April 7, 2022 - The Joe Rogan Experience
04:17:53
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they're back. | |
| We're rolling, officially. | ||
| What? | ||
| Protect our parks. | ||
| It's here. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| Because we have one less. | ||
| It's time to protect our parks. | ||
| So from the time of Protect Our Parks, we officially have lost one park. | ||
| We have lost one park. | ||
| So we're not protecting shit. | ||
| We have done zero saving of parks. | ||
| Everyone says you have a big reach is wrong because you protected O for one parks. | ||
| It did nothing. | ||
| It became the opposite of a park. | ||
| They built a fucking jail on it. | ||
| They're going to. | ||
| They're going to jail? | ||
| I saw signs like, hey, we have to tear down the rest of it too. | ||
| But they're not jailing anybody. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| The thing about New York is they're letting everybody out. | ||
| They let some guy out for murder. | ||
| He just shot somebody and they let him out with no bail. | ||
| And everybody's like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| Who'd he kill? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They arrested him for murder. | ||
| It was like this outrage article. | ||
| He'll beat up an Asian lady soon. | ||
| That seems to be the pattern. | ||
| I feel horrible for these women. | ||
| Quit hanging out outside prisons. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| That's a wild take, right? | ||
| People that think that all Asians are responsible for COVID, so you just go up to Asians and punch them. | ||
| When it gets down to the lowest level reaction to a crisis, I see a lot of people today that are really pissed at Russian people, boycotting Russians. | ||
| There's some restaurant here. | ||
| They're not sending money back for the cause. | ||
| Russia house. | ||
| Cut the Russia off their name. | ||
| And now it just says house. | ||
| Remember when we made french fries into freedom fries? | ||
| And we're like, we're doing something. | ||
| We're fucking idiots. | ||
| What a dumb fucking place we left. | ||
| How about the dummies that pour their vodka down the toilet? | ||
| Like, hey, stupid, you already bought that. | ||
| They have your money. | ||
| How about have a free vodka party? | ||
| Give it to a refugee! | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I was in Salt Lake when it started and they had like a law, they were like, we're banning Russian vodka. | ||
| The club owner was like, what the fuck? | ||
| It's not state run. | ||
| This is all my money. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| Exactly, I already bought it. | ||
| Yeah, what about Russian dressing? | ||
| Not only that, it's just fucking people. | ||
| Imagine if you're like some hardcore lefty communist and you sell something and then they say, oh America, America's bombed fucking Yemen. | ||
| We can't sell American products anymore, so your American products now are useless. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| You'd be like, what? | ||
| I'm Tom's of Maine, I give my head to homeless. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm Ben and Jerry, I'm a communist. | |
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I'm a Jew with no sense of taste. | ||
| That communist flavor is pretty good though. | ||
| Ben& Jerry's, it's just vanilla. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is a communist thing? | |
| There was something there, but that wasn't it. | ||
| Let's punch that up. | ||
| What's a communist... | ||
| You can't report on the flavors right now. | ||
| They're all working together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, I don't know anything about communism. | ||
| So I couldn't write the joke. | ||
| It would have to be a joke where, like, you buy ice cream for everybody. | ||
| Talk to Yoko Smirnoff so he can come up with something for you. | ||
| In communist Russia, ice cream eat you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| How come my little sign isn't on? | ||
| It shorted out? | ||
| Oh, because it shorted a little bit. | ||
| I was pressing buttons, but it was changing the color of the UFO. I'm a child. | ||
| You love aliens. | ||
| Gadgets. | ||
| I'm obsessed. | ||
| Not illegal. | ||
| I'm obsessed with aliens. | ||
| I like them too. | ||
| Well, I was obsessed with alien aliens from other planets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's going on with them? | ||
| I think if Russia starts launching nukes, I think they'll probably show up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hey, aliens. | ||
| That's a wrap. | ||
| It's time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You guys fucked this up. | ||
| We've been observing for too long. | ||
| We've got to step in. | ||
| They saw it the first time and they were like, well, the Japanese had it coming. | ||
| I saw the first one go off, and they were like, nice. | ||
| They're closest to us, so let it happen. | ||
| That's when there was the big uptick in UFO sightings. | ||
| That's when it all started. | ||
| What? | ||
| It was after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| That's when all the UFO sightings started happening. | ||
| That's Roswell, New Mexico. | ||
| That's the ones over D.C. All the big UFO sightings happened after the nuclear bombs. | ||
| What's the connection? | ||
| The thought in the conspiracy, the crazy people, like who knows what they're really seeing, right? | ||
| They could be all full of shit or crazy. | ||
| But the thought is that the aliens are coming to observe because they realize we now have nuclear weapons. | ||
| So they've decided to make a trip to Earth to see what these fucking crazy monkeys with nuclear weapons or territorial, what they're up to. | ||
| Weren't they having sightings at missile silos and shit? | ||
| Not just sightings, but they shut down nuclear facilities, like nuclear weapons facilities. | ||
| They shut them down. | ||
| They shut their computers off. | ||
| Because they're going to come get it. | ||
| I think they're basically letting you know, like, watch what we can do. | ||
| We'll just shut off all your power. | ||
| The aliens, man. | ||
| Yeah, hover over your facility, shut everything down. | ||
| But who knows if it's true? | ||
| You know, unless you're there. | ||
| Oh, it's true. | ||
| Unless you're there. | ||
| I mean, there's some things that I've seen, some videos that I've seen that are fucking wild, like the fighter pilot videos where they're watching this thing move at insane rates of speed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I saw that. | ||
| But other than that... | ||
| That was Tony's career. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I... Your solo's taking off, though. | ||
| It's a compliment. | ||
| It's doing well. | ||
| The cattle mutilations, they never solved it. | ||
| It's complimenting Tony's career. | ||
| Cut it out. | ||
| I knew you were going to come on here and be a nasty son of a bitch with your fucking bad suit. | ||
| You look like the diddler. | ||
| I can't believe that suit wasn't the diddler. | ||
| You look like a Jewish pedophile. | ||
| Hey, kids, you want to buy some candy? | ||
| You mean a Jew? | ||
| You mean pedophile? | ||
| I can't believe that suit just fits you perfectly, and you found it at a thrift store. | ||
| Thrift store in New Orleans. | ||
| It's perfect for you. | ||
| It's like the exact size, and you're in odd shape. | ||
| You had to get that tailored, come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zip. | |
| I go to a tailor, not this one. | ||
| Zip. | ||
| I wore it on stage in New Orleans. | ||
| I tried it off, and I'm like, oh yeah, I gotta do something special for you guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, what show? | |
| A couple years ago. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Oh, this is old. | ||
| It's like two years old. | ||
| Oh, I thought you just got it. | ||
| Right before COVID. I had to bring something to the Comedy Story anniversary. | ||
| He actually hung on to that suit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It cost me 60 bucks. | ||
| I'm not made of money. | ||
| That's even past what Stanhope would wear. | ||
| That's beyond. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stanhope would have different pants. | ||
| He'd have pants that didn't match. | ||
| It's like a rich, quick suit. | ||
| Remember that guy, Matthew Letzko? | ||
| With the riddles? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| What's he doing now? | ||
| Why has he not been on this podcast? | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| Get him on! | ||
| When are you going to stop working for the state? | ||
| He's probably rich as hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get this guy on. | |
| Probably. | ||
| I think my time for the state is almost up. | ||
| I have a couple more years I have to put in. | ||
| Him and that Asian guy on the boat. | ||
| Remember that Asian guy? | ||
| Like, you want to be rich like me? | ||
| With all the women around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I've got pussy for days. | |
| Fuck, I don't remember that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was his name? | |
| Oh, there he is. | ||
| Oh, there's Ari! | ||
| It's been two years with a better hair. | ||
| Matthew Lesko. | ||
| Lesko! | ||
| Yeah, let's go, let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's he today? | |
| Free money. | ||
| There's free money out there. | ||
| There's Grants. | ||
| This guy was big. | ||
| There's Grants. | ||
| I wrote the book on it. | ||
| Do you think he's poor now? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I think he's got a house. | ||
| He's probably dead. | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Yeah, let's find out. | ||
| When this infomercial came on, it was, like, exciting. | ||
| I thought about doing it. | ||
| Where is he? | ||
| Where is he, Ari? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Find him. | |
| He's 78 years old. | ||
| He's on YouTube now. | ||
| All right, let's click on his YouTube channel. | ||
| Instagram. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's got an Instagram post. | ||
| 4,000 followers! | ||
| He looks rough. | ||
| Oh, he's gone trans. | ||
| Mortgage payments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But look at this. | |
| It also includes utility payments, homeowner insurance payments, property taxes. | ||
| What do you think, Jewish over under? | ||
| Internet! | ||
| I think 98%. | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| So he doesn't have any followers. | ||
| He looks like the Queen of Mean. | ||
| He's like a gay David Lynch. | ||
| Who's the Queen of Mean? | ||
| But I don't remember her name anymore. | ||
| Lampanelli? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lampanelli. | ||
| He looks a lot like thin Lampanelli. | ||
| Didn't she retire? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lampanelli retired from the video that went around of her having a meltdown. | ||
| It was very strange. | ||
| That was bad. | ||
| Somebody's heckling her and she got real serious. | ||
| She snapped on stage. | ||
| Not even an event center. | ||
| Town Hall or something. | ||
| Whatever it was, she was angry. | ||
| Like, you know, where a comic crosses that line, like, I don't need this! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't need that shit! | |
| The Michael Richards effect. | ||
| There's something about that line. | ||
| Like, when Will Smith slapped Chris Rock, Chris Rock talked to Will Smith, and then he went back to the script. | ||
| When he went back to the script, it was like, oh, this is wild, because you're watching one of the best comics in the world. | ||
| Bomb. | ||
| Because that's bomb. | ||
| He has to bomb. | ||
| With that one joke, he bombed. | ||
| Because he's in an impossible situation. | ||
| There's no way anyone's just going to transition to the fact that you're doing a documentary. | ||
| We all just saw that. | ||
| It's like if a waitress drops a tray of drinks and you're like... | ||
| And then later at the supermarket, I was like, what's wrong with you? | ||
| I mean, think about him, though, like, getting slapped, and literally no one does anything. | ||
| No one does anything. | ||
| No security. | ||
| It's like a funny bone. | ||
| Staring at you, it's terrifying. | ||
| I mean, they kind of seep in, too, that's like, hey, you know how you're in Hollywood? | ||
| You're not. | ||
| That guy's in Hollywood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, true. | |
| You're a visitor. | ||
| You're a comic. | ||
| Yeah, we don't support you as much as we support them. | ||
| Well, they don't even support him. | ||
| They just were... | ||
| Lost sheep without a shepherd, like, oh, what is happening here? | ||
| I mean, I wouldn't have done anything. | ||
| I would have been sitting there like, yo, holy shit. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| Well, how about the fact that they gave him a standing ovation later when he went up to talk and he actually accepted an award after assault and he gets a standing ovation. | ||
| And no one's even going, like, kind of sitting down going, like, what? | ||
| No one in the crowd is going, I don't know. | ||
| No, they clap. | ||
| They're fucking sheep. | ||
| He just hopped on board. | ||
| He just hopped on board. | ||
| I think if it wasn't black on black, it would have been different. | ||
| Different, more fun. | ||
| Oh yeah, if it was like a white guy slapped Chris Rock? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| If they're both white. | ||
| What if Chris Pratt went up and slapped Chris Rock? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| What if it was Danny DeVito? | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it would have to be someone big like Will Smith. | ||
| Will Smith's a big guy. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| If Chris Pratt did it, he's done. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| No, he's definitely not getting an award later. | ||
| You gotta claim drugs. | ||
| You gotta say pills. | ||
| That's the only chance. | ||
| Turn trans. | ||
| Ooh, that's not bad. | ||
| You gotta go non-binary. | ||
| Yeah, pick up swimming. | ||
| I still think it would've been... | ||
| It would have been different if, first of all, Will Smith's in the front row and there's no stage. | ||
| If he had to shimmy out of the fifth row, I think it would have been a different dynamic. | ||
| If it was like, Will Smith, come on down. | ||
| Even then, everybody would have thought he was doing a bit. | ||
| I thought it was a bit. | ||
| Chris Rock thought it was. | ||
| When he walked out, Chris Rock was like, oh, here it comes. | ||
| He had to be. | ||
| That's the only plausible explanation. | ||
| He didn't hit him that hard. | ||
| And when you watch how he hit him, he switched legs. | ||
| So he threw a punch and actually switched legs. | ||
| So it was like he was doing a pro wrestling slap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Golf expert, weigh in. | ||
| He picked that right leg up, which is what you end up picking up. | ||
| Golf expert, bitch. | ||
| I know how to slap people. | ||
| Hey, I'll take that. | ||
| I have a machine out back. | ||
| I will show you that you slap like a bitch. | ||
| It'll register that your technique is terrible. | ||
| When you slap somebody, if you slap someone, it's no different than punching someone. | ||
| You want this foot to be planted. | ||
| This foot's planted and you fucking turn into it and smack someone. | ||
| Like when you watch those guys, they stand across the table and they KO each other with the slaps and the powder goes flying. | ||
| That is so ridiculous. | ||
| Some guys get knocked out with those slaps. | ||
| Well, you're getting slapped as full blast, and if someone hits you with the palm of their hand, you can do something with the palm of your hand that you can't do with your knuckles. | ||
| Like, I could do that and it doesn't hurt at all. | ||
| But if I did that that hard with my knuckles, it would fucking hurt. | ||
| Stay shut by talking about this down. | ||
| Like, a little bit further down than that. | ||
| He hit him with this stuff. | ||
| He hit him with this stuff. | ||
| That's what he hit him with. | ||
| And he didn't hit him. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| Let's watch. | ||
| His mic is right on his bow tie, too, so it sounds louder. | ||
| Let's watch it. | ||
| Watch how he does it. | ||
| Watch the left leg switches and then the right leg goes forward. | ||
| That was pretty good. | ||
| That was as much as I thought. | ||
| I think I have a false memory. | ||
| There's black people, and there's Will Smith. | ||
| A little bit of a ship. | ||
| Oh, you know what it is? | ||
| Slippery shoes. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Slippery shoes. | ||
| And a tuxedo doesn't help. | ||
| But it's definitely not hitting them hard. | ||
| He's hitting them with the fingertips. | ||
| Watch with the impact. | ||
| Let's check the impact. | ||
| It's so dainty. | ||
| Yeah, see, that's where you see the little switch of the legs. | ||
| But he's hitting them with the tips of the fingers. | ||
| It's really not much. | ||
| Kevin Clancy at KFC Radio, he said that that's a Scientology thing. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| They teach you how to slap to get support for yourself if you're being embarrassed. | ||
| So Chris Brown is a Scientologist? | ||
| They teach you how to slap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Are you serious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You're serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Explain. | |
| Not research, but real theory. | ||
| Well, I love it. | ||
| In Scientology. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love a good no research statement. | |
| They teach you how to slap somebody if they give you an offense. | ||
| That is one of the things to get. | ||
| What? | ||
| Not to punch, because you don't want to get in a physical fight, but to slap. | ||
| It's humiliating. | ||
| To get your offense taken care of. | ||
| Getting slapped is humiliating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would have given the Scientology slap. | ||
| It's not meant to hurt. | ||
| That's a Scientology slap. | ||
| That's the theory. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But is this a theory by someone who had this theory before Will Smith smacked Chris Ross? | ||
| Give it a googie. | ||
| A whole Twitter thread about it. | ||
| Okay, look at this. | ||
| The slap is much less interesting when you realize that Will Smith almost certainly went through the Scientology courses that teach you to unapologetically use slaps and physical force to let a fellow Scientologist know they've done something wrong. | ||
| Holy shit, how's that much less interesting? | ||
| That makes it more interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why does that make it much less interesting, Max Burns? | ||
| There's a Scientology course, I guess you'd call it, that involves slapping, physically humiliating fellow Scientologists in a group setting as a means of exerting superiority. | ||
| It is remarkably common within the cult. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Tom Cruise does a similar thing, but his preferred method is shouting an intense personal intimidation Of movie crews. | ||
| And jumping on a couch. | ||
| Scientologists, he feels, aren't fulfilling the KSW ideology, etc. | ||
| It's rare that you see the physical side of it in so public a form. | ||
| But is Smith a Scientologist? | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah. | ||
| Is he 100%? | ||
| Oh yeah, he's big in. | ||
| Cruz, Smith, Brooke Shields, Travolta. | ||
| Let's Google that. | ||
| I know Travolta is. | ||
| Let's Google whether Will Smith is actually a Scientist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beck is? | |
| Beck is, yeah. | ||
| Juliette Lewis is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Juliette Lewis? | ||
| She seems cool. | ||
| There's some good eggs in there. | ||
| Yeah, she's a great egg. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| The ones that are raised in it are cool. | ||
| I fucking love her. | ||
| Yeah, I like her too. | ||
| She's a badass musician. | ||
| You ever see her sing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No. | ||
| She's fucking incredible. | ||
| Why Will and Jada are the worst. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Where is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking first thing that's New York Post. | |
| By the way, that's in 2021! | ||
| That's way before. | ||
| Nothing to do with this. | ||
| That's red table shit. | ||
| Willow and Jaden attempted Smith's short-lived school. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| They had a school for a while. | ||
| Widely believed to be a center of Scientology called the New Village Leadership. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Hollywood's totally normal. | ||
| Everybody there, you should definitely take the word for everything. | ||
| For everything. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're the trendsetters. | ||
| They're the reason why I'm alive. | ||
| What a garbage place. | ||
| Without... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I take it back. | ||
| The other way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The other way. | ||
| What a great place. | ||
| I was told today that... | ||
| Why is it garbage? | ||
| It's my favorite place. | ||
| I was told today that... | ||
| I just don't feel like I'm good enough, so I had to leave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jada... | |
| That's fair. | ||
| Their open relationship was just for her. | ||
| Of course it was. | ||
| Will Smith has attempted to combat Scientology claims over the years, making it clear that he and his wife Jada Pinkett are not a part of Scientology. | ||
| So fuck off, Ari. | ||
| Oh, I thought he was. | ||
| Ari's filled with misinformation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Max Burns! | |
| What about Max Burns? | ||
| I was with you. | ||
| Max Burns is on heroin. | ||
| He's just making things up. | ||
| Max Burns is on heroin. | ||
| He's just making things up. | ||
| He's in a fog of fentanyl. | ||
| He has no idea what he's saying. | ||
| Will Smith is a good guy and he's not a Scientologist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah, Ari. | ||
| Yeah, alright. | ||
| I'll think about that. | ||
| You guys love controlling the narrative, don't you? | ||
| Oh, we love it. | ||
| We love it, dude. | ||
| If your wife, like, openly is in a public, sort of open relationship, you have to be more reserved than a regular guy. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| You gotta be more, you gotta be like, it is what it is. | ||
| You gotta be that guy with everything. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You can't be like Mr. Snap at the fucking slightest. | ||
| Yeah, you have to be above everything. | ||
| Because your wife's getting fucked by other people. | ||
| You have to be so cool. | ||
| You should be cool. | ||
| You're like, nah. | ||
| That's just sex. | ||
| I got alopecia too, I guess. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I got her in my beard. | ||
| I don't understand why she has full stubble. | ||
| Like her head looks great. | ||
| She shaved it. | ||
| But when it's stubble, it's growing back. | ||
| There's hair. | ||
| I think she shaves it so she can't pull it out. | ||
| Oh, when she gets crazy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard having your fucking... | ||
| Maybe when she beats Will up, you can't grab her hair. | ||
| And they'll fight back. | ||
| I don't think the black ladies like the hair pulling. | ||
| I've had sex with a couple, and the hair stuff didn't go well. | ||
| It's not tied in that tight. | ||
| Yeah, I tempted it like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go careful. | |
| Yeah, you don't want to pull a wig off. | ||
| Oh, true. | ||
| Yeah, it could have been a wig. | ||
| It was braids. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So I thought it was pullable. | ||
| So you tried some white girl shit on a black lady? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, don't do that. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Know your role. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Turn a Laquisha into a Becky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| A Laquisha into a Becky. | ||
| Laquisha? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no other- There's gotta be a couple McRishas kicking around. | |
| Isn't it funny that there's no other word like a Karen? | ||
| Like, Karen is like, there's no- I guess it's Chad for white guys, but it doesn't really work. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Karen is like locked down. | ||
| Karen, they get mad about Karen now. | ||
| That's fighting words now to them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if your fucking name is Karen, like, you've been Karen your whole life until about six, seven years ago, it all fell apart on you. | ||
| What if you're a black woman named Karen? | ||
| That's even weirder. | ||
| You gotta just deal with that. | ||
| At least nobody's... | ||
| Do you know any? | ||
| There's gotta be a black Karen. | ||
| There's gotta be a few. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pull it up, J-Mo. | ||
| Type in black Karen. | ||
| How about famous black Karens? | ||
| Is there famous black Karens? | ||
| Jada Pinkett Smith? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't know. | |
| His name's Jada. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Jada. | ||
| In real life. | ||
| Different name. | ||
| What a wild fucking thing. | ||
| It's a wild thing. | ||
| It's so crazy that the more time goes on, the less I can believe it actually happened. | ||
| You know what I don't like, too? | ||
| It seems more nuts. | ||
| You see day one, it was how dare Will Smith. | ||
| There's all the People magazine, how dare Will Smith do this, you know, violence. | ||
| And then day two, the publicist took over, and then it's this man fiercely defended his wife. | ||
| Like, you could just tell the publicist, we've got to spin this somehow. | ||
| But that's just telling Chris Rock under the bus even more. | ||
| Ticket prices went up 400%. | ||
| Yeah, his ticket prices went through the roof. | ||
| How's that possible, 400%? | ||
| That's what the headline is. | ||
| I know, I've heard that. | ||
| Why is that hard? | ||
| Because he would have to be sold out now and be at 20% sold before. | ||
| No, dummy. | ||
| No, the price. | ||
| If he sells 100 tickets a day, now he's selling 400 tickets a day. | ||
| Tickets went up per day. | ||
| I thought you said the price went up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, his price went up 400%? | ||
| Price went up. | ||
| Oh, that's crazy. | ||
| He just charged five times as much? | ||
| Yeah, but ticket was $50. | ||
| Now it's $450. | ||
| $250. | ||
| Oh, that's weird. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| That's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Charge more? | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So the agents get their slimy little paws all over the situation. | ||
| Ticket price went up 400%. | ||
| And people are dying to see it. | ||
| Oh, I thought his ticket sales... | ||
| I know his ticket sales have gone crazy. | ||
| Ticket sales per day. | ||
| Both went up. | ||
| They said he moved more tickets in a few days after the Oscars than a whole month. | ||
| You know what's the best? | ||
| Him not saying anything, we all wanted him to say something, but him not saying anything allowed the internet to say, we'll take it over for you, dude. | ||
| He also was close. | ||
| He was close. | ||
| He had that one moment where he was like, ooh, I couldn't. | ||
| He even says it. | ||
| He's like, yeah, right after he got slapped, he's like, it was just a joke. | ||
| He's like, shut up about my wife. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He goes, ooh. | ||
| But the way he said it, it's such a crazy meltdown. | ||
| Like, you see his face when his lips are quivering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Leave my wife's name out of your fucking mouth! | |
| It's like, whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the weird thing, he wasn't even saying, out of your. | ||
| He goes, out your mouth. | ||
| Like, he's invoking ghetto black culture when he's being violent, because that's what he thinks violence is. | ||
| Ghetto black. | ||
| He's playing a role. | ||
| He's playing a role of a guy who can just slap people. | ||
| I'm kind of jealous of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I wish I was that fucking nuts. | ||
| Things were coming from this marketplace, just so you know. | ||
| Oh, is that one of them things where... | ||
| They said they sold more than I imagined. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| We sold more tickets to Chris Rock overnight than we did in the past month combined. | ||
| Had increased to 411. That's way more than 40%. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| The cheapest tickets were sold. | ||
| But is that... | ||
| Oh, resale. | ||
| It's all resale. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So it's not agents that got the greasy hands on it. | ||
| It's all those fucking scalpers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They do that, man. | ||
| There's nothing you can do about that. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| People are like, how come a ticket for $300? | ||
| I'm like, it's not even sold out. | ||
| Go to my website. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| I mean, right now, I'm doing Vegas soon, so today my tickets went on pre-sale. | ||
| And I have a pre-sale password, so you have to do all the registering and everything to do all that. | ||
| But still, people still buy tickets and resell them for shitloads of money. | ||
| There's not much you can do about it. | ||
| They get idiots. | ||
| They don't even know it's not sold out. | ||
| Louie used to do a great thing at the store. | ||
| He used to make everybody pay cash, and you had to line up the day of the show. | ||
| Yeah, you could only buy two tickets at a time. | ||
| Only buy two tickets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Four. | |
| No surcharge, no fees. | ||
| And you had to pay in cash. | ||
| I mean, we and the door guys made a lot of money off that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot of them and, like, triple price. | ||
| Like, who wants them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| We know there's going to be a line. | ||
| Who wants them? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because we fucked up when Rob Williams came, we realized we should have. | ||
| And then we ended up having Louie, like, I got 40 bucks on me. | ||
| They used to get big tips to give people booths, right? | ||
| The booth was a big thing. | ||
| Not in my day. | ||
| Kinnison's day and then five years ago. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| When I was a door guy, it was like, please give me a dollar. | ||
| Nobody would give you any money for the booth? | ||
| Occasionally on weekends, New Year's Eve was good. | ||
| You can make like a hundred bucks on New Year's Eve. | ||
| Isn't it funny how the store goes through cycles? | ||
| It always has. | ||
| It goes through these cycles. | ||
| When I was back last weekend, man, it felt like a normal weekend at the store. | ||
| It was mobbed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was mobbed. | ||
| Everybody was hanging out. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really fucking fun. | ||
| Well, that's just comedy. | ||
| Comedy goes in waves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I guess, but the store really goes in waves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The store was hot when Kinnison was there. | ||
| When I came there in 94, there was fucking nobody there. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It was like half-filled crowds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was dead. | |
| We wouldn't start the show. | ||
| Tuesday night, it'd be like 9 o'clock show by 10.30. | ||
| We'd be like, should we call it? | ||
| There's no one in here. | ||
| What year did you start? | ||
| 99. And it was bad. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| It was bad until like 2002. It was starting to get better in the 90s. | ||
| Then it was okay. | ||
| And then 2002, it was getting pretty good. | ||
| Then 2003 and 2004, it really got rocking. | ||
| It was still so-so. | ||
| No, it was rockin', 2004, 2005, yeah, up until 2007, then I got banned, but the real comeback was 2014, when you did your special, and then I came back, and then Diaz came back, and then Duncan and everybody came back, and then it was mobbed every night. | ||
| Shortly after, or maybe right before, no, shortly after, eBay took over. | ||
| Oh, Adam. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was up before that, though. | ||
| He's one of the guys who got me there. | ||
| Because he came to the improv when I was headlining at the improv. | ||
| He goes, well, we'd really like to have you back at the store. | ||
| I was like, fuck Tommy. | ||
| But Tommy was still there. | ||
| He was like, Tommy's fired. | ||
| And I was like, oh. | ||
| And then Ari was doing his special. | ||
| Tommy was still there when he did my special, wasn't he? | ||
| No. | ||
| I thought he was still there. | ||
| He was gone, buddy. | ||
| Damn, I don't remember that at all. | ||
| He was gone, 100%. | ||
| Because I came after that. | ||
| I came after he'd been fired. | ||
| And then it was just game on. | ||
| That's when it blew up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's when it blew up. | |
| Because that's when it was just like, holy shit. | ||
| You think that was podcasting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| 100%. | ||
| We always talked about it when we were doing the podcast from his fucking living room. | ||
| We'd always talk about crazy stories in the store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We built it up when I was gone. | |
| And it was like, what is this place? | ||
| Yeah, when he wasn't even there. | ||
| We built it up when I wasn't even going there. | ||
| And then when I came back, it just exploded. | ||
| We'd have stories of, like, Brett Ernst and stuff, and people are like, who are these mythical, like, people? | ||
| And then they would go show up. | ||
| The same as, like, Louis doing his, like, intro from the cellar. | ||
| People are like, I guess that's the place to go. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, but way more so with this, because it's constant stories. | ||
| Yeah, the thing about the internet is, man, when people find out about a cool place like that, and they go and actually have the experience, and they tell their friends, like, oh my god, we saw this guy and that guy and Sebastian, and fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Santino. | |
| It's just like, it's having a place that you could go where you're gonna have a good time. | ||
| You're gonna have a good time. | ||
| How about fucking last night? | ||
| What a goddamn lineup. | ||
| Hell of a shit was it. | ||
| Hans Kim, Ron White, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me. | ||
| Chaos! | ||
| Yeah, it was a good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hot crowd, too. | |
| Fucking crowd was amazing! | ||
| What'd you do, two hours? | ||
| Three and a half? | ||
| Hour and 40 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit! | |
| The Q&A is my favorite part. | ||
| I was hammered, too. | ||
| The Q&A, he'll get fucked up, and people will ask a question, and sometimes it goes well, but every once in a while I'll be like, what kind of question is that, motherfucker? | ||
| He's like, ask anything! | ||
| You can literally watch someone just... | ||
| Get their whole world... | ||
| Shattered. | ||
| I'm here to see Joe Rogan. | ||
| This is going to be so cool. | ||
| It's like, uh, Joe... | ||
| What's your favorite ice cream? | ||
| Yeah, you're like, shut up, pussy. | ||
| I'll fuck your mother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, uh... | |
| I was told you wanted questions. | ||
| I didn't know we could do that. | ||
| You didn't say that. | ||
| I've done Q&As. | ||
| I just assume you have to answer everything. | ||
| I didn't know you could go, oh, that's dumb. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta say it. | ||
| Come on, give me a better question. | ||
| You gotta mock their questions. | ||
| We used to have two speakers, two microphones in the aisles. | ||
| Oh yeah, remember those? | ||
| And at the end of your show, people would come on up and ask questions. | ||
| And it was just like, 50% of them was like, what did you think of this one fight? | ||
| I can't have that. | ||
| God. | ||
| The problem with even the stand-up on the spot thing is too many people have their hands up, too many people are yelling, and they're not paying attention. | ||
| They do a show out here called The Rift, and it's a better setup. | ||
| And what they do is they have a wheel. | ||
| And the audience gets to write a topic... | ||
| On the card, on a card, and then they just peg them to the wheel, and you spin the wheel, and it lands on one, and I've done that before, Creak in the Cave. | ||
| It's way better because no one's yelling out things in the audience. | ||
| Like that version of it is the way you should do that kind of an improvisation show. | ||
| Because you can come up with bits on those shows where you don't ever do material. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| The problem is that people get too yelly and lift their hands up, and then they're not. | ||
| Like, the thing last night. | ||
| Like, I'm in the middle of answering one question, and guys are going, Joe, Joe! | ||
| I'm in the middle of talking. | ||
| Oh, that's what you used to do on the road. | ||
| You go, guys, the only way this works is you have to wait until I'm done, and I'll say any more questions, and then... | ||
| You can't interrupt. | ||
| But people are drunk. | ||
| People are drunk. | ||
| They're drunk. | ||
| They're having fun. | ||
| Remember that show, Set List? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was a fun idea, but the suggestions weren't great. | ||
| They went too far. | ||
| It was like, placenta smoothie. | ||
| You're like, no, just say abortion. | ||
| I'll get to talk about that, but this is stupid. | ||
| This is like a non-thing. | ||
| I don't even know what these words are. | ||
| You're trying to be funny. | ||
| It's like writers came up with the topic. | ||
| Yeah, it sucks. | ||
| You want the audience to come up with the topic, because you'll be stunned occasionally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sucks. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What you need is you need the audience to come up with a topic and, you know, you go through the cards. | ||
| So, like, does your mom know you're gay? | ||
| Throw that one out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Like, you gotta find the ones... | ||
| I was drunk when I wrote that. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good question. | |
| Those you gotta throw out. | ||
| She suspects. | ||
| Those you gotta throw out. | ||
| What's your favorite flavor, cock? | ||
| I bring the same friend over for Christmas every year, but... | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Yeah, but I think that that's the best way to do it, is have the audience write a suggestion down on a card, have someone go through the cards, take out the preposterous ones, and then put all the cards in like a wheel. | ||
| Spin the wheel, crank it. | ||
| And then you get what you get. | ||
| That's what I want to do at the new club. | ||
| I'm going to have a night like that at the new club. | ||
| But have a wheel. | ||
| By the way, good questions you can keep for next time. | ||
| If we didn't get to them, leave it in there. | ||
| Yeah, if you have a stack of questions, you don't even need the audience. | ||
| I've tried to do the Q&A thing sometimes. | ||
| I do it. | ||
| Because I've got to get new material and shit. | ||
| I'm like, alright, let's see how this goes. | ||
| If that goes bad, that sucks. | ||
| But every now and then, you get a gem. | ||
| If you do five or six of those Q&As in a row, for me, one of them, like last night I have a gem, and I gotta go over the recordings and listen to it, but there was one where I was in the middle of it, and I was like, holy shit, this is a real premise. | ||
| And people were laughing like it was a bit. | ||
| I was like, this is a premise. | ||
| And the more you do it, the better at it you get. | ||
| And then by the fifth night, you're just zinging and zanging. | ||
| Yeah, I've done it a couple times where I ended strong, like a closer, killed, and then I was like, hey, you know what? | ||
| I'm going to hang out. | ||
| You guys got any questions? | ||
| And people are just like, wait, where's Matt? | ||
| It's like, people just yell, do Trump taking a shit? | ||
| What about Trump? | ||
| Do Trump Hitler? | ||
| It's better in the check drop section, and then you end with your fucking last bit. | ||
| That's not a bad move, right? | ||
| You used to do that with the wolf bit, but you save it until after that shit. | ||
| It's hard to follow a Q&A, because it gets kind of amped up, and then you go back to, like, Uber's weird, and it's kind of a drop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the problem is people have got their hands up while you're doing Uber's weird. | |
| Hey, hey, hey. | ||
| How do you guys write? | ||
| How do you write, Shane? | ||
| I just did podcasts. | ||
| If I could make Matt laugh, I'm like, alright, that's good. | ||
| I think the best at that, the fucking riff, just riffing, is Tim. | ||
| Tim Dillon's the fucking... | ||
| He's the king. | ||
| He's the king. | ||
| Tim and Burr both do life. | ||
| Burr's great, but Burr, a lot of times, Burr gets serious about stuff. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Tim stays ridiculous. | ||
| It's amazing how Burr comes up with material. | ||
| He turns over material so well. | ||
| So fast. | ||
| And part of it is because he has that rant muscle. | ||
| And he sits for an hour every week. | ||
| Two times a week. | ||
| Monday and Thursday. | ||
| Dylan is consistently hilarious doing it. | ||
| Even when he gets serious, he's serious for like 10 seconds and then he says something ridiculous. | ||
| He'll stay funny. | ||
| Even if he has to make a serious point that he wants out, he'll stay funny while he's doing it. | ||
| And he has good takes. | ||
| You're like, oh, that's a good point. | ||
| I never thought of it that way. | ||
| And it's funny. | ||
| He's the master of that form. | ||
| Also, he's got his buddy, Ben, who's his... | ||
| Who laughs? | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| No, what's her name from Stern? | ||
| Robin Clevers. | ||
| Robin Clevers. | ||
| Yeah, but it's better, because he doesn't chime in much. | ||
| He's just a one-person fan who's laughing at everything, and then Tim's wearing fucking cop aviators, and he seems like he's high as fuck, but he's sober. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, and gay. | ||
| Yeah, he's high off semen. | ||
| A lot of people don't believe he's gay. | ||
| I don't believe he's gay. | ||
| My wife doesn't believe he's gay. | ||
| Oh, he's gay. | ||
| There's nothing about him that seems gay. | ||
| I'll tell you, there's something about him that seems gay. | ||
| He fucks guys. | ||
| Sometimes he fucks guys in their butts. | ||
| That'll do it. | ||
| Are you sure he does that, or maybe he just fucks their mouths? | ||
| True, true. | ||
| I think he takes it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I thought, like, twinks. | ||
| The loud guys always take it. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| My dad. | ||
| Did your dad have butt sex with guys? | ||
| I'm assuming. | ||
| He's, you know, hippie from the 60s. | ||
| He's of that age. | ||
| They tried it. | ||
| They all tried it. | ||
| Apparently, that was the thing during the rock and roll era. | ||
| They said that Mick Jagger and David Bowie were found in bed together by Mick Jagger's wife. | ||
| Mooney and Carter. | ||
| They run through all the posts. | ||
| You get bored. | ||
| It's like Gerbil with Richard Gere. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| True. | ||
| He's a Scientologist, that gerbil. | ||
| That gerbil story was because of Scientology. | ||
| Wait, did we talk about it last time we did? | ||
| No, really? | ||
| Yeah, he left Scientology. | ||
| When he left Scientology, they smeared him. | ||
| They revealed the truth. | ||
