Oct. 3, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:39:40
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| That's it. | ||
| We're moving. | ||
| We're doing it. | ||
| We're in motion. | ||
| Nikki Glaser, a.k.a. | ||
| Marshall's new best friend. | ||
| Oh, that's so nice to hear. | ||
| Yeah, you're definitely his new best friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| For sure. | ||
| Didn't you see? | ||
| But I feel like he likes everyone. | ||
| He does like everyone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But he likes you. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| For sure he likes you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He jumped all over you. | ||
| It was so awesome. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I needed it so bad. | ||
| He is a rare dog. | ||
| He is. | ||
| It's weird, right? | ||
| Instantly. | ||
| I told you when he came in, I hadn't even seen you yet, and he just saw me, and it's like our eyes met across the room, and he just bounded towards me. | ||
| It felt so good. | ||
| He runs to you like you're his best friend. | ||
| Yeah, like he's like, I'm seeing you again, yes! | ||
| And forever. | ||
| Like I just got back from war, and he's my child. | ||
| Licking my face, just so excited. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Yeah, he starts whimpering. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| I can't believe you're here. | ||
| And he lets you just hug him. | ||
| Yeah, I've never had a golden before. | ||
| Golden Retriever. | ||
| They're like the nicest dogs of all time. | ||
| I've only had mutts that we've collected from the Humane Society that are abused and damaged. | ||
| You can get lucky with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You can get lucky. | ||
| And it feels so good when you were talking about your dog didn't want you to touch it for a year. | ||
| That was my daughter. | ||
| My oldest daughter had this little tiny dog. | ||
| It was part chihuahua and part Australian herd dog, shepherd dog. | ||
| I forget what it is. | ||
| But it was very much like a chihuahua, a very small dog. | ||
| And he was terrified of me for like a year. | ||
| Wouldn't let me come anywhere near him. | ||
| I'm like, come on, dude. | ||
| I'm telling you, I love dogs. | ||
| And it really wasn't until we got Marshall, and then he saw me with a little tiny puppy. | ||
| He's like, oh, this dude is all right. | ||
| And then he wanted to play with Marshall, so he got close to me, and then I pet his head, and then next thing you know, he's hopping in my lap. | ||
| And then, you know, after that, he would just run to me and literally jump in my arms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's super rewarding to see that change and see when a dog finally accepts love and has just been abused. | ||
| It's... | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's sad, though. | ||
| When you're like, what happened to you? | ||
| Like, why are you scared of men? | ||
| I would kill to know what happened to my rescue dogs that I gave to my parents. | ||
| But I had them for two years. | ||
| I've had quite a few dogs in my life that were rescue dogs. | ||
| And one was one of the best ones I ever had. | ||
| A friend of a friend found it eating out of garbage cans and she was covered in mange. | ||
| Like half her body was like hairless. | ||
| It was really sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But she was a really sweet dog. | ||
| It was tough to tell how old she was. | ||
| She looked like she was like two or three. | ||
| Yeah, they don't know. | ||
| And I took her in and like within like a month, she had all her hair back. | ||
| She was fully plumped up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And that was the nicest dog. | ||
| She was one of the nicest dogs I've ever had. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My dog that I got bit me on the first day and drew blood, and I was just like, I'm getting rid of this thing. | ||
| This isn't going to last. | ||
| I was just fostering it. | ||
| And then it switched. | ||
| At some point, it loved me, and I learned how to love through that dog. | ||
| Why did it bite you? | ||
| I just like went in too soon and it just was abused before. | ||
| It came with this whole backstory of like, the rescue people told me it was found in an alley behind a pizza hut and it was living off pizza and a kid tried. | ||
| They had this whole story. | ||
| I think a lot of rescue places make up stories. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| More inclined to buy, to get these things, because they come with this story. | ||
| Because I checked later on to be like, which Pizza Hut was it? | ||
