Jan. 31, 2020 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:34:33
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman! | ||
| Hey, hey! | ||
| Did your thing come unplugged? | ||
| No, no, I'm all good. | ||
| It just isn't as long as I hoped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Which I've heard before. | ||
| Ha! | ||
| No, we're good. | ||
| We're going to get new things with a box and a little wallet. | ||
| Ooh! | ||
| Yeah, we're going to make it like a real radio show. | ||
| Finally! | ||
| This thing's been slacking. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| That's what I've been saying, man. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| This little box right here that controls the volumes is just too complicated. | ||
| Nobody can figure out where the dial is for their thing. | ||
| It's prehistoric, too. | ||
| That looks aged. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Yeah, it's a little weathered. | ||
| It's probably from all the weed smoke. | ||
| It's patina. | ||
| That's what they call it. | ||
| Patina? | ||
| Patina. | ||
| Is that in your maid? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Patina's like the surface of an old car, when it has kind of like, or maybe a knife that's been kind of like slightly rusted. | ||
| A little wear and tear. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| People enjoy a patina. | ||
| Ah, yes. | ||
| Like a fine wearing of a nice object. | ||
| Like a MILF is a patina. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| MILFs have a little bit of patina. | ||
| I like a MILF. I like a crow's foot and an old labia. | ||
| You name it. | ||
| Yeah, a girl likes to do shots. | ||
| Yeah, like a Tampa whore, you know? | ||
| Tampa! | ||
| Yeah, I was just there. | ||
| Yeah, did you do the improv with the three floors? | ||
| No, that room stinks. | ||
| I did the side splitters. | ||
| Oh, that's supposed to be a really good room. | ||
| Great room. | ||
| Mom and Pop, been there forever. | ||
| You know, Richard Jenny's photos on the wall and all that shit. | ||
| It's old school. | ||
| God, that guy, he's one of my all-time favorites. | ||
| That Tampa Improv, does it still have the three floors? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And the third floor is like ten seats? | ||
| Yeah, Ybor City, everybody's hammered. | ||
| It's like Bourbon Street down there. | ||
| It's not great for comedy. | ||
| Last time I was there, which is quite a while ago, I got introduced by someone who wanted to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to introduce you to the local swinger community. | |
| Oh! | ||
| The people that are really into swinging in Tampa are... | ||
| Not people anybody wants to have sex with. | ||
| They find each other and they all just... | ||
| No one gives a shit. | ||
| You fuck her. | ||
| I'll fuck her. | ||
| I'll fuck him. | ||
| You fuck me. | ||
| Did you look at them like a lineup kind of thing? | ||
| There was like 20 of them that came to the show. | ||
| Not one fuckable weirdo? | ||
| I mean, listen. | ||
| Things can get ugly when you get hammered. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You should see my ex. | ||
| They weren't in the best of shape. | ||
| They didn't... | ||
| They didn't seem like they were concerned about the way they looked. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| It seemed like they just got together and just fucked everybody. | ||
| Everybody fucked everybody. | ||
| See, that might be the ruse. | ||
| I think they know they're ugly. | ||
| They want to get laid. | ||
| It's a perfect crime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So, yeah, it's a smart move. | ||
| You get into a fuck club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's happened to me a couple times. | ||
| One time, Nashville. | ||
| This one guy was driving us around all weekend. | ||
| And then Sunday, the day he was taking us to the airport... | ||
| He's like, well, it was really nice to meet you guys. | ||
| Next time you guys are here, I'd love to take you to a swingers club. | ||
| I think I was with Hinchcliffe. | ||
| And we were both like, what? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, well, that's one of the things that I do. | ||
| I'm in sort of an open relationship with my woman. | ||
| So then we started questioning him, like, do you get a chance to see the guy she's going to bang? | ||
| He goes, yeah, yeah, and I also have veto power. | ||
| Oh, wow! | ||
| But of course they want to bring you in, because he's the hero if he brings in a celeb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| And then you get to bang the wife, they probably got headshots on the wall of all the other guys who fucked her. | ||
| He was not telling me to fucking, he's like saying, if you want to come watch, come hang out. | ||
| I think that would be worth it. | ||
| I would get some popcorn and go nuts. | ||
| Popcorn, a fucking operating mask. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Like a coronavirus Asian. | ||
| Yeah, some fucking rubber gloves you used to wash dishes with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what? | |
| What am I doing here? | ||
| What am I touching? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Maybe a laser pointer just to fuck with them. | ||
| Yeah, they had. | ||
| Well, they used to have those. | ||
| I've never been to an actual sex club in L.A., but a buddy of mine has been to one. | ||
| And he said, you know, you go into this room and all these weird red light bulbs and everybody's banging everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, do you ever watch those Dancing Bear videos? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, man, J-Mo. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| He's gonna get wood. | ||
| I can't pull it up. | ||
| It's called CFNM, Clothed Female Naked Male. | ||
| And it's so hot! | ||
| Because it's the woman in charge, and it's a bunch of dude strippers who come in with bear hats on, like bear masks, and they're in a speedo, and they just start dancing. | ||
| Eventually they're getting blown, they're fucking the chicken from accounting, and banging Debra from sales, and it's kind of... | ||
| Oh, mediocre looking women getting railed by these studs. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And it's great because they like it. | ||
| And they keep the masks on? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So why do the guys keep the masks on? | ||
| Well, it's just because it's anonymous. | ||
| It's hotter. | ||
| It's just a fuck object. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| So the woman can flip the switch and detach and just enjoy the physical pleasure of it. | ||
| And it's like a bachelorette party or an office party or something, and it's killer. | ||
| It's always in an office setting or something. | ||
| She doesn't have to look in the eye of the man and feel shame and weirdness. | ||
| Yeah, and when the women are turned on, it's so much hotter. | ||
| All we see all day is dudes like, come on, let me fuck you. | ||
| But when the woman's taking charge, it's better. | ||
| You feel better about what you're watching. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They get jaded, though. | ||
| I used to know some guys from martial arts that used to do male stripping, and they get real jaded. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they get real weirded out by it after a while. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Women screaming at you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of ladies looking to cheat on their man. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And maybe the first day it's fun, but after a while you're like, ah. | ||
| And then... | ||
| This is somebody's aunt. | ||
| The other thing comes is that guys want to hire them. | ||
| Guys want to hire them to strip, and then they have to make these decisions. | ||
| Like, okay, how much do I let them touch my butt? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's funny when gay guys around, a guy turns into like the woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| He's like, hey, respect me! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| The roles are reversed. | ||
| Well, it's... | ||
| It's all guys. | ||
| It's guys being a problem. | ||
| It's always guys. | ||
| Yeah, it's always guys being a problem. | ||
| You should see my DMs, man. | ||
| It's just ball sacks and dick jerking and gay dudes. | ||
| Like hot dudes sometimes who are just like, hey, the things I would drain your asshole and this and that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I find it flattering. | ||
| Why do you think they're going after you? | ||
| I think I got a Twinkie otter vibe, you know? | ||
| Otter? | ||
| That's one of those gay terms. | ||
| They got otter, bear. | ||
| I knew about bear. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch. | ||
| J-Mo, you know them all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a whole zoo full of- What's an otter? | |
| Otter's like a thin, medium-sized guy. | ||
| Oh, you're a medium-sized guy. | ||
| Like, the little guy would be like a twink. | ||
| I don't know what Brad Williams would be. | ||
| He'd be like a Hershey's Kiss or something. | ||
| Koala bear. | ||
| There you go! | ||
| Yeah, he does have chlamydia. | ||
| Koala bears have chlamydia? | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| True story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Google! | |
| Imagine if that's where chlamydia came from. | ||
| Somebody had to fuck a koala bear. | ||
| Well, apparently we got AIDS from a monkey, so maybe koala gave us chlamyd. | ||
| Do you know where that actually comes from? | ||
| It's not from someone fucking a monkey. | ||
| A bite? | ||
| No, it was someone who hunted a monkey. | ||
| Handjob? | ||
| No, cut the monkey and cut his hand and got monkey blood in his hand while he was butchering a monkey. | ||
| Oh, that makes more sense. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because who's fucking a monkey? | ||
| David Chappelle had a bit about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember that. | |
| 100% infection rate. | ||
| 100%! | ||
| Wild fucking... | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| Wild koalas have 100% infection rate of chlamydia. | ||
| For two decades, scientists have brought wild koalas into wildlife hospitals to treat their chlamydia with antibiotics. | ||
| I've had chlamydia six times in my life. | ||
| Can't we give them a penicillin shot? | ||
| Well, they'd have to go grab all of them. | ||
| Well, you know, they're... | ||
| Really in deep, deep trouble because of the wildfires in Australia. | ||
| They said that something like 80% of their habitat's been destroyed. | ||
| The fires over there are insane. | ||
| I did a benefit Sunday night with Monty Franklin, Whitney Cummings, and Jim Jeffries. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| We did a benefit for the wildlife fires. | ||
| Jeffries must be getting his door knocked down with that shit. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure, yeah. | ||
| Well, Monty Franklin's Australian as well. | ||
| This was a double Australian, double American card. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a fun show. | ||
| But when you see the devastation, it's crazy. | ||
| 70% of Australia is covered in smoke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| 70%. | ||
| And it's as big as the United States. | ||
| Ah, that's a bummer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And they basically have no way of stopping it. | ||
| I mean, unless the rains put it out or it burns all the way to the coast. | ||
| Yeah, it's a stupid question, but what is the money going to do? | ||
| I know it helps people who are burned. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's for wildlife. | |
| The money is all for wildlife. | ||
| A lot of them have been burned. | ||
| They had a little bit of a presentation. | ||
| Some of them they've rescued, and they have to put them back into suitable habitat. | ||
| The money is going to wildlife. | ||
| I mean, you're not going to fix... | ||
| The devastation by the fire in terms of the plants and the houses and stuff like that. | ||
| You can only hope those people whose homes burnt down had some sort of insurance, but how much fucking insurance money is there? | ||
| So many houses got wrecked. | ||
| What is the number now? | ||
| How many houses have been burnt to the ground in Australia currently? | ||
| Yeah, because all you hear about is the animals. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's a billion animals. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| A billion animals are dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So this will be in history books. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Dude, just think about a fucking billion animals are dead from a fire. | ||
| I mean, that's insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's going to change the ecosystem. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Though the ecosystem over there is weird anyway. | ||
| Oh, they got spiders that kill birds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| They have a bunch of shit that's not supposed to be there, too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So many of their animals are invasive species. | ||
| What about the aborigines? | ||
| Because they live in huts and shit, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
| Yeah, I mean, what about them, right? | ||
| I didn't even think about that. | ||
| They're fucked. | ||
| I don't think they live in huts for the most part. | ||
| I think a lot of them live in normal communities. | ||
| You probably did. | ||
| Crocodile Dundee. | ||
| That's all I know. | ||
| That and Arch Barker. | ||
| They have so many different languages, the Aborigines do, that they could go like 20 miles away and not have any idea what those guys over there are saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And most of those languages aren't even written down, apparently. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My buddy Adam Greentree is from Australia, and he runs a mining company. | ||
| And they hire a lot of the folks that are Aborigines. | ||
| And, you know, he's gotten to be very close with a lot of them and kind of gotten to know their culture and understand their culture. | ||
| It's really, really strange. | ||
| They're scattered all over the country, and so many of them have, they call them mobs, like a tribe is a mob, and they have a different language than another mob that's like 30 miles away. | ||
| Are they dangerous? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like, do they fight each other and stuff? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I went to Australia for the Melbourne Comedy Fest, and I was bummed at how not different it was. | ||
| It's not that different. | ||
| From America? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, Melbourne's real close. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Fantastic food. | ||
| Great food, great place, great people. | ||
| That laugh lounge is awesome, too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, good club. | ||
| Great club. | ||
| Great comics over there, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very good. | |
| They're into it. | ||
| Very good. | ||
| Although, they didn't like the dark stuff, I noticed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, well, I think there's so much... | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| There's so much... | ||
| That coffee, man. | ||
| That turmeric is going right up my asshole. | ||
| Laird Hamilton superfood. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Love to watch him masturbate. | ||
| But yeah, the audiences there were very tense when I got dark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I think because they have some real racial problems and they're kind of behind the times a little bit on stuff. | ||
| So I think they're like, hey, look, that shit's happening. | ||
| We're not laughing at it yet. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, you know, in the 1950s, just, I mean, not that long ago, they were actually taking Aboriginal babies from the parents and trying to raise them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, at least that's good intent. | ||
| They should have probably asked first. | ||
| Oh, they just took them? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not that informed, but some Australian people were trying to explain to me how the relations are very fucked up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wow, so the Aborigines get their babies stolen by honkies. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| In a weird way, the mom's got to kind of be like, well, it's a better life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think so. | |
| They got a TV. I think she misses her mom. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you're right. | ||
| She misses her daughter. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Either way, donate to the chlamydia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So how many houses have been burnt down? | ||
| Do they even know? | ||
| I probably don't know exactly. | ||
| I saw one thing that said in New South Wales alone there was 3,000 houses, but another thing said that that was the number. | ||
| So I don't know if it's 3,000 total or just in that area. | ||
| That's not too bad. | ||
| It could be worse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, 3,000. | ||
| I mean, there were 600 last year just in Malibu. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, the fires. | ||
| Water can fuck you. | ||
| Fire can fuck you. | ||
| Everything can fuck you. | ||
| Everything can fuck you. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| How long do we stop saying that's fire? | ||
| That's going to be insensitive after a while. | ||
| Yeah, everything's going to be insensitive. | ||
| Well, if we let people, let the woke brigade keep taking away words. | ||
| We'll be down to grunts and pointing at things. | ||
| Everything will be offensive. | ||
| Because if you keep progressing, something's got to stop. | ||
| Everything goes. | ||
| Everything goes, eventually. | ||
| And then even grunts and pointing at things will be offensive to people who are deaf who use sign language. | ||
| Because now you're culturally appropriating from sign language people. | ||
| I was driving here on the highway and I thought, man, the carpool lane's insensitive to lonely single people. | ||
| Like, what if you don't have a friend? | ||
| What if I don't know a guy? | ||
| You get an electric vehicle. | ||
| You can ride in the carpool lane. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| There's the loophole for the losers out there. | ||
| Oh, it's one of the best reasons to have a Tesla. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get that fucking left lane, baby. | ||
| So many Teslas in this town. | ||
| This is such a wacky, backwards la-la land over here. | ||
| Oh, it is. | ||
| Chipotle's got a fucking valet in L.A. Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I went twice today. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I love Chipotle. | ||
| It's wacky. | ||
| It's wacky, man. | ||
| I mean, it's so beautiful. | ||
| I was telling him, I'm pitching a show again that'll never sell, but I went to Fox a lot, and it's all these good-looking girls with their shoes kicked off, laying on a picnic table, drinking a coffee. | ||
| I'm like, you don't know what you got, whore! | ||
| This is an amazing life! | ||
| You don't have any respect and any gratefulness and appreciation. | ||
| How do you know they don't? | ||
| They're just enjoying the day. | ||
| She's going, ah, my phone is not working fast enough. | ||
| I hate her! | ||
| Fucking God! | ||
| I live in New York. | ||
| We're all up each other's ass. | ||
| There's a rat on my dick. | ||
| It's five degrees outside. | ||
| My apartment's the size of J-Mo's asshole. | ||
| I'm fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And these gals are kicking their feet up. | ||
| Who's J-Mo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me. | |
| Oh, you. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I thought it was a new girl that I don't know about. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Some new it lady. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| My favorite video in New York is the rat that's killing the pigeon. | ||
| Did you ever see that video? | ||
| No, I never saw that. | ||
| I saw Pizza Rat. | ||
| Yeah, Pizza Rat ain't shit on pigeon killing rat. | ||
| The fucking rat's killing a pigeon. | ||
| Wow, it's like the woke brigade. | ||
| They're attacking each other. | ||
| Yeah, very similar. | ||
| Taking the pigeon down and attacking it. | ||
| The pigeon tries to flood away and the rat fucking chases it. | ||
| I didn't know rats were predatory. | ||
| I thought they were mostly just scavengers. | ||
| I didn't know they would actually go after a live thing and attack it and kill it. | ||
| Yeah, desperation, man. | ||
| Was it in the subway area or was it on the street? | ||
| I think it was on the street, because I don't think pigeons actually go into the subway. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| For the most part. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Unless they get fucked over and they don't know how to get out. | ||
| Seen a few in an airport before. | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| So here's this pigeon, and this rat is trying to walk off with this fucking pigeon. | ||
| And it's as big as him. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| Bitch-ass pigeon, though. | ||
| Like, come on, flap it up! | ||
| Well, they have some big fucking teeth, these cunty rats. | ||
| You know, they never stop... | ||
| It's got them by the neck. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| They never stop growing rats' teeth. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they have to keep... | ||
| That's why they're always gnawing, because they're partly filing them down. | ||
| Give it a gook! | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I know any more animal facts than you. | ||
| I actually do remember that, now that you bring that up. | ||
| Ah, sure you do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice pull there, Jojo Rabbit. | |
| Look at this fucking thing. | ||
| And the pigeon gets away at one point, slightly right there. | ||
| But look at him. | ||
| Chase it down. | ||
| Chase like, no, no, no, bitch. | ||
| No, no, no, bitch. | ||
| Get the fuck over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| The pigeon's so damaged, it can't get away totally. | ||
| It can't fly. | ||
| So eventually he drags it through the hole in the fence and fucks it up. | ||
| That's the scariest when you go into their lair. | ||
| And the pigeon knows that. | ||
| He's like, I can't get off the street. | ||
| Look at it, it's mounting him. | ||
| It's got his back, a bite in the back of his head. | ||
| That's like Khabib. | ||
| Yeah, very similar. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Just can't get away, he's smashing you. | ||
| I just didn't know they killed things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought they only just ate stuff that was laying around, and I thought there was so much food in New York City, they were just running around eating everything. | ||
| They eat each other. | ||
| I do know that. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I do know that because I had a trap. | ||
| I lived in Encino, and I was renting this house, and the house had a lot of rats. | ||
| And I leave my garbage in the garage and put it out in the morning, and I was seeing these rats. | ||
| So I set a trap. | ||
| Not mice, rats. | ||
| Fucking rats. | ||
| Big rats. | ||
| So I hear, snap! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Snap! | |
| So I go out to check and there's a fat boy that's got his head crushed in this trap. | ||
| I mean, he's dead as fuck. | ||
| So I'm like, okay, I'll just get it in the morning. | ||
| I don't want to deal with that right now. | ||
| So I get up in the morning and the only thing that's left is the tail. | ||
| They ate everything. | ||
| They ate everything. | ||
| There was like the feet. | ||
| And the tail. | ||
| All the guts, the body, the spinal cord, everything. | ||
| It was just like a stain and the tail. | ||
| So rat tails are so disgusting that even rats don't eat rat tails. | ||
| There's a lesson there. | ||
| You hear that, rednecks? | ||
| Get rid of those rat tails. | ||
| I'm talking to you, Theo Vaughn. | ||
| Here's the move. | ||
| You poison a rat, then get it in the trap, then they eat the rat, then they get poisoned. | ||
| That could be something. | ||
| Yeah, you could. | ||
| But the problem with poisoning rats is a lot of times it doesn't kill them immediately, and then coyotes get it, and then they get poisoned, and then mountain lions kill the poisoned coyotes. | ||
| Or they kill the rats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So owls also get killed by rat poison. | ||
| It's a real problem with owls. | ||
| Because a lot of people leave rat poison outside their house. | ||
| And then the rats eat the poison. | ||
| They get weakened. | ||
| Then the owl comes in and eats them. | ||
| Circle of life. | ||
| Circle of life. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| You lived in New York? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You had mice, I'm sure. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I lived in New Rochelle, though. | ||
| I never lived in the city. | ||
| I couldn't afford to live in the city when I lived up there. | ||
| It's right next to the Bronx. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, those mice, man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Mice are everywhere. | ||
| They're brutal, and they really... | ||
| I'm so scared of them. | ||
| I know it's like a wussy thing, but when they're running around, I just jump up on the table. | ||
| Yeah, I can't handle it. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| I have to call a masculine friend to help me. | ||
| Even when they're on the trap screaming, I don't know what to do. | ||
| I take a broomstick, I stick it to the sticky trap, and then I go outside and put it in the garbage can. | ||
| While they're still alive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you let them just suffocate out there or whatever? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that's on them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck them. | |
| You figure it out. | ||
| It's a weird system, right? | ||
| The ecosystem of rats and mice and humans. | ||
| It's a strange thing. | ||
| There's a lot of them. | ||
| And they've killed us with the plague. | ||
| Apparently that was all rats. | ||
| Well, it's the fleas, really. | ||
| Fleas from, I think, Crimea came over on boats attached to rats, and then the rats ran through Europe and fucked everybody up. | ||
| Crimea River. | ||
| You can't help yourself. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I love words. | ||
| Did you ever see the Netflix documentary called Rats? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my god, you have to. | ||
| I don't know if I want to. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| You just go, what? | ||
| First of all, they all have diseases. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| I mean, you just don't come in contact with them. | ||
| But if they bit you, you're fucked. | ||
| Most rats are fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They did all these tests on rats in different parts of the country, too. | ||
| And New York City is... | ||
| I think they said... | ||
| It's either the number of rats is the same as the number of people that live in New York City or the biomass. | ||
