April 15, 2020 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:59:54
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
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| Hello friends, this episode of the podcast is brought to you by the goddamn motherfucking Cash App. | ||
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| My friends, my guest today is a good friend of mine, a hilarious stand-up comedian, and he has a new Netflix special that's out right now. | ||
| It's called No Pain. | ||
| He is awesome. | ||
| And also, Brian Callan actually joined us as well. | ||
| He is Chris DeLeah. | ||
| And then, like, at hour two, Brian showed up and it got pretty crazy. | ||
| So, please give a warm round of applause for Chris DeLeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Joe Rogan Podcast. | |
| Check it out. | ||
| The Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Chris DeLia's negative. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That's right. | ||
| I got the test. | ||
| Isn't it nice? | ||
| You know, I got the test because I know Joe Rogan. | ||
| Because I came here and he had a doctor. | ||
| A young strapping doctor. | ||
| He's handsome. | ||
| He's handsome for a doctor. | ||
| I don't like when doctors. | ||
| When doctors are handsome, it's bullshit. | ||
| I don't like him when they're dying, though. | ||
| They look terrible. | ||
| He looks healthy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Well, I get it. | ||
| Yeah, but you want your, I mean, the old-fashioned in me wants a doctor to be 100 years old and have studied for 90 years. | ||
| Not today. | ||
| Not today. | ||
| No, I know, because the young guys know what the fuck's really going on. | ||
| Yeah, not only that, I want a doctor who's got some energy. | ||
| I want a doctor who does CrossFit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Guy who's fucking ripped. | ||
| Yeah, you'd imagine Joe Rogan's doctor definitely looks like he does CrossFit. | ||
| He does, though. | ||
| No, he does. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, he's a handsome guy. | |
| He's healthy. | ||
| He's a handsome guy. | ||
| And he's young. | ||
| Yes, he knows. | ||
| So he knows. | ||
| Most importantly, he knows I'm negative. | ||
| I've been tested twice already. | ||
| Got tested yesterday, and I got tested two days before that. | ||
| I'm just going to test myself every three or four days. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| So I'm testing everybody. | ||
| So the way we're doing this here is when people come in to do the podcast, test them first, keep the fuck away from them, and then give them a hug. | ||
| You're the first person I've hugged in a month. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's weird as fuck. | ||
| It felt good, honestly. | ||
| You know what's I want to be here the day somebody comes to do the podcast and gets tested negative and you have to send them home yeah that's gonna be weird it's gonna happen of course for sure it's gonna happen yeah I don't know what I'll do maybe we'll like put him down there yeah with a mask on yeah it'd be good for the news hey we got Robert Dinny Jr. here today and he has COVID no he's actually clean Robert's clean somebody's not gonna be somebody famous is not gonna be oh for | ||
|
unidentified
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Sure. | |
| My friend Sturgill's positive. | ||
| He tested positive. | ||
| He went in with his wife, and he thought his wife was sick, and it turns out he was. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he wasn't showing symptoms or what? | ||
| He's a little fatigued. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now he feels great. | ||
| That's the thing about me is I'll hear a thing and then be like, do I have a sore throat? | ||
| Well, there's a thing on CNN today that said as many as 70% of the people, it's between 50 and 70% of the people that test positive feel nothing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So they're saying that way more people have this than they previously thought. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So the risk of hospitalization and or death, although it's still tragic and terrible, they're saying it's way lower than they thought, which is great. | ||
| But at least this is like a dry run. | ||
| Like now if something really bad happens, now at least, look, I'm looking at it on the positive side. | ||
| We know that we can get the country to lock down, basically. | ||
| Not everybody, but there's never going to be anything where everybody complies. | ||
| No way. | ||
| But pretty remarkable. | ||
| How many, I mean, just drive around here, man. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| Try to get on the highway. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's I Am Legend out there. | ||
| No one's here. | ||
| No one's on the street. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I almost brought my dog. | ||
| It's I Am Legend. | ||
| I thought, I thought, because when I was going to leave, because your podcast is far away from a place and I was like, oh, I'm going to, I got to leave an hour beforehand. | ||
| And I was like, oh wait, no, I don't. | ||
| No, 15 minutes. | ||
| I can leave fucking 20 minutes before I even get there. | ||
| So that's a positive. | ||
| That's a silver lining. | ||
| That's the positive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want a CBD drink? | ||
| You can have that. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| Does it make you high? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's my question with everything now because everything is CBD. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll have it. | ||
| Some CBD will fuck you up. | ||
| I've had some CBD that makes you high. | ||
| The stuff that looks green is like a company. | ||
| I think it's like Leafly. | ||
| I forget the name of it, but it was really good. | ||
| And I took like four droppers full and I was like, ooh, I'm high. | ||
| Just a little high. | ||
| It was just a touch. | ||
| Just a touch high. | ||
| This is a Kill Cliff with CBD. | ||
| I'm addicted to this shit. | ||
| It's only 25 milligrams of CBD, but it's actually good for you. | ||
| I've broken it down to, I used to drink so much soda, like just when I was 30 and I stopped because I took my shirt off at my parents'house and my mom was like, you gained some weight. | ||
| And I was like, no, I didn't because I had always been 175 pounds. | ||
| Always. | ||
| My whole life. | ||
| And she's like, I have a scale upstairs. | ||
| And I was like, okay, I'll check. | ||
| And I was 200 fucking pounds, dude. | ||
| Like how out to fucking lunch am I that I didn't know that I gained just 25 pounds, right? | ||
| That's a lot of weight if you thought 25 steaks. | ||
| I know. | ||
| 25 one pound steaks. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's a lot of fucking weight. | ||
| You don't think about it. | ||
| And it was spread all over my body. | ||
| Thank God I don't have that gut or whatever the fuck some people get. | ||
| I get it all over, right? | ||
| Dude, mine goes right here. | ||
|
unidentified
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Nice. | |
| I get it in the gut and in my face. | ||
| My face gets fat and my stomach sticks out. | ||
| The face is the thing that you don't realize is getting fat because you stare at it every day. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
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And when I see pictures of me at 30, I look fucking horrible. | |
| It's hilarious. | ||
| My friends text them to me. | ||
| Like they'll see them sometimes because they'll get tagged in them too because they'll be like on the road. | ||
| I just stepped on the scale and I i almost fainted bro that's how good my life is that i almost fainted that i ate that i gained 25 pounds and uh and i and i walked down i walked down stairs like the guy from fucking saving private ryan looking for his arm just in shock and my mom was like uh what and i was like i gained 25 pounds she's like i fucking told you and i stopped drinking soda that day i was like i gotta drink diet because i would drink like five six sodas dude a day that's a lot of sugar it's a lot of sugar but i in my head i was still 12. | ||
| I'm like I'm still fucking young fuck it 30's nothing and so I stopped drinking I switched to diet and diet's fucking terrible then you're just getting cancer so I'm like I'm either gonna be fat or getting cancer you know what fuck it I drank diet for three months and I was like I can't and then I started drinking soda water because I like the bubbles and now I'm good I drink soda water that's all I drink like a gentleman like a fucking gentleman I don't do lime my coffee's black my LaCroix is limeless damn you're dangerous I'm | ||
| dangerous as fuck you live in the jungle yeah with LaCroix all I need when they say what do you need if you were in the jungle alone I need LaCroix and I don't know is it LaCroix or LaCroix who knows how do you say it depends on how much of a cock you are yeah you're a real piece of shit if you order a LaCroix LaCroix LaCroix LaCroix just say croissant and LaCroix or LaCroix yeah your face is like your kids because you don't notice and you're going to notice this as your child gets older you don't notice | ||
| that they're getting bigger. | ||
| you kind of know they're getting bigger right but then someone who hasn't seen him in four months they'll come home and go holy shit look how big he is like oh he got bigger yeah i just see him every day i never uh yeah i don't even notice it now like and it's he's been, he's two months, but I don't even notice it. | ||
| And then I look at pictures back and I'm like, oh, he was a little. | ||
| Man, it's just they're, yeah. | ||
| They grow every, because they're so small, they grow exponentially every day. | ||
| They're like a fucking X-Men. | ||
| Dude, it's the weirdest thing ever when they start talking to you. | ||
| Wait till they start talking to you. | ||
| You're going to be like, oh, it's going to blow my mind. | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| There's so much love that it's like your body's like, oh. | ||
| Dude, when I saw my kid for the first time, I broke down. | ||
| I broke down. | ||
| I started crying like tears like shooting out like a Japanimation character. | ||
| And at that point, I was like, am I going to be the guy who cries or not? | ||
| And then I thought, fuck it. | ||
| And then I just cried for two days straight. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| When my dad came in, he broke down. | ||
| And he saw me holding him. | ||
| He broke down. | ||
| And then I broke down. | ||
| The only one that wasn't crying was the fucking baby. | ||
| The baby's like, these motherfuckers are going to take care of me. | ||
| These pussies, they cry over nothing. | ||
| I'm bored. | ||
| People are born every day. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What kind of a fucking dad do I have? | ||
| I know. | ||
| And grandpa? | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| When you're a kid, you just got to hope. | ||
| You're just like, come on, Sam. | ||
| You got to hope you got a good family. | ||
| Like, you got no call. | ||
| They have to take care of you. | ||
| When you see people that are shitty parents. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And we took in this dog we found on the street. | ||
| And this motherfucker, dude, this dog lives in fucking Beverly Hills now. | ||
| We found him near Target in fucking Van Nuys. | ||
| You just found him? | ||
| Found him running around. | ||
| Picked him up. | ||
| What kind of dog? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| One of these dogs where you're like, what kind of dog is that? | ||
| And then I got to be like, dude, I don't fucking know. | ||
| Mine? | ||
| And so. | ||
| So he just took it. | ||
| Took it. | ||
| Bring, bring, bring, we bring that fucking motherfucker from the valley deep, like Satakoi. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| To Beverly Hills. | ||
| You understand? | ||
| And this dog fucking runs away every three days. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Oh, it's one of those dogs. | ||
| Every three fucking days. | ||
| Oh, it's one of those dogs. | ||
| And we're trying to take care of this motherfucker. | ||
| And it's been about six, five months now. | ||
| Dude, he's run away probably 15 times. | ||
| And I'm running around in my fucking boxers and just a shirt. | ||
| And you're like, dude, you hit the lotto. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you not get it? | ||
| I'm like, dude, you don't understand. | ||
| You get fed every day, the good food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got other dogs here. | ||
| Everybody likes you. | ||
| This is fun. | ||
| You got a big backyard. | ||
| Jump in the fucking pool if you want. | ||
| I got LaCroix, motherfucker. | ||
| La Croix. | ||
|
unidentified
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Have it. | |
| And this LaCoix in his pool. | ||
| And this dog is just every chance he gets. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Every chance he fucking gets, dude, I get so mad. | |
| My friend Shaheen has a dog that climbs fences and escapes. | ||
| It climbs. | ||
| They got video of this little dog climbing the fence, climbing a fucking fence and escaping. | ||
| Dogs are getting fucking dogs are getting advanced. | ||
| They're like Asian girls with asses. | ||
| They're getting fucking advanced. | ||
| He's gone now. | ||
| He vanished. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Of course he did. | ||
| Coyotes got him or bobcats. | ||
| There's a lot of bobcats out here now. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| You posted a few of the other things. | ||
| Dude, in my neighborhood, there's quite a few. | ||
| There's a video in my neighborhood of a bobcat scrapping with a rattlesnake in the middle of the street. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's just the end of the world, man. | ||
| The end of the world, as we know it. | ||
| My uncle is like, we call him Dark Mike because he always brings the fucking laughter to a screeching halt. | ||
| Like he'll be like, you know, Uncle Mike, but he'll be like, he'll be like, we'll be having a good time. | ||
| And he'll be like, you know, my neighbor the other day, he has a cat, and he checked the backyard. | ||
| The only thing was left was the cat's face. | ||
| And we're like, what? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, Bobcat's got it. | ||
| And we're like, we're having a good time. | ||
| So he told us one time where he knew a guy who had this dog that would scale the wall and jump over. | ||
| So he tried to stop the dog by leashing him up. | ||
| The dog jumped over, hung himself. | ||
| Imagine. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| These dogs don't know how good they fucking have it. | ||
| This is a dumb dog. | ||
| Are dogs smart? | ||
| I mean, some dogs are smart. | ||
| Smart for a dog. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Smart for a dog. | ||
| German chepards are smart. | ||
| Those motherfuckers are... | ||
| You have to take it running. | ||
| You have to do it. | ||
| Because they are badass dogs. | ||
| They get bored. | ||
|
unidentified
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They're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm an athlete. | |
| Come on. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Time to do some shit. | ||
| But I saw, like, I don't know if it was like a tweet the other day, but it's like, you know, we all are staying inside now, and it's been like two, three weeks, four weeks, whatever. | ||
| That's how dogs are all the time. | ||
| And I was like, oh man, my dogs are maybe they're bored. | ||
| Oh, yeah, they definitely get bored. | ||
| I got two Yorkies, and they're kind of just like lap dogs, but I got another dog that's big, and then this fucking little one that I don't know what it is. | ||
| The one that keeps running away. | ||
| We call him, what do we call him? | ||
| Dirt trash dog. | ||
| Because he's always fucking in the trash. | ||
| You should call him Cool Hand Luke because he always escapes. | ||
|
unidentified
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No, dude. | |
| This guy treats up fucking. | ||
| Movie God, he is a failure to communicate. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| He treats my nice house like it's fucking Angola. | ||
| It's so fucking annoying, dude. | ||
| I get offended at my house. | ||
| I'm like, this is a nice place. | ||
| We took you in, you piece of shit. | ||
| Well, he's probably been roaming forever. | ||
| They get used to roaming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like fun for them. | ||
| If they get accustomed to roaming around the neighborhood, yeah. | ||
| I take my dog out all the time because we live in an area where I can take him. | ||
| It's only like a few minutes from some trails. | ||
| Gotcha, yeah. | ||
| So I take him. | ||
| I run with him. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| And we have a yard, so I'll throw the ball in the yard. | ||
| I'll run with him. | ||
| We swim together. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| You've never met my dog. | ||
| No, but I've seen the pigs. | ||
| He's fucking so cute. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I've never had a golden retriever before. | ||
| They're the nicest dogs ever. | ||
| Everybody he meets is like his new best friend. | ||
| You're like, you're my best friend. | ||
| I can't believe you're here. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| If you came over to my house, he'd be like, ooh, ooh, ooh. | ||
| He'd run around you in circles. | ||
| They're the nicest dogs, man. | ||
| They're so nice. | ||
|
unidentified
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It took me, well, one of the dogs we have is a mix. | |
| It's a golden and I think Collie. | ||
| And he's black, like a full black coat. | ||
| And he's just so great, man. | ||
| Collies are great dogs, too. | ||
| That's a good combination. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of those dogs that you want to just take a little bit of the blood and then make another one. | ||
| Some people do that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| Crazy, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's weird. | |
| Yeah, but you'll be doing it one day. | ||
| You'll have to. | ||
| You'll have a guy here that'll be like, oh, but I'm not sure. | ||
| I want to find out what's next. | ||
| I've had a bunch of different dogs with different personalities that I loved all of them. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| I'd like fresh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want, like, my last dog was a mastiff. | ||
| His name is Johnny Cash. | ||
| He was a sweetheart of a dog, but he's different than Marshall, and Marshall's a sweetheart of a dog. | ||
| They're just all different, man. | ||
| But as long as you, the thing is, rescue dogs, I've had a couple of rescue dogs. | ||
| They're just tricky. | ||
| One of them was amazing, and one of them killed my other dog. | ||
| Are you shitting me? | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Yeah, I had a female pit bull that was like, she was a prison dog. | ||
| They was in the LA animal shelters, a no-kill shelter. | ||
| So they had her in here for a long time. | ||
| She was in there for a good portion of her life. | ||
| And she would fight other dogs over attention. | ||
| Like if anybody was petting the other dog, she would come over and bite them. | ||
| Like she wanted all the attention. | ||
| She thought you were stealing attention from her. | ||
| She was rough. | ||
| I know people like that. | ||
| But I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Especially comics. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes. | |
| But in real life, like with just people, she was amazing. | ||
| She was the best dog ever. | ||
| You would think she had the best personality. | ||
| But if another dog came near, she was the first one. | ||
| This is the prison dog. | ||
| Yeah, the prison dog. | ||
| And this prison dog killed another dog. | ||
| Kill the dog that they had. | ||
| That was also a rescue dog. | ||
| That's brutal. | ||
| Yeah, it was brutal. | ||
| So I've had rescue dogs that were great, and then I've had rescue dogs that were sketchy. | ||
| But when you raise them from the time they're a puppy, then you get a chance to just, they know. | ||
| You're going to give them love. | ||
| Like, this is my home. | ||
| Everybody loves me. | ||
| Give them good food. | ||
| You pet them. | ||
| You give them kisses. | ||
| You cuddle and snuggle with them. | ||
| And they know that to expect you. | ||
| So they grow up. | ||
| They don't have all these weird anxieties. | ||
| Like one of my rescue dogs, she could not stop eating. | ||
| She was starving when I found her. | ||
| She had mange. | ||
| It was horrible all over her body. | ||
| And then she would escape. | ||
| She would climb under my fence, knock over the neighbors' garbage cans, eat all the garbage, and come back in. | ||
| Her belly was like bloated. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck have you eaten? | ||
| She was just eating garbage. | ||
| Her neighbors are like, who's taking this trash out? | ||
| Trash was everywhere. | ||
| It was scattered all over the place. | ||
| Then I had to figure it out. | ||
| So then we had to dig into the ground and make sure that the fence went deeper into the ground. | ||
| She couldn't go under it anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She would lie on her back and like her sideways and she was like wiggling under the fence to get to the neighbor's trash and then come back. | ||
| And so I didn't even know. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I didn't even know she was going to be back. | ||
| She came back fatter? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| My neighbor had explained. | ||
| He goes, hey, man, your fucking dog is eating my trash. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| He goes, the girl dog. | ||
| I go, no way. | ||
| I go, but she's always in. | ||
| He goes, dude, she gets back in. | ||
| He goes, she sneaks under your fence and comes back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That is so fucking hilarious that your dog had you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, she had me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| She, she, yeah. | ||
| But she would eat the cat's food. | ||
| She would try to eat my other dog's food. | ||
| She was just psychologically scarred. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| When I got her, she was starving. | ||
| She had all ribs. | ||
| And then within like two months, she had a full coat of hair and she looked great again. | ||
| All her mange was gone. | ||
| I had to give her this medicated shampoo that kills the mange. | ||
| She was a great dog, but she had psychological problems because of the food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had, yeah, this dog, Chenzo, we call him. | ||
| Chenzo, the prisoner? | ||
| Chenzo, the trash dog, yeah. | ||
| Chenzo from Angola. | ||
| And I live next to a really, I don't want to say who because I don't want people to know where I live or where they live, but a really famous athlete, like a really famous athlete, like talking about like world famous. | ||
| And Chenzo digs under the thing and goes to their house. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like this bullshit comedian, right? | |
| I'm like this comedian that's like lucky to live next to this world famous athlete, okay? | ||
| And they're never home, of course, because they have however many houses they have. | ||
| So I have to, every time, and this has been like about 15 times, Chenzo goes under my fence to get to this world famous athlete's house, I got to hop the fucking gate. | ||
| This fucking C-rate comedian hopping the gate from this A-list, A-list athlete. | ||
| It's like he probably has security cameras. | ||
| I rape at them, bro. | ||
| I'm like, there's no way I'm doing this sneakily. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I guess I got to just be me. | |
| 100%. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| With this trash dog. | ||
| Just fucking, and I'm in the back. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, this is nice. | ||
| This place is nice as fuck. | ||
| And I'm in the backyard grab. | ||
| Come here, buddy. | ||
| And he won't come to me. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He's like, this place is much better over here. | ||
| And I'm like, come on, buddy, come on. | ||
| And he'll run. | ||
| And finally, he'll come to me. | ||
| And then I got to hop back over with the fucking. | ||
| And I just know that they're looking at their security camera and they're like, is that the guy from Whitney? | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, people still know me from this motherfucker. | |
| This fucking dog, man. | ||
| So I've been to your house, world famous athlete. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Got a prison dog. | ||
| Got cool hand Luke wants to escape. | ||
| Cool handcenzo. | ||
| That fucking, a dog can make your life awesome or they could be a giant pain in the ass. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Let him escape. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| I got to that point. | ||
| And my girl was like, we can't. | ||
| I'm like, all right. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Because here's the thing. | ||
| I have this thing in my life where if something happens and it's really bad, I go through it. | ||
| And then when it gets better, if it happens again, it's much easier to go through it again. | ||
| You understand? | ||
| I feel like a lot of people are like that. | ||
| But the first time the dog ran away, I was like broken. | ||
| The second time I was like, oh, fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The third time I was like, all right, if this motherfucker wants to get out of here, fuck him. | |
| He obviously wants to leave. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I know where you live. | ||
| Your area is coyotes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They hang out. | ||
| They're out there, man. | ||
| If your dog zigs when he should have zagged. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| They're fucked. | ||
| He's going to get snatched. | ||
| And I don't want to get him one of those spiky coyote vests. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Those don't work. | ||
| No, there's no way. | ||
| Coyotes grab him by the face. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| They just eat them around the vest. | ||
| All it'll be left is the fucking body. | ||
| The face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll eat their guts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, the body, right? | ||
| Yeah, dude, they're awful. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Those fucking cunts, they're awful. | ||
| I see them. | ||
| I drive by, I slow down and I look at them and they just look back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, my oldest daughter lost a puppy to one. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| They're terrible. | ||
| How old Was your daughter when that happened? | ||
| She was 22. | ||
| 23, 23. | ||
| That's just brutal. | ||
| It's just part of living in California. | ||
| They're everywhere, man. | ||
| They're all in Burbank now. | ||
| I was driving down Olive and I saw three coyotes. | ||
| I'm like, in the day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And now, because there's no one driving, apparently they're everywhere. | ||
| They're all over the place now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw, dude, I was in Burbank once. | |
| It was probably one. | ||
| We were going to In-N-Out. | ||
| So, and it was about to close. | ||
| And it was like one, you know, whatever, 1 a.m. whenever they close. | ||
| And I was 21 at the time. | ||
| My buddy was driving. | ||
| I was in the passenger seat. | ||
| And we were crossing the bridge to the downtown Burbank. | ||
| I don't know if you've ever been there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe you know, but like there's a bridge from like the valley to where you cross. | |
| It's very little, but I was crossing this bridge and there was all of a sudden across the bridge, a deer runs across the bridge in front of the car, gets scared of our car and jumps off the bridge. | ||
| Yeah, it jumps off the bridge. | ||
| So there were three of us in the car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We all went like a movie. | |
| Like bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like straight up, we all went, ah! | ||
| And he kept driving because he was shocked. | ||
| And I was like, hold on, you know, stop. | ||
| And he just drove, he kept driving. | ||
| And then, and I, and, and he was like, did you see that? | ||
| That was a fucking deer. | ||
| And I convinced myself, I was like, I think about this like every three months. | ||
| I was like, that couldn't have happened, right? | ||
| Like, first of all, a deer in downtown Burbank and then just jumping to its death. | ||
| And he was like, well, it was scared because of the car. | ||
| And I was like, maybe like your headlights hit it weird and maybe it was like a bag. | ||
| And my buddy said, fuck you, dude. | ||
| It was a deer and you know it. | ||
| And I was like trying to convince myself that it was just a bag in the light because it was dark, but it was absolutely a fucking deer, man. | ||
| So it just jumped over the fence. | ||
| That happens all the time on bridges, you know? | ||
| No, I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, deer jump to their death all the time. | ||
| It's a common thing. | ||
| They jump to their death into the river. | ||
| They jump to their death and land on the highway. | ||
| Yeah, they're not that bright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, sure. | |