| They got a rough one on him. | ||
| That's what they threaten you with. | ||
| Hey, we know your secret. | ||
| If you leave, allow you. | ||
| Can you imagine if that's what you're looking forward to all day? | ||
| You're at work doing data collection. | ||
| You've got a gerbil in a tank. | ||
| One day. | ||
| That gerbil's just on the wheel back home. | ||
| He has no idea what's coming, dude. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You're going to go in an asshole, though. | ||
| You've got a vat of lube. | ||
| You're going to just dunk him in that lube. | ||
| And you've got to declaw it, let's be honest. | ||
| You don't want a lot of this shit. | ||
| You tape him up. | ||
| Oh, you tape him up? | ||
| Yeah, you tape him. | ||
| You tape your butthole closed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tape his little mouth, tape his little feet, shove him in there and have him wiggle around. | |
| The taping part's gotta be kind of adorable, though. | ||
| Getting his little arms together. | ||
| It's like a hostage. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's like you're kidnapping him. | ||
| I never even thought of that. | ||
| You tape him. | ||
| You gotta tape. | ||
| Otherwise they'll kill you. | ||
| How do you even get him in your ass? | ||
| You think you shove a habitrail in there first, open it up nice, and then just blow him through? | ||
| I think you put a treat in there and let him do their job. | ||
| Your lover gets on the other end like a blow dart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And shoots that treble right in your asshole. | ||
| I wonder if it's one of those things you stick a tube in your butt and it goes towards the heat. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It could be one of those. | ||
| Like a missile. | ||
| I think it just moves around. | ||
| It's duct taped. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is that a real thing? | ||
| Are you sure there's tape? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it makes perfect sense. | ||
| It can't move if it's taped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It needs the legs. | |
| I mean, it makes perfect sense. | ||
| Yeah, otherwise it would have to be declawed. | ||
| Is it a real thing? | ||
| Do people do it? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Forget gear. | ||
| Is it a thing that's done? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Jamie... | ||
| There's got to be some videos. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good question. | ||
| Jada Pinkett does it. | ||
| This guy's got a trouble in his ass? | ||
| What is happening here? | ||
| Oh, these guys don't crack out of each other's ass. | ||
| I can't watch this. | ||
| Oh, he's boofing him with the crack. | ||
| He's boofing him. | ||
| He's hit him in his butt. | ||
| He's going to shoot the crack in his ass? | ||
| Jar of piss on the floor, too. | ||
| I love they always have the fucking hospital band still on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is an old junkie, too. | ||
| Man, that guy's had time. | ||
| You let it all go, you junkie! | ||
| He's blowing it right into his asshole. | ||
| The new Cheech and Chong's nuts. | ||
| I hope he farts it out. | ||
| He's digging in that guy's asshole in his face. | ||
| I saw a video I sent this. | ||
| Look at him breathing heavy. | ||
| Look at the guy on the right. | ||
| Replay that, please. | ||
| The guy, just back it up. | ||
| Look at the guy who's taking the crack in his ass. | ||
| Look how excited he is. | ||
| Look at his breath. | ||
| He's exhaling it. | ||
| That's his first fun time all day. | ||
| We gotta try that today. | ||
| That's gotta feel so good, dude. | ||
| What a good bonding experience. | ||
| Getting crack in your ass. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It must be the best. | ||
| It's definitely a bonding experience. | ||
| Because crack in your mouth is good. | ||
| So in your ass, it must be unbelievable. | ||
| Has anybody here ever tried crack? | ||
| No. | ||
| Coke, sure, but no crack. | ||
| It's got to be the same. | ||
| That's what Carl Hart says. | ||
| Diaz said he did crack for six months once. | ||
| And you're like, why? | ||
| He's like, because the Coke deal was out of my way and the crack deal was on the way home from the store. | ||
| It's just easier. | ||
| It's easier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He goes, I didn't have to make it left on Schrader. | ||
| Now that Joey's not doing any hard drugs, that he just smokes weed, he'll talk to you. | ||
| He'll take a pill once in a while. | ||
| Oh yeah, but he's not doing whatever he was doing when we were worried. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When he disappeared to go meet a guy with a package. | |
| Yeah, weird moments where he'd just vanish. | ||
| There were times where you just wondered, is he going to be alive tomorrow? | ||
| When are we going to see him again? | ||
| There were moments where Joey, until his career started going well. | ||
| He just quit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Quick Coke? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And his career started taking off and there was something, something came along with the internet where people started to realize who Joey Diaz was. | ||
| He could find his audience too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they could find him. | ||
| You're not going to get a Joey Diaz off of fucking Evening at the Improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You're never going to understand him. | ||
| They tried. | ||
| Every one of his tape sets was like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is so much darker and dirtier than anything you've ever seen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| On like film. | ||
| Well, when he did This Is Not Happening, that's when you got a chance to see the real him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If Comedy Central had any fucking brains, they'd rehire you and do that show again. | ||
| It's over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let it go. | |
| I like Roy Wood. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| Roy Wood's great. | ||
| I love Roy Wood. | ||
| Roy Wood's fucking great. | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's a hilarious comedian. | ||
| He's my favorite host. | ||
| Yeah, and he was one of those guys where him taking over Ari's gig was like, okay, No, he called me for permission. | ||
| Yeah, he's a big guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I said, go for it. | |
| We've got to save these jokes. | ||
| Yeah, he is the man. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| And he was nice to me before I did anything. | ||
| He was nicer to you after that stuff. | ||
| And he's like, Asians suck, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, let's hang out. | |
| Yeah, true. | ||
| No, no, I'm not saying get canceled. | ||
| I'm saying he was nice. | ||
| The first time I met him, I was with Soder at Sal's house for the Super Bowl thing. | ||
| And he was there, and he was like, hey, he was the only one. | ||
| Yeah, he's cool. | ||
| Everyone else is... | ||
| You ever hear his hustle stories? | ||
| Like what he did to make it? | ||
| Where he was doing morning radio and he would drive like five hours, do a gig, and then five hours back and do radio in the morning. | ||
| Like wild shit. | ||
| He kills so hard. | ||
| He's cool because like Andre Agassi, they taught him how to hit hard and they taught him how to aim. | ||
| Roy Wood came as a fucking killer road comic and then came to New York and he was like, I'm already a destruction guy. | ||
| And now, let me show you what I can do in New York, too. | ||
| Creative side. | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| And also, he's such a good host. | ||
| That's what I love about him. | ||
| Great host. | ||
| It's my show. | ||
| It's my show. | ||
| There was Craig Kilborn before Jon Stewart, and Jon Stewart was better. | ||
| Yeah, this is how it works. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| You're Will Smith. | ||
| He's August whatever. | ||
| Jack Parr can't fuck with Carson. | ||
| Jack Parr cannot fuck with Carson. | ||
| Nobody remembers Jack Parr. | ||
| You're Killborn, baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then Steve Allen was before, like, in the mix. | ||
| P.U. I'm drinking here. | ||
| Hey, easy. | ||
| Steve Allen was in the mix with Jack Carr. | ||
| We will get that show going again. | ||
| Just independently. | ||
| Who owns the name? | ||
| I was trying to get it back from them, but we could just change it to, like, Shane and I were talking with you the other day. | ||
| This is still happening. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| They're going to sue you. | ||
| They'll sue you for that. | ||
| It's not necessarily their name or my name. | ||
| It's like they license a show, so it's a gray area on who has a name. | ||
| If they were cool, they should fucking just give it to me. | ||
| You need better lawyers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But This Is Not Happening is a great name. | ||
| Call the whole gang. | ||
| This Is Not Happening is a great name. | ||
| Solid name for sure. | ||
| Solid name. | ||
| One of the best owns ever was when your special was coming out and Stern was shitting on you. | ||
| Oh, yes! | ||
| And you did that video. | ||
| I've never heard of this guy. | ||
| You did that video with you standing in front of a billboard on Sunset with your fucking face. | ||
| Ari Shafir's stand-up comedy special. | ||
| The way you owned him. | ||
| It's like, that's on you. | ||
| The way you owned him was a master class. | ||
| Who was this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was an early Jamie creation. | |
| Jamie has nothing to do with that. | ||
| No, not true. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| Stern shit on Ari. | ||
| Stern shit on Ari for a full half an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because Ari shit on Stern on my show. | ||
| You never saw that? | ||
| He said he loved American Sniper, and I was like, fuck him. | ||
| Him and Clint Eastwood just stuck each other's wrinkled dicks in their old man camps. | ||
| They're totally lost touch. | ||
| Dude, it's crazy happening. | ||
| How you do that? | ||
| And then someone's like, what? | ||
| I'm so mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, worse. | |
| Worse. | ||
| He spent a whole half hour talking shit about Ari being a loser, and he's got nothing going on. | ||
| He's got no career. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A podcast. | |
| And then Ari does this brilliant video where he says, it's such an honor that you even know who I am. | ||
| Mr. Stern. | ||
| I can call him Mr. Stern. | ||
| I know you're older, so go into your, what do you use? | ||
| Netflix Navigator? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Netscape Navigator? | ||
| You're making fun of people's age? | ||
| So he does a video. | ||
| That was a long time ago. | ||
| He does a video where he searches his own name, and he's like, look, look at all these things. | ||
| Ari Shaffir, look at this. | ||
| Oh, look, I got a special coming out of Comedy Central this weekend. | ||
| And here's me in front of a billboard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So it's him. | |
| It was fucking magnificent. | ||
| That's Ari right there. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| It's fucking magnificent. | ||
| Wow, that was when Ari had a career. | ||
| It was... | ||
| A magnificent home. | ||
| Because that billboard was right down the street from the store at Pink Dot. | ||
| So we drove by it all the time. | ||
| That was a big win for us. | ||
| To see Ari's face on that billboard. | ||
| A Sunset Loser having a billboard on Sunset. | ||
| That was a big win, dude. | ||
| Can we get Roy Wood's face on there now? | ||
| Literally, what you don't know is just under my underarm, just over the... | ||
| I know what's there. | ||
| Is my apartment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Is my bathroom window. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right there. | |
| What a time to be alive. | ||
| To have a billboard on Sunset Boulevard, like when Netflix put out Strange Times, when I did Strange Times, they put out a bunch of billboards. | ||
| On that one? | ||
| Billboards. | ||
| And it was cool, but there was one of them right on Sunset, right near Carney's. | ||
| And it was like driving to work. | ||
| I would drive from Sunset just so I could see it. | ||
| I would drive that way from the 405. I would go from the 405 just so I could see the billboard. | ||
| Like that... | ||
| That's a win. | ||
| So when you got that, that was a win for us. | ||
| We were looking at that like, fuck yeah, Ari's got a billboard on fucking sunset right next to the store. | ||
| From door guy to that. | ||
| Yeah, it was cool. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was cool. | |
| It was like, hey, alright. | ||
| Because also, Comedy Central never took any of us. | ||
| The store was full of losers, so it was like, having that was like this underdog win. | ||
| How did you get it through to them? | ||
| Cuz they don't buy anything. | ||
| I'll tell you how. | ||
| They help each other out. | ||
| He built it up step at a time. | ||
| Ari started that fucking thing off in the lab, at the old lab in the improv, the little tiny room. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Back when it was a good setup, before they ruined it. | ||
| Yeah, no bar in there, just a black box theater. | ||
| They fucked that up. | ||
| That way the old setup was so much better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The new setup is like, it's too busy, it's like too close to the front door. | ||
| People going through it to get to the other room. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| But the old setup was amazing because it was really like a little lap. | ||
| You did it in there a couple times, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Yeah, I did your show there. | ||
| I did stand-up shows there. | ||
| It was a great little room. | ||
| The new room is death. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Everybody bombs in there but Damon Wayans. | ||
| I see Damon Wayans killing it. | ||
| Junior? | ||
| No, the big one. | ||
| Older. | ||
| He works out his stuff. | ||
| You know, Damon Wayans has recorded every fucking set he's done since the 90s. | ||
| He sets up a tripod with an HD. He's got a camera like this. | ||
| And he edits them himself. | ||
| And he goes over all of his sets. | ||
| Geez, well where's the next special? | ||
| What's he waiting for? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| He's getting that TV money. | ||
| He was a legit stand-up for a while. | ||
| When he came in to work out at the store, he would do this thing where he'd do really boring, hacky material for five minutes until the crowd lost faith in him, and then he would start what he's working on. | ||
| So you don't give him the fucking freebie as a famous person. | ||
| He would intentionally do bad. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, just to like, okay, you guys are, don't trust me anymore? | ||
| Cool, here's what I'm actually working on. | ||
| I definitely saw him fuck, he definitely fucked around a lot, and like let himself get into holes, where he wasn't getting any laughs for a while, and they would dig himself out of holes, and then sometimes just murder, and then come back. | ||
| But he was working on material. | ||
| I mean, he was really genuinely working. | ||
| Why does he have any special? | ||
| Damon? | ||
| You're a great comic. | ||
| He did that show, that ABC show, and I think he made a lot of money, and he got in that whole family comedy situation where you show up, you get those big checks. | ||
| You can't just start up stand-up again, too. | ||
| No, he's still doing stand-up. | ||
| He's still doing stand-up. | ||
| I think in this day and age, that's why Steve Harvey doesn't do specials. | ||
| Steve Harvey doesn't do stand-up anymore because he's worried about getting canceled. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because all these guys had wild material. | ||
| And then, you know, they have these shows where they're making... | ||
| Steve Harvey's making a fucking billion dollars a year. | ||
| Dude, Steve Harvey has that one... | ||
| He's like, you're lucky I'm not in Iraq. | ||
| I'd be fucking shooting everybody. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He's like, I'm not going there. | ||
| I'd be like, get that little kid out of here. | ||
| He should be wearing that fucking murka. | ||
| It's like crazy shit. | ||
| Yeah, him on Family Feud is ridiculous. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, you know comics are doing that. | ||
| We gotta get a group going. | ||
| Moshe Kasher did it with Natasha and a couple other people. | ||
| Going what? | ||
| He's like, hey dude, you can get a family, quote unquote, the three of us, Louis, just like dumb shit, and just go in there and just be a family. | ||
| Moshe goes, Moshe, what's your answer? | ||
| He goes, will you be on my podcast? | ||
| No. | ||
| Mosh is funny. | ||
| Yeah, that's funny. | ||
| Oh man, that's a great idea. | ||
| Fast money. | ||
| That's all me. | ||
| Just get paid. | ||
| Free trip to LA. You're good at that stuff. | ||
| Oh yeah, I played that for years at home. | ||
| You are quick. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Autism. | ||
| One word quick. | ||
| How much of that you got? | ||
| Autism. | ||
| How much you got? | ||
| I think I'm pretty good. | ||
| Like 40? | ||
| 40%? | ||
| I'd say. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What makes a person 40% autistic as opposed to a regular person like myself? | ||
| I think you have a little more emotional intelligence. | ||
| So what do you do that you go, ha, Sean Dunlap? | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| I'll tell you, here, let me give you two great Norman autism. | ||
| When we went on that ski trip, we're getting on the lift, he's wearing a fucking Dirk Nowitzki jersey, and this guy, trying to be friendly with his family, while we're about to get on the lift, he's like, oh, I thought Dirk was a lot taller than that. | ||
| Norman just goes... | ||
| Yeah, I'm gay. | ||
| And the lift is just some guy standing there with his family like, who the fuck was that guy? | ||
| He panicked. | ||
| I didn't know what to say. | ||
| He didn't know what to say. | ||
| He just goes, I'm gay. | ||
| That's default. | ||
| That's default. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then we're on the plane on the way here, and he's like, can I get a whiskey? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he pulls his mask down and goes... | |
| To the lady. | ||
| And this tortoise. | ||
| She laughed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's funny. | |
| It's funny, but I'm sitting next to her like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Did she know who you are? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| It feels weird to end a sentence, so I need some button. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's too much awkwardness, so I panic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's why I don't look at you in the eye. | ||
| That's why the sunglasses are on right now. | ||
| Yeah, it helps. | ||
| My autism results in me bringing up Joe List on This Is Not Happening, and be like, one of my best friends, and you're like, eh. | ||
| No, actually, he's a good friend of mine. | ||
| He's a good friend of mine. | ||
| But I wouldn't say good friend Joe, just because I'm like, why would you include any of that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that? | |
| He's just autism. | ||
| It's funny, though, for me to be calling you autistic. | ||
| I was literally playing, like, a Civil War simulator on my laptop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| Get the laptop with an RPG going. | ||
| This giant of a man. | ||
| You play a Civil War simulator? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| The South shall rise again. | ||
| And this thing was dense. | ||
| I mean, he's got money. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| About anybody who's recreating the Civil War, they're not trying to recreate the same ending. | ||
| Oh, I am, dude. | ||
| I love the Union. | ||
| You want the North to win. | ||
| I love the North. | ||
| But most people, those Civil War reenactors... | ||
| How could the South have done it? | ||
| Hey, we won! | ||
| We won, didn't we? | ||
| The South? | ||
| Who's we? | ||
| The South. | ||
| You're in New Orleans. | ||
| In what? | ||
| I'm Louisiana. | ||
| In what? | ||
| In what? | ||
| Didn't we win the first battle? | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| You were winning the battle. | ||
| No, you won a lot. | ||
| Okay! | ||
| What was the first battle? | ||
| The first Manassas, or bull run. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Yeah, you guys got a big victory. | ||
| It was a union skedaddle they got out of there. | ||
| That was the one where it was outside of Washington, so a bunch of senators, they thought it was going to be fun. | ||
| They showed up for picnic baskets, sat on the hill drinking. | ||
| And watched the battle. | ||
| Didn't they used to watch on the hill in those days? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then it ended up being, that was like, technically, some people say it was like the first modern war, so like they started hitting them with like rifled bullets, and they were like, oh shit, this isn't like what it used to be. | ||
| Oh, because they weren't using muskets? | ||
| No, it just, shit got very serious, artillery was heavy, it was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| And there was just a, yeah, it was a bloodbath. | ||
| We'll rise again. | ||
| I'm against slavery. | ||
| And then the guys retreated through all the picnics. | ||
| For the record. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like, dudes covered in blood with, like, their arm hanging off. | ||
| We're running through the picnics, and there's ladies in those dresses. | ||
| We're like, have some class. | ||
| What's crazy about the Civil War is that the border between the North and the South is, like, a literal border. | ||
| Like, you could walk across it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, how many murders occurred after the Civil War? | ||
| What do you mean, murders? | ||
| Murders where the war was over, but people knew that you shot my daddy and you shot my brother. | ||
| Oh, a lot. | ||
| How many? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| A lot of murders. | ||
| Yeah, some guys kept fighting. | ||
| I mean, the Klan started all this stuff. | ||
| The Klan started after the Civil War? | ||
| Yeah, it was in the North. | ||
| Buford Forest. | ||
| The Klan started in Illinois? | ||
| Might have been Indiana. | ||
| Indiana. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Klan started in Indiana? | ||
| Give it a goog. | ||
| Buford? | ||
| Two weeks ago. | ||
| Yeah, Forrest Gump's named after the guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Benjamin Buford Forrest. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Forrest Gump, in the movie, he's like... | ||
| He started something where they dressed up like ghosts or something. | ||
| Yeah, and lit crosses on fire. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| I haven't seen that movie in forever. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
1865, right at the end of the Second Civil War. | |
| Second clan? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Change it. | ||
| Go back to the crackhead. | ||
| There are three different ones. | ||
| Third clan? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What do you think this realistic leg... | ||
| 2,000 Klan members now? | ||
| Circa around 5,000 to 8,000. | ||
| And the media makes it into this. | ||
| It's happening every day, everywhere. | ||
| I don't think it's that many. | ||
| 3 million to 6 million peaked in 1924 to 1925. Yeah, they were fired up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| In 24 to 25, there were 6 million Klan members? | ||
| I think that was what's it called? | ||
| Birth of a Nation, that movement. | ||
| Everybody got fired up. | ||
| These guys are cool. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| How many people were here then? | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| It wasn't $300 million. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| $300 million in the 20s is like crazy. | ||
| How many black people were there? | ||
| That's not even enough black people to hate. | ||
| At that point, they were after Catholics and Jews and shit also. | ||
| Catholics? | ||
| Yeah, they hated Catholics. | ||
| Back then, they were like, black people know where their place is, but these Jews are owning properties. | ||
| You guys do get a little rowdy. | ||
| Let's take a guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull back there. | |
| If it's the highest number. | ||
| About three lights away from letting that one go. | ||
| Bring it on, Fadi. | ||
| I love that one shame. | ||
| I'm like, you guys are... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Hey, if it's 6,000. | ||
| Million. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| If it is 6 million. | ||
| Excuse me, 6 million. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| What do you think the population of the United States was in 25? | ||
| In 1925? | ||
| 83 million. | ||
| That's a pretty good guess. | ||
| I'll say 60 mil. | ||
| 60. So that's 10%? | ||
| Yeah, I bet. | ||
| Off our guess. | ||
| Can you imagine if 10% of the people in the United States were in a Klan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that real? | |
| That's what the media says. | ||
| Let's guess. | ||
| You think it's 60 million? | ||
| I bet it's 100. I bet it's 100. What do you get? | ||
| Well, let's go one at a time. | ||
| How many people? | ||
| 83 million, 147 thousand. | ||
| 60 mil. | ||
| Is it close without going over? | ||
| I'm going 60 as well. | ||
| I'm going to say 100. I'm going to say 100 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it might be like 30 to 80. We're all going to be fucked. | |
| 115. Wow! | ||
| Joe got it. | ||
| The Native Americans were still alive, that's why. | ||
| So 6 million out of 115. Yeah, that's about 5%. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| That's a tithe of clans. | ||
| From 6 million to 8,000, we're doing a good job. | ||
| They're going like Catholics. | ||
| Nobody's joining up. | ||
| You guys ever heard of that guy, Daryl Davis? | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| I've had him on my podcast a couple of times. | ||
| He's personally converted over 200 Klan members and neo-Nazis. | ||
| Just by being a cool guy. | ||
| They just want friends. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Oh, he's a big guy, right? | ||
| Yeah, he's good. | ||
| A blues singer, and he would do these gigs, and he sat down with this guy, and he was having a drink, and the guy was like, I never sat down with a black man and had a drink before. | ||
| He thought he was joking around. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, I'm in the Klan. | ||
| He thought it was like a joke. | ||
| He goes, no, I'm serious. | ||
| And he pulls out his ID card. | ||
| His Klan ID? Yes. | ||
| Oh, I gotta get one of those. | ||
| Shit like a triangle. | ||
| Daryl becomes friends with this guy. | ||
| When they ask for your fucking vaccine, be like, oh, wrong court. | ||
| Daryl becomes friends with this guy, and he converts him. | ||
| The guy hands him his fucking Grand Wizard outfit. | ||
| He goes, I can't wear this anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now that I'm friends with you, I know this is bullshit. | |
| He goes, it's bullshit. | ||
| I know it's bullshit. | ||
| That's really all it takes is meeting one. | ||
| By the way, that's exactly the second thing they got Jordan Peterson on. | ||
| What? | ||
| The association with the alt-right. | ||
| And he was like, no, I'm trying to get him to be cool. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they're like, why are you talking to them? | ||
| I was like, to get him back! | ||
| Well, he was joking around about the whole frog thing. | ||
| He thought the frog thing was funny. | ||
| It was. | ||
| It's a 4chan thing. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| It's a meaningless symbol that they said, let's just pretend that the right takes it. | ||
| And the right did take it. | ||
| And the left got mad. | ||
| And now 4chan is sitting back going, it doesn't mean anything! | ||
| Have you seen the guy who created the frog? | ||
| He's so fucking, he's beside himself. | ||
| He doesn't know what to do. | ||
| Oh yeah, the cartoonist? | ||
| So he tried to kill off the frog, and everybody's like, nah, we're gonna keep him, or we're gonna give him a Nazi hat. | ||
| You saw the Q&A doc. | ||
| There's a doc on the frog guy. | ||
| Just the frog guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, there is. | |
| Oh, he hated it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not my message! | |
| His frog was, like, crying. | ||
| Like, feels bad, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, that was his frog. | ||
| It was, like, a silly thing. | ||
| And that meme took over during the Trump administration. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Maybe before. | ||
| It was right. | ||
| It was the build-up. | ||
| It was the election. | ||
| Yeah, it was when Milo was still on Twitter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God. | ||
| Milo was the pinnacle of Twitter. | ||
| Do you think Elon Musk brings Milo and Trump back? | ||
| I would hope he does. | ||
| At least Milo. | ||
| And Trump too. | ||
| They're so fun. | ||
| Give him another chance. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| Let him tweet, dude. | ||
| Milo sucks? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| No, Milo's the best. | ||
| He just gets people riled up. | ||
| I don't know him at all. | ||
| I've never really... | ||
| I watched his old stuff when he was like... | ||
| Really angering people? | ||
| I liked him when he would go to a college and be like... | ||
| He's a provocateur. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| He's a very smart guy, very articulate guy, very well-read guy who's a provocateur. | ||
| In real life he is, but his business was made on talking shit and making people upset with him and saying outrageous things and getting a lot of attention. | ||
| The one clip he had where somebody, he's in this panel, he's young, he's got this blonde, bleached blonde hair, and some lady's like, you're not a woman, you can't talk on women's issues. | ||
| And then he waits, he waits, and then he talks about men, and she interrupts and goes, hey, Missy? | ||
| Pretty much goes, we're talking about men right now, so uh-uh, you don't get the voice in here, right? | ||
| And then she's just so fucking livid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was prime, prime troll. | |
| He was a contrarian. | ||
| They took it away. | ||
| The problem was he was too effective. | ||
| And he was one of the first guys that Twitter banned. | ||
| And they banned him under this pretense that he was having people... | ||
| There's people that are going after Leslie Jones. | ||
| And you see, I tried to press them when they were on the podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they wouldn't admit to this. | ||
| But they were saying, essentially, that he had more than one account under his name. | ||
| But he worked for Daily Wire at the time, right? | ||
| Was it Daily Wire? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Was it... | ||
| What was the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Breitbart? | |
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Breitbart. | ||
| Breitbart? | ||
| But he, you know, there's probably other employees from that same office that shared that IP address that were also logging on, but they tried to attribute, they were saying that he had multiple accounts. | ||
| They're using excuse to get rid of him. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's hard to say. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| But when I pressed them on the show, they were fucking, they were, like, doing legalese calculations in their head as to what they would say. | ||
| How do we justify this one? | ||
| The reality is we just didn't like him. | ||
| I wonder why they have to even worry about legal issues. | ||
| It's their company. | ||
| They're getting sued left and right by a bunch of people. | ||
| Multiple people are in the process of suing them. | ||
| Oh, I'm talking about Twitter. | ||
| I would imagine he is suing Hillary. | ||
| Is he really? | ||
| For what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He should have put her in jail when he said he was gonna. | ||
| That would have been funny shit. | ||
| Dude, if he would have locked her up. | ||
| He said, I'm president, I'll lock you up. | ||
| I was like, dude, that's so funny. | ||
| As a non-political guy, that would have been hella fun for me. | ||
| There's a video. | ||
| They did like a correspondence thing. | ||
| Suze Hillary Clinton over 2016 Russian collusion allegations. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| She started it. | ||
| Not only did they start it, but they were actually actively spying on him during the time. | ||
| And they hired people to infiltrate his servers. | ||
| They're making him likeable. | ||
| They're making him very likeable. | ||
| He's going to run again. | ||
| Suit alleges racketeering in a conspiracy to commit injurious falsehood, amongst other claims. | ||
| Clinton representative did not respond to a request for comment. | ||
| Suit seeks compensatory and punitive damages. | ||
| Trump said he was forced to incur expenses in an amount to be determined at trial, but known to be in excess of $24 million. | ||
| And continuing to accrue in the form of defense costs, legal fees, and related expenses. | ||
| I would love that. | ||
| What if he wins? | ||
| Why would it be so funny? | ||
| I hope he doesn't. | ||
| There's a lot of evidence. | ||
| We already got fighting. | ||
| There's a lot of evidence. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| There's a lot of evidence that they colluded against him. | ||
| There's a lot of evidence they spied on him. | ||
| A lot of the shit that he was saying that was a wild conspiracy theory... | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Turns out. | ||
| Turns out there was a kernel of truth in a lot of what he was saying. | ||
| They were actively fucking spying on him. | ||
| He should've locked her up. | ||
| A fucking sitting president. | ||
| That's so fucking fun. | ||
| Drain that swamp. | ||
| They did like a thing. | ||
| They do this thing. | ||
| It used to be almost like the correspondence dinner. | ||
| It was like right before or after the last debate. | ||
| Him and Hillary and a bunch of political people had, like, a roast. | ||
| And, like, they joke around and shit. | ||
| And one of Trump's jokes was, he's like, it's good to see Hillary. | ||
| When she walked by my chair, I bumped into her and she said, pardon me. | ||
| Because he was going to arrest her. | ||
| And he's like, maybe I will. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's great. | |
| Oh, nice, dude. | ||
| Well, I want to thank your eminence. | ||
| This is really good. | ||
| Dude, he kills for like the first half. | ||
| He's a fucking pope. | ||
| Bombs, dude. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's a Catholic thing. | ||
| It's a bishop thing. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, they're going to pretend they like the Catholics, even though they love abortion, like all this shit. | ||
| Funny guy, man. | ||
| Oh, Katie Courage. | ||
| Schumer's going to bring it on. | ||
| Buddies with Schumer. | ||
| They were all buddies. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| They were all buddies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Best friends. | |
| That guy's wicked shiny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're all hammered. | ||
| Well, they're on that adrenochrome. | ||
| It's sucking baby blood. | ||
| Imagine that being that rich with a bow tie and still rocking a comb off. | ||
| Look at the guy with the glasses. | ||
| He's like, I'm tricking everybody. | ||
| This is the Illuminati. | ||
| Who's the girl in the red? | ||
| She's something. | ||
| She looks like an old actress, right? | ||
| No, she's a news lady. | ||
| I'm into it. | ||
| She's a hot old lady. | ||
| Look at Harry Clinton right there. | ||
| Let's hear some terror in the middle. | ||
| The jokes are fucking... | ||
| Is that Gayle King? | ||
|
unidentified
|
...who have known and loved me. | |
| For many, many years. | ||
| She's got one glove, Michael Jackson style. | ||
| The politicians. | ||
| They've had me to their homes. | ||
| They've introduced me to their children. | ||
| I've become their best friends in many instances. | ||
| They've asked for my endorsement and they always wanted my money. | ||
| And even called me really a dear, dear friend, but then suddenly decided when I ran for president as a Republican that I've always been a no-good, rotten, disgusting scoundrel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they totally forgot about me. | |
| But that's okay. | ||
| You know, they say when you do this kind of an event, you always start out with a self-deprecating joke. | ||
| Some people think this would be tough for me, but the truth is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why are they dared again if they're supposed to hate each other? | |
| This is before I really sunk in. | ||
| This is before he won. | ||
| They were all laughing. | ||
| They were like, I'm very modest. | ||
| In fact, many people tell me that modesty is perhaps my best quality. | ||
| Even better than my temperament. | ||
| You know, Cardinal Dolan and I have some things in common. | ||
| For instance, we run impressive properties on Fifth Avenue. | ||
| Of course, his is much more impressive than mine. | ||
| That's because I built mine with my own beautifully formed hands. | ||
| This is terrible. | ||
| Hold on, he starts killing. | ||
| Yeah, it's too long. | ||
| It's like a bad comedy special, like, get to the first joke! | ||
| He starts crushing. | ||
| He starts hitting Hillary. | ||
| If you fast forward to the end, they are turning on him. | ||
| They turn on him? | ||
| Yeah, he's getting laughs, and then towards the end, people get, they're like, oh man, I can't support you. | ||
| for their idea but what are the things i noticed tonight And I've known Hillary for a long time. | ||
| This is the first time ever, ever, that Hillary is sitting down and speaking to major corporate leaders and not getting paid for it. | ||
| Hey, she liked it. | ||
| She has some chompers, dude. | ||
| You know, last night, I called Hillary. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| You can have to trust me on this. | ||
| That was like an evening at the improv. | ||
| That's one of those videos where like, start at this point. | ||
| Yeah, my bad. | ||
| You need to find the clips. | ||
| The highlights. | ||
| It's a highlight thing. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Yeah, it's just funny to see them all, like, him and Hillary and everybody. | ||
| Powing around. | ||
| That's that shirt I had before. | ||
| The second he won, they got... | ||
| Bill Clinton and Epstein. | ||
| It's like, these guys and Trump, they all were friends. | ||
| Epstein was CIA, dude. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| He was intelligence. | ||
| Jeffrey Epstein? | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| United States intelligence? | ||
| You just mean Jews or intelligence? | ||
| He was Mossad or CIA. He was one of them. | ||
| Or maybe together. | ||
| I mean, they found, when they went to his house, they found rooms. | ||
| There's cameras in every room. | ||
| Who's they, and how do you know this? | ||
| Uh, that Nick Bryant dude I told you about came on ours. | ||
| He wrote a- yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Did he go there and see the cameras? | ||
| Uh, I think it's public. | ||
| In rooms? | ||
| It's public records. | ||
| Like, the police. | ||
| I love when Joe calls you on your fax and you're like, I don't know, I kind of know it. | ||
| But if that's the case, if that's the case, where are the tapes? | ||
| Who's got the tapes? | ||
| They're not coming out. | ||
| Dude, alright, here's how it's very clear he's intelligent. | ||
| He got arrested by the Palm Beach Police Department. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| In early 2000s, maybe 90s, whatever. | ||
| He was charged with like 32 counts. | ||
| 32 different underage girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They were like, alright, we're not gonna take it to trial. | ||
| We're gonna take it to a grand jury or whatever that thing is. | ||
| Where it's sealed. | ||
| Nobody can find out about it. | ||
| He got charged with one count and he served 13 months. | ||
| And it was like a work release thing. | ||
| Yeah, he was able to leave and fuck kids. | ||
| Was he fucking the kids or just providing the others? | ||
| I think he was hooking it up. | ||
| What's this, Jamie? | ||
| Drone footage from when they were raiding his island in the Caribbean. | ||
| Filled with cameras. | ||
|
unidentified
|
NYPD and FBI. Why is the NYPD there? | |
| Well, because he had a house in New York. | ||
| I mean, he allegedly did some crimes in New York. | ||
| Look into it. | ||
| He had a crazy house in New York that somebody gifted him. | ||
| The guy who was the CEO of Victoria's Secrets. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah, that dude. | ||
| I think that was it. | ||
| He's in on it. | ||
| There was a lot of guys that had to resign because they donated like $150 million to Epstein. | ||
| And people were like, why'd you give him that much money? | ||
| Because he runs a good party. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| He had a killer party. | ||
| Really knew how to do stuff with money. | ||
| But the police in Florida were like, we were told he was intelligent. | ||
| Yes, I've heard that. | ||
| They had a quote because they were like, how is this happening? | ||
| How is he getting 18 months or whatever? | ||
| 18 year olds. | ||
| Yeah, they were probably like, how do I get in that fucking house? | ||
| I'm thinking of Victoria's Secret. | ||
| You see the Down Syndrome model? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Yeah, pull her up. | ||
| Fire her up. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| Very hot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a weird situation. | ||
| That was another obscene thing. | ||
| The guy who donated was like, hey, I really love Down's kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Can you provide that for me? | ||
| Oh, yeah, the Victoria's Secret guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's my kink. | ||
| It's funny because she's still hot. | ||
| So, like, they're inclusive, but they're still shallow. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's her? | ||
| Get the better picture. | ||
| That's the picture. | ||
| That's the picture. | ||
| In the words of David Tell, those titties ain't retarded. | ||
| Oh, how dare you. | ||
| That's Dave's joke. | ||
| There was a guy that I knew that was a counselor. | ||
| A guy that I knew was a counselor and he worked with mentally challenged people and he said they're always fucking. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Because they don't know how they're not supposed to. | ||
| Inhibitions are gone or whatever. | ||
| More than I do. | ||
| But they just masturbate all the time. | ||
| And apparently they're huge dongs. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You heard that? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| We've got multiple conversations going simultaneously. | ||
| We've got to avoid that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, where did you hear they got huge dogs? | ||
| I think it's just common knowledge. | ||
| Big fat fingers? | ||
| Boys have hammers. | ||
| Yeah, you've heard that. | ||
| The boys have hammers. | ||
| I mean, I bet you could pull that up. | ||
| I guarantee they'll go home again immediately. | ||
| I bet some guys would be like, wait, okay, how much downs can I still have a big dick and be functional? | ||
| Do you think of some chicks who love fucking downs, boys? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It must be, right? | ||
| People tattoo their eyeballs. | ||
| Well, they're very strong, man. | ||
| Very strong. | ||
| They can pick up cars. | ||
