Aug. 21, 2020 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:09:14
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| First of all, how do you two not have a show together? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Hanging with you guys the other night at the store, first of all, how much fun was that? | ||
| The best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was so much fun. | |
| It was so fun. | ||
| I can't remember because it's been so long. | ||
| It's been like six months now. | ||
| Was that what every night was like? | ||
| A lot of nights were like that. | ||
| We just had the craziest circus freak night. | ||
| Just fun. | ||
| Just laughing constantly. | ||
| We used to go to the back bar and crack each other up. | ||
| That was the constant thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For hours. | |
| It was either in the back bar or the back smoking area and everybody was laughing. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And you get like a low-grade depression when you're not around it. | ||
| Yeah, it's so true. | ||
| You forget for months and months and months. | ||
| And then we had one night where we were all like, ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so true. | |
| Just shooting up and saying ridiculous shit. | ||
| I do feel like I had like a crush on the night. | ||
| Like I kept thinking about it like we'd fucked for the first time. | ||
| I was like, I fucked that night. | ||
| And I was like, is he thinking about me too? | ||
| And I was like texting with you guys. | ||
| We spent three days replaying the night. | ||
| Remember when you said this? | ||
| That was so funny. | ||
| I got so emotional when I pulled up and then I walked into the store, I almost cried. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe I'm here. | ||
| If I had been away for five months and I came back, I'd be like, I can't believe I'm here, that'd be great. | ||
| But I was like, ooh, is here gonna ever be here again? | ||
| Is it ever gonna be what it used to be? | ||
| There's no reason why it shouldn't be if we could do it the other night. | ||
| The way we did it the other night, everybody gets tested, you go and hang out, and it's fun, and we have a great time. | ||
| That was STD tests, but we do all have COVID, unfortunately. | ||
| My chlamydia killed my COVID, so I'm good. | ||
| Well, COVID goes away. | ||
| We think. | ||
| Fingers crossed. | ||
| Yeah, we don't know, right? | ||
| What if it's an annual thing? | ||
| It keeps coming back. | ||
| I have a friend who got malaria, and then he got malaria again when he got sick. | ||
| So it had been dormant inside of his system. | ||
| My friend Justin Wren, he runs Fight for the Forgotten. | ||
| He does charities in the Congo. | ||
| He builds wells for the pygmies. | ||
| And he's there all... | ||
| He got malaria three fucking times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| And so he goes over there, he gets malaria, like deathly ill, comes back, and then he beats it, does all the medication, and then a long time later, he gets really sick, and when he gets sick, the malaria kicks back in again. | ||
| And he wasn't even in the Congo. | ||
| The malaria's like, not to be forgotten. | ||
| He's like, this is a charity for me. | ||
| Malaria has killed more people than anything. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Like anything ever. | ||
| More than wars, I think. | ||
| My dad had malaria. | ||
| He was born in Panama because his dad was stationed there, and he got malaria when he was a baby, but it never came up again. | ||
| He never had any problems with it. | ||
| Jamie, didn't we look this up? | ||
| Didn't they say that, no, I fucked this up, that malaria has killed half the people who have ever died ever? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa! | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| When we looked it up, it's been exaggerated a little bit, but it's definitely killed a lot of people. | ||
| Let's say a quarter. | ||
| If we say a quarter, it's probably pretty... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something like that. | |
| Imagine that. | ||
| Just let's say 25% of all the people that have ever died, ever, have been killed by malaria. | ||
| Mosquitoes, right? | ||
| I just put this on my Twitter or my Instagram that they released or they're about to release some fucking untold hundreds of millions of genetically modified mosquitoes in the Everglades. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw that! | |
| In the Everglades or in the Florida Keys? | ||
| Florida, I think. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| And what is it supposed to do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You get some fucking nerds. | ||
| Did you read it? | ||
| Delivering the vaccine. | ||
| I got scared. | ||
| I pulled away from it. | ||
| And then I got a text from a friend of mine who's a biologist and he was like, what the fuck are they doing? | ||
| If you're scared, now I'm really scared! | ||
| I saw you post that, and I was like, maybe I should read the article, and then I was like, reading's really challenging. | ||
| Maybe I'll just go and ask Rogan what happened. | ||
| I'm still catching up on murder hornets. | ||
| I still don't know what happened with the pee tape. | ||
| Every day is some crazy adrenalizing story. | ||
| Do you think the pee tape is real, and is it going to come out right before the election? | ||
| If it does come out right before the election... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody's going to care! | |
| But does it work now because of the mail-in thing? | ||
| People are already voting. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I think we are sort of at a point where nothing fucking matters. | ||
| We're in this sort of nihilistic thing where it's like if a pee tape came out right now of Trump peeing on someone, we'd just be like... | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| People that like Trump aren't like, I like him because of how he treats women. | ||
| I like how he doesn't pee on women. | ||
| I love how women leave the room with him dry from urine. | ||
| As long as he didn't apologize, he'd be fine. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| As soon as you apologize, you're fucked. | ||
| You can't cancel Trump. | ||
| It's like in a car accident, the first person to apologize, it's their fault, so you gotta just get out in the car accident and just be like, what the fuck, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck was up? | |
| But it is a gross thing when someone hits you and then they say that was your fault. | ||
| You're like, oh, this is the grossest. | ||
| Oh, never apologize. | ||
| You told me that your dad told you that, right? | ||
| Never apologize. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Which you told me after I got in a car accident. | ||
| The one advice my dad gave me that was the best advice was, when you're in a car accident, never say sorry because you'll get blamed for it. | ||
| But what if you actually did it? | ||
| Then you should say sorry. | ||
| If you hit somebody with your car. | ||
| No, you look at them and you go like, I'm going to sue the shit out of you. | ||
| You missing a leg? | ||
| I'm not paying for that. | ||
| Don't you think you should say sorry if you re-end someone? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| I was thinking about you because you posted that irresistible, that book the other day. | ||
| Dude, I re-ended someone texting like a year ago and I got out and I was like, I know I need to have a consequence for this behavior because I was texting and driving. | ||
| Well, you have to get the consequence, Caitlyn Jenner. | ||
| You have to become a man. | ||
| You have to transition after you do it. | ||
| Can you give me your doctor, Annie? | ||
| Well, there's no consequences. | ||
| That's how you avoid the consequences, right? | ||
| Because nobody even talks about the Caitlyn Jenner thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy, right? | ||
| Is it Kurt that has the joke where he's like, he harvested the vagina of the woman he killed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Oh my God. | ||
| That is what I miss so much. | ||
| Honestly. | ||
| And that's Kurt Metzger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hasn't been cancelled in a couple years. | |
| He needs to be re-canceled. | ||
| That's such a Kurt joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's gonna wake up and be like, fuck you guys, you just cancelled me. | |
| It's a travesty that that guy's not more well known. | ||
| And every time I do podcasts with him too. | ||
| He's funny on podcasts. | ||
| He's smart as fuck. | ||
| He's really well read. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Yeah, his ideas are very unique, funny, smart. | ||
| Something that was so important at the Comedy Store the other night is that these last six months have sort of hoodwinked me into believing that jokes are dead, that we're not allowed to make jokes anymore. | ||
| Because Twitter, we're hallucinating with all the shit we're seeing on Twitter and blowing it up to be bigger than it should be. | ||
| But as soon as I saw Tony Hinchcliffe, I threw up. | ||
| I said the most offensive shit possible and everyone exploded and laughed and I was like, ah! | ||
| We'll fuck it back! | ||
| Oh, he's the best for that. | ||
| That little motherfucker will say the most evil shit. | ||
| No, the moment something happens, there's no too soon for, I mean, Tony's like... | ||
| No, no, no, no, not Tony! | ||
| But I don't think we're designed to just be on the internet. | ||
| If you're just on the internet and not seeing human beings and making jokes around actual people, you can be tricked into thinking that that shit's real. | ||
| Well, Stanhope really said it best once. | ||
| He said, I could quit comedy, but I couldn't quit comics. | ||
| And that's what the other night was like. | ||
| I've had my little fix where I did a weekend in Houston a month or so ago, but it wasn't as fun as that night. | ||
| That night was the most fun because it was just a bunch of comics just laughing at each other. | ||
| Screaming, laughing, talking over each other. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| But it's the art form of saying shit you don't really mean and everyone knows it. | ||
| We all know, like if you say something really gross to me, I know you don't mean it and I'm laughing hard. | ||
| It's like it's understood and it's also understood that you're taking a big fucking chance with our friendship by saying this crazy shit around me. | ||
| Because you trust me. | ||
| It's like the ultimate trust fall or something. | ||
| Like I'm going to say some crazy shit to you, you're not going to abandon me or judge me and you're going to be, it's like a trauma bond. | ||
| Trauma Bond. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my favorite! | |
| That's the name of your next special. | ||
| Bond. | ||
| Trauma Bond. | ||
| I'm gonna name it. | ||
| That totally should be a special. | ||
| Trauma Bond. | ||
| That's a great name for a special. | ||
| I've said some things to you where you've looked at me like, and I'm like, Are we not friends anymore? | ||
| There's two things I said to you that I'll never forget. | ||
| I just say things when they come to my head. | ||
| If I react that way, it's because I have to react that way. | ||
| Once I was like, do you think you have CTE and you could possibly at one point murder your family? | ||
| Do you think I could? | ||
| And I was like, oh, I don't know. | ||
| Can I have a fanny pack? | ||
| But, you know, part of the fun is mock anger. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What the fuck did you just say to me? | ||
| It's like emotional sparring or something, you know? | ||
| And it's really fucked up because, like, just what's been going on the last couple of years, you know, it's like I never feel more equal. | ||
| Like, when people want to talk about men and women, I never feel more equal than when a male comic is fucking pummeling me. | ||
| Not physically, because they know I can fucking take it. | ||
| And you pummel right back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's exactly right. | |
| That's what's fun about it. | ||
| They're not doing it to be a bully. | ||
| They're doing it because you want to spar. | ||
| And you can handle it. | ||
| And you're like, okay, bitch. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| And then everyone's at it. | ||
| Nobody wants you to go like, ow, and then like sulk and walk away. | ||
| That will ruin everything. | ||
| That ruins everything. | ||
| Thank you for not thinking I'm fragile. | ||
| But it is funny when you just go like a little too far. | ||
| Well, that's the risk! | ||
| Well, the pink hair thing I wrote about you, I was like, is she going to get mad at me about that? | ||
| She tweeted, we were FaceTiming last night, and she tweeted, or Instagrammed a picture of it, and she goes, Annie Letterman, you're a mess. | ||
| And I wrote, okay, pink hair. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| I don't know, I was just like, is she going to get offended? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some people have weird Achilles heels, you know? | ||
| Some people have weird, I mean, I'm doing the roasts all the time. | ||
| It's amazing how you can accuse people of rape and say, like, crazy shit, racist shit, but then as soon as you say, like, your dog's ugly, like, They want to fucking storm off. | ||
| And that's you, obviously. | ||
| Gross Battle was really good for comedy. | ||
| Really good for comedy. | ||
| That's where Annie and I met the first time. | ||
| Oh, should we talk about it? | ||
| Our meet-cute story? | ||
| We didn't start off on great terms. | ||
| It was okay, though. | ||
| It wasn't that bad. | ||
| You texted me so fast afterwards that I was like, it's so weird Whitney Cummings just texted me. | ||
| You are intimidating. | ||
| I am going to say that. | ||
| There's something very intimidating about you. | ||
| It's because you're showing your midriff at all times. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| All different shapes of muffins. | ||
| It doesn't matter what genre of... | ||
| I'm afraid I'm going to get tetanus from your hoops. | ||
| Well, you're confident. | ||
| That's one thing. | ||
| It's Asperger's, honestly. | ||
| There's a fear that you could be mean. | ||
| So that's what people are scared of. | ||
| That you're confident, but you might be mean. | ||
| It's like, ooh, I've got to tread lightly. | ||
| I always think the funniest thing is the truth. | ||
| You also dress. | ||
| You wear military garb. | ||
| You dress like a Navy SEAL. I do look anti-Semitic. | ||
| I'm going to be honest with these boots. | ||
| What about those boots? | ||
| You know, I just was like, should I wear sneakers or boots? | ||
| Annie's dad didn't love her. | ||
| No, my dad loved me a lot. | ||
| Too much. | ||
| Very mean. | ||
| No, not that much. | ||
| Way too much. | ||
| No, I was a teacher. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Now you're just bragging. | ||
| I don't want to brag, but... | ||
| No, but so I did... | ||
| It was when Jason Reitman was filming the roast battle for Sundance. | ||
| And it was me against Mike Lawrence, who's an old friend of mine. | ||
| We did mics together and stuff. | ||
| And... | ||
| You and Dane Cook were the judge. | ||
| And I remember coming out and being so excited that Dane was there because I had a joke written. | ||
| But I went, Dane, I'm such a big fan. | ||
| I'm so glad you're here. | ||
| But I'm confused. | ||
| If you're here, who's at the improv getting bumped by Chris D'Elia? | ||
| And he just went away. | ||
| I didn't expect he was going to go. | ||
| He went... | ||
| He went like, that was funny, and then he liked me afterwards, and I was scared because I was like, is he going to tell me how my jokes suck now? | ||
| But he was cool. | ||
| But then he said something else where he said to someone, you know, you're really good, you're going to be very successful, and I was like, yeah, but just don't take financial advice from Dan Cook. | ||
| He was like, don't hire his business manager. | ||
| His story that he told in your mom's house of how his brother stole his money is terrifying. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Well, you said to me, I was saying, I was like, when I'm rich, I'm going to get a chef. | ||
| And you were like, keep your circle small, Annie. | ||
| You don't want a fucking chef. | ||
| You don't even want an assistant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you have an assistant, that means you do too much shit. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| And by the time you tell someone to do something, you could have just done it yourself. | ||
| Look, you can get lucky. | ||
| I have friends that have had assistants that wind up being their best friends, and it's great. | ||
| They're just a cool person that they met that needed a job. | ||
| But I also have friends that got sued by their assistant, and David Spade got tasered and tied up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Almost murdered. | |
| Almost murdered by his assistant. | ||
| His assistant was trying to kill him. | ||
| David Spade has on his bedroom door a fucking latch, like a medieval wooden latch. | ||
| And the fucked up part is it's from the outside. | ||
| So when you go in, you can't leave. | ||
| Imagine being a girl going in to hook up and he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, damn. | |
| That's so crazy. | ||
| And he's a small man. | ||
| He's a tiny little guy. | ||
| So the fear of that must have been terrifying. | ||
| Yeah, and I think the assistant, he told a story. | ||
| He had overdosed on Tylenol PM or something. | ||
| And if you take enough of that, your body goes into shock and you produce crazy adrenaline and has the opposite of a soporific effect or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So the guy was like hopped up and nuts. | ||
| And I think David had a gun under his bed and the guy took the gun out. | ||
| I mean, it's wild. | ||
| Be careful who you give the keys to your house to. | ||
| Oh, I was going to say, be careful if you try to rob David Spade. | ||
| He's got a gun under his bed. | ||
| Or if you do, just come in slow and sneak under the bed first. | ||
| It is a water gun for his comedy bits. | ||
| But also, any assistant that wants to be a celebrity assistant wants what you have. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Or maybe they just think it's a good job. | ||
| Generalizations are our business. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| You can have a nice assistant. | ||
| You can have a nice secretary. | ||
| You can have good people you work with. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are comedy teams, and it works out great. | ||
| Look at Matt Stone and Trey Parker. | ||
| Those fucking guys have been banging it out and making awesome shit forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It can work. | |
| They've been banging. | ||
| They're not out. | ||
| They're not out. | ||
| But so how do we meet it? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But, you know, it's like, there's generalizations. | ||
| We always like to talk about comedy marriages. | ||
| They don't work out. | ||
| But sometimes they work out. | ||
| Yeah, Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Rich Voss, Bonnie McFarlane. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Tom and Christina. | ||
| Natasha and Mosha. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They work. | ||
| Yeah, Tom and Christina. | ||
| There's a bunch of them. | ||
| I'm excited to see these kids and what happens to these kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they'll be funny. | |
| They'll be funny kids. | ||
| Yeah, they're going to be hilarious. | ||
| They have to be. | ||
| Well, Rich and Bonnie's daughter just turned, I think she turned 13, Raina. | ||
| She is the fucking funny. | ||
| Sometimes she does their show with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I've known her since she was a kid. | ||
| You think I'm scary. | ||
| I'm like, your daughter's like a cunt in the good way. | ||
| She's so funny. | ||
| She's so cutting. | ||
| But I see her and I'm like, you've got to be on your toes because she's the funniest, sharpest. | ||
| She's funnier than both of them. | ||
| Can you imagine growing up in that house? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Rich Ross has one of my favorite jokes that we're probably not allowed to tell anymore. | ||
| This joke is just fucking killing me. | ||
| He'd go, I don't mind fucking a girl on her period. | ||
| I just pretend like I'm killing her. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| That's a perfect example. | ||
| The reason why we're laughing is because he doesn't really mean that. | ||
| That's the problem with writing something like that down in quotes. | ||
| You would go, these guys, these fucking assholes are laughing at this. | ||
| Only because it's It's not real. | ||
| But also the same people that are complaining about it are the people that watch true crime shit and are literally masturbating and falling asleep to a beautiful tale of murder. | ||
| Yeah, see, they watch CSI, they watch SVU, all these things. | ||
| Isn't it weird how many of those shows there are? | ||
| Tons. | ||
| People love it. | ||
| And the ones, the really dumb ones, like the CSI ones that are so clunky, like at the end, no disrespect, but you know what I'm saying. | ||
| They kind of have to be. | ||
| They're wrapping up a show in an hour. | ||
| But at the end of it, it's always like, and they catch the bad guy. | ||
| Every time, you're like, whew. | ||
| Now I can sleep. | ||
| Isn't that what was in that book, Irresistible, that you were just posting about? | ||
| Our brains are wired to need completion. | ||
| We have to get to the end of something. | ||
| Even if you're watching a shitty movie, if someone turns it off, you're like, I have to fucking know how it ends. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| We're not edging with this movie. | ||
| No Country for Old Men was disappointing for a lot of people. | ||
| Because the end, you're like, hey, that guy is okay? | ||
| He gets away? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's a wild movie. | ||
| That's a wild movie. | ||
| I rewatched a lot of classic movies over the last six months because we haven't been able to do anything. | ||
| And I rewatched that shit. | ||
| That shit is insane. | ||
| The haircut is the craziest part of that movie. | ||
| His haircut's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, he is disturbing looking. | ||
| That dude is so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, is that what I look like right now? | |
| Wait a second. | ||
| Wait a second. | ||
| He has your eye bags with me. | ||
| That's me in 10 years when I go full Joan Rivers. | ||
| What is his name again? | ||
| Javier Bardem. | ||
| When I go full Joan Rivers. | ||
| I like how you're Javier. | ||
| I remember one time I was at the Brea Improv, high as fuck, like way too high, and I was sitting there just breathing heavy, and Joan Rivers' show came on the television, and when you see someone with those fillers in their face and the ratio's all off, and their face isn't moving, I was horrified. | ||
| I was sitting there just barbecued. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watching the screen going, oh my god, this is crazy. | |
| Well, I have a theory about plastic surgery. | ||
| If you're going to trim some off the nose, you have to put it on your chin or something. | ||
| You have a certain amount of face meat, and it has to stay on your face. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| There's actually a golden ratio. | ||
| The Fibonacci sequence actually applies to your face. | ||
| That's why when someone gets a nose job and you're like, your nose looks good, but it doesn't look like it's your nose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's happening here? | ||
| Nature knows what it's doing. | ||
| There's a certain arrangement. | ||
| It's like whack-a-mole. | ||
| If you mess one thing up, you're going to have to move everything else. | ||
| But I was reading something about body dysmorphia, about how we've gotten so dysmorphic about what we look like, because we're always looking at ourselves on screens and in photos, which is the reverse of how other people see us. | ||
| And they say that if you were to see yourself out in the world, you wouldn't be able to recognize yourself. | ||
| That's how dysmorphic we are. | ||
| That's ridiculous, because there's videos of you. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoever said that's an idiot. | |
| Also, I have a twin brother. | ||
| I would go, I'm right there. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| That's me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm famous. | |
| I know what my tattoos look like. | ||
| That's what my head looks like. | ||
| But we're just so dysmorphic about what we- We have Google alerts on ourselves, okay? | ||
| People say ridiculous shit sometimes, and it kind of sort of makes sense, but it doesn't. | ||
| I remember reading once that the Native Americans, when they first saw Columbus and the people in the boats coming, They couldn't see them? | ||
| They couldn't see them because they didn't know what that was. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| They figured it out, yeah. | ||
| They could look at, how do you, like, then explain UFOs. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How do people see UFOs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Explain asteroids. | |
| I knew this would happen. | ||
| If you've seen an asteroid. | ||
| I knew we were coming to aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I had a feeling. | ||
| It didn't take as long as I thought it would, actually. | ||
| We had a bet. | ||
| Whitney, you owe me $10,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| There's no way they didn't see the boats. | ||
| That's a dumb thing. | ||
| People are like, oh wow, they didn't see the boats. | ||
| How the fuck do you know what they saw? | ||
| They saw things that look like this thing they're going to find out is called boats. | ||
| That's 500 years ago. | ||
| How the fuck do you know what they saw? | ||
| I think the more fascinating thing about what you're saying is the fact that people are so willing to believe it, which is why we're in the situation we're in. | ||
| People want to believe crazy shit. | ||
| So when you see fake news, you're like, yeah, that happened. | ||
| You want to believe something ridiculous. | ||
| But it's also people say things like that, like they couldn't see the boat so that you pay attention to what they're writing. | ||
| Like, oh, this guy, he's saying crazy shit. | ||
| And then you go and pay, like, that's why people say crazy shit. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are, look. | ||
| A lot of our friends. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But like online trolls, right? | ||
| Like, what are they doing? | ||
| They're saying crazy shit so you pay attention. | ||
| I mean, that's really what it is. | ||
| And it's addictive. | ||
| They know you get that adrenaline hit from the clickbait. | ||
| I just thought they wanted me to know I'm a fat cunt. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| I thought they were just like, she's got to know she's a fat cunt. | ||
| I'm a busted cunt. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I have to tell her. | ||
| Has anything ever hurt your feelings in the comments? | ||
| If I'm on my period, I'm filled with rage. | ||
| And then I go, oh shit. | ||
| I go, it's the red week, guys. | ||
| You still get your period. | ||
| That's good news. | ||
| The red week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Whitney, you just made yourself elderly for no reason. | ||
| We're the same age, bitch. | ||
| You're just more successful than me. | ||
| I was like, Whitney, you know, we're the same age. | ||
| You're just way more successful than me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think of you as being, like, 20, and I think of me as being, like, 71. Well, she had, like, a blackout segment of her life that, like, doesn't count. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It counts towards you being funny, but it doesn't count towards, like, life progress. | ||
| I'm five years younger than I am, because I just didn't have those years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there is footage, you know, luckily... | ||
| Drugs? | ||
| Just drinking. | ||
| Oh, got it, got it, got it. | ||
| You know, just with enough Jaeger, you can really... | ||
| Have I been with you drunk before? | ||
| I bet that's wild. | ||
| No, I quit drinking right after my first open mic. | ||
| I bet you're a hot mess. | ||
| Oh, I was fun. | ||
| They called me Fun Girl Annie, which I just realized was an insult now. | ||
| I was like, oh. | ||
| I was like, that's right, I'm fun. | ||
| And everyone's like, yeah, bitch, you're fun. | ||
| Did it, like, destroy your life? | ||
| Yeah, I would definitely be dead now, I think, if I didn't stop drinking. | ||
| And what did you drink? | ||
| Jaeger? | ||
| I loved Jaeger. | ||
| I liked whiskey. | ||
| I liked anything that was kind of like I would either be in a frat or with a grandfather. | ||
| Is it harder for clean comics when you're... | ||
| I mean, clean meaning not sober? | ||
| I have no clue what it's like to be a clean comic. | ||
| Back to this conversation again? | ||
| No. | ||
| But when you go to a bar, like if you're at the comedy store and everyone's drinking... | ||
| For me, not one minute. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Not for one second. | ||
| And it's funny. | ||
| Sometimes people will be like, is it weird I'm drinking? | ||
| And I'm like, you think I would relapse with you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| By the way, if I relapse, I'm like going to throw a party. | ||
| We're going to an island. | ||
| It'll be fun. | ||
| I've never understood how people can drink so much on stage. | ||
| When I see Stan Hope up there with a fucking thing of vodka, I just would just... | ||
| Most of the time, Stan Hope drinks Bud Light, though. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| So it's like water, yeah. | ||
| He drinks light beer, and he drinks it all day. | ||
| He's like, I just want to get fat. | ||
| He's like, I'm not trying to get drunk, I'm trying to get obese. | ||
| He likes to keep a mild buzz all the time. | ||
| I never want a mild buzz. | ||
| It's not a bad way to go. | ||
| Chappelle does that, too, if you notice. | ||
| Chappelle will keep a mild buzz. | ||
| And there's something about mild buzzes that really accentuate who gives a fuck comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, come on, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Mild buzz, though, is so unattractive. | ||
| I was like, let's take a smoke break from my... | ||
| I was like, let's black the... | ||
| Like, bye, bitch! | ||
| I had no interest in being like... | ||
| Just a little loopy. | ||
| I never drank wine until the pandemic. | ||
| Because I was just fucking bored and trying shit out. | ||
| I was like, what's my personality on this and this? | ||
| And I was trying to find the best version of my personality. | ||
| And it turns out it's rosé seltzer. | ||
| It's white-clawed roofies. | ||
| So I was doing definitely ketamine, by the way. | ||
| Whitney's been date-raping herself, guys. | ||
| She's been putting herself into K-holes and then getting right in that hole. | ||
| I do K and masturbate. | ||
| The ketamine is prescribed, though. | ||
| It's prescribed, yeah. | ||
| It's like a nasal spray. | ||
| You have it here? | ||
| It's in my purse somewhere, yeah. | ||
| What's so funny about it is it's a nasal spray, but when I was going to raves and doing it, we also nasally injected. | ||
| I mean, they're literally just... | ||
| This is a pretty trace amount. | ||
| It's not a lot, and I only do it like a couple times a week. | ||
| A couple times a week. | ||
| What does it do when you do it? | ||
| Let's do a bunch of ketamine and stab ourselves. | ||
| That's got his cooties on it. | ||
| It went through his arm. | ||
| I don't even think we cleaned it. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Did it really go through his arm? | ||
| Oh, I pushed it through. | ||
| And then he made you stop for a second? | ||
| Yeah, I hit a nerve the first time, then I had to back out and do it again. | ||
| I didn't want to do it. | ||
| Did the frog live? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, the frog's fine. | ||
| He shit the frog out? | ||
| He threw it up in my hand. | ||
| Do you know that there's a book called Eat That Frog that's about getting your work done in the morning? | ||
| It's just funny you literally ate the frog. | ||
| Oh, like eat it, just get it over with? | ||
| Like get the worst part done? | ||
| Annie and I have swallowed way weirder things, to be honest. | ||
| We swallowed a lot, honestly. | ||
| That's not even a sharp ice pick. | ||
