louie Katz has a joke about it.
He goes, weed, you know, marijuana means no worries.
And then one day, it meant all the worries.
mark normand
Right.
ari shaffir
It's just like, I don't know when it turns on people.
joe rogan
It does turn on you, but it also turns on you if you've got something to turn on.
mark normand
We all have something to turn on.
joe rogan
It's like, those are the things you have to think about.
shane gillis
I'm not going to get high on here and be like, fuck, I've got to start working out.
Yeah, I'm working on it.
joe rogan
You already know that.
shane gillis
It's going slow.
joe rogan
Yeah, you look a little more jacked.
shane gillis
Let's go.
mark normand
Look at that, you look huge.
ari shaffir
You made me work out today.
It sucked.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
You guys worked out together?
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Nice.
shane gillis
What'd you do?
ari shaffir
CrossFit?
shane gillis
We did some dumb training shit.
joe rogan
Yeah?
Nice.
unidentified
Look at you.
shane gillis
Embarrassing stuff.
Started with some sumo squats.
Not a big deal.
mark normand
Oh, wow.
shane gillis
Sumo squats.
mark normand
Why didn't sumo ever make it to America?
joe rogan
Because we don't...
mark normand
We'd be...
We're fat.
We like to wrestle.
ari shaffir
Yeah, but we have real wrestling.
mark normand
Yeah, but sumo's cool.
unidentified
I like to move.
joe rogan
Sumo's interesting.
unidentified
It's interesting.
mark normand
I think we could dominate.
ari shaffir
An American guy won, and they were all pissed about it.
He became like the champion.
joe rogan
I think it was a Hawaiian guy.
ari shaffir
That makes sense.
mark normand
Big people.
joe rogan
Giant big dude.
Big Polynesian fella.
mark normand
You've seen the guy with the ukulele.
joe rogan
Yeah, one of them fellas.
mark normand
Yeah, he's fat.
joe rogan
Big giant.
Big bones.
Big fucking frame.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
You gotta be a big fuck.
They eat so much.
You watch those sumo wrestlers eat, it's crazy.
mark normand
Oh, really?
joe rogan
Oh, my God.
Because that's the whole thing.
You gotta have mass.
mark normand
I think they get laid.
Like, they're heroes.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah.
In Japan, it's a gigantic tradition.
I mean, just the rich history of it.
It's a big deal over there.
mark normand
Yeah, that's gotta be fun, though, because over here, you're trying to cut weight.
It's all about cutting weight.
Over there, you're probably trying to just keep gaining it.
joe rogan
Also, you're wearing this rope diaper.
mark normand
I don't like the diaper.
joe rogan
That people hang on to.
mark normand
I love the diaper.
joe rogan
Hang on to someone's underwear and throw them around by it.
It's a very strange sport.
shane gillis
It is a weird sport.
ari shaffir
It's just all wedgie.
mark normand
Right.
joe rogan
I wonder if they've ever had matches between really elite, high-level wrestlers that are big, giant guys and sumo guys.
I wonder who wins those, if they do sumo.
shane gillis
Sumo guys must dominate that.
ari shaffir
It's just linebacker shit, right?
joe rogan
Yeah, but I would imagine that a really good, agile, 300-pound wrestler might be able to...
shane gillis
They do have those matches, because there are some...
Sumo guys, they're like smaller.
They look more like wrestlers.
They're not big fat guys and they go up against the Yokozunos.
joe rogan
What does Yokozuno mean?
shane gillis
I don't know.
joe rogan
That's a great name though.
shane gillis
Yokozuno is like the champion, right?
joe rogan
Let's see.
Who's the best sumo wrestler today alive?
mark normand
There we go.
joe rogan
Who's like the fucking Jon Jones of sumo wrestling?
mark normand
There's gotta be somebody.
shane gillis
Jon Jones is the best.
joe rogan
It's hard to argue.
He never got taken down.
unidentified
It's Mighty Mouse.
joe rogan
Mighty Mouse just won the one championship and won the rematch and got his title back.
Yeah.
Mighty Mouse is the fucking man.
mark normand
He's good.
ari shaffir
He also put it on the line more than Jon Jones.
joe rogan
Well, I wouldn't say that.
What does that mean?
I would say Jon Jones put it on the line with everybody that was against him in his division.
Including Daniel Komei, Gustafsson.
mark normand
He likes the lines.
joe rogan
Not that he had less fights.
shane gillis
Who doesn't?
joe rogan
Jon Jones cleaned out his fucking division.
You can't say any ifs, ands, or buts about it.
But Mighty Mouse was less recognized because he was small.
So these are the best guys right now?
mark normand
These guys are thin.
This is thin in America.
ari shaffir
Oh, don't even help the guy up?
joe rogan
No, he's like, fuck you, bro.
mark normand
Oh, they're bleeding.
You never see them bleeding.
joe rogan
Oh, wow, what happened?
shane gillis
Smash heads.
joe rogan
Wow.
Is that what it is?
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
Oh, yeah, right?
He went nose to forehead right there.
unidentified
Oh, see?
mark normand
This is awesome.
shane gillis
Slap the face.
mark normand
We should do this here.
ari shaffir
Oh, this is crazy.
Oh, you're done, dude.
You know you're done.
joe rogan
Oh, he caught you slipping.
shane gillis
Boom.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
And you land on the ground.
There's not even a cushion there.
ari shaffir
Yeah, why not make it all even?
joe rogan
They're supposed to throw you down.
Like, that's part of the thing.
It's like the indignity of falling.
mark normand
I love it.
I love the diaper.
It's so traditional.
joe rogan
Oh, slap them.
How hard can you slap?
ari shaffir
I don't know.
Ask Nate.
joe rogan
No, but that's what I'm saying.
unidentified
Otherwise...
ari shaffir
Oh, how hard are you allowed?
joe rogan
Yeah, look at that.
Because otherwise...
ari shaffir
Oh, you threw it out to a lady in the front!
You threw it out to a lady!
unidentified
She shouldn't be there.
joe rogan
She shouldn't be there.
Get out of there with your phone.
She was looking at my phone!
Her shoulder is probably fucked.
unidentified
Show that again.
joe rogan
Show it again.
That lady, her shoulder must be fucked.
Watch this.
Boom.
unidentified
That's a man.
Watch.
joe rogan
Look, he's got vault spot.
mark normand
Yeah, you don't want to be broke.
joe rogan
Watch what happens to his shoulder.
No more mayonnaise jars.
You'll never open up a mayonnaise jar without harm.
mark normand
These guys are badass.
shane gillis
Yeah, these guys are huge.
joe rogan
Giant guys.
shane gillis
They're not just big fat guys.
They're like...
mark normand
They're beefy.
shane gillis
They're strong as fuck.
joe rogan
They're tanks.
ari shaffir
Oh, he scores seven trees with two bushes?
joe rogan
So these are the best guys, huh?
These are the best guys?
mark normand
They're not as big as I remember them as a kid.
shane gillis
There are big guys.
joe rogan
The best sumo of all time.
That was slick.
mark normand
That fat guy is slick.
shane gillis
That's what we call a swim technique.
mark normand
I bet they're slippery too, those Asian hairless...
Look at that!
He's like a seal!
joe rogan
They probably have some very specific rules.
ari shaffir
He just lets him go?
joe rogan
Like, you're probably not allowed to grease your body.
mark normand
Oh, sure.
joe rogan
Oh, shoulder right to the face.
unidentified
Oh, man!
ari shaffir
He knew he was dealing with a chump.
mark normand
Johnny, we've got to adopt this, although you can just see this as an eagle's game.
joe rogan
He's dealing with a chump.
shane gillis
Yeah, this is just offensive.
joe rogan
Ari, that guy is like the number two in the world.
ari shaffir
He's clowning him.
mark normand
Two guys tailgating.
ari shaffir
He was clowning him.
joe rogan
Well, he's definitely beating them with strategy.
mark normand
Now, what do they make a year?
Because there's got to be some diabetes and stuff going.
joe rogan
It can't be good for you, right?
No.
To be that big?
ari shaffir
It can't be great for you.
I heard they eat once a day.
unidentified
What?
ari shaffir
Crazy once a day to get their metabolism down.
unidentified
10,000 calories.
mark normand
Look at this guy.
joe rogan
10,000 calories.
shane gillis
This guy fucking rules.
ari shaffir
He's got nip rings.
joe rogan
That dude looks like he could take a punch.
ari shaffir
I wanted that outfit from the Red Jack.
mark normand
Look at his forehead.
He's got a sweet ass.
joe rogan
Oh, he KO'd that dude.
unidentified
Wow.
Show that again.
joe rogan
Show that again.
Oh, he elbowed him in the face.
mark normand
Oh, I didn't know you could do that.
joe rogan
Yo, he KO'd him.
Do that again.
One more time.
jamie vernon
We gotta show it in slow-mo.
mark normand
I'm telling you!
unidentified
Subo!
joe rogan
Is that legal?
mark normand
Subo's underrated.
joe rogan
Oh, that forearm shot to the jaw.
KO'd.
mark normand
I love the referee, too.
joe rogan
Full guard.
Oh my god, that dude is KO'd.
100%.
I didn't know this happened.
unidentified
Wow.
mark normand
I'm telling you, sumo.
joe rogan
Is he gonna try again?
ari shaffir
This is cooler than I remember.
mark normand
Bring it here.
joe rogan
Here's slow-mo.
unidentified
Oh!
mark normand
That should be illegal.
joe rogan
Why not?
It should be illegal.
unidentified
Why?
joe rogan
That's awesome.
mark normand
I thought it was just pushing out.
ari shaffir
Yeah, I thought it was just pushing out.
mark normand
Elbows and shit.
joe rogan
It's your forearm.
Maybe it's okay to push with your forearm.
shane gillis
He caught him with it.
joe rogan
That is 100% a strike.
That's like some Muay Thai shit.
mark normand
Wow.
joe rogan
That's some Leon Edwards shit right there.
mark normand
So fat.
I love it.
joe rogan
That's elbows.
mark normand
Look at these guys.
ari shaffir
I like how they're backstage dingy.
joe rogan
That's a special skill to hit people with your elbows.
ari shaffir
That guy moved.
mark normand
Ooh, a nice flip there.
joe rogan
Have you ever seen Nate Marquardt versus Tyron Woodley in Strike Force?
shane gillis
No.
joe rogan
It's one of the greatest elbow combinations ever, like a goddamn video game.
This is when Nate Marquardt was one of the top fighters on Earth, but people didn't really get to know him.
He didn't get famous in America like he probably should have.
Look at this.
Oh!
mark normand
Whitey.
joe rogan
And again, watch this.
Boom.
shane gillis
This is after UFC for Woodley, right?
joe rogan
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Before.
This is before the UFC. This was Nate Marquardt when he was at the top of the world.
mark normand
I've never heard of him.
joe rogan
You know, he was one of George St. Pierre's sparring partners.
He did a lot of sparring with Shane Carwin.
He was one of those guys out of Colorado.
Bro, I'm telling you, at this point in his career, Nate Marquardt was a fucking beast.
He was so talented.
And he fought all over the world.
He fought in Japan when he was very young.
mark normand
What happened to him?
joe rogan
Well, you know, all fighters, they run their course, man.
Your body's not designed for this.
ari shaffir
He did well in the UFC. Didn't he have a title fight with Anderson?
joe rogan
He did very well.
He did very well in the UFC. Yeah.
I mean, he knocked out...
Damian Maia with one punch in the UFC. Like, he beat a lot of good guys in the UFC. And Chael Sonnen beat him when Chael was at his best and Nate was arguably close to his best.
And Chael just ragdolled him.
That's why whenever someone says that Chael Sonnen wasn't a good fighter, I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind.
Chael Sonnen just fought Jon Jones.
It doesn't mean that Chael Sonnen was an elite.
Chael Sonnen submitted Shogun.
You know, you watch Chael Sonnen fight, but watch the fight with Nate Marquardt, because that was Nate Marquardt when he was a fucking assassin.
And Chael Sonnen just wrestle-fucked him to death.
Just ragdolled him, threw him around.
And you get to see how good Chael was when he was at his best.
You almost beat Anderson Silva!
ari shaffir
I've never lost one round of any fight in my life.
I've never lost one minute of any fight in my life.
mark normand
You never got into a fistfight?
ari shaffir
No, that's a Chael Sonnen quote.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's what he would say.
He would say that.
That's right, I forgot he said that.
He would say that after he lost.
Like, he didn't give a fuck.
ari shaffir
Yeah, when I come into the octagon, it's thunderous.
When Anderson Silva comes in, you can hear a mouse pissing on cotton.
mark normand
He's got a bunch of lines on him.
joe rogan
That guy came that close to being the middleweight champion of the world.
If he just defended that triangle, which he probably would 8 out of 10 times, if 8 out of 10 times, he just last round, exhausted, got stuck, oh shit, I'm in a fucking triangle and it's locked up.
You gotta realize how long that is.
ari shaffir
It was 4-0.
joe rogan
Yes.
Yeah, he was dominating him.
He was taking him down left and right.
But it's...
So long.
To fight that long is so long.
ari shaffir
So not to make one mental mistake against a guy.
unidentified
It's so long.
joe rogan
You're so tired.
No one's body's designed for that.
No one's body.
So they have to pace themselves.
mark normand
Oh, here we go.
joe rogan
He trapped them.
Look at that.
Look how good that goddamn triangle is, too.
Dude, that is just locked in.
And Chael's trying to get out.
Now he's got the arm, too, and he had a tap because he was doing his arm sideways.
See, he's got his arm sideways.
That's terrifying.
mark normand
Why won't he let go?
joe rogan
He's letting go.
He's just making sure that he realizes he tapped.
mark normand
Oh, okay.
joe rogan
I think Chael was saying that he didn't tap.
mark normand
Oh, he definitely tapped.
joe rogan
He definitely tapped.
100% he tapped.
I think he might have been saying he didn't tap.
Maybe he woke up.
Sometimes that does happen.
ari shaffir
He's like, what happened?
joe rogan
No, you guys go out.
This is super common, and then they try to take down the referee.
It's super common.
It happens all the time.
You can't think like he was trying to cheat.
You gotta think he probably just woke up.
Because if you're watching this, he's fully locked in with a triangle, and Anderson's squeezing and pulling down on the head.
See how he's doing right there?
shane gillis
He's getting the anaconda squeeze.
joe rogan
Bro, let me tell you something.
That shit is...
He's so close to unconsciousness.
I mean, he's moving around and flailing, but when he's tapping here, he's tapping, he went out.
shane gillis
That was it.
joe rogan
He went out, dude.
He went out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think he went out.
He might only went out for a half a second, but I think he went out.
His eyes roll back, like when he's tapping, and Anderson keeps his squeeze on him.
shane gillis
Ah, that blows to get one.
joe rogan
So when you wake up...
shane gillis
It's a clear tap, but it's still like...
joe rogan
No, no, no, that was a tap.
That was a tap.
He'll tell you that was a tap.
mark normand
Oh, really?
joe rogan
But I think he just woke up.
See, look, he's 100% tapping.
100% tapping.
But here's the thing.
It's like him waking up from that, like you wake up from that, you don't know what the fuck just happened.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
You literally went black.
And then back to reality.
And you're like, what is going on?
You think you're still in a fight.
So guys do that.
Kevin Lee did that, too.
That happened with him and...
Ray Rice.
shane gillis
Dude, fire it up.
Go back to that one.
ari shaffir
Is that the finger?
joe rogan
Kevin Lee did it with Charles Oliveira.
No, Tony tapped him with a triangle, but Kevin Lee did it with Charles Oliveira.
Charles Oliveira caught him in a guillotine or something.
I forget what he caught him with, but he caught him really tight.
And Kevin Lee tapped, and then he woke up and tried to keep going.
shane gillis
Yeah.
ari shaffir
I went out once.
joe rogan
Did you really?
ari shaffir
Yeah.
And then Eddie Bravo was just over me.
I couldn't make sense of it.
I was like, did I fall asleep while you were talking?
I didn't want to be rude.
And then I was like, wait, no, we were doing drills.
It takes a second.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
I got knocked out in college and then I pissed myself.
shane gillis
It's not quite the same thing.
Although we talked about this last time.
That's the most humiliating shit of all time.
That's what happened to Tyson against Buster Douglas.
They had to tell him.
He was in the corner.
Like, what the fuck?
joe rogan
Yeah.
But it's a little different.
The choke-out doesn't give you the same damage.
With the knock-out, they'll ask questions for hours later.
Sometimes guys get knocked out real bad, and then you'll talk to them five minutes later, they're like, what happened?
And then you tell them again.
And then five minutes later, they'll be like, what happened?
And then you tell them again.
They don't remember it.
ari shaffir
Don't you lose like 10, 20 seconds back?
joe rogan
It's not a standard thing.
It's not standardized.
It happens depending upon how hard you got hit, where you got hit.
Who you are?
What kind of genetics do you have?
Are you good at taking a shot or is your body more vulnerable?
Because everybody, it varies.
There's guys like Mark Hunt, you can kick him in the head and it just bounces off his head.
In his prime, dude, he was a monster.
He was known for being able to take a shot better than anyone alive.
mark normand
He's Hawaiian, right?
shane gillis
Australian.
Well, Samoan.
mark normand
Samoan, right?
Same shit.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's from Australia.
He's the shit.
Mark Hunt was an elite, elite kickboxer.
He won the K-1 Grand Prix.
That's like the most prestigious title in all of kickboxing.
Auckland, New Zealand.
shane gillis
I was just in Australia.
joe rogan
Didn't he train also in Australia?
ari shaffir
Yeah, he lives in Australia, so he's from.
joe rogan
Oh yeah, he lived in Australia, but he's from New Zealand.
Oceania's killing right now.
ari shaffir
He's the fucking man.
What's that?
shane gillis
Tui Vassa.
joe rogan
Tui Vassa's the man.
shane gillis
Stylebender.
joe rogan
He's awesome.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
Come on, man.
shane gillis
What's his name?
Volkanovski.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Oh, he's cool.
And that dude, Kaikawa Frantz, is a bad motherfucker, too.
The guy who just lost to Brandon Marino.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
He got caught.
He got kicked in the liver.
shane gillis
Did you see that?
joe rogan
It was a good fight.
It was a good fight.
And he got caught.
But that's what happens.
You're fighting the best guys in the world.
mark normand
How's your liver doing?
It can't be great.
unidentified
It's all right.
It's all right.
mark normand
I mean, have you tested it?
shane gillis
Yeah, I take it.
I feel it.
mark normand
Oh, really?
shane gillis
I see if it hurts.
mark normand
Does it pulse?
Does it push out?
unidentified
No, I don't know.
joe rogan
Do you get an expert to look at it?
mark normand
I don't know.
shane gillis
My liver's all right.
joe rogan
I can imagine if an expert looked at Shane's liver, they'd call up other experts.
Like, you've got to come and see me.
mark normand
That would be fun.
joe rogan
This thing is like the Hulk's dick.
shane gillis
Something happened.
joe rogan
It's the most powerful liver we've ever encountered, ever.
We'll see.
We'll see.
It's like five times normal liver levels.
ari shaffir
Back to the future of everything.
Remember that liver we've been talking about?
Watch this.
joe rogan
Imagine if that's what we found out.
You have this superior...
You know how Lance Armstrong has a big heart?
He has a really large heart.
He's a sweetie.
But he has an unusually large heart, which aids in his cardio.
unidentified
I didn't know that.
joe rogan
The question is, is that nature a nurture?
Or is it from all the hard work of doing hard cardio his whole life?
And also...
ari shaffir
Some help.
joe rogan
Some help.
There was some stuff going on.
Some other things that might make your heart grow a little larger.
I don't want to trash him.
shane gillis
I don't want to trash him.
He seems kind of like the man.
joe rogan
He's the man.
shane gillis
The audacity to put out that Nike commercial where he's like, what am I on?
I'm on my bike busting my ass.
What are you on?
What are you on?
mark normand
He was on steroids.
ari shaffir
Wow.
mark normand
I didn't know that commercial.
shane gillis
He put out a commercial like, suck my dick.
ari shaffir
He sued and won for libel for the newspaper article going.
mark normand
Did he really?
ari shaffir
Yeah, and he won.
mark normand
Good for him.
ari shaffir
Hey, can we get that money back?
shane gillis
Dude, he rules.
mark normand
He made a lot of money on those bands.
Everybody in their hand.
joe rogan
It's one of those weird ones where if he was the only one that was on the drugs.
They were all doing it.
ari shaffir
They had to give the title to the 17th racer.
joe rogan
We are such children.
We're such children.
We want extreme athletic performance, but we don't want to know that they're doing it with pharmaceutical help.
We're fucking children.
They say that the Tour de France is healthier for you if you're on those drugs.
They sell the Tour de France, it's so bad.
mark normand
It's so hard on your body.
joe rogan
You have to be a crazy savage.
shane gillis
Also, it's not fighting.
Fighting makes sense, because then you're putting the other guy at risk.
You're cheating, you're getting fucking roided out.
joe rogan
But you're kind of putting the other guy at risk with this, because if they do have complications from that stuff, and if it's mandatory to compete.
So if you have a league and you don't check illegal drug use, this is the problem.
Then you're subject to liability.
And in fact, Mark Hunt is suing the UFC. I remember that.
Because Brock Lesnar tested positive after his fight.
ari shaffir
And they said, like, you put me in harm's way.
You knew ahead of time.
joe rogan
I don't know if there's any merit to that case.
I mean, he would have to prove that they knew it.
That they knew that Brock Lesnar was doing steroids.
And I don't think they would ever...
How would they know?
They're not in his camp.
Unless Brock Lesnar's calling him up.
Hey, guys.
unidentified
Just so you know.
mark normand
He's like a cartoon.
joe rogan
I used to have a joke about Brock Lesnar.
I'm not afraid that Brock Lesnar would fuck me.
I'm afraid he would use me as a condom to fuck something way bigger.
He's so big.
He's a fucking enormous human, man.
mark normand
The flat top, the sword on the chest.
joe rogan
And he was an elite wrestler in college.
Elite.
Like, he's an elite wrestler.
shane gillis
That's sword on the chest.
joe rogan
He's a beast of a man.
shane gillis
That should be a tattoo you walk up to someone and like, that's fucking, you look like a dumbass.
mark normand
Yeah, that was one of the worst tattoos of all time.
shane gillis
And everyone's like, dude, that's so cool.
joe rogan
Nobody wanted to say shit.
ari shaffir
You know what he should do?
joe rogan
He should go to some dude who's like really good and get like a fucking Conan sword put in there.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
Like, take that bullshit sword.
Because think about all those, like, super elite tattoo artists out there.
Yeah.
You know?
shane gillis
They could fix that up.
joe rogan
Fuck yeah, they could fix that up.
shane gillis
They're tattoos.
joe rogan
You know?
shane gillis
I would, obviously, Brock Lesnar is cool.
ari shaffir
You know, I love that guy.
joe rogan
I like the shit on his back.
I like the demons on his back with the hooks.
unidentified
Whoa.
mark normand
Look at the hooks.
unidentified
The hooks?
ari shaffir
I think it works out.
joe rogan
Bro, let me tell you something.
unidentified
Kill them all.
joe rogan
That guy was such a freak.
That guy won the UFC heavyweight championship.
I think it was his fourth fight.
mark normand
It's like an action figure.
joe rogan
It's an action figure.
ari shaffir
That guy hits Jimmy Johns all the time.
joe rogan
That's like some 3D bullshit, but that's really what he looks like.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Have you met him?
Fuck yeah.
I've called a bunch of his fights.
mark normand
Oh my god.
joe rogan
He's a good guy.
He's a real good guy.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
Yeah, but let me tell you something, man.
That motherfucker...
mark normand
Wouldn't you like to see him bang a lady?
joe rogan
That guy took the craziest chance that anybody ever took.
mark normand
Let's hear it.
joe rogan
He was a WWE superstar making millions of dollars, throwing people around, being the fucking man, and he decided, I want to fight in the UFC. Do you know the balls that takes?
ari shaffir
And to do it.
joe rogan
His second fight in MMA, I believe, was...
Who was his second fight in MMA? The guy he tapped on.
Was it Frank Mir?
ari shaffir
Frank Mir.
joe rogan
Was that his second fight in MMA? Was that his first fight in the UFC, or did he have one other fight?
ari shaffir
That was his first fight in the UFC, if I remember.
I'm guessing yes.
joe rogan
Okay, so that's his first fight in the UFC was with Frank Mir.
So I was there for Min Nu So, or Min Soo Kim, rather, which was in Dynamite.
I was there.
I was in the audience.
Eddie Bravo and I went to see that.
That's the night where Hoist Gracie fought, too.
They had it outside at the Coliseum.
And so he fights Frank Mir.
Frank Mir is the fucking former UFC heavyweight champion.
And this is his first fight.
You know how crazy that is?
ari shaffir
First fight in the UFC. Didn't he tap to something he didn't have to?
joe rogan
No, no, no.
He had a tap.
He got caught in a knee bar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ari shaffir
I thought it was just like he had never seen it before.
joe rogan
So then he dominates Heath Herring, who is one of the toughest guys to ever fight in MMA period.
Heath Herring was a fucking animal.
ari shaffir
Tackled him.
joe rogan
And just ran him over.
And you got to see like what a freak athlete Brock Lesnar is.
Then he beats Randy fucking Couture in his fourth professional fight.
And then he beats the fuck out of Frank Mir in the rematch.
And then he comes and it was ruthless.
No, no, no.
You have to watch that one.
shane gillis
Make Joe bong a beer.
Joe, bong a beer real quick.
joe rogan
Dude, you need to watch that one.
If you watch that one, he just beats his face to a bloody pulp.
mark normand
Pull it up!
joe rogan
It's a rough one.
mark normand
I prefer no pulp.
joe rogan
It's a rough one.
Look at him.
Doesn't seem friendly.
It was a terrible scene.
ari shaffir
The blood already on the ground.
shane gillis
I love a UFC. Sucks to get knocked out in Echo shorts.
mark normand
Right.
joe rogan
So he's going for the knee bar again, but this time Brock knows the defense.
mark normand
Great head of hair on Mir.
joe rogan
Oh yeah, handsome fuck.
mark normand
Really?
Good looking guy.
joe rogan
And by the way, when he was young, one of the most fucking gifted fighters I've ever seen in my life.
unidentified
Really?
joe rogan
He has more submissions where he has arm breaks than anybody I've ever even heard of.
Two fights in the UFC against world champions, and he broke their arms.
mark normand
Wow!
joe rogan
Yeah.
mark normand
Hottest fighter, Carlos Condit.
joe rogan
He's a very hot guy.
mark normand
Best looking.
joe rogan
Very good.
Well, Alan Joban.
mark normand
I don't know him.
joe rogan
Alan Joban, pretty fucking good looking.
shane gillis
Ryan Garcia?
joe rogan
Legitimate model.
Ryan Garcia's a handsome fellow.
shane gillis
Ryan Garcia's a strong morsel.
joe rogan
Ruke Rockhold?
mark normand
He's a hunk.
shane gillis
Ruke Rockhold's a hunk, dude.
joe rogan
I famously said the only reason anybody gets laid is because Ruke Rockhold didn't show up first.
mark normand
There you go.
shane gillis
How about his fight, dude?
mark normand
That was amazing.
shane gillis
That was fucking crazy.
mark normand
That was amazing.
The blood shit.
shane gillis
That was amazing.
joe rogan
How about when he rubbed the blood all over his face?
Dude, for him to come back like that and fight Paolo Costa, if Paolo Costa fit in his shape, he's hot too.
mark normand
He's built like an action figure.
joe rogan
Both those guys, that was like best body, best looks.
shane gillis
Two hot guys.
unidentified
Two of the hottest guys ever.
joe rogan
How many girls finger blasted themselves to that?
mark normand
Guilty.
I wonder if women do jerk off to this.
joe rogan
If I was a girl and I was alone and I was at home and these two fucking animals would beat each other, fuck yeah.
mark normand
Where are women jerking off to?
ari shaffir
What else would you be waiting for?
joe rogan
Come get this pussy after you're done.
Who's the conqueror?
Who's gonna take me?
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
Is that how you would do it?
joe rogan
Yeah, if I was a girl.
That's my personality in a girl's body.
If I was a girl, that's what I would be.
shane gillis
How do you whack off as a guy?
joe rogan
Just regularly.
unidentified
I'm going to conquer you.
joe rogan
No, I hold it in for a few days.
I try not to jerk off more than twice a week.
mark normand
What?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
mark normand
What?
joe rogan
Because then I appreciate it.
shane gillis
I don't think that's that.
mark normand
Twice a week?
I'm a two-a-dayer.
joe rogan
What?
ari shaffir
Yeah, especially on the road.
shane gillis
On the road, it's hard.
joe rogan
On the road, it's great.
It's a great stress reliever before a show.
It's honestly been shown to be that for performers, that performers can jerk off before a show.
It alleviates a certain level of anxiety.
unidentified
Don't you get tired, though?
ari shaffir
Don't you get lackadaisical on stage?
joe rogan
I don't.
No, but you know what?
You gotta warm your body up.
unidentified
Yeah!
joe rogan
You know, one of the things that I always do is I pace around.
I get moving.
unidentified
Same.
joe rogan
I breathe a lot.
Like, I feel like if you just sit down and then get up and go on stage, you're not ready to, like, totally perform.
mark normand
Agreed.
shane gillis
I always take fucking...
I keep saying I'm gonna stop doing it, and I take a nap before the fucking show.
mark normand
Big mistake.
You're all foggy.
unidentified
It's crazy.
shane gillis
And then you wake up and you get there, and you're like, fuck this.
joe rogan
Number one mistake.
Spaghetti.
shane gillis
Don't do it.
joe rogan
Don't do it.
Spaghetti and meatballs before a fucking show, you're done.
unidentified
Who did that?
joe rogan
It's me!
Me, I'm a guinea.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Bro, when I used to eat pasta all the time, I'm a gorger.
I would eat a giant plate of lasagna, and you'd just feel like I'd hit with a tranquilizer dart.
ari shaffir
You guys don't want to do this.
mark normand
And when you're a broke comic, you get that free meal at the club.
ari shaffir
You can't stop eating it.
shane gillis
Sit down.
Buffalo chicken bites.
unidentified
Yes.
shane gillis
Three Bud Lights.
Go on stage.
joe rogan
I used to book shows.
ari shaffir
Maybe I'll sit down for this one.
joe rogan
I used to book shows at Dangerfields just so I could get a free cheeseburger.
mark normand
Yes.
joe rogan
They had killer cheeseburgers at Dangerfields.
shane gillis
That club was fucking perfect.
mark normand
That was a cool club.
Good looking room.
joe rogan
The place is the best.
shane gillis
I got there at the end, and that was one of the only clubs that would book me at first when I moved to New York.
unidentified
Me too.
shane gillis
I would go there, and it would just be me and...
Three fucking dudes I'd never heard of.
mark normand
Super old guys.
shane gillis
Old fucking dudes.
unidentified
Weird guys that only worked there.
shane gillis
And then you get in there, and there's four people in the room.
mark normand
Oh yeah.
joe rogan
Four people, total.
mark normand
And the piano takes up 98% of the stage.
shane gillis
And it was still smoky.
Dude, it was nuts.
joe rogan
It was so weird.
Dangerfields was so weird.
It's like, this shouldn't even be here.
shane gillis
That room was perfect, though.
unidentified
Time capsule.
shane gillis
It was a cool room.
joe rogan
I used to do prom shows there.
Did you ever do prom shows?
mark normand
No, I did those at Caroline's.
joe rogan
Prom shows are madness.
This is how it works.
The show starts at like 4 p.m., okay?
And you have shows all night long.
You get out of there at like 4 a.m.
They just keep pumping kids in there, and they don't tell anybody to leave.
So they tell you, they want you to do your same set over and over again so the kids get bored and they leave.
But the kids get on stage.
I watch a kid go on stage and take the mic from a comic and blow cigar smoke.
Some big football player fuck.
Some big 17 year old kid from Long Island.
The guy's out there with a cigar and takes the fucking microphone from the comic.
mark normand
It's chaos.
shane gillis
Hilarious.
mark normand
The key is to just call one kid a virgin and it would murder.
That was my ace up my sleeve.
shane gillis
Just destroy that kid's life.
unidentified
He is!
mark normand
He's a school shooter.
shane gillis
I'm trying to do well for ten minutes.
I'm going to ruin your fucking high school.
ari shaffir
Oh my god.
joe rogan
They were little fucking animals.
ari shaffir
They had those teen tour ones at the improv where it was like summertime.
They'd be on a teen tour and they'd be like, hey, just so you know, it's a teen tour.
unidentified
They didn't tell me that until I got there.
joe rogan
I was in the room.
ari shaffir
14, 15 year olds.
joe rogan
And I go, I'm not going to change my act.
I go, if you want these kids to go to a nightclub, I'm not going to change my act.
I'm not going to change my act.
mark normand
And they want it dirty.
ari shaffir
Yeah, I got extra dirty.
They love sex jokes.
But if you want a weird sex move, they'd be like, I don't understand this.
joe rogan
That's so irresponsible, though.
The parents, do they know?
ari shaffir
I don't know what we're saying.
joe rogan
Did you take him to the comedy store?
The comedy store did it, but the improv did it.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
That must have been so fun as a kid, though.
joe rogan
Oh my god, I'd be the best.
shane gillis
I know, our prom sucked compared to that.
I mean, we just got blacked out.
mark normand
Same.
shane gillis
It would have been fun to get fucked up and go to a comedy show.
Imagine being in high school and seeing a comedy show.
joe rogan
What was the best thing that ever happened in high school?