| There's a group of people for everything out there in this world. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And women love someone you can change. | ||
| They're just my favorite. | ||
| You can't change them. | ||
| My buddy. | ||
| My buddy. | ||
| Stems. | ||
| My buddy Spud had a friend who- Spud? | ||
| Spud had- he was buddies with a guy with downs, and he said this dude ripped- they were playing basketball outside, and then he ripped the hoop out of the ground. | ||
| They were all like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see? | |
| I could squeeze that ball if they wanted. | ||
| He was just like, ah! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Isn't that the story of Rudy? | ||
| Basically. | ||
| I mean, right? | ||
| He's like a football player, but he's challenged. | ||
| Is he challenged? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Instagram account? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Verified account. | ||
| Drag syndrome? | ||
| Drag syndrome. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I'm not trashing these dudes. | ||
| They're having a good time. | ||
| They're not dudes. | ||
| They're girls, you son of a bitch. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They're drags. | ||
| They're drags. | ||
| Drags are just regular dudes. | ||
| The first one had Gillis facial hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute, but drags aren't facial hair. | |
| That's an attack, dude. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| You keep looking like a Korean warrior. | ||
| I'm excited about this facial hair, dude. | ||
| I'm glad you brought it up. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Your mustache? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing with that? | ||
| Is that new? | ||
| No. | ||
| People keep telling me to get rid of it. | ||
| Is that a gag? | ||
| It looks like a Chinese emperor. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm going for. | ||
| Is it a gag, rather? | ||
| I mean, I don't think it looks great. | ||
| So why you keep it? | ||
| Well, because I've had enough people around me be like, shave that. | ||
| I'm like, well, now I'm not. | ||
| I think it looks cool, bro. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I'm not getting, like, my girlfriend's like, yeah, you should get rid of it. | ||
| I'm like, well, now I'm not. | ||
| Do you understand this? | ||
| She's got her slapped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Will Smith. | |
| Will Smith, dude. | ||
| I wonder how you would look, like, is it good with the chin hair? | ||
| Does that balance it out? | ||
| Don't worry, dude. | ||
| I'm thinking, like, maybe no chin hair. | ||
| There's nothing we can do to make this. | ||
| But I'm thinking, full man chew. | ||
| No, I'm thinking more offensive would be no chin hair at all, just a mustache. | ||
| Just a mustache is wild looking on me. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| It's funny too. | ||
| That's all I'm seeing because I don't see your chin because of the mic. | ||
| It's pretty fuzzy down there. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good. | ||
| I know it's not thick. | ||
| Burn it off. | ||
| Burn it off. | ||
| You can burn it off real quick. | ||
| Burn it off. | ||
| That'll smell. | ||
| Yeah, just give it a buzz. | ||
| What's funny is if I shave it, just the mustache, pure John Candy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He's funny. | ||
| And what's funny is the last couple, like, anytime I'm talking to, like, agents or whatever about, like, a thing, they're like, I mean, we think you could, you're like, you could be John Goodman, Farley. | ||
| I'm like, yo, why are you guys... | ||
| Ralphie Mae. | ||
| Why are you guys hippies? | ||
| Almost dead or now dead. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck are you guys doing? | ||
| You could die of an overdose of hamburgers in no time. | ||
| Has anybody... | ||
| You're working out a lot now. | ||
| Not a lot. | ||
| I'm trying, dude. | ||
| Well, I'm watching you on Instagram. | ||
| I'm working on it. | ||
| I sent you that picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You look good. | |
| You look better, for sure. | ||
| You absolutely look better. | ||
| It's coming back a little. | ||
| Has anybody said, well, you know, you got a kind of specific type for casting. | ||
| Maybe it would be a good idea to not lose weight. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm not losing it. | ||
| Someone said that to Kevin James. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I told him to fuck off. | ||
| He's like, you're losing weight, you're losing rolls. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| Yeah, literally said that to him. | ||
| Yeah, he literally was losing rolls. | ||
| Sparky... | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| Sparky... | ||
| He was a bouncer in Long Island. | ||
| Big fat guy from McHale's Navy. | ||
| Frazier? | ||
| Sparky something. | ||
| He was this big fat guy. | ||
| He got tons of rolls, and then he lost 250 pounds. | ||
| And then Hollywood's like, yeah, that's it. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, well, if you're a big fat guy in movies and then you lose a ton of weight... | ||
| Yeah, you're not a leading man. | ||
| You're not a handsome guy. | ||
| Yeah, you don't have a name. | ||
| You're doing bit rules. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seinfeld has that rule. | ||
| If you go up or down 20 pounds, your act is different. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| People see you differently. | ||
| Cute girls can do a different act than you can do. | ||
| Like, you can get away with certain jokes. | ||
| Silverman can get away with jokes that you and I can't get away with. | ||
| Love a good fat girl. | ||
| On stage? | ||
| Nice chubby lady? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's comedy. | ||
| Although chubby ladies have gotten a little fucking uppity lately. | ||
| Have they? | ||
| Yeah, you know the fat ones out there. | ||
| They're all doing Thea Vidal. | ||
| They're all just doing an impression like, I don't give a shit! | ||
| It's like, you're all just doing Thea Vidal. | ||
| Well wait, that's not what I meant. | ||
| You went black on us. | ||
| Yeah, that's not what I meant. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| No, I mean, like, uh... | ||
| One more Bud Light, we're gonna review this question. | ||
| Yeah, we'll go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, no, it's like, uh, being fat is the best. | |
| It's like, well, take it easy. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| You know what's the best? | ||
| It's when a fat girl, like, whoever, Taylor, not Taylor Swift. | ||
| No, she's not. | ||
| Adele. | ||
| Adele, or whatever, and they're like, we love you, be whoever you are, and they lose weight, and all these fat chicks are like, fuck you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Look, I get it, dude. | ||
| I mean, obviously they're wrong, but you're feeling betrayed a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, because she was one of you. | ||
| I mean, that must have been how the black people felt with Michael Jackson. | ||
| When he went white. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, wait a second. | ||
| But then when he went pedophile, they're like, he's white. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep him, keep him. | |
| Keep him. | ||
| They never believed it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| A lot of people never believed it. | ||
| Yeah, I like that. | ||
| What, they don't believe it? | ||
| I love just being like, nah. | ||
| Cosby, too. | ||
| Cosby, too, they're like, uh-uh. | ||
| No thanks. | ||
| The only one they did do that was R. Kelly. | ||
| They're like, oh yeah, he did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there was a tape. | ||
| He pissed on those kids. | ||
| There was a tape of his new age. | ||
| But the tape came out, and he was still fine. | ||
| Well, he said it wasn't me. | ||
| I think that was Shaggy. | ||
| It wasn't me. | ||
| He's currently incarcerated, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I guess it was him. | ||
| Aren't you glad you're not into that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's not... | ||
| Imagine if that was a thing. | ||
| You wanted to piss on kids. | ||
| It's like, you love a lot of things, but what you really love. | ||
| I would love to piss on a kid, but not in a sexual way. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| I was a bed wetter. | ||
| I've peed on a lot of kids, but it was unintentional. | ||
| Sleepovers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would really get my ass kicked. | ||
| That fucked you up. | ||
| It did. | ||
| Bill's character. | ||
| Maybe we did a podcast about it. | ||
| You wet bed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Until 16? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah, 14. Do you think the R. Kelly thing was like what we were talking about before with David Bowie and Mick Jagger? | ||
| You just get so much pussy. | ||
| You lose your fucking mind. | ||
| No, I think he's off. | ||
| He's just got a problem. | ||
| He's just a wild dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I'm not like... | ||
| He's broken. | ||
| He got the allowance to do what he wanted, and then he found out, let me try everything. | ||
| He's like, oh, this is what I want. | ||
| And he kind of started a sex cult, right? | ||
| Yeah, dude, he had them in, like, the walls. | ||
| Yeah, dungeons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was, like, open a closet, there'd be a girl, and they're like... | |
| Help me! | ||
| Nobody tricked him. | ||
| Their parents would try to get them and be like, you need help. | ||
| This guy's bad. | ||
| And they'd be like, fuck you. | ||
| Leave me alone. | ||
| I'm 18. Yeah, dude. | ||
| You saw the thing from Africa? | ||
| He had a dungeon, dude. | ||
| What? | ||
| Do you saw the thing from his concert? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you had your shots? | ||
| Do you want to come to America? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To live in Rob's house. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Do you have your shots? | ||
| Do you have your passport? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Find that. | |
| Find that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shots. | |
| Find that. | ||
| What shots? | ||
| First off, he rules. | ||
| I still say, I maintain to this day that Real Talk is one of the greatest music videos the world has ever known. | ||
| It was real. | ||
| Which one was that? | ||
| Real Talk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you get your shots? | |
| Girl, would you like to come back with Rob? | ||
| To America America Did you get your shots? | ||
| Do you have your passport? | ||
| I would like to come back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| He's like the Pied Piper of the better. | ||
| That's what he was. | ||
| He called himself a Pied Piper. | ||
| Oh, he did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I like how he brings a towel on stage. | ||
| He's sweating so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can often hand it to someone in the front row and let them wipe off and sweat. | |
| He's singing passionately. | ||
| That's another thing he does is like the soap opera thing he did. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Trapped in the Closet. | ||
| Yeah, Trapped in the Closet. | ||
| That's not real talk? | ||
| No, Trapped in the Closet was like multiple, multiple songs. | ||
| There was a midget under the sink. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| It was basically an opera. | ||
| Oh my god, a midget! | ||
| No! | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| It's funny, he's like, before you do Trap in the Closet, I need to see Real Talk. | ||
| It's him talking to a girl, and she's accusing him of cheating, and he's getting his hair done, and he's smoking cigars, and he's like, what? | ||
| What did I do? | ||
| He sings in conversation, like that. | ||
| He's like, do you have your passport? | ||
| Do you want to come to a marriage? | ||
| There's no rhyming or anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
...because I think it's a great song, you know what I'm saying, even though there's a lot of profanity in it, but... | |
| I think this guy just got crack blown in his ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the guy. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So I did it on YouTube, but I'm going to do this shit for y'all on YouTube. | ||
| 2007. Wow, dude. | ||
| Didn't South Park do this? | ||
| Or they did the closet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're gonna be real, man. | |
| They did the closet. | ||
| I'm just gonna be real. | ||
| We're just gonna roll to them and we're gonna do it. | ||
| I'm doing this for the fans that I know around the globe that love real talk. | ||
| Girl, I wasn't... | ||
| Wait a minute, calm down. | ||
| I was at a club with who? | ||
| Get the... | ||
| Friends don't care. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Girl, I'm not about to sit up here and argue with you about who's to blame. | ||
| Or call no names. | ||
| Real talk. | ||
| See, girl. | ||
| Only thing I'm trying to establish with you is not who's right or who's wrong. | ||
| What's right and what's wrong? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Real talk. | |
| This is the best part, right here. | ||
| Sitting in VIP, smoking and drinking and kicking it. | ||
| tell me girl did she say there were other guys there did she say there were other guys there well there are other guys there well tell me this how the fuck she know i was with the mother girl that's so flimsy let me tell you what It's so good. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's just funny because everybody knows he's lying. | ||
| He obviously was with the other girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's not real talk at all. | ||
| You ever see a video of that guy sing to the judge, his apology? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Jamie, see if you can find it. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Oh yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, a midget. | |
| Oh yeah, I gotta see this. | ||
| Oh, it's fucking... | ||
| Peter Dinklage? | ||
| No, it's... | ||
| Oh, with the wire guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anthony... | |
| Michael K. Williams. | ||
| Michael K. Williams. | ||
| Michael, he was in this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She looked at the cabinet. | ||
| He walked to the cabinet. | ||
| There's a crew and camera men and lighting guys here. | ||
| Imagine the guys who have to record this like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| They didn't show the midget coming out? | ||
| Yeah, no midget. | ||
| The midget comes in the next episode. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| It was an ongoing. | ||
| It's a cliffhanger. | ||
| Dude, was he trying to be funny? | ||
| No! | ||
| That's the beauty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's totally sincere. | |
| It's madness. | ||
| It's almost like there was no editing at all. | ||
| Like, whatever he wrote, he started singing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Is that Bushwick Bill? | ||
| Yeah, L probably is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He kicked him in the shin! | |
| He dives over the table and lands on the midget I've never seen this! | ||
| Bridget, Bridget, she yells "Darling don't hurt us" Her name is Bridget? | ||
| Yeah, Bridget the Midget! | ||
| Why is he in a suit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's under the sink, he's in a suit. | |
| She's getting a gun? | ||
| I put it on the table! | ||
| What the hell you're doing in my house? | ||
| He wipes cherry pie crust off his mouth and says, man, I was paid not to tell you. | ||
| Then the police pulls his gun out. | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| Man, I've got the right to shoot you. | ||
| Midget says, mister, the man that paid me to do this would kill me if I tear. | ||
| He points the gun in his face. | ||
| The midget says, God, I think I just shit it on my face. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| This is gold! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is gold! | |
| So crazy! | ||
| This guy got the booster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's on the whiteboard. | |
| He does white voice! | ||
| My name is Brady *laughs* *laughs* *laughs* *laughs* Holy fuck! | ||
| This is so insanely good. | ||
| We should have a view... | ||
| Oh, she's got a double barrel. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh my god, Bridget's not fucking around. | ||
| 27 chapters or something, right? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| This doesn't have enough views. | ||
| 162,000? | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| Oh, this is new. | ||
| It probably gets uploaded and they take it down. | ||
| YouTube thinks it's problematic. | ||
| Is it his feed or someone else? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's awesome that we just assumed that Black Midget was Bushwick. | ||
| I don't know if it's not. | ||
| Bushwick only has one eye. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| True. | ||
| It's on the cover of We Can't Be Stopped. | ||
| The other I? Bro, I'm a Ghetto Boys fan. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| In the old days. | ||
| 33 chapters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Seven year saga. | ||
| We should have a viewing party. | ||
| That'd be the best. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Shrooms? | ||
| Real talk. | ||
| I couldn't do shrooms. | ||
| Why do you got a big screen? | ||
| It's right in front of us. | ||
| If we did shrooms to watch that, I'd be sad. | ||
| Yeah, that's tough. | ||
| That would fuck me up. | ||
| Alright, I just like doing shrooms. | ||
| You'd never want to see a midget on shrooms. | ||
| No. | ||
| It fucking ruins the vibe. | ||
| Sorry, Brad. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| What? | ||
| You don't say stuff like that. | ||
| No, alright. | ||
| I apologize. | ||
| Definitely see midgets when you're on mushrooms. | ||
| You can't even see midget anymore. | ||
| Yeah, midget's bad, dude. | ||
| They take that word away. | ||
| We're quoting Robert, but... | ||
| Robert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind? | |
| Bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think I shitted myself. | |
| Hey, Rob, if you're listening, I want to go to your house, and I do have my passport and my shots. | ||
| He's in jail. | ||
| I'll go to your house. | ||
| I mean, the guy's an artist. | ||
| My favorite line in that song is he goes, Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Real talk. | |
| Because you can tell she just said, I'm going to burn your clothes. | ||
| Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. | ||
| This is just real conversations he's had with some chicks. | ||
| It's so funny to get caught cheating and think you have a good point. | ||
| Were there other guys there? | ||
| Were there other guys? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then he sits back. | ||
| Tell me this. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How the fuck she know I was with them other girls, man? | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| I might start sing-fighting with my girlfriend. | ||
| She's like, stop playing Xbox. | ||
| I'm like, bitch! | ||
| I like playing Xbox! | ||
| What's amazing is how many years he got away with doing what he was doing. | ||
| Because all this real talk was after the videotape got released. | ||
| The Chappelle sketch was 2003-ish. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's when it was a known thing that he liked to piss on young chicks. | ||
| And this was 2007. It was funny. | ||
| Never got edited out of the movie. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| Edit what out of a movie? | ||
| He never got edited out of any movies because of pissing on underage chicks. | ||
| He was the Space Jam singer. | ||
| Yeah, that was a huge song. | ||
| He's crazy and now he's in jail. | ||
| I think they're posting videos of him in jail singing. | ||
| All the other dudes are like, hell yeah, this is awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I mean Cosby was doing sets in jail. | ||
| He's not set yet. | ||
| He's appealing and asking to be sent to Juve Hall. | ||
| What's going on, Jimmy? | ||
| They tried to delay the sentencing just yesterday, and that got denied. | ||
| So it's May 4th, and he faces 10 to life. | ||
| We should go. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| What's he in trouble for? | ||
| Tricking bitches? | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| No, he's in trouble. | ||
| There's underage shit. | ||
| There's a lot of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| There's many things. | ||
| It's like imprisonment. | ||
| I hope he sings defense. | ||
| Sex and corn. | ||
| I'd like to represent myself. | ||
| Can I say one more thing? | ||
| What are the charges? | ||
| Sex trafficking convictions. | ||
| Excuse me, convictions. | ||
| Sex trafficking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ah, dang it. | ||
| What's sex trafficking? | ||
| Damn, that's a tough one. | ||
| How is sex trafficking? | ||
| Oh, he was getting girls. | ||
| Illegally. | ||
| I mean, he would just, maybe they must be minors, but I think he was getting girls from, like, Ohio or wherever and bringing them state lines. | ||
| Prohibits the transport of any woman or girl across state lines for any immoral purpose. | ||
| Oh, no, we're all in trouble. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| What's immoral? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because sodomy is, like, isn't, like, oral sex is illegal in some states. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| So if a girl comes across a state line to visit you and blow you... | ||
| That's why I always try to tell girls. | ||
| Federal charges of child pornography and obstruction of justice. | ||
| Oh, that's separate. | ||
| I'm actually with the people that deny this, dude. | ||
| Free kills. | ||
| He's innocent, dude. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Find the video of him singing in jail. | ||
| Go to Reddit for that. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| Yeah, he's in jail singing for the fellas. | ||
| Oh, I thought that was a joke. | ||
| No, I've seen a video of him singing in jail. | ||
| And it's fucking good. | ||
| Prison's gonna stop R. Kelly from singing? | ||
| True. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Oh, he's having a good time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My body's telling me yes, baby. | |
| And the wild style can't be dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to hurt nobody. | |
| But there is something that I must confess. | ||
| Dude, he's so good. | ||
| I don't want to hurt nobody. | ||
| He's basically saying, don't rape me, guys. | ||
| I'll sing for you. | ||
| Please leave me alone. | ||
| Is there more? | ||
| My body is telling me yes. | ||
| He's talking about gay sex in jail. | ||
| There is a video going around I sent to Segura last night because it's like his style. | ||
| That's going to get the boys fired up. | ||
| Have I heard that song in there? | ||
| Yeah, it gives you hope. | ||
| I'd like to have sex with that guy. | ||
| You finish that song and go, now go out there and go rape! | ||
| Go get those white guys in here on DUI. My body is telling me yes. | ||
| My mind is telling me no, my body is telling me yes. | ||
| That was one of his big hits. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| See if there's any other videos of him in jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's got a YouTube? | |
| R. Kelly singing in jail. | ||
| Caught singing to a girl on TikTok from jail. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Try that. | ||
| It's an hour and 15 minute video. | ||
| We'll just scoop you down. | ||
| Yeah, play the whole thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind? | |
| Real talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have to ask you something. | |
| Can you sing a song for me? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Love Letter. | ||
| Did you get my call? | ||
| Did you get my call? | ||
| The voice of an angel. | ||
| When your dad goes to the same prison as R. Kelly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| That's adorable. | ||
| When your dad goes to the same prison as R. Kelly, that is wild. | ||
| Man. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| Kelly hired Bill Cosby's legal counsel? | ||
| They did pretty good. | ||
| That's what it said. | ||
| Yeah, he's out. | ||
| Yeah, they did a real good job. | ||
| No one's talking about the fact that he's out, right? | ||
| He's out. | ||
| I think he's done shows. | ||
| Is he out out? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is he done? | ||
| I think he's out. | ||
| Now what happened? | ||
| How did he get out? | ||
| I think they said the stuff he admitted to was... | ||
| They promised him they wouldn't prosecute him if he confessed. | ||
| It was something like that. | ||
| And they used what he said in that moment. | ||
| And they're like, you can't. | ||
| And they just did it because they didn't want riots in the streets. | ||
| Supreme Court will not review the decision to overturn Bill Cosby's conviction. | ||
| Prosecutors had appealed a ruling by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court which had overturned the conviction on due process grounds. | ||
| So he's out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Damn, that's a shame. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at that shirt. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| Central 256? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Filled up an area code? | ||
| It's like a high school. | ||
| So he's out-out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What is he doing? | ||
| What is Bill Cosby doing today? | ||
| Is that his wife? | ||
| Go to his YouTube page. | ||
| I think that's like his legal team. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Damn, that lady's... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She's bullsy for repping him. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| He's out-out. | ||
| It's a weird world. | ||
| If he got let off in the beginning, it would have been fucking murder in the streets. | ||
| Yeah, but now it's... | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Everyone lost their fucking... | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| He does have a YouTube channel. | ||
| And it's all Cosby Show shit from four years ago. | ||
| Oh, he got the rights back. | ||
| Well, the show was good. | ||
| Did he get the rights back to the Cosby Show? | ||
| How could he put it up? | ||
| NBC would take all this down. | ||
| But it's like one minute, 51 seconds, two minutes, 40 seconds. | ||
| You think NBC would go, no, you don't have the rights to this. | ||
| Wait, why does it say Comedy Central? | ||
| He did a special with them. | ||
| He's only got 16,000 subscribers. | ||
| He did. | ||
| That's fucking nuts. | ||
| Guys, look at that. | ||
| Bill Cosby has 16,000 subscribers on YouTube. | ||
| May or may not be his official channel. | ||
| Let's make it his official channel. | ||
| Yeah, probably not. | ||
| Why are you pissing on my parade, bro? | ||
| Hey, R. Kelly. | ||
| He does have a Twitter account. | ||
| That's one of his songs. | ||
| His account does exist. | ||
| Dang it. | ||
| But he had an account for a long time. | ||
| Do you think Twitter banned his account? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably not. | |
| The R. Kelly thing, the day he got convicted, his YouTube account got deleted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Damn. | ||
| He works for Sleepy's now. | ||
| That's why all these videos aren't there anymore. | ||
| So June of 2021 is when he got out. | ||
| He got it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He works for Sleepy's now. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son of a B. Ari, what the hell, dude? | |
| You gotta pee? | ||
| I gotta piss, yeah. | ||
| Alright, go ahead. | ||
| I have a penis. | ||
| Alright, lock that door behind him. | ||
| Yeah, get him out of here. | ||
| Real talk. | ||
| Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind? | ||
| Yeah, it's nice. | ||
| It's nice to sing Fight a Girl. | ||
| Do you think Weinstein ever gets out? | ||
| He might die in there. | ||
| Weinstein's gonna be in there forever, right? | ||
| Yeah, he looks bad. | ||
| He looks like a pug, dude. | ||
| Real bad. | ||
| He can't walk anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| He's fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, and he got COVID twice in jail. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| And he got COVID in jail, they just put a fan in your room. | ||
| That's a different kind of COVID. Jail COVID. He's probably got it nice. | ||
| He's probably hooked up. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| I don't think he has any money left. | ||
| I think they've basically taken all of his money. | ||
| He had some good movies. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| Yeah, he had every movie. | ||
| Here he is. | ||
| Disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein caught smuggling milk duds in jail. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What a life. | ||
| Look, I think obviously what he did was horrific. | ||
| Let the dude have some milk duds. | ||
| He's dying, dude. | ||
| Give him some duds. | ||
| You don't get a dud. | ||
| No dud. | ||
| No more duds. | ||
| It's over, Harv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fucked up. | |
| And they took it from him. | ||
| They're like, no more duds, dude. | ||
| We told you. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| That might tack on six months to a sentence. | ||
| No. | ||
| There was an innocent misunderstanding, Weinstein said. | ||
| It will not happen again. | ||
| He said that a couple times. | ||
| I've been a model inmate, following the rules and regulations, and I'm sincerely sorry. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Bro, that guy must... | ||
| How long is he supposed to be in jail for? | ||
| Definitely forever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| You know that joke? | ||
| You know you're in for a long time when you leave off the four. | ||
| Oh, Bernie Mac? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Leave off the four? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah, he goes, he's like, how long you in here for? | ||
| He's like, ever. | ||
| Was that from Life, the movie? | ||
| That was from... | ||
| That was from... | ||
| I'm Not Scared of You Motherfuckers. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's at the end. | ||
| He's like, oh, you're in here for another motherfucker? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So how many years has he been in jail for now? | ||
| Harvey Weinstein? | ||
| Yeah, two or three, right? | ||
| Oh, he was out for a long time. | ||
| We had a waitress at the stand who used to work at Rockwood Music Hall when we did shows there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she said, he just came in. | ||
| What? | ||
| And they were like, you gotta serve him. | ||
| And all the waitress was like, we don't want to. | ||
| And they were like, his money's green just like everybody. | ||
| You gotta serve him. | ||
| And they were like, this is kind of, but we don't want to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Weird. | ||
| Yeah, remember that comic you got him? | ||
| Yeah, she was like, why are we all just pretending like Harvey Weinstein's not here? | ||
| Yeah, that was pretty funny. | ||
| That was really funny. | ||
| I would have been a pussy. | ||
| She was at a comedy show. | ||
| It's really cool, Harvey Weinstein's here. | ||
| No, I would have said something knowing the camera was on me. | ||
| Like, oh, this guy sucks. | ||
| Well, do you think he thought that he was going to win the court case? | ||
| Why didn't he need to, like, flee to Antigua or something? | ||
| Right? | ||
| I think he thought he was going to win. | ||
| I think he was too big, his ego. | ||
| He's like, I got this. | ||
| Do you think his lawyers told him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he was huge. | ||
| Where do you go if you were that guy and you wanted to bail? | ||
| But he's French. | ||
| The thing is, Polanski can live in France. | ||
| They allow him. | ||
| You know where to go? | ||
| Israel. | ||
| That's the move? | ||
| They'll take any Jew right of return. | ||
| What if I'm not a Jew? | ||
| Sorry, dude. | ||
| Oh, they'd take you in. | ||
| Take me in? | ||
| I'll take it with me. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| You can take me in? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can I be an honorary Jew? | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| Circumcised? | ||
| Because you're money now. | ||
| Circumcised? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Do you think that if something happened to you, you would flee to Israel? | ||
| I'd be somewhere. | ||
| I'd reinvent myself. | ||
| I would just go like... | ||
| I'd reinvent myself. | ||
| Shave my head, go different. | ||
| Shave your head. | ||
| Oh, nobody would recognize you there. | ||
| Yeah, you fucking stork. | ||
| Go to some like nothing village somewhere. | ||
| It wouldn't be Israel. | ||
| It'd be like, I'll just live. | ||
| They'll throw you right under the bus. | ||
| The people with cellphones in the village will be like, look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari Shavir. | |
| Ari Shavir. | ||
| We're gonna do Well, you lived in China for a hot minute, didn't you? | ||
| Yeah, I lived all over. | ||
| It's like, yeah, you just go live in a place where they don't know anything about America. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's tough to get out, though. | ||
| Getting out would be tough. | ||
| Getting out of the country's tough. | ||
| Tell a story about when you were in China and some guy chased you out of his house with a baseball bat because you were having relations with his daughter. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Kells! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, it's China! | |
| It's a Chinese man with a baseball bat! | ||
| And he's swinging it at my hand! | ||
| He came in like waving to me. | ||
| He was like, trying to kill me. | ||
| The Chinese love baseball, too. | ||
| I ran out of there. | ||
| I was so frightening. | ||
| I haven't thought of that in a while. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Tell me what happened. | ||
| I was hooking up with some chick in some show outside. | ||
| Any language barrier? | ||
| Asian? | ||
| A major language barrier. | ||
| Did she speak English at all? | ||
| Language of love. | ||
| Well, Jewish men love to eat Chinese. | ||
| It wasn't Christmas. | ||
| So was she saying anything in English to you, or was it just implied? | ||
| Did you get her age and have to be like Google Translate? | ||
| We did go through Google Translate a little bit. | ||
| That works. | ||
| Yeah, to make up the barrier. | ||
| She spoke a little bit, and then we were there hooking up, and just the door was open. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old was she? | |
| 12 or 13 at least. | ||
| So she came to your show? | ||
| Yeah, it was at a bar and she spoke some English. | ||
| Was she laughing at your act? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was just afterwards, you know? | ||
| We were talking to the bar afterwards. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's how you know when it comes to just a lady, she didn't even know if your jokes were funny. | ||
| She just saw you with a light on you and a microphone, and she was like, wow, cool, perfect. | ||
| I assume it was doing well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it was the show that was right over the border from Hong Kong, but I don't remember exactly which one it was. | ||
| I assume you were bombing. | ||
| That's nasty, dude. | ||
| So how did it go? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| You started screaming and holding a fucking baseball bat. | ||
| Don't lie. | ||
| Alright, good. | ||
| So you go back to the house. | ||
| I was frightened of my ass. | ||
| Give me the whole story. | ||
| We're going to the house. | ||
| She's like, shh. | ||
| I'm like, shh. | ||
| That's not my first rodeo. | ||
| It's like, of course. | ||
| You go in there. | ||
| We start making out. | ||
| And the door just... | ||
| I mean, we're taking our clothes off. | ||
| You know, sex. | ||
| Chopsticks? | ||
| And then the door just busts open. | ||
| I hadn't penetrated yet. | ||
| Did you get your dick out? | ||
| But they were screaming, dude. | ||
| How loud was it? | ||
| Yeah, I had my dick out. | ||
| Chinese dude with a bat? | ||
| That must have been the loudest fucking thing on earth. | ||
| It was frightening. | ||
| It looked like Empire of the Sun. | ||
| Did you ever put your pants back on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I had to navigate this guy being angry and holding a weapon, and I'm trying to close up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Matsui. | ||
| And get around the door. | ||
| Unlike Louis, this guy did block the door. | ||
| So how'd you get out? | ||
| He kind of like, he wanted me out of there. | ||
| So he just kind of like, yeah. | ||
| And then as I was running out, I could hear him screaming at the daughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| You're like Mothra over there. | ||
| You're probably towering over them. | ||
| Did you have any more shows in that city? | ||
| No. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| We went home the next day. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Were you walking through the airport nervous? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, because it was back over the border into Hong Kong. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That was staying. | ||
| Was she yelling at the dad like, no, no, no! | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| She was like screaming at him. | ||
| I'm like, this is not my situation. | ||
| My boner did not remain. | ||
| How old was the dad? | ||
| Might have been a boyfriend or a husband. | ||
| He was old, like my age. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| There we go, Ari! | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Hey, hey. | ||
| Hey, you got some juice left? | ||
| Yeah, that suit's bringing you back. | ||
| God, what a weird fucking time. | ||
| God, it was fucking weird. | ||
| But how fun is that shit? | ||
| You did the China run? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a great fucking cool run. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| I saw the wall. | ||
| Beijing was awesome. | ||
| How many shows you did? | ||
| We did a show a night for two weeks. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, 17 days for me. | ||
| Shanghai. | ||
| Did you do the zip card down the wall? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| There's a sign in there going, this is not regulated. | ||
| Use your own risk. | ||
| And you just have to fucking go or stop. | ||
| It's janky. | ||
| It's janky. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| But it was fun. | ||
| Who'd you go with? | ||
| How many comics? | ||
| It was just me. | ||
| Just you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the opening act? | ||
| Did you have an opening act? | ||
| No, it was like showcases. | ||
| Did you go to Turner? | ||
| Turner and Andy Curtain? | ||
| Andy was there. | ||
| He put the whole thing on. | ||
| He's head of Live Nation Asia now. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| So how does it work? | ||
| You say showcases. | ||
| There's a club in Shanghai. | ||
| So you just do the club every night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was. | |
| Oh, it's gone? | ||
| They shut it down. | ||
| Ah, shit. | ||
| That was a good room. | ||
| They're like, thank you. | ||
| We learned about your fucking income-making possibilities. | ||
| You're good to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| They let Americans and Westerners come in to teach them how to make money, and then eventually they're like, we're pretty much closing our borders. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| We got enough we can get from you. | ||
| You're out. | ||
| So they let them in so that they figure out how to make money off stand-up? | ||
| Off all these sorts of things. | ||
| And then we learned enough, and it's like, hey, this free speech, get out. | ||
| They were very strict. | ||
| I don't know if they were with you. | ||
| Do not make fun of the Chinese government. | ||
| We know you think it'll be funny. | ||
| It won't be. | ||
| Not here. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| But I had no jokes on that anyway. | ||
| So I was just like, eh, whatever. | ||
| I don't know anything about your government. | ||
| I wasn't even planning on it. | ||
| But, you know, one of them was a bar show. | ||
| One was in a bookstore. | ||
| But they were all great. | ||
| Beijing was a bookstore. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's where I met Des. | ||
| That was the best show of the trip. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Yeah, and they gave us duck after. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| And you say you're doing it as a showcase. | ||
| So how many comics were on the show with you? | ||
| It was like three, four comics than me, and I'd probably do like 20 or 30. Locals? | ||
| A lot of locals. | ||
| That's how they got the comedy scene. | ||
| They're like, hey, is an out-of-towner here? | ||
| Come in. | ||
| And they're like, by the way, guys, we have an open mic every week if you want to come back. | ||
| And people are like, all right. | ||
| All these expats are like, I'll come back. | ||
| I did so much blow in Beijing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a risky move. | ||
| Nah, they don't give a shit. | ||
| Any drug that white people do, they're like, we don't care. | ||
| Opium, they'll kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Coke, they're like, fucking kill yourselves. | ||
| We don't care. | ||
| They don't care if you do coke? | ||
| They don't care about weed. | ||
| They don't know what the smell is. | ||
| Coke, they just, it's a white drug. | ||
| It's not a yellow drug, so they just don't care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So they have no regulations on coke? | ||
| You can't import it. | ||
| There was a Bayesian comic who got caught with coke, they stamped her passport, never allowed her to return, sent her on her way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| She steamed it out and went back. | ||
| Oh, what a badass. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| Gangster. | ||
| Miss Pat? | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Were any of the guys that you were working with funny? | ||
| No. | ||
| They're brand new. | ||
| Yeah, they were new. | ||
| They were young. | ||
| Very supportive. | ||
| It was like a belly room. | ||
| It was a very supportive show. | ||
| And I think comedy stand-up is kind of new there. | ||
| Yeah, stand-up's new. | ||
| Yeah, so you could go in there and you were a god. | ||
| You're murdering because you had set a punch, set a punch. | ||
| And they were just like, oh, this is weird. | ||
| You know, it was a lot of that stuff. | ||
| You were like a black dude playing rock and roll. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| White people was just like, oh! | ||
| Was it a lot of Americans? | ||
| There was some Australian, some European, a couple American, and some Chinese. | ||
| So is it a lot of people that are there for jobs or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, five-year, three-year contracts for banks or schools or whatever. | ||
| I notice a lot of ugly white guys move to China to get laid. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because you stand out. | ||
| You're like a black guy. | ||
| Your dick's bigger. | ||
| You're cooler. | ||
| You're more athletic. | ||
| There was a guy, a comic there, who pickpocketed somebody. | ||
| And a black guy. | ||
| And they were like, they just made a lineup of like the eight black people in Beijing. | ||
| And the lady's like, yeah, it's that one. | ||
| He just got out of jail. | ||
| Just got out of a Chinese jail? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he went to China to rob people? | ||
