Speaker | Time | Text |
---|---|---|
Hello, Allie. | ||
unidentified
|
Hi. | |
Oh, you fired up the vape? | ||
Is it the vape? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I brought two jewels. | ||
So you brought cigarettes, two jewels, and camels. | ||
Coffee and a smoothie. | ||
I wasn't sure what to expect. | ||
What was your worst case scenario? | ||
Oh my god, worst case scenario, I poop my pants right off the bat. | ||
Oh, have you done that before? | ||
Like when you get nervous? | ||
Not when I get nervous, but I used to, well only once in college. | ||
You pooped your pants? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Were you drinking? | ||
Yeah, I was hungover. | ||
I ate Chipotle. | ||
I ate Chipotle pretty much every day in college. | ||
That's not good for your brain. | ||
It was not good at all. | ||
Trying to learn? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Actually, Chipotle, like those bowls, they are pretty good. | ||
They're so good. | ||
Like if you get like one of those steak bowls with rice, like that's about as clean as you can eat. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Really. | ||
And in college it was nice because you could eat like half of a bowl and be like super full and then eat the other half later. | ||
And you can do the tricks of getting half steak, half chicken or something. | ||
unidentified
|
That's a trick. | |
That way they give you more. | ||
Oh, is that a trick? | ||
I don't think it is a trick. | ||
I think they have like a scooper. | ||
unidentified
|
It's kind of a trick. | |
They have a scooper, but if you say you want half this and half that, they're not going to put half in the scooper. | ||
They're putting a full scooper in there. | ||
And then you're getting a full pooper on the couch in college. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's hard to hear about the poop in the pants. | ||
It's alright. | ||
People are very embarrassed about that, but it does happen if you take chances. | ||
I feel like it happens to everyone. | ||
Everyone has a poop story, I hope. | ||
If you don't, I feel like you're just not taking enough chances with your diet. | ||
No, and it's like, I think everyone's poop story starts out with them being like, oh, I thought I was going to fart. | ||
unidentified
|
Mm. | |
And then it was not a fart. | ||
Yeah, that's in the car. | ||
That's when it happens. | ||
I was honestly on the drive up here. | ||
I had a little bit of gas and I was like, just wait until you're there. | ||
Hold it because you don't want to take any risks right now. | ||
So I, you know, it actually worked out. | ||
I let it out. | ||
There was a podcast once where I legitimately thought... | ||
Do you remember who it was? | ||
I legitimately thought I was going to shit my pants. | ||
I was pinching my abs down. | ||
I was crunching myself. | ||
I was like, listen, if I don't get out of here right now, I don't know if I'm going to make it. | ||
Do you remember who it was? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I might even set it on the air. | ||
Yeah, I remember it happening, but I don't remember who was in the room. | ||
I barely got out. | ||
It's kind of a nice feeling, though. | ||
I like that adrenaline rush of, like, I need to hold... | ||
It really tests my skills. | ||
Like cramming for a test. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, oh my god, there's not much time left. | ||
Yeah, I dropped out of college, so I feel like me trying to hold in a poop is the most cramming for a test I feel like I do now. | ||
That is a psychological thing, the cramming thing. | ||
They say that some people procrastinate until they know they have to, like, okay, I'm going to stay up all night. | ||
I'm a procrastinator. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Always. | ||
Most comics are. | ||
You think so? | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Look, we're all broken. | ||
We're all broken toys. | ||
And most comics, there's something about the laziness and the non-conformity and the unwillingness to do trudgery. | ||
Is that a word? | ||
I think so. | ||
Yeah, the unwillingness to do boring, mundane life choices, jobs. | ||
That's what leads people to comedy. | ||
Like, oh, maybe I can just talk shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I literally thought, I always knew I wanted to entertain people somehow. | ||
I didn't know exactly how until my senior year of high school, but before that I was like, maybe I'll be a singer or a comedian, you know? | ||
Well, you have a great voice. | ||
I have a decent voice. | ||
You have a very good voice. | ||
Thank you. | ||
And you use it in your act sometimes. | ||
I try. | ||
You do. | ||
You started doing stand-up, how old were you? | ||
I think I did my first open mic when I was like 17. But I didn't start then. | ||
There's only one other person I know, Olivia Grace. | ||
Yes, I love Olivia. | ||
I met her at, I think it was Brea. | ||
She came up to me and she was like 16. Yeah. | ||
And I was like, what? | ||
And she had been doing it since she was like 14 or 15. That's crazy. | ||
Crazy. | ||
She's very funny too. | ||
She's so funny. | ||
And super cool. | ||
Yeah so I when I started I was living in Long Beach at my parents house and so I would go back and forth between Orange County and LA and Olivia was in Orange County and she was like the first person my age kind of you know that I like met and so we became friends and I was like I was like you're so funny like it's so cool that she had already had so much time under her belt when I was like 18 you know yeah yeah it's crazy so that's a I didn't know you could start until you're 21 No, | ||
I didn't either. | ||
I had no idea. | ||
I also didn't know that open mics happened at coffee shops and bars and literally anywhere at all. | ||
Laundromats. | ||
When I started, I waited until my 21st birthday, but then I met my friend Robbie and he was 19. I was like, how did you get in? | ||
And they're like, they'll let you in, but you can't drink. | ||
I was like, oh. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Is that still the case? | ||
Like at the store? | ||
If they had a show, an open mic night? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Did they let you in? | ||
Well, when I started doing open mics for real, I was maybe 18, on the verge of 19 or something, and I would go to the comedy store. | ||
But I had already been doing open mics around town, so all the guys who worked at the comedy store as door guys knew me. | ||
They didn't know how old I was, so no one ever checked my ID, and I never talked about being young or anything. | ||
So I would just perform, hang out, And then when they found out I was under 21, I got kicked out for a year. | ||
And I couldn't perform there again. | ||
So I had already been doing Kill Tony. | ||
And then they found out? | ||
And then they found out. | ||
And so then I would do shows, do open mics, and then I would just come to the comedy store and hang out on the sidewalk. | ||
And just be like, hey guys, what's up? | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
And on my 21st birthday at midnight, I walked in. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
And I remember Red Band was there and George Perez and on my 21st birthday they each gave me $21. | ||
And then on my 22nd birthday I was at the Comedy Store and they gave me $22 and I was like, you guys better live for a long time. | ||
That's a crazy place to be when you're 21 years old, you know, to be around, I mean, just the people you just named, George Perez and Brian Redband, and you're 21, like, hello! | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, a little fawn. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, walking out to the field. | ||
I still feel like that. | ||
Well, that place is, I mean, especially when you're dealing with, you know, so many, like, you're going there, you're 21 years old, and you're just seeing Like Jessel Nick and all these big time headliners and Joey Diaz and Chris Rock shows up and Dave Chappelle's there and you're fucking 21. You're walking around going, this is crazy. | ||
Yeah, it felt so surreal just like being there and hanging out and feeling kind of like I was a part of it, you know, like in a small way. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, you were a part of it. | |
Yeah, I'm super grateful for Kill Tony, because I feel like that's what helped me become more ingrained in the scene at the store. | ||
Well, that's how I found out about you. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I found out about you through Kill Tony, and Tony kept raving about how good you were. | ||
And then I saw you do some sets. | ||
And your progression, it's kind of a hilarious story, like you opening for me. | ||
I know. | ||
Because you did a couple shows at the improv, a couple shows at the comedy store, and then I'm like, hey, you want to do Vegas? | ||
Well, no. | ||
What happened was you had been the guest on Kill Tony, and I was a regular, so you had seen one minute of my material, maybe two times. | ||
No, I'd seen you other times. | ||
I'd been in the room while you were doing stand-up a couple other times. | ||
But then you invited me. | ||
I remember Tony hit me up one day and he was like, hey, is it cool if I give Joe your phone number? | ||
And I was like, Joe. | ||
And he was like, Rogan. | ||
unidentified
|
I was like, what? | |
I was like, yeah, of course. | ||
And so then you text me. | ||
You were like, hey, do you want to do some shows at the improv with me this week? | ||
And I was like, yeah, of course. | ||
You're like, are you available? | ||
I'm like, I think I can be available for that. | ||
Well, I knew you were funny. | ||
You know, I mean, that's... | ||
How I do it. | ||
When I think someone's funny, I'm like, all right, let's see. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Let's see what they do in front of a packed house. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, with Joey Diaz and Duncan Trussell and Ari Shaffir and just like, let's see what's up. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Let's see what's up. | ||
And then I had been doing that for a couple months, I'd say, just like doing the hosting spot or like little opening spots at the improv and the comedy store. | ||
And then you were like, oh, I I was like, oh, I saw that you're going to be in Vegas this week. | ||
I think I'm going to drive and come watch you because I'd never seen you in a bigger venue than a comedy club. | ||
And you were like, okay, do you want to open? | ||
And I was like, well, I wasn't hoping you'd say that, but I was kind of hoping you'd say that. | ||
So you did Vegas. | ||
That was the coolest experience of my entire life still to this day. | ||
One of the highlights of my life. | ||
It was really fun. | ||
It was really fun. | ||
But you were so composed and so, like, on top of it, you crushed. | ||
And then I said, okay, do you want to do an arena? | ||
You went from... | ||
I mean, how many times have you been paid to do stand-up, other than the times opening for me and, you know, like, a couple little gigs on the road? | ||
Yeah, I mean, I never really got paid to do comedy, like, besides, like, drinks or, like, a couple bucks for gas. | ||
So you do the Mirage, which is like... | ||
I think the Mirage is 1,300 people or 1,200 people. | ||
It's a good-sized place. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Good-sized place. | ||
Then we do a fucking gigantic basketball arena... | ||
unidentified
|
You know what I think helped me with the Mirage? | |
Was in my head, I was like, 1200 is giant. | ||
I was like, this is going to be huge, crazy, and I over-hyped it so much that by the time I saw the venue, it was so beautiful and it felt intimate for some reason. | ||
Well, it's the most intimate place in Vegas in terms of those big theaters you can play. | ||
It's my favorite place in Vegas. | ||
I love it. | ||
Yeah, so as soon as I got there, I was like... | ||
I got this. | ||
I was doing bigger places there, and I came back to the Mirage just because it's a better setup. | ||
Yeah, and I feel like the people who run that place were really helpful. | ||
unidentified
|
They're awesome. | |
They're the best. | ||
They're the nicest folks, and they all love comedy. | ||
There you are. | ||
That's you, kid. | ||
Aw, Jamie was taking pictures. | ||
I was like, can you get more? | ||
My mom really wants to see me. | ||
Yeah, it's too bad you can't really see the audience in there, too. | ||
So then you go from that. | ||
What arena did we do? | ||
unidentified
|
We went to, I believe, Denver Was it Portland? | |
Oh, yeah, it was the Moda Center. | ||
Yeah, that place is fucking huge! | ||
Yeah, oh my god. | ||
And it was in the round. | ||
The first one was in the round. | ||
So there's literally people all around me. | ||
I'm like, I don't know where to stand. | ||
I don't know how to use the space of the stage. | ||
Yeah, that's like 13,000 or 14,000 people. | ||
Oh my gosh, yeah. | ||
It was bananas. | ||
But I told you after, I was like, you know what I hate about this? | ||
Is that this feels the best way to perform. | ||
I was like, this is where I feel the most myself. | ||
Well, it's definitely the biggest pop. | ||
The rush that you get from a big joke that kills in a 15,000-seat arena or whatever, it's bananas. | ||
The biggest I did was Chappelle and I did the Tacoma Dome. | ||
We did 25,000 people. | ||
That looked crazy. | ||
It was bonkers. | ||
When you would hear the laughs, they were deafening. | ||
It was 25,000 people screaming. | ||
unidentified
|
Was there an echo, a wave? | |
It's nuts. | ||
It's wild. | ||
Because I remember after the Moda Center, which is like an inside arena, then we did that outdoor amphitheater in the Bay Area. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Where the Grateful Dead played. | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
Yeah, that was fun too. | ||
That was fun, but that was cool because it was outdoors and I was like, there's a lawn? | ||
It was just crazy because when I was little I would always go to concerts and I would always watch the performer and I'd be like, I want to do that. | ||
So the first time I got to do the arena and the amphitheater I was like, I'm literally doing what I've always wanted to do. | ||
Yeah, those shows are fucking awesome, but I still think 200 people, that's the right size. | ||
Two to 300 people is the right size. | ||
Yeah, I agree. | ||
Like, if you wanted it, there's nothing wrong with those shows. | ||
They're awesome. | ||
I love doing arenas. | ||
But, you know, like the original rooms, like 190 people, that shit is perfect. | ||
Yeah. | ||
When everything's popping... | ||
I like the 200, 300 range, or even smaller, because that's when you get the honest feedback. | ||
And I think that's why it's fun to also do the arena or amphitheater, because it's the jokes that you've been working on that you know work. | ||
And so you're getting the response that you want from those jokes, and you kind of almost expect that response. | ||
But when you're doing the smaller, intimate shows, that's when you get the pause where you're like, huh, maybe that joke needs tweaking, or you can figure out. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And that way, when you do get a pop in a smaller room, you're like, oh, that really works. | ||
Yeah, small crowds late at night, that's when you find out if you're full of shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because you get to see the fat in your act. | ||
You get to see the clunky fucking, those weird segues that you do. | ||
Or when you act something out and it seems cheap and stupid, you're like, oh my god, you're just doing it in front of three people. | ||
You're like, oh, this material's terrible. | ||
Yeah, that's why I liked working at the comedy store, because you'd have to be there until the last person's offstage. | ||
How much comedy have you done during the quarantine? | ||
I've done a decent amount of Zoom shows, and then... | ||
How weird are those? | ||
They're weird. | ||
I kind of just like... | ||
I think I grew up always being on the internet and interacting with strangers online, so I felt like I was prepared for something like a Zoom show, and I also was like, okay, don't look... | ||
Don't expect to get anything out of this or get the same feeling out of this. | ||
Like, just have fun. | ||
Engage with the people watching as best you can and, like, see where it goes. | ||
Have no expectations. | ||
It's just something to do, right? | ||
unidentified
|
But it fucking sucks. | |
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, it fucking blows. | ||
Mark Norman said it best. | ||
He said, like, it's like methadone comedy. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
He was talking about how he did stand-up in the park. | ||
Yes, I was watching his YouTube, Park Normand. | ||
So good. | ||
But it's, you know, we're all like desperate to get back. | ||
In LA, we're not doing any comedy, but New York is doing stand-up again. | ||
Yeah, I've seen that. | ||
Yeah, which is crazy. | ||
I feel like I'm starting to see some shows. | ||
My friends are doing some shows outdoors here. | ||
So I don't know. | ||
I'm kind of hopeful, but I'm also like, if I get an offer to go to a state that's open and doing comedy, I would take it. | ||
Are you taking vitamins? | ||
Are you taking care of yourself? | ||
You just tested negative. | ||
I just tested negative. | ||
You don't have the vid. | ||
I don't got the COVID, but I've been getting tested a lot because my sister just moved to Arizona last year. | ||
So I've been going out there a lot, which is hot for the Rona. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And so I've been getting tested really frequently. | ||
Whenever they say it's hot for the Rona, I always wonder, what makes some place hotter than others? | ||
Why are other places more susceptible? | ||
What's going on there? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Well, I guess with Arizona, everything's open. | ||
It's almost like Corona never happened there. | ||
Yeah, they don't give a fuck. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Well, that's a wild west town. | ||
I know. | ||
I told them. | ||
I'm like, they're the COVID cowboys. | ||
They're wearing maskless chaps. | ||
They have open carry. | ||
Like, you could have a gun in your pocket and just walk into a store. | ||
I did a show in Arizona. | ||
I was like, what are you guys going to do? | ||
Shoot COVID when you see it? | ||
Is that your defense? | ||
Well, in their defense, like, they're on the border of Mexico, and that is a place that has literally changed very little since people came across the fucking country and covered wagons. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, that's Arizona. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Arizona, like, Phoenix is as big as it gets. | ||
I love Arizona. | ||
It's great! | ||
I love it there. | ||
I love it. | ||
It's so beautiful. | ||
There's so much to do. | ||
I filmed my 2005 special there. | ||
Okay, Bragg. | ||
I love it there. | ||
I've been going there forever. | ||
I just love that Tempe Improv. | ||
That place is great. | ||
Dude, Tempe is my favorite! | ||
That was the first place I headlined. | ||
And Casey, the manager there, one of the best people ever. | ||
I feel like every comedy club manager should take a class under Casey because... | ||
He's like so compassionate and he gets it and he's like not full of bullshit. | ||
He's just like an honest, caring dude. | ||
I feel like he runs that club so well. | ||
Well, that place has a history of cool people running it because Adam Egott used to be there. | ||
Yeah, and Paige from the improv. | ||
Yep, that's where I met both of them. | ||
I think I met Paige there. | ||
Yeah, I think I met Paige there. | ||
I just feel bad for those people now. | ||
Oh, you're taking the... | ||
I was like, what's that sound? | ||
How addicted to those things are you? | ||
So addicted. | ||
Completely addicted. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, when I was at my mom's house during lockdown, my mom's a smoker. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
I know. | ||
It's this weird thing when they get to be a certain age and they're still smoking all the time. | ||
unidentified
|
I know. | |
Like, ooh, you are on the edge, huh? | ||
Well, she was trying to read that book, Alan Carr's book, to stop smoking. | ||
How about just stop smoking? | ||
Well, I guess if you've been doing it all your life, I don't know. | ||
Take up another hobby. | ||
I know. | ||
You'll have to talk to her. | ||
We'll get her on the pod. | ||
No one's going to listen. | ||
Yeah, no. | ||
When you're in it, you're in it, you know? | ||
But when I was with her, she was smoking and I'm like, I don't want to be smoking. | ||
Because my mom always says, don't smoke, it's bad. | ||
And I've just been smoking since I was like 17. But I quit for two months off the Juul, off cigarettes. | ||
unidentified
|
When did you do that? | |
At the beginning of lockdown for two months. | ||
So why'd you start back up again? | ||
Because then I came back home to LA and I was like, What was the first one like? | ||
Did you know that you were being a loser? | ||
unidentified
|
No! | |
When you were reaching for that first one? | ||
No, because in my head I'm like, it's just one hit of the jewel. | ||
I'm fine. | ||
I'm not going to get addicted again. | ||
I got this. | ||
And then a couple more times I hit my friend's jewel and I was like, I need to buy my own. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what happened with cigarettes. | ||
Like, I wasn't addicted. | ||
Like, I think people think that if you smoke one cigarette, you're going to be addicted. | ||
And that's not the case. | ||
I smoked one and I was fine. | ||
No, I've smoked one multiple times before shows. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I started with Tony. | ||
I smoked one of Tony's before a show, back when Tony used to smoke. | ||
And I was like, dude, this gives you a crazy rush. | ||
You smoked mine in St. Louis or St. Paul or something, and you were buzzing. | ||
I took some cigarettes from Dave Chappelle when we did shows together. | ||
A cigarette before a show gets you buzzed. | ||
A cigar doesn't quite get you that buzzed. | ||
You gotta inhale. | ||
And I think there's whatever funky chemicals they put in those cigarettes to get you addicted. | ||
Those are good. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They're so yummy. | ||
Those chemists are fucking... | ||
They know what they're doing. | ||
They do. | ||
It's so yummy. | ||
Unfortunately, they kill people. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's crazy that no one's trying to stop it, but yet it kills half a million people a year. | ||
That's what's bizarre. | ||
Everybody's worried about COVID. COVID has killed less than 200,000 people. | ||
Cigarettes have killed, probably in the same time of COVID, more than 200,000 people. | ||
It's always crazy when you find out someone's family member or friend got lung cancer and never smoked. | ||
That always freaks me out. | ||
Yeah, you can get lung cancer. | ||
You can get lung cancer from toxins in the air, you can get lung cancer from genetics, you can get environmental shit if you work in a factory that has a lot of weird fumes. | ||