| I'm not sure which one, but both of them are equally terrifying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it's the biomass, it's actually more terrifying, right? | ||
| Because it means there's so many rats that it's the same mass of bodies as there are of human beings. | ||
| But I don't think they really know. | ||
| I mean, are there any fucking surveyors down there in the subways? | ||
| How do they know? | ||
| How could you know? | ||
| Also, if you measure the weight of all human beings and all ants, it's even. | ||
| Yeah, I know that. | ||
| Oh, damn! | ||
| I thought I had you again. | ||
| No, I knew that one. | ||
| I love a fun fact. | ||
| That's a weird one, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ants are freaky, too, man. | ||
| They said if an ant was our size, it would be faster than a Ferrari. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Give it a gook! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Callen, at one point in time, Brian Callen wanted to be, what is it, what's the type of person who studies? | ||
| Entomologist. | ||
| Entomologists? | ||
| Is that like phrases? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Etymology is words. | ||
| Entomology is study of insects. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, and so he did some time in the jungle. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And they'd have to put turpentine all over the posts of these platforms that the tents would be on because there were so many ants on the jungle floor that he said he was lying in bed. | ||
| You could hear the ants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Ah! | ||
| You can hear them walking. | ||
| In sync. | ||
| Yeah, and when they get on something, there's so many of them. | ||
| Yeah, they swarm. | ||
| They kill elephants. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| They climb up the elephant's body and go right into its ear and just start eating its brain. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Man, what can an elephant do? | ||
| Fucking nothing. | ||
| It doesn't take it. | ||
| It doesn't have hands to move it. | ||
| It's not a goddamn thing it can do. | ||
| Unless it's really close to a giant river and it can jump in and try to drown those little cunts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Brutal. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| What a way to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| We've lived as human. | ||
| How did we survive primitively? | ||
| Well, we got lucky, but then we got smart, and when we got smart, then we started overpopulating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because then we figured out all these different ways that nature was kind of keeping our bodies in check, keeping our numbers in check. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| You know, like we have systems for rats and mice and all these different things to keep them in check. | ||
| Well, nature sort of had a way to keep humans in check. | ||
| Predators, diseases, starvation, injury. | ||
| So you're saying we beat nature? | ||
| We beat nature. | ||
| Which is probably why we're so fucked up mentally, because we're not supposed to beat nature. | ||
| Well, we're a little too safe, for sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| We're all contained in these buildings where no predators can get assed. | ||
| We all get doughy like little fucking human water balloons. | ||
| Right, and one inkling of discomfort, and we have to fix it and work on it, bitch. | ||
| We complain. | ||
| Yeah, we're getting our jaw shaved down to look prettier. | ||
| Just digging through rats in New York. | ||
| They don't know how many there are. | ||
| There's a system of 250,000 to tens of millions. | ||
| But this is a new trap that was put out in Brooklyn. | ||
| This is a video of them, I guess, testing it. | ||
| It's an alcohol trap where they fall into this bucket of alcohol and they drown. | ||
| And here in the video, that's why I'm showing it, they open up these buckets. | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| It's filled with dead rats. | ||
| So it works. | ||
| These guys have to touch these things. | ||
| I wouldn't trust it with just little rubber gloves on. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| And so it's just full of dead rats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can we use those? | |
| We should be able to use those for something. | ||
| For fuel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, burn them to heat your house. | ||
| Might as well. | ||
| Yeah, why can't they? | ||
| Look at them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scoop it out. | |
| Oh, good size. | ||
| It's a good size. | ||
| Decent. | ||
| Decent size. | ||
| Like at least feed jungle or what are you, zoo animals or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like a snake. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you gotta use the buffalo. | ||
| But, you know, the coronavirus, the Wuhan coronavirus, whatever it is, they think that came from snakes. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Maybe that's what happened in China. | ||
| Maybe they fed a fucking rat to a snake, and next thing you know, Jed's a millionaire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Jamie actually has a conspiracy theory about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know? | |
| Whoa. | ||
| I didn't make this up. | ||
| I know you hate Asians. | ||
| I just read it online. | ||
| Well, I'm saying you have one. | ||
| I mean, I'm not saying that it's like you've been putting it out there. | ||
| It's like it's mine in my back pocket of conspiracy theories. | ||
| What is the conspiracy theory? | ||
| Was that there's some sort of a bioweapons thing? | ||
| Yeah, I'll Google it. | ||
| I'm so glad I never got bitten by the conspiracy bug. | ||
| A biolab for the most dangerous pathogens on earth. | ||
| Well, the Chinese have always got something cooking. | ||
| They're ahead of us. | ||
| In a lot of ways. | ||
| Every way. | ||
| Maybe comedically we got them. | ||
| Yeah, but we don't even know because we don't speak their language. | ||
| Ah, that's a good point. | ||
| Maybe their comedy is, like, because of the language structure, maybe their comedy is way better. | ||
| Well, they've got more words and letters and characters, but I've been over there to their comedy clubs in Shanghai, and they weren't great. | ||
| China built a lab to study SARS and Ebola in Wuhan, and the U.S. biosafety experts warned in 2017 that a virus could escape the facility that's become key in fighting the outbreak. | ||
| But wait a minute, what is this article from? | ||
| The Daily Mail? | ||
| I just found a place that had the best headline and a place for you to read it. | ||
| Daily Mail's a wee bit suspect, lad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A wee bit suspect. | ||
| A little bit outrageous with their captions. | ||
| A little bit clickbaity. | ||
| Well, everything's clickbaity now. | ||
| They kind of have to be, man. | ||
| I mean, that's how they make money. | ||
| Sure, but where's the integrity? | ||
| How do you sleep at night? | ||
| They sleep on a pile of money. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| This is the Chinese website for it. | ||
| Academy of Sciences, Large Research Infrastructures per User Surface Platform. | ||
| It's translated from Chinese. | ||
| Oh, I guess so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wuhan National Biosafety Laboratory. | ||
| Look, they have an award. | ||
| Look, we have an award. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I love when people stand by awards. | ||
| Like, look, look, we are better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's a weird picture, right? | ||
| Two people standing there holding an award. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look what we won. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We're flossing. | ||
| You don't do corporate gigs anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Well, I did one over the holidays because I had like seven of them. | ||
| They pay amazing. | ||
| I had to wear a tuxedo. | ||
| I did a pharmaceutical awards. | ||
| I got fired within 15 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was supposed to be three hours. | |
| There's such queefs over there. | ||
| It's a ballroom, round tables, tuxedo, beautiful hotel in Philly. | ||
| They got me a limo out there. | ||
| Crazy money. | ||
| And I was supposed to, you know, like Ricky Gervais the whole thing. | ||
| You know, be an awards guy, present it, talk to him, have a speech. | ||
| And... | ||
| I just did my clean act, the act I used to open for Seinfeld, and a lady got offended, and it happened to be the CEO's wife. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And she bitched him out, and then he bitched me out, and they fired me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's pay anyway? | ||
| I got paid. | ||
| When? | ||
| Yeah, but it's just disheartening. | ||
| You go, hey, twats, these jokes have worked on The Tonight Show. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| Yeah, the Tonight Show's pretty milked. | ||
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Squeaky! | |
| Pretty squeaky. | ||
| Now, how far along were you? | ||
| You said 15 minutes into your act. | ||
| Were you ramping up the offensiveness? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, I do 15 minutes of jokes out of the gate to open it, and then you do the awards for the whole thing's like two and a half hours. | ||
| And I had a stack of cards like, Trisobadibadoo wins for best whatever, muscle relaxer. | ||
| So what did the guy say to you when he fired you? | ||
| He said, my wife is offended. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| It was offensive to women. | ||
| I did a joke about vibrators. | ||
| And he was like, you gotta get out of here. | ||
| That's offensive to women? | ||
| I know! | ||
| The joke is how the vibrator's better than me, you know? | ||
| Like, I'm the loser. | ||
| Why is that offensive? | ||
| I think she was looking for something. | ||
| And maybe they haven't fucked in six years. | ||
| It's always some deep-rooted thing. | ||
| And she's drinking, and she's on Adderall, and she's like, off with his head! | ||
| I can't do that, I'll just fire him. | ||
| Exactly, and firing me is a fun power move. | ||
| It gets you ramped up, look what I can do, look at the power I wield. | ||
| Right, and then she tells all her friends, you know, I fired the comedian. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| What a piece of shit he is. | ||
| Mark Norman, don't ever go to a show. | ||
| I can't tell you how many emails I got. | ||
| Hey, I thought you were funny. | ||
| When you're coming to Helium, I'm coming. | ||
| I couldn't laugh next to my boss. | ||
| And I was like, God, you idiots. | ||
| Have some balls. | ||
| Live it in that world, man. | ||
| That corporate world. | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, you're all drug dealers. | ||
| You sell drugs and you're mad at me for making a yuck-em-up? | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| We're all backwards, priority-wise. | ||
| You make a coronavirus joke, nobody cares. | ||
| You make a Kobe joke and you're the devil. | ||
| But it's like, way more people died with corona. | ||
| I'm not saying either one is... | ||
| It's a person. | ||
| It's a person. | ||
| I guess that's what it is. | ||
| Plus, there's the cult of personality, famous person, well-loved, and then died with his daughter, and then died with six other people. | ||
| There's a lot of things. | ||
| I guess you're right. | ||
| But isn't that all fascinating? | ||
| Because your body knows immediately. | ||
| Oh, that was too far. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| Well, wasn't that something that Stalin said, that one death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic? | ||
| Oh, I like that. | ||
| Was that Stalin? | ||
| It was Stalin or someone in World War II. I think it was Stalin. | ||
| But it's, yeah, we get lost in numbers. | ||
| Like, when someone says, like, the universe is 14 billion years old, you're like, okay... | ||
| What does that even mean? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's in my head, and it's just like, a bunch of zeros. | ||
| Also, Kobe was here, and China's a zillion miles away. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's in your backyard kind of thing. | ||
| Well, here's a statistic you probably didn't know. | ||
| 50 people die every year in swimming pools. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Just in the United States. | ||
| That seems got to be more than that. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
50? | |
| Yeah, we're getting better. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| 5-0. | ||
| But every day. | ||
| Well, how about gun deaths? | ||
| I bet a swimming pool is more dangerous than a gun in the home. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I don't think 50 people die every day from guns. | ||
| You said every year. | ||
| You meant every day. | ||
| Did I say every year? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's what I was going to say. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| 50 in L.A. alone. | ||
| Yeah, I need more coffee. | ||
| Yeah, every day. | ||
| Thank you, Jamie. | ||
| 50 a day. | ||
| 50 a day in swimming pools. | ||
| Want to hear another good one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 150 people die every year because coconuts fall on their heads. | ||
| Oh, that's a cartoon. | ||
| That's classic. | ||
| You just picture that lump coming up, you know? | ||
| I think that's worldwide, though. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I mean, how do you do the funeral for that one? | ||
| You just go, well, what are you going to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Coconuts. | ||
| Coconut will fuck you up, man. | ||
| On one of those really tall trees. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know, it's a big one in New York. | ||
| The AC falls on people. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| That happens all the time. | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And cows kill more people than sharks a year. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Sharks are... | ||
| It's almost like black people where it's just sexier to talk about it, you know? | ||
| But the cows are actually the ones killing more people. | ||
| Cows kill more people than sharks. | ||
| Give it a goog. | ||
| The coconut thing might be an exaggerated situation. | ||
| You shut your mouth. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Shut your mouth. | ||
| There's a whole Wikipedia thing. | ||
| Yeah, I've gone through that. | ||
| Yeah, they don't really know. | ||
| Well, some days people get better at it. | ||
| They wear helmets. | ||
| They avoid the trees. | ||
| Some years. | ||
| Why not wear a helmet every day? | ||
| Well, they're probably poor and they want a coconut. | ||
| Yeah, I guess it's a good point. | ||
| If you're trying to climb a tree and the coconut just nails you halfway down and then you fall, that's a double whammy. | ||
| Good point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good point. | |
| Right? | ||
| Bonk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Splat. | ||
| It feels like a 70s arcade game, you know? | ||
| Have you seen those guys climb the trees? | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Those guys get up high, too. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| And they're basically just clinging. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And pulling themselves and clinging and pulling themselves. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I saw a video of these guys in the Amazon climbing trees, and it's like, what the fuck? | ||
| They were kids. | ||
| They were like 12-year-old kids, and they were 200 feet in the air. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just shimmying their way up this tree. | ||
| Like, goddamn. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| I wonder if they'll evolve differently, because it's a different muscles. | ||
| Well, you know what it is? | ||
| They're feet. | ||
| Are much stronger and they look different. | ||
| Have you ever seen what happens when people walk barefoot in the jungle all the time? | ||
| Their feet spread out. | ||
| Their fingers spread out like hands. | ||
| Their feet look really weird, man. | ||
| They splay out. | ||
| Our feet are like they're in a cast because we're in shoes all the time. | ||
| But their feet actually go out in directions. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Their big toes point left and right, and then everything else sort of goes out when you spread your fingers. | ||
| Jamie, find me some jungle bear feet, because it's creepy. | ||
| I was taught this by my friend Steve Rinella, who went to Guyana and was hanging out with these people in the jungle, and he was like, you can't recognize their feet. | ||
| It's like, what is going on with your feet? | ||
| They're unrecognizable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because, look, that's their feet. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh, wow! | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It looks like a webbed foot, like a duck. | ||
| It says, the Amazon tribe that kills and eats monkeys. | ||
| Well, you should say all Amazon tribes that have access to monkeys, because apparently they love monkeys. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| But, yeah, look at his feet, man. | ||
| But go to that one picture. | ||
| Like, look at that. | ||
| That is insane, man. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| It's because they're always gripping the surface of the ground, so they develop all this strength... | ||
| And thickness. | ||
| Like, look how thick their toes are. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Doesn't that left side monkey look like it's got its dong? | ||
| It does look like its dong. | ||
| It's like perfect positioning. | ||
| It's real weird, right? | ||
| They look a lot like when you see primates, other than the primates have that little thumb. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You know what would be interesting is to cut one of them open and then cut you open. | ||
| How much more shit you would have in you? | ||
| Because you eat all this process... | ||
| I mean, you eat still pretty well, but they've never had caffeine, they've never had a drop of alcohol, never had a cigarette, never had a hamburger. | ||
| They would just be pink, I bet. | ||
| They eat a lot of monkeys, though. | ||
| Ah, that's all natural. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Except for the AIDS. I don't think you get AIDS from those monkeys. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I think you gotta go to Africa. | ||
| I think it's actually, I think it's chimps more than it is monkeys. | ||
| It's so weird, though, the feet thing. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, there was a great Radiolab episode. | ||
| Oh, I love Radiolab. | ||
| Yeah, it's an awesome podcast, but on Patient Zero, where they were trying to figure out what How did HIV come from? | ||
| Who was the first person to get it? | ||
| And they think they narrowed it down to a hunter that had killed. | ||
| Because they do something called bushmeat in a lot of these really poor areas where they basically just shoot everything and just chop it up and whatever you can eat. | ||
| Whether it's a monkey or a giraffe or whatever the fuck you kill. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah, those are tough people. | ||
| Those naked and afraids, even. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know if I can do it. | ||
| Naked and afraid. | ||
| They can kiss my ass. | ||
| Those people probably get all kinds of crazy fucking parasites. | ||
| Yeah, bug bites and food poisoning. | ||
| They eat berries and pond water and shit. | ||
| Dickfish. | ||
| Fish that swim up your dickhole. | ||
| Do you know that that's real? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, there's certain, especially in the Amazon... | ||
| If you urinate in the water in the Amazon, there's certain little tiny fish that are actually attracted to the smell and the temperature of your urine. | ||
| And they'll fly up the old pee hole and make their way into your cock. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Can you pee it out while it's going up? | ||
| I don't think you can. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Those are cockfish. | ||
| River monster. | ||
| Fish swims up your urine stream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Little fucker. | ||
| Candaroo or something. | ||
| Yeah, and look, he's got teeth. | ||
| Look at him on the left-hand side, Jimmy, the mouth. | ||
| He's just chewing away. | ||
| He looks like a dick. | ||
| He's trying to blow you from the inside. | ||
| You ever hear that old Chinese torture where they get you hard, they hammer a glass spike into your dong, and then they break it. | ||
| So then you piss shattered glass. | ||
| That's a Chinese torture? | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| How do they get you hard? | ||
| Ah, there's ways, you know, you bring a lady in or a small boy. | ||
| You know, you do what you gotta do. | ||
| Or a pile of money. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So who are you voting for? | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| What a whirlwind you're in, huh? | ||
| Strange. | ||
| Strange to watch it take place because it's so obvious what it is. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're using me to make him look bad that he supports me or that he used my endorsement. | ||
| I had no idea they were going to do that either. | ||
| The Bernie Sanders people just... | ||
| And all I said is I'm probably going to vote for him. | ||
| I said I like Tulsi Gabbard. | ||
| I really love her. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I love Andrew Yang. | ||
| Those are the people that I think... | ||
| And look, here's a really important point. | ||
| I'm a fucking moron. | ||
| If you're basing who you're going to vote for president based on mine, like what I like, I'm not that balls deep into this stuff. | ||
| I'm not the guy. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| This is a little out of left field, but how much of this is based on your look? | ||
| If you weren't a muscular, bald-headed white guy, I don't know if this would be... | ||
| I bet this would be a different game. | ||
| Well, it's easy to paint me as a douchebag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And also, what's really funny is the thing that I said in the video... | ||
| Was exactly what they did. | ||
| I said, if you just take the worst aspects of someone, take out everything else, magnify it, and you can paint them out to be a real piece of shit. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I have 10 techs today. | ||
| But what I said is that it's hard to do that with Bernie, because he's a really consistent guy. | ||
| He's the real deal. | ||
| He was out in the front lines in the 60s with the civil rights. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Getting chained to people and Getting arrested. | ||
| Yeah, he was. | ||
| That doesn't mean he's going to be a great president. | ||
| No, of course not. | ||
| I don't know what's required to be a president. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| And I don't understand what's required to make sure the economy functions correctly. | ||
| And also, I don't understand what's required to make the military function correctly. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's just guesswork. | ||
| I mean, maybe we're better off with Trump. | ||
| Maybe we're better off with someone else. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But what was fascinating to me was that These people, like fucking CNN, printed something saying that I was homophobic and transphobic. | ||
| And there's a clip that they're using that's completely out of context. | ||
| As far as trans people, some trans people listening to this, I got nothing but love for you. | ||
| For everybody. | ||
| And in fact, Eddie Izzard is one of my all-time favorite guests. | ||
| Oh, I love Izzard. | ||
| He's one of the most inspirational and brilliant people I've ever met. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| And he's probably one of the most public trans people and the first most public celebrities to go trans. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| But this had to do with fighting. | ||
| This had to do with a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's what it is. | |
| This was what I was saying, and the video that they're using was me saying, you're a fucking man. | ||
| Definitely shouldn't use those words, but this is why I was upset. | ||
| There was a guy, this person was a man for 30 years, transitioned to become a woman for two years, and then started fighting women in MMA and didn't tell them that she used to be a man. | ||
| And was smashing girls. | ||
| She literally broke this girl's skull. | ||
| Like, broke her face. | ||
| And was kind of bragging about it. | ||
| Like, she was, you know, she was hyping up her MMA career, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then people found out that she was a trans woman, and she used to be a man, and she said that she didn't have to disclose that because it was a medical procedure, and it had nothing to do, it wasn't their business. | ||
| Very shady. | ||
| I was like, bullshit. | ||
| Now, here's the thing. | ||
| If she disclosed it, and everyone knew, I'm 100% in favor of it. | ||
| If you want to do that, if you're a woman and it's your choice to fight a trans woman and see how you do, and in fact, a woman who eventually went and fought in the UFC, a girl named Ashley Evans-Smith, who's a really good fighter, UFC-caliber fighter, unlike this other woman who was the trans woman, that trans woman was just really strong. | ||
| She wasn't the same caliber as a world-class martial artist. | ||
| Ashley Evans-Smith actually wound up beating her. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| And then she fought in the UFC afterwards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Can we see a photo of this gal? | ||
| It's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I just want to know, does it look like a dude? | |
| A little... | ||
| They couldn't tell? | ||
| A masculine woman. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know? | ||
| When he was a dude, he looked like a guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like a bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then when he became a woman, he looked, you know, like a... | ||
| Yeah, definitely you could say he was a woman. | ||
| A dude lady. | ||
| But I, you know, I was like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You're a fucking man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And so they take it out. | ||
| He's so transphobic. | ||
| Like, not. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Yeah, you just don't want people to get hurt. | ||
| This has only to do with athletics. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| In terms of your gender identity and who you are and what you want to do, I don't care. | ||
| And specifically my wheelhouse, which is fighting. | ||
| There is a gigantic physical advantage that men have in that particular sport. | ||
| Well, we all know that when a guy hits a girl in the street. | ||
| There's a different vibe than when a girl hits a guy. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| That's what the fights looked like. | ||
| The fights looked like a guy hitting a girl. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And he's also fighting people that aren't that skilled. | ||
| It's a low-level MMA promotion. | ||
