Oct. 7, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:51:05
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Lenny Clark! | |
| That's right. | ||
| How are you, brother? | ||
| Joe, I gotta tell you. | ||
| Let me stop by saying thank you. | ||
| My pleasure. | ||
| I can't believe the amount of people that stopped me since I did your parking. | ||
| Because you asked me a couple years ago. | ||
| I didn't even know what a podcast was. | ||
| So I did that from the moment I left here. | ||
| I went down to Venice Beach. | ||
| Guys were watching the podcast in their car. | ||
| So then, everywhere I go, from captains of industry, a homeless guy, the other day at Harvard Square goes, Lenny Clark, I saw you in the Rogan podcast, you were awesome! | ||
| Homeless guys have phones now. | ||
| A homeless guy, I'm going, how did you see it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I see it, see it on the YouTube! | |
| That's how you know the progress of technology. | ||
| Homeless guys have phones and they watch YouTube. | ||
| Oh, so I'm doing Matty Siegel. | ||
| He's trying to rush me out of the studio the other day. | ||
| And I said, well, you know, I'm not going to mention you. | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
| He goes, you talked about me on Rogue and everyone called in. | ||
| He was all excited, so we said to say hello. | ||
| Hello, Matty Siegel. | ||
| Matty in the morning in Boston. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ever since back in the day when I was delivering newspapers, Matty in the Morning was on the radio. | ||
| I used to listen to him on the radio when I was on my paper route. | ||
| Him and Charles Laquadera, the mattress, the morning mattress. | ||
| The morning mattress, yeah. | ||
| And then Mark Parenteau. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did Mark pass away? | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| And I went to see him a week before. | ||
| He was at the Mass General. | ||
| And I went up to him and I had him laughing. | ||
| And then I said, do you have the aid? | ||
| He goes, no. | ||
| So I said, I'll kiss you goodbye. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You wouldn't kiss me off AIDS. I said, well, I love you, man, but I'm not here for the trip with you. | ||
| He did the five after five funnies and blew up comedy. | ||
| I mean, every time I did that show- A lot of comics owe him a lot. | ||
| Oh, I owed him a lot. | ||
| He was a great, great guy. | ||
| And then they also had the comedy riot, the WBCN comedy riot. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Radio, this though, doing this is like Carson was 20 years ago. | ||
| That's how big it is. | ||
| I mean, really, people from all walks of life, especially the kids, man. | ||
| The millennials, I don't even know what they are, but they love the show, man. | ||
| What comes after the millennials? | ||
| What's the new thing? | ||
| Well, I'm just glad we got over that Generation X. I didn't like that. | ||
| What are you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm a baby boomer. | ||
| You're a baby boomer. | ||
| I'm a baby boomer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old are you now? | |
| I'm elderly. | ||
| 66. I could ride the bus for a time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You look great. | |
| Well, not bad for 66, right? | ||
| You look fucking great. | ||
| Oh, thank you, man. | ||
| Especially all the coke and bones you did. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And you're fucking alive and ticking. | ||
| I think I'm going to donate the body to science just so they can save the others. | ||
| They're going to run some tests on you. | ||
| What? | ||
| No one thought I'd make it. | ||
| No one thought I'd make it past 25. Well, your era was such a great era of stand-up, and we've talked about that so many times, but you guys in the fucking 80s, really before I came along, because I came along in 88, and you guys before I came along, you were fucking partying hard. | ||
| Well, you know, Joe, it was like... | ||
| You could do whatever you want. | ||
| We started comedy in Boston, so there were no rules. | ||
| And if there were any rules, we'd break the rules. | ||
| And we made up our own rules. | ||
| And that's why, like, today, you see how it is. | ||
| Today, I really enjoy working theaters, but the clubs, you know, the other day, this person heckled me. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| People say, you're so good with hecklers. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I hate them. | ||
| I don't want to deal with them. | ||
| I want to do the show. | ||
| I want to create. | ||
| I want to make sense. | ||
| But they throw you off. | ||
| You're getting going, and they're breaking my mind. | ||
| And you say shit that you go, oh, and they start crying. | ||
| I go, why are you fucking with me? | ||
| I'm trying to do a show for you. | ||
| I had a guy approach me. | ||
| I'm sorry to interrupt you. | ||
| I had a guy, I did a thing for Dana Farber the other night. | ||
| Raised more money than they ever had raised. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Everyone's saying, oh, thank you. | ||
| What is Dana Farber? | ||
| Dana Farber. | ||
| It's cancer, cancer research. | ||
| It's like the Jimmy Fund and stuff like that. | ||
| So they asked me to do it. | ||
| I said, sure, I'll do it. | ||
| So it was nice. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| Big event, the Mandarin Oriental, fantastic living. | ||
| And this guy comes up to me and goes, you know, everyone likes you, but I hate you. | ||
| I want to rip your face off. | ||
| And I go, hey, it's nice to meet you too, right? | ||
| So he grabs my water and I go, you can have it. | ||
| And I walk away to take a picture. | ||
| So I come back and he goes, here's your water. | ||
| I go, oh, you can have it. | ||
| And I go, you know, I don't know why people like you, but I hate you, and I want to rip your face off. | ||
| Still? | ||
| Yeah, he said, we had this conversation, so now people come over. | ||
| Hey, Lenny, can we talk? | ||
| Get the fuck away from us, and he's screaming at people. | ||
| He goes, you attacked my father on stage 20 years ago on a Thursday night at Granite Lakes. | ||
| I'm going, hey, pal, I don't remember what I did last Thursday. | ||
| Say hi to your father. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's done! | |
| Hey, man, I had nothing to do with it. | ||
| I've been here all night. | ||
| Guy was insane. | ||
| They eventually had him escorted out by security. | ||
| It was really wild. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Well, it shows you hecklers make weak babies. | ||
| Oh, man, yeah. | ||
| They make dumb kids. | ||
| Don't fuck with somebody. | ||
| I mean, I've been doing it 42 years. | ||
| I've been married two or three times. | ||
| There's a lot of shit I've covered. | ||
| You're not going to surprise me. | ||
| That's a hilarious take on it. | ||
| You can have that water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've never had security in my life, you know, because I'm a man of the people. | ||
| I still take the T just for shits and giggles, but I mean, you know, wow, crazy. | ||
| Yeah, wow. | ||
| Because I'm thinking, punch him in his throat, and he'll just drop to his knees, and no one will even know what happened. | ||
| I'll say, We need a medic, you know? | ||
| And then I was going to whisper, why don't you meet me outside 10 minutes ago? | ||
| I can't do that, man. | ||
| I was all dressed nice. | ||
| If you're going to punch someone in the throat, though, the problem is sometimes you nick the chin. | ||
| The real way to do it is this. | ||
| This with your hand. | ||
| Just slam that fucking thing in the throat. | ||
| Right in there. | ||
| That's how you do it. | ||
| If you punch someone in the throat, first of all, you could say, I pushed him away from me. | ||
| I fucked that up. | ||
| Now, someone's going to say, oh, episode 1003. That's what he does. | ||
| But that's how you, if you want to hit someone in the throat, you don't want to really hurt them. | ||
| You want to get them the fuck away from you. | ||
| Just use your open hand like that. | ||
| Your open hand. | ||
| Just like that. | ||
| It's amazing how much force you can generate with your hand like that and just slam it into someone's throat. | ||
| And you don't have to wind up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, this is a gentle, this is a tender area. | |
| It's very vulnerable. | ||
| Well, that's what's going through my mind. | ||
| This guy is screaming at me, right? | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| I said, Jesus, you know. | ||
| Yeah, it's unfortunate. | ||
| But there's always going to be fucking people that are unhinged. | ||
| There's always going to be people that can't hang. | ||
| But what's really amazing, Lenny, is the amount of shows that we do, how many people keep it together. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Live show. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Clark. | ||
| It's all live. | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| You know, I said that the other night. | ||
| This is not some program thing. | ||
| I don't know where I'm going. | ||
| You treat me good, I'll treat you better. | ||
| You fuck with me, I'll follow you home and burn your house to the ground. | ||
| I just want to make you laugh. | ||
| I have no hidden agenda. | ||
| I'm paying the bills, you know what I mean? | ||
| To do stand-up now is so much different than before because you can't say words. | ||
| You can, but it's dangerous. | ||
| No, not me. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| No, you're looking at an old white man. | ||
| A couple more years down the road, I'll be able to say whatever I want. | ||
| He's just elderly. | ||
| I mean, I saw a paper the other day. | ||
| Some kids beat up this 63-year-old guy, and there's a big federal case against him because he's elderly. | ||
| I go, I'm 66, you know? | ||
| And I'm not going down like that guy, you know what I mean? | ||
| These kids are going to be surprised. | ||
| They're going to go, look, I'm elderly. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, I just, I hope, Joe, I really do, that this is all... | ||
| A cycle? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cyclical. | ||
| Well, either way, it works for me. | ||
| Because you know where I was going when I went like this. | ||
| Do you think it'll come back? | ||
| I think it's coming around already. | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| I think people are tired of political correctness, and they also realize that there's good aspects to political correctness, right? | ||
| It's good to be kind to people. | ||
| It's good to be nice. | ||
| It's not good to shit on the downtrodden and punch down on people that are disenfranchised. | ||
| I'd rather have you as a friend than an enemy. | ||
| I really would. | ||
| Because a lot of times, you forget your enemies. | ||
| You're at a party going, oh shit, I forgot I fucking hate you! | ||
| Have you ever had that happen to you? | ||
| I'd rather... | ||
| And people say, well, you don't worry what people think. | ||
| What people think is usually what you are. | ||
| If you're a dick, people are going to think you're a dick. | ||
| I'd rather be a nice guy. | ||
| I've gotten way, way better just letting shit go. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I mean, holding grudges and wanting to get back at someone, that's nonsense. | ||
| It's for fools. | ||
| There's people that they fucking... | ||
| They grind on it all day. | ||
| They'll hate someone and they just want to talk about that person all fucking day. | ||
| It's always a waste of time. | ||
| It's a waste of time. | ||
| It doesn't do you any good. | ||
| Just let it go. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| As you get older. | ||
| I've got quite a few years on you. | ||
| I'm in that thing now because someone told me holding a grudge is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to die. | ||
| I don't have time for that. | ||
| I've got other problems I'm dealing with. | ||
| I think that quote is for jealousy, but it applies with both things. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It applies to both things. | ||
| It's foolish. | ||
| It's like, look, I want people to get, if you and me have a dispute, I'd like you to get over it. | ||
| I'd like to get over it, too. | ||
| I'm not into, like, having enemies for life. | ||
| Those people that want enemies for life, they don't know what a real enemy is. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| You don't know what a real enemy is. | ||
| You're a paper tiger. | ||
| You're just talking. | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
| Like, real enemies, they want to kill you. | ||
| And if you don't want to kill me, I don't want to kill you. | ||
| So let's just stop. | ||
| Just let it go. | ||
| It's a push. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| Yeah, it's a push. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| It's most disputes. | ||
| Look, we're all different at different points in the day, at different times in our life. | ||
| You know, you catch me and I just got in some sort of a fucking dispute with somebody and then I'm in my car, I'm going to behave very differently than if I just got a hug from my kids and then I get in my car. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Everybody's different at different points in their life. | ||
| You might have just got fired. | ||
| You might have just come out and somebody keyed your car. | ||
| Someone's having a bad day. | ||
| You met them on a bad day. | ||
| And I usually am more than willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| Shy people are often misunderstood. | ||
| And I've learned that 30 years ago. | ||
| If someone's shy, it's not that they're shy. | ||
| They're afraid to be friendly. | ||
| And give them the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| Don't hate someone just because they're afraid to say hello. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People deal with all kinds of different social issues. | ||
| A lot of people that hold grudges and that are angry, what they're really doing is they're distracting themselves from their own failures. | ||
| That's really what they're doing. | ||
| I said this in one of the last podcasts, but I'll repeat it because it's very important. | ||
| The way I look at life is I have bandwidth. | ||
| Let's say I got a hundred points. | ||
| I don't have any points for anybody I don't care about. | ||
| I don't have any time for that. | ||
| I have time for things that I care about and the people that I love. | ||
| That's what I have time for. | ||
| And those other things, if I have to deal with them, I deal with them. | ||
| And then as soon as I can get them out of my head, I'm gone. | ||
| I have 100 points of bandwidth. | ||
| And those 100 points, I'd like to use 100 of them on things that I love and things that I care about. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Positive. | ||
| And that's how you get by in life and that's how you become successful. | ||
| Because if you spend your time, you know, 30% of your time wondering and pondering shit you don't like, that, unless you're making comedy out of it, that is going to fail you. | ||
| It's going to cost you because you're 70%. | ||
| Now you only have 70% for the good stuff. | ||
| It's not going to be as good as 100%. | ||
| You're not going to do as good with your comedy. | ||
| You're not going to do as good as whatever the fuck you do. | ||
| If you're a sculptor, a painter, you're making music, you know, a certain amount, art requires a certain amount, I think, some art, requires a certain amount of angst and uncomfortable feeling and just something that allows you to dig deep into your emotions and create something. | ||
| And sometimes out of anger and hate, you can get some fucking amazing comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Those are my best stuff ever. | ||
| Yes, but you gotta treat it like that. | ||
| Like, don't bring it home with you. | ||
| Don't carry it around. | ||
| I mean, like, a bad show, when I first started, I'd be upset for a weekend. | ||
| Now it's like, you know, by the time I hit the car, I go, oh, I love this song. | ||
| That still bothers me. | ||
| That's my number one problem. | ||
| Really? | ||
| If I fuck up on stage, even if I fuck up one bit and get a standing ovation, that one bit will fucking haunt me. | ||
| I will go home by myself, sitting in front of the TV, and just go, fuck, fucking shit. | ||
| And then I'll just write it out again, and I'll practice it again. | ||
| How long will you stick with a bit that, to you, is very funny, but it's not working for the crowd? | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| I had a bit that I was doing for a while about the Second Coming Project. | ||
| The Second Coming Project was a group of people back in the day when genetics – when they first started applying genetic research and what they were going to do is these people wanted to take – Samples of tissue from the Shroud of Turin. | ||
| Do you remember what the Shroud of Turin is? | ||
| Yeah, it came off the face of Jesus. | ||
| They thought it came off the face of Jesus. | ||
| They found out later through carbon testing that it was really only a couple hundred years old. | ||
| But when these people, before they... | ||
| Whose face did it come off? | ||
| Did they ever figure it out? | ||
| It's fake. | ||
| I didn't know the Shroud of Turin was fake. | ||
| Google that. | ||
| Google the Shroud of Turin. | ||
| They did a test on it. | ||
| I think it turned out to just only be a few hundred years old. | ||
| Anyway, what they were going to try to do is they were going to try to take DNA from that and then clone Jesus. | ||
| And so the bit I had was that, you know, with Dolly the Sheep, they tried to clone Dolly the Sheep a bunch of times. | ||
| Like, it wasn't as simple as the first time they did it, it worked out. | ||
| I'm like, what if they clone Jesus and he comes back with some birth defects? | ||
| Like, what do they do? | ||
| Do they kill him and starve from scratch? | ||
| Do they do it again? | ||
| Like, what if Jesus, like, what if they cloned Jesus and he had Down Syndrome? | ||
