Aug. 21, 2020 - The Joe Rogan Experience
51:28
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| First of all, how do you two not have a show together? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Hanging with you guys the other night at the store, first of all, how much fun was that? | ||
| The best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so much fun. | |
| It was so fun. | ||
| I can't remember because it's been so long. | ||
| It's been like six months now. | ||
| Was that what every night was like? | ||
| A lot of nights were like that. | ||
| We just had the craziest circus freak night. | ||
| Just fun. | ||
| Just laughing constantly. | ||
| We used to go to the back bar and crack each other up. | ||
| That was the constant thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For hours. | |
| It was either in the back bar or the back smoking area and everybody was laughing. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And you get like a low-grade depression when you're not around it. | ||
| Yeah, it's so true. | ||
| You forget for months and months and months. | ||
| And then we had one night where we were all like, ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so true. | |
| Just shooting up and saying ridiculous shit. | ||
| I do feel like I had like a crush on the night. | ||
| Like I kept thinking about it like we'd fucked for the first time. | ||
| I was like, I fucked that night. | ||
| And I was like, is he thinking about me too? | ||
| And I was like texting with you guys. | ||
| We spent three days replaying the night. | ||
| Remember when you said this? | ||
| That was so funny. | ||
| I got so emotional when I pulled up and then I walked into the store, I almost cried. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe I'm here. | ||
| If I had been away for five months and I came back, I'd be like, I can't believe I'm here, that'd be great. | ||
| But I was like, ooh, is here gonna ever be here again? | ||
| Is it ever gonna be what it used to be? | ||
| There's no reason why it shouldn't be if we could do it the other night. | ||
| The way we did it the other night, everybody gets tested, you go and hang out, and it's fun, and we have a great time. | ||
| That was STD tests, but we do all have COVID, unfortunately. | ||
| My chlamydia killed my COVID, so I'm good. | ||
| Well, COVID goes away. | ||
| We think. | ||
| Fingers crossed. | ||
| Yeah, we don't know, right? | ||
| What if it's an annual thing? | ||
| It keeps coming back. | ||
| I have a friend who got malaria, and then he got malaria again when he got sick. | ||
| So it had been dormant inside of his system. | ||
| My friend Justin Wren, he runs Fight for the Forgotten. | ||
| He does charities in the Congo. | ||
| He builds wells for the pygmies. | ||
| And he's there all... | ||
| He got malaria three fucking times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| And so he goes over there, he gets malaria, like deathly ill, comes back, and then he beats it, does all the medication, and then a long time later, he gets really sick, and when he gets sick, the malaria kicks back in again. | ||
| And he wasn't even in the Congo. | ||
| The malaria's like, not to be forgotten. | ||
| He's like, this is a charity for me. | ||
| Malaria has killed more people than anything. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Like anything ever. | ||
| More than wars, I think. | ||
| My dad had malaria. | ||
| He was born in Panama because his dad was stationed there, and he got malaria when he was a baby, but it never came up again. | ||
| He never had any problems with it. | ||
| Jamie, didn't we look this up? | ||
| Didn't they say that, no, I fucked this up, that malaria has killed half the people who have ever died ever? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa! | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| When we looked it up, it's been exaggerated a little bit, but it's definitely killed a lot of people. | ||
| Let's say a quarter. | ||
| If we say a quarter, it's probably pretty... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something like that. | |
| Imagine that. | ||
| Just let's say 25% of all the people that have ever died, ever, have been killed by malaria. | ||
| Mosquitoes, right? | ||
| I just put this on my Twitter or my Instagram that they released or they're about to release some fucking untold hundreds of millions of genetically modified mosquitoes in the Everglades. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw that! | |
| In the Everglades or in the Florida Keys? | ||
| Florida, I think. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| And what is it supposed to do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You get some fucking nerds. | ||
| Did you read it? | ||
| Delivering the vaccine. | ||
| I got scared. | ||
| I pulled away from it. | ||
| And then I got a text from a friend of mine who's a biologist and he was like, what the fuck are they doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're scared, now I'm really scared! | |
| I saw you post that, and I was like, maybe I should read the article, and then I was like, reading's really challenging. | ||
| Maybe I'll just go and ask Rogan what happened. | ||
| I'm still catching up on murder hornets. | ||
| I still don't know what happened with the pee tape. | ||
| Every day is some crazy adrenalizing story. | ||
| Do you think the pee tape is real, and is it going to come out right before the election? | ||
| If it does come out right before the election... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody's going to care! | |
| But does it work now because of the mail-in thing? | ||
| People are already voting. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I think we are sort of at a point where nothing fucking matters. | ||
| We're in this sort of nihilistic thing where it's like if a pee tape came out right now of Trump peeing on someone, we'd just be like... | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| People that like Trump aren't like, I like him because of how he treats women. | ||
| I like how he doesn't pee on women. | ||
| I love how women leave the room with him dry from urine. | ||
| As long as he didn't apologize, he'd be fine. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| As soon as you apologize, you're fucked. | ||
| You can't cancel Trump. | ||
| It's like in a car accident, the first person to apologize, it's their fault, so you gotta just get out in the car accident and just be like, what the fuck, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck was up? | |
| But it is a gross thing when someone hits you and then they say that was your fault. | ||
| You're like, oh, this is the grossest. | ||
| Oh, never apologize. | ||
| You told me that your dad told you that, right? | ||
| Never apologize. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Which you told me after I got in a car accident. | ||
| The one advice my dad gave me that was the best advice was, when you're in a car accident, never say sorry because you'll get blamed for it. | ||
| But what if you actually did it? | ||
| Then you should say sorry. | ||
| If you hit somebody with your car. | ||
| No, you look at them and you go like, I'm going to sue the shit out of you. | ||
| You missing a leg? | ||
| I'm not paying for that. | ||
| Don't you think you should say sorry if you re-end someone? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| I was thinking about you because you posted that irresistible, that book the other day. | ||
| Dude, I re-ended someone texting like a year ago and I got out and I was like, I know I need to have a consequence for this behavior because I was texting and driving. | ||
| Well, you have to get the consequence, Caitlyn Jenner. | ||
| You have to become a man. | ||
| You have to transition after you do it. | ||
| Can you give me your doctor, Annie? | ||
| Well, there's no consequences. | ||
| That's how you avoid the consequences, right? | ||
| Because nobody even talks about the Caitlyn Jenner thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy, right? | ||
| Is it Kurt that has the joke where he's like, he harvested the vagina of the woman he killed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| That is what I miss so much. | ||
| Honestly. | ||
| And that's Kurt Metzger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hasn't been cancelled in a couple years. | |
| He needs to be re-canceled. | ||
| That's such a Kurt joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's gonna wake up and be like, fuck you guys, you just cancelled me. | |
| It's a travesty that that guy's not more well known. | ||
| And every time I do podcasts with him too. | ||
| He's funny on podcasts. | ||
| He's smart as fuck. | ||
| He's really well read. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Yeah, his ideas are very unique, funny, smart. | ||
| Something that was so important at the Comedy Store the other night is that these last six months have sort of hoodwinked me into believing that jokes are dead, that we're not allowed to make jokes anymore. | ||
| Because Twitter, we're hallucinating with all the shit we're seeing on Twitter and blowing it up to be bigger than it should be. | ||
| But as soon as I saw Tony Hinchcliffe, I threw up. | ||