But there's also so many things that kill people, like fast food is so unhealthy. | ||
I love that too. | ||
What's your go-to? | ||
unidentified
|
Taco Bell. | |
Really? | ||
You like eating garbage. | ||
I love garbage. | ||
That's why you're shitting your pants all the time. | ||
It was once, okay? | ||
Only once? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I've shitting my pants at least once this month. | ||
You've got a couple more years on me. | ||
Yeah, yeah, but I mean I also eat like a lot of meat. | ||
Yeah, doesn't that make you shit? | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
It's crazy. | ||
Does meat give you loose stools? | ||
Oh my god, it gives you the most ridiculous diarrhea. | ||
Like, I told Tom Segura, you gotta try this carnivore diet because he was trying to lose weight, and I lost 12 pounds in a month. | ||
I got shredded. | ||
But isn't that kind of unhealthy to lose that much weight in a month? | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
It felt great. | ||
Okay. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I really don't know. | ||
I was going to get my blood work done, but then I had to travel, and then the COVID hit. | ||
I was like, oh, Christ. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I forget what my excuse was. | ||
I had an excuse. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Not a good one, but I had an excuse. | ||
Do you ever eat fast food? | ||
Oh, when you called me yesterday, you were at In-N-Out. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
You had the craziest order. | ||
Well- I thought you were feeding your whole family with your order. | ||
He was on speaker. | ||
He was like, yeah, can I get like 12 flying Dutchmen? | ||
No, four. | ||
I just had four flying Dutchmen. | ||
It's not that much meat. | ||
I guess. | ||
Is that one patty or two? | ||
Two patties with cheese. | ||
So that's a total of eight patties? | ||
Yes. | ||
Okay. | ||
Gotta feed all this meat, you know? | ||
Do you eat like three meals a day? | ||
No. | ||
One. | ||
Generally, I eat very light in the morning. | ||
Usually, unless I have a really hard workout. | ||
And then, like this morning, I just had eggs. | ||
Just a couple, like three eggs. | ||
Yeah. | ||
How do you cook them? | ||
Fry. | ||
Fried eggs. | ||
I thought that I would know how to cook eggs at this point in my life. | ||
You know, I'm 24. That's something that's pretty basic. | ||
You don't know how to do it? | ||
I keep fucking up eggs. | ||
How do you fuck that up? | ||
I get really impatient, and so I put the heat on the pan way too high, and then the eggs are just, like, fried instantly. | ||
But I've gotten better. | ||
I'm getting better. | ||
But I don't think I could fry eggs. | ||
This is not that complicated. | ||
You know, you have a very minor issue that you're complaining about here. | ||
So I eat that, you know, I'll eat like a light breakfast before workout, and then I work out, and then I won't eat until dinner. | ||
I usually eat twice a day. | ||
Okay. | ||
And I eat a large dinner. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I see it on your Instagram. | ||
Well, you've seen me eat live. | ||
Yeah, in real time. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I eat a lot. | ||
It's an experience. | ||
It's like going to the zoo and feeding a giraffe. | ||
You're like, whoa! | ||
Well, people don't believe it. | ||
When I go to a restaurant and I order two entrees, the waiters are like, what are you doing? | ||
You're not going to eat all that. | ||
I'm like, just watch me, bitch. | ||
It's fun going out to eat with you, because when I was growing up, I have two older sisters, and my dad was kind of a single dad, shopped food on a budget. | ||
And so he'd be like, you know the drill, no soda, water only, like the bare minimum. | ||
So then when we get to go out after shows and eat, I'm like, I can get two entrees if I want and an appetizer? | ||
Yeah, that is the good thing about growing up poor is that you really appreciate when, you know, you get good stuff. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't want to say I grew up poor, but we weren't like, you know. | ||
Right, you weren't starving. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, I grew up, you know, I mean, we weren't starving either, but we were poor. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, we were on welfare when I was a kid. | ||
We drank powdered milk, you know, the whole deal. | ||
We're on food stamps. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm on food stamps now. | ||
Are you? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's so crazy. | ||
I know. | ||
I'm on unemployment. | ||
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
It's crazy. | ||
How much are they giving you? | ||
How much do they give you for unemployment? | ||
I think you have to like put in all of your information and like you know whatever and so I think I'm getting like $400 a week. | ||
The good news is you're living with your mom, right? | ||
No, I'm living at my house. | ||
Oh, you are? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You were with your mom for a little while? | ||
Yeah, but I kept my place because I was like, who knows how long this is going to last, who knows if I want to stay at my mom's house, whatever. | ||
It's nice to know I have that as an option because my parents live in the greater Los Angeles area. | ||
I read that there was a ban on evictions and forcing people to pay rent. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But that's going to go up September 1st. | ||
They're going to force people to start paying again. | ||
I've just been paying my rent. | ||
But what happens to those people if you have five months of back rent and the rent is $3,000 a month or something? | ||
That's crazy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And all of a sudden you have to pay it all? | ||
Yeah, it makes no sense. | ||
That's why I was like, I'm going to pay mine now because who knows how much money I'm going to have saved up after this, so I might as well just pay. | ||
Luckily, my rent is cheap, so it's manageable. | ||
And if I ever was in a pinch, I know my parents would help me out. | ||
How long did you think this was going to last? | ||
Everyone was saying it was going to last like three months, but I was like, this is going to last longer. | ||
There's no way things are just going to be like, okay, if we do this, it's all going to go back to normal. | ||
It just felt too big for it to be over that quickly. | ||
Well, I was optimistic, unfortunately. | ||
I really did think it was going to be three months. | ||
I thought it was going to be two months, really. | ||
I was like, look, you get sick, and then you're only sick for like a week, right? | ||
So if everybody just stays home, the people that are sick will get better. | ||
People won't get infected. | ||
This is simple. | ||
I just feel like Americans are so, like, don't tell me what to do. | ||
Yes. | ||
And America's such a big country. | ||
How would you expect everyone to be on the same page? | ||
Well, it's a big country. | ||
We're all crazy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And we travel around a lot. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, and spit in each other's face. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And here you go. | ||
Here we are, five months later. | ||
Is it five now? | ||
Yeah, right? | ||
Yeah, it's five months. | ||
Five fucking months. | ||
No end in sight. | ||
Do you feel like it's gone by fast or slow for you? | ||
Slow. | ||
It doesn't feel good. | ||
I don't like it. | ||
I'm not worried about myself. | ||
I'm worried about other people and I'm worried about the city. | ||
I'm worried about the economic aspects of this as much as I'm worried about the health aspects of it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because it just, I don't know how, look, when people get sick, they get better, right? | ||
Hopefully. | ||
But when a city gets that far gone, like as far as LA is right now, I don't know how a city bounces back. | ||
I've never seen it happen. | ||
I've seen cities that used to be big. | ||
Have you ever been to Detroit? | ||
Do we ever do a gig in Detroit? | ||
Detroit is interesting. | ||
Because Detroit used to be one of the most wealthy cities in the world. | ||
At one point in time, during the height of the auto industry, you'd go to Detroit and it was fucking crazy. | ||
Cadillacs and Camaros and Corvettes and it was beautiful and everybody was making money and it was just amazing. | ||
Now Detroit is sketchy as fuck. | ||
Isn't it getting... | ||
Coming back a little bit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
A little bit, but when you drive through Detroit, you could buy a house for like five bucks. | ||
Crazy. | ||
The guys from Top Gear, they have a new show now. | ||
It's called The Grand Tour. | ||
Is that what it's called? | ||
unidentified
|
Something. | |
Grand Tour. | ||
They bought homes in Detroit. | ||
They went to Detroit and just bought houses. | ||
They bought a house for like $2,000. | ||
And then they were showing what you can buy for $2,000, and then they were driving their cars crazy around it. | ||
So crazy. | ||
I think once I make a good amount of money, the first thing I'm going to do is invest. | ||
Move to Detroit. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Move to Detroit. | ||
No, I think I would invest in real estate. | ||
That's what everyone says, right? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Don't listen to everyone. | ||
Okay. | ||
Yeah, I mean, investing in real estate is generally a good idea if you do it in the right place. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
But, you know, I don't know. | ||
Just keep kicking ass. | ||
I remember when COVID first started, I hit you up. | ||
I was like, Joe, I'm scared. | ||
Do you have a guest house? | ||
And you're like, I'm scared too. | ||
I'm like, that's not the answer I was looking for. | ||
I was scared in the beginning. | ||
If you're scared, I'm scared. | ||
In the beginning I was real scared. | ||
First of all, the information you get from China is so filtered by the Communist Party or the Chinese government. | ||
So who is telling the truth? | ||
How bad is this? | ||
And then when you see them driving on the street with those big tanks spraying the houses, did you ever see those videos from China? | ||
No, I don't. | ||
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Like big Lysol trucks? | ||
Looks like Ghostbusters. | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
I was like, this is not good. | ||
No. | ||
What are they doing? | ||
And then you were getting information from cruise ships that were saying that it lasts up to 17 days just on surfaces. | ||
I'm like, oh my God, we're fucked. | ||
I know. | ||
This is a superbug. | ||
I was on a cruise at the beginning of the year, so I got it out of the way. | ||
You were on a cruise? | ||
Yeah, I got booked to perform on a rave cruise. | ||
Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
And I was like, this might be the worst experience of my life, but there's no way I can pass up on having that, you know? | ||
Was it good? | ||
It was so fun. | ||
unidentified
|
It honestly like changed my life. | |
I was like, first of all, who goes on a rave cruise? | ||
Second of all, who goes to see comedy on a rave cruise? | ||
And so I was like, I need to bring a friend. | ||
So I brought my friend Danny and I was like, he's going to be the perfect person to have whether this is the best or the worst time. | ||
And we pull up to the port in Miami and it's like 11am and there's people in like blue wigs and fishnets drinking like Jack Daniel. | ||
Oh! | ||
Oh, that's me. | ||
Look at that smile. | ||
You look so happy. | ||
I was. | ||
And look at everybody has no mask on. | ||
No mask. | ||
This was, oh, what a good time. | ||
The old days. | ||
Look at it. | ||
It looks like I have abs in that picture. | ||
When do you think we're going to go back? | ||
This is January 21st. | ||
This is right before the world ended. | ||
Yeah. | ||
When do you think we're going to go back to no masks? | ||
Do you think some people are just going to wear masks forever now? | ||
I think so, yeah. | ||
I watched this Japanese reality show, and it's so good. | ||
It's called Terrace House, and they just film people in this house. | ||
It's beautiful. | ||
And people over there wear masks when they're sick. | ||
That's just always been a thing. | ||
And so I think maybe that's something that'll be implemented. | ||
Well, they did a really good job in stopping COVID because of that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Just because they wear masks all the time. | ||
They didn't stop their businesses. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They didn't close down. | ||
And I think only a thousand people died. | ||
Yeah. | ||
See if that's true. | ||
I think that's the number. | ||
And they're starting to have resurgence in cases, unfortunately. | ||
But that's what happens. | ||
And now everyone's like losing their hair. | ||
What? | ||
They are? | ||
Yeah, I heard that. | ||
What, Melissa Milano? | ||
And other people. | ||
I think with her, she might have a little stress in her life. | ||
Stress, yeah. | ||
She seems like a little high strung. | ||
That lady needs a joint. | ||
What is that? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Recovered 35,000. | ||
1,000 deaths. | ||
That's amazing. | ||
1,073 deaths in Japan. | ||
That's amazing. | ||
That's incredible. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's incredible. | ||
I mean, how do they do that? | ||
I don't know. | ||
And look at their big spike. | ||
The big spike is like towards the end of, it looks like April 22nd. | ||
Do you think that this is like mostly accurate as best? | ||
I think Japan is honest. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, they're just very disciplined. | ||
You know, they're very disciplined and they follow order. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, like if you, have you ever gone? | ||
No, I want to. | ||
It's beautiful. | ||
Well, I wanted to. | ||
It's really interesting. | ||
I love when people are just human beings, but they have a whole different way of doing things. | ||
Like you go, they're like, oh, look how they do it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You walk down the street, everybody's like real polite. | ||
Like nobody's bumping into each other, yelling at each other. | ||
It's like very orderly. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And you know, it's interesting. | ||
It's like really packed with people, but there's no litter. | ||
Yeah. | ||
What's your favorite country you've been to? | ||
Well, I'm a big fan of America. | ||
I love Canada. | ||
I've never been. | ||
I mean, I guess that's kind of a country that's separate from us because you could walk over there, but I mean, you could walk to Mexico too. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I love Canada perform. | ||
They're so nice up there. | ||
They're like America, but I always say with 20% less douchebags. | ||
That's nice. | ||
They're fucking nice. | ||
They're really nice. | ||
And it's cold. | ||
So it violates my dickhead cold weather theory. | ||
I used to have a dickhead cold weather theory because I grew up in Boston. | ||
I was like, why is everybody so dickheads here? | ||
Because it's fucking freezing. | ||
But it's not because Canada's colder than that and they're nice. | ||
If you go from Boston to Montreal, it'll ruin your dickhead cold weather theory. | ||
Because I'm like, well, it's fucking colder here and people are nice. | ||
Maybe it gets so cold that they're forced to be nice. | ||
Yeah, because they're all struggling. | ||
They have to stay together. | ||
Have you been to Montreal? | ||
No, I've never been to Canada. | ||
Oh, you've got to go. | ||
It's awesome. | ||
I was hoping to do new faces this year. | ||
But if I had a bail off the continental North America, if I had to get out of this spot, I would go to Australia. | ||
I love Australia. | ||
Really? | ||
I've never been, but it's not a place that I'm super dying to go to. | ||
I really want to go to New Zealand. | ||
I would go there too. | ||
I've never been, but it looks amazing. | ||
Road trip! | ||
They just had four new cases. | ||
They had no cases. | ||
They're pretty impressive. | ||
But Australia, the first thing I would do if I did move there is try to convince them to drive on the right side of the road. | ||
I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
It's weird. | ||
Why are you over here with you staring on the wrong side? | ||
How did that happen? | ||
What happened when we came over to America was someone just like, let's just switch it all up. | ||
Everybody's jealous of us because we're the shit. | ||
unidentified
|
Instead of like, they do it like that, we're going to do it like this. | |
Do you know why though, honestly? | ||
No, that's why I'm asking. | ||
The reason why is they drive on the left side of the road because if you were a knight and you were in combat, you would want to have your enemy on your right side. | ||
So if you were riding towards them, you would want to have your enemy so you could slash at them with your dominant arm. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's also why when you shake someone's hand, you shake someone's hand with your right hand. | ||
Because that's your dominant arm, supposedly. | ||
So that's your sword arm. | ||
So these are all sword people. | ||
They're all fucking barbarians. | ||
What type of cars were knights driving? | ||
Like a Cadillac, Escalade? | ||
They were on horses, honey. | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
unidentified
|
Got it. | |
When they'd run up to each other and stab each other, they would want to do it with their right arm. | ||
So they'd want the enemy to be on the right side of them. | ||
Crazy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So they were on the left side of the road. | ||
Hmm. | ||
It's weird to think that that's like... | ||
I might have made that up, by the way. | ||
Maybe. | ||
You know, I just trust... | ||
I have blind faith. | ||
I'm like, I know less, so I'll just take that as a fact. | ||
Yeah, I still talk like the days before the internet. | ||
I just start saying shit, and I'm not sure if I fully researched it. | ||
I know. | ||
But that's the crazy thing about the internet, is I feel so confused all the time. | ||
You can with many things. | ||
With many subjects, you can get really confused. | ||
Is that a fact? | ||
I mean, I'm pretty sure that's right, but I know America drives on the right because we're like, fuck that. | ||
We're not driving on the left. | ||
We invented cars, bro. | ||
unidentified
|
Did we? | |
Fuck that, we're driving on the right. | ||
unidentified
|
Detroit. | |
Ford, motherfucker. | ||
But it's an anti-drive on the left is why we drive on the right. | ||
It's because they drive on the left is why we drive on the right kind of. | ||
You know what I'm saying? | ||
Yeah, we're like the younger sibling who's like, fuck you, we do it our own way. | ||
Oh, that's how you drive with horses? | ||
Well, with cars. | ||
We're gonna just flip it. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I mean, what is the reason why they decided to drive on the right? | ||
There's got to be a reason. | ||
That's what I'm saying. | ||
It's like colonization. | ||
Just to be different? | ||
In the early colonization of North America, English driving customs were followed and the colonies drove on the left. | ||
Ah, after gaining independence from it. | ||
That makes sense. | ||
They were anxious to cast off all remaining links with their British colonial past and gradually changed to right-hand driving. | ||
Aha! | ||
That makes sense. | ||
Have you ever, did you, when you were in Australia, did you like rent a car and drive yourself on the left side? | ||
No, I have never driven a car on the left-hand side. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I remember reading about Matthew Broderick, and he was over in Ireland, I believe, and he got in a fatal car crash, smashed into someone, and the speculation was that he was on the wrong side of the road, like he was coming home from the set, and then he fucked up. | ||
I remember reading that, I don't know if that's the case, but I do know he was in a bad car crash, and I was like, oh my god, you gotta be... | ||
On your fucking P's and Q's if you're driving the left side of the road. | ||
Do you know when you're driving, you get in that weird auto mode where you just... | ||
You ever be in your car and then all of a sudden... | ||
I don't know how I get home sometimes. | ||
How did I get here? | ||
Do you text and drive? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
No, I do not. | ||
I do not. | ||
It's too tempting. | ||
I have a little slot in my car for my phone. | ||
It just goes right in there. | ||
I don't do shit. | ||
In every car you have, you have a slot? | ||
Well, in the car that I drive the most. | ||
The Tess? | ||
The Tesla's a slot. | ||
But the thing I like to do is this. | ||
I like to do, hey Siri, text Ally Makovsky. | ||
And I'm like, what would you like to say? | ||
And then that kind of shit. | ||
Did your phone go off and I said, hey Siri? | ||
People get mad at you. | ||
Like, if they listen to the podcast, they get mad. | ||
I have, like, an iPhone, too, so I don't have to worry about it. | ||
It's fine. | ||
Half the time, it's dirty. | ||
Oh, that? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Why don't we... | ||
Well, we're not replacing in the new studio. | ||
Are you going to visit us in Texas? | ||
unidentified
|
Duh! | |
Duh! | ||
I was like, when you called me yesterday, I was like, maybe he, like, wants me to, like, move with him. | ||
And then you're like, don't do the podcast. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm like, fine, I guess I'll stay in LA. Well, once everything's up and running. | |
I'll babysit. | ||
Okay. | ||
Well, good. | ||
I've got nothing over here. | ||
My daughter likes you. | ||
I know. | ||
She's so cute. | ||
Adorable. | ||
She's so cute. | ||
I was like, are you on TikTok? | ||
That's like how I, whenever I meet a young person, I'm like, are you on TikTok? | ||
I know the dances. | ||
The Chinese government is watching you. | ||
Do you think they're actually going to ban it? | ||
Yes. | ||
I think they're going to force a sale. | ||
That's what I think. | ||
I think probably some big American tech company is going to buy it. | ||
Because there was a group of software... | ||
I don't know if a group or some software engineer that back-engineered TikTok. | ||
And they said, this is the worst application we've ever seen in terms of violation of privacy. | ||
It's the worst. | ||
It tracks fucking everything. | ||
And they send that information directly to the Chinese government. | ||
So they're data mining. | ||
Is it bad that I... Don't give a fuck? | ||
Don't give a fuck? | ||
Should I care more that people are taking my privacy? | ||
This is how I feel about that. | ||
Okay, tell me. | ||
You are a 24-year-old stand-up comedian. | ||
25 next month. | ||
So you're like, what am I going to do? | ||
What are you going to do? | ||
