Oct. 29, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:59:52
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Two. | |
| One. | ||
| Hi, Andrew Santino. | ||
| What's up, Mr. Rogan? | ||
| This is great. | ||
| It's still sober, October? | ||
| Still sober. | ||
| You can have real drinks. | ||
| No, I'm not going to have real drinks. | ||
| I'm going to have this. | ||
| I'm going to have some of this. | ||
| Cheers, I'll have some of this. | ||
| It's good, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's pretty good. | ||
| I know you want to get fucked up, but you can't. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I'm not gonna, man. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I'm not gonna. | ||
| I need time for my stomach to clear out. | ||
| Do you think you could do Sober October? | ||
| No, you know I can't do that shit. | ||
| You can't do it? | ||
| No. | ||
| A month? | ||
| How about a week? | ||
| I could do Sober Week. | ||
| So you could do the first week of Sober October? | ||
| Yeah, I could do the first week. | ||
| Maybe like the first week this year, next year you do two weeks. | ||
| I could do a sober month, but October sucks for me. | ||
| It's my birthday in October, so I don't want to take it off, you know? | ||
| Also, I like drinking too much. | ||
| You like it a lot. | ||
| I can stop weed and anything else. | ||
| Not booze? | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| Do you want a drink? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| I got booze right over there? | ||
| No, my tummy's so sensitive still. | ||
| Yeah, you're all a mess. | ||
| Let's tell everybody what happened. | ||
| So, no offense to Hilarities, which is a great comedy club. | ||
| We stopped there Saturday night after our show in Cleveland. | ||
| We went over to say hi to our friend Jesse May Peluso, who was headlining there. | ||
| And what was the dude's name? | ||
| Andrew. | ||
| Andrew. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Funny guy. | ||
| Anyway, so we say hi to them and they graciously, the owners of the club, graciously asked if we were hungry. | ||
| We said, sure, we could eat. | ||
| They have a nice menu. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| So I had the prime rib. | ||
| It was excellent. | ||
| And you had a steak with some vegetables. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I had a bunch of vegetables on the side. | ||
| This is probably around midnight. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And then we get on a plane at like 6 in the morning. | ||
| We are flying back home. | ||
| And I pass out. | ||
| And then the lady wakes me up. | ||
| It's like a movie. | ||
| The lady wakes me up. | ||
| And I look over you. | ||
| You're like, dude, I'm not good. | ||
| I'm not good. | ||
| I'm not doing good. | ||
| What's the matter? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| We had walked through the airport cracking jokes like we always do. | ||
| Having a great old time. | ||
| Everything seemed normal. | ||
| He didn't seem sick at all. | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| He fell asleep. | ||
| Tell everybody what happened. | ||
| I fall asleep. | ||
| I woke up, like in Fight Club, when you're like, when he wakes up, he's like, on the plane, like my breath caught myself, and I sprinted to the bathroom, and I was like, so out of it, and I think the head rush had got me all fucked up, and I sat down, and I blacked out and passed out for a second, and I woke up, and I'm throwing up. | ||
| I mean, I am hurling, dude. | ||
| You woke up throwing up. | ||
| Throwing up, just... | ||
| As I wake up, I'm spitting. | ||
| And I'm like holding on to the sides. | ||
| Like, I can't believe what's... | ||
| Like, I'm so disoriented. | ||
| And I walk out and I grab the flight attendant and I was like, is there a doctor on the plane? | ||
| Like, something's fucking wrong. | ||
| Like, I don't feel good. | ||
| And right then my stomach was like burbling again. | ||
| And she's like, oh my god, you're like pale as a fucking ghost. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| You're always pale as a ghost. | ||
| I'm like, I'm like this bitch. | ||
| This is what I look like. | ||
| He's a ginger. | ||
| She goes, go sit down. | ||
| I'll get somebody. | ||
| This nurse was on there. | ||
| This guy Garrett. | ||
| Super nice. | ||
| And he asked... | ||
| He was right in front of us. | ||
| Like a row up. | ||
| And he asked to switch seats with Joe, and he sat with me, and I was hurling, dude. | ||
| Dude, for the first time in my life, I puked in those bags. | ||
| You know when you're like, nobody pukes in those fucking bags? | ||
| I did it. | ||
| I watched you. | ||
| I puked in that fucking bag like three times. | ||
| And then he saw undigested food in there. | ||
| Tons of undigested food in there. | ||
| And I was pretty sure it was food poisoning, because I've had food poisoning before, and sometimes it comes on pretty quick. | ||
| You knocked it on the nose. | ||
| Well, that's what he thought it was, too. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| He was asking me, he's like, what did you have last night? | ||
| I said, I had two drinks at the show, and I had a couple of beers after with Jessamay and her friend... | ||
| And he was like, did you take any street drugs? | ||
| Yeah, that's what he said. | ||
| He said street drugs. | ||
| Did you take any back alley drugs? | ||
| I said, no, man. | ||
| I swear to God, he thought I was lying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about ditch? | |
| Any ditch drugs? | ||
| Any ditch drugs? | ||
| Any forest drugs? | ||
| Any sewer shit? | ||
| So I told him the truth. | ||
| I said, dude, I didn't take any drugs last night. | ||
| And he was like, okay. | ||
| And when he told me, he looked in there and he goes, oh, you have undigested food, which means your body's rejecting it without processing it. | ||
| So it must be, you got a bug of some kind. | ||
| Because, dude, when I grabbed you and I go, bro, something's wrong. | ||
| Like, this is not... | ||
| It was very nerve-wracking because I was out of it. | ||
| Yeah, you were totally asleep. | ||
| I passed out. | ||
| And I was so confused. | ||
| I was like, how? | ||
| But you were okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like, did he have a stroke? | ||
| Dude, it was creepy. | ||
| I felt for a second in the bathroom like something medically was really, really wrong. | ||
| My instinct was, oh, I must be like sick or something's wrong. | ||
| But then when I kept like having this urge to yarg, I was like, mm-mm, something's really going on. | ||
| I was assuming that it was the vegetables because a lot of times people get it from poorly handled salad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People get- It was bad. | ||
| If they don't wash the leaves and everything real good, people can get food poisoning from salad. | ||
| It's apparently one of the most common ways people get food poisoning. | ||
| Was from salad and shit? | ||
| From salad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, dude, it was just, you know. | ||
| And the guy was so nice. | ||
| He sat with me the whole time, but he could tell. | ||
| He was like, are you doing okay? | ||
| And every couple of minutes, I'd feel like I had to throw... | ||
| When water can't stay down, I think that's the key when you're like chugging water, chugging water. | ||
| He's like, don't chug too fast. | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
| He's like, because... | ||
| And then I'm just like... | ||
| He's like, because of that, bro. | ||
| Fucking puking up water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the old red feels fine. | ||
| I feel fine now. | ||
| That fucked me up bad. | ||
| And it's five hours from Cleveland, so it wasn't a quick jump. | ||
| Food poisoning is sketchy. | ||
| It's a weird feeling. | ||
| It sucks, dude. | ||
| It was awful, man. | ||
| I've had it four or five times in my life, and it's never good. | ||
| That's the second time. | ||
| The first time I had it was in college. | ||
| It was the worst thing ever. | ||
| It was way worse. | ||
| This was both ends. | ||
| This is when your mouth and back door. | ||
| When you're... | ||
| It's like a cartoon. | ||
| I had it in college from movie theater popcorn. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's real shit. | ||
| Movie theater popcorn gave you food points. | ||
| Here's how we knew. | ||
| Me and this other dude, we had totally different meals all day and this other friend of ours too. | ||
| And long story short, whatever, we both woke up sick the same time, like in the middle of the night. | ||
| And we had asked when I went to the doctor finally the next day, because I was sick all day, and the doctor was like, what'd you eat? | ||
| I detailed it and he goes, oh yeah, sometimes the butter can be spoiled or rotten. | ||
| Oh, actual butter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Maybe that's why they use that fake-ass butter. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| What is that fake-ass butter made out of? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| What the fuck is movie popcorn theater butter made out of if it's not real butter? | ||
| Because most places don't have real butter. | ||
| Jamie's laughing at my sicknesses. | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| Movie popcorn. | ||
| What do you think it is? | ||
| It's got to be some weird vegetable oil. | ||
| Some sort of canola oil or something. | ||
| Yeah, let's see. | ||
| What a nasty shit. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Butter flavored oil. | ||
| Butter flavored oil. | ||
| I can't believe it's not butter. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Margarine. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| Do you know how bad that stuff is for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trash. | |
| People used to think margarine's the way to go. | ||
| Like, butter's terrible for you. | ||
| Have some margarine. | ||
| Margarine's non-dairy. | ||
| To me, it was fucking horrible for you. | ||
| But all processed oils? | ||
| You know what they're finding out from those fake meat burgers? | ||
| The impossible burger. | ||
| They fed them to rats and they're giving them liver cancer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Pull up what the study was. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| One of those, Beyond Meat or Impossible Meat or Not Really Meat, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not meat, but looks like meat. | ||
| We're trying to make it look like meat. | ||
| It's processed oils. | ||
| With grill marks on it? | ||
| Why do they do that shit? | ||
| The weird shit, it's mostly oils. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like oils from vegetables. | ||
| It's It's very strange. | ||
| A lot of soy and shit like that. | ||
| Those processed vegetable oils are terrible for you. | ||
| You know what's good for you? | ||
| Olive oil. | ||
| That's a good vegetable oil. | ||
| Avocado oil is good for you. | ||
| But all that other shit, like canola and... | ||
| All that stuff's fucking terrible for you. | ||
| This is my question. | ||
| Is it because it's not naturally occurring? | ||
| Rat feeding studies suggest the impossible burger may not be safe to eat. | ||
| Scroll down. | ||
| This is GMO science. | ||
| It says, hold on a second. | ||
| Make that a little harder. | ||
| Rats fed... | ||
| Rats... | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What's going on with your foot? | ||
| I'm trying to make it bigger and it's just going up. | ||
| Rats... | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Stop moving. | ||
| Go back. | ||
| Jesus, Jamie. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Go back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go back. | |
| It's on back. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Rats fed the genetic... | ||
| No, the fucking text there, buddy. | ||
| Rats fed the genetically modified yeast-derived protein soy... | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Say that word. | ||
| Lagomoglobin. | ||
| Le Hig McGlobin. | ||
| Le Hig McGlobin. | ||
| It sounds like an Irishman. | ||
| Danny McGlobin. | ||
| Oh, Danny. | ||
| Danny McGlobin. | ||
| He's a good boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is Danny McGlobin. | |
| The burger's key ingredient developed unexplained changes in weight gain and significant signs of toxicity. | ||
| And signs of toxicity. | ||
| Why did I put the word significant in there? | ||
| It wasn't even there. | ||
| It felt right. | ||
| It did. | ||
| I'm an editor. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Unexplained changes in weight gain and signs of toxicity. | ||
| And it said the Impossible Burger is a plant-based burger. | ||
| The key ingredient, which is a protein called soy lehegmoglobin SLH, derived from genetically modified yeast. | ||
| A rat feeding study commissioned by the manufacturer Impossible Foods found that rats fed SL each developed unexplained changes in weight gain as well as changes in the blood that can indicate that the onset of inflammation or kidney disease as well as possible signs of anemia. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, Impossible Foods dismissed these statistically significant effects as non-adverse or having no toxological relevance. | ||
| It's so funny you can just dismiss things. | ||
| They did a real study and they're like, not real. | ||
| Well, they're dismissing it because it's not convenient. | ||
| It's real simple. | ||
| I mean, you do rat studies doesn't necessarily mean it transfers to people. | ||
| But that stuff isn't... | ||
| Okay, what's the ingredients? | ||
| Let's find out what the fucking ingredients are and how they make it. | ||
| Because that's not the only thing that I've read. | ||
| I've read things by actual nutritionists that are saying, look, you want to be on a plant-based diet? | ||
| You should eat real foods. | ||
| You can eat healthy on a plant-based diet. | ||
| You can eat... | ||
| Real vegetables and avocado and, you know, there's plenty of good stuff to eat. | ||
| Coconut oils. | ||
| All this stuff is healthy for you. | ||
| But when you start making shit look like meat, that's when shit gets squirrely because you're finding all kinds of... | ||
| They're adding all sorts of processed food. | ||
| Why'd you take that off the screen? | ||
| I don't want to be distracting while you're talking. | ||
| Oh, no, that's okay. | ||
| So what the fuck is in there? | ||
| Top five ingredients. | ||
| Calories. | ||
| A four-ounce serving, which is pretty skimpy, clocks in at 240 calories. | ||
| That's in the range of a beef burger, depending on fat content. | ||
| Cholesterol. | ||
| The Impossible contains no cholesterol. | ||
| To compare, a regular beef patty contains about 80 milligrams. | ||
| Scroll up. | ||
| Scroll up, scroll up, scroll up, scroll up. | ||
| Fat. | ||
| 14 grams includes 8 grams of saturated fat, which is generally considered less healthy than unsaturated fat. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| It's entirely dependent upon the source, and it's entirely dependent upon how you're eating, like what you're eating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The idea that saturated fat is bad for you. | ||
| This has all been debunked. | ||
| This is comparable to a beef burger, mostly due to the coconut oil, which is healthy for you fuckers. | ||
| This year the Impossible replaced a portion of the coconut oil, which is the highest in saturated fat. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| With sunflower oil, which is way shittier for you, which is an unsaturated fat. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| You know, talking to nutritionists on this podcast has been so enlightening, but so confusing when you see the way that people still want to eat low-fat. | ||
| They don't understand. | ||
| Fats are important. | ||
| Your body fucking needs them. | ||
| They're good for your brain. | ||
| They're good for... | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Omega-3s, Omega-6s. | ||
| That was the revolution of, like I remember as a kid, everything became, in like the late 80s and 90s, everything was lower fat, but it was higher sugar content, right? | ||
| So it was just like, less fat, less fat, but they were just increasing the sugar. | ||
| It was like 1% milk. | ||
| That's the biggest joke. | ||
| Right, they put sugar in it. | ||
| Less fat. | ||
| Yeah, but they substituted it with tons of fucking sugar. | ||
| Because it tastes terrible. | ||
| Yeah, it tastes like shit without the fat. | ||
| All those monsters that put low-fat milk in their coffee, who the fuck? | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| Piece of shit. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| They're tricked. | ||
| They got tricked. | ||
| They got tricked by this idea that you're supposed to have low fat. | ||
| Pull up something. | ||
| Is the Impossible Burger healthy? | ||
| Is it healthy? | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| That article obviously was siding with the Impossible Burger because they cited four items and it was like soy protein, coconut, and something else. | ||
| They don't really tell you how the process is that they make those. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| They won't say... | ||
| Well, here's how we derive these things and fucking process them. | ||
| I was going to say, before I even look this up, I don't think that they're even marketing as being healthier. | ||
| It's just an alternative for meat for people that really still want to eat it. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| But is it healthy for you? | ||
| I don't think they're even bothering. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably less healthy for you than a fucking McDonald's cheeseburger, which is barely meat anyway. | ||
| Not meat. | ||
| I mean, right, they did all those studies about Taco Bell meat, and they were like, fucking barely meat. | ||
| Taco Bell meat has, they have an acceptable amount of filler. | ||
| That they're allowed to have. | ||
| It's just nonsense. | ||
| It's some nutty number. | ||
| Like, pull out. | ||
| What's the acceptable number of Taco Bell filter? | ||
| I had a friend that worked at a fast food restaurant I'm not going to name, and their graded meat was like G, I believe. | ||
| It was G-grade, which is lower than dog food or something like that. | ||
| But, like, shit still tasted okay. | ||
| I mean, but... | ||
| If you're hungry, you'll shove it down your fucking maw. | ||
| You fucking need it. | ||
| Did you see what happened at this World Series game the other day? | ||
| Did you see the news? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They introduced Trump and the First Lady and they got booed. | ||
| Do you know this? | ||
| Yeah, it's going around last night. | ||
| There's two different versions of the story I saw. | ||
| CNN was saying that they were yelling out, lock her up. | ||
| I didn't hear that. | ||
| I just saw the blue clip. | ||
| Another thing was saying they were saying lock him up. | ||
| Yeah, I saw it lock him up. | ||
| I think it was lock him up is what they were chanting. | ||
| But CNN had it where they were saying people were chanting lock her up. | ||
| I just said the other thing too is he was generally the president throws out the first pitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he didn't do that because he's already thrown one out somewhere and it didn't look very good. | ||
| Unathletic fuck. | ||
| You want to talk about those? | ||
| We got some clips in the vault of people that can't throw baseballs on the first pitch. | ||
| Oh, you mean Judd Apatow? | ||
| It's my favorite fucking clip. | ||
| Him and Gary Delabate. | ||
| Him, 50 Cent. | ||
| There's a few people that have fucking... | ||
| No, I can't right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm good. | |
| What, your stomach? | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to fucking... | ||
| I don't want to fuck with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Is it that bad, bro? | ||
| It's fine, but I don't want to... | ||
| I don't want to dance on the edge. | ||
| Did you see what I tweeted? | ||
| I tweeted this morning, Burr and... | ||
| I typed in lock her up. | ||
| It's just putting back lock him up. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Burr and Kreischer have a podcast now called Bill and Burt Podcast. | ||
| And I made fun of them. | ||
| You should pull up the image for it because they have a cigar and a glass of whiskey in their icon. | ||
| But I go, what is up with this cigar dick you guys got as your fucking image? | ||
| Look at this thing. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| What's up with that cigar cock? | ||
| I go, you gotta get someone to reanimate that, bro. | ||
| That is a weird-looking cigar. | ||
| That looks like a dick for sure. | ||
| It looks like a fucking dick, dude. | ||
| Why is it all rounded off at the tip? | ||
| That's what I said, dude. | ||
| The Bill Burt Podcast. | ||
| All those people, whoever you're hiring at All Things Comedy, pay them some real money. | ||
| They're mad at you. | ||
| They're mad at you and they're making things look like dicks. | ||
| These guys are dicks. | ||
| Wait, so what did it say? | ||
| Did it say lock him up or lock her up? | ||
| It was lock him up, right? | ||
| Lock him up is what I was saying, yeah. | ||
| They booed the president. | ||
| Has that ever happened at a fucking baseball game? | ||
| No, people are very riled up. | ||
| Man, they love you. | ||
| Well, here was the other thing. | ||
| I saw they had a Connected Thing article that I was reading with that that said 51% of America is pro-impeachment. | ||
| But I was like, where does that fucking poll come from? | ||
| Yeah, did they ask you? | ||
| No. | ||
| They didn't ask me either. | ||
| Yeah, so who the fuck said it? | ||
| All those polls. | ||
| Here's the problem with polls. | ||
