March 12, 2020 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:50:17
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Three, two, one... | ||
| Fortune! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| Good to see you. | ||
| You too. | ||
| This is exciting. | ||
| It's exciting for me too. | ||
| Our first date. | ||
| Do you have a special coming out or something? | ||
| It just came out like a month ago. | ||
| Oh, it's out already? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't even know. | |
| Well, there's a lot of specials coming out right now. | ||
| God damn, is this the craziest time ever for specials? | ||
| Yeah, it's like one after another after another. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| I can't remember ever in the history of comedy that there's been this many specials released. | ||
| No, and just killers every week. | ||
| Yeah, speaking special. | ||
| Pull up the video of Tom Segura's new special. | ||
| Netflix is a joke on Instagram, has a copy of it. | ||
| Oh, because he's doing English and Spanish, right? | ||
| Yeah, this one's just English, and he's going to do one in Spanish. | ||
| People don't know that Tom Segura is fluent in Espanol. | ||
| He had his mom on his podcast, and that was cool. | ||
| In Spanish! | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, it's funny because he looks so white. | ||
| He looks like a white bro. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Sometimes Mexicans will talk shit around him and he'll just look at them and then say something in Spanish and they're like, oh no. | ||
| Oh, that's the best. | ||
| To have that secret weapon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Especially in LA. There's a video of it. | |
| Does he have lipstick on? | ||
| That's what I was gonna say! | ||
| Thank you! | ||
| Play the video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love you, Tom. | |
| I love you, Tom. | ||
| Play the video. | ||
| They fucked him. | ||
| He let some lady put makeup. | ||
| I never let them put makeup on me. | ||
| Never. | ||
| And they always bring someone. | ||
| And this is why. | ||
| This is why. | ||
| They made him out. | ||
| And by the way, they color corrected it because it was way worse than that before. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He told me it was way worse than that. | ||
| I go, what the fuck, bro? | ||
| He's like, I know. | ||
| I go, dude, you can't let them do that to you. | ||
| It looks like he kissed Christina and then went out to do the show. | ||
| He looks like a clown. | ||
| He looks like a clown from the 1930s. | ||
| Like one of them black and white movies. | ||
| Like, look at that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They put lipstick on him. | ||
| They put lipstick on him and they put white makeup all over his face. | ||
| I had that happen once because you really can't tell when they're putting it on. | ||
| Someone made me look like the marionette doll with the big red rosy cheeks and I was hosting an award show and the whole speech is online. | ||
| It's so crazy because you let someone dictate what your image is going to be. | ||
| Someone that really has no business doing that. | ||
| They just do makeup and when someone does makeup they want to do makeup. | ||
| They want to do you. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| Preposterous. | ||
| He just needs to put some chapstick on. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Look, that's what he looks like. | ||
| This is what I always say. | ||
| I'm the only one in the UFC broadcast that doesn't put makeup on, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, we're talking to people that are getting their heads punched in. | ||
| Okay, literally, Ioana Jacek, who's the former strawweight champion, She had a fight with this woman, Zhang Weili, who is the strawweight champion from China. | ||
| It's crazy, epic, like one of the best fights in history. | ||
| At the end of it, Ioana's head was like a Frankenstein forehead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah, look at her forehead. | ||
| Now imagine me with makeup on standing next to her. | ||
| That would be ridiculous, right? | ||
| I refuse! | ||
| You're like, look at my foundation. | ||
| They're like, well, we're just gonna cut down the shine. | ||
| Who gives a fuck if I'm shiny? | ||
| Literally no one cares. | ||
| Yeah, she's got a double forehead now. | ||
| It's a double, triple forehead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everything's swollen. | |
| Is it back down? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She hasn't taken, and that's what she looks like normally. | ||
| Beautiful lady. | ||
| She's so tough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That lady is as tough as human beings can possibly be. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Because she like never even flinched. | ||
| Her fucking forehead's twice the size of normal. | ||
| She didn't even flinch. | ||
| She kept throwing bombs. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Epic. | ||
| How long did it go? | ||
| Five rounds. | ||
| Five rounds. | ||
| 25 whole minutes of chaos. | ||
| And it was even the whole fight. | ||
| The whole fight was like back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Are you guys super bummed out when people throw one punch and the person falls down and that's it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's exciting too. | ||
| Yeah, it's exciting. | ||
| The sport is crazy. | ||
| It can happen that way. | ||
| There was a recent fight where Donald Cerrone fought Conor McGregor. | ||
| In the clinch, Conor McGregor slammed his shoulder into Donald's nose and broke his nose. | ||
| So they came out of the clinch, like seconds into the fight, his nose is bleeding. | ||
| And then he got head kicked and he got pummeled and they stopped the fight in 40 seconds. | ||
| Oh my gosh! | ||
| Yeah, and everybody was bummed out because it was this huge pay-per-view event, this big deal, but that's part of what's crazy about this sport is that it's the fighting in either boxing, kickboxing, or MMA is the only sport where you can end it early. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like football goes the distance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're in for three and a half, four hours. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Baseball goes all the innings. | ||
| It's like that's just how it goes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But fighting can end in 10 seconds. | ||
| We've had fights that have ended, I think, Well, who's got the record now? | ||
| It was Dwayne Ludwig, but... | ||
| Masvidal took it, I think, right? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Masvidal took it. | ||
| It was like eight seconds, but it was like four or five. | ||
| It's not really. | ||
| I don't even think they gave it eight. | ||
| I think they said it's five, but I think it's three. | ||
| What do you do at the live event? | ||
| Everyone's just like, all right, time to go. | ||
| Well, there's 12 fights that night. | ||
| Oh, gotcha. | ||
| So that was just one fight out of many, many, many, many fights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I clearly know a lot about that. | |
| Have you ever watched one live? | ||
| Yeah, not live, but on TV. You should go. | ||
| I'll get you tickets. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| You'll go crazy. | ||
| It's pretty wild. | ||
| It looks so fun. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty fun. | ||
| No one's ever invited me, and I'm not proactive enough to be like, let me get some tickets. | ||
| Now you've been invited. | ||
| Bring your boy Tom Papa. | ||
| I will. | ||
| Yeah, he needs to go, too. | ||
| Bring his bread. | ||
| I wonder if he's been to one. | ||
| I don't think he has. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| We're like, hey guys, we're here to see a fight. | ||
| Has Tom ever been to one? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Maybe? | ||
| Jamie seems like maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe he showed up with Hannibal one time a long time ago, but I can't remember. | |
| Oh yeah, maybe. | ||
| Tom's always up for anything. | ||
| Hannibal goes a lot. | ||
| Hannibal's gone to a gang of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you do that morning show with Tom. | ||
| I do, yeah. | ||
| Do you enjoy it? | ||
| I love it, except for the 5.30 wake-up. | ||
| Yeah, that's horseshit. | ||
| Why do you guys have to do it that way? | ||
| Every comic that comes to the show is like, why are you waking up this early? | ||
| Because we're all doing spots so late, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, this is the new world. | ||
| You don't have to do that anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a whole idea of, like, it has to be on at 8 a.m., ready, go! | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's just how they set it up. | ||
| You know, 7 to 9 every morning, Monday through Thursday. | ||
| We're doing it for Netflix. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| They have a new SiriusXM channel. | ||
| That's very cool. | ||
| 93. They give you numbers? | ||
| They tell you how many people are listening? | ||
| They give you no information. | ||
| What the fuck, Netflix? | ||
| You have no idea. | ||
| We have no idea. | ||
| We only know that people are listening because they call in. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| That's the only way we know. | ||
| Just talking to mics, you hope there's an audience. | ||
| It's kind of fun, though, that way. | ||
| It would be kind of fun to do a show where no one could record it, and it just goes out live, and there's no recording it at all. | ||
| That's what radio used to be. | ||
| That was one of the fun things about the Howard Stern Show back in the day, because it was so crazy for radio. | ||
| But you were hearing this, and this is the only time you were ever going to hear it. | ||
| I remember when his show was on the E! Channel. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I was like, him and Anna Nicole Smith show. | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I forgot she had a show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rest in peace. | ||
| Poor Anna. | ||
| She was one of the first, like, I mean, if Instagram was around, she would have been one of the first Insta-hoes. | ||
| Like a reality celebrity. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Everyone was following her life and her lawyer. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Howard, his name's Howard. | ||
| J. Howard Marshall. | ||
| Stern? | ||
| Oh, no, no, different guy. | ||
| Yeah, I think it is Howard Stern. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, different Howard Stern. | ||
| So they had two Howard Stearns on the E channel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And that was post-divorce after her husband, well, not divorce, he died. | ||
| Oh, the old guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the best cash-in ever. | ||
| Her with him, it was the best cash-in ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like 95 years old in a wheelchair, and she was a fucking bombshell. | ||
| She's like, love of my life. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| Did she get money? | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| Because I know his kids were fighting. | ||
| Yeah, they were trying to keep the money from her. | ||
| But look, a deal's a deal. | ||
| That's always a bummer, though. | ||
| If you were the kid of that guy... | ||
| I had a whole bit about it. | ||
| They're like, oh, he doesn't know what's... | ||
| I go, he's a billionaire. | ||
| He's like 95 years old. | ||
| He made a billion dollars from scratch. | ||
| And my joke was, you know, like, don't you think he's a tad crafty? | ||
| I don't think he knows what's going on. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He doesn't have any time left. | ||
| But, like, two kids or however many kids he has, they don't need a billion dollars. | ||
| Look at the size of his ears. | ||
| That's one weird thing that happens to old people. | ||
| Their ears keep growing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm looking forward to having giant-ass ears. | ||
| Their face shrinks. | ||
| I think I'm going to get my ears reduced when I hit 150. Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 150. That's what my plan is. | ||
| My plan's about 150, 160. I'm going to die on the operating table, get my ears reduced. | ||
| I'm just trying to... | ||
| I'm just trying to make it to 50. 50? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| That's all you want out of this life? | ||
| No, I want more. | ||
| I want more. | ||
| Dude, this fucking shit. | ||
| Coronavirus. | ||
| We had a guy on yesterday talking about the coronavirus. | ||
| Oh man, I heard. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| I heard that he was in here. | ||
| It's nerve-wracking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not good. | ||
| Well, because, you know, you don't really know what's coming. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| There's a whole bunch of other diseases that we discussed, too, like chronic wasting disease. | ||
| There's a lot of shit that's on the table that could happen to people. | ||
| There's all these pandemics that are possible. | ||
| Well, aren't there, like, because certain things are melting, certain diseases that are sort of, like, being uncovered from... | ||
| That's a theory, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, there's a theory that the permafrost is going to release when it gets melted. | ||
| It's going to release some ancient bacteria that we don't have an immunity to. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| It's all possible. | ||
| It's good times right now. | ||
| There's something that happens with any time you have overpopulation. | ||
| And one of the things that happens is nature starts to try to course correct. | ||
| Nature's like, there's too many. | ||
| There's too many. | ||
| Let's do something. | ||
| And it happens with animals. | ||
| They get diseases and a bunch of them die off. | ||
| It happens with people as well. | ||
| It's not a coincidence that this disease came out of China, which is heavily overpopulated. | ||
| He was talking to us in depth about these wet markets that they have in China, where they have all these animals that they sell, and they're all just laying around. | ||
| He said there was chickens, and what was above the chickens? | ||
| Civets? | ||
| Chickens were over those. | ||
| They were like dropping their shit on them or something. | ||
| And it was civets below, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there was some weird combination with that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he was saying like with crossover diseases, that's like a test tube. | ||
| Like you're literally doing experiments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But he's like the perfect test tube, perfect environment for creating a new disease. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As we've seen, wasn't this started from bats? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Some people are eating bats over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro. | |
| I'm a sweet and sour chicken gal myself. | ||
| Sweet and sour chicken sounds good right now. | ||
| Sweet and sour bat. | ||
| Bats is what you eat when you're starving to death. | ||
| I mean, yeah, that's true. | ||
| Slim pickings in certain places. | ||
| Well, China, again, has a fucking billion people. | ||
| And when you see the stuff that they're eating over there, there was a salamander that they had that was like... | ||
| I mean, like the size of your thigh bone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was huge. | ||
| Enormous fucking salamander. | ||
| They're holding it down with a meat cleaver. | ||
| About to hack up this salamander. | ||
| They're like, it's all food. | ||
| Look at that bat. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| That's gnarly. | ||
| And they got the wing spread to let you know it's a good one. | ||
| That's a big bat. | ||
| That's a juicy bat. | ||
| A lot of meat there. | ||
| That's a lunch. | ||
| Do we have bats that big? | ||
| I don't believe we do. | ||
| I felt like they were always like, yay big. | ||
| In America, if we had bats that big, we'd whack them. | ||
| We'd be like, that's enough. | ||
| That's enough you, you fucks. | ||
| Back to the Stone Age. | ||
| I only saw bats when we had swim meets. | ||
| Look at those fucking things. | ||
| Look at the mouths on those things. | ||
| Open that up. | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| What the fuck is those little werewolves? | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| Bro, what are the mouths on those things? | ||
| Yeah, those like sharp teeth. | ||
| Those bats with the wings chopped off, baby. | ||
| No way! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| I guess I've never seen a bat up close. | ||
| Like no arm or something. | ||
| Whoa, dude, I think you're right. | ||
| Find out what that is. | ||
| I need to know. | ||
| Those are huge. | ||
| Clearly, they're popular because that's a lot of bats for sale. | ||
| I wonder if they're delicious. | ||
| Imagine if we're missing out. | ||
| Oh, those are bats. | ||
| Those are bats. | ||
| They are bats! | ||
| Oh god, that is what they look like. | ||
| What do they do with the wings? | ||
| Look at the fucking teeth on those monsters! | ||
| Imagine if they were like the size of a horse flying around. | ||
| A dragon. | ||
| Yeah, that is a dragon. | ||
| Look at the teeth on those fuckers. | ||
| It doesn't even look real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like how when they die their mouths are open like they're still trying to bite you. | ||
| Just to let you know. | ||
| You gotta be hungry as fuck. | ||
| Where is that? | ||
| I'm gonna haunt you. | ||
| Did you say that was in Indonesia? | ||
| Is that what it said? | ||
| Yeah, I just typed in bats in the wet market so we could see what it looked like. | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| My dog threw up in my car today, and I caught it in a coffee cup. | ||
| Oh, wow, that's impressive. | ||
| Well, he was sitting in the front seat, and sometimes he gets sick, especially when he just eats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I saw the... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They start moving, and I just put a coffee cup right where his mouth is while I was driving. | ||
| He filled the coffee cup up. | ||
| Yeah, I have a little dog who will just throw up out of nowhere. | ||
| Dogs throw up. | ||
| But they do give you warning, which is nice. | ||
| We always grab them and pull them off the couch. | ||
| Well, when you're driving, you know, the fortunate thing is he's sitting right next to me in the front seat. | ||
| Yeah, he's so cute. | ||
| He's adorable, isn't he? | ||
| That's a good dog. | ||
| He's a sweetie pie. | ||
| Gotta love that dog. | ||
| I've never had a golden retriever before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's my first one, but... | ||
| They're like the best dogs ever. | ||
| It's like a classic dog. | ||
| Yeah, they're so sweet. | ||
| Yeah, loyal. | ||
| They just want love. | ||
| That's all they want. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Just wants to hang out with you and give you kisses and go on walks and shit. | ||
| My dogs are like six and a half pounds. | ||
| What are they? | ||
| What do you have? | ||
| Well, one's a Pomeranian. | ||
| It's a little guy. | ||
| Oh, those are cute little dogs, but they're a little yappy. | ||
| They are, but we got one that is not yappy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're lucky. | ||
| We hit the jackpot. | ||
| And then the other one's a terrier chihuahua mix. | ||
| She's like eight pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| But they guard our house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're going to cause some damage. | |
| Well, they're good guards in that they let you know something's up. | ||
| Like if someone's out there, they're... | ||
| So you got a gun. | ||
| That's probably the best way. | ||
| I don't have a gun. | ||
| You don't have a gun? | ||
| No. | ||
| You want one? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I would want to learn how to use it first. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, because I don't want to just have one. | ||
| Would you be interested in that? | ||
| I've been to shooting ranges for sure. | ||
| I mean, I'm from North Carolina. | ||
| That's part of, you know. | ||
| Part of the culture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I went to, randomly, Luke Bryan's house and shot guns for the first time. | ||
| He's buddies with my buddy Cam Haynes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're real close. | ||
| I've never met him. | ||
| He's a cool dude. | ||
| I heard he's the best. | ||
| I went to a charity event they had at their house, and it's so nice. | ||
| But he had skeet shooting. | ||
| I didn't get to do that, but then they had some rifle shooting. | ||
| That's the way to live. | ||
| And then the long... | ||
| Rifle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The long thing. | ||
| You know, the long thingy. | ||
| The barrel part. | ||
| Here's what's crazy, though. | ||
| My partner, she acted like, oh, what's this? | ||
| It's a rifle? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| How do you use one of these? | ||
| And then there's a five target. | ||
| She goes, pow, pow, pow, pow. | ||
| Hits every single one of them. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| What? | ||
| She's sandbagging. | ||
| She's lying to you. | ||
| She's lying to me. | ||
| Yeah, that bitch has been practicing. | ||
| While you're at work, she's out there shooting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you see me on Dateline, you heard it here first. | |
| I'll let everybody know. | ||
| Yeah, thank you. | ||
| That bitch is sandbagging. | ||
| Man. | ||
| She's got a Punisher t-shirt hidden away in her closet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But, you know, I would want to learn the gun safety, how to use it better. | ||
| That's pretty straightforward, though. | ||
| I mean, they could teach you that in just a few minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As long as you're paying attention. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just, you know, make sure the safety's on. | ||
| Make sure there's nothing in the chamber. | ||
| Keep your finger off the trigger. | ||
| Don't ever point it at somebody, even when it's not loaded. | ||
| That's where, when you hear about people doing really stupid things, it's just, that's what it is. | ||
| It's just not respecting gun safety. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was that some Instagrammer or TikTok or some guy shot his fucking computer accidentally? | ||
| The guy on Twitch did it live on Twitch. | ||
| Oh jeez. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Moron. | |
| He thought it was unloaded and he pulled a trigger on his computer and fucking shot around through his computer. | ||
| It's like video taming him and then disappears. | ||
| Silly bitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My brother's in the military so he's... | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Let's watch this guy. | ||
| Try again? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did they remove it? | ||
| Sometimes when you hit that video to play on Twitter, it doesn't play the first time. | ||
| You mean when it's embedded in someone's... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, when it's embedded in someone's page. | ||
| Oh, yeah, no, it is taken down. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Oh, unavailable. | ||
| You cannot see this. | ||
| How are they going to take that down? | ||
| It's too real, man. | ||
| We don't want you to know that... | ||
| That happens. | ||
| He shot his Yeti cup. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Oh, he did. | ||
| He shot a bunch of things. | ||
| It was on his desk. | ||
| I was about to say. | ||
| It went right through his computer screen, I think. | ||
| It ricocheted? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What happens to someone like that? | ||
| They take their gun away? | ||
| They should. | ||
| It's against the law, I think, right? | ||
| To fire it off in your house? | ||
| You can get fined, I think. | ||
| Yeah, you can't get fined if you shoot an intruder. | ||
| If you shoot a person, you're alright. | ||
| Oh, that's okay. | ||
| If you shoot your computer, even if you shoot a person, like in Texas, you can kind of, you can shoot, I remember a story where a guy was repoing a guy's car. | ||
| A guy hadn't made payments on his truck, I believe. | ||
| And the repo guy was opening up the door, and you know, with the Slim Jim and getting into his car, and the guy reached out the window with a rifle and shot the guy in his driveway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dang. | |
| Yeah, and they didn't charge him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they said someone was breaking into your car, as far as you knew. | ||
| It's on your property. | ||
| But I mean, he killed this fucking repo guy. | ||
| But then you hear stories about people getting sued, like if they shoot somebody that was trying to break into their house. | ||
| That's in other states. | ||
| In other states, yeah, you can get sued. | ||
| I mean, which is crazy. | ||
| Somebody's breaking into your house, you're kind of, you know, backs against the wall. | ||
| Well, you're supposed to assume that they're not going to hurt you. | ||
| When they've already made the commitment to enter your home by force, they're already doing something insanely risky. | ||
| The idea that you're supposed to somehow or another warn them as much as you can. | ||
| I mean, I kind of get it. | ||
| What if it's a teenage kid that doesn't know any better and they're just stupid and they're with their friends and they think it's funny to rob someone's house? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's just, it's both ways, right? | ||
| It's horrible that people have guns and they can just shoot you and kill you. | ||
| But it's also horrible if you can't have a gun to protect yourself from someone who wants to kill you. | ||
| Both things are horrible. | ||
| If no one had guns, the world would be a way better place. | ||
| But then we'd be at the mercy of giant people. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| They would just run everything. | ||
| So it's the equalizer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, guys like the Mountain from the Game of Thrones, he would just be the king of the world. | |
| Everybody would have to shut the fuck up. | ||
| If there was no weapons... | ||
| What are we going to do? | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Before people figured out sticks and spears and rocks and stuff, the biggest humans just fucking ran shit. | ||
| And we just let them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then someone figured out a bow and arrow. | ||
| Like, that motherfucker, when he gets close, it's a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, if he's on the way, on the way to me, I'm gonna fucking whack him. | |
