Tony Hinchcliffe and Joe Rogan dissect Los Angeles’ absurd COVID-19 rules—like permitting volleyball but banning shadow boxing—while debating immunity in prisons (98% asymptomatic) and pharmaceutical suppression theories. They explore Hitler’s rumored escape to South America, Nazi propaganda tactics, and WWII’s brutal civilian impact, contrasting it with modern detachment from war. Rogan’s frustration over canceled comedy shows and media bias on violence ties into broader critiques of societal priorities, ending with Hinchcliffe’s Patreon roast masterclass. [Automatically generated summary]
I think it's because they have to have people clean it and whatnot, and they don't want to have to have staff on whatever, because they've opened up...
Like if a person wants to go outside and they have a shadow boxing routine they do and they like to practice Muay Thai, why can't they go practice Muay Thai?
They can't just go outside.
Like imagine like you're pent up in your apartment and you can go on the beach and just like...
Spark up a little and just throw some combinations under the sun and the sand.
You can't do that?
Is that threatening to people?
But you're allowed to do all this jazz?
That's not even a martial art.
Let's just be honest.
It's great.
People that do it, they find it very therapeutic and it's good for the body.
You know, you're doing these slow poses so it gives you, you know, you're exercising control over your body.
But man, until I started doing jiu-jitsu, I didn't realize how vulnerable I really was.
I hadn't done real martial arts in a long time because I had a knee surgery and it took me a long time to recover, like more than a year.
I fucked my knee up and I didn't get it fixed for like six months and then I got it fixed.
It took like a year to rehab.
So for like a year and a half plus, I wasn't doing any martial arts.
And then I started doing a little bit of kickboxing when I came to L.A. I went to this legendary place in Van Nuys.
It's one of the things that I wanted to go to.
Other than going to the Comedy Store, I wanted to go to Benny the Jets Jet Center.
The Jet Center in Van Nuys.
Benny Urquidez is like a legendary kickboxer from L.A. And him and his, I believe Blinky Rodriguez is his brother-in-law, but he was another beast.
He's a guy who knocked out one of the greatest kickboxers of all time.
Jean-Yves Theriot knocked him out with a left hook.
I mean, so this was a gym, a legendary gym.
And I came here, and right when I came here, I started going there, and they had earthquake damage.
So when it rained, their place got fucked up, like really fucked up, and they had to close down.
And then he moved to a place in North Hollywood for a while.
But it just wasn't the same once that legendary gym was gone.
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But those were one of the number one places that I wanted to come to when I came to LA. Has anyone ever claimed Tai Chi or Qigong as any of their UFC skill set?
One of the first fights ever in the UFC the guy tries to throw this wild spinning elbow just out of nowhere fights Shogun for the title opens up with a flying knee just wild Opens up on a legend Shogun was a legend UFC light heavyweight champion the guy who's knocked out Chuck Liddell but was fucking killing people in pride I mean when we were coming up Mauricio Shogun Hua was a legend Jon Jones fights him Wins the title,
the youngest guy ever to win a title in the UFC with a flying knee.
There were these wrestlers, I think they were called the Hurley Twins or something from another school, and these guys were really, really high level, and we were in high school, but they were high level freestyle wrestlers, like they would go to the nationals every year.
It appeared as though they would dangle guys by an angle and just keep getting points.
They would release and they would make it look like it was nothing.
The other guy's wrestling for his life and they would just seamlessly grab their ankle and push them back.
When you watch him how good he is and how well he moves through these takedowns and transitions and chains takedown attacks together and the power and the drive and the just the fucking explosiveness all of it together the insane desire to compete and win You know, you don't even know what that's like.
That guy manhandled Ben Askren, who manhandles most people.
I mean, Askren was quite a bit past his wrestling prime.
I don't think you can be elite at both.
I think most of these elite wrestlers, who are really, really good wrestlers, once they get into the UFC and they realize how much striking they have to do, how much submissions they have to do, I think most of them would admit that they're probably not getting the same kind of focus on pure wrestling that allows them to stay at their highest level.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
And to put it all together, that's why Look-See-Do is such a great name for a style.
Because he's not doing one thing.
Yes, very good wrestler.
Yes, very good striker.
Yes, very good submission artist.
Excellent at all those things.
But he just throws them all together with whatever's there.
What's open?
What's open?
How about I never try to take you to the ground?
I just kick the fuck out of your legs.
I just get close to you, beat you up in knees and elbows.
It's such a...
So when someone says martial art, it's not a martial art.
It's a style of fighting.
It's like a game you're playing.
You know, if you're playing boxing, you're playing boxing, it is definitely a fight, but it is a martial art.
But it's not a complete one.
Like now that we know, like all those little schools like the Judo people and the Taekwondo people, they were all like real biased about their own style, like I definitely was.
Now you know.
This is one style.
It's mixed martial arts.
It's that look-see-do thing that Jon Jones does.
He does everything.
He's kicking you, he's punching you, he's trying to take you down, he's smashing you on the ground, he strangles you if he can.
Like, however I can beat you.
That's what they're trying to do.
Which is real martial arts.
That's a real martial art.
Like as close as you can get without eye gouging and going for the nuts, because we all agree that's just too much.
Even if they're teaching you self-defense as the only time they step up with the eye gouge and the nut shots.
But those are like the most effective moves.
Eye gouging and nut shots are the most effective moves.
We just collectively decide that they're too destructive.
You would never call judo a soft martial art, though.
I mean, maybe it's technically that, but I mean, amongst the circles that I travel in, when you're talking to, and I'm not a judo expert, obviously, but I know a lot of people that are.
