Speaker | Time | Text |
---|---|---|
And the first sound is a slurp. | ||
Hello, Eliza. | ||
It's a cozy morning. | ||
What's going on, my friend? | ||
It is kind of cozy, right? | ||
For California, it's like a little chill in the air. | ||
Makes you feel like there's real weather here. | ||
It does. | ||
Like we're in a normal place. | ||
Yeah, a normal place. | ||
With normal people. | ||
Like where things change. | ||
Like you get a winter and a summer and a spring. | ||
We get a slight chill and we're like, ooh, my God, it's real. | ||
With the season changing, though, nobody ages. | ||
Like it's still that perennial, somewhere between 20 to 45 year old. | ||
Nobody ages. | ||
What do you mean? | ||
Everybody in LA, like there's like this nebulous age where it's like, Behavior-wise and everything, you're somewhere between 25 and 45. And then on either side of that, you're too old or too young. | ||
But everybody is this kind of... | ||
You can act like a child here. | ||
That's an interesting observation. | ||
It's totally true, right? | ||
Because they don't have the responsibility of having to shovel snow and prepare for the winter and get up and scrape your windshield because there's ice on it. | ||
Or prepare for life. | ||
You could be a 45-year-old dude and you're like, I do improv and I have a roommate and girls are like, awesome. | ||
Are they really awesome? | ||
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
Really? | ||
What girls? | ||
None that I know. | ||
Someone's fucking. | ||
You think so? | ||
Other girls that are like that. | ||
That's who's fucking. | ||
Other people that... | ||
There's like a... | ||
You know there's certain people that we know... | ||
Okay, let's not even say we know. | ||
That we've run into in our life that are on this show business path and they are fucked. | ||
And you know they're like a stampeding herd of buffalo that are headed for a cliff. | ||
And there's no way out. | ||
You're either going to get some kind of a job, and you're going to be bitter and angry, or you're just going to keep doing this forever and it's never going to happen. | ||
I feel like with comedy in particular, it's one of those careers where... | ||
It's not even you fail upward, you just fail laterally. | ||
Like, comedy is one of those things where you can kind of just continue to exist in and around it despite actual talent. | ||
Like, we all know the comics where it's like, you're not dead yet? | ||
They're like, no! | ||
I'm writing ads that go on the back of tickets. | ||
I'm writing commercial parodies for, like, comedy.net. | ||
Like, just existing in subdivisions of the realm of comedy. | ||
And they think that they're in the game, but really they're in the parking lot. | ||
Well, then there's the weird ones that come to the store, and they come to the improv, and they hang out. | ||
But they don't really go up, ever. | ||
I don't understand that. | ||
I don't understand that. | ||
The myth of the hang. | ||
The idea is that you would be hanging, if you don't know anyone, you want to meet some new friends, or your friends are there. | ||
But I see people that just bob and weave, and they act like they're looking for someone. | ||
I'm like, there's no one there. | ||
You're just here hoping someone talks to you, but you've been doing this for so long. | ||
Go home. | ||
Write something. | ||
Yeah, but it's not going to happen. | ||
I'm not going to do it. | ||
Comedy is one of those things, I feel like you could learn how to play music. | ||
Someone could teach you how to move your fingers in the right direction. | ||
I mean, you might never be Jimi Hendrix. | ||
You might never be some virtuoso who stands out. | ||
But you might get good at music if you could put the practice in. | ||
You could learn the math of it. | ||
Comedy is not that. | ||
My college, Emerson College, now offers... | ||
Shout out to Boston. | ||
unidentified
|
Shout out. | |
Woo! | ||
Offers a comedy major. | ||
Oh, good luck with that. | ||
Right. | ||
I'm like, you're either funny or you're not. | ||
And you can learn what makes a script funny and you can learn about timing and things, but you have it innately or you don't. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I firmly believe that. | ||
I do too. | ||
And the amount of people, you know, You can't tell someone. | ||
There are plenty of people who aren't naturally funny that make a huge career out of things, you know, because someone else unfunny finds them funny. | ||
But it's one of those things where I'm not going to be the one to tell you to give up on your dream. | ||
Like, that's not my position to tell someone that. | ||
But you're constantly surrounded by these, like, it's almost like this walking dead of unfunny. | ||
Like, they're just at the shows and they're just there for decades of your life. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
It's hard. | ||
Sometimes they'll ask me to get on the podcast, too. | ||
And I'll be like, what are you saying? | ||
What do you say? | ||
I don't know. | ||
You say no? | ||
You're very good. | ||
I remember watching you. | ||
I've told you this before. | ||
We were at the store one time, and there's this... | ||
Because you're so... | ||
Alpha. | ||
Like a proper, and I say this to you every time I see you, like a proper definition of one. | ||
And I think that like a real alpha male doesn't seek to disempower, doesn't seek to make anybody else feel bad. | ||
Like you're just like, this is what I do, and I set my boundaries. | ||
And we were in that back outside bar where only comics are allowed. | ||
And this guy walked up to you. | ||
Do you remember this? | ||
And he was a little bit in your space, harmless. | ||
He was like, oh, Joe, can I get a picture? | ||
And you were like, you cannot be back here. | ||
You've got to go. | ||
Well, I saw him weasel through. | ||
He came from the show and then went through the back kitchen area and then went to... | ||
It's happened a few times where people know that we hang out back there because we talk about it on the podcast. | ||
We go back there to smoke and then all of a sudden there'll be like me and, you know, Callan or whoever and you and comics just talking about the sets. | ||
Like, are you doing a Tripoli show? | ||
Like, what's going on? | ||
Not cool stuff, folks. | ||
And then all of a sudden, someone's right here. | ||
Like, hey man, hey, what's up? | ||
Hey, dude, can I get a picture? | ||
You're like... | ||
You're not supposed to be back. | ||
There's a sign. | ||
You said that. | ||
I don't know that... | ||
It's like we all... | ||
I put my foot down for certain things. | ||
And of course, as you get older, you get better about it. | ||
But I straight up... | ||
I don't know that I could say that to someone. | ||
I allow people in my space. | ||
And I'm like, you kind of just tolerate it because you never know. | ||
And there's that fear like, what is this person? | ||
But you were very like, you can't be here. | ||
And the guy was like, oh, so sorry. | ||
Well, I'm happy to take a picture with somebody. | ||
But I knew that that guy had gotten into the employees area. | ||
He had weaseled his way back through. | ||
Yeah, but you did that and I remember watching it and I was like... | ||
You could do it. | ||
The problem is with women, men get really fucking creepy. | ||
Men get really shitty with women. | ||
If a woman says you can't be here, who knows? | ||
Who knows what kind of a man you're dealing with? | ||
I can speak to that. | ||
And I also remember I was on your podcast forever ago, and I had done this show, and I brought up this thing. | ||
I get a lot of incels Instagramming me about this, because this guy came into our group. | ||
It was a group of women standing outside, and he asked for a lighter. | ||
Oh yeah, I remember this. | ||
And all of the betas, you've got a lot of great fans, but on the fringe ones, they were like, oh, don't ask her for a lighter. | ||
And I'm like, tell you what, when someone bigger and stronger than you that has the ability to hurt you comes into your personal space, not really wanting a lighter, wanting something else, and your sensors go off, make sure that you stay silent and see how great you feel. | ||
I don't think there's any respect for the idea that, like, sometimes you feel scared, and it's not like a cry wolf thing. | ||
Like, I'm a tough chick. | ||
I don't walk around, like, afraid, but every once in a while... | ||
Show me some knuckles. | ||
Tough chick. | ||
They're all bloated from vodka last night. | ||
There's a thing, like, someone can do it the right way. | ||
Like, someone could say, excuse me, do any of you ladies have a lighter? | ||
Easily. | ||
And then he's like, no, sorry, we don't smoke. | ||
Okay, cool, thank you. | ||
But I've had it happen where somebody, they put their energy and they're like, who has a lighter? | ||
And you're like, I don't think what you want is a lighter. | ||
And I stand by that decision. | ||
It's all context. | ||
I think so. | ||
So it's a technicality. | ||
And it's like, okay. | ||
So if you wanted to have white power and not at the Laugh Factory, you just have to cut Jamie a check. | ||
Say we're going to take over the place. | ||
I think my biggest issue would be cutting Jamie a check. | ||
Buddy, listen, we have white power night. | ||
Love to have you in, but you're not white power. | ||
White power open mic night. | ||
There are no jokes. | ||
Everyone is fully erect. | ||
Buddy, everybody already did Sieg Heil. | ||
You can't do Sieg Heil. | ||
Have you been banned from there? | ||
No. | ||
Okay, because I was. | ||
Yeah, I know. | ||
Well, I was your first guest on your podcast that you were doing out of there. | ||
I know. | ||
And you were. | ||
And that was so cool of you because it was a podcast. | ||
There was no money in it. | ||
But you were a friend. | ||
Like, I didn't get any... | ||
Like, it was a dinky podcast run in the attic of the Laugh Factory. | ||
And when you decided to leave the Laugh Factory as a venue for your podcast, you wanted to expand. | ||
Jamie said, buddy, you can no longer do your Sieg Heil in my club. | ||
To the two Jews. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
He... | |
Yelled at me. | ||
And this was four years ago. | ||
He yelled... | ||
I was offered my podcast. | ||
This is an old podcast to run it out of the improv. | ||
And so I called Jamie and I said, I got offered my podcast somewhere else and I'm going to take it there. | ||
I just wanted to respectfully... | ||
Because they had set up a whole podcast studio. | ||
The improv... | ||
Yes. | ||
unidentified
|
They set it up. | |
They were like, come over here. | ||
We'll get you advertisers. | ||
We'll produce this. | ||
Because the Laugh Factory, they would put it up, but that was it. | ||
it there was no business behind it and i was fine with that i wasn't trying to make money improv asked me over there i go okay great so man to man i called jamie i go i just want to say man to man man to man i talked to him like a man whoa i called him up and i said listen fucker no i just said hey i just want to let you know i've been offered to take my podcast somewhere else and i'm going to take that opportunity and i just want to give you the respect of telling you versus just leaving absolutely no problem you're family really and by the way He said no problem? | ||
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
That's why this is so insane. | ||
No problem. | ||
You are family. | ||
Go ahead. | ||
I'm making him sound Russian. | ||
But it's like a weird accent anyway. | ||
So I go and keep in mind, I was like the textbook picture employee. | ||
They're like, I'm one of three women that performed there regularly at the time, like headlining women. | ||
I baked cookies for the waitresses. | ||
I would bust my hump to get there because there's times where it was written in stone. | ||
Like, it's 8.45. | ||
Can I get 8.50? | ||
I'm running. | ||
No! | ||
This is the time. | ||
Like, I never ran the light. | ||
Like, I was really respectful. | ||
And like an hour later, he calls me yelling at me. | ||
What? | ||
You did not say you are taking your podcast to levity, which is the governing, for those of you who know, body that owns a lot of the improvs, and they're a huge thing. | ||
But you told me you're going to the improv. | ||
I just said I'm taking it elsewhere. | ||
It didn't occur to me to say it, but it also – Levity is so big. | ||
It's like I didn't even think, oh, it's a competing thing. | ||
I think of the factory as a couple of clubs and Levity is more of like an enterprise. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Plus I don't play my factory clubs. | ||
Right. | ||
Just yelling at me, acting like I did this duplicitous thing. | ||
He hangs up on me. | ||
Hangs up on me. | ||
Grown man. | ||
And I go on the website that night. | ||
My name is taken down off all the shows. | ||
I'm pretty sure he removed my face from that mosaic of comics outside. | ||
I am persona non grata. | ||
And so, did I ever tell you the conclusion of this? | ||
No. | ||
It really hurt my feelings. | ||
Really? | ||
And I'm the kind of person, if you shut a door in my face, I will nail it closed. | ||
And I call the Laugh Factory and all the girls that are working there, and I said, why didn't anyone, like, we're all cool. | ||
Like, did no one even stand up for me? | ||
Like, I didn't really do anything wrong. | ||
And this one girl goes, you know, he's just really stressed. | ||
A lot of people are leaving the production office. | ||
So I think he's stressed because a lot of employees are leaving. | ||
And I go, who's left? | ||
And she said this one girl, who doesn't matter the name, said this one girl, and I go, okay, give me her number. | ||
And I called her, and I said, hi, it's Eliza, because she worked on my podcast. | ||
And I was like, I will give you X amount of money if you walk out of the Laugh Factory today and come work for me. | ||
And it was like a chunk of cash. | ||
And I was like, I need the answer by noon. | ||
I'll be at Kings Road Cafe. | ||
There was no reason to put a clock on it. | ||
I was just feeling really nuggish. | ||
He put a power move down. | ||
And that's who's sitting in our lobby now. | ||
She's been my assistant for four years. | ||
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
I rescued her. | ||
She's my angel in my heartbeat. | ||
And only recently were they like, she can come back. | ||
Because my face is on the side of the fucking building. | ||
Oh, you can come back now? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Do you come back? | ||
I did one show back. | ||
Did you? | ||
Did you see Jamie? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
I said, I go, he doesn't need to apologize, but I'm walking in with my head held high and I'm doing my set. | ||
I'm not like, everybody was super cool, he's not there, because he farms it out now to other bookers. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Did he put your video up on YouTube? | ||
Did he film your set without your knowledge? | ||
I told Brian Monarch, I go, I'm going, because I'm doing another show there too. | ||
I go, I'm going, if you film me, I will have a Kramer conversation. | ||
Moment. | ||
Like, I will flip out on you in an epic way. | ||
Like, it is a non-negotiable thing. | ||
So they said no. | ||
I talked to Bill about this. | ||
He goes, nah, they don't do that. | ||
If you ask them, they don't put your video up. | ||
I go, yeah? | ||
I go, look for your videos. | ||
We're in the fucking green room of the Ice House. | ||
And he goes, What the fuck? | ||
It's like old comedy, too. | ||
Well, it doesn't matter. | ||
I mean, Chappelle, that's one of the reasons why Chappelle won't go there. | ||
He went there just to work out, and this is when he was not doing shows and not doing specials, and they put all his shit online. | ||
No asking him, no nothing. | ||
I think that they've got new management there or whatever, but it's... | ||
It trickled down from the top. | ||
Oh, for sure. | ||
There's no way anybody's just recording people on their own and putting it on the fucking internet. | ||
No, they know that it's not cool and they're doing it anyway. | ||
I also... | ||
Yeah. | ||
For people who don't know how comedy works, we need to work out. | ||
If Eliza comes up with a bit tonight and works on it tonight, if someone records it and films it and puts it online, that bit's fucked. | ||
Because that bit's not done. | ||
That bit's a baby. | ||
You're being judged on that bit. | ||
It would be like anything if you were an athlete and you went to a workout and they're like, well, you can't make the team. | ||
You're like, well, I'm still working out. | ||
I'm going to get bigger. | ||
It's not even just that. | ||
It's like eating a half-baked cake. | ||
Yeah, it's just... | ||
The premise is cooked. | ||
You fucked the premise up. | ||
Now it's out there. | ||
It's tricky because we rely on live audiences. | ||
Thankfully, the vast majority of people that come to comedy clubs, particularly in LA, are really cool. | ||
We have no problems with this. | ||
It's not an issue. | ||
But this is a thing that we need... | ||
And because everyone has a recording device now, it used to be difficult to bring a recording device into a comedy club. | ||
Now everyone has them by default on their phone. | ||
My favorite thing is, I understand if you're Dave Chappelle and you're like, I need your phone zipped up because this is sacred material. | ||
We all have our material that we need to make money off of. | ||
Some comics are bigger than others. | ||
My favorite is when shitty comics are like, we need your phones taken away. | ||
I'm like, nobody's checking for your act. | ||
Nobody's taking your act. | ||
Unless you say something stupid. | ||
Yeah, there's that. | ||
Then they'll try to ruin your career with it. | ||
Should be a social contract. | ||
The improv does that with every show. | ||
I love that. | ||
And by the way, I'm there this Friday night, 10.30. | ||
Just announced it. | ||
Just put it up online. | ||
I'm also there this week, but I don't have my phone with me. | ||
I'm just doing 15 minutes. | ||
But that, to me, I think it slows it down at the improv. | ||
Yeah, it does. | ||
It does slow it down. | ||
I've never been worried about that. | ||
But it also makes people more aware. | ||
They're just not checking their goddamn phone all the time. | ||
One of my favorite shows that I ever did when I was doing that, when I prepare for my Netflix special the last couple months before, I did all my shows with these phone bags. | ||
It gets to be a pain in the ass, especially when you're doing giant places. | ||
But in Miami is the best. | ||
Because Miami... | ||
Everyone is doing coke and no one is paying attention to anything and they're all looking at their phones constantly. | ||
So you could use your phone, but you had to leave the building to use your phone. | ||
So everyone was getting up and going out and coming down and coming in. | ||
So during the show, it was just constant people coming in and sitting down. | ||
The only place, out of all the places I did, Miami was the only place where people were constantly getting up and sitting down. | ||
Not even aware that you're doing a performance. | ||
They're like, we don't care. | ||
Well, Miami's just crazy. | ||
It's its own thing. | ||
Yeah, it's another country. | ||
It really is. | ||
It's wild. | ||
It's fun. | ||
It's a great place to visit. | ||
I love Miami. | ||
I love the food. | ||
I love the people. | ||
I love the attitude down there. | ||
But it's just, it's not the best place to perform. | ||
You said that to me in an airport once. | ||
I remember everything you say. | ||
You said that to me. | ||
Now I feel bad repeating it, but we were in an airport and you were going to Miami. | ||
I was going somewhere else and you were like, if you want to starve to death, open a library in Miami. | ||
Open a bookstore. | ||
Open a bookstore! | ||
Because I remember thinking, well, no one makes money off a library. | ||
You said that. | ||
And I always remember you said that. | ||
I've only played Miami proper once. | ||
But I always play like Fort Lauderdale and all the things around it. | ||
I used to do the improv with Joey Diaz. | ||
We used to go down and do that improv down there in Coconut Grove. | ||
Holy shit. | ||
It was a battleground. | ||
All the Florida clubs. | ||
And I love Joel Bashkoff with all of my heart. | ||
Some of these, like West Palm Beach. | ||
I'm there. | ||
Five sold-out shows for Valentine's Day. | ||
Nobody's laughing. | ||
I'm like... | ||
Why did you come? | ||
Like, these tickets cost you money. | ||
And it's just... | ||
And then people are like, oh, we did love it. | ||
It's the weirdest. | ||
You're pulling from the polar ends of every demographic to comprise a Florida audience. | ||
Well, they all escape to Florida from somewhere else. | ||
The people that are born and raised there are like, whoa. | ||
That being said, Tampa and Orlando, fucking fire. | ||
Like awesome. | ||
I wonder why that is. | ||
Maybe it's a coastal thing. | ||
Orlando is a lot of people visiting too. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Orlando is like Disneyland, Universal. | ||
That's a giant part of Orlando is people that are visiting. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I always liked Tampa. | ||
It was always cool. | ||
I remember playing the Jacksonville Comedy Zone. | ||
I like West Palm. | ||
I've always had a good time at West Palm. | ||
I had a good time because I made a lot of money and everybody was nice, but I remember thinking, like, this is like blood from a stone. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
And it was like Valentine's Day weekend. | ||
I mean, there's a bunch of dudes that get dragged there by their fucking wives. | ||
unidentified
|
They're like... | |
It's a... | ||
I always make that joke. | ||
You're never in the room. | ||
Or it'll be in the main room. | ||
And there's always dudes. | ||
You can tell the dudes that are there for Marc Maron and the dudes that are there for Rogan. | ||
Because there's just a different... | ||
There's two different types of dudes. | ||
And I always make a joke. | ||
Like if something doesn't... | ||
I'm like... | ||
Every guy's like, yeah, where's Rogan? | ||
That's why I showed up. | ||
What's she doing here? | ||
Where's Rogan? | ||
And they always laugh. | ||
Because they're like friendly apes. | ||
Right? | ||
They're friendly apes. | ||
But you can tell the guys that are there for you. | ||
The guys are there for Marin, you can tell because they're by themselves. | ||
I was going to say, they were all in flannel. | ||
Someone told me he had the highest number ever of single tickets sold in all these different venues. | ||
I always encourage... | ||
By the way, I like Mark. | ||
Of course you do. | ||
I love... | ||
He's an odd duck. | ||
We're both in a movie coming out together. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh yeah? | |
What is it? | ||
It's called Wonderland. | ||
It's a Mark Wahlberg, Winston Duke, Peter Berg movie. | ||
I feel like you and Peter Berg are friends. | ||
I like that guy, yeah. | ||
Yeah, you guys are the same vibration. | ||
And we're in a movie together, and he plays a reporter, and I play... | ||
Love interest, I'm reticent to say. | ||
He was great in The Joker. | ||
He's great. | ||
That Joker movie was oof. | ||
I always encourage people. | ||
They're always like, you know, you get a DM like, I don't want to go to your show alone. | ||
I'm like, come alone. | ||
It's a dark room. | ||
Nobody's going to ever make fun. | ||
And you make, at least in my shows, you make friends. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because everybody wants to feel good. | ||
It's okay. | ||
Bring your dog. | ||
Come along. | ||
I've talked to people like that too. | ||
Is it lame to come to your show alone? | ||
Just come, man. | ||
Who cares? | ||
Go to the movies by yourself. | ||
The cool thing about groups of people going to see things is that you're feeding off the vibe of all the people there. | ||
