Nov. 3, 2021 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:02:35
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | |
| All day. | ||
| This is basically a super show, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Shane Gillis. | ||
| Hey, super spreader of love. | ||
| Ari Shafir. | ||
| And Mark Norman with a mask on. | ||
| He's got a shtick going. | ||
| Just want to be safe. | ||
| We just saw your antibodies. | ||
| We all have antibodies except Ari. | ||
| I have other things, guys. | ||
| I'm on a different level. | ||
| You have the most bitch-ass antibody line from that vaccine. | ||
| Auschwitz! | ||
| And you had it in June? | ||
| So July, August, September, October, November. | ||
| Five months, it's useless. | ||
| Five months. | ||
| Useless. | ||
| Does nothing. | ||
| The weaker people. | ||
| And yet I've never gotten it. | ||
| I've survived everything. | ||
| Overdoses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, resilience. | ||
| Maybe it's all the drugs. | ||
| Maybe it's the drugs. | ||
| Kills everything else. | ||
| Kills brain cells. | ||
| Can't kill those cells. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's good. | ||
| I like how you're thinking. | ||
| Prove me wrong. | ||
| Fauci hasn't weighed in on that. | ||
| Well, there was a lot of talk about people that smoke cigarettes. | ||
| They were saying that people that smoke cigarettes are less likely to catch it, and they were trying to figure out why. | ||
| And someone made this theory, said, well, you've got to think about what cigarettes are. | ||
| It's hot smoke. | ||
| You're taking in hot smoke in your lungs in the very area where coronavirus replicates in your throat and in your nostrils. | ||
| So these people, I mean, it's a dumb idea. | ||
| It's not like smoking cigarettes will kill. | ||
| Maybe that works. | ||
| We're saying it for a little bit, right? | ||
| You'd have to smoke a lot. | ||
| You'd have to do it like, you know, like Wiz Khalifa style. | ||
| Being inactive and drinking has helped me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You get into less bad situations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just haven't gotten... | ||
| Well, I got it. | ||
| Well, you got it. | ||
| You guys both got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fighting it off, dude. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| All three of you got it, I believe. | ||
| I was recently exposed. | ||
| Yeah, you were. | ||
| Shane just went through it. | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| You have the other line. | ||
| You have the lower line that's a recent exposure line. | ||
| Mark Norman, you've got some fat ass antibodies. | ||
| How do you feel about that? | ||
| I don't know if they're that fat. | ||
| Mine were fat as hell. | ||
| His were thin. | ||
| I was gonna get to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got a hell of a piece. | |
| Joe was chirping until he saw my lines. | ||
| Yours is exactly the same as mine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| Calm down a little. | ||
| Well, congratulations on being like me. | ||
| When you've been canceled, your line gets thicker. | ||
| Better or worse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The more you get canceled, it builds up your social immunity as well. | |
| I've been through one in like a year and a half, so mine are all weekend. | ||
| Time for another death tweet. | ||
| Get Chappelle in here. | ||
| It'll be this thick. | ||
| Yeah, right now. | ||
| But meanwhile, when the guy goes on stage, I filmed him going on stage when we did New Orleans or Nashville? | ||
| I think New Orleans. | ||
| It's the fucking craziest sound you've ever heard in your life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god, they're so happy he's there. | ||
| How was New Orleans, though? | ||
| Because they can be notoriously shitty audiences. | ||
| They were great. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| No, it was wild. | ||
| The same thing with Louis. | ||
| When he went up to the cellar, it was always like explosions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are happy. | ||
| It's a small percentage of very loud people that are canceling him, and all of them didn't see the special. | ||
| That's why there's no quotes. | ||
| If you notice the thing about Chappelle, all the hate... | ||
| One word quotes. | ||
| He finds them, quote unquote, funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a guy on the other day, Rob Kearney, who goes by the name World's Strongest Gay on Instagram. | ||
| He's a power lifter who happens to be a gay guy. | ||
| And that was the thing that bothered him. | ||
| He said that he finds him... | ||
| Chappelle saying he finds him funny, he thought was... | ||
| At some point, aren't we all just supposed to be like, whatever this is is a misquote. | ||
| Anything you're exposed to is probably a misquote. | ||
| Like, everyone. | ||
| If you're not hearing it in context, in the same special, Chappelle literally talks about being molested and jerking off in a man's face. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| And he beat up a lesbian in the special. | ||
| No one cares about that. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| About who's tenderizing her titties. | ||
| He was hitting her with lefts and rights. | ||
| It's absurd to the extreme, and yet they focus on one thing he says as if it's a statement. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, as if he's giving an affidavit. | ||
| People are done with it. | ||
| And then they all walk out, but there was like real strikes at John Deere and Kellogg that nobody cared about. | ||
| What was the real strikes? | ||
| Yeah, they were all getting horrible work conditions, so they all striked. | ||
| Well, what about the sanitation workers in New York City? | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| They could bring the city to their knees. | ||
| Those are the most important people in the city. | ||
| They get paid the least. | ||
|
unidentified
|
NYPD, too. | |
| Yeah, well, NYPD, there's quite a few, and the fire department, too. | ||
| They're shutting down a bunch of firehouses because they don't want to get vaccinated. | ||
| It's crazy, man. | ||
| Sanitation's striking over that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Vaccination mandates. | ||
| They have the utmost power. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You've got to train to come in. | ||
| Anybody can be a teacher. | ||
| I lived in New York when it went really bad in the 90s. | ||
| In the 90s, there was a sanitation strike that lasted a long time, and there was fucking six-foot piles of garbage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that every night? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It feels like that. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| It's like, it moves? | ||
| You ever see the move? | ||
| Oh, the rats. | ||
| And the hobos. | ||
| The rats are insane. | ||
| They're insane. | ||
| The rats are just running around. | ||
| You ever seen that documentary on Netflix? | ||
| Rats? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't watch that shit. | ||
| When you find out how many rats are actually in New York City, you're like, oh my god, the same biomass as people, if not more. | ||
| Yeah, imagine. | ||
| You ever jump down on the tracks before, on the subway? | ||
| No. | ||
| I used to skateboard. | ||
| My board rolled down there, and I was like 21, so I was a young cum guzzler, and I just jumped down there to grab it, and it was just rats everywhere scurrying, and then everybody's like, what are you, crazy? | ||
| And I jumped out, and it's... | ||
| Uh, deceivingly tall, that ledge, so like it comes up to here, which is hard to get up. | ||
| I had to get up and then, you know, I made it, but I was covered in shit. | ||
| Well, here's the other thing, like grabbing something and holding onto a wall with your hands and pulling yourself up and then getting your upper body, it takes a lot of strength. | ||
| Yeah, I can't get out of a pool. | ||
| I gotta do the thing where I like lay. | ||
| You ever see that thing that people do in a bar called a muscle-up? | ||
| Where you start from a hanging sit-up and then you push all the way up. | ||
| Fucking very hard to do. | ||
| You see that guy fall off the building who tried to do it but there's nothing to grab onto? | ||
| In Tokyo or wherever? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He tried to do pull-ups, you know, the parkour pull-ups, and then he was like, couldn't do the last one, and he was like, oh, shit. | ||
| And you see him go, what am I going to do? | ||
| And then he's just like, the guy's filming from across the way, and he's just like, nope, and then it falls. | ||
| Yeah, there was those dudes that were taking pictures, like, filming themselves, like Russian kids. | ||
| I think his was on, like, a crane. | ||
| He went to, like, the edge of a crane. | ||
| His arms just gave out to me. | ||
| Oh, Ari's going to show it to us. | ||
| He hung there for, like, a minute. | ||
| Jamie's going to show it to us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a big TV. It's a big TV. That's not the one I saw. | |
| Fucking Russians, man. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| My hands are sweating just watching this. | ||
| No, it's Asian. | ||
| This might be a Mexican on the wall. | ||
| Man who scales China. | ||
| Oh, look at him. | ||
| He's on top of the building, chilling. | ||
| This is rough. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He's a baller. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| He's like, I can do anything. | ||
| What? | ||
| Are they going to show the drop? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Not all the way down. | ||
| Anyone else hard? | ||
| Where does he know he's not going to be able to get back up? | ||
| So he's hanging? | ||
| He's fine right there. | ||
| Don't push it. | ||
| Don't push it. | ||
| Why'd you push it? | ||
| He's doing two chin-ups. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That should be enough. | ||
| That should be enough. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It's done. | ||
| He's got to make one jump. | ||
| It's like that Free Fall movie with the guy, the rock climber. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, he's fucked. | ||
| He's fucked. | ||
| This is the end. | ||
| He should say... | ||
| What do you do there? | ||
| You die. | ||
| You say a prayer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Oh my god, and that is so far. | ||
| Oh, jeez, Luis. | ||
| What a way to start. | ||
| My hands are so sweaty. | ||
| You know James Kingston? | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| He's the guy who's been on the podcast a few years back, and he does a lot of those videos with GoPros, and he put one up on his Instagram page today of him walking on the top of the Eiffel Tower, and you're watching him do it, and it's just like, oh... | ||
| Eiffel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eiffel. | |
| I said Eiffel, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I fucked it up. | ||
| But he's walking on the top of this tower on these beams, like, just, you know, four inches wide. | ||
| And he's balancing himself. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow! | ||
| This is where a black guy goes, this is white people shit. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| 100% white people shit. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ! | ||
| Oh, man! | ||
| This just drives me nuts. | ||
| Beautiful city. | ||
| You ever see the guy try to test out a flight suit on the Eiffel Tower? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a guy trying to fly. | ||
| Did it not work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's great. | |
| He just dies in front of everyone. | ||
| He's like, everyone invented flight. | ||
| Bro, the worst one I ever saw. | ||
| Just try to save it. | ||
| Just straight down. | ||
| The worst one I ever saw was these people on a bridge and this guy in a flight suit was timing it where he was going to fly through the bridge and he missed it. | ||
| And he slams right into the side of the bridge with this loud clang. | ||
| This is him? | ||
| He's like, watch this. | ||
| Check this shit out. | ||
| 1912. Look at that thing. | ||
| It's like a blanket. | ||
| That guy was suicidal. | ||
| He just wanted everybody to watch. | ||
| He got a permit for this. | ||
| What kind of permits did they have? | ||
| - Oh, geez. - Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- Oh. - Oh. - Oh. - That was no wrong brother. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| The parachute failed to deploy and he plummeted 187 feet to his death. | ||
| His right leg and arm were crushed, his skull and spine broken, and he was seen bleeding from his mouth, nose, and ears. | ||
| He didn't even a little bit get it. | ||
| No. | ||
| No glide at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rewind a little. | |
| I think they dragged him away. | ||
| I don't think there was any, like, don't move him. | ||
| That's how they did it back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just didn't want him to leave a puddle. | ||
| Like, ah, it didn't work. | ||
| Oh my god, they're dragging him away. | ||
| Everything's crushed. | ||
| They're holding on to his broken leg. | ||
| Look at the indentation he made in the ground. | ||
| Look, they're measuring it. | ||
| He was still less injured than Tom Segura. | ||
| This was entertainment back then. | ||
| This was pre-internet. | ||
| Like, hey, here are guys jumping off the thing. | ||
| Yeah, let's go. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't understand that stuff. | ||
| I don't even understand parachute people. | ||
| Like, why do you want to do that? | ||
| You've never skydived? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've never done it either. | ||
| You say it like I should have done it. | ||
| You feel like you have. | ||
| I thought you did a podcast in the air. | ||
| I see you guys skydiving. | ||
| I would, but I don't want to. | ||
| I would have, but my dad did it in the army when Arabs were shooting at him, so it feels like a pussy move to be like, I did it for fun with the dude straps in my asshole. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It looks awesome, and everybody says after you do it, it's like the most refreshing, best moment of your life, but I got no desire. | ||
| I think that first part of just having a guy strapped me. | ||
| That ruins it. | ||
| I bet you get used to being up there after like two seconds, so you're just like, How many times do you have to do it before you can do it on your own? | ||
| Five? | ||
| Just go to a cheaper place. | ||
| You can do it once if no one's looking. | ||
| Just go to South America. | ||
| It's like some of those dive sites like, is this Patty? | ||
| It's whatever you want it to be. | ||
| 25 jumps. | ||
| Oh, man, I was way off. | ||
| That's a lot, though. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| And that ain't cheap, either. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you gotta take a class, so fuck that. | ||
| Red Band's dad worked in this office building with this person, I think it was a lady, that was really into skydiving and was always trying to get him to go skydiving. | ||
| And one day, he shows up Monday morning, and the person's not there. | ||
| I think it was a lady. | ||
| And he's like, where is she? | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| Didn't make it. | ||
| Skydived, parachute didn't deploy. | ||
| Bounced off the ground like a fucking frisbee. | ||
| I feel like your business is done then. | ||
| Well, that job you need to find a new person for. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You cash in for a week or two while people sell their reservations. | ||
| But that's a bad trip advisor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| It's over. | ||
| You know, that Yelp review. | ||
| I heard about a guy who survived, his parachute didn't deploy, and he fell through a barn, and he lived. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| He fell through a barn, through the roof of a barn, and into like stacks of hay, and actually survived. | ||
| You gotta believe in God after that. | ||
| You better. | ||
| Imagine going through all that, but I can't believe it. | ||
| Second lease on life, and then you go home, and your wife is still a cunt. | ||
| Or you come home, and she's fucking some guy because she thought you were dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, God damn it. | |
| Like, you didn't even wait until tomorrow? | ||
| You're just in there trying to fuck a horse, and a guy flies through the ceiling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's a sign to keep going? | ||
| You ever seen the bridge? | ||
| The bridge documentary where the guys jump off the bridge? | ||
| It's called the bridge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| San Francisco. | ||
| A friend of mine just did that. | ||
| He died? | ||
| Yeah, just committed suicide there. | ||
| Oh, off that bridge? | ||
| Guy I've known for... | ||
| No, Donald's alive. | ||
| Guy I've known for more than 20 years, yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And that's the bridge he picked? | ||
| Yeah, that's the one. | ||
| Parachute plummets through roof into kitchen of California house. | ||
| Man survived the fall after a chute failed to open. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow, in the kitchen. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| That one in New York with a guy falling off onto the car? | ||
| Oh, that was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, nine stories. | ||
| All he had was like a busted arm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see that? | |
| Yeah, he had a Tom Segura arm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everyone's like, stop moving, but he's so shook. | ||
| Did someone throw him out of the window? | ||
| I think they think someone threw him out of the window. | ||
| There was an investigation. | ||
| He looked like the kind of guy that someone with 39 stories. | ||
| Is this another one? | ||
| This is 2010. 29 stories landed on a car and survived. | ||
| He came down feet first at like a hundred miles an hour. | ||
| Feet first! | ||
| Andrew Petrocelli, a maintenance worker. | ||
| I saw this fucking guy, he told the New York Daily News. | ||
| It's a miracle if I've ever seen one. | ||
| He should be a goner. | ||
| It was like that movie Unbreakable. | ||
| That movie Unbreakable, the guy broke all the time. | ||
| You fucking idiot. | ||
| That was this guy, Unbreakable. | ||
| That was this guy, Unbreakable. | ||
| That guy did not watch that movie. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| It's good he had that reference handy. | ||
| Isn't that movie about, like... | ||
| No, he got that one right. | ||
| You're thinking glass. | ||
| Wasn't Samuel Jackson? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Unbreakable is the guy who survived the train. | ||
| I bet somebody gave him that line. | ||
| Like, he was talking about it before the press got there, and somebody's like, it's like Unbreakable, and they just co-opted it. | ||
| Oh, and then Glass was like the sequel to that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Okay, that's what confused me. | ||
| Right, like, Bruce Willis is Unbreakable, and then Samuel Jackson broke all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is the dumbest idea for fucking Superman. | ||
| When people try to make superheroes, like, pretty close to normal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Almost normal. | ||
| Gave them real emotions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not into that. | ||
| That's why James Bond got weird. | ||
| He was too... | ||
| Survivable? | ||
| He fell in love. | ||
| Well, that too, but yeah, he got too emotional. | ||
| When did he fall in love? | ||
| Nate Craig or whatever. | ||
| Daniel Craig. | ||
| Daniel Craig. | ||
| He fell in love? | ||
| He falls in love constantly. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, this James Bond falls in love like a bitch. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| He's my favorite, James Bond. | ||
| What? | ||
| He's the most believable. | ||
| All his other ones look like bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Connery? | |
| Connery. | ||
| Connery in the beginning. | ||
| I can't imagine him winning a fight, though, as he got older with the toupee on. | ||
| He is older. | ||
| Jamie, pull up when Connery got into a bar fight in Scotland in, like, the 30s. | ||
| Poor Connery's saying he should slap women. | ||
| He was like a real... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They won't let it go. | |
| And they need a slap. | ||
| You gotta raise it a little bit more. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| You've shuttled it. | ||
| This is a... | ||
| Wait, this is a movie. | ||
| This is a movie. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| Hold on, J-Mo, I'm talking about a real fisticuffs in a bar. | ||
| Is that on camera somewhere? | ||
| I don't know about that, but there's a clipping. | ||
| There's an article about it? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Well, a lot of those old Irish and Scottish actors, those guys were getting fights all the time. | ||
| VB and Stabings. | ||
| Well, he said he was in his 20s when this happened, so there's no video of it. | ||
| Alright, alright. | ||
| It says he beat up four guys in A Wild Night Out. | ||
| One of those guys is Sean Connery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking Scottish people with their tall tails. | |
| Then he beat up the Loch Ness. | ||
| Yeah, what do these guys look like? | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| It's back in the day. | ||
| It's a weird character. | ||
| It's a character you can't really keep going over and over and over and over again, the James Bond character. | ||
| Now they're going to do it with a new person. | ||
| They're going to do it with a chick. | ||
| For sure they're going to do it with a chick. | ||
| Chick over black guy? | ||
| Or black. | ||
| Trans chick. | ||
| In the newest one there was. | ||
| In the newest James Bond. | ||
| There was a little hint at it. | ||
| Hey, don't say anything. | ||
| I haven't seen it yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You go to the movies? | ||
| They had their chance. | ||
| I do like going to the movies. | ||
| You actually go to the movies still? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I thought it was over. | ||
| I've seen three movies this month. | ||
| I thought nobody did it anymore. | ||
| No, it's amazing. | ||
| Movie pass? | ||
| No, I just love going to the movies. | ||
| I like going to the movies, too. | ||
| I like sitting in the dark in the cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, it's good on the road. | ||
| When you're on the road. | ||
| A movie on a Saturday. | ||
| It's something to do. | ||
| I saw The Last Duel. | ||
| The who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Check that out. | |
| The Last Duel. | ||
| I don't know it. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's a new Ridley Scott movie. | ||
| Oh, Ridley Scott. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm all in. | |
| Yeah, he's the best. | ||
| Nobody wants one. | ||
| It's about Adam Driver gets accused of rape. | ||
| And back in France, they used to just be like, all right, if you... | ||
| The way they would do trial is trial by combat. | ||
| So Matt Damon does trial by combat with Adam Driver to see if he's guilty of rape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| What year is this? | ||
| 13? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's what they would do? | ||
| It was the last time they did it. | ||
| So if you were really good at combat, you'd just rape crazy and just always say you didn't do it, then fuck everybody up. | ||
| Yeah, and then that means... | ||
| It's like Ball Don't Lie. | ||
| Oh, and look how they're doing. | ||
| They're wearing all this armor. | ||
| When is this from? | ||
| Ben Affleck. | ||
| When is this supposed to be set? | ||
| 1300s. | ||
| That's Ben Affleck with the hair? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| With the mullet, dude. | ||
| Look at his cheekbones. | ||
| And so he was raped. | ||
| Ben Affleck got raped. | ||
| The horse got raped. | ||
| Oh, oh, oh. | ||
| Look, he's got... | ||
| The horse has armor and everything. | ||
| So this is a good movie? | ||
| Yeah, I liked it a lot. | ||
| It looks like a big production. | ||
| We gotta get... | ||
| That's what you gotta get for a movie now. | ||
| You gotta make it an experience. | ||
| And they're doing it. | ||
| Movies are coming back, man. | ||
| They're coming back. | ||
| Paul Thomas Anderson's got a new one. | ||
| Wes Anderson's got a new one. | ||
| I think the superheroes are done. | ||
| Fast 9 was fun as shit. | ||
| Superheroes are done. | ||
| No, they've got a new Blade coming out. | ||
| With Wesley? | ||
| No, Wesley's out. | ||
| They've got a new guy. | ||
| He didn't pay those taxes. | ||
| There's a new Matrix. | ||
| What? | ||
| New Matrix, yeah. | ||
| Keanu? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 20 years later? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This is a new era. | ||
| I'll watch that. | ||
| I'll watch that for sure. | ||
| I'll watch that. | ||
| Every movie's the same movie. | ||
| I've been going to movies. | ||
| Every trailer is like, hey, new Ghostbusters. | ||
| New Matrix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They repeat. | |
| West Side Story. | ||
| Can I see the Mark Zuckerberg meta demonstration? | ||
| No. | ||
| You watch that and you go, hey, motherfucker, what are you trying to do? | ||
| Are you trying to make the Matrix for real? | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| He is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It seems like he's being sneaky about it. | ||
| It's already going to happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's Facebook's version of it. | ||
| He just wants it to be under his banner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not all of it. | |
| It's crazy that they're changing the name of Facebook to Meta, and they're going to call it the Metaverse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought that was also so, like, you can sue me, but our parent company's over there now. | ||
| So you can sue me. | ||
| We only have $100 in our holding. | ||
| So Meta's got all the money. | ||
| So you're suing Facebook for fucking evil shit of, like, turning brother against brother, but Facebook only has $100 in assets, so Meta's got all the assets. | ||
| You can't sue them. | ||
| That's what it felt like to me. | ||
| Man, you do a real Jewish way of thinking. | ||
| It's lawyer style. | ||
| Helps us survive in times when we have no antibodies. | ||
| What choice do we have? | ||
| The whole algorithm thing, it's very strange because, you know, I bring you up all the time, Ari, that you did that thing where you went and looked for puppies on YouTube and that all YouTube would show you is puppies. | ||
| Here's what no one understands about that. | ||
| It's not just that it would do that, it's that it affects your mood for the better. | ||
| You get to be the person who watches puppies all day, and you're just a happier person during that time than watching videos about how everyone's upset at each other and you also get upset. | ||
| But do puppies keep you happy? | ||
| I feel like you see a puppy randomly, it's nice, but if you see a puppy every day, you're immune to the happiness. | ||
| It's all fun. | ||
| Great times. | ||
| Nah, not really. | ||
| You obviously don't have a puppy. | ||
| No. | ||
| I got a cat. | ||
| Yeah, see, cats are fine, but puppies are way better. | ||
| When you come home, oh, you used to have a bit about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jamie, play that bit in its entirety seven minutes. | ||
| Jamie, play the Fauci puppy videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Wait, what is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dark is that? | |
| He's like cutting Beagle's throats out. | ||
| Oh, come on! | ||
| You don't know that? | ||
| I never heard of this. | ||
| You made that up. | ||
| I don't want to see that. | ||
| No, no, no, listen, there is videos of it, but what you need to know is what they were doing was worse than what he's saying. | ||
| They cut their throats so that they couldn't bark. | ||
| So they did experiments on these beagle puppies and they put their heads in cages and filled the cages with sand flies where the sand flies were literally eating the beagles alive. | ||
| This was all sponsored by the NIH. Like, the NIH spent money on this. | ||
| You can just train them and not bark. | ||
| You got Justice Silver in there. | ||
| The idea is to see what happens when the sand flies eat them alive. | ||
| They just didn't want to hear them barking and complaining. | ||
| The pictures of the beagle puppies with their heads locked into these cages is fucking so disturbing that it's like some serial killer shit. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| You can't believe that government- Why don't you get beagles? | ||
| They scream them out. | ||
| Well, they're cute. | ||
| That's why you do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why they cut the throat out. | |
| I wonder why they did do beagles. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Quiet dog. | ||
| Why didn't they do like a shitty dog? | ||
| I think they used beagles. | ||
| Get chihuahuas where everybody would be rooting for it. | ||
| I think beagles and chihuahuas. | ||
| And they yap. | ||
| They yap. | ||
| Not all of them. | ||
| They yap and they attack. | ||
| My ex had a chihuahua. | ||
| Didn't like you. | ||
| Maybe it was you. | ||
| I hated me. | ||
| I wonder why. | ||
| Although, you know what's weird? | ||
| When I went to bed, it would sleep in my butthole for the warmth. | ||
| Inside? | ||
| Well, not inside. | ||
| What am I, Richard Gere? | ||
| But right there? | ||
| But yeah, it would just get right up to the warmth. | ||
| That Richard Gere one is the greatest rumor of all time, because it's pre-internet. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| Do you know where that came from? | ||
| Here's the rumor. | ||
| I don't know if it's true. | ||
| The rumor was that he left Scientology. | ||
| Is that what you heard? | ||
| That's what I believe, because Scientology makes you tell all the secrets, and then they're like, don't worry, we're clear of these. | ||
| And then when he did that Buddhist movie, became Buddhist, they're like, no, no, you can't do that. | ||
| He's like, I am. | ||
| They're like, then we're going to release the info. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| What I had heard was that it was just to make him look like shit because he left Scientology. | ||
| I didn't hear that it was actually a real thing that he stuck a gerbil up his ass. | ||
| Is that what you heard? | ||
| Gerbil. | ||
| We all heard the real thing. | ||
| She also did Gerbils? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Like a fifth grader level of a rumor. | ||
| It's crazy, but it stuck. | ||
| And it hurt his acting career, too. | ||
| Yeah, it did. | ||
| I mean, he was huge. | ||
| He was a leading man. | ||
| Pretty woman, officer in a gentleman. | ||
| He was a hunk, dude. | ||
| He was the number one guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was a good movie. | |
| I liked it. | ||
| But that wasn't where he's at his height. | ||
| You're the one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Wait, Mothman Prophecies isn't good? | ||
| No! | ||
| What are you kidding? | ||
| He's been in some amazing movies. | ||
| I mean, Richard Gere's been in some fucking amazing movies. | ||
| I got nowhere else to go! | ||
| I got nowhere else to go! | ||
| How bad would Richard Gere feel if you're like, I loved his acting, and you brought up Mothman Prophecies as number one? | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| He would hate you. | ||
| Hey, he did it. | ||
| He did do it. | ||
| It's like if you love Robert Deere and you love that movie with Michelle Pfeiffer where he dressed like a wizard. | ||
| You ever see that one? | ||
| No. | ||
| In the height of his wife spending money, apparently, he was just doing whatever fucking movie he could. | ||
| And that's what he said, apparently. | ||
| Yeah, I think he was open about it. | ||
| Yeah, he was pretty open about it. | ||
| And he did this fucking terrible movie with Michelle Pfeiffer. | ||
| It was supposed to be one of the worst movies ever made. | ||
| And he plays a wizard. | ||
| Yeah, there was a sad stretch there. | ||
| Of course, Scorsese came back and got it. | ||
| He really just let it go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, when you got a monthly nut, like a million bucks a month. | ||
| Anybody want a cigar? | ||
| That's what happened to Nick Cage, too. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll do it. | |
| I'll smoke your cigars. | ||
| I'll do it for the bit. | ||
| Gambling debts got Cage. | ||
| That's why I did Ghost Rider 6. Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This was, you were supposed to send me a box of these. | ||
| I got a box for you. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Ooh, these smell terrible. | ||
| These are good. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| Comedian. | ||
| What are you, a fucking comedian? | ||
| So you guys are, uh, what's the gig you guys are all doing together? | ||
| That's a fucking hell of a gig. | ||
| When is this coming out? | ||
| Is this coming out right away? | ||
