Sept. 28, 2021 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:06:22
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember the bit either, but there's a few bits that you go as a comic. | |
| I was just talking with Joe Coy about this, where you get inspired by the comics, where you go, God damn, man, I'm not working hard enough. | ||
| I'm not doing enough. | ||
| That's why it's good to see people that are really good, right? | ||
| Because you get that juice. | ||
| Just like that fuel that you get from Goggins, you get that fuel from watching Chappelle or watching Bill Burr. | ||
| Or watching you guys all touring and doing these big shows. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| It's exciting. | ||
| But we have to resist the idea of being jealous because it's so common in our world. | ||
| Or just subtly cunty or taking shots at kings. | ||
| Tom and I talk about this on Two Bears, One K that's coming up. | ||
| But Chris Rock got so big for a while that I think people stopped paying the respect he deserved. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And when he got COVID, I realized just how important Chris Rock was to me. | ||
| Because I think Norm had just passed, and I was the biggest Norm fan in the world. | ||
| And then Chris Rock got sick, and I did a deep dive on my own head of just how fucking great that guy is. | ||
| Well, if you go back to, like, Bigger and Blacker, or you go back to... | ||
| Bring the pain. | ||
| Those are two of the best specials of all time. | ||
| Like, if you want to look at your top ten comedians of all time, in my opinion, you have to have Chris Rock in there. | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| There's no questions about it. | ||
| You know who's the dark horse? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Give me a second. | ||
| I have a lot of dark horses, but I don't know... | ||
| Martin Lawrence. | ||
| Martin Lawrence in the 1990s. | ||
| So... | ||
| People forgot. | ||
| You Must Be Crazy? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Are You So Crazy, rather? | ||
| You So Crazy? | ||
| And he had, like, a couple other specials that were on that same level. | ||
| He had, like... | ||
| Two or three specials that were like lightning bolts. | ||
| And it's hard because you've got to compare them for the time. | ||
| Comedy is a weird thing, man. | ||
| Even comedy movies from the 80s or 90s that you thought were the shit, some of them just don't hold up for whatever reason. | ||
| And stand-up comedy, a lot of it just seems different because the culture is so different. | ||
| Everything's evolving and changing so fast. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| But... | ||
| There's a few guys from the 1990s that would just obliterate, like you forgot how good comics can be. | ||
| And I remember I saw Martin Lawrence at the Comedy Store many times, like seven, ten times when he was in his prime. | ||
| Somewhere around then, I remember he would come by and just sell out the main room and you would just sit there and watch him murder. | ||
| I mean murder. | ||
| I wish I'd seen that. | ||
| Like people falling out of chairs. | ||
| I mean screaming in agony because they're laughing so hard. | ||
| And it was, you know, this was 1994. Martin Lawrence was the king, dude. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| The thing that Chris Rock brought, and once again I'm- But hold on, let me tell you something before we go any further. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the things that happened to Chris Rock was he had to follow Martin Lawrence. | ||
| At the store? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They did a show together. | ||
| And Chris Rock talked about it. | ||
| He talked about how it forced him to tighten up his act. | ||
| Because he had to follow Martin Lawrence. | ||
| And he realized, no disrespect intended, white people. | ||
| He realized that he said that he'd been playing in too many white rooms. | ||
| And he realized he had gotten a little bit lazy or maybe a little slower than he should be. | ||
| Whatever, he had developed a style that maybe wasn't... | ||
| He saw Martin crush, and then he had a hard time after him. | ||
| And then after that, you get some of the greatest Chris Rock performances of all time. | ||
| After that, you get Bring the Pain. | ||
| After that, you get Bigger and Blacker. | ||
| After that, you get some of the greatest bits ever. | ||
| So he... | ||
| Like, every time you've bombed... | ||
| How many times... | ||
| Here it goes right here. | ||
| He goes, one night in Chicago, as usual, I was the headliner, and on this night, my opening act was an up-and-coming comic named Martin Lawrence. | ||
| Now, normally... | ||
| I never used to watch the opening acts, but I was in my dressing room and I heard a roar. | ||
| I got up to see what was going on. | ||
| I thought it was a fight or something, so I got up and went to the side of the stage. | ||
| When I got there, I realized it wasn't a fight. | ||
| It was people laughing so hard that the building was shaking. | ||
| People were crying, standing, stomping their feet, screaming laughter. | ||
| I was terrified. | ||
| It was like watching somebody fucking your wife with a bigger dick. | ||
| That's how good Martin Lawrence was. | ||
| I followed Martin Lawrence almost every time I worked on a night with Martin Lawrence. | ||
| Mitzi always made me follow Martin Lawrence. | ||
| I never bombed harder in my life. | ||
| With three-quarters of the audience is walking out as you're going on stage. | ||
| I mean, three-quarters. | ||
| That's how good Martin Lawrence was in the 1990s. | ||
| I'm telling you, dude. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I would watch him and I was like, this guy is hitting some crazy RPMs. | ||
| You know, if you have a sports car, like 8,000 RPMs is crazy. | ||
| Some of them go to 9. Some of them are like... | ||
| You're like, how long can you go at that RPM? Like, Martin Lawrence was on this wild RPM where he was crushing so hard, but then he had a bunch of issues. | ||
| And then he had a show, Martin, and then he had a bunch of issues. | ||
| You know, he had like a breakdown, right? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Is there a stroke or something? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I mean, maybe. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| I think he had a stroke in a sweatsuit or something. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I think he had some sort of a manic attack. | ||
| And he got arrested from wearing a sweatsuit. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was like a wetsuit. | ||
| He fell into a coma. | ||
| He fell into a coma. | ||
| Heat exhaustion. | ||
| From heat exhaustion. | ||
| For preparing for Big Mama's house. | ||
| So he was losing weight? | ||
| Is that what he was doing with the wetsuit on? | ||
| He had to go on a ventilator. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| But didn't they think that he had some episode? | ||
| Am I making that up? | ||
| Well, his body temperature went up to 107 degrees, so something that could have... | ||
| No, I mean like a mental episode. | ||
| I mean, that made him think that that was a good idea to do, maybe. | ||
| I don't want to judge him. | ||
| Maybe we ought to edit this. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| Too much editing. | ||
| See, my thing with Martin Lawrence is... | ||
| Is that Martin Lawrence seemed like someone that was a God gift to him, right? | ||
| The guy was just meant to entertain. | ||
| He was super duper talented, but he also worked really hard, man. | ||
| But the thing with a guy like Martin Lawrence or Jay-Z, it doesn't seem like they work hard. | ||
| Richard Pryor or Eddie Griffin. | ||
| It seems like it just is what they do. | ||
| Well, it's that too. | ||
| There's a lot of those just what they do guys that never get to that level. | ||
| What separates a guy like that You know from a guy who's just a funny dude that we all know that we hang around with at the store There's always a guy who's just like really good and they go on stage They're really good, but they never figure out how to like get to a place like those guys What's the difference with the difference for me? | ||
| I mean I know for a fact my difference is when I saw Chris Rock they talk about how he trained for a special I was like, oh, yeah, that's that he would bring in comics and pay them to watch his set and give him notes and He was working in collaboration with other people. | ||
| He had a group of peers and he would throw his ideas at them and say, you know, what do you think about it? | ||
| DePaulo, maybe? | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
| DePaulo, Rich Voss, Richard Jenny was a big one. | ||
| There was a thing that happened. | ||
| Oh, it says, Lawrence ran into traffic in Los Angeles screaming and acting like a madman. | ||
| That's what I remember. | ||
| A loaded firearm? | ||
| Yes, that's right. | ||
| Big Mama's house actor also had a loaded firearm in his possession. | ||
| Lawrence was removed from the scene by law enforcement and hospitalized. | ||
| Martin was yelling, fight you know, don't give up, fight the power, or something like that. | ||
| A witness told KCOW. He was shouting some obscenities or something. | ||
| Maybe he's just doing his act. | ||
| Maybe he's working on a bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm a Martin Lawrence fan, up and down. | ||
| Listen, dude, I'm telling you, I am too, but I just think it's hard to be that good. | ||
| I think there's something about being that good as a guitarist, or something to be that good as a tennis player, or a bike rider, whatever the fuck you are. | ||
| I was just talking to a friend of mine about Tour de France. | ||
| And about Lance Armstrong, like how crazy you have to be to be that good? | ||
| Like to be that good against other people who are just like you? | ||
| Like you have to be so goddamn driven that you're better than all these other insanely driven motherfuckers. | ||
| Like you're dealing with like insane RPMs, man. | ||
| Fucking insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Insane. | |
| Insane. | ||
| But that's the case with anybody who's really good at anything. | ||
| And I think with a guy like Martin Lawrence, I'm telling you, dude, he was so good in the 90s. | ||
| Like how long can you keep that up? | ||
| How long can you be that good? | ||
| I don't know if there was a track record for that. | ||
| I don't think anyone looked at the longevity. | ||
| Pryor was the only guy that had a real longevity that was a wild man. | ||
| Pryor was a guy who lit himself on fire. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Pryor was a guy who had heart attacks and did bits about it and did crazy amounts of cocaine and free-based. | ||
| So wait, here's my question then. | ||
| So like I know my heroes. | ||
| My heroes are always the flawed dudes like Pryor, Belushi, Farley, John Daly, like the guys that are just, the golfer by the way, but like the guys are always flawed. | ||
| I know one of the things you do is really important to you is being disciplined. | ||
| Who are your heroes? | ||
| It's like a weird word, right? | ||
| I prefer to say, like, who do I admire? | ||
| And I admire people all over. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| It's one of those things like if you want to try your best to be a balanced person, you've got to investigate all the different aspects of your interests and your personality. | ||
| I try to I've like I have a lot of heroes if you wanted to look at it as like people that I really admire that I think are that elevate me when I listen to them or pay attention to them or elevate other people or provide a much needed service to the world or are an unusual voice. | ||
| Goggins is one of those. | ||
| Cam Haynes is one of those. | ||
| Rhonda Patrick is one of those. | ||
| Graham Hancock is one of those. | ||
| Randall Carlson is one of those. | ||
| There's like a lot of people that I know that are these insanely unique voices. | ||
| Sam Harris is one of those. | ||
| Brett Weinstein is one of those. | ||
| Eric Weinstein is one of those. | ||
| There's a lot of them. | ||
| I can keep going forever, but they're unique people that bring a perspective that I go, oh, wow. | ||
| Like now I can see things in a light that I didn't see before. | ||
| But I feel like, as a person, it's important to encounter all sorts of different perspectives, like the pacifist perspective as well as the warrior's perspective. | ||
| I want to talk to a person who doesn't even want to eat meat. | ||
| They don't want to eat plants. | ||
| They want to eat just fruit because they know that doesn't kill the plant. | ||
| Like, there's people that literally live off fruit. | ||
| I want to talk to them as much as I want to talk to the people that only eat meat. | ||
| But the people that only eat meat seem like more interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have more energy. | |
| They can get through the day. | ||
| They're dying. | ||
| I don't know if you should only eat fruit, but my point is I want to talk to as many fucking humans as possible that give me more insight, not just to them, but also to me. | ||
| I think the more weird people you talk to or the more things that people admit to you, the more you start to think about your own self. | ||
| And that's when I start thinking about really judgmental people and really angry people and really bitter and shitty people. | ||
| What are you trying to do? | ||
| Because are you trying to improve yourself or are you trying to shit on all the people around you? | ||
| I don't think they have an angle. | ||
| I don't mean it's shitty to them, but I don't think they have an angle. | ||
| I know for a fact it's terrifying to create your own content. | ||
| I mean, to create your own content is... | ||
| There are a lot of times you're going to fail. | ||
| I think it's easier to shit on people because I know I've done it. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| I've definitely done it on Two Bears One Cave. | ||
| We've all done it. | ||
| On this podcast, on my podcast. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's fun to shit on people. | ||
| We've all done it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially if they kind of deserve it a little bit. | ||
| And it's also a self-correcting mechanism for culture. | ||
| People think what you're doing is whack. | ||
| They let you know and you're like, ah, and maybe you grow from it. | ||
| And sometimes you get the self-correcting bullshit and you're like, oh yeah, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I don't listen to all my podcasts. | ||
| You can also hear how other people see you or think of you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a fine line between letting yourself shine and then humbling yourself for a place that maybe isn't the right place. | ||
| I think instead of letting yourself, doing your best, doing your best, but recognizing that your best is always going to be imperfect because you're a human, so you're going to stumble. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the most important thing is if you do stumble, to let everybody know that you stumbled. | ||
| Don't try to pretend you didn't stumble. | ||
| That's when I can't trust you anymore. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| It doesn't work in the media. | ||
| It doesn't work in anything. | ||
| When someone stumbles, they have to admit they stumbled. | ||
| It's not a bold thing. | ||
| It's the only thing. | ||
| If they don't trust you, if you're not honest, if they don't trust what you're saying to be how you really feel, they're not going to listen. | ||
| There's too many other people to listen to. | ||
| Why would they listen to you? | ||
| So just tell them the truth. | ||
| Just tell them the truth about how you feel. | ||
| If you fuck up, just say, that sucked. | ||
| And then they go, oh, Bert Kreischer's a fucking normal human. | ||
| He's just like me. | ||
| He realizes that he has good days and bad days, and he makes mistakes, and he's in a self-correcting learning process. | ||
| And there's no finish. | ||
| There's no end. | ||
| As a human being, you get to a point where you're done. | ||
| You're not done. | ||
| And we think we're done. | ||
| We get limited by that. | ||
| And then you see people who don't want to try anything new. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'm 52. Why would I learn a new language? | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| Get the fuck out. | ||
| Go outside. | ||
| Learn how to fly fish. | ||
| Learn how to fucking find birds. | ||
| Learn what mushrooms won't kill you when you eat them. | ||
| Go learn some shit. | ||
| Or take mushrooms. | ||
| Yeah, that too. | ||
| But fucking go. | ||
| Do something. | ||
| Don't just be defined by these cultural perspectives on how long you're expected to live and where you're supposed to be at various stages of your life. | ||
| Whether it's 40 or 50 or 60. Just be free. | ||
| Do what the fuck you can do. | ||
| I got into a conversation and someone was trying to explain, they were trying to tell me what my brand was, and I was like, I don't know if, and I correct, I didn't correct, I don't know whatever the fuck I said, but I was like, brand is a lazy term for authenticity. | ||
| If you want to say authenticity, I'll try to be as authentic as I am. | ||
| Like, I know what I like, I know what I dig, I like flip flops, I make my own flip flops. | ||
| That's what I like, right? | ||
| I make my own flip flops. | ||
| I like flip flops, you know? | ||
| I was talking to Yeti. | ||
| I might have been talking to Yeti. | ||
| And they were like, I was like, I like your shit, man. | ||
| I like your shit. | ||
| They have dope coolers. | ||
| They're amazing coolers. | ||
| Great tumblers. | ||
