Protect Our Parks?
00:03:08
► 00:00:00
Yeah, they're back.
► 00:00:13
We're rolling, officially.
► 00:00:14
What?
► 00:00:15
Protect our parks.
► 00:00:16
It's here.
► 00:00:17
Holy hell.
► 00:00:18
Because we have one less.
► 00:00:19
It's time to protect our parks.
► 00:00:20
So from the time of Protect Our Parks, we officially have lost one park.
► 00:00:24
We have lost one park.
► 00:00:24
So we're not protecting shit.
► 00:00:26
We have done zero saving of parks.
► 00:00:28
Everyone says you have a big reach is wrong because you protected O for one parks.
► 00:00:32
It did nothing.
► 00:00:33
It became the opposite of a park.
► 00:00:36
They built a fucking jail on it.
► 00:00:38
They're going to.
► 00:00:38
They're going to jail?
► 00:00:39
I saw signs like, hey, we have to tear down the rest of it too.
► 00:00:42
But they're not jailing anybody.
► 00:00:44
That's a good point.
► 00:00:44
The thing about New York is they're letting everybody out.
► 00:00:46
They let some guy out for murder.
► 00:00:48
He just shot somebody and they let him out with no bail.
► 00:00:51
And everybody's like, what the fuck is going on?
► 00:00:53
Who'd he kill?
► 00:00:54
I don't know.
► 00:00:54
They arrested him for murder.
► 00:00:56
It was like this outrage article.
► 00:00:58
He'll beat up an Asian lady soon.
► 00:00:59
That seems to be the pattern.
► 00:01:01
I feel horrible for these women.
► 00:01:05
Quit hanging out outside prisons.
► 00:01:07
Yeah!
► 00:01:09
That's a wild take, right?
► 00:01:10
People that think that all Asians are responsible for COVID, so you just go up to Asians and punch them.
► 00:01:16
When it gets down to the lowest level reaction to a crisis, I see a lot of people today that are really pissed at Russian people, boycotting Russians.
► 00:01:27
There's some restaurant here.
► 00:01:29
They're not sending money back for the cause.
► 00:01:31
Russia house.
► 00:01:32
Cut the Russia off their name.
► 00:01:33
And now it just says house.
► 00:01:35
Remember when we made french fries into freedom fries?
► 00:01:38
And we're like, we're doing something.
► 00:01:39
We're fucking idiots.
► 00:01:41
What a dumb fucking place we left.
► 00:01:42
How about the dummies that pour their vodka down the toilet?
► 00:01:44
Like, hey, stupid, you already bought that.
► 00:01:46
They have your money.
► 00:01:47
How about have a free vodka party?
► 00:01:49
Give it to a refugee!
► 00:01:50
There you go.
► 00:01:51
I was in Salt Lake when it started and they had like a law, they were like, we're banning Russian vodka.
► 00:01:57
The club owner was like, what the fuck?
► 00:01:58
It's not state run.
► 00:01:59
This is all my money.
► 00:02:00
It's so dumb.
► 00:02:01
Exactly, I already bought it.
► 00:02:03
Yeah, what about Russian dressing?
► 00:02:05
Not only that, it's just fucking people.
► 00:02:07
Imagine if you're like some hardcore lefty communist and you sell something and then they say, oh America, America's bombed fucking Yemen.
► 00:02:17
We can't sell American products anymore, so your American products now are useless.
► 00:02:23
That doesn't make any sense.
► 00:02:24
You'd be like, what?
► 00:02:26
I'm Tom's of Maine, I give my head to homeless.
► 00:02:28
Exactly!
► 00:02:28
I'm Ben and Jerry, I'm a communist.
► 00:02:32
What the fuck are you talking about?
► 00:02:33
I'm a Jew with no sense of taste.
► 00:02:35
That communist flavor is pretty good though.
► 00:02:38
Ben& Jerry's, it's just vanilla.
► 00:02:43
What is a communist thing?
► 00:02:46
There was something there, but that wasn't it.
► 00:02:48
Let's punch that up.
► 00:02:49
What's a communist...
► 00:02:50
You can't report on the flavors right now.
UFO Sightings and Nuclear Facilities
00:02:26
► 00:02:53
They're all working together.
► 00:02:56
Yeah.
► 00:02:57
See, I don't know anything about communism.
► 00:03:00
So I couldn't write the joke.
► 00:03:01
It would have to be a joke where, like, you buy ice cream for everybody.
► 00:03:06
Talk to Yoko Smirnoff so he can come up with something for you.
► 00:03:09
In communist Russia, ice cream eat you.
► 00:03:11
That's right.
► 00:03:14
What are you doing?
► 00:03:15
How come my little sign isn't on?
► 00:03:18
It shorted out?
► 00:03:20
Oh, because it shorted a little bit.
► 00:03:22
I was pressing buttons, but it was changing the color of the UFO. I'm a child.
► 00:03:28
You love aliens.
► 00:03:29
Gadgets.
► 00:03:30
I'm obsessed.
► 00:03:31
Not illegal.
► 00:03:32
I'm obsessed with aliens.
► 00:03:33
I like them too.
► 00:03:35
Well, I was obsessed with alien aliens from other planets.
► 00:03:39
Yeah.
► 00:03:39
What's going on with them?
► 00:03:40
I think if Russia starts launching nukes, I think they'll probably show up.
► 00:03:45
Yeah.
► 00:03:45
Hey, aliens.
► 00:03:46
That's a wrap.
► 00:03:46
It's time.
► 00:03:47
Yeah.
► 00:03:47
You guys fucked this up.
► 00:03:49
We've been observing for too long.
► 00:03:50
We've got to step in.
► 00:03:51
They saw it the first time and they were like, well, the Japanese had it coming.
► 00:03:54
I saw the first one go off, and they were like, nice.
► 00:03:56
They're closest to us, so let it happen.
► 00:03:58
That's when there was the big uptick in UFO sightings.
► 00:04:01
That's when it all started.
► 00:04:02
What?
► 00:04:03
It was after Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
► 00:04:04
What do you mean?
► 00:04:05
That's when all the UFO sightings started happening.
► 00:04:08
That's Roswell, New Mexico.
► 00:04:09
That's the ones over D.C. All the big UFO sightings happened after the nuclear bombs.
► 00:04:14
What's the connection?
► 00:04:16
The thought in the conspiracy, the crazy people, like who knows what they're really seeing, right?
► 00:04:20
They could be all full of shit or crazy.
► 00:04:22
But the thought is that the aliens are coming to observe because they realize we now have nuclear weapons.
► 00:04:27
So they've decided to make a trip to Earth to see what these fucking crazy monkeys with nuclear weapons or territorial, what they're up to.
► 00:04:35
Weren't they having sightings at missile silos and shit?
► 00:04:39
Not just sightings, but they shut down nuclear facilities, like nuclear weapons facilities.
► 00:04:46
They shut them down.
► 00:04:48
They shut their computers off.
► 00:04:49
Because they're going to come get it.
► 00:04:51
I think they're basically letting you know, like, watch what we can do.
► 00:04:54
We'll just shut off all your power.
► 00:04:56
The aliens, man.
► 00:04:57
Yeah, hover over your facility, shut everything down.
► 00:05:01
But who knows if it's true?
► 00:05:03
You know, unless you're there.
► 00:05:04
Oh, it's true.
Humiliating Moments
00:13:17
► 00:05:05
Unless you're there.
► 00:05:06
I mean, there's some things that I've seen, some videos that I've seen that are fucking wild, like the fighter pilot videos where they're watching this thing move at insane rates of speed.
► 00:05:15
Oh, yeah.
► 00:05:15
I saw that.
► 00:05:15
But other than that...
► 00:05:16
That was Tony's career.
► 00:05:17
Who knows?
► 00:05:17
I... Your solo's taking off, though.
► 00:05:20
It's a compliment.
► 00:05:20
It's doing well.
► 00:05:22
The cattle mutilations, they never solved it.
► 00:05:23
It's complimenting Tony's career.
► 00:05:25
Cut it out.
► 00:05:25
I knew you were going to come on here and be a nasty son of a bitch with your fucking bad suit.
► 00:05:31
You look like the diddler.
► 00:05:32
I can't believe that suit wasn't the diddler.
► 00:05:35
You look like a Jewish pedophile.
► 00:05:36
Hey, kids, you want to buy some candy?
► 00:05:38
You mean a Jew?
► 00:05:39
You mean pedophile?
► 00:05:40
I can't believe that suit just fits you perfectly, and you found it at a thrift store.
► 00:05:44
Thrift store in New Orleans.
► 00:05:46
It's perfect for you.
► 00:05:47
It's like the exact size, and you're in odd shape.
► 00:05:50
You had to get that tailored, come on.
► 00:05:52
Zip.
► 00:05:52
I go to a tailor, not this one.
► 00:05:54
Zip.
► 00:05:55
I wore it on stage in New Orleans.
► 00:05:57
I tried it off, and I'm like, oh yeah, I gotta do something special for you guys.
► 00:05:58
Wait, what show?
► 00:05:59
A couple years ago.
► 00:06:01
Oh, okay.
► 00:06:01
Oh, this is old.
► 00:06:02
It's like two years old.
► 00:06:04
Oh, I thought you just got it.
► 00:06:05
Right before COVID. I had to bring something to the Comedy Story anniversary.
► 00:06:07
He actually hung on to that suit.
► 00:06:09
Yeah.
► 00:06:10
It cost me 60 bucks.
► 00:06:12
I'm not made of money.
► 00:06:13
That's even past what Stanhope would wear.
► 00:06:15
That's beyond.
► 00:06:16
Yeah.
► 00:06:16
Stanhope would have different pants.
► 00:06:18
He'd have pants that didn't match.
► 00:06:20
It's like a rich, quick suit.
► 00:06:22
Remember that guy, Matthew Letzko?
► 00:06:24
With the riddles?
► 00:06:26
Oh, that's right.
► 00:06:27
What's he doing now?
► 00:06:28
Why has he not been on this podcast?
► 00:06:30
Oh, yeah!
► 00:06:31
Get him on!
► 00:06:32
When are you going to stop working for the state?
► 00:06:33
He's probably rich as hell.
► 00:06:34
Get this guy on.
► 00:06:35
Probably.
► 00:06:35
I think my time for the state is almost up.
► 00:06:37
I have a couple more years I have to put in.
► 00:06:39
Him and that Asian guy on the boat.
► 00:06:40
Remember that Asian guy?
► 00:06:41
Like, you want to be rich like me?
► 00:06:43
With all the women around?
► 00:06:44
Yeah, I've got pussy for days.
► 00:06:46
Fuck, I don't remember that.
► 00:06:47
What was his name?
► 00:06:47
Oh, there he is.
► 00:06:48
Oh, there's Ari!
► 00:06:50
It's been two years with a better hair.
► 00:06:52
Matthew Lesko.
► 00:06:54
Lesko!
► 00:06:55
Yeah, let's go, let's go.
► 00:06:56
Where's he today?
► 00:06:56
Free money.
► 00:06:57
There's free money out there.
► 00:06:58
There's Grants.
► 00:06:59
This guy was big.
► 00:07:00
There's Grants.
► 00:07:01
I wrote the book on it.
► 00:07:01
Do you think he's poor now?
► 00:07:03
Oh, yeah.
► 00:07:04
No way.
► 00:07:04
I think he's got a house.
► 00:07:06
He's probably dead.
► 00:07:07
How long ago was this?
► 00:07:08
Yeah, let's find out.
► 00:07:09
When this infomercial came on, it was, like, exciting.
► 00:07:12
I thought about doing it.
► 00:07:14
Where is he?
► 00:07:15
Where is he, Ari?
► 00:07:16
What do you mean?
► 00:07:17
Find him.
► 00:07:17
He's 78 years old.
► 00:07:18
He's on YouTube now.
► 00:07:19
All right, let's click on his YouTube channel.
► 00:07:21
Instagram.
► 00:07:22
Oh, my goodness.
► 00:07:23
Wow.
► 00:07:23
He's got an Instagram post.
► 00:07:24
4,000 followers!
► 00:07:26
He looks rough.
► 00:07:27
Oh, he's gone trans.
► 00:07:29
Mortgage payments.
► 00:07:30
But look at this.
► 00:07:31
It also includes utility payments, homeowner insurance payments, property taxes.
► 00:07:36
What do you think, Jewish over under?
► 00:07:38
Internet!
► 00:07:39
I think 98%.
► 00:07:40
You tell me.
► 00:07:42
So he doesn't have any followers.
► 00:07:44
He looks like the Queen of Mean.
► 00:07:45
He's like a gay David Lynch.
► 00:07:48
Who's the Queen of Mean?
► 00:07:50
But I don't remember her name anymore.
► 00:07:51
Lampanelli?
► 00:07:52
Yeah.
► 00:07:52
Lampanelli.
► 00:07:53
He looks a lot like thin Lampanelli.
► 00:07:55
Didn't she retire?
► 00:07:56
Yeah.
► 00:07:57
Lampanelli retired from the video that went around of her having a meltdown.
► 00:08:00
It was very strange.
► 00:08:01
That was bad.
► 00:08:03
Somebody's heckling her and she got real serious.
► 00:08:05
She snapped on stage.
► 00:08:07
Not even an event center.
► 00:08:09
Town Hall or something.
► 00:08:10
Whatever it was, she was angry.
► 00:08:12
Like, you know, where a comic crosses that line, like, I don't need this!
► 00:08:16
I don't need that shit!
► 00:08:17
The Michael Richards effect.
► 00:08:20
There's something about that line.
► 00:08:23
Like, when Will Smith slapped Chris Rock, Chris Rock talked to Will Smith, and then he went back to the script.
► 00:08:31
When he went back to the script, it was like, oh, this is wild, because you're watching one of the best comics in the world.
► 00:08:36
Bomb.
► 00:08:37
Because that's bomb.
► 00:08:38
He has to bomb.
► 00:08:40
With that one joke, he bombed.
► 00:08:41
Because he's in an impossible situation.
► 00:08:43
There's no way anyone's just going to transition to the fact that you're doing a documentary.
► 00:08:49
We all just saw that.
► 00:08:51
It's like if a waitress drops a tray of drinks and you're like...
► 00:08:53
And then later at the supermarket, I was like, what's wrong with you?
► 00:08:57
I mean, think about him, though, like, getting slapped, and literally no one does anything.
► 00:09:00
No one does anything.
► 00:09:02
No security.
► 00:09:03
It's like a funny bone.
► 00:09:03
Staring at you, it's terrifying.
► 00:09:05
I mean, they kind of seep in, too, that's like, hey, you know how you're in Hollywood?
► 00:09:08
You're not.
► 00:09:09
That guy's in Hollywood.
► 00:09:10
Yeah, true.
► 00:09:10
You're a visitor.
► 00:09:11
You're a comic.
► 00:09:12
Yeah, we don't support you as much as we support them.
► 00:09:14
Well, they don't even support him.
► 00:09:15
They just were...
► 00:09:17
Lost sheep without a shepherd, like, oh, what is happening here?
► 00:09:20
I mean, I wouldn't have done anything.
► 00:09:21
I would have been sitting there like, yo, holy shit.
► 00:09:24
That was crazy.
► 00:09:25
Well, how about the fact that they gave him a standing ovation later when he went up to talk and he actually accepted an award after assault and he gets a standing ovation.
► 00:09:35
And no one's even going, like, kind of sitting down going, like, what?
► 00:09:37
No one in the crowd is going, I don't know.
► 00:09:40
No, they clap.