| Did it make a sound at all? | ||
| No, it just was like puncturing a steak. | ||
| And it wasn't, you picked the spot that you stacked. | ||
| Well, he kind of pointed me towards his arm, like what area is a better place to go through, but it was bleeding. | ||
| Do you think it would taste like elk? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think people taste like pigs. | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| Cannibals call people long pigs. | ||
| That's literally a nickname. | ||
| Did you notice that Blaine, whenever he would have you do something, he would first doubt himself? | ||
| It's almost like a power of suggestion thing where he'd be like, no, no, it might be fake. | ||
| Test it out. | ||
| It might be fake. | ||
| Remember the frog? | ||
| It might not be a real frog. | ||
| This might be weighted. | ||
| You can see it right there. | ||
| That's where I'm going through his arm. | ||
| Whose hand is that? | ||
| That's his hand. | ||
| That's his hand. | ||
| He's like pushing on the skin. | ||
| That is the darkest hand I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| He gets tanned. | ||
| He's got a lot of money. | ||
| Is there something psychological? | ||
| It's either you're very poor or you're very rich if you're tan. | ||
| Your face, Joe! | ||
| Is there something psychological about him doing that? | ||
| Like, touch it. | ||
| Maybe it's fake. | ||
| Make sure it's not fake. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure it does that with cards. | ||
| I don't know anything about magic, but I would imagine anything you could do to overload the brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Like, if you're... | ||
| Distract. | ||
| Yeah, if you're sparring with someone, or fighting, one of the things you're doing is you're trying to overload their brain. | ||
| So you're moving, you do things, you faint, you fake like you're gonna punch, then you kick them. | ||
| But what you're doing is you're fucking with their heads, you're giving them too many things to think about. | ||
| He's kind of doing that, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, check the cards out, and he says things, and he kind of doubts himself, and asks you if you're sure. | ||
| There's so many techniques involved in it. | ||
| But he is a master. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Him doing that shit... | ||
| He had... | ||
| He did a card trick with one guy holding one of his wrists and another guy holding another wrist. | ||
| He couldn't do anything. | ||
| His sleeves were rolled up. | ||
| And he did a card trick for us. | ||
| So cool. | ||
| I know you're not supposed to say how magic happens, but I don't think that this counts. | ||
| But there was this guy that I knew that did that. | ||
| You're afraid you're going to get in trouble with the magic castle? | ||
| She's like, I'll never go to the magic castle again. | ||
| I'm afraid I'm going to get canceled by magicians. | ||
| Jimmy Schubert's going to be so fucking mad at me. | ||
| I don't want magicians coming for me. | ||
| But sometimes they carve holes into their hands and Like flaps of skin and that's where they put the coins underneath. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, they carve little divots in their hands and that's how they hold the coins. | ||
| How the fuck can you carve a divot in your skin? | ||
| And then you let it heal? | ||
| Yes, it's like scar tissue and that's how they're able to hold the coins. | ||
| What? | ||
| Crazy shit. | ||
| Come on, really? | ||
| Is there really no way to find out how magicians do their tricks? | ||
| Well, you'd have to become a magician. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They let you in. | ||
| You gotta get in the club. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Blaine was telling me that he has a friend that's a card guy that will literally be playing with his cards 13 hours every day. | ||
| Every time he's on the phone with them, he hears... | ||
| They are athletes in a way. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what I was saying to him. | ||
| I was like, the way you move your hands, it's similar to martial arts because when someone's really good at a martial arts move, they have it just, the pathway is just greased and slicked in their neurons and when they do it, it just goes. | ||
| And that was kind of him with his hands. | ||
| I was watching him move the cards around and I was like, whoa. | ||
| Like someone who plays guitar really good. | ||
| There's something about it. | ||
| Or piano. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| Have you seen Kyle Dunnegan's joke about where he's like, I'm not good at magic but I have good magician hands and he's like... | ||
| Have you seen Time Canceller? | ||
| Have you ever seen this new thing? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He goes back in time to cancel people from the past. | ||
| He says a tweet, he says like a mildly racist tweet like, is it just me or does Indian food smell funny? | ||
| And then he has to throw himself into a wood chipper. | ||
| And so a team of incredibly diverse women scientists rebuild him and they put him back together again like the six million dollar man out of the wood chipper and then they turn him into a much more woke version of himself who's a time-canceller. | ||
| So he's part machine and he goes back in time and cancels people. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so funny. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Dude, I miss everyone. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I know, it sucks, dude. | ||
| It's weird to think that we saw each other every night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Every night for 15 years. | ||
| And just talking shit, having fun and then boom, it stops. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| It's like a family being broken up. | ||
| I don't think it should have stopped. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| You know, I think people should be able to make their own decisions. | ||
| Well, I think that there's ways to do it. | ||
| We could do the weird social distance things, you know, where it could either be outside or it could be, you know, people are far back and spread out wearing masks. | ||
| It makes no sense that people are allowed to go outside, have socially distanced meals, but as soon as someone stands up with a microphone and starts talking... | ||
| It is a spitty job, though. | ||
| I was watching you when they changed the lights in the main room right before everything shut down and the lights were dark. | ||
| I was watching you from the side. | ||
| I've never seen so much spit. | ||
| It's like when the Sprinkler's kids jump through. | ||
| Droplet after droplet after droplet. | ||
| We're all Gallagher, it turns out. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit. | ||
| - Holy shit, and then I was thinking that, and then I went, oh my God, when I got shut down, we really do deserve, I mean, I think we might deserve this. - We've been spreading COVID. - Also, we're spitting into mics, and then, I've made out with Tim Dillon, pretty much. - I've gotten the flu a couple of times from people's microphones. | ||
| One time I did a gig with Tommy and Tommy was sick as fuck. | ||
| We're in San Francisco and we all got the flu because we shared a microphone together. | ||
| Davidson? | ||
| No, Segura. | ||
| I started bringing a microphone with me on the road like a year ago because I kept getting fucking bronchitis from, you know. | ||
| You get bronchitis from a mic? | ||
| That's good for your own mic. | ||
| Yes, that's a good idea. | ||
| And I was like, my opener, everyone thought I was such an asshole and being a diva, but I was just like, dude, I can't get sick. | ||
| I did like 40 cities before I shot a special and it was so worth it. | ||
| I think that, I do think there's a lot of things that are happening in this that could carry over. | ||
| Like, I know you think a master for pussies or whatever, but I like that. | ||
| I don't think master for pussies. | ||
| There was a burr clip that went viral. | ||
| That was me trying to talk him into talking shit. | ||
| It was the funniest. | ||
| It was very funny. | ||
| I was like, come on, you believe in that? | ||
| I wear a bandana. | ||
| I have it everywhere. | ||
| I want to get a cool one. | ||
| I'm trying to think. | ||
| Oh, wait, can I show you the masks that I'm making? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Jay Leno would not approve of these. | ||
| I was thinking about doing a joke. | ||
| Remember when all the prisoners were released? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that you? | |
| Oh, Annie! | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Do you think people buy it? | ||
| Fuck yeah, they'll buy it. | ||
| Where can they buy it? | ||
| Well, go to my website. | ||
| I'm gonna launch them. | ||
| I'm launching them this week. | ||
| You gotta do it immediately, otherwise people are gonna jump on this before you. | ||
| I'm launching it today. | ||
| When I leave, I will. | ||
| Because the problem is, when this goes up, these fucks, they'll start putting it up before you. | ||
| Well, I'm launching it today. | ||
| That's the Annie Letterman thing. | ||
| If anyone does it, Joe Rogan's gonna fucking sue you, okay? | ||
| He's going to get another $100 million suing your ass for me. | ||
| There's so many people selling bootleg shit online right now. | ||
| Isn't that funny, though? | ||
| It's bootleg everything. | ||
| Fake Purell, all that shit. | ||
| Well, bootleg shirts, there's a lot of my shirts that are bootleg, a lot of mugs and stuff that are bootleg, all these different things that have nothing to do with me with my face on it. | ||
| Guys, this is sponsored by the Joe Rogan Podcast Experience. | ||
| That's a Yeti Tumblr. | ||
| Yeti Tumblr? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's legit. | ||
| It's very legit. | ||
| Everything's Yeti involved with you. | ||
| Every time I'm at the comedy store and we're talking, it somehow turns into you fighting bears. | ||
| I swear to God, every conversation, we could be talking about fucking anything, and then it's like three minutes in, once you walk in, I'm like, and we're fighting bears again. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I have a real problem. | ||
| We gotta get you a bear. | ||
| No, I don't want to have anything to do with bears. | ||
| I'm scared of nature. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| That's why you kill it? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| I kill it to eat it. | ||
| Do you run with a taser? | ||
| I run with a little taser now. | ||
| I carry a big knife. | ||
| Please don't run with a knife. | ||
| I've seen you play basketball. | ||
| I have a little taser. | ||
| Taser's not a bad idea, but I don't know if that'll work on an animal. | ||
| I carry nunchucks. | ||
| Paperweights that fit on your knuckles. | ||
| You carry that little taser around with you? | ||
| This whole thing with me. | ||
| Yeah, I put it in my fanny pack. | ||
| Have you ever tased yourself to see what it feels like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I haven't. | |
| I want to do it. | ||
| Should we? | ||
| We have got to get more views than David Blaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if Annie dies? | |
| What if Annie dies? | ||
| What if it just turns out that that's her Achilles heel? | ||
| She just falls over. | ||
| I'm like, she had so much promise. | ||
| I've been having a good week, so this is a good week to die. | ||
| For someone that used to drink Jaeger, this is going to be fucking nothing. | ||
| So that's your thing? | ||
| So when a mountain lion comes after you, you just fucking knuckle punch them with that thing? | ||
| She has to protect her dogs from you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It has to heat up. | ||
| They look like elk. | ||
| They're big. | ||
| And then I have that little hammer in my car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| It has to heat up. | ||
| Does it have to heat up? | ||
| I know I'm dead. | ||
| What? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Hey, hold on, Bear. | ||
| Can you just hold on? | ||
| I need to heat up my taser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just stay there. | |
| And we're talking about Bear Grill or whatever that guy's name is. | ||
| We're not talking about large, overweight gay men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't. | |
| Oh, God! | ||
| No, you didn't. | ||
| Did you just touch that? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| I thought that it wasn't working. | ||
| It wasn't that bad. | ||
| It's really not that bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not that bad. | |
| I've done my dog collars. | ||
| The bear's gonna also agree that it's not that bad, but it's got I touch one little one and it's a lot of them Most likely if a mountain lion even if you have a knife if a mountain lion gets you you're fucked They're just too strong. | ||
| Yeah, and they'll go straight for your face. | ||
| You want a fighting chance You want to just be able to sink something into their neck I watch The Covenant every day. | ||
| I go... | ||
| The Covenant? | ||
| Is that what it was called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Revenant. | |
| The Revenant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, what? | |
| I gotta go, tase me, quick. | ||
| I need to come back from this. | ||
| You know, it's kind of based on a real story. | ||
| It is? | ||
| Yeah, it's a little fucked up. | ||
| I mean, they switched a lot of shit around and changed some things, but it's kind of based on a real story. | ||
| That scene was so brutal. | ||
| They were all brutal. | ||
| That was the only movie I had to take breaks from while I was watching it. | ||
| When his kid was dying and he couldn't get up and save his kid, that just destroyed me. | ||
| You are so nice. | ||
| It's so funny how nice you are. | ||
| When Joey fell, I always tell this story, Joey fell and hurt his knee at the Comedy Store one night, and Whitney was with him. | ||
| He ended up being alright, but he just tripped or whatever. | ||
| We're not going to sue you, Comedy Store. | ||
| But he was sitting on a rolling chair, and Whitney was like, and I rushed over and I went, Whitney, are you okay? | ||
| I was destroyed. | ||
| No, Joey walked into the kitchen. | ||
| You know right when you walk into the kitchen? | ||
| It's just slippy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's always greasy. | |
| Something from the air fryer or something. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| It's so oily right there. | ||
| How many fucking orders of fries come flying through that? | ||
| I mean, that's all anybody buys is fries and chicken wings. | ||
| It's all that oil. | ||
| It's like a thick smegma on the ground. | ||
| You can feel it. | ||
| You always catch me eating the worst food. | ||
| I'm always like shoving my face and then Rogan walks in and I'm like... | ||
| Just like deep throating those pretzels. | ||
| The nuts, just everything I'm eating. | ||
| Nuts are good. | ||
| Joey's in front of me and we're going through the side, right? | ||
| Joey's in front of me. | ||
| I just see him go down and my brain just went, Joey had a heart attack. | ||
| Joey had a fucking heart attack. | ||
| He goes down, his leg went behind him. | ||
| It was some crazy shit where he did like a split and we couldn't figure out what even happened and he tore, didn't he? | ||
| He tore something near his ankle. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Not his ACL, but something. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| He couldn't walk. | ||
| He couldn't get up. | ||
| And if you were having a stroke or a heart attack, you don't know you're having it. | ||
| So he kept saying, like, I fell on my knee, I fell on my knee, and I was just so worried that he had a stroke. | ||
| Remember Jay Leno was telling us that story about Rodney? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So he's hosting The Tonight Show. | ||
| Rodney does a set, and he's like, something's off. | ||
| He's like, call the paramedics. | ||
| Yeah, his rhythm and his timing was off. | ||
| And he was joking around, kind of, but he also knew that something really was wrong, so they called the paramedics, they checked Ronnie, he did have a fucking stroke. | ||
| So he had a stroke while he was out there doing stand-up, which is crazy. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Didn't someone die on stage doing stand-up? | ||
| Two people have, there was a British guy, I don't know his name, who had a heart attack on stage, and then there was years ago, Jim Norton had posted a clip of it, there's a clip of it, it was a live kind of variety show, and there was this guy, I can't remember his name, I wish I remembered it, but he, um, He was doing a bit in front of a curtain and live television, and he passes out and falls out, and they're all laughing, thinking it's part of the bit, and then you see them drag him out. | ||
| But it's kind of a good way to go. | ||
| This guy? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Where was this? | ||
| Is that right there? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh, that's how he really died? | ||
| Was it a heart attack? | ||
| Yeah, I think you died of a heart attack. | ||
| Isn't that fucked up? | ||
| Don't grab your heart while we do this. | ||
| That's my titty. | ||
| That's my titty. | ||
| My heart's right here. | ||
| Dude, I always think I was telling Whitney about this when you were like flexing your pecs or something in the kitchen of the comedy store and I was like, I want to try it. | ||
| And you're like, ew, put your tits away. | ||
| It is so funny because so many people want to go female comics, male comics. | ||
| I feel like we're together, we're so weirdly genderless. | ||
| We're like brother and sister. | ||
| We were talking about that the other night. | ||
| It's a real meritocracy. | ||
| If you're funny, you're one of the Klan, and that's really all it is. | ||
| I get that it's upsetting for people on the outside. | ||
| Yes, you're not in the club. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| A friend of mine who is a philosopher, a very smart guy, tried to explain it to me, and he's just completely independent of this. | ||
| He's like, you guys have to understand that you're little, and he's not a comic at all, he's like, this little group of people is like a walled garden. | ||
| So there's a lot of people on the outside of it that see you guys having so much fun and doing all these things together and having each other on each other's podcasts. | ||
| There's just an automatic feeling in human nature to feel like you're alienated from that group. | ||
| So that group somehow or another disrespects you. | ||
| That group is negative or bad or mean or this or that. | ||
| And then it compounds. | ||
| Find whatever the group is. | ||
| Whatever your identity politics is. | ||
| If it's a right wing thing or a girl thing or a gay thing or a boy thing. | ||
| Sports. | ||
| Yeah, whatever it is. | ||
| They find a thing that makes you different from them and you negative and then positive and you're a suppressor or you're a bad person. | ||
| Well, it's the outward locus of control, right? | ||
| So it's like I'm saying that my life is where I don't want to be because you made me feel this way or you did this. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| Because if you think about it, anyone complaining about their place in comedy, it's like, that's time to write jokes. | ||
| The time that you're focusing on why you don't have a thing, you have no clue what anyone's story is. | ||
| You don't know if it was easy or hard for them. | ||
| But it is a hard job. | ||
| It's not a comfortable job. | ||
| Some of the people complaining have had specials. | ||
| So you've had a chance. | ||
| You got on Comedy Central, you got on Netflix, you got somewhere, and people didn't respond. | ||
| And that's not because the comedy store is filled with assholes. | ||
| That's not what that is. | ||
| It's a fucking hard thing. | ||
| Comedy's a hard thing. | ||
| It's hard, and honestly, the harder the hallways are, the easier it is on stage. | ||
| So I was always so grateful when people... | ||
| It's fun, too. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| You go on stage laughing at some shit someone just made fun of you about. | ||
| You try to one-up each other. | ||
| That's why Attell is the most fun person to hang out with, because he's so, like... | ||
| It never ends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just shows up with a fucking plastic bag of his shit. | |
| His 7-Eleven purse. | ||
| He's got a small garbage bag he brings with him. | ||
| He's a wire hanging out. | ||
| One of the greatest comics who ever lived. | ||
| That's what I love about comics. | ||
| No matter how great, if you're a real fucking comedy story comic, you're still just who you are forever. | ||
| If you stay with your tribe. | ||
| We're lucky as fuck. | ||
| We're really, really lucky. | ||
| It's weird now. | ||
| You know, like that night when we were all hanging out doing the Comedy Store documentary, it was so much fun. | ||
| But it also was bittersweet because I left, when I was driving home, I was real emotional. | ||
| Do you remember I kept gripping you and going, don't go? | ||
| I was like, no! | ||
| I'd be in a conversation over here. | ||
| I wasn't a K-hole. | ||
| I was overdosed in a fucking K-hole. | ||
| Whitney's like, it's mental. | ||
| I'm like, I'm a cloud, bitch. | ||
| My body is a cloud. | ||
| That's not mental. | ||
| There's going to be an expose on Whitney Cummings' drugging female comics. | ||
| I'm actually the pervious person in comedy. | ||
| Listen, that was the only time in this whole COVID period that I thought maybe I shouldn't go. | ||
| It was the only time. | ||
| I was hanging out with you guys. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| But I'm still going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| I was thinking, this is so rare. | ||
| How many grown adults, once you get to a certain age, you're in your 30s, you're with your friends, you don't have that kind of a life where you can go and be with your peers. | ||
| It's just so rare. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the funhouse. | |
| And the store is so unusual because people that go on the road, okay? | ||
| If you go on the road all the time, it's just you and the people you go on the road with. | ||
| You don't get to converge at a home base. | ||
| And that's what the store is. | ||
| That's what's so different. | ||
| Because you'll be one place, you'll be someplace, and I'll be that. | ||
| And then we see each other on Tuesday, like, ah! | ||
| Yeah, it's like home base. | ||
| Like no time had passed. | ||
| I'm there, guys, by the way. | ||
| I'm there the whole time. | ||
| I'm working in the kitchen serving those chicken wings. | ||
| There's something so crazy about this moment because it's also like I've never felt more loved and accepted than I had in a comedy store. | ||
| I never felt like myself. | ||
| I never felt accepted. | ||
| I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. | ||
| I didn't know who I was. | ||
| It's so weird you feel that comfortable. | ||
| We hate you. | ||
| We don't like you, Whitney. | ||
| Oh my god, it's catty daddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whitney! | |
| It's so true. | ||
| I didn't think you liked me for the longest time. | ||
| Oh, we should finish that funny story. | ||
| Oh, yeah, we should finish that story. | ||
| So I do the roast battle. | ||
| Whitney's one of the judges. | ||
| And Whitney was already pissed about something. | ||
| Well, because everyone was attacking my shiny-ass face and saying that I had plastic surgery and all this shit. | ||
| But do you have a new product coming out? | ||
| But I do. | ||
| I am launching a line of face oil. | ||
| Isn't that so funny? | ||
| Isn't that the perfect thing? | ||
| It's called my shiny face. | ||
| My shiny-ass fucking face. | ||
| It's KY Jelly. | ||
| But, um, yeah, you can also fuck, yeah. | ||
| You can fuck my nose hole. | ||
| So she, okay, so Whitney was, like, she was, like, giving her assessment of my set or whatever, and she's, like, she goes, she goes, I just feel like you need to smile more, and I was, like, I was, like, smile more? | ||
| I was, like, what is this in the streets? | ||
| Like, I was, like, and I was, like, in a hyper, like, fight mode, and I was, like, smile more? | ||
| I was just, like. | ||
| Whoa, Streets of Albuquerque came out. | ||
| Streets of fucking Santa Fe. | ||
| No, Philly. | ||
| Suburbs of Philly first. | ||
| But Whitney, you texted me the next day. | ||
| You're like, hey, it's Whitney Cummings. | ||
| I'm sorry if I offended you. | ||
| I was at the mall. | ||
| I was like, Whitney. | ||
| I was like, can I take a break? | ||
| I was working at Hot Topic. | ||
| And I was like, a famous person's texting me. | ||
| No, but you texted me and it was so sweet. | ||
| I was like, please don't cancel me. | ||
| Please don't talk to a reporter. | ||
| No, but it was very nice. | ||
| And then I just texted you back and I was like, yeah, I just... | ||
| And I went, when you were judging, I went, Whitney, I was molested, I don't smile, and you were like, we were all molested! | ||
| And then I was worried that I was, like, silencing her because she was like, sorry, Whitney, I'm molested. | ||
| Whitney, the text from you are so funny. | ||
| This is what I love about you. | ||
| One time we were talking in the back at the, we were in the green room and in the main room and you go, we're talking about rape or something. | ||
| And you go, and you go, you go, you go, I'm sorry, I'm not listening to anything you're saying. | ||
| I'm just thinking about whether my face is shiny. | ||
| I'm like, it is. | ||
| You know the answer, bitch. | ||
| And then you text me the next day or you call me and you're like, I'm so sorry, were you talking about being raped? | ||
| And I started talking about my face. | ||
| You come to a complete circle. | ||
| You're always working whatever step that is. | ||
| Whatever fucking step that is, you're always working it. | ||
| So no problems there. | ||
| But I accidentally, I was looking at the thing you had texted me and I said something. | ||
| I accidentally sent a voice memo to you. | ||
| Talking shit on another female comedian. | ||
| Like, trashing a female comedian. | ||
| And it sent the voice, like, my finger hit, and I was so embarrassed. | ||
| You sent it to me. | ||
| Talking shit on another, but you wouldn't have thought it was about you. | ||
| I said her name and everything, but it was just, like, so crazy that I was then voice memoing you being, like, this fucking bitch. | ||
| And then, um... | ||
| Voice memos are odd. | ||
| Because it's, like, I don't have voicemail. | ||
| Like, if you call me voicemail, it just goes to fuck you. | ||
| It just, like, goes to the ether. | ||
| Do you have voice female? | ||
| But voice memos. | ||
| It's a callback to the other night. | ||
| It's a callback to the other night. | ||
| Tweet it. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| But those voice memos that people send, they're odd because you have to listen. | ||
| It's like if you send me a text, I can go 830. Got it. | ||
| Well, Spade always does the voice memos. | ||
| I think it's because he doesn't want to put his readers on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, it's also when you send someone a voice memo and then you see that they kept it, you're like, why the fuck do you keep that? | ||
| Oh, you could tell if someone keeps it? | ||
| Yes, it says kept or saved. | ||
| That was the cutest. | ||
| You just went, yes! | ||
| That was cute. | ||
| I'm sexy. | ||
| Listen, experiment with it. | ||
| It's kind of Mission Impossible that it disappear. | ||
| I like that they go away. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I think it's more bond, trauma bond. | ||
| I will say, though, when you go, I feel like our text chains, like comedians' text chains, if they ever get out, we're all going to get canceled. | ||
| There's one time I was like, we should all delete these. | ||
| There was one where we got so ridiculous. | ||
| But you've also got too famous. | ||
| I'm like, you guys, we can't text Joe certain shit. | ||
| No, I think he's gotten overly famous to the point where we can again. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| He's uncancellable! | ||
| He's gone past it! | ||
| Now it's like, yes! | ||
| Because there are times where I want to send something and I'm like, I don't know, Joe's on this chain. | ||
| I feel like he's just too famous for this. | ||
| You should see the shit Segura sends me. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I played it yesterday for Nikki Glaser. | ||
| It's this girl fisting herself, but in the most preposterous way where you're like, what? | ||
| Well, is there a way that's not preposterous? | ||
| No, no, no, this is a different thing. | ||
| Is fisting real? | ||
| Oh, I'll show you. | ||
| But you know what it is? | ||
| It's this. | ||
| That's right, that's right. | ||
| It's putting all your fingers together. | ||
| It's not like a punch. | ||
| You go in. | ||
| Jamie, you've been fisted. | ||
| Tell us. | ||
| Here you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sending your reactions for this video. | |
| Wait, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Your face! | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Oh my god, it's me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| This girl... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| Just stole your act, Annie. | ||
| Just stole my fisting act. | ||
| Preposterous is the right word, right? | ||
| Well, it's gotta hurt. | ||
| Why are you punching yourself? | ||
| She's like a bruised cervix. | ||
| I don't think it is, but... | ||
| A bruised-ass cervix. | ||
| Anything that's fucked up like that, Tom Segar will send it to me. | ||
| It looks like the opposite of having a baby. | ||
| I know! | ||
| You guys send me the most fucked up shit and I'm like, I'm so going to jail for this. | ||
| But you're not. | ||
| I think that's legal. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's legal. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| You don't actually... | ||
| We have to be very clear. | ||
| You don't actually get things that could send you to jail. | ||
| You know, but here's the thing. | ||
| We're kidding! | ||
| Florida has some wacky laws with that stuff. | ||
| That's why they prosecuted certain like pornographers because they decided that it was, you know, that's why they prosecuted the two live crew. | ||
| Like it's like Broward County, Florida. | ||
| Like they go after people. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| There was one guy was a really famous case and it really opened up a lot of people's eyes in terms of pornography. | ||
| There was this guy who was like known to be like ultra disgusting. | ||
| Like the stuff that he did was like super abusive and like he would open up girls assholes like with a speculum and then piss inside of them and like crazy. | ||
| It kinda sounds like it would feel good. | ||
| If I'm being real, it's like warm. | ||
| Which is wrong. | ||
| Depends on how much beer he had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's wrong. | |
| Max Hardcore. | ||
| Yeah, so that guy. | ||
| So he was found guilty on 20 counts of obscenity by a Tampa, Florida jury. | ||
| And so they decide what's obscene and what's not obscene. | ||
| It's like they can make a distinction between regular pornography and what they decide is obscenity and violates the law. | ||
| So they put him in fucking jail. | ||
| Jesus, I'm like, just... | ||
| So I don't know if there was... | ||
| You see, that's the thing. | ||
| If you're doing that kind of shit, are you making people sign releases? | ||
| Do they know that you're going to do that kind of shit? | ||
| Are they going to arrest the girl that's punching her fist into her pussy too? | ||
| Which, by the way, I feel like she could get out of jail. | ||
| She could slide through. | ||
| She could punch and then slide through the... | ||
| She would kill it in jail. | ||
| She'd be fine. | ||
| But then the other perspective is, okay, what if this is your 18-year-old daughter who gets off of a Greyhound bus and meets this guy, and she has no idea what she's about to do, and she thinks she's going to do just like a sex movie, and this guy's pissing in her eyeballs and punching her in the face. | ||
| There was all kinds of... | ||
| I don't know if he punched her, but you know what I mean. | ||
| Is that what the pee tapes are going to be? | ||
| Do you think the pee tapes are real? | ||
| I just don't care. | ||
| Have you ever had a guy try to pee on you? | ||
| No, but I had like one guy that I was like, it was like the guy that we weren't, we were just going to like do the things that we'd never done. | ||
| And we just ended up not liking each other so we didn't bang again. | ||
| But I was like, I would let you pee on me. | ||
| Do the things you've never done, what? | ||