It's the art of throwing people on your fucking head and grabbing you by your clothes.
And you're both grabbing each other by your clothes.
And when you get to a super elite level...
When you watch those Olympians go at it, man, it's wild.
It's so hard.
It's so fucking hard.
I mean, it's super brilliant and technical, and it's very strategic, and there's all these transitions, and it's very technical in terms of being able to execute a high-level throw on someone who's also an expert in high-level throws.
It's amazing, but it's also very hard.
They're strong as shit.
I've only rolled with a few really good judo guys ever, and it's like rolling with a chimpanzee.
They're too strong.
Wrestlers, judo guys, you guys are too fucking strong.
Well, also, they slide into the sand and then miraculously, right after they slide into the sand, they are clean and shiny with glistening sweat and no sand on them.
That's why they contacted me and they said, hey, Sebastian's house got broken into.
I was like, what?
So I called him.
I texted him.
The whole thing's really crazy, though.
Okay.
Um, he followed the wife and the two children up to the second floor bedroom with his gun drawn, prosecutor said.
Um, the, the, the bad guy, Brodacks, broke through the bedroom door, pushed the children onto the bed and pointed the gun at Manasako's wife as she begged him not to shoot, prosecutor said.
After Manasako chased off the first guy, Finan, he retrieved his own gun and fatally shot Brodacks in the abdomen.
So the other guy has been captured and faces murder charges under an Illinois statute that allows for such crimes to be leveled against suspects if they take part in a felony offense that leads to another person's death.
You don't want to hear that story, because that story's a pro-gun story.
You know, it's anti-gun because someone tried to rob the guy's house with a gun, but it's pro-gun, and if he didn't have a gun, what would have happened?
Yeah, it's anti-gun because someone used a gun in a robbery.
But it's pro, if he didn't have a gun, maybe his family would be dead.
You have to be able to see both sides.
Because the gun control argument is such a weird one.
People, like, they dig heels in.
Left people dig on this side.
They have, like, a set of beliefs that you're allowed to have.
And then the people on the right dig on another side.
But it's not like, if it went the other way, you know, if some people got shot to death inside their home, it would be an anti-gun argument.
You know what I'm saying?
Which is interesting because if you have a gun like he did, the people broke into his house and he was able to protect his family.
That's the best case scenario for gun ownership.
Well, the best case scenario is never having to use it and the next best is being able to use it to protect your family because that's what it's there for.
So it's actually a pro-gun story.
It would be an anti-gun story if he didn't have a gun.
That's what's crazy.
If he didn't have a gun and the guy shot his family, it would be an anti-gun story.
You saw the one with the church where the guy went in for a mass shooting and the guy standing against the back wall of the church had a gun too and just got him right away.
Like, oh, we're going to condense it all into an hour.
But isn't it the real stuff that's happening?
How can it be condensed at all?
And do you have to do that anymore?
Do you know when this guy has this show and that guy has that show and the show goes for an hour and they're going to cover these details and show you what went wrong?
There's so many things that went wrong.
If you just want to concentrate on things that went wrong, you could do it 24 hours a day and never run out of material.
But you gotta almost kind of, is that the world?
Is it things that went wrong?
Is that the world?
Or is the world like a lot of shit that went right?
Like when we're hearing the news, all they really want to discuss There's the things that are going to freak you the fuck out.
There's not a whole lot dedicated to making you feel good about our prospects.
It does control a lot of how the people who watch it think about things because they're really influential.
Like, oh my god, there's so many different things that are going on all at once right now, right?
They're trying to figure out if the disease came from a lab, you know, did they accidentally release this thing?
China's mad at us, and we're mad at China, and all these countries are gonna sue China.
Like there's so many things that are bouncing around in sort of the global consciousness that you have to pay attention to.
I heard Kim Jong-un was sick.
Oh my god, he might die.
They flew in Chinese doctors.
His sister might take over.
And then we gotta pay attention to the sister.
She looks mean, man.
The sister looks mean.
Like, that kind of stuff is, if you absorb what's in the media, that kind of stuff will literally change the way you view the world, and that will change the way you act in the world, and that will literally make things suck.
It'll make things suck more if you go out and only concentrate on things that are terrible.
Hey bro, you're like the most famous guy in America.
And here's your fucking lunch.
He slides over some terrible meatloaf.
Got him in solitary.
I don't know, man.
She had a husband that just disappeared, and he conveniently left her the whole business, all the money, all of his documents had been altered previous to his death.
Well, I was telling you, Jamie, while we were talking about this before, the different groups of people that, in the weirdest, weirdest way, are asymptomatic.
That thing that I sent you, did I send that to you, Jamie?
Was thinking about this and God forget who I was talking to this about this they were talking about I think was Kyle Kulinski, and we're talking about Your immune system that your immune system when you're in a place like a prison is probably super strong Because there's so many people around you.
You're always interacting with all this different bacteria whereas if you just like Live by yourself in an apartment like you've quarantined for these five weeks and then you're gonna go back out into the world.
Your immune system is like your cardiovascular system.
What's fucked up about prison is, like, I don't think it works.
You know, it's like, I don't want to compare people to dogs, but I'm gonna.
We've talked about this before, that, like, if you get a dog, and I've rescued dogs that were just, they were older, and they'd seen too much shit, and by the time you get to them, they're all fucked up.
You know, they growl at people, they snap at people, like...
If you've got a rescue dog that wants to bite people, you can't.
You want a puppy, so that when you raise the puppy, you can teach the puppy that you love it, and this is family, and everybody's cool, and you've got to listen to the rules, though.
You can't shit in the house.
And then you teach it, and then it becomes like this...