| I said the most offensive shit possible and everyone exploded and laughed and I was like, ah! | ||
| We'll fuck it back! | ||
| Oh, he's the best for that. | ||
| That little motherfucker will say the most evil shit. | ||
| No, the moment something happens, there's no too soon for, I mean, Tony's like... | ||
| No, no, no, no, not Tony! | ||
| But I don't think we're designed to just be on the internet. | ||
| If you're just on the internet and not seeing human beings and making jokes around actual people, you can be tricked into thinking that that shit's real. | ||
| Well, Stanhope really said it best once. | ||
| He said, I could quit comedy, but I couldn't quit comics. | ||
| And that's what the other night was like. | ||
| I've had my little fix where I did a weekend in Houston a month or so ago, but it wasn't as fun as that night. | ||
| That night was the most fun because it was just a bunch of comics just laughing at each other. | ||
| Screaming, laughing, talking over each other. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| But it's the art form of saying shit you don't really mean and everyone knows it. | ||
| We all know, like if you say something really gross to me, I know you don't mean it and I'm laughing hard. | ||
| It's like it's understood and it's also understood that you're taking a big fucking chance with our friendship by saying this crazy shit around me. | ||
| Because you trust me. | ||
| It's like the ultimate trust fall or something. | ||
| Like I'm going to say some crazy shit to you, you're not going to abandon me or judge me and you're going to be, it's like a trauma bond. | ||
| Trauma Bond. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my favorite! | |
| That's the name of your next special. | ||
| Bond. | ||
| Trauma Bond. | ||
| I'm gonna name it. | ||
| That totally should be a special. | ||
| Trauma Bond. | ||
| That's a great name for a special. | ||
| I've said some things to you where you've looked at me like, and I'm like, Are we not friends anymore? | ||
| There's two things I said to you that I'll never forget. | ||
| I just say things when they come to my head. | ||
| If I react that way, it's because I have to react that way. | ||
| Once I was like, do you think you have CTE and you could possibly at one point murder your family? | ||
| Do you think I could? | ||
| And I was like, oh, I don't know. | ||
| Can I have a fanny pack? | ||
| But, you know, part of the fun is mock anger. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What the fuck did you just say to me? | ||
| It's like emotional sparring or something, you know? | ||
| And it's really fucked up because, like, just what's been going on the last couple of years, you know, it's like I never feel more equal. | ||
| Like, when people want to talk about men and women, I never feel more equal than when a male comic is fucking pummeling me. | ||
| Not physically, because they know I can fucking take it. | ||
| And you pummel right back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's exactly right. | |
| That's what's fun about it. | ||
| They're not doing it to be a bully. | ||
| They're doing it because you want to spar. | ||
| And you can handle it. | ||
| And you're like, okay, bitch. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| And then everyone's at it. | ||
| Nobody wants you to go like, ow, and then like sulk and walk away. | ||
| That will ruin everything. | ||
| That ruins everything. | ||
| Thank you for not thinking I'm fragile. | ||
| But it is funny when you just go like a little too far. | ||
| Well, that's the risk! | ||
| Well, the pink hair thing I wrote about you, I was like, is she going to get mad at me about that? | ||
| She tweeted, we were FaceTiming last night, and she tweeted, or Instagrammed a picture of it, and she goes, Annie Letterman, you're a mess. | ||
| And I wrote, okay, pink hair. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| I don't know, I was just like, is she going to get offended? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some people have weird Achilles heels, you know? | ||
| Some people have weird, I mean, I'm doing the roasts all the time. | ||
| It's amazing how you can accuse people of rape and say, like, crazy shit, racist shit, but then as soon as you say, like, your dog's ugly, like, They want to fucking storm off. | ||
| And that's you, obviously. | ||
| Gross Battle was really good for comedy. | ||
| Really good for comedy. | ||
| That's where Annie and I met the first time. | ||
| Oh, should we talk about it? | ||
| Our meet-cute story? | ||
| We didn't start off on great terms. | ||
| It was okay, though. | ||
| It wasn't that bad. | ||
| You texted me so fast afterwards that I was like, it's so weird Whitney Cummings just texted me. | ||
| You are intimidating. | ||
| I am going to say that. | ||
| There's something very intimidating about you. | ||
| It's because you're showing your midriff at all times. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| All different shapes of muffins. | ||
| It doesn't matter what genre of... | ||
| I'm afraid I'm going to get tetanus from your hoops. | ||
| Well, you're confident. | ||
| That's one thing. | ||
| It's Asperger's, honestly. | ||
| There's a fear that you could be mean. | ||
| So that's what people are scared of. | ||
| That you're confident, but you might be mean. | ||
| It's like, ooh, I've got to tread lightly. | ||
| I always think the funniest thing is the truth. | ||
| You also dress. | ||
| You wear military garb. | ||
| You dress like a Navy SEAL. I do look anti-Semitic. | ||
| I'm going to be honest with these boots. | ||
| What about those boots? | ||
| You know, I just was like, should I wear sneakers or boots? | ||
| Annie's dad didn't love her. | ||
| No, my dad loved me a lot. | ||
| Too much. | ||
| Very mean. | ||
| No, not that much. | ||
| Way too much. | ||
| No, I was a teacher. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Now you're just bragging. | ||
| I don't want to brag, but... | ||
| No, but so I did... | ||
| It was when Jason Reitman was filming the roast battle for Sundance. | ||
| And it was me against Mike Lawrence, who's an old friend of mine. | ||
| We did mics together and stuff. | ||
| And... | ||
| You and Dane Cook were the judge. | ||
| And I remember coming out and being so excited that Dane was there because I had a joke written. | ||
| But I went, Dane, I'm such a big fan. | ||
| I'm so glad you're here. | ||
| But I'm confused. | ||
| If you're here, who's at the improv getting bumped by Chris D'Elia? | ||
| And he just went away. | ||
| I didn't expect he was going to go. | ||
| He went... | ||
| He went like, that was funny, and then he liked me afterwards, and I was scared because I was like, is he going to tell me how my jokes suck now? | ||
| But he was cool. | ||
| But then he said something else where he said to someone, you know, you're really good, you're going to be very successful, and I was like, yeah, but just don't take financial advice from Dan Cook. | ||
| He was like, don't hire his business manager. | ||
| His story that he told in your mom's house of how his brother stole his money is terrifying. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Well, you said to me, I was saying, I was like, when I'm rich, I'm going to get a chef. | ||
| And you were like, keep your circle small, Annie. | ||
| You don't want a fucking chef. | ||
| You don't even want an assistant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you have an assistant, that means you do too much shit. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| And by the time you tell someone to do something, you could have just done it yourself. | ||
| Look, you can get lucky. | ||
| I have friends that have had assistants that wind up being their best friends, and it's great. | ||
| They're just a cool person that they met that needed a job. | ||
| But I also have friends that got sued by their assistant, and David Spade got tasered and tied up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Almost murdered. | |
| Almost murdered by his assistant. | ||
| His assistant was trying to kill him. | ||
| David Spade has on his bedroom door a fucking latch, like a medieval wooden latch. | ||
| And the fucked up part is it's from the outside. | ||
| So when you go in, you can't leave. | ||
| Imagine being a girl going in to hook up and he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, damn. | |
| That's so crazy. | ||
| And he's a small man. | ||
| He's a tiny little guy. | ||
| So the fear of that must have been terrifying. | ||
| Yeah, and I think the assistant, he told a story. | ||
| He had overdosed on Tylenol PM or something. | ||
| And if you take enough of that, your body goes into shock and you produce crazy adrenaline and has the opposite of a soporific effect or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So the guy was like hopped up and nuts. | ||
| And I think David had a gun under his bed and the guy took the gun out. | ||
| I mean, it's wild. | ||
| Be careful who you give the keys to your house to. | ||
| Oh, I was going to say, be careful if you try to rob David Spade. | ||
| He's got a gun under his bed. | ||
| Or if you do, just come in slow and sneak under the bed first. | ||
| It is a water gun for his comedy bits. | ||
| But also, any assistant that wants to be a celebrity assistant wants what you have. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Or maybe they just think it's a good job. | ||