It's not just the people you came with. | ||
unidentified
|
It's an experience. | |
It's not virtual reality. | ||
You're with people. | ||
It's an experience and you're there. | ||
And by the way, how bad of a comic am I if people are noticing an audience member alone? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like if that's the focus. | ||
Well, the only problem would be like a place like the store, they'd have to sit somebody at your table because every place is like a two top or a three. | ||
But then it looks like you're with them. | ||
That's right. | ||
And when I come to pick on you, then we'll know. | ||
Yeah, then we'll know. | ||
Then it'll be a show. | ||
The ones by themselves, they always seat them. | ||
I don't know if they asked for it in the OR. They always seat them in the front. | ||
So I was like, I'm just here alone. | ||
I'm like, that's cool, but it's weird. | ||
You're right in the front. | ||
Well, that's because it's easy to do, right? | ||
Because it's not a table. | ||
It's a bar. | ||
The front part is just a bar. | ||
It's a long line, a large table. | ||
You're next to someone. | ||
You could easily be right next to someone you have no idea who they are. | ||
I can always tell where the line is. | ||
I can tell who's together. | ||
Shapes go with different shapes. | ||
And you can tell where that line is. | ||
I'm like, you're a school shooter. | ||
You're sitting alone. | ||
These two are together. | ||
The OR is the fucking ultimate university for comedy. | ||
You learn so much about whether your act sucks or where your act's at, whether or not it's getting better. | ||
We're so lucky. | ||
I think about that sometimes when I think about living somewhere else, because I do want to live somewhere else. | ||
And I probably never totally live somewhere else. | ||
I'll probably keep a place here always. | ||
Because I feel like there's something about being able to go to the store. | ||
It's so goddamn powerful. | ||
It's like we're so fortunate that we all work together. | ||
And on any given show, it would be you and me and Delia and Whitney and Joey Diaz and Callan. | ||
It's like fucking god damn, we're so lucky. | ||
Yes! | ||
We're so fucking lucky. | ||
Bird drops in. | ||
There's always on the lineup, there's always a dense, murderous chunk. | ||
And I think to myself, wow, I'm so proud to post these lineups because these are the comics that people want to see. | ||
This is special for them. | ||
And this dangerous, weird energy place is our home. | ||
And other comics, people are very intimidated by the store, which I totally get because there's a dark energy there. | ||
But I always feel like I'm part of the Addams family. | ||
I'm like, yeah, but that dark castle is my home. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, it's a tight-knit group of humans, you know? | ||
We're all real close to each other in a weird way. | ||
In a weird way, but I've never... | ||
Like, I'll never go to Brian Callen's house. | ||
unidentified
|
Never? | |
Like, I don't know where you live. | ||
Like, not never, but, like, we're close. | ||
Right. | ||
And I love seeing you guys, but, like... | ||
But outside of that, for some of us, I mean, I think it just depends. | ||
Yeah, I think we spend enough time with each other at the fucking store. | ||
unidentified
|
I get excited. | |
I go on the road with a lot of guys, you know, so that's different. | ||
Because when you're on the road together, you really like family. | ||
You know, like if I'm on the road with Diaz or Ari or Hinchcliffe or any of those guys, like, you know, we eat together, we work out together, we're just bullshitting together, we're walking to the mall together and hanging out. | ||
Like, it's all, we're together all day. | ||
And you have systems in place. | ||
There's like a comfort. | ||
You bring your friends because there's a trust there. | ||
There's a shorthand. | ||
My feature is Hunter Hill. | ||
Do you know Hunter? | ||
No, I don't. | ||
He's huge. | ||
And he's so funny. | ||
And it's like... | ||
I'm so proud to be able to be at a place in my career where I can... | ||
comic and watch them grow and I'm so proud of him and to get to share my audience with him. | ||
That's part of being an established comic, that joy. | ||
It's like having a child, like of giving them these opportunities. | ||
And to show them, you also have this opportunity to show other comics the right way to tour and the right way to treat a comedy club waitress and the right way to speak to your tour. | ||
There's so many shitty comics out there that do things wrong and I very early on decided these are the rules that I want to tour with and this is how I want to treat people. | ||
And you pass that on. | ||
Other comics learn from older comics. | ||
Yeah, that's the only way we learn about everything, really, right? | ||
We've been talking about this a lot lately, that there's nothing written down by people like us, by, like, legitimate established comedians with specials who headline all over the country and the world. | ||
There's nothing written down by us. | ||
Because there's no rules. | ||
It's all so fluid. | ||
But even that, just that fact. | ||
I feel like there's a book out there that should be written, and it should probably be done by us, where we kind of just talk about how everyone has a different process, everyone's got a different way of doing it, because young comics, I mean, there's a lot of wasted energy trying to figure out how to do it, and no one can really figure out how to do it themselves until they just have experience and do it, but I want to know how you write. | ||
What do you do when you have a premise? | ||
How do you grow up? | ||
Do you do it different than D'Elia does it? | ||
Do you do it different than Diaz does it? | ||
How does Bill start his set? | ||
When he throws away all his material because he just filmed a special, how does he start new? | ||
What do you do? | ||
And also, by the way, you can read all about the people that read about comedy and then think that's the way to do it. | ||
You won't know till you go. | ||
And that's why when I, you know, I had somebody reach out to me recently. | ||
They're like, I'm getting up pretty regularly, getting laughs pretty regularly. | ||
I'm like, the key is pretty regularly. | ||
It has to be regularly. | ||
Yeah, but it's pretty regularly. | ||
Right. | ||
And I'm like, this is a commitment. | ||
This is a craft. | ||
This is a passion. | ||
This isn't a hobby. | ||
If you want it to be a hobby, you're going to get hobbyist results. | ||
That's a good way of putting it. | ||
And so you've got to put everything in because it's the only way you know how to operate. | ||
But just because I write a certain way doesn't mean that works for you. | ||
Like, I don't write anything down. | ||
Some people... | ||
I remember one comic had a recipe box of jokes. | ||
And he would go through and each one was categorized. | ||
Is that insane? | ||
For sure. | ||
Was he good? | ||
No. | ||
But everybody's got their way that they do it. | ||
And if it works, it works. | ||
It's not, you know... | ||
You can't knock it. | ||
Yeah, I think that everyone has their own way, for sure. | ||
And I think you can learn from other people's ways and maybe try them out. | ||
And also you've got to realize that someone like you who's been doing it forever and doesn't write anything down, that's very different than someone who's just starting out who doesn't write anything down. | ||
Like, you should probably write some shit down. | ||
Yeah, a couple key words. | ||
Something. | ||
Yeah, and record your sets. | ||
Fuck. | ||
But the thing about it is that the consequences, like, if you really want to make it as a comic, you must literally dedicate your life to it, particularly in the beginning. | ||
Like, you have to. | ||
I was talking about this the other day. | ||
I was like... | ||
Because so many people do comedy now. | ||
Even Les did it when you started. | ||
And so many people do it now. | ||
And there's so many avenues for comedy. | ||
So many different ways you can do it. | ||
So many more opportunities. | ||
I really give the people that do it now, that are starting now, credit. | ||
Because if I just decided I wanted to start comedy now, it would seem insurmountable. | ||
Just how intimidating it is. | ||
Everybody's in UCB. Everybody does stand-up. | ||
I feel that way about podcasts, too, though. | ||
You know, I always tell people to do podcasts. | ||
I'm like, just fucking do it. | ||
If you can figure out how to do it, it's an amazing way to make a living. | ||
And so many people can do it. | ||
It's like anything else, like comedy, like anything else. | ||
You just start it and do it. | ||
But there's so many people doing it now. | ||
I mean, the numbers are fucking astonishing. | ||
There's no litmus test for like what's decent. | ||
But if you're good, I really feel like even though there's 700,000 podcasts, if you have something that's unique and interesting and you build something... | ||
People will find it. | ||
People will find it. | ||
The cream rises at the top and that's with comedy too. | ||
You know, go, do your set, don't blame anyone else. | ||
Put in the work. | ||
There's nobody out there who's fucking awesome that isn't making steps toward being undeniable. | ||
There's nobody out there that's a brilliant comic and it's like, yeah, nobody will give me stage time. | ||
It's been that way for a decade. | ||
If you are good, people will support you. | ||
A lot of people won't, but you have to just move in that direction. | ||
And even if you are that shitty comic that we were talking about at the beginning, don't let us be the ones to tell you no. | ||
Don't you feel like in this day and age, though, comics are way more supportive of each other than when you started? | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I'm at a different level now, so I don't... | ||
It's weird. | ||
I was thinking about the comic store. | ||
When you start there, you're like a freshman. | ||
And now you can become an upperclassman. | ||
And the upperclassmen stay upperclassmen. | ||
Like you were an upperclassman when I started. | ||
But now I'm also an upperclassman. | ||
And these people go from being people you look up to to being your colleagues. | ||
And among successful comics, it's less cutthroat. | ||
And I think because of the pendulum shift in our society, people are a little bit kinder or whatever. | ||
but all that toxic energy that was at the store in particular and in comedy, I remember when I started, kind of flushed out, not really tolerated as much. | ||
Oh, it's gone. | ||
It's a hundred percent gone. | ||
There's no, there's no like, we got a lady doorman. | ||
It's a crazy place now. | ||
And Adam, I think, to his credit, Kind of is responsible for a chunk of that shift. | ||
100%. | ||
And I think the resurgence of our audience is, I would say, in large part due to you and your podcast and Maren and his podcast. | ||
Brett Ernst said this to me a while ago and I agreed with it. | ||
He was like, podcast, people hear it, then they come to the store and it's become more of a destination. | ||
Because for a while, the store was like, whatever. | ||
Well, there was a prelude to that when Pauly Shore had his show. | ||
I remember that. | ||
Remember you had Minding the Store? | ||
I was in high school. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, when he had Minding the Store, I was at the store, and I remember there was this giant crowd in the front bar. | ||
And I was like, what is going on? | ||
And Pauly was out there, and people were like, well, the show Minding the Store has really jumped up the amount of people coming. | ||
It didn't last. | ||
You know, the show didn't last either, but there was an impact. | ||
And I remember the impact. | ||
I remember going, oh, that's crazy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Look how many people watch this show. | ||
All of a sudden, the Comedy Store became this destination. | ||
But now when you think about podcasts, this one, this is going to be heard and seen by millions of people. | ||
And the other ones that we've done have also been. | ||
We've done fucking how many comics on podcasts? | ||
Hundreds of them. | ||
All those are like a free advertisement for the greatest spot on earth for stand-up. | ||
Yeah, and you get to set your spots and people come and they just want to be part of it. | ||
I was in a novelty store in Sweden. | ||
I was buying a plate with a cartoon chicken on it. | ||
And this really cute guy. | ||
Because I like little things. | ||
It was like, I got it from my assistant. | ||
It had like a tchotchke. | ||
And the guy, who obviously, it wasn't his dream job, just like a dude. | ||
And I was talking and he was like, I've heard you on Joe Rogan. | ||
And I was like, I'm in Sweden in like a girly plate shop. | ||
And here's this dude who probably like fucking loves MMA and you and recognize my voice across the world in like the weirdest little plate store. | ||
And I was like, that's the power of comedy. | ||
Like it reaches that far. | ||
And you get to tour. | ||
Like I got to go on tour. | ||
I got to go to Malaysia to do comedy. | ||
What was that like? | ||
Fucking lit. | ||
I did this whole Asia tour and I was like, Malaysia is of all the countries I did because I did Hong Kong and I did Japan and there was one more and I'm blanking on it. | ||
Oh, Singapore. | ||
And of all of them, I had not been to Malaysia. | ||
I'd been to the others and I had less context for Malaysia. | ||
I knew some of my clothing was made there and I knew that we ship a lot of our recycling there or try to. | ||
But I had no context. | ||
And it's interesting because you're there and everyone is in a hijab and they're Asian. | ||
So that's like... | ||
You don't see that a ton. | ||
unidentified
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Really? | |
Yeah, because they're all Muslim. | ||
Muslim Asians. | ||
Do they look like Asian, like Japanese or Chinese? | ||
Yeah, like Asian. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
And they were... | ||
The crowd was on fire. | ||
I thought it was going to be super conservative and weird. | ||
I made fun of the Chinese a little bit. | ||
They were like, yes! | ||
And they just went nuts. | ||
And they were awesome. | ||
And I just remember thinking, and some people are expats, but a lot of them were just full-on Malaysian. | ||
And it's all because of Netflix. | ||
And I was like, it's so special to have your comedy. | ||
I'm going to go tour in Russia. | ||
Like, places that you have no real context for are feeling your heart and they're understanding what you're saying and it's resonating with people that are nothing like you. | ||
You're going to tour in Russia? | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
That's heavy. | ||
I'm going to Europe. | ||
Like, it's just cool. | ||
And then they know other comics. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Like, they know who you are. | ||
They know who other people... | ||
And it's just... | ||
It's this, like, language. | ||
It's this community that you and I are members of and people all want to be part of it. | ||
Right. | ||
Because people want to feel seen and heard, and that comedy validates that weird voice in your head. | ||
And it lets you know that you're not alone, and for so many people that feel alone, it's so powerful to feel like you're being seen and that somebody understands you. | ||
And that's why it's so important to have so many different kinds of comedy, different shapes and colors, just so people can choose who they resonate with. | ||
I'm never going to be able to reach everyone, and that's okay. | ||
Yeah, of course. | ||
Touring in Rush is going to be a trip. | ||
Schultz just did that. | ||
I'm going to ask Bert Kreischer for tips. | ||
Did Bert work over there? | ||
No, but the whole machine thing. | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
He'll tell you how to get drunk on a train. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Bert can tell you how to get drunk anywhere. | ||
I got a letter today. | ||
I'm going to Vietnam and it was in bold. | ||
And I've been to Vietnam before like for funsies, but it was in bold and it was like this like written out like imprisonment will be issued. | ||
There will be no jokes about do not mention Vietnam War, Vietnam, like all these things. | ||
And I legit was like, I do mention the Vietnam War. | ||
So just please remind me day before not to have that one joke. | ||
It's not a joke about the Vietnam War. | ||
I just it's in there as part of the setup. | ||
But some countries, like you do military shows, they have a no burden list. | ||
There's certain things you can't say when you do a military show. | ||
You can't make drug jokes, please don't make fun of the president, which I get. | ||
And some countries are like, no fucking joke, do not say it, you're dead. | ||
So they wouldn't let you joke about Vietnam. | ||
I got it this morning. | ||
Sorry about all that. | ||
I feel like I could, but then try explaining context to someone that just wants you in jail. | ||
I was going to China, I did Hong Kong, and I had Beijing, and they canceled it to honor, so random, the Tiananmen Square massacre, which of course should have been honored prior, but it wasn't. | ||
And they canceled all comedy, not that there was a ton across the land. | ||
But they canceled it. | ||
And it's just a thing where we're very lucky in this country. | ||
You can say whatever you want. | ||
Your rights end at your neighbor's nose. | ||
But that freedom is totally not to be taken for granted. | ||
And other countries are aware of our freedom, too. | ||
And I wonder how long they're going to keep the bullshit up in places like China. | ||
I wonder how long they're going to be able to do that. | ||
Because you see what's happening in Hong Kong, where Hong Kong is rebelling against the Chinese rule. | ||
I was there! | ||
When those protests were happening, we had to move the hotel because it was in this civic area. | ||
I think it was on Kowloon Bay or something. | ||
And I'll be a thousand percent honest, it was so congested and busy there. | ||
But if I didn't know there were protests going on, I wouldn't have known. | ||
And now it's probably grown a lot, but it's ongoing. | ||
Those people, they got a message and they are not backing down. | ||
They're not backing down. | ||
What's incredible is it's been going on for months and months and months. | ||
It's like a new activity. | ||
People are just in the streets. | ||
But a lot of people have been shot on video, you know, by cops. | ||
And we just watch it. | ||
I mean, and it's like, it just happens and it's not a big deal. | ||
It's insane. | ||
But we definitely have these social liberties and I don't take it for granted. | ||
And then part of me is like, okay, some venues are big, some venues are small. | ||
If I make a joke that you don't like, is that going to be run up the flagpole? | ||
I don't want to take the chance. | ||
I know. | ||
It's so interesting. | ||
We're at such a strange tipping point culturally in this country and worldwide. | ||
England just had their big elections. | ||
Jeremy Corbyn lost, but he did a video where he was saying how he's running for president or whatever it is, prime minister. | ||
What is it over there? | ||
Prime Minister. | ||
I'm watching The Crown. | ||
He said his fucking pronouns. | ||
He said my pronouns are him, he. | ||
Okay, can I just put this out there? | ||
I'm super pro trans. | ||
I'm pro fluid sexuality. | ||
If you are a straight male, we know your fucking pronouns are him, he. | ||
Well, even if you're a gay male, if you're a gay male, your pronouns could be he, him, too. | ||
If your pronouns are something, or what it looks like you are, I don't think you need to, to me that feels very white nighty. | ||
He has a fucking beard. | ||
It's 100% white nighty. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
It was very cringey, and I think a lot of people are like, there's like some borderline people are like, fuck this guy with this he, him shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Your pronouns. | ||
You want to say him, they, Z, whatever? | ||
Great. | ||
He, him, when you're he, him. | ||
Hmm. | ||
It's just such a thing, a ploy. | ||
My pronouns are he, him. | ||
Like, oh no you didn't! | ||
You fuck, you're 60 years old! | ||
You stop this! | ||
It's such a valid thing for other people and then it makes people eye roll just a little bit. | ||
And then I think it takes away from the plight, the genuine cause of the trans community. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Which, fully supportive of. | ||
Yeah, if you want to be called she or her, fine. | ||
I identify. | ||
I'm not down with the made-up words. | ||
The made-up words can all go fuck themselves. | ||
The zur and zeigs. | ||
Well, also, you wouldn't know unless someone told you. | ||
Like, don't get mad at me for not innately knowing that I should have said blee. | ||
You should have asked. | ||
You should have asked the pronouns. | ||
No, you gotta tell me. | ||
No, no, you have to ask. | ||
That's the new rule. | ||
You must comply. | ||
I'm really bad at asking questions. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
Like, someone will be like, how was your day? | ||
I'm like, great. | ||
And I talk, and I always have to remind myself like, and how was your boring day? | ||
Because there's no punchlines in this answer. | ||
People ask me, and I always assume they're just interested, and then I realize they're making small talk. | ||
I should return the fire. | ||
But I don't. | ||
No, ear beatings are the worst. | ||
When someone comes over and just starts rattling off about how their day was, and there's nothing there. | ||
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
And then I went to try to find a lighter, but you know how hard it is to find a lighter? | ||
And then I went to this store, there was no lighter. | ||
And I was like, do you know where I can get a lighter? | ||
The other day, somebody was talking to me and the words came out like a burp. | ||
I couldn't stop it. | ||
I just went, stop telling me, stop talking. | ||
So you can do what I did to that guy. | ||
I was very comfortable with that person. | ||
Stop talking. | ||
Oh, you were comfortable. | ||
It wasn't a stranger. | ||
That's the difference. | ||
No. | ||
Sometimes you gotta give people a minute. | ||
They're not as verbally accurate. | ||
But yeah. | ||
But yeah. | ||
As we both take a look. | ||
So Malaysia is, where is it on the map? | ||
What's it near? | ||
It's next to Singapore. | ||
It's like Singapore's younger, I guess Singapore's the younger brother. | ||
Singapore has a lot of expats, right? | ||
A lot of expats, a lot of money. | ||
It's very sterile. | ||
Sterile? | ||
It's not like a party, but they have a lot of money. | ||
There's some crazy laws there, right? | ||
If you fuck up, they'll cane you. | ||
Remember the kid? | ||
Yes. | ||
That was our introduction to Singapore as white America. | ||
That kid's got scars on his ass to this day. | ||
Well, here's a fucking rule. | ||
Don't go to another country and break their law and think it's cool because you're American. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Like, I have such a healthy respect as a proud American. | ||
I always want to represent well. | ||
I talk about it in my act, so I'm not going to do the bit, but I really am cognizant of the fact that people in many cases look up to us and or are jealous of us. | ||
And like with anybody, if you give them a reason to be like, what an American pig, and I don't, I will always show you that we are as good as we think we are. | ||
That's what I always say about Hawaii. | ||
People say, oh, if you go to Hawaii, they don't like white people. | ||
I go, no, they don't like assholes. | ||
They don't like assholes. | ||
Don't litter. | ||
Hawaii is one of the nicest places ever. | ||
