Jan. 14, 2022 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:35:48
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| Hey, we're up and running to the cuddle party. | ||
| Hey, comedy. | ||
| There we go, Gil! | ||
| So what are we calling this? | ||
| Are we calling this Protect Our Parks? | ||
| I think it's Protect Our Parks. | ||
| We need a better name. | ||
| We didn't do a good job protecting the last one. | ||
| What happened to the park? | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| 50 acres, just a dirt pile now. | ||
| That is so crazy that they allowed them to do that. | ||
| They just totally did that. | ||
| You know nobody in the city voted for that. | ||
| Not a single person! | ||
| Fucking evil, man. | ||
| It's evil. | ||
| There's definitely a prison in there or high-rises in no time. | ||
| What is the general consensus about the new mayor of New York? | ||
| Oh, it's bad already. | ||
| I saw people get mad at him. | ||
| I think it seems nice. | ||
| I saw people get mad at him and he says, we have to protect the low-wage employees. | ||
| Because he's like, the people at Dunkin' Donuts. | ||
| And he goes, they're not educated. | ||
| They're not smart enough to be in a corner office. | ||
| And everyone's like, what? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| His point was protect them. | ||
| But the way he said it, people were like, what's that supposed to mean? | ||
| You've got to protect these morons. | ||
| But he's hired his brother, and he gave him like half a mil. | ||
| $250,000. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| His last job, I think, was parking cars. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| How much did he get for that? | ||
| Just whatever you can clear out of the middle? | ||
| That's a nice thing, though. | ||
| That's what you want in your leader. | ||
| Somebody who's willing to hook his brother up. | ||
| I don't want a guy who wouldn't hook his brother up. | ||
| Right, I don't want a guy who shits on his brother. | ||
| That's what they said about Cuomo. | ||
| They're like, why'd you hook your brother up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's his brother! | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I think it's the way he did it, though, right? | ||
| Wasn't the Cuomo thing? | ||
| Too Italian. | ||
| He was using his influence to, like, gather information about his accusers. | ||
| Mmm, that's a good bro. | ||
| That's a good bro. | ||
| You're supposed to do that. | ||
| You're just supposed to shut the fuck up about it and not put it on Gmail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ooh, you gotta go Yahoo, baby. | ||
| Everything on Gmail is now up for everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Signal. | |
| Go to Signal. | ||
| What's Signal? | ||
| That's what the drug dealers use. | ||
| No, fucking insurrectionists. | ||
| Oh, everybody. | ||
| Disappearing messages. | ||
| To the one year. | ||
| To the one-year anniversary of the greatest upset. | ||
| It was the greatest upset in sports. | ||
| Nobody saw it coming. | ||
| They just did throw in Buster Douglas as the greatest upset. | ||
| A couple of them climbed that wall pretty good. | ||
| I mean, it was impressive. | ||
| They were out of shape. | ||
| Those were the feds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| The ones that scaled it were the feds. | ||
| Did you fucking see the thing where Ted Cruz is grilling that lady from the FBI and he asked her, the whole, runs the gamut of, were federal agents involved in any violence? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We can't answer that. | |
| We can't answer that. | ||
| Were federal agents involved in inciting violence or trying to court? | ||
| We can't answer that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should always ask a follow-up question, like, is Coke the same as Sprite? | ||
| And I'll be like, no. | ||
| Okay, that's your baseline. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So then, we can't answer this. | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| We can't answer this. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| We have a fucking distinct lack of marijuana in this room. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| We've made an error. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| Talk amongst yourselves. | ||
| Oh, you got some? | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| I got hit hard by that. | ||
| That one hurt. | ||
| He sucker punched me with that. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| Talk amongst yourself. | ||
| The park went down. | ||
| Ari's a real dickhead. | ||
| I don't even watch the news. | ||
| I haven't seen any news stories since Larry Nassar. | ||
| You don't watch it. | ||
| It's so smart not to. | ||
| Sorry, NASA wasn't great. | ||
| I mean, that was the peak. | ||
| I got out. | ||
| You saw NASA and you were like, I'm done. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| I got enough. | ||
| What's the news? | ||
| There's nothing for me there. | ||
| Somehow it involved Me Too and sports. | ||
| It's a good combo. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That should be a sport. | ||
| Me Too. | ||
| Yeah, the Me Too Olympics. | ||
| Let's call... | ||
| What's that? | ||
| University? | ||
| Penn State? | ||
| They're doing good. | ||
| Was it Penn State with Sandusky? | ||
| Yeah, it's Sandusky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Penn State, yeah. | |
| They really let that other guy go, huh? | ||
| The dead one? | ||
| Jopa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jopa. | |
| You knew something! | ||
| He died on the spot. | ||
| He got lung cancer and died right away. | ||
| What? | ||
| From misery. | ||
| From grief. | ||
| Yeah, he checked out. | ||
| I think it's a Dave Attell joke. | ||
| He's like, but were they playing better? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| They really did have a good defense. | ||
| I love Sandusky. | ||
| He had a... | ||
| Not in the shower. | ||
| In his backyard faced a kindergarten or something like that, or a playground, and he's like, I just like to go out there and watch the kids afterwards. | ||
| I'm like, wait, don't do that. | ||
| He goes, why? | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| This pod is so much better without Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Joking! | ||
| Joking! | ||
| All right, put it away. | ||
| Get the weed. | ||
| He dosed you. | ||
| We were just talking about Sandusky. | ||
| Yeah, remember him? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He was good. | ||
| Is he in jail? | ||
| I think he's dead. | ||
| No, Paterno's dead. | ||
| He's in jail. | ||
| I thought he died in jail or something. | ||
| He got asked to be transferred to a juvenile facility. | ||
| He identifies as a kid. | ||
| Well, they're doing that now with male prisoners who are transgender. | ||
| They're putting them in female prisons. | ||
| And a lot of them are, like, guilty of sexual assault, and they're putting them in prison with females. | ||
| And all they gotta do is say, hey, say you're a chick. | ||
| It's a smart move. | ||
| I mean, why wouldn't you do that? | ||
| Well, one guy did, and then immediately upon release started identifying as a man again. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Like, literally identify as a woman. | ||
| You gotta give that guy some respect. | ||
| Yeah, respect. | ||
| Well, he gamed the system. | ||
| But the system is really fucking stupid. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| It's such a dumb... | ||
| It's like, what a dumb thing this identity politics has given us. | ||
| This ability for a sexual offender to just change their gender by saying, I identify with a woman. | ||
| You keep your dick. | ||
| You don't have to get an operation. | ||
| You don't have to get hormone treatments. | ||
| There should be some sort of test, like becoming a citizen. | ||
| Should be a test. | ||
| You have to know some stuff about womanhood. | ||
| Some menstruation stuff. | ||
| Golden Girls. | ||
| Name a purse. | ||
| Name three purses. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| One Sex and the City character. | ||
| Manolo something. | ||
| Which one of the Sex and the City was a slut? | ||
| Kim Cattrall. | ||
| Kim Cattrall was the real slut. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta be able to say that. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right, right, right. | ||
| Samantha. | ||
| Were they all sluts? | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| They were all pretty slutty. | ||
| No, one was like very... | ||
| How come she wasn't in the new one? | ||
| Because she's got some fucking... | ||
| Because women hate women? | ||
| Integrity. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| No, she goes, we did it. | ||
| They were fighting or something. | ||
| No, she was like, we did it. | ||
| We had a whole run. | ||
| Why are we revisiting this? | ||
| Have you seen the new season? | ||
| Pretty wild. | ||
| Yo, you see the stand-up scene in it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You gotta see it. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| It's like 10 minutes long. | ||
| Is Sex and the City a stand-up now? | ||
| There's a stand-up. | ||
| They go see a show. | ||
| She's trans. | ||
| Yeah, they see a trans woman do stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Christ. | |
| No, I don't know if she's trans. | ||
| She's genderless. | ||
| Oh, non-binary, really? | ||
| Oh, she doesn't even exist. | ||
| What prison do they go to? | ||
| So why are you saying she? | ||
| True. | ||
| You say zay, you piece of shit. | ||
| Alright, I apologize. | ||
| The fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| You're in trouble. | ||
| You gotta learn the new rules, bro. | ||
| If you want to operate in today's society, what, are you scared of weed? | ||
| I hate weed, dude. | ||
| It's for genderless people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm straight as hell, dude. | |
| Oh, I better not. | ||
| Did you do it? | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| I'll just hug my knees and mumble. | ||
| Well, could you please do that? | ||
| That would make me happy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would be pretty cool. | |
| No, no, I can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe later on. | |
| We'll wear off in an hour. | ||
| It'd be fun to watch you. | ||
| It's not pretty. | ||
| We'll wear off in four hours. | ||
| It's just me and you, Ari. | ||
| These pussies. | ||
| Man, I already got the Glenlivet cooking. | ||
| This is good stuff, right? | ||
| Glenlivet 18 is not bad. | ||
| 18 years old. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| So, save our parks or cuddle party? | ||
| What's the consensus? | ||
| What else can we name? | ||
| We can branch out a little bit. | ||
| Four cunts. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| The four cunts of the apocalypse. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a good name for sex in the city. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Toxic non-gender specific. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Humans. | ||
| Non-binary. | ||
| Asexual. | ||
| Queefs. | ||
| Queefs, yeah. | ||
| I vote no name. | ||
| Queefer Sutherland. | ||
| You have what? | ||
| No name. | ||
| No name? | ||
| Like Prince? | ||
| We can't code name. | ||
| No names for us? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, you know what we could do? | ||
| We could just internally call ourselves different things. | ||
| We could secretly call ourselves fun things. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Like our text message thread is now protect our parks. | ||
| Which I'm strongly opposed to. | ||
| He's not going to be on this show. | ||
| I'm strongly opposed to that. | ||
| Started with Ari's idea, which I like the best, is cuddle party. | ||
| Because you want to call, like, the cancel crew or something. | ||
| I'm like, man, it's too leaning into it. | ||
| I think it's like, I got a big dick. | ||
| You want to call, I got a big dick. | ||
| Look at my chest. | ||
| Tony, we go with the Klan. | ||
| The Klan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about guys? | ||
| Guys Klan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guys Klan. | ||
| Just guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Four rebels. | |
| Four guys in a Klan. | ||
| But spelled with a K. Mmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| The Dude Clucks clan. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Dude Cucks. | ||
| Cucks. | ||
| Dude Cucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cucks. | |
| Cuckerberg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Cucks is good. | ||
| You guys are dorks. | ||
| Four Woke Cucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Four Woke Cucks. | ||
| Alright, we're getting somewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Mighty Cucks. | |
| The Mighty Cucks. | ||
| Oh yeah, the Anaheim Mighty Cucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Was that the first time a sports team was ever named after a movie? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| The raptors also was right around then. | ||
| It was around Jurassic Park, you're right. | ||
| Was it really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know that raptors, those raptors are really little? | ||
| They're not big like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Apparently Steven Spielberg was consulting with a dinosaur expert and he found out how little the raptors were and he's like, that's not going to work. | ||
| We need them to be big. | ||
| So he made them like seven feet tall. | ||
| But real raptors are like 24 inches tall. | ||
| They're like tiny little things. | ||
| Make sure that's true. | ||
| I don't think they're very big. | ||
| They're very ferocious. | ||
| They can open doors. | ||
| Two feet tall. | ||
| Clever girl. | ||
| Yeah, that's good. | ||
| I saw that in the theater. | ||
| It scared the shit out of me. | ||
| I was 10 years old. | ||
| What a good movie that was. | ||
| Great movie. | ||
| In the theater, when you saw the first dinosaur, it's like, what? | ||
| Unreal. | ||
| When the T-Rex comes over the fence, when you see the goat is missing and the T-Rex comes over the fence. | ||
| I was sad about that goat. | ||
| That fucking sound. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how they feed Kirstie Alley. | |
| That's a crazy reference. | ||
| Veronica's Closet? | ||
| She was a big target for a while. | ||
| She came away and people were like, I'm a big target. | ||
| Who's the new fat person to make fun of? | ||
| See, that's how big they were. | ||
| They were little. | ||
| I gotta up my references. | ||
| The real recent velociraptors are so big in Jurassic Park. | ||
| Yeah, it's just because Steven Spielberg. | ||
| You go Lizzo. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| She was always that. | ||
| You need someone who wasn't fat and that became. | ||
| Well, you know what's funny is when they're fat, and then they lose weight, and then everybody gets mad at them, like Adele. | ||
| Yeah, that is weird. | ||
| The big girls are mad. | ||
| You are our hero. | ||
| Yeah, you are us, and now you're not. | ||
| You're another hot girl. | ||
| Why did you put that burger down? | ||
| You fucking bitch. | ||
| Cuck Liddell? | ||
| I've been sitting on that for 20 minutes. | ||
| It's a funny thing when people do better with their life and the people that love them don't go, that's awesome! | ||
| I'm gonna do that too. | ||
| Look, she can do it. | ||
| If Adele can do it, I can do it too. | ||
| I'll be honest, I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like it one bit. | ||
| Why? | ||
| When I see somebody start dressing cool and being handsome. | ||
| You can't relate to them? | ||
| No, I don't like that. | ||
| Oh, if they used to be fat, then they start slimming down. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| When you're fat and you lose weight, you start dressing cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| Because you can finally wear clothes. | ||
| You don't have to wear a hoodie every day. | ||
| Who's done that? | ||
| Give me an example. | ||
| Not Seth Rogen, the other one. | ||
| In that clan, in that group. | ||
| Jonah Hill! | ||
| Jonah Hill. | ||
| He's never been hot, though. | ||
| Well, he's more like a surfer now, but he's jacked now. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Jonah Hill's in great shape. | ||
| What? | ||
| That guy fluctuates like a motherfucker. | ||
| He's like Oprah. | ||
| He's the white Oprah. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I mean, he was dealing with a lot of what he thought was body issues, and just dealing with being big and didn't like it and felt embarrassed, and then finally fucking did something about it. | ||
| And he dealt with it for a long-ass time. | ||
| Lost some weight, gained it back, but now he looks great. | ||
| It was great, right? | ||
| I thought Big was beautiful. | ||
| I'm not saying he was chunky, but he posted something to stop talking. | ||
| He looks like hell. | ||
| He looks homeless. | ||
| I know you mean well, but I kindly ask you not comment on my body, good or bad. | ||
| You skipped heart emoji. | ||
| I was trying not to throw up. | ||
| I want to politely let you know it's not helpful and it doesn't feel good. | ||
| Much respect. | ||
| Shane, can you read that? | ||
| I want to hear that in your voice. | ||
| That's what I said. | ||
| Dude, this is all you need to see. | ||
| Next time. | ||
| Can you read this? | ||
| Don't comment on Shane's body, heart, good or bad. | ||
| Shane wants to politely let you know. | ||
| This is a big text. | ||
| You ever see his cell phone? | ||
| He's got the giant letters because he can't read. | ||
| He had his eyeballs. | ||
| He got him a cricket. | ||
| Do you have readers yet? | ||
| I thought you got your eyeballs fixed. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I had LASIK. Oh, you did? | ||
| Yeah, it's wearing off. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's wearing off. | ||
| Yeah, I feel it wearing off. | ||
| What do you mean it's wearing off? | ||
| LASIK wears off? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| What about the cane? | ||
| Still got the cane? | ||
| I'm hoping you can do it again. | ||
| You were going to go for a second. | ||
| By the way, that was the first shot. | ||
| You heard it. | ||
| What? | ||
| I thought you did it. | ||
| You did it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You said, Shane, could you read that? | ||
| I just asked you legitimately if you could read that or not. | ||
| No, that was the first shot. | ||
| I think you're a little drunk and a little lippy. | ||
| I'm sober as a bird, Joe. | ||
| This is what he said. | ||
| He said, could you read it in your voice? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He wanted me to read, stop talking about my body. | ||
| He was taking a shot. | ||
| I see. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| I'm totally right. | ||
| Drastically disagree with what you're saying. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| Guys, you're fat, you're old, can we get along? | ||
| No, the effects of LASIK do not wear off. | ||
| However, certain normal aging changes inside the eye over time may affect your refractive stability. | ||
| For example, if your eyes had been corrected for distance when you're younger, when you get into your early or mid-40s, something called prespoise. | ||
| Presbyopia will occur. | ||
| So you're fucked. | ||
| You got presbyopia. | ||
| And now we're doing your early 40s. | ||
| You can't read anymore. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Can't you do it again? | ||
| Presbyopia? | ||
| You don't want to do that again. | ||
| Do you want to go in there again? | ||
| You got a laser in your eye? | ||
| They cut the layer off your eyeball, and then they just go... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Lasers, and then you can't look at it. | ||
| You have to look straight forward. | ||
| It's this far away from your eye, and if you start moving around, he's like, stop, stop moving! | ||
| Stop moving! | ||
| It'll burn your retina off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're about to start new therapies that involve bacteria. | ||
| They involve bacteria and injections into your eyeballs. | ||
| And these injections of bacteria... | ||
| Andrew Huberman told me about this. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| He's brilliant. | ||
| And he was saying that they're essentially... | ||
| They believe they're going to be able to reverse the ocular degeneration that comes with aging. | ||
| And they think they're gonna be able to do it for people that have, like, serious eyeball injuries, too. | ||
| Like, maybe, like, Michael Bisping can get hooked up. | ||
| When is that gonna start? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're doing trials right now, but they're having very favorable results. | ||
| You ever gotten a jizz in your eye? | ||
| More than I can count, my friend. | ||
| More than I can count. | ||
| I can see you're being facetious, but it stings. | ||
| You never hit your own eye? | ||
| You never got your own jizz? | ||
| I'm sure I have, but it's probably been when I was younger. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| In the eyeball. | ||
| Yeah, I was laying on my back and it came straight up. | ||
| Right in the mud. | ||
| God, man, the girl I was with really got a kick out of it. | ||
| It happened to me recently. | ||
| She laughed all night. | ||
| It happened to me recently. | ||
| I stared right down the barrel of it for some reason. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It fucking drilled me. | ||
| It gets you. | ||
| What were you expecting? | ||
| Suicide by gay love. | ||
| That's what got Crenshaw's eye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| That's not true. | ||
| It was in Afghanistan. | ||
| Heartless. | ||
| I mean, you gotta jerk off out there. | ||
| Heartless and inaccurate. | ||
| It happened in Afghanistan. | ||
| That's a good name. | ||
| We could be Al-Gaeda. | ||
| Al-Gaeda's not bad. | ||
| Or Al-Gaeda. | ||
| Al-Gaeda. | ||
| That'll be quickly turned into Al-Gaeda. | ||
| Well, that was the point, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| Al-Gaeda? | ||
| I like Al-Gaeda. | ||
| I like Al-Gaeda. | ||
| See you later, Al-Gaeda. | ||
| I'm having too much fun already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So wait, did Saladin came in Crenshaw's eye? | |
| No, he came in his own eye, I'm saying. | ||
| No. | ||
| He was in the huts, you get bored. | ||
| I heard that, I read that in Jezebel. | ||
| That's what he did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, so they held him down and he did it himself? | ||
| No, he was just jerking it to kill time in the desert. | ||
| And he hit himself in the eye. | ||
| Hit himself in the eye, boom. | ||
| Then he had to be like, oh shit, one of them got me, guys. | ||
| There's no doctor out there, so he had to lose the eye. | ||
| He was waiting, he was bored before beheading. | ||
| What's legitimately the worst injury you've ever heard someone jerking off sustained? | ||
| Some people have broken their dick, but that's from girls riding on it. | ||
| Yeah, you can bend your dong. | ||
| I think Knoxville's dick is broken. | ||
| You were telling us last night. | ||
| Yeah, he broke his dick on a stunt. | ||
| With a rocket? | ||
| Yeah, give it a goog, JMO! I got no dick, man! | ||
| For a guy with no dick, he's pretty upbeat. | ||
| Do you like fish dicks? | ||
| Come on, leave me alone. | ||
| I got no dick, man. | ||
| I hurt my dick. | ||
| Oh, that was rough. | ||
| Season three looks great. | ||
| Johnny Knoxville, How I Broke My Pace. | ||
| There you go! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, he came through my college filming Dukes of Hazzard. | ||
| He fucked every gal. | ||
| There was a chlamydia strain all over LSU. Look at this. | ||
| I have a big scar running here to here, he says, innocuously pointing an index finger between his legs up to his crotch, where he famously tore his urethra in 2007 while paying tribute to stunt god Evel Knievel. | ||
| You know, I never even thought to look at the scar until six weeks ago. | ||
| I found a stand-up mirror, I got out of the shower, and check out the scar, and it's a terrible angle to look at yourself in. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is he okay now, though? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think he's got the pump like Larry Flint. | ||
| He says, um... | ||
| What does it say here? | ||
| Can you read that, Ari? | ||
| He's been fielding questions. | ||
| Fave of crotch shot. | ||
| So he says he broke his dick, but did they fix it? | ||
| Maybe they fixed his dick. | ||
| I'm hoping they fixed his dick. | ||
| I don't know, but his hair is white now. | ||
| It's like a dog's chew toy down there now, he said. | ||
| It looks like a sock that's lost its elasticity. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It left him using a catheter twice a day. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It looks like a sock that lost its elasticity. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| This is a bummer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that they're saying that they left him using a catheter twice a day back then. | ||
| Does that mean now? | ||
| I hope he's okay now. | ||
| No. | ||
| Call in, Knoxville. | ||
| Oh, no, hold on. | ||
| Let's go back up. | ||
| It says years after the incident that sent him to surgery and left him using a catheter twice a day. | ||
| I think they mean during the recovery part. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay, he must be all right then. | ||
| God, I hope so. | ||
| It's a good conversation starter when hitting on a girl. | ||
| You know, my dick used to be broken, and now it works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's revived. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But it'd be suspect, like a house with a fucked up foundation. | ||
| You know, if a house got a big crack in the foundation, like, no, we brought guys. | ||
| They said it's fine. | ||
| Don't you want to buy it? | ||
| He's like, no, I'm not buying this fucking house. | ||
| What's up with that foundation? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| What if the earth moves? | ||
| What's going to happen with Tim Dillon's house? | ||
| Is that up for sale, or does he still own that? | ||
| Well, he's looking at another one out here right now. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| He's just breading your butter. | ||
| He's buttering your bread with that. | ||
| No, he's smart. | ||
| He's investing money. | ||
| The real estate business out here is fantastic. | ||
| But why'd he leave? | ||
| Save one, get another one. | ||
| Ah, okay. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Keep one. | ||
| Sell it. | ||
| Sell the second one. | ||
| Gotta have one for the twinks. | ||
| Yeah, one for the twinks. | ||
| I got the underside. | ||
| The underside of my dong got sliced once. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Yeah, I was going from behind on a lady. | ||
| And she was touching herself also because I wasn't helping. | ||
| She's an experienced whore. | ||
| And my dong fell out and connected on a fingernail when I went forward again. | ||
| And it hurt, but you know, I was making whoopee. | ||
| So I kept trying to go, and she was like, no, I could feel like I got skin on that. | ||
| And I was like, no, I'm fine. | ||
| I pulled out and looked at it, opened my hand, and it was just gushing. | ||
| It was over. | ||
| Ran to the bathroom. | ||
| That's how you get AIDS. It's blood. | ||
| No, but she's got to bleed in your blood. | ||
| Your body doesn't accept blood like that. | ||
| It generally pumps out. | ||
| Is that an interesting story? | ||
| If she's menstruating, that's blood on blood there. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not getting in your body. | ||
| They think that one of the ways that people initially got HIV, and this is very controversial, but they think there was You know, bushmeat is a thing in Africa where they'll essentially shoot and kill anything and sell it as meat because food scares. | ||
| So they'll occasionally do that to chimpanzees. | ||
| They'll shoot chimps and sell chimp meat and eat chimps. | ||
| It's like the Wuhan bat. | ||
| And they think that through cutting a monkey or a gorilla or some chimp, some sort of primate, they got the blood on the knife and cut their finger. | ||
| I think this is just speculation. | ||
| I don't think they necessarily have a patient zero in AIDS. I'm sticking with Fucker the Monkey. | ||
| Yeah, that's better story. | ||
| Remember Chappelle's bit on that? | ||
| Rip your dick off like a celery stalk! | ||
| You know how hard it'd be to fuck a monkey? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It would be pretty hard. | |
| It's just as funny as... | ||
| It's funnier than eating a bat, but eating a bat's very funny. | ||
| Well, they have them in soup. | ||
| They eat tons of bat. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| It's wild to see. | ||
| Like a bat floating around in a soup. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Like a drowning moth. | ||
| Hey man, when you're fucking hungry, you'll eat a lot of things. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And then on top of that, if you're culturally accustomed to certain things, they don't become weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Like oysters. | ||
| Oysters are fucking gross to a lot of people. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| But for us, we're like, ah, slurp. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like that. | ||
| This fucking snot blowout. | ||
| I don't like oysters. | ||
| Oh, they got the heads. | ||
| You know, there's little dog heads in there. | ||
| That looks better than oysters, I'll tell you that. | ||
| Oh, I love oysters. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| But is that the ribs of the bat? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh, that's like eels. | ||
| That's an eel thing. | ||
| Octopus and shit. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Octopus is delicious, but... | ||
| Bat soup. | ||
| Ah, I don't like that shit. | ||
| Octopus are fucking smart. | ||
| It's kind of weird to eat them. | ||
| They are smart. | ||
| You see that Octopus Teacher documentary? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty great. | ||
| That guy that clearly wanted to fuck that octopus. | ||
| He falls in love with the octopus. | ||
| Yeah, he was trying to fuck that octopus. | ||
| He lost his family over it, didn't he? | ||
| Wasn't he swimming every day trying to fuck an octopus? | ||
| Octopussy. | ||
| You know, John Lilly had a whole program doing dolphin research. | ||
| They were trying to teach dolphins how to talk, and the dolphins kept getting distracted because they were horny. | ||
| So this lady would just jerk off the dolphins to participate in the study. | ||
| What? | ||
| And they found out about it. | ||
| They're like, that's a wrap for your study. | ||
| You can't be jerking people off. | ||
| I feel like it's a win for the dolphins. | ||
| Dude, there's a guy who was fucking dolphins. | ||
| The dolphin who loved me. | ||
| NASA-funded project that went wrong. | ||
| Margaret Lovat in the 1960s was part of a NASA-funded project to communicate with dolphins. | ||
| Soon she was living with Peter 24 hours a day in a converted house. | ||
| So the house was waist-high in water. | ||
| Christopher Riley reports an experiment that went tragically wrong. | ||
| Tragic because he got to come. | ||
| No, he got to come. | ||
| And they killed the project because they found out she was jerking off the dolphin. | ||
| Dolphins are crazy horny. | ||
| They should have killed the dolphins. | ||
| They'll spread it to the rest of the population if they get out. | ||
| Finger that blowhole. | ||
| Here's one. | ||
| I watched a video a guy was going out and fucking a dolphin. | ||
| He was fucking a dolphin? | ||
| He said he was going into the ocean and fucking dolphins. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, dolphins definitely fuck you. | ||
| They've tried to fuck people before. | ||
| They try to drown men. | ||
| If you're with a hot chick, they'll grab you by the bathing suit and drag you down. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what happened to Natalie Wood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| One of the Lakers, something happened to him too. | ||
| She just went off. | ||
| One of the Lakers? | ||
| A dolphin tried to drag him down to the girl? | ||
| Yeah, I think he was dating Iggy Azalea. | ||
| Was the woman white and was the dolphin racist? | ||
| Whatever Iggy Azalea is. | ||
| I think it's Izzy. | ||
| Which is it? | ||
| No, it's Izzy. | ||
| It's Iggy. | ||
| Not Flipper. | ||
| Iggy Pop. | ||
| Nick Young, the Dolphin tried to kill me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I already heard of this when I read that story. | ||
| He strolled into the Lakers locker room on Tuesday at the Staples Center a little more than an hour before tip-off. | ||
| Their 106-96 loss to Denver Nuggets. | ||
| He said, where does it say? | ||
| He said he's scared of Dolphins. | ||
| He goes, he was playing with everybody else, doing what Dolphins do. | ||
| The act, act, and all that. | ||
| Young said... | ||
| He said it was my time to ride the dolphin. | ||
| For some reason, he took me all the way to the bottom. | ||
| He was trying to drown me. | ||
| But I saw it happening. | ||
| I jumped out of the water and took off the little life vest and threw off my little water shoes and stayed outside. | ||
| That's a little dramatic. | ||
| I think this guy just couldn't swim. | ||
| That's a little dramatic because they have, like killer whales have tried to drown people and when they get stuck in those fucking sea world type places, they'll grab a trainer and drag them and pin them to the bottom of the tank. | ||
| He was a little friendly, kissing her and stuff. | ||
| He was trying to take my woman. | ||
| Maybe he was. | ||
| Blackfish? | ||
| I think I heard it before I saw this. | ||
| Blackfish Group? | ||
| That's us? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm saying that's a movie. | ||
| Blackfish. | ||
| It's a movie about orcas. | ||
| Swaggy P? What about this? | ||
| Bush Meat Boys. | ||
| The Bush Meat Boys? | ||
| It's got a good ring to it. | ||
| Yeah, and we could take a field trip and go out and get some. | ||
| Go get AIDS. Start a new AIDS. You know David Cho, the artist? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, David Cho went to, with the Hadza. | ||
| Where was that part? | ||
| It was Tanzania? | ||
| I think it was Tanzania. | ||
| He went and hunted baboons. | ||
| They eat baboons. | ||
| And he goes, it's fucked up. | ||
| He goes, because when the baboon gets hit with the arrow, he grabs it like a person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He's like, oh! | ||
| They're fucking terrifying. | ||
| He goes, it's really fucked up. | ||
| They dress like a baboon? | ||
| So this is Cho. | ||
| No, I don't know what they're doing. | ||
| Is it a GoPro and a dog? | ||
| He's got dogs chasing the baboons. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| I would never want to do this. | ||
| So these folks, they eat everything, right? | ||
| But they have less game in the area where they live. | ||
| They never used to be there before, so they find themselves eating a lot of primates. | ||
| Man, that guy's living, huh? | ||
| David Chow is so fucking interesting. | ||
| Because the guy's worth a stupid amount of money. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| From what? | ||
| Art? | ||
| Was it Facebook or Google? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Facebook. | |
| Facebook. | ||
| Oh, he invested? | ||
| No, he painted... | ||
| He painted their lobby and they gave him Facebook stock and it turned out to be worth a fucking kajillion dollars. | ||
| In lieu of money. | ||
| But meanwhile, he's the kind of guy that is that rich and goes and hangs out with the Hanza and lives with them and hunts with them. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Is he the guy in the Bourdain doc? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, you know, you hate that guy. | ||
| I didn't like him. | ||
| Painting over the mural? | ||
| I don't like anybody that's artsy. | ||
| He's artsy. | ||
| He's very good, man. | ||
| Artsy Shafir. | ||
| Why'd you tell me, dude? | ||
| Cho's gonna watch this and be pissed. | ||
| He's gonna watch him be pissed. | ||
| I hate him, too. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| Well, that was him. | ||
| If you guys knew him, you'd love him. | ||
| I love Cho. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Joe Rogan. | ||
| No, I watched his, he had a show on Vice, I think? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And some of it bothered me. | ||