| Their growlers are fucking... | ||
| Excellent. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Load up a device before you go through the airport. | ||
| It's a free Yeti ad. | ||
| I like their coffee cups, too. | ||
| The little coffee cups, the little lid thing on them. | ||
| Their coffee cups are gangster! | ||
| Very good. | ||
| Solid products. | ||
| Are you saying Yeti's my brand? | ||
| Well, yeah, I like their shit. | ||
| They're my favorite shit. | ||
| I went to buy a cooler this week, and unfortunately, they were out of Yeti's. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, to buy some fucking other fake-ass cooler. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| They sold them out. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| We traveled to Yeti, because when Dave does barbecue, you can close it up in a Yeti with some paper... | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, Joe. | |
| I don't know, Joe. | ||
| Aluminum foil or something? | ||
| Nope, not aluminum foil. | ||
| Paper. | ||
| Butcher paper. | ||
| Butcher paper, yeah. | ||
| And you can put it up in a Yeti. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He knows his shit. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Dave definitely knows his shit. | ||
| He knows his shit if he's putting it in a Yeti. | ||
| If he's putting it in a cooler, that's next level shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But brand is a lazy term for authenticity. | ||
| When we say cooler, it's not cooled, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| It maintains the temperature of the brisket and allows it to slowly come to a resting point, right? | ||
| Yeah, you got to break through that... | ||
| That's some wild shit that they figured out that you should put it in a cooler after you're done cooking it for 10 minutes before you serve it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| There's something about, there's like a science to bringing it down to the perfect temperature right before they bring it to you. | ||
| Uh, dude. | ||
| I wish I knew the name of the place Tom and I went. | ||
| Science. | ||
| Black Smoke or something? | ||
| Terry Black's. | ||
| Terry Black's. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| Tom and I went there yesterday. | ||
| That's my spot. | ||
| I know there's a lot of spots in Austin. | ||
| I'm sure I'll visit them all eventually. | ||
| But right now, if I want barbecue, I'm just not taking any chances. | ||
| Dude, it was. | ||
| I mean, if Dick tasted like Terry Black's, I'd have bruised knees. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| It's the perfect temperature, right? | ||
| There's something that, like, there's an art to cooking something just right. | ||
| And that's what every... | ||
| Even if it's fucking a beet salad... | ||
| Right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's an art, like if someone brings you a roasted beet salad and those beets are just perfectly warmed up, like, oh, you fucking nailed it. | ||
| I ate until I was going to get sick. | ||
| I broke my belt. | ||
| I was like, I can't. | ||
| I'm fucking done. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| He got it. | ||
| Your tongue chases the brisket around your mouth because it starts crumbling and your tongue's going like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you guys going? | ||
| It's an art form, man. | ||
| It really is an art form. | ||
| And it's interesting how there's a bunch of different styles. | ||
| There's a Kansas City style. | ||
| There's a North Carolina style. | ||
| There's a Texas style. | ||
| Even in Texas, there's a Dallas, a Houston style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| These people are artists, and they've been around forever. | ||
| The Salt Lake was the place that we used to come around here. | ||
| If we were performing here, we'd perform here, and then we'd park out there in the night, in their parking lot, and then wake up and go have barbecue in the morning. | ||
| They let you park there? | ||
| Solid people. | ||
| Solid people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you tell them you're coming? | ||
| I did a thing with them through Travel Channel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Met his daughter. | ||
| His daughter's a very sweet young lady. | ||
| And she would always kind of block off a spot for the tour bus. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| And then go in, grab a growler from someone, throw it on the back of your wrist, glug, glug, glug, murder food, pass out on the tour bus, and head out to Houston. | ||
| Do they have the sausage, the jalapeno sausage? | ||
| Dude, when you look at that rig they have with the chain link fence and they raise it and lower it. | ||
| It's amazing the patience, that people had the patience to slow smoke things. | ||
| How did they figure that out? | ||
| What year did they figure out smoking? | ||
| It had to be an abundance of meat. | ||
| It had to be a big buffalo kill where they're like, all right, guys, we're going to eat for the next five days. | ||
| We're going to take our time on these. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we're going to cook these over 22 hours. | |
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| They have people at Terry Blacks that are working there through the night, just flipping over briskets. | ||
| They got legal pads like this, and they're writing down which brisket going in at what time, and when they put the wraps on them, when they put the butcher paper on them. | ||
| My mouth's watering right now. | ||
| Dude, it's a science. | ||
| But it's also an art form because it's like these people get a wow rush at a sink. | ||
| Even the cutters, when they're slicing up that brisket and you see how juicy it is. | ||
| And they squeeze it like it's a fucking cream pie. | ||
| Like it's a tit. | ||
| Like it's a menstruating, no, lactating tit. | ||
| Menstruating tit. | ||
| Origin is believed that smoked meat can be traced back to primitive cavemen. | ||
| No. | ||
| Caves or huts did not have a chimney, so they'd be very smoky once the fire was discovered. | ||
| It is believed that the early cavemen would hang meat to dry in their homes and then accidentally discovered that the smoke would give the meat a different flavor. | ||
| Plus, it also helped to preserve the meat better. | ||
| That completely makes sense, doesn't it? | ||
| Later on, the process of smoking would be combined with the pre-curing the meat with a salty brine or simply salt. | ||
| Do you know they used to go to war for salt? | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| That was the thing they went to war for. | ||
| Because people would drive from Portugal all the way down the African coast. | ||
| To steal salt. | ||
| To get salt or like lavender. | ||
| They drove. | ||
| They had Hondas. | ||
| Did I say drive? | ||
| They had Honda Accords. | ||
| Pretty hammered. | ||
| And they had to deal with the old school Muslims. | ||
| I read a book about it. | ||
| I read a book about it. | ||
| You got me onto that fucking moonshine in the sun, in the war of the moon. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| Summer moon? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| The fucking thing about Native Americans. | ||
| It's about the Comanches, right here in Texas. | ||
| And then I got into that, and we're on tour this summer, and I was like, I need more shit like that. | ||
| And someone's like, hey, check out this book about the Portuguese. | ||
| And it was like a panic attack inducing book. | ||
| The Portuguese basically committed hate crimes down the African coast to get around the corner to get lavender or cardamom. | ||
| And it's just... | ||
| I wish I knew that. | ||
| Oh, I bet it's in my thing. | ||
| People were ruthless back when there was no accountability. | ||
| When there was no books. | ||
| When there was no... | ||
| No one can write anything down, and if you did, you didn't have a printing press, you had to use a feather. | ||
| Look around, and one guy with a feather, you're like, hey man, can you not write this down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Committed atrocities in my presence. | |
| The Portuguese find this king. | ||
| I wish I knew the name of this book right now. | ||
| Portuguese find this king. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Conquerors? | |
| Is it? | ||
| I think it is The Conquerors. | ||
| It's about Portugal? | ||
| It's in my iBooks, I'll tell you right now. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| I'm certain it is. | ||
| Let me type it in my... | ||
| How Portugal forged the first global empire. | ||
| Just scroll out, it's right there. | ||
| It's on the actual Amazon page. | ||
| It's Conquerors by... | ||
| Roger Crowley. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| So that was awesome, huh? | ||
| Dude, they... | ||
| Well, that's Brazil, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Portugal's a fascinating place to me because it took all the good property on Spain, but apparently what was good property at the time was that inside the nook area. | ||
| Like, to be inside Africa. | ||
| That trading area was important. | ||
| But Portugal has all the outside, so it's all the fishing, all the And they were on that coast, and they would go down, they'd go to a king, they'd be like, bring out all your daughters, we're gonna, we wanna fuck them. | ||
| And then the king would be like, huh? | ||
| And they'd be like, or we'll kill your entire village. | ||
| So the king would show up his daughters, they'd then take his daughters, they'd then shit in his mouth, put pork on a stick, shove it down his throat, then send him home. | ||
| By the way, I could be paraphrasing. | ||
| Did you hear it right? | ||
| I possibly did. | ||
| I hope you did. | ||
| By the way, that is... | ||
| I'm telling you when I say this, it woke me up in the middle of the night on tour that they were ruthless to these kings down the coast. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| This is what I really believe. | ||
| I know the shit with the stick and the pork is 100% real and the daughter is shit and then send them back and then they just kill the motherfucker. | ||
| Here's what I think. | ||
| I think people are capable of that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They just need to be driven by whatever external forces, whatever ideas, whatever ideology, or whatever necessity. | ||
| If they have starving children at home, if they feel like they've been invaded by foreigners that have ill intention, if they feel like their life is on the line, people get darker and darker depending upon how much pressure they feel under to defend themselves. | ||
| If you put people in a situation Where people are just at each other's throats. | ||
| People are capable of stuff that's completely out of character. | ||
| And I'm not equating this with murder and killing, but I'm equating this to how many people have you seen that are calling for unvaccinated people to not even be treated in hospitals? | ||
| Like, how insane is that? | ||
| There's a lot of people that have been doing that. | ||
| And it's a similar thing, where people just decide, it's time to be cruel. | ||
| It's time to let these people die. | ||
| Like, people have made jokes about it, about letting people die. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| Because you would never do that about anything else. | ||
| Who the fuck would ever say, like... | ||
| There's a lot of people that have done this. | ||
| But I don't want to name any names, but there's a lot of people who've either made light of this or have sought out other people that have similar opinions and tried to get them on their side and say together, we need to deny these people medical treatment. | ||
| We need to shame these people. | ||
| We need to make these people feel bad. | ||
| But they don't do that with anything else when it comes to health. | ||
| They don't do that with people that are overweight. | ||
| They don't do that with people who smoke. | ||
| They don't do that with people who take drugs. | ||
| It's the one thing that they feel like they should be actively shaming people for. | ||
| And it gets very confusing because when people get mean like that and they say that people should be denied treatment in hospitals, Only because they're not vaccinated, and you don't say that about anything else, I got to say, I don't know how you're thinking. | ||
| If you don't say that about obesity, you don't say that about alcohol abuse, smoking, only this decision. | ||
| This decision to not get vaccinated is the one that... | ||
| And you go, well, that's because they put everybody else in danger. | ||
| Again, I go back to this. | ||
| I think it came from a lab. | ||
| I thought everyone agreed on that, right? | ||
| I'm a moron. | ||
| I don't know if it came from a lab. | ||
| It might have come from nature, but I think that most of the scientists now believe it came from a lab. | ||
| So if that's the case, shouldn't we be more upset with that? | ||
| Shouldn't we be paying more attention to that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If that's the protocol of people's life decisions dictate whether or not you treat them, it gets super problematic. | ||
| Especially for a guy like me. | ||
| Especially when there's a situation where people are trying to figure this out. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are scared of doctors, period. | ||
| They're scared of dentists. | ||
| They're scared of all kinds of medical treatment. | ||
| There's a lot of people like that. | ||
| I don't think the best advice would ever be to shame those people in doing what you want them to do. | ||
| No. | ||
| Some people feel like that's what you have to do, but I feel like we've got to be very resistant, very hesitant, and we have to resist this idea of declaring other human beings as the other. | ||
| Because it's a real instinct that a lot of us have. | ||
| So real instinct that we have when we're dealing with people that root for other teams, like people in Philadelphia are notorious for beating the fuck out of like teams that like fans come from somewhere else to Philadelphia and root for the wrong team and people in Philly will beat the shit out of them. | ||
| But it's like that kind of thinking Is a human way of thinking. | ||
| And you can think it's like, I'm not like those thugs in Philadelphia, but you are. | ||
| You're tribal. | ||
| And when you're tribal and you want to show everyone how committed you are to your tribe, a lot of times you'll be the person that attacks the other tribe. | ||
| It's a natural human instinct. | ||
| That is ingrained in our DNA from tribal living. | ||
| When there was like 150 of us and we had to worry about marauding invaders. | ||
| This is all like deeply embedded into like who we are, like what it means to be a person. | ||
| And you can use that, you could like, that path It could go with religion. | ||
| It'd be the Protestants versus the Catholics. | ||
| It could be the Democrats versus the Republicans. | ||
| It's way more of a tribal thing than it is a real solid disagreement on what we should be doing and why we should be doing it. | ||
| There's a lot of, like, weird shit that goes on. | ||
| And this is, like, one of the reasons why it's so important to think of the United States. | ||
| Like, think of what we are as a tribe. | ||
| Like, one giant tribe. | ||
| Instead of thinking as a red and a blue, that shit is, like, super disempowering. | ||
| What we should think of is, like, we're one giant group who needs to sort shit out. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And it's almost like... | ||
| By going with this fucking left versus right thing, that's nonsense. | ||
| Most of us are both. | ||
| Most of us have some, like you think if someone breaks in your house and lights it on fire, maybe they should go to jail, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You think if someone rapes your daughter, maybe they should be punished, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you also think, well, if someone's really poor, maybe they should get money from taxes to help them get back on their feet, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe you think that people who are really hungry and poor should have access to food because it's not that difficult for cities to provide that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We agree. | ||
| We agree on these things. | ||
| You think people should be able to have their own choices, but you think you should also be able to own a gun, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| See, this is where we're going. | ||
| You think that people should be educated and it'd be wonderful if people had an open mind, but you also want to protect businesses. | ||
| You want to recognize that it's very difficult to keep a business afloat and people have to make hard choices and they have to fucking keep a fast pace for everybody's benefit. | ||
| There's a lot of variables and you also agree that some people that run businesses are crooks and they're mean. | ||
| They don't treat their employees right. | ||
| There's a lot of variables to being a person and when we break it down to just left versus right, We get caught up in these fucking tribes with the Dolphins versus the Eagles. | ||
| It's like some shit happens where we get stuck on teams and it's fucking dangerous and we don't recognize it. | ||
| We think it's just a normal part of being a person where you're attacking all the people that are on CNN. Look at how dumb they are. | ||
| Or you're attacking all the people on Fox News. | ||
| They're talking shit about the vaccine but they're all vaccinated. | ||
| It's way better off if we just agree to abandon everything that's connected to teams and just focus on what do we need to do? | ||