Do they have a problem with some white people that come over there and act like assholes? | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
But the general... | ||
You're going to find racists everywhere. | ||
Racists against black people, racists against Hawaiians, racists against... | ||
White people, racists against Asians, you're gonna find that. | ||
There's certain people that are just, they don't like others, right? | ||
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
It's just how it is. | ||
But for the most part, Hawaii is cool as fuck. | ||
They just want you to respect their land the way that they do. | ||
Yes. | ||
And I get it. | ||
It's funny because my mom, anything, I'm like, I'm going to these countries. | ||
She's like, don't walk around alone. | ||
You're Jewish. | ||
Be careful in Europe. | ||
You're Jewish. | ||
By the way, anti-Semitism is rampant, alive, alive. | ||
And well, and horrific. | ||
You don't look Jewish, though. | ||
You could pull it off. | ||
You don't look anti-Semitic. | ||
Like, what does that mean? | ||
You have a tiny little nose? | ||
Well, I paid for it! | ||
What was it like before you got it whacked? | ||
Here! | ||
No, it was just different. | ||
It was like, you know... | ||
Did you miss it ever? | ||
My dad calls it the Chinsky hook. | ||
Everyone in my family has this nose. | ||
My nana, whose last name was Chinsky. | ||
And it's just, my dad has it. | ||
It looks great on a dude. | ||
Not my favorite thing. | ||
Dudes can have fucked up noses and it's kind of noble. | ||
So my husband has like a big nose, right? | ||
He's a handsome fella. | ||
He loves you. | ||
Half Italian, half Jewish. | ||
And I said to him, because I'm like, this isn't my nose. | ||
And if we have a baby, I'm like, and it's a girl and she's got that nose, she better be fucking great at basketball or brilliant. | ||
Just get her nose fixed. | ||
It would be her choice. | ||
I would want her to think it was okay. | ||
The thing is, your nose matches your face. | ||
Like, if I didn't know you got your nose fixed, I would, yeah. | ||
Well, sometimes, too, because I had one, you know, I look and I can spot one a mile away, like a nose job, and a lot of people have big noses and they get these scooped out things that don't fit their face because everybody wants, like, a cute little goyish nose. | ||
Goyish. | ||
And it doesn't fit. | ||
If you're, like, if you've got, like, a long face and you have this scooped out nose, you can tell. | ||
Like, if Ari got a little nose like yours, we'd be like, what in the fuck is going on with your face? | ||
If any dude had a little elfin nose, but I have a small head, I have a small mouth, it's a syndrome, and I have a tiny nose now, but, uh, yeah, but that's it. | ||
I think the blonde hair throws people off, too. | ||
Can you smell as good as you used to be able to? | ||
Yeah, I have... | ||
Your nose holes are probably smaller, no? | ||
My nostrils were always small. | ||
I got one when I was 18, so, like, who remembers anything before that? | ||
Right. | ||
I have keen olfactory senses. | ||
I can smell. | ||
It's like a problem. | ||
Like a wolf? | ||
Like, if you had a cigarette yesterday, I would be able to tell you now. | ||
Really? | ||
It's a problem. | ||
It makes it difficult for me. | ||
Like, what is that one where people have sense, where loud noises upset them? | ||
Yeah, I don't know the word, but I know what you're talking about. | ||
Oh, what is it? | ||
I have that with smells. | ||
And it's difficult just around people and I'm constantly having, I'm constantly like being, like just mentally attaching things in places of smells. | ||
Like I'm just having, not deja vu, but I'm always having an experience. | ||
My nose used to be fucking useless until I got it fixed. | ||
I feel like you've been hitting the nose so much. | ||
That's the problem. | ||
Everybody says they hit a deviated symptom. | ||
I did have a deviated septum. | ||
My nose is actually wider, I think, after the operation, because they stuffed some things. | ||
I had to get these turbinates, they're called, cleaned up. | ||
They had to cut the inside of my nose out, and it was also calcified. | ||
Because, you know like cauliflower ear? | ||
You know what that is? | ||
When guys get fucked up ears from wrestling? | ||
I squeeze it. | ||
I had that inside my nose. | ||
So the inside of my nose was all hard with a lot of people that had been hitting the nose. | ||
And like scar tissue, it just... | ||
It swells. | ||
Well, what it is is when you have blood under the skin, the reason why you get calcium or the cauliflower ear, it's actually what happens is the blood calcifies. | ||
The blood actually literally becomes a rock. | ||
Right. | ||
So like when you see cauliflower ear, like I've seen guys get their cauliflower ear broken off... | ||
It snaps off. | ||
Yeah, there's a video of this guy. | ||
He loses his cauliflower ear. | ||
See if you can find it, Jamie. | ||
Just Google cauliflower ear falls on the map. | ||
It's white. | ||
It's white, like a white stone. | ||
Like calcium. | ||
It literally is calcium. | ||
Sure. | ||
Yeah, so that was inside my nose. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
So they had to open up my nose, you know, with fucking forceps and shit, and carve all this stuff out. | ||
And then they had to shove these molds... | ||
To form it. | ||
Yeah, well, it's like foam, like a hard, soft, dense foam. | ||
So look at that ear on the ground. | ||
The whole thing. | ||
But that's just the calcified part. | ||
That's just the calcified, but it's all the skin attached to it as well. | ||
I bet he was relieved. | ||
Probably. | ||
But guys like it, because it makes them feel like a fucking man. | ||
Well, you can spot a fighter. | ||
I'll see him in airports. | ||
I mean, they're always also in sweatpants and sliders, but... | ||
Yeah, that is Leslie Smith. | ||
It doesn't go away. | ||
She fought Jessica Ai and Jessica Ai fucked her ear up and to the point where her cauliflower ear broke off and you could see inside of her head. | ||
Like her ear was hanging down. | ||
You could look into her head. | ||
It's hard to see from that picture. | ||
That's not the best picture. | ||
I mean, I'm cool. | ||
You're cool with that? | ||
I think about how sweaty my ears get in these headphones, so I can't imagine being punched in the ear repeatedly. | ||
Well, I always wore headgear, always, from grappling. | ||
That's why I don't have any cauliflower ear. | ||
Well, so you're not... | ||
I have, like, little tiny pieces, but nothing serious. | ||
unidentified
|
Do you love it? | |
Do you love that you have tiny pieces? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, tell everybody. | |
Look how badass I am. | ||
Touch my fucking thick ear. | ||
Feel it right there. | ||
My rock-hard ear. | ||
Little spot, little tiny spot. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Little bitty one. | ||
I always ask if I can squeeze it, and they always say yes, and it's never as satisfying as I'd hoped it would be. | ||
unidentified
|
It's a rock. | |
Yeah, you want to squish it. | ||
unidentified
|
It's not cute. | |
Randy Couture told me he used to shove it in people's faces. | ||
Like when he was wrestling, he used to get his ear and drive it into people's eye sockets. | ||
Like that whole thing is a giant rock. | ||
Well, props to him for having the precision in battle to be able to do that along with all the grappling. | ||
He's a savage. | ||
He just had a fucking heart attack. | ||
Well, I'm sorry. | ||
Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
Dude's like 55 years old. | ||
He was working out and he was like, um, I gotta go to the doctor. | ||
Just went straight to the doctor and they're like, dude, you just had a heart attack. | ||
He's like, I'm so fucking tough I didn't even notice. | ||
He's like, I'll eat my own heart. | ||
unidentified
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I don't give a fuck. | |
I don't have any sports injuries. | ||
I don't think I ever played a sport. | ||
You have no sports injuries at all? | ||
No, I feel like a lot of girls get knee surgery in high school and stuff like that. | ||
Maybe I just wasn't playing hard enough. | ||
You never played any sports? | ||
I played sports. | ||
I just don't have any. | ||
I played lacrosse. | ||
Oh, you were so white. | ||
So white. | ||
That's so white. | ||
It's such a private school thing. | ||
That's the whitest sport of all time. | ||
I played lacrosse in Texas. | ||
It's a rough sport, though. | ||
People don't know. | ||
People crack people with those sticks. | ||
What I lacked in genuine athletic ability, I made up for in aggression. | ||
So there's nothing worse than an athlete that's not good, but they're very aggressive. | ||
Do you think that flavored you as a human? | ||
Maybe. | ||
It wasn't cute. | ||
Well, it's not cute. | ||
I think of girls playing lacrosse as like hair all over the place and fucking this face. | ||
In skirts, yeah. | ||
I got ejected from a game one time so hard that I wasn't allowed to sit with my team. | ||
Like, what's a shade beyond a red card? | ||
Like a black beating heart. | ||
What did you do? | ||
I hit a girl. | ||
With a stick? | ||
Yeah. | ||
With my car. | ||
The I thought I meant your hand or something. | ||
No, I have my stick and it was unlawful and they made me sit next to my parents in the stands and it was so humiliating. | ||
Good for you. | ||
I want to pat you on the head. | ||
Our team was pretty good. | ||
Fuck those bitches up. | ||
I played defense though, so I wasn't really a parking I had a buddy of mine that played lacrosse in high school. | ||
He was telling me I was crazy to fight. | ||
And I was like, what's to stop someone from hitting you with those sticks? | ||
You guys are running into each other, man. | ||
I'm like, don't kid yourself. | ||
I'm like, you're doing something violent. | ||
You're just doing something violent under this weird pretend thing. | ||
Yeah, under pretend civility. | ||
Boys get pads and helmets and girls do not. | ||
What the fuck is that all about? | ||
Because girls aren't supposed to. | ||
I mean, it's a physical sport, but boys, it's like football with sticks. | ||
Did you just pick it up like a baseball bat and crack this chick in the head? | ||
So if you put it over your head and come down, that's not okay. | ||
My nickname was, I think it was like, oh, Butcher. | ||
Because my coach was like, you hold your stick and you come down so hard. | ||
Because you know what? | ||
It comes out on the field and women are not allowed to be aggressive. | ||
It's a thing where it's like, on sports day, like, you know, wear a skirt, be ladies, represent, and you got dudes just running around ripping people's heads off, raping villages, and one girl takes her shirt off at a World Cup game, Megan Rapinoe does something that's like, whoa, scandalous. | ||
Well, I just got back from the UFC. There was three women fights this weekend. | ||
That's a different thing! | ||
Pretty intense. | ||
And that's okay now, but for other sports, it's always expected that women conduct yourselves like ladies. | ||
Right. | ||
And I'm like, that's not, what? | ||
It's sport. | ||
unidentified
|
It's sport. | |
It has nothing to do with the real world. | ||
It has to do with trying to win. | ||
You violated the rules. | ||
I broke the rules. | ||
Because otherwise, if everybody was just swinging at each other, it would be a totally different sport. | ||
I was not great. | ||
And I own that. | ||
What did you do? | ||
Did you just swing it over your head? | ||
I probably just came down. | ||
Like a hammer? | ||
Yeah, like if you have too much torque built up. | ||
And I hit, and you're not supposed to. | ||
You hit her on the head? | ||
You can give a tap to get the ball out of the thing. | ||
I didn't hit her on the head. | ||
I think I probably hit her stick so hard. | ||
I don't remember. | ||
My friend was telling me people get concussions. | ||
High school was only like two years ago. | ||
I'm like, how many people you know have been getting concussions from lacrosse? | ||
It was like, a lot. | ||
And I was like, bro, you're in a violent sport. | ||
It's a violent sport. | ||
It's a fucking violent sport. | ||
And it's oddly not a professional sport. | ||
Because I think it would be an exciting professional sport. | ||
It's a professional sport. | ||
But it's not. | ||
It's not a widely received one. | ||
You're not going to make any money playing lacrosse. | ||
It's like bowling. | ||
Right, it's not. | ||
But they do have it. | ||
I have a friend that plays professionally, and I don't know who's watching it, but they do it. | ||
Right, but wouldn't you think that it would be like hockey? | ||
Or like rugby. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Rugby should be our football. | ||
That's what I think. | ||
I think it would be better for the athletes. | ||
Less concussions. | ||
They had less concussions back when they were playing with those little leather helmets and little tiny pads. | ||
Because you just couldn't do what these guys are doing. | ||
You're just smashing into your head as a battering ram. | ||
Gigantic, super athletes in their prime running at preposterous speeds with indescribable power. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Those guys are so fucking strong. | ||
When you're around a real professional football player, you're like, Jesus Christ. | ||
Huge. | ||
They look like Brandon Schaub. | ||
Plus, right? | ||
You know when you're around Schaub how fucking big he is? | ||
Imagine him plus 60, 70 pounds. | ||
That's these guys. | ||
I get it, Joe. | ||
I've seen football players. | ||
But they're so big, it doesn't make sense. | ||
And they're running at each other. | ||
unidentified
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Full clip. | |
It's terrifying. | ||
It's terrifying. | ||
And it's so bad for your fucking brain. | ||
That being said, I would like to go to a Rams game. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'd like to see the new stadium. | ||
Yeah, I like to go in and learn one of them big bulletproof hamster wheels, you know? | ||
And play? | ||
So nobody could see me. | ||
No, so nobody could get at you. | ||
Oh, why don't you just sit in a skybox? | ||
Because people fight. | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
Football games. | ||
Are we talking about two different things? | ||
Rams? | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
Football. | ||
You can go in the audience, but be in like a bulletproof box. | ||
Why don't you just sit in a skybox? | ||
It is bulletproof. | ||
That's true. | ||
And you can afford it. | ||
Then you're not down with the people. | ||
You gotta get down with the people. | ||
Is that what you want? | ||
To be with the proletariat? | ||
Well, with a Raiders game, that's how I'd watch a Raiders game. | ||
Oh boy. | ||
In a bulletproof box. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Stab proof. | ||
Well, James Cowboys games have boxes on the field. | ||
Bulletproof boxes? | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know about bulletproof, but... | |
It's just a plexiglass box. | ||
Honestly, I was thinking Raiders. | ||
But the Raiders game... | ||
Raiders are going to Vegas now, right? | ||
It's going to be more violent. | ||
Yeah, because there's no loyalty. | ||
It's just people coming and getting fucked up and being like, Raiders. | ||
That's a weird sport, right? | ||
Or a weird team, right? | ||
Because the Raiders are synonymous with thugs. | ||
Yes. | ||
It's like one of the only sports or one of the only teams where the audience is synonymous with thugs. | ||
I always think of Frazier Smith's joke. | ||
What was it? | ||
It's about how there's all these thugs at Knox Ferry Farm and it's just like some teenager that's like, Boo! | ||
Raiders, bitch! | ||
And I always think of that like some kid in a sheet just scaring you and yelling raiders. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
But I think having a transient audience for a home team is kind of a thing. | ||
Of course people live in Las Vegas, but by and large it will be a tourist attraction. | ||
Because it's also in the fall and winter, so it's a not sweltering time of year to go to Las Vegas. | ||
And I don't know. | ||
It'll be interesting to see hometown pride and what that fan looks like when you're in a city where everybody's always coming in. | ||
I don't believe it's real. | ||
I mean, Vegas is a real town. | ||
There are real locals there. | ||
But I don't think there's enough to show hometown pride, especially for something like the Raiders. | ||
The Raiders are from fucking LA. They're from LA, and then they're from Oakland, and now they're here in Vegas, but they're not from Vegas. | ||
And I don't think the Rams, I mean, to me, I don't really even know anyone that watches football. | ||
And it's weird that we're getting a football team. | ||
I wonder what would happen if players were not allowed to switch teams. | ||
It's just like a sentence? | ||
Like you take the oath? | ||
You're like, Larry Bird, you're in the fucking Celtics for life. | ||
Back when I was a kid, I didn't watch sports. | ||
But I remember players were on teams. | ||
Michael Jordan was on the fucking Chicago Bulls. | ||
That was how it was with the Cowboys growing up. | ||
Whether you watched it or not, it was a part of your life. | ||
And all those guys are forever synonymous. | ||
Like, Deion Sanders, Primetime 21, baby. | ||
That's the Dallas Cowboys. | ||
And I remember there was a DJ who passed away. | ||
His name was Kid Craddock, and he was the Kiss FM DJ in the morning. | ||
That guy passed away? | ||
Passed away, and it was super sad. | ||
When? | ||
A year ago? | ||
Two years ago? | ||
What happened? | ||
Heart attack. | ||
But I remember he would always, this is not that funny, but he would always say, I'm from Dallas, Texas, where the Cowboys play. | ||
And I would say that for years, because I thought that was like a cool source of pride, because it's America's team. | ||
And then I realized all that did was open up the conversation to someone being like, whoa, Cowboys! | ||
And I don't have the information to back it up. | ||
And I don't want to have that conversation. | ||
unidentified
|
Right, you'd have a debate about the Cowboys versus blank. | |
For years on stage at a shitty club, I'd be like, I'm from Dallas. | ||
And you'd always get a guy like, no, fuck the Cowboys. | ||
I'm like, cool, dude. | ||
Not attached to it. | ||
This is not going to be how this hour goes. | ||
But it is part of your upbringing. | ||
Sports dudes love to get angry. | ||
There's something about sports radio and sports broadcasting. | ||
They love to get shitty about athletes. | ||
That guy's a pussy. | ||
He can't fucking play. | ||
I was in Montreal last week, and I was just sitting in a cafe, and I was just listening to these two French-Canadian guys go in on just shitting on other parts of Canada and other cities. | ||
And the stuff, it was savage. | ||
Like, they eat their own in Canada. | ||
And it was just shitting on the leaves and shitting on Winnipeg. | ||
Oh, it's a city of degenerates. | ||
That's why they lock it down at 10. Like, just losing it, and then I tweeted, I Instagrammed about it, and then the rest of the Canadians weighed in on how much they hate French Canada, and it became a thing, and I'm like, none of us watch hockey! | ||
Well, French Canada is a different Canada. | ||
It's a different thing. | ||
It's great. | ||
I love it up there. | ||
I love Quebec, but they want to secede. | ||
They've wanted to secede since I've been going up there since the 90s. | ||
Yeah, people get froggy when it comes to the Brexit thing, but nobody, even Brexit, England's not pumped about that. | ||
Northern California wants to secede. | ||
Well, Brexit is so weird because Brexit is, you know, they're part of the European Union. | ||
It's almost like Texas leaving the United States. | ||
My whole thing is, whatever, I understand the reasons wanting that. | ||
The second somebody tries to invade, like, you don't have your own militia. | ||
You don't have an army. | ||
Well, this whole European Union thing is very new, though. | ||
It hasn't been going on that long. | ||
Because you cannot just easily, when you're in England, you gotta go through the whole thing when you're going to another country, and it used to just be such a chill thing. | ||
And now it's a little bit of a nightmare. | ||
I haven't done it. | ||
I haven't done it. | ||
I haven't traveled to England since the whole Brexit thing has been going on. | ||
I did. | ||
I went through touring, and it should have just been like, just hop on a plane to go to your other countries. | ||
No, you gotta go through customs. | ||
You're just stuck in customs, hoping someone comes for you. | ||
I don't know enough about the arguments pro and con to comment on it, honestly. | ||
Well, and it truly doesn't matter because we don't have a vote in it. | ||
But I know the dude looks like a British version of Donald Trump. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He looks like... | ||
He's got fucked up yellow hair, the whole deal. | ||
He literally looks like their version of Trump. | ||
Like a wonkier, if it's possible, version. | ||
A younger, wonkier Trump. | ||
A hotter... | ||
He's a little hotter. | ||
A little bit. | ||
And they say America sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, interesting. | |
You know, like we do something people will start to... | ||
Imagine if dudes with fucked up blonde hair just start taking over the world. | ||
I feel like that was Hitler's vision. | ||
I feel like that's where they were headed. | ||
That was, right? | ||
Right? | ||
What was crazy was Hitler didn't look like that. | ||
Brown hair. | ||
I think he even had like a Jewish grandma. | ||
Brown eyes. | ||
Every Jew knows this. | ||
He had a Jewish grandma? | ||
I think it's something like that. | ||
Look at that guy. | ||
Come on. | ||
What in the fuck? | ||
He looks like Harry from Dumb and Dumber. | ||
Actually, I take it away. | ||
He's not hotter. | ||
He's just younger. | ||
When Trump was younger, he was way hotter than that dude. | ||
No, that guy's terrible. | ||
Terrible looking. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Saw a lot of Trump supporters this weekend. | ||
Colby Covington was fighting in the UFC and he's a big Trump supporter. | ||
You know, I got to say this. | ||
This is not pro-Trump, but this is pro your own rights. | ||
We have this thing in California. | ||
I said something. | ||
I was in a writer's room and I said something about someone who I knew that voted for – my family that voted for Donald Trump. | ||
And someone was like, someone in your family voted for Donald Trump? | ||
Do you still speak to them? | ||
And I was like, don't get hyphy with me. | ||
This idea that you can't – I understand he represents all these horrible things, but we have to be able to have conversations in this country and on both sides and other liberals at times. | ||
And I say this as a person who's fairly liberal. | ||
It's terrifying just attacking your own allies and creating no space for a conversation. | ||
Well, liberals used to be, when I was a kid, and my parents are hippies. | ||
We lived in San Francisco when I was a little kid. | ||
And so I always thought of liberals as being the people that were open-minded, not wanting to silence people, letting people speak. | ||
They're all about people just being who they are and not trying to enforce rigid patterns of behavior and thought on people. | ||
But that's not the case now because they think they're doing the right thing because they think they're combating something that's awful and aggressive and regressive. | ||
They feel like the country that they know and love is slipping away. | ||
But so do the conservatives. | ||
So does everyone. | ||
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
But the response to it is not the right way to go about it. | ||
The response to it is to show a great example of what your ideology represents by being a good person, by being open-minded, by being kind. | ||