| He did Vice Guide to Travel when he went to Africa looking for a dinosaur. | ||
| Because there's reports. | ||
| Those are extinct. | ||
| There's reports of sightings of, I think it's a plesiosaur. | ||
| Or maybe a brontosaur that's in some part of the Congo. | ||
| And so he literally went looking through the Congo to try to find a dinosaur. | ||
| But I think he was like fucking 20 years old when he did that. | ||
| Was nobody fucking him? | ||
| A lot of people fucked him. | ||
| A lot of people fucked him. | ||
| Dude, the guy's wild. | ||
| David's wild. | ||
| He's just very open about his psychology, which I don't like. | ||
| You think he's got a hot to go? | ||
| Yeah, he's like, the reason I fuck so much is because my childhood was this. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't like to hear that? | ||
| You just want him to keep fucking? | ||
| How about you just say, I like pussy. | ||
| You don't have to pretend to be this guy. | ||
| He's expressive. | ||
| He's an artist. | ||
| I know he is. | ||
| You don't get it, you Bud Light drinking son of a bitch. | ||
| But like nobody's asking. | ||
| I don't know what to tell you about this. | ||
| He's all American. | ||
| Also, it doesn't look good you hating an Asian. | ||
| I know, that's why I'm trying to backpedal on this one. | ||
| Bring it back. | ||
| Bring it back. | ||
| You know, you cut your dick. | ||
| I cut my sack open on a fence. | ||
| Saw my ball. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You saw your ball? | ||
| In college. | ||
| Got really drunk at a party. | ||
| Started making out with this girl on the couch. | ||
| Her boyfriend sees me. | ||
| He's like, we're going outside. | ||
| I was like, all right, let's do it. | ||
| And then he's like, Bobby, Jimmy, Mike, all these guys came out of the woodwork. | ||
| So I was alone. | ||
| So I just jumped this fence, straddled it, couldn't make it all the way over. | ||
| I fell over the other side. | ||
| I was hanging by my jeans. | ||
| The jeans ripped. | ||
| They're all laughing. | ||
| Ran home. | ||
| Passed out. | ||
| Woke up. | ||
| Sack was torn. | ||
| Blood everywhere. | ||
| Had to get it stitched up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, I had to wear a jockstrap for a month. | ||
| And then I had to get the stitches removed! | ||
| That guy owned you, dude. | ||
| He really did. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No? | ||
| You won that. | ||
| I had to start wearing a cup in jujitsu because someone was passing my guard and he slammed his knee into my dick. | ||
| And it hurt like hell at the time, but I thought it was okay. | ||
| And then I went into the locker room and my jockstrap was filled with blood. | ||
| So blood had been coming out of the tip of my dick while I was training. | ||
| So I was training and... | ||
| Because you just get so used to getting banged up, right? | ||
| So then I go home and I'm trying to think, okay, do I go straight to the doctor? | ||
| Or do I treat it like a bloody nose? | ||
| Because if it was a bloody nose, I would just go, what are they going to do? | ||
| Yeah, but I've heard of bloody noses. | ||
| Well, now you've heard of a bloody dick. | ||
| So what did I do? | ||
| Well, I went home and I jerked off. | ||
| I wanted to make sure it still works. | ||
| The New York Post is going to be all over this. | ||
| As long as it still works. | ||
| Well, that's what I did. | ||
| I wanted to see if it worked. | ||
| You're getting medical advice from a guy who said, jerk off. | ||
| Yeah, jerk off if your dick is bleeding. | ||
| But it was bleeding from the inside. | ||
| So I was like, well, what are they going to do to fix it? | ||
| They're not going to put a bandage on the inside. | ||
| How'd the wack off go? | ||
| It was fine. | ||
| Did it hurt? | ||
| It looked like a chicken fetus. | ||
| You ever get an egg that has a baby chick inside of it? | ||
| That's what my jizz looked like. | ||
| It was just red and white. | ||
| It was chaos. | ||
| It was basically like a little chicken abortion. | ||
| But it worked. | ||
| And so I was like, okay, we'll try again tomorrow. | ||
| So I tried again tomorrow, and there was a little less blood the second day. | ||
| Very little blood the second day. | ||
| It was still a little pink, but it wasn't scary. | ||
| The first day was like, woo. | ||
| Seeing my jockstrap filled with blood, I was like, yikes. | ||
| But if that was my nose, I would just stuff some tissue up it and keep moving. | ||
| You can't stuff tissue paper up your bottle. | ||
| What are they going to do? | ||
| I'm like, what is it? | ||
| I looked at it. | ||
| There's no cut. | ||
| I'm like, so something inside broke a little bit. | ||
| Put it on a splinter. | ||
| And it's fine now. | ||
| You're all good. | ||
| It's all good. | ||
| I made kids with it. | ||
| But I was thinking that, like, something happened, like, during the slam, like any other kind of trauma. | ||
| Like, you know, you get a cut in your face or something. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| You just let it heal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, your dick got smushed. | ||
| Blood out of your dick. | ||
| Me cocked smushed. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| But that was my response. | ||
| That's how dumb I am. | ||
| My response was to see if I could jerk off. | ||
| Well, it kind of worked. | ||
| It works. | ||
| Yeah, you got it out. | ||
| I did the same with the slice stone. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| I was like, what am I going to now whack off? | ||
| You just jerk off around it. | ||
| You know, you just hit the tip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't mess with the hammer. | ||
| That's what I did with the jockstrap, you know? | ||
| You still got a whack. | ||
| Did you have to, when you got it stitched up, did you have to wear anything there, like a diaper or something? | ||
| Well, first of all, I stuck a needle in my sack to Novocain. | ||
| That was a nightmare. | ||
| Seeing a giant needle go in your sack is pretty eye-opening. | ||
| And then I watched him stitch it. | ||
| We're talking about, you know, hey, how about those tigers? | ||
| And then I had to wear a jockstrap for a month and then go get them taken out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| College, man. | ||
| Did you ever run into that guy again? | ||
| No, no, never. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Eh, it was a big school. | ||
| You think he ever watches you on Netflix and goes, ah, that fucking guy, I saw his raw nut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy fucked my wife. | |
| Probably. | ||
| It was all a blur. | ||
| They ended up working out. | ||
| Imagine if it worked out with them, and they got back together because of your trauma. | ||
| Hey, there you go. | ||
| And then they start dating. | ||
| You guys having sex when they walked in? | ||
| Just a mate got on a couch. | ||
| But really, like, going at it. | ||
| I had a handful of boob and everything. | ||
| She probably told him, and that's why he came over. | ||
| It was one of those girls. | ||
| Come over at 634. One of them drama queens. | ||
| Yeah, it got ugly. | ||
| There was a lot of fighting in college. | ||
| College was scary. | ||
| So was high school. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| High school boys, once they develop strength and their fucking frontal lobe hasn't really developed yet, they're very dangerous. | ||
| College didn't have to live at home too, so it was like living really like adults with just morons. | ||
| Morons. | ||
| Ari, did you go to Jew high school? | ||
| I did go to Jew high school. | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| A lot of fights or a lot of litigation? | ||
| We'd have like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'd have like... | |
| A lot of threats. | ||
| A lot of do you know who my dad is, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Litigation! | |
| A lot of litigation. | ||
| Ah, litigation! | ||
| I never got physical much. | ||
| I bet the weather was good at that school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Oh my god, litigation. | ||
| You learn how to control the weather in third period. | ||
| Yeah, what'd you guys learn in there? | ||
| All sorts of stuff. | ||
| Learn how to control the weather. | ||
| The 9-11 plans. | ||
| You guys planned it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The 9-11 plans. | ||
| You don't want to turn a suit back. | ||
| Hey, Shane, tell everybody what we were talking about before this, because I can't believe that this happened. | ||
| But his video got pulled off of YouTube because he simply said that when he had COVID, he just drank beer. | ||
| I said that the way I beat COVID was I just drank beer. | ||
| That's all I was doing. | ||
| That's all he said. | ||
| And it worked, and I was healed. | ||
| Yeah, funny. | ||
| And I was just explaining exactly what happened. | ||
| And the episode got taken down from Matt and Shane's secret podcast. | ||
| Oh, the whole episode got taken down. | ||
| Imagine how fucking insane that is. | ||
| Like six months later. | ||
| That's so silly, yeah. | ||
| Imagine how insane that is. | ||
| They're going through old podcasts. | ||
| They really are, which is crazy. | ||
| Giannis Papas just got hit with one from six months ago, he told me. | ||
| They gave him a strike. | ||
| He can't post to his account right now. | ||
| Oh, I'm going to lose all sorts of stuff. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's just like, what are you doing? | ||
| Why? | ||
| What's the point? | ||
| You're looking at what these guys are saying. | ||
| This is fun. | ||
| No one's getting hurt from any of this. | ||
| If anybody's getting... | ||
| This is the whole thing. | ||
| It's like you're not supposed to have COVID misinformation or anything that doesn't go along with the lines. | ||
| You're giving some instructions, but that's not what you're doing. | ||
| You're talking shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If anybody was like, well, I was going to get vaccinated, but then I saw... | |
| And he drank beer, so I'm like, I'm gonna fucking drink beer too, bro. | ||
| Is that a real thing? | ||
| Well, I got lucky. | ||
| It was nothing. | ||
| I got COVID and it was nothing, so I just drank beer. | ||
| Imagine that that's enough. | ||
| Are these woke kids that are doing this, or is this an algorithm? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this AI? But they go further and further. | |
| Any touch of it is a problem. | ||
| That's all he did. | ||
| He told the truth about exactly what happened. | ||
| He said I got vaccinated, and yeah. | ||
| I admitted to being gay. | ||
| But silencing it kind of brings more attention to it, I think. | ||
| Now we're all talking about it. | ||
| Well, it should. | ||
| Because that's the only way to combat it. | ||
| Because otherwise, then they get control of the narrative completely. | ||
| And then no one can say anything that's even remotely dangerous. | ||
| I think it's just AIs. | ||
| I think it's just AIs that are operating too far on the straight up what they think is misinformation. | ||
| Here's why you're wrong. | ||
| Here's why you're wrong. | ||
| Because it stands up to appeal. | ||
| They appeal it. | ||
| I know, but everything I've ever tried to appeal, they go, nah. | ||
| Which means no one's even looking at it. | ||
| They're just going, no, no, no, no. | ||
| We've appealed things, and they've come through. | ||
| They look at your stuff more than most people's stuff. | ||
| I think it's all, who's your fucking person, right? | ||
| If there's a thousand people that do this, or a million people that do this, they're all subjective. | ||
| They all have their individual ideas about things, about what's acceptable and what's not. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure they have guidelines, but there's clearly some wiggle room. | ||
| Yeah, if you can get someone to actually look at it. | ||
| When you get like a... | ||
| When Kill Tony gets strikes because you can't explain it to someone, when I get a bullying charge for Betty White, it's like, no one's looking at this. | ||
| You bullied Betty White. | ||
| What happened to Betty White? | ||
| You bullied Betty White. | ||
| You bullied her to death. | ||
| She's gone, man. | ||
| She's out of the Golden Girls reunion. | ||
| She died. | ||
| She probably got the booster and died. | ||
| Afghanistan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine the booster takes you out at 99. Like, you can't even say it. | ||
| Being 99 years old and being like, I bet I gotta get this booster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She was like, but I need to deal with the devil. | ||
| 99 Betty White. | ||
| This podcast is down now. | ||
| Yeah, this podcast is down for that. | ||
| Just for that last 30 seconds. | ||
| It's not on YouTube. | ||
| If you're 99 and listening to Spotify, get the booster. | ||
| But any 99-year-old who knows how to use Spotify is doing pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, they're rare. | ||
| Imagine just picking up the internet when you're 70. Yeah, right? | ||
| What is this world? | ||
| 70 and all of a sudden you're in chat rooms talking shit. | ||
| Getting laid. | ||
| 70, you're sharing memes. | ||
| Do you think it's like a Vietnam Vets chat room? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Just at each other's throats. | ||
| You got a Reddit thread. | ||
| In 70, you start a Twitch channel, start talking shit while you're playing video games. | ||
| Well, they are Twitching. | ||
| 106-year-old Philadelphia woman is a big fan of Big Macs. | ||
| This is more hurtful to people's health than saying, like, maybe the Vax is dangerous. | ||
| That should be medical misinformation. | ||
| It should be like, crush Big Macs. | ||
| She said it kept six. | ||
| She said it kept her free of disease. | ||
| That's back when Big Mac started when they were made with actual meat. | ||
| She credits junk food for her long life. | ||
| Her granddaughter said that maybe her lengthy lifespan has to do with the nine gin-soaked raisins she ate every day too. | ||
| Gin-soaked raisins? | ||
| Queen Elizabeth said the same thing. | ||
| What kind of a weirdo lady is this? | ||
| It says not eating junk food. | ||
| What's that, James? | ||
| It says not eating junk food. | ||
| Oh, not eating junk food, but she eats burgers. | ||
| I know, that's right. | ||
| What the fuck does that mean? | ||
| She's a liar. | ||
| She's got dementia. | ||
| That's what kept her alive, dementia. | ||
| But who the fuck is like, is that a thing, the vodka-soaked raisins or something like that? | ||
| Is that a real thing? | ||
| Queen Elizabeth drinks a couple gin and tonics a day, says that's her thing. | ||
| But gin-soaked raisins. | ||
| Gin-soaked raisins? | ||
| That seems so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that's so specific. | ||
| Maybe that's the trick. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| 105-year-old Englishman had a whiskey in his tea every morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| See, this is the thing. | ||
| If you're one of those guys that's like, you know what, I'm just going to stay alcohol-free. | ||
| Cheers, gentlemen. | ||
| I'm going to stay alcohol-free. | ||
| I get my blood work done. | ||
| Even when I drink a little bit, I'm okay. | ||
| You just got to take care of yourself. | ||
| Yeah, moderation. | ||
| Yeah, moderation. | ||
| And take care of yourself. | ||
| Exercise, moderation, diet. | ||
| But check out your liver. | ||
| Hey, Jamie, those last two pictures, those last two people, stories, the old people, how many of them are dead now? | ||
| How old is this article? | ||
| This was today. | ||
| The 106-year-old lady was today. | ||
| Scroll down with that 117-year-old lady. | ||
| Is that a real person? | ||
| 117-year-old French nun whose secret is red wine and a 100-year-old San Francisco woman who is fond of non-traditional bedtime snack of one beer and three potato chips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all booze. | |
| She sucks. | ||
| This is funny. | ||
| We get happy when we hear about someone who lives a long life like that. | ||
| Like, wow. | ||
| But if you had to live their life, you'd be like, take me. | ||
| She survived COVID? Without her eyes. | ||
| She survived COVID? She also hates Jews. | ||
| Oh my god, she survived COVID. Oh, look at those eyes! | ||
| She's possessed! | ||
| She's possessed! | ||
| She just can't see. | ||
| You guys are assholes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| That's you in ten years. | ||
| Look at that nose, that's about right. | ||
| For real, that's not far. | ||
| You have Lasix that's gonna wear off. | ||
| That's the one thing where nature tries to keep you from fucking old people. | ||
| As they get older, their nose grows bigger and their ears grow bigger. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They're like two things that no one's gonna like bigger. | ||
| Let's make them grow. | ||
| Your balls get longer. | ||
| Look at those earlobes. | ||
| She got jizz in the eye. | ||
| She's a nun. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| All these pictures, she looks like she's coming. | ||
| Somebody's wiping that ass. | ||
| For every happy ending story with these old people, somebody's wiping her ass. | ||
| Jesus wipes her ass. | ||
| There's going to come a point in time where they're going to be able to reverse aging. | ||
| It's not far off. | ||
| David Sinclair, this guy from Harvard, who's been on my podcast a few times, they're working on it, and they've got to the point where they can pull it back a little. | ||
| He's 52, he looks like he's 40, and I'm not exaggerating. | ||
| Go backwards instead of forwards? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's essentially 10 years younger than his biological age. | ||
| If you need a test group, I'll be your test group. | ||
| You're too old. | ||
| Start with my hair. | ||
| When's your birthday? | ||
| It's coming up, right? | ||
| February 12th, yeah. | ||
| His physical age, his biological age is 10 years older than his actual age. | ||
| No, his biological age is 10 years younger than his calendar age. | ||
| It's good for Jared Fogle. | ||
| Get them young. | ||
| Not that young. | ||
| But imagine if you got to the point where you could go back to maturity, back to like 21, 25 years old. | ||
| Because I think they're going to be able to do that. | ||
| But with old people, they're still going to have long ears. | ||
| So people are going to know. | ||
| Would you do something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you be like, nothing, I'm fucking, you know, it's my first time around. | |
| Because we would probably get mad if like 400-year-old people were fucking 30-year-olds. | ||
| Because 30-year-olds are so dumb. | ||
| They're so easy to trick. | ||
| At 30, they're a tenth of you. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Try getting a 400-year-old lady to join your cult. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| We can't have this many people. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| No, we'll have to murder some people. | ||
| We've got to all die. | ||
| If people start living forever, we have to murder some people to clear it out. | ||
| When you get to a certain age, are you think you're going to want to cash in your chips? | ||
| No, I want to keep going if I can reverse. | ||
| I'm going to die before it's even... | ||
| Yeah, you'll die. | ||
| Of heart disease. | ||
| You might not make it until 2025. That's fine. | ||
| You're happy with that? | ||
| You got a good special. | ||
| What year do you want to go? | ||
| How old do you know? | ||
| 34. What do you like to get to? | ||
| 85. I'll get to 60. But when you're 59, you're going to want to go to 80. Of course. | ||
| When you're 116, you're going to go to 170. She's like, I read about this shit that brings you back. | ||
| Call it that. | ||
| She's just dreaming one day. | ||
| This can't be real. | ||
| I'm looking at the oldest people, you know? | ||
| It says this guy's 146. Look at that mole right in the center. | ||
| How come it can't be real? | ||
| Another black guy. | ||
| He's lying. | ||
| Who believes this guy? | ||
| Those eyes are dead. | ||
| They don't work anymore. | ||
| He's a full mummy. | ||
| I had a dog that had that when he died. | ||
| Wow, he looks like he opened the Ark of the Covenant's cataracts. | ||
| This is a shitty country that needs this for publicity. | ||
| Click on that link so we can read it. | ||
| I think that might be real. | ||
| See, here's the thing, man. | ||
| If somebody can live to be 20, then it's not outside of possibilities that someone can live to be 20 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
1870. 1870. 1870. Are you kidding me? | |
| That's not real. | ||
| That's before electricity. | ||
| That's Flavor Flav. | ||
| Well, how do you know it's not real, though? | ||
| It could be a tortoise. | ||
| He does look like a tortoise. | ||
| He claims to be the oldest person that ever lived and celebrated, but maybe he's right. | ||
| They said it's accurate. | ||
| The Indonesian records office. | ||
| They found a coconut that it was scrolled into. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was right after Krakatoa. | ||
| You don't even know anything about that. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| That's the Super Walkino, right? | ||
| That is tough. | ||
| Is Krakatoa the Super Walkino? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| He began preparing to die 24 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, he did die. | ||
| He's dead now. | ||
| Yeah, this is a couple years old. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Wow, gross. | ||
| The thing about when they get that old, you don't really know if they really... | ||
| He still had hair, too. | ||
| Is Krakatoa the one where it brought the entire human population down to like 7,000 people? | ||
| That was COVID. No. | ||
| Which one was that? | ||
| Toba. | ||
| Toba? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that Indonesia? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| What was Toba? | ||
| Krakatoa was recent in Indian history. | ||
| Krakatoa was 1883 though. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| He was alive for Krakatoa. | ||
| He was alive for Krakatoa. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| There was an Indonesian one that was real recently. | ||
| Wasn't there an Indonesian volcano that was real recent? | ||
| Not catastrophic, but I think there was a volcanic eruption real recently. | ||
| What about Wise Krakatoa? | ||
| I really want to name this group. | ||
| Wise Krakatoa is pretty good. | ||
| I'm going to get a couple of drinks. | ||
| I like your ideas here. | ||
| That's the other thing about the internet. | ||
| Instagram, I say fatty to people and they keep deleting it. | ||
| Can't even say fatty now. | ||
| Because they call it bullying. | ||
| They call it bullying. | ||
| I think it's bullying. | ||
| I'm telling you, when I said I'm going to invade Burt Kreischer's home family, and they were like, nah, that's where it started. | ||
| Wait, you're going to what? | ||
| Invade his family if you didn't give me my records back. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| And they took you off. | ||
| They were like, yeah. | ||
| How are you going to invade the family? | ||
| Oh, I get stinking there late at night. | ||
| And do what to his family? | ||
| He's got dogs. | ||
| Just keep them doing what they're doing already. | ||
| He's got big dogs. | ||
| Bird has mastiffs. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty scary. | ||
| Bro, if you got bit by a mastiff, do you have any idea what that would do to your tissue? | ||
| And those dogs do not like you guys. | ||
| What is you guys? | ||
| You're thinking about German Shepherds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hebes. | |
| All dogs, dude. | ||
| That's why they go to heaven. | ||
| Because I hate Jews? | ||
| Because they're doing Jesus' work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| Because you've had too many wafers. | ||
| This song's gonna happen. | ||
| It's not gonna be started on German Shepherds. | ||
| Yeah, do they? | ||
| Oh, well not the gay ones. | ||
| The gay dogs? | ||
| If you're out there listening and you're going to get a German Shepherd as a pet, you better be willing to work with that dog. | ||
| You've got to exercise that dog. | ||
| Take it on runs, do things with it. | ||
| You can't just leave a dog like that in the yard. | ||
| They'll go crazy. | ||
| And we know you're not willing to do that work. | ||
| Get a little poodle, bitch. | ||
| Now, Michael Vick worked those boys. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| He worked the hell out of those dogs. | ||
| The dogs were probably having a little bit of fun. | ||
| His dog record was like 86 and 14. His record was good? | ||
| He was like great. | ||
| You know what's fucked? | ||
| He's in the Hall of Fame of dogfighting. | ||
| I gotta get some new references. | ||
| There's a silent group of people that are involved in dogfights. | ||
| That have been involved in dogfights for a long time. | ||
| And that sort of exposed what that whole community is all about. | ||
| Because there's a lot of dogfighting going on in parts of this country. | ||
| There's a guy that I knew. | ||
| I know him. | ||
| But he, at one point in time, used to fight dogs. | ||
| And he lived in... | ||
| Somewhere in the South. | ||
| I forget which state. | ||
| And he had these dogs that were on chains. | ||
| And the chains would go out to a small dog house. | ||
| And the chains were far enough so that each dog couldn't get at the other dog. | ||
| And that's how he kept them. | ||
| He just kept them in his yard and he put them on heavy chains so they worked out and they walked around with these heavy chains on. | ||
| And he would have them on dog treadmills. | ||
| They have dog treadmills for pit bulls. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| They get him in shape. | ||
| And then they have, they name the dog after the bloodline. | ||
| So it's a champion's bloodline. | ||
| So if there's this one dog that was killing all these other dogs, they would name him. | ||
| So it's like, you know, if you had a name, like if you were Bucky, and, you know, it'd be like Bucky's son or, you know, grandson of grand champion this. | ||
| And they have this, like, Sort of underground community. | ||
| And when Michael Vick got busted, it sort of exposed that to a lot of people that, you know, especially a lot of people that are urban folks that don't know anybody who would even be involved in dog fighting. | ||
| That could be the name of our group. | ||
| Urban folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that. | |
| I like that. | ||
| If you're living in a big city, you probably don't get to see too many dog fights. | ||
| But if you're in rural parts of the South, it's a big money thing. | ||
| It's like, I had a gardener who was in a chicken fighting. | ||
| I talked about this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They fight roosters. | ||
| I went to one of those. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Vicious. | |
| Vicious. | ||
| I went and won Puerto Rico. | ||
| It's in a pit. | ||
| You're all standing there with money, shaking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo-hoo! | |
| For them, it's a part of their culture. | ||
| And he said, and then, you know, the winner gets to make soup out of the loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Wow. | ||
| So if your bird wins, even once your bird wins, your bird's going to get fucked up. | ||
| It's probably going to get sliced up pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They take the one that died and they'll fucking cook them in a nice soup. | ||
| They heal up if they're still, like, okay. | ||
| They sew them up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That chicken's a little raptor. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Isn't that weird to think of? | ||
| That's not that much smaller than what a real raptor was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is funny. | |
| If the urban folks that were fighting the dogs would just dress like a matador, all the honkies would be okay with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| If they were just wearing some dumb, goofy... | ||
| Have they had some traditional outfit? | ||
| Yeah, then we'd be like, well then it's okay if they're stabbing a bull with a sword over it. | ||
| Well, they're trying to get rid of that. | ||
| Bullfighting at least, though, has a chance to kill you. | ||
| Have you been? | ||
| No. | ||
| I didn't get to go. | ||
| But they stab it with like eight spears. | ||
| It just keeps going. | ||
| Yeah, they keep stabbing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they tie the sack up. | |
| Well, don't they stab them before they let them out? | ||
| Yeah, they cut them quite a bit before. | ||
| Yeah, they don't just let them out fresh. | ||
| I think they tie the sack. | ||
| That's how they get them angry. | ||
| That's the bull riding. | ||
| Oh, that's riding, sorry. | ||
| The wildest shit is those dudes who stand there and wait for the bulls to charge them and they flip. | ||
| Rodeo clowns? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They jump up in the air and flip over the bulls. | ||
| I've never seen that. | ||
| Rodeo clowns? | ||
| No, no, no, they're not rodeo clowns. | ||
| It's like a type of bullfighting, but they literally are acrobats who leap over the bulls as they charge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So the bulls charge them and they do flips. | ||
| They're their own, like, cape? | ||
| Well, they don't do the cape. | ||
| They just jump through the air and do backflips over bulls. | ||
| But the thing is, they don't always do it right. | ||
| And every now and then the bull wins. | ||
| It looks like a car wreck. | ||
| And that's what's exciting. | ||
| You gotta have that. | ||
| You gotta have that danger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You know those, like, when people wear those bubble suits and run at each other? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here it is. | |
| Watch this. | ||
| What? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| Whoa, it's like a limbo. | ||
| Oh, he got clipped there. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| The leaping of the bulls. | ||
| Yeah, so this guy's doing a front flip. | ||
| Oh, he's putting his head right in the way, too. | ||
| That's a fair fight. | ||
| No weapons. | ||
| That's a very fair fight. | ||
| This is better than... | ||
| That guy's wild, man. | ||
| That is a wild dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And he has to really be careful, because that thing goes in his lungs. | ||
| He's trying to spear him. | ||
| The bull is trying to murder him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 100%. | ||
| Look at that flip. | ||
| How do you practice this? | ||
| Bro, that flip is wild. | ||
| You practice with a poodle first? | ||
| Oh, you get points depending on how close you are. | ||
| They have a technique to lean backwards like that. | ||
| Yeah, he says, I don't see the bull as my enemy, more like my friend. | ||
| Like, bitch, why? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| This is humane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's the most humane. | ||
| Oh, so they have a team with points. | ||
| I still like stabbing it. | ||
| They score points. | ||
| Look at these guys. | ||
| They're on the same team. | ||
| What about the guys who get in that clear bubble ball? | ||
| That's what I was saying. | ||
| Oh, they're great. | ||
| Did you watch it or are you just cutting me off? | ||
| No, I have watched it. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| You know what's stunning is the sheer amount... | ||
| You know those bubbles you run into each other with? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they get bulls to run into them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What's crazy is the distance they travel when a bull hits them. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| They really fly. | ||
| They go like if you kicked it. | ||
| I want to go to see one of these live now. | ||
| I don't know how you don't fuck your legs up. | ||
| Those are smaller ones. | ||
| Those are smaller ones. | ||
| I've seen bigger ones. | ||
| Those are fucking dangerous because your knees can get torn apart. | ||
| And they get stomped on, too. | ||
| Get me out, get me out. | ||
| Your legs are totally out. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| If they stomped on your knee, you're done. | ||
| You're done forever. | ||
| You're done forever. | ||
| Look at this guy trying to run away. | ||
| He's a little wobbly. | ||
| He's like, you got me on that. | ||
| You got me, Bill. | ||
| Meanwhile, he's keeping that bubble on, even though he can't run with it on. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is so dumb, man. | ||
| With COVID, we're going to be wearing these. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And that thing took him right... | ||
| That's great. | ||
| We've got to go to one of these live. | ||
| That was right at where the bottom is. | ||
| He's coming right back. | ||
| Press play. | ||
| It's appalling. | ||
| He's not wearing a mask. | ||
| This is so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to give that poor Bill COVID. Wow. | |
| This is great. | ||
| These guys are living. | ||
| This is the Jackass thing. | ||
| No, this is like the Special Olympics. | ||
| This is Jackass did this. | ||
| Oh, they did? | ||
| This is like the Special Olympics. | ||
| Bro, this is so dumb. | ||
| Oh my God, it's so dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Man, that's terrifying. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Who thought of this? | ||
| Jackass did that in their movie and they all got paid a lot. | ||
| Those guys are doing it for drink tickets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| I had this dude on Fear Factor that was a bull rider and his shoulder was completely destroyed. | ||
| He had scars all over his shoulder from just getting ripped. | ||
| Trying to hang on, or falling to the ground, one or the other. | ||
| I don't know which arm it was that was fucked, but he was like, yeah, I can't do anything. | ||
| If I lift my arm, I'll find it. | ||
| It pops out. | ||
| Was it worth it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, there's a whole culture behind that. | ||
| Those bull riders are a different kind of human. | ||
| We'd go to the rodeo when I was a kid. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Oh, this is one of the classics. | ||
| Jackass 3. The bull... | ||
| Once he makes them. | ||
| His dick was still working there. | ||
| I love how he stands in, though. | ||
| Oh, Margera! | ||
| Oh my god, that's so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy's got balls! | |
| Balls of steel, literally. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| Oh, the bull's getting ready. | ||
| That could be considered blackface now, by the way. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's standing in. | ||
| He's standing in while this bull is... | ||
| Steve-O's nervous. | ||
| The bull doesn't seem to know what to do. | ||
| It gets confused when it sees the wall. | ||
| They only see red, right? | ||
| Oh, I don't know if that's real. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Alright, that wasn't so bad. | ||
| That was a good move. | ||
| You don't want to fall from fighting in the air. | ||
| He could be paralyzed from that. | ||
| He's alright. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's got a target on his back. | ||
| Dude, you know... | ||
| It does little touches for Jackass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| They're the greatest franchise in history. | ||
| I didn't realize how good they were until I went to Europe and everybody there loved them. | ||
| Oh, they're great. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| Oh, so you need other people to love something for you to love it? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Do you see what the fuck he just said? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Now you're turning on me, dude? | ||
| I thought this was guys' clan. | ||
| It's the Bushmeat boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought this was fucking dudes' clan or whatever. | |
| The Bushmeat boys. | ||
| I thought it was Bushmeat boys, dude. | ||
| We don't joke about each other. | ||
| How much of a nightmare was Fear Factor to do? | ||
| Well, we did a bull riding thing once, and during the bull riding, there's only two times in the history of the show where I told them, don't do it. | ||
| I said, don't do this. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| And that was a big one. | ||
| They go, well, this guy was a stunt guy. | ||
| Those stunt guys, they're different humans. | ||
| They're so used to getting hurt. | ||