| I don't think that's why he was there. | ||
| Can you imagine getting arrested for robbery in China? | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| Did they lock him up? | ||
| They locked him up. | ||
| They said he came out changed. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, that was changing. | ||
| Caning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they probably stripped layers out of his asshole. | |
| Yikes. | ||
| The inside of it is very different. | ||
| My body is telling me yes. | ||
| Imagine what they did to him in jail, man. | ||
| In China. | ||
| That's what I forgot about that chick with her fucking dad. | ||
| I didn't forget. | ||
| You told me that story. | ||
| I was terrified. | ||
| Yeah, it's a real fucked up thing. | ||
| It's just adventure out there. | ||
| It's a fun trip. | ||
| It's a fun trip. | ||
| Callan told me he went to a restaurant and there was a hole in the floor where he'd go to take a shit. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And then underneath it was pigs. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Eating the shit. | ||
| That I didn't see. | ||
| There was a restaurant where pigs were under the shit. | ||
| They were eating human shit. | ||
| And then you go, yeah, and then you order a fucking... | ||
| And then you eat the pig that ate the shit. | ||
| Yikes, full circle. | ||
| Yeah, I can't believe COVID came out of there. | ||
| There's the other thing that Ari told me about that I couldn't believe was true, but was sewer oil. | ||
| They would make cooking oil out of sewage. | ||
| They would boil raw sewage down and find the oil and strip it out and then resell it to these restaurants. | ||
| They'd render it down and then they'd make... | ||
| I'm never going there. | ||
| They'd say something like two-thirds of the street noodles are made with sewage oil. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I remember walking down an alley, and there was a guy doing dental work in a chair. | ||
| And I was like, wow, what's that? | ||
| Like, that's a dentist's office. | ||
| And then next to it was like a guy getting his hair cut on the street. | ||
| I was like, this is China. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| I don't know if you guys just get it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta have walls around these things. | ||
| Yeah, maybe some Purell, a glove. | ||
| In a lot of ways, it's way more free. | ||
| You could buy a beer at 3 a.m. | ||
| and just drink it in the street, but you can't get on Google. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you can't watch videos at Tiananmen Square. | ||
| There's no sign even there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You don't even know. | ||
| You're like, where was it? | ||
| You just walked through it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no notification of a historical... | ||
| Because of what happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how they roll. | ||
| You can only do TikTok for three hours there. | ||
| They have all these weird rules. | ||
| This is the dentist on the street. | ||
| There it is! | ||
| There's Mark in the back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, Dennis! | ||
| Keep your tooth. | ||
| Teeth. | ||
| See, look at that. | ||
| That guy's just done. | ||
| He's good to go. | ||
| That guy got a good mustache. | ||
| No lollipop. | ||
| Yeah, this doesn't look great. | ||
| But it's cool to see. | ||
| It is cool to see. | ||
| And then you're just building material. | ||
| I'm walking through. | ||
| I'm writing an hour of jokes here. | ||
| It's so foreign. | ||
| A billion people. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| So, did you eat any of that food that was made with sewage oil? | ||
| I think I did. | ||
| He must have. | ||
| I probably did. | ||
| The food wasn't great, because, you know, Chinese food in America is all sweetened up and salted up. | ||
| Out there, it's a little bland. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't as good. | ||
| They don't take the bones out, too. | ||
| They just cleaver the whole thing into bite-sized pieces, but bones are in the middle of it. | ||
| So they'll make you take your own bones out. | ||
| Yeah, and you're like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Good times. | ||
| It was a really cool, interesting experience. | ||
| That really got me going on travel. | ||
| That's the most foreign place. | ||
| It's weird watching how they navigate through groups of people, how they just kind of bump into each other. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| No sense of personal space. | ||
| There's no bubble in China. | ||
| No. | ||
| Even the subway, they just push you in, and they're just like, ugh, in the subway. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| When I was on a plane, we were going from Taiwan to, I forget, I think we were on the way to Thailand. | ||
| You went to Taiwan? | ||
| Yeah, and there was a lot of Chinese people on the plane, and my daughter was waiting in line for the bathroom, and this Chinese lady walks past her like she wasn't even a thing, like bumped her like she was a curtain. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| My wife got all pissed off, and I go, she's not being rude. | ||
| It's just their culture. | ||
| That's how it is. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| There's no expectation of personal space. | ||
| My daughter was like, you know, fucking nine. | ||
| She was like, bump. | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| She looked at me, and it was one of those things like, this is just how they do it. | ||
| Be cool. | ||
| Don't freak out. | ||
| She's not even being rude. | ||
| She's bumping into you because she would bump into me that way, too. | ||
| She'd bump into anybody. | ||
| On the plane from China or in China, there's always somebody with their carry-on with just a box of a turkey, like a dead turkey. | ||
| It's always leaking and shit into the fucking cardboard box. | ||
| Duct-taped and shit. | ||
| You can get one where you're going. | ||
| I flew coach to China. | ||
| It was the hardest thing I've ever done. | ||
| It was like my Vietnam. | ||
| It was brutal. | ||
| How many hours? | ||
| 21? | ||
| It was a long flight. | ||
| We went through Doha. | ||
| I did coach too. | ||
| It was a nightmare. | ||
| Same size coach seats as American coach? | ||
| Same shit. | ||
| And the TV was in Chinese. | ||
| I was like, fuck! | ||
| So I couldn't even watch TV really. | ||
| And I remember a guy's foot came between the seats. | ||
| That's just how they do it there. | ||
| Yeah, you can't tell them no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The cool thing, I had heavy edibles the whole way. | ||
| But then when you landed, you have to go to the bathroom and dump whatever. | ||
| But Jesus Christ, when did you get arrested? | ||
| On the plane in America. | ||
| You dump them in the airport, in the airplane before you go in. | ||
| And then you're just high when you go in. | ||
| I took everything I had left, took those, and then got off the plane. | ||
| But when you land in China, you're like, oh, I'm fucked. | ||
| It's all, you know, character, Chinese characters. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| Isn't there an app where you can hold your phone up and it'll translate? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Probably now. | ||
| I didn't have that. | ||
| Yeah, there is. | ||
| I just had to wing it. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| You just point. | ||
| I learned the word for beef, and I was like, I think Ryu or something like that. | ||
| I was like, Ryu? | ||
| And they just pointed at a sign like, there's 10 different beef. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| Three? | ||
| And then you just got to go with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Whatever it is, it is. | ||
| Did you try to learn any of the language? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Please, thank you. | ||
| I always try to learn please, thank you. | ||
| One through ten. | ||
| Bathroom. | ||
| What's ni hao? | ||
| Ni hao? | ||
| Is that bi? | ||
| Hello? | ||
| Is that Chinese? | ||
| Yeah, kailan. | ||
| Ni hao, kailan. | ||
| You ever see that show? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| It's a kid's show. | ||
| Ni hao. | ||
| It was like a Chinese cartoon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You ever seen it? | ||
| No, I don't have kids. | ||
| I'm from Durham. | ||
| Find him. | ||
| Find him. | ||
| Ni hao. | ||
| Ni hao. | ||
| Yeah, it's a show where it's like this lady and... | ||
| Drink, dude. | ||
| You guys are all sober as a bird, dude. | ||
| I finished all that whiskey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here it is. | |
| There's Kyland. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| That was a fucking cup of whiskey. | ||
| Ni hao. | ||
| So she has a pet panda bear. | ||
| She's cute. | ||
| She's got a pet... | ||
| Tiger and that little monkey. | ||
| What does Ni Hao mean? | ||
| It means hello. | ||
| Okay, I think it does too. | ||
| Does it mean hello? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| But I'll tell you, you realize how much you rely on that phone, that GPS, that Uber, when you're like, I'm fucked. | ||
| The GPS, you can get any public transportation. | ||
| You can get on there in China. | ||
| I know, but it's still like, you know, you look up, you're like, I don't know what the hell these numbers mean or what that means, and you've got to really, like, use your brain again. | ||
| It's fun just getting lost there, though. | ||
| I love getting lost. | ||
| I love to just travel and live and laugh. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| And love. | ||
| Wake up without a kidney. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tub of ice. | ||
| I was watching this documentary where they were talking about what they do to get harvest organs from prisoners. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Lighter? | ||
| You want to light it for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They suspect that they harvest the organs from prisoners and from people who fucked up. | ||
| So if you get an organ, you get a kidney. | ||
| It's probably from some child molester or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Murderer. | |
| Maybe, or some guy who fucked up. | ||
| China forcefully harvests organs from detainees. | ||
| Tribunal concludes. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| China's organ transplant trade is worth one billion a year, and they forcefully harvest the organs from prisoners. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| You go to jail for shoplifting. | ||
| Well, we get your finger. | ||
| They take your kidney. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They take a chunk out of your liver. | ||
| Well, the liver is very resilient. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| And then the kidney, you get two of those, right? | ||
| Burt Kreischer's alive. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah, none of it makes sense. | ||
| Norm is dead, Burt's alive. | ||
| Artie Lang's alive. | ||
| Artie Lang's alive with no nose. | ||
| That's not a good symbol there. | ||
| The fake swastikas, the reverse swastikas. | ||
| Falun Gong, which means the wheel practice in Chinese, a set of meditation exercises and texts that preach the virtues of truth, benevolence, and forbearance. | ||
| So those people, it's like a religious sect. | ||
| And those people, they were, oh, the Chinese government banned Falun Gong. | ||
| Oh, they're in Deer Park, New York. | ||
| We've got to go over there. | ||
| And so those people, they were harvesting their organs. | ||
| Whoops. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| Yeah, all that, what's that thing where they show the bodies and set out? | ||
| Bodies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was all like, hey, would nobody give permission for you guys to use this for a traveling show? | ||
| Not just that, like, they even say, like, that those bodies, like, Google, like, where do the bodies come from? | ||
| We've done this before. | ||
| They're all of them, like, unclaimed Chinese bodies. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| What? | ||
| Ash. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| I forget how good this is. | ||
| It's a great beer. | ||
| Get the Texas logo right on there. | ||
| Everything's Texas. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Texas supports Texas. | ||
| Texas fucking loves Texas. | ||
| Don't bring your California to my Texas. | ||
| I love it here. | ||
| Second best flag in the Union. | ||
| I mean, I get it. | ||
| If I was from Texas... | ||
| I mean, Texas is... | ||
| What America is to the rest of the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, yeah, we're the fucking best. | ||
| And everybody else is like, yeah, you guys are cool. | ||
| Fuck you guys. | ||
| Shut up about it. | ||
| But they all wind up moving here when shit goes sideways. | ||
| And you got all these great festivals here. | ||
| They all come in for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of festivals. | |
| A lot of comedy here, man. | ||
| A lot of comedy. | ||
| There's so many comedy clubs now. | ||
| The scene here is hot. | ||
| I keep hearing about Sunset Strip comedy clip. | ||
| What the hell is that? | ||
| There's the Romo Room, there's the Creek in the Cave, there's Vulcan. | ||
| Have you done all these yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I've done the Creek in the Cave, and I've done Vulcan, and Stubbs. | ||
| I did Stubbs a bunch of times with Chappelle. | ||
| It'd only be stupid to open another one. | ||
| Yeah, only a moron would do that. | ||
| What's a date? | ||
| You got a date yet? | ||
| Sometime in the summer. | ||
| We're in construction right now. | ||
| Hey, hey! | ||
| I'll show you afterwards. | ||
| It's a badass room. | ||
| No, we all went. | ||
| Oh, you were there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| It's gonna be awesome. | ||
| Without that suit, I forgot you. | ||
| We should see it now, because it's demoed. | ||
| All the seats are gone. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| We've got all the walls are prepped. | ||
| It's pretty exciting. | ||
| Ice left? | ||
| Or is that water? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you got there? | |
| That's water. | ||
| Just take a shot, dude. | ||
| I like to milk it. | ||
| Just take a shot. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| You need ice cubes? | ||
| Just dig in with your hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We don't care. | |
| Oh, here, here, here. | ||
| Oh, yeah, there's a ton of ice. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Hit me, baby. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Alright, alright. | ||
| Good sound. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| That is a nice sound. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| ADR? Is that what that is? | ||
| Where they add sound in later? | ||
| We could do these live. | ||
| What? | ||
| Protect Our Parks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you don't do live anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, you mean in front of a crowd? | ||
| In front of a crowd. | ||
| Oh, that would be fun. | ||
| That would be fun. | ||
| We need a better name. | ||
| We've got to solidify a name. | ||
| I like Bush Meat Boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like Bush Meat Boys. | |
| Protect Our Parks is perfect. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
P.O.P.? Protect Our Parks is good. | |
| Because it's terrible. | ||
| Bush Meat Boys. | ||
| That's what people have been saying. | ||
| Bush Meat Boys? | ||
| Who's the people? | ||
| The people you talk to? | ||
| My text message thread says protect our parks. | ||
| Yeah, mine too. | ||
| Ari, it's time for us to start protecting parks. | ||
| Well, we gotta find a new park to protect. | ||
| We should have another wasted opportunity every week. | ||
| How much work did you put in to try to save that park? | ||
| I went on a couple marches. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| You got a shirt? | ||
| You went on marches? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To protect a park? | ||
| Marches don't really work, right? | ||
| They don't. | ||
| Went to Carolyn Rivera's house and fucking put some fucking garbage in our stoop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Carolina Rivera. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Congressman, she's on the take. | ||
| You did that to a woman of color? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| A lot of them are on the take? | ||
| You threw trash on a woman of color. | ||
| How many congresspeople do you think are legit not on the take? | ||
| A small percentage. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I talked to a UFC fighter once a long time ago. | ||
| So, grain of salt, I'm not going to say the name, so it's grain of salt. | ||
| Was it right after a fight when he was just making stuff up? | ||
| Yeah, it's a carnival source. | ||
| He goes, how many UFC fighters on steroids? | ||
| And he was like, fuck, all of them. | ||
| I mean, so few or not. | ||
| It's just different levels of whatever steroids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, that was back in the day. | |
| Yeah, back in the day. | ||
| They're fired up. | ||
| Before USADA. That's true. | ||
| That was true. | ||
| For a while, there was a lot of them that are on PDs. | ||
| It's either some or too much, but they're all on something. | ||
| Something. | ||
| At the time, a lot of them were. | ||
| There was guys like BJ Penn that were straight, natural. | ||
| Yeah, Clay Guida. | ||
| I would, dude. | ||
| You know how nervous you'd be before a fight? | ||
| And someone's like, hey, this will help you. | ||
| And you've got to keep up with the competition. | ||
| That was the problem. | ||
| It's like the Tour de France. | ||
| When everyone is doing steroids, you do steroids. | ||
| You cannot do it. | ||
| BJ Penn, the Hawaiian dudes are fucking tough. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Scrap over there and there's nowhere to go. | ||
| You're on an island. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scrap. | |
| Scrap. | ||
| That's what they call it. | ||
| There's nowhere to go. | ||
| Were you at that Maui Fest? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that Maui Fest. | ||
| I saw a fist fight and it was like a white American guy and a Hawaiian guy, like a local Hawaiian guy. | ||
| It was the toughest fight I've ever seen. | ||
| What a mistake. | ||
| Unreal. | ||
| But the white guy was hanging in there. | ||
| I think he knew some moves. | ||
| Yeah, some MMA shit. | ||
| But that Hawaiian guy was just like a local dude and he would not go down. | ||
| The guy was just wailing on him and he wouldn't stop and the cops had to come. | ||
| He's like, my dad beat me worse than this. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| When you live on an island and you talk shit, you can't go anywhere. | ||
| You can't leave. | ||
| You gotta hang out. | ||
| Unless you've been on a fucking plane and fly five hours across the ocean. | ||
| It's a long flight to get out of there. | ||
| Remember that big rock we would climb and jump off? | ||
| It was super high and it was scary as shit. | ||
| And it took me all day to work it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| You jumped? | ||
| Did you jump? | ||
| I eventually jumped, but then these local guys would do like eight triple Lindy's off and I was like, ah, shit. | ||
| And that guy was like four years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was brutal. | |
| I would just snork and watch up onto the water and come down through the water. | ||
| It was so cool. | ||
| Yeah, they'd pick up the fish with their hand. | ||
| They were tough as shit. | ||
| Dude, that's how I felt when we were skiing. | ||
| I'd be up there. | ||
| You were killing it. | ||
| Nervous. | ||
| But then I'd go out and see a group of four-year-olds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were new. | |
| With no poles, just like Christmas stories. | ||
| Yeah, and then there'd be an instructor with... | ||
| The hills I was on, they were always kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In classes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'd be like, oh, fuck, fuck. | ||
| Like, trying so hard. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And then I'd be like, I'd fall and lay there, and then a group of, like, six eight-year-olds would go by. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I was trying to take a video of Shane. | ||
| He's like, no. | ||
| Yeah, definitely don't. | ||
| This needs to go nowhere. | ||
| I'm like, alright. | ||
| Some tall, standing straight up. | ||
| Barry, you've broken a couple things and you still ski. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Wrist? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He shattered my wrist last time I was there with you two times ago. | ||
| You're not trying to raise Burt. | ||
| No, I'm not that good at skiing, but I will go for it. | ||
| He's not that good, but he'll be like, yeah, let's do a Black Diamond in the Rockies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll try jumps. | ||
| I don't know how to do it. | ||
| And he skis in that suit. | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| So you just don't worry about getting hurt? | ||
| You can't, man. | ||
| You gotta have some fun. | ||
| You can't be living like that. | ||
| Well, that's how I lived, and I had a good time, Jason. | ||
| I didn't break anything this time. | ||
| Do a couple little bunny hills, then go get fucked up at the lodge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was great. | |
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| When I shattered my wrist when I was there with Norman, me and Brian O'Neill were like, let's see who can get the higher speed, and I was just straight lining, out of control. | ||
| Yo, how fast were you guys going? | ||
| This is preposterous. | ||
| The surgeon told me I had to be going at least 80. Wow! | ||
| The surgeon? | ||
| Yeah, reconstructed my wrist. | ||
| Wait, you couldn't have been going 80 miles an hour, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty fast, man. | ||
| Dude, I was killing it. | ||
| It was bombing. | ||
| Dude, when I hit that snowboarder, I flew so far before I hit the ground. | ||
| I don't know if I believe 80 is possible on skis. | ||
| Let's guess. | ||
| I bet it is. | ||
| It was probably like 40. No, no, no. | ||
| A speed skier? | ||
| But we were going straight downhill as hard as I could. | ||
| Yeah, if you're going straight in the Rockies. | ||
| What's the fastest speed anybody's ever achieved on skis? | ||
| Let's guess that. | ||
| 130. Really? | ||
| I'm guessing. | ||
| Sonny Bono. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| True. | ||
| One of the Kennedys, too, remember? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I love going through the woods. | ||
| So, let's guess. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| What's the speed? | ||
| I'm going to go 90. 90 sounds good. | ||
| I think they're in the hundreds. | ||
| Those dudes going straight down those... | ||
| The fastest guys. | ||
| The tuck. | ||
| It's like the long drivers in golf where they're hitting 430 and you're like, what? | ||
| That's not possible. | ||
| I'm going to go with 100. Jamie, what's the fastest? | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| 120. Come on now, dude. | ||
| Average. | ||
| It says they get up to 80, but they can go up to 100. Let's see if there's like a... | ||
| That's the record. | ||
| That's what I'm checking. | ||
| It's still wild, dude. | ||
| That's like a slap shot. | ||
| A hundred is so fast. | ||
| That's how fast you go. | ||
| A hundred is so fast. | ||
| That is a pitch. | ||
| And you're not in a shell of a car. | ||
| You're just like open when you fall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is snow, but... | ||
| How do you stop at a hundred? | ||
| Slam into a snowboarder. | ||
| Dude, so my wrist was like really hurt. | ||
| And Ryan was like, you're fine. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| And then I tried to put... | ||
| Later at night, I tried to put the key in the door of the place we were staying. | ||
| And I was like, ow! | ||
| And just switch hands. | ||
| You would, dude. | ||
| You'd be trying to be like, I'm trying to unlock the door. | ||
| Ow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow! | |
| What'd they have to do to your wrist? | ||
| Get in there and complete real surgery, I don't know. | ||
| Screws and shit? | ||
| Bolts? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Is it okay now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Is this you? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| You gotta hand it to Ari, though. | ||
| You hung out the rest of the trip. | ||
| 254! | ||
| Holy! | ||
| It said they got up to 160, 158. That's 160. This is not a race. | ||
| They're literally just going straight downhill. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's gotta feel so fast. | ||
| I have a scooter, and going 30, you feel like you're in light speed. | ||
| And that's 30. Look at this fucking guy go. | ||
| And how long does it take you to stop? | ||
| It's like, damn. | ||
| By the way, there's no other skiers on the slope there, so you don't have anyone to avoid. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Hey, stop pretty quick. | ||
| That was like me, dude. | ||
| That's a girl. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Wow, I take it all back. | ||
| She's a nice Italian lady, dude. | ||
| Well, that makes sense if a girl would be lighter, should go faster. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Someone's crashing. | ||
| Ivan. | ||
| Oh, he crashes? | ||
| Oh, here we go. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| This should be something. | ||
| This is going to be nuts. | ||
| He's just going straight. | ||
| Does he just suck? | ||
| He's pumping, too. | ||
| He's going for it. | ||
| Like, why does he fall? | ||
| His legs are so far apart. | ||
| That wasn't too bad. | ||
| The helmet's gone. | ||
| The helmet came off. | ||
| You're not doing your job. | ||
| It's like a Darth Vader. | ||
| Yeah, why do they have Star Wars helmets? | ||
| Look at those wacky boots they have on, too. | ||
| Look at that slick, slick outfit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| That's one thing they do, the jumps. | ||
| She's done. | ||
| She's fucked. | ||
| Oh, that's a lady. | ||
| She's hurtin' bad. | ||
| Eh, it's a woman. | ||
| That's Ivan. | ||
| I think it's a guy. | ||
| Yeah, dude, that's a dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a tramp. | |
| That's a girl. | ||
| That's a girl, bro. | ||
| Look at her ass. | ||
| It's Leah Thomas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's a dude trying to take over the girl's downslope record. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| 158.424. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the fastest. | |
| You ever ski? | ||
| That's the fastest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Last time I cracked my fucking bone on my shin. | ||
| Some lady... | ||
| I remember you told me, you were like, I'm done, I'm out. | ||
| I was going around this corner and this lady was a beginner and she was out of control and she was like kind of sliding and she couldn't stop and she was just going right into the path and I'm going around the corner and I had to wipe out. | ||
| You can't stop. | ||
| Shane was that lady. | ||
| I had two options. | ||
| I was very cognizant of that. | ||
| I tried my hardest not to be that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You weren't that. | |
| Slam into this lady or I could just go around and I know I was going to wipe out. | ||
| I wiped out and I hit the back of my head hard. | ||
| I got a concussion and I cracked my shin. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Yeah, the top of my shin where the cartilage meets the shin bone, cracked. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| I knew something was wrong because I was walking but I was like, this feels weird. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Were you high or drunk? | ||
| No. | ||
| Totally sober. | ||
| There was one point I was going around that little curvy part on the bunny hills. | ||
| You remember that part? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I was going around that. | ||
| Some 10-year-old kid did a ramp and landed right in front of me. | ||
| I was like, Jesus Christ! | ||
| Dude, I was such an old man. | ||
| It's like a kid jumped out. | ||
| I was like, God fucking damn it! | ||
| And the kid was, I'm sorry, sir! | ||
| He just flew right by me. | ||
| I'm just too aware of the consequences of getting a broken joint. | ||
| The kids are better at that because they're not aware of that. | ||
| I've had too many surgeries. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was saying the whole time. | ||
| I was like, dude, I can't blow out a knee. | ||
| Yeah, I've had two ACLs. | ||
| That shit rules. | ||
| Meniscus. | ||
| Look at you guys. | ||
| Look at the gang, dude. | ||
| That was the beginning of the mustache. | ||
| That's how long this thing's been going. | ||
| It looks better without the bottom. | ||
| The bottom's there, dude. | ||
| That's a full beard. | ||
| But it's not curly. | ||
| Ran Azizi's like, what am I doing here? | ||
| Ran Azizi's rethinking this trip. | ||
| That was a fun time. | ||
| He's wearing jeans, too. | ||
| You guys are all wearing jeans. | ||
| Ian looks like he's wearing a fake nose and glasses. | ||
| We're at the lodge we stayed in. | ||
| So where were you guys at? | ||
| We were in Park City. | ||
| Ah, Park City's nice. | ||
| And we stayed outside Park City. | ||
| I'm trying to plan a full... | ||
| Comedy Ski Festival for next year. | ||
| With JFL maybe. | ||
| Talk to Bert. | ||
| Let him plan it. | ||
| Bert will plan things. | ||
| Good luck with the black. | ||
| Bert's got a whole fucking thing going on now. | ||
| He's got a whole festival. | ||
| Oh, the minor league baseball stadiums? | ||
| Fully loaded. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a festival. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| He showed me the lineup. | ||
| I'm like, this is fantastic. | ||
| He's got Joey Diaz coming back to do it. | ||
| Attell. | ||
| Yeah, Attell. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, he showed me the lineup, he showed me the thing, I'm like, this is amazing. | ||
| It's like Burt constantly comes up with new ideas. | ||
| He's a mogul. | ||
| He's constantly coming up with new ways to make money. | ||
| Yeah, it's gonna be big. | ||
| He's doing the Greek, he's doing baseball stadiums, he's doing arenas, and he's doing these crazy markets that you forget about. | ||
| Yeah, none of us play Greenville, South Carolina. | ||
| No, or Mississippi, or Tennessee. | ||
| We did a rodeo in fucking Abilene. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| A rodeo! | ||
| There's no service in the whole fucking place. | ||
| Who thinks of that? | ||
| That was the first show I did with him. | ||
| I didn't know his crowd at all. | ||
| Oh, they're wild. | ||
| So I got up there and said some inappropriate things. | ||
| They're a little more like... | ||
| I'm a dad! | ||
| Yeah, they're a little more... | ||
| It's a family fun party, but it's still like... | ||
| It overlaps, but... | ||
| Why don't you take it easy on the, like, your sister's doing heroin jokes? | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Like, stuff like that. | ||
| You'd think that'd be relatable. | ||
| They're a little more... | ||
| You ever play for Nate's crowd? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because you're like, yeah, we know Nate as someone who does great on our shows, but his crowd is clean. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And so it's like, I mean, even when you try to clean it up, you're over the line for that. | ||
| Like a Brian Regan type crowd? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
More. | |
| Christian. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Christian. | ||
| His crowd. | ||
| Yeah, they're Christian. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's a lot of Christians. | ||
| He doesn't cater to them. | ||
| He's not like, oh, Lordy, when I first... | ||
| He doesn't do any of that, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| He's not an evangelist. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Lord, have mercy. | ||
| Lordy. | ||
| Praise be! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought I was at Starbucks, the motherfuckers gave me milk. | |
| I said I ain't had milk in public in my goddamn life! | ||
| Praise Jesus! | ||
| It was the hardest two hours of my life. | ||
| Why did you come up with Oh Lordy for Nate Pagazzi? | ||
| He's fanning himself. | ||
| Temperature! | ||
| I do declare! | ||
| I got the vapors! | ||
| Actually, it probably wasn't Burt's crowd necessarily, it was just Abilene, Texas. | ||
| So I was up there like, you know who's pussies? | ||
| Troops. | ||
| And they were all like, fuck this guy! | ||
| God-fearing, military-loving, gun coach. | ||
| It was the first show. | ||
| I just met him, his whole group of dudes. | ||
| And you said the troops were pussies? | ||
| Yeah, and they were like, we like toss a coin or whatever on who goes first. | ||
| I had to open the show. | ||
| Oh, you toss a coin for that? | ||
| Yeah, it was just like, yeah, we'll flip it. | ||
| We'll see who goes every time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you toss the coin around me, I'd get it. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Oh, you'd scramble on the ground. | ||
| Take that coin. | ||
| Mine. | ||
| Way to play into it. | ||
| Do you pick up nickels? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Do you pick up pennies? | ||
| Not if anyone's looking. | ||
| Nickel, please. | ||
| Nickels is enough, huh? | ||
| If people are looking, I won't. | ||
| If my friends are there, I'll do it. | ||
| No, there's no chance. | ||
| That I leave a penny? | ||
| For real, is that true? | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| I throw pennies away. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| If I see them, I'll chuck them. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| That's how well I'm doing. | ||
| I throw pennies out. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| But yeah, fullyloadedfest.com. | ||
| It's going to be huge. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| How many shows are you doing? | ||
| That's Bert's thing. | ||
| I'm doing a couple. | ||
| I'm doing the Greek. | ||
| I'm pretty excited. | ||
| I'll send you this, Jamie. | ||
| Yeah, post that. | ||
| It's going to be nuts. | ||
| The Greek will be really cool. | ||
| It's an iconic place. | ||
| Bert is playing Red Rocks specifically. | ||
| You guys are both doing Red Rocks. | ||
| That is what an iconic place. | ||
| I'll see you there. | ||
| I believe I am. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| He takes his shirt off? | ||
| That's his promo thing? | ||
| South Bend, Indiana, dude. | ||
| Please let me get on this. | ||
| Can't take the Florida out of Florida. | ||
| Oh, that was a good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was at that show. | |
| Oh, I thought that was Red Rocks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the first one was? | |
| Cold beers, sunsets, music, and a ton of surprises. | ||
| Trust me when I say you won't want to miss out. | ||
| This is a Morgan Freeman impersonator? | ||
| So does that guy sue? | ||
| Does Morgan Freeman sue? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Maybe he should. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This summer. | |
| Alright, we got it. | ||
| I sent you an image, Jamie, that'll show all the tour dates that he's got. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Dude, how about the pop when he takes his shirt off? | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| You know how people, comedians will be like, oh, what's he taking his shirt off? | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Fully alerted. | ||
| Look at his fucking shirt's off in the poster. | ||
| Yeah, and he was generous. | ||
| The gut's bigger. | ||
| What are the numbers? | ||
| Yeah, what are the numbers? | ||
| Next to some of the names. | ||
| Tell what they're doing. | ||
| Four? | ||
| There's one. | ||
| There's eight shows and they have... | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| But that's a terrible graphic. | ||
| Who made that graphic? | ||
| That's so confusing. | ||
| Idiot. | ||
| I can't even see it and it's huge. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Louisville, Kentucky. | ||
| What else you got here? | ||
| Who's reading those numbers? | ||
| Brandon, Missouri. | ||
| Yeah, he's going to all the shit holes. | ||
| Lawrenceville, Georgia, Bristol, Tennessee. | ||
| I mean, this is going to be nutty. | ||
| Fine folks, I'm sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good people. | ||
| That's going to be fun, dude. | ||
| They'll probably appreciate the fuck out of the show. | ||
| It's minor league baseball stadiums. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| It's going to be wild, dude. | ||
| I bet it is. | ||
| You know what's nice about the minor league baseball stadiums? | ||
| It's a genius move. | ||
| Yeah, fuck the corporations. | ||
| He's doing it on his own. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The gear you'll get, you'll get the fucking South Bend Twisters. | ||
| And they have cool t-shirts. | ||
| All that shit. | ||
| The Staten Island Bagels was a good one for a while. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| How many seats do you think he's doing in these places? | ||
| A minor league baseball stadium? | ||
| Five, six, seven thousand? | ||
| No, it's probably like... | ||
| Is he filling it up? | ||
| If you do a good minor league baseball stadium, it's probably like fifteen thousand. | ||
| But you can do the seats, too. | ||
| You put like folding chairs on the ground. | ||
| He says he has four hundred thousand to sell. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| How much? | ||
| Four hundred thousand. | ||
| Divided by what? | ||
| Eight? | ||
| Nine. | ||
| Divided by nine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So that's the total. | ||
| I'm not even close to that, Matt. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| I'm so happy he's doing this. | ||
| He's that guy. | ||
| He just figures out. | ||
| As soon as COVID happened, he was like, can't form indoors. | ||
| He goes, I will perform. | ||
| He's the one who got the drive-in movie theater. | ||
| And people shit on him. | ||
| And it worked out. | ||
| And then his agent gave it to fucking everybody else. | ||
| Jesse and I was on my podcast and Eliza claimed that she invented it on the podcast. | ||
| He's like, no, you were given it by Burt's manager. | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like, why are you telling all the other clients to do my shit? | ||
| I gotta stop hating. | ||
| I saw Sebastian at the garden last week. | ||
| It was unbelievable. | ||
| I was never like a... | ||
| Why didn't you stop hating? | ||
| Well, I was always hating. | ||
| Like, who's this guy? | ||
| Where is he coming from? | ||
| What's his thing? | ||
| It's the same thing I was saying. | ||
| Like, with Bert, when he takes his shirt off, as comedians, you're like, oh, please. | ||
| And then you see it live. | ||
| So he gets introed. | ||
| Hardest pop I've ever heard. | ||
| And then he takes his shirt off after the intro, and it's the first hardest pop I've ever heard. | ||
| And dude, I'm sitting up there like, what the fuck? | ||
| People are in the audience like, ah! | ||
| It's an event. | ||
| He's the Jimmy Buffett of comedy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're there to drink, have a good time. | ||
| Yeah, no one's sober, right? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Why would they be sober for that? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's the whole thing. | ||
| It's like you get fucked up, you talk about, and he's, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The machine! | |
| They're going nuts. | ||
| He has to say that. | ||
| And then he hits the machine. | ||
| He's not still doing it, is he? | ||
| Oh, he has to. | ||
| Dude, it's the encore. | ||
| It's in the contract. | ||
| They want to see it. | ||
| At the end, he hits the fucking beginning of it where he's like, so I studied Russian in college. | ||
| And he leads like a subtle, like, yeah, I studied Russian in college. | ||
| And the whole place is like, here it comes! | ||
| That all came out of him telling that story on the podcast. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| The assumption of like, oh, they've seen it already. | ||
| I can't do it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| That story on the podcast and I told him, dude, you gotta do that on stage. | ||
| He's like, really? | ||
| I go, 100%. | ||
| I go, it's a hilarious story. | ||
| You gotta do that story on stage. | ||
| So he starts telling it on stage. | ||
| Murders. | ||
| Now he can't get away from it. | ||
| It's like 10 years ago. | ||
| It's still murders? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's a classic. | ||
| It's Freebird. | ||
| It's Freebird. | ||
| Yeah, it's Freebird. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| What a good way. | ||
| Dude, you wish you had a story where you could be like- But do you? | ||
| Yeah, but like an encore type thing where at the end of a show, you're doing a fucking arena and you're like, alright, hey, it's such an easy walk-off, like kill. | ||
| I shifted on this idea when I was, me and Diaz were doing a gig in St. Louis together a long time ago, and I was out in the crowd while he was on, behind people, like outside. | ||
| And he started in some story, and I forget what it was, but they were like, oh, he's doing the so-and-so story. | ||
| They weren't like, I've seen this. | ||
| They were like, oh, this is awesome. | ||
| He's doing the story, I know. | ||
| Yeah, like when Dice used to do the nursery rhymes. | ||
| They knew the nursery rhymes, but they still got pumped. | ||
| They sang along with him. | ||
| He was doing it at the gardens. | ||
| I opened for him at Rock on the Range. | ||
| Dice? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was, you know, he was fucking with me. | ||
| I go up to him, I'm opening. | ||
| So I was like, hey, how much time do you want me to do? | ||
| He goes, you want a photo? | ||
| And I go, no, no, I just, you know, just let me know how much time and I'll get out of your hair. | ||
| He goes, come here, give me your phone. | ||
| And he takes a photo. | ||
| And at the time I was like, is this guy out of it? | ||
| But he was obviously, you know... | ||
| He's always having fun. | ||
| Dicking me around, yeah. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Good Charlotte, or one of these fucked up bands, was headlining the fest. | ||
| And they saw him in the wings, and they go, get out here! | ||
| And he did the nursery, and the whole arena, 20,000 people did it with him in unison. | ||
| Columbus. | ||
| I got chills. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it's funny. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It's like Stone Cold music. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you see something you remember when you were a kid, it's over. | |
| I went to see David Byrne on Broadway. | ||
| I'm sorry to cut you off. | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| And it was when he did like the, how did we get here? | ||
| I just start fucking crying. | ||
| Bro, this happened to me this past weekend. | ||
| So my buddy... | ||
| There he is. | ||
| My buddy was pumped. | ||
| Lemaire was fired. | ||
| He was like, it's fucking Wrestlemania weekend. | ||
| We were getting fucked up. | ||
| And I was like, shut up about Wrestlemania. | ||
| You're a fucking old virgin. | ||
| And then he was getting pumped about it. | ||
| We started watching YouTube videos of Wrestlemania. | ||
| Instantly I was like, oh shit, I remember that. | ||
| Because I watched it as a kid. | ||
| Nostalgia strong. | ||
| Battle Royal with Mr. T. Bro, then I watched Wrestlemania this weekend. | ||
| You went to it or just watched it? | ||
| No, I just watched it. | ||
| It was on Peacock. | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| Stone Cold came out at the end. | ||
| I almost cried. | ||
| I was sitting with my girlfriend and the music went off and I was literally like... | ||
| It's in there, dude. | ||