| It's coming out tomorrow. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| A gig tomorrow? | ||
| Yeah, a gig tomorrow. | ||
| Norma's a secret guest. | ||
| Oh, whoops. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we kind of thought we were going to get a lot more. | |
| Like when you and me planned this show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We were like, we'll get Rogan, we'll get Louie, we'll get all the guys. | ||
| So there's Skank Fest. | ||
| And you got this douche. | ||
| It's just like, ah, it's me and Norma. | ||
| There's Skank Fest and we decided to do a spite show right ahead of it. | ||
| Where is that? | ||
| Can you hand me that can of propane or whatever the fuck it is? | ||
| So we call the secret group and we're like, hey, we want to do a show just us the day before. | ||
| And he goes, let me make sure it's okay with Lewis. | ||
| Oh, you wanted a tank. | ||
| Yeah, you know Stanhope used to do that just for laughs. | ||
| Just for spite. | ||
| Exactly that. | ||
| And that was another one we thought we'd get. | ||
| He had a legitimate financial grievance with them. | ||
| We have no grievance with Lewis. | ||
| It's just fun. | ||
| Just fuck with him. | ||
| You better do it now before he gets brain damage. | ||
| Lewis? | ||
| Nah, he's gonna win that fight, dude. | ||
| You're out of your mind. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I think he's gonna win. | ||
| He's way younger. | ||
| He's bigger. | ||
| He hasn't been punched nearly as much as fucking Ellis. | ||
| You guys have a very strange way of looking at fighting. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Agreed. | |
| Same. | ||
| Ability and experience don't matter? | ||
| It does, but to what degree? | ||
| To what point? | ||
| Almost everything. | ||
| So a young 22-year-old boxer couldn't beat a right-now Muhammad Ali? | ||
| Muhammad Ali's dead. | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why?! | |
| COVID got him. | ||
| Did you know that Logan Paul's going to fight Mike Tyson? | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Do they have a no-knockout rule again? | ||
| No, that was just for Roy Jones Jr. Please let this be the one. | ||
| It should be Logan and the brother fight him together. | ||
| That would be a fun fight. | ||
| Mike versus the Paul brothers. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Well, he's got to do one at a time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's 54. Thank you. | |
| But it's a real fight. | ||
| Let me do it for you. | ||
| What am I doing here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Figure it out. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| No way he'll figure it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Useless. | |
| There you go. | ||
| No, you gotta cut the edge first. | ||
| Did you cut the edge? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Did you cut the edge? | ||
| Give me that. | ||
| Sure, you gotta help him out. | ||
| You don't know what you're doing? | ||
| I've never used this device. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You look like a fucking idiot, dude. | |
| I remember that, dude. | ||
| When Norman was trying to fucking cut a thing and he couldn't do it. | ||
| That was fucking hilarious. | ||
| On the experience, dude, you look like a fucking idiot. | ||
| Get him, get him. | ||
| This is a podcast known for cigar smoking, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get him. | |
| I would be choking on this thing in 20 seconds. | ||
| Good labia there. | ||
| What's Bobby Kelly doing? | ||
| Speaking of cigars. | ||
| Still fat. | ||
| Still fat. | ||
| He's doing great. | ||
| Here, you go. | ||
| There's another one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You go, dude. | |
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| Oh, he's the best. | ||
| Bobby? | ||
| Bobby's a great egg. | ||
| He's coming to Skankfest. | ||
| Oh, is he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, this one's good, too. | ||
| I gotta cut it. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Yeah, there's a cutter in the back of that one as well. | ||
| That's a cool little device you got there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It really is. | |
| It's nice, right? | ||
| It's nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it really is. | |
| So everybody's going to Skank Fest South? | ||
| And that's in Houston? | ||
| Is that where it is? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's the best, dude. | ||
| It's this fucking... | ||
| Have you ever done one? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| I did one of their shows in Hollywood, though, when they did the comedy store. | ||
| I did one of their shows. | ||
| The live Legion of Skanks. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't Skank Fest, but it was a Legion of Skanks show. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| Fun crowds, you know? | ||
| Crowds that just come to have a good time. | ||
| And it's just, that kind of comedy is hard to come by these days. | ||
| It's like, everybody's so goddamn fucking serious. | ||
| I think it's coming back. | ||
| It's coming back. | ||
| Well, there's definitely some of it coming back. | ||
| Because people are tired. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're tired of being lectured on, you know, when people are doing comedy and they're lecturing you at the same time, you're like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, they're lecturing you and they're saying, everything sucks but me. | ||
| That's a big theme of comedy now. | ||
| It kind of is, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everything sucks, the world sucks, but I'm great. | ||
| Now it should be you suck too. | ||
| That's comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Self-deprecation. | ||
| Well, Shane says it the best. | ||
| He's like, you get all these comics, four comics in a row going, injustice is terrible. | ||
| And then you just get up there and go, injustice rules. | ||
| Yeah, you get to go on and be like, you know what I like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Injustice. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, tell me why racism... | ||
| Everyone's like, finally! | ||
| It's weird seeing someone so obviously virtue signaling on stage and then to see it work. | ||
| Because comedy is... | ||
| It's either absurd, ridiculous, over-the-top silly, or it's... | ||
| Honest. | ||
| So when you see that, it's neither of those things. | ||
| It's not absurd. | ||
| It's not honest. | ||
| It's just this weird thing that you're doing, like you're saying things that people are compelled to clap at. | ||
| Is it give it up for the troops? | ||
| Just the now version of it? | ||
| Yes, it's a version of give it up for the troops. | ||
| Who here's smoking weed? | ||
| How about the troops? | ||
| How about a round of applause for the ladies? | ||
| Y'all, some fine-looking ladies up in here. | ||
| Yeah, every group has it. | ||
| But then you flip it on with the troops and say Al-Qaeda. | ||
| Just to throw them a wrench. | ||
| You gotta throw wrenches in. | ||
| The day after we lost Afghanistan, Tim Dillon was on stage at Vulcan in Austin, giving it up for the Taliban. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| And talking about how amazing it is that they put in all that work after all these years. | ||
| They lasted. | ||
| Yeah, 20 years of hard work. | ||
| It was impressive. | ||
| That's comedy. | ||
| Yeah, it was comedy. | ||
| To outlast the American Armed Forces. | ||
| Pretty good. | ||
| Solid. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| Cynically, I think it's almost like it's planned. | ||
| And they got all our equipment. | ||
| What? | ||
| So it's a win-win. | ||
| I think they got done selling weapons and pulled it up. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe they wait a while and then it gets really bad over there and there's some real reason to go back in a larger force. | ||
| Or they let China come in and then they're like, hey, here's an excuse to fight China. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| One thing that was real open to me, and I'm not political, but like... | ||
| And Trump early on was like, we're pulling out of Afghanistan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You loved Trump. | |
| I do love Trump. | ||
| Rub him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did I say rub? | |
| Yeah, everyone got upset. | ||
| Is this Asian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Jamie, edit that in with like a loop over and over again. | ||
| You love China. | ||
| Did I say it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do it. | |
| You lost SNL. You said it, right? | ||
| There goes MADtv. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| There goes MADtv. | ||
| You're never going to be on. | ||
| You're never going to be on, Joe. | ||
| Dude, I was at MADtv and Michael Chase gave me a tour. | ||
| Quit bragging. | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| And I'm like, is that the back thing going to come out of it? | ||
| He goes, well, just so you know, there's superstition that if you come out before you're actually on, you'll never host SNL. And I was like, well, then I'm just going to do it now. | ||
| Hey, was that an option? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It's hilarious that anybody would want to do that anymore. | ||
| It seems like so much work. | ||
| Well, Bill Burr seemed to like it. | ||
| Yeah, Burr liked it. | ||
| Well, his monologue was amazing. | ||
| His monologue was great. | ||
| But Burr's one of those guys that, like, he wants to do, like, iconic venues just to say, you know, he's got, like, a nostalgia to him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he did that theater in England because he saw Zeppelin there or whatever the hell. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, Burr loves that kind of shit. | ||
| Yeah, he says he goes to stadiums when he's on the road alone just to see it. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
| No, he's a big nerd. | ||
| He's an interesting guy. | ||
| He's a sports nerd. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's a giant sports nerd. | ||
| Sometimes I listen to his podcast, he'll just rant and rave about certain plays and games and they just lose his mind. | ||
| I don't even know the rules. | ||
| I'm a professional sports broadcaster. | ||
| I don't know the rules to most sports. | ||
| I can't believe you don't like football that much. | ||
| Well, believe it. | ||
| It's not Santa Claus, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should. | |
| You should. | ||
| It's too many players. | ||
| I like USC because it's one guy. | ||
| You get to know one guy. | ||
| You feel like you're rooting for a dude. | ||
| Or a lady. | ||
| But football is just like a uniform. | ||
| To me, it's like getting jerked off through a glory hole with a condom on after you've had actual sex. | ||
| Yeah, compared to fighting. | ||
| It's boring. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's like it's missing something. | ||
| What was that place called in San Francisco? | ||
| Bangkok Spa. | ||
| Jerk off with a dish glove on. | ||
| Oh, there was that place. | ||
| What is that called? | ||
| Something Brothers, right? | ||
| Yeah, the Farrelly Brothers. | ||
| You know, there's a famous sign from that place that Hunter S. Thompson stole that is available. | ||
| I've got to contact this guy. | ||
| We went there once, like 20 years ago, and there was these people on stage doing a sex act Like, these girls were like, they were like dildoing each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And we were like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| There's different rooms. | ||
| There's a room you go to watch dirty movies and jerk off. | ||
| This is San Fran? | ||
| San Fran. | ||
| Wow, that city's changed. | ||
| And we had our friend. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Fairly, O'Farrell Theater. | ||
| Fairly Brothers. | ||
| Fairly Brothers. | ||
| That's what I said, wasn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Closes. | |
| Oh, it's closed. | ||
| I did say Fairly Brothers. | ||
| Well, COVID got them. | ||
| You can't watch sex acts when everybody's coughing. | ||
| I always wanted to whack off in a theater. | ||
| It'd be nice, right? | ||
| Fred Willard. | ||
| Do you think if Pee Wee Herman got busted doing that today, it'd probably be nothing? | ||
| Hero. | ||
| He'd be a hero. | ||
| Hero, right? | ||
| Why hero? | ||
| Because he's a gay guy in a theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Gay culture. | ||
| Isn't it amazing how much the world shifted in just a decade or two? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy shift. | |
| Crazy. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| You don't like it? | ||
| I'll be honest, I don't like it much. | ||
| All this progress, meh. | ||
| Is it progress? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not all progress. | |
| There is progress. | ||
| Ellen got yelled at for being gay and couldn't bring Anne Heche to a movie premiere. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And now... | ||
| She got yelled at for being mean. | ||
| Got yelled at for being mean. | ||
| Which is also... | ||
| Progress. | ||
| Yeah, well, I think she got yelled at for not being what she really pretends to be on the show. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| That's a freak. | ||
| It's just a little different. | ||
| They wanted to think she was this real happy, friendly person who's always light-hearted and dances and stuff. | ||
| To find out that she's mean would just freak people out. | ||
| They're like, what is going on? | ||
| Cosby, same shit. | ||
| America's dead. | ||
| But way worse, right? | ||
| A little. | ||
| Now, being mean and what Cosby did are... | ||
| The same? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| It goes against his personality. | ||
| I rape and it's fine. | ||
| People expect it. | ||
| How many years do you think we are away from people reading minds with some kind of technology? | ||
| Oh god, you don't want that. | ||
| You don't want it, but I feel like it's coming. | ||
| This whole metaverse thing. | ||
| Yeah, it's gonna be embarrassing when you find out how fucking dumb I am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's thinking about Notre Dame. | |
| Let's change minds. | ||
| Who do we got this week? | ||
| Virginia? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like go deeper. | |
| I'm getting into it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| You like it? | ||
| Got that money to give away now. | ||
| Oh, it's a dangerous fucking thing. | ||
| How much of your weekly wages are you blowing? | ||
| Well, I use FanDuel, so I can only bet in Pennsylvania. | ||
| So I can only bet when I'm home, which is nice. | ||
| You can't bet. | ||
| Yeah, I have to do it over the fan. | ||
| Back when I'm home. | ||
| I can't do it in New York. | ||
| I've never won, I bet, so I don't gamble. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's fun when you win, dude. | ||
| I've never won! | ||
| What about when we went to Vegas? | ||
| We've been on the whole basketball tournament. | ||
| I lost all of it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I had to change rooms. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah, I had to go down to Circus Circus. | ||
| You had a cheaper room? | ||
| Yeah, I can't bet. | ||
| How much did you lose? | ||
| You know, a couple hundo, but at the time... | ||
| Norman's cheap. | ||
| That hurts him more than thousands would hurt you. | ||
| Wow, I mean... | ||
| Yeah, you guys were already fucking tossing money for Ubers. | ||
| Is that how we're doing this? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Oh, he bought an Uber, so I wanted to give him the money. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, no, I said it was fine. | ||
| Oh, Ari's taking care of things? | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| No, we have a show that's paying for everything. | ||
| Oh, Ari's the promoter. | ||
| He's the alpha. | ||
| He's the promoter of the show. | ||
| He's taking care of the Uber. | ||
| Me and Shane, the inaugural show with the president and vice president of the Legion of Skanks. | ||
| Who's the drop-in? | ||
| Hey, what is this shirt you got on? | ||
| Explain what's going on. | ||
| You got Save East River Park. | ||
| What is happening? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's this fucking great park in New York. | ||
| They're tearing it up. | ||
| Ari's an activist now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| What are they doing there? | ||
| They said they need fucking barriers for the next Sandy thing, but... | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| Let the park go. | ||
| Yeah, but you also wrote that they might put condos up? | ||
| They're good! | ||
| So they put in the laws, like, in the subtext, like, hey, if we run out of money for this project, we should be allowed to put in high-rises or maybe a prison to pay for it. | ||
| A prison? | ||
| Which means that's what they're going to do. | ||
| You don't want a prison there? | ||
| This is past Avenue D. This is all poor people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blacks. | |
| Latinos. | ||
| It would help the neighborhood. | ||
| That area is crazy. | ||
| It's great out there. | ||
| It's softball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Avenue D? No, no. | |
| The park. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| But you gotta go through Avenue D. It's like an obstacle course of heroin needles and Puerto Ricans. | ||
| Avenue D is not the best. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's D for dead. | ||
| It's A is alright. | ||
| B is be careful. | ||
| C is... | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| They just rebuilt it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cut me. | |
| Now they're like... | ||
| The park was open two days after Sandy. | ||
| The park is fine. | ||
| And they're just like, land grab. | ||
| So is it all done? | ||
| Is it said and done? | ||
| They're about to start demolishing that big amphitheater out there. | ||
| They're tearing that down. | ||
| What? | ||
| Cutting down a thousand trees. | ||
| I thought that the parks were protected in New York City. | ||
| I thought that was like a vital part of the city. | ||
| Yeah, fucking de Blasio's like, let's sell out the fucking rights to it to make money. | ||
| Bro, what is that guy all about? | ||
| He wants to be governor now, too. | ||
| It's so creepy. | ||
| What's his real name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You ever see his real name? | |
| Yeah, it's not Bill de Blasio. | ||
| No, it's like Warren or something like that. | ||
| He's got a real weird name. | ||
| He pulled a Theismann? | ||
| Yeah, it's a total fake name. | ||
| He does not have an Italian last name. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Warren Wilheim Jr. What? | ||
| Sounds like a rich white guy. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| Junior? | ||
| I heard his wife's not really black. | ||
| Why did he change his name? | ||
| Does the name have a significance to it? | ||
| It sounds Italian. | ||
| It's like Garcetti in, what's his name? | ||
| L.A. Oh! | ||
| J-Mo! | ||
| He worked for the fucking Central Intelligence. | ||
| His dad was a CIA spook? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, his uncle. | ||
| His paternal uncle worked for the Central Intelligence Agency, and he said, hey, you should change your name to an Italian guy. | ||
| Damn, that's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, I know that guy in LA. Villaraigosa. | ||
| Villaraigosa. | ||
| He changed his name. | ||
| His name is Villar. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| His wife's name and his name, he combined, though, which almost works. | ||
| Like, he married a lady, and she had something, a Gosa. | ||
| She was gross. | ||
| Was she? | ||
| Yeah, so they call it Vio Grossa. | ||
| No! | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| I'm pretty sure, Joe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do the research. | ||
| The documents are there. | ||
| Wait, there's a gross lady? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, his wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| What? | ||
| Why was she gross? | ||
| Her attitude, mostly. | ||
| Her attitude, mostly. | ||
| So you're trying to save this park? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, different lady, different show. | ||
| We're talking about L.A. Who's the mayor of L.A.? Oh. | ||
| Tony Villarigosa. | ||
| They never got big into mayors. | ||
| Yeah, well, I didn't give a fuck about them until the pandemic when I realized they could actually do things. | ||
| Yeah, never thought about it. | ||
| They could shut down restaurants and shit. | ||
| I was like, oh my god. | ||
| I feel bad for these mayors because they went into it and were like, we're going to change the school system, maybe pave some roads, and then handle a fucking international pandemic. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| That's what they've been jerking off over. | ||
| They're like, I wish I had all this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is my city. | |
| They love power. | ||
| Shut down that Burger King. | ||
| This is my city. | ||
| Have you seen that lady who's running New Zealand? | ||
| If she even gets asked questions at press conferences and people yell out questions, she goes, we're going to shut this down. | ||
| We're going to shut this down if you keep yelling out. | ||
| And then she just leaves. | ||
| She's like a lady Trump. | ||
| She goes, accredited, accredited press only. | ||
| And so she took the fucking press conference indoors because they were yelling out about the vaccine program that they have in Israel, how it's not working, and about the vaccinated people account for a vast percentage of the people that are testing positive and even deaths. | ||
| And so this guy's yelling that out. | ||
| But what about this? | ||
| You're yelling out about this vaccine program. | ||
| You want everybody to be vaccinated. | ||
| Tell us what you know about how it's failing in Israel. | ||
| And she goes, we're going to shut this down with a big smile on her face. | ||
| They have ultimate power now. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| They have the power to shut down businesses, keep people in their homes. | ||
| It's not as simple as just protecting people. | ||
| It's also they have power. | ||
| So when they have power, they fucking like it, man. | ||
| That's the reason why they run. | ||
| Those are the kind of people that run for governor and mayor in the first place. | ||
| They enjoy telling people what to do. | ||
| They're dorks. | ||
| They like being the king. | ||
| They want to be bullies. | ||
| I like being the queen. | ||
| Remember when not knowing anything about politics was normal? | ||
| Totally normal. | ||
| Now it's like, the Mueller report! | ||
| I have friends who are like, Scaramucci! | ||
| I'm like, I don't know any of this shit! | ||
| And neither did you ten minutes ago. | ||
| Ten minutes ago, yeah. | ||
| You read a headline, now you act like you know and care. | ||
| Jen Psaki! | ||
| I'm like, who are these names? | ||
| Jen Sacky's cute. | ||
| Is she? | ||
| I'd like to give her a kiss on the lips. | ||
| She's got the vid right now. | ||
| She got COVID. You like redheads? | ||
| Yeah, nice. | ||
| Ginger. | ||
| You like that, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like a good idea. | |
| Jen Sacky, if you listen to Joe Rogan. | ||
| Do you know, I bet she does. | ||
| I bet she listens secretly in the car on the way to work. | ||
| Do you know, I never said anything mean about her. | ||
| Do you know, um, Redheads? | ||
| Is she red team or blue team? | ||
| Uh, blue team. | ||
| She's Biden's. | ||
| She's Biden's press secretary. | ||
| That's a wild-ass job. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| She runs in your mind, dude. | ||
| Now we know what Shane likes. | ||
| He likes him angry. | ||
| No, but she fucks. | ||
| She likes it in the pooper. | ||
| Hey, don't say that. | ||
| She screams like, you never stop fucking me! | ||
| I bet her bedroom's got an American flag in it. | ||
| She hates America, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a Soviet. | |
| Really? | ||
| She's a straight Soviet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know anyone. | |
| Who was the blonde one that Trump hired towards the end? | ||
| The hot one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| McKelleny. | ||
| Oh, McKelleny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm a fan. | ||
| She looks like the Big Bang Theory. | ||
| She has some good lines sometimes. | ||
| She was on the ball. | ||
| She was very good at that job, and that was a hard job. | ||
| There she is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| What a babe, dude. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I've seen her on Bumble. | ||
| Click that one where your cursor's on. | ||
| I just love that video where she goes, I'm glad you brought that up, and then just bashes that guy. | ||
| Bashes him with facts. | ||
| But she's got, let me talk to your manager face. | ||
| Big time. | ||
| No, she's got, I am your new manager, and this is why you have to listen. | ||
| The thing about redheads, I read this thing where it said that redheads have something about pain, that they have a higher tolerance for pain, that they think it might actually be a genetic thing. | ||
| Irish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See if we can find that. | ||
| There was something about redheads and pain. | ||
| Yeah, study finds link between red hair and pain threshold. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| A thousand years of British rule. | ||
| Beat you like a redheaded stepchild. | ||
| Find out. | ||
| Let's find Louie and start punching him. | ||
| Oh, he can take it. | ||
| I bet he can. | ||
| So it says people with red hair have a variant. | ||
| A normal man would have killed himself a long time ago. | ||
| I'm saying he's got pain threshold. | ||
| I heard his new special is fucking amazing. | ||
| I heard the same. | ||
| I heard it's amazing and that fucking sign behind him that just says sorry, you were there for it? | ||
| I was just with him. | ||
| I was on the road with him. | ||
| Did you just get him to do an Instagram? | ||
| I did get him to do an Instagram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that you? | |
| I knew that one of you. | ||
| I was like, you gotta get back in. | ||
| And then I think he already deleted it. | ||
| As soon as I left the tour, he deleted it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a pussy. | |
| Well, you know, he had a hard time. | ||
| You know, he was the beloved guy. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he turned on him. | ||
| I heard his new set is amazing. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| Alright, I'll tell you a cool story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to be mad. | |
| I don't want to disrespect the king. | ||
| Don't get the guy in more trouble. | ||
| No, it's just a funny thing. | ||
| I got to the hotel and he was like, what are you doing? | ||
| I was like, I forgot my sunglasses. | ||
| I'm going to go buy a pair of sunglasses. | ||
| He was like, alright, I want you to come to my hotel room before you leave. | ||
| And I was like, uh-oh! | ||
| And then of course, he knew. | ||
| He was fucking with me. | ||
| When the doors were closing, he was like, I'm not going to jerk off. | ||
| I probably shouldn't have said that on here. | ||
| That's all right. | ||
| He's the king. | ||
| And what he wanted to show me was some of that that he filmed. | ||
| And then I saw The Hour, and it's like... | ||
| I heard my friend went. | ||
| I cannot wait for everyone to see it. | ||
| What did he film? | ||
| He already filmed it? | ||
| Yeah, he filmed it at the garden. | ||
| The Hulu, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When is it coming out? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| That's a little awkward, though, that he showed you that. | ||
| I should have said that story. | ||
| I know, I get it, yeah. | ||
| He and I talked about doing the podcast twice. | ||
| Delete that story. | ||
| Delete the story. | ||
| No, we're keeping that story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love him. | |
| Delete the story. | ||
| He's my favorite guy in the world. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| What's wrong with that story? | ||
| That wasn't bad. | ||
| You didn't say anything bad about him. | ||
| I got a bad Louis story. | ||
| So I used to open for him before he was in trouble. | ||
| And, you know, he was like the king of comedy for a while. | ||
| He was the funniest guy ever, you know, whatever. | ||
| So I used to open for him, and it was the highlight of my life. | ||
| And then we were hanging out in his hotel room watching a movie, and we were talking, and I was sitting on his bed, and he was sitting at the chair in the hotel room. | ||
| And I go, hey, Louis! | ||
| And I farted. | ||
| On his bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he flipped! | |
| He flipped! | ||
| I was like, you're like the filthy comedy guy. | ||
| I thought you would love a fart. | ||
| And he was like, dude, what are you doing? | ||
| I was crushed. | ||
| But did he get actually angry or just like that dude, what are you doing? | ||
| It was worse because he was like, I'm disappointed in you. | ||
| I thought we were building a relationship and you farted in my hotel room. | ||
| I could see that 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought he'd love it. | |
| He strikes me as a guy that would, yeah. | ||
| I could see him going both ways. | ||
| I could see him going like, that was hilarious. | ||
| Or like, hey dude, what the fuck? | ||
| You caught him on a bad day. | ||
| And it was a great fart too. | ||
| I really thought he would be like, oh shit. | ||
| Let me tell you a funny story about that. | ||
| One time I was at an offensive lineman camp. | ||
| So, it's just fat guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and this dude are paired up together. | ||
| We're in a dorm room and I farted. | ||
| And he was like, fuck that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| The guy tried to fight me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, fart 300 pounds, dude. | |
| This is a fart camp. | ||
| This is all we're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a fart camp! | |
| We're pushing each other and farting. | ||
| Why'd he get mad at you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got furious. | |
| And then I had an offensive line coach in college. | ||
| I farted during a team meeting and he stopped the film and was like, we don't do that in here. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And I was like, we all do that in here. | ||
| That's the only thing we're doing. | ||
| It's not the N-word. | ||
| How do I have fucking protein just synthesizing in your gut? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All 300-pound men just sitting there just destroying farts. | |
| Just fucking creatine is protein. | ||
| I was bad, that's why. | ||
| I was a nasty one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I sucked. | |
| No, it didn't smell. | ||
| I just wasn't good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you were a starter, you'd be like, oh, good one. | |
| Taylor farts. | ||
| People give him not great. | ||
| Joe's got a reference. | ||
| Yeah, I know football guys. | ||
| I've seen a few football guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a big guy. | ||
| Everybody knew him. | ||
| He did crack. | ||
| Played linebacker. | ||
| Fucked people up. | ||
| There's another one. | ||
| Ray Lewis. | ||
| Marshall Walker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Killed a guy. | |
| Played linebacker. | ||
| I think he killed a guy. | ||
| Someone with him killed a guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly. | |
| He had a lady in the elevator. | ||
| No, that's Ray Rice. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| Ray Lewis. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Another Raven. | ||
| Diver Black Ray. | ||
| You know who's got a great bit about football players getting in trouble is Neil Brennan. | ||
| That's a great bit. | ||
| That's a great bit. | ||
| I don't want to say it, because I don't know if he did. | ||
| Did he put it on a special? | ||
| I think he did. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yeah, that's such a good bit. | ||
| About football players doing football, but outside of the game. | ||
| People get mad. | ||
| I'm fucking it up, but it's great. | ||
| Very solid bit. | ||
| Neil's a very good writer. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Very good writer. | ||
| He's clever. | ||
| He'll say some things sometimes, and I'll go, ooh, nice. | ||
| I like him. | ||
| I like how you put it together. | ||
| He's unlikable. | ||
| I like him a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell of a writer. | |
| I'm joking. | ||
| Some people don't like him, I like him a lot. | ||
| I like him too. | ||
| He's got a bad face, but I like him. | ||
| He's got a fine face. | ||
| More of a Kevin Brennan guy. | ||
| Oh, I like Kevin. | ||
| Kevin's like, I love Kevin, but man. | ||
| He's got to chill out. | ||
| You put yourself in a corner all the time. | ||
| I was like, do you ever get worried that you're going to run into people you talk shit about? | ||
| He goes, yeah, I can't even go to the cellar. | ||
| I've got to go right downstairs. | ||