| And they panic. | ||
| Yeah, this thing fucking panics. | ||
| They see lights. | ||
| They see headlights. | ||
| That's why that's expression. | ||
| Deer headlights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| Look at these deer jumping off to their deck. | ||
| They're so fucked. | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly what. | ||
| Yeah, so it wasn't a bag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's in the back? | |
| Who knows, though? | ||
| They're just like, this is the day we do it. | ||
| They can swim. | ||
| I've seen deer swim. | ||
| When Callan and I went deer hunting, we watched these deer swim away from us. | ||
| Dude, that video where he's talking about shitting his pants is the funny... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You with tears in your eyes, holding up camo on, trying to be quiet. | |
| That's like the perfect storm for shit that I think is funny. | ||
| Well, when Callan and I, the first time we went, we were in Montana for six days camping, and it was one long either gay or shit joke. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| This is in Wisconsin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This makes me laugh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's my friend Doug behind us, Doug Duran. | ||
| Shout out to Doug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what's funny about that? | ||
| We're both 46 and I'd be out. | ||
| Wow, this is six years ago. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| I took a s ⁇ in my backyard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had to. | |
| I couldn't make it to the toilet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's shitting his backyard. | |
| Let's make it. | ||
| And I came up to my wife and I said, in the interest of our marriage, please don't go in the backyard. | ||
| I look at the s that I took. | ||
| She goes, you can't tell me that. | ||
| I go, don't go for my marriage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just hear. | |
| Her father comes running out the cup of being died. | ||
| She goes, "Get away, Dad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get away." One time. | |
| Stop it. | ||
| I got your sh*t out of my car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am not. | |
| She's a f*cker. | ||
| I opened my door. | ||
| I was in Washington, D.C. on Wisconsin Avenue, and I pulled my pants out and stuck just by 100 miles an hour. | ||
| And I wouldn't walk by with her dog. | ||
| The other guy. | ||
| The other guy. | ||
| That's Doug. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| She walked by with her dog. | ||
| She just turned her heads. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| That's a good thing to say. | ||
| That couldn't have been, if that was done on stage or any other situation, it wouldn't have been as funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, that's so funny that you guys had to be quiet. | |
| Yeah, well, you get bored. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're sitting here where we're standing by this field because it's loopy. | |
| Because you're looping. | ||
| I'm hoping a deer comes out, and then Brian starts talking about shitting himself. | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| I love shit like that, man. | ||
| I love shit like that. | ||
| If you, I think if you, like, any age is funny, the shitting, shitting yourself is funny. | ||
| Yeah, except when you're really old, then it's sad. | ||
| No, but what I'm saying is, if you're 80 and you heard that story, you'd still laugh. | ||
| Not if it happened to you when you were 85. | ||
| If it happened to you when you're 80, then it's sad. | ||
| Especially if you're a lady. | ||
| Like, if I'm an 85-year-old man and I shit myself, feel free to laugh for me. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We have your permission. | ||
| Yeah, but old ladies, it's like, oh. | ||
| The last time I've only shit myself once, and I was, I think, 11. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You're not taking enough chances. | ||
| I've almost shit myself and just made it so many times. | ||
| But the last time I almost shit myself and I had to pull over was when I was going to meet Eminem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine if you came over his house smelling like shit with no underwear on. | ||
| You had to take your underwear off and throw. | ||
| And then you have to figure out what to do. | ||
| So then you take your socks off. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You wipe yourself down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy's not wearing socks. | |
| Then why does it smell like shit? | ||
| And so I was in this, the Sprinter van and we were going, you know, I was on tour. | ||
| So I had the Sprinter van and we were going to the... | ||
| It was because you make fun of him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so he thought it was funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I was at my old house. | ||
| This was maybe two years ago at this point. | ||
| And I was in the driveway. | ||
| I don't remember what I was doing, but I was waiting for something. | ||
| And it had been right around the time where like Eminem's album came out or something. | ||
| So he was on my mind and I was like, I was thinking about him and then I was just like, this is how he raps. | ||
| And then I just started doing it to the radio and then I was like, oh, this is funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to record it. | |
| And then I recorded it one time and I was just like, oh, that's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll put it online. | |
| And I put it online and it got, you know, traction for me. | ||
| It was like, it had a lot of hits for me on my Instagram. | ||
| And I was like, cool, great. | ||
| And then like a month later, black Twitter took it and just was like, yo, this guy says this is how, they didn't know, nobody knew who I was, but they were like, this is, this guy says this is how Eminem raps. | ||
| And then it got millions of things of hits on Twitter. | ||
| And then it got so big, my buddies were like, you think Eminem has probably seen it, right? | ||
| And I was like, it's so big. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| One of his buddies must have seen it and showed him. | ||
| And then like a week or two later, my buddy texted me, one of the writers from that show I used to do on Datable. | ||
| And he was like, bro, Eminem. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| And he was like, you didn't see? | ||
| Check Twitter and I checked. | ||
| And then he was like, I thought this was me. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| Like, that's like, if you told the 20-year-old me that M ⁇ M was going to, and then he started being like, I will rap battle Crystalia one day. | ||
| I don't know if you saw that. | ||
| No, I didn't see that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like, I'm going to rap Battle Crystalia one day. | ||
| And I'm like, am I in the hip-hop game now? | ||
| And then, I don't know how much you know about this, but then Logic, the rapper, hit me up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my manager called me and he was like, hey, so look, you know who Logic is. | |
| Every manager has that voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, look, Josh Lieberman. | |
| So, look, I don't know if you know the Logic and rapper. | ||
| And I was like, of course I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was like, all right, so look, he's doing a song with Eminem, and they are rapping together. | |
| And Eminem put you, your impression of Eminem on the back of the song. | ||
| And they're wondering if that's okay. | ||
| And I was like, of course that's okay. | ||
| And he was like, all right, I'm going to look into it and see. | ||
| I'm like, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Don't ask for any money. | ||
| Just let them have it. | ||
| Are you kidding me that this is even happening? | ||
| He was like, okay, I'll know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| And so then he comes back. | ||
| He's like, Logic wants your number. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, okay. | ||
| So I'm talking to Logic and Logic's like, so I have a great idea for the video. | ||
| I want you to play M ⁇ M in this video. | ||
| Have you seen this video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| I wish we could play it on the screen. | ||
| I know, but we can't. | ||
| But Google it if you're listening. | ||
| Everyone, Google it. | ||
| We're looking at it on the screen. | ||
| Yeah, right there. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you could see it, right? | ||
| But not play it. | ||
| So I'm playing Eminem in this video. | ||
| I wrap his part. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And now this is the crazy part, okay? | |
| So I'm talking to Logic here, and I play this super fan of Eminem. | ||
| And he's like, I have an idea. | ||
| I want, we're doing a video. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm way ahead of you. | ||
| This is where I'm way ahead of you. | ||
| And then I take off my wig and I've always been an Eminem like stan. | ||
| And this is me doing. | ||
| You got to watch this video. | ||
| I'll watch it as soon as we're done here. | ||
| So I'm doing this video as Eminem, right? | ||
| And we shoot this. | ||
| And then at the end, you've seen the video where I do the impression of Eminem. | ||
| At the end, Dahlia doesn't play me. | ||
| I play Delia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Eminem dressed as me. | |
| That's Eminem doing me in my car in my driveway two years ago. | ||
| Oh, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Band again players. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| But so. | ||
| And like to think of me as a 20-year-old, like thinking, like finding out who Eminem was and then him becoming one of my favorite rappers, of course. | ||
| And then it's just such a weird fucking thing. | ||
| So that was mind-blowing. | ||
| And then on the way to meet him, I shit my fucking, I had to pull the sprinter van over and he has no idea, but dude, it was so funny. | ||
| It was just one of those things where I was like, I think, you know how you have to, you're like, I think I have to shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the next thought is, I got to shit right now. | |
| Right now. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like there's no thinking involved. | ||
| It's like, oh, it turned into uh oh, exactly, right. | ||
| Clinch. | ||
| So I say to the sprinter, to the driver, I say, hey, buddy, can you pull off the freeway? | ||
| I got a, in my head, I'm like, I got time if there's a bathroom near, right? | ||
| So I'm like, can you pull over and find the first place? | ||
| I got to go to the bathroom. | ||
| And he says, okay. | ||
| And then a few seconds go by and I say, hey, just so you know, like now, you know, because I'm working on something here. | ||
| I got to go. | ||
| And he says, sure enough, no problem. | ||
| So he pulls off and there are two ways he can go. | ||
| And one way he can go, there is only a hospital, okay? | ||
| And the other way he can go is into town. | ||
| So I'm like, in my head, I'm like, it sucks, but we got to go to the hospital. | ||
| And I got to use the bathroom in the hospital. | ||
| And I'm going to run in. | ||
| They're going to think something's wrong, but I'm just going to be like, where's the bathroom? | ||
| I got to go. | ||
| This guy goes the other way into town to find a gas station. | ||
| So now I'm mad. | ||
| So now I have to shit and I'm mad. | ||
| So I say to the guy, hey man, pull over. | ||
| And he pulls over and I open the thing and there were Kleenex there. | ||
| I grabbed him and I ran into someone's yard. | ||
| No. | ||
| It was in the middle of nowhere, dude. | ||
| We were on our way to Detroit. | ||
| And I was in someone's yard. | ||
| I found trees, thank God, pulled down my pants, and it all came out quick. | ||
| And was it diarrhea or was it shit? | ||
| It was not shit. | ||
| It was not shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was just like, right? | |
| Came out like a barking dog. | ||
| And it was over. | ||
| It was over before it even started, you know? | ||
| And I was, I know, I felt so much better. | ||
| And then I used the Kleenex and my opener is in the thing filming me. | ||
| I'm like, bro, I swear to God, if that ends up on Instagram, I will fucking, you're done. | ||
| You're done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And not only that, you're not meeting M ⁇ M. I'm screwed. | |
| Shit in someone's yard. | ||
| Hey, you're not meeting M ⁇ M if you Post that and just in some random guy's yard. | ||
| And so now I feel great. | ||
| I wipe with the Kleenex, and I just, I'm sorry, I littered, but I left the Kleenex. | ||
| So, what am I going to do? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| And it was a lot. | ||
| And I was like, and I and I left. | ||
| I got back into the maze. | ||
| I was like, somebody's going to think there was a fucking bobcat in their yard. | ||
| Like, I just, and we went and we met M ⁇ M, and he had no idea. | ||
| Maybe he'll know now. | ||
| I'm sure he's seen this show. | ||
| But yeah, I shit myself on the way to fucking M ⁇ M. So I don't really count that as shitting myself. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I got outside and did it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a gray area. | ||
| You made it. | ||
| I made it. | ||
| Yeah, I've shit myself many, too many to count for sure. | ||
| But how many of those times were you on a substance? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, it's not. | ||
| That doesn't add to it. | ||
| No, it's usually when I'm in the car and I try to fart and I just fill my pants. | ||
| I'm like, no. | ||
| But the last time was, it's been a few years. | ||
| I did have a disaster happen in the shower not too long ago. | ||
| The best place to talk about it. | ||
| The best place to have it. | ||
| I had to shampoo. | ||
| I had to diarrhea it in the shower. | ||
| And then I had one of them hand things. | ||
| So I hosed it all down. | ||
| And I threw shampoo all over the floor. | ||
| And I washed the fuck in there for a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shitty ass washing the floor of the Joe Rogan. | |
| You had fucking Elon Musk on this show, and you're washing the floor of the fucking shower. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I've shit myself at least a dozen times a lifetime. | ||
| Solid. | ||
| I could bet a solid amount of money. | ||
| Have I shit my pants accidentally a dozen times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| I've never shit my pants. | ||
| When I was a kid, I did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like I said, you need to take more chances. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm just clean, bro. | ||
| I just go before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Things go bad sometimes. | ||
| I know. | ||
| There was one time where I was in New York and not, I mean, how much are we going to talk about shitting, but I was in New York and I felt good. | ||
| I woke up. | ||
| I woke up early, you know, because it was the plane ride and everything. | ||
| And I was like, I'm going to go fucking out in the city, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I take a walk and I find one of those little kiosk places that sell the food. | |
| I'm like, give me a fucking bagel with a bag. | ||
| A bodega? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that what you call it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me a bagel with egg and cheese. | |
| Bold move. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah, maybe from the bodega. | ||
| So I start eating it and I'm walking. | ||
| And then I take a few steps further and I'm blocks away and I'm like, huh. | ||
| I got to go bathroom. | ||
| All good. | ||
| Got to go bathroom. | ||
| Not a big deal. | ||
| And I take a few more steps and I'm like, oh, I got to really go to the bathroom. | ||
| And then I'm like, okay, so do I go back or do I find it? | ||
| This is New York City. | ||
| I'm going to find a, of course I'll find a toilet. | ||
| But it was too early. | ||
| Not many places were open. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, isn't this fucking New York City, the city that never sleeps? | |
| But they're all sleeping. | ||
| So I was like, I'm going to try and go head back. | ||
| I'll find a toilet on the way back. | ||
| And I'm walking back and there's no fucking, there's no shit on the way back. | ||
| So now I'm like, I got to get back to my hotel. | ||
| So I'm like, I had the moment where I was like, do I slow walk and look for a toilet or do I just book it and try to get back to the hotel? | ||
| So I was like, make or break time, book it. | ||
| So I'm running with this fucking, I threw the bagel down, you know, and I'm running to the hotel and I get to the, I was like, and I, and I was, and I got to the point where I got to the elevator and I was like, if this elevator isn't here on this floor, I'm shitting in the elevator. | ||
| So I hit the thing, boom, open. | ||
| I'm like, amazing, amazing. | ||
| Thank you, Jesus. | ||
| Even though, you know, I don't even really believe in it. | ||
| Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but so I get to the fucking, in the, in the elevator and I'm like, I got to start unbuttoning my pants right now because I don't have a second to spare. | ||
| So I start unbucking my pants. | ||
| Door opens, nobody's there. | ||
| Great. | ||
| I'm running down the hall, holding my pants, and I open the door to my hotel room, and it was set up to where there's the open, there's the door, then there's a little bit of space, and then there's the bathroom, and the toilet is here. | ||
| So I had it in my head. | ||
| I was like, okay, I'm just going to undo my pants, and I'm going to swing around and sit on the toilet. | ||
| And like, I don't have second, I don't have one second to spare. | ||
| So I'm like, I got this, I got the layout. | ||
| And I open the thing, the key's got to work. | ||
| It works perfect. | ||
| You know, sometimes you got to do it twice. | ||
| I get in, I swing around, and I'm taking my pants. | ||
| It's like the Matrix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm swinging my pants, my butt, and my pants come in. | |
| And I can't help it. | ||
| And at the last second, I just go and I spray the wall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just spraying the wall on the way to the toilet. | |
| And I sit, and I got, and I, and I'm like, and I'm too happy. | ||
| I know I got to clean the bathroom, but I'm too happy. | ||
| Whew? | ||
| Because I made it illegal. | ||
| I made it. | ||
| I made it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine if you did pray to God that the elevator was there. | ||
| And then one day you fall off a cliff with a broken leg and you're dying. | ||
| And then you're like, please, God, save me. | ||
| And then God's like, no, you used that up. | ||
| Remember that you're going to get out of the way? | ||
| You used that up when you're shit at the cellar. | ||
| I got that elevator for you. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| That was the one you get. | ||
| You get one. | ||
| I would still honestly be like, thank you. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Just fill my pants up. | ||
| Fill my pants up. | ||
| Take it like a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| make it up to that room. | ||
| You know, that's the thing about And after that, just from like bombing and everything, like, I don't really get embarrassed. | ||
| Do you feel that? | ||
| Not the same way? | ||
| Yeah, not the same way. | ||
| Like, if I shit my pants in public and everyone was like, ah, you shit your pants, I'd be like, you've all fucking shit your pants, assholes. | ||
| You have a bit now. | ||
| Yeah, exactly, 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But before I did stand-up, I probably would have embarrassed him. | |
| When you bomb in front of 300, 400, 1,000 people, there's nothing worse than that. | ||
| I'd rather shit my pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Also, you don't take yourself as seriously. | |
| Because you can't really... | ||
| Your friends are always making fun of you. | ||
| No one's serious anymore. | ||
| No one's the cool guy. | ||
| There's no cool guy. | ||
| Everyone's a loser. | ||
| You're a loser. | ||
| I'm a loser. | ||
| We're losers. | ||
| There's moments in life where you take the L. I know. | ||
| And you just got to laugh. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Young guys don't know how to do that, though. | ||
| Young guys. | ||
| A lot of young guys. | ||
| No, because they want to be. | ||
| Want to be the cool guy. | ||
| Yeah, the cool guy. | ||
| But comedians, you have to, that's the one thing. | ||
| There are comedians out there that don't have that, which is odd. | ||
| They're not funny. | ||
| But I don't think they're funny, yeah. | ||
| But they can't be funny. | ||
| But you have to have humility. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, I mean, take it from you. | ||
| You're an alpha, but you go on stage and you make fun of yourself. | ||
| Well, I'm retarded. | ||
| There's a lot of stuff to make fun of. | ||
| Everyone should make fun of themselves. | ||
| It's like it's half the fun. | ||
| Look, anytime you can make fun of something, as long as you're not terribly hurting someone's feelings, you have an opportunity for laughs. | ||
| Laughs are good. | ||
| Laughs make you feel better. | ||
| Trying to make somebody happy. | ||
| Yeah, and it makes you feel happy. | ||
| Like when my kids make fun of me all the time, like I am the butt of jokes constantly. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Your dad? | ||
| Not just that. | ||
| Like, dad's a dummy. | ||
| Like, it's always like, but it's funny. | ||
| Like, when they make fun of me, I don't go, hey, I'm your father. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I'm like, ah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, I am dumb. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You're doomed. | ||
| You have my DNA. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha. | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| But think about the relationship that you and Callum have. | ||
| Like, you will go on stage while he's on stage and just start shitting on him. | ||
| And then he'll start shitting on you. | ||
| But you love each other. | ||
| Oh, love each other. | ||
| But it's like, that doesn't exist in most men your age. | ||
| Most men your age, men are super sensitive about that kind of stuff. | ||
| They don't want to ever lose face. | ||
| They have to go into business meetings and fucking handle things like an executive. | ||
| I can't imagine that life for me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not an honest life. | ||
| My upbringing, though, all we did, my parents, all we did was make fun. | ||
| All we did was make fun of each other. | ||
| Like all we did was fucking bust on each other and we would laugh. | ||
| I mean, whether it was my mom or my dad or my brother, my uncle, we all make fun of each other. | ||
| And it was how we showed we love each other. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I didn't have any of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, my house was humorless. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Totally humorless. | ||
| So how the fuck did you become a comedian? | ||
| Like, what is it about that? | ||
| From fighting. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Because I was traveling from the time I was, I had a fucked up like adolescence and high school time. | ||
| And from the time I was 15 until I was like 21, 22, all I did was compete in martial arts tournaments. | ||
| So we were always nervous. | ||
| So we're always traveling to these tournaments to fight. | ||
| And I would be the guy that made fun of everything. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| So I would like in a locker room when we were about to spar, I would do impressions of everybody having sex. | ||
| I was the guy who would like, I would do, I would be the icebreaker. | ||
| You know, I would break the tension. | ||
| I would be the guy that made fun of everything. | ||
| That was how I coped with the stress. | ||
| And then my friend Steve, who I'm still very good friends with this day, my friend Steve Graham, he's like, you should be a comedian. | ||
| Like, that's literally how I became a comedian. | ||
| Like, how old were you? | ||
| At the time he told me that, I think I was 19. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| I was 19 or 20. | ||
| And I was like, come on, man. | ||
| Like, I couldn't even go to clubs yet because you couldn't perform until you were 21, I thought. | ||
| Turns out you could. | ||
| You just couldn't drink. | ||
| And you had to leave once you got to stay. | ||
| Go on stage. | ||
| You got to get away from and leave. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I didn't know that yet. | ||
| So I waited until I was 21. | ||
| But he was like, because I would make them laugh. | ||
| But I'm like, but you guys are a bunch of psychos and I'm an asshole. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I'm like, other people are not going to think what I think, what I say is funny. | ||
| And he's like, I think you're really funny and I think you should be a comedian. | ||
| And so then you got on stage soon after? | ||
| When I was 21, right after my 21st birthday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then I was like, okay, this is what I'm going to do now. | ||
| Like right away, I knew it. | ||
| I mean, it wasn't like I was good or anything, but I was like, I think I can do this. | ||
| Well, who's good in the beginning? | ||
| No one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you say you're good, you're lucky. | ||
| Let's clear this up. | ||
| You're not good if you just started. | ||
| No. | ||
| I thought I was. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then I saw a video about a few years after I started, and I wasn't. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're just not able to be a good comedian. | ||
| But you know who has a spark? | ||
| People that have a spark is alcoholics and anonymous people. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because they go to those meetings. | ||
| And talk. | ||
| And sometimes they get an act together. | ||
| They develop an act because they're telling these crazy stories about shit they did when they were on drugs and drunk. | ||
| And sometimes they're really funny. | ||
| You know, there was a guy named Dave Fitzgerald that got in a stand-up when I was like 21 when I met him. | ||
| And he had been doing it maybe a year or so. | ||
| And he was already like in his late 30s. | ||
| But he was funny already. | ||
| And he was funny because he had been doing Alcoholics Anonymous for years. | ||
| And he had a fucked up time with drugs and drinking. | ||
| So he had all these crazy stories of just cops and fucking fights and chaos and blacking out and waking up and shitting your pants and just madness. | ||
| And he had a great voice. | ||
| He had this fucking gravelly voice. | ||
| So he would go on stage and tell these crazy stories. | ||
| And so he started out like right away, kind of funny. | ||
| I just feel like because when I started stand-up, I started it with a buddy of mine. | ||
| Like he, he would come with me and we would do open mics, not on the stage together, but I would go up and then he would go up. | ||
| And he had never been on stage before. | ||
| And I, you know, did plays and shit when I was in high school. | ||
| And I realized that you don't just, it's not that you're learning how to be funny on stage. | ||
| You also have to learn how to be on stage, which is a part of it, which you don't, I didn't realize that until I saw me and then I saw him because he would be doing shit like holding his ankle talking. | ||
| And I'm like, he would come off stage and I'd be like, hey man, why were you holding your ankle? | ||
| He'd be like, what? | ||
| And I was like, did you not know you were doing that? | ||
| And he was like, oh, I don't know, no. | ||
| And I was like, Jesus Christ, this guy's not even aware of what his body is. | ||
| So he's standing on one leg? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holding an ankle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, you look like a fucking insecure bitch. | ||
| You're a stalk. | ||
| A stork. | ||
| A stalk? | ||
| Stork. | ||
| Stork. | ||
| Or a pelican? | ||
| What's the one that holds the leg up? | ||
| Oh, flamingo. | ||
| Flamingo. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Stork is the one that carries the baby. | ||
| No, but he, and then he stopped three months later. | ||
| But yeah, I was like, I realized I had a leg up on him because I had done at least plays and been on stage and knew where an audience was. | ||
| Yeah, there's little things you could. | ||
| I was teaching. | ||
| So I was teaching time. | ||
| So I was used to teaching large groups of people. | ||
| So I was used to communicating. | ||
| Yeah, you can use that stuff. | ||
| That obviously helps. | ||
| Yeah, that helped. | ||
| It helped a little bit, but not much. | ||
| No, not much. | ||
| I was terrible. | ||
| But I knew that I could do it. | ||
| I was like. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, I was like, I know I suck, but I know this is a thing you can get better at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you knew when you were starting that you were not good. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, that's one good thing about growing up doing martial arts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Martial arts shows you where you're at with no questions. | ||
| Because when you're sparring or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're winning or lose. | |