| And then when it came out, there was all this outrage. | ||
| But what was really fascinating was how many people were mad at me, but didn't have an equal amount of... | ||
| They weren't equally upset that this woman was deceptive about the fact that she was trans. | ||
| It's bad for the cause. | ||
| If you're really in support of transgender people, it's very bad for the cause if you have a transgender woman that doesn't disclose she's transgender and is beating the fuck out of biological women. | ||
| And here's one of the big problems with it, ultimately. | ||
| The ones who get fucked over are biological women. | ||
| In this whole race to be woke, and including transgender women in female sports, Biological women are the ones getting fucked over. | ||
| When these trans women are winning world records and becoming world champions. | ||
| It's where the rubber meets the road between pragmatic, objective people that are analyzing all the facts and people who want to stick with a woke ideology and they don't want to hear it on the other side. | ||
| So this is the big one that people are calling me out on. | ||
| The other one is the homophobia one is like, come on, man. | ||
| Look, I have nothing but love for gay people. | ||
| Nothing but love. | ||
| I love gay people, but I make fun of them. | ||
| I make fun of me. | ||
| I make fun of my mom. | ||
| I'll make fun of you when you're here. | ||
| I'll make fun of you when you leave. | ||
| It doesn't mean I don't love them. | ||
| Like I was saying before, one of my most popular memes online is in support of gay marriage, and it says, If you hate gay marriage, it's because of one of two reasons. | ||
| Either you're dumb or you're secretly worried that dicks are delicious. | ||
| And that has been shared fucking millions of times. | ||
| In fact, I had a gay strongman in here. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| Yeah, and he was the world's strongest gay. | ||
| And he was talking about, Rob Kearney was talking about how hilarious he thought that was. | ||
| And he had seen that. | ||
| It's one of the first exposures that he had to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're just looking for shit to pin to you. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| It's to marginalize him. | ||
| And it's also people that don't want anyone who's not woke to represent anything on the left. | ||
| If you're going to be on the left, there's a lot of people... | ||
| First of all, I should say this. | ||
| Before I say anything about the blowback, the positive side... | ||
| The support that I've gotten from people because of it has been overwhelming and really heartwarming. | ||
| From great comics and scientists and people that I've had on the podcast, Psychology Today wrote an article about how the media is gaslighting you on me. | ||
| They're trying to paint this guy out to be this monster. | ||
| Have I said stupid shit? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I've done 1,400 plus podcasts, a lot of them high. | ||
| Like a giant percentage of it. | ||
| I said a bunch of stupid shit. | ||
| I couldn't even believe why I was saying it. | ||
| I like to say inappropriate words. | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because it's fun. | ||
| Because we're comics. | ||
| But it might hurt some people. | ||
| Yeah, but some people like it. | ||
| I like saying words you're not supposed to say sometimes. | ||
| But it doesn't mean I'm homophobic or racist or sexist or misogynistic or transphobic. | ||
| These things aren't true. | ||
| I love everybody. | ||
| Literally, if you're a nice person, I will love you. | ||
| I'm cool with everybody. | ||
| The weird thing is they want it to be true. | ||
| It's not even about the justice or helping people. | ||
| It's about nailing a guy down. | ||
| It feels more vindictive and we want to hurt you than it does let's save the world. | ||
| It's more like if you go, I'm actually not. | ||
| They go, ah, whatever. | ||
| Well, there's a couple things going on. | ||
| One, this podcast has gotten way too big and it actually can influence elections. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That's real. | ||
| Do you like that? | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| I don't think I want to have anything to do with politics after this. | ||
| No, same. | ||
| I'm sorry I asked the question. | ||
| No, but I'd rather talk to you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'd rather talk to someone like you than ever talk about this shit. | ||
| And have politicians on and not know whether or not they're full of shit or not. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| I don't know anything about politics. | ||
| I don't follow it. | ||
| People are obsessed. | ||
| It's taking over too much time in your day. | ||
| It burns too many calories. | ||
| People get so passionate about it. | ||
| It's all changing and it's all silly. | ||
| I would love if they revamped the system and made it so there was a council of really smart people who get to decide on things. | ||
| Think tank. | ||
| Get the smartest people in here, not the most likable. | ||
| And give them at least a microdose of mushrooms before they make their decisions. | ||
| I mean, Obama hated gay marriage, but we all like him. | ||
| I don't think he hated gay marriage. | ||
| Or he was against it. | ||
| He was doing that for political reasons, because he was trying to attract a certain amount of people that were on the right. | ||
| And it's a ploy, right? | ||
| They have to play their hands carefully. | ||
| They're playing chess. | ||
| What's the difference, though? | ||
| He could have swayed the election. | ||
| I mean, he was in charge of shit, so he could make policies. | ||
| Well, Hillary Clinton didn't believe in gay marriage until 2013. There you go! | ||
| That's weird! | ||
| But it's not real. | ||
| In their world, the world of politics, they're giving up a pawn. | ||
| They're making a concession. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| And so, what this is, is take me down to make Bernie look bad because Bernie dared to post one of my videos. | ||
| In the meantime, Bernie has surged to number one in the polls. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's number one in the polls and number one for the first time in the betting polls. | ||
| Aha! | ||
| So it's like, look, I don't know if it's good or bad. | ||
| Well, it's like Chappelle. | ||
| Everybody hates Chappelle. | ||
| He's the transphobic guy of the year, whatever. | ||
| He's won the Grammy three years in a row for Best Comedy Album, and he just won the Mark Twain Award. | ||
| So it's like, we talk a big game and we complain and bitch and moan, but I think the real shit's out there. | ||
| Well, even more telling, when Rotten Tomatoes only let five woke critics judge his special, he had a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. | ||
| Then, when they let the general public do it, it jumped up to 99%, which is fucking unheard of. | ||
| I know, and why does anybody go, this is weird, right? | ||
| I mean, we do it, but the people with the big voices and the loudest people are all going, what are you going to do? | ||
| They never chime in on that shit. | ||
| But right now, you are one of the loudest people. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| And here's the other thing. | ||
| Those people that are the other loudest people out there are all being employed by giant companies. | ||
| Ah, is that what it is? | ||
| Now, if you're a part of a giant media company, we don't even have to say any names. | ||
| You have to make arrangements with political parties and candidates. | ||
| They will give you access to candidates, but in exchange, they would like you to run certain stories. | ||
| They would like you to cover things. | ||
| They would like you to not cover other things. | ||
| I mean, you're seeing this anti-Bernie Sanders push across the board. | ||
| Hillary Clinton just came out and said that she thinks nobody likes him. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She said that. | |
| Why would you say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| The guy campaigned for you. | ||
| What are you, an eight-year-old? | ||
| Nobody likes him. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| And she said that he's a career politician. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Were you involved in industry before this? | ||
| Did you manufacture televisions? | ||
| What did you do before? | ||
| You were a lawyer for a little bit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Aren't you a career politician? | ||
| Your husband's clearly a career politician. | ||
| It's a crazy thing to say. | ||
| And then, you know, there's like a lot of people that are in support of Elizabeth Warren that were trying to push the narrative that Bernie Sanders is sexist. | ||
| This helps that narrative. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Because Elizabeth Warren was saying that. | ||
| She said that he had said to her that a woman could never be president. | ||
| Did you ever see that exchange where the two of them were on CNN? I heard about it. | ||
| I try not to watch anything. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| So this is what it's been for me, just to watch all this play out. | ||
| This is the first time I've seen you rattled, by the way. | ||
| You're usually cool as a cucumber. | ||
| You look a little verklempt. | ||
| I just want to make sure that I say it the way I think it. | ||
| All right, get it out. | ||
| But that's why, if I look rattled. | ||
| It's okay to be rattled. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| The positive thing has been the outpouring of support by so many people. | ||
| Overwhelming. | ||
| And then the support to negatives, the ratio is incredible. | ||
| So it's awesome. | ||
| Well, the good news is everyone who knows you likes you. | ||
| All the people who are saying shit have probably never met you or don't even listen to the pod. | ||
| Well, even listening to the podcast, you don't know me that well, but this is a part of the problem with human beings communicating through social media. | ||
| Social media is the worst way, like Twitter or something like that is the worst way to either know someone, express a feeling, or show any compassion. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And this is one of the reasons why cancel culture is so ripe. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because this is the best way to cancel something. | ||
| Through a tweet. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at how many comics did that with Louis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| After the Louis C.K. thing went down, there was a bunch of comics that were like, now's my chance. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm going to move up the ladder. | ||
| And Tim Dillon posted this awesome Instagram post about that, like recognizing that. | ||
| Like, let's see what this is. | ||
| A lot of these people that are virtue signaling, these insanely mediocre, untalented comedians... | ||
| It tends to be. | ||
| You don't see Michelle Wolf or Michael Che and all this shit. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Especially when the leaked audio came out. | ||
| People are like, oh, he's leaning into it. | ||
| He's all right now. | ||
| Listen, Louis C.K. has always said the most inappropriate shit that's funny. | ||
| Go back and you guys aren't even fans. | ||
| Well, when you tweet, the remorse is much smaller. | ||
| Like canceling a guy through the computer, you're not going to feel as much guilt and shame and meanness. | ||
| You don't feel anything. | ||
| It's through a keyboard. | ||
| You don't feel anything. | ||
| I'm hoping that social media will evolve to something that somehow or another allow people to be more compassionate to each other. | ||
| And maybe we'll just understand how to use it better and understand the consequence. | ||
| Maybe when everybody gets canceled. | ||
| You can't drink and drive, but you can drink and tweet. | ||
| It's career suicide instead of auto manslaughter. | ||
| Do you know the Justine Sacco story? | ||
| Is that the AIDS chick? | ||
| Yeah, that's amazing. | ||
| She was on her way to Africa. | ||
| I think she took an Ambien and she was drinking. | ||
| And she's like, going to Africa, hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding, I'm white, lol. | ||
| That's a good tweet. | ||
| It's a joke, a Mark Norman joke in a lot of ways. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It is in a lot of ways, right? | ||
| It's kind of like something that you would say as a joke. | ||
| I don't know if I'd go with the white angle, but I like it. | ||
| What would you say instead of white? | ||
| Because white people do get AIDS, so it doesn't really make sense logically. | ||
| Right, but when you're on Ambien and you're fucking liquored up. | ||
| Oh, Ambien, man. | ||
| You only have a couple minutes before the flight takes off and you lose cellular. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, you misspell a few things. | ||
| You're like, fuck, I can't go back. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's fucking hectic when you try to get a tweet off on the runway. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| And then the whole flight, you're waiting. | ||
| You don't buy the Wi-Fi. | ||
| Headed to Cincinnati. | ||
| Buy tickets at marknorman.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, fuck, fuck. | |
| I didn't spell Norman right. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I misspelled my own name. | ||
| The whole world would change if Twitter gave you like 10 seconds of edit time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We could change the whole world. | ||
| Roseanne would be on the air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, at the end of the day, with all this shit, my feelings about all this are it's interesting to see. | ||
| It's interesting to see the hate brigade come my way. | ||
| And it's interesting. | ||
| It's very heartwarming to see support. | ||
| But it's also, you know, at the end of the day, I've got a giant body of work. | ||
| Like you can only lie so much about what I am and what I've done. | ||
| You know, when people watch the Elon Musk interview, they're not like, look at all the homophobia. | ||
| He hates women in that interview. | ||
| It's like nonsense. | ||
| Like, have I made inappropriate jokes? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| I'm a comedian. | ||
| When you, and especially if you're drinking and you're smoking pot, you're swinging, right? | ||
| You know how it is when we're doing this. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Pitches are coming your way. | ||
| A lot of them are high. | ||
| You're like, I'm going in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you don't hit the ball and you're like, ah. | ||
| Last time I was here, I made eight jokes about fucking kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| It's funny because it's so extreme. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Like a racist joke is funny because racism is stupid. | ||
| These people, they're grasping at straws. | ||
| They got nothing. | ||
| It's not real racism. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| Yeah, not hiring a guy because he's brown is racism. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And they just know that the word racism is going to get some eyeballs. | ||
| It's going to get some shit stirring up. | ||
| Well, that was the crazy thing about the CNN articles. | ||
| They put in all the isms. | ||
| All the isms and all the obias. | ||
| They blew their wad on that. | ||
| They're not applicable. | ||
| A history of these things. | ||
| There's a history of these things. | ||
| Well, there might be a history of jokes. | ||
| But there's no history of actual homophobia, actual transphobia, other than me calling that guy a man who beat the fuck out of women. | ||
| But I don't understand why people weren't upset that that woman, who used to be a guy, was doing that. | ||
| It's a little harsh. | ||
| I mean, her head got cracked open. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| You're worried about women. | ||
| No one cared about that woman. | ||
| Nobody wanted to interview that woman and say, hey, are you okay? | ||
| Well, that's how deep in this shit. | ||
| What does it feel like? | ||
| That's how deep in we are. | ||
| I'd rather have her head split than me get canceled. | ||
| And again... | ||
| I'm 100% for anyone who knows that that's a transgender woman fighting that woman. | ||
| Consensual. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And here's a perfect example of it. | ||
| The former UFC featherweight champion, her name's Jermaine Durandamy, and she's a fucking assassin. | ||
| She's a beast. | ||
| She's a 10-time world Muay Thai champion. | ||
| I mean, just one of the most technical fighters in the sport. | ||
| She's super badass. | ||
| She fought a man and fucked him up. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| You can watch it online. | ||
| She KO'd him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She KO'd a man with a right hand. | ||
| She's a fucking killer, man. | ||
| Was he a fighter guy? | ||
| He knew how to fight. | ||
| He was swinging. | ||
| Oh, that guy's got to hate himself. | ||
| She knew better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's a world champion. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But look, if she wanted to do that and he wanted to do that, I'm fine. | ||
| But if he pretended he was a girl and he went in and tried to fuck her up, then I'd be like, you're an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what this is. | ||
| It's just about deception. | ||
| I'm not against trans people. | ||
| I think when you're talking about trans athletics, when Martina Navratilova, who is an outspoken lesbian, who is one of the greatest tennis players in the world, World-class tennis players, world champion, one of the greatest of all time. | ||
| She the hot one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| When she comes out, and she did, coming out against trans athletes, competing with women, the outpouring of hate that came her way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yes. | ||
| People are calling her transphobic and this and that. | ||
| Look, this hasn't been settled. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you look at the actual facts, the number of world records, the number of champions, the number of people that are now trans, It's getting weird. | ||
| what is it the International Olympic Weightlifting Federation one of those fucking the powerlifting federation whatever judges that they recently came out and said we are not we're no longer allowing transgender women yeah because they're breaking all the world records oh but are they in trouble now I think I think that's one of the ones where people are like, well, yeah, you're winning by 200 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, yes. | |
| It's like you're taking people and they lose some of their strength when they go through the transition. | ||
| They lose some of their strength when they go through estrogen therapy. | ||
| But there's, goddammit, there's a lot going on there. | ||
| There's tendon strength. | ||
| There's the size of the bones. | ||
| The hand strength. | ||
| The size of the hands. | ||
| There's the shape of the hips. | ||
| The shape of the shoulders. | ||
| There's more. | ||
| You can generate more power. | ||
| There's also a lifetime strength. | ||
| Of having testosterone running through your body. | ||
| It's almost like a woman who's taking steroids her whole life and then quits when she's 30. She's still going to have giant advantages. | ||
| Sure, but how come you don't see it the other way, do you? | ||
| You don't see it the other way. | ||
| Or the woman becoming a man and then entering a man category. | ||
| Yes, imagine. | ||
| A woman who transitions to becoming a man and then fighting in MMA. Right. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good luck on Nate Diaz, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a woman who was a woman and then transitioned to a man who is now a boxer who is a spokesperson for, I want to say, Everlast or like Adidas, like a big company. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Now has this transgender female to male boxer. | ||
| Which, again, I'm all in. | ||
| Look, I don't even think you have to say anything if that's the case. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| World's first transgender professional boxer is now the face of Everlast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now... | |
| How many fights does this person have? | ||
| Wait, this was a woman? | ||
| Was a woman. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But here's, okay, here's another problem with this. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| In order to transition, you have to take testosterone. | ||
| Ooh, so now you're taking supplements? | ||
| As a woman, Manuel was a USA national amateur boxing champion, was invited to compete in the 2012 Olympic trials. | ||
| However, a shoulder injury during Olympic qualifying changed everything. | ||
| So, how many fights? | ||
| Manuel. | ||
| Scroll back, back, back, back. | ||
| Confusing to have man in the name. | ||
| When Manuel was recovering from the injury, he decided... | ||
| Well, you can say he back then. | ||
| See, they're saying he a lot. | ||
| Okay, so you say he... | ||
| So much work. | ||
| Because he was already a he. | ||
| When he was recovering from the injury, that's when he was a girl. | ||
| But let's keep using the same name. | ||
| When Manuel was recovering from the injury, he decided to transition from female to male. | ||
| It proved to be the toughest fight of his life. | ||
| He was shunned. | ||
| Has he had any fights as a male? | ||
| Scroll up there. | ||
| Battle it all, against all odds, went his way back to the sport, become the first person competing in a professional boxing match as a transgender fighter. | ||
| On December 8th, 2018, Manuel climbed to the ring against Hugo Aguilar at a Fantasy Spring Resort Casino in Indio, California, and came out a winner. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Six-year journey. | ||
| Oh, it won. | ||
| It's worth the wait. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excellent. | |
| Congratulations to Manuel. | ||
| Look, I'm all for that, too. | ||
| And my take on that is, there's only one issue. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| That issue is, Manuel, to transition, has to take testosterone. | ||
| So, how much testosterone? | ||
| And who's monitoring it? | ||
| And how often are the tests? | ||
| Because if you have, like, especially some women, particularly African-American women, have dense bones. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They have really good bone density. | ||
| Yeah, oftentimes rivaling European males. | ||
| Maybe we should segregate racially. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LOL. Well, they're just too good. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| Black people are so good at sports. | ||
| Well, Canelo Alvarez, one of the best boxers in the world. | ||
| Pretty redhead, you know? | ||
| Oh, he's good. | ||
| Fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, he's really good. | ||
| Gennady Golovkin, pretty fucking awesome. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Russian. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| The white Mike Tyson guy. | ||
| He had something. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's the white Mike Tyson? | |
| Oh, he was big. | ||
| Tommy Gunn? | ||
| Oh, no, he wasn't. | ||
| Tommy Morrison? | ||
| Wasn't he good? | ||
| Yeah, he was good. | ||
| Yeah, he was a good fighter. | ||
| Yeah, a good fighter, but he got fucked up by a lot of other, like Ray Mercer. | ||
| Did you ever see the Ray Mercer knockout? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Worst knockout in the history of the heavyweight division, I think. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Because he got caught in the ropes. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| He got caught in the ropes, and Ray Mercer, who was an Olympic gold medalist and a murderous puncher, just fucking smashing him. | ||
| Oh, that's brutal. | ||
| Just his head. | ||
| No protection at all. | ||
| He's not putting his hands up, and he's trapped. | ||
| So it's just bang, bang, bang, bang. | ||
| I can't watch that. | ||
| And he was never the same again. | ||
| But he did go on to beat George Foreman. | ||
| Beat George Foreman by decision. | ||
| Beat Donovan Razor Ruddock by stoppage. | ||
| A guy who went the distance with Mike Tyson. | ||
| There you go! | ||
| Tommy Gunn was a good fighter. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| That's one for Whitey. | ||
| One for Whitey. | ||
| But that's it. | ||
| Just one. | ||
| There's a few. | ||
| We had Marciano. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Rocky? | ||
| What's his face? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Rocky Marciano. | ||
| And LaMotta was pretty good. | ||
| He beat Sugar Ray a few times. | ||
| Yeah, well, Vasily Lomachenko is probably one of the best pound-for-pound fighters on the planet Earth today. | ||
| And he's another one who's Russian, but Russians are different from white people. | ||
| Yeah, they're like whitey 2.0. | ||
| Yeah, they're whitey 2.0. | ||
| That's a good way to put it. | ||
| It's fucking hard people, man. | ||
| They're tough folks. | ||
| Which shows you it's not really about the skin, it's about your environment. | ||
| That's a lot of it. | ||
| And the genes. | ||
| Sure, genes, yeah. | ||
| There's certain people in, I mean, you know, there's body styles, right? | ||
| There's endomorph, ectomorph, and mesomorph. | ||
| And, you know, there's certain people that have advantages, you know, based on the amount of fast twitch muscle fibers, the size of their fists, different sports, you know, there's different sort of benefits to different body types in different sports. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Asians ping pong. | ||
| I think it's just really popular over there, right? | ||
| Oh, no, they're great. | ||
| I think it's Chinese, but I don't want to get in trouble. | ||
| But I think it's because it's really popular, right? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Do you think there's a physical advantage? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They just seem to have a knack for that pong. | ||
| They have a lot of killer pool players over there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, that's all metrics. | ||
| It's all physics, you know, and there's smart people. | ||
| It's also very popular. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| It's very popular over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| The pool is huge in the Philippines. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Gigantic. | ||
| Some of the greatest players of all time come from the Philippines. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah, there's a guy named Efren Reyes. | ||
| I got a signed photograph of him out there on the wall by the pool table. | ||
| The hot Asian lady. | ||
| The lady with the black hair, long black hair. | ||
| Oh, yeah, Jeanette Lee, the black widow. | ||
| Oh, man, she was great. | ||
| She's a beast. | ||
| You ever watch those trick shots? | ||
| They're unbelievable. | ||
| I could do three days on YouTube with those trick shots. | ||
| Oh, dude, I wind down at the end of the night every night watching pool on YouTube. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| Well, because it used to be hard to find pool matches on television. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| ESPN doesn't have them. | ||
| I'd set it in my DVR, look for billiards. | ||
| Because I used to play a lot, like all day long when I lived in New York. | ||