You go to the museum.
shane gillis
Go to the woods.
mark normand
Right, a field trip.
shane gillis
Go to the woods.
Get fucked up in the woods.
That shit ruled.
joe rogan
Yeah, but that was not in school.
shane gillis
Oh, oh, yeah.
joe rogan
I mean, they took them there for school.
It's like a part of this school project.
ari shaffir
Field trip, yeah.
mark normand
We got a party bus.
Remember those?
ari shaffir
Ooh, nice.
mark normand
Those were fun.
I got blown on the bus.
It was a big highlight of my life.
ari shaffir
What?
shane gillis
In high school you got blown on the bus?
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
That's fucking nice.
mark normand
I brought a date.
ari shaffir
Was everybody there?
mark normand
He was a good guy.
No, you guys didn't do party buses?
Did you get shit houses?
joe rogan
In high school, you guys get drunk on a bus?
mark normand
It was fun.
Everybody was getting blown.
Jerked off.
It was good times.
shane gillis
Yeah, we used to do group jerk-offs and blows and fingers.
We did all this stuff.
ari shaffir
Spanish sword fight?
mark normand
Yes.
Did you guys jerk off with your friends?
ari shaffir
Oh yeah.
Sleepaway camp.
unidentified
What?
shane gillis
Never.
mark normand
That's a bonding experience.
joe rogan
It was never even brought up in conversation.
mark normand
Oh, see, that's the 70s.
ari shaffir
You had to tell everybody, like, it's great.
mark normand
Those were different times.
joe rogan
They were different times.
mark normand
We bottled everything.
unidentified
And Boston.
joe rogan
Yeah, when did people start jerking each other off?
ari shaffir
Jerk each other off.
mark normand
No, not each other.
joe rogan
Come on, you can tell me why.
mark normand
You got a corner of the room, you know?
shane gillis
Yeah, yeah.
ari shaffir
I'll take your side.
joe rogan
Do you look at each other eye to eye or never?
mark normand
It'll happen.
It'll happen.
shane gillis
I got a story about it.
It's kind of long.
mark normand
Oh, hit me, baby.
shane gillis
All right.
So every year, me and my friends would go out to Notre Dame.
My dad would take us to the Notre Dame spring game.
But my dad, he drinks a little bit, so he would occasionally get drunk and invite a guy from the Knights of Columbus to be like, you want to come to Notre Dame with me and my friends?
But for real, we would rent a van and me and like 10 of my friends.
So there's 10 of us.
We're all in seventh grade.
And then my dad and like three other guys that are drunk dudes.
So they take us to Notre Dame.
Anyway, long story, we get in a hotel room.
We're whacking off.
mark normand
Sure.
shane gillis
But before we whack off, one of the guys my dad invited, he's this like old fucking dude, blacked out at the bar and they had to take him home.
mark normand
Oh god.
shane gillis
So they take him home, throw him on the bed in one of the rooms we have, and then they go back to the bar.
Then me and my friends are like...
Let's fuck with this guy a little bit so we're slapping him, screaming in his face, shit like that.
He's not waking up.
He's not waking up.
Dude, we set an alarm clock next to his head and set it for a minute later and turned the lights off.
Everybody hid.
It's one of my happiest memories.
mark normand
That's great.
I thought you were going to say you jerked off one.
shane gillis
But then...
No, we didn't jerk off on him.
mark normand
Okay.
shane gillis
But we jerked off.
Everybody whacked off while he was asleep.
This guy was passed out laying in bed.
joe rogan
When you say everybody, how many kids?
shane gillis
Eight dudes.
Eight seventh graders.
This guy missed out.
ari shaffir
What, like, all around him, like a fucking seance?
unidentified
Like a seance?
It was.
shane gillis
It was.
Dude, he was asleep, a dude was next to him in the bed, and his body was shaking from the outside.
mark normand
Oh no!
Was it hard to get off with that old guy there?
shane gillis
I did.
mark normand
It was seventh grade.
shane gillis
But then everybody comes.
unidentified
Some people might have faked it.
shane gillis
We get done.
The room, by the way, the room stinks.
Just BO and jizz from 7th graders.
unidentified
It's all that Capri Sun and Cheeto jizz.
shane gillis
And then my buddy goes, alright, so as soon as we got done coming, everyone's like, alright, let's keep fucking with this old guy.
unidentified
Dude, my buddy shoved his hand in his ass.
What?
So he pulled his pants down.
shane gillis
It was just a crease.
It wasn't in the hole.
It was a crease.
mark normand
I get that.
shane gillis
He gave him a fucking credit card swipe.
But that's what woke him up.
He was like, oh shit.
mark normand
It's better than smelling salts.
The ass puncture.
unidentified
He woke up and he was like, you kids got fucking problems.
What the fuck?
mark normand
I was awake the whole time.
I saw everything.
shane gillis
If he woke up like...
mark normand
Oh my god.
shane gillis
But he kicked us out and then locked the door.
He was blacked out.
He was shitfaced.
And then he went back to sleep, but his pants were still down at his ankles.
Porn's still on the TV. We go down to the front desk.
We're in Mishawaka, Indiana.
We go down to the front desk and ask the dude, like, can you let us back in?
Our uncle locked us out.
And he was like, alright.
There's nine boys.
There's seven boys.
Like, can you let us back in?
So he's like, alright.
So he lets us in, opens the door, the smell.
He's like...
And then he opens the door and there's an old man with his pants down asleep.
unidentified
And he's like, uh, alright, yeah, go ahead.
shane gillis
He let us back in, yeah.
mark normand
Wow.
joe rogan
Oh my god, what a night.
Did you guys have the same story?
Like, you ever talk in the future?
Like, hey, if this comes up...
shane gillis
Maybe we don't say it on the world's largest platform.
joe rogan
We didn't jerk off in front of each other.
ari shaffir
Shane, you're going to find an opportunity.
One of us is going to find an opportunity to get this word out there.
joe rogan
The B.O. and jizz smell.
shane gillis
I can smell it.
joe rogan
I can smell it.
mark normand
This is pre-internet.
You had to make your own fun.
That was fun stuff.
shane gillis
Dude, whacking off together was great.
mark normand
It was great!
I still have fond memories.
I remember I made a kid taste it.
I was like, I dare you to taste it.
And he tasted his jizz.
We still call him Jizzy.
joe rogan
Oh my god, Jizzy.
I got Jizzy forever, right?
mark normand
Jizzy Gillespie.
shane gillis
I mean, if you sip cum, you're fucking...
mark normand
He didn't sip it, he just did one of these.
ari shaffir
He tasted yours.
Taste your own.
mark normand
He tasted his own.
ari shaffir
But then he's like, let me make sure it's not...
shane gillis
I thought he tasted your juice.
joe rogan
That's what I thought, too.
That's what I thought, too.
mark normand
No, no, no.
shane gillis
Have you tasted his own?
ari shaffir
I've tasted my own.
shane gillis
I'm sure you have.
ari shaffir
You have, too.
shane gillis
I have never.
ari shaffir
Shut up.
mark normand
Well, with that mustache.
unidentified
I just leave it there for later.
mark normand
What is the stache?
ari shaffir
I shaved my beard and then left it.
joe rogan
I like it.
mark normand
It looks good.
It's a solid stache.
joe rogan
It looks good on you.
ari shaffir
It came in full.
I didn't have to grow it in.
mark normand
Pull up a picture of Richard Petty.
I'm telling you.
shane gillis
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
Ari had a Hitler mustache for a little bit.
mark normand
Oh, that's fun.
ari shaffir
I lost a bet.
I had to do it for a week in Myanmar.
Hitler mustache.
mark normand
In Myanmar?
ari shaffir
In Myanmar, too.
Somebody's team won the Super Bowl.
Like, not mine.
The bet was pay it off.
joe rogan
You say in another country you had to do it?
unidentified
It was great.
ari shaffir
They didn't even know what the fuck Hitler was.
It's the perfect place to do it.
mark normand
Look at that.
Come on.
That's better than his.
You got a fucking broom up there.
joe rogan
It's a solid mustache, Ari.
It's impressive.
shane gillis
Yeah, you look good.
joe rogan
It looks good.
Look at that!
mark normand
That's quite a click broom.
There it is!
unidentified
There it is!
mark normand
Come on!
joe rogan
His is much fuller.
Ari's is much more impressive.
mark normand
Way more fuller.
You got a Nietzsche.
joe rogan
That's the thing about mustaches.
If I can see your lips through the mustache, I think you're a creep.
shane gillis
Hey!
joe rogan
Sorry.
mark normand
You got an Asian.
joe rogan
It's like, that's a mustache.
mark normand
That's a stache.
joe rogan
The other thing is an attempt.
mark normand
That's a young Ari.
joe rogan
When I can see too much face through the mustache, I get concerned.
shane gillis
What are you doing?
unidentified
Nothing.
shane gillis
Why are you doing this stuff?
Why are you doing that stuff?
ari shaffir
It's not about you.
shane gillis
We're having a good time.
Now all of a sudden there's personal attacks.
mark normand
It's a little wispy.
joe rogan
I think it looks good on you.
shane gillis
Thank you, Joe.
joe rogan
I knew.
shane gillis
Thank you.
A lot of guys couldn't pull it off.
joe rogan
I tried to do the goatee once.
mark normand
Ah, boy.
joe rogan
For one day, I shaved it in my own house and never even went out with it.
I had a full beard, and then I said, let me just see what it looks like, I'll walk around the house.
mark normand
Every guy has done that.
You do all the styles.
shane gillis
If I could grow a beard, I'd have a beard.
mark normand
Oh, you can't grow one?
ari shaffir
No.
mark normand
Is that Irish?
ari shaffir
I don't know what the fuck it is.
joe rogan
I can grow one that goes all the way up to my fucking cheeks.
mark normand
Yeah, same.
Sicilian?
joe rogan
It's like, yeah.
As I get older, I keep getting hairier.
It's like, my ears are hairy now.
mark normand
Yeah, that happens.
shane gillis
It's the worst.
The geezers with the fucking...
joe rogan
They pop around my ears.
I have to shave the outside of my ears.
mark normand
Yeah, me too.
ari shaffir
Can you transplant your ear hair to the top of your head?
joe rogan
And my eyebrow hairs are longer than they've ever been before.
ari shaffir
Get those follicles up there.
joe rogan
My eyebrow hairs are oddly long.
ari shaffir
Yeah, one or two grow long, right?
mark normand
Right.
joe rogan
They're long.
shane gillis
It's weird.
I let them go.
joe rogan
Do you?
shane gillis
I let them, yeah.
joe rogan
Some people trim them.
I feel like that's too much work.
ari shaffir
Gotta make a wish on the long ones.
mark normand
I fold it up, then I hit it with the razor, with the electric.
shane gillis
Really?
I let them go.
Fuck it.
mark normand
Every barber I go to is like, you want to do your eyebrows?
I'm like, no.
joe rogan
Yeah, I say no.
mark normand
You should.
joe rogan
You should do your vanilla ice.
mark normand
What does he do?
joe rogan
You know, with the little shave marks.
ari shaffir
Yeah, tattooed them underneath.
shane gillis
Wait, Vanilla Ice was the first?
No, he couldn't have been the first.
ari shaffir
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
Well, he was very popular for doing it at a time where I think a lot of people were doing it.
He was probably the first white.
ari shaffir
He was probably the first white.
unidentified
Yeah.
ari shaffir
He brought it to the world.
joe rogan
Yeah, he had stuff shaved in the side of his head.
I remember that.
That was cool.
They started doing that.
mark normand
That was tough.
Tough times.
joe rogan
The eyebrow thing is a weird move, right?
The little swipes on the eyebrow.
shane gillis
Yeah, that's pretty sick.
joe rogan
I don't even need my whole eyebrow.
ari shaffir
Where does that grow back to?
unidentified
That's pretty sick.
mark normand
That's a funny way to think about it.
joe rogan
There it is.
unidentified
Whoa!
shane gillis
That's a look.
joe rogan
That looks good.
mark normand
Ah, but he's like Armenian or something.
shane gillis
What does that mean?
joe rogan
Turkish?
mark normand
Yeah, if you're too honky.
joe rogan
I like what she's doing there.
shane gillis
That's an Asian boy.
mark normand
That's a hot boy.
joe rogan
I like what he's doing there.
shane gillis
It's one of the K-pop boys.
joe rogan
I like what they are doing there.
Is that really a boy?
ari shaffir
That's a they.
joe rogan
Don't bullshit me.
shane gillis
What the fuck is happening here?
joe rogan
What is this lady up to?
ari shaffir
Oh my god.
mark normand
I'm into it.
joe rogan
This is trickery.
mark normand
Oh, is that a boy too?
joe rogan
I can't tell anymore.
The lines are blurred.
What are they doing?
ari shaffir
Have you ever seen those Asian makeup removal videos?
joe rogan
So here's Vanilla Ice.
Yeah, look at that.
shane gillis
Vanilla Ice is a fucking man.
joe rogan
That's like 40% alopecia.
That's what he's doing.
He's showing 40% alopecia.
He's like, if I had alopecia, I'd still be hot as fuck.
ari shaffir
His wife punched Tony Rook.
joe rogan
Was he the first person to make Kissy Face?
ari shaffir
Ooh, duck face.
mark normand
Look at him.
joe rogan
Look at him duck facing.
Was it all from Vanilla Ice?
Did we forget?
shane gillis
Marilyn Monroe.
joe rogan
But did she do it like that, like this?
shane gillis
No.
ari shaffir
I don't know.
joe rogan
Was Vanilla Ice the first kissy face?
ari shaffir
He's fucking pouty.
mark normand
He's pouty.
joe rogan
He does a- Oh, every picture.
ari shaffir
He had his post out.
mark normand
He's a handsome dude.
shane gillis
It's funny, too, that he was just trying to be like, this is what black eyes look like.
mark normand
That's what I was thinking.
You gotta get the lips up.
joe rogan
Did you ever see that there was a photographic book with Madonna and Madonna and him are in a lot of these photos.
Really wild looking photos.
mark normand
I'm sure they fucked.
joe rogan
Where Madonna was like, She's a wild lady.
shane gillis
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
You see her lately?
shane gillis
You see her lately?
joe rogan
She looks nuts.
mark normand
Pull her up.
ari shaffir
It's not her best.
shane gillis
She looks nuts.
mark normand
Still got a body.
shane gillis
No, she's a dude.
joe rogan
Enjoy it.
She's hanging on as long as she can, and she's doing as good as a 65-year-old woman has ever done.
ari shaffir
She's aging so gracefully.
joe rogan
How old is she now?
shane gillis
She's got to be 81. Regular 65-year-olds are beating her now.
Have you seen her lately?
mark normand
No.
ari shaffir
She's pulling her up out there.
shane gillis
I'm not saying she's not nice.
joe rogan
She seems to be doing things.
mark normand
Uh-oh.
shane gillis
She put out a video.
She looked like wet.
ari shaffir
She made a deal with the sample.
joe rogan
Doing things to enhance her appearance.
ari shaffir
Let's see it.
joe rogan
I remember one time I was really, really, really high, and I was in the green room of, I think it was Brea, and we're watching TV and Comedy Central's on, and There's this video.
Joan Rivers had a television show with her daughter.
I remember being super high and watching Joan Rivers on TV going, holy shit.
The filler stuff?
shane gillis
Wait, what?
joe rogan
She looks hot as fuck.
ari shaffir
That's Madonna on the left?
joe rogan
That's what she looks like!
Shut up!
I'm not listening.
shane gillis
She's truly better looking than me.
ari shaffir
She actually looks great.
shane gillis
She looks hot as fuck.
mark normand
She looks great.
joe rogan
She looks hot as fuck.
This is ridiculous.
Okay, even if she looks 50% as good as- Find the wet video.
unidentified
Hold on.
joe rogan
Look at that picture with her and Jimmy Fallon.
Click on that one.
Click on that one.
That's gotta be what she looks like.
unidentified
Oh, yeah.
mark normand
Well, you can see there's a lot of work.
joe rogan
Bro, she doesn't look good.
I mean, she doesn't look bad at all.
shane gillis
Yeah, I take that back.
She doesn't look bad at all.
joe rogan
She looks hot.
mark normand
For 65, but no one competes with J-Lo.
joe rogan
I believe she's 60. I take it back.
That's another 10, 15 years, though, dude.
mark normand
Yeah, I guess you're right.
joe rogan
She looks hot as fuck.
shane gillis
Yeah, she looks pretty good.
ari shaffir
I thought she was crazy.
shane gillis
For the record, take it back.
joe rogan
I think it's weird photos she takes.
mark normand
Takes a big man.
joe rogan
She takes a lot of weird photos.
ari shaffir
Super heavy makeup.
joe rogan
You know, she's doing the sexy thing.
shane gillis
Jamie, you fucked me.
64. You fucked me, Jamie.
joe rogan
Show the crazy ones.
It's true, though.
She's doing the sexy thing while she's older, and some people have a problem with that.
ari shaffir
Yeah, it's gross.
joe rogan
But why?
Who gives a fuck?
That's what she likes.
It's like a baseball player.
No more baseball.
But I still like it.
That's what they do.
She was sexy for her whole life.
Why should she stop now?
That's as hot as you can get at 64. That's true.
shane gillis
My dad's like 65. He should start.
Imagine!
ari shaffir
Just like Madonna.
joe rogan
Imagine if your dad brought her home.
You'd be like, fuck yeah, dad.
unidentified
Nice pull.
mark normand
Good point.
joe rogan
Nice, dad.
shane gillis
We'd have a group wacko.
joe rogan
If that was your dad's new girlfriend, you know how fucking pumped you would be if it wasn't Madonna?
God, I hate my mom.
shane gillis
So fucking ugly, dude.
mark normand
Really?
ari shaffir
What a great stepmom for her.
mark normand
Pull her up!
Let's see her.
shane gillis
Dad, how come you're on fucking Madonna right now?
mark normand
I think you want an ugly mom, though.
My mom's no prize either, and that's good.
unidentified
They're better cooks.
shane gillis
No, my mom's not ugly.
mark normand
That's not what I've seen.
But I've never seen your mom.
joe rogan
Put the sunglasses back on.
mark normand
Alright.
shane gillis
What's wrong with you, dude?
joe rogan
He's talking about his mom!
mark normand
I'm sorry, I assume your mom is not a hot lady.
shane gillis
Why?
mark normand
Well...
Because of me?
What the fuck?
Mechanicsburg, you...
shane gillis
I don't know.
mark normand
I'm not knocking her, but...
shane gillis
You clearly are.
mark normand
We lost Ari already.
joe rogan
Ari's gotta pee.
mark normand
Ari's mom's gotta be hideous.
unidentified
Going to the bathroom, right?
joe rogan
Bathroom.
Thank you.
mark normand
Alright.
shane gillis
No, it was unfortunate, because my mom just...
It was funny.
My mom in the group...
My family group text sent a picture from her 50th.
She looked hot.
mark normand
Oh, can we see?
shane gillis
Not hot, but she looked pretty.
That's why she sent it.
I looked like a fucking blimp.
It was right after I quit football and was just dying.
mark normand
Yeah.
I was fat, too.
shane gillis
I was like, delete these.
What are you doing?
mark normand
In my college years.
Plus, it's all booze.
You're just a puffy dweeb.
shane gillis
I quit football and still was eating like I was playing football.
joe rogan
Oh, that's common.
shane gillis
And then drinking.
Dude, I was 320 pounds.
unidentified
Whoa!
joe rogan
Yeah, I was a fat kid.
shane gillis
And my mom looks pretty in it.
I was like, come on, mom.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
Knock it off.
mark normand
Don't outshine me.
joe rogan
Imagine if you release a Netflix special, okay?
And then Netflix has, like, a big party.
And Madonna shows up.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
And your dad's there.
Madonna and your dad start chatting.
And you're like, oh my god.
And you realize your dad's about to fuck Madonna.
mark normand
That's amazing.
shane gillis
I mean, I would let my dad die.
To do that.
Like, if I knew...
mark normand
I would love to see your dad talk to her, like, hey, do you like the Eagles?
joe rogan
If you're a 65-year-old man and that's your wife, you're fucking pumped.
mark normand
Of course!
Is she single?
joe rogan
Just dim the lights a little.
mark normand
She looks great!
unidentified
She looks great!
shane gillis
Yeah.
mark normand
I've always had a thing for her.
She just oozes six.
joe rogan
You want to know what's hilarious?
When I was in high school, I was 17, I had a giant crush on her.
Then I found out she was 26. I was like, oh my god, she's so old.
mark normand
That's funny.
shane gillis
That's hilarious.
ari shaffir
Madonna look up dress.
That's how she actually looks.
joe rogan
Which one?
The one in the black dress with the sunglasses?
ari shaffir
That's her without getting ready.
joe rogan
Without any filters.
ari shaffir
That's a monster.
mark normand
No!
shane gillis
Ari, you're 48, dude.
mark normand
You look like shit.
ari shaffir
I look a billion times better than that.
mark normand
Wow.
ari shaffir
She made a deal with the devil and it all fell apart all at once.
mark normand
She fucked Prince.
ari shaffir
Damn, Yankees.
joe rogan
There is a thing.
shane gillis
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
mark normand
And Tupac.
ari shaffir
Rodman?
shane gillis
And Tupac.
joe rogan
There's a thing that's weird about a really attractive older woman that tries too hard and has a bunch of plastic surgery and then you become kind of like almost a monster.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
unidentified
You're describing a few comedians.
mark normand
Yikes.
joe rogan
She is Italian.
mark normand
What is that supposed to be?
joe rogan
A lot of those ladies hang in there.
shane gillis
Yeah, I guess Madonna is Italian.
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, big whop.
mark normand
So is Gaga.
She's a huge guinea.
shane gillis
I meant the name.
ari shaffir
No, Gaga's Jewish.
mark normand
No!
Big Dago.
ari shaffir
You sure?
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
ari shaffir
I thought she was Jewish.
mark normand
Pull her up.
joe rogan
What is Lady Gaga's real name?
mark normand
Her real name is like Guga Nanana Lasagna or something crazy.
Look at that, Germanotta.
ari shaffir
I'm way wrong.
mark normand
Stefani Germanotta.
joe rogan
You tried to claim him as one of yours.
See what he did there?
mark normand
You wish.
ari shaffir
I saw it.
She's on an old episode of a hidden camera show before Gaga.
joe rogan
He's so ethnocentric.
shane gillis
That's all he talks about.
joe rogan
He tried to claim it as his own people.
mark normand
Stick with Barbra Streisand, you heeb.
joe rogan
He dances around his house, he tucks, and he plays My Poker Face.
unidentified
It's good music!
joe rogan
Dance around, just tucking.
mark normand
She's a talent.
joe rogan
She's very talented.
mark normand
Yeah, she looked good.
shane gillis
How's Gucci?
mark normand
No, I didn't see that one.
shane gillis
I saw it.
It was pretty good.
I like anything Ridley Scott does.
Ridley Scott fucking rules.
mark normand
He's great.
joe rogan
He makes some great shit, man.
Did he die?
unidentified
Alien.
joe rogan
No, he's still alive.
mark normand
One of them died.
joe rogan
I don't think Ridley Scott.
Maybe I'm wrong.
shane gillis
No, Ridley Scott's still alive.
mark normand
There's two of them.
There's Ridley and...
ari shaffir
Dennis Scott for the magic?
mark normand
No, there's two Scots.
Ridley Scott and...
Ah, one of them died.
joe rogan
Ridley Scott.
shane gillis
He rules.
joe rogan
The first Alien movie.
I watched that again.
mark normand
So good.
joe rogan
God damn it's good.
mark normand
You know why?
joe rogan
It's such a good movie.
ari shaffir
Nowhere to go.
mark normand
It hit pace.
It hit good pace.
His brother is Tony Scott.
joe rogan
Tony Scott.
mark normand
Did he die?
unidentified
Tony Scott!
mark normand
Thank you!
joe rogan
Did Tony Scott die?
mark normand
Yeah, he died in 2012. Thank you.
He directed Top Gun.
unidentified
Ten years ago.
What the hell are you talking about?
mark normand
You guys still didn't know.
shane gillis
Ridley Scott just made House of Gucci.
mark normand
What's that about?
Gucci?
shane gillis
Well, no.
I mean, we were talking about a movie that just came out.
mark normand
I see.
joe rogan
How was that?
shane gillis
It was fine.
I'm gay for a lot of those people that are in that.
mark normand
I like a good movie.
shane gillis
I like Adam Driver.
joe rogan
Did you see...
I love Adam Driver.
shane gillis
Yeah, he's awesome.
mark normand
He's great.
joe rogan
He's very good.
Does he?
mark normand
Loves comedy.
Came to a few shows.
joe rogan
Makes sense.
Fucking killer actor.
I was watching this one scene from some movie he played in about a dysfunctional relationship with him and the wife just screaming and yelling at each other.
mark normand
Marriage story.
Incredible.
Incredible.
Powerful.
joe rogan
It depressed me so much just watching the clip that I didn't want to watch the movie.
shane gillis
I don't think I want to watch it.
joe rogan
I don't need this in my life.
mark normand
It's heavy.
joe rogan
But his acting is insane.
mark normand
Insane.
ari shaffir
My favorite moment of his when he took off that fucking Vader mask.
Yeah, it's a stunning Semitic man.
Oh, I don't want to see this.
joe rogan
I've walked into rooms like that.
mark normand
We've all been there.
unidentified
It's too good.
mark normand
It's too accurate.
joe rogan
It's too accurate.
mark normand
We've all had that fight.
joe rogan
It's so good that it's like, I want bullshit.
Bullshit, man.
I want to see the best people that have ever lived.
I want to see them working their problems out amicably.
I'm not looking for that.
Don't show me what's next door.
I want to see what I've already lived through.
mark normand
Exactly.
joe rogan
I don't want to see that.
mark normand
Show me a movie about a guy coming out of his ass.
Now that's a Ridley Scott.
shane gillis
That'd be a good Ridley Scott.
joe rogan
The problem I have with movies like that is because that's an environment that you're living in for an hour and a half.
And whether or not you admit it, we're all affected by our environment.
And you're choosing to live in a fucking suicidal depressed environment for an hour and a half.
You can decide to do that if you want to do that, but you've got to understand what that is.
When you're sitting there in that thing and you're watching that film, and maybe it could be amazing and great, but you're absorbing the community of that thing that's being presented to you.
mark normand
That's art, baby!
joe rogan
Yeah, and if you're a person that's surrounded by people that are fucked, you're probably fucked.
That's the dirty secret of life.
shane gillis
That's why I cried during Guardians of the Galaxy.
I was surrounded by beautiful friendship, great music.
mark normand
Hear, hear.
shane gillis
I was on an airplane.
Just got a little teary, dude.
mark normand
Oh, you know what's going to be a fun movie?
In 20 years, I'll make a Hunter Biden movie.
joe rogan
How about four years?
What if a Republican becomes president?
That shit will 100%.
ari shaffir
Real rock and roll lifestyle movie.
It's like, dude, this guy got after it.
mark normand
I mean, they made one about Bush.
joe rogan
If Ron DeSantis becomes president, And then they get Quentin Tarantino to do a Hunter Biden movie.
Imagine if Quentin Tarantino decides that's his last movie.
He's gonna do a Hunter Biden movie.
Hunter Biden with a fucking briefcase filled with amphetamines.
Just wandering through the airport somewhere, telling everybody who his dad is.
Just doing wild shit with street hookers in Vietnam smoking crack.
shane gillis
On a board in Ukraine?
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
And he's like, we gotta get rid of Ukraine.
mark normand
We gotta fund this movie.
This'll be killer.
shane gillis
Hey, how about Ukraine?
How are they doing?
ari shaffir
How are they doing?
They keep fighting it, but I don't see them winning.
unidentified
We keep giving them money.
mark normand
Sorry.
They just made a Hunter Biden movie.
Did you see this trailer?
joe rogan
Oh, is this Daily Wired?
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
Wait, they made a Hunter Biden movie.
I know it's Daily Wired.
mark normand
Oh, they already made this?
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
That trailer seems kind of crazy.
unidentified
That's hilarious.
shane gillis
That guy looks like Biden, for sure.
unidentified
Where the hell are we?
joe rogan
They got a fat guy to play Biden.
They're on that cheap-ass Republican agency.
They can't get the real talent agents.
If you got a fat guy playing Biden...
mark normand
Yeah, that's not good.
joe rogan
They're not getting the best...
Because standard Hollywood is not going to work with them.
mark normand
No.
joe rogan
So by the time it gets to the Daily Wire...
The problem is that ecosystem, you have to be left-wing.
If you're not left wing and you're in that Hollywood ecosystem, you have to keep your fucking mouth shut.
ari shaffir
Yeah, you can't even do a move.
You're like, I just lose a role.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
And they're like, now you're out.
joe rogan
So if someone wanted to go and work for the Daily Wire and then people found out they're working for the Daily Wire, I guarantee that would be a problem with the fucking super libs.
The super libs who are all in in the cult.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
They would not want anyone around them that has any...
shane gillis
Unless you're Mel, dude.
unidentified
Mel...
joe rogan
Mel Gibson?
Yes.
shane gillis
Mel's back, dude.
ari shaffir
Who's Mel?
joe rogan
Oh, Mel Gibson.
shane gillis
Oh, yeah, you know.
He came for you.
unidentified
He came for us.
joe rogan
He would knock you the fuck out.
ari shaffir
He made some good points, though.
shane gillis
Mel Gibson would fuck you up, Ari.
ari shaffir
You think so?
shane gillis
Definitely.
After what you guys did.
mark normand
Braveheart went a long way.
joe rogan
Oh, Breitbart made it.
Kind of the same.
ari shaffir
Same, same, but different.
shane gillis
You know they killed Breitbart?
Andrew Breitbart?
They hit him with a little heart attack gun.
unidentified
You ever see that?
Oh, really?
joe rogan
Who did that to him?
shane gillis
I don't know.
mark normand
Interesting.
joe rogan
Is that real?
mark normand
But the Daily...
Can't they get a thin Biden?
Get Alan Arkin or something.
Yeah, there's a lot of thin old people.
ari shaffir
No, but they won't work for them.
joe rogan
I want to apologize to Daily Wire.
I feel like I was out of line and suggested it was them.
Because Breitbart would probably have even worse casting agents.
Like, that's down the line.
Breitbart would have the worst casting agents.
shane gillis
Breitbart would be the worst.
unidentified
That's worse.
joe rogan
Because Daily Wire has...
Jordan Peterson has like a lot of people- Daily Wire made a movie- Center right.
shane gillis
I got Daily Wire to watch a movie.
They made a school shooting movie.
unidentified
Whoa!
Nice!
shane gillis
Yeah.
It's kind of like one of those movies where like the good guy has the gun.
mark normand
With Jason Statham.
shane gillis
Even they gated up.
ari shaffir
Who's he killing then?
shane gillis
No, there's a bunch of school shooters come in and start shooting and then a girl.
Of course they make it a goddamn girl.
joe rogan
So they had this podcast conference.
Check this out.
mark normand
Are there female shooters?
ari shaffir
No.
joe rogan
There was one.
It's like the WNBA. Tony Hinchcliffe used to have a bit about it.
So they have this podcast conference.
And the Daily Wire, they have a bunch of booths, right?
So the Daily Wire takes out a booth.
And Ben Shapiro goes.
So Ben Shapiro goes, and he's there, and he's meeting people that are podcast fans, and they're all coming up to him, and they're real friendly to him, and they're taking photos with him and stuff like that.
And then afterwards, they release a statement talking about the harm that that did, and how they were not aware.
Like, the people who ran this podcast thing, the harm in bringing in Ben Shapiro that was very damaging to people.
shane gillis
What's harmful about Ben Shapiro?
ari shaffir
Bringing him in.
joe rogan
I don't know what their quotes were.
There was danger to it or something.
I forget the words they used, but it was one of those things where you read and you're like, what are you saying?
ari shaffir
They just apologize to people so they keep doing their business.
joe rogan
Yeah, but here's the thing.
ari shaffir
They don't really believe in anything.
joe rogan
They have some of the top podcasts in the country.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
So it makes sense that they would be there.
Hi folks, we owe you an apology before sessions kick off for the day.
Yesterday afternoon, Ben Shapiro briefly visited the PM22 Expo area near the Daily Wire booth.
Though he was not registered or expected, we take full responsibility for the harm.
But he's one of the owners of the Daily Wire.
By the harm done by his presence.
He was there.
He was one of the co-founders.
There it is.
There's no way around it.
We agreed to sell the Daily Wire, a first-time booth, based on the company's large presence in podcasting, which it should be.
That's what you're representing.
The weight of that decision is now painfully clear.
Shapiro is a co-founder, a drop-in, however unlikely, should have been considered a possibility.
Those of you who call this unacceptable in quotes are right.
mark normand
He's the least threatening guy on the planet.
joe rogan
In nine wonderful years growing and celebrating this medium, PM has made mistakes.
The pain will always stick with us.
The pain caused by this one will always stick with us.
We promise that sponsors will be more carefully considered moving forward.
ari shaffir
Oh, we're fucked.
joe rogan
Folks, people are in a cult.
They're in a cult.
ari shaffir
They're in a cult.
joe rogan
You can't entertain any views that are different than yours.
You can't allow people...
shane gillis
Especially Ben Shapiro.
ari shaffir
He briefly stopped by.
mark normand
He's 5'8".
ari shaffir
Oh, we'll live with this for the rest of our lives.
joe rogan
It's just...
conversations.
It's like people have opinions on one side and people have opinions on the other side.