| The only people that answer polls are assholes. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| If they call you up and go, hey, Cheeto, what do you think about this? | ||
| You go, this is what I think. | ||
| Don't call me. | ||
| Yeah, leave me the fuck alone. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Can you see who conducted that poll, that nonsense, the impeachment poll? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm glad you called because I have some very relevant opinions about this impeachment. | |
| If we go back to Nixon, if you really pay attention to the Nixon administration, it's arguable that Trump has been more egregious with his breaking of the Constitution. | ||
| I'm so exhausted. | ||
| I wish there was no issues. | ||
| This is what I wish. | ||
| I wish there was no one trying to steal. | ||
| There was no one trying to cheat on their taxes. | ||
| Kill. | ||
| Everybody was just doing their best and helping each other out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a nice, small, healthy, vibrant community of people supporting each other. | ||
| Fox News poll. | ||
| 51% of voters favor impeachment and removing President Trump from office. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| That's a Fox poll. | ||
| When Fox says that? | ||
| Yeah, that's fuck. | ||
| In July, it was 42%. | ||
| But I'm saying, from where? | ||
| I need to know where those come from. | ||
| Wow, but look at that. | ||
| Impeached but not removed in July was 5%, and now it's 4%. | ||
| Now most people favor him being removed. | ||
| Again, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who are these people? | |
| Sometimes there's good stuff at sporting events. | ||
| So the other funny thing that happened was those girls showed their tits. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| That was hilarious. | ||
| These two girls are behind home plate and they're both flashing their tits. | ||
| They both got banned from Major League Baseball for life. | ||
| And she tweeted and she was like, worth it. | ||
| It is worth it. | ||
| It's awesome, too. | ||
| Sure, she's insta-famous now. | ||
| Yeah, to her and this other girlfriend of hers, I think somebody told me they're starting a smut magazine or something, and that was their promo. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| Get a nice broad sponsorship. | ||
| This is their promoting breast... | ||
| Cancer awareness? | ||
| Yeah, somebody said they started a magazine or something, though. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| That they got a company on the rise. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| Yeah, they show their tits behind home plate. | ||
| How many girls make a living just showing their body to, like, Patreon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Instagram is all dancing on the line of legal picture prostitution. | ||
| Well, the best case of it is Twitter. | ||
| Because Twitter, they allow you, you can take it in the ass on Twitter. | ||
| There's a lot of gals that I have to be real careful if I hand my kids one of my phones, they don't open up that fucking Twitter app. | ||
| Because in the feed... | ||
| Daddy, somebody messaged you. | ||
| There's dirty, dirty girls. | ||
| Yeah, there's filthy. | ||
| Take it right in the keystone. | ||
| Well, I love that Twitter doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| That's my favorite part about Twitter. | ||
| They couldn't care less. | ||
| They're like, go for it. | ||
| Well, here's what I love about them. | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan. | ||
| When he did that animated thing with Michael Jackson, did you ever see that? | ||
| Yeah, I saw it. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Instagram pulled it down. | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan, the funniest fucking guy on Instagram. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They pulled it off of Instagram, but Twitter did not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shout out to Twitter for that. | ||
| Yeah, hardcore Twitter. | ||
| Cool for that shit. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| What'd you show me? | ||
| It's the Patreon website. | ||
| It's called OnlyFans that some of those people use. | ||
| Not everyone, but this is showing some of the numbers that they've already been paying out. | ||
| 8 million registered users? | ||
| 70,000 content creators? | ||
| Paid out to creators, $150 million. | ||
| Paid out to referrers, $3 million. | ||
| Referrers? | ||
| So you, Cheeto? | ||
| You could refer? | ||
| I think if I refer, I get a kick. | ||
| You get a kick? | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| $3 million? | ||
| 5%. | ||
| 5% commission on all referrals. | ||
| Pay-per-view messaging and tips. | ||
| Live streaming feature. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| See, who could have a problem with that? | ||
| If you don't have a problem with people being naked, I don't. | ||
| You don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| If you don't have a problem with people taking naked pictures, I don't. | ||
| You don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Who would have a problem with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not at all. | |
| That seems like the best alternative to prostitution for a lot of these gals. | ||
| I think, in the world of sex work, I think that makes the most sense because this is a legit, protected, legal way for them to go, hey, do you want to see me get naked at my house? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Give me some fucking money and I'll do it. | ||
| Yeah, and no one should really have a problem with it. | ||
| What could be the debatable problem with it? | ||
| Smut. | ||
| People that think it's eroding the fabric of our society. | ||
| The Westboro Baptist Church, man. | ||
| I think Kanye West would have an issue with it. | ||
| He doesn't like porn anymore. | ||
| Well, he doesn't like cuss words now, too. | ||
| Yeah, he's done with that. | ||
| No cuss words now on the albums. | ||
| Well, he's starting a new cult. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| It's clear. | ||
| He's on his way. | ||
| It's probably going to be huge. | ||
| You think it's going to be like a Scientology-sized thing at some point? | ||
| Where it's going to be like people go to a place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If he wants it to be. | |
| I mean, it seems like he's doing it for free, though. | ||
| You know, I mean, he's got a shit ton of money, and so does his gal. | ||
| Yeah, but he likes business opportunities. | ||
| He does, but I mean, I think it probably opens up the doors for his other businesses, like his Yeezys and his clothes and all that shit. | ||
| That merch wasn't free. | ||
| The show was free. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| It opens up the opportunities for that stuff. | ||
| So he does the show, and then people are like, you know, what do I have to do to be in the cult? | ||
| Give yourself a pair of 11 Yeezys. | ||
| Just gotta show up with Yeezys. | ||
| We'll let you in. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| You buy your way in. | ||
| You'd get in. | ||
| You love that shit. | ||
| I could get a few people in, I think. | ||
| You support all that shit so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You love it. | |
| It's kind of easy to start a cult these days. | ||
| It really kind of is. | ||
| Well, there's so many of them now. | ||
| There's so many semi-cults. | ||
| There's people that have followings. | ||
| Somebody could argue this is a cult, though. | ||
| People could argue that you've cultivated a cult. | ||
| You could argue that. | ||
| However, there's absolutely no membership rituals. | ||
| You do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| No one's calling it a cult. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Some people call it a cult. | ||
| They'll say, hey, this is Santino Nation. | ||
| People do stuff like that. | ||
| This is a nation. | ||
| They'll use their name and they'll say nation. | ||
| Which is, woo, our army. | ||
| This is the Santino army. | ||
| You're part of the Santino army? | ||
| Yeah, we're on this together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're in. | |
| Very suspect. | ||
| We'll do whatever he says. | ||
| Very, very suspect thinking. | ||
| Like that kind of shit. | ||
| Well, it just gives weight. | ||
| People obey people's word a little bit too much without knowing shit. | ||
| So they just are like, it's something to hold on to. | ||
| So maybe if their lives are shitty and dull and boring, they hear something and they're like, I agree with a good amount of that. | ||
| And then they fucking latch on to it. | ||
| That's where it gets scary. | ||
| Because then people can convince you to do anything. | ||
| We were talking about those guys, uh... | ||
| The Proud Boy shit. | ||
| We were talking about that this weekend. | ||
| If you start a group, the thing about groups is you're now... | ||
| Say if you're the leader, let's say you start the Red Boys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Ginge Boys. | ||
| You're the leader. | ||
| You're the founder and the leader of the Red Boys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you just let any ginger in the group... | ||
| There's a lot of wacky gingers out there, just like there's wacky people. | ||
| And when people join groups and you start this group and they're saying, I'm acting as one of the red boys, well, you're now sort of in some way connected to whatever the fuck they do. | ||
| So if they decide to get radicalized and do a bunch of really fucked up things, you know, and go after people who don't have red hair or whatever the fuck they decide to do, you're now at least somehow connected to them. | ||
| Yeah, because I started the shit. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I mean, that's... | ||
| Yeah, that's creepy, though. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's fucking groups of people. | ||
| There's too many... | ||
| But I think the influence online is what's creepy to me. | ||
| People can... | ||
| You know, people... | ||
| Remember meetups? | ||
| Meetups have somewhat gone away. | ||
| But at one point, people were doing these meetups where kids were famous on Instagram. | ||
| They just loved the idea of being like, come meet me at this park at 12. And fucking thousands of people would go. | ||
| Well, you see what Kevin Hart used to do? | ||
| Used to have people run with him? | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, meet me, and we're gonna run a 5K. Shut up. | ||
| Would he do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, man. | |
| That's insane. | ||
| Tons of strangers. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Nah, so stupid. | ||
| You've never seen it? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Why would he do that? | ||
| Say if he got a video of it, Kevin Hart, he would do it at shows. | ||
| Like, say if he would show up in Milwaukee or whatever, and he had a concert he was doing there, he would set up, like, a 5K, and they would all run. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Well, he's a positive guy and he's trying to promote positive things like health and fitness and just getting active. | ||
| You could do that without inviting people to run with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I don't want anybody fucking running with me. | ||
| Well, you don't run anyway. | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| How often? | ||
| Every two or three days. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where do you run? | ||
| In the neighborhood. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| I run a minimum of four, but an average of like maybe five or six. | ||
| I don't go near eight. | ||
| You're a silent runner. | ||
| You don't tell anybody. | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| I do everything silent. | ||
| Kevin Hart running by a lake. | ||
| That's a beautiful lake. | ||
| Where is that, Jamie? | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's cool. | ||
| Is it D.C.? Look at all those people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| Everybody seems so happy. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| See, they're all healthy, running. | ||
| That girl at the bottom right, I don't think she's running. | ||
| No, I want to know how many people were there that didn't run. | ||
| That were just like, we showed up! | ||
| Most of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But look at that. | ||
| That's a positive thing right there. | ||
| Nike gave him a fat check for this. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| This is all Nike. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Oh, there's a Nike logo up there. | ||
| This is Nike.com. | ||
| Yeah, this is all Nike, dude. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| This is some executive at Nike. | ||
| Now I'm not so excited. | ||
| Someone goes, Kev, we got the idea. | ||
| Forget about it. | ||
| Look, he's a businessman and he's positive on top of it. | ||
| I want to show you something. | ||
| I saw this on the toilet this morning. | ||
| Look at how crazy this is. | ||
| This guy, you can look this up. | ||
| This guy, a cop pulled him over, thought he was drunk. | ||
| And he blew, and it turns out he was brewing beer in his own stomach. | ||
| Yes, I heard about this guy. | ||
| I thought of you this morning. | ||
| He's growing alcohol in his own body. | ||
| It's a rare syndrome called auto-brewing something. | ||
| You have to look it up. | ||
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| No one believed him when he said he hadn't been drinking. | ||
| Then researchers found his body was producing alcohol. | ||
| That guy on the right, it looks like his body's producing alcohol. | ||
| Yeah, right now. | ||
| Swollen. | ||
| Taking shots. | ||
| Interesting, man. | ||
| Researchers at Richmond University Medical Center in New York eventually discovered that the man was telling the truth. | ||
| He wasn't downing beers or cocktails. | ||
| Instead, there was yeast in his gut that was likely converting carbohydrates in the food he ate to alcohol. | ||
| In other words, his body was brewing beer. | ||
| That's fuck- auto-brewery syndrome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Auto-brewery syndrome. | ||
| Is that common? | ||
| ABS. No, there's gut fermentation syndrome. | ||
| How many fucking people have that? | ||
| I've never heard of it before. | ||
| That's another lady two years, three years ago? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Women claims her body brews alcohol, has DUI charge, dismissed. | ||
| But was she hammered? | ||
| That dude in the previous article was two and a half times the legal limit. | ||
| This was four times the legal limit she blew. | ||
| She blew it, right? | ||
| But was she feeling the effects of it or is it just in her blood? | ||
| No, it's in their blood. | ||
| He doesn't feel it. | ||
| I don't think you exert any symptoms of being drunk. | ||
| I think it's just... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Are you guessing? | ||
| Yeah, I think that's what the article said. | ||
| I'm in touch with 30 people who believe they have the same syndrome. | ||
| About 10 of them are diagnosed with it. | ||
| Said Panola College Dean of Nursing Barbara Cordell, who has studied the syndrome for years. | ||
| They can function at alcohol levels such as 0.30 and 0.40 when the avid person becomes comatose or dying. | ||
| Yeah, these people are functioning. | ||
| Part of the mystery of this syndrome is how they can have these extremely high levels and still be walking around and talking. | ||
| Well, this bitch needs to talk to drunks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We know a lot of people. | ||
| We know a lot of people who could function. | ||
| Who do you know that functions? | ||
| Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Bert Kreischer probably does everything he does at like 50.0.50. | ||
| Imagine if he also had this, if he had ABS and he drinks like he drinks. | ||
| See my Instagram? | ||
| Picture Bert today? | ||
| He looks good. | ||
| He looks fucking great. | ||
| He looks really good. | ||
| That's legit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Whitney was like, what Instagram filters this? | ||
| Like, unless he's doing what some of my wife's friends do, my wife's friends are fucking, they're cartoonists. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Where they're able to, like, Photoshop and all that shit? | ||
| They're not really taking pictures. | ||
| They're cartoonists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| These bitches run filters on these pictures, and they shrink their legs down, and they fuck with their friends. | ||
| They make their friend's butt a little smaller, or their arms a little bigger. | ||
| That's so diabolical, man. | ||
| Yeah, they do weird things. | ||
| Would you ever think they'd do anything like that? | ||
| They make their friend's chin just a little. | ||
| Give them a fucking double chin. | ||
| A little Jalen, I wish. | ||
| They definitely do that to each other. | ||
| And they call each other up. | ||
| Hey, take this one down. | ||
| I don't like how my waist looks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, you look great. | |
| No, you look amazing. | ||
| That bird picture, by the way, the lighting is pretty fucking good. | ||
| I'm not gonna lie. | ||
| Go back to the picture. | ||
| There's almost nothing you can do about the side handles. | ||
| No, but that lighting is good. | ||
| Save it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Look at his side. | ||
| His sides. | ||
| Wait, that looks a little manipulated there, Jamie. | ||
| Bro, it's not manipulated. | ||
| It's not manipulated. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Bert is not that guy. | ||
| He's not smart enough to do that. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| He's not a liar. | ||
| Like, look, Bert would not do that. | ||
| That's what he looks like. | ||
| He's been fucking working out hard. | ||
| He's down to like 225. Look at what Ari wrote there. | ||
| He's raising his arms and sucking his belly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell him to post an inaction side shot of him on stage. | |
| Ari's such a hater. | ||
| Well, they've got some beef now after the dosing episode. | ||
| Yeah, well, Bert should have beef. | ||
| Not Ari. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari fucking dosed him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari should have any beef. | |
| Ari's just mad that it didn't land the way he wanted. | ||
| Like, Ari's upset that Bert didn't, like, laugh it off and have fun with it. | ||
| Who the fuck laughs off getting dosed with Molly? | ||
| Must me, dude. | ||
| I fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nobody. | |
| Dosed me would be fucking... | ||
| I think they should fight it out. | ||
| Let him fucking slug it out a little while. | ||
| I think Bert wants to fucking kill him for that. | ||
| Who would win that fight? | ||
| It'd be a fun fight to watch. | ||
| Ari's squirrely. | ||
| He's got that lanky and long. | ||
| He could put up a good fight. | ||
| Burt's got probably the... | ||
| Burt's got probably, you know, maybe a reach on him. | ||
| I don't know how much taller he is. | ||
| Well, Ari is very tall. | ||
| Yeah, he's tall. | ||
| What is Ari, like 6'3"? | ||
| Yeah, he's a jiu-jitsu background, too. | ||
| A little bit, right? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| I bought him a year. | ||
| He probably went... | ||
| He went until he got staph, and that was basically the end of his career. | ||
| That's when most people would quit. | ||
| He got a bad staph infection on his knee, man. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| Swole up. | ||
| Like, he was walking with a limp. | ||
| That shit can kill you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He didn't even know he had it. | ||
| He thought it was a spider bite. | ||
| And you just let it go for a while? | ||
| We were playing pool and he was walking around with a limp. | ||
| I'm like, what's wrong with your leg? | ||
| And he goes, I got a spider bite. | ||
| And, you know, obviously I've done jujitsu forever and I know that sometimes people think it's a spider bite and it's staph. | ||
| So I said, let me see. | ||
| He pulls his knee up. | ||
| I go, dude. | ||
| And I unscrew my pool cue. | ||
| I go, go to the emergency room right now. | ||
| I go, you have a bad staph infection. | ||
| He thought I was fucking with him. | ||
| He's like, are you serious? | ||
| I'm like, I am dead serious. | ||
| This can kill you. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| His fucking knee was all swollen. | ||
| He had a real clear staph infection. | ||
| I'm like, dude, I'm telling you, I'm not a doctor, but that is fucking staph. | ||
| And then he was angry, and he had a really good point. | ||
| He's like, why don't they have signs in the gym? | ||
| You take jujitsu, and it's up to everybody to tell you what staph is. | ||
| Because Junior Dos Santos just pulled out of his fight. | ||
| He was supposed to fight Alexander Volkov, but he got nasty staph in his leg. | ||
| Like his lower leg, like his calf area, all swollen and red and funky because he got a staph infection. | ||
| The same thing. | ||
| He was like, why is it? | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| It's painful. | ||
| You thought maybe sometimes you clash shins. | ||
| You do it a lot. | ||
| But you get a cut and then it just gets infected. | ||
| My cousin had MRSA. You know what MRSA is? | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| That's the worst version of staph. | ||
| It's like staph turns into MRSA. Well, no, it's medication-resistant staph. | ||
| Staphococcus, whatever they call it. | ||
| But it's like the extreme version. | ||
| Yes, it's staph that you find in hospitals, unfortunately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because a lot of times that kind of staph is immune to medication. | ||