What are you going to find out where I shit? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Are you going to find out where I take naps? | ||
I keep my laptop on with the camera on when I'm pooping just in case. | ||
If the government's watching, I want them to get the full range of me. | ||
I feel like if they're paying attention to hedge fund guys who are trying to overthrow governments, they're paying attention to important shit. | ||
They don't care about me? | ||
What do we do? | ||
unidentified
|
I know nothing. | |
We talk shit. | ||
The people that think that the government's watching everything you do are like, bro, you're boring. | ||
They're not paying attention to you. | ||
I guarantee you they're not. | ||
But... | ||
They're probably watching you, don't you think? | ||
Yeah, they're watching me. | ||
They listen to everything I say, I'm sure. | ||
But I say everything publicly. | ||
Yeah. | ||
The things that get me in the most trouble, I say right here. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You're just talking shit. | ||
But, you know, that's the business. | ||
The business is the talking shit business. | ||
Yeah. | ||
What are you going to do? | ||
But that's the thing, to get back to, like, being so confused about information now, because there's so much information, I don't know what to believe. | ||
Isn't it crazy, like, having a podcast and then, like, saying something and being like, I don't know if that's right? | ||
Well, that's what Jamie's for. | ||
Jamie! | ||
unidentified
|
Jamie's the best. | |
Jamie pulls things up all the time that I thought were right. | ||
I know, I've always wanted to. | ||
Actually... | ||
Actually, you're wrong. | ||
Well, I mean, if you're coming to me as your major source of information, you are already fucked. | ||
If I say something that I absolutely know to be sure, I will say that I absolutely know this to be sure. | ||
And if I say something and I go, I don't know if that's true, please Google it. | ||
I'm not supposed to be a source of information. | ||
I'm just not. | ||
It's not my thing. | ||
You just have a lot of information. | ||
Whether it's factual or not. | ||
I'm a shit talker. | ||
That's what I am. | ||
A professional shit talker. | ||
I talk shit. | ||
Eight out of ten times, I don't even mean what I say. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's the crazy thing too about the internet is that some people will just like assume that everything you say is real and it's like, no, there's some, you know, there's some like... | ||
I'm going to put this up later. | ||
Here, I'll send this to you, Jamie, right now. | ||
This is Tim when he was getting his COVID test. | ||
This is something that I'm sure people are going to be pissed about. | ||
But this is a perfect example of what I like. | ||
I don't need everyone to be serious or telling the truth. | ||
And I like the fact that I can tell the difference. | ||
And I like when people say outrageous shit that they don't really mean. | ||
And that's one of the things that frustrates me the most about this internet culture is that people love to take something like that Tim Dillon would say in this clip and put it in quotes and pretend that he really means it. | ||
Play that. | ||
And have it totally out of context. | ||
Oh, it's actually a fairly large video. | ||
You got it? | ||
Oh, you got it. | ||
Put it up there and then give us some volume. | ||
This is Tim Dillon taking his COVID test. | ||
Here we go. | ||
I'll put it on the internet after the podcast. | ||
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
How's that, buddy? | ||
I don't like it. | ||
You don't like it? | ||
unidentified
|
I don't like it. | |
This disease doesn't exist. | ||
What? | ||
This is outrageous. | ||
I can't even put this on the internet. | ||
This does not exist. | ||
It's fake. | ||
Oh, no. | ||
See, now, there's a lot of people that would be like, that's Jamie. | ||
unidentified
|
He added his emoji. | |
But it's like... | ||
There's so many people that are like, you know how many fucking people died? | ||
unidentified
|
147,000 Americans! | |
That's what they would do. | ||
They would take that clip, and they'd go, oh, you're yucking it up? | ||
unidentified
|
Ha, ha, ha. | |
Grandma's dead. | ||
Yeah, what are we supposed to do? | ||
Be sad about Grandma all the time? | ||
All the time. | ||
All the time. | ||
24-7. | ||
We're supposed to be sad. | ||
Everything's supposed to be serious. | ||
Humorless fucks who spend all day complaining about things. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But I get it. | ||
Because there's no work. | ||
Yeah. | ||
What are you going to do? | ||
Like, of course it's sad, but that's like why comedy is so important and to make light of things and be ridiculous. | ||
Because it's like there needs to be a balance. | ||
For sure. | ||
That's what we do. | ||
And it's also like what we enjoy. | ||
Like one of the things about the Comedy Store is that I enjoyed the most is like going there and people would go like talk shit to you. | ||
You really wearing that? | ||
Like what? | ||
Are you really wearing that? | ||
And then all of a sudden it'd be like a roast fest. | ||
You'd be standing there like, what did I do? | ||
And then you're shitting on my clothes or shitting on my shoes or, you know, it's like, it's fun. | ||
It's fun. | ||
Like in saying things you don't mean are fun. | ||
I remember when it was like me, you, and Santino out somewhere and we were getting brunch and I was like wearing a shirt and you're like, what the fuck is that tattoo on your arm? | ||
And I was like, what's that tattoo on your arm? | ||
We were just going back and forth. | ||
That's dumb. | ||
What does that mean? | ||
You had that at a thrift store? | ||
What is that tattoo? | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
I forget. | ||
It's a rowboat with a flower in it. | ||
Mmm. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
I got it for 10 bucks. | ||
I won a raffle. | ||
That's a good deal. | ||
It stays with you forever. | ||
Yeah. | ||
When you're 80 years. | ||
It's not even going to look like that. | ||
Today it's a thousand dollars. | ||
My friend got a tattoo gun on Amazon. | ||
You know that anyone can just buy a tattoo gun on Amazon? | ||
You can just start tattooing yourself. | ||
Oh my god, you tattooed your palm? | ||
I saw the Post Malone episode and I was like, I gotta get another tap before I come on. | ||
Were you thinking about getting one in your cheek? | ||
No, not yet. | ||
Would you do like a little star? | ||
I have thought about a face tattoo. | ||
Right above your eyebrow? | ||
Like a tiny little one over here. | ||
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
Maybe. | ||
There's been multiple face tattoos on this podcast. | ||
And you know the one I forgot? | ||
Who? | ||
Mike Tyson. | ||
I forgot he has a face tattoo. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I forgot. | ||
A prominent one. | ||
The first one, though, was Kat Von D. She was number one. | ||
She has a gang of them. | ||
She's got little stars all over the place. | ||
And then the second one... | ||
Was the second one Tyson? | ||
Who else? | ||
You had Kat Von D on? | ||
Well, yes. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Early in the day. | ||
She's awesome. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But Travis Barker probably has the most tattoos. | ||
He's so talented. | ||
He's a great guy, too. | ||
He's like a legend. | ||
He's so cool. | ||
He's such a sweetheart of a person, like a really genuinely nice guy. | ||
But he's got face, head, neck, everything. | ||
He was on his Instagram the other day getting new tattoos. | ||
He's like, I'm out of space. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So they're just like drawing over old tattoos, like new writing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Do you think he'd get, like, a skin graft just so he can do, like, a new... | ||
Well, he's actually had skin grafts. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Because he had a plane crash. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't think he would. | ||
Skin grafts are fucking painful. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But he's got everything covered. | ||
Yeah, I had a skin graft once. | ||
Have you ever had one? | ||
Oh. | ||
He's got literally them everywhere. | ||
He's got them everywhere. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, yeah, everywhere. | ||
Like, top of his head, all the way down, his hands, his arms, his legs, everything's tattooed. | ||
Like, see if you can find the video. | ||
The video's kind of crazy. | ||
I have a weird amount of tattoos where I'm like, I feel like I'm playing blackjack right now. | ||
I'm like, should I quit? | ||
Yeah, look. | ||
He's out of space. | ||
Damn. | ||
It's everywhere. | ||
Under his chin. | ||
There's still some face room. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Some cheeks. | ||
Well, there was a fake picture that somebody, it might have been him, that he posted of his face fully tattooed. | ||
It was like, damn, he might have went all in. | ||
But it was fake. | ||
unidentified
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How old were you when you got your first tattoo? | |
23, maybe? | ||
Do you remember what it was? | ||
Yeah, I still have it. | ||
It's like a demon with a jester's hat on. | ||
Nice. | ||
Stupid. | ||
I know. | ||
All my tattoos are so stupid. | ||
It's there to remind me that I used to be a moron. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I feel like that's what these are. | ||
I'm like, you know what? | ||
You're going to be a different person. | ||
Well, I'm still a moron, but I'm definitely less of a moron than when I was 23. Yeah. | ||
That's why I really liked being at the store and having people like you and Tony and Santino and just all the people there. | ||
Because for me, being a young person in comedy, I'm always like, were you guys bad when you first started? | ||
Oh, we were terrible. | ||
I'm like, did you guys know what you wanted to talk about? | ||
And it's so cool being able to ask you guys for advice and have these mentors. | ||
Well, it's also, the guys you're talking about, everyone's genuinely honest. | ||
They'll tell you the times they bombed. | ||
The worst is people that don't admit they bombed or don't admit when they bombed. | ||
Because, okay, you're protecting yourself and you're damaging our relationship. | ||
Yeah. | ||
By protecting yourself, first of all, it doesn't really work. | ||
You're not really protecting yourself. | ||
And two, you're damaging our relationship. | ||
Because now I can't listen to you. | ||
Because now I think you're full of shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's not good. | ||
Remember when we were in St. Paul in the arena and I said, what's up St. Louis? | ||
That was rough. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
You barely recovered from that one. | ||
I thought I was gonna get burned alive after the show. | ||
They got mad. | ||
And I opened it up. | ||
I was the first one on stage. | ||
I was like so excited. | ||
I'm like, what's up? | ||
unidentified
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Oh no! | |
Dead silence. | ||
And I'm like, that's not how this works. | ||
Oh no. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But then I recovered, thank god. | ||
I think I've done that before. | ||
I think I called Minneapolis, Michigan once. | ||
Yeah, I retired saying what's up wherever I'm at. | ||
I'm like, I'll just get into it. | ||
Well, there's some places that demand respect. | ||
Like, if you go to New York and you call it Philly, your show's over. | ||
Yeah. | ||
What's up, Philly? | ||
What? | ||
They would just, boo! | ||
That's a mistake you can't make! | ||
unidentified
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Boo! | |
Some mistakes you can't make. | ||
But if you call St. Paul, St. Louis, you're like, oh my god, I'm a fucking idiot. | ||
Like a couple minutes later, if you have some good jokes, they'll forget. | ||
Yeah. | ||
New York will never forgive you if you call it Philadelphia. | ||
If you call New York Philadelphia. | ||
Or if you call Philadelphia New York. | ||
They'll kick your ass. | ||
Wouldn't you know the difference between Philly and New York? | ||
Not if you're drunk. | ||
You don't drink. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't drink. | |
When did you stop with the booze and then everything else? | ||
I stopped everything the day after Halloween of 2015. Was it a rough Halloween? | ||
It was a rough Halloween. | ||
Yeah, not one of my best moments. | ||
So you were 19 then? | ||
I was 19. Wow. | ||
I think I was 20. Yeah. | ||
So right around then. | ||
Yeah, I woke up half naked on my dad's couch, and I was like, this is not the way I want to be waking up. | ||
This is not a pretty sight. | ||
Were you out all night? | ||
Yeah, and I was moving to LA November 1st, 2015, and I was like, okay, I still want to go out for Halloween, but I need to be respectful. | ||
No hard alcohol, just a couple beers. | ||
Get your shit together. | ||
Don't be a piece of shit. | ||
unidentified
|
Blacked out. | |
That's amazing. | ||
Woke up half naked. | ||
So whenever people are like, how long have you lived in LA? I'm like, uh... | ||
Four years, seven months, you know, whatever days. | ||
Right, you can get it down to the Alcoholics Anonymous chip. | ||
unidentified
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Yes, yes, yes. | |
Jim Norton's the same way. | ||
Norton stopped when he was 19. Oh, really? | ||
Yep, yep. | ||
He realized, he's like, I'm a fucking mess and I can't do this. | ||
And I thought when I started comedy, I was like... | ||
I was like, everyone who is successful drinks. | ||
Like, it's just part of it. | ||
Like, you have to be boozing and schmoozing and, like, having a good time after the show and, like, partying it up and have this, like, rock star attitude. | ||
And then I realized that there were so many successful comedians who don't drink, and I was like, okay, maybe this is, like, possible. | ||
Yeah, it's very possible. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I mean, Hicks did his best work after he cleaned up. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He didn't, you know, didn't do anything. | ||
Yeah. | ||
When he was like in his 30, I think he quit like at like 30 or something like that. | ||
But then whatever he had done caught up to him already. | ||
But he smoked a lot of cigarettes, which is just as bad, my friend. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He's your favorite, right? | ||
He's your favorite, yeah. | ||
No, no, he's not my favorite. | ||
He's not the funniest. | ||
He was a great mind. | ||
And I think he had really interesting thoughts. | ||
And I think that his comedy was very revolutionary in that it changed the way people thought about doing comedy. | ||
Because you could do comedy and talk about important issues. | ||
You could talk about complex things. | ||
And it inspired me to talk about more complex things. | ||
But Kinison... | ||
But you didn't start out talking about complex things, did you? | ||
No. | ||
Okay, thank God. | ||
No, no. | ||
Because I'm like, my ass, whatever my jokes are, sucking dick, doing whatever, you know, the dumb shit. | ||
Of course. | ||
And I'm always like, I hope I'm, I mean, I don't mind if I keep talking about whatever, like dumb shit. | ||
I just wanted to be like a little bit more elevated. | ||
Well, some people talk about dumb shit forever, and it's great. | ||
There's no rules. | ||
It just has to be funny. | ||
I used to be so insecure about my dumb jokes, which I think are funny, but it's not like I'm breaking boundaries or opening people's minds to new thoughts. | ||
But the problem is the people that want to do that all suck. | ||
The people that want to break boundaries, the people that want to open people's minds, they're almost always annoying. | ||
I think the jokes should be... | ||
There's two things that should be possible, right? | ||
First of all, what you're saying for the people in the audience should be entertaining, should be interesting. | ||
That was one of the things that Hicks said. | ||
Like, just try to be interesting. | ||
He had like a, see if you can find this. | ||
He had like a rules to comedy thing that he wrote that's very insightful. | ||
It's really interesting. | ||
I mean, when you think about it, the guy died. | ||
I think he was only like 33 when he died. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He was just really fucking smart. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, just really smart and also started comedy really young. | ||
So here it is. | ||
Bill Hicks Principles of Comedy. | ||
If you can be yourself on stage, nobody else can be you, and you have the law of supply and demand covered. | ||
The act is something you fall back on if you can't think of anything else to say. | ||
Number three, only do what you think is funny, never just what you think they will like, even though it's not that funny to you. | ||
Number four, never ask them, is this funny? | ||
You tell them this is funny. | ||
Number five, you are not married to any of this shit. | ||
If something happens, taking off on a tangent, never go back and finish a bit, just move on. | ||
Number six, never ask the audience how you doing. | ||
People who do that can't think of an opening line. | ||
They came to see you tell them how they're doing. | ||
Asking that stupid question up front just digs a hole. | ||
This is the most common mistake. | ||
I like how he writes that in all caps. | ||
Is the most common mistake with a, well not all caps, front word, first letter caps. | ||
The most common mistake made by performers, I want to leave as soon as they say that. | ||
Number seven, write what entertains you. | ||
If you can't be funny, be interesting. | ||
That's what I was talking about. | ||
You haven't lost the crowd. | ||
Have something to say and then do it in a funny way. | ||
Number eight, I close my eyes and walk out there and that's where I start. | ||
Honest. | ||
Number nine, listen to what you are saying. | ||
Ask yourself, why am I saying it and is it necessary? | ||
This will filter all your material and cut the unnecessary words. | ||
Economy of words. | ||
You're super into that. | ||
Economy of words is everything. | ||
It's everything with jokes. | ||
Number 10, play to the top of the intelligence of the room. | ||
There aren't any bad crowds, just wrong choices. | ||
That's not true. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's just not true. | ||
There are definitely bad crowds. | ||
Number 11, remember this is the hardest thing there is to do. | ||
That's not true. | ||
Being a soldier, way fucking harder. | ||
If you can do this, you can do anything. | ||
Nope, you can't tell people jokes and then do brain surgery. | ||
I can't do shit. | ||
Yeah, that's not true. | ||
I'm useless. | ||
Number 12, I love my cracker roots. | ||
Get to know your family. | ||
Be friends with them. | ||
Well, that's not the worst advice. | ||
But the thing that is a problem with any of that stuff is this is how you do it. | ||
The beautiful thing about comedy is there is no this is how you do it. | ||
There's Mitch Hedberg and there's Sam Kinison. | ||
Those are two all-time greats. | ||
There's Richard Pryor. | ||
And there's Louis C.K. There's Dave Chappelle, and there's Emo Phillips. | ||
There's Bobcat Goldthwait, and there's fucking, you know... | ||
I mean, you can do that all day. | ||
But I think that just goes back to, like, just be who you are on stage. | ||
Yes, yes. | ||
But also, do what you feel like doing. | ||
Like, Gaffigan likes to do his kind of comedy. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Right? | ||
If all of a sudden Gaffigan had to do, like, you know... | ||
Someone else's act, like Bobby Lee or something like that. | ||
It wouldn't be. | ||
It's not what he's interested in. | ||
You find what you like to do. | ||
Some people are country music stars. | ||
Some people are rappers. | ||
Everyone's got their own thing they're doing. | ||
And that's the thing with comedy is I feel like when you're starting out, it can feel so... | ||
I feel like I have to look at it like music. | ||
It's like, oh, I like a rapper and I also like this corny pop musician. | ||
They're in totally different lanes. | ||
They're not competing against each other. | ||
They're not looking at each other being like, why are they doing that? | ||
They're doing their own thing and I can appreciate both artists or both songs or whatever. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
I do know what you mean, but some people can't, and some comics can't. | ||
Some comics decide that they don't like what you do. | ||
So you shouldn't be doing it. | ||
They get angry. | ||
You know, you shouldn't be talking about sex. | ||
You should be talking about, you know, like, whatever, absurd things. | ||
But that's because comedy is... | ||
If you go to a comedy club, it's just a comedy club. | ||
Nobody goes to a music club and doesn't know what kind of band is playing. | ||
If you go to see rock and roll and all of a sudden a folk singer shows up, you get upset. | ||
There's no other venue like that where someone will go on stage and they're Metallica and then right afterwards would be Sarah McLaughlin. | ||
That's a weird combination. | ||
But in comedy, that's a combination that exists all the time. | ||
You will see weird combinations like that all the time, where if you're on a 10-person show, like at the store, where 10 people are doing 15-minute sets, you are likely to see the full spectrum of comedy. | ||
All kinds of weird shit. | ||
That's why I like the original room so much, because it goes until 2 in the morning, sometimes longer, and you get to see the weirdest stuff. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, well that's where I saw Laura. | ||
Laura Beetz. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, and I became a giant fan of hers and I put the post on my Instagram because me and Kreischer, we did a show, this big ass sold out show in the main room and then Bert and I sat down in the back of the room and Laura was on stage and there was like maybe... | ||
I mean, 15 people or something? | ||
Something like that? | ||
A small-ass crowd. | ||
By the time she was offstage, the crowd had doubled. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because they were coming in to sit down to listen to her. | ||
And that doesn't seem like a lot. | ||
You know, oh, there's only 30 people. | ||
But that's a big jump. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And for the OR at, like, whatever time that was, she's so talented. | ||
She's so funny. | ||
And just so, like, ah! | ||
Yeah, I love her style. | ||
And it's like what he was saying. | ||
She's herself. | ||
She knows how to do it. | ||
And she works so hard. | ||
Like her and I talked about writing and she showed me her notebook. | ||
First of all, everything is like, there's like a line and then a space. | ||
Like she leaves a whole line bare and then the next space. | ||
I'm like, oh, you're fucking organized as fuck. | ||
She's like, yes, I'm serious. | ||
I have a friend who her notes are color-coded. | ||
unidentified
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Ooh. | |