| if you get your ass kicked, like, I'm not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And so you never get your ass kicked and go, I'm fucking pretty awesome. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| Yeah, you feel losing a fight is very humiliating. | ||
| It's very humiliating. | ||
| So I knew like right away I wasn't good, but I also was like, I see, because luckily the night that I went up, Jonathan Katz, you know, Jonathan Katz from Dr. Katz, that show that was on Cover Central. | ||
| He was the host of the open mic night the first time I ever went up. | ||
| And then there was this guy, Teddy Bergeron. | ||
| He went on stage that night who was amazing. | ||
| And all these different guys that were like local Boston guys that went up that were professionals went up that night too. | ||
| So I got to see open micers and I got to see professionals. | ||
| And I was like, okay, this is something you can get good at. | ||
| Like this is something that if you practice and you write and you just keep working at it and you keep performing, like I kind of had a vague sense even the first time that I did it, like I could do this. | ||
| I could do this. | ||
| And then I did it a second time. | ||
| Second time was better than the first time. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, so I'm a little more comfortable now. | ||
| I did a little bit better. | ||
| And I'm like, there's something to this. | ||
| I can do this. | ||
| So I knew right away, like within the first or second time that I did it, that this was what I was going to try to do. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I started when I was 25. | ||
| Always, always wanted to be a comedian. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Since I was, I mean, young. | ||
| My dad tells a story where when I was playing with my toys in front of the TV, my dad was watching a Jerry Lewis movie, and Jerry Lewis was doing his fucking crazy Jerry Lewis shit on TV. | ||
| And I was playing with my toys, and I stopped, and I started watching Jerry Lewis because he was being crazy on television and doing his funny stuff. | ||
| And my dad kind of noticed and registered that I was playing with my toys and stopped and now was arrested by this movie and Jerry Lewis. | ||
| And he said, a few beats went by. | ||
| And then I said, hey, dad. | ||
| And he said, yeah. | ||
| And I said, this guy on TV, what he's doing, all that silly stuff, this is his job. | ||
| And my dad said, yeah. | ||
| And I said, like, he makes money doing this? | ||
| And my dad said, yeah, matter of fact, he makes a lot of money doing that. | ||
| And then my dad said, I went like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| And he said that that was the moment that he kind of like likes to romanticize about how I thought I wanted to be a comedian. | ||
| But I wanted to be a comedian my whole life, man. | ||
| And I was scared to do it until I was 25 because I was like, I'm at a loss here. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| I was trying to write. | ||
| I was trying to get scripts turned into movies. | ||
| And I was trying to work on, you know, be an actor. | ||
| But it was like, you can't do that without other people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So as a comedian, I was like, all right, fuck it. | ||
| I always want to do stand-up. | ||
| This is the time. | ||
| I'm 25. | ||
| I turned, it was like 2005 or 2006, 2006, New Year's Resolution, January 2nd. | ||
| I got on stage. | ||
| I forced myself to do it. | ||
| And then I got on stage just every day ever since. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, you were on stage basically every night. | ||
| I just knew that, you know, there's that whole 10,000 hours. | ||
| It's like if you're, and dude, I would go to the comedy store at nine, and I wasn't past or anything. | ||
| I remember I met Maximini. | ||
| You know him? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, so he would run the Belly Room show. | ||
| And I met him somehow. | ||
| And we took a liking to each other. | ||
| And I said, look, I'm going to come by and hang out with you. | ||
| I'm not asking to go up, dude. | ||
| I just want to come and hang and like soak it in or whatever. | ||
| And I would go at 9, and I would leave at 2 a.m. | ||
| Every single fucking night. | ||
| Every single night. | ||
| And more often than not, he would throw me up. | ||
| And, you know, I would never push it. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
| I don't want to be like, hey, man, you got a spot. | ||
| Like, I just, if you want me to be on the show, then I want to be on the show. | ||
| If you don't want me to be on the show, I don't want to be on the show. | ||
| And I would just get good in the belly room. | ||
| And by the, you know, I was 26, 27, I would do it for years. | ||
| You did the ha ha too, right? | ||
| I started at the haha. | ||
| The haha's not a bad spot. | ||
| Dude, the haha's a great spot, man. | ||
| The comedy store came after the haha, but the ha ha was where I got my first start because nobody would go there and I would go and there were real people in the audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you could get on stage in real shows as a young, you know, I had no business being on a real show, but I would go and I would do my shit and pay $5 for the open mic in the beginning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that funny to make you pay to go on stage. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And people would be like, I ain't paying fuck that. | ||
| And I'm like, look, I'm just going to get on stage. | ||
| I'll pay on that. | ||
| So if you've done all these years of every night basically doing standout, what has this month been like for you? | ||
| This month, this quarantine month? | ||
| Has it been weird? | ||
| This is the longest I've ever been in a string of being not on stage. | ||
| I want to be there the first night everybody goes back on stage. | ||
| Me too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I thought about this the other day. | |
| My special comes out today. | ||
| So it's, you know, you could watch it on fucking Netflix. | ||
| Oh, what's it called, Chris? | ||
| No Pain. | ||
| It's on right now. | ||
| It's called No Pain. | ||
| You can see it right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you can see it right now. | ||
| It's streaming absolutely on Netflix. | ||
| So, no, so, but my point of bringing it up, not to plug it, but I'm so happy it came out now because I don't have material that I've been using. | ||
| Like, I know, like, Ali Wong had to reschedule her fucking taping. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| She was ready to go. | ||
| Well, Louie was supposed to film. | ||
| He was supposed to film his shit. | ||
| It was like April 12th, and I wasn't going to be able to make it. | ||
| I wanted to see his taping. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was going to try to make it. | ||
| Three days ago, you're saying. | ||
| He was going to do it in Boston. | ||
| He was going to do it when he was. | ||
| I think it was April 12th. | ||
| He was scheduled in Boston. | ||
| It was like the same weekend. | ||
| It might be like this weekend. | ||
| But it came out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But he didn't. | ||
| He scheduled it early. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Okay, that's what it was. | ||
| It was supposed to be a couple days ago. | ||
| So today's Tuesday. | ||
| He was supposed to be like Saturday, this past Saturday. | ||
| Saturday. | ||
| And they had to do, he scrambled last minute and filmed it in Washington, D.C. And he just put it out. | ||
| He's like, fuck it. | ||
| I'm just going to put it out on my website. | ||
| But he was supposed to be filming like a couple of weeks later, like now. | ||
| And when everything started closing in, everybody realized, like, whoa, this shit's getting weird. | ||
| this shit's getting really weird. | ||
| He bumped it up. | ||
| Yeah, quite a few people have canceled filmings. | ||
| Schultz, Andrew Schultz. | ||
| He did too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he was supposed to be, I think he was supposed to be this weekend. | |
| I think he was supposed to be in LA Saturday as well. | ||
| I think it's the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, I was texting with him. | ||
| He's like, I think I got to reschedule. | ||
| I think I was texting with him. | ||
| Are you making that up? | ||
| Louis was the week before. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| It's all round. | ||
| I know Allie rescheduled. | ||
| Where was she supposed to film? | ||
| I think TC. | ||
| I think. | ||
| And then she was talking to me. | ||
| She was like, I might. | ||
| She's like, I rescheduled it for either June or July. | ||
| She's like, I'm going to have to reschedule it again. | ||
| Yeah, she's going to have to reschedule again. | ||
| Because the other thing is, too, once they lift the ban of going out, you think everyone's going to run to a 2,000-seater fucking... | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Solid dummies are going to be out there coughing in each other's mouths. | ||
| Those are my fans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on out, dummies. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| A bunch of bug chasers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's going to be a lot of people to go out. | ||
| There will be the dummies that are like, fucking finally. | ||
| Well, there's going to be people that are like, first of all, delusional. | ||
| Second of all, relatively healthy and not concerned. | ||
| Take a lot of vitamin C. Do the right thing. | ||
| Sleep well. | ||
| I've been really good with all my stuff. | ||
| Like, I've been in the sauna every night for 25 minutes. | ||
| I take several thousand milligrams of vitamin C every day, vitamin D, taking all my vitamins. | ||
| I do a vitamin drip with NAD once a week. | ||
| Is that what you're talking about with Whitney on the text chain? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The NAD drips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the same doctor that pricked your finger. | ||
| His company does that. | ||
| They do the vitamin D drips. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| The vitamin drips, rather, not vitamin D. Glutathione, scott, zinc, all kinds of shit. | ||
| They put a bunch of shit in the back. | ||
| Why are you trying? | ||
| I saw you talking to her on the text chain. | ||
| You were saying that you're trying to shorten the amount of time of doing it, but you can't because it's overwhelming or something? | ||
| Well, NAD is this stuff. | ||
| What is the name of it? | ||
| Pull the name of this NAD shit. | ||
| Like you can't do it standing up or something? | ||
| She does it standing up. | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| But what you're doing... | ||
| Nicotinamide adenine dionucleotide. | ||
| Okay, it's a cofactor that is central to metabolism found in all living cells. | ||
| NAD is called dianucleotide because it consists of two nucleotides joined through their phosphate groups. | ||
| You know about all this. | ||
| One nucleotide contains the adenine nucleotide. | ||
| Anyway, really good for you. | ||
| Great for the therapy says vital functions like repairing DNA, maintaining cell health, and boosting our immune system. | ||
| So it gives you energy, increases energy, and gives your metabolism a boost. | ||
| So I do that once a week now, and it's supposed to take two hours. | ||
| And the first time I did it, I got it under an hour, and then I've been doing it in 24 minutes the last couple ones. | ||
| So it's, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you build up like a tolerance to it or just doing it? | |
| I don't know if you build a tolerance or you just get accustomed to that. | ||
| It's very uncomfortable. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Your gut. | ||
| real weird. | ||
| And where do they So you're sitting there, and so I just try to see how much I can tolerate. | ||
| My goal was to get it down to 10 minutes, which I think is totally doable. | ||
| To do it in 10 minutes, just open it up and just sit there and meditate and take it. | ||
| And then so at the end, the uncomfortableness is completely over? | ||
| Gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| So it's just during while it's happening. | ||
| It's while it's happening. | ||
| So for 24 minutes, I'm just sitting there like, but what we do is Jamie and I have been doing it. | ||
| We just watch Black Mirror. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you haven't seen that yet? | ||
| I haven't seen all of them. | ||
| I've seen like seven or eight of them. | ||
| But goddamn, that one we watched last week, Black Museum, this was. | ||
| Fuck, that's good. | ||
| Dude, some of them are, that show is like, I think for that show to be good, it has to be hit or miss because they have to take chances. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Some of them are so fucking good. | ||
| That show is just amazing. | ||
| Some of them are spooky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This Black Mirror, Black Museum episode was fucking incredible. | ||
| I remember it. | ||
| That one messed my head up. | ||
| Like, I was sitting there at night just going, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The one, I don't want to say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to spoil it. | ||
| Anybody, but it's great. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| The other one I love is the one where the guy is in Star Trek. | ||
| He has like a virtual Star Trek where he's the king of the world and he has all these people. | ||
| I remember that one yet. | ||
| The best ones are the first ones, though. | ||
| You saw them. | ||
| You went back and watched the first ones? | ||
| I've seen some of the first ones. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| The first season is, I remember you posting about the new season when you were talking about, you know, I think it would be the first time you really watched the show, but I saw it when I didn't know what it was and it blew my fucking mind. | ||
| Like nobody had talked about it. | ||
| And I was like, and I saw it, I was like, oh my God. | ||
| I don't even, was it on Netflix in the beginning or no? | ||
| I don't think it was. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But the first week we see. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Maybe we see it. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| No, the first episodes, I don't know if it's because I didn't know what it was, but those blew my fucking mind, man. | ||
| It's the one with the New Twilight. | ||
| The robots chasing the lady. | ||
| The little drone robots. | ||
| Oh, that's freaky. | ||
| Yeah, what is that called? | ||
| Heavy metal. | ||
| Isn't that one in black and white? | ||
| Or no, did I imagine that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| Okay, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| It's in black and white? | ||
| I know. | ||
| It made it creepy, yeah. | ||
| Why is black and white creepier? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It is, though. | ||
| It really is, yeah. | ||
| Probably because old shit is creepy. | ||
| And that's what it used to be like. | ||
| Old shit's like an added layer of depression because everybody in it's dead. | ||
| Like if you watch like the old Frankenstein movie, the oldest people are dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You're looking at dead people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Also, everything sucked back then. | ||
| So even being alive sucked. | ||
| So bad. | ||
| So bad. | ||
| I guess even the show you're watching sucked. | ||
| The shows are terrible. | ||
| They're fun because they're old. | ||
| Oh, I'm watching a time capsule. | ||
| Right. | ||
| My dad would watch fucking like old black and white, like combat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That show would like, where like they, everybody always talking like this. | |
| Come on. | ||
| Like, hey, man. | ||
| And it's like, dude, who talked like that? | ||
| Dragnet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever see that show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Joe Friday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We gotcha. | ||
| We got you red-handed. | ||
| I want to do a show where I do that voice and it's a fucking drama and it comes out now. | ||
| Well, there's Certain things that you used to be able to do that you should have never been able to do that you can't do anymore. | ||
| And that's one. | ||
| You can't be like, you can't have a stage voice anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| You can't be corny like that anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| But you can still do that if you're on the radio. | ||
| Yeah, like talking about this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weird. | |
| All the hits. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You know what's weird? | ||
| When I used to do radio, you would go and you talk to a guy and they would be normal. | ||
| You'd be like, hey, man, where you from? | ||
| Where'd you go? | ||
| Oh, Boston. | ||
| Oh, cool, cool, cool. | ||
| All right. | ||
| So I'm just going to do weather and traffic and then I'll run you right in. | ||
| And you're like, okay, cool. | ||
| And he's like, oh, coming up at five o'clock of the hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Dude, that's actually so fucking stupid. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Those guys are always, like, you know, when you would come up doing the clubs and shit and like you'd go on the road and then like you would do like the six o'clock morning news. | ||
| And those guys would, I always describe those guys as like, you can hear their face. | ||
| Like, do you know what I mean? | ||
| Like they'll be like, so we're talking to you. | ||
| So, you know, you come to Atlanta, you know, you do the Atlanta imprompt. | ||
| So, so what's that like for you? | ||
| And then they lean in and you're like, this guy's face fucking makes noise. | ||
| It's the weirdest thing, and you don't know unless you've been there, but dude, their faces are loud and shit. | ||
| Like they, you can see the cracks behind their face of who they really are when you're close. | ||
| You can't see it on TV. | ||
| You just take newscasts for granted. | ||
| I wonder who was the first guy that had the radio voice and then all the other people just started copying him. | ||
| Like, how did it become that voice? | ||
| Top of the hour here on 106.5. | ||
| And they do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not W, it's doubled, you doubled, you doubled, you. | |
| You fucking. | ||
| And then the ong, ong, ahooga, boy, on. | ||
| There's another version of that, the Strip Club DJ. | ||
| It's almost the same guy. | ||
| Almost the same guy. | ||
| So it's close variation. | ||
| Come to the stage. | ||
| We got Champagne. | ||
| Come to the stage. | ||
| It's like a liger. | ||
| It's like a cross between a tiger and a lion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Strip club DJ Weatherman. | |
| Hi, it's going to be raining, and here comes fucking candy. | ||
| Here comes Lexus to the main stage. | ||
| That's a weird. | ||
| Cinderella. | ||
| Just why, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why can't it just be like, all right, here comes the fucking next dancer? | |
| Exonica. | ||
| Please welcome Exonica. | ||
| Please welcome Pluto. | ||
| Or my fit. | ||
| Pluto is the fat one. | ||
| No, it's the planet. | ||
| I know. | ||
| The planetoid. | ||
| The planet. | ||
| As a stripper? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You're just throwing it out there. | ||
| Here comes Frankenstein. | ||
| Stripper like this. | ||
| Yeah, maybe a stripper that's really into monster movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She gets all made up. | ||
| Made up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that exists. | ||
| Blood around the wrist and stitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It exists. | ||
| You think you should think of a new thing? | ||
| There's too many people out there and it's too late in the game. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| I posted on Instagram yesterday this gay twinks for Trump that they had a party where they were trying to catch the COVID. | ||
| They had a COVID catch. | ||
| And I said, you know, anytime, here, this is what I wrote. | ||
| I wrote, if you think you've seen it all, every day the internet will prove you're incorrect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
First post, Tony Pitchcliffe, I had a blast. | |
| All caps. | ||
| But what's crazy is the comments where people were angry at me, like for the really, really, really dumb Trump supporters, right? | ||
| There's a spectrum of Trump supporters. | ||
| Some Trump supporters are very intelligent people that just like his economic policies. | ||
| And some people are like, Trump's my boy. | ||
| That's my man. | ||
| You don't say nothing bad about Trump. | ||
| And those people are like, oh, I can't believe you sold out. | ||
| You're fake news. | ||
| Like, they were angry at me. | ||
| And what was their gripe that you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's one of the rare times when I'd venture into the comments to see what the fuck is going on. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's usually a disaster, and I never do it. | ||
| But this is the problem with being home all the time. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's all this extra time. | ||
| I find myself eating pasta. | ||
| I'm doing a lot of things I shouldn't do. | ||
| I read the comments on that one. | ||
| You got to eat fucking pasta and read comments. | ||
| But it confirmed to me that I shouldn't read comments. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I really shouldn't. | ||
| I'm definitely better at that than I was. | ||
| I used to have fun talking shit to people. | ||
| I used to do it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then I was like, my girl was like, what are you doing? | |
| You're going to be fucking 40? | ||
| And like, what is your kid? | ||
| Your kid's going to see this shit? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, you're right. | ||
| I should stop doing that. | ||
| And she's like, by the way, do you want to be fucking really famous or what? | ||
| And I was like, I don't know what. | ||
| And I didn't really think about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she's like, fucking, Captain America doesn't do this shit. | |
| And I was like, yeah, you're kind of right. | ||
| Captain America doesn't do this shit. | ||
| Captain America doesn't go back and forth with people on Twitter. | ||
| Chris Evans, right? | ||
| I was just like, yeah. | ||
| Twitter's hot right now. | ||
| There's so many people. | ||
| I mean, hot in a bad way. | ||
| There's so many people angry because everyone's locked inside. | ||
| Like, Twitter's the place where you get the most angry. | ||
| It's the, yeah. | ||
| By the way, I don't even go on Facebook. | ||
| So that seems like a fucking cesspool. | ||
| That does. | ||
| You have too much freedom to write long things on Facebook. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| People are just too verbose. | ||
| They just, there's too much nonsense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I'm not reading your novel. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not either, man. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| I'm not even going to read your novel, even if it's about me. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's just. | ||
| but yeah tweets and shit people are at least it's concise but people i i i I was reading Marin's Twitter because Marin said it's okay to go for a drive, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And some lady attacked him. | ||
| See, like, I wouldn't even know you. | ||
| And then she wrote 20 different hashtags, hashtag COVID-19, hashtag quarantine, like trying to get so much attention for her tweet that she's tweeting at Mark. | ||
| And so Mark went back with her, and then she went back with Mark. | ||
| I'm like, get out. | ||
| I'm like, Mark, you need friends. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're going to tell you, stop. | ||
| Go for that fucking drive. | ||
| Don't be arguing with this lady. | ||
| I know. | ||
| First of all, you probably shouldn't go for a drive just to go for a drive. | ||
| But if most people aren't doing it and the roads are dead, I don't think it's that big a deal, realistically. | ||
| Now, if you say that, the problem is then a lot of people are going to go, oh, I'll just go for a drive. | ||
| So you can't really say that. | ||
| So you shouldn't say, I'm just going to go for a drive. | ||
| Just go for a fucking drive. | ||
| And if you get pulled over by the fucking Gestapo, you say I was headed out for toilet paper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's not that bad. | ||
| That's the move, guys. | ||
| Just say I was headed out for toilet paper. | ||
| Everybody just goes, okay, or bullets. | ||
| Did you see the guy? | ||
| I ran out of bullets. | ||
| I needed bullets and toilet paper. | ||
| Did you see the guy who I put on my Instagram, but I went to Walgreens and I had gotten some stuff, you know, had my mask on and shit. | ||
| And there was this lady that was checking out in front of me. | ||
| And behind the counter, I say to the guy, I said, hey, you know, over the lady, I was like, hey, I wasn't interrupting, but I was like, do you guys have toilet paper? | ||
| Are you guys all out? | ||
| Because everywhere's all out, you know? | ||
| And he was like, he saw me and he goes like this. | ||
| Oh, hold on a second. | ||
| And I was like, okay, you got the hookups or what? | ||
| And he was like, hold on. | ||
| Did you not hear this? | ||
| Yeah, don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| So he was like, I was like, okay. | ||
| And he finished reading her up and he goes like this. | ||
| Hey, come here. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| So I follow this guy to the back of Walgreens and he goes like this, way right here. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He walks through those fucking metal doors in the back that are just outlawed Joe's wheel doors. | |
| Exactly, yeah. | ||
| And comes back with 24 rolls. | ||
| And he goes like this. | ||
| I'm not supposed to do this, but here you go, man. | ||
| I'm a big fan. | ||
| And I was like, oh, really? | ||
| And he was like, yeah, man. | ||
| And he was ringing me up. | ||
| And he was like, makes my day that you came in here, man. | ||
| It's the least I could do. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I was like, at least my comedy culminated in I get to fucking shit for a few weeks. | ||
| Why was he hiding them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that? | |
| That's what I don't get. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Hoping that someone cool comes in. | ||
| I think in my head, for some reason, I feel like they just didn't put it out yet. | ||
| Or he was hoarding it for himself. | ||
| Maybe it was his personal thing. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Maybe he had like a bad thing. | ||
| But he was the nicest guy. | ||
| And then I put that story on my Instagram, and then he hit me up and he was like, hey, man, this is so great. | ||
| You put it on your thing. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| He was just really sweet, man. | ||
| Well, that's nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it has a happy ending. | ||
| Do you have those bidet toilets in your house that shoot water up your ass? | ||
| I got sent one. | ||
| They're so good. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Right here. | ||
| You want to go take a shit? | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Do you have to? | ||
| I did drink some coffee. | ||
| Do you think you got one brewing? | ||
| Depends on how long this podcast goes. | ||
| You can keep going until you have to shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I shit my pants 20 minutes ago. | |
| They're the best, dude. | ||
| It cleans you up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because I always feel like, okay, there's still shit in there. | ||
| A little wife at that point. | ||
| And you look at the toilet paper. | ||
| It's clean. | ||
| It's clean, just wet. | ||
| I got something for you, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you take Metamucil with the... | |
| Okay. | ||
| I don't need to. | ||
| I have no problem shitting. | ||
| Okay, well, what do you mean? | ||
| Like, I mean, I don't really have a problem shitting, but I'm. | ||
| fiber thing, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, my point is, I eat a lot of vegetables. | |
| Okay. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't want the attitude about how I don't eat my fucking vegetables, okay? | ||
| When I was eating a carnivore diet, I had no problem shitting either. | ||
| Well, maybe you just have a good fucking system, man. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I, like how many times No, no, no. | |
| I don't. | ||
| It's not that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The thing is... | |
| It's in a little defensiveness. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Now I'm in a thing where if you say I'm, How am I going to defend it? | ||
| So I... | ||
| Oh, you splatter. | ||
| Now, spinner or splatters? | ||
| No, it's just not congealed. | ||
| Cream cheese style? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not congealed. | |
| Let's try to make this over here. | ||
| It's the least gross as possible. | ||
| By the way, we've talked a lot about shitting on this episode. | ||
| So I take it. | ||
| I take two scoops of that a day. | ||
| That shit comes out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoop. | |