| He doesn't even know how he got it. | ||
| You can fucking lose a hand and shit over it. | ||
| One of my wife's friends got staph and she went into a fucking coma. | ||
| She started having seizures. | ||
| She got it from a gym. | ||
| From a dirty gym. | ||
| Just like lifting weights and shit. | ||
| Sitting on those machines doing lat pull-downs. | ||
| She got a little scratch. | ||
| Something happened. | ||
| Next thing you know, she has this infection. | ||
| Doesn't know what it is. | ||
| It gets systemic. | ||
| Next thing you know, she's fucking going into shock. | ||
| Her body's freaking out. | ||
| The gym I go to is like... | ||
| Immaculate clean, and I still walk around. | ||
| Like, even in the bathroom, I'm in fucking flip-flops. | ||
| I'm never, ever... | ||
| Since playing high school sports, you learn... | ||
| It's like my dad was always like, don't be fucking walking around in those locker rooms. | ||
| You have cuts on your feet. | ||
| You have shit splat. | ||
| You're bound to catch something nasty. | ||
| One of Callan's friends' wives died from it. | ||
| From infection on her foot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
From staff. | |
| They were trying to go all homeopathic. | ||
| They were trying to cure with fucking parsley and herbs and shit. | ||
| Smacking it with leaves? | ||
| Callan went over the house and she was bleeding from her gums. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And he was like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| You gotta get her to a hospital. | ||
| She died. | ||
| They just refuse to go to the doctor. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know the whole story. | ||
| Calen told it to me years ago. | ||
| He told it to me when I first got staph. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| And I remember I was on heavy doses of antibiotics to the point where, like, I was fuzzy. | ||
| Like, everything was fuzzy. | ||
| Like, everything was, like, confusing. | ||
| He couldn't think straight? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| My brain was dog shit. | ||
| Believe it or not, your gut, like what's inside your gut affects your personality. | ||
| It affects your ability to think, your energy levels. | ||
| And when you have staph, they fucking dose you up, son, with heavy-duty antibiotics. | ||
| And I couldn't believe that people fight on that sometimes. | ||
| They fight on antibiotics when they have staph. | ||
| Because you're just totally out of it. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| I could barely make a fist. | ||
| I'm like, how the fuck could anybody fight like this? | ||
| Luke Rockhold beat Chris Weidman for the UFC middleweight title when he was on staff medication. | ||
| Which is like fucking incredible. | ||
| And could function on it. | ||
| He fucking beat Chris Weidman. | ||
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| I have no idea how he did it. | ||
| He had like a nasty staph infection. | ||
| He wound up actually getting a chunk of meat removed from his shin. | ||
| And it's fucked him up so bad. | ||
| Like to this day when he fights, and he only fought once with this, he has to have like a wrap over his entire shin. | ||
| And he had skin grafts and all kinds of shit that didn't totally take. | ||
| So he has to have – he has like an open wound on his shin like forever. | ||
| So he has like this big bandage over his shin. | ||
| And then everything is wrapped up. | ||
| And then he puts like a sleeve over it, like a compressant. | ||
| To protect the skin. | ||
| Yeah, a compression sleeve over his calf and shin. | ||
| There's so much of that shit that's in sports like Oregon. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| It's always around high schools. | ||
| They're always worried about people getting it from water fountains and shit. | ||
| Do you know what I'm talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Herpes? | |
| Crabs? | ||
| Yeah, herpes. | ||
| Meningitis? | ||
| Meningitis, yeah. | ||
| I knew a kid in high school that had meningitis. | ||
| He lost a hand and a foot. | ||
| From meningitis, but from high school shit, because you're around all these kids with all these fucking diseases and sicknesses, and it's like this little incubator. | ||
| I know a woman, her kid got paralyzed from getting meningitis from one of those fucking water parks. | ||
| Well, that's why usually, it comes from something, water, it happens in water a lot, apparently. | ||
| You know, that water gets in your ears and gets in your fucking mouth. | ||
| There was a comic who died from meningitis. | ||
| Do I know who he is? | ||
| Yeah, goddammit. | ||
| Red-headed kid. | ||
| Really nice guy. | ||
| Me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Kid from New York. | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
| He was flying out to do Fantasy Island. | ||
| Jerry Red Wilson. | ||
| Jerry Wilson. | ||
| Yeah, he died from meningitis. | ||
| He was apparently in the doctor's office, but it was taking too long to get seen by the doctor. | ||
| He's waiting for like 45 minutes like, fuck this, I'm getting out of here. | ||
| And he left and wound up dying. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did he get it? | ||
| Do you know how he got it from? | ||
| Do not know. | ||
| He was a nice guy too, man. | ||
| Funny kid too. | ||
| And his career was just starting to take off. | ||
| This was like in the 90s. | ||
| That's kind of... | ||
| I knew him from New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We knew each other from the clubs. | ||
| And then he came out here. | ||
| I had been living out here for like a year or so. | ||
| And he came out here and he was like, shit was popping for him. | ||
| He had a development deal, do a TV show. | ||
| He was doing the new Fantasy Island. | ||
| Do you remember when they had Fantasy Island? | ||
| I know, yeah. | ||
| They brought it back. | ||
| He was doing the new Fantasy Island. | ||
| And then he just refused to fucking get seen again? | ||
| Yeah, and he got on a plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| He got on a plane, and I think he actually flew to Hawaii to do the show. | ||
| And when he got out there, he was fucked. | ||
| By the time he got there, he was fucked. | ||
| It's always sad when you hear people that, like, I don't know if he had instructions, you know, not that he did, but you know when people have instructions to not get on a plane? | ||
| This happens all the time. | ||
| People are like, fuck that shit, and then they die because of it. | ||
| It's like that dude that was in Dave Matthews' band. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| He had surgery. | ||
| You've got to look it up to make sure I'm not fucking out of my butt. | ||
| Are you making things up? | ||
| Yeah, I'm making it up. | ||
| It's fun to make things up. | ||
| Remember the old days? | ||
| Yeah, you didn't have to worry about it. | ||
| Just make things up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just make it up all day? | ||
| Drinking beer, talking shit. | ||
| People just tell you lies. | ||
| And you're like, whoa, I didn't know that you can get cancer from that. | ||
| Like, yep, sure can. | ||
| Give me another beer, Jimmy. | ||
| Yeah, he died. | ||
| I think he had surgery and he got on a plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There he is. | ||
| Leroy Moore, right? | ||
| Leroy Moore. | ||
| And he got on a fucking plane after the doctors told him not to fucking fly, and he did, and then he died. | ||
| 2008. Because he had some kind of weird surgery, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had an accident on his ATV. Right. | |
| Punctured lung. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe it was that, because of the air pressure. | ||
| He died from that? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, pneumonia. | ||
| Blood clots. | ||
| He got pneumonia. | ||
| Those things are different. | ||
| He died from a blood clot that coroner's office determined his cause of death to be pneumonia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| But I don't know if it's going to say it on there. | ||
| I'm almost positive that they told him not to get on a fucking plane and he did anyway. | ||
| Bro, how much does it take... | ||
| How many years does it take off a flight attendant's life? | ||
| I mean, they all look so sad now. | ||
| They look sadder than they did when I was young. | ||
| Why is that, dude? | ||
| They all look so fucking sad. | ||
| Did the pay get worse? | ||
| It can't be good. | ||
| No, it never was good, but people used to do it usually because they were like, I could fly for free and so can everybody in my family. | ||
| But now everyone I see, every flight we take, they look fucking miserable. | ||
| Maybe it's you. | ||
| You're handing out barf bags and shit. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Throwing up all of yourself in the bathroom. | ||
| Clean this up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Barf! | |
| Even the ones that I have a good feeling about, even they seem bummed the fuck out. | ||
| Even when I'm like, hey, how you doing? | ||
| They're like, hi, do you want something before we leave? | ||
| I just feel like it's a tough, tough gig, man. | ||
| That's a tough fucking gig to constantly be like... | ||
| You know what it really is? | ||
| Because people are such pieces of shit and we're becoming more pieces of shit. | ||
| Nobody obeys any of the fucking rules about overhead space and any of that stuff. | ||
| And I think it's extreme now because people are like, I'm not checking my fucking bag. | ||
| I'll stuff it in the roof. | ||
| People do get a little cunty though. | ||
| Some lady and this guy got a little cunty with me on the flight over. | ||
| Right. | ||
| in one row and they were like four rows behind me and i went back there and i moved some stuff around and put my bag up there and the guy's like you think he would use the bin that's above his head right i'm like don't you think i would if it was open like He didn't even look. | ||
| Look at all these bags. | ||
| You don't see all these bags? | ||
| People cop attitudes and they get mad at the... | ||
| This was insane. | ||
| We were in Denver coming back and a dude... | ||
| They had canceled the flight. | ||
| And a dude was losing it on the gate attendant, you know? | ||
| He was like, you fucking, you fucking asshole, da-da-da-da-da, like, going off. | ||
| And everyone's kind of, like, turned, like, pissed, like, fucking pissed that this guy's losing on this asshole in a public space like this for no reason. | ||
| And this dude is sitting on the floor, and I can tell he's, like, kind of bobbing, and he's, like, reeling. | ||
| And then finally he pipes up. | ||
| He goes, hey! | ||
| Go fly another fucking airline. | ||
| It's not this guy's fucking fault. | ||
| And then this guy was like, oh, what do you care about? | ||
| He's like, dude, it's not his fault. | ||
| If you've got an issue with it, let's go take a walk. | ||
| And you could tell his alpha fucking step up scared this dude to death. | ||
| And he was like, don't fucking yell at that guy. | ||
| That guy has nothing to do with it. | ||
| When people do that, they're cunts. | ||
| Any guy who yells at someone, some flight attendant or someone who works at the desk, it's not their call. | ||
| They don't get to make the call. | ||
| They're employees. | ||
| Employees! | ||
| That guy at the desk, he has nothing. | ||
| By the way, he doesn't care. | ||
| He's like, dude, I get paid fucking hourly. | ||
| I'm barely here. | ||
| He's not pretending he runs Delta or Nido. | ||
| But I love what the guy said. | ||
| He goes, go fly another fucking airline. | ||
| Because the guy kept saying, he goes, you guys do this all the time. | ||
| And the dude on the ground goes, go fly another airline, bud. | ||
| There's a ton of them if you're so unhappy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He's like, don't fucking yell at those. | ||
| You have to deal with the conflict and the heat in the air. | ||
| It was thick. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| Well, I went up to him. | ||
| I was like, dude, that's cool that you said that. | ||
| And he goes, well, that guy's a piece of shit. | ||
| I was like, you know, because it's like somebody should say something. | ||
| I know, but it's that leap before you say something. | ||
| Like, do you want to tell this guy to shut the fuck up? | ||
| Because then he's my problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Right now, it's not my problem. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| It's like, do I want to step into that world where this asshole then becomes a thing with me and then it's a whole thing? | ||
| Well, it could become violence. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| And you don't know this freak. | ||
| If he's that dumb that he's yelling at some lady that works there or some guy that works there, he's a fucking moron. | ||
| Who knows what kind of shitty judgment that guy's going to have. | ||
| He was bald with a ponytail, if that says everything. | ||
| Oh, that's everything. | ||
| That's a terrible look. | ||
| You know that guy. | ||
| Unless he's Tong Po. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Bald ponytail is such a choice. | ||
| Why would he do that? | ||
| Why would you do bald ponytail? | ||
| It's so funny, man. | ||
| Is there a girl out there that fucks guys only who are bald with ponytails? | ||
| Sadly, yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Sadly, someone fucks the bald ponytail guy. | ||
| How's that work? | ||
| What's his game? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Money. | ||
| Speaking of bald ponytail, did you see what happened in the game when LeBron's hair fell off? | ||
| Somebody showed me a photo, but I thought that looked so... | ||
| Was that real? | ||
| No, it's real. | ||
| Look, the guy is a fucking billionaire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a god amongst men. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a giant super athlete with a really well-shaped head. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| Shave your head, bud. | ||
| Shave your goddamn head. | ||
| Pull up that picture, because I want to see the fucking... | ||
| He's got some nonsense glued on his head that's, like, not his hair. | ||
| He has a toupee? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| See, his hair moved up, and someone had to tell him. | ||
| He says, oh, thanks, bro. | ||
| So you get the bandana back in place. | ||
| His hair moved. | ||
| Wait, why did he? | ||
| Yeah, he's got some shit glued on his head. | ||
| Bro, the guy, he's handsome. | ||
| He's a superior physical specimen. | ||
| LeBron's hair falls out during game. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go full screen, Jamie. | |
| Full screen. | ||
| It's disappearing. | ||
| Anthony Davis is telling him, hey, dog, your hair's up. | ||
| Your hair fell off, dog. | ||
| Oh, he did tell him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Oh, he's pointing to something's up with your hair. | ||
| He's laughing. | ||
| Are they friends? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I was telling you. | ||
| He's the only guy on the team that could probably tell him that. | ||
| Anybody else would get traded immediately, probably. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| He's fucking with his hair. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| And last night, he didn't have the headband on. | ||
| He had somebody fix it up nice. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| He did have the headband on? | ||
| No, he did not last night. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| What's going on with his hair? | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Hey, something wrong with your hair? | ||
| Yo, dog. | ||
| He's laughing. | ||
| Yo, dog. | ||
| Gotta fix that. | ||
| Just so weird. | ||
| Like, why does he want to deal with that? | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| Because he hasn't accepted it yet. | ||
| Yeah, but also, he's still young. | ||
| He's 35. Whatever. | ||
| Yeah, I know, but in his mind, he's like, I gotta still be the young guy, you know? | ||
| Yeah, but shave your fucking head. | ||
| It's like John Cena grew his hair out now. | ||
| I saw him on a fucking billboard, and he has long hair, and he always had, like, short military cut, you know? | ||
| Well, he's trying to be a family man now. | ||
| I know, he wants to be that guy. | ||
| You're talking about the movies he's doing now. | ||
| It's like a kid's firefighter movie or some bullshit. | ||
| Oh, come on, dude. | ||
| He wants to do The Rock. | ||
| He wants to be The Rock so fucking bad. | ||
| Well, it seems like a good move. | ||
| Yeah, but he won't be The Rock. | ||
| The Rock is the fucking Rock. | ||
| He's not going to come anywhere near being The Rock. | ||
| Can he be John Cena? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Can't even be John Cena? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Take a hike, bud. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He is John Cena. | ||
| He just wants to follow that path of WWE guy who's sweet and nice and affable and also strong and can play the tough guy. | ||
| But The Rock is a special person. | ||
| People think they're going to be that guy. | ||
| But can he be a version of that? | ||
| No. | ||
| What can he do? | ||
| No, because it always looks cheap. | ||
| What's the guy in the Fast and Furious? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Vin Diesel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It always looks cheesy. | ||
| He's like, I got the family. | ||
| Family over everything. | ||
| He sounds cheesy everything he does. | ||
| The big tough guy thing is like, only so many guys can pull it off anymore. | ||
| Well, it has to be authentic. | ||
| It has to be who you are. | ||
| First of all, The Rock's an undeniable, giant, tough guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a fucking badass. | ||
| He's a gorilla. | ||
| He's built like a fucking brick shithouse. | ||
| He's six foot six, stacked, super jeans, Hawaiian, gorgeous man. | ||
| Mammoth man. | ||
| Super nice. | ||
| Everybody loves him. | ||
| Who doesn't love The Rock? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| So big. | ||
| So it's authentic. | ||
| Jesus Christ, he's so big. | ||
| And John Cena, I'm sure he's a tough guy. | ||
| I'm sure he's strong. | ||
| He's tough. | ||
| I think they all think that they can come into Hollywood and it's like an easy transfer. | ||
| It's definitely not easy. | ||
| No, it's just not the same thing. | ||
| Well, you know who's doing it, though? | ||
| Dave Bautista. | ||
| He's found his way. | ||
| He has. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's in that movie with, what the fuck's his name? | ||
| Yeah, but he's in Guardians of the Galaxy. | ||
| He's great in those movies. | ||
| You want to tell your story? | ||
| What are you going to tell me? | ||
| Tell me something. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| He's great in those movies. | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| He's not? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| I did a table read for that movie. | ||
| You know, because I knew some of the people involved. | ||
| And we were just tabling. | ||
| You know, they just want people to come and read. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was tabling and reading for it. | ||
| And Bautista, man, he... | ||
| Look, I felt like he didn't want to even fucking do it. | ||
| Like, half of the time... | ||
| Guardians of the Galaxy? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| The thing with Kumail, the Stuber thing. | ||
| But he was reading it, and he was doing... | ||
| I mean, he had glasses on. | ||
| He was, like, doing this. | ||
| I mean, seriously, he would go like this. | ||
| I mean, this is the script. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is in front of, like, all the executives and shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he would go... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Time to be the guy that I need to be. | |
| Wait a minute, but it's for you. | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| This is for everyone. | ||
| Table read. | ||
| Yeah, table read. | ||
| Everyone's in the room. | ||
| It means executives, producers, directors. | ||
| So he had never gotten a script before? | ||
| It felt like it was fucking his first time on that boat, bud. | ||
| I was like, what is going on, dude? | ||
| Maybe it was. | ||
| For that script. | ||
| That'd be crazy. | ||
| That'd be crazy for him to never see that script and do a studio table read. | ||
| I shouldn't even have said that. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I'm not in the movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just felt like he was like... | ||
| I'm just saying, the difference when you meet people in this industry, in the television and film, that are like just really, really good. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On it. | |
| You see it right away. | ||
| They're on it. | ||
| They're fucking... | ||
| I bet you The Rock is phenomenal in table reads. | ||
| And table reads are important because the studio gets to see it. | ||
| You're selling it a little bit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The movie's going to get fucking made. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| But it's just like it sells you more to all of these other sources to feel like this is the guy we want to get behind. | ||
| Because I've run into a lot of great actors and actresses in the business and you can fucking tell, dude, the way that they handle things sometimes you're like, oh man, that's why they're good. | ||
| They just are ready for it. | ||
| It's the same way a good comedian can just turn on. | ||
| We can be having this conversation seconds later. | ||
| You get on stage and it's like... | ||
| And you know when to produce. | ||
| Well, maybe he already got the gig. | ||
| Didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| That's a bummer. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Was the movie good? | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| Did anybody see it? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You know what's a bummer to me? | ||
| That fucking Will Smith movie. | ||
| What, the Gemini Man? | ||
| Nobody went to see it. | ||
| Giant box office loss. | ||
| It looked fucking amazing. | ||
| But it was up against like two other, right? | ||
| Didn't it come out? | ||
| It was up against the Joker. | ||
| Joker and one other film though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Something else. | ||
| Something else that was fucking huge. | ||
| It's like you couldn't, did you see Joker? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I told you this when we were in Detroit. | ||
| I nearly lost my shit. | ||
| I hear in the middle of the film, in the middle of a really serious scene, I hear someone go, they're punched in on his face. | ||
| I hear a woman go, did they photoshop a hair lip on him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I was losing it. | ||
| I almost threw my popcorn. | ||
| I was almost like, that's it. | ||
| I'm out of here. | ||
| I felt like the way I felt when I first saw the movie Belly in theater. | ||
| When you hear things... | ||
| Like that? | ||
| Like you hear things sometimes. | ||
| Like you hear things like out of nowhere. | ||
| I heard a girl say, in the ass is okay, but in the ass and the mouth, no fucking way. | ||
| I heard a girl say that. | ||
| She's right! | ||
| She's right! | ||
| But it's just like that combination of things when you're like, what? | ||
| You're like, I'm sorry, this is Jimmy John's. | ||
| In the ass is fine, but in the ass and in the mouth, no fucking way. | ||
| Like, oh boy. | ||
| What was the context of that fucking conversation? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Well, there's a site that's dedicated to that called Overheard in LA. Overheard in LA? And all they do is talk about bullshit that you hear in Los Angeles. | ||
| That's like stupid LA-only phrases, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's got to be one of them. | ||
| This place. | ||
| You're out. | ||
| I'm checked out because it's on fire. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's on fire. | ||
| The whole fucking place is on fire. | ||
| Bel Air is on fire right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bel Air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do we got? | ||
| Girl dressed as a cat. | ||
| I'm almost 30. | ||
| This Halloween is my last chance to fuck a guy dressed as Harry Potter. | ||
| It's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| It's just fucking great. | ||
| Overheard in L.A. How much are those writers, though, that are writing that kind of stuff? | ||
| It's gotta be, of course, yeah. | ||
| I'm sure it was birthed organically. | ||
| I'm sure some dude started it for fun, and then it just, you know, kept going. | ||
| Yeah, I'd like to fucking, I'd like to go away from the fires. | ||
| Northern California is even worse than we are. | ||
| I think we complain, but they're really lit up. | ||
| Sonoma's on fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bad. | |
| Yeah, they get it bad. | ||
| Yeah, it's bad up there. | ||
| Yeah, that's where Henry Cejudo almost fucking burnt to death. | ||
| You can catch fires, man, everywhere that's dry. | ||
| And L.A. is dry as fuck. | ||
| And last year, we got a lot of rain in the winter, and everybody predicted that all this rain was going to dry out as soon as the rainy season was over. | ||
| The grass was going to grow really high because of all the nutrients and all the water. | ||
| And then, boom. | ||
| When you have fires and then water, it's a terrible combination because apparently all the carbon from the fire actually helps... | ||
| All these plants grow. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then it just gets... | ||
| So it's overgrown and then now it's overgrown and there's all this dead shit now. | ||
| Dude, it's so overgrown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the areas where I run, weeds were higher than I'd ever seen them before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like fucking six foot tall weeds and all that mustard grass shit. | ||
| You know that stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That fucking shit's everywhere, man. | ||
| Yeah, and then when that dries up, it's over. | ||
| What are those things called, like my dog gets them up? | ||
| Foxtails? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my God, dude. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| And that shit's dry and fucked up everywhere. | ||
| My dog gets them everywhere because he has long hair. | ||
| Yeah, Goldens are bad with that. | ||
| And he runs into the fucking bushes. | ||
| He loves that shit. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| Takes forever. | ||
| We took my dog fucking camping. | ||
| That was the worst shit on earth because she was just rolling around in that shit. | ||
| Oh, they love it. | ||
| And she gets back all happy and I'm like, God damn it, I gotta pick these fucking things out for like an hour. | ||
| You gotta brush them. | ||
| You gotta brush them. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| Yeah, we're on fire. | ||
| I wanna go. | ||
| I wish we could go. | ||
| Where would you go? | ||
| You'd go to Chicago, right? | ||
| I'd go back to Chicago. | ||
| Yeah, I would. | ||
| If I really could, I would. | ||
| If I could just tour from Chicago and then do whatever I wanted to do every once in a while. | ||
| Why couldn't you? | ||
| So much to do here. | ||
| There's so much shit here. | ||
| You know what's the problem? | ||
| Friends. | ||
| Yeah, friends. | ||
| Like you and Diaz and all our friends that are here. | ||
| You know, I love the fact, like last night I did that benefit for Callan, Callan's friend. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I go there. | ||
| Schaub's there. | ||
| Norm MacDonald's there. | ||
| We're all having fun. | ||
| Callan's there. | ||
| We're all laughing, hugging each other. | ||
| We have a great time. | ||
| Chappelle Lacey was there. | ||
| We're all laughing. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| I'm like, I love the fact that I could leave my house. | ||
| I left my house at 8 o'clock. | ||
| I'm there at 9. I'm home by like midnight. | ||
| Not even, I think I was home at 11.30. | ||
| I was only there for like an hour and a half, but I had a great time. | ||
| I had a recharge of camaraderie and friendship. | ||
| You're not going to get that if you leave. | ||
| And plus, it was cool to do, you know, we did an arena Saturday night, and then we go to do the main room. | ||
| It's like, you feel the difference between those two rooms. | ||
| So different. | ||
| Well, you know what you ought to talk about is how fucking, we were taken back by the Fox Theater. | ||
| It was fucking insane in Detroit, huh? | ||
| Yeah, people, you could see it on my Instagram. | ||
| I took videos of it, and some photos, and it's the most beautiful theater. | ||
| And I've worked at a lot of beautiful theaters. | ||
| It's the most beautiful theater I've ever It was stunning, man. | ||
| The staff was so cool, they took us out afterwards. | ||
| The show was done. | ||
| We had chilled for a while. | ||
| Me and Ian Edwards and Joe had gone back down to the stage, and holy shit. | ||
| Look at how fucking incredible that is. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And this is from the 1920s, and they restored it. | ||
| Did he say in the 80s? | ||
| 80s, yeah. | ||
| In the 80s it got restored. | ||
| Fucking A, this place is beautiful. | ||
| And the staff there is proud. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like that dude that... | ||
| I forget. | ||
| I don't remember his name, unfortunately. | ||
| Really nice guy that... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That gave us all the... | ||
| And then they turned the lights down for us so we could see what it really looks like and then turned the roof light on. | ||
| Because they had all these spotlights on so they could clean and get everything ready. | ||
| And they turned those down for us and then turned the house lights on so we could see all the ornate, gilded woodwork. | ||
| And just like, you can't build a place like this anymore. | ||
| You can kind of see on the top row there's faces carved up there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he said they're all hand-done. | ||
| I mean, it's just... | ||
| It was fucking unreal. | ||
| Oh, he said they redid it in the 80s and five guys died while building it, while fixing it. | ||
| And he said when they had a guy up there cleaning, they found a helmet and like a pickaxe almost that was like placed and the helmet was on the pickaxe. | ||
| And this bozo comes down and he's like, Hey, Mick, look at this shit! | ||
| And the guy was like, Hey, put that back. | ||
| That was in memory of one of the builders that died during the... | ||
| Original construction of it. | ||
| They had put it deep in the rafters. | ||
| He found it while he was cleaning. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| He was like, this place is... | ||
| And then right away, of course, I knew it was going to go there. | ||
| After me and Joe were like... | ||
| Oh yeah, fucking yeah. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| And then he goes, and you know it's haunted. | ||
| I was like, I knew that was coming. | ||
| I could tell from that. | ||
| Everything's haunted. | ||
| I could look from his face. | ||
| He wanted to tell us that so bad. | ||
| Your mother's pussy's haunted. | ||
| Your mother's pussy's haunted. | ||
| He said somebody, George Lopez? | ||
| No. | ||
| He said some comic was there and could hear the knocking. | ||
| Apparently there was like knocking in the roof and he just bitched about it half of the show. | ||
| Was saying like he kept hearing the knocking while he was on stage. | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| The Laster didn't subdue the fucking knocking? | ||
| You might be bombing, bro. | ||
| Yeah, dude, you can hear the knocking. | ||
| There's something about the knocking that's bothering me. | ||
| Well, dude, the other night, you said it, at the improv, there was a cricket inside. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was amplified. | ||
| You could hear it so loud. | ||
| It was so loud. | ||
| And that was both shows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yes, it was insane. | ||
| Both shows Wednesday. | ||
| For the first show, I didn't hear it, because Jesus was like, Jesus made a joke right away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, man, you know it's bad when the crickets are louder than the laughs. | |
| He said it on stage? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I was like, I didn't hear it. | ||
| I went on stage, I couldn't really hear it. | ||
| And then the second show, it was so loud I could hear it. | ||
| It must have been up in the roof in something. | ||
| No, it was over near the piano somewhere. | ||
| Oh, the piano. | ||
| It was over right, it was amplifying. | ||
| The piano. | ||
| Joe loves the piano at the Hollywood Improv. | ||
| That's his favorite item. | ||
| It's my favorite thing. | ||
| I love the I love the fact that it takes up seats. | ||
| I love the fact that it gets in the way of the people that are sitting over there. | ||
| They don't have a good view of the show. | ||
| I love the fact that it's fucking useless and no one plays piano there. | ||
| They say Craig Robinson uses it. | ||
| Craig Robinson has his own fucking keyboard. | ||
| Brings his keyboard. | ||
| Brings it everywhere he goes. | ||
| Whenever he does shows, it's not hard. | ||
| Puts it in his trunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| I see him. | ||
| They have one there for him, too, by the way. | ||
| They have a keyboard. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Roll that bitch out. | ||
| You don't need that stupid fucking piano. | ||
| Then they have two stupid fucking pianos. | ||
| They have one upstairs in the green room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| You know Bud probably loved pianos. | ||
| Pianos and monocles. | ||
| I love pianos. | ||
| He must have fucking loved to buy two pianos. | ||
| It is an old idea. | ||
| Did the store used to have a piano right next to the stage? | ||
| In the main room. | ||
| Like when you would stand by the stage, Jeff Scott would play piano like he does in the main room? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Does he still play piano in the main room? | ||
| Or in the OR rather? | ||
| Keyboard in the OR. Keyboard. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a keyboard over there. | ||
| Yeah, well they used to have a piano in the main room. | ||
| Yeah, I do remember it. | ||
| So keyboard in the OR, piano in the... | ||
| Is that the only club that still has a professional keyboardist that plays you up? | ||
| Well, down in San Diego at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Another Comedy Store. | ||
| Yeah, he plays. | ||
| He plays down there too. | ||
| Lou, Sweet Lou. | ||
| He plays the keyboard down there. | ||
| Might be the most underrated room in the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Comedy Store La Jolla. | ||
| La Jolla is fucking phenomenal. | ||
| Might be the most underrated. | ||
| It's phenomenal. | ||
| It's actually... | ||
| I've talked about this before. | ||
| It's the perfect shape and size and number because it's a nice box. | ||
| It's low and quiet and black. | ||
| The stage is not too high. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's like the OR in LA, but it's on one. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Some guys have... | ||
| DePaulo filmed or recorded one of his comedy specials there. | ||
| At La Jolla? | ||
| Yeah, a CD. Yeah, he recorded a CD there. | ||
| It's a fucking great place to do stand-up. | ||
| It is. | ||
| And it's packed constantly, because those people down there, they don't want to make the drive to come up to fucking L.A., and there's nothing around there club-wise. | ||
| Yeah, you get American Comedy Company in San Diego, they can go there, but La Jolla is so beautiful. | ||
| La Jolla is beautiful, man. | ||
| If I lived in La Jolla, I wouldn't want to go anywhere. | ||
| We said that if we were going to go down to San Diego, you'd move to La Jolla. | ||
| Oh, yes! | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking beautiful. | ||
| The fucking cliffs. | ||
| You ever see the view off the cliffs there? | ||
| Yeah, it'd be breakfast over there. | ||
| It's so nice, man. | ||
| It's stunning. | ||
| It's a great little pocket, you know? | ||
| And you can walk to Tijuana. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| I don't want to do that shit. | ||
| But how crazy is that? | ||
| We were saying that in the car. | ||
| We were like, San Diego is this beautiful, pristine city with a lot of money. | ||
| I will argue not a ton of culture, but that's okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| Yeah, that's okay. | ||
| I mean, you've seen some of the shit that fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| And then you cross the fucking border, and TJ is like, donkeys, fucking women, marshmallow shows... | ||
| Fucking chicklets. | ||
| What's a marshmallow show? | ||
| You know where they shoot marshmallows out of their pussy? | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| Yeah, you don't know about that? | ||
| What kind of force do you have to generate to get a marshmallow? | ||
| Dude, you gotta have strong muscles. | ||
| What does it sound like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ping pong balls. | |
| I've seen ping pong. | ||
| Stan Hope told me a story about some lady in Thailand that could chew up bananas with her pussy and spit out chunks of it. | ||
| Should take... | ||
| She'd take a banana, stuff it in her pussy, chop it up. | ||
| In my head, I just saw it has teeth. | ||
| Well, she just had a fucking severe pinch. | ||
| Some girls have stronger pussies than other girls. | ||
| That is just a fact. | ||
| And I think some gals just let the pussy be what it is. | ||
| Get it in there. | ||
| Oh, we both feel good. | ||
| It feels amazing. | ||
| And some girls are like, no, no, no. | ||
| You can put a little extra in there. | ||
| Just put a little extra salt. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Some girls just know how to squeeze it. | ||
| Genetics? | ||
| Or is there training, too? | ||
| No, Kegels, man. | ||
| There's exercises. | ||
| But it's just the act of squeezing it. | ||
| I think every girl can squeeze it. | ||
| But the act of actively squeezing it requires work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| When you feel the squeeze, it's awesome. | ||
| Well, it's also... | ||
| It feels great no matter what. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Vagina's a perfectly designed thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Out of all the things in nature... | ||
| To have sex with? | ||
| Vagina's number one. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| Let me think for a second. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't really fucked with a lot of different things. | ||
| But a vagina is about as good as it gets. | ||
| Like, nature's designed so that you spooge really quickly so that you can make a baby while the lions are coming after you. | ||
| That's how it was invented. | ||
| Come and go. | ||
| Come and go. | ||
| Because it's supposed to be like, run! | ||
| Fucking leopards! | ||
| That's how you know we're getting lazier as a culture, because we're trying to hold out as long as we can. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's just weird. | ||
| We're so safe. | ||
| We're so safe. | ||
| We're trying to not cum. | ||
| How about those assholes that try to cum internally? | ||
| You know, they do tantric. | ||
| Oh, sting? | ||
| They don't come, they just have sex for hours. | ||
| Tantric sex? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| And they come internally. | ||
| Like their body absorbs it. | ||
| And they don't shoot any loads. | ||
| How weird to not shoot a load. | ||
| Actually, the first time I jerked off, I didn't shoot. | ||
| It scared me. | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| I jerked off and I came and I think I stopped and nothing came out. | ||
| And it freaked me the fuck out. | ||
| Nothing came out? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| How do you know you came? | ||
| Because I feel like I came. | ||
| But you were so young, you'd never come before. | ||
| I was 32. 32. No, I just remember the first time, and then I did it again later that night, and I did cum. | ||
| But I was scared. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was freaked out. | ||
| You know what Eddie Bravo told me? | ||
| He told me when he was young, he was dating this girl, and she was always worried that he was cheating on her. | ||
| And so that if he would cum, she would get upset if it wasn't that much. | ||
| She's like, how come he didn't cum that much? | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| There wasn't that much cum. | ||
| Did you fuck around? | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| Can you imagine someone judging the amount of projectile, the amount of ejaculate? | ||
| Well, was he? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe she was keen. | ||
| She's like, this load is light. | ||
| It's a little light load here, pal. | ||
| Yeah, it's like when someone sells you an eighth of weed, you're like, hmm. | ||
| This looks a little suspect. | ||
| This bag feels a little on the light side. | ||
| Oh, dude, this annoyed me so much. | ||
| I saw an article that said they are finally at the final stages of making odorless weed. | ||
| This company in Colorado is making odorless weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck them. | |
| That's what I said. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, dude. | ||
| Here's the thing about weed. | ||
| It only smells to other people. | ||
| When you're smoking, it doesn't smell. | ||
| Well, it's delicious. | ||
| But isn't that weird? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, when you're getting high, you're like, I don't smell anything. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| You really can't. | ||
| And then people walk in the room like, what the fuck? | ||
| Did someone kill a skunk in this room? | ||
| Holy shit, boys. | ||
| What, do you smell weed? | ||
| These guys are trying to make it. | ||
| Everyone's trying to manipulate weed to be everything not weed. | ||
| Just fucking leave weed alone. | ||
| This is how those people died from that vape shit. | ||
| They made all that fake weed pods or whatever. | ||
| No, this is how they died from that vape shit. | ||
| They vape 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. | ||
| Well, that's going to happen, too. | ||
| Take that robot dick out of your mouth, you fucking weirdo. | ||
| I was at my doctor's office the other day, and I got on the elevator. | ||
| It's one of my favorite things. | ||
| When a guy gets on the elevator, stinking of weed. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then he recognizes me. | ||
| I'm like, what's up, bro? | ||
| He's like, yeah, I had to get my head straight. | ||
| He goes, for work. | ||
| But it's my job. | ||
| I mean, it's my company, so it's all right. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he's high as fuck. | ||
| But it was a medical office building. | ||
| I mean, maybe you can just... | ||
| Can't you rent an office there if you're not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Yeah, you don't have to be in the field. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have to get my head straight, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, I have to get my head straight. | ||
| He stunk. | ||
| Stunk. | ||