| So I had this whole bit about Jesus with Down Syndrome, and then instead of a cross, he had a hockey helmet, and then, like, the power, like, he would turn dog shit into cookies. | ||
| Like, he had, like, instead of turning water into wine, it was a terrible bit, but I thought it was so funny. | ||
| At the time? | ||
| How long did you do this before you gave up on it? | ||
| I hung in there for a few months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I hung in there for a few months. | ||
| I was trying to figure out a way. | ||
| I'm down to like three shots. | ||
| I throw three shots. | ||
| It's not working. | ||
| And yet, when you're with friends, funny friends, people you hang out with, you'll say, oh my God, you should use that. | ||
| No, it doesn't work. | ||
| Well, sometimes you just gotta let it go and put it aside and then come back to it later. | ||
| Just come back to it with fresh eyes. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| But, you know, Chris Rock, that bit that he had for years, he had this bit, there's black people and then there's the N-word. | ||
| That bit, he said, he bombed with that bit for like a fucking year. | ||
| He couldn't get it to work right. | ||
| People would get mad at him. | ||
| And then it became one of the greatest bits of all time. | ||
| Because he stuck with it and he figured it out and he worked at it. | ||
| But, you know, he's a crazy... | ||
| He's a craftsman. | ||
| He's a guy that will go over his material and run it by other comics and they'll work on it. | ||
| I mean, that's one of the greatest bits of all time. | ||
| And he stuck through it because he just knew there was something there. | ||
| I mean, there's those two. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| I knew that the Second Coming Project was never going to be one of those, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too fucked up. | |
| It was just too fucked up. | ||
| But I remember I did it one time at the comedy store and some lady goes, NEXT SUBJECT! Oh my god. | ||
| She yelled out. | ||
| Oh god. | ||
| She was screaming at me. | ||
| I hate you. | ||
| She was screaming at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Next subject! | |
| I'll never forget that lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I started laughing when she said it, which was even worse. | |
| I got an old lady story, but we lived at the barracks. | ||
| There's 14 comedians living in that place in Harvard Square. | ||
| I don't know if you ever came by, because I was pretty high back then. | ||
| The barracks was an apartment that Mike and I had, and we opened it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What year was this? | |
| Oh, God, it was... | ||
| In the beginning. | ||
| So it was probably before my day. | ||
| I came in in 88. And by Mike, you're saying Mike Clark. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| So we had this house and it was like three or four bedrooms and Kenny Rogerson's room, which was like a closet with a sheet of what we refer to as the sperm room. | ||
| And Kenny lived in The rent was $165 a month. | ||
| The landlord's name was Wing Wong, and we were working at the Ding Ho for Shun Lee. | ||
| So $165 between sometimes 10 guys. | ||
| We didn't have it. | ||
| We were blowing it. | ||
| So now every comedian who came in from out of town, they didn't have to go to a hotel. | ||
| You just go by the barracks. | ||
| There was a key under the mat. | ||
| At the end, there was like 11 keys under the mat. | ||
| But there was this old lady next door in the third floor apartment. | ||
| We would rage all night. | ||
| I would break windows. | ||
| I just love the sound of breaking glass. | ||
| We had a window guy on call. | ||
| People say, it's freezing, Lenny. | ||
| Call the window guy. | ||
| I just love to throw things through the glass. | ||
| I remember Sweeney ducked, and I put a bottle through the window, and he's laying on the floor, and I go, Sweeney, what's wrong with you? | ||
| I'm just having fun. | ||
| He goes, don't talk down to me. | ||
| I go, well, you're lying on the floor. | ||
| Get up. | ||
| So now, this woman, an older woman, she goes, I said, hey. | ||
| I hate you, Lenny Clark. | ||
| I hate you. | ||
| I said, listen, I'm going to the store. | ||
| You want me to get you anything? | ||
| And she yelled at the top, Lenny Clark, I only live to see you dead, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And all the neighbors, every neighbor, they love you, right? | |
| Oh, Joe, it gets worse. | ||
| So now, you know, I'd send the flowers every now and then, and she'd throw them off the balcony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want your fucking flowers. | |
| I want you dead, right? | ||
| So she ends up getting murdered. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Like, cut up and, like, decapitated. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So the cops come to the house one day, and I'm laying in my bed, puking in a bucket, and Rogerson comes in, and he waits for me. | ||
| He says, did you murder the lady next to her last night? | ||
| I go, no. | ||
| He goes, okay, you can come in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Let the cops come in. | ||
| And they go, Lenny, we don't think it was you, but we got to ask you questions. | ||
| Where were you last night? | ||
| And they go, I don't remember. | ||
| I go, but I know I got here later. | ||
| It worked out. | ||
| I was at the ding, and then we hung out after hours, and I don't know where it was, but then I get home. | ||
| But, you know, that woman, I don't think they ever solved the case, but it definitely wasn't me, because I was too lazy to walk up three flights of stairs. | ||
| We used to have police cars parked in her parking space. | ||
| She didn't have a cop. | ||
| But we'd have the paddy wagon parked down below. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| So you'd have the cops come over and party with him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most of them got thrown off the floor. | ||
| They never solved? | ||
| They never solved that case as far as I know. | ||
| There was a guy that I used to train with who got arrested I don't know if you remember this case, but they took this guy and they were breaking his bones with a hammer and then injecting with cocaine to keep him awake because he was blacking out from the pain. | ||
| And they cut his hands off, they cut his head off, they cut everything off. | ||
| And this dude that I knew got arrested for it. | ||
| And when I asked him about it, he knew something. | ||
| It was one of those things where you ask someone, I go, they arrested you. | ||
| I go, why would they arrest you? | ||
| And there was like this, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know nothing. | ||
| I was like, oh, you know something. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, I might know a fucking serious murderer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, he went to jail for something else. | ||
| I forget when he went to jail. | ||
| I knew him when I was 16. And he went to jail, and then he came out. | ||
| And when he came out, like all his tattoos, he had scars all over all of his tattoos. | ||
| Like apparently he tried to burn his tattoos off in the joint. | ||
| And he was just a different person. | ||
| His time in jail, I guess he was in jail for maybe five years from when I knew him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he came out five years later and started training again before he got arrested. | ||
| And just... | ||
| Super spooky to be around somebody that you think might have done that. | ||
| No, I know of a few murderers that, yeah, yeah, I mean, I didn't know at the time when I met them, but over the years ago, oh my, well, the guy who got the pass, Johnny Manorano, he was on 16 Minutes, he stopped at Stop and Shop in Somerville, and people go, you know what that is? | ||
| I go, Johnny Manorano, and he go, hey, Lenny, I went, oh, hey, Johnny, 25 murders, and, you know. | ||
| How's he out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| Deals. | ||
| You know, I mean, he did time. | ||
| He did a lot of time. | ||
| But he was on 60... | ||
| No, no, no, $20. | ||
| Come on, are you kidding me? | ||
| It seems like he should be in jail forever. | ||
| How many did Sammy the Bull kill? | ||
| And he was out dealing... | ||
| He was out dealing met in Arizona. | ||
| I think he's still out. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| He's out again. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, I got no beef for him. | ||
| I don't either. | ||
| So... | ||
| One of my buddies in high school, his name was Bubba Good. | ||
| He was the funniest person I ever met in my life, without a doubt. | ||
| One day he stole 12 Corvettes, 12 red Corvettes, and lined them up outside. | ||
| And in one of the Corvettes, it was a briefcase full of cash. | ||
| And he went in and he bought the entire lunchroom lunch. | ||
| Lunch is on me! | ||
| At high school, right? | ||
| He stole Corvettes in high school? | ||
| He stole Corvettes, oh yeah, and he lined them up outside. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh, he was amazing. | ||
| So, he goes to Walpole. | ||
| You remember Walpole State Prison, okay? | ||
| So, we're doing a show at Walpole. | ||
| You know, a couple guys asked me, are you coming? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they said, Mr. Clark, before you come in, we just want to let you know, if there's any drugs or drug remnants on you, you're not going to be released. | ||
| And I went, oh, let me change my clothes. | ||
| So I changed my clothes and went in and I did the show. | ||
| And it was really... | ||
| So they would swab you? | ||
| Yeah, it was... | ||
| So if they swabbed you and they found coke on your shirt, you stay in. | ||
| You stay in, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| And this is like 35 years ago, right? | ||
| So, and this was when Walpole was still maximum security, you know, I mean... | ||
| The worst of the worst. | ||
| So we go in and I'm with DJ and a couple other people. | ||
| DJ Hazard? | ||
| DJ Hazard and I think Sweeney. | ||
| How's he doing? | ||
| I think there was a cancer thing and then he beat that. | ||
| But hey, good guy. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Remind me about DJ. I want to finish this. | ||
| So I'm on stage and I'm thinking, hey man, Papa's in here. | ||
| And he jumps up on stage. | ||
| And I go, Papa, he goes, how you doing? | ||
| He goes, I'm in here with an assumed name. | ||
| I'm in here with a Danny. | ||
| This is 35 years ago. | ||
| He's in Walpole under an assumed name. | ||
| I mean, could that be... | ||
| Well, anyway, he gets out, and then he murders some guy, and he goes back, and he's in for double life now, two murders. | ||
| And I said to him, Papa, why'd you kill the guy? | ||
| He goes, he was talking shit. | ||
| You know... | ||
| He's just a little bit of a guy, but funny. | ||
| I mean, he's the type of guy, if someone wanted to kick his ass, you could make them laugh so hard you couldn't punch him. | ||
| He was that funny. | ||
| And now he's been in for... | ||
| I want to visit him, but they said it's not a good idea, but I'm going to go visit him. | ||
| I'm a little old now. | ||
| He's been over 30 years now. | ||
| It's so funny how, if you're in the nightclub business... | ||
| Like we are, you're gonna run into people along the way that have done some horrible shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I know a guy who sawed a guy's head off. | ||
| With a saw? | ||
| I think a sword. | ||
| You know, one of those samurai swords. | ||
| And then throw it on a guy's lawn. | ||
| I mean, yeah, yeah, there was drugs involved. | ||
| I mean, I remember, I remember, it was crack, but crack, but crack before crack, what was the, Freebase, Freebase wasn't as bad as crack. | ||
| That was for people with money. | ||
| That was the Richard Pryor days. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Richard Pryor was in the freebase. | ||
| The first time, I'm freebasing at like an MBTA station in South Boston, and I think Kennison was, yeah, Kennison was there, and this guy who's away for life now too, remained nameless, but I took a hit, and I'm passing out. | ||
| I mean, I'm so high, I'm passing out, and all I could hear was, what are we going to do with the party? | ||
| That was the last thing I heard. | ||
| Whose body? | ||
| Me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I passed them! | |
| Oh, if you die? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| They thought you were overdosing? | ||
| I thought it was... | ||
| I can't... | ||
| When you're smoking that stuff, and you're thinking... | ||
| I used to start my own heart! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Punch as hard as I can! | ||
| Oh, God! | ||
| You know, because when I went to... | ||
| When I finally went to the doctors and had the atrial fibrillation and all the heart damage they did... | ||
| I said, well, what do you think it was? | ||
| Well, you know, maybe the weight, you know, because I was almost 400 pounds. | ||
| And they go, I go, what about Coke? | ||
| And he said, well, you had to do an awful lot of Coke. | ||
| I said, well, there's a small amount in Peru that's missing. | ||
| They said, really, that much? | ||
| And I go, oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So, yeah, it was insane. | ||
| Well, then also, if you're getting Coke, you've got to know people who sell Coke. | ||
| I had people who would bring coke to me. | ||
| You know, my mother always said, London, be very careful on show business. | ||
| People are going to try to give you drugs. | ||
| I go, my, they don't give you, they sell them to you. | ||
| But people did give me drugs. | ||
| Like, I have dealers say, try my coke. | ||
| No, try my coke. | ||
| My coke's better. | ||
| Just to hang out, to be in the show. | ||
| You know how it was. | ||
| It was like being with rock stars. | ||
| And a lot of rock stars were with us. | ||
| Well, people talk about the days, the early days of Boston comedy, and it almost sounds fake, because they used to pay you with Coke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I was offered money or Coke. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's how they would pay you. | ||
| Thank God I didn't do Coke. | ||
| First time that happened to me, I was in Sarasota, Florida. | ||
| And they go, Lenny, it's been a great week. | ||
| You know, we owe you $3,000. | ||
| How about we give you $3,000 or a... | ||
| An ounce of Coke. | ||
| And I said, well, why don't we do half and half? | ||
| And then that started my time travel. | ||
| And I ended up... | ||
| I ended up in Sarasota. | ||
| I left Sarasota. | ||
| I wanted to meet Jackie and your joke, man. | ||
| And I ended up in Tampa. | ||
| Tampa from Sarasota is hundreds and hundreds of miles. | ||
| It's not close. | ||
| Did you drive it? | ||
| Evidently. | ||
| Because Jackie, how'd you get here? | ||
| I go, time travel, Jackie. | ||
| Time travel. | ||
| Do some blow. | ||
| Just doing blow and driving over Ellicott. | ||
| Oh, God, Jesus. | ||
| You mentioned DJ and what happened to him. | ||
| Because DJ... He was really good with the ladies. | ||
| You know, because he played the guitar and they all wanted... | ||
| He was sinister looking. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I remember when Cremins broke a captain's chair over his head one night. | ||
| I had to stop. | ||
| I go, you're going to kill... | ||
| By the way... | ||
| Somebody broke a... | ||
| Who broke a captain's chair? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cremins. | |
| Cremins took a... | ||
| Barry Cremins? | ||
| Took a captain's chair. | ||
| Broke it over DJ's head? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some shit, evidently. | ||
| Was it for fun or were they angry at each other? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| No, it wasn't for fun. | ||
| They were pissed. | ||
| And they were really close, too. | ||
| Barry was so intimidating. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| One night, a fight broke out. | ||
| And a guy came at Barry with a knife. | ||
| And I kicked the knife out of his hand. | ||
| And Gavin's there with his ring going, that was very well done. | ||
| You know, this is Gavin. | ||
| Very well done. | ||
| That doesn't move, right? | ||
| The guy comes back through the door with another knife, and I just dive through the door, roll down onto the street, and just kick the shit out of him. | ||
| And Gavin comes and goes, it was like a big shaver. | ||
| Not one, but two blades. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two blades! | |
| And he never moves from his seat. | ||
| He never moved from his seat. | ||
| Gavin kills me like, the other day, he's moving to Florida. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gavin is? | |
| Yeah, Gavin's moving to Florida. | ||
| We had a little time for him. | ||
| And I said to him, hey, Don, how are you doing? | ||
| He goes, geez, you look great. | ||
| I go, yeah, well, you know, I'm trying to get healthy, Don. | ||
| And how's your blood pressure? | ||
| He goes, I don't know. | ||
| I take my blood pressure like three times a day now. | ||
| He goes, how about you? | ||
| He goes, you're taking enough for both of us. | ||
| That guy still goes hard. | ||
| Still goes hard. | ||
| Last time I saw him, he had a drink in his hand. | ||
| It was still going hard. | ||
| It's like gasoline. | ||
| Oh, funny. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So funny. | ||
| So quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doesn't give a fuck. | |
| No, doesn't care. | ||
| School teacher. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| More degrees than a thermometer. | ||
| This guy, he was a genius guy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He used to do blow in the barracks till around 6.30 in the morning. | ||
| We'd be playing cards and he'd always win. | ||
| He'd beat everybody. | ||
| And he goes, I gotta go. | ||
| Where? | ||
| I gotta go to teach school. | ||
| And he put on his jacket. | ||
| And now, you don't believe how many people come into the show and go, is Gavin here? | ||
| He was my teacher in high school. | ||
| Now other people, he was my father's teacher. | ||