But all they're doing is having conversations.
unidentified
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Do you have a video of him?
joe rogan
It's a fucking podcast.
ari shaffir
Stopping by?
shane gillis
Hey, call everybody.
joe rogan
It's him.
shane gillis
People are like, oh, it's so painful.
joe rogan
Painfully clear.
There's all these people taking photos with him.
shane gillis
It's a pleasure to meet you as well.
joe rogan
Thank you.
Listen, the way to handle people that you disagree with is to fucking debate them.
shane gillis
Where's Mel Gibson when you need him, dude?
He would give Shapiro a knuckle sandwich.
joe rogan
They should have conversations with him publicly.
ari shaffir
He's got a nice suit.
joe rogan
But this is bullshit.
To say that it was a bad idea to let that guy there is crazy.
Of course it's a good idea.
It doesn't mean you agree with everything he says.
You have a hundred fucking booths there.
How could you agree with everybody?
ari shaffir
But you don't think they're actually saying that.
I think they're just under pressure of like, fuck you, fuck you.
They go, okay, I'll tell you everything I think you want me to say.
joe rogan
Listen, most people have never experienced anything remotely like what you've experienced when people are mad at you.
Imagine that.
Imagine putting that on a person who's experienced nothing.
shane gillis
Except like everyone at this table.
joe rogan
Yeah, everyone at this table.
But you think about us.
ari shaffir
For a first time, we're like, whoa!
joe rogan
For someone who's not even an entertainer and doesn't know what that feels like...
And all of a sudden, this person gets dragged into it, and like, what do I have to do to stop this fire?
unidentified
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
They'll say anything.
mark normand
Good point.
joe rogan
And also, in that world, that's how you talk.
unidentified
Right.
joe rogan
That's why it's like a cult.
Like, there's lines that you have to stay inside of.
ari shaffir
It's like that Beyonce thing.
joe rogan
There's ways you have to address them.
ari shaffir
When she goes, I use the word spaz, she goes, I know this is deeply offensive.
shane gillis
Spaz?
unidentified
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Not even just a bit offensive.
joe rogan
We're in a cult, folks.
ari shaffir
There's no more just like, guys, it was a little bit off.
joe rogan
There's a mind virus cult that took over half the fucking country.
mark normand
Just don't apologize.
Keep going.
shane gillis
Just ignore Beyonce.
joe rogan
It's not good for anybody if you apologize and go into that.
If you become one of those people that get sucked into that world of not being able to say anything.
mark normand
Yeah, it's scary.
joe rogan
Hi, Jamie.
If you get sucked into that world, man.
mark normand
I can't believe they got Lizzo.
She apologized for saying spaz as well.
shane gillis
She said spaz?
mark normand
Yeah, she said it before Beyonce.
ari shaffir
And in the articles, it says spaz, which by the way, they have to take both sides to it, which by the way, is part of black culture.
It means to fight.
mark normand
Is that right?
ari shaffir
They can't be like, it is wrong, because then that's pissing off black culture.
shane gillis
That's funny.
joe rogan
That's a good move.
shane gillis
I'm going to piss.
Let's change subjects.
mark normand
Back to movies.
Let me say, did you see what Matt Damon said about the state of movies?
joe rogan
What'd he say?
mark normand
It was fascinating.
Why movies suck now?
ari shaffir
What'd he say?
mark normand
We all think it's because of this, because of that.
It's because of DVD sales.
ari shaffir
What do you mean?
mark normand
DVDs aren't a thing anymore.
So they used to make movies, and if the movie didn't kill it at the box office, you made a ton of money on DVDs later.
But now they don't have that, so they can't risk making a non-theater movie.
ari shaffir
Right, they can't get a cult hit later.
mark normand
Yes, like Swingers and Pulp Fiction and all these movies.
unidentified
Office Space was all DVD. What's the one?
joe rogan
People found out about it.
Word of Mouth.
Isn't it amazing how good Word of Mouth was?
mark normand
Huge.
I mean, it was the old viral.
ari shaffir
What's the one Tarantino wrote but didn't direct?
mark normand
Rise of War Dogs?
joe rogan
No, no, no.
Before that.
True Romance.
ari shaffir
True Romance.
joe rogan
Shit like that.
ari shaffir
Catch it on later.
unidentified
What did they do before TV? True Romance is so fucking good.
ari shaffir
It's a really good movie.
joe rogan
So fucking good.
It's so fucking good.
ari shaffir
That eggplant speech was one of the greatest acting scenes.
mark normand
That was amazing.
joe rogan
There's just so many good scenes in that fucking movie, man.
mark normand
But you can't make a movie.
joe rogan
You can't make a movie.
But back then, to make a movie like that back then, like to do Reservoir Dogs back then, was like revolutionary.
mark normand
Huge.
joe rogan
Like, what is this wild shit?
mark normand
But just in 1994, we had Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Lion King, Saving Private Ryan.
joe rogan
I just put Lion King in there.
mark normand
That's a great movie.
ari shaffir
It's a classic, but yeah.
mark normand
That's a good movie.
joe rogan
None of the lions have dicks That's a cartoon there Have you seen the new one?
That's his problem with it That's so great No lion dicks That's some holes in the story They have the new one out None of the lions have dicks But kids have seen lions with dicks in the zoo.
mark normand
Never seen a lion dick.
joe rogan
It bothers me.
Look at that.
Lion King was number one.
unidentified
See?
Forrest Gump.
mark normand
True Lies.
Speed.
The Mask.
The Mask was great.
ari shaffir
Maverick was good.
This is one year!
The Crow.
mark normand
Movies were awesome!
joe rogan
Yeah, man.
ari shaffir
Little Rask.
Oh, Beverly Hill Cop 3. Wolf.
joe rogan
What is Wolf?
Was that that Jack Nicholson?
mark normand
Jack Nicholson.
unidentified
Werewolf movie?
joe rogan
That was so dumb.
mark normand
That was bad.
That was bad.
ari shaffir
Natural Born Killers was that year?
joe rogan
That was a Tarantino.
Wow, Natural Born Killers was that year, too?
ari shaffir
Wait, or was it the year before and it just made that later?
mark normand
Oh, In the Army Now is probably August 26th.
joe rogan
Wow, that's amazing.
In the Army now, the Cowboys.
ari shaffir
Jurassic Park.
No, that's leftover from a few years before.
mark normand
But still, I mean, the 90s killed it, and then it all just went to shit.
ari shaffir
My movie.
joe rogan
Well, that's...
Martin Lawrence, you're so crazy, you're number 43 ever.
mark normand
That's incredible.
ari shaffir
Oh, all these are great.
mark normand
Is this DVD sales, or is this theater?
Box office.
Wow.
ari shaffir
Some of those are leftover from the year before.
mark normand
94, I was 11 years old.
Lived at the theater.
unidentified
Damn.
joe rogan
94 was when I first moved to Hollywood.
mark normand
Whoa, that must have been a different time.
A lot of blow.
unidentified
So weird.
mark normand
Sunset Boulevard.
joe rogan
It was just weird.
It's a completely different environment than it is now.
mark normand
Totally different.
joe rogan
Once the internet came along, everything got weird.
ari shaffir
Everybody was a star, right?
Instead of everyone trying to be a star.
joe rogan
Well, it was that, and it was also like, there's something that changed in culture with the preoccupation of other people's opinions and tweeting.
Yeah.
There's a less...
mark normand
There's less social.
joe rogan
But there's less...
There's a lot of content, but there's less of these, like, the Black Keys kind of dudes.
mark normand
Right, right, right.
Real artists.
joe rogan
Cheers.
Where what they're doing is like, fuck yeah.
Cheers, gentlemen.
mark normand
Mazel tov.
Praise Allah.
Alright, it's good to see it's still sitting upright.
joe rogan
In some ways it's harder to create real shit because there's so much benefit in creating something that someone would like.
shane gillis
Doesn't it make it seem like it's the easiest time to make something real?
joe rogan
Yeah, well easy and hard.
You're gonna face repercussions like we all have.
mark normand
And attention spans are shittier.
joe rogan
Dude, this podcast is three fucking hours long.
ari shaffir
You just have to say, I'm not going just for likes, I'm going for what I want to put out and enough people will see it.
joe rogan
Go for what you think.
I don't have a short attention span, so I just assume other people don't either.
And I think if you don't, they don't either.
I think if you're engaging, they stay engaged.
mark normand
There's also not one interview show that's authentic.
You watch Jimmy Fallon, he's like, ah!
joe rogan
They can't be.
They can't be.
It's crazy because they're in competition with people like us that are.
We can do whatever the fuck we want.
ari shaffir
When I started This Not Happening, they were like, we found that videos work best for two minutes or less.
And I'm like, I'm going like 25 minutes on these.
Like, whatever it goes, it goes.
mark normand
And they have millions of views.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
shane gillis
Yeah, but I don't know how much...
I hate all that fucking, like, you need fucking captions, put out clips.
I mean, I'm not saying...
ari shaffir
It's like, this is not my...
mark normand
It's a nightmare.
ari shaffir
You don't need to.
joe rogan
You don't have to do it.
You don't need to.
You don't need to.
But you could want to.
And if you want to do that, like, Schultz loves to do that shit.
He loves it and he's really good at it.
shane gillis
I'm not controlled at all.
joe rogan
No, I know you're not.
I know you're not.
But it's not me either.
I don't do it either.
ari shaffir
Because my titles seem lame.
It's like the something, something, best something, something of all time.
It's like, ugh, I don't want to do that.
Yeah, it's weird.
joe rogan
The problem with that is what you're selling is authenticity.
That's what you're selling.
That's what we're all selling.
If you're not authentic and you're just bullshitting, Then why?
Why are you doing that?
Now I don't like you anymore.
Now you're not fun anymore.
So just for that one thing.
If you do that one thing and you're not authentic.
ari shaffir
What are you doing?
unidentified
Don't you want to do what you want to do?
joe rogan
Some guys get trapped.
And then if you're a guy, say you're the host of the fucking Ari Shaffir show on CBS. And it's killing.
The Ari Shaffir show is killing.
shane gillis
Can you imagine if Ari was successful, how shitty he would be?
ari shaffir
Oh my god.
unidentified
I would cut him out and bring him back in just to cut him out again.
joe rogan
You would have a trans brand leader, trans band leader.
I would go full heel.
You'd have to go full the other way.
You'd be full woke heel.
ari shaffir
Oh, that's the heel.
unidentified
Full woke.
shane gillis
That'd be pretty fun against non-woke heel.
joe rogan
Comics have done it before.
They get on a TV show and they go fucking woke.
Guys are like hardcore guys.
ari shaffir
Get a sweater.
joe rogan
All of a sudden they get woke, and they get weird.
shane gillis
Who knows?
joe rogan
Yeah, it's happened before.
So imagine, you're living in a fucking dope house in Beverly Hills.
It's nice, dude.
It's fucking nice.
You got a sick view, a big-ass fucking yard.
shane gillis
And your friend comes over and says the end word.
joe rogan
You got a Bentley.
ari shaffir
Yeah, your friend's in trouble.
You just cut him out of your life forever.
If you mind probably cutting him out of your life.
joe rogan
Forever.
ari shaffir
Why?
Just cut him out.
joe rogan
And I need you to write jokes about people who don't get vaccinated.
We're going to open with those Friday night.
mark normand
Yeah, well, you go.
joe rogan
Let's open with those jokes about people skeptical of the pharmaceutical companies.
Let's try to change the fabric of culture.
mark normand
You go where the likes are.
That's what people do.
They just follow the likes.
joe rogan
Well, they follow what's going to help their career.
The thing is, what helps their career is to be deeper entwined with the system that's dying.
And what helps our career is to be authentic.
ari shaffir
Go against it.
joe rogan
Yeah, but just be authentic.
ari shaffir
Right, you don't have to go against it.
joe rogan
You don't have to go against it.
There's a lot of stuff on regular TV I love.
ari shaffir
I'm not against regular TV. If that's what you're into.
joe rogan
The problem is the system itself stops people in their tracks before they get to have a true expression of what they want to put out there.
The only way you can put out what you want to put out is if you put it out by yourself.
And if nobody tells you what to do.
shane gillis
Killian Keeves season two, it's coming out.
There it is, exactly.
joe rogan
Killian Keeves is one of the best examples out there on the internet.
That fucking Trump speed dating shit is hilarious.
You guys have a ton of sketches that are fantastic.
You know, I read one of the quotes under the YouTube that I fucking 100% agree with.
They said, this is better than anything you're gonna see on sketch television and regular TV. Yeah.
It's a fucking 100% true.
They couldn't do it.
No one would allow them to go for it the way you guys go for it.
The one with the dad who has the OnlyFans account?
Dude, that shit is brilliant!
It's fucking brilliant!
ari shaffir
I like Uncle Daycare.
That was my favorite.
mark normand
Oh, that's a great one.
ari shaffir
It was Kylo.
shane gillis
Kylo is the lady.
He's the lady uncle.
mark normand
Yeah, that's the bittersweet of the internet.
ari shaffir
I heard she was driving Pope crazy.
joe rogan
Dude, it's fucking brilliant.
It's not bittersweet.
It's mostly bitter.
I mean, mostly sweet.
But we think of the bitter because the bitter hurts the most.
mark normand
Well, you get the backlash.
You know, we're comics.
We focus on the guy in the front row not laughing with his arms crossed.
ari shaffir
It is funny, though, but when we started, there was no option to be like, hey, do what you want your way.
You're like, well, that's not really...
I'll do as close as I can with the let me.
joe rogan
Yeah, it was always as close as you can get.
ari shaffir
You can still make rent money just doing your own work.
shane gillis
I forgot I was supposed to promote that.
It's gilliankeves.tv.
mark normand
There you go.
shane gillis
I think it'll be out in September.
joe rogan
People just find it.
shane gillis
Whatever.
joe rogan
Everybody can Google it.
If they can't figure out how to get there, do you really want them going?
mark normand
Oh, out to lunch on YouTube.
joe rogan
At this time?
Oh, it's called Gillian Keeves.
How do I find it?
unidentified
I don't know.
shane gillis
Google that.
joe rogan
I don't know.
I just look around.
I try to find it.
I don't see it anywhere.
mark normand
Isn't that how you put a clip on Instagram?
You're like, this is funny.
When are you going to be in Toronto?
joe rogan
It's the most annoying.
mark normand
It's all on my website.
Go to the website.
I got to spoon feed every queef out there.
shane gillis
Every DM I get is like, when are you coming to Toronto?
mark normand
I got two shows in a week in Toronto.
joe rogan
Are you even allowed to fly in there unless you're vaccinated?
Are you allowed to fly in again now?
shane gillis
Nice.
Thanks, Jamie.
joe rogan
There you go.
shane gillis
We should have the whole next season up soon, September.
joe rogan
I love it.
See, that's a thing that a regular network could never do.
We talk about it all the time, but it's true.
Kyle Dunnigan and Kurt Metzger.
They could never fucking do those things that they do.
They couldn't do them.
It'd be physically impossible.
shane gillis
Dude, how good is this Pelosi?
You got a good Pelosi.
Let me hear Pelosi.
unidentified
I have to think about it.
mark normand
It's just drunk bars.
unidentified
Everyone wants to talk about it.
joe rogan
What, entire trading on Vancouver?
shane gillis
Dude, we should play Heads Up.
joe rogan
Of course not.
ari shaffir
Heads Up.
mark normand
We were talking about Heads Up earlier.
unidentified
Heads Up.
mark normand
Have you ever played it?
joe rogan
Have you guys seen Jamie Foxx's Trump?
mark normand
It's incredible.
shane gillis
I got tagged in that 9,000 times.
joe rogan
It's the only Trump I've ever heard that's better than yours.
unidentified
Oh.
shane gillis
It's better?
mark normand
Well, black people are better at things.
joe rogan
This is a challenge.
mark normand
It's really good.
joe rogan
Is it better?
unidentified
Jamie Foxx I don't know I'm not good I don't want to raise his rotating I knew the next couple he's a black guy Black guys, they're okay.
Pretty good.
shane gillis
I'm not gonna do it.
Dude, some people are way better at the conversational Trump.
I can't do that.
joe rogan
What are you going to do in 2024, Mr. Trump?
You haven't announced you're running again.
unidentified
I haven't announced it.
The crooked FBI, they went into my house.
shane gillis
Not good.
unidentified
They didn't find anything.
shane gillis
I don't have anything.
joe rogan
Boy, people are on the fence now.
There's like pro and con anti-FBI people with no information whatsoever.
shane gillis
Fucking no information whatsoever either pro or con FBI. Here's my favorite part, is the same people, so now the left keeps tweeting, oh, now all of a sudden the right's anti-police?
But then it's like, the people on the right, they get to tweet, oh, all of a sudden the left's pro-police.
mark normand
Pro-police, yeah.
shane gillis
They do this every single fucking time.
mark normand
They're the same people.
shane gillis
They do it every fucking time.
ari shaffir
Everybody wants to get ahead.
They have no real beliefs.
And doing politicals fucking sucks.
shane gillis
They do it every time.
mark normand
When Trump won, they all said, the election's rigged, it's a rigged election.
And then when Trump won, oh, the election's rigged.
Just accept it.
It's crazy.
shane gillis
So yeah, when Trump won, the left was like, he was a Russian spy.
mark normand
Right.
shane gillis
This is bullshit.
He shouldn't have won.
That was Russian.
mark normand
When Biden won.
shane gillis
Then Biden wins, they're like, shut up.
The results are in.
mark normand
Exactly.
shane gillis
And then the right's like, this was bullshit.
mark normand
They're the same.
ari shaffir
And then there's people like us just looking at all of them going like, oh, I want to make fun of all of you.
joe rogan
I do make fun of all of them.
mark normand
You've got to stay in the middle and observe.
ari shaffir
You guys are all hypocrites.
joe rogan
I agree with more people on the left than I do on the right on most things, but I still think they're the most ridiculous.
ari shaffir
I like the left to accept gay rights.
joe rogan
A little too liberal with that.
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
Says the guy with the mustache.
shane gillis
I have to shut the fuck up.
joe rogan
Mr. Trump, how do you feel about gay rights?
unidentified
I like it, but they're going a little overboard with the dancing.
A lot of dancing.
I don't know about that.
ari shaffir
Trump, go on Matt and Shane's.
shane gillis
Please.
unidentified
Trump.
joe rogan
Would that be amazing?
ari shaffir
What would Trump drink?
joe rogan
You get Trump on your show?
shane gillis
Trump doesn't drink, dude.
joe rogan
At all.
ari shaffir
You'd have chicken for him.
shane gillis
We get some McDonald's and amphetamines for the boy.
joe rogan
Imagine if that's the first time he drinks is on your show.
ari shaffir
Heard about it.
unidentified
I'll try it.
mark normand
Imagine his Twitter drunk.
joe rogan
Mr. Trump.
shane gillis
His drunk Twitter.
mark normand
His Twitter before was insane, but his drunk Twitter would be bananas.
ari shaffir
It would be meaningful.
It would be like, check out this sunset.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
shane gillis
Yeah, true.
mark normand
Right tones down a little bit.
ari shaffir
He would just get kind of emotional.
joe rogan
Could you fucking imagine?
Drunk Trump.
mark normand
Oh man, that's a character.
ari shaffir
Yep.
mark normand
Gillian Keyes, write it.
shane gillis
We fucked that up.
That was a layup.
We didn't even think of that.
joe rogan
Well, just do it now.
Just do it now.
Do it now.
Trump would be fucking amazing.
mark normand
Yeah, his wife died.
He has a drink to get over it.
shane gillis
Did I talk about this last time when I went to Mar-a-Lago?
ari shaffir
And you saw him?
shane gillis
I saw The King, dude.
I went to Mar-a-Lago.
mark normand
Wait, wait.
shane gillis
I was in Mar-a-Lago.
mark normand
What?
shane gillis
It was me and like ten people.
It was just a regular day at Mar-a-Lago.
mark normand
Like a field trip?
shane gillis
No, I got in there.
I'm not gonna name names.
joe rogan
You went to Mar-a-Lago to meet Trump specifically?
shane gillis
I went to Mar-a-Lago because I was doing Palm Beach improv, and some people that work there or work You know, on the staff or whatever, their fans, they showed up, came to the show, they were like, do you want to go to Mar-a-Lago tomorrow?
And I was like...
ari shaffir
Talking to the right guy.
shane gillis
I was like...
That shit was so nice.
mark normand
Was it pretty?
shane gillis
Yeah, look at it.
joe rogan
It's beautiful.
shane gillis
Oh, it's a fantastic place.
Dude, the only people there are 70-year-old billionaires.
And they're all wearing MAGA hats, dude.
mark normand
Sure.
shane gillis
But not just regular red MAGA hats.
joe rogan
Can we get a membership?
ari shaffir
Can we get a membership?
shane gillis
Yes, $200,000 a year.
joe rogan
Listen to this.
shane gillis
Yes.
joe rogan
Listen to this.
What if we built a podcast studio at Mar-a-Lago?
What if we have a conversation with Donald and we go, we don't want to be affiliated with you in any way, sir.
We would just like to rent some space on your property and put together a podcast studio.
Once every couple months, we will do Protect Our Parks from Mar-a-Lago.
shane gillis
And we can do a live show, bro.
And we could do a show at Palm Beach.
joe rogan
Imagine if we never even addressed it.
ari shaffir
Never addressed it.
joe rogan
Everybody knows that we've moved our studio to Mar-a-Lago for only protect our parks.
ari shaffir
It looks like a park.
joe rogan
And behind us, it'd be like, fucking park ranger hats and shit and pine trees.
That's the set.
Can we do that?
shane gillis
You have no idea how much I would donate whatever money for the membership.
joe rogan
We never talk about it.
And then if it gets brought up in interviews, we can't disclose.
shane gillis
Dude, there's a gold-plated Constitution.
unidentified
I think it was the Constitution.
shane gillis
Dude, that's the main room.
mark normand
It's so grand.
shane gillis
Jesus Christ.
It's small, though.
It's small.
It's smaller than you think.
ari shaffir
Shut up.
shane gillis
No, I mean that.
This is like the main room.
joe rogan
Wow.
mark normand
You know who's doing stand-up now is Don Jr. Really?
He's doing stand-up.
He was just at Palm Beach.
joe rogan
Here's my thought on that building.
Can I see that image again?
unidentified
Oh.
joe rogan
Now, if this was in the home of a professor, people would think this is magnificent.
If this is a guy who's this genius man who wrote books on gene therapy and whatever and just fucking published works and made millions of dollars somehow, and this was his home, you'd be like, what an opulent home.
But you look at it and you know it's Trump's.
You're like, this crazy fuck's gone.
shane gillis
It's a resort, but he lives on a wing.
ari shaffir
Okay.
shane gillis
It's his fucking house.
joe rogan
He has people live in his house.
It's a resort.
His house is a fucking resort.
shane gillis
Jamie, Kodak Black at Mar-a-Lago.
joe rogan
Look at this place.
shane gillis
Shout out Kodak Black.
joe rogan
Bro, he's balling out of control.
This is what you're supposed to do when you're a 78-year-old billionaire.
You're supposed to be balling out of control.
Live on a resort where everybody knows it's yours, so the only people that come are people who love you.
So there's all these, thank you for the tax cut, Mr. Trump.
shane gillis
He controls the music.
joe rogan
You were doing the right thing with China!
You were doing the right thing!
shane gillis
Was he?
joe rogan
I don't know.
They all cheers.
shane gillis
How about he controls the music?
joe rogan
Of course he does.
shane gillis
What kind of music is it?
Well, I mean, number one is YMCA. That's his number one choice.
mark normand
He loves that song.
joe rogan
Does he really?
shane gillis
Yeah, it gets the people going, dude.
Young man.
Yeah, he knows.
mark normand
It is catchy.
joe rogan
Didn't he go out dancing to it once?
shane gillis
Yeah.
mark normand
I think so.
joe rogan
There was something.
Was that what it was?
mark normand
He had that bad dance.
joe rogan
Wasn't there like a video of him dancing to a song and the people who made the song objected to it?
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
Wasn't there something?
shane gillis
I know there was.
They do that a lot.
mark normand
Oh, we're not gonna take it.
And then Dee Snider.
shane gillis
Kodak Black chills, dude.
mark normand
Who's Kodak Black?
shane gillis
He's the man.
He's a rapper.
There he is with Rudy Giuliani.
mark normand
Oh, wow.
shane gillis
I think Trump pardoned Kodak.
joe rogan
Really?
shane gillis
And A $AP Rocky.
joe rogan
That's a good move.
If I was Trump, I would go, yeah, that's a good move.
ari shaffir
Rappers love Trump.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's a good move.
shane gillis
Yeah, they're millionaires.
ari shaffir
Yeah, he lives like they rap about.
joe rogan
Just say boys, just settle down.
Did you know you're young and you're making billions?
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
I've done this before.
I've been in this business.
unidentified
Guys.
shane gillis
What would he say to them?
unidentified
You're black!
mark normand
You see the Kanye doc?
unidentified
Kodak Black, what a great guy.
mark normand
The Kanye doc when he's watching Tucker Carlson.
shane gillis
Dapping him up.
joe rogan
They're dapping.
He daps people.
mark normand
Oh, he's got a fat white lady.
ari shaffir
What's he's limp for?
joe rogan
Probably hurt himself.
ari shaffir
Did you get a fat lady, white lady's a cane?
unidentified
*laughter* That's baller.
mark normand
That's baller shit.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
mark normand
Hey Stacy, come help me walk.
shane gillis
Yeah.
Fuck a cane.
joe rogan
Get me a sturdy gal.
Oh my god, that's so ridiculous.
shane gillis
That was wild.
That was the first time I've been like, for real, like, oh shit, there he is.
Like, he was just, he was so clear.
He was from us to Jamie, just standing there, and I was like, oh shit, oh shit.
joe rogan
If he did your podcast, they'd take it off of YouTube.
mark normand
That already happened with the Nelk Boys.
joe rogan
They did a podcast with him and they took it off YouTube.
What was the justification they used?
They're trying to keep him off of YouTube.
mark normand
How do they get these guests, these kids?
They're like young, hip little kids.
shane gillis
They're kind of right-wing, though.
Right?
joe rogan
I don't know if they are or not.
shane gillis
I don't know what their political affiliation is.
joe rogan
They're like wild guys who drink a lot.
mark normand
So are we!
shane gillis
Yeah, but I don't think they say anything disparaging about Trump.
I think I have...
mark normand
I definitely have.
shane gillis
I think I've said a lot of things.
I think of my special, I was like, it'd be funny if he got shot.
mark normand
Oh my god.
That's a funny bit.
ari shaffir
Good point.
mark normand
But I don't think he's tallying up all that shit when he books a podcast.
shane gillis
No, I don't think so either.
ari shaffir
He's not an idiot.
He'd be like, I get what you're saying.
It's funny.
joe rogan
Yeah, I think, like, we talked to Jeff Ross when he roasted Trump and, like, had a conversation with him.
He said Trump was laughing at jokes.
ari shaffir
Before, he was, like, known as a villain.
shane gillis
Dude, did you ever see that Stern clip of him and Artie Lank?
So good.
He's talking about how good Artie Lang was and how funny he was.
And then they were like, but didn't he make fun of you at the thing?
And he's like, he was the biggest loser there.
Everybody thought he was a bum.
Just like that.
He's the funniest fucking dude ever.
ari shaffir
His best on Stern was when they would show him models.
He's like, mm, lips or two.
Nah, I'm not feeling it.
He's nines and he would just shit on them.
He knew the joke.
mark normand
Yeah.
I love Artie Lang.
That guy's underrated.
He's the Salman Rushdie of comedy because he can't die.
ari shaffir
Woof.
Damn, that's fabulous.
Pretty wild.
mark normand
Jesus.
shane gillis
Yo, Salman Rushdie.
joe rogan
Where are you going with that one?
mark normand
I'm saying, Artie Lang's the man.
joe rogan
I love Artie.
shane gillis
He will not die.
mark normand
He won't die.
He's beating everybody.
ari shaffir
No, my woof was what happened to Rushdie.
mark normand
Oh, Rushdie.
Yeah, he lost an eye.
Like Bisping.
unidentified
Yeah.
ari shaffir
I'm sure that crowd was like, ha ha, wait a minute, this is serious.
shane gillis
Yeah, this is a bit...
mark normand
No, Rush is a tough guy.
Yeah, that's pretty crazy.
joe rogan
Has he lost an eye?
Is that official?
ari shaffir
They stabbed him in it.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
He stabbed him in the eye?
mark normand
In the eye.
ari shaffir
He just kept stabbing him.
shane gillis
Well, not just in the eye, but...
mark normand
He got a lot of them.
All over.
shane gillis
If you could stab him in the eye a couple times, you're dead.
joe rogan
Oh, my God.
mark normand
He's a tough, tough dude.
ari shaffir
He's not gonna...
shane gillis
Dude, that sucks, Dick.
He wrote that one book.
ari shaffir
One book.
shane gillis
And then they were like, we're killing you.
ari shaffir
I remember when he came out of hiding and it was like, oh, is it over?
But I guess not for everybody.
mark normand
The fatwa.
ari shaffir
Yeah, the fatwa was lifted?
mark normand
No.
ari shaffir
How did he come out of hiding, man?
mark normand
And the kid was like 23 who stabbed him.
There's a big bounty on his head.
shane gillis
Rushdie.
I'm listening to a book right now.
It's called Black Flags.
You ever hear that?
joe rogan
No.
mark normand
God hates flags.
shane gillis
It's about ISIS. Oh, really?
It's fucking wild, dude.
Boy, we fucked up Iraq.
mark normand
We did?
shane gillis
Yeah.
mark normand
I think they had some problems, too.
ari shaffir
My driver in the way here was from Iraq.
shane gillis
No, we fucked up so bad, dude.
Just full on, like, everybody in the Middle East was like, don't do that.
Make sure you don't do that.
Like, we banned, uh...
ari shaffir
The party?
shane gillis
The United States got rid of the Ba'ath party.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
shane gillis
We took over Iraq, and we're like, anybody that was in Saddam's party is out.
You can't have a job.
ari shaffir
But the problem was, everybody was in Saddam's party.
shane gillis
Everybody who had a position.
They're like, you must join.
mark normand
Wait a minute.
ari shaffir
This is our fault?
The head surgeon, like, you're out.
Iraq?
shane gillis
ISIS is our fault.
mark normand
ISIS is our fault?
shane gillis
I mean, not entirely, but yes.
mark normand
Whoa, I didn't know that.
I just thought they hated us.
shane gillis
Really?
You thought they hated baseball?
mark normand
Yeah, I thought they just hated Americans.
shane gillis
They hate us for our freedom.
ISIS hates baseball.
That's what they're all about.
ari shaffir
They do hate us.
shane gillis
They get to say, like, that's sinful, but for real, no.
mark normand
Oh, I know.
ari shaffir
I'm in the dark here.
Wait, they have no problem with us?
shane gillis
I think they have a problem.
mark normand
They definitely have a problem.
ari shaffir
But we still created them.
shane gillis
Really?
joe rogan
Just by doing that.
shane gillis
We created the vacuum.
joe rogan
Just by outlawing people from the vacuum.
Not only that, I don't think they understood the repercussions of the Shia versus the Sunni Muslims going at each other in what's essentially a civil war.
That's crazy.
We didn't think that Muslim sects hated each other to the point where they go to war with each other.
That's wild shit, man.
They think that the United States invasion of Iraq Not only was it one of the worst decisions ever in terms of human life, they think that a million people died that wouldn't have died.
mark normand
Yikes.
joe rogan
And it still sucks.
If you go there right now, is it better?
ari shaffir
No, my driver was from Iraq.
I was like, how is it?
He goes, it's bad.
I'm like, is that just a certain region?
He goes, no, it's pretty much everywhere.
It's just really bad.
joe rogan
It's bad.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
Dude, there are parts of the world that I really wish people would either know about or visit.
Yemen?
Yeah, before they even think about what you think the world is.
If you think about what you think the world is, you think the world is fucking Santa Monica.
That's not the goddamn world.
The world's not Brooklyn.
The world is weird.
The world is weird and it's like bubbling all around us.
We're like the center of cheese that hasn't been fucking cooked by the heat yet.
All the outside edges are all crispy and fucked up and it's starting to get to the center.
That's us.
That's America.
mark normand
Well, why can't they chill out?
joe rogan
Well, they need resources.
ari shaffir
Yeah, I went to Egypt right after there was some terrorist attack, so tourism was way down, and there was like a desperation in the air, where they were like, we're about to get violent.
mark normand
Really?
ari shaffir
We all lost our lives.
joe rogan
Fucking COVID was brutal for places that were like vacation spots.
Imagine vacation, like Hawaii got brutalized by COVID. Really?
Yeah, it's terrible for them.
ari shaffir
It's all tourism.
joe rogan
It's all tourism.
That's all their money.
They fucking love the tourists.
They love the tourists' money.
They just don't like rude, asshole Americans.
We say, oh, they don't like us.
ari shaffir
No, that's not us.
joe rogan
You get fucking drunk and you say stupid shit.
shane gillis
You're from a fucking island, faggot.
Yeah, exactly.
unidentified
Disrespectful.
joe rogan
You're visiting their culture, man.
They're some of the nicest fucking people alive.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
Hawaiians are amazing.
shane gillis
First off, everybody's nice.
Every single country is nice.
mark normand
Paris is nice.
shane gillis
Everywhere you go, they're nice if you're not a cunt.
joe rogan
Exactly.
ari shaffir
American tourists act like they're the ones, like that kid who pissed on the tree on Midsommar.
They're like, you got a problem with tourists!
joe rogan
It's one of the problems of nationalism.
We can't be responsible for those folks.
