Nov. 14, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:46:33
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Well, that one never got repeated in podcast history. | ||
| Well, we fucked that up. | ||
| We thought we were recording. | ||
| We were saying how Bert is the only person we know who's both funny and a great promoter. | ||
| Like, usually you get one or the other. | ||
| You get someone who's really funny, but we were talking about Bert's... | ||
| We thought all this was being recorded. | ||
| Oh, it would have been so much better if they got that natural thing. | ||
| The audio is being recorded all the time. | ||
| Just that video. | ||
| So I can leave that in the mp3. | ||
| Everybody can download that beginning. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Give us one of those cartoonists to make the video. | ||
| Well, for everybody, the audio, we're going to stop now. | ||
| We're going to double repeat ourselves. | ||
| So a bunch of people. | ||
| Bert used to have a show called Hurt Bert. | ||
| And that one disturbed me the most. | ||
| I don't remember this one at all. | ||
| Bert, he would do a bunch of stupid shit and get injured. | ||
| But he's really getting hurt. | ||
| He's doing jujitsu with some kid. | ||
| And some red belt kid who's with Hori and Gracie. | ||
| When he was that young, he really reminds me of that frat guy that he was. | ||
| I can't really see it now, but this is him like four years removed from that. | ||
| This guy keeps armbarring him. | ||
| He doesn't know what to do here. | ||
| Kid is 108 pounds. | ||
| I think part of it, he's also going along with it, enjoying... | ||
| He's got to take the offensive. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This kid will never see it. | ||
| He's played duck twice, or possum twice. | ||
| How about that video that I showed you that Bridget Phetasy showed me? | ||
| It's a video of this guy who's on a school bus... | ||
| It starts with a bus driver throwing a little kid off the school bus, screaming at him, and then a bunch of people are like, what the fuck are you doing, man? | ||
|
unidentified
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You can't do that. | |
| They chase him back onto the bus. | ||
| The bus driver gets back on the bus, and then they check the little kid. | ||
| Does not feel remorseful. | ||
| Are you okay? | ||
| And they realize this little kid with a lunchbox and everything is actually a grown midget. | ||
| And he's pretending that he's a little kid hanging out with these little kids. | ||
| And the bus driver found it. | ||
| Dude, the look in everybody's face. | ||
| When they say, wait, he's not a kid? | ||
| And they're all like, oh, I was mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now I'm confused. | |
| So he's got the lunchbox. | ||
| He throws out his lunchbox and he grabs him. | ||
| He throws him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Because he's got a little kid's backpack. | ||
| People are ready to beat his ass. | ||
| Beat the bus driver's ass. | ||
| They saw him chuck off a little kid. | ||
| That's a five-year-old's body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| People ready to fuck him up. | ||
| Should call the cops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they get to him to see, hey, are you okay? | ||
| Now watch this. | ||
| I'm not a kid. | ||
| That's a grown-ass man. | ||
| So that dude was pretending to be... | ||
| Now everybody's confused. | ||
| Look how confused they all are. | ||
| Like, I was mad before. | ||
| I don't know what to think now. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They look like they just saw David Blaine. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Why did we bring that up? | ||
| Why were we talking about that? | ||
| That's a great question. | ||
| That has nothing to do with Burt, though. | ||
| Something to do with Burt, but I don't know what that was. | ||
| What does it have to do with Bert? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| The kid was beating up Bert in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Welcome to November! | ||
| Yeah, this is not sober November. | ||
| November, November. | ||
| I definitely don't remember what the fuck we were talking about. | ||
| Dude, you're on an iPhone now. | ||
| Tell me what that's been like. | ||
| Okay, it's been pretty interesting. | ||
| So I've set myself in October to see if I can fucking do it again. | ||
| You told me about that app that's on the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Limits your screen time. | ||
| Limits your screen time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have that for your kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was looking for like five, six years ago. | ||
| There was nothing. | ||
| It would just give you alarms. | ||
| And you could snooze it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not good enough. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's sort of like, remember when we had to do those 15 yoga classes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| You had to do it. | ||
| So because you had to do it, you just fucking knew you were going to do it. | ||
| The wishy-washiness was gone. | ||
| Of what? | ||
| The wishy-washiness. | ||
| I don't have to do this. | ||
| I could back off. | ||
| I'm kind of tired anyway. | ||
| Let me take the day off. | ||
| All that shit was gone. | ||
| You couldn't do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's sort of the same thing with that app. | ||
| Because you could always say, I'm not going to use my phone much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| Dude, I'm an observer of the other people on their phones. | ||
| Everyone who says that is on all the time. | ||
| Yeah, it's so easy to be on. | ||
| With me, I found myself just reading Google News stories for no reason. | ||
| And a lot of them aren't even interesting. | ||
| It's like, oh, this car sold for this much money. | ||
| And you're just wasting time. | ||
| Wasting time. | ||
| Time you're going to be bored. | ||
| I'm lying to myself because I'm always thinking that I'm going to, oh, but there's material in this. | ||
| I'm going to find a story that's really funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But those kind of you find out anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| People, they force... | ||
| Really good ones, like that guy getting thrown off the bus. | ||
| That one's going to get to you. | ||
| The way that the horse thing would have got to you years before the internet. | ||
| Yes, the horse one got to us. | ||
| Well, the internet was around, but it was years before social media. | ||
| What was your joke? | ||
| I win. | ||
| You've done that on special, right? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That was never in a special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Comedy Central said it was too rough. | ||
| It's pretty rough, but I wouldn't say too. | ||
| Maybe I can revive it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I should probably revive it. | ||
| The early days of the internet were like this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it was a true story too. | ||
| I did have a friend of mine that I go back and forth with. | ||
| He was one of those dudes that just knows everything that's fucked up. | ||
| He can find all the videos. | ||
| The Bud Dwyer video. | ||
| He was one of those guys. | ||
| And he would send me this video. | ||
| It's like, batter's up. | ||
| And I would like, batter up? | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| I open up the email and it's that porn star with a baseball bat up her ass. | ||
| Belladonna? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was her. | ||
| And I was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And then, you know, we would go back and forth. | ||
| I would send him something fucked up, he would send me something fucked up. | ||
| The baseball bat was surprising. | ||
| Battered nowhere, batter up! | ||
| I was like, what is this? | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, how? | ||
| How? | ||
| That poor girl's asshole must be a wreck. | ||
| Dude, interesting fact about Belladonna, that first storytelling show we ever did at the Improv, 12 people were there, and she was one of them. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| She used to go to the comedy store. | ||
| Yeah, she was cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was crazy. | ||
| They offered me some gaping porn. | ||
| They had some DVDs they were giving them away. | ||
| I'm like, I'm good, man, thanks. | ||
| The guy's like, why didn't you take it? | ||
| I was like, hey, man, it's not a disrespectful thing. | ||
| It's not my thing. | ||
| I'm not into your art. | ||
| Also, I'm afraid I'm going to go down this line of her husband. | ||
| Gaping porn is the weirdest shit ever because people want to look inside people's bodies. | ||
| You want to look in the hole. | ||
| They want the hole to be gaping. | ||
| That's a style of porn. | ||
| Gaping. | ||
| And why the drip-out? | ||
| You ever see the drip-out at the end? | ||
| Why is this still recording? | ||
| And they shake the close-up. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about. | ||
| They close up vagina and wait for the jizz to come out. | ||
| I agree with that face. | ||
| It's not for me. | ||
| I don't know why it's still on the video. | ||
| Some people like it. | ||
| People like weird shit, right? | ||
| People like feet. | ||
| They like everything. | ||
| Someone likes everything. | ||
| What's really weird is that some things that some people would hate, other people love. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With food, too, and movies and shit like that. | ||
| Like an intelligent, well-respected woman, I won't break up her name, was on stage talking about how she likes taking loads in the face. | ||
| Now, she might have been saying this as a joke, but it might have been true. | ||
| Some people just like... | ||
| Love it. | ||
| Some girls like that, right? | ||
| That's why it's... | ||
| Or is it guys like it, and that's why it's a thing? | ||
| Or girls pretend they like it, so the guys do it. | ||
| But some girls would be like, fuck that, get that away from me. | ||
| Other people would love it. | ||
| That's what's weird about humans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| There's so many people that are into such weird shit. | ||
| I spit on a vagina once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew. | |
| Well, it's whatever. | ||
| And the girl, she didn't like it. | ||
| She was like, did you spit on my vagina? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes with that accent, it's even worse. | ||
| She goes, well, I didn't like that. | ||
| I'm like, all right, well, that won't do it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| And she goes, all right. | ||
| But a guy would get mad if a girl spit on his dick? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| No, they might be like, they just shift away. | ||
| Maybe if you were having a really hard time staying hard anyway, because she's intimidating you, and you're barely hanging in there, and then she spits on your dick, you're like, hey, what the hell? | ||
| You might lose your boner. | ||
| What if it's like real... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A full gagger right away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're kissing and then... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| ...is the next step and you're like... | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Slow down. | ||
| Slow the fuck down. | ||
| Was this type of porn inevitable? | ||
| Or like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like a question. | ||
| If Larry Flitt never did the Hustler stuff and never went through all the court cases would... | ||
| It's a human thing, man. | ||
| It would have happened in a hundred years. | ||
| Yeah, those Larry Flint guys are important. | ||
| They help move the needle, for sure. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| I mean, that guy took a bullet for the freedom of expression. | ||
| Whether you like porn or not, we've all jerked off to it. | ||
| And if you say you didn't, you're a hypocrite. | ||
| I mean, no way. | ||
| Just a liar. | ||
| Not listening. | ||
| Where he, like, crossed the line that existed. | ||
| Yes, he certainly did. | ||
| But my point is, I think that there was a... | ||
| They had already done Deep Throat before Hustler, right? | ||
| It wasn't Deep Throat... | ||
| When was Deep Throat? | ||
| Deep Throat was a porn film that people went to see, like a regular film. | ||
| It was like a movie. | ||
| Same time, wasn't it also a nickname, like a code name for someone? | ||
| Yes, but that's post. | ||
| That's during Watergate. | ||
| That was one of the insiders in Watergate, and their nickname was Deep Throat, but that was because the movie had already been out. | ||
| They named one of the Nixon Watergate people after a porno? | ||
| Deep Throat was the person who was... | ||
| Were they just having fun? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
| The fucking... | ||
| Look, man, those CIA people or whoever the fuck was involved with all that stuff, FBI, a lot of them are bros. | ||
| Yeah, do you think one guy's like, I caught a drug dealer. | ||
| They're like intelligent bros. | ||
| And the next guy's like, oh, really? | ||
| Because I went to someone who's running for president and I broke into that fucking office, dude! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, yeah. | |
| They're like, what? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure there's something in that. | ||
| Some of that. | ||
| There's a lot of, I mean, they're like cops or like military people. | ||
| You know, they're like, a lot of them are just men, guys, guys, men. | ||
| They probably watch porn. | ||
| They probably know who Deep Throat is. | ||
| You know, if you're working for like one of the biggest police, I mean, it's essentially a police organization. | ||
| None of them majored in English with a focus on Shakespeare. | ||
| It's FBI's law enforcement, right? | ||
| I mean, that's what it is. | ||
| It's jocks. | ||
| Yeah, they're bros. | ||
| A lot of them are bros. | ||
| Of course they're going to brag. | ||
| Not disrespecting at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Deep throat. | |
| But that's why they would call it deep throat. | ||
| Nice nickname, bro. | ||
| If it's a group of women that are, you know, from University of Massachusetts Amherst. | ||
| Yeah, they'll call it fucking yarning. | ||
| They're definitely not going to call it deep throat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That would be contributing to the patriarchy. | ||
| Manic Panic. | ||
| But that movie was in 72, so when did Hustler start? | ||
| Hustler was around 75, 76. Are you a aficionado? | ||
| Do you want to grow a little of this? | ||
| The first one that I had in my collection was... | ||
| Kevin Smith, do you remember? | ||
| Larry Flint started it in Columbus, that first headquarters were in Ohio. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I had to go to the Hustler office once to review porn. | ||
| There was an article that they were doing where you review porn. | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| It was like the weirdest thing. | ||
| I forget is like early in the days of the internet, right? | ||
| Like more than 20 plus years ago. | ||
| I mean like trying to figure anything out. | ||
| Yeah, they were just trying to figure things out and try things out. | ||
| So you watched the porno over there? | ||
| I don't remember what it was. | ||
| I think I was reviewing magazines. | ||
| I was reviewing porn magazines. | ||
| I think that was what it was. | ||
| Or maybe they showed me a little of the porn or they showed me the magazine. | ||
| I don't remember what it was. | ||
| Same time. | ||
| Hustler started the same year Nixon ended in 74. The first deep throat was 72. Yeah, so that's exactly where it came from. | ||
| Didn't you and Stanhope and Stanhope's mom review boobs or something? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Stanhope's mom reviewed porn on The Man Show. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it was. | ||
| Stanhope's mom would watch porn and give these fucking hilarious reviews of it. | ||
| It was one of the best things we did. | ||
| His mom was really funny, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She's like Hinchcliffe's mom. | ||
| You seen Hinchcliffe's mom do stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| Dude. | ||
| She did stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Hinchcliffe's mom did stand-up. | ||
| He wrote the bits for her and she did them. | ||
| She had cue cards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She did it. | |
| It killed Tony. | ||
| Packed main room and fucking murdered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I'm telling you, dude, she killed. | ||
| She got me with a zinger. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| It was all shit that Tony wrote. | ||
| It was funny shit, man. | ||
| And she did it with authority. | ||
| She hit the punchlines. | ||
| He coached her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| She had never done anything like that before. | ||
| And here she murdered at her son's show. | ||
| And he brings her up as his mom. | ||
| There it is right now. | ||
| There's his mom. | ||
| Okay, that's... | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| She's amazing. | ||
| I'm telling you, dude, she fucking murdered it. | ||
| She's taller than him. | ||
| Dude, she... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| How dare you? | ||
| She was really good, man. | ||
| Wow, that's cool. | ||
| I wouldn't play any of it because it's their stuff, but people can see it. | ||
| What's the video? | ||
| Kill Tony, five-year anniversary, episode 273. So it was Dom Irera who's the best at those things. | ||
| He's so quick. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| No one's better than Dom at those roast shows, talking shit, or something like Kill Tony where a guy does one minute of terrible comedy and he gets to chime in. | ||
| He's just the master at dissecting people, ironically. | ||
| Have you ever seen him do his open mic character? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Arrow? | ||
| Is it Arrow? | ||
| Razor? | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's something like that. | ||
| Oh, he does it so good. | ||
| He's so nervous. | ||
| If you interrupt him, he has to back up and start from the scratch, from the beginning, like over and over again. | ||
| He's so good on Kill Tony. | ||
| He should be a regular. | ||
| He really should. | ||
| He should be on every episode. | ||
| He should be on every episode and then whoever the guest is on top of it. | ||
| He's just so good. | ||
| He's just so good at talking shit to people when they do terrible things and do it in a way where you can't even be mad at them. | ||
| What were you going to say? | ||
| Were you watching last night's new episode of Kill Tony? | ||
| No, I didn't see it. | ||
| Why? | ||
| You'll have to watch it when it comes out. | ||
| Ari was on yesterday. | ||
| Oh, was it good? | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| He's got a standing ovation, I think. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| That's what I do. | ||
| I get standing O's. | ||
| Wow, dude. | ||
| You're an animal. | ||
| I just came out naked. | ||
| Oh, you came out naked. | ||
| Just popped out from behind. | ||
| How does that work for YouTube? | ||
| Do they have to blur out your cock and balls? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's something they should deal with. | ||
| I'm just there for the live show. | ||
| It should be. | ||
| They should have a little blurry thing that can bounce around your cock. | ||
| Why doesn't YouTube put that in the tools? | ||
| Honestly, a setting at this point on the YouTube. | ||
| If you see a cock, blur it out. | ||
| Did you see the new release that said something and maybe this is people freaking out for no reason. | ||
| Maybe it's not. | ||
| I skipped over it. | ||
| People are freaking out about some new terms that they have where they can get rid of any channel that they don't think is commercially viable. | ||
| Is that the quote? | ||
| They did update their terms of service, but I haven't looked into this. | ||
| I'm just going off of what I think. | ||
| I don't know that that's new in the terms. | ||
| I think that they might have always been able to do that. | ||
| Facebook can delete your thing. | ||
| I think Twitter can delete your account. | ||
| I think that's kind of in all of them. | ||
| So they always have the ability to tell you to fuck off. | ||
| You can't delete your own account? | ||
| But they can delete yours. | ||
| I mean, come on, dude. | ||
| They run the fucking world at this point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They run the world. | |
| Well, Facebook... | ||
| They're bigger than the government. | ||
| Facebook's giant. | ||
| Yeah, they're multinational. | ||
| They'll go anywhere. | ||
| They're bigger than the government. | ||
| They're giant. | ||
| You know what freaked me out? | ||
| I saw Zuckerberg on TV in China. | ||
| I think he was speaking Mandarin. | ||
| I was so impressed. | ||
| I was like, look at this fucking guy. | ||
| How smart is he? | ||
| Yeah, he went to the same school AOC went to. | ||
| I mean, that's beside the point. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| What's he doing there? | ||
| A lot of people went to that school. | ||
| They can't do it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Speaking Mandarin, that's hard. | ||
| If you're learning that as an adult, holy shit. | ||
| And he does it on a talk show and people are laughing. | ||
| It's really funny, man. | ||
| So he's on this show and the guy's speaking to him. | ||
| I think it's Mandarin. | ||
| What? | ||
| And he understands it? | ||
| Not only does he understand it, he tells a story to the crowd and they're laughing. | ||
| So he told a joke. | ||
| He told a joke in Chinese. | ||
| Did he know it already? | ||
| He knew how to talk in Chinese. | ||
| From college? | ||
| He learned. | ||
| No, I think his wife is Chinese. | ||
| So he learned either with her or because of her. | ||
| She was Asian in that movie. | ||
| So I think he's just one of those dudes. | ||
| He's just a little too smart for his own good. | ||
| He's running Facebook. | ||
| They're trying to fucking addict you every chance they get. | ||
| Of course they are. | ||
| They definitely are. | ||
| But it's just the influence that one person can have when you're a kid who starts up a social network. | ||
| You think you're just going to connect people that want to say hi to their friends from school. | ||
| Yeah, you start making some cash. | ||
| And the next thing you know... | ||
| People are using it to shift democracies. | ||
| And then people are putting filters in there to try to control the content. | ||
| And then people are biased against certain political ideologies and more submissive or more permissive of others. | ||
| And then it becomes really weird. | ||
| Like, wait, is this a free speech zone? | ||
| Like, what is this? | ||
| Is this like you decide? | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| Who are these people that get to decide? | ||
| Are they deciding only for money? | ||
| Like, how did you engineer this? | ||
| Wait a minute, you didn't engineer it specifically to create conflict, but it's more monetarily beneficial for you to create conflict, and your algorithm is sort of conflict, it sort of gravitates towards conflict, right? | ||
| Like, if you engage with things, a lot of people, like, say if it's... | ||
| If it's a topic that is a very hot... | ||
| Gets people mad. | ||
| Abortion. | ||
| If you engage with abortion threads, your feed will be filled with those things. | ||
| Oh yeah, it'll occupy them for sure. | ||
| Keep coming back. | ||
| Yeah, it's stuff that you engage with. | ||
| But here's my question. | ||
| If you're a person that instead engages with only positive stuff, would that make your... | ||
| I mean, is it just what you're engaging in? | ||
| Is that what the algorithm is? | ||
| No, I have the answer. | ||
| So I did this as a test to myself, whatever, on YouTube to see how much YouTube was influencing me. | ||
| You know, with that algorithm. | ||
| You look at fucking one video. | ||
| Go down a hole, son. | ||
| Yeah, you go down a hole. | ||
| Tim Pool kept coming up for fucking, you know, five months after that podcast you did. | ||
| And then it was like, so I was like, from now on, for a month, I'm only clicking on puppy videos. | ||
| I'm searching puppy videos. | ||
| When I see one, like, of yours or of somebody's that I want to see, or music, something that pops up before, I'm like, nope, not touching it. | ||
| Only searching and clicking on YouTube videos that have puppies. | ||
| Sometimes they gave me dogs. | ||
| But it was just more and more of that shit. | ||
| Soldiers coming home when their dog's greeting them. | ||
| And then eventually they just started hitting me with only fucking puppy videos. | ||
| So the algorithm just recognizes what you're interested in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you can't blame people then. | ||
| No, but sometimes it makes you think this way. | ||
| It makes you get mad about something. | ||
| You ever talk to someone who's like woke about something and you want to be like... | ||
| I don't really believe you. | ||
| I don't believe you're this mad about this thing. | ||
| Like, somebody made you this mad. | ||
| It doesn't quite make sense, you know? | ||
| And so then it's like, I think they've been influenced to think a certain way by these dumb algorithms. | ||
| It's kind of fun to be upset about things too. | ||
| One of the things about being into anything, left-wing or right-wing stuff, is when you get into it, it's fun. | ||
| Other people are into it, it's fun, too. | ||
| When you've got action, shit's happening, you're yelling at each other. | ||
| You're going to that fucking Facebook every day. | ||
| What the fuck do these assholes have to say about the First Amendment today? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You want to get worked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you proved, at least on YouTube, that if you just gravitate towards positive things, like most of my YouTube feed is like MMA fights and pool matches. | ||
| I watch a lot of pool, pro pool, and muscle cars. | ||
| My YouTube feed is pretty much what I look for. | ||
| I don't look for a lot of shit. | ||
| I look to YouTube for fun only. | ||
| I'm not trying to learn anything. | ||
| Does it still hit you with shit that you're like, oh, what is this about? | ||
| Yeah, occasionally. | ||
| They sneak some gossipy stuff in there, some celebrity stuff in there. | ||
| Weird ones get in that don't seem to make sense. | ||
| I don't understand why. | ||
| But I don't use Facebook. | ||
| That's the most evil one. | ||
| I use it in the sense that it's connected to my Instagram, but I don't actually use it. | ||
| I don't get in there. | ||
| I don't read it. | ||
| There's a little controversy this week that Instagram's going to take the likes away from viewing. | ||
| Yeah, I heard about that. | ||
| It's going to take the likes away from public viewing. | ||
| You can't see how many likes you got for a post anymore. | ||
| Can you see how many views? | ||
| You can see it all, but I can't see how many likes you got. | ||
| So if you put up a picture and your picture got 40,000 likes, I can never see that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So they can still make their money off it, but everyone else won't get into a contest. | ||
| Speculation is that it's going to drive advertising dollars into giving money directly to Instagram instead of people being able to advertise on their own. | ||
| Oh, those fucks! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those fucks. | |
| I don't know if that's really what it is. | ||
| But if you were an Instagram, right, and you had people making shit tons of money off your platform just by posting things, hey, this is my new butt cream or whatever the fuck you're selling, and they don't even get a piece of that, they gotta be like, hey, what are we doing? | ||
| We're spending a million dollars a month in fucking bandwidth, probably way more than that, actually. | ||
| And way more than that. | ||
| They have videos and shit, too. | ||
| You could upload videos. | ||
| It's gotta be millions in bandwidth for every month. | ||
| And they're not getting none of that? | ||
| I get it. | ||
| People go there and they get to mine them. | ||
| They still get other ads. | ||
| They still monetize them. | ||
| But you'll be able to show. | ||
| If you have a screenshot of your phone. | ||
| You can do that. | ||
| I also think that it's going to de-incentivize people to like photos. | ||