| To this day, I think he's the greatest comic that people don't know about. | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| One of the greatest comics of all time. | ||
| I remember seeing him at Stitches thinking, I should probably quit. | ||
| I'm like, I should probably quit. | ||
| I'll never be as good as this guy. | ||
| First night I see him perform, I go, man, you were great. | ||
| How long have you been doing this? | ||
| He goes, this is my first time. | ||
| I go, you're full of shit. | ||
| And he goes, oh, nice meeting you two and walked away. | ||
| And I was very jealous that a guy would just step up to this and be that good. | ||
| And then we would hang around together and hope that people would freak out. | ||
| Remember Joel asking how good he was? | ||
| Sometimes he'd get high and he'd go, I can't go on! | ||
| And he'd leave. | ||
| And me and Gavin would have nod on us. | ||
| If someone panicked, we'd be at the bar. | ||
| Ready to go! | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So Gavin goes, let's get him fucked up and see if he cracks under the pressure. | ||
| Well, he was so smart. | ||
| That's why Gavin was so good. | ||
| He had so many things to talk about, and his way of looking at things was so intelligent. | ||
| He legitimately didn't give a fuck. | ||
| So everything was casual. | ||
| All of his best punchlines were casual. | ||
| It's a story that I've never, ever told. | ||
| And I know it's going to be heard by maybe 20 million people. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| We went to a show. | ||
| One of his buddies was a bartender at the 99. And one of the guys who worked there was sick. | ||
| So they asked us to do a show from a benefit to raise some money. | ||
| So we did. | ||
| And he says, geez, I wish I had money to pay. | ||
| And Gavin goes, who's that credit card? | ||
| He goes, well, that's someone left. | ||
| He goes, we'll take that as payment. | ||
| He goes, so we go home. | ||
| We get banged up that night. | ||
| And he goes, what's the hottest place in America right now? | ||
| What's the hottest place in the paper? | ||
| I said, Puerto Rico, 98. He goes, we're going to Puerto Rico tomorrow. | ||
| He gets us tickets. | ||
| He gets us plane tickets. | ||
| And we get a big bag of blow. | ||
| And we get Logan. | ||
| And we're going to blow all night. | ||
| And he goes, here, hold this. | ||
| And so we land. | ||
| And Gav goes, where's the blow? | ||
| And I go, I did it. | ||
| He goes, you did it all? | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| I don't want to get busted going through customs. | ||
| He goes, Puerto Rico's America, you idiot. | ||
| You did it. | ||
| We check into a hotel, and I keep saying, I turn it up, what's my name again? | ||
| So we're down here for the weekend. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| Just don't draw attention to us. | ||
| And now I'm off. | ||
| Why don't draw attention? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because we're on a phony credit card! | ||
| I'm throwing cheers into the pool. | ||
| He goes, that's right. | ||
| Don't attract attention. | ||
| So we go to dinner. | ||
| We go to the most famous restaurant down there. | ||
| And we get the Chateaubriand Fatou. | ||
| I always wanted it. | ||
| I didn't even know what it was. | ||
| But they come out and they cook it at the table. | ||
| And I'm shit-faced going, hey, everybody. | ||
| You're probably wondering, who's getting that dish? | ||
| That'd be me, right? | ||
| Gavin's going, yeah, don't draw any attention. | ||
| He goes, I'll be your captain tonight. | ||
| I go, it's 50 bucks. | ||
| Make yourself a general. | ||
| Gavin! | ||
| I said, Gav, I want to get you this $800 bottle of wine. | ||
| He goes, no, no, no. | ||
| That's drawing attention. | ||
| Why don't we get two, three bottles, $300 bottles of wine? | ||
| I go, oh, you're so smart. | ||
| So anyway, we get to the room and he puts up with me. | ||
| So he loses a bunch gambling, right? | ||
| And I don't have any money. | ||
| I'm throwing my money away on tips. | ||
| I'm a big tipper. | ||
| So he goes, I got bad news. | ||
| He goes, what? | ||
| They shut off the credit cards. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| He goes, yeah, there's no way for us to get back. | ||
| And I go, oh, why don't you take what money you've got left and go down and try to win some and send me back to Boston. | ||
| Then I'll wire your money because you know I'm good for all the money back that we need. | ||
| He goes, Why should I send you? | ||
| And I go, because you're like the second greatest con man that ever lived. | ||
| He goes, who's the first? | ||
| I said, Jim Rockford. | ||
| He goes, Jim Rockford? | ||
| He's not even a real person. | ||
| He's not even a real person. | ||
| So Gav goes, stay here. | ||
| So I barricaded myself in the room. | ||
| There was a big computer that made drinks. | ||
| It was the Caribbean, Hilton, I think. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| And you could push buttons and it would make all different drinks. | ||
| I drank that empty. | ||
| Push that against the door. | ||
| Gavin goes, let me hear this man. | ||
| I got us two tickets. | ||
| I go, yay! | ||
| I finally fell asleep because I was a nervous wreck. | ||
| So we fly up and Gavin goes... | ||
| So he got money gambling? | ||
| He got money gambling. | ||
| I don't know how he did it. | ||
| I didn't even ask, but he got us both back to Boston. | ||
| He says, I'm never going anywhere with you ever again. | ||
| But the thing was, second greatest con man in the world. | ||
| He goes, he's not even real, Lenny. | ||
| The Rock in Glasgow is not even real. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| But he was brilliant. | ||
| Gavin was brilliant. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Had to be 87, 88. Oh, God. | ||
| The good days. | ||
| Oh, I mean, think of that. | ||
| We're going to the hottest place. | ||
| We almost went to Venezuela. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| What time of year was this? | ||
| It was the fall. | ||
| Okay, so it was starting to get sucky in Boston. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It wasn't snowing yet or anything like that. | ||
| You know, I used to think that it was bad, that weather. | ||
| But now I think it makes better people. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| It makes tougher people. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But I got to tell you. | ||
| More resilient. | ||
| Yeah, but you're away from me. | ||
| You don't live there. | ||
| I mean, three years ago, we had like 10 feet of snow in three days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People were jumping out their dirt floor windows just to get out of the house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to get away from it. | ||
| No, I get it. | ||
| I don't want to live there. | ||
| I don't want to live there. | ||
| But I think growing up there did me a lot of good. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| There's a lot of advantages. | ||
| It does make you a tougher person, more resilient. | ||
| And they have the best education, the best doctors. | ||
| The education in Boston is excellent. | ||
| And the medical. | ||
| I mean, anyone with money who gets sick, they don't go to Burbank. | ||
| They fly into the MGH. There's more colleges per capita in the Boston area than anywhere in the country. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| The thing about it though is that... | ||
| And I couldn't get into any of them. | ||
| When you're in the cold, there's something about... | ||
| There's like a certain camaraderie that everybody shares when you're stuck. | ||
| Yeah, this sucks. | ||
| You help people. | ||
| You help people that are stuck. | ||
| You'll push out an elderly couple's cars off the road and then you'll hang on the bumper as they drive away. | ||
| I've done a lot of that shit. | ||
| I've never done any of that. | ||
| Around here. | ||
| Around here. | ||
| I'm like, if you've got a flat tire, you can fucking figure it out. | ||
| It's warm out. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| Or you can call somebody back east. | ||
| They'll come quicker than your neighbor. | ||
| That's the truth. | ||
| I lived out here for years. | ||
| I was out here for 12 years. | ||
| Yeah, your story out here is one of the most horrific stories about what can happen if you get a crooked agent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| You know, and I've told many guys your story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| You know, we talk about murder. | ||
| You're very lucky that you didn't wind up murdering your agent. | ||
| I knew where his kids went to school. | ||
| I knew, you know, I knew where he was. | ||
| Well, tell everybody what happened. | ||
| I think you might have talked about this before, but just so this podcast stands alone. | ||
| Yeah, I'm... | ||
| I became really big. | ||
| You had a television show? | ||
| Yeah, a television show named after me. | ||
| This is like, what, 93, 92? | ||
| 90. It happened so long ago, I think they're going to colorize it. | ||
| Joe, here's another thing. | ||
| I can't find... | ||
| I mean, I have... | ||
| VHS of it someplace, but you can't even go on YouTube and find Lenny's. | ||
| There was 17 Lenny's, 17 or 18 Lenny's, and the show was the highest rated show since All in the Family on CBS. It was a great show. | ||
| It was a great show. | ||
| An amazing cast, and the guy who played my father, Eugene Roach, he just taught me everything. | ||
| I never acted in my life. | ||
| And you caught the perfect wave, the Roseanne wave, Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, all those guys were getting... | ||
| You got it in sitcoms and you got one too. | ||
| My show started the year Seinfeld started. | ||
| And Seinfeld didn't have a great first year. | ||
| We had a great first year. | ||
| We were doing amazing. | ||
| And then the first Gulf War broke out. | ||
| And that killed me. | ||
| Lenny will not be seen tonight so we can bring in the war in the Gulf. | ||
| And then when they brought me back, there was the World Series. | ||
| Lenny was admitted for the World Series. | ||
| And then they changed me from... | ||
| I forget what night I was on, but they brought me through... | ||
| I ended up at Friday nights, which is like... | ||
| Ooh, that's death for TV. Death for TV. And, you know, I went from having everything, you know what I mean? | ||
| I had a mansion in the marina, you know? | ||
| A Playboy model wife who happened to be a Coke dealer. | ||
| I mean, bloody hell, what more good do you want? | ||
| What could go wrong? | ||
| What could go wrong? | ||
| And then this guy, they said, you need an agent? | ||
| And I said, I want Seinfeld and Leno's agent. | ||
| And the guy at the time was both. | ||
| Both of those guys were with him. | ||
| And he would be getting, he'd say, you want Seinfeld? | ||
| Well, we'll hire this guy. | ||
| You want Leno? | ||
| We'll hire this guy. | ||
| Well, I was that guy. | ||
| And they would have Richard Jenny. | ||
| He was a monster. | ||
| He was a monster. | ||
| And they'd be hiring him to open for me. | ||
| I'd go, I don't know. | ||
| I don't need him to open for me. | ||
| I'm this new guy that's never been on stage before. | ||
| I mean, why work if you don't have to? | ||
| He'd make me work my ass off. | ||
| Well, Jenny was one of the greatest of all time. | ||
| He's another guy that people forgot about. | ||
| I sing his praises on this podcast all the time. | ||
| Incredibly fun. | ||
| And I got along with him. | ||
| He was a nice guy. | ||
| We always hit it off. | ||
| But he was a monster comic, man. | ||
| He was unbelievable. | ||
| I don't think I'm funny in anything. | ||
| I'm insane and I've made my money being insane. | ||
| I got no problem with that. | ||
| Because anyone goes, who's funnier? | ||
| Who's funnier? | ||
| You know who's funnier? | ||
| The new Asian kid coming up. | ||
| You better watch your back. | ||
| Or the new Indian kid. | ||
| Because it's all, everything's new. | ||
| Watch out for the new guy. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| You'll all be funny. | ||
| I just want to act now. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| How often are you doing stand-up these days? | ||
| I do it to pay the bills. | ||
| I work the giggles. | ||
| I work giggles at least once a month because you can't walk away or you'll lose your fastball. | ||
| You'll lose everything. | ||
| You'll lose everything. | ||
| Yeah, you will. | ||
| I do a lot of charity work and I do that because it made my parents happy and it's the right thing to do. | ||
| Plus, I do a lot for the Mass General and they've kept me alive over the years. | ||
| That's the truth, Joe. | ||
| Do you remember Eastside Comedy Club in Long Island? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Richard Jenney was there one weekend, and they said he did four different hours. | ||
| Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. | ||
| They said he never repeated a joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I remember we were all sitting around. | ||
| It was me and Joey Cola and a couple other comics. | ||
| We were just looking at the ground. | ||
| I love Joey Cola. | ||
| Looking at the ground, shaking our head, going, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, how? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How does he do it? | ||
| And it was all A stuff. | ||
| A. You know, it wasn't like, I'd do two different hours in one night, and... | ||
| I thought it was shit, but I was so high, I didn't care. | ||
| I'm just, hey, it's all new, baby. | ||
| Enjoy this, you know? | ||
| Yeah, but it was all A stuff. | ||
| He was a craftsman. | ||
| He was a craftsman. | ||
| And he worked with Rock, by the way. | ||
| Him and Rock worked on a lot of Chris Rock's earlier specials. | ||
| He worked with Richard Jenny. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| Yeah, Richard Jenny would like, they would tighten up bits together. | ||
| And DiPaolo did a lot with Rock. | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| Oh, God, he kills me. | ||
| DiPaolo's a great joke writer. | ||
| He's a fantastic joke writer. | ||
| And he... | ||
| He gets in trouble all the time just for writing great stuff. | ||
| Oh, you know what? | ||
| Nick has always not given a fuck. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's always had that, fuck the fuck out of here. | ||
| He's always had that. | ||
| And he kills me. | ||
| People go, I'm offended. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm offended that you're offended. | ||
| So I raise you being offended. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| How's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You happy with that? | |
| I remember when I first saw Nick at Stitches, it made me excited because here was this guy who looked like a football player. | ||
| A handsome football player. | ||
| Thick head of full jet black hair. | ||
| Good looking. | ||
| Great looking guy, but funny as shit. | ||
| And I was like, oh, you don't have to be a nerd to be a comedian. | ||
| No. | ||
| But I mean, growing up in Boston, that was a really good thing to learn because you guys, like you and Sweeney and Kevin Knox, these big fucking men. | ||
| Big men. | ||
| They weren't nerds. | ||
| People would say, so what an imposing line. | ||
| Like an O-line. | ||
| Big fucking giant guys who were savages. | ||
| Now, Kevin Knox... | ||
| You know, but people, he used to come in to the Ding Ho open mic night, and I put on like 40 people, I don't care. | ||
| And one night someone brought in a big bag of blow, and I said to Knox, I said, listen, you're up next. | ||
| He goes, I can't, he'd be in there every week with a couple of broads. | ||
| He had his own table, it was like a condo table, his table, and he just loved comedy. | ||
| And I said, hey man, you're up next. | ||
| He goes, I've never done it. | ||
| I said, just cover me for 10 minutes. | ||
| And he went up. | ||
| And he never looked back. | ||
| And he got better and better. | ||
| And he had the long flowing hair and the tennis. | ||
| He was a tennis instructor. | ||
| Yeah, he had a, what's it called? | ||
| Like a mullet or mullet, yeah. | ||
| But it was even more than a mullet. | ||
| It was flowing. | ||
| It was like there was a fan on him at all times. | ||
| The hair was flowing. | ||
| And he was the first guy that I knew that was a comic that was really in his health. | ||
| He was always jogging and exercising. | ||
| And taking vitamins and stuff. | ||
| Speaking of health, how were you doing? | ||
| I'm great. | ||
| Did you have a shoulder or a back? | ||
| Oh, I've had a gang of things. | ||
| I've always had something. | ||
| But that's just because I beat the shit out of my body. | ||
| Yeah, I remember when I was listening to one of your podcasts and you were talking about shoulder surgery and how you... | ||
| I avoided it with stem cells. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Now, a buddy of mine, this Navy SEAL, he said to me, I was having back problems and Gronk gave me some of that CBD. I saw some out on your thing. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I needed that because... | ||
| I just did this movie where I had a fight scene. | ||
| And he calls me up and he goes, hey, how you doing, Lenny? | ||
| I go, okay, we're excited about having you. | ||
| How's your back? | ||
| I go, back's fine. | ||
| And I just heard it the night before, driving in the car, like a three-hour drive. | ||
| I couldn't move. | ||
| So I said to Gronk, I need some of that stuff. | ||
| And it helped me. | ||
| It really worked. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| Well, it's all about inflammation. | ||
| And CBD is fantastic at reducing inflammation. | ||
| I take it every day. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| I believe in it wholeheartedly. | ||
| Now, when you say you take it, you take the pills. | ||
| Drops. | ||
| Drops. | ||
| See, I haven't tried that. | ||
| I just tried the rub-on stuff, you know? | ||
| The rub-on stuff's great, too, but the drops are more effective. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The way to do it, though, is to do both. | ||
| You do the drops and the rub-on stuff. | ||
| It's not like you get overdosed on CBD. It's not even psychoactive. | ||