We can't be responsible for these fucking idiots that we pretend are on the same team as us that are dumbasses and fuck things up and go to countries and spray paint shit on statues because they think it's funny.
ari shaffir
Get blowjobs in public.
joe rogan
Did you see those fucking climate activists that glued themselves to a statue of the Vatican?
shane gillis
Did they glued themselves to a renaissance painting?
mark normand
What?
joe rogan
Yeah, wild shit.
They're touching these priceless artifacts and they're getting their hands stuck on them.
So how do they get their hands off?
They must use some sort of solvent or something.
So what if that fucks up and permanently mars these priceless statues?
mark normand
Holy hell.
joe rogan
How are they doing this?
shane gillis
Which are kind of the only good things that are going to survive after climate change.
joe rogan
So here's how they did it at the Vatican.
These fucking kooks.
ari shaffir
How bad does that old man want to fuck that woman?
joe rogan
Oh, so bad.
This is his only shot.
I got to prove myself.
I don't want to do it.
ari shaffir
He thinks he's got a chance.
joe rogan
26-year-old woman referred to only as Laura and an unnamed older man.
Let's just call him cuck.
Along with several reporters entering to Vatican Museums where the activists glued themselves to the base of the sculpture.
Oh my god.
shane gillis
That might be the horniest dude of all time.
joe rogan
Did you see how they got him off, Jamie?
How the fuck did they get him off?
ari shaffir
They should have drop-kicked him until they were fucking removed.
joe rogan
These Just Stop Oil and Ultima Generose have received $1 million in funding.
unidentified
That sucks.
joe rogan
Oh, that's the company.
Oh, I thought they used that stuff.
Just Stop Oil to get the...
I thought it was like a solvent.
mark normand
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
And they had to fuck the surface of it up.
I mean, you've definitely introduced something that should never be there with superglue and human skin tissue.
So you're going to clean that off?
You're going to leave it there forever?
So everyone's going to know that's where the climate activists glue their fucking stupid hands?
ari shaffir
It does look like it might just be the base that they put later.
shane gillis
I think they got a painting.
joe rogan
Oh, that they put in later.
ari shaffir
Yeah, it's like they attach a stature to a base.
joe rogan
Okay, well that sounds bad.
Isn't that funny?
If that was old, we'd be like, what the fuck, bro?
unidentified
It's so old.
mark normand
Did you see the video?
joe rogan
Oh, it's from the 80s.
unidentified
Oh, okay.
mark normand
See the video of the guy sitting on the highway?
Pull that up, Jamie.
The guy's sitting on the highway because of climate change, and they were just yanking him.
shane gillis
Dude's just like, yo, I have to go to work, you fucking losers.
ari shaffir
Oh, they hate that.
You're getting in the way of my fucking shit.
joe rogan
I gotta show you guys the most alarmist climate change shit I have ever seen in my life.
shane gillis
Yeah, this is good.
mark normand
Oh, here it is.
They're just moving these ladies.
ari shaffir
He's like, I'm going to fucking work.
mark normand
I mean, people are going to funerals.
They're going to school.
joe rogan
Those people are so goddamn crazy.
unidentified
Look at them.
joe rogan
Then you get some, too.
ari shaffir
Then you get some, too.
Come get some.
mark normand
What city is this?
joe rogan
And they just scoot right back.
In Maryland.
mark normand
This is in Maryland.
ari shaffir
Go Maryland!
Number one state.
mark normand
Oh boy, the black lady is going to get some business done.
joe rogan
I guarantee you none of those people have ever read studies on climate change.
I fucking guarantee you they never got over peer-reviewed data and tried to find out what the actual long-term understanding of the climate's ups and downs are.
Look at this.
Zombie ice from Greenland will raise sea levels 10 inches.
ari shaffir
That's for climate change.
joe rogan
Now listen, I want to be real clear.
I'm not saying that climate change is not real.
Climate change is 100% real.
Climate change is being affected by human civilization 100%.
Also, people are crazy and they like to lose their fucking minds and exaggerate things and go way off the deep end.
It becomes a new field of cult-like thinking.
That, what you just saw, Look at that.
Put that thing up again.
Put that fucking picture up again, Jamie, please.
Zombie ice from Greenland will raise sea level 10 inches.
Dude, if sea level goes up 10 inches, everyone's dead.
shane gillis
Everything's dead.
mark normand
I thought we needed some sea level.
joe rogan
No, we don't need it.
shane gillis
Miami, New York's gone.
joe rogan
New York's gone.
10 inches?
Miami's gone.
No, 10 inches is a crazy number.
ari shaffir
Yeah, it doesn't seem like 10 inches.
joe rogan
That's a crazy number.
That's a crazy number.
That's a devastating number.
shane gillis
Just one...
joe rogan
Like one inch fucks things up.
unidentified
One Kevin Hart dick.
mark normand
One black dick, yeah.
ari shaffir
Oh, some other study said it could go 30 inches.
joe rogan
Now, if that's true...
mark normand
30!
That's fucked up.
ari shaffir
Do you ever see Trump talking about climate change?
mark normand
What does he say?
ari shaffir
Oh, it's the best.
shane gillis
Where he curses in the middle of it?
joe rogan
2100. It's likely...
unidentified
Good.
joe rogan
Okay, so, for likely sea level rise from Greenland ice melt by the year 2100. Yeah, so that's what Trump said about climate change.
ari shaffir
He goes, well, we gotta worry about this, because the sea level's gonna go up one-tenth of a fucking inch.
That's fucking 200 years.
The lady behind him just raises his arms.
shane gillis
She's like, yes!
joe rogan
Jamie, stop right there.
I've read it wrong.
The unavoidable 10 inches in the study is more than twice as much sea level rise as scientists had previously expected from the melting of Greenland's ice sheets.
The study in the journal Nature Climate Change said it could reach as much as 30 inches, 78 centimeters.
By contrast, last year's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reported projected range of 2 to 5 inches.
Two to five.
That's what I do.
mark normand
That's where I'm at.
ari shaffir
We're fucked either way.
Just party.
joe rogan
Yeah, but I don't necessarily think they know we're fucked.
The problem is, like, people can adapt to things, and there's a certain aspect of it that you can't avoid at this point.
There's been damage done, and there's also, like, a clear...
There's a clear...
Change in climate that's happening, but there's always been a change in climate.
The question is like how much do people have an effect on it?
Definitely have some, but is it all because of us and the only way we're gonna fix this?
We're gonna go electric cars, or is there like some sort of a technological way to fix it?
unidentified
Is there a way to pull carbon from the atmosphere?
joe rogan
That's the problem.
It's like you charge them nuclear power in the cleanest way.
shane gillis
But nuclear power, they don't want to do that.
joe rogan
They don't want to do it.
mark normand
But it's the best.
joe rogan
It's the best.
It really is.
It's like the most devastating when shit goes south, though.
You can shut a coal plant down.
When a nuclear power plant goes sideways, everybody has to move.
ari shaffir
It's like a Holtzman set.
joe rogan
When it goes bad, it goes really bad.
shane gillis
I'm from Three Mile Island, dude.
joe rogan
Oh my god, are you really?
shane gillis
It's right by my house.
mark normand
How far away?
shane gillis
It's Harrisburg.
It's fucking 15 minutes.
mark normand
They had a nuclear thing there?
shane gillis
My parents had to fucking evacuate.
ari shaffir
Damn.
shane gillis
Yeah.
mark normand
Is that why you got all fucked up?
shane gillis
Yeah.
mark normand
You were the one?
shane gillis
Hey, hey!
Comedy.
I'm the one who's fucked up, definitely.
Not you.
Mentally.
ari shaffir
That's why shit looks like that.
unidentified
That wasn't bad.
joe rogan
It's not that we don't need to do something.
It's that when you tell people that we need to do something, then people get into a fucking fever.
And then they get crazy.
And then they abandon logic and reason, and they start acting like people that are in a fucking cult.
And that's what you see from a lot of this climate change craziness.
People gluing themselves to statues and laying in the road to stop climate change.
Like, what do you want me to do?
I'm trying to go to work!
What are you going to do?
Make awareness to people?
Everybody knows.
mark normand
It's just selfish.
It's just for them.
shane gillis
That must have sucked so bad.
ari shaffir
Especially when you were first.
You were first in line.
Get out!
No way!
shane gillis
Yeah, but just being one of those people sitting there and then a black lady comes out and you're like, I was hoping it would be a white truck driver.
Well, I also, I understand your plight as well.
ari shaffir
But man, this is bigger than all of us.
joe rogan
But we have to realize too, like, who's doing that?
Not smart people.
That's not a smart person's move.
So if there's a dumb person that thinks that this is the way to fucking get brownie points for the cause, they're gonna lay down on the highway.
mark normand
They just want the photo.
joe rogan
They want to be a part of it.
shane gillis
They're going to storm the Capitol.
joe rogan
It makes you a part of something important.
mark normand
It's the same shit.
ari shaffir
It's the same shit about rape jokes.
They go so hard on people, and it was like, hey, is this achieving what you wanted to achieve?
It's not, right?
Everyone's just going harder in response to you.
You're just making people more out there.
Maybe talk to them or something.
shane gillis
I don't understand what you said.
ari shaffir
Their tactics are not getting what they want.
When they go after somebody for making a rape joke, suddenly everyone doesn't stop making them.
shane gillis
Making rape jokes or making rapes?
ari shaffir
Anything.
Rape jokes.
Everyone just goes harder.
mark normand
I see what you're saying.
ari shaffir
So it's like your tactics aren't working.
shane gillis
Oh, I see.
mark normand
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ari shaffir
Like those people need better tactics than laying down in front of traffic.
mark normand
They pick the easy route.
joe rogan
See, you're looking in terms of someone who produces art and people that criticize that art, even if those are as offensive as a rape joke.
What those people are doing is instantaneously plugging into virtue.
You could be the biggest fucking loser ever, but if you're willing to put on that vest and lay down on the highway, everybody will call you brave.
mark normand
Right.
joe rogan
That's what it is.
And if you're one of those fucking people that says, we're out here trying to fight climate change, and that's how you're doing it?
You're blocking traffic and making people idle?
shane gillis
We're causing a traffic jam, which is actually probably bad for everyone.
It's terrible.
Terrible.
joe rogan
Also, cars are going to break down, so you don't need more gas burnt to get a fucking tow truck out there.
ari shaffir
And everyone in the crowd is like, we don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
joe rogan
It's so dumb and people get violent because like if you have to go somewhere, maybe your kid got fucking broke his leg at school and you're driving there and also there's some climate change person laying down the fucking house.
ari shaffir
Can you imagine how angry you'd be?
joe rogan
Imagine your son's playing football and your wife calls you.
You broke his leg like oh shit.
ari shaffir
If you miss one more, you're out.
joe rogan
And you're trying to get to the fucking hospital and some Dipshit!
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
Is just laying in the middle of the road.
shane gillis
I mean, yeah.
joe rogan
And you just want to dismember him.
You just want to grab him and throw him like a fucking sack of potatoes.
ari shaffir
I have no time for this!
joe rogan
Like, you don't give a fuck, man.
You want to body slam him on the concrete.
You're fucking angry.
Your kid just got hit by a car.
And you got to sit and watch this moron with this shitty idea imposing it on everybody.
mark normand
It's amazing you can get to that, though.
That's pretty cool.
Remember that lady who laid on the street naked in Portland?
During the height of everything?
joe rogan
Yeah, she stuck her cooter out for a climate change.
mark normand
It's incredible.
I can get to that level.
She's not helping or doing anything.
unidentified
She is.
joe rogan
She's helping herself.
mark normand
She's getting a lot of attention.
joe rogan
That's the problem, man.
People get rewarded for attention.
shane gillis
Wait, wasn't that during like...
Is it BLM? I think it was BLM. A white lady showed her pussy to white cops during BLM. Good time.
unidentified
They're racist, so they need to look at this pussy.
mark normand
Too bad the show Cops ended.
That would have been a great episode.
joe rogan
That might have killed the show.
mark normand
That'd be a finale.
Yeah, good times.
shane gillis
Cops rules, dude.
joe rogan
That was one of the longest-running shows ever.
mark normand
Coming back.
I think it's coming back.
shane gillis
I think it's Foxfire.
ari shaffir
Jay had the best joke about it.
joe rogan
Because somebody got killed, right?
mark normand
Wow.
ari shaffir
That was during BLM. They were like, we don't want to promote this.
joe rogan
Yeah, it was PR. That's right.
ari shaffir
Jay was like, oh yeah, great idea.
Stop filming cops.
shane gillis
That's your solution.
mark normand
That's a great joke.
unidentified
It's like literally one of the most...
joe rogan
Watched shows of all time.
mark normand
Yeah, it's an incredible reality show.
joe rogan
How many episodes of cops were there?
mark normand
I've seen all of them.
shane gillis
A lot of them were down in Louisiana.
Louisiana had a good run.
mark normand
Bad boys, bad boys.
ari shaffir
They made that song.
joe rogan
Do you remember when Steven Seagal was a cop in Louisiana?
Do I? And he did a television show.
He was a real cop.
Listen to me, he was a real cop.
It was a reality show.
Steven Seagal would go and pull people over.
I think Segura had a bit about it.
mark normand
He did, yeah.
He did.
joe rogan
It is the wildest shit you're ever going to see in your life.
ari shaffir
He wasn't doing ride-alongs.
He was a cop.
joe rogan
He was a cop.
And he adopted a southern accent.
And I'm not bullshitting.
I'm not bullshitting.
Go to it.
Go to a video.
He adopted a fucking Louisiana accent.
shane gillis
Isn't he like 6'3"?
joe rogan
Oh, he's a big boy.
unidentified
He's tall.
joe rogan
I met him a bunch of times.
mark normand
Really?
unidentified
Yeah.
Didn't he invent his own...
joe rogan
So he's a movie star, and he's a cop!
unidentified
Don't touch your hair.
Don't touch your hair.
joe rogan
I relate to these guys.
mark normand
Oh, Harry Lee, he's a legend in Louisiana.
unidentified
Really?
Yeah, he's a big sheriff We're having a special SWAT training and several teams from the different areas will be down here.
Would you shoot for us?
I said sure Southern Dude, this guy is nuts.
shane gillis
Willing.
unidentified
That my best marksman could beat you?
And I said, sure.
joe rogan
What's going on with his accent?
mark normand
He kind of nailed it.
That's kind of the Creole, Louisiana accent.
unidentified
That's the accent.
mark normand
He's doing it pretty good.
unidentified
Is he from there?
joe rogan
No!
He is now.
Shut the fuck up.
shane gillis
Where is he from?
joe rogan
He's a man from nowhere.
unidentified
I don't know where he was born.
joe rogan
Maybe he was born there.
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
But I know he never talked like this before.
shane gillis
So he was on the show.
unidentified
Somebody did.
joe rogan
It's getting more Southern as the interview goes along.
shane gillis
He's starting to get it.
joe rogan
He's getting groove.
mark normand
He's born in Lansing, Michigan.
joe rogan
He's in Lansing.
mark normand
Not a big Cale community.
shane gillis
He's nailing the Cale in Louisiana though.
joe rogan
He's a Spartan dude.
He's a Michigan State fan.
Did he ever live in Louisiana before this?
mark normand
I don't think so.
joe rogan
Does it say go to Wikipedia?
mark normand
I think he did one movie in New Orleans.
shane gillis
He's from Michigan.
joe rogan
Oh my god, that's crazy.
That is so hilarious.
He's kind of a chameleon.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
You know, that guy was one of the first Americans to run a dojo in Japan.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
Yeah, he was a legitimate Aikido master.
I think he was like married to the master's daughter or something like that.
Wow.
But he was a legit Aikido guy.
mark normand
What's he up to now?
ari shaffir
Can you imagine getting arrested and then kicking out the car window?
unidentified
I know.
mark normand
That's not easy.
shane gillis
Fuck.
ari shaffir
I'm really upset.
My mom's going to be pissed.
Just like, no, I'm going for it further.
mark normand
Yeah, you got to respect it.
shane gillis
You ever see that police guy in Louisiana doing the fucking, he's like, to the goblins, I'm here to give you a, see if you can find a dude from Louisiana.
He's a parish sheriff.
joe rogan
Yeah.
shane gillis
He just gives a fucking message.
He's like, we're going to fuck you up.
mark normand
I don't know.
shane gillis
It's so nice.
joe rogan
What are the goblins?
shane gillis
It was a gang in his parish, and he just gives a full-on speech where he's like, come meet us with guns.
We're gonna fucking kill you.
All right.
Dude, with the fucking Creole accent.
unidentified
Cajun law.
shane gillis
It's so nice, dude.
ari shaffir
Wow.
unidentified
And to the goblins, I have this message for you.
shane gillis
It's so good, dude.
mark normand
I mean, growing up there, it felt like we were detached from the U.S. Louisiana feels like its own thing.
Well, first of all, in New Orleans, it's just spooky voodoo.
You can drink outside.
People come there when they ran over a kid.
That's where people come to live.
ari shaffir
Dude, Neil Gaiman at American Gods, he says New Orleans is not part of America.
mark normand
That's what I'm saying!
shane gillis
That's a separate place.
Oh, this shit rules, dude.
This will just fire you up.
mark normand
Abbeville.
shane gillis
It's quiet.
unidentified
Drug trafficking, extortion, and brutal beatings.
clay higgins
We've arrested ten of these thugs and have warrants on seven more.
Every one of these animals is most definitely armed and dangerous.
Darren Carter.
unidentified
Aaron Carter.
Travis Cooper.
We have felony warrants.
clay higgins
And like me, We'll return fire with superior fire.
unidentified
Wow.
clay higgins
Darren Carter, you think men like these are afraid of an uneducated, 125-pound punk like you that's never won a fair fight in your life and holds your gun sideways?
Young man, I'll meet you on solid ground anytime, anywhere, light or heavy.
unidentified
Makes no difference to me.
You won't walk away.
shane gillis
Look at you.
unidentified
Men like us, son, we do dumbbell presses with weights bigger than you.
clay higgins
And the convicts in jail, most of those men are good people who just found themselves crossed with the law.
unidentified
They're not evil, and they don't respect you or any punk like you.
clay higgins
They'll toss you around like a rag doll.
unidentified
I encourage every citizen walking this show of force.
mark normand
This is on the news.
unidentified
Find the American courage that conquers all evil.
I implore you to listen to this message and stand up.
Take back your streets.
Take back your country.
clay higgins
Come forward with information about these heathens that have terrorized your community.
ari shaffir
One take.
clay higgins
And for those who would use this message as a way to create false racial division in our country, Take a close look behind me.
Standing next to every cop is a leader of our black community.
unidentified
This is not about race.
clay higgins
It's about right versus wrong.
unidentified
One last message to the gremlins.
shane gillis
One last message to the gremlins.
ari shaffir
That was a cut.
unidentified
One last message to the gremlins.
You don't like the things I'm easy to find.
shane gillis
Oh, that's the best.
You gotta get that.
clay higgins
On behalf of the St. Landry Parish Sheriff's Office, the Louisiana State Police, the U.S. Marshals, and every cop and law-abiding citizen from sea to shining sea, I'm Captain Clay Higgins, asking every patriot to stand up, share this video, and send a clear message to the world.
unidentified
We're Americans.
We'd rather die on our feet than live on our knees.
mark normand
Whoa, I got chills.
unidentified
If that guy runs for president, we are fucked.
joe rogan
If that guy runs for president, we are fucked.
mark normand
Holy shit.
ari shaffir
Can I just say, the Gremlins is a cool name for a gang.
joe rogan
Don't get them wet.
ari shaffir
Cool name for a gang.
joe rogan
Yeah, it's like cool.
mark normand
That guy's got to be dead.
shane gillis
That guy's awesome.
mark normand
There's no way he's still going.
shane gillis
To the gremlins, I'm easy to find.
joe rogan
Could you imagine the rallies that that guy would have if he was running for president?
ari shaffir
Such a good speaker.
mark normand
He's got to have a movie run.
joe rogan
How nice is that?
Can you imagine?
And also with his experience?
What's his experience?
ari shaffir
He looked ahead.
I know what you're going to get me on.
You're going to say racial.
No, no.
Look behind me.
mark normand
Yes!
joe rogan
Yeah, police captain what?
unidentified
Uh...
jamie vernon
He's now a congressman.
unidentified
Oh!
joe rogan
He's gonna be the fucking president!
mark normand
Where he's running, I don't know.
unidentified
He's gonna be the president!
shane gillis
He looks like Joe Rogan.
joe rogan
Bro, that guy's gonna be president.
mark normand
I can see it.
shane gillis
He's like white Joe Rogan.
joe rogan
He's gonna be president.
mark normand
SWAT. Oh, he's still going.
Uncle Clay.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's a SWAT team.
unidentified
All right, Uncle Clay.
joe rogan
Military police officer.
mark normand
Who dat?
joe rogan
Army, Louisiana, National Guard.
shane gillis
He's gonna say something wild.
joe rogan
He's gonna say some wild shit.
unidentified
Someone's gonna get him being like, what do you mean, guys?
Yeah.
joe rogan
Listen, he'll still win.
That guy might win.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
Let me tell you, if that guy runs for president, we're fucked.
shane gillis
That's pretty good.
mark normand
Yeah, even Trump would see that and be like, this guy's gonna tone it down.
joe rogan
He'd be like, holy shit.
Trump would be like, oh.
ari shaffir
Can I be your vice president?
joe rogan
You can bring it down to a seven.
mark normand
Yeah, wow, that's exciting.
I've never seen that.
shane gillis
Yeah, it's pretty fun, right?
joe rogan
It's intense.
There's a lot of people like that out there in this world.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
They very much feel like that.
shane gillis
How nice is that?
joe rogan
They're tired of crime.
shane gillis
Just on the local news, just being like, you know where I live.
joe rogan
Most of the future crimes were solved, and what was most significant was that many of the suspects responded to Uncle Clay's message of redemption and turned themselves in.
ari shaffir
Turned themselves in?
mark normand
It worked!
It worked!
joe rogan
The program was one of the most successful in the history of law enforcement.
mark normand
They just want discipline!
joe rogan
Do you know how crazy that is?
mark normand
The Gremlins!
They just want a strong male figure.
joe rogan
Do you know how crazy that is?
It was one of the most successful in the history of law enforcement.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
What do you do about that?
Is that coming from his own website?
shane gillis
Definitely.
unidentified
Yes, definitely.
Okay, hold on.
shane gillis
Shit.
unidentified
100%.
shane gillis
He got us.
Find the Gremlins.
unidentified
Find the Gremlins Instagram.
joe rogan
When that means the most successful out of how many.
I'm in the top 1,500.
ari shaffir
The Gremlins is like, yo, we're still going strong.
Fuck Higgins.
joe rogan
When he says the most successful in history, like, what's the number?
Is it number 8?
Is it number 2,000?
shane gillis
In law enforcement history.
joe rogan
What's the most...
ari shaffir
Most successful what?
joe rogan
Campaigns?
Yeah, successful, significant campaign.
shane gillis
Elliot Ness was pretty good.
ari shaffir
Elliot Ness ruled.
shane gillis
Some of those guys.
mark normand
There's another one from Louisiana Shreveport.
It's not as crazy as that, but these kids kept fighting, so the dads came in and disciplined the kids.
It was like 40 dads.
shane gillis
That's fun.
mark normand
Just coming to the high school and just shaking kids up.
joe rogan
Remember Scared Straight?
mark normand
Oh, of course.
ari shaffir
Scared Straight was fun.
shane gillis
Scared Street scared me.
While I was watching, I was doing nothing.
I don't do any crunch.
I was watching that, I was terrified.
ari shaffir
I love the few episodes where the kid there knew that there weren't a lot of touch them.
shane gillis
Get your hands off me, pussy.
And they'd be like, fuck.
mark normand
Those kids are still, that's ballsy shit.
That's still ballsy.
joe rogan
Who was it, what reporter, there was a reporter that was interviewing a pro wrestler.
mark normand
Snowden.
joe rogan
No, no, no.
He was saying that it was fake.
And the pro wrestler clipped him upside the head and dropped him.
That was just an open hand slap!
And he slaps him again.
Who was it?
ari shaffir
Ray Schultz?
Andrew's brother?
joe rogan
David Schultz?
No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, that's the wrestler.
ari shaffir
That's Andrew's dad.
shane gillis
What the hell's wrong with you?
mark normand
That's an open hand slap.
joe rogan
No, it's not Geraldo.
unidentified
Oh, two of them!
shane gillis
Who was that?
Just watched the whole fight, dude.
joe rogan
I know who it is, I just can't remember.
unidentified
Oh, there he is.
joe rogan
Stossel, that's what it is.
John Stossel.
That guy.
So the guy goes on to be like a legitimate journalist, right?
He just got cocky with a big giant guy.
ari shaffir
He thought there were barriers that weren't there.
joe rogan
Yeah, he decided that he could get away with something.
unidentified
Everybody thinks this is fake.
joe rogan
But I think that fucked David Schultz's career up, didn't it?
mark normand
Oh, sure.
ari shaffir
He said he stayed in character, because Schultz says, McMahon told him he had to stay in character, and he goes, this was in character.
mark normand
You know who loves that video is Will Smith.
joe rogan
He said he decided it was true to his character to slap the guy upside the head twice for calling him a fake.
Stossel was knocked on his ass and ran away from the dangerous situation.
Fuck yeah, it was dangerous.
But you should have said that.
mark normand
He filled that up.
joe rogan
So if he told Schultz to stay in character...
I mean, that still doesn't, like, mean you're supposed to assault reporters.
mark normand
Twice.
ari shaffir
Remember the Chris Everett?
joe rogan
But I guess he would in character, though, right?
shane gillis
Jim Rohn.
ari shaffir
Remember the Jim Rohn Chris Everett?
joe rogan
Yeah!
unidentified
He kept calling Chrissy Everett.
shane gillis
He goes, I bet you won't call me that to my face.
He goes, I bet you I do.
mark normand
Pull it up.
ari shaffir
He goes, do it again.
mark normand
Pull it up.
ari shaffir
Do it again, and I'm gonna...
shane gillis
I bet you I do.
Chris.
unidentified
Chrissy.
mark normand
Chrissy.
unidentified
Oh, yeah!
mark normand
I can see that.
That was a great one.
joe rogan
That was Jim Rome's thing, right?
Piss people off?
ari shaffir
Yeah, but it was like the show.
shane gillis
By the way, Jim Rome's fucking incredible.
mark normand
Check that.
Chris Everett, good to have you on the show.
unidentified
You know what?
You know, you've been calling me that for about the last five years.
ari shaffir
About two years, actually, Chris.
joe rogan
Well, hey, you know what?
shane gillis
Let me say one thing.
unidentified
In that game, how many sacks did I have that we came back and won?
How many sacks did you have?
Yeah, how many game?
How many sacks?
Let's see, but this was back in 1989. You may have even been Jim Everett back there, but somewhere along the way, Jim, you ceased being Jim and you became Chris.
ari shaffir
Well, let me tell you a little secret.
unidentified
That, you know, we're sitting here right now, and if you guys want to take a station break, you can.
ari shaffir
But if you call me, Chris Everett, to my face one more time...
unidentified
I already did it twice.
ari shaffir
You better call one more time, we better take a station break.
mark normand
Well, it's a five-minute segment, or five-segment show.
ari shaffir
We've got a long way to go.
unidentified
We do.
shane gillis
We've got a long way to go.
mark normand
I'll get a couple segments out of here before.
shane gillis
Well, it's good to be here with you, though.
unidentified
Well, it's good to see you, too.
shane gillis
You know, because you've been talking like this behind my back for a long time.
mark normand
But now I said it right here.
unidentified
Right, exactly.
Well, we've got no problems then.
ari shaffir
Well, I think that you probably won't say it again.
mark normand
I bet I do.
unidentified
Chris?
mark normand
You gotta respect the balls.
shane gillis
Nah, fuck that.
ari shaffir
He's challenged to his face.
shane gillis
Jim Rome rules.
Jim Rome's fucking nice.
Jim Rome rules, but that's pussy shit.
ari shaffir
He had to.
He had to say it again.
From who?
Jim?
shane gillis
Any fucking reporter talking shit on an athlete sucks, dude.
mark normand
I don't think it's good, but I think it's...
shane gillis
Just straight up being like, you're a pussy now?
ari shaffir
You've got to be able to say an athlete is weak.
shane gillis
Why?
ari shaffir
He's not stepping up.
That's your job as a sports reporter.
mark normand
I think they both did it right.
ari shaffir
As a sports reporter?
shane gillis
Mel Gibson was right about you guys.
joe rogan
I think Norman's right.
Norman's right.
They both did it right.
Because he had to do something.
Everybody had to do something.
And he had to say it.
He said, you're not going to say it.
They were both.
And he didn't hurt him.
He didn't hurt him.
He could have killed him instantly.
What if he started raining punches down on him?
He would have crushed his skull like a grape.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
shane gillis
He did do something.
I think Rome's fucked up by that.
I think Rome hates that.
I think Jim Rome hates that clip.
unidentified
I'm sure he hates it.
shane gillis
I think Jim Rome's embarrassed about that.
joe rogan
I'm sure he hates it.
mark normand
Well, that's on him.
shane gillis
It sucks when reporters...
That was back then.
Now reporters are very pro-player.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
shane gillis
Back then, they used to be very shut up and dribble.
mark normand
Oh, right.
shane gillis
All the time.
ari shaffir
Stephen A. Smith will still go hard.
joe rogan
But that's his brand.
ari shaffir
That's his brand.
But you have to be able to go like, the guy sucks, he's not going to step up in big moments.
You've got to be able to say that as a sports reporter.
shane gillis
Yeah, you've got to be able to say suck up.
joe rogan
That guy just says wild shit, though.
A lot of those guys, they have hot takes.
And that's how they stay active.
And it makes it fun.
mark normand
It's fun.
joe rogan
That's a great clip.
shane gillis
I agree, it's fun.
I'm not saying that hot...
joe rogan
Even if you're like, fuck him!
shane gillis
Yeah, but it's not a hot take.
It'd be like going on and being like, this guy's a pussy.
joe rogan
Right, right, right.
shane gillis
That's fucking...
You're a reporter, dude.
mark normand
Shut the fuck up.
I'm not saying it's right, but I like that he stuck with it.
joe rogan
So what does it say?
It says, Jim Rome says he regretted pushing Jim Everett's buttons.
What I learned from that is I didn't have to do it three times, Rome said in 2003. He said, in retrospect, I didn't know he was that angry.
Putting him on the show wasn't my idea.
Did we get this guy on a plane and fly him in so I could badger him and call him Chris and make it horrible for everybody?
No.
There was a good interview to be done, and it didn't get done.
Yep.
mark normand
That's true.
ari shaffir
Good point.
mark normand
That's true.
ari shaffir
He was like, I had to be a fucking man for no reason.
joe rogan
But he probably was never confronted.
mark normand
You got it, Thaddeus.
shane gillis
Yeah, Bodega Cat's good.
mark normand
Thank you.
shane gillis
By the way, Jim Rome, he's one of those guys that...
He's like Tim Dillon.
Like, just nasty.
Oh, just keeps going.
Like, sitting down by themselves, just like, I could listen to this all day.
mark normand
Oh, good for him.
shane gillis
Jim Rohn's fucking nice.
mark normand
That's a skill.
joe rogan
I've never listened.
shane gillis
It's funny.
He's funny.
joe rogan
Because I'm not like a sports guy?
shane gillis
Dude, he does this thing where he won't talk shit, but if somebody calls it, like, let's say, all right, Charlie Weiss, he was Notre Dame's coach, he was a fat guy.
Somebody would call in or text and be like, Charlie Weiss is fat.
He would be like, hey, we don't do that stuff here.
We don't call people fat.
I don't think that's funny.
I don't think it's funny to sit around and say, Charlie Weiss is a big fat ass.
mark normand
That's pretty funny.
shane gillis
He does this thing.
Where if somebody else says it...
mark normand
You fucking stupid watch!
shane gillis
If somebody else says it...
mark normand
Sorry.
shane gillis
What is it?
What's the alarm?
It's Friday.
ari shaffir
Every hour.
joe rogan
He has no idea how it works.
mark normand
No idea.
unidentified
It's hilarious.
It just keeps...
mark normand
Keep going.
Dude, you're fucked up.
With a Timex.
joe rogan
Imagine, like, torturing yourself like that.
Putting something on every day.
Never know when it's going to be.
unidentified
Never know when it's going to be.
mark normand
It's a random.
It does it once a day.
joe rogan
He never figures out how to set the time.
shane gillis
I like the way it looks.
joe rogan
He keeps it on.
He never figures out how to set the time.
mark normand
Yeah, I got the time in Russia.
shane gillis
What's wrong with you?
mark normand
Well, I'll tell you that turkey's not feeling so great, by the way.
ari shaffir
We got a turkey from the fridge after warnings not to.
joe rogan
Everybody was like, don't eat that.
mark normand
Oh, man.
joe rogan
Maybe the whiskey would kill it.
unidentified
Maybe that bodega can kill everything.
joe rogan
I'm gurgling.
Didn't, like, fucking people back in the day drink wine to aid in traveler sickness?
mark normand
It was all medicinal booze back in the day.
joe rogan
I think back in the day, too, most of what people drank was beer.
ari shaffir
Yeah, beer saved the world.
It's the only way to get liquids in them.
Right.
joe rogan
Because otherwise, people are drinking out of fucking ponds.
mark normand
Pond water will fuck you.
They didn't know anything.
joe rogan
They just drank water back then.
They didn't have any understanding.
shane gillis
I'll be honest.