| And then I'm gonna start running shit. | ||
| I like bow and arrows. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| You shot that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not the gun. | ||
| The old school. | ||
| See, that's what a crossbow is. | ||
| It's a shitty gun. | ||
| It's not really a bow. | ||
| Like, people call it a bow. | ||
| Like, come on, that's not a bow. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's got a trigger. | ||
| You got a scope. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Yeah, Daryl Walking Dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That Walking Dead show's ridiculous. | ||
| He never runs out of... | ||
| Arrows. | ||
| Never runs out of arrows and he never gets a pass through. | ||
| It's been like 60 years he's been in the zombie apocalypse. | ||
| These zombies are so soft, you could walk up to them, stab them in the skull, and your knife will go through their skull. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| Try stabbing someone in the skull. | ||
| That shit's hard. | ||
| I have never. | ||
| It bounces off. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| You can go, just try it. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| You have to be really fucking strong, and you gotta hit a good spot. | ||
| You gotta hit a soft spot like a temple. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he just goes right through him with that stupid arrow, but then it never passes through. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Never goes right through. | ||
| Then he just grabs it. | ||
| Yeah, and he's ready to go again. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| Not only that, he doesn't even have broadheads on him. | ||
| He's got field tips. | ||
| Those tips on his arrow, they're like little tiny, they'll make a pencil hole. | ||
| What that is is for practice. | ||
| He's got practice tips on his fucking arrows. | ||
| He doesn't even have broadheads. | ||
| There's some holes in these plots. | ||
| A lot of holes. | ||
| That show I used to love. | ||
| I loved that show for the first few seasons. | ||
| It was a great show for the first two or three seasons. | ||
| I watched it up until Rick, the main guy, left. | ||
| Oh, I didn't get that far. | ||
| A little spoiler alert. | ||
| Yeah, when they killed Glenn, I was like, I'm done. | ||
| The day they killed Glenn. | ||
| That was a bummer. | ||
| That's the way they did it, too. | ||
| You guys got no respect for your main characters. | ||
| Smashing his head in. | ||
| And I saw the dude who played Glenn. | ||
| I saw him out somewhere. | ||
| I want to say it was out of UFC. He might have been out of UFC. In the crowd. | ||
| He was somewhere in the crowd. | ||
| But he looked depressed. | ||
| Like he was bummed out about his character getting killed that way? | ||
| I mean, can you imagine if you're on a show and you're one of the big players on the show? | ||
| I mean, he was one of the main guys and one of the more interesting guys and he's on the show for five six years or whatever it was and then one day they just Baseball bat you. | ||
| This new guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Baseball bats you. | ||
| So not only does this new guy on the show who's getting all the heat, but now he baseball bats you to death. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you're just out there in public and probably people are like mocking you on social media. | ||
| If you're not smart, you read that shit and you feel all bummed out. | ||
| And that was at the height of its success. | ||
| You're like, you're going to go out now? | ||
| I know. | ||
| You can't wait till Rick leaves? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, once Rick left, it's dead, right? | ||
| I mean, they've kept it going, but I haven't. | ||
| Who's on it now? | ||
| Is the chick with the sword still there? | ||
| She was, but she's leaving soon. | ||
| Then, like, what do you got? | ||
| Because his son's gone, too. | ||
| Rick's son, Carl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Carl. | |
| Carl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My buddy Josh McDermott's on there. | ||
| Yes, I know Josh real well. | ||
| He's Eugene. | ||
| Yeah, Josh was on the podcast like early on the show. | ||
| Like early. | ||
| And we're like, dude, I can't believe you're on the fucking Walking Dead. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I knew Josh from way back in the day. | ||
| Josh worked with me at the Tempe Improv. | ||
| He was doing an open mic contest. | ||
| I think on Thursday, on Wednesday or Thursday. | ||
| And then we went, we got in there early because we had to do radio back then. | ||
| And Josh was on stage. | ||
| He was really funny. | ||
| And I said, hey man, you want to work with us all week? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's like, fuck yeah. | ||
| And so he worked with us all week. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| Really good guy. | ||
| Funny dude. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people don't know he started. | ||
| I mean, that's his thing. | ||
| He was a stand-up comedian. | ||
| Well, is he still doing stand-up? | ||
| Not much. | ||
| Not much. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Yeah, because he has to be in Atlanta so much. | ||
| But he did like a play in New York. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Ew, there he is. | ||
| He could play Bill Hicks in a movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| If they ever do a Bill Hicks movie, especially with that haircut that they gave him. | ||
| He'd be good. | ||
| Oh, he'd be fucking perfect. | ||
| But he kind of went off the radar a little bit because, you know, the fans are so fanatical that it was just like a lot on Instagram and social media and it was too much and he just went off all that stuff. | ||
| Oh, did he really? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| That's not good once you're done, though. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I was like, you might need to come back on. | ||
| Once you start doing the fucking improv again, you're going to need that shit. | ||
| Unless he just decided he's going to be an actor now. | ||
| Yeah, he might, because he really loves the acting. | ||
| But I remember he couldn't tell anybody that he had gotten the show. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that, too. | ||
| And suddenly he had a mullet. | ||
| And we're like... | ||
| I mean, not that I'm one to criticize someone's hair, but I'm like, dude, what are you doing? | ||
| This is before Theo made the mullet cool. | ||
| He kind of did, but not really. | ||
| It's really just a punchline. | ||
| He owns it, though. | ||
| He owns it. | ||
| He lives it. | ||
| He is it. | ||
| He embodies it. | ||
| With Josh's mullet, isn't it... | ||
| The hair is like glued on though, right? | ||
| It's like some crazy wig thing. | ||
| They might put some pieces, but he grew it out and dyed it dark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then I was at a wedding with him when the announcement came out. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at that sexy bitch. | ||
| I think that's his hair. | ||
| I don't know about the top part. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think they glue a lot in there. | ||
| They might. | ||
| Looks good, though. | ||
| Give them some extensions. | ||
| He can rock that shit. | ||
| Look at the upper left-hand corner. | ||
| That one where your cursor's at? | ||
| That looks good. | ||
| That's like a hot dude from the 80s. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like a dude who just pulls up in a Trans Am. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You're like, that's who I want to be with. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| One of those gold chains. | ||
| Heather, what are they called? | ||
| What's those flat gold chains called? | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| I want to say like Heather Cut or something like that. | ||
| I think my dad had one. | ||
| Of course he did. | ||
| He was going through a midlife crisis. | ||
| Got himself a gold chain. | ||
| A gold chain. | ||
| Anytime a guy would show up with a gold chain, you're like, what are you up to? | ||
| Some dudes can pull it off. | ||
| Black guys can pull it off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something about white dudes with more than one gold chain that's really atrocious. | ||
| I'll tell you who couldn't pull it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| My dad. | ||
| My mom's just like, get out of here! | ||
| It's like when guys out of nowhere start wearing a bunch of rings. | ||
| Like skull rings, those big pewter or silver rings. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| Either you used to do that, and you don't anymore, or you just don't. | ||
| Yeah, you can't just start it. | ||
| Or a thumb ring out of nowhere. | ||
| You're like, what's going on with you? | ||
| Yeah, when I first met Bourdain, he had a thumb ring. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And I'm like, what are you doing, man? | ||
| What's up with that thumb ring? | ||
| And he's like, I'm too old for this thing, and he abandoned it. | ||
| He abandoned it after a while. | ||
| Maybe you thought it would catch on. | ||
| Like, oh, if I wear a thumb ring. | ||
| I think it was kind of cool for a little bit, you know? | ||
| You don't see a much... | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't see a thumb ring. | ||
| It is weird that we decide. | ||
| Like, this finger's fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This finger's fine. | ||
| This is an acceptable ring finger. | ||
| Yeah, but the thumb is like, what are you doing, stupid? | ||
| No. | ||
| Or a pinky ring, like, what are you in the mafia? | ||
| Bro, what are you in the mafia? | ||
| Joey Diaz has an American Indian pinky ring that he wears, and you know why he wears it? | ||
| Because he can't get it off. | ||
| He put it on, and he gained weight, and it's stuck forever. | ||
| That sounds about right. | ||
| He's like, what am I gonna do? | ||
| What the fuck am I gonna do, cocksucker? | ||
| I'm sure it'll come off. | ||
| I'm just joking. | ||
| But I always wonder if that's what it is. | ||
| Because I always see him with that fucking ring on. | ||
| Now that everybody's having to wash their hands, maybe it'll slip off. | ||
| It doesn't help. | ||
| It's not helping? | ||
| No, Michael Osterholm was saying it's not going to help you. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| No, it's airborne. | ||
| It's airborne. | ||
| It's in the air. | ||
| People breathing, coughing. | ||
| You're around people. | ||
| If you're close to people and they're breathing on you, you're going to get it. | ||
| If you touch things, you're going to get it too, though. | ||
| I mean, maybe it'll help a little bit if you wash your hands a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's, you know, crowded places is where it's gonna be an issue. | ||
| Pearl Jam apparently just canceled all their gigs. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| Up until late April. | ||
| And they were playing Madison motherfucking Square Garden. | ||
| They canceled that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They canceled some big gigs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I know my tour is starting and I'm like, really? | ||
| Everybody's tour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been on these text threads with all my friends and like, are you canceling any dates? | ||
| Like, what are you hearing? | ||
| I think everybody's kind of waiting. | ||
| Like, comic-wise, no one's canceled, I don't think. | ||
| Like, I haven't seen comics canceling, so maybe everybody's kind of waiting to see. | ||
| Because it's almost like a ripple effect. | ||
| Once one goes, you're like, oh, here goes another one, here goes another one. | ||
| Right, you feel like you have to. | ||
| Like, South by Southwest, kind of, I felt like, is going to have a ripple effect. | ||
| They're saying Coachella's going to be October? | ||
| Did you see Elon Musk's tweet on Coachella? | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| He said that they should postpone Coachella until it stops sucking. | ||
| I've actually tweeted back to him too. | ||
| Did you see their response? | ||
| No, pull it up. | ||
| Yeah, let me find the one. | ||
| I've never been to Coachella. | ||
| I've never been either. | ||
| I'm a grown ass man. | ||
| What am I going to do? | ||
| Have a bandana? | ||
| Because he was there with a car? | ||
| No, that's Jaden Smith flew a Model X over the crowd. | ||
| Wait, Will Smith's son plays at Coachella? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that makes Elon right. | ||
| That was a good idea. | ||
| Okay, fine. | ||
| That was a good idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha. | |
| Oh, that was good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha. | |
| He only liked that part. | ||
| People know that Elon Musk is reading his tweets. | ||
| How does he have time? | ||
| He has 16 different jobs. | ||
| He made all his money. | ||
| He's on Twitter all the time. | ||
| How is that possible, though? | ||
| He's been tweeting memes. | ||
| Right, but how is it possible? | ||
| Maybe he just hires people to do all the stuff now. | ||
| No, he's very hands-on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| When the Model 3 production was underway, he was telling me that he was working 16 hours a day. | ||
| Dang. | ||
| Yeah, he was in the factory 16 hours a day. | ||
| Maybe he gives himself a little bit of a break and then he goes on tweet storms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tweet, tweet. | |
| His tweets have cost him millions of dollars, and he's still tweeting. | ||
| He doesn't care. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| But that's how much money... | ||
| When you have a lot of money, you're just like, whatever. | ||
| Yeah, I'm just tweeting, bitch. | ||
| What you gonna do? | ||
| Yeah, when he wrote Tesla stock selling private at 420 or secured at 420, like as a joke. | ||
| He's got like weird 420 jokes, but he doesn't even smoke weed. | ||
| Like when he smoked weed on my podcast, he barely inhaled. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I don't think he really smokes weed, but he makes a lot of 420 jokes. | ||
| Maybe he smokes weed on the sneak tip and just didn't want it in front of everybody, so he just didn't want to be rude because I was offering, so he just took a little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, it is legal. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, it's legal, bro. | ||
| It is. | ||
| He's too smart. | ||
| It's uncomfortable. | ||
| Yeah, because I wouldn't know what to talk with him about. | ||
| Imagine talking to regular idiots. | ||
| Like when he's sitting down there talking like me. | ||
| I felt bad talking to me. | ||
| I felt bad he hadn't talked to me. | ||
| No, but you know a lot of stuff. | ||
| Oh, I know sometimes. | ||
| You're well read. | ||
| Yeah, I know a lot of dumb shit. | ||
| That's good though. | ||
| I have like a peripheral knowledge, a cursory understanding of many things. | ||
| It seems like you remember a lot of the things that you do read. | ||
| Yeah, that's where it's tricky. | ||
| That's where it appears that I'm intelligent. | ||
| I just have a good memory. | ||
| I just remember things. | ||
| Because I'll read things and it'll go, you know, I'll be like, oh yeah, I read that book. | ||
| I couldn't tell you what I read like a year later. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| That happens to me too, though. | ||
| I only have a memory for things that I think are interesting. | ||
| If I think something's interesting, I remember it. | ||
| But if my wife tells me some shit, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I forget it five minutes after she told me. | ||
| Did you hear that? | ||
| And she'll say it again, and I'll go, what are you talking about? | ||
| And she goes, I just talked to you about that. | ||
| I'm like, when? | ||
| She's like, five minutes ago. | ||
| I'm like, I blocked you out. | ||
| Yeah, I do that same thing. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| She's like, you never listen. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| No, I heard you. | ||
| Can you tell me what it was again? | ||
| I heard you. | ||
| I know, I heard you. | ||
| I heard you, bitch. | ||
| It works well for memorizing scripts, though, for the short-term memory. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can learn a script super quick. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Do the lines, and then it's gone forever. | ||
| Well, I feel like as stand-ups, we have to have a memory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, you're on stage for a fucking hour. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah, and the only reason I'm able to remember my set is because it's so much repetition. | ||
| Some people bring notes on stage, but I always find that to be a big distraction. | ||
| Like, I feel like, like, Bill Maher brings a fucking, like, a concert pianist's, like, one of those stands, you know, one of those things? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and he, like, looks at the notes and, like, passes over them. | ||
| Like, if you're in a choir, like, yeah, I gotcha. | ||
| Like, music stand. | ||
| A music stand, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like a podium. | ||
| I have brought notes on stage, and as soon as I start talking, I put it down and never look at it. | ||
| Because it feels odd to stop the rhythm, to be like, let me see what my notes are. | ||
| You're like, just go with it and see what happens. | ||
| Well, if you have new shit you're working on, then I understand it. | ||
| Then, like, I've seen guys go on stage and they have new shit. | ||
| But sometimes people go on stage with notes just to let you know they're working on new stuff. | ||
| It's almost like it lessens your expectations. | ||
| Like, this is all new. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| And then they'll do old jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just flat out tell them, I don't have a punchline to this. | |
| I'm going to make you go on this five-minute journey, and then it's going to peter out. | ||
| Does you feel like sometimes that's how you find the punchline? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did a show Saturday night. | ||
| I go, I don't have a punchline to this. | ||
| You guys have any suggestions? | ||
| And they legitimately, like, three dudes raised their hand. | ||
| Well, you could... | ||
| I was like, oh, you took me literally. | ||
| Okay, well, what do you got? | ||
| It was all garbage. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| I'm doing that show tonight at the store, Stand Up on the Spot. | ||
| Have you ever done that? | ||
| It's Jeremiah Watkins' show. | ||
| He's asked me, but... | ||
| You should do it. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| Well, it used to be called Thunder Pussy, which is a way better name. | ||
| And it actually is something that I used to do at the end of my shows. | ||
| At the end of my shows, I used to do a Q&A, and I stole that from Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Before I ever did comedy, I was like 19. I took my girlfriend to see Jerry Seinfeld at the Paradise in Boston. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And at the end of the show, he gets requests from the audience. | ||
| They raise their hand. | ||
| Paradise is a small theater. | ||
| I want to say... | ||
| Maybe 300, 400 people. | ||
| It was a fairly small place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was cool. | |
| It was an intimate place to see Jerry. | ||
| Did he know these questions were coming? | ||
| Like, did he say? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| They just were like, we want to find out. | ||
| Yeah, so he did like an hour of stand-up. | ||
| And then afterwards, he actually says, thank you very much, thank you very much. | ||
| And then he says, I'm going to take some questions from the crowd, you know, if you have any questions. | ||
| Okay, gotcha. | ||
| And then some guy says, how do you feel about the big dig? | ||
| Because there's this big thing going on in Boston when they were digging tunnels. | ||
| And he went on this whole impromptu, improvised rant on the big dig. | ||
| And then someone yelled out something about something. | ||
| Now, he did it for a while. | ||
| It's like, that is a great way to come up with material. | ||
| Particularly at the end of your show. | ||
| So I did that for a while. | ||
| But then it got to be too draggy. | ||
| Like, you never know when to end it. | ||
| So I do an hour of stand-up and then an hour of that nonsense. | ||
| And you see people yawning. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| I'm torturing these poor fucks. | ||
| Well, because sometimes in that you can find some real gold, and then other times it's just like no one cares. | ||
| Digging through shit, looking for diamonds. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Just another shovel of shit. | ||
| It's like getting crowd work. | ||
| You're like, where do you work? | ||
| And it's something lame. | ||
| You're like, and where do you work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just move on. | |
| How do you write, Fortune? | ||
| I write. | ||
| I go to the computer and write it all out. | ||
| That's what's up. | ||
| Knuckles. | ||
| Boom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you do that? | |
| Yes. | ||
| I cannot. | ||
| Some people are like, oh, I write on stage. | ||
| I'm like, no, no, no. | ||
| I'll find punchlines on stage, but I have to know where I'm going. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| But I was a journalist for seven years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Were you really? | |
| Yeah, I was an entertainment journalist. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| It was my day job while I was pursuing comedy at night. | ||
| How'd you get that gig? | ||
| Very random. | ||
| I was the student speaker at my college graduation, and this actress was a commencement speaker, and she hired me to come out to LA and be her assistant. | ||
| And her neighbor wrote for the LA Daily News, and she's like, I heard you're a good writer from your speech in college. | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| It seemed to go well. | ||
| She's like, do you want to write for me? | ||
| Cover events and stuff. | ||
| And it'll be in the LA Daily News. | ||
| I was like 23. I was like, yeah, sure. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| So I just became a journalist. | ||
| I had to just learn how to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So I was going to movie premieres or the Grammys, Oscars, Emmys. | ||
| I talked to celebrities on the phone and would write stories. | ||
| It wasn't like gossip. | ||
| It was more like... | ||
| What are you working on? | ||
| Tell me about the project. | ||
| What are you doing next? | ||
| What was it like working on so-and-so? | ||
| So I was getting to learn all this stuff about the business. | ||
| Were you trying to make them funny or were you just laying it out? | ||
| Just laying it out. | ||
| Laying out the interview and what they said. | ||
| And then that job led to a syndicated column. | ||
| So it became full-time for the next six years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So I wrote all day from like 9 to 6. And then I would do events at night. | ||
| And then I started doing comedy like two years into that. | ||
| Wow, so you would write all day and then do comedy at night. | ||
| So while you were writing, would you say, ooh, this could be funny, and then set it aside? | ||
| Yeah, well, I always was requesting to go to funny movies. | ||
| I knew I could interview comedians. | ||
| Sarah Silverman had a show on Comedy Central. | ||
| I was like, oh, can I go to set and interview all the comics? | ||
| So I was gathering knowledge that way. | ||
| Knowing that I love comedy, but I was never that person like, I do comedy, because I'm brand new in stand-up. | ||
| But it was more of just like, it taught me the skill of just getting to the story faster. | ||
| Like, what's the interesting part of this interview? | ||
| What's the interesting part of this story? | ||
| And getting to that helped me just be a better writer. | ||
| Yeah, that's a great skill to have when you're crafting bits. | ||
| Well, I never knew when I started stand-up that it would be so much writing. | ||
| Obviously, now that I'm a stand-up, I'm like, duh, you have to have material. | ||
| But going into it, you just don't realize the content that you need to create. | ||
| Well, there's a big mistake that many comics make where they do just write on stage. | ||
| And then they have these sort of rambling intros to a bit or a bit... | ||
| Maybe they have something there, but they don't sit down in front of a computer for hours and just try to pick it apart and try to find the best way to do it. | ||
| But if they did that, they would cut down on the process of creating that bit. | ||
| You can get to the end. | ||
| Some guys are just great at figuring out how to shorten things up and get to the point really quick, but some people are not. | ||
| And they get comfortable with kind of half-assing it. | ||
| And then they stick to that form through the entire bit. | ||
| And you'll see the bit and you're like, hey man, that bit would be so much better if you chopped out like half of the words. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| And I mean, I'm definitely more of a storyteller. | ||
| So that's why I like to sit down and write it because I'm not doing set up punchline, set up punchline. | ||
| I'm telling a story, but I'm trying to make it funny on the way there. | ||
| And so for me, I have to write because I have to see what it looks like because I'm like, oh, that sentence is really bland. | ||
| What like one word can I put in there that just you're like, oh, I see it now. | ||
| I see what that is. | ||
| Instead of just being like, you know, a ball, you know, you're finding something more unique about it. | ||
| I tell people there's four steps. | ||
| To creating material. | ||
| And you could just do one. | ||
| The one you could do is you could just do it on stage. | ||
| You could just fuck around on stage and you will come up with an act. | ||
| Or you can write in front of your computer or in front of a notebook and then you go on stage, you improvise on stage, and then you listen to your sets. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Those are the steps. | ||
| Those are all the steps. | ||
| So you can fuck off on the other three and just go on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're a good comic and you can figure out how to develop and act that way. | ||
| But I really think you're doing yourself a disservice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And comics come up with this bullshit like, oh, I write on stage. | ||
| I'm like, I do too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, I do too. | ||
| Yeah, you're finding stuff all the time. | ||
| I sit down and there's some of my best punchlines have come from sitting in front of the fucking computer. | ||