She has it like color coded jokes that like really work, jokes that need some work on them, brand new jokes and then like certain parts of the joke are color coded differently and I'm like my brain does not work like that. | ||
Does she use highlights or does she use tabs? | ||
She does it on her computer and phone. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
Yeah. | ||
And then like when she's doing a show I think she just like transfers what she wants to do into the notebook. | ||
Oh, interesting. | ||
Well, everybody's got their own interesting way of doing it. | ||
Ron Funch said something really interesting. | ||
I heard! | ||
I listened to the pod. | ||
Ron was like, write what you love, you hate, and then what you fear. | ||
I was like, oh. | ||
And I texted him after the podcast. | ||
I go, I ask that question all the time. | ||
Like, what's your process? | ||
Rarely do I get an answer that makes me go, oh, I'm going to implement that. | ||
And so I told him that. | ||
I mean, I know it's probably a standard writing exercise, but I wasn't aware of it. | ||
Yeah, it's probably just a great way to really figure out your perspective on things and figure out your point of view and the angle that you want to take. | ||
For a bit, it seems like the perfect combination because you always want to combine those three things. | ||
What scares the fuck out of me, what I love, and what I hate. | ||
Those things are awesome together. | ||
That really is comedy. | ||
It's a very smart way to write. | ||
I was like, that made a big difference. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I just can't wait till it fucking opens up again! | ||
I know, I feel like I'm in retirement. | ||
I'm like, do I go to Palm Springs and... | ||
Well, I was saying to people like you, You're in the middle of your development. | ||
This is when the party's happening. | ||
This is when everything's rocking and rolling and you get shut down, right? | ||
I was saying to Chappelle Lacey the same thing. | ||
Like here you are in the middle. | ||
Everything's starting to rock and roll and kicking up and you start to do sets and it's picking up and it's picking up and it's picking up and all of a sudden boom! | ||
I know. | ||
I did my first headlining show, and then I was on my way to do my second headlining weekend in Denver at Comedy Works. | ||
And then the day that I got there, things got really crazy, and they were talking about the LA lockdown, and I was like, I don't know what that means. | ||
Like, I can't do the rest of the shows here. | ||
So then I flew home, canceled the rest of the shows. | ||
Oh, you were worried that they were going to lock down where you can't fly in? | ||
Yeah, I think I texted you. | ||
I was like, I don't know what to do. | ||
Like, I'm already here. | ||
I feel bad canceling. | ||
Like, I don't know. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
It's one of those things where it was, it was really obvious that everything was going to cancel. | ||
Because we were at the store, and I was supposed to do the main room. | ||
And I think I was doing the main room, I think it was more than one show. | ||
It might have been two nights. | ||
Yeah, I was supposed to host. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And then they called me up and they said, hey, the state is putting a, they're making a limitation. | ||
So you can only have 200 people in a room, and obviously the main room is bigger than that. | ||
So we're going to shut the shows down. | ||
I'm like, yeah, that's probably a good idea. | ||
And they're like, would you rather do the OR? We'll move your show to the OR and move as many people there as you can. | ||
And I'm like, I don't know if we should do shows. | ||
I was like, what if we all get sick? | ||
And that was in the early days when no one knew what it was and what's going to happen to us. | ||
I was in Vegas. | ||
I think it was, like, first week of March. | ||
That was the last time we had a Vegas show with a live audience. | ||
And it was this packed T-Mobile arena. | ||
And I remember thinking, like, this feels weird. | ||
Like, people were on the plane. | ||
Some had masks. | ||
Some didn't. | ||
This guy wanted to shake my hand. | ||
And I was like, I'll shake your hand. | ||
He's like, you sure? | ||
I'm like, yeah. | ||
I'm still shaking hands. | ||
It was, like, March 7th or something like that. | ||
Crazy. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Here we are. | ||
I think it's been so unorganized with how to handle it, and that's why I think there's so much resistance towards doing things now. | ||
Wow, it's like they didn't know. | ||
No one knew. | ||
I was saying this on the podcast the other day. | ||
When you become a governor, you don't become a governor because you pass a bunch of tests that show that you accurately know how to handle each and every situation. | ||
You become a governor because you're popular. | ||
You win a popularity contest. | ||
You back the right bills. | ||
You say the right things. | ||
You got the best hair. | ||
And people are like, I like him. | ||
Let's see if he can run shit. | ||
And then something like this happens and you realize like, oh, these motherfuckers, they don't know what they're doing. | ||
This is just guesswork. | ||
And like, we're going on science. | ||
No, you're not. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Stop saying that. | ||
You're not going on science. | ||
Because if you were, you'd be telling people to take vitamin D. You'd be telling people to take zinc. | ||
You'd be telling people large doses of vitamin C. You'd be handing that shit out. | ||
You'd be on every corner. | ||
People would be able to get vitamin D, vitamin C, and zinc. | ||
You'd pass it out. | ||
You don't know what you're doing. | ||
Is that the magic? | ||
That's a big combination. | ||
Vitamin D, vitamin C, and zinc. | ||
The virus apparently has a very difficult time replicating in your system when you have all those things. | ||
And this is all, they don't know why, they don't exactly know what the deal is, but there's some direct evidence that points to that, including a bunch of studies that have been done on people that are in the ICU. More than 80% of them in the ICU have low levels of vitamin D, insufficient levels of vitamin D. Only 4% have sufficient levels. | ||
Is vitamin D the sun one? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Okay. | ||
That's the one that we have a real problem with. | ||
I've been going to the beach a lot. | ||
Well, that's good. | ||
You need to take it too, though. | ||
Oh. | ||
Unfortunately, because we're really supposed to be outside all day. | ||
All this house shit, that's not really... | ||
Nature doesn't know what we're doing. | ||
Nature's like, why are you bitches... | ||
Where's your sun? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, we're designed to get sun all the time. | ||
I always think about your joke. | ||
You know when there's certain people, I've told you this before, but there's certain jokes that just always stand out to you, like you always just kind of like think about them. | ||
The joke about houses and how underwater there's no houses, there's nowhere to hide. | ||
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
That's the most dangerous neighborhood in the world, is the ocean. | ||
Because there's no indoors. | ||
But it's so true. | ||
It's like, houses are such a weird concept. | ||
Like, obviously they make sense, but it is a weird concept to be like, this is my safe space. | ||
Don't enter. | ||
There's locks on the door. | ||
I have my own bedroom in my house so the people in my house can't come in. | ||
Well, that's why human beings have figured out a way to manipulate the entire world. | ||
Whereas... | ||
Whereas people in the ocean, like dolphins, ocean people, they never figured it out. | ||
They never rest. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They're always, ah, shark, ah, octopus, ah! | ||
They're always just running away from shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They never have a chance to sit down and close the door and go, whew. | ||
What the fuck am I doing with my life? | ||
Like that's what you have when you have a living room and a gun. | ||
You can shut the door and you feel a little bit safe and you can start thinking about things. | ||
Like people had to develop weapons and they had to develop housing. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
They had to develop shelter. | ||
They had to figure out where to stockpile food and that's how we figured out how to become human. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
But until then we were basically like the smartest animals. | ||
We were the animals that figured out how to use tools. | ||
And now we're just dumb. | ||
Now we're just soft. | ||
unidentified
|
Jelly. | |
Little fucking bags of water. | ||
I don't drink enough water. | ||
Why not? | ||
I don't know. | ||
It's free. | ||
I know. | ||
Drink it. | ||
I'm going to just stockpile all these. | ||
Make a deal with your mom. | ||
You drink water, I'll stop smoking cigarettes. | ||
I mean, she's going to listen to this episode. | ||
Will she? | ||
Oh my god, yeah. | ||
She's jazzed. | ||
Well, your mom's a very nice lady. | ||
I know. | ||
I met your mom. | ||
She wanted to say thank you. | ||
Oh, I love her. | ||
She's great. | ||
She's sweet. | ||
Stop smoking, lady. | ||
Yeah, I'm Jennifer. | ||
While I'm smoking weed. | ||
Stop smoking. | ||
Uh, yeah. | ||
Jennifer. | ||
Jenny. | ||
Get it together. | ||
Both of my parents work together. | ||
I think it's so funny. | ||
They've been divorced since I was like five or six, and they have the same job. | ||
That's funny. | ||
And every once in a while they'll work together and send a selfie to me and my sisters. | ||
There was something that I tweeted today that says marijuana stops people from getting COVID. That can't be real. | ||
It was going around early. | ||
I'll see if it's the same thing that was happening. | ||
I bet Tommy Chong wrote it under a pen name. | ||
That's probably fake. | ||
So when do you decide to pull out the real cancer-causing cigarette and leave the jewel alone? | ||
Me? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
When do I stop at all? | ||
No, sometimes he smokes cigarettes. | ||
May 18th, 2020. New Canadian study reportedly says marijuana may prevent the coronavirus. | ||
Aha! | ||
Yeah, it said that they had, like, one strain of a sativa, I believe. | ||
I remember reading this back then, that, like, might have some... | ||
I don't know if I believe that. | ||
Let's study this though. | ||
Please study it. | ||
This is probably dumb, but when you smoke anything, marijuana, cigarettes, whatever, does that go into your bloodstream or just your lungs? | ||
It goes into your bloodstream from your lungs. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Strong objection to the believe treatment has been extended to the source for Dr. Kovaluk's report. | ||
The source is who wrote this actually. | ||
This is posted in the source blog magazine. | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
I understand. | ||
Not like the source. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
But strong objection. | ||
Like, look at that. | ||
Look at the post that says at the bottom again. | ||
Go back to the bottom part. | ||
Strong objection to the believe treatment has been extended to the source for Dr. Kovlux. | ||
But that doesn't mean anything. | ||
Why does it say Shabia Allah at the bottom? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Yeah, I mean, someone reached out and said that's not true. | ||
About the author? | ||
That's the author's name, I guess. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
I mean, someone... | ||
Well, it says about the author, Shabi Allah. | ||
That's what she's talking about. | ||
Oh, that's their name. | ||
I was saying this. | ||
I know, we're talking about different things. | ||
But it's a strong objection to the believe treatment has been extended to the source for Dr. Kovalchuk's work. | ||
But strong objection, what was the objection? | ||
And who is it from? | ||
Why would you just, that one sentence is like a weird sentence. | ||
Yeah, I don't know. | ||
Isn't it weird to put that at the end of a thing? | ||
Strong objection to the believe treatment? | ||
So it's pretty much saying like, this is not real. | ||
Well, it's not saying that, though. | ||
It's saying someone's strong objection to the belief treatment has been extended. | ||
That's what it's saying. | ||
So someone objected, but they're not saying who objected. | ||
They're not saying what they said. | ||
Is that kind of like nine out of ten doctors recommend this, and there's that one doctor who's like, hmm, Colgate, not for me. | ||
That's maybe who he is. | ||
Maybe it's Dr. Colgate. | ||
Okay, Jamie's Googling it. | ||
Turn on the fan. | ||
Posting this, it got posted like clickbait when it first came out. | ||
So people were like, oh, okay, yeah, the weedheads, everyone wants weed to be the fucking thing that fixes it. | ||
Of course they do. | ||
You think that's real? | ||
No. | ||
You think it's real? | ||
No, I don't. | ||
No, it doesn't sound right. | ||
Um, can you turn the fan on please? | ||
We have a fan that sucks all the smoke out of here. | ||
You don't have to think about it. | ||
Ready? | ||
Here it goes. | ||
We thought of everything. | ||
I know. | ||
Just sucks it out of here. | ||
You really have this all down to a science. | ||
How many years has it been since you first started? | ||
Eleven. | ||
Eleven. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I love doing this, playing the game of how old was I? You were a baby. | ||
I was a baby, yeah. | ||
I think I was like... | ||
Yeah, you were in high school. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Weird. | ||
No TikTok back then, though, huh? | ||
unidentified
|
What a shame. | |
So boring. | ||
I know. | ||
You could have been a TikTok superstar. | ||
I know. | ||
Maybe you would have got started being professional TikTokers. | ||
Because some people who are just professional TikTokers, they actually make a living TikTok-ing. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
Oh, yeah. | ||
A good living, too. | ||
Dancing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Just fucking TikTok-ing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's all the rage. | ||
So what happens? | ||
How do you get money? | ||
I think you reach enough followers and likes where companies start coming in and being like, we can profit off of putting something in your video and making money off of you. | ||
And then apparently, you know, they have enough talent to be in like Super Bowl commercials and whatever. | ||
So you... | ||
I really like TikTok. | ||
I know you do. | ||
I can tell. | ||
Oh my God, this guy has 79 million. | ||
That's the top girl in there. | ||
Who is it? | ||
That's Charli D'Amelio. | ||
Within seven months? | ||
She's like 16? | ||
15? | ||
16? | ||
Her sister has a bunch of followers and now have a YouTube channel. | ||
They have a makeup line. | ||
Dude. | ||
First of all, I apologize for calling her a dude because all I saw was the number. | ||
I don't know why I assumed it was a guy. | ||
Probably because I'm sexist. | ||
But that one in the beginning, that first video that you just played? | ||
I don't know. | ||
The first one, to the left, where she's TikTok-ing, where she's dancing and moving. | ||
In the future, if you were watching a movie that was made in the 1980s about how fucked up the world would be in 2020, and this was something that just millions and millions and millions of people would be into, just seeing people do this... | ||
But here's the thing with TikTok. | ||
Sure, everyone knows about the dancing and the lip-syncing and whatever. | ||
But the thing that I like about TikTok is that your main feed is based on videos you like. | ||
So if you're not liking dance videos, you're not going to see dance videos on your feed. | ||
Oh, what were you saying? | ||
And it's not based on people you follow. | ||
This is how old I am and how little I know about TikTok. | ||
No, I love this. | ||
I thought it was all people doing this. | ||
No, I finally get to teach Joe something. | ||
They don't? | ||
You haven't seen Christina Positsky's curations? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
She has a whole different version of what TikTok is. | ||
Oh my god, her TikTok algorithm scares the shit out of me. | ||
What does she do on TikTok? | ||
She has a TikTok. | ||
She posts a lot of YMH clips on there and stuff, but she posts what her feed looks like on her stories on Instagram, and it'll be the most country, bumpkin type of people, no teeth, kissing their brothers and sisters. | ||
It's wild. | ||
Is that because of stuff she posts? | ||
It's because of the stuff that she likes. | ||
I think she likes that weird, like, deep, like, southern part of TikTok. | ||
That's funny. | ||
Well, they love absurd shit. | ||
Oh, I know. | ||
Your mom's house is such a good podcast, first of all. | ||
It's so good. | ||
It's the two of them together. | ||
You got two literally of the best stand-up comedians on earth that happen to be married to each other. | ||
And one of the only arguments, other than, like, there's a few other arguments, like Moshe Kasher and Natasha. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Leggero. | ||
That is a great example of two really talented, really funny, really smart people that it actually works as a marriage. | ||
But you don't get too many of those. | ||
You get like Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane. | ||
That's a good example. | ||
Both fucking hilarious. | ||
Both really smart. | ||
Don't you just want to like spy on them? | ||
I always want to like go to their house and be like, what do you guys do when you're not like... | ||
They're just funny. | ||
I know. | ||
They're funny with each other, too. | ||
Their podcasts, I don't know if they still do it. | ||
Are they still doing that podcast? | ||
It was on Sirius. | ||
I'm calling it a podcast, but it was on satellite radio. | ||
I remember stopping in the parking lot once at Disneyland and listening to it. | ||
I had to go inside. | ||
I had to go get something from the car. | ||
My wife hates me. | ||
Is it still on? | ||
Is it on... | ||
Sorry, this is so disjointed, folks. | ||
This is a podcast. | ||
This says it's on the Riotcast Network, which I think... | ||
The newest episode came out last month. | ||
So is it on iTunes and all that stuff, too? | ||
Seems like it, yeah. | ||
I don't know. | ||
But anyway, I remember parking in my car and just sat in the car for five minutes listening to how the story finished out. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Because the two of them together, like, Rich is like one of the best guys ever at taking a joke. | ||
He's like when on the Opie and Anthony show like he was fantastic at going with it and taking a joke and then when they would fuck with each other like Rich Voss comes from this old-school New York City stand-up world where there's always some shit going on in the crowd There's always some people that are causing a ruckus. | ||
There's always and he's just a master at handling shit like that just so Relaxed, under pressure, and work in the crowd. | ||
Rich Voss is a master crowd work guy. | ||
And Big Jay Oakerson. | ||
Masterful. | ||
Big Jay's a master. | ||
It's such a skill outside of stand-up. | ||
Just jokes. | ||
Did you see what happened to Big Jay last night? | ||
Yeah, who fell off the stage? | ||
He got yanked off the stage. | ||
What happened? | ||
It said that he was talking shit to a girl in the crowd, and that was the boyfriend. | ||
He got pissed. | ||
What? | ||
That's what happened? | ||
That's what I read. | ||
Is he okay? | ||
I think so. | ||
Dude, that looked horrible. | ||
He's a funny fucking dude. | ||
Big J is very funny. | ||
His stand-up comedy album is excellent. | ||
It's really funny. | ||
Yeah, that's like one of those skills that I'm like, what? | ||
Well, he's a great storyteller too, you know? | ||
So, oh, that's funny. | ||
Thank you all the well wishes. | ||
As you can see, I'm all good. | ||
Mad chillin'. | ||
Oh my god, he's funny. | ||
Those guys, all those Legion of Skanks guys, they are, they're doing like comedy for savages. | ||
Oh yeah. | ||
Only savages. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like just even the name, Legion of Skanks, you know? | ||
It's a dirty crowd. | ||
But it's like they're embracing it. | ||
Have you ever gone to a skank fest? | ||
I have not. | ||
I was supposed to, but then corona hit. | ||
Lots of smells. | ||
That's what stands out to me. | ||
Goddamn comedy. | ||
And I went once when I was in New York. | ||
I did some shows and it was like they did it like in the dead heat of summer. | ||
So everyone's sweating. | ||
Everyone has hair everywhere. | ||
And it was just the smelliest event. | ||
But the most fun, you know, their fans are like so into it and they're like so down for a good time. | ||
I think that's why I like the rave cruise because everyone's just so down. | ||
Well, it's also people that are just shirking all responsibility. | ||
This is it? | ||
And just having fun. | ||
Okay, so here, Jay's on stage. | ||
The guy kick him off the stage? | ||
That's what it looks like. | ||
I think that was Louis. | ||
Jay Gomez, like, watching. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, the guy grabbed his leg. | |
Wait, one more time, one more time. | ||
So there's a guy grabbing his leg and pulling him off the stage. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
Oh, Jesus. | ||
You can get really hurt like that. | ||
Yeah, that's fucked. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
I don't know what he said to the dude. | ||
Neither do I. I mean, that wasn't published. | ||
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
But there's no excuse for that, sir. | ||
Have you ever been beat up performing? | ||
No, I have not. | ||
No. | ||
It's always possible. | ||
Do you kind of like almost, not when you're performing, but do you almost like want a fight to initiate so you can like prove your skills? | ||
No. | ||
No. | ||
I do. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
No. | ||
I don't want anybody to get hurt. | ||
I just want to have fun. | ||
I almost got into a fight at the park. | ||
I started skating during lockdown. | ||
Skateboarding. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You any good? | ||
You know, I've gotten better. | ||
Are you shredding? | ||
I'm shredding. | ||
I'm fucking ripping it up out there. | ||
unidentified
|
Do you do it on TikTok? | |
Is that a section of TikTok? | ||
I do put it on TikTok, yeah. | ||
You do? | ||
Yeah. | ||
None of my videos go viral. | ||
I'm too old. | ||
Maybe if I was skating and dancing at the same time, it would work. | ||
It's like, age on TikTok is like, there's a certain age, I would imagine, where it gets cool again. | ||
Like when your 90-year-old grandma's on TikTok, you're like, that's cool. | ||
That's my feed. | ||
There's like 90-year-old grandmas who their grandkids are telling them what to do. | ||
But like guys my age, 53-year-old guys TikTok dancing? | ||
They're on there, and it's frightening. | ||
No, they're doing this stuff? | ||
Yes. | ||
Now, where did this come from? | ||