| Like kiss on the mouth? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Make eye contact. | ||
| He said I love you into my face. | ||
| Like tell the truth. | ||
| Programmed each other's numbers into our phones. | ||
| I had a guy pee on me once. | ||
| He really wanted to pee on me, and I was like, fine. | ||
| And I started dying laughing. | ||
| Were you guys in the bathroom or in the bed? | ||
| It was in the shower. | ||
| Oh, I've been peeing on in the shower. | ||
| You pee on people. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| That's funny, though. | ||
| But he was trying to get on my face. | ||
| It was supposed to be sexual. | ||
| It was supposed to be sexual. | ||
| But then the sheen from your face just slipped it off. | ||
| He ricocheted back on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was blinded by the mirror that is my forehead. | |
| You know how when water gets on Vaseline, it just beats up? | ||
| I damaged his retina from my lewd up face. | ||
| And as soon as it started, I could not stop laughing and I ruined the moment. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| Ruin the moment? | ||
| You made the moment. | ||
| That's the only thing good about that moment was you laughing at him. | ||
| There's no ruining that. | ||
| He's pissing in your face. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Just the fact that he wants to do it. | ||
| The best way out is you making fun of him. | ||
| And I can't tell if guys are doing it because they've seen it in porn or they're actually into it. | ||
| It's got to be like a pheromone thing or something. | ||
| So why do they want to pee on us? | ||
| Don't they want us to pee on them? | ||
| Coming on the face, guys really want to do it. | ||
| I think it's like a humiliation thing. | ||
| They want to degrade you. | ||
| I think they want you to like it. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| They want you to want them to do it. | ||
| You're so over the top, crazy sexual. | ||
| I think that's why it exists in porn. | ||
| The humiliation thing, maybe sometimes. | ||
| Maybe sometimes, but I think not always. | ||
| I don't think it's just that. | ||
| I think it's like a, wow! | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| I don't hate it, but then once it happens, you're like, this is like... | ||
| Here's my thing. | ||
| If you're gonna come on my face, you better not miss. | ||
| Don't get my hair. | ||
| Do not make me wash my hair again. | ||
| No, you better not embarrass yourself. | ||
| I don't want to have to bob and weave to catch it. | ||
| Like a dog with a treat. | ||
| I'm Marshall all of a sudden. | ||
| It's just weird when it's like not enough and it's disappointing and I have to pretend like it's more than enough. | ||
| Dudes definitely jizz and have their dogs catch it. | ||
| That is gross. | ||
| I just thought it and I know it's gotta be. | ||
| For sure, somebody. | ||
| Somebody's done that. | ||
| Isn't that funny that the amount of load is important? | ||
| Well, I used to, the same person that told me you can't recognize yourself on the street. | ||
| It's David Blaine, by the way. | ||
| It was a magic trick. | ||
| No, but I used to hear these women, there was like a show on VH1, these like rock stars wives who would always make their husbands who were like touring on the road come outside of them when they first came home to make sure they weren't cheating because they thought they'd have- They wanted to see how much cum there was? | ||
| How much cum they had, but that's not how it works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that science? | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That is so hilarious. | ||
| If you want to see how much your husband jerks off, you should always leave the Build-A-Tan lotion. | ||
| Put it in a lotion bottle and you can see how dark it is. | ||
| Those are rookies. | ||
| Who uses the lotion? | ||
| If you really need that, then you really shouldn't be jerking off. | ||
| I'm sure you have some sort of... | ||
| There's jerking off when it's a compulsion and you need lubes and you need to stick a vibrator up your ass. | ||
| And there's jerking off because you're actually horny. | ||
| I didn't know about this vibrator up the ass thing. | ||
| Well, you don't go online. | ||
| I have a taser. | ||
| I can use the taser. | ||
| You taser my pussy! | ||
| Right when you're about to go... | ||
| Just imagine if that... | ||
| Because, you know, they do that to mules, actually. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, when they want to extract sperm from them, they actually stick a cattle prod up their asshole and they just shoot. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| I know that because of Fear Factor. | ||
| That's someone's job. | ||
| No, because of Fear Factor. | ||
| We made people drink Donkey Kong. | ||
| Did you ever drink the bad stuff? | ||
| Did you ever taste it? | ||
| I didn't drink that, but I ate a bunch of things. | ||
| I ate a cockroach, a Madagascar, giant hissing cockroach. | ||
| I ate tomato. | ||
| And it popped in your mouth? | ||
| Oh, it destroyed. | ||
| It just was all chewy. | ||
| Did it taste good at all? | ||
| No, but it didn't taste bad. | ||
| Is it alive? | ||
| It's a mindfuck, yeah. | ||
| It's a mindfuck. | ||
| It doesn't taste bad. | ||
| It's almost like tasteless. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| The legs are what get me. | ||
| Yeah, but it's basically a lobster. | ||
| A lobster is a bug. | ||
| It's not much different. | ||
| It really isn't. | ||
| It's all just in your head. | ||
| It's psychological because we think of cockroaches as just being... | ||
| I cooked a lobster the other day and I felt so bad. | ||
| I was holding it. | ||
| I was trying to take a picture and I dropped it. | ||
| And then when I picked it up, it was... | ||
| Foaming and shitting and pissing. | ||
| I murdered it before I murdered it. | ||
| This is how Fear Factor got canceled. | ||
| They had to play horseshoes and either they drunk a giant glass of donkey cum or a giant glass of donkey piss. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| All the men wanted to drink the donkey piss. | ||
| The girls wanted to drink the cum. | ||
| Yeah, we're used to that. | ||
| They actually thought it was easier. | ||
| That's not a big deal. | ||
| This goes right down. | ||
| I know, but I thought it was stunning. | ||
| Protein? | ||
| These girls were drinking giant beer steins of cum. | ||
| I'm going to puke. | ||
| The belly button rings are so funny. | ||
| And I had to talk them into it, so I'm talking them through this while they're doing it. | ||
| This is where it got the show canceled. | ||
| But were the ratings bananas? | ||
| No, they never made it on the air because TMZ got a hold of this and TMZ posted like someone from the... | ||
| There's two times where I told them don't do it, the people that were running the show. | ||
| One time was they were bull riding and they were like, don't worry, it's stunt bulls. | ||
| I go, that bull does not know it's a stunt bull. | ||
| That's a fucking bull, man. | ||
| I saw the animal that these people got on, and one of them was a girl. | ||
| She was like 95 pounds. | ||
| And that fucking bull launched her through the air like she didn't exist. | ||
| Like a pillow. | ||
| That sucks that I'm mad at her for being 95 pounds. | ||
| I'm glad she got hurt. | ||
| The heel of the bull as he's kicking, the hoof, barely missed her head. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Like within a foot of her head. | ||
| Like if it kicked her in the head, who the fuck knows what would have happened? | ||
| So this is one where I told these people, I'm like, do not fucking do this. | ||
| No, it's crazy. | ||
| Is this the girl? | ||
| See that thing? | ||
| See how close that came to her head? | ||
| She was really hurt. | ||
| Did she fuck up her back? | ||
| Well, she didn't land well. | ||
| She landed really badly. | ||
| Whoa, it did hit her. | ||
| But the hoof missed her. | ||
| It's the back of the ham is what slapped into her. | ||
| Luckily, I don't think that hurt her nearly as bad as the hoof would have hurt her. | ||
| I cracked my L4 falling off a horse just like that. | ||
| That was honestly her rolling the dice. | ||
| She was tough as fuck. | ||
| She got up and she was okay. | ||
| She looks thin. | ||
| Yeah, she's a tiny girl. | ||
| I bet you she's fat now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doesn't last forever, bitch! | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Just kidding, she's very pretty. | ||
| I hope she's very svelte. | ||
| Dude, Fear Factor was like the beginning of the internet. | ||
| It was like, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, it was such a... | ||
| It was the first time... | ||
| Like, it was the... | ||
| It was like TV never could come back from it. | ||
| Nothing could compete with it after that, except the internet. | ||
| That was as far as they could take it. | ||
| What channel was it? | ||
| That was NBC. That was as far as they could take it. | ||
| Donkey Kong. | ||
| I remember walking into the office going, what are you talking about? | ||
| And they're going, this is what they're going to do. | ||
| They're going to play horseshoes. | ||
| I go, is there a way that they can get out of drinking it totally? | ||
| Like if they land, what is it? | ||
| Horseshoe when you get a shoe? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| A point? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What is it when you hit the thing? | ||
| On a horseshoe? | ||
| Any idea? | ||
| A goal? | ||
| I'm like, is it possible if they ring around the horseshoe? | ||
| It's definitely not called ring around the horseshoe. | ||
| It's 100%. | ||
| Is it possible that they could drink nothing? | ||
| And they said no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then you have to only drink like eight ounces. | ||
| I'm like, this is crazy. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's like a, it's a bestiality rape situation where you're forcing them to swallow the sexual juices. | ||
| This was signed off. | ||
| It's also a wild amount of cum. | ||
| A wild amount of cum. | ||
| Well, isn't it funny that people keep getting canceled for like doing blackface and shit, but the network signed off on it. | ||
| You're like, why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They signed off on it. | |
| Why is it the person's fault? | ||
| It's like the network should be the one. | ||
| It's on SNL. It's like, you know how many people have to sign off on that in order to make it happen? | ||
| Like 200 people said, sure. | ||
| If you're around a bunch of crazy fucks, like the comics at the store, and then one person says, I think you can do it. | ||
| You're like, we can do it? | ||
| We are not the fucking people to be talking to about that. | ||
| But even then, I was telling them not to do it. | ||
| I was like, don't do this. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| When I'm the voice of reason, We're fucked. | ||
| I'm like, this show's fucked. | ||
| You can't have me telling you you're going too far. | ||
| And they're like, man, I think you're wrong. | ||
| I think this is fine. | ||
| I go, it's cum. | ||
| Did they go to you, this is all mental. | ||
| It's all mental. | ||
| No, they didn't. | ||
| They were laughing. | ||
| Did any of them puke? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Afterwards, I saw so many people puke. | ||
| Like, a stunning amount of people puke. | ||
| Is it true that there's contagious puking, where if you see one person puke, you automatically puke? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, I used to get it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fear Factor cured me of it. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah, when I was in high school, if a kid puked in the hallway, I just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I would start puking. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's because there's something wrong, like maybe even bad food, and you're with that person, so maybe you ate that bad food too, and your body's like, oh... | ||
| Or you smell it, maybe? | ||
| Let's just... | ||
| Let's not take any risks and let's just throw this shit up. | ||
| Survival instinct if I see someone. | ||
| It was actually explained to me by someone who knows what it is. | ||
| That's really interesting. | ||
| Like your body's trying to purge it because it's like, oh, this person's throwing up. | ||
| There could be a bad bug or I could have eaten some bad food and you just blah. | ||
| You just want to throw up too. | ||
| Have you ever been thrown up on? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| People have hit me. | ||
| Like, hit my feet and shit. | ||
| Fear Factor. | ||
| I saw... | ||
| Who knows how many people throw up? | ||
| I puked on the whole cast of the Real World Road Rules Challenge in Santa Fe once. | ||
| I got so hammered. | ||
| Do you remember when they used to do that? | ||
| They would, like, have all the old alumni come? | ||
| Were you on that show? | ||
| No, I was living in... | ||
| I was a go-go dancer in Santa Fe. | ||
| And I... That's not stripping, by the way. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I loved the show, so I couldn't believe all the people coming into town. | ||
| It's such a small town, so I was like, holy shit. | ||
| We had a lot of celebrities like Sam Shepard and all these people, but I was like, fuck that. | ||
| I want to hang out with the Road Rules guy. | ||
| So I was so excited, but I got the flu. | ||
| So instead of not going out, I just chugged Dayquil, and then I was drinking white Russians because I was like 20. You know, so I puked like this milky orange shit all over them and it just happened to be a day that they weren't filming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| You puked on them? | ||
| I puked all over them. | ||
| I'm like, why was this not being filmed? | ||
| It could be my first TV credit. | ||
| Oh shit! | ||
| And then I was thinking about it. | ||
| It was funny because later in that week I was at a bar and all the people were there but the producers and stuff and the producers were like, so what's your story? | ||
| And I realized they were like, this crazy bitch has got to be on the real world. | ||
| They probably were like, She's good television. | ||
| She's our new puck. | ||
| Oh my god, puck. | ||
| Is he dead? | ||
| I feel like all the people died. | ||
| One guy had AIDS in the beginning. | ||
| They become famous and then you're just cast out into the world with no talent. | ||
| They were the first reality stars too. | ||
| I remember one time a friend of mine was at a restaurant in Charleston, South Carolina and one of the famous girls from the real world was a waitress at one of the restaurants and took a picture and sent it to me and I was like, oh Of course they didn't pay them anything, but they were famous and broke. | ||
| Well, I remember there was a place that John and Kate Plus ate, the John guy, he was working at a regular job. | ||
| John Gosselin. | ||
| Yeah, and people wouldn't leave him alone. | ||
| I'm sure now he's okay, but I remember I was in Hawaii once with my family, and we went to this ice cream place, and they were like, John and Kate were just here! | ||
| Serving, scooping ice cream! | ||
| This was back when it was a show, when it was on television, and it's a weird kind of fame, because they were really famous, and now they're They're not. | ||
| It just stopped. | ||
| You a little bit have it, too, I think, because we're ourselves on stage. | ||
| None of us are really that much of characters, I would say. | ||
| But with the Impractical Jokers, when I hang out with Sal from Impractical Jokers, people come up and they think they know him because of his personality. | ||
| They'll be like, Sal! | ||
| And deck him. | ||
| I'm like, Jesus Christ, we're just at the movies. | ||
| Like, chill. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I mean, that's how Houdini died, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But yeah, I get that a lot, too. | ||
| When I was doing the roast, for sure, people would come up to me and be like, hey, cunt! | ||
| And I'd be like, Jesus. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It's like 2.30 at the airport. | ||
| I've panicked when I met famous people and put my foot in my mouth and seemed like a moron. | ||
| Wait, did I tell you what I did? | ||
| After I did your show, we talked about Survivor, and I ran into Jeff Probst. | ||
| Survivor's my favorite show. | ||
| And every time I'm on your show, I will tell the millions of people to keep watching Survivor. | ||
| It's number one. | ||
| You should do a show called Sexual Assault Survivor. | ||
| Sexual Assault Survivor. | ||
| Bond. | ||
| Trauma bonding. | ||
| Also, I was molested. | ||
| No, but I ran into him at Coffee Bean, and he's my guy. | ||
| He's the person I freak out about, and I know that's nerdy, but I love the show so much. | ||
| You know what's hilarious? | ||
| That's where I met him. | ||
| I met him at Coffee Bean. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I name-dropped you so fucking fast, because I was being such a psycho that I needed him to know that I had some sort of stake in Hollywood. | ||
| I was like, I'm a comic star writer. | ||
| My name's on the wall. | ||
| I just talked about you on Joe Rogan's podcast, and he goes, I love Joe. | ||
| He's like, come on the show. | ||
| And I was like, I'm a psycho. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Everyone's a psycho and I was like, no. | ||
| What if you made a million dollars on Survivor? | ||
| I can't show my feet. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| They'd have to pixelate. | ||
| What's wrong with your feet? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I just have a bit where I don't show my feet. | ||
| And I just can't end it for the rest of my life. | ||
| You've never seen her Instagram? | ||
| Yeah, do you? | ||
| All of the pictures of her feet on Instagram are pixelated. | ||
| Oh my god, Whitney muted me. | ||
| Listen, on Instagram, even the picture that she took when she was on the show the first time, her feet pixelated. | ||
| She's got her foot up in the air and it's pixelated. | ||
| And now it's just like a bit. | ||
| It's just like a bit now forever. | ||
| My feet are so ugly, but for some reason I think it's like my first Google search is Whitney Cummings' feet. | ||
| Yeah, they want the feet. | ||
| Well, that's for every girl that's ever lived. | ||
| It's not face. | ||
| It's not face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not body. | |
| It's not comedy. | ||
| Oh, it's the freaks online. | ||
| The really dark, in-the-basement freaks are the ones that are in the feet. | ||
| And what's the deal with foot fetish? | ||
| Someone was saying that it was something about because babies, they crawl around and their moms are barefoot. | ||
| What I know of it, which I don't... | ||
| Who knows, but... | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's like the – a guy was doing a phantom limb study and he said that when he was checking the brain that the neuropathways that go from your brain to your feet are next to the ones that go to your genitals. | ||
| So he thinks that that got mixed in some people. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| I thought it was something about – as a kid, you see your mom's feet so much when you're so tiny and you – You guys really are just trying to bang your moms. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| It's Freud. | ||
| It's really kind of exhausting. | ||
| That was another interesting thing about the book. | ||
| Talking about Freud and the cocaine thing with Freud. | ||
| People back then, when Freud was doing coke, they didn't think that addiction was for intellectuals. | ||
| They thought brilliant people couldn't get addicted. | ||
| Isn't it hilarious? | ||
| Literally, he thought he could take coke with abandon and he'd be fine because that's a mental weakness. | ||
| And he would never have a mental weakness. | ||
| You know what I think about a lot, though? | ||
| All the people like Bukowski, all the people that are like brilliant, you look back, they were so fucked up. | ||
| And I always struggle with that, where I'm like... | ||
| Picasso, all those guys that were awful. | ||
| I watched the Masterclass of David Lynch, and he was like, I go outside, I can't do it with David Lynch, but he goes, he's like, I go outside when I write, my best writing is done when I do, I have a legal notepad, I go outside, I drink wine, and I smoke cigarettes. | ||
| And I was like so close to smoking cigarettes. | ||
| Again, I got nicotine toothpicks, because I was like, maybe I'll be brilliant like David Lynch if I smoke cigarettes. | ||
| But it's like, do we need that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No. | ||
| I do think there's a certain, like, ability to risk and be self-destructive. | ||
| Like, I'll smoke cigarettes sometimes, and I'm like, fuck it. | ||
| Like, fuck it. | ||
| You do need a fuck it mentality to take risks on stage and to stay out till two in the morning and to jeopardize yourself and your relationship. | ||
| There's value in booze. | ||
| There's value in pot. | ||
| There's value in mushrooms. | ||
| There's value in those things. | ||
| But it's not necessarily the whole thing. | ||
| I think people can write brilliant shit and be stone cold sober. | ||
| It's a focus thing. | ||
| You can talk your mind into psychedelic states. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Holotropic breathing and meditation. | ||
| You know that I do breath work all the time. | ||
| I've been treating this quarantine like... | ||
| Because these are my eat, pray, love years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a camp? | |
| No, it's my eat, pray, love years. | ||
| I should be in India fucking a Sherpa. | ||
| I should not be trapped in my house. | ||
| So I do breath work every day. | ||
| I think Sherpas are in the Himalayas. | ||
| Oh my God, you always do this to me. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| We get it. | ||
| You read the articles. | ||
| I read the headlines. | ||
| I just want to save you from being canceled. | ||
| Nepal is not India. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he gets her news from Infowars. | |
| I just read your Instagram and then I'm like, I'm smart. | ||
| I know Jeff Probst and Joe Rogan. | ||
| Jeff Probst wanted me on the show, but I'm not ready for it. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Wait, let's do it together? | ||
| No, I'm saying to you. | ||
| I'm doing you. | ||
| I was doing you. | ||
| Jeff Probst popped me on the show. | ||
| You should do it. | ||
| Don't they have like couple survivor or like friend survivor? | ||
| We could do it together. | ||
| You would do it together? | ||
| We are so annoying. | ||
| Do you know how fast they would vote us off? | ||
| But that's the good thing. | ||
| I get more annoying the more tired I am. | ||
| I do think comedians, we do have like grit. | ||
| Like I do think we could win. | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| You two fucking psychos can win. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| We do have a certain level of grit and exoskeleton. | ||
| It's about manipulation. | ||
| That is where I shine. | ||
| It's about being a pathological liar. | ||
| If you're not a liar, I don't believe you. | ||
| Listen, anybody who's a comic has had some damage when you're young, and then you see vulnerabilities in people, you see things to complain about, you would find their weaknesses. | ||
| You two are both predators. | ||
| You would see where they're fucked up, and you're like, Well, that's what you had to do in a fucked up home. | ||
| You had to learn how to beguile and manipulate and charm people. | ||
| I like how our trauma landed on us differently and you know what beguile means? | ||
| I'm like, what's beguiled? | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| You guys should 100% have a show together. | ||
| You guys would like, you know, there's like guys we fucked and call her daddy. | ||
| There's all these couple girls. | ||
| You guys would dominate that shit. | ||
| The two of you would fucking dominate that shit. | ||
| The two of you together would have the number one podcast on planet Earth. | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| Should we try to eclipse Joe Rogan? | ||
| You could do it. | ||
| I'm not bullshitting you. | ||
| A hundred percent could do it. | ||
| You would get all the girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All of them. | |
| You're both like badass chicks but you're not you even though you have been victims you're not victims you talk honest your comics are really incredible but you're both legit comics like you two together like that would be a fucking monster combination and I'll help you I I'm busy. | ||
| I'll promote it. | ||
| I'll do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| I'll put you guys on the show. | ||
| I think you should do it. | ||
| We also, by the way, because I just started my podcast. | ||
| You have your podcast. | ||
| I now have time for another one. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Now that I've done the podcast enough, I serve them. | ||
| We can do it from this studio. | ||
| Can we do it from here? | ||
| That was our plan. | ||
| We had some plans. | ||
| We'd have to figure out how to get somebody to watch you, like Hawks. | ||
| I think you have actual hawks in here. | ||
| I have to keep the Navy SEAL guys on staff. | ||
| Part of the reason I love Annie so much and our relationship so much is that I feel like I don't see people disagree anymore. | ||
| No one will tolerate anyone that disagrees with them in any way. | ||
| People just want to align with people and it's like a fucking echo chamber circle jerk of like, we agree, we agree. | ||
| Annie and I can disagree and fuck with each other and we still respect each other and love each other and have different points of view. | ||
| Ari and I disagree about 80% of the things That's how it is with most friends. | ||
| You're supposed to be like that. | ||
| If you're married to your ideas to the point where they're your identity, and you can't... | ||
| Can't be challenged. | ||
| Well, not only that. | ||
| Your ideas... | ||
| An idea is not, first of all, it's just an idea. | ||
| It's not even yours. | ||
| It's just an idea. | ||
| And if someone doesn't agree with it, why is it personal? | ||
| But it is. | ||
| It is for most of us, most of the time. | ||
| It's taken me forever to try to beat that down. | ||
| I don't have it totally beaten down, But I have it to the point where I recognize, oh, I'm attached to this. | ||
| Let's just look at it for what it is. | ||
| It's not me. | ||
| I'm not this idea. | ||
| But so many people... | ||
| And this is what we're seeing with politics in the biggest way possible. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| This is not... | ||
| The Democratic Party is you. | ||
| You have to win. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's not just these ideas. | ||
| It's not just an election. | ||
| It's you. | ||
| Well, people fighting over the masks, too. | ||
| They've politicized it. | ||
| They've made it like this part of their identity. | ||
| They're watching everyone. | ||
| All those people with their masks on their avatar. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Is that how you look best? | ||
| People also, I get annoyed when I, because I'll do live streams and stuff from my car, not when I'm driving, but I'll have my mask on and everyone will be like, why are you, and I'm like, I don't, the mask means so little to me. | ||
| It means so much to other people. | ||
| It means so little. | ||
| I don't notice that it's on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I didn't remember that it's on. | ||
| Well, that's because your nose is really big. | ||
| I was going to say, I was going to say! | ||
| My nose is so good that I can't smell it. | ||
| It's more flattened, so it touches my face more. | ||
| Yeah, because you got beat up. | ||
| I'm sorry I'm so cool and pretty. | ||
| Nobody wants to punch me in the face. | ||
| I want to do a joke that I couldn't do. | ||
| I was going to maybe do it on a talk show, but remember when the prison inmates were being released? | ||
| Yeah, for COVID. And I want to do something about, like, imagine the warden giving that speech of, like, telling the prison inmates that they were about to be released and being like, hey guys, a couple things changed. | ||
| You now have to wear masks at all times. | ||
| Cover your faces at all times. | ||
| And the police have been defunded. | ||
| Go. | ||
| See you in a couple weeks. | ||
| I know it's such a good deal. | ||
| The one guy who got released and then murdered the woman who accused him of rape? | ||
| Because he got to wear a mask? | ||
| I don't even know if it's because he got a mask. | ||
| That's what he was going to do if he got out. | ||
| I don't know if he raped her. | ||
| I don't know what really happened, but he definitely murdered her. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| He was claiming that it was a false accusation and he got out of jail and murdered her. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| They're releasing violent criminals. | ||
| It's not just people in jail for coke. | ||
| And they get to wear masks all day. | ||
| I mean, you look at these ring cameras, these security cameras, and I'm like, well, everyone's in a mask. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| But I was thinking with the looting... | ||
| Don't you recognize people when you see their eyes? | ||
| I see people in masks and I go, it's weird how much I can recognize someone just from this part of their face. | ||
| So I was always like, it would be so embarrassing to get caught. | ||
| I'm walking in with an Apple Watch and they're like, is that? | ||
| That's how Jake Paul got caught. | ||
| Jake Paul got caught on a camera. | ||
| His own camera. | ||
| Was it his camera? | ||
| He vlogged it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Did he really? | ||
| It was his brother, I think. | ||
| He's wild, dude. | ||
| That dude is so wild. | ||
| Did you see the mayor shut down that TikTok house that wouldn't stop partying? | ||
| Did they definitely shut it down? | ||
| They say they authorized it, but did they pull the electricity? | ||
| Pull the electricity, yeah. | ||
| That is a weird thing to do. | ||
| Look, I'm not saying that they shouldn't tell these people they shouldn't have parties and spread it all over the place because they definitely are spreading it. | ||
| Like Dr. Malkin, one of the guys that treated us, treated more than 100 people that went to that party. | ||
| And I think somewhere in the neighborhood of almost half of them had COVID. Jesus. | ||
| These people are going to these giant parties and there's sick people at the party and you're drinking and you're 20 and you don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| Sharing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 24 years old, hammered. | ||
| And then you're going back to your families and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| And grandpa dies. | ||
| And grandma dies. | ||
| My dad's 79. I want to see my dad so badly as in Philly. | ||
| He doesn't want to see you, though. | ||
| No, but honestly, he really is. | ||
| Whitney, it's so sad. | ||
| He's like, nope. | ||
| And I was like, no, but what if I camped? | ||
| I was like, I'll drive out. | ||
| I'll camp. | ||
| I'll like... | ||
| I'll get tested before or whatever. | ||
| And he's like, no. | ||
| He's like, because he's just so, he just doesn't want it. | ||
| He doesn't want it. | ||
| And I'm so happy he's like that. | ||
| But I'm like, but dad, can I hang out with you? | ||
| Our podcast wouldn't be calling your daddy. | ||
| We called our daddies. | ||
| They didn't pick up. | ||
| Daddies aren't answering. | ||
| Daddy didn't do a good job. | ||
| Daddy will return our calls. | ||
| Can you imagine if you had a podcast called Daddy Didn't Do a Good Job? | ||
| I love my dad so much, but he's like, well, bring me up today. | ||
| My dad goes, bring me up today. | ||
| I go, are you sure you want me to? | ||
| He goes, oh, well, maybe not. | ||
| I mean, I honestly, I'm now at a point where I'm so grateful at all the mistakes my parents made because it's made me, like, I am equipped in so many ways that so many of my friends that had good childhoods aren't, and I can just, like, sort shit out. | ||
| Like, adversity was so good for me. | ||
| How boring would a comfortable life be? | ||
| The most fucked up people I know have married parents. | ||
| They have all these fucked up expectations. | ||
| My parents are married. | ||
| Shit was bad when I was a kid. | ||
| They're now, I was looking at it like this, like, now, even though everything was fucked up and I possibly could have been sold into sex forever, You got really close. | ||
| Yeah, I was very close. | ||
| You wouldn't go for that. | ||
| The story about you hiding under the car? | ||
| Like, holy shit. | ||
| That's like one of the good ones. | ||
| That's a baby one. | ||
| Now you're just bragging. | ||
| I went to an Epstein high school. | ||