| Exactly, because you don't see you making a difference. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Who's made more money than those butt doctors because of Instagram? | ||
| If you look at the percentage of uptick in revenue, butt doctors. | ||
| Guys who just specialize in butt jobs. | ||
| Instagram made them, they put them on the map. | ||
| This dude's out there with butt doctor houses. | ||
| They were going broke. | ||
| They were having to do pot prescriptions. | ||
| And now suddenly they're in the money in butts. | ||
| Those guys are the best. | ||
| Those guys are the best. | ||
| Dude, do you know there's a theory that I think is true that women are just hotter these days because they're always on the verge of being on Instagram. | ||
| So even to go to the supermarket, they're putting makeup on, they're putting nice clothes on, they're always looking their best because they run into a friend. | ||
| They might get uploaded. | ||
| This is a tough time to be frumpy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, if you're a gal, there's a lot of competition out there, and a lot of these hoes go for it, okay? | ||
| They go for it. | ||
| They're pulling their panties aside at 38% of their pictures, you know? | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of strong competition out there now. | ||
| They're changing the bar. | ||
| And this is, by the way, for sure, one of the reasons why prostitution is illegal. | ||
| Why? | ||
| One of the reasons why prostitution is illegal, it would completely flip relationships on its head. | ||
| If guys didn't need to have a relationship to have sex, just sex, and relationships were only love, but you can go, no, get sex from a woman for money, just like you get a handjob, or just like you can get a massage, rather, you can get a handjob. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How can they massage your head if they can't massage your dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, if they could... | ||
| People would change what they want out of a relationship. | ||
| It would be different. | ||
| I'm not saying that all women are like this, but any woman that is sexually manipulative, she withholds sex from her man if he doesn't do certain things. | ||
| That goes away. | ||
| My friends in Bangkok, where I met people in Bangkok, they don't play those... | ||
| The regular women here, the non-working women... | ||
| They don't play that game. | ||
| Because they know, dude, I can just walk down the street, like a bodega in New York, they're everywhere, and just find a woman. | ||
| So this like, I'll make him wait, it's like, shut up with that. | ||
| You're interested, just go for it. | ||
| The problem is shame for the girl. | ||
| That's the fucking problem. | ||
| If there was no shame for the girl, if no one really cared if she hooked up with you on a one night stand, it turns out she fucked your cousin a month ago, no one cared. | ||
| That's almost gone. | ||
| It's almost gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It is almost gone, right? | ||
| It's changing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, conversations. | ||
| People didn't talk about this shit when we were kids. | ||
| You had to figure it out on your own. | ||
| It's so casual now. | ||
| Dude, nobody taught you about jerking off. | ||
| Nobody taught you about drinking. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nobody taught you what to do in a relationship. | ||
| Those are the three most confusing fucking things that happened to you. | ||
| Yeah, gassing. | ||
| Can I make a PSA real quick for all the children who are going to start drinking? | ||
| Your parents are never going to teach you about alcohol use. | ||
| There's a thing called coasting. | ||
| When you have a few drinks, you can switch to water if you're feeling drunk. | ||
| You're going to throw up if you keep drinking like a child, but you're a child, right? | ||
| So you don't get how to do it yet. | ||
| You've got to coast. | ||
| One water, one beer. | ||
| One water, one beer. | ||
| And then you'll have a great time. | ||
| Don't have too many. | ||
| If you're going to drink, and I don't advise anyone under 21 to drink because that's illegal, but if I was going to advise them, I would say have two drinks. | ||
| Don't have more than two. | ||
| Two will fuck you up, man. | ||
| Don't be that guy. | ||
| You're for sure going to get drunk, but just limit it to drunk. | ||
| If you're 16 years old, two shots of Jack Daniels will put you in a fucking goofy mood. | ||
| I would say wherever you're at, if you're feeling good, just stop for a while. | ||
| Stop for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hard, though. | |
| You're good right there. | ||
| You still got more going down, too. | ||
| Well, the problem is you lose your inhibitions, right? | ||
| They go out the window. | ||
| And then you're having fun. | ||
| You want to have more fun. | ||
| You'll have more fun if you switch up Coca-Cola. | ||
| Shots, shots, shots, shots. | ||
| All right! | ||
| Yeah, next thing you know, you got Bert on the table. | ||
| He's got his butt crack. | ||
| You're underneath it. | ||
| He's pouring asshole shots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the shots! | |
| Because you can have two or three of those in four minutes. | ||
| And get blasted instantaneously. | ||
| And suddenly you're like, what happened? | ||
| You're mainlining alcohol. | ||
| Right to the old hatch. | ||
| One shot, you feel it. | ||
| Like, instantly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, woo! | |
| You're ready to throw up. | ||
| You still got two more shots that haven't hit you yet. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| That's what's up. | ||
| You know what else is up? | ||
| Ari Shaffir's going to be with me at the improv tonight at 10.30. | ||
| Sold out show, fuckers. | ||
| That'll be great. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's going to be a good time. | ||
| I hope those shows are good. | ||
| Diaz is on the first show. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Fun times. | ||
| Can I ask my special? | ||
| Fuck, yeah. | ||
| I'm finally doing my special. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And which theater did you choose? | ||
| The Skirball Center in New York. | ||
| We talked a lot about it. | ||
| Yes, I'm so glad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because tell everybody the whole, you went on a little journey there, trying to figure out where to go. | ||
| Yeah, trying to find a venue. | ||
| It's a lot about Judaism, my upbringing, you know? | ||
| Fucking do that, comedy club funny, be done with that shit, you know? | ||
| So that's what I've been working on for a while. | ||
| Yeah, it's been a couple of years, right? | ||
| It's been the longest one, two and a half years. | ||
| But it's also the first one that you did like a theme. | ||
| And it's essentially, so what you did was like, there's a lot of guys who do that. | ||
| I've never been to Edinburgh. | ||
| But that festival is like, that's how it is, right? | ||
| And it's like a lot of people who do themes. | ||
| So you decided to do a theme, but to do this theme with American style stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly it, dude. | ||
| Yes, that's exactly it. | ||
| I went with my storytelling show one year, and then my plan was to go show them what a fucking American Hour was, which is my last special. | ||
| Just like, hey, here's your stand-up, you fucking fools. | ||
| Trying to do some fucking higher thing where you're tying it all together, but they're not funny. | ||
| They do like 20 minutes of unfunny. | ||
| And so I was like, everybody here, I'm giving you an American hour. | ||
| And it was just that. | ||
| And then the next year the plan was, and it became two years later, was like, now I'll do one of your stupid fucking theme hours, but I'm not going to do it where I'm just fucking serious for 20 minutes. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Is that what they do? | ||
| They really do, and I don't get it. | ||
| I don't get why you have to... | ||
| I get the theme. | ||
| I don't get why you have to stop being funny. | ||
| It's all theater shit. | ||
| Did you see Hannah Gadsby? | ||
| I didn't see her live. | ||
| She was there the year I was off. | ||
| Nanette? | ||
| Nanette. | ||
| I thought that was her name. | ||
| I thought her name was Nanette. | ||
| The show was called Dan and Gatsby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucked it up. | |
| You didn't see it? | ||
| I didn't see it live. | ||
| The people I know who saw it live was in the room. | ||
| They were like, damn. | ||
| It was pretty powerful. | ||
| Because that shit goes at Edinburgh. | ||
| People see four or five shows a day for five days in a row. | ||
| But her thing, a lot of it is not funny. | ||
| Some of it's funny, but a lot of it's not funny. | ||
| Intentionally not funny. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But these guys in England, the Edinburgh guys. | ||
| Of the not funny part, that was like legit powerful stuff. | ||
| Where you're like, fuck, you're caught up in the emotion. | ||
| But a lot of them is just forcing in, and I've seen people doing my storytellers, like forcing in some lesson or something. | ||
| It's like, dude, it's not there. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| You can just have a fun story. | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
| Forcing in lessons is gross. | ||
| I always like The Moth, which I like The Moth. | ||
| What's The Moth? | ||
| The Moth is a storytelling series. | ||
| Mikey D did one on there about getting AIDS. Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And about his aunt or something. | ||
| But usually it was like, comics did it, it was just funny, and then when normals did it, they were like... | ||
| They would have something. | ||
| They'd be like, that's not just the day I lost my watch. | ||
| That's the day I lost my innocence. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| So they just got overdramatic? | ||
| Yeah, and that's what they do in Edinburgh a lot. | ||
| Some of them are really good, but that theme thing was that. | ||
| And I was like, I want to do that better. | ||
| When you say American-style stand-up, I almost wish I wasn't an American stand-up so I could fucking wholeheartedly agree with you. | ||
| I mean, it's not. | ||
| We're just 15 years ahead. | ||
| But I wish I wasn't an actual American stand-up so I could have a non-opinionated point in this. | ||
| Because when I hear people say, like, America's not where the best stand-ups are, I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck you! | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| They're doing great. | ||
| They started behind us. | ||
| I'm sure a lot of you are out there in New Zealand and Florida and other countries. | ||
| Florida's not America. | ||
| What? | ||
| Australia, anywhere you're at. | ||
| There's good standards there. | ||
| Some of you are a genius, and some of you are amongst the best in the world. | ||
| It doesn't disqualify you from being amongst the best in the world. | ||
| But if you want to say that there's not a greater number of hilarious fucks, female and male, in America, a way disproportionate number, you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're out of your mind. | |
| The greatest ones are here. | ||
| You're out of your mind. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| There's no race. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doesn't mean you're not awesome. | ||
| It's a non-starter. | ||
| Yeah, right, exactly. | ||
| There's a lot of great comics in other places. | ||
| But overall, they're just like behind us. | ||
| Take us completely out of the equation. | ||
| Take our friends out of the equation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This place is filled with assassins. | ||
| It's filled with assassins. | ||
| This is the Wild West. | ||
| This whole country is built on fucking rebels. | ||
| Well, especially now with the internet, I mean, you can become a legit national act with no one's help like Andrew, like Schultz is doing. | ||
| Dude, he is doing everything through YouTube. | ||
| He's selling out theaters. | ||
| He's murdering it. | ||
| You don't need anybody anymore. | ||
| These fucking killers like him, all these assassins. | ||
| He's turned a corner, too. | ||
| People talk about it. | ||
| Not about draw, but just about... | ||
| It was material. | ||
| On stage, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's working at it. | ||
| He's a funny fuck, man. | ||
| He's a smart dude. | ||
| But the thing is, these guys, they're blossoming now. | ||
| There's a bunch of them, man. | ||
| They're all over the place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a bunch of fucking assassins. | ||
| It's a great time to be a comic. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| And people get so worked up, too, which is also fun. | ||
| It's just a fun time overall. | ||
| People definitely get more mad than they ever have before, but they also get happier that you're willing to push the envelope, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Because it's a little bit of danger again. | ||
| We talked about this. | ||
| It's fucking dangerous again. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Yeah, you said that to me on the phone once. | ||
| I'll never forget that. | ||
| I was driving home. | ||
| You're like, I love it. | ||
| Comedy's dangerous again. | ||
| You might get written off! | ||
| If you say the wrong thing, like, I think I can go a little darker. | ||
| And they're like, nope, you're done! | ||
| Like, whoa! | ||
| Here's the thing, though. | ||
| We'll never be written off to each other. | ||
| Oh, exactly. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| But that's the reason why we can kind of... | ||
| We have freedom that maybe people in... | ||
| For sure, TV shows don't have. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They don't have any freedom. | ||
| They don't have any freedom. | ||
| Well, none. | ||
| But also, right... | ||
| They can take away a level of money we can make. | ||
| But like, they can't take away the ability to do stand-up. | ||
| No. | ||
| Unless every club says we won't book you. | ||
| Or even the workout clubs don't have you. | ||
| You can just still do stand-up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is like the main thing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you just have a few clubs that'll be like, yeah, we're never gonna fucking get rid of him for anything he says. | ||
| But yeah, and also, fans, like, if you did something, I mean, it would have to be some horrible shit. | ||
| It would have to be real life shit. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have to murder somebody or something. | ||
| Do you think OJ could do stand-up? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Oh my god, how do we make that happen? | ||
| We could get Tony to write for him. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| He's naturally charismatic. | ||
| I think he's friends with Norm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think Norm McDonald, maybe, I shouldn't say friends, like Norm knows him. | ||
| And I think Norm has actually talked to him about doing his podcast. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you know how epic that would be? | ||
| That would be crazy. | ||
| I want to show you something that Stan wrote a long time ago, now that we're talking about this. | ||
| If Norm had... | ||
| If Norm coached him? | ||
| O.J. Simpson on his podcast... | ||
| Hey, juice! | ||
| Norm has whatever the fuck the opposite of having a filter is. | ||
| It's not having no filter. | ||
| He's just got weird, crazy shit that's going to come out of his mouth. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Did you see the Sacha Baron Cohen with OJ? No, I did not. | ||
| Oh, you gotta watch it. | ||
| He interviews OJ. Yeah, I know, I know. | ||
| I didn't see it, though. | ||
| Oh, it's the best. | ||
| And he's just this Italian guy, and he's like, I mean, you gotta watch, but he's like, yeah, no, he has some assistant women, you know, I wish I could kill them, but I guess I cannot. | ||
| And the guy's like, OJ's like, all right, man, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Oh, he gets him. | ||
| Oh, he's just so convincing. | ||
| He's so ballsy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To be able to do that shit right in front of those people, they don't even know what's happening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they've signed up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Here, read this. | ||
| This is what I mean by, like, they can't ever take it all away from us. | ||
| Because you have clubs like this, The Stand. | ||
| This is one of my e-rages. | ||
| Everyone calling The Stand, posting hateful messages and emailing hate speech to us. | ||
| We never respond to such irresponsible protests. | ||
| Despite what you feel about Ari Shafir, we have the right to book or hire anyone, regardless of their views on religion, race, or politics. | ||
| Ari is a comedian and a performer just because you view his creations as something that is not humorous, but hate speech. | ||
| That is your opinion. | ||
| Harassing our establishment will not deter us from booking Ari to perform at the stand. | ||
| Please refrain from engaging our staff. | ||
| Furthermore, unorganized protest over a something that is out of our control is not only morally wrong but is viewed as a crime. | ||
| We will find out what special interest group this is and press charges if this continues. | ||
| That is all. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's our public post. | ||
| That's what everyone else is backing down. | ||
| It's like, well, it's a tough time right now. | ||
| You'll always have a few clubs like that. | ||
| They'll be like, get the fuck away. | ||
| We're not doing that. | ||
| So you'll always have a place to perform. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thank Odin. | ||
| Praise Zeus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| We need them. | ||
| We need people like the store. | ||
| We need places that... | ||
| You know, in some clubs, they don't recognize that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They used to... | |
| And Mitzi would do this. | ||
| They used to, like, write... | ||
| Like, full letters about Paul Mooney, complaining about him. | ||
| And we were like, what do you do? | ||
| And she was like, call Paul, read it to him, and then decide if he wants the letter or not. | ||
| Tell the people who complained that he's going to be severely punished. | ||
| That's what you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| We would call Paul, we'd just laugh about it. | ||
| He goes, read it again, read it again, I love this. | ||
| And we'd read it back, he goes, you want to go safe for my day, yeah. | ||
| And then we'd call the person, we'd be like, okay, he's been docked for two weeks, he won't be here. | ||
| Here's four free tickets to the Comedy Store. | ||
| And we're hoping that they'd be there when he was there again. | ||
| And of course he was never told not to show up. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But like, there were idiots back then too. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Always. | ||
| There's always people that complain. | ||
| But the club's never gonna bow down. | ||
| You know what I love looking at? | ||
| Yelp reviews. | ||
| When I find someone that's like a one star for a restaurant that I know is good. | ||
| I find one star. | ||
| And then I'll read the review and I'm like, let me check out this dude's profile. | ||
| It's full of hate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Full of hate. | |
| Oh my god, he hates everything. | ||
| Everything sucks. | ||
| Everything sucks. | ||
| Every waiter is rude. | ||
| Every fucking food is cold. | ||
| Yeah, it's more like the Off-White House. | ||
| Wash it. | ||
| Some people are just twats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just... | ||
| You know, did you see that New York Times review? | ||
| They gave the fucking Brooklyn Steakhouse that we love... | ||
| What the hell is it called? | ||
| Peter Luger's. | ||
| They gave Peter Luger's one star. | ||
| One star! | ||
| Remember? | ||
| We just went there. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| It was fucking amazing. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| It's a sizzling plate. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Those potatoes... | ||
| They gave it one star. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Three stars! | ||
| And you're like, wow, maybe something happened. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's smart. | ||
| Because look, if you're a provocateur slash journalist, and I know how much you love trolls, that's what that guy did. | ||
| He took one of the most delicious restaurants of all time, and he made a one-star rating. | ||
| It's either that or he's a moron. | ||
| So either he's really clever, or he's got to be a twat. | ||
| It shows up on top of Google when you search Peter Luger Review, too. | ||
| Used to sizzle, now it sputters. | ||
| One star. | ||
| I can count on Peter Lucas takeouts in Brooklyn to produce certain sensations, and then I don't know. | ||
| Well, it's a very, very popular restaurant, right? | ||
| There's a giant waiting list. | ||
| Last time we were there, we luckily weaseled in and had to grease some palms, but it's a fucking sweet spot. | ||
| Me and Diaz went. | ||
| When Diaz was in town, he was like, get a reservation. | ||
| They're like, you're out of your mind. | ||
| You can't get one. | ||
| And so we had my manager assistant call and say, we're part of Obama's staff. | ||
| We'll be there. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, they said we could do 315, and that's it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Part of Obama's staff. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| The food there is fucking amazing, man. | ||
| You can't do that for a one-star restaurant, you cunt. | ||
| That's not one star. | ||
| That's a troll. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| That's more than, he's not just, he's just Or he's one of those writers. | ||
| There's certain writers that are just trying to be assholes with everything they do. | ||
| They love being assholes. | ||
| They love accentuating the art form of being an asshole. | ||
| An art form of being an articulate asshole. | ||
| When you're an asshole with good, you know how to say the, you know, put the right words in the right order. | ||
| It just sounds juicy and pops and makes you seem terrible. | ||
| But when you're doing that over something like Peter Luger's, you lose all that one star means. | ||
| That's not what one star means. | ||
| What one star means is you go to the Olive Garden and the fucking guy who works behind the counter has heroin problems. | ||
| It's actually zero stars. | ||
| Zero? | ||
| I didn't even give it a one. | ||
| It was a zero star. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| There's no zero stars. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| One is the lowest. | ||
| Not today. | ||
| Come on, that's hilarious. | ||
| That's a Photoshop. | ||
| Is that really? | ||
| No, you can't do zero stars. | ||
| It's a Photoshop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a troll. | |
| See, it's more showing that this guy's trolling. | ||
| Look, we're talking about him. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| He's a smart guy. | ||
| He's made us uncover him, though, and we uncovered him. | ||
| Look, he's a smart guy. | ||
| I did get riled up. | ||
| If you want to make a fucking splash in the restaurant review business in 2019, that's what you do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can't go positive with shitty places. | ||
| That won't work. | ||
| Negative with great places. | ||
| Negative. | ||
| You know how you all love this? | ||
| Well, I hate it. | ||
| I shit in your mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, he was talking about the steak not being flavorful. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| If they dropped it on the floor and picked it up on the way, it's still a two-star. | ||
| He's bullshitting. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| He's bullshitting. | ||
| And we're all buying it. | ||
| Hook, line, and sinker. | ||
| We're like a bass right now, like this. | ||
| He absolutely got us. | ||
| He got us. | ||
| Hook in the jaw. | ||
| I'm fighting against the drag. | ||
| It's so much more fun to be angry at something. | ||
| Well, let me finish telling you my special. | ||
| Oh, your special. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, since it was this, whatever, this theme thing, I was like, we should do it in a synagogue. | ||
| There's this place that I was like, this works because it's like a performance space that was a synagogue, and then they didn't want me to do it because of my material. | ||
| And then we kept trying to find new synagogues that would let me do it. | ||
| The one that would be good for performance, and then also that would let me do it, and they were all like, no fucking way. | ||
| Some of them are like, do you have Holocaust jokes? | ||
| I'm like, yes! | ||
| And they're like, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My dad has survived, but I can see whatever the fuck I want. | |
| Or do I have to be one? | ||
| No, I think you can say whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| If I say it in front of him, anyway. | ||
| Your dad is a fucking Holocaust survivor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| This is a real thing, you know? | ||
| I mean, the Holocaust was a real thing. | ||
| It's not a deal with it as a people. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing. | ||
| It's like, that's one of the rare things where only Jews can talk about it in that way. | ||
| I mean, anybody can talk about anything, right? | ||
| But only Jews can talk about the Holocaust from a position of, hey, that was my family that was killed. | ||
| That was my dad who was in the fucking concentration camps. | ||
| Yeah, you can give some seriousness too. | ||
| But like, yeah, I'll do it the way I want to do it. | ||
| The only people that can say that, that that is my family. | ||
| Or the people that were... | ||
| Or Jews. | ||
| They're the only people. | ||
| So if anybody... | ||
| The Armenians got fully wiped out. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| There's plenty of them. | ||
| Go to Glendale. | ||
| Not only did the Armenians have a genocide, but there was a denial of their genocide. | ||
| Like a serious denial of their genocide. | ||
| More than the Jew ones. | ||
| Yeah, like open and recent. | ||
| Not that long ago, people were still denying the Armenian genocide. | ||
| Yeah, that's a very touchy one with them, man. | ||
| I didn't know about it until Manny Gamburian told me about it. | ||
| Yeah, they hate the Turks. | ||
| Well, they hate the people who massacred their ancestors. | ||
| They also just hate the Turks. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, at this point. | ||
| They're probably not delineating. | ||
| Isn't it weird that... | ||
| Ah, fuck all of you. | ||
| Is Turkey not Turkey to them? | ||
| Is that one of them countries? | ||
| Like, Japan is Nippon, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Like, we're like, nah, don't like it, Japan. | ||
| There's a few countries. | ||
| I think Greece is not Greece. | ||
| I don't believe they call it Greece. | ||
| Israel is Israel. | ||
| It's close enough. | ||
| That's close enough. | ||
| Greece is not Greece. | ||
| I don't believe Greece is Greece. | ||
| Mexico and Mexico are close. | ||
| Yeah, that's close enough. | ||
| Iceland's probably not Iceland. | ||
| They have a whole different language. | ||
| Maybe, right? | ||
| Yeah, what is Iceland? | ||
| But what is Greece in their language? | ||
| What's the word? | ||
| I might have made that up. | ||
| Let's see if I made that up. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| My brain is falling apart lately. | ||
| Anyway, my special is February 8th. | ||
| Stop taping it. | ||
| February 8th. | ||
| It's a hard question to Google. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why? | ||
| What is Greece called in Greece? | ||
| In Greek. | ||
| What is the real name of the country Greece? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I was trying a turkey thing and it's too close to Thanksgiving. | ||
| Turn off your safety. | ||
| Turn on your hot light. | ||
| What is Greece? | ||
| What is the country Greece? | ||
| What is the real name of the country Greece? | ||
| The real name of the country Greece? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The ancient or modern name of the country is Hellas or Helada. | ||
| Helada. | ||
| The official name is the Hellenic Republic. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's better than Greece. | ||
| It's tougher. | ||