► 00:09:41
They're fucking sheep.
► 00:09:42
He just hopped on board.
► 00:09:44
He just hopped on board.
► 00:09:44
I think if it wasn't black on black, it would have been different.
► 00:09:47
Different, more fun.
► 00:09:49
Oh yeah, if it was like a white guy slapped Chris Rock?
► 00:09:51
Oh my god.
► 00:09:52
No, no, no.
► 00:09:52
If they're both white.
► 00:09:54
What if Chris Pratt went up and slapped Chris Rock?
► 00:09:56
Wow.
► 00:09:57
Could you imagine?
► 00:09:58
What if it was Danny DeVito?
► 00:09:59
Could you imagine?
► 00:10:00
Yeah.
► 00:10:01
No, it would have to be someone big like Will Smith.
► 00:10:03
Will Smith's a big guy.
► 00:10:04
Oh yeah.
► 00:10:05
If Chris Pratt did it, he's done.
► 00:10:07
Oh my god.
► 00:10:08
No, he's definitely not getting an award later.
► 00:10:10
You gotta claim drugs.
► 00:10:12
You gotta say pills.
► 00:10:13
That's the only chance.
► 00:10:14
Turn trans.
► 00:10:15
Ooh, that's not bad.
► 00:10:16
You gotta go non-binary.
► 00:10:17
Yeah, pick up swimming.
► 00:10:18
I still think it would've been...
► 00:10:22
It would have been different if, first of all, Will Smith's in the front row and there's no stage.
► 00:10:27
If he had to shimmy out of the fifth row, I think it would have been a different dynamic.
► 00:10:32
If it was like, Will Smith, come on down.
► 00:10:34
Even then, everybody would have thought he was doing a bit.
► 00:10:38
I thought it was a bit.
► 00:10:39
Chris Rock thought it was.
► 00:10:40
When he walked out, Chris Rock was like, oh, here it comes.
► 00:10:42
He had to be.
► 00:10:43
That's the only plausible explanation.
► 00:10:45
He didn't hit him that hard.
► 00:10:47
And when you watch how he hit him, he switched legs.
► 00:10:50
So he threw a punch and actually switched legs.
► 00:10:52
So it was like he was doing a pro wrestling slap.
► 00:10:56
No.
► 00:10:56
Golf expert, weigh in.
► 00:10:57
He picked that right leg up, which is what you end up picking up.
► 00:11:01
Golf expert, bitch.
► 00:11:02
I know how to slap people.
► 00:11:03
Hey, I'll take that.
► 00:11:04
I have a machine out back.
► 00:11:06
I will show you that you slap like a bitch.
► 00:11:09
It'll register that your technique is terrible.
► 00:11:11
When you slap somebody, if you slap someone, it's no different than punching someone.
► 00:11:15
You want this foot to be planted.
► 00:11:17
This foot's planted and you fucking turn into it and smack someone.
► 00:11:20
Like when you watch those guys, they stand across the table and they KO each other with the slaps and the powder goes flying.
► 00:11:26
That is so ridiculous.
► 00:11:27
Some guys get knocked out with those slaps.
► 00:11:30
Well, you're getting slapped as full blast, and if someone hits you with the palm of their hand, you can do something with the palm of your hand that you can't do with your knuckles.
► 00:11:38
Like, I could do that and it doesn't hurt at all.
► 00:11:39
But if I did that that hard with my knuckles, it would fucking hurt.
► 00:11:43
Stay shut by talking about this down.
► 00:11:45
Like, a little bit further down than that.
► 00:11:46
He hit him with this stuff.
► 00:11:48
He hit him with this stuff.
► 00:11:49
That's what he hit him with.
► 00:11:50
And he didn't hit him.
► 00:11:51
Watch.
► 00:11:51
Let's watch.
► 00:11:51
His mic is right on his bow tie, too, so it sounds louder.
► 00:11:54
Let's watch it.
► 00:11:55
Watch how he does it.
► 00:11:58
Watch the left leg switches and then the right leg goes forward.
► 00:12:03
That was pretty good.
► 00:12:04
That was as much as I thought.
► 00:12:07
I think I have a false memory.
► 00:12:08
There's black people, and there's Will Smith.
► 00:12:11
A little bit of a ship.
► 00:12:13
Oh, you know what it is?
► 00:12:14
Slippery shoes.
► 00:12:15
That's what it is.
► 00:12:16
Slippery shoes.
► 00:12:17
And a tuxedo doesn't help.
► 00:12:18
But it's definitely not hitting them hard.
► 00:12:21
He's hitting them with the fingertips.
► 00:12:23
Watch with the impact.
► 00:12:24
Let's check the impact.
► 00:12:25
It's so dainty.
► 00:12:27
Yeah, see, that's where you see the little switch of the legs.
► 00:12:30
But he's hitting them with the tips of the fingers.
► 00:12:32
It's really not much.
► 00:12:33
Kevin Clancy at KFC Radio, he said that that's a Scientology thing.
► 00:12:38
That's what I heard.
► 00:12:38
They teach you how to slap to get support for yourself if you're being embarrassed.
► 00:12:42
So Chris Brown is a Scientologist?
► 00:12:43
They teach you how to slap.
► 00:12:45
All right.
► 00:12:45
Are you serious?
► 00:12:46
Yeah.
► 00:12:47
No.
► 00:12:47
Yeah.
► 00:12:47
Wait a minute.
► 00:12:48
You're serious?
► 00:12:48
Yeah.
► 00:12:49
Explain.
► 00:12:49
Not research, but real theory.
► 00:12:51
Well, I love it.
► 00:12:51
In Scientology.
► 00:12:52
I love a good no research statement.
► 00:12:56
They teach you how to slap somebody if they give you an offense.
► 00:12:59
That is one of the things to get.
► 00:12:59
What?
► 00:13:01
Not to punch, because you don't want to get in a physical fight, but to slap.
► 00:13:03
It's humiliating.
► 00:13:04
To get your offense taken care of.
► 00:13:06
Getting slapped is humiliating.
► 00:13:07
Yeah.
► 00:13:07
I would have given the Scientology slap.
► 00:13:09
It's not meant to hurt.
► 00:13:11
That's a Scientology slap.
► 00:13:12
That's the theory.
► 00:13:13
Yeah.
► 00:13:14
But is this a theory by someone who had this theory before Will Smith smacked Chris Ross?
► 00:13:19
Give it a googie.
► 00:13:20
A whole Twitter thread about it.
► 00:13:20
Okay, look at this.
► 00:13:21
The slap is much less interesting when you realize that Will Smith almost certainly went through the Scientology courses that teach you to unapologetically use slaps and physical force to let a fellow Scientologist know they've done something wrong.
► 00:13:35
Holy shit, how's that much less interesting?
► 00:13:37
That makes it more interesting.
► 00:13:39
Yeah.
► 00:13:39
Why does that make it much less interesting, Max Burns?
► 00:13:43
There's a Scientology course, I guess you'd call it, that involves slapping, physically humiliating fellow Scientologists in a group setting as a means of exerting superiority.
► 00:13:54
It is remarkably common within the cult.
► 00:13:57
Wow!
► 00:13:58
Tom Cruise does a similar thing, but his preferred method is shouting an intense personal intimidation Of movie crews.
► 00:14:05
And jumping on a couch.
► 00:14:07
Scientologists, he feels, aren't fulfilling the KSW ideology, etc.
► 00:14:13
It's rare that you see the physical side of it in so public a form.
► 00:14:16
But is Smith a Scientologist?
► 00:14:19
Yeah, oh yeah.
► 00:14:20
Is he 100%?
► 00:14:21
Oh yeah, he's big in.
► 00:14:22
Cruz, Smith, Brooke Shields, Travolta.
► 00:14:25
Let's Google that.
► 00:14:25
I know Travolta is.
► 00:14:26
Let's Google whether Will Smith is actually a Scientist.
► 00:14:29
Beck is?
► 00:14:29
Beck is, yeah.
► 00:14:31
Juliette Lewis is.
► 00:14:32
What?
► 00:14:32
Juliette Lewis?
► 00:14:33
She seems cool.
► 00:14:34
There's some good eggs in there.
► 00:14:35
Yeah, she's a great egg.
► 00:14:36
I love her.
► 00:14:36
The ones that are raised in it are cool.
► 00:14:38
I fucking love her.
► 00:14:39
Yeah, I like her too.
► 00:14:40
She's a badass musician.
► 00:14:41
You ever see her sing?
► 00:14:42
What?
► 00:14:42
No.
► 00:14:43
She's fucking incredible.
► 00:14:45
Why Will and Jada are the worst.
► 00:14:46
Oh, God.
► 00:14:49
Where is that?
► 00:14:49
Fucking first thing that's New York Post.
► 00:14:53
By the way, that's in 2021!
► 00:14:54
That's way before.
► 00:14:56
Nothing to do with this.
► 00:14:57
That's red table shit.
► 00:14:58
Willow and Jaden attempted Smith's short-lived school.
► 00:15:01
Oh, that's right.
► 00:15:02
They had a school for a while.
► 00:15:03
Widely believed to be a center of Scientology called the New Village Leadership.
► 00:15:08
Yikes.
► 00:15:09
Hollywood's totally normal.
► 00:15:10
Everybody there, you should definitely take the word for everything.
► 00:15:12
For everything.
► 00:15:13
Oh, yeah.
► 00:15:13
They're the trendsetters.
► 00:15:15
They're the reason why I'm alive.
► 00:15:17
What a garbage place.
► 00:15:18
Without...
► 00:15:18
No, no.
► 00:15:19
Sorry.
► 00:15:19
What are you saying?
► 00:15:20
I take it back.
► 00:15:20
The other way.
► 00:15:21
What?
► 00:15:21
The other way.
► 00:15:22
What a great place.
► 00:15:23
I was told today that...
► 00:15:24
Why is it garbage?
► 00:15:24
It's my favorite place.
► 00:15:25
I was told today that...
► 00:15:26
I just don't feel like I'm good enough, so I had to leave.
► 00:15:28
Jada...
► 00:15:29
That's fair.
► 00:15:29
Their open relationship was just for her.
► 00:15:31
Of course it was.
► 00:15:32
Will Smith has attempted to combat Scientology claims over the years, making it clear that he and his wife Jada Pinkett are not a part of Scientology.
► 00:15:46
So fuck off, Ari.
► 00:15:47
Oh, I thought he was.
► 00:15:49
Ari's filled with misinformation.
► 00:15:51
Max Burns!
► 00:15:51
What about Max Burns?
► 00:15:52
I was with you.
► 00:15:53
Max Burns is on heroin.
► 00:15:56
He's just making things up.
► 00:15:59
Max Burns is on heroin.
► 00:16:00
He's just making things up.
► 00:16:02
He's in a fog of fentanyl.
► 00:16:04
He has no idea what he's saying.
► 00:16:07
Will Smith is a good guy and he's not a Scientologist.
► 00:16:10
Yeah.
► 00:16:10
There you go.
► 00:16:11
Yeah, Ari.
► 00:16:13
Yeah, alright.
► 00:16:14
I'll think about that.
► 00:16:15
You guys love controlling the narrative, don't you?
► 00:16:17
Oh, we love it.
► 00:16:18
We love it, dude.
► 00:16:19
If your wife, like, openly is in a public, sort of open relationship, you have to be more reserved than a regular guy.
► 00:16:29
Can you imagine?
► 00:16:30
You gotta be more, you gotta be like, it is what it is.
► 00:16:33
You gotta be that guy with everything.
► 00:16:35
Right?
► 00:16:36
You can't be like Mr. Snap at the fucking slightest.
► 00:16:40
Yeah, you have to be above everything.
► 00:16:41
Because your wife's getting fucked by other people.
► 00:16:43
You have to be so cool.
► 00:16:45
You should be cool.
► 00:16:46
You're like, nah.
► 00:16:47
That's just sex.
► 00:16:49
I got alopecia too, I guess.
► 00:16:50
I do too.
► 00:16:51
I got her in my beard.
► 00:16:52
I don't understand why she has full stubble.
► 00:16:54
Like her head looks great.
► 00:16:56
She shaved it.
► 00:16:56
But when it's stubble, it's growing back.
► 00:16:58
There's hair.
► 00:16:59
I think she shaves it so she can't pull it out.
► 00:17:03
Oh, when she gets crazy?
► 00:17:04
Yeah.
► 00:17:05
It's hard having your fucking...
► 00:17:06
Maybe when she beats Will up, you can't grab her hair.
► 00:17:10
And they'll fight back.
► 00:17:12
I don't think the black ladies like the hair pulling.
► 00:17:15
I've had sex with a couple, and the hair stuff didn't go well.
► 00:17:18
It's not tied in that tight.
► 00:17:19
Yeah, I tempted it like that.
► 00:17:20
Go careful.
► 00:17:21
Yeah, you don't want to pull a wig off.
► 00:17:22
Oh, true.
► 00:17:23
Yeah, it could have been a wig.
► 00:17:23
It was braids.
► 00:17:24
Oh.
► 00:17:25
So I thought it was pullable.
► 00:17:27
So you tried some white girl shit on a black lady?
► 00:17:29
Yes.
► 00:17:29
Yeah, don't do that.
► 00:17:30
Oh, okay.
► 00:17:31
Know your role.
► 00:17:32
I guess so.
► 00:17:35
Turn a Laquisha into a Becky.
► 00:17:37
Ooh.
► 00:17:38
A Laquisha into a Becky.
► 00:17:39
Laquisha?
► 00:17:40
There's no other- There's gotta be a couple McRishas kicking around.
► 00:17:44
Isn't it funny that there's no other word like a Karen?
► 00:17:47
Like, Karen is like, there's no- I guess it's Chad for white guys, but it doesn't really work.
► 00:17:52
Nothing.
► 00:17:52
Karen is like locked down.
► 00:17:53
Karen, they get mad about Karen now.
► 00:17:55
That's fighting words now to them.
► 00:17:57
Yeah.
► 00:17:57
And if your fucking name is Karen, like, you've been Karen your whole life until about six, seven years ago, it all fell apart on you.
► 00:18:03
What if you're a black woman named Karen?
► 00:18:05
That's even weirder.
► 00:18:06
You gotta just deal with that.
Famous Black Karens?
00:11:50
► 00:18:08
At least nobody's...
► 00:18:08
Do you know any?
► 00:18:10
There's gotta be a black Karen.
► 00:18:11
There's gotta be a few.
► 00:18:12
Yeah.
► 00:18:12
Pull it up, J-Mo.
► 00:18:13
Type in black Karen.
► 00:18:15
How about famous black Karens?
► 00:18:16
Is there famous black Karens?
► 00:18:17
Jada Pinkett Smith?
► 00:18:18
Yeah.
► 00:18:19
No, I don't know.
► 00:18:19
His name's Jada.
► 00:18:20
Oh.
► 00:18:21
Jada.
► 00:18:21
In real life.
► 00:18:22
Different name.
► 00:18:23
What a wild fucking thing.
► 00:18:25
It's a wild thing.
► 00:18:26
It's so crazy that the more time goes on, the less I can believe it actually happened.
► 00:18:31
You know what I don't like, too?
► 00:18:31
It seems more nuts.
► 00:18:32
You see day one, it was how dare Will Smith.
► 00:18:36
There's all the People magazine, how dare Will Smith do this, you know, violence.
► 00:18:40
And then day two, the publicist took over, and then it's this man fiercely defended his wife.
► 00:18:45
Like, you could just tell the publicist, we've got to spin this somehow.