| My high school, literally, they all fucked us. | ||
| Like, all the teachers. | ||
| It just came out, another teacher got caught with kiddie porn. | ||
| It was a school with, my graduate class was 17 kids. | ||
| Like, there were seven teachers, like, come on. | ||
| My drama teacher gave one of the students AIDS. I found that out later. | ||
| Wow, this is Bond, Trauma Bond. | ||
| This is Trauma Bond. | ||
| Maybe that's what you guys call it. | ||
| Trauma Bond. | ||
| Trauma Bond. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, that's actually a fucking dope title for a podcast. | |
| I love it. | ||
| Trauma Bond. | ||
| Trauma Bond is pretty good. | ||
| But with my parents, I always think like... | ||
| They're good now. | ||
| Who cares about the past? | ||
| They're so loving and sweet and awesome that it's like, I don't care. | ||
| People make mistakes. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They did the best they came with the tools they had. | ||
| My mom had me when she was 21. She didn't know what the fuck she was doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was drunk. | |
| It was her birthday. | ||
| She gave her shots. | ||
| There's no way you're going to do a good job as a parent when you're 21. I mean, it's just so hard. | ||
| What's your dad's itch? | ||
| I don't know my dad. | ||
| He didn't come out of the woodworks when it was like, oh shit. | ||
| I haven't spoken to him since I was seven years old. | ||
| Does he know you're you? | ||
| Yeah, I have the same name as him. | ||
| He's Joe Rogan. | ||
| You're a junior? | ||
| No. | ||
| I have a middle name. | ||
| He hasn't reached out to try to get a cut of all this? | ||
| No. | ||
| You got your smarts from your mom, I guess. | ||
| Do you think he's alive? | ||
| Oh yeah, he's alive. | ||
| My mom's smart. | ||
| My mom's family is very smart. | ||
| They're very intense people. | ||
| I can tell. | ||
| What's your lineage? | ||
| Mostly Italian. | ||
| A little bit of Irish. | ||
| My biological dad's father was from Ireland. | ||
| Everybody's from Europe. | ||
| My parents on both sides, all the family was all first-generation immigrants. | ||
| Do you like Ireland? | ||
| I've never been. | ||
| Oh, you've got to go. | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| I've been to Dublin for UFC, and I was in Belfast. | ||
| I was in Northern Ireland as well for UFC. Ireland's so cool. | ||
| It seems like you feel more of a calling to Italy. | ||
| Well, that's the family I knew. | ||
| I'm certainly some sort of a European mutt with Italian and there's some African. | ||
| I got some African in there and a small amount of Asian. | ||
| We heard you had a little African. | ||
| I don't know what that means, but I am shocked we haven't gotten cancelled yet. | ||
| But it just happened. | ||
| It's mostly Italian and Irish. | ||
| But if you look at some people, like, wasn't Conan O'Brien, they found out he was 100% Irish? | ||
| They've never seen anything like this? | ||
| Have you seen him? | ||
| I could have told him after just looking at him. | ||
| It really makes sense. | ||
| It's interesting when you find out where your ancestors came from. | ||
| I have 1% Asian. | ||
| I'm like, where's that? | ||
| Where'd that come from? | ||
| The eyes are very... | ||
| That's just getting old. | ||
| Genghis Khan had... | ||
| That guy fucked so many people. | ||
| He had some preposterous amount of DNA in Asia. | ||
| Isn't it like 20% of people are descendants of his or something? | ||
| Something wacky like that. | ||
| Like insanity. | ||
| Have you ever seen or read, listened to Dan Carlin's Hardcore History? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's an amazing podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Love him. | |
| And he had a whole series called The Wrath of the Khan on Genghis Khan, and it fucking blew me away. | ||
| The guy killed 10% of the population of the planet Earth while he was alive. | ||
| He's killing more people than COVID. It translates to 0.5% of the male population of the world, or roughly 16 million descendants living today. | ||
| And how many of those descendants have fucked each other? | ||
| Nearly 8% of the men living in the region of the former Mongol Emperor carry the Y chromosomes that are nearly identical to him. | ||
| That means 8% of the fucking people today that live in that region have his genes. | ||
| That's how many people that guy fucked. | ||
| That is bananas. | ||
| They should have done that on Fear Factor. | ||
| You have to swallow his cum? | ||
| This is really old cum. | ||
| It's like kimchi. | ||
| They bury it in the ground in a clay jar. | ||
| I wonder, because my ancestry is Scotch-Irish came through West Virginia coal miners, and there were a lot of Italian coal miners, actually. | ||
| Yeah, well, people did what they had to do back then. | ||
| Maybe you guys are cousins. | ||
| That's the thing about our world today. | ||
| The jobs that suck today, they still suck. | ||
| There still are people that coal mine. | ||
| But it's not what most people are doing when they come over. | ||
| It's the whole scratch and claw that the immigrants had, that my grandparents had. | ||
| Those people that came here straight off the boat. | ||
| That's why New Jersey and New York is so hostile. | ||
| The echoes of those people are still there. | ||
| I thought it was because Joey was coming back. | ||
| They were like, oh no, we're going to get kidnapped. | ||
| That ancestral trauma. | ||
| Yeah, and that's how we used to have this bit about California that everybody got as far as they could and went, fuck, I don't want to live in Hawaii. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just stayed right here. | ||
| It's like they're trying to get away from everything that was on the East Coast. | ||
| There's something so specific about the personality type here. | ||
| There's something just bitch in the DNA of this area. | ||
| Well, it's people want attention. | ||
| They want attention really, really badly, and if they don't get it, they think someone's doing them wrong. | ||
| It's a very sensitive culture. | ||
| And I mean, I guess it's a lot of people that come out here to pretend for a living. | ||
| Very emotional people. | ||
| Well, a lot of that. | ||
| And you're coming out here, even if it's not to pretend, you're coming out here to get famous. | ||
| Well, I just feel like if you do get famous, like a certain type of famous, you've now come into this club where they're like... | ||
| Alright, you're no longer going to be exactly who you are. | ||
| And especially with actors, I feel like. | ||
| Your job is to play someone else. | ||
| They go, you're not going to have any personal opinions. | ||
| You're going to keep our secrets. | ||
| You're a puppet. | ||
| Get these kids' adrenaline up. | ||
| We're going to take their blood. | ||
| Whatever they do. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| It does feel like you are agreeing to be a part of it. | ||
| They go, alright, we're going to let you in. | ||
| But you have to not embarrass us. | ||
| You have to keep it. | ||
| Yeah, that's really interesting. | ||
| And it's interesting because I'm seeing so many actors now that are becoming activists. | ||
| And I'm like, is that just because you played a doctor on TV? You think you can now be a doctor? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| It's what they're doing. | ||
| They're not getting any attention. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The attention's dried up. | ||
| There's no sets. | ||
| You can't go to the set. | ||
| So there's no movies. | ||
| There's no TV shows. | ||
| So what do they do? | ||
| They panic and they make these black and white videos about how they're going to take responsibility. | ||
| And they're not going to allow racism anymore. | ||
| And they're doing it so actor-y. | ||
| They're doing it in character. | ||
| It's so disgusting. | ||
| It's so fake. | ||
| I'm going to act like I care about this. | ||
| I'm going to act like I... It's so prepared. | ||
| It's so gross. | ||
| I guess that's what they do. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm seeing all these celebrities pose with Kamala Harris. | ||
| I'm like, you know that's going to do the opposite of what you think. | ||
| It's going to make America hate her. | ||
| It's going to make America realize that the con is on. | ||
| You're a part of it. | ||
| Well, I just remember with Hillary, everyone's like, vote for Hillary or you're an idiot. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You're making me want to vote for Trump. | ||
| You know what Joey told me about you that I forgot to ask you last time I was here? | ||
| What? | ||
| Did you have piranhas at some point? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| I'm a problem. | ||
| That's how alpha you are? | ||
| I need murderous fish. | ||
| I'll do you one better. | ||
| At one point in time, I had an outdoor courtyard at my house, and I was seriously considering glassing it in and getting some crocodile monitors and feeding them rabbits. | ||
| I had this whole plan, and I talked to an architect. | ||
| And they said, just move to Florida. | ||
| I was gonna glass in like this terrarium in the middle of my house and I was gonna put tropical plants in there and like have sprinklers so it sprays water and keeps them in a good healthy environment and I was gonna let Wild Kingdom take place in my backyard but they told me there's a real problem with the rotting of the carcasses like if you feed rabbits to these things they shit and then you got to clean it up and you can't really go in there so you'd have to hire someone to come in and like rustle the fucking Monitors. | ||
| Because they're big. | ||
| Have you ever seen a crocodile monitor? | ||
| It's a terrifying looking creature. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I had this idea. | ||
| I thought it was like a monitor to watch the crocodile. | ||
| So did I. No, no, no. | ||
| It's a very large, scary lizard. | ||
| And it's because I had the piranhas and I would buy the goldfish. | ||
| Please stop talking about Tim Dillon. | ||
| That's not nice. | ||
| So you had like a piranha guy who was like, hey, I have some crocodiles for you. | ||
| But that's not a real good picture of him. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| That one, the yellow one in the middle. | ||
| Those are dinosaurs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And they get fucking big. | ||
| They get big, like six feet long. | ||
| And they can kill you? | ||
| I mean, it's not going to be a fun wrestling match. | ||
| They'll take a bite out of your cat. | ||
| They're going to clamp down on you. | ||
| I went to Runyon one day and there was this guy with like a... | ||
| It was a smaller one. | ||
| It was like this big and it was yellow. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Maybe one of the little dragons? | ||
| Look at that lady that's holding that one on the top. | ||
| I was playing with it like that and then someone was like... | ||
| I saw later at the comedy store was like, you know that those could bite your face off. | ||
| They do bite people sometimes. | ||
| They can, like, take your nose off. | ||
| You can't predict what a large lizard is going to decide it doesn't like. | ||
| Look at that eye. | ||
| It seems fucking cool, though. | ||
| That looks like a T-Rex eye. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| It looks like a dinosaur. | ||
| It's a goddamn raptor. | ||
| He's gripping you like Mike Binder did during that. | ||
| I don't know when I became like the person that you touch when you want to say something offensive. | ||
| It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. | ||
| It's like I'm safe. | ||
| Don't suck me into this. | ||
| You fucked up and moved seats. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You fucked up and moved seats and then you were the closest one. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, I thought Rogan should be in the middle. | ||
| You guys should have a TikTok house together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have Garcetti come and shut your house down. | ||
| We just do it without electricity. | ||
| We're like, fuck this. | ||
| We're going to live without electricity. | ||
| Whitney, you could do that. | ||
| You could have a TikTok house. | ||
| Dude, I would fucking do that. | ||
| I've kind of been doing this in the quarantine. | ||
| You're like, Whitney, you have money. | ||
| You can have her rent a place. | ||
| I've kind of been doing that in the quarantine. | ||
| Tim Dillon's been staying with me. | ||
| Esther, I make Annie come over. | ||
| I want to start a coven of comics. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Well, I mean, like we're saying, that's what we miss the most, is hanging out. | ||
| We want it to be a harem. | ||
| We're all trying to finger you, aren't we? | ||
| I can't speak for Esther, but I can. | ||
| Just don't pee on me and we're good. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I started a podcast in my house. | ||
| I have a podcast studio. | ||
| We could do it out of my podcast studio in my house. | ||
| I have a podcast studio too at the kitchen. | ||
| It is my goal to make Annie rich as fuck and just watch you go completely insane. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I think she'll handle it. | ||
| You think she'll be okay being rich? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, I think so, too. | ||
| I feel like you're going to give it all to your ex-boyfriends anyway. | ||
| You're going to stay poor. | ||
| No, I've actually stopped doing that. | ||
| I've actually stopped paying for money. | ||
| I've gone broke. | ||
| Rogan, this was when you used to give me $100 bills. | ||
| We were in the parking lot, and I go, I'm standing next to Rogan, right? | ||
| And I'm like, we're friends. | ||
| We do the same thing. | ||
| Obviously, he's been doing it longer than me and everything, but we do the same thing. | ||
| We're parked in the same parking lot. | ||
| I go, Rogan, Can you teach me how to be rich? | ||
| Because I live in that car, and that's like one of your 60 cars or something, and you started laughing in my face. | ||
| You pulled out a lot of money and you go, this means nothing to me. | ||
| You handed me $300 bills. | ||
| I tried to give you money once, but I thought it would have weirded out our relationship. | ||
| I gave her money every time I saw her. | ||
| He would slap me, high five, but then it got weird because I thought you thought I was showing up to get money from you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Did you really? | ||
| I was worried you were going to think that. | ||
| Oh no, I never thought that. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It was a fun little gag we would do. | ||
| This is the funniest bit ever. | ||
| We should do it more, like a million. | ||
| But it gets funnier than more money it is. | ||
| But you told me, too, you were like, if I handle the people that are... | ||
| Because I love watching you get attacked by fans. | ||
| When they approach, because I see them getting nervous, you can see them, too, probably from fighting. | ||
| It makes me so uncomfortable. | ||
| And I see them coming, and I watch you, you're being cool, you're being cool, and you're very nice, you're fan-friendly, but they're just having such a moment they can't get over themselves, they're freaking out. | ||
| So I told you that, and you go, I'll pay you $100 to get people away that you know I want to get away. | ||
| But then I started body checking people, and you're like, that's my friend! | ||
| And I was like, oh shit! | ||
| Rogan, I'm hungry! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm hungry! | |
| I was like, boom! | ||
| Elbowing Brandon Shaw in the face. | ||
| Dude, when someone comes up to Rogan, you see them circling like a fucking barracuda. | ||
| You're talking to Rogan, you see just people circling. | ||
| For some reason, they always want to show you a video. | ||
| No, they're unfolding a paper. | ||
| They're like... | ||
| They always have something queued up for you to watch. | ||
| Like, yo, I gotta show you something. | ||
| But you handle it really well. | ||
| You do it without hurting their feelings. | ||
| Yeah, you're so nice. | ||
| I try. | ||
| You do this Jedi Minds trick where you're like, no thanks man. | ||
| I try to be very nice. | ||
| But it's an odd thing. | ||
| But like I said, it's odd when I meet people. | ||
| When I met Bourdain, one of the first things I said was, my wife says you're my boyfriend. | ||
| That was the first thing I said. | ||
| Oh, that's so funny. | ||
| She's like, you're going to meet your boyfriend? | ||
| She thinks she's being funny. | ||
| And I said it to him and he's like, what? | ||
| I'm like, oh. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You're not a comic. | ||
| You're a guy with a thumb ring. | ||
| He's so sexy, dude. | ||
| He was a great, great guy. | ||
| He's so fun to hang around with. | ||
| I really enjoy that guy. | ||
| Did you read that article I sent you? | ||
| That girl Leah McSweeney wrote? | ||
| I started, and I was like, ugh. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Was it upsetting? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| About what? | ||
| About Bourdain? | ||
| She was just talking about the toxic... | ||
| Was it before he had died, or was it after he died? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She was writing about toxic femininity during the Me Too movement, which was like a breath of fresh air. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| But she was talking about Asi Argenta and Rose McGowan and the stuff with Anthony Bourdain and how fucked up it was. | ||
| But she's cool. | ||
| She's on the New York Housewives now for some reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know her. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's a really good article. | ||
| There's toxic people. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| If you get into this whole believe all women thing or believe all men thing or believe all trans people, believe all anybody, you're going to run into people that are juking the system. | ||
| You're gonna run into toxic people. | ||
| And the people that say, believe all this person are the same people. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's also the same people that go, you can't generalize about all people. | ||
| And it's like, well, which is it? | ||
| Well, they're trying to rope you into complicity. | ||
| You have to comply. | ||
| And if they're saying, believe all anything, you must comply. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what they're doing. | ||
| They're playing a game with you and it's not a rational one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's not a, I've thought this through and this is the best way as a sensitive, nuanced person we should approach this. | ||
| We should look at it with an open mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're not saying that. | ||
| They believe all anything. | ||
| Believe all anything is crazy. | ||
| It's disrespectful to like real victims. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I always hated the hashtag. | ||
| I always would joke. | ||
| I go, the Me Too movement, the hashtag bothered me because it's like, here's like, I had a girl who I got in a fight with who her argument was, she goes, you don't understand what the Me Too movement was. | ||
| I'm the only one in this group of girlfriends that has actually had actual assault happen, you know, and sat in court and stuff and like really handled my predator. | ||
| Now you're just bragging about how pretty you are. | ||
| We get it. | ||
| Guys want to assault you. | ||
| I am so hot. | ||
| I've been hot since I was little. | ||
| I know to rock a diaper. | ||
| They're willing to break the law to touch you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We get it. | |
| But I did do the right thing, you know? | ||
| So it was like, I do think I have a good perspective on this stuff. | ||
| And she goes, that's not what we're fighting for. | ||
| The Me Too movement is about, why when I go to the comedy club, do the male comics kiss me on the cheek and not the other guys? | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| So that's this. | ||
| This is what I said. | ||
| This is this part of the hashtag. | ||
| And then it's like real rapes. | ||
| Or no, wait, this is real rapes. | ||
| And then this is like that part, right? | ||
| And then they're like trying to go like, give me some of that sweet real rape. | ||
| I want some of that real rape. | ||
| Give me some of that attention. | ||
| Trying to get the like... | ||
| You can't group it all together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not the same. | |
| You can't group a comic not kissing his friends on the cheek but kissing you on the cheek. | ||
| But also use your words and tell the person you don't want them to kiss you on the cheek. | ||
| It's not the same as getting molested or raved. | ||
| We all know some people we can hug each other. | ||
| We hug each other. | ||
| Some people I don't hug. | ||
| I don't know them that well. | ||
| I don't hug them. | ||
| But if I hug you it's because I love you. | ||
| That's why I'm hugging you. | ||
| But it's everything's context. | ||
| It's like, I've never felt weird around Joe Rogan, hugs, cool, and then someone holds on too long. | ||
| You're like, yikes. | ||
| Or they squeeze your back or something. | ||
| Yeah, or put it on your lower back or touch your neck or something. | ||
| Oh my god, there's this one girl at the comedy store. | ||
| I don't want to say any distinguishing features because I don't want you to... | ||
| I don't want to... | ||
| I don't like being... | ||
| You can't... | ||
| Right now, you can't just say a little shitty thing someone did because they'll be canceled. | ||
| But here's what I'll say. | ||
| It's like calling the cops on a block. | ||
| You can't do it anymore. | ||
| We're gonna get... | ||
| They're gonna get killed. | ||
| I can't be like, oh, it was so funny when that one comic grabbed my ass. | ||
| You can't say anything like that. | ||
| It's interesting because when I do, I always add context and go, you don't get to decide what my experience with that person was. | ||
| If someone smacked my ass and I thought it was funny, I get to decide that. | ||
| You don't get to decide how it affected me. | ||
| This self-righteous indignation and this forcing me to have the experience you want me to have just so we can get in some adrenaline junkie Twitter fight, you don't get to decide how it affected me. | ||
| So it's like, women, use your voices and speak up. | ||
| But if you say something I don't like... | ||
| So you get blowback because you're slowing the progress of outrage. | ||
| You hit the brakes on outrage because you're like, I'm not outraged. | ||
| You should be outraged. | ||
| We could use you. | ||
| You could be a part of the outrage puddle. | ||
| I'm outraged about a lot of things, but I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm outraged about things that I'm not outraged about. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| You're allowed to have your own interpretation of any experience. | ||
| If you have a bunch of friends and all of you run up and smack each other in the ass when you see each other, Right. | ||
| That's the thing you guys have decided is okay. | ||
| And if you stop liking it, go, I don't like that anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And if someone does it and then you say they don't like it, they should apologize and they should never do it again. | ||
| And you say, I'm sorry. | ||
| I thought we were doing that. | ||
| I'm so sad that like apologies don't work anymore. | ||
| I'm actually doing, I'm doing like a limited series podcast with Bonnie McFarlane about it called Cancel Us Next Tuesday, son. | ||
| So it's cunts. | ||
| Which, by the way, please be on it. | ||
| But we're canceling different things each time. | ||
| I want you to do the cancel romance, because everything's molesting in romance now. | ||
| I was dating a guy who was 30, and he said, can I take off your bra? | ||
| Can I kiss you? | ||
| And I was just like, I don't know, can you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you, bitch? | |
| I think I'm too old to even understand this new dynamic. | ||
| Well, it's also like a teacher, when you're like, can I go to the bathroom? | ||
| They're like, you mean may I? At least say it right. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| I think the new sex sound instead of slurping and suctioning is going to be two body cameras just clinking against each other. | ||
| We all need to record on both sides. | ||
| What the fuck's going on? | ||
| You have to set up a camera in the room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have to illegally film people pretty much. | |
| Everyone has to do porn. | ||
| Listen, next time I punch my cervix with my own hand, there will be cameras everywhere. | ||
| I think that was her sternum. | ||
| I was in Houston like a year and a half ago when I was running like a new hour that a lot of it was about the Me Too stuff, you know, trying to keep it in context. | ||
| Like a lot of this stuff shouldn't be reduced to a tweet or a fucking op-ed or whatever. | ||
| So I was trying to really like dimensionalize it. | ||
| And I'm in Houston and I go on stage and I'm sort of like arguing both sides, which is what comics... | ||
| We play devil's advocate. | ||
| And I said something about like a guy that had smacked my ass in work or something. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, that shouldn't have happened. | ||
| That was sort of my take on it. | ||
| And this woman in the front row just went... | ||
| Girl, take the compliment and move on. | ||
| And I'm just being like, people have different takes on this. | ||
| Some people do. | ||
| But also, that is a little bit true. | ||
| Like, okay, so I've been walking, trying to walk five miles a day, just thinking and going through shit and coming up with ideas. | ||
| And I was walking with, like, my fanny pack. | ||
| I'm sweating. | ||
| I look like shit. | ||
| You guys see, like, the crazy sunglasses I wear. | ||
| Like, the least hot thing in the world. | ||
| And I get this beep from this, like, beat-up Corolla, you know, from, like, the 80s. | ||
| And this guy, like, rolls up and he's just whacking his dick. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| It's barely hard. | ||
| You will not stop bragging on this podcast. | ||
| But I'm saying, you're hot. | ||
| We get it. | ||
| No, even when I'm ugly, I'm hot. | ||
| Men just can't help themselves. | ||
| I had so many, a range of emotions because then he had like a baby seat in the back and I was like, what's going on here? | ||
| But then like, so I was just thinking, I was like, I went through this range of emotions and then I was like, you know, one day I will miss this. | ||
| I do think... | ||
| For real? | ||
| I'll be like... | ||
| I've got good news. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who do that to old ladies, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, thank you! | |
| I'll be hot forever! | ||
| There are times guys have done something like that, like, grab me in a way that ostensibly seems really weird and it hasn't made me feel uncomfortable. | ||
| There are times someone will come to the comedy store, say absolutely nothing, look at me a certain way, and I'm like, something's off about that fucking guy. | ||
| You're banned. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You're off the wall. | ||
| You're allowed to have that. | ||
| And guys are allowed to have that too. | ||
| Like there's some women that you'll be around and you're like, I gotta get the fuck away from this person. | ||
| There's something off about this person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or they'll grab you. | ||
| Or how about Bill Burr's bit that he had in his last special, Paper Tiger, about a comic who's a very prominent feminist comic who slapped him in the dick as he was going onto the stage. | ||
| They were swapping positions and he was going on the stage and she was coming off and she slaps his And all these, there are so many, I'm trying to, like, really, for my next special, work on, like, the way that we're sexist towards men, because it's just, no one talks about that. | ||
| I had that, your Andrew Huberman on my podcast the other day. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| Brilliant neuroscientist who's, like, working on this thing for your eyes and all this stuff, and he comes on, and, like, he's on my podcast, and I'm like, God, you're so hot. | ||
| You're hot. | ||
| And I realized... | ||
| If this was reversed, if a podcast host had a female scientist on and was like, you're hot, you're sexy, you're hot for a scientist, they wouldn't go to jail. | ||
| No, I should be, I'm sure, I honestly, I think under these guidelines, I have raped. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Okay, but here's the difference. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you for interrupting, right when I was going to explain it. | |
| Huberman's a gorilla. | ||
| He's a big dude. | ||
| He's a big 230-pound man. | ||
| He can't say that to you that way. | ||
| If he was the comedian and you were the scientist, it would be threatening to you. | ||
| You're not threatening him by saying he's hot. | ||
| It's just a compliment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so rude. | |
| You don't know what she can manipulate. | ||
| She could really ruin him. | ||
| But it was, you know, because he looks like a neurologist in a Marvel movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| Like he looks like who you would cast in a Marvel movie. | ||
| Like he's going to tear his, like, scientist thing off at the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Literally. | |
| He's got a thick-ass neck. | ||
| He's a big brawny dude. | ||
| He's a guy you would see in a Marvel movie who would play a scientist. | ||
| You'd be like, that's not a fucking scientist. | ||
| I'm getting a lop, guys. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| But there are times where I feel like I get away with shit that a guy would never fucking get away. | ||
| And I'm like, that's not fair. | ||
| But it is fair. | ||
| That's the dynamic, because there's no threat from you. | ||
| That's why you can get away with it. | ||
| If you said something crazy to me, I'd be like, Whitney, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| It would never be like, oh, Jesus, now I have to be scared to be alone with her. | ||
| A woman has to be scared to be alone with a guy. | ||
| But I think what happens, too, is there's the power thing comes into it, too. | ||
| And then you're like, so is it social power, political power, career power? | ||
| Listen, we know. | ||
| We know girls who have forced guys into having sex with them, girls who are in power, who force guys who are working for them to have sex with them. | ||
| Yes, we do. | ||
| We do know them. | ||
| We know them. | ||
| We know them. | ||
| But we don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just preparing to dive under this table at any moment. | |
| We don't have to say any names, but it doesn't mean anything. | ||
| It's Benton, and he's very upset with you, Whitney. | ||
| We don't care, right? | ||
| We don't care. | ||
| But if it was the other way around, it would be a real hard... | ||
| But if they do care, if they do care, I care. | ||
| Like, if they feel victimized by it, I do care. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| I'm for the victim, it's not a gender thing. | ||
| Like, if they do feel like, fuck, I thought I wasn't gonna... | ||
| But here's the thing, if a guy's like, Jesus, I can't believe I'm doing this, this is so disgusting, but I need this job, and he does it, we laugh. | ||
| I would be like, ah! | ||
| You did what? | ||
| No, you didn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| It's funny. | ||
| And I think a lot of people get caught in the sort of logistics of like, well, would you be able to get a boner if you didn't want to do it? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then we're not believing men. | ||
| We're doing the same thing. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It is a legitimate good point. | ||
| It is a good point. | ||
| Can you, as a man, get raped? | ||
| Without getting a boner. | ||
| If it's just mental to drink the cum of whatever animal that was, then it's just mental to not be able to get raped with a boner? | ||
| You can certainly make an argument that if a man gets an erection that he's enjoying it. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| Can a woman force you into doing something and then you start enjoying it so you go along with it? | ||
| But the beginning part was force. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| So is it still okay? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| That's a hard one. | ||
| That would be like an overly aggressive man, too. | ||
| If a woman's saying no, no, no, and then she starts liking it, is that rape? | ||
| Because it kind of is, especially if you've got a good editor. | ||