| What do we need to do to get everything back on track? | ||
| We don't need a fucking gang war between goofy ideologies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's crazy to me is that in LA, the people that don't get vaccinated are the liberals. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| A lot of liberals, most of them are vaccinated. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Which liberals? | ||
| The diehard, healthy liberals. | ||
| Yoga people. | ||
| Yeah, yoga people. | ||
| I wonder what the vaccine rate for yoga people is. | ||
| We have a lot of friends that aren't vaccinated and won't get their kids vaccinated. | ||
| And look, just to be 100% clear so everyone knows, I'm vaccinated, my daughter's vaccinated, my wife's vaccinated. | ||
| We have friends that aren't vaccinated and refuse to get vaccinated, and they are hardcore liberals. | ||
| Like, a lot of them are... | ||
| We have a lot of them in our lives. | ||
| And same thing in Boulder. | ||
| We have friends. | ||
| We went to look at Boulder schools or whatever. | ||
| And a lot of people in Boulder won't get vaccinated. | ||
| Yeah, those hippies. | ||
| Those old school hippies. | ||
| I think you're talking about there's a different thing between liberals and hippies. | ||
| Those macrobiotic motherfuckers. | ||
| They're taking acidophilus. | ||
| And you go, it's so funny to watch the two waves collide. | ||
| Like, you ever see a wave come into the shore and then one come out? | ||
| Because the hippies are super progressive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| About like... | ||
| Whatever the rights are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Civil rights, gay rights, women's rights. | |
| Super progressive, but they're like, I don't want to put that in my body. | ||
| Whoa, but you have to. | ||
| And it's amazing to me to watch that happen and you go... | ||
| And look, to each his own across the board. | ||
| For me, I just go, you know, do what you're going to do. | ||
| But I just find it somewhat ironic to know a mom who's like, hates Trump and hates the right, and then she's not getting vaccinated also. | ||
| And then I go, you know, that's what they said. | ||
| And she just goes, melts down. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| And you're like, okay. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird because the vaccines definitely help people, too. | ||
| It's one of those complicated issues, man. | ||
| One of the things about being a person is that oftentimes stuff is not black and white. | ||
| We want to pretend it's black and white because if it is, it suits our purposes. | ||
| It defends our opinions. | ||
| It's not black or white. | ||
| There was a study that recently came out that showed that for teenage boys, it could be more dangerous to get the vaccine than it is to get COVID. Really? | ||
| Yeah, Google that, Jamie. | ||
| I'll send you a link because I know I saved that because it's such a crazy story. | ||
| But it's one of those ones where you're like, oh, Jesus. | ||
| Do you see it, Jamie? | ||
| If you don't, I can definitely find it. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| This one's from The Guardian. | ||
| I think I read from a different paper, but it says, go back up, please. | ||
| Boys more at risk from Pfizer jab side effect than COVID suggest studies. | ||
| Suggest study, excuse me. | ||
| U.S. researchers say teenagers are more likely to get vaccine-related myocarditis than end up in the hospital with COVID. Now this is in The Guardian. | ||
| This is a major newspaper. | ||
| So for them to say this, this is not like some fringe GeoCities page where some crazy person... | ||
| It's not clickbait. | ||
| This is... | ||
| It says most children who experience rare side effect had symptoms within days of the second shot of the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine, though a similar side effect is seen in the Moderna jab. | ||
| About 86% of the boys affected required some hospital care, the author said. | ||
| The thing is, young people, for whatever reason, in this disease, it seems to be a fact that young people, statistically speaking, are better at recovering from it. | ||
| That seems to be true. | ||
| And I think if we deny that, it's going to make people super suspicious. | ||
| Because they're going to say, like, okay, are we operating on information or are we operating on an ideology? | ||
| So if we're operating on information, we would say that these young people seem to be way better at surviving this infection. | ||
| We just have to make sure they don't spread it to other people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So we should be better at figuring out how to test these young people regularly and then figure out what's the best treatment for the people that are in danger that are around them, whether they're vaccinated or whether they're unvaccinated. | ||
| But the idea of jabbing all these young kids with these spectacular immune systems, it's like, I don't know. | ||
| If you read that, you go, I don't know what we're doing here. | ||
| Why are we doing this? | ||
| Is it because we want to protect other people? | ||
| I don't know if that's the best way to do it. | ||
| Is this the best way to do it? | ||
| It's amazing to think that kids have done what they have done for their parents. | ||
| That they all are wearing masks. | ||
| They all quarantined. | ||
| You couldn't have kept me in my house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We grew up without the internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are wilder people. | ||
| Those are monkey people. | ||
| You know, we're like one natural disaster away from cannibalism. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| You know, those people back then, when we grew up, would know internet. | ||
| When was the first time you got on the internet? | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| I was in college. | ||
| It was Prodigy. | ||
| And I got sports lines. | ||
| That was like, we get sport lines. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Do you remember that moment where you're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| My dad bought me a computer, and I brought a computer back to my house, and I plugged it in, and we hooked it to the internet, and everyone gambled in college, and the sport lines came up. | ||
| I remember thinking, so I got this one thing for the sport lines? | ||
| And then they were like, and then my teacher said, so your project tonight is to go home, take your article, cut and paste it, and then email it to me. | ||
| And I remember being so fucking lost. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Cut and paste how? | ||
| Like, how do I get it off of what I wrote it on? | ||
| How do I cut that out and then mail it to you? | ||
| Like, I'd be so fucking lost. | ||
| And I was like, this email shit's not gonna last. | ||
| I was like, there's no way. | ||
| There's no way that people are gonna use this for real. | ||
| Somebody said that about the early home computers. | ||
| I forget what person it was, but they were mocking the idea that everyone would want a computer in their home. | ||
| I remember someone telling me that you would watch movies on your computer. | ||
| And I was like, so you're telling me, oh, Brian Gumball? | ||
| Oh, we've got to hear that. | ||
| That little tease. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| That little mark. | ||
| 94. With the A and then the ring around it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
At? | |
| See, that's what I said. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Katie said she thought it was about. | ||
| But I'd never heard it said. | ||
| I'd always seen the mark, but never heard it said. | ||
| And then it sounded stupid when I said it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Violence at NBC. See, there it is. | |
| Violence at NBC, GE com. | ||
| What is internet anyway? | ||
| What is internet anyway? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Internet is that massive computer network. | |
| The one that's becoming really big now. | ||
| What is internet anyway? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| What do you write to it? | ||
| Like mail? | ||
| No, a lot of people use it and communicate. | ||
| I guess they can communicate with NBC writers and producers. | ||
| Allison, can you explain what internet is? | ||
| No, she can't say anything in ten seconds or less. | ||
| Allison will be in the studio shortly. | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| It's a giant computer network made up of... | ||
| Started from... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I thought you were going to tell us what this was. | |
| It's like a computer billboard. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's a computer billboard, but it's nationwide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's several universities and everything all joined together. | |
| And others can access it. | ||
| And it's getting bigger and bigger all the time. | ||
| That guy is on QAnon's website right now. | ||
| The guy who was just talking. | ||
| That's wild to see, man. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| By the way, I was that guy. | ||
| I sat down with Dane Cook at his house one time. | ||
| This was like 1998? | ||
| 99? | ||
| And he was like, we were talking and he'd just go to his computer and go like this. | ||
| And I was like, hey, what are you doing? | ||
| He was like, hey man, can I give you a little hint? | ||
| I got this thing called MySpace that I go on and I chat with friends and it helps sell tickets. | ||
| And I was like, good luck. | ||
| I was like, that'll never fucking happen. | ||
| Next week, I'm at a party in Venice and these dudes were all doing coke and they're on their computers. | ||
| I go, what the fuck are you guys doing? | ||
| They're like, we're programming a thing called MySpace. | ||
| And I was like, huh? | ||
| And they're like, do you know who Dane Cook is? | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Wait, I just talked to him about this thing. | ||
| And they're like, man, you should get on. | ||
| It'll really change your career. | ||
| And I was like, good luck, bitches. | ||
| The fucking biggest... | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Someone just gets so ahead of the curve, they figure it out before anybody? | ||
| Dude, there's so many of that. | ||
| I remember we used to do a tour on Myspace with Steve Hofstetter, and he had this program, and he was like, here's the deal. | ||
| The money sucks, but you get 25,000 Myspace followers. | ||
| And we did the tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it was Fever Records. | ||
| Fever Records. | ||
| But how do you get those followers? | ||
| Are they fake followers? | ||
| He had a program. | ||
| And yeah, he would have a program and he'd type it in. | ||
| Fever Records. | ||
| Type in Fever Records. | ||
| But how does that work? | ||
| How do you get people to follow you? | ||
| Just spamming them. | ||
| Spamming them. | ||
| Request, request, request. | ||
| And so we did all through Georgia. | ||
| And he got us like, and then he would say, open up a MySpace Athens, MySpace, a Burt Kreischer Athens, Burt Kreischer Augusta, Burt Kreischer Charlottesville. | ||
| And so you'd open these different ones. | ||
| And I had more followers on these one MySpaces than I had on my regular one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And that was the gig. | ||
| You did the show and then you got all these followers. | ||
| We're talking about like when the Vikings invaded. | ||
| We knew when the boats pulled upon the shore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The large man with the beard hopped off onto the gravel and screamed out a war cry. | ||
| Like this, we're talking about history. | ||
| We're talking about like ancient history. | ||
| Ancient history. | ||
| I remember back in the day where I would turn my computer on and hear, you've got mail. | ||
| Remember you've got mail? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Dude, I remember... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's Myspace. | ||
| Oh, Dane Cook. | ||
| He's still there. | ||
| He's hanging in there. | ||
| But when I was at a dentist's office, I was sitting on the couch waiting to get in, and I was reading in one of the People magazines, there was an article about Dane Cook, and it said, Dane Cook, I think at the time, it was a quarter million Myspace followers. | ||
| I remember going, what?! | ||
| Like, that's insane! | ||
| They were talking about how he was blowing up because of his MySpace. | ||
| And I remember reading that going, wow, how the fuck did he figure that out? | ||
| But he was the pioneer. | ||
| He was interested in that show. | ||
| He was the pioneer in internet marketing and internet rebranding and selling whoever the fuck you are, getting your comedy out there, getting your... | ||
| Napster? | ||
| You'd go on Napster, you'd find three people. | ||
| You'd find Mitch Hedberg, Dane Cook, and fuck it, what was the band that everyone, the Napster band that blew up from now on? | ||
| Metallica? | ||
| Metallica? | ||
| They got mad. | ||
| Oh, they got fucking living. | ||
| So there was a lot of Napster, Metallica because they got mad, right? | ||
| Wasn't there? | ||
| Dane Cook was all over Napster. | ||
| You'd go on Napster and it would be like, Dane Cook, Dane Cook, and by the way... | ||
| He uploaded it, right? | ||
| Yeah, he uploaded it. | ||
| I don't know if he did that or not. | ||
| I think he did. | ||
| But those little moments in time where you go, hey, you get an opportunity, man. | ||
| You get a shot. | ||
| Kevin Hart, and I have previously jokingly talked shit about Kevin Hart. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I know, I know, I know. | ||
| Why'd you do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Were you jealous? | ||
| No. | ||
| Were you on pills? | ||
| No, I was drunk. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| Was it valid? | ||
| No, not anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| But it was that I loved hearing his hard work ethic, but I always felt like hard work for the average guy, there's a lot of guys that bust their ass and they don't move forward. | ||
| You got to acknowledge your luck sometimes. | ||
| And I just said in these Instagram posts, I want to hear about your luck. | ||
| I want to hear about the luck that you had, right? | ||
| Not realizing in doing what he does, Just how hard he works. | ||
| I don't think I ever realized that. | ||
| And I've had a small taste of what he does, like where you do a movie and you do a tour and you do all that, and you have a TV show and you have a book or whatever, and I was like, oh, I didn't realize how hard he actually worked. | ||
| I just was like... | ||
| Just give everyone the luck and they'll all get there. | ||
| And I don't think I realized just how hard he busts his ass. | ||
| I think the problem is concentrating on any one thing. | ||
| Whether it's concentrating on a person's luck or concentrating on a person's discipline. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like we've decided we're looking for a binary. | ||
| We're looking for a one or a zero. | ||
| Or we're looking for a were you lucky? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was your dad rich or were you born in the projects and you're hustling and now you're a self-made person? | ||
| Which one is it? | ||
| Kevin Hart has had a couple opportunities and he capitalized on them. | ||
| And I think I misunderstood that for, like, the opportunity is the luck part. | ||
| Give that to anyone, and they all capitalize on it. | ||
| And that's not true. | ||
| But there's many more facets to that diamond. | ||
| I think there's also, he worked really hard, and that's how the opportunity presented itself in the first place. | ||
| It's not just like this opportunity was just there for anybody. | ||
| And he happened to stumble upon it, but then worked hard. | ||
| No, he worked hard to get to the point where he got the opportunity, too. | ||
| There's a lot of factors, man. | ||
| Well, I think another shot for the B-Man. | ||
| But I think what I was having a hard time doing was I was having a hard time Validating my own success. | ||
| Imposter syndrome. | ||
| Salute brother. | ||
| It's great doing this with you. | ||
| But I was having a hard time validating my own success and I was like, I know I'm lucky. | ||
| I need him to acknowledge he's lucky because I wasn't willing to admit I never wanted anyone to think I worked hard, because I was like, that takes the recipe out of the cake, you know? | ||
| I get how you would say that, and I get why you would think that, but it's a waste of time. | ||
| It's a waste of time wanting someone to admit they're lucky. | ||
| Like, if you can see that there's some fortune in how they got to who they are, just let them say it. | ||
| If they don't want to say it, who gives a shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get it, and most people get it too. | ||
| And as long as you're honest about what you feel are your most fortunate moments, You don't have to judge other people on their fortune. | ||
| I'm the luckiest guy there is in this business. | ||
| And I do work hard. | ||
| Dude, you work hard. | ||
| You work so hard. | ||
| And I don't think I realized... | ||
| I'm always stunned. | ||
| You always have some new TV show you're doing. | ||
| There's always some new wacky shit. | ||
| I'm like, what is Burt doing over there? | ||
| You're always doing something. | ||
| But I think I wanted a way to justify where I was Where I was to like... | ||
| I just wanted to diminish it, I think, a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I understand. | |
| But my advice to anybody, like you or me, because I'm the same way, is just like, enjoy what you're doing. | ||