| I like how he acts like it's an outside force. | ||
| He's like, I can't help it. | ||
| He's like, it's somebody else's fault. | ||
| I can't go there. | ||
| He's a psycho. | ||
| He's crossing enemy lines. | ||
| He's funny as shit. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| Every time he's like, hey, bring somebody's name up. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not going to say he's a hack? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah! | ||
| People have sent me videos of him shitting on me, and for some reason it doesn't hurt when it's Kevin. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Because you're like, ah, he's so sad. | ||
| I deserve it. | ||
| And he's not wrong. | ||
| He's so sad. | ||
| Does he have a special? | ||
| He has a long time ago his half hour. | ||
| He did the first Comedy Central Presents. | ||
| Yeah, and it killed. | ||
| You know who has no special? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Tony Woods. | ||
| He's got one. | ||
| He does? | ||
| He signed one with Netflix. | ||
| I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. | ||
| He's the most underrated comic in America. | ||
| One of the best ever. | ||
| Killer. | ||
| He's the hardest follow for me. | ||
| Oh, brutal follow. | ||
| Because he does what I do, but he does conversational, but he does it so much better than me. | ||
| He's so smooth. | ||
| Yeah, so smooth. | ||
| Sexy. | ||
| It bothers me that it took so long. | ||
| I mean, it took Chappelle becoming a monolith, like a monster, for people to realize that Chappelle was influenced by Tony Woods and then people hear about Tony Woods. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| He's so chill on stage and he's so funny. | ||
| Funny dude. | ||
| Oh, that's They Ready? | ||
| That's a little set he did with Tiffany Haddish. | ||
| They Ready? | ||
| I think he does a full hour soon. | ||
| Nice pants, though. | ||
| Well, that's good to hear, because it's gonna be great. | ||
| He's like 75, too. | ||
| It looks amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's finally ready. | |
| I don't think he's that old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's finally fucking ready. | |
| He's going by they now? | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Imagine there's a comic who gave into that. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There are. | |
| They them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, a real one? | |
| That's a couple. | ||
| Name one. | ||
| Oh, you guys are in New York City. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I keep forgetting. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Go to Broadway. | ||
| That's not in LA. Oh, you're not in LA. He's basically doing comedy in China. | ||
| There's like 12 clubs there. | ||
| It's a satellite club of China. | ||
| What, New York City? | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| It's like communism is slowly making its way into New York City. | ||
| And then it'll work its way west. | ||
| New York's the best. | ||
| That would have been New York's the best. | ||
| It's a great place. | ||
| I think it's the best. | ||
| It's pretty great. | ||
| It's just people going for it. | ||
| It's what? | ||
| It's the Cha-Coms. | ||
| What's the Cha-Coms? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| The Cha-Coms. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Chinese communists. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Chi-coms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chi-coms. | |
| I like what you're saying. | ||
| Brooklyn stuff. | ||
| I did a show for Marion. | ||
| I think Night Train or one of the other ones. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I got off stage and I was like, I forgot to tell you, they're going to hate you just looking at you. | ||
| They're going to hate you just looking at you? | ||
| Yeah, you look like all their landlords. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Tall white guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good juju. | |
| I'm sorry, it's been a rough year. | ||
| Just give me five days. | ||
| Yeah, that's Brooklyn. | ||
| Isn't that weird to hate somebody based on how they look? | ||
| Isn't that what we're trying to go against? | ||
| You're a bigot, Mark. | ||
| You're a bigot for even saying that. | ||
| You're a bigot for that now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so confusing. | ||
| It is, but it's still fun. | ||
| Hating men is not bigotry. | ||
| Let that simmer. | ||
| Can I get another light here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want out. | ||
| I can't smoke too much. | ||
| I get anxiety. | ||
| Yeah, I keep inhaling it. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| I keep inhaling it. | ||
| I've been smoking so many cigars since I moved to Texas. | ||
| This company, Foundation Cigars, shout out to them. | ||
| They're the ones who made the JRE Cigar Blend. | ||
| They've been sending me boxes of cigars. | ||
| So I'm like smoking a lot of cigars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I asked you months ago. | |
| I'm joking. | ||
| I have more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have more. | |
| I'll fill in the ones that are missing, the ones we smoked. | ||
| I have four in that. | ||
| I'll give you those. | ||
| You have a full box. | ||
| But I have an extra box. | ||
| I'll have them send you boxes. | ||
| I told Bali, he's like, I want to try one. | ||
| He goes, he's sending me one. | ||
| And then a month later, he's like, where is it? | ||
| I'm like, dude, he's got stuff going on. | ||
| I'm so busy. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| My wife tells me shit. | ||
| I forget it five minutes later. | ||
| I go, when did you tell me that? | ||
| She's like, five minutes ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think that's pretty normal. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a filter. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Because I remember shit from, like, the 20s. | ||
| I remember shit from, like, the old days. | ||
| Like, I remember facts and statistics that I should not have in my head at all because they don't do me any good. | ||
| But yet, things that people tell me, like, how many times has someone told you their name and it's just gone in a second? | ||
| Gone. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| How come that happens? | ||
| I guess they're not memorable. | ||
| It's not that, because sometimes you want to know their name. | ||
| Like, they're really nice. | ||
| You just don't set it in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I have, like, cousins. | ||
| You just call them, dude. | ||
| Here's the best thing to do when somebody realizes, like, oh, I've known this guy for a while. | ||
| I haven't known his name. | ||
| So I'll ask you, like, hey, what's that guy's name? | ||
| Just to know for sure. | ||
| It's like, it's been too long. | ||
| Hit him with the other intro. | ||
| Hit him with a different name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Just, who is that? | ||
| It's like, that's Sam. | ||
| Sam Gillis. | ||
| Like, sweet, thank you. | ||
| And then that guy will, out of his way, go, hey, Sam, I see you again, Sammy. | ||
| They'll just keep doing it. | ||
| It pays off. | ||
| You're not there all the time. | ||
| It's one of the best pranks. | ||
| You know what a good move is when you don't know someone's name? | ||
| You bring someone with you. | ||
| That's big. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| And they say, hey, you don't introduce them. | ||
| Oh, have you met Shane? | ||
| Yeah, you make it awkward. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| Yeah, and you hope the person says their name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'll say it back. | |
| And if they don't, you just gotta be like... | ||
| Then you just gotta run away. | ||
| I think there's a Curb episode about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a fucking hack. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Larry David sucks. | ||
| No, he's like my hero. | ||
| That is a nice one, though. | ||
| Have you ever seen him do stand-up? | ||
| No, but I met him once, and he was everything I hoped he would be. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, and he, I don't know if I should say it, but he went home with a pretty hot lady at this party. | ||
| Nice, you just sank his whole fucking life. | ||
| Well, I mean, he's a heterosexual single man. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's not married? | ||
| He got divorced. | ||
| When? | ||
| About a year and a half ago? | ||
| Two years ago? | ||
| Do you think he's slinging dick? | ||
| Does Larry David sling dick? | ||
| What are you kidding? | ||
| He's lucid. | ||
| Skinny, lanky. | ||
| 68? | ||
| You see this guy's dong? | ||
| Giant hog. | ||
| I've seen ours hog about a hundred times. | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| It's a dong. | ||
| Solid. | ||
| How many times have I seen your dick? | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| Uncountable. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Will Chamberlain numbers. | ||
| He's got a big dick. | ||
| I mean, mine's decent. | ||
| He's got a very big dick. | ||
| That's how he handled the antibody lines. | ||
| He's going to handle this. | ||
| I mean, I'm honest. | ||
| I've talked to people who've blown him. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Congratulations. | |
| Greg Fitzsimmons. | ||
| Greg is in San Francisco this weekend, ladies. | ||
| Go and see him. | ||
| Also a big piece on that Irish Mick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fitzy? | |
| It's a funny guy. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| He's another guy. | ||
| Very underrated. | ||
| Fitzy's underrated. | ||
| He's a fucking very underrated comic. | ||
| Always brings it. | ||
| Real pro. | ||
| Solid, solid comic. | ||
| Funny fucking dude hanging with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine that's your dad. | |
| Sorry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's somebody's dad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My dad wore a bad suit and had a briefcase. | ||
| He has jokes about that, too. | ||
| Like, his kids give him shit. | ||
| He's like, you don't fucking know me. | ||
| He also is good with, like, roasty stuff. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And so, like, if his daughter's like, you don't know anything, he's like, oh, is it on? | ||
| Oh, it's on? | ||
| It's just like, I would not start with that guy. | ||
| Greg and I started one week apart from each other. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We did the road together as open micers. | ||
| We would drive all the way to Rhode Island to do like fucking 10 minutes on an open mic for free. | ||
| I love those days. | ||
| Those were good times. | ||
| Yeah, we did so many gigs together. | ||
| My God. | ||
| Like in the late 80s. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We traveled everywhere together. | ||
| You didn't realize how fun that was at the time. | ||
| At the time, like, this sucks. | ||
| We're bombing every night. | ||
| We're getting no money. | ||
| I got a day job. | ||
| We kind of enjoyed that we were getting on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was that. | ||
| But we didn't think we were 21. We didn't think there was ever going to be a career. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I remember I went to this guy, DJ Hazard's apartment. | ||
| I know DJ Hazard. | ||
| You know DJ Hazard? | ||
| Yeah, funny guy. | ||
| Funny guy. | ||
| DJ Hazard had a loft in Massachusetts, somewhere outside of Boston. | ||
| And it was like they took an old school building and they converted it into apartments. | ||
| And I went to his apartment. | ||
| It was like exposed wood. | ||
| And he had like this fucking cool apartment. | ||
| I remember thinking, my God. | ||
| Imagine, he pays for this with jokes. | ||
| Wow, yeah. | ||
| I remember thinking that, because I was doing three different jobs. | ||
| I was driving limos and working construction. | ||
| It didn't seem possible, right? | ||
| It didn't seem possible. | ||
| I was like, this guy's a professional comedian. | ||
| That's all he does. | ||
| And he headlines. | ||
| Everywhere you go, you see the little newspaper clippings. | ||
| It's DJ Hazard. | ||
| Headliner, DJ Hazard. | ||
| And his face with his eyebrow raised up, looking hilarious. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| There's DJ. Eyebrow raised. | ||
| There's the eyebrow raised. | ||
| That was back when comics were beefy and scary. | ||
| Well, they were in Boston. | ||
| He's a big fucking guy. | ||
| They were all these big fucking guys. | ||
| Look at the size of his neck. | ||
| He looks like a thing. | ||
| He looks like a bad guy from Dune. | ||
| But, sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| Very, very nice guy. | ||
| And very funny. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| There were so many of those guys. | ||
| All the guys in Boston, like Dane Cook had a really good point about that. | ||
| They were all like men. | ||
| They were all like six foot two, burly, 230 pound fucking gorillas. | ||
| Coke. | ||
| They were all doing coke. | ||
| Get paid in coke. | ||
| You ever get paid in coke? | ||
| No, they offered it to me. | ||
| Yeah, they offered it to me. | ||
| Yeah, they said you want to get paid in cash or coke or both. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit, give me the cash. | ||
| If somebody offered me... | ||
| Dang, that'd be a fun night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta take the coke. | |
| Yeah, if somebody... | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You gotta take the coke. | ||
| This is probably the time to do it. | ||
| You've never done cocaine? | ||
| I've never done it either. | ||
| You should try it. | ||
| Get some pure stuff. | ||
| That's why we're on this side. | ||
| We're on this side of the table. | ||
| You've never done coke? | ||
| I'm not against it, but I never did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about when we did Molly? | |
| That was fun. | ||
| Oh, that was a bad night. | ||
| When was that? | ||
| Did you fuck him? | ||
| When was that? | ||
| Yeah, Helium was letting me do shows over COVID. And so that was the way we'd be able to party with all our friends. | ||
| So we would do shows at Helium, and then once everybody left, we'd clear it out. | ||
| Philly Helium? | ||
| Or which one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Philly Helium. | |
| That's the best one. | ||
| They don't know we were doing this. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, I told them. | ||
| You know, they're opening up out here. | ||
| They're opening up in the domain. | ||
| They're reusing the Cap City name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, he bought the Cap City name, and he's opening up a new Cap City in the domain. | ||
| Is that going to fuck with your room? | ||
| No, it's fine. | ||
| I'll go there. | ||
| I'll perform there. | ||
| Joe said he wants to... | ||
| Do you mind? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Joe said he wants to go to every club in the city to let everybody know, like, hey, there's none of this. | ||
| Perform there or here. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| I'll perform there. | ||
| You can perform here. | ||
| Yeah, I'll do all the clubs. | ||
| I want it to be a fun place. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| You say that now, but then your numbers start going down. | ||
| Not my bank account, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, I bet you he's gonna be alright with the... | ||
| Joe got a deal for over $100,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| 500 bucks from this company. | ||
| It's not American money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| It's Bitcoin. | ||
| It's all in bit now. | ||
| You're Illuminati now. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| You're Illuminati. | ||
| I'm not, though. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| I'm on the outside. | ||
| Do you have one of those masks you hold with a stick? | ||
| Those are plague masks. | ||
| I have a plague mask. | ||
| But the fact that you were, like, talked about in the debates, that's insane. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| Like, the presidential debates, like, we should get Joe Rogan. | ||
| Yeah, Trump wanted me to host a debate with him and Biden in the podcast. | ||
| Damn, that would have been good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| That would have been so good. | ||
| What t-shirt would you have worn? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would have been so fun. | |
| Probably like ACDC. | ||
| Cypress Hill. | ||
| I would you have got a button. | ||
| Yeah, Cypress Hill. | ||
| You've got to do on it, folks. | ||
| That's a tough point. | ||
| When you look at your closet, you're like, what's right for this? | ||
| Right, what is right for this? | ||
| I probably would have worn one of my buddy's t-shirts. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Maybe yours. | ||
| I wore yours a bunch. | ||
| I love that one, the one that you have to look at with glasses. | ||
| Oh, the 3D one. | ||
| I fucking lost that one. | ||
| Do you have other ones of those? | ||
| God. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Something happened in the move, and I can't find that fucking shirt. | ||
| That was one of my favorite ones. | ||
| They came with 3D glasses. | ||
| That was a fun one. | ||
| Yes, that was a good one. | ||
| Try to have cool merch. | ||
| If you put the glasses on, the shirt would perform for you. | ||
| It would wiggle. | ||
| Oh, all right. | ||
| Yeah, it was dope. | ||
| We got a great shirt for tomorrow, for the secret show tomorrow. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Do we? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's the secret guest? | ||
| It's you, Mark! | ||
| Mark, you're the secret guest. | ||
| What kind of guest is that? | ||
| Secret as hell. | ||
| So what's the shirt? | ||
| I shouldn't even ruin it, but I'll just say it's just really cutesy. | ||
| I'll show you a picture of it. | ||
| It's Lewis has sex with young boys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you say that? | |
| I don't want any boys. | ||
| I gotta get one of those. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| He's got a son. | ||
| Get me a medium. | ||
| It's so cutesy, too. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| We're donating one dollar from every ticket to Nambla on behalf of Luis Gomez. | ||
| To Nambla from Luis Gomez. | ||
| Is Nambla still alive? | ||
| Live and kicking. | ||
| Who's Nambla? | ||
| The North American Man Boy Love Association? | ||
| Oh, nice! | ||
| That's a real thing. | ||
| I gotta pay my dues on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that still real? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it was a real thing. | ||
| I think it's still there. | ||
| Nambla? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| What a fucking terrifying organization. | ||
| They loved it so much that they actually formed a group. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They went public. | |
| They were like, yeah, there's just a lot of us out there. | ||
| We just got to get together and strengthen numbers. | ||
| I've never heard of that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Namely, you've never heard of it? | ||
| No. | ||
| The whole South Park episode dedicated to it. | ||
| We love young boys. | ||
| What do you want us to do? | ||
| Not love them? | ||
| What about NAACP? Is that still kicking? | ||
| You know what's weird about that is you're not supposed to say colored people. | ||
| Colored people's weird. | ||
| Isn't that strange? | ||
| But you say people of color. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But it's in the thing. | ||
| Colored people. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| NAACP. You can't really attack it. | ||
| You can't attack it? | ||
| You can't attack it. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you want to? | |
| Good luck. | ||
| Can we back up when you do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to go ahead and try to attack the NAACP? I think they're backwards. | |
| I think I need to come with the times. | ||
| It's like, this shit's not acceptable anymore. | ||
| It's not cool to say colored people? | ||
| It is weird to say people of color, but colored people's bad. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| It just shows you how many goofy fucking things there are. | ||
| Like, how about this? | ||
| Englishman, fine. | ||
| Chinaman, you're a terrible person. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Put that down! | ||
| He's gonna fucking hate you for that one! | ||
| He's gonna be so mad! | ||
|
unidentified
|
At least make it young girls so he's not gay! | |
| At least it doesn't look anything like him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That looks exactly like Lewis! | |
| That might look like him after the Jason Ellis fight. | ||
| Did Jason fight? | ||
| I don't know that. | ||
| What are you kidding? | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Back when he was younger, back when he was in his 20s and 30s a long time ago. | ||
| Jason Ellis can fight. | ||
| Legitimately, 100% fight. | ||
| Actually fight. | ||
| He's very skillful. | ||
| He's got very strong punches. | ||
| He's very good at placing him on your face. | ||
| He's gonna win. | ||
| This is... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Is that Lewis? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Show him the one where he's fighting a guy with his arm behind his back. | ||
| He's fighting Shane Carwin who's 260 fucking pounds. | ||
| You're leaving out the detail. | ||
| And a former UFC heavyweight champion. | ||
| Is that him who got knocked out? | ||
| No, it's him knocking the guy out. | ||
| What is that from? | ||
| Is that pink? | ||
| That's him fighting Uriah Faber in a boxing match. | ||
| I wouldn't fight pink. | ||
| Jason Ellis can fight... | ||
| Oh, that's him fighting Mayhem. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Mayhem's just letting him punch him. | ||
| Yeah, but listen... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, this is a problem. | |
| I didn't know he was doing this. | ||
| This is all a long time ago. | ||
| Look at the greeniness. | ||
| Greeniness of the footage. | ||
| This is so long ago. | ||
| That's Kit Cope. | ||
| Kit's got tattoos everywhere now. | ||
| Don't lose it, though. | ||
| He's training with Babalusa Brawl, who's a legend. | ||
| I would beat this shit out of Babalusa. | ||
| What? | ||
| I pray to Christ I see Babaloo on the street. | ||
| Don't even say that, man. | ||
| He's a big fella. | ||
| Look at Dr. Drew in his corner. | ||
| Dr. Drew? | ||
| Dr. Drew in his corner. | ||
| I'm telling you... | ||
| What's he going to do, therapy him? | ||
| No, that's his... | ||
| He's right there. | ||
| He's boxing with Eddie, his boxing trainer. | ||
| So he's probably taking an easy arm. | ||
| But just let me tell you something. | ||
| Jason Ellis can really fight. | ||
| I've got a lot of money on Ellis. | ||
| He can really fight. | ||
| Is that Bomb Squad? | ||
| I think it's the Hollywood boxing gym. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Is that the original Bomb Squad? | ||
| Those are children. | ||
| That was the Hollywood boxing gym. | ||
| That place on... | ||
| Is it on La Brea? | ||
| The upstairs place? | ||
| You know that place on La Brea? | ||
| It's a 24-hour gym that seems like it might be some sort of a... | ||
| That was a... | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| The original Bomb Squad was great. | ||
| So that's him with Shane Cartwood. | ||
| Look at the size differential. | ||
| He had Shane tape his arm down. | ||
| Shane's knocking him out with one arm behind his back. | ||
| Shane is a fucking monster. | ||
| Shane knocked out everybody. | ||
| He knocked out Frank Mir. | ||
| Shane is one of the scariest. | ||
| You can't use that as a moment that Jason Ellis is good getting knocked out. | ||
| Listen, what is Lewis thinking? | ||
| Lewis is going to beat him. | ||
| He's old and Lewis has been training. | ||
| Lewis is old. | ||
| Lewis has been training. | ||
| Let's put some money on this. | ||
| What? | ||
| I already got a lot on Ellis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much money? | |
| You want to bet. | ||
| How much do you want to bet? | ||
| Okay, keep in mind, money's different for both of us. | ||
| I'm going to bet an amount that makes me feel like, oh, that's something. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| $1,000. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Hey, that's substantial. | ||
| $1,000. | ||
| $1,000. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Do we have to shake on it, or we're just friends? | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Actually, I don't trust you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Witness. | |
| So when's the fight? | ||
| And by the way, this is not a knock on Lewis. | ||
| I tried to talk about it. | ||
| Don't listen to Lewis. | ||
| He's got in your head because he's been friends with Jason for longer than you, Lewis. | ||
| I love both of them. | ||
| But listen, head trauma is real. | ||
| It's a real thing. | ||
| You keep it for the rest of your life. | ||
| Well, we're pads, right? | ||
| So doesn't Ellis have some head trauma? | ||
| Oh, yeah, he's got a lot of it. | ||
| He told me... | ||
| Ellis told me that he's been knocked unconscious. | ||
| Something like... | ||
| He fought in the King of the Cage. | ||
| He had a professional MMA fight in the King of the Cage. | ||
| But he told me he's been knocked unconscious. | ||
| At the time, I believe he said like eight times. | ||
| He's got serious concussions, dude. | ||
| That's why he's bisexual now. | ||
| He doesn't remember he's straight. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| He's bisexual? | ||
| My mind's on Lewis, dude. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Maybe he's just greedy. | ||
| Although he wants to be more of a superhero type. | ||
| That's a powerful thing to be, also. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
| My friend Jimmy told me this. | ||
| My friend Jimmy Lawless. | ||
| He goes, I think... | ||
| We were like 18. He goes, are they just greedy? | ||
| Like bisexual? | ||
| He's like, are they greedy? | ||
| It was like the funniest thing because we were like teenage muttons. | ||
| There is. | ||
| Well, Clear is 5'11", 185 pounds. | ||
| I'm telling you, man, he came fucking cracked. | ||
| 50 years old. | ||
| Mike Tyson's 55. You want to fight him? | ||
| He was born before Led Zeppelin got together. | ||
| And he's Australian, though. | ||
| Those people are animals. | ||
| They are animals. | ||
| Disgusting people. | ||
| Zeppelin was around in 71, you son of a bitch. | ||
| Don't fucking deal with the facts. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| When did they get together? | ||
| 60s? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So what's the fight? | |
| I think it's soon. | ||
| I think it's November, right? | ||
| Isn't it November? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Lewis better not be drinking at Skankfest. | ||
| He's gonna ruin his whole... | ||
| He will be. | ||
| He's gonna be drinking. | ||
| If Lewis dies on fentanyl in Skankfest, the bet is off. | ||
| That's fair. | ||
| Ooh, fentanyl. | ||
| Fentanyl's fucking terrifying. | ||
| I did it on accident. | ||
| Knocked me out for like two days. | ||
| Wait, you did? | ||
| I was lucky to be alive. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I was having trouble sleeping for a while, so I asked a guy for some Xanax, and it was laced with fentanyl. | ||
| It's called a Green Hulk. | ||
| Pull it up, J-Mo! | ||
| Oh, it was fake, fake Xanax? | ||
| Yeah, and I took the whole thing. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I asked the guy for some Xanax on the road, and I couldn't sleep. | ||
| I was doing so many gigs and drinking and all that stuff, and he gave me a bunch, and it fucked me up. | ||
| Do you know that's how Tom Petty died? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Tom Petty was in pain, and he got off of a show, and he got, I believe, from a roadie. | ||
| He asked a roadie if he had, I think he wanted, like, an oxy. | ||
| And the guy gave him an oxy. | ||
| The guy went to the parking lot. | ||
| There it was. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That 3-1. | ||
| Look how it looks like the Hulk. | ||
| Look at those pills that look like the Hulk. | ||
| This is also what killed Colin Powell. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No, that was cancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, shit. | |
| Wasn't fentanyl? | ||
| Joby, you gotta test that shit now. | ||
| I think he had cancer and COVID, right? | ||
| Yeah, but it's cancer. | ||
| Yeah, he had blood, he had like a rare blood cancer. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| But meanwhile, the fucking, and he's in his 80s, meanwhile the headlines, COVID took Colin Powell. | ||
| Damn, poor guy. | ||
| Died too young. | ||
| Everybody's testing now. | ||
| It's fucking annoying. | ||
| All the drugs, all the good drugs are like, you gotta be worried about it now. | ||
| It's very annoying. | ||
| Well, what they really should do is make them fucking legal so that everything can be tested. | ||
| Stan Hope wrote that immediately after Kate Quigley and those three guys died and she lived. | ||
| Stan Hope was right. | ||
| He's definitely right. | ||
| People are in denial about this. | ||
| It props up the cartels. | ||
| It props up organized crime. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're getting. | ||
| CVS says it's one cartel trying to ruin the supply of another cartel. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| But meanwhile, they're just like, who cares? | ||
| Some Americans will die. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| But it's like, if you have it at CVS, remember when CVS had a, there was some nut brand, mixed nut brand, and they recalled it all? | ||
| Because they're like, hey, it might have E. coli. | ||
| Give it back. | ||
| We're not selling this anymore. | ||
| You would do that at CBS. If anything got infected, you'd be like, it's done. | ||
| We're not selling it. | ||
| They should have legit centers where you can test these things, and they should have legit places where you could buy actual cocaine. | ||
| Not cocaine mixed with a bunch of shit because the dealers are trying to cut it. | ||
| Think about how many people have died. | ||
| If someone just had the smarts to sell tests that were like mobile portable tests, whatever the fuck you're gonna take, put it in there, find out what the fuck is in it real quick. | ||
| Most people probably still would just take it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially if you're drunk or high and you're just like... | ||
| But that's what's wrong. | ||
| So I was at a festival, Valley Vibes, Bonnaroo got canceled. | ||
| We found another one, Valley Vibes, just some small festival. | ||
| And this group next to us bought some blow. | ||
| And they were like, hey, we want to test it first. | ||
| Which I assume just meant like, let's see if it's good before I buy a bunch. | ||
| But they went into their trailer and did a bunch. | ||
| It's like, that's 100% great cocaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| The next day, they bought some acid. | ||
| They're like, hey, that is 100% mescaline, not acid at all. | ||
| That's a 24-hour trip instead of a fucking 10-hour trip. | ||
| Be careful. | ||
| Another time, they tried molly, and then it was like, that's synthetic molly, M-Bro. | ||
| You gotta test everything now. | ||
| It's just like, even if it's not fentanyl, it's anything else. | ||
| It's fucking scary, man. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| Well, it kills people. | ||
| That's what's scary. | ||
| You ever seen the amount of fentanyl that it takes to kill you? | ||
| It's the tiniest amount. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's so small. | ||
| Yeah, Jamie, pull it up. | ||
| It's literally like one-fifteenth of a penny. | ||
| But if your helium shows were happening now and everyone's like, we've got Molly, everyone would be like, I can't. | ||
| We can't have this good time. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| If they were happening now with fentanyl around, it'd be like... | ||
| Fentanyl was around? | ||
| This was like a week ago. | ||
| We're not snorting, Molly. | ||
| I'll probably take Molly this weekend. | ||
| You've got to start testing it. | ||
| I have some if you need it. | ||
| I'm not going to take it. | ||
| Oregon sucks. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's the amount of fentanyl. | ||
| Okay, I'm wrong. | ||
| It's like 1,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In my defense, I will be surrounded by losers. | |
| They'll take it first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'll take hours before they die. | |
| I think Louis and Rebecca are getting a test serve room. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| I think Fentanyl will get you. | ||
| It's not the Louis I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Quickly. | |
| It's fucking terrifying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Quigley. | |
| It's terrifying because Quigley, don't say that five times. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| That was a good one. | ||
| Felt pretty good. | ||