| It just reduces inflammation. | ||
| Well, no one's overdosed yet, of course. | ||
| You won't be the guy. | ||
| You hear what happened to Lenny? | ||
| He OD'd on CBD. The first guy. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Lenny. | ||
| But the stem cell stuff, which I am all for, you know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, this NBC was telling me, I heard my bank, he said, Lenny, there's a place in Dallas, I guess they can inject you into your bloodstream and it goes to all the parts of your body. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, exosomes. | ||
| It's not just in Dallas. | ||
| They do it here in Santa Monica. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Lifespan medicine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shout out to Dr. Benruhi. | ||
| Yeah, I've had it done there. | ||
| Dr. Benruhi? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, now, that's what I love about you. | ||
| You've got that gym out there, which is amazing. | ||
| And I said to one of the guys who work for us, does Joe, like, you know, do things? | ||
| No, Joe buys everything. | ||
| Joe wants to be beholden to no one. | ||
| I go, wow, I wish I could be like that. | ||
| I'm beholden to everybody. | ||
| I don't want... | ||
| I know you don't. | ||
| If you have someone sponsor you, then you have to get their shit. | ||
| Maybe it's not the best shit. | ||
| I buy that Rogue equipment. | ||
| I buy it. | ||
| They don't give me a discount. | ||
| It's the best shit you can get. | ||
| All those CrossFitters use it. | ||
| It's fucking phenomenal. | ||
| It's all rock solid. | ||
| You got space age shit out there. | ||
| The new space age running thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I tried that. | |
| Oh, that thing's crazy. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| The Zero Runner, that's great. | ||
| But you know what I like even better? | ||
| That Air Runner, the one that you propel yourself. | ||
| The Assault. | ||
| Treadmill. | ||
| Assault treadmill. | ||
| Air Assault treadmill. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| You propel yourself on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| It's not a motor. | ||
| You know, like a regular treadmill is a motor. | ||
| You press a button and you just keep up with the machine. | ||
| This doesn't have a machine. | ||
| This is you actually pulling it. | ||
| So it's 13% harder than regular running. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But less on the joints. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Less on the joints. | ||
| There's no pounding. | ||
| It gives in. | ||
| It's very gentle. | ||
| See, because when I was fat and morbidly obese, my knee, I would still jog because I wanted to come down. | ||
| I didn't want to be fat. | ||
| You know, these people go, oh, I'm happy with myself. | ||
| They're lying to you. | ||
| No one wants to be 400 pounds. | ||
| It's a bunch of bullshit. | ||
| They might be happier not exercising than they are... | ||
| You know, exercising because they just don't like doing it. | ||
| So they say, I'm happy being this weight. | ||
| But if you could give them a pill and say, hey, look, I'll give you a pill and you're going to look like Jason Momoa. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I'll take it. | ||
| I took the last 30 pounds that I lost to get down to the 200-pound plateau. | ||
| I actually lost 200 pounds. | ||
| Were drops from this, like, New England fat loss. | ||
| And they were drops, you know, all organic. | ||
| And recently they took my DNA. We're good to go. | ||
| For my head. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Keep the demons away. | ||
| Oh, fight those demons. | ||
| Get them out. | ||
| Get them out running. | ||
| Yeah, I beat the shit out of the bag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| I'm trying to kill the demons. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| But you eat right too. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to, you know. | ||
| Yeah, sugar's the number one thing. | ||
| Get that shit the fuck out of your life. | ||
| Get rid of sugar. | ||
| I mean, you know, have a cookie occasionally. | ||
| Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| But the people that have sugar every day, they drink sodas, and they drink sodas and eat candy bars. | ||
| You're killing yourself. | ||
| Slowly but surely. | ||
| I got off the desserts by going to the mad Russian. | ||
| You ever hear of this guy? | ||
| Yeah, I have heard of him. | ||
| In Brookline. | ||
| He's got like an 86% success rate for no smoking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Every now and then. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| The Mad Russian. | ||
| What's his actual name? | ||
| It's in there when you Google him up. | ||
| He'll tell you. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's in Brookline? | ||
| Yeah, he's in Brookline and he's old. | ||
| He's like 87, 88 years old, right? | ||
| So he had this thing for fat loss. | ||
| Anything with fat loss, I'm always looking at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah Well try saying that Say his name Yefim Zhubazov And that's him Zhubazov And look at his hands And that's what When those hands are in that position He goes I am not a hypnotist I am not a hypnotist No no no Don't drink soft drink Soft drink give you Multiple sclerosis This is what he's saying He's an eraser of addictions Depression Anxiety He works with smokers, drug addicts, alcoholics, and overeaters. | |
| Celebrities who say they have had success with his treatments include Billy Joel, Drew Barrymore, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Arquette, and Amy Tan. | ||
| Who the fuck is Amy Tan and why isn't Lenny Clark on that list? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I couldn't get in for years. | ||
| So one day I go to see him. | ||
| And three hours this guy's talking. | ||
| I'm not the hypnotist yet and I'm listening to everything. | ||
| I'm there for chocolate cake, Joe. | ||
| Chocolate cake was my kryptonite. | ||
| Oh, God! | ||
| Any kind of cake but the chocolate. | ||
| I didn't know whether to fuck it or eat it. | ||
| Sometimes both. | ||
| So anyway, now I go and I listen to him. | ||
| And at the end, he goes, okay, now we go one-on-one. | ||
| And I didn't know we were going one-on-one. | ||
| He goes, I want you to tell me what you don't want to eat. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Okay, close your eyes and tell me what you don't want. | ||
| I said, well, I'm here for the chocolate cake. | ||
| I said, all right, chocolate cake, pizza, and cheese. | ||
| The next night, I'm in an art den. | ||
| I have all three. | ||
| It didn't work. | ||
| I never drank it. | ||
| I was drinking 10 cans a tab a day. | ||
| That was in my rider. | ||
| I only had one thing in my rider. | ||
| A case of tab. | ||
| And it was a joke. | ||
| Tab. | ||
| That's what I drank. | ||
| Some people drink Diet Coke. | ||
| I drank tab. | ||
| Those cool pink cans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tab. | ||
| What a beautiful drink. | ||
| Nobody even knows what that is anymore. | ||
| No, the millennials flip out everything about me. | ||
| I'm like a Stone Age person today. | ||
| I mean, that's cool. | ||
| So now, I don't drink that. | ||
| And I find myself just drinking water, water. | ||
| So I say, you know what? | ||
| That guy hit me. | ||
| He hit me with the right thing. | ||
| I got to go back. | ||
| Five years I tried to get back in. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| A Father's Day, about seven years ago, there's an opening. | ||
| And I go, and in the room are people from Switzerland, Spain, Argentina, Greece, a couple people from New England, and me. | ||
| And he goes, I've seen you before. | ||
| You do not have to I go, no, no. | ||
| I'm not here for that. | ||
| This is 65 bucks. | ||
| I want in. | ||
| So I listen. | ||
| I listen. | ||
| He goes, okay, now we have the one I want. | ||
| Me. | ||
| I'll go first. | ||
| So I go in the room. | ||
| He goes, okay, close your eyes. | ||
| Tell me what you don't want to do. | ||
| Not just for a month, but forever. | ||
| You'll never have again. | ||
| And I go, okay, the chocolate, the cake. | ||
| No, fuck, all desserts. | ||
| Fuck, everything with a dessert. | ||
| Pastries, everything. | ||
| He goes, poof. | ||
| Next day, I go to the bakery in Somerville, and the place is crowded. | ||
| They go, Lenny, come right up the front, because I'm good for a big sale. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| Nothing! | ||
| I haven't had a dessert in seven years. | ||
| Now, whipped cream is my thing. | ||
| Whipped cream, I eat whipped cream. | ||
| You still get whipped cream, but you don't get dessert. | ||
| No dessert. | ||
| No dessert, no pastry. | ||
| Just a little bit of whipped cream? | ||
| A lot of bit of whipped cream. | ||
| I mean, a bowl. | ||
| Like a bowl of it? | ||
| You scoop it out with a spoon? | ||
| Well, sometimes I don't even use the spoon. | ||
| I scoffish the thing right up. | ||
| Whipped cream with pudding is pretty goddamn good. | ||
| Chocolate pudding with whipped cream? | ||
| Yeah, that'd be all right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| See? | ||
| See? | ||
| Cold whipped cream and warm pudding like you just made it? | ||
| Like if you just made it? | ||
| Oh, this is like food porn. | ||
| Hey, welcome to food porn. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| People don't know about warm pudding because nobody makes pudding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| That's right. | ||
| These fucks, they just buy it. | ||
| My mother used to make the warm pot in my bed. | ||
| Do you smell that? | ||
| It'd get up like an animal. | ||
| Oh my God, the smell. | ||
| I remember it from my childhood. | ||
| But today, nobody fucking makes pudding. | ||
| Who the fuck makes pudding? | ||
| No, that's right. | ||
| You buy it. | ||
| You buy it already made. | ||
| I have the whipped cream. | ||
| We go to a fancy restaurant and I said to my wife, you want some dessert or something? | ||
| Maybe I'll have a little something. | ||
| What about you? | ||
| Give me a bowl of whipped cream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A bowl of whipped cream. | |
| A bowl of whipped cream. | ||
| And they bring it. | ||
| Everyone will be looking at me. | ||
| What does he have here? | ||
| I have a bowl of whipped cream. | ||
| Mind your business. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| It works. | ||
| Why don't they just sell that? | ||
| A bowl of whipped cream. | ||
| That would probably fly off the shelves. | ||
| Maybe I should open up a franchise. | ||
| Whipped cream. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| Cool whipped cream. | ||
| Hey, nobody fucking knew Starbucks was going to take off until it did. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| When we were kids, you'd get a cup of coffee, it was like 50 cents or 25 cents. | ||
| You'd go to a diner, it was easy. | ||
| Now, coffee's $3 for a small coffee. | ||
| Five! | ||
| Yeah, for a venti. | ||
| I bought two coffees this morning, $11. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It's coffee. | ||
| It's just coffee. | ||
| But something happened. | ||
| Starbucks figured it out. | ||
| Make them junkies. | ||
| Turn everybody into a coffee junkie. | ||
| Why doesn't cocoa get you high? | ||
| Cocoa? | ||
| Yeah, cocoa. | ||
| Well, it's not the same stuff. | ||
| Well, doesn't cocoa come from the cocoa leaf? | ||
| No, it comes from cacao. | ||
| Ah, well, see? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could be a scientist, Joe. | |
| I'd have a lot of schooling to go through. | ||
| But cacao, isn't that where cocoa comes from? | ||
| It doesn't come from coca leaf. | ||
| Coca is cocaine. | ||
| But you know what I've never had, Lenny? | ||
| That I know, Joe. | ||
| That I know. | ||
| I've never had the leaves. | ||
| Have you chewed the leaves? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| What is it like? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's like, let's see what's at the top of the mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It just gives you a taste. | |
| Come on, everybody! | ||
| Follow me! | ||
| It just gives you a little taste. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Well, you know, I went down to Katahina. | ||
| I went on a TNT travel. | ||
| Like, $199 I took this day. | ||
| You took a cocaine tour? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| Joe, they didn't have to go. | ||
| It took me almost a day and a half to find the blow. | ||
| When I got to the car, I go, hey man, can we get you anything? | ||
| Yeah, I want a lot of blow. | ||
| As much as you can get me. | ||
| We don't have any blow. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| That's what you're making. | ||
| That's why I come to see you. | ||
| We send it all to America. | ||
| I go, there's got to be a shipment that didn't go. | ||
| There's got to be one way. | ||
| Get Senor Lenny to blow. | ||
| I ended up going to where they made it. | ||
| I was chewing the leaves. | ||
| Smoking it. | ||
| Sniffing it. | ||
| Rubbing it on my ass. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| I didn't care. | ||
| I was covered and blown. | ||
| I got like an ounce for like $180. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What's it normally cost? | ||
| A couple grand. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| At the time. | ||
| At the time. | ||
| Your listeners, I'm sure, will know. | ||
| Google that, you sons of bitches. | ||
| Hey, man! | ||
| It's like you said. | ||
| Anyone who thinks I'm making this shit up, great. | ||
| What an imagination I would have. | ||
| I don't have that good of an imagination. | ||
| I'm just telling you how whacked I am as a person. | ||
| These stories are corroborated, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Oh, there's a lot of witnesses. | ||
| That's why I haven't written a book. | ||
| A few more people are going to die for us. | ||
| Who are you hoping dies first before the book comes out? | ||
| You know who did die? | ||
| Rip Taylor died. | ||
| I heard today, right? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Now, when I first started doing comedy... | ||
| Hollywood Squares. | ||
| I did it with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you? | |
| Oh, yeah, I did that. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| One of the nicest, sweetest... | ||
| I used to write comedy when I first started. | ||
| And I'd spend time in my room. | ||
| I saw everything on Lenny Bruce I just delved into. | ||
| And Lenny used to listen to his tapes for hours on end. | ||
| I didn't realize he was listening to his performances. | ||
| I thought he was sitting in a room with the tape running, and when the shit, he'd say something. | ||
| He'd go, oh, and I'd be wearing a blank tape, right? | ||
| So I started, I go, I must be doing something wrong. | ||
| So I write jokes. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| I write, yeah, yeah, you think that, you think I want people to know that? | ||
| So I go down, I go, Ma, what do you think of this joke? | ||
| And I write, she goes, I don't know, man, I guess it's funny. | ||
| And I go, you guess it's funny? | ||
| Well, who do you like? | ||
| She goes, I like Rip Taylor. | ||
| Rip Taylor! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rip Taylor! | |
| You know he had sex with little boys? | ||
| She goes, get out of my kitchen! | ||
| I love Rip Taylor! | ||
| Why do you think Heinz makes 57 varieties? | ||
| You're the only funny person wrong! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the hell out of here! | |
| And I hated Rip Taylor because he was my mother's favorite comedian. | ||
| I wanted to be her favorite. | ||
| So I'm working the dunes. | ||
| This is 35 years ago, man. | ||
| And I'm up by the pool, and I'm drinking it. | ||
| Out comes Pauly Shore, and who's he with? | ||
| Rip Taylor. | ||
| And I go, oh, my God. | ||
| Well, he introduces them to me, and before I can get two words out of my mouth, he's got me crying. | ||
| He's one of the funniest people. | ||
| Quick, funny. | ||
| Ooh, look at that. | ||
| Ooh, what a buffet for me. | ||
| And so I say to him, I say, hey, Rip, I said, would you do me a favor? | ||
| He goes, well, sure, whatever. | ||
| I said, Would you say hello to my mother if we called her on the phone? | ||
| He goes, of course I would. | ||
| And they bring the phone over with the long cord. | ||
| This is the old Vegas, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So I go, Ma, Ma, I got someone who wants to say hello to you. | ||
| And he goes, what's your name, Gene? | ||
| Hello, Gene, it's Rip Taylor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| And you hear my mother, ah! | ||
| And he spends like two minutes on the phone. | ||
| He's so sweet. | ||
| And I go, I love the guy ever since then. | ||
| I didn't tell him what I said. | ||
| I was lashing out. | ||
| I was a kid. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| But one of the sweetest guys, and I got to work with him at Hollywood Squares, and we did a couple of benefits together. | ||
| But a sweet, sweet and funny as hell. | ||
| Yeah, I never got to meet him, but he was a funny guy. | ||
| I used to love him on Hollywood Squares. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| They would always come to him when they wanted a little comic relief. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Well, you know, I'm going to tell you something. | ||
| They gave you the answers to that show. | ||
| Did they really? | ||
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Yeah, they had the answers! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| The answers were right there. | ||
| Now, you could make up your mind. | ||
| They gave that to people who weren't funny. | ||
| But you could, you know, because I was throwing my own stuff out there. | ||
| And one day, I was really getting cocky in the crowd. | ||
| And I went, what do you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| You can't turn on the crowd. | ||
| That's ironic. | ||
| I go, oh! | ||
| And I did the one where Henry Winkle was producing it. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| Have you met Henry? | ||