| They're so used to just being brave and taking wild chances. | ||
| The stunt guy literally said this to me. | ||
| He goes, ah, don't worry about it, boo. | ||
| Those are stunt bulls. | ||
| I go, stunt bulls? | ||
| I go, does that bull know he's a stunt bull? | ||
| I bet he thinks he's a fucking bull. | ||
| What are you talking about, man? | ||
| It's a stunt bull. | ||
| This thing was like 2,000 pounds, and it's in the cage. | ||
| Bang, bang! | ||
| And they strapped a 98 pound girl to that thing. | ||
| And I was like, you guys are out of your fucking mind. | ||
| They strapped a lady to a rodeo? | ||
| Guys, you have to understand, this show wasn't being done before this. | ||
| So it was like brand new that they would put people up for anything on TV. I know, but a woman on there is crazy. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| We always had women on the show doing wild shit, but this lady almost got kicked in the face. | ||
| She goes flying in the air, and as she's flying in the air, the bull kicks back. | ||
| And as the bull kicks back, this is her. | ||
| And as the bull kicks back, she almost got jacked. | ||
| She's tiny. | ||
| She's tiny. | ||
| But watch when she gets thrown off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| And she lands completely flat on her back. | ||
| Her back's fucked. | ||
| Her wind's gone. | ||
| Wind is gone. | ||
| Yeah, so she lands. | ||
| Look how far she lands. | ||
| And she almost gets kicked in the face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It kicked her up! | |
| It kicked her up! | ||
| Oh my god, she flopped like a doll. | ||
| It kind of did hit the back of her head, right? | ||
| And she landed completely flat on her back. | ||
| By the way, if she landed on her head, this could have been a horrific injury. | ||
| She's laughing? | ||
| That's how Betty White went. | ||
| But that was just dumb luck that she landed on her back. | ||
| And this is what I said. | ||
| I said to the guys afterwards, I said, we rolled the dice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at all cute. | |
| She's pretty hot. | ||
| So are you, by the way. | ||
| I was sweet back then. | ||
| But this whole show was like, they kept ramping it up over and over and over again. | ||
| So it was two times. | ||
| The second time, they made people drink jizz. | ||
| And that was the time the show got canceled. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They played horseshoes. | ||
| And even if you got a ring, if you ring it with the horseshoe, you still had to drink jizz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You just had to drink less jizz. | ||
| Because they kept ramping it up. | ||
| I feel like females have the advantage there, because they've eaten jizz before. | ||
| Well, you are a homophobic piece of shit. | ||
| Or N-gays. | ||
| Gays and women have the answer. | ||
| There's some gay guys in my family, dude. | ||
| So look at this. | ||
| This never aired in America? | ||
| That sucks for you. | ||
| It's never aired in America, but it did air overseas. | ||
| I think it aired in Holland. | ||
| Is it human jizz? | ||
| No, it's donkey. | ||
| Oh, that tastes good. | ||
| It's donkey jizz and donkey piss. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| So they were twins. | ||
| Wait, I didn't know it was a black donkey. | ||
| Can I say this? | ||
| Was this your idea? | ||
| Was it kind of hot to watch those girls drink some jizz? | ||
| No, it was not hot. | ||
| Come on, John. | ||
| Wait, now we gotta watch to see if it's hot. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| This is not hot already. | ||
| These girls are pretty. | ||
| It's not hot at all. | ||
| They're drinking piss and jizz. | ||
| I want the jizz. | ||
| R. Kelly. | ||
| Would you drink the piss or the jizz? | ||
| I would drink the jizz. | ||
| What? | ||
| The girl drinking the piss got through it first. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| You gotta drink piss, dude. | ||
| What are you, a fucking gay dude? | ||
| This is supposed to be drunk. | ||
| What are you, a fucking gay dude? | ||
| How many edibles are you on here? | ||
| Oh, I was high as fuck. | ||
| I was high for every episode after episode four. | ||
| They each get one? | ||
| Have you guys tasted piss? | ||
| You order the jizz. | ||
| I'll order the piss. | ||
| It's hard to keep down. | ||
| I like how they're plugging the nose. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I've had piss before. | ||
| The texture of jizz? | ||
| Not just the texture of jizz, it's the texture of a quart of jizz. | ||
| That guy downed it. | ||
| He should throw up on his brother. | ||
| I'm going to throw up right here. | ||
| I want to get to these two. | ||
| I'd like to see them. | ||
| I hope they spilled some on their chin. | ||
| That was nice of NBC to have barf buckets ready. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| Oh, it's a big part of the show. | ||
| This was NBC? Yeah, baby. | ||
| These fuckers fired me? | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trust me. | |
| They were doing this? | ||
| This never aired. | ||
| But the point is, this did get the green light from the executives. | ||
| Oh, yeah, look at her mascara running. | ||
| Oh, I've seen that porn. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Dude, this is brutal. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| So this is a real show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was on actual TV. This is hot. | |
| Right there. | ||
| This is hot. | ||
| Look, it's coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's dripping cum off her shit. | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| On television. | ||
| The 90s, baby. | ||
| On TV. No, this wasn't the 90s. | ||
| 2001. 2011. Wow. | ||
| 2010. Listen to me. | ||
| This is when Fear Factor came back. | ||
| We came back for like six episodes and then it got cancelled. | ||
| Look at the other girl. | ||
| Game recognizes game. | ||
| She's like, lady. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Nice chain wallet, nerd. | ||
| You had a chain wallet? | ||
| It was a nice one. | ||
| That donkey's having a good time. | ||
| Look at that chain wallet. | ||
| Look at that chain. | ||
| Show it, Jamie. | ||
| That sucks, dude. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| It's comfortable. | ||
| That's when Big Jay thought you were alive. | ||
| If I wanted to kill somebody with a chain, I have one handy. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I mean, being high for that must have been fucking insane. | ||
| It was high. | ||
| Every show was high. | ||
| If you were high watching it. | ||
| It was always insane. | ||
| Because when I did it, I was bored for like the first four episodes. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, what have I signed up for? | ||
| And I thought, oh, this is going to get canceled. | ||
| This is so crazy. | ||
| But when you're high, then it becomes so preposterous. | ||
| And everything was preposterous. | ||
| And then also I felt a lot of empathy towards the people. | ||
| When I was high, I wanted them to do well. | ||
| It helped me coach them. | ||
| Did you root for them? | ||
| No, it did. | ||
| It helped me coach them. | ||
| It helped me pump people up. | ||
| Because there's some times where you can change a person. | ||
| Like when they're about to do something, you can pump them up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You really can. | ||
| Especially if it's not something that's going to kill them. | ||
| Like, just go, listen, you know, you can fucking do it. | ||
| And then just that vote of confidence and just giving them a perspective, just force yourself to do it. | ||
| Just decide that this is what you're going to do. | ||
| Don't give yourself an out. | ||
| Don't give yourself any options. | ||
| Just do it. | ||
| And you can do it. | ||
| I know you can do it. | ||
| And you'll feel better about yourself. | ||
| If you quit right now, you're gonna feel like a bitch for the rest of your life. | ||
| And then it's donkey jizz. | ||
| And then donkey jizz. | ||
| You talked him into something terrible. | ||
| This is what casting couch is. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Just get done with it. | ||
| Well, the problem was everybody had to do these stunts. | ||
| And only one person would wind up winning the money. | ||
| In this case, twins would wind up winning the money. | ||
| So they did it for nothing. | ||
| Yeah, two people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two guys. | |
| I don't remember. | ||
| They should win. | ||
| I hope they won, dude. | ||
| I hope those twins are doing well. | ||
| Just because of the jizz? | ||
| Where are they now? | ||
| I love those girls. | ||
| They've got more jizz in their stomach than Rod Stewart. | ||
| Remember that rumor? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He had to get his stomach pumped. | ||
| I heard John Bon Jovi. | ||
| They did that about Lil' Kim, too. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They lied about my sweet Lil' Kim. | ||
| The Richard Gere gerbil one was the biggest one. | ||
| That's the all-time favorite. | ||
| That's the rumor of all time. | ||
| That one spread, like, wild. | ||
| Wow, it was viral before viral. | ||
| I grew up in Boston. | ||
| Eddie Bravo grew up out here in California. | ||
| We both heard about it at the same time. | ||
| New Orleans, we heard it. | ||
| I mean, it made it through the country. | ||
| It's still going. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| It's in Malaysia right now, at least. | ||
| That guy heard it. | ||
| 146-year-old heard it. | ||
| You know what I think it is? | ||
| He started it. | ||
| This is just a theory, but he was in Scientology for a while. | ||
| And when he left, they were like, yeah? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| No, no, but that doesn't mean it's fake. | ||
| That's the reason it came out. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Because they released it, but it was real. | ||
| I think it's more like they were shaming him. | ||
| It might have been gerbil fetuses or something, but it happened. | ||
| They must declaw it, because of the anal cavity. | ||
| Guys have definitely done it, and they probably did it after hearing that rumor. | ||
| That was probably the first guy to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your stuff went in like a bulletproof condom. | ||
| You see the South Park with him getting lost in there? | ||
| Yeah, Lemmy Winks. | ||
| Was it Mr. Slave? | ||
| Lemmy Winks gets stuck in Mr. Slave. | ||
| You know what sucks though? | ||
| Being the type of guy that that rumor would stick to. | ||
| Like Richard Gere. | ||
| As soon as it came out, somebody being like, yeah, that's something you would do. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| But it was such a weird, specific choice that you believed it. | ||
| It was so specific that I believe it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| After the Gigolo movie and an officer and a gentleman, too many women wanted to fuck him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| Everybody was happy to fuck him. | ||
| He got bored. | ||
| He got bored. | ||
| Cindy Crawford. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm not saying he really did it. | ||
| I'm saying the rumor. | ||
| The jealous dolphins grabbing him, dragging him down because he was hot. | ||
| I'm saying he did it. | ||
| That's all the guys. | ||
| That's because you're a jealous dolphin. | ||
| He did it out of boredom. | ||
| I'm jealous of the gerbil. | ||
| Richard Gere was hot. | ||
| Richard Gere was on it. | ||
| Do you guys remember when he tried to go on stage in Madison Square Garden after 9-11 and say, we all just need to give love and express love? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Richard Gere? | ||
| Oh my god, he got booed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He got booed so hard. | ||
| He tried to give his Buddhist philosophy to a bloodthirsty group of revenge-hungry New Yorkers. | ||
| The ones who were just beating up Indian people at the time. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| They didn't even know what Sikh is. | ||
| Those were the days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got a couple turbans. | ||
| I mean, it sucks because technically he was right. | ||
| We all need to give love. | ||
| That gerbil fucker went out there with a very nice peaceful message. | ||
| Yeah, love. | ||
| And those dumb wops and Jews from New York couldn't handle it. | ||
| What about the Irish? | ||
| We all do that stuff. | ||
| We're not worried about it. | ||
| And the blacks. | ||
| The Irish don't complain about those things. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| A few woke Irish guys who write poetry. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| James Joyce. | ||
| Yeah, they drink. | ||
| Oscar Wilde, yeah. | ||
| The other guy. | ||
| What do you mean they drink and pretend they're deep? | ||
| Some of them, not Oscar Wilde, but some Irish people are annoying. | ||
| Are you allowed to say Up The Raw on Spotify? | ||
| I'm 25% Irish. | ||
| I'm 25% annoying. | ||
| Which might explain, some have attributed to Stallone. | ||
| Okay, Gere was originally cast in The Lords of Flatbush, but he and Stallone didn't get along. | ||
| Shocker. | ||
| So Stallone had Gere fired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| In the years since, Gere and Stallone's grudge Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He even thinks I'm the individual responsible for the gerbil rumor. | ||
| Not true, but that's the rumor. | ||
| He brought up a purpose to keep it going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta probably put a gerbil in his ass or something. | |
| Are we talking about Sylvester? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was basically... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Type of fruitcake. | ||
| Speaking of donkeys, I... Oh, they talk about Unliving Color? | ||
| I used to... | ||
| 1992 sketch. | ||
| I used to love this sketch. | ||
| So when did that rumor start? | ||
| What year do you think that gerbil rumor started? | ||
| Late 80s. | ||
| Is that an article about the gerbil rumor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It's all about it. | ||
| Maxim Magazine! | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Melm? | ||
| Melm Magazine? | ||
| Never heard of it. | ||
| No, I haven't either. | ||
| Hey, Kennison. | ||
| Sam Kennison talking about it. | ||
| Did he talk about it? | ||
| Let me hear this. | ||
| Let me hear Kennison talk about it. | ||
| That's really old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Has everybody heard this shit about Richard Gere? | |
| Dude, that's fucking intense, man. | ||
| How many people have heard about Richard Gere having a gerbil in his ass? | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I swear to God, it's maybe a rumor. | |
| I hope it's a rumor. | ||
| I was in Miami last night. | ||
| The fucking crowd there went nuts. | ||
| Like, well, shit, everybody in the country knows, supposedly, because I don't want to get in trouble. | ||
| Ooh! | ||
| But, supposedly, supposedly, I guess he was in the hospital. | ||
| Mark, you would probably know, but is this for real? | ||
| You're a doctor in L.A. It is for real? | ||
| He had a gerbil in his fucking ass? | ||
| Corroborated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe that happened. | |
| How good can this fucking feel? | ||
| Man, I have been drunk, folks. | ||
| I have been drunk and coked up and fucked up to where I have pissed in my suitcase thinking it was the toilet. | ||
| To where I lifted the lid of my suitcase and just fucking pissed. | ||
| Soaked down a $500 fucking red satin robe. | ||
| Half a suitcase full of my fucking piss. | ||
| You know, it never occurred to me to put a rodent in my fucking intestinal tract. | ||
| This was late-term Kennesaw. | ||
| Yeah, you can see his droopy eyes already. | ||
| That's not a guy who pays attention behind the wheel. | ||
| Well, this is the other thing. | ||
| I think someone hit him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think the problem is he was... | ||
| Was that over the line, dude? | ||
| Could you just stop being this guy? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| I thought we were just busting balls. | ||
| He's the edgelord. | ||
| Yeah, you ever sit back and say, what am I doing? | ||
| Yeah, maybe you're right. | ||
| Maybe it's time to change. | ||
| Take it easy, dude. | ||
| Kinison is the best example that I can, for comics, of like a guy who is awesome and then was like a parody of himself really quickly. | ||
| Like within just a few years. | ||
| One special. | ||
| Yeah, one special. | ||
| One special special is fucking fantastic, though. | ||
| That was when he was young and wild and nobody had seen anything like him. | ||
| But then the partying and all that stuff after that, it became like a caricature. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hope I do well and then fall apart, like, violently. | ||
| You should. | ||
| You will. | ||
| You're on track. | ||
| It's gonna happen. | ||
| It'd be good though, right? | ||
| Bad, bad, bad. | ||
| Those are legends, dude. | ||
| Those are the legends. | ||
| You die by 27, you can't do any wrong. | ||
| You didn't get a chance yet. | ||
| Also, you think I want to be fucking having a family and being gay and shit like that? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| You want a family. | ||
| It's a bad company. | ||
| Let's shotgun these. | ||
| I'm just Josh. | ||
| Let's shotgun these. | ||
| I'm Josh, and I've been saying, Jamie, please do me a kindness and get rid of all the times I've said homophobic stuff. | ||
| No, that's the whole pod. | ||
| How are you going to do that? | ||
| How are you going to do that? | ||
| Jamie, best judgment. | ||
| Jamie, could you do me a kindness? | ||
| Edit out a lot of the homophobic stuff. | ||
| Are you going to change your whole brand here? | ||
| Why don't you edit me out of this entire episode? | ||
| Blame it on Bud Light. | ||
| Maybe you get a sponsorship. | ||
| Bud Light will not sponsor me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never reached out to them, but these cockcups should be all over you. | |
| They better hurry up or I'm going to switch to Natty Light. | ||
| Nah, you're talking. | ||
| Natty Light will do it. | ||
| Natty Light's desperate as hell. | ||
| I think Budweiser owns them. | ||
| Bud Light's going to pay me. | ||
| Hey, let's shotgun this. | ||
| Do you know how to do it? | ||
| Yeah, I know how to shotgun it. | ||
| Do you support ice? | ||
| You got a knife? | ||
| Yeah, I love ice. | ||
| There's an arrowhead you can use. | ||
| Yeah, yo, shotgun and fucking Bud Light with an arrowhead. | ||
| Yeah, let's do that. | ||
| Oooh, I like it. | ||
| You can't use that arrowhead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| This is why they built it! | ||
| No, no, this is a real Native American arrowhead. | ||
| What do you think they'd want it used for? | ||
| Bro, if you broke this arrowhead, imagine if it survived 500 years in the ground. | ||
| Dude, that's the height they're gonna achieve! | ||
| Shotgunning a beer on Joe Rogan? | ||
| Shotgunning a beer on the JREs? | ||
| That's on them! | ||
| How are they going to kill the white man if the king walked with a beer? | ||
| You're denying them. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I would use my dick before I'd use it. | ||
| Wait, where'd you get that arrowhead? | ||
| Somebody gave it to me. | ||
| It's fake. | ||
| How do you know it's real? | ||
| Because I got it checked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| He got it authenticated. | ||
| You guys are party poopers. | ||
| You want some of this? | ||
| Where'd you find it? | ||
| No, no, no! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait! | |
| I like crapping a little so it doesn't... | ||
| Oh, I don't have a knife. | ||
| Okay, okay. | ||
| Alright, here we go. | ||
| Oh, Bushmeat Boys! | ||
| That's what I was trying to avoid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Alright. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Twelve years sober down the drain. | ||
| Can you get a shot of beer? | ||
| I have. | ||
| It's time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's time. | |
| I'm going to rip off the edge. | ||
| I don't really particularly like that kind of beer. | ||
| Very exciting. | ||
| It's not really about that. | ||
| What's it about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's about camaraderie and guys having fun. | |
| Jamie, you gotta get one, dude. | ||
| Yeah, Jamie! | ||
| He's got a fucking control panel back there. | ||
| Imagine if it kills the show because of you, you fucking cunt. | ||
| This is Ari's choice. | ||
| I didn't want to do this. | ||
| Wait, I'm doing one? | ||
| Yeah, you're doing one. | ||
| I don't even drink. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| You don't drink anymore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| Yeah, he quite a while ago. | ||
| You gotta drink booze right there. | ||
| I just gave him more booze. | ||
| Oh, weird. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joking. | |
| Ready? | ||
| Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Wait, how does this work again? | ||
| It's been a while. | ||
| James wants one? | ||
| Yeah, James wants one. | ||
| Will you give me one? | ||
| Can I have one, please? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you crack the top and... | ||
| This whole damn studio's gonna smell like Bud Light. | ||
| Don't do anything. | ||
| Oh, he already blew it. | ||
| Mine's already falling apart. | ||
| No, it's fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do it. | |
| Ready? | ||
| Did you already crack it? | ||
| Hold on, give me a second. | ||
| These things are cold, dude. | ||
| This carpet's getting ruined. | ||
| This is going to go to heart. | ||
| Wait, so what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait, wait. | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| Peter North? | ||
| You just crack it open the top. | ||
| Peter North, that's hilarious, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It hurts because it's cold. | |
| It's so cold. | ||
| That was refreshing. | ||
| It is refreshing, is it not? | ||
| Yeah, it's like the ice bath of beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like, you do it, it's not comfortable, you do it, but it's over. | ||
| You just took a whole beer right there. | ||
| We're one ahead. | ||
| It really works. | ||
| It goes down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shotgun, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That is medical misinformation, though, if we're talking about telling the public to shotgun beers. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| How's that misinformation? | ||
| We're not saying it's good for you. | ||
| We showed how fucking awesome we are. | ||
| I got CVS vitamin D and I drank a little bit of beer and then I ate a lot of chicken wings. | ||
| Zinc. | ||
| I posted that I followed Joe Rogan's strict advice to be super racist. | ||
| I started with Eskimos and moved on. | ||
| Are you racist to Eskimos? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| He's known for it. | ||
| It was called an Ari Shafir tweet. | ||
| You don't like Eskimos? | ||
| I love him. | ||
| What is it you don't like about him? | ||
| Raw blubber. | ||
| It's something about it, man. | ||
| You don't like him. | ||
| And they ship those fucking geezers out on ice floats. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| The old guy? | ||
| I don't lie. | ||
| You ever seen Bourdain's show where he went to visit this tribe that was, I guess it was a tribe of Inuit? | ||
| What do you call them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A group? | |
| A family? | ||
| Finish it, Mark. | ||
| Don't throw up, you sissy. | ||
| And they were eating raw seal. | ||
| They were all eating raw seal. | ||
| He's still drinking. | ||
| Mark is such a... | ||
| Pop the tops! | ||
| I think I did it wrong. | ||
| He just tried to drink it without popping the top. | ||
| I popped the top. | ||
| Why are you being a sissy now? | ||
| I think I popped it enough. | ||
| No, you don't drink this sideways. | ||
| You don't lip it, either. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I've been lip it. | ||
| I've been fluting it. | ||
| It's got to be one big thing. | ||
| I'll do it again later. | ||
| I'll get it right. | ||
| Give him another one to redeem himself. | ||
| Give me ten minutes, you queefs. | ||
| Yeah, let's wait it out. | ||
| What the heck, Joe? | ||
| You know, I saw a donkey show in Mexico. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah, speaking of donkeys. | ||
| It wasn't good. | ||
| I thought those were fake. | ||
| No, I saw it. | ||
| I went to Mexico with a bunch of guys. | ||
| The guy goes, you want to see a donkey show? | ||
| We took a walk for like a half hour. | ||
| And then we went to a barn. | ||
| There's a circle of dudes. | ||
| A hot girl comes out, dances. | ||
| They bring a donkey out. | ||
| He's missing patches of fur, the whole thing. | ||
| They flip the donkey over. | ||
| She blows it. | ||
| Gives the donkey a boner. | ||
| She was pretty hot. | ||
| And then she sits on it. | ||
| She's probably a young girl. | ||
| I had to walk away. | ||
| Oh, she sits on it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| Huge donkey donk, by the way. | ||
| How far did she get? | ||
| Probably eight inches. | ||
| How much did you come? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| You didn't whack? | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| It was too sad. | ||
| Were dudes whacking? | ||
| Did you whack for later? | ||
| They weren't whacking, but you could tell they were retaining for later. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Did you walk to it later? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you allowed to bring your phone? | ||
| No, this is 90s. | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| Mexico? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which part? | ||
| Outside of Boys Town. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| Matamora? | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| This could be called Boys Town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| That's not bad. | ||
| Isn't that what happened in the Franklin scandal? | ||
| Where's Matamora? | ||
| Donkey's show every night. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It didn't look like that. | ||
| It says donkey's show with an apostrophe before the S. That means this show belongs to the donkeys. | ||
| It's possessive. | ||
| It's his show. | ||
| It's like Ari's show. | ||
| Ari's show. | ||
| Jimmy Donkey runs this show every Saturday. | ||
| Ari's show every night. | ||
| Coronavirus. | ||
| It's Ari's show, everybody. | ||
| A lot of chicken fucking at my show. | ||
| Covered in beer here. | ||
| Yeah, you get a little covered in beard. | ||
| Next thing you know, you stink like beer. | ||
| Remember funneling? | ||
| That was big. | ||
| Funneling's great. | ||
| It's a version of this. | ||
| It works. | ||
| Funneling's better than shotgunning. | ||
| I don't like shotgunning that much. | ||
| Well, we used to do that with weed in the early days of the podcast. | ||
| We'd do that volcano. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| That's too much. | ||
| Too much. | ||
| Too much. | ||
| That's half the podcast we did. | ||
| We were destroyed. | ||
| Destroyed. | ||
| I don't know how this caught on when it was unlistenable for four years. | ||
| What are the odds? | ||
| Imagine if we were like halfway deep into a bag, a volcano bag, and I said, bro, one day, this is going to be the most listened to thing on the earth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Delusional. | ||
| And one day? | ||
| That's why I don't really love weed. | ||
| When I started, it was always college, and we were always just crushing gravity bonks. | ||
| You just didn't get high with Joey Diaz. | ||
| If you got high with Joey Diaz, you would appreciate it. | ||
| That sounds scary. | ||
| Oh my god, it's the best. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! | |
| But I like other drugs. | ||
| Other drugs are great. | ||
| And then weed. | ||
| Stanhope's the same way. | ||
| A lot of you like long day drinkers. | ||
| You guys don't like the weed. | ||
| Because it makes you think about all the things that are going wrong in your body. | ||
| Why am I drinking in the first place? | ||
| Why are you taking shots at me in Stanhope? | ||
| Because you're a big target. | ||
| You both have gross bodies. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Isn't that what happens? | ||
| What? | ||
| You start thinking, I do. | ||
| No, I'm not like, oh man, I've been drinking. | ||
| Well, now I would, because I have been drinking. | ||
| Now I have been drinking too much. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| But I didn't like weed before. | ||
| Same. | ||
| I smoked in like 5th or 6th grade. | ||
| He's going to go yak. | ||
| What? | ||
| It brings out the evil in it. | ||
| It's just like, you think about negative, it's all bad. | ||
| No, I'm not thinking about, I'm not even getting introspective. | ||
| I'll just get high and be like, dude, I'm gonna have to give my dad's eulogy someday. | ||
| Yeah, that's introspective. | ||
| Just always, always. | ||
| I'll blow my weed right at you from now on. | ||
| I'll take it. | ||
| Contact high. | ||
| I mean, once I get, dude, look at my BLs blocking your fucking negative energy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My BLs. | |
| These are my crystals. | ||
| My BLs. | ||
| My crystals. | ||
| Look at my beautiful crystals. | ||
| Weed looks fun. | ||
| You know, I see it. | ||
| I'm like, man, you guys look cool smoking it. | ||
| You guys wake up and smoke it. | ||
| You're tolerant super high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Every time I do it, I regret it right away. | ||
| And then they criticize guys like me drinking Bud Light. | ||
| When I first started taking Ari, they all get high and act superior. | ||
| When I first started taking Ari on the road with me, I'd get them... | ||
| Ridiculously hot. | ||
| Too hot. | ||
| Like, can't handle the show. | ||
| But that's not fun. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| It was fun for him. | ||
| It was fun for him. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Watching me just stare at a crowd and be like, what are we even doing here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| You eventually figured out how to be relaxed and do comedy high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eventually. | |
| Eventually, but those shows were fun. | ||
| It just took time. | ||
| It just took a little time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just had to work it out. | ||
| You gotta get your tolerance up. | ||
| Yeah, you get your tolerance up. | ||
| But also it was like that thing about the shows where it's just experimental. | ||
| Like, go have fun. | ||
| You're supposed to have fun. | ||
| Be silly. | ||
| You got great jokes. | ||
| It was the best where you're like, I'm gonna get too high. | ||
| You're like, you don't work this club. | ||
| This is like a massive club. | ||
| You wouldn't for me. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| So I don't care. | ||
| So go for it. | ||
| Well, I just wanted you to not be nervous. | ||
| I go, you can never get fired. | ||
| That's what I said to you. | ||
| I go, you'll never, you can never get fired. | ||
| You don't have to worry. | ||
| I go, you're gonna, we're gonna be working together. | ||
| Like, it doesn't matter. | ||
| This is just fun. | ||
| Let's have fun. | ||
| One time I did, I did like 46 at the, at the, um, Denver. | ||
| I was like, oh my God, Red Band showed me. | ||
| I was like, no, I did like 30. | ||
| He goes, no, I'll show you on the tape. | ||
| Wait, you opened it? | ||
| Opened at 40 feet. | ||
| He did 46 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was too high. | |
| Oh, you were high. | ||
| But he killed. | ||
| I was apologizing. | ||
| I was like, I'm really sorry. | ||
| And Joe's like, I don't care. | ||
| I really don't care. | ||
| He could get high before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was great. | |
| That's like fucking Norman at Vulcan, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You did 40 again last night. | ||
| The old Norman 24. | ||
| I got the light. | ||
| I got right off. | ||
| Over 20. | ||
| I was there when you got the light. | ||
| You got the light at 10, you were on until at least 18. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What a fucking line up. | ||
| I got the light right out and got out of there. | ||
| No, you did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Second light. | |
| Really? | ||
| I never saw the first light. | ||
| We're at 17, what should I do? | ||
| What? | ||
| The Asian Kid? | ||
| How do you not know when you're doubling your time? | ||
| Well, first of all, we started drinking at noon. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Do you set that digital watch? | ||
| Do you have a stopwatch on that, bitch? | ||
| I don't know how I did that, and I don't know how to take it off. | ||
| Timex, $10. | ||
| Oh, get another watch, bitch. | ||
| You want to give me an Omega? | ||
| Yeah, will you buy us nice things? | ||
| I love that Omega. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Best looking watch on the planet. | ||
| Will you buy us nice things? | ||
| Can I have some nice things? | ||
| Yeah, what do you want? | ||
| Cool watches. | ||
| I'll give you a watch. | ||
| Better girlfriends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I can't buy you people, but I'll buy you a watch. | ||
| A cigar necklace. | ||
| What kind of watches do you like? | ||
| Bud Light watch. | ||
| I like... | ||
| They're like Omegas? | ||
| They're my favorite. | ||
| Those are my favorite, too. | ||
| The Moon Man or whatever it is. | ||
| Yeah, I love that. | ||
| Speedmaster. | ||
| That ain't you, dude. | ||
| Yeah, Speedmaster's a perfect watch for a first watch. | ||
| Norman, you can like a watch. | ||
| Shane, that's not your thing. | ||
| It's a great watch. | ||
| I'll never wear it. | ||
| You can't pull it off. | ||
| That Speedmaster is a watch that they literally wore in the Apollo program. | ||
| It's a good-looking watch. | ||
| It's outdated. | ||
| Because it winds. | ||
| They exploded. | ||
| It's a fucking great watch. | ||
| It's basically bulletproof. | ||
| Such a good watch. | ||
| It's a beautiful watch. | ||
| Apollo Theater. | ||
| No, iPhone's better for telling the time if it's on. | ||
| But if you're a man who wants to wear a bracelet, it's an excuse. | ||
| You know what I like? | ||
| A little phone. | ||
| It's not a man who wears bracelets, Ari. | ||
| More of a phone guy. | ||
| It's an appreciator of engineering. | ||
| Like, this is a Seiko. | ||
| This watch is like, there's little gears in there that are keeping it running. | ||
| Like, I'm not winding it. | ||
| It's just the movement of my arm. | ||
| It's cool, but we're still wearing a bracelet to show that. | ||
| No, it's a fucking dive watch, bitch. | ||
| I can find out what time it is if I'm underwater. | ||
| You're a scuba dude. | ||
| That's what everyone says about you. | ||
| Joe left the right and the left. | ||
| He's into scuba now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was never on the right. | |
| You're fucking leaning into the narrative. | ||
| I was never on the right, Ari. | ||
| You're a right-wing guy. | ||
| Ari's a piece of shit. | ||
| This is the watch that Captain Willard wore in Apocalypse Now. | ||
| They wore that when they invaded Iraq. | ||
| That's the one that Martin Sheen wore in that movie. | ||
| Alright, that's neat. | ||
| Bro, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Dope as fuck. | ||
| I checked the time. | ||
| I said it was neat. | ||
| I timed my sauna sessions with it. | ||
| See, I take this and I rotate it and I'll make it to 20 minutes. | ||
| You can't use a phone in a sauna. | ||
| Are you nuts? | ||
| No, I'm talking about regular life. | ||
| It's better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can leave it in your pocket. | |
| You look at it less. | ||
| You actually look. | ||
| Yeah, I love the watch. | ||
| Well, I'm asking genuinely. | ||
| I like watches because I like engineering. | ||
| I'm into things that people build. | ||
| Because I think about how they built it. | ||
| I think about, like, if I look at an automatic watch, I think, like, how many fucking people are involved in this? | ||
| Figuring out how to make all these gears work so perfectly that each movement is one second exactly. | ||
| And if they're off, like, three seconds a month, it's a lot. | ||
| These are crazy precise, and they're these weird machines that operate on the movement of your body. | ||
| I'm fascinated by them. | ||
| You can also find them in every classroom in America. | ||