| Yeah, because you're pushing yourself too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You're like, this is not good. | ||
| I would stare at my computer for an hour until I find even if it's one sentence, that makes it better. | ||
| Oh yeah, and that's so valuable. | ||
| You could do a hundred sets and never change your bit. | ||
| But you could have one hour session in front of a computer where you're like, oh... | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Because if you're just alone with nothing else and no distractions, and you can look at the stuff, it just makes sense that with focus and time, you can create better. | ||
| It just makes sense, so you can look at it better. | ||
| Yeah, and that's what I was doing when I was prepping for this Netflix special. | ||
| I wrote it all out. | ||
| It was like, I don't know, 18 pages, something like that. | ||
| And then I was going on stage and working it out. | ||
| Taping it, listening to it, and then constantly moving this paragraph, moving this. | ||
| All of the work was done at the computer, moving it to where it needed to be. | ||
| Do you use a program or anything to move stuff around? | ||
| No, I just use Word. | ||
| Word's fun. | ||
| There's a program called Scrivener. | ||
| Have you ever heard of it? | ||
| I like it a lot because what I do is I'll put all of the subjects on the left column. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| And they're labeled. | ||
| And then when you click on each one, it'll be the whole bit. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| But I don't write in it. | ||
| I write in Word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Or I write in... | ||
| I used to write in something called Write Room. | ||
| But that was when I was writing on a Mac. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the problem is with the Macs, their laptop keyboards suck. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| You were saying there's something you discovered. | ||
| Thinkpads. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lenovo Thinkpads. | ||
| That one, yeah. | ||
| They're so much better. | ||
| I mean, you make way less errors. | ||
| First of all, they're curved. | ||
| The keys are curved, so your fingers fit into them. | ||
| And also, there's a lot of key travel. | ||
| There's like 1.7 millimeters to, I think their maximum one is 2.2 millimeters, and the minimum is 1.5. | ||
| 1.5 is probably as low as you really want to go. | ||
| Because anytime you get around 1, it's just not enough key travel. | ||
| In Apple, everything has to look beautiful. | ||
| Everything has to be designed. | ||
| It's all about the sleek design. | ||
| It's minimal stuff. | ||
| But it's horseshit. | ||
| Because you've made a tool that doesn't work as well. | ||
| It's flat keys. | ||
| They're not concave. | ||
| They have that beautiful C shape that Lenovo has. | ||
| So your fingers, you know which key you're hitting. | ||
| There's no errors. | ||
| You don't fuck up as much. | ||
| Yeah, I did the old school. | ||
| My mom made me take keyboarding in high school. | ||
| So I had to learn how to do those things. | ||
| So the keyboard is important. | ||
| Yeah, it's very important. | ||
| You should try a ThinkPad. | ||
| I'm telling you, there's shit. | ||
| Yeah, I will. | ||
| There's so much better. | ||
| And you get over the Windows thing. | ||
| Everybody's like, Windows sucks. | ||
| It doesn't suck anymore. | ||
| Windows 10 does not suck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| It doesn't fuck up. | ||
| It sucks when it has to update. | ||
| That shit takes a long time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But that happens on the Mac, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just have it updated at night or something. | ||
| But to type on it is a dream. | ||
| It's so much easier. | ||
| Well, especially if you're spending so much time riding on something like that. | ||
| If you're just surfing the net, it's like, eh, I see, whatever. | ||
| I have this ThinkPad X1 Carbon, and it fucking weighs nothing. | ||
| It weighs like a couple of pounds. | ||
| Which is nice to take. | ||
| On the road, I'm always like, my book bag is like, oh my gosh. | ||
| Well, Apple wants to make aluminum laptops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that old beast that I have over there. | ||
| I have an old 17-inch one. | ||
| It's heavy and then you have that big old power strip. | ||
| Yeah, but that I could fuck somebody up with that if they're trying to mug me. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| If you have a bag with a 17-inch laptop in, that's like a bomb. | ||
| That is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's actually the reason why I have that one because the key travel was different back then. | ||
| The key travel is actually pretty good on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the keys are a little curved. | ||
| But once they started trying to make them thinner and lighter, they fucked up. | ||
| That's what I have. | ||
| Because I have the air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's like my little fat fingers are like Kitty P. It's hard. | ||
| And it changed something recently where it's like I'm writing words and it's changing it for me. | ||
| Autocorrect? | ||
| Yeah, but to like... | ||
| The wrong ones? | ||
| Totally wrong words. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, oh, I think you meant this. | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, that's not... | ||
| Yeah, it's been weird. | ||
| There was some update that was weird lately. | ||
| In Microsoft Word? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| Unless I'm thinking about my phone. | ||
| It could be my phone. | ||
| It's the phone. | ||
| The phone does that with me. | ||
| It annoys the shit out of me. | ||
| It's like, I think you meant to say. | ||
| But it's like the craziest words that no one's ever going to use. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I mean, the classic. | ||
| Ducking. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Who's ducking? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How often does that happen? | ||
| At some point, they need to embrace that people are saying fucking. | ||
| Well, why don't they have, like, a way you can click on it and say, learn? | ||
| Like, maybe old people don't want you suggesting fucking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or, you know, hardcore Christians or something like that. | ||
| But if you're a person who says fuck all the time, you should be able to autocorrect to fuck. | ||
| Like, it says that. | ||
| Once you've used it enough, it should be like, all right, this is a standard word. | ||
| I wonder if Android does it the same way. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I wonder if Android corrects like that too. | ||
| My partner is an Android, but I've never asked. | ||
| Lesbians are so funny with partner. | ||
| Why don't you just say my girl? | ||
| My girl. | ||
| My woman. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Why is it partner? | ||
| Partner is always like, are you guys in business? | ||
| It seems respectful. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think because we couldn't get married. | ||
| I mean, we're not married. | ||
| We're engaged. | ||
| But I think because people couldn't get married for so long, it was like they couldn't say wife or husband. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So the word became partner. | ||
| It is weird, right? | ||
| Like, wife and husband and all these words. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just standard words that we just use over and over again. | ||
| My wife. | ||
| My girl. | ||
| It's like your girlfriend for a long time. | ||
| It's your fiance for a long time. | ||
| It's wife. | ||
| When did bae come along? | ||
| When did BAE? When did bae come along? | ||
| Seems like it's real recent. | ||
| Within like three or four years. | ||
| Couple of years ago? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These fucking kids on Instagram. | ||
| They probably came up with it. | ||
| My bae. | ||
| Twitter kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just a partner's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My partner. | |
| A friend of mine used it and he was talking about his wife. | ||
| He's like, my partner and I, your partner? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Your wife? | ||
| That lady that you're married to? | ||
| When did she become your fucking partner? | ||
| You guys going to business together? | ||
| Well, it's like people who are progressive, they try to use words that gay and lesbian people use. | ||
| The right words, yeah. | ||
| And they try to use it almost as like they're an ally. | ||
| Like we're all one. | ||
| Yeah, my partner and I are like, your partner? | ||
| Bitch, your wife? | ||
| That lady you're married to? | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| I find the word fiancé weird. | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| She is my fiancé. | ||
| We've been engaged for over two years, but it's weird to be like, this is my fiancé. | ||
| It almost seems more pretentious. | ||
| It is a little bit, right? | ||
| It's like, shit or get off the pot, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| How come you... | ||
|
unidentified
|
People are like, when are you getting married? | |
| I mean, we are getting married, but we are like, just neither of us are planners. | ||
| You should be able to say it the week before the wedding. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My fiance and I. The week before you could say it. | ||
| Other than that, stop saying it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if you come up with a better word for me, let me know. | ||
| One good thing about fiance is that it's gender neutral. | ||
| Right, it's boy, girl, it's everybody. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's just spelled differently, but no one really cares about that. | ||
| Whereas I read in some country they have a marriage contract that lasts a certain amount of time. | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| I was like, wow, that's interesting. | ||
| It was like a five-year contract with an ability to renew. | ||
| Oh, and so if it's not working out... | ||
| It just dissolves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a lease on a car. | ||
| You just get that piece of shit back. | ||
| That's not bad for some people. | ||
| That's great for some people. | ||
| Anna Nicole Smith's husband would have loved that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just take a lease and try it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'd save you a lot in the divorce fees and... | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| In a case like the Anna Nicole Smith situation, that kind of situation is weird when one person has the money and you can tell the other person is only with them for the money. | ||
| And they're trying to talk them into signing a contract and then they'll eventually leave them. | ||
| Like, I knew this lady. | ||
| She was really hot. | ||
| Her boyfriend was really not. | ||
| And we all knew what was coming. | ||
| And the guy had money. | ||
| And he wrote her into his... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| They got married. | ||
| Yeah, they got married. | ||
| And she took the house. | ||
| She took everything. | ||
| Oh, she left him? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We knew she was going to leave him. | ||
| How long did she stay in it? | ||
| She stayed in it a couple of years. | ||
| Just enough to get the chizzash. | ||
| Just enough. | ||
| That's brutal. | ||
| It was ugly for all involved. | ||
| Watching it on the outside, we're like, that poor bastard. | ||
| But you can't say anything to your friend? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Because then your friend's like, well, what's wrong with me? | ||
| Can't say a goddamn thing. | ||
| Why would she not want to be with me for me? | ||
| Well, I wasn't tight enough with him. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was just a casual friend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| But it was like the writing was on the wall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| The moment I saw the two, I was like, oh, he's got money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I see what's up. | ||
| And she was just... | ||
| She had hungry eyes. | ||
| That bitch was looking around. | ||
| Hungry eyes. | ||
| Yeah, she was looking around. | ||
| She was looking around for... | ||
| She's like, what you got in that wallet? | ||
| Yeah, she was looking around for other dick, too. | ||
| It was just one of those things. | ||
| They're always looking for the next. | ||
| But it is a possibility. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Being a prostitute's illegal, but being a gold digger's fine. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you should go to jail for being a gold digger. | ||
| And what's the difference, you know what I mean? | ||
| The line is not that far apart. | ||
| Very close. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, do you remember Donald Sterling, the guy who owned the Clippers, the other really hot girlfriend? | ||
| She recorded him saying some racist shit. | ||
| Oh, that's right, yeah. | ||
| That was a perfect example. | ||
| Like, that girl was clearly a gold digger. | ||
| He was disgusting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was disgusting, and she was hot. | ||
| And then he had to sell, right? | ||
| Yeah, they made him sell the team. | ||
| I had a whole bit about it because it's really funny. | ||
| What he said was, he goes, I don't care if you fuck these guys, just don't take pictures with them. | ||
| That's what he said? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, everybody, like, it was a virtue signaling opportunity for everybody to make sure that everyone knew that they were not racist and that they abhor racism. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is wonderful, right? | ||
| But what he said was pretty reasonable. | ||
| He said, I don't care if you fuck these guys, just don't take pictures with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like embarrassing him or something? | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| But it's his girlfriend. | ||
| So imagine if he said it the other way. | ||
| I don't care if you take pictures with them, just don't fuck them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That would be reasonable. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he's giving her a way better deal. | ||
| She's allowed to fuck them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's saying, I don't care if you fuck these guys. | ||
| He's like, take all the selfies you want. | ||
| Yeah, just don't take pictures. | ||
| Imagine if he said it the other way. | ||
| Everybody would be like, well, that's reasonable. | ||
| If he said, you know, just take pictures all day, but don't fuck them. | ||
| That would be like a standard thing that someone would ask of a spouse. | ||
| I mean, most spouses don't want you fucking other people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, most. | |
| Some of them do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what gets really weird, right? | ||
| The people that want you to fuck other people. | ||
| Like the open stuff. | ||
| They want you to take pictures. | ||
| Even worse, like cucks. | ||
| Like there's guys. | ||
| There's guys that want guys to fuck their girl. | ||
| Oh yeah, because there is like a masochist or something like that? | ||
| No, they're cuckolds. | ||
| That's what it's called. | ||
| Oh, that's the... | ||
| That's the real term. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know. | ||
| I just thought those were like pussies. | ||
| That is pussies. | ||
| But the origin of the term is cuckold. | ||
| And the origin of the term is like a man who knows his wife is fucking other guys. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| And either approves of it or likes the feeling of shame. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's some men that like the feeling of shame and humiliation. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| That is not me. | ||
| It takes all kinds to run this world. | ||
| I'd be crying like a bitch. | ||
| What? | ||
| But isn't it weird how it does take all types of people to run this world? | ||
| There's so many different kinds of people. | ||
| When it comes to sex stuff, people are all over the spectrum. | ||
| All over the spectrum. | ||
| Furries. | ||
| People like to dress up like mascots. | ||
| There's a lot of CEOs that like to hire dominatrix to tell them what to do and kick them in the balls. | ||
| It's the only person that will talk to them like that. | ||
| They like it. | ||
| They like women to spit on them and stuff and piss on them and just treat them like shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll tell you this, I don't want to be pissed on. | |
| I stepped on a sea urchin once. | ||
| Somebody said, I'll piss on your foot. | ||
| I was like, I'm going to just be in pain for the next two hours. | ||
| I don't think that works. | ||
| That's what they say, but I don't know. | ||
| I stepped on one, too. | ||
| They just poured vinegar on it. | ||
| I'm like, you don't have an ointment? | ||
| Why do you have to go straight to pissing on my foot? | ||
| Not much they can do. | ||
| I just pulled the things out. | ||
| I had to pull them out. | ||
| We were snorkeling, and then we got near this reef, and I wanted to put my feet down, catch a little break, and I just went right onto a sea urchin. | ||
| Well, I attempted to surf in Hawaii, and I couldn't even get my board past the break, and so it kept pumping. | ||
| Pushing me back in. | ||
| And I got so tired of just like, I had no upper body strength. | ||
| So I just, I was like, fuck it. | ||
| I stood up and immediately like stood on the sea urchin. | ||
| Yeah, those fuckers are rough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't want to get eaten because they're delicious. | ||
| Have you ever had sea urchin sushi? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Oh, so good. | ||
| It looks like an orange tongue. | ||
| Oh, that's that orange. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never had it because it looks weird. | ||
| It does look weird, but it's quite delicious. | ||
| And the texture is not? | ||
| It's a little mushy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But the texture doesn't bother me. | ||
| Texture bothers me. | ||
| I can't eat certain foods. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Like strawberries. | ||
| I know, it's so weird. | ||
| That's a crazy one. | ||
| The little seeds. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| The pokey-outy seeds? | ||
| I hate them. | ||
| Like the feeling of like... | ||
| What about kiwis? | ||
| You okay with that? | ||
| Be the same. | ||
| Because it's mushy and seeds. | ||
| Oh, you're a weirdo. | ||
| I'm a weirdo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you definitely are. | |
| I think I'm just coming up with excuses not to eat fruit. | ||
| Like mentally, I'm telling myself this. | ||
| Keep away from seeds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you okay with oranges? | ||
| I like oranges, yeah. | ||
| What about when you find a seed? | ||
| Do you get mad? | ||
| It's different because it's not like that hard... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Something about the hard, crunchy thing I don't like. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Same with like... | ||
| Raspberries, those kind of seeds. | ||
| Raspberry seeds are a little odd. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're a little odd. | ||
| But I love the flavor of strawberries. | ||
| So what do you do about it? | ||
| Do you make someone peel your strawberries? | ||
| That's what you do when you become a super baller. | ||
| You're flying around in private jets, get your toes done. | ||
| Just have someone peel your strawberries. | ||
| They're like, why? | ||
| Because I said so! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it, bitch. | |
| Peel the strawberries. | ||
| You don't have any texture thing? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, good. | ||
| I don't have any problems with Dexter. | ||
| Yeah, I get it though. | ||
| I eat a lot of crazy shit though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't have any problems with... | ||
| You're a very healthy guy. | ||
| I'm pretty healthy. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Do you have any aspirations to be healthy? | ||
| Do you want to one day? | ||
| I mean, I've been trying to be better. | ||
| I lost 40 pounds. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I mean, it's more like 32 now. | ||
| That's good enough. | ||
| But, you know, it's a start. | ||
| It is a good start. | ||
| It always fluctuates. | ||
| But I think once I got with my fiancée, she's very skinny. | ||
| Your partner? | ||
| Yeah, my partner. | ||
| She's very skinny and she comes from a healthy family. | ||
| And did she ever, like, bitch, you're crushing me? | ||
| Well, she was just... | ||
| Yeah, pretty much. | ||
| She just was like, you know, we were like in love and it was new. | ||
| We were eating like 10 course meals all the time. | ||
| You know, you're just like, then you're just like... | ||
| Living the high life together. | ||
| Watching Netflix. | ||
| Do you drink? | ||
| Yeah, I drink. | ||
| So you're drinking wine? | ||
| Yeah, drinking wine. | ||
| Old fashioned is my drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good times. | |
| Getting a little lit with the one you love. | ||
| But we both just like, we got engaged and saw our engagement photos and we were like, oh shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bullshit! | |
| Like, there's no joy in looking at our engagement photos. | ||
| We're both, like, horrified. | ||
| So, it, like, was the catalyst. | ||
| We did that Whole30 thing, you know what that is? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It's, like, for 30 days, it's an elimination diet. | ||
| It's, like, no sugar, no dairy, no gluten, soy, all that stuff, no alcohol. | ||
| And it really, like, made me, for the first time, start reading labels. | ||
| I started realizing, like, what all the... | ||
| Chemicals are in foods and it's basically eating whole foods like meat and vegetables basically for a month. | ||
| And how'd it go? | ||
| I lost 20 pounds the first round. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Kept it off and then did another round like six months later lost another like 18-20 and I kept it off for a while and it's like over the holidays like Seven pounds or so creep back in. | ||
| Yeah, the holiday creep. | ||
| Yeah, but at least I'm like, we're trying to go hiking together. | ||
| Because I just come from a family. | ||
| I come from North Carolina. | ||
| We love fried food. | ||
| My family's, we're big folks. | ||
| And I just never really learned that nutrition thing, you know? | ||
| We didn't have a lot of money. | ||
| And when you're poor, all the, you know, the worst foods for you are like a dollar. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that amazing that poor people are fat in this country? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is the only time in history where poor people are overweight. | ||
| In the past, I mean, look at photos from the 1920s when people were poor. | ||
| They had sunken cheekbones. | ||
| They're trying not to starve to death. | ||
| They just needed food. | ||
| Yeah, so, you know, it's like when you don't have a lot of money, you do tend to go to, like, the fast food places, the food that's not good for you. | ||
| So I'm almost, like, having to retrain myself and my brain as an adult. | ||
| And it seems, like, backwards. | ||
| You can eat pretty good. | ||
| At fast food if you're smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if you can get like three egg McMuffins and just take away the bread and just eat the ham and the egg. | ||
| And that is actually good. | ||
| It's not bad? | ||
| It's actually good for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's a bullshit egg. | ||
| It's really the yellow of the yolk looks like your legal pad. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I mean, yellow. | ||
| Like I buy these organic eggs. | ||
| I used to have chickens, but the coyotes killed them all. | ||
| Oh, that's a bummer. | ||
| Those cunts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cunty coyotes. | ||
| My brother has chickens and the same thing. | ||
| My yolks used to look like orange. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I would get them from the chickens that I raised because I'd let them roam around, but that's also how they got whacked. | ||
| Gotcha. | ||
| We lost a bunch of them that way and then we lost more of them because they broke into the chicken coop and killed them all. | ||
| But... | ||
| I buy them now from this organic company that lets their chickens free range and their dark, dark, healthy yolks. | ||
| You don't get that from McDonald's, unfortunately. | ||
| No. | ||
| But you still get eggs, which are good for you, and ham, which is not bad for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can eat pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, I think where I get messed up is the road. | ||
| The road's hard for me to, like, really maintain that. | ||
| I need structure. | ||
| I need, like, oh, you know, every day, we're gonna hike, we're gonna do this, we're gonna eat at home. | ||
| As soon as I start on the road, it's like... | ||
| Oh, we're, you know, well, we gotta taste this delicacy from, I don't know, Detroit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, actually, after shows is a real problem for everybody because you're tired. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you're tired, you make the worst food choices. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| You're like, fucking feed me. | ||
| Cake. | ||
| Give me cake. | ||
| Cake for breakfast. | ||
| Yeah, you want fries. | ||
| Poutine. | ||
| You ever been to Montreal and have poutine? | ||
| It's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That shit's good. | |
| It's really good. | ||
| That shit with the gravy. | ||
| Montreal has some good food. | ||
| They have some good food. | ||
| There's one of my favorite restaurants ever is in Montreal. | ||
| It's called Joe Beef. | ||
| I've heard. | ||
| I've never been, but all the comics love that place. | ||
| God damn, it's good. | ||
| And the guys, Fred and David, have been in here before. | ||
| They've been on the podcast before. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| I was introduced to them by Bourdain. | ||
| It's a good steakhouse, right? | ||
| They have everything. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's a French restaurant. | ||
| Oh, gotcha. | ||
| Spectacular food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the first time I ever ate horse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof! | |
| I had horse in Switzerland by accident. | ||
| By accident? | ||
| It was bovine. | ||
| It was gnarly. | ||
| What did you think it was? | ||