| I love Henry. | ||
| I did a movie with Henry. | ||
| He was the greatest guy. | ||
| He wrote a book called There's No Idiots on the River about fly fishing. | ||
| He loves fly fishing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know what the toughest part about fly fishing is? | ||
| Telling your parents you're gay. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| That's my wife's joke. | ||
| My wife's a big fisherman. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, God, yeah. | ||
| Didn't you live on an island for a while? | ||
| I live. | ||
| I'm still there. | ||
| Yeah, they haven't gone up to me yet. | ||
| Are you next to Obama? | ||
| There's nowhere he lives now. | ||
| Obama lived on my road. | ||
| Obama lived on my road. | ||
| What is it like? | ||
| Can you get near the house? | ||
| Or is it like fucking guys with guns everywhere? | ||
| Guys with guns everywhere. | ||
| Really? | ||
| When he was the active president, they watered the road twice a day so the dust wouldn't rise. | ||
| Kids. | ||
| I swear to God, as God is my judge. | ||
| So I would pull up, and all the secret security would say, hey man, tell us a joke, funny man. | ||
| And I'd tell them a joke, and they'd laugh, they'd let me go. | ||
| Because the next road, this was the preliminary road stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| To see if you even belonged in that property. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| 60 houses in my place where... | ||
| I live in a... | ||
| I got like a five and a half acre estate. | ||
| I married wealthy again, Joe. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You told me. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And she's a fisherman, world-class fisherman with a boat. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Captain. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And she takes me out and pulls me alongside these sharks and I go, no! | ||
| Get the... | ||
| We pulled up alongside a basking shark and... | ||
| The thing had to be 2,000 pounds. | ||
| Biggest thing I've ever seen. | ||
| Go ahead and pet it. | ||
| I go, I'm not going to pet it. | ||
| It doesn't have teeth. | ||
| It can't bite you. | ||
| Yeah, that's all. | ||
| Lenny Clark, gummed to death by a giant sea queen. | ||
| Get the fuck... | ||
| But I've been on her boat. | ||
| I was on her boat three times this year with great whites. | ||
| She's got a 32-foot boat. | ||
| Almost... | ||
| More than half the boat. | ||
| That big. | ||
| Great whites. | ||
| Yeah, they're everywhere. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| There's a lot of them out in Martha's Vineyard right now. | ||
| Oh my god, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they were saying they're around the Cape. | ||
| There's a lot around the Cape. | ||
| I got an app, it's called Shocktivity. | ||
| And they tag all these great whites. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And when the great whites come near where you are, beep, beep, it goes off. | ||
| And I go, oh, and you look out and you can see them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| There's a video of this guy, and this shark comes by the boat, and you can't even believe it's real. | ||
| You've seen that video? | ||
| That was on my wife's Facebook page. | ||
| Was that from the cave? | ||
| That was from the vineyard. | ||
| It was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's like a 20-foot-long shark. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so big, it doesn't even make sense. | ||
| It looks fake. | ||
| Yeah, it looks fake. | ||
| It's not fake. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| What the fuck do they eat out there? | ||
| Whatever they want. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Seals. | ||
| Seals. | ||
| There's a lot of seals. | ||
| And if you ever see seals and you're swimming in seals, leave the water. | ||
| Because the sharks are the landlord. | ||
| Did you ever see the video off of Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco where a great white merc's a seal right in front of everybody? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Holy shit that video, huh? | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| And the water fills with blood and that brings all the other sharks. | ||
| Just blood everywhere and the people are like gathering around the water watching it like holy fuck looking off the dock. | ||
| Do you remember Kurt Gowdy? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| His son Trevor Gowdy. | ||
| He came to me and said... | ||
| What was that? | ||
| The Wide World of Sports? | ||
| The Wide World of Sports? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then he did the first five Super Bowls. | ||
| He was the man. | ||
| His voice. | ||
| So his son said, we want you to do this thing for the Outdoor Life Channel where you're a fish. | ||
| And I go, I'm not a fisherman. | ||
| I suck at this. | ||
| He goes, no, no. | ||
| He said, we'll use your wife's boat and you can be the celebrity. | ||
| I said, okay. | ||
| Because we've done five or six celebrities. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| I said, okay. | ||
| What are we going to do? | ||
| Bluefish? | ||
| No, that's been done. | ||
| Albacore? | ||
| Done. | ||
| Stripe is done. | ||
| What are we going to do? | ||
| Sharks. | ||
| Sharks. | ||
| I said, so we go out on this really rough day, man. | ||
| And we go out about 60 miles. | ||
| And the water's rough. | ||
| And halfway out, we stop and catch bluefish. | ||
| I said, they're the bait. | ||
| I go, oh my God. | ||
| So we get out... | ||
| 70 miles, 80 miles offshore. | ||
| I cast the line. | ||
| Within 20 seconds, I got a 400-pound Mako on my line. | ||
| A blue. | ||
| 400-pound blue. | ||
| And I'm going, oh, man. | ||
| They go, reel it out. | ||
| Make it look for longer for TV. I go, fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Edit it. | |
| This thing's heavy, right? | ||
| So... | ||
| Then she casts, and she catches a 500-pound mako. | ||
| I said, you couldn't let me be the star for 30 seconds. | ||
| So now we do the shoot. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| A year later, I'm going through Kansas City, and a guy comes up. | ||
| He goes, hey, man, I saw you on that fishing show with the sharks. | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| He goes, you're the worst fisherman I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Yes, I am. | ||
| I suck at that. | ||
| But you hunting, and I saw you shooting guns the other day. | ||
| I just shot at the Matlite shootout. | ||
| He played for the Patriots, and you drive around the golf carts with shotguns. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| You drive around golf carts with shotguns? | ||
| Yeah, and you shoot skeet. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And you can't drink until after it's over. | ||
| The first year, you could drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Why are you doing it? | ||
| No one got hurt, but, you know, the people with rules, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So now... | |
| I couldn't get to skeet, so I was shooting off limbs of trees. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Hey, Lenny, you're clear of that guy's view. | ||
| But now, so every year I'm in the celebrity quick draw, you know? | ||
| It's a pistol. | ||
| Because long guns, I'm pretty good. | ||
| I must say I'm really good at long guns. | ||
| But pistols, not so much. | ||
| But I'm fast. | ||
| So, I mean, like if you needed a guy to lay down suppression fire, I'd be your guy. | ||
| So we go, draw! | ||
| And I don't hit anything. | ||
| But this year, I hit four out of five. | ||
| And I saw you shooting the other day. | ||
| You're a pretty good shot. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| I'm learning. | ||
| I want a gun. | ||
| When you see a guy like this guy named Taron Butler who runs that Taron Tactical place, when you see him shoot, he's like a world champion shooter, you go, oh, okay. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| There's levels. | ||
| There's levels to this. | ||
| I look slow as fuck to someone like him. | ||
| I shot with the fastest guy, fastest pistol guy in the world. | ||
| And he said, Lenny, you're very fast, but you're a horrible aim. | ||
| You have no aim whatsoever. | ||
| But you're very quick. | ||
| Well, I'm learning about that world, the world of competitive shooters because of that Terran tactical place. | ||
| Me and Tom Segura, we started going down there. | ||
| Because have you ever seen Tom stand up? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fucking hilarious. | ||
| I heard he's hilarious. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I've seen some of his stuff on YouTube. | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| We worked together for the first time 12 years ago with Charlie Murphy, rest in peace. | ||
| Me and Charlie and John Heffron were doing this Maxim Bud Light comedy tour. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And we toured around the country and they would have a local guy open up and do a few minutes before Heffron and Heffron were going up. | ||
| It would be either me or Charlie after him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And Segura went up in Phoenix and the fucking guy was so funny. | ||
| I couldn't believe how funny it was. | ||
| I didn't know who he was. | ||
| I'm like, how long have you been doing it? | ||
| He's only been doing it like a few years. | ||
| And we became great friends ever since. | ||
| And now you're up shooting guys. | ||
| But then we do this Sober October thing every year with Ari Shafir and Bert Kreischer. | ||
| And this year we have to take 10 different classes of something, anything. | ||
| Yoga class, boxing class. | ||
| So we started taking tactical shooting and learning. | ||
| You know, just learning how to shoot pistols correctly. | ||
| Because I knew how to shoot rifles for hunting, but I've never... | ||
| The only thing I've ever... | ||
| I've shot pistols before, but with no instruction. | ||
| I just pulled the trigger and, you know, I wasn't good at it. | ||
| Kenny Rogerson says that I am the worst hunter in the world because when I moved to the vineyard, I remember the first... | ||
| There's deer everywhere out there, isn't there? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| And I came home one night, lit up, and I got out of my car, and a deer just popped in front of the door. | ||
| I backed up and stepped on a wild turkey's foot or hoof, whatever they got. | ||
| So I'm going, holy shit, baby, the zoo must be... | ||
| They broke out of the zoo. | ||
| These are animals. | ||
| They're not going to live around my property, so I got a gun, right? | ||
| And... | ||
| The squirrels were eating all my bird feed, and I feed the birds. | ||
| And so I'd say, I'm going to kill you, bastard. | ||
| First I was throwing furniture at them, and I got a couple of them. | ||
| But then I really didn't want to kill them, but I figured I'd like to shoot the tail off. | ||
| But the bastards move, and I'd get them in the head. | ||
| And I'd go, no. | ||
| So the squirrel's suffering. | ||
| I'd go, no, look what you made me do, you stupid bastard. | ||
| Did you ever eat them? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They taste good. | ||
| Squirrels are good. | ||
| Well, yeah, I give them to the people in the neighborhood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I don't kill them anymore because I felt bad because I didn't want to kill them. | ||
| You just didn't want them to eat the bird food. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, we had a problem with our chickens. | ||
| The squirrels were getting into the chicken coop and eating the chicken food. | ||
| Well, the deer. | ||
| Now, the deer. | ||
| My wife swerved ahead of the deer. | ||
| I totaled the caddy. | ||
| The caddy's gone. | ||
| So, the other night, I'm coming home. | ||
| They tell you not to swerve. | ||
| I don't swerve. | ||
| I go for them. | ||
| I chase the bastards. | ||
| Oh, I chase them right through a field. | ||
| I didn't get them, but But you could die that way, too. | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah, because you know... | ||
| My friend Cam, he lives in Eugene, Oregon, and a guy in his neighborhood, a guy in front of him hit a deer, and it flew up in the air and landed through his windshield and killed him. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Yeah, so driving down the highway, guy in front hits the deer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Deer comes flying through the air. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| Right through the windshield. | ||
| To the second guy's windshield. | ||
| Yep, to the second guy's windshield. | ||
| That's why I never follow anyone. | ||
| Always lead. | ||
| Lead, lead, lead, lead. | ||
| Be the lead pony, man. | ||
| But behind me, that's not bad. | ||
| But with the deer... | ||
| When I got there, I had a partial view of the ocean. | ||
| It used to be a real ocean view. | ||
| And at the time, I was the only one there. | ||
| So I said, hey, it'd be terrible if a typhoon came and took all these trees down. | ||
| And the trees came down. | ||
| But I replaced every tree that was missing. | ||
| We bought out two nurseries. | ||
| Of course you do. | ||
| Two nurseries that were going out. | ||
| Is it illegal to chop trees down? | ||
| Evidently. | ||
| I'm glad you didn't do that. | ||
| Why would I do that? | ||
| I'm a law-abiding person. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| So I bought two nurseries going out of business. | ||
| We have 500 trees. | ||
| None of them over six feet tall. | ||
| But then we had gardens and vegetables and stuff like that. | ||
| And the deer were eating them. | ||
| And I'm at the beach one day and I'm pissed off. | ||
| I'm saying, these goddamn deer. | ||
| And this old guy comes to me, excuse me, excuse me, I overheard your conversation. | ||
| This is what deer don't eat. | ||
| And he gave me a list of like 50 things. | ||
| So I went out and bought everything. | ||
| And a week later I saw him, hey shithead, evidently my dear can't read because they ate all of that. | ||
| And then I just... | ||
| I'm not good at killing stuff, although I did kill a couple, you know. | ||
| By mistake, I really did. | ||
| I tried to scare them and, you know, they ran into the bullet, I suppose. | ||
| What were you shooting them with? | ||
| Well, this was a.22, like the Rifleman. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rifleman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chuck Connish. | ||
| Yes, I remember that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| I used to love that. | ||
| Well, I got one just like that. | ||
| Black and white. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Old school TV show. | ||
| And I got really good with it, you know. | ||
| Like one of those repeating, like a Henry rifle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Exactly! | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| They still make those, you know. | ||
| Henry Rifles is like a big rifle company. | ||
| Kenny came down one week at Kenny Rogers and stayed up all night. | ||
| He refused to sleep. | ||
| Went through about 300 rounds and the gun was still smoking the next morning. | ||
| I gotta get it fixed now. | ||
| So I have other guns. | ||
| But anyway, I'd call up my caretaker and say, hey man, you want a date? | ||
| Yeah, I'm on my way. | ||
| So he came over. | ||
| He said, how many did you kill? | ||
| I go, oh, just this one. | ||
| He goes, two more in the yard. | ||
| And I go, because I was firing into the bushes to scare him. | ||
| Evidently, I got them. | ||
| Is there a rule on how many you're allowed to kill? | ||
| Are you shooting them during season? | ||
| Or are you just shooting them as a nuisance? | ||
| I shot one from my kitchen table. | ||
| I said, get out! | ||
| The window? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, right through the window. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So, I had the screen door open. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't do that anymore, but it's just... | ||
| Jay Miller. | ||
| You know Jay Miller, the hockey player, played for the Bruins. | ||
| They hired him to protect Gretzky years ago. | ||
| I think he may have lost one fight in his life. | ||
| He's a tough, tough son of a bitch. | ||
| Anyway, hockey's 10 best top fights. | ||
| He's in like three of them. | ||
| So he says, can I come hunting your property? | ||
| I go... | ||
| That'd be great. | ||
| Come over and kill all my deer. | ||
| So he gets like six or seven guys and they come over with these unbelievable bandoleros and shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So he's beeping a horn in his trucks and they're all in these big trucks. | ||
| I go, hey, how you doing, Jay? | ||
| Man, I'm so glad you're here. | ||
| Go, kill everyone you can find. | ||
| He goes, oh no, man, it's not deer season. | ||
| We're killing rabbits today. | ||
| And you hear my wife in the boat? | ||
| Not my rabbits! | ||
| So I gotta go out and tell these fucking monster hunters. | ||
| I said, hey man, listen to me. | ||
| My neighbors, both of my neighbors are gone. | ||
| Go down there and kill every rabbit you can find. | ||
| But, I mean, imagine that. | ||
| I'm telling these testosterone. | ||
| They look like Mexicans. | ||
| They're coming down there to kill rabbits? | ||
| That seems ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| All the way to Martha's Vineyard to kill rabbits? | ||
| There's a lot of rabbits there, man. | ||
| There's rabbits and skunks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And someone brought skunks are not indigenous to the vineyard. | ||
| This asshole brought skunks over because he was pissed off at some other rules he couldn't do. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And they multiplied. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I've seen baby skunks, you know. | ||
| Somebody brought skunks over to piss somebody else off? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Who is this guy? | ||
| Name them out. | ||
| Fuck that guy. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| It'll come to me. | ||
| I'll text you his name. | ||