Where is this TikTok-y movement? | ||
Honestly, it's the dumbest, because there's that girl, Charlie, who has so many fans, she is a dancer. | ||
She grew up dancing, so she knows how to dance, but TikTok warps your brain into doing the most bare minimum type of dances. | ||
It'll be like, they'll do a song, and in the song, it'll say, my heart beats, and then the dance is like... | ||
You're pretty much doing, like, interpretive dance and then making it a trend. | ||
You know, it's not like skilled dancing where you're like, wow, it's just like... | ||
Who would have ever thought that that interpretive dance... | ||
Like, I've got an app I want to put on the App Store. | ||
Guys, I'm telling you this is going to be huge. | ||
Well, what is it? | ||
It's interpretive dance. | ||
Get the fuck out of my office. | ||
Why do you keep bringing these morons in here? | ||
No one wants to do interpretive dance. | ||
There's a market for it. | ||
My heart beats. | ||
And then, this is what I don't like about TikTok, is that there's these young... | ||
Everyone's on it. | ||
And there's young people, there's old people, but, like, there'll be songs that are like, yeah, suck my dick and blah, blah, blah. | ||
And then the dance to that is, like, you're putting your hand above where a dick would be, and then you're doing, like, a bouncing motion. | ||
And there's, like, 13-year-old girls doing this. | ||
unidentified
|
And I'm just like, ah, there's... | |
There's creepy people, and I want to stop it, but you can't. | ||
And I've also been a middle schooler on weird websites where there's creepy dudes. | ||
There's this website called Omegle, and you can talk to complete strangers. | ||
It's kind of like chat roulette. | ||
And I was on that when I was in middle school, and now that I'm an adult, I'm like, why was I ever on there? | ||
You know who does those kind of stings where they pretend that they're a little kid and then set people up? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Set up pedophiles? | ||
Shaquille O'Neal. | ||
unidentified
|
What? | |
Yes. | ||
Wait, he dresses like a girl? | ||
No, he goes on chat rooms and pretends he's a young girl. | ||
Like for fun? | ||
No, to catch pedophiles. | ||
Whoa. | ||
Yeah, he was telling me he did that. | ||
He's like a legit sheriff's deputy. | ||
Yeah, where is Shaquille O'Neal? | ||
He's like a sheriff's deputy or something. | ||
I don't know if he still is. | ||
And he's also a DJ? He's also the biggest human I've ever met in my life. | ||
He's a giant. | ||
He's so big. | ||
He did Fear Factor with me, and it was like me, like I was with my dad. | ||
I was like a six-year-old with his dad. | ||
unidentified
|
He's so big. | |
He's like, three, two, one, go! | ||
He has to have a huge dick, right? | ||
Even if it's regular size, he's so big, it has to be ridiculous. | ||
Yeah. | ||
When he did that, he was still in the NBA. That was in 2005 in Roanoke, Virginia. | ||
But he is a resident in Georgia where he is an honorary deputy in Clayton County. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But honorary deputy, that's like being an honorary graduate student from USC. Yes. | ||
It's not totally legit. | ||
He's not like, you know, whipping out a pistol and driving down the freeway. | ||
unidentified
|
You probably have to do something. | |
You probably have to do something. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I think it allows you to carry a gun in a lot of places you couldn't ordinarily. | ||
He said he's actually going to run for sheriff, but this was a couple years ago, so this would be now. | ||
He's a super nice guy. | ||
He's so big though. | ||
It's interesting that a guy that big is actually too big for fighting. | ||
Because the UFC doesn't have a super heavyweight weight class. | ||
Look at the size of him! | ||
Oh my god! | ||
His head looks so small. | ||
It's because it's far away. | ||
There's a guy who makes him look small? | ||
Yeah, I'll show you a picture of it. | ||
What? | ||
That's ridiculous. | ||
Yeah, humans come in all sorts of sizes. | ||
We're like dogs. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's how I like going to the spa, like the Korean spa. | ||
Because you get to see everyone naked and you're like, oh, my body's not that weird. | ||
What's that gentleman's name? | ||
Yao Ming. | ||
Yao Ming. | ||
And how tall is Yao? | ||
7'7", 7'6", somewhere in there. | ||
That is crazy. | ||
Damn. | ||
7'7". | ||
For China. | ||
He made China big, huge in the NBA. And this was him and the smallest guy in the NBA. Wow. | ||
That guy's so cute. | ||
That's crazy. | ||
He's so enormous. | ||
Genetics are weird. | ||
It's interesting that he's Chinese, because there's a bunch of really tall guys from China, right? | ||
A few. | ||
There's quite a few. | ||
When did that start? | ||
When did dudes from China start being giant? | ||
And coordinated? | ||
I don't know. | ||
You know what I'm saying? | ||
Like, if you look at, like, specific body types, there's, like, places that you recognize as having, like, enormous body types. | ||
That's why I was saying that, because they're, and coordinated, I added, because it would be going to, like, scouting and recruiting, because you would have to, there's a movie Shaq was in called Blue Chips in the 90s that, like, You went and found the guy, which is what they do in the NBA now. | ||
You can make some guy from Africa, for instance, who doesn't know how to play like the Antetokounmpo brothers who came from Africa and went to Greece. | ||
Tall, giant, skinny, uncoordinated, but have athletic ability way more than anybody could ever do. | ||
So if you can get them to shoot a little bit, get them practicing shooting, they can be the best basketball player of all time, which you're seeing actually right now with one of them. | ||
He's only like 24. And he is, they call him the Greek freak, he's an insane basketball player. | ||
And his little brothers are now getting recruited and put on every team. | ||
Interesting. | ||
If you find somebody deep in like I don't know where they're finding people in China, but there's probably some people deep in Russia or who knows where. | ||
Yeah, I wonder what that is, though. | ||
What is it about a certain group of people? | ||
When you see people from Iceland and those giant strongman competition dudes, so many of them are from Iceland. | ||
But that makes sense. | ||
Look at the size of that dude with The Rock! | ||
The Rock is so big, you don't realize how ridiculous that picture is unless you've actually been around The Rock. | ||
Are you guys friends? | ||
I know them. | ||
I've met them. | ||
But you're not like, what's up, bro? | ||
I mean, I hug him when I see him just because I respect him and I love him a lot. | ||
Is he tall? | ||
He's enormous. | ||
He's like 6'9". | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
He's so big. | ||
Oh. | ||
unidentified
|
He's a cartoon. | |
You meet him, you're like, how are you a real thing? | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
He's so big. | |
Like, he's so jacked, too. | ||
What a crazy career trajectory. | ||
Listen, that guy works hard. | ||
He works hard. | ||
When you look at someone like The Rock, are you like, I need to stop my game? | ||
Yes, always. | ||
Always. | ||
Look at that. | ||
What the fuck is that? | ||
Look at his body. | ||
That's too much. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
That's the right amount. | ||
Six-six? | ||
I like scrawny little, like, lanky... | ||
And he wears cowboy boots, too, or some shit. | ||
He's so big. | ||
But he's also, like, insanely disciplined. | ||
He's not just an enormous human being from just being born big. | ||
He's insanely disciplined. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, you follow his Instagram feed, you feel really fucking lazy. | ||
That up one, back up where you were, where you just were, there was a grid of images. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Yeah, seriously. | ||
Scroll down to that one where he doesn't have a shirt, keep going, right there, the one with the plate. | ||
What the fuck, son? | ||
Jesus, that's insane. | ||
That makes me uncomfortable. | ||
Years and years and years and years and years and years of grinding. | ||
That's what that is. | ||
You don't get built like that. | ||
Like, sure, there's some Mexican supplements involved in there. | ||
And sure, there's some genetics. | ||
But you gotta work to get a body like that. | ||
But why do you need that body? | ||
Shut your mouth, woman. | ||
What's the point of having it? | ||
Oh my god, you're such a girl. | ||
What does he need to do? | ||
He wants to be the ultimate man. | ||
Look at him. | ||
For what? | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
Take some days off. | ||
unidentified
|
Chill. | |
Are you kidding me? | ||
The ultimate man. | ||
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
I guess. | ||
It's a fucking perfect specimen. | ||
For some people. | ||
How dare you? | ||
I'm sorry. | ||
What are you into? | ||
Like real emo guys who cough a lot? | ||
Yes. | ||
I like weak, fragile boys. | ||
Yes. | ||
On scrawny men who want to be the baby spoon. | ||
I want to be Mama Spoon. | ||
Let me warm you up. | ||
Guys who are always cold. | ||
I think I'm sick. | ||
Check my forehead. | ||
Oh my god, yeah. | ||
Meanwhile, look at him. | ||
Look at this fucking build on that man. | ||
That's a man! | ||
That's a specimen. | ||
I get it. | ||
You're into TikTokers. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Oh my god. | ||
Yeah, I mean it's a crazy thing to be like insanely dedicated to and it's also... | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I mean the amount of effort that that guy has to put out to keep his body looking like that. | ||
The effort's insane. | ||
If you ever worked out, you realize like just to maintain that all the time like that, the way he does. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's insane. | ||
Can I go peer? | ||
Does that kill the vibe? | ||
No, no, no. | ||
Not at all. | ||
I got a... | ||
This is a TikTok conspiracy thing I like read about. | ||
I'd like to pass it by you and let you know if you think it's like... | ||
Okay. | ||
If this makes sense. | ||
Because there's a lot of kids on there, they figure out how that algorithm works to help themselves get bigger on it or whatnot. | ||
So they say that if you start a new account, one of the first things they'll do with one of your first couple posts is they'll almost make it go viral. | ||
So they'll... | ||
I don't know how they send it out to more people or whatnot. | ||
But you have a video that then baits you back in. | ||
Whereas most people have not had the chance to go viral or have their 15 seconds of fame online. | ||
So they'll give it to you like a little drug dealer and give you that dopamine. | ||
So now you come back and keep trying to do it again and trying and trying and trying. | ||
And it worked. | ||
I mean, it may or may not have worked. | ||
That makes sense. | ||
I mean, they're trying to rope you in. | ||
The best way to rope you in is give you some success, right? | ||
I mean, they're not giving you money, but no one... | ||
Well, don't you think that in a way... | ||
Well, I guess it's not really comparable. | ||
I was talking about the Apple algorithm they use for podcasts, where the new... | ||
It's probably similar a little bit, because the way you first started, yeah, they'll shoot you up to the top, so you can be like, we have the most successful podcast, and we just started? | ||
That's amazing. | ||
Let's keep at this thing. | ||
And then, once the algorithm... | ||
It's a weird algorithm, like it tricks you. | ||
Because if you have a new podcast, what are the specifics? | ||
Do we know the specifics? | ||
No one knows, so it's just guessing. | ||
That's interesting. | ||
Trying things out to figure out, like, this actually works. | ||
It's funny how people like Apple and also things like Netflix. | ||
Like Netflix, you never have any idea what the numbers are. | ||
What number of people are viewing things. | ||
It doesn't say it like a YouTube clip does. | ||
You have to kind of guess. | ||
They know, but they don't tell anybody. | ||
But it's kind of the same thing in a way. | ||
I've seen people say the NBA ratings are way down right now. | ||
These are almost preseason games. | ||
A lot of people watch the last two games of the regular season anyway. | ||
The games have already been figured out next week when the playoffs start, then check the ratings and see where they're at. | ||
But it's interesting to me when you have no idea what the algorithm is, whether it's the iTunes podcast algorithm or Netflix's algorithm. | ||
You really don't know. | ||
They know. | ||
When we were kids, we thought TRL was people calling and voting to make the most popular video on MTV every day. | ||
That wasn't happening. | ||
Dude, how crazy was Rob Lowe saying that he was on the worst show on television, meaning it was the least rated show on television, and it was 19 million people watched it? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's because there wasn't any TikToks back then. | ||
But how bonkers is that? | ||
Yeah. | ||
And that was, what was that, the 80s? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I think so. | ||
19 million now, you'd be for sure the biggest hit on any TV. Well, we decided, right? | ||
Didn't we look at it? | ||
I think so, yeah. | ||
We found NCIS is like number one and that has like 15 million. | ||
Crazy. | ||
Which sounds like an enormous number. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
The fact that 19 million, which was the worst rated show, would be the biggest, most highly rated show now. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's because there's so many different ways to watch things. | ||
So much content. | ||
Speaking of content, don't you have a podcast? | ||
I do have a podcast. | ||
Oh, how about that segue? | ||
Thank you. | ||
You're a professional. | ||
Yeah, I have a podcast called Resting Bitch. | ||
It's perfect. | ||
That's what it's called. | ||
But I made the mistake. | ||
I didn't know. | ||
I just, like, went into it. | ||
I'm like, I have a resting bitch face, I have a resting bitch voice, like, and I'm going to be doing it on a couch and I look like I'm resting bitch, you know? | ||
Right. | ||
And, oh, look at that. | ||
Resting bitch with Alan Wachowski. | ||
He's the best. | ||
He's the best. | ||
There you go. | ||
So, yeah, I have that podcast. | ||
Oh, remember when I used to do shows? | ||
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
Dan. | ||
Annie practically. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, Annie. | |
Annie assaulted me on this episode. | ||
She tried to eat me out. | ||
I love her. | ||
Me too. | ||
She's so funny. | ||
She's awesome in that they're doing a Comedy Store documentary. | ||
I gotta see a clip with her in it. | ||
I'm nervous. | ||
I'm supposed to be in that. | ||
We'll see. | ||
I'm nervous. | ||
But yeah, I do that podcast from my producer Anthony's house and yeah, it's fun. | ||
That's awesome. | ||
Yeah, but because it has the word bitch in the title, it doesn't pop up right away. | ||
Oh no. | ||
Yeah, I made the mistake. | ||
Whatever, next podcast. | ||
The Ally Makovsky Experience. | ||
So did they censor that? | ||
I don't think they censor it. | ||
I just think on YouTube, it's not going to be top of the recommended or something. | ||
Because of the word bitch? | ||
Yeah, but also because it's not the most poppin' thing. | ||
But it's definitely a little bit hidden. | ||
Not shadow banned, but... | ||
unidentified
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You could just call it Resting B. Yeah, Resting B Pod. | |
Or just call it your fucking name, kid. | ||
That's the easiest way. | ||
Because I think, like, I like names of shows that are interesting, but if I want to see the Joey Diaz show, I want to see the Joey Diaz show. | ||
Where's the Joey Diaz show? | ||
I don't care what you call it. | ||
What is it? | ||
Yeah, Joey Diaz. | ||
It's the fucking canoe on top of the house. | ||
What? | ||
That's the name of my show, the canoe on top of the house. | ||
Is he moving to? | ||
He is moving to. | ||
He's moving to New Jersey. | ||
unidentified
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Ugh. | |
Yeah. | ||
Everyone's going. | ||
I give them a year of ice and snow. | ||
That's what I said about you. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You give me a year? | ||
Yeah. | ||
We'll see what's up. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I feel, are you keeping your place out here? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Okay, yeah. | ||
That's good. | ||
Good. | ||
For now. | ||
Okay. | ||
We'll see. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So it's just vacant? | ||
That means like if someone, one of your friends who's like 24. I got people. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Okay. | ||
This is a weird state right now. | ||
It is weird. | ||
I don't know what to do. | ||
I keep debating. | ||
I'm like, do I move in with my parents? | ||
Do I stay at my place? | ||
Well, it's never a bad thing to be with other folks. | ||
Especially if you don't mind it and you actually enjoy being around them. | ||
Because this is like a fucking strange time. | ||
People need help. | ||
Sometimes people are sick and they don't want to admit it. | ||
And you gotta go, hey, are you okay? | ||
And you gotta fucking get them to the hospital as quick as you can. | ||
Wait, what do you mean? | ||
Old people that get coronavirus. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Are you saying my parents? | ||
Anybody. | ||
Not just you, but anybody. | ||
Like, living with your parents is not a bad move. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But the problem is you have to be really responsible with what you do. | ||
There's a lot of kids that want to live with their parents and then they want to go party. | ||
Like, you could kill your parents. | ||
Like, that shit is happening to people. | ||
There was a 21-year-old kid who came home and gave it to his dad. | ||
unidentified
|
His dad was in the fucking ICU. I would feel so guilty. | |
Didn't know. | ||
Probably didn't even know he had it. | ||
I had a friend I was with who tested positive and I'm like, that sucks because then you have to act like you have an STD or something and text her, hey, we had a really good time last week but I have some bad news. | ||
You gotta get tested. | ||
Yeah. | ||
People have done that at parties. | ||
They're having these influencer parties. | ||
And, you know, they just go buck wild, no masks, start drinking. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There was a video, like, apparently they have houses. | ||
This is a thing, like, influencers get houses. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
And then they do parties. | ||
Jamie's laughing, because it's like I'm learning about fire. | ||
So you hit sticks, you rub them, you make fire, it's warmer. | ||
I joked about the Hype House this weekend, and I was totally making a joke, and she's like, yeah, that's where they live. | ||
I was like, oh, I don't even know why I know that that's a thing, but it's a thing. | ||
So there's a bunch of people doing that now. | ||
They get houses. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, they go crazy. | ||
My sister just had her bachelorette party, but everyone got tested before we stayed in the Airbnb the whole time. | ||
So I think there's ways of doing it that are okay. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's ways of doing it that are okay. | ||
You can't be drinking and fucking jumping on top of each other in the pool and, you know, there's 190,000 of you. | ||
I mean, they're having these fucking parties with like 200 people jammed into a house and everybody's breathing each other's air. | ||
Where's my invite, Charli D'Amelio? | ||
COVID parties are a pandemic urban legend that won't go away. | ||
Oh, but that's what people trying to catch it. | ||
Right, that's what you said. | ||
Just so there's a clarification on that that people don't think... | ||
Well, that's a different thing. | ||
What we're talking about is influencer parties where they don't give a fuck about the rules. | ||
Leonardo DiCaprio had a party on his yacht and everyone was wearing cowboy hats and I'm pretty sure he stole my COVID cowboy theme. | ||
At least I'm gonna say that. | ||
That sounds very schizophrenic and probably don't mention that in public. | ||
No, Leo's watching. | ||
He's aware of what I'm talking about. | ||
These COVID parties where people are trying to catch COVID, that's bullshit though, right? | ||
Yeah, but these aren't. | ||
Remember, I was telling you, they were saying there's like these giant L.A. Hollywood Hills mansion parties that are going to start shutting down. | ||
These were on TV. They had like... | ||
The cameras that are usually doing the high-speed chases, they were like watching these. | ||
Well, my, yeah, that thing's weird because the mayor, rather, is going to shut off the power and shut off the water to these people, right? | ||
There's a certain amount of houses, I think, that no one lives in. | ||
They're just normally rented out for houses for parties in general, and they're probably, people were just like, oh, we're going to use one of those. | ||
That was like what Bilzerian was doing, right? | ||
Yeah, he rented this big giant-ass house in Bel Air and he'd have these big crazy influencer parties. | ||
People get real mad. | ||
Yeah. | ||
If you live in these neighborhoods and you're a regular person with a regular life, and then all of a sudden an influencer party moves in next door, and all day long they're just blasting music and fucking smoking weed, and you're like, oh no! | ||
Yeah, well I remember Jake and Logan Paul used to have a house right by the improv. | ||
Yes. | ||
And kids would just show up at their house. | ||
There would be like, it looked like a block party. | ||
There were all these teenage girls. | ||
Yelling out their window. | ||
And all the neighbors were like, we're just trying to live. | ||
Yeah, they fucked up. | ||
And now that one of the brothers, Jake or Logan, got raided. | ||
His house got raided. | ||
I think that was Jake. | ||
There were guns everywhere. | ||
Yeah, well, he was the guy that was at the Arizona mall. | ||
Yeah, looting. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Whoops. | ||
Why people looting is very interesting. | ||
It's not good. | ||
Yeah, it's weird watching people just steal shit and run out of stores. | ||
You're like, wow, this is so weird. | ||
It's just weird watching. | ||
Yeah, it feels very like an apocalyptic movie. | ||
It does. | ||
Well, it comes out in these big bursts, too. | ||
Like what happened in Chicago, these big bursts of looting. | ||
And you're watching on television and you're like, this is such a crazy virus that's in the air. | ||
But it's indicative of all these people needing things and being broke as fuck, man. | ||
Like not having any work at all for months and months and months and watch the economy crumble with no like you would steal too I think we would all steal if we were 20 years old and fucked up and You're that that's where you live and everybody else is stealing like let's do it. | ||
unidentified
|
Let's fucking do it. | |