Instead, people are being super, super shitty. | ||
There's so many super, super shitty people that think they're doing the right thing because they're progressive and they want good things. | ||
They want... | ||
Gay rights, and they want racial equality, and they want people to be able to make more money, and they want people to be happy and healthy. | ||
But it doesn't mean attacking anyone who, from the get-go, doesn't agree with you. | ||
Because, by the way, if you and I disagree, and you calmly want to have a conversation with me, I am very open to having my mind change. | ||
Of course I want to be on the right side, and I want to do the best thing. | ||
If you yell at me, and you call me stupid, and you're attacking me, and you're on the defense from the get-go, you're on the offense from the get-go... | ||
you're going to want to be like, you know what? | ||
I don't want to hear it and fuck you because you represent now all the good intentions. | ||
Like you're the representative of all that and I don't like you. | ||
So you are an ambassador for your cause when you speak. | ||
I'm really into the environment and plastic and stuff like that. | ||
And I am very specific about how and when I post about things because you don't want people to get activism fatigue and you don't want to be the person who posts about everything because then no one will listen to anything. | ||
Right. | ||
And you don't want to call people out specifically because just because somebody carried a plastic bottle that day doesn't mean they don't drive a hybrid. | ||
You don't know what people are doing. | ||
Right. | ||
Did you see Chris Pratt? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
That's literally what I'm thinking of. | ||
And while I love that he did that, part of me is like, that's a little holier than thou. | ||
Who shamed him? | ||
Jason Momoa is so fucking hot. | ||
So hot. | ||
So hot. | ||
But we're so, especially online, we're so quick to be like, you're not doing it right. | ||
We do it with feminism, too. | ||
And you have no idea the pious, good life that person is leading, and you're judging them on a snapshot on which you don't want to be judged on. | ||
Well, they want to judge people. | ||
The thing is about... | ||
A lot of what this is is about people that are on the fringes. | ||
The ideas are great, right? | ||
But the people that want attention for espousing these great ideas oftentimes are the fringe. | ||
So the far left and the far right. | ||
A lot of what it is... | ||
It's just people that are ultra-aggressive about enforcing their ideology, and then they're really shitty, and they want other people to comply. | ||
And so you get these people that represent the right, and these people that represent the left, but a lot of the ideas of the right and the left, there's nothing wrong with being fiscally conservative, there's nothing wrong with being socially liberal. | ||
Which is what a true Republican is, and you want less government in your money. | ||
There's room in there for conversation, but when you go far right and then you go far left, then there's no room. | ||
And when you start vilifying people from the get-go, and when you start expecting people... | ||
Owen Benjamin, who is just basically is like in a tinfoil hat somewhere and like living off the grid, he offended a lot of people, right? | ||
You're just staring at me? | ||
Yeah, no, I'm listening to you. | ||
And he said a bunch of stuff about trans stuff, and I remember there was this girl that I was friends with on social media, didn't know her, but just followed her because I liked her writing. | ||
That's it. | ||
And she DMs me one day and she's like, she's like, Owen Benjamin, like, how could you be, like, maybe I, I don't know if I'd interacted with him on Twitter. | ||
I'm never on Twitter because I think it's a toxic fuckhole. | ||
And she was like, she's getting mad at me. | ||
And I go, what are you talking about? | ||
She was like, he said all this stuff that's anti-trans and I hadn't heard anything. | ||
Well, let me, let me say what he said. | ||
Okay. | ||
And here's the thing. | ||
He went off into a spiral, right? | ||
But I agree with what he said. | ||
What he said was, there was someone that he knew, someone who works in Hollywood, that had a three-year-old that they were turning trans. | ||
Right. | ||
And he said that that was child abuse. | ||
That was what led to his crazy situation. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't disagree with that. | |
No, I agree with it 100%. | ||
I don't disagree with that. | ||
Yeah, I agree with him 100%. | ||
You wouldn't let that child decide what it's eating. | ||
Right. | ||
So that's a very powerful... | ||
Someone had a great joke. | ||
I always say this. | ||
I wish I could remember who it was. | ||
They said, you don't let a kid pick their outfit. | ||
Why the fuck would you let them pick their gender for the rest of their life? | ||
Sounds just like the joke I just made. | ||
Yeah, but somebody did it already. | ||
Right. | ||
I'm not going to do the joke. | ||
But... | ||
So that aside, and the spiral aside, which I didn't even participate. | ||
Like, it's whatever. | ||
Like, those are your choices. | ||
That's what you're saying. | ||
I had known none of this. | ||
But here's the thing. | ||
That cost him dearly. | ||
His agency left him, and then comedy clubs banned him for that. | ||
That was the beginning of it. | ||
I think he just steered into that skid. | ||
But that's what started the skid. | ||
Right. | ||
What started the skid was that. | ||
I think there was something else about, like, he called someone who had written a... | ||
Look, that's not the point of what I was saying. | ||
Well, things went south afterwards, for sure. | ||
You have to manage those things. | ||
My point was, I knew none of this, so I'm just going to brunch one day, and this person starts attacking me offline. | ||
How can you be friends with him? | ||
And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about? | ||
She's like, he's saying all these horrible things, and I- She's attacking you in person? | ||
She's in my direct message. | ||
My only point is, I said, I've known Owen most of my career. | ||
Let me go read what you're talking about. | ||
And she was angry at me for wanting to gather information. | ||
This person is a trans writer who I literally, until that moment, didn't know was trans because I was just a fan based on merit. | ||
I just liked the writing. | ||
And I said, how dare you? | ||
Shame on you. | ||
As a journalist, you should applaud that I go and collect my facts. | ||
They want compliance, like immediate, instantaneous compliance. | ||
And I said, I'm an ally, and I am pro-trans, and I am pro-gay rights, but you do not get to bark at me on a Sunday morning when I have no idea what we're talking about and get mad at me. | ||
I just have to tell you, I don't trust anyone who says they're an ally about anything. | ||
I'm a total ally. | ||
But you say that? | ||
If you say, I'm an ally. | ||
I'm an ally. | ||
You think I'm anti-trans? | ||
I'm not buying it. | ||
I vote, and I... Kate's Mrs. Doubtfire. | ||
That's a little of an ally she is. | ||
Just the term ally is gross. | ||
It's okay when other people use it. | ||
Like, he's an ally. | ||
That guy's an ally. | ||
She's an ally. | ||
I get that. | ||
That's a good way to use it. | ||
But when you say, I'm an ally, I'm like, nah. | ||
Okay. | ||
Well, I'm pro-trans. | ||
Good for you. | ||
And I blocked that person. | ||
I was like, you don't get to bark at me and tell me, for any cause. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Too many fucking people live on Twitter. | ||
It's not good. | ||
It's not healthy, folks. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't have it on my phone. | |
You're supposed to talk to people. | ||
Twitter has become like a subway bathroom wall. | ||
Michelle Wolf told me the exact same thing last week. | ||
She doesn't have it on her phone. | ||
She's like, Because you're just screaming into a void and all it does is it just nets negativity. | ||
So they're just waiting for you to fuck up. | ||
By the way, anybody who's ever said anything awful to me on Twitter, who I've seen in person, they say nothing. | ||
And I'm... | ||
Well, that's the only way people should talk. | ||
It's face-to-face. | ||
Yeah, Louis C.K. said that to me. | ||
We were talking about this, and he said, it's just talk, but it's written down. | ||
So people think it's more than it is. | ||
People would say these kind of things, and you would go, eh. | ||
You get likes and retweets, which are basically pitchforks. | ||
But if you said something about someone, like you said something about Bert or something like that, And he said it online, like, fucking Bert should know a lot about getting drunk in Russia. | ||
If he read that... | ||
It sounds so bad. | ||
Yeah, it's like, what the fuck, Eliza? | ||
Well, because there's no inflection. | ||
Right, but if you just said it to me, we're hanging out, and then you saw Bert and hugged him, I wouldn't think you're a hypocrite. | ||
Right, right, right. | ||
So it's like what Louis was saying, it's just talk, but it's written. | ||
It's talk without nuance or inflection, because not everyone has mastered grammar or punctuation. | ||
Right, it's worse, especially for us, because we say things, we talk shit. | ||
You know? | ||
Like, even now, you and I are agreeing on everything, and I'm like, I'm gonna face a firing squad of betas when I get on my Instagram later and be like, and Rogan was talking, and not you! | ||
Listen, there's a certain percentage of people that are gonna attack every woman who comes on the show. | ||
For sure. | ||
That just happens. | ||
It happens almost always. | ||
Except Jessie Mae. | ||
Jessie Mae got, like, super positive. | ||
Oh, she's doing it better than you. | ||
I don't know what's up. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
Sick burn! | ||
No, she's the only one that I've had on, but maybe... | ||
How do you know? | ||
Because she told me. | ||
Do you check... | ||
Maybe she's just like a glass half full kind of girl. | ||
Maybe she's just high all the time. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I don't know anything. | ||
She's high all the time. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
Yeah. | ||
I am not. | ||
I know it's like not cool. | ||
I am not a pot smoker. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You want to try it? | ||
Nope. | ||
I mean, I've tried pot. | ||
My brother grows. | ||
Elon Musk moment. | ||
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
Oh, man. | ||
I didn't think he looked as weird as everybody thought. | ||
Oh, he's weird. | ||
Because he was trying to hold it in or whatever. | ||
Do you know that my brother has a marijuana farm? | ||
That's what my brother does. | ||
Where? | ||
Northern California. | ||
And he does it like he's got a gun, like he grows his plants. | ||
We're not a farming people, but that's what he does. | ||
It's a great way to make a living right now. | ||
Makes his living. | ||
And I am just not... | ||
I would like to like it because it seems like a... | ||
What's wrong with it to you? | ||
I just think... | ||
You're going to be hotboxed in about 10 minutes. | ||
I thought that wasn't a real thing. | ||
unidentified
|
It's a real thing. | |
I've got places to go. | ||
unidentified
|
I've got people to see. | |
You'll be more jovial. | ||
I have an outline, too. | ||
More community-oriented later in the day. | ||
I think it makes me... | ||
unidentified
|
People are always like, no, this is Indica in the couch, and this is Sativa. | |
Open your mind. | ||
And I always feel like it makes me think about death, and I feel uncomfortable, and my mind just starts racing. | ||
Yeah, me too. | ||
But I don't want that, because I already think about death. | ||
I'm already uncomfortable. | ||
Look, I think I need humility in every form, but it is an excellent form of humility to me. | ||
It helps me. | ||
It helps me be more humble. | ||
It helps me be nicer to people. | ||
No, it does. | ||
You are nice. | ||
I am nice. | ||
unidentified
|
So what do you need help for? | |
The reason why I'm nice is because I'm a pothead. | ||
It's made me a nicer person. | ||
I've always been nice, but I have less not nice in me than I ever did before. | ||
I think that just comes with age. | ||
Maybe two, for sure. | ||
You're very old. | ||
Yes, very ancient. | ||
No. | ||
Barely alive. | ||
I'm halfway dead, for sure, unless everything goes amazing. | ||
I prefer... | ||
What is that? | ||
Oh, that's from my friend Maynard. | ||
He sent me that from his farm. | ||
We were talking about one of these fucking things. | ||
Is that like a black jacket? | ||
No, that gigantic monster is a tarantula hawk. | ||
Great name. | ||
That's like something out of a bestiary. | ||
They kill tarantulas. | ||
They sting the fuck out of them and lay their eggs in their body. | ||
Those are monsters. | ||
They're so big. | ||
It's like a little bird. | ||
So he was explaining it to me and describing how fucking big it was. | ||
And then he sent me one. | ||
A dead one. | ||
From his place. | ||
Pretty cool, right? | ||
I don't think it's dead. | ||
I think it's waiting. | ||
That's Maynard from Tool's bug. | ||
That's fucking sick. | ||
Did you see the weed cloud in the room? | ||
It's floating over her side of the room. | ||
Yeah, it's trying. | ||
Marijuana's trying to talk to you. | ||
It's like, Eliza, we have creativity for you. | ||
And you get it everywhere. | ||
It's at all the shows they give you. | ||
And I just... | ||
You don't have to. | ||
I don't. | ||
You don't have to. | ||
There's no need to. | ||
Do you do anything? | ||
Do you meditate? | ||
Do you do anything to try to alter your state? | ||
I do a lot of deep thinking. | ||
I'm not as good at meditating as I would like, but I'm very self-reflective. | ||
That's good. | ||
And I do a lot of reading. | ||
Do you feel like women that are confident get kind of like more heat? | ||
Like men that are confident don't really get that much heat from women. | ||
It's almost like expected. | ||
But women that are confident get hate. | ||
If I did a woman's podcast, right? | ||
Like a women's podcast or a woman's podcast? | ||
A woman's, like yours. | ||
Like if I did your podcast. | ||
I don't get hate from women. | ||
Sure, I do your podcast. | ||
I did it before. | ||
Uh, no. | ||
I wouldn't get hate from women, but I think for a certain amount, like, sometimes guys' podcasts, they want to hear you talk about guy shit, you know? | ||
I talk about football for at least five minutes, and I have my own... | ||
You talked about how you were violent as a lacrosse player. | ||
Right, so are you rock hard or what, America? | ||
unidentified
|
What? | |
What? | ||
I think it's not something that I think about a ton because people are always like, oh, you're so confident. | ||
It's not like I took a pill to become that way. | ||
I just always operated just the way I was supposed to. | ||
Some people like you, some people don't. | ||
But I think people get insecure and I think insecurity for men and women manifests itself in very ugly ways. | ||
more attractive, whether it's you didn't get laid, so now you're going to go shoot up a group of people. | ||
And insecurity, I talk about this in my book, is just such a personal ugly thing. | ||
And people are constantly putting it on others. | ||
It used to be that a girl could have a hot body and there was zero consequences. | ||
Nope, it never was that. | ||
It was never that. | ||
Other girls didn't like it, but there wasn't like publicly espoused consequences. | ||
We didn't have social media. | ||
Oh, definitely there was. | ||
Hot girls are always called sluts. | ||
unidentified
|
Right! | |
Always and forever. | ||
Or gold diggers or something like that, but... | ||
Salem Witch Trial? | ||
All them had hot bodies. | ||
Oh, yeah, but that wasn't real. | ||
Do you know what that was about, the Salem Witch Trial? | ||
It was about ergot. | ||
They had late frost, and the late frost caused fungus to grow on their wheat. | ||
That fungus contains lysergic acid, which is very similar to LSD. So while these fucking people were eating their bread and using their wheat and flour, they were getting acid poisoned. | ||
So they were thinking that everyone was witches. | ||
And it was always probably men that couldn't get laid. | ||
And now you're talking about in America. | ||
Because it was different... | ||
Salem witch trials. | ||
That very particular thing. | ||
But what came before that... | ||
Let's check to make sure that this hasn't been debunked. | ||
Well, I can tell you that what came before that in the witch... | ||
Seeking out of witches in Europe. | ||
It was this... | ||
Widespread thing, of course, to spread Christianity, but they'd have witch committees, like, go from town to town to find people, because everybody needs, like, a scapegoat. | ||
And then they'd check you for marks, and, of course, a mark could just be a birthmark, and then there's trial by fire, trial by floating, whatever. | ||
You know, they used to tie women down and weigh them down with rocks? | ||
And if they drowned, they weren't a witch. | ||
But if they survived, then they knew they were witches. | ||
Right, you're fucked either way. | ||
I listen to Aaron Manke's podcast, Lore, and he talks about this stuff all the time. | ||
What is it called? | ||
Lore. | ||
L-O-R-E? It's awesome. | ||
About folklore? | ||
All different kinds. | ||
And he talks about the different trials. | ||
And it's all stuff like that where you're kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't, regardless. | ||
We set you on fire, and if you scar, then you're not a righteous man. | ||
And if you die, you were righteous. | ||
Whoopsie daisy. | ||
So, this is a thing. | ||
What was the point? | ||
Oh, witches had hot bodies. | ||
You're talking about the women having good bodies. | ||
No, what I was talking about is that women, when they go on a man's podcast, a lot of times they get women, or men rather, hate on them. | ||
Oh, I was going to say that women have... | ||
Like, today, women, you're body shaming, or you're showing an unrealistic body type, and you're feeding into unrealistic body expectations. | ||
I've seen that a lot. | ||
Saying that to another woman. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
There was an ad that was pulled in England, in the UK, because it was like a gym ad, and this girl was in a bikini. | ||
She had a hot body. | ||
I forget what it was for. | ||
I think it was a gym. | ||
Something like that. | ||
Maybe sunscreen or some shit. | ||
But this girl had a hot body, and they made them pull the ad because it was promoting unrealistic body expectations. | ||
Yeah. | ||
What isn't? | ||
Well, here's the thing. | ||
It's a girl. | ||
She's a real person. | ||
It's not unrealistic. | ||
You can do it. | ||
You can get really fat, too. | ||
There it is. | ||
Are you beach body ready? | ||
And see, to me, maybe in England, that's unrealistic, but in LA, that's just normal. | ||
That is not unrealistic. | ||
It's not unrealistic. | ||
No, it's just... | ||
Here's my thing. | ||
Here's my thing. | ||
It's a hot girl. | ||
Let's say that's her body, okay? | ||
I do think we have a problem in our society. | ||
Like, my boobs are real. | ||
And because they're big, my whole life, I mean, my adult life, people are like, are those tits real? | ||
And they can't believe that. | ||
And I'm like, someone's got to have real tits for you to ask if they're real. | ||
Yeah, they're real. | ||
Some big ones are real. | ||
And it's offensive, but it's also like people are just... | ||
It's almost like we're so fed all of this fake stuff that when someone actually has it, my eyelashes are real and they're long. | ||
And people are always like, those gotta be fake. | ||
I'm like, someone had to have had real eyelashes in the first place to measure other eyelashes against. | ||
So when someone's big or strong, we always assume that they're faking it because... | ||
Sometimes our noses are fake. | ||
Right, but some girls go crazy with the eyelashes. | ||
They've got spiders growing on their heads. | ||
unidentified
|
It's ridiculous. | |
But my other thing is, like, I can judge that girl silently. | ||
I don't have to say it to her face. | ||
Like, you don't have to be a piece of shit about it. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Well, that's the thing about social media is you can just attack that girl from afar. | ||
I don't want to be high, and I feel like I'm high now. | ||
You're definitely not high. | ||
I feel so high. | ||
Do you? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I've been playing with this cord too long. | ||
You might be. | ||
Are you getting paranoid? | ||
I'm a little sweaty. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
Oh, the heat's on. | ||
The H's on. | ||
Yeah, it was cold in here when we first got in here. | ||
LA's like 59 degrees. | ||
I think it's just your body heating the room. | ||
Come on your podcast because I genuinely enjoy your interaction and I do think you have a really smart, cool audience of most of the people that think like you. | ||
I think as a woman or just as a person, anytime you open your mouth or leave the house, there's going to be people who like you, people who don't. | ||
So you just don't focus on the ones that don't because I have found when someone doesn't like me, it typically has nothing to do with actually me. | ||
Well, there's a thing that people do when someone's very opinionated where you want to, for some reason, combat their opinions. | ||
I've seen people do it even in things that they don't necessarily disagree with. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
They just become a contrarian just to fuck with that person. | ||
But that's what I'm saying. | ||
It has nothing to do with what I said. | ||
It's something in you that you're bothered by. | ||
And I really try, in being autodidactic and in being self-reflective, when I don't like someone, I really try to examine what it is. | ||
And sometimes it comes down, I'm like, maybe I'm just jealous. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I'm just jealous you used autodidactic. | ||
Don't be jealous. | ||
You just did it, too. | ||
I did it really, really well. | ||
Snuck it in there without anybody counting. | ||
But a lot of time it is jealousy versus, oh, I really hate their stance. | ||
It's that. | ||
But sometimes it's also, there's an incorrect way of thinking about people. | ||
Like when someone's confident or someone's brash, for whatever reason, like we get competitive. | ||
I'm like, fuck that guy. | ||
Why is that guy such a dick? | ||
Instead of getting like... | ||
What do I care? | ||
As long as he's not being shitty to me. | ||
unidentified
|
To you. | |
I don't care. | ||
But think about it. | ||
That upsets people because deep down you're reminded that you're not that and those are all the things you want to be. | ||
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
Oh, he's confident. | ||
Oh, he's strong. | ||
Oh, he's good looking. | ||
I've seen that with men. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
If there's an attractive guy, they'll be like, oh, isn't he pretty short? | ||
And it's like, maybe he is, but does that help you? | ||
If a guy's short, do you feel better now? | ||
Well, they do. | ||
That's the only way they do. | ||
But it's not real. | ||
See, the thing is, when you shit on someone, unless you're being funny. | ||
If you're being funny, I'm all for you. | ||
But when you're just being mean about someone, like some football player... | ||
Like, he's a fucking pussy. | ||
He keeps dropping the ball. | ||
Like, is he really? | ||
Like, could you do that job? | ||
Come on, man. | ||
With a freight train coming at you? | ||
You think he's a fucking pussy? | ||
He's just not as good at football as some of the best people. | ||
Well, and it so takes away from... | ||
I'll use feminism, for example. | ||