| Again, that texture, man. | ||
| It tasted like a raw hamburger patty. | ||
| Oh, well, it was probably tartare. | ||
| It was probably horse tartare. | ||
| Yeah, but I didn't order that. | ||
| I ordered a hamburger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So you thought you were getting a hamburger and they gave you raw horse meat? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, listen bitch, I'll tell you what to eat. | |
| You're going to need some horse. | ||
| I bit down in it and I was like... | ||
| Like my dog in the car. | ||
| It is interesting what we choose to eat and what we choose not to eat. | ||
| I went down a homesteading rabbit hole last night. | ||
| For whatever reason, you know, sometimes I go on these YouTube rabbit holes and last night I spent an hour watching videos of people who raise all of their own food in the homestead. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And this one guy was talking about rabbits, and he raises rabbits, and he has these rabbits in hutches, and then they keep them and eat them. | ||
| And he was like, two rabbits will give you 600 pounds of meat a year. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Two rabbits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they fuck so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And they make so many rabbit babies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they keep doing it. | ||
| And then you mix them up and make them fuck them. | ||
| And they all fuck each other and they make more rabbits. | ||
| And then you keep feeding those rabbits. | ||
| And the other thing that he was saying was the rabbit poop is like the best fertilizer on earth. | ||
| It's amazing fertilizer. | ||
| And you scatter the rabbit poop and also the birds... | ||
| Will actively peck at the rabbit poop and they will turn the rabbit poop. | ||
| They actually turn the soil for you. | ||
| They fold it into the soil for you. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| These people living off the land, right? | ||
| Yeah, well this guy was living off the land. | ||
| He seemed a little odd. | ||
| Usually... | ||
| They always are. | ||
| They're a little... | ||
| When they're off the grid. | ||
| He was homeschooling his children, you know, the whole deal. | ||
| Like, Jesus is coming back, and when he does, we're gonna give him rabbit meat. | ||
| Everybody's got a bunker. | ||
| Jesus is coming back. | ||
| Don't listen to those people at school. | ||
| They don't know shit. | ||
| I know those little kids, they try to intertwine with other kids at some point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So hard. | |
| And you're just like, aw. | ||
| Poor kids. | ||
| You were homeschooled, right? | ||
| That's a rough spot for kids if they've been homeschooled and then one day they get out in the real world. | ||
| Well, you just need to socialize them. | ||
| I mean, listen, if you want to homeschool, good for you. | ||
| I understand some people, you know, you could end up getting a much better education if you're a good homeschool teacher, but socialize your kids. | ||
| That will help them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hard. | |
| I knew this one kid that was socialized and his dad used to take him to jiu-jitsu and he was pretty talented, like pretty talented jiu-jitsu kid. | ||
| But he was just so socially awkward for someone his age. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whereas other kids, I want to say like 16, 17 at the time, other 16, 17-year-old kids who would come to class, they'd be like kids. | ||
| They'd be having a good time, trying to learn, like, wow, this is cool. | ||
| But they were used to being around people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This kid was like, oh, the wild world. | ||
| We're out here in the world in his jiu-jitsu class and he seemed like a little shell-shocked to be around large groups of people, whereas kids that go to school, you're used to being around large groups of people. | ||
| There's a very valuable socializing aspect to school. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I mean, most people don't even learn anything in college. | ||
| They just learn how to be a cool person to hang out with. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, they learn some weird stuff. | ||
| Not everybody. | ||
| Well, they do learn, but some people also learn how to push buttons. | ||
| They learn how to get people to like you. | ||
| They learn how to get people to think you're virtuous and how to be for the right causes and how to shame people that are for the wrong causes and how to try to... | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that going on in college, too. | ||
| But that's also part of being a young person, right? | ||
| You're young, you have these ideals, and you're trying to enforce them on other people. | ||
| Or you think you know more than everybody else. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| It's adorable to watch. | ||
| When I go to college shows now, I'm like, oh, you guys are so young. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| You still do college shows? | ||
| Like, here and there, it's Once in a Blue Moon. | ||
| They're hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because, you know, those kids just, like, they don't know how to take things, like, they don't get the joke sometimes, you know what I mean? | ||
| They don't know how to joke around. | ||
| Everything's so serious. | ||
| Yeah, very literal. | ||
| Where you're like, hey, I was being sarcastic, you know? | ||
| You're not allowed to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You shouldn't do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like 80% people. | ||
| They're not 100% people. | ||
| I've been schooled sometimes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You shouldn't say that. | ||
| Like, ah, come on. | ||
| The kids in the crowd tell you or afterwards? | ||
| It was a while ago, but, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're just like, all right. | ||
| I'm not getting paid enough. | ||
| I had a kid come up to me once and tell me that something was anti-Semitic. | ||
| And this was the... | ||
| It was like someone said, do you know any... | ||
| It was like one of those fun... | ||
| It was like a little auditorium, not a big crowd. | ||
| This was way back in the day, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And someone said, do you know any joke jokes? | ||
| Any good jokes? | ||
| I said, okay, I got to know one. | ||
| Two Jews walk into a bar. | ||
| They buy it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And the guy comes up to me and goes, that joke was very anti-Semitic. | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| Because Jewish people are good at business? | ||
| They're successful. | ||
| That's not anti-Semitic. | ||
| That's pro-Jewish. | ||
| That means they're good at buying stuff. | ||
| They're good at running businesses. | ||
| That may be a stereotype, but it's a positive stereotype. | ||
| It's a successful stereotype. | ||
| It's like black guys with big dicks. | ||
| Is that racist? | ||
| Who doesn't want... | ||
| You to say that. | ||
| That's not racist. | ||
| It may be stereotypical. | ||
| It's a stereotype, but it's a positive stereotype. | ||
| But no one's been like, yo, Joe, don't say I have a big dick. | ||
| Italian grandmas are good cooks. | ||
| Oh my god, you're racist. | ||
| No, that's usually a fact. | ||
| Yeah, because there's usually more people where that is true than not. | ||
| It's a stereotype, but it's a positive stereotype. | ||
| There's a difference between something that's discriminatory, like it's mean and nasty, and something that's just fun. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| And college kids don't get that yet. | ||
| No. | ||
| They're at 80%. | ||
| And so I had this conversation with the kid. | ||
| He felt like, boy, he was going to tell me. | ||
| He came up to me to let me know. | ||
| This is, again, this is the 90s, early 90s. | ||
| And I was like, how is that possibly anti-Semitic? | ||
| And he didn't have an answer. | ||
| He didn't have an answer. | ||
| He was baffled. | ||
| He thought he could just say it. | ||
| And then I'd be like, oh my god, I'm sorry. | ||
| I didn't know I offended you. | ||
| And be like, you did. | ||
| And then he was going to leave. | ||
| I'm like, think about what the joke is. | ||
| I'm saying they buy the bar. | ||
| How is that bad in any way? | ||
| But that's half of college shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're explaining your jokes. | |
| I'm taking up time just explaining the joke I just told. | ||
| But that one in particular is so ridiculous. | ||
| Because there's nothing negative about it at all. | ||
| It's the simplest joke of all time. | ||
| Two Jews walk into a bar, they buy it. | ||
| It's not even that funny. | ||
| But I don't know any jokes. | ||
| I don't know any jokes either. | ||
| We were like, oh, that's the worst. | ||
| And we were like, tell me a joke. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tell me what you talk about. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I talk about life. | ||
| I've had fucking comedian, like older comedians in particular, say that. | ||
| So what kind of shit do you talk about on stage? | ||
| Like, well, I talk about the hierarchies and how we can dismantle them and separate people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I don't know what I talk about. | ||
| I talk about life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I see. | ||
| Or you will meet somebody for five minutes. | ||
| They'll be like, you can talk about me if you want. | ||
| I don't know you. | ||
| Oh, did they say that? | ||
| Yeah, what would I possibly talk about? | ||
| That's what you should say. | ||
| People that think I'm going to talk about them on stage. | ||
| Hey, fuckface. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ain't interested. | ||
| I'm like, I'm minding my own crazy life. | ||
| My own silly family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I have no time. | |
| I'm good. | ||
| I have no time to be fucking with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And your nonsense. | ||
| Your nonsense, man. | ||
| Yeah, I came up at the store. | ||
| That's where I first learned stand-up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What year did you start? | ||
| 2007. Wow, that's the year I left. | ||
| I know! | ||
| That was the whole controversy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And, yeah, I wasn't there that night, but it was all the talk, obviously. | ||
| And, yeah, I started 2007 in the belly room. | ||
| And just, you know, that was when, like, no one was coming to shows. | ||
| Yeah, it was empty there. | ||
| They were, like, giving me, like, one 30... | ||
| That was the one thing that I felt bad about. | ||
| I felt like, damn, what if that shit place goes under? | ||
| You know, after I bolted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And talked shit about them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because it hit them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like just a different time. | ||
| Like now every show's sold out. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Yeah, but back then it was like, I was like performing like four drunk dudes. | ||
| Well, 2014 is when it all turned back around. | ||
| What did make it turn back around? | ||
| Just like all you guys coming back and doing sets all the time? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then talking about it. | ||
| I think podcasts helped. | ||
| When I started back again, it was pretty good. | ||
| It wasn't as good as it is now. | ||
| Now it's amazing. | ||
| Now it's great. | ||
| It's insane how it is now. | ||
| But creatively, it was really good back then. | ||
| I saw Roast Battle for the first time. | ||
| And I remember being there and going, wow, these people are fucking creative. | ||
| This is a fun show. | ||
| And I came back because, well, first of all, because Adam Egan and because Tommy got fired, the dipshit that was running it, but also because Ari was doing his comedy special there. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And I love Art of Death. | ||
| There was no way I was going to miss that. | ||
| I was like, I can't miss it. | ||
| He's one of my best friends. | ||
| I was friends with him when he was a doorman at the store. | ||
| Now here he is doing his Comedy Central special there. | ||
| I'm like, I have to come back. | ||
| And so I went there the night before, which was a Tuesday. | ||
| He was filming on a Wednesday. | ||
| I came to the night before and I saw Roast Battle and then hung out. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| I was like, this just feels crazy. | ||
| It feels like a different place. | ||
| Like a whole different energy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Adam was like, come on, man, come back. | ||
| That was 2014? | ||
| Man, that was a long time. | ||
| A long time ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, between the... | ||
| Seven years I was gone. | ||
| Yeah, I was gone for seven years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I saw Ari's set, and then I sat down with Pauly, made nice nights with Pauly, became buddies again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I said, fuck it, I'm back. | ||
| And then when I came back, Joey came back I think a little bit before me. | ||
| I think Joey was back like maybe a month before I was, which helped me as well. | ||
| And then Duncan came back a little bit after that. | ||
| And then Adam, because everybody loves Adam, he opened the door to a bunch of comics that never worked the store before. | ||
| They thought it was like... | ||
| They thought it was dark. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people thought it was like a gross place. | ||
| What a weird energy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was, like, you would walk down the hall and you could feel that sort of heaviness. | ||
| And you're like, this is a comedy place. | ||
| Like, this is weird that it feels so heavy. | ||
| Well, that place has gone through weird peaks and valleys. | ||
| When I went there in 94, I first came here from Boston, or from New York, actually. | ||
| I went to Boston, New York. | ||
| But when I was in Boston, it was Mecca. | ||
| We would talk about it like, dude, that's where Kinison came from. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Kinison was at the store. | ||
| Richard Pryor. | ||
| You know, Bill Hicks was a doorman. | ||
| I mean, we would talk about it with hushed tones. | ||
| It was like the Mecca. | ||
| It was Mecca. | ||
| But then when I came here in 94, it was dog shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, it was terrible. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| There were a bunch of Bodaks. | ||
| See, what happened was, Kinnison died in like 92. And when he died, there was a vacuum. | ||
| There was a void. | ||
| And he had already left the store. | ||
| He left the store, I think, like a year or two before that. | ||
| He had a falling out with Mitzi. | ||
| And, you know, he was fucking crazy. | ||
| Kinnison was like legitimately crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there was a wave when he was there where a bunch of people would come to see him and some of the other guys like you know Rick Duke come in and some you know there was Martin Lawrence was there and then well actually Martin Lawrence was there during the time during 94 when I was there yeah maybe like 95 or 96 but when I when I came back most of the nights you would be there like Monday Tuesday Wednesday it was like terrible half filled rooms yeah terrible acts People that should have quit comedy years ago, but they were only doing the store. | ||
| They were getting spots, too. | ||
| They were getting spots, but they weren't working. | ||
| They weren't working comics. | ||
| And they were working probably the same material. | ||
| That was happening a lot even when I started. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| They were working the same material forever. | ||
| For years and years and years. | ||
| And that was fucking gross. | ||
| It was weird to see. | ||
| I remember the first night I came there, I sat in the back of the room to watch a show. | ||
| I was out here for a pilot. | ||
| Me and Jim Brewer, we're out here filming a pilot. | ||
| We both lived on the East Coast. | ||
| And I was like, wow, this is the store? | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| These backs are terrible. | ||
| No one was good. | ||
| There was no one good. | ||
| It wasn't like Don Marrero was there. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure he was there occasionally, but it wasn't like it is tonight, where any night you go there, you'll see... | ||
| Ron White, Chris D'Elia, Nick Swartz, and Whitney Cummings, fucking Anthony Jesselnik. | ||
| It's like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ali Wong, just killer after killer after killer after killer. | |
| It's like, holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, and it wasn't... | ||
| When I started, it wasn't... | ||
| Like, Tony was the door guy. | ||
| He was a door guy then. | ||
| Delia was just starting to do the OR. It was an interesting time. | ||
| Whitney was doing a lot of spots in OR. It was very cliquish. | ||
| Everybody kind of knew each other. | ||
| I just started in the belly room and worked my way down. | ||
| It was cool, though, because it made you better. | ||
| There was like... | ||
| I rarely did a show with more than 10 people in the audience. | ||
| At least downstairs. | ||
| Those late night spots are weird. | ||
| Yeah, they're weird. | ||
| And they didn't care. | ||
| Tommy didn't care if people were on TV. I remember Jordan Peele had just finished Mad TV. He, they put him up on, it was like that Bringer, not Bringer show, it was an open mic. | ||
| They let him do like three minutes on this open mic. | ||
| And he wasn't what he is now as far as like he had this huge hit movie. | ||
| Now he's this massive director. | ||
| But he would have been on MADtv for seven years. | ||
| He went like three and a half minutes. | ||
| Tommy comes storming out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the fuck off the station! | |
| You're like, what's happening? | ||
| It was like the wild, wild west. | ||
| And so I just kind of kept to myself and just kept doing jokes. | ||
| Well, Tommy should have never been in a position ever to tell anyone what to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they let him do that because he was basically Mitzi's caretaker. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, along the way, he alienated a lot of people. | ||
| It became a real mess for a lot of people. | ||
| But I had, you know, I was lucky because early on, like, guys started seeing me perform in the belly room and they were the ones, because, you know, it was hard to get his ear. | ||
| You had to, like, get his ear to, like, let you showcase. | ||
| But, like, I remember Brett Ernst saw me at a show and he's like, you gotta, you gotta showcase. | ||
| I was like, I can't get... | ||
| Tommy's attention, you know? | ||
| So it was like dudes would like, you know, he would see Tommy and be like, you gotta let her showcase, you gotta let her showcase. | ||
| I always wondered if maybe he was like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, like in the Overlook Hotel. | ||
| Maybe the place like took over him. | ||
| It might have. | ||
| Like maybe he was just vulnerable and dumb enough so that the ghost could get in his head. | ||
| Because that place is definitely weird. | ||
| But it's real positive now. | ||
| It's a different feel. | ||
| That darkness isn't there anymore. | ||
| It's very supportive. | ||
| I showcased Ramitzi. | ||
| I did the video though. | ||
| She wasn't there. | ||
| She had just passed Justin Martindale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Justin Martindale was the last person she passed. | |
| She passed me as a non-paid regular first. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I got to do the belly room on Friday nights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, nice. | |
| And then I was a non-paid regular for like six months and then I got past it. | ||
| Yeah, my story was real similar. | ||
| I was a non-paid regular for like I think four or five months. | ||
| I was going on every night, late, late, late at night or going on after the show was over. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And I get it. | ||
| I got past three years in the stand-up, so I wasn't complaining. | ||
| But she was like, she needs to keep working. | ||
| I'm not going to make her a paid regular yet. | ||
| So it made me have to work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Work for it, which I appreciate now. | ||
| Well, also, it's like you get used to the club. | ||
| You get used to just being there. | ||
| Like, to me, just being there was so weird. | ||
| But I was six years in a comedy when I came to L.A. Yeah. | ||
| And I remember the day I became a paid regular. | ||
| It was like, I couldn't sleep. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| I was staying in the Oakwood Gardens apartments. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| These furnished apartments. | ||
| Oh, the furnished ones, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I remember by Disney. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I was laying in bed going, holy fuck, I'm a paid regular at the store. | ||
| Like, I'm a real comedian now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's all I could think of. | ||
| I was like, I'm a real comedian. | ||
| Like, I'm a professional. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's a big deal. | ||
| Oh my god, for me it was huge. | ||
| And it was like, because I started an improv and sketch at the Groundlings. | ||
| Oh, did you? | ||
| Yeah, so I had like, even though I was newer to stand-up, I had that stage experience for a couple years before I started stand-up, which I felt helped me just get in the rhythm of stand-up right away. | ||
| And so I just kind of hit the ground running and... | ||
| You know, to me, one of my biggest accomplishments is being a paid regular and that I got it before I was on TV. Because sometimes, you know, I feel like that does help when you're like on TV. They're like, oh, they're, well, they're funny. | ||
| They're on TV and they sometimes get passed. | ||
| And so it made me feel like a real comic to get passed and not have any TV credits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I'm sure. | ||
| I mean, having any kind of performance experience is going to at least give you this comfortable feeling of performing and talking in front of people. | ||
| For some people, it's so weird. | ||
| Talking in front of people is just... | ||
| They say that's one of the most terrifying things that some people can do. | ||
| Yeah, like before death. | ||
| People were afraid. | ||
| I'm like, really? | ||
| I'd rather... | ||
| You'd rather do a set in the belly row. | ||
| Yeah, just get a mic. | ||
| Do you really want to be that scared of it? | ||
| When did you start doing The Road? | ||
| Pretty quick. | ||
| 2010, I did Last Comic Standing. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Who was on that season? | ||
| That was Felipe, as far as the one that year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Felipe! | |
| Tommy Johnigan. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| I love Felipe. | ||
| Yeah, Nikki Glaser. | ||
| Oh, she was on, too? | ||
| She was on that season, yeah. | ||
| Damn, that's a good season. | ||
| It's a good season, and it had gone away and come back, so it was kind of an experience. | ||
| Who was the host? | ||
| Craig Robinson. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, and so I did that, and I started The Road after that, but like shit gigs, you know? | ||
| I forgot Craig was the host of it. | ||
| I just remember when Jay was the host of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It had been on, and it was more of a reality show with stand-up, and when they brought it back, it was just stand-up. | ||
| No one was living in a house together. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, there were no challenges. | ||
| It was just stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, thank God. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You got lucky. | ||
| Yeah, for sure, because I was like, I don't want to live in a house with a bunch of stand-ups. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| So, we just got to do stand-up, and then I started touring after that, and then... | ||
| 2011, I got Chelsea Lately, and then I started... | ||
| Basically, I've been touring ever since. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's a good little origin story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Bill Burr used to... | ||
| He's always been so nice to me, and he'd always be like... | ||
| Why are you never at the store? | ||
| I'm like, I'm touring. | ||
| I promise you I'm doing stand-up. | ||
| I just started touring and wasn't going in as much for a little bit. | ||
| That's great, though. | ||
| But he's always like, you need to stop acting and just do stand-up. | ||
| I'm like, I get it, but I do like acting. | ||
| When he says that, it's a compliment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| He just thinks you're really funny. | ||
| That's high praise. | ||
| Yeah, he's always been so good to me. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's a really good guy. | ||
| The best. | ||
| I just didn't think that he would be into my comedy, you know? | ||
| He loves comedy, period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, and he loves the art form, and he respects people that work hard at it and that are good at it. | ||
| He's so down to earth, like still. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And no matter all the success that he's had, I've known him forever. | ||
| He's never changed. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| He's the same guy. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| And he's so humble. | ||
| Like, if you tell him that he's doing well, it's like, ah, a lot of people are doing well. | ||
| Yeah, he's in shits on himself. | ||
| We're like, come on, man. | ||
| But that's why he's so funny. | ||
| I mean, this is also a unique time in that comics are putting out all these specials, and the specials are better with each time. | ||
| Like, I think Paper Tiger was one of his best specials ever. | ||
| Maybe his best. | ||
| It was really sharp. | ||
| And it's hard to top yourself at his level, you know? | ||
| It is. | ||
| But that's the thing about the store that's so wonderful. | ||
| I hate to use that word because it makes me sound fake. | ||
| Wonderful. | ||
| Wonderful. | ||
| It's so amazing that there's so many people doing that. | ||
| And it's cool to be able to sit down and talk to the different people that are doing it in different ways. | ||
| Bill doesn't put himself on any kind of a cycle. | ||
| He just decides when it's time to do a special. | ||
| I don't want to ruin it. | ||
| Whenever I want to do it, then I'll do a special. | ||
| But Jeselnik puts himself on a cycle. | ||
| And it's an interesting cycle. | ||
| Oh, does he? | ||