| I felt like I was in fifth grade trying to stay awake to watch Monday Night Raw. | ||
| Did your girl mock you? | ||
| No, she was like, wrestling's fun to watch. | ||
| She was happy he got in touch with his emotions. | ||
| She's a keeper. | ||
| He stunners McAfee. | ||
| Is that the fucking punter? | ||
| That's Pat McAfee, dude. | ||
| Pat McAfee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| This guy's incredible, dude. | ||
| McAfee, I heard, killed it. | ||
| McAfee killed it. | ||
| Logan Paul killed it. | ||
| Dude, this was the coolest shit. | ||
| That is so wild. | ||
| Look at the crowd. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| They're all chucking beers at him. | ||
| Oh, he dropped when he's losing his edge. | ||
| No, anytime he drops one, he just lets it go. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what are they doing? | ||
| They're drinking beers together? | ||
| Yeah, they chug his beers. | ||
| Are these real beers, you think? | ||
| Those are his beers. | ||
| Yeah, they're his beers. | ||
| He has his own beer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What kind of beer is it? | ||
| Stone Cold beer? | ||
| Damn, like a Rappaport. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's the starter, dude. | |
| Oh, the starter! | ||
| Oh, good for them! | ||
| You could have been killed. | ||
| And you know what's fun about wrestling? | ||
| The coolest thing, and I was thinking about it, is... | ||
| You look at the crowd, it is diverse, which is the funniest thing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's the craziest part. | ||
| You watch it. | ||
| Are there any PhDs? | ||
| Are there any scholars? | ||
| Are there any academics? | ||
| I'm sure there are. | ||
| Yeah, because you have the idea that it's all rednecks, but it's like, no, no, Dan Soder loves wrestling. | ||
| Michael Che loves wrestling. | ||
| Pinchcliffe's a giant wrestling. | ||
| Ron Funches does pro wrestling. | ||
| There's a steady stream of dudes without dads that love it. | ||
| If you don't have a dad growing up, you're raised by dudes being like, you better fucking study. | ||
| Wow, I never thought of that. | ||
| Oh yeah, they were raised by it. | ||
| You need a male role model. | ||
| Oh shit, that's it. | ||
| And they're the most male role. | ||
| They're perfect, dude. | ||
| They're so masculine. | ||
| Yeah, super masculine. | ||
| They wear costumes. | ||
| And they always defend a woman that's always like a through line. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're on steroids. | ||
| They die. | ||
| I got into a fight with Piper one time. | ||
| Roddy Piper? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| We staged a fight at the improv. | ||
| I dishonored the reputation of a young porn star. | ||
| And I was like, that's embarrassing. | ||
| And he comes busting out of the room. | ||
| He's like, you take that back. | ||
| And I'm like, or what, bitch? | ||
| And he's like, he taught me how to slap him. | ||
| He's like, slap me in the face. | ||
| I'm like, I won't. | ||
| This is it right here? | ||
| What? | ||
| Give me the first Will Smith. | ||
| From the beginning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
From the beginning. | |
| Look at pre-conspiracy theory Tripoli Is that Danny DeArma? | ||
| I think it's Dana DiArma. | ||
| Oh, she was fun. | ||
| She's a fun girl. | ||
| She's always hanging around me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's cool. | |
| Very cool. | ||
| I'm sure she was cool as hell. | ||
| Dated Yusuf for a while. | ||
| Yeah, I was jealous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is wrong with you, you little dick motherfucker? | |
| Whoa! | ||
| That's a dream right there. | ||
| Did you say one thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| You saved your fucking match. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Roll game! | ||
| Roll game! | ||
| - Hey, did I see what he did? | ||
| - Ha ha ha ha! - He slapped that. | ||
| - Oh, this is great! | ||
| Oh, this is hilarious. | ||
| Good for you, Ari. | ||
| Damn, that's awful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He played the piano with my head. | |
| This is a hate crime. | ||
| Oh, this is hilarious. | ||
| This is not happening. | ||
| He's humping you from behind. | ||
| He's going to pull his dick out of it. | ||
| He's going to beat you with his belt. | ||
| How bad did that hurt? | ||
| Those ain't hurt. | ||
| This is what he taught me. | ||
| He goes, hey, you gotta flail your arms if I'm hitting you, because if you don't, it won't look real, and if you don't, I have to hurt you. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dude, because I've been talking about wrestling and all that, my algorithm now is starting to get into wrestling. | ||
| Look, last thing I need is to get into wrestling. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What, are you thinking about getting into wrestling? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| But it is fun to watch, dude. | ||
| It's fun to watch. | ||
| Then why wouldn't you get into it? | ||
| I know where this path leads, dude. | ||
| I've seen the dudes into wrestling. | ||
| Where's the lead? | ||
| You could maybe break the mold. | ||
| No, he's the mold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have the mold. | |
| If you got into astrology, you would break the mold. | ||
| I can't imagine something that I like that I don't get into. | ||
| Well, no, I don't... | ||
| Look, I don't... | ||
| Anyway, there's a video on Twitter where you see the dudes actually like... | ||
| Because it's improvised. | ||
| You don't know that. | ||
| In the ring, it's improvised. | ||
| No, I think it's pretty choreographed. | ||
| No, they improvise. | ||
| Yeah, they know who's going to win and what's going to happen, but they improvise on the spot. | ||
| They'll be grappling, and somebody made a video of them, what they say to each other, and they're like, Throw me in the turnbuckle elbow. | ||
| And they do it just like that. | ||
| And they know all the moves, so they say it. | ||
| They're like, suplex. | ||
| And the guy will just do it on the spot. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| That is impressive. | ||
| What a fucking punishment their bodies take. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Dude, I was backstage with Colt Cabana in Edinburgh. | ||
| They used to do it every once a week in Edinburgh. | ||
| They would do a show. | ||
| And, um... | ||
| Some guy came out and got in the way of a two-on-two, and then I'm backstage and everyone's like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| We had a six-week fucking thing planned, and you fucking ruined it! | ||
| And we're all just like, what is this? | ||
| They have all these long-term storylines they set up. | ||
| The guy ruined the storyline? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he was like, I was just, I thought I could just, he's like, yeah, you thought! | |
| That's your fucking problem! | ||
| You think we needed your fucking help? | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was so cool to be backstage in that. | ||
| The wild thing is to watch them, like, they'll put a guy through a table or off the fucking thing, and the second they land, the guy goes, are you alright? | ||
| And the guy's either like, yeah, bro, or, like, sometimes they're like, no. | ||
| Like, I just got fucked up, and they're like, we gotta finish this. | ||
| There's one video with, like, The Undertaker and some guy, and he was like, are you okay? | ||
| And the guy's like, no, but you gotta do the Tombstone. | ||
| Like, he says it. | ||
| So the guy's fucked up, he probably broke his ribs or his knee. | ||
| What a pro. | ||
| And he's like, you gotta do the Tombstone, even though I'm fucked up, so he picks him up. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Dude, I had, when we had The Undertaker on, he talked about his eyeballs getting shattered. | ||
| What? | ||
| His orbital got shattered. | ||
| He had to get it replaced twice. | ||
| Two different orbitals. | ||
| One of them, a guy does this thing where he falls back and, like, lands with his ass on his face, and it shattered his orbital. | ||
| So he had to get, like, mesh put in there. | ||
| He couldn't move his eye. | ||
| And he had to complete the fucking wrestling match. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| Wow. | ||
| I was in Montreal doing my storytelling show, and either the big show or Mankind, one of those guys who does stand-up sometimes now. | ||
| Mankind. | ||
| Mankind. | ||
| And he finished, just a fun story, you know, and then I was like, anyone who thinks wrestling is fake, watch this guy take these two steps down the stage. | ||
| And it was so... | ||
| Yo. | ||
| Mankind was like the guy. | ||
| Like, he got fucked up. | ||
| Foley, too. | ||
| It was another one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Foley. | |
| It was Foley. | ||
| Yeah, it's Mick Foley. | ||
| That's Mankind. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| I was in... | ||
| I mean, that's Dude Love, Cactus Jack. | ||
| I was in Toronto and I was doing that weed show. | ||
| Remember that weed show that was downstairs? | ||
| Do you guys ever do the Comedy Underground in Toronto? | ||
| It's done now, I think. | ||
| It's done? | ||
| It was a weed show. | ||
| You go there, everybody was smoking weed. | ||
| There was no air in the room. | ||
| It was all just weed. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| People would pass out once every three shows from greening out. | ||
| I did a weed show. | ||
| There was so much weed. | ||
| What did you say it was? | ||
| Toronto. | ||
| Yeah, I did a Wii show in Toronto. | ||
| It was in the back of a bong show. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Bong shop. | ||
| I just did it. | ||
| Did you go to the bong shop? | ||
| Two years ago. | ||
| It's a different room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| There's a few rooms, but this was the best one. | ||
| So anyway, Iron Sheik was in the crowd by some stranger. | ||
| So he walks up on stage with me and starts talking to me while I'm on. | ||
| Oh, here we go. | ||
| Talking shit? | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's it. | ||
| He had to walk with a cane, man. | ||
| He was really fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He likes comedy. | ||
| He's done some roasts, I think. | ||
| Joe looks a little retarded there. | ||
| No, I look fine. | ||
| Anytime you're around a wrestler, it actually brings it out. | ||
| Anytime you see a wrestler you're like... | ||
| What is he saying? | ||
| Nice to meet you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
UFC and MNL. | |
| They are toughest, toughest in the region, wrestling and fighting. | ||
| But I want to ask Joe, Rogan, what is the toughest sport in the Olympics? | ||
| Freestyle, Greco-Roman, or UFC? The toughest sport in the Olympics is freestyle wrestling, sir. | ||
| Absolutely! | ||
| Because he knows what he's talking and he knows how to watch it! | ||
| Anyway, Is he still alive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's tweeting. | ||
| He's tweeting. | ||
| His tweets are fucking hilarious. | ||
| He was crazy. | ||
| Did he wrestle? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Iron Sheik? | ||
| With Iran or something. | ||
| Oh yeah, he was a legit Amateur wrestler. | ||
| He played... | ||
| Oh, that kind of wrestling. | ||
| Yeah, real wrestling. | ||
| He didn't just do that. | ||
| He used to do those shield casts with those giant clubs. | ||
| You know those workout clubs? | ||
| The Iranian ones are these big, giant, wooden clubs that are heavy as fuck. | ||
| And he would do these workouts that are really hard to do. | ||
| These giant clubs. | ||
| So he was a legit guy. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Gable? | ||
| Look at these clubs. | ||
| This is his thing. | ||
| Other guys couldn't do it. | ||
| They would try to do his clubs, and this was part of the gag. | ||
| The Iron Sheik would go, try to do my clubs. | ||
| It's so funny because he's actually Jewish. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Yeah, he's a Persian Jew. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| And he calls himself Iranian. | ||
| No one is in showbiz. | ||
| Look, he's got the curly tips of the toes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So this is Precious Paul trying to do the Iron Sheik's clubs. | ||
| Is that Logan Paul's dad? | ||
| He's pulling it off. | ||
| He's pretty fucking jacked. | ||
| Jesus Christ, he's jacked. | ||
| He works out. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| When the Iron Sheik does it, watch how effortlessly he moves these giant ass fucking clubs. | ||
| The guy was, in his prime, he was a tank of a man. | ||
| Like a real legit, look, he wipes them all down and shit. | ||
| So he's doing the circles. | ||
| That's the shield cast. | ||
| The other guy was just going up and back. | ||
| Good podcast name. | ||
| That is so hard to do with things as heavy as that. | ||
| The crowd's my favorite, dude. | ||
| Look at the lady that looks exactly like me. | ||
| The old lady with the glasses next to the cowboy hat. | ||
| Look at the old lady with the glasses next to the guy with the cowboy hat. | ||
| There's Hinchcliffe on the left. | ||
| I'm waiting for something fun to happen. | ||
| Right now, this isn't fun. | ||
| He's just working out. | ||
| That's really hard. | ||
| A lot of women there. | ||
| A lot of women, you're right. | ||
| So he's just loosely put. | ||
| Doing it longer? | ||
| Look at the guy with the fucking right next to his left shoulder that looks like a young Howard Stern. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's weird. | |
| Precious Paul's just trying to figure out how long can he do that. | ||
| Black people. | ||
| Black people. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| All over, dude. | ||
| Black people love wrestling, too. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| This is the early 80s. | ||
| See how Precious Paul's doing it? | ||
| That's a bullshit way to do it. | ||
| He doesn't have the role. | ||
| And then they wrestle afterwards? | ||
| Is that what happens? | ||
| How much weight is that, you think? | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| That's what the fun part about wrestling is. | ||
| He's like, oh, you motherfucker. | ||
| Of course he was going to do that. | ||
| Of course he was going to do that. | ||
| So he was a Persian Jew? | ||
| Persian Jew. | ||
| Well, that's from Iran. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of Persia's. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| He just played a role. | ||
| That's what Persia is. | ||
| How was Logan Paul as a wrestler? | ||
| Dude, it was so good. | ||
| I'm sure he's great. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| He's gonna be a wrestler. | ||
| Oh, he should be. | ||
| He's a star. | ||
| He's a star. | ||
| Yeah, he's a star. | ||
| His podcast is actually really good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Really? | ||
| The Dana White episode. | ||
| Are you trying to get on it or something? | ||
| Well, no, the Dana White episode. | ||
| I listened to the whole thing. | ||
| I listened to a clip. | ||
| He had Dana on? | ||
| Yeah, and it's great. | ||
| It's an amazing pod episode. | ||
| Give it a listen. | ||
| He's done a lot of shit, man. | ||
| I mean, you gotta give the guys props. | ||
| He's not lazy. | ||
| He fought Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match. | ||
| I don't care if he's 50 pounds heavier than Floyd Mayweather. | ||
| It's still Floyd fucking Mayweather. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| He was doing splits and shit. | ||
| That was pretty impressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Oh, Lucha Libre. | ||
| Damn, he's a fucking athlete. | ||
| Look at that flexibility. | ||
| Yeah, he was... | ||
| Is that a real Lucha Libre thing? | ||
| Or is that just in WrestleMania? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Is that like in Mexico? | ||
| I had no idea he was that flexible. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, good for him. | ||
| You ever see D'Elia make up with him? | ||
| Make up? | ||
| Yeah, because him and D'Elia used to go at it, and he's like, hey, whatever I said before, the guy's a star, forget it. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I was wrong. | ||
| Wow, what did D'Elia used to say about him? | ||
| He used to just be like, fuck this idiot, fuck this kid who's like an influencer. | ||
| Yeah, that was easy to do, though. | ||
| I was wrong, this guy's awesome. | ||
| Him and his brother are fucking animals. | ||
| I mean, what they've been able to do is incredible. | ||
| His brother knocked out Tyron Woodley. | ||
| Hard. | ||
| Do you understand that? | ||
| With one punch. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He knocked out one of the greatest... | ||
| He was like a vicious striker. | ||
| He's not a wrestler. | ||
| He's a striker. | ||
| Well, he was a wrestler. | ||
| He just had a lot of power. | ||
| But the fact that he knocked out one of the greatest welterweight champions of all time with one punch is fucking bonkers. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Oh, I did see that. | ||
| Okay, Jake. | ||
| That sucks being sponsored by Dude Wipes. | ||
| Come the fuck on. | ||
| When you get knocked out, all of a sudden the sponsors are kind of embarrassing, and you're showing that sponsorship. | ||
| Dude Wipes. | ||
| He's like, couldn't you fall backwards? | ||
| Faceplant with Dude Wipes in your butt. | ||
| See, he's got the power out of the two of them. | ||
| He's got the power. | ||
| Logan is a really good athlete, but he's not as good of a boxer. | ||
| But Jake Paul, on top of being a better boxer, he's got legit power. | ||
| He sleeps people. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Ooh, he dropped that lift. | ||
| Bro, that is faceplant. | ||
| That's out cold. | ||
| And that's Tyron Woodley. | ||
| That's like one of the greatest welterweight champions ever. | ||
| He didn't even seem surprised he did it. | ||
| He walked away like, that's what I was going for. | ||
| Great wide hope. | ||
| Ooh, he lifted wide open. | ||
| Joe, what did he do there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go block the stomach? | |
| He thought he was going to the body. | ||
| Yeah, he thought he was going to the body. | ||
| And he thought he was going to drop his hand down to stop the body shot. | ||
| Because I think he probably went to the body just before that. | ||
| He set him up. | ||
| So he even dips like he's gonna hit the body and then he goes over the top. | ||
| See how he did that? | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| So he dipped like he was ripping to the body. | ||
| How do you protect that otherwise? | ||
| Drop the right to protect? | ||
| You gotta get the fuck out of there. | ||
| Get the fuck out of there and put your hands up. | ||
| The thing is like Tyron was not conditioned for this fight because he took it on fairly short notice. | ||
| It wasn't that much. | ||
| He was supposed to fight someone else. | ||
| Who was he supposed to fight? | ||
| Tommy Fury, and then he backed out. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Something happened to Tommy Fury. | ||
| He had to get out. | ||
| And then Tyron took it on just a few weeks notice. | ||
| And there's no way he was conditioned for that fight. | ||
| So when you're not fully camp-conditioned, you take breaks. | ||
| When you're in the fight, there's times where maybe you should move, and you go, I'm just going to take a fucking break here. | ||
| And you're trying to gather up your energy, and you manage it over the course of the three minutes. | ||
| You can't just go out. | ||
| If you see a fighter like Manny Pacquiao, when he's in his prime, And he's fucking supremely conditioned. | ||
| There's no thought about conserving energy. | ||
| Man, he's just thinking about how to fuck you up. | ||
| He's just thinking about how to fuck you up because his conditioning is off the charts. | ||
| I mean, he's not sprinting. | ||
| He's conserving some energy, but that's not his primary concern. | ||
| His primary concern is just hitting you. | ||
| When a guy gets to a point where You know, most likely he's not training every day hard when he doesn't have a fight schedule. | ||
| Then he gets a fight schedule and it's only two weeks notice. | ||
| You can kind of get in shape in two weeks, but not like the kind of shape you need to be able to fight in. | ||
| So he was taking a break. | ||
| Because he also must have thought, like, it's not. | ||
| An MMA guy. | ||
| It's appalled. | ||
| He already fought him. | ||
| He fought him and lost. | ||
| But there were moments in that first fight where when Tyron would turn it on, he was the better fighter. | ||
| It would have been a different fight if Tyron had the time to prepare. | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| Because he would have more conditioning, more confidence to hit the gas. | ||
| If you don't have a full camp, you still are in shape. | ||
| You're a fucking professional athlete. | ||
| He's still a fucking stud of a man. | ||
| But he doesn't have the kind of conditioning that you need to go a hard fight. | ||
| You condition your body. | ||
| Three minutes hard work, one minute rest. | ||
| Three minutes hard work, one minute rest. | ||
| World work, plyometrics. | ||
| You get conditioned. | ||
| There's no way he was conditioned for that fight. | ||
| But that's part of their attack, is I think people underestimate. | ||
| And that's how they kind of get an edge on it. | ||
| Everybody, the wrestler guy, the real wrestler, whatever his name was, who got knocked out. | ||
| Askren? | ||
| Askren. | ||
| All these guys are like, whatever, you're nothing. | ||
| And it's like, guys are actually working hard. | ||
| I actually think Askren didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, he looked doughy. | ||
| Listen, Askren had a hip replacement. | ||
| He took the fight after a hip replacement. | ||
| And not that long after a hip replacement. | ||
| There's no way he was in shape for that fight. | ||
| He got paid! | ||
| He lost and he was like, so? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Smart guy. | ||
| Askren is a very smart guy. | ||
| Askren's awesome. | ||
| And he's funny. | ||
| Very smart guy. | ||
| Yeah, he is funny. | ||
| Does Tyron really make more in those two fights than his whole UFC career? | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's what he said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's what he said. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what the number is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| See, I like those, Paul, because it's kind of like the YouTube comics. | ||
| He offered Chris Rock and Will Smith $40 million. | ||
| Who did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Paul? | |
| Jake Paul did. | ||
| Chris Rock's like, I don't care about Will Smith. | ||
| Well, even if he did, Chris Rock is very small. | ||
| It's not fair. | ||
| The difference is like 60 pounds. | ||
| He never trained to play the greatest boxer of all time. | ||
| Right! | ||
| Put up Will Smith as Muhammad Ali. | ||
| Dude, Will Smith is a fucking athlete. | ||
| When he was playing Muhammad Ali, it was one of those rare moments. | ||
| There's like a few guys that have pulled it off. | ||
| Daniel Day-Lewis did it great in the boxer. | ||
| Mark Wahlberg did it great in the fighter when he played Mickey Ward. | ||
| He did a fantastic job. | ||
| But show the video of him moving around. | ||
| Because there's video from the fight. | ||
| And he was fucking good, man. | ||
| That's crazy, that picture of him taking the robe off. | ||
| Literally, he got like the kind of still baby fat, but jacked. | ||
| Like Ali. | ||
| Exactly like Ali. | ||
| Dude, he did a fantastic job as Ali. | ||
| And that's him against Sonny Liston. | ||
| Good cinematography. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he's a good athlete, man. | ||
| I think it's a Michael Mann. | ||
| That's why this is so not fair. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| To have a boxing match between this man and Chris Rock is crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jake Paul. | ||
| Look at Howard Cosell with his terrible wig. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's got to be him fighting Sonny Liston, right? | ||
| That must be him. | ||
| Ali fucking ruled. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, he was amazing. | ||
| That was one thing Kanye said. | ||
| Kanye in his documentary was like, where are all the Muhammad Ali's? | ||
| Where's like the fun guys? | ||
| Like the cocky guys? | ||
| They're kind of done. | ||
| Hey man, it's hard to make a guy like that. | ||
| Do you know how fucking hard it is to be a guy like that and also be brilliant? | ||
| Who's the right wing guy in MMA? Colby. | ||
| Colby Covington. | ||
| He's doing it well. | ||
| He talks a lot of shit. | ||
| He talks a lot of shit. | ||
| But he's a good fighter. | ||
| He's fun. | ||
| He promotes a fight well. | ||
| He's fucking elite. | ||
| He's not just a good fighter. | ||
| If it wasn't for Kamaru Usman, he'd probably be the welterweight champ of the world. | ||
| Kamaru Usman is just so fucking good. | ||
| He's, in my mind, he's the GOAT. When you look at welterweight champions, yeah, it's like Georges St-Pierre and there's Kamaru Usman. | ||
| I feel like the way Usman dispatches people... | ||
| Man, it's hard to argue that there's someone who you would give an advantage over him. | ||
| Like, if George and him fought in their prime, God, what a fight that would be. | ||
| What a fight that would be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I had a bet, who knows who I'd bet on. | ||
| It might be Usman, though. | ||
| He might be the most likable fighter, though. | ||
| Listen to him talk, St. Pierre. | ||
| Oh, he's amazing. | ||
| He's just so cute and nerdy and nice. | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| Usman's very likable. | ||
| Dude, he came on... | ||
| GSP came on the bonfire. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he really? | |
| He was in Sirius, and he just came in, and I happened to be on that episode. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| I was like, George, I'll fuck you up. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I was like, dude, don't make me fuck you up. | ||
| And he was like, who is this guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| It was just that. | ||
| His accent's great. | ||
| Instead of talking about me, talk about dinosaurs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He loves dinosaurs. | |
| If you said that to any other UFC fighter, they'd be like, fuck you, puss. | ||
| He was just like, boy, this guy is funny. | ||
| And he hates fighting, apparently. | ||
| He's like, I don't like doing it. | ||
| It bothers me. | ||
| He's so intelligent and so friendly. | ||
| He's like, you would never believe that he's one of the greatest fighters who's ever walked to face the earth. | ||
| That video of you showing him whatever kick, and then he's like, interesting. | ||
| And then the next fight, he breaks it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've worked with him a couple times on that. | ||
| That was like my signature move in my Taekwondo days, was the turning sidekick. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then the fact that he was like, nope, I get it. | ||
| I don't care who's telling me. | ||
| That's a cool move. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| Well, that was the fun conversation. | ||
| It was such a silly conversation. | ||
| I was talking to John Donaher, and John Donaher pulls me aside. | ||
| He goes, I want to work with George on his spinning back kick technique. | ||
| Do you know anybody who could help me with that? | ||
| And I said, this is going to sound crazy. | ||
| I know how this sounds. | ||
| I go, but I have one of the best spinning back kicks you've ever seen. | ||
| I go, I know that sounds so crazy. | ||
| I know that sounds so dumb. | ||
| I'm a comedian. | ||
| I'm telling you this, but it's true. | ||
| And so I think John already knew that, though, before he asked me that question. | ||
| I think it was a set up. | ||
| Can we see it? | ||
| Yeah, there's a video of it. | ||
| There's a video of me showing George. | ||
| And we were at this sweaty fucking gym called Legends. | ||
| That was the problem. | ||
| While I was showing it to him, the whole floor was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bomb Squad? | |
| It was after the Bomb Squad. | ||
| After Bomb Squad. | ||
| Then we went to Legends. | ||
| That was on the East Side. | ||
| So this is me and George. | ||
| Upstairs, right? | ||
| What year? | ||
| Boy, 2011. How about you? | ||
| No, it wasn't 2011, was it? | ||
| Is that when it was uploaded? | ||
| Oh, it's on my channel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it must be 2011. Four million views here. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So George gets his phone out because he wants to film it. | ||
| I think it's probably happened before that. | ||
| He's smiling. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Before that. | ||
| No, I already did it, Jamie. | ||
| Go to the beginning. | ||
| Ari's got a small bladder. | ||
| No, it's in the beginning. | ||
| I know the video. | ||
| I haven't gone yet. | ||
| So if you show the beginning, it's when he first sees me do it. | ||
| Yeah, so this is it. | ||
| You know what else is cool about St. Pierre is he's a complete product of bullying. | ||
| He was bullied and he just made him a badass. | ||
| Do you know he met his bully one day out in the street when he was driving his Range Rover? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| And his bully was walking on the street. | ||
| This is my worst nightmare. | ||
| And he talked to the guy and he forgave him and just talked to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good for him. | |
| Yeah, I think he even helped him out and gave him some money. | ||
| Wow, that's the ultimate win. | ||
| Destitute. | ||
| Yeah, no, it is the ultimate win. | ||
| Well, it's like anybody who's like that is mean most of the time. | ||
| Yeah, and they're fucked up. | ||
| Someone fucked them up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's that old hurt people hurt people. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's all internal. | ||
| It's something they're going through shit. | ||
| Listen, man, if it wasn't for bullies, I never would have done martial arts either. | ||
| I got into martial arts because I was terrified. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I didn't have any friends. | ||
| I was always moving around, and I was little. | ||
| And so all these guys would fuck with me. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is a problem. | ||
| I've got to learn how to fight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's why I like comedy. | ||
| You'd get out of fighting getting beat up by telling jokes and shit. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Most of the time, but it's always good to be able to touch yourself. | ||
| The worst is telling a joke and then getting punched in the face. | ||
| That was me. | ||
| I was a little worried that it was going to be open season on people smacking people after that. | ||
| There were so many people that were supporting Will Smith. | ||
| I wasn't worried at all. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, I mean... | ||
| Big guy. | ||
| Yeah, but also like... | ||
| No, I don't think it's... | ||
| Because he's so hated now. | ||
| He's like a joke. | ||
| So I think anybody's scared of doing that. | ||
| But he's not hated universally. | ||
| This is one of the things that I've found about this whole Will Smith-Chris Rock thing that's so strange. | ||
| It seems like no matter what happens, there's going to be a certain group of people that side with the... | ||
| But that's anything. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| People think 9-11 was good, some people. | ||
| Some people do, yeah. | ||
| That is the thing. | ||
| There's so many people that have an opinion. | ||
| No Jews in the building. | ||
| There's so many people that have an opinion that anytime something happens, you're going to find some hot take that makes you want to vomit. | ||
| There's a lot of people that were supporting Will Smith. | ||
| Don't talk about a man's wife. | ||
| I'm like, don't talk about a man's wife? | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| A joke about G.I. Jane? | ||
| A movie where you got a really hot lady, Demi Moore, who's one of the baddest women that's ever been a star of a movie? | ||
| She becomes a fucking Navy SEAL? There's nothing negative about that. | ||
| And you can see some nip in the movie cover. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, but it's like, there's nothing negative about G.I. Jane. | |
| G.I. Jane was a badass movie. | ||
| She tells the guy to suck her dick, remember that? | ||
| Right, that was hot. | ||
| And that's enough to cause violence? | ||
| It's like comparing a man to Rambo. | ||
| Settle down Rambo. | ||
| How dare you call me jacked and awesome. | ||
| You see a handsome guy with a great body and a long flowing lock of hair. | ||
| Damn Rambo rules. | ||
| Can you pull up the G.I. Jane movie poster? | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Nip! | ||
| I told you! | ||
| Two thumbs up! | ||
| To me more. | ||
| Failure's not an option. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| You know how many lesbians rubbed one out to that? | ||
| What a dumb thing to get upset about. | ||
| What a fucking moron. | ||
| It's a great movie! | ||
| Total moron. | ||
| It's a movie where she's a hero. | ||
| She's a beast. | ||
| She's looking to get upset. | ||
| I mean, 100%. | ||
| Well, let's be honest, though. | ||
| It's an old reference. | ||
| She got it. | ||
| Dude, they for sure had a discussion. | ||
| Before that show. | ||
| They for sure did. | ||
| They made a TikTok? | ||
| Whoever the writer was, he was like, I wrote that joke. | ||
| Did you see the TikTok? | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I heard it was a guy from Philadelphia. | ||
| Who wrote that? | ||
| Yeah, somebody at the stand told me, like, hey, my buddy said I wrote that joke for him. | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
| He tweeted it. | ||
| It's not a great joke. | ||
| It's not the best show. | ||
| I couldn't believe you said it. | ||
| But it's like, when you watch him laughing at it, and then her giving him the look, and then he goes up on the stage, like, and you know there was a TikTok? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, right? | |
| Did you know there was a TikTok of the two of them before the Oscars talking about how they were going to cause chaos? | ||
| No. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Easy, JoJo. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| No. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| Let's go back to the Klan talk. | ||
| I think the reason why he did that when he went up there so quickly and so irrationally, I think this was something they discussed. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Chris, or Will, rather, and Jada. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because he was, I mean, he was obviously laughing. | ||
| Will Smith and choose chaos. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Play. | |
| Oh, the video says... | ||
| I don't know if they actually... | ||
| It was posted in words, I think, on his Instagram account. | ||
| I don't know if the... | ||
| No, it was a TikTok, and it said that they were going to start chaos. | ||
| Wait, what was that though? | ||
| Ricky Gervais says he... | ||
| I would not have made fun of her hair? | ||
| He goes, I would have joked about her boyfriend. | ||
| That's a better joke. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I didn't read the rest. | ||
| He went viral after this. | ||
| He didn't even do anything. | ||
| Hold up, scroll back up. | ||
| Will Smith brags about causing chaos at the Oscars just hours before slapping Chris Rock over his Jada Pinkett joke. | ||
| Yeah, they literally discussed that. | ||
| They're going through a lot, obviously. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's going through a lot, dude. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He's fucked up. | ||
| He's fucked up. | ||
| And that's fine. | ||
| It's a nothing joke. | ||
| But you can't hit people when you're fucked up. | ||
| Even if it was, you don't do that. | ||
| God all dressed up to choose chaos. | ||
| Was he running for Legion of Skanks president? | ||
| We won. | ||
| We did win. | ||
| We did win. | ||
| Late slide. | ||
| Late slide victory. | ||
| Abdicated out of thrones. | ||
| If she made him do that, if like she said, if someone talks shit about me, you're going to walk up on that stage, you're going to smack him right in the face. | ||
| Whoever it may be. | ||
| Oh, I wish it was Schumer. | ||
| How fun would that have been? | ||
| That would have been another story. | ||
| It's taking a month off. | ||
| What a loser! | ||
| Man, we made it three hours before we got a Trump. | ||
| Hey, there you go. | ||
| I was doing all the fucking hey-hays. | ||
| I was doing all your fucking act. | ||
| Hey, Donald, what do you think of that dumb mustache on Shane? | ||
| Still in my act. | ||
| The mustache is very good. | ||
| A lot of people say it's handsome. | ||
| Most people say it's handsome. | ||
| Did you know right away you could do his voice? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you practice it? | ||
| No, it got better. | ||
| It gets better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's voices I hear and I go, I can't do that one. | ||
| That one's outside of my realm. | ||
| Yeah, I can't do a lot of voices. | ||
| I can't do any voices. | ||
| I can't either. | ||
| Do me. | ||
| Damn, do me. | ||
| Cues are gross. | ||
| You guys are fucking idiots. | ||
| No, the only thing I can do is I can probably get you a yell. | ||
| When you start yelling... | ||
| I get high pitched. | ||
| Yeah, when you start screaming, that might be easy. | ||
| That's the only Trump I can do, is his yell. | ||
| Like, his rally. | ||
| No, no, no, you do a great Trump. | ||
| No, but his rally voice is easy. | ||
| When he's doing the rally, he's like, that's what I said, I said it. | ||
| And then he, like, steps away. | ||
| But his speeches, when he's, like, doing, like, he's got the... | ||
| Oh yeah, he does. | ||
| He always inhales. | ||
| He sucks in through his teeth. | ||
| Oh yeah, he always just breathes through his lower teeth. | ||
| Yeah, his lower teeth are a big part of it. | ||
| Do you study the little details of it before trying that? | ||
| No, I think any time I see somebody talk, I can pick up their mannerisms. | ||
| I think that's normal. | ||
| Did you see the thing that he did? | ||
| We were talking about it last night. | ||
| There was a guy in the audience. | ||
| He goes, where's my gays for Trump? | ||
| Where's my gays for Trump? | ||
| And the guy's out there and he goes, you don't look gay. | ||
| It's a black guy with a cowboy hat off. | ||
| How good is that? | ||
| It is fucking amazing. | ||
| And then just the camera going back to the dudes filming it being like, what'd he say? | ||
| And the other guy's like, just the other dude being like, dude, he said you don't look gay. | ||
| DiStefano put a picture up or a video of him watching this on his Instagram. | ||
| He goes, how's this guy not president? | ||
| How is he not president? | ||
| Well, he stopped the steal. | ||
| He might be. | ||
| Do you think he's going to win again? | ||
| You get a couple Texas Bud Lights, dude. | ||
| If he runs out against Biden, he'll win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you very much. | |
| Where's gays for Trump? | ||
| You don't look gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, you don't look gay. - Okay. | |
| You don't look good. | ||
| You don't look good. | ||
| Did you see the video of him going about the environment? | ||
| Did you see the video about the environment? | ||
| When he goes, uh, you saw it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When he just curses and- The ocean's gonna rise one millionth of one percent over the next five hundred fucking years. | ||
| The chick behind him was like, yeah, that's what we like! | ||
| He kills! | ||
| Yeah, he kills. | ||
| He does well. | ||
| He's got some great fucking lines. | ||
| And also, I mean, if you can... | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| I'm not going to get fucked up and start being like, the guy's making some good voice. | ||
| Remember how good shit was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He should be a social media figure. | |
| He should be just complaining about everything and have someone who actually knows how to have a show. | ||
| But something's going on. | ||
| I mean, fighting on flights is up like 20,000%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's an article in The Atlantic I saw, like, what's wrong with everybody now? | ||
| Everything is up. | ||
| Social media. | ||
| It might be social media, but it's also, it's also, it's also, fucking, the economy is, there's inflation right now. | ||
| Airlines stink. | ||
| I think it's lack of interaction. | ||
| We're social beings. | ||
| I think we're not being social. | ||
| They're two years off of being around people. | ||
| Everybody was supposed to come together. | ||
| We did a podcast right at the beginning of COVID. We're like, well, this will end all the fucking gender pronouns. | ||
| Nothing matters compared to this. | ||
| And then within two minutes, everyone was like, nah, let's start fighting again. | ||
| You know how before COVID, everyone was like, this country needs a war. | ||
| We need something real to happen. | ||
| So everyone shuts the fuck up. | ||
| COVID, when that happened, you guys were probably like, oh, this is something real. | ||
| This is gonna fuck everybody up. | ||
| It's like, nothing. | ||
| We just sat and watched Netflix. | ||
| Yeah, but it destroyed the economy. | ||
| It destroyed people's livelihoods. | ||
| It destroyed work environments and social environments and hobbies and all these certain things that people want to do. | ||
| So the amount of people that are unhappy in comparison to the amount of people whose lives were going well in 2019 before it went back, it's probably in the millions. | ||
| Yeah, Mark Q is out of anybody's throat. | ||
| He's doing great. | ||
| The stack of unhappy people, and the people who this really fucked their life up, it's just changed the tone of the country. | ||
| The whole country feels different. | ||
| Also, everybody was at home, so they were online even more. | ||
| And that online thing that riles you up, you're more exposed to it. | ||
| You saw all the alt comics getting angrier and angrier at the regular real comics. | ||
| Yeah, and then you saw the real comics. | ||
| But then you saw the real comics being like, yeah, maybe I am a right-wing guy. | ||
| There's a bunch of those, too. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Because they got upset at the fucking alt-comics always at their necks. | ||
| Yeah, it's annoying. | ||
| And then you see the headlines and you're like... | ||
| The ones that are at people's neck, though, they're never good. | ||
| They're almost never good. | ||
| They're almost never like a really solid comic. | ||
| Because they're online all the time, they're not writing. | ||
| They put their energy into that. | ||
| No one's writing, no one's performing, no one's getting up, no one's tweaking. | ||
| But even when they do, it's just not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's not good stuff. | ||
| I don't think of one really good comic that was at everybody's neck during this time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hold on, let me think about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| Well, you see, it's a lot of men versus women, but then Michelle Wolfe is funny, she's doing great, she's working, she's happy. | ||
| Michelle never attacks anybody online. | ||
| She never attacks people. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's great. | |
| She does never attack people, but it's like the ones who do, it's like that's where, it's almost like they're trying to stop People that they don't agree with more than they're trying to build themselves up. | ||
| We live in a society where if you saw somebody just get off a woman raping her, they'd be like, get that guy. | ||
| Shouldn't we help the rape victims? | ||
| Nah, 70-30, we should punish the rapist more than we should help the victim. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're into punishment more than we're into helping people. | |