When I do have a genuine criticism of someone... | ||
I talk about this in my special, but you're so rarely allowed to voice it because it's like, well, you're just jealous. | ||
I'm like, or I am in fact doing the correct feminist thing and judging her on merit of what she has done, and I dislike it, and it has nothing to do with her being beautiful. | ||
I think there's obviously issues that women need more equality in in this country. | ||
I think the issue with the concept of being a masculinist or even the concept of being a feminist is that everyone automatically thinks you care about that more than you care about general humanity, right? | ||
Because you're isolating gender. | ||
You're saying, I'm a feminist. | ||
I'm a woman. | ||
I support women. | ||
I support women's rights and women's values. | ||
I support feminism, empowering women. | ||
When people hear that, they go, okay, you like women more than men. | ||
It might not be that. | ||
What it is is I support the idea that we could be treated equally. | ||
And I love men. | ||
I love breaking balls with male comics. | ||
I married a dude. | ||
I have made out with some hot dudes. | ||
Congratulations again. | ||
I am actually a gigantic frat boy trapped in a feminist body. | ||
But all we're vying for is just to be treated equally and not be made to feel horrific. | ||
That's it. | ||
I'm not asking for a special treatment. | ||
No, I get it. | ||
I have zero problem with any of it. | ||
Of course not. | ||
But my thought on why people react so strongly to it. | ||
Good word. | ||
It's not a good word. | ||
Do I have to sign this? | ||
You don't have to. | ||
unidentified
|
I trust you. | |
This is an affidavit. | ||
You have to sign it. | ||
It's signing away your rights. | ||
But I think that when people hear it, they kind of have that feeling like, oh, she's one of those. | ||
Oh, she's a man-hater. | ||
It's almost like the word is so heavy now that it doesn't necessarily accurately portray the intent. | ||
Well, it's so fraught with historical weight. | ||
And I do think that's changing. | ||
But I also believe... | ||
It's a word I had never used until like three years ago. | ||
And I picked it because I was like, well, this sort of applies. | ||
I don't read feminist writings. | ||
The idea that as a woman you're constantly being preached to by other women, like preaching to the choir. | ||
What it is, is I think on a granular level... | ||
I enjoy having conversations and most men I know are like they're not these oppressive horrible people and we always look to the extreme left or right to prove our point when in actuality there's a whole population of people who think and feel just like you and that's the key is finding those people and communing with them. | ||
Well, you've always been very pro-male. | ||
You've never had a problem with men. | ||
But you're also confident and ambitious. | ||
And when you're both of those things, and people hear the word feminist, they go, oh, she's one of those. | ||
Like, she's going to be annoying. | ||
But you're not. | ||
But there's that thing. | ||
And it goes back to what we were talking about earlier. | ||
It's the fringes. | ||
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
It's not like all men. | ||
It's these fucking men that want to sue you because they can't come in. | ||
That's actually more of a guy who's just trying to sue people. | ||
But like, okay, straight pride parade. | ||
We were talking about this on the phone. | ||
Straight pride parade guys. | ||
Right. | ||
Like that kind of shit. | ||
The worst. | ||
Those guys. | ||
Like just the idea. | ||
Of having that, people that say all men, like the kind of feminists that say all men, I'm like, you're part of the problem. | ||
Because that's just as bad as some guy saying all women are sluts. | ||
Like you are just as bad for marginalizing anyone. | ||
I was hearing this woman talk about sex and she was like, women want this and women want, she was on a podcast, women want this and women want you to slow down and women want you to be gentle. | ||
I'm like, no, no, no, no. | ||
Some women, some women do. | ||
Some women want to get ravaged. | ||
Look, you're talking to a girl who speaks in generalizations for a living. | ||
Like, women do this. | ||
But that's for jokes. | ||
For sure. | ||
And by and large, most, you know, these things are right because you've proved it over years and years. | ||
But I also, like, sex podcasts are, like, so not my thing. | ||
Well, it's just so crazy to speak for all women. | ||
It's like trying to speak for all men. | ||
If I said, men like to be ball gagged. | ||
Men like to be kicked in the balls. | ||
Men like to be tied up and pissed on. | ||
Men like to sell you their shit. | ||
They want you to shit in Tupperware and send it to them. | ||
Well, that's true. | ||
Some men like that. | ||
That's real. | ||
Well, let me ask you a question. | ||
Okay. | ||
Yeah. | ||
some, not all, speaking for me personally, I know for me well we have this thing where we don't look at things granularly and we're like well they said all so they must mean all and fuck them. | ||
Well for me it's been a good little bit of a challenge You're a little bit high. | ||
I swear it got in my brain! | ||
You're gonna be fine. | ||
unidentified
|
Joe! | |
Who's your buddy? | ||
Joe Rogan. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Don't worry about it. | ||
We're gonna be fine. | ||
I have a dog. | ||
It's outside. | ||
It's a cute dog. | ||
I keep remembering I have a dog now. | ||
She's very sweet. | ||
You want to talk about her? | ||
The little situation? | ||
Sure. | ||
It's crazy. | ||
This little girl was on her way to China. | ||
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
She's from China. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, she's in China. | ||
They don't import the meat. | ||
They were gonna eat her. | ||
They were gonna eat her. | ||
She has a scar around her nose where her mouth was bound. | ||
Like, it's all around. | ||
It's very sad. | ||
I noticed it yesterday. | ||
I thought she just, because she's a white dog, I thought she had like tear marks. | ||
And then I noticed and went all the way around. | ||
And then, but I also realized that she lets me kiss her on the mouth. | ||
So she's not weird about that. | ||
She loves you. | ||
I got her less than 24 hours ago. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I was, I make candy every year for the comedy store Christmas party. | ||
I make it for all the employees. | ||
And it's actually a really difficult thing to hand out because out of uniform, I can't remember who works and who doesn't. | ||
Like, you know, a couple waitresses. | ||
Right, right, right. | ||
I remember last year I had my bag of candy. | ||
It's this homemade sponge candy. | ||
And I went up to this girl and I just said, do you work here? | ||
Meaning if you do, I'm going to give you candy. | ||
Right. | ||
It was as if I had set her mother on fire. | ||
She goes, no sweetie, I'm a comic. | ||
And I was like, I just walked away. | ||
But it's like, but are you? | ||
Because I don't know who the fuck you are. | ||
But also like, don't be a bitch. | ||
Yeah, well, just say no. | ||
Just say no. | ||
I was just trying to suss out your work there. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So I brought this candy. | ||
I do it every year. | ||
I'm home yesterday. | ||
I asked my husband to get sugar, and we had like half a thing of sugar because he accidentally used all of it making something, whatever. | ||
He is a chef. | ||
unidentified
|
He knows what he's doing. | |
We had a holiday party. | ||
But, you know, when you say he accidentally used it, you're saying it like he's inept. | ||
unidentified
|
Well, he didn't. | |
No. | ||
No, he didn't realize he had used so much in making this cranberry thing. | ||
And he said, I thought I had left you more, but I needed more. | ||
Oh. | ||
So I called a friend. | ||
I said, can I have some of your sugar? | ||
She's like, why don't you just go to the store at the bottom of the hill and get it? | ||
And then you found a dog. | ||
Well, I go there and there are these two, what are they? | ||
Beagles. | ||
And they were for adoption. | ||
And I really want a dog. | ||
And there was a giant husky that was like your size. | ||
And I was like, maybe I'll have a husky. | ||
It was too big. | ||
And I'm starting to like convince myself, like maybe I have a beagle. | ||
And the lady was Chinese. | ||
She was like, we have more dogs in the car. | ||
She opened up the car and there was like seven cute little white dogs and I picked up this one and I just started crying. | ||
My dog died while I was on tour in Japan. | ||
I never got to say goodbye to Blanche. | ||
And I'm just crying and I'm holding this dog and she's white and I was there to buy sugar and I do the girl thing where I'm like and she's white and it's sugar and she's sugar and it's cosmic. | ||
Cut to me just putting $300 in a cardboard box with no receipt, no paperwork. | ||
I gave this Chinese lady my phone number and I have a dog now. | ||
Her name is Tofu. | ||
So this lady goes to China and brings them back? | ||
Yep. | ||
Wow, that's heavy. | ||
And they were all like scheduled. | ||
It's a good move to go by Laurel Canyon. | ||
You know, you think that's so many fucking LA people that love dogs are in that area. | ||
So many people and it must work because she wouldn't set up shop there. | ||
LA's a good spot for dogs. | ||
You could have dogs here. | ||
You know, like everybody has a fucking dog. | ||
You know what's weirdly not a dog-friendly city is New York. | ||
Yeah, well, it sucks. | ||
I mean, unless you live right next to Central Park, I mean, to have a dog there. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
If you're in a fucking apartment, you're in a seven-floor walk-up and your dog's got to take a shit, Jesus Christ. | ||
You've got to walk down seven flights of stairs, take this fucking dog out. | ||
Yeah, and then the dog's like sniffing, like, hey, fuck face! | ||
Take your shit already! | ||
And there's so much garbage. | ||
My dog one time found all the pieces to a full Thanksgiving dinner on the streets. | ||
There's so much garbage. | ||
New York gets weird. | ||
And then you have to pick the shit up, too. | ||
You know, I saw there was a bunch of people in Brooklyn that got mad because they have these trees. | ||
And then they have the trees sort of fenced in. | ||
And then people were taking their dog, putting it over the fence, letting the dog shit, and then picking it up. | ||
They were putting signs up there. | ||
They took pictures of these people and put signs up. | ||
And like, this is not a toilet. | ||
Meanwhile, all of them throw their cigarette butts in the street. | ||
A lot of them do, right? | ||
I lived in Brooklyn for seven weeks this year because I was shooting my show. | ||
And I was appalled. | ||
You think of New Yorkers as this intelligent race, and they're all just throwing... | ||
Cigarette smokers almost universally do that. | ||
unidentified
|
It's... | |
Where do you... | ||
I just went on a rant about this recently. | ||
Where do you think that's going? | ||
Think about it. | ||
My friend John, actually, I confronted him about that. | ||
He's like, ah, somebody gets paid to pick that up. | ||
Nope. | ||
I did it to a comedy store worker the other day. | ||
I go, what are you doing? | ||
You be better. | ||
And he picked it up. | ||
You have to shame someone so that they remember. | ||
People I love and respect do that in the back parking lot of the comedy store. | ||
I'm like, what are you doing, man? | ||
You're littering? | ||
You gotta say something. | ||
I don't think of it as littering. | ||
There's something weird. | ||
But think of it. | ||
Right. | ||
Think of it. | ||
Why do you think they don't think of it as littering? | ||
Because it's always been done. | ||
And they think someone's sweeping it up. | ||
Not only are these cartridges going in our oceans and in our fish, these could set fires. | ||
It's just overall health. | ||
And also, don't be a piece of shit. | ||
Don't throw things on the ground. | ||
Not even food. | ||
Like, we all think you throw an apple core out. | ||
It's okay. | ||
It isn't. | ||
That attracts animals. | ||
It doesn't, like, to parts where it shouldn't be, like, on a road. | ||
Driving by a wooded area. | ||
Yeah, throwing the fucking wooded area. | ||
But people just throw trash out. | ||
Nobody considers, realizes that, like, this is your community and this is your home. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And it, I won't even drink out of plastic. | ||
Yeah, the cigarette thing is one of the weirder ones. | ||
Because I always felt like maybe it's because they're treating themselves like shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Here's a question. | ||
You're driving down the road with your window open smoking a cigarette. | ||
So you know that the smoke needs to... | ||
You know the smoke is bad because you're letting it escape. | ||
Why not just roll up your window and smoke it in your fucking car and kill yourself quietly? | ||
Why do you have to have it open or smokers that stand in the doorway? | ||
I'm like, it's not any warmer near the doorway if you're smoking outside. | ||
You're just making it so that we all have to smell like cigarettes leaving the building. | ||
Yeah, they don't give a fuck about that smell. | ||
That smells weird. | ||
Because the smell of pipes is actually nice. | ||
Tobacco is... | ||
Yeah. | ||
Someone has a nice... | ||
The smell of cigars. | ||
I like the smell of cigars. | ||
It smells good to me. | ||
The smell of cigarettes is always shitty. | ||
I don't know why we can't put... | ||
Perfume doesn't last. | ||
Cigarette smoke lasts four days. | ||
And I want that in a perfume. | ||
unidentified
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It gets in your clothes. | |
It gets in your clothes like nothing else. | ||
Isn't there something pretty you could burn? | ||
Just wave it around your body? | ||
Some sage type deal? | ||
To do what? | ||
To get a good smell. | ||
Like perfume? | ||
Yeah, just wave it over your cooter. | ||
Put on your feet. | ||
So my vagina burns? | ||
No, no, no. | ||
Like, get smoke everywhere. | ||
What if you did Poo-Pourri, that stuff that you sprayed? | ||
What if you did that on your body and then walked through a cigarette? | ||
Would it deflect? | ||
Who would win? | ||
Who would win? | ||
The bad smell or the good smell? | ||
Who will represent us in a Science Off? | ||
I walked by this lady the other day. | ||
I had to stop because I was tying my shoe. | ||
And this lady, her perfume was so strong. | ||
I literally wanted to stop tying my shoe and move away from her. | ||
You know, some people just go ham with the perfume. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, I know that's not what you smell like. | ||
I find it more often is with cologne. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
And I'm just like this. | ||
unidentified
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Oh, it's gross. | |
Yeah. | ||
It is gross because it triggers something. | ||
You're like, this feels cheap. | ||
This feels like I'm 20 in a shitty bar. | ||
Yeah, when I see a dude doing a cologne commercial, I'm always like, do you wear that stuff, man? | ||
unidentified
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No. | |
Hey, Brad Pitt, you really wearing cologne? | ||
He doesn't have to. | ||
Does he do cologne commercials? | ||
Probably in like Japan. | ||
Probably does, right? | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
Like Julia Roberts has that one weird European one where she's got her hands tied to like marionette strings. | ||
Well, that was a thing back in the day. | ||
It's on Dory time. | ||
It's on the outside. | ||
Or right in front of you over here, too. | ||
But the weird thing is back in the day, like, actors would never do commercials because if you did a commercial, we all knew, even people that were non-actors. | ||
They meant the end. | ||
Yeah, there was something wrong. | ||
So they go over somewhere. | ||
Right. | ||
I mean, wouldn't you? | ||
Here's a million dollars. | ||
Just say that you like this beverage. | ||
unidentified
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Fuck it. | |
No one's going to see it. | ||
Now everyone sees everything. | ||
Yeah, but back in the day, we'd find out that Julia Roberts does big-time commercials in Japan. | ||
You'd be like, what? | ||
Here's the thing. | ||
There will be no day of reckoning. | ||
I always think about this with acting. | ||
You make a shitty movie, seldom is anyone ever in an interview going to be like, remember that piece of shit you made? | ||
You never have to atone in person for a bad film choice. | ||
Because no one would have the balls to shit on you for trying to make money and make a living. | ||
There he is. | ||
Chanel. | ||
There you are. | ||
I remember that commercial. | ||
That is so preposterous. | ||
If I was Brad's friend, I'd play that every time I went over his house. | ||
I'd walk in with a boombox. | ||
If he came over my house, he'd be on every television. | ||
And I'd go, tell me when he's at the door. | ||
Tell me when he's at the door. | ||
unidentified
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Ready? | |
Go! | ||
Play! | ||
That's Peak Pit right there, too. | ||
With the hair. | ||
Legend of the Fall hair. | ||
Yeah, that's it. | ||
That's the fucking man who lives in the woods hair. | ||
Look at him. | ||
Hey, how you doing? | ||
He's a beautiful man. | ||
Beautiful. | ||
Not as beautiful as Jace Momoa. | ||
I was on set with this actor named Ryan Hansen, who's in, like, Veronica Mars, and we were talking about, like, Would You Rather, and we were just playing this game, and he was like, Who's your celebrity pass? | ||
I'm like, No one! | ||
It will wreck your marriage! | ||
But I just said I thought Jason Momoa was hot. | ||
And he just goes, Oh, he would treat you right. | ||
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But then when the time came, he would fucking lay it down. | |
And I was like, Yeah, put that velvet scrunchie on me. | ||
Into it. | ||
Okay. | ||
So many different kinds of hot. | ||
Weird that that dude's describing how another guy's gonna fuck you though. | ||
A little weird. | ||
It was cool. | ||
We were having lunch. | ||
He's just hot. | ||
Handsome fella. | ||
Big giant guy too. | ||
unidentified
|
Really nice guy. | |
And that scar is from a bar fight. | ||
Is it? | ||
So manly. | ||
Yeah, it's not like painted on. | ||
It's legit. | ||
He could have lost an eye. | ||
Could have. | ||
unidentified
|
But he didn't. | |
Yeah. | ||
He's okay. | ||
Right. | ||
Like old Frazetta paintings of Conan. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
He had a big scar across his forehead and cut into his eyebrows. | ||
I feel like you would want that. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like you would want a face scar. | ||
Right? | ||
If I probably kept fighting, I definitely would have got one. | ||
I would have got some. | ||
If I just kept fighting. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't want a face scar. | ||
I got a small one. | ||
Do you? | ||
What happened? | ||
An Alaskan Malamute bit me on the face on Thanksgiving. | ||
Those are weird ones. | ||
Those Malamutes bite people in the face. | ||
I will be honest, I was taunting the dog. | ||
I was like eight, and it got its revenge. | ||
I hear about German Shepherds biting people in the face, too. | ||
I love a German Shepherd. | ||
I've never had one, but I respect them. | ||
They're great dogs. | ||
Beautiful dogs. | ||
Yeah, they're smart. | ||
And a Belgian Malinois as well. | ||
Oh, those are real smart. | ||
The movie I just did, I had to do like a little half day of training with a Malinois for this scene. | ||
And I had to like hold its collar before I let it go. | ||
And that dog pulled me. | ||
Yeah, they're fucking strong. | ||
No joke. | ||
Have you ever seen some of the videos where they jump up like these preposterous heights to grab things? | ||
Like a vertical... | ||
Yeah, like 20 feet straight up in the air. | ||
They jump off people's shoulders and straight up in the air. | ||
unidentified
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It's... | |
I don't know where they get the propulsion. | ||
They're just ridiculously powerful athletic dogs that are designed to attack people. | ||
Yeah, that's what my tofu is going to be. | ||
Yeah, I think so. | ||
She's got it in her. | ||
unidentified
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She's vicious. | |
Yeah, for five pounds, she'd fuck you up. | ||
But those Malinois and German Shepherds, they need work. | ||
One of the things that people do, they make a big mistake, is they get a dog like that and they don't do anything with it. | ||
That's a working dog. | ||
If I had a dog like that, I'd take it with me all over the place. | ||
I would run it every fucking day. | ||
I would throw a ball with it. | ||
You've got to give them active things to do. | ||
It's German. | ||
It loves precision and productivity. | ||
Well, it's a guard dog. | ||
Look at that. | ||
Look at that dog. | ||
I mean, what in the fuck? | ||
That dog can fly. | ||
That dog can be in the NBA. And then how about how the dog lands? | ||
Like a cat! | ||
Oh, it lands on a padded thing. | ||
But they know how far it's going to go. | ||
That is an insane amount of athleticism. | ||
If that was a human, I mean, that would... | ||
We're watching a dog combine. | ||
Yeah, it's like the Hulk. | ||
That would be like leaping through the air like the Hulk. | ||
It's always hard for me at the airport when I see like a drug sniffing working dog, but it's like a yellow lab. | ||
I'm like, really? | ||
I can't pet the yellow lab. | ||
I don't. | ||
I don't. | ||
You could ruin the dog. | ||
I don't want to ruin the dog and his chances at retirement. | ||
You could ruin it. | ||
I'm not going to. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Those drug sniffing dogs make me fucking nervous because I'm like, what are they looking for? | ||
Not weed. | ||
That's the truth. | ||
But you can only teach a dog to look for one thing. | ||
You know, you can't say, hey, I want... | ||
The truth. | ||
The truth. | ||
You can't teach a dog, hey, I want you to look for guns and coke. | ||
Right. | ||
It's like residue or... | ||
Right. | ||
Do you smell gunpowder? | ||
Do you smell marijuana? | ||
Like, what do you smell? | ||
Like, what do you train the dog to smell? | ||
Heroin? | ||
Go find mushrooms. | ||
Bring them back. | ||
Right. | ||
Find them. | ||
Find them, you little fuck. | ||
Yeah, definitely the heroin, because I think you can make more things out of that. | ||
Well, it's one that kills you. | ||
It's one of the reasons why they should look out for heroin. | ||
Fentanyl. | ||
If they could smell fentanyl, that would be nice. | ||
They could smell fucking anything. | ||
But I feel like fentanyl, it's more local. | ||
Actually, no. | ||
I don't know what I'm talking about. | ||
I feel like with prescription drugs, that's more like it ravages a community. | ||
And when I think of airplanes, I think weight being pushed through from other countries. | ||
But I don't know. | ||
I think it's all things. | ||
Meth. | ||
It's everything. | ||
The really fucked up part about it is it's almost like what we were talking about with football. | ||
That football would be safer if there was no helmets. | ||
It doesn't make sense. | ||
Drugs would be safer if they were regulated. | ||
We would all be safer if they were legal. | ||
I feel that way about prostitution. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I'm going to actually broach this here. | ||
I was going to write a joke about it. | ||
I'm just going to say it. | ||
I believe... | ||
A state-issued, if you apply for funding, for support if you're going to school, like a loan, or the state's paying for you to go to school, you get a scholarship, you should also be able to apply for a state-issued prostitute. | ||