| Because I wanted to bring Luigi, my dog, back to the Pizza Hut it came from, just to see if it remembered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if it gets PTSD? I kind of wanted it to. | |
| I wanted it to see. | ||
| And she goes, I think that was just a story we made. | ||
| And I was like, oh, come on. | ||
| How can they make up stories? | ||
| That's so dirty. | ||
| Because it moves dogs, man. | ||
| Yeah, they gotta move dogs. | ||
| Whatever they can do to move those dogs. | ||
| Give him names. | ||
| Give him a story. | ||
| He slept on a pizza crust as a pillow. | ||
| You know, like just any kind of thing that makes them... | ||
| Did you know that PETA kills thousands of dogs? | ||
| That's what I've heard. | ||
| Anytime I post anything about PETA, I have a bunch of people saying they're the worst. | ||
| Well, they're not the worst, but what they are is the origins of PETA is the Animal Liberation Organization. | ||
| The origins of PETA, the people that originally founded PETA, believe that all animals, including pets, should be free. | ||
| They don't believe in domesticated animals. | ||
| Okay, well, that's... | ||
| It's preposterous. | ||
| Look at that dog out there. | ||
| He's having a great old time. | ||
| Being a pet is the best. | ||
| I've actually said if I could be reincarnated, it would be a rich person's golden retriever. | ||
| I've said that. | ||
| I didn't realize your dog is what I want to come back as. | ||
| It's the best life. | ||
| The best life. | ||
| That dog is only known love. | ||
| What stress happens in that dog's life? | ||
| Occasionally he can't go out. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like if I'm injured or something like that and he can't run for like weeks at a time, he gets bummed out. | ||
| But PETA kills animals because they think that their policy is that you're more free to be dead than you are. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't want to put words in their mouth. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| They definitely kill animals. | ||
| But they kill them quick. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| They're not out there trying to find owners for them. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, that's the knock on them. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The Animal Liberation Organization. | ||
| I mean, they've, like, broken into, like, they're the type of people that, like, break into fucking supermarkets and release the lobsters back to the ocean. | ||
| Be free, be free, my lobster friend. | ||
| I'm into it, Joe. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| I'm into it. | ||
| I'm a total vegan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know you are. | |
| Bleeding heart. | ||
| Yeah, I know you are. | ||
| But those lobsters have always made me so sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| They're bugs. | ||
| Do you swat mosquitoes? | ||
| I rarely kill bugs. | ||
| When mosquitoes are fucking you up, you just let them please divinely eat me, drink of my blood. | ||
| No. | ||
| You are me and I am you. | ||
| And if you give me malaria, then so be it. | ||
| I just... | ||
| Okay, maybe not... | ||
| I'm not crazy. | ||
| Okay, come over to your house. | ||
| Your house is filled with roaches. | ||
| I hand you bug spray. | ||
| Do you use it? | ||
| Yes, because roaches... | ||
| Roaches can fuck off. | ||
| Although, I did have an instance, and this is true, I was in the shower, and I was having... | ||
| I get really vegan, and really, when I'm depressed, I get more vegan than ever. | ||
| It's like what throws me into it. | ||
| I'm just feeling too much, and then I feel for every animal, and it just gets out of control. | ||
| So if I'm ever... | ||
| You know, going off about vegan propaganda on my Instagram. | ||
| Someone should check in on me. | ||
| I'm not doing well. | ||
| I'm in a dark place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll call you. | |
| Yes. | ||
| I'll call you. | ||
| And one day I was in the shower and there was a dying house centipede. | ||
| Like, drowning. | ||
| The grossest bug known to man. | ||
| Like, it's... | ||
| They're half centipede, half spider. | ||
| They're disgusting. | ||
| They've... | ||
| I don't hate anything more than that creature. | ||
| And I was like, you know what? | ||
| I can't kill it. | ||
| I want to save it and just take it outside. | ||
| And I'll, like, tell my vegan friends... | ||
| Like, I'll be, like, such a good vegan today. | ||
| So I got out of the shower and, like... | ||
| You know when you get out of the shower and... | ||
| You think you're just like, you don't need a towel. | ||