| I played tournaments. | ||
| I was more obsessed with pool than I was with almost anything. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| If there was money in professional pool, I probably would have quit doing stand-up. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Would you ever get in a pool grift, like a bar brouhaha? | ||
| Like get hustled? | ||
| Yeah, and then you snap the stick and go, come on, motherfucker! | ||
| Come at me! | ||
| Most of that's nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| From the color of money. | ||
| Artie Lang's got some stories out in Newark. | ||
| He's hanging out with dirtbags. | ||
| I mean, I've had guys yell at me and stuff like that, but not because I was beating them. | ||
| I was never that good. | ||
| I went to real pool halls. | ||
| There's a place called West End Billiards in New Jersey. | ||
| I know West End Billiards. | ||
| It doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| And there's also Amsterdam. | ||
| I go to Amsterdam every time I'm in New York. | ||
| I play with professionals. | ||
| I used to play a lot of tournaments with professionals. | ||
| But there was never any... | ||
| You never had the guy pretending like he had a gimp? | ||
| No. | ||
| None of that? | ||
| That's all movies? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I mean, I had guys try to hustle me. | ||
| One of my best friends, my friend Johnny B. I met him because he tried to hustle me. | ||
| But I could just tell. | ||
| I knew I wasn't very good. | ||
| I was just starting out. | ||
| I was just playing, and he was really good. | ||
| He's like, come on, let's play a game. | ||
| I'll give you a spot. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| And he's like, oh, you're too smart. | ||
| I'm trying to trick you. | ||
| We became buddies. | ||
| But yeah, I was never good enough to hustle, and I was never good enough to beat the really good players, but I was obsessed with it. | ||
| What was my point? | ||
| Oh, so every night when I wind down, the way I wind down, I like to watch pool. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Because it's so, even when it's crazy, it's like not that crazy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a good winder because if you watch like street fights, you're all keyed up. | ||
| Oh, I can't watch those. | ||
| You know what I hate most than anything in street fights is when the dude's heads bounce off the concrete. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Oh! | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| There's one, there's this Puerto Rican dude, and this other guy, and the guy doesn't know how to fight, and the Puerto Rican dude does, and you can see they're standing in front of each other in the street, and he just, crack! | ||
| And the guy goes, and you see him like sideways, his head bounces off, and his girlfriend goes, get in the car, puppy! | ||
| And he And he jumps in the car and takes off. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| See, they think it's a movie and then the real life kicks in. | ||
| Well, some people are just fronting and they think they're going to get away with it and then the other guy is actually a boxer. | ||
| And that was the case here. | ||
| That guy, he threw an educated punch. | ||
| He knew what he was doing and he caught that guy right in the jaw and he went out and his head... | ||
| Get the bounce. | ||
| There's a fucking this thing. | ||
| Ah, that kills me. | ||
| It kills people all the time, man. | ||
| Dude, I grew up in Louisiana, and these corn-fed white guys with polo shirts and Doc Martens and short blue shorts with the woven belt, they would get to these brawls, these big white motherfuckers, and they would just kick them in the face when they're down like a soccer kick. | ||
| He'd just be outside the bar. | ||
| I just watched a guy get his jaw broken on a Friday night at 1 in the morning, and he'd just go back in the bar. | ||
| I mean, it was horrific. | ||
| They slamming people in the cars and kneeing them in the face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bar fights, man. | |
| How many people have died in bar fights? | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| Fucking terrible. | ||
| Yeah, the jaw gets wired. | ||
| You see the guy the next week, he's got that neck brace, you know? | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| All for what? | ||
| Because somebody bumped into you? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Spilled your beer? | ||
| Well, just people looking for fights, and then they get a little bit of booze in them, and, you know, they're mad because their girlfriend's fucking some new guy. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn it. | |
| Fucking bitch. | ||
| I don't have that in me. | ||
| I don't have that anger. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| I'm not bragging. | ||
| I like to booze it up. | ||
| I like to smash some gash and have a good time and do some shrooms and eat a lady out. | ||
| But I can't imagine wanting to kick a guy in the face while he's on the ground. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| That's a rage. | ||
| Maybe he was beaten or he's deeply closeted or something's going on there. | ||
| Well, it's like... | ||
| Some men grow up getting their asses kicked. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| And they grow up getting abused. | ||
| It's one of the things that I would notice in high school. | ||
| The kids that would want to fight all the time, they were getting abused at home. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| There was a lot of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And they don't have as much guilt about it. | ||
| They'll just smash your face. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I would be like, oh shit, I'm sorry. | ||
| Someone's been doing that to them, whether it's their older brother or they're getting bullied and so they bully people back. | ||
| You know that old expression, hurt people, hurt people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's, you know, when people like to hurt people, that was the thing that I hated Yes! | ||
| I would try to celebrate. | ||
| And then after a while, I started not celebrating, I would just walk away. | ||
| I'd be like, that's actually probably a better move anyway. | ||
| It looks cooler. | ||
| Because I would just smash somebody, I would kick them, and then they would go down. | ||
| I'm like, that dude's not getting up. | ||
| I'm just going to walk away like this always happens. | ||
| And after a while, it kind of always happened. | ||
| Yeah, like in MMA, when they just knock the guy down and they walk away, they don't even keep hammer fisting. | ||
| Well, it's a thing. | ||
| It's like when guys do that, they're letting you know, like, I know this is the end. | ||
| I don't have to follow this up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a feeling that you get when you hit someone and you see their eyes roll back. | ||
| You know. | ||
| But some guys are so savage they don't give a fuck. | ||
| Even after the guys... | ||
| The most famous one to me was Dan Henderson knocked out Michael Bisping. | ||
| It was so clear that he was out. | ||
| And Dan Henderson flew through the air and smashed him with a punch on the way down. | ||
| Then he made that silhouette his logo. | ||
| So Google Dan Henderson's look. | ||
| Look, they had this epic shit-talking session. | ||
| And then, actually, Michael Bisping went on to beat Dan Henderson in the rematch, which was huge, for the title. | ||
| I like when they have a shit-talking, because I feel weird when they tap gloves and then try to murder each other. | ||
| Look at that belief. | ||
| That is him. | ||
| See, look at that. | ||
| That literally is his silhouette when he was, you know... | ||
| I mean, you can't... | ||
| It's hard to say it's a cheap shot, because... | ||
| He knocked him out. | ||
| The reality is he knocked him out. | ||
| He knew the guy was out, but you're kind of supposed to keep punching until the referee pulls you off, and the referee wasn't in the right place to pull him off. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| But that's kind of crazy that that's his logo. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Dan Henderson is a fucking savage. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| He's the last person you want to piss off. | ||
| Yeah, that's too much. | ||
| That'd be like Cosby having a logo of a lady sleeping. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Not sure why Michael Bisping doesn't like my logo. | ||
| He isn't even in it. | ||
| Oh, this guy's harsh. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Hey, he's a fucking world champion. | ||
| That's the kind of mentality that you have to have. | ||
| I think he was a two-division champion in Pride. | ||
| Yeah, I know he did. | ||
| He won the 85-pound title and the 205-pound title. | ||
| Monster. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| One of the greats. | ||
| And he was a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He is now, though. | ||
| No. | ||
| The whole thing is kooky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a they. | |
| He's a they now. | ||
| He's not a woman. | ||
| Okay, perfect. | ||
| I like a they. | ||
| That's easy. | ||
| Theybes. | ||
| Isn't it weird now that the nicest thing you can say about a person is, I don't agree with everything they say, but I still like them. | ||
| It's like, I hate that we have to do that. | ||
| That's so narcissistic. | ||
| I disagree with some of the things. | ||
| I gotta let everybody know that. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| Can't you just like a guy? | ||
| I wonder if narcissism, if you could track narcissism on a chart, I wonder if it's ramped up because of social media. | ||
| Whoa, are you kidding? | ||
| Of course! | ||
| It is like something that you feed, right? | ||
| It is a psychological condition that you also probably can treat. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think we're too far in. | ||
| Yeah, but if you have narcissism and you get humbled by life, you take some L's in your life. | ||
| Yeah, which you need. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| And you also, maybe you grow older and wiser and you realize this is stupid to be making duck faces on a selfie stick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| You know that? | ||
| Have you ever seen this image? | ||
| There's a fucking photo. | ||
| It's one of my favorite photos. | ||
| A candy photo. | ||
| There's a girl on a lounge chair with her ass up in the air, and she's holding a selfie stick, and a guy is taking a picture of her, taking this picture of how fucking ridiculous it is. | ||
| She's literally got her ass straight up in the air, and she's got this selfie stick. | ||
| So she's doing this, and she's on a lounge chair by the side of the pool. | ||
| And he caught it. | ||
| And I think the capture's like, 2019, be like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's true. | ||
| I mean, back in the day, to get on TV, you'd have to earn it. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Look, look. | ||
| Oh, that's classic. | ||
| That is classic. | ||
| Still loving our generation. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Okay, it's Barstool Sports has it up. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That is so crazy. | ||
| I bet she nailed that photo, though. | ||
| Look at all the work she put in. | ||
| Dude, the dicks that must have come into her DM like a sleepy river filled with lumber. | ||
| Just rolling towards her DMs. | ||
| A logging camp. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a fucking lumber boat overturned. | ||
| Well, in the 80s or 90s, to get on a camera, you had to walk by a TV store. | ||
| Remember, you'd be like, oh shit, I'm on it! | ||
| Remember, it would look out at you, and that was a big deal, but now it's just in your pocket. | ||
| Now it's so easy. | ||
| Then you can put it out into the world, and anybody can be on YouTube, anybody can have an Instagram. | ||
| People are just storying everything now. | ||
| It's too easy. | ||
| It's me, me, me. | ||
| Your voice is counted. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's the thing, too. | ||
| Opinions are counted from the time you're 12 on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Your opinion, if you have a 12-year-old moron and he writes a tweet, it looks just like a scholar. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's got the same font. | ||
| The words are spelled. | ||
| There's auto-correct, so it corrects the words. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you fucking idiot. | ||
| That could be from a 12-year-old or it could be from a 50-year-old guy who works at Stanford. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And it's written, so you just kind of buy it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is this guy's thought. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| I know, it's terrifying, man. | ||
| Well, it's also interesting, Louis C.K. had a funny thought on this that really resonated. | ||
| He was like, when people say things on Twitter, it's just talk, but it's written down. | ||
| So everybody's like, look, look, look, look what he said! | ||
| Like, people say crazy shit all the time. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And we're used to saying, like, fuck that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you should write, fuck that guy on Twitter. | ||
| Look, he said, fuck that guy! | ||
| Yeah, it's written, it's official. | ||
| It's written, yeah. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| People have said things about people since the beginning of time, and they go, why'd you say that? | ||
| I'm sorry, dude. | ||
| I was fucking drunk, and I was mad my girlfriend broke up with me. | ||
| That kind of shit, and people get over it. | ||
| But if it's written, and then people retweet, oh yeah, remember when he said this about you? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Oh, he tried to delete it, but I got a photo of it. | ||
| I mean, how many times do you talk shit about a comic, and then you walk in the green room, and he's sitting there, and you're like, oh hey, what's up, buddy? | ||
| Hi, fella. | ||
| Thank God you were just talking. | ||
| But it wasn't written. | ||
| Now it's not official. | ||
| Now it's not on paper. | ||
| Well, it's, you know, look, most of us deserve to have some shit said about us every now and again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the loudest people are the ones who have a lot of shit, and they yell at you before you find their shit. | ||
| Oh, that's what's always really fun to find out, right? | ||
| Every green room I go to, there's all this shit on Twitter. | ||
| Then I go in the green room and go, we don't agree with that, right? | ||
| And they go, no, come on, it's crazy. | ||
| Then you go back to your bullshit life. | ||
| I know a guy who's like an animal activist. | ||
| He kicks his dog! | ||
| No! | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, I go to his apartment, he's kicking his dog. | ||
| Like, hey, get out of there! | ||
| And he kicks it in the ribs. | ||
| You're like, you're the animal guy! | ||
| You kicked it hard? | ||
| I mean, you get a yelp, you get like... | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And you're like, you're the activist dude. | ||
| You're PETA, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dick. | |
| I know, but the online, we all are fucked. | ||
| We are all selfish. | ||
| We're all shitty. | ||
| We're all cunts. | ||
| We're all cowards. | ||
| Deep down, we have all that. | ||
| But on Twitter, you can be a superhero. | ||
| Yeah, well, we're all primates. | ||
| We've all got some weird monkey energy inside of us, and sometimes it comes out wrong, especially because you're different all the time. | ||
| You're different depending upon the kind of stress you're under, whether or not you've had sleep, whether or not you just got fired. | ||
| So many variables that people don't want to take into consideration. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, and you want to look good. | ||
| You want to look cool. | ||
| It's like makeup. | ||
| Twitter is makeup. | ||
| Dude, Twitter is makeup. | ||
| J-Mo, t-shirt. | ||
| Bro, you're right. | ||
| You just nailed it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It is like that. | ||
| It's like you're pretending that you're something that you're not. | ||
| You're dressing it up. | ||
| And some people go so far as Twitter for them is plastic surgery, where they're just giving in. | ||
| And they're like, I'm hooked on this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, I don't know if you know this, but a lot of ladies, they take the photo shop to the photos, and they make their butt bigger, and their waist smaller, and their legs thinner. | ||
| So my wife will go out with her friends, and one of her friends is basically a magician. | ||
| She'll take a photo, and she'll start fucking with things, and make girls' heads bigger, and make another girl have bigger arms, make them insecure, and make her waist smaller. | ||
| They do weird shit, and they do little subtle things, like make this bitch's nose a little bigger, make her fucking ears a little bigger. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And then they call each other. | ||
| You gotta take that picture down. | ||
| I don't like the way my nose looks. | ||
| Oh, I'll fix it. | ||
| I'll fix your nose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So they'll change your nose and put it back up. | ||
| Like, it's cartooning. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Like, you're doing cartoons. | ||
| You're making cartoons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's not even a person anymore. | ||
| It's funny because, like, a lot of guys, you know, we're shallow and material. | ||
| We like, what do you call it? | ||
| Visual. | ||
| We're very visual. | ||
| And women always say, oh, men are so pig, they're pigs, all they care about is tits. | ||
| And it's like, no, no, you care too. | ||
| Don't act like it's just us. | ||
| You have 18 filters on your face because you want to look good. | ||
| Such as us, you're shallow as well. | ||
| Well, I had a bit that I did in my last special about watching Fox News and about how Bill O'Reilly was sitting right next to Megyn Kelly. | ||
| And they're right next to each other, so I assume they're in the same climate. | ||
| But Bill O'Reilly was dressed like it was chilly out. | ||
| He had a shirt and a jacket and a tie. | ||
| I go, Megyn Kelly was wearing something that was best to be described as a vagina curtain. | ||
| And it wasn't a good curtain either. | ||
| I go, it was one of those curtains that sits over Grandma's kitchen sink. | ||
| It's kind of fluttering the breeze. | ||
| You could always see the yard. | ||
| And I'm like, her vagina's right there. | ||
| And it's cut low. | ||
| So you can see some of her tits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, you see, it doesn't have any sleeves on. | ||
| Like, there's so much skin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But a man, if a man wore a sleeveless skirt to an office, he would be fired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, we're gross, too. | ||
| But is that sexism? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I mean, by definition it is, but we don't give a shit. | ||
| It's like if a girl has a ton of cleavage and you go, wow, that's a lot of cleavage. | ||
| They go, whoa, easy creep. | ||
| You have the cleavage. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm the weirdo for calling it out. | ||
| You're showing it everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if a guy has yoga pants on and a giant hog wear a kielbasa in his pants, are you allowed to say anything to him? | ||
| You go, hey, you gotta go home and change. | ||
| What if you're straight and he's straight, and you go, bro, nice dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a compliment. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah, you're not trying to hit on him. | ||
| I know, then they get blurry with the men and women stuff, because we're the same, but then we have different rules, so it's all very confusing. | ||
| Well, girls can say, girl, your ass looks amazing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And no one cares. | ||
| Like, girls can say that to girls. | ||
| Sure, and gay guys can say it to girls. | ||
| Yeah, they can say it to girls. | ||
| The gay guy-girl relationship is a special one. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Because it's girls, they can be around guys, but they're around guys who fuck guys, so they feel safe. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's all rape. | ||
| It just comes down to the rape threat. | ||
| Oh yeah, right. | ||
| There's no threat that way. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And there's no threat of deception. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because the guy's not interested in you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So he's not pretending he wants to fuck, or he doesn't want to fuck you when he actually does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So you don't really know. | ||
| Like, how many girls have those fucking creepo friends that have just been lurking in the periphery, waiting on the shore for the boat to come in the dock? | ||
| It's gotta be tough to be a gal for that one. | ||
| It's gotta be tough to be that guy. | ||
| Well, that too. | ||
| Hoping she gets fat. | ||
| Hoping things go wrong. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| If she gets fat, he might pull out. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| He might de-doc. | ||
| No, he'd probably just get her back in shape again once he gets her. | ||
| I think if we knew how much girls wanted to be found attractive... | ||
| They'd be a little embarrassed. | ||
| I think if we knew how important that was, because girls are very secretive. | ||
| Women, sorry, women. | ||
| Like, I'm a big fan of the ladies, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| But I think a lot of the things that they are thinking, if that was out, they'd be embarrassed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they got some stuff going on in that noggin that we don't know about. | ||
| But it's like there's so much currency in being attractive if you're a woman. | ||
| It's like being a celebrity man, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like if Chris Rock shows up anywhere, people are like, oh shit, it's Chris Rock. | ||
| Come on in, Chris Rock. | ||
| Hey, come on in. | ||
| Come in the restaurant. | ||
| We got a seat for you. | ||
| Get the fuck out of the seat. | ||
| Chris Rock's going to sit here. | ||
| Would you like a drink? | ||
| Would you like this? | ||
| Would you like that? | ||
| Do you want something for free? | ||
| We'll give you gifts. | ||
| It's like, this is a celebrity. | ||
| Well, a woman who's really hot has almost the same treatment. | ||
| Like, come on in. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'll get you a drink. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Hey, ladies, what are you doing later? | ||
| There's a little after party. | ||
| Love to have you come. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, they get invited. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah, it's different. | ||
| A really attractive woman is like a superhero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They have superpowers. | ||
| And men fall apart. | ||
| Like, if women, I think they know. | ||
| Of course they know. | ||
| It's biological. | ||
| But they don't experience it. | ||
| They don't experience it from the perspective of a male. | ||
| Oh, if they knew how fucking juiced up we were. | ||
| I mean, when you see a beautiful woman with the legs and the skirt, the cleavage, it's insanity. | ||
| I wish a woman could feel that for one second. | ||
| Insanity. | ||
| Feel how horny and crazy and, like, you're irrational. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're not thinking rationally. | ||
| No, you stumble over your words, you say stupid shit you don't really mean. | ||
| The only closest thing is, you know when, like, sometimes you're about to bang a gal and, like, you're about to put it in and she's all ready to go and you go, ah, I'm gonna hang back. | ||
| And she's like, what the fuck, ah! | ||
| She's flipping it. | ||
| That's the closest women will get to knowing how horny we are. | ||
| When do you do that? | ||
| Well, we've done that with girlfriends and stuff. | ||
| You tease your girlfriend? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| You tease your girlfriend? | ||
| Well, for fun, yeah. | ||
| Or if I can't get it up. | ||
| Oh, baby, I'm ready to... | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Yeah, and she's soaking wet. | ||
| The blanket's ruined. | ||
| And, you know, the candles are lit and the nips are hard. | ||
| Windows are steamy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And she's got a little gloss of sweat from the first time I went down on her and made her jizz. | ||
| And now she's ready for the medium-sized dong to penetrate. | ||
| And you hang back, yeah. | ||
| You hang back out. | ||
| If you could bottle that feeling that women have right then when they call you the F word. | ||
| I've had women say horrible things because they're so worked up. | ||
| The gay F word? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| I don't want to say it because who knows. | ||
| You don't want to get cancelled? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But if you could bottle that. | ||
| If we were alone you'd say it. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But people can't see intent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| They can't see nuance, these cuts. | ||
| They can't. | ||
| They can't. | ||
| Look, I grew up in a black neighborhood. | ||
| There was a big difference from when one guy would go, fuck you, white boy, to, ah, fuck you, white boy. | ||
| There's intent. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And both are racist, I guess, or both are evil or mean, but I knew what one group meant and I knew what another group meant. | ||
| And it's the same words. | ||
| It's like the word retarded. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You could use that word and everyone laughs, or you can use that word and you're a monster. | ||
| Use that word of a little kid that has a disease, like Down Syndrome or something, you're a monster. | ||
| Or, you know, with your friend, and he's like, where are my fucking keys? | ||
| Where are my fucking keys? | ||
| Hey, dude, they're in your hand, retard. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| The bummer of all that is everybody knows that. | ||
| Everybody knows that and they're playing games. | ||
| They're playing games and they're lying. | ||
| Well, they're playing games and they're trying to eliminate your ability to express yourself with nuance. | ||
| Because they're trying to pretend that these words can't mean different things. | ||
| But they always have meant different things. | ||
| So they're taking away that. | ||
| But you're not going to fix anybody. | ||
| You're not going to change life. | ||
| You're not going to make sick people better. | ||
| You're not going to do anything different. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Language is complex. | ||
| There's a lot of variables. | ||
| People are complex. | ||
| Emotions are complex. | ||
| And the scenarios in which you're using those languages. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what I don't get. | ||
| Why would you want to be on that bad, snitch, cunty, tattletale side of all this? | ||
| Because they want to be woke. | ||