| It's not something you put on an axle. | ||
| It's not something you mix up with dancing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Greece is the word. | ||
| That's better. | ||
| Hellenic Republic? | ||
| So that's one. | ||
| We fucked that one up. | ||
| I'm pretty sure we fucked up Turkey. | ||
| I don't think they call Turkey Turkey. | ||
| Germany is Deutschland, right? | ||
| Deutschland, yeah. | ||
| Turkey adopted it. | ||
| They took it. | ||
| They adopted its official name known in English as the Republic of Turkey. | ||
| I bet the butterball industry bribed them. | ||
| It was probably some cross-promotion with Kellogg's. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Remember when Kazakhstan got mad at L.E.G.? Fucking real mad at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Real mad at him. | ||
| Furious. | ||
| He was making fun. | ||
| I'm so mad. | ||
| It just made everybody happier. | ||
| Dude, that Borat movie is one of my favorite movies ever. | ||
| That was one of the best. | ||
| One of the best comedies. | ||
| So good. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's up there. | ||
| God damn, it was funny. | ||
| So good. | ||
| You go back and watch it today and you're like, what in the fuck, man? | ||
| I haven't seen it in a while. | ||
| And again, that guy, he's just so good at fucking with people. | ||
| He's so good at keeping a straight face. | ||
| While all this madness is going on, remember when he shit in the bag and was handing it to one of the people in the house in Georgia? | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| At the end. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Do you know he fell asleep in that house in Georgia? | ||
| It's like a plantation house. | ||
| He's trying to get a little racist around him. | ||
| And then he fell asleep because they were drinking wine. | ||
| There was like a wine plantation. | ||
| He fell asleep. | ||
| And they were like, he's going to wake up. | ||
| He's not going to know what character he's in. | ||
| Like the people with him. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And then he didn't know what to do. | ||
| But then he woke up and he was just like right into it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like saw where he was. | ||
| Like, mm-hmm. | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
| Got blasted, woke up drunk, still realized he was Borat. | ||
| That's funny, man. | ||
| Him with Donald Trump back in the day when he was Ali G. Did you ever see the Ali G movie? | ||
| He made a movie that was only available in the UK. I actually bought a special VHS player just to play it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because it was one of those ones that was... | ||
| There used to be two formats. | ||
| No, VHS. There used to be two formats of VHS. There was a format that they used over in the UK, and there was a format that we use here. | ||
| And they're not compatible. | ||
| And you have to either get a universal player, one that plays all formats, or you had to get a separate one. | ||
| So I went and got one that plays both. | ||
| But I got it specifically so I could get the Ali-G TV shows, too. | ||
| You used to be able to buy the TV shows online in VHS. The TV shows were great, yeah. | ||
| Oh, those are great. | ||
| The ones from England. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, man, this fucking movie is great. | ||
| It's so silly, especially if you're high. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| And I heard people tell me it's terrible. | ||
| I'm like, dude, don't talk to me. | ||
| I fucking laughed entirely through this movie. | ||
| If you're a stoner, this is an outstanding movie. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Ollie G. In the House. | ||
| It's from 2002. Dude, it's so good. | ||
| It's a lost gem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the dude from the office? | |
| I don't remember. | ||
| The dude that was with him? | ||
| The white guy? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| In the British office. | ||
| Yeah, I think it was. | ||
| In Hitchhiker's Guide. | ||
| Either way. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| It's really funny, man. | ||
| Really funny. | ||
| There's a dog licking his balls. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| Oh, this is fun. | ||
| You ever see Tom Green's shitty amazing movie? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Freddie Got Fingered? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, God, that was funny. | ||
| There's some funny moments in that movie. | ||
| They call that the worst. | ||
| There was another one-star movie. | ||
| They call that the worst movie of all time. | ||
| And then you finally watch it, and you're like, this is legitimately funny. | ||
| Funny shit. | ||
| Funny shit. | ||
| So, like, real laughs. | ||
| That's another one, if you watched it today, you'd be laughing hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Especially if you're a stoner. | ||
| Remember when the baby was in the umbilical cord and he's swinging around the room? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha. | |
| At the end, he, like, lands with his house in, like, the desert somewhere. | ||
| It's like, it kind of should already be over, and it's like, he's still going. | ||
| And then everyone's greeting him, him and his dad, like, rip torn or something. | ||
| They're greeting him, and one of the signs says, why is this movie still going? | ||
| His whole fucking show was crazy. | ||
| That show was amazing. | ||
| That was an amazing show. | ||
| God damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was the best. | ||
| You've never seen anything like that in Jackass. | ||
| He took some risks. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of people taking serious risks on TV back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about... | ||
| What's his face? | ||
| The fucking... | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| The ex-experi... | ||
| What is his name that does the fucking... | ||
| The guy who would do the pranks on people and put makeup on and shit? | ||
| Get there? | ||
| Jamie Kennedy experiment? | ||
| Yes, Jesus Christ. | ||
| How am I not getting Jamie Kennedy out of my mouth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are. | |
| Weed. | ||
| My tolerance, that whole went off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It went down, huh? | |
| My tolerance is through the fucking floor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have nothing. | ||
| I was smart this time. | ||
| I went into it going like, give me something like 14%. | ||
| This is 40. Whatever. | ||
| 40. This is that goddamn Kevin Smith shit. | ||
| He gets obliterated all day. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy had a great show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jamie Kennedy experiment? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Experiment, yeah. | ||
| That was a great fucking show. | ||
| How about the one where he talked those guys into being gay Chippendales dancers? | ||
| Remember? | ||
| He did some good stuff. | ||
| I don't remember that one. | ||
| It was Guys Gone Nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was like he was a sleazy producer and he was telling these guys that they were going to be in this new show called Guys Gone Nuts. | ||
| And then eventually it got further down the line. | ||
| He made them dance and stuff. | ||
| But then eventually it got further down the line where they were going to have to do gay stuff. | ||
| He was getting them on film, saying how much gay stuff they'd be willing to do. | ||
| It was legitimately ridiculous. | ||
| And he's this sleazy promoter, treating them like they're male prostitutes. | ||
| It's very funny. | ||
| It was very funny. | ||
| And it's another one that's real. | ||
| These are not actors. | ||
| Do you remember when he got Holtzman to wipe his feet? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He said he was a king. | |
| He was playing a king. | ||
| Or a Saudi prince. | ||
| Holtzman was just somebody he got. | ||
| So Holtzman was like an actor for it? | ||
| No! | ||
| No? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Holtzman had no idea this was happening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He wiped the guy's feet because he thought the guy was the king? | ||
| Eventually he was like, in my country you're supposed to wipe some of his feet. | ||
| And he had Holtzman, who used to open mics with him. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So Holtzman didn't know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just full makeup, the accent. | ||
| The makeup's amazing. | ||
| And then he's wiping his feet and then he's just like, wow. | ||
| Those guys who put that crazy latex shit on your face when they can give you a fake nose and fake cheeks, like you can't tell. | ||
| You can't tell. | ||
| Especially not someone with vision problems. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And for that, I'm looking for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever hear about Jim Carrey after Man on the Moon? | ||
| No. | ||
| He got those people that did the makeup for him to look like... | ||
| Andy Kaufman. | ||
| Andy Kaufman and Zamuda. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Tony Clifton, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He got them to make him up as whatever and the rumors that I heard. | ||
| So I obviously have no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Put him up in just makeup and then he drove a cab around and drove fares around just so we could hear what people are actually saying when they don't know it's Jim Carrey in the room. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I could see when you become someone like Jim Carrey, it's got to be weird as fuck. | ||
| He probably wanted to go on a little vacation with a fake face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it was really easy to do, if it didn't take hours to apply, you'd probably want to do that just to see how everybody treats you. | ||
| Just being normal? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| What a good idea. | ||
| Especially if you're that big. | ||
| You can't go anywhere in the world. | ||
| Well, he's also now, he's become some new thing, right? | ||
| Psychedelic. | ||
| Yeah, he's not really an actor anymore. | ||
| He paints and talks about things, and he's into psychedelics. | ||
| Way in. | ||
| Like, everything he talks about is like, he doesn't mention the psychedelics. | ||
| He's still in stuff. | ||
| He's in that new Sonic the Hedgehog movie. | ||
| Yeah, I think he's still doing stuff. | ||
| He's in some TV show recently, too. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Sonic the Hedgehog's your voice? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| He's like the bad guy. | ||
| Oh, the voice? | ||
| No, he's a full human. | ||
| He's an actual human? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Oh, so it's a live movie? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's a big controversy, but the trailer just came out today. | ||
| And he was on a TV show like a year ago. | ||
| Are the nerds mad that it's a movie? | ||
| They were mad, yeah. | ||
| Of course they'd be mad. | ||
| They can't be happy that they're making Sonic into a movie and getting Jim Carrey, one of the biggest actors in the world. | ||
| They're taking it seriously. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When would the nerds be okay when they hear movies coming out? | ||
| They're never okay with anything. | ||
| Batman, the first Batman with Michael Keaton, they were, I don't know, it seemed like they were happy. | ||
| I remember when there was one of the biggest controversy I ever heard about a role was when they were going to have Tom Cruise play in Interview with a Vampire. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, when he was the lead. | ||
| He was Lestat. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it was a beloved book? | ||
| Anne Rice did not want Tom Cruise to play Lestat. | ||
| He was like this super intense character in these excellent books. | ||
| You ever read those books? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| They're very good. | ||
| And she, you know, had this vision for what her vampire king character was like. | ||
| What'd she want? | ||
| The lead in the vampire. | ||
| She wanted someone who was just more depth and intelligence and just someone who had more layers. | ||
| And she felt like Tom Cruise is like Top Gun. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like color of money. | ||
| But that little crazy fucking act his ass off. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| He can act his fucking ass off. | ||
| And he was really good in that movie. | ||
| I mean, he fucking nailed it. | ||
| Like, when he's like an angry vampire in that movie and he's yelling at that little girl, you're like, holy shit! | ||
| Like, I'm buying this madness. | ||
| He was excellent. | ||
| He's good for a long time. | ||
| Oh, he's good, dude. | ||
| He's fucking great. | ||
| He's crazy as fuck, but he's great. | ||
| He's gotta be. | ||
| He's hook, line, and sinker with the fucking sci-fi religion. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sci-fi religion. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| But his acting is fucking still. | ||
| He can go for it, man. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Edge of Tomorrow? | ||
| Yeah, that was the one where he lives over and over and over again. | ||
| People had already given up on him for the movie or two before, and then that movie came out and nobody saw it, but it was so fucking good. | ||
| So good. | ||
| That movie is so good. | ||
| That's one of the most underrated science fiction films of all time. | ||
| Living the same day, over and over again. | ||
| And every time I'd be like, no, because they would do this, and then they would cover that. | ||
| Like, oh yeah, okay, you're right. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| I've been on rabbit holes for YouTube. | ||
| I've been on a rabbit hole of Groundhog Day. | ||
| It's like same thing, living the same day over and over again. | ||
| And one of them was how long did Bill Murray spend day after day? | ||
| It was a total amount of time. | ||
| What was a total amount of time? | ||
| They think it's a route because they were like, it's death. | ||
| He had to do it this many times. | ||
| It's bowling a perfect game, all these different things. | ||
| They said about 30 years of living the same day over and over again. | ||
| You know what I always used to think? | ||
| Yeah, and then you would do everything. | ||
| Yeah, as I was getting older, one of the things I thought was, like, why do I have this expectation that at some point in time, a person stops learning and growing? | ||
| Like, I never expected people in their 60s, like, being better people and learning more. | ||
| Like, they're done. | ||
| Yeah, they're done. | ||
| Whoever that guy is, he's done. | ||
| Because people do stop. | ||
| Right, but why? | ||
| So my thought was, like, why do I have these expectations for people? | ||
| Instead of just being open-minded. | ||
| I almost assume that when people hit a certain age, they're fucking done. | ||
| They throw in the towel. | ||
| But you do meet some people who don't do that, right? | ||
| Who are like taking an art class. | ||
| Somebody's mom or grandmother that's like, oh, I'm learning archery. | ||
| It's like, well, that's cool. | ||
| When Bourdain was 58 and he started getting seriously fucking into jiu-jitsu, like seriously into jiu-jitsu, I was like, look at you, motherfucker. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's how you, I mean... | ||
| Loved it and went for it. | ||
| Like taking lessons, private lessons, every day for an hour and then training and rolling with people for an hour. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| Seven days a week like heroin. | ||
| Like how he used to be addicted to heroin, he got addicted to jiu-jitsu. | ||
| All in. | ||
| Developed a six-pack. | ||
| Got jacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Jacked. | ||
| There's a picture of him walking down the street in Italy. | ||
| Full-on six-pack. | ||
| I mean, you look at it like, this is the guy that I used to know that was on high cholesterol medication. | ||
| He was on statins. | ||
| Because of his diet. | ||
| Because he's on the road drinking wine, eating fucking this and that, and fatty foods, and a lot of sugar, and just drinking whatever the fuck he wants, right? | ||
| And he got fat. | ||
| You know, not fat, like a big fat guy, but he definitely developed like a little belly. | ||
| Then boom! | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| He looks like Dan Bilzerian. | ||
| Dude, he got into jiu-jitsu and completely transformed his body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Lost all the weight, stopped eating sugar, stopped eating carbs, started eating really healthy, cut way back on the drinking. | ||
| And developed a goddamn legitimate six-pack. | ||
| Super healthy. | ||
| It's going to live forever. | ||
| I think that's a seven-pack. | ||
| That bottom one is a solid one. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So you've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. | ||
| That's a seven-pack. | ||
| People always like to say eight-pack, but I don't ever see a separation in that bottom one. | ||
| You've got to be like some kind of turtle person, you know? | ||
| Yeah, that's like a long one. | ||
| It's a tan line. | ||
| Point is, the dude transformed his fucking body. | ||
| He's throwing a lot of dick root there, though. | ||
| I'm not happy about that. | ||
| I mean, it's low hangers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pull up. | |
| Pull up. | ||
| I think he bought those shorts like 20 pounds ago. | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It could be that. | ||
| Where'd you get that ball? | ||
| Where did I get that ball? | ||
| Oh, um... | ||
| Who brought that in? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Dave LaDuke. | ||
| Who's Dave LaDuke? | ||
| Dave LaDuke is a Latwe champion. | ||
| He fights in the most brutal form of stand-up striking with a headbutt, and they soccer kick each other on the way down. | ||
| Where do you get that? | ||
| Thailand, probably? | ||
| Or Burma? | ||
| I think it was Myanmar. | ||
| Me and Marberma? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, dude, they play these games there. | ||
| Yes, he showed us the game. | ||
| The volleyball games. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of those balls. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Crazy, right? | ||
| They get above the net with just their leg. | ||
| And they play, first of all, barefoot most of the time. | ||
| I saw a guy play a one-on-three for money. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He was amazing. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And these other guys were just laughing about it. | ||
| They were trying to fucking... | ||
| He was spiking it. | ||
| Spikes it down. | ||
| With his foot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was my second day in Yangon. | ||
| You're seeing this stuff and you're like, how are they doing this? | ||
| And barefoot on concrete. | ||
| I've seen it only on a dirt floor that they're barefoot. | ||
| That's a lot of dirt. | ||
| Barefoot on concrete too? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| It's one of the coolest games I've ever seen. | ||
| And they keep it going. | ||
| They have circles where they just get going and they do the kick. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure you talked about it. | ||
| They do this, it's fine. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| But when it goes over your head, doing this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So they hit this straight and know how to pop it right back up. | |
| I've tried it a hundred times. | ||
| The best I can do is kick it that way. | ||
| I think it's one of those things that if your body doesn't develop throwing your legs around like that, it's really hard to do. | ||
| That was the thing about Taekwondo. | ||
| Like when I was teaching, you would get people that were like in their 30s. | ||
| It was really hard for them to learn it. | ||
| Really hard for them to get good. | ||
| So they can like whip their leg around. | ||
| But if you get those little kids, when they're like five and six, you get them to teach them how to whip their legs into things. | ||
| Here they go. | ||
| Oh my god, they're so good! | ||
| It's one verse three. | ||
| Oh, this is the one? | ||
| Well, I don't know if it's the one you saw, but this is a... | ||
| Yeah, you can use your head. | ||
| One verse three guy. | ||
| Well, this seems like these guys are fucking it up. | ||
| Well, they're also Americans. | ||
| Oh, they're Americans that are trying to play? | ||
| They're playing good, though! | ||
| Oh my god, look at him. | ||
| Oh, he fucked up. | ||
| Oh, you fucked up, loser, dork. | ||
| He's wearing a fucking helmet. | ||
| No, it's a bandana. | ||
| This is a wild game, though, man. | ||
| Very difficult to do. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| You got beaten. | ||
| You're not better than everyone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Stupid. | ||
| Anyway, killer game. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| If you could learn that, how to whip your legs around like that when you're like eight or nine years old, as you get older, you'll maintain that sort of leg dexterity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I sent one of those back. | ||
| I have one of those in my apartment. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I sent it back. | ||
| I took it from Myanmar to Thailand, and then I was like, I need to send this to myself. | ||
| Back in New York? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, all right, we can get it there in two days. | ||
| I'm like, no, I don't need it there. | ||
| I'm like, slower than that. | ||
| What's cheaper? | ||
| They're like, I mean, a week? | ||
| I'm like, dude, I'm in no rush. | ||
| I won't be there for, like, months. | ||
| I'm like, we can get you there in three months for, like, $4. | ||
| And I'm like, yup, that's the one. | ||
| No rush on this. | ||
| That's the deal? | ||
| Three months for $4? | ||
| It was, like, so slow. | ||
| It was by Mule or something. | ||
| And I was like, I'm not there, so go ahead. | ||
| Somebody Mule-ed it away. | ||
| By Mule meaning someone stuffed in their house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole fucking box. | |
| It's a weird game. | ||
| That's one where you need a certain specific kind of athleticism. | ||
| Someone who's an outstanding basketball player or a football player, you're not going to be good at that. | ||
| That's not just pure athleticism. | ||
| That's a weird leg dexterity skill. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How do they do it? | ||
| I mean, think about what I can throw a lot of crazy kicks. | ||
| I can't do what those guys are doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I don't know how to do that. | ||
| I can kick over my head. | ||
| I can do a split. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I can do a lot of wild shit still. | ||
| You have to learn how to kick and forward. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You'd have to learn how to jump up and you're whipping down and kicking the thing down. | ||
| Yeah, you are trying to get a leg up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's up and I think you'd have to be crazy flexible too. | |
| It looks like you've got to be crazy flexible. | ||
| Like I'm watching their legs fly up. | ||
| There's no resistance at all. | ||
| Most people have a lot of resistance when you try to lift your leg up. | ||
| They're doing it all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When are you doing your next special? | ||
| I don't think I'm thinking about it. | ||
| Good. | ||
| I'm right now just writing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just enjoying performing. | ||
| And when I get the bug, when it feels like, hmm, this is there. | ||
| I want to, you know, I was thinking about, I actually talked about this with Malcolm Gladwell in the last podcast. | ||
| I was quoting Jeselnik. | ||
| Jeselnik, he has a three-year process. | ||
| He does it in the clubs just around LA, develops an hour. | ||
| Then he takes it on the road in clubs, and then he takes it on the road the next year in theater. | ||
| So it's a three-year process. | ||
| That might be the way to go. | ||
| Yeah, Louie had that, but not in the three-year, just like when he was doing them, like, you know, three months, four months, four months. | ||
| Yeah, he was doing a new special in a year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which I guess you could if that's all you did, and you just really dug into it. | ||
| But I think things need time to cook. | ||
| Also, I find there's some times where it's like, I watch Atel a lot in New York, and he's like, the best. | ||
| I was just saying that to Malcolm Gladwell too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He was the guy that I said. | ||
| If there's one person who's at a super elite level where he doesn't get enough love, it's David Tell. | ||
| And it's like you see him on a regular basis and you're like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| He's just on a level above even the highest level people. | ||
| Super dedicated to only his craft. | ||
| He has zero promotion in him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so when he does a, he has a topical bit. | ||
| He's not thinking like, well, I don't have time to work on this for three weeks until people don't know the reference anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I got to work on a special. | ||
| He's not thinking that way. | ||
| He's like, oh, I got three weeks with this fucking topic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so he hits it harder than anybody. | ||
| And then when people are starting to lose the memory of the topic, he just moves on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he's constantly having fun, though. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And doing new cool things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He's also a guy who says the best example of someone who got better when they got sober. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The best example, right? | ||
| Because nobody else does. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Everybody else gets sober and then they get serious. | ||
| And it's like, oh, come on. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You can't have a sense of humor about anything anymore. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about podcasts, too. | ||
| One of the beautiful things is that you don't have to, like ideas that you have that aren't funny, you don't have to bring them to the stage. | ||
| They're fine on podcasts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they fit for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because remember, there was a point in time after Hicks where a lot of people were trying to do bits on stage that meant something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you see them doing that, and you're like, okay, it's fine if you have that, but I just always feel like this. | ||
| Why are you not being funny? | ||
| Why are you pushing that, right? | ||
| Bill Hicks did it, and honestly, I have the same problem with him. | ||
| Hey, how dare you? | ||
| It's just so much not funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| But a lot funny too, man. | ||
| A lot funny. | ||
| He had some funny shit. | ||
| And you gotta also take it in the context of the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| If you were alive back then and watching it back then, it would be really funny shit. | ||
| You know, when I saw him, it was like 90... | ||
| Yeah, you gotta put it in context of the time. | ||
| I just never got it, really. | ||
| Well, I saw him in like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Deep talking. | |
| The first time I saw him was like 88. But were you laughing when you heard it? | ||
| Or were you just like, whoa, yeah! | ||
| Right on, man. | ||
| Both. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Both. | ||
| I was laughing, and I was saying, wow, this guy's... | ||
| He's out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was, like, railing against capitalism and fucking Tiffany in the mall with Jimi Hendrix. | ||
| He had this crazy bit. | ||
| Like, Tiffany, like, think I'm alone now. | ||
| Running into Jimi Hendrix at the mall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just had all these, like, counterculture bits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, a lot of it was mocking ridiculous trends in American culture. | ||