| Stunk of weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| I like it when I walk by it, and you can smell it somewhere, and you're like, all right. | ||
| It's just like a nice little pick-me-up for the day. | ||
| Right, hotel rooms. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| Like, when you pass in a hotel room, like... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| How funny is it Ohio still? | ||
| You have to have AIDS and cancer and leprosy. | ||
| Still. | ||
| I know someone that got it without that. | ||
| What'd they do? | ||
| Yeah, shoulder surgery or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, but come on. | ||
| But what happens after surgery? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| When he has to renew it, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what happens there, but... | ||
| But just right over in Michigan, free weed. | ||
| There's fucking billboards everywhere just like LA. It's spreading across the country. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| It's a nice feeling like when you're in the car and you drive and you see, you know, the best cannabis in Michigan. | ||
| You're like, alright! | ||
| Right on. | ||
| Alright, you guys did it! | ||
| Welcome to the 21st century! | ||
| Dude, we were talking here in LA. They finally have full legal cannabis cafes where you can eat dinner and get hot. | ||
| You can get served by a bud tender and dinner. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| Lowell. | ||
| Lowell Cafe. | ||
| They're a sponsor of the podcast. | ||
| They're fucking awesome, dude. | ||
| Have you eaten there? | ||
| No, my buddy just went. | ||
| I heard the food is amazing. | ||
| He said the food was phenomenal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he says you get full blood tenders, full, like, really nice meals. | ||
| He's like, the ambiance is gorgeous. | ||
| It was this old... | ||
| I remember where it was, too. | ||
| It was an old, shitty, shut down, like... | ||
| You know in the corner of L.A. when it's like a... | ||
| It used to be a gas station. | ||
| Then it's like, they sell junk. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's just like a junk pit, you know, of like... | ||
| Sometimes it's like a flower sale place or whatever, signs, and they gutted that, cleaned it out, turned it into this gorgeous restaurant with all this beautiful foliage on the outside. | ||
| It's really nice, man. | ||
| Here's the thing about cigarettes. | ||
| Cigarettes kill your taste buds. | ||
| Weed enhances your taste buds, which people don't know. | ||
| When you smoke weed and then eat, food tastes better. | ||
| Oh, it's so much better. | ||
| It does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even shit I don't like tastes better. | |
| But also, do you think if you were high as fuck, you'd be able to tell there's something wrong with those vegetables that you ate? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Actually, probably. | ||
| God, that's so funny. | ||
| Something's wrong. | ||
| If I turn, I go, dude, something's weird about this. | ||
| I'm not going to eat this shit anymore. | ||
| No, instead I was just like... | ||
| But that's got to be true, though, that it enhances in the right way. | ||
| That's like magic fruit. | ||
| We've talked about that. | ||
| What's magic fruit? | ||
| You can order this online. | ||
| Magic fruit changes the chemical composition of your taste buds on your tongue for about 15 to 20 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| So sour things taste sweet. | ||
| We talked about this? | ||
| Yeah, we talked about it. | ||
| When did we talk about it? | ||
| During the podcast? | ||
| I think we did. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, magic fruit. | ||
| Not on this one, but I know about it for sure. | ||
| Oh, so maybe you talked about it with another person. | ||
| Yeah, you should Google the real name. | ||
| I don't know what the magic fruit real name is, but it's a berry. | ||
| It's like the nut of a berry, and you eat it, and when you put it in your mouth, it doesn't taste great. | ||
| Or you put the dissolved tablets they have now, and your whole tongue, the composition of your tongue changes. | ||
| So, like, you could eat a lemon, and it tastes sweet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah, it's fucking... | ||
| Miracle fruit, sorry. | ||
| Miracle fruit. | ||
| Synespium delicious. | ||
| Synespium... | ||
| Dolphysium. | ||
| Dolphysium. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| You're really good with Latin. | ||
| Dolphysium. | ||
| Dude, do you have a Latin education? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Plant known for its berry when eaten causes sour food subsequently consumed to taste sweet. | ||
| The effect is due to miraculin. | ||
| Miraculin sounds too close to mescaline. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What if you ordered one and you got the other? | ||
| Well, still have a good night. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it's wild, man. | ||
| A good friend of mine did it at a dinner party. | ||
| Because a lot of people were skeptical. | ||
| They were like, I don't know. | ||
| He's like, could you try it? | ||
| So then for appetizers, he would give us this. | ||
| And they had a platter of different things to try out that were usually sour. | ||
| And it's insane how sweet it tastes. | ||
| What about What a sweet fruit, like a melon. | ||
| What would that taste like? | ||
| Well, everyone has... | ||
| When you taste sugars, it tastes different on everyone's tongue when you're on this fruit. | ||
| So for some people, it tastes dull. | ||
| And other people, it tastes kind of like off. | ||
| Like it's not the correct flavor profile. | ||
| So like some people... | ||
| Like for me, sugary stuff tasted kind of dull or like numb. | ||
| Like an apple? | ||
| It tastes dull? | ||
| Apple's not sweet enough. | ||
| Like an orange. | ||
| Like an orange slice. | ||
| It just tastes kind of... | ||
| Flat. | ||
| Flat. | ||
| Yeah, flat. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I never know about that. | ||
| I've never even heard about it. | ||
| See that? | ||
| Every day. | ||
| The more you know. | ||
| The more you know. | ||
| But that stuff... | ||
| I wish there was more shit like that for food when you ate it that like... | ||
| Makes it taste better? | ||
| Yeah, it makes different things taste better. | ||
| That gets rid of the one part that's nasty. | ||
| Like I like blue cheese, but then sometimes if I eat it... | ||
| I taste too much of the fucking... | ||
| Oh, I love that stuff. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| If it's too much, I'll eat a giant bar of blue cheese. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Jamie loves it. | ||
| I love blue cheese. | ||
| It's just in small doses, I'm okay with it. | ||
| But if it's too much of the guffy cheese stuff, I can't do it. | ||
| I enjoy steak as is. | ||
| I don't need anything on steak, but I've had steak, like a filet mignon with a blue cheese crumble on top. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Phenomenal. | ||
| We had good steaks at dinner that Jamie missed because he couldn't come see us and hang out. | ||
| Jamie fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, you fucked up, bro. | ||
| Fucking dork. | ||
| Jamie lost his... | ||
| Jamie got one of them cool front wallets, a Ridge wallet, which I have too. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| But... | ||
| And they have RFID protection. | ||
| But has that ever happened to you? | ||
| Has anybody ever scanned your credit card? | ||
| I was wondering about that. | ||
| If people... | ||
| I mean, I remember like Dateline especially. | ||
| People can scan you when you're walking by. | ||
| They can do that, but how... | ||
| Does anybody ever do that? | ||
| I'm sure they do. | ||
| I definitely think they have done it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But how do they do it? | ||
| Do they have to be right on top of it? | ||
| Like, how does it work? | ||
| No, they have to be within a certain amount of distance. | ||
| Just like on the bank scanner. | ||
| Same thing, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard they have to be within a few feet of you. | ||
| That's going to be pretty... | ||
| I think subways, places like that are more susceptible where you're sitting next to someone for a long period of time. | ||
| And they're just like... | ||
| Yeah, and they're right near you. | ||
| Walking by you has got to be so hard to pick it up. | ||
| Well, so Jamie has his Ridge wallet, but he also has sweatpants. | ||
| Yeah, don't worry about something. | ||
| And he also had his feet up on the chair in front of him. | ||
| He's jelling. | ||
| His legs were up in the air like he was giving birth. | ||
| And his shit fell out. | ||
| His ID? Credit cards? | ||
| Yeah, he lost it. | ||
| No cash, though, right? | ||
| No cash. | ||
| Maybe 20 bucks. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And your ID. So you couldn't come see us, man. | ||
| You fucked up, bro. | ||
| And he might be fucked up so hard that he can't come to New York next week for Masvidal versus Diaz. | ||
| Not even next week. | ||
| Saturday night. | ||
| Five days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Saturday night. | ||
| He doesn't know when he's going to get his ID. Are you in process right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you try to get a passport? | ||
| So there's a couple of things that I thought you could do. | ||
| Apparently you can't do. | ||
| So there's a confusion on the ability for that. | ||
| The actual card is now on the way in the mail through the state. | ||
| So now it's just in the hands of the state. | ||
| You'll get it in a month. | ||
| The only time I ever lost it in Ohio, you could just go back and get it right away. | ||
| The old days. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know when the times have changed on that. | ||
| I don't think the birth certificate I have is certified because it's an actual photocopy of my real birth certificate, which I used to use. | ||
| That was a good thing to have back in the night. | ||
| Photocopying? | ||
| Bitch, you have to have a real one. | ||
| You have to have a stamped one and all sorts of shit. | ||
| I don't even have that. | ||
| My mom's going to help me get it. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Dude, I don't even know where any of that stuff... | ||
| It's got to be in my mom's house somewhere, but I have no fucking idea where that stuff is. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Social security caps. | ||
| I always bring my passport as well. | ||
| Just in case? | ||
| Yeah, just in case. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| Yeah, but also clear. | ||
| Clear is the shit. | ||
| I know. | ||
| We walk right through. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| You do your fingerprints. | ||
| Picture comes up. | ||
| You are clear. | ||
| You are clear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| And then you go on through. | ||
| The people are super friendly. | ||
| They walk you all the way up to the guy or the gal who's working there. | ||
| They wave at you. | ||
| Everybody walks right through. | ||
| And I have pre and TSA pre or TSA pre and clear. | ||
| Same. | ||
| Well, you don't travel international enough to have global, right? | ||
| You don't have global. | ||
| I have that too, bitch. | ||
| Why would you do it? | ||
| Why wouldn't I, bitch? | ||
| Do you go out of the country? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I've been on the country every fucking year for the last 15 years. | ||
| I know, but does everybody in your family have it too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| They all gotta have it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Global clearance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| I don't fuck with that. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You don't fuck with global entry? | ||
| I don't have it. | ||
| Global entry gives you free TSA pre. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I already got the TSA pre. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| You get one, you get both. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| You gotta go everyone. | ||
| If most states... | ||
| I don't know actually... | ||
| I don't know how many states have this, but being at the DMV the last few days... | ||
| Real ID is a new thing coming through some states, and if you want to travel domestically, you have to get a new ID. What? | ||
| Or your passport. | ||
| Oh, I already have the passport. | ||
| That's the fly from here to Ohio. | ||
| You need your passport for that. | ||
| You're going to have to have a passport if you want to go to Vegas. | ||
| Shut up, that's so dumb. | ||
| Or get this new version of the California ID. Like get to go give another... | ||
| Big brother wants it, baby. | ||
| Just put something in my arm. | ||
| Just give me my ID in my arm. | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| They want you to give in. | ||
| Let them do it. | ||
| Oh my I gave in when I bought this tracking device that's listening to me 24 hours a day. | ||
| Your phone? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What's the worst thing you do that that phone picks up? | ||
| Talk shit. | ||
| That's normal. | ||
| That's normal. | ||
| Do you think that's so funny? | ||
| There's a file of all the shit talking. | ||
| What if they log your shit talking? | ||
| I'm sure they do. | ||
| I'm sure they do. | ||
| One day you're going to say something bad about the government. | ||
| They're going to pull you aside. | ||
| I say so many bad things about the government. | ||
| President Elizabeth Warren is going to bring you into a room. | ||
| Shut your mouth. | ||
| She's going to just show you all the things you've done. | ||
| It's going to be Peter Buttigieg. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| Peter Buttigieg. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Some governor from some local... | ||
| South Bend, Indiana. | ||
| He's like, we got a fag running in the office. | ||
| Mayor Pete. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| Some homo... | ||
| We got some homo running for president. | ||
| Who said that? | ||
| Some dude at some local government thing. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah, he was all mad. | ||
| And some woman left. | ||
| She was like, I'm so offended. | ||
| I'm so offended. | ||
| He's not even doing a good job as mayor. | ||
| That's what's ridiculous. | ||
| Remember when there was a cop that shot someone and his response was inadequate? | ||
| And so they had all these fucking people saying, how the fuck are you running for president while you're the mayor? | ||
| Which I don't understand either. | ||
| I don't understand how the fuck you could have an incredibly time-consuming taxing job like being the mayor of a major city. | ||
| Not major, but it's a city. | ||
| A city. | ||
| There's a few people living there. | ||
| You're supposed to be running that, and you're also running for president? | ||
| It sounds like you're slacking, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like if you had a job, and you were the fucking CEO of, whatever, fucking Heineken, right? | ||
| And then, in the meantime, you're out there campaigning to be the CEO of Budweiser. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Heineken will pull you over. | ||
| Hey, fuckface. | ||
| Can I talk to you for a second? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up, dude? | |
| You're not even here. | ||
| Eight hours out of the fucking week, you're off doing Budweiser shit. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's a great gig. | ||
| The Budweiser gig is a great gig. | ||
| But that's a really good gig. | ||
| I'd like to keep the Heineken gig while I try to get the Budweiser gig, if you don't mind. | ||
| If you guys are cool with it. | ||
| I hope you guys are cool with it. | ||
| Did you find it? | ||
| You laughed. | ||
| Even more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Wiley spread video. | ||
| A county commissioner, Warren Hurst, can be seen giving minutes-long speech against what he sees as an America changing towards liberal values, arguing to make his jurisdiction a gun sanctuary, meaning that resources would be diverted away from enforcing certain gun laws. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| In the speech, Hurst lamented, Well, we got running for president in the Democratic Party saying that better candidates could be found in jail. | ||
| He continued, we got a queer running for president. | ||
| If that ain't about as ugly as you can get. | ||
| We got a queer running for president. | ||
| If that ain't about as ugly as you can get. | ||
| What do you think would happen if you became president? | ||
| How bad would the homophobia be in this country? | ||
| Through the fucking roof. | ||
| Holy shit, it'd be endless. | ||
| It almost would be worse for gay people in the short run. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like the homophobes would make... | ||
| They would be so adamant. | ||
| It would be so... | ||
| It'd be dangerous for Buttigieg. | ||
| Buttigieg. | ||
| Buttigieg would set it up. | ||
| But he doesn't have a fucking snowball's chance in hell. | ||
| I mean, he's not even remotely close. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know who kills me is that Beto O'Rourke guy? | ||
| Beto O'Rourke, yeah. | ||
| He seems like a joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like someone said, look, dude... | ||
| Here's the sketch. | ||
| For the next 24 months, you are going to pretend you're running for president. | ||
| And I just want you to skateboard and say a bunch of dumb shit. | ||
| Speak Spanish. | ||
| Real clumsy with the way you talk about things. | ||
| Tell them you're going to take their guns. | ||
| Just say it openly. | ||
| Say, fuck the Second Amendment. | ||
| I'm taking your guns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me. | |
| Beta. | ||
| Beta or Rourke. | ||
| I'm going to be Alpha Osantino the next time I run. | ||
| It's like, you know how Ali G, he has these characters. | ||
| Sasha Baron Cohen. | ||
| He has the fucking Borat character. | ||
| He has the gay character. | ||
| It's almost like a character. | ||
| Yeah, like a fictional person. | ||
| Like a super emo sort of... | ||
| Sam Tripoli had a picture of Beto. | ||
| On his Instagram saying, don't ever forget this when this guy runs for president. | ||
| It's him covered with letters. | ||
| Like letters all over his body. | ||
| This is like vegan, feminist. | ||
| It's like writing all over his body. | ||
| And I said to Sam, is that really him? | ||
| He's like, fuck yeah it is. | ||
| But I don't know if Sam really knows. | ||
| Yeah, I was just going to say. | ||
| I don't know if Sam's done any research at all. | ||
| Sam and I have endless, endless arguments that go fucking nowhere. | ||
| But it's so perfect. | ||
| I almost hope it is him. | ||
| I'm looking for that exact picture. | ||
| The only thing I do know about him before this was happening was that he was known to be in this thing called the Cult of the Dead Cow, which is like a hacker group back in the day. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| One of our first hacker groups, you know, like when the movie Hackers was a thing, like that time period, I think. | ||
| It must come from that. | ||
| The cult of the dead. | ||
| Of him being covered with all the words? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I don't know what the... | ||
| No, it's like him in his underwear with writing all over his body. | ||
| Did you see that they fucking changed the ABCs? | ||
| Yeah, how'd they do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why'd they do that? | |
| Now they don't, now it's not, you know, because our youth, you know, you learn LMNO. LMNOP. So now it's not LMNO. Why? | ||
| They sing it L, M, N, they change the rhythm of the fucking song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, why did they do that? | |
| Because they don't want kids to say LMNO to get confused that those are not separate, that they are separate letters. | ||
| I saw it yesterday. | ||
| Who's the they that changed it, though? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The one guy recorded a new version of the song and went viral. | ||
| But it's all over the place. | ||
| Who's the they that's getting confused? | ||
| Is it going in schools? | ||
| That's the only thing. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's everywhere, though. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| But did you find the Beto thing? | ||
| I'm looking for the picture. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think I saved it in my favorites. | ||
| I see a bunch of older pictures of them back then. | ||
| I was going to save you on Sam's Instagram. | ||
| No, but did you look at Sam's Instagram? | ||
| Yeah, it's on his gram, right. | ||
| Or you could ask Sam to send it to you. | ||
| I didn't have it in my favorites. | ||
| I probably was so disturbed by it, I didn't make it a favorite. | ||
| You know, it's Sam's wallpaper on his phone, I'm sure. | ||
| Sam's wallpaper in his house. | ||
| Send us. | ||
| I don't see it on his Instagram. | ||
| It's pretty far back. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, it's like six months ago. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, maybe too far back, because he posts every day. | ||
| It might not be worth it. | ||
| I was just going to say. | ||
| Just Instagram Sam Tripoli Beto. | ||
| What a weird name, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beto. | |
| Beto. | ||
| It's so close to Beto. | ||
| Beto O'Rourke. | ||
| He seems like such a silly guy. | ||
| And then that girl, Katie Hill, announced her resignment because she's getting harassed. | ||
| She was banging a dude. | ||
| And a woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thruples, baby. | ||