| It's so hard because four years ago, we know from comics what the hot topics were, and it was fucking Fifty Shades of Grey, where we literally were going, We were going, when we say no, we mean yes. | ||
| That was literally like... | ||
| If you have a helicopter and you're a billionaire. | ||
| Oh, I thought a Honda and a bag of Funyuns? | ||
| No? | ||
| It's another great bit that Burr has, where he goes, no always means no. | ||
| He's like, no, it doesn't. | ||
| Sometimes like, no, stop. | ||
| No, stop. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But on paper, it's not. | ||
| If you look at it in quotes, it's like, okay, that's not cool. | ||
| Do you know about the consent condoms? | ||
| I was working on a bit about this before. | ||
| They have consent condoms? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm allergic to not having fun! | ||
| By the way, I didn't realize until I was like 28, I thought it was a fact that guys could be allergic to latex. | ||
| Oh, that is hilarious. | ||
| No, my balls drop. | ||
| It is real. | ||
| You can be allergic to one. | ||
| Because guys would use that as an excuse to not use a condom. | ||
| You're in the wrong dating pool. | ||
| These guys are all allergic to shit. | ||
| Okay, wait. | ||
| So... | ||
| Consent condoms. | ||
| The condoms are, you have to have four hands on it to open the condom. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Which, by the way, if you're raping, there's probably not a condom involved. | ||
| But the joke I was trying to work on is you have to put all your hands on it like a Ouija board. | ||
| Do you love me? | ||
| And just put it into the trash because nobody's using condoms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Let's make condoms harder to use. | ||
| Let's put another barrier between condoms. | ||
| I don't think I've ever gotten involved in that. | ||
| I'm always just like, you handle that. | ||
| I don't know what's going on. | ||
| But people got mad. | ||
| There was outrage when the condoms came out because they went, that's ableist because if people don't have hands, they can't put their hands on. | ||
| And my point was, if you don't have hands, aren't you just fist fucking anyway? | ||
| Aren't you like wrist fucking them? | ||
| You're like stub fucking? | ||
| We're playing a game of Jeopardy with outrage, just looking for things to be pissed about. | ||
| If you're really so pissed that you need four hands to open up this condom because you only have one hand, or someone out there only has one hand, that's a crazy thing to get upset about. | ||
| Also get a friend. | ||
| They'll lend you a hand. | ||
| Call your mom. | ||
| It's on us to stop taking the outrage seriously. | ||
| We have to just ignore it. | ||
| We have to ignore it. | ||
| It's not that big of a deal. | ||
| But it's a game. | ||
| Find a thing that you can be upset about. | ||
| Find it. | ||
| You don't have to actually be upset. | ||
| I got in trouble, and I'm exaggerating. | ||
| It wasn't that bad, but I said basket case. | ||
| Basket case. | ||
| Basket case. | ||
| Basket case refers to soldiers in World War I that had all of their limbs removed. | ||
| They could fit in a basket. | ||
| They'd call them a basket case. | ||
| I said something where I was like, if you insult yourself, it's a self-deprecating thing. | ||
| I'm saying, I'm crazy. | ||
| I'm a basket case. | ||
| And they're like, you're offending World War I soldiers. | ||
| No, I'm offending myself. | ||
| First of all, they're all dead. | ||
| I think they're fine. | ||
| Remember when Natasha got in trouble? | ||
| Four. | ||
| She was saying something, it was Veterans Day or something, and it was about, she's made some, like, it was like SpaghettiOs or something. | ||
| She's like, yeah, the only thing they can eat or something, that they can eat without teeth or something. | ||
| And it was like, people are like, how dare you? | ||
| And it's like, but they are elderly. | ||
| And it's not, she's just making a joke. | ||
| And then she didn't, she put out an apology that wasn't an apology and was very good. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, we need sports back. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| We need sports. | ||
| I think this is what happens when sports goes away. | ||
| How about this is what happens when everything's gone away? | ||
| This is like the vibration of the country is a different vibration. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This was already happening, though. | |
| It was already happening, but this accentuated it in a big way. | ||
| The vibration's so off. | ||
| Did you read James Altucher, the guy who, he's one of the owners of Stand Up New York. | ||
| Did you read the article that he wrote about New York? | ||
| He's like, New York City is dead forever and it's not coming back. | ||
| And it's fucking terrifying. | ||
| And it's true. | ||
| And it's accurate. | ||
| And I think that's the same with L.A., and I think it's the same with a lot of people. | ||
| And people are on fucking tilt right now. | ||
| So everything makes them upset. | ||
| But Austin's so cool. | ||
| Dude, Austin's dope. | ||
| But do you think that the sort of modern-day coliseum is Twitter? | ||
| Like, we've always had this in us. | ||
| We've always wanted to watch people get torn apart, right? | ||
| No, I think it's a totally new thing. | ||
| It's not just watching people get torn apart. | ||
| It's the ability to participate. | ||
| It's like having stock and taking someone down. | ||
| You're getting addicted to this weird feedback loop that the book Irresistible talks about. | ||
| You're putting something out there and then you're reading the response and you're addicted to how many likes and retweets and shit you get. | ||
| And I think you feel addicted to feeling part of something. | ||
| Like I helped take that person down. | ||
| I was a part of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I'm an activist. | ||
| Oh, activists. | ||
| People have it in their bios now. | ||
| They're like, activists. | ||
| What qualifies you as an activist? | ||
| They complain a lot. | ||
| They complain a lot and they try to get people canceled. | ||
| We used to call that just like you're an obnoxious complainer. | ||
| You're the people like, do you like the environment? | ||
| You're like, oh fuck, of course I like the environment, but I gotta go to Whole Foods. | ||
| Leave me alone. | ||
| Actors don't get any attention anymore. | ||
| They become activists. | ||
| And this is a really common thing with the people that are just pure narcissists. | ||
| You see them supporting these fucking causes. | ||
| But what are your qualifications? | ||
| What qualifies you? | ||
| I just feel like if you want to get the ultimate virtue signaling and the best way to be a good person... | ||
| Because I do believe all of this is a fear of death and people want to live on... | ||
| So they're like, if I do all this good stuff, when I die, all the news will talk about me and they'll celebrate my birthday or whatever. | ||
| And I'll live on forever. | ||
| But if you think about with... | ||
| Oh my god, I'm having an ADD moment. | ||
| What was I talking about? | ||
| ADD? ADD? You were talking about cancel culture? | ||
| Cancel culture. | ||
| Activism. | ||
| Activism. | ||
| The best way to do it is the way that George Michael did it, where he was underground amazing. | ||
| He was giving to these charities. | ||
| He was a silent philanthropist. | ||
| So then, if you really want that attention, which I'm not saying that's what he did, when he died, it came out that he was amazing. | ||
| And it wasn't the glory of being on this earth, everyone being like, wow, that's so amazing that you donated this much. | ||
| When people post their donations, it's so gross. | ||
| He did it for the right reasons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tax write-offs. | |
| He just was... | ||
| I'm not rich enough to understand these things. | ||
| I think people don't understand when you see a celebrity give a huge tax donation, everyone's like, they're so amazing. | ||
| It's also a write-off for them. | ||
| They have to give a certain amount of charity a year. | ||
| I can't wait to learn about this stuff. | ||
| It's just so transparent and gross when you see people trying so hard to get people to think they're virtuous. | ||
| And that's what it is. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| But when you see people do it that you know are pure narcissists, it's offensive. | ||
| But I felt like during Black Lives Matter, I was so conflicted because I did want to... | ||
| I was like, I don't want people to... | ||
| I am like for... | ||
| I want... | ||
| People to have equality, and I do believe there's systematic racism, or systemic, I said it wrong, uneducated. | ||
| Mom and dad, not mad at you anymore, but you did fucking send me to shitty schools. | ||
| No, but I do believe in that, but with the black square, I ended up posting it, and the reason I was so mad at myself is because I'll do the thing, but I always want there to be an element of jokes because I'm a comedian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I realized after I posted it, what I should have done was repost Rachel Dolezal's black square. | ||
| And then it would have had like in the corner. | ||
| And I fucking missed that opportunity. | ||
| But people were like, your virtues. | ||
| And it's like, I just, I don't, I do want to let it be known that I'm willing to like lose followers over. | ||
| But you have to also know what like their motive in doing it. | ||
| It's so clear when someone's doing it. | ||
| When Joan Rivers died, someone posted a thing that was like... | ||
| I'm going to miss Joan Rivers once she saw me perform and told me how amazing I was. | ||
| How are you managing to make this death about you? | ||
| There's nothing grosser than when someone talks about how much someone who died loved them, thought they were awesome. | ||
| Remember when Notre Dame was burning and everyone was posting photos of them at Notre Dame? | ||
| Bragging about, you know, you're just bragging about your chin. | ||
| None of them went in. | ||
| None of them waited in line to go in. | ||
| They were outside like, fuck that line. | ||
| I don't need to see the inside. | ||
| And then as soon as it caught on fire, everyone was like, this was me. | ||
| Well, during the protest, they were getting, people were canceling, like, the people taking selfies with the... | ||
| Well, they were taking selfies and then going home and not actually protesting. | ||
| Because I was at one of the protests. | ||
| And people would come and take a picture and just dart out. | ||
| I was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I told Donnell, I was like, if you need my white body to jump in front of you, because they were showing videos of white girls going in front of black guys when the cops would come over to stand in front of them as a white shield. | ||
| I was like, Donnell, I'll stand in front, I'll use my white body in front of you, but only when the camera's on. | ||
| I just jump in front, get my photo op, and then I'm like, alright. | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| But yeah, I think it's just like a matter of motives and it is so clear when someone's using it to advance their own agenda. | ||
| I think we're all addicted to attention. | ||
| I love attention. | ||
| Social media is the big attention fix and everybody's hooked on it. | ||
| Imagine being on a soap opera and thinking someone wants your take. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine being an actress. | ||
| I think they think it's a career move. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think when you want to support the right candidate or you want to support the right bill. | ||
| Trump had zero celebrities. | ||
| Scott Baio. | ||
| So yeah, zero. | ||
| He had zero. | ||
| He had zero celebrities. | ||
| Kanye eventually. | ||
| Is he coming on? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| The irony that celebrities think they're helping when in reality they're harming, the fact that they didn't go like, oh, this is why people hated Hillary a big part of it. | ||
| Well, look at how, that's why Ricky Gervais is so funny, like calling everyone out at the award ceremonies because they were all, they're all like, fuck Harvey Weinstein, time's up. | ||
| I'm like, your friend from last year? | ||
| Well, how many of them have videos of them thanking him at the Academy Awards? | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| So many people thanking Harvey Weinstein. | ||
| How pissed is he? | ||
| He's so mad. | ||
| He's like, you fucking assholes. | ||
| But he probably was like, I never saw this coming. | ||
| And who would have ever thought that I could get taken down with all those videos of all those people. | ||
| Meryl Streep saying how amazing I am. | ||
| All these people saying how amazing he is. | ||
| Still got taken down. | ||
| Remember how crazy that was? | ||
| I remember being at the Comedy Store when Ricky Gervais was doing that and I posted, oh, everyone's mad at Ricky Gervais, which probably means he told some jokes. | ||
| Like I tweeted that or something. | ||
| Ben Shapiro was tweeting it. | ||
| Candace Owens was. | ||
| All of a sudden I was alt-right because I was defending jokes. | ||
| He knows about this. | ||
| Why are you alt-right if you're pro-comedy? | ||
| Because they're not being real. | ||
| They're not being honest. | ||
| They just want to box you into a corner and label you and then play this game to see how many people retweet it and where it goes and whether they can get you canceled. | ||
| No one wants nuance. | ||
| Well, no one. | ||
| I don't want it then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm generalizing. | |
| Same thing. | ||
| But that's a lot of what it is. | ||
| They just look at you as a target. | ||
| I read somewhere that 22% of people are on Twitter, and of that, 2% generate 80% of the comments. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's also such a small group. | ||
| And they're all mentally ill. | ||
| There's a lot of them are mentally ill. | ||
| Legitimately mentally ill. | ||
| Depressed, anxious, fucked up, checking their shit constantly. | ||
| Addicted to adrenaline. | ||
| Literally on their bios it'll say, proud mental health advocate. | ||
| I always get someone that is like, you're a busted whore, and I always want to go to their page, and it's always like, proud father, and I'm How about when a girl who's so obviously a woman writes that she identifies as her she, and you're like, what? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| If it's a different thing, show me. | ||
| My favorite is they, them. | ||
| You write they, them on your bio. | ||
| I'm your friend. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You're a they. | ||
| It's a... | ||
| I mean, I think that we have to stop taking cancel calls. | ||
| Like, we have to stop giving it airtime. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| We have to stop... | ||
| We can tell jokes. | ||
| Marina Franklin... | ||
| Mocking it is what's important. | ||
| Yeah, no, I'm not talking about it like this, but I mean, I just like... | ||
| When everyone's like, we can't do jokes. | ||
| Yes, you can. | ||
| Fucking do them. | ||
| Just keep doing them. | ||
| Marina Franklin has a joke that I don't... | ||
| I'm going to butcher it, but it's something along... | ||
| Do you know her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I love her. | |
| Yeah, she's so funny. | ||
| Okay, so she goes... | ||
| She goes, I can't use people's correct pronouns because then I just sound like a slave. | ||
| If I'm like, they, that... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But when you get into a comedy club and start telling jokes, people want to laugh. | ||
| Other comics might not want to. | ||
| Journalists might not want to. | ||
| Justice warriors might not want to. | ||
| But the average person is not on Twitter every day attacking comedians. | ||
| People are trying to be offended. | ||
| That's what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| It's not that they're actually offended. | ||
| They're trying to be offended and it becomes a game. | ||
| Find things that are targets. | ||
| Is it actually offending you? | ||
| Is that what you're talking about? | ||
| Or have you found a valid target and now you're just going after it? | ||
| Because this is the game. | ||
| You sank my battleship. | ||
| They're playing a little weird game. | ||
| Makes them feel important or something. | ||
| And then the most annoying fucking thing I get is whenever I laugh at an offensive joke and someone goes, you're enabling. | ||
| Like, oh, so I'm the problem? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But you also got to realize, like, even invalid criticism, it's still valid. | ||
| Like, to that dummy, that's like a valid piece of criticism. | ||
| Like, we can't silence them either. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because the whole thing is mocking them, right? | ||
| Like, mock it so you expose it for what you really think it is. | ||
| But they have to be able to do that, too, so we can figure out where the line really is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is what a lot of people that are really super liberal don't understand, why they think it's a good idea to silence and de-platform conservative people. | ||
| It's a terrible idea, because then you don't develop the proper arguments for what they're developing. | ||
| The way these things are supposed to go is, someone says something like, you're an enabler, and you're like, shut the fuck up, and everybody's like, ah! | ||
| They laugh at you, and then that person looks like a moron, and then someone has a valid piece of criticism, and then the comic kind of looks like a dick, and then you figure out what we actually agree on instead of using buzzwords and using little things that people say to just find a target. | ||
| We both have to exist for us both to exist. | ||
| That's the only way we figure it out, and a lot of those people are going to get out of that, and they're going to be your friend one day. | ||
| Like, you're not better than other people because you think a certain way. | ||
| There's so many people that are like, I'm right, obviously, and you're wrong, obviously. | ||
| And it's like, that's not how things work. | ||
| And with all the canceling, all the Twitter stuff, they're going down this line of which now we've given them with Twitter. | ||
| You're just giving people a transcript of all the shit you've said over the years. | ||
| But it's like, you're expected to have this perfect... | ||
| We're flawed humans. | ||
| That's how we learn. | ||
| That's how we grow. | ||
| It's through adversity. | ||
| We learn. | ||
| We fuck up. | ||
| We fail. | ||
| We get back up. | ||
| And there's no room for that anymore. | ||
| But it's also, here's the thing. | ||
| Why are you spending so much time complaining about other people all day? | ||
| I'll tell you why. | ||
| Because you're not healthy. | ||
| You're not doing smart things. | ||
| If I look at your Twitter timeline and I'm seeing tweets 12 hours a day, You're a crazy person. | ||
| You might not realize you're a crazy person. | ||
| Do you think there'll be a day where we will look back and go, remember when anyone could get on Twitter at any time? | ||
| You think there's going to be like smoking, there's going to be restrictions? | ||
| I think Twitter is going to be like blockbuster video. | ||
| I think we're going to look back. | ||
| Remember when we used to communicate through Twitter? | ||
| Like, oh my god, it was so dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Toxic. | |
| Everybody was so mean. | ||
| We're going to hit some new thing next that's going to allow people to read each other's minds or Elon Musk's Neuralink, which he's talking about, communicating with no words. | ||
| We're going to hit that, and it's going to make this seem like nonsense. | ||
| This is one of the things in that book, Irresistible. | ||
| There's no empathy in these conversations, and that's the big part of the problem. | ||
| It's like you don't see the people. | ||
| You don't feel their pain, so you can say horrible shit to them. | ||
| The vast majority of the way people are communicating, like a lot of people. | ||
| The vast majority of their communication is text messages and tweets, and none of it is person to person. | ||
| These kids are arguing with each other through text because they don't want to look at each other and talk like human beings, but that's the only way you develop and grow as a person. | ||
| Louie did a whole bit on one of the late shows before, obviously, the canceling. | ||
| But where he was talking about that, he's like, you need to see someone's feelings be hurt to realize that your words have a specific type of impact on people. | ||
| And then you decide, oh, I don't want to do that anymore. | ||
| But if you just are shooting these things out and they're going into this void... | ||
| And you get praised from them by other twats who are sitting at home by themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, cancel her! | |
| Why? | ||
| They're so excited about it. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| Like little mobs. | ||
| It's a drug. | ||
| I mean, it is a drug. | ||
| You do feel high. | ||
| And I got to say, it's like the same way when you drive by a car accident. | ||
| You're like, oh, I hope I see a severed body. | ||
| You know, you kind of like want to see some fucking shit. | ||
| Like when I see that someone, you know, they do these like so-and-so is over party, which is so fucked up when you think about it. | ||
| But I'm always like pure adrenaline and I can't help myself. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| A bunch of female comedians who are like... | ||
| Some that would probably say the Comedy Store sucks. | ||
| They did a retirement party for men. | ||
| There was all these comics that aren't past it. | ||
| Actual clubs. | ||
| Female comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they had like a banner and it was like, by men or whatever it was like two years ago. | ||
| I'm like, oh God. | ||
| That sounds like a good use of their time. | ||
| Maybe write some fucking jokes. | ||
| Write some fucking jokes. | ||
| We'll let you in. | ||
| All we want is you to be fun. | ||
| Like, we'll let you in. | ||
| Super funny. | ||
| Annie and I were, you know, bonding a lot over the break about sort of like, you know, No one's been meaner to us in this business than women. | ||
| No one wants to have that uncomfortable conversation. | ||
| It's not men versus women. | ||
| It's bad versus good. | ||
| Good men and good men versus bad women and bad men. | ||
| Again, it's like we live in generalizations. | ||
| We love generalizations and we don't like nuance because it forces us to look at our own ideas. | ||
| Yeah, it's uncomfortable. | ||
| Just because men are... | ||
| If you're doing well in a business and you're not, it doesn't mean the men have some sort of a conspiracy. | ||
| I think it's harder for a woman to be a comic. | ||
| I do. | ||
| And I think it's harder because of society. | ||
| I think it's more difficult to talk about things that are important. | ||
| Like a man can talk about politics. | ||
| It is very difficult for a woman to go on stage to talk about politics. | ||
| Men can talk about sex and they don't look like they're a slut or damaged. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think if you're unattractive, you can. | |
| If you're an unattractive woman- I was going to get to that. | ||
| Christopher Hitchens had a bit in Vanity Fair, wrote a story, Women Aren't Funny. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It was like this really sort of takedown of the kind of comedy that a woman has to do to be funny. | ||
| They have to be butchy or it has to be male kind of comedy. | ||
| I don't necessarily agree with him because I think there's a lot of women that are really funny, but I think it's a harder path. | ||
| I think it's a more narrow keyhole you're shooting through. | ||
| Whereas a guy, I think in general audiences will accept a man telling them what's wrong. | ||
| Whereas I think a lot of men, in particular on dates, do not want to hear a woman, especially an attractive one, Tell the guy in the audience that he's wrong about something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Well, I think women are naturally more empathetic, can tend to be more empathetic just because we're mothers, we're nurturers, we're caregivers. | ||
| And so we're more willing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're not, but okay. | |
| I mean, we're barren and we have to do comedy. | ||
| Whenever, like, Joey said something, he's like, you're smart. | ||
| You're like, you know, you're like one of the guys, like, you fit in with it. | ||
| I'm like, you fit in with me, bitch. | ||
| Like, this is how I am. | ||
| But it's like, fuck, I keep forgetting. | ||
| I've got to stop smoking weed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know that females are more empathetic. | ||
| So we're more willing to listen to a guy talk about his day jerking off or anything like one of those things that maybe we wouldn't have the experience of having as a woman, but guys are less interested in hearing about our Wasn't one of the points that Hitchens was making that we're wired to worry about women if they hurt themselves? | ||
| And so much of comedy is talking about, I hurt myself, I made this mistake, you know, that it's sort of like we're wired to be protective of them, so it's not funny. | ||
| Like, if a man slips on a banana peel, it's funny. | ||
| If a woman slips on a banana peel, it's like, are you okay? | ||
| I don't think there's any one factor. | ||
| I think there's a bunch of factors, but I think that's it, too. | ||
| I think that factors in, too. | ||
| But I think the big one is men don't want to hear women talking about things like opinions on politics or opinions on money or opinions on... | ||
| They get mad. | ||
| A lot of guys are like... | ||
| They'll get that thing, especially young guys and young guys on dates that want to look like a cool guy and some girl saying something like, here's the fucking problem with men. | ||
| Like, this bitch. | ||
| If you don't vote for Biden, you ain't black. | ||
| Whatever they want to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was fucking wild. | |
| Charlamagne was like, I'm trying to help. | ||
| Yeah, Charlamagne was like, damn. | ||
| I love Charlamagne. | ||
| I do too, but it had to be in his head. | ||
| He had to be like, damn, that's a good clip right there. | ||
| Bam, 10 million hits. | ||
| That's going to do very well. | ||
| Bad for America, possibly? | ||
| Good for me. | ||
| I don't know if it's bad for America. | ||
| We'll see. | ||
| Do you remember a time when we were doing stand-up and people would intro us as, so are you guys ready for a lady? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then I'm like, you're going to be really, this is not going to be very ladylike, sorry. | ||
| Which is their way of saying, if you guys need to go to the bathroom or fill your meter, now's the time. | ||
| That was what we talked about the other night, the word comedian. | ||
| That used to be a word. | ||
| I get that a lot. | ||
| People say it, and it's ironic because it's like the New York Times and really fancy journalists will say comedian. | ||
| And I'm like, are you supposed to be the most wokest of the woke and progressive? | ||
| Is that supposed to be sophisticated? | ||
| A lot of people don't even like actress anymore. | ||
| They just say actor. | ||
| I'm an actor. | ||
| Yeah, because a female can be an actress. | ||
| They prefer activist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I actually don't mind being treated like an under... | ||
| Because it's an opportunity to make a joke. | ||
| Yeah, always. | ||
| Always. | ||
| I was saying before, sometimes Galerian will... | ||
| Jason Galerian is a comic. | ||
| He'll bring me on and be like, this sexy. | ||
| This next sexy. | ||
| And I'm always like, ew. | ||
| But instead of getting offended, I just go on stage and I always go... | ||
| When we were out in the parking lot one night, he said, if my wife were dead, I'd fuck the shit out of me. | ||
| And I was like, if I was dead, possibly you could fuck the shit out of me. | ||
| And it always gets a laugh. | ||
| It makes it less uncomfortable. | ||
| It's like, our job is to like... | ||
| Make fun. | ||
| Yeah, like, of a weird situation. | ||
| Like, not go, like, I'm deeply, like, why would I be offended? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| And it's fun to come on in a hole sometimes and dig out. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's definitely some way to break the ice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's also, like, you know, I remember when I first started and I was like, you know, I look back and I'm like, people are like, women aren't funny and women aren't funny. | ||
| I was like, I wasn't funny when I started. | ||
| No one's funny when they fucking start. | ||
| I was so funny when I started. | ||
| I remember being so offended when people like women aren't funny and you know I couldn't get stage time because I didn't deserve stage time. | ||
| There's a lot of guys that are not funny too. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It's not isolated to any gender and there's a lot of women that aren't funny and that's that's why the whole thing is so offensive because it's to the people that have already gotten through and become professional comics and they know what the real deal is the real deal is you like everybody who's funny yeah That's the real deal. | ||
| The real deal is everybody is kind of really cool to each other that are really funny. | ||
| And you make fun. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's just so fun. | ||
| Whether it's Michelle Wolf or whoever is a killer. | ||
| Fortune Femster. | ||
| They're only curly-haired women. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| That's what I think of when I think of funny. | ||
| Nobody had a carrot top. | ||
| All those people are just accepted because they're funny. | ||
| Nobody pays money, drives out to a comedy show, gets a date, pays a two-drink minimum, and then wants to intentionally not laugh at someone. | ||
| Nobody does that. | ||
| They want you to win. | ||
| But I think a lot of guys have a hard time with women being in control. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I know a lot of guys. | ||
| I'm like, she's hilarious. | ||
| I don't know if she fucking talks about this too much. | ||
| I feel like there's no off limits. | ||
| It's just funny. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| You can talk about anything. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| You remember, there used to be male political comedians like Will Durst. | ||
| His whole act would be political. | ||
| Or Randy Credico. | ||
| The whole act was political. | ||
| Jimmy Tingle was very political. | ||
| There's never a woman comic like that. | ||
| No, there's talk shows like Samantha Bee or like... | ||
| I remember when they were first running the ad campaign for the show coming out, they still were doing things where it was like, they had her have these big balls or something. | ||
| They were playing so much on the gender thing where it's almost like Just do the show and don't... | ||
| Which, by the way, do whatever you want. | ||
| Obviously, she has a successful show. | ||
| But it's like, let's just be women doing a thing and not have to talk about the fact that we're women doing a thing. | ||
| Start reminding them all the time. | ||
| Well, when you're a woman and you're in a position of power like that, you kind of have to be the one who takes control. | ||
| And if there's an issue that needs to be discussed, you kind of have to call it out on your show. | ||
| It's not like if a guy is doing a show like Jimmy Fallon. | ||
| Jimmy Tingle. | ||
| Jimmy Fallon. | ||
| You've got to stop saying Tingle. | ||
| It's such a silly name. | ||
| No, but that's the silliest name I've ever heard. | ||
| I feel uncomfortable. | ||
| He's one of those guys from Boston when I first started who was a brilliant, brilliant comedian. | ||
| But anyway, a male comic doesn't feel like they have to defend men. | ||
| Like if another male comic is getting shit on, they don't feel like they have to jump into the fray. | ||
| Hey, us guys have to stick together. | ||
| But women do. | ||
| I don't think, I don't, I feel like, but I feel like it's like fun. | ||
| I don't have the parts. | ||
| I don't have tits and I don't have eggs. | ||
| Should you be allowed to say baron with Barron Trump around? | ||
| Is that offensive to Trump's kid? | ||
| Like for real. | ||
| That's so interesting. | ||
| Like imagine, like if it becomes a word that like, hey, you know, that's not cool. | ||
| You can no longer say that. | ||
| I feel like that's the least of his problems. | ||
| Just say infertile. | ||
| You have other words. | ||
| Use the right ones. | ||
| Use the very long ones that take much longer. | ||