| That's it. | ||
| I don't even have to wipe. | ||
| I do. | ||
| But I wouldn't need a bidet or anything. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It congeals good, man. | ||
| It's nice to know that it's all polished up, though, washed down. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's shitting. | ||
| It's good to know it's shitting. | ||
| And also, it's warm. | ||
| Like the one we have the seed is warm, and then the warm water sprays on your asshole. | ||
| You're like, ah, you can enjoy it. | ||
| You can enjoy it. | ||
| Sometimes I'm talking to people on the phone. | ||
| They're like, are you peeing? | ||
| I'm like, no, no, no. | ||
| Hot water shooting all over my asshole to clean it off. | ||
| Are you jerking off? | ||
| I'm not peeing. | ||
| Oh my disgusting piece of shit. | ||
| I'm cleaning my butthole, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| I think I've done it once or twice at some hotel or something. | ||
| It's a must. | ||
| It's a must have. | ||
| Well, I have mine. | ||
| I have one. | ||
| I think a sponsor for my podcast sent it or something. | ||
| Aha, there you go. | ||
| You must use it. | ||
| It must be done. | ||
| Tushie or something? | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| That's one of the ones that installs in a regular toilet. | ||
| Tushie. | ||
| An excellent choice. | ||
| Shout out to Tushi for sending it to me. | ||
| And not that expensive either. | ||
| It's a good economic. | ||
| Well, I'll tell you what. | ||
| It's hard enough to get fucking toilet paper now. | ||
| You might as well get some tushie. | ||
| All you need is like a little, a tiny little. | ||
| You know how toilet paper comes in like a little one piece? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We never do that. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| But you could get away with two, two pieces with this bidet. | ||
| Yeah, just dap, dap. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You just give it a little dab. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Drop it in the bowl and all gone. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| It's wonderful. | ||
| And it's warm water, too. | ||
| It's just, whoo. | ||
| I'm going to hook it up. | ||
| Just hoses it down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| It's like a car wash for your butt. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| See, I wasn't thinking about this right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's also, I don't want to get personal, but do you have a lot of asshole hair? | ||
| I'm a hairy guy. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I've been using one of them manscape things. | ||
| Oh, those are great. | ||
| I do the balls and then I go down the old asshole area. | ||
| How do you know you're getting it? | ||
| Oh, I don't. | ||
| I take chances. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| You probably have a guy. | ||
| I have a guy. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| He's the doctor that fucking pricks me. | ||
| I don't even have an assistant. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's crazy to me. | ||
| I don't want one. | ||
| I think once you have an assistant, you probably have made a mistake. | ||
| Like you're doing too many things. | ||
| Do less things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is some weird person who goes and does everything for you. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| I guess I have to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Instead of your flight is at four, and then here's your hotel reservation. | |
| And I walked your dog and I did this. | ||
| I just want to be as normal as I can be. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know how I feel about that. | ||
| Do you have an assistant? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Yeah, I don't. | ||
| You're in the same boat. | ||
| But you're thinking about getting one, huh? | ||
| Well, I've always like, should I get one? | ||
| People putting pressure on you? | ||
| Some people do. | ||
| Chris, why don't you have an assistant? | ||
| Al Madrigal has an assistant. | ||
| So I told Al Madrigal, I go, do less shit. | ||
| He goes, yeah? | ||
| I go, yeah, do less shit. | ||
| Just do less shit. | ||
| You don't have to, you decide what you need to do, right? | ||
| If you're doing so much that you need an assistant, now you're going to deal with this person. | ||
| What if that person has a kidney stone or they fucking lose their car? | ||
| That's funny, yeah. | ||
| You know, you have some new person, you have to deal with their problems. | ||
| I had a real Hollywood moment once where we were like the upfronts for Whitney, the show that I did like fucking nine years ago. | ||
| And I found myself, these are fucking weird Hollywood moments, but I found myself at dinner sitting next to Vince Vaughan. | ||
| And he was like, so you're on the show Whitney now? | ||
| So this is great. | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| That's a good impression of him. | ||
| But he was like, you made it. | ||
| This is awesome. | ||
| I mean, I know you're a comedian, but now you have a show. | ||
| And I was like, oh, great. | ||
| And he was like, well, do you have an assistant? | ||
| And I was like, no, he's like, you got to get an assistant, buddy. | ||
| You made it. | ||
| And I always think when getting an assistant, I always think back to Vince Vaughan's telling me I needed to get an assistant. | ||
| And I was like, maybe I should get an assistant because Vince Vaughn said it. | ||
| Me and Vince Vaughn had a conversation once about business managers. | ||
| I pay all my own bills. | ||
| I don't want to, I used to have business managers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I was like, he was like, they take 5%. | ||
| And I was like, dude, I give him 5% so I don't have to think about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to think about it. | ||
| I haven't pay everything. | ||
| Have to pay your parking tickets. | ||
| But he's paying all of his own bills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Vince Vaughn? | ||
| Well, maybe he quit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think he wasn't? | |
| He wasn't. | ||
| This was several years ago. | ||
| This was more than a decade ago. | ||
| But I remember having this conversation with him. | ||
| I'm like, hmm. | ||
| Yeah, take five. | ||
| That seems like if you had to, like, how much would you get paid an hour to do somebody else's taxes and someone else's bills and someone else's. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| Especially he's making shitloads. | ||
| Yeah, he's a movie star. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I just watched him the other night and something. | ||
| I love Vince Vaughn. | ||
| Oh, Dodgeball. | ||
| I watched Made. | ||
| Have you seen that movie Made? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's like swingers and then they wanted to get the guys back together again as Jon Favreau directed it and it's Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughan. | ||
| How many years later? | ||
| Was everybody fat? | ||
| No, not yet. | ||
| Bro, they're fucking, that movie's hilarious. | ||
| Puff Daddy's in it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's back when he was Puff Daddy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you allowed to call him by his dead name? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Can you dead name him? | ||
| Because you know, you can't do that with transgender people. | ||
| You get kicked off Twitter for life. | ||
| If you call Caitlin Jenner Bruce, you will get kicked off Twitter for life. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| I think I saw a clip of that. | ||
| You should be mean as fuck to Mark Marin if he wants to go for a drive, though. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weird. | |
| Hashtag it to the end of time. | ||
| Put 20 hashtags up. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| Put it, you know, keep tweeting. | ||
| Keep tweeting. | ||
| Hashtag healthcare. | ||
| Hashtag Obama. | ||
| Hashtag first responder. | ||
| Hashtag Obama. | ||
| Obama endorsed Biden. | ||
| I'm sold. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's fine now. | ||
| Once Obama endorsed him. | ||
| It's not like he can't remember anything. | ||
| Do you see what Donald Trump Jr. tweeted or he put it on Instagram that Biden is like a web browser? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's a hilarious meme. | ||
| The memes have just begun, and here we are. | ||
| It's April. | ||
| By the time November rolls wrong. | ||
| I don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The debate. | |
| What is it? | ||
| His mind is like a web browser. | ||
| 19 tabs are open. | ||
| 17 are frozen. | ||
| He has no idea where the music is coming from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fact that he's posting this, this world is just insane. | |
| The world's so strange. | ||
| Dude, I tweeted something. | ||
| I was like, I don't know if people are going to get pissed off at this or what, but I tweeted, oh, great. | ||
| Bernie dropped out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now the only thing that needs to happen is Trump and Biden need to drop out. | |
| And I was like, I'm going to get fucking shit for this, but I didn't. | ||
| I think it's because I hit everybody, you know. | ||
| But like, dude, it was just like the fact that we have these options are just, I don't know. | ||
| I'm a fucking idiot. | ||
| I'm not good politically, but. | ||
| Yeah, I'm neither. | ||
| I'm not good politically either. | ||
| But it's just. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you see, I just, the debate, Trump versus Biden. | |
| It's going to be a mess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're just going to be like, what are they talking about? | |
| Did you see Trump's press conference yesterday? | ||
| I've watched a bunch of them and I'm like, what am I doing? | ||
| He seems like the negative attention is just finally getting to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Oh, I saw the clip where he was like, you're nasty or whatever he was saying. | ||
| You're a disgrace to the reporter. | ||
| Yeah, he was saying you're fake. | ||
| He always says the ratings are down. | ||
| Ratings are down. | ||
| You have no credibility. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His thing is to always go after their ratings, which is kind of funny. | ||
| It is funny, too, because he was tweeting about it. | ||
| He was like, I'm number one on Facebook. | ||
| People reading that on their phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People reading that on their phone as they're dying from Corona. | ||
| I'm number one on Facebook. | ||
| I'm number one on Facebook. | ||
| By the way, what even is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does that mean? | |
| How do you know that? | ||
| For how long? | ||
| A minute? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's constantly changing? | |
| Number one on Facebook is like, I have the coldest part of the ocean. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Who's measuring that? | ||
| It's so big. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That's the analogy. | ||
| How are you measuring that? | ||
| He said that his COVID-19, his coronavirus reports had higher ratings than the season finale of The Bachelor. | ||
| That's so surreal. | ||
| It's like, this can't be real life. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| It can't be real life. | ||
| The one thing about Trump is, whether you like him or not, he is funny. | ||
| Oh, he's hilarious. | ||
| He is funny. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| He might not be fit to be president. | ||
| He might be one of those, you know, but who is? | ||
| I mean, forget it, whether you think he's fit to be president or not fit to be president. | ||
| If you deny the fact that he's funny, we have a problem. | ||
| Yeah, that's where I'm at. | ||
| We can argue whether or not he's doing a good job economically or a bad job socially. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| Yeah, he's full of laughs. | ||
| That fucking time that he was talking about buying Greenland, he goes, I promise not to do this. | ||
| And he had a photo of a huge Trump tower in the middle of Greenland. | ||
| Oh, I didn't see that. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's funny. | ||
| It's laughed out loud for me. | ||
| I was dying when he was like, did you see the press conference where he was doing it? | ||
| He was like, yeah, they said I didn't do a good job, but I did a good job. | ||
| And this is the proof. | ||
| And he shows this little piece of paper and he goes like this, so you know that they were lying. | ||
| And he flicks the paper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just saw that. | |
| He just saw it like that on TV. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He chucked it. | ||
| Fucking lunatic. | ||
| He's lunatic. | ||
| He's not what you would expect, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| When you expect a person to be like Obama or like Clinton or whoever, to be presidential, like Bush. | ||
| You don't expect that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What I thought, but that's what I thought Bush was. | |
| I thought Bush was the guy that everyone was like, finally, a guy like me. | ||
| A regular guy. | ||
| And I was like, okay, it'll be a while till that happens again. | ||
| And it came back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, Trump's like, he's like the guy in your family where like, oh, he's coming to Thanksgiving. | |
| Like, this motherfucker's going to be talking the whole time? | ||
| And then you find out he's president. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Greenland. | ||
| I promise not to do this to Greenland. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Just one gigantic Trump tower. | ||
| This is Trump in the middle of Greenland. | ||
| Oh, with the exclamation point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Come on. | ||
| That's fucking funny. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| He like retweets memes and shit. | ||
| Weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But also like... | |
| Look at the doctor behind him with the shawl just when he does it with her face. | ||
| Just like, what is happening? | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Why am I here? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Oh, so funny. | ||
| She's got the same look as if someone farted and she's not going to say anything, but she smells it. | ||
| You're like, oh, God. | ||
| She does. | ||
| And she's always wearing those capes. | ||
| She does wear a lot of capes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| Being older in New York City, too. | ||
| Respect me, yeah. | ||
| Chris Callan. | ||
| All right. | ||
| He should be on his way. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Yeah, he's on his way. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Get here. | ||
| This fucking guy. | ||
| Now. | ||
| I know when he said, like, we set it up for him to get tested, too. | ||
| When he said, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I could be there. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Are you coming or not? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Like, thanks, though. | ||
| Like, you ain't got shit to do. | ||
| By the way, nobody has shit to do right now. | ||
| Yeah, you ain't got shit to do. | ||
| He was driving to nowhere. | ||
| Where the fuck was he driving? | ||
| Where is he driving? | ||
| If he's not doing a podcast today, he doesn't have shit to do. | ||
| and I don't think he's doing a podcast today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got, One, two? | |
| He's got 80 podcasts. | ||
| There was a time where he had a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We had like a lot. | ||
| And one of them was the intellectual one. | ||
| And I was like, hey, man. | ||
| Oh, that one was amazing. | ||
| Drop that one. | ||
| Yeah, what'd they call it? | ||
| Mixed mental arts. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| The name, dude. | ||
| Mixed mental arts. | ||
| How many episodes, however many episodes there were, that was that many too many, that too many. | ||
| That many too many. | ||
| The conversations weren't bad, but the title had to go. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I never listened to it. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Mixed mental arts. | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| It might have been worse than that. | ||
| I might be blacking out. | ||
| I think it was that. | ||
| That's over. | ||
| He's the only guy I know with a TV show that's hoping it gets canceled. | ||
| So funny. | ||
| He's like, I can't do this. | ||
| I don't want to do this anymore. | ||
| I'm like, I told you. | ||
| He sent me a video a few weeks ago and he was like, work my whole life as an actor? | ||
| He had on like a fucking Iron Man thing and a thing that was blinking because he was dressed for the scene and he was like, this is my life, man. | ||
| And it was a rot. | ||
| Let me see if I can fucking find it. | ||
| He was like, he hates it. | ||
| He's like, it's so boring. | ||
| He goes, the people are great. | ||
| I love working with these people. | ||
| The thing is, it's so boring and it takes so much time. | ||
| I'd rather just do stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The thing is, is just, here it is. | |
| Dave, your airdrop on? | ||
| I can send it to you. | ||
| So you can play it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who knows what he says if it's okay? | |
| I can cut it out if it's bad. | ||
| What is he saying something bad? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Is that what he's in trouble for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think so. | |
| Airdrop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Young Jamie's. | |
| There we go. | ||
| I presented to both of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There we go. | |
| You get it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| But he is a fucking, he's hysterical, man. | ||
| I don't know anyone like him. | ||
| Dude, he is the only guy. | ||
| One time. | ||
| This is how he is. | ||
| Just so you know, everybody who's listening. | ||
| One of our best friends. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| We talk a lot of shit because it's fun. | ||
| But he said. | ||
| He'd be there in 20 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great. | |
| We were at dinner with friends. | ||
| Sasso was there, other guys that we knew for a while. | ||
| And a few of them had never seen me do stand-up. | ||
| And we were at dinner, and I was like, I got to leave, guys. | ||
| I got to set at the comedy store. | ||
| And they were like, oh, you do? | ||
| Well, when do you go on? | ||
| And I was like, well, I got to get there early because I don't want to be late for the spot. | ||
| But as long as you get there by whatever, 9.30, come on by. | ||
| And they're like, oh, cool. | ||
| We'll all come. | ||
| So I go. | ||
| I go. | ||
| I tell the door guys. | ||
| I was like, my buddies are coming. | ||
| Sass is going to be there. | ||
| You know who he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let him in with a crew. | |
| And also, Callum's going to be there. | ||
| So I get on. | ||
| So it's like, oh, yeah. | ||
| I said, they may come when I'm going on stage, whatever, let them in. | ||
| So I get on stage, do my set, and I'm like, ah, it's cool. | ||
| My friends are here. | ||
| Get off stage and I say, hey, where'd you see my friends? | ||
| And they said, they never came. | ||
| And I said, what? | ||
| So I called Will, Sasso, and I was like, hey, Will, did you guys come? | ||
| And he was like, Brian said you were going to the improv instead. | ||
| And I said, what? | ||
| And I called. | ||
| Because he's at the improv. | ||
| So you know Brian. | ||
| So that's how I know you're good friends with Brian. | ||
| So I called Brian and I'm pissed. | ||
| I'm like, these motherfuckers wanted to. | ||
| Why would you do this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They wanted to see me. | |
| They'd never seen me do stand-up. | ||
| Like, it's fun for me. | ||
| Like, it's fun for me to do it for them. | ||
| It's fun for them to see. | ||
| And I call Brian. | ||
| I'm ready to get heated at him. | ||
| Just be like, what the? | ||
| Because this motherfucker had to set it to improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he didn't even fucking mention it. | |
| He probably forgot. | ||
| And they were like, where are you? | ||
| He's like, come on to the improv, right? | ||
| So he stole the time from me, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I call him, and I'm heated. | |
| I'm going to yell at him, right? | ||
| And he picks up the phone. | ||
| And before I can even talk, he says, you ruined the night. | ||
| And I said, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he said, we're at the fucking improv, dude. | |
| Come on over. | ||
| And I was like, you motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he was like, nah, they don't want to watch you. | |
| They're going to watch me. | ||
| And I had to respect it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know what I mean? | |
| Well, that's a good approach. | ||
| If you're going to do something like that, just go on the offensive right away. | ||
| It's a great, yeah, it's 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't want to be that. | |
| Oh, whoops. | ||
| You got to love him, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got to love him. | ||
| That guy is just a mile a minute, and he is insane. | ||
| He's way more calm now than when he was younger. | ||
| When he was like 30 years old. | ||
| Couldn't imagine. | ||
| He always had these girls that were useless. | ||
| They were like runaways and they were stealing from him. | ||
| They would stay in his house. | ||
| It was like some new girl staying in his house. | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| It was always a mess. | ||
| So one time I remember he came over to my house and we were going to have dinner and we were going to watch something like a fight or Something he came over my house. | ||
| He was over my house for 10 minutes. | ||
| And he goes, I got a party I have to go to, but I'll be back a little later. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| You came over for 10 minutes? | ||
| Did you tell two different people that you're going over your house? | ||
| You're like, of course he did. | ||
| I might have. | ||
| I go, well, just tell them to go fuck off. | ||
| But it was like, I think it was like something where it was like some producer guy who was hoping was going to put him in something. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| He was literally over my house for 10 minutes. | ||
| Unbelievable, this fucking guy. | ||
| Play this, play this. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| And this is the reason that I love acting because I stay on set for 12 hours, but it's worth it. | ||
| It's worth it because I get to wear a helmet and a laser tag outfit and I get to run around and point and shoot. | ||
| You know who he looks like? | ||
| Pauses. | ||
| You know what he looks like? | ||
| Who's that old Ian McClellan from the X-Men? | ||
| We played Magneto. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get a photo of Ian McClellan as Magneto. | ||
| That's how he looks like it. | ||
| How does he look gayer than Ian McClellan in the fucking thing? | ||
| He does look gayer. | ||
| He looks older. | ||
| McClellan's gay, isn't he? | ||
| He's real gay and he's real old. | ||
| And Brian looks older. | ||
| And gayer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The older gayer Magneto. | |
| I need an image quickly. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Look at him right there. | ||
| Look at him right there, right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That's the one. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's Callan. | ||
| That's Callan. | ||
| That's younger, straighter Callan. | ||
| Yeah, it's younger and less gay. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Go back to Callan. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Nailed it. | ||
| Nailed it. | ||
| That's Ian McKellen. | ||
| Look at the whole thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to be here in 10 minutes when he gets here. | |
| That's the look of Ian McCullough. | ||
| How are you gayer than me? | ||
| Please, please don't lose this. | ||
| I want to be able to pull it up immediately and just say, Callan, guess what we were talking about? | ||
| I love fucking making fun of friends. | ||
| He looks older than that guy. | ||
| How does he look older than that? | ||
| I don't know, the lighter or some shit, the lighting. | ||
| It's working on the set makes him old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Because he hates doing it. | ||
| Well, the thing about, like, you know, I've gotten to do some cool shit. | ||
| Like, you know, I was on that show You that I really like and like, you know, I was on three episodes of that. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| You know the show you? | ||
| No. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Oh, it was like, it's like the stalker show on Netflix where like the guy stalks the girl and you're rooting for him somehow. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, it's really interesting the way they do it. | ||
| I've never even heard of it. | ||
| It's really fucking bingeable. | ||
| Like it's like one of those where it's like, oh, the next episode. | ||
| And I had watched the first season and it was a huge hit on Netflix. | ||
| It was on the Lifetime Network. | ||
| It wasn't a hit. | ||
| Netflix bought it. | ||
| And then it just blew up. | ||
| I watched the first season and I liked it. | ||
| And then this part came up for me to do in the second season. | ||
| And I was like, oh, yeah, I want to do it because I like the show. | ||
| And it's drama. | ||
| You know, I'm not, you know, because the best version for me comedically is to do my fucking stand-up. | ||
| I don't want to be in, you know, these comedies that come out. | ||
| Who cares, whatever. | ||
| So I was like, it's interesting to me. | ||
| Yeah, I want to do it. | ||
| And I did it. | ||
| And I played the kind of like nemesis for the main guy for the first few episodes. | ||
| And it was cool, but it was drama. | ||
| So you're not like laughing all day. | ||
| Like I'm tied up to a chair. | ||
| I'm fucking, I'm doing these kinds of roles where I'm like fighting and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's boring. | |
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Like you're waiting for this shit. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| You're doing the same thing nine times. | ||
| Hurry up and wait. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hurry up and wait. | |
| And then when you are doing it, you're doing the same thing nine times. | ||
| And it's a drama. | ||
| And I like the project and it was great to do and I'm happy I did it. | ||
| And the show is great. | ||
| I love the show. | ||
| But the actual experience, if I'm being honest, to do these, like thinking about the Revenant, like that, saying that was fun has to be the wrong word to do that. | ||
| Fulfilling, sure. | ||
| Rewarding. | ||
| Rewarding, great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's not fun to be in that makeup. | |
| Like the way you do your podcast, you just rant. | ||
| So it's like in the moment, right? | ||
| Then the way you do stand-up, you're on stage. | ||
| It's live. | ||
| It's all in the moment. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| That preparation all for the premiere. | ||
| They're all just waiting. | ||
| Here's the premiere. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And at the end, everybody loves it. | ||
| Yay, great. | ||
| There's six months of my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And now I wait to see what I'm doing next. | ||
| And I start doing the new thing like Christ. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And then if you have one that sucks, like I was talking to Downey right after Doolittle came out. | ||
| He got bombed, yeah, I guess it did. | ||
| The bombed hard. | ||
| And the critics went after him. | ||
| Did they know that was good bomb? | ||
| It's good for a nine-year-old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's just so hard to break through anyway. | |
| It's fucking, it's not the best movie. | ||
| That's the reality. | ||
| And the guy came off of The Avengers, which is like one of the greatest comic book movie series. | ||
| I mean, he is Iron Man. | ||
| Like, you can have a bunch of different Spider-Mans. | ||
| You could replace The Incredible Hulk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's Iron Man. | ||
| You try to have some new Iron Man. | ||
| People are going to go, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's not Robert Smith. | ||
| I saw a clip of you. | ||
| Maybe if you went real young, the beginning of Iron Man, and he was like 20. | ||
| But Iron Man was never young. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, in the comic, sure. | |
| In the comic book, he was an older guy. | ||
| He was a genius. | ||
| I saw a clip where you were talking to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love him. | |
| And he was saying, and you were like, it would be so, you were saying, nobody else could be Iron Man. | ||
| You got to be Iron Man. | ||
| If you ever come back, you've got to do it. | ||
| And he was like, maybe I will, maybe I won't. | ||
| And he was like, and you said, it would be so awesome if you came back. | ||
| And you said, it would be also awesome if you never came back. | ||
| Like, you know what I mean? | ||