► 00:18:47
But that's just telling Chris Rock under the bus even more.
► 00:18:51
Ticket prices went up 400%.
► 00:18:52
Yeah, his ticket prices went through the roof.
► 00:18:54
How's that possible, 400%?
► 00:18:56
That's what the headline is.
► 00:18:57
I know, I've heard that.
► 00:18:58
Why is that hard?
► 00:18:59
Because he would have to be sold out now and be at 20% sold before.
► 00:19:03
No, dummy.
► 00:19:04
No, the price.
► 00:19:05
If he sells 100 tickets a day, now he's selling 400 tickets a day.
► 00:19:09
Tickets went up per day.
► 00:19:10
I thought you said the price went up.
► 00:19:12
Yeah.
► 00:19:12
Oh, his price went up 400%?
► 00:19:14
Price went up.
► 00:19:14
Oh, that's crazy.
► 00:19:15
He just charged five times as much?
► 00:19:17
Yeah, but ticket was $50.
► 00:19:18
Now it's $450.
► 00:19:20
$250.
► 00:19:21
Oh, that's weird.
► 00:19:23
That's weird.
► 00:19:23
That's true.
► 00:19:24
Charge more?
► 00:19:24
Really?
► 00:19:25
Yeah, yeah.
► 00:19:25
So the agents get their slimy little paws all over the situation.
► 00:19:29
Ticket price went up 400%.
► 00:19:30
And people are dying to see it.
► 00:19:31
Oh, I thought his ticket sales...
► 00:19:33
I know his ticket sales have gone crazy.
► 00:19:34
Ticket sales per day.
► 00:19:35
Both went up.
► 00:19:37
They said he moved more tickets in a few days after the Oscars than a whole month.
► 00:19:41
You know what's the best?
► 00:19:42
Him not saying anything, we all wanted him to say something, but him not saying anything allowed the internet to say, we'll take it over for you, dude.
► 00:19:49
He also was close.
► 00:19:51
He was close.
► 00:19:52
He had that one moment where he was like, ooh, I couldn't.
► 00:19:54
He even says it.
► 00:19:55
He's like, yeah, right after he got slapped, he's like, it was just a joke.
► 00:19:57
He's like, shut up about my wife.
► 00:19:59
Yeah.
► 00:20:00
He goes, ooh.
► 00:20:01
But the way he said it, it's such a crazy meltdown.
► 00:20:07
Like, you see his face when his lips are quivering.
► 00:20:10
Leave my wife's name out of your fucking mouth!
► 00:20:14
It's like, whoa!
► 00:20:16
Yeah.
► 00:20:16
And the weird thing, he wasn't even saying, out of your.
► 00:20:18
He goes, out your mouth.
► 00:20:19
Like, he's invoking ghetto black culture when he's being violent, because that's what he thinks violence is.
► 00:20:24
Ghetto black.
► 00:20:24
He's playing a role.
► 00:20:25
He's playing a role of a guy who can just slap people.
► 00:20:28
I'm kind of jealous of that.
► 00:20:29
Yeah.
► 00:20:30
Like, I wish I was that fucking nuts.
► 00:20:31
Things were coming from this marketplace, just so you know.
► 00:20:34
Oh, is that one of them things where...
► 00:20:36
They said they sold more than I imagined.
► 00:20:38
Oh, there you go.
► 00:20:39
We sold more tickets to Chris Rock overnight than we did in the past month combined.
► 00:20:42
Had increased to 411. That's way more than 40%.
► 00:20:45
That's what's crazy.
► 00:20:46
The cheapest tickets were sold.
► 00:20:48
But is that...
► 00:20:48
Oh, resale.
► 00:20:49
It's all resale.
► 00:20:50
Oh, okay.
► 00:20:52
So it's not agents that got the greasy hands on it.
► 00:20:55
It's all those fucking scalpers.
► 00:20:56
Yeah.
► 00:20:57
They do that, man.
► 00:20:57
There's nothing you can do about that.
► 00:20:58
I hate it.
► 00:20:59
People are like, how come a ticket for $300?
► 00:21:00
I'm like, it's not even sold out.
► 00:21:02
Go to my website.
► 00:21:03
Don't do that.
► 00:21:05
I mean, right now, I'm doing Vegas soon, so today my tickets went on pre-sale.
► 00:21:10
And I have a pre-sale password, so you have to do all the registering and everything to do all that.
► 00:21:15
But still, people still buy tickets and resell them for shitloads of money.
► 00:21:19
There's not much you can do about it.
► 00:21:20
They get idiots.
► 00:21:21
They don't even know it's not sold out.
► 00:21:23
Louie used to do a great thing at the store.
► 00:21:25
He used to make everybody pay cash, and you had to line up the day of the show.
► 00:21:29
Yeah, you could only buy two tickets at a time.
► 00:21:31
Only buy two tickets.
► 00:21:32
Four.
► 00:21:32
No surcharge, no fees.
► 00:21:34
And you had to pay in cash.
► 00:21:36
I mean, we and the door guys made a lot of money off that.
► 00:21:38
Yeah.
► 00:21:39
A lot of them and, like, triple price.
► 00:21:41
Like, who wants them?
► 00:21:42
Really?
► 00:21:42
We know there's going to be a line.
► 00:21:43
Who wants them?
► 00:21:44
Really?
► 00:21:44
Oh, yeah.
► 00:21:45
Because we fucked up when Rob Williams came, we realized we should have.
► 00:21:48
And then we ended up having Louie, like, I got 40 bucks on me.
► 00:21:50
They used to get big tips to give people booths, right?
► 00:21:54
The booth was a big thing.
► 00:21:56
Not in my day.
► 00:21:57
Kinnison's day and then five years ago.
► 00:22:00
Oh, really?
► 00:22:00
When I was a door guy, it was like, please give me a dollar.
► 00:22:05
Nobody would give you any money for the booth?
► 00:22:07
Occasionally on weekends, New Year's Eve was good.
► 00:22:09
You can make like a hundred bucks on New Year's Eve.
► 00:22:11
Isn't it funny how the store goes through cycles?
► 00:22:13
It always has.
► 00:22:14
It goes through these cycles.
► 00:22:15
When I was back last weekend, man, it felt like a normal weekend at the store.
► 00:22:20
It was mobbed.
► 00:22:21
Really?
► 00:22:21
It was mobbed.
► 00:22:22
Everybody was hanging out.
► 00:22:23
It was really fun.
► 00:22:24
Yeah.
► 00:22:25
Really fucking fun.
► 00:22:25
Well, that's just comedy.
► 00:22:26
Comedy goes in waves.
► 00:22:27
Yeah?
► 00:22:27
Yeah.
► 00:22:28
I guess, but the store really goes in waves.
► 00:22:31
Yeah.
► 00:22:31
The store was hot when Kinnison was there.
► 00:22:34
When I came there in 94, there was fucking nobody there.
► 00:22:36
It was weird.
► 00:22:37
It was like half-filled crowds.
► 00:22:38
It was dead.
► 00:22:38
We wouldn't start the show.
► 00:22:40
Tuesday night, it'd be like 9 o'clock show by 10.30.
► 00:22:42
We'd be like, should we call it?
► 00:22:43
There's no one in here.
► 00:22:44
What year did you start?
► 00:22:45
99. And it was bad.
► 00:22:47
It was bad.
► 00:22:49
It was bad until like 2002. It was starting to get better in the 90s.
► 00:22:54
Then it was okay.
► 00:22:55
And then 2002, it was getting pretty good.
► 00:22:58
Then 2003 and 2004, it really got rocking.
► 00:23:02
It was still so-so.
► 00:23:03
No, it was rockin', 2004, 2005, yeah, up until 2007, then I got banned, but the real comeback was 2014, when you did your special, and then I came back, and then Diaz came back, and then Duncan and everybody came back, and then it was mobbed every night.
► 00:23:23
Shortly after, or maybe right before, no, shortly after, eBay took over.
► 00:23:27
Oh, Adam.
► 00:23:28
Yeah.
► 00:23:28
He was up before that, though.
► 00:23:30
He's one of the guys who got me there.
► 00:23:31
Because he came to the improv when I was headlining at the improv.
► 00:23:34
He goes, well, we'd really like to have you back at the store.
► 00:23:36
I was like, fuck Tommy.
► 00:23:37
But Tommy was still there.
► 00:23:38
He was like, Tommy's fired.
► 00:23:40
And I was like, oh.
► 00:23:41
And then Ari was doing his special.
► 00:23:44
Tommy was still there when he did my special, wasn't he?
► 00:23:45
No.
► 00:23:46
I thought he was still there.
► 00:23:47
He was gone, buddy.
► 00:23:49
Damn, I don't remember that at all.
► 00:23:50
He was gone, 100%.
► 00:23:50
Because I came after that.
► 00:23:54
I came after he'd been fired.
► 00:23:55
And then it was just game on.
► 00:23:57
That's when it blew up.
► 00:23:58
That's when it blew up.
► 00:23:59
Because that's when it was just like, holy shit.
► 00:24:01
You think that was podcasting?
► 00:24:03
100%.
► 00:24:03
100%.
► 00:24:04
We always talked about it when we were doing the podcast from his fucking living room.
► 00:24:08
We'd always talk about crazy stories in the store.
► 00:24:10
We built it up when I was gone.
► 00:24:10
And it was like, what is this place?
► 00:24:11
Yeah, when he wasn't even there.
► 00:24:13
We built it up when I wasn't even going there.
► 00:24:15
And then when I came back, it just exploded.
► 00:24:17
We'd have stories of, like, Brett Ernst and stuff, and people are like, who are these mythical, like, people?
► 00:24:21
And then they would go show up.
► 00:24:23
The same as, like, Louis doing his, like, intro from the cellar.
► 00:24:26
People are like, I guess that's the place to go.
► 00:24:27
Right.
► 00:24:28
You know, but way more so with this, because it's constant stories.
► 00:24:31
Yeah, the thing about the internet is, man, when people find out about a cool place like that, and they go and actually have the experience, and they tell their friends, like, oh my god, we saw this guy and that guy and Sebastian, and fucking...
► 00:24:42
Santino.
► 00:24:42
It's just like, it's having a place that you could go where you're gonna have a good time.
► 00:24:46
You're gonna have a good time.
► 00:24:47
How about fucking last night?
► 00:24:49
What a goddamn lineup.
► 00:24:50
Hell of a shit was it.
► 00:24:51
Hans Kim, Ron White, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me.
► 00:24:57
Chaos!
► 00:24:58
Yeah, it was a good one.
► 00:24:59
Hot crowd, too.
► 00:25:00
Fucking crowd was amazing!
► 00:25:01
What'd you do, two hours?
► 00:25:03
Three and a half?
► 00:25:03
Hour and 40 minutes.
► 00:25:04
Holy shit!
► 00:25:05
The Q&A is my favorite part.
► 00:25:08
I was hammered, too.
► 00:25:09
The Q&A, he'll get fucked up, and people will ask a question, and sometimes it goes well, but every once in a while I'll be like, what kind of question is that, motherfucker?
► 00:25:15
He's like, ask anything!
► 00:25:16
You can literally watch someone just...
► 00:25:18
Get their whole world...
► 00:25:20
Shattered.
► 00:25:21
I'm here to see Joe Rogan.
► 00:25:21
This is going to be so cool.
► 00:25:22
It's like, uh, Joe...
► 00:25:23
What's your favorite ice cream?
► 00:25:25
Yeah, you're like, shut up, pussy.
► 00:25:26
I'll fuck your mother.
► 00:25:27
And he's like, uh...
► 00:25:29
I was told you wanted questions.
► 00:25:31
I didn't know we could do that.
► 00:25:32
You didn't say that.
► 00:25:33
I've done Q&As.
► 00:25:34
I just assume you have to answer everything.
► 00:25:36
I didn't know you could go, oh, that's dumb.
► 00:25:38
Yeah, you gotta say it.
► 00:25:39
Come on, give me a better question.
► 00:25:40
You gotta mock their questions.
► 00:25:41
We used to have two speakers, two microphones in the aisles.
► 00:25:45
Oh yeah, remember those?
► 00:25:45
And at the end of your show, people would come on up and ask questions.
► 00:25:47
And it was just like, 50% of them was like, what did you think of this one fight?
► 00:25:51
I can't have that.
► 00:25:53
God.
► 00:25:54
The problem with even the stand-up on the spot thing is too many people have their hands up, too many people are yelling, and they're not paying attention.
► 00:26:00
They do a show out here called The Rift, and it's a better setup.
► 00:26:03
And what they do is they have a wheel.
► 00:26:05
And the audience gets to write a topic...
► 00:26:09
On the card, on a card, and then they just peg them to the wheel, and you spin the wheel, and it lands on one, and I've done that before, Creak in the Cave.
► 00:26:17
It's way better because no one's yelling out things in the audience.
► 00:26:20
Like that version of it is the way you should do that kind of an improvisation show.
► 00:26:25
Because you can come up with bits on those shows where you don't ever do material.
► 00:26:29
It's great.
► 00:26:30
The problem is that people get too yelly and lift their hands up, and then they're not.
► 00:26:35
Like, the thing last night.
► 00:26:36
Like, I'm in the middle of answering one question, and guys are going, Joe, Joe!
► 00:26:40
I'm in the middle of talking.
► 00:26:41
Oh, that's what you used to do on the road.
► 00:26:43
You go, guys, the only way this works is you have to wait until I'm done, and I'll say any more questions, and then...
► 00:26:48
You can't interrupt.
► 00:26:49
But people are drunk.
► 00:26:50
People are drunk.
► 00:26:51
They're drunk.
► 00:26:52
They're having fun.
► 00:26:52
Remember that show, Set List?
► 00:26:54
Yeah.
► 00:26:54
It was a fun idea, but the suggestions weren't great.
► 00:26:57
They went too far.
► 00:26:58
It was like, placenta smoothie.
► 00:26:59
You're like, no, just say abortion.
► 00:27:00
I'll get to talk about that, but this is stupid.
► 00:27:03
This is like a non-thing.
► 00:27:04
I don't even know what these words are.
► 00:27:05
You're trying to be funny.
► 00:27:06
It's like writers came up with the topic.
► 00:27:08
Yeah, it sucks.
► 00:27:08
You want the audience to come up with the topic, because you'll be stunned occasionally.
► 00:27:11
That sucks.
► 00:27:12
Yeah.
► 00:27:12
What you need is you need the audience to come up with a topic and, you know, you go through the cards.
► 00:27:18
So, like, does your mom know you're gay?
► 00:27:20
Throw that one out.
► 00:27:20
You know what I mean?
► 00:27:21
Right.
► 00:27:22
You know what I mean?
► 00:27:22
Like, you gotta find the ones...
► 00:27:23
I was drunk when I wrote that.
► 00:27:24
Yeah, that's a good one.
► 00:27:26
That's a good question.
► 00:27:28
Those you gotta throw out.
► 00:27:29
She suspects.
► 00:27:30
Those you gotta throw out.
► 00:27:31
What's your favorite flavor, cock?
► 00:27:33
I bring the same friend over for Christmas every year, but...
► 00:27:36
Hey!
► 00:27:36
Yeah, but I think that that's the best way to do it, is have the audience write a suggestion down on a card, have someone go through the cards, take out the preposterous ones, and then put all the cards in like a wheel.
► 00:27:47
Spin the wheel, crank it.
► 00:27:48
And then you get what you get.
► 00:27:49
That's what I want to do at the new club.