| He just had some... | ||
| Very, very unique takes on things that didn't necessarily fit with our idea of what we thought comedy was. | ||
| Like, you never thought, like, oh yeah, you make comedy out of that, too. | ||
| That's what he would do. | ||
| So he was, like, making comedy out of, like, weird ideas, like anti-war ideas, and he was doing stuff that other people weren't doing. | ||
| And it changed people's opinion of comedy, because there was something about when Hicks would go on stage, you would feel like, why? | ||
| Richard Jenny said this to me. | ||
| Richard Jenny back then was the master. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| He said, every time I see him, I say, why don't I write more shit like that? | ||
| That's what Jenny said to me after he saw Hicks. | ||
| He goes, I always think, why don't I write things like that? | ||
| Because he was so deep, Hicks. | ||
| Very deep. | ||
| And Jenny was just funny. | ||
| He was just writing funny things. | ||
| Isn't that weird when some master looks at somebody else and is like, oh, why can't I be more like that? | ||
| It's like, damn, you're not happy? | ||
| Well, Jenny was never happy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| He was a guy that, for whatever reason, thought that he had to be like Seinfeld with a television show or Jim Carrey with a movie career. | ||
| He had to be that. | ||
| And he was like the most probably underappreciated stand-up, in my opinion, one of the most underappreciated ones ever, but definitely from his era. | ||
| Meanwhile, he has all these specials that you can go watch. | ||
| You can watch how good the guy was. | ||
| And when I saw him live, again, in the context of the time, because I saw him live in like... Jenny. | ||
| Yeah, first time I saw him was 88, but I saw him a bunch of times. | ||
| But I saw him murder at the Comedy Works in Montreal. | ||
| You know, that room is like 100 people max, right? | ||
| Oh, that place, yeah. | ||
| Tiny-ass room upstairs. | ||
| He lit that fucking place on fire. | ||
| And I remember he was doing a bit about some guy trying to sell him a car, some car salesman selling him a car. | ||
| And I was like, this is like the most... | ||
| Standard blah premise. | ||
| How could he extract so much comedy out of someone selling him a car? | ||
| But it was like a murderous bit. | ||
| It was just crushing. | ||
| Just punchline after punchline. | ||
| Bang, bang, bang. | ||
| And you're like, fuck! | ||
| But again, it's like I've said this so many times about him. | ||
| You gotta be there in that moment. | ||
| Stand-up on TV is maybe 60% as funny as it is when you're seeing it live. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That's why people go, why are they laughing? | ||
| Because they're there. | ||
| It's funnier. | ||
| It's funnier when you're there. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Comedy Club is the funniest. | ||
| Theater, second. | ||
| Arenas. | ||
| Arena just gets crazy. | ||
| The arenas are weird. | ||
| It's like you're laughing, but it's also like, wow, how many fucking people are here? | ||
| There's like this weird feeling to it. | ||
| There's an extra energy to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But watching it... | ||
| So if you watch Richard Janney today and you go, I didn't think it was that funny. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| You gotta be in the room. | ||
| You have to be in the room. | ||
| And second of all, we're in 2019. Right. | ||
| This is 1990, right? | ||
| Wow, almost 30 years or 29 years ago. | ||
| I mean, the first time I watched him was, I think it was 92 or 93. On stage at the Comedy Works. | ||
| But the first time I saw him physically, I was an open-miker. | ||
| That was in 88. I paid to see him at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge. | ||
| And it was a half-filled room. | ||
| It was like a Thursday night. | ||
| He was like a guy who had been on The Tonight Show. | ||
| And I knew him because he had been on The Tonight Show. | ||
| And you were a comic. | ||
| And I was a comic. | ||
| I was maybe a week in or something like that. | ||
| And I paid to go see him. | ||
| And me and my friend sat in the front row. | ||
| And he made fun of me. | ||
| He was excellent. | ||
| But he was great. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| And he was so casual and loose with his punchlines. | ||
| And I remember thinking, God damn, this fucking guy, he's got it made. | ||
| He's just traveling around the country doing stand-up. | ||
| But he didn't think that way. | ||
| He wanted to be a movie star. | ||
| You look at people and you're like, you know, you would have killed for your life and you're upset about it right now. | ||
| You would have killed for your life 20 years ago. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I mean, forever, dude. | ||
| What I wanted to do from the time I was a beginner in 1988 was I wanted to make a living doing comedy. | ||
| After that, everything's gravy. | ||
| Everything's, exactly. | ||
| It's gravy. | ||
| And listen, I've lived in a shitty apartment. | ||
| The only thing that sucks about shitty apartments is bugs and crime. | ||
| Roommates. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You get used to everything then. | ||
| You do. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| You get used to everything. | ||
| It's really fine. | ||
| It takes like a week and then you're used to it. | ||
| Prison may be a little different, but if you've got freedom, if you're in a place, as long as your life's not being threatened and your fucking things aren't getting stolen, all that other stuff is mostly bullshit. | ||
| If your house has two bedrooms or four bedrooms... | ||
| You get used to it. | ||
| You get used to everything, man. | ||
| You ever hear the $88,000 theory? | ||
| Everything over $88,000. | ||
| Yeah, it does not improve your happiness. | ||
| Your happiness does improve with more money, up to $88,000. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| And then it's like, a new Lamborghini gives you the same happiness as a new, you know, BMW, as a new Honda. | ||
| It's like your new car. | ||
| The thing about a Lamborghini is you can't leave it anywhere. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's the thing about those. | ||
| If you've got a stupid car like that, you don't just pull it up to the mall and park anywhere you want. | ||
| You feel weird. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, and this guy had a Lamborghini in his driveway, but he didn't have it in his garage. | ||
| He just had it parked in his driveway, and it was kind of like sticking out in the street. | ||
| People were whizzing by, wham, wham, in Malibu. | ||
| I'm like, what a weird thing Malibu is, where these houses that are on the fucking highway, like on the Pacific Coast Highway. | ||
| It's a highway, and there's a door that's five feet from a speeding car. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know how they get their car into those driveways. | ||
| Dude, they barely get in there without dying. | ||
| But then how do they get out? | ||
| Cars are flying by. | ||
| Yeah, it's 60 and they're just turned off. | ||
| And there's a ton of bars on that fucking road. | ||
| Yeah, I've driven drunk on that street. | ||
| I mean, you have never driven drunk. | ||
| I have allegedly never driven drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, never. | |
| You've never driven drunk on that street. | ||
| When you see cars flying by. | ||
| That's where Mel Gibson, he set the tone. | ||
| We're all just following his footsteps. | ||
| He went on a crazy anti-Jew rant, right? | ||
| He sure did. | ||
| None of us cared. | ||
| The Jews. | ||
| We thought it was funny. | ||
| Well, it's just... | ||
| The worst one was the voicemails that the wife... | ||
| The hot tub? | ||
| The one who was like... | ||
| You got my hot tub, you suck my dick! | ||
| Yeah, that was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a husband! | |
| You should shut up and blow me! | ||
| But she felt... | ||
| I didn't want to support her ability to do that. | ||
| How does she do that? | ||
| How are you allowed to do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do what? | |
| It should be record someone's voicemails and then play it on the internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That should be really illegal. | |
| Especially if you're married to Mel Gibson. | ||
| And he's drinking. | ||
| He's a fucking nice guy, man. | ||
| I met him when I came on with Dr. Neil Reardon. | ||
| Talk about stem cells. | ||
| Stem cells severely helped his father. | ||
| Stem cells kept my wife's neck to give me a blowjob! | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I don't think that was on the tapes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I didn't listen to the whole podcast. | ||
| Blaming the Jews is a weird one. | ||
| It is a weird one. | ||
| It's a weird one. | ||
| It seems so antiquated. | ||
| That's your go-to thing is to blame the Jews. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Mexican taking our jobs is a lot more obvious. | ||
| But what jobs? | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| Not that they're right, but it's more like... | ||
| I don't agree with that. | ||
| Okay, I can see it. | ||
| But the Jews, it really is a throwback thing, right? | ||
| It's a weird one. | ||
| It's a weird one. | ||
| Because it's almost always there's some sort of intoxicant or some sort of psychological issue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's always like when your default is go to the Jews. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Jews! | |
| How much have the Jews had an impact on your life? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to know. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not saying that some people haven't had bad situations with people that happen to be Jewish. | ||
| But I want to know, if we could have a chart, show all the people that rally against the Jews, find out how many Jewish people have actually had a negative impact on your life. | ||
| What is the numbers? | ||
| I bet the numbers would be pretty goddamn low. | ||
| Mel Gibson would be like, the Jews are the ones who are holding my money back. | ||
| They're the producers. | ||
| Is that what he would say? | ||
| Maybe, because I'm saying that's what the Jews he's come in contact with. | ||
| Didn't he do Passions of Christ and make some ungodly sum of money? | ||
| I think he did that on a ballsy move, though. | ||
| I think one of the things he did was he took ownership of the film, so he financed it. | ||
| Passion Project. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Passion Films. | ||
| I think that's the case. | ||
| If I remember correctly, The Passion of the Christ, he's a very religious guy. | ||
| And his father is too. | ||
| Was too. | ||
| Yeah, right, right, right. | ||
| Nazi roots. | ||
| Very Catholic. | ||
| Oh, Nazi roots. | ||
| Maybe I'm thinking of Kennedy. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I think you're thinking of Schwarzenegger. | ||
| Austria. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think he has Nazi roots either, but maybe someone in the family. | ||
| Right, his dad. | ||
| Or grandfather. | ||
| His dad. | ||
| Yeah, somebody might have had some questions about the Holocaust. | ||
| I don't know if it was Mel Gibson's family. | ||
| Someone's family. | ||
| I don't know whose family it was. | ||
| I remember something. | ||
| I don't remember what it was. | ||
| So when he made Passion of Christ, he said, look, this means a lot to me. | ||
| I want to do this movie. | ||
| I'm going to just pump it. | ||
| And he had all that loot from Braveheart. | ||
| And he put his own money in? | ||
| Pretty sure. | ||
| Is that the case? | ||
| His production company spent $30 million to produce the show. | ||
| Whoa, that's a lot of money! | ||
| That's more than I'm spending on Ari Shafir Ju, taping February 8th at the Skirball Center in New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get tickets at AriTheGreat.com right now for tickets. | |
| That's a smooth segue. | ||
| Are you doing sets in town the week of that you're doing that too? | ||
| Yeah, I'll probably do other material those nights. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You wouldn't want to run the set, like, constantly? | ||
| I've been running it for so long, so many times. | ||
| That's a good feeling, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just in groove. | ||
| I did it last night at the store. | ||
| I was, like, three days out. | ||
| I was, like, hey, give me a belly room. | ||
| And she was, like, I have a main room. | ||
| I was, like, whatever. | ||
| I'll be 50 people in there. | ||
| So, yeah, I'm just running the shit out of it all the time. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| That's a good place to be where you just have it down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| The Skirball's a good place, too. | ||
| Well, we talked about it, where some of these synagogues were like... | ||
| I was back and bending over too much to make it work in a synagogue. | ||
| It would look cool to do it there. | ||
| I was worried about the sound. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was worried about the height of the ceilings. | ||
| This place was massive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Beautiful synagogue. | ||
| Oh, but... | ||
| Anyway, after agonizing over it, they came back a week later and were like, we don't want you to do it here. | ||
| So it didn't even matter. | ||
| But I already decided on the Skirball. | ||
| They probably Googled you. | ||
| Wolf shot there. | ||
| She said they were good shows. | ||
| She really liked that place. | ||
| Oh, at the synagogue? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Oh, Skirball. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, so I'm excited about it. | ||
| I'm really excited about it. | ||
| Yeah, the Skirball's legit. | ||
| That's a spot that a lot of people perform at. | ||
| That's a time-tested spot. | ||
| You don't have to worry about that part of it. | ||
| Cool part of town, too. | ||
| Yeah, doing something in a synagogue, man, who knows if it's going to work? | ||
| What kind of sound are you going to have? | ||
| What kind of echoes are there going to be? | ||
| Are the people going to get in the audience? | ||
| Is it going to be weird when it comes through on the television? | ||
| Is it worth it? | ||
| Is it worth it? | ||
| That's what I had to agonize over. | ||
| What percentage worse might this be, the laughter, versus what do I gain from the look? | ||
| Two of the things you talked about that I think are very important. | ||
| One is to do it in New York. | ||
| I think that's huge. | ||
| It's a gigantic Jewish community. | ||
| It's where the Jews in America are. | ||
| Boston is maybe second, but not as prominent. | ||
| New York is where it's at. | ||
| And then on top of that, that's where you perform most of the time. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| I know these audiences. | ||
| And the Skirball? | ||
| Dude, come on, man. | ||
| You can't go wrong there. | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Because the theme, once you get past what the theme is, people just want to hear the material. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you're in a synagogue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| So that's what I did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's what I did with this thing. | ||
| So I was like, I'm going to work out all this shit, this theme stuff in clubs in New York and LA. Just regular club sets. | ||
| Funny. | ||
| Follow Big J talking about some relationship in the crowd or follow Bobby Lee doing whatever. | ||
| And then just like, I'll just do this. | ||
| And it has to be as funny as those guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With a theme. | ||
| I have to make people not notice a theme. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It has to be stand-up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just stand-up and then that theme is on top of it. | ||
| But since it is that, it's like, oh yeah. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| So how much material do you have outside of it? | ||
| A year ago in Edinburgh, a year and three months or something like that, I did an add-on show after my last few shows were done, were sold out. | ||
| We did an add-on show in a tent and I was like, this will be the next specials material. | ||
| I just ran all my levels. | ||
| The problem is I go crazy with just this theme shit. | ||
| It's annoying after a while. | ||
| Right, you don't want to talk about one subject anymore. | ||
| Bits come because your mind pops off. | ||
| You see something. | ||
| You see a homeless guy picking shit out of his ass. | ||
| You're like, alright, this is a bit. | ||
| Or that lady on Sunset. | ||
| Every comic at the store had a bit about that lady dancing in the street on Sunset. | ||
| Because they all felt like they just are, even though she was posted up there. | ||
| Things make your mind pop off. | ||
| So I still had that. | ||
| And I'm like, well, I've got to do this for a week. | ||
| I get rid of that. | ||
| And then when I'm done, I express myself, shit like that, then I get back to the material. | ||
| So November what? | ||
| What's the date? | ||
| February 8th. | ||
| And it's arithegreat.com? | ||
| arithegreat.com, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, tickets are available right now? | ||
| Right now. | ||
| I'm telling everybody right now, today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why I came out to fucking LA. February 8th, is that what you said? | |
| February 8th, Manhattan, New York. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| That's plenty of time, you fucks. | ||
| Get your shit together. | ||
| Get your shit together, make your plans. | ||
| And don't dose Ari as payback, either. | ||
| No, that can't happen again. | ||
| I know you're plotting. | ||
| I know what we'll do right before a special. | ||
| Switch his water bottle around. | ||
| Like if I had a water bottle. | ||
| That'd be crazy to get the exact same water bottle and switch it like an old spy. | ||
| Are you and Bert cool? | ||
| Did everything... | ||
| Yeah, we're alright. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, we're fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a tough month. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a rough one. | ||
| It got weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think the lesson is don't ghost anybody, but... | ||
| Yeah, that's definitely the lesson. | ||
| You know, but I mean definitely do give free drugs to people, but... | ||
| But only if they ask for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's more trouble than I thought it would be. | ||
| Plus, you didn't take into consideration that he's on medication either. | ||
| That's the big one. | ||
| I did not take into consideration. | ||
| There's a bunch of issues there. | ||
| Oh, well. | ||
| You live, you learn. | ||
| Everything worked out. | ||
| You live, you learn. | ||
| I'm just never allowed in this home again. | ||
| It's his newfound zest for life that has given him this ability to put out that promo. | ||
| What drugs have you been on since the... | ||
| Just pot. | ||
| Just pot? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Booze? | ||
| Oh yeah, booze. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Booze and pot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think me too. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I took some Molly. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Just a little bit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just a dance on. | ||
| But that's it. | ||
| How do you feel? | ||
| I feel good. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| But I felt good sober, too. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I enjoyed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I meant. | |
| How do you feel being sober for the month? | ||
| I enjoy it. | ||
| I enjoy that there's no choice. | ||
| Like, sometimes I wanted a glass of wine with a steak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But the reality is it doesn't matter. | ||
| I don't really need it. | ||
| It doesn't really make that much of a difference. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But like, yeah, no, you don't need it. | |
| I mean, you can't enjoy the things out of life. | ||
| Like, we smoke pot here, but it's like, what if we don't have any pot? | ||
| It's like, it's all right, we'll still do the podcast. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But we also really liked it. | ||
| Yeah, we like it, too. | ||
| The thing about alcohol, though, versus pot, is you pay a price. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You probably pay a price. | ||
| Not for a glass of wine or two beers. | ||
| No. | ||
| You pay a small price for a glass of wine or two beers. | ||
| Small price. | ||
| It's very small. | ||
| You might not notice it. | ||
| Maybe it's a quarter. | ||
| Worth it. | ||
| But if you have like three drinks, you pay a few dollars. | ||
| You're going to lose a feeling. | ||
| You're going to lose a step. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a fact. | ||
| It's a fact. | ||
| If you get hammered, if you drink like seven, eight drinks, you get drunk, the next day you're going to feel like shit. | ||
| You're not going to perform as well. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But also that day, if you're with friends drinking, it also feels really good. | ||
| Might be worth it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have a good time with your friends, getting a little loopy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That's where I miss it the most. | ||
| Not in moments. | ||
| I didn't miss the drug. | ||
| I missed the drug enhancing a moment that it should have been. | ||
| Yankee games. | ||
| My brother coming to town. | ||
| A glass of wine at an Italian meal. | ||
| You know, where it's like, they want the wine. | ||
| Once I have the Italian meal, it's like, oh, wine would be great here. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, it's a technology. | ||
| They figured out how to alter your state predictably with a small glass of liquid. | ||
| It's pretty great. | ||
| It's pretty amazing. | ||
| The first few days I was struggling. | ||
| I passed by locked cabinets of liquor at hotels. | ||
| But it's like everything else, right? | ||
| You can abuse virtually everything that everybody enjoys, whether it's food or sex or anything, or electronics or anything. | ||
| Television. | ||
| There's some people that watch television 12 fucking hours a day. | ||
| They just sit in front of the TV and watch TV all day. | ||
| What do you do to limit yourself on there? | ||
| On TV? No, on that fucking stupid thing. | ||
| I've been really good with it lately. | ||
| What I mostly do is, the one thing that I do trick myself with, like I said, is those Google stories. | ||
| I read news stories. | ||
| And then I wind up reading, like, scientific stories about, like, fucking space and all these different things. | ||
| A, because it's interesting, and two, because I'm getting to look at my phone. | ||
| So it's like, I'm tricking myself into saying, oh, this is, but this is, like, crucial information I need to have. | ||
| Like, I can get this at home. | ||
| But also it's because of the feeling, I need to check this, I need to check this. | ||
| Tate said he got banned for three days on Instagram for something, you know, that shit happens. | ||
| He said... | ||
| During that time, he was banned, where he's like, oh, I'm banned for sure. | ||
| He checked his phone like 72 times, checked his Instagram. | ||
| He's like, no, I'm still banned. | ||
| Like, just reflexively, we end up going to that. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Because of the lights and colors or whatever. | ||
| I don't know, but... | ||
| It's not good for you. | ||
| The parental control, it shuts it off. | ||
| After I use it for an hour, whatever you want to set it to. | ||
| My girlfriend put the code on there, so I can't override it. | ||
| Even if I need to, if I need to promote something big, I need to be on there all day, I would tell her to take it off. | ||
| Otherwise, once I hit her, it says, you've got five minutes left. | ||
| If you're going to make a post about a show, do it fucking now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then you're done. | ||
| Then it's over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so it's like... | ||
| And then I end up using it a little less because I don't want to waste that hour in case, let's say, I want to post something later. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or I want to get on there. | ||
| So I want to save some time. | ||
| And then I end up only using it for whatever. | ||
| But... | ||
| I need that parental control. | ||
| It's very rare that I really do need to answer emails on my phone. | ||
| Rarely! | ||
| And you can do it an hour a day and just get it all done. | ||
| Right, or do it on your computer only. | ||
| The only time is, like, say if you were in the middle of a deal, like you were about to sign a deal for your special and you're going back and forth with lawyers and all that. | ||
| Yeah, February 8th, the Skirball. | ||
| The Skirball, February 8th, it's called G. AriTheGreat.com, yeah. | ||
| You can get tickets right now. | ||
| But if you were going to do that, that kind of makes sense. | ||
| You would check your phone during the day. | ||
| Right, if you have to. | ||
| But most of the time, no. | ||
| I check in in the morning just to make sure there's not some nonsense that I forgot I have to do during the day. | ||
| And then I try not to check my email at all until I start doing podcast ads. | ||
| Okay, so one thing I would say for that is what I like is not checking it for the first, and I fail, first hour or two of the day. | ||
| That's good, too, right? | ||
| That's my best thinking time. | ||
| Don't even look. | ||
| And I said at a time of 12, if I wake up at 9 or 10, great. | ||
| Wake up at 11, 30, whatever. | ||
| But until 12, don't touch it. | ||
| You know, my favorite thing to do, and I've only done this a couple of times, legitimately, is don't look at my phone at all and go right to yoga class. | ||
| Great, and then your mind's racing. | ||
| Then your mind's racing. | ||
| Before I even see it. | ||
| Before I even see it. | ||
| Yeah, the whole night. | ||
| Instead of bogging it down and like, does this deal sound good for this club? | ||
| And what do you think for t-shirts? | ||
| It's just like, just let your mind wander when it's supposed to. | ||
| No one else? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Get high as fuck before yoga. | ||
| Get high as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don't look at your phone. | ||
| Get high as fuck before yoga. | ||
| You come out of there a different person from another dimension. | ||
| A different hole in the time-space continuum. | ||
| You just drop out of there. | ||
| You start thinking. | ||
| Change your universe. | ||
| Change your life. | ||
| You ever space out when you're doing a back-on-your-back thing and then all of a sudden you come to and you're like, not asleep, just out of it. | ||
| Everyone's standing up and you're like, oh, sorry. | ||
| Catch up. | ||
| How long was I out? | ||
| Yeah, you can get zoned out, man. | ||
| You're messing with your consciousness when you're doing that. | ||
| You're holding those poses and breathing. | ||
| You're messing with your consciousness. | ||
| And I say that in a good way. | ||
| They did a new Netflix special about that Bikram guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I haven't seen it, but I saw there's ads. | ||
| A lot of people are changing the name of their yoga class. | ||
| I know the one I went to two years ago. | ||
| Yeah, they're just calling it Hot Yoga. | ||
| Three years ago. | ||
| Yeah, she was like, yeah, because nobody wants to be associated with that. | ||
| They're hippies. | ||
| That guy's a full rapist. | ||
| He definitely has some issues. | ||
| Why would that rape those women? | ||
| Women would pay a million dollars for one drop of my sperm. | ||
| One drop of my sperm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why would I rape? | ||
| One drop of my sperm. | ||
| Yogi Guru Predator. | ||
| I like how he has a bunch of Rolls Royces. | ||
| That's my favorite part. | ||
| And he does yoga with a Rolex on. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| Do you think that's on his card? | ||
| Yogi Guru Predator? | ||
| Now it is. | ||
| Now probably. | ||
| Now they probably put it on there. | ||
| He's a fucking character, man. | ||
| In the worst way possible, but he's definitely a character. | ||
| Why the hell out there from that lady? | ||
| He's a thing, man. | ||
| When you're around a bunch of these freaky people... | ||