| Yeah, you can, but you can't find this kind. | ||
| This exact. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The kind you can find are the ones that have batteries, which is actually better. | ||
| Why are you criticizing watches? | ||
| You were too. | ||
| We were on the same side on this. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We were on the same side on this. | ||
| Batteries are fucking... | ||
| Batteries are better. | ||
| Batteries are more accurate. | ||
| Because he's killing it right now with this watch speech. | ||
| I mean, he makes a good argument. | ||
| And your arguments stick. | ||
| You're a fucking kite flyer. | ||
| You go where the winds go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a kite flyer! | |
| You're a kite flyer! | ||
| I've never heard that. | ||
| You think that's funny, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a great statement. | |
| Is that a Jewish letter? | ||
| I'm not saying it's true. | ||
| I don't think it's true. | ||
| I don't agree with him. | ||
| But that's a great fucking pejorative. | ||
| What's a kite flyer? | ||
| He fucking goes where the winds go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He fucking changes his opinion. | |
| Whatever the fucking winds blow. | ||
| How good is that? | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Where have you heard that? | ||
| I made it up right now! | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because this kite flyer was so obvious about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you make it up? | |
| He's partially responsible for fucking shifting In a moment's notice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari, you've peaked as a person. | |
| That's the best thing you've ever said in your life. | ||
| If you really just invented that right now, kite flyer, that's amazing. | ||
| He's gonna lie and say he invented it. | ||
| He is a liar. | ||
| There's zero chance you invented that. | ||
| Tell me, I don't know. | ||
| I know how embarrassing it'll be if I'm wrong. | ||
| You are wrong. | ||
| You are wrong. | ||
| You're a kite flyer. | ||
| You're a kite flyer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would know. | |
| Roll it out. | ||
| Roll it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm trying to. | |
| Look it up. | ||
| Oh, on your knees is how you should apologize to me. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| Kaepernick. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I knew this was going to happen, dude. | ||
| I knew you could shotgun one beer and fall apart. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like a coward. | ||
| Well, he's old. | ||
| Third hamburgers are on you tonight. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Is that another bad turn? | ||
| Third hamburgers are on you tonight? | ||
| Third hamburgers are on you? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| It means he eats three hamburgers. | ||
| Who eats three hamburgers? | ||
| It was a poor attempt at a joke about my physique. | ||
| Fair enough. | ||
| How many meals did you eat on the flight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| I had one meal on the floor. | ||
| I had two. | ||
| And then I went to the show. | ||
| Oh, you had two. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I take it back. | ||
| I was wrong on that one. | ||
| You are making fun of his gluttony for eating three delicious hamburgers? | ||
| Are you talking about Golden Tiger Burgers? | ||
| I ate three and a chicken sandwich. | ||
| You're obese. | ||
| I am obese technically. | ||
| I know that being like somewhat skinny is like one of the only good features you have in your entire life. | ||
| Look up Kite Flyer. | ||
| He's tall. | ||
| When Ari got into that Sober October thing... | ||
| Have you seen him lately? | ||
| I've got a lot of back hair. | ||
| Kite flying! | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Meaning of kite flying. | ||
| Yeah, we know that part. | ||
| The act of trying to find out what people's opinions about something new will be by informally spreading news of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you didn't invent this dude. | |
| Google's already all over this. | ||
| No, that ain't at all what I said. | ||
| That's not at all what I said. | ||
| You just didn't understand the saying. | ||
| It says kite flying. | ||
| Yeah, that ain't anything. | ||
| Of course, Joe. | ||
| He knew about that. | ||
| Just stay on my side of the house. | ||
| Watch yourself, you fucking kite flyer. | ||
| This is definitely different, because Ari's kite flyer is way better than the Wikipedia kite flyer. | ||
| The Oxford Dictionary kite flyer sucks. | ||
| We can't let him... | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| It says the act of kite flying is the act of trying to find out what people's opinions about something new will be by informally spreading news of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| So he didn't know the saying he tried to use. | ||
| He made his own saying. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I made it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't understand the arguments because you're from central nowhere. | |
| You can't say Ari's dumb. | ||
| No, Jew school is very good. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You can say you don't like his nose. | ||
| How was Jew school? | ||
| You can say you wish he didn't dye his hair blonde. | ||
| Did the Jews get mad at you? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Later. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got called a piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By who? | |
| By the rabbi? | ||
| Some lady from an audience. | ||
| She waited outside and I passed by. | ||
| Ian Finance told me she was mad. | ||
| I didn't know who it was. | ||
| I passed by outside and she goes, you're a piece of shit. | ||
| For what? | ||
| Holocaust joke. | ||
| But you were in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's funny about the Holocaust, dude? | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| Enlighten me. | ||
| What? | ||
| What's funny about that type of thing? | ||
| They all wear the same outfits? | ||
| Got a lot of shoes out of it. | ||
| It's like, oh man, you're wearing that today too? | ||
| You're wearing burlap again today? | ||
| Is that the joke? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you guys ever see that? | ||
| I was trying to pretend that wasn't funny and be like, oh, same outfit? | ||
| That's a good joke. | ||
| Just every day coming out and being like, ah, we're wearing the same thing again. | ||
| I was going to wear gray. | ||
| No, you're blue today. | ||
| Did you guys ever see that documentary called Dr. Death? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| It's a documentary about the guy... | ||
| Kevorkian? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He was a guy who made devices for death sentences. | ||
| And so these execution devices this guy made, he got hired by these people. | ||
| I think there were these... | ||
| I think they were Holocaust deniers. | ||
| And I think they hired him to go examine some of the gas chambers where they had killed the Jews. | ||
| I'm hard. | ||
| He gave an opinion that ultimately turned out to be very incorrect. | ||
| He gave an opinion that was either misinformed or something, but then he was ostracized. | ||
| Because he denied? | ||
| He essentially, it's not, I don't think he ever made a statement saying the Holocaust didn't happen. | ||
| But what he did do is say that this one particular area where they were showing him was not, as they described it, like a place where they executed people. | ||
| And he was wrong. | ||
| So it showed he wasn't an expert. | ||
| I don't know, but I remember it's a crazy thing because that's one of those things where if you're even examining the Holocaust, you're already in this shaky... | ||
| 6 million people killed. | ||
| It's so radioactive. | ||
| You get anywhere close to the Holocaust, it's so radioactive that anything... | ||
| It wasn't a great time. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's one of the worst times in human history ever. | |
| But the point is, if this guy had any sense, he would never have gone there. | ||
| He would have been like, what are you asking me to prove? | ||
| Are you asking me to prove people didn't die? | ||
| They know the people. | ||
| How many people do you think died? | ||
| That's what a lot of them say. | ||
| It was like 200,000. | ||
| Or 20,000? | ||
| I forget what they say. | ||
| What do the Holocaust deniers say? | ||
| They say some people die, but it was far exaggerated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is harder, scientifically, to be? | |
| To ignore? | ||
| Holocaust denier or flat earther? | ||
| Holocaust denier. | ||
| It's easier? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Holocaust denier, it's so crazy. | ||
| No, the flat earther is easier to deal with because it's just something's wrong. | ||
| Like this is like hitting the wrong... | ||
| Well, flat earther because you could be like, I've never seen the earth curve. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| We're on the same page. | ||
| I'm saying flat earther is easier to understand. | ||
| The Holocaust denier is like, why? | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Yeah, you have to ignore a lot of pictures. | ||
| Do you think no Jews died? | ||
| I don't think they think that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| A couple did. | ||
| Do you think a hundred? | ||
| Like, you tell me what you think it is, and then I'm like, why are you even thinking about this? | ||
| There's photographs of giant piles. | ||
| Piles of bodies. | ||
| But even if it's what they say, it was like 20,000. | ||
| Maybe they say 200. But let's say they said it was 20,000. | ||
| It's still like... | ||
| That's like a really bad... | ||
| You shouldn't round up 20,000 people and kill them. | ||
| And just because... | ||
| It's still pretty bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not great. | |
| That's the crazy thing. | ||
| It's just because of their religion. | ||
| That's what's even crazier. | ||
| Well, they're annoying. | ||
| If they can figure out how to... | ||
| Did you ever have one? | ||
| If you ever figure out how to other people, you can figure out how to other people, how astounding evil things can get done. | ||
| But that's a lot of work, putting all those people on trains. | ||
| That's impressive. | ||
| Are we denying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I went to the bathroom. | ||
| Are we starting a little denial? | ||
| We're talking about how impressive it is. | ||
| How impressive the Holocaust was? | ||
| Which way does the racists go? | ||
| It was impressive or it didn't happen? | ||
| Which way does a real racist go in the Holocaust? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Hitler fanboys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or Hitler deniers. | ||
| You're a Hitler denier. | ||
| You're less racist if you're a denier. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because you're just like, it didn't happen. | ||
| I don't want to believe that. | ||
| You think Hitler wasn't that good at killing people. | ||
| Yeah, he was great. | ||
| You can't deny it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't deny it. | |
| Top five. | ||
| No matter what. | ||
| No one talks about the blacks, the retards, and the gays. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| A lot of Hitler's were black, the retarded people. | ||
| Oh, that they killed. | ||
| The gays. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They killed a lot of other groups. | |
| They were pretty inclusive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| Gypsies, gay people, Catholics. | ||
| No way Catholics. | ||
| Germans killed the priests? | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because they were Catholics? | ||
| Catholics are good. | ||
| Catholics are good boys. | ||
| No. | ||
| And the Nazis were bad guys. | ||
| They saw us being good, me and my people, and they were like, we can't have you being good like this. | ||
| I don't think they grounded up the Catholics. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| History Gillis 101. They never touched the Catholics. | ||
| You guys want to talk history? | ||
| You know what's the creepiest thing about the Nazis? | ||
| Thousand clergy, bro. | ||
| What, is that not high enough? | ||
| Yeah, you got a lot of child rapists off the streets. | ||
| See, that's a nasty thing for you to say. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I go negative too often. | ||
| You're saying a thousand dudes who died in the Holocaust were child rapists? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That number was high. | ||
| Probably only 800 of them were like that. | ||
| How many million people died in the Holocaust? | ||
| What's the number? | ||
| Six. | ||
| Oh, total people. | ||
| Six million Jews. | ||
| Way more for everybody else. | ||
| Russians and everybody. | ||
| Russians, gypsies. | ||
| You don't know anything that even happened. | ||
| Russians died in the war. | ||
| Russians died in the war. | ||
| How many Russians died in the war? | ||
| Didn't they? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| How many Russians? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| If you include civilians, it's outrageous. | ||
| It's like 30 to 40 million. | ||
| Russians? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's too high. | ||
| Shane would know. | ||
| It's like 20. 20 million? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He wouldn't know. | |
| That's just during World War II. I'll get right here. | ||
| Soviet civilians, around 7 million. | ||
| Wow, look at the numbers. | ||
| No, it's all the number of deaths. | ||
| Jews, 6 million. | ||
| Soviet civilians, 7 million. | ||
| Soviet prisoners in war, 3 million, so now we're at 10. Jehovah's Witness had 1900, getting on the board. | ||
| Non-Jewish Polish citizens, 1.8 million. | ||
| Serbs, 312. People with disabilities living in institutions, up to 250,000. | ||
| Homos, 70,000. | ||
| No, homos are hundreds. | ||
| 70,000. | ||
| Repeat criminal offenders and so-called associals. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| 70,000 people. | ||
| So they killed 70,000 repeat offenders. | ||
| What if you were a Jewish gay? | ||
| Tough time to be alive. | ||
| Well, you were going either way. | ||
| You were going either way. | ||
| But you'd have to add, like, how do you want to go in? | ||
| What should you write on your thing? | ||
| Dude, that wasn't even 100 years ago. | ||
| That wasn't even 100 years ago. | ||
| People were bat-shit mad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And killing people over religion and killing people in enormous numbers and trying to take over continents and storming into fucking new boundaries and killing people and people are hiding people in their basements. | ||
| That shit was 80 years ago. | ||
| Post-electricity. | ||
| How wild is that? | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Well, it's just impressive that Hitler could have that much of an impact. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta keep an eye on Stalin, dude. | ||
| Mao too. | ||
| But where else did they go? | ||
| Mao killed his own. | ||
| You're talking about you've got to cross borders to do it? | ||
| That's impressive. | ||
| That's impressive. | ||
| There's a story, I forget who tells it, who told it that I read or listened to it. | ||
| They were talking about when Hitler was going to talk to Mussolini, and Mussolini apparently wanted to get out of the war, and Hitler, he was exhausted from the campaign. | ||
| So they shot him up with testosterone and cocaine. | ||
| Hitler? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he went running up to Mussolini, and he wouldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| They injected cocaine into him, apparently. | ||
| This might not be real. | ||
| Yeah, there's all those rumors about that. | ||
| But that he talked, like, fucking ranted at him for five hours, and Mussolini's like, I'm... | ||
| These fucking cokeheads. | ||
| Okay, I don't know what people are trying to make. | ||
| We've all had that talk where you're like, we're not going to open a bar, man. | ||
| Dude, he's just sitting with you like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm telling you, these fucking Jews, dude. | |
| Where's the pussy around here? | ||
| Do you think that one of the things that was epic about those times was not just how insane it was with the World War, with literally the world's at war, but this is the first time a guy who's as fucking psychotic as Hitler has a microphone. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Thank God I didn't have a podcast. | ||
| There was no microphone before then. | ||
| So there was no broadcast. | ||
| So you couldn't do a thing where you would have 50,000 people in a square and you're like, And the whole place was like, It's a wild... | ||
| The microphone changed everything. | ||
| He would have been on an apple cart in the square. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Even though it's psycho. | ||
| Like fucking the Thomas Jefferson days. | ||
| You know, the Lincoln days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| When they would stand out there and talk to people for five hours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is the first psychotic dictator that has a microphone. | ||
| It's a good point. | ||
| I mean, think about when you were with a heckler. | ||
| You have the mic. | ||
| You have so much advantage. | ||
| They were also... | ||
| Germans was up at the half. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| They were winning. | ||
| It's a sports game. | ||
| And then it turned around. | ||
| But he had to see a moment where he's like, I got this. | ||
| This is all going according to plan. | ||
| Take that, take that. | ||
| We're good. | ||
| He got greedy. | ||
| Also, micropenis. | ||
| That plays in. | ||
| That does play in. | ||
| I heard he had a huge dick. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I've heard micropenis. | ||
| It's a weird thing to focus on. | ||
| Well, it's a motivator. | ||
| It's like Kevin Hart. | ||
| If he was 6'2", he wouldn't be this hustly. | ||
| Guys with small dicks do work hard. | ||
| Oh, they work hard. | ||
| They gotta do it. | ||
| What is the Russian guy? | ||
| The Russian guy that fucked everybody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Putin. | |
| The giant dick. | ||
| You're thinking of... | ||
| Rasputin. | ||
| Rasputin. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He had a huge dog. | ||
| I wish you hadn't done that, dude. | ||
| I was gonna get it. | ||
| Yeah, I had it, Jamie! | ||
| Son of a bitch! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie thinks he's better than everybody. | |
| But Rasputin had a giant hog, and they actually pickled it. | ||
| So it's in formaldehyde. | ||
| You can see it? | ||
| You can see his hog. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| Weird shape. | ||
| By the way, that's his hog, Wimp. | ||
| Big dick energy. | ||
| Imagine how big that hog is. | ||
| It looks like a thumb, for real. | ||
| Upside down. | ||
| Oh no, it's way bigger than a thumb, bro. | ||
| That's your whole arm. | ||
| That is a root. | ||
| Even the foreskin couldn't keep up. | ||
| It's a turnip. | ||
| That does look like a root. | ||
| I think those were non-GMO dicks. | ||
| They were different back then. | ||
| Pickled 12 inches, it says. | ||
| 12 inches soft. | ||
| 12 inches soft. | ||
| If you have a dick that good, of course you can predict the future. | ||
| Big dick energy. | ||
| That guy was fucking everybody, and they had to kill him. | ||
| Do you think they could have juiced it up before they stuck it in there? | ||
| He was a giant dick freak. | ||
| Rasputin was Pete Davidson, and everyone was like, why is this guy fucking everything? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Somebody was like, I'm the czar, dude. | ||
| Pete Davidson with a John Holmes dick. | ||
| Who's Rasputin? | ||
| He's a Russian guy who seduced the wives of these guys. | ||
| Russia's greatest love machine. | ||
| According to a 1978 song by Eurodisco group Bonnie M. That one woman claimed to have such an intense orgasm that she fainted. | ||
| He's a giant hog. | ||
| This is the number one dance hit of all time. | ||
| What they're talking about right now. | ||
| The question is, does the mystical genitalia of the scandalous holy man simply exist in legend, or is it really still hanging around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, we got the proof! | |
| He was like a priest, Tsar, Nicholas brought him in. | ||
| There's a hog. | ||
| You know, I think it's like swollen with water because it's been sitting in there for a while. | ||
| Well, 12 inches swollen. | ||
| Stop complimenting yourself. | ||
| You could leave your dick in a jar for a million years. | ||
| It's soft, but it's engorged with water. | ||
| His dick has a knuckle. | ||
| It did some work to it. | ||
| Even the force has given up. | ||
| It's like, I can't make it to the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Jamie might be right. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, it's a gorge. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I think there's a stick in there. | ||
| That's a wart. | ||
| They cut a wart out. | ||
| Oh, you're right. | ||
| I think there might be a stick in there that's keeping it stretched out. | ||
| See, if you look at the tip of it, it looks like it's filled with something. | ||
| Like they stuck a fucking Sharpie in there or something. | ||
| Well, I think on his deathbed he's like, put a stick in my dick, will you? | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| That's why the head looks so... | ||
| How do you get people to go to that museum? | ||
| Fluff me up before I die. | ||
| Well, you shouldn't go to that museum now unless you're in the neighborhood. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Hold on, I got a good one. | ||
| Shane's got one. | ||
| They're going to preserve mine in a shot glass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, you guys kept yapping. | ||
| I'm out here with gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There we go. | |
| I'm out here with gold, dude. | ||
| That's what every man's afraid of, like a hypnotic mysticism type thing. | ||
| Tricking all your dumb wives. | ||
| Giant hog. | ||
| Because deep down we all know our women are dumb as hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And just any old fucking moron off the street can trick him. | |
| Especially with a huge dog. | ||
| Yeah, especially if he's got like beads in his beard. | ||
| A robe with stars on it. | ||
| He's got like some Lou Albano shit type going on. | ||
| Nah, I hate a guy with beads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And your dumb girl. | |
| Beads in your beard. | ||
| It's like you pretend to know a lot about astrology. | ||
| You've got beads in your beard. | ||
| I can't talk to you. | ||
| I'm with the guys who killed Rasputin. | ||
| This gets weird. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| This gets very weird right here. | ||
| What's weird? | ||
| Read it. | ||
| Legend says the 1920s Rasputin's daughter Maria, then a circus performer, who later tamed lions with the Hagenbeck-Wallace Circus, discovered a group of women in Paris that had been venerating her father's penis. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Hold on, we gotta look at that word. | ||
| What is venerating? | ||
| No one knows what that word is. | ||
| Bragging about? | ||
| Talking about? | ||
| You don't know what venerating means? | ||
| Stop saying it before looking. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What does venerating mean? | ||
| It means like praising. | ||
| What are you, a fool? | ||
| Did they teach you nothing at Jew high school? | ||
| It's to regard with reverential respect or admiring deference. | ||
| He was right. | ||
| Yes, he's right. | ||
| I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong. | ||
| An icon or a relic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do that. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Venerating her father's penis. | ||
| They believed it could bestow fertility. | ||
| And they even handed out small pieces of it to those in need. | ||
| Like a relic. | ||
| Women who needed fertility would get a small piece of her dad's hog. | ||
| This is all crap. | ||
| I heard you can get a piece of his dick now for $99 million. | ||
| It's all not true. | ||
| It's like Bitcoin. | ||
| That's what Bitcoin is. | ||
| I heard you get a free cup of rhino horn tea. | ||
| Oh, the Asians. | ||
| A lot of people have that thing with rhino horns. | ||
| Grind it up. | ||
| Because it's not even good, but the idea is that rhinos are so close to being extinct that if you're one of those motherfuckers drinking rhino tea, you're living on top of the world. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| It's prestigious. | ||
| Are you hanging out with those people? | ||
| It's an Asia thing. | ||
| Actually, now I like it. | ||
| In some parts of Asia, it's only the creepiest of the creepy people. | ||
| It's not a normal thing. | ||
| You don't see black guys doing that stuff. | ||
| There was a place somewhere, I think it was in China, where this guy wrote this story about going to this place, and it's like an exotic thing that only happens once a year, but they serve them endangered species. | ||
| So they sit down, and protected species, I should say. | ||
| So you sit down, you can eat like lion, you can eat a gorilla. | ||
| Dodo burger. | ||
| Yeah, wild shit. | ||
| I forget where I read it. | ||
| It's the Squid Games people. | ||
| The problem is if you read something like that, it might just be some asshole journalist who thinks he's cute, who's going to make up some story about, like, how much documentation do you have to have about an anonymous place in China where they're serving guerrilla? | ||
| You can't trust anything you read. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hard. | |
| Right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pretty much zero. | |
| That's disinformation. | ||
| You hear that, Gupta? | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| You're not allowed to claim disinformation. | ||
| It's hard to know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You can only be accused of disinformation. | ||
| I thought it was misinformation. | ||
| Well, we're finding out now that all that shit that people got kicked off of YouTube for, the fucking CDC says now. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| It keeps flipping. | ||
| Well, it's going to keep flipping until the truth comes out. | ||
| There's a lot of what people already knew, like people that are experts in certain aspects, like that it's not dangerous for kids, or that a lot of the people that are getting it really badly are obese. | ||
| Everybody knew this. | ||
| But if you said it, For a while, it was a real fucking problem. | ||
| Like, you'd get eliminated and removed from platforms. | ||
| Now, all of a sudden, Jake Tapper can say it. | ||
| They can say, you know, how many people were hospitalized with COVID or because of COVID. Like, if you went into the fucking hospital and you had a broken leg, what are they saying? | ||
| Are you saying you're in the hospital because you have COVID? Or did you break your leg? | ||
| Can I just ask to make sure I know the right numbers? | ||
| Well, it's like they're starting to come clean on that now. | ||
| But they never seem to go, hey, we were wrong about that. | ||
| Sorry, everybody. | ||
| Yeah, they just move past it. | ||
| Yeah, they just keep going. | ||
| Well, that's what I do. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| In their defense, the science changes. | ||
| The science changes, but just say the science changes. | ||
| Yeah, but just go, okay, hey, turns out we were wrong, everybody. | ||
| I said that earlier. | ||
| Take your tweet down, at least. | ||
| They're not allowed to question the science, and that's where things become a problem. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Like, the science changes, but sometimes some scientists have already anticipated that it's going to change. | ||
| They're like, this is new stuff. | ||
| But if you say it too soon, people get mad at you instead of just examining it. | ||
| Joe, can I stop you there? | ||
| I trust the science, dude. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| I do. | ||
| You're pissing me off with this stuff. | ||
| I do. | ||
| You're fucking pissing me off. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I'm getting nicotine. | ||
| Ew, what is those? | ||
| Patches? | ||
| I trust the science, too. | ||
| Do you want a cigar? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| You don't like cigars? | ||
| You want one? | ||
| Ari wants one. | ||
| Yeah, if you guys do them. | ||
| Stop pretending you like cigars. | ||
| Come on, I love cigars. | ||
| Oh yeah, he does like cigars. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| He loves them. | ||
| Yeah, sorry I accused you of faking. | ||
| Ari and I have been smoking cigars for decades, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anybody want one? | |
| Alright, you talked me into it. | ||
| What are we getting? | ||
| These JRE cigars. | ||
| But Joe, I am serious. | ||
| Stop goofing off and joking about this type of COVID stuff. | ||
| Can you snip that? | ||
| It pisses me off. | ||
| Dr. Fauci. | ||
| Want me to do it for you? | ||
| If you're listening. | ||
| Yeah, I'm on Team Shane. | ||
| Dr. Fauci. | ||
| Dr. Fauci. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fucking trying to hang out, dude. | |
| There you go. | ||
| This is the best one. | ||
| It puts like a slice in it. | ||
| Oh, I like those. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| I like those. | ||
| Labia. | ||
| I don't want a cigar yet. | ||
| So many fucking good cigars. | ||
| So we got a show tonight, huh? | ||
| Who's your guys' favorite? | ||
| How about last night? | ||
| That was great. | ||
| Hans Kim, Tom Segura, Ari Shafir, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Talking about today, best lineup in the world that day. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Tom Segura. | ||
| Could've used some diversity. | ||
| We got a... | ||
| Hans? | ||
| I'm technically a Jew. | ||
| Tom's a fucking Mexican. | ||
| I'm technically a Jew. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Not according to them. | ||
| They don't claim you. | ||
| They don't like you after you abandon them. | ||
| I have to take off. | ||
| I do not talk much to my old friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| It has put it straight in our relationships. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| Is it an issue? | ||
| Eating at one of very few places to eat. | ||
| That white one is a lighter tube. | ||
| What are they up to? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I gotta fill that one. | ||
| Scheming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Plotting. | |
| Scheming. | ||
| Plotting. | ||
| Plotting the next big win. | ||
| Don't be hatin' that they're makin' that money. | ||
| This is what no one can say about Jews. | ||
| Here's a big thing about Jews. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| How many fucking people that are Jewish have won the Nobel Prize? | ||
| I mean, it's astonishing. | ||
| Massive amount. | ||
| Percentage-wise? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're looking at a characteristic... | ||
| Who's giving out the prize, dude? | ||
| Who's voting for the new... | ||
| That's what you never forget. | ||
| It's a good point. | ||
| It's a good point. | ||
| There's no Jews left in Norway. | ||
| It's just Jews voting. | ||
| They're like, you know who's the best? | ||
| Us, again. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's the best Jewish place ever. | ||
| Oh my god, it's us again! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| You've, like, combined Woody Allen with, like, some sitcom star. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out who it is. | ||
| You couldn't help but make it, like, a little more redneck. | ||
| And the Nobel Prize! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Nobel Prize for best guy goes to us again. | |
| We have one of those massive amounts. | ||
| That's fucking dead on, though. | ||
| That's gonna be an issue. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, I feel left out, dude. | ||
| You guys waited until I packed one of these fucking tight-ass sins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, that's good. | |
| Do both at once. | ||
| No, it's too much nicotine. | ||
| My heart is close to exploding. | ||
| My heart is on the brink. | ||
| Nicotine, I don't believe, is bad for you. | ||
| It's bad for your heart, certainly. | ||
| Nicotine is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, we started Googling this once and we stopped. | ||
| Good for your alertness. | ||
| It's like that nicotine is a supplement. | ||
| I thought it was like a medication for your heart. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, it's definitely bad. | ||
| If you're a big fat guy, you shouldn't be crushing it. | ||
| Yeah, it dilates blood vessels or something like that. | ||
| You're a big guy? | ||
| I'm trying to tell you, it's a supplement, bro. | ||
| You're doing great. | ||
| Thank you, dude. | ||
| Here it says, Nicotine's a dangerous and highly addictive chemical. | ||
| Dangerous! | ||
| It can cause an increase in blood pressure, heart rate, flow of blood to the heart, and narrowing of the arteries, vessels that carry blood. | ||
| Ay-yi-yi! | ||
| Nicotine may also contribute to the hardening of arterial walls, which in turn may lead to a fucking heart attack. | ||
| What happens- What do chicken wings do? | ||
| What do chicken wings do? | ||
| They give you a heart attack. | ||
| They also do heart attacks? | ||
| Okay, will you just look up... | ||
| It's nicotine. | ||
| I know, I know, I know. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Will you look up... | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Not nootropic. | ||
| Just look up medicinal benefits of nicotine, please. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Nicotine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nicotine. | |
| All right, all right. | ||
| So here we go. | ||
| Let's put some letters in there. | ||
| Okay, here we go. | ||
| When chronically taken, nicotine may result in positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, reduction of body weight, enhancement of performance, and protection against Parkinson's disease, Tourette's disease, Alzheimer's disease, ulcerative colitis, and sleep apnea. | ||
| Those are not benefits. | ||
| What are those? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, but it says benefits, but they're not. | |
| Enhancement of performance and protection against Parkinson's, Tourette's, Alzheimer's. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Protection against. | ||
| I just want positive reinforcement. | ||
| Jamie's like, it gives you Parkinson's wig. | ||
| No, that's not what it does. | ||
| What's negative reinforcement? | ||
| Jamie, you must feel like a fucking idiot. | ||
| Some kind of clown. | ||
| You're not going to be on the show anymore. | ||
| No, Jamie. | ||
| You are right. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Did I just get fired by Shane? | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Jamie, what does that mean? | ||
| Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement. | ||
| What the fuck does that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Reduction of body weight isn't good if you're skinny. | |
| But both those things together, like look at that, it may result in positive or negative. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Why are you attributing it to the nicotine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it could do either or. | ||
| It could be horrible or amazing. | ||
| That's like weed. | ||
| Weed gives some of you guys positive reno. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Are we talking about nicotine now? | ||
| Can I just say that you owe me an apology for the years that you screamed at me for smoking cigarettes and I see you smoking a fucking cigarette? | ||
| I smoke a cigarette before a show all the time. | ||
| That was a couple though. | ||
| You had a couple. | ||
| You gotta add that to like, hey, sorry about those years where I fucking- Get them, Ari! | ||
| Get them, Ari! | ||
| It's time for you to bulldog. | ||
| The problem is- Get in there, Jewface! | ||
| The problem is, as I smoke this cigar filled with nicotine, I'm not addicted like you. | ||
| Oh, come on! | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| You're too smart for this. | ||
| You're too smart. | ||
| Why are you smoking? | ||