| Just get to the place where you just enjoy what you're doing and try to do your best. | ||
| There's enough challenge in just trying to do your best. | ||
| Like we add external challenge almost to distract ourselves from the the real significant challenge that we face. | ||
| So we add a bunch of shit on the outside of it. | ||
| Almost like so it makes like whatever the most important thing we're really focusing on less important because we've got other stuff that's distracting us. | ||
| It gives you a built-in reason for fucking it up. | ||
| It's like a artist sabotage method. | ||
| It happens with a lot of people. | ||
| There's a lot going on with being a creative person. | ||
| There's all sorts of like Insecurities and thoughts and you know things that trip you up and sometimes they help you and like you never know what you're gonna get with your mind your mind is like filled with all sorts of interactions and Depends upon how well you sleep and how healthy are and what your perspective is that day and and all those things can greatly Interact with the rest of the world and figure out and and rather decide how your life goes Take one bad move on one bad day and shit | ||
| goes terrible. | ||
| I think about that non-stop. | ||
| It's part of being a person, man. | ||
| The problem is when you don't think about it. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| The problem is when you think that can't happen to you or when you're above it or when you're, you know, you've got it figured out. | ||
| That's when you're really fucked. | ||
| Because no one's got this thing figured out. | ||
| And the quicker we are to admit that and acknowledge that, the better we're all going to get along. | ||
| That's the scary part. | ||
| I want it figured out. | ||
| There's no way, man. | ||
| I think that's my control thing. | ||
| It's not possible. | ||
| This is like an ant trying to read calculus. | ||
| You might see it. | ||
| I don't know what an ant sees. | ||
| There's not enough time in the world to figure out what the fuck this is all about. | ||
| There's not enough information. | ||
| We're missing giant chunks of data. | ||
| We're in a stage, right? | ||
| If there's like ape and then enlightenment, we're like in this weird upward progress. | ||
| We're not there yet. | ||
| So that Paul Damens guy? | ||
| Stamets? | ||
| Yeah, the guy who's a mushroom specialist. | ||
| I had a really hard time with my surgery. | ||
| I thought I was going to die. | ||
| Hardcore panic attacks. | ||
| Get the surgery. | ||
| I come out on the other side and I see his documentary about the magical mushroom, whatever it is. | ||
| What is the dog? | ||
| It's the Netflix one. | ||
| Yeah, it's really great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fungi? | |
| Is it magical fungi? | ||
| Fantastic fungi? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Fantastic fungi. | ||
| And so I'm like, this is fun. | ||
| He's an awesome human. | ||
| He's a fascinating person. | ||
| He's a legit mycologist, right? | ||
| He really understands. | ||
| He was the first guy to explain to me that mushrooms actually breathe air like we do. | ||
| We met that guy. | ||
| So you did a podcast with him, and then me, Ari, and Tom did the next podcast with that guy, and we met him, and you were like, you don't know who this guy is. | ||
| He's like the foremost... | ||
| This is before the Netflix documentary. | ||
| Do you mean him at the store? | ||
| No, you did a podcast with him. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You guys were at the same place. | ||
| Yeah, we met him. | ||
| Cool dude. | ||
| So I watched the documentary and I start going like, oh man, maybe I gotta try mushrooms. | ||
| Maybe I gotta get on mushrooms. | ||
| I've done them before, but I did them just to party. | ||
| Maybe I gotta try to open up my mind and get rid of some anxiety. | ||
| Some of the fucking shit that keeps me up at night. | ||
| And I'm thinking about this and then my daughter Isla goes, we're at the fire pit in our backyard. | ||
| She goes, Have you seen this fantastic fungi documentary? | ||
| She's like 15, and I go, I have. | ||
| She goes, I mean, that stuff makes sense. | ||
| I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You gotta explain to her? | ||
| I gotta explain to her about mushrooms. | ||
| Because part of me is now saying... | ||
| Maybe microdosing is the cure. | ||
| Well, that the cure is a problem, right? | ||
| Because it sets up this, like, false premise where there's one thing that you need to do that's going to fix the world. | ||
| But the thing that absolutely that mushrooms will do is it will help some people be more compassionate. | ||
| Let's pretend that Okay. | ||
| We have a new pandemic that's coming along and then there's a medication you can give to the people that will help 40% of them Get through this better off than they were before it happened. | ||
| Okay, and you give them a chance. | ||
| Oh You have a decision to make. | ||
| You want to take it? | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| I take it. | ||
| I take it. | ||
| I take it in a heartbeat. | ||
| A lot of people have had good success. | ||
| Do your best. | ||
| That's what mushrooms are. | ||
| What mushrooms are, it's this... | ||
| I don't know if it's 40%. | ||
| Maybe it's only 30%. | ||
| There's a lot of people that get through real breakthrough experiences and have a completely different perspective on what it means to be a person, what it means to be alive, what it means to love people, what it means to be open-minded and kind and sincere, and what it means to experience your faults and the times you surprise yourself with the good things about human character and the times you're disappointed with yourself. | ||
| All those things. | ||
| They're all happening together. | ||
| And one, it's like this calculation we're trying to figure out. | ||
| And mushrooms allow people sometimes to see themselves for what they really are without any of that shit that fucks with your head, whether it's anxiety or insecurity or arrogance or overconfidence or ego or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And it's not for everybody, because if you already have a hard time with mental health, I'm not the guy that you should be listening to in terms of what you can or can't take. | ||
| Listen to a doctor, listen to a neuroscientist. | ||
| There's some people that have a slippery grip on regular reality, and I don't know if anything's good for them that just takes them and blows them out. | ||
| But for some folks, it will be. | ||
| And the only way we're going to find out is we make it legal. | ||
| There's a lot of people that have experienced amazing things on things that are absolutely illegal. | ||
| So why are they illegal if they've literally changed people's lives in a massive beneficial way? | ||
| Why are they illegal? | ||
| Because we haven't fucking had this conversation. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| It's not because there's a bunch of evidence that says they should be illegal. | ||
| It's because we haven't had this conversation. | ||
| Because we try to pretend that other adults know better than we do. | ||
| But we know they don't even have the data. | ||
| They don't have the information. | ||
| They don't have the perspective. | ||
| They're not being honest. | ||
| They're not being objective. | ||
| If they were, it would have already been legal decades ago. | ||
| There's some sort of weird fucking resistance to people admitting that they were wrong. | ||
| And that's part of the problem. | ||
| That's part of the reason why psychedelic drugs are illegal. | ||
| It's not because they're bad for you necessarily, because we're here drunk on fucking whiskey, which is like one of the worst things. | ||
| We're smoking cigars, which is not good for you. | ||
| There's nothing good for you about that, right? | ||
| That's all fine and good. | ||
| But if you take mushrooms, All of a sudden, there's a problem. | ||
| But we're resistant to change. | ||
| We're resistant. | ||
| Aren't there some cities, states that have legalized it? | ||
| Portland has decriminalized everything. | ||
| Portland, Oregon, rather, has decriminalized everything. | ||
| I think they've decriminalized even steroids. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Find that out. | ||
| I think they decriminalized all the hard stuff, like mushrooms and... | ||
| I think they decriminalized cocaine. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I think so. | ||
| I love a low-grade cocaine. | ||
| They did a wild thing up there in Portland. | ||
| A clean, low-grade cocaine. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Did they decriminalize cocaine? | ||
| Yes? | ||
| Oh, well, hold on. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I was shaking my head up. | ||
| Drug decriminalization... | ||
| Whoa, I'm Burt Kreischer. | ||
| Drug decriminalization in Oregon officially begins today. | ||
| So what does it say? | ||
| Small amounts of all drugs... | ||
| Okay, wow. | ||
| That's what it's real. | ||
| Okay, Oregon became the first state in the United States to decriminalize possession of small amounts of all drugs and greatly increase access to treatment, recovery, harm reduction, and other services. | ||
| This is a direct result of a successful ballot initiative... | ||
| Spearheaded by the Drug Policy Alliance... | ||
| Why can't I say that word? | ||
| Drug Policy Action, rather. | ||
| An advocacy arm of the Drug Policy Alliance in partnership with the long-standing Oregon Allies that was approved by voters and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Decriminalization of the punishment of millions and has disproportionately harmed communities of color. | ||
| So that's a great thing. | ||
| That's a very smart thing. | ||
| Because if you're decriminalizing users... | ||
| I mean, that's giving people the ability to make their own decisions. | ||
| Now, next step, educate people on the actual real risks of all these diseases or all these drugs. | ||
| That's what I want to know. | ||
| Especially unnatural ones. | ||
| The city of Ann Arbor, Michigan has decriminalized psychedelic plants and fungi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| What are you doing, Michigan? | ||
| How much is a microdose? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| It depends on how fat you are. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| It's the, like, sub-perceptible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, size percentage. | |
| So, like, whatever that means means it's an microdose. | ||
| It's like most drugs. | ||
| It's not like an actual number. | ||
| Like ivermectin. | ||
| You're supposed to take a certain percentage based on the kilograms of your body. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's most drugs. | ||
| Most drugs are like that. | ||
| Oh, that makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, drinking. | ||
| That's why I said, like, people can't keep up with you. | ||
| You know, like a 140-pound man like Mark Norman. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| He's a buck 35? | ||
| Buck 35 soaking wet covered in cum. | ||
| Buck 28 with his boots on. | ||
| This is fucking... | ||
| I watch that guy. | ||
| He can't drink with you. | ||
| I can't even drink with you. | ||
| I'm only 40 pounds lighter than you. | ||
| I can't drink with you. | ||
| Yeah, but you're a muscle. | ||
| But I can't drink with you. | ||
| Yeah, you can. | ||
| I give up. | ||
| No. | ||
| Tom's got to keep up with me tonight. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| We're going back to his house. | ||
| Open a bottle of Fitvine. | ||
| What is Fitvine? | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| This is Mark. | ||
| This is baby Mark. | ||
| Mark Norman. | ||
| Look at him there. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got two kids. | |
| The guy is overweight. | ||
| He's 78 years old. | ||
| He can just go and go. | ||
| His body is different than mine. | ||
| I'm struggling. | ||
| I'm hurting. | ||
| I need time to recoup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's another song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Round and round we go back, Jack, do it again. | |
| That's one of the things I fell in love with John Mulaney about. | ||
| He's into music? | ||
| John Mulaney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Music? | |
| What's wrong with this podcast? | ||
| This podcast is cursed. | ||
| I go to the mountains, to the woods for a week and it all falls apart. | ||
| John Mulaney used to do Coke and listen to Steely Dan by himself in college. | ||
| And I go, that's a fucking romantic. | ||
| Steely Dan is one of the best bands. | ||
| And I fell in love. | ||
| This is like old school. | ||
| But on Coke, probably a different sound, right? | ||
| It's like Grateful Dead. | ||
| You only really understand them when you're on acid. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And by the way, obviously John Mulaney said that's not what I said, that's okay. | ||
| But like, dude, I fell in love with it. | ||
| I heard him say that and I went, that's a guy that gets it. | ||
| He gets it. | ||
| Dirty work. | ||
| Dirty work. | ||
| Have you ever heard dirty work? | ||
| This is so... | ||
| When we did Red Rocks, I played this. | ||
| All I played was Steely Dan. | ||
| Yeah, really? | ||
| Oh, all I played was Steely Dan. | ||
| You play this backstage? | ||
| All we played. | ||
| All weekend? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| The very best of Steely Dan. | ||
| Is that a real car? | ||
| What is that car? | ||
| I don't think that's a real car. | ||
| This reminds me of being a kid in the back of my mom's car going to the pool. | ||
| And our pools are at a Ramada Inn. | ||
| This is what men did when you couldn't be emo. | ||
| It wasn't legal. | ||
| It wasn't legal yet. | ||
| You had to come in high-pitched and sensitive. | ||
| Talking about college. | ||
| Right here, buddy. | ||
| Listen to the voice. | ||
| This ain't Jim Brown singing. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a fool to do your dirty work. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is primo. | ||
| You gotta understand, too, that this music, like, what year was this, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| 1980, right there. | ||
| 72 to 80. Okay. | ||
| 72. Let's imagine what life was like in 1972. Jim Morrison was dead. | ||
| We just got out of caves like a hundred years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whatever it was. | ||
| Keep going, Joe! | ||
| Keep going! | ||
| It was probably a hundred thousand years ago. | ||
| I might be off by a factor of a thousand. | ||
| My point being, ladies and gentlemen, no one knew what the fuck was going on. | ||
| They were just trying to say things that made people get excited about being around them. | ||
| Whether it was a comedian like Lenny Bruce or a singer like Jimi Hendrix. | ||
| Everybody was doing the same thing. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| This, Steely Dan, was like my anthem throughout Colorado. | ||
| That's your shit? | ||
| Dude, I played this. | ||
| I was in such a good mood, I could play this and just cheer up. | ||
| FM? You ever hear FM? Are you a Steely Dan fan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's 36. He barely knows who the fuck Steely Dan is. | |
| If it wasn't for old people like us, he would never have any idea. | ||
| Play FM, play FM. Mark Norman, I played this for Mark. | ||
| Play FM, the song? | ||
| FM on Steely Dan. | ||
| And Mark Norman was like, I've never heard this, I've never heard this. | ||
| Because he's 30. And it's so crazy, I go, and he goes, Mark Norman called it elevator music. | ||
| Let me hear this. | ||
| This is ninth grade. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. yeah. | |
| It's grapefruit wine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take off your high heel sneakers. | |
| It's party time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The girls don't seem to care. | |
| That's all. | ||
| This is the best part. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ready? | |
| The part that would flip me out all week, and I couldn't get my daughters to connect with it. | ||
| Keep going, keep going. | ||
| Oh, come back. | ||
| Is right after this This is the part Joe Ah It's a different world. | ||
| It sounds from a different world. | ||
| That's the thing about these old recordings. | ||
| They're like time machines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You know what I listen to when I really want to get that thought into my head? | ||
| I listen to the old Robert Johnson recordings. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because Robert Johnson was the guy who, at the time, was so good that... | ||
| You know, he's a blues guitarist. | ||
| He was so good that they came up with this theory that he had sold his soul to the devil. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And he was the... | ||
| Original recipient of fake news. | ||
| He was the guy who like the fucking like if there was an inquirer back then Yeah, they would have said Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil to be so good because he was so much better than everybody else Yeah, and it's weird when you listen to it. | ||
| It's it's like a strange haunting sort of a You get a real accurate glimpse into at least one aspect of life during the time when that guy was alive. | ||
| And there's not a lot of recordings. | ||
| Play some Robert Johnson. | ||
| Give me some Robert Johnson. | ||
| It's so interesting. | ||
| That's an accurate assessment is that You play something from that time zone, and I wonder if it's just America. | ||
| It's everywhere. | ||
| It's all over the world. | ||