If you are a little socially awkward, maybe you haven't had sex, because men get weird if they haven't been made privy to the way a woman is, or they haven't had sex and you're going to college. | ||
Let's get you a prostitute. | ||
Let's get you having sex twice a week so you're not afraid of women. | ||
Let's get you a little less weird. | ||
Let's fund a prostitute. | ||
Well, I think if it didn't have the social stigma behind it there's a lot of people that would choose it over working at Wendy's. | ||
unidentified
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Great. | |
There's a lot of people that choose it. | ||
As long as it's a choice. | ||
The social stigma is that there's something wrong with it, right? | ||
Because it's a woman saying, I want to do this with my body. | ||
That's what's upsetting. | ||
It's sort of that, but it's also, well, in this country, it's also connected to sex slavery. | ||
We think of it as like if someone is doing that, then maybe they're a sex slave. | ||
Like maybe there's someone who's I think that's less on people's radars and it more has to do with the puritanical idea of shaming. | ||
There's a little bit of that, but I mean, that was one of the things that they were accusing Robert Kraft of. | ||
You remember Robert Kraft, who's the guy who owns the... | ||
Croft or Kraft? | ||
It's Kraft, right? | ||
He's the guy who owned the New England Patriots. | ||
He went to a massage parlor and they gave him a happy ending. | ||
And the next thing you know, they arrested him and told him there's a video of it. | ||
They were trying to get him to plead guilty and all this different shit that was going on to a guy who's like insanely, insanely wealthy, who just was going there to get jerked off. | ||
But one of the things they said was that he was participating somehow in sex trafficking. | ||
And so they were accusing him of that. | ||
That was a big part of what the police were saying. | ||
Well, it turned out that none of the girls that worked there were sex traffickers. | ||
They're just prostitutes. | ||
And the woman that did it to him, she was like 40 years old. | ||
But none of this would have happened if it was legal. | ||
None of it would have happened if it was legal. | ||
But it's also, they were using that term to, they were accusing him of this thing and using that term to brand him this way. | ||
Wait, are you telling me that there was a news story where they used a buzzword? | ||
Yes. | ||
Yeah, it is a buzzword. | ||
But it's a buzzword that's very specific in terms of the difference in the consequences that you would want someone to face, whether they just went there to get jerked off or they participated in sex slavery. | ||
Right, you're not a part of a ring. | ||
I mean, you are because the ring ends with you. | ||
So because there's a demand for it, there is a supply. | ||
So that is by and large a part of the issue. | ||
And I say this not knowing a ton about sex slavery, but I do know that if you take away the stigma, and you can normalize things very quickly. | ||
Weed is a great example, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You could do that and even we've done this with women and bodies and the way that we look at people who are overweight and we look at people with different things like we are getting to a place where it's less of a thing. | ||
I think you could do that with prostitution. | ||
I think so too. | ||
And it's fine and look at it as like this is her choice and if there wasn't an exorbitant demand for it, it wouldn't be a thing. | ||
Yeah, it's just you can't tell people what to do with their bodies any other way except when money's involved. | ||
That's where I have a problem with it. | ||
Except when taxes are involved. | ||
Yeah, but it's not even that. | ||
It's a societal position, right? | ||
If we were going to vote on it, most people would vote on no prostitution because they don't want their daughter or their sister or their mother to be a prostitute or them. | ||
They don't want to be a prostitute. | ||
That's why they would vote on it. | ||
But it's the only thing that's completely legal to do. | ||
Not only that, but it's what sells everything. | ||
When Brad Pitt is fucking selling cologne, he's telling I'm a hot man. | ||
If you get my cologne, you might get some pussy. | ||
I'm looking right at that mouth. | ||
Yes, look at him. | ||
It's beautiful. | ||
I agree. | ||
But that is the thing that is fucked up about all this. | ||
Like, a woman can have sex with as many people as she wants for free. | ||
But if she charges, then all of a sudden it's crap. | ||
But you can charge for a back rub? | ||
Like, what the fuck? | ||
You're like, I'm getting off either way. | ||
But it just doesn't make any sense. | ||
I agree with you. | ||
It's silly. | ||
It's restrictive. | ||
When it comes to the idea of a woman taking control of her own body, no taxes being paid, and the idea of someone being a whore because of our puritanical roots in this country, all those things combined make it a volatile topic. | ||
But at the end of the day, if she's going to make money that's going to go back into your society, that's going to be put to good use, it's going to be taxed, it's going to be in your community, what do you care what she's doing behind closed doors? | ||
If it's safe and it's regulated, just like weed, all of a sudden, there's standards now. | ||
There's a way to sanitize this. | ||
Yeah, I think so, and they did it in Australia. | ||
They did it in Nevada! | ||
Yeah, parts of it. | ||
Parts of it, right. | ||
But in Australia, they have, I mean, it's full on there. | ||
You can do whatever you want. | ||
They have brothels. | ||
But I think it's also one of the things that we're conditioned to have a perspective on. | ||
It's similar to the drug issue. | ||
Like, I don't want my friends or my daughters or my mother or anyone I know to be a prostitute. | ||
Right. | ||
So we have this position on it. | ||
I also don't want them to do coke. | ||
unidentified
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Right. | |
But I don't think coke should be illegal. | ||
I don't either. | ||
I don't think anybody should be able to lock you in a cage because you want to get coked up. | ||
Imagine if it were legal, how many less people would be dying just in a drug trade? | ||
Yes, and how many more people would be aware of how much you can do because you'd get actual coke. | ||
A lot of the shit you're getting is being cut because you're buying it from people that aren't companies, right? | ||
If you're going to buy something from Nabisco, if Nabisco was selling coke, Put the ingredients on it. | ||
It'd be 100% coke. | ||
You'd be able to get real coke. | ||
Real coke? | ||
Nabisco-flavored cocaine. | ||
Moreover, I mean, look in Europe the way that they are with alcohol. | ||
Like Italy, for example. | ||
Kids have wine when they're little. | ||
And sure, there's alcoholics there, but it's less of like a rumspringer freakout when you are able to do something. | ||
That's a great way to put it. | ||
A rumspringer freakout. | ||
What she's talking about, if you don't know, is the Amish have a thing. | ||
It's when they turn like 18, right? | ||
Something like that. | ||
They get to go ham. | ||
They get to do whatever they want. | ||
They can watch TV. They can drink and smoke pot and fuck and they go crazy for a short period of time and then at the end of that time they can either leave the church forever or come back and most of them come back. | ||
Right, because that's all you know. | ||
Also, you're probably so hungover. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
Someone make me some oat cakes. | ||
Get me back to cutting logs. | ||
This is bullshit. | ||
Real workout. | ||
Fuck it. | ||
Yeah, but that's the truth. | ||
What you're saying is the truth. | ||
Like, when you repress people, that's when they want to do things really badly. | ||
Oh, for everything, we have this obsession as humans with regulating other people's bodies, minds, everything, with religion, with laws. | ||
Some of them are put in place to make sure we don't accidentally kill ourselves, but by that same token, if you are dumb, like, we always have signs like, don't touch a live wire. | ||
Let them touch it! | ||
If you're dumb enough to do it... | ||
Well, no. | ||
You should have a sign that says, don't touch a live wire because it can kill you. | ||
Now, if you read that sign, you still touch the live wire, that's nature doing its thing. | ||
No, what that becomes, if you survive, is you suing the state. | ||
Well, the sign wasn't big enough. | ||
Well, that's a problem. | ||
It's a big problem. | ||
Yeah, people sue. | ||
We're very sue-happy in this country. | ||
Other countries, something happens to you, you break a leg on a city bus, your leg's just broken. | ||
That's it. | ||
It's not someone else's problem. | ||
Yeah, other countries don't even think about suing people over the shit that people sue for in America. | ||
It's a weird game, but it's also, you know, it's there to protect you. | ||
It's there to protect you, I think, a lot, just in discussions with my husband about, like, food safety, and in this country, everything is so sanitized, this, like, anodyne food system we have where everything is wrapped in plastic and refrigerated, and it's all there so that a health and safety inspector can say this is okay. | ||
You go to Europe, food is just out, and people are fine. | ||
unidentified
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Right. | |
Because companies, I think it has to do with health and safety, of course, but also liability. | ||
So much of our regulations and rules are really put in place for liability issues, making sure that somebody doesn't get sued versus your genuine concern for your safety. | ||
Because we're so able to just, it's good and bad living in America. | ||
You can sue if you feel you've been slighted, but you can sue not to really make a point, just to make some money. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, it's not perfect. | ||
It's not a perfect system. | ||
It's also super complicated. | ||
There's so many different rules and regulations and laws and things on the books. | ||
If we made three top rules right now, we'll do four. | ||
I'll do one when you do one. | ||
unidentified
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Don't be a cunt. | |
Don't be a cunt. | ||
You're going to say C? Is it the C word? | ||
I don't like the word. | ||
You don't like it? | ||
unidentified
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You say it. | |
I don't care. | ||
You don't say it? | ||
How about twat? | ||
Can I say twat? | ||
Yeah, you're just going to sound really old. | ||
Twat? | ||
Who says that? | ||
Everybody. | ||
Everybody? | ||
Kids are saying it again. | ||
It's like lit. | ||
It's back? | ||
Yeah, it's back. | ||
unidentified
|
Lit. | |
You know what else is? | ||
Fresh. | ||
Fresh to death? | ||
Fine. | ||
Like, that's fresh. | ||
Fine or foin? | ||
Someone's fine. | ||
He's fine. | ||
That's coming back? | ||
Guys don't use it though. | ||
You know what never left? | ||
Guys don't say that girl's fine. | ||
No. | ||
Have you ever heard that? | ||
No, right? | ||
unidentified
|
Not since like 2001. Yeah, guys, I think it was the 80s. | |
You know what? | ||
Never went away is cool. | ||
Yeah, right? | ||
Cool's always been cool. | ||
But now I feel like cool is more like when something sucks, you're like, cool. | ||
Like it's a sarcastic cool. | ||
But like, shoes can be cool. | ||
Nah, people still use it the right way. | ||
Dope. | ||
I'm partial to dope. | ||
I love dope. | ||
When I'm like into it, I'm like... | ||
Yeah, that's fucking dope. | ||
unidentified
|
Dope's... | |
Lit has come back very strong. | ||
I like lit. | ||
My 11-year-old used lit all the time. | ||
Lit. | ||
It's fucking lit, dad. | ||
unidentified
|
Lit, dad. | |
Have you heard zaddy? | ||
Zaddy. | ||
A friend of mine is like... | ||
Is that Azir's daddy? | ||
It's a non-gender binary. | ||
unidentified
|
No, no, it's not. | |
It's not. | ||
It's like a thing that girls say. | ||
It's like... | ||
What is it? | ||
It's like a young daddy. | ||
It's like a hot term of endearment. | ||
Right? | ||
It's something... | ||
Zaddy? | ||
Okay. | ||
Z-A-D. It's like a thing that... | ||
It's like a hot dad. | ||
They learned it on TikTok. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Oh, learned it on TikTok. | ||
I think it's a hot... | ||
unidentified
|
Probably a hot dog. | |
What is it, Jamie? | ||
unidentified
|
The Urban Dictionary. | |
Guy's attractive and fashionable, that's what it is, with swag and sex appeal. | ||
Interesting. | ||
So yeah, so I was wrong. | ||
Using a sentence, you might say, Did you see that guy at the mall? | ||
He was a total zaddy. | ||
And then we'd be like, what's a mall? | ||
That's from 2017. But I think it's already dead. | ||
I think that term's dead. | ||
unidentified
|
There's a rap song. | |
I think it died. | ||
Oh, turn that off. | ||
Shut it down. | ||
Good lord. | ||
I'm gonna get out of your hair. | ||
You wanna leave? | ||
Is that what you're saying? | ||
I can stay. | ||
You can stay. | ||
Let's talk for a little while. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
Okay. | ||
What were we just talking about before that? | ||
Before we got into that... | ||
Oh, I was saying we should make some rules. | ||
Right, yeah. | ||
You were saying don't be a C. You don't like that word. | ||
I just... | ||
I don't use it. | ||
I don't care if you use it. | ||
Twat is good. | ||
Twat never went away. | ||
It just didn't get that popular. | ||
It's sort of like... | ||
It came like an Alfa Romeo. | ||
It's like a fringe. | ||
Totally. | ||
You know what I'm saying? | ||
A totally fringe car. | ||
unidentified
|
It's not something people talk about regularly. | |
I'm all for like a brutal... | ||
It's always funny when someone peppers in like a brutal term for vagina. | ||
But it's not a vagina term. | ||
When you say cunt, first of all, for my friends that live in Australia, like my friend Adam Greentree, he throws that thing around like it's a beach ball. | ||
It's actually a weird adjustment for them. | ||
In England, too, they come here and we're like, dude, we don't say that, and that's a thing there. | ||
New Zealand, they have that too. | ||
Stylebender has a t-shirt that says something about good cunt. | ||
It just says good cunt. | ||
unidentified
|
Were you on the show the other night in the main room? | |
There's a kid sitting in the front row. | ||
His shirt in big bold letters just said, fuck Hitler. | ||
Oh boy. | ||
He's going out on a limb. | ||
I hope it's not an ironic t-shirt. | ||
And I was like, you're obviously not Jewish. | ||
He's like, I'm not. | ||
And I'm like, this is how strongly you feel. | ||
And I agree with the sentiment. | ||
I would never wear a shirt that said fuck on it. | ||
And I was like, it's just so jarring to read fuck that big that the rest of the sentiment for me evaporates. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I just think putting curse words on your shirt is just so aggressive. | ||
It's definitely aggressive. | ||
I saw a guy with a t-shirt on in Vegas that said, I'm with Trump, fuck the rest. | ||
And the fuck, the U, and the C had been turned into asterisks, so you had to figure out what it said. | ||
So, like, you saw... | ||
Flick the rest. | ||
You saw the K, and you saw the F, but what could it mean? | ||
What's missing? | ||
unidentified
|
What's missing? | |
I was looking at that shirt, I'm like, what in the hell? | ||
It's so Las Vegas. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Those shirts, and shirts that, remember there was this ironic t-shirt craze for a very long time that would be like, it would say, and only dorks wore them, it would say stuff like, the voices in my head tell me what to do. | ||
Oh yeah. | ||
Or like, sarcasm department. | ||
Like, I'm a cool nerd. | ||
You know what that shirt means? | ||
You got ripped off and you bought that stupid t-shirt. | ||
That's all it means. | ||
That's all it means. | ||
It means you're the type of knucklehead that buys a self-defining t-shirt. | ||
Like, this is my ethos. | ||
This is who I am. | ||
How dare you? | ||
How dare you? | ||
What am I wearing? | ||
What's on this? | ||
What are you wearing? | ||
A regular shirt? | ||
Oh, I got an aggressive shirt on. | ||
Oh, what is it? | ||
unidentified
|
Show me. | |
It might even have an F word on it. | ||
Oh my god, it's a skull with a fucking, with a... | ||
Oh, it says... | ||
Camouflage hat. | ||
What does it say at the top? | ||
It says, Marines never die. | ||
They just go to hell to get... | ||
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
They just go to hell to regroup. | ||
Okay. | ||
I love vintage military shirts. | ||
So is that like a legit vintage shirt? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like somebody made it in the 80s and it survived in someone's basement and they brought it to the thrift shore? | ||
It's a term I've heard. | ||
Like they never die. | ||
They just go to hell, whatever. | ||
I've had the shirt for a very long time and I got it from a vintage store. | ||
I had a friend of mine that I used to work with in construction. | ||
He had a tattoo that said, death before dishonor. | ||
And some guy came up to me and said, were you in the service? | ||
He goes, no, I just always liked it. | ||
I'm like, oh, all right. | ||
I saw somebody, some of the guy on the set the other day was wearing it and I gave him so much shit. | ||
He's just some dude. | ||
Death before dishonor? | ||
I'm like, do you know what it says? | ||
Yeah, I just liked it. | ||
I'm like, what does it mean to you? | ||
unidentified
|
It's just a shirt. | |
My wife picked it out. | ||
I'm like, it's just such an aggressive statement. | ||
And you're mad at him. | ||
I wasn't mad. | ||
You were a little mad. | ||
I asked him. | ||
You sound like you're mad. | ||
unidentified
|
What is this? | |
What is this gaslighting? | ||
unidentified
|
No, I'm just saying. | |
As a woman. | ||
That's another great term. | ||
I love that term. | ||
I love a good gaslighting. | ||
Gaslighting is weird. | ||
Twat. | ||
Here it goes. | ||
A woman's genitals! | ||
unidentified
|
That's the second one. | |
A person regarded as stupid or obnoxious is number one. | ||
A woman's genitals. | ||
I mean, who says stick it in my twat? | ||
Like, during sex? | ||
That would be a nightmare. | ||
unidentified
|
That would be... | |
Because what's after that? | ||
Like, where do you go from there if that's what you open with? | ||
When a girl says put it in my con, it's got to be jarring. | ||
Yeah, I'd be like, why am I having sex with her? | ||
unidentified
|
That's jarring. | |
Like, what is... | ||
What are you saying? | ||
Why are you saying it like that? | ||
unidentified
|
Even... | |
Even, like... | ||
Cock is so aggressive. | ||
And sometimes you have to, but you can't say penis. | ||
Right. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Put your penis in me. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
I used to do a bit about the word cock. | ||
It sounds like it's wearing a sombrero and carrying a gun. | ||
Because it's cock? | ||
It's just like it sounds manly. | ||
unidentified
|
The word cock is a fucking manly word. | |
Like penis. | ||
Sliv? | ||
It's too soft. | ||
It's penis. | ||
You know, it's like, can I get you in my penis? | ||
Can I put my penis in your sliv? | ||
Yeah, it's like, what do you think of my penis? | ||
What? | ||
What do you think of my penis? | ||
I like it like my penis. | ||
unidentified
|
Penis? | |
I like my penis. | ||
It's just, like, also vagina. | ||
Like, if a girl says, my vagina, we think about my... | ||
It's too clinical. | ||
It is, but it's okay, because it's like, you could have, like... | ||
A girl can say that, I think. | ||
Easier. | ||
I think sending a girl a dick pic, and I know I'm opening a floodgate with this, but try not to be an animal about it, folks. | ||
If you send a girl an unrequited dick pic, and you just write, what do you think about my penis? | ||
unidentified
|
She's gonna have such a mixed bag of emotions. | |
No one gets more dick pics than Whitney. | ||
I told her that she needs to write a book and publish all these. | ||
Just blur out everybody's face and publish all these dick pics. | ||
And blur out the dicks. | ||
She shares us. | ||
No! | ||
Leave the dicks. | ||
She shares them to us in this group text that I'm in with her. | ||
It's me and Delia and Swartzen and she'll send us these pictures that these guys send her. | ||
We're all like, you gotta write a book. | ||
This is so crazy. | ||
You gotta write a book. | ||
Have you seen this? | ||
There's so many. | ||
There's an app that blurs out part of the picture to make it look like your dick has been blurred out. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
It's awesome. | ||
So it makes it look like your dick's hanging out. | ||
Like if you're just sitting there and then it'll just put a blurry thing next to your leg. | ||
Did you see that one dude that they took down his photo on Instagram? | ||
And all he was doing, he was wearing shorts. | ||
Just a really muscular gentleman with a large hog. | ||
And he was wearing shorts. | ||
And they were like boxer briefs. | ||
And his dick was so big that you could see it in the boxer briefs. | ||
So Instagram took down his fucking photo. | ||
No, that's not cool. | ||
A dick in briefs! | ||
As per restriction, it is shrouded, and it should stand. | ||
Shrouded, good way to put it. | ||
Yeah, and it should stand. | ||
You are on point with the vocabulary in this podcast. | ||
unidentified
|
Talking about the famous Jason Derulo? | |
Yes! | ||
Oh, that? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
Wait, I'm taking my hat off. | ||
Did you see it? | ||
unidentified
|
I didn't see this. | |
No, I just Googled it. | ||
It's real recent. | ||
And dude, the guy's got a big hog. | ||
He's a very well-built gentleman, all around, very muscular and handsome with a large hog. | ||
Put the photo up. | ||
Yeah, put the photo up right now. | ||
Eliza can drool over this. | ||
unidentified
|
I can do it, bro. | |
So look at this. | ||
Look at this gentleman. | ||
First of all, what does this guy do? | ||
unidentified
|
He's a singer, a dancer. | |
He's going to be in the new Cats. | ||
That's what he does? | ||
He's going to be in the new Cats? | ||
How the fuck is a guy that manly in the... | ||
That doesn't make sense. | ||
But anyway, you can see by the outline of the hog. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Yeah, it's quite a hog. | ||
Look at that. | ||
But you know what? | ||
It's not terribly... | ||
You've got to look for it. | ||
It's not terribly prominent. | ||
You've got to look for it. | ||
It's not... | ||
It should not have had that taken down. | ||
What is he going to do? | ||
You've got a problem because he's got a big dick? | ||
Is that really what's getting it taken down? | ||
Who complained? | ||
Some asshole. | ||
He should put it back and just blur it out. | ||
Did he put it back? | ||
Did he blur it? | ||
I don't know. | ||
He should just put it back the way it is, really. | ||
unidentified
|
No, it's fine. | |
He should protest it. | ||
unidentified
|
He should. | |
It's nonsense. | ||
I got no problem with that. | ||
The guy's shredded with a large hog. | ||
Congratulations, sir. | ||
He's shredded with a large hog. | ||
Yeah, he's shredded with a large hog. | ||
It's the American dream. | ||
It is the American dream. | ||
You're shitting on the American dream, Instagram. | ||
You're un-American if you don't like a shrouded hog. | ||
He did cover it up. | ||
What did he do? | ||
Pixelate it? | ||
He put a big cap there. | ||
He put another dick over it. | ||
unidentified
|
What did he do? | |
He cut out another dick. | ||
He put a Subway there. | ||
unidentified
|
Is this better? | |
That's way better. | ||
He put a Subway sandwich there. | ||
That's fucking hilarious. | ||