| I'm just going to grab something and you like traipse like a lazy river throughout your house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I made a huge mess, get a paper towel, come back and I pick it up and I'm so scared to do it. | ||
| And I'm so proud of myself too. | ||
| I can't wait to fucking tell the vegans. | ||
| And I open it up and I'm so scared because I want to see if it's still alive. | ||
| And it was a clump of pubes. | ||
| It wasn't even. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, so I... Which looks exactly like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whose pubes? | |
| Mine. | ||
| Your pubes are that dark? | ||
| I... Yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is all... | ||
| Bottle. | ||
| It's a bottle? | ||
| A bottle. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, they're not like dark, dark, but centipedes... | ||
| House centipedes are like blonde. | ||
| They're kind of like dirty blonde. | ||
| Do you know that hair bleach is not vegan, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen... | |
| I'm making that up, by the way. | ||
| It's probably not, man. | ||
| I know there's something on my face right now. | ||
| But it seems like when I said that, you were like, oh shit. | ||
| Listen, there's so many things. | ||
| I'm not a perfect vegan and I don't claim to be, but... | ||
| I love the idea of veganism. | ||
| I love the idea of it. | ||
| The idea that you love animals and you don't want to cause harm. | ||
| I love the idea. | ||
| Just the practical application and the health implications. | ||
| That doesn't sit with me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Protein? | ||
| Well, it's not protein. | ||
| There's a lot of different things that you get from animals. | ||
| Omega fatty acids from grass-fed animals, salmon and things like that. | ||
| Choline, which is very difficult to get outside of animal products. | ||
| B12, very difficult to get outside of animal products. | ||
| Okay, my problem with, I don't care if you hunt, I don't care if you are on a farm and the animals are treated well, it's just all about how you treat them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Factory farming. | |
| Factory farming is my big issue. | ||
| 90% of all my meat, I kill myself. | ||
| That's why when people, you know, they often cite you as like, is it cool if Joe eats me? | ||
| I'm like, yes. | ||
| Because he's hunting it all. | ||
| I also, if I shoot two animals, I eat them the whole year. | ||
| I hunt big animals. | ||
| I hunt elk or deer. | ||
| If I eat a deer, I'll eat that for four months. | ||
| For four months, I'll eat that deer. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I'm fine with that. | ||
| And I feed my dog it. | ||
| My dog eats mostly raw elk meat. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why he's so healthy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He gets... | ||
| I mean, dog food is horseshit. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is in there? | ||
| Like, animal dicks and assholes all ground up. | ||
| That dog eats elk. | ||
| He eats mostly elk. | ||
| You can tell. | ||
| He's super healthy. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| But yeah, I mean, that's the problem I have. | ||
| He's also a murderer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The dog's a squirrel murderer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| You get him anywhere near a squirrel and everything changes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His little eyes roll back in his head and they go black. | ||
| And he's caught some. | ||
| Like a shark. | ||
| He has. | ||
| And then he eats that for four months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He lives off that... | |
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He doesn't even eat them. | ||
| Just four. | ||
| Just fucks them up. | ||
| Comes back inside. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He wants you to see. | ||
| He takes pictures. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Him with a squirrel in his mouth. | ||
| You with that dog. | ||
| Let me just say, you have the best... | ||
| Your happiness comes out in your face. | ||
| When you smile, it's not a fake smile. | ||
| Your selfies with that dog after a hike. | ||
| I love them so much. | ||
| You look so happy. | ||
| I am. | ||
| He's my buddy. | ||
| You're so happy. | ||
| You are, right? | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty happy. | ||
| I want to come back as you. | ||
| Reincarnated. | ||
| It's complicated. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's been a long time to get there. | ||
| You don't want to be me. | ||
| People shouldn't want to be you. | ||
| You don't want to be me. | ||
| You're a woman. | ||
| It would be so crazy. | ||
