April 23, 2022 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:22:15
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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unidentified
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Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. | ||
| All good, Dan and Soder. | ||
| All good. | ||
| We're up and running. | ||
| What's happening, brother? | ||
|
unidentified
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How are ya? | |
| What's up, Joe Rogan? | ||
| Very nice to meet you officially. | ||
| Very nice to officially meet you. | ||
| I've enjoyed your comedy online. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| It's nice to see you in person. | ||
| Friend of a friend. | ||
| Multiple friends. | ||
| You're in the tight group of excellent people. | ||
| Yeah, thanks. | ||
| You respect it. | ||
| Yeah, I got a lot of funny friends that are also fucking weirdos. | ||
| Yeah, well, I don't know a funny one that's not a weirdo. | ||
| Yeah, show me someone that's funny and they're not gonna be, you know, They can be quiet, but they're weird. | ||
| Everyone who tells jokes for a living is fucking weird. | ||
| Psychos and phonies. | ||
| I said that to Santino. | ||
| We're all either psychos or phonies. | ||
| Is there any phonies that are good, though? | ||
| They get found out. | ||
| Yeah, there's only psychos then. | ||
| No, the phonies... | ||
| They can trick you for a little. | ||
| Because you gotta have a little sweetness in it. | ||
| And then they like whip it into... | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's an awes. | ||
| The phonies are awes. | ||
| They have like the big booming voice and everyone's like, oh! | ||
| And then it's just a guy behind a curtain. | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| Well, the scary for the phonies must be when they get caught stealing jokes. | ||
| Because then they have to write all their own jokes afterwards. | ||
| And they don't really know how to do that. | ||
| That's hard. | ||
| It's the hardest. | ||
| To do writing jokes. | ||
| It's the hardest. | ||
| Coming up with premises, fleshing them out, trying to figure out the right way to do them. | ||
| Seeing people with better jokes. | ||
| There's nothing more of a dick pusher than seeing someone with a great bit and you're like, oh fuck, that's so good. | ||
| Especially on a subject that maybe you were thinking about talking about and then this guy has this fucking perfect bit about it. | ||
| You're like, oh my god, I missed it. | ||
| I was just in Nashville and I saw Chris Porter do this bit about people that are worried about being chipped. | ||
| I'm not going to give away the bit. | ||
| But I watched it and I watched the angles and he got off stage and I was like, I was mad at you by like the third tag. | ||
| By the third tag, I was like, who the fuck is this guy riding a damn near perfect, where like the thought, it's not where you thought it was gonna go, but it makes the most sense. | ||
| You're like, fuck, dude. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Now you gotta go back to your hotel room and hate your act. | ||
| I gotta hate my act for a week. | ||
| There was a fucking company in Europe that was chipping their employees. | ||
| And for normal shit, like getting into a door and like buying something in the commissary. | ||
| But that European attitude, they're like, oh, it's fine. | ||
| I just chip in and the door opens. | ||
|
unidentified
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The door opens, it's no problem. | |
| I go get my little espresso and I come outside. | ||
| I'm chipped, yeah, don't... | ||
| It's always that European attitude that makes me feel like, are we... | ||
| As Americans overly paranoid or are we right? | ||
| That's why like when that Klaus Schwab guy talks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't even know who that is. | ||
| You could have made that name up. | ||
|
unidentified
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You don't know who that guy is? | |
| That sounds like a made up name. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's the head of the World Economic Forum and he dresses like a bad guy in a comic book. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| And I'm not kidding. | ||
| If you have that- I'm telling you, if you're that kind of power, do that. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Honestly, I think you should lean into like, you should start advertising yourself as like a Bond villain. | ||
| Think about it, dude. | ||
| You got the compound in Texas. | ||
| You know karate. | ||
| You're already a Bond villain, dude. | ||
| And then you can just sit in a chair and be like, Jamie, pull it up. | ||
| The world must pay me. | ||
| Do it, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I wish that was a real thing. | ||
| But this guy is a real thing. | ||
| Dude, I can't wait to see this guy. | ||
| Check this guy out. | ||
| Now, let me show you what he looks like, though. | ||
| Can you say his name again? | ||
| Klaus Schwab. | ||
| No, but let me show you what he looks like with his crazy outfit on. | ||
| Damn, dude, he's a basset hound. | ||
| Oh, there's a lot of pictures. | ||
| But Klaus Schwab superhero outfit. | ||
| Put that on. | ||
| Just type that in Google. | ||
| Klaus Schwab. | ||
| Because he looks like a fucking superhero. | ||
| Like a bad guy. | ||
| Like a super villain. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Oh, dude, there it is. | ||
| Is that Ebola? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, no. | |
| What is this? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Space Federation. | ||
| You will never have your freedom. | ||
| We will control your chips. | ||
| He looks like he makes pod people. | ||
| Imagine walking out of the house with that on going, oh yeah. | ||
| Honey, do you have my weird insulated vest? | ||
| What is that made out of? | ||
| Is that a brooch? | ||
| Is that like the Patagonia type material? | ||
| Look at the fucking thing! | ||
| Look at the whole thing! | ||
| That makes me think he's worn a mask at an orgy. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| If you're wearing that in public, you're putting on deer antlers and a robe and fucking someone. | ||
| You're going to Bohemian Globes. | ||
| Yeah, you're one of those guys. | ||
| You're in a marble room fucking a lady that worked at Twin Peaks. | ||
| Bro, what is that outfit? | ||
| Jamie, get that photograph and we're gonna make a large metal print of it for the studio. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Klaus Schwab. | ||
| I am Klaus Schwab. | ||
| But when you hear him talk about the young global leaders of the world economic form, you're like, oh my god, you're a movie guy. | ||
| You're a character. | ||
| You're a living villain. | ||
| You're a living villain. | ||
| And lean into it. | ||
| Well, he's a guy that's like... | ||
| He should have a henchman? | ||
| Supposedly, if you follow the conspiracy theories, he's orchestrating the Great Reset. | ||
| He even wrote a book about it, the Great Reset. | ||
| And then there's conspiracy theories. | ||
| What does the Great Reset mean? | ||
| They're talking about some sort of a financial reset. | ||
| It scares the shit out of me. | ||
| No, live comic book life. | ||
| Make it weird as fuck. | ||
| I would say, if you're going to do that... | ||
| Give the conspiracy people what they want, just a little bit. | ||
| Don't actually do the bad shit. | ||
| But, like, have a photo of you with, like, a goat sacrifice. | ||
| Dude, I would pay, if I was Klaus Schwab, I would pay a lot of money. | ||
| A lot? | ||
| A lot of money, and then dress a person up as an alien, and somehow leak a photo of us shaking hands, and then just drop it on Google, and then watch everyone be like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Yeah, you'd want to drop it through some German website. | ||
| Yeah, or a defunct paper. | ||
| And you're like, oh, this is weird. | ||
| I found this old picture of Klaus Schwab in a gray. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| It's like, as much as we complain about the New York Times and the Washington Post, imagine if all of your news just came from websites. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Look at it the other way. | ||
| Look at it the other way. | ||
| It's all a thing that someone could build in a day. | ||
| Like the New York Times, you can hate them what they are, but that is an institution. | ||
| They have offices, they have a payroll, they have a history. | ||
| You can just have a website drop a picture of Klaus Schwab in a thong with a gray, and it's going to be like, where did this come from? | ||
| But then the internet does what the internet does best, and they take something and run with it. | ||
| And so then it would just be odd. | ||
| There's gonna be conspiracy theories about why Mike Tyson lit that dude up on that plane. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's real simple. | ||
| That dude was a douchebag. | ||
| Yeah, you see the other video? | ||
| He was annoying one of the baddest motherfuckers that's ever walked the face of the earth. | ||
| Talk about kicking a beehive. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing, dude? | ||
| That's not even kicking a beehive. | ||
| It's like smashing, it's headbutting a beehive. | ||
| It's like trying to put your dick in a sleeping bear's mouth. | ||
| He just walked up and was like, I'm going to lower my wiener right into the bear's mouth. | ||
| Mike Tyson, also there's a video that came out of the angle of him talking to someone, and he's like talking shit in a way where you're like, this guy's hammered and doesn't know what's coming. | ||
| Because I bet in his head he's like, he won't punch me, he can't punch me. | ||
| I bet he's a guy that thinks Mike Tyson's hands are registered lethal weapons. | ||
| He strikes me as that guy. | ||
| By the way, I saw the guy's shape, and I was like, that guy would kick the shit out of me. | ||
| That was a thing that people would always say, right? | ||
| He had to register his hands as deadly weapons. | ||
| I think I said it. | ||
| I've spread that around. | ||
| I've been putting out that propaganda. | ||
| Be like, you know I have to register their hands as lethal weapons. | ||
| That's my level of dumb, where you tell me that, and I'm like... | ||
| I knew that was true. | ||
| I wonder if it's a state thing or a federal thing? | ||
| You start worrying, you're like, is that a county or a federal thing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's one of them old-school karate dojo things. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I mean, you were doing karate in the 80s. | ||
| You were actually doing karate. | ||
| But what's funny about the 80s is people just put on outfits. | ||
| You've seen that a couple times in your life. | ||
| Like kung fu outfits, yeah. | ||
| You've seen that a couple times in your life. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Because you know what I always think about? | ||
|
unidentified
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What? | |
| Was UFC when dudes would just rock affliction shirts. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Silver foil writing. | ||
| Yeah, I lived in Tucson in the early 2000s. | ||
| And you'd just see big dudes in affliction shirts. | ||
| And here's the thing. | ||
| I'm not gonna test that theory. | ||
| There was the style. | ||
| Yeah, and they were like super gelled up hair and they're just mean mugging everyone. | ||
| I was rocking liquor t-shirts and shitty dungarees. | ||
| I was like, dude, I ain't gotta see if this guy knows how to fight or not. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Those are the early days. | ||
| That's when things were wild. | ||
| Affliction had their own promotion. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| They got Fedor, didn't they? | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I worked at... | ||
| K-Rock in New York, when Stern left, they turned it to Free FM, and then they brought it back K-Rock with Opie and Anthony. | ||
| And I was doing overnights, and I bought... | ||
| I somehow got that Affliction fight on the TV in the old O&A studio, and that felt like... | ||
| I was like, dude, this is better than working. | ||
| I'm getting paid to watch this Fedor. | ||
| I mean, it was a quick fight, but... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He fought over there a couple times, right? | ||
| He fought Tim Sylvia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think he fought Andre Orlovsky over there, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was fun. | ||
| Was that affliction? | ||
| Were they both affliction? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know the Sylvia fight was affliction. | ||
| They spent a lot of fucking money, man. | ||
| They went crazy. | ||
| They tried to go crazy. | ||
| I knew one of the owners. | ||
| Shout out to Mr. Atencio. | ||
| He's a cool motherfucker. | ||
| They're cool people. | ||
| I also just had the realization that I'm talking to Joe Rogan about this. | ||
| We were just having a conversation. | ||
| I'm like, I'm talking to a guy that actually knows these people. | ||
| It's like a bar talk where you're like... | ||
| Yeah, but I do that too. | ||
| The Sylvia one was... | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Tim Sylvia was a quick one. | ||
| So they had two events. | ||
| Shout out 2008 for me drinking beers in the K-Rock studio. | ||
| They might have had more than two events. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they definitely had those two. | ||
| Did they have more than two events? | ||
| Does it say? | ||
| How many events did Affliction MMA have? | ||
| I think it was just those two. | ||
| They were high level. | ||
| I mean, that must have fucked him with the UFC. Just being like, hey, we're going to do our own fight promotion. | ||
| You're like, what's up? | ||
| You know, the UFC is like, good luck. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| I mean, Dana is super competitive, obviously, but they were never worried about it. | ||
| They were trying to get Fedor for a long time, so it was kind of a bummer. | ||
| He was one of those guys, you want to talk about, like, villainous, that they built up online and they were like, yeah, this guy's fucking just rushing. | ||
| Did you ever watch him fight? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| You just watch him dominate people and you're like, and I like his face. | ||
| He looks like he owns a good diner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See a table for four? | ||
| Oh, hello, buddy. | ||
| He sits down. | ||
| You bring beautiful wife. | ||
| You hang out and then you just watch him take Tim Sylvia, a giant, and just fuck his shit up. | ||
| Fuck his shit up. | ||
| He fucked everybody's shit up. | ||
| I like dudes who can fight that look like they're just sweet. | ||
| Cherub boys. | ||
| Well, Fedor was the ultimate because he was never ripped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, even when he was in his prime, absolute prime, he always had some body fat on him. | ||
| That's why, as a guy that's grown into having a body that's like, I have like 70s WWWF body. | ||
| Do you know, dude, there's something to be said for that. | ||
| Because having a little bit of fat on you doesn't look as good because you're not as shredded, but- Yeah, you jiggle. | ||
| You seem like you have a little bit more endurance. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Is it the fat? | ||
|
unidentified
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Not too much. | |
| Like, he was pretty fat. | ||
| He's our sloppy king. | ||
| Fedor's the sloppy king. | ||
| Yeah, look at that one picture of him there. | ||
| Fuck everybody up. | ||
| He had a brother, right? | ||
| Yes, his brother was jacked. | ||
| His brother was covered in tattoos. | ||
| So my question is, do you think Fedor, who's one of the baddest dudes of all time, is mad that his brother's got a better body? | ||
| Do you think there's that insecurity? | ||
| I don't think anything gets him mad. | ||
| If cage fights don't get him mad, why would anything get him? | ||
| He never changes his expression. | ||
| He's never angry. | ||
| He's never like when he wins. | ||
| When he wins, it's just like, yep, another day in office. | ||
| The man is hurt. | ||
| I want to go have bath. | ||
| Dude, he pulled off some of the most spectacular submissions and finishes and he would climb off like he just left a bathroom. | ||
| I would do absolutely. | ||
| If I got a finish, a quick finish in a fight, I would be jumping up on that cage. | ||
| I'd be doing somersaults. | ||
| I'd just be rolling around that ring. | ||
| Because I can't imagine to be that cool about being that badass is the coolest thing. | ||
| I think that's one of the reasons why he's that badass. | ||
| I think it's his mind. | ||
| He just can shut down. | ||
| Physically, he's got amazing tools. | ||
| He fights very well off his back. | ||
| He fights very well standing up. | ||
| His tools are amazing, no doubt. | ||
| There's nothing about him. | ||
| That's exceptional in terms of like strength or speed or it's it's all like really good Yeah, but so there's certain guys like Alistair Overeem in his prime. | ||
| It was so fucking strong. | ||
| So we're talking about superheroes. | ||
| Oh my god He was the superhero that guy was built like you could put him in just tight like with a star on his chest and be like It's Justice man, and it would look real When he was the K-1 Grand Prix champion, he was like... | ||
| It didn't make sense that anyone built like that was actually a fighter. | ||
| He was like a bodybuilder almost. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Which is funny because I grew up on... | ||
| Look at the fucking build of that guy. | ||
| Great comparison, dude. | ||
| He was so jacked. | ||
| Dude, look at our sloppy king on the left. | ||
| And our sloppy king would be a heavy favorite in an MMA fight between those two back then. | ||
| I not only... | ||
| Look at him there. | ||
| That's when he's fighting Brock Lesnar. | ||
| Bro! | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I mean, what the fuck? | ||
| I would, not only would I bet money on Fedor, look at you in the back, you're just looking at him like, Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| But Fedor's a guy that I would not only bet money on a fight, but then want food recommendations. | ||
| Right, he'd probably know where the good Russian delis are. | ||
| Even the thing, he's like, you get the good blints. | ||
| And you're eating it with your friend and you know, you know Fedor told me about this? | ||
| Yeah, that fucking dude eats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He enjoys life. | ||
| I hope he wears a lot of clothes with fur on them, because he deserves to. | ||
| Do you think he drinks? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In a cool way. | ||
| Must. | ||
| In like a nondescript bottle into a glass... | ||
| His brother was a fucking beast, man. | ||
| And his brother drank a lot. | ||
| Those Russians and those Eastern Europeans? | ||
| I'm a Nuggets fan. | ||
| So we have Nikola Jokic. | ||
| Oh, look at him hammered. | ||
| Hammered with a bottle of vodka. | ||
|
unidentified
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Stoli, dude! | |
| Is that real? | ||
| Is that a real photo that looks a little photoshopped? | ||
| That also could just be a fraternity member at like Ohio State. | ||
| That could be a guy. | ||
| That could be a buck out. | ||
| Just like I fucking happened! | ||
| Or the baddest dude on the planet. | ||
| Yeah, either one. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Big ol' sweater. | ||
| The Last Emperor is a cool name, too. | ||
| And people used to always, online, they would make fun of his sweater of victory, because he had all these really Charlie Brown-looking sweaters. | ||
| He dressed like such a dad. | ||
| I fucking love that. | ||
| He dressed like such a dad. | ||
| He was the baddest man in Russia. | ||
| Yeah, and he was like a myth in the United States, because they couldn't get him in the UFC, so they were like, dude, this guy in Russia. | ||
| Because my friends, I'm a casual fight fan, but then my friends who were super into it, like Louis and Dave Smith, were like, dude, Fedor? | ||
| This guy's fucking crazy. | ||
| He was awesome, but the thing about it is, by the time he was coming to Strikeforce, when Fabrizio Verdun beat him, Like, he had already had so many years on the clock. | ||
| When I think about Fedor, when I think about fighters, I think about fighters during their peak period of performance. | ||
| And during Fedor's peak period of performance was the Noguera fights, it was... | ||
| And the Noguera brothers were like, they like flew them to Russia being like, this is the fight of the century, right? | ||
| Like, when they fought? | ||
| Well, when Noguera, I think, I want to say Noguera lost the title to Fedor. | ||
| See if that's true. | ||
| I'm pretty sure he lost the pride title. | ||
| Could he get the belt around his fucking torso? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'd be awesome if you like- Most of the time they just carry him on their shoulders anyway. | ||
| I know, but I can't snap. | ||
| My head's too big. | ||
| I can't wear a snapback. | ||
| You can't wear any snapbacks? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's on the last one. | ||
|
unidentified
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It pops. | |
| I fucking hate it. | ||
| I like Velcro better anyway. | ||
| I do fitted because I have to wear a size 8 if anyone's wondering. | ||
| It's a big. | ||
| That's a big head, bro. | ||
| You got a lot of brain in there. | ||
| Or water. | ||
| Maybe it's just a thick skull. | ||
| Let's see if I can break this table. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| You ever seen those videos of dudes smashing bricks with their fucking forehead? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Tree punching videos? | ||
| Tree punching is one thing. | ||
| It hurts your hand. | ||
| It doesn't change the way you think. | ||
| Imagine being so dumb that you're gonna change the way you think on purpose. | ||
| You go, I went out to the woods and forgot a couple cousins because I was just smashing my fucking head into a tree. | ||
| This is one video of a dude tries and it doesn't work and then he tries again and he's basically KO'd and he's wobbling around because he just head-butted some fucking marble. | ||
| Is he doing that like, wait, he was doing marble? | ||
| I was on some thick-ass stone, whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| Any of those break videos. | ||
| Again, growing up on action movies in the 80s and the 90s, any time they showed the brick-breaking scenes, I'd always be like, eh, that's not for me. | ||
| I get all the training, but that just seems... | ||
| Did you ever do that in karate? | ||
| Were you breaking boards? | ||
| When we would open up a new school, we would do demonstrations. | ||
| And one of the things that people wanted to see was people breaking boards. | ||
| I broke boards. | ||
| A lot of boards. | ||
| But I only broke boards during demonstrations. | ||
| We never even practiced it. | ||
| So you wouldn't just be at home with your friend and you're like, dude, pick that board up and then just fucking jump off the couch and karate kick it? | ||
| No, we never practiced breaking boards. | ||
| We just practiced for tournaments. | ||
| So when we were breaking a board, it was just for fun. | ||
| You're just like, yeah. | ||
| You just kick it. | ||
| You just kick it. | ||
| They break easy. | ||
| They break so easy. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm trying to think of me trying to kick a board and just missing and be like, fuck, fuck. | ||
| You shouldn't be doing a demonstration. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you guys do it to music? | ||
| Did you guys come out? | ||
| You're the best around! | ||
| Nothing's gonna end! | ||
| Bring that 80s cocaine karate energy. | ||
| That Brian De Palma energy. | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| Just coming out with fritzy music and kicking shit. | ||
| Fucking Star Spangled Banner shorts on. | ||
| Yeah, people like me should not... | ||
| I shouldn't take karate because you're seeing I idolize all the wrong things where I'm like, I'd just be showing off for my friends. | ||
| With those things, that's what gets people into real martial arts. | ||
| The best part about even the karate kid. | ||
| Do you know how many people enrolled in karate schools after the karate kid? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Shit, it must have been nuts. | ||
| I mean the money they were making. | ||
| That's why I loved Fistfoot Way with Danny McRae. | ||
| Because you're like, that's probably the most realistic description of a guy who's like, fuck it, I'll make money. | ||
| Do you know about McDojo Life? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| McDojo Life is an account on Instagram. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| It's all fake karate guys and fake kung fu guys and fake martial-like death touch guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they all like fall down. | ||
| Like a guy comes at him with a knife and he's like, ah! | ||
| Or they do that thing where they just do a quick toss, and then they're done, and it's clearly not a move. | ||
| He had one he put up today that showed a key gong specialist. | ||
| Key gongs are like energy people, and they're making dudes come. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Who comes like that, though? | ||
| I do. | ||
| That's the only way. | ||
| I have to go like this. | ||
| I gotta fish swim, dude. | ||
| It's got music attached to it. | ||
| So is this technically a rub and tug? | ||
| No, it's a hover and tug. | ||
| He can't get popped. | ||
| The cops come in and they're like, dude, I came, but he didn't touch me. | ||
| He just did the hover and nut. | ||
| Yeah, he's pulling a nut out of you like a snake charmer. | ||
| So this guy has all of the... | ||
| Go to the one in the middle. | ||
| This one does it with his hair. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Just uses his hair. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That's not a parody! | ||
| There was an indie wrestler that did that with his dick. | ||
| Pro wrestler. | ||
| His finishing move was someone would grab his junk and then he would flip him. | ||
| That was the whole point of his, fuck, I'm trying to remember what this guy's name is. | ||
| Johnny something. | ||
| I always love watching the videos. | ||
| You used to post a lot of them. | ||
| She did it to Ken Shamrock here. | ||
| Oh, no way. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Joey Ryan. | ||
| That's who it is. | ||
| This is Ken Shamrock grabbing this guy's dick? | ||
| And he like holds him there? | ||
| Come on, imagine you have to practice this? | ||
| Yeah, you're like, alright dude, just do the move. | ||
| Also, he's holding it longer for the move. | ||
| Well, it's like he's got a magnetized dick. | ||
| Yeah, but if you're Shamrock, you're like, alright buddy, you're taking like three more seconds than I need. | ||
| He just wants a lot of photo ops. | ||
| And then they do this. | ||
| But the videos that you used to post of guys that are like fake karate. | ||
| That's from this guy. | ||
| Oh, and then fighting? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then I read that story about in China where that MMA fighter came here and trained. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then went over there and fought like a Chinese, I don't forget what the guy's name is, but he fought him. | ||
| He was shunned by the country. | ||
| Yeah, he fucked the dude up and the country was like, Hey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, eh, that's kind of our... | ||
| Yeah, China does not like any disparagement of, like, their traditional martial arts or that kind of thing. | ||
| They did not like that. | ||
| They do like their martial arts fighter. | ||
| Like, there's a woman named Zhang Weili. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, she's former champion, one of the top women, 150 pound fighters. | ||
| One of the greatest fights I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Her and Ioana. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| First off, when you see Ioana's face after the fight, you're like, that's Photoshopped. | ||
| There's a football in her head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Her head was like a football was glued onto her head. | ||
| Remember oddities on MTV where the guy would crawl out of the brain? | ||
| That's what it looked like. | ||
| That giant head. | ||
| Imagine if that lanced in the fight. | ||
| Imagine if Wei Li landed like an elbow. | ||
| Yeah, you would have been in the splash zone. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It would have been like a Gallagher show. | ||
| You would have just dumped out of her head. | ||
| Because the way it formed up. | ||
| So much fluid in there. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| That's all blood. | ||
| She had, like, a core... | ||
| It was, like, realistically. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Remember when you went to high school, you had those little milks? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of those? | |
| Yeah, the little boxes. | ||
| A little half pint of milk? | ||
| Oh, I love the... | ||
| That was a half a pint of fluid in her fucking head. | ||
| So she could have gone, like... | ||
| Do you think if she would have walked up after the phone, like, hey, good fight! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
| Dr. Pimple Popper. | ||
| Yeah, I just pimple poppered it all over you and her as you're interviewing her. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Bro, it's bigger than I remember. | ||
| It looks like the Black Hole Sun video. | ||
| It looks like Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun when they make their eyes all fucked. | ||
| Dude, that's crazy. | ||
| That is nuts, dude. | ||
| I forgot how big it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's insane. | |
| That was right after the fight. | ||
| It's not like it's the next day and it's had time. | ||
| That's like... | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| You know what makes me think about, like, early man? | ||
| You know, when you look at those, when they find those skeletons of early man, the forehead was always so much bigger. | ||
| I wonder if they just were getting hit a lot. | ||
| By everything. | ||
| Has to be it, right? | ||
| Yeah, there weren't roads. | ||
| They'd just walk through branches, just taking shots from trees. | ||
| And enough, like, fights and stuff that would happen on a normal basis where your head would swell up like Ioana's. | ||
| But you also have to realize that we weren't as smart back then. | ||
| So, like, let's say you're a guy and you take a fall and you get a Ioana lump like that and you go back to your tribe and they're like, you have the devil in your head. | ||
| They're like, you're evil. | ||
| You have something going on because they don't understand what the fuck that it's blood. | ||
| Like, we know that. | ||
| You can immediately be like, Right, they might be thinking that you're becoming a thing. | ||
| Or maybe a god. | ||
| If you're smart, you go into it. | ||
| If you're smart, you come back with enough brain damage to be like, bow before me. | ||
| I can think more than anyone. | ||
| One thing I absolutely believe happened is people who had mushrooms, who figured out mushrooms before everybody else, they're the ones who started the cults. | ||
| It's like, dude, Vikings. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They used to go rage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you go to... | ||
| I went to Sweden. | ||
| It was like one of the first vacations I took, and I was like, I want to go see Queens of the Stone Age in Sweden. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| It was fucking rad, dude. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| It was one of the best shows I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| I had Josh on once. | ||
| I know, dude. | ||
| He's one of my favorites. | ||
| And he... | ||
| I got to see them at this outdoor amusement, you know, because it's like light there, late. | ||
| So the whole concert was light. | ||
| But I went to the Viking Museum, and they were like... | ||
| There's a part where they're like... | ||
| They try to do it quick, and you're like, dude, that's fucking... | ||
| And then you look it up, and they would rage. | ||
| And that's weird that that's a tiny part of the story. | ||
| That's a big part of the story. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| It's the motivation. | ||
| Well, they were in a zone. | ||
| They were literally tripping balls, hacking people to death. | ||
| Dude, if it didn't work, and you're just like looking around, and you're like, guys, I'm not feeling it! | ||
| And they're just burning huts and shit. | ||
| But there was a study done. | ||
| There was a guy who's, I think he was a psychologist, did a study on mushrooms, and he found that it measurably increased visual acuity. | ||