| And because there's a lot of fear in being against wokeness. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And people coming after you. | ||
| But you're a good human. | ||
| I'm a decent douche. | ||
| I feel like we have good... | ||
| Bones, and we want to help people. | ||
| You would probably stop a bully if he was picking on a weaker person. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| So to me, that's more important than... | ||
| Yeah, but they don't see that. | ||
| They don't see that. | ||
| And also, here's another problem. | ||
| When it comes to people like you or me, we are in this weird place where we're talking and literally right now millions of people are listening. | ||
| That is strange. | ||
| And no one thinks that's fair, including me and you. | ||
| It's not normal. | ||
| So people that are listening, there's a certain percentage of them are like, fuck that guy. | ||
| Why is he talking? | ||
| Why do you get to talk? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And so you say anything that deviates from the standard. | ||
| You have to comply 100%. | ||
| If you don't want to be shit on, you have to comply 100%. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| It is scary. | ||
| And it's a bummer. | ||
| Who wants to live like that? | ||
| Well, nobody does. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| When you don't comply, so many people are like, thank you. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| There's so many. | ||
| I think more. | ||
| More people are happy. | ||
| It's just the voices that are upset at you for not being woke are the louder ones. | ||
| And they're more into it because they're a We just did it. | ||
| Way to tie it all up there, Patty. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's a weird thing we're doing with language. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's very strange. | |
| It's very weird. | ||
| My friend had a good point, black guy, by the way, and he would say, like, it's got to be weird in 10 years when this kind of all dissipates. | ||
| And some lady's in a job interview, and she's like, I'd love to work here. | ||
| And the guy's like, says here in 2016 you wrote men are scum? | ||
| What did you mean by that? | ||
| I'm a man. | ||
| And she's going to be like, oh, it was a different time, you know, emotions were high, and Harvey Weinstein, he's like, yeah, but that's hurtful, like, I'm a man. | ||
| You're saying it's quite a generalization, you know, like, that's so mean, it's so hateful. | ||
| There was a big scandal about that just a couple, not even a couple years ago, maybe a year ago or so. | ||
| There was a woman who got hired by the New York Times, and they were going through all her tweets, and a lot of it was like anti-white men tweets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| She said that she was doing it ironically, and she was also doing it to respond to people that were tweeting hateful things at her. | ||
| Sure, there was a lot of that. | ||
| And also she was young. | ||
| Like a lot of times you're tweeting stuff when you're young and you're trolling and you don't even know what you're doing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I saw a great tweet the other day about how there's that big white male rage is like a big funny thing going around right now. | ||
| It's like a hashtag. | ||
| Male rage? | ||
| Yeah, white male rage. | ||
| Like the Joker and everything. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| It's funny, because, you know, there's a lot of white male rage out there, so it works, but it's also weird that we've kind of funneled... | ||
| You're not allowed to be mean to any other group and talk about it. | ||
| Like, black people have rage, Asians have rage, but... | ||
| But you can white male it to death. | ||
| Yeah, which is like, as a comic, you're like, well, now it's kind of hack, because you're just doing that every time, and B... There's other rages. | ||
| So why wouldn't you want to... | ||
| But you're so worried about being appropriate that you have to just stick with this one that everybody... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It feels very easy. | ||
| Well, in woke culture, I don't know if you know this, but it's impossible to be racist against white people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Did you know that? | ||
| Because white people, power plus something is racism. | ||
| And white people are always in power, so you can't be racist against white people. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| It feels very condescending to brown people, too. | ||
| I won't ever talk about you. | ||
| You're perfect. | ||
| Let's ruin this honky over here. | ||
| Well, they're loud and boring. | ||
| The people that do that, they're loud and boring. | ||
| It feels like there's a lot of them. | ||
| There's a lot of them. | ||
| Well, there's also a lot of 20-year-olds out there. | ||
| Look, if you caught me when I was 20, I would be loud and fucking boring, too. | ||
| I'd be really annoying. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| It's like a Shane Gillis. | ||
| People go, can you believe he said that? | ||
| I'm like, well, you said this thing 10 years ago, but I've evolved. | ||
| Well, maybe he will. | ||
| Well, not only that, you've got to understand that he's talking shit. | ||
| And back then, he didn't think anybody was listening. | ||
| You're talking shit. | ||
| When you're talking shit, you're just trying to make your friends laugh. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was trying to say inappropriate things that you're not supposed to say to make his friends laugh. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| That's what you do, man. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| It doesn't mean you mean those things. | ||
| Yeah, that's what white male rage is. | ||
| That hashtag is inappropriate shit to make the people laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| Because there's so much content out there, and all of us are putting out so much content, you can find these instances where you're just talking shit, and if you just isolate those, you can pretend that that defines a person. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But it doesn't. | ||
| Because you never use the good shit to define people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| You're defined by a giant chunk of... | ||
| Whoever you are, all the things you do. | ||
| You have your weak spots and you have your strong points. | ||
| You're defined by a lot of things. | ||
| When I saw that CNN thing, I was like, that's not why the show's popular. | ||
| You're pretending that the show has gotten all these downloads because it's like this white transphobic hate platform. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| I mean, I'm not even, like, speaking for myself, like, just looking at it objectively. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| But if you say that, you could change, you could shift the way people... | ||
| And so that's what they were trying to do. | ||
| But all it really does is erode people's confidence in your ability to describe things accurately. | ||
| Ah, yeah, you lose your genuine card. | ||
| I don't trust that guy. | ||
| Do you know what they did to Cenk Uygur? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's that? | |
| From the Young Turks. | ||
| He's a political commentator. | ||
| He was talking to... | ||
| This is one of the most egregious ones I've ever seen, ever. | ||
| He was talking to David Duke on the phone, right? | ||
| And David Duke saying, I'm not racist. | ||
| You know, David Duke, fucking head of the KKK. So he goes, oh, of course you're not racist! | ||
| So they use that as a quote, saying that he said to David Duke, oh, of course you're not racist. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| And they tried to say that he was, you know, coddling David Duke. | ||
| That's a lot of spin. | ||
| But it's not spin. | ||
| It's deceptive. | ||
| It's a lie. | ||
| And then they made a retraction, but it's too late. | ||
| And not only that, like, why? | ||
| Why do you want to do that? | ||
| Well, it's because he's running for Congress. | ||
| So Cenk Uygur right now is running for Congress in California, so they tried to do that to him in the same way. | ||
| It's like this weird thing. | ||
| They have these relationships with politicians and political parties, and they don't want people like him in, because he's one of those take the money out of politics guys. | ||
| And he's got this thing, this wolf pack, where they're trying to take money out of politics. | ||
| The same thing that Bernie Sanders is doing. | ||
| Ah, interesting. | ||
| I see a pattern here. | ||
| Well, I mean, look, that's where their bread's buttered. | ||
| They want more butter, they want more bread. | ||
| But it's funny, because when I was a kid, you'd hear about the 60s and Nixon and all this corruption, and you're like, oh, that's the 60s. | ||
| But it just keeps going. | ||
| It's a different kind of corruption. | ||
| It's sanctioned corruption. | ||
| It's legal corruption. | ||
| You're allowed to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I see. | |
| You're allowed to have these relationships. | ||
| It's not illegal. | ||
| You should have to... | ||
| One of the things they do that's really sneaky is they hire these media companies to do organized campaigns. | ||
| So if you see a bunch of people tweeting mean shit about a candidate, a lot of times you go and you see, well, who's tweeting this? | ||
| They have one fucking follower. | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
| And they've only been posting for like a week, and most of the stuff they're posting is against this one candidate. | ||
| So they have these dummy accounts. | ||
| So either it's a person who... | ||
| That's the only time they've signed up for Twitter and they just want to shit on Bernie Sanders. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or it's this sort of contrived collection of people. | ||
| I mean, fake people. | ||
| Like one person has like 50 accounts. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Or one media company, a media organizing company that is literally hired to do a campaign to try to push a narrative. | ||
| And so they just fill the mentions up with these bots, essentially. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Just saying a bunch of different things that are negative about a candidate or negative about a person or negative about whatever, about anything. | ||
| And this is one of the ways that they sort of try to shift the zeitgeist. | ||
| And when they can't control that, when they don't have to control the narrative, then they start panicking and then they pull out the heavy guns. | ||
| And then they start asking these news stories, whether it's a newspaper or an online publication, to write inflammatory things about you. | ||
| That's essentially how they try to shift opinion on things. | ||
| And it's not illegal, right? | ||
| But it's fucking super sneaky and really sleazy. | ||
| It's funny how they do the it's not illegal loophole kind of, because it's still wrong and mean and hurtful and a lie. | ||
| But imagine if it was a comic, right? | ||
| Imagine if you say, look... | ||
| Aren't you filming a special tonight, Mark Norman? | ||
| Yes, I am. | ||
| Two shows, Dynasty Typewriter. | ||
| I don't know when this comes out. | ||
| It's already sold out, right? | ||
| Yeah, sold out, baby. | ||
| Tough shit, you fucks. | ||
| You can't get in. | ||
| So, imagine if this special comes out and you tweet a link to it and then underneath it you use 50 dummy accounts to talk about how fucking amazing that special is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then people find out about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they go, Jesus Christ, Mark Norman, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They would say that to you. | ||
| Like if you had 50 dummy accounts, you were tweeting about how amazing you are. | ||
| Well, that's what politicians do. | ||
| That's what corporations do. | ||
| A lot of people do that, to try to shift opinion. | ||
| And they're doing it through Twitter. | ||
| You know what the solution to that is? | ||
| Stay the fuck off of Twitter. | ||
| Well, how long until it's illegal? | ||
| It feels like it's getting dangerous out there. | ||
| Doing stuff like that sort of should be illegal. | ||
| It's basically what the internet research agency in Russia was doing when they were having all these fake accounts and they were tweeting. | ||
| They were doing all kinds of different things. | ||
| They were pretending that it was black women against Hillary Clinton. | ||
| It was really Russians. | ||
| As black women, we can't vote for this bitch. | ||
| And all the whiteys are like, I want to be on the side of the black women. | ||
| They were even organized. | ||
| I had a woman in here, her name was Renee DiResta, and she spent an incredible amount of time analyzing this stuff. | ||
| And it has all this data and like hundreds of thousands of posts and millions of interactions and all these different, like really can shift the narrative on things. | ||
| And it's all this fucking troll farm in Russia where people are getting hired to pretend like Muslims and Texas separatists. | ||
| They put together these organizations across the street from each other. | ||
| So the Texas separatists and this Muslim group, and they're both organized by these fake internet research agency people that are working in Russia. | ||
| And they put their fucking protests right across the street from each other. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| And so they're fighting with each other. | ||
| They must be having a blast watching that shit go down. | ||
| Well, also, they're funny. | ||
| That's what's really funny. | ||
| They're memes. | ||
| The memes they make are really funny. | ||
| Like, they made some fucking killer memes that were legitimately hilarious. | ||
| And she was talking about, she's like, I'm telling you, I was laughing really hard at a lot of these memes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, man, what a kooky world we're living in. | ||
| And I don't even want to dive into it because it bothers me. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| But I think it's important to talk about. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| I think it's important to talk about like this on a podcast because it lets people know like, oh, that's what's happening. | ||
| And so you know what else people do? | ||
| They have these accounts that they use for a long period of time as a fake account. | ||
| So they'll even put fake photographs up or they'll put a cartoon picture up and then they'll use it to quote about random shit. | ||
| They'll tweet about Star Wars and the weather and oh my god, global warming is real. | ||
| Can you believe this? | ||
| They'll retweet interesting articles And they just do this to try to give it the illusion that it's a real person. | ||
| And they'll have 80 of those. | ||
| And this is all a company. | ||
| So if you have a media corporation that is designed in the company, what they do is they make these media campaigns on social media. | ||
| They organize campaigns to push a narrative. | ||
| They'll have these things just like a company would have assets. | ||
| They have these accounts. | ||
| They'll have fake accounts. | ||
| And it's not illegal. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It seems like it's doing more harm than good. | ||
| Well, it's doing good and it's doing harm. | ||
| Where it does really good is in, like, I mean, Arab Spring. | ||
| You know, a lot of the stuff that happens overseas, like these people, one of the only ways they can get the news out, because the news is locked down in their country, one of the only ways they can get the news out is through social media. | ||
| And sometimes even through a virtual private network. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, they have to use a VPN to go and... | ||
| Arab Spring. | ||
| The worst soap of all time. | ||
| That's the one that you can cut into, the Irish Spring one. | ||
| I always wanted to cut into that because of the commercial. | ||
| Cutting soap is fun. | ||
| That's how people learn to carve wood sometimes. | ||
| They use soap as a little practice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't understand body wash. | ||
| Do you do body wash? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I don't trust it. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I don't do cologne either. | ||
| Well, cologne is weird. | ||
| That's deep and weird. | ||
| I don't get guys who do cologne. | ||
| What is body wash? | ||
| Is it soap? | ||
| The liquid. | ||
| But is it soap? | ||
| It's soap. | ||
| You usually put on a loofah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| But I don't do it. | ||
| I'm not opposed to it. | ||
| I like the bar. | ||
| I like the bar. | ||
| Yeah, give me the bar. | ||
| Do you know, different ethnicities... | ||
| I know where you're going. | ||
| White people are weird. | ||
| Yes, I was just going to go in there. | ||
| My black friends get mad at me because I don't have a washcloth. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of, not just black, but Latinos as well. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| I don't have any Latino friends. | ||
| They like washcloths, and they think white people are disgusting. | ||
| You just use soap, and then, you know, your wife goes in later, and she uses the soap, and then your fucking kid's using the soap. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| What are we doing here? | ||
| I mean, I got that soap up my ass and everything. | ||
| Bumping uglies. | ||
| Yeah, but that... | ||
| It's also a weird one when you're showering with a lady. | ||
| You remember you're showering with your girlfriend when it was new? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And fucking in the shower, and then you gotta wash your ass? | ||
| That was always a weird moment. | ||
| That's a weird moment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And when you... | |
| If you try to have sex in the shower, like, who gets the water? | ||
| Like, where do we stand? | ||
| Yeah, I'm cold over here. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Especially New York, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Also, the water will... | ||
| Ruin the lube, if you will. | ||
| The natural lube. | ||
| The natural lube. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, it gets it all... | ||
| Rinses it away. | ||
| A little too much friction. | ||
| It's like you're trying to slide down a slide and your ass cheek keeps hitting the plastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| You want to pull your shorts down a little bit so you can get a little more slipperiness in the slide. | ||
| Ah, shower sex is the worst. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a good idea. | ||
| I think Ari used to have a bit about it. | ||
| It's a good idea on paper. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But in practice, it's not really the best move. | ||
| Yeah, are you losing libido there? | ||
| Because you're what, 61? | ||
| 52. Ah, shit. | ||
| But I'm on testosterone. | ||
| I take testosterone replacement, so I'm not losing shit. | ||
| You're still horny? | ||
| Oh, all the time, yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, I have my testosterone levels are basically what they should be if I was 30. Right. | ||
| It's basically the same. | ||
| I don't get crazy with it. | ||
| I'm still horny, but now that I'm with a lady, I'm glad because I don't have the energy to do the small talk. | ||
| I still want to bang, but that whole, like, out of bullshit! | ||
| I can't do it! | ||
| It's brutal! | ||
| That's the hard part to me. | ||
| Well, that's the part about being single. | ||
| It's not necessarily deceptive, but you are definitely putting on a little bit of an act. | ||
| Of course, of course. | ||
| You're polishing up the old turd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, because we're a bunch of retard apes. | |
| Yeah, you're just thinking like, how long, how long, how long, how long, how long, how long, how long, can the underwear come off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the girls, they're not dumb. | ||
| They know that. | ||
| They're going, all right, he wants to fuck now, but I'm going to get more food out of him and drinks. | ||
| You know what's the most depressing thing about being single? | ||
| After you came, you'd be like, what did I do? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| I've got to get out of here. | ||
| Story of my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, I went on a real tear and that was, every morning was just like, oh, I gotta make some changes. | ||
| Well, you start thinking that you really are into this person until you come. | ||
| And then you're like, no. | ||
| Makes you realize biology is a motherfucker. | ||
| Like, it knows what it's doing. | ||
| Talk about deceptive. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Well, Brett Weinstein was explaining this to me. | ||
| He's a biologist. | ||
| And he was explaining to me that there's different strategies for mating that biology has set up for us. | ||
| And there's two different types of women that are attractive to men. | ||
| He was like, there's beautiful, and then there's hot. | ||
| And there's a difference. | ||
| And what beautiful is, is someone who has good genetics. | ||
| She seems like she has a pleasant demeanor. | ||
| You like her personality. | ||
| You really want to be around her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's kind of slutty hot. | ||
| Porn star. | ||
| The reason why you like that is because the idea is that you can mate with them quickly and you can spread your DNA, but you don't have to make any commitment. | ||
| You can check. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| So literally, these strategies are set up by nature. | ||
| So when you see a girl with a little tiny skirt and big giant tits stuffed into this like fucking crazy cleavage and like a little short little thing and her belly's showing She's like, hey boys! | ||
| She's letting you know there's not a whole lot of game here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can get right to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then if you shoot one in there and make a baby, it's like you can spread those genes very quickly. | ||
| So throughout humanity, like throughout the evolution of the human animal, that has probably been a strategy that evolved. | ||
| So like women that maybe their personality sucks or maybe they're abused so they don't have high self-esteem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| So they feel like the best way to definitely get attention without making sure that a man works for it, because they don't feel like they're valuable enough, right? | ||
| So they'll wear skimpy clothes and they'll slut it up. | ||
| Why do you think it is that a lady is so bummed out after the bang? | ||
| Like, if you want to leave. | ||
| Because you pretend that you're so into her, and you think you're so into her. | ||
| And then as soon as you come, she's like, oh, he's gonna hate me now. | ||
| He wants to leave. | ||
| Because that feeling, when you come, if you're not really into a girl, and you got tricked by your own dick, and then after you orgasm, you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| That feeling, which... | ||
| Every guy knows. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's natural. | ||
| If you don't know it, I don't understand you. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Well, that's why it's annoying when women go, oh, men are such pigs. | ||
| Like, this is how I'm wired. | ||
| Like, you can't shoot me. | ||
| That's like me going, hey, you bleeding weirdo. | ||
| Like, no, that's just how your body's made. | ||
| This is how my body's made. | ||
| Why can't you sympathize? | ||
| Men pretend they want more. | ||
| No, we actually think we want more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We do. | |
| We do think it, yeah. | ||
| Until you come. | ||
| And then you're like, ugh. | ||
| I've been in love all night. | ||
| I'm like, this is the best woman on earth. | ||
| And then all the interest just shoots out of you. | ||
| But how about this, ladies? | ||
| And this is going to be controversial, but look, I hang out with you. | ||
| We're not fucking. | ||
| Why don't you bring it? | ||
| Like, give me some knock-knocks or something. | ||
| Right, give me some jokes. | ||
| Give me some jokes! | ||
| Give me something to work with. | ||
| Yeah, like, all you showed me was, like, I chased you for five hours all night, you know, trying to win you over, trying to be funny, trying to be interesting. | ||
| Why don't you spin it now? | ||
| Why don't you win me over? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You're kind of, in a way, you're kind of saying, like... | ||
| Sex is my only thing. | ||
| No, but there's a lot of funny, interesting, cool ladies out there, so throw that at me. | ||
| Be one of those. | ||
| Yeah, be one of those. | ||
| Be one of those, yeah. | ||
| But, you know, there's a lot of boring dudes, too, so... | ||
| Well, there are a lot of people. | ||
| It's just boring people. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of people that are boring. | ||
| Male and female. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| I couldn't imagine being a girl and having some boring-ass fucking dude trying to stick his hog in you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Gotta be brutal. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Everywhere you go, and then saying, hey, you know, you should probably smile a little. | ||
| Make you look better. | ||
| I hate that move. | ||
| Has that ever worked? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe must have. | ||
| Guys who do that, they make us look bad. | ||
| A really dumb guy and a dumber girl? | ||
| Yeah, maybe it would work. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| Sometimes I'm self-conscious about my smile. | ||
| Oh, you got a beautiful smile. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay, thanks. | ||
| Yeah, like those two are made for each other. | ||
| You guys deserve your both idiots. | ||
| They really should both go into the woods and get eaten by wolves. | ||
| That's what should happen. | ||
| If we really were trying to make a better human race, there'd be more variables. | ||
| There'd be more traps. | ||
| That's true, that's true, but we gotta be nice, you know? | ||
| Well, we should be nice. | ||
| We should be nice. | ||
| But sometimes I think it's just genes. | ||
| Like sometimes people just have knucklehead genes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Sometimes I see people, like, you know, you're walking down the sidewalk, you can see in somebody's living room, and they're 8,000 pounds, they're watching Two and a Half Men, they got a bowl of Cheetos and a beer, and you're like, you're kind of a waste of life. | ||
| Like, no offense. | ||
| You deserve life, you have a right to live, but I'm out here trying to write jokes, and I'm driving from gig to gig, I'm doing pods, I'm going gay, whatever it is, at least I'm trying something. | ||
| At least I have a little ambition. | ||
| You're moving. | ||
| You're out there experiencing life. | ||
| Yeah, even if you send a tweet out, at least, like, you put something into the world, even though it could be horrible. | ||
| But, like, this guy, I'm just like, you're just waiting to die. | ||
| You're just counting the minutes till you go. | ||
| There's something about, like... | ||
| And then they have kids! | ||
| And then you're like, now you brought even more shit into the world! | ||
| Ah, my God, I hate myself. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| It's okay, you're alright. | ||
| But like, you know, you see you're a dad of nine or whatever, and then... | ||