| Seems pretty good. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Seems pretty great to be Joe Rogan. | ||
| I mean, what is the downside of being you? | ||
| I really want to know. | ||
| If someone was interested in becoming you, what are some warnings you'd give them? | ||
| You better work out, bitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Otherwise the demons will catch you. | ||
| They'll catch you. | ||
| But you love working out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love working out for two reasons. | ||
| One, because it makes me feel good. | ||
| And two, because I don't want the demons to catch me. | ||
| What are these demons? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Demons. | |
| Tell me. | ||
| The demons are angry. | ||
| Anger. | ||
| Anger demons. | ||
| Most men have anger demons. | ||
| Because most men have a certain amount of... | ||
| There's a requirement that your body has in terms of the expenditure of energy. | ||
| And if you don't meet that requirement, you get antsy and then you get agitated. | ||
| When you see people flipping people off in traffic and going fucking crazy and road raging, what do you think that is? | ||
| For most people, it's this excess of energy oozing out like an overflowing battery. | ||
| And they don't know what to do with it. | ||
| And if... | ||
| You have any sort of a history of violence or combat sports or contact sports like football or anything athletic that's involving a lot of aggression. | ||
| That's sort of inherently a part of who you are. | ||
| And then where do you put that when you're not doing that anymore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| You've got to exercise that shit out. | ||
| Yeah, you were talking about this the other day with the boys, talking about Sober October, about how when you were last October doing five hours a day on a treadmill or whatever the hell you were doing. | ||
| A lot of hours. | ||
| You couldn't feel anything afterwards? | ||
| There was some kind of residual. | ||
| I didn't even comprehend it because I've never worked out that much. | ||
| We were talking about how nothing bothers you. | ||
| Nothing bothers you. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Because you're so tired? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, because I'm not that... | ||
| That's the crazy thing is you get in really good shape and then you're not that... | ||
| It's not that you're that tired. | ||
| It's just that you're even. | ||
| Like, the way you process things, there's no like, well, who the fuck does this guy think he is? | ||
| There's none of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| There's none of that. | ||
| It's like someone flips you off. | ||
| Oh, look at that guy flipping me off. | ||
| It registers zero. | ||
| It doesn't mean that you don't love things or get passionate about things, but all the internal negative chatter is gone. | ||
| All of it. | ||
| All of the pitfalls and psychological traps that your mind will lay for you if you don't give it a lot of activity, if you don't occupy it. | ||
| I think that's a lot of what people go through in their life with anxiety, with all sorts of different issues. | ||
| I think we have human reward systems that are built in that helped us survive from the fucking caveman days. | ||
| And those are still a part of our DNA. And if those athletic requirements or physical movement requirements aren't met, your body just gets agitated. | ||
| It's just like fucking... | ||
| Just wants to do something. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| And you're just watching TV and then your neighbor's dog is barking like, will you shut that fucking thing up? | ||
| It's just releasing that energy you would have been releasing by gathering nuts or whatever you were doing. | ||
| By doing something physical, anything, fucking hiking, anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's why people are happier and healthier when they use their body. | ||
| It's not as simple as like... | ||
| People look at it like intelligent people, unfortunately, a lot of them, look at it like it's a vanity thing and they don't want to be caught up in a vanity thing so they don't care about their body. | ||
| But it's not that. | ||
| You are your body. | ||
| They're inseparable. | ||
| Your mind is a part of your body. | ||
| Your body is a part of your mind. | ||
| It's all together. | ||
| But what about your thoughts? | ||
| What are your feelings on thoughts? | ||
| What am I feeling something? | ||
| For me, thoughts are what cause all of the anxiety and all of the depression and all of the anger. | ||
| It's not having control of my thoughts. | ||
| It's letting my thoughts control me. | ||