| She was banging a guy and a girl? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Well, the girl she openly admitted to, the guy she said was, there was false rumors about their work sexual relationship, that they never hooked up at work or some bullshit like that. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
| That her husband, that's probably part of it, that she's married. | ||
| But that her husband, comma, problem one, that he's being emotionally abusive to her by, like, releasing all this information about her cheating. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| He's being emotionally abusive. | ||
| Imagine if it was a wife doing that about a male. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| No one would say that. | ||
| You would never say that she's being emotionally abusive about her cheating husband. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| That's hilarious! | ||
| But this article that I read said he's being emotionally abusive about her past, about her, whatever, infidelity. | ||
| Yeah, her infidelity, right. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Well, because they got video. | ||
| You know, there's video of her. | ||
| Of her banging girls and guys? | ||
| Yeah, hooking up with these people and pictures and all this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Some comic had a funny tweet this morning that was like... | ||
| I just, like, the idea of a thruple's kind of hot, but when you saw the picture of who she hooked up with, you're like, oh, bummer. | ||
| Well, sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes it's better just... | ||
| The imagination. | ||
| I found the picture Sam put update. | ||
| I know this is not a real picture of Beto. | ||
| Oh, he updated it. | ||
| He updated it. | ||
| I caught it before it was an update. | ||
| I just asked him for it, too. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| He said, no, never mind. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's not what I was going to think. | ||
| I didn't think I was going to find that either. | ||
| That's not what I thought I said. | ||
| But imagine if it was real. | ||
| Put the picture up. | ||
| Yeah, I want to see it regardless. | ||
| Put the picture up so Tripoli... | ||
| There, look at that. | ||
| Look, look, look, look, look. | ||
| Foundest, atheist, vegan, naturist? | ||
| Is that a word? | ||
| Naturist? | ||
| Ecologist, queer, slut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Okay. | ||
| That's someone's boy. | ||
| And that's not a real picture. | ||
| It's a picture of someone, but not Beto. | ||
| But it looks exactly like him. | ||
| It looks a lot like him. | ||
| I think Tripoli thought it was him. | ||
| He was hoping. | ||
| In the old days, you could just say it's him. | ||
| Yeah, what is it? | ||
| Show a picture. | ||
| I promise, man. | ||
| You promise? | ||
| I promise it's him. | ||
| He's a Mason, too. | ||
| What? | ||
| Man, when people are Masons, everybody freaks out. | ||
| I'm so ignorant I don't really know what that is, but I see it all the time. | ||
| It's an ancient group that you could belong to. | ||
| I know that, but it's still happening today. | ||
| I don't understand who becomes a Mason today. | ||
| Michael Chavello is a Mason, and I think Pat Miletic is a Mason as well. | ||
| Someone else? | ||
| Randall Carlson, I think you're right. | ||
| How do you go through it? | ||
| Is there like a fraternal fucking... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's like... | ||
| Some guy explained it to me once in Houston. | ||
| Some dude. | ||
| And he seemed pretty honest. | ||
| He's like, ah, it's a fucking guys club. | ||
| You hang out. | ||
| Like the Rotary Club? | ||
| It's like some secret shit. | ||
| It's gone on forever and ever. | ||
| He goes, but it's nothing. | ||
| It's mostly just a place where guys hang out. | ||
| They say that. | ||
| What do you think they're really doing? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Planning some fucked up shit, though. | ||
| That's really where people plan stuff. | ||
| They go... | ||
| Don't worry about us, it's nothing. | ||
| Government takeover type shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who did we talk to in the car that said that they were saying they think... | ||
| Oh, that Dave's talking about Snowden, saying that he's... | ||
| Oh, yeah, controlled opposition. | ||
| Controlled opposition, yeah. | ||
| That term bugs the shit out of me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I've heard it so many times used about me. | ||
| Your controlled opposition. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I did. | ||
| My entire life, what I did was I got into martial arts. | ||
| I became a martial arts guy, taught martial arts, got into stand-up comedy. | ||
| But it was really just to become controlled opposition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All of it. | ||
| This career... | ||
| You know, putting together a podcast, all that. | ||
| Talking shit, smoking weed with Elon Musk. | ||
| It's just controlled opposition. | ||
| It was just a long, slow play. | ||
| It's a big, long play. | ||
| A long play. | ||
| It's basically the Chinese government got a hold of me when I was a baby, and they groomed me. | ||
| Did they? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Wow, I didn't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| See, the thing is, people on the outside, you know, have you ever had someone, like, come up with a theory about you, that you read it, you're like, what? | ||
| I'm gay, according to the internet. | ||
| That's my favorite one. | ||
| How'd you become gay? | ||
| Because I said on a post one time that I married Chris D'Elia, that we were, like, running away, and, like, a foreign publication got a hold of it, that, like, the English translation's hysterical. | ||
| What do you think the original language was? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Foreign. | ||
| Just foreign, foreign. | ||
| But it just says I'm gay. | ||
| If you look it up, is Andrew Santino gay? | ||
| It says a lot of things say I'm gay. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Yeah, I'm actually kind of stoked about it. | ||
| If you were gay, would you be a top or a bottom? | ||
| I'd be a power bottom. | ||
| What is a power bottom? | ||
| I push back. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| We wear boots? | ||
| I thrust hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Grips and shit. | ||
| Gloves. | ||
| I wear fingerless gloves. | ||
| I slam back. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Like the kind that guys work out in the park? | ||
| You know those guys that wear those work gloves? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, there I am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gay. | |
| Andrew Santito married with wife or gay man. | ||
| Bio hints what sexuality might be. | ||
| Live ramp up? | ||
| That's the name of the website. | ||
| Look at you and Delia. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| You look gay in that picture. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You look like you're looking at a dick. | ||
| I'm so hungry for it. | ||
| Hungry, hungry, hungry. | ||
| Yeah, it says I'm gay, dude. | ||
| So I guess I am. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| At least you're not controlled opposition. | ||
| I am, though. | ||
| You're both? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a government experiment. | |
| Those gloves, those workout gloves, all those guys who work out in the park, who do those crazy calisthenics guys, they wear these work gloves. | ||
| They wear work gloves when they work out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been fucking fascinated by these videos. | ||
| You ever pay attention to those workout in the park guys? | ||
| The street workout guys? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You've seen the prison workout guys. | ||
| The fucking shit that they can do. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, these guys in the park is what I'm talking about. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| They do it outside now. | ||
| They take prison workouts and they teach them in the park. | ||
| There's a guy that does a YouTube thing that's like prison workouts in the park and shit. | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| There's a guy who has park workouts. | ||
| I didn't know it was prison workouts in the park. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I don't know if this guy wears the gloves, but he uses whatever he can, right? | ||
| Well, these guys are just using, like, the monkey bars and, like, parallel bars and chin-up bars and stuff that you find. | ||
| You know how those workout areas in parks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These guys, man, the fucking build on these dudes. | ||
| Yeah, they're jacked. | ||
| And the fucking feats of strength that they do, where they'll do a chin-up, keep their legs extended. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is the name of this YouTube channel? | ||
| Bar stars. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| This is an older video, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| 2011. There's a bunch of these. | ||
| Believe it or not, this guy does not have an impressive physique in comparison to a lot of these fucking guys. | ||
| No, truthfully, some of these guys are, it's un-fucking-real. | ||
| Yeah, but it's an amazing way to exercise when you realize, like, this shit. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| This guy's doing dips, but he's doing dips with his legs almost parallel to the floor behind him. | ||
| That requires freakish control of your body. | ||
| There's so many of these guys too. | ||
| It's an incredible way to work out. | ||
| You really realize, man, you don't need a gym. | ||
| To get a body like that, like, who wouldn't be happy with a body like that? | ||
| Who'd be like, man, I gotta lift some weights? | ||
| That's about as good a body as you can get. | ||
| And these fucking guys are all doing it at the gym. | ||
| I mean, at these, you know, these gym setups in the park. | ||
| You can get a fucking amazing workout. | ||
| It's just a lot of push-up setups and pull-ups, right? | ||
| That's the majority of it. | ||
| Yeah, this guy looks good. | ||
| I mean, you see some guy, there was one guy that did it who was, well, I'm 52. You see one guy who did it who was 63. Jamie. | ||
| But he's in good shape. | ||
| He's in good shape. | ||
| But one guy who did it was 63, but there was a guy that I was looking at the other day that was 35 years old, and he looked like a fucking comic book superhero. | ||
| And the dude was talking to him. | ||
| So you see they're all having those gloves. | ||
| But they were talking to this dude, and they were like, this is all you do? | ||
| You don't lift anyways? | ||
| He's like, I don't touch weights, man. | ||
| All I do. | ||
| All I do. | ||
| Like this fucking guy. | ||
| Look at the fucking build on this guy. | ||
| Look at his muscle-ups. | ||
| And Jamie's been trying to do a muscle-up for four years now. | ||
| This guy's just throwing six, seven muscle-ups, eight. | ||
| Freakish. | ||
| This is a great transition from is Andrew gay to then me and you watching men do pull-ups. | ||
| This is going to be great for the internet. | ||
| But the build that these guys create just from doing muscle-ups. | ||
| Can you do one? | ||
| Can you do a muscle-up now, Jeremy? | ||
| This guy's at 12. He did 12 fucking muscle-ups. | ||
| That's insane, man. | ||
| He's dying at 12. Oh my god, that's it. | ||
| But they all wear those work gloves. | ||
| Like, look at the fucking shredded these guys are. | ||
| It's an amazing way to work out, man, because it's all body weights. | ||
| You know, it's all chin-ups and dips and push-ups, and they figure out a way to do them in all sorts of different ways, right? | ||
| They figure out a way to do these chin-ups and dips and different angles so you're hitting the bottom of your chest, the top of your chest. | ||
| I think there's a lot of genetics involved there, too. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of hard work, man. | ||
| I don't care what kind of genetics you have. | ||
| To do what that guy just did, you need to fucking work hard for a long time. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But also, like, those guys are fucking... | ||
| That's supreme athlete shit, too. | ||
| At some point, they're blessed with, like, athletic skill to be able to get to that point. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Some people can work out a lot and still never be able to do a fucking muscle up. | ||
| You're pointing to Jamie like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| I just had an injury I've been recovering from. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| He fell while he was using one of our hoverboards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I told him not to fuck with those. | ||
| Dude, he did. | ||
| He fucked his back up hard. | ||
| Wait, the one wheel thing? | ||
| No, the other one. | ||
| The two wheel ones. | ||
| I don't like those fucking things. | ||
| Those are great. | ||
| You ate shit? | ||
| Oh, did he eat shit. | ||
| Feet up. | ||
| Feet up. | ||
| Broke a camera. | ||
| Back first. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Oh shit, really? | ||
| I had my camera in my hand. | ||
| I was getting real confident and thought I could start filming while I was going around on it. | ||
| Cocky boy. | ||
| And I stopped to just look at the lens. | ||
| Next thing I know, I was like on the ground, cameras broke. | ||
| They got me on that one wheel thing. | ||
| He's been hurt for like over a year. | ||
| What did you hurt the most? | ||
| His dick hole? | ||
| It literally, I don't know what it went through, but it fucked up my posture because it started in my back. | ||
| I couldn't sit right for a while. | ||
| Then it just started problems down in my left leg and hip and Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah, not good. | ||
| Yeah, if you can't sit right, man, you can get a bulging disc easy. | ||
| You know how people get bulging discs? | ||
| Guys with big wallets. | ||
| You have like a wallet, you keep too many business cards. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's real. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| Guys, you're sitting on your wallet and all your weight's on one ass cheek and your disc gets compressed on one side. | ||
| And you're hunched at a computer all day. | ||
| And after a while, it bulges. | ||
| You know who doesn't have a wallet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me. | |
| How about Jamie? | ||
| Jamie doesn't have a wallet either. | ||
| Jamie doesn't either. | ||
| I put all my shit in my front pocket. | ||
| That's from when I was a kid. | ||
| What do you do with your credit cards? | ||
| My front pocket? | ||
| You don't have a clip or anything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Bro, you ever see a Ridge wallet? | ||
| You know what those are? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Get one of those. | ||
| Yeah, I used to push them on my show. | ||
| I don't like wallets. | ||
| I don't love wallets. | ||
| What do you like? | ||
| I just liked having cash and cards. | ||
| Oh, you have a case on your phone now. | ||
| I do now. | ||
| I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. | ||
| I used to never have a case. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| It broke. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's made out of glass? | ||
| No. | ||
| You're not stupid anymore? | ||
| No, I'm still fucking stupid. | ||
| I put a case on it because the AppleCare is gone on this thing now. | ||
| Oh, someone's scared. | ||
| No, it's just because the phone is done. | ||
| It's like I paid the phone off and then there's no AppleCare anymore left. | ||
| I've been scared. | ||
| No, I just... | ||
| I don't want to have to deal with it now. | ||
| Oh, you were dealing with it before. | ||
| No, I just... | ||
| If I did break it, I would just go get a new one. | ||
| So you're one of those guys when you have car insurance, you drive like an asshole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Do you get rental insurance? | ||
| Do you get rental insurance or no? | ||
| No, because my insurance has it covered already. | ||
| Yeah, but they try to get it for you, right? | ||
| Yeah, but I always... | ||
| Would you like coverage? | ||
| I treat those things like shit. | ||
| Collision coverage? | ||
| I'm crashing it. | ||
| Yeah, you... | ||
| I mean, I have a fun car. | ||
| I'm going to drive it fun. | ||
| I want to drive it fun. | ||
| You do. | ||
| You know. | ||
| You know. | ||
| I'm not that guy. | ||
| What guy? | ||
| I'm not the guy that pulls up. | ||
| Don't point at me. | ||
| I didn't probably point it up at the sky. | ||
| You're pointing at me. | ||
| I'm not that guy. | ||
| Who's he pointing at? | ||
| It's all a finger going straight across from yourself. | ||
| Oh, fuck you, Jamie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| Jamie, don't fall off a fucking hoverboard again. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Fall on the other side and balance yourself out. | ||
| He's got a scooter with handles now, think. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He's got a power scooter. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| It goes fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What do you mean a power scooter? | ||
| Like a fucking... | ||
| Like a bird scooter, but like way faster. | ||
| It goes like 25 miles an hour, like a Usain Bolt sprint. | ||
| Is that a custom made? | ||
| Did you get that? | ||
| You can't buy that. | ||
| You just buy it? | ||
| Buy it from China. | ||
| They're trying to kill white people. | ||
| Hell yeah, they are. | ||
| I think it's made in America, actually. | ||
| Fuck yeah, China. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| The pieces are probably compiled. | ||
| Assembled in China. | ||
| They got me on the one wheel out there. | ||
| I learned it real fast. | ||
| How many of those MAGA hats were made in China? | ||
| Every single one. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I think they are. | ||
| Every single one. | ||
| Every fucking one. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| MAGA hats being made in China is fucking funny. | ||
| You know fashion-wise, when he's gone and all this shit's over within a decade or so, those hats are going to be so fucking popular. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And be worth so much money. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's like Dick Nixon. | ||
| Like Richard Nixon t-shirts. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They're very valuable. | ||
| Tricky dick. | ||
| You could wear a Nixon t-shirt right now. | ||
| Nixon for president. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Nobody would say shit. | ||
| Nobody would beat your ass. | ||
| No. | ||
| Why? | ||
| No. | ||
| People will beat your ass if you have a red hat with other white letters on it. | ||
| Yeah, just cause. | ||
| Like, there's a girl who got maced in the face and she had a hat that said, Make Bitcoin Great Again. | ||
| Someone didn't read it. | ||
| They just were like... | ||
| You didn't bother reading it. | ||
| Fuck you with your red hat with white letters. | ||
| They maced her right in the face. | ||
| A video of it. | ||
| No, I'm ignorant. | ||
| But has this happened for any other president where this kind of thing... | ||
| Like, did someone wear shirts for another president and that was kind of the thing? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| This is number one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking crazy. | |
| Not only that, dude. | ||
| How about what it says? | ||
| Make America great again. | ||
| Who was like, fuck you! | ||
| We don't want it to be great! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you! | |
| It's just the representation, the context. | ||
| They just associate Trump, so they're like, that's it. | ||
| It's also, again. | ||
| Like, make it great again. | ||
| Like, when was it great? | ||
| When slavery was legal? | ||
| When was it great? | ||
| When civil rights wars were going on? | ||
| When was it great? | ||
| Yeah, the phrase is inherently fucking wrong. | ||
| When things are segregated? | ||
| When was it great? | ||
| Name the great time. | ||
| When was it great? | ||
| When we first came here and we stole it from people? | ||
| I'll tell you when it's great. | ||
| Right now, bitch. | ||
| It's as good as it's ever been. | ||
| It's not going to get better than this. | ||
| If you pay attention to real trends, forget about how you feel. | ||
| Forget about your own personal experience. | ||
| If you just look at objective trends in terms of violence, crime, all the statistics that we're all really terrified about, there's never been a better time. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's never been a better time for humanity. | ||
| But it's always going to be... | ||
| The United States, it's a pretty goddamn good time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good. | |
| We always were our best critic, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Well, fucking Trump just went after Chicago again. | ||
| He just was making fun of my city because of the crime rate, saying how we can't get it under control. | ||
| I was talking about the cops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chicago cops. | ||
| Yeah, saying that we can't get crime under control in Chicago. | ||
| Well, he's probably making fun of the mayor, you know, in some way. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's blaming it on the mayor. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's your favorite mayor. | ||
| Yeah, I love her. | ||
| Well, it's just easy to make fun of. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| She seems like a nice lady, though. | ||
| We just get shots. | ||
| Chicago gets shots taken at it all the time because it's like, they're like, it's fucking, it's all violence. | ||