| Say that five times and she'll show up in a bikini. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bit of a pun master. | |
| Shane loves puns. | ||
| People don't give him credit for the puns. | ||
| Puns are underrated. | ||
| It's just a terrible Trump impression, but the puns is where it's got. | ||
| Bro, that fucking speed dating with Trump is one of the best sketches online. | ||
| It's a funny sketch. | ||
| I think it's about to hit a million. | ||
| Those videos that you guys put out are fucking genius. | ||
| They're so underrated. | ||
| They're real sketches. | ||
| Almost as good as SNL. I don't even compare it to that. | ||
| It's just great. | ||
| They're just funny. | ||
| It's Gillian Keeves. | ||
| Key and Peel. | ||
| So I think you should leave. | ||
| Key and Peel are done. | ||
| Those are the two great sketches that are out there. | ||
| These are amazing sketches. | ||
| But the thing is, you don't have a fucking editor or a producer saying, ah, you're going too far. | ||
| That's the key. | ||
| It's like artists and executives, they don't have the same reason for existing. | ||
| The executives are just trying to have a thing successful so they can make money and they can continue upwardly and eventually produce movies. | ||
| That's what they all want to do. | ||
| What we want to do is make people laugh. | ||
| And sometimes you gotta go for it. | ||
| And they don't want to go for it. | ||
| And when you go for it, they get mad at you. | ||
| You just do it your own way. | ||
| It's like, hey, this wouldn't work on NBC. It's like, fine, fine. | ||
| John has a real life. | ||
| He has a family. | ||
| A keever who's writing and directing and editing. | ||
| And we can't find anyone to buy it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| So if you do your own thing, you gotta have your own money. | ||
| Are you making money on it? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put it out for free. | |
| But the YouTube? | ||
| YouTube views help. | ||
| Venmo donations? | ||
| It does bump up your profile, though. | ||
| Definitely people love you. | ||
| It helps me. | ||
| It helps your stand-ups, but not McKeever. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Oh, that sucks. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Let's get him a GoFundMe or some shit. | ||
| Yeah, if we raised some money so John could quit his real job to write more shit, we would do it every day. | ||
| Because that guy's brilliant. | ||
| Maybe what's going to happen is... | ||
| Jay's going to have him produce a special. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| He did mine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did my special. | |
| I make money on YouTube for my special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucked up. | |
| I didn't monetize my YouTube. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I didn't want to. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, you should do it now. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Before it's too late. | ||
| Because he makes $800 a minute on fucking Patreon. | ||
| Patreon. | ||
| Matt and Shane's secret podcast, Patreon. | ||
| Well, that's good. | ||
| You got a source. | ||
| But, you know, Dunnegan and Kurt Metzger are having the same issue. | ||
| Oh, those guys are brilliant. | ||
| Fucking genius. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| Those are the Biden things. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those are great. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They're so funny. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| Who's the Jew guy? | ||
| You? | ||
| No, the thinker. | ||
| Ben Shapiro. | ||
| They do a great Ben Shapiro. | ||
| Kyle Dunnegan's one of the best impressionists alive. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| His Bill Maher is fucking incredible. | ||
| I went over to their house two weeks ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
First off, you go into Kyle Dunnegan's house, it's terrifying. | |
| Why? | ||
| It's a shell of a house. | ||
| It's a genius's house. | ||
| And it's just him and Metzger, who is also out of his fucking mind. | ||
| And Metzger will come up with an idea, he'll say something, and then Donegan will just do the impression on the spot. | ||
| Metzger's a joke machine. | ||
| He is. | ||
| He's a joke machine. | ||
| Metzger's like, yeah. | ||
| His text messages to me- You ever get caught in a Metzger text- Yeah. | ||
| He'll say one thing to you, hey, have you ever seen this? | ||
| You respond once, and then 40 texts come in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, exactly. | |
| They're just like laying you out a whole movie. | ||
| He's manic. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| I'm such a giant fan of that dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He's so funny. | ||
| And he's just, again, another super underrated guy, underappreciated guy. | ||
| Him and Dunnegan, those fucking face-offs. | ||
| White Precious was a great special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
White Precious. | |
| White Precious was like a last great Comedy Central special. | ||
| What was it called? | ||
| White Precious. | ||
| White Precious? | ||
| Is that Metzger's? | ||
| It's Metzger's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the best. | |
| What a great name. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| White Precious. | ||
| There's a whole bit about it, yeah. | ||
| That is an amazing name. | ||
| He said it's the best insult. | ||
| Best insult to call somebody because they can't even. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Another huge dong. | ||
| Oh, Metzger. | ||
| He's a giant guy. | ||
| Of course he's got a huge dong. | ||
| You'd be surprised, Joe. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You got a little dick? | ||
| Let me stop you right there, Joe. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You're doing alright. | ||
| I have a decent penis. | ||
| I mean, I've seen it next to mine. | ||
| Well, you're a big fucking guy. | ||
| That's why you have a regular dick for your size. | ||
| For regular people. | ||
| If you put it on Jamie Kilstein, it'd be massive. | ||
| Joe's got midget dick. | ||
| He's got this short but thick stubby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So rude. | |
| It's not that short. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty regular. | |
| It's not like that. | ||
| It's a little longer than that. | ||
| It's not as thick. | ||
| You're lying. | ||
| You're just lying to people. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Who's got the ruler? | ||
| Where's the ruler here? | ||
| Do you even have a podcast studio? | ||
| I'll take that dick. | ||
| Without a dick ruler? | ||
| I'll take that dick right now. | ||
| That's a five. | ||
| That's like one of those little coke cans. | ||
| You're never going to get a blowjob ever except for someone that's terrifying. | ||
| How even could you? | ||
| A terrifying woman. | ||
| Oh, you can't even get around it! | ||
| Yeah, I need a big mouthpiece. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't. | |
| But some of them people with a giant, like, Hilary Smank smile. | ||
| Hilary Smank. | ||
| She's got a giant smile. | ||
| Hilary Smank is one of our finest actors. | ||
| She did a trans movie back when that was a thing. | ||
| When you were allowed to. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She can't do it now. | ||
| Boys don't cum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Yeah, she's a good actress. | ||
| She's a very good actress. | ||
| And weirdly hot where you're like, am I into her? | ||
| Am I not into her? | ||
| Who's Hilary Smank? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull her up! | |
| Like Sigourney Weaver's hotter sister. | ||
| Hilary Smank. | ||
| She was a lady. | ||
| Sigourney Weaver was kind of hot. | ||
| I never got it. | ||
| Ridley Scott's hot. | ||
| Ridley Scott's for sure hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He's got a hog. | ||
| You just luscious. | ||
| You can tell. | ||
| Yeah, you can tell. | ||
| What about Kubrick? | ||
| Do you think he's got a big hog? | ||
| Or had a big hog while he was alive? | ||
| He was too busy doing math. | ||
| He seemed like a weird guy. | ||
| And so usually a guy that probably has a dick. | ||
| Not a curved dick. | ||
| The guy like that has one of those real band. | ||
| Biggest dick I've ever seen in my life was a mathematician from MIT that used to do Taekwondo with me. | ||
| His name was John Ball. | ||
| If you're still alive, John, my apologies. | ||
| This is only a compliment. | ||
| He was a very nice guy. | ||
| He did Taekwondo, and he was oddly uncoordinated, but he had a dick that people would change in the locker room. | ||
| People would go just... | ||
| Really? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Like a baby's arm with an apple in his fist, like the old Lenny Bruce line. | ||
| It was gigantic. | ||
| White guy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| White guy with wacky hair. | ||
| He was a mathematician, a genius. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| A brilliant, brilliant guy. | ||
| Did he use it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I had a wife that looked like she was protecting a gold mine. | ||
| She would come in like, where is he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cold! | |
| Show up and make sure that no one else saw it. | ||
| No women saw it. | ||
| It was giant. | ||
| I mean, it was like 12 inches soft. | ||
| What?! | ||
| I'm telling you, it was fucking and fat! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fat. | |
| And he was like, you would never imagine if you saw the guy in real life. | ||
| He was like a thin, wiry guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those are the guys who have the biggest dongs. | |
| Thin. | ||
| Thinny. | ||
| Yeah, they surprise you. | ||
| Like a baseball bat. | ||
| It was giant. | ||
| The dick size is unaffected by your weight gain. | ||
| It's just your height. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it really shines. | ||
| What? | ||
| Unfortunately, dude. | ||
| Because tits get bigger with fat. | ||
| Sometimes they don't do it. | ||
| There's a lot of women that have tits. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| That's the worst place to be. | ||
| Which is a damn shame. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That sucks. | ||
| The weirdest thing is when a guy gains a shit ton of weight and then he has to lose it all and then they cut the skin off. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When they have all that extra skin and then they have a big line down the side of their bodies where they literally slice you and tighten you back up again and then you have to walk around like this for like three months. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what you get. | ||
| Just be that fat and ride it out. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, just be that fat and die. | ||
| Go lean into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go to the beach. | |
| Move to Austin. | ||
| Lay there. | ||
| Go to some barbecue places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait it out. | |
| Because some guys lose weight and they look shitty like Al Roker. | ||
| You're like, you were better fat. | ||
| Better fat. | ||
| Some guys are better fat. | ||
| I wonder what I'd look like. | ||
| Shane? | ||
| You're not that fat, Shane. | ||
| I'm not like a giant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, come on. | |
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| Have you seen him naked? | ||
| You're the health guy. | ||
| Don't fucking put this on. | ||
| I'm the health guy, so I can't tell the truth? | ||
| You know it's not the truth. | ||
| You know it's not the truth. | ||
| He's huge. | ||
| No, he's not Ralphie Mae. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| What? | ||
| How old are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's 80. 47. Yeah, right. | |
| That's the year you were born. | ||
| Good year. | ||
| He always tries to get me at the fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All you gotta do is bring up Ari's age and he shuts the fuck up. | |
| Like a 20 year old. | ||
| I'm older than him. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| I'm like six years older than you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old are you? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, but you're doing pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm doing fine. | |
| You're not defending parks. | ||
| The parks should be defended. | ||
| Fuck that park. | ||
| Fuck that park. | ||
| And there's nothing you can do. | ||
| I have four real fuck that park. | ||
| Build that deal. | ||
| You can bike the whole bike path past dinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's biking, dude? | |
| Everybody! | ||
| Who's biking, dude? | ||
| Who's biking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get rid of him. | |
| Let a guy make money. | ||
| There's a guy right now, somebody who's trying to buy this fucking park. | ||
| There is. | ||
| The last thing he needs is some dork coming on a podcast. | ||
| It's probably Trump. | ||
| Protect the park, man. | ||
| I hope it's Trump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine if Trump- Hey, Trump, why do you want this park so bad? | |
| Oh, you want me to do Trump? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trump, what's the problem with this park? | ||
| Why do you want it so bad, Donald? | ||
| We've got a lot of Jews down there. | ||
| That's good! | ||
| How'd you know that? | ||
| How'd you know there was so many Jews on there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| What are you going to do with the park? | ||
| A lot of people think that you're going to put a prison there. | ||
| Are you going to put a prison there? | ||
| We might put a prison there. | ||
| I haven't thought about it. | ||
| We're thinking about a prison. | ||
| That's a good impression. | ||
| Have you had girls try to fucking do Trump in bed? | ||
| Done against Trump. | ||
| Done against Trump when he has the Trump surprise face. | ||
| When Stormy Daniels is calling on the fucking FaceTime. | ||
| It's like, Stormy! | ||
| Whatever happened to her? | ||
| She did stand up for a hot minute. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, once that dude went to jail, that was it. | ||
| I love how our dream is everyone's fallback plan. | ||
| I know, what a bummer. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| You hear that, Catan? | ||
| It's the only... | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Low blow. | ||
| That's the only thing that you... | ||
| Who? | ||
| Chris Catan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it? | |
| Was it a low blow? | ||
| A little bit if you've seen his act. | ||
| He's great? | ||
| He's a very funny guy. | ||
| It's great in that movie with the dancing. | ||
| Let's see stand-ups be stand-ups. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| But here's the thing, though. | ||
| If someone embraced stand-up and then really got into it, you'd be cool with that. | ||
| It's never that. | ||
| It's like, I'll do it 20 times and then just cash in on my name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To really get into it, you gotta bomb for a while. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta work your way up. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta bomb. | ||
| And you gotta bomb at open mics. | ||
| You gotta come in when people don't know you. | ||
| The only guy that I've ever known that got famous and then started doing stand-up was Charlie. | ||
| Charlie Murphy was literally headlining after a year of doing comedy and going on the road, and he fucking had the balls to follow legit people, and he would bring them on the road with him. | ||
| Whatever happened to that guy? | ||
| He died. | ||
| Him and Muhammad Ali. | ||
| And Colin Powell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yes. | ||
| All of them are gone. | ||
| Colin Powell. | ||
| You remember the guy responsible for the war in Iraq? | ||
| Yeah, that guy, the weapons of mass destruction. | ||
| Did he kill himself because he pulled out of Afghanistan? | ||
| Jamie, look that up. | ||
| I think he died before it happened, right? | ||
| Didn't he die before? | ||
| No, I think after. | ||
| I was like, that's it. | ||
| My work is done. | ||
| There's more news stories about Chappelle than the Taliban. | ||
| There's more news stories about Chappelle than pulling out of Afghanistan. | ||
| Yeah, I guess Israel and Palestine made up. | ||
| They do that a lot. | ||
| When I got canceled, it was Epstein. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They use it. | |
| Well, you're like, thank God for Epstein. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They use it. | |
| No, no. | ||
| Epstein was like, thank God for me. | ||
| Let's push all the heat on this guy. | ||
| The Clintons. | ||
| Want to see a fucking hilarious meme? | ||
| I'll send this to you, Jamie. | ||
| Memes are good. | ||
| This is one of my favorites. | ||
| There's funny memes out there. | ||
| There are. | ||
| Although sometimes they steal our bits. | ||
| They do occasionally, but most of the time it's... | ||
| Most memes are honest. | ||
| Most comics steal from memes. | ||
| That's a lot of that, too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You see that? | ||
| Every day. | ||
| But how do you know who did it first, though? | ||
| The fucking meme. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| It's not like a verbatim joke, but there's a theme. | ||
| You can see someone be like, we'll use a phrase that's from a meme. | ||
| Oh, I hate that. | ||
| You're not creative. | ||
| You got that from the internet. | ||
| Yeah, I sent it to you, Jamie. | ||
| And the meme is always better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how I started. | |
| The first time I did comedy, I was just stealing memes. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| I knew it. | ||
| It's pretty punchy. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| It's perfect for SNL. I want to tell you how big it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| He looks just like Andrew Jackson. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Epstein and Andrew Jackson. | ||
| What is going on with that? | ||
| Another guy just retired because he got caught up in the Epstein photograph library. | ||
| They found out that he was hanging. | ||
| Meanwhile, Bill Gates out there selling vaccines and soybeans. | ||
| See the picture of Bill Clinton and him just chilling at a bar, at a restaurant. | ||
| Just hanging out having a good time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I only went on a fly with him 26 times. | |
| Trump was there, but he only went down there and he hung out with the staff once he found out what was going on. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| Tell me what he said. | ||
| Oh yeah, James Staley, Barclays CEO, steps down after a Jeffrey Epstein inquiry. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's the face of a guy who had a good time. | ||
| He got his asshole licked. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| That's a Squid Games guy. | ||
| That was a guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A real animal house situation, dude. | |
| Duck boots on, legs in the air. | ||
| They're having fun. | ||
| They're having fun. | ||
| I had a girl try to lick my asshole once. | ||
| I had to tell her to stop. | ||
| I had it. | ||
| It's really bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I couldn't do it. | |
| I could never do it. | ||
| There's too much hair and dingles. | ||
| Chaos. | ||
| You've got to be prepared for that. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| You've got to prep. | ||
| You can't get into it because you're like, you're having not a good time. | ||
| You shouldn't be there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Have you ever felt the hairs down there? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like on Gooch to Butthole, the hairs are like this. | ||
| It's a different breed of hair. | ||
| Mine are chaos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Same. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Look at me. | ||
| Imagine what my asshole hair looks like. | ||
| And you'd be correct. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's all I've been thinking about this whole time. | |
| It's like if you saw Champ's asshole. | ||
| And then you saw my asshole, you're like, which one's you? | ||
| Your asshole's blue, like a baboon. | ||
| I think this is a colobus monkey. | ||
| Uh-oh, we got in the monkeys. | ||
| It's fun to clean your asshole, though, isn't it? | ||
| Because you're still rubbing it, but it's for health. | ||
| I shave it every few months, and it makes the fart sound totally different. | ||
| You shave your asshole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Is Jamie doing it? | ||
| I have a sponsor in manscaping. | ||
| I just let it clean the... | ||
| It keeps your asshole clean. | ||
| What do you do, nose cleaner? | ||
| No, it's a ball hair trimmer, Manscaped. | ||
| For your asshole? | ||
| If you had real sponsors, you would know about Manscaped.com. | ||
| But how do you see what you're doing? | ||
| I only have drugs and I'm recovering from drugs. | ||
| It has a light on it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, the Manscaped... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you bend? | |
| But how do you get in there? | ||
| It's called a lawnmower. | ||
| They have a 4.0. | ||
| Get up on the table and show us. | ||
| Well, I'm very flexible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What pose do you take? | |
| What pose? | ||
| I spread my legs apart, and I go head between the legs. | ||
| And you lifted your nutsack out of the way? | ||
| Yeah, I can suck my own dick if I wanted to. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super flexible. | |
| You can't. | ||
| No, you cannot. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| No, I've never done it. | ||
| I just put it around my face just to know I could do it. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| I've tried! | ||
| What do you want me to show you? | ||
| Through the jeans and you can touch your jeans with your head. | ||
| I can put my head flat. | ||
| I can flatten my body out. | ||
| Not that far. | ||
| You know I can. | ||
| Do you remember that time when Bert said, can you do a split? | ||
| And I just dropped down to the split? | ||
| Anybody can do a split. | ||
| That's a normal thing. | ||
| If you can bend your head and go fully flat, where do you think your face is and where's your dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
First of all, you don't have a neck, so how can you get over that far? | |
| Just show us your dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a neck under all this other shit. | |
| Wait, you can suck your own dick? | ||
| What are you doing here? | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| What's the money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| All that money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who needs it? | |
| What's the point of all of this? | ||
| What's the point of all of it? | ||
| Because you still have a dick in your mouth. | ||
| You can't enjoy it. | ||
| Just use that cash for sound barrier. | ||
| You'd have to be bipolar. | ||
| You'd have to be like, I'm the guy who's getting his dick sucked. | ||
| Not the guy who's sucking the dick. | ||
| That's a guy in another dimension. | ||
|
unidentified
|
CNN! Attack him for the dick sucking! | |
| Everybody over there sucks dick. | ||
| He's the real dewormer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm deworming! | |
| Ah! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've gotten the dong close to the face just to be like, I could do it? | |
| You could touch it on the side of your... | ||
| It wasn't hard, but I was imagining. | ||
| If it was hard, this is going in there. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That's hot. | ||
| Could you lick the balls? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's impressive. | ||
| You can play with the balls, though. | ||
| I have seen a lady in a video eat her own pussy, and I was like, good lord. | ||
| Wow, is she bad at it, too? | ||
| That's not there. | ||
| You didn't get a mile to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How big do you think you're dickens? | |
| That's me. | ||
| But you're not doing it. | ||
| That's a picture of you not doing it. | ||
| But I'm just stretching there. | ||
| How is that out there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't even know. | |
| I only have that. | ||
| Oh, you have that? | ||
| I was like, I didn't even know I did that. | ||
| This conversation came up 4-20-2019. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Backstage. | ||
| Well, see, there you go. | ||
| I saw a donkey show in Mexico. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Ruined my life. | ||
| Worst thing I've ever seen. | ||
| And I've seen Fluffy's act. | ||
| But this thing was bananas. | ||
| So I was in Mexico in college. | ||
| We used to drive down. | ||
| I'm from New Orleans. | ||
| You drive to Mexico for a weekend, go nuts with a bunch of guys, and one guy, we're out there, you know, Drinking. | ||
| And one guy goes, you want to see Donkey's show? | ||
| And we were like, yeah! | ||
| And he took us for a 20-minute walk. | ||
| We went to a warehouse. | ||
| There's a bunch of guys in a circle. | ||
| A bunch of hay. | ||
| They're all holding money. | ||
| And we saw a donkey come out. | ||
| And the lady comes out. | ||
| They flip the donkey over. | ||
| They blow the donkey. | ||
| And then she sat on it. | ||
| It was horrific. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You saw it? | |
| I had to watch, but I turned away. | ||
| It was like $10. | ||
| Did you actually hate it? | ||
| I hated it. | ||
| The donkey's missing fur, the lady was kinda hot. | ||
| The donkey was malnourished. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| He was getting human pussy and he was malnourished? | ||
| And she was pretty. | ||
| Mexico, man. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| When you see how many really beautiful women do porn, you're like, wow. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| It's like, I think the way they really make money now is OnlyFans. | ||
| They came real close to cutting off that OnlyFans. | ||
| They did. | ||
| And all the money went away. | ||
| But then they went, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. | ||
| We're going to keep it going. | ||
| I think the whole thing was an ad campaign. | ||
| And it worked. | ||
| It's a good ad campaign. | ||
| Everybody was like, you can't stop. | ||
| Everyone started talking about, you can't stop the porn shows. | ||
| And they're like, That's right, we do have porn stars at OnlyFans! | ||
| We're not doing it! | ||
| See, he thinks like a Jew. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And Chappelle teamed up with the trans people. | ||
| No one wants to say it, but it's obvious everyone's talking about his special way more than the last one. | ||
| True. | ||
| He's trans. | ||
| Clearly trans. | ||
| Imagine if that was the plot twist. | ||
| I'm a bitch! | ||
| What was that one movie? | ||
| Remember that movie that was a famous movie at the end of the movie, the girl turned out to be a guy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, boys don't cry. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Way before that. | ||
| It was like Egypt and the outer space. | ||
| No, some like it hot. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, you guys are wrong. | ||
| No, the twist was, it's a girl. | ||
| Or it's a guy. | ||
| It's a guy. | ||
| Ace Ventura. | ||
| No, that was one of the most transphobic movies ever. | ||
| In the end, and it's Sean Young, who's hot as fuck. | ||
| In the end, everyone's throwing up. | ||
| They're going crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Remember? | ||
| He's killing his tongue. | ||
| Tone Loke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they had all made out with her? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| What was the movie? | ||
| Good question, Iguodos. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's like Egypt, and it was like an outer space person. | ||
| Egypt? | ||
| Running Egypt from the old Egyptian days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you sure that's not it? | |
| No, no, no, I'm sure it's not it. | ||
| It was a famous movie, and at the end of the movie, it was revealed that it was actually... | ||
| There's someone out there yelling it out. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Oh, The Crying Game. | ||
| The Crying Game. | ||
| The Crying Game. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Jamie's favorite movie. | ||
| No, it's the second favorite movie. | ||
| What about Soul Man? | ||
| Soul Man was a good one. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Joanna Man? | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Joanna Man's great. | ||
| Actually, that's pretty relevant. | ||
| It was a failure. | ||
| Tropic Thunder was the last one. | ||
| That was a great comedy. | ||
| It's a great fucking movie. | ||
| There's a movie you could never make. | ||
| It's fucking brilliant. | ||
| It is a funny movie. | ||
| When Tom Cruise plays the agent guy with a fat suit on. | ||
| That was when McConaughey made a switch for me. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| McConaughey in Tropic Thunder is when he switched from like rom-com douche guy to like the fucking man. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Every now and then I'll get a fucking FaceTime from Matthew McConaughey. | ||
| And I just look at my phone and I go, wow. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Walking around my house. | ||
| Interstellar ruled. | ||
| McConaughey is great. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's a human to human. | ||
| He's very normal. | ||
| Very friendly guy. | ||
| But almost like two famous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two famous. | |
| Two famous actors. | ||
| And now he's talking about running for governor and shit? | ||
| There he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weird. | |
| I hope he does. | ||
| As Tom Cruise. | ||
| The fucking crazy, hairy fucking wrists and everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, that was hilarious. | |
| It was an amazing character. | ||
| He's gotta be doing Harvey there. | ||
| It's gotta be like a Harvey spin. | ||
| The forearms? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I read that that was his choice. | ||
| Tom Cruise was the one in that movie that was like, give me those jacked forearms. | ||
| It was an action and like a real actor and he goes, let me try comedy and then just crushed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Murdered. | |
| He can do anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's good. | |
| That guy can do anything. | ||
| That's Scientology gives you. | ||
| He does his own fucking stunts and he's like 80 years old. | ||
| He flew, he dove from outer space. | ||
| He fucking parachuted from outer space. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The power of Scientology. | |
| Well, the thing is, if you really believe something, let's do it. | ||
| Imagine we all joined, we came together. | ||
| So listen, we just want to be protected against scandal. | ||
| I got an idea. | ||
| Instead of us coming out, we've all thought about coming out as trans. | ||
| He's probably got a fat movie going out. | ||
| Oh yeah, they're saying he looks like Norm MacDonald now. | ||
| Imagine if he's playing Norm in a movie. | ||
| What if he is Norm? | ||
| It does look like a fat suit. | ||
| Look at Norm. | ||
| He looks very thick. | ||
| He must be doing something. | ||
| Norm? | ||
| He says, stop putting crap into your face. | ||
| He's not putting crap into his face. | ||
| That's food. | ||
| No, that looks like chemicals. | ||
| That's booze, dude. | ||
| You think he's getting hammered? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's food and booze. | |
| He doesn't drink. | ||
| Yeah, what was that one mission I had? | ||
| Seems like I couldn't do it. | ||
| He's getting fat for a movie. | ||
| He's probably getting fat for a movie not telling anybody. | ||
| But it looks fake fat. | ||
| It looks like Eddie Murphy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It does. | |
| It looks like a fat shooter. | ||
| It says he's defended his appearance. | ||
| Scroll back up. | ||
| No, where is it? | ||
| Look how hot he is there. | ||
| He defended the star's appearance, blaming his new look on age. | ||
| No. | ||
| Because look down there. | ||
| That's what he really normally looks like. | ||
| He's very fit. | ||
| You know that moment where you step on the scale, like, alright, I'll lose 10 pounds. | ||
| That's what he's at right there. | ||
| I get this. | ||
| I get this. | ||
| Yeah, he looks fine. | ||
| That's after a week of drinking. | ||
| And then that's three days of not drinking. | ||
| It was a playoff run. | ||
| He's definitely thick. | ||
| No, he's fat. | ||
| He's probably doing a movie, man. | ||
| It looks like fake cheek fat. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I think he's getting fat for a movie. | ||
| It's crazy because he's still so much thinner than Shane and Joe. | ||
| And Joe? | ||
| Thanks for including Joe on that. | ||
| He always likes to say that I'm obese. | ||
| Medically. | ||
| Because I'm short and my BMI makes me obese. | ||