| So what his study was, the way the study worked is, they have like two parallel lines, and then they move one line slightly off parallel. | ||
| And the people on mushrooms could detect that quicker than the people who are sober. | ||
| Yeah, because your eyes are fucking. | ||
| Yeah, you're out. | ||
| When I was 16, my buddy Brian, he's easily the smartest kid I know, grew up with, and loved the most drugs, and got mushrooms, and we took mushrooms, and then we were in the Good Times Burger parking lot. | ||
| 16? | ||
| And I'm sitting there and I eat it with Brian. | ||
| And he was so smart that he explained to me what was going to happen as it was happening. | ||
| So he goes, all right, you've eaten the mushrooms. | ||
| The psilocybin is going to go into your stomach lining. | ||
| And then it's going to open your retina. | ||
| You're going to let more light in. | ||
| So you're going to have a problem with shadows and distance. | ||
| And I was like, I remember smoking a cigarette in the parking lot being like, oh, fuck. | ||
| It just seemed to be like, whoa. | ||
| Because you just notice shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because your eyes are just like, huh. | ||
| And then he's like, my favorite part, he's like, you're going to think you know everything. | ||
| Almost immediately, I'm like, you know what? | ||
| I think school, I don't do well in school. | ||
| I like this. | ||
| Self-diagnosing myself. | ||
| I got ADHD, I think? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm on a lot of psilocybin. | ||
| But yeah, and then as it came down, it was crazy. | ||
| It was like the best experience to do a drug for the first time. | ||
| Now imagine if you knew about that, but all the rest of your village didn't, and you knew where the mushrooms were, and you had taken them a couple of times, and you said, you know what? | ||
| These motherfuckers. | ||
| They need to be under my thumb. | ||
| They need to be under my rule. | ||
| Let's make some stew. | ||
| Just tell them what to do. | ||
| And tell them you're in touch with God. | ||
| And you're going to give them a little piece of God. | ||
| And they're like, oh my God, how do you know this? | ||
| God speaks to me. | ||
| It's the confidence. | ||
| They've done it. | ||
| They've been there. | ||
| They probably might believe it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I always felt about. | ||
| Whenever I've been nervous about something in comedy, you always talk to someone older and they're over it. | ||
| Like what kind of stages? | ||
| Like when I started, I went on the road with Bobby Kelly, who's one of the best. | ||
| He's like my older brother. | ||
| I love Bobby. | ||
| Bobby is one of the funniest human beings and makes me, I can call him and just laugh like anytime I want, but I open for him. | ||
| And Bobby's Bobby, you know, Boston, tough and shit. | ||
| And he's like, you fucking, you love featuring, dude. | ||
| You're featuring. | ||
| You having fun, huh? | ||
| Doing your best jokes in the middle of the show. | ||
| Call me when you're a headliner. | ||
| Have fun with that, you know? | ||
| And then I was headlining and I was in Kansas City and I was just bombing. | ||
| Bombing! | ||
| And I was doing like Wednesday through Sunday. | ||
| It's one of those long weeks. | ||
| You know, it might have been a Tuesday through Sunday. | ||
| And it's just like a Thursday and I'm walking through a hot Target parking lot. | ||
| And I call Bobby and I'm like, I'm fucking bombing, dude. | ||
| This sucks. | ||
| And I'm intimidated. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| Yeah, you want to be a headliner, huh? | ||
| Well, now you're a headliner and you're fucking, this is what happens. | ||
| And then he told me, he's like, it's not a big deal. | ||
| It's not going to be shit in two years. | ||
| So just walk through it. | ||
| And then that confidence of him being like over it and being like, yeah, dude, whatever. | ||
| You're working a week. | ||
| You're going to do this a lot the rest of your life. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| Fuck all right, it just it was a small comfort you need those sets. | ||
| Yeah, they're they're important Those those sets that suck the humbling ones you things the great humblers when you just come through and just get ear holes It's I have some from the 90s. | ||
| I still think about I have an open mic I swear to God, Joe, I have an open mic in Tucson, Arizona at Laughs Comedy Club. | ||
| I was telling my friend Jesse Campbell about this the other month when I was in Minnesota. | ||
| I remember everything about the bomb. | ||
| It was a three-minute open mic set, and I lasted a minute 16. I couldn't even fill my time, and it was all premises. | ||
| I was just going up there being like, you guys, you ever go on a date? | ||
| My TV's busted, and it's just like I was just... | ||
| How many times had you done an open mic before that? | ||
| Oh, months. | ||
| Like, I was an open miker, but I was like making... | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| This is why it fucked me up. | ||
| I was making progress. | ||
| I was like getting jokes together. | ||
| And then you hit a wall. | ||
| And then just got fucking ear-holed. | ||
| And then you bomb, and then it's that thing where you have to go sit with it and just be like, what am I actually doing with my life? | ||
| You can still smoke inside then, which was cool. | ||
| I remember those. | ||
| Just those bombs? | ||
| Yeah, the bombs where you're like, I think I should quit. | ||
| Yeah, I had one. | ||
| I told this on the bonfire with Jay. | ||
| They were at Stand Up New York playing as Comedy Central Presents. | ||
| It's like 2007 or 2008 when Jay got one. | ||
| And I was like an open mic-er running around. | ||
| And I did a check spot in front of Patrice and Jay. | ||
| And bombed so hard that I walked out of the club, called the girl I was dating, and was like, I think I gotta quit. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think this is going. | ||
| You did a check spot, meaning there's a spot where they drop the checks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Only one spot, they do that? | ||
| So in New York, they do a showcase club, you know, just like a store or whatever. | ||
| But what they do is they do five comics and then a check spot where everyone pays their bills at the same time. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And so that's how I got in in New York, was I was like... | ||
| No one's coming for this. | ||
| Isn't that funny that we just assume people can't keep it together when they're paying the bill? | ||
| And they can't. | ||
| But then you lose the room. | ||
| How much is it? | ||
| How much is it? | ||
| Nine bucks for a vote? | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| 28 divided by six? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Is it 15%? | ||
| I mean, I still get checks dropped on me in clubs. | ||
| And you're like, but... | ||
| That's also what we're talking about, like how bombs are good for you. | ||
| When I was doing a check spot, I learned how to win the room. | ||
| I learned how to, like, oh, I can get them. | ||
| Also, you also learn, like, a little bit, phonies and psychos. | ||
| You learn how to be, like, politic and be like, all right, how can I get the least amount of brutal time? | ||
| Like, how can you... | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Because I don't want to... | ||
| I mean, dude, it was... | ||
| You would go up there and be talking to a room that's not paying attention. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Buttfucks your ego. | ||
| You get off stage and you're like... | ||
| It's crazy that they do that for one spot. | ||
| They're like one spot that's designated that way. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| Is that the right way to do it? | ||
| Why can't people just have their fucking shit together? | ||
| Well, most clubs now, like the seller does it after the show. | ||
| You do the show and then you pay. | ||
| Oh, that's the perfect way to do it. | ||
| Yeah, but there was like, but that was also, you know, I could complain about it, but that's how I got my in in New York. | ||
| I was just a glutton for punishment. | ||
| Right, you just took those check spots. | ||
| And this great comic, Mike Britt, who I love to death, I'll never forget, was like, Anytime I'm hosting at Stand Up New York, you can do the check spots. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And I was like, for me, I was like, dude, this is... | ||
| Yeah, you gotta take it. | ||
| You gotta take it. | ||
| And then you would bomb and you would watch everyone walk out. | ||
| And there would just be like the other comics, like, you're so good. | ||
| And they see you, they're like, hey, hi. | ||
| Did you ever have a good one? | ||
| Did you figure it out? | ||
| Yeah, I started getting good at it. | ||
| Was there like a skill? | ||
| You talk to... | ||
| By watching guys like Patrice and Big J, I was able to be like, oh, engage with someone and then it spreads. | ||
| Because people are naturally curious. | ||
| So if you're talking and people are laughing, they're like, what's going on? | ||
| And then you learn how to get the room to listen to you. | ||
| So it got by the end where I started doing real spots. | ||
| That was funny. | ||
| I'd go do a bar show where everyone's listening and I'm like, Oh shit! | ||
| Oh shit! | ||
| Everyone's paying attention to me. | ||
| Everyone's like there to listen to jokes. | ||
| So it was a very valuable... | ||
| But for two years, man. | ||
| Just like... | ||
| I'll be at Stand Up New York on Friday night. | ||
| Just fucking bombing. | ||
| Bombing, dude. | ||
| And then watching a guy, one time there was this, dude, I'll never forget, there was this guy, the way Stand Up New York was, it was like long tables, but they turned to watch you. | ||
| This dude's just looking forward, and I'm bombing, and I'm just like... | ||
| This fucking guy can't even look at me. | ||
| And then I see him just do this. | ||
| And I'm like, he's blind. | ||
| He's fucking blind. | ||
| I thought he was just not listening to me and instead he was like, what's up? | ||
| And you're like, oh shit, oh shit. | ||
| And now I'm bombing like it's like a inception bomb. | ||
| Right now you're mean. | ||
| Yeah, and now he can like smell me being like, it fucking sucked. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But you had all those coming up. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Would you just get fucking crushed? | ||
| I did bachelor parties with no microphone. | ||
| How? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| How the f- Bachelor parties? | ||
| They don't want to see you. | ||
| They don't want to see me. | ||
| They want to see women. | ||
| Yeah, this is a poor choice. | ||
| You're making one of many poor choices. | ||
| Dude, whenever there's a bachelor party at a comedy club, you're like, guys, who chose wrong? | ||
| Yeah, this is- Well, bachelor party at a comedy club is fine. | ||
| But a bachelor party where a dude with no microphone is telling jokes and he's been telling jokes for exactly 14 months. | ||
| You know when you describe injuries and your injuries start hurting? | ||
| I'm like, oh, my breath's getting shallow. | ||
| How do you start that show? | ||
| Do you clap a lot? | ||
| Are you like... | ||
| Well, I was young and dumb. | ||
| At the time, I was like 22. You just did it. | ||
| I just did it. | ||
| I was like, let me just do it. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Hey, guys. | ||
| You're doing a show. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Thanks for hiring me for your show. | ||
| Good luck with the wedding. | ||
| You're going to fucking need it. | ||
| And then everybody laughs and you go into some jokes. | ||
| I'd have to have some joke about marriage or something. | ||
| Yeah, something to get them all. | ||
| Traffic sucks. | ||
| And they're like, it does suck. | ||
| I like this stuff. | ||
| Suck getting here. | ||
| You know, I started in Tucson and there was casinos around. | ||
| And the Desert Diamond Casino would do this show on Monday nights where they'd pay $100 to open for whoever the headliner was the weekend before would stay around and it was like a good money gig for them. | ||
| And the club asked me, they were like, do you want to open Monday at the Desert Diamond Casino for Ben Creed? | ||
| And I was like, fuck yes I do. | ||
| And they're like, can you do 30 minutes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had six. | ||
| Maybe six. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| They send me out. | ||
| It's a Monday night football. | ||
| I remember the game. | ||
| It was the Steelers-Chargers. | ||
| Bar is packed with Charger fans because Tucson-San Diego is not that far from each other. | ||
| End of the Monday night football game, the Chargers miss a field goal and lose to the Steelers in a casino where there's probably... | ||
| I don't know if there's betting going on, probably. | ||
| The guy, the bartender, goes around and turns off all of the TVs and just puts the mic on the stand. | ||
| He goes, there you go. | ||
| And I had to go out there and be like, hey! | ||
| What's up with missing field goals? | ||
| Like I had nothing. | ||
| And I bombed for 30 minutes. | ||
| But I did my time because that was like, you know, I was like, I got to do the 30 and they're not going to give me my 100. I was up on this large stage and then I announced Ben Creed and he just walks to the foot of the stage and he's like, give me the microphone. | ||
| He's like I'm not getting up on that stage and just starts murdering standing in front of him and I was like dude that walk off the tall stage I was like damn dude I bombed and I look like an idiot and then I just went and got drunk on the hundred dollars they gave me I was like this fucking sucks I did this bar gig in Boston and the first time we did it they left the television on and the hockey game was on So no one's paying attention to the comedy show. | ||
| So we came back and the booker was like, how was the gig? | ||
| And I said, well, it's good except they keep a hockey game on while you're doing stand-up and no one's paying attention. | ||
| And they're all talking and cheering. | ||
| So it's like you're doing stand-up for the few people that are paying attention. | ||
| And they said, well, that's not good. | ||
| We're going to have them take the TV and shut it off next time we have a comedy show. | ||
| So the next time we have a comedy show there... | ||
| They shut the TV off in the middle of the fucking game and said we're going to have a live comedy show, which was way worse. | ||
| Because now people are mad at you. | ||
| And they're not there if they are there for comedy. | ||
| They're embarrassed that the people are angry that they're there for comedy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're like, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| It was just blind Boston hockey fan rage. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| For fucking jokes? | ||
| The New England area, be very careful what sports overlap with your comedy shows. | ||
| Because I was doing Comedy Connection. | ||
| It was the Patriots and the Ravens on a Saturday night NFL playoff game. | ||
| And they're like, hey, so there's like five minutes left in the game. | ||
| We'll just start the show in like 10 minutes. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| I will do less time. | ||
| We're going to show the end of that game. | ||
| Because I'm not having you pull that screen up and have me be like, what's going on in the world? | ||
| I wanted to watch Tom Brady beat the Ravens. | ||
| Thank God the Patriots won and the show was great. | ||
| I did like 30 minutes. | ||
| Isn't it crazy though? | ||
| If the Patriots lost, the show might have been shittier. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It's a real possibility. | ||
| It genuinely affects how people feel. | ||
| My favorite story of this, of sports affecting it, is I used to open for Nate Bargetsy. | ||
| He's one of my best friends. | ||
| Love that dude. | ||
| He's one of the funniest human beings. | ||
| He's one of the best comics working. | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| But he... | ||
| I mean, we do shit gigs together. | ||
| You know, it's like when your buddy first starts headlining, and they're like, they're like, dude, fucking come open for me. | ||
| And you're like, absolutely. | ||
| This is great. | ||
| You feel like you're stealing money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're like, dude, I'll come open for you. | ||
| This is gonna be great. | ||
| We did this place in Erie, Pennsylvania called Junior's Last Laugh. | ||
| And it's a big room. | ||
| It's a real big room. | ||
| And the guy, the owner's like, Saturday's sold out. | ||
| It's a Christmas party. | ||
| This was in January. | ||
| He's like, it's a Christmas party. | ||
| 550 people. | ||
| Saturday. | ||
| And the rest of the shows are sparse. | ||
| So we're like, this is going to be the big show. | ||
| It's like working up all weekend. | ||
| Nate and I go to Buffalo Wild Wings on that Saturday. | ||
| No, I'm good. | ||
| I might do more of that joint. | ||
| You rip a cigar, I'll rip a joint. | ||
| As a former cigarette smoker, cigars make me just want to be like... | ||
| It's too close. | ||
| Give me a pack of Camel Bats. | ||
| It's too close. | ||
| Stop dry humping me. | ||
| I want to smoke a fucking cigarette. | ||
| So we're at... | ||
| The Saturday comes and we're at Buffalo Wild Wings. | ||
| And Nate and I... I'm watching football, and I'm like, hey, who's the afternoon game? | ||
| And he's like, uh, Steelers-Ravens? | ||
| One of the biggest rivalries in the NFL? And we're in Steeler country. | ||
| Erie, Pennsylvania is like, Steeler country. | ||
| Dude, we show up to that show, 500 people, they said, 400 are in the bar watching the Steeler game. | ||
| 100 are in this giant room waiting for comedy. | ||
| Everyone's watching the Steeler game. | ||
| It's going on. | ||
| How much more time? | ||
| The first quarter. | ||
| It's like the game aligns with the show. | ||
| And I'm featuring. | ||
| I get so fucking lucky that my set lines up with halftime. | ||
| It's halftime. | ||
| I go up. | ||
| A lot of them go in the room. | ||
| They're not that great of a crowd. | ||
| I finish. | ||
| Nate goes on. | ||
| He maybe has five minutes with him in the room. | ||
| Second half starts. | ||
| They flood out. | ||
| I'm in the room watching Nate because I'm like, dude, this is a memorable show. | ||
| There's no way I'm never going to forget this show. | ||
| And Nate has got his same tone. | ||
| Some of the best jokes. | ||
| He's just fucking saying them. | ||
| And if he would say a joke, the people in the room would laugh. | ||
| And then you'd hear... | ||
| Like out at the bar. | ||
| And it would just fucking cut through the wall. | ||
| So they were laughing or they were cheering? | ||
| Cheering. | ||
| Cheering. | ||
| Like fucking going. | ||
| Because the Steelers won. | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| And then Nate's like, my wife, you know, I come home late doing comedy, and then you hear like, it's just like tearing through. | ||
| And I'm sitting there drinking a beer being like, dude, this is, I gotta watch this, because this is a memorable, Nate's getting fucked right now by the Steelers. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was a very fun thing. | ||
| And now you watch them, you know, do theaters and shit. | ||
| But it's interesting, all those people had paid for tickets, but the game was so important to them, they wanted to watch it right there and then. | ||
| We'd rather waste money and stand shoulder to shoulder in a tight bar watching a fucking tiny TV. Yeah. | ||
| That's why I always think like, you know, comedy, it's always, you gotta be humble. | ||
| You just gotta be like, dude, this, we ain't shit. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| This is like, if a fucking NFL game can make people waste money, to be like, I don't give a shit about this clown. | ||
| Not just that though, but like live sporting events are really becoming like the best option for TV. Because it's the only thing that you have to watch when it's happening. | ||
| Everything else is streaming now. | ||
| Everything's streaming. | ||
| Spoilers, people take them better now, but sports is like, you can also watch it on your phone. | ||
| You can just be active in it in a way where you're like, you can watch it. | ||
| I would say the NFL is like, Probably a bigger religion than some religions in this country. | ||
| Because I know I do. | ||
| I love the 49ers. | ||
| And I put it in my calendar to be like, all right, the 49ers are playing Sunday. | ||
| I gotta be home by this time to watch them play the fucking Cardinals. | ||
| You played college ball, didn't you? | ||
| No. | ||
| I sucked at football, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You never did? | |
| You sucked at football? | ||
| I sucked at athletics. | ||
| You know what I learned? | ||
| I learned that's when I was funny. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Did you play high school? | ||
| Yeah, I played high school football and I could run into people fast with my big head. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| I didn't know fucking schemes. | ||
| I didn't know anything. | ||
| I was just like, my friends played football. | ||
| I loved football. | ||
| I wanted to be good at it. | ||
| One in the cards, dude. | ||
| Did you ever see the origins of football? | ||
| No. | ||
| They invented it to get people's mind off a war. | ||
| They gave people a distraction. | ||
| They're like, hey, let's do tiny trench wars. | ||
| And then now it crowns people 100 millionaires. | ||
| With leather helmets on back then, too. | ||
| That shit was wild. | ||
| You know, I think... | ||
| There's part of me that thinks the more and more the CTE conversation gets brought up and they talk about helmets and stuff. | ||
| Why don't we go back to take off the face mask? | ||
| I wonder if dudes would run into each other as fast. | ||
| They will definitely. | ||
| Some dudes will. | ||
| The problem is... | ||
| Yeah, the psychos are like, I'm already numbed up. | ||
| I'll run into you full face. | ||
| Not only that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That looks like a swim team now. | ||
| Look how small they were. | ||
| Dude, I bet those guys could... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I bet they were smaller. | ||
| I bet like... | ||
| But I bet they could grab you with that dad strength and you'd be like, oh shit! | ||
| Yeah, people were different. | ||
| Look at that guy laying on the bottom. | ||
| That guy laying on the bottom right there would probably run through me like a piece of paper. | ||
| The guy that's doing this Playgirl spread. | ||
| That looks like the front cover of the best gay porn ever. | ||
| They're like, ah, look, it's the running Twinks from 1882. They just could fucking run right through me. | ||
| This is a college game? | ||
| Penn. | ||
| Penn State? | ||
| Is Penn State in 1901? | ||
| Penn. | ||
| Just Penn. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Rockin' the stripes, lookin' like the Hamburglar. | ||
| So did they play with no helmets back then at all? | ||
| Oh, look at the top hat! | ||
| Look at that, dude. | ||
| If your coach had to wear a top hat like that... | ||
| Wouldn't you love to go back in time and just watch him practice? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just watch him talk and... | ||
| Do you think they had helmets for anything back there besides war? | ||
| Like, there wasn't a bicycle helmet? | ||
| Oh, what? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Bicycle helmets didn't even drop to the 70s, I think. | ||
| There wasn't even safety. | ||
| I never had a bicycle helmet. | ||
| Yeah, those guys were probably like, why, you can't restrict your brain or else you'll go crazy. | ||
| Put anything on your head, you go nuts! | ||
| Because they don't have, like, science. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| As soon as they gave people bicycle helmets, they started doing flips. | ||
| For real. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| With the face masks, you take a face mask off, I don't know if a dude's gonna throw his body the way he is. | ||
| Well, you know what it's gonna be like? | ||
| It's gonna be legalizing drugs. | ||
| There's gonna be a break-in period where things are gonna get fucked. | ||
| There's gonna be a period of transition. | ||
| Which is what a fun period to watch. | ||
| Yeah, fun. | ||
| But with football, that could be a real issue. | ||
| Like that period of transition where people go from playing football with pads to playing football with no pads. | ||
| Because that's what they should be doing. | ||
| Anything you could do when you're wearing armor. | ||
| You're wearing armor? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Well, it gives you like, you know, I think that's why people talk shit online so well, because it's like you got a mask, you got an armor on, you got a distance. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You can just fucking talk that shit. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| So you can let stuff out. | ||
| So you're right. | ||
| It's like you take the armor off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's football? | ||
| It's a weird game. | ||
| Well, Australians do it. | ||
| Yeah, it's not disparaging football. | ||
| It's a dope game. | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
| It's weird in that they're armored. | ||
| Like, if you look at, like, the way rugby guys play. | ||
| Yeah, it feels cool. | ||
| I'm not gonna lie, part of the... | ||
| The armor? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| It was like, dude, I sucked at it. | ||
| So knowing that I'm gonna go get laid out, I was still, like, putting on my pads, like, this is fucking cool. | ||
| And then just getting... | ||
| Dude, I got... | ||
| I used to practice when I was in high school, and I was on JV, and you'd have to go against varsity, and a guy would just grab you and just be like, you're gonna go in the dirt now, and just put you in the dirt and just hold you there, and you're like... | ||
| It fucking sucks. | ||
| Like what's funny is Shane was awesome at football. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he showed me a picture and I saw him in his pads and I was like, you would have kicked the shit out of me every day in practice. | ||
| You look, he's got helmet face. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like his face fits perfectly in a helmet. | ||
| It formed that way. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| My face is so far back, but yet I have a bigger head. | ||
| Shane's got a trainer now. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's working out. | ||
| He was puffing up on me. | ||
| Yeah, he showed me his guns. | ||
| I was like, dude, those are big. | ||
| This is my impression of Shane flexing. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| The face. | ||
| He goes, touch me, dude. | ||
| The face. | ||
| The mouth. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| I do a good Shane face. | ||
| But yeah, dude, we were in Nashville together, and I was like, all right. | ||
| Yeah, no, he's getting buff. | ||
| I got so soft during COVID. I just ate and sat around, and then everyone came back out, and I was like... | ||
| I'm all mushy. | ||
| It's hard if you live in an apartment, man. | ||
| If there's lockdowns everywhere and you live in an apartment and you got no... | ||
| What are you gonna do? | ||
| You gonna work out in your kitchen? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| A lot of people did. | ||
| My poor girlfriend has to hear me breathing, doing push-ups. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Have you ever wanted to let it go? | ||
| Have you ever wanted to just be like, like, fuck Sober October. | ||
| Do like a lazy January where you just don't, you don't work out. | ||
| I'll just get depressed. | ||
| It won't be, it's not good. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's not smart. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| It's like, that won't feel good. | ||
| Like, I don't mind working out. | ||
| Is that just me being lazy and be like, get down in the mud, Joe? | ||
| I don't mind effort. | ||
| It's so normal to me. | ||
| Like today, I did not want to work out today. | ||
| But I knew that that's just this thing that you have to go through in the earliest part of the workout to start breaking a sweat. | ||
| So I just trudged through the first couple of minutes like I always do. | ||
| But that voice is always there. | ||
| That fuck it voice. | ||
| My voice is so good at getting me to say fuck it. | ||
| My voice is like, dude, take a nap. | ||
| It's a good salesman. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, you're right, dude. | ||
| Take a nap. | ||
| Naps rule. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| Also, your body's used to it. | ||
| Your body's used to those endorphins and shit. | ||
| It's used to it, and my mind is used to it, maybe even more than my body. | ||
| That's the most important thing. | ||
| When I have a good cardio workout, especially, nothing fucking bothers me, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I'm cool. | ||
| But no matter what, I'm like, we're good. | ||
| That's a good pitch for working out. | ||
| There's something to it, man, because I don't think it just comes from straight exercise. | ||
| I think it comes from exhaustion. | ||
| Actual exhaustion. | ||
| And then recovery from that exhaustion. | ||
| There's like a level of peace and clarity that I only achieve through these brutal workouts. | ||
| And so I'm not missing that. | ||
| Because if that was a pill, if my psychiatrist got me on that pill, I'd be like, dude, thank you. | ||
| This is the shit. | ||
| This is the one. | ||
| Oh my god, it's the one. | ||
| All my problems, my anxiety, it's all out the window now and I'm more loving, I'm more friendly, I'm more forgiving, I have more clarity. | ||
| Do you take days off? | ||
| Yeah, occasionally. | ||
| Yeah, I'll take a day off. | ||
| I'm not scared. | ||
| I have to work out every day. | ||
| It's just I know I should work out every day. | ||
| Because I take a day off, and then I'm like, what about two days off? | ||
| And then I'm like, what about three days off? | ||
| Well, sometimes I've gone too far, and I overtrained. | ||
| Like, I'm too exhausted. | ||
| I went a little nutty. | ||
| And then the next day, I'll take two days off. | ||
| I'll take a couple days off, and then I'll come back. | ||
| Do you love those days? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I love days off if I earned it. | ||
| If I'm just taking a day off, say if we don't have any podcasts and I didn't do anything that day, I didn't work out, I didn't write, I didn't do shit, I just laid around the house, that's not fun. | ||
| Is it though? | ||
| It's not fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't enjoy it. | |
| To compare my laziness with yours, I'm like, I don't know, Joe. | ||
| I would go as far as to say it is very enjoyable to just lay around. | ||
| But that's kind of what I did during the pandemic and then trying to get back. | ||
| Getting back on the road full time was like a thing where I was like, oh shit, that was in a way like I was in shape and now I'm out of shape. | ||
| I would come home on Sunday and be fucking exhausted. | ||
| Exhausted just being like I did five shows that and now it's back to being nothing, but then it was like Mentally, I didn't realize going to the airport travel. | ||
| Yeah going to the hotel preparing the sets writing jokes during the day if I so relaxed it was I missed it I missed like It's great to be back on the road now, and it's great to go back out and just do stand-up and have every show be fun. | ||
| Well, you realize what? | ||
| You almost got taken away forever. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It's the most amazing job. | ||
| I was laughing about it. | ||
| It became funny at one point, because my end of 2019, probably the best run I've ever had in my life, to the point where I was like, So you were right there, and then they took it away. | ||
| I was having so much fun. | ||
| My girlfriend and I met, started dating. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| The 49ers were in the playoffs. | ||
| My buddy from middle school was coaching them. | ||
| I was having so much fun. | ||
| I put out an HBO special that I was proud of. | ||
| I was adding shows. | ||
| Everyone's like, We've got to add shows. | ||
| I'm 50% Dan, baby. | ||
| I'm apologizing to waitresses. | ||
| I'm saying I'm sorry you can't make rent this month. | ||
| And so they're like, we've got to add an early show on Thursday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, this is what I can't. | |
| What is this? | ||
| But I didn't have a good act. | ||
| Because I turned my special around too quick. | ||
| Didn't have an act that I was proud of, jokes I liked. | ||
| And then fucking, dude, COVID was like, sit down, bitch. | ||
| And I was like, all right. | ||
| And then just stopped doing stand-up. | ||