I think it might be a Bargassi joke, but I could have never invented a single thing.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
shane gillis
I would have never...
joe rogan
The Sun cited a 1995 study in Hawaii which researchers found that wine was more effective than Pepto-Bismol at combating colonies of E. coli, Salmonella, and Shigella bacteria.
mark normand
Alright.
shane gillis
I don't trust any study from 1995 in Hawaii.
joe rogan
They were selling wine.
mark normand
They eat spam.
joe rogan
Medicinal wine.
mark normand
And poi.
shane gillis
What's wrong with this?
Oh, he's 48. I haven't peed once.
I'm 55. Yeah, well you're fucking doing judo.
He's just a Jew.
unidentified
He's Judo.
mark normand
There it was.
shane gillis
Dude, every once in a while, I'll be going through my fucking Instagram and I'll see that fucking...
You ever see his kick?
mark normand
Ah, the kick is scary.
shane gillis
Holy shit.
What's wrong with you, dude?
Why are you kicking people like that?
joe rogan
He's kicking a bag.
mark normand
I don't do it anymore.
shane gillis
I'm just kicking a bag now.
joe rogan
I always have.
shane gillis
Stop kicking things.
mark normand
Well, your origin story is hearing a kick.
You heard a kick from the street or something, didn't you?
joe rogan
I went to Fenway Park to see a baseball game.
And on the way home, I stopped at this Taekwondo place because I had been taking karate and I was kind of interested in some other martial arts.
And we were waiting for the T, which is like the public transportation.
It's like a long-ass line after a baseball game.
Everybody's waiting to get on.
It takes forever.
So I said, let's go up the stairs and check out this place.
So as we're walking up the stairs to this Taekwondo place, I keep hearing...
And it was this dude, John Lee, kicking this heavy bag so fucking hard that it was flying.
And the cha-ching was the chains.
So it was his heel slamming into this leather heavy bag and sending it flying into the chains.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
And so I walked up and I watched this guy train.
He was a national champion at the time and he was training for the World Cup.
So I caught him like in the peak of his form.
mark normand
Wow.
unidentified
Imagine that.
joe rogan
When I was 15 years old.
mark normand
Imagine just a 3'8 Joe Rogan just sitting there watching you kick and you had no idea what he would become.
shane gillis
Monster.
Those kicks you throw are like genuinely scary.
mark normand
Yeah, yeah.
shane gillis
Genuinely scary.
It was funny when we went out and you were like...
One of you was like, could we take Rogan?
This comes up every podcast.
I was like, no.
joe rogan
This is silly.
shane gillis
The kicks.
ari shaffir
He kicks so hard that if you see it, you'd be like, nah, I'm out.
mark normand
We'd like to see it later.
joe rogan
I'll show you.
Kick Tony.
Sometimes when I get high, in particular, when I get high, I don't believe I really can do it.
When I get high, I don't believe it's this hidden thing that I can do.
When I get high, I pretend that I can't do it.
ari shaffir
- And he's just seeing GSP go, "Wait, wait, show me that?" - Oh! - Yeah, that's cute. - And you see him looking at it, he's like, "Damn." - That was a crazy conversation. - Didn't he do it? - That conversation came about because of John Donaher.
joe rogan
John Donaher was like the biggest wizard in all of jiu-jitsu.
He's like the master splinter of jiu-jitsu.
He's like the best coach.
Literally widely regarded as one of the greatest coaches in jiu-jitsu history, if not the best.
He comes up to me when I was working for the UFC, and he was there with George St. Pierre.
Maybe he wasn't there at that time with George St. Pierre, but he trains with him.
And he was saying to me, he goes, George needs help with his spinning back kick.
Do you know anyone that can help him?
I said, this is going to sound crazy.
I go, but I have a really good spinning back.
I know that's ridiculous.
ari shaffir
You must have thought the goal for me to say this.
joe rogan
It's so much goal.
But I said, just get me in front of a heavy bag and I'll fucking change your mind.
unidentified
Really?
joe rogan
I'll freak you out.
Yeah.
And so I did that with George.
I got him in front of a heavy bag.
And it was kind of difficult situation too because we were just done training jujitsu and the ground was super wet with sweat because everybody had been training and it was like really greasy and it was also like a lot of humidity in the air for everybody.
When people train jujitsu like the fucking walls get greasy.
mark normand
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
Because everybody's just sweating all the time.
So it was slippery.
So I was like, fuck.
So I had to use a towel and try to dry off the floor.
I wanted a real solid, dry floor so I could plow that fucking thing.
So I felt I could kick it even harder if I had a good grip on the floor.
But that was always my specialty.
When I was a Taekwondo guy.
So when I said it to him, I was like, it's such a stupid thing to do if you're a fucking comedian and a commentator.
And you're saying, hey, who's the best coach to show you a spinning back kick?
And I'm like, actually.
shane gillis
Actually, I can do it.
joe rogan
It might be me.
mark normand
Well, that is wild.
And GSP is a lot of pressure.
shane gillis
Did I talk about those last time?
joe rogan
GSP's like super duper humble though.
He's the nicest.
He's so easy to talk to.
shane gillis
Did I talk about this?
mark normand
He did?
shane gillis
He did the bonfire when I was on it.
And GSP came in and I thought it'd be funny to be like, yo, I'll fuck you up.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
And he was like, haha, okay.
joe rogan
My friend.
shane gillis
But there was still a hint of, like, why is this boy saying this?
mark normand
Yeah, yeah.
unidentified
GSP. Who's this giant boy talking to me?
joe rogan
He's one of the best examples of a fighter becoming a non-fighter.
Yes.
Staying an athlete, staying smart, always testing his mind.
mark normand
Great wisdom.
He's got the best off-stage advice.
His shit is philosophical.
You know?
You hear...
Nate Diaz is hilarious and fun to watch.
shane gillis
Nate Diaz is philosophical.
mark normand
Is he?
shane gillis
People sleep on that.
mark normand
I mean, I'm a fan, but you listen to GSP and you're like, oh, this guy's thoughtful.
joe rogan
Listen, you can't fight that hard unless you have some kind of philosophy.
mark normand
Some mental.
joe rogan
There's got to be some ethics and morals of life that he lives his life by.
shane gillis
Ah, whatever.
I'm not going to.
People hear Nate and think, oh, it's just funny.
joe rogan
No, whatever.
Which way are we going to go?
shane gillis
No, I mean, people hear it.
unidentified
I like Nate.
mark normand
He's an amazing watch.
joe rogan
You stop yourself there.
unidentified
What were you doing?
shane gillis
Well, because when I started, like, loving Nate Diaz, I was like, oh, this guy's just funny.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
shane gillis
This rules, this is funny.
And then, like, you slowly realize, like, oh, this is actually, like, a deep philosophy of, like, fuck that, he's a bitch, fuck him.
Like, that's...
Don't get fooled by the verbiage.
It is like a deep...
That's crazy, dude.
ari shaffir
What he said about McGregor, where he's like, if this was a war, you'd be dead.
shane gillis
That's the best.
ari shaffir
If no one's stopping this, you know in two different moments, I would have just killed you.
shane gillis
He's like, I would have taken your family.
ari shaffir
Congrats, there's a bell.
mark normand
It's almost like when a kid says something brilliant.
You're like, oh yeah, that's so poignant.
shane gillis
Nate's scariest.
Nate's scariest shit talk was that first Conor fight when Conor was predicting, he was Mystic Mac, he was predicting his fight.
unidentified
He's like, yeah, I'd probably knock him out in the first round.
He's like, he better get that knockout.
shane gillis
And it was just like, yo.
joe rogan
Dude, I was the first person to sound the alarm for everybody at the UFC. A couple straights.
I was like, hey, hey, hey, before this even got, I go, dude, that guy can win.
This is not a layup.
I go, Nate Diaz is a terrible matchup.
He's a big guy for 155. He's fucking big.
He's got a shitload of experience.
He's super hard to get out of there.
He's the most durable guy maybe ever.
mark normand
You can't get him down.
joe rogan
He takes so many hits.
He's like Jorge stopped him with cuts and then at one time Josh Thompson stopped him with a head kick.
It was a perfect head kick.
shane gillis
20 years ago?
That was 15 years ago.
joe rogan
He's crazy durable.
shane gillis
That Leon Edwards, there's one moment...
mark normand
He had that!
shane gillis
You know what?
I thought that too.
I thought he fucking stunned him and pointed at him.
But I think that point...
He'd been doing that all fight was like...
joe rogan
No, no, he knew he rocked him.
No, I watched it again yesterday.
shane gillis
But then he rushed.
He did try for the...
He did rush for the finish.
He was the final...
He was going for it.
joe rogan
They were exhausted.
It was the end of the fifth round.
shane gillis
Yes.
joe rogan
Okay, you have to take that into consideration.
Also, you have to take into consideration how fucking good Leon Edwards is.
mark normand
He's amazing.
joe rogan
He's got great D. Don't get me going, dude.
mark normand
He's so technical.
ari shaffir
I hate to fight that guy in a war.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
unidentified
Look at the face.
joe rogan
Yeah, he's eventually gonna get you and he doesn't care if he's cut open and bleeding.
It literally doesn't bother him at all.
mark normand
No, he's tough as nails.
shane gillis
And then here comes just a...
joe rogan
So he clips him and then when he clips him, he hurts him.
It's really much more towards like the end of the round.
mark normand
Fifth round, a man left.
shane gillis
It's actually right here.
It's right here.
Right here.
mark normand
Oh, he's bloody.
joe rogan
Oh, there it is.
Exactly.
There it is.
Oh, my goodness.
shane gillis
Now he starts going for it.
joe rogan
He's wonky.
shane gillis
Gives him the middle finger.
Now it's time.
joe rogan
But Leon moved away.
ari shaffir
He let him come back.
joe rogan
But I'm telling you, he didn't have a choice.
shane gillis
He was chasing him.
Why?
joe rogan
Because Leon is still mobile, and you can't just rush in.
If you rush in, you get countered.
ari shaffir
You don't think Nate Diaz looks back and goes, ah, if I rush it without him.
joe rogan
No chance.
No, no, no.
unidentified
No chance.
joe rogan
He fought the right way.
The thing is, if you just rush in, you get KO'd.
It happens all the time.
I see.
Pat Barry versus Czech Congo.
One of the best examples of this ever.
Play that.
Play that.
Because the round just ends.
mark normand
We've got 20 seconds to go.
shane gillis
It's the best, dude.
It's the best.
joe rogan
But after that, Pat Barry and Cech Kong go.
Because I want to show you something.
Because it's one of the greatest examples of someone who opens up too much trying to finish someone and gets knocked out.
ari shaffir
Look at the elbow there.
shane gillis
Justin Bieber going nuts.
mark normand
Alright, we've got seven seconds.
Oh, God.
shane gillis
Now it's over.
Now it's over.
mark normand
Okay, okay.
shane gillis
Man.
joe rogan
How did he lose that?
He lost because he lost most of the rounds.
mark normand
I see.
joe rogan
Because Leon is now the welterweight champion of the world.
He's like super good.
But if you watch Czech Congo versus Pat Berry.
mark normand
I'm a fan.
joe rogan
So Pat Berry rocks Czech Congo and has him really badly hurt.
It looks like he's minutes away from getting stopped.
I mean, seconds away.
He falls down.
He's all out of it.
And Pat's trying to finish him off.
And he opens up.
And when he opens up, he gets clipped.
So he drops him.
Watch this.
Because it's one of the greatest comebacks ever.
I mean, he's getting fucking rocked.
shane gillis
He's knocked out.
joe rogan
Look, Pat Barry's going off, right?
mark normand
Oh my god.
ari shaffir
Smart.
shane gillis
Should have been stopped.
joe rogan
And look, he hits him again, drops him again.
shane gillis
Should have been stopped.
joe rogan
So this fight's gone, right?
You think so, right?
shane gillis
I know.
joe rogan
So Pat Barry's still swinging.
But Chet Congo survives, and Pat Barry rushes in and gets clipped.
mark normand
Oh, that's what's great about the sport.
joe rogan
Crazy.
But imagine that.
So that is what could have happened to Nate if he just went right after Leon Edwards.
That's why you have to fight technically.
mark normand
Good point.
joe rogan
So what Nate did was the right thing to do.
He looked for the opportunities to finish.
He tried to finish.
shane gillis
He also took a second to be like, while he was pointing, he wasn't sure if Leon was out.
ari shaffir
Right.
joe rogan
No, he's still fucking with him.
shane gillis
He was still like, the whole fight, you gotta watch the whole fight because the whole time he's like...
joe rogan
Talking shit to him always.
shane gillis
Dude, fucking with this dude.
joe rogan
Yeah, he checked one of his kicks once and pointed to his shin.
shane gillis
Must have been insane.
joe rogan
It's like, oh, that had to hurt.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
You called it.
I texted you about it.
It was the funniest.
I watched the fight this week.
He called it a fucking...
It's a horror movie, dude.
It is a horror movie.
mark normand
Oh, the rock old blood moment?
shane gillis
No, but just...
It's just Nate Diaz isn't going anywhere.
Oh, yeah.
You're Leon Edwards.
You're a freak kickboxer.
You're nasty.
And then here's this dude that's not leaving.
joe rogan
Listen to this.
shane gillis
And every time you hit him...
unidentified
That's good.
shane gillis
Occasionally you hit him and he goes...
You got me on that one.
joe rogan
People need to understand.
shane gillis
It's more scary.
It's so scary.
mark normand
He likes it.
He's like Mike Myers.
He just keeps coming.
shane gillis
Yeah, he just keeps walking.
joe rogan
He's fighting Hamza Chemaev, right?
But it's a main event, correct?
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
So if it's the main event, that means it's five rounds.
shane gillis
It is.
joe rogan
If it's five rounds, that's...
shane gillis
That's Nate's works.
joe rogan
Nate, he has the fourth and fifth round.
The fifth round, that motherfucker doesn't get tired.
ari shaffir
It's funny, he gasses in the third?
He's like, oh, that was a rest period.
I'm back for four and five.
joe rogan
But he never gasses.
mark normand
Hazmat's going to get him on the ground.
That's my prediction.
shane gillis
Nate's pretty good on the ground, dude.
mark normand
He's pretty good, but this guy's unreal on the ground.
joe rogan
Leon Edwards out-grappled Nate in their fight, I have to say.
Leon did out-grapple Nate in that fight, but that's just because Nate was probably looking to strike, and he got surprised by Leon, who's really predominantly known as a striker, although he's very well-rounded, obviously.
He's predominantly known as a striker, and Nate probably didn't think that that would ever be his strategy, to go to the ground with him.
But also you gotta realize that Nate has fought at 155. He fought Connor at 155. That's where he was like maybe at his optimal frame.
These guys, Hamza fought at 185. That's a big guy.
He knocked out Gerald Murchardt with one punch at 185. See if you can find that.
Because this is how fucking good this guy is.
shane gillis
Hamzat's good.
joe rogan
Dangerous.
He's dangerous.
But, Nate Diaz is the most durable motherfucker that's ever lived.
That's why it's a recipe for a wild fight.
Because, like, watch this fight.
This is how good Hamzat is.
He's scary good.
And by the way, he's known as a grappler.
Like, he's not even known as being a striker.
But if he can do shit like this, that was it.
ari shaffir
It wouldn't play.
joe rogan
It wouldn't play.
Oh, here it goes.
Watch this.
mark normand
Who's this honky?
joe rogan
And by the way, he fights mostly at 170. This is at 185, right?
So he's not that lean, because he didn't have to cut weight.
ari shaffir
Looks like little Jim Duggan.
joe rogan
Look at this.
Watch this.
mark normand
Is this COVID years?
Oh, yeah.
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Watch this shit.
mark normand
Oh, that guy knew it was coming, too.
You could see it in his eyes.
ari shaffir
Oh, my God.
joe rogan
Dangerous motherfucker.
ari shaffir
It wasn't even a counter, was it?
joe rogan
He's dangerous.
No, it was one straight right hand.
unidentified
Terrified.
joe rogan
He just closed him off.
shane gillis
His first, like, three fights, he hadn't been hit.
He'd been hit twice.
unidentified
Yeah.
ari shaffir
He didn't even swing.
He didn't swing!
joe rogan
Well, he just caught him clean.
ari shaffir
He was avoiding it like I avoid homeless people.
Just wave and then make a move.
joe rogan
He was trying to find his...
mark normand
Easy.
joe rogan
Merchardt's very good.
Merchardt just knocked out Bruno Silva.
mark normand
He's really good.
joe rogan
For that guy to knock that guy out...
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
That's a big deal.
mark normand
That's why it's the best sport, though, because, like, I'm not a big football guy, not a big basketball guy, but I love this because you get to know the guy.
Like, that Hamzak guy is a fucking psycho weirdo.
He probably had a crazy childhood.
You see Khabib wrestling a bear.
joe rogan
Oh, he had a crazy childhood.
mark normand
Yeah, you're like, that's...
joe rogan
He's from Chechnya, bro.
mark normand
That's what's fun about him.
joe rogan
Those are hard-ass people.
shane gillis
Ah, Nate, bro.
joe rogan
Las Vegas, kids.
Nate, such a personality.
shane gillis
I knew I was going to get drunk and gay for Nate.
ari shaffir
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is that...
Is that...
Skankfest weekend?
shane gillis
No.
joe rogan
No.
mark normand
You wish.
shane gillis
A month after.
A month before.
This is next weekend.
mark normand
Damn.
Skankfest is October in Vegas.
Check it out.
joe rogan
Next weekend, kids.
ari shaffir
That is Shroomfest.
joe rogan
What are you guys doing next weekend?
mark normand
Oh, Ferguson.
shane gillis
I think I'm with you.
joe rogan
You going to fights?
shane gillis
I'm going to this fucking thing.
I thought we were going to this.
mark normand
I'm with Bert.
joe rogan
We're going to this.
We talked about it.
mark normand
I'm doing the fully loaded makeup date.
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
Oh, what happened?
shane gillis
No, that's this weekend.
joe rogan
The date got canceled?
mark normand
Is that this weekend?
shane gillis
Yeah, this weekend.
This weekend I'm going to Notre Dame, Ohio State.
Fuck you, Jamie.
joe rogan
It's next weekend.
mark normand
What's up, bro?
shane gillis
This weekend you do that?
joe rogan
Next weekend is the fights.
mark normand
Oh, well, hold on.
Let me check.
joe rogan
9th and 10th.
9th is the weigh-in.
10th is the...
mark normand
I think I'm at a dumb club.
Ah, you hate to hear Richmond funny bone.
unidentified
Ooh.
shane gillis
Man, that hurts.
mark normand
I'm going to be getting knocked out.
ari shaffir
That's not even like a braggy one.
unidentified
You know it's funny?
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
I texted you as soon as this came out.
joe rogan
If you guys ever want to come to any of them.
ari shaffir
We should all get one before we schedule stuff.
How far out is the UFC schedule?
joe rogan
Three, four events.
ari shaffir
Can I tell you one of my favorite experiences at UFC? It's when randomly we didn't get the good seats.
mark normand
Wait a minute, let me just say this.
ari shaffir
We always get the good seats.
Say it?
Okay.
We're way up there.
Diaz brought acid.
And we're like, let's all do acid.
joe rogan
Oh yes!
shane gillis
Joey.
ari shaffir
Joey Diaz.
shane gillis
The third Diaz brother.
ari shaffir
The honorary Diaz brother.
We're up there, and we're like, I think Joey's calling you, and you know we're on acid.
You're like a little jealous, but also like, oh, I'm going to make some money here.
joe rogan
Yeah, because I would bring them to the shows, they would party, and I'd be like, fuck, I wish I could party.
shane gillis
That was the first time I met Nate.
Me and him did a show in Brea or Irvine.
joe rogan
Yeah, Irvine.
shane gillis
And then I was like, oh shit, I can go chill with Nate and his bros.
And he was like, fuck, I gotta do a fucking interview.
I can't go out tonight.
joe rogan
I couldn't go out that night.
Because if I went out until like 4 o'clock in the morning, I'd look like hell warmed over.
shane gillis
And then we got breakfast the next morning and Joe was like, what was it like?
How was it?
It was the best night of my life.
mark normand
Wow, is that Turtle from Entourage?
Who's that guy on the left?
joe rogan
It would have been fun.
I love Nate.
I love Nate.
I want to have him on the podcast.
shane gillis
Let's go to the after party.
Let's go to the after party.
ari shaffir
After party.
Why not?
joe rogan
Let's go.
mark normand
Bring Cormier.
shane gillis
Can we?
Will you go?
joe rogan
I will go.
mark normand
Oh, we're in.
joe rogan
Okay, we're in.
shane gillis
All right.
joe rogan
I will go.
mark normand
Very exciting.
ari shaffir
So we're all up there.
We're flipping out.
And then Joey's like, hey, talking to Rogan.
And he's like, where are you guys?
And we see him way down like a dot.
He's like, we're up in this section.
And he just looks around.
And then he finally sees us.
And Joe just starts jumping up and down.
unidentified
I'm like, yeah!
ari shaffir
I see you guys!
And it goes back to calling fucking death matches.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
I haven't gone to see one live without being working, without being a commentator for 20 years.
I went to the one in Austin.
I had the fucking best time.
Went on a double date with Hinchcliffe and his girl and my wife.
We had the fucking best time, man.
I invited a bunch of friends.
We all sat down.
Brigham was there.
What did I see?
unidentified
Booth?
ari shaffir
Where did you sit?
joe rogan
It was right there on the fucking floor, right in front of the cage.
Right in front of the cage.
It was amazing.
So much fun.
mark normand
You've seen the reaction videos of you and shit.
Those are so great.
shane gillis
Yeah.
mark normand
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
When Leon knocked out Kamara, it was just like...
mark normand
Pull it up!
joe rogan
It's like you can't believe it's real.
That's the thing that that sport gives you, what Lorenzo Fertitta called, oh shit moments.
Every UFC card has an oh shit moment, and that's why this sport is so fucking exciting.
ari shaffir
You don't see other sports where the commentator is also a fan.
mark normand
It's like you're looking at a monster coming at you.
joe rogan
And because I love DC so much, when he freaks out about a fight and I freak out about a fight, we lock eyes together.
It's like, what the fuck did we just see, bro?
unidentified
That's beautiful.
joe rogan
Watch this when it turns.
Watch when we look at each other like, what the fuck?
We lock eyes to eyes.
We're like, what the fuck did we just see, bro?
What the fuck did we just see?
mark normand
He's a two-division world champion!
joe rogan
And it even affects him!
That's how primal this sport...
Watch this moment.
Watch this moment.
Watch this.
But watch when we look at each other.
Like, what the fuck?
Watch this.
What the fuck did we just see?
It's like, what the fuck did we just see?
unidentified
What the fuck did we just see?
mark normand
Nice job, J-Bo!
joe rogan
Nailed it!
Those moments, and you gotta realize that for that guy, that guy's a...
He's a two-division world champion, and me, I've seen like a thousand fights!
mark normand
Even the women care!
joe rogan
Everybody cares.
Everybody's freaked the fuck out.
ari shaffir
Look at Tony!
shane gillis
Yo, how nice is that video of Leon's trainers talking to him?
joe rogan
Oh, it's amazing.
unidentified
Like, come on, boy!
joe rogan
Yeah, it's amazing.
unidentified
You gotta pull this out of the fucking fire!
mark normand
And they call him Rocky.
joe rogan
There's one that's done to the Rocky soundtrack.
shane gillis
Yeah, that's the best one.
joe rogan
Because that's his nickname.
shane gillis
His nickname's Rocky.
He's talking, come on, Rocky!
Put yourself up!
unidentified
You gotta make it ugly, Rocky.
Stop feeling bad for yourself.
joe rogan
Bro, and he lands the greatest head kick in the history of combat sports.
The most consequences.
That was the most consequences.
A down in a fight with the world champion.
mark normand
Can we see the kick?
shane gillis
Don't get me going.
unidentified
What are you doing?
mark normand
He's got ice on his head.
joe rogan
It's one on one.
Come on.
unidentified
Come on, Leon.
Where's he from?
shane gillis
England.
unidentified
Come on.
joe rogan
Don't make him bully you, Leon.
unidentified
Don't let him bully you, Leon.
joe rogan
Don't let him bully you son!
unidentified
Sit down!
Sit down!
Listen, listen!
You gotta get f***ing out of here!
Wow!
joe rogan
Wow.
shane gillis
Goddamn.
unidentified
Yeah.
shane gillis
Do you see what happens?
mark normand
Yeah, I've seen the fight.
unidentified
I haven't seen this.
joe rogan
That's a corner man right there.
That's a fucking corner man right there.
shane gillis
That's what you need.
unidentified
Stop feeling sorry.
Come on then!
joe rogan
You gotta pull this shit out of the fire.
This is incredible.
mark normand
Unreal.
shane gillis
Damn, that's...
joe rogan
Holy shit.
mark normand
That goes a long way.
joe rogan
Especially when...
There's a relationship like some fighters have with their trainers.
It's very special.
If your coach is screaming at you in the corner like that and you go out there and do it.
mark normand
It's like a parent.
ari shaffir
It lines it up.
mark normand
See, I have a theory that fighters, we're kind of like fighters, but with cities.
You know, like, I need a corner man in Syracuse.
When I'm bobbing, I need a guy being like, the funny bone, you got this, don't feel sorry for yourself.
unidentified
Yeah, their arms are crossed, they're looking at their phones.
mark normand
We gotta go out there!
shane gillis
Round one knockout, like, hey, how's everyone doing?
It's not going well, mate!
mark normand
They hate me!
unidentified
They hate me out there!
joe rogan
You gotta do some crowd work!
mark normand
Go dirtier!
Say fuck more!
joe rogan
We're firemen!
unidentified
The concentration's weaving a little bit.
shane gillis
Teddy Atlas, bro.
joe rogan
fucking man.
unidentified
30 seconds.
The fire's coming!
We are firemen!
The heat doesn't bother us!
mark normand
We live in the heat!
unidentified
We train in the heat!
It tells us that we're ready.
We're at home.
We're where we're supposed to be.
Flames don't intimidate us.
What do we do?
We control the flames.
mark normand
We control the flames.
unidentified
We move the flames where we want to.
And then we extinguish it.
joe rogan
That guy goes and gets knocked out.
That's Sandy Bradley.
shane gillis
One punch.
ari shaffir
Dude, you know what?
Greg Jackson used to always ask me about, like, what do you do?
And, like, if the comedy's not going well or if something happens, like, how do you, like, change?
I'm like, why do you keep asking me these questions?
joe rogan
Because he's interested in psychology.
ari shaffir
Yeah, he goes, he goes, all art forms have unique, like, things that are true to all art forms.
And he goes, if I can understand what comedians have to go through, I can apply that to fighting.
joe rogan
That's why Miyamoto Musashi would study calligraphy and poetry.
ari shaffir
Damn.
joe rogan
Yeah, that was his idea, that you could see the way in everything.
It would help him, greatest sword fighter that ever lived.
shane gillis
Really?
joe rogan
Killed 60 people in one-on-one combat.
unidentified
I have a gun.
mark normand
What?
Never heard of this guy.
shane gillis
I would use a gun.
joe rogan
Yeah.
That would be better than a sword.
shane gillis
The greatest sword fighter of all time, I would go, bang.
joe rogan
From a distance.
shane gillis
I'd be like, I haven't trained once.
joe rogan
Do you know that that was supposedly impromptu?
ari shaffir
You're better than me.
mark normand
The pen is mightier.
joe rogan
You know supposedly that was impromptu?
shane gillis
That scene?
ari shaffir
Really?
joe rogan
That when he pulled a gun out and shot him, that that was like an ad-lib?
unidentified
No.
mark normand
Oh, really?
ari shaffir
Great scene.
joe rogan
Make fun if that's true, because someone told me that.
mark normand
Good improv.
shane gillis
Hilarious improv.
joe rogan
Yeah, hilarious improv.
That was a great way to handle something like that.
I heard that it was supposed to be some sort of crazy choreographed thing where the guy swings a sword and he misses, but then, you know, he just tried it.
ari shaffir
And just walked away.
unidentified
And it worked.
joe rogan
Harrison Ford's like, bang, I'll just shoot this dude.
mark normand
How about that Anne Heche?
shane gillis
Tunisia.
ari shaffir
I want to go to Tunisia.
mark normand
No, you don't.
shane gillis
You know what the capital is to worry about that vaccine?
mark normand
I have to listen to the interview to listen to this.
unidentified
You don't Does it say was that five minutes long?
ari shaffir
We can't is it Tunisia City?
mark normand
Been shooting is supposed to shoot.
joe rogan
Oh here it is.
We were supposed to shoot this huge fight between the whip and the sword and It took the whole morning just to shoot three storyboards.
At lunch, Marshall went to talk to director Spielberg to explain the production was taking longer than anticipated.
The brief meeting turned out to be impetus for Hollywood history.
Ford was not feeling well, and talk emerged to nix the big fight in lieu of something a bit quicker.
Okay, so no one will say who said what, and then somehow somebody said, I've got this gun, why don't I just use it?
And so the guy, whoever the instigator, the idea got the ball rolling.
After lunch, we did three shots, and we were two days ahead of schedule, and it's the biggest moment in the movie.
mark normand
There you go.
joe rogan
Yeah, sometimes it's better.
Sometimes it's a funny punchline to just pull out a gun and say, get that fucking stupid sword out of my face.
ari shaffir
That's how dumb movies are.
You can just fucking impress something and do better.
mark normand
Well, it's like a bit.
You ever write like a bit for six months and it's getting eh, and then you riff one thing after it, it kills, and you're like, damn it, really?
joe rogan
Do you do anything else other than comedy that you really like to do?
mark normand
I used to.
Skateboarding was like my love.
joe rogan
Skateboarding?
mark normand
I loved it, but you get so old and you get banged up and it's hard to keep up.
ari shaffir
I like traveling.
I like getting lost in the world.
joe rogan
Yeah, I know you love travel.
That's like a sport for you almost.
I think that's important for comics.
I think it's important for everybody to have other stuff that you're into.
But I think there's a thing, almost like a cross-training element to it, of doing other stuff that I think applies to stand-up.
mark normand
Oh, yeah.
I mean, skateboarding is the same.
It's just you work on a trick over and over and over, and you finally nail it, then you can do it like second nature.
ari shaffir
It's amazing with borders, too, when you see the videos, try, try, try, try, try, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, and then hit it, and now I'll hit it every time.
mark normand
Yeah, exactly.
It's like a bit.
You gotta just keep tweaking it.
Oh, don't pull this.
shane gillis
This is embarrassing.
mark normand
But this is me.
Is that Tompkins?
Yeah, these kids hit me up and they run a skateboard magazine.
They're like, we heard you used to skate.
We'll take you out.
ari shaffir
That's great.
mark normand
And we did it.
I'm so rusty, but this is my whole life.
shane gillis
Damn, Mark!
unidentified
Damn, Mark!
mark normand
I mean, this is sloppy as hell.
joe rogan
What?
mark normand
Skills!
We used to do this from like 9am to 9pm growing up.
unidentified
Wow.
ari shaffir
Even a fucking rail slide.
mark normand
It was my whole life.
You know, we had no internet.
Look at Dad, dude.
It was fun.
Now there's all these young kids out there.
ari shaffir
Wow, you're really good.
unidentified
Damn, dude.
joe rogan
That's pretty impressive.
mark normand
Well, look how hurt I am.
I'm a mess.
joe rogan
Yeah, you should probably be prepared.
mark normand
I landed it.
It's a 50-50 pop, shove it out.
ari shaffir
That's what I was going to say.
joe rogan
That's what she said.
mark normand
Nobody was watching.
We'd just do it for each other.
You jump downstairs.
You slide down a rail.
ari shaffir
I like the camaraderie in skating where as soon as somebody hits it, everybody runs in and hugs them.
And it's everyone trying to be the first.
It doesn't matter.
Just somebody nailed it.
mark normand
Yes.
ari shaffir
And everyone's like, yes!
joe rogan
Do you think it's like that four-minute mile thing?
And once someone breaks it, then other people know they can do it?
mark normand
Tony Hawk, the 900. Once he did it, kids are doing that shit at skate parks.
Like, ten-year-old kids are doing 900s now.
joe rogan
Do you think that applies?
Doesn't that apply to everything?
Doesn't that apply to comedy, too?
mark normand
Yes.
joe rogan
Like, when someone really is awesome and kills it, and they have, like, an insane special, and then everybody's like, whoa.
mark normand
That's it.
ari shaffir
That was great.
joe rogan
And everybody ramps up.
Or when you see someone come into the comedy show like Chris Rock or something, he just fucking crushes.
mark normand
Oh yeah.
joe rogan
And everybody like, whoa!
And it elevates everybody.
mark normand
Yeah, I think that's why school shootings keep happening.
I think it's the, uh...
joe rogan
Oh, stop.
mark normand
You son of a bitch.
I think it's the, uh, what do you call it?
The copycat.
ari shaffir
The one-upsmanship.
mark normand
Yeah, like he did it, I can do it.
joe rogan
I can get more than eight.
You're 100% correct.
mark normand
It's not the, what's wrong with society today?
No, it's just go, oh, one kid did it, I'll do it.
shane gillis
Or we're drugging up the kids.
joe rogan
A preponderance of mental illness.
There's a lot, I mean, it's all mentally ill people.
That's 100% of the problem.
ari shaffir
And American marksmanship is number one.
joe rogan
I mean, there's a lot of debate about what the tools are used, but at the end of the day, it's 100% the problem is that there's mentally ill people that are capable of doing that.
mark normand
But weren't there mentally ill people in 1955 and they didn't shoot up a school?
joe rogan
I think there's also the thing that once something gets done, just like a skateboarding trick, people realize it can be done.
mark normand
It's possible.