► 00:27:51
I'm going to have a night like that at the new club.
► 00:27:54
But have a wheel.
► 00:27:56
By the way, good questions you can keep for next time.
► 00:27:58
If we didn't get to them, leave it in there.
► 00:28:00
Yeah, if you have a stack of questions, you don't even need the audience.
► 00:28:03
I've tried to do the Q&A thing sometimes.
► 00:28:05
I do it.
► 00:28:06
Because I've got to get new material and shit.
► 00:28:08
I'm like, alright, let's see how this goes.
► 00:28:10
If that goes bad, that sucks.
► 00:28:11
But every now and then, you get a gem.
► 00:28:14
If you do five or six of those Q&As in a row, for me, one of them, like last night I have a gem, and I gotta go over the recordings and listen to it, but there was one where I was in the middle of it, and I was like, holy shit, this is a real premise.
► 00:28:25
And people were laughing like it was a bit.
► 00:28:27
I was like, this is a premise.
► 00:28:29
And the more you do it, the better at it you get.
► 00:28:30
And then by the fifth night, you're just zinging and zanging.
► 00:28:34
Yeah, I've done it a couple times where I ended strong, like a closer, killed, and then I was like, hey, you know what?
► 00:28:39
I'm going to hang out.
► 00:28:40
You guys got any questions?
► 00:28:41
And people are just like, wait, where's Matt?
► 00:28:43
It's like, people just yell, do Trump taking a shit?
► 00:28:47
What about Trump?
► 00:28:47
Do Trump Hitler?
► 00:28:49
It's better in the check drop section, and then you end with your fucking last bit.
► 00:28:53
That's not a bad move, right?
► 00:28:54
You used to do that with the wolf bit, but you save it until after that shit.
► 00:28:58
It's hard to follow a Q&A, because it gets kind of amped up, and then you go back to, like, Uber's weird, and it's kind of a drop.
► 00:29:04
And the problem is people have got their hands up while you're doing Uber's weird.
► 00:29:09
Hey, hey, hey.
► 00:29:11
How do you guys write?
► 00:29:12
How do you write, Shane?
► 00:29:13
I just did podcasts.
► 00:29:16
If I could make Matt laugh, I'm like, alright, that's good.
► 00:29:20
I think the best at that, the fucking riff, just riffing, is Tim.
► 00:29:25
Tim Dillon's the fucking...
► 00:29:27
He's the king.
► 00:29:28
He's the king.
► 00:29:28
Tim and Burr both do life.
► 00:29:29
Burr's great, but Burr, a lot of times, Burr gets serious about stuff.
► 00:29:33
It's great.
► 00:29:35
Tim stays ridiculous.
► 00:29:36
It's amazing how Burr comes up with material.
► 00:29:38
He turns over material so well.
► 00:29:40
So fast.
► 00:29:40
And part of it is because he has that rant muscle.
► 00:29:42
And he sits for an hour every week.
Dylan's Humor Strategy
00:15:27
► 00:29:45
Two times a week.
► 00:29:46
Monday and Thursday.
► 00:29:48
Dylan is consistently hilarious doing it.
► 00:29:52
Even when he gets serious, he's serious for like 10 seconds and then he says something ridiculous.
► 00:29:57
He'll stay funny.
► 00:29:58
Even if he has to make a serious point that he wants out, he'll stay funny while he's doing it.
► 00:30:01
And he has good takes.
► 00:30:02
You're like, oh, that's a good point.
► 00:30:03
I never thought of it that way.
► 00:30:04
And it's funny.
► 00:30:05
He's the master of that form.
► 00:30:08
Also, he's got his buddy, Ben, who's his...
► 00:30:11
Who laughs?
► 00:30:13
What's her name?
► 00:30:14
No, what's her name from Stern?
► 00:30:16
Robin Clevers.
► 00:30:17
Robin Clevers.
► 00:30:18
Yeah, but it's better, because he doesn't chime in much.
► 00:30:22
He's just a one-person fan who's laughing at everything, and then Tim's wearing fucking cop aviators, and he seems like he's high as fuck, but he's sober.
► 00:30:33
He's crazy.
► 00:30:34
Yeah, and gay.
► 00:30:34
Yeah, he's high off semen.
► 00:30:36
A lot of people don't believe he's gay.
► 00:30:37
I don't believe he's gay.
► 00:30:38
My wife doesn't believe he's gay.
► 00:30:40
Oh, he's gay.
► 00:30:40
There's nothing about him that seems gay.
► 00:30:42
I'll tell you, there's something about him that seems gay.
► 00:30:44
He fucks guys.
► 00:30:47
Sometimes he fucks guys in their butts.
► 00:30:49
That'll do it.
► 00:30:49
Are you sure he does that, or maybe he just fucks their mouths?
► 00:30:52
True, true.
► 00:30:52
I think he takes it.
► 00:30:54
Oh, really?
► 00:30:55
I thought, like, twinks.
► 00:30:55
The loud guys always take it.
► 00:30:57
How do you know?
► 00:30:58
My dad.
► 00:31:02
Did your dad have butt sex with guys?
► 00:31:04
I'm assuming.
► 00:31:05
He's, you know, hippie from the 60s.
► 00:31:06
He's of that age.
► 00:31:07
They tried it.
► 00:31:08
They all tried it.
► 00:31:09
Apparently, that was the thing during the rock and roll era.
► 00:31:11
They said that Mick Jagger and David Bowie were found in bed together by Mick Jagger's wife.
► 00:31:16
Mooney and Carter.
► 00:31:17
They run through all the posts.
► 00:31:18
You get bored.
► 00:31:18
It's like Gerbil with Richard Gere.
► 00:31:21
That's not true.
► 00:31:22
Oh, come on.
► 00:31:24
True.
► 00:31:24
He's a Scientologist, that gerbil.
► 00:31:27
That gerbil story was because of Scientology.
► 00:31:29
Wait, did we talk about it last time we did?
► 00:31:31
No, really?
► 00:31:32
Yeah, he left Scientology.
► 00:31:34
When he left Scientology, they smeared him.
► 00:31:37
They revealed the truth.
► 00:31:38
They got a rough one on him.
► 00:31:39
That's what they threaten you with.
► 00:31:41
Hey, we know your secret.
► 00:31:41
If you leave, allow you.
► 00:31:43
Can you imagine if that's what you're looking forward to all day?
► 00:31:46
You're at work doing data collection.
► 00:31:48
You've got a gerbil in a tank.
► 00:31:50
One day.
► 00:31:51
That gerbil's just on the wheel back home.
► 00:31:53
He has no idea what's coming, dude.
► 00:31:54
I know.
► 00:31:55
You're going to go in an asshole, though.
► 00:31:57
You've got a vat of lube.
► 00:31:58
You're going to just dunk him in that lube.
► 00:32:01
And you've got to declaw it, let's be honest.
► 00:32:03
You don't want a lot of this shit.
► 00:32:04
You tape him up.
► 00:32:05
Oh, you tape him up?
► 00:32:07
Yeah, you tape him.
► 00:32:07
You tape your butthole closed?
► 00:32:09
Tape his little mouth, tape his little feet, shove him in there and have him wiggle around.
► 00:32:14
The taping part's gotta be kind of adorable, though.
► 00:32:16
Getting his little arms together.
► 00:32:18
It's like a hostage.
► 00:32:20
It's horrible.
► 00:32:21
It's like you're kidnapping him.
► 00:32:22
I never even thought of that.
► 00:32:23
You tape him.
► 00:32:24
You gotta tape.
► 00:32:26
Otherwise they'll kill you.
► 00:32:27
How do you even get him in your ass?
► 00:32:29
You think you shove a habitrail in there first, open it up nice, and then just blow him through?
► 00:32:34
I think you put a treat in there and let him do their job.
► 00:32:36
Your lover gets on the other end like a blow dart.
► 00:32:37
Yeah.
► 00:32:39
And shoots that treble right in your asshole.
► 00:32:41
I wonder if it's one of those things you stick a tube in your butt and it goes towards the heat.
► 00:32:46
Maybe.
► 00:32:46
It could be one of those.
► 00:32:47
Like a missile.
► 00:32:48
I think it just moves around.
► 00:32:50
It's duct taped.
► 00:32:51
Right.
► 00:32:52
Is that a real thing?
► 00:32:53
Are you sure there's tape?
► 00:32:54
Yeah.
► 00:32:54
I mean, it makes perfect sense.
► 00:32:56
It can't move if it's taped.
► 00:32:57
It needs the legs.
► 00:32:58
I mean, it makes perfect sense.
► 00:32:59
Yeah, otherwise it would have to be declawed.
► 00:33:00
Is it a real thing?
► 00:33:01
Do people do it?
► 00:33:02
That's a good question.
► 00:33:03
Forget gear.
► 00:33:03
Is it a thing that's done?
► 00:33:05
Yes.
► 00:33:05
Jamie...
► 00:33:06
There's got to be some videos.
► 00:33:07
Yeah, that's a good question.
► 00:33:08
Jada Pinkett does it.
► 00:33:09
This guy's got a trouble in his ass?
► 00:33:10
What is happening here?
► 00:33:12
Oh, these guys don't crack out of each other's ass.
► 00:33:14
I can't watch this.
► 00:33:15
Oh, he's boofing him with the crack.
► 00:33:16
He's boofing him.
► 00:33:17
He's hit him in his butt.
► 00:33:18
He's going to shoot the crack in his ass?
► 00:33:20
Jar of piss on the floor, too.
► 00:33:21
I love they always have the fucking hospital band still on.
► 00:33:24
Yeah.
► 00:33:25
This is an old junkie, too.
► 00:33:27
Man, that guy's had time.
► 00:33:29
You let it all go, you junkie!
► 00:33:30
He's blowing it right into his asshole.
► 00:33:32
The new Cheech and Chong's nuts.
► 00:33:34
I hope he farts it out.
► 00:33:35
He's digging in that guy's asshole in his face.
► 00:33:38
I saw a video I sent this.
► 00:33:40
Look at him breathing heavy.
► 00:33:41
Look at the guy on the right.
► 00:33:42
Replay that, please.
► 00:33:43
The guy, just back it up.
► 00:33:44
Look at the guy who's taking the crack in his ass.
► 00:33:47
Look how excited he is.
► 00:33:48
Look at his breath.
► 00:33:50
He's exhaling it.
► 00:33:52
That's his first fun time all day.
► 00:33:54
We gotta try that today.
► 00:33:55
That's gotta feel so good, dude.
► 00:33:57
What a good bonding experience.
► 00:33:58
Getting crack in your ass.
► 00:33:59
Oh, yeah.
► 00:34:00
It must be the best.
► 00:34:01
It's definitely a bonding experience.
► 00:34:02
Because crack in your mouth is good.
► 00:34:04
So in your ass, it must be unbelievable.
► 00:34:07
Has anybody here ever tried crack?
► 00:34:09
No.
► 00:34:09
Coke, sure, but no crack.
► 00:34:11
It's got to be the same.
► 00:34:12
That's what Carl Hart says.
► 00:34:13
Diaz said he did crack for six months once.
► 00:34:15
And you're like, why?
► 00:34:16
He's like, because the Coke deal was out of my way and the crack deal was on the way home from the store.
► 00:34:19
It's just easier.
► 00:34:21
It's easier.
► 00:34:22
Yeah.
► 00:34:23
He goes, I didn't have to make it left on Schrader.
► 00:34:25
Now that Joey's not doing any hard drugs, that he just smokes weed, he'll talk to you.
► 00:34:31
He'll take a pill once in a while.
► 00:34:32
Oh yeah, but he's not doing whatever he was doing when we were worried.
► 00:34:37
Right, right, right.
► 00:34:38
When he disappeared to go meet a guy with a package.
► 00:34:41
Yeah, weird moments where he'd just vanish.
► 00:34:44
There were times where you just wondered, is he going to be alive tomorrow?
► 00:34:49
When are we going to see him again?
► 00:34:51
There were moments where Joey, until his career started going well.
► 00:34:54
He just quit?
► 00:34:55
Yeah.
► 00:34:56
Quick Coke?
► 00:34:57
Yeah.
► 00:34:57
Damn.
► 00:34:58
And his career started taking off and there was something, something came along with the internet where people started to realize who Joey Diaz was.
► 00:35:04
He could find his audience too.
► 00:35:05
Yeah.
► 00:35:05
And they could find him.
► 00:35:06
You're not going to get a Joey Diaz off of fucking Evening at the Improv.
► 00:35:09
No.
► 00:35:09
You're never going to understand him.
► 00:35:10
They tried.
► 00:35:11
Every one of his tape sets was like, what the fuck?
► 00:35:13
Yeah.
► 00:35:14
This is so much darker and dirtier than anything you've ever seen.
► 00:35:17
Right.
► 00:35:17
On like film.
► 00:35:19
Well, when he did This Is Not Happening, that's when you got a chance to see the real him.
► 00:35:23
Yeah.
► 00:35:23
If Comedy Central had any fucking brains, they'd rehire you and do that show again.
► 00:35:27
It's over.
► 00:35:27
Let it go.
► 00:35:28
I like Roy Wood.
► 00:35:29
Let it go.
► 00:35:30
Roy Wood's great.
► 00:35:31
I love Roy Wood.
► 00:35:32
Roy Wood's fucking great.
► 00:35:33
He's a beast.
► 00:35:33
I love that dude.
► 00:35:34
I love him.
► 00:35:34
He's a hilarious comedian.
► 00:35:36
He's my favorite host.
► 00:35:37
Yeah, and he was one of those guys where him taking over Ari's gig was like, okay, No, he called me for permission.
► 00:35:46
Yeah, he's a big guy.
► 00:35:47
And I said, go for it.
► 00:35:47
We've got to save these jokes.
► 00:35:48
Yeah, he is the man.
► 00:35:49
He's the man.
► 00:35:49
And he was nice to me before I did anything.
► 00:35:53
He was nicer to you after that stuff.
► 00:35:55
And he's like, Asians suck, dude.
► 00:35:57
Come on, let's hang out.
► 00:35:57
Yeah, true.
► 00:35:58
No, no, I'm not saying get canceled.
► 00:36:00
I'm saying he was nice.
► 00:36:01
The first time I met him, I was with Soder at Sal's house for the Super Bowl thing.
► 00:36:05
And he was there, and he was like, hey, he was the only one.
► 00:36:07
Yeah, he's cool.
► 00:36:07
Everyone else is...
► 00:36:08
You ever hear his hustle stories?
► 00:36:10
Like what he did to make it?
► 00:36:11
Where he was doing morning radio and he would drive like five hours, do a gig, and then five hours back and do radio in the morning.
► 00:36:18
Like wild shit.
► 00:36:19
He kills so hard.
► 00:36:21
He's cool because like Andre Agassi, they taught him how to hit hard and they taught him how to aim.
► 00:36:25
Roy Wood came as a fucking killer road comic and then came to New York and he was like, I'm already a destruction guy.
► 00:36:31
And now, let me show you what I can do in New York, too.
► 00:36:35
Creative side.
► 00:36:36
Yeah, he's great.
► 00:36:38
And also, he's such a good host.
► 00:36:40
That's what I love about him.
► 00:36:41
Great host.
► 00:36:43
It's my show.
► 00:36:45
It's my show.
► 00:36:46
There was Craig Kilborn before Jon Stewart, and Jon Stewart was better.
► 00:36:50
Yeah, this is how it works.
► 00:36:50
Good point.
► 00:36:53
You're Will Smith.
► 00:36:55
He's August whatever.