He should be congratulated on his physique as well. | ||
That's some long hours in the gym right there. | ||
That is some high-weight, low-rep commitment. | ||
Yeah, 100%. | ||
That dude is working out. | ||
That dude's working out. | ||
He's doing shit. | ||
And showing his hog. | ||
What is the problem, folks? | ||
Is that when we're scared of hogs behind cloth? | ||
Also, who says social media has to be a bastion of purity? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Right. | ||
Twitter's not... | ||
It's a garbage wasteland. | ||
I love Twitter for that. | ||
Twitter shows all kinds of fucking and sucking and chaos. | ||
Maybe because Facebook owns it. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Probably, yeah. | ||
I think they just don't want porn on it. | ||
They don't want porn and most really violent images are hidden. | ||
You have to click on it to click through. | ||
I'm okay with that because I follow a lot of nature accounts and maybe today I don't want to see a baby seal clubbed. | ||
And it's good to know that those images are there so it's present in your mind. | ||
But define porn. | ||
Is that porn? | ||
And if his dick were smaller? | ||
No, that guy's not porn. | ||
Right, so where do we draw the line here? | ||
Well, Twitter would have no problem with that. | ||
Twitter keeps up most things. | ||
In fact, they took down when Tim Dillon did that Meghan McCain spoof. | ||
Have you ever seen that? | ||
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
One of the best fucking things on the internet. | ||
Tim Dillon as Meghan McCain. | ||
Do you know Tim? | ||
Mm-mm. | ||
You don't know Tim Dillon? | ||
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
Oh my god, he's fucking hilarious. | ||
He's a big, heavy gay guy who does the best Meghan McCain impression of all time. | ||
He's a hilarious comic. | ||
But you can't put a label on this guy. | ||
He's brilliant. | ||
And he's so fucking funny. | ||
Pull it up for Eliza. | ||
Look at it. | ||
Bring it to the beginning. | ||
Bring it to the beginning. | ||
Give me some volume. | ||
What's going on here? | ||
What's holding on here? | ||
unidentified
|
Moments... | |
Moments away? | ||
We're moments away. | ||
It's on mute, I think. | ||
What is happening? | ||
No, it's not. | ||
Fuck! | ||
Well, I mean, I get the joke. | ||
No, no, no, no. | ||
I need to get it harder. | ||
He goes hard in the paint. | ||
See if you can sort that out. | ||
Jamie will sort it out. | ||
Anyway, Instagram took this down, this video. | ||
You can only get it on YouTube and on Twitter now. | ||
Twitter left it up. | ||
Twitter leaves up everything. | ||
I think two of the highest forms of comedy are people falling and men dressed as women. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
It's never not funny. | ||
Here it goes. | ||
Bring it from the beginning. | ||
But here's the thing. | ||
Megan McCain blocked him on Twitter. | ||
Well, I wouldn't love that either. | ||
unidentified
|
She did? | |
Yes, she did. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
Yeah. | ||
Someone from Megan has asked to be on this podcast, and I would have her on with Tim in a heartbeat. | ||
Crank the volume up, please. | ||
Before my father died, I had a baby with him. | ||
unidentified
|
And we're going to... | |
It will be raised in captivity. | ||
unidentified
|
It'll be raised privately to be the greatest politician that has ever lived. | |
My name is Meghan McCain, and I'm on a news show called The View. | ||
And Donald Trump, that fucking riverboat casino captain, is talking shit about my father. | ||
My father was tortured for a hundred years for this fucking country, and he came back and he started seven wars because he's a gentleman. | ||
Fuck you, Trump. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm gonna wear my father's skin mask, and I'm gonna primary Trump from the right. | |
Come on The View, bitch. | ||
If you're that tough, come on The View. | ||
unidentified
|
You want an Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? | |
You want this shit? | ||
You want to fuck these tits, Trump? | ||
You want to fuck these tits? | ||
unidentified
|
No, you don't. | |
You want to suck cock. | ||
unidentified
|
But I won't fuck you because the only person I'll fuck is Danny. | |
I'll fuck his corpse. | ||
unidentified
|
I'll fuck Danny's corpse. | |
Wow. | ||
Riverboat casino captain. | ||
He's fucking genius. | ||
He's an animal. | ||
Funny and a good dude, too. | ||
Really, really good dude. | ||
Um, what was my point? | ||
Oh, Twitter had no problem with that. | ||
What about freedom of speech? | ||
Yeah, what about freedom of speech? | ||
That's funny. | ||
He's being funny. | ||
Come on. | ||
He's not inciting a riot. | ||
He's not calling for anyone. | ||
Is it her favorite thing ever? | ||
No, but where do you draw the line then? | ||
Listen, it's not her. | ||
He's making fun of her saying things she never said. | ||
It's funny. | ||
It's all it is, it's funny. | ||
But also, it's like, if you're gonna get that taken, like, where is that line? | ||
Where is that line? | ||
And no one can laugh at anything now. | ||
Right. | ||
I completely agree. | ||
And who's deciding? | ||
Unfunny people. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Unfunny people are in charge of comedy in studios, in meetings, in pitches, in comedy clubs, in audiences. | ||
And the fate of your career rests in the hands of someone who is not qualified to handle comedy. | ||
Not only that, the hands of someone who wants to let everyone know they're woke. | ||
Let everyone know they're adhering to progressive ideology. | ||
Let everyone know they're upholding these community standards. | ||
They all decide are important. | ||
Inclusivity. | ||
I was reading about this girl who got fired from a show. | ||
They didn't bring her back because she said that she had all these requests for people being cast on the show. | ||
She wanted an interracial couple. | ||
She wanted a gay character. | ||
She wanted all these things, and they didn't do it. | ||
They got rid of her, and she was complaining that they're not in favor of inclusivity. | ||
Imagine if you wrote a show. | ||
Just imagine if you're a writer. | ||
You wrote a show. | ||
You got this show. | ||
You got this idea. | ||
I'm going to do a shop, a coffee shop, and these people work there and have them interact with customers, some crazy stuff. | ||
I have it all written out. | ||
And someone who you cast, you say, okay, you're going to be Thelma. | ||
You're going to be the waitress. | ||
She's like, yes, I like that. | ||
Yes. | ||
Okay. | ||
She gets the part. | ||
Then she's like, I need you to have a transgender couple on this show. | ||
Oh, she was the actress, not the writer. | ||
No, not the writer. | ||
I want you to have an interracial couple. | ||
I want this to be inclusive. | ||
Inclusive. | ||
And they're like, what is this lady doing? | ||
Are you writing the show? | ||
Are you an actor now? | ||
I'm all for all of these things. | ||
I think sometimes what we have to be afraid of is tokenism. | ||
You want it always to be an organic story and we do have a problem with not populating our worlds with enough variety because white people see white things and people see things a certain way. | ||
You never want the tokenism. | ||
Like I never want to think I'm somewhere just because I'm a girl. | ||
I want to be there, you know? | ||
But it's tough because where do you draw that line? | ||
For my sketch show, which comes out in the spring... | ||
For my writers, I wanted a diverse writing team because I wanted to make sure that we were not inclusive, but also that we were making a smart show that wasn't just from one point of view. | ||
You wanted from different perspectives, but you also wanted quality. | ||
You wouldn't sacrifice quality just to get a demographic. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
And so what I did was, because to me this was an infallible way to do it, I had all the writer's packets, because people submit writing packets and samples, I had their names taken off of it. | ||
So that when I read your packet, I was reading it and I could only base my opinion on the content of the comedy. | ||
Good idea. | ||
I ended up with three Jews. | ||
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
Ha! | ||
But we had 28 submissions, and there were some we liked, some we didn't. | ||
We narrowed it down, but I never knew what the person's name was or what they looked like until I said I like it and we scheduled a meeting. | ||
Good for you. | ||
That's smart. | ||
That's a great way to do it. | ||
That's a meritocracy. | ||
That's what you really want. | ||
And the thing about this inclusivity, it's like... | ||
Yes, you want a world where everyone gets a chance, but you don't want equality of outcome. | ||
It doesn't work that way. | ||
What you want is people to rise to the top. | ||
And when you're dealing with mathematics, you're going to get a lot of European Jews, right? | ||
You're going to get a lot of Asian people. | ||
Why? | ||
Because they've studied that pretty extensively in their countries. | ||
It's been a part of their heritage for a long time. | ||
It doesn't mean that you're... | ||
You're being discriminatory against Italian Americans. | ||
It just means like these are the people, for whatever reason, that are more invested in that particular way of thinking. | ||
And we can begin to create opportunities and ways into things so that in 20 years, maybe it is, oh, everybody goes to see whatever ethnicity of doctor. | ||
We can create these opportunities, but nobody wants to sacrifice performance just for that. | ||
But that's why... | ||
Go out of your way to include someone, but it can't be like we're just mandating things. | ||
And that's for women, that's for anything. | ||
I want to be somewhere because I'm good. | ||
Yeah, yeah, 100%. | ||
What we want to concentrate on is having people have the quality of opportunity to explore different things that they want to do. | ||
And that should be there. | ||
And there should be programs created. | ||
And sometimes you do have to say, well, we need to take X amount of this many types of people to create that. | ||
But if you're given the chance and you do well, you're even that much more of a hidden gem. | ||
I always say this with... | ||
I see a lot of girls get upset. | ||
And I can't get on this show and I can't do this and that. | ||
But when you do get on a lineup and you fucking crush, you're the one everyone's going to talk about. | ||
So when you're given this opportunity to fucking nail it, it might be hard getting in there, but when you have that chance... | ||
You can't use things as a stepping stone one minute and as a crutch the next. | ||
So just know that if you're the only girl in a lineup, for example, and I'm speaking from a world that I live in, not for anything else, and you fuck up, people are going to think all women are like that because you were the sample. | ||
I would prefer them to not think about it all. | ||
Just think about being the best that they can be. | ||
Don't concentrate on your gender at all. | ||
Don't, but I think it's something that's always brought up and put in our faces. | ||
So if you have to, just know that if and when you do succeed and you are good or just as good, People will remember how great you were, and you will shine more than just the other average dude, the 12 dudes that were on there. | ||
Well, I think that's one of the good things about comedy communities is that when people are good, they get respect. | ||
It is merit-based. | ||
Like I said, there's no brilliant comic out there not getting any credit. | ||
Yeah, whether it's Ali Wong crushing or you or, you know, name the woman. | ||
Whitney, name a woman who's good. | ||
When they're killing, they're killing because they're a great comic and everybody gives them props. | ||
It's not this thing where, like, the men are versus the women. | ||
And by the way, to do the men, but to say the guy thing, if you are a mediocre, like, male comic especially now, you're not going anywhere. | ||
Because there's so many people doing comedy and the odds are so against you, you've got to fucking bring it and that gets rewarded. | ||
Yeah, for sure. | ||
We've all had to up our games because it's so popular now. | ||
Yeah, it's exciting though. | ||
I love the competition. | ||
It's a great time for all of us. | ||
It really is. | ||
Comics are more in control. | ||
You can make more comedy. | ||
There are more opportunities. | ||
When I started in comedy, nobody paid you for spots. | ||
And now you get paid. | ||
The comedy started, but small shows, nobody gave you money. | ||
There weren't that many. | ||
I remember I had to run one. | ||
There's so much more out there. | ||
So you've got to go and carve that out for yourself because it's definitely there for the taking. | ||
Yeah, it would be interesting if there was a service that let people figure out how to start off as an open-miker. | ||
Like an LA-based service. | ||
If you pay $5 a month, they'll give you a newsletter that shows you where all the different spots are. | ||
Yeah, or... | ||
It should be a little harder. | ||
Or figure it out. | ||
Yeah, or figure it out. | ||
And then once you figure it out, you got it. | ||
Or it's your friends. | ||
Ask ours around. | ||
There are shows. | ||
My husband always jokes because we pass a Baja Fresh. | ||
I'm like, I did a spot there once. | ||
Like, at Abandoned CVS, I did a spot there. | ||
Like, there are shows. | ||
Comedy is going on everywhere. | ||
A lot of coffee shops, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I went to see Poetry Slam once. | ||
Did you ever see a Poetry Slam? | ||
Mm-hmm. | ||
It's so weird. | ||
It's so weird. | ||
They take it so seriously. | ||
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
They take it so seriously. | ||
It's one of the most pretentious forms of entertainment that's ever been created. | ||
Well, that like staccato speaking. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Doesn't mean you can't be good at it. | ||
But in terms of overall pretentious level, it's probably the highest percentage ever. | ||
Yes. | ||
You hear people that are saying that you should do that now. | ||
You should wave jazz hands. | ||
Because some folks have a real problem with loud noises. | ||
And if you clap when you like something, it hurts their ears. | ||
Gotta be kinder, more gentle. | ||
I have noticed younger people snap, which I think, I did a college gig five years ago, and I was like, okay, it doesn't feel as validating as uproarious applause, but... | ||
That's like from the 50s. | ||
The beatnik poets. | ||
That's what they would do at jazz clubs, yeah. | ||
Yeah, man, good job, man. | ||
It's very, it's cool. | ||
And when girls do it, I'm like, yeah, I'm cool. | ||
I'm a young, cool girl, too. | ||
I'm young and cool. | ||
It's also a competition. | ||
How loud can your snap be? | ||
Is it based on skin thickness? | ||
I don't know what it's based on. | ||
Yeah, because your hands are thicker than mine and I have little cricket snips. | ||
Someone's listening to this. | ||
Just loading a shotgun. | ||
Angry. | ||
Angry! | ||
What the fuck are you snapping in my ears for? | ||
At a Swedish plate shop. | ||
Yeah, there's different kinds of snaps too, right? | ||
Isn't there one like you can go across like the top of your thumb with like your second finger instead of this? | ||
That's like a dude thing, like how dudes have like different whistles. | ||
Or what's this thing? | ||
Yeah, that's the one they do. | ||
What is that? | ||
I'm afraid I'm going to lose it. | ||
What is that supposed to be? | ||
Honestly, I don't think everyone's doing it, but it imitates packing a dip, like the dipkin. | ||
Yeah, because that's exactly what it looks like. | ||
My fingers don't make noise that way. | ||
My fingers don't make noise that way. | ||
They make noise that way. | ||
Ligament on ligament. | ||
They don't make noise that way. | ||
They're probably not doing it good. | ||
Remember arm farts? | ||
Those were huge when you were a kid. | ||
Make arm farts. | ||
Everybody figures that out. | ||
My kids figured it out. | ||
They thought they were so smart. | ||
I'm like, bitch, I've been doing that forever. | ||
You're trapping oxygen. | ||
Or this. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Hand farts. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's just a dry fuck. | ||
Old people. | ||
There's people that can get that whistle that's so ear piercing without doing anything, though. | ||
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They can just hold their lips in a way. | |
I can't whistle unless I suck on my fingers. | ||
I have to put fingers, two on each side. | ||
See, I always want to do the finger whistle. | ||
I can't. | ||
I have to do this one. | ||
I won't do it. | ||
You did it. | ||
Well, not really. | ||
That's a whistle reserved for calling dogs. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Gunner! | ||
Brixton! | ||
Right. | ||
And then you do it. | ||
Or when you want your significant other in the bedroom to fuck, right? | ||
I guess. | ||
Let out that whistle. | ||
Like, it's time! | ||
Do you need the whistle? | ||
No. | ||
You could have a drum set. | ||
I could literally just be like, babe. | ||
You'd be like, is it time to fuck? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You said my name. | ||
Come on, let's go. | ||
I'm always ready. | ||
I'm always ready. | ||
Rock hard. | ||
Yeah, guys that turn down sucks. | ||
I've heard girls talk about that. | ||
That like, you know, that they're the ones who wanted it and the guy was always saying no. | ||
I was like, you're dating a gay guy. | ||
Or he had herpes. | ||
Or he's, whoa, interesting. | ||
Think about it. | ||
Great. | ||
He's like, oh, not today. | ||
I definitely, I've had people talk about that. | ||
I'm like, he had herpes. | ||
Wow, good point. | ||
And by the way, if he's having sex with the intermittent, I think there's also that. | ||
It's uncomfortable. | ||
Right. | ||
Most people have it, so that's probably what it is. | ||
Or he's coming down from doing too much coke. | ||
Yeah, or there's that. | ||
There's a lot of people. | ||
I feel like she would know. | ||
Maybe. | ||
I dated a girl and I didn't know she was a coke head. | ||
Didn't know until after I dated her. | ||
I didn't date her a lot. | ||
I saw her rarely. | ||
She seemed pretty normal. | ||
You can conceal that drug, just like late nights. | ||
Like, I've got a friend who's a total cokehead, but other than the fact that she talks really fast. | ||
You didn't know? | ||
No, no, I do know, but you wouldn't know. | ||
Oh. | ||
One wouldn't know. | ||
Well, that's the... | ||
What Adderall is, is people that, like, have an affinity towards that kind of thing, and they can do it every day. | ||
That is a giant problem, that drug. | ||
And you see people that have, when they're on it, they have this unfounded self-image, like unfounded belief in themselves, like delusional belief in themselves. | ||
It's a very strange drug. | ||
It's like hubris and pill form. | ||
Yep. | ||
It takes away all of your inhibitions about expressing how good you are at things and everyone else sucks. | ||
You find all these faults in people. | ||
You don't find any in yourself. | ||
You have unfounded confidence in your ability to get things done. | ||
It's a weird drug. | ||
It's a weird drug and a lot of fucking people are on it. | ||
But how good is Scarface? | ||
Oh, it's amazing. | ||
It's so good. | ||
To this day. | ||
And I don't even think his accent... | ||
Everyone thinks his accent's bad. | ||
I think it's great. | ||
It's great! | ||
It doesn't sound totally Cuban. | ||
It's exactly what a Cuban person sounds like. | ||
Maybe. | ||
I know a lot. | ||
I mean, Joey Diaz doesn't sound like that. | ||
But he's an American person. | ||
It's off. | ||
It's off, for sure. | ||
But it's really good. | ||
To find a generation of impressions. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
It's an off impression, but it's a really good off impression. | ||
Has influenced almost every rapper. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Do you remember the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Crazy Eyes Killa had Larry David over his house and he plays Scarface 24-7 on his big screen? | ||
It's like a Bible. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But... | ||
I mean, it was one of the ghetto boys, Scarface. | ||
But it's an American tale. | ||
Yes, it is. | ||
What he did. | ||
Sure, yeah. | ||
Got the girl, came from nothing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And made his way up. | ||
Yeah, even how he came over here. | ||
I mean, it is an American tale. | ||
He came to the land of opportunity. | ||
And he had it until Miami PD fucking shot him up. | ||
Have you ever seen Cocaine Cowboys? | ||
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Uh-uh. | |
Oh my goodness. | ||
One of the best documentaries of all time. | ||
My friend Billy Corbin made it. | ||
Cocaine Cowboys 1 and Cocaine Cowboys 2. Billy's been on the podcast a few times. | ||
He makes a bunch of different documentaries, but those two are just fucking gems. | ||
It shows you how goddamn crazy Miami was in the 1980s. | ||
There was one year where the police academy, the graduating class, half of them were murdered, and the other half of them went to jail. | ||
We went to jail for corruption. | ||
It was just coke everywhere. | ||
All these pilots talking about coke. | ||
All these hitmen. | ||
They got hitmen on film talking about all the shit they did. | ||
It is a crazy documentary. | ||
It's a brutal drug. | ||
Well, it's also what defined Miami. | ||
My buddy Steve was an ophthalmologist. | ||
Shout out to Steve Graham. | ||
He was an ophthalmologist during his residency. | ||
He was in Miami in the emergency room. | ||
He would tell me about dudes. | ||
Horrific wounds. | ||
Yeah, just to the face. | ||
Just everyone's getting fucked up and shot and stabbed. | ||
It's like a war zone. | ||
Oh, I thought you meant just from coke, like just from doing so much of it, getting into your whole face. | ||
People murdering people. | ||
Sure. | ||
I mean, it was a goddamn war zone. | ||
Still is. | ||
I mean, not still is, but still is a war, like just the trafficking of it and what that does to our neighbors to the south. | ||
Have you ever seen the video of the Coast Guard pulling over the Mexican submarine that's filled with coke? | ||
Cocaine, yeah. | ||
And they jump on top of it and bang on the lid. | ||
Such an ex machina moment. | ||
Like, who's the guy banging on that? | ||
We all want to bang on a floating submarine. | ||
And be the kind of man that has the balls to jump on a submarine while it's moving through the ocean. | ||
Yeah, that's fucking... | ||
That's a savage move. | ||
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That's lit. | |
That's lit as fuck. | ||
All that stuff could be avoided if it was legal. | ||
If it was legal, you'd be buying, again, you'd be buying fucking Coca-Cola cocaine. | ||
Which is what our grandparents had. | ||
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Yep. | |
Legalize it, sanitize it, regulate it, tax it. | ||
Bob's your uncle. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Do you know that they still use cocaine to make the flavor for Coca-Cola? | ||
I challenge that. | ||
A coca leaf, maybe? | ||
Coca leaf, that's what I'm saying. | ||
But not cocaine. | ||
They actually take the coca leaf. | ||
But cocaine is a byproduct of a coca leaf. | ||
Exactly. | ||
You're correct. | ||
They take the coca leaf, they extract the cocaine, and then it's the number one medical supplier of medical cocaine takes that stuff from the coca leaves that they convert into the flavonoids that they use for Coca-Cola. | ||
No, Coca-Cola is all natural. | ||
That's why it tastes so good. | ||
It tastes so good. | ||
It's so good. | ||
They did this experiment where they put some Coca-Cola on the floor and then Diet Coke. | ||
And bugs wouldn't go near the Diet Coke. | ||