| Generalizations are our business. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| You can have a nice assistant. | ||
| You can have a nice secretary. | ||
| You can have good people you work with. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are comedy teams, and it works out great. | ||
| Look at Matt Stone and Trey Parker. | ||
| Those fucking guys have been banging it out and making awesome shit forever. | ||
|
unidentified
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It can work. | |
| They've been banging. | ||
| They're not out. | ||
| They're not out. | ||
| But so how do we meet it? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But, you know, it's like, there's generalizations. | ||
| We always like to talk about comedy marriages. | ||
| They don't work out. | ||
| But sometimes they work out. | ||
| Yeah, Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Rich Voss, Bonnie McFarlane. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Tom and Christina. | ||
| Natasha and Mosha. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They work. | ||
| Yeah, Tom and Christina. | ||
| There's a bunch of them. | ||
| I'm excited to see these kids and what happens to these kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they'll be funny. | |
| They'll be funny kids. | ||
| Yeah, they're going to be hilarious. | ||
| They have to be. | ||
| Well, Rich and Bonnie's daughter just turned, I think she turned 13, Raina. | ||
| She is the fucking funny. | ||
| Sometimes she does their show with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I've known her since she was a kid. | ||
| You think I'm scary. | ||
| I'm like, your daughter's like a cunt in the good way. | ||
| She's so funny. | ||
| She's so cutting. | ||
| But I see her and I'm like, you've got to be on your toes because she's the funniest, sharpest. | ||
| She's funnier than both of them. | ||
| Can you imagine growing up in that house? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Rich Ross has one of my favorite jokes that we're probably not allowed to tell anymore. | ||
| This joke is just fucking killing me. | ||
| He'd go, I don't mind fucking a girl on her period. | ||
| I just pretend like I'm killing her. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| That's a perfect example. | ||
| The reason why we're laughing is because he doesn't really mean that. | ||
| That's the problem with writing something like that down in quotes. | ||
| You would go, these guys, these fucking assholes are laughing at this. | ||
| Only because it's It's not real. | ||
| But also the same people that are complaining about it are the people that watch true crime shit and are literally masturbating and falling asleep to a beautiful tale of murder. | ||
| Yeah, see, they watch CSI, they watch SVU, all these things. | ||
| Isn't it weird how many of those shows there are? | ||
| Tons. | ||
| People love it. | ||
| And the ones, the really dumb ones, like the CSI ones that are so clunky, like at the end, no disrespect, but you know what I'm saying. | ||
| They kind of have to be. | ||
| They're wrapping up a show in an hour. | ||
| But at the end of it, it's always like, and they catch the bad guy. | ||
| Every time, you're like, whew. | ||
| Now I can sleep. | ||
| Isn't that what was in that book, Irresistible, that you were just posting about? | ||
| Our brains are wired to need completion. | ||
| We have to get to the end of something. | ||
| Even if you're watching a shitty movie, if someone turns it off, you're like, I have to fucking know how it ends. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| We're not edging with this movie. | ||
| No Country for Old Men was disappointing for a lot of people. | ||
| Because the end, you're like, hey, that guy is okay? | ||
| He gets away? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's a wild movie. | ||
| That's a wild movie. | ||
| I rewatched a lot of classic movies over the last six months because we haven't been able to do anything. | ||
| And I rewatched that shit. | ||
| That shit is insane. | ||
| The haircut is the craziest part of that movie. | ||
| His haircut's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, he is disturbing looking. | ||
| That dude is so good. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wait, is that what I look like right now? | |
| Wait a second. | ||
| Wait a second. | ||
| He has your eye bags with me. | ||
| That's me in 10 years when I go full Joan Rivers. | ||
| What is his name again? | ||
| Javier Bardem. | ||
| When I go full Joan Rivers. | ||
| I like how you're Javier. | ||
| I remember one time I was at the Brea Improv, high as fuck, like way too high, and I was sitting there just breathing heavy, and Joan Rivers' show came on the television, and when you see someone with those fillers in their face and the ratio's all off, and their face isn't moving, I was horrified. | ||
| I was sitting there just barbecued. | ||
|
unidentified
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Watching the screen going, oh my god, this is crazy. | |
| Well, I have a theory about plastic surgery. | ||
| If you're going to trim some off the nose, you have to put it on your chin or something. | ||
| You have a certain amount of face meat, and it has to stay on your face. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| There's actually a golden ratio. | ||
| The Fibonacci sequence actually applies to your face. | ||
| That's why when someone gets a nose job and you're like, your nose looks good, but it doesn't look like it's your nose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's happening here? | ||
| Nature knows what it's doing. | ||
| There's a certain arrangement. | ||
| It's like whack-a-mole. | ||
| If you mess one thing up, you're going to have to move everything else. | ||
| But I was reading something about body dysmorphia, about how we've gotten so dysmorphic about what we look like, because we're always looking at ourselves on screens and in photos, which is the reverse of how other people see us. | ||
| And they say that if you were to see yourself out in the world, you wouldn't be able to recognize yourself. | ||
| That's how dysmorphic we are. | ||
| That's ridiculous, because there's videos of you. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoever said that's an idiot. | |
| Also, I have a twin brother. | ||
| I would go, I'm right there. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| That's me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm famous. | |
| I know what my tattoos look like. | ||
| That's what my head looks like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But we're just so dysmorphic about what we- We have Google alerts on ourselves, okay? | |
| People say ridiculous shit sometimes, and it kind of sort of makes sense, but it doesn't. | ||
| I remember reading once that the Native Americans, when they first saw Columbus and the people in the boats coming, They couldn't see them? | ||
| They couldn't see them because they didn't know what that was. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| They figured it out, yeah. | ||
| They could look at, how do you, like, then explain UFOs. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How do people see UFOs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Explain asteroids. | |
| I knew this would happen. | ||
| If you've seen an asteroid. | ||
| I knew we were coming to aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I had a feeling. | ||
| It didn't take as long as I thought it would, actually. | ||
| We had a bet. | ||
| Whitney, you owe me $10,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| There's no way they didn't see the boats. | ||
| That's a dumb thing. | ||
| People are like, oh wow, they didn't see the boats. | ||
| How the fuck do you know what they saw? | ||
| They saw things that look like this thing they're going to find out is called boats. | ||
| That's 500 years ago. | ||
| How the fuck do you know what they saw? | ||
| I think the more fascinating thing about what you're saying is the fact that people are so willing to believe it, which is why we're in the situation we're in. | ||
| People want to believe crazy shit. | ||
| So when you see fake news, you're like, yeah, that happened. | ||
| You want to believe something ridiculous. | ||
| But it's also people say things like that, like they couldn't see the boat so that you pay attention to what they're writing. | ||
| Like, oh, this guy, he's saying crazy shit. | ||
| And then you go and pay, like, that's why people say crazy shit. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are, look. | ||
| A lot of our friends. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But like online trolls, right? | ||
| Like, what are they doing? | ||
| They're saying crazy shit so you pay attention. | ||
| I mean, that's really what it is. | ||
| And it's addictive. | ||
| They know you get that adrenaline hit from the clickbait. | ||
| I just thought they wanted me to know I'm a fat cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't know that. | |
| I thought they were just like, she's got to know she's a fat cunt. | ||
| I'm a busted cunt. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I have to tell her. | ||