| But that was, I think that's the lesson I learned from COVID was it slowed me down and I got to retool and be, I don't know, kind of recalibrate in a way now that I'm having a lot more fun. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| It's like you need a reassessment sometimes, because a lot of times we operate on momentum. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're just going and going and going, but you're not thinking about, like, hmm, what am I doing? | ||
| Yeah, you're not taking the steps to be like, is this good? | ||
| I also think in, like, our modern culture, it's so pushed, undefeated. | ||
| All I do is win. | ||
| It's like, motherfucker, you're boring if you just win. | ||
| The best is learning from a loss, and I think that's why, like, sports, I think it's important if you're good and shitty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was shitty at it, but, dude, You got a lot out of it. | ||
| I learned a lot about humility. | ||
| I learned a lot about, you ain't shit. | ||
| Dude, I lost a Pop Warner football game 116-0. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| When you're a kid, when you're 11 and you're losing like 84-0, you're like, hey guys, I got the lesson. | ||
| Can we stop? | ||
| And then that drive home with my mom where she's like... | ||
| Y'all took a beating. | ||
| She can't even hide it. | ||
| She's like, shit, man, you got the fucking dick knocked off you. | ||
| You gotta experience loss. | ||
| Yeah, and I think that's always, like, people that are afraid of it push the other agenda, where they're like, all I do is win. | ||
| You're weak if you lose, and you're like, ah. | ||
| I think you're afraid to lose. | ||
| You can't be afraid to lose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It means you're trying to grow and trying to step up to another level. | ||
| You're trying to figure things out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a risk. | |
| You're trying to do something you're not perfect at yet. | ||
| You're trying to get better. | ||
| Yeah, I used to be so ashamed. | ||
| Like, you want to talk about working out? | ||
| I used to be, like, so... | ||
| When I was in my 20s, and I'd go to the gym, and I'd be doing just dumbbell press, and be like... | ||
| But I'm at a Gold's gym in Tucson at like fucking 2 p.m. | ||
| No one's there. | ||
| But the guys that are there that are big and working out, I'm immediately like, dude, I look like such an asshole. | ||
| And it would deter me from coming back. | ||
| Because I'd be like, I look dumb. | ||
| But then the older you get, you're like, you look dumb for a little bit. | ||
| And then you get better at it. | ||
| And you get better. | ||
| It's like check spots. | ||
| It was like, I looked like an asshole in front of Patrice and Big J on that premiere. | ||
| But then you just keep doing it and doing it and doing it. | ||
| I think the problem with a lot of people also is that they have one thing. | ||
| So if you have one thing that you're learning and you're trying to get good at and you suck, that means you suck. | ||
| Right? | ||
| But if you have another thing that you do that you're good... | ||
| If you're putting all of it into that... | ||
| Like, say if you're trying to do stand-up, but you're also a professional chess player. | ||
| You're like a really good chess player. | ||
| So you know how to get really good at something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so stand-up, you suck. | ||
| But you're like, yeah, but it's a process. | ||
| Because I'm fucking good at this chess thing, and I think I'm going to be good at stand-up too. | ||
| It's complicated and it's difficult, but I'm going to figure it out. | ||
| But if you've never done anything before... | ||
| That's the the early days of stand-up are the most dangerous times for a depressed person's life Because you're the reason why you're getting into stand-up in the first place validation Yeah, most likely mommy and daddy weren't fucking hanging around so often if you're good if you're good And so these kids are already or these people are already kind of fucked and then the thing they're trying to do is just Crushing their self-esteem like like you've never felt before I always say that bombing is like sucking a thousand dicks in front of your mother But the problem is, | ||
| there's a guy out there that would like sucking a thousand dicks in front of his mom. | ||
| He's like, this is what I do, mom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You love me. | |
| Number 99, mommy. | ||
| Look at your baby just sucking him down. | ||
| It is... | ||
| You would see... | ||
| What was funny about doing stand-up in New York in the open mic scene is... | ||
| I started in Tucson where they kind of... | ||
| Aided the open mic. | ||
| They would put it in front of a real show so you'd get crowds. | ||
| And then you go to New York and you're like, this is the barren wasteland. | ||
| You're seeing mentally ill people. | ||
| Like Tim Dillon is the best example. | ||
| Tim Dillon's from Long Island or whatever. | ||
| He could've started in that Long Island scene, and stayed out there, and Ben Tim Dillon, but he showed up and was like, I gotta get out of there. | ||
| They're worse than the people here! | ||
| And you just saw him, and you would see people that you're like, this guy's really funny, he'll be alright, and you kinda gotta grab each other in that moment and be like, we're gonna get through this storm! | ||
| Everybody's gonna be alright. | ||
| We have potatoes in the basement. | ||
| That was like me, List, Nate, Norman when we were coming up in New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're like, guys, this is fucking awful, but we're doing it! | |
| And booze helps. | ||
| Booze helps when you're like, let's go get beers and laugh about this shit and be dumb. | ||
| And it really... | ||
| Because you're right. | ||
| Because if you don't have that... | ||
| And you're like, you're bomb. | ||
| Well, you guys have a good camaraderie in New York now. | ||
| There wasn't a good camaraderie in New York in the 90s. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Everybody had the TV mentality. | ||
| Everybody's trying to get TV shows, and if you and I were auditioning for the same television show, we'd fucking both hate each other. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| It's like, oh, Dan Soder got that fucking part. | ||
| Yeah, that guy's playing fucking goofy neighbor. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I'm a goofy neighbor. | ||
| Did you guys ever do it with catchphrase commercials? | ||
| He's like, he's the fucking come and see me guy now. | ||
| Fuck him! | ||
| That fucking prick! | ||
| Guy's not even funny! | ||
| That was the thing in the 90s, and the guys that are coming up today, they don't have that attitude anymore. | ||
| Everybody does everybody's podcast, so it's way healthier. | ||
| Hey, check this guy out. | ||
| I really care about him. | ||
| Well, that's what's interesting. | ||
| I love talking to guys that have been around, because... | ||
| History repeats itself and you've been in comedy where you've watched the crash the 90s guys People don't realize about this about the mid 90s early to early 2000 comics You guys were doing it for nobody. | ||
| No one gave a fuck about comedy. | ||
| They did in certain places But you look at the store you look at the cellar Louie put up this old video of him at the cellar from like 2001 There's no one there There's like 15 people and they're just running a show all night being like, whoever comes in, they stay until they want to leave. | ||
| We put up as many comics as we can. | ||
| And now they're like, good luck getting a reservation two weeks before. | ||
| It's like a hot ticket. | ||
| So I try to tell my friends, I'm like, guys, just be aware. | ||
| That that might be coming back. | ||
| We might have reached a point in comedy. | ||
| And I think... | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't think that? | ||
| Not even close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| The opposite. | ||
| It's the opposite. | ||
| You think it's still going up? | ||
| It's the most fun thing to go see. | ||
| It is very fun to go see. | ||
| And it's live. | ||
| It's one of the rare live things. | ||
| But you don't think podcasting, specifically podcasting, started showing too many people how the sausage is made? | ||
| No, fuck the sausage. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| Tell good jokes. | ||
| I know how the sausage is made. | ||
| I still laugh. | ||
| I still love sausage. | ||
| I fucking love sausage. | ||
| When Tim Dillon, like I hadn't seen him in like six months and I went to see him at the Vulcan, he fucking murdered. | ||
| You want to talk about know the sausage? | ||
| I know that guy inside now. | ||
| I know everything about him. | ||
| He's a fucking great guy. | ||
| I'm friends with him. | ||
| I hang with him. | ||
| We talk shit together privately. | ||
| We text message. | ||
| We send memes to each other. | ||
| And I still laughed hard as fuck. | ||
| You can't know the sausage anymore than like the way I know Joey Diaz or the way I know... | ||
| I feel that way about, you know, Nate and Big J and Shane. | ||
| You still laugh though, right? | ||
| Great comedy is fun, man. | ||
| It's not going anywhere. | ||
| You can't think like this. | ||
| You're a doom and gloom guy. | ||
| Oh, I mean, I'm trying to pull out of it. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| I'm not a doom and gloom guy. | ||
| But I'm also trying to pull out of that, because I think that was most of my life being like, other shoes coming. | ||
| When, constantly, in everything, every relationship, everything, it was like, because probably of how I grew up and shit that happened to me when I was a teenager, I was probably like, yeah, it's doom and gloom. | ||
| If something, exact example, when I talked to you about 2019, I felt, when COVID happened, there was a part of me that was like, I was due. | ||
| You were due for a fall. | ||
| I was like, that was too much good shit. | ||
| So I think that's also why I also think every comedian, if you're a professional comedian, you should be in therapy or have a form of therapy because that's like a sports trainer. | ||
| Helping you so you don't slow your knees out. | ||
| Yeah, you just will you also like to process shit, right? | ||
| I've been able to look at like you saying I'm a doom and gloom guy. | ||
| Yeah 15 years ago. | ||
| I'd be like Like now because I know myself I'm like Yeah, no, I am. | ||
| Straight up, I am. | ||
| But I'm also trying to change that actively, because then the more I change that, the more I can enjoy shit. | ||
| Well, the reality is no one knows what's going to happen in the future, right? | ||
| Anything can happen. | ||
| And the real dark, dystopian, fucking dangerous future involves war and natural disasters. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Those are the real scenarios that could wipe out everything. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But if culture remains consistent, and it stays the way it is right now, with the access to the internet that people have today, comedy's not going anywhere. | ||
| It's the most fun thing. | ||
| Which is great. | ||
| Listen, that's what I want. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| We're gonna be fine. | ||
| I'm in the middle of opening up a club, too. | ||
| I'm gonna light this joint right now. | ||
| Light that joint back up. | ||
| And just have a little fun. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| But no, it's not going anywhere. | ||
| It's the best time for comedy I can ever recall. | ||
| I got to do the Paramount last night. | ||
| Yeah, Paramount's dope. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dope, dope theater. | ||
| Really cool. | ||
| I've been trying to work that. | ||
| I tried to... | ||
| Cool people work in there too. | ||
| I tried to film my Comedy Central hour special there in 2015. Oh yeah? | ||
| Because I loved it. | ||
| I opened for Hannibal there at Moontower. | ||
| And I was like, that's the best set I've ever had. | ||
| It was the most fun on stage. | ||
| And I was like, I want to do my hour special there. | ||
| And Comedy Central was like, you can't do that many people. | ||
| And then I had to look at it and be like, all right. | ||
| Again, comedy humbled me. | ||
| They're like, all right, go to a fucking rock club, idiot. | ||
| So being able to do it last night meant a lot. | ||
| It's a dope spot. | ||
| I had Adrian Iappellucci there. | ||
| It was Josh out of Myers. | ||
| It was fun, man. | ||
| Look at you, pal. | ||
| Dude, it was like, that's why I hope comedy stays around. | ||
| It's not going anywhere, man. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| Or we're fucked. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| When COVID hit and they closed down everything and clubs shut down and they locked down. | ||
| It was two weeks to flatten the curve those days. | ||
| There was a moment when two weeks became a month and all the fear-mongering was being ramped up on television that I was like, okay, I have to accept this new world. | ||
| And in this new world, comedy's gone. | ||
| Okay, I had a great time, and I just let it go. | ||
| And then I thought, okay, now I just, I have to want, if this gets worse, I have to think about where I'm living, and I have to think about survival. | ||
| Like, you have to really think about actual, real survival. | ||
| The real shit. | ||
| Not like you're fucking LARPing for a movie, or you're doing a survival show where you're canning peaches. | ||
| No. | ||
| Large swaths of people could die. | ||
| If you make the wrong choice, it could be you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And that's how I felt. | ||
| And then when I realized it wasn't that, then I was like, why can't I do comedy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I was like, this seems weird. | ||
| I think I honestly went through a very similar thing because, but what it did for me when I got to come back to do a weekend, I remember doing a weekend at St. Louis, in St. Louis Helium, and it was like the first time I'd done it in fucking nine weeks. | ||
| And I was like, it was like kissing a child. | ||
| You're like, my baby, I fucking miss you. | ||
| Let me hold your face. | ||
| It was just like, they dropped the checks? | ||
| I was like, yes, drop the checks. | ||
| Everyone do math. | ||
| Everyone do math in front of me. | ||
| We did the Houston Improv in July of 2020. It was a little early. | ||
| We were like, fuck it. | ||
| Let's just do a weekend. | ||
| We'll play it safe. | ||
| We'll get tested. | ||
| We'll go there. | ||
| We'll be smart. | ||
| We'll stay away from everybody. | ||
| We won't go to crowded places. | ||
| And so we... | ||
| We did it and then I got super duper high when I got back home. | ||
| And I thought, oh my god, what if I caught something? | ||
| What if I give it to somebody and they die? | ||
| And they die because I wanted to do stand-up. | ||
| That's such a specific feeling. | ||
| To the T, that I know exactly how you feel. | ||
| Because you get back and you go, What if? | ||
| Super high, dude. | ||
| Super duper. | ||
| We don't do that to you. | ||
| You'll have a great conversation with someone, right? | ||
| And then you'll leave and you'll get high and you'll be like, was I a fucking asshole? | ||
| What did I say? | ||
| Was I a fucking dickhead? | ||
| I wasn't even thinking about what we were talking about. | ||
| We were just in Nashville and we went over to Nate's for breakfast at his house and I left and I got high. | ||
| Got real high in my hotel room and I was like, did I not thank his wife for breakfast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It just became this thing where I was like, oh shit. | ||
| Dan didn't even thank you for breakfast. | ||
| We got him eggs and bacon and he ain't even gonna say thank you. | ||
| And I was like, I was just in my hotel room like, did I fuck that up? | ||
| But doesn't it always make you paranoid that you weren't a better person? | ||
| Because it's like weed wants you to be nice. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Weed wants you to be a better person. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| One of my favorite old Bill Hicks jokes where he's like, It's impossible to start a fight on weed. | ||
| And he goes, hey, buddy. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
| It's possible, by the way. | ||
| Mike Tyson fought Roy Jones Jr. high as fuck. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mike's high all day. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| But for that specific, he went and got fucking... | ||
| He gets high. | ||
| He didn't change what he does. | ||
| Do you think that, for fighters, loosens them up? | ||
| I think for Mike it's great, because Mike makes him calmer. | ||
| Do you know how quickly he would have killed that guy if he wasn't high all the time? | ||
| That's how annoying that dude was. | ||
| That high Mike Tyson smacked him. | ||
| Yeah, you got a fucking mellow Mike beating on you. | ||
| You're a real dickhead. | ||
| He's the most mellow. | ||
| He's very honest and introspective. | ||
| I love talking to him, man. | ||
| He knows a lot of shit, too. | ||
| Dude, he said the wisest thing I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| I was on Opie and Anthony right after Anthony got fired. | ||
| Opie was bringing in different comics, just hanging out. | ||
| And it was like me, Opie, and Jim, and Mike Tyson came in. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| He knows them, so he says what's up to Opie and Jim, and he goes, who the fuck are you? | ||
| And I was like, oh! | ||
| Immediately in my head, I'm like, oh, fuck! | ||
| And then as the show goes on, he loosens up and loosens up, and somehow Jim and I bring something up about comedy, and I'm like, it always sucks when you're having a great set and you see a couple people that aren't enjoying it at all, which is normal, but it always kind of fucks with me, and Mike Tyson's like, Looks at me. | ||
| He's like, I felt the same way when I used to walk to the ring and I'd see one guy booing me. | ||
| And I'm like, what did I do to you? | ||
| Why are you booing me? | ||
| And then Mike Tyson said the smartest thing I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| He goes, it's a scary neighborhood up here and you're all by yourself. | ||
| And I was like, he said that. | ||
| I go, yeah, Mike Tyson. | ||
| That was fucking awesome. | ||
| I walked out of that like I got fucking sage advice from the baddest man on the planet. | ||
| That's a great piece of advice too. | ||
| Because he's right. | ||
| It's a scary neighborhood up here and you're all by yourself. | ||
| And you're like, damn, dude. | ||
| You want to talk about doom and gloom. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| You live and die in your mind in a lot of ways. | ||
| You really do. | ||
| I was talking about recalibrating and stuff. | ||
| I really tried to focus on calming down, having fun. | ||
| I love watching comics where you just know they're actually having fun. | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Because you can watch guys that are up there and you're like, that guy's doing his act. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can see guys that you're like... | ||
| Doesn't it suck when it's you? | ||
| When you feel it, when you feel that you're just doing your acts, you're like, oh no. | ||
| Yeah, it's a thing that I've been really actively trying to be like, don't just fucking do your jokes. | ||
| Because you're throwing, you're going at 50% when you're doing that. | ||
| Well, comedy is so strange. | ||
| And for people who don't understand what it is, like, it seems like we're just talking, right? | ||
| That's why it's so weird. | ||
| Because everybody just talks. | ||
| And everybody's funny. | ||
| Like, most people have said funny things. | ||
| I know a lot of my friends have said funny things, but they've never gone on stage. | ||
| I know funnier people in conversation that have never done comedy than comedians. | ||
| But my point is, almost everybody has said something funny and made me laugh, and I'm a professional comedian. | ||
| I'm like, ah, that's hilarious. | ||
| There's a giant difference between that and comedy. | ||
| And the difference is that comedy is like a state of mind that you achieve in sync with the audience, where it's almost like mass hypnosis. | ||
| And the audience is like, when someone's a great comic, like if Chris Rock's on stage, I give in to their thinking. | ||
| I just go like, tell me what's going down. | ||
| I'm not saying, what would I have done? | ||
| That doesn't seem wise. | ||
| Yeah, you're following their thought process. | ||
| I'm thinking like them. | ||
| I'm on their frequency. | ||
| They take you on a frequency. | ||
| And when they capture you and they're killing, you're thinking like they're thinking. | ||
| And it's amazing. | ||
| It's different than people think it is. | ||
| It's fun to watch like a Louis or Bill Burr and you sit in the back and you watch and they just like how fast but calm and slow they're able to be like, boom, got you, here we go. | ||
| Like Colin Quinn's new hour. | ||
| Colin's fucking amazing. | ||
| Dude, Colin is one of the most underrated comedians of all time because he's so fucking good. | ||
| I might say he's my top guy, him and Attell. | ||
| I think Colin Quinn and Dave Attell are the pillars of New York City comedy. | ||
| I would agree. | ||
| I would agree. | ||
| They're both amazing. | ||
| I think from Colin and Dave you get all the rest of it. | ||
| Yeah, Dave is another one. | ||
| You must see him if he's near you. | ||
| He's a master. | ||
| One of the highest levels you'll ever see a stand-up. | ||
| He's that good. | ||
| Which is so tight. | ||
| He's just great. | ||
| It's just polished professional, man. | ||
| He's just so good. | ||
| But Colin, you're talking about being on their frequency. | ||
| When you go watch it, you can go watch a New York story on Netflix where he explains all the races and people coming over to New York. | ||
| But when you get in his mindset, you're like, dude, this is so good. | ||
| It's funny as shit. | ||
| He's taking you on a thought journey. | ||
| You lock into his frequency. | ||
| I went out and got tickets and went and saw a show. | ||
| You become deadened for comedy when you do it long enough. | ||
| Again, you're like, I'll go down to the butcher and get you some sausage. | ||
| It's still good, but to go out and have it and to watch that new hour. | ||
| Again, I know Colin, but I was excited to see that hour and be like, damn, dude, he's got this bit, this bit. | ||
| You want to leave being like, fuck, I've got to go get better. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about inspiration. | ||
| When you see someone who's really good, it actually gives you energy. | ||
| It fuels you. | ||
| I saw Colin. | ||
| I was one of the guests on Tough Crowd. | ||
| I was one of the guests on Tough Crowd. | ||
| But the best part of the show was Colin doing stand-up to the audience. | ||
| He did his own warm-up? | ||
| He did his own warm-up. | ||
| I don't know if he did it all the time, but he definitely did it the time I saw him. | ||
| Yeah, so he goes out there I don't remember if there was another comedian if somebody warmed it up and then brought up Colin I don't remember but I remember Colin Casually walk around the set fucking murdering I mean Murdering yeah to the point where I was like oh my god. | ||
| This is so tight this stuff so good Yeah, it's like goddamn like this sucks like that what we're doing is funny But it's not as funny as this yeah like we're like the audience is seeing a thing That's better than this guy is known for being famous for yeah I mean, everybody knew he was a funny comic, but I'm telling you, the act was so good. | ||
| I'm like, this guy should be filling stadiums. | ||
| It's that good. | ||
| That's a great way of putting it, because you see these jokes. | ||
| He has throwaway lines, and same with the tell. | ||
| These throwaway jokes that you're like, Dude, you know how many comics would fucking kill for that? | ||
| Back in 2008, when it was McCain and Obama, I saw Colin at the cellar just have this throwaway line where he's like, eh, John McCain really smiles like a father that's about to become violent. | ||
| And they're like, that's so funny. | ||
| And then in 2016, he said like- With his fucking delivery! | ||
| Yeah, and he's like, uh-huh. | ||
| He's like, Hillary, her campaign speeches have the authenticity of a lap dance. | ||
| And you're like, it's just like these- It's like these jokes that just are so in time. | ||
| But when you see it live. | ||
| Ah, it's the best. | ||
| See, I want to be real clear about this, because he was a great host of Tough Crowd. | ||
| It was a great show. | ||
| It was very funny. | ||
| Yeah, I think it inspired my entire generation. | ||
| His stand-up that night was so funny that I was like, why aren't they just showing that? | ||
| Yeah, put that on. | ||
| Put that on. | ||
| I mean, and then, you know, what I loved is seeing Colin, living in New York, you get to, like, watch him workshop it, right? | ||
| But I don't do that. | ||
| When I see, like, Colin will do it at the Fat Black Pussycat, he'll run it on Monday nights, like, he'll build his new hour, and I, like, wait. | ||
| And I kind of am like, how far, like, I'll see him, and I'll be like, how far along? | ||
| You know, he's like, eh, it's getting there. | ||
| And then you, like, kind of wait, and then, because then you go see it, and it's like, this is worth the wait. | ||
| This is incredible. | ||
| Just, it's fun. | ||
| I love, I still have that thing about comedy where, I love watching it. | ||
| I love watching really good comedy. | ||
| You're never gonna lose it. | ||
| You're not dumb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's the reason why you got into it in the first place is because you liked watching comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like, dude, when I moved to New York, that feeling of going... | ||
| Did you have that when you did Boston, LA? But Boston was big. | ||
| That was a big comedy city. | ||
| It was a good scene. | ||
| It was a super lucky scene. | ||
| Like when I came along in 1988 is when I started. | ||
| August 27th, 1988. We all have our launch date. | ||
| Yeah, we all have our launch date. | ||
| There was five clubs in this one small area. | ||
| Yeah, there's a great... | ||
| I watched that documentary when stand-up stood out. | ||
| It's a great documentary. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Yeah, Fran Salamita made it. | ||
| He's a guy who's from that area, so he knew the whole story, and he got great footage, and it was a really special time. | ||
| But that was before me, honestly. | ||
| I rode the wave after those guys. | ||
| Those guys like the Lenny Clarks and the Steve Sweenys, they were murderers when I was an open-miker. | ||
| They were headliners. | ||
| They were like the previous generation, and they were as good as anybody in the country, man. | ||
| When I moved to New York and became friends with Joe List, he's like the prince of Boston, so he was giving me so much fucking propaganda films. | ||
| He's like, fucking Boston's the best! | ||
| Everyone's Good's from Boston! | ||
| He always would get drunk, he'd say that, but he would show that documentary, and I saw that documentary, and I was like, man, that's such a... | ||
| What a great scene to start in. | ||
| Because you're seeing tried and true killers. | ||
| And also, you're amongst a lot of other good young comics. | ||
| It's understating. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| They were the best comics in the world. | ||
| They were that good. | ||
| The audiences in Boston, especially in the 80s and the early 90s, they didn't have room for any bullshit. | ||
| These guys were rapid fire punchline machines. | ||
| They were some of the best comics in the world. | ||
| A lot of their comedy was like local comedy and a lot of their comedy was about like local stuff. | ||
| I always can bury you. | ||
| And it didn't work on the road at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It didn't work on the road at all. | ||
| You do Boston jokes in LA, they don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about what you're saying. | ||
| You don't get all the juice that's attached. | ||
| If you're doing a local joke, just extra juice that's attached to that subject because everybody knows what you're talking about. | ||
| It's a thing. | ||
| That's what Tim Dillon and I jokingly refer to as the Long Island trap. | ||
| You go out there to work and you got a guy who's like real big in Long Island. | ||
| He's like, guess what? | ||
| I'm throwing out three wrong concomos and I'm burying you. | ||
| I'm burying your bitch ass, city boy. | ||
| It's a fucking fight. | ||
| It's a real thing. | ||
| It's a real thing. | ||
| Because then you go up there and you're like, you look almost disrespectful. | ||
| You're like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what your fucking people do here. | ||
| And they're like, you don't know Ron Conk, come on. | ||
| Oh, bro. | ||
| First off, I'm out from Long Beach. | ||
| And that's just fucking bullshit, bro. | ||
| And you're like, fuck, I don't know, dude. | ||
| They get really vocal. | ||
| I used to fucking, I would bring, Tim would feature for me. | ||
| But, you know, I would take him to Long Island and he'd be like, Why do I gotta go to Long Island? | ||
| You take Gary Vita to Denver, but you take me to Long Island. | ||
| So I took him to Comedy Works. | ||
| This was right before he started headlining. | ||
| I was like, dude, come to Comedy Works. | ||
| It was amazing, but he was the Long Island whisperer. | ||
| You would take him out there, and you'd fucking shout him down like a lion tamer, and then you'd go up and be like, I'm gonna do my act. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| He'd clear the brush in Long Island. | ||
| Fuck, this is great. | ||
| And that's also like... | ||
| When I'd go on the road with Shane, you would see like him in like an Albany or like a fucking Boston. | ||
| He's just good luck. | ||
| Good luck following him. | ||
| Good luck following Shane anywhere. | ||
| I mean now, absolutely. | ||
| Bro, Shane, that fucking Trump thing, when he closes with this Trump impression, and he can do it, he does it to a T. I'm telling you right now, I don't want to give it away, but his Navy Seals bit and his George Washington bit are things that you watch as a comic and you walk away and you're like, I gotta go work. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| That's what I love about... | ||
| Norman's got jokes like that. | ||
| I'll watch Norman and he'll just... | ||
| Or Sam Marill. | ||
| Sam Marill, you'll see him do a new 15 minutes and you're like, what the fuck, dude? | ||
| I thought, well, who's doing all this work? | ||
| I thought we're gonna work at the same pace. | ||
| Stop it! | ||
| I have one new tag from a bit I've been doing for six months. | ||
| And he comes in with a fully... | ||
| And that's what's fun is to come up with those guys and then become contemporaries with them where you're like, damn, dude, I love seeing his new shit. | ||
| Or just, you know, people do jokes where you're like... | ||
| Yeah, well that's what's inspirational about those places like if you're in New York I guess it's like the cellar and the stand is the store in LA and when you when you can be around and in Boston it was Nick's Comedy Stop and Stitches those were the two clubs that I got to see all these Boston legends. | ||
| Yeah, I got to do Nick's coming up. | ||
| Nick's was great. | ||
| Nick's would uh when I was coming up It was in a dance club Oh yeah, downstairs was a dance club. | ||
| And they would boot you, no matter what. | ||
| The show had to be over at 9, because they had to turn it into a dance club. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| And you go from feeling so cool as a comedian to being in the way instantly. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| 2007 through 2011. Oh, wow. | ||
| So it was like- So the upstairs was a dance club? | ||
| They converted the upstairs to a dance? | ||
| Yeah, it was down in the theater district. | ||
| Oh no, I worked there a ton of times. | ||
| Oh yeah, so the big stairs, you go upstairs to the big stairs and then out was like, in the sunken middle was where the audience would sit and you would be all the way against the back wall with the bar behind you. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| At 9 o'clock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Cut the mic. | ||
| Everybody out. | ||
| They just grab all the tables and chairs and it becomes a dance club? | ||
| They're like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| And you know, first time I'm like, one of the first times working it, I have like a good set. | ||
| And I'm like, hey, let me get another shot. | ||
| And the guy's like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| And you're like, just a second ago, you were comping me drinks a second ago. | ||
| And they're like, get out of here. | ||
| And then all the Boston guys know. | ||
| So like Joe List or Dan Bolger or Tom Dustin's like, come on, we gotta fucking go. | ||
| And you're like, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| It just goes from being special to being like, you fucking vagrant. | ||
| They used to have three comedy rooms simultaneously running in that club. | ||