| One year, all town. | ||
| All in town. | ||
| Crafting the material. | ||
| One year, clubs. | ||
| One year, theaters. | ||
| Film a special. | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| Jeselnik is one of the hardest workers and one of the most clever writers in the business. | ||
| Yeah, he's very sharp. | ||
| Very clever. | ||
| And his jokes are one of those jokes where you hear it and you go... | ||
| This is like a pause. | ||
| You're like, God, that's a good point. | ||
| Well, because you don't see it coming, too, which is a real talent. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And he goes dark. | ||
| Oh, it gets dark. | ||
| There's only so many people that can get away with that. | ||
| Oh, he can get away with it. | ||
| Where you're like, whew, you did that. | ||
| Yeah, but he's confident. | ||
| It's also just so well done. | ||
| It's like if you're going to drive fast, you better be really good at driving. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If you're going to do dark comedy, you better be really good at crafting jokes. | ||
| And you've got to go all in. | ||
| You can't just dip a toe in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fucking cliff diving. | |
| He makes me laugh, though. | ||
| There was a LA Times, I don't know what it was, they were interviewing Sebastian Maniscalco, and they came to the store to interview him, and they said that Jeselnik came in the room where he was being interviewed and just sat and stared at him to purposefully Make him uncomfortable. | ||
| I thought that was so funny. | ||
| That sounds like Jessel Neck. | ||
| And then he finally got to Sebastian and was like, okay, can you get out of here? | ||
| He's another guy who Sebastian is. | ||
| It's hugely successful, but really humble. | ||
| Never changed at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just happy and grateful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's the cool thing about comedy right now. | ||
| I mean, you've seen so many different iterations of it, but dudes are selling out arenas. | ||
| I mean, you too. | ||
| Comedy is as big as rock guys, you know? | ||
| It used to be the opposite. | ||
| It was always the rock guys were here and the comics wanted to be them, and now all these guys are like... | ||
| Killing it. | ||
| Yeah, well, the difference is the rock guys have a fucking band and they have to get along with the band. | ||
| I bring different opening acts all the time. | ||
| I don't want anybody to get annoying. | ||
| I mix it up. | ||
| And we don't have to bring shit with us. | ||
| We don't have to bring drums. | ||
| Isn't that the beauty of it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to plug in an amp and hear the feedback. | |
| You don't do a tour bus, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| What am I, Burt Kreischer? | ||
| That fucking dipshit. | ||
| He's got his name on the side of it. | ||
| I love him to death. | ||
| He's one of my best friends. | ||
| But what the fuck, Burt? | ||
| I love Burt. | ||
| But that is... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| His big picture of his face all over his bus? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's me! | |
| It's me! | ||
| He and Joe Coy always mess with each other. | ||
| Joe's all showing his plane and Bert's showing his tour bus. | ||
| Does Joe Coy have a plane with his face on it? | ||
| Not with his face on it. | ||
| They're showing off their loads of transportation. | ||
| And I'm all like, I hope I get upgraded on American this weekend. | ||
| Yeah, look at that bus. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Look at those beautiful boobs. | ||
| Body Shot World Tour. | ||
| Look, he's got his fucking podcast. | ||
| That's just, you're just begging to get stalked. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, that is, it is a walk. | ||
| That's what he wants though. | ||
| It's a roll-in advertisement. | ||
| I mean, I guess. | ||
| It's also annoying. | ||
| All of us, all of his friends are like, what are you doing, man? | ||
| But he's been that guy forever where he's just like, hey, I'm going to a bar after the show. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Like, I don't think he cares. | ||
| He's drunk! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why would he care? | ||
| He's drunk. | ||
| And in college, he was like the dude, the party guy. | ||
| He was the inspiration for that movie with Ryan Reynolds. | ||
| Van Wilder. | ||
| Van Wilder. | ||
| He was the inspiration. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| Isn't that fucking nuts? | ||
| So a guy like I love him to death, he would have a bus with his face on it. | ||
| Of course he would. | ||
| Of course he would. | ||
| He's so silly. | ||
| It works. | ||
| It's also, he's so grateful because he had this Travel Channel show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And all of us, Bert was out there traveling and he's doing these shows and he's gone for months and months at a time. | ||
| And all of us, like Bill talked to him about it, I talked to him about it. | ||
| I remember I called him once and he was drunk on a motorcycle in Vietnam. | ||
| Yeah, he told me that story. | ||
| He said you were a big reason why he was like, I gotta stop doing this and get back to stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, dude, you're a great comic. | ||
| You're a funny guy, and that'll go away. | ||
| And you'll be at the beck and call of these people on the Travel Channel who want to censor you. | ||
| I mean, everything has to be squeaky clean down the middle. | ||
| I was friends with Bourdain, and he had real problems with the Travel Channel. | ||
| At the time, I think they were owned by very religious people. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of weird shit. | ||
| So he couldn't talk about things? | ||
| No. | ||
| Bert's a fucking savage. | ||
| He's a drunk savage. | ||
| And he's out there... | ||
| I mean, he enjoyed being employed on television. | ||
| It was all good. | ||
| It wasn't a bad thing. | ||
| It was a great job. | ||
| I'm sure he loved the job. | ||
| But I equated it... | ||
| I had experience doing Fear Factor. | ||
| So for me, it was kind of the same thing. | ||
| But at least Fear Factor was in town. | ||
| And I could do the store at night, but I was telling him, I'm like, listen, man, you won't be happy unless you have a career as a standup. | ||
| You're always going to wonder. | ||
| You're always going to see these guys, but you're going to drive by the improv, see these guys headlining. | ||
| It could be me. | ||
| I could be up there having a great time. | ||
| Yeah, and look at the level he's at now. | ||
| That wouldn't have happened. | ||
| He's crushing it. | ||
| Yeah, he's crushing it. | ||
| He's selling out fucking theaters everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's a direct result of him deciding to take that chance, and that's a hard chance to take when you have a family. | ||
| I'll tell you, that's one of the hardest things in this business is betting on yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's so hard to get stability in this business. | ||
| So when you get a taste of it, you're like, oh, I can't. | ||
| I don't want to mess this up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But you don't realize that the risk is greater. | ||
| You might fail, but the risk is if it works, it works like five times. | ||
| The reward is way greater. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| But that's a hard leap for a lot of people to take. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why I have so many jobs. | ||
| I don't want anybody to have any power over me. | ||
| I have a good philosophy on how I do my thing. | ||
| I just want to do my best and have fun. | ||
| And the more people that are in your ear talking to you about stuff and telling you what to do and what not to do and what you can get away with and not get away with, the more you're fucked. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| It's like you're never going to find your best voice. | ||
| You're just not going to. | ||
| Because you're not being you at the end of the day. | ||
| You're compromising yourself for some company or you're compromising yourself because you want to get hired for the next job after this job is over. | ||
| But when you don't have a job and you're just an artist, then you just get to create the best comedy you can create. | ||
| And the podcast thing just sort of became like a support. | ||
| It started off just for fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then it became like a support mechanism, and then it became this, what it is now, which is just bizarre. | ||
| Which, how long ago was it that it started? | ||
| Ten years. | ||
| Ten years, yeah. | ||
| So it was like at the forefront of it. | ||
| Yeah, I started after I got booted from the store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I started two years later. | ||
| You're like, find your own outlet. | ||
| Well, it was that. | ||
| I was also depressed. | ||
| I'd just come back from Colorado. | ||
| I was trying to move to Colorado. | ||
| But then my wife got pregnant when we were in the mountains. | ||
| And we got a house in the mountains, like 8,500 feet above sea level. | ||
| Like way up there. | ||
| Like to live? | ||
| I wanted to live up there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was tired of like... | ||
| For me it was like big crowds. | ||
| Like all these big crowds. | ||
| And what would be like the perfect antidote to big crowds? | ||
| No one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just peace. | ||
| So that was like... | ||
| When a woman gets pregnant at very high altitude, it's actually kind of dangerous. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Especially if you're not acclimated. | ||
| Denver, which is only 5,500 feet, has a very high number of premature births. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, because of that. | ||
| Because of the altitude. | ||
| There's no fucking air up there. | ||
| People are not supposed to live up there, probably. | ||
| Babies need oxygen. | ||
| So we moved back, and when we moved back, I was like, all right. | ||
| I was like, I gotta do something different. | ||
| And so me and Redband started doing just with a laptop answering questions. | ||
| Just like doing a live stream and answering questions to knuckleheads. | ||
| Like 200 people. | ||
| That's how it started. | ||
| You put it up on your own website? | ||
| Put it up on Ustream at first. | ||
| And then after a few months we decided to start uploading it to iTunes as an audio version of it. | ||
| And then it became what it is now. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| But that also helps me to not have a job. | ||
| I don't have to think. | ||
| Well, now you are not making decisions out of fear. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And that's where people really get bit in the ass. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Everyone's making decisions out of fear. | ||
| But it's hard. | ||
| It's hard to take that fucking leap, you know? | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
| It's a dangerous leap to bet on yourself. | ||
| Absolutely, yeah. | ||
| When did you first realize fully you're making a living doing stand-up? | ||
| When did you go like, I don't need anything else? | ||
| Um... | ||
| I mean, like I said, I started touring in 2010, but it was like, you know, small clubs and... | ||
| Were you middling? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I never middling. | ||
| I went straight from the store to headlining. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was a weird journey. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I wish I had middled. | ||
| How the fuck did you do that? | ||
| Last Comic Standing and Chelsea, they came back to back. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, and so, because I had been at the store for three years just honing my material and I was doing sets all the time. | ||
| I was doing shows constantly around town. | ||
| Last Comic Standing launched a lot of people, right? | ||
| Eliza? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| Felipe? | ||
| You? | ||
| Was it Alonzo? | ||
| Did Alonzo get launched from last time, Stanley? | ||
| He's done so many things, though. | ||
| Him and Kathleen Madigan, they did it early on. | ||
| Ralphie, for sure. | ||
| Ralphie, yeah, and Gary Goldman. | ||
| It was early on. | ||
| But Gary Goldman was on that fucking Dane Cook thing. | ||
| That weird HBO thing that they did together. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Yeah, everybody did. | ||
| Yeah, and so I wish I had middled, because I would have like, still to this day, I'm like, God, I'm so curious how other people do their shows, you know? | ||
| But I just sort of went from zero to 60, like, doing the story for three years. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| To, like, headlining. | ||
| How much time did you have? | ||
| Oh my god, probably 30 minutes. | ||
| And you're headlining? | ||
| I was headlining, but because of my improv background with Groundlings, I did a lot of crowd work. | ||
| Oh, well that's good for you for taking that chance. | ||
| I was able to kind of trick people. | ||
| So you were three years into your act and you were headlining on the road, off of television. | ||
| Off of TV, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| But, you know, I packed a lot into the first three years. | ||
| Because, you know, a lot of people, you're just trying to find stage time. | ||
| But somehow I got lucky. | ||
| I was getting tons of stage time. | ||
| So for three years, I was doing like six nights, seven nights a week of multiple shows. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| So I was getting material quickly, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of reps. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of reps, yeah. | ||
| I did the show for Adam Barnhart for a year every Sunday night. | ||
| He would give me 10 minutes in brand new comic. | ||
| You know, that's huge when you're a brand new comic. | ||
| So I was building material quickly. | ||
| But like for as far as like a good set, it was like 30 minutes. | ||
| But then I would do the crowd work and I would sprinkle it in. | ||
| And so it would... | ||
| You know, turn out to be a decent 45-minute show. | ||
| And then I just kept doing that. | ||
| And then I was on Chelsea for four years. | ||
| I left Chelsea to do acting. | ||
| And then stand-up took a little bit of a dip. | ||
| But then I did my half hour for Netflix. | ||
| It came back up again. | ||
| And I was doing well at clubs the last couple years. | ||
| And then my Netflix special, Sweet and Salty, just came out. | ||
| And this is my first theater tour and it's been selling well. | ||
| So now I feel, I get to answer your question right now. | ||
| Right now, 13 years in. | ||
| 13 years in. | ||
| Because in stand-up, 13 years is like nothing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Listen, 13 years to get into a theater tour at 13 years is amazing. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| My timeline's so all over the place that I don't know. | ||
| That's really good. | ||
| Thirteen years I wasn't doing a theater tour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So this is my first one. | ||
| And, you know, that's the nice thing about the Netflix reach, you know. | ||
| Does anybody come up to you and go, I love Sirius. | ||
| Sometimes, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you think, though? | ||
| Netflix is like 90% of the reach. | ||
| For the theater tour? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The special? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I've done a lot of acting the last few years. | ||
| I did the Mindy Project for three seasons and some other things, a bunch of guest stars, some movies. | ||
| What kind of contract do you guys have for doing that serious thing? | ||
| I think we signed a year contract, and then it's kind of like we'll see it a year if everyone's happy. | ||
| I think that's what it is. | ||
| Let's talk after the show. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I have some suggestions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the special, as far as stand-up, I mean, I feel like a lot of people, because they knew me from acting, didn't know I was a stand-up. | ||
| But stand-up's always been so important to me, and I was always on the road. | ||
| Even when I was acting, I was constantly headlining. | ||
| And I ran into Bill like a year ago on the road and he was like, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm like, I've been headlining. | ||
| He goes, you're headlining? | ||
| I go, yes. | ||
| People don't know I've been headlining since 2010. I just don't talk about it. | ||
| I just do my shows. | ||
| And now that I had my special come out, it's really great. | ||
| It's like I'm doing these cool theaters. | ||
| We're adding two shows most nights. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| People are really lovely. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| That's really cool. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| Like I said, it's a lot of storytelling. | ||
| Now, what do you do in terms of now that your special's out and then you're going to tour again? | ||
| How much new material? | ||
| I have about 40 minutes of new material. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| I'm still working. | ||
| When does your tour start? | ||
| Saturday. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Grand Rapids. | ||
| So are you going to throw some of the old bits in there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mix it up? | |
| I'll do a few classics. | ||
| Yeah, you got it. | ||
| Some people like that shit. | ||
| Nate Briazzi was like, you should do your new stuff, do as far as you can, and then throw in some classics, because people enjoy that. | ||
| They want new stuff, but then they like certain bits, and why not? | ||
| Yeah, well, fans. | ||
| There's some people that... | ||
| Gaffigan has to do his fucking Hot Pockets bit, or people blow a gasket. | ||
| There's certain people that... | ||
| Sebastian does a lot of his classic bits when he does The Road. | ||
| He does a lot of that. | ||
| Yeah, so it's, you know, the challenge, as you know, is like, oh crap, now I gotta, like, what's my story that I want to tell next? | ||
| What I want to say? | ||
| So that's what I'm working on now. | ||
| Well, that's, I mean, that's the beautiful thing about being a writer, right? | ||
| Do you smoke weed? | ||
| Here and there. | ||
| It's not like a regular occurrence. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe you should make it regular. | |
| I will say that I did this weed dinner with Chelsea where we ate like a five course meal that was all cooked with weed. | ||
| Oh great. | ||
| And I, because I love food, ate every course and like cleaned the plate. | ||
| I was like high as a kite. | ||
| But I have never been funnier. | ||
| And I'm like, why don't I do this more often? | ||
| Did they give you transportation? | ||
| Yeah, they did. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| Oh, I couldn't have. | ||
| I could barely walk by the end of the night. | ||
| Some people go into a fucking K-hole if you give them that much weed. | ||
| Oh, it was a lot. | ||
| I think I had like four joints. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was a lot. | ||
| Like, I was high until noon the next day. | ||
| But people to this day are like, that wee dinner was the funniest thing I've ever seen. | ||
| Well, if everybody's high like that, yeah. | ||
| As long as you're in a good place. | ||
| Yeah, I was in a good place. | ||
| And then at the very end of the night, it was all fog. | ||
| I Nothing. | ||
| I remember sort of getting into the car. | ||
| I don't remember any of the drive. | ||
| And then opening the door to my house and then blank again. | ||
| It was too much. | ||
| You made it home. | ||
| I do remember thinking in my head, like, don't text anyone. | ||
| Don't, because you don't know, or don't tweet. | ||
| You don't know what you're going to say right now. | ||
| So I just made myself pass out. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| You slid right into home plate. | ||
| Yeah, I made it. | ||
| You made it perfect. | ||
| I nailed the landing. | ||
| There's not too much. | ||
| That's the exact right amount. | ||
| You actually came in perfect. | ||
| But I think... | ||
| Yeah, because it did sort of open something in my head that let the silliness just run. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| So I should do a little bit, you know, before I write. | ||
| Start right now. | ||
| Want some right now? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Hey, kids. | ||
| Don't try this at home. | ||
| I'm going to have to go home and write. | ||
| The new tour is starting. | ||
| Yeah, I learned how to... | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I will tell you this. | ||
| Because you were talking about Elon. | ||
| You're not even sure if he inhaled. | ||
| Because I normally just do a little edibles. | ||
| I don't even know if I know how to smoke it right. | ||
| I'm like the lamest person. | ||
| Oh, hush. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| Just take a little bit of that. | ||
| That's a blunt. | ||
| Tobacco on the outside, weed on the inside. | ||
| Shout out to Speedweed. | ||
| I don't even know if I know how to inhale right. | ||
| Let me figure it out. | ||
| I'm like Bill Clinton. | ||
| Well, this isn't like Bill Clinton. | ||
| This isn't rocket science. | ||
| I think... | ||
| You good? | ||
| Blow it out? | ||
| Did you blow it out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| There's nothing in there. | ||
| Did it go in? | ||
| Seems like it did. | ||
| I think it went in. | ||
| Let's hold on to that. | ||
| You're like, don't do anymore. | ||
| Let's see how that works. | ||
| I like gulped that. | ||
| I was talking to Chappelle Lacey. | ||
| You know Chappelle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The dude who's like an unbelievable athlete. | ||
| He was a cheerleading champion. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| Like level six world champion and cheerleader and he's built like a tank. | ||
| I don't know him. | ||
| He's really funny, but he's funny. | ||
| He's never smoked weed. | ||
| He's like, I think maybe I want to try it. | ||
| I was like, listen, if you try it, try it with a friend and try a tiny bit. | ||
| Try it with a friend who smokes weed. | ||
| I just want you to go like this. | ||
| A little puff. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Hold on to it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Don't go crazy. | ||
| Because I don't want you to have a bad experience. | ||
| You're supposed to hold it in your mouth? | ||
| I mean, inhale it. | ||
| It goes all the way in your lungs. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it's in my lungs. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Do you feel any different? | ||
| Do you feel any different? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| I do. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Immediately? | ||
| Immediately, yeah. | ||
| It felt like, woo, elevated. | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| No, but it definitely went down my throat. | ||
| But did it go all the way in like this? | ||
| And then all the way out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think it did. | ||
| You don't need it. | ||
| You don't need it. | ||
| You're good. | ||
| I'm high on life. | ||
| I don't want you to freak out. | ||
| Some people freak out. | ||
| I won't freak out. | ||
| We've had people freak out. | ||
| Who's the biggest freak out we've ever had in here? | ||
| Hi. | ||
| We've had a few. | ||
| Like where they just start acting way different? | ||
| Sturgill Simpson told me. | ||
| I love Sturgill Simpson. | ||
| Yeah, he lives outside of Nashville. | ||
| That weed they have is, I don't know, it's that good. | ||
| The weed he was getting. | ||
| The stuff out here is like beyond, beyond, right? | ||
| Yeah, so we got barbecued before the podcast because I know he loves weed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he goes, dude, that podcast started. | ||
| I didn't know where the fuck I was. | ||
| I didn't know what you were saying. | ||
| You probably didn't remember anything. | ||
| I was sitting there like locked in. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, it's live too. | ||
| That was the other thing. | ||
| Back then we did it live. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which freaked a lot of people out. | ||
| Just the live aspect of it. | ||
| Yeah, because they weren't sure what they would say. | ||
| There was like a tension to it. | ||
| There was a tension to the fact that all these eyeballs were on you right now, currently. | ||
| Right. | ||
| For some strange reason. | ||
| Could you tell that he was like... | ||
| No, I was high as fuck too. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I'm not immune to it. | ||
| The only person that ever gets me scared is Joey. | ||
| Oh, because he just... | ||
| He goes so deep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He goes so deep it doesn't even make sense. | ||
| He'll throw down four stars of death. | ||
| Those are 250 milligrams. | ||
| And he does it in front of you and he's laughing. | ||
| Ha ha! | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I'm here to see the devil, Joe Rogan. | ||
| He's always trying to see the devil. | ||
| He gave me some pills to give to my lady. | ||
| Oh my god, the pills are dangerous. | ||
| But I was like... | ||
| Don't give her the pills. | ||
| I said, I don't know if you should take these. | ||
| No, he gave one to Tom Segura. | ||
| Tom Segura has a bit about it. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to give away the bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's in the new special? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's a new one that he's working on. | ||
| Yeah, gotcha, gotcha. | ||
| This is a recent occurrence. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That Joey dosed him. | ||
| I did Joey's podcast a while ago. | ||
| He tried to get you? | ||
| He tried to get me. | ||
| I was like, I don't know about this. | ||
| Oh, he's fucked some people's lives up. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Legitimately. | ||
| Because they go so... | ||
| Look, this is something... | ||
| I had a guy on the podcast... | ||
| Alex Berenstain? | ||
| Berenstain. | ||
| He wrote a book and I had him on with a doctor who was a cannabis enthusiast. | ||
| This guy, Dr. Mike Hart from Canada. | ||
| And one of the things that they talked about is How marijuana, to some people, can potentially induce schizophrenia. | ||
| Oh, that's for real? | ||
| For real. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's for real. | ||
| So you think that happened to some of the people, Joey? | ||
| You'd have to ask Joey. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I'll tell you off air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| For sure I think it can do that. | ||
| And for sure I think I know people that have done that and have lost their fucking minds. | ||