| It's skyrocketed. | ||
| So sad. | ||
| How much do you weigh, Joe? | ||
| More than me? | ||
| 200. I'm 175 inches taller than you. | ||
| You still weigh more than me. | ||
| Yeah, but I could kill you with my hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That helps. | |
| I guess that's kind of the only metric that matters. | ||
| That really is. | ||
| There's a reason for all this muscle. | ||
| It's to make up for my insecurities. | ||
| We got that. | ||
| I like to be able to kill people. | ||
| One on one. | ||
| It is nice to have. | ||
| Oh, it's the best. | ||
| That's why I hate dudes doing jujitsu. | ||
| I used to just be bigger than everyone. | ||
| I used to lay on them. | ||
| You never know now. | ||
| Now everybody's doing karate and bullshit. | ||
| Now you lay on them and they get you with their dick in your mouth while they're triangling you. | ||
| Do you remember Nashville? | ||
| Nashville? | ||
| We were there once and some guy, I forget his name, he's big into Ibogaine, and he was like, he got into a fight and he had to choke somebody out. | ||
| It was like some bigger guy. | ||
| It's when we were on the road together a long time ago. | ||
| He had to choke somebody, he choked him out and then went to the bouncer's like, hey, I had to put him to sleep. | ||
| I'm leaving right now. | ||
| Because he was pushing his girlfriend. | ||
| I do remember that. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| The Jits guy, for sure. | ||
| Oh, I can't say his name. | ||
| Yeah, he's a buddy of mine. | ||
| Yeah, I won't say his name, but yeah. | ||
| But he's smaller. | ||
| He was a smaller guy. | ||
| He was like 165 pounds, and some guy was an asshole. | ||
| And I'm like, this guy's fucking up. | ||
| He's making a big mistake here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| And then, next thing you know, he fucking just strangles that guy. | ||
| But so calmly. | ||
| Went to the bounce. | ||
| So I'm leaving, obviously, but I just put a guy to sleep there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the guy was like, whoa. | |
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| I can learn that with one class, and I won't do it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| One class? | ||
| That's how smart you are? | ||
| Imagine. | ||
| How long does that take to learn? | ||
| Years. | ||
| Oh, okay, well then fuck that. | ||
| To be competent. | ||
| But it only takes like six months to be able to handle yourself against most humans. | ||
| Yeah, in six months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Six months. | |
| Yeah, you can be competent enough to handle yourself against most people. | ||
| I remember Joe List was taking classes for... | ||
| I think it was about three or four months in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he came to the stand and was like, I've been doing this. | ||
| I could beat you up. | ||
| I was like, Joe, I'll fucking kill you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now I think he could do it. | ||
| He's been doing it for a long time. | ||
| There's a lot of physics involved. | ||
| You're a big guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the big size... | ||
| It has an impact. | ||
| It makes a big deal. | ||
| It takes a while to choke out a big guy. | ||
| I could take Brad Williams. | ||
| That would be fun. | ||
| Hold his head, his hands are swinging. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| What if he headbutts you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Oh, then I'm done. | ||
| That noggin will really kill a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking just kill a man! | |
| You ever killed anybody? | ||
| No, not yet. | ||
| I wonder what that feels like. | ||
| Probably not good. | ||
| It's probably a horrible feeling. | ||
| It feels horrible to knock someone out. | ||
| It's a terrible feeling. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't feel good. | ||
| Because it feels like, that could have been me, and you're like, what am I doing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a weird feeling. | ||
| Even on the mat, though? | ||
| No, in the mat, you choke them out. | ||
| And that's not that bad. | ||
| You ever put to sleep? | ||
| No, I've tapped every time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have. | |
| I've tapped like a thousand times. | ||
| If someone touches my throat, I'm like, stop, stop, stop, stop. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| In class once, in the first bomb squad, it was like we were doing arm triangles and just drills. | ||
| So it was like, no, it wasn't on top. | ||
| He was like, do I have it? | ||
| I'm like, you don't have it, man. | ||
| I'm still talking to you. | ||
| It's not there. | ||
| He goes, let me rearrange. | ||
| And he was like, I woke up with Eddie standing over me. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| I was like, wait, what just happened? | ||
| It happens all the time in class, and it's just, it's like a garden hose. | ||
| Like, say if you cut the water off a garden hose, like, you bend it, and it stops the water flowing, and you open it back up, and it flows again. | ||
| It doesn't have the same damage that, like, getting knocked out does. | ||
| It's refreshing. | ||
| Knocked out is terrifying. | ||
| I got knocked out at a party in college, and I pissed myself. | ||
| And my girlfriend at the time was over me, like, what? | ||
| Are you okay? | ||
| And I was like, don't look at my dick. | ||
| It's wet. | ||
| Wait, your girlfriend saw you get knocked out? | ||
| Saw white and just went out on a front lawn. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| How was the relationship after that? | ||
| Not good. | ||
| She started fucking the guy who knocked me out. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I mean, it was a sucker punch in my defense. | ||
| Well, that's the problem with sucker punches. | ||
| That's why you can't let anybody who's angry get close to you. | ||
| When people are angry and they get close to you, you either got to push them away from you or grab them. | ||
| Because when they start doing that, anybody can get sucker punched. | ||
| Because, like, reaction time is so much slower than action time. | ||
| Action time is like, bang! | ||
| You could crack somebody. | ||
| In reaction time, you're in the middle of real... | ||
| Sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie. | |
| We got more beers? | ||
| Can I get one? | ||
| I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. | ||
| J-Mo! | ||
| Sorry to interrupt. | ||
| I saw Joe once, I'm not going to say who, but somebody got in his face, and it's just like, natural. | ||
| You immediately get underhooks. | ||
| And the guy was like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, what's happening? | |
| Mencia? | ||
| When people don't realize how vulnerable they are, and then they do, there's a moment where there's a look on their face where they're like, oh my god. | ||
| I don't know anything. | ||
| When you just grab their body and just squeeze it and hold them. | ||
| It's like the moment in school where they bring in signs instead of just numbers into math, and you're like, oh, I don't know it. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| There's letters now? | ||
| What's X? Y? Well, it's good to know something so you don't have to hurt someone. | ||
| So like in that situation, I didn't hurt the guy. | ||
| I just grabbed him and went, listen. | ||
| But remember when you were a kid, I feel like being... | ||
| What were we doing this whole time? | ||
| Preparing for alcoholism. | ||
| That's what I am doing. | ||
| Being knocked out used to be part of childhood, I thought. | ||
| Well, we thought it was okay. | ||
| We didn't think it haunts you for life. | ||
| I know people that have been knocked out and they've never been the same again. | ||
| Yeah, quite a few people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Biden. | |
| Well, he did have fucking serious brain surgery. | ||
| He was a football player. | ||
| I bet he got dinged around a little bit. | ||
| What did he play? | ||
| That was back in the leather helmet days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| When I found out he played football, I liked him a little more. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| I think he used to be like a charming guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I liked what he was doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| I'm racist, so I really liked a lot of what he was doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| His entire career. | ||
| Building prisons and stuff. | ||
| I don't even know what he does. | ||
| I like the... | ||
| Well, the crime bill from 94. Yeah, I love the crime bill, so I was a big Biden guy for a long time. | ||
| I love seeing Shane on podcasts talk about stuff go the opposite way, and then people are like, what's that supposed to be? | ||
| He's like, I'm joking. | ||
| I went and did Segura's podcast, and I sat down and I was just like, I love being in Texas. | ||
| I love the abortion laws here. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| But they were good, though. | ||
| They got it. | ||
| They got it 100%. | ||
| Hey, Jamie, I'm going to send you something else. | ||
| It's weird how few people get comedy. | ||
| They're like, what? | ||
| That's Biden? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Biden was a beast, dude. | ||
| Stop the woods, Mr. Vice President. | ||
| But this is before black players. | ||
| It certainly was, because of Biden. | ||
| This is before color film. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| This is black and white. | ||
| This is wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| That's actually fast motion. | ||
| What are these subtitles even saying? | ||
| I follow football. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. | ||
| Yeah, what is it at the top? | ||
| Arkmere, Biden, BP, Seven Men movie? | ||
| Wow, nice fucking route, dude. | ||
| Look how slow they are. | ||
| You want to know something wild? | ||
| Tell us people before steroids. | ||
| My family... | ||
| Nobody high-stepped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My family, the Gillis family, owned mushroom farms. | |
| We were mushroom farmers in Delaware. | ||
| Like, what kind of mushrooms? | ||
| Just regular mushrooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Now, allegedly, the old legend goes, a guy delivering corn cobs to the Gillis mushroom farm drove a truck into Biden's wife and killed her. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Oh my god, they did die. | ||
| His family, his wife, and his child. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allegedly, that's how. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| What? | ||
| Man. | ||
| Sleepy Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mushroom truck. | |
| Oh, listen to this. | ||
| Play it from the beginning. | ||
| Rewind it from the beginning and give me some volume. | ||
| That was an interesting story. | ||
| Shane killed Biden. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shane killed Biden's wife. | |
| I thought Joe did it. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What in God's name is Joe Biden trying to say? | |
| It's Australian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No global expression. | |
| Time is money. | ||
| As one computer said, if you're on the train and they say Portal Bridge, you know you better make other plans. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's like watching your friend hit a vaporizer and call his parents. | ||
| They try to break this down. | ||
| They try to break this down like a football player. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One computer said, if you're on the train, and they say Portal Bridge, you know you better make it. | |
| Nah. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Local reference. | ||
| They don't get it in Australia. | ||
| That's a local reference. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It's so easy to see these things now. | ||
| You're like, okay, they definitely don't know what Portal Bridge is. | ||
| That meant something. | ||
| We've seen your bitch-ass antibodies. | ||
| You sure you want to... | ||
| True. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those are Biden voter antibodies. | |
| You got Biden antibodies, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not a voter. | |
| I'm not a voter at all. | ||
| The only way to check this through violent revolution. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Pot? | ||
| Yeah, it's pot, bitch. | ||
| I'm not doing the show tonight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're doing the show. | |
| We have a show in one hour. | ||
| I'm not doing the rest of this fucking podcast. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Don't take it if you're a fucking pussy. | ||
| Yeah, it's California pot. | ||
| Oh, don't pass that over here. | ||
| That's the real shit. | ||
| He did the fucking Clinton. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| He did the Clinton don't inhale. | ||
| I'll go into a full field position. | ||
| Breathe out through your nose, then. | ||
| You don't have to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why are you making me do more hands? | |
| Hand it to me. | ||
| I'm falling for it. | ||
| Yeah, Josh, I had to do it for real. | ||
| I had to do it. | ||
| No, dude, I did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spell it. | |
| Spelling salts. | ||
| That's Gavin Newsom weed. | ||
| That's the new song. | ||
| I'm not going on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Already? | |
| That one little hit? | ||
| Quick comedy. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Just one hit, I'm like, oh, shit. | ||
| I'm alive, but I won't be forever. | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, what is it? | ||
| This takes that away. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| This is immortality. | ||
| Yeah, booze makes you feel good. | ||
| Weed makes you feel bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Did you get it? | ||
| Did you do it right? | ||
| Semen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| I did it too right. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| When you cough. | ||
| Why does your cough get extra high? | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| You let more air in. | ||
| You must know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was always just supposed to try to cough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To open up the capillaries? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| If you cough, it fucking lights you up. | ||
| If we get drugs, you have to do drugs now. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What kind? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Real ones. | |
| Let's do shrooms. | ||
| Who are you even talking to? | ||
| Who knows who's fucking bringing them in? | ||
| Mushrooms are good. | ||
| Dude, Austin's always a big pill town. | ||
| Let's do mushrooms. | ||
| Okay, cannabis mist. | ||
| Does coughing make you higher? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Creates a lack of oxygen. | ||
| The physical act of coughing creates a person to sputter. | ||
| Their lungs compress, creates a lack of oxygen. | ||
| It's this momentary lack of oxygen in the brain that can actually heighten the feeling of cannabis high, making its effects more noticeable and your high seem more intense. | ||
| That sounds like someone who's a scientist that doesn't get high. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it gets you higher. | ||
| It gets you higher. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a myth. | ||
| It gets hard. | ||
| But I wonder if it's... | ||
| Well, the fact that you were coughing means you just took in so much that that's what made you cough. | ||
| It's not always bong hits, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, bong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I used to smoke. | |
| We used to smoke gravity bongs all the time. | ||
| So that was my first experience with weed was just getting launched into outer space. | ||
| Dude, did you go back and watch the early podcasts? | ||
| We used to have a volcano. | ||
| I don't know how this podcast caught on. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It was just us fucking quiet. | ||
| Obliterated. | ||
| We would get obliterated. | ||
| I didn't know what I was talking about. | ||
| And some of the dumbest shit, like when people get in trouble for old clips, I was so high, I didn't even know what I was saying. | ||
| We had a bag, like a plastic bag. | ||
| It would fill up with vapor. | ||
| It's a balloon. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Yeah, it's this thing. | ||
| It's called a volcano. | ||
| Have you ever seen a volcano? | ||
| So you hit the button, and a fan blows, and it fills this bag up, and then you have like a socket, and you press the socket, and it... | ||
| Yeah, it's too much. | ||
| And it's all vapor. | ||
| It's not real smoke, so you don't see a lot coming out of your mouth, so it's deceptive. | ||
| It's a weird high, too, because there's something about the plant fiber. | ||
| The shooting stars. | ||
| Yeah, the shooting stars. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, the shooting stars. | ||
| It's dope, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We spared no expense. | ||
| But there's something about that high is a different high. | ||
| It's like a more confusing high. | ||
| Like, you're not as used to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, the vaporized high. | ||
| And I think you just get way more THC, because I think it's pure. | ||
| It's not coming in on a, like, burning plant rider. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, when you smoke a joint, you see a bunch of smoke come out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So that's smoke you're not getting. | ||
| Those vaporizers, it all goes in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take it all in. | |
| It doesn't hurt your lungs, so you can take a way deeper hit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you just get a... | ||
| I think it's smaller particles, too. | ||
| Maybe it gets in your bloodstream quicker. | ||
| Remember that shit where you'd go with the paper towel holder, the roll, and you'd go up against the wall and go up? | ||
| Remember you'd stand up with the guy who was blowing weed into your face? | ||
| Did you guys do that one? | ||
| Like they smash into your face? | ||
| No, no, no, no! | ||
| You guys are both on your knees, and then you both go up together, and he blows, and you stand up and fall right down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You guys never did that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe it was a southern thing. | ||
| Yeah, it was like a shotgun, but it was a paper towel holder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you would fall down together? | |
| New Orleans. | ||
| Jamie's shaking his head. | ||
| He's an old school stoner. | ||
| You know it? | ||
| That's like a mix of shotgunning, but the thing where you stand up so fast that you pass out. | ||
| Yeah, those are good times. | ||
| Damn, that was wild you were doing that. | ||
| Oh, it was the 90s. | ||
| That's probably what fucked you up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Probably what fucked you up so bad. | ||
| I think the craziest weed visuals are watching people in Vietnam smoking through the barrel of a rifle. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, they smoke weed. | ||
| Like one guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking Asians. | |
| One guy will take a big hit, and he'll blow it through, and the other guy on the other end of the rifle will suck it in, and they do it all the time. | ||
| They were doing it all the time in Vietnam. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Yeah, they would smoke out of the barrel, yeah. | ||
| The best is parties, too, when girls are like, shotguns under my mouth, and you're like, we're making out for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shotgun in your mouth, that's like, yeah, that's step one. | ||
| Yeah, so these guys, they would use their fucking service rifles. | ||
| And we couldn't beat Afghanistan? | ||
| Yeah, so it was a shotgun, actually. | ||
| This was an L. It takes a big hit. | ||
| This was the first Afghanistan. | ||
| And they would use, like, old grandpa pipes. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, which is probably a better pipe anyway. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So, look at this. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| So he blows on it, and the other guy on the other end... | ||
| This was it! | ||
| This is what I was doing at a party! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| So he blows on the pipe, and then the other end is just fucking streamlining into these guys. | ||
| Talk about camaraderie. | ||
| You'll be friends with these guys forever. | ||
| Or 20 minutes. | ||
| Is this your leg or it's Tony's leg? | ||
| This is so ballsy to do this in the middle of the jungle. | ||
| How do you know you're not going to sniper? | ||
| Well, you don't. | ||
| I think they were accepting the warm embrace of death. | ||
| Just running their last days out. | ||
| Probably, man. | ||
| Imagine when you're over there and then you get older and you realize you went over there for no reason. | ||
| For nothing. | ||
| It's about the guy next to you. | ||
| Friends who died, you know, and then you went over there for what? | ||
| Like a fake attack on America that they call the Gulf of Duncan incident. | ||
| The Gulf of Tonkin incident never really took place. | ||
| They pretended that North Vietnamese attacked us, so they had to go over there, and they were fighting against communism. | ||
| So Americans died, and then years and years later, the Freedom of Information Act comes out, and they realize that there was no real event, and then it's just bullshit. | ||
| Do you remember that senator? | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Do you remember that senator? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude, you didn't like that. | |
| You're right. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| I'm like, I get a little high. | ||
| Nice going, Mark. | ||
| Sorry, Joe. | ||
| I didn't want to hurt you. | ||
| What's your problem, Mark? | ||
| I felt it when you did it. | ||
| The reason why it stung is that my story was boring. | ||
| No, it's a good story. | ||
| It's a fun fact. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It stung. | |
| It stung. | ||
| You got me. | ||
| There was a senator who ran on, did a bunch of time as senator, ran on the fact that he was a hero, and then it came out and he was like, hey, I can't hide this anymore. | ||
| I raped and killed a bunch of people. | ||
| Oh, hold on a second. | ||
| You guys missed what Ari just said. | ||
| Say that again? | ||
| There was some senator who was like, he was a Vietnam hero. | ||
| And then it comes out later, he's like, no, I raped and killed a bunch of people. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I wasn't really a hero at all. | ||
| Oh, my God, really? | ||
| He resigned after that. | ||
| He just couldn't take it anymore? | ||
| Yeah, but he was like 20, 30 years in the Senate, I was like this hero, but the whole time it was just like that. | ||
| Yeah, but remember when Al Franken almost touched that lady's boobs? | ||
| That was serious. | ||
| That was for real. | ||
| That's serious. | ||
| Pronouns. | ||
| Not like war. | ||
| He's fucking dorks nowadays. | ||
| Can't take the slightest nothing. | ||
| That was back when Al Franken was a comedian, too, and not a senator. | ||
| He still is. | ||
| And he was on a USO tour thing. | ||
| Yeah, he does the cellar all the time. | ||
| He does the cellar a lot. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| Legitimately? | ||
| Yeah, he has like 45 minutes. | ||
| You don't like when he goes down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hates it. | |
| I love it. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He does too long. | ||
| All these people who bump, they do too long. | ||
| Oh, they bump. | ||
| Why don't they just call? | ||
| He stopped bumping, apparently. | ||
| All you have to do is call. | ||
| All you gotta do is call. | ||
| Aziz started calling. | ||
| I always just call. | ||
| Louie calls. | ||
| Louie gets a spot. | ||
| Everybody gets a spot. | ||
| Why are you jumping in? | ||
| Yeah, you used to always do it. | ||
| He doesn't know. | ||
| He's 80 in the center. | ||
| Ari, you and I have talked about that. | ||
| I've seen you get bumped a bunch of times. | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| I got bumped when I first started, and we talked about it. | ||
| I was like, I'm never doing that. | ||
| I'm not doing that. | ||
| We saw this guy bump four days in a row, and I remember Rogan, already Fear Factor Rogan, like pretty big, going like, I call in. | ||
| This guy, it's his fourth day in a row. | ||
| He knows he's coming. | ||
| Why aren't you calling? | ||
| It's not hard to call. | ||
| It's not hard. | ||
| But it's a thing where you earn that right to bump and you used to watch like all these guys come in and bump and there's a thing that people wanted. | ||
| It was like encouraged in the culture I think before we started talking about it. | ||
| I think it was encouraged to be a guy who got so big that you could bump. | ||
| Everybody wanted to be a guy. | ||
| And there was a few people that would bump that really shouldn't have been bumping. | ||
| Remember those? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Like real fucking fringe on a WB show that no one's watching. | ||
| No one's like, I can't help Frankie tonight! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you gotta follow Frankie? | |
| God damn. | ||
| That's a tough follow. | ||
| He does a full history report. | ||
| He does a long time. | ||
| It was going a while. | ||
| I think he's gotten better, I've heard. | ||
| I think it was just no one told him what the deal was. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| The problem is he was doing senator impressions of guys from the Oklahoma Republican. | ||
| He was like, are you sure of this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the cellar crowd is like 20-year-old girls from NYU. 30% of them know what the fuck he's talking about. | |
| They're just like, I guess that's an impression. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Remember when Dennis Miller would say a bunch of crazy shit that no one could know and people would laugh? | ||
| It would be like the most obscure references about the 1400s. | ||
| He had a tone though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a funny reference. | |
| You had to know what he was saying or you were a fucking loser. | ||
| I'm talking about Arafat, babe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds pretty good. | |
| I was on a plane with Norm Macdonald once just randomly and he sat next to me and he goes, you know, he doesn't even know any of that stuff. | ||
| He's like, yeah, he just fucking finds out and writes it down, and he just says it. | ||
| It's not like he knows it. | ||
| Norm on the Dennis Miller show is unreal. | ||
| Yeah, he's unreal. | ||
| Great clips. | ||
| Of him on Dennis Miller? | ||
| My hero, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Isn't it the most Norm thing ever to not tell everybody that you were dying of cancer and then just die? | ||
| What a G! What a G! What a G! Badass! | ||
| Badass! | ||
| A total norm move, too, right? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Sympathy from everybody. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| He got canceled. | ||
| He got to put that card on the table. | ||
| Cancer, motherfucker. | ||
| And he didn't even tell his best friends. | ||
| He said he was going to Canada to take care of his mom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He didn't tell me either. | |
| He told Adam Egan he's got a big race coming for him. | ||
| He didn't tell Adam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare. | |
| He didn't tell Adam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| That's the last joke. | ||
| Genius comic, though. | ||
| Genius! | ||
| He was so unique in his... | ||
| He expressed himself how he was really thinking. | ||
| Like, he would say something fucked up to you in the green room, he would say the exact same thing on stage. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He had this way of looking at things that was... | ||
| Absolutely unique to him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He bombed a good bit, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| He took chances. | ||
| Which must have been so fun to watch. | ||
| I never saw him bomb. | ||
| Caroline's ones, fucking throwing down one. | ||
| God, it was like he just didn't care. | ||
| I saw the Caroline's, too. | ||
| Didn't care. | ||
| He got heckled. | ||
| He was drinking a Coca-Cola, and he got heckled, and he was like, I don't want to do this. | ||
| I'm just going to go back to my act. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| Completely randomly. | ||
| Just like, don't feel like it right now. | ||
| I could. | ||
| Don't want to. | ||
| Completely randomly, two times in my life, I sat next to him on a plane. | ||
| Just totally random. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| Vancouver runs him at the airport. | ||
| Yep, once in Vancouver and once somewhere else. | ||
| And the last one, he was talking about, yeah, I quit smoking. | ||
| He was telling me how he quit smoking. | ||
| Yeah, it was hard. | ||
| It was really hard to quit, and I did it. | ||
| And, you know, fucking smoking's terrible for you. | ||
| So we land. | ||
| He walks as fast as he can off the plane right into one of those stores and buys a pack of cigarettes. | ||
| And he's opening up it, and he's got one in his mouth as he's out the door. | ||
| He went on for an hour about how it's terrible for you. | ||
| He's so glad he's out over it. | ||
| So I'm outside with him. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| I thought you quit smoking. | ||
| He goes, yeah, but all that fucking talking about it, I wanted a cigarette. | ||
| So was he being funny or was he just a weirdo? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He was just a genius. | ||
| Didn't drive, right? | ||
| Didn't he not drive? | ||
| Just invited people to go do tennis and stuff so he'd be like, pick me up on the way. | ||
| His brain was just wired different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was just wired different all the time. | ||
| But he just decided, well, let's smoke. | ||
| I mean, he couldn't light it quick enough on the way out the door. | ||
| I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Talking about cigarettes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta piss? | |
| No, I was talking about cigarettes. | ||
| I gotta piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll piss. | |
| Go outside. | ||
| I was gonna warn you about that. | ||
| No one's peed in this room. | ||
| Please don't. | ||
| I have. | ||
| I already have. | ||
| Not in this one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I have. | |
| This one? | ||
| The last time I was here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that bucket right there. | |
| There's a bucket. | ||
| There's a bucket. | ||
| You need to have an Archer Memorial bucket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry, you can piss in that ice bucket. | |
| Dude, I had a good one. | ||
| I thought you peed in the other one. | ||
| We all went to a Halloween parade dressed as Batman. | ||
| Me, Sal, Christy, DeRosa, everybody. | ||
| This is a gay story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be back. | |
| I had to pee so fucking bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's nowhere to go. | |
| You're in a fucking... | ||
| Hey! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| You're in a parade. | ||
| Go left. | ||
| And I just used the Batman cape, found a cup on the floor, and just pissed into it. | ||
| I saw the video. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| I liked it on Instagram. | ||
| I was like, oh... | ||
| You gotta make it happen. | ||
| I used to have these kombucha bottles. | ||
| He would fill a kombucha bottle and then he was like, fuck, I can't hold it. | ||
| So we had to run and get him a second bottle. | ||
| Second bottle. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I had to run out of the studio, get him a second bottle and come in. | ||
| And I had to take his warm bottle of piss and screw the cap onto it. | ||
| Because you're a friend, Joe. | ||
| I'm a friend. | ||
| I'm not scared to pee either. | ||
| I know what it is. | ||
| It's not that different from piss. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| That's how Batman pissed. | ||
| Hey, boy, you guys look good! | ||
| We had a 16-person Batman group. | ||
| How shit-faced are you? | ||
| Those were the tool belts. | ||
| We're working tool belts. | ||
| We put shot glasses in them. | ||
| Look at Joe. | ||
| Man, Joe's off-putting. | ||
| He looks so hammered. | ||
| DeRosa was trashed. | ||
| Look how much I filled it up. | ||
| Is that your piss? | ||
| That's my piss. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Now, how do you get rid of it? | ||
| It's shown right here on a fucking sewer grate. | ||
| Oh, that's 6th Avenue. | ||
| I know that. | ||
| That's 6th Avenue, yeah. | ||
| So, kids. | ||
| That's everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're just hanging around with that jug of piss. | ||