| Oh, are we going to ask Joe about our proposition for your eggs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Well, I was telling her, you two are the ones that have made me freak out the most about whether I can have kids or not. | ||
| So do you want to go halfsies on freezing her eggs? | ||
| You want to freeze your eggs? | ||
| Well, you both were like, if you're going to have kids, you better have them soon. | ||
| She was like, freeze your eggs today. | ||
| I was like, can I borrow money for the Uber at least? | ||
| There's no more Uber in LA as of today. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They shut Uber and Lyft down. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Because of COVID, there's nothing to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They're not making any money? | ||
| Because the regulations, the state government wants to put on people. | ||
| They want them all to be employees. | ||
| But they're using the COVID as the... | ||
| No, they're not using COVID as it. | ||
| They just passed it and Uber and Lyft are both pulling out of California, which is going to mean how many people are going to have to drive drunk now? | ||
| How many people are not going to have jobs? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| How many people who are barely getting by anyway? | ||
| All of a sudden, the carpet got pulled out from under them. | ||
| There's a lot of people that at least are doing Uber and they're driving people around. | ||
| How many comments are going to lose all of their setups now that they don't have Uber drivers to talk about? | ||
| I mean, we only can hope that they come to their senses and realize how crazy this is in this time to take any job away. | ||
| But I think the problem is some people want it because they want health insurance and they want all sorts of protections as an employee, but it's a gig. | ||
| That's what they call it, like gig employment, right? | ||
| It's not a job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not a career. | |
| It's just a gig. | ||
| And you can make a lot of money doing it part time. | ||
| And they're like, no, fuck you. | ||
| You're making a lot of money. | ||
| They're not making as much money. | ||
| You need to give them some of that money. | ||
| They need to be employees. | ||
| I get the argument. | ||
| Isn't Airbnb not allowed to because of COVID? Right now? | ||
| No, I don't think that's true, because I know people have used Airbnb. | ||
| Okay, because I was going to say, it's like everyone's side gigs are fucked. | ||
| You spray things and shit. | ||
| But I bet they're hurting, though. | ||
| I bet a lot of people don't want to do it. | ||
| But the thing about the Uber and the Lyft thing, it's like, I see both ways, because it's like, how much money do they make off that app? | ||
| And how do they divvy that shit up? | ||
| I see a lot of those drivers in Teslas, and I'm like, you must be making some money. | ||
| Maybe that's just the person who wants a Tesla and says, if I just work 10 hours a day, I can afford a Tesla. | ||
| But the thing is, the Uber people and the people that own the company, how much are they making by just having an app? | ||
| Yeah, and I think they're not good. | ||
| I don't think they give a great percentage to them. | ||
| I started not liking Uber when the drivers could rate you back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They can rate you back? | |
| They can rate you back. | ||
| Oh, that's weird. | ||
| And I would just get in the Uber sometimes and say nothing. | ||
| I'd be going to the comedy store working on my act. | ||
| And sometimes people do want to chat and I'm just really quiet. | ||
| And then I would get like four stars. | ||
| Maybe they didn't like your special. | ||
| Trust me, if I talk, it's going to be much worse. | ||
| Does Lyft do the same thing? | ||
| I would only have done Uber, but does Lyft have it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I got kicked off of Lyft because I was... | ||
| The driver almost ran my foot over once and I left a message on his answering machine like, I hope you rot in fucking hell. | ||
| And then they said I abused him. | ||
| And then they asked why and I just went, honestly, I'm PMSing. | ||
| And that wasn't a good... | ||
| I was like, honestly, he almost hurt me and I'm on my period and I'm really mad. | ||
| Weren't they trying to change what PMS is called because it was offensive? | ||
| It's mean to nighttime. | ||
| It wasn't a post-menstrual dysmorphia? | ||
| Aren't they calling it that now? | ||
| Dysmorphia? | ||
| Body dysmorphia. | ||
| They were trying to put tampons in the men's bathroom at Yale because they said sometimes men menstruate. | ||
| I think the last time I was on this podcast we talked about this. | ||
| It's adorable. | ||
| Sometimes women don't. | ||
| Do you know what the weird thing is though? | ||
| It's not like being anti-trans. | ||
| You're not allowed to talk about it at all unless you're completely on the side of I don't even want to say it. | ||
| I don't want to talk about it. | ||
| You can't just go like, I'm standing outside of this situation and this side is saying this and this side is saying that. | ||
| You can't because then they're like, you're transphobic or something. | ||
| Here's what you can say. | ||
| We put tampons in the men's room because sometimes trans women use the men's room and they can still get their period. | ||
| That's an accurate way of saying that. | ||
| That's a real way. | ||
| You can say that. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| Is that me? | ||
| It's not me. | ||
| It's not me. | ||
| You're a mess. | ||
| It wasn't me. | ||
| That's you. | ||
| That's me! | ||
| That is always the best. | ||
| She's such a con. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| When someone shits on you for something. | ||
| You're the only two people I talk to. | ||
| I can't imagine who's calling me. | ||
| You're the only two people I talk to. | ||
| It's definitely Esther. | ||
| It's a little Esther being like, you guys are there without me? | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's Tim Dillon being like, fucking talk about me. | ||
| I have a very distinctive ring. | ||
| So if you call me, I know exactly what it is. | ||
| I used to have it on silent. | ||
| I have the T-Rex roar. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when someone calls me, it roars. | ||
| Dude, when are we ever going to see you again, Joe? | ||
| I'm actually starting to get sad. | ||
| No, it's disgusting. | ||
| Come visit. | ||
| I'll come back. | ||
| I only fly private now since I did this podcast twice. | ||
| This is my second rogue and now I fly private. | ||
| But my favorite part of Austin is it has the largest population of bats in North America. | ||
| Oh good, great. | ||
| The thing that gave us Corona. | ||
| Don't eat any of them. | ||
| No, not Chinese people. | ||
| Bats. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| That's so racist. | ||
| It's scientists. | ||
| They're under a bridge and every night they fly out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did I say people? | |
| I meant scientists. | ||
| Cancel science. | ||
| Cancel science. | ||
| I meant Chinese scientists. | ||
| Have you seen them fly out from under that bridge? | ||
| Yeah, it's wild. | ||
| Yeah, at dusk. | ||
| So cool. | ||
| Yeah, it's really cool. | ||
| As soon as it starts turning dark out, they fly out. | ||
| I mean, millions of them. | ||
| Yeah, I went kayaking. | ||
| It's the largest in North America. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| What's the festival that's so fun that's in Austin? | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Moon Tower? | ||
| Moon Tower. | ||
| But isn't Austin the only city that still operates Moon Towers? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I believe it is. | ||
| I never want to... | ||
| I've never done any of those. | ||
| Yeah, those are good. | ||
| And the Austin City Limits is another one. | ||
| It also has the only nude beach in Texas. | ||
| I do know that. | ||
| I've done Austin City Limits. | ||
| I've done that theater. | ||
| The big theater there. | ||
| What is the theater there? | ||
| Paramount. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Is that the one you can drink? | ||
| You can... | ||
| I don't know, but it's beautiful. | ||
| It's gorgeous inside. | ||
| Is that at the Paramount Theater in Austin? | ||
| It's so... | ||
| Moonlight Towers, Austin is... | ||
| Only known surviving moonlight towers in the world. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| They go on at night and it creates light. | ||
| As if it was the moon. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| I don't like seeing only known surviving and then there's a picture of Brody. | ||
| I hate that and a gun under it. | ||
| It's like, fuck! | ||
| I got my Brody pin, by the way. | ||
| Rock pins. | ||
| Have you been to Austin before? | ||
| Yeah, I did the moon tower. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah, they let me do festivals sometimes. | ||
| We're gonna come. | ||
| We're gonna come let Joe hunt us. | ||
| It's so fun, yeah. | ||
| Come visit. | ||
| Well, we're gonna take over your studio for our podcast Trauma Bonding. | ||
| Trauma Bonding. | ||
| Well, no, you already have one with Bonnie. | ||
| Now I'm jealous. | ||
| Well, you're gonna be on it, and we're just doing six. | ||
| It's a limited series. | ||
| Do you think Bonnie's gonna try to put a wedge between you two? | ||
| No, Bonnie's gonna love it. | ||
| Bonnie's the coolest. | ||
| She's such a beast. | ||
| I talk to Bonnie every day. | ||
| We laugh. | ||
| She's the fucking quickest, funniest bitch in the world. | ||
| And her movie is a great example of what we're talking about. | ||
| Women aren't funny. | ||
| It's a fucking awesome documentary. | ||
| When she dressed up like a guy and went on stage, she looked like Rafi. | ||
| Who were we talking about the other day? | ||
| A little bit, yeah. | ||
| Something that made me laugh so hard in that documentary is when she was like, well, there are some women that aren't funny. | ||
| And because there's less of us, you can make a sort of stereotype based on one person. | ||
| So she's like, we don't need to get more women in comedy. | ||
| We just have to ask the people that suck to quit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So she called up a bunch of female comics and she was like, hey, can you stop doing stand-up? | ||
| It's ruining it for the rest of you. | ||
| You know what my feelings are? | ||
| It's not the people that suck. | ||
| It's the people that aren't that good. | ||
| Those are the dangerous ones. | ||
| It's not the ones that suck. | ||
| Because the ones that suck, everybody knows they suck. | ||
| It just kind of never happens. | ||
| It's the ones that are just fucking shaky. | ||
| Their premises are kind of okay. | ||
| Their delivery's kind of alright. | ||
| They get some laughs, but they don't get enough. | ||
| And then they're angry. | ||
| Those are the ones outside the walled garden. | ||
| I think it's male comic's fault. | ||
| That? | ||
| Because if you think about the best pickup line for a male comic to hit on a female comic is you're funny. | ||
| That was really funny. | ||
| Yeah, you're really funny. | ||
| Yeah, like you're funny. | ||
| And then girls are like, I am! | ||
| It totally worked on me so many times. | ||
| See, to me, I feel like if someone says you're funny, you're not funny. | ||
| If you just come off stage and someone says nothing, that means you're funny. | ||
| I mean, look, if someone thinks you're funny, if they say it, it should register. | ||
| The problem is you've got that male-female dynamic. | ||
| So it's like, he's trying to fuck me? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Well, that's why I like that you find me disgusting and you're putting your tits away, you nasty bitch. | ||
| So that's why when you tell me I'm funny, I'm like, okay. | ||
| I had to say that in the moment. | ||
| There's something amazing about comedy that does kind of neuter us. | ||
| I don't feel sexual energy around comics. | ||
| No offense. | ||
| But there's just something, it just feels very fraternal. | ||
| I never feel sexual around it. | ||
| It's what we were talking about at the comedy store the other night when we were doing the thing. | ||
| It's like, there's not that many of us. | ||
| There might be a thousand of us on the planet at a time. | ||
| 7 billion people. | ||
| After this, maybe way less. | ||
| I mean, after this pandemic. | ||
| Yeah, legitimate. | ||
| Well, they can't drive Lyft anymore. | ||
| They've got to go home. | ||
| I mean, I feel like we're going to come back and half the comics are going to have to have moved home. | ||
| I'm going to get such sweet spots at the Comedy Store now. | ||
| I'm like, oh! | ||
| You will. | ||
| The question is how many clubs are going to be open. | ||
| The Comedy Store is going to stay open. | ||
| But how many clubs will be? | ||
| There's gonna be a lot to go under. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Like maybe half of them in the country. | ||
| A lot of what I was hearing was I kept booking dates and canceling and booking and canceling. | ||
| Remember during that time when it was just chaos? | ||
| We didn't want to just surrender to what the fuck was happening. | ||
| But a lot of clubs wanted us to book knowing we were gonna have to cancel just so they could get some income. | ||
| And then they weren't gonna refund. | ||
| They were just gonna give you a credit. | ||
| I paid money to see Joe Rogan knowing he was not going to be able to- Just to keep the lights on? | ||
| Just to keep the lights on, knowing the show's never going to happen, and then you get a credit to my club when Joe cancels. | ||
| Well, if Ben Glebe had become a president, we would have been- Bailed out of all the clubs. | ||
| I like how you say a president. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If Ben Glebe had become a president, that's how out of touch you are with politics. | |
| She's like, how many of them are there? | ||
| Female comics doing politics! | ||
| If Ben Glebe had become a president. | ||
| It's just so weird because a lot of these clubs are barely functioning without a pandemic. | ||
| Oh yeah, like Laugh Factory and maybe some of the smaller outside clubs like Ha Ha or Ice House. | ||
| Why did the Comedy Connection close in Boston all those years back? | ||
| Well, they opened up the Wilbur Theater. | ||
| Oh, it was the same. | ||
| Yeah, when Bill Blumenwright started doing shows at the Wilbur, the Wilbur's like, what, 1,200, 1,300 people? | ||
| So he started getting literally like a good headliner who would sell out Faneuil Hall, which is like 500 people or 400 people. | ||
| You could actually, with his mail list and the fact that comedy's so popular in Boston, he could sell out the Wilbur. | ||
| I just remember, like, the Comedy Store OR is my favorite room in the world. | ||
| Yeah, it's the best room. | ||
| The comedy connection, that room. | ||
| The Faneuil Hall one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was amazing. | |
| The way that it was wide. | ||
| It was shallow and kind of wide with low ceilings. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to get Ari Shaffir so high that he couldn't remember what he talked about. | ||
| And then I'd send him on stage, and he was like, I'm too hot. | ||
| That's so mean. | ||
| No, no, no, it was fine. | ||
| He goes, I shouldn't get too hot. | ||
| I go, dude, you can't get fired. | ||
| You literally can't get fired. | ||
| I'm like, you work for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know you're funny. | |
| Let's go have fun, man. | ||
| Let's just go out there and get crazy. | ||
| And then he goes, you can drug your friends. | ||
| Well, that was later. | ||
| I did not approve. | ||
| I was not a part of that. | ||
| Ari came to my house like a year ago and was like, I need to talk to you. | ||
| And I was like, oh shit, this is probably not going to go well, but this is a prank waiting to happen. | ||
| I'm going to get dosed or something. | ||
| And he came over and he took me on a hike and he was like, basically like, this is an intervention. | ||
| You need to go get lost somewhere. | ||
| Like, I want you to go to Peru for two months without a cell phone or something. | ||
| And I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| He goes, but keep tweeting controversial things. | ||
| But Kobe's a rapist. | ||
| Yeah, Ari, you need an intervention. | ||
| Yeah, you need to get the fuck off Twitter, homie. | ||
| No, but and then the fucking pandemic happened. | ||
| I was like, I should have fucking done that. | ||
| Yeah, but then you'd be stuck in Thailand or something waiting to come home. | ||
| A lot of people got stuck in other countries. | ||
| Why don't you get lost in your fucking field of... | ||
| He said it because he did it himself and he had a great benefit from doing it. | ||
| And he's right on a lot of that stuff. | ||
| That's just because he was off Twitter for a couple months. | ||
| That too. | ||
| But there's a real benefit for that. | ||
| One of the first comments when I posted that book, he was like, I'll accept your apology. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| Are you going to change your cell phone habits now that you read that book? | ||
| I already have. | ||
| Well, you know that I put on my phone, because of you, I have a folder called Addict at the very end with my social media, but now I just scroll seven times to get to it. | ||
| You know what I do when I'm healthy? | ||
| I delete all of the apps so then you have to re-download them, and it's just this extra step that's annoying. | ||
| However, what I realized is... | ||
| I'll just normalize to the extra step, though. | ||
| Do you know what I realized? | ||
| I just kept... | ||
| I would... | ||
| Pick my phone up and I would just tap. | ||
| Like, I'm so addicted to just tapping. | ||
| And it would start downloading. | ||
| And then immediately it would download. | ||
| You know what someone was telling me? | ||
| This was a real doctor. | ||
| Huberman said that people, when they come out of surgery, the first thing they do when they come out of anesthesia is they grab their genitals. | ||
| It's just like a subconscious thing. | ||
| Make sure it's still there? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| But now, they reach for their phone. | ||
| Oh my God, it's better than your dick. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's going to be a part of your body. | ||
| It's just a matter of time. | ||
| We're so attached to those goddamn things. | ||
| If Elon Musk really follows through with his Neuralink thing and they cut a hole in people's head the size of a quarter and stick a bunch of wires into your brain, which is literally what he said they were going to do, and you have some Bluetooth-enabled... | ||
| Like, people worry about vaccines, like, hello! | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| What he was saying is it's going to be a massive advantage for people that have it. | ||
| You're going to have much more access to information. | ||
| The bandwidth in which you process information will be much thicker and wider. | ||
| Annie will be able to remember her thoughts. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So embarrassing. | ||
| Twice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Twice. | |
| One day? | ||
| But you know what it is? | ||
| It's like we're... | ||
| Because there's three of us. | ||
| We all have shit to say. | ||
| I'm so excited. | ||
| Everyone always thinks people are on Adderall or Coke on your show because it's like so exciting. | ||
| It's the irony because you have three hours. | ||
| Slow down. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| I know, but it gets you the energy. | ||
| We're having a fun conversation. | ||
| It's like, I got something to say. | ||
| You don't know when you jump in. | ||
| We're like puppies that get to play together. | ||
| It probably is. | ||
| Let me do my Joey Diaz impression. | ||
| Hey, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I like that he calls you Joe Rogan. | ||
| So if today someone said schools can open up, clubs can open up, venues can open up, we can go back to normal if you wear this bracelet that tells me where you are at all times, where you were last night, and who you hung out with. | ||
| This is the problem with it. | ||
| The same problem with shutting down the TikTok house. | ||
| It's because, okay, you shut down a house that has 200 people. | ||
| What if it gets down to five? | ||
| What if they tell you you have to split your family up? | ||
| What if you have 10 people in your house? | ||
| You can't have more than 10. | ||
| What if grandma comes over? | ||
| Can't come over? | ||
| Who the fuck? | ||
| What the fuck are they to tell you you can't have a party? | ||
| You have mismanaged this crisis so horribly at every step of the way and not just the city and not just the state, the federal government and of course the people that were releasing the information from Wuhan. | ||
| That's the big step because they're the ones who fucked it up because there was a lot of legit doctors and scientists that were in Wuhan, Chinese doctors that were trying to get the word out and they were silenced and the main one, the first one that did it actually wind up dying from the fucking disease. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| That's the biggest fuck-up. | ||
| But there's fuck-ups every step of the way. | ||
| One of the biggest fuck-ups that's happening right now is these people being in a position of power and telling people they can't work, telling people they can't do things. | ||
| But you can protest. | ||
| You saw the governors got shut down, right? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I did see that. | ||
| Tim Dillam was supposed to be there. | ||
| Governors in Long Island, the comedy club. | ||
| You can't have a person, just because they win a popularity contest, make new rules. | ||
| You can't give them the power to make new rules. | ||
| Because everybody becomes a fucking tyrant. | ||
| And that's what they're doing. | ||
| All they're doing is to protect people. | ||
| You tell me how many fucking hospital beds you have. | ||
| You tell me what the death rate is. | ||
| And then you tell me why this is the only state in the country that can't open a beauty salon. | ||
| Beauty salons can't be open right now. | ||
| Only California. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| It's a crazy state. | ||
| And they opened them for a second and then took it away. | ||
| Maybe it's because we don't pay enough taxes. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I never pay taxes. | ||
| This is a tipping point. | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| People are going to wake the fuck up. | ||
| No, it's fine. | ||
| I said I never pay taxes. | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| If you don't say it on a podcast, nobody knows. | ||
| Let's just say on paper, me and Wesley Snipes have a lot in common. | ||
| Dude, they don't fuck around. | ||
| They find you. | ||
| No, I'm having my... | ||
| Well, I'm not talking about this, actually. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| But this state is just... | ||
| They're terrible at it. | ||
| And the fact that they can shut down these TikTokers, we should be nervous. | ||
| Not because these TikTokers are geniuses, but it's because who the fuck are you to say you can shut the power off? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You can shut someone's power off? | ||
| It's a slippery slope. | ||
| They're taking their ability to use their phone. | ||
| They're like, your phone's going to die and then you're fucked. | ||
| They're shutting the lights off in the house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what they're doing. | |
| They're cutting off the water. | ||
| But if you do that, you're saying that you have the ability to shut off essentials, things that keep people alive, water and power. | ||
| You're saying that you have the ability to tell them how they can live in this house. | ||
| And there's no real law that says you can limit the amount of people that can go to a party. | ||
| I don't think there is. | ||
| I'll tell you where this does not happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there? | |
| Texas. | ||
| No. | ||
| My mom is from Texas. | ||
| Yeah, you do not get to tell people from Texas what to fucking do. | ||
| Except don't smoke weed. | ||
| Yeah, except weed. | ||
| What are we going to do about that? | ||
| We'll figure it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's occupancy laws. | |
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Occupancy laws and shit like that, like the amount of people that can be inside of a place. | |
| But you can't change them, can you? | ||
| Can you make it a house? | ||
| Like if a house normally has a party, like Dan Bilzerian's place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like if you're in college and you have too many people at your house, they'll come and shut it down. | |
| Right, but that's the cops and that's not your house. | ||
| You went to college, Jamie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They probably don't own the house either. | |
| They're probably renting it. | ||
| They don't have $10 million to buy those houses yet. | ||
| Well, if the people who own the house have some sort of a regulation, maybe I could see it. | ||
| But if you, like, Dan Bilzerian didn't own that house either. | ||
| And the whole thing about that house, it would piss off the neighbors, was because he would just bus in people, and they'd fill that place up, and DJs and marshmallows there and shit, and everybody's going crazy. | ||
| But they didn't shut his power off. | ||
| So they're saying they have the ability to shut your power and water off because during the pandemic they can limit the amount of people in your house. | ||
| So that's a new rule. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because if they were having these occupancy laws, Dan Bolzerian would have gotten shut down too. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They're doing it because they're saying you could spread COVID this way and it's irresponsible. | ||
| The problem is the way that they're doing something new. | ||
| They're shutting power off on someone's house that doesn't listen. | ||
| They're shutting power off on someone who's having a party who doesn't obey. | ||
| But didn't they have COVID? And they're doing it for press to kind of let people know what's up. | ||
| It's like a threat. | ||
| And this is the same fucking guy that offered rewards for people who turn folks in. | ||
| Remember the whole thing, snitches get stitches? | ||
| Well, now snitches get rewards. | ||
| If people aren't social distancing, if people are having parties, and that was for small parties, remember? | ||
| That was for people having fucking barbecues. | ||
| This shit is slippery. | ||
| Do you think I'm going to get... | ||
| Because I'm starting a stand-up show in my backyard just for comics. | ||
| We're going to do testing like what Chappelle's doing in Ohio I'm going to do in my backyard because it's just getting crazy. | ||
| Am I going to get shut down? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But you're going to let everybody know where you live. | ||
| It's basically going to be like a bringer show. | ||
| It's going to be like a comic bringing two friends that you trust and know. | ||
| So guys, if you join my Patreon, I'll do a raffle. | ||
| We might shoot some shit. | ||
| We might try to shoot some stuff. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| I just wonder, what is the law? | ||
| See if we can find out if there's any written thing. | ||
| How many people can I have? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, like what is the law now in LA? If these TikTokers have too many people. | ||
| But they probably have a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not going to have that many. | |
| I'm going to have like five comics. | ||
| Because when I started... | ||
| I think you should just be arrested if that's a law. | ||
| I think you should be fined or something. | ||
| I don't think you should be able to shut someone's fucking power and water off. | ||
| I'd rather you just fine me. | ||
| Great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Bye. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If these TikTokers are like, hey, you guys are violating the law, so here's a fine of $200. | ||
| Things make sense if you're fining someone. | ||
| If you park in the wrong place, you can get fined. | ||
| But there's a thing that they're doing that's weird. | ||
| They're shutting power off. | ||
| Ordinance on loud or unruly gatherings known as the Party House Ordinance. | ||
| Hey, Dan Bilzerian, did it ever work on you? | ||
| Officially took place August 15, 2018. They never use it on him. | ||
| The ordinance claims to curb repeat offenders of out-of-control parties of residential neighborhoods with escalating fines and new enforcement from Los Angeles Police Department. | ||
| I don't think that's connected, though. | ||
| Because this is 2018. Is that like a blanket statement? | ||
| New enforcement tools? | ||
| I don't think that's connected to the TikTok house. | ||
| These are all 2018 stories. | ||
| Dude, we were also in a heat wave. | ||
| It was 107. You can't Cut off someone's electricity in 170 feet. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| And we're assuming they're kids and they're allowed to be there. | ||
| How long was that cut off for? | ||
| Okay, here. | ||
| Property owners who skirt building and safety rules or city laws, such as Los Angeles party house ordinance, which was the same law, right, are in violation of COVID-19 public health orders in the city's party house ordinance, which becomes the law in 2018. So they're talking about that law. | ||
| And it said it wasn't clear whether Garcetti's announcement was related to that motion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Okay, what? | ||
| It feels like it's just a little ad hoc. | ||
| It's still... | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They're making it up as they go along. | ||
| It's still sneaky. | ||
| Under the proposal, penalties for large gatherings could include water and power shutoff, permit prohibitions, and having a certificate of occupancy held or revoked for large... | ||
| Close contact, largely maskless gatherings in violation of city emergency orders and county health orders. | ||
| So the city emergency and the county health order, they make an order saying you can't have a large gathering, and if you do, they're going to do a new thing, which is shut your water and power off. | ||
| When do they fucking ever do that unless you're a fugitive? | ||
| You have to have, like, a gun, and you're pointing it out the window to shut your power and water off. | ||
| We're always at risk of fires and now you're making people use candlelight. | ||
| That's not safe. | ||
| I've seen more flames. | ||
| I've seen these kids. | ||
| They don't shower anyway. | ||
| You didn't punish them that much. | ||
| It's a slippery thing if you allow it. | ||
| It's a God complex. | ||
| I think it's stupid that these kids want to have these parties. | ||
| And we were talking about Dr. Malk and all these people that came to him that got sick from one of those parties. | ||
| You can get sick for sure. | ||
| It's a high likelihood that people are going to die. | ||
| If they keep getting sick and they infect someone, it's 0.04% of people who catch COVID die. | ||
| That's what the current standings are. | ||
| So it could lead to a death or two. | ||
| It is possible. | ||
| But I just don't think you should allow people to do that. | ||
| Did you see how Steve Bannon was busted by the mail? | ||
| Did you know that the mail could make arrests? | ||
| The Daily Mail? | ||
| The mail. | ||
| It was the Postal Service. | ||
| They have an arrest department. | ||
| They have a Postal Service police? | ||
| That's who arrested Steve Bannon. | ||
| Not for long. | ||
| Listen, if girls are talking about politics, I have to pee so bad. | ||
| Can you guys keep going? | ||
| I'll pee. | ||
| Okay, we're going to keep going. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Post office arrested Steve Bannon. | ||
| Isn't that cool? | ||
| Let's read it. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| He looks like Javier Bardem. | ||
| I'm going to be Joseph Rogan. | ||
| The U.S. Postal Service is out to deliver justice against former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon. | ||
| It may not come as a shock that Bannon, often described as a grifter, was allegedly caught up in a scheme to defraud... | ||
| Yeah, they have fucking police. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| I hate when they take tweets from people. | ||
| This drives me nuts when journalists take tweets from people. | ||
| I don't know who fucking this person is. | ||
| And then they post their tweet as if it's real journalism. | ||
| That's not journalism. | ||
| And look, they only have 322 likes on the tweet. | ||
| It's not even a popular tweet. | ||