I think, in a way, it's really hard to train an older dog.
I know some people are experts at it, but I think they just don't want to learn.
And...
Their life has just been fucked over by people and if you get a like a seven-year-old eight-year-old pound dog that's been abused like oh Fuck that poor dog.
They don't want and it's almost like with some humans the abuse that life throws at us from the time you're young You're kind of like trying to deal with it as you get older and maybe fix yourself and To try to like balance your own self out, but every now and then you'll forget How easy you have it in comparison to some people.
Like if you see some people's lives where it's just poverty and crime and like fucking everyone around them was either a criminal or on drugs and it's like fucking everywhere you look you see despair.
You don't see any happiness.
For someone to come through that, to have the same expectations as they have someone who came through even like my childhood, which was not that bad.
My childhood was a little weird, but it wasn't bad.
No one was, you know, no one was abusive to me.
When someone's abusive to you and then all of a sudden you find yourself, you're 32 and you're trying to get your shit together, but you just, you have visions of being raped or beaten by your uncles and, you know, whatever the fuck it is that's inside your head that just like all day defines you.
But with people, the crazy thing is sometimes they can do it.
Sometimes you can get a guy who's 32, hooked on heroin, and then 10 years later he's running marathons and writing books and super positive, eating healthy, and now he has a family and he's a different person.
That does happen too.
That's the thing about people.
It's like some of us get through, like how many people run 100 miles?
There's this farmer's market right by where I live.
The original LA farmer's market.
And so they have like multiple butcher shops.
And I was going to...
I was going to different ones when this whole thing first started and trying out different things and different combinations of basically remaking each week my mom's meat sauce, which is different than a regular sauce that has meatballs and this and that.
Anyway, and I kept testing out these different concoctions and one time I nailed it and it really tasted like hers.
And I went back to that butcher shop and did it again and I said to the guy, I go...
Yeah, that stuff I made last week came out just like my mom's.
And he goes, where are you from?
I said Youngstown.
And it turns out that that butcher shop was and is from originally there and that it is the same.
It's basically the same place.
It's all the same meat or cut or whatever they do or how they do it was the same thing.
If the food keeps coming, he's going to keep eating it.
If it doesn't cost anything, because it's green when you want to go, like when you want to keep it, they come around with these plates full of all this crazy meats and sausages and chicken legs and all this different stuff, and they just keep coming, and you can just take as much as you want, and then when you've got to tap out, you flip your coin over to red.
If I eat domestic animals, particularly, this is how I like to, a lot of times if I have ribeye with spaghetti, I'll cook the ribeye and get it like, you know, like just about medium rare and then I slice that bitch up and drop it into the tomato sauce.
Just a couple more minutes.
Oh, just get it all in there.
Get all that juicy in there and then and then dump these big thick slices of ribeye with tomato sauce on that Italian pasta.
And the first thing I knew, literally the first thing that I thought of the second my eyes laid on that picture, I'm like, this is going to be crazy because people are going to say in these comments that she's beautiful.
And that's going to be hilarious because you're basically saying that she wasn't beautiful before by saying that she's beautiful now in a weird way.
It's sort of insinuated.
And I didn't even realize until two hours or an hour later after I had woken up that it became like this like news story.
So it's just funny to me because like it's like Is her voice the same?
Want to applaud someone who did something that's really difficult to do and is now healthier.
If you are an Adele fan, wouldn't you want her to be healthier?
Wouldn't you?
I mean, you want her to be able to keep singing for longer, right?
You love her.
You want her to be healthier.
You don't want her to get...
One of the main things they found in New York City about people that caught COVID-19 that was a real problem was obesity.
Big problem.
She was, at one point in time, much larger, and now she's really slim.
And people are mad...
And saying...
This is what they're saying.
I don't want her to be applauded for losing weight as if it's some wording like this.
Like that I don't want to adhere to these beauty standards.
That she's better looking because she lost weight.
But she is!
And you know that.
The only reason why anybody would want to fight against that when so many people overwhelmingly think she looks better...
It's because they don't want to look at themselves.
It's that simple.
They don't want to change.
And they're trying to bully you in deciding they're beautiful if they're 210 pounds.
That's really what it is.
We're redefining beauty standards.
You can't do that.
You can't decide that the way you look is what everybody should like.
That's crazy.
You can't do that.
And if people have decided worldwide that fitter, healthier bodies are more attractive...
That's just what it is.
It's not redefining beauty standards.
The beauty standards come from what people are attracted to.
Yeah, it's not fair.
You're right, it's not fair.
A lot of shit in life's not fair.
That's just how it is.
If you choose to stay big, that is your choice.
I know it's a difficult choice to try to move your body down and lose weight and get healthy.
We really talked about that.
We were just talking about it.
But you can't say that it's unattractive when someone has a good body, because it is.
So if someone has a better body than they used to have, it looks better.
So that's what a beauty standard is.
This is what people are attracted to when it comes to bodies.
They're attracted to fit bodies.
That's not a shame.
That's not a bad thing.
The idea that this is somehow or another something we need to avoid and putting undue pressure on people, it's nonsense.
It looks great.
If it's pressure on you because other people look great, well what do you do with that pressure?
Do you decide to be better?
Better yourself?
Take care of yourself better?
Do you decide that it's not worth as much to you to worry about what your body looks like and you're more concentrated on maybe art or whatever the fuck else?
That's fine too.
But you can't be mad at people that put a lot of energy in that direction and look better.
But you can't decide that people are going to change what they're attracted to.
That's silly.
You can't do that.
They are attracted to people that put out more effort.