| There's a COVID resource link? | ||
| Look at that comment. | ||
| It says, why is there a COVID resource link on this video? | ||
| LOL, it's a guy peeing a cup. | ||
| Somebody said this is his vaccine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Something like that. | ||
| Something that small. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Is there really a COVID? Oh my god, look at that! | ||
| Visit the COVID-9 Information Center! | ||
| Oh my god, that's insane! | ||
| They gotta get their word out. | ||
| So it must be an algorithm. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I hope they're vaccinated. | ||
| It's about the kids I was paying in front of. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Why do they do that? | ||
| They always put a COVID warning on the Instagram videos. | ||
| This might be misinformation. | ||
| Because Christy is fucking making a joke. | ||
| Yeah, let me make a joke. | ||
| Stop putting a warning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope they're vaccinated. | |
| It's like, oh, that's misinformation. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Do you know the UK is about to, well, they're trying to pass a law called, I think it's like the online safety bill. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| I'll Google it here. | ||
| What essentially they're trying to do is they're trying to pass a law where they can put you in jail for, it says trolls. | ||
| Is this Australia? | ||
| If you cause psychological harm. | ||
| All they do is troll! | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I can never Here's the thing, it's so subjective. | ||
| Like, what is psychological harm? | ||
| Now, I don't think this has passed yet, and maybe people are realizing that, but jail time for trolls, and the way they're... | ||
| But they're calling emotional, psychological... | ||
| Obviously physical harm is actually a problem, but I don't know how you do that online anyway. | ||
| You could say you could make a person do something physical to themself, which people have already been convicted of, like cyberbullying through text messages and stuff, telling people to kill themselves. | ||
| People have already gotten in trouble for that. | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| The problem is it's like super subjective. | ||
| The way they're leaving it right now, here's one. | ||
| Knowingly false communications. | ||
| Okay, so imagine... | ||
| But you're tongue-in-cheek! | ||
| Sorry, go ahead. | ||
| Imagine if this was ten months ago when you weren't allowed to bring up the lab leak theory for COVID. And so you wrote it, the lab leak theory is real, and then they put you in fucking jail. | ||
| And then they find out when you're doing two years in jail that actually Fauci lied, it might have come out of a fucking lab. | ||
| To get out of it? | ||
| Yeah, it'd almost be like saying the earth was... | ||
| Remember those people who sued back then? | ||
| Like Galileo with all the shit he had to do. | ||
| Earth's the center of the universe. | ||
| We're ruled by dorks. | ||
| We're ruled by dorks. | ||
| They don't like internet comments. | ||
| We're bending over backwards for the retards in our society. | ||
| That's bad, but this is way worse because This is the potential for the government to step in and say that what you're doing is causing people harm so they can just lock you up and put you in jail. | ||
| So you're making fun of Joe Biden and you're making fun of Joe Biden and people say, well, this causes harm to elderly people because you're talking about old guys shitting his pants and forgetting where he lives. | ||
| If we get to that point where anything people say that's remotely offensive or most of what's on Reddit or Fortune, it's all fun. | ||
| They're saying mean shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's jokes. | |
| Like, and they're doing it to make each other laugh. | ||
| First of all, you're gonna lose Scotland. | ||
| Keep doing this. | ||
| Scotland's gone. | ||
| Because they do a lot of that, right? | ||
| Yeah, Scotland's like, we already won out. | ||
| This is fucking ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy camped Ancula. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, exactly. | |
| I had him on Archer for a Skeptic Take. | ||
| We had a whole thing where he just taught his dog how to do the highlight or to fuck with his girlfriend. | ||
| It's not hard. | ||
| You were grabbing the back of a dog's elbow? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Over and over. | |
| You trained him. | ||
| Smart dog. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then they said, like, you owe us fines and put you in jail. | |
| I'll try it. | ||
| Because they're like, it's harm. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it's great. | ||
| But your dog was never laying on its back? | ||
| You pulled the back of its elbow up? | ||
| Never thought of it. | ||
| Yeah, they go like this. | ||
| They go from here to like... | ||
| Their wrist has to extend. | ||
| So, you know, you get a nice golden retriever or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whitest dog. | |
| Get a German Shepherd. | ||
| That's what I have. | ||
| You're one of the whiter guys I know. | ||
| He's the sweetest. | ||
| They're the best dogs ever. | ||
| But yeah, he got arrested. | ||
| They were cuffing him. | ||
| Arrested? | ||
| They cuffed him. | ||
| He's leaving his house in cuffs after he made his dog- A golden retriever? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He made his pug. | ||
| Count Dagula. | ||
| That's cute. | ||
| He made his pug do the Heil Hitler. | ||
| That's a fun, hilarious joke. | ||
| Listen, he's not saying that Hitler was right. | ||
| He's not saying kill the Jews. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's doing a gag. | ||
| He had some good points. | ||
| What if he made his dog do something that made it look like Genghis Khan? | ||
| Would that be okay? | ||
| That'd be fine. | ||
| Genghis Khan's fine. | ||
| He killed 50 million fucking people. | ||
| Genghis Khan's fine. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Stalin's fine. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| How's that? | ||
| There's a quote, kill a million people and it's a story, kill one person, it's a tragedy. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Statistic. | ||
| He does it the other way around though. | ||
| He does it the other way around. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It says kill one person is a tragedy. | ||
| Kill a million people. | ||
| It's a statistic. | ||
| It's a statistic. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| And it's true. | ||
| It's something about big numbers that weird us out and we lose connection. | ||
| When you think about how big the universe is, your brain just goes, I'm out. | ||
| You know what I did with the big numbers? | ||
| That book? | ||
| That Bloodlands book? | ||
| I'm scared to read that book, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shout out Bloodlands. | |
| It's just a book about what happened between the Soviets and the Nazis. | ||
| In Ukraine and Poland and Belarus and all that. | ||
| But they give you statistics the whole time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And every time, you've got to just visualize a stadium. | |
| Because I know how much a college football stadium is. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You go in, you see 80,000 people, and then you imagine like, today we got killed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how many people visualize humans in college football. | ||
| That helps. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Speaking of stadiums, I'll be at the Wilbur Theatre December 9th. | ||
| I don't know if that's a stadium. | ||
| The Wilbur in Boston? | ||
| I'm doing the Wilbur, yeah. | ||
| That's a great room. | ||
| I did my last special there. | ||
| I fucking love it there. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I did Strange Times there. | ||
| I love it there. | ||
| Well, local boy makes good. | ||
| You know that shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Remember they wanted you to go to Alaska? | ||
| And you're like, alright, they want me to go to Alaska. | ||
| Should I do that to the special? | ||
| And I'm like, what's the other option? | ||
| You're like, best club in the country. | ||
| And you're like, what are we talking about? | ||
| And you're like, yeah, I'm going to Denver. | ||
| And then Comedy Central called me and your manager like, thanks for ruining our vacation, Ari. | ||
| Yeah, they all want to go to Alaska. | ||
| The idea was we're going to film it in Alaska because, like, I want to go somewhere where I never go. | ||
| I only went once there with Ari. | ||
| We went fishing. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| And we went on this, what was it? | ||
| The Bear something? | ||
| Bear theater? | ||
| What? | ||
| Bear claw? | ||
| It's all bear over there. | ||
| Yeah, it was fucking Anchorage. | ||
| Anchorage is surprisingly interesting. | ||
| It's like a bunch of really cool people. | ||
| They're more resilient because they have to deal with ridiculous weather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bears. | |
| They're all runaways too. | ||
| They'll run away from the law and move up there. | ||
| The women are. | ||
| The children are that. | ||
| Horrific. | ||
| Not all of them, man. | ||
| There's some hot broads there. | ||
| And they're like, Hardy. | ||
| That's us. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| When was that? | ||
| That's you and me, buddy. | ||
| Wait, which one's which? | ||
| What year is that? | ||
| It's 435 weeks ago. | ||
| Who's Ari? | ||
| 435 weeks ago. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| That was you? | ||
| 2013, buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn, you look like hell. | |
| What happened, man? | ||
| Look how young you were! | ||
| Well, he was young. | ||
| He looked 14! | ||
| That was 39! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was 39, 38, something like that. | |
| Yeah, that was a long time ago. | ||
| Oh yeah, we had caught these crazy kinks and we saw a fucking moose. | ||
| We saw a moose, yeah. | ||
| We saw a lot of mosquitoes. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It was the worst. | ||
| You couldn't breathe. | ||
| We rented a car and we figured we'll get out of the car and spray ourselves down with the mosquito repellent. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| We fucking opened the car door and there was like a hundred mosquitoes inside the car. | ||
| I'm not going there. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| What about the sunlight? | ||
| When we were there, it never got dark. | ||
| Yeah, it was one of those. | ||
| Whoa, that's weird. | ||
| It was so cool. | ||
| It was three in the morning, we were outside. | ||
| It was like four in the afternoon. | ||
| Did it fuck up your circadian? | ||
| We were there for two days. | ||
| We were there for two days. | ||
| We were drunk the entire time. | ||
| After the first day, we were like, let's go to sleep. | ||
| I'm like, should we walk around a little? | ||
| He's like, yeah, you're right. | ||
| It's fucking midnight and bright light out. | ||
| We just walked around. | ||
| Yeah, you can drink your way out of mosquitoes. | ||
| It's an interesting attitude those people have. | ||
| They're like different humans. | ||
| Because they're Americans, but they're not. | ||
| They live on an outpost. | ||
| They're like cool people. | ||
| They have the same culture, essentially, but they're way more resilient. | ||
| They got Mongol blood. | ||
| They're just hardier. | ||
| And the people that move there are the people that cherish those kind of communities. | ||
| They know how to fucking start fires in the rain. | ||
| Ari's going out to piss. | ||
| Is that how you do it? | ||
| You don't say anything? | ||
| Otherwise he pisses in here. | ||
| I'm happy he's outside. | ||
| I can't believe he's already pissed in this room. | ||
| I thought I was going to preserve it. | ||
| I was thinking that today. | ||
| I was like, I should tell him, don't pee in the room. | ||
| He pees everywhere. | ||
| He is a motherfucker. | ||
| He'll pee in church. | ||
| He's like the opposite of Ellen, though. | ||
| Ellen, everybody thought was a sweetheart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She ended up being a nightmare. | |
| Everybody thinks Ari's a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| He's behind the scenes, a little sweetheart. | ||
| I've been friends with Ari since he was an open miker working as a door guy. | ||
| He still hasn't gotten better at comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How has he not gotten better? | |
| He went a little trupped there. | ||
| How is he? | ||
| How? | ||
| Honestly, this guy... | ||
| I can't do it with the headphones. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| Take the headphones off. | ||
| You had it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari Shaffir. | |
| What a loser this guy is. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| He's 68. He's 70 years old, this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They tell me how old he is. | |
| He can't be this old. | ||
| He is this old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's amazing. | |
| That's great. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's very good. | ||
| We've got to get you and Dunnegan, him doing Biden, you doing Trump together. | ||
| Dunnegan's Biden is impeccable, but his Trump is cartoonish. | ||
| That's like an accurate Trump. | ||
| That's dead on. | ||
| Who's the best Trump impersonator in the country? | ||
| What about James Adomian? | ||
| I think I heard his. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's good. | |
| He's really good at impressions. | ||
| I like Alec Baldwin. | ||
| Oh, you know what? | ||
| Alec Baldwin was okay. | ||
| He was okay until he shot my aunt. | ||
| What the heck did he do? | ||
| He shot a lady on accident. | ||
| That damn armorer. | ||
| Bad stuff all around. | ||
| I'm a firearm enthusiast. | ||
| I know a lot about fire. | ||
| I don't know a lot compared to gun nuts, but compared to regular people, I know a lot. | ||
| You never point a gun at somebody. | ||
| That's the number one rule, right? | ||
| You don't even point. | ||
| If you have a gun, if you're on a set, if somebody... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that? | |
| What was that again? | ||
| I thought somebody else did it, but I was fucking up something. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Oh, I just played it. | ||
| Somebody else was imitating crowd cheering. | ||
| Oh, the other Trump. | ||
| I want to see that. | ||
| You don't point the gun. | ||
| Then you always look at it. | ||
| If someone gives you a gun, you always open up the chamber, you look at it, you always point it down on the ground, you never point it towards a person, and I don't even think a live round is even ever supposed to be on the set. | ||
| There should have been many steps in play. | ||
| Apparently she hated Hillary, that lady. | ||
| Did you see that whole conspiracy thing? | ||
| No, seriously. | ||
| She hated Hillary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull it up? | |
| Oh, you think it was the body count? | ||
| The Hillary Clinton body count? | ||
| Yeah, and she knew all this shit about Hillary, and they're like, oh, she's going to come out with it, and then they shot her. | ||
| Apparently it's the Clinton body count. | ||
| They killed Nipsey, dude. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nipsey Hussle. | |
| They killed him. | ||
| Fauci killed Nipsey Hussle. | ||
| And Ralphie Mae. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Google it. | |
| And Ralphie Mae. | ||
| By the way, dude, that was your metric for I'm not that fat? | ||
| I'm not Ralphie Mae? | ||
| I was on your side. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| You can't come against me. | ||
| I was on your side. | ||
| I'm fat. | ||
| There's only one burger left. | ||
| No, you're not fat. | ||
| You're overweight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're overweight. | |
| Person of size. | ||
| Yeah, I'm obese. | ||
| Yeah, he's obese. | ||
| He's got to be obese, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| BMI. Not good. | ||
| 6'3"? | ||
| I'd have to be like 190 to not be obese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, not be overweight, 190. Obesity is like 225. How do you figure in thick people? | |
| First of all, 98% of people go like, oh, work out. | ||
| Don't work out. | ||
| That's not the issue. | ||
| You're the outlier. | ||
| But how about a person who's born that way? | ||
| Like a Samoan man. | ||
| Samoan men with their fucking wide shoulders, wide bones. | ||
| Those dudes are heavy as fuck just from just living. | ||
| Yeah, but your stomach is not wide-boned. | ||
| My stomach's not that wide. | ||
| How much of your stomach is your weight? | ||
| Let's see it. | ||
| What do you weigh right now? | ||
| Let's shut up, tubby. | ||
| Here's BMA. Holy, that's a lot of numbers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think I have to weigh 160 pounds. | |
| 169? | ||
| This is girls. | ||
| Yeah, I'm obese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| What's the girls chart? | ||
| Oh, BMI. What's the girls chart? | ||
| What? | ||
| No, 6'3", 169 is not obese. | ||
| The chart is nuts. | ||
| No, no, this is not right. | ||
| It doesn't factor in muscle at all. | ||
| What are the colors? | ||
| What matters is your fucking body fat. | ||
| The percentage of your body fat shows if you're obese. | ||
| This one's way wrong, dude. | ||
| 6'3", 169 is underweight. | ||
| That's not obese. | ||
| This is like from the 50s. | ||
| You got a bad one. | ||
| Do you know that an average woman from 2021 is heavier than an average man from 1970? | ||
| I heard that, yeah. | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| I heard that. | ||
| I think I made that up. | ||
| What was the thing you said? | ||
| It's definitely worse. | ||
| There's something like that. | ||
| I might have fucked that up. | ||
| Can you Google that? | ||
| The average woman from 2021 is as heavy as the average man from 1960 or 70? | ||
| It's got to be true. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| People that have extra money for fucking extra food. | ||
| I feel like I fucked something. | ||
| I feel like there's a caveat there that I'm missing. | ||
| Well, McDonald's used to be a treat. | ||
| Now it's every day. | ||
| It probably was different then, too. | ||
| It was different then. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Probably didn't have GMO bread. | ||
| All right, well, look. | ||
| Sorry our empire succeeded so much that we're fat. | ||
| No, we're doing great. | ||
| It's a good sign. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| It is a good sign. | ||
| Fat and our dicks are shrinking. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| Penis sizes are going down. | ||
| Penis sizes are going down? | ||
| I've been doing a lot of research. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's real, yeah. | ||
| Dr. Shanna Swan. | ||
| What, lack of abuse? | ||
| No, it's plastics. | ||
| The use of petrochemical plastics has polluted people's bodies. | ||
| So are you off water bottles? | ||
| Yeah, that's what we started. | ||
| Well, also for recycling. | ||
| Yeah, it's way better for anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, did you do the recycling stuff before you realized your gooch would shrink? | |
| Yeah, way before. | ||
| I realized the gooch is shrinking pretty recently. | ||
| I had a lady on here that freaked me out. | ||
| Well, it's your taint that shrinks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's not like in the next generations? | ||
| It's like your current dick gets smaller? | ||
| It's the children of parents who are... | ||
| The parents get these phthalates in their body, and the woman has the phthalates in their body while the child is inside of her. | ||
| And then the kids are showing developmental issues in terms of their hormones and sexuality. | ||
| Not sexuality, but their sexual organs. | ||
| They're saying that sperm counts have radically decreased. | ||
| Miscarriages have increased. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And the size of men's taints has shrunk. | ||
| Taints? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A taint, apparently, according to this woman, Dr. Shanna Swan, is the best indication in mammals of whether or not it's a male or female. | ||
| Because, you know, they're looking at it. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| You look at the size between the organ, the sex organ, and the asshole. | ||
| And in a male, it's always 50 to 100% larger. | ||
| Well, in male humans, it's getting smaller. | ||
| The same thing happens in animals. | ||
| When they introduce phthalates, these plastics... | ||
| They fuck with your development. | ||
| And there's a lot of them, man. | ||
| Wow, it's weird how little skin is between... | ||
| Showing them your dick? | ||
| What did you just do? | ||
| He was pointing, but it was his middle finger. | ||
| I didn't notice for a while. | ||
| It's weird how little skin is between a woman's vagina and butthole. | ||
| Like, if I was a lady, I'd be way self-conscious about that. | ||
| Right, the woman's taint is much smaller than a male's taint. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| They get one hand in the boat. | ||
| Our taints are all... | ||
| We're eventually going to be like a duck. | ||
| We're going to have a cloaca. | ||
| We're going to have one hole for everything. | ||
| I'd love to have a fat fucking thick cloaca. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| All cloacas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In high school. | |
| Black chick. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Was it you or Dice that had been about fucking so hard you just had one giant pussy and asshole together? | ||
| Oh, that was Dice. | ||
| I think that's Bob Newhart. | ||
| Dyson's a guy, there's a guy who's still doing it exactly the way he always did it. | ||
| You gotta see him right now. | ||
| There is no consideration at all for a changing of the times. | ||
| His material is still Dice Clay. | ||
| He's still doing that character. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| It makes it better. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| When he comes to the stand and he performs there and you just... | ||
| Have you gone down there and watched it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Dude, he'll pull a chair up to the front row and be like, what are you looking at, bitch? | ||
| I'm like, somebody in the front row. | ||
| You're just like, holy shit, dude. | ||
| Mean Dice is my favorite Dice. | ||
| It makes it better. | ||
| Mean Dice is great. | ||
| He used to go on when we were like, no crowd left. | ||
| The comedy store just goes till zero people are there or 2 a.m. | ||
| And there were two people in the audience. | ||
| And he's like, he came in, he's like, yeah, I'll go on. | ||
| I was like, no, there's only two people. | ||
| And he's like, I said, I'll go on. | ||
| He just went on for like an hour for two people. | ||
| Never seen a guy less concerned with how he did on stage. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Never. | ||
| We did that album. | ||
| Him and Hicks. | ||
| Hicks, in the early days, I saw him bomb once, and he didn't give a fuck, but never seen anything like Dyson. | ||
| Dice literally gives zero fucks when he's on stage. | ||
| But is that good? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You want to get laughed, right? | ||
| He does get laughed. | ||
| He would do it for a meta thing. | ||
| He would go to the comics. | ||
| He'd be like, come watch me. | ||
| Let's see how long I can go before I even say anything that makes any sense. | ||
| Just to entertain the four or five people in the back. | ||
| He's like, yeah, so I'm at the thing today. | ||
| And the guy, you know, the guy is always... | ||
| It's like, what are you going to do? | ||
| But anyway, so this guy comes up. | ||
| What do you even say? | ||
| He just keeps it going. | ||
| He went out to a thing where he wanted to go the longest he could without saying anything. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| He wouldn't talk at all. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| Move around. | ||
| Sometimes he would just stare at the people, no one knew what to do. | ||
| He went for minutes. | ||
| He's a great troll. | ||
| They would lock him up in the UK, for sure. | ||
| Psychological harm. | ||
| He had David Taylor open up for him because he was like, they won't like this. | ||
| Anyway, he did whatever he did. | ||
| And then he's like, alright, I'm done. | ||
| But Dice just goes like this, just stretch. | ||
| So he starts doing a Dice-like intro. | ||
| He's like, this next guy is a wonderful comic. | ||
| He's just like this. | ||
| He goes, Shakespeare once said it. | ||
| It just keeps going. | ||
| People start booing David. | ||
| They don't realize what's happening. | ||
| He just goes like, uh-huh, uh-huh. | ||
| Keep stretching. | ||
| He just loved it. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| He loved the mayhem. | ||
| You ever had a bomb? | ||
| What's the worst bomb? | ||
| I bombed in Kalamazoo for 20,000 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| 20 minutes of silence. | ||
| I could hear people like, what is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| 20,000 people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seinfeld? | |
| No, Schumer gig years ago, Kalamazoo, brutal. | ||
| Wait, Schumer's crowd didn't get you? | ||
| Well, it was just, it was like, we started late, but you gotta go on. | ||
| They were half-seated. | ||
| Were they like, this guy's not like a slut? | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of that. | ||
| I came here to talk about being a slut. | ||
| They hated it. | ||
| I'm wasted. | ||
| I want you to do Trump talking to Amy. | ||
| She's a fat pig, she's a disgusting... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Guys, that's Donald Trump! | ||
| That's how Trump would. | ||
| That's not Shane, that's Donald Trump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how Trump would. | |
| Trump, Trump, right, right. | ||
| I think Amy's great. | ||
| This is six Bud Lights in, ladies and gentlemen, I just want to point that out. | ||
| Oh, I'm just joking. | ||
| If I met Amy, I'd be like pumped to meet her. | ||
| She killed, but they hated me. | ||
| 20,000 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, silence. | |
| That is a tough one. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It was a place like that. | ||
| What's the hardest you've ever bombed going after somebody, though? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That's almost like a logistics bomb. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Jessica Kirsten will kill so hard sometimes. | ||
| They don't even know what you're doing. | ||
| They're like, we want that again. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| She kills. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You picked a lady. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She kills! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting choice, Mark. | |
| Alright, let's see. | ||
| Who's a guy that kills that's hard to follow? | ||
| That slays like that. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to think. | ||
| Brad, you can't follow Brad. | ||
| Brad Williams? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| You're too tall. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a different... | |
| You got tall privilege. | ||
| It's like multiple standing ovations. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And then you go on, they're like, who the fuck is you? | ||
| Why did he play his music? | ||
| I haven't seen him do that. | ||
| Music cues aren't fair. | ||
| I followed him once. | ||
| He had confetti and music. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They were doing a show at the Improv. | ||
| I want to say it was like some kind of a festive show. | ||
| There was something about it. | ||
| It wasn't like a regular show. | ||
| But Brad was on stage. | ||
| He was doing cartwheels. | ||
| There was fucking glitter and confetti. | ||
| He was getting shot into the air. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Confetti was or he was? | ||
| Yeah, I think someone was on with him, too. | ||
| I can't remember who was with him. | ||
| But there was like one other comic was on stage with him. | ||
| They were having fun. | ||
| It was like a thing they were doing. | ||
| And I remember walking on stage and I was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| People make a mistake with Brad and with Bridget Everett. | ||
| They're like, well, maybe they're not as big as other comics. | ||
| We'll put them in the middle. | ||
| And it's like, don't do that. | ||
| Put them at the end. | ||
| No one follows Bridget and no one follows Brad. | ||
| Oh, Greer Barnes. | ||
| Greer's a tough one. | ||
| He is the standard. | ||
| Can you follow Greer or not? | ||
| If you can't, then shut up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| I did a lot of gigs with him back in the day. | ||
| We did colleges together way back in the 90s. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a funny dude. | ||
| Funny guy. | ||
| He's been around quite a long time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Solid professional. | ||
| The hardest I've ever bombed was going on after Jim Brewer. | ||
| Oh my god, early in my career, like in the early 90s, Jim and I did this gig outside of the city. | ||
| I forget, like 40 minutes outside the city. | ||
| I forget the town it was in. | ||
| And we did like Thursday through Saturday. | ||
| And Thursday was fine, Friday was fine, Saturday first show was fine, but Saturday second show, he caught a fucking wave. | ||
| And dude, he was... | ||
| You know how you do a whole weekend and you just get loose as fuck? | ||
| You're already four shows in. | ||
| Saturday late show is always the funnest. | ||
| You're in the groove, man. | ||
| That was the most we ever got to perform. | ||
| During the week, you'd get a 15-minute here, a 10-minute set here. | ||
| You'd get a bunch of sets, but to be able to do a solid half an hour in front of a really excited crowd on a Saturday night... | ||
| So I went on after him, and I was terrified. | ||
| And I'm in the back, and he's doing this bit about his mom being drunk. | ||
| No, him coming home, and he's drunk, and he sees his mom. | ||
| And it's a fucking hilarious bit. | ||
| He's murdering! | ||
| And I'm going over all my bits, going, oh my god, that bit sucks. | ||
| That bit sucks. | ||
| I was terrified. | ||
| And I went up and just ate shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Just plates of shit. | ||
| I was supposed to do 45. I bailed at 35. Wow. | ||
| You just feel like sweat. | ||
| You know when you're feeling your feet on the stage like, this is going to be bad. | ||
| You know walking up. | ||
| But it was a wake-up call. | ||
| It was like, you've got to tighten up your shit. | ||
| Sometimes you keep the same act for too long, and you don't do an inventory of it. | ||
| You don't do an audit of it. | ||
| Going, okay, would I laugh at this? | ||
| Do I have these same bits for a long time just because I'm comfortable saying them this way because that's how I've been saying them? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is this the right way to do it? | ||
| What is it like for the audience? | ||
| When you see someone murder and then you bomb and you realize this is a confidence thing, it's also, I don't have confidence in my material. | ||
| Well, why don't I have confidence in my material? | ||
| Because it's not ready. | ||
| It's not right. | ||
| Let's fix it. | ||
| So I had to go through all my shit and fix it. | ||
| They just want the juice. | ||
| They want the peanuts, not the trail mix. | ||
| They don't want all the bullshit, you know? | ||
| Well, they also want... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The audience. | |
| They just want you to be better. | ||
| When you go on after someone that's really good, that was the thing that Mitzi always used to do. | ||
| If you were an up-and-coming comic, she would throw you on after someone who's really good. | ||
| Because it forces you to re-evaluate your act. | ||
| If you're that guy who gets that 915 spot every night, like, mwah! | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| It's easy-peasy. | ||
| Yeah, it's easy-peasy. | ||
| People are, like, a little lubed up. | ||
| You're the third guy. | ||
| It's the best spot. | ||
| But if you're going on after a bunch of murderers, man, and you're a new person, like, you've only been doing comedy four or five years, oof... | ||
| Freddy did this to me once, Freddy Soto. | ||
| Oh, he was a murderer. | ||
| I was getting better and starting to feel confident. | ||
| So he told Eleanor, I was like, I'm going to go bury Ari. | ||
| So he just crushed for 12 minutes. | ||
| And then he was like, hey, please welcome Ari. | ||
| This next guy's great. | ||
| Just eat a dick while he's back there laughing at how bad I'm doing. | ||
| Eleanor, they're all laughing, and I can't get him. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard. | ||
| Comedy used to have more of that. | ||
| Like, let me bury this guy, let me show this guy what's what. | ||
| Well, there's a benefit to both people. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's a real benefit to the guy who gets buried. | ||