| Dang. | ||
| Because it's an alteration of reality. | ||
| But is it that star death stuff you're talking about? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Those and the chibichus that are even more strong. | ||
| Chibichus that are 500 milligrams. | ||
| Savages. | ||
| I don't think it's legal anymore. | ||
| I think once they went full legal, is that the case, Jamie? | ||
| It's like 10 milligrams each now? | ||
| I think it's like 100 milligram per thing. | ||
| So if you get gummy bears, you'll have 10 that are 10 milligrams, and that's 100. So you'd have to take two and a half bottles to equal one of the old ones. | ||
| First of all, I had a whole bit about this. | ||
| They're not making these things in a lab right next door to a place where they're making microchips. | ||
| There's some dude. | ||
| Some dude is cooking this shit up in some bullshit commercial kitchen that he got his friends to chip in money for. | ||
| Who knows who's making these things? | ||
| I'm sure a lot of them are being made by giant businesses now. | ||
| It's a legit thing now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But back in the day, especially, like right now I can't really speak of it. | ||
| I'm ignorant. | ||
| I'm just joking around. | ||
| But back in the day when you would first get edibles, you had no idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sure there's some testing methods. | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| If you're a grower, you're like, bro, let me educate you. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| But back in the day. | ||
| The only ones that ever worked on me, I would just fall asleep. | ||
| I found out it was like a grandma making them in her house because she liked them. | ||
| And then she would sell her leftovers to this one particular dispensary. | ||
| But then they went away. | ||
| I could never get them again. | ||
| I would trust the grandma. | ||
| It's the edibles. | ||
| But the Star of Death one, it's $2.50? | ||
| Is that what you said? | ||
| Yes, that's an insane amount. | ||
| A thousand? | ||
| No. | ||
| Joey takes four of them. | ||
| Oh, easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy. | |
| He can do a thousand. | ||
| Dang. | ||
| He can do two thousand. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Joey can just eat it. | ||
| It freaks him out and then he throws two more down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not kidding. | |
| Does he do it on a regular basis? | ||
| Yes, we landed somewhere. | ||
| He's like, I almost had a fucking panic attack. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, I was so high. | ||
| He goes, I'm taking two more, fuck it. | ||
| He throws two more down and goes out. | ||
| He was so pumped about those pills that he gave me. | ||
| I was like, you're just wasting it on me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't do this. | ||
| He's my favorite person. | ||
| I just don't know anybody like him. | ||
| I love Josh Wolf's old stories about them coming up together in Seattle, I think. | ||
| He's just a genuine human. | ||
| So funny. | ||
| I like him a lot. | ||
| The thing is this Berenson guy, Alex Berenson, who wrote this book, had a really good point. | ||
| Is that we think it's fine because it's fine for you. | ||
| But that doesn't seem to be the case for everybody. | ||
| Everybody has a different point they can go to. | ||
| I think people have different brain chemistry, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I think that's one of the reasons why some people have... | ||
| Depression run in their family, and we could all say, oh, hey, you just gotta suck it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| Because we're built in a way where we can suck it up. | ||
| That's true, but also it's like, I don't know how your brain is working. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's just guesswork, right? | ||
| There's no thing, like, I could take your temperature, right? | ||
| And if your temperature is like 96, whatever the fuck it is, it's hot. | ||
| What's hot? | ||
| What is it normally? | ||
| 98.5 is normal, right? | ||
| Yeah, so 99.5 and 100 is higher. | ||
| We start getting pretty warm. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| How come the float tank, they want it to be 94? | ||
| 94 is like the sweet spot. | ||
| They say that's the surface of your skin? | ||
| Yeah, as I say, your internal temperature is 98.6, but when you get to the outside, it's not probably the exact same. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not a doctor. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a doctor either. | ||
| But my point is you can measure that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you can't measure how a person feels. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, so we could assume, oh, they just got to get their shit together. | ||
| But it could be a thing like a thyroid issue. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or it could be a thing like a, like some people are born with bad vision, right? | ||
| Why wouldn't we assume that that would be the case with mood too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| With mood. | ||
| It's gotta be. | ||
| Some people are born having less happiness. | ||
| There's less of a feeling of joy, maybe an overwhelming sense of gloom just genetically. | ||
| We all know people who've just always been kind of down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Now if you give certain people like that some medication, it can help them. | ||
| It's a leveling thing, right? | ||
| It levels certain things out. | ||
| I mean, it's not an exact science, right? | ||
| They're always trying to find things that work for you. | ||
| But they can help you. | ||
| Like, if people are in a situation where—I know people that have been, like, really suicidal, and they got on some stuff, and it helped them a lot, and then they slowly weaned themselves off of it after they had improved their lives, and they found they didn't need it anymore. | ||
| Yeah, because it dulls other things. | ||
| Some of that stuff, you know? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's tricky. | ||
| You're messing with brain chemistry. | ||
| Hopefully it works. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the goal is to get you feeling better than you feel. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I feel like since some people need that and some people don't, it just makes sense that some people would interact with... | ||
| Everything differently than you would. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whether it's alcohol or drugs or cocaine or amphetamines. | ||
| There's some people that get a taste of amphetamines and they can't get enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then other people don't want to have nothing to do with that shit. | ||
| They're like, get that crazy fucking sauce away from me. | ||
| I don't want to be running around like a maniac. | ||
| I barely take like an Advil. | ||
| That stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I wonder what it is about weed that can open some other portal to, like you said, the schizophrenia thing for some people. | ||
| Again, obviously I'm an idiot and I don't know anything about what I'm talking about, but I would imagine that what's going on is that some people have a tendency to lean towards mental illness anyway. | ||
| Maybe they're struggling a bit and then something comes along like a Big dose of edibles and it just knocks their already shaky cart off the trail. | ||
| They just can't do it. | ||
| It's just too much. | ||
| It's a blowout event that their brain wasn't ready for. | ||
| Oh man. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| And I think there's a bunch of mitigating factors, right? | ||
| I would like to know when do these people experience these bouts of schizophrenia? | ||
| Is it directly related to stress? | ||
| Is it just something that genetically they're predisposed to? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| But he was saying that it's possible, and we don't know what the numbers are, but some people might have real mental health episodes because of a high dose of weed. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Here's the real problem. | ||
| The problem is, because it's been illegal for so long, they haven't funded adequate testing, right? | ||
| And it wasn't even legal to test on, I mean, for a long time, right? | ||
| It's like the federal government has to approve whether or not you can test on shit that's Schedule 1. Like, if you wanted to do some studies, and you wanted to do some studies on cocaine, and what it's like when people use cocaine, what's the effect of cocaine? | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're like, it's illegal. | ||
| Why would we want to get to the bottom of what it does to you? | ||
| The government would be like, what? | ||
| Cocaine might not be Schedule 1, right? | ||
| You might be right, because it's getting medical. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So Schedule 1 is all the good stuff. | ||
| It's mushrooms. | ||
| Schedule 1 is mushrooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the stuff that can get you to see God is Schedule 1. Hallucinogenic stuff. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Is heroin Schedule 1? | ||
| It is. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| What about morphine? | ||
| Because morphine, don't they still use that shit in the hospital? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That button is rude. | ||
| The fact they give you the ability to just juice yourself up. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| You can just hammer that thing. | ||
| Because why would you stop? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would you stop? | |
| Especially if you could feel sorry for yourself if you're in surgery. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, nobody wants to sit there in pain. | ||
| No, fuck that. | ||
| Especially when you're just sitting there anyway. | ||
| Let's go for a ride. | ||
| Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. | ||
| Let's put five quarters into this ride. | ||
| It's like, I can do that and go, okay, I don't want to do that ever again. | ||
| But some people can't. | ||
| And I don't think we should think of that as anything other than a chemical thing. | ||
| Seems like there's going to be behavioral things with people, right? | ||
| There's some people that are addicted to gambling, right? | ||
| It's not a chemical thing, but it still kind of is. | ||
| It's a rush. | ||
| Yeah, I think all that behavioral shit, it all ties in together. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| Like a dopamine spurt. | ||
| Well, it's really interesting to think how other people's brains work. | ||
| Like we were talking about Elon Musk. | ||
| He's too smart. | ||
| He's too smart. | ||
| I can't imagine what it would be like looking through that guy's brain. | ||
| You know, his brain works different than mine. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Right? | ||
| There's different brains out there. | ||
| And some of them create wild art, right? | ||
| Well, there's also the middle part. | ||
| The pistons have to shoot, you know... | ||
| You have pistons? | ||
| You know what I mean. | ||
| They have to connect. | ||
| In the left brain and the right, there's the whole left brain, right brain thing, you know? | ||
| I've never looked into that. | ||
| Where sometimes the wires are crossed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's why some people are better at math. | ||
| Some people are better at writing. | ||
| You know, there's a different part of your brains affect those. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I wonder if there's going to be a way to target those. | ||
| I bet there's going to be a way where they put something on your head, because the things they do for PTSD patients, they do this thing where they energize with magnets, some crazy magnetic thing in it. | ||
| It concentrates on a certain area of your brain where they feel you've been damaged. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And fighters and some people with injuries, CTE injuries from the war, they've gone to this. | ||
| It's near where the bases are down in San Diego. | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| I think maybe within an hour of San Diego. | ||
| And they... | ||
| They use magnets to stimulate your brain. | ||
| I'm obviously butchering it, but somehow or another they're helping your brain heal itself. | ||
| When I hear something like that, I'm like, okay, what if you just juiced up the right side? | ||
| Right. | ||
| What if you just juice it every day? | ||
| Like, nothing's wrong with it. | ||
| Like, I suck at writing. | ||
| Yeah, nothing's wrong with it, but I just want you to juice the fuck out of it. | ||
| I'd like to be able to pass my math test today. | ||
| Imagine if they came up with a technology, if they came up with a technology that allows you to help your brain heal. | ||
| And I know this is stupid, and I know I'm not a biologist. | ||
| But if they came up with that and they can help use these super magnets or whatever it is, from the outside you're wearing like a helmet or something and it juices up your brain and helps your brain heal itself, why couldn't they make you smarter? | ||
| I don't know why it stops. | ||
| Could you fucking imagine if they just started using, like really rich people just started wearing those helmets all day and just juicing their brain up all day and their brain just keep getting bigger and their heads start growing? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What if that is the future hot look, right? | ||
| Future hot look. | ||
| The hot look used to be the bigger the person, like if a king wasn't fat, he wasn't attractive. | ||
| Kings wanted to look fat because that would mean you had all this wealth and all this prosperity. | ||
| And then people got skinny like, oh, this means you're fit. | ||
| This is the ideal. | ||
| Maybe one day the ideal is going to be a big old head. | ||
| Big fat head. | ||
| Big old fucking alien head. | ||
| You're so smart. | ||
| You're just juicing your brain up. | ||
| I don't even know you could... | ||
| I don't know much about even repairing your brain. | ||
| You always heard that once you mess it up, it's messed up. | ||
| Yeah, I think they're learning... | ||
| I mean, there's for sure therapies that they're doing, but I think they're learning a bunch of different methods of how to help people heal from certain brain injuries. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this was part of that. | ||
| It's... | ||
| I mean, it's really... | ||
| The brain is such a weird one, right? | ||
| That's how you interface with the whole world. | ||
| Their whole body is like, you know, it affects everything. | ||
| It affects how you see things and think about things. | ||
| It's where you control all of your emotions. | ||
| It's how you stand up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's who you are. | ||
| The brain is a strange thing to fuck with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you're like, you're juicing the pump station. | ||
| That's why I'm like, if you ride a motorcycle, put a helmet on. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Please do. | ||
| Have you ever seen the videos when they're doing brain operations and they like, I think they make the people like play a guitar. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's a video of a girl playing the violin during surgery. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| I think you lose the ability, or they're afraid, maybe they're afraid they might lose that ability if they're not continuing to do it while that's going on. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's nuts. | ||
| The best is when people wake up from brain surgery and they have this whole other skill. | ||
| There's stories of people suddenly being fluent in Spanish. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that. | ||
| Or they can play instruments. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| I mean, I don't know anybody like that, but I hear stories. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| That is a really fascinating idea that someone could get a brain injury and come back with some new special skill or a language. | ||
| You would think I would have looked into that. | ||
| You would think I would have read about that. | ||
| I haven't looked into that shit once. | ||
| Well, I was reading an article about Mary Stenbergen. | ||
| She's married to Ted Denton. | ||
| I don't know how to say her last name. | ||
| She had some sort of injuries. | ||
| She had surgery. | ||
| I don't know if it was brain or not. | ||
| It might have been brain something. | ||
| She came back and had suddenly the ability to write music. | ||
| And she wrote songs for a soundtrack of a movie that just came out. | ||
| And she never had that... | ||
| Oh, Stenburgen. | ||
| Her brain became... | ||
| Yeah, it became musical. | ||
| Stenburgen's brain became musical after a strange complication from a routine surgery. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| All my thoughts became musical. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who discovered a new passion for songwriting? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, that stuff's trippy. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| That's what I was saying earlier. | ||
| It's like everybody's brain is just different. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| We all want to hold people the way they think to a certain standard. | ||
| Everybody wants everybody else to think the way they do. | ||
| They want to enforce their ideas and thoughts. | ||
| We just have to come up with a better way of A better way of expressing that no one has any idea how you see the world. | ||
| The way we talk to each other, we assume that your version of the world is exactly the same as my version of the world. | ||
| That we're coming from the same place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah, but not only are you coming from a different environment, but your brain... | ||
| Your brain's different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Like, the way some people see the world. | ||
| They just see it different than you. | ||
| They're looking through a different window. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you can tell when you're talking to those people. | |
| We've got to be a little bit more... | ||
| I think we have to be a little bit more understanding of some people like that. | ||
| That's where all the weirdos, that's where the crazy ones come from. | ||
| That's why they say that, oh, that person's wired differently. | ||
| You don't think Quentin Tarantino's wired differently? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, how are you going to make a movie like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood unless you're wired differently? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That you can see this alternative ending to this horrific story. | ||
| Want to go on a ride through that dude's brain? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Who knows what's going on there? | ||
| That guy creates some fucking wild, dark images. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| But you know, that guy, his brain is different. | ||
| It's fucking different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why a lot of this, you-can-do-it stuff that you hear, like inspirational shit that you hear. | ||
| Like, you can do anything. | ||
| Just set your mind to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But not always. | |
| Not everybody. | ||
| No. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Just like, you know... | ||
| Well, you want to think positive. | ||
| That's always, like, if you can, think on the positive side. | ||
| But not everybody can physically do everything. | ||
| You should definitely think positive in terms of energy, in terms of the way you view people and accept the moments. | ||
| But you shouldn't think positive in terms of you can do something that's not physically possible. | ||
| Yeah, you shouldn't jump on a moving vehicle. | ||
| You shouldn't, like, if I decided at 52 I want to play football in the NFL. Right. | ||
| That's not physically possible. | ||
| It's literally not physically possible. | ||
| You might be wired different after that. | ||
| Well, I'd be wired different for sure. | ||
| I'd be wired up. | ||
| My career would last 10 seconds if I was lucky, and that would be it. | ||
| That is just physical reality. | ||
| It doesn't matter how much positive thinking I do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, it's not going to change facts. | ||
| There's no changing. | ||
| I'm not winning any sprinting contests. | ||
| I can't dunk. | ||
| There's nothing special happening here. | ||
| You know, like that is... | ||
| That's physical reality. | ||
| It doesn't matter how much positive thinking I ever have. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| That's where people get weird. | ||
| Well, that's like when people who don't believe in science, you know, someone gets sick, they go, we'll pray. | ||
| We'll pray that it will take it away. | ||
| You go, okay, well, you, listen, I'm not knocking praying. | ||
| Pray all day. | ||
| But at some point, this person needs medicine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| God invented people. | ||
| People figured out medicine. | ||
| God made medicine. | ||
| Just take the medicine, stupid. | ||
| Just take the medicine. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Just people that are studying their entire lives to try to figure out how to fix you. | ||
| They're not always right, but they're right way more than you are. | ||
| Or naturopaths. | ||
| Sometimes you just need medicine. | ||
| I'm sure there's real naturopaths out there. | ||
| I'm sure there are. | ||
| But just the term makes me go, what are you doing? | ||
| Did you go to real school for that? | ||
| Naturopath, I'm sure, is a real thing. | ||
| But for sure, also, there's a lot of people that are kind of faking that thing. | ||
| Telling you how to heal yourself and telling you what herbs to take. | ||
| Like, hey, where's the evidence? | ||
| Where's the evidence these herbs are doing jack shit? | ||
| They're like, just drink celery juice. | ||
| Like homeopathy? | ||
| That shit's nonsense, right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Has that been proved to be nonsense? | ||
| I don't know much about it. | ||
| Homeopathic medicine? | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a certain amount of you just believing you got some medicine. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, like the placebo effect? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| There's a certain amount of that. | ||
| I mean, if you take something that's like sugar pills, and you definitely feel like it made a big difference, your illness took a turn for the better, you just immediately start thinking that. | ||
| But we know that's not possible. | ||
| There's no good quality evidence that homeopathy is an effective treatment for these or any other health conditions. | ||
| Some practitioners also claim homeopathy can prevent malaria or other diseases. | ||
| There's no evidence to support this and no scientifically plausible way that homeopathy can prevent diseases. | ||
| The NHS UK. Yeah. | ||
| That's those English people, though. | ||
| They're probably trying to save money on their socialized medicine. | ||
| Kidding! | ||
| Yeah, I think if you believe that eating walnuts is going to make you feel like you have more energy and feel pure, and someone tells you and convinces you, you eat those walnuts, you'll start feeling different. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| You'll decide you feel different. | ||
| I don't know what percentage of people. | ||
| You're not going to get the really skeptical people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The real cynical people. | ||
| But for some people, you give them some sugar pills and it'll work if they really believe it works. | ||
| We don't even know why that is. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| They don't understand the placebo effect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's real. | ||
| It's measurable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And I think depending upon how much you buy into it, I bet that has a big impact on the effectiveness of it. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Because if you buy in 100%, you do, I think, feel that change. | ||
| But if you're like, yeah, this is not going to do anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not going to be the same thing. | ||
| It's almost like some religions are, that's what they are. | ||
| They're a theological sugar pill. | ||
| Like some religions are just, if you believe, if you just really believe, you get rewarded. | ||
| If you really believe, and that's the pull of a cult, right? | ||
| That's how you start any wacky cult. | ||
| You gotta really believe. | ||
| Do you really believe? | ||
| I believe too. | ||
| We all believe together. | ||
| Oh my God, we're so connected. | ||
| We all believe together. | ||
| And they're saying they've got the answer. | ||
| Oh, you got the answer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's also how you get people to, you know, the churches that do the tithing. | ||
| Yes, it's beautiful. | ||
| Ten percent, bitch. | ||
| That's a good amount of money, isn't it? | ||
| Man, that's a big chunk of change. | ||
| That's a good slice of cash. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good slice of cash right there. | ||
| I know Mormons tithe. | ||
| Is that still a thing in other churches? | ||
| Yeah, some Christian religions definitely do it. | ||
| Yeah, tithe. | ||
| Ten percent. | ||
| Man. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| Yeah, especially if you're an entertainer and you're giving your agent 10 and your manager 10. Yeah. | ||
| I don't know if Jesus would have wanted you to give payments like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think he would have. | ||
| See, as Methodists, we just passed a collection plate and, you know, if you put a dollar, how's that different than a 20? | ||
| You're just like, I gave something, wouldn't Jesus be just happy that I made the effort? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's almost like they should just charge a membership fee. | ||
| Like, stop fucking around. | ||
| Like, do you get more prayers if you put in a 20? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I bet you do. | ||
| I bet you get preferential treatment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it like raffle tickets? | ||
| Is it like raffle tickets? | ||
| It's like raffle tickets! | ||
| I would like $20 worth of prayers. | ||
| Well, do you remember when preachers, these late night preachers, they came up with this really dastardly move? | ||
| And the really dastardly move was to convince poor people to send them all of their money and that God would return it tenfold or twofold or whatever it is. | ||