| Has anything ever hurt your feelings in the comments? | ||
| If I'm on my period, I'm filled with rage. | ||
| And then I go, oh shit. | ||
| I go, it's the red week, guys. | ||
| You still get your period. | ||
| That's good news. | ||
| The red week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Whitney, you just made yourself elderly for no reason. | ||
| We're the same age, bitch. | ||
| You're just more successful than me. | ||
| I was like, Whitney, you know, we're the same age. | ||
| You're just way more successful than me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think of you as being, like, 20, and I think of me as being, like, 71. Well, she had, like, a blackout segment of her life that, like, doesn't count. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It counts towards you being funny, but it doesn't count towards, like, life progress. | ||
| I'm five years younger than I am, because I just didn't have those years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there is footage, you know, luckily... | ||
| Drugs? | ||
| Just drinking. | ||
| Oh, got it, got it, got it. | ||
| You know, just with enough Jaeger, you can really... | ||
| Have I been with you drunk before? | ||
| I bet that's wild. | ||
| No, I quit drinking right after my first open mic. | ||
| I bet you're a hot mess. | ||
| Oh, I was fun. | ||
| They called me Fun Girl Annie, which I just realized was an insult now. | ||
| I was like, oh. | ||
| I was like, that's right, I'm fun. | ||
| And everyone's like, yeah, bitch, you're fun. | ||
| Did it, like, destroy your life? | ||
| Yeah, I would definitely be dead now, I think, if I didn't stop drinking. | ||
| And what did you drink? | ||
| Jaeger? | ||
| I loved Jaeger. | ||
| I liked whiskey. | ||
| I liked anything that was kind of like I would either be in a frat or with a grandfather. | ||
| Is it harder for clean comics when you're... | ||
| I mean, clean meaning not sober? | ||
| I have no clue what it's like to be a clean comic. | ||
| Back to this conversation again? | ||
| No. | ||
| But when you go to a bar, like if you're at the comedy store and everyone's drinking... | ||
| For me, not one minute. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Not for one second. | ||
| And it's funny. | ||
| Sometimes people will be like, is it weird I'm drinking? | ||
| And I'm like, you think I would relapse with you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| By the way, if I relapse, I'm like going to throw a party. | ||
| We're going to an island. | ||
| It'll be fun. | ||
| I've never understood how people can drink so much on stage. | ||
| When I see Stan Hope up there with a fucking thing of vodka, I just would just... | ||
| Most of the time, Stan Hope drinks Bud Light, though. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| So it's like water, yeah. | ||
| He drinks light beer, and he drinks it all day. | ||
| He's like, I just want to get fat. | ||
| He's like, I'm not trying to get drunk, I'm trying to get obese. | ||
| He likes to keep a mild buzz all the time. | ||
| I never want a mild buzz. | ||
| It's not a bad way to go. | ||
| Chappelle does that, too, if you notice. | ||
| Chappelle will keep a mild buzz. | ||
| And there's something about mild buzzes that really accentuate who gives a fuck comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, come on, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Mild buzz, though, is so unattractive. | ||
| I was like, let's take a smoke break from my... | ||
| I was like, let's black the... | ||
| Like, bye, bitch! | ||
| I had no interest in being like... | ||
| Just a little loopy. | ||
| I never drank wine until the pandemic. | ||
| Because I was just fucking bored and trying shit out. | ||
| I was like, what's my personality on this and this? | ||
| And I was trying to find the best version of my personality. | ||
| And it turns out it's rosé seltzer. | ||
| It's white-clawed roofies. | ||
| So I was doing definitely ketamine, by the way. | ||
| Whitney's been date-raping herself, guys. | ||
| She's been putting herself into K-holes and then getting right in that hole. | ||
| I do K and masturbate. | ||
| The ketamine is prescribed, though. | ||
| It's prescribed, yeah. | ||
| It's like a nasal spray. | ||
| You have it here? | ||
| It's in my purse somewhere, yeah. | ||
| What's so funny about it is it's a nasal spray, but when I was going to raves and doing it, we also nasally injected. | ||
| I mean, they're literally just... | ||
| This is a pretty trace amount. | ||
| It's not a lot, and I only do it like a couple times a week. | ||
| A couple times a week. | ||
| What does it do when you do it? | ||
| Let's do a bunch of ketamine and stab ourselves. | ||
| That's got his cooties on it. | ||
| It went through his arm. | ||
| I don't even think we cleaned it. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Did it really go through his arm? | ||
| Oh, I pushed it through. | ||
| And then he made you stop for a second? | ||
| Yeah, I hit a nerve the first time, then I had to back out and do it again. | ||
| I didn't want to do it. | ||
| Did the frog live? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, the frog's fine. | ||
| He shit the frog out? | ||
| He threw it up in my hand. | ||
| Do you know that there's a book called Eat That Frog that's about getting your work done in the morning? | ||
| It's just funny you literally ate the frog. | ||
| Oh, like eat it, just get it over with? | ||
| Like get the worst part done? | ||
| Annie and I have swallowed way weirder things, to be honest. | ||
| We swallowed a lot, honestly. | ||
| That's not even a sharp ice pick. | ||
| Did it make a sound at all? | ||
| No, it just was like puncturing a steak. | ||
| And it wasn't, you picked the spot that you stacked. | ||
| Well, he kind of pointed me towards his arm, like what area is a better place to go through, but it was bleeding. | ||
| Do you think it would taste like elk? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think people taste like pigs. | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| Cannibals call people long pigs. | ||
| That's literally a nickname. | ||
| Did you notice that Blaine, whenever he would have you do something, he would first doubt himself? | ||
| It's almost like a power of suggestion thing where he'd be like, no, no, it might be fake. | ||
| Test it out. | ||
| It might be fake. | ||
| Remember the frog? | ||
| It might not be a real frog. | ||
| This might be weighted. | ||
| You can see it right there. | ||
| That's where I'm going through his arm. | ||
| Whose hand is that? | ||
| That's his hand. | ||
| That's his hand. | ||
| He's like pushing on the skin. | ||
| That is the darkest hand I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| He gets tanned. | ||
| He's got a lot of money. | ||
| Is there something psychological? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's either you're very poor or you're very rich if you're tan. | |
| Your face, Joe! | ||
| Is there something psychological about him doing that? | ||
| Like, touch it. | ||
| Maybe it's fake. | ||
| Make sure it's not fake. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure it does that with cards. | ||
| I don't know anything about magic, but I would imagine anything you could do to overload the brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Like, if you're... | ||
| Distract. | ||
| Yeah, if you're sparring with someone, or fighting, one of the things you're doing is you're trying to overload their brain. | ||
| So you're moving, you do things, you faint, you fake like you're gonna punch, then you kick them. | ||
| But what you're doing is you're fucking with their heads, you're giving them too many things to think about. | ||
| He's kind of doing that, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, check the cards out, and he says things, and he kind of doubts himself, and asks you if you're sure. | ||
| There's so many techniques involved in it. | ||
| But he is a master. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Him doing that shit... | ||
| He had... | ||
| He did a card trick with one guy holding one of his wrists and another guy holding another wrist. | ||
| He couldn't do anything. | ||
| His sleeves were rolled up. | ||
| And he did a card trick for us. | ||
| So cool. | ||
| I know you're not supposed to say how magic happens, but I don't think that this counts. | ||
| But there was this guy that I knew that did that. | ||
| You're afraid you're going to get in trouble with the magic castle? | ||
| She's like, I'll never go to the magic castle again. | ||
| I'm afraid I'm going to get canceled by magicians. | ||
| Jimmy Schubert's going to be so fucking mad at me. | ||
| I don't want magicians coming for me. | ||
| But sometimes they carve holes into their hands and Like flaps of skin and that's where they put the coins underneath. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, they carve little divots in their hands and that's how they hold the coins. | ||
| How the fuck can you carve a divot in your skin? | ||
| And then you let it heal? | ||
| Yes, it's like scar tissue and that's how they're able to hold the coins. | ||
| What? | ||
| Crazy shit. | ||
| Come on, really? | ||
| Is there really no way to find out how magicians do their tricks? | ||