| And as soon as I learned meditation and the idea that my thoughts were not me and that they were these external things that I could choose to either indulge in or bat away, then I was able to really gain a hold over my anxiety and depression that I had not before when I thought my thoughts were just like, oh, I'm thinking this thought. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's me. | ||
| I created it. | ||
| Let me keep going with it. | ||
| Do you feel like... | ||
| Don't you think meditation helps you with your anger also? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| But it's not like anger, like I'm just randomly angry walking around with things. | ||
| I just have my physical requirements. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you want some fake beer? | ||
| It's so... | ||
| I can't... | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I don't drink, and this is absurd to me that I would have a beer. | ||
| It's a fake beer. | ||
| It's zero alcohol. | ||
| But, like, I don't miss the taste of alcohol. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Who misses the... | ||
| No one would drink alcohol if it didn't get you effed up. | ||
| I would drink these. | ||
| They taste good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| This tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone, which is a great taste. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone, 2009, living my best life. | ||
| When was the last time you drank? | ||
| 2011, December 9th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Cleveland, hilarities. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| After the show. | ||
| You're like, I'm done. | ||
| Well, I just had a couple beers to close out the evening. | ||
| I was by myself. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're shooting heroin. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| I was at a point in my life where it was like, this has got to stop because my hangovers were getting so ridiculous and debilitating for a whole day. | ||
| And I was just doing... | ||
| I would black out from two drinks because... | ||
| My mind, John Mulaney has a great joke about it where he says he would black out very quickly after a couple drinks because his mind was like, we know where this is going, shutting down early. | ||
| Like, if you know you're going to black out, your brain just blacks out earlier. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because every time I drank, I would black out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I woke up that next morning, and it wasn't a hard night of drinking a couple beers, but I was just the sickest I've ever been. | ||
| And the thing about hangovers that I really had to look at was the best part about being sick, if you're going to find the best part about being sick, it's that people feel sorry for you. | ||
| You get babied a little bit. | ||
| You get a nurturing from your friends and family that you don't get when you're healthy. | ||
| But when you're hungover, no one gives you that. | ||
| So you're sick, and you don't even get the only good thing about being sick, which is people feeling sorry for you. | ||
| Everyone's like, you piece of shit, you did this to yourself. | ||
| So I was in the shower, in the fetal position, thinking, this is how I should feel if I'm dying. | ||
| I really don't want to feel this bad unless I am on my way out. | ||
| So I'm not doing this anymore. | ||
| And I read a book, and then I was done. | ||
| What was the book? | ||
| The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Alan Carr. | ||
| What's the easy way? | ||
| Easy way is you read this book and then you're done at the end of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| And what he does, well, I used his method to stop smoking. | ||
| The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Alan Carr. | ||
| So many people have read it. | ||
| It's the one book that when you've tried everything else, nothing else works. | ||
| This book, my mom quit smoking after 35 plus years. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So many of my friends. | ||
| I heard about it, I think like Ellen DeGeneres and Ashton Kutcher. | ||
| I heard a bunch of celebrities kind of talking about it. | ||
| I read the book and you can smoke while you read it and then by the end of the book he just promises you he goes go have a cigarette and you're just like no I don't want to and I don't need to. | ||
| His method is, and this is the thing he does with drinking, any excuse you have to do that thing, he talks you out of it. | ||
| He tells you a reason why your excuse is actually bullshit and there's no science behind it. | ||
| He disproves any reason that you have to do it. | ||
| We've been brainwashed by tobacco and alcohol industries to believe that quitting is really hard. | ||