► 00:36:57
Jack Parr can't fuck with Carson.
► 00:37:00
Jack Parr cannot fuck with Carson.
► 00:37:01
Nobody remembers Jack Parr.
► 00:37:02
You're Killborn, baby.
► 00:37:04
Yeah.
► 00:37:04
And then Steve Allen was before, like, in the mix.
► 00:37:07
P.U. I'm drinking here.
► 00:37:08
Hey, easy.
► 00:37:09
Steve Allen was in the mix with Jack Carr.
► 00:37:12
We will get that show going again.
► 00:37:14
Just independently.
► 00:37:15
Who owns the name?
► 00:37:18
I was trying to get it back from them, but we could just change it to, like, Shane and I were talking with you the other day.
► 00:37:21
This is still happening.
► 00:37:22
Oh, that's good.
► 00:37:23
Perfect.
► 00:37:23
Yeah.
► 00:37:24
That's perfect.
► 00:37:25
They're going to sue you.
► 00:37:26
They'll sue you for that.
► 00:37:28
It's not necessarily their name or my name.
► 00:37:30
It's like they license a show, so it's a gray area on who has a name.
► 00:37:34
If they were cool, they should fucking just give it to me.
► 00:37:36
You need better lawyers.
► 00:37:37
Yeah.
► 00:37:38
But This Is Not Happening is a great name.
► 00:37:41
Call the whole gang.
► 00:37:41
This Is Not Happening is a great name.
► 00:37:43
Solid name for sure.
► 00:37:44
Solid name.
► 00:37:45
One of the best owns ever was when your special was coming out and Stern was shitting on you.
► 00:37:51
Oh, yes!
► 00:37:51
And you did that video.
► 00:37:52
I've never heard of this guy.
► 00:37:53
You did that video with you standing in front of a billboard on Sunset with your fucking face.
► 00:37:59
Ari Shafir's stand-up comedy special.
► 00:38:02
The way you owned him.
► 00:38:04
It's like, that's on you.
► 00:38:06
The way you owned him was a master class.
► 00:38:08
Who was this?
► 00:38:09
That was an early Jamie creation.
► 00:38:13
Jamie has nothing to do with that.
► 00:38:15
No, not true.
► 00:38:15
I mean, yeah.
► 00:38:18
Stern shit on Ari.
► 00:38:19
Stern shit on Ari for a full half an hour.
► 00:38:22
Why?
► 00:38:22
Because Ari shit on Stern on my show.
► 00:38:24
You never saw that?
► 00:38:24
He said he loved American Sniper, and I was like, fuck him.
► 00:38:26
Him and Clint Eastwood just stuck each other's wrinkled dicks in their old man camps.
► 00:38:29
They're totally lost touch.
► 00:38:31
Dude, it's crazy happening.
► 00:38:31
How you do that?
► 00:38:32
And then someone's like, what?
► 00:38:34
I'm so mad.
► 00:38:35
No, worse.
► 00:38:35
Worse.
► 00:38:36
He spent a whole half hour talking shit about Ari being a loser, and he's got nothing going on.
► 00:38:41
He's got no career.
► 00:38:42
A podcast.
► 00:38:43
And then Ari does this brilliant video where he says, it's such an honor that you even know who I am.
► 00:38:50
Mr. Stern.
► 00:38:50
I can call him Mr. Stern.
► 00:38:51
I know you're older, so go into your, what do you use?
► 00:38:53
Netflix Navigator?
► 00:38:55
What is it?
► 00:38:56
Netscape Navigator?
► 00:38:57
You're making fun of people's age?
► 00:39:00
So he does a video.
► 00:39:01
That was a long time ago.
► 00:39:01
He does a video where he searches his own name, and he's like, look, look at all these things.
► 00:39:07
Ari Shaffir, look at this.
► 00:39:08
Oh, look, I got a special coming out of Comedy Central this weekend.
► 00:39:11
And here's me in front of a billboard.
► 00:39:13
So it's him.
► 00:39:14
It was fucking magnificent.
► 00:39:16
That's Ari right there.
► 00:39:17
Look at this.
► 00:39:19
It's fucking magnificent.
► 00:39:20
Wow, that was when Ari had a career.
► 00:39:22
It was...
► 00:39:24
A magnificent home.
► 00:39:26
Because that billboard was right down the street from the store at Pink Dot.
► 00:39:31
So we drove by it all the time.
► 00:39:32
That was a big win for us.
► 00:39:34
To see Ari's face on that billboard.
► 00:39:36
A Sunset Loser having a billboard on Sunset.
► 00:39:38
That was a big win, dude.
► 00:39:40
Can we get Roy Wood's face on there now?
► 00:39:42
Literally, what you don't know is just under my underarm, just over the...
► 00:39:45
I know what's there.
► 00:39:45
Is my apartment.
► 00:39:47
Oh, really?
► 00:39:47
Yes.
► 00:39:47
Is my bathroom window.
► 00:39:49
Yes.
► 00:39:49
Right there.
► 00:39:51
What a time to be alive.
► 00:39:52
To have a billboard on Sunset Boulevard, like when Netflix put out Strange Times, when I did Strange Times, they put out a bunch of billboards.
► 00:40:00
On that one?
► 00:40:01
Billboards.
► 00:40:01
And it was cool, but there was one of them right on Sunset, right near Carney's.
► 00:40:06
And it was like driving to work.
► 00:40:07
I would drive from Sunset just so I could see it.
► 00:40:10
I would drive that way from the 405. I would go from the 405 just so I could see the billboard.
► 00:40:14
Like that...
► 00:40:15
That's a win.
► 00:40:17
So when you got that, that was a win for us.
► 00:40:19
We were looking at that like, fuck yeah, Ari's got a billboard on fucking sunset right next to the store.
► 00:40:25
From door guy to that.
► 00:40:26
Yeah, it was cool.
► 00:40:27
That's cool.
► 00:40:27
It was cool.
► 00:40:29
It was like, hey, alright.
► 00:40:30
Because also, Comedy Central never took any of us.
► 00:40:32
The store was full of losers, so it was like, having that was like this underdog win.
► 00:40:36
How did you get it through to them?
► 00:40:39
Cuz they don't buy anything.
► 00:40:40
I'll tell you how.
► 00:40:40
They help each other out.
► 00:40:41
He built it up step at a time.
► 00:40:43
Ari started that fucking thing off in the lab, at the old lab in the improv, the little tiny room.
► 00:40:48
Oh, yeah.
► 00:40:48
Back when it was a good setup, before they ruined it.
► 00:40:51
Yeah, no bar in there, just a black box theater.
► 00:40:53
They fucked that up.
► 00:40:54
That way the old setup was so much better.
► 00:40:56
Yeah.
► 00:40:56
The new setup is like, it's too busy, it's like too close to the front door.
► 00:41:01
People going through it to get to the other room.
► 00:41:02
Not good.
► 00:41:03
But the old setup was amazing because it was really like a little lap.
► 00:41:06
You did it in there a couple times, right?
► 00:41:07
Yeah!
► 00:41:07
Yeah, I did your show there.
► 00:41:09
I did stand-up shows there.
► 00:41:10
It was a great little room.
► 00:41:11
The new room is death.
► 00:41:13
It's weird.
► 00:41:13
Everybody bombs in there but Damon Wayans.
► 00:41:15
I see Damon Wayans killing it.
► 00:41:16
Junior?
► 00:41:17
No, the big one.
► 00:41:18
Older.
► 00:41:19
He works out his stuff.
► 00:41:20
You know, Damon Wayans has recorded every fucking set he's done since the 90s.
► 00:41:25
He sets up a tripod with an HD. He's got a camera like this.
► 00:41:28
And he edits them himself.
► 00:41:30
And he goes over all of his sets.
► 00:41:32
Geez, well where's the next special?
► 00:41:33
What's he waiting for?
► 00:41:34
That's a good question.
► 00:41:35
He's getting that TV money.
► 00:41:36
He was a legit stand-up for a while.
► 00:41:39
When he came in to work out at the store, he would do this thing where he'd do really boring, hacky material for five minutes until the crowd lost faith in him, and then he would start what he's working on.
► 00:41:48
So you don't give him the fucking freebie as a famous person.
► 00:41:51
He would intentionally do bad.
► 00:41:53
Really?
► 00:41:54
Yeah, just to like, okay, you guys are, don't trust me anymore?
► 00:41:57
Cool, here's what I'm actually working on.
► 00:41:58
I definitely saw him fuck, he definitely fucked around a lot, and like let himself get into holes, where he wasn't getting any laughs for a while, and they would dig himself out of holes, and then sometimes just murder, and then come back.
► 00:42:09
But he was working on material.
► 00:42:10
I mean, he was really genuinely working.
► 00:42:12
Why does he have any special?
► 00:42:13
Damon?
► 00:42:14
You're a great comic.
► 00:42:14
He did that show, that ABC show, and I think he made a lot of money, and he got in that whole family comedy situation where you show up, you get those big checks.
► 00:42:25
You can't just start up stand-up again, too.
► 00:42:27
No, he's still doing stand-up.
► 00:42:29
He's still doing stand-up.
► 00:42:30
I think in this day and age, that's why Steve Harvey doesn't do specials.
► 00:42:35
Steve Harvey doesn't do stand-up anymore because he's worried about getting canceled.
► 00:42:38
Really?
► 00:42:39
Yeah, because all these guys had wild material.
► 00:42:41
And then, you know, they have these shows where they're making...
► 00:42:43
Steve Harvey's making a fucking billion dollars a year.
► 00:42:45
Dude, Steve Harvey has that one...
► 00:42:46
He's like, you're lucky I'm not in Iraq.
► 00:42:48
I'd be fucking shooting everybody.
► 00:42:50
Oh, yeah.
► 00:42:50
It's so crazy.
► 00:42:51
Oh, my God.
► 00:42:52
He's like, I'm not going there.
► 00:42:53
I'd be like, get that little kid out of here.
► 00:42:54
He should be wearing that fucking murka.
► 00:42:56
It's like crazy shit.
► 00:42:58
Yeah, him on Family Feud is ridiculous.
► 00:43:01
He's hilarious.
► 00:43:02
Oh, you know comics are doing that.
► 00:43:03
We gotta get a group going.
► 00:43:04
Moshe Kasher did it with Natasha and a couple other people.
► 00:43:06
Going what?
► 00:43:08
He's like, hey dude, you can get a family, quote unquote, the three of us, Louis, just like dumb shit, and just go in there and just be a family.
► 00:43:17
Moshe goes, Moshe, what's your answer?
► 00:43:18
He goes, will you be on my podcast?
► 00:43:20
No.
► 00:43:22
Mosh is funny.
► 00:43:23
Yeah, that's funny.
► 00:43:25
Oh man, that's a great idea.
► 00:43:26
Fast money.
► 00:43:27
That's all me.
► 00:43:28
Just get paid.
► 00:43:28
Free trip to LA. You're good at that stuff.
► 00:43:30
Oh yeah, I played that for years at home.
► 00:43:31
You are quick.
► 00:43:33
Thank you.
► 00:43:34
Autism.
► 00:43:35
One word quick.
► 00:43:36
How much of that you got?
► 00:43:38
Autism.
► 00:43:38
How much you got?
► 00:43:39
I think I'm pretty good.
► 00:43:40
Like 40?
► 00:43:41
40%?
► 00:43:42
I'd say.
► 00:43:43
Really?
► 00:43:44
Yeah.
► 00:43:44
What makes a person 40% autistic as opposed to a regular person like myself?
► 00:43:48
I think you have a little more emotional intelligence.
► 00:43:53
So what do you do that you go, ha, Sean Dunlap?
► 00:43:56
That's pretty good.
► 00:43:59
I'll tell you, here, let me give you two great Norman autism.
► 00:44:03
When we went on that ski trip, we're getting on the lift, he's wearing a fucking Dirk Nowitzki jersey, and this guy, trying to be friendly with his family, while we're about to get on the lift, he's like, oh, I thought Dirk was a lot taller than that.
► 00:44:14
Norman just goes...
► 00:44:15
Yeah, I'm gay.
► 00:44:17
And the lift is just some guy standing there with his family like, who the fuck was that guy?
► 00:44:22
He panicked.
► 00:44:23
I didn't know what to say.
► 00:44:23
He didn't know what to say.
► 00:44:24
He just goes, I'm gay.
► 00:44:25
That's default.
► 00:44:26
That's default.
► 00:44:27
Yes.
► 00:44:28
And then we're on the plane on the way here, and he's like, can I get a whiskey?
► 00:44:32
And he pulls his mask down and goes...
► 00:44:35
To the lady.
► 00:44:36
And this tortoise.
► 00:44:38
She laughed.
► 00:44:38
It's funny.
► 00:44:39
It's funny, but I'm sitting next to her like, what the fuck are you doing?
► 00:44:42
Did she know who you are?
► 00:44:43
No.
► 00:44:43
No.
► 00:44:44
It feels weird to end a sentence, so I need some button.
► 00:44:48
Yeah.
► 00:44:48
It's too much awkwardness, so I panic.
► 00:44:50
Right.
► 00:44:51
That's why I don't look at you in the eye.
► 00:44:52
That's why the sunglasses are on right now.
► 00:44:54
Yeah, it helps.
Klan's Ghostly Origins
00:05:24
► 00:44:55
My autism results in me bringing up Joe List on This Is Not Happening, and be like, one of my best friends, and you're like, eh.
► 00:45:00
No, actually, he's a good friend of mine.
► 00:45:02
He's a good friend of mine.
► 00:45:03
But I wouldn't say good friend Joe, just because I'm like, why would you include any of that?
► 00:45:07
What was that?
► 00:45:07
He's just autism.
► 00:45:08
It's funny, though, for me to be calling you autistic.
► 00:45:10
I was literally playing, like, a Civil War simulator on my laptop.
► 00:45:14
That's true.
► 00:45:14
Get the laptop with an RPG going.
► 00:45:16
This giant of a man.
► 00:45:17
You play a Civil War simulator?
► 00:45:20
Yeah, dude.
► 00:45:20
The South shall rise again.
► 00:45:21
And this thing was dense.
► 00:45:22
I mean, he's got money.
► 00:45:23
It's insane.
► 00:45:24
Let's be honest.
► 00:45:25
About anybody who's recreating the Civil War, they're not trying to recreate the same ending.
► 00:45:28
Oh, I am, dude.
► 00:45:29
I love the Union.
► 00:45:30
You want the North to win.
► 00:45:31
I love the North.
► 00:45:32
But most people, those Civil War reenactors...
► 00:45:35
How could the South have done it?
► 00:45:36
Hey, we won!
► 00:45:37
We won, didn't we?
► 00:45:38
The South?
► 00:45:39
Who's we?
► 00:45:39
The South.
► 00:45:40
You're in New Orleans.
► 00:45:41
In what?
► 00:45:41
I'm Louisiana.
► 00:45:42
In what?
► 00:45:43
In what?
► 00:45:43
Didn't we win the first battle?
► 00:45:44
Oh, yes.
► 00:45:45
You were winning the battle.
► 00:45:46
No, you won a lot.
► 00:45:48
Okay!
► 00:45:48
What was the first battle?
► 00:45:49
The first Manassas, or bull run.
► 00:45:52
Thank you.
► 00:45:53
Yeah, you guys got a big victory.
► 00:45:55
It was a union skedaddle they got out of there.
► 00:45:57
That was the one where it was outside of Washington, so a bunch of senators, they thought it was going to be fun.