| They're cute little animals, but they'll fuck your chickens up, too. | ||
| Do you know skunks are predators? | ||
| They'll fuck your dog up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If you've got a cat... | ||
| They'll spray the shit out of them, too. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| Then they've got to bathe them in tomato juice and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't work. | |
| My dog got zapped. | ||
| Not the dog out here, not Marshall, but when I was a kid, my dog in Boston got zapped. | ||
| Tomato just didn't do jack shit. | ||
| She stunk for fucking weeks. | ||
| And we kept shampooing her. | ||
| You know when you asked, is there a limit for the animals you can kill? | ||
| When I killed my first turkey, I thought that some guy owned all these wild turkeys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's funny. | |
| And when there was three missing, I go, he's gonna know. | ||
| There's three missing. | ||
| He's gonna come up here and give me lots of shit. | ||
| You know, get rid of them. | ||
| And they cooked it. | ||
| It was really gamey. | ||
| I had a piece of it. | ||
| Not good, you know. | ||
| You gotta cook it right, and you gotta prepare it right, but I've had wild turkey, and it was really good. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure if you do it right, but these guys, they have no teeth and everything. | ||
| Is there a hunting season on Martha's Vineyard where you can shoot deer? | ||
| Yes, there is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I think it's twice. | ||
| And then there's bow and arrow season, too, because I let some guys put up stands in my yard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I got five and a half acres. | ||
| How many deer do you have out there? | ||
| A lot of deer, Joe. | ||
| A lot of deer. | ||
| And, you know, I've noticed you're a lot of 12-point bucks. | ||
| These are elk. | ||
| That's an elk. | ||
| Okay, well, there was a 10-point buck in my property that a guy bagged in. | ||
| Wow, that's a big deer. | ||
| Yeah, it's a huge deer. | ||
| And they have little deers, you know, the Bambi deers. | ||
| But there's no predators. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's the thing about Martha's Vineyard. | ||
| If they're out on that island. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How the fuck did they get out there? | ||
| I don't know, Joe. | ||
| The guy brought the skunks in. | ||
| Maybe the Indians. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They might have swam. | ||
| They could swim. | ||
| They can. | ||
| They can swim. | ||
| I've seen them swim across rivers. | ||
| And if you swim on a calm day from Falmouth to the vineyard, it's probably five, six miles. | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| It could be done. | ||
| It could be done. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And who knows? | ||
| It might have been closer at one point in time in history. | ||
| They have the Cape Cod Railroad train. | ||
| They had a bear Take the train. | ||
| Joe, I swear to God, he got on the garbage train, and he was eating the garbage, drove across the canal, you know, they let the railroad bridge down, and the bear is showered down, and no one even knows. | ||
| And people call, there's a bear on the train, and they go, yeah, that's very funny. | ||
| And he ended up down near the bottom of the cave. | ||
| Well, there's a shitload of them in Pasadena. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they hop in people's pools. | ||
| It's a real problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| There's one of my favorite videos. | ||
| This guy's walking down the street, looking at his phone. | ||
| He's just looking at his phone, not even paying attention. | ||
| And he literally, a bear's like, from you to me. | ||
| And he's like, ah! | ||
| And then he turns and runs away. | ||
| And the bear's like, ah! | ||
| They're black bear. | ||
| They're not that dangerous. | ||
| They can be dangerous. | ||
| What would you rather have in your pool? | ||
| A black bear or an alligator? | ||
| A black bear. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Because you could talk to the bear. | ||
| You could scare the bear away. | ||
| Get out of here, you fuck! | ||
| The alligator. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Goddamn dinosaurs. | ||
| Yeah, look at this one. | ||
| This is these two old people. | ||
| Is this Pastina as well? | ||
| So these two old people. | ||
| Is that a bear in the back that I'm looking at? | ||
| They're not even paying attention. | ||
| And watch, the guy locks his door, walks away, and this fucking bear is like, hello. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Well, he seems like a nice bear. | ||
| Well, it's a residential bear is what it is. | ||
| They're used to being around people. | ||
| That's a habituated bear. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| I'd like to teach him how to drive a lawnmower. | ||
| Pasadena's a beautiful place. | ||
| Imagine having your bear drive the lawnmower. | ||
| Wouldn't that be something? | ||
| Did you ever work out there in Pasadena at the Ice House? | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
| Yeah, well, 30 years ago. | ||
| Fucking love it out there. | ||
| And so, you know, they're butted up against the mountains out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's pretty close to Big Bear as well, so there's a lot of bears out there in that area. | ||
| And they hop in people's pools and swim around. | ||
| People come home, there's fucking mama bear and two cubs swimming around their pool. | ||
| Don't fuck with the mama bear. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, no, yeah. | ||
| Four people have been jacked so far just this bow hunting season in Montana by grizzlies. | ||
| And it's almost always a mama bear with cubs. | ||
| Now, where do you go in Montana? | ||
| Well, I haven't hunted in Montana in a few years. | ||
| Last time I actually hunted in Montana was with Bourdain. | ||
| We went pheasant hunting outside of Bozeman. | ||
| My wife's got a place in Bozeman. | ||
| Bozeman's fantastic. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| It's gorgeous. | ||
| Did you ever go to that hotel where a guy rode the horse into the elevator? | ||
| He was in Stripes. | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| I swear the guy rode the horse into the elevator. | ||
| Because I said, where's the guy riding the horse? | ||
| He was over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stripes. | |
| Yeah, the guy who was the drill sergeant. | ||
| He did a lot of movies anyway. | ||
| Yeah, I haven't been to that one, but yeah, Bozeman's fucking great. | ||
| But most, I hunt in Utah, I've hunted in Colorado, I've hunted in Alaska, I've hunted in a lot of places. | ||
| Montana is amazing. | ||
| We went there after the Whittier earthquake, because she flipped out. | ||
| So we left, and the first flight out was Utah, and then from Utah we went to Bozeman. | ||
| Just to hide while the earth falls apart? | ||
| Yeah, right, yeah. | ||
| So now, we go into Yellowstone, and they're snowmobiling, you know? | ||
| And I had never done that, you know what I mean? | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| There were no rules. | ||
| Well, to go to Yellowstone now, Clinton had it. | ||
| You have to go on a tour. | ||
| Back then, you could go just rent and go off on your own. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Clinton changed that? | ||
| Yeah, she did. | ||
| Why did Clinton change that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You can't get your dick sucked out there in the forest. | ||
| You catch me? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You got to stay on the trail. | ||
| I ended up going to... | ||
| Old Faithful Lodge. | ||
| And, you know, I was still smoking and drinking, I think, back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I wanted to see if that Old Faithful, if it went off every hour on the hour. | ||
| And so I went out at like four in the morning. | ||
| I think it's a scam. | ||
| I'm going to be an investigative reporter. | ||
| So I'm smoking a joint, and I'm out there. | ||
| It's just me. | ||
| And out comes this elk from the other side. | ||
| And he looks at me, and I look at him, and I go, I don't want to fuck with this guy. | ||
| And the thing went off, and we both looked, and then we both just backed away. | ||
| It's wild, man. | ||
| Some guy got attacked recently, a lady, by an elk. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| They were fucking with it. | ||
| They're trying to take selfies and shit. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| Especially right now, because they're fucking right now. | ||
| This is a rut. | ||
| Like, right now, it's towards the end of the rut, because we're into October. | ||
| But the rut is basically from, like, the first week in September to somewhere around the last week in September. | ||
| It might go on. | ||
| Sometimes they'll rut into October. | ||
| In California, they'll still rut right now. | ||
| They're still rutting right now. | ||
| For them, when they're fucking, it's called a rut? | ||
| Yeah, it's called a rut. | ||
| Yeah, because when I'm not fucking, that's a rut. | ||
| That's a rut. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Now, I'm just coming out of a rut. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| In West Yellowstone, it's the snowmobile capital of the world. | ||
| And they have guys that come out from Michigan with souped up Snowmobiles that, you know, like rockets. | ||
| And there's gangs of nice people, real nice people. | ||
| And I met some, they were in a bar. | ||
| And everyone in West Yellowstone drives around on the streets in the snowmobiles. | ||
| There's more snowmobiles than cars. | ||
| I didn't even see that many cars. | ||
| So I'm pretty fucked up. | ||
| And I start getting cocky after day two on the snowmobile. | ||
| And I go up off this ridge, and I'm airborne. | ||
| And I come down in some fucking trees. | ||
| That's how I... So now the snowmobile is buried, right? | ||
| And my wife goes, what the fuck have you done? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Help me. | ||
| We can't pull that out. | ||
| And who comes up but the guys I met in the bar that morning, 10 of them, and they pulled it out with me. | ||
| And they said, you should be able to make it back. | ||
| And I go, why? | ||
| Well, the front's all fucked up. | ||
| And I went, okay. | ||
| So we bring it back. | ||
| And she says, what are you going to tell the guy? | ||
| I go, I'm going to tell him we got charged by Buffalo. | ||
| So she checks in hers, and I call the guy, excuse you, sir, I've got to talk to you for a second. | ||
| I say, what happened? | ||
| I say, well, let's see what happened here. | ||
| And he goes, what happened? | ||
| And she goes, I walked over just as the guy was saying, by Buffalo, huh? | ||
| Guy goes, guy says, kid, I've never heard that story, ever, ever. | ||
| I've never heard anything charged about Buffalo. | ||
| I said, I was 150 bucks. | ||
| I said, great! | ||
| He says, I should have charged you three. | ||
| I said, hey, but I would have paid it. | ||
| Oh, it was all fucked up. | ||
| The light was broken. | ||
| But you can't do that anymore. | ||
| Last time I was in Aspen, we rented snowmobiles, and there's like a course that you go. | ||
| They take you on this run, and they take you all the way up into the mountains. | ||
| There's a whole area they can take you. | ||
| They stop. | ||
| You get hot chocolate. | ||
| You overlook this Trout River. | ||
| It's fucking fantastic. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| Aspen is amazing. | ||
| Joe, I went out to Aspen with a buddy of mine who owned D'Angelo's sub shops. | ||
| Brian McLaughlin, he's a great guy. | ||
| I said, why do you call your sub shops D'Angelo's? | ||
| Would you buy a sub from a guy named McLaughlin? | ||
| I said, well, no, no. | ||
| We fly out in this jet, we stop in Vegas, and we end up at the Glenn Frey Ed Podolak tournament. | ||
| It used to be Glenn Frey. | ||
| From the Eagles? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| How cool is that, right? | ||
| So now we're out there and we check into this Hotel Jerome, right? | ||
| And he says, what do you want to do? | ||
| I said, well, you know what? | ||
| I'd really like to get a mountain bike and come down that ski slope. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know if you can do that. | ||
| Tell you what. | ||
| So he rents three SUVs. | ||
| There's like 12 of us. | ||
| And we rent mountain bikes, you know. | ||
| And he takes us up to the top of like the Continental Divide or some shit. | ||
| And he goes, okay, let's go. | ||
| And there's no guides. | ||
| I had flip-flops on, right? | ||
| No helmets. | ||
| I went down. | ||
| 14,000 feet. | ||
| I'm passing fucking cars. | ||
| And he says, somebody get that fucking moron. | ||
| So the SUVs, Brian wants you to pull over. | ||
| And I go, what the? | ||
| You didn't get fucking killed. | ||
| This is like a 10,000 foot drop on the side. | ||
| And I go, all right, man. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Because it was just so much fucking fun. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| So he ends up getting bumped by one of the guys in the group. | ||
| Real asshole. | ||
| No one liked it anyway. | ||
| Ends up in the fucking hospital. | ||
| So he rides by me. | ||
| He's covered in fucking blood. | ||
| And I go, what happened? | ||
| He goes, I'll be okay, man. | ||
| Just get back to the hotel. | ||
| So now I got to pedal back to the fucking hotel because I'm at the bottom of the knot. | ||
| We got to pedal back to the drum. | ||
| So I said, how's he doing? | ||
| He said, he doesn't want to see you. | ||
| I said, what? | ||
| He said, he doesn't want to see you. | ||
| I said, why? | ||
| He says, he's afraid you'll make him laugh. | ||
| So I went in and I said, Brian, the minute I walked in, he started laughing. | ||
| He goes, get out, take the fucking jet and just go home. | ||
| It hurts me so much to laugh. | ||
| But it was funny you mention the Eagles because the night before, we golf. | ||
| We golf at this. | ||
| I mean, everyone's at Kevin Costner, all these big stars. | ||
| I remember Kevin Costner says, what are we eating? | ||
| And I says, well, if you have what you eat, I'm a cunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| He said, can I use that? | ||
| I said, you can have it, brother. | ||
| And it's like wild game buffet, you know? | ||
| At every hall, they have like animals that, endangered species and shit, you know? | ||
| It's really great. | ||
| And booze and friendly women. | ||
| It was really, really crazy. | ||
| So after the thing, we shower up and we go to this little place, must have held about 250, and the show is the Eagles. | ||
| The fucking entire band. | ||
| 250 people and the Eagles. | ||
| And we're walking in and they go, hey Brian, how you doing? | ||
| And Brian's going, hey, I go, Brian, that's the fucking Eagles. | ||
| He goes, yeah, I left in my yard one week. | ||
| They never fucking forgot about it. | ||
| Everybody's with them, so we met the fucking Eagles. | ||
| Oh yeah, it was crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, how wild is that? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Well, Aspen's famous for that kind of partying, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that's why they used to have that Aspen Comedy Festival up there. | ||
| It was like an excuse. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I did that one, yeah. | ||
| It was an excuse for people to ski and party. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Aspen's cool. | ||
| I mean, I go to Vail every year for cystic fibrosis. | ||
| We do a big tournament up there. | ||
| It's a ski tournament. | ||
| You race and shit. | ||
| And I'm horrible. | ||
| But, you know, people pay big money to see me crash. | ||
| I do it for the kids. | ||
| Yeah, that whole Aspen area, you know, it's beautiful in the winter, but my God, when you go there in the summer and you see what it looks like, you go, now I know why all these rich people live up here. | ||
| Oh, my, yeah. | ||
| It's stunning. | ||
| It was the only time I was ever there where there wasn't snow. | ||
| I think I did the Aspen Company Festival twice and it was all snow. | ||
| And then the year I golfed with Brian in the Climb Tri tournament, it was just beautiful. | ||
| Gorgeous in the summer. | ||
| Gorgeous. | ||
| And hunting. | ||
| A lot of hunting up there. | ||
| A lot of hunting. | ||
| I could see me and you hunting from the chairlift. | ||
| Well, there's more elk in Colorado than I think any other state. | ||
| I think it's got the most elk of any state. | ||
| And you eat almost everything you kill, right? | ||
| Oh, I eat everything I kill. | ||
| Most of what I eat is elk. | ||
| I'm having elk for dinner tonight. | ||
| I marinated it today. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I marinated it and vacuum sealed it. | ||
| It's in the fridge right now. | ||
| I get home, I'll cook it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I cook it a bunch of different ways. | ||
| I eat sausage. | ||
| See, so that's good. | ||
| See, I don't want to be out killing animals just to kill them. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I feel bad. | ||
| I mean, look, I would if they were nuisance animals. | ||
| Like if a coyote was killing my chickens, I'd kill that fucking coyote. | ||
| I'd run them over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I love elk. | ||
| It's the healthiest food you can eat, and I eat it almost every day. | ||
| What's the biggest animal you think you've killed? | ||
| I killed a moose once. | ||
| I'm old. | ||
| Yeah, that was enormous. | ||
| That was about 1,000 pounds. | ||
| I saw one up in Maine. | ||
| They're huge. | ||
| They're unbelievable. | ||
| They're so big, it doesn't even make sense. | ||
| When you see one walk across the road for the first time, the first time I saw it, I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Well, the first time I ever saw a moose in the wild, actually, we pulled over. | ||
| I was hunting with my friend Mike Hawkins in BC, in British Columbia, and we pulled over to the side of the road, and we look out at this field, and it was just cows. | ||