| Well, you'd have to become a magician. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They let you in. | ||
| You gotta get in the club. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Blaine was telling me that he has a friend that's a card guy that will literally be playing with his cards 13 hours every day. | ||
| Every time he's on the phone with them, he hears... | ||
| They are athletes in a way. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what I was saying to him. | ||
| I was like, the way you move your hands, it's similar to martial arts because when someone's really good at a martial arts move, they have it just, the pathway is just greased and slicked in their neurons and when they do it, it just goes. | ||
| And that was kind of him with his hands. | ||
| I was watching him move the cards around and I was like, whoa. | ||
| Like someone who plays guitar really good. | ||
| There's something about it. | ||
| Or piano. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| Have you seen Kyle Dunnegan's joke about where he's like, I'm not good at magic but I have good magician hands and he's like... | ||
| Have you seen Time Canceller? | ||
| Have you ever seen this new thing? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He goes back in time to cancel people from the past. | ||
| He says a tweet, he says like a mildly racist tweet like, is it just me or does Indian food smell funny? | ||
| And then he has to throw himself into a wood chipper. | ||
| And so a team of incredibly diverse women scientists rebuild him and they put him back together again like the six million dollar man out of the wood chipper and then they turn him into a much more woke version of himself who's a time-canceller. | ||
| So he's part machine and he goes back in time and cancels people. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so funny. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Dude, I miss everyone. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I know, it sucks, dude. | ||
| It's weird to think that we saw each other every night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Every night for 15 years. | ||
| And just talking shit, having fun and then boom, it stops. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| It's like a family being broken up. | ||
| I don't think it should have stopped. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| You know, I think people should be able to make their own decisions. | ||
| Well, I think that there's ways to do it. | ||
| We could do the weird social distance things, you know, where it could either be outside or it could be, you know, people are far back and spread out wearing masks. | ||
| It makes no sense that people are allowed to go outside, have socially distanced meals, but as soon as someone stands up with a microphone and starts talking... | ||
| It is a spitty job, though. | ||
| I was watching you when they changed the lights in the main room right before everything shut down and the lights were dark. | ||
| I was watching you from the side. | ||
| I've never seen so much spit. | ||
| It's like when the Sprinkler's kids jump through. | ||
| Droplet after droplet after droplet. | ||
| We're all Gallagher, it turns out. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit. | ||
| - Holy shit, and then I was thinking that, and then I went, oh my God, when I got shut down, we really do deserve, I mean, I think we might deserve this. - We've been spreading COVID. - Also, we're spitting into mics, and then, I've made out with Tim Dillon, pretty much. - I've gotten the flu a couple of times from people's microphones. | ||
| One time I did a gig with Tommy and Tommy was sick as fuck. | ||
| We're in San Francisco and we all got the flu because we shared a microphone together. | ||
| Davidson? | ||
| No, Segura. | ||
| I started bringing a microphone with me on the road like a year ago because I kept getting fucking bronchitis from, you know. | ||
| You get bronchitis from a mic? | ||
| That's good for your own mic. | ||
| Yes, that's a good idea. | ||
| And I was like, my opener, everyone thought I was such an asshole and being a diva, but I was just like, dude, I can't get sick. | ||
| I did like 40 cities before I shot a special and it was so worth it. | ||
| I think that, I do think there's a lot of things that are happening in this that could carry over. | ||
| Like, I know you think a master for pussies or whatever, but I like that. | ||
| I don't think master for pussies. | ||
| There was a burr clip that went viral. | ||
| That was me trying to talk him into talking shit. | ||
| It was the funniest. | ||
| It was very funny. | ||
| I was like, come on, you believe in that? | ||
| I wear a bandana. | ||
| I have it everywhere. | ||
| I want to get a cool one. | ||
| I'm trying to think. | ||
| Oh, wait, can I show you the masks that I'm making? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Jay Leno would not approve of these. | ||
| I was thinking about doing a joke. | ||
| Remember when all the prisoners were released? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that you? | |
| Oh, Annie! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that funny? | |
| Do you think people buy it? | ||
| Fuck yeah, they'll buy it. | ||
| Where can they buy it? | ||
| Well, go to my website. | ||
| I'm gonna launch them. | ||
| I'm launching them this week. | ||
| You gotta do it immediately, otherwise people are gonna jump on this before you. | ||
| I'm launching it today. | ||
| When I leave, I will. | ||
| Because the problem is, when this goes up, these fucks, they'll start putting it up before you. | ||
| Well, I'm launching it today. | ||
| That's the Annie Letterman thing. | ||
| If anyone does it, Joe Rogan's gonna fucking sue you, okay? | ||
| He's going to get another $100 million suing your ass for me. | ||
| There's so many people selling bootleg shit online right now. | ||
| Isn't that funny, though? | ||
| It's bootleg everything. | ||
| Fake Purell, all that shit. | ||
| Well, bootleg shirts, there's a lot of my shirts that are bootleg, a lot of mugs and stuff that are bootleg, all these different things that have nothing to do with me with my face on it. | ||
| Guys, this is sponsored by the Joe Rogan Podcast Experience. | ||
| That's a Yeti Tumblr. | ||
| Yeti Tumblr? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's legit. | ||
| It's very legit. | ||
| Everything's Yeti involved with you. | ||
| Every time I'm at the comedy store and we're talking, it somehow turns into you fighting bears. | ||
| I swear to God, every conversation, we could be talking about fucking anything, and then it's like three minutes in, once you walk in, I'm like, and we're fighting bears again. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I have a real problem. | ||
| We gotta get you a bear. | ||
| No, I don't want to have anything to do with bears. | ||
| I'm scared of nature. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| That's why you kill it? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| I kill it to eat it. | ||
| Do you run with a taser? | ||
| I run with a little taser now. | ||
| I carry a big knife. | ||
| Please don't run with a knife. | ||
| I've seen you play basketball. | ||
| I have a little taser. | ||
| Taser's not a bad idea, but I don't know if that'll work on an animal. | ||
| I carry nunchucks. | ||
| Paperweights that fit on your knuckles. | ||
| You carry that little taser around with you? | ||
| This whole thing with me. | ||
| Yeah, I put it in my fanny pack. | ||
| Have you ever tased yourself to see what it feels like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I haven't. | |
| I want to do it. | ||
| Should we? | ||
| We have got to get more views than David Blaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if Annie dies? | |
| What if Annie dies? | ||
| What if it just turns out that that's her Achilles heel? | ||
| She just falls over. | ||
| I'm like, she had so much promise. | ||
| I've been having a good week, so this is a good week to die. | ||
| For someone that used to drink Jaeger, this is going to be fucking nothing. | ||
| So that's your thing? | ||
| So when a mountain lion comes after you, you just fucking knuckle punch them with that thing? | ||
| She has to protect her dogs from you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It has to heat up. | ||
| They look like elk. | ||
| They're big. | ||
| And then I have that little hammer in my car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| It has to heat up. | ||
| Does it have to heat up? | ||
| I know I'm dead. | ||
| What? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Hey, hold on, Bear. | ||
| Can you just hold on? | ||
| I need to heat up my taser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just stay there. | |
| And we're talking about Bear Grill or whatever that guy's name is. | ||
| We're not talking about large, overweight gay men. | ||
| Don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God! | |
| No, you didn't. | ||
| Did you just touch that? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| I thought that it wasn't working. | ||
| It wasn't that bad. | ||
| It's really not that bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not that bad. | |
| I've done my dog collars. | ||