► 00:46:02
They showed up for picnic baskets, sat on the hill drinking.
► 00:46:07
And watched the battle.
► 00:46:08
Didn't they used to watch on the hill in those days?
► 00:46:10
Yes.
► 00:46:10
And then it ended up being, that was like, technically, some people say it was like the first modern war, so like they started hitting them with like rifled bullets, and they were like, oh shit, this isn't like what it used to be.
► 00:46:20
Oh, because they weren't using muskets?
► 00:46:22
No, it just, shit got very serious, artillery was heavy, it was like...
► 00:46:25
Woo!
► 00:46:26
And there was just a, yeah, it was a bloodbath.
► 00:46:28
We'll rise again.
► 00:46:29
I'm against slavery.
► 00:46:30
And then the guys retreated through all the picnics.
► 00:46:32
For the record.
► 00:46:32
Yeah.
► 00:46:33
Yeah, like, dudes covered in blood with, like, their arm hanging off.
► 00:46:36
We're running through the picnics, and there's ladies in those dresses.
► 00:46:38
We're like, have some class.
► 00:46:40
What's crazy about the Civil War is that the border between the North and the South is, like, a literal border.
► 00:46:47
Like, you could walk across it.
► 00:46:48
Yeah.
► 00:46:49
So, how many murders occurred after the Civil War?
► 00:46:53
What do you mean, murders?
► 00:46:54
Murders where the war was over, but people knew that you shot my daddy and you shot my brother.
► 00:46:59
Oh, a lot.
► 00:47:00
How many?
► 00:47:00
A lot.
► 00:47:01
A lot of murders.
► 00:47:02
Yeah, some guys kept fighting.
► 00:47:03
I mean, the Klan started all this stuff.
► 00:47:05
The Klan started after the Civil War?
► 00:47:07
Yeah, it was in the North.
► 00:47:08
Buford Forest.
► 00:47:09
The Klan started in Illinois?
► 00:47:11
Might have been Indiana.
► 00:47:12
Indiana.
► 00:47:12
Yeah.
► 00:47:13
The Klan started in Indiana?
► 00:47:14
Give it a goog.
► 00:47:15
Buford?
► 00:47:16
Two weeks ago.
► 00:47:17
Yeah, Forrest Gump's named after the guy.
► 00:47:19
What?
► 00:47:19
Benjamin Buford Forrest.
► 00:47:20
Oh, that's right.
► 00:47:21
Forrest Gump, in the movie, he's like...
► 00:47:24
He started something where they dressed up like ghosts or something.
► 00:47:27
Yeah, and lit crosses on fire.
► 00:47:28
That's so funny.
► 00:47:29
I haven't seen that movie in forever.
► 00:47:30
It's so good.
► 00:47:32
Here it goes.
► 00:47:34
1865, right at the end of the Second Civil War.
► 00:47:37
Second clan?
► 00:47:38
What does that mean?
► 00:47:39
Change it.
► 00:47:39
Go back to the crackhead.
► 00:47:40
There are three different ones.
► 00:47:41
Third clan?
► 00:47:42
Wow.
► 00:47:44
What do you think this realistic leg...
► 00:47:46
2,000 Klan members now?
► 00:47:49
Circa around 5,000 to 8,000.
► 00:47:52
And the media makes it into this.
► 00:47:54
It's happening every day, everywhere.
► 00:47:55
I don't think it's that many.
► 00:47:56
3 million to 6 million peaked in 1924 to 1925. Yeah, they were fired up.
► 00:48:00
Wow!
► 00:48:00
In 24 to 25, there were 6 million Klan members?
► 00:48:03
I think that was what's it called?
► 00:48:05
Birth of a Nation, that movement.
► 00:48:06
Everybody got fired up.
► 00:48:07
These guys are cool.
► 00:48:08
You know what's crazy?
► 00:48:10
How many people were here then?
► 00:48:12
That's what's crazy.
► 00:48:13
It wasn't $300 million.
► 00:48:15
That's a good point.
► 00:48:16
$300 million in the 20s is like crazy.
► 00:48:19
How many black people were there?
► 00:48:21
That's not even enough black people to hate.
► 00:48:23
At that point, they were after Catholics and Jews and shit also.
► 00:48:26
Catholics?
► 00:48:27
Yeah, they hated Catholics.
► 00:48:28
Back then, they were like, black people know where their place is, but these Jews are owning properties.
► 00:48:31
You guys do get a little rowdy.
► 00:48:33
Let's take a guess.
► 00:48:35
Pull back there.
► 00:48:38
If it's the highest number.
► 00:48:39
About three lights away from letting that one go.
► 00:48:41
Bring it on, Fadi.
► 00:48:42
I love that one shame.
► 00:48:43
I'm like, you guys are...
► 00:48:44
No, no, no.
► 00:48:45
Hey, if it's 6,000.
► 00:48:48
Million.
► 00:48:49
Okay?
► 00:48:50
If it is 6 million.
► 00:48:51
Excuse me, 6 million.
► 00:48:52
What do you think?
► 00:48:54
What do you think the population of the United States was in 25?
► 00:48:57
In 1925?
► 00:48:59
83 million.
► 00:49:00
That's a pretty good guess.
► 00:49:02
I'll say 60 mil.
► 00:49:04
60. So that's 10%?
► 00:49:06
Yeah, I bet.
► 00:49:07
Off our guess.
► 00:49:07
Can you imagine if 10% of the people in the United States were in a Klan?
► 00:49:11
Is that real?
► 00:49:12
That's what the media says.
► 00:49:13
Let's guess.
► 00:49:14
You think it's 60 million?
► 00:49:15
I bet it's 100. I bet it's 100. What do you get?
► 00:49:18
Well, let's go one at a time.
► 00:49:19
How many people?
► 00:49:20
83 million, 147 thousand.
► 00:49:23
60 mil.
► 00:49:24
Is it close without going over?
► 00:49:25
I'm going 60 as well.
► 00:49:26
I'm going to say 100. I'm going to say 100 million.
► 00:49:28
I think it might be like 30 to 80. We're all going to be fucked.
► 00:49:32
115. Wow!
► 00:49:34
Joe got it.
► 00:49:35
The Native Americans were still alive, that's why.
► 00:49:38
So 6 million out of 115. Yeah, that's about 5%.
► 00:49:43
That's a lot.
► 00:49:44
That is wild.
► 00:49:45
That's a tithe of clans.
► 00:49:46
From 6 million to 8,000, we're doing a good job.
► 00:49:50
They're going like Catholics.
► 00:49:51
Nobody's joining up.
► 00:49:53
You guys ever heard of that guy, Daryl Davis?
► 00:49:55
Uh-oh.
► 00:49:55
I've had him on my podcast a couple of times.
► 00:49:57
He's personally converted over 200 Klan members and neo-Nazis.
► 00:50:01
Just by being a cool guy.
► 00:50:03
They just want friends.
► 00:50:04
Yes!
► 00:50:04
Oh, he's a big guy, right?
Frog's Klan Encounter
00:12:24
► 00:50:05
Yeah, he's good.
► 00:50:06
A blues singer, and he would do these gigs, and he sat down with this guy, and he was having a drink, and the guy was like, I never sat down with a black man and had a drink before.
► 00:50:13
He thought he was joking around.
► 00:50:15
He's like, what?
► 00:50:15
And he goes, yeah, I'm in the Klan.
► 00:50:17
He thought it was like a joke.
► 00:50:18
He goes, no, I'm serious.
► 00:50:19
And he pulls out his ID card.
► 00:50:20
His Klan ID? Yes.
► 00:50:22
Oh, I gotta get one of those.
► 00:50:23
Shit like a triangle.
► 00:50:23
Daryl becomes friends with this guy.
► 00:50:25
When they ask for your fucking vaccine, be like, oh, wrong court.
► 00:50:28
Daryl becomes friends with this guy, and he converts him.
► 00:50:32
The guy hands him his fucking Grand Wizard outfit.
► 00:50:36
He goes, I can't wear this anymore.
► 00:50:37
Now that I'm friends with you, I know this is bullshit.
► 00:50:41
He goes, it's bullshit.
► 00:50:42
I know it's bullshit.
► 00:50:42
That's really all it takes is meeting one.
► 00:50:44
By the way, that's exactly the second thing they got Jordan Peterson on.
► 00:50:48
What?
► 00:50:49
The association with the alt-right.
► 00:50:51
And he was like, no, I'm trying to get him to be cool.
► 00:50:53
Right.
► 00:50:53
And they're like, why are you talking to them?
► 00:50:54
I was like, to get him back!
► 00:50:55
Well, he was joking around about the whole frog thing.
► 00:50:57
He thought the frog thing was funny.
► 00:50:59
It was.
► 00:51:00
It's a 4chan thing.
► 00:51:01
It was funny.
► 00:51:03
It's a meaningless symbol that they said, let's just pretend that the right takes it.
► 00:51:08
And the right did take it.
► 00:51:09
And the left got mad.
► 00:51:10
And now 4chan is sitting back going, it doesn't mean anything!
► 00:51:12
Have you seen the guy who created the frog?
► 00:51:14
He's so fucking, he's beside himself.
► 00:51:17
He doesn't know what to do.
► 00:51:18
Oh yeah, the cartoonist?
► 00:51:19
So he tried to kill off the frog, and everybody's like, nah, we're gonna keep him, or we're gonna give him a Nazi hat.
► 00:51:24
You saw the Q&A doc.
► 00:51:27
There's a doc on the frog guy.
► 00:51:29
Just the frog guy.
► 00:51:30
Oh, there is.
► 00:51:30
Oh, he hated it.
► 00:51:31
That's not my message!
► 00:51:33
His frog was, like, crying.
► 00:51:34
Like, feels bad, man.
► 00:51:36
Yeah.
► 00:51:36
You know, like, that was his frog.
► 00:51:38
It was, like, a silly thing.
► 00:51:40
And that meme took over during the Trump administration.
► 00:51:43
Damn.
► 00:51:43
Maybe before.
► 00:51:44
It was right.
► 00:51:45
It was the build-up.
► 00:51:46
It was the election.
► 00:51:47
Yeah, it was when Milo was still on Twitter.
► 00:51:48
Yeah.
► 00:51:49
God.
► 00:51:50
Milo was the pinnacle of Twitter.
► 00:51:53
Do you think Elon Musk brings Milo and Trump back?
► 00:51:56
I would hope he does.
► 00:51:57
At least Milo.
► 00:51:58
And Trump too.
► 00:51:59
They're so fun.
► 00:52:00
Give him another chance.
► 00:52:01
It's so fun.
► 00:52:03
Let him tweet, dude.
► 00:52:05
Milo sucks?
► 00:52:06
Yeah, right?
► 00:52:07
No, Milo's the best.
► 00:52:08
He just gets people riled up.
► 00:52:10
I don't know him at all.
► 00:52:12
I've never really...
► 00:52:13
I watched his old stuff when he was like...
► 00:52:17
Really angering people?
► 00:52:18
I liked him when he would go to a college and be like...
► 00:52:20
He's a provocateur.
► 00:52:21
It was funny.
► 00:52:22
He's a very smart guy, very articulate guy, very well-read guy who's a provocateur.
► 00:52:26
In real life he is, but his business was made on talking shit and making people upset with him and saying outrageous things and getting a lot of attention.
► 00:52:35
The one clip he had where somebody, he's in this panel, he's young, he's got this blonde, bleached blonde hair, and some lady's like, you're not a woman, you can't talk on women's issues.
► 00:52:43
And then he waits, he waits, and then he talks about men, and she interrupts and goes, hey, Missy?
► 00:52:47
Pretty much goes, we're talking about men right now, so uh-uh, you don't get the voice in here, right?
► 00:52:52
And then she's just so fucking livid.
► 00:52:54
He was prime, prime troll.
► 00:52:57
He was a contrarian.
► 00:52:59
They took it away.
► 00:53:00
The problem was he was too effective.
► 00:53:02
And he was one of the first guys that Twitter banned.
► 00:53:04
And they banned him under this pretense that he was having people...
► 00:53:08
There's people that are going after Leslie Jones.
► 00:53:11
And you see, I tried to press them when they were on the podcast.
► 00:53:15
Yeah.
► 00:53:15
But they wouldn't admit to this.
► 00:53:16
But they were saying, essentially, that he had more than one account under his name.
► 00:53:19
But he worked for Daily Wire at the time, right?
► 00:53:21
Was it Daily Wire?
► 00:53:22
No.
► 00:53:23
I don't remember.
► 00:53:23
Was it...
► 00:53:24
What was the...
► 00:53:26
Breitbart?
► 00:53:27
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Breitbart.
► 00:53:28
Breitbart?
► 00:53:29
But he, you know, there's probably other employees from that same office that shared that IP address that were also logging on, but they tried to attribute, they were saying that he had multiple accounts.
► 00:53:39
They're using excuse to get rid of him.
► 00:53:40
Maybe.
► 00:53:40
I don't know.
► 00:53:41
It's hard to say.
► 00:53:42
I mean, yeah.
► 00:53:42
But when I pressed them on the show, they were fucking, they were, like, doing legalese calculations in their head as to what they would say.
► 00:53:50
How do we justify this one?
► 00:53:51
The reality is we just didn't like him.
► 00:53:53
I wonder why they have to even worry about legal issues.
► 00:53:55
It's their company.
► 00:53:57
They're getting sued left and right by a bunch of people.
► 00:54:02
Multiple people are in the process of suing them.
► 00:54:05
Oh, I'm talking about Twitter.
► 00:54:08
I would imagine he is suing Hillary.
► 00:54:11
Is he really?
► 00:54:12
For what?
► 00:54:13
I don't know.
► 00:54:14
He should have put her in jail when he said he was gonna.
► 00:54:15
That would have been funny shit.
► 00:54:16
Dude, if he would have locked her up.
► 00:54:17
He said, I'm president, I'll lock you up.
► 00:54:18
I was like, dude, that's so funny.
► 00:54:20
As a non-political guy, that would have been hella fun for me.
► 00:54:22
There's a video.
► 00:54:23
They did like a correspondence thing.
► 00:54:25
Suze Hillary Clinton over 2016 Russian collusion allegations.
► 00:54:28
For sure.
► 00:54:29
She started it.
► 00:54:30
Not only did they start it, but they were actually actively spying on him during the time.
► 00:54:35
And they hired people to infiltrate his servers.
► 00:54:42
They're making him likeable.
► 00:54:44
They're making him very likeable.
► 00:54:46
He's going to run again.
► 00:54:47
Suit alleges racketeering in a conspiracy to commit injurious falsehood, amongst other claims.
► 00:54:52
Clinton representative did not respond to a request for comment.
► 00:54:56
Suit seeks compensatory and punitive damages.
► 00:54:58
Trump said he was forced to incur expenses in an amount to be determined at trial, but known to be in excess of $24 million.
► 00:55:06
And continuing to accrue in the form of defense costs, legal fees, and related expenses.
► 00:55:12
I would love that.
► 00:55:13
What if he wins?
► 00:55:14
Why would it be so funny?
► 00:55:15
I hope he doesn't.
► 00:55:16
There's a lot of evidence.
► 00:55:18
We already got fighting.
► 00:55:20
There's a lot of evidence.
► 00:55:21
Good point.
► 00:55:21
There's a lot of evidence that they colluded against him.
► 00:55:24
There's a lot of evidence they spied on him.
► 00:55:26
A lot of the shit that he was saying that was a wild conspiracy theory...
► 00:55:29
Not really.
► 00:55:30
Turns out.