They're attracted to people that have the strength to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning and go to the gym before work.
There's something really hot about that.
It's attractive.
It's attractive to someone who takes care of themselves.
It is.
It just is.
Now, it might not be to you, but that's why the world's beautiful.
Because we can all have different things we like and different things we don't like.
But when a giant chunk of people are into this one thing, like nice bodies, it doesn't mean that it's all shallow or terrible or it's somehow or another demeaning to people that don't adhere to those standards.
No, it's a competition.
There's some sort of a physiological competition between males and females in terms of trying to be attractive.
And that's one of the things they do.
They make their body look better.
Another thing they do is dress nice.
They wear jewelry.
They do stuff to make themselves look better.
The idea that making your body look better is somehow or another, this is a bad standard to adhere to when you take your big body that you're not taking care of and you wrap it up in all these crazy clothes and all these ribbons and bows and you show your bare midriff because you're brave and you got your big old ass and these jeans.
Well, in every movie where there's a guy who's kind of a fuck-up, who's going to get in trouble, it's a guy who's built like you with a woman who's like 250 pounds, and she tells him what to do.
If you have an Android phone and you send it through their messages app, you know, their little client that they use to send text messages, you can have it all kinds of colors.
You could actually change it.
You could make it red.
You could make it black.
You could do a bunch of shit.
It's all customizable.
That's why they like it.
But Apple keeps you locked into their little system.
I've updated my Windows PC recently, and they're trying to do something like that.
I'm not letting my phone and computer buy into it, but it's like, hey, by the way, you know you can connect your phone when you sign in now and have all of this shit here.
There's something I discovered last night, but there's a new popular game that's out, and the anti-cheat program that runs in the background of your computer goes all the way down to the kernels of your computer, which is something different.
Don't be a pussy.
Nothing wrong with pain in your kernels.
The company that owns this and runs it is based in China, and that is a potential spyware or something like that.
It was used to track stroke patients and changes in your breathing and lungs or something, and sounds in there that connect to a device, which is your phone, and let you know if something's up.
What better way to get integrated with the grid than to create a virus that makes you wear a mask, takes away your humanity, can't touch each other, Gotta stay away.
No social contact.
So you're getting more and more addicted to your TV and your phone.
Find out if that's true because I've been reading all these things that say that there's, you know, we joked around about it before, like if someone passes you when they're running, like how close are they to you?
But it doesn't seem like there's any sort of science to say that it spreads that way.
I know quite a few people that have had it and we're gonna actually have Michael Yo come on next week.
I'm really interested to talk to him because he had it real bad and he got it from New York and then there's been some speculation that the people who got it from New York they get it from Europe but the people that got it in California a lot of them got it from China which is really interesting because like I wonder if as it went through Europe it got worse.
Like, that's possible, right?
And wasn't that something that they speculated, that there's some sort of different strains?
You also got to realize that Sweden is not the United States.
It's a weird place.
It's really stretched out.
And there's not a lot of people there.
It's nothing like New York.
The thing about New York is...
That's like a house made out of hay and someone drops a cigar and that motherfucker just catches on fire and goes, wah!
There's so many people.
The viral load you must take in every day if you live in Manhattan, on the subway, fucking right next to people, breathing in everybody's air, everybody's coughing and it's getting in.
Even if you talk about, forget about the subway and just talk about the entrance door to either their home or their workplace has hundreds of people, minimum, going through it every single day.
And those hundreds of people that go through that door every single day, they're on the subway or they're walking by people on the street.
So one had a patient in France who was infected with COVID-19 back in December, a month before the contagion was thought to have reached Europe.
Doctors retroactively tested the samples from when the man was admitted to the hospital near Paris on December 27th with a cough, a headache, and a fever.
And apparently there's a strain in India, and there's some concern that even when they come up with a vaccine, this strain in India is going to be immune to it.
It's not going to work on this strain, because this strain is so different than what's going on right now.
And I know there's been more deaths from COVID. But the other thing we were trying to figure out, somebody tweeted that there was, because of the fact that there's so many COVID deaths, that there's actually a decrease in the amount of people that have died from heart disease.
And they're thinking, how many people are not being counted?
How many people have died of heart disease?
Like, how accurate is the count?
Because I think what they're doing is, if you have COVID... You die.
You died from COVID. They don't investigate to see if there were some other things that might have killed you and COVID just also was there.
Like maybe this is the cause.
Oh, he clearly had a heart attack.
Oh, this is the cause.
He clearly had this.
But now they're saying that COVID might even cause heart attacks in people, you know, and that might cause strokes and weird blood clots in people.
So it's like it's different in different people.
It's so strange.
And it almost feels like we're living like people lived in the past, where you get your information piecemeal.
Yeah, I'm in the middle of this Jack Carter novel that's all about crazy espionage and murder and murder for hire and shit.
And, you know, of course, instantly, when I see something like this, I go, oh my god, what if they whacked him and they whacked this guy to cover up their tracks?
They didn't want him to find a cure because they're working on their own cure.
So it could have been like a bad business deal, or maybe a love triangle.
Or...
Something.
Imagine if you were on your way to developing a vaccine for something and that vaccine was gonna net your company an estimated 1.9 billion dollars.
And then this fucking smarty pants dipshit, let's not even say that guy, some guy in Vancouver figures out a way to kill this stuff.
And he wants to publish it.
And you gotta get to him.
Gotta get to him before he publishes it.
Because if he does, if this super smart guy has figured something out about the structure of this virus, and he knows how to fix it, he knows how to fix this problem the world is facing, it's an easy fix.
And he's the first person I've ever been a Patreon person of.
And I blasted through this stuff.