| They're part and parcel of an elite police unit known as the US Postal Inspection Service, USPIS, which has been fighting crime since the mail fraud. | ||
| Probably you and your tax fraud. | ||
| You're going to meet these people soon, Annie. | ||
| You're going to know these people any minute. | ||
| There's 1,200 postal inspectors who carry weapons, make arrests, execute federal search warrants, and serve subpoenas. | ||
| They've even inspired a CBS series, The Inspectors. | ||
| Haven't heard of it. | ||
| Didn't feel like it was that inspired. | ||
| They made 5,759 arrests. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Since... | |
| Put your hands up! | ||
| Since 1872. That's not a lot of arrests. | ||
| That's very few arrests. | ||
| Have you ever been arrested? | ||
| No. | ||
| I got like, you know, when I was in high school, we were bad, but I never got arrested. | ||
| I got like the... | ||
| Once we took a three-foot bong out into the alleyway to smoke for some reason in high school, and then obviously the neighbors were like, the kids are smoking a giant bong in the thing, so the... | ||
| The cops came in. | ||
| I remember we were so high. | ||
| We were trying to hide behind the bong. | ||
| It was so tragic. | ||
| But my one friend who had the weed on him got arrested, but I never got arrested. | ||
| But do you still smoke weed out of bongs or just do joints? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I mean, I don't really smoke that much weed anymore. | ||
| I started again and now I'm remembering why I don't. | ||
| The old early onset. | ||
| I can't remember my phone number when I smoke weed. | ||
| I want to be as alert as possible. | ||
| I like to... | ||
| Be able to pay attention and chime in and stuff. | ||
| I'll smoke out of a bong sometimes. | ||
| I think my throat was getting really fucked up from the vapes. | ||
| I don't like vaping. | ||
| I don't think it gets me high enough. | ||
| Remember when we thought vapes were healthier than cigarettes? | ||
| Remember when we were like, vapes are healthy! | ||
| Oh, you're showing my Patreon? | ||
| I just saw a bong picture. | ||
| I was vaping... | ||
| Huh? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| She asked if she smoked out of a bong. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| I did have a three-foot bong. | ||
| Annie, smoke weed and I want to tase you. | ||
| I had a three-foot... | ||
| I mean, I'm a little bit interested in that. | ||
| I do like attention. | ||
| I like attention, but I also like not peeing myself. | ||
| We're following David Blaine. | ||
| The bar is high. | ||
| What were we just talking about? | ||
| I caught whatever you had. | ||
| The Postal Service. | ||
| The Postal Service can arrest people. | ||
| There's 1,200 people that can arrest people. | ||
| They carry weapons. | ||
| And they arrested him for fraud? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Fraud for raising money for that private border wall, right? | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| It's all wild. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| CBD, Kill Cliff, very good for you. | ||
| Does this give you a little buzz at all or no? | ||
| Just good for pain and stuff? | ||
| Yeah, 25 milligrams CBD. I'm trying to find this picture. | ||
| I have a picture. | ||
| I had a three-foot bong for a second, and for Mother's Day one year, I dressed it up like it was a boy. | ||
| I put a hat on it, and I was sending my son to school. | ||
| I put a little backpack on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is delicious. | |
| I fucking love Instagram, by the way. | ||
| Good stuff, right? | ||
| Kill Cliff. | ||
| Do you think that Instagram is going to be replaced by Reels? | ||
| Well, Reels is Instagram. | ||
| Instagram, but I mean, it's like, at one point, because now your algorithm, like, you have to get a certain number of likes and comments in order to get in the algorithm at all, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Which is harder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a TikTok on it. | |
| Instagram just robs. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's like what it did with Snapchat, too. | ||
| Instagram did stories when Snapchat kind of went away, right? | ||
| I haven't started doing the reels yet, but I'm excited. | ||
| I love having this outlet, especially during this time where we can't do stand-up. | ||
| I love Instagram. | ||
| And a lot of comics just promote or put their dog in there. | ||
| Books we read and a song they're listening to. | ||
| What? | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love when you see a movie and you post it. | ||
| And break comedians and make them so successful. | ||
| But I really love making jokes on it. | ||
| It's my favorite. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great place to do it. | ||
| It's a fun way to post a picture and say something funny. | ||
| It's a little writing exercise. | ||
| It's also like, journalists are so fucking lazy now. | ||
| News is just, Jennifer Lopez posted this thing on Instagram. | ||
| They just take all their news and all their photos from Instagram now. | ||
| Do you know how many stories get written just from shit we say on this podcast? | ||
| Just use it and write a story. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Well, I'll see you when the internet, like Twitter will be up. | ||
| You posted a picture with me and Owen Smith, I believe. | ||
| And it was like one of the days you said one thing. | ||
| I don't even remember what it was, but the internet had blown. | ||
| And I could tell because I was tagged in the picture of you. | ||
| So all these people were commenting. | ||
| And I saw you later and it was not a different day for you in any way. | ||
| If you don't read it... | ||
| I was like, I wonder if he... | ||
| Because it was just like, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| I was getting all these notifications. | ||
| It was just so funny that you didn't even... | ||
| That's probably when I didn't like video games or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you... | |
| I feel like you got... | ||
| Maybe it was like... | ||
| I feel like two years ago, you got like super famous. | ||
| Like super, super, super famous. | ||
| Did it feel like it was like two years ago? | ||
| I always thought you were so famous. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| You were famous, but then you became a religion. | ||
| I just keep moving. | ||
| I think it's a cumulative thing if you just keep moving. | ||
| Keep putting out podcasts and then more and more people listen to them. | ||
| And then too many people are listening to you. | ||
| And then it becomes this thing. | ||
| Yeah, and then it's like every word you say is they're like, but you have a responsibility. | ||
| Also, I'm a fucking moron, which is a terrible thing. | ||
| Like if people are getting advice from me, I don't even take my own advice a lot of times. | ||
| Don't listen to me. | ||
| But that's why you're fun to listen to and talk to is because you're like humble and you're willing to entertain ideas that aren't yours and you ask the right questions. | ||
| I think it's so important that we're talking about before that you don't get married to your ideas. | ||
| I've been married to my ideas before. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| It's gross because then you defend them and you lie and you manipulate your words to try to make it seem like you're right when you're not right. | ||
| I think it was in that same book we brought up so many times. | ||
| You get dopamine when your bias is confirmation bias. | ||
| When someone agrees with a wrong idea that you say, you get dopamine. | ||
| I used to enjoy winning, like, arguments like that. | ||
| And now I want to, like, honestly, like, when I have someone on the podcast that's saying something really ridiculous that I know is horseshit, that I'm like, okay, this is my opportunity to just exercise this thing. | ||
| And I want, I'll just speak nice and slow. | ||
| And, like, why do you think that? | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Like, tell me how you make... | ||
| What about this? | ||
| And I'll give them opposing ideas, but I won't be married to them. | ||
| I'll say, well, that doesn't make any sense because this... | ||
| But I'm not saying it in a mean way. | ||
| I'm like, I'm trying to... | ||
| Especially when someone says something that they don't even really think through. | ||
| This is like a predetermined pattern of behavior, a conglomeration of ideas that I've adopted as this ideology, and I'm going to push this forward no matter what. | ||
| And those people are fascinating because when you talk to them they are fucking married to those ideas and they don't even know them! | ||
| They're married to strangers! | ||
| They're married to strangers and you're arguing with them about some shit they haven't thought through at all and they um and they ah. | ||
| I've had people fall apart and it's so fascinating because look I've been wrong a thousand times on this fucking podcast or more but When there's a moment, if I know I'm wrong, I'll be like, ooh, okay, that's not right. | ||
| And that's this specific podcast today. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Everything you've said. | ||
| Yeah, you are able to change your mind after getting new information. | ||
| Well, you should be like, you have to. | ||
| That's how science is, right? | ||
| Isn't science like that you're trying to prove yourself wrong? | ||
| You're trying to like, yeah. | ||
| It's ego. | ||
| But even in science, it's a real issue. | ||
| When people come up with new scientific discoveries that other scientists didn't recognize, there's a lot of fucking blowback. | ||
| A lot of people get angry. | ||
| Scientists get pissy. | ||
| They get really egotistical. | ||
| It's super, super disheartening. | ||
| When you take all of your information from archaeologists, but then one archaeologist will find some new discovery that predates civilization. | ||
| I've seen it with Graham Hancock. | ||
| I've seen it with Robert Shock, who's this geologist from Boston University. | ||
| He was talking to this archaeologist about these geological findings that show water erosion on the outside of the Sphinx that could have only taken place at 9000 BC, which would predate all that Egyptian construction way earlier than they thought it was. | ||
| And this guy's mocking him and laughing at him. | ||
| A scientist! | ||
| Instead of going, fascinating, because this is his field of study. | ||
| I'm a fucking geologist, okay? | ||
| And he's saying, these water marks can only be created by erosion. | ||
| This is water erosion. | ||
| This is not wind and sand. | ||
| This is water. | ||
| And he's saying, I'm a geologist. | ||
| I have sent these images, these cropped images, to other geologists. | ||
| They've agreed with me. | ||
| This guy's just mocking him. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, it's ego. | ||
| He doesn't want to think that He's been teaching and writing books for all these years about how old the Sphinx is, how old the pyramids are. | ||
| And he's been wrong. | ||
| And he doesn't want to... | ||
| You're like, oh no. | ||
| So it exists in everything. | ||
| Even in the people that we rely on the most for information. | ||
| They're married to their ideas. | ||
| He should have been fascinated. | ||
| She'd have been like... | ||
| Wow, well, I have to revise my book! | ||
| And then you get a new book, dude! | ||
| Yeah, then you get this crazy new discovery that, oh, look, it looks like there's many eras of construction. | ||
| Because if you go deep, deep, deep into the sand, there's an older era. | ||
| And it's a very distinctive era. | ||
| They built things differently then. | ||
| And then this era, they do it this way. | ||
| They can get it narrowed down to these epochs. | ||
| It's fucking fascinating. | ||
| But meanwhile, this guy's ego wouldn't let him see it. | ||
| And you watch it, and you go, wow! | ||
| What civilization was from 14,000 years ago? | ||
| Meanwhile, since then, they've found them. | ||
| They've found actual civilizations. | ||
| Like Gobekli Tepe, that's 100% more than 12,000 years old. | ||
| 100%, without a doubt, was filled in 12,000 years ago. | ||
| So the guy was wrong. | ||
| But meanwhile, his ideas were his. | ||
| He clutched them like a baby. | ||
| He was protecting from a fucking storm. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| There's so much of that in medicine, especially when there's new solutions and shit. | ||
| You know, like I was reading about the board certification for veterinarians. | ||
| A lot of these veterinarians have to learn wrong information to pass this test to get board certified. | ||
| A lot of it that's already been debunked because it's like older veterinarians. | ||
| Something that was true 30 years ago now has been debunked and they have to like learn all this archaic shit just to pass this arbitrary test. | ||
| Well, remember the food chain? | ||
| Remember when you were a kid? | ||
| This is how to get cancer! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is how to get fat! | |
| It was like, eat five servings of bread a day, eight potatoes. | ||
| Remember that pyramid? | ||
| At the top there was a fish. | ||
| It was like one piece of fish, that's right. | ||
| And then one little piece of steak. | ||
| The fact that we used to think that shit was good for us. | ||
| Well, then Atkins was like, eat cream cheese and beef. | ||
| And didn't he die? | ||
| No! | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| People always like to say this. | ||
| Atkins fell on the ice and broke his head. | ||
| Well, because he was off balance from all that cream cheese. | ||
| Brogan, you're wrong. | ||
| I remember I was taught when I was a kid the healthiest thing you could eat was like a blueberry muffin. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Low fat. | ||
| Low fat blueberry muffin. | ||
| Listen, I've been eating a lot of blueberry muffins and they really do make you look like a blueberry muffin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so weird. | |
| I love your body, Annie. | ||
| The problem with me is that it looks good at all weights, so it's hard to lose weight. | ||
| But you also look like you're fucking strong as shit. | ||
| I look fertile. | ||
| Yeah, you look like a brick house. | ||
| The opposite of barren. | ||
| Do you work out hard? | ||
| I like to work out a lot. | ||
| I do enjoy working out. | ||
| Was that ever a thing that helped you when you were getting over booze? | ||
| Exercise? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I started doing yoga because I was very detached to my femininity, obviously, if you had gotten to this job. | ||
| My femininity. | ||
| But my mom's very, like, sportsy. | ||
| I can't use the word I want to say. | ||
| But, you know, so she was always very, like, let's just play sports, no dolls, all this stuff. | ||
| So I had no attachment to it. | ||
| And then with yoga, I kind of got really, like, girly in it. | ||
| And it helped me. | ||
| And just the body weight stuff really helped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I like doing jiu-jitsu, but I'm not fucking doing jiu-jitsu during this shit, dude. | ||
| I'm not spitting in each other's mouths, dude. | ||
| Well, you were doing it at Nogi, too, which is, you know, you're in, like, fucking Lycra and stuff. | ||
| It's really close contact. | ||
| It's so sweaty and so gross. | ||
| I know you can contract it through ball sweat. | ||
| I know for a fact. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| But it does improve your immune system. | ||
| That's what's interesting. | ||
| It was so fun, though. | ||
| It was the most fun. | ||
| It's the most fun exercise. | ||
| You're doing math problems on people's bodies. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| That is what it's like. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| But you know what I wanted to ask you? | ||
| I can't get weights anywhere. | ||
| They don't sell weights anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's hard. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They're sold out of weights because everyone's in quarantine. | ||
| Oh, everyone's trying to get in shape. | ||
| Isn't that nuts? | ||
| Because no gyms are open. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| California, all these gyms. | ||
| How many of these gyms are going to stay open? | ||
| Did you see those ridiculous ones? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could do some weights. | |
| Those pods where they had, like, people were surrounded in, like, surround wrap pods working out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's so weird. | |
| Unzip. | ||
| I'll get to eat some weights. | ||
| Yeah, great. | ||
| You tell me what I need. | ||
| I have some, too. | ||
| You know better than me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Are gyms ever going to be the same? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| First of all, yeah, maybe, but three years from now. | ||
| It's going to take a while for people to get over this shit. | ||
| Also, the online stuff, I think that a lot of things can exist online, and it sucks because it's harder with willpower, I think. | ||
| Doing a yoga class on a Zoom is very difficult for me. | ||
| And also for me, I like taking classes because I get competitive as shit, and I want to beat the person next to me. | ||
| It's just part of my motivation, whether it's healthy or not, or the instructor yelling at you or whatever, trying to impress somebody or whatever the fuck, you know? | ||
| You're not going to get that from Zoom. | ||
| It's like Zoom comedy, right? | ||
| Mark Norman said it was like methadone comedy. | ||
| It's like we have worked our whole lives to get precise timing and a two second delay changes fucking everything. | ||
| It's like second by second. | ||
| I was doing comedy out of the window. | ||
| At the store. | ||
| And it was like, you couldn't have it at the same time. | ||
| And they ended up not being able to do it because of regulation stuff. | ||
| But they had to have a 10 second delay. | ||
| And it was, well, I was doing like a podcast with Eleanor Kerrigan, my fucking angel. | ||
| And we were like joking and stuff. | ||
| But that delay, so I would say something that I was like, this is going to fucking land, right? | ||
| And then so she'd be talking, I'd be half listening to her and looking at, waiting 10 seconds, like one Mississippi, two Mississippi. | ||
| And then I'd look and it would bomb and I'm like, fuck! | ||
| It wasn't good. | ||
| It's amazing how we're so conditioned to have that immediate gratification, that like, clap. | ||
| And then just even on Zoom, like doing like talk shows or Zoom podcasts, which I really do not like doing, just that one second fucks up the flow and the chemistry of everything. | ||
| It's also, there's an energy that people have when they're in the room with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Like, that's one of the things that comedy does that people don't talk about. | ||
| It's like a hypnosis thing going on. | ||
| There's a sharing of energy, the laughs, or you're physically feeling them. | ||
| You're not going to get that. | ||
| It's a symbiotic relationship. | ||
| It's like we do need each other. | ||
| And also the energy that the audience gets from each other being shoulder to shoulder with another person that contagious and also like the home court advantage of you're in my fucking house. | ||
| You're in your bed snuggled up, cozy, like with a pillow. | ||
| With other options, by the way, where you could just be looking at something else at any time. | ||
| I try to explain to non-comics that if you watch a comedy special, like someone's comedy special, That's maybe 70% as good as seeing them live. | ||
| Very rarely translates. | ||
| First of all it's tough because filming a special is kind of tense so you're not loose and when you're loose you're funny so it's hard for people to be loose and then it's also weird because The fucking not being in the room thing is like 30 or 40%. | ||
| It's like this feeling that you get when you're there, when you're like, you're going to see someone live, you're there, you're having fun, it's all happening, it's right now. | ||
| You're high, yeah. | ||
| It's right there, but when you're watching at home, you're just sitting back and you're alone. | ||
| I always try to cut out a lot of applause breaks and stuff on specials, because at home you're just- Yeah, she cuts out the applause breaks. | ||
| You know, all the standing ovations just got a bit much. | ||
| No, but I just mean when they're there, they're going to laugh a little longer at home. | ||
| They're like, haha, now move on. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You don't want to have them have to hear other people laugh. | ||
| I always add some in, you know? | ||
| That is weird, because I have heard that before. | ||
| I've heard people adding laugh track. | ||
| Maria Bamford did a special for her parents in her living room. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| We could start shooting specials for small crowds. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| She's so funny. | ||
| That sounds like something she would do, too. | ||
| That's very funny. | ||
| She did stand-up just for her parents on the couch in their living room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so funny. | |
| What a great idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's so cool. | |
| I like what a uniquely herself person she is. | ||
| It's just my favorite thing in people. | ||
| Everybody tried COVID comedy a while ago. | ||
| Remember when... | ||
| What was the comic's name that put that special out on HBO with no audience at all? | ||
| Oh, I know who you're talking about. | ||
| Gerard Carmichael directed it. | ||
| Oh, no, no, I know. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Drew Michael. | ||
| Drew Michael did a special with no audience. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| He took a swing. | ||
| I always appreciate a swing. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| There used to be live performances that weren't really stand-up. | ||
| Do you remember Eric Boghossian? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Yeah, he used to do these live performances that were, they were not really stand-up. | ||
| They were these things. | ||
| You know, there were these stories he would tell. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, you remember that? | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| Do you remember there was this guy, Josh Fadum? | ||
| Did you ever know him? | ||
| Yes, he's so funny. | ||
| He's this wild dude. | ||
| He would do crazy shit. | ||
| Like, he would go on stage and just like... | ||
| Run in place and it was like so weird and like not funny and then he would just like keep doing it and like people start walking out and then he was just like keep running in place and then by three minutes in you're dying laughing and you have no idea why. | ||
| Yeah he'll do a thing where he like accidentally fucks up the mic and it falls apart and he's like But it's so funny. | ||
| It gets tangled up in it. | ||
| You want to hate it. | ||
| Honestly, as a comic, I'm looking at your face. | ||
| You want to hate it. | ||
| But it's charmingly funny. | ||
| It's just some weird thought exercise or performance art or something. | ||
| Reggie Watts, too. | ||
| He learned how to make sounds funny. | ||
| Reggie can do so many different things. | ||
| The thing about Reggie is he's like... | ||
| Josh Fadum's big moment was the 10 second clip. | ||
| It looked like there was a shooting at a fucking comedy club. | ||
| That was the worst video I've ever seen. | ||
| You can even see them. | ||
| What kind of lights are they? | ||
| Josh, you had a shot and Jamie really blew it for you. | ||
| That and Mitzi Short's Sex Dungeon? | ||
| What was that video? | ||
| The darkness of the stage is confusing. | ||
| Did you like how dark the main room got? | ||
| Do you remember what I'm talking about? | ||
| When they just, the week before? | ||
| Then they put those lights up, those crazy LED lights. | ||
| Yeah, I think I liked it. | ||
| I was getting used to it. | ||
| The pictures looked beautiful that Troy was taking. | ||
| When do you guys think it comes back? | ||
| We're all guessing. | ||
| Everything we're talking about. | ||
| I had booked the La Jolla Comedy Store for two weeks and shut down. | ||
| Um... | ||
| I think it's going to be six months to a year. | ||
| Full year. | ||
| I just moved my tour to fall 2021. Theaters. | ||
| If someone can figure out the ventilation system, if there's some... | ||
| I don't know why we're not figuring this out. | ||
| Well, if someone comes up with a rapid test, that's going to fix everything. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Rapid test. | ||
| You test someone as they're walking in. | ||
| It's a long-ass line. | ||
| Line's going to take a lot longer than it will. | ||
| Normally, but you could have holding rooms. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It would be amazing. | ||
| You would completely get rid of the virus if you could do that. | ||
| But how long is it going to take for our emotional trauma to heal? | ||
| Remember the days when you would just be in a comedy club and a waitress in the dark would hand you a drink with a straw and you just put it right in your mouth? | ||
| Everything's going to be different. | ||
| Our whole earth is going to be different. | ||
| I mean, imagine just taking a drink from a girl at a bar and putting it in your mouth. | ||
| Fauci was saying that we're not going to be able to shake hands anymore. | ||
| We're not going to be able to date rape drug people anymore. | ||
| It's so upsetting. | ||
| You can't slip me the drug anymore. | ||
| I mean, it's like, what is this doing to our brains just in terms of like... | ||
| It's making us go closer and closer to virtual reality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| But don't you think it's like an ego death? | ||
| I feel like we've all been forced into this epic dose of mushrooms that we didn't mean to take. | ||
| And it's like everyone has to face their mortality, which I think is all we're doing all day anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's now, it's like, oh, we're watching death. | ||
| There's the death of our... | ||
| Of being entertained. | ||
| There's the death of going out. | ||
| There's the death of meeting people. | ||
| The death of shaking hands. | ||
| The death of actual people. | ||
| And I think it was Tim Dillon and I were talking about how like 9-11, everyone's like comparing this to 9-11 in some ways and the fact that it's just like a trauma. | ||
| But 9-11 like brought us together, you know? | ||
| It was like there was this like, let's go out till two in the morning. | ||
| They're not going to fucking win. | ||
| And everyone was instantly friends with each other. | ||
| And now everyone's instant enemies with each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I walked down the street and people were like, where the fuck The mask stuff is so funny. | |
| People are so crazy. | ||
| The mask stuff is crazy. | ||
| Their default is fuck you. | ||
| It's like outside in the sun. | ||
| Like, hey man, it's not even possible. | ||
| You don't even know what this is. | ||
| Dude, there was a guy, I went to Venice Beach, and there was a guy in a wheelchair who, and I used to work with kids with special needs, so I always like to make eye contact and say hello to people in wheelchairs. | ||
| Don't blow past the one sentence that makes you the most likable. | ||
| Oh, I was a special ed. | ||
| Whatever, no big deal. | ||
| I'm a hero. | ||
| Gave it up to tell dick jokes, to do God's work. | ||
| So I always like to acknowledge, because people don't want to be rude, so they don't want to stare, and then they're never looked at, they're never talked about. | ||
| That's why I'm always like, do jokes about people in wheelchair. | ||
| Make them a part of things. | ||
| Right, because if they're equal, you'll joke about them. | ||
| Of course, yeah. | ||
| It's like, there's no punching down. | ||
| Like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| But so, I was doing my little, like, aren't I a good citizen? | ||
| Like, I contacted this guy and he goes... | ||
| We're a fucking mascot! | ||
| And I was like, oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it was because I gave him the icon deck. | |
| It was so funny. | ||
| It was one of my vlog days, my new vlog, only on Patreon. | ||
| And it was like, I just turned the thing off because I didn't want to focus on... | ||
| I didn't want to be like, I'm videotaping a guy in a wheelchair, but it literally was the funniest thing that's ever happened. | ||
| It's amazing that cunt is the most offensive word, but if someone calls me a cunt, it's so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think of my dad. | |
| I'm like, daddy! | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| We need a new word, because if a guy calls me a cunt, I'll start laughing. | ||
| I think it still works on enough women, though. | ||
| There's not enough herd immunity. | ||
| We need herd immunity for cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, I've got the antibodies because I've been in comedy. | |
| If a guy calls you a cunt, it's just so funny to me. | ||
| That's what we were saying the other night. | ||
| Someone said cunt, and both of us were like, Dad! | ||
| It's such a good word. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's short. | ||
| It's cutting. | ||
| It's got a T at the end of it. | ||
| I still like bitch. | ||
| Bitch is still pretty good for me. | ||
| If someone calls me bitch, I'm like, damn. | ||
| Bitch is softer than cunt, though. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| As a sound. | ||
| The thing about cunt is the sound. | ||
| The T. That is sharp. | ||
| It's razor sharp. | ||
| Calling a guy a cunt is always good. | ||
| He's such a cunt. | ||
| I love that word. | ||
| I use it 90% of the time for men. | ||
| Yeah, I call it men cunts. | ||
| But if a guy calls me a bitch, there's something so 90s about it. | ||
| There's something so retro about it. | ||
| When you go to England and Australia, though, they toss it around like a beach ball. | ||
| That's what's weird. | ||
| And then bitch is their cunt, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What is their cunt? | ||
| Fanny is their pussy. | ||
| They don't use it that much for girls, though. | ||
| They use it for each other. | ||
| It's a term of endearment. | ||
| Yeah, it's a jokey term. | ||
| Like, hey, what's up, fucker? | ||
| Like, hey, man, what's up, cunt? | ||
| He's a good cunt. | ||
| Like, he's a good cunt is a normal thing for them to say. | ||
| It feels like, are you fucking cunt? | ||
| They come over here, and they realize that, oh, Jesus, I've got to remap my language. | ||
| Because cunt is like a different thing over here. | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
| The one that gets me is fuckface. | ||
| I can't think of one that gets me. | ||
| There is one, but I can't think of... | ||
| Fuckface you can get away with, too. | ||
| But it's got so much power. | ||
| Fuckface. | ||
| The thing that throws me, actually, is when other women call me hooker or whore. | ||
| When a girl's like, hey whore, I'm like, Jesus. | ||
| That always disorganizes me. | ||
| Well, what if it's your friend? | ||
| So it's like, hey hooker, hey slut. | ||
| Girls were doing that for a while. | ||
| They were calling each other hooker. | ||
| Well, sometimes I'll be like, you're a slut. | ||
| Sometimes it's like, wow, you are a fucking slut. | ||
| Yeah, but you're doing it to be funny. | ||
| We're saying guys can't call us this, but no wonder they're confused. | ||
| Whitney, if you don't want that anymore, close your legs. | ||
| You've been shitting like a whore the whole time. | ||
| Are you being a boy or a whore? | ||
| These chairs, I think it's like ergonomic chairs. | ||
| I think they're to give birth in or something. | ||
| I don't know what's happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're very good for your back. | |
| Is this a Sibian? | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| These chairs are the best. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like I get out of here and my posture is always like so much better. | ||
| So I think we came to a serious conclusion that you guys need your own show. | ||
| Like legitimately. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What are we going to do here? | ||
| I think you legitimately need to do it. | ||
| Can we have the sauna too and everything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Just have it. | ||
| And what are we going to do? | ||
| Are we going to take calls or give advice? | ||
| I'm really careful what I say. | ||
| Yeah, maybe we trauma bond when someone calls in and we trauma bond with them. | ||
| You guys need like a neon sign behind you. | ||
| I want a neon sign that says Annie fucking Letterman's so bad behind me on my podcast. | ||
| I want it so bad. | ||