| I have 80 kids. | ||
| 80 kids? | ||
| That's a lot of testosterone you're putting in you. | ||
| Shooting loads all over the place. | ||
| But yeah, so you probably teach your kids, like, hey, make something with your life. | ||
| Yeah, well, they can only use electronics for a certain amount of time during the day. | ||
| Good for you! | ||
| They, um... | ||
| You know, and they're involved in activities. | ||
| They play sports. | ||
| They do things. | ||
| I think you've got to do stuff with them, too, and also they have to see that you're doing stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, yes. | |
| As a parent, like, one of the things that kids get out of you is that they see you live by example. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's important. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And then on the flip side, though, I get selfish, and I go, well, it's a good thing this fat cunt is sitting in a bark lounder all night, because now I get to go and do something with my life, and he's not in my way. | ||
| That, and you also feel better. | ||
| You know, you come home from a hard day of getting after it, and you see that fat slob sitting in front of the TV laughing really hard at Big Bang Theory, and you're like, oh, okay, buddy, I'm fucking better than you! | ||
| You hate to say it, but... | ||
| You do hate to say it, but... | ||
| That's why, like, sometimes I think us being, we're under six foot. | ||
| And isn't that a bummer? | ||
| Wouldn't you love to be six foot? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on! | |
| I think something about me being short has helped me be more ambitious. | ||
| That's what I'm saying! | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| It makes you push. | ||
| There's probably a benefit to it. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You want it. | ||
| That's why, like, that sounds bad, but ugly people are funny. | ||
| A lot of ugly people are funny. | ||
| You gotta bring it. | ||
| They did some study where kids trust ugly people less. | ||
| So it's not just being shallow, it's kind of innate. | ||
| Oh yeah, well imagine being a woman who has terrible genetics, and there's probably someone listening to it right now, and it's not a goddamn thing you can do about that. | ||
| Yeah, it's not your fault. | ||
| You got a giant Fred Flintstone head. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You're trying to make your way through this life with a football player's body. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You got some moles on you. | ||
| Oh, you got everything wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Your hair's falling out. | ||
| You're like, shit. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You got stubby fingers. | ||
| Bad jowls. | ||
| You know, you got the turkey neck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everything. | |
| Weird elbows. | ||
| And you're just out there just trying to get after it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And nobody wants it. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I love an ugly lady who's horny. | ||
| That's your favorite? | ||
| I'm not saying to bang. | ||
| I mean, I have. | ||
| But I love an ugly, horny lady because I feel like we have a lot in common. | ||
| I have a buddy of mine and his favorite is a girl with kind of a mugsy face but a killer body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| He's like, those gals go to work. | ||
| That hits a nerve in a guy because it's attainable and she's probably got normal self-esteem. | ||
| She's not entitled. | ||
| She's at the gym ever. | ||
| Every day, all day, just fucking doing squats. | ||
| Yeah, it's the same with meathead boring guys who are like, I gotta get some traps because I got no skills talking-wise. | ||
| Yeah, just find some dingbat chick and shoot those fucking loads into her. | ||
| Yeah, you hope that all those groups meet. | ||
| Like, you dumb workout guy. | ||
| And then they get hit by an asteroid. | ||
| Yeah, or that. | ||
| Or on the spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I mean, but sometimes those dingbats have kids and those kids go, God damn, my parents are fucking stupid. | ||
| I'm going to do something with my life. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That happens a lot. | ||
| I know a lot of really fucking smart people who have idiots for parents. | ||
| That's a good point, yeah. | ||
| Thank God for those people. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's, you know, that whole expression? | ||
| Like, hard times make hard men. | ||
| Hard men make easy times. | ||
| Easy times make weak men. | ||
| I'm hard. | ||
| I'm hard. | ||
| I think... | ||
| There's something to that. | ||
| We're synced up. | ||
| Like, fucked up parents make interesting kids. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Not all the time. | ||
| Not all the time. | ||
| Yeah, it's not like a pedophile, where if I touch your kid, he'll be a pedophile. | ||
| That's a weird one, right? | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| It's like vampires. | ||
| Yeah, that's apparently a big one with priests. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| They did this thing about how many priests who molest kids were actually molested by priests, and it's very high. | ||
| That is wild, dude. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Yeah, you'd think. | ||
| Like, I'd go the other way. | ||
| Yeah, you would think you'd learn some horrible thing happened to you. | ||
| You don't ever want that to happen to someone else. | ||
| But it just shows how fucking crazy kid fucking gets into a kid's psyche. | ||
| Like, it messes you up. | ||
| It breaks everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you're in this, you know, and also you've, like, lost your trust in adults. | ||
| And then a lot of girls, when they get molested when they're young, they become hyper-sexualized. | ||
| And they try to use their sex to get attention, like, deep into their life. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like, a lot of porn stars, I think. | ||
| A lot of porn stars. | ||
| Diddled. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| But then there's also the Oprahs of the world, the Michael Jackson, the Tyler Perry. | ||
| These people are all diddled. | ||
| And look at them! | ||
| They use their diddle anger into greatness. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah, it's not standard. | ||
| It's not like everybody who gets molested. | ||
| It's like when you get bullied, you can channel your rage into getting better at something. | ||
| Have you seen... | ||
| Do you watch TV at all? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, I love TV. Do you watch The Outsider on HBO? I keep hearing how great it is. | |
| Joe List told me it was amazing. | ||
| Fuck, I watched episode four last night. | ||
| Fucking A, that show's good. | ||
| Is it horror? | ||
| I don't like horror. | ||
| It is horror, yeah. | ||
| Ah, shit. | ||
| But it's... | ||
| I don't want to give away too much. | ||
| It's a mystery. | ||
| It's Jason... | ||
| Biggs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bateman. | |
| Bateman, thank you. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| He's in everything. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| He's amazing in Ozark. | ||
| Yeah, I love Ozark. | ||
| I finished that in two days. | ||
| Ozark's so good. | ||
| That show's so good. | ||
| This is like that, but I don't want to give away too much. | ||
| It's horror mystery. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| It's fucking good, man. | ||
| I'll check it out. | ||
| I mean, there's not a moment in that show so far where I've been like, what? | ||
| It's Stephen King, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He's a beast. | ||
| Stephen King. | ||
| How many books has that guy read? | ||
| Fun fact. | ||
| What in the fuck? | ||
| Stephen King grew up poor in Maine, and his dad did the old cigarette move and never came back. | ||
| Going out for a pack of smokes, fatty, and I'll see you in hell. | ||
| Never came back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And look at him. | ||
| Greatness. | ||
| You gotta channel it, folks. | ||
| Have you ever read Stephen King on writing? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fantastic book. | ||
| Oh, I'd like to. | ||
| It's fantastic. | ||
| It's all his process for writing, and all the different things he's gone through while he was writing, and a lot of the books he wrote, amazing ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Cujo, he doesn't even remember writing it. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Just fucked up on coke and booze. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Just finding an empty case in his writing room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Coke everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| And just writes this amazing book. | ||
| That makes me like him more. | ||
| I didn't take him for a Coke hit. | ||
| I think Carrie was the first one that he sold. | ||
| Was it Carrie or Christine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Carrie. | |
| I think it was Carrie. | ||
| Carrie was the first one he sold. | ||
| And he just, right out of the bat, they're like, holy fuck, what is this guy doing? | ||
| And he was just boozing and smoking. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| And smoking a ton of cigarettes, too. | ||
| Yeah, that's apparently, he said that was one of the big bummers when he quit smoking cigarettes is that cigarettes apparently positively affect... | ||
| It juices you up. | ||
| Yeah, it juices up his neurons. | ||
| The firing of the neurons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've had a cigarette before I go on stage before. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, Hinchcliffe used to smoke cigarettes. | ||
| Now he just does the vape thing. | ||
| And one time I was like, give me one of those. | ||
| Just let me try it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, right before I went, I was like, whoa, you get juiced up. | ||
| And then I did it with Chappelle. | ||
| When Chappelle and I, we did a couple of arenas. | ||
| Yeah, but that's one of the reasons why. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It fires up your brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| In a very unusual way. | ||
| And I think probably more so for someone who doesn't smoke. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Because you're not chasing the dragon. | ||
| You just get in the rush. | ||
| Would the gum work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or does it have to be the cig? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've tried the gum. | ||
| It didn't do much for me. | ||
| Cigars work. | ||
| That's too much. | ||
| I've smoked cigars every now and then. | ||
| Halfway through, I always go, I've got to stop. | ||
| You almost throw up, right? | ||
| Yeah, you almost throw up. | ||
| It gets me cloudy a little bit. | ||
| My anxiety goes up. | ||
| It definitely gets your anxiety up. | ||
| You smoke weed a lot. | ||
| I'm such a lightweight when it comes to the ganja. | ||
| All the negative goes up and the good goes down. | ||
| You might have some demons. | ||
| I hate myself. | ||
| No one likes you. | ||
| You're gay. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| So it all escalates. | ||
| Well, there's good things. | ||
| None of those things are true. | ||
| So just smoke more weed and just deal with life. | ||
| But I can't live like it. | ||
| It eats me alive. | ||
| It's too strong. | ||
| The voices are too powerful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like those voices. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| They teach you things. | ||
| They teach you things that are fucking with you. | ||
| They teach you what's bothering you. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| But I can't win. | ||
| I can't beat them. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| Like, when I'm hungover, oh my god. | ||
| It's not just physical pain, it's like, I can't, the phone rings and I'm like, I can't do it! | ||
| I can't face it! | ||
| It's horrible! | ||
| I gotta work on that. | ||
| Well, maybe not. | ||
| You know, everybody's different. | ||
| Like, some people have a really adverse reaction to coffee. | ||
| Caffeine really fucks them up. | ||
| Yeah, some people just can't drink coffee. | ||
| Oh, I love coffee. | ||
| And some people can't smoke weed. | ||
| Like, we're all fucked. | ||
| So different. | ||
| So different, yeah. | ||
| I have friends, one drink, and they get fucking gerbilized, and they're off to the races. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You don't even know where they are. | ||
| They're gone. | ||
| And now, you know, Mike's gone, and this is a fucking shell that looks like Mike with fucking shark eyes, and they're just running around with no soul. | ||
| It's like their soul leaves through their ears. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Ooh! | ||
| Flies away. | ||
| Alcohol is so underestimated, or under whatever, because we... | ||
| I'll have four drinks, and I'm like, I notice I'm knocking a mailbox off out of a car with a baseball bat. | ||
| I'm like, how'd I get here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't feel any guilt about it. | ||
| But if he was sober, he'd be like, shit, somebody's coming. | ||
| We're going to get caught. | ||
| We're going to get on film. | ||
| Oh, dude, especially if you're doing many shots. | ||
| If you're with buddies and you're like, come on, pussy, one more, one more. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| And you're eight, nine drinks in. | ||
| You're like, you're gone. | ||
| You're not even there anymore. | ||
| It's also crazy to think from 13 to 31, I was drunk the whole time. | ||
| 13? | ||
| Oh, I've been from New Orleans, man. | ||
| We just got after it early. | ||
| And it was just part of the culture. | ||
| Your dad would hand you a Miller High Life, you know, and say, shut up and drink this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was a fun time. | ||
| I mean, I lost my virginity to a prostitute. | ||
| I grew up eight blocks from the French Quarter. | ||
| I went to public school. | ||
| It was bananas out there. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about your transgender nanny that was taking care of you, too. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| Beating up people for taking your bike. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| That's a great story. | ||
| I tried to sell. | ||
| I'm pitching all this shit, and nobody wants it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I've pitched 15 shows. | ||
| Jeffrey Tambor was out of a job, and he was really good on that other one. | ||
| He was good, yeah. | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| He got in trouble with the real transgender people. | ||
| I heard, I heard. | ||
| Most trans people I've met are pretty cool, and they don't want to be coddled. | ||
| We think, oh, easy. | ||
| You know what's weird? | ||
| We're not really helpful to midgets. | ||
| Have you noticed that? | ||
| I don't think you're supposed to say that anymore. | ||
| Oh, what do you call them? | ||
| Small people. | ||
| Small people? | ||
| Little people. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I mean, I'm friends with a couple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Littles. | |
| But I don't know. | ||
| How do you shorten little people? | ||
| LPs? | ||
| Yeah, LPs. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And we're standard play. | ||
| They're little. | ||
| But yeah, they're all good eggs and they don't get any help. | ||
| Like no one's shortening anything. | ||
| Like nothing on earth is designed for them. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And yet we don't... | ||
| Like, toilets are still tall, and they gotta jump up there. | ||
| But trans, we help with the toilet. | ||
| And I'm saying, that's great, we accommodate, but why don't we ever help them? | ||
| Isn't that strange? | ||
| What do you think there's more of? | ||
| Oh, there's gotta be more midge. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Trans is becoming really chic. | ||
| Yeah, but midge, you can't pick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, I don't know if trans is... | ||
| You can't fake it. | ||
| You can't fake a midge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| Can you say midge? | ||
| It's a name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's tricky, though. | ||
| It's like calling a white guy with a backwards baseball hat a wigger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's like, I don't know if you... | ||
| That sounds too much like bigger. | ||
| What about Tigger in Winnie the Pooh? | ||
| He could jump high, he was loud. | ||
| You know, Winnie the Pooh is all about an acid trip. | ||
| No, they say that about everything. | ||
| The ride. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Go on the ride. | ||
| The ride? | ||
| Yeah, the ride at Disneyland. | ||
| That sounds like the worst ride of all time. | ||
| It's basically an acid trip. | ||
| I remember one of the times I did it, I went through Disneyland High as fuck, and I was on the ride, I was like, oh, this is Winnie the Pooh's, he's on acid. | ||
| Like, there's all these visuals, and everything becomes psychedelic, and the colors are weird. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, see if you can get a video of the Winnie the Pooh ride. | ||
| No, I'm telling you. | ||
| Alice in Wonderland, I'll get. | ||
| Alright, there's mushrooms, there's talking cats and shit. | ||
| No, something happens during the ride, and you go, like, Winnie the Pooh goes into Dreamland, Oh, I don't know about the dreamland. | ||
| When he goes to the dreamland, you're basically on acid. | ||
| You're going through an acid trip. | ||
| It just feels like he's mellow. | ||
| He's eating honey. | ||
| He's got no pants. | ||
| Doesn't feel acid-y. | ||
| Well, watch this. | ||
| See? | ||
| There's the Winnie the Pooh ride. | ||
| This is a Disney World? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Disneyland. | ||
| Disneyland. | ||
| This is out here. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So you go through, everything's normal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| And then as you're going through, not really. | ||
| This is just pretty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Everything's lights, and yeah, you're on this little fucking thing, and you're on your little roller coaster ride. | ||
| And oh, here's Winnie. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And he's floating around with a balloon. | ||
| It's kind of a cool ride. | ||
| You know what was great? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good colors. | |
| When my daughters were really young, they liked this. | ||
| Oh, so pretty. | ||
| Very pretty. | ||
| And you're going through, and there's Eeyore, and then there's that other pig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I don't know who the fuck that is. | ||
| Piglet. | ||
| And so then you go through, a bunch of shit happens, and give me a little fast forward here because it's going to be boring. | ||
| Yeah, this is the worst trip ever. | ||
| Isn't that LSD honey? | ||
| Isn't that like a way? | ||
| I think that's what it is. | ||
| Well, there's that Nepal honey, that psychedelic honey. | ||
| Maybe that's what it is. | ||
| Give me a little fast forward. | ||
| It is a little trippy. | ||
| Oh, what was that? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's the trip. | ||
| So right there. | ||
| So what happens before that trip? | ||
| Find out what happens right before that, Jamie. | ||
| Something happens. | ||
| Yeah, see, because he's floating around. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| So Winnie the Pooh is sitting there, and all of a sudden he floats out of his head. | ||
| And look, he's floating like he's fucking tripping balls. | ||
| And then as the thing goes, it goes black, and then you see Winnie floating, and then boom, you're in psychedelic land. | ||
| Everything is weird and whacked out, and there's jack-in-the-box heads with big tongues, and everything is neon psychedelic colors, and the world's melting, and it's honey, and honey spelled phonetically correctly. | ||
| I see it now. | ||
| It's got a little, what's that, fear and loathing. | ||
| It's DMT. This is like a DMT trip. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| All these psychedelic things, you're seeing this is about as close to creating some sort of a psychedelic hallucinogenic trip in a kid's ride, as you can get away with without getting arrested. | ||
| See, I thought you meant the actual cartoon and story. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| But this, I see. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, they're doing something. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, why is he tripping balls? | ||
| You're a millionaire, and that's the way you spend your time. | ||
| Just reminding me, I didn't show it to you yet, there's a VR, I don't think it's a game, but I think it's like a VR experience if they have multiple of those, but it's an ayahuasca trip. | ||
| Bring it on, James! | ||
| What's interesting that you're saying this is that Terrence McKenna actually predicted that you could recreate in the future with virtual reality a psychedelic trip and it would have the same exact effect as a psychedelic trip because it would be able to show you the same visuals. | ||
| You know, you remember... | ||
| I don't know if you remember this, but there used to be, you know what phone freaking was? | ||
| Do you remember phone freaking? | ||
| There was a way that you could use a public pay phone and you had a device that would make a noise. | ||
| Because a public pay phone, right, you'd press a button like beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. | ||
| Well, you would hold a thing up to the phone and it would go. | ||
| *Whaaaaaaaaaa* It would send a signal through sound, and the phone would just open up for you so you could use it. | ||
| Oh, no quarter. | ||
| No quarter. | ||
| And you would just start calling people. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| And it was done somehow or another through sound, like you would mimic the sound the phone would make ordinarily. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And so it tricked whatever was on the other end that was waiting for the signal that was coming from those beep-beep-beep things. | ||
| Is this it here? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ayahuasca. | |
| Oh, this is exciting, because I've always wanted to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum. | |
| Have you done it? | ||
| I have done DMT. I have not done ayahuasca, but this looks a lot like DMT. You've done DMT? You never mentioned it. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| Yeah, there it is. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| Yeah, they're eventually going to be able to nail this and make it exactly like what you'd experience. | ||
| Right. | ||
| VR is going to be dangerous, man. | ||
| That's going to take over a lot of shit. | ||
| Have you done any of the VR experiences that you can go to now in a warehouse? | ||
| No, I've done the goggles and you feel like you're in a whatever church or a forest or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's pretty damn convincing. | ||
| We have one of those Oculus things right out here that's attached to an iPad. | ||
| It's pretty cool. | ||
| But there's a thing in Woodland Hills called Sandbox. | ||
| They have a couple of them somewhere else besides Woodland Hills. | ||
| But one of them is only a few miles from here. | ||
| And you put these VR goggles on. | ||
| And when you get the goggles on, you go into this house and you fight zombies. | ||
| And, I mean, dude, it'll fucking freak you out because it's all dark. | ||
| And the zombies are running at you. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| So they dress you up. | ||
| So you got these VR things. | ||
| Just a fat kid in basketball shorts. | ||
| So this is reality and zombies. | ||
| So this is you running through this. | ||
| This is what it looks like to anybody watching. | ||
| But what you see is these crazy fucking zombies running at you and these giant pus-filled monsters. | ||
| It's fucking scary. | ||
| I guess they're not showing the actual footage of the video. | ||
| But it's pretty dope. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a heartbeat thing. | ||
| You get your heart rate jacked. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because it feels like they're really coming at you. | ||
| And you're wearing a haptic feedback vest. | ||
| So when they claw at you, you feel it on your chest. | ||
| Like, ah, ah, ah, ah. | ||
| But imagine the fuck they are. | ||
| Yeah, there they are. | ||
| That's what they look like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| It's so embarrassing when they show the other one. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| See that? | ||
| So the zombies are running at you. | ||
| They're in your face, like, really quickly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Yeah, it freaks you out, man. | ||
| It's kind of funny. | ||
| That's basically what Twitter is. | ||
| You think you're changing the world, you think you're doing all this shit, and it's just you in a basement. | ||
| And nothing's really happening. | ||
| And nothing's really... | ||
| You think you're killing zombies. | ||
| Booking now available. | ||
| Deadwood Mansion, that's what it's called. | ||
| It's fucking dope. | ||
| Very exciting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| I'm a fan. | ||
| Yeah, give that to the school shooters. | ||
| You know, just have a classroom setting, and they can just shoot it up so they won't shoot up a real one. | ||
| I don't think that has the same feeling of chaos. | ||
| But if we could get their actual teacher and their actual classmates, I feel like that'd be a nice way to get that out of your system. | ||
| It'd be a little better than what they're doing now. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Maybe with pedophiles, too. | ||
| You could have a kid in there and let them get it over with. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Imagine if they did that, if they said the best way to treat pedophiles is to have virtual children that you can rape. | ||
| People would be like, wait, what? | ||
| I mean, it sounds crazy, but it's a victimless crime. | ||
| It's like when you give the heroin addicts free needles. | ||
| Or you give them methadone. | ||
| Or that, too. | ||
| But people go, what are you giving them drugs? | ||
| You go, well, it's better than them dying on AIDS-y heroin needles. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or, you know, overdosing. | ||
| Give them heroin. | ||
| There's places in the world where they give them a distributed amount of heroin that's pure. | ||
| So they make sure that they're not giving them anything that's spiked or got some fentanyl in it. | ||
| On paper, you go, what are you, crazy? | ||
| You're giving him heroin? | ||
| But it's better. | ||
| It's almost like the first guy to think of gangrene. | ||
| Did you hear about that guy in World War II? Everybody's getting gangrene. | ||
| So he said, fuck that. | ||
| He cut his arm open, stabbed one of the dead guys, and put a little bit of gangrene in his wound. | ||
| And everybody's like, what are you, nuts? | ||
| And he's like, I'll get immune to it. | ||
| And he worked. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It worked! | ||
| So that kind of outside-the-box thinking... | ||
| What a fucking crazy asshole. | ||
| I know, but I mean, look around. | ||
| There's dead bodies everywhere. | ||
| He's got no hope. | ||