| And you're a fucking smoker. | ||
| Only for four shows? | ||
| How many times do you do shows? | ||
| Every day? | ||
| No, not every day. | ||
| He does 20 shows a day now. | ||
| I like to smoke two cigarettes before a show. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| It gives you a wild head rush. | ||
| You know what cigarettes have? | ||
| You would like these. | ||
| Like as a strategy. | ||
| You would like those? | ||
| Cigarettes have a lot of... | ||
| Fuck it energy to them. | ||
| There's something about the... | ||
| And I don't think you should smoke cigarettes, kids. | ||
| But there's something about the act of cigarettes that to me is like... | ||
| Pregnant women, smoke away. | ||
| It's similar to the act of drinking a shot of whiskey. | ||
| It's like, jeez, are you starting a forest fire? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing over there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck, dude? | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| Ari's pretending he's good at cigars, and it bothers me. | ||
| I know how to smoke. | ||
| Well, he hangs out with Bobby Kelly. | ||
| The thing is, there's shots of whiskey, shots of tequila, those types of things, even a cigarette. | ||
| They have a lot of fuck it energy. | ||
| It's like, let's go. | ||
| Yeah, dude, cigarettes are awesome. | ||
| That's what I was trying to tell you all along. | ||
| You were doing them all day, every day. | ||
| They're awesome! | ||
| Oscom. | ||
| Good name for the group. | ||
| Oscom. | ||
| Auschwitz. | ||
| We can't name the group, dude. | ||
| We're going to get it. | ||
| Naming the group is gay. | ||
| Shane's against nickname. | ||
| How about we call ourselves Amazon Prime? | ||
| Amazon Prime's a great nickname. | ||
| Good name for a transformer. | ||
| Amazon Prime is good. | ||
| How about... | ||
| How about Bezos' new look, huh? | ||
| He looks hot. | ||
| He's hot. | ||
| People are mad that Bezos is out having fun. | ||
| He's having fun. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| What are you supposed to do when you have 183 billion? | ||
| Well, he dresses like Pitbull. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That was a party. | ||
| He was at a disco party. | ||
| Oh, it was? | ||
| Yeah, it was a costume party. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| Somebody, I think, tweeted it. | ||
| It was like, here's the two richest guys on earth, and it was just Elon Musk tweeting memes that are fucking stupid. | ||
| And then Bezos hammered You expect to be a world leader. | ||
| They're just fucking 38-year-olds with cash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Live it up. | |
| You got the money. | ||
| Yeah, I have like 40 bucks and I'm getting fucked up. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Wouldn't you be disappointed if he didn't live that way? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If he didn't have this lady friend that's as hot as the sun? | ||
| You want him going to church? | ||
| Actually, she was fair to Midland, I'll be honest. | ||
| He's got $3 million cars. | ||
| I was doing better than Bezos when it came to Snizz. | ||
| I think it was worth the half a billion dollars to get rid of him. | ||
| This is what he wants. | ||
| He wants a super hot lady that's his age. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| See, when you're as old as he is, this is as old as I am. | ||
| I'll never be as old as him. | ||
| You're gonna die before that time. | ||
| Who is Lauren Sanchez? | ||
| That's his wife. | ||
| Or his new girlfriend or whatever. | ||
| Dan, Bezos is yoked. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| He looks like Joe Rogan. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He's got that one vein that goes all the way down like the fucking Andy's. | ||
| Yeah, he's jacked. | ||
| He kind of looks like the guy from, uh, is it Robert Blake? | ||
| Jeff Bezos, listen to me. | ||
| You gotta learn jujitsu. | ||
| The jinx. | ||
| That's your next thing. | ||
| I know you don't have a job anymore. | ||
| You quit. | ||
| He quit? | ||
| Yeah, he's quit. | ||
| He's fucking hanging out and balling. | ||
| He's like, I'm just enjoying this now. | ||
| With 183 billion dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| He got out. | ||
| He stopped being the CEO. Oh, well then let him do whatever. | ||
| I'm sure he wants. | ||
| He's living life. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Haters. | ||
| He probably still has a lot of stuff that he does. | ||
| I thought he was controlling the global slave factory. | ||
| See, it's a disco party. | ||
| Look, everybody's dressed in silver. | ||
| That's Apple. | ||
| They're all silly. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Gonzalez? | ||
| He's balling out of control. | ||
| That was a fun party I heard. | ||
| Free suicide? | ||
| A lot of people at that party. | ||
| He's balling out of control. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Yeah, good for him! | ||
| Why can't you say good for him? | ||
| What's he supposed to be doing? | ||
| Why does everybody gotta be a hater? | ||
| Yeah, what else is he gonna do? | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| That shirt is awesome, that jacket's awesome. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| But people want you when you're that far ahead of the game, like the game of like, how rich can you get? | ||
| Most people are fucking barely paying their bills. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| How old do you think you're gonna be when your body stops working? | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| I think 55 in those last five years. | ||
| I don't think the body's going to give out. | ||
| He'll get into drunk driving. | ||
| I don't drink and drive. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You drove me here. | ||
| Guys, I can turn this ship around whenever I want. | ||
| That's what drunks always... | ||
| My dad said that before he hit my mom. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| No. | ||
| That should be the JRA clip this week. | ||
| Yeah, pull the picture of my mama with the black eye. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| What the fuck, Mark? | ||
| Just find a regular picture of your mom and edit in a black eye. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| Find a good one. | ||
| Flattering pose. | ||
| Pull up Rihanna. | ||
| The question was, when do you think my body's gonna shut down? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| It's shortly. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's happening now. | ||
| I can feel it. | ||
| When I wake up. | ||
| Oh, that's not good. | ||
| I thought we were joking around here. | ||
| Well, no, it's not a funny joke, dude. | ||
| I didn't know you were hurting. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You wake up, you're like, where the fuck am I? Well, maybe it cooled on the crystals. | |
| No, I like these. | ||
| Oh, the one thing I like? | ||
| You like comedy. | ||
| You like your lady? | ||
| Come on, buddy. | ||
| No, I'm joshing around, dude. | ||
| I can turn this around whenever I feel like it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You think I'm gone? | ||
| I'm worried about it. | ||
| I don't think you can turn it around. | ||
| You're worried about it? | ||
| No, you're not turning it around. | ||
| You're staying that way forever. | ||
| Why are you guys worried about it? | ||
| I'm not worried about it. | ||
| I'm seeing you shirtless. | ||
| I worry about people. | ||
| I saw you guys shirtless, dude. | ||
| I wasn't saying anything. | ||
| It wasn't great. | ||
| I'm 20 pounds overweight right now. | ||
| It's bad, dude. | ||
| You're not 20 pounds. | ||
| I'll be down to that in one month. | ||
| You look like a hairless cat. | ||
| You ever see one of those cats? | ||
| That's exactly what Ari looks like. | ||
| And you were wearing underwear? | ||
| You were wearing skivvies only? | ||
| Pull up the picture of the cat, the hairless cat. | ||
| The face looks just like Ari. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| That is Ari! | ||
| That's insane! | ||
| That looks like Ari after a shower. | ||
| Look at the face. | ||
| Those are weird cats. | ||
| That is an anti-Semitic cat. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Anti-Semitic. | ||
| It's completely Semitic. | ||
| Oh, you're right. | ||
| That cat. | ||
| I was an anti-Semitic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking... | |
| Those cats are like, my food's too dry. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| This soup is lukewarm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you think is about- I've been eating 70% of it, I realize. | |
| Is this whole milk? | ||
| Why was Egypt so into cats? | ||
| Oh, they worship him. | ||
| They were really into cats. | ||
| Weird one to be into. | ||
| I prefer cow over cat. | ||
| The Indians made sense. | ||
| Big fucking sturdy instrument. | ||
| Well, not only that, the Indian origins of it they think has to do with psychedelic mushrooms. | ||
| Because they looked at a cat, they stared right at their pet, and they're like, what the fuck? | ||
| Oh, that's Indian. | ||
| Cows. | ||
| Indian cows. | ||
| Psychedelic mushrooms. | ||
| No, the speculation was that the idea was that at one point in time they realized that these mushrooms are coming from cow shit, and so those cows they thought of as sacred, and so you don't eat them. | ||
| Because they brought the thunder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| This is all speculative, because no one knows exactly what the origin, like when they decided not to eat cows. | ||
| But it totally makes sense. | ||
| It does. | ||
| If you have a religion that has something... | ||
| There's parts of... | ||
| Like the Hindu scriptures where you go back and they're trying to figure out what they were talking about, what they were taking, what drugs they were taking. | ||
| They don't know what they were taking. | ||
| They were taking something and they named them. | ||
| I forget what they named them. | ||
| When I was in college, I worshipped hogs. | ||
| A lot of drinking. | ||
| You don't like hogs anymore? | ||
| I try to grow out of it, you know? | ||
| I have a little self-esteem. | ||
| Man, how nice was a good hog? | ||
| Bring home a nice hog. | ||
| Nice hog. | ||
| We're doing this. | ||
| Tough to catch when they... | ||
| They love to slop. | ||
| Bringing home the bacon. | ||
| After a bar. | ||
| Good times. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| How bad was that, though? | ||
| When the lights turn on and you're just like, there she is. | ||
| There's my queen. | ||
| You roll over, you're still on her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Yeah, that morning was rough. | ||
| That morning is like, why would I do that? | ||
| It was a wake-up call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good times. | |
| The smell was different. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| A little stickier. | ||
| Yeah, a little stickier. | ||
| You're talking about fat ladies' vaginas smell different? | ||
| Just hogs. | ||
| Just something beneath your level. | ||
| More of the folds. | ||
| You wake up smelling mistake. | ||
| You wake up and you say, I'm above this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've made an error. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| No, I like those girls. | ||
| I do, too. | ||
| They're nice. | ||
| They're generous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're having fun. | |
| You ever have someone show up, like, meet, and then when you meet, you're like, damn it. | ||
| This is not nearly what I was expecting. | ||
| That's all online dating. | ||
| There's no way to get out of it, though. | ||
| You have to go through with it. | ||
| But I'm that guy. | ||
| I'm the guy who does it. | ||
| I find the pictures where I look good, and then I show up, and I'm like... | ||
| Yeah, you're the fat chick. | ||
| Find the pictures you look good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The angles. | |
| Wearing a suit and tie at your brother's wedding. | ||
| I'm fat in a sweatsuit. | ||
| You gotta do that with your short guy. | ||
| If you're under six foot, I feel like you gotta get on a box. | ||
| All your celebrities are like, here's me with Tom Cruise! | ||
| I had one with me when I was on the dating apps. | ||
| It was me and Conan. | ||
| I looked like Brad Williams. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| In your dating app picture, you're like, Conan is 6'7". | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you ever seen that picture of the rocks standing next to these basketball players? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He goes, now I know what it looks like to be Kevin Hart. | ||
| It feels like to be Kevin Hart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's some giant humans out there. | ||
| Every time I've stood next to Shaq, I'm like, What? | ||
| Shaq is a weird one. | ||
| Yao Ming. | ||
| Look at that picture. | ||
| So Shaq is one of the guys. | ||
| There's Yao. | ||
| So it's Shaq and who's the... | ||
| Is it Charles Barkley? | ||
| There's four of them looking at evolution. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I'm telling you, dude, I've been around the Rockies enormous. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's an evolution picture. | |
| Look at the size difference. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| One, two, three, four. | ||
| And Yao Ming is giant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the size of Yao Ming. | |
| Giant. | ||
| They got the two tallest people in China to fuck. | ||
| Is that what they did? | ||
| On purpose? | ||
| True story. | ||
| And did they feed them anything special? | ||
| They feed them like, you know, goose liver. | ||
| Goose liver. | ||
| Goose liver is probably really good for you. | ||
| Pate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, liver is like one of the best things you can eat. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Full of protein and vitamin A. There's a lot of stuff in there. | ||
| I think there's creatine in there, too. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| I might just bulk. | ||
| I might start crushing creatine. | ||
| But you won't be funny if you're buff. | ||
| No, he'll be great. | ||
| He'll be better. | ||
| He'll be like a football player and funny. | ||
| You don't see a lot of that. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Gronk's not funny. | ||
| Gronk's not funny. | ||
| In fact, they keep trotting him out in every commercial. | ||
| I know. | ||
| In every commercial he's like, hey, I'm retarded. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's just a frat dude. | ||
| This is kind of sad. | ||
| He's just a frat dude. | ||
| When I saw Nick DiPaolo in the 80s. | ||
| Nick DiPaolo in the 80s, 88, 89. Nick DiPaolo was a fucking hunk and he was built like a football player and he was hilarious. | ||
| He played college ball. | ||
| He was a hot man. | ||
| He was a big fucker. | ||
| He played Maine. | ||
| He was a sexy guinea. | ||
| Yeah, when I first met him, he was a big fucker, and he was really funny. | ||
| And I remember thinking, like, oh, you could be funny and still be jacked. | ||
| I think if you're stylish, it's lame. | ||
| He was pretty stylish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was he? | |
| Stylish is lame. | ||
| Italians can get away with it, because it borders gay. | ||
| I think black guys can be stylish. | ||
| Black guys can be stylish. | ||
| Black guys can be stylish. | ||
| What's the overlap with Italians and gay? | ||
| I don't know, but there's this thing where you can be super into your looks as an Italian. | ||
| Sebastian could go either way. | ||
| Good point, good point. | ||
| He's clearly heterosexual, but he's also color-coordinated. | ||
| So Italian that he's like, oh, this could be gay. | ||
| Groomed. | ||
| Not a hair out of place. | ||
| He's kind of a metro. | ||
| He's got a good show, a cooking show. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a funny show. | ||
| I forget what it's called. | ||
| What's Sebastian's cooking show? | ||
| Plug. | ||
| Shane and I were talking about this today, that Sebastian, back in the days before he was famous. | ||
| If you get high and sit in the back of the OR, and no one's around, so you're just like, no conversation. | ||
| It's like he was one of the best high watchers. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, there he is. | ||
| Look at that gay guy. | ||
| Sebastian brings his signature comedy to the kitchen. | ||
| What is this on? | ||
| Well Done. | ||
| It's called Well Done. | ||
| Is it on the Food Network? | ||
| Oh, good title. | ||
| It says Discovery Plus. | ||
| Discovery Plus. | ||
| Wow, there's so many channels now. | ||
| Not doing great. | ||
| He really loves cooking. | ||
| So it's something fun for him. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It's not work. | ||
| No, but he knows what he's doing. | ||
| Wops love cooking, dude. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They love cooking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's another thing. | |
| Gays and Wops. | ||
| Both love it. | ||
| Bro, I'm right here. | ||
| Doing lady work. | ||
| I'm right here, Ari. | ||
| Cooking is lady work. | ||
| I always forget. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You're a wop, Joe. | ||
| Mostly wop. | ||
| What's the other part? | ||
| Irish? | ||
| Irish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Classic. | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| That's very American. | ||
| Neither one of those are a privileged white. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Irish are the N-words of Europe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, my grandparents, when they came over here, it was funny. | ||
| At one point in time, the way some people looked at Mexican people, that's the way people looked at Italian people. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| The people that were just coming in here. | ||
| And those are the ones throughout history. | ||
| Whether it was the Jews at one point in time, they're usually like... | ||
| The fighters, like boxers. | ||
| Like Slapsy Maxi Rosenblum. | ||
| There was like a bunch of famous Jewish... | ||
| That's a guy. | ||
| That was a real guy. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Slapsy Maxi. | ||
| He was like a real legit boxer. | ||
| There was quite a few Jewish boxers back in the day. | ||
| We were the good boxers. | ||
| Very good boxers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were street. | |
| And then Italians. | ||
| And then there was a lot of Puerto Ricans. | ||
| And then, well, it was always African Americans, especially from the Jack Johnson days. | ||
| If you ever watch the Jack Johnson days, those are wild fights. | ||
| Because all the white people want him to lose, and he's better than all the white people, so he's knocking them out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was fucking white chicks. | |
| Fucking white chicks, and they would have race wars over his fights. | ||
| The German could not possibly lose to the black. | ||
| Bro, he fucked everybody up. | ||
| Jack Johnson fucked. | ||
| And they think that even when he lost, when he eventually lost the title, he might have taken a dive. | ||
| Because you see when he goes down, he's kind of holding his head up. | ||
| It looks like he's kind of relaxing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, I'm done with this. | ||
| Or you got paid. | ||
| Who was the guy who Cinderella, man? | ||
| Max Melling? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, that was the other guy. | ||
| Max Melling was the guy that Joe Louis fought. | ||
| He was German. | ||
| And he won the first one. | ||
| Yeah, he knocked out Joe Louis in the first fight, and then Joe Louis annihilated him in the second fight. | ||
| And it was like one of those things where it was like United States... | ||
| World War II. Yeah, World War II. It was our patriotism on the line, and Joe Louis was the best of the best of America, and he fucked Max Smelling up, and it was a big moral victory for us. | ||
| And black people. | ||
| Also black versus German, yeah. | ||
| Joe Louis was so crisp. | ||
| But you know back then a heavyweight champion was only like 190 pounds? | ||
| Rocky Marciano. | ||
| Rocky Marciano I think was 185 pounds. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's why Tyson Fury might be. | ||
| The best ever. | ||
| He might be. | ||
| What? | ||
| If you matched him up, if we had a time capsule type thing. | ||
| Dude, he's 6'9". | ||
| He's gigantic. | ||
| The big white guy? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's 6'9". | ||
| He might be the greatest ever. | ||
| The guy who licked the guy? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| He licked the guy, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, that guy. | ||
| He's fun. | ||
| When do you lick him? | ||
| The way he was beating up Deontay Wilder in the rematch. | ||
| He licked his blood. | ||
| So they had one fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fight went to a 12-round draw. | |
| Hey, but this is the middle of the fight. | ||
| The fight was still going on. | ||
| He licked him. | ||
| He was fucking him up. | ||
| This fight was the second fight. | ||
| So the first fight, it was a draw. | ||
| And Tyson Fury knocked him out in, look at this. | ||
| There it is! | ||
| The second fight. | ||
| Oh, gross! | ||
| He's more having fun, I think, than everything. | ||
| That guy eats out a girl in a period. | ||
| I don't think he actually licked him. | ||
| For sure he does. | ||
| But I don't think he actually licked him. | ||
| He just did a little tongue wiggle. | ||
| Did it touch? | ||
| No, that's a touch. | ||
| That's a touch. | ||
| It's hard to say. | ||
| Hard to say. | ||
| We've got to ask Deontay. | ||
| Hard to say. | ||
| You might get in trouble for that. | ||
| It might be like sexual assault. | ||
| Probably, but he won't. | ||
| If a guy does that in a fight, if a guy kisses a guy in a fight, is that legal? | ||
| If you lose a fight, you can't be like, I was also sexually assaulted. | ||
| That's an even bigger loss. | ||
| What if a guy, I want to know this for true, because I don't know if it's true. | ||
| I'm a professional commentator. | ||
| Can a guy get on top of a guy, get him in a triangle and kiss him? | ||
| That's assault. | ||
| If you did that, you would win. | ||
| But if you held him, if you had like his arms completely octopused up, like you've got his arms trapped to your leg, you're mounting him. | ||
| He's yours. | ||
| His arms are trapped and you decide you're gonna kiss him. | ||
| That would be demeaning. | ||
| Yeah, but he signed up for it. | ||
| No, he didn't sign up for that. | ||
| Yeah, but you signed up for like whatever happens, happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's me and you. | |
| But it's not in the rule book. | ||
| I wonder if there's a rule. | ||
| I don't know if it is. | ||
| It's not in the rule book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can kiss. | |
| I bet one of those refs would dive in. | ||
| You know how the UFC did it? | ||
| Dive in. | ||
| They would explode. | ||
| They'd launch themselves. | ||
| We promise nothing gay. | ||
| Just guys wrestling. | ||
| Has there been a gay fighter? | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Statistically, I mean. | ||
| Well, there's one guy, yeah, one guy actually had done gay porn. | ||
| Also a lot of the female division. | ||
| Well, that's clear. | ||
| A lot of the females. | ||
| Come on, I've seen those. | ||
| It goes without saying. | ||
| You know, Mike Tyson said Jack Dempsey was his favorite. | ||
| Jack Dempsey was awesome. | ||
| Again, like 190. Irish? | ||
| Yeah, I don't think... | ||
| How big was Jack Dempsey? | ||
| He might have been lighter than that. | ||
| I do not think he was that. | ||
| I'm bigger than 190 right now. | ||
| No one was doing steroids back then. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No one was eating the wheat we're eating now. | ||
| No one had corn syrup and all that bullshit that we're eating. | ||
| They were just eating steaks and salads and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, and drinking a lot. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Especially... | ||
| Jack Dempsey had a great look. | ||
| Great look. | ||
| He just had a look of someone who was going to fuck you up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like an old-school guy who probably worked on a railroad somewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Those guys got on a train, they'd go to St. Louis, beat someone up. | ||
| 187. There he is! | ||
| He's middleweight, right? | ||
| 6'1", 187. He'd cut to 185. Well, middleweight in the UFC. Yeah, that would be in the UFC. But in boxing, that would be cruiserate. | ||
| Kid Blackie. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, Jack. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Kid Blackie. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I wonder what that means. | ||
| Because he knocked people out of blackjacks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had black hair. | |
| Will you pull up a video on Jack Dempsey? | ||
| William Harrison, Jack Dempsey. | ||
| He was a ruthless fuck, man. | ||
| Raging Bull guy. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| Raging Bull guy. | ||
| Jake LaMotta. | ||
| LaMotta. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said his dad in the Bronx used to throw pennies at the kids and they would fight and whoever won got all the pennies. | ||
| So this guy was like, you know, this is in the days when everybody wore hats. | ||
| Look at all those guys wearing hats. | ||
| What year are we talking? | ||
| It's also a colorized video, so it's interesting. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like that. | ||
| I don't like those colorized videos. | ||
| That looks amazing, though. | ||
| It does, but... | ||
| No, that looks bad. | ||
| You know it's bullshit. | ||
| Like, that's what I want. | ||
| I want to see that old shit, that black and white shit. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| Yeah, they don't need to colorize this. | ||
| The black guy beat him up, I think. | ||
| Yeah, this is fine. | ||
| Jack Dempsey fucked a lot of people up, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| What was he, 6'2"? | ||
| 6'1". | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 6'1", 187, and he was the heavyweight champion of the world. | ||
| That was tall back then, I think. | ||
| Well, the weight, too. | ||
| The weight is the big thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| He fucked a lot of people up, man. | ||
| Were the rules different? | ||
| Yeah, he had smaller gloves. | ||
| Look how small these gloves are. | ||
| These are like little bag gloves. | ||
| They really popped them. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Look at all those old men with those stupid delivery man hats. | ||
| This guy pulling them off. | ||
| Jack Dempsey was a fucking animal. | ||
| And Mike Tyson patterned a lot of his attitude about fighting from Jack Dempsey. | ||
| And a lot of other people. | ||
| Mike said that this is the guy who inspired him the most. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, he was inspired by Sonny Liston. | ||
| Oh, nice one. | ||
| As the ref's backing him up. | ||
| Look, he's a handsome guy. | ||
| He is. | ||
| Great head of hair. | ||
| Brett Ernst. | ||
| If you could go back in time and have a conversation with one of these guys and they had no idea that you lived in 2022. The N-word would be flying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Flying. | |
| Could you imagine going back and talking to a guy from like 1920? | ||
| Tough to communicate with. | ||
| That would be fun. | ||
| It would be strange, man. | ||
| The printing press is going to ruin our ideas on life. | ||
| I think that was a lot earlier, Ari. | ||
| Your histories. | ||
| Shane, tell them. | ||
| He's like, how about cars? | ||
| Gutenberg? | ||
| That was one of you guys. | ||
| Shane's always surprised. | ||
| Mass media? | ||
| That was you guys. | ||
| Yeah, the beginner of media. | ||
| If you could go back and talk to a guy from 1920, that would be like talking to someone who's in a dream. | ||
| If you know about 2022, just imagine if you know what's going to happen in 2022, and then all of a sudden you're sitting in a bar with some guy in the 1920s. | ||
| Who's just sitting there, nursing his beer, like, everyone's smoking indoors, no one knows anything about what the future's gonna hold. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you could sit down with this guy like, you don't have no idea what's gonna happen. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| None. | ||
| You don't have a fucking clue about World War II, you don't have a fucking clue about cars, you don't have a fucking clue about planes, phones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In baseball, they will cheat, and no one will care. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| You wouldn't be allowed in the bar. | ||
| Yeah, the Astros. | ||
| I guess the Irish need not apply. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| White Sox. | ||
| White Sox, but people cared back then. | ||
| When did the Astros cheat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| When they won the fucking title. | ||
| They fucking won the World Series. | ||
| That's why this dude on your podcast sat with an asterisk, a Houston asterisk hat. | ||
| How did they cheat? | ||
| They read signs, they start beating the fucking back of a trash can. | ||
| There was a rumor that they had a fucking Morse code ticker taped to their thigh. | ||
| That would be like one fastball, breaking ball. | ||
| How do they know? | ||
| The catcher? | ||
| You can put somebody in center field that reads the catcher's signals. | ||
| They beat a drum to let you know. | ||
| A couple pitchers were like, hey, something's up. | ||
| Let me tell you my next five pitches. | ||
| So the catcher decides, or the catcher suggests. | ||
| Yeah, he suggests it. | ||
| The catcher reads what the pitcher says. | ||
| What he's thinking. | ||
| He's like, are you thinking basketball? | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| He goes, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And they got caught. | ||
| This was our year. | ||
| Can I see that again? | ||
| This was the year that Brody died, that we were supposed to win the title. | ||
| You like the Yankees? | ||
| And this was our year, and they robbed it, and they sent Brody Stevens to hell. | ||
| That's kite flying, dude. | ||
| You're a Yankees fan? | ||
| Been a Yankees fan. | ||
| Aren't you from Maryland? | ||
| Jews, New York. | ||
| That's where we're from. | ||
| Okay, back it up. | ||
| The broadcast feed doesn't matter. | ||
| It's this part that's coming up where you can hear from inside. | ||
| So I think it's where you can hear the things. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Oh, you can see it? | ||
| Look at the picture. | ||
| Off speed. | ||
| Oh, it's hitting the trash can or whatever? | ||
| Yeah, so there's lots of ways they would give signals. | ||
| He's telling them what pitch is exactly coming. | ||
| This is the champ in the seventh game of the fucking game. | ||
| There is a part of baseball that's cool, which is like old school cheating like banging a trash can is kind of okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real? | |
| Is that legal? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it kind of makes the game cool. | ||
| It signals. | ||
| Like, watch out. | ||
| Because they talk like this over their mouth because people, like, they're reading their lips. | ||
| But then they got beat every game. | ||
| Every game the next season, every pitcher fucking beamed every player. | ||
| This guy was running home after a home run near the end of the game, and he was telling his teammates to not. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he was saying, there's no clicker on me. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| He supposedly had a clicker on him. | ||
| He was like, don't mob me. | ||
| He's like, don't touch my shirt. | ||
| Don't touch my shirt. | ||
| That's what they were saying was going on here. | ||
| Twelve hundred retweets. | ||
| You know. | ||
| It's also allegedly. | ||
| He's covering it up. | ||
| So he's worried they're going to grab him and open up there and you see a buzzer. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| But what was also cool is then they would hit home runs the next season and rip their shirt and be like, that was me. | ||
| Yeah, you weren't like a non-MLB player. | ||
| You just were fucking stealing pitches in massive moments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was cool. | |
| They might as well have just got caught and everyone's doing it. | ||
| Dude, Rob Lowe was on this podcast wearing a Houston Asterix hat. | ||
| Astroids. | ||
| No, it's Astros. | ||
| He wears a Houston Asterix hat. | ||
| Whoa, really? | ||
| Oh, Asterix. | ||
| Yeah, like they won, but that should not have been a win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Damn! | ||
| Did you know this, Mark Norman? | ||
| I did not. | ||
| I'm learning. | ||
| I thought Rob Lowe was gay. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Look at that hat. | ||
| That's Asterix. | ||
| That's a huge Asterix hat. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's even hotter now. | ||
| He's hotter now. | ||
| He's a fucking gay man. | ||
| And that wasn't easy. | ||
| He was already hot. | ||
| You like Rob Lowe. | ||
| Handsome. | ||
| We got any more BLs? | ||
| There's a cooler down next to you. | ||
| Any more Glenlivet's out? | ||
| We got this, though. | ||
| I'll take a little Macal. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| What, are there beers in there? | ||
| We're gonna polish off two bottles and a case. | ||
| No, these bottles are already half done. | ||
| Oh, I was trying to sound cool for the audience. | ||
| Friends forever, that's adorable. | ||
| Is there any ice left in that? | ||
| That's a non-Photoshop picture. | ||
| Just the two of them hanging out. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| They were buddies, dude. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Friends forever. | ||
| You know Trump didn't even fucking bang any of the kids. | ||
| He went and hung out with the staff. | ||
| What a pussy. | ||
| Is that what you heard? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Was that on Gab? | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I don't know where I heard that. | ||
| Are you going to get his son on the pod, Junior? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Norton used to love him. | ||
| Norton used to hang out with him. | ||
| Norton? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's friends with John Dudley. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| My buddy, the Archer. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| Good show, Archer. | ||
| He's going ONA a lot, right? | ||
| He used to be. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Mark. | ||
| Back when ONA was ONA. He had like one beer. | ||
| I've had three scotches. | ||
| Do you think ONA could be replicated? | ||
| You could do another. | ||
| Please give him another scotch. | ||
| Do you think they could ever replicate ONA again? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think it's got to be a podcast, though. | ||
| That's the only way. | ||
| We have to be a podcast. | ||
| And we have. | ||
| Your mom's house does more than what they do. | ||
| But I'm not saying that. | ||
| I'm like, could those guys get together again? | ||
| Could ONA ever get together again? | ||
| I would love to see it. | ||
| Here's the question. | ||
| Is it late night? | ||
| Is it too late for ONA to get back together? | ||
| No, listen to me. | ||
| Opie, Anthony, and Jim Norton, if they got back together right now... | ||
| It wouldn't be the same. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| It would not be the same. | ||
| You know it. | ||
| It wouldn't be the same. | ||
| It doesn't have to be the same. | ||
| It would be sensational. | ||
| They'd fight on camera. | ||
| That'd be fun. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be something. | ||
| And fights was always good. | ||
| I think it would work out. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You know what I was thinking today, which would be sad? | ||
| That would be interesting. | ||
| Dude, it would be a hit. | ||
| Could they get back together? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It would be O and A have to resolve it. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I wasn't thinking about anything, by the way. | ||
| Listen, wouldn't we go visit them? | ||
| Wouldn't we go on that show? | ||
| Wouldn't we go on that show? | ||