| I mean, yeah, that's what's crazy about this. | ||
| It was the upstairs. | ||
| That was the regular club. | ||
| And then they had a smaller room that was downstairs. | ||
| And then they had this gigantic fucking disco. | ||
| They only did the disco a few times. | ||
| I wonder if the disco was where... | ||
| That's the downstairs. | ||
| Okay, yeah, we didn't do that. | ||
| It was a gay club. | ||
| It was like a gay nightclub, and I think they went under, or maybe they became a gay club again, but it was like a guy's hookup joint. | ||
| Yeah, so they really want you out of there. | ||
| They're like, get the fuck out of here, come on. | ||
| I don't remember when Nix had it, if there was like, maybe someone lost a lease or something, and they had it for a little while, but during the comedy, the point is that during the comedy boom, It was so great that they were running simultaneous shows with all these killers, and they were just sold out all the time. | ||
| So they were running these shows where you'd have like Steve Sweeney, Don Gavin, Kevin Knox, boom, boom, boom, Mike Donovan. | ||
| These guys were murderers, man. | ||
| Don Gavin was a fucking murderer. | ||
| Steve Sweeney was a murderer. | ||
| You didn't want to be in the room. | ||
| You would get hypnotized. | ||
| And you would think that you're about to die going on after those guys. | ||
| No one's going to survive this. | ||
| There's that scene when stand-up stood out when Lenny Clark talks about, like, I opened Stitches, I went down to Nick's, closed that, opened that show. | ||
| And he's talking about all the money and the blow and everything. | ||
| And you're like, look at that fucking go. | ||
| Lenny's the best. | ||
| The seller got... | ||
| They're working like four rooms where you go do the Fat Black and then you can go do the Village Underground, walk around the corner, do the original room. | ||
| And it's like the store had that with the belly room. | ||
| It's like when you're in a comedy club and there's three rooms working, you're like, this is fucking cool. | ||
| This is cool, especially if you're a regular at the club. | ||
| You can jump on at a couple shows. | ||
| Yeah, the store was always awesome like that because there was belly room shows you could do, the OR, the main room. | ||
| Yeah, whenever I visited, because I haven't spent a lot of time in LA, I noticed that the store really is... | ||
| Almost built for that. | ||
| Like the way the hallway all converges and you're like, that room, that room, that room. | ||
| But the cellar was great because once, you know, the cellar was just that small room. | ||
| And then they opened the Village Underground and then boom, go up top and then you could just go and be like, I got four spots to stand. | ||
| They had one room and then they moved to a new place with two rooms. | ||
| You're like, this is fun. | ||
| Did you ever read any Malcolm Gladwell? | ||
| Did you ever read Outliers? | ||
| No, but I did read Blink. | ||
| Did I say Gladwell? | ||
| How did I say it? | ||
| I think you got it. | ||
| That's how high I am. | ||
| Not sure if I said his name right. | ||
| No, I think you got a Malcolm Gladwell. | ||
| Yeah, his Outliers is fucking incredible and they talk about the Beatles and the Beatles when they were in Germany when they were playing eight hours a day and They were just playing constantly. | ||
| Nonstop. | ||
| And they came back to England afterwards, and they were just a way better band. | ||
| They were way better. | ||
| Well, you know, his theory is the 10,000 hours. | ||
| But it's just... | ||
| There's a great book called Talent is Overrated. | ||
| And what the guy does is he basically builds off... | ||
| He builds with Gladwell's theory to be like, time is very important, but applied practice is more important. | ||
| So making your shortcomings strong. | ||
| He gives examples of violinists, pianists, chess players, people that have to do repetitions. | ||
| And he talks about Jerry Rice on the 49ers and about how he would do those hand clamps. | ||
| He'd just walk around with the hand clamps and people are like... | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| He's like, I'm strengthening my hands so that when a ball gets thrown, I have stronger hands than the guy trying to take it from me. | ||
| So he would work meticulously. | ||
| Tiger Woods with his backswing. | ||
| His dad would hit him with an air horn. | ||
| So now when it happens, it's just all natural. | ||
| It's a great book because the guy really says if you spend 45 minutes a day Working on applied practice and making your shortcomings your strengths, that's how you build everything up. | ||
| Like, all together. | ||
| You just raise the whole thing. | ||
| For people, it's just hard to get going. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Once you get good habits and good practices, it feels normal to keep them up. | ||
| It's just hard to get going. | ||
| I mean that's almost exactly what we're talking about with the road where it's like I got into doing that and like working that and then when it went away and I came back I was like fuck dude I gotta get back up to doing it. | ||
| Get back up to getting that energy. | ||
| Comedy is a strange thing, man, because you're never done with it. | ||
| It's never like... | ||
| Oh, yeah, and it changes. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine if you play guitar, I don't know, I'm just guessing, but imagine you get to a level. | ||
| Like, can Gary Clark Jr. get better? | ||
| He can't get better. | ||
| I think he can do new stuff, and I think he can, like... | ||
| He's gonna create new songs, but he's not gonna get better at playing the actual guitar. | ||
| You're saying like the actual hitting chords. | ||
| Is it possible? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I wonder what Clapton thinks about shit like that, because he's been like... | ||
| I mean, it makes sense. | ||
| You get better at everything, right? | ||
| Yeah, so I'm sure there's like ways Keith Richards plays now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That he didn't in the 70s or 80s. | ||
| There's a thing about guitar, and I don't know jack shit about music. | ||
| Yeah, me either. | ||
| I'm just going to say this right away. | ||
| But certain people, when they play it, I know it's them. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like Stevie Ray Vaughan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Classic example. | ||
| Like, you hear Stevie Ray Vaughan play guitar, and you're pretty sure that's Stevie Ray Vaughan. | ||
| Jimi Hendrix, you hear like... | ||
| Gary Clark. | ||
| Gary Clark Jr., same thing. | ||
| You hear him play. | ||
| They did a cover of Midnight Rider. | ||
| It was Honey Honey and Gary Clark Jr. They did an impromptu cover. | ||
| So impromptu that Suzanne from Honey Honey is reading the lyrics off her phone. | ||
| She had to Google the lyrics right before they sang the song. | ||
| So she gets the lyrics on her phone. | ||
| She's singing Midnight Rider. | ||
| And Gary Clark Jr. is playing guitar, but he did it like a Gary Clark Jr. versus the Midnight Rider. | ||
| Immediately on the spot. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's some crazy shit when someone can make it dares almost instantaneously and kind of put that like You know dude, is that still up? | ||
| That's on my Instagram, right? | ||
| You need to see this I put a little video of it on the Instagram You need to see it because it's like so indicative of what we're talking about It's like when he starts playing it you fucking know that's him If you if you if someone played that for you and said who is this? | ||
| Yeah, you got Gary Clark jr. Yeah, like and it but it's a guitar With someone like him, who's just from a very young age, incredible at a thing, incredible at an instrument, what do you think the coolest phase of that is as you're getting better? | ||
| What do you think the coolest, if you could cut a slice of cake out of that? | ||
| I think it's probably the early days. | ||
| Like when you're like this, where you're like, oh, I can go like this? | ||
| Yeah, I think the early days, when you first started getting really good, it would probably be the most magical. | ||
| But I thought it would be awesome to be this, though. | ||
| Listen to this shit, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, son. | |
| This is Midnight on a Tuesday. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I mean, you know who that is. | ||
| Have you heard that? | ||
| If you heard that, you'd be like, that's Gary Clark. | ||
| I've never heard this, and it's immediately... | ||
| It's fucking incredible, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, it's one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my life. | |
| But how goddamn good is he? | ||
| You also watch it, and I know exactly... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just so fucking cool, too. | |
| Like, look at him up there with a hat and a leather jacket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I mean. | |
| I think of myself missing and being like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddamn, that's good. | |
| So I think what you were saying, can he get better? | ||
| I think he takes more risks now because he knows he can land them, you know? | ||
| Like trying to do that or soloing on that, the ability to solo them just riffing or whatever has got to be like, when you're that good, it's like dunking in the NBA. You want to see some crazy shit? | ||
| And you can try, and you probably have more momentum to try that. | ||
| Well, I know Gary, and he is super dedicated to music. | ||
| It's another thing. | ||
| It's like, you don't get to be like that. | ||
| He's constantly in the studio. | ||
| He's constantly practicing. | ||
| He has to be an obsession. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Constantly. | |
| I mean, as famous as he is for music, that guy's all in. | ||
| You don't get that good without that. | ||
| You have talent, for sure. | ||
| There's people that are just geniusly creative through whatever weird quirk of their personality. | ||
| They're really creative. | ||
| Yeah, they're bent right. | ||
| But when you get to a certain level, like a Dave Attell, like a certain level of proficiency, you only get that way through work. | ||
| Dave is constantly working. | ||
| Yeah, he's running jokes. | ||
| I remember after, I think it was after the Boston Marathon bombing. | ||
| I was outside smoking a cigarette at the cellar and Attell walked up and was like, how many bombing jokes do you have? | ||
| And I was like, none. | ||
| And he was like, come on! | ||
| And I was like, none. | ||
| And he's like, I've got four. | ||
| And he walked downstairs and was like, dude, my favorite David Attell story is he loves to run bits to see if anyone else is doing them. | ||
| Because that's how original he is. | ||
| He's like, I want to make sure no one else is doing this joke. | ||
| So he'll call comics And then be like, have you heard this premise? | ||
| Have you heard anyone use this premise? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I lived with Mike Vecchione for 10 years. | ||
| Mike Vecchione, one of the best comics in New York. | ||
| Just absolutely hilarious. | ||
| And Attell would call Vecchione, because they're buddies, and just talk. | ||
| But he'd run jokes. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So one time I'm in San Francisco, and Vecchione calls me. | ||
| He goes, hey, I'm busy. | ||
| Attell's gonna call you to run bits. | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| Like, cold water breathing? | ||
| You're like, okay. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Fucking, yeah. | ||
| Have him call me. | ||
| Have him call me. | ||
| And I get, it's a block number, and I pick it up, you know, and I'm like, hello? | ||
| And he's like, Dan, Dave Attell. | ||
| Have you ever heard anybody do this joke? | ||
| Fucking 20 of them. | ||
| And I go, actually, you know, for the serial one, you could tag. | ||
| He goes, not looking for tags. | ||
| And I go, oh. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't heard anybody do that. | ||
| He goes, okay, thank you, and hung up. | ||
| And I was like, fuck, fuck. | ||
| And then I get high, and I'm like, oh, fuck, dude. | ||
| Oh, fuck, I tried to give David Tell a tag. | ||
| I'm a fucking idiot. | ||
| And I called Vicki Owen like an emergency. | ||
| Like, dude, is he going to be mad at me? | ||
| And he's like, no, just he might not ever call you again. | ||
| It's just one of those things you don't know what to say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like Gary Clark Jr. being like, does this A sound right? | ||
| Well, it's like if your friend called you and told you a bit, you'd offer him a tag. | ||
| So you just did what you normally would do. | ||
| That's what I did. | ||
| If Becky Owen would call me, I'd be like, I'd say this. | ||
| You're like, what if I die? | ||
| In the way Attell talks, him just going, not looking for tags. | ||
| I was like, I'm surprised he didn't crush my phone in my hand. | ||
| Yeah, I was mortified. | ||
| And then he called me again and I knew. | ||
| Like, you don't need to get taught that lesson twice. | ||
| The second time he called me, I was just like, nope, I haven't heard anybody do that. | ||
| And he's like, okay. | ||
| And we're out. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I'm a reliable source again. | ||
| He hangs up. | ||
| I'm like, I just put my phone down. | ||
| Just fucking paranoid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because when your friends call, they're like, hey, I do this. | ||
| You'd be like, what about this? | ||
| Say this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm not going to tell a guy that's done the 10,000 hours. | ||
| Also, they're probably great bits. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Two of them. | ||
| He never has duds. | ||
| It's very rare that one doesn't. | ||
| Maybe he's trying to figure it out still. | ||
| Yeah, and it's also, if he goes on stage at the cellar, he's like Miles Davis. | ||
| If you kind of know he's going to come in sideways, you're like, this is going to be interesting. | ||
| If he's wearing his black leather gloves and his hat and he's drinking his coffee, it's going to be a weird set. | ||
| I knew drinking Dave. | ||
| I talked to Jay about that on the bonfire. | ||
| I'm obsessed with that because Jay opened for Dave while he was drinking and then right after he stopped drinking. | ||
| Well, he's one of the best examples of a guy who got way better when he stopped drinking. | ||
| He got way better. | ||
| I mean, he was always great. | ||
| He was always a very funny comic. | ||
| But he was doing that show, that late show, what the fuck is that called? | ||
| Insomniac. | ||
| Insomniac, that's right. | ||
| That show was doing him in because he was getting hammered with people all over the place and he was showing up at bars and drinking and it was part of the gig of the show. | ||
| It was part of the cell. | ||
| Drink with people, and then he would go out and, like, fucking shoot nutrias with people, you know? | ||
| I remember that, when he went down to New Orleans and they shot all those rats. | ||
| Yeah, those giant... | ||
| They're nutrias. | ||
| You ever seen one of those in real life? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| They're invasive. | ||
| They're a giant, invasive rodent. | ||
| I think it's from... | ||
| From Asia or Europe? | ||
| Where's a nutria from? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it might even be South American. | ||
| But they're fucking giant, dude. | ||
| Like this big. | ||
| Like a small dog. | ||
| Like the rats in Princess Bride? | ||
| Oh, bigger. | ||
| Let me see if you can get what a nutria looks like. | ||
| I think they get to like 40 or 50 pounds. | ||
| I just remember Dave shooting at him in an insomniac. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He like did. | ||
| He got killed at a club and then went out and did. | ||
| They hunt them. | ||
| They have to go out at night and hunt them. | ||
| So when you say they're invasive... | ||
| Somebody brought them over here and they started fucking. | ||
| Oh, I thought you meant like they bust into your house and shit like that. | ||
| No, they're like wild pigs. | ||
| Wild pigs are also an invasive species. | ||
| They're not native to North America. | ||
| The guy doing that... | ||
| Gotta have a smirk the whole time. | ||
| He's like, I'm bringing over some shit. | ||
| They didn't know what they were doing back then. | ||
| I was saying like, you bring those kind of rats over here and you're like, you guys want to see some crazy shit? | ||
| I'm bringing some crazy shit over here. | ||
| Imagine if you were that diabolical. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that, dude. | |
| Look at the size of that fucking thing. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, they're giant. | ||
| I mean, it's like a small dog, right? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Daddy's fucking massive. | ||
| And they're all over the place. | ||
| So funny, though. | ||
| Look at the size of that fucker. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Because they're like two inches away from beavers who are just adorable. | ||
| Adorable. | ||
| Well, that's like rats and squirrels, right? | ||
| Yeah, squirrels. | ||
| Squirrels and rats are fucking pretty close in size and shape. | ||
| They just don't have a blowout. | ||
| It's that cool tail. | ||
| The tail that shows emotion and stuff. | ||
| But rats just have that fucking... | ||
| They got fucked in the tail department. | ||
| Yeah, there it is, dude. | ||
| Yeah, Insomniac with Dave Attell shooting at Nutrius. | ||
| And, Jamie, where did Nutrius come from? | ||
| Dude, I loved it. | ||
| They brought him over somehow or another and didn't understand what was happening. | ||
| It's gotta be the biggest mindfuck the first time you see that. | ||
| You go, dude, I think the rats are hitting the gym. | ||
| Something's up. | ||
| They're coming out fucking big and mean. | ||
| The first time someone saw one. | ||
| Just it coming out and being like, what's up? | ||
| I remember the first time I saw a muscly pit bull. | ||
| The first time you're like, what the fuck is that then? | ||
| The ones they're breeding now, they look like cartoons. | ||
| Yeah, they walk around like Schwarzenegger in the Olympia days. | ||
| You know guys exercise them? | ||
| How do you... | ||
| Do they do like a... | ||
| No, you have a fucking treadmill. | ||
| They have Pitbull treadmills. | ||
| I'm not bullshitting you. | ||
| They have GameDog treadmills. | ||
| And these GameDog treadmills are like... | ||
| Have you ever used one of them CrossFit... | ||
| Like I have one called the Air Runner. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| It's a self-propelled treadmill. | ||
| So the more you push off it... | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, you're pushing off of it. | ||
| It's not moving on its own. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's got a slope to it. | ||
| And I think it's something like 10% or 15% harder than just regular running. | ||
| So it actually is better for you. | ||
| Oh, so it's a double fuck that for me. | ||
| It's more difficult than regular running. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's what they do with these pit bulls. | ||
| They put them on these self-propelling treadmills. | ||
| And they're just like, fuck it. | ||
| And they're just fucking going after it. | ||
| Or they put them on ones where they make them keep up with the treadmill. | ||
| Like they have a motor treadmill going. | ||
| But they work them out, man. | ||
| They have them pull stuff. | ||
| They put things in their mouth and have them pull stuff. | ||
| They just become Magnus Vermagnuson. | ||
| They just become these world's strongest men. | ||
| If it works for a person, it would work for a dog. | ||
| That's so funny to be a dog, like an actual trainer, and you're like, I'll get your dog jacked. | ||
| Show up. | ||
| They're fucking amazing dogs. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| If they didn't like to fight other dogs so much, they'd be like the best dog. | ||
| But they want to fight other dogs, man. | ||
| If you weren't just so violent, taking my dog to the dog park and watching a dog that you know is going to be a problem, especially on New York City, those dog parks are like prison yards. | ||
| You don't know who the fuck- But here it is. | ||
| This is one of the Pitbull treadmills. | ||
| He's like, come on, don't make me work. | ||
| Okay, I'll go. | ||
| I think he wants it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that tail. | ||
| He looks like he wants it. | ||
| He likes it. | ||
| Let me go. | ||
| Let me go. | ||
| Oh, do they let him? | ||
| They just tell him? | ||
| Now that you know, he's like, I can't wait! | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| I've never seen a dog. | ||
| Go, go, go! | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Dude, that was so funny. | ||
| Bro, that is insane. | ||
| Once you realize that he was excited, that was so fucking funny. | ||
| Yeah, because you can't say that dog doesn't love that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| That dog fucking loves that. | ||
| Number one, he's got the telltale sign, which is the butt wiggle. | ||
| When the whole butt wiggles, they're super pumped. | ||
| I guess we just have to not look at it like it's involuntary. | ||
| It's clearly voluntary. | ||
| That dog wants to do this so much. | ||
| It's probably fun as hell because his body is like a super-tuned athlete's body. | ||
| Must feel amazing to just full-out sprint on a treadmill. | ||
| Yeah, let me uncap it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He's like, yeah! | ||
| Yeah, but running for a dog like that, like that being held back by a chain, must feel great. | ||
| It's like you're exercising like a superhero body, like a pit bull is a superhero body. | ||
| In the world of dogs, they're supermen. | ||
| Superheroes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The real superheroes are those Belgian Malinois. | ||
| Bring it up. | ||
| Bring it up, Jamie. | ||
| Let's see the fucking Malinois. | ||
| They don't even seem real. | ||
| They can jump. | ||
| 30 feet through the air, like they're flying. | ||
| You've never seen anything like it. | ||
| They use them for the military. | ||
| They're attack dogs. | ||
| And it's not a dog that you want to have. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's a Belgian Malinois. | ||
| That fucking dog just clapped. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Good fucking luck. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Look at the height. | ||
| Look at the height. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got it. | |
| In John Wick 3, Halle Berry had Belgian Malinois. | ||
| That's what that was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm pretty sure they were Belgian Malinois. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| But these fucking things will climb up trees. | ||
| They'll run straight up a wall. | ||
| That's what you're talking about. | ||
| They can fly through the air. | ||
| And all they want to do is fuck things up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were talking about the first person that saw those big rats. | ||
| Could you imagine being in a tree, being like, I got away from this dog, and then he just flies up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Look how it just climbed that roof, dude. | ||
| Look, he's walking across wires. | ||
| They're super smart, and they need exercise. | ||
| So if you're a person that has one of these, and you think you're just going to leave it in your backyard, you're torturing this thing. | ||
| I'm going to show my dog these videos to be like, hey, just know this. | ||
| These dogs are out there. | ||
| These dogs are out there. | ||
| I know you love treats, and I know you love to go to the park. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| The military guys call them meat missiles. | ||
| They let the meat missiles go. | ||
| Dude, they will fuck you up. | ||
| They're not big dogs. | ||
| They're like 60, 70 pounds max, I think. | ||
| Do they respond to, like, I always loved watching the German Shepherds respond in ways where they're like, oh, they come trained. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, when you have a dog like that, it's like having a weapon. | ||
| It's not like a regular dog. | ||
| You have a human attacking weapon. | ||
| And so it's weird that you can have one. | ||
| It's weird that you can have like a human attacking weapon. | ||
| But you can train them and they'll be good dogs. | ||
| I've been around guys who had them and they're good dogs. | ||
| Man, just imagine having one of those in the birds and you lose a ball in a backyard and you're like, well, here's the deal. | ||
| You can get the ball. | ||
| That dog's coming right over that fence with you. | ||
| That dog is going to chase you till... | ||
| A buddy of mine had one in LA and he used to bring it to the studio. | ||
| It was a military dog. | ||
| He was cool as fuck. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Cool as fuck. | ||
| Easy to be around. | ||
| But you didn't want to bring other dogs around. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I just know how goofy my dog is. | ||
| My dog's goofy. | ||
| Yeah, and she would just be like, hey, who are you? | ||
| And he's like, I am trained. | ||
| Do not come near me. | ||
| Yeah, because I'd have to tell him when I was bringing my dog by. | ||
| I'm like, hey man, I'm bringing Marshall by. | ||
| Marshall's a golden retriever. | ||
| His zero, like, there's no aggression in him. | ||
| It doesn't exist. | ||
| Unless you're a squirrel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're a squirrel, he's there to bring death. | ||
| I grew up with a golden retriever. | ||
| They are... | ||
| They're the best dogs. | ||
| They are the sweetest... | ||
| Boys in the world. | ||
| Yeah, they're just so sweet. | ||
| My dog was fat, because I loved to feed him, but he could still move. | ||
| It was like Jerome Bettis. | ||
| Well, they're bird dogs. | ||
| Yeah, I would go to the backyard and play a game where I'd take two tennis balls, and so I was like growing up, and I'd throw one to one end, and then he would run down and get it, and I'd throw the other one to that one, and then he would dart across the room, and I'd just keep doing that, and at the end he'd be like, Yeah. | ||
| He just saw it in his face. | ||
| He's like, this fucking rules. | ||
| Dogs love to run. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like that dog was jumping on that treadmill. | ||
| That's how my dog gets when I throw the tennis ball for him. | ||
| He gets fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's fucking party. | |
| Sometimes he starts running. | ||
| I haven't even thrown it. | ||
| I go, dude, look, it's right here. | ||
| He's like, oh. | ||
| I'm like, I didn't even trick you. | ||
| I love the play action. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just ran. | |
| When you run it, and they're like, got it? | ||
| And you're like, yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah, you fucking just remember that. | ||
| I got a little bit of brains on you. | ||
| He was the easiest dog that I've ever had to train to bring things back, too. | ||
| Oh, they're retrievers. | ||
| I mean, it's in the name. | ||
| I mean, it was instant. | ||
| It was instant. | ||
| Like, the fetch thing, instant. | ||
| Dude, he... | ||
| I grew up... | ||
| I got my golden retriever when I was, like, nine. | ||
| Because our other dog died, and I got him and just got to be, like, my dog. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Where he was like, this is my guy. | ||
| I came back from college. | ||
| The first Thanksgiving I came back from college, Montana, was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fucking... | |
| He has risen! | ||
| He has risen! | ||
| I just walked in being like, I'm back, Montana. | ||
| Come and love me. | ||
| And he was like doing those things, you know, they jump up and circle around and you're like, yeah! | ||
| It's a fucking party. | ||
| That's the best, man. | ||
| Having a dog, we... | ||
| My girlfriend and I got a dog in the pandemic and it made... | ||
| That dog rules. | ||
| She comes on the road with me now. | ||
| It just fucking rules. | ||
| They're the coolest animals. | ||
| They're just like, you look at them and you're like, you're all about a good time, dude. | ||
| Yeah, they're all about love. | ||
| It's an amazing creation of the bastardization of nature. | ||
| Of a wolf. | ||
| Taking a wolf and turned it into this love machine. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| I had an old joke that I never really stuck with about just the first guy to bring a wolf in a village. | ||
| And he's like, Hey, no, it's my best friend. | ||
| Everyone's like, dude, fuck that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| Don't bring that thing near me. | ||
| Well, people forget what wolves were. | ||
| We think of wolves as these beautiful animals that live in the mountains. | ||
| White Fang. | ||
| We have to bring them back because, you know, what happened was in the Old West days, they poisoned them. | ||
| Why do you think they did that? | ||
| Because they were coming for their kids. | ||
| Because they were eating their kids. | ||
| Like, they eat a lot of people. | ||
| Yeah, you realize that, like, we were talking about that book, The Heart of Everything, that is about Red Cloud, and, like, the Western Sioux, and they talked about when they laid the train tracks, and, you know, us whats were coming west with a repeater fucking rifle just shooting buffalo. | ||
| And then what happens is they can't use it because it's rotten meat, but then the wolves come. | ||
| So then they were like, oh, we'll clean up the wolves. | ||
| And now the wolves are just terrorizing tribes and shit because they're like, oh, these dead fucking buffalo are nearby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| God. | ||
| And then you gotta be like, yeah. | ||
| So then they started putting poison on the wolves and that just fucked everything up. | ||
| Started getting in the water and shit. | ||
| You're like, damn. | ||
| What a domino effect. | ||
| Oh, that has to happen if you're gonna kill an apex predator. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's, by the way, the only effective way to kill them in large numbers. | ||
| They're so smart. | ||
| Unless you have like a concerted effort to gun them down from helicopters and you chase them into open areas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those videos are wild. | |
| They hunt them like that in certain areas of the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they have a population that they need to control. | ||
| Just be like wolves. | ||
| Can you imagine living in a place on Earth where you're like, fucking wolves, dude. | ||
| Got my girl. | ||
| I was in Canada once, and I was coming back from Alberta. | ||
| And I think I did a show there, and I must have had something on me that made this guy come up to me and ask me about hunting. | ||
| Maybe I had a magazine I was reading or something like that. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, we do a lot of wolf hunting up here. | ||
| And he was a regular guy. | ||
| I mean, he looked like a guy that you would see that goes, yeah, I sell fucking auto insurance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He didn't seem like a crazy looking guy. | ||
| I go, how often do you wolf on? | ||
| He goes, every chance we can. | ||
| We got to get rid of them. | ||
| They're fucking everywhere. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| And so he's telling me what he does is take meat, like scraps of meat and stuff, and they freeze it. | ||
| And they freeze it in like a garbage tub. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And then they make a giant meat sickle. | ||
| And they leave it out there. | ||
| And then they wait. | ||
| And they just look going. | ||
| The wolves have figured it out. | ||
| It's harder to get them now because they've killed a few this way. | ||
| But they hide, like in tree stands, with rifles. | ||
| And that's the most effective way he's found to kill wolves. | ||
| They have to draw them in. | ||
| It's meat-sicles. | ||
| Well, the thing is, man, there's so many trees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And these motherfuckers are smart, and they can smell 100,000 times better than you. | ||
| I just think about being a dumb wolf. | ||
|
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|
And they see things. | |
| Just being a dumb wolf and being like, look at that fucking meat circle. | ||
| Just fucking catch a rifle. | ||
| Most likely young. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most likely young wolves. | ||
| Because I'm sure they operate the way rats do. | ||
| Rats will send, like there's that documentary on Netflix, Rats. | ||
| You ever watch that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fucking great. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Great. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| I need a road movie. | ||
| It's a good one. | ||
|
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|