| He's walking in a gunfire. | ||
| Yeah, it might have been World War I, but it was some World War or a war. | ||
| Some fucking savage from Iowa. | ||
| Some farmer savage. | ||
| But brilliant guy in a way. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of ways. | ||
| Thinking outside the box. | ||
| I love different kind of thinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, that's why I like comedy. | ||
| Because you see something like Norm Macdonald's got that great bit about, and my dad had a heart attack and died, and they go, hey, he's in a better place. | ||
| He's on the floor. | ||
| You know, it's like, I like that kind of... | ||
| You go, oh, yeah, you're right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not wrong, but... | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I like that stuff. | ||
| Yeah, I do too, man. | ||
| I mean, comedy is like, we all have these, particularly for people that were working in these jobs, like we were talking before when you do these corporate gigs, for those people, comedy is kind of extra important because their whole brain is programmed to this fake way of thinking and talking all day. | ||
| Sing it, sister. | ||
| And I think it's cathartic. | ||
| You go into a comedy club and some guy says some horrible thing and you're like, ah, I feel better. | ||
| All my friends that I know that do work, I only have a few friends that do work in office environments, they fucking love comedy. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| They need it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's like it gives you assholes like you and me just saying things that they could never say. | ||
| But we're different than that. | ||
| I think we're a little built differently. | ||
| I couldn't do that office gig. | ||
| I was a janitor for years just because I didn't want to talk to anybody. | ||
| And it was a better job than clerical bullshit. | ||
| I don't want to be in a cubicle. | ||
| I delivered newspapers for the same reason. | ||
| I was in my car, driving by myself, throwing the papers out the window. | ||
| That's a great gig. | ||
| Yeah, it was a great gig for a comic. | ||
| I always say if I wasn't a comic, I'd be a FedEx guy or UPS guy. | ||
| That would be my gig. | ||
| You're outdoors, you got no door on the fucking van, you got shorts on. | ||
| You can listen to whatever you want. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| You got headphones in, it's great. | ||
| Actually, it's a great gig, right? | ||
| I have a buddy of mine who's a mailman. | ||
| Oh, well that's a little different. | ||
| Back in Boston. | ||
| That's a little different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same thing. | |
| He had a route. | ||
| He would fucking put headphones on, listen to music, walk around. | ||
| The problem with mailman is you've got to hit every single house. | ||
| The package guy. | ||
| Everybody loves a package. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Also, I'm sure there's some horny housewife who you can pop in on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What can Brown do for you, bitch? | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| Some milfy. | ||
| Milfy lady in lingerie. | ||
| Oh, I'll sign that. | ||
| Do you want to come inside? | ||
| Uh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, that's hot. | ||
| That's porn. | ||
| Yeah, how many ladies can do that, though? | ||
| The thing is, if a guy is at the door, and the guy looks good, and she looks good, it's almost 100% of the time she can get that guy to fuck him. | ||
| I know, what a privilege. | ||
| Almost 100% of the time she can get that guy to fuck her. | ||
| I think that's a big part of why women aren't as aggressive because they don't have to be. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Well, it's not their nature. | ||
| The male, the testosterone, the conqueror. | ||
| If you took fucking away from women for six months... | ||
| That would be interesting to see how much they'd want to fuck. | ||
| Not that women aren't horny, obviously they get horny, but it's a safe horny. | ||
| Guys will walk into a glory hole and put their dick through it. | ||
| I don't think a lady's putting her vag up to a wall. | ||
| That is the weirdest form of porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that weird? | |
| Yes! | ||
| I love it. | ||
| The glory hole porn. | ||
| I'm a big fan. | ||
| Where there's a girl just sitting in a fucking refrigerator box. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| And a guy just sticks his hog through a hole. | ||
| She's like, oh yeah. | ||
| Well, it's the ultimate fantasy. | ||
| But it's weird. | ||
| I can't get a girl at the bar to fuck me, but if I put my dick through this hole, and I don't know who's on the other side. | ||
| It could be LBJ. Oh, BJ. I just fell backwards into that one. | ||
| Yeah, it could be anybody. | ||
| Could be anybody. | ||
| Could be Rosa Parks. | ||
| You're cool with that. | ||
| You just deal with it. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You just deal with it. | ||
| It just feels good. | ||
| You pretend it's someone hot. | ||
| Yeah, and also you hope the wall is not too thick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because you want to get as much maximum dong shaft. | ||
| Right! | ||
| That's why the refrigerator box is a good move. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Love a box. | ||
| You can't have a real wall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| You don't want sheetrock cutting down on your two inches. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, not only that, the fucking chalky, rough stuff. | ||
| That would ruin it. | ||
| You're banging your shaft on the sheetrock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine you get sheetrock scrapes on your hog. | ||
| Oh, I've been there. | ||
| J-Mo, you got a long one. | ||
| It'd be nice and smooth and eroded by then. | ||
| By all the rest of the day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good point. | |
| We need to be rubbing areas where dudes' dicks rubbed up against. | ||
| You're going to get some of that koala bear chlamydia. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| You ever had the chlamydia? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| You were fucking in the 90s. | ||
| I got lucky. | ||
| You were a hot piece. | ||
| I got lucky. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Never got it. | ||
| You got it? | ||
| Many times. | ||
| How many? | ||
| I think I've gotten it four times. | ||
| How come it's not like gangrene where your body gets immunity to it? | ||
| You get it and you get rid of it real quick. | ||
| I can ride it out. | ||
| Why don't you just ride it out and then maybe you'll be immune to it. | ||
| Maybe, but I don't want to give it to someone else. | ||
| Oh, but you're going to fuck no matter what, right? | ||
| Yeah, I just wear the condo, but then the booze kicks in and you go, ah, fuck it. | ||
| Take it off. | ||
| Also, fun fact, and ladies won't admit to this, but there's a lot of skanks out there doing the, just take it off. | ||
| Take it off! | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| They don't come clean on that, but that's a big thing ladies do that I don't get. | ||
| Feels better for them. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| I've never had a guy fuck me in my vagina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God! | |
| With or without a condom. | ||
| Women are so secretive. | ||
| Why don't they tell us shit? | ||
| Because they get shamed, man. | ||
| But man up! | ||
| Or have some balls. | ||
| Be shamed and live your life. | ||
| I think the shame that women experience is fucking really frustrating. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Because guys, when guys shame women, it's mean. | ||
| And guys shaming women about being sluts, that shit doesn't work on men. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It doesn't work the other way. | ||
| If a girl says, yeah, you just fucked ten girls, you piece of shit. | ||
| You're like, eh, what am I going to do? | ||
| But they could make it not work. | ||
| Just go, yeah, blow me. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| It's not in their wheelhouse. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Toughen up. | ||
| Because genetics. | ||
| Because the way the world has been, sort of the world of human beings has been evolved. | ||
| I'm clearly talking like a scientist here. | ||
| But look at the N-word. | ||
| The N-word was flipped. | ||
| Now it's a positive for them. | ||
| So use slut. | ||
| Well, they've tried. | ||
| Remember Amber Rose had the slut walk in LA? She still had it? | ||
| Or did she give up on that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good for her. | |
| When is it? | ||
| Might be next week. | ||
| It's coming up soon. | ||
| Fourth one, I think. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Slut walk number four. | ||
| Imagine if he gets slut walk 40 and she's strapping everything down and tying everything together and waddling out there. | ||
| Yeah, she's very sexy. | ||
| I like that, huh? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Curvy, curvy, curvy lady. | ||
| Plus, the confidence you have to have to wear that haircut. | ||
| Oh, the short hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a girl who knows she's hot. | ||
| And you've got to have a pretty face. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, to pull the short hair. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But the slut thing, the problem with the slut thing, and nobody wants to say it, is I don't care if you're a slut. | ||
| I say be promiscuous, go nuts, hoe it up. | ||
| But they feel guilty. | ||
| Well, they feel guilty, I think, because of biology. | ||
| For the same reason that Eric Weinstein was telling me that there's different mating strategies that people have. | ||
| For a female to just hoe it up all the time, she's not going to have a man that's there to take care of the child while she's pregnant and vulnerable. | ||
| I think this is what biology is sort of set up. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Wow, that's fascinating. | ||
| I think that's why, like... | ||
| real you know biological yeah i'm not gonna have a baby if we or he's gonna be retarded if we don't fuck now and have a kid but there's also different countries that have different feelings about sex like a lot of latin american countries they're very very open sexually and very very it's different the women too yeah yeah the women too they They have just a different attitude about it. | ||
| Australia, different parts of the world, they're freer and open about sex. | ||
| Good, good for them. | ||
| Even in Canada, I think it's different than in America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, why are we? | |
| It's a Puritan. | ||
| You know, like Chris Brown, to me, What he did was worse than what Louis C.K. did. | ||
| But Louis C.K. has a sexual component which makes everything way worse in America. | ||
| Like, I'd rather be jerked off on than punched in the face. | ||
| Well, you didn't even jerk off on them. | ||
| You jerked off in front of them. | ||
| Whatever it was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's like, why are we so focused on... | ||
| Let's... | ||
| It's now. | ||
| Because the Chris Brown thing happened now. | ||
| The Chris Brown thing happened before this whole Me Too thing took place. | ||
| Ah, so it's a timing thing. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Isn't that interesting? | ||
| For sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weird. | |
| There's a lot of people that snuck through that sort of time period. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Aren't you glad you never raped anybody? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Man. | ||
| I mean, I don't want to. | ||
| So glad. | ||
| I'm glad you don't have that A on your conscience and B on your record. | ||
| And also, aren't you glad you never got raped? | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| I've fucked people unconsensually. | ||
| But I've never been held down and banged. | ||
| How do you fuck people unconsensually? | ||
| Oh, you know, you got a gal and she's like, come on! | ||
| You're like, I'm good! | ||
| She's like, come on! | ||
| You're like, alright. | ||
| Oh, so you didn't really consent, but you made her... | ||
| So you made it sound like she didn't consent, but you really didn't consent. | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| But that's normal. | ||
| I think everybody does that. | ||
| You fuck your ugly wife or your ugly husband. | ||
| But if a girl wants to fuck you and she talks you into it and you feel bad afterwards, no one's going to feel sorry for you. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| But if a guy does that to a girl, bachelors a girl into doing it, people will come down hard on you. | ||
| It's weird how that works. | ||
| Because I get the dicks and DMs all day long. | ||
| I get all that shit. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| And I go, what if this bothered me? | ||
| And people go, ah, you're a guy. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Do you know Whitney? | ||
| Do you know Whitney? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I do. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Not well. | ||
| I like her. | ||
| Ask her about the DMs that she gets. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| She shows them to us. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I told her to get a book. | ||
| I said you should write a book about dick pics that people send you. | ||
| Because it's not a dozen. | ||
| It's dozens. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Dozens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man. | |
| She's always got weird dicks coming her way, too. | ||
| Like curvy? | ||
| We're in a group text. | ||
| She'll show us the dicks. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Weird, weird hooked dicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do they like, does she like it? | ||
| No! | ||
| Yeah, see, that's it. | ||
| She doesn't want it. | ||
| It's just, guys just send pictures. | ||
| They do it to every girl. | ||
| Look, there is probably a fucking gigantic population of creepy dudes out there that send dick pics. | ||
| Well, here's another one. | ||
| I was hooking up with this girl years ago I met in Arizona, and she was like, send me a dick pic. | ||
| And I was like, alright, sent her the dick pic. | ||
| Eight, five, I will say five years goes by, I get a tweet and Hey, is this Mark your dick? | ||
| It's added me. | ||
| And it was! | ||
| It was my sheets, my shoes were in it, my desk was in the background, and I was like, that's not mine. | ||
| And I was like, oh! | ||
| It spooked me! | ||
| So she sent you that or someone else did? | ||
| Some random guy like Minnesota said, hey, is this your dick? | ||
| She texted to some guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess. | |
| Fuck Mark Norman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's his cock. | |
| And I just denied it. | ||
| Oh, fuck him. | ||
| Fuck that guy. | ||
| I'm going to put it on Twitter. | ||
| I gave it a favorite and I moved on. | ||
| Isn't that interesting how Twitter lets you show dicks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Twitter lets you show hardcore porn. | ||
| Hardcore porn. | ||
| Hardcore porn. | ||
| Which is fun. | ||
| Sometimes you're in the airport, like, eh, fuck it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I'll look at this for a minute. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you could ass-fucking, cumming, everything. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| You name it, baby. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| I mean, it's a gigantic platform. | ||
| And to allow hardcore porn. | ||
| Instagram does not. | ||
| No! | ||
| Instagram, you can't even show nipple. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| You can't show anything. | ||
| Girls get kicked off of Instagram for having, like, transparent shirts. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, you can't even show nipple. | ||
| Isn't it amazing when you see how many beautiful, sexy, stunning women are on Instagram? | ||
| You could go through for hours. | ||
| It's probably our best resource. | ||
| You talk about oil and all this shit? | ||
| I think the hot women in America, it's up there. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| But it's also, there's a lot of Photoshop out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah, damn it, you're right. | |
| Remember what I was talking about? | ||
| These ladies doing cartoon work on their pictures? | ||
| Killing my dream, man. | ||
| Killing the dream. | ||
| Also, it's weird. | ||
| This is some guy's daughter and some mom's daughter. | ||
| Yep, yep. | ||
| But then she hits 24. She's on her own. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Or whatever age it is. | ||
| Are you nervous about that? | ||
| Yeah, you have to be. | ||
| But I'm also, look, I think girls like boys and boys like girls. | ||
| I want everybody to be happy, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would hope that, yeah, there's gays too. | ||
| I would hope that, you know, they could find someone who's nice to them. | ||
| And I would hope that they don't get bullshitted. | ||
| But I mean, remember you? | ||
| You were a fucking poon hound back in the 40s, you know? | ||
| You know what it's like about these dudes out there. | ||
| That was back before radio, though. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Nobody knew anything. | ||
| Nobody knew any better. | ||
| Imagine if you live in... | ||
| Like legitimately living like a thousand years ago. | ||
| They probably didn't even understand how you got pregnant. | ||
| You know, diseases killed you. | ||
| You got syphilis, everybody died, your hair fell out, your nose rotted off your face. | ||
| They would have crazy diseases and no cure. | ||
| That's probably why the Bible steps in. | ||
| You know, it's like, hey, don't eat pork. | ||
| Pork's killing everybody. | ||
| Let's say don't eat pork on Friday or whatever it is. | ||
| Abstinence, too. | ||
| They're trying to preserve you from venereal diseases. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And that's why being a virgin was so good. | ||
| You know, if you're not, you get thrown in the volcano. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I was reading this book about the Wild West, and they were talking about all the people that had syphilis. | ||
| They just all went to whorehouses, and they all got sick. | ||
| Man, we're so lucky to be alive in this time. | ||
| Oh, we're getting yelled at on Twitter! | ||
| Those guys had to ride a horse without a saddle. | ||
| But imagine when it's like a hundred years from now, they're going to be looking at these poor idiots. | ||
| They didn't have virtual reality. | ||
| I know, that's true. | ||
| They got to live in the real world and drive cars everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, ignorance is bliss, man. | ||
| Yeah, you don't know. | ||
| I mean, back in the Wild West days, they were just happy they figured out the horse. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Like, oh my God, so glad we had horses. | ||
| Imagine those idiots that didn't have horses? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| They don't walk everywhere? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Dude, that Donner Pass, the fact that that happened is bananas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Not that long ago, man. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| And it didn't just happen once. | ||
| There was a couple other instances of people trying to make it across and froze to death out there. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| But the movies in 4098 are going to be so much more boring. | ||
| We get to watch The Revenant. | ||
| Some guy's chasing Native Americans. | ||
| He's killing a bear. | ||
| He's fighting a guy in a river. | ||
| But the movie in that year is going to be a bunch of dudes podcasting. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's going to suck, because we don't have any struggles, so there's no conflict for a movie. | ||
| I wonder if they'll ever have a podcasting movie. | ||
| Oh, it's going to happen. | ||
| A movie about podcasts getting crazy, podcasts changing the world. | ||
| We've had Angry Birds. | ||
| Do you remember Christian Slater had that, what was that radio? | ||
| Pump Up the Volume. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Kevin Smith had one. | ||
| Kevin Smith did? | ||
| Yeah, we're... | ||
| Walrus. | ||
| Walrus? | ||
| Remember? | ||
| I don't know if you saw this. | ||
| It came out maybe three or four years ago. | ||
| That was about podcasting? | ||
| He played a podcaster who was going to get an interview and the guy kidnapped him and turned him into a walrus. | ||
| Oh, that's a kidnap movie. | ||
| I never saw that movie. | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| I saw Red State, though. | ||
| That was one of his best movies. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| He made me see that movie without telling me anything. | ||
| He goes, I don't want to tell you shit. | ||
| I don't want to tell you anything. | ||
| Just have a seat. | ||
| Bad PR for Republicans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tusk. | |
| That's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Tusk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy movie, though. | ||
| I was like, Jesus, Kevin. | ||
| I didn't see that coming at all. | ||
| I thought it was going to be like a funny movie. | ||
| I didn't know he had it in him. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| You just hear about, you know, comic books and hockey jerseys. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Don't show me that. | ||
| Holy hell. | ||
| Why are you showing me that? | ||
| You just spoiler alerted me. | ||
| Was that Dr. Phil? | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just typed in the movie. | |
| It's like on the front cover of the movie. | ||
| And then you showed it to me. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What if I was going to watch that tonight? | ||
| Like, I wonder how this turns out. | ||
| I wonder what it looks like. | ||
| You know what else is kooky is the fact that our attention spans are getting so short. | ||
| We like a YouTube video to be four seconds. | ||
| All we do is check the time. | ||
| But then the movies are getting longer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| So our podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bill Maher had that statement. | ||
| He was like, how come our attention span is either seven seconds or three hours? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Like the Irishman, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, these are all three hour plus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you like The Irishman? | ||
| I haven't seen it yet. | ||
| Well, you gotta watch it in chunks, which is shitty. | ||
| Because it's too long? | ||
| I love Scorsese, and I liked it. | ||
| It's not his best by far, but I liked it. | ||
| Why do you gotta watch it in chunks? | ||
| Because it's so long? | ||
| It's so long, yeah. | ||
| What if you're one of those guys that just can sit there for four hours? | ||
| You could do it, but it's like a novel. | ||
| You gotta really take it in. | ||
| How many hours is it? | ||
| Three and change, I think. | ||
| That took a break about two hours in. | ||
| I got some 20 minutes to get up and walk around. | ||
| That's weird, man. | ||
| I got some problems with it, but it's a good movie. | ||
| Yeah, when you go to the movie theaters, when was the last time you went to the movie theater and you saw a three-plus-hour movie? | ||
| I went two nights ago, but it wasn't three and a half. | ||
| When was the last time there was a legit three? | ||
| I remember that... | ||
| Tarantino movie. | ||
| They did the double feature. | ||
| They had like an intermission. | ||
| Oh, Grindhouse. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They had stuff they were playing during it. | ||
| I went to that. | ||
| I saw that in the theater. | ||
| But those are two movies. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| They're standalone. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, that was pretty fucking long too, wasn't it? | ||
| Pretty long. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I watched that twice and I loved it. | ||
| That dude, he's doing it right. | ||
| He really is! | ||
| He's doing it right. | ||
| He's got only nine movies. | ||
| He's going to make ten movies, and then he's going to retire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard he's going to TV. They're going to back up the fucking Brinks truck. | |
| But thank God he slipped through. | ||
| There's some guy out there who's just as brilliant as him who hasn't gotten a shot yet. | ||
| Maybe, but here's the thing. | ||
| He's grandfathered in, too. | ||
| Because his movies are so fucked up. | ||
| Like, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. | ||
| Spoiler alert! | ||
| There's some scenes where he's taking this chick's head and fucking smashing it. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| I don't know if a new filmmaker could get away with that today. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because some of that shit's disturbing. | ||
| It's very disturbing. | ||
| Yeah, and I think he's so grandfathered in with the hyper-violent, ultra-violent movies. | ||
| Well, it goes to show if you sell tickets, nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| You're making money. | ||
| But with him, there's no risk. | ||
| Like, if it's a Quentin Tarantino movie, he's never missed once. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Django, Hateful Eight, Pulp Fiction, you keep going down the list. | ||
| All those fucking movies. | ||
| Reservoir Dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're all killer movies. | ||
| And they're all gory as shit and dark as shit. | ||
| Has he had one bad movie? | ||
| Name a bad Tarantino movie. | ||
| Some are better than others, but none are bad. | ||
| Yeah, but they're all great. | ||
| Like, Hateful Eight I even liked. | ||
| I loved that movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was... | ||
| Django was fucking fantastic. | ||
| Django was fun. | ||
| And you get to realize Leonardo DiCaprio can act his fucking ass off. | ||
| Oh, he's amazing, man. | ||
| Like, you see him in a lot of these movies. | ||
| And you know what the problem with Leonardo DiCaprio is? | ||
| First of all, he's beautiful. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| He's getting uglier, though. | ||
| Let's give him that. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| A touch. | ||
| We're getting a little chub. | ||
| I mean, I'd still blow up. | ||
| A little chubby. | ||
| Yeah, if you had to. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But then, the other part is, climate change is real. | ||
| That kind of shit. | ||
| When people, like, accept awards and they go, climate change is real. | ||
| Like, hey, hey, hey! | ||
| You're not here for that! | ||
| Alright, we all know it's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Move on! | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| You're not fixing the world by holding your trophy for pretending. | ||
| But that's the point. | ||
| So you gotta go, okay, we put people in a bin now. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Okay, he's in the good bin. | ||
| He flies private. | ||
| Of course he flies private. | ||
| You can't say climate change is real and fly private. | ||
| Well, you can say it, but... | ||