| And I was like, that's fucking, I thought it was interesting because it's like. | ||
| Yeah, I wouldn't fucking, you wouldn't want to see somebody, because he is Iron Man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you wouldn't want to see him anyone else do it. | ||
| But him hanging it up after that is the shit. | ||
| Yeah, because some things go bad used to be awesome, like Star Wars. | ||
| Like I was reading this thing where this girl who plays one of the people in Star Wars was bummed out at how bad the movie was received. | ||
| And she's like, I had such an amazing time doing the film and I really loved it. | ||
| And then people just shit all over it. | ||
| And I was like, well, yeah, that's what you do. | ||
| You put something out. | ||
| Just because you enjoy doing it doesn't mean people are going to like it. | ||
| So if you're like, if you're Harrison Ford, who spoiler alert got killed, he might have got out right in time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Before those things went totally sideways. | ||
| It's just like a show. | ||
| That's like Breaking Bad. | ||
| I had never seen Breaking Bad ever, and I'm on season five now. | ||
| There's a quarantine. | ||
| I'm like, great. | ||
| You know, I'm watching the show. | ||
| It ends after five seasons. | ||
| Dude, if a show goes beyond five seasons, it's really hard to maintain. | ||
| Real hard. | ||
| I mean, like, I watched Dexter. | ||
| After four seasons, I thought the first four seasons were fucking amazing. | ||
| After the John Lithgow season, I was just like, all right. | ||
| I lost it at the John Lithgow season. | ||
| The John Lithgow one. | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| It's just like he would have been caught. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He would have fucking, you know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, yeah. | ||
| There was also, like, there's a terrible scene where he's choking some girl in a bathtub. | ||
| And like, that's not how you choke people. | ||
| It's just fake. | ||
| It's fake. | ||
| Stupid. | ||
| No, it was a rear naked choke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it was. | |
| And then he cut her leg in the bath. | ||
| I'm like, this is it. | ||
| And she's not even fighting. | ||
| This is not. | ||
| People would fight you like a wild animal. | ||
| You wouldn't be able to do this. | ||
| You can't hold on to somebody like that. | ||
| It just, you can't do a show for like Walking Dead. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was great. | |
| For three seasons, it was fucking... | ||
| Great. | ||
| But then it's like, okay. | ||
| You got to a certain point. | ||
| You're like, this is a fucking terrible show, though. | ||
| And it's not even the show's fault. | ||
| It's the fans' fault. | ||
| You keep watching this shit. | ||
| It's like, you can't make a show good for 13 seasons. | ||
| Unless you have like 50 people that are writing it and 180 people that are working on the set and all those people have jobs and you want them to stay employed. | ||
| So everybody keeps going. | ||
| And if you quit, then everyone's going to be mad at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Your heart's not in it anymore. | ||
| I mean, like, you know, Sopranos was, I think, six seasons. | ||
| I think that's the most you can go. | ||
| Maybe, yeah. | ||
| Lost. | ||
| Lost was another one. | ||
| By the time it was over, I was like, what is this shitty show? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That used to be amazing. | ||
| People forgot about Lost. | ||
| Lost was a fucking amazing show. | ||
| I saw the first few seasons, and it was just, you know, that show got lost, I think, because it didn't come out. | ||
| It came out before the streaming shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If that came out a few years later, it would have been, people would still be talking about it. | ||
| But I feel like people don't, because J.J. Abrams became such a big deal, and now they talk about him doing other shit, which is awesome. | ||
| They forgot about it. | ||
| There's just too many. | ||
| The thing about shows is now, unlike back in the day, you can access all of them. | ||
| So it's not like if you wanted to watch Starski and Hutch 20 years ago, like, good luck. | ||
| Where are you going to find it? | ||
| Is there a DVD of Starsky and Hutchins? | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| You can't watch it. | ||
| You couldn't watch it. | ||
| You couldn't watch shit. | ||
| So once a show was off the air, it was just off the air. | ||
| But now, they just pile up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They just keep piling up. | ||
| There's no way you can watch Handmaid's Tale, end Ozark, and Stranger Things. | ||
| That's why I give up. | ||
| You got to be okay with giving up. | ||
| You got to give up. | ||
| Like, if a show's not your bag, you got to give up. | ||
| Like Game of Thrones, I watched it for four seasons. | ||
| I know you love that fucking show. | ||
| I don't dare you. | ||
| I know, but I just, you know what? | ||
| It's not my style of show, man. | ||
| Why are you saying, you mean awesome? | ||
| No, it is awesome. | ||
| No, it is awesome, but it's only awesome. | ||
| It's like Breaking Bad, the reason why I love Breaking Bad, the reason why Sopranos, I love it so much, is because there's fucking humor in it, man. | ||
| There's humor in it sometimes. | ||
| There is zero humor in Game of Thrones. | ||
| True. | ||
| And I get that that's a style, but I just can't be sucked into something for five, six seasons where nobody trips, where nobody is just like awkward at a table, and they're just talking about dragons in the most serious fucking way. | ||
| Yeah, but there's real dragons back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't do it. | |
| I know there were real dragons back then, but still. | ||
| They had real problems. | ||
| They had real problems. | ||
| People were like rating. | ||
| And I'm not saying the show's not great. | ||
| It's absolutely great. | ||
| And I could never fucking put that show together in my life. | ||
| It's awesome, but it's just awesome all the time. | ||
| And I need a break from it sometimes. | ||
| You need humor. | ||
| And I don't need something to be rip roaringly funny the whole time. | ||
| As a matter of fact, I don't want it to be so funny the whole time. | ||
| Sometimes funny. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes funny. | ||
| Did you watch Ozark? | ||
| Ozark, the first season I saw it was killer. | ||
| Loved it. | ||
| Did you give up after the first season? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because it was mostly only awesome. | |
| The only humor that ever came is because Jason Bateman is humorous. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't a humorous season. | ||
| It wasn't a humorous shit. | ||
| It wasn't like, yeah. | ||
| But it's so good. | ||
| The only time I can be involved in a fucking movie or something with zero humor is if it's with like Liam Neeson in it. | ||
| And he's just kicking ass the whole time until the end. | ||
| See, I feel like he's got brittle bones. | ||
| He's too old. | ||
| I don't buy him with all these face punches and stuff. | ||
| That guy's going to break his hand. | ||
| I just, taking is the shit to me. | ||
| But yeah, of course, he's going to break. | ||
| After a while, I'm like, he ain't kicking anybody's ass. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But also, you watch a show with dragons in it. | ||
| Yeah, but that's. | ||
| But this is more realistic. | ||
| This old man is going to punch somebody. | ||
| They're going to duck. | ||
| He's going to catch them on the forehead. | ||
| His hand's going to shatter. | ||
| It's going to blow up like a balloon. | ||
| That's what I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I know that. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to happen. | ||
| When a show tries to be a little bit too much, the realness of it, you're like, okay, it's not real anyway. | ||
| So just, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| I'd rather watch Outbreak than fucking Contagion. | ||
| Because it's like, especially now, I watch Outbreak the other night, and it was like, and you were like, we talked about this before the podcast, and you were like, how now? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, because it's kind of silly. | ||
| But contagion, I can't do. | ||
| I heard contagion's almost perfect. | ||
| And like, that's how these things break out. | ||
| No, it's great. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| There's a game that you can play, like a virus end of the world game. | ||
| I forget what it's called. | ||
| Maybe it's pandemic. | ||
| I forget what the name of the game is. | ||
| But my kids were playing it long before all this shit was going on. | ||
| And what's crazy is the way this game works, if you have a virus that kills people quickly, it doesn't spread. | ||
| I was just saying this on my podcast. | ||
| Because it's in the virus' best interest to spread slower. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it hits more people. | ||
| That's why this one's so crazy because not only does it spread, but it spreads through a bunch of people that don't even show symptoms. | ||
| No, it's slow because it wants to survive. | ||
| That's fucking creepy. | ||
| This is the weirdest fucking virus ever. | ||
| It's creepy. | ||
| It's so weird because I've never even heard of something where people, so many people test positive and nothing happens to them. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| But some people are dead. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I mean, we've lost a lot of like really cool, interesting people are gone because of this virus. | ||
| And then other people are just shaking it off. | ||
| Like George Stepanophoulos, nothing. | ||
| Well, I didn't even know you had it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His wife's got it real bad. | ||
| I did a TV show with his wife way back in the day and she apparently has it bad. | ||
| Body aches and pains. | ||
| And Allie Wentworth, she's cool as fuck. | ||
| But she's really hilarious, too. | ||
| So she's got it really bad. | ||
| And he's. | ||
| How old are they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She's probably like. | ||
| Like, how old is she? | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| He's 59. | ||
| So he doesn't even have any symptoms. | ||
| He said he doesn't feel anything. | ||
| He tested positive. | ||
| And she's really struggling. | ||
| That Chris Cuomo guy, he's got it. | ||
| And he just has like a mild fever. | ||
| At night, he says it gets bad. | ||
| Yeah, mild fever. | ||
| But yeah, I mean, how much different do you think it would have been if Tom Hanks died? | ||
| Would have been rough. | ||
| But people would have been a lot scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Or Rita Wilson. | ||
| You know, if his wife died, he lived. | ||
| Or she lived and he died. | ||
| Bill Withers didn't die from it, right? | ||
| He died from something else, right? | ||
| Didn't he have a heart condition? | ||
| Yeah, I don't think he died from COVID. | ||
| So he just died in the middle of it all. | ||
| So that guy from Saturday Night Live died. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Some riders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That they all loved. | ||
| So sad, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people gone, man. | ||
| A lot of people gone. | ||
| This is, like I said, it is a weird virus where it doesn't necessarily really make sense. | ||
| Where some people get it and it's devastating and other people get it and it's just, it does nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's weird. | |
| My parents are fucking 72, 70, 71, 72. | ||
| My three parents, no, I don't know how they're. | ||
| But 72, 72. | ||
| I got eight parents. | ||
| My mom, my dad, and my other dad. | ||
| And no, and you know, you got to think about like, they're just at home. | ||
| My mom's 73. | ||
| Same deal. | ||
| You know, they're worried about it. | ||
| Oh, she had you young. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She had me when she was 21. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| It's one of those things where, you know, when you're older and you see the news, like the percentage of people that are like above 80 that get it, that survive, I mean, it's still like 11%. | ||
| 90% that die. | ||
| Yeah, it's still like, yeah, it's still like 90% make it, but I don't like those. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| For your fucking parents? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Yeah, my parents are healthy. | ||
| They take care of themselves, but fuck, man. | ||
| And look, 30-year-olds die. | ||
| Young people died. | ||
| I was reading about this woman. | ||
| She lost her husband and her 20-year-old son. | ||
| Nothing worse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nothing worse. | ||
| They don't know why, though. | ||
| This is the thing is like they're in the middle of gathering data and trying to figure it out. | ||
| So they don't know what's causing some people to have this spectacular reaction to it where they die horribly and other people, it just bounces off them. | ||
| It's not even a cold. | ||
| The blood type thing about how it might be. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if that's any valid or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| It just seems to me that there's a lot to learn about this disease. | ||
| They don't really know. | ||
| The really scary shit that I've been reading is I was reading something. | ||
| Jamie, what's that article that I sent you today where they're thinking that it's possible that this they're saying that this was the it's the same this area. | ||
| Okay, what is this? | ||
| This website was reloaded. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| This is in the Daily Mail, so it might be horseshit. | ||
| The Wuhan lab performing coronavirus experiments on bats from the caves where the disease is believed to have originated with a 3 million pound grant from the U.S. ad blocker. | ||
| See, the Daily Mail's at least kind of full of shit or sensationalized. | ||
| See if that's someone's writing that that's from a paper. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| What fucking paper can you really 100% believe today? | ||
| Do you have a paper that you go to? | ||
| I don't know who to go to, man. | ||
| The New York Times for me is still my number one choice. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, well, just looking at the news, too, like, I don't know what to watch either. | ||
| Because I keep it on, you know, now I go back and forth. | ||
| I literally go from the extremes. | ||
| I go to CNN and then I'll do Fox News because I want to fucking at least see what both of them are saying. | ||
| Yeah, see, I don't like this, what they're saying. | ||
| According to one unverified claim, scientists at the Institute could have become infected after being sprayed with blood containing the virus and then passed it on to the local community. | ||
| Sounds like a movie. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Well, I mean, everything sounds like a fucking movie now, yeah. | ||
| Well, our world is a movie right now. | ||
| Look at him down there. | ||
| Look at him, look at him, look at him. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| Do a great job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cartoon, The American President, or what the hell is that cartoon called on Showtime? | |
| It's really funny. | ||
| No, is it a Trump? | ||
| It's a Trump. | ||
| It's about Trump, yeah. | ||
| It's him. | ||
| The guy who does it. | ||
| It sounds just like, it's really funny. | ||
| No, I've never even heard of it. | ||
| Yeah, it's there's too many things to watch. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| Thank God you got your shit going on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You know, just do it yourself. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I can't believe when I started my podcast, like, I was like, I guess I'll try it. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, this is the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| No one can tell you what to do. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Oh, that's it. | ||
| Yeah, the cartoon president is what it is. | ||
| Our cartoon president. | ||
| It's funny, man. | ||
| How long is it? | ||
| 2018? | ||
| It's been, yeah, two, two, three years. | ||
| This has been going on for two years. | ||
| How do I not know this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch him grapple. | |
| This is too much to pick. | ||
| It says it's a Colbert show. | ||
| Colbert put this no one trolls Trump harder than Colbert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at his son. | |
| Then we showed him, we spoke too soon. | ||
| We could be your new spokesman. | ||
| Did you see Trump announced his team that he put together to start the economy again? | ||
| No. | ||
| One of the people on his. | ||
| There's only seven people on the team. | ||
| One of them is his daughter, and one of them is her husband. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| I think they backed off of that later in the day yesterday. | ||
| With him and her? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, good call. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Maybe she'd have the fucking smartest minds of economics and health. | ||
| How do you know they're not? | ||
| How do you know they're not? | ||
| I've heard them talk. | ||
| I've heard them talk. | ||
| I just, I don't get it. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| I don't get nepotism when it comes to saving the world. | ||
| It's fucking hardcore. | ||
| When it comes to saving the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Nepotism, all right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You get a job with who you get a job with who you know. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| But like, to saving the world thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is the economy. | ||
| This is the idea is to restart the economy. | ||
| So you'd say, well, let's give them the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| Maybe they have a strong background in economics. | ||
| New Trump panel on reopening U.S. economy won't include health officials. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| Senior White House domestic Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have been expected to be part of the team, but U.S. president says they won't be included. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So he got the bad press from that, and he's like, okay. | ||
| I'm surprised he's back. | ||
| I'm surprised he's painful. | ||
| They didn't make him add more family members. | ||
| Trump will double down. | ||
| Trump teaches us shit. | ||
| Like, oh, you can just double down and it's better? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When it comes to some things, it's true. | ||
| I mean, how many people are just barking fake news anytime there's something they don't like or they don't agree with? | ||
| If you told me five years ago that you could just be like this, that's not true. | ||
| When you know it's true and get away with it, I would be like, no. | ||
| But you can. | ||
| As long as there's enough people that have your back. | ||
| Do you know that there's a super conservative network? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| O-A-N? | ||
| Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| Where the guy literally says, even when I'm wrong, I'm right. | ||
| That's my favorite news network. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| That's what he says. | ||
| One America News Network, also known as One America News, is a conservative, far-right news and opinion channel owned by Herring Networks, launched in 2013. | ||
| It's in San Diego, California, and operates news bureaus in Washington, D.C. That's counts here. | ||
| If you're going to go for it, then just go for it. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| And this is the news, and I'm sure of it because I agree with myself. | ||
| Crystalia signing off. | ||
| The guy literally says when he signs off, he goes, even when I'm wrong, I'm right. | ||
| That's what he says. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's news. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And is he here? | ||
| Yeah, he's here. | ||
| What is he doing outside the door? | ||
| You want me to tell him? | ||
| He's probably talking to the SEALs. | ||
| He gets with the security guys and he starts telling war stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, you boring fuck. | |
| What are you telling those guys, you lying? | ||
| Shut the door, bro. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| What do we want to hear about your dad? | ||
| Get in here. | ||
| We're talking about One American News Network. | ||
| Bro, let me ask you a question. | ||
| I was talking about my dad was just, for the past 45 minutes, was explaining China to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So how did you get questions? | |
| It's amazing that you got boring already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just got here, and we leveled down. | |
| I like the haircut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| It does. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| This is how he always should have been. | ||
| Keep it. | ||
| Don't let his job bully you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, don't let him bully you. | |
| How did you know? | ||
| How did you not know? | ||
| Okay, so how old are you? | ||
| Hold on, you need to see something. | ||
| I'm in my 40s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Older and gayer than Ian McClellan. | ||
| He's older and gayer than Ian McClellan. | ||
| He's older than gayer than the gay soul guy. | ||
| Hold on, that's a shitty lens. | ||
| Look at how symmetrical my face is and how sharp my nose is. | ||
| You look older and gayer than me. | ||
| I was holding water. | ||
| I'd eaten a lot of cheese properly that night. | ||
| You look like him, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're looking at you and he's saying, how are you older and gayer than me? | |
| He's biting his lower lip thinking of sucking your car. | ||
| That's what he's doing. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| When I was a young man, I went backstage. | ||
| I was in college. | ||
| And I met him after his one-man Shakespeare show. | ||
| This ends in tears, right? | ||
| This story ends in tears. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This story ends in tears. | |
| Listen, I want to say one thing before we start anything. | ||
| Okay, just say, please. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| And this is important. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I just want to say don't be shitting. | ||
| No, I'm not going to be shitting. | ||
| I'm not going to be shitting. | ||
| I just want to say, and this is from the heart. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm so, I'm being nice. | ||
| I'm so proud. | ||
| Because it sounds like you're setting something up to me backwards. | ||
| No, this is your special. | ||
| It releases. | ||
| My special is released, yes. | ||
| No pain. | ||
| So to me, it's just so satisfying to watch my student. | ||
| My student looks. | ||
| I'm telling you how this is not going to be shit. | ||
| Okay, so just in the sense that my comedy child, if you will, in a way. | ||
| Just because you used to open for me. | ||
| And so to watch you watch me and then to take me and then to even expand it, not to deepen it, but to broaden it. | ||
| Okay, so you're saying I'm like McDonald's is what you're saying. | ||
| You said that, right? | ||
| And it's good to see who you are, right? | ||
| So you're a pop comic, right? | ||
| Who has to keep reinventing himself. | ||
| Now you're 40. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And now we got to deepen things, and that's where I'm going to help you. | ||
| Okay, okay. | ||
| And how are you going to help me? | ||
| How are you going to help me? | ||
| Magneto's helmet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're going to start with the helmet. | ||
| And then you're going to take, we're going to sit down and I'm going to give you a reading list. | ||
| Why are you dressed like a fucking mannequin? | ||
| You are dressed like a J. Crew mannequin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You shop at J fucking crew. | |
| Like it's 2008. | ||
| James Purce? | ||
| I like those shirts. | ||
| James Purcell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I do too. | |
| But looking at you, you can't tell it's James Purce. | ||
| They make nice shirts. | ||
| Do you wear a white beater underneath? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, dude, yes, you are. | |
| You're wearing a fucking white beater underneath like you're in a play from the 40s. | ||
| Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Look, dude, it keeps my turn. | ||
| Who wears a white beater underneath? | ||
| It keeps me tired. | ||
| It keeps my torso warm. | ||
| You've got three pairs out. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| What's the temperature out there? | ||
| It's 78 degrees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Unbelievable, dude. | |
| Have you ever worn a color? | ||
| I'll explain how to do it. | ||
| Have you ever worn a color besides earth tones? | ||
| With Brian, it's 80 degrees out. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Joe, listen. | ||
| It keeps my lower back, my mid-body warm. | ||
| So if I have to generate torque, I've got to throw a kick. | ||
| I'm not going to twist my back. | ||
| So my back stays. | ||
| You should never kick anybody. | ||
| I saw your kicks. | ||
| First of all, I want to say this. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| On what, dude? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| No, not for you. | ||
| For my special kicks. | ||
| How many wife beaters do you own? | ||
| Dude, that's what he wears underneath. | ||
| He wears underneath. | ||
| My wife won't let me wear tank tops. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because your wife is fucking smart and fashionable. | ||
| But you, dude, you look like... | ||
| You have an actual wife beater. | ||
| You have a real wife beater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should talk. | |
| My wife's like, you already look like a wife beater. | ||
| Don't wear one. | ||
| That's what she said to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's raised. | |
| I'm like, that's great. | ||
| You do look, you have a very hard look. | ||
| She said you look like a meathead. | ||
| She goes, you don't want to give people that. | ||
| So that shows you. | ||
| What's weird is that you can always bring a conversation around to a man's anatomy. | ||
| That's what's weird. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That is what's weird. | ||
| And now, speaking of anatomy, you're getting older. | ||
| Hey, why are you? | ||
| But now, it's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I saw you, when I see old videos of you, you look healthy. | |
| And now you don't not look healthy, but you look less. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| You look less. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| You look like you're wearing a Brian Calamas. | ||
| So don't ever fucking sh- No. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Now, hold on. | ||
| Okay, what? | ||
| Now, this is my house. | ||
| Number one, you're welcome. | ||
| Well, now you're welcome for Joe Rogan, right? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| And now we're closer than you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, we are. | |
| We are. | ||
| We're closer than you. | ||
| That's impossible. | ||
| So Joe Joe said to me a long time ago, he probably remembers, he said, he goes, hey, I go what? | ||
| He goes, this Crystalia kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so easy. | |
| And I said, what? | ||
| He goes, is he? | ||
| And I go, he's all right. | ||
| And then Joe goes, okay. | ||
| Oh, so you gave him your blessing. | ||
| The door open. | ||
| Now, if I want to shut the door, I want to shout the door, I make a call. | ||
| I glance at him wrong. | ||
| I glance at him. | ||
| And you're banned. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Do the rest of the show with a wife beater on. | ||
| Just a wife beater, please. | ||
| Look, dude, I'm not going to sit here. | ||
| What's up, dude? | ||
| I just don't understand how many layers you have when it's 80 degrees outside. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You look like a fucking... | |
| You're watching a play about the 40s. | ||
| And then halfway through, he comes in and you're like, that's the trouble. | ||
| That's a guy who works. | ||
| Where's my bear? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| He's one of those guys that's... | ||
| You know those guys? | ||
| You're not like Marlon Brandon. | ||
| Yeah, because you're going to die soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You know those girders where the guys are eating lunch and they're like 80 fucking stories. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You're on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're on that picture. | |
| One of them of all the guys sitting on the beach. | ||
| There's no wasted space on my body. | ||
| Your body. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| So if you were a building, first of all, you'd be condemned, right? | ||
| If I was a building, I'd tell you what, I'd be more floors than you. | ||
| That's what I would be. | ||
| I would have been more floors than you. | ||
| Look at the picture. | ||
| That's you. | ||
| That sees each and every one of them. | ||