It is so cool.
And it's all criminal psychology and he talks about how these interrogators and he has great video somehow of these interrogations and how these people break through and he'll stop it and show you like here's what he's doing and here's why and how they get people and why people lie and how they lie and this and that.
It's so damn interesting.
Because you watch people, they cannot cover their tracks.
And then once you watch enough of them, once you're halfway through, you already know.
You're like, oh, they're guilty.
Oh, they just gave it away.
Before he even stops it, you know how it's crazy, that whole criminal world.
They can't lie.
You would think that...
You know, you would think like, oh, I could fool one of those guys.
Like, I could fool a detective if he was interrogating me.
Dude, this guy went to clean out his mom's apartment, she died, and he found a freezer, one of those chest freezers, with a dead decomposing body in it.
So the body had been there, the freezer was, I think it was in the basement.
See if you can find this.
I believe this was in New Jersey?
I think it was in New Jersey.
No, it was in Manhattan.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was in Manhattan.
It was one of those giant ass meat freezers.
And someone threw the body in there and duct taped it all shut so the stink couldn't get out.
And she wouldn't let anybody visit her building.
Man goes to clear out dead mom's house, finds body and freezer.
Police say a man found a decomposed body in his dead mother's freezer as she was cleared out of her New York City apartment.
Wow.
He found the body this week in a chest freezer that had been sealed with duct tape.
Investigators said the body appeared to have been stored for over 10 years.
Building Superintendent Asamir Basim told the newspaper on Friday's article the body was so decayed that authorities couldn't determine its sex.
Bastien said they wouldn't let, she wouldn't let them, there it is, the deceased tenant never gave permission for work to be done in the Hamilton Heights apartment.
It's like when someone does something like that they've never done before, and their son is a professional stand-up, and it was on your son's podcast, in a live audience, which is like every...
The biggest fear people have is fucking up in front of a large crowd.
Like that when we were evolving, you know, as we're going through the civilizations of the past, if it was a group of people that was staring at you and you're around all these people and you're down and they're all up, like, ah, that's fucking terrifying.
The only time it's really good is when everything's going great.
There's plenty of food and booze.
Then the person like, we're going to listen to you because you're exceptional because you have a wonderful voice or you're really good with the musical instrument.
If people, like, how many people have given speeches at their companies, like, you know, they get together and have a company Christmas party, and someone, unfortunately, leaves a microphone, and a bunch of people are boozing.
And someone goes up there and just ruins their fucking life.
How many times does that happen?
How many times does that happen?
Someone thought they could say something that Chris Rock would say.
I know everybody else is there, but I don't think I've ever seen you at one.
And it's probably a good thing.
Because it's complete chaos.
It's beyond...
Because obviously the comedy store has less than no HR. So it's...
Way, way, way, way over the top.
Like, it's absolutely ridiculous.
continuous continuous alcohol consumption like shots and shots and shots and shots and shots and shots and shots when is it coming back When do you think we'll move into that lovely phase three?
I think maybe my guess right now would be 8 to 12 weeks something starts.
Honestly, I was mad at you the first day, because I had a show with you that night.
We performed the night before, and the next morning I wake up and I see your tweet saying, unfortunately I'm going to cancel my shows tonight at the Comedy Store, right?
And I'm literally like, come on Joe, you're falling for this fake disease.
I was in constant negotiations with the comedy store.
When that started on that Thursday or Friday, I was still fighting for my Monday.
Like, I'm like, that's great.
They're allowing 200, then we can do 200. Two hours later, they're like, it's gotta be 100. And I'm like, okay, 100. And then they're like, well, the comedy store is closing indefinitely.
And I'm like, great.
Well, how about you just let us shoot in the main room with no audience and some staff?
And they're like, well, no, uh, At first they're like, yes.
And then they're like, no.
And then I had to renegotiate because they're like, no, we're closing the main room to quarantine it.
And I'm like, great.
We'll stream out of the original room with no staff and no comedians.
And they're like, that's good for literally for like four hours.
And then I got a call and look, we were closing the entire building.
We can't...
And they're like, if you want to do the basement, you can stream out of the basement.
I think that's another one that the news wants us to think that you can catch it again.
You might be able to catch it again, but it's like a lot of the most recent things that I've read from health organizations are saying, good news, finally some good news, and you have to look deep to find good news now.
You have to dig.
Like with a shovel to find good news and literally like most of and of course a doctor doctor serious doctor I'll tell you well we really don't know don't know because that's what professional scientists say right until they officially know but right now most professionals are saying you can't get it twice I think in China they've found a small percentage of people that got it twice.
I don't trust anything coming out of China right now.
Iran when we killed that Soleimani dude It's almost like as hostile with that all the time and it's a special kind right because we can't even acknowledge How mad we are at them yet until we have our own thing sort of figured out.
Imagine if it didn't start in the lab and everybody accused it of starting a lab and the people in the lab are like, you fucks, we didn't even do this.
This is just some normal shit.
Just some normal shit that it could have come from this lab, but it didn't.
I read a terrible story about these two scientists that had decided they wanted to do some studies on these rats that lived in this very particular cave.
I believe it was in Africa.
And they set up these cameras to photograph these rats, these bats rather, that as the sundown would happen, that's when the bats would start flying out of the caves.
And they were going to be there to capture it.
Well, what they didn't understand, for whatever fucking reason, is that this is also where the bats defecate.
So the bats, as they were flying over, covered them with batshit.
Covered them.
And I believe they both died of some sort of a hemorrhagic virus.
And then the next scene, it shows Chubbs missing fingers on his wooden hand.
Kills me.