| When you record things, you get to get an understanding of how good people are 100 years ago, 200 years ago, yesterday. | ||
| You get this idea of progress. | ||
| But if you just hear it, and there's nothing written down anywhere... | ||
| You don't get that same advancement. | ||
| And part of the difference is the advancement of this guy versus whatever you might hear today is the layers of music and the different sounds that producers add. | ||
| It's like there's more complexity to music because they have more ability to do it. | ||
| But all of it came from this kind of shit. | ||
| And at the time, there was nothing before this. | ||
| So, the people that never heard music before, and then the people who heard amplified music, were alive during the same time period. | ||
| Like you and I, when we were around with no internet, and all of a sudden we had the internet. | ||
| These fucking people were alive where people were singing, just yelling, loud, in a room. | ||
| They had to have a closed room, and they had no amplification. | ||
| It didn't exist. | ||
| There was no electricity. | ||
| And then, a hundred years later... | ||
| People are playing this, and they have electric guitars, and there's recordings of the music, and you listen to it today, and you go, yeah, I guess that's good, but why would you think that that guy sold his soul to the devil? | ||
| Because nobody had made these sounds before! | ||
| They were the first! | ||
| Oh, so they're looking at this going... | ||
| He's doing this, and he's doing... | ||
| What the guitar rock and roll equivalent is, is Jimi Hendrix playing the national anthem on his teeth. | ||
| Jimi Hendrix had this sound where Eric Clapton felt like quitting guitar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He watched Jimi Hendrix and was like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? | |
| Dude, I played Castles Made of Sand to my daughters in the car in Colorado, and both of them said, who is this? | ||
| And I went, this is... | ||
| This is what you guys are looking for when you listen to music, and I'm no slight on anyone they listen to now, but I go, Jimmy Castles, handsome castles made of sand. | ||
| Like, that's fucking next level. | ||
| It's amazing shit, man. | ||
| All Along the Watchtower? | ||
| But all of it comes from what comes before. | ||
| You and I would not be here if it wasn't for Lenny Bruce or George Carlin. | ||
| No musician would be where they were if it wasn't for Robert Johnson. | ||
| And Robert Johnson learned off the other people that no one ever got to hear recorded. | ||
| There was a bunch of people before him, I'm sure, that never even got recorded. | ||
| Who would play for these bars and these roadhouse sort of shows where they would just get on stage and people would be drinking. | ||
| That was the whole thing during the speakeasy days, right? | ||
| Where they had these clubs where people were allowed to drink alcohol during Prohibition. | ||
| And they would get together and get drunk and people would go up and sing. | ||
| And they would have these shows where they were celebrating the fact they were all doing something naughty. | ||
| And I can identify with what this is, because I remember the first time seeing someone do something different on stage with stand-up, and you're like, oh shit. | ||
| What year was Robert Johnson? | ||
| That was recorded in 1936 and 7. So that's right around the time where alcohol was made legal again. | ||
| I think that was right around the time where they started going after marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I think they started going after marijuana in like 35 or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Prohibition at 33. 33 ended. | |
| And when did the marijuana thing happen? | ||
| They started going after marijuana. | ||
| It was just a couple of years later. | ||
| Had to be. | ||
| A bunch of cops hanging around going, hey, come on! | ||
| 1937. 1937, yeah. | ||
| What's the guy's name that owned the LA newspaper? | ||
| William Randolph Hearst. | ||
| And he was hated Mexicans. | ||
| Well, he hated losing money. | ||
| This is what he hated. | ||
| So he had, and this is a controversial sort of conspiratorial theory, but there's a lot of evidence that points in this direction, is that at one point in time, Popular Science put a cover on one of their magazines that said, And it's because they had created a new machine called a decorticator. | ||
| And what a decorticator was, was in the old days, there it is, right there. | ||
| The new billion dollar crop. | ||
| See if you can get the whole cover of it. | ||
| The cover of the Popular Science is really interesting. | ||
| Because it was on the cover. | ||
| Is that closed, too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| The fibers of the hemp plant are very, very, very unique. | ||
| And it's something that we are right now just starting to adjust to. | ||
| Like, you can sell hemp. | ||
| You know, my company, Onnit, one of the things that we would sell is hemp protein. | ||
| I took my protein. | ||
| It was really hard because it had to be grown in Canada and then it had to be shipped to the United States in the early days before they allowed it to be grown in America. | ||
| It was so preposterous because there was no THC in it at all, but we couldn't even get it in America. | ||
| So we had to get it grown in Canada and then we'd bring it over across the border. | ||
| And we had to make sure that it didn't have any THC. The whole idea is that hemp seeds have an amazing nutritional profile. | ||
| They're really high in amino acids. | ||
| It's really easy to digest. | ||
| It's a really good solid protein. | ||
| It's really good for you. | ||
| And it's one of the best plant-based proteins. | ||
| But people are so averse to this idea of marijuana being good for you in any way that they attach it to hemp Which is something that's like it's like It's in the marijuana family, but it has no THC in it at all if it's processed correctly And they still would fuck with people who were trying to use THC to treat arthritis and all kinds of other ailments And it's just it gets attached to that same thing like It gets demonized. | ||
| And this is all back to the 1930s. | ||
| All of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No, 100%. | ||
| It's not based on reality. | ||
| It's not based on marijuana's killing people. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| There's one real link to schizophrenic episodes, and there's a real consideration there. | ||
| Oh, by the way, I feel like I was there one time in ninth grade. | ||
| I bet you were. | ||
| I feel like I lost my shit. | ||
| I bet you became really close. | ||
| I've been close a bunch of times. | ||
| I think the thing is though that there's a certain percentage of the population that is schizophrenic I don't I think it's like 1% And I think that's pretty standard. | ||
| I think that number is pretty standard I don't think it gets higher or lower depending upon marijuana consumption And I want to be clear that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about but let's find out if that's true because I think that The numbers, so like, say if someone smokes weed and they blow their, they get crazy. | ||
| They blow their mind and they start acting nutty and they become schizo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, how sure are we that they weren't on their way before that happened? | ||
| That was going to happen anyway. | ||
| I think I would argue that, I mean, I would argue that everyone that I know is schizophrenic, and I know a few dude's brothers that are schizophrenic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That it started with drugs, but I think it was going to happen anyway. | ||
| I mean. | ||
| But we don't know that. | ||
| Here's, I'll take the other approach. | ||
| Maybe they would have been fine. | ||
| Maybe it would have been a difficult life, but they would have gotten through it if they didn't have some crazy marijuana experience. | ||
| Maybe that marijuana experience will ruin the life. | ||
| That's possible, too. | ||
| That's possible, yeah. | ||
| There's got to be a certain number where there's a bunch of people out there that can't handle weed. | ||
| Just like there's some people that have one drink and they get gopher eyes and they just start fucking taking their pants off and running through fires. | ||
| My wife, yeah, keep going. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Schizophrenia linked to marijuana use disorder is on the rise, study finds. | ||
| Right, but that's just like a headline on CNN. They also said I ate horse medicine, okay? | ||
| But you know this is the same place. | ||
| It said I ate horse medicine. | ||
| But is it saying that there's a linked? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| How about Google this? | ||
| Google what percentage of people are schizophrenic? | ||
| Oh, it's got to be super low. | ||
| What do you think is higher, COVID or schizophrenia? | ||
| For death? | ||
| No, just in life. | ||
| How many people get it? | ||
| How many people do you think, oh, no, no, no. | ||
| Way more people get COVID. Yeah, you're right, death. | ||
| You're right, death. | ||
| In the United States? | ||
| Should we keep going? | ||
| Because I have to pee. | ||
| I'm barely hanging on there. | ||
| You have to take a shit? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Okay, all right. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| Should we take a piss and shit? | ||
| You want to keep going? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'll keep going. | ||
| Let's keep going. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Let's keep going. | ||
| Let's make this an eight-hour podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I've never once held a shit in my life. | ||
| It's important to not. | ||
| I think it's bad for you. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| I've heard people get a... | ||
| What do we drink a beer now? | ||
| I drink a beer. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| One, two, three. | ||
| Oh, my fingernail almost came off. | ||
| What happened to me when I was playing golf the other day? | ||
| I was starting to sweat. | ||
| Bro, who was that guy that shot a 400? | ||
| I'm telling you, bro. | ||
| Bryson DeChambeau. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| Oh, Bryson DeChambeau is a fucking gangster. | ||
| What was the distance? | ||
| 417. That is so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
417 yards for a golf ball? | |
| Hang on, one second, I think. | ||
| By the way, I'm a big Bryson DeChambeau fan, but I think he cut some corners, went over the fans, right? | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| And then had the wind at his back, correct? | ||
| Well, I'm sure he did with the wind, because that's how you get it. | ||
| Someone sounds like a hater. | ||
| Listen, not me, not with that motherfucker. | ||
| Dude, I watched golf for that guy. | ||
| Yeah, same. | ||
| So everybody else hit on the fairway over here on the left, because that's where it's safe to hit. | ||
| And then you knock it over to the other place. | ||
| He skipped all that shit and went over here. | ||
| Dude, he's a gangster. | ||
| So is that a crazy move that no one does? | ||
| Well, it's because you have to clear all of it. | ||
| It's 400 yards to clear all of that, and most people couldn't hit that far if they wanted to. | ||
| Plus, there's a bunch of people standing here. | ||
| You're going to hit somebody. | ||
| So how many strokes does that add? | ||
| It takes away. | ||
| It takes away. | ||
| I mean, a benefit in him. | ||
| At least one. | ||
| No, no, no, definitely. | ||
| No, because no one at 305 is going to get onto the green from there. | ||
| So they all have to lay up. | ||
| And he's literally, I think he was 70 yards away from the green. | ||
| 72, yeah. | ||
| So is this the new thing, like super athletes who know how to whack a ball accurately? | ||
| That's what Tiger Woods started. | ||
| In the 90s. | ||
| When you brought up Domination earlier, I was going to bring up his stats of making 120 cuts in a row and won seven events in a row at one time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That always made sense to me. | |
| There was a thing about golfers. | ||
| I was like, these guys obviously are very good at what they do, but they don't look like regular athletes. | ||
| What if a regular athlete started playing golf? | ||
| I think that was what Tiger did. | ||
| Tiger changed the game on so many levels. | ||
| He made golf an event. | ||
| I would watch golf with my dad on the phone, and we'd watch Tiger play. | ||
| I gotta say this, too, though, is that Tiger was so powerful. | ||
| He had so much torque that that's why he's having back problems now. | ||
| And so you wonder with a guy like Bryson. | ||
| By the way, Bryson just lost a bunch of weight. | ||
| He looks fucking amazing. | ||
| Is this Australia when they're attacking the police? | ||
| They're blocking his streets. | ||
| It looks the same almost, but when he was walking up 18, the people were going so nuts that... | ||
| What kind of security is this? | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| They tried. | ||
| What's that guy behind him with his arms out? | ||
| Bitch, put your arms down. | ||
| There's fucking 40,000 people and one guy that's famous. | ||
| And they're all drunk. | ||
| And they're all hammered. | ||
| And you gotta remember, he was... | ||
| Luckily, they're golf people, right? | ||
| Oh, golf people would be savages. | ||
| That doesn't mean much. | ||
| Yeah, golf people would be savages. | ||
| Imagine if this was Domino's fans. | ||
| Because they're mostly just drunk guys. | ||
| Rugby fans? | ||
| John Daly came in first. | ||
| John Daly came in first. | ||
| He came in as an amateur in the US Open, correct? | ||
| And came in and started hitting these monster drives, like 350, 375. And everyone rallied, and he had a mullet. | ||
| He was like Theo Vaughn, but fat and blonde. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| God, man, he is a... | ||
| With a cigarette in his mouth. | ||
| Look at this motherfucker. | ||
| Cigarette in his mouth. | ||
| Back in the day. | ||
| A real gangster in golf. | ||
| I mean, when you say... | ||
| Is he from Florida? | ||
| Because if he's not, I'll be depressed. | ||
| Oklahoma. | ||
| Close enough. | ||
| If you say hero, that's one of my heroes right there, right? | ||
| So John Daly comes in, starts hitting monster drives, and everyone's on the tee box going, grip it, rip it, John! | ||
| Grip it, rip it! | ||
| And now I know why you're into Patty. | ||
| Patty Pempleton, go to that picture that you showed me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| You gave me a fucking good haircut! | ||
| I'm in! | ||
| That one down there, down there to the right-hand side. | ||
| To the right-hand side. | ||
| All the way over. | ||
| All the way over. | ||
| Yeah, no, right there. | ||
| Right above that one. | ||
| Oh, my bad. | ||
| Sorry, back. | ||
| Yeah, with the goofy... | ||
| That one! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is... | |
| He was denied his true birthright of Florida. | ||
| Dude, someone fucked up. | ||
| He should have been born in Florida. | ||
| A sponsor came to him and said, $3 million. | ||
| We want to send you to rehab, though. | ||
| And he looked at me and said, I'm good. | ||
| That And took a sip. | ||
| Dude, can I tell you, Joe, when I say, so TPC, 1997, he's in St. Augustine, right? | ||
| I think he went into rehab right after this, if I'm not mistaken. | ||
| Oh, I should have taken the money. | ||
| Fucked up. | ||
| It's timing. | ||
| TPC, 1997, I'm about to come out in Rolling Stone as the number one party album in the country, and we were in St. Augustine partying our balls off in John Daly's at a bar, and we just see him. | ||
| You were there? | ||
| You saw him at a bar? | ||
| And we were like, hey man, Daly's seen drinking on night before he withdrew. | ||
| You were there. | ||
| I almost jumped in that fucking... | ||
| on Hole 17 naked. | ||
| What? | ||
| I almost jumped in. | ||
| Thank God I didn't. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| So you were there drinking with John Daly the night before he withdraws from an event. | ||
| The night he's at a bar in St. Augustine or Jacksonville. | ||
| We were pretty drunk also. | ||
| Jack's Beach. | ||
| Jack's Beach. | ||
| But the tournament's in St. Augustine, if I'm not mistaken. | ||
| And so we all went out to see that, and John Daly's there, and my buddies hit me like, that's John Daly. | ||
| And all I remember out of that whole fucking night was he was, and I know that he withdrew the next day, but he was so accessible. | ||
| He was so nice. | ||
| He was not being an asshole. | ||
| He was having fun. | ||
| He was having a good time. | ||
| And he's a professional athlete. | ||
| And I remember thinking, and I was like, that's the guy I want to be. | ||
| Like, that's the guy. | ||
| It says right here, he kept the crowd going. | ||
| O'Neal said. | ||
| It was obvious he was there to have a good time. | ||
| By the time he left, he definitely was feeling very little pain. | ||
| This guy, man, this guy is... | ||
| He was like... | ||
| I would go to golf tournaments with my dad to watch this guy play. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because he would come in, and it was a little touch and go. | ||
| Sometimes he'd be a little shaky, you know? | ||
| Because he'd hammered. | ||
| Hammered the night before, and sometimes he'd just fucking destroy. | ||
| And it was nothing more fun to watch him just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think that influenced your future choices? | |
| 100%. | ||
| I mean, 100%. | ||
| You know why this is funny? | ||
| Do you know the story about you and Tom when you were playing tennis against each other? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wait, why? | ||