You run in that store You know There's a thing that happens to people when there's a bunch of us and things go sideways like chaos big chaos moments and Well, there's always chaos, but it's like somewhat controlled, you know? | ||
The chaos is organized in a way where you feel like there's no chaos and things are smooth. | ||
And I think this just kind of cracked it open where it's like, oh, we can just kind of do whatever. | ||
Well, the thin veneer of civilization has been exposed. | ||
There's some cracks, and you see right through it. | ||
And you saw through it during the looting. | ||
In Santa Monica, I was watching this guy run around with a gun, and he's pointing it at people, and this other guy was yelling at him, and he's sticking the gun at him, and then he runs into traffic, and people are honking, this guy's got a gun, and there's just people running out of stores stealing shit. | ||
unidentified
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And I remember watching that video going, whoa, this is Santa Monica? | |
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
This is wild. | |
There was a movie, and in the movie, a disease spread that made people reckless and wild. | ||
And they started stealing and assaulting each other and carrying guns everywhere. | ||
unidentified
|
It was just a disease that flew through the air. | |
You'd be like, what a crazy movie. | ||
Like, this is Santa Monica 2020. Like, meh, meh, fuck. | ||
unidentified
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Santa Monica? | |
It was like someone had sprayed something in the air that made people hyper-aggressive and reckless and crazy. | ||
That's what it seemed like. | ||
Because you go into that fight or flight mode. | ||
You're like, I don't know what's going to happen. | ||
I don't know where I fit into this equation. | ||
There's that, but I think there's also something else going on. | ||
When they say that term mob mentality, have you ever felt it? | ||
For sure. | ||
Have you ever been in a place where a fight breaks out at a basketball game or something like that? | ||
Anywhere where there's a large group of people and a fight breaks out, there's a crackling in the air. | ||
unidentified
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You're ready to stab somebody. | |
It's nuts. | ||
That's how I felt at the UFC. I was like, I'm taking jiu-jitsu right now. | ||
Sign me up. | ||
That's a little different. | ||
But I'm talking about lawless shit. | ||
The violence that you see at the UFC is the best substitute because it's completely controlled. | ||
Everybody has a hold of it. | ||
There's rules. | ||
There's a referee. | ||
There's doctors. | ||
There's trained fighters. | ||
There's so many rules. | ||
Yes. | ||
It's very well set up and very important. | ||
But the thing about it is... | ||
That is violence, but it's just violence in the most controlled and safe way. | ||
What I'm talking about is lawless violence. | ||
When shit breaks out like a scrap in a parking lot when people are fighting, that's when things are strange. | ||
Because that's that feeling like fucking anything can happen. | ||
Someone can shoot somebody, somebody can run people over. | ||
People generally never run people over on purpose, but they do when they're yelling at each other. | ||
Like if you're at a gas station, you see someone fucking run someone over on a YouTube video, you're like, oh my god, like what is happening? | ||
Yeah. | ||
They're going sideways. | ||
Conflict makes me so anxious. | ||
I hate seeing, like, fights or any... | ||
Like, it just makes me sweat. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
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Well, it's dangerous. | |
Like, verbal altercation stresses me out. | ||
I was at a... | ||
It turned into a riot where seven or eight... | ||
I think 13 cars got flipped over after Ohio State beat Michigan one year. | ||
We were headed to the national championship. | ||
And you could feel around 4 o'clock when one couch was on fire in the middle of the street that, like... | ||
We're in the hornet's nest. | ||
This shit's about to go down later, and it definitely did. | ||
I remember seeing the SWAT team get up at the end of the street, knee-knocker bullets getting blasted out, tear gas, almost like what's been going on now. | ||
This was like 18 years ago. | ||
But as you were sort of saying, I was like, actually, that one time after the Conor and Khabib fight, I was in the crowd right where that was happening. | ||
For about three minutes, it felt crazy. | ||
And then they kind of got a hold of everything and they were like, it's fine, but it felt nuts there for a second. | ||
That could have been crazy. | ||
It could have been really crazy. | ||
That was one of those moments where, you know, those lawless melee moments. | ||
That was pretty controlled as far as a lawless melee. | ||
There was a bunch of police around or whatever, but just for that little spot, because I was right there and there was some drunk guy next to me. | ||
The thing about that one, though, it was so entertaining because it was two of the best fighters in the world involved in post-fight brawls, right? | ||
So Connors getting beat up by these dudes who were jumping over the cage. | ||
Complete chaos, excitement, and it's just like, hey, we got overtime. | ||
But that's what I think kept people from fighting in the crowd. | ||
What they were seeing was so entertaining. | ||
You don't get in a fight in the middle of a great fight. | ||
You get in a fight when something happens and then you decide... | ||
It was just weird. | ||
It was weird. | ||
I was putting myself back in the feeling of like, hold on, the fight's over. | ||
And now what's going on around me? | ||
This is crazy. | ||
Oh, shit. | ||
That's the only time I've felt that again. | ||
When the cars were getting flipped, me and my friends, we knew better than to get in it. | ||
Doesn't it feel like something changes in the air? | ||
Yeah, plus you could smell the tear gas that day, but yeah Yeah, but there's something about like chaos where I think it's because of war I think every human being that's alive today is the descendant of people who are successful in war It just seems like war has always been around right and ever since the first you know really Primitive primates hit each other with rocks and figured out that it's a better way to do it than just biting each other. | ||
You know, the first animal that figured out how to start, you know, attacking other groups and dominate them and gain success and gain their food and gain their women. | ||
They've just been doing that ever since. | ||
So we are the people that survived that. | ||
I think there's a switch that goes off when there's like a riot, when it's some chaos. | ||
Any fucking thing can happen right now. | ||
And people do shit they would never do. | ||
It's like a melee button that gets hit. | ||
You felt it, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Shit's scary. | ||
And this is what we're seeing as a country. | ||
Like, the whole country hit this melee button. | ||
And that's where the looting and the... | ||
I mean, people are way more aggressive. | ||
I mean, I'm watching people drive different. | ||
People just running red lights. | ||
Broke people run red lights sometimes. | ||
Like, fucking five months! | ||
They just don't want to stop. | ||
They're cutting people off. | ||
I'm watching this lady just pull out of this COVID test place and clip some lady's car. | ||
She was frantic. | ||
It does feel like people are more on edge now. | ||
unidentified
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100%. | |
Yeah, I think people being inside and this kind of unknown feeling is really causing people to go through a lot of mental anguish. | ||
And then we go back to the financial shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They're like, how do I get out of this? | ||
Yeah. | ||
How do I get out of this? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, if it's already five months in, and I know this is gonna go on until January, how do I get out of this? | ||
Yeah, and it's like when things open up and I can start doing shows again, it's like, but am I gonna be doing enough shows to, like, be, like, am I gonna have to work at a chicken wings restaurant again? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Are there gonna be real shows anytime soon? | ||
When do you think those are gonna happen? | ||
When is it gonna be the first show? | ||
The first real show in LA? I'm thinking January or February at the earliest. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what I think. | ||
Do you think magicians are struggling right now? | ||
Do you think they feel the same way? | ||
I think they're killing it. | ||
They're out there killing it. | ||
TikTok? | ||
TikTok music? | ||
Do they have magicians on TikTok? | ||
Probably. | ||
Seriously, anything you can think of, there's TikToks about it. | ||
Is there archery? | ||
Probably, yeah. | ||
Trick shots could be good on there, yeah. | ||
Oh, there's dudes who do crazy shit. | ||
There's a guy who can shoot a... | ||
What's the circle? | ||
Lifesaver. | ||
Ping pong out of his coochie? | ||
He throws a lifesaver in the air, and he can shoot it and hit it while it's in the air. | ||
What the hell? | ||
Yeah. | ||
In case you want to kill a bug with your bow. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Tick-tocking. | ||
Tick-tock. | ||
Yeah, I think January is probably the earliest we're going to see clubs open up here. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because here we are in August. | ||
There's no chance. | ||
Anytime soon. | ||
Oh, archery on TikTok. | ||
It's half a billion views for the hashtag archery. | ||
Oh, that's crazy. | ||
Go dive deep. | ||
Archeries. | ||
Go to that one right there. | ||
Bam. | ||
That dude's about to whack that elk. | ||
No, he's not. | ||
It's too small. | ||
He's going to let it go. | ||
What do you mean it's too small? | ||
That is a big animal, but that's a young elk. | ||
You want a big old elk? | ||
Well, you don't want to shoot the young ones unless they have an overpopulation of them, and then they give out what they call a spike tag, because they would call that a spike elk. | ||
Well, it didn't know he was there. | ||
When the elk are horny in particular, which is when you find him in the rut, they scream. | ||
You ever heard of Elk Scream? | ||
unidentified
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Mm-mm. | |
Go to the Busy Wild Instagram page. | ||
There we go. | ||
They make the most amazing sound. | ||
Or Cameron Haynes. | ||
Cameron Haynes has it on his page. | ||
Go to Cameron Haynes' Instagram page. | ||
There's a video of an elk standing and then screaming. | ||
And as it's screaming, the smoke is coming out of its mouth because it's the hot air and the cold air. | ||
Cold winter mountain and the hot air coming out of its mouth and you can see it all spraying in the air. | ||
No, not that one. | ||
There's another one. | ||
The one on the far... | ||
That's it, right there. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Give me some volume. | ||
Look at this. | ||
unidentified
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Look at this. | |
Yeah. | ||
And look at the smoke. | ||
The smoke coming out of his mouth. | ||
All the steam. | ||
I mean, how dope is that? | ||
Watch this. | ||
That's the king of the mountain. | ||
That big motherfucker is the king of the mountains. | ||
Is that a female or a male? | ||
That's a male. | ||
That's a bull. | ||
Damn. | ||
See the antlers? | ||
Those antlers are 100% to let the bitches know and to fuck up other dudes. | ||
That's what they do. | ||
They kill each other with those things all the time. | ||
unidentified
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Crazy. | |
Yeah. | ||
They run into each other and stab each other with the weapons that nature has bestowed upon them. | ||
They grow them out every year and then they fall off. | ||
So that? | ||
That would fall off. | ||
And then new ones would grow in a couple of months. | ||
unidentified
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Is that real? | |
Yes, that's real. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's the king of the mountain. | ||
Crazy. | ||
I don't think it's on that same page. | ||
I wish I could find the page it was on because I forgot to bookmark it. | ||
But there was a crazy video of this elk running away from this pack of wolves. | ||
And this pack of wolves is just snapping at its legs and just running up behind it and chasing it, snapping at its legs. | ||
And then they eventually just swarm it. | ||
It is ruthless. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It is so wild to see that these... | ||
These just giant ancestors of dogs exist free in the mountains. | ||
It's really fucking pretty amazing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So in North America, wolves taking out a giant elk and you could watch the video. | ||
I mean, I don't know if they did it from a drone or what because it was up in the sky and it's so ruthless. | ||
Is this one? | ||
This is where the wolves are chasing them. | ||
But when they get one, and they can run really good in the snow because their feet at the end of them are webbed almost like a snowshoe. | ||
They have really enormous feet. | ||
Whereas the elk kind of sink in the snow and it hinders their movement. | ||
Can you imagine? | ||
That has been playing out, that war between wolves and elk. | ||
That's been playing out for thousands and thousands of years. | ||
When did you get into all of the hunting and stuff like that? | ||
Look at how they bite them on the legs. | ||
This is how they go after them. | ||
They bite them on the legs. | ||
Yeah, this is the video. | ||
This is it. | ||
So this is where I saw it on Instagram. | ||
I'm not showing it on screen because you can't. | ||
Yeah, the elk is running and the wolfpack is behind it. | ||
And you can see he keeps going deeper and deeper into the snow and he's stumbling. | ||
And the wolves just eventually get him. | ||
And when they get him, it's ruthless. | ||
We don't have to watch it. | ||
Wolfpack gives chase to a group of elk. | ||
Yeah, there you go. | ||
And there's another one. | ||
Grizzly bear chases elk in Yellowstone Park. | ||
Somebody posted one yesterday. | ||
I wish I saw it. | ||
I wish I bookmarked that one, too. | ||
But it was a bison hitting another bison and making it fly through the air. | ||
That's crazy. | ||
So these people are in the road, right? | ||
And they're watching these bison walk across the road. | ||
And the bison start fucking with each other. | ||
And one of them gets mad and runs at the other one and launches him into the air. | ||
So you're looking at a 2,000 plus pound animal and this other 2,000 plus pound animal throws it through the air with its head. | ||
Just makes it go flying. | ||
Have you ever accidentally hit an animal when driving? | ||
Just hit squirrels. | ||
Yeah, it's a bummer. | ||
Do you feel sad? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, because you hear them tumble inside your wheel well and shit. | |
One time I ran over a bunny and I was traumatized. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's sad. | ||
That is sad, Allie. | ||
Thanks for letting us know. | ||
You didn't bring Marshall. | ||
I wanted to meet the dog. | ||
Yeah, unfortunately. | ||
I'm gonna go shoot guns after this. | ||
I'm going next week. | ||
Yeah? | ||
Where are you going? | ||
I think Angeles Forest. | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
Yeah, I know where that is. | ||
Just the outdoor. | ||
Yeah, there's a great range out there. | ||
Yeah, my friend Toks has a bunch of guns. | ||
Have you done it before? | ||
I went with him once before and I cried the first time. | ||
Cried the first time you pulled the trigger? | ||
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
In ecstasy? | ||
No, yeah fear cuz I was just like it was just so scary. | ||
It's such a powerful feeling And it really freaked me out and then I started to have fun and I was like Wow. | ||
You got into it. | ||
You went the other way. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But it was like one of those things where I'm like, I'd be fine if I never did. | ||
I wasn't like, I have to keep doing this, but if the opportunity presents itself. | ||
So it didn't become an obsession, but you were entertained. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There were certain guns that I liked shooting more than others that were more fun. | ||
It's a smart thing to learn how to do. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Unfortunately, when you see the Santa Monica scene, you see the thin veneer of civilization pulled off and how easily people can go crazy. | ||
It's a bummer, but it's real. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah. | ||
I just hope it all gets better. | ||
Me too. | ||
I feel like everyone's so negative. | ||
Are you eagerly anticipating what's going to happen during the election? | ||
Are you weirded out by, like, the possibility that no matter who wins, it could be chaos? | ||
Yeah, I think, like what you were saying, it's like it's already, you know, we already kind of see through the government and realize it's all pretty fucked, regardless of whoever wins, no matter how good the candidate is. | ||
But I also think that this has shown us, like, we do have so much power to influence what happens. | ||
It's not so much who the figure is or the person wearing the suit, it's more about, like, people coming together and, like, making some change themselves. | ||
You sound like a person who bought in all the political propaganda that they're pumping out in the news right now. | ||
It's really about big businesses and special interests making as much money as possible and keeping people fat and stupid. | ||
And they do their best to keep us uneducated, trapped inside our house with low vitamin D. And then they create viruses. | ||
And then they release those viruses on purpose. | ||
No, I don't think that. | ||
I know, I know, I know. | ||
Only fucking around if you didn't get it, people at home. | ||
Yeah, I don't know. | ||
I think we're just realizing that we do have more power to influence how things go. | ||
Sure, we do. | ||
We have more of a voice, for sure, than ever before. | ||
It's very interesting. | ||
I just want people, hopefully, to use their voice in a positive way. | ||
I think that it's really easy to attack people, regardless of whether it's political or not nowadays. | ||
With anything going on, it's so easy to be a negative voice. | ||
You feel angry. | ||
The anger that most people have is accentuated by the economic situation and the virus situation. | ||
Right? | ||
So even if you are already like an angry person, you're gonna be really angry now and frustrated. | ||
And it doesn't seem like a way out. | ||
I almost like the way people are behaving today with all the tension and all the infighting and all the chaos. | ||
It's almost like this isn't, it's not even their fault. | ||
I really almost feel that way. | ||
I feel like most people are so unprepared for something this stressful and anything that's really stressful like that gets you so out of your head. | ||
And when everybody's out of their head and no one can just calm down, it's not a good combination. | ||
It's not good for anybody. | ||
And the real problem is there's not a real clear antidote for it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's not a real clear path out of this. | ||
That's what makes me real nervous. | ||
That's why I know it sounds so Miss Congeniality, but I think like if people were just like nicer to each other, it sounds so corny, but not all the time. | ||
It doesn't need to be like phony niceness, but rather than being like mean or negative or attacking, just don't say... | ||
I mean, I don't know, I just... | ||
People have requirements, and one of the requirements is they have to be able to make a living. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, and as much as I think that universal basic income, like one of the things is this whole pandemic shit, it's shown us that it's not a bad idea to have a certain amount of money that you have allocated to everybody so that they could pay their bills and pay for food. | ||
It seems like we should have figured that out. | ||
And Andrew Yang was talking about this in terms of automation, but... | ||
It's just as important, or more important, with this, with the pandemic. | ||
You don't have any choices. | ||
If automation comes and takes your job, maybe you can figure out another job. | ||
But if there's no fucking jobs because no one's allowed to work, then that's the best argument ever for universal basic income. | ||
You can't do anything. | ||
It's not your fault. | ||
I feel like OnlyFans is like the new trading of furs. | ||
It's like, here's nudes. | ||
Can I make money? | ||
Do you need anything? | ||
unidentified
|
That is such a great joke! | |
You shouldn't have said that on the podcast. | ||
You should have saved that one. | ||
Okay, I'm putting it in the bank. | ||
Yeah, we have to fucking delete that. | ||
No, keep it in. | ||
It's funny. | ||
It's very funny. | ||
People, yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
It's very funny. | |
I need any funny moments so I can get it. | ||
Leave it the way it is and then just expand upon it as a bit because you're totally right. | ||
It is like the new trading at first. | ||
Because I was thinking, I'm like, okay, well, if comedy's dead and there's, like, I can either sell chicken wings, but, like, I don't know. | ||
There's only so many. | ||
I want to go back to trading, but there's only so much you can trade and, like, the only thing I have is my feet. | ||
During times of great prosperity, being a ho is a choice. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Right? | ||
unidentified
|
But there's a lot of reluctant hoes I'm a scared hoe. | |
On the inside, I'm like, I'm a bad bitch. | ||
I listen to Meg Thee Stallion, Cardi B, Wet Ass Pussies, My Anthem, and then I'll talk to a guy on a dating app, and I'm like, do you want to go to the park? | ||
I don't know. | ||
What do you want to do? | ||
Even though you enjoy those art forms and people's expression, in general, you're a pretty calm person. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's why. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You like that music because it's fun, but that doesn't define you. | ||
No. | ||
How funny was that Ben Shapiro thing? | ||
Oh my... | ||
The wet-ass pussy thing? | ||
Oh my god. | ||
That's the result of a gynecological situation. | ||
Yeah. | ||
How did he say it? | ||
I don't even know. | ||
He was reading them and he's like, well, in conclusion, a wet-ass pussy is actually not that wet. | ||
Um, Ben. | ||
Benny. | ||
Stay in your lane. | ||
Benny, boy. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
I mean, I like Ben Shapiro. | ||
Let me just state this. | ||
I think people get the wrong impression about him all the time. | ||
I think he's a very nice guy. | ||
He's a very smart guy. | ||
But he has his blind spots, like we all do. | ||
And when you think that wet-ass pussy is a gynecological condition, mmm. | ||
Whoops. | ||
Let me tell you something. | ||
The mass humiliation of Ben Shapiro. | ||
I don't like him. | ||