All right. | |
| It's a real good one. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Rats send a young dumb one out to check to see if something's poison. | ||
| And they see this one and they're like, yep, see, Harry, it's fucking poison. | ||
| It's one guy that's like, that was my kid! | ||
| They figured out poison. | ||
| Rats know what poison is. | ||
| They know that some stuff, if you eat it, it'll kill you. | ||
| How the fuck? | ||
| That battle, if you're on the human side of it, where you're stressed out, you're like, what's wrong, dude? | ||
| And you're like, fuck it, I'm in a race of new poison against rats. | ||
| I gotta fucking outsmart these things. | ||
| They knew my old poison. | ||
| They know my old shit. | ||
| I think they just keep using it and they kill dumb young rats and they think they're doing a good job. | ||
| But what this documentary exposed is that there's this sophisticated culture down. | ||
| It's a fucking ruthless, nasty, vicious culture. | ||
| But rats have a civilization. | ||
| There's more rats in New York City than there are human beings. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And living there, you're reminded of that walking through parks late at night by garbage bags. | ||
| When I first started, when I moved to New York in 07, it was one of those things where I was outside smoking at an open mic just by a mountain of trash, and you'd just see, like, bags move, and you're like... | ||
| Then you see one go and you're like oh and you you know that fact you've heard that I heard that fact by then that there's more Rats than people in New York and you're like oh those are the brazen ones Those are the ones that are like yeah you were out here. | ||
| Yeah, it was under the surface Yeah, dude are just thinking about under that dude It's fucking went to a gas station once this is back in the day when I didn't have a cell phone I had to use a fucking pay phone this how long ago this is nice and So I'm pumping my gas, and I go over to use this payphone. | ||
| And as I'm using the payphone, like 10 feet away from my car, I watch a rat run out, jump on my wheel, my tire, and then disappear somewhere in my fucking car. | ||
| Jesus Christ, just walking around. | ||
| Just went into my car. | ||
| Just in the body of your car. | ||
| Did you ever find it? | ||
| I think it went into the engine bay or something. | ||
| And then another one does it. | ||
| And then another one does it. | ||
| And then there's all these rats jumping up on my car and climbing into my fucking car. | ||
| How do you drive away with that? | ||
| Well, I shut the door and they all scattered. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Because I never found it. | ||
| I just figured I'm just going to drive. | ||
| I'm like, I don't think they can get into the car from the engine bay. | ||
| Could you imagine me just fucking... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You see one in like a... | ||
| Just across. | ||
| But they were just so many of them. | ||
| The point is that as soon as you stopped your car, they jumped on your car. | ||
| They jumped over the top of your tires in the back wheel well. | ||
| And they were like running around in my car. | ||
| They were checking my car for food. | ||
| Like what if my window was open? | ||
| Maybe they would jump in and start eating a Subway sandwich. | ||
| And by the way, they're willing to risk it all for an open bag of Funyuns. | ||
| They are not scared of you. | ||
| Even remotely. | ||
| The... | ||
| New York One always puts up these videos occasionally of like the Taco Bell on 54th Street and you're just watching like 30 rats just be in the thing and you're like, holy shit! | ||
| And they did it to the Taco Bell by the restaurant I worked at. | ||
| Just go get a cheap, you know, Taco Bell, just go get a quesadilla. | ||
|
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And then you saw that video, you're like, oh my God. | |
| There's so many of them. | ||
| And you go down... | ||
| One of the grossest things I've ever seen in my life is New York City summer, riding the subways, like off the train. | ||
| It's like, you know, 100 out. | ||
| It's got that humidity. | ||
| Piss smell. | ||
| Dude, I was at the West 4th stop, right? | ||
| And it's this long fucking tunnel when you're going downtown on it and you get off... | ||
| On Third Street. | ||
| It's like this long fucking tunnel where there's all these advertisements. | ||
| And I'm looking ahead and I'm watching people move. | ||
| I'm like, I got my earbuds in and I'm like watching and I'm seeing people and they're like jumping. | ||
| And I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| And I look, and there's this rat that has half his fur gone. | ||
| It's just fucking bald on one side, and it's dying. | ||
| And it's like, and it's fucking big, and it's like, and it's just going side to side. | ||
| Dude, I ran by it like this. | ||
| Like, I made a noise, like, running by it. | ||
| I was like, because it was going up, and I was going up. | ||
| I was like, oh, no. | ||
| Dude, it was so gross. | ||
| It was just basically like, kill me. | ||
| Fucking kill me. | ||
|
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|
God. | |
| Dude, thinking about it now, and it was hot, and it was like, dude, this thing. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| That thing was... | ||
| Running around with people. | ||
| Like, not scared of the people. | ||
| It was dying. | ||
| It was just like, I don't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| It put me out of my goddamn misery. | ||
| I wonder if that's what it was doing. | ||
| Running around with those people. | ||
| Why wouldn't it hide to die? | ||
| Or it's the funniest rat. | ||
| When he comes back, he goes, I fucking got him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I got them all, bro. | ||
| Dude, you shaved me? | ||
| Fucking scared the shit out of them. | ||
| I'm so glad we did this. | ||
| Fucking scared the piss out of them. | ||
| I lived in a house in Encino at one point in time, and it was in the hills, and you got a lot of rats up there. | ||
| A lot of coyotes and a lot of rats. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I would get them in my garage. | ||
| They'd figure out a way to get under the garage door, and they would come into the garbage. | ||
| So I'd have the garbage in the garage, and I went out there, and the garbage was strewn everywhere. | ||
| It's like, fuck, I gotta get traps. | ||
| I got traps... | ||
| I hear the snap. | ||
| I go out there, and it's a fucking giant rat. | ||
| I mean, he's like this. | ||
| His body's this big. | ||
| I'm like, oh shit. | ||
| What's up, motherfucker? | ||
| And I'm looking at it, but I was like, I don't feel like dealing with this right now. | ||
| I'm like, I'm just going to leave this here, and I'll clean it up tomorrow. | ||
| So I leave it there, and I get up in the morning, and I open up the garage door, and they ate him. | ||
| The other rats ate him. | ||
| There was almost nothing left. | ||
| It was just the tail. | ||
| When you look into like a king rat situation where they're just like stuck together. | ||
| Yeah, what is that rat king thing? | ||
| It's like they'll climb up. | ||
| All their tails get stuck together. | ||
| And then they kill each other because they're all like. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| They're just stuck together and they're just like, I'll fucking kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's real. | |
| That is real. | ||
| Rat kings. | ||
| Rat kings. | ||
| So their tails just get tangled. | ||
| And then they wind up killing each other. | ||
| Is it always when there's like a shitload of them around? | ||
| That makes sense though, right? | ||
| If you have that many on top of each other. | ||
| Oh, look at that one in a tree. | ||
| Oh, baby squirrels accidentally got wrecking. | ||
| Look, they're all going ass to ass. | ||
| Ass to ass. | ||
| Ass to ass. | ||
| Dude, that's a real thing. | ||
| It's mummified. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I mean, dude, think about it. | ||
| If the three of us couldn't get away from each other and we didn't know why, and you just started panicking, you would wreck Jamie and I. I'm out first and then... | ||
| People would just... | ||
| It's like a Donner Party situation. | ||
| Dude, that book... | ||
| I just read a book about Donner Party that I'm like, all I want to do is talk about it. | ||
| It's so fucking crazy how one mistake... | ||
| It's called Underneath... | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| This is why pot sucks. | ||
| Because you read books and then you're like... | ||
| The Donner Party is the number one story of people eating people. | ||
| Yeah, but that was like... | ||
| When you see the point they got to... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Underneath the fuckin' something stars, they got to a point where they were like taking leather straps and boiling it down and eating leather. | ||
| Yeah, the indifferent stars above. | ||
| Fuckin' unbelievable. | ||
| Dude, it's like... | ||
| Who survived? | ||
| They had, I want to say, over 20 survivors, mostly women. | ||
| And how many people lived? | ||
| How many people died, right? | ||
| They lost over 60. And it was kids, families, and there were all these different camps. | ||
| And it was one guy just selling... | ||
| It was almost the most American story you can do, where a guy's like, I got a shortcut. | ||
| And they're like, is it good? | ||
| And he's like, of course it's good. | ||
| And then they're caught in the Sierra Mountains with like under like 15 feet of snow. | ||
| Like insane shit. | ||
| And then like they talk about eating the people and it had to be like one woman didn't want to know if it was her husband or not because her husband had died. | ||
| And she's like, just don't. | ||
| Just go mix up the meat. | ||
| Just go mix it up so I don't know that I'm eating my beloved John, you know? | ||
| And these guys got trapped and then they come out The end of that book is basically all about PTSD and about how all these people that survived were like... | ||
| That old-timey thing were like, we don't talk about that. | ||
| They just pushed it down. | ||
| How could you keep it together after eating a person? | ||
| Just coming back and being like... | ||
| Normal. | ||
| Super normal. | ||
| Stayed alive. | ||
| It's a nice day. | ||
| I ate this old lady. | ||
| Yeah, this fucking old guy died and I took a hunk of his thigh. | ||
| Also, doing the thing of dressing a human like a deer or something, where you gotta be like, oh, fuck, man. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Cannibalism really is the only thing for all humans where you're like... | ||
| Well, it's the only thing that there's a disease that prevents it. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, stop. | ||
| There's a disease. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Jakob Krutzfeld? | ||
| That's what it's called? | ||
| Is it like mad cow disease? | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| So it's like it causes holes in your brain? | ||
| Prions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a prion disease. | ||
| I think it comes from eating human... | ||
| It's either brain tissue or neural tissue. | ||
| Dude, if you have that, you just tell on yourself. | ||
| You're like, I have that. | ||
| They're like, so you eat people. | ||
| And you go, well... | ||
| I was in Taiwan, and I was at a place. | ||
| I didn't know what it was. | ||
| They fed me. | ||
| They lied. | ||
| It wasn't on the menu. | ||
| They said it was monkey brains, and then they brought it out, and it was fucking... | ||
| You're not supposed to eat monkey brains either, bro. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, I don't think you are. | ||
| Isn't that a good delicacy over there? | ||
| Yeah, but I think primate prions. | ||
| The thing would be like... | ||
| I don't know if people have gotten, you know, mad monkey disease, like mad cow disease, but mad cow disease comes from cows eating other cows. | ||
| Yeah, they put cow in the feed. | ||
| Not just meat. | ||
| They put cow brains and neural tissue and whatever the fuck. | ||
| What is the actual thing that causes the prions? | ||
| Is it or Jakobs Kretzfeld from eating humans? | ||
| It's either the brain tissue or it's the... | ||
| It says it's just from contaminated meat. | ||
| Not necessarily... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, but that's... | |
| No, but you're talking about mad cow disease, right? | ||
| Crutzfeldt Jacob. | ||
| Oh, well, you see that... | ||
| But that is what it means. | ||
| It is mad cow disease. | ||
| Pull up that word and then mad cow disease. | ||
| Dude, personality changes is funny. | ||
| I think it's still the same thing. | ||
| I think it's a prion disease. | ||
| But just... | ||
| See, it is mad cow disease. | ||
| Dude, what's so funny about that is it says it changes your personality. | ||
| So it is the same as mad cow disease. | ||
| No, CJD is not related to mad cow disease, although they're both considered TSEs. | ||
| Only people who get CJD and only cattle get mad cow disease. | ||
| Okay, so it's a similar because it's a prion disease, but it's not. | ||
| So if that's not mad cow disease, we can catch their prion disease too, right? | ||
| So people definitely get a prion disease from eating people. | ||
| And they definitely get a prion disease from eating cows that ate cows. | ||
| That's what they're trying to say? | ||
| But they're not the same. | ||
| It's a different disease. | ||
| I think when mad cow disease came out, we didn't know what the human variant was. | ||
| And I think it was just like, because they're similar, they're like, oh, it's mad cow disease. | ||
| But in reality, only cattle can get mad cow disease. | ||
| Right, so we're getting a similar disease from... | ||
| It's basically the rule, don't eat your own. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just nature being like... | ||
| And don't eat what ate its own. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't eat other things that eat their own. | ||
| Copy of a copy? | ||
| I mean, that's probably one of the reasons why no... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, rats are just not considered delicious. | |
| I left that rat, dead rat dude, for one evening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was gone. | ||
| And they were like... | ||
| There was like feet left in the tail. | ||
| Also... | ||
| And they ate everything. | ||
| The one rat that was like, dude, I heard fucking Mark died in that garage. | ||
| Let's go eat him. | ||
| Fuck Mark. | ||
| He always wanted to eat his fucking eyeball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fat ass. | |
| He was a fat fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fat fuck. | |
| Always got the first garbage. | ||
| Well, yeah, you wanted to be first, Mark. | ||
| Now we're all going to eat you, you stupid dead fuck. | ||
| Dude, coming back out and seeing that, like seeing nature work, almost like those old school time-lapse videos where you watch the skull deteriorate and then like the grass grow around and shit. | ||
| Do it in a day where you come out and you're like, oh shit, it's gone. | ||
| I think it would be a buzz. | ||
| I bet if you put cameras out there and got a slow, it would be just like 10 rats at the same time just eating them alive. | ||
| Richard Kuklinski, the Iceman, That serial killer. | ||
| He would go to Bucks County, Pennsylvania and he found this cave with rats and he would put a fucking video camera and watch people get eaten. | ||
| He would just put them in there alive and come back a week later, nothing. | ||
| Nothing in that book by Philip Carlo the Iceman they talk about how this motherfucker Kuklinski would watch those videos eating sandwiches and shit like that's how cold he was he was like yeah, I'll watch this shit Dude, I got it. | ||
| That was a weird phase when you're single and you're explaining to women why you read about Richard Kuklinski so much I'm cool. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| His interviews are chilling. | ||
| That one was at HBO. Yeah, it's called yeah, it's like a confessions of something the The Iceman or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, there's one where the last two or three are done by a female psychologist. | ||
| The first one's this guy who's trying to goad him at one point. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And he goes, just real quietly, he goes, you see that? | ||
| You just made me mad. | ||
| And it's one of those things where you're like, get the fuck out of the room, dude. | ||
| Get the fuck out of the room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| The stories in that Philip Carlo book are fucking insane about how he would be like, you know, the Gambino family would... | ||
| Order a hit in Florida and they're like put some pizzazz on it and he would feed the guy to a shark or some shit like real crazy shit You know Saddam Hussein's sons would rape women and feed them to their dogs. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, how do you do that post nut? | ||
| Tell you that mean post nut how much how do you got that much fucking vinegar in you? | ||
| I heard horrible stories Yeah. | ||
| The two sons were apparently like... | ||
| Uday and... | ||
| Kusei. | ||
| Like full-on serial killers. | ||
| Game of Thrones-style serial killers. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I know you used to torture the Iraqi soccer team. | ||
| They would, like, electrocute their nipples when they fucking do them. | ||
| Which is already, there's so much pressure on the game. | ||
| But those two sons, see, I think there was a document, or a film, about those two sons. | ||
| Isn't there? | ||
| Was there a Uday and Kuse film? | ||
| They were supposedly some evil, evil motherfuckers. | ||
| Well, good news, coming to ABC, it's two brothers. | ||
| Just trying to sitcom it. | ||
| Two brothers that do whatever the hell they want. | ||
| Could you imagine if your dad was Saddam Hussein? | ||
| The devil's double, is what it's called. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you put it up? | |
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| Is that a fictional or is it a documentary? | ||
| Dude, that is... | ||
| I can't believe this is a fictional movie. | ||
| Or just being cousins with them. | ||
| They're coming over for dinner. | ||
| I hope he doesn't kill me. | ||
| You're like, oh, fuck, dude. | ||
| How'd the national team do? | ||
| Remember that guy in Devil's Double? | ||
| Fact-based drama. | ||
| Iraqi Lieutenant Yahya is forcibly drafted into being a body double for Uday Hussein, Saddam Hussein's depraved elder son. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| When did that come out? | ||
| Last year? | ||
| 2011. Oh, really? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I remember hearing about that. | ||
| But dude, I would love... | ||
| That's like Uday Hussain's like a guy where you're like, I'll do a deep dive. | ||
| I'm gonna learn about your crazy ass. | ||
| Pull up an article on how evil they were. | ||
| See if you can find something. | ||
| It was... | ||
| Terrifying shit, man. | ||
| Oh, by the way, those Donner Party stats. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| Uday, career of rape, torture, and murder. | ||
| Just to fact check myself, those Donner Party stats. | ||
| I don't know if that's true about the murders, but it felt right. | ||
| I just want to let you know. | ||
| I was looking stuff up about it. | ||
| I do that all the time. | ||
| There's a lot of info. | ||
| I just toss it out. | ||
| Nate always calls me on it. | ||
| He's like, is that a Souter fact? | ||
| These guys, if you're Uday Hussain and your dad is Saddam just running shit, you're gonna feel very empowered to be a fucking psycho. | ||
| Look at this, hold on. | ||
| Search for public appropriation appears to have taken over in the mid-1980s when Uday first took... | ||
| A close interest in the sport. | ||
| Footballers say he never really understood or showed much interest in the game itself, but was desperate enough for a win that he would phone up the dressing room during halftime to threaten to cut off players' legs and throw them to ravenous dogs. | ||
| Just in between it and they go, hey, uh... | ||
| Uday's on the phone for you, and you're like, hello? | ||
| I'll cut your fucking legs off. | ||
| And feed them to ravenous dogs. | ||
| As football overseer, Uday kept a private torture scorecard with written instructions on how many times each player should be beaten on the soles of his feet after a particularly poor showing. | ||
| He also carried a grudge. | ||
| Once you came to Uday's notice, he never left you alone. | ||
| The only time I managed to get away from his eyes was when I went outside Iraq. | ||
| Star performer Habib Jafar told The Guardian last April. | ||
| Fuck dude. | ||
| Damn dude, read that next one. | ||
| Oh, Uday's excess is carried over into his private life where he had a reputation for ordering any girl or woman who caught his eye to be brought to his private pleasure dome. | ||
| Pleasure dome, dude. | ||
| Which sounds so fun to get invited to. | ||
| If you're like, dude, do you want to come to my pleasure dome? | ||
| You're like, yeah, absolutely. | ||
| And he's like, it's not good. | ||
| It's Uday Hussain's pleasure dome. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| In 1988, he bludgeoned to death his father's bodyguard in front of horrified partygoers. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He also shot one of his uncles in the leg. | ||
| The murder shootings and other erratic behavior put him in permanent disfavor with Saddam. | ||
| He was briefly exiled to Switzerland, and when he was allowed to return to Iraq, he was never again deemed suitable for succession. | ||
| Damn, he got cut off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Which means, you know how much fucked up shit you gotta do for Saddam Hussein? | ||
| Scroll back to what we were looking at before, like a little bit before that. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| You know how much fucked up shit you gotta do for Saddam Hussein to be like this? | ||
| That's too much. | ||
| I'm gassing Kurds, but this is too much. | ||
| What a scary person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To have your father be a dictator and you're a murderous psychopath. | ||
| And you're a problem for him? | ||
| Your dad's a murderous dictator and you're the problem? | ||
| You're the problem. | ||
| He changed you to Switzerland. | ||
| Go be neutral. | ||
| It's in his Switzerland. | ||
| See how they do it. | ||
| Do it like that. | ||
| It's like that Ben Affleck meme where he's smoking. | ||
| He's just outside. | ||
| He's like, Uday, I gotta fucking get rid of him. | ||
| This kid's nuts. | ||
| Can you imagine Switzerland? | ||
| Where, you know, they're not known for being violent at all. | ||
| And all of a sudden, that dude fucking moves in? | ||
| Yeah, you're putting one of those fucking attack dogs at a poodle school. | ||
| You're like, damn, dude. | ||
| Also, him being your neighbor. | ||
| He's like, Uday? | ||
| You're like, Uday Hussein? | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| And you're like, fuck, dude. | ||
| I would invite you over to watch soccer, but... | ||
| I felt like when you read stories of ancient kings and dynasties and their sons and the evil princes, it's almost like that's the pattern that always happens. | ||
| The sons of dictators are ruthless. | ||
| I always think that with mafia kids, a lot of mafia kids. | ||
| They're born into it. | ||
| But you got a guy that makes his way from Sicily or up in Brooklyn and makes a made man and he's making it and then they have those kids that are just like, they saw the power their dad had so they didn't have the beginning part. | ||
| So then they're like, I got the power, you fucking respect me. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, but your dad went up the ranks. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's just powerful people with their kids. | ||
| I'm so glad I wasn't the son of a powerful man. | ||
| What a burden. | ||
| I was a son of a very fun drunk. | ||
| That's where clowns are made. | ||
| If you were the son of a scary, forceful guy, the problem is people resist that shit. | ||
| They don't want that. | ||
| They don't want that. | ||
| They want to be their own man They don't want to be they don't want to go into your line of business and take over the family business and fuck man That's like how many stories are about that where the man has got to get away from his dad I don't want to do the business. | ||
| I'm forced to do the business It's always always always a storyline where it's like I'll go back to running my dad's factory and fucking whatever because it ain't your dream It's not your dream and sometimes dads want it to be your dream whenever I see comedians Like, children of comedians get into it? | ||
| Or athletes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, the athletes. | ||
| Ken Griffey Jr. is so good at baseball that he was better than his dad. | ||
| Do you know how fucking crazy... | ||
| They played on the same team. | ||
| You gotta be so good at something to be like, I'm gonna go on my dad's field and I'm gonna be better. | ||
| Like, Kobe Bryant's dad, Steph Curry, these all... | ||
| Guys of great NBA players, and then they go and they're like, watch this. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather, his dad, fought Sugar Ray Leonard. | ||
| He was fucking awesome. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather Jr. was awesome. | ||
| Yeah, you forget that he's a junior. | ||
| And he's the greatest fighter, possibly greatest boxer of all time. | ||
| In my book. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, watching him roll that shoulder and just absolutely destroy people. | ||
| If you just look at boxing in terms of how often you get hit versus how often you hit the other guy, he's the best ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's the son of... | ||
| So it is... | ||
| It's not a sweeping rule of if you're the son of someone, you're going to suck. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| But if you're good, you're going to be fucking great. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because you've got that extra pressure that ends up getting behind you and pushing you. | ||
| The way him and his uncle and his father talk, I imagine... | ||
| That they were always super competitive from the time they were young. | ||
| He grew up being super... | ||
| They're super competitive. | ||
| They're competitive about talking shit. | ||
| They're competitive about all kinds of things. | ||
| So it's like that hive growing up with that all the time and the boxing skill. | ||
| Puts you in a place where you're down on the cards in a fight. | ||
| Who's that guy from Argentina that he fought? | ||
| Mardano? | ||
| Mardano. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you watch that fight, he's up on the cards early, and you watch Mayweather breathe it out and just refocus, and you're like, that's what you get from growing up around all that shit. | ||
| You can focus in and... | ||
| But he always has an amazing card. | ||
| Mardano cracked him. | ||
| He caught him. | ||
| He was one of the few guys that actually hit Floyd in his career. | ||
| It was like Sugastrain and Mosley hit him once pretty good and Maidana hit him once and it was the end of a round and he clipped him and Floyd wobbled a little and the round was over. | ||
| But it was like whoa like that dude could hit. | ||
| And then he just came back and walked him down. | ||
| Yeah and then the second fight they had was even better. | ||
| The second fight they had it was a shutout. | ||
| He's like I know exactly what you do. | ||
| And this time I'm ready for it and I'm still mad that you hit me. | ||
| Can you imagine having the best guy mad at you for hitting you and you're like, I don't know, I have to. | ||
| Floyd is just the best technician ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His technique, it's flawless. | ||
| His movement, his understanding of distance. | ||
| One of the funniest things that he ever did was he fought this, there's this guy who, Tenshin, who is a, he's a huge star in Japan in martial arts, kickboxing and stuff like that, but he's a smaller guy. | ||
| But he's like a very exciting young prospect. | ||
| And they paid Floyd to box him. | ||
| This guy fights at like maybe 130 pounds. | ||
| He's a small guy. | ||
| Yeah, so he's smaller than Floyd. | ||
| Yeah, he's a lot smaller than Floyd. | ||
| I mean, I want to say he maybe fights 136. I'm not sure. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| He's not very big. | ||
| Just a fucking squirrely guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But Floyd's way bigger than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Floyd didn't even look like he worked out at all. | ||
| He walked in there with a big smile on his face. | ||
| He didn't particularly look fit. | ||
| He didn't look ripped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he just beat the fuck out of this dude. | ||
| He beat the fuck out of this dude so bad that people thought it was a fixed fight. | ||
| They were calling me up. | ||
| Dude, you gotta see this fixed fight. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather was involved in a fixed fight. | ||
| And I watched it and I go, that's not fixed. | ||
| That's what happened to you, bitch. | ||
| If Floyd hit you, you would go down like that. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I mean, but when you get whooped by someone not in shape, the excuses out of your mouth on the walk back, you're like, yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| It must have been something I ate. | ||
| I don't think Floyd ever gets out of shape. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But he wasn't shredded. | ||
| He wasn't like, look at him here. | ||
| He just walked him down like it was nothing. | ||
| Actually, he looks pretty fit there. | ||
| He looks pretty fit. | ||
| I'll take it back. | ||
| Maybe it was in my mind. | ||
| I decided that he looked smooth. | ||
| But he, I mean, when you watch... | ||
| Look at him smiling. | ||
| When you watched all those 24-7 Documentaries he was his thing was like he always just loved to go to the gym. | ||
| Yeah, dude I mean he's not as ripped as he's been in other fights, but he still looks pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, but the point is like he's so relaxed dude He's so much better than this guy if by the way if tension could kick him. | ||
| Yeah, he'd be fucked and I'm being 100% fucked. | ||
| Would they ever do that fight? | ||
| No. | ||
| Tension would fuck him up. | ||
| Like, listen to me, 100% he would fuck him up. | ||
| See where Floyd's leg is right there? | ||
| 100% Tension would fuck that leg up. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And then you could only take a few of those. | ||
| Like, look, okay, just boxing, Floyd has let him survive for a minute, right? | ||
| And if this was kickboxing and Tension could kick his legs, This fight would be in grave danger of being stopped because Floyd would be fucked. | ||
| His legs would be falling apart and this dude would be chopping at him. | ||
| And look at this. | ||
| So that was the one. | ||
| They said, dude, that's fake. | ||
| That's fake. | ||
| I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| That's one of the greatest boxers the world has ever known against a guy who's like 15 pounds, 20 pounds lighter than him. | ||
| Just looking around like, fuck. | ||
| And he's a young kid. | ||
| I think at this time he was in his, I want to say he was in his early 20s. | ||
| When you have fights like that, like the original UFC's... | ||
| Look at him fire back, though. | ||
| The kid's a prodigy in kickboxing. | ||
| He's getting rocked on the side. | ||
| My worry was that this defeat was so crushing, the way it happened, was so absolute, the way Floyd just sort of walked him down with his... | ||
| He didn't even try to not get hit. | ||
| He just had no respect for him. | ||
| Anybody that thinks that's not real is out of their fucking mind. | ||
| But I got a lot of people calling me. | ||
| A lot of people go, bro, you gotta see it's a fixed fight. | ||
| Dude, the one that lands that puts him down, you're like, hell, fuck, dude, please stay down. | ||
| Look, it's still going on. | ||
| He's like, Jesus, what did I sign up for? | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| He knocks him down three times. | ||
| So Floyd's just walking him down. | ||
| I mean, he's not even using any of his boxing. | ||
| He's got his hands up, and he's just looking for openings to crack him, and then he cracks him again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| I think that's it. | ||
| I think it's a three-knockdown thing. | ||
| But there's no, I mean, obviously not Floyd Mayweather, but there's no way they would do that, right? | ||
| With kickboxing? | ||
| No, Floyd wouldn't do that. | ||
| Floyd would have to be broke. | ||
| He'd have to be broke and they'd have to pull up the Brinks truck, but it's not good. | ||
| It wouldn't be good. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Just because it changes, it adds a whole different element. | ||