It can be done.
joe rogan
And then they start doing it.
I think that's just a natural thing of humans with everything we do, whether it's things we love or even things that we hate.
There's like a thing where someone does something and someone wants to do it better.
That's why war is so fucking scary.
Because if one nation shows that they're willing to kill your people indiscriminately, you can show that you're willing to kill all their people.
And today, that's a real possibility.
That's why when you see some shit that's happening in Ukraine, that's like the bar fight outside of the pub that turns into a fucking world war.
That's like this little scrap that you go, you gotta keep your eye on that, because this could be a fucking gang fight, and if you run out of the house with the wrong affiliation, you get gunned down in a drive-by.
Like, that happens all over the world, right?
We know that happens.
That could happen everywhere in the world.
That's what we're fucking terrified of now.
We were talking earlier about people not understanding what other countries are like.
Like, man, they don't have any say in what the fuck goes down.
They got zero say.
We have a little say.
We have more say than anybody else.
More say than anybody else.
It's still corrupted and fucked up.
We got the most say.
And it's us going, what the fuck that's going to save this thing?
It's like, that's one of the only things that's going to save this thing, is people realizing, like, this is crazy.
mark normand
Yeah.
Isn't it crazy?
I was just in Portland, Maine.
I'm looking at my hotel window.
I'm on the ninth floor.
And there's a big barracks on an island with all these holes in a wall for cannons.
That was the whole thing.
It was just, people are going to try to kill us, and we've got to kill them first.
ari shaffir
Be ready to fight them off.
mark normand
That was every form of life back then.
joe rogan
When I say us, I don't mean us.
mark normand
You think?
shane gillis
Yeah, but we don't need a fort with cannons.
We just have a missile defense system.
It's the exact same thing.
It's always been there.
joe rogan
When I say us, I mean most rational people that are listening to this and understand what the fuck we're saying.
I don't mean us in this room.
I mean, like, most people who listen to this are like, what the fuck is going on?
Like, what are we doing?
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
There's gonna come a point in time.
What'd you do?
shane gillis
I don't know.
Jay, you gave me this fucking eagle bong.
ari shaffir
Funnel?
You're a funnel?
shane gillis
It works.
mark normand
I gotta piss.
shane gillis
You have to do one.
joe rogan
You're a history guy.
shane gillis
Will you report?
joe rogan
Do you ever anticipate a time where there's not a thing like nations, where people control giant chunks of land and they have rules?
I don't know.
shane gillis
There hasn't been yet.
joe rogan
Is it ever possible?
ari shaffir
I think it is.
You break down barriers and bottom up...
Like, power, and you break down barriers, like, hey, let's all just vote.
joe rogan
Right, but here's the question.
Do you think it would ever be a decentralized one-world government, or would it be a centralized one-world government?
Because that's like some World Economic Forum scary shit.
ari shaffir
I think probably both of them.
joe rogan
So that's the battle, right?
The battle is to figure out whether or not we all run this thing in a way that works well for everybody, or we let people run it in a way that works well for them.
ari shaffir
Say that again.
Say that again.
Or we let people run it.
joe rogan
In a way that works well for them.
So run the whole world in a world in a way that works well for everybody.
Like some sort of a distribution of resources, fix places that are economically fucked up, or let the people that are profiting the most run it in a way that benefits them, which is what they've always done.
ari shaffir
I think it's a battle back and forth.
joe rogan
Right, exactly.
ari shaffir
The down was like, we want to be represented.
And the top is like, no, we just want our own shit.
joe rogan
So who wins?
shane gillis
I don't know.
America's pretty perfect if the people up top aren't bought.
joe rogan
But they're all bought.
ari shaffir
But they're always bought.
shane gillis
Now they are, yeah.
joe rogan
That's like, all my girlfriends would be great if they weren't hookers.
But they're all hookers.
Yeah, I know, but...
Imagine if you're only dating hookers.
shane gillis
Yeah, but the next one might not be a hooker.
ari shaffir
Maybe.
That's like the idea of...
shane gillis
You gotta get rid of these hookers.
ari shaffir
A smart 10. Where it's like, nah, you're just never gonna get that.
You never get a politician who's like, not corruptible.
joe rogan
You're gonna get a smart 10. These do rule, by the way.
What you're not gonna get is someone who has the character of someone who grew up unattractive.
shane gillis
Okay.
joe rogan
Right?
ari shaffir
What?
Right.
joe rogan
You're not gonna get the character of someone who grew up unattractive.
You don't get a Joey Diaz if he's beautiful.
shane gillis
Right.
joe rogan
You know, you get a Joey Diaz if he's like, this guy, he's not that good looking, but he's got a fucking fantastic personality.
ari shaffir
But you keep thinking it's possible.
Right.
Like, there's gotta be an uncorrupted politician.
But it's like, not really.
joe rogan
I don't think there's any of them that are totally uncorrupted, but there's got to be some of them that have morals that are more in line with keeping society healthy as possible while also getting rich.
Because they all get rich.
Are you going to make him do this?
shane gillis
He'll be fine.
joe rogan
He's not going to be fine.
shane gillis
It's going to be cold.
ari shaffir
I'm a grown-up.
joe rogan
He's already had three and two whiskeys.
mark normand
Uh-oh.
shane gillis
Do it for the troops.
joe rogan
Do we have a cooler nearby?
mark normand
We need Ari to get a rascal to get out of here.
shane gillis
It's a little chilly, but you got it.
Look at that.
How fun and easy that is.
Joe, you're next.
joe rogan
I love how you're drinking out of an Eagles asshole.
mark normand
There you go.
shane gillis
Yes.
joe rogan
I'll do one of those.
unidentified
Yeah!
mark normand
God bless America.
shane gillis
Aren't Eagles scavengers?
mark normand
They're bald.
shane gillis
Kinda.
joe rogan
I'm not scared of Ari's E. coli either, because I had wine earlier.
ari shaffir
You should be scared of herpes.
mark normand
It's all that mustache.
joe rogan
I already have lip herpes, so good luck.
unidentified
Do you?
joe rogan
Yeah, I got the lip.
I had it since I was a child.
mark normand
Let me do mine before his.
joe rogan
Cold sores?
I had them since I was like a little kid.
shane gillis
I was getting them in fifth grade.
unidentified
Nothing mattered.
shane gillis
I don't even remember when I got them.
ari shaffir
I never had one.
joe rogan
College people were like, do you think you got those from grandma kissing you?
shane gillis
No, I got those from my dad drinking out of the fucking orange juice.
My dad ate some herpes.
joe rogan
That makes sense.
If you're in a house with people in the 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s, nobody thought about that.
shane gillis
You have herpes.
mark normand
I've never had one on my lip.
I bet I'm on my dick.
Hold on.
shane gillis
Really?
mark normand
No, I'm joking.
joe rogan
Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen, going for it.
mark normand
I can't believe I never had herpes.
unidentified
Fuck yeah.
joe rogan
Anything I need to know?
Coming to save.
ari shaffir
Have fun.
joe rogan
Thank you.
shane gillis
I mean, America is the best.
ari shaffir
America is the best.
shane gillis
It's the best place I've ever lived.
I was just in Australia.
Anytime I go to another country, I get there and I'm like...
joe rogan
I love Australia.
shane gillis
What do you guys do?
Australia might be number two.
ari shaffir
Australia's awesome.
shane gillis
Australia might be number two.
joe rogan
I talk to my wife about that.
I go, shit goes totally sideways and we're involved in some serious war.
shane gillis
What the fuck is this, dude?
You might need to move to France.
ari shaffir
You're gonna save some for later?
shane gillis
Why are you sick?
Why are you doing that?
ari shaffir
I bet there's more in there.
mark normand
Ah, it's so cold.
ari shaffir
I bet there's more in there.
shane gillis
Why are you that gay?
joe rogan
You're not even done.
You're not even done.
ari shaffir
He's taking sips.
shane gillis
Why'd you do that, dude?
joe rogan
Some backwash.
We need Norman to do...
shane gillis
You ruined the whole vibe, dude.
joe rogan
Norman's got to do one of those in the cold plunge.
mark normand
A cold plunge?
unidentified
No way.
ari shaffir
He's sipping a fucking funnel.
shane gillis
Do it in the cold plunge.
mark normand
I was thinking about Australia.
shane gillis
I've never been in New Zealand.
joe rogan
Have you been in New Zealand?
ari shaffir
No, I want to.
joe rogan
We should do a show in New Zealand.
ari shaffir
I'm down.
joe rogan
Let's go fuck New Zealand up.
ari shaffir
We gotta take like a week and a half there, though.
shane gillis
Let's go.
unidentified
Ari's like, we gotta move there for at least three months to absorb the culture.
We gotta live with people in a hostel.
I was like, we can't just turn around and come home.
joe rogan
We're coming right back.
shane gillis
I was saying that with Mark.
We saw the club.
I was like, yo, we'll get a house down here for at least a month.
unidentified
For a month?
mark normand
Do the club?
ari shaffir
Yeah, do a month of workouts.
mark normand
That club is a banger.
Let's get a nice house for a month or two.
ari shaffir
Let's stop for a moment.
That club looks good, dude.
mark normand
It's exciting.
unidentified
Killer.
joe rogan
Shout out to Louis C.K. for giving me some solid advice on how to finish it.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
Some awesome advice.
mark normand
It's going to be great.
Yeah, we'll do some writing in there.
shane gillis
The stage is too low.
joe rogan
Watch this, Norm.
This is how a man does it.
shane gillis
It is cold.
ari shaffir
It is cold.
Damn, Joe.
mark normand
Holy shit.
shane gillis
Oh, Joe.
unidentified
Man.
Wow.
mark normand
Holy shit.
shane gillis
That was really something.
joe rogan
That's how men does it.
unidentified
I like to enjoy the pills now.
joe rogan
You just conquer your inner bitch and just suck it down.
mark normand
Holy hell.
ari shaffir
Dude, I got some advice for a cold plunge.
Some guy who listens to your podcast a bunch, he goes, here's how you do it.
Say, I'm a fucking warrior?
Cold means nothing to me!
unidentified
Go!
ari shaffir
I was like, okay!
joe rogan
But you'd be like, well, that's not true.
So why are you talking to myself?
We've got other problems that aren't going to be solved by this fucking Cold War.
Why are we going to an existential crisis if you haven't lied to himself?
mark normand
Damn, that feels like college.
That woke me up.
joe rogan
You want another one?
If you can do it, it'll make your life better.
If you can get in that thing every day, it'll make your life better.
It really will.
mark normand
It's good for the organs.
joe rogan
It's good for your brain.
It's good for your brain.
It makes you happy.
When you get out of there, you feel really good.
Like, a big part of people's problem, I think, is inflammation, and there's something that happens with cold exposure where there's this wild rush of blood after it's over and your brain produces norepinephrine and all these, like, beautiful chemicals that make you feel good while you're warming up.
You feel fucking great, dude.
If it was a pill, if getting in a cold plunge every day was a pill, everybody would be on it.
I'm telling you.
mark normand
Three minutes a day.
shane gillis
You ever do Adderall?
joe rogan
No.
shane gillis
That's actually rules.
Adderall in the fucking cold punch of your shit.
Adderall rules.
mark normand
I got to tell you what's up, man.
shane gillis
You got Adderall?
mark normand
I got some music.
shane gillis
I've never done- I've done stand-up like twice on Adderall.
mark normand
You're so quick.
shane gillis
No, I bomb.
You and me are way different.
unidentified
Joey said that about coke.
joe rogan
Joey said that about coke.
He said he couldn't do coke and do stand-up.
He said I can't connect with the audience.
shane gillis
I can't do Adderall and do stand-up.
joe rogan
What did you feel?
mark normand
Little dick.
shane gillis
What's new, pussycat?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy money.
What is it, though?
I don't know.
Everything's serious.
When you take Adderall, there's nothing funny.
ari shaffir
Now flip that to Molly on stage.
shane gillis
The first time I did Molly, I was on stage.
Big J brought me on stage.
It was my show in Philly.
I was there!
You were there.
It was the first time you did Molly.
joe rogan
How blasted were you?
shane gillis
It was right when it hit.
It was the first time it ever hit me in my life.
I was hosting this show in Philly.
It was at Helium in Philly.
And they were letting us hang out during COVID. It was the only place we could party.
So we would do a show once a month.
Every two weeks we would go do a show.
And then we did Molly and Big J was like, Shane, come back out here.
And I came back out, and right when he said, Shane, come back out here, I was in the green room, and just a wave hit me.
And I was like, holy shit.
I never felt that.
And then I went on stage, and I couldn't show my face.
mark normand
Yeah, it wasn't pretty.
shane gillis
But it was all fans.
It was all fans.
joe rogan
So they all saw you do stand-up.
shane gillis
Oh, yeah.
I mean, they were there for me.
It was my show.
joe rogan
Oh, that's perfect.
shane gillis
But they were like, we love you, and I was like...
joe rogan
Did you tell them you were on Molly?
shane gillis
Yeah, of course.
Oh, that's perfect.
You can't not say that.
I was like, I'm on Ecstasy, I'm high as shit.
joe rogan
I went on stage once on Acid, and I told the audience, and I could feel them tense up.
ari shaffir
Because they're like, ooh, how's it going?
joe rogan
I go, I'm on acid right now.
And they're like, oh.
shane gillis
What, were you headlocking?
joe rogan
No, no, it was a set at the store.
I wouldn't do like a whole hour on acid.
shane gillis
That would be nuts.
unidentified
That's weird.
mark normand
It seems like they'd be like, oh, this is fun.
joe rogan
No, it was fun.
It was fun.
But there was a moment where they're like, oh my god, are you going to go crazy?
ari shaffir
Because acid's one of those...
Molly's not like, you're not going to scream and run.
joe rogan
I go, I'm fine.
I go, I'm fine.
It's like a really low dose.
I'm just really happy you're all here.
And then I just went into the material.
But there was a weird moment where it was like, oh, no.
Like, I could feel...
When you tell people you're on mushrooms, they go, oh, you're silly.
You're on asses, like, oh, my God.
Are you a Manson?
ari shaffir
Right.
joe rogan
What are you going to do?
Are you going to go crazy?
mark normand
Michael Richards should have said that.
I was on acid.
unidentified
Yeah.
joe rogan
If he had a good PR person, that's the perfect excuse.
mark normand
Perfect way out.
joe rogan
He was on acid.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
I fucked up.
I'm deeply sorry.
This is a dangerous drug.
We need to ban it from society.
unidentified
Yeah, I'll never do it again.
joe rogan
But acid is the one, right?
That's the one that people associate with going crazy.
ari shaffir
Oh, totally.
Acid is getting stuck that way, they say.
mark normand
Right.
joe rogan
Fuck your brain up.
That's the guy from The Who.
unidentified
Townsend?
ari shaffir
Tommy?
joe rogan
No, what was it?
Pink Floyd, sorry.
shane gillis
Pink Floyd, the guy lost his mind.
ari shaffir
Roger Waters.
joe rogan
No, Keith Moon, right?
mark normand
Yeah, Moon is, he went crazy.
shane gillis
Wish you were ears about him, right?
joe rogan
Yeah, it's about acid.
Yeah.
Who else?
A bunch of people have gone cuckoo from acid, right?
mark normand
Yeah, I think so.
joe rogan
Oh, Ted Kaczynski, that guy.
shane gillis
Whitey Bulger.
Sid Barrett.
You want to talk MKUltra?
joe rogan
Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute.
mark normand
Oh, Sid Barrett.
joe rogan
Sid Barrett.
Him too, huh?
ari shaffir
Fuck off with your fucking sign up.
joe rogan
Oh, so Sid Barrett was the psycho.
Oh, he was the one who went crazy.
shane gillis
No, but it was also Pink Floyd.
I thought this was Rolling Stones.
Never mind.
joe rogan
So who did we think it was?
Who did we think it was?
mark normand
I'm so high.
You said who.
joe rogan
My memory is good for 13 seconds right now.
I kept hitting that joint.
I'm like, Rogan, what are you doing?
mark normand
You see?
The joint will get you.
joe rogan
You have to host this thing.
mark normand
The weed will get you.
joe rogan
The joint's not good always.
mark normand
So do you feel like you're hosting?
Still?
unidentified
No.
joe rogan
I feel like I'm just...
mark normand
We're talking.
We're hanging.
joe rogan
Yeah, we're hanging.
ari shaffir
Always.
unidentified
How do you not pee?
joe rogan
But I can't ruin it.
Huh?
ari shaffir
How do you not pee?
joe rogan
I have extraordinary bladder.
shane gillis
He's not drinking that much.
ari shaffir
I know, but...
joe rogan
Well, I had one of these Black Rifle coffees.
I had, um...
mark normand
Fifth whiskey here.
joe rogan
A little bit of coffee.
ari shaffir
What kind of whiskey?
joe rogan
A bunch of whiskeys.
I had the beer.
mark normand
Yeah, Bodega Cat!
shane gillis
You're gonna have to pee in a minute.
joe rogan
Liquid IV. No, I could last for hours.
mark normand
That beer will get you.
shane gillis
We'll see.
joe rogan
Here's the thing.
I've done this so long.
shane gillis
I guess we'll see.
joe rogan
You want to have a pee off?
shane gillis
Yes, definitely.
joe rogan
Let's just drink a glass of water every 20 minutes.
You and I? Yeah, you and I. I would take that.
shane gillis
This is actually one challenge you and I physically, I would be like, alright, I can do that.
ari shaffir
You've already peed twice.
joe rogan
No, listen, listen.
shane gillis
One glass of water.
joe rogan
One glass like this of water every 20 minutes.
mark normand
I would take that.
We used to play Edward Scissorhands.
joe rogan
I'll bury you.
shane gillis
Well, here's the thing.
joe rogan
I could last for days.
shane gillis
Yeah, but here's the thing.
You're more of a psycho, so you'll be...
mark normand
That's true.
unidentified
Bro, I'm ready to survive internal damage.
joe rogan
I'll take a couple of days.
shane gillis
You will survive that.
joe rogan
I'll take a few rounds of antibiotics.
shane gillis
I think we should do one more eagle bong.
joe rogan
Okay, let's go.
shane gillis
Alright, thank you.
joe rogan
Yeah, you don't want one of my water challenge.
mark normand
Oh, watch out!
ari shaffir
Because I have to pee!
mark normand
Again?
That's like nine pisses for this guy.
shane gillis
Who's worse than Ari?
joe rogan
No one.
shane gillis
He is like a cat, dude.
He is like those cats he looks like.
mark normand
He looks like those cats.
shane gillis
He looks exactly like him.
joe rogan
When they have that one cat next to his face.
Those cats look exactly like him.
mark normand
It's insane.
joe rogan
What did they call it?
Somebody had a funny line.
shane gillis
No, I mean, that's a specific type of cat.
joe rogan
Was it like Puri Shafir or something like that?
mark normand
Yeah.
unidentified
Something stupid like that.
mark normand
Safari Shafir?
I don't know, but he does look just like those weird cats.
joe rogan
He looks exactly like them.
mark normand
They're like weird African felines.
joe rogan
Dude, I can just like fucking hold my pee for the longest time.
Look at that!
That is dead on!
unidentified
That is dead on!
joe rogan
Oh, look, there's me looking at it in the corner.
unidentified
Like, what the fuck, Ari?
shane gillis
Those cats couldn't look more like him.
mark normand
Wow, weird.
joe rogan
Perfect representation of him.
mark normand
Oh, there's a driver, Adam Driver.
joe rogan
Adam Driver also looks like a cat.
mark normand
He's an odd-looking guy.
joe rogan
Actually, hold on.
Go back to that cat next to Ari.
That cat looks more like Adam Driver.
mark normand
Oh, yeah, there you go.
shane gillis
That brown one looks like Ari.
joe rogan
Look at that.
That's more accurate than Ari, even.
He's kind of cat-like.
mark normand
Yeah, that's a kooky looking dude.
unidentified
Go back to Ari.
joe rogan
See, he has more of a rounded head at the top, like the cat.
See, the reason why that looks less like you than Adam Driver, because your head is narrow all the way up.
Adam Driver has this sort of...
He's got this different shaped head, almost like a cat.
Go back to the Adam Driver picture.
unidentified
That's the fucking...
shane gillis
At least you get cats, dude.
I literally just get cats.
joe rogan
Yeah, go back to Adam Driver.
More like it, because he's thicker at the top of the head.
mark normand
I see it.
joe rogan
And he comes down to a point.
Whereas Ari stays sort of narrow the whole way up.
mark normand
Whoa!
That's Ari.
That's a Jewish cat.
ari shaffir
That's my new merch.
joe rogan
Pretty close.
ari shaffir
It's just that cat.
unidentified
You should just have that cat!
joe rogan
It's just that cat.
But someone would sue you.
shane gillis
It's probably some crazy cat.
ari shaffir
No, I know the order of that cat.
unidentified
Do you?
Legitimately, I posted it, and she's like, oh my god, you already had, oh, you were serious!
shane gillis
That's an awesome shirt.
joe rogan
I thought you were fucking around!
ari shaffir
Dude, Monroe Martin saw that, and he goes, how did you Photoshop a cat to look like that?
I'm like, no, no, that's just a cat.
joe rogan
I thought you were joking.
mark normand
You got a good look.
I know girls who think you're hot.
ari shaffir
It's rare, but it's there.
mark normand
I mean, I know one.
joe rogan
You're funny.
Speaking of funny, your fucking special's gonna come out in October.
I think it's your best shit ever.
I think it's your best shit ever.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
We went to see you at the Creek in the Cave.
I was fucking laughing really hard.
I was so glad you brought that thing back.
shane gillis
Thanks.
joe rogan
Because you were ready to kind of abandon that whole chunk.
ari shaffir
I had to move on with my life, but I was like, eh, I think this is still ready.
joe rogan
Yeah, dude, it was better.
Even better than when I saw him when you were running it at the store.
ari shaffir
I agree.
joe rogan
It's better.
shane gillis
Well, he's in New York, dude.
He's in New York.
joe rogan
Is that better?
shane gillis
He's not in fucking Gayville.
ari shaffir
I was always in New York though.
unidentified
Here?
joe rogan
Me?
What's Gayville?
I've chosen.
mark normand
LA, bro.
ari shaffir
LA. No, it was cool to take a time off.
unidentified
How's it gay?
joe rogan
How's LA gay?
ari shaffir
LA's gay.
mark normand
Well, you get some good...
Feedback in New York.
I feel like it's more real.
joe rogan
You don't get good feedback in LA? Audience feedback.
shane gillis
You guys don't go there.
mark normand
I've been to LA many a time, done the improv, done the store, done the laugh factory.
joe rogan
If you're in the scene, you get the same kind of feedback that you get in New York.
shane gillis
It's mixed.
You should do more leg kicks.
joe rogan
It's mixed.
ari shaffir
In New York, there's more people who don't give a fuck and be like, that wasn't very good.
joe rogan
Well, that's probably good for a lot of people.
shane gillis
What is spilling out of this?
joe rogan
That's good for you.
mark normand
And I feel like New York comics do the road more.
joe rogan
There's a little bit of an unnecessary attitude that comes with New York that I find a little pretentious.
There's a little aggressive attitude, but not quite at the point of violence.
There's always this three-quarter violence sort of attitude that a lot of people just generally accept in New York.
shane gillis
Please throw up.
joe rogan
Oh, he might.
Yuck!
He didn't make it to the end.
mark normand
Easy, big fella.
joe rogan
Did you make it?
Ew, dude.
shane gillis
Ew, are you?
Why'd you make the eagle shit gay, dude?
mark normand
You made the eagle come out of its ass.
Shit gay.
That's a funny way to put it.
You made the eagle shit gay.
ari shaffir
Yeah, that's some attitude in New York, but that's just one of the small parts of New York.
mark normand
But comics keep each other in check in New York, which L.A. does not.
Let's see some shit in LA where you go.
ari shaffir
Joe Mackey going like, that wasn't very funny.
mark normand
I've seen that before.
joe rogan
But Ari, the store did.
When you were there, everybody kind of kept everybody in check.
ari shaffir
Back before the success.
mark normand
That was the 80s.
joe rogan
When was the success?
ari shaffir
It was right when Eager got there.
unidentified
Before the success, it was more like, you need to work on that shit.
joe rogan
What year are we talking about?
ari shaffir
Right when I moved to LA. New York, 2000. This time really suck it down.
joe rogan
Don't be gay about it.
What was the big change?
mark normand
If I could, I would.
I'm trying.
ari shaffir
Let's do it.
mark normand
Freedom Funnel.
joe rogan
We were having three different conversations.
ari shaffir
Hold on.
What?
joe rogan
What was the big change?
ari shaffir
Success.
Success made everybody go, I don't want to piss anybody off because people all can help me.
Before at the Comedy Store, it was a failure hut.
So the biggest comics there were you and Bobby Lee.
Bobby was on Mad TV, and that was the biggest we got.
joe rogan
Okay, so this is pre-2007.
unidentified
This is like 2004. Yeah, but even after that.
ari shaffir
Until 2012, when Iga took over and all the big stars came.
When the lineups were Silverman, Spade, Fitzsimmons, you, Ron White.
joe rogan
I didn't go back until 2014. That's when I came back.
When I came back, it was already killing it because I went to see Roast Battle.
That was one of the things.
I went to see Ari, first of all.
That was the big one.
The big thing for me was that Ari was going to film his...
Comedy Central special there, and there was not a fucking chance in hell I wasn't going to be there.
ari shaffir
I really liked you being there for that.
That was nice.
joe rogan
I hadn't been there in seven years.
And I was like, I'm never going back.
I was like, they can suck my dick till the end of time.
mark normand
Right, right.
joe rogan
But when Ari told me he was there, I was like, that's more important to me.
shane gillis
Your new special, dude, the last hour you've been running is fucking...
mark normand
Hell yeah.
shane gillis
Nice.
I'm very excited to see it.
mark normand
I didn't watch.
I mean, once you did the Kobe joke, I was out on you.
shane gillis
Where'd you get that mask?
mark normand
What do you mean?
Oh.
ari shaffir
Not from this studio.
shane gillis
You brought a match?
mark normand
It was right here.
joe rogan
So I came back in 2014 to watch that, and I had to go the day before.
I said, I can't just be here the night that Ari Films is special.
ari shaffir
It would have been a distraction.
joe rogan
Because I'll be freaked out.
Like, I need to be here for this.
Like, in my mind, in my head.
So I went the day before, and I went and watched Roast Battle.
And it was so fun and so creative.
ari shaffir
It was the height of Roast Battle.
joe rogan
There was a feeling.
First of all, it was so underground, but it was packed.
unidentified
It was wrestling.
joe rogan
Because it was like the cool people knew about it.
ari shaffir
It was underground wrestling.
joe rogan
And you would go up there and the way Brian Moses, the way he hosted is so beautiful.
shane gillis
Brian Moses.
joe rogan
He's the fucking man.
mark normand
Great guy.
joe rogan
He's a great guy, he's funny, but also he's nice.
So he's like, at the end we hug it out.
Everybody, here's the rules, you know, don't touch each other, but at the end we all hug it out.
And he does this thing and everyone's like, yeah, so this is fun.
So he sets the tone.
You're gonna talk shit, you're gonna say some horrible things about each other, but it's gonna be fun.
And we were fucking crying.
And I remember being up there, And I forget who all was with us at the time, because I was just so overwhelmed by being there.
unidentified
And that this moment- And it wasn't a lot too where it's like, that's your home home.
ari shaffir
What's the place you haven't been?
It's your home home.
And then it was like, I haven't been here for a fucking five, six, seven years.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
You gotta realize, dude, when I was in 1988, when I started doing stand-up- Holy shit.
shane gillis
You started doing comedy in 88?
joe rogan
88. Was that even a year?
unidentified
Wow.
shane gillis
It turned out I was born.
joe rogan
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's when I started.
When I was in Boston, we talked about the Comedy Store like it was Mecca.
mark normand
Really?
joe rogan
It was Mecca.
mark normand
Pryor, it was Mecca.
joe rogan
That was Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Dice Clay, Mecca.
ari shaffir
That cool thing that everyone forgets about that, when you go on the OR stage, you're standing right where Pryor stood.
joe rogan
I stood after him.
I did shows after him.
unidentified
Really?
I followed Pryor for like five, six weeks in a row.
What?
mark normand
I didn't know that.
joe rogan
I followed Martin Lawrence in his prime and ate plates of shit.
Plates of shit.
It's one of the most horrendous bombings I ever incurred in my entire life.
ari shaffir
Wow.
mark normand
Yeah, I mean, Chris Rock said that.
He had to follow Martin Lawrence.
He featured for him when he was like...
joe rogan
That changed Chris Rock's act.
He said I was doing too many shows for white people.
Really patient white people.
Then all of a sudden he's doing these shows after Martin Lawrence.
Dude, people don't remember.
unidentified
Martin Lawrence in the 90s was a murderer.
ari shaffir
He was a murderer.
I had to follow him.
joe rogan
When he was wearing a leather jumpsuit.
mark normand
Oh, wow.
ari shaffir
Leather Martin.
joe rogan
I was this 27-year-old dumbass from fucking Boston.
unidentified
You were 27?
joe rogan
Yes.
Oh, my God.
unidentified
I was terrible.
Wow.
joe rogan
Bro, my comedy was straight dog shit.
Holy shit!
I had like three good blowjob jokes, and I'm following Martin Lawrence in the main room at the store.
unidentified
Holy shit.
joe rogan
Instantaneously.
It was like three-quarters of the audience would leave immediately.
I'm not kidding.
He would do like an hour.
ari shaffir
You're dealing with walkouts as you're getting on.
You're like, uh, please, attention.
joe rogan
No, no, no.
You just had to accept it.
I had to accept it.
Anybody who was any good at how to go on after him.
Mitzi was ruthless.
That's why she's right there, man.
ari shaffir
She did it on purpose.
joe rogan
That's why she's right there.
shane gillis
That's her fine ass out there.
unidentified
That's her.
mark normand
She does look good.
joe rogan
That's Taylor Bowles.
Taylor made that.
mark normand
Very generous rendition.
joe rogan
She was a fucking...
No, no, that's what she looked like when she was young, man.
That's a photo of her when she was young.
ari shaffir
By the way, you can see the see-through fucking...
She's trying to show her tits off to everybody.
joe rogan
Yeah, dude, that's like an artistic rendition.
It's not totally accurate, but it's pretty close.
ari shaffir
It's not inaccurate either.
joe rogan
It's not inaccurate.
She was a beautiful lady when she was young.
mark normand
Alright.
joe rogan
That's the godmother.
That's her, right there.
mark normand
Oh yeah, wow, I can see it.
shane gillis
Yeah, that's exactly it.
There you go.
joe rogan
Is it the full photo where it shows the shirt she's wearing?
ari shaffir
That's the one I knew, the one on the left right there in the black.
That's the Mitzi I knew.
joe rogan
There's a full photo of it.
ari shaffir
She was fucking wild.
mark normand
That's what I heard.
joe rogan
She was a great lady, man.
ari shaffir
God, she was fucking so opinionated.
joe rogan
She was so important.
mark normand
But then you hear all the stories like, hey, you gotta bring a banana on stage.
joe rogan
So that's the original.
ari shaffir
Here's what that is.
When Mitzi said, you gotta bring a banana on stage, that's her exasperator going, I don't know.
Exactly.
You sell bananas on weekends?
Talk about that.
I don't know.
joe rogan
Dude, I had moved to LA. I was on a television show.
And I didn't give a fuck.
ari shaffir
Hardball?
mark normand
News radio?
joe rogan
I just wanted to be at the store.
And I was an unpaid regular.
So I'd go on every night after Carlos Mencia.
Every night.
mark normand
So the hatred was building.
joe rogan
I was just watching this nonsense.
I became friends with him initially.
ari shaffir
He murdered.
unidentified
He murdered with other people's shit.
ari shaffir
He wanted to follow it.
joe rogan
He's still murdering.
It was also like it was the end of the night.
It was like a long show.
And you just had to grind it out.
If you wanted to be a paid regular in 94, you just had to grind it out.
And I got to watch all...
There was no one there.
That was what was crazy.
You would go there and Damon Wayans would go up in front of 20 people.
ari shaffir
It's crazy.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
And you would be like, this is the most insane thing I've ever seen in my life.
Dude, I had seen Damon Wayans' HBO specials.
unidentified
Damon Wayans is one of the best comics that's ever lived!
joe rogan
If you watch him when he's in his prime, go back and watch The Last Stand.
Go back and watch The Last Stand.
It's fucking phenomenal.
And he says, like, I'm done with stand-up.
I'm going to be a movie star.
He drops the mic and he walks away.
It's the last stand.
ari shaffir
That's how he kind of ended it for a while.
It's like Jeff Mangum.
unidentified
He needed better friends.
joe rogan
He needed someone like us to go, Damon, Damon, you're one of the best fucking stand-ups.
Fuck these ABC sitcoms.
You should be doing stadiums.
mark normand
Well, Blank Man was a film.
joe rogan
Arenas.
shane gillis
Which one was Major Payne?
mark normand
That was him.
shane gillis
How about The Last Boy Scout?
unidentified
The Last Boy Scout.
joe rogan
Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans.
It was a big blockbuster back in the day.
It's a big movie.
mark normand
He was in Earth Girls Are Easy.
ari shaffir
He did well in movies.
joe rogan
He was in In Living Color, which is the second best sketch show ever.
mark normand
Oh, there he is with the floppy hat.
joe rogan
I'm telling you, man.
I'm telling you.
Damon Wayans back then.
And this was like 1990. 1990!
I'm telling you right now.