You know, I'm not really that much into comedy movies now that I'm grown up, but one that destroys me at my spinal cord that I don't know when the last time you saw it, but it holds up great.
And I did Punch-Up recently on a Farrelly Brothers project and I actually was talking with Peter Farrelly and I go, you know, Because it, like, came up.
Somehow Kingpin came up.
And I go, you know, I think Bill Murray should have been nominated for, you know, Best Comedic or Supporting or whatever.
You know, that category would have been.
And he actually goes, you know, it's funny.
I've always thought that in the back of my mind.
And it never happened.
But I completely agree with you there.
It's one of the greatest comedic performances anyone that I've ever worked with has done.
So you can't buy python skin products anymore, but yet they're trying to kill all the pythons in the Everglades.
Like, it's actually a resource.
Like, if you let people buy python skin in California, You would actually be contributing to getting rid of the pythons that are filling the whole Everglades as a giant problem in that these pythons, these wacky people in Florida got and then released.
They've become breeders and they were introduced into this environment that doesn't have any defense mechanisms for them.
There's nothing that knows what a python is.
They didn't evolve to get away from pythons or deal with pythons.
So because of that, everything's getting wiped out.
Everything.
They're down to no raccoons.
They have no bunnies anymore.
All the deer are missing.
They're starting to eat alligators.
They've caught a bunch of them.
Huge pythons with alligators inside.
They're eating alligators, bro!
They're the top of the food chain when it comes to Florida, and they're not even from there.
Imagine you're getting wrapped up by a python, and you see the face coming over your head, and you realize what's going on.
And it's clamping down on your head, and it detaches its jaw, and it's spreading around you like, oh my god, you can't move your arms, you think your shoulder's broken, you're getting squeezed as it's doing this, and it's got its mouth on your fucking head, and it's slowly starting to take you into its body.
I get scared of animals that aren't even threatening.
I get scared of squirrels and whatnot if they look at me the wrong way.
If they're right next to you in a tree, and some of those things pretend like, because I live right next to a really awesome park, and I run through there almost every day, and some of these squirrels, they're like people squirrels.
I guess they must get fed a lot or something from humans walking by, and they will pretend like they're going to, like they will just get right up in your face.
Aggressive squirrel.
I got scared at my chair in my hallway the other day.
I thought, this is so stupid, but I was coming out of the bathroom, it was the end of the night, and my chair, I have this one extra chair that sort of moves around the living room.
Anyway, it ended up across the end of the hallway, and it was just sort of hanging out.
And for some reason it sort of looked like there was a crazy person smiling.
I remember going there once and watching this old dude on his back.
And he would just lay on his back and pick up peanuts and hold them.
And the squirrels would come over and put their hands on his hand and then take the peanut and run away with it.
They did it all the time.
And they wouldn't even go that far.
They'd go a few feet from him and just start eating their peanut.
And then other squirrels would come by.
And they apparently had some sort of a, they've been doing it so often, people know they could just, as long as you're not making much movement, you look safe and hold it out there, they'll come get it from you.
But, did you see the video of the fucking monkey riding a motorcycle?
My favorite part of it is I watched it like 20 times in a row, and I love how the guy taking the video from his top story apartment is laughing.
It starts, and you don't see the monkey, and then he sees the monkey on the motorcycle, and he starts laughing, and he's laughing more as it gets closer, and And he even laughs one more beat when the monkey grabs the kid, because he's like, haha, you know, like, he's like, huh.
Here's the monkey on the motorcycle, bails, grabs the kid, throws the kid to the ground, it's a little baby, and starts dragging him away, tries to steal him, because he wants to eat the baby.
I was going to say, because did you see that thing about what's going on in Thailand?
Where there was nobody in the street, so there was just like hordes of monkeys running through the street that are starving, that are used to tourists feeding them.
That's the weird thing to me is because I traveled so much.
December, January, and February.
Pretty much continuously.
Almost every single weekend.
And then obviously back to LA. Nothing's that short of a flight except for Vancouver at the end of January.
And like...
You know, there's a lot of...
I have Chinese friends.
There was obviously Chinese people on the plane.
I helped one lady that seemed sick.
It was like my good deed that I was doing.
I was like being a nice guy.
She was sitting right next to me and she was sniffling and coughing.
And I got on the Wi-Fi on...
On my phone and she basically signaled to me like she pointed at the Wi-Fi signal at the top of my phone and was like pointing at her phone and I'm like all right I'll figure it out but it wasn't an iPhone so I had a lot of trouble and I was touching it more than I wanted to and then I couldn't get on her Wi-Fi and then she pulled out an iPad that wasn't an actual iPad it was another like whatever Motorola brand or whatever you know and I'm there I am touching that I'm like fuck this is not and she was like Yeah.
And it was stupid of me.
And again, this is like before Corona was mainstream news in January or whatever.
But like, I'm like, God damn it.
I just wanted to help this lady real quick.
Now it's taken forever.
And it wasn't even able to get her on the Wi-Fi.
But I thought to myself when this all came out, I'm like, I probably had it then and just blew through it because I don't really ever get the flu or get sick.
My body just like gets rid of everything in like a few hours normally.
Yeah, that's one where I literally thought of you during this last one and I'm like, I know Joe isn't watching this because of basketball, but you would fucking love it.
Because, especially this last one, their coach, Phil Jackson, and his brain and the way he can motivate people.
I mean, it is fucking shocking.
Never out of everything I've ever watched have I paused something and just thought about it for a few minutes and then hit play again and rewind again on a documentary.
Anyone who's that driven to be such a winner, you stand out amongst winners as being so exceptional.