| It's like syphilis is real, but you won't wear a condom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh-wee! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing to protect yourself from that problem? | ||
| Hmm? | ||
| Penicillin? | ||
| Hmm? | ||
| I just don't like, that's why I love Ricky Gervais' speech. | ||
| Oh, that was fun, huh? | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It would just suck to be one of the people who get pissed about that. | ||
| Like, man, what a shitty life you have. | ||
| I want to find those people and bookmark them. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Check in on them anytime anything goes wrong. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I'm friends with Ricky now. | ||
| I can say that. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| We exchanged niceties on Twitter. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, which meant the world to me. | ||
| Oh, that's beautiful. | ||
| Hey, tell me about your experiences with Seinfeld. | ||
| Since we did the last podcast, you did... | ||
| I did some gigs. | ||
| And you tell me you had a great fucking time. | ||
| Great time. | ||
| He's the coolest guy. | ||
| I mean, he helped me out by giving these gigs. | ||
| I opened for him at the Beacon. | ||
| And he's a cool dude because he goes, I want one green room. | ||
| And you go, whoa, I don't want to bother you. | ||
| And he goes, no, no, I want to hang. | ||
| How cool is that? | ||
| That's very cool. | ||
| Fucking zillionaire legend comedy guy wants to hang with my dumbass. | ||
| Well, I think that's one of the things that a lot of comics miss when they get really big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you're Jerry Seinfeld, it's like all the rest of us are in this place and he's legend. | ||
| He's Seinfeld. | ||
| But that's how we see him. | ||
| He still sees himself as this Long Island nobody, which is so cool and also why he's still funny. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And he's like, I'm worried I'm not relevant anymore. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| What do you mean relevant? | ||
| Your show comes on eight times a day. | ||
| You got comedians in cars. | ||
| You're touring everywhere. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| It's hilarious to think that he's not relevant. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's like David Tell. | ||
| David Tell, I'm a hack. | ||
| I suck. | ||
| I'm an old hack. | ||
| You're brilliant. | ||
| You're one of the best ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| That's why he's so funny, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| It's because he's not blowing himself. | ||
| Larry David. | ||
| Larry David's like, ah, I suck. | ||
| I'm in the way. | ||
| Nobody likes me. | ||
| Driving a Prius. | ||
| You're my hero. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But every time he looks in the mirror, he's a bald nothing. | ||
| Worth a half a billion dollars. | ||
| I know, and he's genius. | ||
| He's changed my life. | ||
| He's changed the world with his comedy, and it won't sink in. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's why they're so good. | ||
| That's why they're good. | ||
| I think if you start really believing you're something special, you're fucking doomed. | ||
| You're doomed. | ||
| You're doomed, because then you're not going to be you. | ||
| You're going to be some, like, yeah, I'm fucking awesome. | ||
| I'll just go out there and be awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| And I've seen that before, and it's ugly. | ||
| It's an ugly picture when guys, they think they're the shit now, and then they don't try that hard. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And they don't work at it. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And you think they can just go out there and talk to people, and people are just happy to see them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That lasts for about three minutes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then people are like, what is happening here? | ||
| Confidence is a killer, man. | ||
| It can be. | ||
| It can be. | ||
| Through hard work and discipline, knowing that you're ready, but even then you still have to have that little edge. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| A little edge of fear. | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| Some of the great fighters were all bullied or something. | ||
| There's something behind them where they just have that extra flame in them. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| I mean, almost all of them will tell you. | ||
| Some of them will hide it, but almost all of them will tell you that they're terrified. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I heard Cowboy was talking about how he flips out before every fight and he's in his head. | ||
| I'm like, oh, good! | ||
| That's how I am before a special or a late night or whatever. | ||
| And you feel better. | ||
| You're like, okay, I'm not a wuss. | ||
| Yeah, any good set, anything that's important, those butterflies are going to be fluttering around. | ||
| Your adrenaline's going to be pumping. | ||
| You're like, holy fuck, here we go. | ||
| Chappelle talks about it. | ||
| Chappelle's like, I get nervous. | ||
| And if you watch interviews, he's hunched over, he's weird, and he's not this cocky savant, you know, smoking. | ||
| I mean, he is. | ||
| He's brilliant, but he's not that guy. | ||
| I think he's just mastered that look in a way. | ||
| He works hard, but he's calm because he's done so many sets. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he's so good. | ||
| I mean, he kills 99.99999% of the time. | ||
| But when we worked together, we did a couple of arenas together, we were both like, alright, here we go. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you get, you know, like right before we go on stage, he was about to go up there, about to, he looked at me, he goes, not a whole lot of motherfuckers get to do this. | ||
| And then he went out there and fucking murdered. | ||
| How great is that? | ||
| It's this feeling that you get before a show. | ||
| If you don't have that... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And everybody's scared of that feeling, right? | ||
| Because that feeling is like, God, I don't want to be uncomfortable. | ||
| I just can't wait until I'm so confident. | ||
| But you will never be that because if you are, then you won't be funny anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| It's a catch-28. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| And they always say, do something every day that scares you. | ||
| And we do every day. | ||
| I mean, comedy, people are like, why do you get up so much? | ||
| Because I'm scared of it and I don't want it to overwhelm me. | ||
| I want to be able to control the fear a little. | ||
| Also, if you're building your act, it's almost imperative that you go up every day. | ||
| Oh, it's not almost. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Yeah, I shouldn't say almost. | ||
| There's bits that grow the more you do them. | ||
| Like, you have a new tag, like, oh my god, that tag's perfect. | ||
| How many times have you done a special, and then a week later you come up with a line, you're like... | ||
| I wish that was in there. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| Bits are never done. | ||
| They're done. | ||
| They're never done, but then they are. | ||
| Then they're overdone. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You overcook it. | ||
| Yeah, and then you're like, oh, I hate this bit. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| And that's a problem if you try to record. | ||
| You know, Tom Segura had an excellent strategy for that. | ||
| You know, we were talking about it, and he said- He records quick. | ||
| He's prolific. | ||
| He's super prolific. | ||
| But he also says that what he does is, like some bits, he'll get bored with them, and he just won't use them. | ||
| For like months at a time and it'll replace him with new bits and then it'll come back to them when he's about to film so it feels fresh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I couldn't do that. | ||
| I need all the time I have. | ||
| My jokes are too short. | ||
| That's impressive. | ||
| Yeah, but you have non-sequiturs. | ||
| You have a lot of non-sequiturs. | ||
| Yeah, just boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| And I'm such a... | ||
| Pussy that I need laughs. | ||
| Silence, I'm not good with. | ||
| Like, I see Bill Burr working shit out, and the crowd's like, where's he going with this? | ||
| And then you see him two weeks later, and it's murdering. | ||
| Right. | ||
| To me, I'm like, I gotta get more of that. | ||
| I gotta get more... | ||
| The ability to just... | ||
| Sit in it. | ||
| Eat the dicks. | ||
| Yeah, and don't get me wrong, I bomb quite a bit, but... | ||
| It's not on purpose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Chris Rock used to do that all the time, man. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen that. | ||
| He would walk in there and just fucking... | ||
| Just try. | ||
| Just practice shit. | ||
| What else? | ||
| What else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he would even tell the audience, hey, don't get too excited. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| He would just go up there and fucking make it happen. | ||
| Well, the audience can be such... | ||
| - They queef sometimes, 'cause they're like, hey, this is mean, and you're like, yeah, but I'm going somewhere, you dumbass. | ||
| I'm working this out and it's gonna be beautiful. | ||
| Stop stepping on the buds of the roses, 'cause it'll be a bud one day. | ||
| Don't step on it yet, but people are so quick to negate. - Well, one of the good things about the comedy store is they know that we're working shit out. | ||
| We talk about it so much on podcasts. | ||
| They know that. | ||
| And I've had people come up to me and go, dude, I saw that bit four months ago and I just saw it again. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| It's come to life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go, yeah, it sucked four months ago, right? | ||
| He was like, I didn't think it was going to be very good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Of course, but we know. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| But I got a bit of a beef with these bigger name guys doing that. | ||
| They go, I go to the clubs to work it out. | ||
| I'm like, well, they're still paid. | ||
| They're still real people who want to show, so I get a little wishy-washy with that. | ||
| I like to sandwich bits in between proven bits. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| You gotta try them out. | ||
| But sometimes I'll open with them, man. | ||
| Sometimes I'll come out of the gate with a new bit. | ||
| That works, too, because the fear of it makes you come up with something that you wouldn't have before. | ||
| It'll also make you really go over it in your head. | ||
| Make sure you've got all the fucking I's dotted and the T's crossed. | ||
| Yeah, that's the key. | ||
| Fear is there, so why not twist it and use it? | ||
| The way the newspapers spin, you've got to spin your emotions. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And get something out of it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So you're filming tonight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And two shows? | ||
| Two shows. | ||
| I've been doing this hour forever, and I'm getting to the point where I go back to San Francisco, I go back to Denver, and they go, well, we saw a lot of this. | ||
| So I've got to put it down. | ||
| I don't want to let people down with the same material. | ||
| And it's killer, it's tight, it ends big, it starts big, it's dark, it's edgy, whatever you want to call it. | ||
| And I can't sell it. | ||
| Nobody wants to buy it, so fuck it. | ||
| I'll do it myself. | ||
| How is nobody buying your special? | ||
| Well, you got to have a hook now. | ||
| I feel like if you're a cracker. | ||
| You know, you got to be depressed. | ||
| You got to be molested. | ||
| You got to be half Jew or something. | ||
| You got to be in a wheelchair. | ||
| We need a good, hurtful, derogatory term for white men. | ||
| We need one. | ||
| Yeah, well, ironically, it's straight white male. | ||
| Yeah, but it doesn't work. | ||
| It doesn't hurt. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You call me a straight white male, I'm like, eh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's nothing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But, you know, there's words. | ||
| There's certain words. | ||
| Sure, but I will say this. | ||
| When you grow up in a neighborhood and you're the minority, getting called a white boy or honky, it hurts. | ||
| Okay, so when you grew up and you were a minority, it actually was effective. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But is it effective today still? | ||
| Not really, but it is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Didn't stick. | |
| But if you're a black kid and you grow up in a white neighborhood and you hear that shit all the time and it hurts and then you grow up and then you're no longer in that fucked up environment and someone calls it to you again, it still hurts. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Still works. | ||
| Because you're still a minority. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| White boy doesn't work anymore. | ||
| If somebody calls you white boy, you're like, well, I guess you're mad at me. | ||
| It doesn't hurt, but that's the problem. | ||
| It's just the intent. | ||
| Like, why do you want to hurt me? | ||
| That's what stings, not the actual word. | ||
| Like, what's your beef? | ||
| But there's a sting to the N-word that's never been reached with any other word. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| No other word. | ||
| Cunt. | ||
| No other word. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Maybe the F? No, no. | ||
| No, it's not the same, because they weren't enslaved. | ||
| Well, not only that, it didn't have dual meaning. | ||
| Like, that word also has a meaning that you say to your friends in a joking way, and nobody gets upset at all. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you can say it to heterosexual people. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| They would joke around about it. | ||
| It means different things. | ||
| I would never call you the N-word in the locker room. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| Unless you were packing. | ||
| That's exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Then I'd be like, oh, this guy's a real black guy. | ||
| Yeah, it's, you know, the real problem is actual racism. | ||
| If there was no racism, then no one would give a fuck what words you used, and it would all be fun. | ||
| Because if you had a derogatory term towards people, it wouldn't even work. | ||
| Right, well, did you see that tweet about how the alt rooms, the audience is all white, and then the club shows it's diverse, even though we're saying the fucked up shit? | ||
| That's a great point. | ||
| I should give the guy credit, but I forgot who said it. | ||
| I did a set at the UCB about 10 years ago. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| They don't pay. | ||
| Well, that's a whole different bag of hammers. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You're selling out every night, you have a packed house, and you don't pay the comics. | ||
| What are you selling? | ||
| Are you selling something that I don't know about? | ||
| This is the name UCB. That's nonsense. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| The name UCB exists because of guys like Patton, Sarah Silverman, Louie, and all the people that perform there. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I mean, look, they got their hustle. | ||
| I'm not trying to knock it. | ||
| And it's working, apparently. | ||
| The comedy store pays. | ||
| Yeah, it pays well. | ||
| And it's a fucking great show every night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Improv pays. | ||
| These clubs pay. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I mean, I don't want all the money. | ||
| I just, like, you gotta give me something. | ||
| And I give it to the bartender, and I give it to the door guy, and I give it to the guy who parks the cars. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I spread it around. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But you gotta, like, you can't take all the money. | ||
| Yeah, I wrote these jokes. | ||
| I drove here. | ||
| Not only that, yeah, it's like, what are you selling? | ||
| I know. | ||
| You have a fucked up business that's relying on people being suckers. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| You're relying on comics being suckers. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But you're getting stage time. | ||
| So what? | ||
| I can get stage time anywhere I want. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you can. | |
| So could you. | ||
| I can now. | ||
| You can get stage time at a lot of... | ||
| You can now. | ||
| And meanwhile, people would come to see you and they would pay money to see you and you wouldn't get any of that money. | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| That is very strange. | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I filled your room up. | ||
| Yes, you filled the room up and you killed. | ||
| Where's the money? | ||
| Oh, you bought a new house? | ||
| And then they'll buy a new building. | ||
| And then these guys are driving Ferraris to work or whatever. | ||
| I don't know if they're driving Ferraris. | ||
| They probably drive Hondas. | ||
| And they take them home. | ||
| Then they take their Ferrari out. | ||
| Ha ha ha! | ||
|
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Suckers! | |
| Also, those audiences aren't as good, which is weird, too. | ||
| Like, I'm working for free. | ||
| And, yeah, that's a very precious vibe in there where you say, like, my roommate's gay. | ||
| And they're like, wait, you said gay. | ||
| Hold on, let me dissect this. | ||
| You're like, now you're not even thinking about the joke anymore because you're just so busy worrying about these terms. | ||
| Well, it's probably a lot of young kids, too. | ||
| Very young. | ||
| They're riding that woke pony. | ||
|
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Woo! | |
| The woke pony. | ||
| So what are you going to do? | ||
| Are you going to YouTube it? | ||
| I'll try to shop it around. | ||
| What about Amazon? | ||
| Yeah, they got a lot of... | ||
| You got to have a favor done for you. | ||
| Jeff Bezos, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, put it out. | ||
| Mark Norman, trust me. | ||
| Killer. | ||
| Yeah, tweet it out. | ||
|
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Do something. | |
| I will 100% tweet it out. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| Once you film it, I think once you film it and people get a look at it, I bet you'll sell it. | ||
| I really believe that. | ||
| I just want eyeballs on it. | ||
| That's all I want. | ||
| You'll definitely get that. | ||
| If you put it on YouTube, I'll tweet the fuck out of it. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| You're a good egg. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You're a good egg, too. | ||
| Hey, thanks. | ||
| But yeah, you start doing comedy, and you feel like you're getting somewhere, and then you try to sell a special that's been worked out for years, and it's tight as a drum, and everybody goes, this is a great thing. | ||
| Why won't Netflix pick it up? | ||
| Not what we're looking for. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's all branding now. | ||
| We want branding. | ||
| We've got to fit a certain quota, which I guess I get. | ||
| Do you, though? | ||
| I'm all about spreading the love and diverse and hooking people up, but if it's funny, it's funny. | ||
| Stand-up comedy has always been a meritocracy, and I think it should stay that way. | ||
| And there's plenty of funny women. | ||
| There's plenty of funny everything. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Fill in the blank. | ||
| Especially now. | ||
| I mean, look at all the Asians. | ||
| There was like one funny Asian, or one famous Asian, I should say. | ||
| It was Margaret Cho. | ||
| And now it's like Ronnie Chang, Ali Wong, Shang Wang. | ||
| Ronnie Chang is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Killer! | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| You see the new spesh? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Very good. | ||
| He's good, man. | ||
| Yeah, and he's angry. | ||
| Yeah, angry and tight and relatable. | ||
| Like, the topics, fucking tight shit. | ||
| Really good, man. | ||
| He had that great bit about the internet, about how it's going to be like smoking in 20 years. | ||
| Like, I can't believe you let your kid look at the internet. | ||
| You looked at the internet while you were pregnant? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Great bit. | ||
| Great angle. | ||
| That is a great angle. | ||
| That's a great angle. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of good comedy right now. | ||
| There's a lot of bad comedy. | ||
| There's a lot of... | ||
| Yeah, but there's more good comedy than I think there's ever been before. | ||
| Of course, of course. | ||
| I don't think I've ever known a time where there's this many straight-up assassins. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why do you think that is? | ||
| The internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| More platforms for people. | ||
| You know, look at guys like Schultz, who's literally become one of the biggest comics in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's huge! | |
| Just through putting his own stuff online, and for the same reason, because they didn't want to buy his shit. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| But he's filming a new one, and that is getting picked up by someone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard. | |
| Yeah, listen. | ||
| The world is open for great content, and he takes advantage of all the platforms. | ||
| He's really good at putting funny videos on, all those fashion videos that he does. | ||
| I mean, he orchestrates them and coordinates them, and I think he'll go down in history as some kind of marketing guru. | ||
| He's a genius. | ||
| It's impressive. | ||
| And he's a great comic on top of that, which you usually don't get. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You usually get a really good marketer who kind of sucks as a comic, or you get a guy like Attell, who's a genius who doesn't market himself at all. | ||
| No, he can barely sell a DVD. And he doesn't change, his clothes is the same thing. | ||
| It's a hat, a black jacket. | ||
| It's like he wears the same shit. | ||
| Yeah, he always says, I look like an unemployed umpire. | ||
| I mean, he's fucking brilliant. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| But he's the worst marketer of all time. | ||
| When I hear that he can't sell tickets in certain markets, I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I almost want him to call me every time he's got a gig and I'll tweet it. | ||
| But people want a cartoon when you really break it down. | ||
| I know of guys who are funnier than Fluffy, but Fluffy sells out arenas because they like him. | ||
| That's not just about the writing. | ||
| He's very personable. | ||
| Yes, he's very likable. | ||
| I think the problem with the tale is that he doesn't market himself well. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And no one else does either. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| But I think the bumping mics things changed. | ||
| That helped. | ||
| That helped him. | ||
| Because Jeff Ross is such a personable guy, and the two of them together, it's hilarious. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And it's fun, and it's a really big Netflix show. | ||
| Yeah, and he's great at it. | ||
| And they can do a hundred of those. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The two of them together, they can do a hundred of those. | ||
| It never ends. | ||
| But I just think people need to know, it's gotta be like, we're animals. | ||
| You gotta go, oh, the fat guy. | ||
| Oh, the dumb guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| Or the family guy, you know? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Yeah, fluffy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I like that guy. | ||
| Yeah, Hawaiian shirt, big guy, Hispanic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's gotta be bite-sized nugget of who you are. | ||
| I know you're into cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I'm doing Matt's show tomorrow. | ||
| You're doing Matt Ferris' show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| 8 a.m. | ||
| Venice, baby. | ||
| Malibu. | ||
| I'm driving a... | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You're probably hungover. | ||
| Oh, I'm going to be hurting. | ||
| That's early, too. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I'll probably be legally drunk. | ||
| Fluffy's into cars, but he's into Volkswagen buses. | ||
| Bro, he's got like 30 of them. | ||
| That's a weird choice. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| He's got a warehouse filled with Volkswagen buses. | ||
| I like them, but... | ||
| But they're all, like, customized. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| Like, I never would have guessed. | ||
| Like, someone told me he's a car guy. | ||
| I mean, he's got a bunch of other cars, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he's rich! | ||
| But he's got a warehouse filled with these fucking Volkswagen buses. | ||
| What a weird vice. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at his Volkswagen buses. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| They're dope, too. | ||
| They're like mint. | ||
| Mint condition. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a sneaker collection. | ||
| It's just got different colors. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| And all these Volkswagen posters on the wall. | ||
| They're pretty badass. | ||
| But how weird is that, that he kept buying them? | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| After he had two, and he's like, eh, I'm good. | ||
| It's weird that that's the thing that grabs him. | ||
| He's like, I gotta have them. | ||
| He probably has more than 30. I mean, look at that. | ||
| Hey, click on that video. | ||
| Can you click on that video? | ||
| No, we can't. | ||
| We can't play it. | ||
| I've got to wrap this up anyway. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| We're closing in on 6 p.m. | ||
| By the way, you never let me drive that Tesla. | ||
| I'm holding you to it. | ||
| All right, I will let you drive it. | ||
| One day. | ||
| One day. | ||
| I still don't know how to drive a stick. | ||
| Tomorrow, you're going to do Matt Ferris show. | ||
| Are you around tomorrow night? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Come to the store, baby. | ||
| I didn't want to bug anybody. | ||
| Come to the store. | ||
| I'll get you on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, I'll be there. | ||
| I'll make a call. | ||
| Oh, thanks, man. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Mark Norman on Twitter. | ||
| Mark Norman on Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, my podcast, Tuesdays with Stories, and MarkNormanComedy.com. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And we'll let you know as soon as this special, wherever it lands, wherever it's going to be, we'll tweet the shit out of that. | ||
| Not a bad person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Praise Allah. |
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