| Tom hired a coach. | ||
| And Tom worked with his coach, and he was practicing with his coach, and the coach said, listen, you got your fundamentals down, you're doing great. | ||
| He goes, this guy's drinking all night. | ||
| He's like, unless he's some sort of fucking John Daly type dude. | ||
| And Tom goes, no, no, no, he's exactly a John Daly type dude. | ||
| He goes, then the coach goes... | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And then you shut up with a fucking somewhere out of nowhere. | ||
| See me get video of this. | ||
| The tennis match. | ||
| It's gotta be online. | ||
| Out of nowhere! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got a legit Division 1 serve. | |
| Like, who the fuck saw this coming? | ||
| Bert Kreischer has a legit Division 1 tennis serve. | ||
| And you just fucking smoked those balls past Tommy Bunz. | ||
| He was in such agony. | ||
| He was so bummed out. | ||
| He was so sad. | ||
| I remember his son showed up and they made him leave early because he didn't want his son to see it. | ||
| Did you, at any point in time, think of yelling out to him, you should have stuck to the dance-off? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, I remember watching him not be able to return. | ||
| It was, like, awkward. | ||
| Like, it wasn't even hitting the strings on his racket. | ||
| It would hit the handle and shoot up in the air. | ||
| You have a sick serve. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Like, if you develop that thing, like, some dudes are just really good at shooting fucking three-pointers. | ||
| You know, there's like guys just have this touch and you watch them doing like, what the fuck? | ||
| How are you doing that? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, I played tennis. | ||
| Here's the other thing is I played tennis and golfing and I was just I was an athlete. | ||
| I know I don't look like it now. | ||
| I was an athlete all growing up. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| And so I love I love the beauty of a sport and like the the finesse, you know with golf. | ||
| I played with Tom and Ari when we were in Atlanta for the... | ||
| We went to the thing for the Sober October thing or whatever. | ||
| I would like to go with you guys and play golf and just talk shit. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would just like to keep smoking joints and keep talking shit. | |
| That's half the fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we had so much fun, and then Ari played golf for college, I think? | ||
| Who's better at golf, Ari or you guys? | ||
| Well, I mean, you know me. | ||
| I would never, ever say anyone but me, but that's my brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No, I get it. | ||
| I remember when you told me you could do the splits. | ||
| Yeah, and I'd never done one. | ||
| You couldn't get even close to the splits. | ||
| And I remember you'd look at your face, you're like, you've never done a split. | ||
| And then you asked me if I could do the splits, and I said, yeah. | ||
| And then I did it, and you go, holy shit, you could do the splits? | ||
| I go, I just told you. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You didn't believe me. | ||
| I definitely was better than Ari and Tom in golf, and I drank. | ||
| Hardcore that whole fucking day. | ||
| I don't think that counts. | ||
| You don't add points if you're hammered. | ||
| I do and I don't. | ||
| I was gambling with them hardcore and destroyed them in golf. | ||
| But... | ||
| They're not like... | ||
| Golf is different for me. | ||
| We grew up playing golf in Florida. | ||
| Your mom would drop you off the golf course and you just play... | ||
| You have to fight alligators and Cubans. | ||
| Dude, you hit a ball in the fucking lake and you go in and get it. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, go in and get it. | ||
| But there's alligators in there. | ||
| Hey, that was part of going up in Florida. | ||
| But wait, what year were you down there? | ||
| Who's this? | ||
| That's Ari. | ||
| Oh, this is Ari. | ||
| Ari's got a pretty good swing. | ||
| He played collegiate golf. | ||
| I don't like those shoes. | ||
| Is he wearing fucking clogs? | ||
| What is he wearing? | ||
| But that's... | ||
| Oh, it was terrible. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Pull up Burt Kreischer golf swing. | ||
| He plays golf like he plays pool. | ||
| Pull up Burt Kreischer golf swing. | ||
| Go ahead, Jamie. | ||
| PXG. By the way, that PXG guy, I told you about him. | ||
| No. | ||
| Bob Parsons? | ||
| What? | ||
| Bob Parsons? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Bob Parsons owns PXG. What are these words you keep using? | ||
| I'm hammered. | ||
| He does ecstasy for PTSD stuff. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, that works. | ||
| Yeah, it does work. | ||
| Yeah, that's the whole MAPS protocol. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah, it's MDMA for PTSD and they've used it with soldiers and domestic violence victims and football players. | ||
| This is them doing me a fitting at PXG. Wow. | ||
| This is a seven iron. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| That's impressive as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the same as yours? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Exactly? | ||
| There's a thing about pool. | ||
| When you play pool, there's a magic number that if someone can hit the break shot at 30 miles an hour, it's crazy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 30 miles an hour is bananas. | ||
| Shotgun break. | ||
| See, what is the fastest break shot in pool? | ||
| Like Guinness Book of World Records. | ||
| I think it's in the 30s. | ||
| I think some dude hit like 35 or 36 or something like that. | ||
| See, that's what I live life for, though. | ||
| Records and- I don't give a shit how I play pool. | ||
| But if you look at me and you go, God damn it, that's a fucking shotgun break. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I knew a dude named Rob. | ||
| He was- I don't want to say what we really called him. | ||
| But he had one eyeball that wasn't totally looking at you. | ||
| And this dude was giant. | ||
| He was a big dude. | ||
| He was like six foot two, but like thick. | ||
| Big fucking Eastern European looking motherfucker. | ||
| And he had a crazy break. | ||
| And he used to play pool at White Plains Billiards. | ||
| Or Executive Billiards in White Plains. | ||
| New York. | ||
| Everyone would watch when he breaks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'd be like, watch, watch, Rob's breaking, Rob's breaking. | |
| He was just this gorilla of a person. | ||
| He was so big. | ||
| There's certain dudes that, for whatever reason, just nature has provided them with larger limbs, bigger forearms. | ||
| Explosivity. | ||
| When I watch you kick, when you kick, There's this weird thing that I don't have, or like a regular person don't have, and it's just like, I don't know if it's fast switch, Pat McAfee calls it explosivity, where you just go, pop, and not everyone has that. | ||
| Well, I think there's a time that you have to develop it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I think it directly, this is from my own personal experience, I think it directly corresponds with how your body is developing. | ||
| So do you think there's a time period in your life when that started? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's a thing that happens if you do it before puberty. | ||
| So I got into it at puberty. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I took Kung Fu when I was young, and then I didn't have four or five years with nothing. | ||
| And then I took a karate. | ||
| I was at a karate place for a little bit, and then I went to Taekwondo when I was 15. So when I was Kung Fu, when I learned a little bit of it, very little. | ||
| I would practice a little bit. | ||
| Like I would throw some kicks like they showed me and I figured out how to use my body a little bit. | ||
| And you say I was fucking around. | ||
| I was a little kid. | ||
| I would like throw crescent kicks and shit like that. | ||
| But... | ||
| I didn't necessarily, like, practice it until I was legitimately, like, 14, then 15. 14, a little bit of karate, and then 15, I got, like, hardcore. | ||
| And I think that, like, as, like, 15 and 16 and 17 as a man, that is when your body is filling with hormones, and you're growing, and you're coming into yourself. | ||
| And I was doing it at the same time I was learning how to throw kicks. | ||
| So I think that's what helped me. | ||
| Okay, so I've always said this. | ||
| Like, when I got injured, I thought, I'm going to recover fine because I've always done arms. | ||
| My whole life I've done arms. | ||
| That definitely helps, right? | ||
| Big arms. | ||
| And I go, I'm ready to bounce back. | ||
| But I wondered, like, I haven't done anything to do the strength of my arm because I was like, I don't want to re-injure it. | ||
| I want to let the doctors tell me what to do. | ||
| But I, my whole life, I think because I grew up in Florida, it's buys and tries. | ||
| Every day is fucking arm day. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I don't have defined arms, but I have big arms. | ||
| Gun show, son. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, you fuck your wife like this, and she sees it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Not your wife. | ||
| You know what I mean. | ||
| Your wife. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| And are you doing, like, a palm on the shoulder, or are you choking a bitch? | ||
| I don't choke. | ||
| I'm not that... | ||
| I wish I had that confidence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wish I had that confidence to go... | |
| Some women want that. | ||
| They grab your hand. | ||
| They force it in there. | ||
| I am blown away by that. | ||
| That's an unusual trait. | ||
| That is a fucking... | ||
| That is a animalistic... | ||
| That's a wild bitch. | ||
| I've never had one of those in my life. | ||
| We can talk. | ||
| They exist. | ||
| They're out there. | ||
| They're wild folk. | ||
| You saw Ben Rothwell? | ||
| You saw that picture? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| People are different. | ||
| Yeah, people are different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| People are different. | ||
| I wonder if there's like... | ||
| I sometimes wonder if my wife wants that and I don't bring it. | ||
| Why don't you talk to her? | ||
| Well, I brought it up one time. | ||
| I was like, hey, do you want me to tie you up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, no. | |
| You should do it on MDMA. Yeah. | ||
| Take some fucking ecstasy and talk to each other. | ||
| I gotta wait till the kids are out of the house. | ||
| Try it then. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm afraid of who my wife would be on ecstasy. | ||
| She should be afraid. | ||
| We should all be afraid of everything. | ||
| That's where it's most fun. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Have you done ecstasy? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I only did it once. | ||
| But it was enough to realize two things. | ||
| One, I can't do shows the night after I do ecstasy. | ||
| I found that out the hard way. | ||
| I couldn't even read. | ||
| I was sitting in a coffee shop trying to read a boxing magazine. | ||
| I couldn't read. | ||
| I did it in St. Louis after Ari drugged me. | ||
| And I was just shaking. | ||
| And I was like, I'm getting through this. | ||
| Fucking Ari. | ||
| All those people in that crowd, Ari should owe them all a free ticket for a new show. | ||
| Oh, it was a good show. | ||
| It was a good show. | ||
| They found out that I had gotten drunk because I was open and honest. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Alright, I take it back. | ||
| Someone said... | ||
| That's better than a regular show. | ||
| I got drugged last night. | ||
| You guys are going to hear about this on a podcast coming up. | ||
| Ari Shaffir drugged me and everyone was just like, what the fuck? | ||
| And it was, you know, it was fans. | ||
| So they were like... | ||
| But yeah, I... That was... | ||
| I can't... | ||
| I'm not an ecstasy guy. | ||
| Although it's pretty fucking awesome. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| The problem is the comedown. | ||
| Comedown's horrible. | ||
| Do you know that that's one of the reasons why Onnit got started? | ||
| Ecstasy? | ||
| Aubrey came up with an idea for a product called Roll On and Roll Off. | ||
| I've heard about this. | ||
| Yeah, I know it. | ||
| It was the first products he came up with. | ||
| When Aubrey and I started talking about doing a company... | ||
| What year is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh... | |
| Maybe 2010, somewhere around then. | ||
| I might be wrong. | ||
| You might have already had it. | ||
| But I remember he brought it to me and he said this is for people to get off of ecstasy. | ||
| 5-HTP enhances your body's ability to produce dopamine. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
| I'll swear by that guy. | ||
| Yeah, and then tryptophan converts to 5-HTP. 5-HTP is legit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're going through an episode, like, I don't know whatever the fuck your episodes are, but, like, I do OCD anxiety episodes. | ||
| Airports. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking The Day Before I Fly. | ||
| And that 5-HTP actually fucking works. | ||
| It definitely does. | ||
| It's like a building block for human neurotransmitters. | ||
| It's a building block for dopamine. | ||
| It's a building block for, like, literally the chemical that makes you happy. | ||
| And Neil Brennan was the first person who told me about it. | ||
| I was driving back from Sacramento with my family in the car. | ||
| I had headsets in, listening to you and Neil Brennan in your house when you did the podcast in your house. | ||
| And Neil Brennan said, I can't use my SSRIs while I use 5HTP. And then I was like, that shit must work. | ||
| Yeah, they said that he had to get off the 5HTP. Is HTTP the website? | ||
| HTP is what we're talking about, right? | ||
| It's a problem. | ||
| I might take a couple tomorrow morning. | ||
| I'm going to be firing hot at the Austin airport. | ||
| We have to figure out what's the optimal balance for all those things that are in your head. | ||
| Dude, give me a mix. | ||
| Cerex, honing, dopamine. | ||
| A little bit of mushrooms. | ||
| Adrenaline and cortisol and all that shit. | ||
| Oxytocin. | ||
| I won't take it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the optimum? | |
| What I want is... | ||
| Get up in the morning, it's like, it's five in the morning, you gotta get your flight, and just a pill, like Xanax used to be, but you can take a Xanax and you just feel like, cool. | ||
| Yeah, but then you start freaking out, and it takes a year off your life. | ||
| Yeah, Xanax turns your brain into mush. | ||
| Well, getting off it, apparently, is one of the hardest things to do. | ||
| That's the Jordan Peterson thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| I never heard about that until late. | ||
| Dude, he... | ||
| Benzodiazepine, apparently, is one of the rare things that when you are addicted to it, if you get off of it and you quit cold turkey, you can die. | ||
| It's in a small group of other things that are addictive, like alcohol is another one. | ||
| If you're an alcoholic and you just cold turkey quit alcohol, you could die. | ||
| You've got to drink a lot, though. | ||
| I mean, it's like, for anyone listening, trust me when I drink a lot. | ||
| Amy Winehouse was not that old, man. | ||
| No, no, not that old, but you have to drink. | ||
| You kinda gotta drink, and look, I'm not a doctor, but you kinda gotta drink the second you wake up and the second you go to bed. | ||
| And we've all had those days. | ||
| Since we've already violated copyright law. | ||
| Amy Winehouse. | ||
| Put that rehab song on. | ||
| Put that rehab song on. | ||
| Let's listen to this. | ||
| She was amazing, man. | ||
| I remember I heard her sing, I was like, what is this? | ||
| And then I saw her in a video. | ||
| Let me see a video. | ||
| She was beautiful, too. | ||
| She was beautiful, but it's like she was from another era. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I ain't got the time. | ||
| And if my daddy thinks I'm fine. | ||
| And if my daddy thinks I'm bad. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| Go right here. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have it either, Amy. | |
| Salute, my brother. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whiskey. | |
| Here we go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| A shot glass. | ||
| How sexy was she? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You know what she was? | ||
| She was authentic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's trying to make me go to rehab. | |
| I think people recognize all the elements of their self in her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I love it. | ||
| I love this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna lose my baby So I always keep on following me If you | |
| have an intervention with me, when I walk in the door, start playing this song. | ||
| No, keep playing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| And with this announcement, fuck Sober October. | ||
| Burton R.A. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're out! | |
| We're out, baby! | ||
| We're going Amy Whitehouse! | ||
| Fuck it! | ||
| I'm going hard as shit in the paint! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're going Amy Whitehouse October, bitches! | |
| I want Rehab November! | ||
| We're all in for October! | ||