| It hurts him the most, but some of my best moments in my comedy career have been growth after bombing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, realizing that I bombed and then going, oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Can't let that happen again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was too painful. | ||
| And also, I knew it was my fault. | ||
| I wasn't prepared. | ||
| I wasn't ready. | ||
| I wasn't amped up. | ||
| I wasn't enthusiastic. | ||
| I took it too light or I was nervous. | ||
| There was a bunch of different factors that it could be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One thing that's nice at the cellar, like, one time I got there and Louie bumped me. | |
| Louie was in the hallway and I was like, ah, fuck. | ||
| The cats? | ||
| Yeah, big Louie cats. | ||
| Fuck down the hammer. | ||
| Louie Anderson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it was Louie C.K. And I got there and I was like, ah, fuck. | |
| I gotta follow you. | ||
| And he was just like... | ||
| That's good. | ||
| The cellar, it's actually kind of nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a small room, so if you follow a famous person, everybody's just happy. | |
| That's what Jay said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole room's just like... | |
| How many people's the cellar set? | ||
| 180? | ||
| No. | ||
| The main cellar? | ||
| Google's nothing. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's 180. Not even close to 180. I think it's Google-able. | ||
| What do you think it is? | ||
| Give it a Google. | ||
| I think it's close to 110. No, I think it's 180. It's small. | ||
| Boston comedy was even smaller than that, if I remember right. | ||
| That was a small room. | ||
| That was a tiny-ass room. | ||
| I bombed in there many times. | ||
| That was a rough one. | ||
| If you didn't get them, I wasn't good enough for small rooms, if that makes any sense. | ||
| I needed a little fake momentum. | ||
| Yeah, bigger crowds are easier, but then if it's too big, it's another animal. | ||
| Right, because then they're not connected to you, so they don't feel bad if they don't laugh. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| 150. But that's a capacity of a round. | ||
| This is not like a fucking census. | ||
| It's gotta be less. | ||
| This is somebody who wrote something. | ||
| It's so small. | ||
| Somebody wrote that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The seller? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Why don't you text the people that run it? | ||
| I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just texted them. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Well, don't get mad at me. | ||
| Liz, yeah. | ||
| How many sellers do they have now? | ||
| They have the Comedy Underground and they have the seller, right? | ||
| And the Fat Black. | ||
| Fat Black. | ||
| Fat Black Side Room. | ||
| What is the biggest one? | ||
| Village Underground. | ||
| How many is that? | ||
| That's 250? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's like a club. | |
| That's our main room. | ||
| Then the comedy star is the OR. Is that where Bobby did his special? | ||
| McDougal's 124. Joe List did his special there. | ||
| 124. Oh, I was way off. | ||
| 124 is nice. | ||
| That's a nice room. | ||
| But it's like you really can't. | ||
| 124 packed. | ||
| That's what Jay said. | ||
| It was like somebody pussed out of following somebody big. | ||
| Like, oh, I don't want to go on anymore. | ||
| And Jay's like, man, they're having such a good time now. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| It's literally the best thing. | ||
| They're in a great mood. | ||
| They're just sitting there. | ||
| They're like, I just saw Louis drop in. | ||
| And then you go on. | ||
| It's important. | ||
| If you want to think long term, it's a stress test for your jokes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| You need to test them. | ||
| There is something, though, that it's like those first two minutes. | ||
| It's not about your jokes later. | ||
| It's like, how do I get this crowd on my side? | ||
| Because if you lose them early, you're done. | ||
| But that's a skill, too. | ||
| Louis was like, you can't bring it up. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| I think you have to acknowledge it. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Louis's never followed Louis. | ||
| No, Louis followed Seinfeld in his prime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So Louis would go on after Seinfeld and be like, how am I supposed to follow that guy? | |
| And then everybody would be like, yeah, how is he supposed to follow him? | ||
| Meanwhile, if you just go up and fucking get into it... | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| I saw Steve Simone follow Louis. | ||
| I saw Steve Simone follow Louis. | ||
| Just go, wow, look how great. | ||
| We just got to see Louis C.K. How awesome is that? | ||
| Moved it right into a bit about like, it's fun going out, but they were on his side because we all thought, oh this guy gets it. | ||
| That's a little different. | ||
| What you're saying is, don't say, how am I going to follow that? | ||
| I had to follow Seinfeld at Gotham, and this is like five years ago, and he was working out new, he had a pad up there, and I went, don't worry folks, I'm going to try. | ||
| And that killed! | ||
| Because he was working out. | ||
| You take a shot at somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you take a shot! | |
| And you're the underdog. | ||
| So they're on your side. | ||
| If you take a shot at someone, that works. | ||
| Look at me, no notes. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And it went well. | ||
| But I saw Phil Hanley. | ||
| It was Rock, Louie, and then Phil Hanley had to go on. | ||
| And he goes, well, you know, the big three. | ||
| And that killed. | ||
| And I was like, that's a smooth way to do it. | ||
| Yeah, that's fine. | ||
| Get him on your side with a joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't have a bullshit joke to start with. | ||
| You gotta be prepared. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta be prepared with a solid bit. | ||
| I mean, not your opening statement, but a solid bit, right? | ||
| I went up to Chappelle at the store once and I just made fun of how dumb he holds a cigarette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| There you go. | ||
| So I'm like, do you just start smoking? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, alright, we're good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Yeah, there's something about those kind of clubs, whether it's the cellar or the store, like, those are so important. | ||
| You can't just have a club where it's like, you know, these comics that grow up, or they come up, rather, in these towns that only have, like, an improv, and they have, like, big-time headliners on the weekend, you know, and they don't have, like, the store was, you could always get a spot. | ||
| You get a spot every fucking night. | ||
| There's three rooms running simultaneously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The developmental ability of a place like that, because you could be doing a set in the belly room for 30 people and then go downstairs and watch Joey Diaz kill in the OR for a packed room. | ||
| Different vibes. | ||
| But you were getting an education. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were on the same circuit as these monsters. | ||
| You got to see Chappelle walk in, and Rock walk in, and Louis walk in, and all these different people go up and kill. | ||
| You got to see Burr do sets there, and you were doing sets in that same club. | ||
| That is immense for a comic's future. | ||
| And then you don't even notice, too, the guys feel like, oh, it's tough to follow Louis C.K., but then the under-discovered comics who are crushers, you're like, god damn. | ||
| Yeah, like Fahim or Dalio. | ||
| Fahim is wildly underrated. | ||
| Yeah, Fahim's great. | ||
| He's very good. | ||
| Very funny guy. | ||
| But you guys grew up with a club in your town. | ||
| I didn't have that. | ||
| Yeah, we came up with... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not really. | |
| I was in Harrisburg. | ||
| But you had a Comedy Zone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I had a comedy zone. | |
| That's something. | ||
| That's something. | ||
| There's a place to go. | ||
| Something is better than nothing. | ||
| You need something. | ||
| Yeah, fuck you, man. | ||
| You know, I grew up in the craziest town ever in Boston. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Privileged. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You got lucky. | ||
| There was no competition there. | ||
| You could fucking rise to the top. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| I really did. | ||
| My parents used to live in Harrisburg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| We talked about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Let me tell you this. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| There's a guy. | ||
| Shout out Heath the Queef. | ||
| Heath the Queef. | ||
| My hero. | ||
| Harrisburg Comedy Zone open mic. | ||
| He had one of the best jokes. | ||
| He said, uh... | ||
| I think a Chinese man... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| Now we realize... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's so funny. | |
| Now you've got to imagine, Harrisburg Comedy Zone, dead, and then there's a guy on stage who's clearly on meth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shout out, Heath to Queef. | |
| And he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Heath to Queef. | |
| He says, I figured out how Barack Obama got his name. | ||
| He had an Asian doctor named him. | ||
| And his mom was on the table and she's like, Doctor, what is it? | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, Oh, it's a Barack baby. | |
| And that's where Shane got his love for Asian humor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that funny? | |
| It's a Barack baby? | ||
| That's great! | ||
| Metzger had a similar joke, actually. | ||
| Metzger and Heath to Queef were on the same wavelength. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| Adderall and meth, they're really close together. | ||
| If you look at them on a chemical spectrum. | ||
| Anyway, sorry that was too long. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| I shouldn't have done those pots. | ||
| There was a guy I started out with who killed a guy with a stick. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, a guy I started out with from Rhode Island. | ||
| He beat a guy to death while we were all doing stand-up. | ||
| That's a closer. | ||
| And then he went to jail for a long time and then came back and started doing stand-up again. | ||
| Wow, he got any time he wanted. | ||
| You go on. | ||
| He got in a fight with some guy and he beat him to death with a branch. | ||
| A branch! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Organic. | |
| Like a club of a tree trunk. | ||
| He hit him with a tree branch. | ||
| He hit him with a piece of a tree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| Well, you gotta think, how many of those guys you started out with were like mental patients? | ||
| Me and Mark were talking about today. | ||
| The crazy different types of people that come together as just like normal friends. | ||
| We are. | ||
| We are. | ||
| All of us. | ||
| This should have never, ever happened. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| We got MMA, we got Jewface, we got Mechanicsburg, and we got NOLA. Yeah, this should have never happened. | ||
| We needed a business for misfits. | ||
| It's a misfit business. | ||
| That's a t-shirt. | ||
| Yeah, and if people want comedy, like, you gotta allow fuck-ups. | ||
| Like, the idea that you want us to act like regular folks is ridiculous. | ||
| You should desire it. | ||
| You should desire it. | ||
| Like, go for it. | ||
| You gotta know that we're not mean, but you gotta understand that, like, what we're doing, the way we're doing it, the reason why we're doing it that way is because it's the only way to be really funny. | ||
| To make each other laugh about shit you're not supposed to say. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you can't take it at face value. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| I mean, Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor. | ||
| Fuck, I've been drinking. | ||
| Rich Voss. | ||
| Carlin was famous for the seven words you can't say. | ||
| That's what put him on the map. | ||
| Did he add the one? | ||
| He didn't have the N-word. | ||
| The eight words you can't say. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you're right. | ||
| There's a bunch of other words. | ||
| Now it's the one word. | ||
| You can't say tranny. | ||
| You can't say tranny. | ||
| You just did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You son of a bitch. | |
| No, when Carl was around, you could say the N-word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| That's why it wasn't in the list. | ||
| You said it on the news. | ||
| You said it on the news. | ||
| What were the words like shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
CNN word. | |
| Wasn't the word shit? | ||
| It was like asshole. | ||
| It was like dick and shit? | ||
| Listen, boys, I'm willing to cancel all my other guests and just do podcasts with you guys to the end of time. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I don't need... | ||
| I'm tired of scientists. | ||
| I don't want to just... | ||
| You're great, Joe, at not leading it too hard that way. | ||
| You're like, let me have some normal people. | ||
| I have to have Both. | ||
| Eric Weinstein, you're boring. | ||
| But that's the weirdest thing about what this is. | ||
| Like, how the fuck is these things all together, you know? | ||
| How is this debates about mRNA vaccines and their fucking... | ||
| And also this. | ||
| I saw Jordan Peterson. | ||
| He did a Schultz's podcast. | ||
| And Schultz's like, I don't know, I'm just telling dick jokes. | ||
| And Jordan Peterson's like, that's important. | ||
| We need that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You bloody need that. | |
| Yeah, he's an interesting guy. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| Both of them. | ||
| I love both of them. | ||
| Both wiggers. | ||
| I love both of them. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| You said it out loud. | ||
| Can you say that word anymore? | ||
| You can still say bigger. | ||
| You can still say bigger. | ||
| Wigger, you can't. | ||
| Wigger is off, dude. | ||
| But no, Schultz is killing it. | ||
| Schultz is that guy. | ||
| I watched him. | ||
| He filmed a special here a couple weeks ago. | ||
| What? | ||
| In the studio? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He filmed a special at the Paramount. | ||
| Oh, not the studio? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a little small. | |
| I mean, intimate's good, but 20 people's weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| All your bodyguards. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just honks, dude. | ||
| Just former. | ||
| Who, the Expendables? | ||
| The fucking expendables out front? | ||
| That's one of the weirder aspects of my life now. | ||
| There was a moment, like, I guess, two or three years ago, I realized I needed to hire murderers. | ||
| Yeah, you used to do it as fun. | ||
| It's like, I need a tater job, who cares? | ||
| Hire a bunch of fucking veterans and bad motherfuckers to watch everything. | ||
| There was a certain point in time where I was like, this thing is getting too weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're too famous. | ||
| Is that a bummer? | ||
| Because fame, I don't want fame. | ||
| It stinks. | ||
| It stinks. | ||
| It's not good if you pay attention. | ||
| But I'm great at not paying attention. | ||
| I'm uniquely qualified. | ||
| I get Reddit and I look at it. | ||
| Same. | ||
| Turns out I'm a fat retard. | ||
| All I look up is on Reddit is shame stuff. | ||
| I'm a midget. | ||
| Listen, don't read it. | ||
| I just do my thing. | ||
| I live my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I actually got to the point where I didn't mind reading it. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a little bit of snake venom. | ||
| A little bit every day. | ||
| And you get a certain amount of tolerance and after a while you get it. | ||
| You don't need to go back and keep getting bitten by snakes. | ||
| It's like you get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Once a year. | |
| And if you're hard enough on yourself, if you're hard enough on yourself, you don't need people to be hard on you all day long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And if you go online, most of what people like to do is shit on people. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I used to like to do it too. | ||
| If I was 15 years old and had a fucking Twitter account, it would have been a disaster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| People are pulling up those tweets to the end of time. | ||
| But it hurts. | ||
| I was an asshole. | ||
| I was a young kid, and I would have been doing it for fun, just like most of the people out there that are shitting on you in the comments on Instagram and Facebook and wherever. | ||
| You don't have to read it. | ||
| Just you pay attention to you. | ||
| Most of them also are the dorks you're trying to piss off. | ||
| Like, the stuff you do with the seller and stuff, you're like, ah, normal people can't take this. | ||
| So you're like, and then some normal person is like, I don't like this. | ||
| Like, yeah, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, normal people, I'm not talking about reading a comment where it's like, I saw him and he was racist. | |
| I'm talking about a dude on Reddit that's fucking in the heart. | ||
| He gets the right part. | ||
| Well, the thing is, those guys... | ||
| Rabbit punches, dude. | ||
| Those guys, but if they nail it, that's why it hurts. | ||
| Because there's something about what they're saying that's accurate. | ||
| But if you know you fucking crushed, and you are really happy with the way the material turned out, and you did a great set, and then someone shits on that, that's on them. | ||
| Not everybody likes Led Zeppelin. | ||
| Some people just want to hear jazz all day. | ||
| You ever see those porcelain documentaries? | ||
| Porcelain or Beige Frequency? | ||
| The stand-up documentaries? | ||
| They're great. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Dude, you just lost your November. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Talk to me. | ||
| There are these documentaries about stand-ups, about stand-up comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Porcelain and Beige Frequency. | ||
| And they're really, really good, well-researched. | ||
| Who made them? | ||
| These guys just make them for internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Like Norton and Jim Jefferies. | ||
| I have seen them. | ||
| They're on YouTube. | ||
| They're so brutal, man. | ||
| They're brutal. | ||
| But they're all dead on. | ||
| They're not taking stuff out of context. | ||
| They're taking stuff in context. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of them. | |
| Now, this is funny. | ||
| I was with my lady, and I D-end him at it. | ||
| When I saw they reviewed my special, I was with my girlfriend, and I was like, you gotta leave the room. | ||
| I'm gonna watch this, and if this is what I think it is, I'm gonna be upset. | ||
| You're a masochist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I watched it, and actually the guy was like, this is pretty good. | |
| That means everything. | ||
| Wow, that's great. | ||
| They're not hit pieces, but it often rests in the negative sometimes, and it's fucking bad. | ||
| The thing about what you would do if you were on the outside is you would do the exact same thing. | ||
| Especially, look, who likes to attack heroes more than you do? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's your favorite thing? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| When Oprah, fucking Whitney Houston went down and Oprah's like... | ||
| Anytime anybody dies, I just immediately go and check Ari's Twitter. | ||
| I'm like, Jesus, sorry. | ||
| How in trouble are you? | ||
| It's because everyone's saying like, oh, I'm so hurt by it. | ||
| It's like, well, shut up. | ||
| How many people knew Chadwick Boseman? | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| I knew Chadwick and I was fucking pissed. | ||
| That bothered me. | ||
| That bothered me. | ||
| That one bothered me. | ||
| He didn't care about you. | ||
| He loved me. | ||
| He DM'd me. | ||
| He was another guy that didn't tell people he had cancer. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| He's another bad motherfucker who didn't tell people. | ||
| He filmed a movie. | ||
| He filmed that Last Bloods movie. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But how lame is it to be like, Guys, he was amazing. | ||
| It's so boring. | ||
| What a boring response. | ||
| But what if someone is amazing? | ||
| What? | ||
| What if someone was amazing? | ||
| It's just too cliche to be like, I love... | ||
| I understand. | ||
| For you as a comic. | ||
| No, some of those guys do hurt when they die, but it's still like, don't say that. | ||
| I'll be honest. | ||
| Norm. | ||
| Norm. | ||
| You didn't shit on Norm, though. | ||
| You didn't shit on Norm. | ||
| You didn't shit on Norm. | ||
| No, I said his last words when it comes to the Ari show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, is that what you said? | |
| That's very funny. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| That's neutral. | ||
| That's in character. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't shit on that guy. | ||
| It's just everyone's... | ||
| It's just so... | ||
| It's like 9-11. | ||
| It's like, was this... | ||
| Yeah, it was sad. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's boring. | |
| I told you about Princess Di once and a lady came after him. | ||
| I'm like, that was 20-something years ago. | ||
| What are we doing here? | ||
| The Amy Winehouse people get mad still. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's fun to watch them get mad. | ||
| Well, you know, if they're on the outside and you're shitting on their hero and they don't even know you, like, who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| Of course they're going to think like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Especially someone like Amy Winehouse, who died so young. | ||
| So fucking talented. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Just couldn't stop drinking. | ||
| You know, she died. | ||
| What are you guys going to look at? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I was looking at fucking Surly Shane. | ||
| That Irish drunk man. | ||
| Surly Shane's going to have to fucking try to grab my dick, for sure. | ||
| He's going to do something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just thinking about how sick Kobe is. | |
| Whatever happened to Kobe? | ||
| He's going back strong. | ||
| In my head, I'm just like, damn, Kobe's the best, dude. | ||
| I remember the through-legs dunk contest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This motherfucker. | |
| Magic Johnson beat him. | ||
| Who would bother you the most if they died? | ||
| What person outside of this room? | ||
| Like a celebrity? | ||
| Yeah, like outside of this room. | ||
| Nobody would know. | ||
| Maybe Jamie. | ||
| Outside of this room, like, where it would really fuck with you if they died. | ||
| I guess my dad. | ||
| Norm was up there. | ||
| Norm was genuinely up there. | ||
| Yeah, I was sad about Norm. | ||
| Sandler. | ||
| Sandler would be brutal. | ||
| Norm stunned me. | ||
| A sudden one is tough. | ||
| But it was a weird one. | ||
| It was like, what? | ||
| Oprah. | ||
| Oprah, I couldn't care less. | ||
| What would Trump say? | ||
| What would Trump say? | ||
| Look at this woman. | ||
| She goes on there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She talks. | |
| She's not that... | ||
| You bail out of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so good. | |
| I'm glad you bailed because you've been stung before. | ||
| Yeah, I have. | ||
| And I've learned. | ||
| I've grown as a person. | ||
| You have grown. | ||
| Adam Sandler dying would be a goddamn disaster. | ||
| Shaquille O'Neal. | ||
| It would have to be somebody doing it right now. | ||
| Larry David. | ||
| In their prime now. | ||
| So then you're like, oh, we're about to get this great new thing and now we won't get it. | ||
| When Michael Jackson dies, that's going to hurt. | ||
| He's already dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Bro, he died a while ago. | ||
| Shaq. | ||
| Shaq's going to be sad. | ||
| Shaq's going to be a tough one. | ||
| That'd be sad. | ||
| But he's so tall. | ||
| He's so lovable. | ||
| I have not met him. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Shaq and Charles Barkley, and Shaq seems like he's like a Great Dane where it's like he's old for as big as he is. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And he's been a big sweetheart the whole time. | ||
| He's got beat up, too. | ||
| He's going to fall one day, and it's going to be over. | ||
| Charles Barkley's a great guy too. | ||
| I love Barkley. | ||
| He's a great guy, like in person. | ||
| You met him? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Super nice guy. | ||
| I met him for 10 seconds at the beginning of COVID. Me and him were the only guys at the airport, gave him a high five, and then I got to my... | ||
| But you can tell when he's talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got to my hotel and they were like, Charles Barkley's getting tested for COVID. Look at everybody look away from my story. | |
| I'm sorry, the moving image. | ||
| Shaquille O'Neal is DJing. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| No one pay attention to Shane's story. | ||
| You just put the moving image on there and Shane's like, fuck off. | ||
| Fuck off, talented comedian. | ||
| We have a video of Shaq. | ||
| Is he DJing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's been DJing. | ||
| This is like comedy. | ||
| It's like anybody who cares. | ||
| He's not a sheriff anymore? | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Paris Hilton is a DJ. I'm watching you on the screen though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie, could you put on, go to Eggstyrone Instagram and look at... | |
| Jamie, don't do it. | ||
| By the way, Eggstyrone, shout out to Eggstyrone. | ||
| No shout out for Eggstyrone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So what this guy does is he puts music to videos that don't fit. | |
| So usually it's like Muslim guys dancing and he puts on hip-hop shit rules. | ||
| That's a great one. | ||
| Ashkenazi Jews dancing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright, now here, not this one. | ||
| Well, this will probably be great. | ||
| Everything he does is great. | ||
| That was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everything he does is great. | |
| Keep that first guy. | ||
| Let me see that first guy. | ||
| Scroll down. | ||
| Shaq Diesel, right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this one. | |
| Play that with audio, please, for me. | ||
| Oh, I've seen these guys. | ||
| They jump on the counter. | ||
| Yeah, but he adds. | ||
| That's Shaq Diesel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Shaq Diesel. | |
| I didn't know that was Shaq. | ||
| I didn't either. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Yeah, he puts music to shit that doesn't work. | ||
| Wait, this is not real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I thought they were going for it. | ||
| It's a rap song. | ||
| Any video you pick is ex-Tyron. | ||
| That's funny, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| I didn't realize it was Shaq on the right. | ||
| What's the real song? | ||
| Who was singing that song? | ||
| That number one with a ball? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It was Blink-182. | ||
| Blink-182? | ||
| They were playing Blink. | ||
| No, that's Fall Out Boy. | ||
| That's Fall Out Boy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sugar... | |
| I'm banged up. | ||
| Bro, we gotta do a show and we have a show that starts in 12 minutes. | ||
| I cannot go on stage. | ||
| You're going on stage. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| I can't go on stage at this point. | ||
| You guys aren't going on stage? | ||
| What are you pussies talking about? | ||
| This is what we do. | ||
| I got a sweatsuit on, dude. | ||
| No, it starts at 8. I gotta get a water in me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get a water! | |
| Suck it up! | ||
| No, they're fucking lying. | ||
| They're joking around. | ||
| They're joking around. | ||
| Are you joking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
8? | |
| 12 minutes? | ||
| I gotta regroup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll go first. | |
| How much do you guys want me to do? | ||
| Well, we got Hans Kim. | ||
| Hans Kim's gonna go first. | ||
| Who the fuck is hot? | ||
| A villain from a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| He's an up-and-comer in Austin. | ||
| Mark, you shouldn't make jokes like that and make fun of me on this show. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| I thought you were over it. | ||
| Come on, can we just do this every week? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mark, you shouldn't make fun of me on the goddamn Joe Rogan experience, dude. | |
| You make me look like a dumb idiot. | ||
| No, we're all fans. | ||
| It's 76 degrees in here. | ||
| Not bad idea. | ||
| One day a week I'll branch off and I'll have a scientist on. | ||
| Oh Joe, we gotta tell ya. | ||
| Let me talk to a scientist, Joe. | ||
| We don't have a place to stay. | ||
| Let me get in there. | ||
| We don't have a place to stay. | ||
| Can we stay at your house? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you want to. | |
| Can we all stay at your house tonight? | ||
| Let me ask my wife. | ||
| Wait, can we actually ask you at your house? | ||
| But I'll definitely... | ||
| I do want to see your house. | ||
| My kids are asleep. | ||
| We're not planning on partying with your kids tonight. | ||
| You're gonna make noise. | ||
| I want to meet the kids. | ||
| Shane snores for sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I'm great with kids. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know you snore, dude. | |
| How do you know? | ||
| I didn't know I snore. | ||
| You got a thick neck. | ||
| I wear a mouthpiece. | ||
| I wear a mouthpiece to keep you snoring. | ||
| You don't snore. | ||
| You put a mouthpiece in to go to bed? | ||
| He snores so bad he had to get technology involved. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I had to. | ||
| I have sleep apnea. | ||
| Before you go to bed, you go, goodnight, honey. | ||
| Yeah, I put my mouthpiece in. | ||
| Like an MMA mouthpiece? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I fuck with it on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't respect women enough to not snore in front of them. | |
| Well, the problem is I don't sleep good. | ||
| I will choke in the sleep in the middle of the night. | ||
| I snore too. | ||
| I have sleep apnea. | ||
| Oh, I'm getting there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can get there. | ||
| Oh, I'm there. | ||
| Did you notice it where you would literally be like... | ||
| Like when you wake up, you're like, oh, I'm out of breath? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Ah, fuck, I'm already there. | ||
| I got sleep apnea. | ||
| I guarantee you haven't. | ||
| I was stunned when I found out how bad I am. | ||
| It's an obese person's disease. | ||
| It's fat people. | ||
| It's mostly fat people. | ||
| Well, you're 75 years old, dude. | ||
| Okay, Reggie White died of it. | ||
| Back in his day, they just died. | ||
| They didn't even know any better. | ||
| They didn't even write it down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how Reggie White died. | |
| I actually wouldn't mind a little bit of sleep apnea as far as me passing away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Congratulations. | |
| You have it. | ||
| I know I have it. | ||
| You definitely have it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm looking at you. | ||
| You have it. | ||
| Joey has it. | ||
| Joey brings a machine with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think I'm Joey Diaz? | |
| No, you're not that bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn it. | |
| Joey has a CPAP machine that he brings with him. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| It changes life. | ||
| My dad does that. | ||
| He sleeps like a baby with that thing. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| My girlfriend's always like, I thought you were going to die. | ||
| It's like that... | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| Do you think you have it? | ||
| I think I have it. | ||
| You got abs. | ||
| Yeah, but I can't breathe. | ||
| At night I snore so loud. | ||
| Sleep on your back. | ||
| The thing is, it's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| Sleep on your stomach. | ||
| It's an anatomy thing. | ||
| It's your tongue and the whole... | ||
| Yeah, fatness. | ||
| Like some guys have a big dick, some guys have a little mouth hole. | ||
| You keep making fun of my weight. | ||
| I'm not making fun of it. | ||