He scares me. | ||
I like him as a human. | ||
I know him as a human being. | ||
And that's a problem. | ||
Like you see someone who does like performative work about politics because part of what he does is funny. | ||
Like he has a mug that says leftist tears. | ||
You know, when he serves you water, like when Ezra Klein from Vox was on his show, he drank out of a cup that said, left his tears. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And they were actually talking about it. | ||
Like, he's like, don't you think this is an issue? | ||
He's like, I think it's funny. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He leans into it. | ||
Look, he's a good guy. | ||
He's just not perfect. | ||
Not like all of us. | ||
This is the thing. | ||
You want to find one thing wrong with a person and fucking hate him. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's just silly. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You can still think he's a nice guy and still think it's fucking silly to make fun of wet pussy. | ||
Totally. | ||
Or it's like, I might not like the guy, but I don't need to, like, attack him. | ||
Yeah, I'm telling you, he's a good guy. | ||
But he does have a goofy-ass little smirk. | ||
Well, he's a professional. | ||
Look, one of the reasons why people love Floyd Mayweather is because he talks so much shit. | ||
He talks so much shit. | ||
He's always showing his money. | ||
He's kind of trolling in a way. | ||
That's become such a thing in fighting. | ||
And then, well, with him, he was so good at it. | ||
Because he was a guy who was very safety first as a boxer. | ||
Like, incredibly skillful. | ||
Like, arguably the best boxer of all time. | ||
But... | ||
He didn't go after guys and just engage in wars. | ||
He fought very tactically and he's fighting the best fighters in the world. | ||
So he has to fight very cautiously sometimes. | ||
That's the correct way to do it. | ||
But he figured out a way to get people to pay attention because That generally, like, being the most skillful is great, but you want people to pay attention. | ||
So you want to be like a Mike Tyson guy who knocks everybody out. | ||
Well, if you're not a Mike Tyson guy that knocks everybody out, the best way to get people to pay attention is make them want you to lose. | ||
Show them all your money. | ||
Oh, look at that watch. | ||
It's a million dollars. | ||
Look at this hat. | ||
Look at these diamonds. | ||
Look at this jet. | ||
I just flew in and bit you and get shit. | ||
No! | ||
And you just want to beat him up. | ||
You want him to get his ass kicked. | ||
But meanwhile, he's the best boxer ever. | ||
And so he's just outboxing all these people and he never gets his ass kicked. | ||
It's kind of funny. | ||
I mean, if you really pay attention to it, it's kind of funny. | ||
Well, Ben Shapiro, that's kind of what he does. | ||
He says things knowing it's going to piss people off and then they're paying attention to him. | ||
But he also says some things that make sense. | ||
He's very good at debate. | ||
He's very good at arguing with... | ||
Uneducated people who just automatically subscribe to left-wing ideas. | ||
He can chop those up quick if you don't have your thoughts dialed in and your argument dialed in. | ||
But he's, you know, he's a person. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He's a very nice guy. | ||
unidentified
|
I like him. | |
We're all people. | ||
unidentified
|
Just people. | |
Why can't we all just get along? | ||
Because we're all scared. | ||
I know! | ||
But we, this is the, this is the, if I can, you know, people go, oh, it's fucking easy for you guys. | ||
You're fucking making money. | ||
You're a comedian. | ||
You're this and... | ||
You're right. | ||
But what Allie's saying... | ||
If we just be nicer to each other is the solution. | ||
I think it is. | ||
If there's more camaraderie and understanding and seeing that people like Ben or Alex Jones, all your fun friends, you know, they're all people. | ||
Yeah, they're human beings. | ||
You know, I don't, yeah. | ||
This is the thing that's like, this is one of the real problems with cancel culture. | ||
Like, they'll say something like, oh, Matt Lauer's got plenty of money. | ||
Make up a person who's been cancelled. | ||
Oh, they're fine. | ||
They got plenty of money. | ||
You're not thinking about what hurts. | ||
Yeah, it's material. | ||
Yeah, what hurts is the psychological aspect of whatever it is. | ||
What we're doing is we're lashing out at people for mistakes and we're saying it in a way where there's no way you can get better. | ||
This is who you are forever. | ||
Yeah, and there's a narrative that people create. | ||
They assume that they know things about you and want to create this story to make it look a certain way to validate their point when it's like no one knows anyone entirely. | ||
You have kids. | ||
You don't know exactly who they are because they're their own little thing, you know? | ||
Exactly. | ||
And as much as you think you know something about someone, you just don't. | ||
And I feel like everyone should be worthy of redemption. | ||
And again, we're not talking about crimes. | ||
I'm not talking about people stealing or murder or rape or chaos or stabbing or shooting. | ||
I'm not talking about that. | ||
What we're talking about is... | ||
Public execution. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's a thing that people are doing now where they just love the pile on. | ||
And it's because there's... | ||
They're not in a good place. | ||
There's so much negativity. | ||
I was watching this one pile-on where this guy was... | ||
Oh, this is from Douglas Murray's book. | ||
That's what it was. | ||
Douglas Murray's book, The Madness of Crowds. | ||
He's a brilliant man and author who is often... | ||
Misrepresented. | ||
They often misrepresent his positions on things because he takes a pragmatic, non-woke... | ||
But he's a gay man. | ||
Gay man from England who's brilliant. | ||
And so it's hard... | ||
They get real confused. | ||
They run into him and they're like, shit! | ||
Yeah, but being gay or having something that makes you stand out doesn't make you a... | ||
Well they have a problem like if he has opinions on trans people or if he has opinions on even on gay people even on like his his opinions are he thinks what he thinks and he's smart enough to be able to express it in a way that's very difficult to argue yeah and because of that people they get pissy about it I remember what I was talking about like what was the initial point Uh, public execution. | ||
No, it was before that. | ||
People being, uh... | ||
Shit! | ||
Fuck! | ||
I had a point. | ||
Did you take your alpha brain? | ||
I didn't today. | ||
What were you talking about right before that, though? | ||
Um, just about, fuck, people deserving second chances and redemption, and that we're all material things, like you can take away someone's money or whatever, they have enough money, they should be fine. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I have a terrible memory. | ||
No alpha brain. | ||
Beta brain. | ||
I can't believe I forgot the story. | ||
What is that shirt? | ||
The hundreds! | ||
Shout out to Bobby and Ben! | ||
What is that, Jamie? | ||
How dare you? | ||
How dare I? It's Back to the Future. | ||
That's Back to the Future? | ||
Yeah, it's Doc and Barney. | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
It looks like a blob and a lightning bolt. | ||
Let me put my glasses on. | ||
Joe's about to roast. | ||
I can barely see that. | ||
Can you tell? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Back to the Future. | ||
Goddammit, I'm trying to remember the fucking story, and I can't. | ||
What are you drinking, that yellow? | ||
This is the Laird Hamilton Turmeric Superfood Coffee. | ||
Have you had any of that? | ||
No. | ||
You should try it. | ||
Okay. | ||
Are you into any health shit right now? | ||
Just like in terms of like eating and drinking? | ||
Just taking care of yourself. | ||
Are you exercising? | ||
Yeah, well skating. | ||
I've been doing that like almost every day. | ||
Skateboarding? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Do you wear pads and shit? | ||
If I'm trying to do something crazy, I will, but if I'm just kind of like cruising around trying to work on my ollies and shavits and whatnot, I won't wear the pads. | ||
But if I'm trying to like drop in, which I'm really afraid to do, then I'll put on like the knee pads, wrist guards, uh, helmet. | ||
I'm not trying to get a concussion. | ||
Are you doing crazy shit? | ||
Like you going over the lip and like scraping the bottom of your board and dropping back down in? | ||
No, I'm using my way into it. | ||
Look at you. | ||
You look ferocious. | ||
Oh yeah. | ||
Like you're ready to shred. | ||
I am. | ||
You're ready to go down a railing. | ||
It's so fun. | ||
Do you do the railing shit? | ||
No. | ||
See, I was trying to drop in. | ||
This guy helped me. | ||
His name's Chris. | ||
He just like came up to me. | ||
He saw me struggling and he was like, here, let me help you. | ||
But if he wasn't there, I would've eaten shit. | ||
Looks like you were about to. | ||
I was about to, for sure. | ||
What happened there? | ||
That was just me posted up, cross-eyed. | ||
Thought you were injured. | ||
No, not yet. | ||
So why did you decide that was the thing? | ||
So, okay, so I got back to my house. | ||
I had a room that was open to rent. | ||
One of my roommates left. | ||
And my friend was like, oh, I have a buddy who's looking for a place. | ||
So this guy comes to my house, checks out the room. | ||
My roommates are asking him questions like, what do you do for work? | ||
And he's like, oh, like skate stuff, whatever. | ||
He was very vague. | ||
And when he was walking out to leave, I saw my skateboard. | ||
I've had this board for like four or five years. | ||
I got it from Supreme. | ||
I like the deck. | ||
I thought that I was going to be like a skater. | ||
I thought that everyone would fall in love with me. | ||
No one did, so I stopped skating. | ||
And so I've had it just sitting in my front yard for like four or five years. | ||
And so he's leaving and I see my board and I'm like, can I resell this? | ||
Like, is there any value or do I just like give it to a kid? | ||
Like, what do I do with this old board? | ||
And he picks it up and he looks at the deck and he's like, this is my pro model board. | ||
What? | ||
Yeah. | ||
And so then ever since then, we've been skating together. | ||
His name's Donovan Piscopo. | ||
He's so tight. | ||
He's so nice. | ||
He's so tight. | ||
Yeah, he's so tight. | ||
He's so sick. | ||
He fucking shreds. | ||
He's so dope. | ||
I remember the story. | ||
This is a story. | ||
This really progressive left-wing person. | ||
unidentified
|
Here we go. | |
Was tweeting something, this tweet storm of like, you know, why does everyone have to be sexist and racist? | ||
Like, he adds all these, like, super woke things. | ||
And they said, and just sitting around eating fucking fast food and watching Netflix. | ||
That's where he made a mistake. | ||
Because then he was fat shaming. | ||
And he didn't realize he was fat shaming when he said that. | ||
And so the people started attacking him. | ||
Like, he said everything in the most woke way possible. | ||
Wait, what did he do? | ||
This is in Douglas Murray's book, Madness of Crowds. | ||
And then he goes on this Twitter apology stream that I think Murray said it lasted 15 tweets. | ||
He's literally begging for his career not to be ended. | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
For saying that people ate junk food. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Ate garbage. | ||
And like, why does everybody have to do all these things that are awful plus get fat? | ||
And like, why are we lazy? | ||
Why are we stupid? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what he's saying. | ||
But you fucked up. | ||
And by saying, like, sitting around eating garbage food, you're fat shaming. | ||
You don't even realize you're being hateful. | ||
And you can't. | ||
There's no room. | ||
There's no room. | ||
There's no room for fucking around. | ||
Like, you can't. | ||
If you want to be a woke person, you can get cancelled at any moment because you never know when the standards have shifted. | ||
They've become more and more radicalized. | ||
And so someone's saying something that five, six years ago would be completely reasonable and make a lot of sense. | ||
The fuck up was talking about people who are fat. | ||
You can't do it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, I think, well, and you can't explain yourself. | ||
There's no room to explain what you mean or your side. | ||
You know, no one wants to hear it. | ||
People just want to be like, you're wrong and you're bad. | ||
Well, it's tag, you're it. | ||
It's a game. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's no room for nuance. | ||
No. | ||
So a person like that, like, well, listen, you really should eat healthier food. | ||
Why are we lying? | ||
Why are we saying that these people eating fast food, why are we saying... | ||
And saying fast food's bad doesn't mean being fat is bad. | ||
Well, being fat's bad. | ||
It's not healthy. | ||
It's not good for you. | ||
But you can't- But I have good friends who are fat. | ||
It's like, listen, people have problems. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm gonna be, I know, I know, I'm gonna hit like 32 and I'm just gonna, oh yeah. | ||
Or you're gonna crossfit. | ||
You might go either way. | ||
Maybe. | ||
But my point is, it doesn't mean that fat is good for you just because you love fat people. | ||
It's still bad for you. | ||
Like if you talk to a doctor, like if you talk to a medical doctor, it's bad for you. | ||
Yes. | ||
So, it's not good. | ||
So, like, pretending it's okay, like, you can be healthy and fat is nonsense. | ||
But the thing is, like, if you say that, you're fat-phobic, or you're fat-shaming, or you're hurting people. | ||
But it's just a fact. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It doesn't mean you hate these people. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It just is what it is. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's a problem. | ||
Whenever you can't say what it is... | ||
Like, no one can handle it. | ||
We're just playing pretend. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
So if a person says all these things you agree with, and then you find this one thing, instead of saying, Bob, I'm totally with you on all of that, but sometimes the people that are eating fast food are just poor. | ||
You're like, you're right. | ||
You're right. | ||
I should have switched that. | ||
And that should be the end of it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
A person, like, when you have an opinion, if you put out a tweet, like, one of the things I see people get attacked the most for is errant views in tweets. | ||
But when you have a tweet... | ||
And you put it out there. | ||
That's not your rock-solid married-to position or anything. | ||
It's a thought. | ||
You're thinking out loud, but you're thinking in a typed form, which is weird. | ||
So if you see it in a typed form, like if you said something fucked up to me, but it was just in the moment, you said something, you thought it was funny, it was fucked up, that's one thing. | ||
But if you write it down, that's a different thing. | ||
Totally. | ||
And it's a thing we don't really understand. | ||
Like, you see something written, like, I know what you said, but I'm going to decide that you meant it this way. | ||
And you can change it and switch it around and move it. | ||
And we were talking about this earlier, that you could even take a thing that would make sense if you said it, like, how about suck it, bitch? | ||
Like, if you just say that out of nowhere... | ||
But you write it down, it's like, what does that mean? | ||
Where's that coming from? | ||
In the moment, it was hilarious. | ||
But when you write it down and just print it somewhere, it's like, what is that? | ||
Because there's no tone. | ||
No context. | ||
And we're pretending. | ||
This is what everybody's doing, canceling people for tweets and getting angry at people for things that they've said. | ||
You're canceling people based on the... | ||
You're trying to deny nuance. | ||
You're trying to deny that people shift and they grow and they learn. | ||
And that's the other thing. | ||
It's like I feel like everyone hopefully you're like trying to grow as a person and learn new things and have new ideas and so it's like if I said something in 2014 it's probably not how I feel about something now. | ||
Or I'm fucking digging my heels in. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Let me tell you why I believe it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But I think, and I've said this before too, but I think the real problem is we can't really read each other's minds. | ||
We rely on language. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't know what you're really thinking. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I don't know what you're really thinking. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
You know, some people are slicker with their words. | ||
Some people are better at convincing. | ||
Some people have their game down. | ||
Some people have manipulated enough people that they're, you know, like salesmen and shit or strippers. | ||
Like people are just really good at selling things. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They know. | ||
They know what they're doing. | ||
I was learning sign language before COVID. I would go to like deaf meetups. | ||
There's like deaf meetups at Starbucks. | ||
Why were you doing that? | ||
My grandma was deaf and I never took the time to like really learn sign language, which now that I think about it is kind of fucked up. | ||
That's like if your grandma spoke like Italian and only Italian and you're like, I'm just gonna speak English and hope you figure it out. | ||
I would love to see roast battle with sign language. | ||
Oh, that would be a lot of body movements, a lot of eyes, big. | ||
That would be a great show. | ||
That's what Netflix should do if they really want to be inclusive. | ||
Yeah. | ||
There's more deaf people probably than a lot of malign people. | ||
What is this? | ||
Oh, I love interpreters at concerts. | ||
That's such an important job. | ||
When we were at the amphitheater in the Bay Area, there was an interpreter, and it made me so happy. | ||
Look how fast she's moving, though. | ||
She's killing it. | ||
Because they're rapping. | ||
I picked up a fast song, Eminem's Rap God. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
Jesus Christ, look at her go. | ||
Sign language is so fascinating to me. | ||
I love it. | ||
That's crazy. | ||
Look how fast she's moving. | ||
She's TikTok-ing! | ||
She's TikTok- Chinese! | ||
That's what it is. | ||
The Chinese government is tricking people into talking in sign language. | ||
I'm on ASL TikTok. | ||
What does that mean? | ||
American Sign Language TikTok. | ||
You are? | ||
Yeah, I love it. | ||
I love sign language. | ||
So you TikTok using actual words? | ||
I don't, but I watch people who are either deaf or interpreters and they make videos on sign language. | ||
But you're learning how to TikTok and sign language at the same time? | ||
Well, I kind of stopped learning sign language during the pandemic. | ||
Oh. | ||
Is it one of those things that you have to stay up on? | ||
Like, you have to sign with people? | ||
Like, you have to talk? | ||
Yeah, it's like any language, where it's like, if you want to get fluent in it, you want to be talking in it all the time, and I don't really have a lot of deaf friends around to speak to, but it was cool going to, like, those deaf meetups at Starbucks. | ||
That is cool. | ||
How much do you really understand a person based on sign language? | ||
You're not fluent at it though, right? | ||
No, but I can sign decent enough. | ||
To have a conversation? | ||
Kind of, yeah. | ||
But I would have to tell them slow, slow. | ||
Do you think that when you get to a point like that interpreter at the concert, you get that good at sign language, you could communicate as clearly? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
But it's the same as any language, where it's like, I might be like, what's up, y'all? | ||
It's lit. | ||
And you might be like, oh, I'm older. | ||
I don't understand what lit means. | ||
Oh, I know what lit means. | ||
I just thought it had already gone away. | ||
I'm bringing it back. | ||
Tight was what threw me off. | ||
When you're like, he's tight. | ||
I'm like, uh-huh. | ||
But it's like if you go to a different part, like if you go to a different state, sometimes the way that people speak, maybe like in Texas, in certain rural parts, you wouldn't really understand certain things that they say or how they say them. | ||
So it's the same with sign language. | ||
Like you can say doctor like this or like this, but if you're learning and you only know this way to say it, then if someone does that, you're like, what the fuck does that mean? | ||
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
One more time. | ||
So doctor is touch your wrist to check your pulse like that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And there's a D, so doctor. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, where's the D? D. Oh, wow. | |
But when you go down and touch it, now it becomes... | ||
So now it's just doctor on your wrist, I guess. | ||
A P that fell over on its back. | ||
Would anyone there be different, like, not ASL? Because I didn't... | ||
Once I learned American Sign Language, I was like, wait a second. | ||
Your French Sign Language, Spanish Sign Language. | ||
Oh, that's annoying. | ||
How much different is it? | ||
It's very different. | ||
I don't know. | ||
It's very different. | ||
unidentified
|
Completely different language. | |
So if you went over there, I'd be like, you don't even know the language. | ||
Nope. | ||
Oh, you fucks. | ||
You had the one chance to make a universal language. | ||
I know. | ||
It's so fascinating. | ||
I'm like very interested in like the deaf community and sign language and all of that. | ||
Linguistics. | ||
I got super high once. | ||
I think it was in the tank. | ||
And when I came out I had this idea that alien life If it wanted to communicate with us would come up with a way like a type of language that everyone could understand like a language that got right into your brain a Language that instead of you having to interpret what the sounds mean and turn them into words It's some new kind of technology that allow like as they're making this sound as they're putting out the signal it's going straight into you and And you automatically understand | ||
it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Without knowing what they're saying. | ||
Without having actual... | ||
Bob said you guys should come to the spaceship. | ||
Instead of seeing you know what it means without having hearing sound. | ||
Like you'll have to disassociate the idea of these sounds meaning these words. | ||
You'll just know what it means. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh, that movie? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh, that movie was crazy. | ||