| It's Blackout October! | ||
| I'll take January off. | ||
| I'll take it off too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| She was so good. | ||
| Authentic, man. | ||
| There's no dentistry going on in her fucking history. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She doesn't need perfect teeth. | |
| She's perfect. | ||
| Dude, she doesn't. | ||
| Imperfectly perfect. | ||
| I can't got the time. | ||
| But my daddy thinks I'm fine. | ||
| I can't got the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I said no, no, no. | |
| Come on, son. | ||
| God damn it, man. | ||
| That's what life's all about. | ||
| That's what life's all about. | ||
| It's like there's trades. | ||
| There's trades. | ||
| You have trade-offs. | ||
| Do you want a long life eating granola? | ||
| Or do you want to get crazy and make some fucking amazing hits? | ||
| I'll tell you what I want. | ||
| Oh, I'm so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to cry. | |
| I'm going to cry. | ||
| Tommy. | ||
| Oh, I'm gonna cry. | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| I'm gonna hold it back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cry, bitch! | |
| Come on, don't hold it back. | ||
| Tommy. | ||
| You're looking at Eskimo right now. | ||
| I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. | ||
| Tommy asked me what I wanted at my funeral today. | ||
| He goes, hey man, we're just bullshitting. | ||
| Is this a five hour podcast? | ||
| We're driving by a graveyard and I say, I go, hey, do you want to be buried or cremated? | ||
| He goes, I don't know. | ||
| He's like, you know, I'm Catholic. | ||
| I think I want to be buried. | ||
| Tommy's Catholic? | ||
| Yeah, his mom's a fucking soccer fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And so he goes, he goes, uh, His mom's a soccer fan! | |
| He goes, I think I want to be buried. | ||
| And he goes, but I'd rather be cremated. | ||
| And he goes, what about you? | ||
| I said, I want to be buried. | ||
| I would be buried if they didn't fuck with me first. | ||
| The real problem is they want to fucking embalm you. | ||
| They want to fill your veins up with formaldehyde and preserve your body in some unnatural state so that bacteria and worms and nature can't really absorb you. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Like you're supposed to be absorbed. | ||
| You shouldn't be in a box. | ||
| Let the tree just eat me up. | ||
| Fuck boxes, man. | ||
| The day that we can figure out who killed everybody, whether or not you actually murdered somebody so we don't have to exhume someone and do some fucking Michael Badden domestic evidence, forensic evidence, like that fucking HBO autopsy show. | ||
| The mushroom suit digests your body after you die. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about! | ||
| I want that. | ||
| I want to contribute to the earth. | ||
| This is what we're supposed to do. | ||
| If you could plant me into a tree and then have me be a part of the tree, but have me be like a protected tree. | ||
| Avatar. | ||
| That tree, that tree that gives you all the little light things coming down? | ||
| That's what we're supposed to have. | ||
| We're supposed to die and become a part of nature. | ||
| How do I get that? | ||
| We've got to stop using funerals! | ||
| We've got to stop using coffins and formaldehyde. | ||
| Tommy said, he goes, do you want a funeral? | ||
| Oh, you wanted that? | ||
| I want a Viking funeral on a fucking boat on fire in the middle of a lake. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| The biodegradable... | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| How do you want to die? | ||
| You want to just die? | ||
| You want to be buried in some fucking stupid suit that you've never worn before in your whole life? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| All of a sudden you got a suit and your veins filled with chemicals made by some weird company that doesn't give a fuck about you and you're like, just like, preserved? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| My point is... | ||
| You got glass eyes. | ||
| I want the party. | ||
| Makeup on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want the party. | |
| I want the party. | ||
| I want the funeral. | ||
| I want a funeral. | ||
| I want a funeral. | ||
| That's number one. | ||
| Okay, what kind of funeral? | ||
| You want everybody to be sad? | ||
| Oh, are you kidding me? | ||
| Yeah, I want a lot of people. | ||
| By the way, you're going to be crying too, just for the record. | ||
| I like that you acknowledge you're going to die before me. | ||
| I appreciate your honesty. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| I forgot to tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I saw a mountain lion two days ago. | ||
| Like a real mountain lion. | ||
| No, three days ago. | ||
| A real, legit, bona fide, terrifying mountain lion. | ||
| Like an enormous mountain lion. | ||
| In Utah. | ||
| I've seen three mountain lions in my life. | ||
| The first two were very small. | ||
| The first one, it was in the distance. | ||
| It looked like a, if I had to guess, like a coyote size. | ||
| It was small. | ||
| A small animal. | ||
| How's the size? | ||
| 140? | ||
| 140 pounds? | ||
| Less. | ||
| Way less. | ||
| Like 50, 60 pounds at the most. | ||
| At the maximum. | ||
| The second one I saw was exactly the same kind of size. | ||
| Like maybe 60, 70 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This motherfucker was like 170 pounds. | |
| At least. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| It was huge. | ||
| It had a pumpkin head. | ||
| I mean like this big. | ||
| It was 30 yards from the truck we were on. | ||
| We were driving down this road and I was with my friend Colton and he yells out, there's a mountain lion. | ||
| There's a mountain lion. | ||
| He hits the brakes and his headlights of his truck light up the side of the road 30 yards away and I see... | ||
| these glowing eyes and this giant cat and it's like maybe like right before the Sun goes down but the Sun's up so it's kind of dusky and I get my binoculars out and I'm looking at a giant cat I mean, huge forearms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, it's sitting under a tree like this, looking at us. | |
| It's so big! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It has massive paws, massive forearms, shoulders. | |
| It's the whole bulk of its body. | ||
| I'm like, that's as big as me! | ||
| It's a cat as big as me! | ||
| It's so big, dude. | ||
| And then it just takes off. | ||
| It just runs into the trees. | ||
| And my friend gets out of the car, and he looks around, and he's like, holy shit! | ||
| I had seen this thing- Wait, where were you? | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| In Utah. | ||
| In the mountains. | ||
| Deep in the mountains. | ||
| I had seen this thing with my binoculars. | ||
| It was on a dirt road. | ||
| I saw this thing so clearly. | ||
| This big cat. | ||
| And I remember thinking to myself, imagine all these people. | ||
| Imagine all these people that are like, you should keep the mountain lions alive! | ||
| It's so important! | ||
| They're amazing animals! | ||
| And these people are out jogging, and that motherfucker just by hook or by crook, by zinger by zag, just happens to be on the trail, and they run into this fucking 170-pound super predator cat. | ||
| How quickly they turn on that. | ||
| It's like that old Colin Quinn jerk. | ||
| Did you see this video? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| The lady was running by. | ||
| That was a good-sized cat, but that was like an 80-pound cat. | ||
| That's a little cat. | ||
| Still, I tried to get a fucking 10-pound cat into a fat cat bag. | ||
| It was a shit show. | ||
| Dude, I had a cat that I tried to get spayed. | ||
| I had a wild cat at one point in time in my life. | ||
| I had a feral cat when I first lived in California. | ||
| Of course you did. | ||
| I had to take two weeks off. | ||
| No, two weeks off. | ||
| That's a lie. | ||
| Two days off and just sleep with this cat in a bedroom to get it to like me. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| My friend Lainey, her and her boyfriend found a bunch of cats that had made a bunch of kittens underneath their apartment. | ||
| And she said, we rescued these kittens. | ||
| There's like six of them. | ||
| Do you want one? | ||
| I go, okay, I'll take one. | ||
| And I didn't know they were... | ||
| I didn't know what feral meant. | ||
| She told me they were under the... | ||
| I didn't understand. | ||
| They were wild cats. | ||
| So I'm in this apartment. | ||
| It was a house, rather, I was renting in Encino. | ||
| And this fucking cat. | ||
| I tried to let it out of the cage. | ||
| And it starts running up the fucking drapes and freaking out. | ||
| And then when I eventually slowly corner it, I would touch it. | ||
| And when I touch it and pet it a little bit, it would go... | ||
| And we start purring, rather. | ||
| And I go, oh, this little thing just doesn't understand what I am. | ||
| And it's scared and doesn't know what to do. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So I got a pile of books. | ||
| And I went into this bedroom in this spare house that I had in Encino. | ||
| And I stacked the books. | ||
| And I brought cat food. | ||
| And I brought a litter box. | ||
| So I put a litter box over here. | ||
| And I had the cat food in there. | ||
| And I just read books. | ||
| And I hung out with this fucking cat for days. | ||
| And me and this cat, like, slowly became friends. | ||
| I started patting his head. | ||
| That is so different than the man I am. | ||
| I would never... | ||
| Like, that's a representation of your sensitivity of, like, you want to connect with an animal. | ||
| I kind of look at an animal. | ||
| If it doesn't want to connect with me, I'm like, I get it. | ||
| We're not cool. | ||
| I've never been a cat guy, for one. | ||
| I'm a dog guy, but I'm kind of like, I think you're just different than I am. | ||
| Like, I have two dogs, three dogs. | ||
| Two dogs, three dogs. | ||
| Well, I'm different than I was. | ||
| Like, I wouldn't do that today. | ||
| I don't have the time to be spending two days with a fucking crazy cat. | ||
| But what was that part of your personality that was into? | ||
| Because I was a refugee, too. | ||
| I was like, I understood what this cat was going through. | ||
| He got a bad fucking hand of cards. | ||
| That's my wife. | ||
| That's my wife. | ||
| All people. | ||
| My wife is a refugee in her life, and she goes, animal, she connects more with animals. | ||
| I wish she'd talked to me the way she'd talk to animals. | ||
| Like this, she goes... | ||
| What about, what are you saying? | ||
| Like, I fucking, I get up... | ||
| What about sex? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I wish you'd talk to me! | ||
| I wish you'd talk to me! | ||
| I wish you'd talk to the dog! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get down! | |
| Get down! | ||
| Let's go! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrorists! | |
| She gets up, and then it's like, she'll be tired and exhausted, and I'm like, hey, you want to hang out? | ||
| She's like, I got a busy day. | ||
| And then you'll hear her in the other room. | ||
| She's like, too, too bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How you doing? | |
| Like, she'll sing songs to them. | ||
| To the dog. | ||
| To all of them. | ||
| And I go, how do I get that personality to me? | ||
| You gotta stop talking. | ||
| The problem is we talk. | ||
| And we all talk. | ||
| And we're like, bitch, that's not 100% what you mean. | ||
| And that gets other people upset. | ||
| And they don't want to talk to you. | ||
| Is your wife a big animal person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Not really. | ||
| She loves Marshall. | ||
| Marshall's a different animal. | ||
| Yeah, Marshall's like a weird human sort of slash dog thing. | ||
| How could you acclimate him to the new house? | ||
| Oh, it was so easy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was so easy. | ||
| He doesn't care as long as you're there. | ||
| He's so easy. | ||
| He's the best dog of all time. | ||
| That dog, like, I got an Instagram page. | ||
| It's Marshall May Rogan. | ||
| That dog is a weird dog, man. | ||
| He's an empath. | ||
| He knows how you're thinking. | ||
| I hate when people say that about their dogs as a reveal. | ||
| I hate it, but the reality is some dogs, they're tuned into you. | ||
| That dog's tuned into me. | ||
| I look at him, I go, what, bitch? | ||
| And he'll come over and start licking my face, I go, what, bitch? | ||
| And then he'll be on my back and he's kissing me. | ||
| He knows what I'm playing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He knows fucking with him. | ||
| Yeah, he knows fucking with him. | ||
| And then he also knows like pure love. | ||
| Like when I get up in the morning, one of the first things I do, one of the first things I do in the morning, after I say hi to my family and everything like that, I go to Marshall and I go, good morning, sir! | ||
| Good morning! | ||
| And he gets so excited. | ||
| He runs and grabs a toy and he starts whimpering and running around in circles. | ||
| I go, good morning, sir! | ||
| Like he wants like the morning to be a big deal. | ||
| The average American that has a dog doesn't do that. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| A lot of people do. | ||
| The thing about dogs is they are what you... | ||
| It's a weird animal in that there's some dogs that are legitimately always great. | ||
| And one of those is Marshall, the Golden Retrievers. | ||
| They're legitimately always super sweet family type dogs. | ||
| They're a great breed. | ||
| But the other thing is what you put into that dog is how that dog treats you. | ||
| And like, I see that with Marshall. | ||
| Like in the morning, we have this little weird ritual. | ||
| I go, good morning, sir! | ||
| And he's like, oh! | ||
| And I make a big deal out of it. | ||
| I make a big deal out of it with him. | ||
| And he gets all excited. | ||
| So when he sees me in the morning, his tail's fucking going like crazy. | ||
| And we have fun together. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| There's a thing that's... | ||
| If I just treated the morning like normal parts of the day, come on, you want to go outside? | ||
| Go outside. | ||
| Go take a shit. | ||
| Come on, let's go. | ||
| Back inside. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, I don't care. | ||
| Like, I made every morning, like, a special event. | ||
| Like, ooh, look at you! | ||
| And he lies in his back. | ||
| He's like, pick my tummy. | ||
| It's a different kind of dog, man. | ||
| I've had a bunch of different dogs in my life. | ||
| What was Johnny Cash? | ||
| He was a Regency Mastiff. | ||
| He was a super, super, super sweet dog. | ||
| He was a great dog. | ||
| He was wonderful, but he had a real problem with his joints. | ||
| He was a big dog. | ||
| And as he got over, it was devastating. | ||
| Towards the end of his life. | ||
| He couldn't really walk anymore. | ||
| So I had to carry him from the backyard into the house because he would move like maybe at the most 10 yards from the door. | ||
| That was the most towards the end of his life. | ||
| And I would say, at the end of the night, I'd be like, you hungry, buddy? | ||
| You want to eat? | ||
| And he would, like, get up and, like, look at me. | ||
| And I would just lift him. | ||
| And he was, like, 140-plus pounds. | ||
| And I would carry him into the house. | ||
| And I would set him down in front of his food and feed him. | ||
| And then I would let him go outside, go to the bathroom. | ||
| And then I'd pick him back up and bring him back inside. | ||
| And then at a certain point in time, I was like... | ||
| I don't want to see him die in pain over a period of several weeks. | ||
| The most humane thing would be to figure out when's the right time to stop this and put him down. | ||
| It was the saddest fucking... | ||
| It was so sad, man, because he was such a genuinely sweet dog. | ||
| It was so sweet. | ||
| Those mastiffs are uniquely sweet. | ||
| Like, they're so big. | ||
| They're so sweet. | ||
| We had Priscilla for a long time. | ||
| She's the greatest dog in the world. | ||
| I had to put her down. | ||
| I ended up telling a joke about her at Red Rocks and crying on stage. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| It's like, fuck it. | ||
| If you're a dog person, you get it. | ||
| You don't give a fuck. | ||
| And if you're not a dog person, then go fuck yourself. | ||
| Shots fired. | ||
| If you're not a dog person, I don't think I want to know you. | ||
| If you're not an animal person, I'd love... | ||
| Yeah, but what if you got bit by a dog when you're four? | ||
| My sister. | ||
| My sister. | ||
| Damn, that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| You're so rude to your sister. | ||
| But like and then we now we got we got to come over your house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got two bull Mastiffs. | ||
| She gets sketched out a little bit sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe we should be such a fucking shitty brother and put those dogs in a room. | ||
| Maybe she should learn how to get a gun. | ||
| We got two Bull Mastiffs and they're fucking sad. | ||
| I love these goddamn dogs. | ||
| Mastiffs are great dogs because they're literally designed to protect people. | ||
| But the thing about them is they're so big that a lot of them have joint problems. | ||
| I'm worried about that with Mac, our big one. | ||
| Big Mac is like 140 pounds, the biggest fucking head you've seen. | ||
| What kind of dog? | ||
| Bull Mastiff. | ||
| Bull Mastiff. | ||
| Do you have a Neapolitan? | ||