| Look at that guy right there. | ||
| The guy, right there. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| The guy with the body. | ||
| Give me more muscles than that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah, that's not the best. | |
| Nah, that's you, bro. | ||
| But what's the deal? | ||
| What about all these savages just sitting there from lunch? | ||
| What if there's a men that work with their hands? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Lunch box. | ||
| There's a man you don't even know anybody who's killed a baby. | ||
| You're wasting away. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| You know what I got from Chris the other day? | ||
| I sent a video and he goes, I just got this. | ||
| I got a text. | ||
| You look gaunt, huh? | ||
| I was like, you piece of shit. | ||
| Gaunt, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My neck looks thicker with this hair. | ||
| Also? | ||
| Who the fuck is that? | ||
| He says that you're in your 50s. | ||
| I know, but my face is more symmetrical, too. | ||
| But why does it make your neck look thicker? | ||
| Just from training years. | ||
| Training what, dolphins? | ||
| I got you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a fucking burn, dude. | |
| It's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the hardest burn you have ever. | |
| That's a stupid burn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucking burn you, dude. | |
| You didn't burn me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dolphins now, dude. | |
| You clap for yourself? | ||
| I do. | ||
| I clap for myself, dude. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| You're wearing Gucci. | ||
| Gucci loafers, huh? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I'm not going to shake it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you know why? | ||
| Because I just got tested. | ||
| I'm negative and you probably bought COVID in. | ||
| You know what I'm nervous about? | ||
| My heart's beating? | ||
| I have to get my finger pricked. | ||
| I'm very squeamish about that. | ||
| No, are you really? | ||
| Can he do my sporearm? | ||
| You can just do your nose. | ||
| Is your heart try to make that thing smaller anyway? | ||
| Hey, bro. | ||
| Is your heart beating or bigger? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| And ears and noses get bigger. | ||
| I wonder if there's something we can take to keep it. | ||
| I forgot it's COVID. | ||
| Don't be a bitch. | ||
| Dude, let me ask you a question, man. | ||
| You are your heart's beating extra fast because you got to get your finger pricked or because you're in a room with us. | ||
| Be honest. | ||
| You're in a room with us. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm very comfortable. | ||
| Two young guns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't say names, Brian. | |
| Chris, he's got a lot of tattoos. | ||
| I want to talk about this. | ||
| I want to talk about this on Joe Rogan. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You got flames on your wrist. | ||
| You're goddamn it. | ||
| You're super dope. | ||
| Hey, guys, I'm thinking about putting grenades in my hand. | ||
| Agree. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Hard agree. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You can't keep grenades. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You're not allowed to. | ||
| So it's so distracting when you're on stage. | ||
| No. | ||
| Grenades. | ||
| Joe, why do you have that? | ||
| Because I'm a bomb. | ||
| About one grenade and one old-timey bomb, like a bowling ball with a broken ball. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| Or maybe two grenades and a big old cock. | ||
| No, see, that's where it gets a little bit gay. | ||
| And, you know, it's just odd to have a cuck on your hand. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You can't tattoo your hand when you're in your 50s? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| That's why I did it early on, guys. | ||
| I did it early on. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Unless you're a mercenary of some kind and still grizzled. | ||
| You know what you should get on your knuckles? | ||
| Life rips, just as an ode to me. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you for that. | ||
| It's just annoying to me. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, it's okay, but thank you for doing that. | ||
| No, because I took a picture with a girl after my show, and she showed me her hand, and she goes, look, and it said life rips. | ||
| Yeah, she was a plant. | ||
| I told her to go. | ||
| I tell people. | ||
| You know, I tell people. | ||
| These girls get these tattoos for him. | ||
| You know, I tell people to go to his show and wear my merch, and they show up all the time and they wear it. | ||
| It's so boxy. | ||
| I do it on the podcast. | ||
| On the podcast, it says dense. | ||
| You wear my merch at Brian Callan show. | ||
| You make sure it's 50 people. | ||
| And it says driving. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| Dense? | ||
| Yeah, it makes me so angry. | ||
| You know, Dense? | ||
| Because he said, because it's a saying. | ||
| Oh, it's a saying we did that he's. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You stole Mike Hayden's, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, yeah. | |
| Let's just say that. | ||
| And you have a paper airplane on your fucking chest. | ||
| You're damn right. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Makes me want to throw you in a flying headlock show. | ||
| And I could. | ||
| And I could. | ||
| No, you couldn't. | ||
| I could beat you up. | ||
| No. | ||
| I could wake up from a nap and slap you around. | ||
| I wouldn't have to. | ||
| By the way, you do take naps, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you're old. | |
| No, I'm not. | ||
| You take old. | ||
| You take naps because you're old. | ||
| Yeah, you go like this. | ||
| Well, it's 2.30. | ||
| You go like that. | ||
| And then you go, I'll see you guys at 3.30. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| How many times the race is? | ||
| I take a 20-minute nap. | ||
| I don't see you at 3.30. | ||
| No, if you knew anything about sleep, you take a 20-minute nap, no more. | ||
| With your legs up, right? | ||
| Because you like the blood to go down. | ||
| Yeah, dude, you're too old. | ||
| He's too old and bad. | ||
| Or 20 minutes. | ||
| I take a sitting nap. | ||
| This guy. | ||
| Who reads a fucking thing and then changes his whole life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's you, dude. | |
| That's right. | ||
| You're a fucking. | ||
| I'm a reader. | ||
| The guy who's... | ||
| Didn't he run out of ideas? | ||
| That's a long time. | ||
| We had an hour just on shitting this stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We did. | |
| We fucking talked about that. | ||
| We talked about you a little bit. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
| We played the video of you talking about shitting in your backyard. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| And I ended up with, I got a lot of shit stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| So funny. | ||
| Have you, do you have any shit stories you've got? | ||
| We just covered a few of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never shit myself, though, in my adult life. | ||
| I never shit my pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have. | |
| I have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, no, I know. | |
| And Rogue McCay has done it like 12 times. | ||
| At least. | ||
| Yeah, plenty of times. | ||
| I would bet money that it was 12. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Solid 12. | ||
| Yeah, because you push and you keep going. | ||
| Yeah, you keep going. | ||
| You take chances. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And you live hard. | ||
| You live. | ||
| Risk taking. | ||
| You're always in a coffee shop, so you can go right to the bathroom. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Leave. | ||
| Right, aren't you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| You good? | ||
| I'm being polite, but he's here for his leave. | ||
| I drove all the way here. | ||
| Hey, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Leave. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| I drove all the way here. | ||
| I'm not going to do that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did. | ||
| It's far. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got a pandemic test he's going to take. | ||
| We've got to make sure we can be around. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Now, can I ask you a question? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But don't be shitty. | ||
| I'm not going to be shitty. | ||
| Do you think, how quickly do you think your career would stop, would screech to a hall if you shaved your head? | ||
| Well, you have barely any hair, and you don't have a career. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Listen, I have a lot of TV shows going on. | ||
| What's the deal with it? | ||
| What's the deal? | ||
| What ball guy are you? | ||
| Oh, I didn't realize you're playing a ball guy in school. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| I have a hiatus right now. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, but I have two other shows I might get into. | ||
| It might be forever. | ||
| Chris and I might be doing something. | ||
| There might be no more shows. | ||
| No more shows. | ||
| There might be no more shows. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| People getting together and it is crazy, but it is possible. | ||
| You know, we've been talking about when do you get back to doing live shows? | ||
| And there's people that are thinking that it's not going to be until 2021, like the fall of 2021. | ||
| It's going to be a disaster. | ||
| And there's going to be a lot of people that don't want to take vaccines. | ||
| There's a fucking meme going around, things I would trust before I would trust Bill Gates vaccine. | ||
| And it's like there's a series of them. | ||
| So unbelievable. | ||
| You mean the guy who put all his money and time into creating babysitting, and there's a bunch of different like Bill Cosby's cocktail. | ||
| I wonder if that's Russian bots. | ||
| I mean, or Russian. | ||
| Randy Kotor tweeted it. | ||
| He put it on his Instagram today. | ||
| That's a bummer. | ||
| Have you seen it, Jamie? | ||
| No. | ||
| Here, Jamie, I'll show it to you. | ||
| That's a bummer. | ||
| But I just remember, though, when they were locking the shit down and they were like, yeah, big groups of people can't gather. | ||
| And so Joe and I had to cancel our tour. | ||
| And then they were like, now 10 people can't get together. | ||
| And you were like, fuck, okay, I guess I can't do shows. | ||
| Hey, dude. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's making me mad. | ||
| I just sent it to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| No, because they were saying the thing about how they can't go over 10 people. | ||
| You're in my house. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Things I trust more than a vaccine from Bill Gates. | ||
| An email from a Nigerian prince. | ||
| Tapwater from Flint, Michigan. | ||
| An email from a Nigerian with Charlie Sheen. | ||
| Gas Station Sushi. | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| The top right is hilarious. | ||
| The internet wins. | ||
| Tapwater from Michigan. | ||
| A daycare run by Casey Anthony. | ||
| Will Sasso said, I said, because we did that fighter name. | ||
| Name-dropping. | ||
| You know that guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excuse me? | |
| We have a timeshare. | ||
| I love his calves. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's got the biggest calves in the world. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And he could carry all of us. | ||
| He could feed us for a week with one of his calves. | ||
| You're about to talk about male anatomy? | ||
| What was he saying? | ||
| And he said, I said, me and Brandon are going to do another sketch of a 3D Fighter and Kid 3D. | ||
| I would have put you in it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And then, because I see your face got hungry. | ||
| And I'll get you. | ||
| I'll get you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love doing secret shows that nobody sees. | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| We'll get you. | ||
| So he goes, the internet's a sketch. | ||
| We don't need any sketch shows anymore. | ||
| And I was like, fuck. | ||
| In a way, you're kind of right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, what I'm worried about, legitimately worried about, is two things. | ||
| One, this thing morphing. | ||
| There was an article that I just sent Jamie earlier about India, where they're saying that the vaccine won't work on the new strain of coronavirus that's mutated in India because India has its own version of it. | ||
| So these doctors are scrambling to try to keep up with these mutations and figure out what's going on. | ||
| Hopefully it mutates to a weaker version. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But doesn't the flu mutate every year? | |
| Yes, sir. | ||
| And then there's vaccines for flus. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So hopefully there'll be vaccines for and the next flu could be like the fucking H1N1 that kills like 40% of the people. | ||
| Hopefully it morphs into a weaker. | ||
| So AIDS has had to compromise itself so often with these protease inhibitors that actually now they think when you contact AIDS, it's something that incubates and you can just have without taking any drugs in some cases. | ||
| Because it got weaker. | ||
| Because it got weaker. | ||
| So the virus gets weaker. | ||
| Typically, as a virologist, I can say this, typically, as an epidemiologist and a historian, but typically I think viruses get weaker as they disseminate into the population. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess you would know. | |
| Because we develop resistance to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would know. | |
| You were on Veronica's Closet. | ||
| I wasn't on that show. | ||
| You were on that fucking show. | ||
| No, I wasn't on that show. | ||
| You were on that show, dude. | ||
| No, I wasn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You played the bald guy. | |
| No, he was on Sex in the City. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were on Reba? | ||
| We should watch My Reel after this. | ||
| As the bald guy? | ||
| Watch my reel. | ||
| Dude, Sex in the City, you run Sex in the City. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People send me all the time shit about you fucking the girl. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| U.S. may have to keep social distancing until 2022. | ||
| Scientists predict. | ||
| I don't want to hear your predictions, bro. | ||
| They've been wrong about the fatality of this shit. | ||
| So how are they not wrong about that? | ||
| That's not a feasible solution either. | ||
| It's actually not phenomenal. | ||
| Here we go, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here we go, dude. | |
| Listen, if you catch it, your constitution is, No. | ||
| Do you blanche? | ||
| Dude, is that your solution? | ||
| No, I'm dark. | ||
| I'm Italian. | ||
| You're not Italian. | ||
| How are you Italian? | ||
| Oh, you have Irish, that's where No, I'm not Albanian. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not. | ||
| I know there's Italian. | ||
| No, no, I'm not saying that, but I'm saying where would you, what are you, what ethnic group do you think that you closely if you were to play a character besides what? | ||
| Japanese, I would love to play a Japanese game. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| But you can't do that. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I would love to do that, but I wouldn't even do an accent, and I wouldn't even like, I would just be kind of a little bit Japanese. | ||
| No makeup. | ||
| You don't think you'd look, you could say they do take in four. | ||
| You'd play one of the sex traffickers and that. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I would love to do that. | ||
| Can you do an accent? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's very good. | ||
| That's very good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have no idea. | |
| You're barking up Rung Shi. | ||
| 2022 is not good. | ||
| I don't like the sound of that. | ||
| That's 2022. | ||
| That's bad. | ||
| Well, I agree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were supposed to do that thing with Chappelle. | |
| Yeah, well, we rescheduled that shit to September. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Hopefully. | ||
| How are we going to do that? | ||
| How are we going to I think they just test people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that is right. | |
| But then Trump said that there's no way Americans are, all Americans are going to get tests. | ||
| Well, if you want to get tested, you can get tested like Brian's going to get tested in an hour from now. | ||
| It's fucking easy. | ||
| They test your blood. | ||
| I think it costs $200. | ||
| You find out right away, bam, 15 minutes later, you go, yay. | ||
| Or in your case, fuck Brian. | ||
| I don't have $200, dude. | ||
| I have it. | ||
| Oh, thank God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He has it. | |
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I'm testing all my guests. | ||
| Anybody that comes in here, come in here 15 minutes before the show, test your blood, get in here. | ||
| It's a good idea. | ||
| I hugged him. | ||
| I hugged him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We hugged him. | |
| I didn't hug him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The first guy I touched. | |
| I haven't hugged anybody in forever. | ||
| As soon as he tested possibly, yeah. | ||
| But here's my thing about that also. | ||
| Statistically, aren't we all pretty much guaranteed to catch it and not die? | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Statistically. | |
| But some people know. | ||
| You know, the thing about it is you really can't judge this like any other virus because it seems to affect people very differently. | ||
| We were talking about George Stepanopoulos has it and he has no symptoms. | ||
| His wife has it. | ||
| She's being devastated by it. | ||
| She's sicker than she's ever been in her life. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's people that are healthy and young get it and they're on ventilators. | ||
| People who are old get it and nothing happens. | ||
| And then some people just die and some people don't even know they have it. | ||
| They say as many as 70% of the people that have it have no symptoms at all. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| They don't understand it. | ||
| Okay, so let me play a devil's advocate with all due respect to the people who perished and all that. | ||
| When you have a disease like that, and doesn't it make more sense to quarantine in a targeted way? | ||
| Don't we get people who are old and infirm with underlying conditions? | ||
| Can't we target? | ||
| But then again, is that reasonable? | ||
| Because in Italy, three generations live in the same house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So that's why it was so devastating to the old there. | ||
| Well, your grandmother and your grandfather live there. | ||
| And places like, you know, if you don't have money and you have to live with your grandparents, what are you supposed to do? | ||
| That's a real issue. | ||
| Well, you have to be very responsible. | ||
| If you're living with your grandparents, you can't be out. | ||
| But you can't move out, you bum. | ||
| You can't say, hey, some of you quarantine. | ||
| Then it's just going to keep the virus is going to keep going. | ||
| Nobody says. | ||
| But people that are actually very at risk. | ||
| But people who are. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| Well, what I'm hoping is they can come up with antibodies. | ||
| And they can get the antibodies in people before they have an immunity to it, before they have rather a vaccine for it. | ||
| You should sell your blood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But when people have antibodies, like Tom Hanks, I know he donated his blood. | ||
| A lot of people donated their blood. | ||
| Got to get some of that. | ||
| I also think that people have to take their fucking immune system very, very seriously. | ||
| People take their health care plan seriously. | ||
| They take their 401k plan seriously, their car insurance seriously. | ||
| Take your fucking personal immunity, your physical body. | ||
| Take care of that shit, man. | ||
| And most people don't. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there just eating sugar and smoking cigarettes. | ||
| Jimmy Burke, the saint that he is, Jimmy Burke is, this is what he does in New York, this guy. | ||
| He's on his bike, free of charge, and he delivers food to the poor and the old and the people who can't, you know. | ||
| And he's usually up in poor areas of New York. | ||
| And one of the frustrating things, he gets a list from that family, and he has to go buy what they want. | ||
| And he said, he goes, it's so frustrating to me because they're very poor, but they're asking for the worst food, Pop-Tarts, donuts, soda. | ||
| It's nothing that's of substance. | ||
| And he's like, I just want to, whatever time I drop it off, I want to be like, I can teach you a little bit about nutrition. | ||
| You'll be a little healthier. | ||
| And they're a lot of times really overweight. | ||
| Diabetes is such a problem and say, like in Spanish Harlem, it's such a problem. | ||
| It's epidemic. | ||
| Well, they said one of the things they're finding in New York City is the number one factor for having a disastrous result is over being overweight. | ||
| Well, yes, like the smoking in China. | ||
| This is our version. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When you're shredded like me, you're probably not going to feel it. | ||
| People who are overweight are getting fucking destroyed by this disease. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Man, that's tough, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Obesity is what's the number one factor in New York City. | ||
| But I think cigarette smoking's got to be high on that list, too. | ||
| I mean, when you have a cardiovascular disease, anything that's going to fuck with your lungs, respiratory. | ||
| Respiratory. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it diminishes your lung capacity. | ||
| God damn, man. | ||
| This is so scary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a lot more fun before you got here. | |
| We were talking about shooting ourselves. | ||
| We were talking about, and you're just talking about like more. | ||
| I feel weird because you don't have headphones on and we do. | ||
| Like you're not one of us. | ||
| Why do you not have the headphones on? | ||
| I don't like the way they sit on my face. | ||
| They make your ears look big. | ||
| Yeah, they make you look good. | ||
| Look, to be honest, you have a small head. | ||
| You have a small head. | ||
| I have a normal head. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't say that. | |
| That's the one thing I won't take. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's fine. | |
| Careful now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But yeah. | |
| Don't fucking say that because then people will call me pinhead or something. | ||
| No, but no, hey, the internet wouldn't call you pinhead. | ||
| Why would the internet call you pinhead? | ||
| Guys, you still had a shirt. | ||
| Stop saying pinhead. | ||
| People wore it and it's you with your head like 8%? | ||
| It's smaller than it really is. | ||
| Hey, shrunk your head just a little bit. | ||
| So smallhead Brian. | ||
| So you're saying that now it's going to catch fire. | ||
| Now be careful. | ||
| No, I'm telling people on the internet, please don't call Brian smallhead Brian. | ||
| Okay, don't say smallhead Brian. | ||
| I don't want them to. | ||
| I'm sure they'll listen to me. | ||
| But they listen. | ||
| But anyway, Brian doesn't hurt. | ||
| It's also, here's the other thing, too. | ||
| People can call me. | ||
| It's not that bad between turps, right? | ||
| Because I'm talking and you interrupted, right? | ||
| So we can all agree on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you made a mistake, and that's fine, right? | |
| But the reason why it's okay that you have a small head is because you have a small body as well. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I have broad shoulders. | ||
| Although your head looks small for your body, at least your body's still on the small side, but it's not small enough to make your head look proportionate. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| What? | ||
| You line up 100 sports. | ||
| I beat you in 99, right? | ||
| We know you lose to him, man. | ||
| I would lose to him in something that required if you said, well, being a contortionist, you know, you got to be bendy, and that's a sport. | ||
| He can move his body. | ||
| You're very careful about me. | ||
| You're very bendy. | ||
| He can move his body. | ||
| They don't say that. | ||
| They go like this. | ||
| I used to think my name was He Can Move His Body. | ||
| What the fuck people would be pointing and looking at me? | ||
| I'm like, Chris. | ||
| You're bendy because you don't stand for anything. | ||
| Would you be interested in having a competition with him in some sort of sport? | ||
| Yeah, but he would lose. | ||
| We already tried. | ||
| Would you try it? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He can't. | ||
| He's singing. | ||
| He has no wind. | ||
| I got wind, bro. | ||
| You got no wind, bro. | ||
| I got no wind? | ||
| You go, you broke out. | ||
| You should see me do it. | ||
| We had to do see who could hold a note longer. | ||
| Hold a note longer. | ||
| Yeah, okay, cool. | ||
| I mean, I beat him by, I mean, it was embarrassing. | ||
| Okay, fine. | ||
| How long did you beat him by? | ||
| It was a while, but my note was way better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, see, your shit is fucked. | ||
| You do sound like a singer. | ||
| You can sing. | ||
| I saw when you were washing your hands, you were singing. | ||
| Like an opera singer. | ||
| Ah, stop, guys. | ||
| We're not calling. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is just Josh Groban's song. | ||
| I mean, he's not. | ||
| He's fucking complimenting you. | ||
| I've never heard that guy sing. | ||
| Yeah, that's a Harry Communication. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's got, he sings weird stuff, like old-timey. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| A young guy who would sing fucking. | ||
| That's like some Harry Connick Jr. type shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But new. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a funny dude. | ||
| Have you ever met him? | ||
| No. | ||
| Josh Robin's a good guy. | ||
| Funny guy. | ||
| Great sense of humor. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't have to push it. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| What's the deal, man? | ||
| Fucking chilling this Josh Robin. | ||
| He's an amazing man. | ||
| People on the internet. | ||
| He's the best guy. | ||
| Dude, the people on the internet don't say that Brian Callen is the biggest Josh Robin fan. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| And don't say he has a small head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Hey, you might be the youngest fan. | ||
| I might be the youngest fan. | ||
| Josh Groban. | ||
| I think a lot of girls like him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| He's handsome, right? | ||
| He's cute. | ||
| He's a cutie pie. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| What's the difference between cutie? | ||
| He's got crystallier hair, a little thicker, and with depth to his hair. | ||
| Is he thicker than me? | ||
| No, no, no, his hair. | ||
| Oh, bro. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Well, that's okay. | ||
| Well, no, I'm okay. | ||
| Dude, I'm 40. | ||
| I made it, bro. | ||
| Now, you have... | ||
| He dodged. | ||
| He's a bullet of hair. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| No, no, he's good. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But your beard is a little... | |
| Awesome. | ||
| No. | ||
| A little darker than normal. | ||
| So? | ||
| So? | ||
| Somebody is using? | ||
| No, fuck that. | ||
| You're dying your hair. | ||
| No, I don't give that. | ||
| I don't give white in his hair. | ||
| Why would I dye my hair, bro? | ||
| I can't wait to be a Silver Fox, dude. | ||
| And guess who's going to be one? | ||
| Are you saying that he purposely dyes some of the hairs? | ||
| He might be taking some mascara to his beard. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| There's a weird thing when you see a guy and all of a sudden his beard is dark, and you're like, hey. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like, we know you, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We've seen you before. | ||
| What are you doing now? | ||
| All of a sudden, why is your beard dark? | ||
| Your beard used to be white and now it's black. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And it's a weird reddish kind of brown. | ||
| You know, that shitty dye. | ||
| I've done just for men. | ||
| And then my friend, I think it was Burke, said, hey, don't ever do that again. | ||
| Yeah, because it just doesn't look natural. | ||
| It's bad for him. | ||
| Ah, whatever. | ||
| Though you're an actor, sometimes you have to fucking die to play, you know, if you're going to play younger, if you're going to play like 55, you'd want to die. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Careful now. | ||
| Careful. | ||