| We're less into helping people than we are into hurting people. | ||
| Hurting people is big. | ||
| So we want to punish the accused instead of helping the victims. | ||
| But we also want to grab the accused to make sure he doesn't continue to victimize people. | ||
| Sure, but even this Chris Rock thing, everybody's like, who was wrong? | ||
| Will Smith? | ||
| Or maybe Chris Rock shouldn't have gone too far, but nobody's like, hey, how's Chris doing? | ||
| Yeah, they all consoled Will. | ||
| He got slapped in the middle of a fucking show. | ||
| No one's like, how's he, is he all right? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Well, Amy Schumer took a month off because of the trauma. | ||
| How's she doing now? | ||
| What trauma? | ||
| I think she's doing okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes... | |
| What trauma? | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Just full on. | ||
| How's she doing now? | ||
| She's doing great! | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Taking a month off is fucking nuts. | ||
| Who takes a month off stand-up? | ||
| What? | ||
| We're feeding her. | ||
| She's getting a lot of feed. | ||
| A lot of feed. | ||
| Well, anytime you have to announce that you're taking time off, it's like, how fucked up are you? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just don't call for spots. | |
| Yeah, just don't take time off. | ||
| How does that work, though? | ||
| Do you think there's publicists that handle this? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| Is there a discussion? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, what do we do next to move the needle? | ||
| Yeah, but how are you, like, in those discussions? | ||
| Like, I've had an obviously significantly lower level, obviously. | ||
| But when they're like, hey, this is what we should do, I'm like, no. | ||
| Yeah, why do you say that? | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| I'm just going to go do a set. | ||
| Yeah, don't do anything. | ||
| What are you guys doing? | ||
| When that happened, there was all these plans. | ||
| Like, this is what we need to do. | ||
| I was like, definitely don't do that. | ||
| I'm not going on the news. | ||
| They told you not to go on stage? | ||
| How great was that set we did? | ||
| They were like, definitely don't go on stage. | ||
| I was like, this is... | ||
| That's all I have. | ||
| This is the only thing that's going to make me not sad. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then me and Ari came on stage. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| I remember a night of, I was so livid, because finally one of ours. | ||
| Finally a mainstream, real comic got on that show. | ||
| And we're like, sweet. | ||
| And then they took it away. | ||
| It was like a punishment for all of us. | ||
| It was like when they killed Pesci. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And we're like, wait, he was one of ours. | ||
| And so then I was like, Shane, I was just livid. | ||
| And I was like, get up here, let's have fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a cool night. | ||
| That was one of my favorite sets of that year. | ||
| Yeah, there were people there, they hit me up and they were like, dude, that was a cool thing. | ||
| Isn't it interesting, when things go sideways, a lot of people want you to disappear for a while. | ||
| A lot of people, but not everybody. | ||
| The hate online is so overwhelming that you're like, I guess the world hates me. | ||
| And then you go on, they're like, yeah! | ||
| Oh, as soon as you walk on stage, they're like, let's go. | ||
| Chris Rock is getting huge ovations. | ||
| Louie gets huge ovations. | ||
| It's not all real. | ||
| My first set after all that Kobe stuff happened was just a pop and set at the upstairs of the stand. | ||
| So I wasn't on the lineup. | ||
| It was like a two-minute ovation. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, you're here! | ||
| And I'm like, oh. | ||
| Oh, you guys are just regular comedy fans. | ||
| Yeah, but here's the hard part about that is because people will be like, see, cancel culture is not real. | ||
| It helps. | ||
| It's like, no, dude, these are people that like you that are like, no, we still love you. | ||
| You're a minority. | ||
| And it's not like, it doesn't help, dude. | ||
| Obviously, it doesn't help. | ||
| That shit sucks. | ||
| I hate the cancel culture is not real argument because they go, he's working. | ||
| It's like, alright, you're using the cancel word too literally. | ||
| His life is ruined, he's sad, he's scared, he's different now. | ||
| Yeah, you go on stage, you're looking at people whispering to each other. | ||
| They're talking about the tab. | ||
| And in your head, you're like, they're saying, he's explaining to her that I'm a piece of shit. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| It's mentally very damaging to have hundreds of thousands of people calling you an asshole. | ||
| Guys, you can't talk at the same time. | ||
| Fair. | ||
| I'm sorry, sorry. | ||
| Go ahead, Mark. | ||
| Yeah, but we're fired up. | ||
| It's character assassination more than anything. | ||
| It's not, you're canceled, you can't work. | ||
| It's like, hey... | ||
| You're a bad guy, and we all say how bad you are. | ||
| That's canceling. | ||
| It's like you suck as a guy. | ||
| Yeah, it's the scarlet letter. | ||
| It's a public... | ||
| Dylan put a thing up on his Instagram when the Louis C.K. thing went on, and it was how I became friends with him. | ||
| He said there are a lot of mediocre talents that are chiming in on Louis C.K. to try to knock him off the high perch because they know that he possesses skill and talent as a comedian so much better than they'll ever be. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| And so they resent him and there's part of what's going on is like, if you look at the most violent of people that were attacking him, they're all terrible. | ||
| There was like a bunch of like really mediocre comics that were going after him hard. | ||
| And I was like, this is interesting. | ||
| And then when Tim Dillon said that, I'm like, of course, that's exactly what it is. | ||
| He nailed it. | ||
| And he was seeing it in New York at the time. | ||
| He was living in New York. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it was very hot because like Louie would come in and he would bump everybody, would go on whenever he wanted. | ||
| He's the king. | ||
| He calls in. | ||
| He does call in, actually. | ||
| He would never bump. | ||
| He'd be on the lineup. | ||
| He does 15 and he gets off. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| And he does 15 and gets off. | ||
| Is this now or this before? | ||
| Definitely now, maybe before. | ||
| We're talking about, he used to bump people. | ||
| But even when he bumped, he wasn't doing an hour. | ||
| He was doing 15. You're right, you're right. | ||
| But I'm not saying it is a pejorative. | ||
| It's a positive. | ||
| To see Louis C.K. at a fucking show at the Cellar is a great thing. | ||
| He wasn't the guy that ran the light and did an hour and 45. He's there to work on a joke. | ||
| But the point is, these guys all had to watch that happen. | ||
| When a guy shows up and everybody's like, oh, it's Louis C.K. You wish it was you. | ||
| There's a thing. | ||
| When a comic is there and they're on their way up and they see a guy who is achieving levels of success that are probably never going to happen in their life. | ||
| He's doing giant theater shows. | ||
| He's doing Madison Square Garden. | ||
| He's got a show on FX. He's doing Netflix specials. | ||
| This is Louis fucking CK and you wish you were that big and you wish you were that good. | ||
| And then as soon as something happens with him, Those are the ones. | ||
| Yeah, but how do you do that? | ||
| Shane and I talked about this. | ||
| It's the piling on. | ||
| It's the, oh, you can't fight back, so now we're going to pile on. | ||
| Oh, I never liked the guy anyway. | ||
| Once the green light's on you, green light is them. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But the thing is, you get to see those people, who they really are. | ||
| That's who they really are. | ||
| And it's like most of them are barely comics. | ||
| They're barely comics. | ||
| They're just like... | ||
| They're okay. | ||
| You know, they can get by at the perfect night with a good crowd with some jokes that don't make us laugh, but they're existing in this world. | ||
| They're just selling some shows and they're moving something. | ||
| You know those fucking people. | ||
| It's never getting any better for them. | ||
| You know, there's a period where they've reached peak performance for what their brain, what their spirit has to offer. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's all you got, bitch! | ||
| It's doable. | ||
| Why not get good? | ||
| Why not try to get good? | ||
| Because they're in their own way. | ||
| The same reason why they want to attack someone like Louis, not just say, hey, I think what he did is wrong, but the attack over and over, the constant attacks on Twitter, constant attacks on social medias and blog entries by comics, a lot of them were piss poor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot. | |
| A lot. | ||
| Some are also going... | ||
| That's a good number, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
99%. | |
| A lot of comedy struggle in general. | ||
| A lot of them, though, it's like... | ||
| Yeah, comedy's hard. | ||
| If you weren't being watched, meaning you're not publicly tweeting this, if you're talking privately, your stance would be the most obvious normal take. | ||
| But since you know you're being watched, you're like, let me say the opposite of what everyone's saying. | ||
| It's not what you actually believe. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like, if you had to perform... | ||
| Chris Rockwell Smith, you'd be like, the easy and most obvious take is don't ever hit a performer. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But then some people are like, well, you have to – they try to think of some other thing to say because that's too obvious. | ||
| But obvious is not wrong. | ||
| There's that. | ||
| But I mean with the Louis C.K. thing, there was – for sure there was a whole movement trying to move the ladder. | ||
| Whatever your spot was on the ladder. | ||
| Oh, right, to get up ahead. | ||
| There was guys trying to move to get ahead and trying to push a lot of these toxic men to the side. | ||
| It happened with the Lee and Cowan. | ||
| They're like, sweet, more spots for us. | ||
| I saw it from the store comics. | ||
| They're like, sweet, more spots for us. | ||
| There was also, there's a thing about, like, you move up. | ||
| And this is what Tim Dillon put on his Instagram post. | ||
| I was like, I think that's exactly what I'm saying. | ||
| That's one of the things that I didn't like about it. | ||
| It wasn't that, like, hey, his behavior's gross. | ||
| He should have never fucking done that, which pretty much everybody says, including him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, I want that. | |
| Everybody says it, including him. | ||
| He did say that. | ||
| That's not what it is. | ||
| He wrote a fucking letter. | ||
| Yeah, that's not what it is. | ||
| What it is is people that see him and they've been watching him murder in a way that they can never murder. | ||
| Oh, nobody can. | ||
| I don't like him, so put me digitally into the movie he was already in. | ||
| You know? | ||
| No, I wasn't a part of this. | ||
| Tim had a great tweet the other day. | ||
| He was like, stand-up comedy in the 80s was this, and then stand-up comedy now is like, vote for your local council person. | ||
| I was like, I screenshot it. | ||
| I was like, that's so good. | ||
| Tim Dillon is a national treasure. | ||
| There's some people that I follow, even comics that I follow on Twitter, where I just go check their feed just to watch mental illness just spray its diarrhea all over the screen. | ||
| It's wild to watch people. | ||
| There's one guy that I'm friends with. | ||
| He's a nice guy, but he is the most... | ||
| It's like someone who's a Pirates fan, Pittsburgh Pirates, and he's like, oh, let's fucking go Pirates! | ||
| The whole thing is like, go Democrats! | ||
| You know you guys suck, right? | ||
| It's wild! | ||
| You know you guys are going to win 20 games this year? | ||
| You've come to the World Series since Cal Ripken was alive. | ||
| He's like, no, we're the best! | ||
| But you know those guys? | ||
| That's what he is with the Democrats. | ||
| They'll be like, look at Biden kicking ass this week. | ||
| He writes, best period administration period ever. | ||
| It's like going out 35 to 7, like, look at this awesome touchdown we had. | ||
| Politics have become a tribe completely. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It used to just be a thing. | ||
| I know, but that was the thing I'm confused about. | ||
| When I was young, It wasn't there. | ||
| You didn't talk about it. | ||
| It's not my interest. | ||
| I saw a Dan Quayle bumper sticker and I moved on with my life. | ||
| I thought that I was just young. | ||
| So now that I'm an adult, I'm like, I guess adults, this is what we do. | ||
| But it's different. | ||
| Of course it's different. | ||
| But that's the confusing part. | ||
| Was it always like this when you get older? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| And you're like, we gotta talk politics? | ||
| It's so fucking dumb. | ||
| And be like, are you a drunk supporter? | ||
| 10 empty beers over there? | ||
| It's a 10 beer podcast. | ||
| We're getting going, dude. | ||
| We're just firing up. | ||
| What time is it? | ||
| Let's get it going, dude. | ||
| It's early. | ||
| We've got the whole day left. | ||
| He's got 10 empty beers over there. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Shane is going to die in his Australian tour. | ||
| Or he's going to kill Australia. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What is going on with that watch? | ||
| It goes off every time for his insulin. | ||
| I dropped it drunk a week ago and it's been beeping. | ||
| It goes off constantly. | ||
| Is that like a relic? | ||
| Yeah, it's a throwback. | ||
| Do you like it because it's cool because it's old? | ||
| I just like it because it's completely simple. | ||
| It just tells you the time and the date and I'm good. | ||
| But it beeps all the time. | ||
| That's not simple. | ||
| That I gotta work on. | ||
| It tells you the time and the date. | ||
| It doesn't ever beep. | ||
| Well, how about you throw out a few Omegas over here, huh? | ||
| This is a Seiko. | ||
| Ah, Seiko. | ||
| What are you, poor? | ||
| It's a good watch. | ||
| It's a good watch. | ||
| I should beat your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Solid watch. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know Seiko. | |
| The troops wore them in Vietnam. | ||
| Here's the best conversation. | ||
| Could... | ||
| Among Protect Our Parks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Which is funny. | ||
| POP. You get a little drunk, you go, Protect Our Parks. | ||
| That's us. | ||
| It sounds like a wiper right now. | ||
| Protect Our Parks. | ||
| It really does sound like a wiper alley. | ||
| They're amazing parks. | ||
| A lot of great parks, these guys. | ||
| They're protected. | ||
| Some become jails. | ||
| Could Protect Our Parks fight Joe Rogan. | ||
| That was my favorite conversation. | ||
| Oh, us three? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| First him? | ||
| Dude, he would wail on us. | ||
| We'd get him down. | ||
| We have to get him down. | ||
| If I get the junk. | ||
| I can get the junk. | ||
| No, this is the exact point. | ||
| And the butthole. | ||
| This is the point. | ||
| I got a finger in there. | ||
| He'll squirm like a fat pig. | ||
| Just stare at him laughingly until he walks away. | ||
| My butthole is so tight. | ||
| I can get in there. | ||
| I got lube on me. | ||
| We're all one bunch. | ||
| We're all one punch. | ||
| But if we go together! | ||
| The problem is if Joe slapped us once, I'm like, I quit. | ||
| Enjoy it. | ||
| No quitting. | ||
| What would you have done if Will Smith smacked you? | ||
| Whatever his name was. | ||
| If you, in an alternative universe, if you're doing comedy at the Oscars, and you tell a joke... | ||
| He would say some shit, because what do you got to lose? | ||
| You're not going back to the Oscars. | ||
| It is weird, because I've opened for you a lot. | ||
| They would literally just be like, where's Roy Wood? | ||
| When I had hecklers go, I'd be like, this is not my show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| To be able to go off on this and just kind of weird the room. | ||
| So the Oscars is times a thousand. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| But if it's not the Oscars... | ||
| I mean, they have been slapped. | ||
| They have been slapped. | ||
| Immediately you start making fun of the guy slapping. | ||
| You have a weapon. | ||
| You're not going to be drawn into violence. | ||
| Have you ever been slapped on stage? | ||
| No, I've been rushed on stage. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I've had bottles thrown at me. | ||
| Tell them that. | ||
| You heard that? | ||
| You told me. | ||
| I told you that? | ||
| Last night? | ||
| I told you what? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Norman's got a great... | ||
| Don't build it up. | ||
| No, it's good, dude. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Hartford Funny Bone, I got a guy, like a fat Comic-Con motherfucker in the front row. | ||
| Like, Spider-Man shirt, you know, bad hat, floppy hat, weird facial hair, and he was like... | ||
| Bald. | ||
| Yeah, like he was doing the, uh, like the, you suck, that joke sucked, you should quit, you're bad, like he was saying it to me, he was in the front row, and no one else could hear him. | ||
| So I was like, alright, this guy's just being a dick, he's trying to poke me, and he was getting to me, and I kept ignoring, because I was doing well with the rest of the room. | ||
| He was sitting alone, and eventually I just snapped, like 30 minutes of it, I couldn't take it, and I go, fuck you, you piece of shit, you virgin, look at you, you suck, you're fat, you're gross, whatever, and the rest of the room's like, what are you doing? | ||
| Why are you mean to this guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't know. | |
| So they turned on me. | ||
| But I just was like, fuck it, I'm going all in on this guy. | ||
| And I called him a virgin. | ||
| And he snapped. | ||
| Because I think he was. | ||
| And so he's like... | ||
| He just lost it, and he comes on stage, and I kicked him when he was on the second step. | ||
| Good, good. | ||
| Because I could take this guy. | ||
| I'm not a tough guy, but this guy I can take. | ||
| He was super out of shape, he was super doughy, he had cargo shorts, he looked like Kevin Smith. | ||
| And I was like, I got this guy. | ||
| And I kicked him, and it pushed him back, and then they grabbed him. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Lucky they had better security than the fucking Oscars. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But that was no security. | ||
| Props to that dude. | ||
| It's so funny to go to a show and just sit in the front row and be like, you suck. | ||
| Yeah, he got me. | ||
| You're not doing that. | ||
| You're 11 beers in, and you're encouraging violence. | ||
| I mean, that's a wild dude. | ||
| I support Will Smith. | ||
| I support R. Kelly. | ||
| I support that dude. | ||
| Real talk. | ||
| There's a mansion under the sink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sit in the front row and be like, oh my god, this guy sucks. | |
| Like, just so funny, dude. | ||
| There's a mansion in the cabinet. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| He got me good. | ||
| You ever see the Miss Pat video? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which one? | |
| It's on her phone. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| So it's not up. | ||
| You've got to ask her to see it. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| She's going off on some open mic or at a show, I think, in Indianapolis. | ||
| It might have been Crackers. | ||
| It might have been somewhere else. | ||
| And he's talking shit. | ||
| He's like, come up here and say that, bitch. | ||
| Miss Pat, you know, she's a fucking legit warrior. | ||
| And she rips her wig off. | ||
| He goes, I will. | ||
| He takes one step up and she just punches him upstairs. | ||
| That step was enough to be like, this is you escalating. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| That's a capital ride. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| She takes her wig off. | ||
| That's serious shit. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Miss Pat is the last person. | ||
| She's been shot. | ||
| She got shot in her tit. | ||
| She talks about it. | ||
| Blew her nipple off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| Did Milk go everywhere? | ||
| Ms. Pat is one of the funniest human beings that's ever seen. | ||
| Yeah, she's funny. | ||
| Oh, that Justice Millette Lion. | ||
| God damn, she's funny. | ||
| She said that before anybody knew. | ||
| Justice Millette Lion. | ||
| I'm like, wait, what? | ||
| We did a This Not Happening show at the store, and I was like, wait, what are you talking about? | ||
| Shut up, Ms. Pat. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Well, there was a lot of people who were skeptical. | ||
| She goes, who's going to wear a ski mask and a hat on top of it? | ||
| Number one. | ||
| Number two, how are you going to get name brand bleach for a hate crime? | ||
| You don't get name for him, Leach. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| How about the fact that he showed up at the hotel with the noose still around his neck? | ||
| He kept the noose. | ||
| Look what happened to me. | ||
| Wouldn't the first thing you do once you get free is take that fucking noose off your neck? | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Had the best quote about it, the writer. | ||
| J.K. Rowling. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| She wrote for Playboy for a while. | ||
| I think she's been on here. | ||
| Bridget? | ||
| Bridget Phetasy? | ||
| Bridget Phetasy. | ||
| Oh, she's fun. | ||
| Jussie Smollett is what happened when you let the actors write the script. | ||
| That's exactly it. | ||
| That's exactly it. | ||
| That is 100% it. | ||
| Hey, now that we're talking Jussie Smollett. | ||
| UTA. You know those guys? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That agency, UTA. That stands with everyone? | ||
| Yeah, they fired me and kept Jussie Smollett. | ||
| Still? | ||
| I don't think now. | ||
| I'm sure now they're like... | ||
| After the conviction? | ||
| He ain't working, so we can't get anything out of him. | ||
| They're all such fucking phonies. | ||
| Does he ever work again? | ||
| Does someone like that... | ||
| Can someone like that ever work again? | ||
| I think yes, because people still think you did something right. | ||
| In their mind, they're like... | ||
| Nobody thinks he did anything right. | ||
| He faked a hate crime. | ||
| He's got to have so little support. | ||
| I'm sure there's some dummies out there that are on his side. | ||
| But what's the number? | ||
| Is it 1% at all? | ||
| I mean, if 1% is enough, you've got a million people, that's a lot of fucking people. | ||
| You've got to do a podcast, but you can't be on a TV show. | ||
| Could he do the podcast, where he just tells stories? | ||
| Tells stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tells stories with Jussie Smollett. | |
| And one time, I skydived without a parachute. | ||
| While I was skydiving. | ||
| Some racist hawk. | ||
| He flew right into my parachute, that motherfucker. | ||
| I mean, how does a guy like that come back? | ||
| How do you come back from something like that? | ||
| Where you get arrested for faking a crime and they put you in jail. | ||
| He maintains his innocence. | ||
| I never met those guys who worked on my show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That did this. | |
| Is that what he said? | ||
| He didn't say they worked on my show because I never met them. | ||
| Wasn't he dating one of the guys? | ||
| He said they did drugs and whacked off together. | ||
| Oh, that's good enough. | ||
| Close to dating. | ||
| That's a long-term relationship in the gay community. | ||
| It's such a funny thing to throw on dudes you already incriminated and be like, oh, so they're gay, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
*laughter* To Kevin Spacey defense. | |
| You're one of those guys, you're like, bro, you fucked my whole life up. | ||
| Does that guy ever come back? | ||
| You think Kevin Spacey ever comes back? | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| Go by and watch a fucking first season of House of Cards. | ||
| What about the secret movie where he played a different character? | ||
| Kaiser Soce? | ||
| Kaiser Soce. | ||
| I mean, it never gets better than that. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Usual Suspects. | ||
| Usual Suspects. | ||
| The secret movie. | ||
| I knew what it was, though. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| How about fucking when he was in Seven? | ||
| Happy Sunday, folks. | ||
| Won't take up too much of your time here. | ||
| Did you know that Jussie's story has been fully corroborated by two independent witnesses who've never met or had any affiliation with him? | ||
| Did you know that the Office of Special Prosecutors, Sean Weber, hashtag Sean Weber, committed prosecute, all caps, prosecutorial misconduct by Pressuring multiple witnesses to change their story. | ||
| Jussie's story has never, all caps, changed. | ||
| Bro, that's all I needed to see. | ||
| That's all I needed to see, dude. | ||
| Free him. | ||
| Free him. | ||
| Who's India Moore? | ||
| Who's like free Jussie? | ||
| Right away, someone writes free Jussie. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Who's India Moore? | ||
| She's blinked or whatever. | ||
| 1.6 million. | ||
| Yeah, she's hot as shit. | ||
| Who's this person? | ||
| Good looking lady. | ||
| She's four times as big as me. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| She's like, free Jussie. | ||
| Better looking than Jada. | ||
| Do you think she's an actress? | ||
| Yeah, she's got Jussie in there! | ||
| Yeah, she's probably an actress. | ||
| Maybe it's her brother. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Actors and actresses are out of their fucking boards. | ||
| Out of their fucking minds. | ||
| So is he free? | ||
| I think he is now. | ||
| 150 days ago. | ||
| He's out? | ||
| No, no, he's out already. | ||
| How many days did he get? | ||
| They let him out early. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they let him out real early. | ||
| Remember the prosecutor was like, we're not going to go through with this? | ||
| And everyone was like, why? | ||
| He lied. | ||
| Yeah, they made him go back. | ||
| It cost the city a million dollars? | ||
| The manhunt. | ||
| So... | ||
| He's out. | ||
| I guarantee he's out. | ||
| He was supposed to do a bunch of time, and he got out within a few days on appeal. | ||
| So he's on appeal right now. | ||
| So maybe if he loses the appeal, he has to go in for the rest of the 150 days. | ||
| The Rich Get Richer. | ||
| He's fucked. | ||
| Like, how do you make a living now? | ||
| If you're a guy who's a puppet... | ||
| He was great in that Alien movie. | ||
| Hey, can we... | ||
| Covenant? | ||
| He was in Covenant. | ||
| He was great in Mighty Ducks. | ||
| He was in Mighty Ducks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was he, Duck? | ||
| He was a young man. | ||
| Can we mention how awesome... | ||
| He got checked by two white guys. | ||
| Into the glass. | ||
| The Bash Brothers got him. | ||
| What are those Nigerians doing? | ||
| Are they still around? | ||
| The guys he hired? | ||
| They're selling weed in Beijing. | ||
| They're on OnlyFans jacking off. | ||
| They were hot. | ||
| Can we say how awesome it was that one of the greatest comics of all time Louis C.K. won a Grammy for Best Album of the Year. | ||
| And Twitter imploded, I heard. | ||
| Nah, fuck that. | ||
| Everybody realized how amazing it was that a great comic put out a great special and won an award. | ||
| Finally, someone who deserves it won an award for an amazing thing. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| I never got them. | ||
| Yeah, I don't get it. | ||
| What was funny is it's like, oh, the voting's anonymous. | ||
| That's why he won. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Oh yeah, the voting's anonymous. | ||
| Everybody got in there and was like... | ||
| Actually, this special killed. | ||
| Definitely the best. | ||
| It's a good special. | ||
| It was a great special. | ||
| The last special was very funny. | ||
| The intro when he walks out to fucking Bob Dylan and the sorry's on there and he just... | ||
| It's like, dude... | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Suck my dick. | |
| I think he won for Sincerely. | ||
| Oh, no, sorry. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, sorry. | ||
| It's called Sorry. | ||
| I thought it was Sincerely. | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| He won for Sincerely? | ||
| Oh, a different special? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| He won for the last one? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| His past one. | ||
| The most recent is Sorry. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He won for the one before that. | ||
| No, he was nominated for the one before that, but he didn't win. | ||
| I don't think he was. | ||
| That was last year. | ||
| The nomination was new. | ||
| Sincerely, Louis CK won. | ||
| Sincerely won? | ||
| Sincerely, Louis CK won. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit! | |
| Wait, that was recorded before COVID. That's last year, so he still has a chance to win next year. | ||
| Sorry's gonna win. | ||
| Sorry's better. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| He won for the one he recorded in 2020? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's how they do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, they did the awards for 2021. Well, whatever. | |
| They just announced it for 2021. They present in 2021, but it's all the shit from the year before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, but it is 2022. This was a weird year because I don't think they did the Grammys. | |
| Two years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Damn, he won on Sincerely? | ||
| What's interesting is that one was good, but it's not as good as it's new. | ||
| It's way better. | ||
| Sorry's one of the best specials he's ever done. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And he seems like free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It seems like he's 100% Louis. | ||
| He said, everybody needs to get canceled, you'll be your real fucking comic after that. | ||
| He didn't say the last part, but he goes, everybody needs to get canceled. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Just get it over with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then nothing will hold you back. | ||
| You're not worried. | ||
| Would you agree? | ||
| Because it's not fun. | ||
| It's not a great thing. | ||
| No, it's bullying. | ||
| It's mean. | ||
| Shit stinks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it was. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The stuff that got in this award show was stuff that came out. | ||
| Damn, he won on Sincerely. | ||
| He's definitely going to win on Sorry. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's on Sorry. | ||
| He's not going to get another one. | ||
| He'll get back-to-back, dude. | ||
| Sorry was the best special. | ||
| If he gets back-to-back... | ||
| That's not how it works. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| If it's fucking the best... | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| If they have a bunch of them... | ||
| They don't think like that. | ||
| They're like, oh, we're gonna give it to this guy. | ||
| Why do we care what they think? | ||
| You think The Departed is the best sports show? | ||
| Why do we care? | ||
| Why do we care about the Emmys? | ||
| They are so not our people. | ||
| They are so not our people. | ||
| They're not our people. | ||
| The idea that we care who wins the Emmys is so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, who gives a fuck? | ||
| You ever see Kill Tony's poster? | ||
| It said who actually won the Grammy? | ||
| Pull up the Kill Tony poster. | ||
| You need to see this, because it's fucking crazy. | ||
| Here's why I never liked the Grammys, because they never once nominated, like, Kyle Kinane. | ||
| It was only celebrities. | ||
| It's only celebrities ever. | ||
| They got Nate Bargazzi, which was nice. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| But yeah, you're right. | ||
| Look at this Kill Tony poster. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Grammy Awards won by Queen, zero. | ||
| Diana Ross, zero. | ||
| Jimi Hendrix, zero. | ||
| Snoop Dogg, zero. | ||
| Hillary Clinton, one. | ||
| Awards are pointless. | ||
| Kill Tony isn't. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| Well done. | ||
| What did Hillary win for? | ||
| Rap? | ||
| Hip-hop? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That'd be fun. | |
| Her murder compilation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Real talk. | ||
| Super Predators. | ||
| Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind? | ||
| I was on Epstein's plane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She won for best spoken word album. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Spoken word? | ||
| It takes a village. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| Grammy Awards of 1997. Jesus Christ. | ||
| 97, dude. | ||
| That was after Monica Lewinsky. | ||
| Ah, you see? | ||
| That's how they think. | ||
| We'll give her one after that. | ||
| Yeah, let's get her a trophy, because that was traumatic as hell. | ||
| She went through some shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's brutal. | ||
| Poor gal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You watched that FX thing about Clinton? | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| It was good, dude. | ||
| Yeah, FX kills it. | ||
| The same one as the people versus OJ. Yeah, that was great, too. | ||
| Assassination of Versace. | ||
| Those are incredible. | ||
| They did a fucking documentary, like a show, not a documentary. | ||
| Biopic? | ||
| Yeah, biopic type shit. | ||
| Docu-series. | ||
| Yeah, about Sarah Paulson. | ||
| Got threatened after she said something about Kobe. | ||
| Sarah Paulson. | ||
| Impeachment, an American crime story. | ||
| Yeah, it was very good. | ||
| What happened with Sarah Paulson? | ||
| After Kobe, Michael Rapport went after her heart and she got threatened to the point where she had to delete her Twitter. | ||
| What? | ||
| Because she said, like, hey, it might be true that he's a great man and also he might have committed rape. | ||
| Both things can be true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Rapport went after her heart. | |
| This was about Kobe? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, there was a lot of those girls. | ||
| The other one, the one from Westworld. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Sarah Paulson. | ||
| No, no, no, the other one. | ||
| A different girl from Westworld than Rachel Wood? | ||
| Yes, that one. | ||
| Didn't she go after him? | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| She's the one who said that. | ||
| It was her. | ||
| She said that. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Impeachment was good, dude. | ||
| That's the show? | ||
| FX. That's Hillary? | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's Linda Tripp. | ||
| Linda Tripp. | ||
| By the way, John Goodman played her on SNL in the 90s, and it was so insulting, but it was normal. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| They show it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| They show it on there, where she's sitting down watching SNL with her, like... | ||
| She's, like, devastated. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| But that shit flew back then. | ||
| But then, uh... | ||
| It is crazy that they all called Monica Lewinsky a fucking whore. | ||
| I know! | ||
| You mean my boss tried to have sex with me? | ||
| Yeah, I'm a 23-year-old and the president wanted me to suck his dick. | ||
| She got screwed on that. | ||
| She got screwed. | ||
| That's Jonah Hill's, uh, sister. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah, it looks like Jonah Hill. | ||
| I think she was 20. I think Monica Lewinsky was 20. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. | ||
| Obviously, you're going to get ahead from a fat 20-year-old. | ||
| Well, not only that. | ||
| Obviously, if you're a 20-year-old, you get a chance. | ||
| Who's not doing that, dude? | ||
| I like a full-figured girl. | ||
| I can't do Clinton. | ||
| If you're a young single girl. | ||
| Wrong president. | ||
| Hillary? | ||
| Or Bill? | ||
| Monica. | ||
| Bill. | ||
| Bill, Bill. | ||
| Full-figured? | ||
| It's kind of breathy. | ||
| Let's just jump again. | ||
| I can do Bill. | ||
| Big juke globes. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| I only flew with him 26 times. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| He's got a good plane. | ||
| I'd have to listen to him. | ||
| If I listened to him, I could do him better. | ||
| Don, what do you think of Bill's pussy? | ||
| Not good. | ||
| He sounds like an idiot. | ||
| Everybody heard it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I only flew with him 26 times. | |
| It's more of a this. | ||
| Do Biden real quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan's Biden is the greatest fucker thing in the world's ever known. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| So funny. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| That show that he does with Kurt is one of the best fucking sketch things he's ever done. | ||
| It's so good, dude. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| So good. | ||
| I went over there and they were like... | ||
| So I was in LA doing shows and Kurt hit me up and was like, you gotta come over and do a sketch. | ||
| I was like, of course. | ||
| I get over there and they're like, alright, let's go. | ||
| As soon as I walked in the door, they're like, we're doing a Zoom call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like... | |
| Okay. | ||
| No hello? | ||
| Dude, it was crazy. | ||
| And then you get into Kyle's house and it's like a fucking hellhole. | ||
| And it's crazy. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like, what way? | ||
| I'm talking like fucking unfinished, like struts in the fucking living room are just hanging out. | ||
| There's no drywall. | ||
| There's just shit everywhere. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they're like, alright, let's go. | ||
| Oh, dude, it's chaos. | ||
| He's a mad genius. | ||
| He is. | ||
| So is Kurt. | ||
| They're both insane geniuses. | ||
| They made Inside Amy Schumer the greatness that it was the first two years. | ||
| Yeah, got an Emmy. | ||
| Yeah, when it was like those two guys writing, it was like, this can't be stopped. | ||
| Thank God they found each other and connected. | ||
| Those two are... | ||
| I mean, it's ridiculous. | ||
| They're so fucking good. | ||
| The Nancy Pelosi one they did? | ||
| The bitch's hero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's got skeleton hands and she rubs them together and starts a fire. | |
| That's comedy. | ||
| When you watch it, you're like, oh yeah, this is what comedy used to be. | ||
| I'm gonna jingle my jewels in your face. | ||
| You'll love it. | ||
| The Bill Maher shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bill Maher hates it. | |
| His Bill Maher is so good. | ||
| No one else has one. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| These aren't impressions anyone's doing. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I'll never have children. | ||
| But he does them better than anybody. | ||
| Oh, the trans-Trump. | ||
| I didn't like this one. | ||
| I didn't like this one that much. | ||
| I thought it was... | ||
| But just visually, that's fun. | ||
| Trans-Trump. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It's terrific. | ||
| Visually, the Andrew Cuomo one, it's amazing. | ||
| Do you see Putin on OnlyFans? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You haven't seen this? | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Puttershot. | |
| Puttershot. | ||
| I always. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you're dropped like rock. | |
| He's getting Bitcoin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, we're here to go. | |
| Now is sexy time. | ||
| Get ready. | ||
| It's going to be getting hot in here. | ||
| All the Bitcoin coming in. | ||
| Have you ever gone on an OnlyFans? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I should, because I know people on it. | ||
| Feehan is crushing it on OnlyFans. | ||
| Who is? | ||
| Karen Feehan. | ||
| She's a comedian in New York. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| Very funny, and the best little titties in comedy. | ||
| So what is she doing on OnlyFans? | ||
| Butt picks? | ||
| Yeah, picks mostly. | ||
| Yeah, that's it? | ||
| She's got a hot pot. | ||
| How much? | ||
| I think in the $20,000 to $25,000 range a month. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she's funny. | ||
| And she's a cool gal. | ||
| She's so cool to have around. | ||
| It takes away all the financial pressure of gigs, right? | ||
| You do whatever gigs you want. | ||
| To defend her, she doesn't slack on comedy. | ||
| She's like, that's extra income. | ||
| I'm still hosting. | ||
| I'm still doing whatever spots I can get. | ||
| If I could get that, you know? | ||
| You can show your ass and you get 20 grand a month? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| Is there levels to what you show? | ||
| What? | ||
| Levels. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| But you can do pornography, right? | ||
| Oh yeah, you can figure yourself... | ||
| Total pornography. | ||
| That's what runs OnlyFans. | ||
| It's porno chicks going, hey, come straight to me. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Hey, what do you want? | ||
| I'll do what you want me to do. | ||
| And then arranging also, like, do you want to meet? | ||
| That's 10 grand. | ||
| Oh, they do that. | ||
| Ten grand. | ||
| Whatever it is, you know. | ||
| Yeah, I guess a lot of them get paid ten grand. | ||
| Why wouldn't you? | ||
| I fuck on camera. | ||
| Why wouldn't I fuck a guy off camera? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're fucking everybody. | |
| Especially if he's nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody's nice who gives me ten grand. | ||
| OnlyFans for guys? | ||
| Is that a real thing? | ||
| Gay guys. | ||
| Trans. | ||
| I interviewed a trans lady on Skeptic Hang once and she was like, that's a solid, there's a market for it. | ||
| If you still have your dick. | ||
| You gotta have your dick? | ||
| I mean, you get more money that way. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| So if you're trans with a dick, it's more valuable than a full operation? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Some girls are like, I just show my feet and I make a ton of money. | ||
| Sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go for it. | |
| I've heard of that. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| How much money do you make just showing your feet? | ||
| Enough to show your feet. | ||
| I would show my feet. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't even think about my feet. | ||
| Your feet aren't that great. | ||
| Nah, they're not. | ||
| Maybe they are to some people. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I mean, I would not do it. | ||
| If I could make 20 grand a month... | ||
| You might be able to. | ||
| Just showing your butthole. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| Guys, go to OnlyFans.com slash Ari Shafir. | ||
| How about Ari's butthole around the world, like wherever you're going? | ||
| I wanted to have a Skankfest, the first year at Skankfest. | ||
| I was like, can we have a kissing booth? | ||
| But it's only a close-up, and I'll spread my cheeks, and you get to stare directly into my fucking hemorrhoid-ed-up asshole. | ||
| I would pay a buck for that. | ||