| We can call it the Annie Letterman podcast. | ||
| I do want to make you famous. | ||
| If anybody wants to... | ||
| Buy me that neon. | ||
| Pay for my eggs to get frozen. | ||
| I'll pay to freeze your eggs, or you can have my frozen eggs. | ||
| How much does it cost to freeze your eggs? | ||
| 20 grand. | ||
| Wow, that's pretty cheap. | ||
| That's cheap to you? | ||
| To freeze eggs? | ||
| You guys are so cool. | ||
| My friends are so rich. | ||
| To freeze eggs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I thought it was a really prohibitively expensive... | |
| If it's a boy, you can name it, and if it's a girl, you can name it. | ||
| I'm gonna name it Butch. | ||
| It will be. | ||
| I'm going to name it Cunts. | ||
| And his little frozen cunts. | ||
| And his little frozen cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That should be the name of your next special. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| And you do a special about getting your eggs frozen. | ||
| I'm going to name it Fisty. | ||
| Do you want kids? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should have a kid. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I feel like I'd be a really... | ||
| I think I went through so much... | ||
| I think I'd be a really good mom. | ||
| My nieces are, like, my fucking favorite. | ||
| My nephews, too. | ||
| I love them so much. | ||
| I don't want to say I don't... | ||
| But I talk to my nieces and nephews every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I love them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My niece is eight. | ||
| We've been... | ||
| We just started becoming pen pals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have this video for me. | ||
| It came! | ||
| The letter K! It's like so cute. | ||
| Now that the mail is going to be canceled. | ||
| Well, they don't. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Just when we became... | ||
| That's adorable. | ||
| And my little niece, who's four, she... | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| My eight-year-old sent me... | ||
| I gave her a snow globe of Hollywood. | ||
| And I was like, whenever you miss me... | ||
| They're in Boston. | ||
| I'm like, whenever you miss me, just think about... | ||
| And so she sent me... | ||
| It was four years ago. | ||
| I sent it to her. | ||
| And she sent me a picture of the snow globe. | ||
| And she goes, I think about you all the time, Auntie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I miss you so much. | |
| It's like... | ||
| I'm going to get those rapid tests. | ||
| There is something that happens. | ||
| That biological clock shit's real. | ||
| I look at babies and I'm like, I want to fucking put that baby in my mouth. | ||
| I also look at that. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not in this climate, Whitney. | |
| Not with our peers. | ||
| I have like a compulsion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just want to squeeze them. | |
| I don't want to miss out on the experience. | ||
| We are on this earth to have kids. | ||
| It doesn't look that fun to me. | ||
| Women's only purpose is to bear children, Annie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know this. | |
| But it doesn't look that funny. | ||
| My friends seem very happy and tired, but it does seem like a lot. | ||
| So I have two brothers. | ||
| My twin brother has two girls, and my older brother has two boys, so I'll have a hermaphrodite. | ||
| But it's like a perfect... | ||
| It's just like they're so perfect. | ||
| They're so cute. | ||
| I see other people's kids and I'm like, I want that kid. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| I want school to be back in session. | ||
| I think I would be. | ||
| I think it took a while. | ||
| You'd be a lot of fun. | ||
| You'd be a fun mom. | ||
| I do have a compulsion to adopt, though. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I rescue animals so much that it sort of is like... | ||
| Is that kind of like getting your kid from a breeder? | ||
| Getting your kid from a breeder? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Shouldn't I adopt a kid too? | ||
| Wait, did you see that Sia, the singer, adopted like 18 and 19 year old two black guys? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't know how you adopt a grown man. | ||
| She just did. | ||
| I didn't know you could adopt people that were over 18. Maybe they got some weird thing they're doing. | ||
| If they're not, that's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old is she? | |
| She's like 40-something, I think. | ||
| Every guy you've ever dated has basically been an adoption. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You pay for them, you take care of them. | ||
| I like my men like I like my dogs. | ||
| How many comedians do you think you've dated? | ||
| Um, like three. | ||
| Isn't it weird that I haven't dated any comedians? | ||
| No, it's smart. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I honestly, and I think I'm done with it. | ||
| I'm like, I think I went through all the ones. | ||
| I dated one ever when I was open-miker, and I was like, oh, she's like me. | ||
| It is fun. | ||
| We can't do this. | ||
| It's constant bits. | ||
| It is fun. | ||
| She was fun. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| Is there a little bit of a, like, whose bit is that? | ||
| That's mine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like, when you're in a fight? | ||
| I guess you could if you sort of workshopped a bit together. | ||
| Can I have that? | ||
| Or if you take it, I'm going to tell people you raped me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| There's a weird relationship though when a woman comic and a male comic get together and then one of them is writing the other one's jokes and you can tell. | ||
| And you're like, oh, that's her writing. | ||
| That's his writing. | ||
| And I'm the worst because if I write a joke for someone, they're a If I write a joke for someone and I'm in the back of the room and someone's doing the bit and it gets the biggest laugh, obviously, because that really does happen because I'm so good. | ||
| You're a great joke writer. | ||
| No, but I cannot help but go like, I fucking write. | ||
| I know it's so shitty, but I'm like, I'm not getting rid of it. | ||
| Snitches get stitches. | ||
| I'm like, I'm so sorry. | ||
| Gavin Newsom, do I get money if I rat out that I wrote that joke? | ||
| It's Garcetti is the one who wants to give you money. | ||
| But have you ever dated a comedian? | ||
| I think if I was dating a comic and I saw them do poorly, I wouldn't be able to fuck them again. | ||
| That would be rough. | ||
| That would be rough. | ||
| If I don't respect someone, I have a hard time. | ||
| Well, I wouldn't, like, yeah. | ||
| You can't, like, openly date somebody you don't respect. | ||
| But if you're dating a girl and she's a comic and she sucks, that is going to be rough, too, for a guy as well. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then all of a sudden she gets real good. | ||
| Then she passes you using your jokes. | ||
| That would be rough. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a fun experience. | ||
| I do remember that, but you can also do that in just friendships with comics. | ||
| I just have so many people I call about jokes. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| For me, I had some Darwinian instinct to be like, do not piss where you eat. | ||
| Do not toxify this environment. | ||
| This is the only place you feel safe. | ||
| That's why any of these guys, if they ever DM me, I'm always like, ew. | ||
| I think some girls, though, they feel like no one gets them but comics. | ||
| And that's why you see girl comics wind up with male comics. | ||
| Because, like, for a woman to be the funny one, I think there's a lot of guys that are intimidated by that. | ||
| Like, if a guy was a regular guy with a regular job and he's dating a funny comic who's going on stage murdering at the comedy store in the main room. | ||
| Like, that's hard. | ||
| But there's plenty of guys that don't feel that way. | ||
| The ones who wear a ball gag. | ||
| Wow, you really know how far up that ball gag goes, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We do have to wear strap-ons. | |
| It's a different kind of person, but there's a lot of guys who can't, for sure. | ||
| I mean, everybody's different, but there are a lot of guys who have a problem with the woman being the funny one. | ||
| Well, also, this happens a lot, where a guy who has nothing to do with comedy is really into you, and you're like, oh, great, like a man. | ||
| And then they see you do stand-up? | ||
| No, they've seen you do stand-up, and they're into it, and then they go... | ||
| You know, I always kind of wanted to get into comedy and you're like, get out of my house forever. | ||
| Get out of this car I'm living in. | ||
| Get out of this car I live in. | ||
| I've had that happen so many times. | ||
| So they're only dating you because they wanted to get into comedy and you're established. | ||
| Or maybe it's both. | ||
| You know, Kurt told me this because I used to always feel like if someone hit on me... | ||
| They didn't think I was funny or something. | ||
| And he's like, they could be hitting on you because they like that you're funny. | ||
| But here's the difference between men and women right here and there. | ||
| Because if there was a guy and he's dating a girl and she's like, you know, I always thought about doing comedy. | ||
| The guy would be like, you should. | ||
| They'd be so stupid. | ||
| They wouldn't even realize the girl's fucking them just to get into comedy. | ||
| They would have no idea. | ||
| They'd be like, yeah, you should do it. | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| Yeah, go for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't care. | |
| As long as the girl lets the guy fuck her. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| He's going to be like, yeah, get into comedy. | ||
| I'll help you write jokes. | ||
| It's not even like saying, I don't want you to be a comedian. | ||
| It's just saying, I don't want to date an open-miker. | ||
| Of course! | ||
| So you're going to humiliate me by being the worst comedian in the room? | ||
| This is the difference between men and women. | ||
| If a girl's hot, a guy will still fuck her, even if she's an open-miker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You'll take her to the show. | ||
| If you're some dude who's a headliner on the road, and you're doing theaters, and you've got this really pretty girlfriend who all of a sudden wants to be a comic, you're like, eh. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| I think I fucked myself a couple times because I always felt like, okay, don't emasculate this guy, laugh at his jokes. | ||
| So I would laugh at his jokes that weren't funny, and then he'd be like, well, if she thinks I'm funny, I must be hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm too on the spectrum. | |
| Then he'd want to start doing stand-up. | ||
| I'm too on the spectrum to do that. | ||
| I have a lot of trouble fake laughing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm like, my face is like, I look at them. | ||
| I remember Tony once being like, I see what you're doing, you're not laughing. | ||
| And I was like, Tony, it just was too punny in this moment, and I just can't fake laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Not that Tony's not the fucking funny. | ||
| He's the emperor of puns. | ||
| No one has better puns than Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Over this quarantine, I've gotten so close with Tony. | ||
| I get him. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| I accept his craziness. | ||
| I remember before, I remember when Tony smoked. | ||
| Didn't he go vegan? | ||
| Isn't he vegan now or something? | ||
| Yeah, he was vegan and then he started eating meat. | ||
| I remember when he was in bad shape. | ||
| I remember when he was a door guy and he was like a mess and I used to yell at him to stop smoking cigarettes. | ||
| He thought that being vegan was going to help his health. | ||
| He lost a lot of weight. | ||
| Yeah, but he doesn't need to lose weight. | ||
| He's such a thin guy. | ||
| He's got a crazy metabolism. | ||
| He can eat everything and just burns off him. | ||
| He's going to be so happy we're talking about him. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| He knows I love him though. | ||
| Do you know who Mitch Burrows is? | ||
| He's at the Comedy Store too. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He's a door guy. | ||
| He's so funny though. | ||
| He's one of the guys that, like, that's his way into the comedy story. | ||
| Well, we were talking about that when we were doing the documentary, too. | ||
| It's one of the coolest things about the store is that everybody gets treated like a comic. | ||
| The door people, the people that work the cover booth, it doesn't matter. | ||
| If you're a comic, you're a comic. | ||
| And a lot of us, like, whether it's Duncan or Ari or so many of these people started out as door people. | ||
| So many guys. | ||
| So many guys. | ||
| And I think the common denominator of the comic store comics is these are people that want it at all fucking costs. | ||
| People are like, you're a comic store comic, that place is toxic. | ||
| It's like, you're throwing shit around like that. | ||
| I spent from 5pm to 2 in the morning every night for like four years. | ||
| It's sort of like the amount of time we put in. | ||
| It's not toxic. | ||
| It's a wild place and sometimes weird shit happens there and sometimes, you know, it's annoying and sometimes people bomb and sometimes people feel like they bomb because the person before them was too gross or too this or too that. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| Look, it's a fucking dangerous place. | ||
| I've had shitty sets now. | ||
| It's a nightclub. | ||
| You remember when there was all of a sudden like a wave of white female comedians in the middle of Black Lives Matter going like, oh wait, we're victims of being treated badly by male comics. | ||
| It was just like, we don't want to post about Black Lives Matter anymore. | ||
| It's embarrassing. | ||
| It's making us uncomfortable. | ||
| White women couldn't let black people have the spotlight. | ||
| We're the victims again. | ||
| So one girl had written something where she was like, I, you know, and I have to have male comics walk me to my car at the end of the night and it's like, okay, wait, so they're nice enough to walk to... | ||
| You're saying the night... | ||
| It's not comedy that's dangerous. | ||
| The nighttime is dangerous. | ||
| Darkness is dangerous. | ||
| Clubs. | ||
| Nightclubs of people drink is dangerous. | ||
| But, I mean, I would not want to be a woman. | ||
| I would not want to be someone who wants to fuck all the time. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| And you're walking by like... | ||
| If you have personalities like us, no one wants to fuck you. | ||
| No, they run from you. | ||
| We've been actually doing that stuff. | ||
| People rue the day they molested me. | ||
| I'll tell you that. | ||
| Don't you worry. | ||
| We do a great job of repelling that. | ||
| I think it's harder. | ||
| I mean, there's some aspects of being a man, I'm sure, that are probably more difficult. | ||
| But I think, overall, the physical vulnerability part is huge. | ||
| It's definitely huge in a confidence business, right? | ||
| Because the thing about stand-up is, a lot of it, it's a confidence business. | ||
| Well, I definitely started... | ||
| Wanting to become a weapon. | ||
| When I started doing jiu-jitsu and stuff, I was like, this is how it's supposed to be. | ||
| And I remember during the Me Too movement and stuff, I was always like, there's something missing here where it's like a conversation with young girls about learning to stand up for yourselves and be strong. | ||
| And you would get called victim shaming. | ||
| And it's like, no, it's about you have no control over the outside world. | ||
| So protect yourself as much as you can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I was a blackout drunk, I was literally, I was my own bodyguard leaving to go to the bathroom for fucking six hours and my body's just there. | ||
| It's like, you need, like, to me, it's like becoming the strongest I can be whether I'm a woman or I'm a man and like being able to, because Tate years ago was like, if I was a woman, I'd want to be the strongest woman in the world. | ||
| And I was like, Tate, I just want to be hot. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I'm trying to get a six pack to be cute. | ||
| But now I get it. | ||
| I got to that age where I went, oh yeah, like I want to be able to fuck people up if they come at me. | ||
| And also I think it's like just getting your intuition on point, you know? | ||
| It's like that Gavin DeBecker book, That Gift of Fear. | ||
| I read that and it changed my life because it was like, I think when you're told for so long, I think the part that gets tricky is that insidious like, People telling you you're crazy, you're psycho, you're too emotional, you're too sensitive, like calm down, relax. | ||
| Hearing that for so long, my programming was the most fucked up thing because when I did actually feel someone being dangerous, I would override my intuition. | ||
| I'm just being dramatic or I'm just being crazy. | ||
| Or I don't want to accuse this person of something. | ||
| I got into trouble. | ||
| In that book, he talks about all the women that he interviewed that had either been attacked or assaulted. | ||
| They always said, I knew something was fucking off about that guy. | ||
| They knew it, even though he was helping them with their groceries or opening the door for them. | ||
| They were like, my body knew there was something off about that guy. | ||
| I think there's something really dangerous about having a very limited amount of experience with crazy people or with dangerous people. | ||
| Because you don't know real violent people or real dangerous people. | ||
| You haven't been around them. | ||
| And so you don't know that you could just run into them. | ||
| You could take a wrong turn on 4th Street and all of a sudden there's a violent, crazy person and you don't know what they're like. | ||
| You don't know to get away. | ||
| And you want to be nice. | ||
| There's this instinct to be nice. | ||
| I don't know if it's taught to us or whatever, but it's like you don't want to be rude to someone. | ||
| You don't want to be an asshole. | ||
| But it's like, it doesn't, like, what I want, like, what I'm so glad I learned and what I would want to impart upon my nieces and even my nephews, it's like, your safety and your, and it doesn't even have to be physical safety, your emotional safety, your, like, what you want is the most important thing for you. | ||
| So that's why boundaries aren't bad, you know, it's just, like, set them up and, like... | ||
| But for me, like, when we go through the comedy store, anyone who's ostensibly crazy, I'm usually not scared of those people. | ||
| The people advertising they're crazy, those are the people you have to worry about. | ||
| It's the quiet person in the corner you're not hearing anything from. | ||
| Well, a lot of times this guy's friends, right? | ||
| There's a guy who's cool, but then he's got a friend who's fucked up and he doesn't know his friend's fucked up. | ||
| And you're around this person all the time and they're slowly getting closer and closer to you. | ||
| Look, it's... | ||
| Men can be fucking really scary. | ||
| I've met a lot of men that are scary human beings and capable of violence. | ||
| When you hear about someone murdering somebody, you knew that person who murdered somebody, that's a tricky feeling. | ||
| But that's why building up your own shit is so important because you can't control a crazy person outside of you. | ||
| So all these things where it's like, men need to stop. | ||
| It's like, yes, of course. | ||
| But also, how do we protect ourselves? | ||
| It's not men, though. | ||
| It's those men. | ||
| It's the particular people that are doing these awful things to people. | ||
| The particular murderers or rapists or thieves. | ||
| It's like we have a real problem with lumping people into groups. | ||
| We are so disconnected from our intuition because I'll have it sometimes like a woman will come up to me in a meet and greet and I'm like, I have a weird feeling about this person. | ||
| I can't tell you why. | ||
| I can't articulate it. | ||
| I know ostensibly the person seems really nice. | ||
| I have a weird feeling about this. | ||
| I need this person to go. | ||
| Whereas other people are grabbing me and shaking me and I feel fine. | ||
| But this person just being able to like... | ||
| You never fucking know. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| But we can't look at each other as groups because we're going to have blind spots. | ||
| You're going to have these believe all women blind spots or believe all men blind spots. | ||
| Those are bad. | ||
| They're bad. | ||
| And some people just fixate on you, get obsessed through social media. | ||
| There was a girl that was like a runner-up on American Idol. | ||
| She was doing a meet and greet and someone just walked up and shot her. | ||
| Crazy person who thought they knew her. | ||
| I had a security issue with someone who thought they were emailing with me for four months. | ||
| They thought we had a relationship. | ||
| And when you're in that kind of situation... | ||
| I'm sorry about that. | ||
| I wanted to be you. | ||
| I swore it was a different Whitney. | ||
| But then everything you're posting on social media feeds into their idea that they think you're talking to them. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking schizophrenics out there. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of really sick people out there. | ||
| 1% of people in this country are schizophrenic. | ||
| I think that's the right number. | ||
| See if that's the right number. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| What would you guess? | ||
| What percentage of people are schizophrenic? | ||
| I love these guessing games. | ||
| These are the kind of people that are going out of their way to get evaluated. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| There's probably more than that. | ||
| Yeah, I was going to say it's probably going to be a little bit more than whatever it would be. | ||
| What would you think it would be, Annie? | ||
| 2%? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| You should. | ||
| We're talking about you. | ||
| This has been a long intervention, this whole fucking show. | ||
| Are you talking to me or are you talking to me? | ||
| Or me? | ||
| So much of this shit is so underdiagnosed though, right? | ||
| 1%, 2%? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says estimated 1.1%. | |
| And these are just the people that have gone in for medical attention. | ||
| 40% have been gone untreated. | ||
| I need a Jamie. | ||
| We all need a Jamie. | ||
| The 1.1%, they roughly estimate, they add in 40% that are untreated. | ||
| And that's just the lineup at the comedy store. | ||
| That's 100%. | ||
| I gotta tell you, I have bought a lot of shirts from Boone. | ||
| I will say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love Boone. | |
| I buy so many shirts. | ||
| He's been around a long time. | ||
| I was so happy to see that he wasn't... | ||
| Because you get scared about people like that. | ||
| These older weirdos where you're like, where do you live? | ||
| With nothing to lose. | ||
| Your job is to hand people shirts where I don't even know where you got them from. | ||
| I saw him there and I was so happy. | ||
| This is a walking flea market. | ||
| I was like, one of my crazies is still here. | ||
| Listen kids, let's wrap this up. | ||
| We're at more than three hours in. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| I have to pee so bad. | ||
| My water's about to break. | ||
| I think you guys agree, right? | ||
| You should do a show together. | ||
| You guys have epic chemistry. | ||
| It would be the best show. | ||
| I'm down. | ||
| Two chicks shows are so hot right now. | ||
| I don't like you saying that right now. | ||
| Like we're some sort of trend. | ||
| Two cunty chicks. | ||
| Two chicks. | ||
| Both have problems. | ||
| Wait, you have to be my Jamie though. | ||
| How often is it that you see female comics getting along publicly and supporting each other? | ||
| When they make it like this Oprah, I'm every woman shit, it's like, no, no, no, I'm not friends with all female comics just because we're automatically female comics, but I have... | ||
| Little Esther I talk to every day, I talk to you all the fucking time, Bonnie McFarlane I talk to... | ||
| This is not a consensual relationship at all. | ||
| Those are all funny people. | ||
| That's what you have in common. | ||
| Little Esther's hilarious, Bonnie McFarlane's hilarious. | ||
| These are funny comedians. | ||
| They're so funny, and it's just so funny. | ||
| And we don't feel competitive. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of pitting each other against each other and competitive shit that's just like... | ||
| I have no interest in that. | ||
| Don't you think what we were talking about at the Comedy Store the other night really does hold true? | ||
| That this is the least competitive era of any era of comedy and the most supportive. | ||
| We're entrepreneurs. | ||
| Right, but we support each other because of the internet. | ||
| Because there's not a limited amount of slots. | ||
| Like this is the thing that we were talking about with Jay Leno. | ||
| Like back in his day, there was only one host of The Tonight Show. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And everybody wanted that spot. | ||
| When Johnny Carson left, there's a lot of people that wanted that spot. | ||
| Well, there was one, then there was another, then it went back to that one. | ||
| But there's also, you've shown us that helping other comics helps you. | ||
| Yeah, it helps everybody. | ||
| There's plenty of pieces of pie, you know? | ||
| That's why we love Papa. | ||
| We love Papa. | ||
| I love you guys. | ||
| You're so, it's like, you should be such a piece of shit. | ||
| You have so much money. | ||
| How are you not a monster? | ||
| How are you so fucking crazy? | ||
| I think we should say really quick, I do think it's important to say, as we go into this next chapter of Joe Rogan, that a lot of people assume that if someone's on your podcast, that means they're famous. | ||
| You have made a lot of comedians lives by having them come on this podcast. | ||
| It's going to make me cry. | ||
| I'm happy to do it. | ||
| I'd love to do it. | ||
| You've probably saved people's lives letting them come on this podcast. | ||
| I moved out of my car. | ||
| Annie would be dead if it wasn't for you. | ||
| She would be sucking a dick on the side of the road. | ||
| I moved out of my car, but it's because they came to repossess it. | ||
| She'd be fucking some guy in a wheelchair down in Venice. | ||
| But I mean, truly, I think a lot of people don't necessarily understand because this gets so many millions of views that a lot of comics you've had on here are truly homeless. | ||
| And he's, by the way, he's uncomfortable with this, which is because you're cool. | ||
| You have truly given people careers. | ||
| You have given people their lives, their sanity, their following. | ||
| It's a family. | ||
| It's a big deal. | ||
| It's a big deal. | ||
| It just made sense. | ||
| It didn't seem like anything I ever had to think about. | ||
| I just wanted to help and I knew I could help. | ||
| So I would just take funny people and put them on. | ||
| And you still do it. | ||
| I still do. | ||
| Ally was on last week. | ||
| Oh my god, I love Ally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was awesome. | |
| So now everybody knows how funny she is. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's what we're all supposed to do. | ||
| We used to wait for a Tonight Show or we would wait for an HBO special. | ||
| That's what we used to wait for. | ||
| We don't have to do that anymore. | ||
| We help each other. | ||
| And it helps me too because then people trust me more. | ||
| They're like, oh, he knows funny people. | ||
| These people he gets on are funny. | ||
| I'm not trying to give you a bad show. | ||
| If I have someone on, it's It's like so many comedians get really famous and successful and stop hanging out with other comedians or stop helping other comedians. | ||
| We see it a lot. | ||
| Yeah, because everybody gets... | ||
| This is what it is. | ||
| I'll tell you because I felt it myself, but I just realized what it was and I stopped the thought process. | ||
| You get scared because you have so much. | ||
| You're like, oh my god, it's so much. | ||
| Everything's so much. | ||
| I want to keep this going in. | ||
| I want to keep this gravy train rolling. | ||
| I'm going to stop saying fucked up things. | ||
| Maybe I'm going to stop doing podcasts with comics and just concentrate on scientists. | ||
| You could really start thinking like that. | ||
| And I know people that have done it, and a lot of famous comedians, they get to a certain point, they don't want to take any chances anymore. | ||
| So they don't take chances with their material. | ||
| The things that got them to the dance, now they're avoiding. | ||
| Now they want to play it safer. | ||
| They want to slow it down a little bit. | ||
| It's just not good for you. | ||
| And I saw it, though. | ||
| I felt it. | ||
| I felt it as the podcast started ramping up. | ||
| You just gotta keep doing it. | ||
| The way to do it is you get high, you get drunk sometimes, you talk shit, you have fun. | ||
| Snort some K. You talk to scientists, you talk to really interesting people that are authors and adventurers. | ||
| You just do what you did. | ||
| That's all I'm doing. | ||
| But to be able to help comics is probably the best part of it. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| I love watching it happen. | ||
| I love watching people have a career, you know? | ||
| Because I know they can. | ||
| All of us that are good, you get to a certain point where you're making people laugh and you're good if you're dedicated to it, you can have a career. | ||
| You just need to somehow or another be... | ||
| Like, not even mentor, just someone opens the door for you. | ||
| Someone says, come on in. | ||
| Show everybody how cool you are. | ||
| And you also pioneered a sort of career and an art form that a lot of people wouldn't have known to do that have given them their livelihood. | ||
| A lot of comedians who weren't going to get that five-minute spot on The Tonight Show. | ||
| A lot of those comedians who weren't going to get that sitcom. | ||
| Like, you paved a new route for comics. | ||
| But also, what if you didn't have a podcast and then none of us had podcasts and then this fucking quarantine happened and we would just be like... | ||
| Like sitting around waiting for auditions or some shit. | ||
| Segura called me up. | ||
| He's like, thank God you talked me into doing a podcast. | ||
| Well, Donnell too. | ||
| Donnell was like, you started in the car right after or before you did your show. | ||
| You're truly feeding people's kids. | ||
| Everybody who's a comic. | ||
| You're feeding my eggs. | ||
| You're frozen eggs. | ||
| If you have the ability to do a podcast, why wouldn't you? | ||
| Why wouldn't you let people know more about how you think and more about what you're interested in? | ||
| It's so interesting, because my podcast is only like, I have like 30 something episodes and it's, you know, sometimes I interview and sometimes I don't, but there's people, it's all been all comics. | ||
| What's it called, Annie? | ||
|
unidentified
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Let her know. | |
| It's called Meanspiration. | ||
| We know you're very shy and you don't want to promote your stuff. | ||
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| I'm not aggressive. | ||
| No, but I want to start doing more. | ||
| There's these people who have therapy podcasts and stuff and these different types of people that I would love to interview. | ||
| I want to do more of the people that I love rather than just comedians or whatever. | ||
| I have a podcast too, but I'm pretty successful, so follow Annie's instead. | ||
| I have enough money. | ||
| This is what her podcast is called. | ||
| Bop, bop, bop. | ||
| It's called Good For You, but Annie needs it more, so give it to her. | ||
| Bop. | ||
| I have to pee so bad. | ||
| Okay, let's wrap this up. | ||
| Everybody has to pee. | ||
|
unidentified
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I love you. | |
| I love you too. | ||
| Thanks for doing this. | ||
|
unidentified
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Thank you so much. | |
| I'm glad you guys are going to do this podcast. | ||
| I'm going to help. | ||
| It's going to be good. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Can't wait. | ||
| Goodbye, everybody. |
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