| No, we have another Bull Mastiff, Izzy, which is the reverse brindle that you hit me up and you're like, that's a good looking dog. | ||
| Beautiful dog. | ||
| Izzy's a fucking lunatic, but Mac is like a fucking stand at the door, like, look like a badass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and it is fucking awesome. | |
| Yeah, because you got some big thing that's protecting you from the outside world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why they were designed. | ||
| I go on the road, and then you got this fucking 140-pound monster and my dog. | ||
| That's my wife and my dog. | ||
| That was a mom joke. | ||
| Edit that out. | ||
| But it's great to have this fucking monster sitting at your front door that people are going, like, is your dog cool? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes he gets sketched out by a salesman. | ||
| Or he gets fucking worked up and scares the shit out of people. | ||
| I remember meeting Johnny Cash. | ||
| He was a sweet dog, right? | ||
| You got him through Fear Factor, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the guys who was a trainer of one of the attack dogs we used on Fear Factor, my friend Joe, he was breeding these dogs that were part Neapolitan Mastiff and part Pit Bull. | ||
| And one of the things that was amazing was how chill the dog was. | ||
| So I go to the guy and his dog, his dog named Curly, and what would happen, people put on those dog bite suits, and the people would run, the dog would attack them and throw them to the ground. | ||
| And I said, this dog is so friendly. | ||
| I go, how do you get him to do what you want him to do? | ||
| And he said, the whole thing is like, for a friendly dog, you just got to make sure that the dogs that are super aggressive, you don't breed them. | ||
| So if you have a large stable of dogs, like when a dog becomes super aggressive towards other dogs, just don't let them breed. | ||
| And the dogs that are chill, you let them breed. | ||
| And then you slowly develop, he'd been doing it for decades, you develop a breed like Marshall. | ||
| that like is just friendly to everybody yeah and it's interesting that you can do it it's interesting that you went from like because you raised pit bulls that were rescues to those bull mastiffs to now marshall which is such a family dog well i love all kinds of dogs like my oldest daughter has like a chihuahua slash um whip it mix he's this little yeah oh my god he runs to me like full clip I like all dogs, man. | ||
| I like French bulldogs. | ||
| Have you seen the Whippet pit bull mix? | ||
| No, it's not true. | ||
| That's not what it is. | ||
| What it is is the Whippet has myostatin inhibitors. | ||
| It's like there's a missing thing in their genetics. | ||
| That thing's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| So it's a myostatin deficiency. | ||
| And so what this is is the dog has some crazy genetic... | ||
| Anomaly that allows it to grow many, many times the muscle that a regular whippet has. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yes. | ||
| And humans have it sometimes, too. | ||
| So there's a whippet on the right, and on the left is a whippet with this myostatin inhibitor issue. | ||
| But there's humans. | ||
| There's a German boy that was born. | ||
| Pull him up. | ||
| Pull him up. | ||
| German boy myostatin inhibitors. | ||
| And there's been a few boys that are born around the world where they have like immense muscles at like six. | ||
| Look at that kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jacked! | |
| Look at these kids. | ||
| Oh, shut up. | ||
| Well, that's kids on roids. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Here's another problem. | ||
| Okay, just Google German boy. | ||
| Oh, that's it right there. | ||
| That guy right there. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Click on that kid on the second page. | ||
| I think... | ||
| Oh, that's fake. | ||
| That's so fake. | ||
| This takes time. | ||
| If you want to Google all the kids... | ||
| I was spending my night doing that. | ||
| Just see if you can Google myostatin inhibitor boy. | ||
| Look at that kid's bicep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like Roy Jones Jr. Jesus Christ. | |
| Went to a high school with a kid like that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Myostatin boy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The problem is some of these kids... | ||
| Well, that kid's a perfect example. | ||
| Jesus Christ, these jacks. | ||
| Look how jacked that son is. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Imagine if you were in first grade with that kid, and you're like, oh my god, my lunch money's gone forever. | ||
| I remember being 13 with a kid like that. | ||
| I wish I remembered his name. | ||
| He was shaving already, and he had muscles. | ||
| He was 13, he was shaving! | ||
| 13 shaving. | ||
| That's not fair. | ||
| And I remember being like, he shouldn't pitch. | ||
| Dude, that's the same story that I had. | ||
| When I was playing baseball, I was 13, I was playing baseball, and there was this kid that everybody was like, I want to see his birth certificate! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Dude, I wish I remembered this kid's fucking name. | ||
| He was, like, throwing heat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| This kid was a pitcher, too. | ||
| I mean, music, but this kid's... | ||
| Supposedly this kid's 11 years old. | ||
| He's 11! | ||
| Which kid's 11? | ||
| The one you're watching right here that's throwing everyone around. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| That kid's 11? | ||
| How big is he? | ||
| How big is he supposed to be? | ||
| Alright, here's my hot take. | ||
| But he's so big. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Is he really 11? | ||
| Are those 11 year old? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are 11 year old kids. | ||
| And a man throwing them around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| A grown man. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| There's no way he's 11. Well. | ||
| His mom might have lied. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, it's not fair. | ||
| That's the thing about athletics. | ||
| If you look at LeBron James versus Mighty Mouse, it's not fair. | ||
| So what advancement do you think LeBron James has by being consistently that much bigger than all the kids his whole life and then being as big as the adults? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Was it The Outliers that had this, was that the book? | ||
| I believe it was the book. | ||
| It was. | ||
| I read about where they were talking about kids that were born at a certain time of the year. | ||
| So if you were born at a certain time of the year, I forget what time of the year was. | ||
| January. | ||
| You moved into the earlier grade versus the later grade. | ||
| So depending upon when you were born, you could be like a kid who's like at the extreme end of 14, and you could be with someone who is just getting into 14 at the exact same time, and you all be in 9th grade. | ||
| The problem is you're way closer to 10th grade, and they're in 9th grade, and you're going to be bigger. | ||
| So you're going to be able to get away with more things. | ||
| You have more testosterone. | ||
| You might have 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 months more development and growth, which at 14 is gigantic. | ||
| So those kids disproportionately become more successful at sports. | ||
| And since we already know that, why the fuck are we letting that happen? | ||
| Why aren't we figuring out a way to pair kids up by the actual age, like whether it's within quarters or By size. | ||
| Are you bored? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| All the pro hockey players are all born in January to February. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| All the pros. | ||
| And it's like at a certain point you go, well then it's a disadvantage to any kid that... | ||
| When I say all, I'm definitely wrong. | ||
| I'm gonna say all and say I'm right. | ||
| I'm definitely wrong. | ||
| I think even Malcolm Gladwell. | ||
| Was it Malcolm? | ||
| No, it wasn't. | ||
| Who was the outliers? | ||
| Who wrote that? | ||
| It wasn't Gladwell. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| It was Michael Gladwell, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Why do I think it wasn't him? | ||
| There's another one called The Superman Gene. | ||
| It's a similar book, but it's like... | ||
| Is it Mickey Mantle Gene? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| No, that's a different thing. | ||
| What's Superman, Gene? | ||
| I realized one thing during that whole Sober October thing that we did, that fitness challenge. | ||
| I'm like, I can't be doing these because I will definitely die. | ||
| Oh, you will. | ||
| You definitely will. | ||
| We will all die. | ||
| No, you have that fast trigger brain that doesn't let you just relax. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| The rise of Superman. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Steven Collar. | ||
| The Rise of Superman. | ||
| That was a real problem, though. | ||
| We were all working out way too much for one month. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's like a Goggins thing or a Cam Haynes thing. | ||
| There's a certain part of your life where you have to acknowledge that that's too much time and effort. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It made me crazy. | ||
| The first time we did it, it made me crazy. | ||
| And Tom kept texting me. | ||
| He was like, you're just a comic. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| You're just a comic. | ||
| He kept texting you about it? | ||
| Yeah, because I was losing my mind. | ||
| What were you losing your mind about? | ||
| It wasn't the first one, second one, when we wore the... | ||
| The fitness challenge. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I made the mistake of challenging you, and I was like, whatever you do, I do double. | ||
| And I was joking, and you were like, oh, I'll do fucking ten times. | ||
| We started setting off sprinkler systems in your house. | ||
| I set the fucking fire alarm off in my gym. | ||
| But it started to fuck with my head because I'd wake up and I'd be like, you're at 5,000 or is it 2,000? | ||
| And I'm sitting there at like 800 going like, fuck. | ||
| I really started losing my mind about it. | ||
| Tom's like, hey man, we're having fun. | ||
| How about when Tom got the flu and he had to take like four days off and then he came back and ran 13 miles? | ||
| And you know what he was doing? | ||
| You know what he was doing? | ||
| He was doing that dance video. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was doing the dance video. | ||
| He's like, yeah, I got sick. | ||
| I'm not going to do it. | ||
| I went for a hike the other day, and then all of a sudden I was like, $13,000. | ||
| I go, where the fuck did you get that from? | ||
| He goes, I don't know. | ||
| And then we go back, and it was that dance goddamn video. | ||
| Well, I got you guys on two things. | ||
| One, I got you guys on a John Wick marathon. | ||
| I watched a John Wick marathon where I watched John Wick like 13 times in a row, and I think I did 8 hours at 145 beats per minute. | ||
| That's crazy, Joe. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| I want to see how far I can keep going. | ||
| I still think about Ari on that rowing machine when his heart rate's at like 157 and he's been doing it for an hour. | ||
| And I remember looking at that thing going like, I don't have that in me. | ||
| I don't have that in me at all. | ||
| I'm not competing in this. | ||
| But you do. | ||
| What is this, 86%? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then is this the Ari thing? | ||
| Yeah, that's Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| That's 184 fucking points. | ||
| Keeping it in the yellow the whole time. | ||
| 158. On this fucking thing. | ||
| This is hard, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Hard work! | ||
| Oh, he's hitting the red. | ||
| He's never looked better. | ||
| That was fun as fuck, Joe. | ||
| You don't hit that fucking red. | ||
| Yeah, it was fun. | ||
| It made me crazy, but that was fun as fucking shit. | ||
| My wife made me promise that I wasn't going to do that again. | ||
| It was so much fun waking up and seeing what you guys' numbers were. | ||
| You'd look at the numbers and you'd go like, alright, I got a shot. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| This is what I think. | ||
| It's good to know that you can do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's good to know that if shit gets crazy, you can push yourself into some weird space where you're doing seven hours of cardio a day, which is what we were all doing. | ||
| Oh, dude, I remember one night... | ||
| But it's not good to do it all the time. | ||
| It was not healthy. | ||
| It's not healthy. | ||
| I remember one night, I get on the treadmill, and I ran, and this is when I had that fucking, that one we had to run it yourself, you know? | ||
| Oh, yeah, those are the best. | ||
| Yeah, I had that one. | ||
| Self-propelled treadmills. | ||
| And I get off, and I go to bed with Leanne, and you guys all posted your numbers while I was on the treadmill. | ||
| And I went out in my neighborhood, and I ran seven miles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| And I remember being so clear on my goal and going, like, I'd run to get my heart rate into the fucking green or the yellow or whatever. | ||
| And then you'd just run, and then you'd be like, all right, I'm here. | ||
| And then I'd study, and the green has to run harder. | ||
| It was like the clearest I've ever been with fitness. | ||
| I did that... | ||
| I remember I fucked up because at the very beginning I ran like a marathon in one day. | ||
| And everyone was like, oh, you posted dot dot dot? | ||
| Well, we'll show you what that was. | ||
| And then all of a sudden everyone's number skyrocketed. | ||
| That was the funnest... | ||
| That really was probably the funnest, at the beginning, the funnest we've ever had in Sober October. | ||
| Because it got... | ||
| I got way out of control. | ||
| You know when it turned dark? | ||
| When was it for you? | ||
| Ari Shafir watched a movie on his iPad while he was doing cardio, and he said it's way easier if you just watch a movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, he's right. | ||
| I've just been just suffering, trying to get through the suffering. | ||
| If you watch something that's interesting, it'll take away the suffering. | ||
| And so I started watching John Wick, and I watched John Wick like 150 times in a row. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I watched John Wick like literally 10 times in a day. | |
| I just was watching only the bathhouse scene. | ||
| I was watching this scene where he walks up and he puts the gun to the bouncer's head. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| And the guy, he says hello. | ||
| He says, Mr. Wick. | ||
| And he said, oh, you've lost weight. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, I died. | ||
| He speaks in Russian. | ||
| He's like 60Q. He's like, oh, impressive. | ||
| And he says, are you here for business? | ||
| They're, afraid so, Francis. | ||
| And he goes, why don't you take the night off? | ||
| And the guy takes the fucking earphones out. | ||
| He goes, thank you, Mr. Wick. | ||
| And he moves away. | ||
| And then John Wick goes in the bathhouse and kills everyone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I watched that scene over and over. | |
| And I marked it on Apple, iTunes, or ITV, or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| I watched it over and over and over and over again. | ||
| This is when you broke your fucking house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fucking fire alarm. | |
| Look at the puddle. | ||
| Look at that sweat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Look at that sweat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that sweat. | |
| While that was happening, it was like... | ||
| John Wick running through the fucking Russian bathhouse with a gun, trying to kill... | ||
| Dude, I did not have that in my brain. | ||
| I did not have that in my brain. | ||
| Like, I remember... | ||
| You have it. | ||
| You just gotta dig. | ||
| Who's carrying the boats? | ||
| Weird shit has to happen to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Bert, this is a legit, record-setting podcast. | ||
| How many hours, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do we got? | |
| We're running up on five right now. | ||
| Five hours, son. | ||
| Let's let all these... | ||
| Pussies online, get upset, and write some articles! | ||
| Yeah, send them out, and then title them, Who's Carrying the Boats? | ||
| Who's Gonna Carry the Boats? | ||
| Who's Gonna Carry the Boats? | ||
| Who's Carrying the Boats? | ||
| That's my question. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| And I need David Goggins to make that shirt. | ||
| I need him to make that shirt because I want to wear that shirt. | ||
| Who's Gonna Carry the Boats? | ||
| Because I want someone to see me. | ||
| The thing about merch is when they see you and they know it. | ||
| Dude, my wife says that to me all the time. | ||
| She'll just yell out, Who's Gonna Carry the Boats? | ||
| I mean, if I'm wearing that shirt and you see me and you go, who's going to carry the boats? | ||
| I go, David Goggins carries the boats! | ||
| I gotta pee again. | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| I love you dearly. | ||
| Burt Kreischer, you're the fucking man. | ||
| Love you, brother. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Love you, too. | ||
| Move to Texas. | ||
| I love you! |
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