| I feel... | ||
| I'm legitimately concerned for you. | ||
| I'm not making fun of it. | ||
| I think it's fine. | ||
| Dude, you know what we need to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what we need to do? | |
| What? | ||
| Save the park, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You pussy. | ||
| Bro, let's save the park or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm 70. Oh my god. | |
| With his frail bones, leaving a sign. | ||
| You're the guy doing Tai Chi at 4am. | ||
| He's holding up a sign with his bad shoulder and it hurts. | ||
| With none of his antibodies? | ||
| Zero antibodies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Biden voter, dude. | |
| You took the vaccine and it barely worked on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I I haven't gotten it! | |
| The three of us in this room have amazing... | ||
| You didn't get the vaccine? | ||
| I didn't get the virus! | ||
| I think it's fake. | ||
| I think it's fake. | ||
| You have company on Reddit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't like saying the vaccine's fake because that's not the type of guy I am. | |
| How about this? | ||
| The COVID virus is as bad as the Holocaust. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Either it happened or it didn't. | ||
| You might be exaggerating. | ||
| Both aren't real. | ||
| You know what I don't like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Shut up. | ||
| Can I get another BL? Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We gotta hurry up. | ||
| The show starts in eight minutes. | ||
| The show starts when we get there. | ||
| Dude, when I was on the road with Rogan, he would always leave like 40 minutes late for no reason. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| You're exaggerating. | ||
| And then we get to the show, they're like, hey, it's supposed to start five minutes ago. | ||
| And Joe's like, hey, they're not gonna start without us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
| But I go in and be like, you're on right now. | ||
| Hans Kim can stretch. | ||
| It's a little bit of an exaggeration. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| I didn't want him to freak out before the show. | ||
| I'm like, it doesn't matter. | ||
| We're here. | ||
| We're the show. | ||
| And when we started doing theaters, especially, they always started late. | ||
| They never see people on time. | ||
| What are you, a black comic? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| We've got a show to do. | ||
| I'm there on time, but I know the show's not going to start at any time. | ||
| You've got to watch what you say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| Some of the stuff you said tonight has pissed me off. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| He's on number eight, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Bud Light number eight. | ||
| This guy's having fun, dude. | ||
| Dude, he just gets them. | ||
| They just pile up. | ||
| You don't even know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I like how he's in, like, an IV drip of alcohol, essentially. | ||
| And then I'm like, I like to take it in fucking pill form. | ||
| It gets done right away. | ||
| I mean, whiskey form. | ||
| Bud Lights are barely booze. | ||
| The Shane Buzz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what they say. | |
| And then you drink ten of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's the move. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| You guys do IVs? | ||
| Why don't you guys move here, please? | ||
| I'll move here. | ||
| Open that club. | ||
| I'll move here. | ||
| It's on the way. | ||
| We're gonna see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's on the way. | |
| Get it. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's a keeper. | ||
| That's like a little trumpet. | ||
| That's a keeper. | ||
| That's why we do this. | ||
| A lot of guys get excited about fucking your butt after hearing that. | ||
| They're like, that is a tight little trumpet. | ||
| Bring it on, gays. | ||
| Some bitch scientist is gonna be on that mic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you thought about this? | |
| Some bitch scientist. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| Elon Musk on this mic. | ||
| We're going to put a plastic bag over that and seal it until the next time you're here so you can smell your own fart. | ||
| I wish Bernie Sanders had smelled that. | ||
| Jamie, buy an extra mic so that no one uses that mic ever again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I will never get the scientists. | ||
| You're going to ruin my business model. | ||
| My fourth fart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need to tell you about this. | |
| No, give me Trump. | ||
| I thought that was Trump. | ||
| Trump it! | ||
| No, Joe, it was pussy Trump. | ||
| Give me Trump with scientists. | ||
| Joe, there's a lot of scientists out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's these guys that come in here, they talk to you, they don't know what they're saying. | |
| They talk to you about getting pussy. | ||
| I get pussy a lot of guys. | ||
| When you're drunk, he gets better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, true. | |
| Trump gets better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'm a little more... | |
| You know that Trump dating thing? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know the chick who's into him? | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| That's my social media manager. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| I wonder if Trump has seen your Trump. | ||
| I wonder if Trump has seen my Trump. | ||
| I bet he has. | ||
| I bet he has. | ||
| I hope he has. | ||
| We made a video called... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me and McKeever worked for this guy who's a... | |
| I'm not gonna name... | ||
| Russell McKeever? | ||
| Anyway, we made a video and Don Jr. retweeted it. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| We made one sketch and we were like, let's not make it political. | ||
| Immediately, Don Jr. retweeted it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| I guess it was. | ||
| Don Jr. and I had a mutual friend. | ||
| And he committed suicide. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, man. | |
| You keep doing that. | ||
| Is it the same guy that jumped off that bridge? | ||
| Different guy. | ||
| A lot of guys killing him. | ||
| Yeah, I know quite a few guys. | ||
| Are they Clintons? | ||
| Joe, you aren't with the new Clintons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or are they killing themselves? | |
| No, this guy, unfortunately, did himself in. | ||
| But Don Jr. is very online savvy. | ||
| It's hilarious when you watch the son of a president who is making shit jokes about the vice president. | ||
| Pull up his page. | ||
| He's got a meme about Biden farting. | ||
| Remember, this is a guy who's very politically visible, right? | ||
| He's the son of the President of the United States, the most polarizing president ever. | ||
| And this is the kind of shit that he puts on his Instagram. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| It's Joe Biden standing next to the Pope, and the Pope says, was that a fart? | ||
| And Biden says, some of it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, how crazy is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who are these people that liked it? | |
| Who's Ricky... | ||
| 294,000 people? | ||
| You go get an audit. | ||
| No, but who's Ricky Bell... | ||
| James Vick is a dude who used to fight the UFC. Shout out to James Vick. | ||
| Shout out to James Vick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dad would literally jerk off to that meme. | |
| That would make my dad... | ||
| Probably, by the way, made in Russia. | ||
| That meme? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the thing about a lot of these memes that people don't know. | ||
| There's a thing called the Internet Research Agency in Russia. | ||
| The Russians are hilarious. | ||
| A woman that's been on this podcast named Renee DiResta, and she did a deep dive into this thing. | ||
| She found hundreds of thousands of hilarious memes, and they had come out of Russia. | ||
| So all these memes shitting on Hillary Clinton, and a lot of them you get that are hilarious, they're made in Russia, and they're made to sow the seeds of dissent. | ||
| That they're so funny that they're divisive. | ||
| Where are Russian comedians? | ||
| They're obviously hilarious. | ||
| Well, it's a different style of comedy. | ||
| Like, meme style is so different than stand-up. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's so different. | ||
| I've never made a single meme. | ||
| I made a couple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're fun. | |
| Have you made a couple? | ||
| Yeah, you make a meme. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's a style of thinking, though, that you don't... | ||
| You could be a guy in a cubicle... | ||
| Good analysis, Shane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you make a meme. | |
| It's pretty good. | ||
| And they look at us for expert analysis. | ||
| Beer number 10. Look at this fucking pile. | ||
| We go so fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some of them are from the Russians. | |
| A lot of people are saying the Russians are making the memes. | ||
| I don't think Russians have comedy clubs. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| That's a very good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Russia, Moscow, Gaffigan, and Tom Rose. | |
| Schultz went to Russia like a fucking gangster and just did stand-up and wasn't even sure if they could speak English. | ||
| Schultz has been everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's pretty Schultz-like. | |
| That's Schultz! | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's such a great guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like Schultz. | |
| What are you doing with your fingers? | ||
| He's trying to get him sniffed. | ||
| I'm getting rowdy. | ||
| Ari, you might have to fight him. | ||
| That's him on stage in front of a bunch of Russians. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Schultz will go anywhere, and he sells out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| I love that he did it. | ||
| In Russian culture, it's very disrespectful to slap the mic against your thigh. | ||
| I thought that's Chappelle's gig. | ||
| Chappelle fucked that up for everybody. | ||
| Every black comic. | ||
| Look how Russian that crowd looks. | ||
| White crowd in Russia. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Looks like a bunch of fucking pale assassins. | ||
| Well, they're Russian. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of ladies, too. | ||
| That's a great club, by the way. | ||
| Look at the fucking dynamics. | ||
| That's what you want. | ||
| Can we get the name of that club? | ||
| Do me a favor, Jamie. | ||
| Take a screenshot of exactly that and send it to me, because that's the perfect size stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| I want to say this. | ||
| Yeah, I'm setting up my new club. | ||
| Oh, for the thing. | ||
| Do it in Trump. | ||
| You think you said Chet? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Chet Hanks? | ||
| I don't know what you're going to say. | ||
| We'll talk tomorrow. | ||
| I'll show you what we need to do and what's going to happen, but it's pretty awesome. | ||
| It's going to be amazing. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| I'm fucking pumped. | ||
| No, but there's one that's nearby that I have a membership to. | ||
| Let's drink and go. | ||
| Well, we have to do a show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been thinking about buying an MPX ever since you and me went to that fucking... | |
| I took Shane to Pterodactyl. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| In LA? We shot guns. | ||
| Pterodactyl? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You guys were in LA together? | ||
| He was in LA and I said, what are you doing? | ||
| I said, you want to shoot guns? | ||
| He's like, fuck yeah. | ||
| So I took him and they taught him how to shoot guns. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| No, because I think less of you than most people do, so it's like a negative thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like shooting guns and then he said, let's shoot guns. | |
| Shit, it was cool. | ||
| Fuck, you're reading into it. | ||
| But he got a chance to do a whole... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll kill you with a gun, dude. | |
| You lucky there's not a gun here, dude. | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| Where would you shoot him? | ||
| The Mozambique. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| The Mozambique. | ||
| That's what it's called, that move? | ||
| I would fucking kill you with a gun. | ||
| It's two to the chest, one to the head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| That's the Mozambique. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how you would be treated by me, with a firearm. | |
| Wouldn't you feel like a stupid-ass idiot? | ||
| You wouldn't do it. | ||
| I'll treat you like fucking Gomez will treat Ellis. | ||
| Fucking knock you down. | ||
| $1,000. | ||
| What am I going to spend it on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ellis is about to fucking rain terror on Gomez. | |
| Give me that $1,000. | ||
| I want it in once. | ||
| What am I going to do with that $1,000? | ||
| I should donate it. | ||
| I drank enough to be back on Lewis. | ||
| If you donate something I hate, I'll be so mad at you. | ||
| I'll donate it to get rid of the East River Park. | ||
| Damn it, Joe. | ||
| I'll donate it to the real estate developers. | ||
| They're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Let's put all the houses there. | ||
| Buy the park! | ||
| Joe, you buy it. | ||
| Joe, buy the park out! | ||
| How much is a park? | ||
| How much can you get a park for? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can do it, dude. | |
| You've got to call de Blasio and get it. | ||
| Get a piece. | ||
| Call de Blasio. | ||
| Imagine if that guy becomes president and treats the United States. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's not. | |
| He can't. | ||
| He can't. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Look who's president. | ||
| Look who's president now. | ||
| He didn't get ousted. | ||
| He did two terms as the mayor. | ||
| And he wasn't allowed to do more? | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| I don't know, but he's not the mayor anymore. | ||
| He's got like a couple of months left. | ||
| He's basically a lame duck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Biden is the biggest fucking government agent in the planet. | ||
| He's the president of the United States of America. | ||
| Pretty sweet. | ||
| And he can barely talk. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If Joe Biden was here right now, I might give him a knuckle sandwich. | |
| Dude, you should. | ||
| What would you say to him? | ||
| If you were Trump and you were talking to Joe Biden? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, this guy. | |
| What a failure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a failure. | |
| Why is that, John? | ||
| I feel like their sons would get along. | ||
| Do you think he pooped his pants? | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| A lot of people say he pooped his pants. | ||
| He went to the Vatican. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Pope? | |
| More like the poop. | ||
| That's what we said. | ||
| A lot of us had a lot of jokes about that. | ||
| Poop Benedict. | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
| Both their sons are cokeheads. | ||
| Yeah, they would get along. | ||
| That's an interesting point. | ||
| I don't know if Don Jr. is a cokehead. | ||
| Do you think Don Jr. is a cokehead? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I didn't say that. | ||
| I bought it off him. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I don't think this is a true story. | ||
| That's probably true. | ||
| They do look like they do not do well. | ||
| Let's hope he doesn't get litigious. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Is nothing wrong with being a cokehead? | ||
| I don't think he's a cokehead. | ||
| No, nobody's a cokehead. | ||
| But Biden's kid likes to party. | ||
| I'm telling you what. | ||
| If I had to choose one dude to go to New Orleans with, it would be Biden's kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hunter Biden? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| If there's a fucking president's son that's ever lived that I want to hang out with, it's Biden. | ||
| I try to get him in here. | ||
| What? | ||
| Hunter Biden? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's an artist. | ||
| He's got to get Hunter Biden. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Wow. | ||
| That would be good. | ||
| He'd be like, I trust you. | ||
| Show me a good time. | ||
| Well, this is what I would say, honestly, and this is my thought going forward, if he ever listens to this. | ||
| I'm not trying to make you look bad. | ||
| No, you never do that. | ||
| I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be the son of a president, and I'm not going to ask any embarrassing questions about money. | ||
| I want to know about your art. | ||
| I want to know about... | ||
| Your art. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a great artist. | ||
| You're interested in his art? | ||
| No, he's selling a shitload of money. | ||
| If he wasn't the vice president's son, you wouldn't be interested. | ||
| Of course I would be because he's the vice president's son. | ||
| He's selling art for like $100,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, he's the president's son, not just the vice president. | |
| Oh, did I say vice president? | ||
| Vice president and then president. | ||
| How dare you disrespect the highest office. | ||
| You don't believe it's democracy. | ||
| I'll come over there and give you a cheap leg kick. | ||
| Look, his art fails to attract visitors after sparking controversy pricing one of his paintings at $500,000. | ||
| Why wouldn't he? | ||
| Hunter, holler at your boy. | ||
| We can fix this. | ||
| Man, he's got beautiful eyes. | ||
| He's a handsome man. | ||
| What if he had to do blow on his side and come back every 20 minutes? | ||
| He likes to party. | ||
| He's got coke lips. | ||
| They're all dried out. | ||
| He did a little coke. | ||
| He likes to party. | ||
| But I'm not angry. | ||
| I don't want to attack this guy. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| It's not his fault that his fucking dad used to be the vice president and then became the president. | ||
| It's not his fault that he got hooked on coke like a lot of friends that I have that have been hooked on coke. | ||
| Wasn't there more damning things other than coke? | ||
| There was a laptop with some fucking... | ||
| What about wives of brothers or something? | ||
| Yeah, there's a little bit of that. | ||
| Listen, dude, they're Illuminati. | ||
| But that's you! | ||
| You wouldn't be in here for that episode. | ||
| Listen, if anyone wants to find that information out, you can go online. | ||
| I want to find out, like, what is it like to be that guy. | ||
| That's my take on things. | ||
| Anybody can talk scandalous and make them uncomfortable. | ||
| I want to make them comfortable. | ||
| I want to know, like, look, you're a human fucking being. | ||
| I would be him if I was in his life. | ||
| So would you, so would you, so would you. | ||
| We would all be him if we were born in that fucking family. | ||
| I'd still be jacked. | ||
| I'd be jacked no matter what. | ||
| And then I'll keep it quiet. | ||
| The sons of powerful people. | ||
| Look at Chet Hanks. | ||
| He's fucked. | ||
| It's not a lot of good... | ||
| Chet Hanks is fucked. | ||
| It's like that old expression. | ||
| Yeah, he does a lot of rapping. | ||
| Chet Hanks is not fucked, dude. | ||
| White boy summer. | ||
| Chet Hanks. | ||
| Shout out, Chet Hanks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn rude boy. | |
| Damn real rude boy, Chet Hanks. | ||
| I like him. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I think he's good. | ||
| A matter of if Chet Hanks got together with the Island Boys and they made a fucking LP and it went number one? | ||
| It would go number one. | ||
| It would go number one to signal the end of society. | ||
| I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. | ||
| It's gonna happen. | ||
| By the way, Hans Kim is shitting blood right now. | ||
| He's at the show. | ||
| He's been working with me for a long time. | ||
| The show starts at eight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, we're good. | ||
| How far is it? | ||
| What have you been saying about me all this time? | ||
| The show will start when we get there. | ||
| The show will start when we get there. | ||
| I didn't really mind with that. | ||
| James up first. | ||
| They're waiting on him. | ||
| Listen, Ari. | ||
| You think I'm first? | ||
| I thought you said that. | ||
| We made this work with you. | ||
| We ran shut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We made this work. | |
| That was a Josh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just joking. | |
| He seems like a fun guy. | ||
| Okay, stop this. | ||
| Stop this right now. | ||
| I'm terrified that that could be my son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's joking. | |
| Wait, you have a son? | ||
| No, but if I had one, what if he was like that kid? | ||
| I was going to say, I got turned on. | ||
| I watched the interview with him. | ||
| You got turned on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see him talking about Biden? | |
| No, but he was doing the thing. | ||
| He's like, oh, everybody, I need you to get your vaccines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need you to do that in the honor of President Biden. | |
| Fuck that damn blood clot, President Biden. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| If this was a weekly show, it would be the biggest show in the fucking country. | ||
| This would be a fun one. | ||
| It would be the greatest show in the country. | ||
| What we should do is figure out a way to stop on our way somewhere. | ||
| I'll fly you guys in any time you want to do it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's a big offer, Joe! | ||
| Easy, Joe Joe Rabbit. | ||
| Let me know. | ||
| We take those Delta pre-choosing seats. | ||
| That's news radio money. | ||
| Any time. | ||
| Any time. | ||
| I got hardball money. | ||
| Are we staying at your place or not? | ||
| I was like, hey, we're going to be in Houston on this day. | ||
| Can we sleep at your house? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I sleep at your house? | |
| If everyone knew in advance, the problem is I couldn't have you snoring and my fucking 11-year-old comes running into my room. | ||
| Daddy, where's the gun? | ||
| My 11-year-old knows how to shoot a gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I sleep at your house? | |
| Jamie, your place? | ||
| If my kids knew... | ||
| Can I sleep at your house? | ||
| Listen, my kids will shoot you, and I'm not kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the heck? | |
| They're going to shoot me? | ||
| If they didn't know you were in the house, and you were in the house in the hallway, they'll fucking shoot you. | ||
| Why the fuck are your kids shooting me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't know you. | |
| They don't know you. | ||
| They're trained. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell them I'm coming. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| You're a big white guy who snores. | ||
| It's not going to end well. | ||
| If you were black, it'd be all right. | ||
| You thought his middle name was tactical. | ||
| Can I sleep in the guest room? | ||
| You can sleep in the gym. | ||
| I can lay out some sleeping bags in the gym. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| That's all we need. | ||
| I've slept in worse. | ||
| We're like refugees at the border. | ||
| I would tell you as soon as I automated this off, I was like, hey, we're going to be in Houston on the third. | ||
| Any interest in having a podcast on the second? | ||
| Joe's like, yes, I'm in. | ||
| Lock it up. | ||
| Put it in your calendar right now. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah, I was ready to cancel anything that was in the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Some dork scientists? | ||
| I'll fly those dork scientists in next week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bring the dork scientists out here. | |
| I'll give them a knuckle sandwich. | ||
| Fuck your cure for cancer. | ||
| You can bring your mom. | ||
| You can bring your wife. | ||
| I'll give you a vacation in Austin. | ||
| I just need to do this. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| That's the thing that I miss the most about comedy is hanging with comedians. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| You hear that, Lex Friedman, you fucking nerd? | ||
| Take the suit off! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't like Lex Friedman? | |
| I love him. | ||
| We texted earlier. | ||
| He actually sent me a text about you, about how funny you were. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Do you want to punch him in the belly? | ||
| No, I think he could fuck me up. | ||
| He does jujitsu. | ||
| He does it in a full suit. | ||
| Yeah, you're a black belt in sucker punches. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| I whizzed myself. | ||
| He's experienced it. | ||
| Sucker punches? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Did you guys wet the bed ever as a kid? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| We did a whole podcast about it. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Builds character. | ||
| There's a feeling when you're a kid when you are in a dream and you move up to a urinal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's all it is. | |
| Every time. | ||
| And then you realize you're not reeling. | ||
| You're like, oh shit, I'm sleeping. | ||
| Oh fuck, this again. | ||
| That's what R. Kelly was doing. | ||
| Were you a bedwetter? | ||
| I definitely have pissed the bed. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Do you think R. Kelly was sleepwalking this whole time? | ||
| The whole time. | ||
| He was dreaming he was peeing. | ||
| And then the lady was in his way. | ||
| Kid urinals? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some girl was in his way and he was urinating. | ||
| It's their fault. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think in R. Kelly's dreams he pisses on this short urinal? | |
| Oh, that's a little lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Her face was a urinal kick. | |
| He was hitting the bullseye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, a midget. | |
| You ever hear this fucking... | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Trapped in the closet? | ||
| So good. | ||
| Trapped in the closet is good. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| But it's not as good as that. | ||
| Do you have your shots? | ||
| Are you vaccinated? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Do you want to come to... | ||
| You have to be vaccinated, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To go where? | |
| To Rob's house? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Do you want to come to Rob's house? | ||
| Do you have your shots? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| That was different. | ||
| He meant like, you know, like hepatitis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you want to come to America? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, do you want to come to America? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Come to America to live at Rob's house! | ||
| Real talk is one of the greatest things that's ever been done. | ||
| And because he's going to jail, we could probably play it. | ||
| No. | ||
| Real talk. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. | |
| Real talk. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Sanjay Gupta. | ||
| You never seen this? | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| We're going to close it out on this. | ||
| I just want to say to everybody listening, I'm the luckiest person that's ever lived. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| Because I... Play that. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I said it was behind the scenes. | ||
| I wanted to make sure it was the right one. | ||
| No, that's the show. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's misleading. | ||
| It's misleading. | ||
| I just wanted to make sure. | ||
| It does have six main movies. | ||
| It starts with this, and then it... | ||
| This is how it starts. | ||
| He starts about smoking stogies and talking and explaining. | ||
| That's what we're doing. | ||
| And then the music plays. | ||
| We're R. Kelly. | ||
| Back it up a little bit. | ||
| We're R. Kelly. | ||
| I just wanted to make sure that we didn't skip it. | ||
| Just give me four R. Kelly's. | ||
| Having fun. | ||
| Listen, by no means do we endorse any of the atrocities that R. Kelly has made. | ||
| Atrocities? | ||
| Joe does not speak for me. | ||
| You're talking about guys having fun? | ||
| I speak for Spotify. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| I've peed on many kids in my day, but I was letting the bed. | ||
| Let's just go right to the song. | ||
| I've lost control of the crowd. | ||
| Look at his hair. | ||
| His hair is all over the place. | ||
| He's smoking stogies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's doing it for the fans. | |
| You forgot to take the sticker. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The glasses say Gucci, so everyone knows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Here it goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With who? | |
| Uh-oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was dwelled. | |
| It gets better. | ||
| Hold, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen to this. | |
| This doesn't look like a dungeon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Established. | |
| What's wrong? | ||
| Oh, she's doing his hair! | ||
| Real talk. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen to this. | |
| Wait for this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smoking and drinking and kicking. | |
| Is that a house bomb? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did she say there were other guys there? | |
| Did she say there were other guys there? | ||
| Were there other guys there? | ||
| Well, tell me this. | ||
| How the fuck she know I was with them other girls? | ||
| Let me finish what I've got to say. | ||
| Oh, she's interrupting him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been with you in five years and you're listening to your motherfucking girlfriend. | |
| I don't know why you fuck with them old jealous nomads. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Real talk. | ||
| Imagine this guy just on the phone with his friends like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just playing cards. | |
| Go to a private area. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't you try to have a good time, dude? | |
| Bullshit on my mind! | ||
| Every man can relate to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You listen to this. | |
| What year is this? | ||
| It's the 80s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| We've played this on the podcast about 100 times. | ||
| Look at that keyboard. | ||
| 2005. What is this? | ||
| Are they playing dominoes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Alright, for real, let's give a shout out to R. Kelly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is my favorite part. | |
| He tells, bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. | ||
| Do they get Spotify in jail? | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| They might smuggle it in their ass. | ||
| Lori Loughlin's having a good time. | ||
| We should probably get to our show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You call my mama's house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Stretch. | ||
| Someone's stretching. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mark Kelly is the best. | |
| Listen to this. | ||
| This is not even a song. | ||
| It's just a phone call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's better. | |
| It's better. | ||
| You ain't got a word about me no more. | ||
| And the next time your ass get haunted, go fuck one of your funky ass friends. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| OK. | ||
| What's this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. | |
| I wish you would. | ||
| That's it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman, I love you. | |
| Shane Gillis, I love you. | ||
| Mark Norman, out to lunch on YouTube right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari Shaffir, I'm apathetic about your existence. | |
| I love you all. | ||
| I love everybody listening. | ||
| Go see these guys. | ||
| Tomorrow? | ||
| No, it's way sold out. | ||
| It's way sold out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're trying to scout some tickets. | |
| Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Ari Shaffir, find them on social media, and we're going to try to get them to move to Texas. |
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