| My gray is sexy. | ||
| I'm a good-looking man. | ||
| What's the difference between sexy gray and I'm dying? | ||
| I'm athletic. | ||
| I got a strong jaw. | ||
| So you're keeping it together. | ||
| Like you're keeping it together, but you're gray. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you seen me move around a ring or on a mat or something? | ||
| Are you still boxing? | ||
| Still doing that? | ||
| How's your shoulders? | ||
| Doesn't bother your shoulders. | ||
| Oh, dude, dude, this motherfucker. | ||
| How annoying are you about this boxing bullshit? | ||
| Dude, I was in. | ||
| Goddamn motherfucker. | ||
| I got to JFL. | ||
| You know, JFL, the fucking. | ||
| Just for laughs? | ||
| Yeah, just for laughs at Montreal. | ||
| I get there. | ||
| I get there early. | ||
| And I got my shows later the night. | ||
| And I'm like, ah, fucking, yeah, it's awesome. | ||
| I get to see everybody. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| We're in Montreal, whatever. | ||
| The fucking elevator. | ||
| By the way, I didn't even know he was there. | ||
| The elevator opens. | ||
| This guy walks out in, it looked like it was his schooled outfit, but he was going to the gym and a fucking bitch ass backpack. | ||
| And I go like this, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| And he goes like this. | ||
| Oh, come on, man. | ||
| And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Where are you going right now? | ||
| It was like 11 in JFL. | ||
| I was trying to sneak away. | ||
| Be sleeping still because we're all comedians and it's 11 and we're on vacation, basically. | ||
| And it's ages away. | ||
| It's actually really eight or it's actually seven. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So be sleeping still. | ||
| And this guy, I got it out of him. | ||
| He goes, he goes, there's a gym nearby. | ||
| I'm going to go box. | ||
| And I was like, you know what? | ||
| You're so fucking annoying about this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You go boxing with comedy festival. | |
| He goes, because I said, there's a guy who's going to take me around the ring. | ||
| I'm going to practice. | ||
| And he goes, okay, turn around right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And put your buck out. | ||
| You're not going to boxing. | ||
| The fact that he brought like things to the JFL to be like, oh, I got to pack this. | ||
| I want to be ready in case there's a situation, dude. | ||
| And I have to protect people. | ||
| What situation, bro? | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Look at the people you hang out with. | ||
| They can all take care of you. | ||
| You hang out with Shob and fucking Rogan. | ||
| I know, but what if somebody starts giving you a shove around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me? | |
| Yeah, and then you can get a huge hole. | ||
| I can take care of myself, man. | ||
| Shove around? | ||
| Yeah, they start giving you a shove around. | ||
| Osotagari. | ||
| Osotagari. | ||
| That's a judo move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Osotagari all day long, man. | ||
| That's this. | ||
| Somebody comes at me. | ||
| Osotogari all day long, man. | ||
| All day long. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're coming at me? | |
| Osotagari all day long. | ||
| Wow, you're actually doing the move, bro. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| You've studied a little. | ||
| You've trained a little. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm on it, man. | |
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| You speak fucking Japanese. | ||
| I'm on it, dude. | ||
| I can get up to six. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Six Osotogaris. | ||
| What's wrong with your shoulders? | ||
| Just one. | ||
| So they're narrow, right? | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| You were saying physically. | ||
| You can't throw punches? | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| But they slope on your head, right? | ||
| And you come at me, I check hook you. | ||
| Your whole. | ||
| A lot of guys, when they get older, that's what starts going. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| So I got to do a whole warm-up. | ||
| Or, you know what you could do? | ||
| Stop boxing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You could do that because you're an actor. | ||
| But I might have to protect you because all of a sudden you crawl in the fetal position and help me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I got that. | |
| And then what I got to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't do that. | |
| I got to step off. | ||
| Get off my friend right now. | ||
| And then you pee. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I got to go to my car. | ||
| I'm going to shoot fucking pants and they don't fit you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because my legs are from sports and you still haven't grown up. | ||
| I'm in that. | ||
| How about that shit, though? | ||
| You're your cats. | ||
| It's a disagreement. | ||
| Lie and say my legs aren't getting bigger. | ||
| Go ahead and lie. | ||
| What have you been doing? | ||
| You've been lifting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| The upper legs. | ||
| I do squats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do rear-elevated split squats. | |
| No, I saw that. | ||
| Now, your knees. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Rear-elevated split squats? | ||
| To me, they're the worst exercise. | ||
| Your knees could go in at any minute, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was I saying something? | |
| Okay, keep going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you do like this, and you keep your leg elevated, and you just go down on one of the Bulgarian one-legged squat. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so it's like a lunge. | ||
| Kind of, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's less with your back leg. | |
| Okay. | ||
| How often are you in dance class? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two or three times a week. | |
| Good. | ||
| I want to dance. | ||
| Yeah, we know, man. | ||
| Well, when you should have a little bit of a muscle. | ||
| Yeah, you might be forced to. | ||
| Just use your legs and dance. | ||
| Yeah, and then you can get a hip replacement. | ||
| Right now, my shoulders are perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why do you wear gray shirts? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, it sweats always under your armpits. | ||
| Everybody knows that. | ||
| So why do you wear gray shirts all the time? | ||
| Lift your arms up. | ||
| I burn high. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| You run hot. | ||
| Well, you wear three layers. | ||
| Just wear a black hat, dude. | ||
| This guy. | ||
| Why am I sweating? | ||
| He's wearing three fucking layers. | ||
| And it's LA. | ||
| Because I run hot, Jack. | ||
| Look, one layer. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No sweat? | |
| Yeah, you look thick. | ||
| No underarm sweat. | ||
| You have a nice body. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| You have a nice body. | ||
| Very flexible. | ||
| Can do the splits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, dude. | |
| Chill, I get it. | ||
| Can you even... | ||
| I would imagine you must be mainly cardboard. | ||
| I mean, as far as how tight you are, right? | ||
| No, I'm tight, bro. | ||
| Oh, God, yeah. | ||
| Have you ever touched your toes? | ||
| No. | ||
| Bro, I'm way more flexible than you. | ||
| Oh, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Let's bring some realness into this. | ||
| Let's stop the humor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know we're being silly. | |
| I know. | ||
| But, dude, I'm way more flexible than you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you flexible? | |
| He's whispier. | ||
| You're wispier, right? | ||
| You're blowing up the wind, right? | ||
| So you're wishing. | ||
| Who could just stand there and flatten out better? | ||
| Me, 100%. | ||
| Put your body flat out. | ||
| And me to gain me. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| Bend down to touch the toes you're talking about? | ||
| Yeah, but like flatten yourself. | ||
| There's no way I could almost get to my elbows. | ||
| Grab your toes and bring your head to your knees. | ||
| You boys are good torch in this, man. | ||
| Put me in a box. | ||
| What? | ||
| Put me in a box. | ||
| Put you in a box. | ||
| Put me in a small box. | ||
| You could probably fit in a box, huh? | ||
| I would like to see both of you do this. | ||
| I would like to see one at a time. | ||
| Brian? | ||
| I can't right now because I pushed a sled. | ||
| I did some sled work. | ||
| You are as old as Santa. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| What happened when you do sled work that makes you strong? | ||
| I'm very sore right now. | ||
| Your hamstrings? | ||
| Yeah, everything's sore. | ||
| My butt. | ||
| You're pushing sleds? | ||
| I was pushing a sled. | ||
| You working with a strength and conditioning coach? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The answer is yes. | ||
| And nothing's growing, but I got to tell you, that gets you strong. | ||
| You're not growing? | ||
| You're not getting strong. | ||
| You're not eating enough. | ||
| You don't eat enough. | ||
| He dicks his food around. | ||
| Dude, eat it. | ||
| Don't say I can't eat it. | ||
| Dick that motherfucker. | ||
| Now, how are you eating? | ||
| Because he does it primarily in restaurants, and now there's no restaurants. | ||
| Today I had some butcher box filet mignon. | ||
| Snore. | ||
| It's French. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I had some arugula. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Snore. | |
| Now hold on. | ||
| Then I had some chicken with lettuce. | ||
| So my point is you have to cook. | ||
| Snore, snore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because you were, like, that must have been your number one complaint. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| You're closing restaurants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's exactly right. | |
| Well, you know what? | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| You know what the thing is? | ||
| You know what I miss is your great Instagram videos of you in a dimly litted restaurant when you're with Frank Frillo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, hey, we're just having a wine. | |
| Because that's what you're doing. | ||
| But that's the content that not only I want, everyone wants on Instagram. | ||
| When I think of Instagram, I think of the naked girls that are pretending to show their watch, but really they're showing their cleavage. | ||
| I'm thinking about the funny videos that all these young guys are doing. | ||
| And the third thing that comes to mind is you in a dimly lit fucking restaurant somewhere in Venice. | ||
| Oops, I'm still talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With Frank Grillo talking about how good the guy that wine is. | |
| And you also have a Navy SEAL with you. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Usually, probably. | ||
| Why is it always Frank Grillo? | ||
| He's your dining buddy? | ||
| That's my dining buddy. | ||
| He's a bachelor. | ||
| He's my neighbor. | ||
| So we have nothing to do. | ||
| So we're both COVID safe. | ||
| Sad guys. | ||
| I can't hang out with him. | ||
| I'm putting you off your COVID safe. | ||
| We take a risk. | ||
| You haven't been chanced. | ||
| He's too good looking to get COVID. | ||
| We're close. | ||
| We're close. | ||
| Grillo's a good-looking guy. | ||
| You want to be friends with him so badly. | ||
| Bro, let me tell you right now. | ||
| I'll tell you right now. | ||
| I'm cool. | ||
| Tell him to come here in 45 minutes. | ||
| You can get tested too. | ||
| That's a good call. | ||
| Look, I will. | ||
| I will. | ||
| I'm cool. | ||
| Text him. | ||
| And I'll tell you right now, I haven't done it. | ||
| I haven't even put my fucking shit out there yet. | ||
| If I want, I can be better friends with Grillo than you are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's and you know what? | |
| The crazy thing about it is? | ||
| He knows deep down. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He knows deep down. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| I'm just hoping these fucking restaurants like Felix stay open. | ||
| I'm worried. | ||
| I fucking crave that place. | ||
| They have takeout FelixLA.com. | ||
| You're too far. | ||
| But, dude. | ||
| I'll take a chance. | ||
| Oh, it's the best. | ||
| No, no, that would kill me. | ||
| I talked to Janet. | ||
| Yeah, how's she doing? | ||
| She had to lay off. | ||
| She had to furlough 700 employees. | ||
| This is a fucking disaster. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| 700. | ||
| And for someone like that who creates that much employment, she's got all these great restaurants. | ||
| It's a nightmare. | ||
| It's a nightmare, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| 700. | ||
| You ever been to that place, Felix, in Venice? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Fucking amazing. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Look, I generally don't eat pasta, but at that place I do. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| I ate there once when I was on that carnivore diet. | ||
| I did the whole month of January, and I ate with Brian. | ||
| And what is the dude's name that her friend? | ||
| Kyle. | ||
| And so we all. | ||
| I mean, I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Alex. | ||
| Alex. | ||
| Just pick up a name first and then say the real one. | ||
| Alex Engines. | ||
| It's not even close to fucking Kyle. | ||
| I had probably the best steak I've ever had in my life. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| But it's just like everything, the atmosphere, the foods. | ||
| It would be such a tragedy if that place went under. | ||
| Well, you know... | ||
| You never go out to dinner. | ||
| You go to Swingers only. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that close. | |
| They went under. | ||
| They cleaned up. | ||
| They went crazy. | ||
| That was my favorite diner, man. | ||
| It was a killer diner you'd go to. | ||
| 24 hours a day. | ||
| You can go there at 3 o'clock in the morning and get an amazing meal. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| That place was so good. | ||
| Joey Diaz called me so sad. | ||
| He goes, Joe Rogan, how many times you take me to fucking Swingers? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Do you know that this guy, let me tell you what his routine was forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| He would wake up because I would watch Chris and I go, let's go eat. | ||
| Come down to Venice. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| And he never went out ever, ever. | ||
| He never went out to dinner. | ||
| I was like, what's going on? | ||
| Never had a drink of alcohol. | ||
| So I was like, what do you do? | ||
| And he goes, well, I have a routine. | ||
| I said, what is it? | ||
| He goes, I usually sleep till 12. | ||
| And then I get up and I drink coffee. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then I get on Facebook. | ||
| And then I go to the supermarket, supermarket. | ||
| And then I get white bread, mustard, tomato. | ||
| I don't eat mustard. | ||
| You always say fried mustard. | ||
| White bread, mayonnaise, turkey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and cheese. | |
| And cheese. | ||
| And I eat that. | ||
| Then I hang around, have coffee again. | ||
| And then he goes, then I take a shower. | ||
| Then like I go back on Facebook. | ||
| Well, and then I write a joke maybe, and then I go do stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, every single day. | ||
| But you forgot to fucking level the room part. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You forgot to level the room part. | |
| But bro, that life was awesome. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| And I'm glad I did that. | ||
| And you're saying it like I would be insecure when I'm saying it. | ||
| And I didn't say it like that. | ||
| I did say those things, but I didn't say it like that. | ||
| You are a house cat. | ||
| You are as active as a house cat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that fair? | |
| This is bullshit. | ||
| You're a man cat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is bullshit. | |
| You stretch, you hang around. | ||
| Nobody can hang more than you doing nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, my shoulders go far. | |
| Stop. | ||
| Stop talking about my shoulders. | ||
| I have shoulders for my days. | ||
| My shoulders go on for days. | ||
| You want to know the future? | ||
| You ask Me listen, my shoulders, what you see are traps and a neck. | ||
| That's from sports, that's from combat sports, that's from being a wrestler, that's from coming into contact with objective reality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
COVID. | |
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Objective reality. | ||
| I don't say COVID. | ||
| It's obnoxious. | ||
| I say COVID. | ||
| I don't say Corona. | ||
| I say COVID because you live essentially in the Shire. | ||
| You're basically a manhobbit, aren't you? | ||
| Taller. | ||
| The Shire? | ||
| He's an innocent. | ||
| Chris is an innocent. | ||
| Hey, look, it's Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| What is that fucking mean? | ||
| Hey, look, it was Brian years ago. | ||
| You crushed you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look, it was Brian years ago, and now it's Brian. | |
| He's withering away away. | ||
| He's withering away. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| I weigh as much as you can. | ||
| You drink a lot of water? | ||
| Yeah, but give me some right now. | ||
| Hey, dude, be nice about it, man. | ||
| Get away before you get to it. | ||
| I should have coffee right now. | ||
| You're not a good host. | ||
| By the way, you have coffee all over the place. | ||
| You have people that work here. | ||
| Are these fucking... | ||
| No, those are wild boars' tusks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| From my buddy Adam Greentree. | ||
| Same guy who shot that thing. | ||
| He gave me those. | ||
| Have you ever slain a boar? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tough animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That Tahon ranch place. | ||
| I've hunted them a couple times out there. | ||
| They're interesting. | ||
| How's the meat? | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's weird, though, is we were walking down this trail and we heard them fighting in the bushes. | ||
| And if you didn't know any better, they had no idea we were there. | ||
| You would think they were demons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah, they were going to war with each other. | ||
| It sounded horrible. | ||
| Yeah, it's a horrible sound. | ||
| Don't worry, you'll never be out in the field with them. | ||
| They'll fuck you up, man. | ||
| Animals? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are they talking about? | |
| I could join in. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Wild pigs will fuck you up. | ||
| Yes, they will. | ||
| Yes, they will. | ||
| Yeah, so that's an old boar's tusks. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Watch Chris. | ||
| Chris. | ||
| Look, look at his, look at his eyes. | ||
| Nah, it's fine. | ||
| Look at his swim, man. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Have you ever been camping? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'll answer the question. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, dude. | |
| Nature. | ||
| Fuck it, man. | ||
| We got so. | ||
| But you drink black coffee. | ||
| You are rugged. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Hey, Joe's got a point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| I'm a rugged boy. | ||
| All right, watch this. | ||
| Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. | ||
| You guys, try to keep your eyes on my face. | ||
| No, that's fine. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| Keep your eyes aside. | ||
| No camping at all ever? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah, I went out in my buddy's backyard once, and we fucking went into the woods a little bit, and we stayed there. | |
| And then out of nowhere, this old lady was like, can you guys keep it down? | ||
| And we're like, who the fuck's that? | ||
| And to this day, I think it was a ghost. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't care. | |
| You know what you should do? | ||
| Actually, all bullshit aside. | ||
| We should go hunting. | ||
| You come. | ||
| You stay at the campfire. | ||
| You cook. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should be waiting for us when we come back. | ||
| We've prepared the meal. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So you be our guy. | ||
| And then you can shave down after we eat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not going to shave. | |
| Listen. | ||
| Let me finish. | ||
| After you shave down, you make us a meal. | ||
| And afterwards, we fuck you. | ||
| Dude, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That's so awesome. | ||
| Fucking wiggle. | ||
| Whoa, bro. | ||
| In the wild, nobody's looking. | ||
| But we all know. | ||
| They got fucking cameras out there, bro. | ||
| They probably do now. | ||
| This guy and I, we were in Missouri breaks. | ||
| It was such a trip. | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| He fucking dove into a cactus. | ||
| I pulled quills out of his ass and his thighs. | ||
| He pulled them out of my thighs. | ||
| I mean, we were doing weird shit. | ||
| We got so stir crazy at one point. | ||
| We were just looking at it. | ||
| It was so fun, though. | ||
| I take a shit and I'm eating that mountain food. | ||
| So it looked like mustard. | ||
| And this fucking guy took a picture of it and put a fucking stick with a flag in it. | ||
| He made a flag out of aluminum foil. | ||
| Like, literally, we were in our late 40s doing this. | ||
| Like a couple of morons. | ||
| Morons. | ||
| This was some good. | ||
| I've never laughed. | ||
| When you go hunting and you're miserable, you laugh so hard. | ||
| Well, you and I did. | ||
| We had a lot of fun. | ||
| That clip is so funny. | ||
| That was a different one. | ||
| That was Wisconsin. | ||
| That clip, that was also very funny, though. | ||
| That was at our friend Doug Duran's farm in Wisconsin, where, by the way, they don't even eat the meat there anymore because there's so many instances of, well, they test it of CWD. | ||
| They're terrified of that. | ||
| That's what I'm scared of more than any virus. | ||
| Those premium diseases, those are terrifying. | ||
| Your brain just wastes. | ||
| Yeah, you don't, the chronic wasting, it doesn't jump right now from deer to humans, but it could. | ||
| My uncle had that, and he basically, I'm sorry, Mad Cow. | ||
| He had spent a lot of time in Africa, and they don't know what happened, but his brain got holes in it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, and it was. | ||
| I call my uncle Frank, but in fact, he's my cousin. | ||
| Okay, because you're lying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He's just a different person. | ||
| I call my uncle Frank. | ||
| You call it one person Kyle. | ||
| Her name was fucking Alex. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I change it up. | ||
| That's not a good thing. | ||
| Man, it's a guy. | ||
| It's my mother's first cousin. | ||
| My mother's first cousin. | ||
| But they spent a lot of time in Africa, and he had holes in his brain. | ||
| What happened to him in there? | ||
| I watched the, it's a deterioration. | ||
| Well, you know, Justin Wren, the guy who owned Fight for the Forgotten, Belator Heavyweight? | ||
| Yeah, I do too. | ||
| He's got some sort of a parasite, and they don't even know what it is. | ||
| He spends so much time so deep in the Congo, he's actually catching parasites that they don't know. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| They don't know what they are. | ||
| That's where Ebola hangs out, too. | ||
| And all kinds of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that you? | ||
| That's my shiver. | ||
| And just spiders and shit that'll kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy shit. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Spiders in the Congo that operate in packs. | ||
| Have you ever seen them? | ||
| Yo, nothing would be scarier than that. | ||
| No, I have not seen them. | ||
| Spiders that. | ||
| See if you can find them. | ||
| Like on YouTube and shit, you can find them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Spiders in the Congo. | ||
| It's like a rat will run into this spider web and they'll all swarm it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's so scary. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| Fuck, they operate in packs. | ||
| Like crabs. | ||
| Yes, like packs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Did you just take his wallet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's not scary. | |
| I got too close to him. | ||
| Why does your wallet have a snake on it? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I'm venomous. | ||
| You know they're poisonous, too. | ||
| Where, where, where? | ||
| Meet the spiders that have formed armies, 50,000 streams. | ||
| I mean, forget it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| BBC Earth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The BBC Congo documentary is the one that I saw that has it. | ||
| The video is no longer available. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| I mean, sorry, that's incredible. | ||
| Dude, don't you speak French? | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| It just happens. | ||
| Is there a good French restaurant in LA that will be closed by the time this is over? | ||
| Let me think. | ||
| How many restaurants are you doing? | ||
| Yeah, this is going to be done. | ||
| Melise. | ||
| Melise is there. | ||
| It's in Santa Monica. | ||
| That's an amazing French. | ||
| How many restaurants are going to be left over When this is all said and done, well, a lot of restaurants got a moratorium on paying rent, okay? | ||
| They should all get that. | ||
| All those landlords should be like, hey, look, you got to realize what's happening here. | ||
| You want that future rent. | ||
| No one's going to come along and start a new restaurant on your spot. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| You could be out of business for fucking years. | ||
| The restaurant owners that I know have gotten that. | ||
| They've gotten a moratorium. | ||
| And the biggest question is, remember, the landlords then are responsible to the banks. | ||
| So once it starts rolling up to the banks, now we've got a real problem. | ||
| That's the issue. | ||
| What do you think about Trump's idea to bring it back? | ||
| A disaster supply. | ||
| Go play with the crayons over there. | ||
| Mountains are talking about food wasted as coronavirus scrambles supply chain. | ||
| I was watching the news this morning. | ||
| They were talking about a farmer who's like 70% of his crops are just going to trash because they can't do anything. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| They're trying to get some of it away to food banks and whatnot. | ||
| Eat it quick, guy. | ||
| Get out there and try to get it. | ||
| It's not helpful. | ||
| You're not being helpful. | ||
| It's not helpful. | ||
| You're not being helpful. | ||
| That's not a solution. | ||
| Dude, it's only 700 acres. | ||
| Get it done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey. | |
| Stop being a pussy farmer, dude. | ||
| You'd be a terrible president. | ||
| You'd be a terrible president. | ||
| You'd be the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| would be the best and everyone knows it. | ||
| You know, He doesn't pay attention to any of this stuff. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was talking about Pizzagate on my podcast the other day. | ||
| Man, those motherfuckers, when you talk about Pizzagate, people are like, do some fucking research. | ||
| Dude, it's so funny. | ||
| Oh, Shill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shill DeLia, huh? | |
| One of them said, he's hanging out with Callum too long. | ||
| He doesn't believe in the fucking. | ||
| I guess you're not even worried about 5G. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was one too. | |
| But, dude, it's so funny. | ||
| So I was making fun of it, and people get mad, dude. | ||
| And so I'm like, look, we don't know the real deal. | ||
| We don't know what's going on. | ||
| So it's like, what the fuck? | ||
| We don't know what's going on. | ||
| How are you going to find out what's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
On Google? | |
| Oh, you can find out on Google? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or he's not going to ask. | ||
| Ask China. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Ask China. | ||
| Hey, China, what's going on? | ||
| They're not going to tell you the truth. | ||
| No. | ||
| They get the fucking 22 million people die. | ||
| I don't think it's in China's interest to... | ||
| They're back open. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Yeah, there was a video of them today. | ||
| Yeah, the wet markets are back open. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Despite them saying that they're going to shut them down, Spike. | ||
| You know what they did do? | ||
| They took dogs off of the livestock list. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| But they still eat them. | ||
| What about bats? | ||
| Didn't corona come from a bat? | ||
| Well, they don't know, man. | ||
| They're saying it's likely, right? | ||