| The bear's gonna also agree that it's not that bad, but it's got I touch one little one and it's a lot of them Most likely if a mountain lion even if you have a knife if a mountain lion gets you you're fucked They're just too strong. | ||
| Yeah, and they'll go straight for your face. | ||
| You want a fighting chance You want to just be able to sink something into their neck I watch The Covenant every day. | ||
| I go... | ||
| The Covenant? | ||
| Is that what it was called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Revenant. | |
| The Revenant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, what? | |
| I gotta go, tase me, quick. | ||
| I need to come back from this. | ||
| You know, it's kind of based on a real story. | ||
| It is? | ||
| Yeah, it's a little fucked up. | ||
| I mean, they switched a lot of shit around and changed some things, but it's kind of based on a real story. | ||
| That scene was so brutal. | ||
| They were all brutal. | ||
| That was the only movie I had to take breaks from while I was watching it. | ||
| When his kid was dying and he couldn't get up and save his kid, that just destroyed me. | ||
| You are so nice. | ||
| It's so funny how nice you are. | ||
| When Joey fell, I always tell this story, Joey fell and hurt his knee at the Comedy Store one night, and Whitney was with him. | ||
| He ended up being alright, but he just tripped or whatever. | ||
| We're not going to sue you, Comedy Store. | ||
| But he was sitting on a rolling chair, and Whitney was like, and I rushed over and I went, Whitney, are you okay? | ||
| I was destroyed. | ||
| No, Joey walked into the kitchen. | ||
| You know right when you walk into the kitchen? | ||
| It's just slippy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's always greasy. | |
| Something from the air fryer or something. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| It's so oily right there. | ||
| How many fucking orders of fries come flying through that? | ||
| I mean, that's all anybody buys is fries and chicken wings. | ||
| It's all that oil. | ||
| It's like a thick smegma on the ground. | ||
| You can feel it. | ||
| You always catch me eating the worst food. | ||
| I'm always like shoving my face and then Rogan walks in and I'm like... | ||
| Just like deep throating those pretzels. | ||
| The nuts, just everything I'm eating. | ||
| Nuts are good. | ||
| Joey's in front of me and we're going through the side, right? | ||
| Joey's in front of me. | ||
| I just see him go down and my brain just went, Joey had a heart attack. | ||
| Joey had a fucking heart attack. | ||
| He goes down, his leg went behind him. | ||
| It was some crazy shit where he did like a split and we couldn't figure out what even happened and he tore, didn't he? | ||
| He tore something near his ankle. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Not his ACL, but something. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| He couldn't walk. | ||
| He couldn't get up. | ||
| And if you were having a stroke or a heart attack, you don't know you're having it. | ||
| So he kept saying, like, I fell on my knee, I fell on my knee, and I was just so worried that he had a stroke. | ||
| Remember Jay Leno was telling us that story about Rodney? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So he's hosting The Tonight Show. | ||
| Rodney does a set, and he's like, something's off. | ||
| He's like, call the paramedics. | ||
| Yeah, his rhythm and his timing was off. | ||
| And he was joking around, kind of, but he also knew that something really was wrong, so they called the paramedics, they checked Ronnie, he did have a fucking stroke. | ||
| So he had a stroke while he was out there doing stand-up, which is crazy. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Didn't someone die on stage doing stand-up? | ||
| Two people have, there was a British guy, I don't know his name, who had a heart attack on stage, and then there was years ago, Jim Norton had posted a clip of it, there's a clip of it, it was a live kind of variety show, and there was this guy, I can't remember his name, I wish I remembered it, but he, um, He was doing a bit in front of a curtain and live television, and he passes out and falls out, and they're all laughing, thinking it's part of the bit, and then you see them drag him out. | ||
| But it's kind of a good way to go. | ||
| This guy? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Where was this? | ||
| Is that right there? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh, that's how he really died? | ||
| Was it a heart attack? | ||
| Yeah, I think you died of a heart attack. | ||
| Isn't that fucked up? | ||
| Don't grab your heart while we do this. | ||
| That's my titty. | ||
| That's my titty. | ||
| My heart's right here. | ||
| Dude, I always think I was telling Whitney about this when you were like flexing your pecs or something in the kitchen of the comedy store and I was like, I want to try it. | ||
| And you're like, ew, put your tits away. | ||
| It is so funny because so many people want to go female comics, male comics. | ||
| I feel like we're together, we're so weirdly genderless. | ||
| We're like brother and sister. | ||
| We were talking about that the other night. | ||
| It's a real meritocracy. | ||
| If you're funny, you're one of the Klan, and that's really all it is. | ||
| I get that it's upsetting for people on the outside. | ||
| Yes, you're not in the club. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| A friend of mine who is a philosopher, a very smart guy, tried to explain it to me, and he's just completely independent of this. | ||
| He's like, you guys have to understand that you're little, and he's not a comic at all, he's like, this little group of people is like a walled garden. | ||
| So there's a lot of people on the outside of it that see you guys having so much fun and doing all these things together and having each other on each other's podcasts. | ||
| There's just an automatic feeling in human nature to feel like you're alienated from that group. | ||
| So that group somehow or another disrespects you. | ||
| That group is negative or bad or mean or this or that. | ||
| And then it compounds. | ||
| Find whatever the group is. | ||
| Whatever your identity politics is. | ||
| If it's a right wing thing or a girl thing or a gay thing or a boy thing. | ||
| Sports. | ||
| Yeah, whatever it is. | ||
| They find a thing that makes you different from them and you negative and then positive and you're a suppressor or you're a bad person. | ||
| Well, it's the outward locus of control, right? | ||
| So it's like I'm saying that my life is where I don't want to be because you made me feel this way or you did this. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| Because if you think about it, anyone complaining about their place in comedy, it's like, that's time to write jokes. | ||
| The time that you're focusing on why you don't have a thing, you have no clue what anyone's story is. | ||
| You don't know if it was easy or hard for them. | ||
| But it is a hard job. | ||
| It's not a comfortable job. | ||
| Some of the people complaining have had specials. | ||
| So you've had a chance. | ||
| You got on Comedy Central, you got on Netflix, you got somewhere, and people didn't respond. | ||
| And that's not because the comedy store is filled with assholes. | ||
| That's not what that is. | ||
| It's a fucking hard thing. | ||
| Comedy's a hard thing. | ||
| It's hard, and honestly, the harder the hallways are, the easier it is on stage. | ||
| So I was always so grateful when people... | ||
| It's fun, too. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| You go on stage laughing at some shit someone just made fun of you about. | ||
| You try to one-up each other. | ||
| That's why Attell is the most fun person to hang out with, because he's so, like... | ||
| It never ends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just shows up with a fucking plastic bag of his shit. | |
| His 7-Eleven purse. | ||
| He's got a small garbage bag he brings with him. | ||
| He's a wire hanging out. | ||
| One of the greatest comics who ever lived. | ||
| That's what I love about comics. | ||
| No matter how great, if you're a real fucking comedy story comic, you're still just who you are forever. | ||
| If you stay with your tribe. | ||
| We're lucky as fuck. | ||
| We're really, really lucky. | ||
| It's weird now. | ||
| You know, like that night when we were all hanging out doing the Comedy Store documentary, it was so much fun. | ||
| But it also was bittersweet because I left, when I was driving home, I was real emotional. | ||
| Do you remember I kept gripping you and going, don't go? | ||
| I was like, no! | ||
| I'd be in a conversation over here. | ||
| I wasn't a K-hole. | ||
| I was overdosed in a fucking K-hole. | ||
| Whitney's like, it's mental. | ||
| I'm like, I'm a cloud, bitch. | ||
| My body is a cloud. | ||
| That's not mental. | ||
| There's going to be an expose on Whitney Cummings' drugging female comics. | ||
| I'm actually the pervious person in comedy. | ||
| Listen, that was the only time in this whole COVID period that I thought maybe I shouldn't go. | ||
| It was the only time. | ||
| I was hanging out with you guys. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| But I'm still going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| I was thinking, this is so rare. | ||