| And they had all these different stories of all these poor, gullible people that they were telling I mean, I don't know who was doing the stories where they would tell the success stories. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I did this, and this happened to me, and I made so much money afterwards, and now we have a house, we have a car, and they get these people convinced. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Imagine targeting people's last remaining dollars. | ||
| There's a special place in hell. | ||
| Some of that televangelist stuff is, you know, really preyed on that, especially back in the day. | ||
| It was like, like you said, those commercials. | ||
| Look at what they have because they did this for the church, for us. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Meanwhile, the preachers are flying from the jets. | ||
| There was a preacher, I think I heard it on Stern, there was a preacher that told the church flat out, I need another plane. | ||
| I need you to donate money. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| A bunch of them have done that, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there was one, it was a woman interviewed this preacher as he was getting into his limo, just getting off his plane. | ||
| She asked him, is it because you think poor people are demons? | ||
| Oh God. | ||
| He had said something crazy about he doesn't want to fly commercially with all those demons. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He's like, AKA poor people. | ||
| Yeah, this is the guy. | ||
| Oh man. | ||
| And he says, don't you say that. | ||
| Don't you say I said that. | ||
| He got serious with her. | ||
| Pointed in her face. | ||
| It was very scary. | ||
| Man, that was all the rage. | ||
| Because I'm from outside of Charlotte. | ||
| It was Tammy Faye and Jim Baker. | ||
| Jim Baker just had to be shut down. | ||
| He was selling some fake coronavirus shit. | ||
| He went to prison, right? | ||
| He's out now. | ||
| He's out and about. | ||
| Making things happen. | ||
| He had a fake coronavirus thing. | ||
| That apparently he got busted for. | ||
| They told him to stop selling that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Missouri Attorney General sues Jim Baker over misleading coronavirus cure claims. | ||
| Oh, that just came out. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| That's what he looks like now? | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| Oh, my gosh. | ||
| Yeah, he looks great. | ||
| It's the best he's looked in years. | ||
| Oh, he was selling it on his website. | ||
| Totally eliminate it, kills it, deactivates it. | ||
| That's what it said. | ||
| I love when guys go to prison for being shady and they're like, not stopping. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| The product is $125 on the show's website. | ||
| So he's saying he's got a $125 cure for the coronavirus. | ||
| It does not exist. | ||
| That was like a cleaning product. | ||
| Is that cleaning product? | ||
| They're selling him Drano. | ||
| Drink Jano. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just took the label off. | |
| Just drink this hand sanitizer. | ||
| When you throw up, that's the demon coming out of you. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| I didn't know he was still wheeling and dealing. | ||
| Still wheeling and dealing. | ||
| Is he still preaching? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think he is. | ||
| Yeah, I think he has a TV show. | ||
| He's out there rocking it. | ||
| Oh, he does. | ||
| The Jim Baker show. | ||
| Kapow! | ||
| Shout out to the Jim Baker show. | ||
| Yeah, North Carolina. | ||
| I don't know if he's still North Carolina. | ||
| Imagine if he really did have the cure, and we were mocking him the whole time. | ||
| I know, and he's like, you assholes. | ||
| What if there was like one scientist that lives in the woods, and he brought the guy in, and the guy had the cure, and they figured it out, it worked, but no one else knew, so he can't get fucked over by the FDA, so he's just going to sell it from his website. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, I tried to tell you. | ||
| I thought I sold it for a deal. | ||
| What if Jim Baker becomes the king of the world? | ||
| He's the only one left. | ||
| Everyone else is like, we don't have the cure. | ||
| We don't have a vaccine. | ||
| It's just him and his believers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| We'll find out. | ||
| Tune in. | ||
| Tune in, folks. | ||
| Tune in next week. | ||
| But I miss Tammy Faye, rest in peace. | ||
| She was a wild one, huh? | ||
| Anybody that gets their makeup tattooed on... | ||
| Did she get her tattooed on, the whole deal? | ||
| I'm pretty sure, yeah. | ||
| That's a risky move. | ||
| All that eye makeup. | ||
| You're letting somebody drill ink into your eyelids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| I think it's become... | ||
| More women do it than you think. | ||
| It's just that they do a lot better job now. | ||
| They have better tools and techniques. | ||
| So people get them tattooed on, but you can't tell. | ||
| I think we're one or two generations from them being able to do whatever the you want. | ||
| What do you want your face to look like? | ||
| One or two generations, like 50 years from now. | ||
| But you know, I feel like people can change their face so much already. | ||
| It takes out some of that. | ||
| When people fix certain things, they take away what was unique about them. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Jennifer Grey. | ||
| Dirty dancing. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes people fuck up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And with your face, you can't really go back. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard, right? | ||
| You can't be like... | ||
| Lips are real hard. | ||
| My bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, some gals got convinced that they needed to get their lips thicker and so they had surgeries on them or had their lips opened up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so painful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, you can get scar tissue anytime you have surgeries. | ||
| You have weird spots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why I became a comedian. | ||
| That's why? | ||
| You didn't want to get your lips done? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lips are weird too if they don't match your face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Immediately you're like, what's happening here? | |
| It's just the ratio's off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think that people thought because they could do it with tits, why can't they do it with lips? | ||
| Let's keep this party rolling. | ||
| Let's make everything ridiculous. | ||
| Ridiculous tits where we're like, okay, we're in. | ||
| I've heard that small boobs are in. | ||
| They're back. | ||
| That's the word on the street. | ||
| I'm off the market, so I haven't been testing it. | ||
| That's probably... | ||
| People have trends, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are getting their implants removed, too. | ||
| Well, that's good for health reasons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, some people, there's a woman named Kat Zingano, and she fought in the UFC. Now she fights for Bellator. | ||
| She was one of the top bantamweight contenders. | ||
| She fought Ronda Rousey for the title. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She had hers removed, and she detailed it on her Instagram and talked about all the negative effects it was having on her health-wise. | ||
| And now once she got them removed, she felt infinitely better. | ||
| Well, especially the old implants, you know, that were leaking and a lot of people were getting sick from it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the problem is, apparently, it's just like everything else, like stuff we were talking about earlier. | ||
| Some people have a reaction to it and some people don't. | ||
| Exactly, right. | ||
| For some people, it's like... | ||
| For whatever reason, their body rejects it and it creates an immunological response by their immune system. | ||
| It creates inflammation. | ||
| Some people have real problems with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the trend right now, small boobs, big butts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's what I've heard. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Like a track star. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, pretty much. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| We need a streamline. | ||
| For when our society collapses, we have to go back to living in the forest. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Mad Max style. | ||
| I don't want to live in the forest. | ||
| This coronavirus turns out to be just like the flu, and everybody just gets the flu. | ||
| I hope that's the case. | ||
| But we've got to be really prepared for a real one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Really prepared for like a plague. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, because you're seeing how fast even this is spreading. | ||
| Not just that, but how underprepared we are. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I say we as if I'm out there doing science. | ||
| We need funding. | ||
| Well, you've got to have tests. | ||
| We don't have the tests. | ||
| I think we need to pay way more attention to this shit. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I don't know what... | ||
| I mean, I have no idea if they're underfunded or if it's a matter of scientific innovation, like how much time it takes to figure out a new, better way to protect from these diseases or... | ||
| He was talking about some of the existing vaccines that they, you know, that they could have possibly worked on to make a vaccine for a coronavirus. | ||
| They never bothered doing it after SARS. Right. | ||
| Apparently, which is another coronavirus type thing. | ||
| Like animal to person type thing. | ||
| Well, there's a lot. | ||
| I think apparently a lot of them are like that, including the flu. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of them are people get it from like pigs. | ||
| That's the swine flu, birds, avian flu. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It jumps from the animals to us and we get sick as fuck. | ||
| Spooky shit. | ||
| It's really scary because you're already dealing with life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then you're like, oh... | ||
| A plague is rolling through the land. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You keep hearing the words pandemic. | ||
| And it's also, this is my take on it. | ||
| The way we look at it, we look at it like it makes sense. | ||
| Because we know about colds. | ||
| We know colds kill people. | ||
| We know diseases kill people. | ||
| So it seems to make sense. | ||
| But if those were demons... | ||
| And not diseases? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know how terrifying the world would be? | ||
| If all the people that are dying of diseases were really just dying of demons? | ||
| That would be scary. | ||
| I would buy that $125 thing Jim Baker was selling. | ||
| But why is it less scary to have them die of disease than it is for them to die from demons if they're both just going to kill you? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| If we just looked at diseases like demons, there's a fucking holy war going on out there. | ||
| There's a holy war going on out there. | ||
| The demons are trying to get us. | ||
| Instead, we're like, oh no, it's just COVID-19. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| It's a demon. | ||
| You guys are mislabeling these diseases. | ||
| They're all demons. | ||
| You're like, can I take vitamin C for that? | ||
| We should treat healthcare in this country the same way we would treat fighting demons. | ||
| Well, how do you even fight demons? | ||
| Isn't there a path to fight most of those demons? | ||
| Like, silver bullet, fucking steak through the heart. | ||
| Well, we haven't put enough money into fighting the demons. | ||
| We've accepted a certain amount of loss of the demons every year. | ||
| Imagine if that was it? | ||
| Like, we would be so angry at our leadership. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fuck! | |
| You're invading Afghanistan! | ||
| You haven't done shit for the demons at home! | ||
| Everyone's dying! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Demons are claiming everyone! | |
| Like how many people die of disease in this country every year? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| A lot, right? | ||
| Like a lot of young kids and old folks die from the flu. | ||
| That happens. | ||
| Is heart disease like the worst one? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Yeah, but is that a disease? | ||
| You mean like a contagious disease? | ||
| I mean like something that you catch. | ||
| Like you come down with something. | ||
| Because cancer is a disease too. | ||
| And a lot of people get cancer. | ||
| You know, if we've thought about all that shit like demons, we'd be working harder to fight it. | ||
| There's a holy war. | ||
| There's a fucking holy war out there. | ||
| But how do we fight it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's not a coronavirus. | ||
| It's a fucking demon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's what we got to call. | ||
| Maybe it's a bitch-ass demon. | ||
| It's only going to kill people with lung problems. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, it's not strong. | ||
| Like a strong demon. | ||
| Like the Spanish flu. | ||
| Shape-shifting demon. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| A cuckoo. | ||
| A shape-shifter. | ||
| Like the outside. | ||
| Are you watching that show? | ||
| No, but I've heard it's awesome. | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| I'm deep in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is there only 10 episodes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's over. | |
| I didn't get to the end. | ||
| These good shows do like eight or ten episodes. | ||
| You're like, ah, come on. | ||
| Well, this one can easily make a comeback. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, easily. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| It's a really good show. | ||
| It's just a really well done horror show. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's based on a Stephen King book. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Or did he write it? | ||
| Is it based on a novel or is it something? | ||
| I know it's his writing. | ||
| I believe so. | ||
| He does that a lot. | ||
| He gives his stories out for young directors to make projects with. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| They nailed it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's really cool. | ||
| Where's the plan? | ||
| HBO. It's really good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But HBO does that thing where they make you fucking wait. | ||
| Oh, a long time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They make you wait a week. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What's with the waiting? | ||
| It feels like forever. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Streaming. | ||
| Catch up, bitch. | ||
| Streaming. | ||
| It's only streaming. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| You can't go back to like 8pm. | ||
| Here, tune in. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| To wait a week for these shows feels like a month. | ||
| They also have to give in to this idea of this certain window of prime time. | ||
| A certain window of prime time, which is whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| 8 to 10. People want to watch whatever the fuck they want to watch. | ||
| They want to download it for their plane ride. | ||
| Netflix just jacked the whole system. | ||
| There's some gears. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Streaming just fucked everything over for these people that want you to tune in. | ||
| Have you seen this show? | ||
| Devs? | ||
| What is it made by your boy Alex Garland that did Ex Machina? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, I don't know this. | ||
| It seems like it... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| This is just me guessing based off of the trailer. | ||
| It just came out. | ||
| It looks like it's about the people that make the simulation sort of. | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm too high for this, Jamie! | |
| Jamie, I'm too high for this! | ||
| I'm too high! | ||
| Yeah, it looks really fun. | ||
| Nick Offerman. | ||
| He's a good actor. | ||
| Looks good. | ||
| Just came out. | ||
| Have you ever contemplated the idea of life as a simulation? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you ever heard of simulation theory? | ||
| That's what they're talking about. | ||
| Like the Matrix type thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I don't know about that. | ||
| Fucking Elon Musk believes it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He said if he had one question, what did he say? | ||
| He would want to know what's behind the simulation or what's beyond the simulation. | ||
| You mean like who's controlling it? | ||
| That was like his one question he would want to have answered. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's on the other side. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like who's controlling the simulation? | ||
| What's beyond the simulation I think was his quote. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He said that it's possible. | ||
| And then if you talk to some scientists that have tried to study this, like look at it objectively, they think it's more probable that we are living in a simulation than not. | ||
| Yeah, but it would be like, yeah, the question really is, because it can't just exist, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like eventually it's going to be here, right? | ||
| This is what we all agree. | ||
| Eventually there's going to come a time where if you think about what you can do now, have you ever fucked around with one of those like HTC Vives? | ||
| Oh, the... | ||
| Yeah, Oculus. | ||
| Have you done the Oculus thing? | ||
| The Oculus one is pretty sweet because it's just a headset and it plugs into a laptop or iPad rather. | ||
| So the iPad's sitting there. | ||
| Plugged in and you step away from it and you're in this fucking world. | ||
| Yeah, you're in a world. | ||
| A whole other place. | ||
| Yeah, you can play all these games. | ||
| There's boxing games. | ||
| There's games with swords and shit and you're swiping at like geometric patterns that are flying by you and you're playing drums on them. | ||
| And it's so realistic. | ||
| It's so realistic. | ||
| And this is at its infancy. | ||
| Like we know for sure. | ||
| If they keep going with that, think about what a movie used to look like in 1930. It was so ridiculous. | ||
| Watch King Kong. | ||
| Special effects are so bad. | ||
| They're so bad that it's like for kids today, it's actually funny. | ||
| I've showed it to my kids and they thought it was funny. | ||
| But back then it was amazing. | ||
| It was like beyond anything anyone had seen. | ||
| That's not even 100 years. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So what we can do now with these HTC Vibes and these Oculus and all these places like Sandbox where you go and play these games and these warehouses with virtual reality, this is just the beginning. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| This stuff is going to be indistinguishable. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's going to come a time where they can create a digital realm that you can exist in and it's indistinguishable from this world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's going to happen. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| It's just going to take time. | ||
| If we don't blow ourselves up, it might take... | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| We got plagues and... | ||
| Yeah, if we don't get eaten by the demons. | ||
| Climate stuff. | ||
| We don't get attacked by aliens. | ||
| We have a... | ||
| If we can survive for a certain amount of time in prosperity. | ||
| When are the aliens coming to get us? | ||
| I don't think they're going to come get us. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They're probably going to stop us from destroying the world. | ||
| I bet they would do that. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| If they were really watching. | ||
| If I was from another planet, I wouldn't think it would be a good idea to fuck with people. | ||
| I'd be like, let's just let them sort this out. | ||
| Hopefully they'll get it right. | ||
| But I definitely would want to step in before they hit the nukes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, we can't let them nuke the whole planet, these idiots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| My God says you guys suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They get fucking fingers on the nukes. | |
| Like Pakistan and India, right? | ||
| They both have nuclear weapons. | ||
| And they're right next to each other. | ||
| Well, when Trump was fighting with Kim Jong-un, I was like, we're really close. | ||
| California is very close. | ||
| Does Pakistan, do they have nuclear weapons as well? | ||
| Well, India for certain has, right? | ||
| They're right next to each other and they hate each other and they get mad. | ||
| They get fucking missiles! | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| No! | ||
| Please! | ||
| There's like one dude that if he's like really pissed off, who's going to stop him, you know? | ||
| Pakistan's weapons of mass destruction is one of the nine states to possess nuclear weapons. | ||
| Pakistan began development of nuclear weapons in January of 1972 under Prime Minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. | ||
| I don't want to say his name. | ||
| I'm fucking it up. | ||
| No disrespect. | ||
| Who delegated the program. | ||
| It's just a gentleman's agreement that they're not going to use these? | ||
| Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. | ||
| Prime Minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| That's a crazy thing too. | ||
| Parts of the world that just have wacky ass names. | ||
| There's a dude who fights in the UFC. He's the UFC lightweight champion. | ||
| And he's from Dagestan. | ||
| They have a totally different way of using words over there. | ||
| And their names are crazy. | ||
| His name is Khabib Nurmagomedov. | ||
| Like this long. | ||
| Yeah, it's like this powerful, you know, Russian-sounding name. | ||
| Like, that so identifies you with that part of the world. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Like a name like that. | ||
| There's a guy, Magomed Sher... | ||
| His name is Zabit Magomed Sharapov. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I fucked it up. | ||
| Think of that name. | ||
| Zabit Magomed Sharapov. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Still sounds terrible. | ||
| Coming out of my mouth sounds terrible. | ||
| Incredible fighter. | ||
| And he's from that part of the world, too. | ||
| Oh, there he is. | ||
| Magomed Sharapov. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Look at that long name. | ||
| Like, that name shows you that it's that part of the world. | ||
| It's like, but Mike Jones. | ||
| Hi, I'm Jim Smith. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so American, right? | ||
| That we have a boring-ass name development program. | ||
| Well, we got lazy when people came off the boat, right? | ||
| They're like, oh, that's too long. | ||
| We're going to cut it. | ||
| Mike Williams, hi. | ||
| Nice to meet you, Pete. | ||
| It's William Snobovic. | ||
| Pete Jones? | ||
| Pete Jones, good to see you. | ||
| Oh, have you met Pete Jones? | ||
| Which Pete Jones? | ||
| The Idaho Pete Jones? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Or they would just take your trade. | ||
| Oh, you're a shoemaker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There's your name. | ||
| Craig Shoemaker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that nuts? | ||
| But some parts of the world, they have fucking gallant names. | ||
| Man. | ||
| You know, long with, like, liberal use of Zs. | ||
| They use a lot of Zs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But, like, some languages, though, it's like this huge, long name, and then it's like a zero with a slash. | ||
| You're like, that's how they write it. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| This long name can be represented by a tiny symbol in some languages. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm making shit up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you make that up? | |
| I think the weed hit me. | ||
| Oh, for sure it did. | ||
| Like a Chinese symbol. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| Imagine having to learn that now at a grown age. | ||
| As a grown up. | ||
| Imagine if you had to go learn Mandarin. | ||
| So hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucking really hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You had a brain injury and you just couldn't understand it and you couldn't explain to anyone. | ||
| That's had to have happened. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah, the crazy thing about Asian characters too, they developed a whole different way of saying stuff. | ||
| They developed a way of saying stuff like they can recreate our language inside their language, but they're doing it with these little symbols and they all kind of know what it all means when it's all pushed together like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we look at it as just like a bunch of lines that we don't understand. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| But if you could see it, that would be one of the weirder things about learning to read it. | ||
| All of a sudden, it would look like language to you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's no longer just symbols. | ||
| It's no longer nonsense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, look at that. | ||
| And don't they read from, certain languages read the other direction, right? | ||
| Imagine if you had to write all that out. | ||
| Like, good lord. | ||
| And that's perfect. | ||
| Yeah, that's like beautifully written. | ||
| Like imagine, you know how bad doctors have prescription handwriting stuff? | ||
| Yeah, what's the slang of that? | ||
| What's like a guy whose handwriting is terrible? | ||
| What's his note look like? | ||
| Do you have to really understand Mandarin to sort through that? | ||
| His scribble, yeah. | ||
| They're like, oh, that was supposed to have three dots. | ||
| I've gotten mail, like actual mail from friends, like a Christmas card or something like that, and they write something in it, and I'm like, hey, bro, what did you want to say to me? | ||
| Because I can't read a word of what that scratch was, but they still send it to you. | ||
| No, that's not real. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Well, no one teaches handwriting. | ||
| They don't teach handwriting anymore. | ||
| Oh my god, but that's how they're doing it in Chinese. | ||
| That's the Chinese version of it. | ||