Well, didn't they do it like visually? | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
It was like time doesn't matter. | ||
unidentified
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Right. | |
There's no sentences. | ||
It was all memes and like... | ||
Right. | ||
It was like they would spray black ink into the sky, right? | ||
What did they do for like... | ||
Let me see what it looked like again. | ||
Yeah, there it goes. | ||
They spray black ink and it makes like weird patterns and that's how they would communicate. | ||
Have you seen... | ||
But that makes sense. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Have you seen the trailer for Tenet? | ||
Is that what it's called? | ||
Mm-hmm. | ||
I've been excited for the movie to come out for a while. | ||
I think there's a guy named Ray Kurzweil and he's this brilliant guy who wants to live to be a thousand years old and he's got this series of patents that he's come up with. | ||
I mean he's really like a legitimately genius guy and I got a chance to interview him once way back. | ||
But one of the things that we talked about was he was talking about downloading consciousness into a computer. | ||
And they think that there's going to come a point in time where you will be eternal because you're going to figure out a way to take whoever Ali Mikofsky is and put it in a computer and download it. | ||
And your material body, your physical body, your biological body won't mean anything anymore. | ||
You're going to exist as you inside this computer, inside this thing. | ||
I've always thought that that's probably what alien life is. | ||
What alien life is is something that has gotten to the point where it doesn't need a physical form anymore. | ||
Like, whatever consciousness is, they've figured out a way to contain it in non-biological systems. | ||
So they take whatever you are when you're born, but then the thing is, like, how does that thing replicate? | ||
What are they doing to make sure the power stays on? | ||
Like, what are they doing? | ||
Keto? | ||
Probably. | ||
Squats. | ||
I think life could be all kinds of shapes. | ||
I think life could be... | ||
There was some speculations these scientists were trying to figure out whether or not light could be a life form. | ||
Like, there could be forms of life that are made entirely of light. | ||
Well, everything's energy, right? | ||
I don't know if everything's energy. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I thought I'd throw that out and it would make sense. | ||
Just really lazy. | ||
But like we're made of energy, you know? | ||
Yeah, we're made of energy. | ||
But what we think of as life, we think of as like a frog. | ||
Or like an Ally Makovsky or a Jamie Vernon. | ||
unidentified
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Something with a pulse. | |
Yeah, but it's possible that life might be... | ||
Like I thought about ideas. | ||
Like when you have an idea and then that idea gets in your head like, man, I don't like that idea. | ||
And then you start working to... | ||
Fulfill that idea. | ||
You build a thing. | ||
Maybe you have an idea how to build a thing. | ||
And then you build a thing. | ||
That's a thing that forced you to make it. | ||
It's like you had an idea that bumped, jumped into your brain, and then it's like, listen, bitch, you need to make a canoe, like a canoe. | ||
How would I make a canoe? | ||
You take a log, you fucking hollow out the sand, you roll around inside of it, just go down the river. | ||
And then all of a sudden, this idea that pops into your head, and you start doing all the work, now you have a physical thing that literally allowed itself to be born by getting this idea that invades your consciousness and tricks you into making things. | ||
Doesn't that make you think that everything's already kind of decided? | ||
Like, you know, you have free will and control, but to some extent everything's kind of already, what's going to happen is going to happen. | ||
That's not necessarily true. | ||
I think you do have free will, but I think you also have determinism. | ||
I think this is something that people have argued successfully where you really have to take a step back and go, okay, what do I think about who a person is right now? | ||
Like if I meet a person and I meet this woman and she's all fucked up and she lies a lot and she likes to do drugs and she doesn't know what she's doing with her life and she cries. | ||
Like, oh, get your shit together, bitch. | ||
Is that what you think? | ||
What do you think when you meet a person like that? | ||
Do you take any consideration, like, oh, this is a person who is the granddaughter of alcoholics, and it all boiled down to genetics and terrible... | ||
So all of her systems that came online when she was two and five and six... | ||
They all came online during alcoholic households and people were physically abusive and you're hiding in the corner of your bedroom and it was all chaos and drinking when you're 12. Like when you get to that 35-year-old person and they've gone through this insane pattern without any intervention. | ||
Nothing switches. | ||
How much of their life are they really responsible for? | ||
It's a real question. | ||
It's like, who are you? | ||
You are the combination of all the things that have ever happened to you, your genetics, all the weird shit that you inherit from your parents. | ||
You inherit a lot of ideas, they think, even from your parents. | ||
Not just learn from them, but actually inherit these ideas. | ||
And then you do the best with what you got. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
And some people's got is fucking terrible. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Do you think we're living in a simulation? | ||
I'm too dumb. | ||
Same. | ||
To take that into consideration. | ||
But I think it seems legitimately weird. | ||
It seems like it changes too much. | ||
Like, reality itself changes too much. | ||
And things come up that seem like if there was going to be a simulation, this is how it would go down. | ||
Like, I remember when I first started reading about simulation theory, it was right around the time where Anthony Weiner got busted for sending pictures of his deck. | ||
I'm like, what are the odds? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, that seems like... | ||
It's so on the nose. | ||
It seems like some of you would really... | ||
It's so on the Weiner. | ||
If your name was Weiner, you'd avoid showing people your heart. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm like, this is terrible. | ||
You'd castrate yourself. | ||
No more Weiner. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
But if we're going to come up with one someday, obviously not you and me, but someone really smart is going to come up with a simulation, it's going to eventually get good enough where you can't tell that you're in a simulation. | ||
That's what's fucked up. | ||
That's what's fucked up. | ||
What's fucked up is if it isn't here, it's coming. | ||
Yeah. | ||
This took me a long time. | ||
Like, I had a conversation with this guy, Nick Bollstrom, who's a brilliant guy who is a big proponent of this concept. | ||
And he was explaining it through, like, probability theory. | ||
I was a little too dumb to understand what you're saying, but basically what you're saying is, if you do, if it's possible that someday someone, essentially, I'm paraphrasing, Someday we'll have a simulation. | ||
Like, what are the odds that this is a simulation? | ||
It's more likely that this is a simulation than not. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You just gotta pray that whoever's doing the simulation is looking out for you. | ||
The other possibility is that we know the simulation's coming. | ||
That's the other possibility. | ||
And that's why everybody's freaked out. | ||
Everybody's freaked out because even though it's not here, it's inevitable. | ||
If you follow the pattern of innovation, if you go from pioneers, to people who live in cities, to cell phones and internet and fucking Space Force, and you just keep going, eventually you get to a point where someone figures out how to make an artificial version of life. | ||
Whether it's Ray Kurzweil's thing, where it downloads you into a computer, Or whether it's a thing you sit and connect to. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Someone's going to come up with something. | ||
Do you think we know that we're in the simulation when it happens? | ||
Then it would suck. | ||
Then it would suck. | ||
You don't want that. | ||
Yeah, no. | ||
You want something where it's crazy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You don't even know you're in it. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
Like, oh my god, am I in the simulation? | ||
Who knows? | ||
That's the best simulation. | ||
The best simulation is you have no idea. | ||
You're locked completely into it. | ||
So that's where our problem lies. | ||
We don't know if that's actually going on right now. | ||
Like for Trump, if somebody brought Trump aside, like sat Trump aside and said, Mr. Trump, All of this seems highly unlikely, doesn't it? | ||
Well, here's why. | ||
You are in a simulation. | ||
This simulation was started 78 years ago. | ||
And this is the pattern. | ||
It plays out. | ||
You're given a large amount of money to start your own businesses. | ||
You're gonna put your name on everything. | ||
You're gonna be the best, the best, the best. | ||
But you have crazy hair. | ||
But that's okay. | ||
You just fucking spray it down. | ||
You're good. | ||
You have a few flaws in your life. | ||
People are mad at you though, but you're gonna be the best. | ||
You're gonna have the best things. | ||
The biggest. | ||
You're gonna have the business. | ||
Everything's gonna be amazing. | ||
And then you come up to them and you wake them up and you say, listen, this seems crazy. | ||
It seems crazy because it is. | ||
And you settled upon a very bizarre pattern in your simulation. | ||
And this is how it came out. | ||
And everyone else is mad at you, but they just don't understand. | ||
This wasn't your fault. | ||
You didn't mean to. | ||
But then you think of all the things that we counted before, like poverty, abuse, drug addict parents, all the different things that make a person who they are, right? | ||
Those are really kind of like... | ||
Factors in if you had a game like if you were playing some sort of a large-scale role-playing game You're like what is my character gonna be like? | ||
Oh your character is a barbarian. | ||
You're in the matrix. | ||
That's what you're showing me You're describing like when Morpheus talks to Neo, he's like, hey, what do you think? | ||
The red pill or the blue pill? | ||
Yeah, it is like that. | ||
And it is essentially what it will be. | ||
If we stay in this human form, essentially someone's going to figure out a way to put a helmet on you or put a fucking spike in the back of your head that locks your central nervous system into this gigantic computer that starts sending signals to your brain and tricks your brain to think it's riding on a horse through the fucking... | ||
The Saudi Arabian Desert. | ||
That's gonna come. | ||
It's just whether or not it's here yet. | ||
It's gonna come. | ||
They're gonna keep making things. | ||
If we don't blow each other up, there's gonna be a cell phone that lets you see God. | ||
You're gonna call God. | ||
God's gonna be in front of you, hugging you, giving you love. | ||
Isn't that what psychedelics are kind of like? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, that could be what we're trying to recreate. | ||
What we're trying to get to could be like a state that's similar to what exists already in nature. | ||
Maybe they're interconnected in some sort of a way. | ||
Maybe someone who is anti-drug will figure out a way to recreate psychedelic experiences using only technology that... | ||
Interfaces with your brain and turns all those chemicals on. | ||
But don't you think we're capable of doing that ourselves because we're part of nature in a way like we're all connected to the universe in some way and so if we just focused on like not to sound like Russell Brand but like if we all just like took time to like meditate and like get in contact with ourselves and like realize that we're all connected in a strange web that we could potentially have that like That would definitely help. | ||
And this is the other thing about people that are angry all the time or people that are lashing out at people all the time. | ||
That energy that you put out is not a one-way thing. | ||
It comes back at you. | ||
Totally. | ||
And it also makes you feel a certain way. | ||
So it poisons you as well. | ||
Well, and it poisons the other people. | ||
If I go and attack you and I'm like, Joe, you fucking, whatever, you suck, blah, blah, blah, and I'm attacking you, then there's going to be, I mean, I know you're tough and whatever, but there's still a part of that energy, the negative energy that's going to go into you and go, maybe for a second, I don't know how long, but depending on how weak or strong-willed or minded you are, you're going to attach part of that to yourself and be like, maybe I am bad, and I'll just lean into that. | ||
Some people do. | ||
Some people definitely lean in. | ||
If you call them an asshole, they just become more of an asshole. | ||
I think that might be the case with Trump. | ||
I think if you look at who he was before he became president and how antagonistic he is now that he is president, there was some of that before, like when you get mad at Rosie O'Donnell or someone and insult people. | ||
But it seems like now it's like... | ||
Way more prevalent in his behavior. | ||
I think a lot of that is probably connected to the fact that so many people fucking hate him and they're criticizing him. | ||
Like his last days, if you think about who he is, right? | ||
He's 75 years old or something like that, right? | ||
He's so hot. | ||
How old is he? | ||
Somebody must think he's hot. | ||
For sure. | ||
For sure. | ||
How old is he? | ||
Just turned 74. Do you think Melania thinks he's hot? | ||
No. | ||
She does what she can, what she's got. | ||
But he's 74 years old. | ||
You know, that's... | ||
It's such a weird age to have a president. | ||
But it makes sense because then you learn a lot from life. | ||
unidentified
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I guess. | |
But what I was going to say is... | ||
Generally, you don't live to be much older than 90. Most people. | ||
So the last years, before that, he's in rap songs. | ||
Everybody's like, he's got his own show on NBC. You're fired. | ||
Yeah, everybody loves when he does that. | ||
I love when he fires people. | ||
I love when he's mean. | ||
He was the hero. | ||
He was like this guy who was like this badass businessman that had his name on everything, and now all of a sudden everybody hates him. | ||
But it's like, What do you want? | ||
What do you really want? | ||
Because if you want to be the top guy, you want to be the President of the United States. | ||
You want to be that one person that dictates policy, could literally change the way our society functions. | ||
You have this weird power where if your friends go to jail, you could exonerate them. | ||
unidentified
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Allie, I'm going to let you out. | |
I'm going to give you a presidential pardon. | ||
We still have presidential pardons. | ||
Crazy. | ||
Like a person could just decide. | ||
They're the president, so they get to do it. | ||
Like we let this medieval shit exist in 2020 where you could just decide. | ||
And I feel like most presidents don't do much. | ||
Oh, they do a lot with it. | ||
unidentified
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Really? | |
Oh yes, they do. | ||
They pardon hundreds of people. | ||
There's so many people in jail who don't need to be... | ||
That's true. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, that's where people like the Innocence Project and I have these guys on my show. | ||
Yeah, I know. | ||
Yeah, two guys. | ||
Did you ever get into Serial, that podcast about Anand Syed? | ||
Anand Syed? | ||
unidentified
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What is that? | |
Serial. | ||
It was like a super popular podcast about this girl who was murdered and they put her boyfriend in jail. | ||
But the story, it's like... | ||
The podcast is them going into the story and all the details and it's just interesting hearing about... | ||
She was innocent? | ||
I don't know. | ||
That's up to the audience to decide. | ||
That's again... | ||
But he was like... | ||
He was 17. So, I don't know. | ||
Part of me wants to be... | ||
I'm very naive and young and somewhat dumb for the most part. | ||
And so, there's part of me that's like... | ||
But if he did do it. | ||
If he did murder his ex-girlfriend and he was 17... | ||
And he's in jail for life. | ||
No option of parole at this point. | ||
And it's like, I feel like prison systems should be able to have a rehabilitation process so that way someone like him who might not be a guy, even if he did it, he's not going to do it again. | ||
It's like, do you know what I mean? | ||
Let me take a breath. | ||
What are you trying to say? | ||
If you go to jail for murder, but you're not the type of person who's like, you're not like a serial murderer. | ||
You're just like, he was in high school, maybe he was misguided by his friends. | ||
He didn't know what to do. | ||
Ex-girlfriend, yeah. | ||
But did he? | ||
I don't know. | ||
So there's two things possible. | ||
One, I think if you kill your girlfriend, I think you forfeit your life. | ||
Sure. | ||
Because if we don't have unbelievably strict rules like that, you're going to have people doing that more often. | ||
There is something that influences people to be good, and most of it is being a good person feels good, but part of it is punishment. | ||
Part of it is punitive stuff. | ||
Do you think for life? | ||
But here's the thing. | ||
You don't let me finish my sentence because this is the most important part. | ||
We'd have to know for sure you did it. | ||
And I don't think they do that now. | ||
So that's one of the real problems we have. | ||
And then once you get into the system, even if they know you're innocent, it takes months sometimes before you get out, right? | ||
Even if you have an appeal, like there's a lot going on there. | ||
And that's kind of the thing. | ||
That's the thing. | ||
It's like, I think that if you take someone's life like that, you forfeit your life. | ||
But how do I know you did it? | ||
How do I absolutely know you did it? | ||
Because I definitely know that people are in jail for shit they didn't do. | ||
Until you have a completely just, non-biased justice system that isn't pressured by different attorneys or different prosecuting attorneys or governors or anybody. | ||
You just have this magical fucking super intelligent group of humans that know exactly the right choice in how to punish someone. | ||
We don't have that. | ||
So the death penalty and all that shit, it's like, yeah, in theory, I think you should kill people that kill people. | ||
Yeah, in theory, we don't want the world to be filled with serial killers. | ||
We don't want someone who thinks it's cool to go to a park and shoot kids to stay alive. | ||
In theory, I'm with you. | ||
The problem is when we don't know. | ||
Now, if we do know for sure this person did it, like there's video of them doing it, But even video now, it's like, fuck. | ||
When is that going to be unreliable? | ||
Yeah. | ||
But the thing is, like with this guy, there wasn't enough, I personally think there wasn't enough evidence to say 100% without a doubt he was guilty, he should be in jail for life. | ||
And then it's like, okay, so what if they prove that he is innocent, but he's been in jail since he was 17 years old. | ||
He's been in prison since he was 17. How old's he now? | ||
I think this case was in like 2000, early 2000s, maybe 2003. And so now he's only known his life as someone who's been in the prison system. | ||
And maybe for something he didn't do. | ||
Yeah, and so if he gets out, how is he supposed to know what to do and be a productive member of society? | ||
The event that led to the case happened in 1999. Oh my god. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's where it's horrific if someone's innocent. | ||
That's where it's horrific. | ||
And again, I go back to this again, but we've got to be able to read each other's minds. | ||
That's what they're going to say. | ||
You know how they're doing contact tracing with COVID? We need to know who you've contacted, Allie. | ||
Allie, if you've contacted someone who's positive, we need to know. | ||
And if you haven't, you should be able to go in any restaurant you want. | ||
Just have your app ready and wear your wristband. | ||
And this is what we're probably going to do with that, too. | ||
But then isn't that like, uh... | ||
Ali, you can't commit crime if I can read your mind, right? | ||
And you don't want to commit crime, do you? | ||
No? | ||
Then let me read your mind. | ||
Just put the helmet on, we'll all read each other's minds, and no one ever goes to jail unjustly. | ||
If your own privacy is more important than all these people that are doing life in prison for shit they didn't do, what, because you want to let people read your mind and find out that you masturbate to fucking feet? | ||
That's my thing. | ||
I told you not to say that on the podcast. | ||
Dirty feet, too. | ||
I like hangnails. | ||
Caked in clay. | ||
I just picture someone. | ||
That's what we're going to do. | ||
The way it's a slippery slope to contact tracing, you want to keep people safe, it's going to be, don't you want no crime to exist? | ||
Don't you want no people to be unjustly punished? | ||
Then let us read your mind. | ||
We're gonna just read each other's minds. | ||
I think the separation between each other's thoughts like that we enjoy now where you can deceive each other and we can, you know, you can spin a yarn or be a good salesperson. | ||
That shit's going out the window. | ||
That's like blockbuster video. | ||
That's gonna be a useless thing. | ||
Crazy. | ||
That's what I think. | ||
unidentified
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Okay. | |
But I'm dumb. | ||
I might be wrong. | ||
Same. | ||
I might be wrong. | ||
So, let's wrap this up. | ||
Allie, when we do get a comedy club set up in Texas, you must come. | ||
I'm so down. | ||
Grace us with your presence. | ||
I think we'll start looking around the spring. | ||
Oh. | ||
When hopefully this shit bowls over. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm so happy for you. | ||
I'm happy for you. | ||
I'm bummed you're leaving. | ||
Not that I really see you that often. | ||
unidentified
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I'll be here. | |
I'll be there. | ||
I'll be moving around. | ||
Once you move around a little bit, I'll be moving around. | ||
Okay. | ||
I'm still always going to come to the store. | ||
Sweet. | ||
Alright, my friend. | ||
Thanks for having me on. | ||
My pleasure. | ||
Tell everybody your Instagram. | ||
My Instagram's notallymac, N-O-T-A-L-I-M-A-C. My podcast is Resting Bitch, and that's all you need to know about me. | ||
That's all you need to know. |