| It's like, it's not all fucking violence. | ||
| Well, that's what's even more fucked about it. | ||
| It's a very specific area that has had extreme violence for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, south side and the west side. | ||
| Yeah, it's dark, man. | ||
| It's fucking so much... | ||
| Meanwhile... | ||
| It's scary when you have a place where it's isolated, where there's just so much violence there, and then outside of it, it's really nice. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| But some of the nice areas we're getting, even, like, kids would do these things, they'd do these mob attacks, where they'd go to, like, a really nice area, like Michigan Avenue, where all the tourists are and shit. | ||
| And they would just, like, rob someone, but they'd be, like, 15 people on one, you know? | ||
| So they knew that, A, they were gonna get away with it, and B, how could you stop? | ||
| It's kind of so much chaos. | ||
| It's, like, organized chaos. | ||
| And they would run into a store and steal shit and just leave. | ||
| Because they figure, you're not gonna get all of us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's, like, maybe one person gets caught. | ||
| But robbed from the rich, you know? | ||
| I saw a video of... | ||
| I don't know how many times I've done it right now, but it's happened three times in California, twice here or somewhere else. | ||
| Probably 200 people get on those scooters and just take over a street and then just go wherever they can go. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| And the cops are trying to stop them, but there's so many people they can't stop and the helicopters are on them. | ||
| Do they organize online? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Like Facebook meetups or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What are those things called? | ||
| They're having fun. | ||
| What are those things called when people have flash mobs? | ||
| Flash mobs. | ||
| They have a flash mob for scooters? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, I haven't seen anything dangerous happening, but I mean, I'm sure it's... | ||
| Speaking of dangerous, what do you think about what Trump did when they killed the head of ISIS and he said he died crying and whimpering? | ||
| And then he watched the whole thing on video. | ||
| I'm like, Jesus. | ||
| He's like a deranged comedy writer. | ||
| Sometimes I think he's trying to be funny or clever, and it's like an autistic kid. | ||
| His tick is wrong. | ||
| But that just does not seem very presidential. | ||
| No, his tick is off. | ||
| I think he thinks it's normal or fun or interesting or dynamic, and people are like... | ||
| He has no one person next to him going... | ||
| Dewey, is that the version that you want to say? | ||
| We talked about that on the plane. | ||
| It's like the theory of how do you tell someone they're wrong when things have told them that they're right? | ||
| How do you tell the guy that's like, I won against all odds to become the president when someone's like, you shouldn't tweet that. | ||
| He's like, really? | ||
| Look at all the fucking other stuff. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's hard to convince this guy that he's wrong when he feels right. | ||
| Well, if anybody tells him not to do things, he fires them. | ||
| Yeah, they're gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's just kind of like he has a bunch of yes men anyway. | ||
| Well, he's treating the presidency the same way he treats running Trump Tower. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's basically the same thing. | ||
| You're fired. | ||
| Everybody tells him what to do, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You're fired. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's just doing it on a large scale. | ||
| But do we expect differently? | ||
| That's what's weird. | ||
| Like, what would you expect different out of a guy who's 70, what is he, 74? | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| Mid-70s, yeah. | ||
| Dude, that's so old, too. | ||
| To be running a giant fucking thing like the presidency. | ||
| Loves McDonald's, baby. | ||
| Loves McDonald's. | ||
| I know he loves Kentucky Fried Chicken. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| What? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Oh no, it's 73. 73? | ||
| Did you see the photo that they put out yesterday? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| A lot of people were saying this is a staged photo. | ||
| Yeah, it looks photoshopped. | ||
| It looks fake as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, all the things aren't plugged in to the Cat5 wires. | ||
| They just kind of laid them around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All the guys are kind of looking in different directions. | ||
| Who fucking let that... | ||
| What kind of IT guy let that thing be so goddamn sloppy? | ||
| What is this supposed to be a photo of? | ||
| Them watching that happen, because they're trying to compare it to the one that happened, the Obama one, when they killed Bin Laden and everyone stood around the war room. | ||
| How weird is it they all watch? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| There's a bunch of photos. | ||
| Go down, there's a bunch of photoshopped ones that are coming out now. | ||
| Yeah, no, they're making jokes of it now. | ||
| There's Hulk Hogan. | ||
| Look at Hulk Hogan. | ||
| Sarah Palin's in there. | ||
| Bruce Willis is in the back. | ||
| We saw a video this weekend of Hulk Hogan checking down some guy at a restaurant. | ||
| He was on crutches, and some guy must have said something fucking stupid to him. | ||
| And he walked up to him, and he was giving him the whole, like, I'm a personality, but I'll still bust your... | ||
| That's what I like about guys like that, that are like, yeah, no, I'm famous, and like... | ||
| You know, you can be like cute and hello and say, but like talk shit and I'll still fuck you up. | ||
| Like Hulk Hogan will fuck you up. | ||
| He's a big fella. | ||
| He's a bad bitch. | ||
| We were saying that he lost like three plus inches of height because of all of his back operations. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they removed all of his discs and fused them all together. | ||
| So all the cushion in between his discs are all gone. | ||
| It's fucking nuts. | ||
| All the spinal columns are all smooshed together and bolted down in so many different places. | ||
| And that's all from? | ||
| From pro wrestling, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So hard on your body. | ||
| It does take such a toll on their fucking body, as much as I think it's still goofball bullshit. | ||
| Oh my god, it's so hard physically. | ||
| So hard physically. | ||
| Well, that's why Dallas Page created DDP Yoga. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I mean, he really created that just to strengthen his spine and rehabilitate himself from all the injuries that he incurred during pro wrestling. | ||
| He's the shit. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| He's a great dude. | ||
| And that fucking workout is hard as shit. | ||
| Yeah, you see like in-shape dudes trying it online and they're struggling. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's fucking hard, man. | ||
| Look, yoga's hard. | ||
| And his yoga's particularly intense because he adds a lot of dynamic tension to it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And, you know, that guy's, I mean, he's in his 60s and he came here and he was doing some yoga poses like grabbing a hold of his ankle and lifting it up over his head. | ||
| He's in fucking tremendous shape. | ||
| I've never done yoga once. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I know. | ||
| People say it's good. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Come with me, bitch. | ||
| I don't want to do hot. | ||
| I don't want to do hot. | ||
| Oh, I'm scared to do hot. | ||
| No, I'm not scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to sweat. | |
| I'm sure I run five miles, but I'm scared to do yoga. | ||
| Fucking dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so scared. | |
| Why don't you do it hot? | ||
| It's the best way to do it. | ||
| Sh, Jamie! | ||
| It's the best way because you stretch out better. | ||
| You're just ganging up on me right now. | ||
| Plus, it's good for your body because it develops heat shock proteins that mimic what's like being in an sauna. | ||
| Is regular yoga fine? | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| Okay, we'll do that then. | ||
| Why don't you do hot yoga? | ||
| Why don't we do regular yoga? | ||
| Why don't you do hot yoga? | ||
| Because I don't want to be the guy in hot yoga. | ||
| Ari did 15 of them in a month. | ||
| He doesn't even work out. | ||
| He takes acid every day. | ||
| Ari's a dosist. | ||
| You're going to trust a guy that doses people? | ||
| Yeah, trust him well. | ||
| He wouldn't dose me. | ||
| He's my friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's okay. | |
| So I'm going to say that to Bert. | ||
| He does Bert because he's a fucking diabolical person. | ||
| He does Bert because he felt he'd get away with it. | ||
| Okay, I'll do hot yoga. | ||
| It was a lapse in judgment that he has sent to apologize for. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| I'll do hot yoga if you come play basketball with me and Jamie. | ||
| I would do that, but basketball's hard on the joints, man. | ||
| All that side-to-side motion. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Come on, baby. | ||
| Street basketball? | ||
| What are we going to do? | ||
| How would we play basketball with him? | ||
| Because that'd be tough. | ||
| 21 or something? | ||
| We'll do 21, yeah. | ||
| Smoke him. | ||
| I don't know how to play basketball. | ||
| I'm terrible. | ||
| I know, but that's fun. | ||
| I don't know how to do yoga. | ||
| I'll look like a clown doing that. | ||
| Yoga's not a competition. | ||
| It won't really be that competitive. | ||
| How well do you play? | ||
| Do you play good? | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| It'll be fun. | ||
| Fun for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is the same yoga shit. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm going to eat shit. | ||
| How about we do jiu-jitsu first? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then we'll see if you can play yoga. | ||
| Okay, that's fine. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's fine. | ||
| I'll put you in a heel hook. | ||
| See if you can move around good. | ||
| That's fucking fine. | ||
| Let's do yoga then. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll do the hot yoga. | ||
| I can play 21. I mean, I won't win. | ||
| You know what the problem is with yoga for me, for real? | ||
| Jamie can fucking sink some three-pointers. | ||
| I don't even know if you know how good Jamie is. | ||
| There's a video of Jamie doing jump shots, just swish, catches the ball, swish. | ||
| Dude, dude, dude. | ||
| I know. | ||
| No, really. | ||
| I bet Jamie smokes you. | ||
| Fifth in the city. | ||
| I got all my money on young Jamie. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| How much? | ||
| How much? | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Here we go, baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much? | |
| Put up that coin. | ||
| How about $1,000? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, what's the game? | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| We're playing... | ||
| Not one-on-one. | ||
| We're playing... | ||
| We're doing... | ||
| Okay, let's play... | ||
| You guys can play horse. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I got $1,000 on him. | ||
| I can't wait to film it. | ||
| Jamie, you in? | ||
| No, of course... | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Yeah, he's in. | ||
| Oh, you're getting smoked, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Then we'll do Home Run Derby. | ||
| And I'm going to spend that $1,000. | ||
| I'll take us all out to dinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Whatever's left, I'll give to the waiter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Okay, good. | ||
| We're in. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| I can't wait. | ||
| Well, should we film it? | ||
| Yeah, we should. | ||
| Where do we do it, though? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Staples Center? | ||
| We should make a basketball court next door. | ||
| We could do it. | ||
| We might have a little bit of space in here. | ||
| There's a couple of feet, right? | ||
| There's plenty of room, man. | ||
| There's like two or three feet. | ||
| I do want to do a pool show. | ||
| I've been talking about this. | ||
| Jamie and I have been talking about this for how many years now? | ||
| All of them that I've been around. | ||
| It's about seven now. | ||
| We filmed a few times. | ||
| Like, one time we filmed Fitzsimmons and I playing pool. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| He's good at pool, right? | ||
| Yeah, Fitzsimmons can play. | ||
| Who's the best that you've played? | ||
| Artie Lang. | ||
| Artie Lang can play. | ||
| Yeah, he can? | ||
| Yeah, he can play. | ||
| He can play play. | ||
| Yeah, he can... | ||
| He doesn't have, like... | ||
| Some guys are good at pocketing balls. | ||
| Some guys are good at moving the ball around. | ||
| I don't know any comedians that are really good at moving the ball around. | ||
| Positioning? | ||
| You have to have a stroke. | ||
| Meaning, can you draw the ball full table length? | ||
| I know no comedians other than myself that can do that. | ||
| No comedians other than myself that have actually played in real tournaments. | ||
| I don't play that good now, but when I was playing a lot, I was like a B player. | ||
| A B-level player. | ||
| A legit B-level player. | ||
| I've run four racks in a row of nine malls. | ||
| Broken ran four racks in a row. | ||
| I've run 70-plus balls playing straight pool. | ||
| That's not world-class, not professional-level, but I'm a legit, what they would call a shortstop player. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what, Artie's around that same level? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, he's a little lower than me. | ||
| Lower than you. | ||
| Yeah, but he'd play. | ||
| Dom Herrera can play a little bit. | ||
| Adam Ferrara can play. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He plays pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why don't you do a pool show? | ||
| I should do a pool show. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| How do you make it entertaining? | ||
| I mean, it just naturally will be. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| You just talking shit, playing pool, having fun? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| We'd have to give people wired mics, and it would have to... | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it could be fun. | ||
| It could be fun. | ||
| It could be fun. | ||
| But I mean, how many people can play? | ||
| How many people can legit... | ||
| I would have to bring... | ||
| Here's one thing that I could do that would be fun. | ||
| Bring in pros and just get stomped. | ||
| That would be fun as shit. | ||
| To watch them do tricks on us to shit on you. | ||
| And bring girl pros in and have them stomp me. | ||
| What's that Asian woman? | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| The Black Widow? | ||
| Oh, Jeanette Lee. | ||
| She's fucking awesome. | ||
| She's very good. | ||
| But she's not the best. | ||
| No, she's not? | ||
| No, she's really good, but she's had some severe, also severe back problems. | ||
| She had scoliosis, a bunch of back surgeries. | ||
| But she's, you know, she's way better than me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's like, she's legit. | ||
| Could a pro be able to teach a comedian well enough to compete against you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| In a short period of time? | ||
| It takes a long time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, I know. | |
| It's like golf. | ||
| It's like golf. | ||
| It takes years. | ||
| It would take years. | ||
| I could not play for a year. | ||
| You could take a person that doesn't know how to play, and they could play every day for a year, and I'll still crush them. | ||
| Why don't you want to play golf? | ||
| Because I'm scared. | ||
| It's such a specific, wonderful... | ||
| You would love golf. | ||
| I know! | ||
| That's why I don't want to play it. | ||
| Yeah, you should. | ||
| Dude, I have a real problem with games. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Oh, he would fucking love golf. | ||
| I feel like it'd be two rounds before every show. | ||
| You guys go anywhere. | ||
| I'd be like running out of time. | ||
| And I would use some rounds. | ||
| I just love that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Ron White is the fucking king. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| Look at his Instagram. | ||
| It's always pictures of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You know, two shows tonight. | ||
| Right now I'm playing golf. | ||
| Dude, it's right up your alley. | ||
| The specifics, the technique. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| It's like exactly what you like. | ||
| I'm not interested. | ||
| It's one more thing on your plate. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Too many things, and it also takes a lot of time. | ||
| Golf takes time. | ||
| You want to play 18 holes? | ||
| That shit takes hours. | ||
| No, you would just start with nine is what you would do, though. | ||
| Okay, how many hours does that take? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two. | |
| You can do it in under two. | ||
| If you walk and it takes long, you get in that cart, you can play speed golf. | ||
| Dude, you can knock out nine holes in an hour and 25 minutes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes, absolutely. | ||
| Especially if you don't suck, too. | ||
| I suck. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| I don't want to learn. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| Dude, I'm obsessed right now with handguns. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I'm obsessed right now, doing tactical ranges. | ||
| I'm obsessed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I saw that. | |
| Yeah, but I gotta back off it a little bit. | ||
| Because I wanted to go every day. | ||
| Yeah, but why is that bad? | ||
| Because it's fucking crazy! | ||
| I'm crazy! | ||
| I can't throw gas on the fucking dry twigs and throw a match and run away. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Do you take something out when you add something in, or is it just piling and piling and piling? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It'll get in the way of my writing. | ||
| It'll get in the way of, you know, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| See, I find when I play, when I golf, it's my favorite time to think. | ||
| Your head's clear, you're in nature, there's nothing going on. | ||
| Right, and you're trying to knock that ball to the hole. | ||
| And the whole point of good golfers will tell you that you shouldn't be having a million thoughts about it. | ||
| You should be kind of fluid and in the moment a little bit. | ||
| So that's the best play you can play. | ||
| Sounds like hot yoga. | ||
| I'm going to do it. | ||
| I'm going to do it. | ||
| Hot yoga definitely takes only an hour and a half. | ||
| I'm going to do it, but if in the middle of it I want to bail, I'm going to bail. | ||
| You can't bail, pussy. | ||
| It's not pussy. | ||
| I don't want to sit in this hot... | ||
| Why does it have to be hot? | ||
| Because it's hard. | ||
| It makes it difficult. | ||
| Oh, it's not difficult. | ||
| Test your will. | ||
| It feels annoying. | ||
| I don't like hot stuff. | ||
| I don't like hot rooms. | ||
| What about hot food? | ||
| I like spicy food. | ||
| What about a hot coffee? | ||
| I like ice better. | ||
| This is that old theory. | ||
| It's like, would you rather be cold all the time or hot all the time? | ||
| I'd always rather be cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd be hot. | |
| Take hot. | ||
| What would you take? | ||
| Well, it depends on how hot. | ||
| I don't want 120. I don't want Phoenix in the summer. | ||
| Would you rather live in Alaska all year round or by the equator all year round? | ||
| Would you rather live in Phoenix, Arizona or Anchorage? | ||
| Phoenix is great. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| And in the summertime, you just find a place with AC. I live there. | ||
| It's awful in the summer. | ||
| 120 is too much. | ||
| It gets rough. | ||
| But the winter's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, it's beautiful. | ||
| But I'd rather be in winter a lot more than in summer a lot more. | ||
| Do you crank a hotel room up or down? | ||
| Because that's a big difference. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| My hotels stay at like... | ||
| When it goes, you know, like six... | ||
| Whatever it can go down below. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Yeah, I go to low as it can go. | ||
| So you're like, we in cold. | ||
| I want it freezing, baby. | ||
| But look at you. | ||
| You're like a cold climate person. | ||
| But I run hot. | ||
| Red hair, white skin. | ||
| You run hot? | ||
| I run hot. | ||
| I'm mad. | ||
| Ooh, you're mad all the time. | ||
| Always drunk, throwing up everywhere. | ||
| Puking on the plane. | ||
| Puking on the plane. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| I was blacked out. | ||
| I was drinking that morning. | ||
| I lied. | ||
| I didn't go to bed. | ||
| Puking on a fucking plane. | ||
| By the way, for those that know, puking on a plane is exactly as uncomfortable as you would fucking imagine it. | ||
| Do you bring your own golf clubs on the road? | ||
| Do you ever do that? | ||
| A lot of times. | ||