► 00:55:31
Turns out there was a kernel of truth in a lot of what he was saying.
► 00:55:34
They were actively fucking spying on him.
► 00:55:36
He should've locked her up.
► 00:55:37
A fucking sitting president.
► 00:55:39
That's so fucking fun.
► 00:55:40
Drain that swamp.
► 00:55:41
They did like a thing.
► 00:55:42
They do this thing.
► 00:55:43
It used to be almost like the correspondence dinner.
► 00:55:46
It was like right before or after the last debate.
► 00:55:48
Him and Hillary and a bunch of political people had, like, a roast.
► 00:55:52
And, like, they joke around and shit.
► 00:55:54
And one of Trump's jokes was, he's like, it's good to see Hillary.
► 00:55:57
When she walked by my chair, I bumped into her and she said, pardon me.
► 00:56:02
Because he was going to arrest her.
► 00:56:04
And he's like, maybe I will.
► 00:56:05
I don't know.
► 00:56:06
Oh, that's great.
► 00:56:06
Oh, nice, dude.
► 00:56:08
Well, I want to thank your eminence.
► 00:56:10
This is really good.
► 00:56:10
Dude, he kills for like the first half.
► 00:56:14
He's a fucking pope.
► 00:56:16
Bombs, dude.
► 00:56:16
Oh yeah, it's a Catholic thing.
► 00:56:17
It's a bishop thing.
► 00:56:18
And he's like, yeah, they're going to pretend they like the Catholics, even though they love abortion, like all this shit.
► 00:56:23
Funny guy, man.
► 00:56:24
Oh, Katie Courage.
► 00:56:25
Schumer's going to bring it on.
► 00:56:26
Buddies with Schumer.
► 00:56:27
They were all buddies.
► 00:56:28
Oh yeah.
► 00:56:28
They were all buddies.
► 00:56:28
Best friends.
► 00:56:29
That guy's wicked shiny.
► 00:56:30
Yeah.
► 00:56:31
They're all hammered.
► 00:56:32
Well, they're on that adrenochrome.
► 00:56:34
It's sucking baby blood.
► 00:56:36
Imagine that being that rich with a bow tie and still rocking a comb off.
► 00:56:39
Look at the guy with the glasses.
► 00:56:40
He's like, I'm tricking everybody.
► 00:56:43
This is the Illuminati.
► 00:56:45
Who's the girl in the red?
► 00:56:46
She's something.
► 00:56:47
She looks like an old actress, right?
► 00:56:49
No, she's a news lady.
► 00:56:51
I'm into it.
► 00:56:52
She's a hot old lady.
► 00:56:52
Look at Harry Clinton right there.
► 00:56:54
Let's hear some terror in the middle.
► 00:56:55
The jokes are fucking...
► 00:56:56
Is that Gayle King?
► 00:56:59
...who have known and loved me.
► 00:57:03
For many, many years.
► 00:57:05
She's got one glove, Michael Jackson style.
► 00:57:07
The politicians.
► 00:57:09
They've had me to their homes.
► 00:57:12
They've introduced me to their children.
► 00:57:17
I've become their best friends in many instances.
► 00:57:21
They've asked for my endorsement and they always wanted my money.
► 00:57:26
And even called me really a dear, dear friend, but then suddenly decided when I ran for president as a Republican that I've always been a no-good, rotten, disgusting scoundrel.
► 00:57:43
And they totally forgot about me.
► 00:57:46
But that's okay.
► 00:57:48
You know, they say when you do this kind of an event, you always start out with a self-deprecating joke.
► 00:57:58
Some people think this would be tough for me, but the truth is...
► 00:58:03
Why are they dared again if they're supposed to hate each other?
► 00:58:10
This is before I really sunk in.
► 00:58:12
This is before he won.
► 00:58:13
They were all laughing.
► 00:58:14
They were like, I'm very modest.
► 00:58:16
In fact, many people tell me that modesty is perhaps my best quality.
► 00:58:24
Even better than my temperament.
► 00:58:28
You know, Cardinal Dolan and I have some things in common.
► 00:58:31
For instance, we run impressive properties on Fifth Avenue.
► 00:58:38
Of course, his is much more impressive than mine.
► 00:58:42
That's because I built mine with my own beautifully formed hands.
► 00:58:50
This is terrible.
► 00:58:51
Hold on, he starts killing.
► 00:58:54
Yeah, it's too long.
► 00:58:55
It's like a bad comedy special, like, get to the first joke!
► 00:58:57
He starts crushing.
► 00:58:58
He starts hitting Hillary.
► 00:58:59
If you fast forward to the end, they are turning on him.
► 00:59:03
They turn on him?
► 00:59:04
Yeah, he's getting laughs, and then towards the end, people get, they're like, oh man, I can't support you.
► 00:59:08
for their idea but what are the things i noticed tonight And I've known Hillary for a long time.
► 00:59:21
This is the first time ever, ever, that Hillary is sitting down and speaking to major corporate leaders and not getting paid for it.
► 00:59:34
Hey, she liked it.
► 00:59:35
She has some chompers, dude.
► 00:59:38
You know, last night, I called Hillary.
► 00:59:46
It's funny.
► 00:59:47
You can have to trust me on this.
► 00:59:48
That was like an evening at the improv.
► 00:59:50
That's one of those videos where like, start at this point.
► 00:59:53
Yeah, my bad.
► 00:59:54
You need to find the clips.
► 00:59:55
The highlights.
► 00:59:56
It's a highlight thing.
► 00:59:58
Yikes.
► 00:59:59
Yeah, it's just funny to see them all, like, him and Hillary and everybody.
► 01:00:02
Powing around.
► 01:00:03
That's that shirt I had before.
► 01:00:03
The second he won, they got...
► 01:00:05
Bill Clinton and Epstein.
► 01:00:07
It's like, these guys and Trump, they all were friends.
► 01:00:10
Epstein was CIA, dude.
► 01:00:12
You think so?
► 01:00:12
He was intelligence.
► 01:00:14
Jeffrey Epstein?
► 01:00:15
Without a doubt.
► 01:00:16
United States intelligence?
► 01:00:17
You just mean Jews or intelligence?
► 01:00:18
He was Mossad or CIA. He was one of them.
► 01:00:19
Or maybe together.
► 01:00:20
I mean, they found, when they went to his house, they found rooms.
► 01:00:23
There's cameras in every room.
► 01:00:25
Who's they, and how do you know this?
► 01:00:28
Uh, that Nick Bryant dude I told you about came on ours.
► 01:00:31
He wrote a- yeah, it's crazy.
► 01:00:33
It's crazy.
► 01:00:33
Did he go there and see the cameras?
► 01:00:35
Uh, I think it's public.
► 01:00:37
In rooms?
► 01:00:37
It's public records.
► 01:00:39
Like, the police.
► 01:00:41
I love when Joe calls you on your fax and you're like, I don't know, I kind of know it.
► 01:00:43
But if that's the case, if that's the case, where are the tapes?
► 01:00:47
Who's got the tapes?
► 01:00:48
They're not coming out.
► 01:00:50
Dude, alright, here's how it's very clear he's intelligent.
► 01:00:53
He got arrested by the Palm Beach Police Department.
► 01:00:56
Mm-hmm.
► 01:00:57
In early 2000s, maybe 90s, whatever.
► 01:01:00
He was charged with like 32 counts.
► 01:01:03
32 different underage girls.
► 01:01:05
Wow.
► 01:01:06
They were like, alright, we're not gonna take it to trial.
► 01:01:08
We're gonna take it to a grand jury or whatever that thing is.
► 01:01:10
Where it's sealed.
► 01:01:12
Nobody can find out about it.
► 01:01:13
He got charged with one count and he served 13 months.
► 01:01:18
And it was like a work release thing.
► 01:01:20
Yeah, he was able to leave and fuck kids.
► 01:01:23
Was he fucking the kids or just providing the others?
► 01:01:25
I think he was hooking it up.
► 01:01:26
What's this, Jamie?
► 01:01:27
Drone footage from when they were raiding his island in the Caribbean.
► 01:01:30
Filled with cameras.
► 01:01:32
NYPD and FBI. Why is the NYPD there?
► 01:01:36
Well, because he had a house in New York.
► 01:01:38
I mean, he allegedly did some crimes in New York.
► 01:01:41
Look into it.
► 01:01:42
He had a crazy house in New York that somebody gifted him.
► 01:01:45
The guy who was the CEO of Victoria's Secrets.
► 01:01:47
Is that what it was?
► 01:01:48
Yeah, that dude.
► 01:01:49
I think that was it.
► 01:01:49
He's in on it.
► 01:01:50
There was a lot of guys that had to resign because they donated like $150 million to Epstein.
► 01:01:56
And people were like, why'd you give him that much money?
► 01:01:58
Because he runs a good party.
► 01:01:59
He was a great guy.
► 01:02:01
He had a killer party.
► 01:02:02
Really knew how to do stuff with money.
► 01:02:06
But the police in Florida were like, we were told he was intelligent.
► 01:02:11
Yes, I've heard that.
► 01:02:12
They had a quote because they were like, how is this happening?
Obscene Jokes and Inclusivity
00:15:40
► 01:02:15
How is he getting 18 months or whatever?
► 01:02:18
18 year olds.
► 01:02:19
Yeah, they were probably like, how do I get in that fucking house?
► 01:02:24
I'm thinking of Victoria's Secret.
► 01:02:26
You see the Down Syndrome model?
► 01:02:29
Yeah.
► 01:02:29
Oh, nice.
► 01:02:30
Yeah, pull her up.
► 01:02:31
Fire her up.
► 01:02:31
She's hot.
► 01:02:33
Very hot.
► 01:02:33
Yeah.
► 01:02:34
That's a weird situation.
► 01:02:35
That was another obscene thing.
► 01:02:37
The guy who donated was like, hey, I really love Down's kids.
► 01:02:39
No.
► 01:02:40
Can you provide that for me?
► 01:02:41
Oh, yeah, the Victoria's Secret guy.
► 01:02:42
Yeah.
► 01:02:44
It's my kink.
► 01:02:45
It's funny because she's still hot.
► 01:02:47
So, like, they're inclusive, but they're still shallow.
► 01:02:50
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
► 01:02:52
That's her?
► 01:02:53
Get the better picture.
► 01:02:54
That's the picture.
► 01:02:54
That's the picture.
► 01:02:55
In the words of David Tell, those titties ain't retarded.
► 01:02:59
Oh, how dare you.
► 01:03:00
That's Dave's joke.
► 01:03:01
There was a guy that I knew that was a counselor.
► 01:03:07
A guy that I knew was a counselor and he worked with mentally challenged people and he said they're always fucking.
► 01:03:13
Of course.
► 01:03:14
Because they don't know how they're not supposed to.
► 01:03:15
Inhibitions are gone or whatever.
► 01:03:17
More than I do.
► 01:03:17
But they just masturbate all the time.
► 01:03:19
And apparently they're huge dongs.
► 01:03:21
You know what?
► 01:03:22
You heard that?
► 01:03:23
Oh.
► 01:03:24
We've got multiple conversations going simultaneously.
► 01:03:27
We've got to avoid that.
► 01:03:28
Oh, yeah, yeah.
► 01:03:28
Yeah, where did you hear they got huge dogs?
► 01:03:31
I think it's just common knowledge.
► 01:03:33
Big fat fingers?
► 01:03:34
Boys have hammers.
► 01:03:35
Yeah, you've heard that.
► 01:03:36
The boys have hammers.
► 01:03:37
I mean, I bet you could pull that up.
► 01:03:39
I guarantee they'll go home again immediately.
► 01:03:41
I bet some guys would be like, wait, okay, how much downs can I still have a big dick and be functional?
► 01:03:46
Do you think of some chicks who love fucking downs, boys?
► 01:03:49
Yeah.
► 01:03:49
It must be, right?
► 01:03:50
People tattoo their eyeballs.
► 01:03:52
Well, they're very strong, man.
► 01:03:53
Very strong.
► 01:03:54
They can pick up cars.
► 01:03:55
There's a group of people for everything out there in this world.
► 01:03:57
Oh, yeah.
► 01:03:57
And women love someone you can change.
► 01:03:59
They're just my favorite.
► 01:04:00
You can't change them.
► 01:04:02
My buddy.
► 01:04:03
My buddy.
► 01:04:03
Stems.
► 01:04:04
My buddy Spud had a friend who- Spud?
► 01:04:06
Spud had- he was buddies with a guy with downs, and he said this dude ripped- they were playing basketball outside, and then he ripped the hoop out of the ground.
► 01:04:16
They were all like, what the fuck?
► 01:04:18
You see?
► 01:04:19
I could squeeze that ball if they wanted.
► 01:04:20
He was just like, ah!
► 01:04:22
Oh my god.
► 01:04:23
Isn't that the story of Rudy?
► 01:04:25
Basically.
► 01:04:26
I mean, right?
► 01:04:26
He's like a football player, but he's challenged.
► 01:04:28
Is he challenged?
► 01:04:29
No, no, no.
► 01:04:30
Instagram account?
► 01:04:31
Oh, no.
► 01:04:32
Verified account.
► 01:04:33
Drag syndrome?
► 01:04:35
Drag syndrome.
► 01:04:36
Oh, my God.
► 01:04:36
I'm not trashing these dudes.
► 01:04:37
They're having a good time.
► 01:04:38
They're not dudes.
► 01:04:39
They're girls, you son of a bitch.
► 01:04:40
No, no, no.
► 01:04:41
They're drags.
► 01:04:42
They're drags.
► 01:04:42
Drags are just regular dudes.
► 01:04:44
The first one had Gillis facial hair.
► 01:04:45
Wait a minute, but drags aren't facial hair.
► 01:04:49
That's an attack, dude.
► 01:04:50
Oh, come on.
► 01:04:51
You keep looking like a Korean warrior.
► 01:04:53
I'm excited about this facial hair, dude.
► 01:04:55
I'm glad you brought it up.
► 01:04:56
Alright.
► 01:04:57
Your mustache?
► 01:04:58
Yeah.
► 01:04:58
What are you doing with that?
► 01:04:59
Is that new?
► 01:04:59
No.
► 01:05:00
People keep telling me to get rid of it.
► 01:05:02
Is that a gag?
► 01:05:02
It looks like a Chinese emperor.
► 01:05:03
Yeah, that's what I'm going for.
► 01:05:04
Is it a gag, rather?
► 01:05:06
I mean, I don't think it looks great.
► 01:05:07
So why you keep it?
► 01:05:09
Well, because I've had enough people around me be like, shave that.
► 01:05:12
I'm like, well, now I'm not.
► 01:05:13
I think it looks cool, bro.
► 01:05:14
You know what I mean?
► 01:05:15
I get it.
► 01:05:16
I'm not getting, like, my girlfriend's like, yeah, you should get rid of it.
► 01:05:18
I'm like, well, now I'm not.
► 01:05:19
Do you understand this?
► 01:05:20
She's got her slapped.
► 01:05:21
Yeah.
► 01:05:22
Will Smith.
► 01:05:22
Will Smith, dude.
► 01:05:24
I wonder how you would look, like, is it good with the chin hair?
► 01:05:28
Does that balance it out?
► 01:05:29
Don't worry, dude.
► 01:05:29
I'm thinking, like, maybe no chin hair.
► 01:05:31
There's nothing we can do to make this.
► 01:05:32
But I'm thinking, full man chew.
► 01:05:34
No, I'm thinking more offensive would be no chin hair at all, just a mustache.