| How many grown adults, once you get to a certain age, you're in your 30s, you're with your friends, you don't have that kind of a life where you can go and be with your peers. | ||
| It's just so rare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the funhouse. | |
| And the store is so unusual because people that go on the road, okay? | ||
| If you go on the road all the time, it's just you and the people you go on the road with. | ||
| You don't get to converge at a home base. | ||
| And that's what the store is. | ||
| That's what's so different. | ||
| Because you'll be one place, you'll be someplace, and I'll be that. | ||
| And then we see each other on Tuesday, like, ah! | ||
| Yeah, it's like home base. | ||
| Like no time had passed. | ||
| I'm there, guys, by the way. | ||
| I'm there the whole time. | ||
| I'm working in the kitchen serving those chicken wings. | ||
| There's something so crazy about this moment because it's also like I've never felt more loved and accepted than I had in a comedy store. | ||
| I never felt like myself. | ||
| I never felt accepted. | ||
| I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. | ||
| I didn't know who I was. | ||
| It's so weird you feel that comfortable. | ||
| We hate you. | ||
| We don't like you, Whitney. | ||
| Oh my god, it's catty daddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whitney! | |
| It's so true. | ||
| I didn't think you liked me for the longest time. | ||
| Oh, we should finish that funny story. | ||
| Oh, yeah, we should finish that story. | ||
| So I do the roast battle. | ||
| Whitney's one of the judges. | ||
| And Whitney was already pissed about something. | ||
| Well, because everyone was attacking my shiny-ass face and saying that I had plastic surgery and all this shit. | ||
| But do you have a new product coming out? | ||
| But I do. | ||
| I am launching a line of face oil. | ||
| Isn't that so funny? | ||
| Isn't that the perfect thing? | ||
| It's called my shiny face. | ||
| My shiny-ass fucking face. | ||
| It's KY Jelly. | ||
| But, um, yeah, you can also fuck, yeah. | ||
| You can fuck my nose hole. | ||
| So she, okay, so Whitney was, like, she was, like, giving her assessment of my set or whatever, and she's, like, she goes, she goes, I just feel like you need to smile more, and I was, like, I was, like, smile more? | ||
| I was, like, what is this in the streets? | ||
| Like, I was, like, and I was, like, in a hyper, like, fight mode, and I was, like, smile more? | ||
| I was just, like. | ||
| Whoa, Streets of Albuquerque came out. | ||
| Streets of fucking Santa Fe. | ||
| No, Philly. | ||
| Suburbs of Philly first. | ||
| But Whitney, you texted me the next day. | ||
| You're like, hey, it's Whitney Cummings. | ||
| I'm sorry if I offended you. | ||
| I was at the mall. | ||
| I was like, Whitney. | ||
| I was like, can I take a break? | ||
| I was working at Hot Topic. | ||
| And I was like, a famous person's texting me. | ||
| No, but you texted me and it was so sweet. | ||
| I was like, please don't cancel me. | ||
| Please don't talk to a reporter. | ||
| No, but it was very nice. | ||
| And then I just texted you back and I was like, yeah, I just... | ||
| And I went, when you were judging, I went, Whitney, I was molested, I don't smile, and you were like, we were all molested! | ||
| And then I was worried that I was, like, silencing her because she was like, sorry, Whitney, I'm molested. | ||
| Whitney, the text from you are so funny. | ||
| This is what I love about you. | ||
| One time we were talking in the back at the, we were in the green room and in the main room and you go, we're talking about rape or something. | ||
| And you go, and you go, you go, you go, I'm sorry, I'm not listening to anything you're saying. | ||
| I'm just thinking about whether my face is shiny. | ||
| I'm like, it is. | ||
| You know the answer, bitch. | ||
| And then you text me the next day or you call me and you're like, I'm so sorry, were you talking about being raped? | ||
| And I started talking about my face. | ||
| You come to a complete circle. | ||
| You're always working whatever step that is. | ||
| Whatever fucking step that is, you're always working it. | ||
| So no problems there. | ||
| But I accidentally, I was looking at the thing you had texted me and I said something. | ||
| I accidentally sent a voice memo to you. | ||
| Talking shit on another female comedian. | ||
| Like, trashing a female comedian. | ||
| And it sent the voice, like, my finger hit, and I was so embarrassed. | ||
| You sent it to me. | ||
| Talking shit on another, but you wouldn't have thought it was about you. | ||
| I said her name and everything, but it was just, like, so crazy that I was then voice memoing you being, like, this fucking bitch. | ||
| And then, um... | ||
| Voice memos are odd. | ||
| Because it's, like, I don't have voicemail. | ||
| Like, if you call me voicemail, it just goes to fuck you. | ||
| It just, like, goes to the ether. | ||
| Do you have voice female? | ||
| But voice memos. | ||
| It's a callback to the other night. | ||
| It's a callback to the other night. | ||
| Tweet it. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| But those voice memos that people send, they're odd because you have to listen. | ||
| It's like if you send me a text, I can go 830. Got it. | ||
| Well, Spade always does the voice memos. | ||
| I think it's because he doesn't want to put his readers on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, it's also when you send someone a voice memo and then you see that they kept it, you're like, why the fuck do you keep that? | ||
| Oh, you could tell if someone keeps it? | ||
| Yes, it says kept or saved. | ||
| That was the cutest. | ||
| You just went, yes! | ||
| That was cute. | ||
| I'm sexy. | ||
| Listen, experiment with it. | ||
| It's kind of Mission Impossible that it disappear. | ||
| I like that they go away. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I think it's more bond, trauma bond. | ||
| I will say, though, when you go, I feel like our text chains, like comedians' text chains, if they ever get out, we're all going to get canceled. | ||
| There's one time I was like, we should all delete these. | ||
| There was one where we got so ridiculous. | ||
| But you've also got too famous. | ||
| I'm like, you guys, we can't text Joe certain shit. | ||
| No, I think he's gotten overly famous to the point where we can again. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| He's uncancellable! | ||
| He's gone past it! | ||
| Now it's like, yes! | ||
| Because there are times where I want to send something and I'm like, I don't know, Joe's on this chain. | ||
| I feel like he's just too famous for this. | ||
| You should see the shit Segura sends me. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I played it yesterday for Nikki Glaser. | ||
| It's this girl fisting herself, but in the most preposterous way where you're like, what? | ||
| Well, is there a way that's not preposterous? | ||
| No, no, no, this is a different thing. | ||
| Is fisting real? | ||
| Oh, I'll show you. | ||
| But you know what it is? | ||
| It's this. | ||
| That's right, that's right. | ||
| It's putting all your fingers together. | ||
| It's not like a punch. | ||
| You go in. | ||
| Jamie, you've been fisted. | ||
| Tell us. | ||
| Here you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sending your reactions for this video. | |
| Wait, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Your face! | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Oh my god, it's me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| This girl... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| Just stole your act, Annie. | ||
| Just stole my fisting act. | ||
| Preposterous is the right word, right? | ||
| Well, it's gotta hurt. | ||
| Why are you punching yourself? | ||
| She's like a bruised cervix. | ||
| I don't think it is, but... | ||
| A bruised-ass cervix. | ||
| Anything that's fucked up like that, Tom Segar will send it to me. | ||
| It looks like the opposite of having a baby. | ||
| I know! | ||
| You guys send me the most fucked up shit and I'm like, I'm so going to jail for this. | ||
| But you're not. | ||
| I think that's legal. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's legal. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| You don't actually... | ||
| We have to be very clear. | ||
| You don't actually get things that could send you to jail. | ||
| You know, but here's the thing. | ||
| We're kidding! | ||
| Florida has some wacky laws with that stuff. | ||
| That's why they prosecuted certain like pornographers because they decided that it was, you know, that's why they prosecuted the two live crew. | ||
| Like it's like Broward County, Florida. | ||
| Like they go after people. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| There was one guy was a really famous case and it really opened up a lot of people's eyes in terms of pornography. | ||
| There was this guy who was like known to be like ultra disgusting. | ||
| Like the stuff that he did was like super abusive and like he would open up girls assholes like with a speculum and then piss inside of them and like crazy. | ||
| It kinda sounds like it would feel good. | ||
| If I'm being real, it's like warm. | ||
| Which is wrong. | ||