| A buck! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| But you gotta sit there with your asshole spread for an hour and a half. | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| Louis, make it happen. | ||
| You guys are gonna spit in your asshole. | ||
| Yeah, that was my only thing. | ||
| You gotta have a spit guard. | ||
| That's not so bad. | ||
| You should let them spit in your asshole. | ||
| If they have to look at it, they should be able to spit on it. | ||
| And that's kinda hot. | ||
| It is kinda hot. | ||
| And it feels good. | ||
| I bet a little warm spit on your b-hole. | ||
| Who wouldn't like that? | ||
| Jamie, what are you saying? | ||
| There's a video about that. | ||
| That's why I thought you brought it up, maybe. | ||
| What? | ||
| In Cook County Jail, that's what they do. | ||
| They don't rape guys. | ||
| They spit in their asshole. | ||
| I would take that in a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| If rape was on the table, I'll take a spin in the butt. | ||
| Because you still have to get the phone call when a bodily fluid enters a cavity or something like that, they explained. | ||
| What phone call? | ||
| Aids? | ||
| They have to call your family and say, like, you have to dip your rape kit on your son. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| You can get aids from that. | ||
| No, don't call my mom. | ||
| Yeah, do you have to rat them out that they spit on your asshole? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's what they were going into. | ||
| Like, that's the thing that they did. | ||
| Like, big guys would be like, you ain't spitting on my asshole. | ||
| And they'd be like, pssh, what? | ||
| You get knocked out, and then they hold you down, and they spit in your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then people were like, God, they would take turns coming up and spit in your asshole. | |
| Sounds like a nice treat. | ||
| Come on, I want to see video of this. | ||
| It's not the video of that, but I can show you the video of them explaining it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They also have a thing they called a Glock Dookie. | ||
| Grab some Bud Lights out there. | ||
| How many you got down so far? | ||
| What do you got over there? | ||
| What's the stack? | ||
| I'm having a tough time counting. | ||
| 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. You're on beer 12. That's good. | ||
| I had one of those. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| Bud lights are easy to drink. | ||
| Yeah, but that's wild. | ||
| That's like Andre the Giant shit. | ||
| I had one of those. | ||
| They will knock you the fuck out. | ||
| Go to the bathroom, you see yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you hit that ground? | |
| Oh shit, I'm fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get that butt! | |
| The dude sitting at the table next to a werewolf. | ||
| You're like, oh shit. | ||
| I'm fucked up. | ||
| Reality sets in. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get that butt! | |
| Nah, the nigga that's fighting to be, get the butt! | ||
| Pull your pants down! | ||
| Pull your drawers down. | ||
| Open up your ass and spin your ass. | ||
| Now your ass a bitch. | ||
| Six people lined up to come spin your ass. | ||
| Niggas are spinning your ass. | ||
| A nigga will grab a motherfucking soap. | ||
| Choke your ass out, nigga. | ||
| Six different survivors. | ||
| Kilt in this bitch. | ||
| Your ass a bitch. | ||
| Not in the whole jail or no. | ||
| It's going around. | ||
| Man, folks got this ass spitting in. | ||
| Niggas that put ketchup mustard in your ass. | ||
| Niggas that put ketchup mustard in your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wasn't involved in that shit. | |
| I wasn't doing that shit. | ||
| I wasn't doing that shit. | ||
| Knock you out. | ||
| Spitting your ass. | ||
| It sounds like a lot. | ||
| Especially up in the trenches. | ||
| That shit have fucked you up. | ||
| Trenches. | ||
| That shit have fucked you up. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Two million views. | ||
| Just some dude eating fucking Flaming Hot Cheetos. | ||
| Spitting in asses? | ||
| Then knocking you out and spitting in your butt. | ||
| I think he got off easy. | ||
| Spitting in your butt is so nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| As opposed to... | ||
| I want to do that now. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They don't do that anymore? | ||
| Is that what he's saying? | ||
| It's actually pretty nice. | ||
| Yeah, it is actually like a frat. | ||
| Yeah, we've evolved. | ||
| This is more? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a lot. | |
| It's the shorter two minutes. - Fuckin' that bitch, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Glock Dookie's in that bitch, motherfucker. | |
| Pull up on your ass with a Glock Dookie, right? | ||
| Glock Dookie, in front of the grave, toothpaste. | ||
| That bitch got shit in it, piss in it, nut in it, shaving cream, all type of shit. - Screamin' off with his name, "Face, bitch." - Fuckin' off with that bitch. | ||
| What? | ||
| Move right now, spray the bitch in your face. | ||
| You, you don't want this shit. | ||
| You getting robbed. | ||
| They make guns. | ||
| Glock Dookie. | ||
| Glock Dookie with a switch on that bitch. | ||
| Nigga, they don't fucking put shit, piss, nut. | ||
| What's the switch? | ||
| So you can actually fight? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| You gotta have these guys in the podcast. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| That seems like it'd be a lot of fun. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| There's some guy in prison for money laundering, and he's like... | ||
| I don't know about this. | ||
| Take it easy, fellas. | ||
| Somebody's got a crest tube filled with shit and jizz. | ||
| Get the fuck out of the way, motherfucker! | ||
| That's why R. Kelly was singing for everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They had him there like, sing for my kids, please. | |
| Whatever you want? | ||
| He goes, I don't feel like it. | ||
| Don't you feel like it? | ||
| Or we could go the other way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's probably a big star in jail. | ||
| They're probably so excited to hang out with R. Kelly. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, and he gets to sing. | ||
| Probably makes it more interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| My asshole's telling me no. | ||
| But those Flamin' Hot spits. | ||
| But you guys are telling me yeah. | ||
| You gotta tell me it's gonna happen. | ||
| Flamin' Hot. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| Anybody eating Flamin' Hots is a problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't see a president or a CEO eating Flamin' Hots. | ||
| Nobody accomplishing anything is munching. | ||
| Well, Trump actually might munch Flamin' Hots. | ||
| Didn't Trump replace the healthy snacks the White House had previously with some kind of shit? | ||
| A lot of cheeseburgers. | ||
| He had the burgers. | ||
| He would bring in whoever won the national championship in football. | ||
| He'd bring them in and he'd just get the whole table filled with fucking burgers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| From McDonald's? | ||
| Yeah, he'd be like, you guys are going to love McDonald's. | ||
| He fucking loves McDonald's. | ||
| He legitimately loves McDonald's. | ||
| Diet Coke and McDonald's. | ||
| So did Clinton. | ||
| How is he so healthy? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Trump. | ||
| Is he healthy? | ||
| For as old as he is? | ||
| What are you kidding? | ||
| He's old as shit. | ||
| He's overweight. | ||
| Donald Trump had McDonald's delivered to the hospital while he was being treated for COVID-19. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| What a fat fuck. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| I mean, if you're munching McDonald's in your 70s, Dude, if I eat McDonald's now, I'm like, what the fuck was that? | ||
| Dude, I was at a concert with Soder and his girlfriend, and he was like, right before the encore, they were like, we're finished, we'll be back in like 10 minutes, we gotta do whatever. | ||
| LCD sound system, and he's like, I gotta go. | ||
| I'm like, you gotta go before the encore? | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| It ain't a lot of McDonald's. | ||
| It ruins you. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| But Trump doesn't drink. | ||
| No, he doesn't drink. | ||
| That definitely takes some of the edge off, but he's eating pure garbage. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah, but Trump has also never drank, right? | ||
| Never. | ||
| No, really? | ||
| Wasn't that a thing? | ||
| His brother got fucked up by it, and he stopped. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you ever seen the Adam Curtis documentary on how Trump made his money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You've seen it. | ||
| New York was like, white flight, and then Trump was like, oh, everything's devalued? | ||
| Let me buy, like, blocks. | ||
| I saw the Adam Curtis... | ||
| It's the newest one. | ||
| The last one was, what was it? | ||
| It was like, Can't Get You Out Of My Head. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| What was that about? | ||
| It was just, he... | ||
| Adam Curtis explained where we're at and why we're at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it was... | ||
| Have you ever had him on? | ||
| I can't explain it. | ||
| Dude, I'd like to see that. | ||
| That is, for sure, get Adam Curtis on. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| His documentaries are so out there and so clear. | ||
| Century of the Self is so interesting. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It's about how we took... | ||
| So Freud's nephew took stuff he was saying about psychology, used it for propaganda for World War II, and then after World War II was over, like, well, we can keep using this propaganda. | ||
| We've got to change the name. | ||
| They called it PR. And so that everything is about public image. | ||
| So that's when advertisements went from this is a quality product to this will get your family around you. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What was the one you said? | ||
| What was the documentary? | ||
| It's called Can't Get You Out Of My Head and it's fucking incredible. | ||
| It's about how China uses like... | ||
| Oh, with Mao and his wife? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolute... | |
| They're monitoring everything you do. | ||
| You get the social credit score of, like, did you cheat in a video game? | ||
| Did you jaywalk? | ||
| And they monitor it. | ||
| Meanwhile, the United States is doing kind of the exact same thing, except they're doing outrage. | ||
| They're doing outrage. | ||
| So, like, in China, it's like... | ||
| They're monitoring, but you gotta be a good dude. | ||
| You gotta do everything correct. | ||
| It's hyper-normalization was the one with Trump. | ||
| Dude, Rogan, you'll like all these. | ||
| Century of the Self, start with that one. | ||
| I'm fucked up. | ||
| Start with that one. | ||
| I'm gonna watch these. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| You watch the Adam Curtis talk? | ||
| Can't get you out of my head. | ||
| Oh, I've seen hyper-normalization. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| That was really good. | ||
| You watch Century of the Self, you watch one episode out of six or eight, you watch one, then you pause for like a week and a half and you think about it. | ||
| Here's the hardest part about Adam Curtis, is you watch it, and then you understand it, and then you try to tell everybody. | ||
| But you are dumb. | ||
| I have that with Norm Macdonald. | ||
| You ever talk to somebody who doesn't think Norm Macdonald's funny and you're like, I don't know what to do here. | ||
| He just is. | ||
| I don't know how to back up to explain it to you. | ||
| I never laugh, though. | ||
| And you're like, alright. | ||
| How the fuck could you watch Norm and not laugh? | ||
| People don't like a weird taste. | ||
| You have to be stupid, dude. | ||
| The taste is so subjective. | ||
| Not only like, funny not my thing, but just like, not funny. | ||
| Like, oh. | ||
| Some people, they just have terrible taste. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I mean, there's things that people love that are, like, there's people that are, like, great fans of those terrible sitcoms. | ||
| Where they can't wait and they want to go see the taping and some of those really fucking bland bullshit. | ||
| Dude, that's Big J. Whenever I have a barbecue, he's like, I got frozen beef patties for you. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| I got fresh ground beef. | ||
| It's like, nah, you want these. | ||
| I'm like, oh, you have garbage taste. | ||
| I support that. | ||
| Of course you do. | ||
| You get conditioned, too. | ||
| Is frozen beef that much different than fresh beef? | ||
| Yeah, it's shitty, dude. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| It's garbage food. | ||
| It's shitty. | ||
| I mean, it really depends on how quickly the burger was frozen. | ||
| Like, if you get a fresh steak and you grind it and then make a patty and freeze it and then thaw it out, it's not going to be any different. | ||
| That ain't what's happening. | ||
| These are fucking mass-made bulk, you know. | ||
| Dude, it's a burger. | ||
| Get a 99 cent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
99. I want a burger. | |
| I want a fucking burger right now. | ||
| Joe, don't you dare make a fool out of me right now. | ||
| Fucking burger. | ||
| Burger. | ||
| We'll do a taste test. | ||
| I would love burgers, dude. | ||
| If you wanted to eat a burger right now, would you go for something that's good, or would you go for something like bullshit? | ||
| No, we went to El Camino. | ||
| Right across the street. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Then you gotta battle through all those fuckin' goths. | ||
| All those freaks making you shit. | ||
| The guy's got a fucking mohawk in the kitchen. | ||
| Yeah, the kitchen's filled with fucking freaks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you go to order and you're like, I don't want these guys around my... | ||
| No gloves. | ||
| And then they give you your food and you're like, damn, that's the best food I've ever had. | ||
| You're alright. | ||
| Yeah, you're okay. | ||
| Nice job, freaks. | ||
| They look like the bad guys in Street Fighter. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Yes! | ||
| They come out of the bar just like, who ordered... | ||
| Tio, how about that fucking waiter? | ||
| Fucking Mark's got a gay gluten allergy, so he put the... | ||
| I'm trying it off bread. | ||
| Mark's gay as hell, so he put the bun in his beer. | ||
| Just like if there's a sip of beer left, I threw the bun in there to get rid of it. | ||
| He comes over. | ||
| The waiter comes over to grab empties, and he's like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| And it was like, don't be a waiter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right? | |
| Why is there a little bread in the bottle? | ||
| He didn't like it. | ||
| I shouldn't have said don't be a waiter, dude. | ||
| I apologize to all the waiters. | ||
| You dumbasses. | ||
| I heard nothing but good things about those burgers. | ||
| Dude, El Camino's. | ||
| Great burger. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Hey, let's have a taste that's next barbecue I have. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| We'll do one of those Big J frozen patties versus a real ground beef grade A. I swear to God there will be zero difference. | ||
| Do you know how to cook a burger? | ||
| Are you good at it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, he cannot. | ||
| But DeRosa came over and was cooking. | ||
| He was cooking at my place. | ||
| How about DeRosa's fucking sandwich shop? | ||
| I get hungry looking at his Instagram. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It looks amazing. | ||
| Joey Rose's. | ||
| Economical. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's an $8 sandwich. | ||
| That should be like in New York, $14, $15. | ||
| It's a big ass fucking sandwich. | ||
| It looks good! | ||
| Those sangwiches? | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| That's my favorite one! | ||
| That's my favorite one! | ||
| That peanut butter, jelly, and potato chips is my favorite one. | ||
| Oh, that's bad news. | ||
| Damn, that looks good. | ||
| That killed Ralphie, man. | ||
| That's good news, and then DeRosa will make you do coke. | ||
| Yeah, he will. | ||
| He puts it on the bun. | ||
| You eat some fucking peanut butter and jelly hoagie, and he's like, come on, dude, let's do coke. | ||
| Wait till I'm done with the sandwich. | ||
| He likes the coke? | ||
| No, no, he doesn't. | ||
| He likes it around the bros. | ||
| When the bros are there. | ||
| He likes to do coke? | ||
| When the dogs are there. | ||
| That's why he opened the bar. | ||
| It's a coke den. | ||
| So it's a sandwich shop slash bar? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is he doing a lot of stand-up now, or is he just busy doing that? | ||
| He's out! | ||
| He's back out! | ||
| He's opening for Sal on his tour a lot, and he's back, fully back. | ||
| So he just has people work the club or his bar? | ||
| He was kind of right. | ||
| When he stopped, Shit sucks right now. | ||
| He was right about that. | ||
| He had his draw now because him and Sal were doing that Taste Buds podcast. | ||
| But before that, he goes, what's the benefit of doing stand-up in this world where everyone's attacking everybody when I'm not going to make thousands of dollars on the road? | ||
| I would fight him on that. | ||
| I would always be like, now's when it's actually good. | ||
| Necessary. | ||
| But he goes, your whole career's over for what? | ||
| For a $25 spot? | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| And I'm like, I get what you're saying, but... | ||
| So he was worried about saying something that was going to get him in trouble? | ||
| Yeah, because it's nonstop. | ||
| I think it's a little bit of the worry about saying something, but he's always been friends with all the left people. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Like, all the people that lost their fucking minds, he was boys with them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was friends with a lot of them, too. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But he's also friends with Kumia. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| He was. | ||
| DeRose is friendly. | ||
| He just likes everybody. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| That shit fucked him up. | ||
| When everybody split and acted like psychos, that fucked him up. | ||
| And he was like, I don't want to do stand-up for this shit. | ||
| It's supposed to be for fun and everyone's attacking each other. | ||
| This is what? | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's strange. | ||
| Yeah, if you're Segura making fucking doctor money every show, then it's like... | ||
| Sure, for you to do it, it makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who went harder after Will Smith than Segura? | ||
| I know. | ||
| What a fucking warrior. | ||
| It was tweets. | ||
| I was impressed. | ||
| The bitch was bald. | ||
| But it was more that. | ||
| She's been cheating on you and been fucking around. | ||
| Oh, I didn't see that. | ||
| He defended stand-up like he should, like we all should. | ||
| Like a gangster. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, but it was just, he went off. | ||
| And he was totally right. | ||
| Totally right. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| He was out there saying it. | ||
| It was just 100% truth. | ||
| And everybody had to sit back. | ||
| Do you not think stand-up is an art form? | ||
| Then sure, okay, fight people. | ||
| But then you don't respect us at all. | ||
| We're not here for us. | ||
| For you. | ||
| You're here for us. | ||
| And he can say it because he's bald. | ||
| He is bald. | ||
| Bring it on! | ||
| Some crazy shit. | ||
| Crazy shit watching that happen. | ||
| I still can't believe it's real. | ||
| Even watching that video. | ||
| It's nutty. | ||
| It's nutty. | ||
| It's the biggest event in a long time. | ||
| So much of it is like... | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| It just sucks for Chris Rock. | ||
| Sucks for Chris Rock. | ||
| It's not fair at all. | ||
| He's killing it! | ||
| I know, but you gotta be humiliated on television. | ||
| But still, it's like he's a... | ||
| Dude, he's a legend. | ||
| He still is, but... | ||
| No, he's a legend, and then that shit happens. | ||
| The way he handled it, though, I don't think he lost any stock. | ||
| I mean, the man is standing there, guy walks up to him, smacks him in the head, and he's still playing it off like it was a joke. | ||
| Oh, he goes, whoa, what the fuck? | ||
| Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me. | ||
| And I think they were going to laugh it off. | ||
| And then when he got serious, he was like, keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth. | ||
| And he said, really? | ||
| Don't say off, don't say off, because he didn't. | ||
| Out your fucking mouth. | ||
| And then he goes, it's a G.I. Jane joke. | ||
| It's like, what are you even talking about? | ||
| And he yells it again, keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth. | ||
| And it's like, wow. | ||
| I'm going to. | ||
| I'll tell you, as someone who's been slapped, it doesn't hurt, so it's an odd thing where it's like, you struck me, but there's no pain associated with it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a disrespectful thing. | ||
| It's disrespectful, but it's like, what are you doing? | ||
| Don't you think everybody here has been slapped? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| I cry. | ||
| Every time I got slapped, I've cried. | ||
| I cried once when I got slapped. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| If somebody slaps me, I will cry. | ||
| Because it's dead. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been nothing but nice to you. | ||
| Why would you slap me? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| If we're comics, though, it's like we're holding a weapon. | ||
| I know, I'm sure the worst part was he would have loved to... | ||
| I'm fucked up. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| I said, we're holding a weapon. | ||
| We're holding a weapon. | ||
| The microphone. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| So we can make fun of people. | ||
| Shane, get him. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Shane, come on, have another beer. | ||
| I'll have another beer. | ||
| Remember that part in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood where... | ||
| Brad Pitt's fighting fucking Bruce Lee, and he's like, if I hit a guy and he dies, my hands are considered... | ||
| Luther weapons? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, that's how it works. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, oh, yeah, our mouths are weapons. | ||
| Everybody's mouths are fucking weapons, dude. | ||
| No, a trained stand-up comic, a three-year stand-up comic is like, oh, you don't know what you're dealing with. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| In that moment when he got smacked, it didn't seem like he knew what to do. | ||
| No, he had one moment. | ||
| He's not in the club. | ||
| There's a clear moment of clarity where he's like... | ||
| I should go at him, but then he pulled back. | ||
| There's one part after he gets slapped where he goes, I could. | ||
| He literally says, I could. | ||
| But he knows he's in the belly of the beast of Hollywood. | ||
| And the thing is, the things you would say at a club on that stage would get you, you'd be like, you dumb fucking bitch of a what? | ||
| And it's like, hey, you're sexist. | ||
| So being quiet was the ultimate best move. | ||
| We all wanted him to say shit. | ||
| Professionally. | ||
| He played it right. | ||
| Imagine if he just went full stand-up. | ||
| We all wanted him at least to go, fuck you, or fuck the system, I'm out. | ||
| And the joke was obvious. | ||
| Keep my wife's name out of your mouth. | ||
| It's so easy to just write. | ||
| Keep her fucking pussy out of other dudes' mouths. | ||
| Also, Ali, Concussion, there's so many movies you could have referenced. | ||
| But Chris Rock is a written comic. | ||
| He goes over material really well, so he's not like a riffer. | ||
| Big J is a different experience. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But I'm sure he had some B-Squad jokes back in his pocket. | ||
| I mean, I could do it, and he could do it. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| If I knew what I could say. | ||
| This ain't a normal comic. | ||
| This is Chris Rock. | ||
| He would eviscerate him. | ||
| He's from Bed-Stuy. | ||
| He's got nine brothers. | ||
| Yeah, if it was at a comedy club... | ||
| It would be gloves off. | ||
| Isn't it also an indication that that's a bad place to do comedy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| It's a corporate gig. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's the upside? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| He's like, oh, am I even allowed? | ||
| Like, what if you get a heckler at a fucking Lexus convention? | ||
| Can you go off on them? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I got heckled opening for Seinfeld. | ||
| My hands were tied. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Oh, easy there, numbskull. | ||
| You know, I couldn't say anything because you have to be clean. | ||
| I went to visit Nate. | ||
| He was doing a corporate for whatever, some company in Vegas. | ||
| So I went and it was like, shitty, it's all these fucking workers there with each other. | ||
| And it's like a bad gig. | ||
| And then when he gets off, he's like... | ||
| Let's go play Private Table. | ||
| That's just for money. | ||
| Let's go have fun. | ||
| You did... | ||
| You opened with Nate? | ||
| No. | ||
| I went to hang out with him. | ||
| I was going to say, I went to hang out with him. | ||
| It was Nate and Kathleen Madigan and a magician and Wayne Brady. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Damn, Wayne Brady probably murders. | ||
| Clean as the clean. | ||
| I haven't heard that guy's name in a long time. | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| Shared a manager for a while. | ||
| I bet he murders. | ||
| He seems like a fun guy. | ||
| He was great on Chappelle's show. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| He was fun on that. | ||
| He could make fun of himself. | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| Oh, you know what he does? | ||
| There's a show. | ||
| Let's Make a Deal. | ||
| That show, Let's Make a Deal. | ||
| Oh, he's still doing that? | ||
| Wow, he's been doing that for like 15 years then, right? | ||
| That's good money. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| When it started, I was working in a car garage in Philly. | ||
| Quit bragging. | ||
| And it was always on the TV. Every morning, that show, dude, I watched that show every day. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| For three years, I watched that fucking show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'd be like, I gotta make a change to my life. | ||
| I used to watch Price is Right every day. | ||
| How long has he been on that show? | ||
| It's not that long. | ||
| I want to say it's 15 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet it's 8 or 7. Is it still going? | |
| I think they might have even started doing it in Vegas. | ||
| Well, pull it up. | ||
| It started in 2009. I bet he's a good hang. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I'll tell you a story. | ||
| 12 years. | ||
| 13 years. | ||
| This is not happening? | ||
| So it's my job to go over with the comedians. | ||
| Like, hey, what are you doing? | ||
| Do you need help? | ||
| Do you need me to come watch your set and give you tips and stuff? | ||
| And say whether there's weak spots or whether there's not. | ||
| Real comics, I wouldn't. | ||
| Not even real comics. | ||
| Like, Norman, I'm like, you're covered. | ||
| Diaz, whatever you want, man. | ||
| Just come in. | ||
| Here's the time to be there. | ||
| But some guys, you go over them. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Especially people who don't know the show. | ||
| So I had to call him. | ||
| They were like, he can only do a call this time. | ||
| And I called him. | ||
| I was like, hey, glad you're doing the show. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| So this is the show. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do you have experience with, like, Like, live performance? | ||
| He goes, do you know who the fuck I am? | ||
| Yeah, I do live performance. | ||
| And then he pulled out of it. | ||
| That's fair, though. | ||
| He pulled out of the show. | ||
| He was like, I'm not doing this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was like, he was never going to try. | ||
| That would bother me, though. | ||
| He pulled out of the show because you asked him if you've ever done live performance? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was, like, nervous. | |
| I was nervous to talk to him. | ||
| I was like, I liked you on Whose Line Is It Anyway? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| But that was live performance. | ||
| How could you imagine that he doesn't do live performance? | ||
| Because I guess he does live shows. | ||
| He does improv and stuff. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'm just trying to say, like, it started. | ||
| So I'm like, so here's the show. | ||
| You can say whatever you want. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'll protect you with the editing. | ||
| And he... | ||
| He was not in the mood. | ||
| You could just tell he was like... | ||
| You know the stories when you're on the road of, like, who's the worst at morning radio? | ||
| You ask the person taking you, and they're like, oh, this guy hates it. | ||
| And you're like, oh, they hate it because they think they're bigger than this. | ||
| It was like, he doesn't want to talk to some guy he's never heard of about how to do his fucking... | ||
| I think you missed out there, because I bet he'd have... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wouldn't it be great to hear some crazy story about him getting cracked, blowing his ass or something? | |
| Yeah, your stupid fucking question ruined everything. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Nice going, dumbass. | ||
| Have you tried to bring that show back somewhere else? | ||
| After I do this next special, I feel like I'm going to do it. | ||
| How good was that? | ||
| Killer! | ||
| How good was that storytelling show? | ||
| At the Gramercy? | ||
| So I like to do it secret lineup, where it's like, every time I give you a great show, Tell the lineup. | ||
| Tell the people at home. | ||
| So, first out the gate, I was like, alright, here's a great show. | ||
| I haven't told you. | ||
| Sold out Gramercy just on this is the show. | ||
| It's coming back. | ||
| What was the date? | ||
| What was the date? | ||
| February 15th? | ||
| February, something like that. | ||
| And I was like, alright guys, I do my story. | ||
| I always try to go up top, do something strong. | ||
| And then I was like, alright, please welcome first comic. | ||
| Shane Gillis. | ||
| They don't know what they're getting. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| And that was the fun part, because I'm not used to a pop. | ||
| So that pop, I was like... | ||
| This is gonna be fun! | ||
| I passed you and I was like, right? | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Even the Asians went nuts. | ||
| It was Shane Gillis. | ||
| Who was next? | ||
| Shane Gillis. | ||
| Tim Dillon. | ||
| Chris DiStefano. | ||
| Sal Vulcano had to step in because Norman had to fucking run away to a spot and come back. | ||
| I had to get a spot in. | ||
| It was around the corner. | ||
| You won that fucking Vespa thing? | ||
| No, that got stolen. | ||
| Again? | ||
| Well, fun fact, by the way, just to interject here, that got stolen. | ||
| My friend found it in Chinatown, covered up. | ||
| I saw the video. | ||
| He stole it back. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He walked into the police station. | ||
| I picked it up a week later from the police station. | ||
| I was on the road. | ||
| And the guy goes, it's like eight cops milling about. | ||
| He goes, you sound familiar. | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| He goes, were you on Legion of Skanks? | ||
| I go, oh yeah, a few times. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| We love Legion of Skanks! | ||
| All the cops do this shirt. | ||
| They're doing the hand motion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're doing the symbol. | |
| What is the hand symbol? | ||
| It's this. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It's a skank hands. | ||
| It's skank hands. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's their logo. | ||
| What is skank hands? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It's a Legion of Skanks logo. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Imagine it. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| NYP. What the fuck are you wearing on? | ||
| Do you have a shirt, dude? | ||
| A Legion of Skanks shirt? | ||
| Yeah, I got my first shirt from Skankfest 1. You got three layers on there? | ||
| Damn, you must be sweating. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You fool. | ||
| He gets belligerent when he gets drunk. | ||
| 13 beers in. | ||
| 13 beers in. | ||
| What are you guys talking about, dude? | ||
| I'm just trying to have a good time. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Oh, he's gonna hate this. | ||
| Oh, a pedophile shirt? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I sold this at Skankfest 1. Wow. | ||
| They sold like hotcakes. | ||
| They really did. | ||
| But yeah, so we got the bike back. | ||
| But yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was always on foot that night. | ||
| Who else was on that show? | ||
| DeStefano. | ||
| Samarill. | ||
| Samarill. | ||
| And somebody else. | ||
| You. | ||
| Sal jumped in for you. | ||
| DeStefano. | ||
| It was what a fucking night. | ||
| And then we closed it out. | ||
| That's a great fucking show. | ||
| R.S. Fier's renamed storyteller show is back, and it was a banger. | ||
| That's what you've been running with. | ||
| Renamed Storyteller Show. | ||
| Who knows what I'll call it, but we should do it again. | ||
| Maybe at the new club, Joe. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Hitting them with a fucking no lineup. | ||
| Every time it's a pop. | ||
| Because they'd be happy with just a good show. | ||
| And then they get a guy, not only a guy they know, but an amazing comic that they know. | ||
| It's so fun to hear that pop from the audience. | ||
| To give that audience, like, hey, thanks for coming. | ||
| Here's your reward. | ||
| And I thought the story I told, I was like, I don't know if this is funny. | ||
| And then it killed, and I was like, oh, nice. | ||
| It's a closer. | ||
| Now I got a closer. | ||
| Now you got a bit. | ||
| I told to Tim also. | ||
| Tim had a great one. | ||
| And then we did a Q&A at the end, and Sal went in the crowd with a mic and was asking people questions. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| It all worked out. | ||
| It all came together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Yeah, Tim, after that, called our agent, we had the same agent, and he was like, hey, get me in the Gramercy more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then Tim showed us his Long Island house. | ||
| How many seats is the Gramercy? | ||
| 400. Oh, it's perfect. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| 425. Yeah. | ||
| We were talking last night, like, if you had to choose between you could do an arena anytime you want, or you could do a 500-seat room for the rest of time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah, 500. 280. Yeah, but I mean, that's as big as you get. | |
| You never get any bigger than 500, or you could do arenas, but only arenas. | ||
| I would say no way. | ||
| No way what? | ||
| No way I would do only arenas. | ||
| Areas are wild. | ||
| I can't even imagine. | ||
| It's not comedy. | ||
| It's comedy. | ||
| Well, it's a presentation more. | ||
| It's a different style. | ||
| It's not a vibe. | ||
| It's not an interaction. | ||
| What have you done, like, arenas-wise? | ||
| I did the Garden a couple times. | ||
| Who'd you do that with? | ||
| Schumer, Louie, and then I did Carnegie Hall. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| The most iconic. | ||
| Yeah, I did the Forum, did the fucking hockey arena in Detroit. | ||
| I've done a good run. | ||
| You just don't like it as much. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| It's a cool experience. | ||
| I did a show with O'Neal. | ||
| We did the Vic in Chicago. | ||
| I'll be back in June. | ||
| How is that? | ||
| And you'll be there, too. | ||
| I'm there in June. | ||
| You'll be there the day before me. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| June 17th, June 18th. | ||
| I'll promote. | ||
| Okay, thanks. | ||
| Come back and see this old guy. | ||
| We sold it out like three days before. | ||
| Come see this fucking dead geezer. | ||
| And they go, do you want to do another one? | ||
| I'm like, there's no time. | ||
| There's no time to sell another one. | ||
| So instead we did Zany's, which is like an 80-seat room. | ||
| So we went from that 1,200-seat room to an 80-seat room. | ||
| It was so wildly different. | ||
| It was so interesting, the change. | ||
| Well, it was a change just from the rooms in the store. | ||
| Just the 400 in the main room, 190 in the OR, and then 90 upstairs. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Big fucking difference is the way it feels. | ||
| The thing about those 90-seat rooms, it's like a truth serum. | ||
| You find out what's bullshit in your act. | ||
| You can kind of get away with a lot of nonsense when there's a large crowd. | ||
| When it's a small crowd, everything that you say that sounds insincere sounds like fucking dirt crumbling out of your mouth. | ||
| It just seems terrible. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No fluidity to it. | ||
| It just seems... | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I think I said this on the last ep, but the booze is kicking. | ||
| No one remembers. | ||
| I saw Bill Burr do a bit in the belly room, and it was like, eh. | ||
| And then he went to the OR, and it did okay, and then he did it in the main room, and it killed, but he tweaked it the whole way. | ||
| And it was like a master class in comedy. | ||
| So Burr said to me when it was in New York, he goes, if you use that right, you're going to see how crazy good it is for you. | ||
| Yeah, all in one building. | ||
| You do six shows in a night and you just like tweak, tweak, tweak, tweak until it's like there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right away you get the fucking reps. | ||
| This is a gay burr story. | ||
| This is funny though. | ||
| I love a gay burr. | ||
| Spitting his ass? | ||
| No, it's about me. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He's spitting yours? | ||
| It's more of a me thing. | ||
| Correct. | ||
| Of all the dudes I met, like after you get canceled by, and like people know your name, they've never seen you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chappelle, like we went and hung out. | ||
| Like everybody, Louis, we all hung out and talked. | ||
| Burr was the one guy he went and saw me, he followed me at the stand. | ||
| The only thing he said to me, I got done to go, ah, you're funny, you're gonna be fine. | ||
| It was like, like fully, fully like he watched it to be like, who is this guy? | ||
| As soon as I walked in that tiny hallway at the stand. | ||
| Ah, you're funny. | ||
| You're gonna be fine. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| He told Jay when Jay couldn't afford to go to the Maui festival because he couldn't afford to miss in-town spots for the 200 bucks he was making. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maui? | |
| Maui had a festival? | ||
| Yeah, one year. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| That's when we saw that fight. | ||
| Yeah, but Jay was at the end of his rope. | ||
| He's like, how am I not making... | ||
| He's as funny as he is, and he's like, I'm barely getting by. | ||
| And Burr had to calm down. | ||
| He's like, dude, the pendulum will swing to alt. | ||
| It'll swing back. | ||
| And when it swings back to mainstream, you will be so prepared. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It's doing great now. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| Funny tends to win. | ||
| Funny is like, yeah, bottom line. | ||
| It's also your ability to promote funny is so much different than ever before. | ||
| With social media, there's all these channels. | ||
| You remember the old days we used to do morning radio? | ||
| You had to. | ||
| You had to. | ||
| They had to know you were in town. | ||
| There was only one way for them to find out you were in town. | ||
| You had to do Chucky and Bucky's fucking morning shit bucket. | ||
| I'm still doing those. | ||
| I am too. | ||
| Do they work? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Everybody always says some markets. | ||
| I mean, Burt does them. | ||
| Yeah, but Burt does everything. | ||
| No, there's a few that still work. | ||
| You have to ask them, like, does this actually move tickets? | ||
| And they go, I don't know. | ||
| Then no. | ||
| I did Rochester. | ||
| I did the, what's it called? | ||
| The Blue Room? | ||
| No, that's insane. | ||
| That's in Missouri. | ||
| Rochester's Carlson. | ||
| Comedy to Carlson. | ||
| So I did it. | ||
| They made me do a fucking Zoom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zoom? | |
| I did that too. | ||
| Dude, I did a zoom to local news. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| They're like, Sean Gillis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was just in my hotel room like, hey! | ||
| He was so bad. | ||
| Sean Gillis. | ||
| And I was like, this will never work. | ||
| This will never work. | ||
| We get to the club. | ||
| The owner's there. | ||
| The first thing I said on stage, I was like, how many of you guys saw me on fucking WKPM? Yeah. | ||
| Not one. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Can we stop doing it? | ||
| And he was like, yeah, for sure, never again. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| Dude, I had to do local news on a Zoom hungover in a chair. | ||
| You know the chair in the hotel room? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The disgusting office chair. | ||
| The greatest thing that ever happened to those TV shows was when Tom Segura came up with that DJ dad mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he would show up. | ||
| Because he'd already sold out all his shows. | ||
| That was when Tom was starting to pop. | ||
| So they made him do it anyway because it was contractually obligated to have the comics show up at the TV show. | ||
| So he would show up with a gold chain on and come out as non-binary. | ||
| And they didn't know what to do with him. | ||
| You ever see those? | ||
| I have, yeah. | ||
| He's like, I'm not using you to sell tickets. | ||
| I'm using you to sell tickets next year. | ||
| This will be on YouTube. | ||
| You got some great ones. | ||
| Oh yeah, Norman has some great ones. | ||
| I had a good run off that. | ||
| You shared it. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| Yeah, you had some good ones. | ||
| That one helped me a lot. | ||
| I've done all these Conans in late nights. | ||
| Not a needle moved. | ||
| That thing. | ||
| Big punk, dude. | ||
| Yeah, those late night things don't work anymore. | ||
| Tracy Morgan is one of those most iconic clips. | ||
| Everybody's about to get pregnant. | ||
| It's like, I don't even know when we get pregnant. | ||
| He's slapping his stomach. | ||
| Bobby Lee, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| How many guys, Bert, every time Bert would take off his shirt, those things, I mean, he sells a lot of tickets. | ||
| The crazy thing about Bert and the shirt thing is nobody can take their shirt off on stage now. | ||
| He owns that. | ||
| He owns that. | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| He owns that. | ||
| If Shane, if you just started, oh, I'm going to start taking my shirt off on stage, I'm more comfortable that way, Burt would get mad at you. | ||
| Shane would never. | ||