| If I'm going to a place I know I'm going to play golf. | ||
| That's when it gets crazy. | ||
| No, why? | ||
| Yeah, why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Or, if it's a nice enough course, I just will rent their clubs from them. | ||
| Oh, they have good clubs. | ||
| A nice course always has a good set of clubs. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Shitty courses have... | ||
| But I'm not playing any... | ||
| I'm playing nice courses. | ||
| If I'm going to go and play somewhere... | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That way you don't have to worry about it. | ||
| Well, dude, FedEx does ship sticks and all this stuff. | ||
| What's ship sticks? | ||
| There's places that take your clubs, they ship them for you, and they're there when you get there. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't even have to think about it. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Because, like, when you get on a plane, it's a fucking massive pain in the ass to ship. | ||
| Oh, lugging the shit around us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Shipping them is way easier. | ||
| You gotta check things, and you gotta wait at baggage claim and hope they didn't fuck with your clubs. | ||
| But I get used to it. | ||
| Like, for snowboards, I have to bring my fucking snowboard everywhere, because you don't want to ship that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I rent skis. | ||
| I always rent skis. | ||
| See, I don't like rental shit, because it's been a beat to shit. | ||
| But I have my own boots, but I rent skis. | ||
| Skis are skis. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| But I suck anyway. | ||
| Like, I'm not a good skier. | ||
| You're not? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is anybody in your family good? | ||
| Yeah, my kids are way better than me. | ||
| They're good, huh? | ||
| Yeah, they're better than me. | ||
| My 11-year-old, she always wants to go to the fucking Black Diamonds. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| She's a little daredevil. | ||
| And you won't go with her? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Hell yes. | ||
| I'm not dying. | ||
| I love that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I go rip. | ||
| She does jumps and shit. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Well, yeah, she's 11, but at some point she'll quit that. | ||
| She weighs 80 pounds. | ||
| I mean, not even. | ||
| She flies through the fucking air? | ||
| Probably 70. Yeah, she flies. | ||
| She flies and lands. | ||
| But when you go skiing, do you stay on the easy hills? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stay safe. | |
| Stay safe. | ||
| Carving nice and soft? | ||
| I don't like skiing. | ||
| I do it because they like it. | ||
| You don't like it? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It feels so fucking good. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| This is where I go. | ||
| Don't get hurt. | ||
| Didn't get hurt. | ||
| The whole time. | ||
| Don't get hurt. | ||
| Don't get hurt. | ||
| Look at this fucking asshole. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He's cutting right in front of me. | ||
| Because some dickwads. | ||
| There's always like some L.A. douche. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just a... | ||
| Just a little too cocky with his skiing and just a little too into it and probably on Adderall just fucking whizzing his way down. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| No, it is. | ||
| Listen, the older I get when I go do it, the more scared I am because of how fast people are going now. | ||
| And how dumb people are. | ||
| They'll stop in the middle of the trail and fix their ski. | ||
| Like, go off to the side, dipshit. | ||
| What, two seasons ago, I almost lost it on this poor kid. | ||
| I came over this hill, and you can't see on the other side, and he was laying down because he had fallen, and he was crying, and I'm coming over this little lip, and I'm panicking in the middle of the air. | ||
| You think you're going to hit him? | ||
| Oh my god, I think I'm going to kill him, dude. | ||
| Oh my god, can you imagine? | ||
| I think I'm going to slice his face open, and I'm... | ||
| Moving my weight through the air as I'm falling, and I eat shit. | ||
| I mean, I eat shit. | ||
| And then I throw my shit off, and I grab this kid by the jacket, and I throw him off the middle of the hill. | ||
| Probably like seven or eight. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You threw a seven or eight-year-old? | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| Did you beat him up? | ||
| Yeah, I kicked the shit out of him, little fucking bitch. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| I put him in a fucking headlock. | ||
| I say, fucking bitch. | ||
| Say Santino's the best. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| No, but I threw him off to the side. | ||
| I was like, dude, you cannot be there. | ||
| You're going to get hurt. | ||
| Like, he could have gotten fucked. | ||
| Oh, he's seven. | ||
| He doesn't know any better, bro. | ||
| I know, dude, but that's why I'm like, don't be on this side of the hill. | ||
| But that's the problem is, like, kids go on tough runs and they don't know what they're doing. | ||
| Yeah, that is a problem. | ||
| You get hurt bad. | ||
| I mean, he could have got skis and... | ||
| Well, the thing is, like, no one... | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| Like, when you go on a blue or a green... | ||
| No one tells you, hey, you're not ready for a green. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Like, let me see your certificate. | ||
| Yeah, you should have a license. | ||
| I can do it. | ||
| I can do it. | ||
| I watched this lady eat shit. | ||
| I could see it. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, she's not supposed to be in here! | ||
| Boom! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Here's how you know. | ||
| When you go to Colorado or you go to a resort and you see a guy on the gondola or going up to the top lift with jeans on, I'm always like, I'm going to follow this guy. | ||
| Or he's awesome. | ||
| He knows he's not gonna crash. | ||
| That's fucking rare. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Most of those guys know not to wear jeans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| He's like, listen, I'm not fucking crashing. | ||
| Let's go skiing with jeans. | ||
| I don't crash. | ||
| With jean jacket jeans. | ||
| Yeah, jeans with a thong over the jeans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, let's do it. | ||
| I don't mind skiing, but I don't like doing it too much. | ||
| It's just, I know so many people that have torn their ACL, already broke his wrist one year, and the year before that he broke his ankle. | ||
| He must be fucking bad. | ||
| I think he's reckless. | ||
| Yeah, he's reckless. | ||
| He's a wild person. | ||
| He wants to push it all the way to the limit. | ||
| He's probably on drugs too, let's be honest. | ||
| Yes, I was just going to say. | ||
| That's the other problem with hills is like now people are so fucked up now. | ||
| People also get so drunk and go skiing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like midday drinking up at the top of the mountain. | ||
| And you know how much I like drinking? | ||
| I don't do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I'm like, I'm not getting drunk and going down a fucking hill and then what if I hurt someone and I'm drunk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nah, I don't want to do it. | ||
| But do you see people at those mid-hill, mid-hill lodges? | ||
| Dude, chugging beer. | ||
| Yeah, no one stops you. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No one stops you from that. | ||
| No one stops you from taking mushrooms. | ||
| My friend Aubrey takes mushrooms before he skis. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Maybe he does better. | ||
| I'll take mushrooms after we ski back at the house. | ||
| Maybe take a little bit and you'll be better. | ||
| Maybe a tiny bit. | ||
| I'll take a little hit. | ||
| I'll get a little high, but I can't get... | ||
| I don't want to get fucked up and feel like I'm not in control. | ||
| When I play pool, high, I'm better. | ||
| I'm like one ball better. | ||
| Yeah, do you think it's a performance-enhancing drug? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| It is, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what do you think about its way in professional sports? | ||
| Jiu-jitsu as well. | ||
| It is for jiu-jitsu, too. | ||
| What about basketball and baseball? | ||
| I don't play basketball, but I would imagine it's similar to pool in that it's a feel thing. | ||
| You're feeling where the ball goes. | ||
| You have a certain sensitivity. | ||
| So you think it should be illegal for professional sports? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think it should be illegal because it's like it doesn't make you faster or stronger. | ||
| I think those are the things that should make you illegal. | ||
| But I think you could be just as focused without it, but for certain people it enhances your focus. | ||
| It kind of gives you tunnel vision. | ||
| But that's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's the argument is they'd say that could be an advantage. | ||
| I could see you would say it's an advantage. | ||
| It's a delicate... | ||
| I am better at jujitsu when I'm high. | ||
| I really do believe that. | ||
| Like you perform better. | ||
| Yes, I perform. | ||
| I feel better. | ||
| I feel like I'm more intuitive. | ||
| I understand positions better. | ||
| I understand where I'm going better. | ||
| You ever lift weights high? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| I hate running high. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like a lot of people like to get high and run. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| No, see, I can lift weights high, but running high, I don't. | ||
| It's not my favorite. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yoga. | ||
| Yoga high. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Okay, so that makes more sense. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| You feel like every fiber of your muscles. | ||
| You feel things stretching. | ||
| You feel where you're pushing too hard, like where things are starting to pop. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You feel it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your balance feels good. | ||
| The runner's high I get from running alone, I just feel like it's its own kind of wonderful little drug. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But lifting, because I'm such an ADD guy, that lifting is easily distractible. | ||
| You're like, there's so much to do in the gym. | ||
| You're like, what am I doing next? | ||
| I feel it, man. | ||
| I feel it. | ||
| Like when I'm doing chin-ups when I'm high, it just feels. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like lifting high. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Just baked out of your fucking mind. | ||
| What's the one thing you won't do high? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel it. | |
| Oh, commentate on the UFC. Have you done it before? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you were high and you fucked up? | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Did you eat shit? | ||
| No, I didn't, but this is my worry. | ||
| I've never done it really high. | ||
| My worry is that I wouldn't want to talk about the fights. | ||
| I'd want to talk about other things. | ||
| It just turned into this? | ||
| It would just turn into a pocket? | ||
| Yeah, if it's a boring fight, first of all, it would be extremely disrespectful if while these people who have dedicated months of their life and years of their life training and preparing, and here they are in the UFC, and I barely paid attention to the fight. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| I'm subject to not pay attention if I'm high. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| If I'm high, I could pay attention to the fucking lighting. | ||
| I'd be like, how weird is it if this lighting thing is above our head? | ||
| It's like a thousand pounds. | ||
| I've never even thought about it. | ||
| Yeah, and it could fall at any minute on accident. | ||
| How many people have died? | ||
| I'd be like, how many people have died from lighting? | ||
| They'd be like, Joe, there's a fight going on right now. | ||
| I'd be like, I know, I know, but this fight's going on all the time. | ||
| DC is like, thank you for the lighting tips, Joe. | ||
| We're going to go right back to the fight. | ||
| People would be angry at me. | ||
| Legitimately so. | ||
| It's a dick move. | ||
| Certain people can be really baked on stage. | ||
| I can be a little high, but I can't get too high and get on stage. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Like, I just feel like my performance lacks. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| Writing, like, the other side of it is enjoyable high. | ||
| Like, I love creating and writing and making high, but performing high? | ||
| Not my favorite shit. | ||
| Tell you where it's the best to be super high. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| That stand-up on the spot show? | ||
| Jeremiah Watkins show? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, yes. | ||
| Well, it's all improv. | ||
| Yes, complete improvisation. | ||
| High as a kite. | ||
| But that's because it's almost like a win-win. | ||
| That thing is like, even if you're not really coming up with shit, it's still in the moment of fun. | ||
| All of it is in the mood of fun. | ||
| But when you're in the main room performing, fuck that. | ||
| How about when you're doing a fucking arena? | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I mean, we've gotten a little high before big shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, we have. | |
| But I can't get ripped. | ||
| If I'm ripped, I'm not focused. | ||
| I've gotten ripped. | ||
| The most ripped I've ever gotten is before podcasts. | ||
| In the early days of podcasting, we were talking about this the other day, and I would be in the middle of talking not knowing what the fuck I was talking about. | ||
| And I'd be like, wait a minute, that's not right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What am I saying? | ||
| What am I even saying? | ||
| There were so many podcasts that if I look back on these cringy moments of things that I said, I was like, I was so high, I barely knew what I was talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Is your number accurate for how many this is? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| They were pretty close. | ||
| Or were there numbers that got lost in the Matrix? | ||
| Things like podcasts on a plane that I don't think were in the number group. | ||
| Are they numbered? | ||
| There's probably like 15-ish that don't have numbers and then the fight companions didn't get numbers. | ||
| What's the number at? | ||
| What are we at right now? | ||
| This is 1371. Fucking wild. | ||
| You know what you talked about that we never went through with? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I don't know what city we were in, but we talked about doing it from one of those cool fucking buses. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Or that van or whatever it was. | ||
| Yeah, the Sprinter van. | ||
| That's what they're called. | ||
| Well, what we talked about, and Jamie and I talked about this too, was getting a Sprinter van and doing it up in the inside, like a podcast studio, and then taking it to gigs. | ||
| So, like, say if you and I did a gig in Irvine, we'd hire a driver... | ||
| Jamie would be in the back working the fucking controls and shit, all microphones and cameras, and we'd drive down to Irvine. | ||
| And it works so much better now that the show's not live anymore. | ||
| It would be easy to do, because you would just compress it all into a video file and then upload it to YouTube. | ||
| I still think we should do that. | ||
| We could totally do that. | ||
| You know what we should do though? | ||
| We should get like three or four comics to go do like a big thing in Vegas. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And we take the drive to Vegas and make us, you know, like do like a podcast from there to Vegas. | ||
| It's like a four hour drive and we would do all four or five of us in the van. | ||
| Four hours if everything goes great. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But even still, I think that's a great drive and then you can edit it and cut it down and then get to Vegas, show the show and then whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we could do it safe too. | ||
| We could actually have seatbelts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We could actually have a podcast desk. | ||
| We could do it all legit. | ||
| Well, you can get those sprinter vans, man. | ||
| There's companies that design them. | ||
| They do whatever you want. | ||
| They deck them out, right? | ||
| I mean, they could even put a screen up like that where Jamie can throw to a screen and we can look at stuff. | ||
| But we would have to have some kind of an internet connection while we're in there. | ||
| Well, don't they have those... | ||
| Satellite? | ||
| Yeah, you can buy them, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's dog shit. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The DirecTV's good. | ||
| You can get real DirecTV and those things, but your internet... | ||
| Really slow. | ||
| You can buy those from the phone companies, the little tiny pods as you go? | ||
| Well, you can get some cellular internet connection. | ||
| And I think Chuck, our audio guy, was telling us that they can combine two or three cellular signals and up the bandwidth. | ||
| So maybe we could stream YouTube on a television. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Like they tether your phone... | ||
| Would you have separate ones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would get separate ones that are dedicated and you get... | ||
| Is that correct? | ||
| Yeah, there's companies that have it set up so you can have like a backpack for like people that they call IRL streamers that walk around and stream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| That just switches back to the most... | ||
| What's going on with my audio? | ||
| Something. | ||
| The president's... | ||
| They're listening, dude. | ||
| It'll just go to whatever antenna's working the best at the time you're there, and it'll just tether. | ||
| But if you're in a place that has nothing, you have nothing. | ||
| But if we drive to... | ||
| Vegas is pretty good most of the way, right? | ||
| I feel like Vegas is easy, though, because it's so heavy traffic. | ||
| Yeah, you get cell phone most of the way. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And the 405, if you're heading down... | ||
| If we had a gig in Irvine or something like that, you'd be able to... | ||
| Or like a trip up north to San Francisco would be fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's a long drive, though. | ||
| Rather fly. | ||
| Yeah, I guess that's true. | ||
| Or let's take a private jet and do it on a jet. | ||
| Like Tommy Segura. | ||
| He's taking private jets all over the place. | ||
| He's hashtag ballin'. | ||
| He's balling, dude. | ||
| He is ballin'. | ||
| He's selling out everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, he's overseas. | ||
| Everybody is. | ||
| Like, it's amazing. | ||
| Burt Kreischer's making fucking crazy money now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Looking thin, sexy. | ||
| Getting thin and sexy, baby. | ||
| Yeah, everybody's murdering it. | ||
| Oh, speaking of which, you got a fucking theater tour. | ||
| I got a small theater tour. | ||
| Yeah, the Red Rocket Tour 2020, baby. | ||
| I've got some dates left. | ||
| Are you working tomorrow night? | ||
| Um, no. | ||
| You want to do the Comedy Store with me? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two shows. | |
| I'm there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| See ya. | ||
| You heard it here, bitches. | ||
| Yeah, tomorrow... | ||
| Brian Callen's doing it with us. | ||
| Oh, okay, never mind. | ||
| I don't want to do it with that fucking piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, he's a good guy. | |
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, I'm doing my first small theater tour, man. | ||
| The Red Rocket 2020 tour. | ||
| Edmonton, Denver, Minneapolis, Madison, Bakersfield. | ||
| Detroit, Atlanta. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| You doing the Fox Theater in Bakersfield? | ||
| That place is the shit. | ||
| I don't know what I'm doing. | ||
| Bakersfield is fucking great. | ||
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| There's a theater up there in Bakersfield. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Detroit, Atlanta, Chicago, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Portland, Seattle, Miami, West Palm Beach, and Phoenix. | ||
| Tickets now at andrewsantino.com. | ||
| I'm around, dude. | ||
| I've got a couple of dates left here that I'm doing the rest of the year. | ||
| November, I've got some stuff that I'm doing now. | ||
| The two people that I work with did this for me. | ||
| It's fucking incredible. | ||
| We'll put that up on Instagram after we get out of here. | ||
| Let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| AndrewSantino.com for all your Santino needs and pleasures. | ||
| My brother. | ||
| Fun times. | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| Fun times this weekend, too. | ||
| It'll be better next time because I won't be so bad! | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| Today we have three solid days left. | ||
| Hang in there, you fucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye-bye. |
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