He was a fucking monster.
ari shaffir
What a simple design for a stage.
joe rogan
You have to understand how long ago this was.
This was 32 years ago.
mark normand
Damn.
shane gillis
Can you imagine being in a family that does stand-up?
joe rogan
Dude, this was 30...
shane gillis
That's wild.
joe rogan
This is 32 years ago.
shane gillis
That's wild shit.
mark normand
Sean Wayans, Marlon Wayans.
joe rogan
How about fucking Keenan Ivory Wayans?
mark normand
Keenan Ivory Wayans.
joe rogan
Who made movies.
ari shaffir
He made it in Living Color.
joe rogan
He made movies, he made it in Living Color, and I'm Gonna Get You, Sucker.
shane gillis
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
And then on top of that, he was a fucking talk show host.
ari shaffir
Damn, he smashed it.
Look at the Jews' name coming up.
joe rogan
He was the reason why I started doing commentary for the UFC. What?
Yes!
No, Keenan Ivory Wayans.
Oh.
shane gillis
Why?
joe rogan
Listen.
shane gillis
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's such a funny way to stop doing stand-up.
Smashing them all.
You're going to be like, I'm done.
joe rogan
I'm done.
I did it.
But that's because it's scary.
shane gillis
It's so funny.
joe rogan
You want to say, I did it.
I'm done.
I never want to do it again.
ari shaffir
I did it.
joe rogan
I'm done.
Well, stand up hard.
ari shaffir
I prefer that, go out, and I'm done.
I'm still very good than the withering away of a lot of lives.
shane gillis
Nah, you gotta wither away, bro.
unidentified
Ugh.
shane gillis
Fuck wither in a way.
Let's go!
joe rogan
Fuck wither in a way.
I'll do four more.
And you'll have to pee before me.
shane gillis
Watch me.
I'm here all night.
Let's see who pees first.
mark normand
This competitive cut, he can't stop.
joe rogan
You're going to the hospital tonight, Shane.
mark normand
I dare you to try.
Have you seen his record of beers?
He's not going anywhere.
shane gillis
I would love it.
joe rogan
I was on the Keenan Ivory weigh-in show.
ari shaffir
Really?
joe rogan
And I was talking shit about Steven Seagal fighting in the UFC. That's so funny.
mark normand
What year?
joe rogan
This was 97. Oh, wow.
98. Pre-911.
Somewhere around then.
I started working for the UFC in 1997. That's insane.
ari shaffir
I didn't know there was a round in 97. Yeah, in Gotham, Alabama.
joe rogan
It was in Dothan, Alabama.
That was the first place I went to.
shane gillis
I've done a show there.
That place stinks.
joe rogan
It was UFC 12. The Epstein years.
That's the first one I worked at.
We flew in propeller planes.
mark normand
What?
joe rogan
I flew with Randy Couture in a fucking propeller plane in 1997. Holy fuck.
mark normand
Holy hell.
joe rogan
Who knows what would have happened?
mark normand
Blow that eagle!
ari shaffir
It's a big bopper.
shane gillis
Suck that eagle's dick!
ari shaffir
Suck that dick!
Suck that dick!
shane gillis
It's so funny that the news is evil!
unidentified
The news is like, we gotta worry about this guy.
He ain't ready to go to our way to the airplane.
joe rogan
Well, Randy Cartour doesn't even drink.
He's an established gentleman.
unidentified
That's true.
mark normand
Joe Rogan's a threat to democracy.
I was on a prop plane with Damon Wayans.
unidentified
Randy was drinking out.
joe rogan
Well, here's the thing.
People in my position oftentimes forget who they are.
mark normand
That's true.
That is true.
joe rogan
He stopped being a person.
I'm the exact same fucking person I was in 2014, in 2007. I feel like Chappelle is getting that.
mark normand
I'm like, no, you're the funniest guy.
joe rogan
He's not getting that.
Not when I talk to him.
mark normand
I hope you're right.
I don't want to lose him.
joe rogan
I love him to death.
He's the same exact human.
mark normand
Alright.
joe rogan
He's 100% the same exact human.
I've known him since he was like 18, 19 years old.
I met him at, he was at, we were both at Catch a Rising Star in New York in like 1992. That's how crazy that was.
I was just moving to New York and I was doing some sets and I ran into Dave and he was at Catch a Rising Star.
But I didn't know him, I just saw him.
And then he and I did the Montreal Comedy Festival.
So we did this show, and after the show, Dave, who's like fucking 19 or 20 at the time, he goes outside on the street and takes off his hat and puts his hat on the ground and starts doing a comedy show.
ari shaffir
What?
unidentified
In the middle of Montreal, Canada.
joe rogan
After we did Club Soda, we just did a giant fucking theater.
So we did this theater, and then afterwards, I'm like 24, 25. How old is Dave?
mark normand
50?
joe rogan
Whatever he is.
49. We're young, right?
shane gillis
There's no way he's 49. He's a kid, bro.
How old is he?
unidentified
49. You're a year younger?
ari shaffir
I'm right on you.
mark normand
That is crazy.
shane gillis
So I'm 25. That sucks, dude.
joe rogan
So I'm 25. I'm 25 and Dave is 19. Sorry, sorry.
mark normand
That was too real.
shane gillis
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
joe rogan
I'm 25 and Dave is 19. He takes off his fucking hat and he puts it on the ground.
He starts doing outside stand-up.
ari shaffir
No mic?
joe rogan
No mic.
Just calling people over.
unidentified
Wow.
joe rogan
People are walking down the street.
That's fucking nuts.
He starts doing street stand-up.
mark normand
That's insane.
shane gillis
If I saw someone doing that, dude, if I saw someone doing that, I'd be like, fuck that guy.
ari shaffir
Fuck that guy.
shane gillis
That guy's fucked up.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
mark normand
Well, Charlie Barnett was his hero, and he was a street performer.
joe rogan
But I'm telling you, if you were there when it happened, you wouldn't be like, fuck that guy.
shane gillis
Yeah, was that good?
joe rogan
Because you would be laughing.
shane gillis
Damn.
joe rogan
He had this smile on his face, and everybody was like, I want to be a part of whatever this fucking guy's doing.
shane gillis
Yeah, Dave Chappelle's about as fucking cool as it gets.
mark normand
He's so cool.
As they say.
ari shaffir
He's so fucking cool.
shane gillis
He's as cool as it gets.
ari shaffir
Just hearing him talk, you're like...
Wow, I'm here for this.
joe rogan
Even the guy that tackled him and tried to stab him was sad afterwards.
ari shaffir
He was like, hey man, it was cool when I tackled him.
shane gillis
Also, the guy who attacked him got his ass beat by Jamie Foxx and Busta Rhymes.
mark normand
Even Jon Stewart got some kicks.
Like a 5'6 Jewish guy.
shane gillis
Jewish ass, bitch ass.
joe rogan
He tried to murder his fucking...
unidentified
Now you're gonna fucking talk to me?
shane gillis
What happened?
ari shaffir
Five years you stood up and he's still shitting on us.
joe rogan
What happened?
mark normand
Yeah, what the hell?
ari shaffir
John Stewart fucking stomps him.
joe rogan
What, John Stewart?
unidentified
What?
shane gillis
I'm saying Mel Gibson to the fucking bitch.
mark normand
You guys are off.
Can you hand me that letter there, Jewface?
joe rogan
What happened with Jon Stewart?
What?
shane gillis
I don't know.
I was saying Jamie Foxx and Busta Rhymes beat the shit out of the guy who rushed him at the Hollywood Bowl.
joe rogan
Why are you bringing Jon Stewart into this?
shane gillis
They brought Jon.
joe rogan
Jon Stewart is the fucking man.
He just needs to start eating meat again.
shane gillis
I think Jon Stewart's cool as shit.
joe rogan
We can bring him back.
He needs to eat bison and start doing deadlifts.
ari shaffir
He's never been a person.
I saw him at the garden.
shane gillis
John Stewart's a beast.
ari shaffir
He's a good person.
joe rogan
John Stewart's a good person.
shane gillis
He is.
mark normand
He takes a lot of photos with Chappelle and doesn't apologize.
shane gillis
Does not apologize for a photo with a friend.
You know what his worst crime is, and it's not even his fault, is that he inspired...
joe rogan
Petophilia.
ari shaffir
I apologize for my actions.
shane gillis
He inspired a generation of political comedy that just, they can't do it like him.
mark normand
He was so good at it.
shane gillis
He was the best.
joe rogan
He's the best.
mark normand
He made it silly and fun.
joe rogan
He was the best.
And you know, he was the second.
There was someone who hosted that show before.
mark normand
Craig Kilbourne.
shane gillis
Talk Soap.
joe rogan
That's right.
shane gillis
Craig Kilbourne.
mark normand
Who was good.
joe rogan
He was good, but apparently he was kind of an asshole.
mark normand
That's the rumor.
joe rogan
That's the rumor.
shane gillis
Nobody could do it like him.
joe rogan
He was great.
mark normand
Stuart was the best!
And he's like helping veterans.
ari shaffir
He kind of was the precursor to you, where he was like this news source they all went to, but he's like, I'm also a community just fucking around.
Why aren't the regular news sources doing this?
unidentified
Actually, true.
joe rogan
A little bit.
shane gillis
For sure.
mark normand
Good call there, Stash.
joe rogan
But I didn't mean to do it.
I think they meant to do it.
ari shaffir
Stewart?
joe rogan
Yeah, that's what they were doing.
Lampooning the news.
mark normand
Do you ever get bummed about the weight on your shoulders?
Are you just trying to run a show and hang out and talk to people and everybody's like, ah, you're evil or whatever.
joe rogan
I think I'm oddly built for this.
mark normand
You are built for it.
unidentified
You must be in the shower going, god damn, I'm just trying to talk.
joe rogan
There's so many people that don't.
That don't feel that way.
You have to be objective.
And if you spend enough time thinking about how you think and what you believe and why you believe what you believe, that's the most important thing.
Why do you believe what you believe?
Do you believe what you believe because it's self-serving?
Or do you believe what you believe because it's accurate?
What's your intentions?
What are you trying to put out there?
What are you trying to do?
And I feel good about all those things.
mark normand
Yeah.
joe rogan
So if I feel good about all those things, I'm okay.
If I don't feel good about those things, then I want to correct it.
And I want to change the way I express myself.
mark normand
And I think history will be kind to you.
ari shaffir
You have a moral code.
mark normand
I think so.
shane gillis
Thank you, Mark.
mark normand
I think it will, because he gets shit in the moment, but I think...
shane gillis
I think history will be kind to you.
mark normand
At the end of the day, a lot of the shit...
What you've been saying is for the people and whatever the hell.
I'm not trying to get too queefy here, but I think a lot of people couldn't take it and they would pull back or they would change or they would go with it.
unidentified
That's okay.
joe rogan
That's normal.
It's normal.
mark normand
But you won't.
joe rogan
I feel different about things all the time.
And I don't think the way people think about things at any given moment represents who they really are.
It represents how they feel about a specific instance.
And in a specific instance, you're dealing with a lot of different things.
You're dealing with the person's past...
Negative interactions, positive interactions, love, hate, fucking where they broke up, where they had an abortion.
ari shaffir
Yeah, you're having a bad day.
You ever go through a breakup, they gotta go on stage the next night?
joe rogan
We're not the same.
ari shaffir
This isn't my best.
joe rogan
I know you, but you're a fucking conglomeration of all my experiences with you.
ari shaffir
True.
joe rogan
I've had good experiences with you, and I've had arguments with you.
I love you to death, but I know you as you.
And I know as you, I love you.
But I don't love me at my worst.
I don't love...
I don't.
mark normand
Well, that's a very liberal mindset, ironically.
joe rogan
If you think about the worst things you've ever done in your whole life, you're like, why'd you do that?
Why'd you do it that way, fucking stupid?
Because you kind of had to do it that way to learn to not do it that way.
mark normand
Yeah, we're human.
joe rogan
And you're dealing with all those things that happened to you before that happened.
You're dealing with your own life.
You're dealing with negatives and positives and failures and success.
You're dealing with...
Feeling good about yourself and feeling depressed.
You're dealing with being dumped and being hit on.
You're dealing with all these different fucking variables.
And to pretend that a person is like a thing at one specific time, at that moment, and that's you forever, inescapable.
Fuck you!
mark normand
Agreed.
Al Franken.
One photo of him doing this.
joe rogan
Al Franken needs better friends.
If Al Franken was on this fucking podcast and we got him high, he'd be like, yeah!
I didn't do anything!
unidentified
I didn't do shit!
mark normand
I know, but we define him as that.
joe rogan
Al Franken could be the fucking president.
shane gillis
He was the one guy that could have beat Trump.
mark normand
You think?
shane gillis
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Al Franken and Tulsi Gabbard.
He's like, I'll offset your shit.
shane gillis
He's geezed up now.
joe rogan
What does that mean?
shane gillis
He's an old man.
joe rogan
What is geezed up?
unidentified
How is he geezed up and Trump isn't?
mark normand
What does that mean, old?
joe rogan
Amphetamines!
He seems old.
shane gillis
Put him in the ring.
We'll see.
joe rogan
Oh, Trump will kill him, no doubt.
shane gillis
But, back in the day, Al Franken was the one dude that could have stopped Trump.
He drew the fucking entire- And the dumb pussy Democrats got rid of him.
joe rogan
Yes.
He drew the whole country in the exact right proportion.
He knows where all the states are.
mark normand
He's brilliant.
joe rogan
No, he can draw the map.
ari shaffir
I can do that.
unidentified
Really?
shane gillis
Can you really?
Yeah, I can do that.
joe rogan
Can you do it like Al Franken?
shane gillis
I can, yes.
I don't know how he does it, but yes.
joe rogan
You're such a history dork.
shane gillis
I'm having a tough time talking.
Wow!
mark normand
He drew that?
joe rogan
Yep.
mark normand
That's incredible!
shane gillis
No, I can't do that.
joe rogan
He draws it fucking accurate!
mark normand
Wait, where's Hawaii?
joe rogan
He does the outline and everything.
shane gillis
Illinois is bigger than it should be.
mark normand
Shut the fuck up!
It's incredible.
He's got the great legs.
He's got Long Island off to the edge there.
ari shaffir
Look at that.
shane gillis
It's a good map.
joe rogan
It's not a great map.
mark normand
It's a good map.
unidentified
It's not the best map, but a lot of people are saying it's a very good map.
ari shaffir
If I had one message to Al Franken, it would be do 15 minutes.
joe rogan
If I had one message, it would be testosterone replacement.
Start doing squats.
Let's go.
shane gillis
Yeah, he was the one guy who could have debated with Trump.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
He would have been like a normal guy president.
shane gillis
Nobody could debate with Trump, dude.
He was the one guy that was like smart, liberal, and funny.
joe rogan
He's a fucking patriot!
That guy's a real patriot.
shane gillis
Yeah, he knows what he's talking about.
joe rogan
He has a deep appreciation of American history.
He really does.
He knows a lot.
He knows a lot.
shane gillis
Yeah, I could have done it.
joe rogan
Give me a Trump before you get in there.
unidentified
We've got a lot of guys coming out here.
Jamie Foxx, Jamie Foxx, what a great guy.
Look at my African-American over there.
joe rogan
There you go.
shane gillis
America!
joe rogan
Hold on, can you play America, fuck yeah, the song?
unidentified
Any given Sunday, what a movie, what a film.
I talked to Oliver Stone.
He said, could you make any given Sunday better?
I said, get Jamie Foxx in there.
I got Jamie Foxx in there.
shane gillis
I don't know if that's good.
I don't know if that's good.
mark normand
It sounds great.
shane gillis
Does it?
mark normand
Killer, yeah.
You're nailing it.
shane gillis
Dude, America's the best of all time.
I can't believe people would say otherwise.
mark normand
We have NASCAR. You know what?
joe rogan
Nobody even tries it.
shane gillis
I know exactly where it's from.
mark normand
How cool is that origin?
joe rogan
That's going to be a movie.
Moonshine.
mark normand
Moonshine created NASCAR. Crazy.
unidentified
There's not much more American than that.
shane gillis
Who's better than South Park?
No one.
ari shaffir
You talk about how people want somebody to do one thing and then everyone else does it.
Nobody touched Scientology.
And then Matt and Trey were like, we're touching it.
joe rogan
They drew Muhammad inside a teddy bear costume.
And they put him inside a fucking bag.
ari shaffir
Salman Rushdie got stabbed in the eye for that shit.
And Matt and Trey were like, nah, we're just gonna do it.
shane gillis
Salman Rushdie saw that episode like...
joe rogan
They said, can we have a guy dressed as...
Can we have Muhammad inside a teddy bear?
They said, no.
They said, what about inside an armored car?
shane gillis
And they said, hmm...
mark normand
There you go.
ari shaffir
At Comedy Central, if you wanted to get things through, you had to show something's been done before, whatever the word is.
mark normand
Is that right?
ari shaffir
Yeah.
So you go, you can't say this word.
And then I would have to research a bunch of TV shows.
unidentified
Precedent.
ari shaffir
Precedent.
A bunch of TV shows, because, hey, they did it here.
And they go, okay, we're going to uncensor it.
mark normand
That's kind of the opposite of art, though.
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
Hey, who's done it before?
ari shaffir
But every time I saw...
joe rogan
We were talking about the reason why Kyle Dunnigan and Kurt Metzkin could do what they do, because they don't have a person over them.
mark normand
Exactly.
joe rogan
You can't have Gillian Keeves with a person over them.
You can't have Gillian Keeves without freedom.
mark normand
Committee.
Committee fucks up artists.
joe rogan
You can't have this!
unidentified
Imagine!
joe rogan
Imagine we had a fucking NBC executive going.
ari shaffir
I'll tell you what.
I don't know about that.
joe rogan
Imagine if this was going on during Fear Factor.
mark normand
They would have hated that.
joe rogan
You're gonna kill us all!
mark normand
They would have hated the ring tarts.
joe rogan
What if it changed?
Happy icebergs!
mark normand
Put it 20 minutes on tarts.
shane gillis
Once you guys started bonging beers.
joe rogan
Yeah, exactly.
unidentified
America!
America!
ari shaffir
Oh, but here's what they told me.
When I go, hey, Cartman did it, so he's like, where are I saying it?
They go, South Park doesn't count.
unidentified
Really?
mark normand
They're above the law.
unidentified
They're our Jesus.
joe rogan
South Park is our Jesus.
shane gillis
Comedy Central knows South Park is God.
ari shaffir
No.
Comedy Central is no longer a network.
unidentified
Oh, really?
mark normand
It also helps that it makes a ton of money.
joe rogan
Comedy Central is South Park.
unidentified
Without South Park, it's like SiriusXLM without Stern.
joe rogan
Sirius without Stern is not Sirius.
It doesn't exist.
They have to keep giving him those $100 million a year bonuses.
mark normand
Stern got queefy.
South Park never did.
joe rogan
Listen, what the fuck ever.
If he leaves, they die.
ari shaffir
The bonfire will carry them through.
joe rogan
They die like Lake Mead.
shane gillis
Did you see South Park jokingly cover their ass with Tolkien?
ari shaffir
Oh my god, that was great.
joe rogan
J.R.R. Tolkien?
ari shaffir
What do you mean jokingly cover their ass?
shane gillis
Tolkien?
ari shaffir
Tolkien.
They had a black character named Tolkien.
shane gillis
There's a black character named Tolkien.
joe rogan
Oh, I thought you meant like the guy who wrote The Hobbit.
shane gillis
Well, that's the joke.
ari shaffir
Joe, their name with this one black character was Tolkien.
unidentified
T-O-L-K-E-N. T-O-K-E-N. Like Tolkien.
ari shaffir
For ten years it was Tolkien.
shane gillis
It was Tolkien.
And then recently they were like, actually his name was Tolkien because we love...
mark normand
J.R. And they go, why?
ari shaffir
What did you think it meant?
shane gillis
What did you think it meant?
Racist?
Genius!
joe rogan
It was Tolkien in the script with an L and an I. We gotta put a statue up for these guys.
ari shaffir
Ten years they said Tolkien.
shane gillis
Trey Parker and Matt's...
They rule the most.
joe rogan
When the teacher...
ari shaffir
They rule the most.
joe rogan
When the teacher stuffed Paris Hilton up her ass.
ari shaffir
Oh my god.
unidentified
Up his ass.
joe rogan
It was the greatest moment in television history.
ari shaffir
Mr. Slade.
Oh my god.
joe rogan
Is that the greatest moment?
mark normand
I also love when hilarious, brilliant people are silly and lowbrow.
It's like, Louie's great at that.
You know, he's obviously this brilliant guy, but he's saying crazy, fucked up, twisted shit.
ari shaffir
Yeah, you act like Louie's just like crazy, high-level guy.
And I saw him at the Stellar once, and he was like doing a bit, and then 10 minutes and then he looked down on his fucking stupid fat belly.
He had some crumbs, and he was like, I fucking...
What the fuck is wrong with me?
It was like, he's a schmendrick!
And you guys are treating him like he's a fucking academic!
shane gillis
Well, he's also a god, dude.
unidentified
Fuck you!
shane gillis
How dare you!
joe rogan
He's one of the best.
shane gillis
Louie's a god.
mark normand
Easily.
joe rogan
Play this.
The Whore Challenge.
shane gillis
Louie's the god.
ari shaffir
I know.
joe rogan
Mr. Slave tries to convince the children there's more to life.
unidentified
Then partying and playing a whore.
Sweetie, listen.
joe rogan
Play it.
mark normand
It's not the part of the word that you're welcome for.
joe rogan
Play that part.
mark normand
They're on stage.
joe rogan
Just keep playing that.
mark normand
Oh, sorry.
shane gillis
Which, by the way, I think he might be right.
joe rogan
Alright, play the whore off.
unidentified
What?
shane gillis
South Park's always right.
mark normand
They're right.
shane gillis
That's the problem.
mark normand
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
What is this?
Look at this.
unidentified
The whore off.
This is in 2004. Eighteen years ago.
The South Park Chamber of Commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual Who is the Biggest Whore showdown.
ari shaffir
The description of this is, I know Paris Hilton is a big whore.
unidentified
Wow.
I mean, that was her thing, dude.
joe rogan
Oh my god.
mark normand
Nah.
unidentified
He's just like, whatever.
joe rogan
They're being on stage.
Dry humping.
unidentified
Come on, Mr. Slave.
joe rogan
Mr. Slave.
His name is Mr. Slave.
ari shaffir
Pineapple up her fucking pussy.
People are there.
unidentified
Ta-da!
She's got the fucking leaves coming out of her fucking skirt.
joe rogan
No, she didn't.
ari shaffir
Randy's one of the greatest characters.
joe rogan
Mr. Slave.
ari shaffir
He's up.
joe rogan
He checks the wind.
You see how he licks his finger?
Hold on, go back to that.
Go back to that.
ari shaffir
Yeah, he checks his finger.
shane gillis
It's so nice to do beer bongs and then just watch that park.
joe rogan
Watch him lick his finger.
Watch him lick his finger.
ari shaffir
He judges the wind.
Great detail.
mark normand
Devil's in the details.
joe rogan
That's amazing!
mark normand
I've never seen this.
shane gillis
Oh, Jesus Christ.
joe rogan
He takes his pants off!
And he covers his cack!
unidentified
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
He shoves her into his asshole I That's an eight mile moment.
joe rogan
Is that the greatest moment in television history?
shane gillis
It's up there.
joe rogan
And he has to shit her out.
ari shaffir
It's up there.
joe rogan
He's gonna shit her out.
unidentified
Don't applaud me.
I'm a dirty whore.
Being spoiled and stupid and whores is supposed to be a bad thing, remember?
Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like Paris Hilton are supposed to be despised, where are they gonna learn it?
You have to be the...
You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters start looking up to the wrong people.
The homosexual is right.
We're sorry about your names.
Like, not stupid and not spoiled?
Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore.
shane gillis
Wow.
ari shaffir
I didn't mean to say you weren't.
shane gillis
South Park's been right.
joe rogan
It should be president.
ari shaffir
Never failed.
shane gillis
South Park's been right about everything.
joe rogan
South Park, vice president, the other guy president.
mark normand
Oh, the sheriff?
joe rogan
Yeah, the sheriff.
shane gillis
Jesus Christ.
joe rogan
We can fix this.
We can fix everything.
ari shaffir
They've never once backed down.
shane gillis
Here's one of the weakest moments I had in my life.
I was against Tiger Woods.
joe rogan
Why?
shane gillis
I was a young man.
When he was getting canceled, I was like, fuck this guy.
mark normand
What, for cheating?
shane gillis
Yeah.
I was young.
I didn't know I was being a fucking dumb pussy.
unidentified
How old?
shane gillis
I don't know what year did that happen.
joe rogan
I don't care.
shane gillis
Anyway, I was a young man.
And then I watched South Park and they did an episode about sex addiction and they were like, who's against this?
As soon as I watched it, I was like, damn, I'm gay as fuck.
I just watched it, I was like, damn, I'm just wrong.
mark normand
The Simpsons has to see South Park and go, damn, we could have been that.
unidentified
They were for a while.
mark normand
I'm a Simpsons guy.
joe rogan
It's a different thing.
shane gillis
2011?
joe rogan
She's beating him up with a golf club.
ari shaffir
Me and Renazisi were doing a commercial, EA Sports Tiger Woods.
We had to fly to Orlando.
mark normand
Really?
ari shaffir
To meet Tiger Woods.
mark normand
What?
ari shaffir
Play Tiger Woods golf against him.
shane gillis
It's unreal.
You got all these opportunities.
ari shaffir
I just coattail ride for Renazisi.
shane gillis
You stink.
mark normand
Whatever happened to Renazisi?
ari shaffir
He's still great.
He's still around.
shane gillis
He died.
ari shaffir
And we had to talk trash to him.
Get him talking trash.
They said, don't be dirty around him.
unidentified
Bitch.
ari shaffir
You gotta be clean.
It's before all the fucking shit came out.
joe rogan
Right.
ari shaffir
And we're like, hi, how you guys doing?
And he goes, you guys ready to do this shit?
shane gillis
Whoa, what?
ari shaffir
Wait, we're supposed to be clean.
So then later they're like, hey, do you guys want anything to drink or something?
Tea, coffee?
And Steve's like, oh, I don't like hot liquids.
And Tiger Woods goes, I got some hot liquid for you right here.
mark normand
No, shut the fuck up.
ari shaffir
He's the coolest guy.
The coolest guy.
shane gillis
And I said, hey, let's go out.
ari shaffir
There was a golf course right there.
I'm like, let's go out there.
You sit in there.
unidentified
We'll just go group by group and go, you got to speed it up.
shane gillis
Speaking of miscalculations, you guys watch the Manti Teo?
mark normand
I haven't seen it yet.
unidentified
Everybody's talking about it.
joe rogan
He's telling this crazy story about Tiger Woods.
shane gillis
I didn't know.
I thought the story was over.
ari shaffir
It's over.
unidentified
Go ahead.
shane gillis
If the story's not over, I'm stupid.
ari shaffir
It's over.
Go ahead.
Manti Teo.
shane gillis
No, all I got is, did you see the show?
mark normand
I can't believe you haven't read this story before.
This is insane.
unidentified
Hold on.
shane gillis
What happened?
mark normand
He's hanging out with Tiger Woods.
ari shaffir
Wow.
joe rogan
The point is, what are you trying to say?
He's a really cool guy.
ari shaffir
He's cool.
joe rogan
Here's what I believe.
shane gillis
I knew I was right.
I knew the end of the story was there.
ari shaffir
It was a 10 seconds off.
joe rogan
If you lived that guy's life, you would be him.
And if he lived your life, he would be you.
That's what's real.
shane gillis
Yeah.
unidentified
He's cool.
joe rogan
And the Mansi Teo thing, if you were that guy, you would be him.
And you would get duped, too.
ari shaffir
If you grew up some Christian virgin.
And some lady's like, I actually like you.
joe rogan
Everybody is susceptible.
And the more we fucking realize that...
The problem is we're not realizing that everybody's susceptible.
We're thinking, I wouldn't get caught with that.
You wouldn't get caught with that because your dad's a good guy.
And your mom is a fucking physicist.
And you live in Long Island.
And you read a lot of books.
mark normand
That's a good point.
joe rogan
But if you were fucked...
And you were that guy.
You would be that guy.
In every fucking situation.
In every crackhead that's on the court.
Those fucking people we saw today when we were at the gas station.
mark normand
Yeah, that was wild.
joe rogan
How about the gas station?
Let's talk about the gas station today.
mark normand
Insane.
It was like GTA out there.
joe rogan
It's like, I couldn't save them.
ari shaffir
Her neck went out, and then her head started.
shane gillis
Her nose was gone.
joe rogan
She had a fucking terrible scar all over her forehead.
It was bleeding, and her nose was bleeding.
So she...
Face planted recently.
ari shaffir
She looked like Nate Diaz round four.
mark normand
Worse.
joe rogan
Nate would be happy to look like that.
He could still keep going.
mark normand
Yeah, she was fucked up.
shane gillis
It was very fun to watch a homeless lady whose face was destroyed approach Rogi's.
ari shaffir
I was.
shane gillis
All I wanted was a spinning body kick.
I wasn't worried about her.
mark normand
That would have shattered her.
shane gillis
Yeah, the other guy.
The dude who showed up.
mark normand
The white guy?
joe rogan
The dude who came over.
I just said no.
ari shaffir
Protect the money, man?
joe rogan
He was too healthy.
ari shaffir
I saw him coming over.
I was in the passenger seat.
I was like, let me protect the money.
He was like 28. Let me protect our fucking guy.
Let me walk around the front.
joe rogan
Yeah, that guy was like, he was like well-fed, cracked out.
ari shaffir
He was a problem.
He could have been a problem.
joe rogan
He was an issue.
I had to say to him, no.
ari shaffir
Yeah, no.
joe rogan
No.
He just, you guys, no.
mark normand
Yeah, shut it down early.
ari shaffir
Shut it down.
joe rogan
That was a bad gas station.
Those exist all over the country, but that was the worst.
I've been there before.
ari shaffir
I pulled in before and just go, nah, and just pulled off.
joe rogan
But I wasn't worried about the guy as much as I was sad about the lady.
The lady was so disturbing to me.
mark normand
That was bad.
joe rogan
That was a lady that probably fostered, oh, look, someone's going to go pee.
Where you going, bitch?
unidentified
I'm gonna go pee.
mark normand
Your headphones are back on.
shane gillis
Fucking dork!
joe rogan
Give me another beer, bitch.
shane gillis
Bust out that fucking eagle.
Let's go!
I'll be honest.
The reason I was going out there was to get more beers.
unidentified
That's all.
ari shaffir
I'll get more.
joe rogan
You stay right here.
mark normand
Ari's going to go get them.
joe rogan
Ari's going to get more beers.
shane gillis
There's still a full beer for you?
mark normand
You're nursing that warm eagle.
joe rogan
Go.
unidentified
That's got to be easy.
shane gillis
That's got to be a warm up.
joe rogan
5, 6, 7, 8, 9.
It's still cold.
shane gillis
No, the only reason I went out there was to get more beers.
unidentified
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
Have a seat.
I'll take care of that.
shane gillis
Joe, I swear to God.
mark normand
This is a Mexican standoff here.
shane gillis
Joe, I'll die.
joe rogan
I'll die right here.
shane gillis
I'll literally piss right here.
joe rogan
And I am going to donate money to the charity of your choice.
mark normand
Oh, man.
ari shaffir
After you perish.
joe rogan
After you perish in this fruitless race.
mark normand
This is going to be an R. Kelly situation.
joe rogan
I've got real problems when it comes to this kind of stuff.
mark normand
Competition.
joe rogan
This will go on forever.
shane gillis
When it comes to the only thing I can beat you in is drinking and not peeing.
joe rogan
Maybe.
shane gillis
No, no, definitely.
unidentified
You can beat him in drinking, but he will win on peeing.
joe rogan
But volume is just like, how much do you weigh?
260. I weigh 199 this morning.
shane gillis
I don't know what that means.
joe rogan
199 is like 199 with like 15 drinks.
mark normand
This is getting ugly, folks.
We gotta turn these mics off.
shane gillis
Joe, I promise.
unidentified
To the death.
mark normand
I promise!
shane gillis
There's a lot of things you can beat me in.
unidentified
Sweetie.
shane gillis
Everything.
joe rogan
Sweetie.
shane gillis
But when it comes to drinking?
joe rogan
Volume.
For sure volume.
shane gillis
I'll chug a fucking bottle of fucking whiskey.
joe rogan
Yeah, volume.
mark normand
But take it, Kat.
shane gillis
I mean, you're saying volume.
I don't know how...
joe rogan
But how long can you wait before you have to pee?
shane gillis
I can hold off.
joe rogan
Because I can wait forever.
shane gillis
I'll die.
mark normand
I'll die to witness.
unidentified
Have you pissed yet?
joe rogan
No.
mark normand
Oh.
shane gillis
Yeah, but he hasn't drank shit.
joe rogan
I drank a lot.
That's why I can't talk that good.
shane gillis
You drank a cowardly amount.
mark normand
Well.
joe rogan
I drank multiple bonkets.
shane gillis
I'm drinking water also.
joe rogan
You got water?
mark normand
I haven't had a sip of water in a lot of hours.
joe rogan
What's it called?
Wouldn't you do that?
shane gillis
Eagle thing?
Shot?
joe rogan
Asshole?
What's it called?
shane gillis
I don't know.
Jamie brought this bullshit.
mark normand
It's a beer bong.
joe rogan
Beer bong.
shane gillis
There you go.
joe rogan
But it's like, whatever it is.