| Changes everything. | ||
| Changes everything. | ||
| Now what about if you added like a kickboxer wrestler, like with the first UFC? It depends on what kind of puncher you're talking about. | ||
| So like if Mike Tyson fought a kickboxer, You still would bet on Mike Tyson in his prime, because Mike Tyson would close the distance and smash that guy with one or two punches so quick that the leg kicks wouldn't matter. | ||
| He would just be on you, and before you knew it, it was a swarm of knuckles, and you're fucked. | ||
| But Floyd is a technician. | ||
| Floyd's not like a one-punch, just smash-everybody guy. | ||
| He finds his spots, picks you apart, and fucks you up. | ||
| That takes time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This guy set it up. | ||
| And when a guy's kicking your legs, you don't have any time. | ||
| You have no time. | ||
| So the only guys who I think, like Shannon Briggs, he fought Tom Erickson in a kickboxing fight, and Tom Erickson kicked his legs. | ||
| But Tom Erickson was more of an MMA fighter. | ||
| He was really a really good wrestler, a big giant wrestler. | ||
| But Shannon Briggs starches people with one punch. | ||
| It's a very particular kind of power you have to have to get in there with a kickboxer, I think. | ||
| Because the danger of just getting your legs removed, it's too hard. | ||
| If you're not used to it, you have to train for a long time to accept and check them, and also you have to condition your legs to be able to get beaten up like that. | ||
| Yeah, don't they roll out the nerves and stuff in their shins and stuff to be able to get kicked? | ||
| No, they just kick things. | ||
| They just kick things? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck, just go kick stuff. | ||
| I mean, over time, it definitely gets harder just from clashing shins and hitting elbows and hitting knees. | ||
| What happens is you get these micro-fractures all over the tops of your shins from colliding with things. | ||
| It's like having cauliflower ear, but all over your shin. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| I think for me, the biggest thing would probably be to stop saying, ow. | ||
| I think they just get numb, but they still break their shins. | ||
| Like, world-class kickboxers still break their fucking shins. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And fall down with their leg, like, dangling. | ||
| Yeah, man, like that Anderson Silva water. | ||
| Yeah, that's a perfect example. | ||
| Anderson Silva is an elite striker, and he still cracked his fucking leg in half. | ||
| Tyrone Spong. | ||
| There was this guy, Gokhan Saki, and Tyrone Spong fought, and Tyrone Spong was top of the food chain kickboxer. | ||
| And he threw this leg kick, and Gokhan checked it, and his leg just went stiff. | ||
| Chris Weidman, right? | ||
| Yeah, Chris Weidman. | ||
| I remember that one recently. | ||
| World champion MMA fighter still broke his fucking shin. | ||
| I mean, don't think his shins are conditioned? | ||
| They're conditioned as fuck. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| It's still bone, you know? | ||
| These couch warriors are like, fucking broke his leg. | ||
| Fucking pussy. | ||
| Now you should drink more milk, bro. | ||
| Dude, milk is delicious. | ||
| Drink more milk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Drink more milk and apparently... | ||
| Just get your fucking leg broken, dude. | ||
| That's got to be insane to have your leg snap like that. | ||
| Have it wrap around. | ||
| Conor McGregor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Conor had a fucked up leg going into that fight, it turns out. | ||
| They think he had a stress fracture on that before, you know, he even threw the first kick in the fight. | ||
| And it just breaks. | ||
| It just snapped off. | ||
| I mean, because there was no, like, big moment where it looked like, oh, that makes sense that that would break a leg. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was no moment like that. | ||
| Just a small check. | ||
| Like, the Weidman fight was, like, super clear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Uriah Hall checks it, and the thing just snapped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, dude. | |
| It looked like a fucking Stretch Armstrong arm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Where it wrapped around. | ||
| See, Chris Weidman's move was, if I just full power leg kick you in the calf with the first kick, you're fucked. | ||
| Like, you're gonna be fucked, and then I'm gonna jump on you. | ||
| And Uriah Hall's a skillful striker. | ||
| He just knew how to check it. | ||
| He just checked it. | ||
| That was a tough one. | ||
| That's one of the ones where I remember, like, you know, I do shows on Saturdays. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's watch that. | |
| Let's watch it again. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Chris Weidman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I almost... | |
| Because it's a cautionary tale. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| It's a cautionary tale of this. | ||
| You don't play fighting. | ||
| That's the best way to describe it. | ||
| Anderson Silva, when he broke it on Chris Weidman, it was the same night as a Rousey fight, and I was coming back from the road, so I DVR'd the fucking event, and I was very excited to watch that. | ||
| Let's hold this thought. | ||
| Let's tell this story when we come back, because I've got to take a piss. | ||
| I've been holding it in for the last 10 minutes. | ||
| I'm going to take a piss, too. | ||
| All right, we'll take a piss. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| You're going to talk about Anderson Silva breaking his leg against Chris Weidman. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| And we're back. | ||
| Well, I just want to thank you, as someone that's listened to your podcast, for finally answering the question if you take piss breaks or not. | ||
| Yes, we take piss breaks. | ||
| Yeah, if you have to. | ||
| I always tell everybody, just say it, it's no big deal. | ||
| I wonder, how many guests do you think you've had that people have to piss, but they're just like... | ||
| A lot. | ||
| A lot that are like... | ||
| I see them squirming. | ||
| I start to see them squirming. | ||
| You can see it in their eyes. | ||
| Yeah, they're trying to keep it together, but they're getting distracted. | ||
| Say it, motherfucker. | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| I should probably tell more people, if you have to pee, just say it, it's no big deal. | ||
| Yeah, I think you gotta lead it. | ||
| Dude, you were like, I gotta piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, fuck yes. | |
| Yeah, it was getting to the point where I couldn't concentrate. | ||
| I was like squeezing my testicles, area, whatever I have down there. | ||
| Fucking shut the tube. | ||
| Whatever that pipe is. | ||
| Shut the fucking tube. | ||
| I was like, Jesus Christ, this is getting rough. | ||
| This is the Chris Weidman one. | ||
| This is the Weidman break, but before the Weidman break, Anderson Silva, when he broke it on Weidman, I had it DVR'd, and I came home, and my fucking roommate was having a party. | ||
| He didn't tell me that was going to happen. | ||
| Our other roommate, our third roommate, who's not a comic. | ||
| And I was coming back from the road, so I was tired. | ||
| And I was like, dude, I don't want this party. | ||
| And so he wasn't even fucking there. | ||
| His friends were there. | ||
| And so I kicked everyone out. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| His friends were partying at your house? | ||
| Yes, and he had left to go meet a girl. | ||
| This is like 2012, 2011. And I'm like, dude, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| How many people? | ||
| Ten. | ||
| Just hanging around at your house? | ||
| Dude, and I came back from here. | ||
| And then none of them lived there but you? | ||
| No. | ||
| And my spider sense went off. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| I was at the fucking baggage claim and I was like this. | ||
| What if he has a party? | ||
| And you know that thing where you get yourself mad? | ||
| Where you're like, I know exactly what I'd do. | ||
| And then you come home and there's a really party. | ||
| And I look and I go, where is he? | ||
| Where's Pete? | ||
| And they're like, he's not here. | ||
| He went to meet up with a girl. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| So you came home to a party that was going on without Pete? | ||
| Yeah, he had left, and he had gone to meet up, and there was people, it was his friends. | ||
| A couple of them I had met, but most of them I didn't know. | ||
| So I'm like, hey, dude, his friend that I knew saw my face. | ||
| I put my luggage, I put my suitcase in my room, and he's like, hey, everybody. | ||
| He was cool. | ||
| He got everyone out. | ||
| I had to take a walk. | ||
| I was so fucking, I've never taken a walk, because I'm so mad. | ||
| So, Get high. | ||
| Get food. | ||
| Put on the pay-per-view. | ||
| Watch all the fights. | ||
| Pete comes home at the start of the Weidman-Anderson Silva fight and we start fucking screaming at each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| You having a fucking party here? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Anderson Silva's legs break. | ||
| We both go... | ||
| Oh! | ||
| It was on the DVD. We were both like two dice clays. | ||
| Like, oh! | ||
| Stop the fight. | ||
| We both sat down. | ||
| We were like, what the fuck? | ||
| And then it's one of those things where you know how guys just are like, all right, don't do that again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You bonded? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We were like, holy shit. | ||
| But we were like, fuck you, dude. | ||
| I was like, you're not allowed to have friends over anymore. | ||
| Like, I'm his fucking dad. | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
| He's like, fuck you. | ||
| We were like yelling at each other in that break. | ||
| I was like, oh shit. | ||
| That's a weird one, though, when you have roommates and you come home and there's a gang of people in your house. | ||
| Like, ugh. | ||
| Yeah, especially because I hadn't quit drinking yet, so it's much more forgiving when you drink, because you're like, hey, party! | ||
| When did you quit? | ||
| 2013. Oh. | ||
| I quit. | ||
| Joe List, Nate and I, that was our running, that was our drinking crew. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| And Joe, we all quit. | ||
| All of us are done. | ||
| Norman's the last of the Mohicans. | ||
| Norman's the last one from our group that's filled boozes. | ||
| He likes to get drunk. | ||
| He likes it. | ||
| He likes his booze. | ||
| He likes to party. | ||
| Yeah, Norman's fun. | ||
| We used to... | ||
| But List quit. | ||
| And then he was the first person I ever met that quit drinking booze and was like, it's fucking awesome. | ||
| Everyone else was white knuckling it. | ||
| Gotta work the program. | ||
| You gotta do this and this. | ||
| List was my first friend that's like, you're gonna get better at comedy? | ||
| You're gonna like life better. | ||
| That's what we were talking about that, but we didn't finish earlier. | ||
| We were talking about a tell so tell Did insomniac and you know, he was always partying always drinking. | ||
| Yeah and So I'm in LA at the improv one night. | ||
| He was hammered and he was looking for an after-hour spot and then then it was like very soon after that they decided to sober up and And then I saw him maybe a year later. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god. | ||
| His act is so tight and sharp. | ||
| And I'm like, he's still more dedicated to stand-up now. | ||
| He's got more time. | ||
| He's not feeling like shit all the time. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I started recently, I want to say since COVID, I used to smoke weed before every set. | ||
| Like before headlining sets, in between shows, go smoke a joint. | ||
| Stop doing that when I'm headlining. | ||
| And it almost was the same benefit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I could think. | ||
| I like getting high during 15 minute sets in the city. | ||
| If I'm at the cellar. | ||
| Right, for fun. | ||
| Yeah, smoke a bowl. | ||
| Try this bit. | ||
| I'm gonna try this out. | ||
| Let's play around. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But like now I'm getting to the point where I want people that come out to have a great show. | ||
| So I want to be the best, you know, and I want to do really well. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's like if I stopped smoking weed and it became better shows and more fun after the show to be like, after that late show, you're like... | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I smoke a spliff. | ||
| Your 15-minute sets, you fuck around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so you feel like in a 15-minute set, maybe the marijuana helps you a little bit? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I loosen up. | ||
| You know, Big Jay will always say he makes references he normally wouldn't make when he's high. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| Because you're feeling it. | ||
| You're kind of feeling it in a different way. | ||
| Well, your brain's tuned into a different thing. | ||
| But it's so interesting to me how differently it affects people. | ||
| Just the way they talk about it. | ||
| Some people get super lazy on it. | ||
| Some people get super motivated. | ||
| They start thinking, oh my god, what am I doing with my life? | ||
| And they start getting weirded out by that. | ||
| That's always kind of what it's been for me where I get high. | ||
| I mean, I'm great at being lazy. | ||
| But I also... | ||
| I'll get high and then immediately be like, alright, I gotta get better jokes. | ||
| It just goes to the default programming where I'm like, I have to fucking write better jokes. | ||
| No matter the show, I'll like three of the jokes and then four of the bits I'll be like, what the fuck? | ||
| It's time to get going. | ||
| Yeah, time to get going. | ||
| And when you're around people like, you know, Shane and Big J and fucking Sam Marill and Mark Norman, you're seeing these people do jokes that you're like, or List. | ||
| List will come out with like 10 minutes, I'm like, fucking, let's go. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| Or go watch Colin in a tell. | ||
| It's like, that's good, that motivation. | ||
| But weed, for me, adds the extra, like, remember, You gotta write better jokes. | ||
| Well, it's so much better than the things that make you confident. | ||
| The things that make you confident are dangerous. | ||
| Or booze, and you get Mike Tyson punching on you on a JetBlue flight. | ||
| That guy's probably on a bunch of shit. | ||
| The guy who Mike Tyson punched, apparently, according to the New York Post, Has a lengthy criminal history. | ||
| Well, in that case, if he's had a lot of fuck-ups and he's a bad person or whatever, he's going to go to jail, at least he got to get his ass kicked by a famous person. | ||
| If you find yourself or Mike Tyson's reaching over the back of an airline seat and punching you in the face, I think you probably earned it. | ||
| I think he probably earned it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think he... | ||
| Did you climb into a lion's... | ||
| I don't think it was for kicking his chair, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I don't think it was... | ||
| He said fucking... | ||
| The guy was super annoying, man. | ||
| Yeah, and he was like over the thing. | ||
| You just can't... | ||
| Yeah, it's like people get crazy. | ||
| They think that just because he's, you know, he's Mike Tyson, he's famous, he can't just punch you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're annoying him. | ||
| He's gonna just fucking hit you like a normal person would. | ||
| You know hecklers do that though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| They'll be talking and you're like, hey, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can't talk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They didn't bring you down here. | ||
| They didn't put you up at the fucking extended stay. | ||
| They're not amplifying you and stop. | ||
| Stop talking. | ||
| That's why booze, when people are like, when I have friends, they're like, I'm coming to your show, dude. | ||
| We're going to the bar first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Don't! | ||
| Don't! | ||
| Who wants to get drunk and sit silently in a dark room? | ||
| No one. | ||
| You wanna get drunk and go pay attention? | ||
| Not only that, like, if there's a guy who thinks he might be funny, that's the time. | ||
| They all think they're funny. | ||
| Yeah, they wanna... | ||
| I don't know what to say! | ||
| I gotcha! | ||
| And then, you know, the classic after the show, I helped. | ||
| And you're like, man. | ||
| I helped. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder if that guy was like, I helped that flight. | ||
| That guy that got beat up? | ||
| I was helping that flight. | ||
| I made it entertaining for everyone. | ||
| Did you see the lady that got duct tape on a flight? | ||
| Great. | ||
| They duct taped her face. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| That's wild, man. | ||
| Yeah, they run a frat in the sky. | ||
| What do you have to do to get your face duct taped? | ||
| You gotta be saying some crazy shit where they're like, dude, fucking duct tape her. | ||
| What is she doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucking, I did it like the Sopranos. | |
| It's just like takes. | ||
| Hot takes. | ||
| I'll say it right now. | ||
| Bryan Cranston wasn't that great in Breaking Bad. | ||
| Everyone's like... | ||
| Yeah, you've got to be an obnoxious asshole to get duct taped. | ||
| I want to know what they said she said. | ||
| Yeah, anybody out there... | ||
| Did they duct tape your mouth? | ||
| If you hear that, please reach out to us. | ||
| Tell us. | ||
| Am I imagining that they duct taped her mouth? | ||
| Or did they really duct tape her mouth? | ||
| Yeah, they got it. | ||
| Yeah, they fucking duct taped her mouth. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Did she sue? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think she's in trouble. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| She got fined $82,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Woman duct taped aboard American Airlines flight faces record $82,000. | ||
| AA fine. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She tried to go for the door, dude. | ||
| So the FAA is going to fine her, but does that... | ||
| Is that for sure? | ||
| The woman assaulted and bit a flight attendant after she attempted to open the forward boarding door. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're restrained for the safety and the security of other customers in our crew. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Someone going for the door. | ||
| So she bit somebody. | ||
| That's why they did her mouth. | ||
| She could be heard screaming, you, you, you, at passengers, filing past her as flight attendants calmly nodded their goodbyes. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So she's screaming at them while they're walking by. | ||
| Oh, it wasn't in the air, though. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Oh, it wasn't? | ||
| No, I think they were grounded. | ||
| Oh, they were on the way to fly? | ||
| Which almost is like... | ||
| So before they even got in the air? | ||
| If they were grounded and they duct taped her, you're a fucking asshole! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They duct taped her when she was on the ground. | |
| That's the best part. | ||
| They should lead with that. | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| Agency said she attempted to hug and kiss another passenger, tried to exit the plane mid-flight. | ||
| Oh, she was in the flight. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| She was on the flight. | ||
| All right, never mind. | ||
| So tried to exit the plane mid-flight and bit another flyer multiple times before the crew restrained her. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| What? | ||
| Is it a different lady? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it a different lady? | ||
| Against a woman that says, I propose to find the second largest ever against a woman on a Delta flight. | ||
| Okay, so it's a different flight. | ||
| So duct tape lady wasn't the lady from Las Vegas to Atlanta. | ||
| Okay, so this is a second flight. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So this one, this is only 2021. She's biting people. | ||
| We're setting new records. | ||
| There's another story where there is like the duct taping. | ||
| It's been happening to multiple people. | ||
| There's a mail that happened to. | ||
| He was talking shit like my parents. | ||
| What, they just duct tape people now? | ||
| Yeah, dude, and then you're in Sigma Chi. | ||
| That's how it happens. | ||
| So, what did they do to the lady? | ||
| If that was the lady that was on the ground that got duct taped like that, so if the other story was another person that bit a bunch of people, what did this lady do that they didn't just remove her from the plane? | ||
| They just said, no, bitch, you're staying here. | ||
| Yeah, you're gonna fucking fly. | ||
| If it's on the ground, that sounds so insane. | ||
| You just pop the door open and get her the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah, you open the door, you call the cops, they get her out. | ||
| They duct taped her. | ||
| We have to fly this lady here. | ||
| That makes no sense. | ||
| Is that, are we right here? | ||
| Yeah, she was saying, yeah, she was, I think she was just fucking crazy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Can you use that excuse anymore? | ||
| Was she just fucking crazy? | ||
| Well, there's levels to that, okay, and don't be ableist, Dan Sawyer. | ||
| I'm sorry, I'm sorry, shades of crazy. | ||
| Duct taped, video shows woman duct taped a seat after trying to open airplane door. | ||
| And apparently, this is great, I love the post covering their ass, an apparently unhinged woman, You know, she's just, apparently. | ||
| That's a cute thing. | ||
| Dude, she's fucking taped to a chair. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| As everyone's getting off. | ||
| Would you keep filming her? | ||
| Like, would you sit right in front of her and try to go to her like you would a zombie? | ||
| Like, if you saw a zombie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there was a zombie that was chained up in someone's basement. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'd be like, holy shit, it's a real zombie. | ||
| I'd be like, you know what, bitch? | ||
| What? | ||
| I'd want to see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Showing those dead teeth. | ||
| If I knew the zombie could not break free, you sure he can't break free? | ||
| I might get close to him. | ||
| I'd be like, fuck you, bitch. | ||
| Eat it. | ||
| Yeah, I might be thinking. | ||
| You want brains? | ||
| You want brains? | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| You should hate brains, motherfucker. | ||
| You wouldn't be here right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop being in the fucking head. | |
| I've seen this show. | ||
| They're like, here, they give you a Louisville. | ||
| They're like, take a swing at him. | ||
| You hit him in the leg. | ||
| So if you were on this flight, would you just put the camera in front of her and not say anything? | ||
| I would honestly think of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you! | |
| I would think of something fun to say. | ||
| I would want a good parting... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, you know what I mean? | ||
| It seems like you'd want to focus on her for a few seconds. | ||
| According to this person, here's the scene. | ||
| It sounds kind of crazy. | ||
| Two-hour flight July 6th from Dallas-Fort Worth to Charlotte, North Carolina had been delayed for at least three hours before it finally departed at midnight, but about an hour into the trip, chaos broke out. | ||
| This woman said that in a subsequent video describing the hectic scene, flight attendants began turning on the lights around 1.30 a.m., she said, and we see all flight attendants running up and down the aisles frantically, kind of like whispering to each other. | ||
| The plane's crew began locking bathrooms, grabbing bags from overhead bins and wouldn't say what was happening. | ||
| It was just kind of like chaos, and no one knows what's going on, she continued. | ||
| Finally, the pilot spoke over the intercom, asking people to stay in their seats, referencing to a bad situation in the plane right now, according to the passenger. | ||
| Then we're gradually starting to hear more and more screaming, and we're like, wait a minute, she noted. | ||
| Just as the plane was about to land, a flight attendant who sat near them explained that a woman with an apparent mental issue had an outburst like had the urge to get off the plane and she was saying, I need to get off this plane and she went up to the exits and started banging on the doors saying, you need to let me off this plane! | ||
| I guess it took five flight attendants to subdue her and like literally take her down. | ||
| So she said of the incident, which was first reported by TMC, they pretty much took her down, put her in the seat and duct taped her. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Dude, if you're... | ||
| What they don't talk about is the first guy that noticed... | ||
| Because she's not telling people what she's doing. | ||
| She just runs up to the door. | ||
| Someone's got to notice it. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And you're just reading your magazine and you're like... | ||
| Has anybody ever opened up one of those doors? | ||
| I don't know that's a I mean That's gonna suck everyone out right that would just be a I wonder how easy it is to do Probably not that easy because they always talk about the weight of the door and you got the pressure of being in the sky I wonder if you can open it while the plane is moving like I wonder if there's some fail safes well I hate going with the impossibility and being like, you can't do it, but it's physically impossible to open a door mid-flight. | ||
| Well, what if you're like Thor? | ||
| Thor Bjornsson. | ||
| What if you're a son of Odin? | ||
| What if you're like Eddie Hall, like one of those gigantic powerlifter strongman dudes? | ||
| At cruising altitude, I should say. | ||
| Okay, so up at like 30,000 feet. | ||
| Impossible? | ||
| That's... | ||
| According to this, Business Insider, which, you know, best source for this information. | ||
| Airplane doors are impossible to open at cruising altitude, which is about 36,000 feet. | ||
| Pressurization mimic conditions at 8,000 feet above sea level to keep passengers alive. | ||
| Imagine having the balls to know that this person you're traveling with is completely insane. | ||
| Maybe you're dating this lady. | ||
| And she's like, I've got to get off this plane. | ||
| I've got to get off this plane! | ||
| Shut up, Rachel. | ||
| And she runs to the door. | ||
| But you know the physics? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you just go like, yeah? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You're just doing a boyfriend in an argument thing? | ||
| Are you going to leave? | ||
| You're going to open the door in the middle of the flight? | ||
| Let's address this. | ||
| Does that seem smart? | ||
| Can we talk about this? | ||
| Or are you going to try to open the door? | ||
| Do you think maybe that's selfish to the other fucking people on the plane that you just want to fly to the ground and everybody else has to... | ||
| The guy behind you going, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, don't prove nothing. | ||
| Get her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get her. | |
| Get your girl. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Don't prove nothing. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would be terrifying to witness. | ||
| Because again, you don't know how strong this bitch is. | ||
| You know how strong this lady is? | ||
| People are crazy. | ||
| They're really strong. | ||
| They rip their arms apart trying to do something. | ||
| Dude, if she did a bump of PCP before that plane took off and then it was like, I'm going to start cooking at 30,000. | ||
| My boxing coach got his finger bitten off on PCP and had it replaced with his toe. | ||
| What? | ||
| Which toe? | ||
| His second toe. | ||
| Next to the big toe. | ||
| My toes are so weird. | ||
| That became his index finger. | ||
| And he had it curved permanently so he could throw right hooks. | ||
| Wait, so his hand just looks like this? | ||
| So when you shook his hand, he had this going on. | ||
| So it was like a toe. | ||
| He never really shook his hand, but he got a finger in there. | ||
| So the toe was this part? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The toe was this part. | ||
| But it was permanently bent. | ||
| So you could pinch things with it, right? | ||
| But it was permanently bent. | ||
| It didn't straighten out. | ||
| It was like this. | ||
| But you could do most of the things you could do if you had a finger there. | ||
| But he got it bitten off in a street fight while he was on PCP. While he was on PCP? Yes. | ||
| That's why I walked away. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Okay, after the cargo door tore off in flight, caused an explosive decompression and ejecting nine people from the plane. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Damn, that was in 89? | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| There was a flight and the people just got sucked out of the plane in mid-flight. | ||
| That was a Hawaii fright, right? | ||
| Yeah, going to Honolulu. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Or near Honolulu. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so scary. | ||
| Man, that fucking... | ||
| That always scared me when I saw it in movies. | ||
| Whenever they show that, they show the person just being like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a wild way to die, bro. | |
| But also, if you're ready for it, You could do some cool poses on the way out. | ||
| You could Superman on the way out. | ||
| I think your brain would be flooded with psychedelic chemicals. | ||
| Because you would absolutely 100% know you're going to die. | ||
| There's no way you're going to survive. | ||
| And you would probably get a golden geometric pattern that opens up and takes you straight to the afterlife. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just come and shit at the same time. | ||
| Your body's like, let it all in. | ||
| And you just pass through. | ||
| And you pop on the other side on impact. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Dude, and in reality, it just looks like a jelly sandwich hit the ground, whoever's near you. | ||
| They never talk about those. | ||
| Those people that watch people land. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good. | ||
| You're just like, oh, it's coming through the air. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Yeah, it's splattering. | ||
| We were talking the other day about the squirrel suit guy who slammed into the bridge. | ||
| Did you ever see that? | ||
| No, I saw the one where he went down and just didn't get the one. | ||
| Yeah, so he just goes... | ||
| This one guy hits a bridge, and it sounds like a car accident. | ||
| Because he hits this bridge going, who knows how fast they're going, like hundreds of miles an hour maybe. | ||
| It's like, probably over a 150 pound guy. | ||
| He thought he was gonna slide through the hole in the bridge, and he just didn't calculate it right, and he couldn't turn in time. | ||
| You know, those extreme sports are awesome, but you gotta pull through in order for it to be awesome. | ||
| Oh, bro, that is crazy. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| And the screams of the people who realize what just happened. | ||
| It's like, because they came to see this guy triumphantly fly through the bridge in a squirrel suit. | ||
| And then you watch him get accordioned on a bridge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here he comes. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Just getting fucking stuffed. | ||
| Just the impact. | ||
| Yeah, that's gotta be... | ||
| That impact is so insane. | ||
| If you're standing on that bridge and you feel that... | ||
| Oh my god, you would totally feel it. | ||
| It would be like an asteroid. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It would be like a truck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Like a small, like a Pinto. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I mean, you know, obviously Pinto is much heavier than a human, but I'm saying like... | ||
| Listen to it. | ||
| I want you to listen to it. | ||
| Oh, well. | ||
| Okay, let me get that one first. | ||
| Well, we got one. | ||
| Well, this is like a guy that crashed and survived. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| You can see the point where he crashes... | ||