| It wasn't even bulls, and they were walking across the field. | ||
| It was like Jurassic Park. | ||
| I couldn't believe how big they were. | ||
| I was like, look at those fucking things. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, Jesus Christ, they're so big. | ||
| And when they're angry. | ||
| Oh my God, you're fucked. | ||
| Very, very dangerous. | ||
| Well, Mike got chased by one. | ||
| He was riding on a horse, and a fucking cow moose started chasing him. | ||
| And he said he barely got away. | ||
| That fast? | ||
| Oh my God, so fast. | ||
| They're so big! | ||
| Yeah, they're huge. | ||
| Their legs are so long. | ||
| And they look gangly and shit, but when they're in motion... | ||
| Well, they look gangly so that they can walk through swamps, and they spend a lot of time. | ||
| Like, my buddy John Dudley is actually in British Columbia right now hunting moose. | ||
| He actually shot one yesterday. | ||
| If you go to KnockOnTV on Instagram, he shot a moose yesterday, and his buddy shot one a couple of days ago that is one of the biggest moose I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| But it's all swamps. | ||
| So these things are in the swamp, so those long legs aid them because they can walk through that swamp water. | ||
| You know, I mean, they're literally like where their body starts, the bottom of their body starts, it might be five and a half feet off the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's how big they are. | ||
| And then the rest of them, and then the head and the fucking antlers, everything is enormous. | ||
| They're huge. | ||
| You mentioned you were shooting pheasant with Baudin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never met him. | ||
| I always wanted to meet him. | ||
| I love his shows. | ||
| He was awesome. | ||
| Now, you obviously ate the pheasant when you got it, right? | ||
| I didn't get one, but he got one. | ||
| I clipped one. | ||
| I missed it. | ||
| I just knocked a feather loose. | ||
| I went down to my wife's house in Virginia early on, and I met her dad. | ||
| Her dad was a big bird hunter. | ||
| I said, well, you never ate pheasant? | ||
| You never ate pheasant? | ||
| And he went to the closet, pulled out a shotgun, right? | ||
| Went out, I hear, bam, bam! | ||
| We're eating pheasant tonight. | ||
| He had killed the pheasant in his backyard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| There was lots of pheasants in Middleburg, Virginia. | ||
| It's like horse country. | ||
| And the first time I ever ate pheasant, it was unbelievable. | ||
| They're very, very good. | ||
| Now, it's funny you mentioned Bourdain. | ||
| Is there anybody, you know, because you're in a great position now, Joe. | ||
| Is there anyone that you'd like to meet that you haven't met yet? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of scientists. | ||
| Like Dawkins. | ||
| I'm going to meet Richard Dawkins soon. | ||
| He's going to do the podcast. | ||
| I'm very excited to meet him. | ||
| But no, I mean, you know. | ||
| And that's funny you said it because I agree. | ||
| Scientists should be our rock stars. | ||
| They should be our superheroes. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I mean, these people can change the course of life for not just one, but for many. | ||
| Well, it's also important, too, for a dummy like me to have someone like that explain. | ||
| Like, I have this guy, Sean Carroll, was just here a couple days ago, and he was trying to explain to me quantum physics and quantum mechanics. | ||
| It's like, I've read that book, I've listened to that book on tape, I listened to him talk, and I might have got, like, 1% of what he was trying to convey, because it's really complicated shit. | ||
| Yeah, no dummy brother. | ||
| But I'm so happy that guys like him are out there that at least try to explain it to people like us. | ||
| I tell you, you know, you have all that gym equipment, and I thought about this, and you could do me a favor. | ||
| I bought a Gravitron. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| Well, I didn't buy it. | ||
| I was given a Gravitron. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's a Gravitron? | |
| What is that? | ||
| Now, you know how you have the dip and pull-up assist machine? | ||
| You can put the different weights on it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, like those, what are those things called? | ||
| Is that a Gravitron? | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Yeah, that's the new one. | ||
| But mine was the original Gravitron. | ||
| It was the thing with like a computer sensor and a propulsion. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| I remember those. | ||
| And every time you saw one, you'd get on it. | ||
| You were just awake. | ||
| It's like a little red light. | ||
| Yes, yes, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, I'd always wanted one. | ||
| And Steve Schrepper, you know Schrepper? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| He said to me, Lenny, I'm leaving Vegas. | ||
| I'm moving to New York. | ||
| The Sopranos. | ||
| The Sopranos and the Blue Bloods. | ||
| And so he says, you can have it. | ||
| He says, but you've got to move it. | ||
| I said, alright. | ||
| So I call this guy who's a moving company and he goes, Lenny, I'd love to do it for you. | ||
| I said, I'll do it for cost. | ||
| So we moved it from Las Vegas to the Vineyard to Grant. | ||
| What? | ||
| Two grand, right? | ||
| So now, I get Kenny and a bunch of other guys, and we drive down to my house, and we try to get it upstairs. | ||
| I'm going to put it in my living room. | ||
| My wife is, you're not having that in the house. | ||
| I go, it's the only thing I ever want. | ||
| The only toy I ever want. | ||
| I love this thing. | ||
| She goes, no, it's not. | ||
| So we couldn't get it up into the house. | ||
| It's so huge, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's huge. | |
| 12 feet tall, you know, and five of us, we got in the wall. | ||
| I mean, it was unbelievable. | ||
| And she goes, that's it, get in the wall. | ||
| So, now I got no place to put it because my goal is to build a garage and have my own gym. | ||
| That's all, you know, and a pool. | ||
| I need a pool too, but, you know, you got to have goals. | ||
| So, I put it in this garage we have down at the, you know, at the Plantation, whatever it is. | ||
| The estate, right? | ||
| And this asshole neighbor. | ||
| You have any asshole neighbors? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, because you're too far away, right? | ||
| I'm lucky. | ||
| I got nice neighbors. | ||
| Well, most of my neighbors, this guy sucks. | ||
| I hate this guy. | ||
| Oh, Joe, I hate this guy. | ||
| Bad boy. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| I loved his parents. | ||
| His parents were the nicest people, but I think he wanted them dead. | ||
| Did he inherit the money? | ||
| Yeah, he inherited everything. | ||
| And his mother, father, sweetest. | ||
| I used to have them all for dinner. | ||
| I loved his parents. | ||
| This is a sick fuck. | ||
| Anyway, he tells my wife, we're going to move everything out of that garage so we can clean it. | ||
| It's been clean in 30 years. | ||
| Why is he going to move things out of your garage? | ||
| Because he beat up a couple of old elderly women and had them move their boats so he could move his new brand new tractor in there. | ||
| Imagine this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is what happened to me. | ||
| So the favor's coming. | ||
| So anyway, you don't have to kill anyone. | ||
| I said, don't move it. | ||
| I'll be back. | ||
| I was on the road. | ||
| I said, I'll be back Monday. | ||
| But they moved it anyway. | ||
| And when they moved it, the brain part of it, Came out. | ||
| And they lost it. | ||
| They lost it. | ||
| They lost it. | ||
| I bet he threw it away. | ||
| I bet he threw it away. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| So he gets a dick like that. | ||
| And now everyone in the whole association hates him. | ||
| People that don't even know him hate him. | ||
| And I'm building the hate. | ||
| So the guy... | ||
| I said, hey man. | ||
| He goes, Lenny, do we have a problem? | ||
| I go, yeah, we got a problem. | ||
| I go, I moved that thing across countries. | ||
| A friend of mine gave that to me. | ||
| That was going to be the centerpiece of my home gym. | ||
| And you fucked it up. | ||
| He goes, well, you know, I'm sorry these things happen. | ||
| These things happen. | ||
| These things happen. | ||
| So now I have a 12 foot tall, basically, you know, Sculpture. | ||
| Sculpture, yeah. | ||
| And I got to protect that so it doesn't ride out. | ||
| He didn't even offer to pay for it? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| And if he did, if he offered to pay, I would have been okay. | ||
| And even if he didn't, but he didn't even offer. | ||
| He was like a real dick about it. | ||
| So there's a guy who invented it. | ||
| Lanny Potts is his name. | ||
| And I went on, I had little millennials and everybody trying to find this guy. | ||
| Because I'll pay the guy. | ||
| To fix it. | ||
| Yeah, I think the guy would want me to have it. | ||
| He's the guy who invented the Stairmaster. | ||
| And from the Stairmaster, the Gravitron. | ||
| Pull up a picture of that thing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Gravitron. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just making sure it was the right thing. | |
| Yeah, oh, it is. | ||
| What do you think I'm making this stuff? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He just makes sure the image he's pulling up is the right one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| But the Gravitron is a propulsion assist. | ||
| This guy could tell us. | ||
| Yeah, it gives you a little assist. | ||
| So instead of pulling up 200 pounds, you're doing a chin-up, it gives you like 100 pounds. | ||
| Yeah, but then every day you work down and down. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There it is. | |
| There it is. | ||
| Now that's the new model. | ||
| How the fuck did they lose the brain of that? | ||
| Yeah, and the brain was at the bottom. | ||
| The original one, there it is! | ||
| That's it! | ||
| Oh, no, over there. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Well, yeah, that one, the big picture. | ||
| That's it! | ||
| The big picture with the guy doing the chin-up? | ||
| No, that right there. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| So this guy, Lanny Potts, and two other guys. | ||
| And you can see where that... | ||
| You stand in that, and there's the buttons you push right in the middle. | ||
| And the red bars. | ||
| You've got 20 million listeners. | ||
| Maybe one of you guys is friends with Lanny Potts. | ||
| I'll pay you. | ||
| I just want to get this thing up. | ||
| You want to get it fixed. | ||
| And then I want to get jacked. | ||
| I want to be the biggest man, walk the planet, and go up to that guy's house naked and go, look what you've made me do! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't believe he lost the brain of it. | ||
| Oh, it broke my heart. | ||
| I mean, I haven't even told Sripp yet. | ||
| Hey, how's that thing go? | ||
| Sripp was so nice. | ||
| Sripp will go to the guy's house and fuck him up. | ||
| When Chiripa used to run the Riviera, he scared the fuck out of me a couple times the way he dealt with hecklers. | ||
| He saw some guy take a cigarette and throw it on the ground and step on it in the showroom and he fucking screamed at that guy and got in his face. | ||
| But it was like a you're gonna die scream. | ||
| Tripp is old school Vegas. | ||
| Legitimately. | ||
| People don't know. | ||
| They think he's an actor. | ||
| He got into acting I think because of Drew Carey. | ||
| I gave him one of his first acting spots on Sunday Comics. | ||
| I was in an electric chair and he was the guy Locking me in. | ||
| And he never forgot that. | ||
| He said, man, you gave me a break. | ||
| And he always bring me up. | ||
| I fucking love that guy. | ||
| I love Steve. | ||
| I worked for him in like 97. Back in 97. That was like the first time I ever worked for him. | ||
| But he was then, that was when Drew Carey had the Drew Carey show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And Drew Carey had got him a part on the Drew Carey show. | ||
| And he was like, hey, I do it for the fucking, for a goof. | ||
| Every now and then I'll do a little fucking acting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he wasn't being like a real actor. | ||
| And then all of a sudden I see him on the fucking Sopranos. | ||
| I was like, holy shit! | ||
| You're on the greatest show in the history of the universe! | ||
| And he was really good! | ||
| But it substantiated my feelings about acting. | ||
| It's just pretending. | ||
| It's not that hard. | ||
| I mean, there's acting like... | ||
| Did you see The Joker yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I saw it the other night, Jamie. | ||
| You were right. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Joaquin Phoenix is a fucking master. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's a masterpiece. | ||
| I love the money to Jeremy Cash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why are you wearing black gold? | ||
| Maybe I am. | ||
| I mean, it's a fucked up, sick movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's what they were trying to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's the greatest fucked up, sick movie I think I've ever seen. | ||
| I mean, you might not be into it if you're not into those kind of movies. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure I'll be. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| I enjoy... | ||
| Anything that's done well. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I mean, even if it's not my cup of tea, I'll go and I'll watch it and I'll try to figure out what the message you were trying to get at point. | ||
| And maybe I can connect with your vision. | ||
| I'll give you that. | ||
| And if it sucks, I'll just come, yeah, it's not for me. | ||
| It's a masterpiece. | ||
| It's a masterpiece. | ||
| I mean, Todd Phillips nailed it and Joaquin Phoenix. | ||
| And Todd Phillips is a master of comedy. | ||
| Yes, that's crazy. | ||
| And he does this. | ||
| And it's one of the darkest movies. | ||
| There's not a funny fucking moment in that movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not a happy moment in that movie, but it's a masterpiece. | ||
| But the point is, that kind of acting, what Joaquin Phoenix does in that movie, what Daniel Day-Lewis does in his movies, that's a different kind of acting. | ||
| That's on another level. | ||
| But regular acting? | ||
| Like, look at what Steve did. | ||
| They gave him a fat suit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They put a fat suit on him, and he played Bobby on The Sopranos, and he fucking nailed it. | ||
| He knocked it out of the park. | ||
| You would think that that guy had been acting his whole life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You really would. | ||
| He wasn't. | ||
| When you were doing Fear Factor, you would do a lot of those things that you had. | ||
| The stunts? | ||
| No. | ||
| You wouldn't? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| They wouldn't let me do any of them. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| But you wanted to, right? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Especially the car ones. | ||
| I did a couple of stuff. | ||
| When I was doing Meet Wally Sparks with Rodney Dangerfield, he said to me, okay, in this scene, you're sword fighting, coming down these marble stairs, and you're going to get stabbed, and you're going to roll down. | ||
| I go, Whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Hold on, Kimosabi. | ||
| Listen, I'm shooting a network TV show during the day. | ||
| I'm here at night for you because I love you. | ||
| I go, I can't get hurt. | ||
| And I was really fat at the time, like 370. I go, I'll get hurt. | ||
| And he goes, well, what do you want me to do? | ||
| I go, we'll get a stuntman. | ||
| He goes, oh, kid, you're going to make me pay for a stuntman. | ||
| I go, Rodney, yeah. | ||
| I go, I said, please, please. | ||
| So the stuntman comes in. | ||
| Stuntman comes in, right? | ||
| And he goes, oh, Mr. Clark, thanks for the job. | ||
| I look at the guy and I go, This is what I look like, you know, and he looked kind of like my size. | ||
| So the guy gets an action and I cut and then they put him in my spot. | ||
| And then he gets stabbed with the sword, goes tumbling down the marble, bust his arm up, bleeding from his ear. | ||
| And they go, what do you think? | ||
| I think he can do one better than that. | ||
| It was, I would have got screwed. | ||
| Then we do a car scene. | ||
| They say, alright, in this scene, Lenny, you break Rodney out of the house. | ||
| You get in the car, and you drive as fast as you can up the road. | ||
| And you see the lights up there? | ||
| There's a bunch of cameras with sandbags. | ||
| We want you to hit the brakes and slide into the sandbags. | ||
| But don't go any farther than the sandbags. | ||
| Okay, let's go. | ||
| And I turn to Rodney. | ||
| Hey, Rodney, I'm a great driver. | ||
| I said, but I don't know if I can. | ||
| I'd like a test run to see where the brakes are going. | ||
| Oh, kid, come on. | ||
| Just don't fucking kill anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| I had already cost him money for the stunt. | ||
| I drive like a bastard. | ||
| If I could do... | ||
| I drive, and I hit the brakes, and I slide six inches from the sandbag. | ||
| Total luck, but I mean, it was like, I'm thinking, and I'm flying it. | ||
| And he goes, we got it. | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| Ronnie goes, see, I told you. | ||
| You'd be great at this. | ||
| Got lucky. | ||
| But the reason I said, if I could do... | ||
| If you could change anything in your life, would you change anything? | ||
| No. | ||
| Of course, I knew you'd say that. | ||
| Now ask me. | ||
| Would you change anything? | ||
| Everything! | ||
| Every single fucking thing! | ||
| Everything! | ||
| Do you have any regrets? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| My life is full of fucking regrets! | ||