I've drank a couple of those.
mark normand
Eagle cum.
joe rogan
Multiple.
There's not much whiskey left.
mark normand
You got that right.
shane gillis
I had a bunch of Bud Lights.
joe rogan
Don't try to diminish my participation.
shane gillis
Joe, I'm not saying your participation is diminished.
mark normand
Oh boy.
joe rogan
The problem is you've set a precedent.
shane gillis
I did.
I set a nasty precedent.
joe rogan
And you're going to have to pee before me.
mark normand
Oh baby!
For sure.
For sure.
joe rogan
You have to decide what you're going to do.
It's up to you.
mark normand
I'm here to mediate.
joe rogan
It's up to you.
mark normand
You've peed twice now.
shane gillis
Yeah, I mean, I didn't know there was a competition going on.
ari shaffir
I give it to Shane.
Once he realizes the competition, it starts then.
shane gillis
Once the competition starts, let me pee first.
joe rogan
There's places that we can go.
mark normand
Wait a minute, Shane's got a breathalyzer over there.
What is that thing?
joe rogan
A breathalyzer!
mark normand
Oh, let's check Rogan, because I don't think he's that hammer.
joe rogan
Let's see what's going on.
mark normand
Sober as an eagle.
shane gillis
I'll bet you he's more sober than me.
joe rogan
I'm probably more sober than you, but that has nothing to do with peas.
ari shaffir
Zero peas.
You gotta give it up, guys.
shane gillis
I'll respect it, but he hasn't drank as much as me.
I drank quadruple what he drank.
joe rogan
You definitely drank more.
ari shaffir
Let's all drive out of here.
joe rogan
What do I have to do, Jamie?
shane gillis
I'm gonna take to the road.
mark normand
Also, Rogan has years of training of this podcast.
He's sitting with Boring Nottenberg and whatever the fuck.
Lex Friedman and Weinstein.
joe rogan
I'm going to keep blowing.
ari shaffir
Lex Friedman's...
mark normand
Zuckerberg, boy, that was a snooze fest, huh?
I don't know how you do it.
Oh, so boring.
Zuckerberg.
joe rogan
It died, Jamie.
It died!
ari shaffir
That's how drunk you are.
shane gillis
Damn, you broke it.
mark normand
Nice job, Tiger Woods.
joe rogan
I'm not planning on driving.
Okay.
mark normand
Alright, here we go.
joe rogan
Seven.
ari shaffir
Kids out there, never breathe into a breathalyzer.
Make them take your blood.
mark normand
Yeah.
shane gillis
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Get that extra hour.
mark normand
Carry peanut butter in your glove compartment.
shane gillis
Really?
Toss that in your mouth?
It hides the alcohol?
mark normand
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Really?
unidentified
Wow.
mark normand
I got out of a ticket because of that.
joe rogan
Let's see what we got here.
mark normand
What do you got?
0.08?
ari shaffir
Spinning.
Uh-oh.
unidentified
It's like, how is he alive?
shane gillis
Nothing.
joe rogan
0.009.
I'm legal to drive.
ari shaffir
No, no.
0.009.
You're 1.01.
mark normand
That's weak.
ari shaffir
0.08 is the limit.
joe rogan
Oh, I'm almost ready to drive.
ari shaffir
Give me an hour and I'll drive.
mark normand
Wait, how did we not bring this out earlier?
JMO, good call.
unidentified
Is that real?
joe rogan
Is that real, Jamie?
I'm pretty fucking hammered.
How can I drive with one tenth of this?
mark normand
Well, the eagle bomb really puts you over the edge.
joe rogan
Oh, that's the weed.
I wouldn't go next.
ari shaffir
I'd give it to Norman next.
shane gillis
How do I blow in this?
ari shaffir
Give it to Norman next.
joe rogan
No, no, no.
Let it chain.
He's got it in his hand.
Don't be orchestrating.
ari shaffir
He's going to be the number one.
shane gillis
What do I have to do?
joe rogan
Blow for five seconds.
It'll beep until you stop blowing.
mark normand
Like my watch.
joe rogan
Did it count down?
Bye!
unidentified
Is that countdown done?
joe rogan
That was perfect.
That was perfect.
mark normand
Ah, there you go.
I'm a comedian.
ari shaffir
Keep it in his mouth.
mark normand
Here we go.
Oh, that's a tiny mouth.
joe rogan
You good?
shane gillis
Nice.
mark normand
Wait a minute.
You guys are talking about oral herpes all night.
shane gillis
He switched it up.
We switched it up.
mark normand
Oh, all right.
Can I get a new one, too?
shane gillis
Yeah.
joe rogan
What's it say?
shane gillis
I'm nothing.
ari shaffir
No, you're not nothing.
shane gillis
I'm nice and easy.
ari shaffir
Show it, bro.
joe rogan
No, I don't believe it.
shane gillis
.14.
ari shaffir
Wow.
joe rogan
A little more hammered than me.
ari shaffir
Almost 50% more.
mark normand
More than 50% more.
joe rogan
Almost 50% more body mass.
ari shaffir
More than 50% more.
No, no.
Blood, alcohol.
It's not about body mass.
joe rogan
No, we're talking about volume for peeing.
mark normand
Oh.
shane gillis
My volume's insane, dude.
My volume's quadruple.
joe rogan
You're right.
I was trying to find a way that I could win.
shane gillis
I like it.
ari shaffir
I respect that.
shane gillis
You beat me in almost everything.
You can't beat me in this.
unidentified
No, no, no.
mark normand
Joe, we'll see.
ari shaffir
It's a fool's game, Joe.
shane gillis
Let's keep bonging beers.
mark normand
Yes, keep bonging.
ari shaffir
Joe, it's a fool's game.
unidentified
Don't do it.
mark normand
Only time will tell.
shane gillis
You'll back down.
You won't bong another one.
unidentified
I'll find out.
shane gillis
Are you going to bong another one?
unidentified
What?
shane gillis
Bong another one?
joe rogan
Yeah, for sure.
unidentified
I was planning on doing that anyway.
joe rogan
I think I'm speaking too clearly.
ari shaffir
That's.09 talking.
shane gillis
This is going to be pathetic, dude.
You're going to be embarrassed how much you don't drink.
mark normand
I've had a lot of whiskey.
I've had more whiskey than you guys.
shane gillis
You don't drink anything, dude.
ari shaffir
I've had a bunch of Bodega Cat available now online.
mark normand
Look at this.
This is all me.
shane gillis
I hope you drank a sip before you did that.
joe rogan
I had a glass of that.
shane gillis
You might have the lowest.
mark normand
The first thing we poured was Bodega Cat.
.09.
joe rogan
That's me.
ari shaffir
Same as Joe.
mark normand
Alright, alright.
ari shaffir
Bunch of pink wearers out there.
joe rogan
Oh, but pink is a beautiful color.
mark normand
I can't drive though, can I? I'll wear pink underwear.
joe rogan
I don't give a fuck.
mark normand
Can't drive, okay.
ari shaffir
You can in Vancouver.
mark normand
I mean, I can drive.
I'm a great drunk driver.
joe rogan
In Vancouver, you can drive?
shane gillis
No, no, no.
ari shaffir
It's worse there.
mark normand
Yeah, Canada sucks.
joe rogan
Yeah, but Alaska can't give a fuck.
ari shaffir
Alaska, they encourage you to drive.
mark normand
I'll be in Montreal and Toronto and Vancouver.
joe rogan
Like, if you hit a moose, you should be hammered.
shane gillis
Dude, I was in...
joe rogan
That's the only way to survive.
shane gillis
When I went to Australia...
joe rogan
Ari, here we go.
ari shaffir
I got 15 seconds.
shane gillis
When I went to Australia, I had to fly Air Canada.
joe rogan
That doesn't make any sense.
shane gillis
Dude, they made me wear a mask the whole time.
mark normand
It doesn't...
It's silly.
joe rogan
You keep people safe.
shane gillis
The mask was below my nose, and a fucking male stortus tapped my shoulder, like, hard, like...
Sir?
joe rogan
That's it.
mark normand
Alright, what do you got, old man?
ari shaffir
I say 7-4.
mark normand
Ah, you see?
We're more than you.
ari shaffir
No, shut up.
shane gillis
I'm definitely going to beat you guys.
ari shaffir
I'm definitely going to beat you guys.
I'm going to beat Shane, but I probably will.
shane gillis
You're not going to beat me.
mark normand
How are Bud Lights beating liquor?
ari shaffir
Multiple.
mark normand
0.6?
ari shaffir
0.06.
I can drive.
joe rogan
Yeah, you can drive.
This is wrong!
unidentified
No!
No way!
mark normand
What do you mean, no way?
joe rogan
I've got liquor in me!
America trusts you!
unidentified
No!
Plus four!
ari shaffir
Three of those!
unidentified
Plus three of these!
joe rogan
America trusts you!
unidentified
Plus three of these!
joe rogan
No way!
Do you know in Texas, if you drink at all, if you have one drink, and you tell the officer you had a drink, they arrest you.
ari shaffir
Dude, no way.
mark normand
Ah, see, that sucks.
ari shaffir
What?
joe rogan
Come on.
mark normand
I'm trying to have abortions here, Joe.
joe rogan
I don't think they're legal.
ari shaffir
No way.
joe rogan
Is it scary having kids?
You don't believe it?
ari shaffir
I can drive right now in most states.
joe rogan
Yeah, you look good.
mark normand
Are you scared of having kids?
shane gillis
You can definitely drive.
joe rogan
That's bullshit.
Stop losing confidence in yourself.
unidentified
How do you feel?
ari shaffir
I lose confidence in the system.
mark normand
Feel wasted?
joe rogan
The system?
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
Or this little machine that we bought off Amazon.
shane gillis
The machine.
unidentified
That's a bullshit machine.
No way.
joe rogan
I feel like I need at least six hours before I can drive.
shane gillis
I can definitely take to the road right now.
mark normand
I can totally take to the road.
unidentified
Let's do it.
ari shaffir
Let's do it.
Joe, give us all Porsches.
Let's go.
unidentified
Fuck yeah.
Is it scary having kids?
joe rogan
What is that from?
shane gillis
That's a good question.
mark normand
I'd like to have kids one day.
Do you want kids?
ari shaffir
No way.
shane gillis
Definitely.
mark normand
Yeah.
Seems like fun.
Ain't that five?
shane gillis
Joe, you're going to be banged up.
unidentified
I can't wait to see Hammered Rogue.
Hold on.
mark normand
Silent fart, shit.
shane gillis
Joe, what's it like being jacked, dude?
joe rogan
It's better than not being jacked.
shane gillis
Does it feel weird?
joe rogan
That's why I do it.
unidentified
No.
mark normand
It's a lot of work, though.
joe rogan
Yeah.
It's a lot of work, but it comes with mental health benefits.
mark normand
That's true.
shane gillis
I bet.
mark normand
That's true.
shane gillis
We worked out today, this morning, and I feel good.
I feel good about myself.
joe rogan
I wrote that the other day on Instagram because I was like, right after I got off this bike that I didn't want to fucking do, I did 45 minutes on this stupid fucking Airdyne Echo bike.
shane gillis
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
I was like, this is good for you, man.
You should do it.
Everybody should do it.
And I didn't say it to, like, shame people don't do it.
unidentified
I said it to, like, and people are like, oh, some professional athletes also experience anxiety.
joe rogan
So that negates what you're saying.
That's not true.
Like, it's good for everybody.
ari shaffir
Everybody.
joe rogan
And I do it a lot because I think it's important for me.
I know it helps me.
If I can do tough shit or hard things, it helps me.
mark normand
Everybody should.
joe rogan
They should.
It's not a matter of someone's better than you.
That's the problem.
People think about Republicans versus Democrats, right versus left, pro-abortion versus anti-abortion.
ari shaffir
Burt versus Tom?
joe rogan
Yeah, same thing.
Garth Brooks versus serial killers.
It's all the same shit.
mark normand
Muhammad Ali versus Bruce Lee.
joe rogan
We're all just fucking people, man.
mark normand
Yeah, we're all just people.
The political bullshit stinks.
joe rogan
It's nonsense.
ari shaffir
It's annoying.
They're just bores.
joe rogan
We don't have to get into that.
ari shaffir
They're all bores.
joe rogan
We don't have to do it.
We don't have to do it.
unidentified
America!
joe rogan
Fuck yeah!
Having kids is great.
Because you like people, right?
We're all people.
We came from babies.
Everybody that you love came from a child.
mark normand
What about the early years when they're annoying and crying and shitting on your face?
joe rogan
What about the early years of stand-up, when you first started learning how to bomb?
What about fucking everything you've ever done in life, where you're trying to figure out what the fuck you're doing?
That's part of what life is, trying to figure out what you're doing.
There's no better representation of that than a child.
mark normand
Yeah, well said.
joe rogan
Because you're getting them from the fucking very beginning.
ari shaffir
I don't want to like that.
joe rogan
You're getting them from the very beginning.
That's why I had this conversation with you on the way over here.
I think you'd be a great dad.
I really do.
shane gillis
Oh, you'd be such a good dad.
joe rogan
You'd be a great dad.
shane gillis
But you're 57. He's 85 years old, but he's a good person.
ari shaffir
Please don't exaggerate slightly.
Go full or not at all.
shane gillis
Not even 10 years.
joe rogan
It's not bad, man.
Everybody comes from people.
I'm getting better at it.
You don't recognize what a person is until you have a child and you realize that everybody used to be a baby.
shane gillis
Yes.
joe rogan
It's a real weird revelation that happens.
And a lot of my friends that have had kids, they've had the same revelation.
mark normand
But isn't it scary that everybody's fucked up?
Yeah, it's scary, but everything's scary.
We all have our own problems.
joe rogan
Yeah, but Mark Norman, my whole fucking life is scary.
Everything I've ever done is scary.
mark normand
You just gotta go for it.
joe rogan
You gotta be scared.
Everything I've ever done that's important has been scary.
mark normand
That's a good point.
joe rogan
All of it.
No, Ari, every time you've ever done stand-up, if you've meant something that's important to you, it's scary.
mark normand
But aren't you worried that you have two daughters?
Yeah, three.
joe rogan
I'm worried about everybody.
ari shaffir
I'm worried about scary, too.
This is a bad idea.
joe rogan
But if you had children, I'd be worried about your children, too.
mark normand
Of course.
joe rogan
I worry about people I don't know.
That fucking poor lady with the fucking vertical neck.
unidentified
Yeah, yeah.
shane gillis
The hunchback of the Texaco.
joe rogan
She might be a mom.
ari shaffir
We don't know.
mark normand
She was a baby.
joe rogan
At one point in time, that was a baby.
That was a baby with unlimited potential.
And she got the wrong set of circumstances, the wrong genetics, the wrong life choices, the wrong people around her, the wrong influences, foster care, who knows?
And now she's at a fucking gas station, cracked out with scabs all over her face and her nose, and she's begging for money so she can do meth.
Is that good or is that bad?
That's not good.
That's all of us, man.
If you lived that lady's life, you would be her.
That's what's the most fucked up.
The one thing that we don't want to admit is that we're all the products of all the individual experiences that we've had.
mark normand
But my point is, your kids are gonna have their own fucked up-ness, and you just gotta...
Yeah, but you have yours.
That's what I'm saying.
You gotta accept that.
joe rogan
You have yours and you're beautiful.
You have yours and you're beautiful.
You go on stage, and you tell jokes, and people fucking howl laughing, and you change the world.
You make people feel better.
mark normand
I know, but...
joe rogan
But that could be possible for everybody.
Just like, would you say that to a person who's just doing an open mic?
Don't do it.
You're gonna bomb.
You're gonna wanna kill yourself.
unidentified
No, never.
ari shaffir
People do say that to them.
joe rogan
It's wrong.
unidentified
I know.
mark normand
That's life.
joe rogan
That's all of life.
That's why it's important to do other shit.
That's why it's important to do difficult shit outside of stand-up.
Like, not just stand-up, man.
I mean, if you're a fucking painter, if you're a fucking guy who makes music, if you're a person who writes books, do difficult shit.
It's good for your brain.
mark normand
I agree.
joe rogan
It's good for your brain.
mark normand
But you're not worried about them?
joe rogan
I am worried about you.
I'm worried about them.
I'm worried about Shane.
I'm worried about Burt Kresher.
unidentified
What the fuck?
joe rogan
If Burt Kresher dies of a fucking heart attack, I'll fucking be so sad, I'll be crying forever.
ari shaffir
Burt Kresher will die this Sober October, and it will not stop our competition.
joe rogan
These guys keep wanting to do this.
I don't understand it.
shane gillis
I'll do Sober October.
joe rogan
No way.
mark normand
No way.
shane gillis
Toss me in, dog.
joe rogan
When we were talking about...
We're talking about like...
shane gillis
What do you mean, no way?
mark normand
A whole month of no booze?
shane gillis
Are you nuts?
mark normand
No, are you crazy?
joe rogan
You can do it.
shane gillis
You're a negative force, though.
mark normand
I mean, I want you to do it.
joe rogan
It's not impossible.
mark normand
Maybe I think I couldn't do it.
shane gillis
I want you to do it.
mark normand
I can't do it.
I like a cocktail.
joe rogan
It's good.
It's good every now and then.
I'm selling an alcohol.
ari shaffir
It sucks every time.
mark normand
I have a podcast called We Might Be Drunk.
That's all we do is drink.
ari shaffir
You know it sucks.
unidentified
I like things that suck.
ari shaffir
I know, but it sucks.
joe rogan
I didn't mind it.
mark normand
It sucks, right?
ari shaffir
But you do mind it.
mark normand
Well, the yoga thing sucks.
joe rogan
Because you know it's going to end.
ari shaffir
You know it's going to end, but it sucks while it's going on.
Especially the first week.
joe rogan
It doesn't, but it's not suck.
Like, overall.
unidentified
No, no, no.
ari shaffir
But it sucks.
mark normand
It sucks while it's happening.
joe rogan
But everything sucks.
mark normand
It's good.
ari shaffir
Looking back on them are great.
October 1st, you're like, God damn it.
joe rogan
My friend Steve Rinella told me something once.
He hosts this show, Meteor.
He's like this professional hunter character.
mark normand
Holy shit!
That was the best take yet!
Wow!
joe rogan
Jamie is an animal.
mark normand
Man, that was incredible.
shane gillis
Jamie is a fucking beast.
mark normand
He's an animal.
unidentified
There's a reason it's a swing state.
joe rogan
So, Steve Rinella said this to me, he says, it's fun that you have while you're having it, but you never think about it later.
Like riding a roller coaster.
It's fun while it's happening.
But you never talk about, like, man, I rode that roller coaster, and there's shit that sucks while you're doing it.
But after it's over, you have the best fucking stories.
Remember that time when we got trapped in the fucking snow, your car broke down?
We had to walk four miles, and our toes were numb, and we got to this place, and these people led us into their fucking house, and we were freezing our dick off.
We couldn't believe we survived.
That's amazing.
mark normand
It is.
joe rogan
But that's the difference.
Right.
Having a child, like, is it gonna suck?
Yeah, if you're gonna have a regular life, there's gonna be moments that suck.
Did it suck for you?
Yeah, it sucked for me.
But it's gonna suck for every fucking human that's ever born.
Don't be scared of that.
That's what makes us us.
mark normand
That's a good way to put it.
Seinfeld was on Comedians and Cars, and he had this badass, whatever, Porsche, and it kept breaking down.
And the other comic was like, this sucks, doesn't it?
So he goes, yeah, but life sucks.
This is what it's all about.
You've got to push through and get it started.
And then when you drive it, and when it works, it's great.
joe rogan
That's why it's not good to live in L.A., because it's always sunny.
You need rain.
You need cold.
You need a reality check.
The only reality check L.A. has is L.A. has the mountains when it rains.
You can see the mountains like, oh, they're right there.
And then L.A. has the ocean.
And fires.
And earthquakes.
There's a few moments that give you a little fucking bitch.
You ain't shit.
Just a little bitch.
Shut the fuck up.
ari shaffir
Mountain lion attacks.
joe rogan
Those are really rare.
Nobody gets affected by a mountain lion.
ari shaffir
Remember the Santa Monica one?
40 million people.
He was just on the promenade and got fucked up.
joe rogan
Mountain lion.
ari shaffir
Wait, what?
joe rogan
Big cat.
Walking around.
mark normand
Well, it's why the funniest guys are from Boston.
It's just...
joe rogan
Harsh.
ari shaffir
Harshness.
mark normand
Bleak, cold, mean, blue-collar cunts.
joe rogan
People have no patience for your nonsense.
mark normand
Nothing keeps you funny than keeping you in check.
Yeah, I think comedy has lost that.
It used to be all about check.
Patrice going, that's hacky, you suck.
What are you talking about?
ari shaffir
I met a Houston comic at Skankfest, and I was like, how's the Houston scene?
And he goes, it's not great right now.
And I'm like, why not?
He goes, the older comics, they don't shit on us anymore.
So we're not feeling the pain we should.
mark normand
They go, you're great, you're nice, you can't say this, you can't say that.
joe rogan
Yeah, that's important, man.
mark normand
It's important.
joe rogan
It's important.
mark normand
That's why Roast Battle's great.
joe rogan
Roast Battle's great.
And these are great.
These are kind of like shit-talking.
We sit down and just talk nonsense.
mark normand
Yeah, you need it.
joe rogan
You need it.
And you need it to recognize, like, what are we doing?
What are we doing?
We're having fun.
mark normand
Yeah, yeah.
joe rogan
That's what we're supposed to be doing.
And all this other stuff, like what we were talking about before, that criticism is the tragic result of unmet needs.
mark normand
Ooh!
joe rogan
That's what a lot of it is.
A lot of people that get really mad, like comics that get mad, they're mad because they don't feel where they're supposed to be.
They feel like someone's stealing their shine.
But they're wrong.
It's just like you're missing the whole point.
You get exactly what you deserve.
ari shaffir
We're having fun here.
unidentified
Yeah!
ari shaffir
We're all having fun.
We're all having fun.
joe rogan
You get exactly what you deserve.
And if you didn't get what you wanted, you didn't do it right.
You gotta do the work.
unidentified
That's it.
mark normand
You gotta struggle.
joe rogan
That's it.
That's it.
And are there people that get what they don't deserve of Maybe initially.
mark normand
It doesn't last.
joe rogan
Maybe initially.
Yeah.
It falls apart.
ari shaffir
It's up and down.
I want to make a list of all the comics I was jealous of that are no longer even in stand-up.
mark normand
Yes.
shane gillis
Yes.
mark normand
Big list.
joe rogan
Yeah.
ari shaffir
Big list.
joe rogan
There's a weird moment at every stage of your life where you see people that are doing better than you and you get angry at them.
mark normand
Yeah, go piss pussy.
shane gillis
I'm not going anywhere.
unidentified
Oh!
shane gillis
I'm not going anywhere, dawg.
mark normand
So what trauma happened where you made you this competitive?
There, Jojo Rabbit.
shane gillis
I swear to God, I'm not pissing.
mark normand
I can't wait.
We're going to sit here until Kill Tony happens.
unidentified
Good luck.
mark normand
We're skipping Kill Tony.
shane gillis
I'm going to follow you all night, dawg.
joe rogan
Good luck.
shane gillis
Good luck.
Does anybody have a lighter?
joe rogan
Your bones will crumble.
mark normand
You are dying to piss.
I can tell.
joe rogan
Not even a little bit.
shane gillis
Not even close, dude.
He's had three drinks.
mark normand
We're five hours in here.
shane gillis
I've had 20. He's had two.
ari shaffir
Give me that breathalyzer again.
That's fucking bullshit.
joe rogan
I don't need a breathalyzer to know that I'm not going to pee.
That's all about Will.
ari shaffir
I don't need a new one.
shane gillis
Joe's had five drinks.
joe rogan
I've had 30. You've had probably more than me, but it doesn't matter.
I'm still...
Double.
mark normand
Somebody give J-Mo another bong, by the way.
That was amazing.
unidentified
I drink water.
joe rogan
I drink a lot of water.
shane gillis
I drink a ton of water.
joe rogan
I drink water with liquid IV. I'm very well hydrated.
shane gillis
I couldn't be more hydrated, Joe.
unidentified
You're gonna...
You're gonna...
mark normand
I love liquid IV. Yeah...
shane gillis
Joe, I couldn't be more hydrated.
joe rogan
I couldn't be more excited.
We're in a competition.
shane gillis
I'll die, dude.
Love the competition.
mark normand
What'd you get, Ari?
A Star David?
joe rogan
I'm going to send you a video at 3 in the morning when I finally decide to pee.
ari shaffir
It's a lot bigger than last time.
joe rogan
I'm going to hold it in even after we leave here.
Just for...
Out of principle.
Give me one.
mark normand
Yeah!
unidentified
You won't.
joe rogan
Oh, I won't.
You're cute.
mark normand
Oh, cute!
joe rogan
You don't understand what's happening here.
mark normand
Cute!
ari shaffir
Cute's never a compliment.
mark normand
That's condescending.
joe rogan
This is adorable.
You're going to the death.
shane gillis
You understand how cute I am, motherfucker?
mark normand
Yeah, he's a cute kid.
shane gillis
I don't know about you guys, I'm pretty fucked up.
mark normand
Same.
We're all in the same boat.
Those eagles really killed us.
ari shaffir
Can I just say, when you were like, hey, let's do another one this date, I was like, no, no, too early.
And I'm like, I'm fucking loving this.
shane gillis
You won't joke that, Joe?
ari shaffir
You won't.
Joe, I don't think you will.
joe rogan
You guys are adorable.
ari shaffir
You won't, though.
mark normand
I woke up at 4 a.m.
ari shaffir
He's about to put it down and not joke that.
today.
shane gillis
Joe, you won't joke that.
ari shaffir
You won't.
joe rogan
Oh, peer pressure.
I'm going to hold onto it for a little bit.
mark normand
Just talk to you guys.
shane gillis
Yeah, coward.
You won't do it right now.
unidentified
Come on.
mark normand
You come guzzled Nazi.
Put it down.
Yeah, fear factor sucked.
Here we go, news radio.
unidentified
Yeah.
mark normand
All right.
joe rogan
Well, I mean...
If you wanted to talk to me about whether Fear Factor sucked, I'd probably agree with you.
ari shaffir
Fear Factor rules.
mark normand
It wasn't a bad show.
joe rogan
It was fun for what it was.
shane gillis
Why would you say that, Mark?
joe rogan
If you had to choose between Fear Factor and Apocalypse now, Fear Factor sucked.
shane gillis
Mark says nasty things like that.
joe rogan
Fear Factor or Game of Thrones, Fear Factor sucked.
mark normand
Well, that was a good reality show.
shane gillis
Mark says nasty things.
joe rogan
Fear Factor or UFC, Fear Factor sucked.
ari shaffir
I mean, yeah, it's comparison.
mark normand
Good for what it was.
joe rogan
No, if Fear Factor's on when the UFC's on, you're going to tape Fear Factor.
shane gillis
Mark, why did you say that?
mark normand
He's doing a bong hit.
joe rogan
He's right.
mark normand
I watch the show, and I watch news radio.
I actually enjoy news radio.
Dave Foley's awesome.
joe rogan
He's the best.
He's a big UFO believer now.
ari shaffir
Really?
mark normand
Really.
joe rogan
He saw one.
No, he saw one.
Legitimately, he drew it.
ari shaffir
I wonder what percentage of celebrities have seen UFOs versus non-celebrities.
joe rogan
No, listen, Dave Foley is one of the most legitimately introspective, objective people I've ever met in my life.
When Dave Foley talks about things, if you ask him, hey Dave, what do you think about this?
He'll go, Hmm, and he'll think about it like legitimately think he'll never give you an off-the-cuff like knee-jerk reaction He's a really thoughtful intelligent person.
I agree when he talks about shit He talks about shit.
It's like when we were on fear fact or news radio together in like the 90s He thought it was a fucking idiot for believe in UFOs Yeah, because that was like my my gig on the show go to like I was the the the fucking engineer in the show believing conspiracy theories Which is real.
Like, at the time, I was 27, and I was just getting on the internet.
So I'd get on AOL.com, and I would download all these fucking UFO documents, and I'd bring them to work.
I'm like, do you guys understand that they shut down military bases?
And they'd be like, shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up, you fucking meathead!
unidentified
Get out of here!
shane gillis
Isn't it a bummer that UFOs are real?
joe rogan
What does that mean, though?
shane gillis
Here's the thing.
It's real, no one cares.
ari shaffir
You think they're from another planet?
mark normand
Well, we don't have proof.
joe rogan
It's not defined.
No, the problem is it's not defined.
mark normand
That's what I'm saying.
joe rogan
Here's the problem.
ari shaffir
What are you saying?
mark normand
I'm saying there's no proof.
shane gillis
You don't know anything, Mark.
mark normand
I don't know anything, but there's no proof of UFOs, so that's why I don't put any stock into it because I'm like, I'll wait until it happens.
ari shaffir
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is happening right now.
mark normand
Then I'll start caring.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
joe rogan
What proof?
ari shaffir
I hear you.
mark normand
I need physical proof.
ari shaffir
At the beginning of Signs, was it Signs?
Where they're all out there?
joe rogan
No.
ari shaffir
The movie?
That kind of shit.
Yeah.
Where you're like, I want to see, hey, they're here.
mark normand
Yeah, then I'll start giving a fuck.
It just feels like we've got problems here, so I'm not going to think about space.
ari shaffir
Yeah.
mark normand
A lot of people give a shit about space.
shane gillis
You're worried about racism.
mark normand
Yes.
That's a big problem in the U.S. No, I'm just worried about people here, your family, your career, money, whatever.
joe rogan
Imagine if you were an aunt and you were living in the Pacific Northwest.
mark normand
I'm an uncle.
I can't help it.
joe rogan
Imagine if you're living in the middle of nowhere and you're an aunt and there's no people go there because you're in the fucking deep, deep, deep forest.
And some fucking weirdo hippies decide to take a backpacking journey into the fucking mountains, and they step on your anthill.
unidentified
Oof.
joe rogan
You've never met people before.
You don't know what the fuck this is.
You've only been alive for a week.
And your objective is to do whatever...
I don't know how the colonies communicate with each other, but they somehow communicate with each other where they can build these ant colonies.
Where they have these mounds and inside these mounds there's like super complex, like especially leaf cutter ants, super complex systems where they have like vents where they go up through the fucking forest floor and they have leaves they chop up and they ferment and they release gases through the floor.
They fucking somehow or another understand how to do this.
And then all of a sudden, and you've never seen a person.
And a fucking hippie with Birkenstocks stomps on your fucking anthill, because it doesn't even see it, because it's like looking at its GPS and just wandering around, and all of a sudden it stomps on it.
You didn't think that a hippie ever existed, but now you're confronted with the reality that they're real, and they've destroyed your little village that you've built somehow.
You don't even know why you did it.
You're just doing it through scents and firmones.
And you're like picking up frequencies that we don't even understand, that are interrupted by cell phone communication, and these fucking ants somehow or another have to deal with the fact that some hippie just stomped on their fucking ant hill inadvertently.
That's us.
That's us with the universe.
There are things out there that have lived a million years longer than us.
If you believe what they know right now about the universe, they know That there's more planets and more solar systems and more physical bodies than there are grains of sand on all the beaches and the earth.
The odds that one of them wouldn't have been alive two, three, four, five, six, A hundred million years longer than us are very small.
So something has probably come here.
And that thing is very similar to the way we would react to it, the way a fucking anthill would react to a hippie stomping on it.
That's how we have to think about it.
ari shaffir
They come once in a long while.
joe rogan
They might be here all the time.
They might be here all the time, just like we're here in a podcast studio in Austin while there's ants over in San Antonio that have never been contacted by human beings.
shane gillis
College football is about to start.
And if these fucking dumb pussies show up and ruin that...
ari shaffir
Who?
shane gillis
Gay aliens?
mark normand
Oh, gay aliens.
You don't want that.
shane gillis
They show up with bullshit.
It's like, dude, just let me enjoy Notre Dame.
ari shaffir
Come back in March.
shane gillis
Just let me enjoy this.
joe rogan
I bet that's exactly how Australopithecus felt when someone figured out how to make Flint tools.
What are you doing, pussy?
shane gillis
Yeah, dude.
unidentified
You're fucking up my ability to rip a rat apart with my teeth.
joe rogan
I like to eat rats with my teeth.
mark normand
Right, right.
joe rogan
You fucking pussies out there using spears.
shane gillis
Are you guys excited for the Freeman era of Notre Dame college football?
joe rogan
You get uncomfortable with this discussion?
shane gillis
What?
ari shaffir
He's just thinking about Notre Dame.
mark normand
He's just thinking about Ohio State.
shane gillis
I'm just thinking about Notre Dame and Ohio State, dude.
You're thinking about peeing.
Me?
mark normand
Are you projecting?
Are you thinking about peeing?
ari shaffir
Oh, that's a good question, Mark.
shane gillis
Not at all.
ari shaffir
That's a solid question.
shane gillis
That's a good question, Mark.
ari shaffir
The interview gets turned on the interviewer.
How does it feel?
joe rogan
What feel?
ari shaffir
How does Mark's...
mark normand
Question.
ari shaffir
Something something of you.
joe rogan
What did he say?
mark normand
I said you brought up peeing.
I think you're projecting.
shane gillis
No, I forgot that that was even a bet.
mark normand
Oh!
shane gillis
That's the ultimate way.
joe rogan
I'm trying to plan it in his head.
ari shaffir
I think this conversation is a new funnel.
unidentified
A new funnel?
mark normand
A new eagle?
unidentified
Okay, let's go.
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