| Wouldn't everybody start going on that show again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everybody would go on that show again. | ||
| You wouldn't even be invited, dude. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Don't even start pondering. | ||
| I would like to see other comics on there. | ||
| It was a fun show to listen to. | ||
| Because he was a jerk. | ||
| Because he's mean. | ||
| He's mean. | ||
| He's cranky because he has his Snickers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rewind the tape. | |
| Alright, that's good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Alright, alright, alright. | ||
| Try to remember that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're gonna start getting you back into this. | ||
| Getting back into the comedy. | ||
| The swing of things. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Because right now you stink. | ||
| Wait, you do comedy? | ||
| You stink. | ||
| He was good in the Catskills. | ||
| Killing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shacky Shaffir, my uncle. | |
| That you should do a history of comedy in the Shaffir family. | ||
| All me through the years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shacky Shaffir. | |
| Bro, that would be fucking hilarious. | ||
| That could be really funny. | ||
| You have a guy on the Mayflower. | ||
| Roosevelt just died. | ||
| That guy was a piece of shit, am I right? | ||
| A bunch of people like, boo! | ||
| Could you imagine what it would be like to be in a comic in the 50s? | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| Everything is open game. | ||
| You're just like, hey, that's a good joke. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Men and women are different. | ||
| Well, this guy's a genius. | ||
| They are! | ||
| I've never thought about it! | ||
| They're different! | ||
| Right. | ||
| Black people are late. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| This is cutting edge! | ||
| Holy shit, they are late! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Have you guys seen Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? | ||
| Yeah, first season and a half. | ||
| It was cool, but they spoke to it fast. | ||
| It was real fucking theater-y. | ||
| Well, I felt like it was really good, but the second season I kind of lost interest for some reason. | ||
| You just can't do stand-up on TV. You can't do it. | ||
| It just never works. | ||
| Listen, that's close to it. | ||
| The stand-up sucks. | ||
| The stand-up sucked on Seinfeld. | ||
| Well, that was real stand-up. | ||
| You can do real stand-up. | ||
| I'm telling you, Maisel is better than like Punchline. | ||
| It's like as close as you can get as to someone doing stand-up. | ||
| You have to suspend disbelief. | ||
| Speaking from the heart. | ||
| They always do that. | ||
| I'm going to forget all the preparation that goes into stand-up. | ||
| And I'm just going to speak from the heart. | ||
| That's what makes us have a hard time. | ||
| Miss Maisel going up and going, you know what? | ||
| Can I just talk about my fucking asshole husband? | ||
| And everyone thinks it's that easy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It sometimes is though. | ||
| Like for some people. | ||
| Like a Joey Diaz character. | ||
| Like Joey Diaz can go on stage and you could have said something to him right before he went on stage. | ||
| And he'll go on stage mad at you and shit all over that thing and murder. | ||
| I mean murder. | ||
| I've seen him do it. | ||
| I've seen him go on stage with something that literally just happened. | ||
| He trained a lot, though, to be able to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| No, no doubt. | ||
| But Joey in the parking lot could always do that. | ||
| Joey in the parking lot could always make everybody laugh. | ||
| Like, back when Joey wasn't doing that good on stage, because there was a period, I don't know how long it was, you'd have to ask him. | ||
| You don't always have to be doing great on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was a period where Joey couldn't figure it out. | |
| He didn't have the right confidence or something on stage, but then he got it, and when he got it, he was a monster. | ||
| It was instantaneous, man. | ||
| I've never seen anybody go from bombing a lot to murdering every time. | ||
| It wasn't just that he would do well, he would kill on a level that you couldn't breathe. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I've never seen him on stage once. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dude, there was moments where, in the early 2000s, he was so funny that you would go, what am I doing? | ||
| How am I doing this? | ||
| So different than him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He was an animal. | ||
| It was never captured on film, the best moments. | ||
| But it's universal. | ||
| You've asked all of us. | ||
| All of us that were around the store at that time, like, who's the funniest guy you've ever seen? | ||
| You're like, Joey Diaz. | ||
| He's the funniest guy I've ever seen. | ||
| He would hit these notes that would, like, I've seen people murder. | ||
| I've seen, like, Louis murder, and Chris Rock murder, and Chappelle murder, and Holtzman murder, and I've seen everybody murder. | ||
| Bill Burr murder. | ||
| I've seen all these people murder. | ||
| He just keeps murdering. | ||
| He murdered to the point where, like, you were just like, what? | ||
| Where are we? | ||
| Like you hit some new level of air. | ||
| Long extended, like, can't breathe moments. | ||
| He would host at the store for open mic night in Potluck, and he would be, like, he would have, like, the list of who's next, and he would be like, I can't even tell it. | ||
| He would just be like this, but then he would be looking at the list and, like, still talking, and he would be going like this with his Coke hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like this. | |
| He goes, next up! | ||
| Yo, fuck it! | ||
| And then he would go off on somebody and he goes, next up! | ||
| Machinowitz! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Machinowitz! | |
| He would mispronounce somebody's name and then that was it. | ||
| It was the moment, the Joey sets with the best sets were the moment where he knew his friends were there. | ||
| Like if he knew we were hanging out in the back of the room and he knew the crowd knew who he was, he would go on stage like a gunslinger. | ||
| And we would all, I'm telling you man, like we lined up back there a hundred times to watch him. | ||
| Yeah, you watch him late night. | ||
| High late night, he was great. | ||
| Yeah, he was always great. | ||
| But there was just moments where he... | ||
| He felt the groove. | ||
| He just rode the fucking wave. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's almost like the people that were there those nights, they saw it. | ||
| They got it. | ||
| They know what you're talking about. | ||
| The people that have seen Joey murder, they know it. | ||
| But for the rest of the public, we've got to figure out a way to get that down. | ||
| Because he's not doing stand-up right now. | ||
| Well, podcast is a good thing for him. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Podcasts are great for him, but stand-up is better. | ||
| He's a great stand-up. | ||
| And he has some fucking points, too, that sneak up on you. | ||
| He's also a master of, like... | ||
| One of the best storyteller comics of all time. | ||
| Of all time. | ||
| Somebody should film him secretly so you can capture that moment. | ||
| He's not doing stand-up right now. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Actually, no. | ||
| No one film him secretly. | ||
| Well, don't put out all of it. | ||
| Just saying, if there's a hot moment. | ||
| Joey's a master of economy of words. | ||
| He makes you realize the quicker you can get to a punchline, the less people are going to figure out where you're going with it. | ||
| He sneaks up on you and hits you with it, and you're like, bah! | ||
| And then, for me, it made me think, oh, I should do more of that. | ||
| Like, that's a strategy. | ||
| Like, to get your jokes down to the bare minimum of the amount of words you need to say. | ||
| Because sometimes you don't think about that. | ||
| But then you watch a guy like Joey, and, like, it has... | ||
| They're all funny bits. | ||
| He's performing them fantastic, but they're also... | ||
| The economy of words is amazing. | ||
| Doesn't think twice about saying the worst things. | ||
| Like, he's so casual about drug use on stage. | ||
| It's just almost like, you've all... | ||
| Like, dunk coke off a stripper's tit. | ||
| It's almost like he skips past that to get to the next thing. | ||
| Remember that bit he used to do about lighting some stripper's wig on fire? | ||
| Was it a hooker? | ||
| A hooker's wig. | ||
| Lighting a hooker's wig on fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like... | |
| His bits were so crazy. | ||
| I hate those guys with spiky hair. | ||
| They look like they're giving you a blowjob and you pull them up and they're like, I'll just do it myself. | ||
| He just had so many bits. | ||
| They were so crazy. | ||
| It was all bits about doing coke and staring out the window with your cat. | ||
| You and the cat are paranoid. | ||
| It was... | ||
| And he just doesn't do it? | ||
| He just stopped doing it. | ||
| He moved to Jersey. | ||
| He never comes to New York. | ||
| No, never. | ||
| When I heard he was moving to Jersey, I was like, this will be sick. | ||
| It's a bit of a haul. | ||
| I thought I was going to see him all the time. | ||
| He's older. | ||
| He's excited. | ||
| He's got a successful podcast and a family, and I think he's enjoying just being in New Jersey and just relaxing. | ||
| I heard he was doing the Stress Factory, like popping in. | ||
| He did a little bit, but he hasn't in a while. | ||
| Last time I talked to him, when we were down there, we had dinner with him, and he said he hadn't done it in a while. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| Dude, I was like, maybe we could talk this guy into moving to Texas. | ||
| But then when we went down there, I'm like, oh my god, he's the king of New Jersey. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| He's the king. | ||
| He goes to family-style barbecues. | ||
| Yeah, dude, he's the king. | ||
| I'm telling you, when you see how you go to a restaurant with Diaz, you're like, oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, he's never leaving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| He's still alive. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| That was always a thing. | ||
| Every time somebody died, you're like, Joey Diaz is still alive and so-and-so died. | ||
| You guys have stronger genes than you. | ||
| Hey, Artie Lang's done, man. | ||
| You saw the antibodies? | ||
| Yeah, well, Artie Lang's been clean for a long time now, right? | ||
| Well, he's been saying that for years. | ||
| You don't believe him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| Yeah, he was doing a lot of Bud Lights. | ||
| He was doing it for a little while. | ||
| He was a Bud Lighter. | ||
| A lot of Calzone. | ||
| That was his issue. | ||
| But he's been sober for a while, right? | ||
| That's what he tells you. | ||
| I think he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bought Coke off him last week. | |
| Artie's selling now. | ||
| He's full on dealing. | ||
| He paid for his nose job. | ||
| He had to go resort to selling Coke. | ||
| He might be the funniest guy in conversation I've ever met. | ||
| Just hanging out with him. | ||
| Oh, he's one of the funniest guys in conversation. | ||
| He's another guy that everybody loves. | ||
| You know what's nice about him? | ||
| He gives it up, too. | ||
| He does! | ||
| I remember the first time I did Anthony Cumia's show. | ||
| He was on it. | ||
| It was him and Artie. | ||
| And I said something funny, and I was brand new, so people were like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| But he was the one guy that leaned back in his chair and was like... | ||
| Good job. | ||
| That was funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And everybody else in the room just kept talking. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Because when you're the new guy, they're like, who gives a fuck what you have to say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Don't you hate that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a long time in New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The order of hierarchy. | |
| It's also, it's so dumb. | ||
| It's like, I have a good joke. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| Yeah, somebody said something funny, but he was the only guy that was like, that was good. | ||
| And he was the funniest guy in the room. | ||
| He was the funniest guy in the room. | ||
| The funniest guys are always the most secure. | ||
| It's always the unfunny guy who's a dick and won't give it up. | ||
| You say that, but there's a lot of funny guys that are super selfish, too. | ||
| True, true, true. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| Some good comics that have no comic friends. | ||
| They're like, what the fuck is- What happened to you? | ||
| What's going on with you, man? | ||
| What are you even doing out there by yourself? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Dude, we were filming. | ||
| This is not happening. | ||
| Artie was supposed to do it. | ||
| And I put him on last, on the order. | ||
| And this manager agent comes up and says, hey, can you go on first instead? | ||
| I'm like, uh, sure, but he's like the biggest name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, well, he's asleep. | ||
| So I'm like, I'll get him up first. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And then he killed! | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was tweeting. | ||
| He told me years ago that celebrities would pay him to tweet for them. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| So he'd be tweeting for Kim Kardashian. | ||
| He'd be like, you're a comedian. | ||
| I need to be clever. | ||
| He'd be like, I did another heroin bump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kim Kardashian's like, what the fuck? | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I was on MADtv with him in like 1996. Wow. | ||
| You were on MADtv? | ||
| Yeah, he played just a sketch where I met Callan. | ||
| I didn't know you were on that. | ||
| Yeah, I was a host of MADtv. | ||
| They had hosts? | ||
| No, it was just one episode. | ||
| Kind of like an SNL host? | ||
| Yeah, same thing. | ||
| Shamers always more of a MADtv guy. | ||
| I like MADtv better. | ||
| This is me and him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Damn, Joe. | ||
| When you see it in black and white, it looks like it's so old. | ||
| He looks like Gleason. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This sketch is about golf, and Joe's like, can we change you to box so you're going to show off my physique? | ||
| Now, he would say, that's not true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| Did you get sucked that night? | ||
| Made me feel uncomfortable about being shredded. | ||
| Did you cut weight? | ||
| Joe, did you get sucked that night? | ||
| From a gal? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think I had a lady friend at the time. | ||
| Did she suck you? | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| You look good as hell in that, dude. | ||
| You ever get sucked? | ||
| You should get sucked a lot. | ||
| Looking like that, that's a guy who should get sucked. | ||
| If the world is fair. | ||
| But, um, we became friends, like, right away. | ||
| He was always the coolest fucking guy. | ||
| Like, he was always, like, from jump. | ||
| From meeting him. | ||
| Like, when I hung out with Callan and him on the set of that show, like, you know, you got, like, these actor-y types, and they're uncomfortable. | ||
| They're awkward. | ||
| Callan types. | ||
| I didn't want to say his name. | ||
| But then there was me and Artie, and we're just fucking palling around like comics. | ||
| When you run into a real comic on a set, it's so fun, so nice. | ||
| I think he was a pool hustler for a while. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, he can play pool. | ||
| I met him at Down and Dirty with Jim Norton, who was in the back. | ||
| Never met him before. | ||
| And he was just in the green room. | ||
| He's just story after story. | ||
| He's like, oh, who is this guy? | ||
| And he never runs out of stories. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Only the coolest people do heroin. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Dorks don't do heroin. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| I think a lot of dorks do heroin. | ||
| I think this is incorrect, and this is going to get us kicked off of YouTube. | ||
| CDC. C.D.C., are you listening? | ||
| He can play some pool. | ||
| Yeah, he can play some pool. | ||
| I played pool with him. | ||
| I was like, dude, you actually know how to play. | ||
| He moves the ball around really good. | ||
| He would be a dock worker if not for a sense of humor. | ||
| I think he did work on a dock. | ||
| I think he did. | ||
| I think he was like a longshoreman, wasn't he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| He's the real deal. | ||
| He is a man of the people. | ||
| Hey, you're a longshoreman today, you fucking suburban cunt. | ||
| They just don't work. | ||
| Hey, the Suburban Cunts. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty good. | ||
| Suburban Cunts. | ||
| I'm not urban folks like you guys. | ||
| It's a better name for the Real Housewives. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Suburban Cunts. | |
| Suburban Cunts is perfect. | ||
| I do live in the city. | ||
| I'm urban. | ||
| You live in the city? | ||
| I live in Manhattan, in the city. | ||
| Queens is where I live. | ||
| Is that the real city city? | ||
| Nothing open. | ||
| Nothing but fucking immigrants and me. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| Shane wants to be angry all the time. | ||
| He just sits in his poor circle. | ||
| No, I like the immigrants. | ||
| They ruined the neighborhood I just got to. | ||
| It's the most diverse place in the country. | ||
| Queens are the best. | ||
| Do you like it because they're the most raw, they're newly arrived in America, they've got hopes and dreams, they haven't turned into yuppies. | ||
| They're not pretentious. | ||
| Intentious, right. | ||
| I do not want to see, every time I see a white person in New York, I don't like them. | ||
| We went to Washington Square Park when they started. | ||
| I see them, I'm like, why are you here, you fucking loser? | ||
| No immigrant is a he, him. | ||
| No. | ||
| Every immigrant's there like, I'm trying to sell. | ||
| We're trying to sell some shit. | ||
| I got fish to haul. | ||
| If you see people with their pronouns in their bio, just block them. | ||
| Just like, you're not going to be great for my life. | ||
| I just have to not. | ||
| Well, they're mean. | ||
| That's a good way to exit out. | ||
| That's a good way to exit out of that. | ||
| Just get, go, stop, stop. | ||
| And I don't mean if it's like she, her, or he, him. | ||
| Even if you're trans and you're he, her, or she, him. | ||
| I'm talking about those they, them motherfuckers. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, no. | ||
| For me, it depends. | ||
| If they're actually a they-them, if you see them and you're like, damn, that's something different. | ||
| If it's me being like, by the way, I'm fucking he-him. | ||
| Here's the one that drives me crazy. | ||
| The he-they. | ||
| That's more interesting. | ||
| I say anyone who lists their pronouns at all. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Maybe He-Man was ahead of his time. | ||
| We're not even talking about that. | ||
| He-Man. | ||
| The cartoon knew what he was doing. | ||
| He slash man. | ||
| He slash man. | ||
| If you get fat enough, you gotta start going by they. | ||
| Oh, you plural now, motherfucker. | ||
| There's two of you. | ||
| Them. | ||
| You just said that so we wouldn't say that about you. | ||
| What? | ||
| I knew you couldn't get to that joke. | ||
| I was about to get to it. | ||
| You literally couldn't get to that joke. | ||
| Do you think they think they're showing solidarity to people that are struggling with their trans identity when they're putting he, him in their pronoun and they have a fucking beard? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, if it's a guy with a beard and he writes he, him in his bio, what's he doing there? | ||
| Is he showing solidarity? | ||
| No, he's trying to make it about him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| He's trying to make it about he, him. | ||
| Narcissism. | ||
| Is it possible he's just a really nice guy? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| There's a couple of those. | ||
| There's a couple of nice guys. | ||
| They're out there, but the other ones are ruining it. | ||
| But most of them aren't. | ||
| It's the active ones online. | ||
| Well, this is the problem with identity politics, right? | ||
| Anything with identity. | ||
| People vary so much inside every fucking group. | ||
| The idea of lumping everybody together in terms of right, left, black, white, Asian, this, that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| It's true. | ||
| So much variety in humans. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| We're so fluid on gender, but we're so... | ||
| Hard up on everything else. | ||
| Are you black? | ||
| Are you a man? | ||
| Are you a right? | ||
| Are you a left? | ||
| No one's accepting transracial. | ||
| Transracial is just not going to fucking make it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think any of us are in a position to talk about that. | |
| Can you give me that black lighter? | ||
| And get some more ice, will you? | ||
| Can I get that lighter? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I think we have ice. | ||
| No, we have plenty. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| I mean, water. | ||
| Like a Poland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Water. | |
| Oh, you want water? | ||
| We have water. | ||
| We have a whole bucket of water. | ||
| I got a cigar. | ||
| I got a whiskey. | ||
| Does that metal thing have water in it? | ||
| I drank it. | ||
| Oh, here. | ||
| I'll give you some more. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| I didn't know you had a spare agua. | ||
| There's a whole pitcher here, buddy. | ||
| Isn't it crazy? | ||
| Mexico, you can't drink the water? | ||
| It's like, come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are we doing here? | |
| What's crazy is they can. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Oh, well, then they're doing it right. | ||
| We just don't have the gut flora for it. | ||
| We've been too coddled. | ||
| Yeah, we have bitch-ass water. | ||
| That's why they don't get COVID. Uh, they have ivermectin. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Mexico does? | ||
| Mexico, yeah. | ||
| I took it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's medical disinformation. | ||
| No negative side effects. | ||
| I just want to state for the record, neither Ari Shafir nor myself are doctors. | ||
| I'm not a doctor. | ||
| Well, you're Jewish. | ||
| But I could play one on TV if I was a better actor. | ||
| Your name could be Dr. Shafir. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| That sounds like a doc. | ||
| I think a lot of people are vaccinated in Mexico, too, though. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I think, um, I don't know, what is, uh, what's the rate of vaccination for COVID in Mexico? | ||
| See, here's the thing, you couldn't even have this conversation on YouTube. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| If we had this conversation on YouTube, people would be freaking out. | ||
| We're just people sitting around talking. | ||
| Yeah, we want to know about our Mexican brethren. | ||
| Yeah, this is what it's like when people sit around talking. | ||
| They talk about all kinds of stuff. | ||
| To say you can't talk about all kinds of stuff because people are listening. | ||
| Do you feel at the end of COVID? Do you feel that at all? | ||
| Yes, 100%. | ||
| It feels like it. | ||
| Because this one is not so bad for a lot of people. | ||
| See, look at that. | ||
| Mexico's got 149 million people vaccinated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
56%. | |
| Where do you get 56%? | ||
| The percentage. | ||
| People. | ||
| People fully vaccinated is 72 million. | ||
| So percentage of fully vaccinated? | ||
| Oh, fully vaccinated. | ||
| I'm looking at percentage versus a million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
56, that's great. | |
| I thought it was 72%. | ||
| So 72 million is pretty fucking good, and 56% is pretty fucking good. | ||
| I hear Mexico City is awesome. | ||
| I've never been. | ||
| It just went on Thanksgiving. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So cool. | ||
| So much art, so much food. | ||
| The tacos everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, they're so fucking good. | ||
| Are they Mexican-Mexican? | ||
| Or Spaniard-Mexican? | ||
| No, I'm Mexican-Mexican, but they do have that upscale, like, we're better than you, Spaniard. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| The traffic there is insanity. | ||
| Like, when you go through an intersection, people are going left and right. | ||
| You've been, when'd you go? | ||
| Yeah, I was there for the UFC a couple times. | ||
| The people, they know how to do it, though. | ||
| That's normal. | ||
| They just merge. | ||
| People are like, the red light is a suggestion. | ||
| Maybe you should stop, but whatever. | ||
| And people are just jamming up fucking lanes. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| It's wild to watch. | ||
| Yeah, I went to Italy with my lady and I had to drive, and it's a different world. | ||
| Those cul-de-sacs? | ||
| Those turny things? | ||
| They go opposite sides in Italy? | ||
| Roundabouts. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| No, it's the same side. | ||
| At 390 cities in 48 countries studied, Mexico City has the most traffic congestion in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, there you go. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Number one, Mexico City. | ||
| It's massive, too, so you can't get across town. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Drivers in the Mexicans spend an average of 66% of their time stuck in traffic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| So those people, like, there's no need to have a fast car in Mexico. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| LA. US. LA. We've been there. | ||
| LA traffic. | ||
| Everybody has to go fairly slow. | ||
| That's one thing that happens when you go to certain places, like certain parts of the world. | ||
| You see all these economy cars. | ||
| Everyone has an economy car and you go, whoa. | ||
| And then you realize, oh, the way we live is weird. | ||
| The luxury of just getting to where you're going? | ||
| Well, not just that. | ||
| People have big-ass trucks and shit. | ||
| SUVs and pickup trucks and fucking sports cars. | ||
| There's economy cars, too. | ||
| But if you drive through Dallas or New York City, you see a lot of fucking Mercedes-Benz. | ||
| A lot of expensive cars. | ||
| Yeah, you go to L.A., they have expensive cars. | ||
| A lot of expensive cars. | ||
| L.A. has the show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's, like, overwhelming. | ||
| Like, the amount is almost, like, half the cars on the road. | ||
| It's kind of annoying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In New York, you gotta have a beat-up-able car. | ||
| But if you look at, like... | ||
| Got a nice Chevy Cruze, dude. | ||
| If you look at, like, India... | ||
| Shout-out to the Chevy Cruze. | ||
| Chevy Cruze? | ||
| What's the electric one? | ||
| The Volt? | ||
| The Volt. | ||
| Good name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's you know what it is right away. | ||
| Those hybrid ones are the way to go, right? | ||
| Those Priuses, if you want to get like the best gas mileage, don't they have like 80 miles? | ||
| Electric is the best, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Leaf? | |
| Yeah, but Prius is like a hybrid. | ||
| I think it has a stupid fucking miles per gallon. | ||
| I think it's really crazy. | ||
| Isn't it, Jamie? | ||
| Doesn't a Prius get like 60 miles to the gallon or something nutty? | ||
| Probably higher than that. | ||
| Yeah, 60's insane. | ||
| 60's insane. | ||
| It's so much better than it was. | ||
| I'm going to get a Honda Accord if shit keeps going well. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I got something like that. | ||
| If everybody goes well, a new one? | ||
| If things continue to go well for me, I'm going to get a Honda Accord. | ||
| That's splurging. | ||
| Those are new cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love Hondas. | ||
| His dad, before he died, was like, son, one day I want you to have. | ||
| My dad's alive, dude. | ||
| Congratulations, dude. | ||
| Sorry I'm not 90. My dad's alive. | ||
| My dad's alive. | ||
| My dad's 38. My dad didn't die in the Titanic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha! | |
| Ha ha ha! | ||
| Your dad was the iceberg. | ||
| The iceberg was Jewish. | ||
| So wait, do you think Epstein and Clinton were friends or something? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| This artist made it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's fucked up, dude. | ||
| Well, I only flew with him 26 times. | ||
| It was only 26 times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was a good man. | |
| I'm mischaracterizing him. | ||
| He's got a love of science. | ||
| Clinton seems like a fun guy, yeah. | ||
| I love the picture of both Clintons and Trump hanging out. | ||
| How about fucking Ghislaine at their wedding? | ||
| You gotta get Ghislaine on. | ||
| She's in the mistrial. | ||
| Right after the mistrial. | ||
| She is? | ||
| Yeah, she's in jail. | ||
| She's innocent. | ||
| They're letting her off. | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| Yeah, because those two guys was like... | ||
| Do you think they engineered it? | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Yo, for real though, I know we're not supposed to joke about child trafficking and stuff, but that's a good side. | ||
| That's a good bottom bitch. | ||
| Just laying down. | ||
| Imagine that was your lady. | ||
| Like, yo, we need to secure some young chicks. | ||
| And your girlfriend being like, okay... | ||
| Do you think that's what it was, that she was a girlfriend, or did they have some weird friendship? | ||
| Were they both? | ||
| I think both. | ||
| They were buddies. | ||
| I mean, they were best friends. | ||
| I'd love to marry my best friend the way Epstein did. | ||
| They were married. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| What a crazy, crazy story. | ||
| He had a wild ride. | ||
| That there's a guy who's some sort of intelligence operative, whether it's for another country or what, and he's getting together with people and compromising them. | ||
| He's blackmailing everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there's people giving him money that they can't explain. | ||
| Exorbitant amounts of money. | ||
| Get that golden retriever. | ||
| Joe, is that your dog? | ||
| Your dog's been pictured with them? | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| What's your dog say? | ||
| That's not, Marshall. | ||
| Marshall's been pictured with Epstein. | ||
| I think that's one of those Irish setters. | ||
| That's Betty White. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the queen. | |
| Oh, that's the queen, and that's Epstein. | ||
| Her cabin. | ||
| He was staying at her cabin. | ||
| Wow, that's dark. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they don't know who he was working for, what organization he was working for. | ||
| It was the Mossad, dude. | ||
| They think. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Obviously the Mossad. | ||
| But wasn't he American? | ||
| He was American, right? | ||
| He had a bunch of passports, though. | ||
| Jeffrey Epstein. | ||
| The Jews had a good run. | ||
| You think Jeffrey Epstein is Mossad? | ||
| Do I think? | ||
| That was the rumor. | ||
| I'll tell you what, dude. | ||
| I don't know a lot. | ||
| And who came to the island? | ||
| Israel? | ||
| Well, they don't know where he got all his money from. | ||
| It's like real sketchy weird. | ||
| I donated. | ||
| Imagine you're a billionaire and this guy's like, yo, you want to come hang out on my island? | ||
| How's he saying it? | ||
| What's he wearing? | ||
| He's dressed like an apple. | ||
| Yo, you want to come hang out at my house? | ||
| Yeah, they would get famous people to go to their house. | ||
| That was the thing. | ||
| They had quite a guest list. | ||
| Chelsea Handler was on the plane. | ||
| Michelle Wolf. | ||
| The plane. | ||
| She's on the list. | ||
| Is she on the list? | ||
| I think. | ||
| She's on a couple lists. | ||
| She's innocent. | ||
| Schindler's list. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Hey, we're not making jokes like that. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| The mysterious foreign passport found in Jeffrey Epstein's mansion was used to enter at least four countries in the 1980s, prosecutors say. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Enter four countries. | ||
| He had a foreign passport found inside a safe. | ||
| I'll tell you what, I don't like this guy at all. | ||
| He seems bad. | ||
| If I ever had a chance to punch him. | ||
| Did you ever see the video where Bill Gates is talking about him? | ||
| No, what's he saying? | ||
| He's dead now, so there's that. | ||
| He's basically letting out that almost he's happy that the guy's dead. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You hung out with him, didn't you? | ||
| And he's like, well, he's dead now, so I guess next question. | ||
| Well, he said more than that. | ||
| talking about... | ||
| Dead men tell no tales. | ||
| They pushed him as to why he had this friendship and he said that Epstein was going to donate to philanthropy, which he felt was very important. | ||
| He has a lot of philanthropy that's involving world health and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here. | |
| See? | ||
| Anybody who donates to charity is fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you met him 10 years ago, he was soliciting prostitution from minors. | |
| What did you know about him when you were meeting with him? | ||
| As you've said yourself, in the hopes of raising money? | ||
| You know, I had dinners with him. | ||
| I regret doing that. | ||
| He had relationships with people he said, you know, would give to global health, which is an interest I have. | ||
| You know, not nearly enough philanthropy goes in that direction. | ||
| You know, those meetings were a mistake. | ||
| They didn't result in... | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| ...what he purported, and I cut them off. | ||
| You know, that goes back a long time ago now. | ||
| So there's nothing new on that. | ||
| No, nothing new there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
...to meet with him over several years. | |
| And that, in other words, a number of meetings. | ||
| What did you do when you found out about his background? | ||
| Well... | ||
| You know, I've said I regretted having those dinners. | ||
| And there's nothing, absolutely nothing new on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there a lesson for you, for anyone else looking at this? | |
| He's listening to his publisher. | ||
| Well, he's dead. | ||
| So, you know, in general you always have to be careful. | ||
| A lot of uhs. | ||
| Well, he's dead. | ||
| Ari talked over it. | ||
| You can hear it. | ||
| I heard it. | ||
| Ari breathed over it. | ||
| He talked over it. | ||
| You were trying to shush you to an important part. | ||
| He keeps pausing during the questions, looking at his publicist, telling him what to say. | ||
| I don't know if he's looking at his publicist, but he's definitely nervous. | ||
| Jamie, are you working the audio to eliminate Ari's breathing in the mic? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should take it out. | |
| Do your best. | ||
| Please keep it in. | ||
| Fair enough. | ||
| But what a fucking crazy thing to say, right? | ||
| Put more homophobia on, Shane. | ||
| Isn't that a crazy thing to say? | ||
| Yeah, he's dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there's a lesson there? | ||
| Were there any lessons? | ||
| He's like, well, he died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he's dead now. | ||
| He looked pretty shook up over that. | ||
| Bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's like, PBS is talking shit. | |
| There's nothing new here. | ||