Who's the GOAT? Michael Jordan is always the first pick.
Wonder, like, how would LeBron, how would this, that?
But everybody always says Michael Jordan.
Like, to be that much of a super winner, you think about all the people that are playing basketball, all the people that are around him that are world-class athletes, professional athletes, and he stands out amongst them.
I mean, not just a regular winner, but just a super winner.
He's so off the charts as far as like...
To be that kind of an achiever, you have to have a madness about you that's probably intolerable for most people.
Just the desire to win...
Conquer.
In other days, man, those were gladiators.
In other days, those were generals.
There's a lot of people that get into pro sports that it's really, in a lot of ways, it moves them away from war in the best way that we know how possible.
But if we didn't have those, if there was no sports and people just conquered each other, Those would be the kings of the world.
The football players, that Thor guy who just deadlifted the world record, the Game of Thrones guy.
I'd like to announce I'll be making a comeback to the ring.
I'm training to promote a charity that's very close to me.
Our Unite for Our Fight campaign aims to fill the void the pandemic has created on access to resources our youth needs for emotional development and education.
Can you imagine if Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield have a third fight when they're in their 50s?
Evander Holyfield was the first guy in modern boxing who employed like a really rigorous weightlifting regime that allowed him to successfully go up.
Well, Michael Spinks did it too when he beat Larry Holmes, but then he got destroyed by Tyson.
I mean, he was really a light heavyweight that used his movement to outbox Larry Holmes when Larry Holmes was like sort of getting close to the twilight of his career, but That wasn't the case with Evander.
Evander became a heavyweight.
He was the cruiserweight champ, and he was like a slim guy when he fought Dwight Mohamed Kawi.
And then when he went to be a heavyweight, he thickened up, man.
He bulked up, purposely bulked up, had some amazing strength and conditioning videos that they showed of all the different shit that he was doing, preparing.
His trainer, he said, would go back after every game and count the number of steps he took with each foot and the direction he was taking so he would know how tired he should be and what he should be doing for him the next day and whatnot.
And every time he would play anyone for the first time, he needed to show, like, he could never, ever let anyone ever Make them feel like they got one over on him.
So not only each game for the audience that are seeing him for the first time in which he needs to dominate, but especially towards his opponent who literally thinks that maybe today will be my lucky day.
You know, I'm going up against Jordan.
This is, you know, it's the middle of the season.
He'll probably...
He's not gonna...
He puts up 60 points or whatever in your face, like embarrasses you.
You fall on the ground.
He crosses you over.
He does everything that, you know, you get embarrassed.
And even towards the end of his career, they just showed one where it's the all-star game.
So he got to go up against Kobe Bryant for the first time because they're in two different conferences that don't normally play.
And Kobe's this 18-year-old that just went straight from high school to the NBA, completely dominating his side of things, going up against Jordan for the first time ever.
And everybody on Kobe's side is saying, you know, Kobe asked us to let him have Jordan, and Jordan's on his side.
They have actual footage.
That's what's crazy about this documentary, is that somehow this fucking camera crew, Jordan let them come along in the ride in this green room for all this crazy exclusive content.
And he's saying to the guys, he goes, you guys all know, this is in the, not the green room, but the locker room before you guys, you guys all know this kid's coming after me, right?
Yeah.
Like, he's going to want me, so let me have him, blah, blah, blah, blah, because he wants to show the kid.
And sure enough, even though Kobe's 18 and peak, peak, peak physical condition, Jordan wins the MVP of that All-Star game, crushing it against a young Kobe Bryant.
They go deep into it, which is interesting, how the media and not a social media time period was fucking hammering him because they built him up to be this young guy out of North Carolina, Olympic superstar, Literally scored more points than anybody's ever scored as a rookie in the NBA. All this attention.
And now he's the man.
And they started beating him down with some of the gambling stuff he was doing.
Well, that's what happens when you become that guy.
There's so much interest.
To be that guy, first of all, you have to have a fire burning inside you like most people will never be able to comprehend.
And a guy like that's going to be into other kinds of wild shit, too, like gambling.
He's going to want to have thrills.
He's going to drive fast cars.
He's a wild man.
A wild man at the peak of If you think about professional basketball, you watch an NBA game, and all the thought that's involved in which way you're going, and the ability to explode, and then the ability to, in the middle of all that, land a precision shot into a hole.
There's really not another sport like that.
I mean, baseball is you're trying to hit something that's coming at you like crazy.
You're swinging as fast as you can.
And there's a lot of skill to that as well, obviously.
And there's a lot of skill to pitching.
But there's something unique about basketball.
And that in all this chaos, you've got to find stillness.
In all this chaos, you've got to find the ability to stop.
And throw a perfect shot off.
So it's not just incredible physical ability.
It's incredible physical ability and then touch.
It's real weird.
It's a very interesting sport in that way.
It requires you to have your shit together.
To execute that shot, you have to have your shit together.
And you have to have mad practice.
One of the things that I used to love about growing up in Boston was Larry Bird stories.
Larry Bird was apparently just...
An insanely disciplined professional basketball player.
He would get there and practice before everybody, stay after everybody, practice things left and right.
And when they would have those three-point competitions, remember we would have those all-star three-point competitions, in the locker room he would just be like, which one of you guys is coming in second?
That's what he would do.
Just walk in.
They all knew.
But it was just because he...
First of all, he could execute under pressure.
And two, he was just better.
He could do things better than most people.
And even he said sometimes he thought it was God pretending to be Michael Jordan.
You got like two years, then you got to turn in your AR-15s.
That is not making the gun people here happy.
Very, very upset.
And people are pointing something out, too.