| Is this a parachute guy or a wingsuit guy? | ||
| Same, same. | ||
| Wingsuit? | ||
| Okay, Jesus Christ! | ||
| He's gonna survive this? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| So that's what he hits? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Impact! | |
| Oh! | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| There's someone following him, so they have to have an angle, too. | ||
| Does he pull out of it? | ||
| No. | ||
| He just tumbles to the ground? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's got a parachute. | |
| But it wasn't open. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Do they have the audio of him being like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Sun melted his wings. | ||
| Oh, that's the Icarus. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you put a deep quote on you fucking chomping it in a wingsuit. | ||
| Being a crazy person in a flying squirrel suit. | ||
| You put up that Icarus quote, right, when they see me eat grass. | ||
| Dude, that's fucking wild. | ||
| Doing those extreme shit like that. | ||
| But I was saying, if you're on that bridge and that guy hits you, I bet you get PTSD from that shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I bet you wake up in the middle of the night. | ||
| You hear that thud? | ||
| You hear that thud, I bet you're like, knowing what it is, you're like, fuck. | ||
| Bridges are weird places to die. | ||
| Because you know you're not supposed to be there anyway. | ||
| Bridges are not supposed to be a place where you stay. | ||
| It's like, eh, just getting over here. | ||
| Climbing over this fucking water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep moving. | |
| Like, imagine if you could have a house on a fucking bridge. | ||
| So here's the guy. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| Listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
*Screams* Shit! | |
| *Buff* Ooh! | ||
| *Screams* Damn. | ||
| I don't know if he's gonna be down with me. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| *Screams* Yeah, that guy hit... | ||
| Like, I thought he hit the side of the bridge. | ||
| I didn't realize he hit the fucking... | ||
| He hit whatever was on the top of the bridge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Oh, he did hit the side of the bridge! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Oh, dude! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| The sound it makes! | ||
| Yeah, and there's like a big crew there, so they knew that shit was gonna happen. | ||
| You watch that, dude. | ||
| So it looked more like he was just trying to go over it, and he just miscalculated it. | ||
| I thought he was trying to go through an opening. | ||
| I think I only saw this angle, the first angle. | ||
| The second angle, it looks like he was coming over the top of it. | ||
| They said 120 miles an hour on the video. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Just your fucking head hitting a beam. | ||
| Your legs severing. | ||
| Everyone witnesses it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then you gotta be the first guy to leave. | ||
| You gotta be like, well, I gotta get out of here. | ||
| Everyone's like, dude, that guy just died on the bridge. | ||
| You're like, I'm late? | ||
| With Larry David. | ||
| You have to throw away the rest of your day. | ||
| Yeah, you can't go. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You're upset, but you're also like, well, I didn't really know him. | ||
| Yeah, we didn't know him at all. | ||
| We just went to the spot where you're supposed to fly over. | ||
| I saw it on the news. | ||
| I was just going to support. | ||
| And then he landed on the bridge. | ||
| It's such a horrible way to die, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Squat being splattered. | ||
| Yeah, no thanks. | ||
| It's probably instantaneous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Your brain goes through your head. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Everything's all at once. | ||
| Which might have to be, you know... | ||
| I always think about that when you're like, if you were to fall off a building, would you want to aim your head down? | ||
| I don't think it matters. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| You don't think if you go legs first? | ||
| Crush. | ||
| Everything just explodes. | ||
| But if it doesn't, then it's like, God damn it. | ||
| Yeah, but nobody does that. | ||
| That's like one of the things they know when people are faking passing out is that they always catch themselves. | ||
| Sometimes people catch themselves when they do are blacking out because they're not totally out. | ||
| But when someone pretends to be out cold and they catch themselves on the way down and then still pretend to be out cold, like, I just saw you catch yourself. | ||
| I saw your movement. | ||
| You have to be, like, insane to let your face hit the ground. | ||
| Nobody does that. | ||
| As a pro wrestling fan, I always love when they do it. | ||
| That's so gangster. | ||
| Yeah, when they're like, they just take a flop. | ||
| I mean, Ric Flair, that was his thing. | ||
| He would do a couple steps and go face down on the man. | ||
| Yeah, oh my god. | ||
| But nobody goes like this, right? | ||
| Face first. | ||
| They kind of go sideways a little, right? | ||
| I think, I mean, Ric Flair would turn. | ||
| They don't land with their face. | ||
| But he would do a walk and then drop his whole face and then get back up. | ||
| Right, but when you see someone, here's one example. | ||
| When Jake Paul knocked out Tyron Woodley, all these people were telling me that that was fake. | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| And I go, watch how he fell. | ||
| Nobody falls like that. | ||
| Yeah, those knockouts are the... | ||
| When they crumble in a way where you're like, that's not... | ||
| He's not catching himself. | ||
| He fell face first. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Face first, didn't stop himself at all. | ||
| The ones that always impress me are the knockouts where then the punch restarts the engine. | ||
| Where they're like taking multiple punches and they're knocked out and then they get reawakened by like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's very rare. | |
| Yeah, but seeing it you're like... | ||
| It's kind of a thing though. | ||
| It's a thing when a guy gets rocked and then sometimes he gets hit and that wakes him up somehow or not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird though. | ||
| It's not normal. | ||
| Normally when a guy gets hit and he gets hurt, the second punch hurts more and then he gets knocked out. | ||
| Generally it's like that. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| I would have just been like, leave me asleep. | ||
| Don't hit me again, you fucking asshole. | ||
| I was nice and out. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Depends. | ||
| These guys all want to win. | ||
| They want to win so badly. | ||
| It's like part of what the restart is. | ||
| How high do you think the highest person to fall and survive fell from? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| Yeah, you can't ask any questions. | ||
| This might be a stupid... | ||
| I'll just jump in there with a number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go ahead. | |
| 1,000 feet? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm going to 100 feet. | ||
| How big is 1,000 feet? | ||
| 33,300 feet. | ||
| That's cruising altitude. | ||
| That's cruising altitude. | ||
| I only know that because they always tell us that. | ||
| What did he land on? | ||
| She... | ||
| Flight attendant. | ||
| Only person to survive plane crash. | ||
| 72! | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, they tried to figure out how exactly, and the speculation was right here. | ||
| Here's what happened in the crash. | ||
| The fuselage separated from the rest of the plane and hurtled towards the ground in a heavily wooded area near the Czechoslovak village of... | ||
| Good luck with that one. | ||
| A crash landed in a thick snow at a favorable angle, which is most likely what saved Vesna's life. | ||
| Additionally, Vesna's physicians determined that her low blood pressure caused her to quickly pass out when the cabin depressurized, which prevented her heart from bursting upon impact. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Festin was found screaming inside the wreckage by Bruno Honke, a local villager and former World War II medic who was able to administer vital first aid before rescuers arrived. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Although she survived, she sustained extremely serious injuries and spent the following days in a coma. | ||
| She suffered a fractured skull, two broken legs, three broken vertebrae, a fractured pelvis, several broken ribs, and temporary paralysis below the waist. | ||
| Amazingly, Veston was able to walk again after 10 months, albeit with a permanent limp, due to the twisting of her spine. | ||
| There's multiple people that have fallen from over 20,000 feet, though. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| How is that fucking possible? | ||
| So, she was in the plane. | ||
| Oh, yeah, she's like the number one, dude. | ||
| Like, you bring that up, you see other articles. | ||
| She's the known. | ||
| She's like, I fell. | ||
| I fell from the heavens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| My God. | ||
| Surviving that? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| No one can complain to you the rest of your life. | ||
| Just being like, dude, I had a bad headache. | ||
| She's like, yeah, I fell out of a plane. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I survived a 30,000 feet fall. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| This guy landed in a glass ceiling in Germany in World War II. His parachute didn't work. | ||
| And it says the glass ceiling probably managed to save his life. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He fell from, I think, somewhere in the range of 20,000 feet. | ||
| The glass ceiling actually managed to save his life, cushioning the fall enough so that he only had some minor injuries. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| I fell from a hotel. | ||
| Bro, oh my god. | ||
| 17th floor. | ||
| How did he live? | ||
| Same sort, like landed on a roof. | ||
| Plummeting through the 17th floor of the building onto an overhanging roof. | ||
| From there he fell to the ground, somehow landing on his feet. | ||
| Dude, landing, sticking the landing? | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| He suffered serious injuries including internal bleeding and multiple broken bones, but was lucky to simply stay alive. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| He lost his balance and fell through a window. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Fucking imagine when you're spacing out in the morning and you step on your sneaker wrong and you go face first over the window. | ||
| You're not 500 feet in the air. | ||
| You are. | ||
| Jamie lives in the sky. | ||
| Where do you live? | ||
| Up high. | ||
| Up high in an apartment building. | ||
| Oh man, so you're worried about it, huh? | ||
| Look out his window. | ||
| He's in the clouds. | ||
| Lightning is outside his front window. | ||
| That's what Jay's apartment in New York's up there. | ||
| It's like on the 23rd floor, and I'm like, you're in Sky Palace, dude. | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| That's the best view in the world, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The view in Manhattan when you're in like a tall building, and you're in with all the buildings, and you get to look out. | ||
| My friend's dad had a, he was like a banking financier type character. | ||
| And he had this apartment in Manhattan, and we went to it and checked it out. | ||
| It was fucking insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was fucking insane. | ||
| This was like when I was in my early 20s. | ||
| I'd never seen a place like this before. | ||
| You didn't know it existed? | ||
| No, it was poor. | ||
| And we're in this place. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| The view was like a science fiction movie. | ||
| Oh, looking down over the whole city? | ||
| He's looking down, but he's also in it. | ||
| So it's like there's all these lights and buildings, and it's all right in front of you. | ||
| And at nighttime, it's fucking spectacular. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I get it. | ||
| Because I was like, why would anybody spend millions of dollars for a fucking apartment in New York City? | ||
| And then I went to this guy's place. | ||
| I was like, oh, this is what rich people do. | ||
| This is why they do it. | ||
| They do it for this crazy view. | ||
| There's the old K-Rock, when I worked overnights there, you would go into the green room, like the old Howard Stern green room, and there was these windows that would look over, I want to say on like 58th Street or like 56th Street, and there were these buildings that had fucking houses on them. | ||
| Suburban houses on the top of these buildings and you're like, that's a level of rich. | ||
| They weren't complete with a yard and shit, but you saw it and you're like, that's where someone lives for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I would just sit out there and look at them and be like, this is fucking crazy. | |
| There's something about being on a porch and you look down. | ||
| And it's just city. | ||
| Just death. | ||
| Just fall to my death at any moment. | ||
| Any moment you could fall to your death. | ||
| And the house was back and it had a little bit of the roof. | ||
| You're like, this is fucking... | ||
| Great. | ||
| How much money do you have to be to be like, put a house on the building? | ||
| I know you've sold out all your apartments, but hear me out. | ||
| I want to go on the roof, four bedroom, three bath that I would find in a very nice part of Long Island. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm- Wow. | ||
| But this is like- That's a shitty one, though. | ||
| Yeah, they were like- That's a guy that yard and shit. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| And the guy that works... | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| This old overnight guy, Cheezmo, that worked at K-Rock was like, dude, you want to see these houses? | ||
| And I was like, all fucked up. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| I was like, yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I mean. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's something about being that high. | ||
| It's so terrifying, too. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| You wake up. | ||
| I bet you have the craziest nightmares. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| You live on like the hundredth floor. | ||
| Just falling. | ||
| Especially if you do bong hits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh man, if you fall on the floor, falling from your bed, you're like, is this all? | ||
| Do I go all the way down? | ||
| Just that fucking primal reaction. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that. | ||
| Stay low. | ||
| Stay low to the ground. | ||
| Keep moving. | ||
| Why are you up so high? | ||
| Get out of there. | ||
| Don't get duct taped. | ||
| Do you know they say that it's a part of our primate past that we like to put the master bedroom upstairs? | ||
| Because in the olden days, you'd have to hide in the trees from predators. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when we were some sort of lower primate, we're trying to get away from big cats. | ||
| That's what they did. | ||
| They tried to hide in the high branches. | ||
| Same kind of thing. | ||
| I buy it. | ||
| Like if someone breaks into your house, you're above them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's going on down there? | ||
| You always think about it. | ||
| You've got to come up these stairs if you want to get me. | ||
| That's most house you have, for real. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's just an old primate thing. | ||
| Or the meat missile gets you. | ||
| Dude, if you got that meat missile, open that door and give it a little whistle. | ||
| Do you know how excited someone must be if someone finally breaks into a guy's house who has a meat missile, just trained and ready to go, just sitting there every day, just sitting there every day hoping someone would. | ||
| Hoping someone would. | ||
| Today is your day. | ||
| Go feast, my... | ||
| Like the way that pit bull was acting on that treadmill, that's how they are. | ||
| I'm biting you in the dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just can't wait. | |
| I think that's how it would feel to know karate. | ||
| Someone fuck with you. | ||
| I feel like that's the same feeling when if someone if someone fuck with me and I was like All right, here we go, baby It's very fun when you watch a video of a guy who doesn't know how to fight and he picks a fight with someone who does and he's a total douchebag and he gets flatlined I can't even think of what the video would be called but on ebom's world when the old internet videos the There was this guy, I want to say British, and they're in this alley, and this guy's up on his porch yelling at him, right? | ||
| And he's like fucking with his recycling bin, and this fat dude's got his shirt tucked into his thing, and he's just like talking. | ||
| You can't hear what they're saying, but he's rattling it, and then the guy steps out into the yard and just does this like confident pose, and the guy that was yelling goes, and he just does like two moves and just fucking knocks the guy out, and you're like, that's cool as shit. | ||
| That was like, I know what I'm doing. | ||
| All right, let's move a little farther out, and I'm going to do it to you. | ||
| It was fucking cool. | ||
| I wish I knew what that video was called. | ||
| There's a lot of those videos. | ||
| He's got a fat gut, and he just does something like that, and he just fucks this dude up. | ||
| I think I know what you're talking about. | ||
| You're talking about the one that takes place in a parking structure, and he hits him with a leg kick, and then the guy moves to- No, it's all hands. | ||
| He just moves to the side and hits him once. | ||
| This one's even better. | ||
| There's this dude, this cholo, and he's got a cigarette. | ||
| He takes a puff of his cigarette before he decides he's gonna fight this guy, and then he takes his shirt off. | ||
| He takes his shirt off and he puts it aside, and he walks towards the guy like, man, I'm about to fuck you up. | ||
| And this guy backs up like a skilled fighter, hits him with a leg kick, lifts him up in the air, he falls crashing to the ground. | ||
| The guy gets up like, oh, we kicking now? | ||
| And he moves towards him again because he doesn't know what to do because he's fully committed to fighting this trained killer. | ||
| And then the guy jumps on him, grabs him in a single leg, and knocks him unconscious. | ||
| So check this out. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Oh, this is a different one. | ||
| Oh, this is where it starts. | ||
| This is how it starts. | ||
| So this guy's like chasing these guys off him. | ||
| They're talking shit. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| He fought this guy first. | ||
| That's right, he fought two guys. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So he fights this guy first. | ||
| Hey, keep it over here, dawg. | ||
| So he's fucking this guy up. | ||
| The guy in the black shirt is the trade fighter. | ||
| And he's the guy that's by himself, and they're fucking with him. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Look at that leg kick. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Yeah, dude, and he's... | ||
| He's fucking that guy up. | ||
| Also, the way the other guy moves... | ||
| He doesn't know what he's doing. | ||
| Keep that volume on. | ||
| Over here, over here. | ||
| Keep it over here. | ||
| Say, why are you throwing kicks? | ||
| Why are you throwing kicks? | ||
| Only at this moment do I identify with that guy. | ||
| We go, ow! | ||
| So he's leaving. | ||
| He's saying you're lucky. | ||
| So the guy's like, you want to keep going, bitch? | ||
| Chill, boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a fight, dog. | |
| It's cool. | ||
| You don't want to fucking kick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all right. | |
| You want to kick, homeboy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want to kick, homeboy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You want to kick, homeboy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You want to kick, homeboy? | ||
| So look, he takes a hit of his cigarette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to kick, homeboy? | |
| Oh gee, dude. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| Oh, it's worse. | ||
| So here's the leg kick. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| It chases after him. | ||
| Head on the concrete. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Cross-eyed. | ||
| Knocked him out cross-eyed. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| You don't want that in your life. | ||
| Dude, then just me walking up with my fucking car thing going like, I'm the Nissan. | ||
| I didn't see anything. | ||
| Hey guys, cool. | ||
| I'm cool. | ||
| I just need to go get some Wendy's. | ||
| That impact is horrible. | ||
| Yeah, you hear that fucking... | ||
| Does it say the guy's name? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| R.I.P. That guy's absolutely a trained fighter. | ||
| Yeah, but that guy, like, it's like watching swimmers. | ||
| They just know how to move in the water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where they just can fucking... | ||
| Well, he was fucking up that other guy first, and that other guy looked like he knew, like, a little bit. | ||
| Like, he was a little shocked that this guy's fucking him up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he probably felt like he could fight a little bit. | ||
| That's gotta be a moment for you. | ||
| You're the toughest guy in the neighborhood, and then you go against a guy that knows what he's doing, and you're like, fuck. | ||
| You're not supposed to be this good. | ||
| When I first started doing jujitsu, it was one of the most humbling things I'd ever experienced in my life. | ||
| And I had won a bunch of martial arts tournaments. | ||
| I started doing jujitsu and I was getting fucking mauled. | ||
| I was stunned. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, I'm so helpless. | ||
| Then you just realized, you're like, fuck, I don't know. | ||
| That's how I felt when I was telling you. | ||
| I sucked at football. | ||
| You just have a guy grab you and just be like... | ||
| Yeah, hold you down. | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| Trying to move. | ||
| Let me up, dude. | ||
| Well, you're a big guy, but you're a normal big guy. | ||
| Yeah, just normal. | ||
| There's other guys that are not normal big. | ||
| They're giant big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a different level of big. | ||
| Strong and aggressive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what's funny is I knew I wasn't aggressive when I was like five. | ||
| I knew I was a silly boy. | ||
| When I was five, I love wrestling. | ||
| Like I said, lifelong pro wrestling fan. | ||
| But I actually wrestled five, six, and seven. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, but immediately knew I wasn't good at it when you see these other little killers that are just like mow you down. | ||
| I'd be like, hey, dude. | ||
| As they're like double leg takedown in me, I'd be like, stop. | ||
| You're taking this serious. | ||
| I'd wrestle, but I knew, I just saw the difference where I was like, that kid only goes forward. | ||
| And I'm just wanting to hang out and Bullshit, you know? | ||
| I was like, dude, fuck this. | ||
| I knew it wasn't for me. | ||
| I was like, God bless. | ||
| I wrestled one year, my sophomore year in high school. | ||
| One year. | ||
| You gotta be... | ||
| It is a mindset. | ||
| Wrestlers are the most impressive with their training. | ||
| Yeah, they're the most mentally tough. | ||
| Khabib is insane. | ||
| He's so fascinating to learn against, but then also like Dan Gable and all those guys, that thought process, you're like, those are fucking tough. | ||
| You have to be. | ||
| You can't make it as an elite wrestler without being tough. | ||
| No one is just talented. | ||
| No one. | ||
| Everyone's disciplined. | ||
| Everyone's got that work. | ||
| And they're not doing it for the money, because there's no money in it. | ||
| I mean, the amount of money in amateur wrestling is extremely small. | ||
| Unless you're at Jordan Burroughs, he actually makes a great living doing tournaments. | ||
| But he's the best of the best. | ||
| He's an Olympic gold medalist. | ||
| He's phenomenal. | ||
| Just come to the WWE. He's a world champion. | ||
| I mean, there's levels of levels, right? | ||
| So at that level, but the regular level of college amateur wrestlers, they're doing it for free. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they are insanely dedicated, insanely disciplined, insanely conditioned, insanely skilled. | ||
| It can walk right through you. | ||
| Walk right through you. | ||
| There's a great comic, Greg Warren, who's so funny. | ||
| I know Greg. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know Greg from back in the day. | ||
| He's a really good wrestler. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was an All-American in Missouri. | ||
| So you meet this guy and you're like, yo, you're so fucking funny. | ||
| And then you're just like, oh yeah, he could double leg takedown. | ||
| Adam Hunter's a really good wrestler. | ||
| Yeah, Adam Hunter was a great wrestler. | ||
| When you find out that, I always think it's fascinating because you're like, damn, dude, you were really good at a very hard thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's a mind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to be a strong, strong person to do that. | ||
| And it's also like a culture of suffering. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, every guy likes to suffer more than the other guy. | ||
| Like, every guy likes to cut more weight. | ||
| Every guy likes to do the extra miles. | ||
| Like, there was guys on my wrestling team that we would all be fucking exhausted after practice waiting for our moms to pick us up. | ||
| And these motherfuckers would be running laps and just yelling and, you know, just getting fired up and shit. | ||
| You're like, oh my god. | ||
| They wanted it, but those are the guys that won. | ||
| The fucking insane ones were the ones who were the winners. | ||
| Yeah, didn't Kurt Angle win a gold medal with a broken neck? | ||
| Yes, a broken neck. | ||
| You gotta be... | ||
| Yeah, you gotta be fucking insane. | ||
| You gotta be wired. | ||
| You gotta be a different kind of human. | ||
| He was so good, he beat you guys with a broken neck. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| That's how good he was. | ||
| Like, imagine if he was healthy. | ||
| Imagine with a good neck. | ||
| Yeah, imagine no neck problems, how he would fuck you up. | ||
| Yeah, that is, uh, man, it's like wrestlers when you see, even when I played football in high school and you saw what the wrestlers had to go through for training, you were like, fuck that. | ||
| Like those stairs and the fireman carriers, all the shit that they would do. | ||
| Didn't Dan Gable get to the Olympic gold without having a point scored on him? | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah, he didn't have one point scored on him in the Olympics. | ||
| You know how fucking insane that is? | ||
| To be in international competition against the very best of the best and the biggest tournament on earth against the overachievers and savages that make up the mass of amateur wrestlers all over the world? | ||
| And no one can even score a point on you. | ||
| 1972 games in particular Gable won all six of his matches without giving up a point. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| You don't know how hard that man is. | ||
| That's a hard man. | ||
| Like you don't you don't make it's hard to make a person like that. | ||
| And that Sam Sheridan book, A Fighter's Mind? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Where he interviews Gable. | ||
| It's one of my favorite interviews because Gable says that The theory of killers in the room. | ||
| You put people that really intimidate you around you, and you're gonna get better, and I was like that. | ||
| That clicked on for me early in comedy, where it was like, yeah, you got people around you that... | ||
| 21 Olympic, I mean... | ||
| 21 Olympic qualification in Olympic matches. | ||
| He scored 12 falls and outscored his nine other opponents 130 to 1. During his six matches at the Munich Olympics, he went unscored upon. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| 130 to 1. You have to be like, if you're the one, you're like, guess who got that fucking point on Dan Cable. | ||
| But that's how good he was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I've met him, and he's an amazing guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he paid a price physically. | ||
| Like, his body's got his knees and all these operations. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| He was a warrior. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, those guys, to be that mentally tough, you push through pain, you push through injury, you push through anything. | ||
| It's a mindset thing, and that's the thing that wrestlers are known for. | ||
| One of the things about MMA is, I mean, there's tough guys in everything, right? | ||
| There's tough guys in kickboxing, there's tough guys in jiu-jitsu, but almost all the guys who came from... | ||
| There's coffee in this here, right? | ||
| But almost all the guys who came from wrestling are tough. | ||
| There's some guys in other disciplines that maybe they're not known for being tough. | ||
| They're just different levels of skill and different levels of champions and stuff. | ||
| But with wrestlers, it's like all of them. | ||
| All of them are animals. | ||
| You obviously would know much more about this than I would, but Dagestan. | ||
| Oh, perfect example. | ||
| Those guys, is that just builds wrestlers that are unbelievable? | ||
| Well, they're really technical, they're really aggressive, and it's really popular. | ||
| And when you've got guys like Islam Akachev, you've got... | ||
| Khabib Nurmagomedov. | ||
| You got all the other guys that have come out of Dagestan that are high-level wrestlers. | ||
| You got high-level strikers. | ||
| Zabit came out of there and he's a striker. | ||
| He's like a stand-up guy. | ||
| I mean, he has a ground game as well, but he's known for his wild, traditional martial arts techniques. | ||
| So it's a tough part of the world, man. | ||
| They're tough fucking people and they're really disciplined. | ||
| And I think there's something about the fact that a lot of these guys are very religious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I think there's something about that in terms of the reward of discipline and the adherence to a very strict Moral, ethical, and behavioral code. | ||
| If that's how you're living your life, if you're doing that in wrestling, it's almost like it's easy. | ||
| You're like, I do this already in my normal life, so this isn't going to be hard. | ||
| There's like a disproportionate amount of really elite fighters that are coming from that area. | ||
| And a lot of it also has to do with Khabib's dad. | ||
| And unfortunately, he died during the pandemic. | ||
| And now Khabib has taken over. | ||
| And he's basically the coach for those guys now, which is amazing. | ||
| And I love that, because Khabib, it's like Dan Gable, who then went on to Iowa and just won all those championships as a coach. | ||
| I love seeing that. | ||
| I love seeing a fighter. | ||
| His dad taught him how to coach, too. | ||
| He coached with his dad, so he'd always coach his teammates. | ||
| He grew up with an elite trainer as a father, which is amazing. | ||
| They all worshipped his dad. | ||
| Man, that's gotta be insane. | ||
| Or to be the member of the family that just isn't aggressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He likes to read books and play D&D. You go, guys, hold on. | |
| I just like to live in my head. | ||
| My Sarlog got murdered by a war party. | ||
| And they're like, dude, you're fucking... | ||
| Yeah, that's got to be... | ||
| That would be a hard thing for a dude like that to just accept a son that just has no ambition to conquer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alexander the meh. | ||
| He's just like, I don't know. | ||
| I kind of want to live off what you did. | ||
| He's misanthropic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He wants to spend his time helping others. | ||
| You're like, we dominate here. | ||
| But it is. | ||
| I mean, Alexander, there's got to be so many of those disappointments. | ||
| Where you're just like, you build this thing up. | ||
| Like, Uday Hussein was a disappointment to a psycho father. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To his dad. | |