| I'll see that movie. | ||
| When you're around a bunch of these freaky people and everybody's half naked and you're the guy who's the one who teaches them how to do yoga. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're the master. | ||
| You get to fuck. | ||
| Dude, isn't it weird when you see somebody who went all in with yoga? | ||
| Oh yeah, it's weird. | ||
| Like they shaved their heads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| They only wear the yoga pants. | ||
| Like that is their being. | ||
| What if that's what I started wearing yoga pants everywhere? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I'd be like, oh, Joe went yoga Joe. | ||
| Well, I already wear a fanny pack. | ||
| What would be the problem? | ||
| That's a far different world than a yoga Joe. | ||
| What? | ||
| With a Bikram t-shirt on. | ||
| If you're allowed to wear a Bikram t-shirt, you gotta wear it now, right? | ||
| Quick, before that movie comes out. | ||
| I think the special's out, this Netflix documentary, I think it's out. | ||
| Is that the new stand-up special? | ||
| People don't know about it yet. | ||
| They're really going broad? | ||
| It's after Paul Rudd. | ||
| They just went right to Bikram. | ||
| One drop of my sperm. | ||
| Women spend one million dollars. | ||
| I'd be like, show me one woman who spent a million dollars on your sperm. | ||
| You only get one drop? | ||
| That's all you get for a million? | ||
| You don't get a whole load? | ||
| I know someone who runs a yoga studio and that was the fucking final nail in the coffin. | ||
| When he said that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One drop of my sperm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, alright, changing the name. | |
| It's so crazy. | ||
| But I think back when he started getting crazy, right? | ||
| How old is he now? | ||
| 78. Is that how old? | ||
| He's probably pretty fucking old, right? | ||
| 240. Back when he first came here in the 80s, and they're like doing... | ||
| You remember girls wear like scrunchie socks, and it was... | ||
| You remember like Olivia Newton-John, Let's Get Physical? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's get... | |
| Physical! | ||
| They were taking aerobics classes, buying those Reeboks aerobics shoes with the Velcro. | ||
| Everybody had those. | ||
| The socks had a little poofy ball in the back sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| The little poofy ball with the sock. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| That was when that dude started slinging. | ||
| So he came over here from India. | ||
| Shorts with leggings underneath. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Shorts with leggings. | ||
| Tan colored leggings. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So he came over here from India and started teaching and just letting the old snake out of the basket. | ||
| Is that racist? | ||
| To make like Indian music sounds and say he took the snake out of the basket? | ||
| Insinuating his cock, but yet he's a snake charmer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Because a lot of Indians are snake charmers. | ||
| I want to know if I'm racist there. | ||
| You definitely got, joke-wise, you got two levels. | ||
| So joke-wise, you're clean. | ||
| Yeah, it's okay. | ||
| Yeah, and the structure's great. | ||
| Is it racist? | ||
| Because that's the... | ||
| Because I make the noise, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| Because if you say something about someone from China and you're going... | ||
| Yeah, then racist. | ||
| People go, oh my God, you're racist. | ||
| Okay, well, definitely I would say there is an argument for racist. | ||
| But now let's see how valid that argument is. | ||
| Yeah, maybe... | ||
| But that's not all Indians. | ||
| If you were super woke, you could go in on me. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, if you were really woke, you could take a swing. | ||
| It's like, you know who have fucking... | ||
| That's the woke swing. | ||
| Do you know who fucking never, never gets stood up for? | ||
| It's fat white guys. | ||
| You can shit on fat white guys. | ||
| They're not even human. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck about the way they feel. | ||
| That was me. | ||
| I would say please do. | ||
| Oh, you're talking about Burt? | ||
| No, I was not. | ||
| He's not fat anymore. | ||
| He's not obese anymore. | ||
| He lost a lot of weight. | ||
| He's just overweight. | ||
| He lost a lot of weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of weight. | |
| He looks good. | ||
| He looks very good. | ||
| There's only one guy now who does not look good. | ||
| Tom? | ||
| Did you say Tom? | ||
| No, I heard you say Tom. | ||
| I didn't say Tom. | ||
| Wow, I don't remember even saying it. | ||
| I was asking a question. | ||
| He looks fine to me. | ||
| Maybe you got a different filter. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| He's bigger than Burt. | ||
| He's bigger than Burt. | ||
| Is he really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Wow, Burt's winning now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, I told Bert if he makes 205, he gets the belt. | ||
| Oh, at any point. | ||
| I text any time. | ||
| I text him two weeks out. | ||
| I go, are you going to make the weight? | ||
| He's like, oh, I don't think so. | ||
| I've been on the road. | ||
| I go, come on, pussy. | ||
| How much do you weigh? | ||
| I go, dude, there's guys who weigh 235 on Tuesday and they fight on Saturday at 205. Yeah, you can cut that. | ||
| They cut the weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would love to see the fucking fat foals hangover. | ||
| Did you guys see this? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This guy was... | ||
| This is a wrestler. | ||
| That guy's very big. | ||
| Ranting in a ring. | ||
| I think he's in Australia. | ||
| What's he ranting about? | ||
| He's like... | ||
| Look, Big J's in the background. | ||
| Talking shit to the crowd. | ||
| For those that are watching, you can't see this, but there's like 10, 15, 20 people there. | ||
| I just want to skip ahead to the end here. | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| He's being the heel. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Oh, hold on. | ||
| What is he? | ||
| There's a guy that yells out. | ||
| He calls him Tom Segura. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know if Steve Brown wants to bring hockey up on this broadcast. | |
| Sorry, I fucked up. | ||
| That's all right. | ||
| Play it back. | ||
| We'll find it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I enjoy your failure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep going. | |
| Thanks. | ||
| Have you guys heard of it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Yeah, we heard of it when we watched them draw make-believe on the TV. They're pretty good. | ||
| Doug Gilmore's my favorite scorer! | ||
| Yeah, guys, you're watching a VHS. Doug Gilmore's not on the team anymore. | ||
| Hey, Tom Segura, wrap it up! | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Hey, Tom Segura, wrap it up. | ||
| Random rule for Canada. | ||
| That might not have actually been said. | ||
| It sounds like someone inserted that sound. | ||
| Oh, maybe. | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, good point. | ||
| I know what they're doing. | ||
| They found some guy doing that and some other guy doing that. | ||
| Let me hear that again. | ||
| Play it again. | ||
| That might be right. | ||
| That might be crazy. | ||
| I'm from a real city. | ||
| It's called Toronto. | ||
| Have you guys heard of it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we heard of it when we watched Toronto Maple Leafs on the TV. They're pretty good. | |
| Oh, that's it. | ||
| Because you're still talking. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, how was it? | |
| I don't buy that. | ||
| That sounds like that's in an echoey room. | ||
| That sounds like that guy did in his bathroom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His mom's like, why are you screaming down here, Jimmy? | ||
| In the wind. | ||
| Why are you screaming, Jimmy? | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| It says no gimmicks. | ||
| Well, that's what I would say. | ||
| It says this according to the website that it's on. | ||
| It says no gimmicks. | ||
| I would say no gimmicks as well. | ||
| That'd be a good way to do a good gimmick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The law is not strict on the no gimmicks claim. | ||
| Bro, that's a lonely road, right? | ||
| We were talking about the road of being a stand-up, traveling and doing stand-up. | ||
| Being a pro wrestler that nobody knows, like trying to make it on the circuit. | ||
| Like doing what that guy was doing. | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
| That's rough. | ||
| Cole Cabana, you ever talk to him? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, he's like a legit wrestler wrestler. | ||
| Just on the road all the time. | ||
| It's hard, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is your friend Tommy still bowling professionally? | ||
| No, his legs are shot out. | ||
| His knees are shot out. | ||
| From bowling? | ||
| From bowling, yeah, I guess so. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| We used to be cavemen. | ||
| We used to be able to fight off Sabertooth Tigers and neighboring tribes. | ||
| Dude, he was ranked fifth in the world in bowling. | ||
| This is how great stand-up is right now. | ||
| He was ranked fifth in the world in bowling, and he made $35,000 that year. | ||
| That's a good year. | ||
| That's a good year for a bowler. | ||
| There he is, with you behind him. | ||
| Yeah, that always comes up on Reddit, because of that sign. | ||
| So, his knees are shot from bowling? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What do you do in bowling that makes your knees go? | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Let's try to wind it out here. | ||
| Okay, here we go. | ||
| Bar it. | ||
| There's like that torque, I think, probably. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| If you twist harder, you probably torque harder. | ||
| But you're on those slidey shoes. | ||
| You're on the slidey shoes. | ||
| You slide in. | ||
| Maybe that's part of the problem, right? | ||
| Slidey shoes? | ||
| You're trying to get grip with your muscles. | ||
| I do know there's some pros that play into their 40s and 50s. | ||
| It seems like slidey shoes wouldn't be the way to go if I didn't know better. | ||
| You don't want to stop short. | ||
| But I'm saying I do know that slidey shoes are the way to go because the pros use them. | ||
| They're not stupid. | ||
| But I would think that if you had more grip, you could wing the ball harder. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| I think it's the movement they got going, the speed they got. | ||
| There's like a momentum and a whip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| Let's watch some strikes. | ||
| So, it almost all says it's arm injuries except for MCL. Oh, him? | ||
| He has arm injuries? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Like, just common bowling injuries. | ||
| The arm I can see throwing this out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know how many fucking Marines are laughing right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bowling! | |
| They don't have the guts to step into the lanes. | ||
| Burrow fucking bowling! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've been to Afghanistan, but have you been to hard work lanes over on the third? | |
| Ooh, that's a hard lane. | ||
| There's a lot of dips. | ||
| A lot of dips. | ||
| They don't grease up the rails. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what it is? | |
| The floor. | ||
| You know, balls will carve a groove. | ||
| You've got to find the groove. | ||
| So he says, so here's how the tournament works. | ||
| You play the whole week, and the top five go into the tournament. | ||
| Starts with, fifth plays fourth, the winner of that plays third, the winner of that plays second, the winner of that plays first for the championship. | ||
| So if you're in first place for the week, you have to play one game. | ||
| If a lefty is in the fourth, fifth game, if that lefty wins, he's already set a groove that only he's going to be in. | ||
| Whereas the righty has to use the other guy's groove, and so it's like he's not set in his own, the lefty will go all the way and win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And it's because of the oil on the road? | ||
| It's because they've grooved up the fucking lane. | ||
| Their way exactly. | ||
| No one's fucked it up. | ||
| Two righties are like, I don't remember using each other's groove. | ||
| It's a great game for six-year-olds. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's like pool if you only broke the balls. | ||
| And people get mad at me. | ||
| How can you say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put boings to scale with the blah, blah. | |
| They get so angry. | ||
| 35k for number five. | ||
| Yeah, what are you hoping for? | ||
| Just shut your mouth. | ||
| It's a child's game. | ||
| They have roommates on tour. | ||
| My ball is 15 pounds. | ||
| I'd like to see a six-year-old throw it. | ||
| They have roommates on tour. | ||
| The best guys have a roommate for the week. | ||
| Yeah, they have to. | ||
| Dude, there are bowling groupies that are hideous. | ||
| Every industry has a groupie, and the bowling groupie is not great. | ||
| Every industry must have groupies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where they're like, I know you from this scene. | ||
| Yeah, even ones you would think no fucking way. | ||
| Bowlers! | ||
| Like, you used to think no fucking way for, like, guys who played video games, but now guys who play video games- But they have Ninja? | ||
| For sure Ninja's getting his dick sucked. | ||
| Wow, right now? | ||
| Yes, for sure. | ||
| He's married, but there's other guys that you could say that for sure. | ||
| Technically, your wife could suck your dick. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I know it's foreign to a lot of men, but- She could do it. | ||
| She could do it if she really cares. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She could do it if she really cares. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can get it if you really want, but you must try. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of money in it. | ||
| So once there's a lot of money in something, you get groupies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| But even not. | ||
| Well, you had pool groupies, didn't you? | ||
| Didn't you have lounge lasers that hung out there? | ||
| There was a few really hardcore drug addicts that would hang around the pool room and then some really lonely ladies. | ||
| And then there was a few girls who played pool and they would hook up with guys too. | ||
| Because they saw these guys are the best. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There was a few of those girls who would get really... | ||
| They would be pool players. | ||
| They'd be really into the pros. | ||
| They would hook up with the pros. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| And they'd be like, hang out, waiting to score with Tommy O'Goulson? | ||
| Yeah, that game ain't much better, man. | ||
| The only thing that saves pool is, well, there's some... | ||
| Hustle games. | ||
| No, there's some tournaments to be played in America, some. | ||
| But in other countries, there's a lot of money. | ||
| There's big, like, they go to Qatar, and they play billiards in China, and you can make, like, real money in tournaments out there. | ||
| But you have to be, like, a Shane Van Boning, or, you know... | ||
| It's a deaf one. | ||
| Yeah, he's top of the food chain. | ||
| You have to be like him. | ||
| There's a few of those guys. | ||
| Jason Shaw. | ||
| There's a few of those guys that are like just straight up killers. | ||
| They could travel the world. | ||
| And they're fucking bitches. | ||
| All the time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I would imagine if you're like an elite pool player and you're a handsome fellow, you'd probably get a little tail. | ||
| Get a few pool player gals. | ||
| Maybe in other countries. | ||
| That's the thing about if you went to Asia, you might be like a god to them. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like in the Philippines, pool's huge. | ||
| Philippines, there's this guy Efren Reyes. | ||
| He's probably the greatest pool player of all time, and he's from the Philippines. | ||
| And that guy is a star over there. | ||
| He does commercials and all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| Everybody knows him. | ||
| People see him on the street. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, pick like Tiger Woods. | ||
| Like how Tiger Woods is for golf? | ||
| That's how Efren Reyes is for pool. | ||
| Tiger Woods goes anywhere people know who Tiger Woods is. | ||
| If Efren goes anywhere in the Philippines. | ||
| He does commercials with Manny Pacquiao. | ||
| Manny actually plays really good pool. | ||
| Better than me. | ||
| He plays professional level pool. | ||
| Yeah, how come you can say Filipinos are standardly way better at pool than us? | ||
| Because of the 1950s. | ||
| But you can't say America is clearly the best comics in the world? | ||
| You can. | ||
| Of course you can. | ||
| Well, some Americans are just as good, I mean pool players are just as good as Van Boney. | ||
| Yeah, same thing. | ||
| Some, the top ones are like sure, but overall. | ||
| Overall, Filipinos have a lot of great pool players. | ||
| They have a lot of killers. | ||
| But there's a lot of killers over here too now. | ||
| There's killers from Europe. | ||
| There's a lot of killers from Europe. | ||
| Pool. | ||
| Pool's different. | ||
| But with stand-up, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You know why I think? | ||
| I think in England it came from like theater. | ||
| And here it came from like storytelling just like around a campfire. | ||
| Well, it came from a lot of variety shows, too. | ||
| Like Lenny Bruce used to do. | ||
| He used to do stand-up on variety shows. | ||
| In between, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A band would come out. | ||
| You ever watch Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? | ||
| They have it that way. | ||
| Someone comes out and they've got an act. | ||
| They do some kind of an act. | ||
| They have a fucking puppet act. | ||
| And they introduce the band. | ||
| And then they introduce the band. | ||
| The band will come play a song. | ||
| And then Lenny Bruce will go on and do some stand-up. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And then, you know, that's how they did it back then. | ||
| They didn't necessarily have comedy clubs. | ||
| We talked about that yesterday with the Ice House, that the Ice House is the oldest comedy club technically, but it really didn't become a full-time comedy club until 1978, where it was a store. | ||
| Was it 78? | ||
| It became full-time in 72. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, so they were a full-time comedy club first. | ||
| People kept saying it was older, but it wasn't a comedy club. | ||
| It's not really. | ||
| But it was a variety show. | ||
| They'd have magic and fucking bands and all kinds of stuff. | ||
| Yeah, that's why they say one of Mitzi's biggest decisions was going like, we're going all comedy. | ||
| We're not doing music, comedy, magic. | ||
| We're doing all comedy. | ||
| She was the best. | ||
| People are like, you're out of your mind. | ||
| She was the best. | ||
| What a crazy loon. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We needed her. | ||
| You need some jazz in people's lives. | ||
| Oh my god, you needed her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You needed her. | ||
| She knew how to do it, man. | ||
| She knew how to run a fucking comedy club. | ||
| She let people fucking figure it out on their own. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She just wanted you to kill. | ||
| She just wanted you to develop and become better. | ||
| Just be better. | ||
| And then she'd always find a good spot to put you. | ||
| In the beginning, she'd put you on early. | ||
| You get with a fresh crowd. | ||
| After a while, you develop a little promise. | ||
| She puts you on after hard people. | ||
| And if she liked you, every set, you're going to go after a murderer. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Every set, you're going after murderers. | ||
| Murderers. | ||
| And then she would give you advice. | ||
| That wasn't funny. | ||
| Thanks for the advice, lady. | ||
| That bitch, bro. | ||
| Stop doing it. | ||
| But every now and then, man, she'd throw me a gem to tell me how much she loves me. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Just here or there. | ||
| Man, what a fucking abusive parent. | ||
| And then she'd give you a little piece of niceness. | ||
| Yeah, but I expected it. | ||
| I was, you know, 27 years old and I expected it going in. | ||
| I was happy just to talk to her. | ||
| You got there when you were 27? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 26, really. | ||
| The first time I went, I was 26, yeah. | ||
| It was before that show Hardball. | ||
| I came out here with Brewer. | ||
| He was on that show, too? | ||
| Yeah, Brewer was the mascot. | ||
| In the first episode, yeah. | ||
| He was a mascot of the opposing team, the Pied Pioneers, and he had a fucking flute and shit, and he got beat up by a giant baseball that was our mascot. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| Brewer. | ||
| Brewer's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Still is. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| But he was out here with me. | ||
| We were doing that pilot, and it was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to say it was like 93, somewhere around then. | |
| Yeah, 93. Really? | ||
| Yeah, and we came to the comedy store, and we're just sitting in the back of the room watching that play. | ||
| I remember thinking, I can't believe I'm even here. | ||
| I can't believe this is really the comedy store. | ||
| And then maybe six months later, I was out here living because the show got picked up. | ||
| Maybe not even six months, probably four months. | ||
| You know, you do a pilot. | ||
| Pilot gets seen, got picked up, came back, did six episodes, and I was just hanging around the store. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And that's when I got to meet Mincy. | ||
| And she said you can perform there? | ||
| She said I could be a non-paid regular first. | ||
| Non-paid. | ||
| I auditioned as a non-paid regular. | ||
| And no bullshit, I was there every fucking night. | ||
| I didn't have a life, man. | ||
| I had nowhere to go. | ||
| I didn't have any friends. | ||
| So all I would do was go to the comedy store after I worked. | ||
| So I'd work all day on the TV show. | ||
| I'd go home to my shitty Oakwoods apartment. | ||
| I had one of them Oakwoods apartments in Burbank. | ||
| You know one of those ones where it's a pre-furnished apartment? | ||
| Four people were coming at her act for six months. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And then somewhere around episode three, I'm such a fucking genius, I figured this show's gonna take off, I'm gonna get a lease. | ||
| So I got a lease for a year, an apartment in North Hollywood, a real apartment. | ||
| And then the show got cancelled. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| But it's good that I got that lease because I was going to move back to New York. | ||
| I did not like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you stayed. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what kept me. | ||
| I couldn't move. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't remember how much it was, but I remember I had a pool table in the living room. | ||
| That was the number one thing that I did. | ||
| I got a place that was big enough for me to put a pool table in the living room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| That's so funny. | ||
| That was my prerequisite. | ||
| I'd walk out every apartment. | ||
| I'd 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. That's 5 feet with 4 on each side. | ||
| So it's a 9 by 5, right? | ||
| A good table is 4 1⁄2 by 9. So you want to give yourself like 15 feet width, and then you want to give yourself a solid 20 feet length. | ||
| So you measure out 5 on the front, 5 on the back, so you don't knock it with a stick. | ||
| What an addict. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what you look for. | ||
| Yep, that's what I look for. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's like me when I go to a place, I'm like, smoking's allowed, right, Pot? | ||
| And I'm like, why would you bring that up? | ||
| I'm like, because I want to know now or I'll just move on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I had a neighbor that got mad that I was playing pool. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| Probably late at night, too. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| He asked me to not do it until they don't use the living room because the floor was creaking. | ||
| And this guy was like the superintendent of the building. | ||
| I went, what? | ||
| I said, you don't like me walking upstairs? | ||
| And he said, well, you're walking around the pool table when you're playing pool. | ||
| I go, what if I just walked? | ||
| You don't like me walking? | ||
| Are you telling me not to walk in the living room because you can hear me walking? | ||
| What kind of floor is this? | ||
| What do you hear? | ||
| It was a carpeted floor, too. | ||
| It wasn't like I had fucking cowboy boots and I was running around on a hardwood floor. | ||
| He said the floor creaks and it's annoying. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Can you please not walk? | ||
| That sounds like a New York story. | ||
| That place was made out of cardboard, though. | ||
| I could hear everything you do. | ||
| It's like, well, what am I going to tell you? | ||
| I'm still going to fuck. | ||
| I could hear the phone ring, and then I could hear the answering machine go off, and the person... | ||
| I could hear everything they said. | ||
| Every fucking thing they said. | ||
| And I didn't realize what a piece of shit the house was until we got an earthquake. | ||
| One day, I was in the apartment, and... | ||
| I don't know if you've ever been in a legit earthquake, but this was like a 5.5. | ||
| It was really the aftershocks of the big Northridge earthquake. | ||
| So this apartment just goes like this. | ||
| It didn't do anything that I thought it was going to do. | ||
| I felt like an earthquake, everything would shake. | ||
| Yeah, like the movies. | ||
| It started moving back and forth. | ||
| Oh, that's a big one. | ||
| The apartment was made out of a refrigerator box. | ||
| That's what it was like. | ||
| If I was inside a refrigerator box and you were outside, come on up, pussy. | ||
| That's what it was like. | ||
| The whole thing was just moving. | ||
| The walls were just moving. | ||
| I'm like, this place is made out of nothing. | ||
| This is made out of cardboard. | ||
| I remember thinking, God damn, you're vulnerable when an earthquake hits. | ||
| When you feel the first one here, you're just like, whoa. | ||
| Because you feel little ones all the time. | ||
| It feels like a car's underneath you or a garage. | ||
| Bro, we're so overdue. | ||
| We're so overdue. | ||
| They said that one of the fault lines moved recently for the first time in 500 years. | ||
| Dude, this is also from Myanmar. | ||
| That? | ||
| That's weed, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| Oh. | ||
| That's from Gino. | ||
| Oh, all right. | ||
| That's from LA Speed Weed, son. | ||
| Oh, that's a Mike Tyson joint, actually. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's from Tyson's Weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They have those cigars like that there. | ||
| Yeah, this is not a cigar. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They'll put you on Pluto. | ||
| Smoke that like a cigar. | ||
| Mike Tyson Weed. | ||
| He goes for it, huh? | ||
| Mike Tyson's Weed. | ||
| Yeah, he goes for it. | ||
| He goes for it like he went for in boxing. | ||
| That's what he does with his weed. | ||
| Speaking of weed, did you see the story about the NBA player that got suspended? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| They suspended him for 10 games because he had an incident, a medical edible marijuana incident on a team playing. | ||
| Conduct detrimental to the season, to the team. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh... | |
| It's only an hour flight from Phoenix to LA, too. | ||
| Oh my god, that is hilarious. | ||
| What is he flying to LA? They suspended him for 10 games for that? | ||
| Wait, what's Phoenix? | ||