Yeah, but that's because it doesn't have sugar in it. | ||
Bugs are stupid as fuck. | ||
I think it's whatever they put in the Diet Coke. | ||
Yeah, but they probably wouldn't go down the floor for water either. | ||
They know what sugar is. | ||
I feel like they were sugar ants. | ||
Sugar works for them. | ||
Yeah, but sugar works for them. | ||
I'm just saying, if a bug doesn't want it, But you know how you get like flavor from sugar? | ||
Bugs don't necessarily get flavor. | ||
They're going to it because they're probably attracted to the smell of it because they know it's going to be effective for whatever they're trying to do. | ||
I'm just saying the Diet Coke repelled them. | ||
I prefer it though. | ||
I prefer the taste of Diet Coke. | ||
It's lighter. | ||
I like a Diet Coke on occasion with a little bit of lemon. | ||
Ooh, how about some lime? | ||
Are you racist against limes? | ||
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Yeah. | |
Big time. | ||
That's where I draw my line. | ||
Everything else I was okay with, but this, we got a real problem. | ||
If you get sparkly water, they ask you if you want limes. | ||
You get regular water. | ||
Always get lime. | ||
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Yes. | |
Which is actually kind of hard to find outside of the country. | ||
The lime. | ||
Lime. | ||
You go to a lot of countries, they're like, we have lemon. | ||
I'm like, lemon? | ||
It's not the same, but some people just don't have limes. | ||
Yeah, they don't get it. | ||
Fucking losers. | ||
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|
Yeah. | |
Get some limes in your life. | ||
Get some limes. | ||
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Belgium. | |
If you can grow lemons, you can grow limes. | ||
Not true. | ||
No? | ||
Nope. | ||
Different soil? | ||
It's just different. | ||
Is it? | ||
Yeah, you see a lot of lemon trees in LA. You don't see any lime trees. | ||
Maybe it's because people suck. | ||
I think we have an aversion to delicious things here. | ||
Really? | ||
I really feel like there's so many fruits that we sleep on. | ||
Like what? | ||
Like durian? | ||
I have some in my house right now. | ||
Does it stink? | ||
It stinks at my freezer. | ||
It's freeze dried. | ||
I brought it home. | ||
Did you like it? | ||
I liked it fresh there. | ||
I thought it was really cool. | ||
It's weird, right? | ||
But I do it as like a party trick just to watch people's faces contort. | ||
Mangosteen, super tasty. | ||
Mangosteen? | ||
Jujubees, which is, I found out recently, an actual fruit, not just a candy. | ||
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Really? | |
Dried Jujubee. | ||
It will change your life. | ||
And I brought it to set, and all the Asian girls were like, yeah, my grandma uses them. | ||
And I'd never heard of it. | ||
And we just, what do we have? | ||
Apples and fucking grapes? | ||
Sometimes we have melon. | ||
A little bit of melon. | ||
Cantaloupe, perhaps? | ||
Everybody thinks it's funny to shit on melons. | ||
I love cantaloupe. | ||
I love melons. | ||
Honeydew? | ||
Dude, I love them. | ||
When it's hot out, a cold cantaloupe might be one of the best fucking things you can eat in your life. | ||
Barbara Streisand once said her definition of luxury was not having to scoop down to the skin in a cantaloupe. | ||
Like not having to go deep. | ||
She's a wasteful bitch. | ||
It is tasty though. | ||
She's probably throwing straws in the ocean too, right off her balcony into the fucking ocean. | ||
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|
Fuck these turtles! | |
I went around last night at the comedy store. | ||
I was like, why is everyone having a straw? | ||
Men shouldn't use straws. | ||
If you need a straw, great. | ||
What about women? | ||
Can women use it? | ||
You know what? | ||
Your lipstick's not that sacred. | ||
But then the lipstick, you're crushing up bugs, you're wasting it. | ||
I don't know. | ||
What about paper straws? | ||
Do you need a straw? | ||
Let's say that you are not medically incapacitated in any form. | ||
Do you need a straw other than a smoothie? | ||
I do, because it's a good way to make a point. | ||
What's the point? | ||
So, like, if I have a straw in here, and I go, well, maybe you should get your shit together. | ||
I'm going to suck on the straw. | ||
It's like when the old-timey guys would take a hit on their cigar. | ||
And I told her, get the fuck out of my room! | ||
It's a good punctuation. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I would argue a gurgly sip, like I started this conversation with, is equally as shady, right? | ||
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Like, oh, and maybe you should eat my shit. | |
It is. | ||
It is just as good. | ||
It's actually kind of better. | ||
No more straws, but more. | ||
Because you're guiding your face. | ||
No, straws are good, and they're good for a reason. | ||
It's a good way to suck liquid through quickly. | ||
Shouldn't just be automatically given. | ||
You don't have to tilt your fucking hand back like a savage. | ||
You could just pull in the straw. | ||
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|
Really? | |
Like savages drink tea with their pinkies up? | ||
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|
Is that a savage thing? | |
The issue is biodegradable plastic. | ||
It's very possible. | ||
You make it with hemp fiber. | ||
It's not hard. | ||
They know how to do it. | ||
It literally goes back in the earth in 80 days. | ||
That's the thing. | ||
They know how to do a lot of these things and we don't because it doesn't make money or people don't. | ||
They want to maximize their profitability now. | ||
There's a giant business making plastic straws. | ||
They can shift over to making hemp plastic. | ||
It's really not that hard. | ||
Easily. | ||
And what kills me is people are like, look, no straw. | ||
I'm like, but the whole cup is plastic. | ||
These are... | ||
Fucks. | ||
Just saying, we waste a lot of these things. | ||
You got a Yeti? | ||
That thing is awesome. | ||
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|
Yeah. | |
I have one. | ||
Pretty good. | ||
Can I have one of yours, too? | ||
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|
Fuck yeah. | |
I was hoping to get a free one. | ||
I got a free one for you. | ||
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Great. | |
100%. | ||
It's got my face on it. | ||
It'll make you feel weird with me drinking your coffee. | ||
I've gotten one before, so I'd like another one. | ||
Did you give it away? | ||
Did you gift it? | ||
What did I do with it? | ||
I have it. | ||
I think I just have two. | ||
The plastic lids on Starbucks cups. | ||
Those gotta be a problem. | ||
It's a huge problem. | ||
You can't do it with paper, right? | ||
Plastic bottled water. | ||
Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
Who the fuck would buy that? | ||
It is ridiculous. | ||
Why is it here, Jamie? | ||
This is outrageous. | ||
Who bought it? | ||
No one's that thirsty. | ||
We're telling Jason Momoa, if he comes here, he's going to shame us all. | ||
Tell him I said hi. | ||
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|
Some sort of water, like in a can? | |
He sells water in a can? | ||
Oh, that's why he's shaming it? | ||
Oh, fucking, I thought he was just virtuous. | ||
Yeah, I didn't know that either. | ||
I just have a filter in my house, and I just drink the tap water. | ||
I do, too. | ||
But we should get some sort of a big jug. | ||
Yep, definitely. | ||
You have the beautiful coffee machine. | ||
The Laird Hamilton Superfood coffee machine? | ||
Yeah, get a Laird Hamilton Superfood water machine. | ||
I don't think it works like that. | ||
Yeah, ask him. | ||
We'll just get something. | ||
He lives in the water. | ||
He does. | ||
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|
He can hook it up. | |
Yeah. | ||
We just need to get some sort of glass containers to keep them on the table. | ||
Oh, if only we had a container. | ||
I know. | ||
I am the Lorax, and I'm just doing my part. | ||
Speaking for the trees. | ||
Well, I remember that movie. | ||
I remember that book, too, from when I was a little kid. | ||
The movie was actually pretty good. | ||
The movie was great. | ||
The message is great. | ||
I drive a 2009 Honda Civic Hybrid because I don't want to get a new car, and it's a hybrid, and that's the part that I'm doing. | ||
I know. | ||
You've had that same car forever. | ||
I always shit on you for it. | ||
I love it. | ||
You got money, lady. | ||
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|
I know. | |
Get yourself a fat ride. | ||
You should get yourself an old Cadillac, a big purple one. | ||
Or maybe a Lincoln with suicide doors. | ||
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|
Woo! | |
Yeah. | ||
How about that? | ||
Dark? | ||
Pimp my ride. | ||
I could pick up so many chicks. | ||
Yes. | ||
Now we're talking. | ||
Go Lesbo. | ||
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Full Lesbo. | |
We get a dark purple with a metallic flake. | ||
No, a Lincoln. | ||
A big old flake. | ||
Four-door Continental with suicide doors. | ||
1965. Or I could get a Cadillac, and I could get a Cadillac emblem tattooed on me. | ||
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|
Ooh, like Travis Barker. | |
And I could get an old English font. | ||
Get one on your neck. | ||
Yeah, I could get it there, and I could start finger-blasting chicks. | ||
Oh, you're going to do that, too? | ||
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|
Yeah. | |
Call me zaddy. | ||
Okay. | ||
I'm going to keep... | ||
You were talking about finger-blasting, and I panicked! | ||
I'm going to keep the Honda Civic Hybrid until the wheels... | ||
I just bought a $700 alternator. | ||
Honestly, why do you still have that? | ||
Just to see how long it'll last? | ||
No, for those reasons. | ||
Do you like to pull into the comedy store and feel better than people because you're helping? | ||
I would love to show everyone how powerful I am with a nice car. | ||
You can afford a nice car, Lee. | ||
I know how much you make. | ||
It's a hybrid, and I don't need a new car. | ||
We live in this society that you're always trying to posture and show off things, and that's fine if a car is your thing, but that's just a way that I choose to help. | ||
Good for you. | ||
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|
That's it. | |
Well, you're right. | ||
You know, if you want to, like, be a conserver of resources, like, you're absolutely conserving resources by driving that old shitty car. | ||
But I think you work hard and deserve a fat ride. | ||
I'm talking about, like, a 2020 Corvette with your name on it. | ||
That does nothing for me. | ||
Pink like a vagina. | ||
A Corvette? | ||
Woo! | ||
Come on, chrome wheels, fuzzy dice, let's go. | ||
Who are you talking to? | ||
Let's go, Eliza. | ||
Have we met? | ||
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|
How about a truck? | |
How about a truck with giant jacked up wheels like a dude with a little dick? | ||
How about you get one of those? | ||
You say that, but the lesbian part of me wants a fucking truck. | ||
Get one. | ||
How much lesbian do you think you have in you? | ||
Just that truck. | ||
I don't want to kiss a woman, but I do want that truck. | ||
Okay, you don't have to kiss her. | ||
She can just kiss you. | ||
I don't want that. | ||
And that's cool if that's the way you are. | ||
But trucks, just being from Texas, like my brother's got a nice truck. | ||
There's something about being something about a truck. | ||
Let's just pretend that you decided to get rid of that shit. | ||
No, because you're going to judge my truck. | ||
No, I wouldn't. | ||
Well, Dodge Ram makes a nice truck. | ||
Dodge Ram makes a very nice truck. | ||
Extended cab? | ||
Fuck yeah. | ||
They have that big screen too. | ||
They have a great dash setup now. | ||
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|
Is there a hybrid truck? | |
2020 models? | ||
Hybrid. | ||
It would be a waste. | ||
Communist? | ||
That's what I'm asking for. | ||
No, get one of them Cybertrucks. | ||
I got nothing to put in the bed. | ||
Get the Elon Musk Cybertruck. | ||
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|
That ugly man. | |
How dare you? | ||
That thing's amazing. | ||
I love it. | ||
I live up a very narrow... | ||
Some guy next to me has a Hummer, but I live up a very narrow dirt road. | ||
What does a Hummer do? | ||
Just fucking jack everybody's car as he drives by? | ||
It just fucking sits there, covered in one of those military flaps that looks like it has fake leaves on it. | ||
There you go. | ||
Dodge Ram with the fender flares and big old fucking tires on it. | ||
Those gotta be 35-inch tires, right, Jamie? | ||
Is that a zipper on the front of the grille? | ||
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|
That looks like a zipper. | |
No, that's LED lights. | ||
Oh, that's necessary. | ||
It is necessary if you go off-roading. | ||
How dare you? | ||
Can I tell you, my first boyfriend in high school had a Dodge Ram with a lift kit. | ||
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|
Ooh. | |
Did you miss it? | ||
No, but it was, I mean, people were kind of like, this is, but it was like a serious truck. | ||
Fuck yeah. | ||
A lift kit while it's super Florida Georgia line and like a little white trash. | ||
I don't know. | ||
When we played Florida, we rented like a big Ford truck. | ||
They're great. | ||
It's fun to do in the right context, but I don't need that. | ||
Well listen, there's trucks now that you drive that drive amazing, like a Ford Raptor. | ||
Ford Raptors are super comfortable because there's a lot of travel in the wheels. | ||
Like the wheels absorb potholes because they're supposed to be like, they're off-road vehicles. | ||
So they handle bumps better than anything. | ||
Super comfortable to drive. | ||
If you're concerned about the person sitting in the back, which I seldom am carrying anyone. | ||
So as long as my front is comfortable. | ||
Sitting in the back? | ||
Sitting in the back of a truck. | ||
Like my brother's truck. | ||
Like you leave and your neck's all jacked up because the shocks are shit. | ||
It's a nice car, but it doesn't feel great. | ||
No, Raptor absorbs shit. | ||
It's actually pretty comfortable. | ||
You can drive over crazy rugged terrain at very fast speeds. | ||
I am watching America fall like Rome. | ||
I'm watching our world fall, and I don't need a new car. | ||
I get it. | ||
And so I just admit that, but I do buy other things that are nice. | ||
I've got my money in other ways. | ||
I believe you. | ||
I believe you. | ||
Listen, I'm not shaming you. | ||
No, no, I'm not shamed. | ||
But not really. | ||
I'm just making fun of you. | ||
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
Your shitty fucking car. | ||
I'll take the living. | ||
How about you get a 1969 Corvette? | ||
With no air conditioning and no... | ||
unidentified
|
Old school. | |
How about you get an old school hot rod? | ||
And just be hot? | ||
Driving around in one of those with a stick shift. | ||
Rumbling. | ||
A stick shift? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Whistling out the window at girls. | ||
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
Pack of cigarettes rolled up in your sleeve. | ||
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
Watch me pack this dip. | ||
Whoa. | ||
Check it out, hookers. | ||
That's it. | ||
The way you said hookers, you weren't really committing to it. | ||
I hit trash cans with my car. | ||
Do you? | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Oh, so you love the fact that your car is kind of a beater. | ||
I don't go out of my way, but I'm not concerned about it. | ||
And more importantly, I'm not trying to attract women or posture as anything. | ||
So I don't need a nice car. | ||
It's okay. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
It's okay. | ||
You hate America. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You hate cars? | ||
That's what it is. | ||
But what if someone gave you a dope car? | ||
Like, what kind of car would someone... | ||
Like, if someone was like, happy birthday, Eliza? | ||
I think a Tesla makes the most sense because of the emissions and everything. | ||
Yeah! | ||
I don't want to... | ||
I have one. | ||
I know. | ||
I saw you pull in. | ||
It's dope. | ||
I love a big SUV. You know what I always wanted? | ||
You could throw that fucking Honda right in the garbage if you ever drove my car. | ||
No, I would gift it to someone. | ||
The Honda? | ||
My assistant, who has the same car, but mine's a hybrid. | ||
Hers isn't. | ||
Oh, God. | ||
And your car's stinky, Emily. | ||
I always wanted a G-Wagon. | ||
Those are dope. | ||
It's not responsible. | ||
Not responsible. | ||
But what if you want to go to war and you need something that has three lockers? | ||
Three locking differentials. | ||
Of course it's a German car. | ||
They're like, this is necessary. | ||
It's very necessary. | ||
I'd probably just drive out of town. | ||
Good move. | ||
I'd be the first to go if we went to war. | ||
The new ones are weird because the new G-Wagons aren't really a military vehicle anymore. | ||
It's just a really nice Mercedes with very heavy metal door. | ||
Well, and you have to get the AMG package. | ||
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
And if you don't, then it's like you got a 3 Series. | ||
Whoa. | ||
Is there anything wrong with a 3 Series? | ||
Who are you? | ||
I'm just saying. | ||
I thought you were the girl who owns the 2002 Honda and you're shitting on people with a 3 Series? | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
How dare you? | ||
Why? | ||
I just feel like it's hypocritical a little bit. | ||
I don't think so. | ||
3 Series is a nice car. | ||
I'm making a point with mine. | ||
3 Series is, my dad got this for me, and it's like a dipping a toe in luxury. | ||
Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
BMW 3 Series is what my friends got when they were 16. I had a Blazer. | ||
Did you really? | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
I drove that thing all the way to LA. Chevy Blazers, the shit. | ||
It was all the bells and whistles. | ||
It was awesome. | ||
It had a little splash decal. | ||
Why did Chevy stop making that? | ||
They have a Tahoe. | ||
It's like the McRib. | ||
They take away things that people love. | ||
Why would they do that? | ||
They're bringing back the Bronco. | ||
Ford has a 2020 Bronco. | ||
It's fucking dope. | ||
But you want an old Bronco. | ||
You don't want the new one. | ||
You want the look of the old one. | ||
What is that piece of shit? | ||
What is that? | ||
That's the new Blazer. | ||
Get the fuck out of here. | ||
That's not a Blazer. | ||
It looks like a Nissan. | ||
That's terrible. | ||
It's got like a shitty body. | ||
That's terrible. | ||
How is that a Blazer? | ||
That's a Blazer? | ||
It looks like a Lexus. | ||
Not that there's anything wrong with it, but they're ripping off the Lexus grille. | ||
Well, the front looks like a Range Rover to me. | ||
But dude, that is a Lexus grille. | ||
Look at how that grille is. | ||
Now go to Lexus LS570 or LX570. Look at that grill and see the shape of that grill. | ||
Lexus LX 570. Now check this out. | ||
Look at the grill on that. | ||
Same fucking grill. | ||
It's definitely a Lexus grill. | ||
That's the same grill. | ||
Ooh, I like... | ||
unidentified
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Oh, no. | |
You bitches stole a grill. | ||
Now that you make a grandma car out of a goddamn blazer, but you stole the grill. | ||
Now go to... | ||
Lexus is a grandma car. | ||
SUV Lexus is a grandma car. | ||
Those 570s are the shit. | ||
Whatever. | ||
Those things are legitimate off-road vehicles. | ||
You can have a lit grandma. | ||
No one's off-roading in a Lexus. | ||
You can, though. | ||
Do you know that's the same base as a Toyota Land Cruiser? | ||
Yeah, I did know. | ||
It's the same chassis? | ||
Everything's the same. | ||
Is that what you're trying to tell me? | ||
It lifts up. | ||
It actually has a button where you can lift to go off-roading. | ||
It has locking differentials. | ||
Yeah, but my Honda Civic Hybrid has a CD player. | ||
See? | ||
See the guy's off-roading. | ||
It's fucking Lexus. | ||
People have done it. | ||
There's actually a Motor Trend video. | ||
No, it's a Motor Trend video. | ||
They got lost. | ||
unidentified
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No. | |
They're showing you the capabilities of this amazing platform. | ||
Keys of machinery. | ||
It's amazing. | ||
How dare you? | ||
Pull up 2020 Ford Bronco, though, because that's legit. | ||
The 2020 Ford Bronco is not like that shitty Blazer. | ||
2020 Ford Bronco is legit. | ||
It's a legit, beautiful vehicle. | ||
And people are already starting to develop customizing kits. | ||
You got it? | ||
Check this out. | ||
This is America. | ||
Jamie, you're killing me here with the suspense. | ||
Do they have legit pictures? | ||
You might be right. | ||
I think they do have some legit pictures, though. | ||
Maybe just renders? | ||
unidentified
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Let me see. | |
I'm going to Ford.com. | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
There you go. | ||
Are these all your cars in a garage? | ||
Those are mine. | ||
Oh, I didn't know there was a garage in here. | ||
They haven't premiered it yet. | ||
unidentified
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They haven't shown it yet. | |
Oh, really? | ||
unidentified
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Yeah, so there's no... | |
Oh, so all those pictures are fake? | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
But they're definitely, at least, know kind of what it looks like. | ||
I think there's been leaks. | ||
Let's see leaked Ford Bronco pics. | ||
Leaked nude Ford Bronco pics. | ||
There's one that they released, though, if I remember correctly. | ||
unidentified
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Well, that was their website. | |
It says they're not showing anything until spring. | ||
Oh. | ||
CNET, everything we know, but they could show fake iPhones. | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
That's pretty slick, though. | ||
If that comes out looking like that, I'm in. | ||
That's a cool car. | ||
I have a 72. Have you ever seen mine? | ||
I'll show you. | ||
I'm your friend. | ||
Show me. | ||
Yeah, I love those old Broncos, though. | ||
There's something about them. | ||
It's like a time machine. | ||
Yeah, they're cool. | ||
It's like a very Americana. | ||
Next time we're at the store, you come sit in my Civic. | ||
I've got leather seats. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Animals died for your seats? | ||
That's kind of fucked up. | ||
What kind of monster are you? | ||
Just a regular American. | ||
Oh yeah? | ||
Is your headliner made out of mink dicks? | ||
I don't have a headliner. | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
Oh, it's definitely felt. | ||
It's not fully leather. | ||
I'm not driving a cow. | ||
It's like some sort of felt. | ||
It's in pristine condition. | ||
I believe you. | ||
It's already 3 o'clock, believe it or not. | ||
Isn't that crazy? | ||
We had a good fucking time. | ||
I love you. | ||
I love coming on the show. | ||
I love every opportunity I get to see you at the store. | ||
I love you, too. | ||
We're friends. | ||
I'm glad we're friends. | ||
Tell everybody about your special. | ||
It's called Unveiled, and it's currently streaming on Netflix. | ||
For the last, like, two weeks? | ||
Yeah, it should be on your homepage. | ||
If not, feel free to look for it. | ||
It's pretty fucking metal. | ||
There's blood. | ||
There's fire. | ||
And it's the only special out there like it. | ||
Eliza Schlesinger, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
Holla at your boy. | ||
Bye, everybody. |