| He'd go, hey. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| Hey, that's my idea. | ||
| I'm not built like Burt, dude. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Burt's an Adonis. | ||
| I'd be like a sloppy fat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Take your shirt off and be like, people would be like, nah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait. | |
| Yeah, this is upsetting. | ||
| Do you think Burt is not a sloppy fat? | ||
| Yeah, that's so weird. | ||
| He's a hard fat. | ||
| No, he's an absolute hard fat. | ||
| He looks pregnant. | ||
| That's just alcohol. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's pushed out as far as we can go. | ||
| I think if he wasn't fat, he would be in worse health. | ||
| Sorry, I'm drunk. | ||
| He'd be in worse health. | ||
| I think the fat is helping him. | ||
| Get one more whiskey. | ||
| You should be a doctor. | ||
| I think if he was thin, he'd be ruined. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I think you're doing good, fat. | ||
| I think fat is where you shine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| Look out for the big girls. | ||
| Yeah, they're coming. | ||
| 14 beers in. | ||
| I am astounded. | ||
| He's crazy, dude. | ||
| He's going to destroy Australia. | ||
| He's going to bury the whole country. | ||
| You're going to have a blast. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| UK in May. | ||
| See how they drink? | ||
| That should be fun. | ||
| This is all light beer, dude. | ||
| The second we switch to IPAs. | ||
| Oh, IPAs are evil. | ||
| Dude, I black out after like two. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| How much alcohol is in a light beer? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I thought it was a calorie thing. | ||
| Is it alcohol by volume as well? | ||
| That's water. | ||
| Dude, you can't drink 14-anythings. | ||
| You can? | ||
| I can't drink 14 Pepsis. | ||
| How the fuck can you drink 14 of those, man? | ||
| That's a lot of water. | ||
| That's a lot of it. | ||
| I may have diabetes. | ||
| I probably do have diabetes. | ||
| If you drink 14 water, it's gonna be a lot. | ||
| I'll never check. | ||
| I'll never go to the doctor. | ||
| Don't check if you have diabetes. | ||
| I'm never going to the doctor. | ||
| Don't go. | ||
| That's how you get diabetes is by checking. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| You ever see Warren Zevon go on Letterman? | ||
| No. | ||
| I like him. | ||
| Yeah, I never went to the doctor. | ||
| I showed up once. | ||
| They were like, you got lung cancer. | ||
| He was like, fuck the doctors. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude, I went to an allergist because I knew I was going to get fucked up. | ||
| The last, like, three years, I get destroyed by allergies. | ||
| I get in there, they check my blood pressure, they're like, you alright? | ||
| I was like, what the fuck is this, dude? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| That's the worst part about going to the doctor. | ||
| They're like, how much do you weigh? | ||
| You're like, 240. They're like, alright, let's weigh you. | ||
| Like, no, no, I'll take my work for you. | ||
| Like, why don't you ask me after you? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Why you asking? | ||
| Just weigh me. | ||
| They're like, 268. It's like, alright. | ||
| Let's weigh you. | ||
| Well, I was fibbing. | ||
| Fibbing. | ||
| Hey, Bert told me he'd finally give me the fucking Molly cast to release. | ||
| The who? | ||
| The MDMA cast. | ||
| You gonna let that out? | ||
| Yeah, he said he'd give it to me and let me put it up. | ||
| I don't think he's giving you that. | ||
| Is it his show? | ||
| He recorded it, yeah. | ||
| He's not giving you that. | ||
| Molly rules. | ||
| Is he forgiving you for all that? | ||
| Yeah, but he still loves to fucking say how fucking victimized he was on every podcast he goes on. | ||
| A dork. | ||
| I'm bummed I missed that hang. | ||
| I got caught in traffic. | ||
| We had a dose for you. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Were you gonna dose him without telling him to? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How would you have thought about that? | ||
| I was hanging out in LA. I'm on vacation. | ||
| So you're fine getting dosed? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bring it on. | ||
| Now you know. | ||
| Yeah, if you get hit with Molly, it's like, oh shit, you just hit me with the best time of all time. | ||
| You're getting Molly from Ari, who's getting it from some comic, who's probably getting it from a gangbanger. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Who knows what's in it? | ||
| You can get it from Kate Quigley, I'll take it. | ||
| It's something I've never done with Molly. | ||
| Where are you getting your Molly from? | ||
| Are you testing it for purity? | ||
| The best source in New York! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I gotta do it once every year. | ||
| I do it once a month. | ||
| Easy there, old man. | ||
| I was doing it for a minute. | ||
| I was doing it over COVID. I was doing it once every two weeks. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| You were doing it all the time. | ||
| I was doing a show at Helium. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Yeah, you did Molly at that. | ||
| You did Molly at a show? | ||
| That was bad. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| I had to get out of there. | ||
| It was the first time I ever did Molly and Jay brought me back on stage. | ||
| It was ugly. | ||
| So we ordered Molly, and they kind of peer pressured us into doing it. | ||
| And Jay, I took Molly. | ||
| I was like, I never take Molly in my life. | ||
| Shane goes for it. | ||
| Shane will go for it. | ||
| And Jay was like, Shane, come back out on stage. | ||
| As soon as he said that, I was in the green room. | ||
| Dude, it hit immediately. | ||
| I went on stage just like... | ||
| Sweating. | ||
| I was like, guys, I can't even talk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, genuinely, I can't speak. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I was like, guys, I'm on ecstasy. | ||
| But that was the best. | ||
| I'm spitting coffee on myself. | ||
| Sloss got Kai Humphries. | ||
| He's Scottish, Northern English comics. | ||
| And he dosed him with Molly. | ||
| And they're watching him on stage host his show. | ||
| And they're just watching him get more and more fucked up. | ||
| And be like, oh, what a great show. | ||
| You guys are amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's awesome. | |
| And they're all laughing backstage. | ||
| And he gets off stage and they're all ready to laugh. | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| Idiots, you think this is the first time I've been dosed with Molly? | ||
| You don't think I know what's in my system suddenly? | ||
| It's been so long. | ||
| That was years ago when I did it. | ||
| Was it two years ago, three years ago? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it was COVID. It was two years ago, okay. | |
| I took a bus ride home that night. | ||
| That was the craziest thing on it. | ||
| That you didn't stay over. | ||
| I just panicked. | ||
| I get it, because we were surrounded by Jay's minions. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So it was like, alright, let's get the fuck out. | ||
| Anytime I took Molly at that show, I would go sit in the manager's office by myself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Anytime I took Molly at that show was a hilarious statement. | ||
| How many times did you take Molly at it? | ||
| Many times yes, many times no. | ||
| It was a great show. | ||
| It was such a good show. | ||
| It was a good show, and the bus ride was great. | ||
| And we were the only ones doing it, because it was in the middle of COVID. Right. | ||
| Helium would just let us do it. | ||
| And Grossman was like, stay, stay as long as you want. | ||
| Oh, dude, we would stay until 5am. | ||
| What was he doing? | ||
| Was he testing people? | ||
| Was he just letting anybody in? | ||
| How'd he do it? | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
At Helium during the middle of COVID? No, dude. | |
| I don't think testing... | ||
| If you could fill it up. | ||
| Spaced it out. | ||
| Yeah, you spaced it out. | ||
| That shit does not work at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not at all. | |
| No glass or anything. | ||
| That six feet thing, that's so crazy. | ||
| You get 180 people indoors going... | ||
| I was like, how's that going to work? | ||
| That was disproven. | ||
| Totally disproven. | ||
| Yeah, but there was also, there was no precedent. | ||
| There was no like, do you guys have vaxes? | ||
| There was no vax. | ||
| When time goes by and we look back on the time during COVID of stand-up and trying to do stand-up during COVID and what Bert did when he did the drive-in theaters and what we all did with podcasts and It's fucking crazy. | ||
| Roofs, rooftops, parking lots. | ||
| The New York City five to ten year comic scene just said, we're not going away, we'll create shows. | ||
| In LA, they wouldn't let them. | ||
| They wouldn't let them do outside shows. | ||
| It's one of the worst things about the way they handled, you know, for comedy, the pandemic. | ||
| They wouldn't even let them do outside shows. | ||
| It's like they were trying to kill comedy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I thought, I don't know, when New York did the whole fucking upstairs show, like rooftop shows, it was like, I'll just do the road. | ||
| I'll just go do the states. | ||
| The states that don't care. | ||
| Yeah, I did both. | ||
| Florida, Texas. | ||
| New York Comedy Club's rooftop was great. | ||
| Tiny Cupboard was great. | ||
| Well, I did Texas in July of 2020 with Brian Moses and Hinchcliffe. | ||
| We did the improv in Houston. | ||
| It was fucking great. | ||
| And we were flying back, and we were like, you know what? | ||
| We're back. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| We're doing comedy. | ||
| But then I got back to my podcast studio, and I got so Super-duper high. | ||
| And I thought, oh my god, what if I killed somebody? | ||
| What if I gave COVID someone? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Nice person who came on my show, and I give it to them, and I'm like, it's too risky. | ||
| And they give it to their dad. | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| But then they started having, like, real testing. | ||
| And then testing came around. | ||
| And when we came here, we have nurses. | ||
| We test every fucking day, and then we did these shows at Stubbs, the outside shows. | ||
| And the outside shows that I was doing with Dave were fucking amazing, and I was like, wow, this is the way we can do comedy. | ||
| We can do it this way. | ||
| Everybody gets tested. | ||
| We have a COVID bubble. | ||
| But then we did one show at the Vulcan on a Thursday night in December, and it was packed. | ||
| There was no social distancing. | ||
| Everybody was hammered. | ||
| It was like a regular show. | ||
| And Ron White went up there and fucking murdered. | ||
| He hadn't done any comedy in like eight months. | ||
| He was saying he was retired. | ||
| Basically, I'm retired. | ||
| I'm going to sail my boat. | ||
| I'm going to sail my plane. | ||
| I'm going to fucking play golf. | ||
| Like, you know, he's a shit ton of money. | ||
| He's done it all. | ||
| And he's like, I'm done. | ||
| And then Tony was like, we're going to do this show Thursday night. | ||
| You should come on and just do a set. | ||
| Just do 10 minutes. | ||
| Ron White goes up there and annihilates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Annihilates. | |
| And then I'm walking towards the stage I was on after him, he grabs me by his shoulder and goes, we're gonna keep doing this! | ||
| No matter what the fuck happens! | ||
| We're gonna keep doing this! | ||
| That was the best part. | ||
| That was the best part of COVID. It was like, you go into, like, the first time I did a full room was hyenas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In Texas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So exciting. | |
| Because I was up north where it was all shit. | ||
| And then you go into hyenas and you walk into a room and you're like... | ||
| You're scared? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You're like, holy shit, this is crazy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, I'm not, like, afraid of COVID, but, like, you guys are fucking crazy. | ||
| When we did Vulcan, Vulcan was the perfect, because it was jammed. | ||
| There was, like, 290 people in there, low ceiling, a lot of fucking hard surfaces, so the echo, I was like, oh my god, this is way better than outside comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of course. | |
| Outside comedy is I saw Burr outside in Dripping Springs in the middle of the pandemic and he fucking killed. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| People were happy to be out too. | ||
| I was happy to be out. | ||
| It was a great It's a great show, don't get me wrong. | ||
| But that same show, put a roof over it, people would've had fucking strokes. | ||
| Forget about it. | ||
| We were all hanging out at Central Park once, you might have been there with Liz and everything, and Louie showed up, and Sarah, Joseph's wife, had to go across Central Park to do an outside show under a tree. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| And he goes, I can't... | ||
| Louie was like, I can't... | ||
| Just inside where the laughs are bouncing off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just want that back. | |
| You wouldn't do Hamilton outside. | ||
| It just doesn't work. | ||
| It's any performance. | ||
| It's not just comedy. | ||
| I did those parking lot shows where they'd flash the beams and then they'd honk. | ||
| If you really killed, you got the wipers. | ||
| But they were brutal. | ||
| But you just had to get out of the house. | ||
| You had to kind of do comedy. | ||
| It's better than no comedy. | ||
| The best thing was at the stand, the front patio, you guys all did it, right? | ||
| And it was just like... | ||
| The show was whatever, but then afterwards was hanging out with the tail and you guys just staying out there for four hours to like, oh, we're friends again. | ||
| Yeah, but all you had to do was the road. | ||
| And you would never, dude, I was in states that didn't care. | ||
| Texas, Florida. | ||
| Dude, all of it. | ||
| Florida never cared. | ||
| Florida never cared once. | ||
| And then I would drive or fly home And then all of a sudden you'd land and be like, oh shit, there's a pandemic. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Like you would land and be like, oh, this is scary. | ||
| But meanwhile, you look at like Florida where you adjust for age, they didn't do any worse than anybody else did that locked down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a respiratory illness. | ||
| People get it. | ||
| They're going to get it. | ||
| The best thing anybody could have ever done is like take care of yourself and seek medical help immediately upon catching it. | ||
| Get a good doctor, get good treatment if you're lucky. | ||
| This is all pre-vaccination, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But locking people down didn't do shit. | ||
| It didn't help. | ||
| But you gotta give New York... | ||
| New York's an exemption. | ||
| Fuck New York. | ||
| You heard me. | ||
| I'm not offended. | ||
| It was the worst city in the world. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| LA was just as bad. | ||
| At least New York let you do outside shows already. | ||
| LA was worse. | ||
| I'm saying in March or April of 2020, it was the worst city for COVID in the world. | ||
| So it was like, oh, just the numbers were crazy there. | ||
| China was like, no, we're done with COVID. And so it was like, oh shit, what do we got to do? | ||
| So I get why it was on our minds, but then we started doing outside shows. | ||
| Yeah, but also New York, if at the beginning New York was like, fuck it, it's not real. | ||
| You know how many old fucking Jews would have died? | ||
| That would have been a hell. | ||
| It's funny you said that because the Orthodox Jewish community... | ||
| Hasidic. | ||
| Was it Hasidic? | ||
| They didn't give a shit. | ||
| They didn't stop doing anything. | ||
| They were partying, dude. | ||
| They were getting arrested. | ||
| Yeah, they kept inbreeding. | ||
| It wasn't Orthodox or just the Hasidics? | ||
| The Hasidics were the one group in New York that were like, no. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| It's so weird because they try to make it a redneck thing, but then there's also these other vibes that don't quite fit in. | ||
| Hasidics, or the crystal people in Berkeley, who are also anti-vax. | ||
| The hippies! | ||
| You try to make it one thing, or the Joe Rogan fans are all meatheads. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There's psychedelic heads, and there's meatheads, and there's all these different styles. | ||
| You want to make it one thing, but it's not. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| We do that. | ||
| We try to put everything in a bin. | ||
| That's the internet. | ||
| Well, that was highlighted in that movie, The Social Dilemma. | ||
| I mean, what's going on with this division that people are experiencing right now. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| We were talking about what happened during the pandemic when everybody was at each other's throats. | ||
| That's part of it is that what you said is perfect, that now they're forced to be online. | ||
| They're online way more, so it's hitting them even harder. | ||
| And you got the anxiety of the pandemic, and then you got a lot of people's careers were disappearing. | ||
| A lot of people's livelihood, all their savings, and then you're worried about dying from a fucking infectious disease that was probably made in a lab. | ||
| And you're like, holy shit, is this real? | ||
| Let me ask you a question I've never got. | ||
| It's also fun to say probably. | ||
| Yeah, when I hear about this. | ||
| It was. | ||
| We can say it's made in a lab, we can't say it's made in a lab, now we can say it's made in a lab. | ||
| Now you can. | ||
| What is the benefit or negative of being able to say it's in a lab or not? | ||
| I'll answer that. | ||
| Here's the truth. | ||
| If you say it was made in a lab, somebody needs to be held accountable. | ||
| And the dudes that are in power that should be held accountable are like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That's the only reason? | ||
| Some Chinese guy ate a fucking armadillo. | ||
| No, there's no solid, direct proof. | ||
| There's a lot of anecdotal evidence. | ||
| There's a lot of evidence. | ||
| There's a lot of emails back and forth. | ||
| There's a lot of shit that points to that lab in Wuhan. | ||
| A lot of shit. | ||
| There's a lot of lying about what is and what isn't, gain-of-function research, and whether or not they were doing it, whether or not they were funding it. | ||
| They most fucking certainly were. | ||
| And they continue to fund it. | ||
| What do liberals have to gain by saying it was not made in love? | ||
| Because it's on the team. | ||
| Their team at the top is Fauci, who's absolutely connected. | ||
| And he says it's not, so now we all know it's not. | ||
| To the lab that made the fucking thing. | ||
| But then they call it racist if you call it the Kung Flu or whatever, but then Asian people are getting beat up and nobody talks about that. | ||
| Well, because it's black people beating up the Asians. | ||
| Black homeless people. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's like, do you really care or not? | ||
| Do you really give a shit? | ||
| I don't want to ruin Chappelle's joke. | ||
| Do you ever hear that one? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Where he's like, I got COVID in my immune system. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| His immune system was black dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And the COVID came in and it was Asians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, shut up. | |
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Well, I mean, that was the joke. | ||
| The amount of violence that has escalated in cities like New York. | ||
| I ruined it. | ||
| I mean, the amount of violence that's escalated in New York is off the charts, right? | ||
| It's, like, way higher than it's ever been in the last, like, ten years or so. | ||
| But I'm saying there's a lot of that... | ||
| Austin. | ||
| ...performative shit. | ||
| Mutters are up in Austin at record levels. | ||
| Austin's out of control, dude. | ||
| It's these fucking... | ||
| They have gang shootings. | ||
| Yeah, on 6th Street, dude. | ||
| I think crime across the country is way up, and New York crime is up at a lower rate than the rest of the country. | ||
| They just hit random fucking dudes. | ||
| New York is at the lower rate of rise than the rest of the country? | ||
| Lower rate of rise, yeah. | ||
| It's higher, but not as high as other places. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Los Angeles is off the charts. | ||
| With gang? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| Well, not just gang, it's just break-ins, you know, people robbing people. | ||
| How about those San Francisco lootings, like the group lootings? | ||
| Dude, you just walk into a fucking Gucci. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Flash mob. | ||
| Wow, what a great idea. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| And then you're a security guard. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| This is where I sat there at Broken Shows in Calgary. | ||
| I was like, hey guys, they won't let you smoke weed, but if you all light up, they can't do shit. | ||
| How are they going to stop you? | ||
| They're going to stop the show. | ||
| That's what they'll do. | ||
| The weird thing is that they didn't anticipate that people would just walk into Walgreens and steal $900 worth of shit if you made it. | ||
| Make it illegal to steal a thousand. | ||
| If you make it public. | ||
| It's just like, hey, here's the limit. | ||
| You don't pick it up. | ||
| Those kiosks where they have internet access and stuff like that. | ||
| Like, oh, this is cool. | ||
| Tourists can be able to plug in their phone and get internet access. | ||
| And it's like, oh, it's just a homeless encampment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, we didn't consider that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But again, it's a performance. | ||
| Because like you say, you care about people. | ||
| When the rubber meets the road, fat people are dying. | ||
| But you can't say lose weight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's just this weird thing of like, do you care or not? | ||
| Have you really cared? | ||
| The left is the party of the gesture. | ||
| They love saying they're for something, but not actually doing anything. | ||
| They love just saying, like, look what I support. | ||
| But it's like, what have you done to get that? | ||
| Yeah, you can say it. | ||
| How much is saying it changing anything other than just saying it? | ||
| And they're literally doing nothing different than the Republicans. | ||
| Right, in terms of, like, globally. | ||
| Well, they are doing things different in terms of oil. | ||
| And that's part of the problem. | ||
| We should go nuclear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Love nuclear. | ||
| I mean, what's the hold up there? | ||
| Well, people have an association with nuclear disasters. | ||
| They have an association with Three Mile Island, Fukushima, Chernobyl. | ||
| 717, let's go. | ||
| As if a coal mine has never fallen through. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| As if what? | ||
| As if a coal mine has never fallen through. | ||
| No one's ever died. | ||
| Nobody died at TMI. Exactly. | ||
| TMI. Three Mile Island. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| TMI. I was like, what? | ||
| Too much information? | ||
| Where I'm from? | ||
| That's TMI. They know how to make way better nuclear reactors now than they ever did before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| They're so much better at these power plants. | ||
| They can make them with multiple fail-safes so that if anything goes down, everything's protected and they can get them back online. | ||
| The one they did in Fukushima was like from the 1970s or something. | ||
| Dude, Fukushima is a fucking nightmare. | ||
| It's a mess. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you can't go. | ||
| Still? | ||
| Like, they can't clean it up. | ||
| Can you go to Chernobyl or no still? | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| The Russians are in Chernobyl right now, shooting bulletproof wolves. | ||
| And then they got out of there. | ||
| Oh, Chernobyl's not in Russia? | ||
| They just got out of there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Russians, I don't know. | ||
| The news I saw was they evacuated Chernobyl. | ||
| What is happening over there? | ||
| No one knows, dude. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| We're getting hit with pure, like... | ||
| The craziest propaganda. | ||
| What propaganda do you think we're getting hit with? | ||
| We're getting hit with, like, we need to make it a no-fly zone. | ||
| We need to shoot down every Russian... | ||
| We're getting hit with that. | ||
| That is wild talk. | ||
| Yeah, that's wild talk, dude. | ||
| That's reckless. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| We shoot down a fucking jet from Russia. | ||
| That's a real problem. | ||
| They're gonna... | ||
| They have hypersonic nukes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We don't have hypersonic nukes. | ||
| Did you see that thing that some Republican, I think Republican senator, was interviewing some, like, a war... | ||
| Oh, they're falling ill. | ||
| They got sick. | ||
| Of course they are, dude. | ||
| It's still radioactive, bro. | ||
| It's still beaming out, radiation. | ||
| It's beaming out for fucking the next hundred thousand years. | ||
| When those places go bad, they're bad forever. | ||
| Did you watch Chernobyl? | ||
| For a thousand years. | ||
| What were you saying? | ||
| I think it's more than that. | ||
| What were you saying, Art? | ||
| lady who's in charge of the war. | ||
| And he goes, can you say positively that if there are, there is no weapons of mass destruction or biological weapons in Ukraine? | ||
| And she goes, because he's leading her to say it for the press. | ||
| And he goes, and she goes, no, I can't say that. | ||
| Yeah, and then they admitted there's like 24 labs. | ||
| Yeah, and then he goes, well, can you say if it is used, it would definitely be the Russians? | ||
| She goes, sure, I'll say that. | ||
| You know what's crazy is they call them biological research labs. | ||
| Now, okay, what is the difference between a biological weapons lab and a biological research lab? | ||
| Like, is there a distinction? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| That's the PR. If you didn't tell me that they existed, and now you're telling me they do exist, and you're calling them a biological research lab, that was always like the crazy right-wing conspiracy theory, was that the Ukrainians have their fucking bioweapons labs, and people are like, shut up, no they don't. | ||
| And they're like, uh, actually we do. | ||
| I distrust the media so much that I'm like, wait, why is Putin going in there? | ||
| I don't believe it's just that it's evil. | ||
| There's got to be an actual other reason. | ||
| But it's evil too. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| He's clearly also poisoning his political ally. | ||
| But it's like 9-11 was because they hate our freedom. | ||
| And then after five years, we're like, wait. | ||
| No, that wasn't it. | ||
| Remember when you guys were dancing in New Jersey? | ||
| I love those dances, dude. | ||
| You put a turban on and never those dances. | ||
| You guys are dancing. | ||
| In the circle. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Such a sick dance. | ||
| I'll give the Jews credit on that one. | ||
| Jews party. | ||
| You got a good dance. | ||
| Every party. | ||
| Everyone can do it. | ||
| You don't have to learn the dance. | ||
| It's just dancing in a circle. | ||
| Jumping up and down on the bleachers and the Jews in the middle. | ||
| You ever see the remakes? | ||
| You get some hip-hop and you have the Jews dancing to the hip-hop? | ||
| Yeah, they're the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're the best. | |
| The best ever. | ||
| Where are you at on the hot seeds? | ||
| Is that weird? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Yeah, it's so nutty. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The extreme part? | ||
| The sex through the sheet? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if that's real. | ||
| I actually support that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's real. | |
| I support Mormons soaking. | ||
| Soaking is great. | ||
| You just stick your dick in and don't move it? | ||
| Don't move it. | ||
| Ooh, I like that. | ||
| It might not come in two seconds. | ||
| You would squirt anyway. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You're going to move a little. | ||
| Dude, if I had a girl that was like, this is part of the program, instead of like, I need to be good at sex, it'd be nice. | ||
| Jackpot, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Orthodox Jews have sex through a sheet. | ||
| This common myth is completely false. | ||
| I will talk about this in my next special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it false? | |
| Is it false? | ||
| Did you do it? | ||
| No, I don't think it is false, right? | ||
| Don't they do it? | ||
| It's true and false. | ||
| It's overpushed, but some people do it. | ||
| What's the thread count? | ||
| It's Egyptian. | ||
| I had a friend, and his girlfriend was Israeli, and she swore that it was a real thing. | ||
| Well, sometimes it's what you hear, so you swear because I heard this. | ||
| It's not a commandment. | ||
| It's a barely done thing, but it's somewhat done. | ||
| But it's not a commandment. | ||
| It comes from, like, we had this prayer shawl. | ||
| It's like a poncho that we were under our shirts, and it's got a hole in it for the neck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What I believe is, people were hanging it up to dry after the wash, and racists would come by and be like, what the fuck is that thing? | ||
| With the white towel. | ||
| Racists? | ||
| And they go, I bet they fucked through that. | ||
| No, is that right? | ||
| Yeah, but also, it is a solid, I think some people do it, to stop yourself from getting distracted by thinking about your wife's naked body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You cover her so you don't have to look at her. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Is that ugly, huh? | ||
| It's debated. | ||
| I don't think it's that. | ||
| They're trying to run away from temptation. | ||
| I see. | ||
| They don't want to enjoy it. | ||
| Those big floppy J-tits. | ||
| I love a J-tit. | ||
| The Jew globes are the best globes. | ||
| You want beer 15? | ||
| We're having a good time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should go to 10 on this. | |
| This is great. | ||
| Yeah, Jewish gals are super hot. | ||
| I like a good J, dude. | ||
| Oh, dude, I was plowing a J back in 2011. Yeah, get to that on Shabbos. | ||
| It was really something. | ||
| She was a soul cycle instructor and a J. Wow. | ||
| Good work ethic. | ||
| And a squirter. | ||
| Oh, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, she peed on you. | ||
| Ah, well, I'll take it. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| That's still so fun. | ||
| R. Kelly me. | ||
| I mean, she was shooting. | ||
| It's definitely a lady peeing, but it's still fun. | ||
| The Amish didn't do shit during COVID either, right? | ||
| Did they ever catch it? | ||
| Don't know. | ||
| Did they have an outbreak, a big outbreak in the Amish community? | ||
| Because they were another group that completely treated COVID as if it was not a thing. | ||
| They weren't doing anything differently than they did before. | ||
| They were very insular, so someone had to get it. | ||
| Death in religion, excess deaths sweep through Amish and Mennonite communities during COVID-19 pandemic. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| Dude, you know what's funny about that? | ||
| I'd like to know where I'm from. | ||
| I'm just reading a title. | ||
| I want to know what the actual meat of the story is. | ||
| Where I'm from is one of those dudes riding around. | ||
| Me and my friends used to drive by and be like, get a car, you dumb motherfuckers. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Lancaster is right next to us. | ||
| So we would always be there, and then every once in a while a fucking tractor trailer would hit a fucking horse with a family, like fucking ten of those motherfuckers. | ||
| You know what's weird? | ||
| I've done shows in Lancaster, and I've seen these Amish kids at like a Wawa, and you're like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| I'm still like a pretzel. | ||
| There's some rules where you're allowed to... | ||
| It's not Amish. | ||
| Mennonite can do way more. | ||
| Mennonite can do it. | ||
| They look pretty scruffy, these kids. | ||
| We had a bunch of Mennonites at my high school. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Ari, do you remember... | ||
| And they stunk. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They would never shower. | ||
| Ari, do you remember we were on the road, and we were at a truck stop, and there was a girl that was wearing some crazy outfit, and you walked up to her, and you go, what is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| You go, what kind of group are you in? | ||
| And she said, I'm a Mennonite. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Yeah, barely. | ||
| We were like Western Massachusetts. | ||
| I wanted to know. | ||
| We were out in the middle of fucking nowhere. | ||
| Was that dumbass fucking Chickabee? | ||
| Was that Chickabee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, something like that. | |
| Worst gig ever. | ||
| Chinese restaurant. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| We take the drive from L.A. and we stop to get gas and food. | ||
| I mean, not from L.A., from Boston, rather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boston, yeah. | |
| Took you a drive from Boston, stopped to get gas and food, and in the middle of nowhere, there's this poor girl in some weird religious outfit. | ||
| He's got vomit. | ||
| And Ari goes, what are you? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What kind of group are you in? | ||
| And she goes, oh, I'm a man in that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, mm. | |
| The best part of that gig, we were leaving, chickpea is this fucking... | ||
| Chinese restaurant. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| Some guy came on stage with me, took a selfie with an old camera. | ||
| And I was like, is anybody going to stop this guy? | ||
| He just sat back down. | ||
| We're leaving. | ||
| We're in the car. | ||
| Tate's there. | ||
| He's never seen a Jew. | ||
| Some fucking 42-year-old chick is like, you guys want to see my tits, don't you? | ||
| And we were all like, no, we don't, ma'am. | ||
| 100% we don't. | ||
| And she goes, you want to see my tits? | ||
| And then she started raising her shirt. | ||
| By here, by her belly button, you could already see tit. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| What are you doing, Harry? | ||
| I didn't know you had a tattoo on your hip. | ||
| Dude, I gotta lose 10 more pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta keep on truckin'. | |
| Arie had a full-on six-pack when we did the Sober October fitness challenge. | ||
| I gotta lose 10 more pounds. | ||
| You look good, dude. | ||
| What do you weigh now? | ||
| 188. I got it to 178. That was what you were when you did Sober October? | ||
| By the end, 75. 75. Shredded. | ||
| What's that tattoo mean? | ||
| Keep on truckin'. | ||
| Oh, just keep on truckin'? | ||
| Yeah, in case you stop truckin' and you wanna keep goin'. | ||
| You need some motivation. | ||
| You gotta look in your hip. | ||
| We did Bonnaroo. | ||
| You were shirtless the whole time. | ||
| You look great. | ||
| I love being with the shirt off. | ||
| Back then, yeah. | ||
| It is fun to have you shirtless. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You can't do it, though. | ||
| Burt would get mad. | ||
| You think Burt would get mad? | ||
| I don't do it on stage. | ||
| What if you did it on stage? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| With hair, too. | ||
| All right, you can achieve that. | ||
| That's good, dude. | ||
| It can be done if you dedicate yourself for many decades. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Is that Leah Thomas? | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| That was the yoga challenge. | ||
| Look, Ari's so mad that I make him go to yoga. | ||
| I hated it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hated it. | |
| Fuck you. | ||
| He was so mad at me. | ||
| Because I can't just let you win, so I had to do it. | ||
| So I was like, fuck you. | ||
| The best was Tom just rented a Lamborghini, and he goes, this is my new car. | ||
| And Bert was so angry on the way home. | ||
| So jealous. | ||
| He already ate a Porsche. | ||
| Why'd you get a fucking Lamborghini? | ||
| I gotta keep up. | ||
| He goes, I gotta do 75 more Instagrams this week. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get being jealous. | ||
| Like, we were at Vulcan last night and Tony was like, you see this? | ||
| I was like... | ||
| It's Corvette? | ||
| That Corvette is the shit. | ||
| I got a 2018 Chevy Cruze. | ||
| I don't even know what a Chevy Cruze is. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| It's Ted Cruz's car. | ||
| It's a shitbox. | ||
| What is a Cruze? | ||
| What's a Chevy Cruze? | ||
| It's like a Ford Focus. | ||
| It's a round car. | ||
| Oh, so it's just a vehicle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what you want. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Chevy Cruze. | ||
| That's a nice vehicle. | ||
| If you're going to kill somebody, that's a car you should drive to the house in. | ||
| Get the interior. | ||
| Jamie, drill a hole in the back. | ||
| In the trunk for fucking sniping? | ||
| Look at that interior. | ||
| That's a nice interior. | ||
| That's a 14 Bud Light car. | ||
| Oh, you can have a couple BLs and drive a fucking cruise. | ||
| You can side swipe a car and be like... | ||
| I gotta go home and eat, and we gotta show in two hours. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| How long have we gone? | ||
| It's 5.30 almost. | ||
| Should we do four hours? | ||
| Yeah, do your dates. | ||
| Tell everybody Ari Shafir or AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| AriShaffir.com, AriTheGreat. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who's AriTheGreat now? | ||
| Does it redirect? | ||
| I just let it go. | ||
| Have it redirect. | ||
| It used to be your website. | ||
| Why don't you have it redirect? | ||
| AriShaffir.com. | ||
| Who's even going to it? | ||
| Some asshole. | ||
| Don't be nasty. | ||
| Storytelling show with this guy, Shane Gillis, Big J. Nate Bargazzi. | ||
| Nate Bargazzi and Sal at the Ryman Auditorium. | ||
| Biggest show we've ever done. | ||
| Great room. | ||
| In Minneapolis and Chicago in June, but I'm taping my next special, Ari Shaffir Jew, in New York City on June 11th and 12th. | ||
| Shane Gillis, what you got going on? | ||
| Give me your dates. | ||
| I'm going to try my best. | ||
| He's only having 16 beers in now. | ||
| Look at that pile of cans. | ||
| It's a good pile, dude. | ||
| I'm gonna take a photo of that. | ||
| That's a record for us. | ||
| This weekend, when's this come out? | ||
| I got me. | ||
| Do it next weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking empty. | |
| When's this come out? | ||
| Tomorrow. | ||
| Alright, nice. | ||
| 7th, 8th and 9th will be at the Palm Beach Improv. | ||
| West Palm's good. | ||
| Shane Gillis.com. | ||
| That's a great club. | ||
| That's a fun club. | ||
| Good Nights. | ||
| Another great club. | ||
| Raleigh, North Carolina. | ||
| Kid Rock's thing. | ||
| Zany's. | ||
| Kid Rock's comedy show? | ||
| Nashville? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Kid Rock is a comedy show? | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| At Ryman. | ||
| Oh my god, that's amazing. | ||
| Dude, I'm so excited. | ||
| You're performing twice at Ryman in three days? | ||
| Yeah, I'm there for a week. | ||
| Did I tell you about Kid Rock's house? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's got a White House? | ||
| Yes, I told you that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did I tell you the whole thing? | |
| Dude, his videos are the best. | ||
| Did I tell you, Ari? | ||
| No. | ||
| He built a White House on his property. | ||
| He has hundreds of acres outside of Nashville. | ||
| He built a replica of the White House, but it's way bigger than the White House. | ||
| Just a storm? | ||
| It's like 27,000 square feet. | ||
| It has two bedrooms. | ||
| Okay, the whole house is party. | ||
| He has a yellow shower. | ||
| It's a golden shower. | ||
| You go in there, it's literally golden tiles. | ||
| He has a fucking gold elevator, and the contractor was like, do you want to hide the elevator walls? | ||
| He goes, fuck that! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want people to go to Kid Rock's house and say, Kid Rock's got a fucking gold elevator! | |
| So in the middle, when you walk into this house, you see a gold elevator. | ||
| This is the wildest house you've ever... | ||
| It's a full-on party house. | ||
| Do you ever see him? | ||
| It's so funny to watch Tucker be like excited. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like anything Kid Rock says, Tucker's like, And then there's one part where Kid Rock's like, yeah, Republicans used to be fucking lame, dude. | ||
| They used to wear, like, sweaters and button-downs. | ||
| Like, he described exactly what Tucker was doing. | ||
| Tucker's like, well, I'm comfortable with the button-downs. | ||
| I'm comfortable with the button-downs. | ||
| Dude, we're going to a Kid Rock show with Jay. | ||
| You're invited. | ||
| Oh, I can't wait. | ||
| And we're all going to go. | ||
| I mean, Kid Rock, it's great. | ||
| We're all going, fuck you, Brandon Hats. | ||
| We're just going full off. | ||
| We're doing the Kid Rock show at the Ryman, and then I think there's a comedy jam after. | ||
| At Kid Rock's bar. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Bro? | ||
| What a weekend. | ||
| Bro? | ||
| That sounds like fun. | ||
| I mean, it's going to be... | ||
| Mark Norman, what's your dates? | ||
| What you got going on? | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Indianapolis this weekend. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| I need help there. | ||
| Then I'm at the Carolina Theater in Durham. | ||
| I got this theater tour. | ||
| I can't fill it up. | ||
| I need your help. | ||
| Addison Improv, Bricktown. | ||
| Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas on 420. Yes, yes. | ||
| Looking for a 420 show here in Austin. | ||
| Yeah, come by if you want. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| The Vic in Chicago. | ||
| 420, I'm going to be in Fort Worth. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| What are you doing in Denver on my show? | ||
| Irvine Improv. | ||
| Back at the Paramount in Denver. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Cleveland, Agora. | ||
| You name it. | ||
| Got a lot of theaters. | ||
| Help me out. | ||
| DC, Lincoln Theater. | ||
| MarkNormanComedy.com. | ||
| We might be drunk all over the road. | ||
| Tuesdays with stories. | ||
| Praise Allah. | ||
| We'll see you in hell. | ||
| I got MGM Grand Garden Arena July 1st in Vegas with Bryan Simpson, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Hans Kim. | ||
| That's diverse. | ||
| Black, white, Asian. | ||
| Now they show fun, dude. | ||
| I love Simpson. | ||
| Bryan Simpson's a good egg. | ||
| A black guy, an Asian, and a homosexual. | ||
| Walk into a bar. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Those are on pre-sale right now. | ||
| You gotta go to my website. | ||
| Use the code ROGAN. Buy them before the scalpers do it. | ||
| That's my peer growth. | ||
| It's ROGAN. Alright. | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| We'll see you in a month or so. | ||
| What a fun time. | ||
| This is the fucking best. |
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