| I kind of think, I was looking at the military. | ||
| They don't want him on the team anymore, either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I don't want to say he's a troublemaker. | ||
| I don't know what he's doing, but they're doing good. | ||
| You just said he's a troublemaker. | ||
| They're doing good without him, and he's owed $24 million this year. | ||
| It's a whole different thing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, they're trying to box them out. | ||
| Potentially, that's what it sounds like. | ||
| Yeah, saving money on those 10 games, too. | ||
| You don't have to pay them for those 10. Maybe someone dosed them. | ||
| Save one-eighth. | ||
| Two million. | ||
| Maybe someone dosed them, Ari. | ||
| Dude, people have been asking me all the time. | ||
| I was on Halloween. | ||
| I went dancing. | ||
| I went having fun, you know? | ||
| And on the way out, somebody recognized me, and they were like... | ||
| People started yelling, like, Ari! | ||
| Ari's like, hey, what's up? | ||
| They're like... | ||
| Okay, we're all fucked up, dude. | ||
| They're like, dose me, Ari! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dose me! | |
| Dose me! | ||
| Someday that'll be funny, Bert. | ||
| Yeah, we were at the bar, and some girl was there, and I was ordering a drink, and then she just goes like, so she had her beer, and she just like, going like that to me, and I'm like, excuse me, and then she was smiling, and I was like, alright, that's very funny. | ||
| You know what I'm picturing right now? | ||
| I'm picturing Bert with headphones on running somewhere on the road listening to us right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So funny, guys! | |
| Someday it'll be funny, Bert. | ||
| Someday. | ||
| Right now it's not funny. | ||
| Bert, you're one of the three of us who's not obese. | ||
| Just be happy about stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| I'm not obese. | ||
| I'm just overweight. | ||
| No, you're now not obese. | ||
| I saw that picture you posted on Instagram. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You were three pounds away from not being obese, and you went down. | ||
| Oh, so 98 is... | ||
| What is obese? | ||
| What's the number? | ||
| Check out. | ||
| Pug in his height, 5'4". | ||
| 5'2". | ||
| And his weight, what? | ||
| 5'8". | ||
| Well, I'm around 200 pounds right now. | ||
| BMI calculator. | ||
| Oh, what'd you got down to less than that before, huh? | ||
| Yeah, I started drinking again. | ||
| Wow, that's quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got down to 195. 195. There you go. | |
| Sight does this sometimes. | ||
| It doesn't let me on it. | ||
| Cannot be reached. | ||
| Oh, the government doesn't want to know if I'm obese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| That's all about it. | ||
| I'll do this one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Put in me... | ||
| Oh, it does the age, too. | ||
| Oh, that's... | ||
| Don't... | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Why is it a matter of the age? | ||
| Yeah, that's a... | ||
| I've never seen the age... | ||
| Change the height. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| I'm not 5'10", I'm 5'8". | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And change the weight to 200. That's going to be obese again. | |
| I want to see what that is. | ||
| Calculate it. | ||
| Obese plus one. | ||
| Wait, 126. 164. That has your age in there, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No, wait, that's normal weight. | ||
| Normal weight for the range is 121 to 164. Yeah, but what's just overweight? | ||
| Put in 187. I love this. | ||
| I love the BMI calculator. | ||
| Overweight. | ||
| Overweight. | ||
| 190. What would you have to get to to be overweight? | ||
| Anything went over 165 is going to be overweight. | ||
| Anything over 165 is overweight. | ||
| No, no, I want to see the difference between overweight and obesis, where that line is. | ||
| Put in 190. I think 190 means you got it. | ||
| Okay, I can make that. | ||
| 190 is I'm just overweight. | ||
| 195? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on, bitch. | ||
| Okay, so 195, I'm good. | ||
| I got down there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, 199. Okay, that's where it changes. | |
| So Burt is now not obese anymore. | ||
| Where the rubber hits the road is 197? | ||
| 197. If you get to 197, you are overweight. | ||
| Okay, I'm overweight. | ||
| Burt has achieved that. | ||
| I'm just overweight. | ||
| I fluctuate. | ||
| It all depends on what time I weigh myself, too. | ||
| Use me in the morning. | ||
| It's easy for me to stay around 195. I could do that right now. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Or I can pasta it up. | ||
| Yeah, I got fasted up. | ||
| It's just so hard to be consistent. | ||
| Like, with workouts, it's so hard to put in, like, the real consistent fat-burning time. | ||
| You're so muscular, though. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Muscular. | ||
| I don't know how you lift all that weight around. | ||
| I do it. | ||
| I force myself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I understand deterioration that comes with aging. | ||
| It's one of the most important things for your health as you get older to lift weights. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| Muscle mass has some sort of correlation between health and muscle mass when you get older. | ||
| They say that you should do some resistance exercises and weight-bearing exercises just to keep your bone density and your muscles strong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My thought is like... | ||
| You're bigger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sorry, what was your thought? | ||
| Well, my thought is, use this fucking thing while you got it. | ||
| Because you don't see a lot of 70-year-old dudes that can work out hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So what's the point? | ||
| The point is like, don't work out hard when you're 50, so that when you're 70, you're still alive. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| Oh, but you like working out? | ||
| I'm fucking going for it, man. | ||
| I'm going for it, Ari. | ||
| I like being exhausted. | ||
| It makes me feel better. | ||
| I like those 90-minute yoga classes. | ||
| I like running hills. | ||
| I like kickboxing. | ||
| I like jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I like going hard. | ||
| I like going hard. | ||
| When I can't go hard anymore, I'll stop. | ||
| Right now, I can still go hard. | ||
| It's amazing that we're friends because I really enjoy the not moving. | ||
| We're really into different things. | ||
| I don't know how we've hit it off. | ||
| I enjoy not moving too. | ||
| I enjoy not moving, but I've got caveman jeans, dude. | ||
| There's something inside me. | ||
| I got a squash. | ||
| Yeah, you're like part wild. | ||
| Well, I try to be as nice as possible, but there's definitely some shit in me, especially from my childhood, all my childhood. | ||
| I grew up fighting in martial arts tournaments. | ||
| That is not a good way for your brain to develop with violent combat sports every day of the week from the time you're 15 to the time you're 22. That's not good. | ||
| It's just, you can do it with proper guidance and become a nice person, and I'm not doubting you can. | ||
| But when your whole life is about kicking people unconscious... | ||
| For years. | ||
| It's only about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's also the time when you're going through puberty. | ||
| That's also the time where you're learning about life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So for me, it's like that door's always open. | ||
| You gotta throw water on that fire all the time. | ||
| You gotta get out there with the hose every day. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you feel like it or not. | ||
| Just don't let that fire grow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't open up the door to the basement. | ||
| Do you ever just want to strangle somebody in life? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, remarkably not. | ||
| I do. | ||
| That's also because I do it. | ||
| If you do jiu-jitsu or lift a lot of weights, beat up the punching bag, punching bag is probably the best. | ||
| But you don't even think sometimes you're like, as you pass somebody who cuts you off in traffic and just like way too close, you're not like, I could kill you. | ||
| Well, if someone was talking shit and getting mean to me, it's very nice to know that you can fuck people up. | ||
| It's very nice to know. | ||
| It's very nice. | ||
| If you see some guy, like some average body dude who thinks he's a badass because he talks shit, he's mean and stupid, then he might take a swing at you. | ||
| And you see one of those guys. | ||
| It's very good that you are the one who gets to decide what happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That would be nice. | ||
| And you can teach someone a very, very severe lesson and let them know, hey, motherfucker. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's people like me out here. | ||
| I'll break both your arms and leave you here. | ||
| That would be so badass. | ||
| Just snap them both. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crack. | |
| Crack. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Good luck, fuckface. | ||
| Hope you don't lose them. | ||
| There's a lot of mean people out there. | ||
| I'm a nice guy. | ||
| I'm nice. | ||
| So, if I run into a mean person, I want to be the one who gets to decide what happens. | ||
| I want to be the one who gets to decide if somebody gets hurt. | ||
| There's just too many people out there that'll just take sucker punches at people and hurt people. | ||
| I see it all the time online, right? | ||
| I'm sure you see it. | ||
| There's so many videos of people hitting people and doing fucked up things to people for no reason. | ||
| Oh yeah, sucker punches? | ||
| Remember the knockout videos? | ||
| Dude, remember? | ||
| They knocked on an old lady. | ||
| There was an old lady that was waiting in line at a grocery store and somebody punched her. | ||
| They were just like, knock out! | ||
| And then punched her? | ||
| I don't remember it. | ||
| I just remember a video of some kid hitting an old lady. | ||
| There's always one person who takes it too far. | ||
| It was a horrible one of some kids. | ||
| They knocked out this guy as he was getting off of a subway. | ||
| I think it was in Chicago. | ||
| And just cracked this guy. | ||
| And he fell face first out cold on the concrete. | ||
| Bounced off the concrete. | ||
| I was like, oh my god. | ||
| And the guy was old too. | ||
| He wasn't a healthy person. | ||
| Like that is something that can literally change the rest of your fucking life. | ||
| These kids are just doing it and laughing. | ||
| And jumping on a train. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a lot of people doing things like that for a while. | ||
| Fucking Harvard kids. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's all those Yale fucks with all their money and their fucking fancy grades. | ||
| They want to rebel. | ||
| They go out and crack old people. | ||
| I see people studying at NYU all the time. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| I look at them in the library. | ||
| Why is it weird? | ||
| It's just like a different time of your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| People are like studying all the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The grind. | ||
| Yeah, it's just like, I don't know, their college just looks like they have the whole world ahead of them. | ||
| It just looks so fucking enviable. | ||
| Just learning. | ||
| Well, it is in some ways, but it's also like this is a weird time to go to school. | ||
| Yeah, my friend's a teacher at a liberal arts college. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Good luck with that. | ||
| She's like, people just aren't very happy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all about change and progress. | ||
| Social justice. | ||
| Social justice. | ||
| And you can't just have, like, a fun time. | ||
| It has to be for a reason. | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| What happened to having an 80s night party? | ||
| Can't do that. | ||
| It's cultural appropriation. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's culturally appropriating people who lived in the 1880s and had to suffer with no internet. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We had it hard, you motherfuckers. | ||
| But I just mean, not in terms of who they're offending, but just in terms of they have to be fighting against something. | ||
| And so it's such a terrible existence. | ||
| Are you allowed to dress up as a Civil War soldier if you're from the North? | ||
| You can't be a Confederate soldier. | ||
| Are you allowed to dress up? | ||
| You can't be a Confederate soldier because that harkens something. | ||
| Harkens. | ||
| Harkens. | ||
| You can definitely be a Union soldier, right? | ||
| You could be Ulysses S. Grant. | ||
| That's another one I could see going both ways. | ||
| I could see somebody going, that reminds me of the Civil War, which is slavery, so that's hurtful. | ||
| And someone else could be like, no, I'm honoring the people who fought for freedom. | ||
| And then they could go back and go, why is it only the white experience to be able to fight for freedom? | ||
| Do you realize that if you... | ||
| Went back in time. | ||
| If you were around the Civil War, you'd be a giant. | ||
| You'd just run over people and stomp them. | ||
| Because they're all shorter back then? | ||
| They were so tiny. | ||
| Nobody had good food. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In the 1860s, I think the average size for a man that was in the army was like 125 pounds. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I could definitely be one of those doctors. | ||
| I'd be like, cut it off. | ||
| Amputate. | ||
| Cut it off. | ||
| Yeah, those doctors had it made. | ||
| Nobody made it. | ||
| Cut it off. | ||
| Doctor, it's a bloody toe. | ||
| Cut it off. | ||
| Enough. | ||
| It could get a disease. | ||
| We could all die. | ||
| You got these... | ||
| Glass tips. | ||
| Glass tips. | ||
| You put them on there? | ||
| No, they came with it. | ||
| It's more wasteful than a stoner. | ||
| The third tallest average in the world at the time was 5'7". | ||
| During the Civil War for an American man. | ||
| Third tallest average? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| That means the first average is like 6 feet tallest. | ||
| Like the tallest average. | ||
| Average tallest person. | ||
| Third tallest was 5'7". | ||
| I don't understand what you mean. | ||
| The average. | ||
| Like if there's an average, what's the average, the tallest average height? | ||
| I got the peak. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Is it 6'5"? | ||
| Yeah, average. | ||
| The average for the people that are alive. | ||
| So what year would that be? | ||
| 1866, Civil War time period. | ||
| The average is 5'7". | ||
| That was the third highest, third highest height average. | ||
| That we've ever had? | ||
| No, during that time. | ||
| What do you mean that was the third highest? | ||
| The people that lived during that time, during 1866. What do you mean that was the third highest average? | ||
| Average. | ||
| So if you had first highest average... | ||
| What does that mean first highest average? | ||
| Well, the average height of people. | ||
| What is the highest? | ||
| Like, for instance, England could have been higher than... | ||
| No, you could have percentages. | ||
| Like, you have 30... | ||
| The top 30th percentile of 60... | ||
| 90 people. | ||
| Say if you only have 90 people, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just the average. | ||
| 30 of them are 6'1 and above... | ||
| 30 of them are 6'1 to 5'10. | ||
| 30 of them are 5'7 to 5'10. | ||
| No way. | ||
| That's not what that means. | ||
| You don't have a third highest average. | ||
| What are you choosing the 30, 30, 30? | ||
| It's just the average. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The average height. | ||
| Right, but the number of humans, the overall number of humans. | ||
| See what I'm saying? | ||
| That's why I broke it down to 90, right? | ||
| So you have three groups if you have 90 people. | ||
| If it was the third highest average, we're the third tallest in the world. | ||
| But they're even. | ||
| Do you understand what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's what it is. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| I got this. | ||
| The third percentile? | ||
| Listen, they're even. | ||
| If we have 90 people, do you know what I said? | ||
| 30 and 30 and 30. If that's what we have, then that's obviously... | ||
| The third highest average. | ||
| They're almost even. | ||
| In the numbers that are represented by each individual category of height. | ||
| So it's 5'10 to 6'2 is one group that's 30 people. | ||
| Why those 30? | ||
| Because you have... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why 30? | |
| I'm just saying this so you can understand what the third highest percentage means. | ||
| It's based on the number of overall people. | ||
| So if there's 200... | ||
| And there's only three percentage groups? | ||
| Are there five or ten? | ||
| Instead of 90 people, let's say there's 90 million people. | ||
| Okay, well 30 million of them are 5'10 to 6'1. | ||
| But what's the fifth highest percentage? | ||
| Well, we'd have to find that out. | ||
| But the third highest percentage was 5'7", which means that out of these millions of people that were alive back then... | ||
| So the top third was average this, the second third averaged this, and the third third averaged that? | ||
| That's such a confusing stat. | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| You might be confused on the word third. | ||
| It's not a third. | ||
| It's third place. | ||
| Third place for average male in America. | ||
| That's why you're not getting it. | ||
| Now we're 37th as of today. | ||
| Who's 37th? | ||
| Americans, United States. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But you're talking about the average height. | ||
| Was that for America in 1866? | ||
| American soldiers were tall by the standards at the time amongst the world. | ||
| Third highest country. | ||
| But people were so tiny back then that third highest height, the third highest category was 5'7". | ||
| No, we were just the ranked third country. | ||
| Of all the average heights, I'm confused on why you guys are not on the same page here. | ||
| I think you're both saying the same thing. | ||
| No, I'm saying we ranked third in country. | ||
| He's saying the third grouping of people averages 5'7", which is like, what grouping would that be? | ||
| I thought you were saying average height of people in 1966, the third average height of people was 5'7". | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Is this what you're saying? | ||
| Is America ranked third of all the countries? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And we were average height 5'7". | ||
| At the time, the average height of a male was 5'7", the third tallest males in the world. | ||
| Today, it is 37th. | ||
| Ooh, that's a confusing stat. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| We rank third of all the countries. | ||
| Americans were 5'7", on average. | ||
| But the average height in 1866 was 5'7". | ||
| Dude, I guarantee you that's food. | ||
| Nobody had any goddamn food. | ||
| And women were 5'3". | ||
| How often do you think people starved to death back then? | ||
| Probably a lot. | ||
| It probably is a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what a terrible way to go. | |
| Because people starve to death today. | ||
| And if everybody's that little and it's the same genes, how the fuck is in a hundred years plus, what is it, 150 years, how do people get so much bigger? | ||
| How do you get football players? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| Monsanto. | ||
| Thank you, Monsanto. | ||
| No one gives it up for them. | ||
| No one has some good stuff they're doing. | ||
| When you stand next to someone like Alistair Overeem or someone like that, and he's from Holland, a big old Dutch dude. | ||
| How do you get that? | ||
| How does someone get that big? | ||
| Those are the Vikings, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Rico Verhoeven. | ||
| He's the glory heavyweight kickboxing champion. | ||
| It's breeding. | ||
| He's fucking giant, dude. | ||
| It's breeding. | ||
| That's how you get that. | ||
| He's a giant Viking. | ||
| The tallest fucked adult. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Make the giant. | ||
| That's how you get a Brock Lesnar. | ||
| That shit isn't magic. | ||
| It's real simple. | ||
| The Conquerors fuck all the hottest women, and then they make babies, and then in 2015, you get that guy. | ||
| That's basically what it is! | ||
| That is basically what it is, man. | ||
| You have German Shepherds and Chihuahuas and you have that guy and you have Redman. | ||
| That's to me why CRISPR is so fascinating. | ||
| What's CRISPR? CRISPR is gene editing technology that they're currently using on live human beings now. | ||
| They're doing the first test now on live human beings. | ||
| Yeah, it's gene editing technology they came up with. | ||
| Boy, I know I'm going to butcher this, but it's a tool that they recognize that bacteria carry certain signals, and they figured out how to edit genes using what they learned from how bacteria carry these signals. | ||
| I know I'm butchering this, but they're getting better and better with the tools, and they're getting to a point where they're able to isolate certain genes, like in China, They were able to give people HIV avoidance, resistance to HIV, but it also had some sort of a positive effect on their intelligence. | ||
| Was it two for one? | ||
| Yeah, it was a bunch of weird... | ||
| Those are both good. | ||
| I think that's speculated, but there's a bunch of weird chain reaction things they're not entirely certain of. | ||
| That's why they're saying it's unethical to just experiment on people, but they're doing it right. | ||
| You have your ethics. | ||
| I'm going to have a super kid. | ||
| You're going to have a super kid. | ||
| Someone's going to have a goddamn Incredible Hulk kid. | ||
| Enjoy your ethics while my kid fucking smashes your village. | ||
| Well, once a country decides they're going to pull the trigger on super people... | ||
| Everyone else has to keep up. | ||
| Dude, do you imagine what it's like... | ||
| The troops? | ||
| The 6'20 troops? | ||
| What if all porn by the year 2050 is Chinese guys with giant hogs? | ||
| It's all because that's all they are. | ||
| So that's not a world I want to live in. | ||
| Every Chinese guy is seven foot tall and they all have a giant hog. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| They're like, we're sick of this. | ||
| Revenge. | ||
| We're sick of it. | ||
| Now we have the biggest ones. | ||
| Revenge. | ||
| They're all seven feet tall. | ||
| How's it feel now? | ||
| Giant Brock Lesnar bones and huge hogs like 12-year-old kids' legs. | ||
| And they're just banging everything that moves. | ||
| They're just fucking their way through the world. | ||
| I mean, if one country pulls the trigger and they decide they're going to make super people, everyone would have to catch up. | ||
| But it's almost like the internet, right? | ||
| If we said, hey, we can't allow people to communicate openly and freely. | ||
| We can't allow an even distribution of all the information in the world. | ||
| It's just too much power that we're just giving away to people. | ||
| We've got to stop this. | ||
| We've got to make this only for a few people. | ||
| If they did that, the world would fucking be a totally different place. | ||
| But they didn't do that. | ||
| And if someone doesn't stop them before they make super people, if they say, listen, we can't do the super people because then everyone's going to be a super person and no one's going to have body issues because everyone's going to be perfect. | ||
| We can't live like that. | ||
| They'll find ways. | ||
| We'll find other ways to hate you. | ||
| They'll find like your eyebrows are too big. | ||
| I don't like the way your nostrils flare when you get mad. | ||
| And then everybody would be a super person. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be great. | ||
| That's 100% possible. | ||
| That's within 100 years, they're probably going to be able to engineer most things about people, unless something catastrophic happens to us. | ||
| Do you remember that Van Damme movie? | ||
| Which one was that? | ||
| Universal Soldier? | ||
| No, Universal Soldier. | ||
| Is that what it was about? | ||
| Yeah, I was just like looking up that thing that genetically augmented soldiers with enhanced self-healing abilities and superior strength. | ||
| Once again, Jean-Claude Van Damme ahead of his motherfucking time. | ||
| He had a scene in Time Cop. | ||
| Do you remember there was like a scene where he went back in time with a machine gun and was fucking people up? | ||
| Like in the Civil War days or something like that? | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Or somebody else did. | ||
| Didn't see that movie. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Somebody else did. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Somebody else in Time Cop was like a bad cop, I think, that went back and did bad things. | ||
| They were like going back and stealing gold and shit and coming back with the gold. | ||
| Yeah, it's the guy he's going after. | ||
| Ah, that's right. | ||
| So that dude, see if you can find the video. | ||
| He's in Civil War in Georgia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Civil War. | ||
| This is fucking great. | ||
| Because I've always thought, like, man, how cool would it be to go back in time, like, to the... | ||
| Any time in the history of the Spartans and see somebody show up out of nowhere with a machine gun. | ||
| So he's asking these people... | ||
| Asking for the gold, and they pull out their gun, and he just fucking guns them down. | ||
| Two fists with machine guns, laser beams. | ||
| Didn't shoot the horses, though. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Amazing accuracy. | ||
| Very good. | ||
| Must have trained. | ||
| Yeah, he probably trained. | ||
| Didn't look like it, though. | ||
| Didn't look like he had real solid tactical training with the use of that, but that was that scene. | ||
| I always thought that would be a cool scene in a movie. | ||
| Dude, what are our lives? | ||
| We sit here and talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Talk shit. | |
| And everybody... | ||
| It's like, that's our jobs now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you just do stand-up at night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We just have our own fucking stupid radio shows. | ||
| Did you just do acid? | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You make ads. | ||
| You pay your rent off your fucking ads. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's way better than a job job. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| When people ask me why do I keep telling people to do it, that's why. | ||
| To do what? | ||
| To do podcasts. | ||
| And people, you told too many people to do podcasts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| So there's more choice? | ||
| You fucking elitist cunt. | ||
| Don't be silly. | ||
| Everybody should do this. | ||
| If you're listening to me and you're upset that I'm saying that, it's probably because you need to do your own podcast and you know I'm right. | ||
| That's just amazing. | ||
| Not everybody should do a podcast. | ||
| All right, well then shut up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't. | |
| Relax. | ||
| Not everybody should be, but a lot of people could. | ||
| A lot of people could. | ||
| It's a viable job option. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| It's a job option you can control yourself. | ||
| Just because you think everybody can fucking do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got lucky. | |
| You got in early. | ||
| All those things are true. | ||
| You won't be this big, but you'll still have a fun time. | ||
| Anything can happen. | ||
| You just sit around talking shit and you fucking record it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this is also a lot like the internet, and nobody saw this coming. | ||
| Nobody thought the biggest broadcast show was going to be something that someone just does on their own. | ||
| Yeah, uh-uh. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Look at these Logan Paul guys. | ||
| That guy just fought. | ||
| He had a boxing match that was the headline. | ||
| The one that found a dead body? | ||
| Yes, that guy. | ||
| It was the headline of an event at the Staples Center. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yes. | ||