| See what that is? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| You imagine what kind of 10th degree black belt in Chinese you'd have to be to even understand what the fuck that is? | ||
| Man. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Of course, though. | ||
| It just makes sense if we were thinking that people have terrible handwriting in English. | ||
| Why wouldn't they have terrible handwriting in Chinese? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's illegible. | ||
| Like, if you told me that was Chinese, I'm like, bro, that's scribbles. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, it looks like bad cursive. | ||
| Okay, that kind of looks like Chinese. | ||
| But wow, look how everything flows. | ||
| And it's on top of each other. | ||
| Bro, it looks like letters that are being attacked by a tornado. | ||
| Doesn't it? | ||
| It looks like letters that are all being attacked by cartoon tornadoes. | ||
| And squiggly lines at the bottom. | ||
| Everything's a tornado attack. | ||
| It's a complicated language, though. | ||
| It's so much more interesting than ours. | ||
| I'm so bummed out that I'm too stupid to learn it at this day and age. | ||
| I mean, just to learn Spanish is hard. | ||
| Spanish is useful though. | ||
| There's way more Spanish people over here. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Way more Spanish speaking people over here. | ||
| The beauty of Spanish is that things sound like they're spelled. | ||
| The hard part of the English language is so many things are not pronounced how they're spelled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So Spanish is very literal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Spanish is all using the same letters that we use. | ||
| You know, like if you had ever learned Russian, like, oof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're jumping to a different system. | ||
| It's a different alphabet. | ||
| There's a bunch of those little weird Russian symbols. | ||
| You're like, what is that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that must be how a Russian looks at English if they don't speak it. | ||
| But the thing is about other countries, a lot of them are bilingual. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| We're way behind with that stuff. | ||
| Way behind. | ||
| I lived in Spain for a year and everybody there spoke two languages. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| At minimum. | ||
| And a lot of them were coming from other countries and they spoke multiple languages there. | ||
| I wonder if that's one of the things that makes places like Italy or countries like that a little bit more artistically sophisticated still. | ||
| Maybe it's the fact that everybody knows more than one language. | ||
| I wonder if their brains just work a little better from doing that, processing two languages. | ||
| Like, think about all the weird... | ||
| Like, every time I visited Italy, I'm like, how did all this art come out of this one place? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I know a lot of it they stole from other spots when they were the Romans. | ||
| But just the shit that they made, for sure, in Italy. | ||
| It's like, this one little country? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How the fuck did you guys do this? | ||
| They had really good coffee. | ||
| But my argument falls apart under scrutiny because they just spoke Italian back then. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They didn't speak English back then, did they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| I don't think so. | ||
| They probably never made contact with each other like they do now. | ||
| But even now, you'll go to a gelato shop, and the cashier's fluent in Italian and English. | ||
| You're like, you could make a gazillion dollars being a translator, but they're just like, oh, we all know two languages. | ||
| That's just how it is. | ||
| Yeah, some of them are perfect. | ||
| But it's like such a valued skill, you know? | ||
| And rare. | ||
| And I don't think they even know how much they have, like what value they have in them. | ||
| I used to know this dude that I used to do Taekwondo with, and he was an international shipment guy. | ||
| He would get things in other countries and bring them back to America and sell them. | ||
| And this is like pre-internet, man. | ||
| I used to deliver pizzas with this dude when he was trying to start his business up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But anyway, he could learn languages. | ||
| He just had a unique ability to learn languages. | ||
| And he was really into it. | ||
| And he would recite things from these languages to you. | ||
| I'm like, damn, dude, that's impressive as fuck. | ||
| He just kept learning. | ||
| He was really into learning languages. | ||
| And then he'd buy and sell things from other countries. | ||
| And he could talk to these people on the phone in different languages. | ||
| Yeah, well I think it's like having a musical skill. | ||
| I think you hear things like you are just able to translate it better. | ||
| One of my best friends growing up, he speaks like five languages. | ||
| I think you just have to be predispositioned to be good at that. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Is that what it is or is it just you just have to love it? | ||
| I think it's a combo of like you have to love it, you have to practice it, but I do think certain people have like the gift to do it more than others. | ||
| kids become really good singers as adults because they get encouraged to do it as children and they develop their vocal cords and their ability to project while they're growing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I wonder if it's the same thing. | ||
| So they train it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the same thing as like there's certain physical skills like martial arts in particular. | ||
| Where they think that the very, very elite, cream of the crop, they start really young. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And yeah, guys like Floyd Mayweather started boxing really, really young. | ||
| And he's pretty much regarded the best boxer ever. | ||
| And as he grew up, he grew up, like his body was developing while he was boxing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it becomes almost like a part of who you are. | ||
| Your body and your skills become one and the same. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they think that when you're learning and you're like in your 30s, like say if you were like a pretty athletic person, you're learning in your 30s, you're always going to have like a giant... | ||
| Right. | ||
| When you're dealing with a guy like Floyd Mayweather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because he's just so clean. | ||
| It's like in his bones. | ||
| It's in his DNA. Yeah. | ||
| Everything's clean and honed. | ||
| The pathways are so polished. | ||
| And he has so much understanding because he's been doing it his whole life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like there's certain things you see, almost like you can't catch up. | ||
| You can't catch up to certain things. | ||
| You have to, if you want to... | ||
| If you want to develop those skills to the ultimate peak for some people, it has to be done while they're growing and evolving, it seems. | ||
| And I always wondered if that was the case with voices, too. | ||
| Little kids are singing when they're really young. | ||
| I wonder if those little kids develop amazing voices because they're strengthening it as their... | ||
| I would think so. | ||
| You would think so, right? | ||
| Like swimmers. | ||
| They start young. | ||
| Gymnasts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody starts young. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it would make sense that... | ||
| I feel like there's a lot of energy involved in singing. | ||
| I can't sing, but I feel like there's a lot of projection and energy involved in that. | ||
| I would think that if you learn how to do that as you're young, as your body's growing and developing, it'll... | ||
| I would think so. | ||
| I would think so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you can... | ||
| You know, people get classically trained. | ||
| They get all these different trainings. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you started younger, it does seem like you would be at such an advantage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder if that's the case with talking shit, too. | ||
| You gotta learn young. | ||
| If you don't learn how to talk shit when you're really young, it becomes a real problem as you get older. | ||
| It's hard to learn how to talk shit when you're in your 30s and 40s. | ||
| You at least have to have siblings. | ||
| I feel like people with siblings are good at talking shit. | ||
| Or good friends. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Good friends that can shit on you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good friends that can say ridiculous things. | ||
| You need friends that shit on you. | ||
| It's not a bad thing to have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it's funny. | ||
| Keep you on your toes. | ||
| That's fucking good for you. | ||
| It's good for everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, we're funny. | ||
| People are funny. | ||
| Well, I think that's what made me have a thicker skin. | ||
| I have two older brothers. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| So you're just like, from day one, you're a piece of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they love you, but they talk to you in a different, you're not coddled, you know, with brothers. | ||
| They're just like, toughen up. | ||
| Yeah, it's a totally different kind of relationship. | ||
| They know you. | ||
| They know the everyday you. | ||
| You always find that really tough people, the really toughest people, a lot of them, not all of them, but a lot of them, they have older brothers that used to beat their ass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Some of the best fighters in the UFC have older brothers. | ||
| I don't fight because why would I fight? | ||
| But if I had to protect myself, I know that old school fighting with my brothers would just come out and I would beat somebody up. | ||
| Because that instinct would come back. | ||
| That fight or flight. | ||
| You're like, oh, my brother's about to beat the shit out of me. | ||
| I better toughen up and fight back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they didn't care if you were a girl. | ||
| They didn't give a fuck. | ||
| There was no, like, oh, you're a girl, you can't hit girls. | ||
| We'd be like, and I'd be an instigator, too. | ||
| I'd be like, come on, motherfucker! | ||
| I had such a potty mouth. | ||
| At like 8, I was like, that's all you got? | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| They're like, you're 8! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You were like that at 8? | ||
| Because I had brothers. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And how old were your brothers? | ||
| The oldest one's 7 years older than me and the middle one's 3 years older than me. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Three's a lot. | ||
| Seven's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, it's almost like your dad. | ||
| I'm like, are you my dad? | ||
| But yeah, I remember I got sent to the principal's office in second grade because I gave somebody a bird. | ||
| They're like, how did you learn? | ||
| Where did that come from? | ||
| I'm like, my brother. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| That would lead you to comedy. | ||
| They turned into really good guys, but when they were young, I heard stories like when they would walk past, that was back when people would keep their doors open in our little town. | ||
| Everyone would see my brothers coming and would shut their doors. | ||
| They were like the rugrats of the neighborhood. | ||
| I just learned to be a little feisty. | ||
| Do you think that helps you in comedy? | ||
| It certainly, certainly helps because you just, you know, we all eat shit at some point and you just go, alright. | ||
| I hate shit. | ||
| Moving on. | ||
| That's the hardest thing for people to take, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oftentimes. | ||
| Well, yeah, it's hard because you're like, it's just you and a microphone. | ||
| If you're bombing. | ||
| It's you. | ||
| You gotta sweat through it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I mean, it certainly helps with like, you know, social media that we talked about. | ||
| It's brutal at times. | ||
| You just, you know, it's not fun, but you just kind of shrug it off and go, oh well. | ||
| And move on. | ||
| Yeah, but those bombings are so valuable. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Goddamn, they're valuable. | ||
| Failures are so valuable. | ||
| We look at them like they're really bad and it's terrible, but if you have energy, failures are valuable because it makes you realize, I got some correction to do. | ||
| I gotta figure out what the fuck went wrong. | ||
| I gotta do better. | ||
| And it re-energizes you. | ||
| Yeah, because if people were just laughing, it's not making you get better at that thing. | ||
| Yeah, you don't sweat it. | ||
| Sometimes you just sweat it. | ||
| And it sucks when you're in it, but it does make you like, oh, something's not working here. | ||
| Yeah, so I try to pretend that I just bombed every day. | ||
| Especially when I'm about to go on stage of writing. | ||
| I've thought about it that way. | ||
| Pretend like I'm doing a set right after I bombed. | ||
| You know that feeling? | ||
| You get to work. | ||
| It's a weird thing we do. | ||
| It doesn't get any less weird. | ||
| No. | ||
| You keep doing it 20, 30 years. | ||
| It's still weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Well, I think that's why stand-up is a great equalizer. | ||
| These huge comics can go for their audiences, go kill, kill, kill. | ||
| But then they got to go back to the comedy club with that new stuff and start from square one and work it back up. | ||
| So it doesn't matter how big you are. | ||
| Everybody's got to go back to the club at some point. | ||
| And that's the beauty of it. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| That's the beauty of this era. | ||
| We've been talking about that a lot lately because it's such an important point. | ||
| You become a beginner again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you have new shit. | ||
| Yeah, and you don't know if it works. | ||
| And, you know, I was hanging out with Tommy this weekend. | ||
| Tom Segura was in Vegas. | ||
| He just happened to be there doing stand-up the same weekend. | ||
| I'm there for the UFC. Yeah. | ||
| So he came to the fights and I came to see his show. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| And his show, his special is just about to come out, and he's got all this new shit that he's been working out at the clubs. | ||
| It's so fun to see that stage where someone's putting it together. | ||
| They've got these big laughs, and he's got this part where they're trying to figure out where this goes, and then you can see how much of it is new and how much of it is polished. | ||
| Where he's going with it. | ||
| Do you, I mean, with someone like Tom who's, you know, so seasoned, do you look at stuff and ever be like, hey, I have a suggestion? | ||
| Or you kind of just, you know, do you ever... | ||
| If I really saw something, I mean, we talk about stuff and he'll give me one too. | ||
| He'll tell me, you know, like, I like it when you did it this way. | ||
| First show you did it this way. | ||
| We definitely do that to each other. | ||
| Yeah, that's nice. | ||
| Especially if you see something glaringly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, but we ask each other too. | ||
| Like Bert and I were talking about a new bit that he had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Where he did it one way during the first show, and he missed the part of why it got such a big laugh. | ||
| And we were explaining it. | ||
| I was like, this is how, because I watched both sets, I was like, this is how I saw the first one. | ||
| But this is how I saw the second one. | ||
| You were implying something that's more funny. | ||
| And he was like, oh, right. | ||
| Okay, so that, yeah. | ||
| So I need more of a pause there. | ||
| I was like, exactly. | ||
| Otherwise, it seems like it's part of the sentence before it. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love getting that feedback. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's great getting it, too. | ||
| You know, some good comics have given me really good advice. | ||
| It's cool when you see it through somebody else's eyes. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Because, yeah, there's so many things you miss. | ||
| Yeah, because Bert was doing that with me. | ||
| He was like, oh, you said this thing. | ||
| You've got to go back to that thing and explore it. | ||
| Do you record all your sets? | ||
| Half of them. | ||
| I need to get better about that. | ||
| Sometimes I forget, I just... | ||
| I listen to half of them, so we're even. | ||
| I record all of them, I listen to half of them. | ||
| That's how I learn how to do it. | ||
| I feel like if I learn that way, it seems to me that when I'm doing it, it's just... | ||
| It's always just trying to do your best. | ||
| And for me, part of doing my best is I have to hear it. | ||
| I gotta listen to it. | ||
| And if I felt like something went weird or something was clunky or I tried to do something backwards or try to do the punchline first and just fucking around with a bit, trying to expand on it, I need to hear it. | ||
| I need to hear it. | ||
| I need to hear it. | ||
| You can hear it. | ||
| As soon as you hear it, you know if it worked. | ||
| You can hear clunkiness. | ||
| Especially when shit's new. | ||
| It's like, ooh, this is clunky. | ||
| This entrance is clunky. | ||
| I don't know how to get there. | ||
| I gotta make a line. | ||
| It's such a science, right? | ||
| It is kind of, but it's also, like, what's great about Joey Diaz is that it's an art. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's no science to him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's feel. | ||
| A plus B doesn't equal C. Yeah, it's feel. | ||
| It's just he knows what's funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But he's like that all the time. | ||
| Like, listen, Fortune, cut the shit. | ||
| Let's cut the shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just cut the shit. | ||
| Yeah, and he's got a lot of opinions and they're funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I just start with what's funny to me and then expand from there and hope that other people find it funny. | ||
| If they don't, you jump ship, try a new bit. | ||
| Yeah, but when you're doing it, you're doing it for a specific reason, right? | ||
| You're doing it because you're trying to figure out how to make it work. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It's a little science project you're doing. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of crazy. | ||
| Well, because you know that certain stories from your life or family or whatever are funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes we're like, but how do I get that across? | ||
| And it not be a, you had to be there moment. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, how do you make the audience be there? | ||
| That's the part for me that's always what I'm aiming for. | ||
| I don't want them to go away going, oh, I guess you had to be there to find that funny. | ||
| I want them to be like, oh, I felt like I was in that moment with you watching it happen. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's just a really good joke, right? | ||
| I always say that most jokes that you see recorded, it's probably 70% as funny as it was if you were there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you feel like that's accurate? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, because there's a feeling that you get when you're laughing with people. | ||
| There's a communal feeling, too. | ||
| It's fun about being in the audience. | ||
| Yeah, it brings it out of you, too. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| It's fucking fun. | ||
| Part of the fun of what we do is the fact that we do it in front of an audience. | ||
| Everybody's jazzing off the experience. | ||
| Everybody's having a good time. | ||
| And the audience can control so much of the mood of the show. | ||
| Yes, for sure, for sure. | ||
| When you're live, or you're watching it at home rather, you're just getting a ghost. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're getting a ghost of that night. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're not getting the full juice. | ||
| A simulation. | ||
| So if you think someone's funny, what I'm saying is if someone thinks you're funny from Netflix, and I'm sure they will, you're more funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| On top of that. | ||
| You're more funny on top of that in real life. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Yeah, it's just... | ||
| Because there's a magic with a lot of people. | ||
| You watch them live and you're like, oh my god. | ||
| It's one of the cool things about what we do. | ||
| It has to be done live. | ||
| You have to learn how to do it live. | ||
| You have to practice it live. | ||
| People know what's going on now, though. | ||
| They know you're doing that. | ||
| Before, when people would come to see you, they wanted every bit to be polished and done and ready. | ||
| But now they know that if you come to the Tuesday night to the Comedy Store, there's going to be some clunky premises tossed about. | ||
| You're like, you paid $15 for this ticket. | ||
| This is what you're getting. | ||
| Sometimes you have a new idea and you just get it off wrong right out of the gate and you can't recover. | ||
| You can't recover. | ||
| Your set just sucks. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Just get into home plate with one flat tire. | ||
| You're looking for that light. | ||
| Who's next? | ||
| Then Joey comes and murders. | ||
| How many nights a week are you going up? | ||
| Uh, I've been doing, hitting different clubs, probably three, two to three a week. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I go to, I don't go like to the comedy store every week. | ||
| I'll change it up and do different shows around town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are the other spots you like to hit? | ||
| I do store, laugh factory, improv. | ||
| I hit up Flappers sometimes. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Go to Flappers. | ||
| It's a good place to work out. | ||
| You ever do the Ice House? | ||
| Yeah, do the Ice House. | ||
| Love that place. | ||
| Like alt shows, Largo here and there. | ||
| There's some other, like, rooms that do, like, gay shows. | ||
| I'll pop into those. | ||
| Dookie, how you said that? | ||
| Gay shows? | ||
| Gay shows. | ||
| What's with the hand? | ||
| What's the hand movement? | ||
| I just felt very fabulous talking about the gay shows. | ||
| But for me, it's always important. | ||
| It would be easy for me to go to the gay rooms and just do those shows, those audiences. | ||
| They know my story similar to their story. | ||
| They know my thing. | ||
| For me as a comic, hitting the store has always got to be part of the routine. | ||
| Because I want to appeal to the bros, to the straight chicks, to the married couple, to the whoever. | ||
| I don't want my thing to be for one group of people. | ||
| I think that attitude is why you're so fucking funny. | ||
| I mean, there's no way to get better. | ||
| But you have such a good attitude about it. | ||
| That's such a professional approach. | ||
| You're looking at it objectively and you're saying, I want to mix it all up. | ||
| I want to do everything. | ||
| Because there will be times I'm going to the store where I know I have a new bit. | ||
| I don't know how it's going to go. | ||
| I get anxiety. | ||
| I know it's going to be hard, but I've got to do it. | ||
| Because that's the only way to get better. | ||
| I could just go to this alt room and kill. | ||
| But you walk away going, yeah, but... | ||
| You were preaching to the choir. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| What did I accomplish from that? | ||
| So for me, the store has always got to be part of my workout. | ||
| Because... | ||
| You know, you see the arms crossed and be like, yeah, what do you got? | ||
| You know, and then you have to slowly see those arms unfold and, you know, win those people over. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| And it doesn't always happen, but it makes you keep at it, you know? | ||
| That's why things are... | ||
| You're already 13 years in. | ||
| You're doing a theater tour. | ||
| Well, I'm trying. | ||
| For real, that attitude really is. | ||
| You have a very professional attitude about it. | ||
| Well, I love... | ||
| Comedy. | ||
| I love stand-up. | ||
| I respect the art form. | ||
| I know I'm on the newer side of it, even at 13 years. | ||
| And I just try to find my place in it and how to keep getting better at it. | ||
| I really think that's why you're so good. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| And I'm a fan. | ||
| I think you're very, very funny. | ||
| I appreciate that. | ||
| I enjoy working with you. | ||
| Same. | ||
| I mean, I look up to you so much. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| You'd just be disappointed. | ||
| As a comic, no, there's no, I mean, your storytelling is, like, unbelievable. | ||
| I think the, one of the, I saw you doing that, um, what, what's happened? | ||
| Oh, Ari's show. | ||
| Yeah, Ari's show. | ||
| Um, This Is Not Happening. | ||
| Yeah, and you just told, like, you're just telling a story. | ||
| It's, like, the fucking funniest thing. | ||
| That was a true story, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| And you're just like, holy, it's like a whole other level. | ||
| And it's so great to watch. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Tell everybody how to get to you on Instagram. | ||
| It's already 311. Dude, we've been doing this for three hours. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| And I didn't have to pee once. | ||
| You're amazing. | ||
| You didn't even budge. | ||
| I wore a diaper. | ||
| No. | ||
| I did it for you, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe, I pissed my pants for you. | |
| I'm at Fortune Feimster. | ||
| Spell that for people. | ||
| F-E-I-M-S-T-E-R. Fortune, like the cookie. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's my Instagram, fortunefeimster.com slash tour. | ||
| I'm going to tons of cities. | ||
| My special, Sweet and Salty, on Netflix. | ||
| And all that good stuff. | ||
| And all that good stuff. | ||
| And she's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Go out, see her. | ||
| Come see the show. | ||
| Thank you very much for being here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| This was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| I enjoyed it. | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| That was great. |
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