| They're saying it's likely that it came from a bat, but they're also saying it could have come from a lab where they were working on bats and accidentally escaped. | ||
| They haven't ruled that out anymore. | ||
| They ruled it out initially, but now they're realizing, like, well, they actually were working on coronavirus according to Daily Mail. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Did you find a legitimate version of that story? | ||
| That's not the education, right? | ||
| Not legit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Daily Mail, you wake up every morning and you drink a milkshake and you listen to Daily Mail. | |
| I don't drink a milkshake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| Is Grillo coming over? | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Find out if he's going to make it to get tested. | ||
| When? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| You didn't even look. | ||
| He said yes. | ||
| Oh, good. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| I'll tell Doctor. | ||
| But where is he? | ||
| Doctor. | ||
| Text me the address. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| We'll do that. | ||
| You guys talk amongst yourselves. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So anyway, Brian, what do you think is going to happen in your life now? | ||
| Well, besides the fact that I'm going to come up with a vaccine. | ||
| I'm sorry, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, what's up with your... | |
| It's on Amazon. | ||
| It's on Roku. | ||
| No, it's on Amazon. | ||
| Prime. | ||
| It's called Complicated Apes. | ||
| It's called Complicated Apes. | ||
| It's very highly rated Complicated Apes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you also have, honestly, you have the first Tinder special, right? | |
| You do? | ||
| Oh, no, no, your special is Redbox. | ||
| You can only get it on Redbox. | ||
| Now, careful. | ||
| Outside of a 7-Eleven. | ||
| And that's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, I'm happy that people are going to honestly get your stuff. | ||
| Is Roku bad? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| No, but he's being shitty right now. | ||
| No, I'm not being shitty. | ||
| You're being annoying and shitty. | ||
| Do you see Red Boxes or out there? | ||
| I'm on Amazon Prime. | ||
| Redbox. | ||
| And it's free. | ||
| Redbox Original. | ||
| Brian Callan. | ||
| I'm on Amazon Prime. | ||
| Shucking and Jiving. | ||
| And there's a new sheriff in town, and I'm about to, and I'm breathing down your neck. | ||
| Did you send me the address, Joe? | ||
| Dude, yes, I did. | ||
| Just say it loud. | ||
| Just say it loud on the air. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Whitney, one of her friends, went to Santa Barbara to quarantine, and a fucking bear is trying to get into the house. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| Look at this video. | ||
| They're trying to be safe quarantining, and there's a fucking bear trying to break it. | ||
| The bear is trying to get through the screen door to them. | ||
| The guy's yelling. | ||
| I give up at that point. | ||
| I just give up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Santa Barbara. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, because there's no one driving. | ||
| Well, you had a bobcat, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That was cracky. | ||
| So because no one's driving, there's less traffic. | ||
| Animals are like, hmm, what's going on? | ||
| And they start slowly creeping into cities. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Fucking bear. | ||
| A bear. | ||
| What happened with me was Stegosaurus. | ||
| Pretty big. | ||
| What? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Stegosaurus is pretty much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| A little one, but yeah, a little one. | ||
| Furry. | ||
| If your legs were in proportion with your torso, how tall would you be? | ||
| Tell me I don't have a teardrop right here above my knees. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| That really annoyed me when you said that on your Instagram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| Coyotes are roaming San Francisco's empty streets as the city's shelter-in-place order keeps people in their homes. | ||
| Yeah, there's coyotes all over San Francisco. | ||
| Odiffa had a button down on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, oh, they're starting to take our jobs. | |
| They just get smarter. | ||
| Coyote invested in stocks. | ||
| Well, there's a crazy video that someone sent me of a rat setting a trap, setting off a mouse trap with a stick. | ||
| No. | ||
| In New York, right? | ||
| Have you seen anything? | ||
| It has to be New York, right? | ||
| I don't know where it is, but it's crazy. | ||
| New York is having rat wars where the restaurants are no longer open, so they're not leaving garbage out. | ||
| So rats are going into other rats' territory and cannibalizing them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's rough right now, apparently. | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| Here comes the plague. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's happened? | ||
| What happened, bro? | ||
| Hey, you run out of fuel? | ||
| Look at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Run out of fuel. | |
| I literally just thought. | ||
| Chris just ran out of fuel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I literally just thought. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'm hungry. | ||
| I could see it. | ||
| I literally thought, I'm hungry. | ||
| When you do Rogan's podcast, you have to eat right before. | ||
| Well, because it's three hours. | ||
| I dragged it. | ||
| Because it's from Sunday's nutrition. | ||
| Last time I was on his podcast, he goes like this. | ||
| You're fading, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, why are you even at this point? | |
| Yeah, Mark used to get mad at me. | ||
| Why do you have this podcast so long? | ||
| Why is your podcast so long? | ||
| You should edit it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't find the video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
| People are watching. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| Somebody sent me this goddamn video. | ||
| I'm trying to find it. | ||
| I know it's in here. | ||
| His podcast is getting really popular. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's popular. | |
| It's really popular. | ||
| That's what you were saying. | ||
| I said his podcast. | ||
| Let me talk. | ||
| L did you just tell me his podcast is getting really popular? | ||
| What am I, a fucking idiot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you mean, dead popular? | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Dude, I'll smack you around. | ||
| You know whose podcast is popular. | ||
| I could bully you if I wanted, huh? | ||
| There it is. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Watch this rat. | ||
| Oh, dude, that's insane. | ||
| This motherfucker walked up to that thing with a stick. | ||
| Watch him set it. | ||
| He knows what's up. | ||
| That's genius. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is insane. | |
| He didn't even flinch. | ||
| He didn't even flinch when the trap set off because he knew it was coming. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I wonder if that thing is trained to do that. | ||
| Maybe it's just a smart rat. | ||
| Either way. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| You think it's trained to do that? | ||
| It might be in a lab. | ||
| I mean, they did get footage of it, so. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Guy, why are you guys going to ruin the party? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm just a realist. | ||
| And it's a good angle too. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Man, this is the realest shot well. | ||
| That's like one of those things where when one rat learns a maze on the other side of the world, rats on this side of the world learn the maze quicker. | ||
| You heard that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Collective consciousness. | ||
| Rupert Sheldrake called it morphic resonance. | ||
| That's what happened with my comedy because I started doing it and he this. | ||
| It's like, that's possible. | ||
| And then once you see what's possible, you fucking follow my because I wasn't even aware of it. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Isn't that your podcast name? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called Youclaw. | |
| Oh, congratulations, but it may as well. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Who's got your welcome? | ||
| Doesn't someone have one called You're Welcome? | ||
| You're welcome? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| What's Whitney's called? | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what was yours called? | |
| Mixed mental arts? | ||
| That's what we were trying to figure out. | ||
| Hey, dude. | ||
| Hey, dude. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| We did make fun of that. | ||
| No, but because you have to have a mixed mental artist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| You're welcome with Chale Sunnin. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I knew someone had it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that. | |
| Hey, this is Brian Cannon with the mixed mental arts. | ||
| You know what I like? | ||
| You know what podcast I love is Andy Stumps podcast. | ||
| He's fucking great. | ||
| Andy Stump's a brilliant guy. | ||
| He's a brilliant dude. | ||
| And he's so modest. | ||
| What's funny about him is you start talking to him and then somebody will be, his friends are there, and he goes, well, he was the youngest Navy SEAL, not anymore, but he was. | ||
| He started at 17. | ||
| He's got the longest sniper shot. | ||
| He's got all these things that Andy Stump that he'll never tell you about until somebody says that and you go, is that true? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| And he's fucking this. | ||
| I have long conversations. | ||
| If I want to get a take on something, that motherfucker is as smart as he is. | ||
| He's a real-time. | ||
| He's a really interesting guy. | ||
| And also a maniac who had the world record for flying squirrel suit. | ||
| He flew the furthest distance. | ||
| Red Bulls. | ||
| Like he gets in a squirrel suit. | ||
| He jumped out of a fucking airship. | ||
| Everything he does. | ||
| He's one of those guys. | ||
| Everything he does, he's outstanding. | ||
| SEAL TEAM 6 guy. | ||
| Not 6. | ||
| Dev Grew. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| All right, dude. | ||
| Cover your fucking ears. | ||
| Don't look at me. | ||
| You literally have headphones. | ||
| Don't look at me when I even say SEAL Team 6. | ||
| Produce estrogen and go make me a coffee right now. | ||
| You've talked to him in a way that's making him want to go camping. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to get the fuck away from you. | ||
| You're going to come. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Burn. | |
| You're going to fucking hot as burn. | ||
| No, you're going to carry my bags and carry my shit and cook for me and be my concubine. | ||
| Hey, remember how, remember in San Diego a long time ago when I did whoops. | ||
| Remember when I was in San Diego a long time ago and I opened for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I just have a simple question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You did a deer that got hit by a fucking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| But what I mean is what happened. | ||
| Okay, listen. | ||
| I'll grant that you are the Taylor Swift comedy. | ||
| And he was right. | ||
| You're not Led Zeppelin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you? | |
| But you're popular. | ||
| You're an old guy. | ||
| Why would you even bring up Led Zeppelin? | ||
| All due respect to Taylor Swift, who I like because I watched that. | ||
| When do you think someone was going to film specials again? | ||
| When is that going to happen? | ||
| I'm just so glad my disclosure came out. | ||
| You nailed it right now. | ||
| I nailed it luckily. | ||
| Like I was saying with Louis, Louis C.K. filmed his under the wire, like right there. | ||
| Because he filmed his in March. | ||
| He filmed it March, it was like March 6th or 7th, and he just put it out. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'm not optimistic. | ||
| Man, it doesn't look good, man. | ||
| Schaub has a date for the end of June in Spokane, Washington. | ||
| Oh, he's crazy. | ||
| And I said, that's very optimistic. | ||
| Oh, just a date? | ||
| Not that special yet. | ||
| One thing is that Washington State, they got hit early, so they might open up quicker. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| Isn't there a coordinated effort among governors to slowly open this whole thing up, right? | ||
| I don't know if they know what to do because no one's ever done it before. | ||
| So it's one of those things where what are we going to do? | ||
| We're going to watch one state do it and fuck up, and then we're going to go, okay, let's not do it the way North Dakota did it. | ||
| Let's try to do it the way Arizona did it. | ||
| And the bigger question is something like Disney World. | ||
| How do you open Disneyland Disney World? | ||
| How do you do that? | ||
| Watch. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| What if somebody catches COVID when they're there? | ||
| Mickey with a mask on. | ||
| Mickey with a mask. | ||
| Well, he always. | ||
| Do you sign? | ||
| Do you sign up? | ||
| Do you sign up? | ||
| Around his big ears? | ||
| He's going to be a new Disney character. | ||
| COVID Mickey. | ||
| He warned that California should prepare to enter a radically different realm where residents continue to wear masks and where they will be greeted at restaurants by waiters wearing masks and gloves with disposable menus in venues that have half as many tables. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| For the governors. | ||
| This is from Gavin Newsom, told reporters to check back with him in two weeks when he may be able to outline exact dates if California sees a flattening and then decline of coronavirus hospitalization rates. | ||
| He's dealing with the worst case scenario. | ||
| And I think that... | ||
| All of them are, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just think we're going to... | ||
| I think human beings adapt... | ||
| I think that's not going to be the case. | ||
| I think after a while, people are going to be like, fuck it. | ||
| Well, waiters with masks on. | ||
| It's going to be strange. | ||
| There's going to be a lot of opportunists that cause crime because a lot of people wearing masks. | ||
| Oh, fuck, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's going to be a very different world. | |
| I wear a Richard Nixon mask anyway. | ||
| That's the mask I used to say. | ||
| I just put a Richard Nixon mask. | ||
| Dead president. | ||
| It's like a point blank. | ||
| Point break? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Point break, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pastor Reginald Heroes. | ||
| Didn't they do a new version of that? | ||
| It didn't work. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Oh, I saw it. | ||
| How bad was it? | ||
| I love the original. | ||
| Dude, it's like everything that was special about. | ||
| It's the same thing with the Total Recall movie, and I love Colin Farrell. | ||
| I think he's great. | ||
| It's like they just took everything that was special about the fucking movie and they just made it a straight action movie. | ||
| They shouldn't do that anymore without any new movies. | ||
| Why do they redo movies? | ||
| Just make a new movie. | ||
| What is the best movie you've seen in a while in the past year? | ||
| Into the Spider-Verse. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| It's really great. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's an animated Spider-Man movie. | ||
| They won awards and shit, I think. | ||
| The animation's spectacular. | ||
| It's really fucking good. | ||
| The plot is great, it's a great movie. | ||
| I was a little skeptical. | ||
| I'm like, come on, a cartoon Spider-Man movie with a pig. | ||
| There's a pig in it. | ||
| It's a good thing. | ||
| You haven't heard of this? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Into the Spider-Man. | ||
| I usually wait for the book to come out. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| The book about the movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm a reader. | ||
| No, it's like, it's cartoonish, but it's not. | ||
| The animation is amazing. | ||
| It's like, it's really good, man. | ||
| I was blown away. | ||
| I'd heard it was good. | ||
| So I was like, oh, I heard it was good. | ||
| And we do movie night with my kids. | ||
| So we decided to sit down and watch, and it was fucking amazing. | ||
| It blew me away. | ||
| I watched A Quiet Place again. | ||
| That's a good fucking movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That movie's really good, but why didn't they just turn everything all up? | |
| Why did they just turn everything all up? | ||
| And then the aliens would have heard everything, and then everything would, they wouldn't have heard the people walking around. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| It was a great movie, but why didn't they do that? | ||
| Because the aliens would kill everything where there was sound. | ||
| How many aliens were there? | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| But there's going to be a second one coming out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By the way, movies. | ||
| Movies. | ||
| Movies. | ||
| They're fucked. | ||
| Like Patty's Wonder Woman 2. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That movie Blood Bloodshot, whatever with Vin Diesel that was going to bomb anyway. | |
| Now at least that has an excuse. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Because now they're going to be like, oh, yeah, it was the disease. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That's why they didn't want it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why they didn't want to see Vin Diesel in fucking anything other than Fast and the Furious. | |
| Oh, this is a Vin Diesel movie with no cars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, let's fucking line up. | |
| Dude, get the fuck out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I only want to see Vin Diesel sitting down going 100 miles away. | |
| He could be just standing there muscular with a gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he could be. | |
| Shit. | ||
| Dude, no fucking way. | ||
| Oh, yeah, Bob, because of COVID. | ||
| Oh, okay, cool. | ||
| He was in that one movie, though. | ||
| What is that movie where he could only see it? | ||
| He see in the dark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Pitch black. | ||
| Pitch black. | ||
| Pitch dark. | ||
| That was a good pitch dark. | ||
| That was cool. | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| There are no. | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| There are zero fucking movies, I think, going to be in production up until September. | ||
| Why don't they know? | ||
| How can they produce movies? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't they know what movies are going to bomb beforehand? | |
| It's so fucking obvious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cats was going to eat shit. | ||
| And you knew that. | ||
| And if you didn't know that, then don't fucking associate with me. | ||
| Dude, Hollywood is so dumb sometimes, man. | ||
| That fucking movie that came out called like Have Mercy or some shit with Michael B. Jordan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Do you remember that movie? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Because of course it was going to fucking bomb. | ||
| What was it about? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was like a lawyer or some shit. | |
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, you just know what movies are going to bomb. | |
| And Hollywood's like, no, let's pump some money into this one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, you know it's going to bomb. | |
| It's so fucking obvious. | ||
| They make mistakes for sure. | ||
| But it's like, dude, sure, make another Fast and Furious. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Make fucking, you know, Ben Helsing. | ||
| Okay, people can go see that. | ||
| But come on. | ||
| People have to take chances, though. | ||
| How about comparison? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a movie with Chris Evans. | |
| There's a movie where Chris Evans plays a trumpet player. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you made that? | |
| Oh, you made that happen? | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| Jamie Foxx played a homeless guy that was a brilliant musician. | ||
| It was an amazing movie. | ||
| Remember that movie? | ||
| What was that movie? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What was that movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but you can tell. | |
| Robert Downer Jr. and Jamie Foxx. | ||
| Did anybody go see it? | ||
| Yeah, it was a really popular movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But you can tell when somebody's going to go see a movie. | ||
| Jamie Foxx can almost see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Jamie Foxx. | |
| If you're going to put Chris Evans, a guy who looks like a guy any kid would draw, if you said, hey, kid, draw somebody. | ||
| They'd, by mistake, draw Chris Evans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're going to give him a trumpet and make the movie about that? | |
| Are you out of your fucking mind? | ||
| It's going to make $0. | ||
| And we knew that. | ||
| But maybe they did. | ||
| Whiplash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| They might have to do it. | ||
| They thought it would be whiplash. | ||
| But that's different because you get a kind of unknown guy playing a fucking, against a kind of unknown guy about a guy playing the drums. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Fucking shit. | ||
| Handsome. | ||
| This girl's excited. | ||
| They want that dick. | ||
| Can he play the trumpet? | ||
| I heard that he learned how to play the trumpet to do this movie. | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| And it was too hard and he gave up. | ||
| Yeah, that's, well, fuck yeah. | ||
| That's hard. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Is that really what this movie's about? | ||
| No knock on Chris Evans, by the way. | ||
| Handsome guy. | ||
| Yeah, handsome guy, good Captain America. | ||
| Good actor, but just nobody's going to see that movie. | ||
| That's obvious. | ||
| Yeah, don't play. | ||
| What's a trumpet player? | ||
| Throw a shield. | ||
| Is it available on iTunes? | ||
| Before we go. | ||
| What do you want to play, bro? | ||
| What do you want to play? | ||
| Your dream role. | ||
| All I want to do is action movies. | ||
| You do? | ||
| I've told you this. | ||
| Don't act like it's new. | ||
| Who are you going to play this shit to lifting weights to do action movies? | ||
| Who are you going to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This shit's in your Rolodex. | |
| Who the fuck are you going to play in this action? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't act like this shit isn't in your Rolodex. | |
| Don't stand up and jump. | ||
| I want to see who stretches better. | ||
| I have a fucking action movie coming out. | ||
| Dude, listen. | ||
| Who the fuck are you going to play in an action movie? | ||
| The guy at the computer, like, I think I broke into this movie. | ||
| No, dude, no, dude. | ||
| And that guy always says, I'm way ahead of you. | ||
| You got what he says. | ||
| Bro, are you going to play this guy? | ||
| Are you going to play the guy who's like, ooh, here they come? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Close the shutters. | ||
| Bro, come on. | ||
| Well, you're not going to play it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, hey, dude. | |
| Hey, check this out. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| You're playing the guy who does that. | ||
| I'm playing the guy who does that. | ||
| You're playing the guy who does that, dude. | ||
| But what are you doing about all this? | ||
| I'm doing also your whispers. | ||
| Nah, bro. | ||
| I'm in a fucking. | ||
| I got this action movie coming out, dude. | ||
| They'd have to shoot you from. | ||
| You got an action movie coming out? | ||
| Legitimately? | ||
| It's a Zoe Snyder movie. | ||
| So fucking annoying. | ||
| Zach Snyder movie. | ||
| He did like all the jobs. | ||
| Zeus Snyder? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He did a Dawn. | ||
| You know that movie, Dawn of the Dead? | ||
| You ever see that one? | ||
| It's the new one. | ||
| It's called Army of the Dead. | ||
| It's such a shit. | ||
| You're doing a zombie movie? | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| He was sending me pictures of him dressed like a soldier. | ||
| It annoyed the shit out of me. | ||
| Fucking dude. | ||
| Sounds like he did a good job. | ||
| I had to learn. | ||
| He's like a helicopter guy, too, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Give us a live. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Let's get in. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| You with the dude from the fuck's his name. | ||
| Batista. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| My God. | ||
| You look fantastic. | ||
| Thanks, dude. | ||
| No, they all look. | ||
| They're big, tough guys. | ||
| Is that Michael Jai White? | ||
| I'm the biggest guy there, except for Dave Batista, so go fuck yourself. | ||
| And I'll tell you also, you look at that and you buy it, bro. | ||
| And I know you're a bad guy. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| I'm buying it. | ||
| Those guys are all bigger than you. | ||
| None of those guys, except Dave Batista. | ||
| I like how you got the spicy, lesbian-looking Latino girl with the headband. | ||
| That's important. | ||
| And she probably swears a lot and says things like, suck my dick. | ||
| Does she say tough? | ||
| I don't remember at this point, maybe. | ||
| But I will tell you this, they got every fucking walk of person in that movie. | ||
| They got everywhere. | ||
| They have to. | ||
| Netflix, this shit is global. | ||
| They have Indian star. | ||
| They have a star that's big in China. | ||
| Is that Michael Jai White? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, that's Omari from Power. | |
| That show Power. | ||
| Strong guy. | ||
| Omari Hardwick. | ||
| Bautista's huge. | ||
| Batista's a Batista. | ||
| Batista is. | ||
| I heard he's a really nice guy. | ||
| the nicest dude. | ||
| The nicest fucking guy. | ||
| The nicest guy. | ||
| And a good guy, too. | ||
| Like just a straight up, honest guy. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's end on that. | ||
| We got to test Brian and make sure he doesn't have this thing. | ||
| That's a bushwhacker. | ||
| Fuck, I want this so badly in my car. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you going to do with it? | ||
| That'd be illegal. | ||
| That'd be illegal. | ||
| Well, if there's a zombie apocalypse, I'm fucking, I'm cleaning house. | ||
| You get behind me. | ||
| Get behind me, Chris. | ||
| And you hold on to my belt loop as I fucking just, I just cut our way to safety. | ||
| Do you want one of those things? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| What would you do with it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just like how to. | ||
| Go to Mike Jones Knife and Tool on Instagram. | ||
| He's the guy who makes it. | ||
| He also made me this knife. | ||
| He makes some nice stuff. | ||
| He does. | ||
| I like his knives. | ||
| Let me see that. | ||
| Brian, how many times did you watch my special so far? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| What? | ||
| I perform with you. | ||
| I know what you're going to do. | ||
| Nice domestic. | ||
| What's the deal with raccoons or whatever the fuck? | ||
| That's a good bit, actually. | ||
| Your special's out now on Netflix. | ||
| What's it called again? | ||
| No Pain. | ||
| No Pain. | ||
| Yours is not on Netflix. | ||
| Okay, I don't know. | ||
| Mine's on Netflix. | ||
| Mine's called No Pain. | ||
| No Pain. | ||
| This has been a good time, boys. | ||
| Really fun. | ||
| Let's see if... | ||
| Brian Speaker. | ||
| No thanks, Brian. | ||
| Come see me in 2021 when I can do stand-up again. | ||
| 2022. | ||
| According to Gavin, Gavin News. | ||
| We're going to have to move to Montana to do stand-up. | ||
| We can be free. | ||
| Goodbye, friends. | ||
| Thank you, friends, for tuning into the show, and thank you to our sponsors. | ||
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| PolicyGenius.com. | ||
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| That's my website. | ||
| Go to joerogan.com. | ||
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| You can make a fucking banging website with Squarespace. | ||
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|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Head to squarespace.com slash Joe for a free trial. | ||
| Then when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Joe and you will save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. | ||
| It really is that good. | ||
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|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Download the Cash App from the App Store or the Google Play Store today. | ||
| And when you do download the Cash App, make sure you use the promo code JoeRogan, all one word. | ||
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| Much love to you all. |
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