| He fought? | ||
| Yes, on DAZN. Live streaming on DAZN. Whoa. | ||
| I bet a lot of people watched it too. | ||
| I wonder how many people watched that thing. | ||
| On DAZN? What does that mean? | ||
| DAZN, you know what that is? | ||
| It's a streaming app. | ||
| It has all the big major fights on it. | ||
| A lot of the big boxing matches like Tyson Fury's fights. | ||
| Is Canelo Alvarez on that, too? | ||
| I think he is. | ||
| There's a lot of top-level... | ||
| Andy Ruiz, the heavyweight champ, he's on that, too. | ||
| So all these guys, and it's like X amount per month. | ||
| I don't remember how much it costs, but you can watch the fights on your phone. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| All the Bellator fights. | ||
| You can watch all the Bellator fights on your phone. | ||
| But they have that with the USP, too. | ||
| UFC has that ESPN Plus app. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| And then they have some boxing matches, too. | ||
| That's cool if you watch those because then you could like, if you have to miss one, just tune in. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| Streaming is the shit. | ||
| I get home from a gig and if it's a UFC that I didn't see, as long as I stay the fuck away from my phone, I have no idea what happened. | ||
| I go home, plot my fucking feet up, watch the fights after the shows. | ||
| Oh, it's wonderful. | ||
| Dude, this, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This phone is great. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, you got a phone phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, you can watch so much stuff on this. | ||
| Oh, you can watch so much stuff. | ||
| The baseball playoffs? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You can watch everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I missed so much in five years. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Oh, what are these glasses? | ||
| 11,000 people watched the stream this way on this guy's glasses. | ||
| Off this guy's glasses? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Reflecting it onto Twitch or something like that. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Or YouTube, maybe. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to find the actual numbers. | ||
| I haven't found it yet. | ||
| 11,000? | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| What a crazy way to show a fight. | ||
| Does he get extra credit for that? | ||
| He gets coolness credit. | ||
| Coolness points. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| But... | ||
| Like, can he get in trouble for that? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, he's rebroadcasting. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that. | ||
| I know, but this is a whole art project. | ||
| I say it's fucking allowed. | ||
| Yeah, it's an interesting take. | ||
| He's making it new enough. | ||
| You're not really watching that for the actual action. | ||
| But you do want to see what happens. | ||
| Sure, that's part of the art project. | ||
| Yeah, but he's stealing. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| Artistic license. | ||
| What's next? | ||
| What do you see coming? | ||
| I think AGI glasses. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| AGR. Augmented reality. | ||
| AGR. Why don't I even make up that acronym? | ||
| Apple one just got pushed two years. | ||
| So they were rumored to come out recently sometime soon. | ||
| But yeah, they're just pushed to 2022 right now. | ||
| Oh, those silly people. | ||
| I don't know if it's for Siri specifically, but Alexa built-in glasses now. | ||
| They're like sunglasses that have all time built-in. | ||
| While you're wearing it, you can talk to Alexa. | ||
| That's too much. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck off. | |
| They need to take some Russian scientists, they need to bring them to Steve Jobs' grave, and bring them back to life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck off. | |
| We need to reinvigorate him, reanimate him, and have him run Apple again. | ||
| From the grave. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With no soul. | ||
| Just ruthless. | ||
| He was the best at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Demands! | |
| He was the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Demands! | |
| Innovation! | ||
| To some giant robot nuclear. | ||
| You can't record everybody. | ||
| It's fucking bullshit. | ||
| You can't have a fucking thing that's going to record you. | ||
| I can't decide that for people around me. | ||
| That should be totally illegal. | ||
| It should be bullshit, but it's going to happen. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| They almost did, man. | ||
| No one signed up for this. | ||
| We didn't sign up for this. | ||
| The rest of us didn't sign up for it, and we're still having to deal with it. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Do you remember those Google glasses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| And we were all like, fuck, take those off. | ||
| People got beat up. | ||
| They're like, get that shit out of here. | ||
| It's like having a cell phone in someone's face the whole time. | ||
| No one likes that. | ||
| Nobody likes that. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| And just people just have that all the time. | ||
| No one feels safe. | ||
| No, that should be illegal. | ||
| They should not let that be. | ||
| And no one could tell if you had it recording or not, right? | ||
| No, exactly! | ||
| And didn't sign up for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want to do it around your house, that's fine. | ||
| That shit should be illegal. | ||
| But what do you do if China, with their super dick dudes, all of a sudden has glasses? | ||
| If Huawei gets into the digital glasses company... | ||
| You do that over there. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| What if they bring him over here and we don't even know it because we're so fucking ignorant because we lost just like the stem cell race. | ||
| We got behind the curve. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That's always a good one that people like to say. | ||
| Well, we got behind the curve with the stem cells. | ||
| Joe, let's smoke some DMT. Right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I don't have any here, but... | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| That's not a thing to do to make a good podcast. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| No, it'd be 30 minutes of boring. | ||
| KSI vs. | ||
| Logan Paul had more pay-per-view buys than Anthony Joshua vs. | ||
| Andy Ruiz, said Eddie Hearn. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I'm reading it had about a million or maybe more. | ||
| That's a lot for a streaming service. | ||
| He has a lot of people coming. | ||
| Dude, that's a lot. | ||
| I didn't know that you'd get that many for a streaming service. | ||
| The thing is, so many people have these streaming services now. | ||
| So many people do. | ||
| This says 1.2 million. | ||
| That's a lot, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lot. | |
| That's huge. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| The first fight did that. | ||
| This one got more? | ||
| Wait, he fought twice, Logan Paul? | ||
| They did it a year ago. | ||
| It was an amateur fight that time. | ||
| And this was a professional fight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a professional six-round fight. | ||
| And it was the headliner of a card where Billy Joe Saunders fight. | ||
| Billy Joe Saunders is one of the best fighters in the world. | ||
| He's an elite fighter, world champion. | ||
| He defended his title on the undercard of two YouTube guys fighting. | ||
| Now, how much of an insult is that? | ||
| For him, I'm sure he's just like, I'm getting paid. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| I'm getting views too, more views. | ||
| It's good for him. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| So people can see what a killer he is. | ||
| It's all about the fucking dollar. | ||
| Nobody gives a shit about the art. | ||
| Dude, there are two YouTubers fighting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no art. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, there's some art to it, right? | ||
| It's a creation. | ||
| There's some drama. | ||
| A lot of shit's going down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'm saying the other guy is a fucking... | ||
| Billy Joe Saunders? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But for him, people don't know who he is. | ||
| You didn't know who he is. | ||
| I do not. | ||
| Now you do. | ||
| See? | ||
| It's like it's good. | ||
| I won't know tomorrow. | ||
| And he won by knockout. | ||
| He won by knockout. | ||
| So it was a good showcase for him. | ||
| He's a vicious boxer. | ||
| He should have challenged Logan Paul next. | ||
| Oh, he'll kill Logan Paul. | ||
| He should be like, I'm the winner of this fight. | ||
| You can't do that to that kid. | ||
| He'll make a lot more money. | ||
| No. | ||
| They're not the same weight class. | ||
| Billy Joe Saunders is like one or two. | ||
| I think he's light heavyweight. | ||
| What is he? | ||
| Is he super middleweight? | ||
| Google what he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds right. | |
| Can Billy Joe Saunders beat him with his right arm tied behind his back? | ||
| It wouldn't be fair at all. | ||
| It would be horrible. | ||
| But that guy's an elite world champion boxer. | ||
| And Logan Paul had one fight. | ||
| Splint on his leg, right arm tied behind his back. | ||
| He would still beat Logan Paul? | ||
| Someone did that. | ||
| Jason Ellis is so crazy. | ||
| He had a fight where... | ||
| Who did he do it with? | ||
| Shane Carwin. | ||
| Shane Carwin, that's right. | ||
| Oh my god, that makes it even more crazy. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Shane Carwin, who's one of the biggest punching heavyweights in the history of the fucking sport. | ||
| He made Shane Carwin tape his arm to his body. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| So he's got his right arm taped to his body and he's just blasted him with left hands. | ||
| And dude, Shane Carwin was a fucking murderer. | ||
| Brock Lesnar's prime. | ||
| A murderer, dude. | ||
| This is such a ridiculous idea for him to do this. | ||
| He's punching her so much lighter. | ||
| Dude, the guy's a giant. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He hasn't even really tried to hit him yet. | ||
| Dude, when I was taking jiu-jitsu in Boulder, I was on the mats. | ||
| He just got left. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| This is what I was talking about. | ||
| But that's all he needs, man. | ||
| He scooped him up for some reason at one point in time, just to joke around, to pick him up. | ||
| But when I was there, I was training at their jujitsu school, and this guy walked in there as his left hook. | ||
| Fucking terrible idea. | ||
| He's out. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Watch that punch again. | ||
| He's so big, man. | ||
| He's so big. | ||
| Back that up a little bit. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Oh, right on him. | ||
| He just kept trying until he got him. | ||
| He's so big. | ||
| There's a little bit of movement. | ||
| Separation. | ||
| He's just way too strong. | ||
| Way, way, way, way, way, way, way too strong. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Anyway, that guy walked in when I was doing jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I was rolling. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| I was like, is that a cartoon person? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| He was, at the time, he was probably close to 300 pounds. | ||
| He's so big it's ridiculous, dude. | ||
| He's got like body arms. | ||
| Like where your body is, that's his arms. | ||
| And for Ellis, he's so crazy to be willing to have a boxing match with that dude and get punched in the head by that guy. | ||
| That's his jackass roots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get it. | |
| He's a fighter with jackass roots. | ||
| Fuck all that noise. | ||
| You can get some never-ending headaches. | ||
| Would you fight now? | ||
| What I know? | ||
| No. | ||
| Are you listening to what I'm saying? | ||
| I know, but not one of those guys, but some other celebrities. | ||
| Dude, I know too many people that are having real problems with their head. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| A lot of fighters, like post-career, are having real struggles. | ||
| It's no joke, man. | ||
| You've got to know when to stop, and head injuries are... | ||
| What about headgear? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's worse. | |
| Headgear doesn't help. | ||
| Headgear makes your head like a bigger target. | ||
| It's easier to hit. | ||
| And then also, when you get hit, it's like an unnatural fulcrum. | ||
| All this fucking weight on your head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think the thing about it is you're trying to avoid cuts. | ||
| That's what headgear is good for. | ||
| It's good for you avoiding cuts. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But you can get fucked up with a punch or a kick wearing headgear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Big gloves help a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, big gloves. | ||
| You can still get your fucking brains rattled. | ||
| Tripoli and I talk about having a fight, but he won't fight me. | ||
| No, don't get your brains rattled, dude. | ||
| It won't be me. | ||
| I guess he's worried about himself. | ||
| About hurting himself? | ||
| Yeah, getting hurt. | ||
| Yeah, and his mom's worried about it too. | ||
| What are you trying to say? | ||
| Are you trying to talk shit? | ||
| Say his mom's worried about him? | ||
| No, I know his mom loves him and he's worried about him. | ||
| Because you're going to fuck him up? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah, I think that's overall why he's running away from the fight. | ||
| Yeah, if I had to guess for a reason. | ||
| I'm just trying to figure out what's going on. | ||
| I've been trying to fight him. | ||
| He won't fight me. | ||
| Why do you want to fight him? | ||
| You guys work together. | ||
| Yeah, I know, but we've been talking about this fight forever and he won't fight me. | ||
| Forever? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would do this. | ||
| I know you would. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Do you think you would fight high or sober? | ||
| Probably high. | ||
| Probably high is a good word. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I trained high all the time with Eddie. | ||
| He encouraged it. | ||
| Yeah, always. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Would you... | ||
| I might show mercy if I was high. | ||
| That'd be a negative. | ||
| Bare knuckle, you think? | ||
| I was not thinking about it. | ||
| I was thinking the big gloves, but that's definitely one way to go. | ||
| I don't think bare knuckle, no. | ||
| Bare knuckle. | ||
| Open hand like combat. | ||
| Slap fight. | ||
| Slap fight. | ||
| That's a good way to get poked in the eye. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Did Louis break his hand slap fighting Jay? | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| He broke his hand? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Where'd he hit him? | ||
| Jay's got a giant head. | ||
| Jay's got one super wide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got a super wide. | |
| Yeah, he's got big bones, that J. Yeah. | ||
| How was Legion of Skanks? | ||
| You went on, finally. | ||
| It was fun! | ||
| We were so high, though, dude. | ||
| And it was the day after Sober October was over. | ||
| Blitzkrieg'd. | ||
| And they kept rolling blunts and passing around. | ||
| And I had to pronounce some Russian names two hours later. | ||
| Oh, for the weigh-ins? | ||
| Yeah, we do the weigh-ins two hours later. | ||
| So this is them slap fighting? | ||
| Jeremiah. | ||
| Oh, him and Jeremiah? | ||
| That's when he broke his hand? | ||
| Oh, Jeremiah just lit him up. | ||
| Look how serious Jeremiah is. | ||
| Jeremiah changed his stance. | ||
| He knows how to use that fucking reach. | ||
| He goes for the block, too. | ||
| He goes backhanded. | ||
| Oh, he's toying with them. | ||
| He gets a good one at the end of the round too. | ||
| Dude, Jeremiah slapped him. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Lewis, when he fake boxes, he touches you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hits you way too hard. | |
| Where did Jeremiah learn how to box? | ||
| From fucking Catholic school, I think. | ||
| Street to Kansas somewhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For real? | ||
| He had to slap cattle on the fucking... | ||
| Where do you think he learned? | ||
| Lewis is outclassed by this 130-pounder. | ||
| He's bigger than that. | ||
| Oh, that's a good right hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lewis is 280. Dude, this is a slap fight. | |
| This is Tom's height. | ||
| This is a real slap fight. | ||
| This is a real slap fight. | ||
| Yeah, this isn't like some guy's playing silly. | ||
| Look at Dave Smith there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| He's saying no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| He said no he's not knocked out, but you got fucked up, Gomez. | ||
| He got cracked. | ||
| Oh, that's the kind of fighting that got your dad stabbed to death. | ||
| Legion of Skanks slapboxing. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| You can get KO'd slapboxing. | ||
| Don't get confused. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He just had a fight. | ||
| That was like a fight fight. | ||
| He flew out for this. | ||
| He flew out for a slapbox. | ||
| Wait, is this round two? | ||
| Are they going to round two? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I didn't know it was like this. | ||
| Keep going, please. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Why are you shutting this off? | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| Let it roll. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I mean, Lewis is so serious right now. | ||
| Well, what Jeremiah's doing... | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| What he's doing is he's waiting. | ||
| He's putting his hand out there, he's pawing, and Lewis throws these combinations, and Jeremiah's waiting. | ||
| He's catching them. | ||
| He's catching them as he's coming in. | ||
| Would you compare some to Anderson Silva a little bit? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| The way he's like baiting him. | ||
| Counterfighting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's counterfighting. | ||
| And he's also being very smart with his defense. | ||
| And Lewis got a little feel for that right hand. | ||
| A little worried about that right hand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He doesn't want it. | ||
| That thing's coming down. | ||
| It's a good... | ||
| He's got a good reach tactic, too. | ||
| He also keeps blocking on the side that Jeremiah's not touching him, which is... | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Lewis can't help but want to close his fist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, again, real close. | ||
| Jeremiah's circling. | ||
| That's a good move as well. | ||
| But Lewis is closing the distance. | ||
| He looks very angry. | ||
| He's serious. | ||
| He's going back to his roots. | ||
| He's getting very aggressive. | ||
| Jeremiah might be losing steam. | ||
| Oh, he's taking big reaches. | ||
| Is that the round over? | ||
| There's another round after this? | ||
| How is Jeremiah doing this? | ||
| Oh, keep it moving, please. | ||
| Let's see the next round. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So they just kept doing rounds. | ||
| Look, he's got his back turned and shit. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| These guys are... | ||
| I'm so glad these guys are alive. | ||
| They're so ridiculous. | ||
| They're pushing wild comedy. | ||
| Dude, I never go as far as I go on Legion of Skanks. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| It's just such an open environment for doing whatever. | ||
| Well, it's also in support of, like I said, wild comedy. | ||
| You need that. | ||
| You need that. | ||
| You need to balance things out. | ||
| Obviously, people love it. | ||
| Oh my god, Jeremiah is so lanky! | ||
| He's taking big, long swings. | ||
| Got him in the neck. | ||
| Lewis is relaxing a little bit more now, and he's starting to use some technique. | ||
| That was some nonsense right there. | ||
| It looked like he just punched him in the stomach. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He does. | |
| He looks like he's closing his fist every time. | ||
| He smacked him hard in the head with that right hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jab, jab, jab! | |
| Jab. | ||
| You can't jab and slap. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Jeremiah got him twice! | ||
| Yeah, you can slap. | ||
| I mean, you can jab. | ||
| Oh, Lewis just smacked him. | ||
| Lewis really? | ||
| Oh, he went to the body with a punch, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's punching. | |
| Dude, it seems like he's... | ||
| Is he slapping to the body? | ||
| He's punching to the body. | ||
| He can't help it. | ||
| He's an oaf. | ||
| He's uneducated, which is a lot of his problem. | ||
| He doesn't understand the concept. | ||
| What books would you recommend to him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What books would you recommend to him? | ||
| Timmy the Turtle plays soccer. | ||
| Oh, he just got lit up with that right hand. | ||
| Dude, he got lit up. | ||
| He got lit up. | ||
| Oh my God, Jeremiah's in the backtracking. | ||
| He's trying hard to come out. | ||
| Of course, the round is over and Louis is still punching. | ||
| What a fucking trash oaf. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Is that the end? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who won? | |
| I mean, he won that fight. | ||
| He's got Jeremiah on his heels. | ||
| Jeremiah won the first round. | ||
| Second round, I'd say it was a wash. | ||
| Well, definitely not. | ||
| I didn't judge it. | ||
| No. | ||
| People are saying, one more round? | ||
| Okay, what does this mean? | ||
| Jeremiah won. | ||
| Jeremiah takes it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I can see it. | ||
| It was all Who Room went to. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, listen, he did crack him with some big shots. | ||
| It was all based on round two. | ||
| And that was close. | ||
| He cracked him with some big shots. | ||
| Look at Jeremiah. | ||
| Slap boxing people. | ||
| That looks painful as fuck. | ||
| Like, his face is raw. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They might have to have a rematch. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Nobody wants that. | ||
| Just let me tell you something about slapping people in the face. | ||
| Slapping people in the face is open hands. | ||
| Open hands, hitting your eyeball, you're going to scratch your fucking eye, and you're going to have a real eye injury. | ||
| It does sound like a good technique. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not saying... | |
| I'm not saying don't do it. | ||
| It's a good strategy, Joe. | ||
| You do whatever you want, but I want you to know that open hand slapping and reaching like that, you just ask. | ||
| As someone who's seen probably 500 people get poked in the eye up close, you're going to get poked in the eye. | ||
| I'd agree. | ||
| That is the best way to incapacitate someone. | ||
| Don't do it, though. | ||
| And... | ||
| What? | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do that. | |
| No, don't. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do that. | |
| If you need to win... | ||
| Use this, like... | ||
| I like your technique. | ||
| ...block goggles. | ||
| There's little slits to block your eyes. | ||
| Is that good enough? | ||
| That's a good way to get those things whacked off your head... | ||
| Screw your nails out, too. | ||
| ...so you can't see. | ||
| And shave those. | ||
| Maybe if you had some eye goggles, like legit little welding goggles or some shit. | ||
| Some scuba goggles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| But that would be... | ||
| It would almost be worse for you because it would fuck with your peripheral. | ||
| If you didn't get used to slapping people... | ||
| When you have things on, that's one thing I always hated about headgear. | ||
| You put them on, you can't see things here and here good. | ||
| Your window of your field of view gets narrowed. | ||
| It becomes a problem when you get close. | ||
| You don't see where punchers are coming. | ||
| Because of goggles. | ||
| Yeah, headgear. | ||
| You don't see where kicks are coming. | ||
| You don't see things coming. | ||
| So I would think that would be the same thing with those goggles. | ||
| Yeah, what about swimmer's goggles? | ||
| I think they would still fuck with your peripheral. | ||
| All those things would fuck with your peripheral. | ||
| Yeah, no way. | ||
| You don't see anything coming. | ||
| But unless you trained with them on. | ||
| If you trained with them on, maybe you could do it. | ||
| You would get more used to it, but it still cuts you down. | ||
| They could also just touch your goggles with their face, and they would get their sweat all over your goggles, and then you wouldn't be able to see as good. | ||
| Another good technique. | ||
| They're both wearing goggles, so that's fair. | ||
| But they would both do that. | ||
| It would fuck you up. | ||
| You wouldn't be able to see that good. | ||
| You wouldn't see what's in front of you. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Let's just fight. | ||
| Let's just cut the shit and put some gloves on and fight. | ||
| If we're going to do that, if we're going to slap fight, let's just fight. | ||
| I want to be able to take you down and strangle you. | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
| Poking each other in the eye and smearing each other's fucking goggles. | ||
| Who do you think would have been in a just straight jiu-jitsu fight between you and Lewis? | ||
| Because he thinks him. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| He's watched over 100 UFC fights. | ||
| He's a big fellow, though. | ||
| He is so fat. | ||
| He'll probably get good at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a big, tough guy. | ||
| He could lay on you. | ||
| He needs to weigh 330. He's lost a little shitload of weight. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| He's lost over 20 pounds. | ||
| No, he's not that big. | ||
| Oh, thanks. | ||
| He's back. | ||
| He's ballooned. | ||
| Are you trying to start a fight with him now? | ||
| I am not. | ||
| I'm just saying he has ballooned. | ||
| I was guessing a high weight at Sodor Special. | ||
| When he taped it, I was like... | ||
| What'd you think? | ||
| I said, what are you, like 240? | ||
| And he goes, no, like 250. Okay. | ||
| I was like, I was guessing high. | ||
| I thought he'd be 220. Jesus. | ||
| That's a big fella. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he's big, period. | ||
| Like, if that guy just, you know, if he dieted down and got ripped, he's still 215, 220 pounds. | ||
| A big fella. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If he lost 45 pounds, he'd be 215. Is he that big? | ||
| That seems big, Coach. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Sometimes you, like, don't realize. | ||
| People just get, like, suddenly big. | ||
| What's with his glasses? | ||
| Why is he wearing yellow glasses everywhere? | ||
| Is that his new thing? | ||
| You know, some guys have a thing. | ||
| He's always looking for a thing. | ||
| Well, Big Jay took it from Dice, the weightlifting gloves. | ||
| That's Big Jay's homage. | ||
| People don't know that. | ||
| That's his homage to Dice Clay. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, the weightlifting gloves. | ||
| Big Jay's a giant Dice fan. | ||
| He loves them. | ||
| Giant Dice fan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who isn't? | ||
| Dude, I brought Dice to meet Jay on a roof party on July 4th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This year? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I think this year. | ||
| So a couple months ago? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Yeah, November. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds about right. | ||
| Could have been a year ago, but I think this year. | ||
| How funny is he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't even know. | |
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| It's time. | ||
| You know how it works. | ||
| But I was like, hey, come meet me. | ||