► 01:05:38
Just a mustache is wild looking on me.
► 01:05:40
Is it?
► 01:05:41
It's funny too.
► 01:05:41
That's all I'm seeing because I don't see your chin because of the mic.
► 01:05:44
It's pretty fuzzy down there.
► 01:05:45
Yeah, it's not good.
► 01:05:47
I know it's not thick.
► 01:05:48
Burn it off.
► 01:05:49
Burn it off.
► 01:05:50
You can burn it off real quick.
► 01:05:51
Burn it off.
► 01:05:52
That'll smell.
► 01:05:52
Yeah, just give it a buzz.
► 01:05:55
What's funny is if I shave it, just the mustache, pure John Candy.
► 01:05:59
Really?
► 01:06:00
Yeah.
► 01:06:00
He's funny.
► 01:06:00
And what's funny is the last couple, like, anytime I'm talking to, like, agents or whatever about, like, a thing, they're like, I mean, we think you could, you're like, you could be John Goodman, Farley.
► 01:06:10
I'm like, yo, why are you guys...
► 01:06:12
Ralphie Mae.
► 01:06:13
Why are you guys hippies?
► 01:06:14
Almost dead or now dead.
► 01:06:17
Yeah, what the fuck are you guys doing?
► 01:06:18
You could die of an overdose of hamburgers in no time.
► 01:06:21
Has anybody...
► 01:06:24
You're working out a lot now.
► 01:06:27
Not a lot.
► 01:06:28
I'm trying, dude.
► 01:06:28
Well, I'm watching you on Instagram.
► 01:06:29
I'm working on it.
► 01:06:30
I sent you that picture.
► 01:06:32
You look good.
► 01:06:32
You look better, for sure.
► 01:06:33
You absolutely look better.
► 01:06:34
It's coming back a little.
► 01:06:35
Has anybody said, well, you know, you got a kind of specific type for casting.
► 01:06:39
Maybe it would be a good idea to not lose weight.
► 01:06:41
Oh, no, no, no.
► 01:06:42
I'm not losing it.
► 01:06:43
Someone said that to Kevin James.
► 01:06:45
Really?
► 01:06:46
Yeah, I told him to fuck off.
► 01:06:48
He's like, you're losing weight, you're losing rolls.
► 01:06:50
That's what he said.
► 01:06:51
Literally.
► 01:06:52
Yeah, literally said that to him.
► 01:06:53
Yeah, he literally was losing rolls.
► 01:06:55
Sparky...
► 01:06:55
What was his name?
► 01:06:57
Sparky...
► 01:06:57
He was a bouncer in Long Island.
► 01:06:59
Big fat guy from McHale's Navy.
► 01:07:01
Frazier?
► 01:07:03
Sparky something.
► 01:07:04
He was this big fat guy.
► 01:07:05
He got tons of rolls, and then he lost 250 pounds.
► 01:07:07
And then Hollywood's like, yeah, that's it.
► 01:07:10
Wow!
► 01:07:10
What?
► 01:07:11
Yeah, well, if you're a big fat guy in movies and then you lose a ton of weight...
► 01:07:15
Yeah, you're not a leading man.
► 01:07:16
You're not a handsome guy.
► 01:07:17
Yeah, you don't have a name.
► 01:07:18
You're doing bit rules.
► 01:07:19
Interesting.
► 01:07:19
That's true.
► 01:07:20
Yeah.
► 01:07:21
Seinfeld has that rule.
► 01:07:22
If you go up or down 20 pounds, your act is different.
► 01:07:26
I agree with that.
► 01:07:26
People see you differently.
► 01:07:27
Cute girls can do a different act than you can do.
► 01:07:30
Like, you can get away with certain jokes.
► 01:07:31
Silverman can get away with jokes that you and I can't get away with.
► 01:07:33
Love a good fat girl.
► 01:07:35
On stage?
► 01:07:36
Nice chubby lady?
► 01:07:37
Yeah.
► 01:07:37
That's comedy.
► 01:07:38
Although chubby ladies have gotten a little fucking uppity lately.
► 01:07:41
Have they?
► 01:07:41
Yeah, you know the fat ones out there.
► 01:07:43
They're all doing Thea Vidal.
► 01:07:44
They're all just doing an impression like, I don't give a shit!
► 01:07:46
It's like, you're all just doing Thea Vidal.
► 01:07:48
Well wait, that's not what I meant.
► 01:07:49
You went black on us.
► 01:07:50
Yeah, that's not what I meant.
► 01:07:51
What do you mean?
► 01:07:54
No, I mean, like, uh...
► 01:07:56
One more Bud Light, we're gonna review this question.
► 01:07:58
Yeah, we'll go.
► 01:07:59
It's like, no, it's like, uh, being fat is the best.
► 01:08:02
It's like, well, take it easy.
► 01:08:03
Oh, right.
► 01:08:04
You know what's the best?
► 01:08:04
It's when a fat girl, like, whoever, Taylor, not Taylor Swift.
► 01:08:08
No, she's not.
► 01:08:09
Adele.
► 01:08:10
Adele, or whatever, and they're like, we love you, be whoever you are, and they lose weight, and all these fat chicks are like, fuck you.
► 01:08:15
Oh, yeah.
► 01:08:15
I get it.
► 01:08:16
Look, I get it, dude.
► 01:08:17
I mean, obviously they're wrong, but you're feeling betrayed a little bit.
► 01:08:20
Yeah, because she was one of you.
► 01:08:21
I mean, that must have been how the black people felt with Michael Jackson.
► 01:08:24
When he went white.
► 01:08:25
Yeah, they're like, wait a second.
► 01:08:26
But then when he went pedophile, they're like, he's white.
► 01:08:29
Keep him, keep him.
► 01:08:31
Keep him.
► 01:08:31
They never believed it.
► 01:08:33
That's right.
► 01:08:34
A lot of people never believed it.
► 01:08:35
Yeah, I like that.
► 01:08:37
What, they don't believe it?
► 01:08:38
I love just being like, nah.
► 01:08:40
Cosby, too.
► 01:08:41
Cosby, too, they're like, uh-uh.
► 01:08:42
No thanks.
► 01:08:43
The only one they did do that was R. Kelly.
► 01:08:45
They're like, oh yeah, he did it.
► 01:08:46
Yeah.
► 01:08:47
Well, there was a tape.
► 01:08:47
He pissed on those kids.
► 01:08:49
There was a tape of his new age.
► 01:08:50
But the tape came out, and he was still fine.
► 01:08:53
Well, he said it wasn't me.
► 01:08:55
I think that was Shaggy.
► 01:08:57
It wasn't me.
► 01:08:58
He's currently incarcerated, right?
► 01:09:00
Yeah.
► 01:09:01
Yeah.
► 01:09:01
So I guess it was him.
► 01:09:03
Aren't you glad you're not into that?
► 01:09:04
Yeah.
► 01:09:05
I mean, it's not...
► 01:09:05
Imagine if that was a thing.
► 01:09:06
You wanted to piss on kids.
► 01:09:08
It's like, you love a lot of things, but what you really love.
► 01:09:12
I would love to piss on a kid, but not in a sexual way.
► 01:09:15
I've done it.
► 01:09:17
I was a bed wetter.
► 01:09:18
I've peed on a lot of kids, but it was unintentional.
► 01:09:20
Sleepovers?
► 01:09:21
Yeah.
► 01:09:22
I would really get my ass kicked.
► 01:09:23
That fucked you up.
► 01:09:23
It did.
► 01:09:24
Bill's character.
► 01:09:25
Maybe we did a podcast about it.
► 01:09:27
You wet bed?
► 01:09:29
Yeah.
► 01:09:29
Until 16?
► 01:09:30
Something like that.
► 01:09:30
Yeah, 14. Do you think the R. Kelly thing was like what we were talking about before with David Bowie and Mick Jagger?
► 01:09:35
You just get so much pussy.
► 01:09:37
You lose your fucking mind.
► 01:09:38
No, I think he's off.
► 01:09:39
He's just got a problem.
► 01:09:40
He's just a wild dude.
► 01:09:41
Yeah.
► 01:09:42
I mean, I'm not like...
► 01:09:43
He's broken.
► 01:09:43
He got the allowance to do what he wanted, and then he found out, let me try everything.
► 01:09:49
He's like, oh, this is what I want.
► 01:09:50
And he kind of started a sex cult, right?
► 01:09:51
Yeah, dude, he had them in, like, the walls.
► 01:09:53
Yeah, dungeons.
► 01:09:54
He was, like, open a closet, there'd be a girl, and they're like...
► 01:09:58
Help me!
► 01:10:00
Nobody tricked him.
► 01:10:03
Their parents would try to get them and be like, you need help.
► 01:10:06
This guy's bad.
► 01:10:07
And they'd be like, fuck you.
► 01:10:08
Leave me alone.
► 01:10:09
I'm 18. Yeah, dude.
► 01:10:10
You saw the thing from Africa?
► 01:10:11
He had a dungeon, dude.
► 01:10:12
What?
► 01:10:13
Do you saw the thing from his concert?
► 01:10:14
No.
► 01:10:15
Have you had your shots?
► 01:10:16
Do you want to come to America?
► 01:10:18
Oh, yeah.
► 01:10:19
To live in Rob's house.
► 01:10:21
Wow.
► 01:10:22
Do you have your shots?
► 01:10:24
Do you have your passport?
► 01:10:25
Find that.
► 01:10:25
Find that.
► 01:10:26
Shots.
► 01:10:27
Find that.
► 01:10:27
What shots?
► 01:10:28
First off, he rules.
► 01:10:30
I still say, I maintain to this day that Real Talk is one of the greatest music videos the world has ever known.
► 01:10:37
It was real.
► 01:10:37
Which one was that?
► 01:10:38
Real Talk?
► 01:10:40
Did you get your shots?
► 01:10:42
Girl, would you like to come back with Rob?
► 01:10:46
To America America Did you get your shots?
► 01:10:50
Do you have your passport?
► 01:10:52
I would like to come back.
► 01:10:53
Damn.
► 01:10:57
He's like the Pied Piper of the better.
► 01:11:00
That's what he was.
► 01:11:01
He called himself a Pied Piper.
► 01:11:02
Oh, he did?
► 01:11:02
Yeah.
► 01:11:03
Oh, shit.
► 01:11:03
I like how he brings a towel on stage.
► 01:11:07
He's sweating so much.
► 01:11:10
You can often hand it to someone in the front row and let them wipe off and sweat.
► 01:11:15
He's singing passionately.
► 01:11:17
That's another thing he does is like the soap opera thing he did.
► 01:11:21
You remember that?
► 01:11:22
Oh, yeah.
► 01:11:22
Trapped in the Closet.
► 01:11:23
Yeah, Trapped in the Closet.
► 01:11:25
That's not real talk?
► 01:11:26
No, Trapped in the Closet was like multiple, multiple songs.
► 01:11:29
There was a midget under the sink.
► 01:11:31
That's what happened.
► 01:11:32
It was basically an opera.
► 01:11:33
Oh my god, a midget!
► 01:11:35
No!
► 01:11:36
Pull it up!
► 01:11:38
It's funny, he's like, before you do Trap in the Closet, I need to see Real Talk.
► 01:11:43
It's him talking to a girl, and she's accusing him of cheating, and he's getting his hair done, and he's smoking cigars, and he's like, what?
► 01:11:51
What did I do?
► 01:11:53
He sings in conversation, like that.
► 01:11:56
He's like, do you have your passport?
► 01:11:57
Do you want to come to a marriage?
► 01:11:58
There's no rhyming or anything.
► 01:11:59
No.
► 01:11:59
He just...
► 01:12:00
...because I think it's a great song, you know what I'm saying, even though there's a lot of profanity in it, but...
► 01:12:06
I think this guy just got crack blown in his ass.
► 01:12:08
That's the guy.
► 01:12:11
You know what I'm saying?
► 01:12:12
So I did it on YouTube, but I'm going to do this shit for y'all on YouTube.
► 01:12:16
2007. Wow, dude.
► 01:12:21
Didn't South Park do this?
► 01:12:22
Or they did the closet?
► 01:12:24
They did the closet.
► 01:12:24
We're gonna be real, man.
► 01:12:25
I'm just gonna be real.
► 01:12:26
We're just gonna roll to them and we're gonna do it.
► 01:12:28
I'm doing this for the fans that I know around the globe that love real talk.
► 01:12:34
Girl, I wasn't...
► 01:12:35
Wait a minute, calm down.
► 01:12:41
I was at a club with who?
► 01:12:44
Get the...
► 01:12:45
Friends don't care.
► 01:12:47
You know what?
► 01:12:49
Girl, I'm not about to sit up here and argue with you about who's to blame.
► 01:12:53
Or call no names.
► 01:12:54
Real talk.
► 01:12:55
See, girl.
► 01:12:57
Only thing I'm trying to establish with you is not who's right or who's wrong.
► 01:13:01
What's right and what's wrong?
► 01:13:04
Real talk.
► 01:13:04
This is the best part, right here.
► 01:13:09
Sitting in VIP, smoking and drinking and kicking it.
► 01:13:13
tell me girl did she say there were other guys there did she say there were other guys there well there are other guys there well tell me this how the fuck she know i was with the mother girl that's so flimsy let me tell you what It's so good.
► 01:13:33
It's so good.
► 01:13:36
It's just funny because everybody knows he's lying.
► 01:13:38
He obviously was with the other girl.
► 01:13:41
Of course.
► 01:13:44
Oh, man.
► 01:13:55
It's not real talk at all.
► 01:13:59
You ever see a video of that guy sing to the judge, his apology?
► 01:14:06
No.
► 01:14:06
Jamie, see if you can find it.
► 01:14:08
Dude.
► 01:14:08
Hold on.
► 01:14:09
Oh yeah.
► 01:14:09
Oh my god, a midget.
► 01:14:11
Oh yeah, I gotta see this.
► 01:14:13
Oh, it's fucking...
► 01:14:14
Peter Dinklage?
► 01:14:15
No, it's...
► 01:14:17
Oh, with the wire guy.
► 01:14:20
Anthony...
► 01:14:21
Michael K. Williams.
► 01:14:21
Michael K. Williams.
► 01:14:23
Michael, he was in this?
► 01:14:25
Yeah.
► 01:14:26
She looked at the cabinet.
► 01:14:36
He walked to the cabinet.
► 01:14:39
There's a crew and camera men and lighting guys here.
► 01:15:00
Imagine the guys who have to record this like, what the fuck is going on?
► 01:15:05
They didn't show the midget coming out?
► 01:15:06
Yeah, no midget.
► 01:15:08
The midget comes in the next episode.
► 01:15:10
Oh, right.
► 01:15:11
It was an ongoing.
► 01:15:12
It's a cliffhanger.
► 01:15:12
Dude, was he trying to be funny?
► 01:15:14
No!
► 01:15:15
That's the beauty.
► 01:15:16
It's totally sincere.
► 01:15:17
It's madness.
► 01:15:18
It's almost like there was no editing at all.
► 01:15:20
Like, whatever he wrote, he started singing.
► 01:15:23
Yes.
► 01:15:25
Is that Bushwick Bill?
► 01:15:26
Yeah, L probably is.
► 01:15:30
He kicked him in the shin!
► 01:15:32
He dives over the table and lands on the midget I've never seen this!
► 01:15:38
Bridget, Bridget, she yells "Darling don't hurt us" Her name is Bridget?
► 01:15:44
Yeah, Bridget the Midget!
► 01:15:46
Why is he in a suit?