| Imagine if you go on PBS and they start fucking hitting you with questions. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck are you doing, PBS? Public broadcasting? | ||
| Blow me. | ||
| You losers? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's next? | ||
| I have the Xbox. | ||
| Did he do that? | ||
| Yeah, Microsoft. | ||
| What did she ask him directly? | ||
| Is there anything else to say? | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Is there anything to learn from these mistakes or something like that? | ||
| He's dead now. | ||
| Just laying his Epstein's Xbox. | ||
| It's very... | ||
| How good was that, though, when they just killed Epstein? | ||
| Well, what's crazy is that security cameras went off and the whole country just had to sit there like, yeah, I guess. | ||
| She had some bombs on her. | ||
| Damn, she was cute. | ||
| Great bombs. | ||
| She was cute. | ||
| Jamie, bring up Maxwell's giant hits. | ||
| So her father is some sort of an intelligence agent. | ||
| Right? | ||
| No, he was a media guy, I think. | ||
| A mogul. | ||
| Something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something. | ||
| Ooh, look at her bikini. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| The foot and the cans there. | ||
| Yeah, I'd like to see the cans. | ||
| Cans. | ||
| Film festival. | ||
| Will you pull up her father? | ||
| She's got like Pelosi knobs. | ||
| I'll pull up her tits. | ||
| Yeah, you're doing this wrong, dude. | ||
| Nobody's looking at her father. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, don't bring up his father's big old dog. | |
| The murky life and death of Robert Maxwell. | ||
| Hey, he's a cool dude. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah, she was pretty there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was the story with this dude, Jamie? | ||
| The main part that sticks out, other than his whole history, he was a big media mogul in Europe, and he was found naked in the Mediterranean or something like that. | ||
| Mediterranean? | ||
| Look at him down there in the bottom corner, but the left of the bottom corner where he's dressed up in his fucking Secret Society outfit. | ||
| With Elizabeth Taylor. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| She was something. | ||
| And the boat was named after Ghislaine, too. | ||
| I don't think that matters a ton. | ||
| The boat was named after her? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What is that name? | ||
| Ghislaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ghislaine. | |
| The SS Rape? | ||
| I think you said Ghislaine. | ||
| What language is that? | ||
| They would say Ghislaine and spell it like that. | ||
| I believe. | ||
| Ghislaine. | ||
| But here's the craziest shit about all this, man. | ||
| It's like, this sounded like the most ridiculous conspiracy just years ago. | ||
| If you went 10 years ago and talked to someone and said, hey, there's an island, and they take really famous people and scientists, and they compromise them with young girls. | ||
| What? | ||
| Compromise them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they can have it? | ||
| They videotape them, and then they have this blackmail money, and then people are going to have to resign because they donated money to this guy and gave money to this guy. | ||
| Like, CEOs have resigned because they had written $150 million checks they couldn't account for. | ||
| It didn't make any sense. | ||
| It's a pretty good scheme. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| It's a very simple scheme. | ||
| You're like, yo, what's one thing no one can resist? | ||
| 17-year-old girls on an island. | ||
| Especially if you don't know they're 17. Like, if you think they're 19. And then you film them. | ||
| And then they tell you. | ||
| And then you say, hey, by the way, that kid was fucking 15 years old, you freak. | ||
| You better donate. | ||
| Or they say that you have the girl say it to you after you've already had sex, and you see them react to it, because they might say, it's okay, it's cool, and then they have that. | ||
| Like, who the fuck knows? | ||
| But the fact is, oh, that's the other thing, that his temple was designed to look like the Israeli flag. | ||
| Temple? | ||
| Nice, dude. | ||
| Fucking Jews all the way. | ||
| Look at that part out. | ||
| Look at that temple. | ||
| That was like the mosque and the jelly flag. | ||
| You see the owl up there? | ||
| That was uh... | ||
| Moloch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Moloch. | |
| What's Moloch? | ||
| Moloch the Owl God. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's Bohemian Grove shit. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Have you guys ever looked into the Franklin scandal? | ||
| No. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Benjamin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Benjamin with Franklin. | ||
| I'm only on like chapter two. | ||
| Ben Franklin? | ||
| Al Franken? | ||
| No, Nebraska. | ||
| What did Al Franken do to you? | ||
| Al Franken? | ||
| He went too long on his show. | ||
| He bumped me and did an hour. | ||
| He wouldn't get off. | ||
| Franklin scandal, what is it? | ||
| I don't know enough about it because I'm not done with it. | ||
| I just started. | ||
| Ben? | ||
| Tim Dillon's an expert on this. | ||
| Tim Dillon's all about it. | ||
| Nick Mullins all about it. | ||
| They know all about it. | ||
| And I talk to them and I'm dumb. | ||
| And those guys are smart and they tell me about it. | ||
| Report back. | ||
| I'm trying my best. | ||
| But it's just a real thing that happened. | ||
| Ooh, Omaha! | ||
| I'll be there in two weeks. | ||
| Funny bone. | ||
| The second you read about this, you're like, oh shit, this is real. | ||
| Who's the richest guy in Nebraska? | ||
| Israel. | ||
| But then I was just looking into Pizzagate. | ||
| Yeah, you were. | ||
| That was a fun one. | ||
| Has it been debunked? | ||
| Yeah, I think a lot. | ||
| Could somebody just debunk it? | ||
| Well, the Comet Pizza, there's no basement. | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| They love to say there's no basement. | ||
| There's no basement? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's no basement. | ||
| They love saying there's no basement. | ||
| My favorite of that is the guy who went in there to handle business with a shotgun. | ||
| No, I believe he had an AR. He went down and he was like, I'm going to free those kids out of that basement. | ||
| And he was doing the right thing based on what he believed. | ||
| They're holding kids in there for sex trafficking. | ||
| Yeah, it's one of those things where it's like abortion, like when people protest abortion. | ||
| You're doing the right thing. | ||
| And he's like, well, if you think they are killing kids, you should be like, hey, they're killing kids. | ||
| But the Comet Pizza, the ping pong thing? | ||
| What was the ping pong thing? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| They say there's no basement. | ||
| I think the guy's been on interviews being in our basement. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I could be wrong. | ||
| Let's find that out. | ||
| Is there a basement at Comet Pizza? | ||
| Look, dude, on behalf of my buddies, I would just like somebody to debunk Pizzagate. | ||
| That's all I would like. | ||
| Well, that's one thing about QAnon is they hate pedophilia. | ||
| Everybody gives them shit, but at least they're trying to stop that. | ||
| The problem with QAnon is I wonder how much of it... | ||
| How much of that shit where people are getting manipulated like that is being done with you and I? This is wild. | ||
| Jamie, delete everything I just said. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| A lot of the messages about the far-right conspiracy theory are coming from Germany. | ||
| So that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Well, that's a problem. | ||
| I wonder how much... | ||
| I've had these conversations with people that know about these troll farms and how prevalent they are and how much they get into our social media and affect conversations. | ||
| What's a troll farm? | ||
| Dude, listen to this. | ||
| They found 19 out of 20 top Christian sites on Facebook were run by a company that's designed to start arguments online. | ||
| And they were in Macedonia. | ||
| So it's a troll farm. | ||
| So they're pretending that they're for Jesus, but they're really just trying to get people... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is a job that's from the government. | ||
| So the government is hiring people to set up thousands of cell phones where they're all plugged. | ||
| Have you ever seen it? | ||
| It's a wild thing to see. | ||
| Like, they've taken photos of these troll farms. | ||
| They have all these phones connected to this long rack of tables. | ||
| And these guys are moving along this and they're shitposting. | ||
| They're gonna give me heat. | ||
| Look at that lady. | ||
| She's wearing a coat inside and gloves. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| They're gonna heat the place. | ||
| So what they're doing is, their job is to talk shit. | ||
| So they go online and they'll talk shit about Christians, or they'll talk shit about Muslims. | ||
| So you get people arguing? | ||
| They get people arguing. | ||
| They say extreme things, they have like crosses in their fucking avatars, but it's all fake. | ||
| They got on, they would literally organize Facebook, Facebook organize events like Black Lives Matter vs. | ||
| Guys Who Love America rallies. | ||
| And they would put them at the same place. | ||
| Well, they put a pro-Muslim rally across the street from a Texas separatist rally. | ||
| They created both rallies. | ||
| They organized the whole thing. | ||
| This is a fake account. | ||
| We are troll farmers. | ||
| This is a fake account. | ||
| My baby daddy ain't shit. | ||
| It's a fake account. | ||
| You will hear abusive and or narcissistic men bash on mom and claim parental alienation, yet you never hear them tell people that it was their choice to abandon their children. | ||
| So they're just trying to start fights. | ||
| I follow this guy. | ||
| But listen, look at that post. | ||
| That's a post where it's like, hey, you should take care of your children. | ||
| This guy's an asshole. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| All they're doing is trying to start a fight. | ||
| Yeah, and those go to the top of the galgo. | ||
| And then people comment on that, and they're involved in the fight. | ||
| They got two million followers, basically. | ||
| This is wild. | ||
| This is wild. | ||
| Kevin Hart meme. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's you. | |
| What's the click on the Kevin Hart meme? | ||
| It's a screenshot, but it says, face I'm making my baby, my deadbeat. | ||
| Dad celebrates Father's Day or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I showed you guys this the other day. | |
| There's a meme template site. | ||
| You can pay like five bucks a month and it will just start generating AI memes and you can just pick the best ones out of that. | ||
| Wait, so what's the benefit of creating the fights? | ||
| Who's paying for that? | ||
| Russia is. | ||
| To get us fighting with each other? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The idea is... | ||
| I had HR McMaster. | ||
| What was his gig? | ||
| Secretary of Defense? | ||
| National Security Advisor. | ||
| We met out in the hallway. | ||
| Yeah, I just shook his hand. | ||
| I also went to West Point. | ||
| I let him know I was a bit of a West Pointer myself. | ||
| Terrible shirt. | ||
| Amazing guy. | ||
| Yeah, he looked like a tablecloth. | ||
| But he was discussing how they don't give a fuck who wins the election. | ||
| They just want us to fight. | ||
| Why? | ||
| If Clinton won, the narrative was Clinton stole it from Trump. | ||
| Everybody's going to get mad. | ||
| If Trump won, they changed the narrative to he would have won the popular vote, but Clinton stole the popular vote. | ||
| What's the appeal? | ||
| To get people to have no faith in our system. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If we're all over the place, we can't be focused on one enemy or anything. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| So they're dividing us. | ||
| Look, China is united under the CCP. Russia is united under Putin. | ||
| That's the guy running shit, and then Xi Jinping is rolling shit over there. | ||
| The Troll Farm page also combined to form the largest Christian American page on Facebook, 20 times larger than the next largest. | ||
| What? | ||
| 20 times? | ||
| Reaching 75 million US users monthly, 95% of whom had never followed any of the pages. | ||
| So these fucking people have enormous success with this shit. | ||
| An African American page. | ||
| The largest African American page on Facebook. | ||
| Three times larger than the next largest, reaching 30 million users monthly, 85% of whom had never followed any of the pages. | ||
| Any of what pages? | ||
| Any of the pages that are following them. | ||
| It's like they're unique pages. | ||
| They're not connected. | ||
| The fifth largest women They're not subscribing to a whole, I think, they're not subscribing to a block of things. | ||
| They just pick that, because it's the most successful of the Christian pages, or the most successful of the African American pages. | ||
| So they're getting all the news from this Christian site, from this African American site, from this women's page. | ||
| Yeah, well a lot of people are getting all their, that's their community. | ||
| And the community is literally set up by a troll farm. | ||
| To get them angry about whatever. | ||
| Yeah, about everything. | ||
| I mean, there's like fucking, there's southern separatists. | ||
| Like, keep Confederate statues. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then people weigh in on these fake things. | |
| Like, well, yeah, they have some good points. | ||
| Like, they're not they. | ||
| There's no they. | ||
| They're just trying to get people fighting about shit. | ||
| We could be getting tricked by this shit, but it could also be the same thing about, like, when they got us into Iraq and they were like, they hate our freedom. | ||
| It's exactly the same thing. | ||
| It's like, wait, does Russia just want us to fight? | ||
| Maybe Russia doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| They definitely want us to, and this is well documented. | ||
| This is not like there's a few instances. | ||
| They know the agency. | ||
| It's called the Internet Research Agency. | ||
| It's in Russia. | ||
| People have worked there and left. | ||
| They've taken photographs. | ||
| They've had detailed discussions of it. | ||
| But the thing is, they can do it because you don't know if it's them or if it's a real person. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you know that they're real. | ||
| You have to actually research every account instead of just reading it moving on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How the fuck could you know? | |
| You're not going to do that. | ||
| Well played, Russia. | ||
| But if you ever see people saying horrible shit and then you check their link and it's like they have one follower or zero followers, it's either a person's burner account or it might be a troll. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And they're getting people riled up over shit they normally wouldn't even weigh in on. | ||
| 19. And then we stew over it all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I read that shit and I'm like, ah. | |
| Oh, everyone's talking about this. | ||
| Like, who's the everyone? | ||
| It's everyone commenting on no one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| 19 of the top 20 Christian sites on Facebook. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man. | |
| Run by troll farms. | ||
| So they're literally engineering arguments. | ||
| When those, what's it called, guys, came on here? | ||
| What's it called, guys? | ||
| What's that, Jamie? | ||
| That's the 19 of the 20. They're right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So all of these are fake. | |
| Guideposts is legit. | ||
| All those other ones are run by Troll Farms. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Guideposts. | ||
| Look at this image. | ||
| Look at all those ones that are run by troll farms. | ||
| Be happy and enjoy life. | ||
| Jesus is my lord. | ||
| You can. | ||
| Speak loudly. | ||
| It's all just programming. | ||
| They're just finding these people. | ||
| Light a candle for a lost one. | ||
| A lost loved one. | ||
| Well played, Richo. | ||
| Well played. | ||
| This is wild. | ||
| Yeah, but maybe they're just trying to get clicks. | ||
| My Baby Daddy Ain't Shit is number one. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's theirs. | ||
| My Baby Daddy Ain't Shit is theirs. | ||
| Essence is real. | ||
| And it's a troll farm. | ||
| That's number two. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| Essence, The Root, Source Magazine. | ||
| But isn't that wild? | ||
| My Baby Daddy Ain't Shit is number one. | ||
| You gotta hand it to them. | ||
| We're getting all the lingo right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They do their research. | ||
| Good marketing. | ||
| There's trolls that I know I follow on Instagram, but they post good stuff. | ||
| Well, Nick Mullins was one of the best of all time. | ||
| Nicole Mullins. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Nicole Mullins. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| It was just writing as a mommy blogger for a while. | ||
| It was Nick Mullen. | ||
| It would get people angry at him, but it was just like, you're not mommying, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was a little bit more Republican. | |
| It was great. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| You've got to get that in while you can, because mind reading is around the corner. | ||
| We're about 50 days away from mind reading. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| I won't be allowed in the playground. | ||
| 100% can happen. | ||
| They're going to introduce some sort of a thing that they put in your head, like Elon Musk wants to do Neuralink. | ||
| Fuck mirror. | ||
| They're gonna do something along those, they're gonna do it, because it's gonna make it better. | ||
| Like, you got your eyeballs lasered, they're gonna have some new thing when they inject some bacteria into it, and they're gonna go, you know, this is good, but wouldn't you rather see through buildings? | ||
| And they're gonna do something to your fucking head, and you're gonna be able to instantly access the fucking blueprints for the building. | ||
| You'll know as you're, you'll see it in AR. You'll fall behind if you don't have it. | ||
| It'll show you upstairs what doors lock, what doors open, where's the bathroom? | ||
| I like the faith you have in humanity. | ||
| You're gonna see wire forms of humans walking back and forth. | ||
| That would ruin comedy. | ||
| You go to the show, they know where the punchline's going. | ||
| We'll find new comedy. | ||
| We'll find psychedelic comedy. | ||
| It'll be only for people who trip. | ||
| Unplug comedy. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| When's the last time you guys tripped? | ||
| It's been a while for me. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I guess you're busy. | ||
| Too busy. | ||
| So you don't think that people are going to be able to figure out something that does that? | ||
| Or you think we're going to kill ourselves? | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| I agree. | ||
| It goes fast. | ||
| What do you think happens? | ||
| A hot war? | ||
| Or do you think... | ||
| A hot war. | ||
| What's a hot war? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It's a real war. | ||
| Real war. | ||
| China or Russia. | ||
| Like a hot war. | ||
| Like with guns. | ||
| Oh, like Cold War. | ||
| No, no, it'd be with nuclear weapons. | ||
| Yeah, we're not going to do it. | ||
| I hope not. | ||
| That would be a real bummer. | ||
| Mutually assured destruction is scary, but there's some people that are old that are president. | ||
| Ari. | ||
| I mean, if you have the ability, come on, for real. | ||
| If you have the ability, I mean, how much power does the president really have? | ||
| Like if Biden wakes up and cleans his face and goes, I think I need to bomb somebody. | ||
| He can't do it, right? | ||
| So how many people have to be there to say yes? | ||
| Like how many people are involved in like Hiroshima and Nagasaki? | ||
| How many people made those decisions? | ||
| Good question. | ||
| 20 at least? | ||
| Yeah, it was a small amount. | ||
| That was a secret. | ||
| Yeah, the pilot had to say yes or no. | ||
| Imagine how bad that would fuck with you for the rest of your life. | ||
| Oppenheimer said he was ruined, mentally, after the bomb. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because he invented it. | ||
| You know the name of that plane? | ||
| Presidential decision-making atomic bomb in 1945 the decision to use the bomb lay ultimately in the hands of President Truman So it was just well do we do it mr. Truman and he goes let's fucking do it That saved lives but the guy who pressed that button and let that fucker go Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Heavy. | |
| And he watched it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he was in a goddamn plane. | ||
| He had to do a fucking Yui. | ||
| He had to go up and over to get away from the blast. | ||
| And that's those bullshit planes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those propeller-ass planes. | ||
| The Enola Gay. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| Hey, the Enola Gays. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Enola. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| One thing I was thinking. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Can you imagine being alive when there was never anything like that before? | ||
| And if you've got to think about when this happened, was it 1947 when we dropped the bombs? | ||
| How many people on that plane? | ||
| I thought it was like two people and that's it. | ||
| No, they backed it in. | ||
| But here's the thing, man. | ||
| Flying was like 40 years old. | ||
| Flying was younger than you, Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What are you, 47? | ||
| So if you think about when they first figured out how to fly versus when they dropped a bone out of it. | ||
| How much time do you think they, let's just guess right here. | ||
| How much time do you think they spent from the time they invented the plane until they dropped a bomb out of it? | ||
| From North Carolina. | ||
| 20 years. | ||
| Atomic bomb. | ||
| 20 years. | ||
| No, more, more. | ||
| When was Kitty Hawk? | ||
| What was North Carolina? | ||
| I'm trying to think. | ||
| That was probably the Wright Brothers. | ||
| The Wright Brothers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was 18. It was after the turn of the century. | ||
| It was film, right? | ||
| Because they filmed it. | ||
| I'm going to say 12. Give it a go. | ||
| 1912. Shane acts like he knows for sure. | ||
| I'm close. | ||
| Give me a guess. | ||
| What's the date you say? | ||
| By the time they dropped a bomb at him? | ||
| No, the first plane. | ||
| Kitty Hawk. | ||
| I think that was probably like 08. I'm gonna go 09. I said 012. 1895. Oh, you're an animal. | ||
| Okay, let's see what we got. | ||
| No, it was like 5. 2003. Sorry, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
1903. Jesus Christ. | |
| 1903. Okay. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| They were dropping bombs in World War I. That's what I know. | ||
| 10 years later, they were up in the fucking plane dropping shit out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, you're right. | |
| 10 years. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| What do you mean 10 years? | ||
| No, 10 years for the first dropping bombs. | ||
| They were dropping grenades. | ||
| Actual bombs. | ||
| They were dropping spikes in World War I. It's only 40 years. | ||
| They got up there like, what should we throw? | ||
| Why not drop a brick? | ||
| But how wild is that? | ||
| Only 40 years and they're dropping nuclear bombs out of a plane. | ||
| That's how we operate, baby. | ||
| That is fucking wild. | ||
| We get it moving. | ||
| No planes at all and then nuclear bombs. | ||
| I figured I'd make a trapdoor at the bottom right away. | ||
| Are they going to make planes electric? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| What are they waiting for on that after 10 years? | ||
| No, they do. | ||
| They have a company that's making them. | ||
| They think they can fly hundreds of miles. | ||
| Let's get those Delta prices down. | ||
| Yeah, it'd be nice. | ||
| Some of them think they can make it to a couple thousand miles eventually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Well, we haven't had a hot war between two top GDP countries since the nuke. | ||
| Look at that statistic. | ||
| 1913 is the first time they dropped bombs. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Damn, that was quick. | ||
| That ain't shit. | ||
| They got it in. | ||
| But because of the nuke, world leaders are like, we don't need hot wars. | ||
| That was eight years. | ||
| Look at that plane that they did it with. | ||
| Go back so you can see the plane they did it with. | ||
| That's not it. | ||
| That's not it? | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| What's the plane? | ||
| I was trying to start a look because it says it's an aerial bomb. | ||
| Like a biplane? | ||
| And so they have other bombs that they were using back then. | ||
| Guys, that voice you're hearing is Jamie Vernon. | ||
| He's a popular part of this podcast. | ||
| The guy who drove these planes were just ballsy as hell to be up there like that. | ||
| How about standing on one of them? | ||
| They didn't have a fucking mask on. | ||
| I mean, they didn't have anything over their head. | ||
| That's a scarf. | ||
| Awfully cold. | ||
| They got a scarf and that's it. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| Dude, they were out there exposed. | ||
| And now we have women pilots. | ||
| It wasn't even in commercials. | ||
| It wasn't even under glass. | ||
| Yeah, it was just out. | ||
| Their face was out there in the wind. | ||
| It's like paper. | ||
| Look at that wing. | ||
| That looks like a bird. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| They're trying to mimic it off a bird, so they assume it lasts longer. | ||
| Look at that, the wops. | ||
| Bicycle tires. | ||
| The wops did it first. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How many of those dudes died because they flew into birds? | ||
| Oh, a couple. | ||
| Ow! | ||
| See how slow they were? | ||
| Sully. | ||
| Sully barely got out. | ||
| Look at them holding a bomb in the bottom middle. | ||
| Hold him on the drop with his hands. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| They had a bucket of bombs. | ||
| Literally like railroad spikes. | ||
| They would just drop them in the trenches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, why not? | |
| They'll kill you. | ||
| They did wild shit. | ||
| Just to drop them on people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| That would kill one guy, though. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| You gotta drop it on a house. | ||
| Going fast. | ||
| They bombed, like, the Italian naval fleet. | ||
| With, like, cannonballs? | ||
| It was just an Air Force blew up a naval fleet. | ||
| Did you see that picture I put on my Instagram of the Battle of Waterloo with the guy who got hit in the chest with a cannonball? | ||
| No, pull it up. | ||
| Was it a hole through his chest? | ||
| It's just the armor that he had on in the Battle of Waterloo. | ||
| I found I had a fucking bullet on my Instagram. | ||
| To the fucking right titty. | ||
| Through him? | ||
| Oh yeah, right through his whole body. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's like a hole. | ||
| Like the size of a fucking bowling ball through homeboy's chest. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| Damn! | ||
| So he's wearing this thing that can stop arrows, and he gets hit in the fucking chest with a bowling ball. | ||
| Well, no, they weren't worried about arrows at fucking Waterloo. | ||
| Why was he wearing that? | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| 1815, they had muskets, right? | ||
| Why was he wearing that? | ||
| Yeah, Waterloo was, I mean, that was insane. | ||
| But the cannonball was obviously the big move. | ||
| Why was he wearing that? | ||
| Because there was, like, a lot of shit that could protect you from. | ||
| Beautiful armor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would have helped with bullets. | ||
| From a distance? | ||
| Yeah, from a distance. | ||
| Those bullets, you know, they weren't that fast. | ||
| Waterloo. | ||
| Yo, you ever see that insane guy start ranting? | ||
| Steve Spiros? | ||
| Jamie, the gang's gonna want to see this. | ||
| Is that a photo? | ||
| Let me see a drawing. | ||
| 1815. Oh, wow. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| They just would shoot cannonballs into people. | ||
| Yeah, they would. | ||
| Cannons, what a wild weapon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You've got a giant metal thing that you're going to pull around, you've got to get a horse to pull it, and you get into position, you're basically lighting a bomb, and it launches a ball of lead through people. | ||
| It didn't blow up the ball. | ||
| Yeah, it did. | ||
| It just hits hard. | ||
| Yeah, they figured that out. | ||
| They blew it up? | ||
| Yeah, and then if you got close, they would make it canister shot, which was basically a giant shotgun. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| With lead balls that were like golf balls. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Fucking 15 pounds. | ||
| You can't believe how heavy it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just 100 golf balls would explode out. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And that was technology back then. | ||
| That was high end. | ||
| Still is. | ||
| That's a Claymore now. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| That's what they use. | ||
| They don't know what a Claymore is. | ||
| Listen, Dan Carlin's Hardcore History was talking about how the Mongols would light dead bodies on fire and launch them on catapults onto thatched roofs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| So the light people's house on fire was a flaming dead guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If somebody had disease in your camp... | |
| The catapult's insane. | ||
| Alright, we would launch you, dude. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this question. | ||
| I'm like, guys, can we talk? | ||
| Nah, you're right. | ||
| The trebuchet. | ||
| They would just stand there back then to show their courage. | ||
| I know. | ||
| How dumb is that? | ||
| All I think is back then, how many people were just shitting themselves? | ||
| How many people were like, I don't want to be here, this sucks, but I gotta do it. | ||
| You had to do it. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Look at that image. | ||
| Pull that image back again. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blue apart those legs. | |
| That's from the Patriot. | ||
| That's from the movie. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Of course it's from a movie, dude. | ||
| Oh, fuck that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good point. | |
| No, this is real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, this is real. | |
| This is somebody from the Revolutionary War. | ||
| They filmed this. | ||
| You had to stand still. | ||
| Look, they shot at each other, and everybody had to stand still, and they all got shot. | ||
| It's the dumbest way to fight ever. | ||
| Next up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it was just the technology out-advanced the style. | ||
| Run at them. | ||
| But what would happen if you bailed? | ||
| Like, I gotta go. | ||
| That's Red Badge of Courage. | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
| That's all. | ||
| That's what that's about. | ||
| I gotta watch that. | ||
| I've never seen it. | ||
| Well, you gotta read it. | ||
| Watch that head. | ||
| Watch that head come off. | ||
| I'll watch it. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Whatever happened to Heath? | ||
| He passed away. | ||
| What? | ||
| He was just a Batman. | ||
| He was a hunk. | ||
| No, Heath was the Joker and he died of a drug overdose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| He died a long time ago. | ||
| Probably got the booster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He did take the booster. | ||
| He took too many boosters. | ||
| A lot of boosters. | ||
| He was a fucking amazing joker, huh? | ||
| What a way to go. | ||
| I think he was the best one. | ||
| You don't think Joaquin Phoenix is the best one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah, he got too introspective and emotional. | |
| When did you start supporting communism? | ||
| When did I start supporting communism? | ||
| Oh, that's the new Riddler? | ||
| I saw someone said it's one of Kanye's fall lineup. | ||
| Looks like Antifa. | ||
| The real ass Riddler. | ||
| Paul Dano's good. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| He looks like a lesbian, but he's good. | ||
| But it's very Watchmen-y looking, isn't it? | ||
| It's too dark now. | ||
| It's the Zodiac Killer. | ||
| He looks exactly like the Zodiac Killer. | ||
| But in this new world, they don't have superpowers. | ||
| No, it's the Penguin. | ||
| Penguin? | ||
| I forget who they are. | ||
| It's Colin Farrell? | ||
| Yeah, it's Colin Farrell. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, with some crazy suit on? | ||
| From SNL? Looks like Weinstein. | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| Colin Farrell rules. | ||
| Cool jacket. | ||
| He's a hunk. | ||
| He is a hunk, dude. | ||
| Irish hunk. | ||
| Those are rare. | ||
| You guys are ugly. | ||
| I watched The Watchmen again the other night. | ||
| I've seen them. | ||
| What the fuck is your problem? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you guys seen The Watchmen? | ||
| I can't get into it. | ||
| What was the last time you watched it? | ||
| I read it. | ||
| I've seen it probably three or four times. | ||
| As have I. I'm a fan. | ||
| I watched it again the other night, like a couple weeks ago. | ||
| I was like, they couldn't make this movie today. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Oh, it's so wild. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| There's a lot of racism in there. | ||
| What? | ||
| There's all kinds of stuff. | ||
| There's murder. | ||
| That was a comic book. | ||
| The good guys are murderers. | ||
| There's a real comic book. | ||
| The rapists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's a crazy movie. | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| I was like, whoo. | ||
| Like, the scene with the pregnant lady, like, I don't want to give up anything. | ||
| Like, holy fuck, man. | ||
| Miscarriage? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| Or when Rorschach finds the fucking kids. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| There's so many scenes in that movie, like, what the fuck? | ||
| Rorschach is the best. | ||
| Like, everybody is so flawed, and Dr. Manhattan is the shit. | ||
| And he's so autistic. | ||
| They're like, can you just be chill? | ||
| And his penis is reasonable. | ||
| It's a hell of a dong. | ||
| Oh, they show it? | ||
| But his body's perfect. | ||
| Reasonable for his size. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He could have easily made himself a hanger. | ||
| He could if he wanted. | ||
| He was appropriate. | ||
| Doctor Manhattan should get some credit for having an appropriate penis. | ||
| You remember that one scene where there was eight of them pleasing the girl and he was over doing physics? | ||
| He's like, I thought you liked this. | ||
| Wait, is that him? | ||
| Yeah, he gave himself that eight pack. | ||
| Looks like Mr. Freeze. | ||
| Oh, he looked amazing. | ||
| But he was like a CGI guy. | ||
| He didn't seem like a real person. | ||
| There was some sort of a radiation experiment and he was killed and then his body recomposed and it recomposed his Dr. Manhattan. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| That's the other Dr. Manhattan on the TV show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see the new Watchmen on HBO? That's what I'm saying. | |
| That guy right there. | ||
| It's okay, but that guy seems like a human. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| He's in the blue man. | ||
| He's choosing to make himself a human. | ||
| Dr. Manhattan glows. | ||
| Look at the one to the left of that. | ||
| Now click on that link. | ||
| Why could he get rid of the blue? | ||
| See, that's Dr. Manhattan. | ||
| He's also supposed to be preposterously shredded. | ||
| Show it from the comic book, though. | ||