| My friend Jay wants to meet you. | ||
| And then we were just up on the roof. | ||
| He was like, Jay, can you meet somebody? | ||
| He was talking. | ||
| He was like, yeah, hang on. | ||
| I was like, no, just real quick. | ||
| And then he looked. | ||
| He was like, oh, wow. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we were going to do a podcast with him and Dice. | ||
| Really? | ||
| At that point in time. | ||
| But I don't remember what happened. | ||
| I probably dropped the ball. | ||
| Chef Kumia and Dice doing dice-offs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| They're friends, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're friends. | ||
| I know they had a thing for a while. | ||
| That's squashed. | ||
| That was one of the best feuds. | ||
| That's a good feud. | ||
| Oh, radio feuds? | ||
| Oh, radio feuds were great. | ||
| He would do radio feuds on purpose, but Dice would get into feuds on purpose. | ||
| On purpose? | ||
| Yeah, so much of it was like theater. | ||
| People don't know all the crazy shit he did. | ||
| He commits so hard. | ||
| Remember when he had those comics acting out some movie that he was filming with his VHS camera? | ||
| The never-ending Dice movie. | ||
| That he'd edit, by the way, he'd edit by like, say stop, and he'd rewind and press pause right there and start recording from there. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| You couldn't go back and edit. | ||
| No, he didn't have any software. | ||
| Forward, backwards, forward, backwards. | ||
| Oh, stop! | ||
| That guy's about to punch you. | ||
| Now you be mid-punch. | ||
| This is after he had sold out like, what, 300 stadiums? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He sold out arenas and stadiums all across the world. | ||
| I mean, he was a giant superstar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
After that, he's recording these fucking weird impromptu He made us have characters. | |
| Miles Jobbani would show up and he goes, you're the foreigner. | ||
| And every time you show up, I'm going to give you the evil eye. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, be the foreigner. | ||
| And then Miles was like, mm-hmm. | ||
| He'd have to look back at him. | ||
| We couldn't go on stage. | ||
| We'd have to do this dice thing. | ||
| I got to go on stage. | ||
| So I'm going to put up Sony Armstrong first. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Renazisi was Tower 2. Oh my god. | ||
| Maz was the foreigner. | ||
| He had me and Bobby, while we were fighting, he made us come into these and beat each other up. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| We would slam each other's heads against shit. | ||
| But in that way, he's very unique. | ||
| His son would choke you out. | ||
| Who would you say Dice is like? | ||
| If someone said, what's Dice like in real life? | ||
| I'd be like, what? | ||
| What is he like? | ||
| You don't know anybody like him. | ||
| Why am I telling you? | ||
| You have to meet him. | ||
| You can't understand it. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| He's wearing old Jewish lady sunglasses. | ||
| They're enormous. | ||
| The glasses are enormous. | ||
| Giant sweatshirt. | ||
| He gave up on dyeing his hair. | ||
| It's all gray now. | ||
| He slicks it back. | ||
| Yeah, the glasses are like the Elvis, not rhinestones, but the thick gold that goes back here to get shorter. | ||
| He's legit at the gym every day. | ||
| So he does a lot of videos from the gym because he does work out a lot still. | ||
| He has a term called in the cage. | ||
| Look at those fucking glasses! | ||
| Oh my god, that picture's amazing. | ||
| Just diamonds everywhere. | ||
| That picture's amazing. | ||
| Look at the one above it, the upper left. | ||
| That's just as good. | ||
| That's classic dice. | ||
| That's classic dice. | ||
| Me and Kumia and Jimmy and fuck, who else went with us? | ||
| Somebody else went with us. | ||
| I went with you once to the dice show in Vegas. | ||
| You were there too? | ||
| I think I went a different time than you guys went. | ||
| Oh man, we all went to the Riviera. | ||
| Before the Riviera closed, he was up in the upstairs room. | ||
| The large room? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, we had such a good time. | ||
| Look at those giant sideburns. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| Love them. | ||
| But it was such a funny... | ||
| Italian Wolverine. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| He shaved the thing down the bottom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is my new sideburns. | |
| Yeah, so he has all that. | ||
| He's always looking for a goof. | ||
| Just always. | ||
| Always. | ||
| He doesn't know what it will be yet, but he'll just like... | ||
| He gave somebody his phone number out on radio one day. | ||
| He was about to get a new phone, and so on radio he goes, Hey, my old phone number is... | ||
| He didn't say old phone number. | ||
| He goes, My phone number is this. | ||
| And he goes, give me a call. | ||
| I'll talk to you. | ||
| And people start talking to him and calling him. | ||
| He said, come to my car. | ||
| He turned it on. | ||
| As soon as he turned it on, it just starts ringing. | ||
| People are calling him nonstop. | ||
| They go, hello? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's me. | ||
|
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|
He got this one guy where he started calling the guy back. | |
| And then he started, like, bothering the guy. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He would call him at work. | ||
| And he'd be like, hello. | ||
| He's like, hey, it's just Andrew. | ||
| The guy's like, Dice, I can't. | ||
| After talking to him, his dream was to talk to Dice. | ||
| And now Dice is just calling him at work. | ||
| A week later, he's like, Dice, I'm at work right now. | ||
| I really can't. | ||
| He's like, so what kind of work you're doing right now? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Who's there? | ||
| Just bothering him. | ||
| Until the guy was, like, avoiding his call. | ||
| But the fact that that would be the thing that gets his gear spinning. | ||
| That would be it. | ||
| I know what I want to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would be what he wants to do. | ||
| He would either be the butt of the joke or he'd have somebody else watching him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Classic human. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And just love them all the time. | |
| And it's like, even to this day, he's still doing it. | ||
| If someone was in the back steps of the comedy store, and let's say you're a fan, but let's say you're standing straight up, and I'm two steps up. | ||
| He can't see, I don't think. | ||
| You got to focus? | ||
| Okay, so I'm two steps. | ||
| You're standing up, I'm standing up. | ||
| I'm two steps. | ||
| I'm on a step. | ||
| And you're like, oh, Dice, nice to meet you. | ||
| You do that. | ||
| Hey, Dice, nice to meet you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Nice to meet you, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just looks. | |
| Yeah, that's really good. | ||
| I just never looked down. | ||
| The guy's like, a big fan. | ||
| He's like, oh yeah, that's great. | ||
| Thanks a lot. | ||
| I just not come down, not look down. | ||
| He's like, oh, it's great. | ||
| It's always great to meet a fan. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| The guy's like, okay, sure. | ||
| I see ya. | ||
| And then he'd sit down and just ask if we saw that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| God. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a legit character. | ||
| He's always in it for the goof. | ||
| He's a legit character, right? | ||
| His message, I remember realizing at some point I didn't have to grow up in this business. | ||
| Like, I still had thoughts of, like, even though I'm not going to be a lawyer, but, like, that's still the direction I'm supposed to head, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You have to be distinguished? | ||
| Yeah, or something. | ||
| You have to change your behavior. | ||
| Yeah, like, it's going to happen. | ||
| I'm going to become an adult. | ||
| And then I heard, I called Dice, and his answering machine was, I'm like, dude, that's the guy in his mid-50s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I'm like, oh, maybe I don't have to grow up. | ||
| Maybe I could just be like fucking whatever. | ||
| The guy never changed. | ||
| I don't think you have to grow up. | ||
| I think people will put pressure on you because they have to grow up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| They're like, why don't you have to grow up? | ||
| Enablers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As long as you're paying your bills, as long as you're paying your taxes, as long as you're not a deadbeat dad. | ||
| Keep child abuse to a minimum. | ||
| You said that. | ||
| So you're not saying minimum? | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| As long as you're a good person, who gives a shit if you grow up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is happening? | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| We have a finite time here. | ||
| We're deciding we want people to behave in a certain way. | ||
| All you want people, just don't be an asshole. | ||
| Doesn't matter if you grow up or not grow up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These guys like Dice are having a great fucking time. | ||
| Ever see somebody like... | ||
| One day he's gonna die. | ||
| And I hope he dies in the middle of a prank. | ||
| And I hope people don't realize. | ||
| That way you make him happy. | ||
| Make him so happy. | ||
| Because I'm on stage dead and everyone just kept waiting. | ||
| What's the option? | ||
| What's option number two? | ||
| Nobody's living forever, folks. | ||
| It's not happening. | ||
| This is as good as it gets. | ||
| I will tell you, if Dice dies on stage, and you're a comic in the area, and at some point people start to realize, oh fuck, this is not a prank, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you get up there and realize he's dead, you should say, what? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And then stand up and be like, it's a fucking gag. | ||
| And then just leave it up there for a while longer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See how long you keep it going. | ||
| He would have wanted it that way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the best. | |
| He's just funny. | ||
| That's just a way to live. | ||
| He made Norton and Florentine introduce him like they go into a Subway sandwich shop and they'd be like, ladies and gentlemen, avert your eyes! | ||
| The legend is coming in! | ||
| And then he would like walk in to a Subway sandwich shop. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would be a great show. | ||
| You have just dice on the road and someone announces him like that everywhere he goes. | ||
| Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Peasants, please! | ||
| The legend! | ||
| Clear the floor! | ||
| He banned me from his house for a year once. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| I didn't do anything. | ||
| Did you dose his kids? | ||
| I did not dose his kids. | ||
| No? | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| Mostly, I'm scared of dice. | ||
| He said he had a gun in his desk drawer, and I was like, no, you don't. | ||
| No way. | ||
| You would never have him around your kids, because I do. | ||
| And he said he'd bet me $200. | ||
| And I'm like, you know I don't have $200, so I can't make that bet. | ||
| And he goes, all right, well, I do. | ||
| And then he's all left his thing and goes, don't look in there. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not going to look in there. | ||
| He goes, don't fucking look in there. | ||
| And I won't. | ||
| And then Freddie Soto, fucking fuckface Freddie Soto, told him, I was just in the office, told him that I went into his drawer. | ||
| He said I was rifling through his drawers. | ||
| And Dice's like, that's it. | ||
| It's a lie. | ||
| It was a lie by Freddie Soto. | ||
| And Dice's like, you're out. | ||
| You're banned from the house. | ||
| Couldn't go to barbecues anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was rifling through his affairs, which never happened. | ||
| Dice, I never did that. | ||
| I was in the room. | ||
| Why do you think Freddie did that? | ||
| Well, of course, because of that reason. | ||
| Because he got me banned. | ||
| He wanted to get you back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Why do you think Freddie would want to get you back? | ||
| I think he was jealous of my upbringing and how I had a foosball table at home. | ||
| And it always bothered him that he didn't have that growing up in Texas. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| I'm not sure. | ||
| But the point is, I never wrote through his affairs. | ||
| You know what Burt said once that was really freaky? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was high, too. | ||
| So don't. | ||
| Take this with a grain of salt. | ||
| Burt goes, I don't think you ever die. | ||
| I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| People die. | ||
| He goes, prove it. | ||
| You haven't died. | ||
| I don't think you die. | ||
| Prove it's a good one, though. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Prove it's a good, like, yeah, good point. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| Yeah, but what are you saying then? | ||
| Like, I've had enough people come on this podcast that have you semi-convinced that you're living in some sort of simulation. | ||
| What does he think happens? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| What do you think he thinks happens? | ||
| When he has seen bodies no longer have life in them, right? | ||
| Right, but that's not you. | ||
| It's not him. | ||
| So those people are all just the players? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what he's saying. | ||
| Is he saying he's the only thing in the universe? | ||
| I've heard that theory. | ||
| Or is he saying like none of us die? | ||
| What if everyone was the only person in their own universe, and everyone's universe intersects with other people's universes, and that you think that the universe you exist in is the same as the one that I exist in because we hang out together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the actual universe in your world is revolved around you. | ||
| And in your world... | ||
| Dun, dun, dun. | ||
| Mine revolves around me. | ||
| Can I pitch a movie real quick? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Once one guy realizes that he's in that, he's able to travel to other universes, has to kill the one person from each universe that's the real person. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Time travel. | ||
| Space travel. | ||
| And the one will find him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that a movie? | |
| Is that another movie from John Clark? | ||
| Not John Clark, but there's a movie coming out. | ||
| It's... | ||
| It's been made, I believe, or they're finishing it now. | ||
| It's coming out next year with Ryan Reynolds, where he plays an NPC character in a video game that realizes he's that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And, like, whatever hilarity ensues. | ||
| Oh, that's fine. | ||
| It's a comedy? | ||
| I don't know exactly. | ||
| No, it's serious. | ||
| It's an action comedy. | ||
| He plays an NPC, non-player character. | ||
| That's like the ultimate nerd diss, right? | ||
| They call someone an NPC? That means you're just, like, a dead-on. | ||
| Just, like, walking into a wall. | ||
| Yeah, just a guy pulling nails out of wood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By the way, if anyone makes that movie, you're welcome to. | ||
| We both give you permission. | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| We want tickets to the premiere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's all we want. | ||
| And say it's based on a conversation between Ari Shaffir and Joe Rogan. | ||
| The Joe Rogan experience. | ||
| And Ari Shaffir's taping of his new motherfucking comedy special will be February 8th. | ||
| New York, Manhattan, right near Washington Square Park at the Skirball Center. | ||
| And AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com for tickets. | ||
| I'll post it on my Twitter, my Instagram, and yeah, February, two shows. | ||
| I like how after all these years, you still are slurring your words together. | ||
| You've never bothered fixing that. | ||
| How have I made a living? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| We would joke around sometimes about you. | ||
| Especially when we do tag team, when you're introducing people, it's like you're fucking already done in your head. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to get out of there. | ||
| So you're rushing it out. | ||
| He's great, he's great, he's great. | ||
| I'll join words. | ||
| I'll make four into two. | ||
| Sometimes I'll get seven into three. | ||
| That's a punch drunk thing, too. | ||
| You think I'm punch drunk? | ||
| No, I don't think you are. | ||
| But that does happen. | ||
| I know you're not, in fact. | ||
| But some people who are, one of the things is they start slurring their words together. | ||
| You hear them talking like... | ||
| They all sound the same. | ||
| They start talking about... | ||
| Like they can't get their mouth to move as fast as their brain? | ||
| Something's wrong. | ||
| Shit's not firing right. | ||
| Brain damage, son. | ||
| That's what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| I know too many people that have been hit in the head. | ||
| It's just, after a while, man, and the thing is, you can retire now, and you start getting headaches like three, four years from now. | ||
| Depression might set in five, six years from now. | ||
| Seven, eight years from now, you might have memory issues. | ||
| It's not a simple, like, as soon as you're done, like, here you are right now. | ||
| Like, as if you stop fighting, like, right now, today, and you're like, I think I stopped fighting at a good time. | ||
| I got my faculties. | ||
| I'm all fine right now. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But maybe all the times you've been hit over those years leading up to that is going to start to kick in years from now. | ||
| That's why you see some fighters, they're fine when they retire, but then you see them 10 years after they retire and you can barely understand a word they're saying. | ||
| That's what's going on there. | ||
| That's when it's kicking in. | ||
| People die of heart disease like years after they stop doing coke. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Their hearts just got weaker. | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| I long for the day when they figure out how to revitalize brains. | ||
| When they figure out how to, whether it's through stem cells or something. | ||
| Snorting a stem cell? | ||
| Snorting it, yeah. | ||
| You have to suck one of those Chinese guys' giant monster dick, and that's where the best stem cells are? | ||
| That's in a rhino horn. | ||
| That was the only way to fix TBI. You had to suck a giant super person's dick. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We have a cure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have a cure. | |
| And also a catch. | ||
| We have shot it right into these monster cocks. | ||
| That would be the Chinese porn film with these guys. | ||
| That would be the debut. | ||
| The only way to cure brain damage would be you'd have to suck one of their cocks. | ||
| You'd get these old football players, their bad knees, suck these giant Chinese cocks. | ||
| And they're like, but what if sucking this cock, the act of it, gave me more depression? | ||
| And they're like, well, second treatment. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The cure is so good. | ||
| It's so yummy. | ||
| You're going to love it. | ||
| You're going to want to suck all the cocks. | ||
| It's like the first cock you suck. | ||
| You're not going to want to have only one cock in here. | ||
| What's hard is just going ahead and jumping the cue. | ||
| Just get in there and suck that cock. | ||
| The first one is the biggest one. | ||
| You're already a cocksucker. | ||
| What are you worried about? | ||
| Just suck to your heart's content. | ||
| Now he's happy because it tastes good. | ||
| The shame's gone. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it cures all of his brain damage. | ||
| Fixes his knees. | ||
| You would get treatments all the time. | ||
| Women like Botox women that are addicted to it, you would have that. | ||
| Imagine if that's where all of the best stem cells came from. | ||
| They came from a dude's dick. | ||
| And if you really wanted to get them, you've got to get them right from the tap because you can't have them in the air. | ||
| They die instantly. | ||
| So you've got to literally take it from the cock to your mouth. | ||
| Sorry, there's no other way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Jamie's like, I'd rather have brain damage. | ||
| Can I picture a movie? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Does it have to do with coxies? | ||
| Yes, it does. | ||
| It's a lot of that. | ||
| So, these Chinese guys are actually bred in a lab to make... | ||
| They're not out in the streets, but then they get... | ||
| But that's just to milk them for their fucking juice. | ||
| Juice. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Super sperm. | ||
| And they get out. | ||
| They get out. | ||
| One didn't lock the door. | ||
| Oh, they get out to the streets. | ||
| And then it's these monster guys. | ||
| And people want to kill them, but also, like, don't kill them! | ||
| We need their sperm. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's first they try to capture him alive. | ||
| They're also massive dudes. | ||
| And then people want to suck their dick. | ||
| So when they're about to be caught, maybe that'll have something to do with it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The cops in the backseat sucking his dick when they're arresting him. | ||
| That's how they'll get out a bunch. | ||
| I got a bad back. | ||
| Do you mind? | ||
| Before we go in there, do you mind? | ||
| No, it's okay. | ||
| So we suck you off real quick? | ||
| That would be the greatest fucking gay porno of all time. | ||
| Yeah, it would. | ||
| You'd have to really shoot it well. | ||
| A giant Superman, engineered Superman with a giant hard dick, and everybody wants to suck his dick because it cures all of your ailments. | ||
| Yeah, and he wants out to live his free life. | ||
| I've had a bad ACL since 86. It's too important. | ||
| You can't live free. | ||
| I'll suck it. | ||
| That's all you have to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you can bribe it. | |
| You can bribe any game. | ||
| I mean, it's great. | ||
| They've done research. | ||
| They know, but imagine if that was the only way you could get the best stem cells. | ||
| It was like Jesus touching you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's the growing of it. | ||
| He would constantly escape. | ||
| How much do you make a year, officer? | ||
| 50 grand? | ||
| What are you hurt? | ||
| You got stabbed in your once. | ||
| I can... | ||
| Let's just make it. | ||
| Just open your mouth. | ||
| I'll jerk off in it. | ||
| You don't even have to suck it. | ||
| Your wife's got the cancer. | ||
| Your wife's got cancer. | ||
| You can shotgun it from my... | ||
| She don't have to suck it. | ||
| You can shotgun it. | ||
| You can take it and then put it up. | ||
| I get why you wouldn't want her to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll tell you when. | |
| Just pretend you're sucking on your own thumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Close your throat. | |
| Ready, go! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Close your throat. | |
| Now spit it in her mouth. | ||
| Spit it in her mouth. | ||
| Swallow it! | ||
| Feel the healing. | ||
| Yeah, it can't hit air at all. | ||
| That's the catch. | ||
| Can't hit air. | ||
| You gotta make it airtight. | ||
| Someone has to plug your butt during those two. | ||
| At least with the toe. | ||
| How long before women have robot fuck dolls? | ||
| Once men have robot fuck dolls, how many years before women have them after that? | ||
| Well, I think it'll be when men allow the women to have it. | ||
| I don't think it's a good idea to let them have it. | ||
| They already have it. | ||
| They already have it. | ||
| They just don't have the body that goes with it. | ||
| They already have the best fuck things. | ||
| They have vibrators and giant dongs and purple dicks and shit. | ||
| You want hardness. | ||
| Men want softness, which is harder to replicate than hardness. | ||
| What are you, a chemist? | ||
| Some man would want something interesting that a woman would probably take advantage of. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Not all men want to... | ||
| How high are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what you're saying. | |
| What the fuck are you saying? | ||
| Some guy's gonna want something up his ass, basically. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure. | ||
| Some girl's gonna take eventually. | ||
| Yeah, but they can use... | ||
| Some girl's gonna take? | ||
| Oh, you're saying that's how they get it? | ||
| Commandeer that machine or that device. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| Be like, oh, it was made for a guy, but guess what? | ||
| It'll be a sext off a man, then the gays will be like, I'm a man, I want mine, and the women are like, can I use yours while you're not using it? | ||
| Right, right, so So if a gay guy has a fuck doll, then he... | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Like a massager's not for a massage. | ||
| It's for whatever girls use it for. | ||
| When the lesbian forecloses on the gay man's house for partying all day and not working, then she can use their fuck doll. | ||
| Yeah, industrious lesbian. | ||
| She goes, listen, Luther, you're a loser, but you got a good fuck doll. | ||
| Clean your up and bring it by my place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is this all part of the movie? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is how it ends. | ||
| It ends with a lesbian entrepreneur getting the fuck doll in payment for back rent. | ||
| This, I mean, we're about 50 years away from having indistinguishable, I just made that number up, but I'm pretty confident, indistinguishable human robots. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| I think it's about right, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right about when you and I are ready to kick the bucket. | ||
| We'll be walking. | ||
| There'll be robots hanging out at Starbucks. | ||
| And we'll go, that's not a real person. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah, this was already on my pad just when I walked in here. | ||
| So I believe you're correct. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You wrote that already? | ||
| Yeah, that was already on here. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| What were you just doing with your hand that made it look like writing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I don't remember saying that. | ||
| Yeah, I don't see a pen. | ||
| There's nothing over there. | ||
| No. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jew. | |
| February 8th. | ||
| February 8th. | ||
| Ari Shaffir Jew. | ||
| Tickets in New York City. | ||
| Tickets at AriTheGreat.com. | ||
| AriTheGreat.com, yeah. | ||
| Skeptic Tank. | ||
| It's been outstanding. | ||
| Dude, I'm sorry. | ||
| Excellent podcast. | ||
| We were trying to do a swap cast. | ||
| Yeah, we'll do another one. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're around. | ||
| I want to have you on. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to talk about poisonous things, but we got high. | ||
| We did. | ||
| That was the plan is to do this and then swap it. | ||
| We could swap this. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| We'll do another one. | ||
| We'll do another one. | ||
| We'll do it on things that scare you, right? | ||
| Yeah, those monsters. | ||
| That's shit you're always talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Things that can kill you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of shit that can kill you, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We could talk for days. | ||
| For days? | ||
| Yeah, we'll do it. | ||
| We'll do the next one. | ||
| We should do it in here because I would like to be able to call that shit up. | ||
| Yeah, we'll do it. | ||
| We'll do it again. | ||
| We'll do it again. | ||
| There you go, fuckers. | ||
| You get another podcast. | ||
| There you go. |
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