| Who is what? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He beat his trainer to death? | ||
| Is that what they said? | ||
| He beat his bodyguard. | ||
| He beat his dad's bodyguard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Oh, the bodyguard. | ||
| His dad's bodyguard. | ||
| Which, like, you know, if it was that sitcom, he's like, ooh, dang! | ||
| Did you kill my bodyguard at the party? | ||
| Why did I think it was his trainer? | ||
| That's how high I am. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I forgot already. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Imagine you have your favorite bodyguard, and you're the king of Iraq, and you come home, and your son turned him into a puddle. | ||
| Like, what the fuck kind of a demon am I living with? | ||
| You think you're mad when your dog eats a pillow. | ||
| You're like, dude, you killed the guy that's supposed to protect me. | ||
| How wild that is. | ||
| Maybe they were connected. | ||
| Maybe he was trying to tell his dad, like, hey, your son is a fucking psycho. | ||
| Yeah, and he's like, no, he's fine. | ||
| He's like, did you tell my dad I was a psycho? | ||
| Did you say that? | ||
| I'm gonna show my dad I was a psycho. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's probably exactly what happened. | ||
| The feeding the soccer players to dogs. | ||
| Is crazy. | ||
| That was the thing. | ||
| They said that they had kept dogs and they would feed people to dogs. | ||
| I don't know if that's a true story, but what I'd read in one of the articles about him was that they would just grab women and he would rape them and feed them to dogs. | ||
| I mean, if a guy has a thing called a pleasure dome, he's either a swinger or he's gonna feed those women to dogs. | ||
| Yeah, either he sells molly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's either into touchy drugs or he's going to fucking feed them to an animal. | ||
| Because that's crazy. | ||
| I mean, just like picking up people off the street. | ||
| And if you're the son of a dictator, not even like... | ||
| We see what the children of politicians do. | ||
| Imagine of an absolute... | ||
| Murderous. | ||
| My father rules with an iron fist. | ||
| Right, you've seen him kill people. | ||
| You know what he's going to do. | ||
| And I'm worse than him. | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| You probably saw him kill people growing up. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| I'm sure they executed people for treason or mistrust or... | ||
| A dictator doesn't just stay comfortable. | ||
| There's people that come for you. | ||
| Right, always. | ||
| Always. | ||
| So you gotta... | ||
| Yeah, he forced friends and... | ||
| He forced friends and party guests into his monkey's cage. | ||
| According to Time, Uday's demanding demeanor... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just funny. | |
| He extended to leisure and frivolity. | ||
| At parties, he demanded others match him in drinking, and his tolerance was notoriously high. | ||
| Aw, dude, you gotta be hungover and wake up in a monkey cage? | ||
| He had a pet monkey named Louisa, and when he got drunk, he forced other inebriated partygoers and friends alike into the animal's cage. | ||
| Reportedly, Louisa also imbibed and would attack the guests tossed into her cage. | ||
| So she was hammered? | ||
| Yeah, get the monkey drunk and then make it fight his friends. | ||
| Former bodyguards also detailed a cage of monkeys Uday kept at his club specifically so that the animals could witness him assaulting women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He wanted monkeys to watch him rape? | ||
| What? | ||
| Click on that link. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| But the cage of monkeys link? | ||
| It's a link? | ||
| No, it's a different link. | ||
| Oh, it's a different thing? | ||
| There's a real long story from Time Magazine where a bunch of that was coming from that was really hard to read through because it was a really old article. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| He had a place where he would assault women. | ||
| He assaulted so many of them that he had a place. | ||
| And he had a cage full of monkeys that he would make watch. | ||
| That he would be like, watch this, monkeys. | ||
| Okay, the bodyguard said he was disgusted by Uday's activities. | ||
| He points to a floor-to-ceiling cage in the corner of the club's kitchen where he says monkeys were kept for Uday because he'd like to have the animals watch him when he was deflowering virgins. | ||
| It was his to make the singers who entertained Uday at the boat club gulp down a liter and a half of a cocktail combination of 90 proof alcohol often with some drugs thrown in I Would line up the entertainment against the wall and the bodyguard said pointing to the side of the garage And I would take a stick and I would say drink drink you have ten minutes if any of them didn't drink I hit them with a stick then if the singer still refused they were given a | ||
| given a street beating, meaning their faces were untouched, but they were pummeled until they could hardly stand up. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Damn, man! | ||
| So he has a team of people that will go out and just grab people for him. | ||
| I want to talk about how good comedy is, man. | ||
| I mean, can you imagine walking into a Funny Bone and they're like, drink this 10 liters, drink this liter, and you're like, dude, I just wanted to do a new joke about... | ||
| About fucking about tinder and like drink this fucking booze You don't don't want to read that article unless you really want to like fuck with your mind. | ||
| Yeah, because it's Ultimate evil. | ||
| It's that thing. | ||
| It's like It's in the Game of Thrones. | ||
| It's in all those tales of a king and he has an evil son like sometimes it's even a good king and But the son grows up with ultimate power and he becomes evil. | ||
| And they are torturous and vicious. | ||
| It's a cliché, almost, to have a torturous son of a dictator. | ||
| I wonder if they, at one point, started noticing that and they're like, hey, if you got a kid, just send him to live with an uncle. | ||
| Give him the fucking... | ||
| You send him not to be... | ||
| We don't need a murderous psycho. | ||
| How to not raise a psychopath for dummies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're a king. | ||
| Just send him to a cousin, someone you know, a college friend. | ||
| Oh, you're going to tell me more. | ||
| Let's talk about them feeding two people to lions. | ||
| The lions pounced. | ||
| I saw the head of the first student literally come off his body with the first bite and then had to stand and watch the animals devour two young men. | ||
| By the time they were finished, there was little left but for the bones and bits and pieces of unwanted flesh. | ||
| Fucking fuck. | ||
| Hold on, look at the beginning of the story. | ||
| Ahmaud was Husay's chief executioner. | ||
| Last week as Iraqis celebrated the death of his former boss and his equally savage younger brother, Husay, he nervously revealed a hideous story. | ||
| His instructions that day in 1999 were to arrest the two 19-year-olds on the campus of Baghdad's Academy of Fine Arts and deliver them to Radhwanya? | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| Radhwanya? | ||
| On arrival at the sprawling compound, he was directed to a farm where he found a large cage. | ||
| Inside, two lions waited. | ||
| They belonged to Uday. | ||
| Guards took the two young men from the car and opened the cage door. | ||
| One of the victims collapsed in terror As they were dragged, screaming and shouting to meet their fate. | ||
| Ahmaud watched as the students frantically looked for a way of escape. | ||
| There was none. | ||
| And this one, it says, the lions pounce. | ||
| I saw the head of the first student literally come off his body with the first bite, then had to stand and watch the animals devour the two young men. | ||
| Holy fuck, dude. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| If you think about it, it is almost worse for the executioner. | ||
| Because the guy's like... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He has to sit through it all. | ||
| He's not dying. | ||
| This is when a woman was pregnant and she was beheaded. | ||
| He beheaded her. | ||
| And the woman was beheaded knowing she was pregnant. | ||
| Oh my god, I don't even read this, man. | ||
| This goes on and on and on and on and on. | ||
| There's a shitload of those stories. | ||
| He was a serial killer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is insane. | ||
| He was killing for pleasure and fun and shit. | ||
| And he had ultimate power. | ||
| Ultimate power and he was killing for a thrill. | ||
| Yeah, and then, I mean, I think you are so happy when the United States military shows up. | ||
| You're like, please, dude, this fucking guy. | ||
| One of the things said that at the dark day was when he found the internet and started looking up ways to torture people online and then started trying that shit out. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Dude, you're like, No, don't do that. | ||
| He's like, I found this thing called Google. | ||
| You're like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You know what's wild? | ||
| Let's think of this. | ||
| What do you think would have happened if the United States didn't invade Iraq the second time? | ||
| The second Iraq war didn't break out. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| What do you think that would be like now? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I feel like Middle East politics is so tricky with the way that all the power struggle is and everything that is. | ||
| Could you imagine if his sons were still alive? | ||
| I mean, this comes out after someone dies and you're like, would you have seen that had they stayed alive? | ||
| Would it have been more prevalent? | ||
| Would have gotten worse? | ||
| Would it have... | ||
| Hussein, fairly old when he was executed, he fucking might have been dead by now and they would have... | ||
| Can you imagine that power struggle? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Imagine the sons trying to take over from the dad. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They would definitely try to kill their dad. | ||
| Yeah, there's no way they're not. | ||
| They're trying to kill everybody. | ||
| I bet, like you said, with the bodyguard, I bet that was a thing where his dad was like, shit. | ||
| Uday got fucking Billy. | ||
| Uday got Billy. | ||
| He probably gets everybody, man. | ||
| He literally raised a monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And were they arrested? | ||
| Were they detained by the US minister? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think they were killed. | |
| They were killed. | ||
| In their palaces, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Because you wonder if you're like- I'm trying to remember. | ||
| If they tried to get them. | ||
| If they were like, we're going to try to bring you in. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Why would you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Study them. | ||
| Oh fuck it. | ||
| Interview them. | ||
| Be like, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| I mean, if there's ever a justification to just kill someone and you find them. | ||
| Those guys. | ||
| You just gave about seven examples. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that is the number one cliché of the sons of these dictators. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| You have to think about monarchs, right? | ||
| You have to think about kings and their prince. | ||
| The sun takes over and they go on for generations after generations. | ||
| How fucking psycho is generation three and four? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you have to match your grandpa's energy? | |
| You gotta reach up and be like, I gotta fucking... | ||
| Nah, man, I kinda wanna do my own thing. | ||
| Yeah, he's the guy that took over the kingdom. | ||
| Yeah, that he fought for and took it over and then to rule it... | ||
| You always wonder if you're one of the serfs or one of the peasants in that place and you see the new guy and you're like... | ||
| Could be better. | ||
| This guy might be nice. | ||
| Maybe, yeah. | ||
| And then you see him do that shit and you're like... | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Another fucking king. | ||
| You imagine what that must have been like. | ||
| I would love... | ||
| There's moments in history that if I could have a fucking time machine to have a realistic view of what it was like. | ||
| That would be one. | ||
| To see what it would be like to see King Henry VIII and see all the peasants in the village below him and he's eating a giant fucking turkey leg and shit and he's all fat. | ||
| Swollen ankles. | ||
| Killing his wives when he doesn't like them anymore. | ||
| Yeah, just munching and killing. | ||
| And then you have to like see the difference between those people and then the regular people that are right next to him. | ||
| Like how crazy this is. | ||
| They have like, you know, the civilians are the regular people, the peasants, the people that aren't the royalty. | ||
| They have to stand outside the gates and know that all their money goes to this guy. | ||
| He controls the military and he was just born into this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His dad was a king and he's a prince. | ||
| But that's what I mean. | ||
| By the third generation, you're dealing with the third generation of everyone else being like... | ||
| And they're inbred by then. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| The goofy teeth, weird blood. | ||
| And they're ruthless. | ||
| But they're like... | ||
| Yeah, but that also... | ||
| That inbreeding really ramps that shit up. | ||
| You got an inbred guy being like, I want to torture. | ||
| I want to torture everybody. | ||
| But they... | ||
| But you think of that third generation of everyone else. | ||
| And entitled, raised by entitled people. | ||
| So entitled psychopaths raised by entitled psychopaths. | ||
| That's what I mean though, but to keep that power. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And you got third generation psychopath and third generation civilians that are like, we're gonna fuck with- Off with his head! | ||
| Yeah, and they're like, okay. | ||
| Yeah, imagine having the power to just look at someone and go, off with his head! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just chop your fucking head off and that's legal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a legal execution. | ||
| Execute him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The king would like him dead? | ||
| Oh, you, sir. | ||
| Have insulted the king. | ||
| You splashed mud. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your head comes in a basket. | ||
| They hold it off for you. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Give him to the dogs. | ||
| It sounds like something we'd be doing now with overpopulation. | ||
| But then they were just doing it for fucking shits and gigs. | ||
| Well, it's something we would do now if people get ultimate power. | ||
| If someone had ultimate power like that, that just seems to be a horrible thing for people. | ||
| Just like we were talking earlier about, like, I'm a guy who wins all the time. | ||
| Like, you gotta lose. | ||
| Like, it's important to lose. | ||
| Like, there's a balance. | ||
| Humility. | ||
| You can't always be comfortable. | ||
| That's not good either. | ||
| There's a balance. | ||
| But there's a balance of power. | ||
| And you can't have too much power. | ||
| Because too much power is an intoxicant that it seems like very few can ignore or manage. | ||
| It seems like most that get into that position act ruthlessly. | ||
| They act like psychopaths. | ||
| Well, because they don't... | ||
| Fear anyone. | ||
| There's no balance of anything. | ||
| So you can't get to the point where you're a king and you can never get voted out. | ||
| You can't get to that point because that's what those guys are. | ||
| And also no one's gonna disagree with you. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Because you got all the shit. | ||
| You're gonna be so delusional. | ||
| You're not even gonna be able to communicate with people in a normal way because they're all gonna withhold information from you. | ||
| They're all terrified of you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| Humility. | ||
| Did you see that movie The Dissident? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's about the murder of Jamal Khashoggi. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Jamal Khashoggi was a reporter for the Washington Times, or the Washington Post, rather. | ||
| I do know. | ||
| The Saudi Arabians. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And they said that the Saudi prince ordered the hit, and the nine guys walking in, and then... | ||
| It's dark. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's dark. | ||
| So imagine this is happening today with all the internet and all the ability to talk about this and films being made about it and countless articles being written about it. | ||
| Imagine when it was like 100 years ago, 200 years ago, 500 years ago. | ||
| We were talking about that before the podcast where it's like bank robberies in the 80s. | ||
| You just go do it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And then you just go to another town. | ||
| Put a fucking mask on. | ||
| That one fucking knows. | ||
| In the 1800s. | ||
| Yeah, 1800s, you just go right around. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm going to knock off that stagecoach. | ||
| I bet they robbed banks constantly. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| Became a job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Bank robber is like a thing. | ||
| Other robbers don't have its own name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A bank robber, because it was so successful. | ||
| I guess car thief. | ||
| Horse thief. | ||
| Horse thief. | ||
| There were those, but... | ||
| But like, oh, she's a purse stealer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, they do. | ||
| With Kuklinski, in that book by Philip Carlo, they talk about they didn't have a national database. | ||
| They weren't sharing information the way they share information now. | ||
| So Kuklinski could go and kill in Florida, come back up to New York, or shoot kids in North Carolina at a truck stop, and no one knew that they were all connected until he was like, yeah, I did that. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I'd go to Bucks County, Pennsylvania to drop those bodies in when he lived in New Jersey. | ||
| Because he's like, I'm up in New Jersey. | ||
| It's a different state. | ||
| No one fucking knows. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That totally makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, because you're just like, they're not sharing anything. | ||
| I can get away with this. | ||
| The internet changed everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| When you're a good criminal now, when you get away with something... | ||
| Respect. | ||
| There was a lot of them are like the Bitcoin criminals now or crypto criminals. | ||
| They're trying to steal people's crypto coins. | ||
| I know nothing about that. | ||
| So it's like so fun to think about someone just lurking around being like, I'm a crypto. | ||
| I'm a crypto burglar. | ||
| You're like, I don't even know. | ||
| I don't even know what the fuck it is. | ||
| So good luck. | ||
| The real scary crime these days is like digital crime. | ||
| That's what people are worried about. | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever had a notification on your email where they're like, someone used your Netflix, like, and it's my mom. | ||
| Like, all right. | ||
| You were signing in on your Apple TV. Netflix apparently has got a plan to crack down on that. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| They said they had 100 million people illegally using their passwords. | ||
| I can give you four names right now, Netflix. | ||
| Call me up. | ||
| I'll rat on four people I know. | ||
| How is it so easy to do? | ||
| You just log in? | ||
| But you just log in with multiple devices all over the place? | ||
| Yeah, I'm telling you. | ||
| I've gotten that email where my mom... | ||
| I guess in a desire to make it more convenient for you, that you could watch it on your phone, you could watch it on your television. | ||
| I have it on my laptop. | ||
| I have my HBO Max open on my laptop. | ||
| I have it on my PlayStation. | ||
| So it's like I can watch it at home. | ||
| So one could be a different thing. | ||
| Or just a complete different person. | ||
| Right. | ||
| One could be a complete different person. | ||
| Or it could be you're watching two different shows. | ||
| How do you, you know what I mean? | ||
| Maybe I'll have two different TVs. | ||
| There's going to be a Netflix monitor that's like, all right. | ||
| I have severe ADHD. I like to watch things on two different screens. | ||
| Okay, show me all the devices. | ||
| I watch a laptop while I'm watching a regular screen. | ||
| I do that all the time, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I used to play video games. | ||
| I'd put your podcast on and play video games. | ||
| Oh, that's different though. | ||
| But it's like with the video. | ||
| But podcast is perfect because it's just a conversation. | ||
| You can tune in, tune out. | ||
| I do that with Last Podcast on the Left. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I just put it on and I play video games and then I'll be like, oh, what did Jack the Ripper do? | ||
| Come back in that's how I found that Dahmer party book cuz I was like damn sounds hold on rewind that podcast this shit sounds intense I wish I could remember all the cool things that I've figured out or rather was was told on this podcast. | ||
| Oh my god I wish I could remember cuz there's so many fucking people have told me cool shit Have you ever thought about things that we googled and figured out Jay and I said did this thing on the bonfire cuz we have topics that we'd start and then Go somewhere else. | ||
| This guy was like, I want to go through and find all the topics that you never finished. | ||
| It's like, that's seven years of that. | ||
| And the guy gave up. | ||
| The guy was in it for a little bit and he's like, and I respect the fuck out of the effort. | ||
| But if someone did that for you and found all the stuff you were told from all, you know what I mean? | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| And just put it in the great book of knowledge. | ||
| Things you've said multiple times. | ||
| You told this story four times. | ||
| You always know that. | ||
| But at least it clogs, like, it fucks it up for liars. | ||
| Because, like, if you lie and you forget your lie, you know, you're making up stories. | ||
| And then you're coming back and being like, well, actually, what happened is, like, we got proof that this is different. | ||
| You told a different story. | ||
| You told a complete different story. | ||
| The human memory is definitely limited. | ||
| I can tell you for a fact. | ||
| At least mine is. | ||
| I only have room for so much. | ||
| I have terrible short-term memory. | ||
| But I have great long-term memory. | ||
| I can remember some stuff. | ||
| Things that I care about, I can remember. | ||
| Like I'm very good with MMA stats and statistics and I can recall past fights and stuff like that. | ||
| I know wrestling matches sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there you go. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Boxing matches. | ||
| I can talk about boxing matches from the 80s when I was young. | ||
| But even then, sometimes I get it wrong. | ||
| Yeah, I mean stand-up, I always loved that. | ||
| Because, you know, growing up such a big fan. | ||
| I was also the first generation to grow up with Comedy Central. | ||
| When they played stand-up. | ||
| Oh, a lot. | ||
| Non-stop. | ||
| How did they fuck it up? | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| What did they do? | ||
| Because they had it. | ||
| What did they have? | ||
| They have South Park now. | ||
| South Park and Daily Show. | ||
| Do they have other good shows? | ||
| Oh, the Daily Show still. | ||
| But that's all it is. | ||
| What else do they have? | ||
| I don't really know. | ||
| I don't really know, but I know- They were on top of the fucking world. | ||
| You would go to Comedy Central if you wanted to laugh. | ||
| But also, it was so consistently, when I was growing up, it was so consistent, you'd put it on at 2pm and watch a premium blend. | ||
| Well, when they went bad on Ari, that was a bad sign, not just of the fact that they were willing to do that, but that's the direction. | ||
| That's how they think about it. | ||
| Yeah, it was talking to Ari about that because I had a story and Jay had a story and we both reached out to Ari and we're like, dude, we'll cancel. | ||
| And he was like, please don't. | ||
| He's like, I need that crew to work. | ||
| Yeah, he was actually going to pay them for all their wages if they didn't have to work. | ||
| He was trying to figure out how he could do it. | ||
| Maybe he was going to take out a loan. | ||
| But he was also very hands-on with who got the show and Roy Wood Jr. rules. | ||
| Yeah, Roy Wood Jr. is awesome. | ||
| He's one of my favorite comedians. | ||
| He's the perfect sensibility. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| He's a great host. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| All the above. | ||
| But the way they did it was just so crazy. | ||
| Like, so you can't do a Netflix special. | ||
| If you do a Netflix special and you don't do a Comedy Central special for less money and less exposure, we're going to cancel your Comedy Central show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| That's where you start being like, well, if you were smart, you'd be like, go do the Netflix thing. | ||
| Which would bring more eyes to the Comedy Central show. | ||
| That would be smart. | ||
| But the thing is, are you contractually obligated to do a special at Comedy Central? | ||
| If not, then this should be a no-brainer. | ||
| Do you have an exclusive where you could only be on Comedy Central? | ||
| And it didn't seem like there was. | ||
| But it was like... | ||
| Watching him get fired from a show that he created. | ||
| I was there when he created it, man. | ||
| I was there in the early days at the lab, the improv. | ||
| It was just called this, like, I think he called it unnamed storyteller. | ||
| No, what was it in the beginning? | ||
| He would have, like, different names for, like, what other subjects. | ||
| I think he's bringing that back. | ||
| Psychedelica. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think he's bringing back the unnamed storyteller, because we did it at the Ryman as part of the national... | ||
| No, no, he calls it the unnamed storyteller show. | ||
| That's not what he called it back then. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Back then he would have, like, names for each individual subject. | ||
| Well, that's kind of how he did the episodes when it became a show, where he'd be like, sex would be an episode. | ||
| Psychedelics. | ||
| Crime. | ||
| No, that is how he did it. | ||
| But what I'm saying is that he would name it that. | ||
| It didn't have a name. | ||
| It wasn't like unknown. | ||
| He became This Is Not Happening on Comedy Central. | ||
| But before then, it was just like whatever the subject was, I think. | ||
| I think it would just be Ari Shafir presents Psychedelica. | ||
| And people would go, knowing that it was a storyteller show. | ||
| He'd explain it at the beginning. | ||
| He would tell a story. | ||
| And then he would bring people up and they would tell stories. | ||
| But he had this idea that it would be a great way to work on bits because people would accept the fact that it is a story. | ||
| So you don't feel as constrained to the set-up punchline, set-up punchline, and allow you to maybe explore ideas that you didn't really know how to breach just on stage during a regular act with your tight material. | ||
| Yeah, he was also very encouraging about it, where he would be... | ||
| When I did the show, I actually, at Moon Tower Comedy Festival, I did his show and I did this story about being in college and living with a weed dealer and getting robbed. | ||
| And I got off stage and he's like, listen, we're going to film in June, have it ready by then. | ||
| And so then I would just be on the road and work this story out in the middle of the act. | ||
| And it was so fun. | ||
| So fun learning how to, it really taught me how to write differently. | ||
| Yeah, it's an exercise in writing, and it's Ari's idea. | ||
| It was 100% created by Ari. | ||
| I watched it happen. | ||
| And it was a unique way to tell stories. | ||
| Like, he decided to put together theme-based shows and have people go up and fuck around with stories. | ||
| Like, you'd call me up, do you have any stories about drugs? | ||
| He would put on a drug show, and some of them didn't work, and some of them I pursued, and one of them I wound up doing on his show on YouTube. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| But the thing is, it didn't make any sense that they did that. | ||
| And when they did kick him off a show that I watched him create, a show that was uniquely suited to his personality, too. | ||
| Like, he had a passion for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like, okay, they're going downhill. | ||
| This is not good. | ||
| Yeah, I also think the streaming services kind of blew everyone up because they had such a way. | ||
| Cable had such a grab on it from the 90s. | ||
| They were like, where are you guys going to go? | ||
| They had that attitude at the end, like, where the fuck are you going to go? | ||
| And streaming was like, right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everyone's gonna go to streaming. | ||
| And now I can't imagine... | ||
| Appointment television now is fun when it happens. | ||
| Appointment is a great way to put it. | ||
| Appointment television. | ||
| Yeah, when you're like, Sunday night, I'm gonna sit down and watch this show and I'm gonna keep caught up with the show. | ||
| Because now most of the time you're like, did you watch the season of... | ||
| Now binging's normal. | ||
| DVR has changed everything, too. | ||
| DVR has changed it first, and then streaming and binging changed it. | ||
| I'm binging Yellowstone right now. | ||
| I know a lot of people love that. | ||
| It's fucking good, man. | ||
| I was a little skeptical. | ||
| Yeah, I'm watching that winning time. | ||
| But see, here's the thing about the Lakers show on HBO. They're doing episodes weekly, and I binged, and I think I'm about to hit. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| I told Jay, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I need more. | ||
| I need more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me the whole fucking season. | |
| I got that with Succession. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Succession's fucking awesome, and I got to the end. | ||
| I was like, no! | ||
| Yeah, you just wait for it. | ||
| To wait. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ozark is another one you gotta wait. | ||
| I gotta get into that. | ||
| That's the one I'm in next to. | ||
| That's my next. | ||
| Damn, it's good. | ||
| And I think the next ones that come out are the last ones. | ||
| I think they come out like next week, right? | ||
| Is that when Ozark comes out? | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| It's the end of the show. | ||
| You know it's gonna be fucking insane. | ||
| That's almost like a binge challenge. | ||
| You're like, can you get there next week? | ||
| And you're like, You want to. | ||
| You want to. | ||
| It's that good. | ||
| It's one of the best shows of all time. | ||
| I love Jason Bateman, too. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking amazing. | ||
| I gotta wrap this up, brother. | ||
| Tell everybody where you're gonna be, how they can find you. | ||
| Yeah, Winnipeg Rumors. | ||
| DanSoda.com. | ||
| I'm gonna be in Philly at Helium. | ||
| Gonna be in Tampa Bay at Sidesplitters. | ||
| I'm just on the road. | ||
| DanSoda.com. | ||
| Listen to The Bonfire. | ||
| Twitter. | ||
| SiriusXM Satellite Radio. | ||
| Me and Big J's show. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| My friend Bruce listens to that. | ||
| Yeah, we love doing the show. | ||
| It's on Faction Talk 103. Beautiful. | ||
| There's the schedule, Helium. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kankerug at Helium in Philly. | ||
| One of the greatest clubs of all time. | ||
| Oh my god, I love Philly. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Thank you, brother. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| We gotta do this more often. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
|
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100%. | |
| Yeah, very fun. | ||
| Do some shows together, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
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Alright. | |
| Bye, everybody. |
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