| Someone said to me, well, if you change everything, you might not be where you are. | ||
| And I go, yeah, I'll roll the dice. | ||
| I could be fucking better off! | ||
| You never know! | ||
| Well, I learned from all my mistakes. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| I've hated every fucking one of them. | ||
| I felt terrible every fucking mistake I've ever made, but it's made me a better person. | ||
| I'm still making mistakes, brother. | ||
| Yes, me too. | ||
| I'm still fucking making mistakes. | ||
| I don't want to. | ||
| It's just part of being a person, man. | ||
| Everybody makes mistakes. | ||
| Look, I try to be a good person. | ||
| I always have tried to be a good person. | ||
| And sometimes, the harder you try, the more fucking people misconstrued or misunderstood. | ||
| Oh, for sure, yeah. | ||
| That's what makes me want to do bad things. | ||
| To people? | ||
| Yeah, like your neighbor. | ||
| The guy who lost the brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Or the Gravitron. | ||
| I mean, I wouldn't encourage you to say his name on the show. | ||
| No, I know that. | ||
| But you know, you see how I feel. | ||
| And I'm a good... | ||
| I had told this guy he could cut down trees to improve his view. | ||
| Stuff like that. | ||
| I was nice. | ||
| His parents loved me. | ||
| His parents said, oh, that Lenny's the nicest guy. | ||
| You won't believe me. | ||
| He's a little crazy, but I used to let him come down and eat the fruit off the trees. | ||
| Everything there was... | ||
| I hope he's listening right now. | ||
| I hope he's getting nervous. | ||
| He's very wealthy and he's very, you know. | ||
| Yeah, but he's born wealthy. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| That's a terrible place to be for a man. | ||
| That's a terrible place to be for a man. | ||
| I mean, if I had a son, I'd fucking kick him out of the house. | ||
| Make him go fend for himself. | ||
| I really would. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| If I did that to my kid, he'd end up blowing sailors at Fleetwood. | ||
| Look what you made me do, Danny! | ||
| Look what you made me do! | ||
|
unidentified
|
But a man that grows up without his own money. | |
| You mentioned a paper route. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many papers did you have for your route? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I had hundreds. | ||
| Hundreds on my route. | ||
| I had three routes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A couple hundred apiece. | ||
| I had the Herald for a while. | ||
| My main staple was the Globe. | ||
| I did the Herald and I did the New York Times for a little bit. | ||
| I did the Herald, Globe, New York Times, and the Cambridge Chronicle. | ||
| No shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And every now and then my father would feel bad for me. | ||
| He goes, you're not going to be able to do it. | ||
| You're better off more than you can chew. | ||
| Get in the car. | ||
| And he'd be whipping him out the window. | ||
| He showed me. | ||
| Because he worked for the Herald as a linotype operator. | ||
| And he was proud of me for working. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| Three, four, what are you nuts? | ||
| Do one paper! | ||
| But you can make real money if you did that. | ||
| That saved me while I was doing stand-up because it gave me money. | ||
| I didn't have to have a regular job. | ||
| I could get up in the morning and I could deliver newspapers from 5 a.m. | ||
| to 7.30 a.m. | ||
| Worst job you ever had? | ||
| Worst job you ever had? | ||
| Construction, for sure. | ||
| Some of those construction gigs were really rough. | ||
| And it depends on the company you work for. | ||
| I work with my buddy Jimmy Lawless, and we built a wheelchair ramp for a Knights of Columbus hall. | ||
| And all fucking summer, I mean, it wasn't even all summer. | ||
| I mean, I think I quit after like three weeks. | ||
| That's about our summer in New England. | ||
| Yeah, carry cement and pressure-treated lumber. | ||
| That's all I did every day. | ||
| Cement and pressure-treated lumber out in the sun. | ||
| And by the time 5 o'clock would roll around or whatever it was when we quit, I didn't have anything left. | ||
| I would just eat and fall asleep. | ||
| And then I'd get up in the morning and do it again. | ||
| But it taught me something. | ||
| If you want to be a laborer for life, this is what life is. | ||
| And this is how fucking tired you're going to be. | ||
| You better figure out what you want to do with your life and get after it. | ||
| Because at the time, I was probably like 18 or 19. I'll never forget how hard it was. | ||
| At 21, I went to the National Laborers Training Center in Hopkington, Mass. | ||
| Where they teach you how to be a laborer. | ||
| Teach you. | ||
| Teach you how to be a laborer. | ||
| And the same thing with cement and the pressure treated lumber that if it got on your skin, it made you all itchy. | ||
| Oh, you get splinters and they'll get infected. | ||
| It's all chemicals and shit. | ||
| And from there I'd leave and I'd go to be a lifeguard. | ||
| And then after lifeguard, I was a janitor in a couple of buildings. | ||
| That's all at one time when my dad got sick and I was taking care of the family. | ||
| But then I was a sewer truck operator, which was a great job, you know. | ||
| They used to have a claw on the back of a big, big giant pickup truck. | ||
| And you'd swing it out, and you'd pick up the top of the sewer, and then you'd put the clam in, and you'd open it up, and you'd pick up. | ||
| And I went to every barroom in Cambridge and said, got a lot of complaints about this thing coming out of your sewer out there. | ||
| And they go, really? | ||
| Yeah, I can take it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Why don't you have a beer? | ||
| All right. | ||
| We'd be shitfaced. | ||
| You don't know how many sidewalks I pulled up. | ||
| Forgetting to close the cliff. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Eddie, send the sidewalk people down. | ||
| You got a cover for me. | ||
| And they would build the sidewalks. | ||
| They need a drink too. | ||
| We'd be shitfaced. | ||
| The Port House Cafe on Mass Ave, oh my god, the shine people. | ||
| What did you do, coloring cones? | ||
| What did you do with the hole until you fixed it? | ||
| Well, we'd get one of those movable shitters, and we'd put that on one side, and then we'd get the cones. | ||
| But the guys would come, and if you had the right crew, they could fix that sidewalk in a couple of hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Just smooth it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Awful. | |
| Well, Massachusetts always has fucked up sidewalks. | ||
| I mean, or fucked up concrete. | ||
| Everywhere you drive, all the asphalt's fucked up in the winter. | ||
| Joe, how about the highways? | ||
| First, we're going to do this mile section in Saugus. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Now we're going out to Springfield. | ||
| Leave that, right? | ||
| How about the big dig? | ||
| How much longer did that take than it was supposed to take? | ||
| That's one of the biggest corruption schemes in all of the history of construction. | ||
| I know. | ||
| The big dig. | ||
| People went to jail. | ||
| The big dig was supposed to cost $1.8 billion and be done in seven years. | ||
| The Big Dig is still not finished, and it costs $28 billion. | ||
| That's $26 billion override. | ||
| That's like going to a dry cleaner and say, how much do you clean my pants? | ||
| $12. | ||
| You go back to the next one, that'll be $3,000. | ||
| $3,000! | ||
| Oh, we ran into some problems. | ||
| Everyone made money. | ||
| When I was living in Malden, they were working on it. | ||
| That was in 1988, and they're still working on it. | ||
| They put up four-ton tiles with Elmer's glue, and they thought it was going to... | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Look, 51 million. | ||
| It was originally 51 million. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's still not done. | ||
| It's still not done. | ||
| How is it not done? | ||
| It says constructed in 1991 to 2007. Joe, believe me. | ||
| I drive there all the time. | ||
| There's parts that still aren't open. | ||
| It took them 15 years to open up the tunnel to the airport. | ||
| It says on December 31st, it's official, Boston's big dig will be done, the Washington Post, in 2007. Okay. | ||
| But they're just still fixing it. | ||
| All right, Joe, here's this one. | ||
| The centerpiece of the big day is the Zakem Bridge. | ||
| Was named after a guy named Lenny Zakem. | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, nice guy, community organizer, philanthropist, wonderful person, Jew. | ||
| And the people in Charlestown said, he's a Jew? | ||
| We'll blow that bridge up! | ||
| So, I swear to God, right? | ||
| Lenny Zakem, nice guy. | ||
| And I'm a friend of the Jews. | ||
| I married a Jew. | ||
| I was in the tribe. | ||
| I know your secrets. | ||
| Don't fuck with me. | ||
| I'll expose you. | ||
| I'm not like Eli Omar. | ||
| Kill the Jews. | ||
| I love the Jews. | ||
| Very good sex. | ||
| Now what happens, they had eight people from Cambridge who were against the Lenny Zagin Bridge being there because it cast a shadow on the Charles River preventing the fish from being in the river to go out to the ocean and spawn. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| First of all, anything in that river should not be allowed to recreate or spawn. | ||
| But secondly, a shadow is stopping a fish? | ||
| What the fuck do you think fish do at night? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who said that it was doing that? | |
| Was there a real biologist for saying this? | ||
| No, it was just some ape ugly woman in Cambridge. | ||
| We hate everything! | ||
| We're at Birkenstocks, we're killing the fish. | ||
| It's a dirty brown river. | ||
| You can walk across it on a good day. | ||
| Has it gotten any better? | ||
| You know, Joe, I've got to tell you, it really has. | ||
| It has gotten better. | ||
| But you can still see sewage when people are rowing. | ||
| Yeah, it's bad. | ||
| Well, I used to live in Newton. | ||
| I used to live in Newton Upper Falls across the street from a section of the river, and we used to see carp in it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then one day I was out there walking around and I saw some bubbling in the water and I watched a condom bubble up to the surface. | ||
| And I realized it was a sewer pipe that was broken. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was leaking raw sewage right into the fucking river. | ||
| That's where it goes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you know... | ||
| In Fenway Park, when you were a kid, the groundskeeper was Joe Mooney. | ||
| And Joe Mooney was famous because nobody, but nobody, stepped on that grass. | ||
| No one. | ||
| Even Yockey, get up! | ||
| He was like a crazed man. | ||
| And since then, my friend David Miller, he's one of my dearest friends because I wanted to learn all about grass because I smoked it and smoking is easier than growing it and growing it. | ||
| But he, when he took over, when the sewers were back up in Boston They would flood Fenway Park. | ||
| And when the water receded, there'd be actually fish flapping in the infield. | ||
| And we have pictures of it. | ||
| You can pull that shit up. | ||
| Where did they come from? | ||
| From the source, from the river, from the Charles River. | ||
| And they'd back up, and whatever's in those source would come out. | ||
| But through what port? | ||
| Like, how did they get into the grass area? | ||
| Oh, the water would rise from where the water would drain out of the ballpark. | ||
| It would come back in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And fish would... | |
| And fish... | ||
| There's pictures of fish flapping on the field at Fenway Park. | ||
| I don't know how you... | ||
| Yeah, you can Google that up there. | ||
| Tiki-tiki, you millennials. | ||
| If anybody can find it. | ||
| I'm sure we can. | ||
| Well, David Miller... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got anything? | |
| David Miller has written like eight books online. | ||
| And I went there. | ||
| John Henry invited me to come up and sit with him on my birthday one night at Fenway Park. | ||
| This is years ago, about 10, 12 years ago. | ||
| And he said to me, he says, Lenny, you want to go sit in my seats? | ||
| I said, yeah. | ||
| So when he bought Fenway, he extended the seats out two more rows. | ||
| So he has TVs. | ||
| I mean, it's right next to the ball. | ||
| So I'm sitting there with him. | ||
| He goes, if you could meet anybody in the ballpark, in the organization, who would you like to meet? | ||
| I went, the groundskeeper. | ||
| He goes, what? | ||
| You don't want to meet Manny or Big Papi? | ||
| No, I want to meet the groundskeeper. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I said, you just had Jimmy Buffett out here for two nights in a row. | ||
| There's not a blade out of grass. | ||
| Look at that beautiful glass, beautiful lawn in the wall. | ||
| He gets on the phone. | ||
| David, would you come down? | ||
| So you got Mr. Clark. | ||
| I go, oh, you know him. | ||
| Man, I've been dying to meet you! | ||
| So, we go to his office. | ||
| Yeah, I leave John Henry. | ||
| I go to the groundkeepers. | ||
| Yeah, right, right. | ||
| So, then I invite him and his wife and kids down to my place, and they come down to the vineyard. | ||
| Three weeks later, they send me Lenny Clark Fenway Park grass seed. | ||
| My lawn looked like Fenway Park. | ||
| It was the most amazing lawn. | ||
| It's like shit now, but... | ||
| What kind of seed is it? | ||
| Magic seed. | ||
| It's magic. | ||
| Jack and the Beanstalk. | ||
| Beanstalk seed. | ||
| They were going to carve Lenny in my... | ||
| I said no. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| When I bought it, When I bought this property, it was all overrun. | ||
| And one day, I was out smoking a joint, and I was picking up paper, you know, because I'm a land baron, you know. | ||
| And I go, holy shit, what's wrong? | ||
| There's a stone wall back in my house. | ||
| It's surrounded by stone walls that you couldn't even see because the thickets and the brush was all overgrown. | ||
| The next day, she must have had like eight trucks in there, and I have stone walls surrounding my entire house. | ||
| And you just didn't know? | ||
| Didn't know. | ||
| You couldn't even see him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| And then I added to my lawn. | ||
| You know, I had like maybe half an acre of lawn. | ||
| I got like three acres of lawn. | ||
| That's a lot of lawn. | ||
| That's a lot of lawn. | ||
| Too much work. | ||
| Too much work. | ||
| Who mows all that shit? | ||
| Bazillions. | ||
| Bazillions. | ||
| Daddy's not good with the lawnmower. | ||
| I'm not good. | ||
| They don't let me use power tools. | ||
| Even though I'm sober, no power tools for Lenny. | ||
| Fish make good fertilizer. | ||
| So if they did die, you got something? | ||
| It's not a good reference photo, but this is a photo of a fish on a field. | ||
| There's a story to go with. | ||
| Joe, you at least... you at least... | ||
| and then flood the concourse If it really, really, really rains hard, the first base camera pit will fill up with water and the fish from the Charles River, a mile away, will swim through the city drain pipes and swim into the camera pit and then swim out onto the field. | ||
| I said, wow, Mr. Mooney, that's wild, thinking he was pulling my leg. | ||
| my wife, you won't believe the stories that Mr. Mooney tells. | ||
| Fast forward to April, Friday night before the Red Sox home opener on Monday. | ||
| The overnight forecast was for two to three inches of rain, so we put the tarp on the infield. | ||
| When the rain stopped early Saturday morning, we would receive almost three inches of rain. | ||
| I walked behind the home plate towards the Red Sox dugout to check the conditions of the warning track, and I couldn't believe my eyes when I looked and I saw a fish laying on the grass. | ||
| I looked around for Joe thinking he had put a great prank on me, pulled a great prank on me, but I didn't see him anywhere. | ||
| I walked over to the camera pit, and sure enough, it was full of water. | ||
| I turned around and looked towards the infield. | ||
| I saw seven more fish between the camera pit and second base. | ||
| In my rush to get the tarp off, now sunny skies, and get ready for my first Red Sox opener, I unfortunately threw all the fish away. | ||
| I have wished since then I could have saved the fish and had them displayed for my office, my home, and for Joe, but at least I made time to take this photo. | ||
| And since then, I've had it hanging on my office wall. | ||
| Joe, one of my favorite words is vindication! | ||
| That's vindication. | ||
| That answered every question that you asked me, which I couldn't eloquently put. | ||
| Joe, that's why you laugh when people say, he makes this shit up. | ||
| How can I make this shit up? | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| It makes sense, though. | ||
| It's so close to the Charles River. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| It's like a mile away, right? | ||
| Oh, unbelievable. | ||
| Fenway Park is about a mile away from the river. | ||
| I'd say you're absolutely right. | ||
| Yeah, because it comes around down by the old Sears Robux, too. | ||
| There's a part of it that goes through there, too. | ||
| Amazing, right? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Covered a lot of shit. | ||
| Should we end there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Might as well. | ||
| Vindication. | ||
| End your vindication. | ||
| Vindication's always good. | ||
| You're the best, man. | ||
| Joe, I love you, brother. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| You keep me? | ||
| Always a pleasure. | ||
| Oh, it's my pleasure. | ||
| Let's do this again. | ||
| Anytime you're in town, please. | ||
| Maybe we'll get my machine. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Maybe I'll look as good as you. | ||
| Get that fucking Gravitron back. | ||
| That shit! | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Oh, that was... |
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