| Show it from the original. | ||
| Looks like that. | ||
| Oh, is that the comic book? | ||
| Where's this proportional penis I've been hearing about? | ||
| No, but see if you can find it in the comic book. | ||
| Trying to look. | ||
| I think that's it from the comic book there in the lower left-hand corner. | ||
| I see a black guy. | ||
| Let's see if they show more. | ||
| Yeah, he was super... | ||
| Yeah, right there, the middle, right there. | ||
| Click on that. | ||
| Yeah, so he's super jacked. | ||
| Super jacked and tall. | ||
| Oh, he's not a jack-blowing. | ||
| And he... | ||
| Well, that's true. | ||
| But I guess they probably... | ||
| The only real superhero in Watchmen. | ||
| Everyone else is just playing a superhero. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The rest had no powers. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But no, that guy in the right, the far right, the gold hat, he can move real quick. | ||
| Oh, the smart guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they all have like, they're very fast. | ||
| A lot of these guys move really fast. | ||
| Move fast? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, like preposterously fast. | ||
| So do Filipinos. | ||
| They're just willing to take a punch and punch back. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| They have no mercy. | ||
| It's really, really ridiculous. | ||
| There's only, you got one superhero. | ||
| It's like the Avengers. | ||
| Yeah, one superhero. | ||
| If the Avengers of everybody was Hawkeye. | ||
| It was real. | ||
| This is 59? | ||
| That old? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's when the comic book started out. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's an old ass comic book, man. | ||
| But it's so dark. | ||
| It's so dark. | ||
| Yeah, but I think it's the movie adaptation that's so dark. | ||
| No, no, I just read it a couple years ago. | ||
| It's dark. | ||
| It's like one of the guys, like, I was in Vietnam, I was raping people. | ||
| Oh, 86, sorry. | ||
| Why'd I get 59? | ||
| Because that's when the nuclear accident happened in the comic book. | ||
| Got it, got it. | ||
| So 86. Might as well be 59. The 80s are fucked up. | ||
| The 80s are the most fucked up. | ||
| Remember Robocop? | ||
| I was in high school. | ||
| Robocop is fucking dark. | ||
| It is dark. | ||
| I just rewatched it. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| Let's see what happens. | ||
| Not one black guy was killed. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Total Recall? | ||
| Total Recall was fucked up. | ||
| Total Recall was crazy. | ||
| Three tits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Three tits was great. | ||
| What would you guys do with three tits? | ||
| Would you suck them? | ||
| I'd lick them all. | ||
| You would lick all the tits? | ||
| Monday, Wednesday, Friday, break. | ||
| Monday, Wednesday, Friday, break. | ||
| That'd be fun if one was whole skim and almond. | ||
| Soy! | ||
| Soy! | ||
| That's better. | ||
| Now, I wanted to show you guys a video of this guy, Spaz, and it's a very old video, but it's a classic. | ||
| It's kind of like the video you sent in the group text about the lady that was like, Motherfucker! | ||
| Oh, that crazy... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That lady rules? | |
| Hold on, you're going to love this guy. | ||
| You have to have seen it. | ||
| How funny was that lady? | ||
| Steve Spiros. | ||
| This is a classic internet video. | ||
| They're just like, Hey, we're here for this week in fashion. | ||
| What's your name? | ||
| And he just goes... | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Who's Spiros? | ||
| That's his name, dude. | ||
| Steve Spiros? | ||
| Easy going? | ||
| I don't know that. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| No, I'm speaking a lot of gibberish. | ||
| You're going to explain. | ||
| Do you have a stroke? | ||
| JMO? No, no, no. | ||
| I'm trying to find the right video. | ||
| You better make this hole. | ||
| That's a lot of memes about this guy. | ||
| Steve Spiros is king. | ||
| Is he the one that's like, nobody stop me? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| With the sticks? | ||
| That guy's great. | ||
| He has two sticks. | ||
| Waterloo. | ||
| This guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| This is crazy. | ||
| You can't get the right one, dude. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| Why are you on Twitter? | ||
| Why are you on Twitter? | ||
| It's linking to his account. | ||
| Steve Spiro's easygoing? | ||
| Easygoing. | ||
| Steve Spiro's easygoing. | ||
| J-Mode didn't sign up for this. | ||
| No, Steve Spiro's easygoing. | ||
| This is Ole Miss, dude. | ||
| This is Ole Miss football. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| No, Steve Spiro's easygoing. | ||
| I wanted to show you guys a funny video. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Hey, I love a funny video. | ||
| Oh, this is a classic. | ||
| Did his old one get cancelled? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's your name? | |
| My name? | ||
| Oh, let me tell you my name. | ||
| I'm confused because, you know, like we're supposed to believe in the ministry, right? | ||
| So is the church and state supposed to be separate? | ||
| I'm confused because I never went to school. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Is a confused person get a resolution? | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| You see, when you go like that, Right? | ||
| You have a cross, two sticks, right? | ||
| And that's how I felt when I was in Waterloo. | ||
| Because when I walked in Waterloo and smiled at people, they treated me like a vampire. | ||
| They used the cross and they went like this by not smiling at me. | ||
| In Toronto, hey, hi guys, you know me, Steve Spiros, easy going? | ||
| Those who know me, I'm a nobody. | ||
| You understand, and you can't kill a person with no body. | ||
| So, why am I afraid? | ||
| I'm not afraid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm afraid of the boogeyman. | |
| Who's the boogeyman? | ||
| You figure it out. | ||
| Does this guy have more than one video, or just this one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm going to wear my sunglasses that night. | |
| You know why? | ||
| Because women show their tits. | ||
| Half short skirts and then they feel violated when I look at them. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I have sunglasses on and I'm weird. | ||
| I'm from Humberside. | ||
| I'm sorry if I made a fool of Humberside, but all those people who called me a sleepwalker, I woke up. | ||
| Now I'm going back to sleep because I can be committed in an isolation room because I'm going to go back to the ministry and allow them to perceive me as I am a fuck-up! | ||
| This guy will be doing stand-up in a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Toronto the good. | |
| Look at this square. | ||
| It was a shithole when I worked here. | ||
| Now it looks like New York Manhattan. | ||
| You can't take your eyes off them. | ||
| Look at the black lady staring at them. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it's the church. | ||
| Talk to the Pope. | ||
| He knows everything. | ||
| I had it. | ||
| I'm gonna die. | ||
| How can you die? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wait a second. | |
| I'm gonna be crucified, right? | ||
| Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not gonna raise my voice. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| I just wanted you guys to take a look at that. | ||
| Man, I didn't see that coming. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's a real joke. | ||
| I'm not gonna raise my voice. | ||
| I can't stop saying it. | ||
| I'm going back to Waterloo. | ||
| Waterloo. | ||
| No idea what he was talking about. | ||
| That guy could be the new Catch Me Outside girl. | ||
| Someone just has to find him. | ||
| That was just 10 years ago. | ||
| He should be on your mom's house. | ||
| That lady was in the pocket as an interviewer, letting him make a fool of himself, holding him for so long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good for her. | |
| She was amazing. | ||
| Well, at first he sounded like he knew what he was talking about. | ||
| She was like, what's your name? | ||
| And he's like, what's my name? | ||
| And then he just went, and then it took a second to be like, oh shit, this guy's out of his fucking mind. | ||
| She never falters with that mug. | ||
| She looks at the camera like, yo. | ||
| She's a solid pro. | ||
| She kept it together. | ||
| This place looks like New York Manhattan. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| He just looks so annoying. | ||
| If you saw that guy on the street, he'd be like, that's an upstanding citizen. | ||
| I'm not even thinking twice. | ||
| Yeah, you would never think he's insane. | ||
| But he's fired up because girls are showing their tits. | ||
| I wonder what ever happened to him. | ||
| But then if you look at him, they're mad at me because I'm weird. | ||
| That's why I wear sunglasses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's got to be a bummer, dude, just walking around in sunglasses, staring at ladies' tits. | ||
| They get mad. | ||
| Ah, they don't know. | ||
| Sunglasses are the pervs like chief. | ||
| The three of us were walking today when we went on that path. | ||
| You know what I like about Austin is there's hot men jogging on that river path. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| And then I'm walking by with my fat tits. | ||
| We went into the Vulcan last night. | ||
| A chick gave Shane the eyes. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| And then today we were walking. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| Neither of us, for sure, Shane. | ||
| Then today, some dude staring at Shane the same way. | ||
| Same way. | ||
| You got Austin hots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you look like you're on the football team or something. | ||
| The girl in the alley that we saw, that was great. | ||
| I even looked at you guys like, did you see that? | ||
| He looks like a pit master. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He has the best baby back ribs. | ||
| He can change a tire quick, right? | ||
| You go to Shane for baby back ribs. | ||
| You should have seen the way this lady... | ||
| I caught it. | ||
| It was so obvious I looked at you guys like... | ||
| What's happening here? | ||
| Was that at you guys? | ||
| No, it was not. | ||
| I think she was like, don't hurt me. | ||
| I think she was trying to avoid the old alley rape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It might have been like she was like, there's the guy, that's the first one. | |
| Keep my eye on him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's the fattest. | ||
| He's going to lose his mind. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Maybe she had a craving for corned beef and cabbage. | ||
| She's like, this motherfucker know how to get something. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I just have to have the courage to ask him. | ||
| Guys, you're lucky I'm not as rude to you as you are to me. | ||
| And I want you to count your blessings right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| That's the Bud Light talking. | ||
| Damn, look at that pile of jewels over there. | ||
| This is nothing. | ||
| This podcast should be called the 10 Bud Light podcast. | ||
| And as soon as he gets to 10, which he is right now, I got it. | ||
| BL... M's. | ||
| Those lights matter? | ||
| BLM's. | ||
| Bud Light Men. | ||
| Bud Light Men. | ||
| BLM's. | ||
| But wait, in the car you guys said you guys were going to drink with me today. | ||
| I'm drinking. | ||
| You've been drinking. | ||
| You've been doing nothing, dude. | ||
| I had a couple scotches here. | ||
| Two scotches, four beers. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's one of those guys that doesn't think you're as drunk as him. | |
| You guys gotta be fucking drunker. | ||
| They got high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why aren't you drunker? | |
| I don't talk about you like that. | ||
| You guys are high. | ||
| Yeah, we're both high. | ||
| True, true! | ||
| That's a good point that this guy's negating. | ||
| He's done other stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think I go to the bathroom not for coke? | |
| Ari and I are way more confused than you. | ||
| What are you guys confused about? | ||
| Far more. | ||
| Yeah, we got belliterated. | ||
| How many did I take? | ||
| I took at least four hits. | ||
| We took a lot of hits. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They're high on their minds. | ||
| He thought I was Brennan Schaub. | ||
| That weed is... | ||
| Oh yeah, I thought you were going to... | ||
| Oh, you're still into it. | ||
| I'm waiting. | ||
| We think we can take you. | ||
| No, that's not the plan. | ||
| Three of us. | ||
| That's not the plan. | ||
| All three? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I saw those leg kicks he posted. | ||
| You think all three of us? | ||
| Maybe Jamie might need to help. | ||
| It depends on how close you are to me. | ||
| It depends if you're waiting for it or not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what the plan was. | ||
| Three of you jumped me at the same time. | ||
| There's still hope! | ||
| There's not hope. | ||
| You already fucking said it. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You're blowing it. | ||
| No, you blew it. | ||
| You said it. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| There's no fucking sneak attack if you're like, hey. | ||
| You know what's really sad? | ||
| There's people alive that all four of us plus Jamie would be fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We could not take them? | ||
| No, if the mountain was in the room with us, the mountain from Game of Thrones. | ||
| You don't think we could all take them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| You don't think, even if we knew we were going to lose a couple of us, we couldn't take them? | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Bullshit, we could. | ||
| I think once he crushes Norman's head, just like he did that guy with the spear. | ||
| We get scared. | ||
| That bisexual guy, remember that guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He grabs his eyeballs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Once he does that to Norman, we're like, oh no, this is real. | ||
| We would have to have the rage in us or something. | ||
| No. | ||
| All five of us couldn't take Judy Gold. | ||
| She got me. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| One-on-one, she got me. | ||
| She's the mountain. | ||
| Shall we wrap this bitch up? | ||
| Should we do dates? | ||
| What should we do? | ||
| Let everybody know. | ||
| Do you want to pee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him lower his neck like a fucking brown belt. | |
| You said you were going to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| Good luck. | ||
| I got the neck. | ||
| Get in there. | ||
| You put the chin down quick. | ||
| That was good instincts. | ||
| He knew right away. | ||
| He didn't even pick his arms up. | ||
| This is enough for you to stop eating. | ||
| Do you know how many times I've been choked? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| The joke was going to be we were obviously going to hang you out to dry. | ||
| I figured that. | ||
| It's not a good place to fight. | ||
| There's a lot of cords. | ||
| I thought you were going to throw me on the table or something. | ||
| That would have been better video. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I wasn't concerned. | ||
| He didn't even move his hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Touche. | |
| He was in a casual pose with his hands the entire time. | ||
| It was a light grip. | ||
| You knew you were safe. | ||
| It depends on who's grabbing your neck. | ||
| That's the guy. | ||
| Dude, shut your fat. | ||
| Look at that belly. | ||
| Shut your mouth hole. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's 8,000 pounds. | |
| Looks like Shane from the neck down. | ||
| He does. | ||
| That guy probably weighs 500 pounds. | ||
| That guy's got a Rasputin. | ||
| I wonder what he really is. | ||
| He's lost a lot of weight because he's shredded now. | ||
| He got down because he's going to box this guy, Eddie Hall. | ||
| And they have this big boxing match they've been playing for a long time. | ||
| So along the way, he's lost a shit ton of weight and he took up boxing. | ||
| But go to that picture of him. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at what he looks like now. | ||
| No, I couldn't take him there. | ||
| The fat one I could take. | ||
| Bro, you're not taking... | ||
| You could definitely take him. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would lose to everybody. | ||
| Thank you for your first statement. | ||
| You would literally lose to everybody we know. | ||
| You don't think I use my intelligence to fight these fights? | ||
| You're not that smart. | ||
| Jake Paul could beat him. | ||
| You're dumber than you think. | ||
| You don't have any idea how big this guy is. | ||
| He's so big. | ||
| 6'8"? | ||
| What are we talking? | ||
| No, I think he's 7 feet tall. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How tall is he, Jamie? | ||
| Let's see how tall is the mountain. | ||
| Look at this lady! | ||
| She's little! | ||
| That's his girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I think he's bigger than 6'5". | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think he's like 6'10 or something crazy. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| He should be called the mountain. | ||
| Yeah, I think he's something crazy. | ||
| 13 cans tall. | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| What is this height? | ||
| Those are big cans, too. | ||
| Those are 16 ounces. | ||
| Tall boys. | ||
| What? | ||
| We lost the TV. He was sparring with McGregor, and it was insane. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just like as a joke, but they were sparring. | ||
| He didn't know what to do. | ||
| I'd love to see that. | ||
| And it literally looked like a child. | ||
| Six foot nine. | ||
| Six nine! | ||
| So he's basically the same side as Tyson Fury. | ||
| That's how tall Tyson Fury is. | ||
| And what's funny is Tyson Fury would maul that dude. | ||
| You think? | ||
| If they boxed. | ||
| A thousand percent. | ||
| Tyson Fury would destroy that guy. | ||
| But he could pick him up and put him in a headlock. | ||
| Listen, if Tyson Fury lost that fight, you would go to Tyson Fury and go, you owe me money, motherfucker. | ||
| Oh, there they are. | ||
| Yeah, look at the size of him. | ||
| You'd go, you threw that fight, bitch. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Tyson Fury's body is so funny. | ||
| Why doesn't he make an effort? | ||
| He's the greatest fighter of all time. | ||
| I don't trust it. | ||
| Look at those love handles. | ||
| He's doing good. | ||
| In argument to be one of the greatest heavyweights of all time. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah, in the argument. | ||
| A honky. | ||
| That was him when he was really fat, though, before he got back in shape. | ||
| Gross. | ||
| Because he got to over 300 pounds. | ||
| He got super fat. | ||
| You know what I don't like is your disdain for overweight people. | ||
| They should die. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they're going to get COVID. The baddest guy that's ever lived, he's got a dad bod. | ||
| I mean, even when he's in the ring in full perfect shape, like he's right there, I mean, that's not the best body. | ||
| That's better than he looks in the ring. | ||
| In the ring, he spills out of his trunks. | ||
| It depends on what fight, but yeah, in some of the fights. | ||
| Where's Tyson Fury from? | ||
| England. | ||
| He's the Gypsy King. | ||
| He's the fucking man. | ||
| England, huh? | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| That guy is so good. | ||
| When he figured out Deontay Wilder in the last round of the first fight, and then he continued that strategy into the second fight, just annihilated him, and then he said he was going to do it. | ||
| He said he was going to stop him and knock him out. | ||
| Everybody's like, there's no way you're going to knock him out. | ||
| He's only 33 years old. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| There was a video of Tyson Fury singing to... | ||
| His girlfriend or his wife. | ||
| Oh, dude, at the end of every funny karaoke, he sings so long that the crowd's like, alright, wrap it up. | ||
| After he fucks people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Walking in Vegas. | |
| Billy McCusker, what up? | ||
| But there's a video of him singing with his kids, and he's singing Notorious B.I.G., and he's like, if you don't know, now you know, and he says it. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| But then Twitter got a hold of it, and everybody that was black on Twitter was like, look, we sent our best guy at him. | ||
| He's allowed to say it. | ||
| He's so unusual because he's literally from a band of travelers. | ||
| He really is a gypsy. | ||
| His father was a fucking bare knuckle boxer. | ||
| His father's a giant gorilla too. | ||
| They're both giant dudes. | ||
| His dad's not 6'9", but he might be 6'4", 6'5". | ||
| Huge guy. | ||
| The whole family is just giant. | ||
| So they grew up scrappy. | ||
| It's a part of their culture. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bare knuckle. | |
| There's a whole world in England that's bare knuckle boxing gypsies. | ||
| I mean, you ever see Snatch? | ||
| Yeah, except it's real. | ||
| Except they're monsters. | ||
| It's not Brad Pitt's shredded ass. | ||
| There's plenty of videos online of travelers having boxing matches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He's a fucking bag of shite. | ||
| Mark Norman doesn't have a fucking chance with me. | ||
| Mark Norman. | ||
| I'll knuckle him up inside a horn round. | ||
| How good is Brad Pitt in Snatch? | ||
| Amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you get punched once bare knuckle, you're fucked. | |
| No, not necessarily. | ||
| It depends on where you hit a guy. | ||
| Have you been in a fight? | ||
| We'll see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| If you get hit on the forehead, it depends on who punches you. | ||
| For being too jacked. | ||
| A lot of guys, when they punch you bare knuckle on the forehead, they break their fucking hands. | ||
| Oh yeah, like that movie. | ||
| Happens all the time, man. | ||
| What's this? | ||
| This movie is incredible. | ||
| Oh, that's the guy. | ||
| That guy was like the world champion. | ||
| So this movie is about... | ||
| I hate this man. | ||
| I hate this man. | ||
| It's two families that hate each other? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a rivalry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's like town. | ||
| You gotta hear something. | ||
| Until one man gives up. | ||
| And they would fight in the streets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
"Ever, ever, ever, baby." "I just wanna go out and fight James, 'cause he's his better." He's subtitles, he's great. | |
| "Each that one is all good." So there's all these videos these guys made, like challenge videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
"Leave me alone, let me out my life." Leave me alone and let me get on with my life. | |
| Leave me alone. | ||
| I'm done with this fight and... | ||
| Irish travelers? | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, you have to have kind of a different style to be a bare-knuckle guy. | ||
| And you have to be huge, apparently. | ||
| A lot of these guys are big as fuck. | ||
| That guy's old. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| When's this coming out? | ||
| Bumfights. | ||
| Bumfights. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I'd love to see this. | ||
| You gotta watch it. | ||
| They interview the guys in the trailers. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| They all live in caravans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| And that's how they want to live, too. | ||
| But they're so big. | ||
| How do they fit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They barely fit. | |
| He's a legend. | ||
| There's two stories out here. | ||
| There's two stories out here. | ||
| He does heavy training. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not real. | |
| Is that fake, Jamie? | ||
| That was fake as shit. | ||
| Oh, the weights, you mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like 50 pounds. | ||
| Two stones and two stones. | ||
| What is he saying it weighs? | ||
| One stone, what is it, 13? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's he saying it weighs? | ||
| 25 pounds, I guess. | ||
| Maybe it's... | ||
| It's just funny listening to these guys talk. | ||
| These are real people. | ||
| Smoking cigarettes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smoking cigarettes That's a fight That's what I call a fight. | |
| That's what I could do. | ||
| Break a man up. | ||
| That's a crazy way to live your life, man. | ||
| Living out of a trailer, beating the fuck out of dudes, bare knuckle. | ||
| But it's a real thing. | ||
| Those are real people. | ||
| All we got is like Honey Boo Boo. | ||
| Here's a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're so angry. | |
| See if you can find where Tyson Fury came from, because his group was this tight. | ||
| They'd all be defeated by an 80 degree die. | ||
| He'd be defeated by what? | ||
| One sunny day. | ||
| One sunny day we'd take him out. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| It's cool that he exists. | ||
| Well, it's a wild culture. | ||
| But they make some great fucking boxers. | ||
| There's a few good kickboxers that come from there, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they must watch Sights and Fury and go nuts. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Literally, his belt says Gypsy King. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's the king. | ||
| Does he still fight Gypsy or no? | ||
| What? | ||
| No chance. | ||
| Does he still fight the gypsy fights? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, he fights for a hundred million dollars in fights. | ||
| He fights for a hundred million dollars in fights. | ||
| He's the heavyweight champion of the world. | ||
| Yep, not everywhere. | ||
| Shut your fucking mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was him when he was young and handsome. | |
| Whoa! | ||
| He was handsome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some kids walk in the gym and they're like, not obviously really. | |
| And I've always been like... | ||
| Well, I thank Mick for that, but I'm here to back him up. | ||
| And if I don't, then there's a big problem. | ||
| I've got all the ability and all this. | ||
| Tyson had a little podcast. | ||
| He was laying on a couch just talking some shit. | ||
| About who? | ||
| He was like, I don't care. | ||
| Well, that must be fun. | ||
| I think it's a little bit against your people, you guys. | ||
| Well, he's literally the baddest man on earth. | ||
| It's not a heavyweight UFC fighter. | ||
| It just shows that the poorest fucks are the best fighters. | ||
| Not the poorest, but the most oppressed. | ||
| The writers. | ||
| But it's part of their culture to fight. | ||
| It's a normal thing. | ||
| It's like they relish the opportunity, and it's a great way for men to prove their manhood, and they're fucking good at it. | ||
| What if you grow up there and you just want to be a graphic designer? | ||
| Tough shit, fuckface. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody wants to design their album cover. | |
| Right, I just like fashion. | ||
| It's a fucked up way to make a living, getting punched in the face with bare knuckles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, what about a hug? | ||
| Alright, the Blowjob Boys. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| BJB. Four queefs. | ||
| BLMs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| What's that, Jamie? | ||
| What time's the show? | ||
| We've got a show in an hour. | ||
| Does anybody want to smell some smelling salts? | ||
| I forgot to last time. | ||
| I gotta wake up. | ||
| Guys, Cleveland sold out this weekend. | ||
| Why are you promoting gigs for smelling salts in the middle of the show, you fuck? | ||
| No, because this is going to make a video, you fucking idiot, and that video is going to be everywhere. | ||
| It's not Cleveland this weekend when this video goes around. | ||
| How excited were you for Cleveland sold out? | ||
| Cleveland will be done. | ||
| My ex had a real stank, tangy veg. | ||
| I bet I can take this. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You cannot take this. | ||
| Smelling salts? | ||
| We'll go with Norman because he's cocky. | ||
| There's our archphere.com. | ||
| I'll save him for... | ||
| Okay, save him for later. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Now what is this, powders? | ||
| I gotta open it up, too. | ||
| No, it's like a crystal. | ||
| You gotta open it up. | ||
| Open it up, but don't throw it at me or anything. | ||
| I won't throw it. | ||
| When the smell hits you like a fucking freight train. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Wait, you don't take an individual? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Like a freight train. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No way. | ||
| What are these used for? | ||
| Give it to Shane. | ||
| Give it to Shane. | ||
| Waking people up when they're knocked out. | ||
| Waking people up when they're knocked out. | ||
| No, no, but this specific one is for weightlifting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It smells like my ex. | |
| Powerlifting. | ||
| You don't take anything out. | ||
| Just take a sniff. | ||
| Just take a sniff. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ready? | |
| Three, two, one. | ||
| You got too deep. | ||
| You went too deep. | ||
| Look at the hit! | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the hit! | |
| Bro, you blew your neck out. | ||
| There at the back of my head. | ||
| You pulled a muscle. | ||
| You blew your fucking neck out. | ||
| My nose bleeding? | ||
| Have you done this before? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I did it with Theo. | ||
| Holy dick. | ||
| Me and Theo did it the first time. | ||
| Bigger nose! | ||
| Bigger nose! | ||
| Stronger... | ||
| Olfactory senses. | ||
| I bet Ari's like a bloodhound. | ||
| I bet he smells us different. | ||
| I'm tearing up. | ||
| Do you smell us different than we smell you, do you think? | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| And I eat ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But the way he did that, I'm like, who the fuck? | |
| How can he do that? | ||
| Where's the top? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Bring that over here. | ||
| Give it to daddy. | ||
| I'm snotting. | ||
| I'm snotting. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I didn't hate it. | ||
| It stings so bad. | ||
| I watched you guys do it. | ||
| I've only done this a couple of times before, but I remember what it's like. | ||
| Let's see if I've minimized it in my mind. | ||
| I went too close to the bottle, I think. | ||
| Go close. | ||
| You gotta take a big hit. | ||
| You didn't get in there. | ||
| I took a big old hit. | ||
| You look like you watched my special on Netflix. | ||
| I was ready for it this time. | ||
| I wouldn't mind taking another hit, dude. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| It wakes you up. | ||
| I feel cleared out. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I had COVID before that. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It killed it. | ||
| It's so surprising. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| I didn't think it was like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It burns. | |
| It's piercing. | ||
| Oh, my ears popped. | ||
| It still hurts. | ||
| It's very shocking. | ||
| Even though I know it, I've done it already, and you have to keep it in this plastic bag. | ||
| Shout out to, how do you say his name, Jamie? | ||
| The Devil. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| He's a power-lifted dude who, this is his product, and it's called Ah, right? | ||
| It's called Ah! | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| You never hear about smelling pepper. | ||
| Bro, this stuff is... | ||
| It wakes you right the fuck up. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I get a shot after that. | ||
| Gentlemen, we have a show tonight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How exciting. | |
| Great job, guys. | ||
| I can't go on after that. | ||
| How exciting. | ||
| Let's go do stand-up comedy. | ||
| Come on, let's have some fun. | ||
| Hammered. | ||
| I think Shane Gillis is going to be really funny tonight. | ||
| I bet you I am. | ||
| Finally. | ||
| I have a feeling he's going to be angry. | ||
| Alright, we did it. | ||
| Cuddle party, protect our parks. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Vote online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
BLM. Tweet to Shane because he reads everything. | |
| You guys remember him? | ||
| What were the good ones? | ||
| Cuddle party. | ||
| Guy clan. | ||
| Forkweeps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Guy clucks. | ||
| The meat crew. | ||
| Oh, Bushmeat Boys. | ||
| Bushmeat Boys is pretty good. | ||
| Bushmeat Boys is good, but now we're just naming a podcast. | ||
| Should we name it like it's a podcast? | ||
| Well, we're doing a podcast, essentially. | ||
| It seems like when we did the first one, it was so fun to do that we're like, we need to do this more often. | ||
| Just get hammered, smoke some joints and some cigars. | ||
| I'm not drunk at all. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Same. | ||
| Too sober as a bird. | ||
| I can drive. | ||
| We don't need to name it. | ||
| We don't need to name it, dude. | ||
| Naming stuff's fucking corny. | ||
| Let the internet name us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Definitely not. | |
| We'll just call it episode two. | ||
| We'll see you in three months. | ||
| We'll be back. | ||
| Anybody else got anything to promote? | ||
| Phoenix, Denver. | ||
| Cleveland, Phoenix. | ||
| Vancouver coming. | ||
| What are you doing in Phoenix? | ||
| Phoenix is doing the stand-up live. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| That's a big room. | ||
| That's a great room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fun one. | |
| That's a great room. | ||
| You and Wise Guys at Salt Lake? | ||
| Sold out. | ||
| Me and Norman are doing that together. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Comedy. | ||
| Already in March. | ||
| You sold out, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| How about you add another show? | ||
| We are going to add another one. | ||
| They're trying to add a show. | ||
| We're thinking about another one. | ||
| An early one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A 331. Oh yeah, our tickets are already sold out. | |
| Shane and I are going to be at the Irvine Improv. | ||
| The day before the UFC, which is what, February 21st? | ||
| I thought it was January. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| Who's fighting? | ||
| Anybody fun? | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Isn't that like next week? | ||
| The Gypsy Queen. | ||
| Hey, I'll be at the Des Moines, Syracuse, Sacramento, Kansas City, Omaha, Columbus, Fort Wayne, La Jolla, Tampa. | ||
| Fort Wayne's a new club. | ||
| I've been counting down. | ||
| Summit. | ||
| Tuesdays are stories. | ||
| We might be drunk. | ||
| Out to lunch. | ||
| On YouTube. | ||
| That's Francis Ngannou and Cyril Ghosn, too. | ||
| Oh, he's good. | ||
| They better watch out. | ||
| I might get in there and knock one of those guys off. | ||
| Black on black cry. | ||
| That signifies that he's had the 10 jewels. | ||
| The 10 crystals have made it into his system. | ||
| He thinks he can fight Francis Ngannou. | ||
|
unidentified
|
10 jewels pop. | |
| Alright, who's this? | ||
| This is Shane. | ||
| This is me. | ||
| January 13th, Tacoma Comedy Club. | ||
| I heard that place is the shit. | ||
| Tacoma's great. | ||
| Good room. | ||
| That's through the 15th. | ||
| And then Comedy Connection, boom! | ||
| The Volk. | ||
| Used to be a bank. | ||
| You know that? | ||
| Used to be a bank. | ||
| Wise guys. | ||
| Look at you guys. | ||
| Killing it. | ||
| The best clubs. | ||
| Levity Live. | ||
| That's a great place. | ||
| West Nyack? | ||
| That's a fucking fun gig. | ||
| I used to do that gig. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| We're going to 6th Street tonight. | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Good night, everybody. |
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