| Depends on how much beer he had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's wrong. | |
| Max Hardcore. | ||
| Yeah, so that guy. | ||
| So he was found guilty on 20 counts of obscenity by a Tampa, Florida jury. | ||
| And so they decide what's obscene and what's not obscene. | ||
| It's like they can make a distinction between regular pornography and what they decide is obscenity and violates the law. | ||
| So they put him in fucking jail. | ||
| Jesus, I'm like, just... | ||
| So I don't know if there was... | ||
| You see, that's the thing. | ||
| If you're doing that kind of shit, are you making people sign releases? | ||
| Do they know that you're going to do that kind of shit? | ||
| Are they going to arrest the girl that's punching her fist into her pussy too? | ||
| Which, by the way, I feel like she could get out of jail. | ||
| She could slide through. | ||
| She could punch and then slide through the... | ||
| She would kill it in jail. | ||
| She'd be fine. | ||
| But then the other perspective is, okay, what if this is your 18-year-old daughter who gets off of a Greyhound bus and meets this guy, and she has no idea what she's about to do, and she thinks she's going to do just like a sex movie, and this guy's pissing in her eyeballs and punching her in the face. | ||
| There was all kinds of... | ||
| I don't know if he punched her, but you know what I mean. | ||
| Is that what the pee tapes are going to be? | ||
| Do you think the pee tapes are real? | ||
| I just don't care. | ||
| Have you ever had a guy try to pee on you? | ||
| No, but I had like one guy that I was like, it was like the guy that we weren't, we were just going to like do the things that we'd never done. | ||
| And we just ended up not liking each other so we didn't bang again. | ||
| But I was like, I would let you pee on me. | ||
| Do the things you've never done, what? | ||
| Like kiss on the mouth? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Make eye contact. | ||
| He said I love you into my face. | ||
| Like tell the truth. | ||
| Programmed each other's numbers into our phones. | ||
| I had a guy pee on me once. | ||
| He really wanted to pee on me, and I was like, fine. | ||
| And I started dying laughing. | ||
| Were you guys in the bathroom or in the bed? | ||
| It was in the shower. | ||
| Oh, I've been peeing on in the shower. | ||
| You pee on people. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| That's funny, though. | ||
| But he was trying to get on my face. | ||
| It was supposed to be sexual. | ||
| It was supposed to be sexual. | ||
| But then the sheen from your face just slipped it off. | ||
| He ricocheted back on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was blinded by the mirror that is my forehead. | |
| You know how when water gets on Vaseline, it just beats up? | ||
| I damaged his retina from my lewd up face. | ||
| And as soon as it started, I could not stop laughing and I ruined the moment. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| Ruin the moment? | ||
| You made the moment. | ||
| That's the only thing good about that moment was you laughing at him. | ||
| There's no ruining that. | ||
| He's pissing in your face. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Just the fact that he wants to do it. | ||
| The best way out is you making fun of him. | ||
| And I can't tell if guys are doing it because they've seen it in porn or they're actually into it. | ||
| It's got to be like a pheromone thing or something. | ||
| So why do they want to pee on us? | ||
| Don't they want us to pee on them? | ||
| Coming on the face, guys really want to do it. | ||
| I think it's like a humiliation thing. | ||
| They want to degrade you. | ||
| I think they want you to like it. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| They want you to want them to do it. | ||
| You're so over the top, crazy sexual. | ||
| I think that's why it exists in porn. | ||
| The humiliation thing, maybe sometimes. | ||
| Maybe sometimes, but I think not always. | ||
| I don't think it's just that. | ||
| I think it's like a, wow! | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| I don't hate it, but then once it happens, you're like, this is like... | ||
| Here's my thing. | ||
| If you're gonna come on my face, you better not miss. | ||
| Don't get my hair. | ||
| Do not make me wash my hair again. | ||
| No, you better not embarrass yourself. | ||
| I don't want to have to bob and weave to catch it. | ||
| Like a dog with a treat. | ||
| I'm Marshall all of a sudden. | ||
| It's just weird when it's like not enough and it's disappointing and I have to pretend like it's more than enough. | ||
| Dudes definitely jizz and have their dogs catch it. | ||
| That is gross. | ||
| I just thought it and I know it's gotta be. | ||
| For sure, somebody. | ||
| Somebody's done that. | ||
| Isn't that funny that the amount of load is important? | ||
| Well, I used to, the same person that told me you can't recognize yourself on the street. | ||
| It's David Blaine, by the way. | ||
| It was a magic trick. | ||
| No, but I used to hear these women, there was like a show on VH1, these like rock stars wives who would always make their husbands who were like touring on the road come outside of them when they first came home to make sure they weren't cheating because they thought they'd have- They wanted to see how much cum there was? | ||
| How much cum they had, but that's not how it works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that science? | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That is so hilarious. | ||
| If you want to see how much your husband jerks off, you should always leave the Build-A-Tan lotion. | ||
| Put it in a lotion bottle and you can see how dark it is. | ||
| Those are rookies. | ||
| Who uses the lotion? | ||
| If you really need that, then you really shouldn't be jerking off. | ||
| I'm sure you have some sort of... | ||
| There's jerking off when it's a compulsion and you need lubes and you need to stick a vibrator up your ass. | ||
| And there's jerking off because you're actually horny. | ||
| I didn't know about this vibrator up the ass thing. | ||
| Well, you don't go online. | ||
| I have a taser. | ||
| I can use the taser. | ||
| You taser my pussy! | ||
| Right when you're about to go... | ||
| Just imagine if that... | ||
| Because, you know, they do that to mules, actually. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, when they want to extract sperm from them, they actually stick a cattle prod up their asshole and they just shoot. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| I know that because of Fear Factor. | ||
| That's someone's job. | ||
| No, because of Fear Factor. | ||
| We made people drink Donkey Kong. | ||
| Did you ever drink the bad stuff? | ||
| Did you ever taste it? | ||
| I didn't drink that, but I ate a bunch of things. | ||
| I ate a cockroach, a Madagascar, giant hissing cockroach. | ||
| I ate a tomato hole. | ||
| And it popped in your mouth? | ||
| Oh, it destroyed. | ||
| It just was all chewy. | ||
| Did it taste good at all? | ||
| No, but it didn't taste bad. | ||
| Is it alive? | ||
| It's a mindfuck, yeah. | ||
| It's a mindfuck. | ||
| It doesn't taste bad. | ||
| It's almost like tasteless. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| The legs are what get me. | ||
| Yeah, but it's basically a lobster. | ||
| A lobster is a bug. | ||
| It's not much different. | ||
| It really isn't. | ||
| It's all just in your head. | ||
| It's psychological because we think of cockroaches as just being... | ||
| I cooked a lobster the other day and I felt so bad. | ||
| I was holding it. | ||
| I was trying to take a picture and I dropped it. | ||
| And then when I picked it up, it was... | ||
| Foaming and shitting and pissing. | ||
| I murdered it before I murdered it. | ||
| This is how Fear Factor got canceled. | ||
| They had to play horseshoes and either they drunk a giant glass of donkey cum or a giant glass of donkey piss. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| All the men wanted to drink the donkey piss. | ||
| The girls wanted to drink the cum. | ||
| Yeah, we're used to that. | ||
| They actually thought it was easier. | ||
| That's not a big deal. | ||
| This goes right down. | ||
| I know, but I thought it was stunning. | ||
| Protein? | ||
| These girls were drinking giant beer steins of cum. | ||
| I'm going to puke. | ||
| The belly button rings are so funny. | ||
| And I had to talk them into it, so I'm talking them through this while they're doing it. | ||
| This is where it got the show canceled. | ||
| But were the ratings bananas? | ||
| No, they never made it on the air because TMZ got a hold of this and TMZ posted like someone from the... | ||
| There's two times where I told them don't do it, the people that were running the show. | ||
| One time was they were bull riding and they were like, don't worry, it's stunt bulls. | ||
| I go, that bull does not know it's a stunt bull. | ||
| That's a fucking bull, man. | ||
| I saw the animal that these people got on, and one of them was a girl. | ||
| She was like 95 pounds. | ||
| And that fucking bull launched her through the air like she didn't exist. | ||
| Like a pillow. | ||
| That sucks that I'm mad at her for being 95 pounds. |
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