This is like a video of a Canadian sheriff discussing it.
And he said, out of all the shootings that I've ever been a part of where there's illegal activity like that and horrible crimes that are being committed, he goes, it's never with a licensed gun over.
These aren't licensed gun owners.
These are people that got these guns.
They're going to get these guns illegally anyway.
Just because they're not legal doesn't mean they're not...
They're going to do an illegal thing.
They don't need a legal gun to do an illegal thing.
And if you think that some...
All you're going to do is make it more difficult and more money for the gun runners.
It's going to, for sure, it's going to be something where it's more risky for them, but it's also going to be more profitable.
It's going to be hard to get a gun over there.
But people are still going to do it.
They bring coke in from South America.
They're going to bring guns into Canada.
It's going to happen, but only the criminals are going to have them now.
It's just, I wish there was a world where we didn't need guns.
I wish, for sure.
But that's not this world.
It doesn't mean you don't love people.
It just means, like, you gotta look at things practically.
You can't look at things the way you want them to be.
You gotta look at things the way they are.
The way they are is, there's more guns than there are people.
And to say you can't have a gun anymore, it's like, okay, well, who gets to have a gun?
And who's going to take the guns away?
And what are we going to do about the Constitution?
And why?
Can we vote on this?
Or should this be a part of the Bill of Rights, where this is how we are, and this is how this country is established, and this is the things we agree on?
We don't want to vote on whether or not we have free speech.
We need free speech.
Should we vote on whether or not we have the Second Amendment?
Some people say no.
Some people say what we're dealing with is a mental health problem.
We're not dealing with a gun problem.
The gun problem is that the mentally ill people get the guns.
It's not a gun problem.
And there's a lot of people that want to have guns to protect themselves from mentally ill people that are violent.
Yeah, but I think that the government could help with that.
I think before restricting guns, I think they could step in and then maybe run it by some psychiatrists and scientists and whatnot and see what they think about the media part of a crime.
You know, I watched this Hitler documentary and it talked about how Eva Braun, this applies to what we're talking about, it mentioned Eva Braun didn't have to go to the bunker to die with Hitler.
And this person said that she did it because she knew that by doing that against Hitler's wishes, That she would inevitably die with Hitler and therefore because she was kept behind the scenes and on the back burner so much become a bigger part of history.
So she could have decided to live a normal life maybe get prosecuted later or whatever but sort of live or go to prison or whatever or go to the bunker and die with Hitler and be part of history forever and be represented as the woman that was with Hitler.
He was snuck out of the country in a submarine or some shit and they brought him to South America.
Well, you know that there's no real evidence.
That's true.
But what there is evidence is a lot of fucking people that live in South America used to be Nazis including like Kennedy had he was on the show and he was talking about finding these people going into their homes and they have pictures of Of Nazi soldiers, like, lovingly framed on their wall.
Like, this is Grandpa, back in fucking Buchenwald, or wherever those places are.
And then you realize like, oh my God, this community, I mean, they have Oktoberfest there where they're all German and they're all drinking beer and wearing Lederhosen and shit.
I mean, he was doing things that they didn't expect.
One of the things that i had read about russia was when they had invaded russia they they knew that they were coming but they they estimated it was going to take a certain amount of time but they didn't think they were going to march 24 hours right they were not going to sleep they didn't take any rest they just took speed so they got there earlier than anybody expected yeah and also all going through france they went through uh They went through the forest instead of the plains.
Can you imagine the horror of experiencing that during World War II, where you were getting your newspapers, that's all you're getting for information, right?
Back then, World War II, I mean, how much stuff was on television?
But all this time, maybe that's why when people like Obama get in office and they have a different perspective on the campaign trail than they do once they actually get in office.
Maybe they're presented with how many moving pieces are on the table and how all this can go wrong at any time and how...
This nation is trying to do this to this nation.
This nation has nukes.
And they're trying to get to us.
And this is how they're doing it.
And then we found that they're listening to our bathrooms.
Well, we were also excited in some ways because we just got through Operation Desert Storm, and that was a big hit.
You know, if that was...
If we were a band, that was our stairway to heaven, right?
It's a fucking giant hit, you know?
I mean, we lost one Scud missile, hit one barracks and killed a bunch of people, but that's it.
Most of it was just a decimation, right?
A destruction by the American troops.
So I think in some ways we might have had it in our head, this is something we're going to do like we did in Desert Storm, just wipe them out real quick and that'll be over.
Fuck.
Here we are, the longest war ever in the history of the country.
And we don't get out.
We're still in it.
And there's arguments that we should stay in it.
And some of them are good arguments.
And you're like, fuck!
Like, is that what the world we're dealing with is?
Like, we were talking about before when it comes to people.
There's so many things that's not, there's not one real clear answer of what you do that's going to determine the best future for everybody.
And you could listen to these experts tell you that you can listen to an expert tells you we don't want to be the policeman of the world.
We need to get out of everywhere now and concentrate on our own domestic issues and just use policy and diplomacy to deal with the rest of the world.
There's other people that say they will blow us the fuck up.
We have to monitor them.
We have to keep an eye on them.
There's a real hatred of the United...
First of all, maybe some of it earned some of the shit we did in the past.
Maybe there's some shady shit that's going on that you don't know about.
But the bottom line is we're going to need to keep these bases.
First, I'm reviewing other roasts that I've done and I'm hitting pause and I'm showing them how I came up with that and how to kill your babies and write new stuff right before and this and that and how to change things based on what people are wearing or their appearance.
And also I'm showing people how to put on their own roast with like their family or co-workers and how to book it and how to get help writing and how to set it up.