| And quitting alcohol is hard if you have an addiction. | ||
| You can die from it, obviously. | ||
| But with tobacco... | ||
| It's part of their propaganda to tell you that it's hard to quit smoking. | ||
| They're the ones pushing that message, which seems like why would they tell people it's hard? | ||
| But they're doing that because if it's hard, you won't quit. | ||
| So that has been their message to be like, it's so hard to quit smoking. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| When really, it's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not? | |
| No. | ||
| The withdrawal symptoms of not smoking last up to two weeks, I think. | ||
| It's less than that. | ||
| I think it's like seven to eleven days. | ||
| And the discomfort caused by wanting a cigarette is the same discomfort as being a little bit hungry. | ||
| You're a little bit annoyed. | ||
| It's like, it's not insurmountable. | ||
| It's uncomfortable, but it passes after seven to eleven days, I think it is. | ||
| And then it's all, even when you're going through it, it's not that bad. | ||
| But it's... | ||
| It's the psychological effect of thinking it's hard that makes it then hard. | ||
| So once he proves to you it's not that hard, and any excuse you have to smoke, which is like, it calms me down, it raises your blood pressure. | ||
| So that's inaccurate. | ||
| It makes me more social. | ||
| Actually, it isolates you. | ||
| If you really look at it, every time you smoke, you feel kind of bad. | ||
| People think you stink. | ||
| Every excuse you have, and then you did it with drinking, too. | ||
| I went through this book. | ||
| I read it. | ||
| You can drink while you read the book. | ||
| You have to want to quit. | ||
| To pick up the book, you have to want to be like, I want this out of my life. | ||
| I don't know how to get it out of my life. | ||
| And I gave this book to so many of my friends, and my friends don't drink anymore. | ||
| And a lot of them, you know, use program or other things to supplement, but all I needed was this book, and I was done. | ||
| And I'll tell you, I drank every single night of my life, and I never thought I could live without it. | ||
| I was just like anyone listening that's like, no, no, no. | ||
| You don't understand all my friends drink. | ||
| It's my life. | ||
| It's my social life. | ||
| It's my work life. | ||
| It was everything to me. | ||
| It's all I look forward to. | ||
| Yeah, I'll never go like this when a friend enters a bar again. | ||
| I'll never do that. | ||
| I will never greet a friend with, she's here! | ||
| Yes, yes, yes! | ||
| Is that you? | ||
| That was me. | ||
| That's something I miss. | ||
| I'll never have that kind of two-drink enthusiasm anymore, but because I don't drink, I am fucking killing it. | ||
| My life changed. | ||
| I can trace my career as before and after. | ||
| Like, on the dot. | ||
| So, you know, it's not for everyone. | ||
| If you have a problem, you should maybe look into it. | ||
| But that book seriously changed my life. | ||
| That sounds amazing. | ||
| And there was no difficulty in quitting? | ||
| None. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It really was easy. | ||
| Maybe a couple times I felt like, oh, it'd be nice to have a drink. | ||
| I was dating a guy that just wanted to have a glass of wine with me. | ||
| And I'm like, why can't I just have a glass of wine? | ||
| And I've been tempted. | ||
| And I don't think that I would go off the deep end again. | ||
| But... | ||
| But I don't, I just, I go back to that book and I'm just like, I just, any reason I can give myself, it's just really, it isn't true. | ||
| And I'm better without it. | ||
| Well, it's definitely not true if you're drinking it every night and you're blacking out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you just have a cup of glass of wine with dinner, it feels nice. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| It's a social lubricant. | ||
| You have fun with friends. | ||
| You start laughing and joking around. | ||
| But you don't have that ability to stop there. | ||
| Is that... | ||
| I could for a few months and then it would trickle into... | ||
| Chaos. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| The voice you have... | ||
| People are listening and I know you relate to this. | ||
| You go, I'm just going to have two tonight. | ||
| But then that person... | ||
| And you go, promise yourself you're just going to have two. | ||
| But then you get that voice drunk and that voice is like, have another. | ||
| Come on, pussy. | ||
| So you can't... | ||
| You can't plan for how you're going to feel two drinks in because you get drunk and then it just keeps going. | ||
| I miss it, man. | ||
| I have a bit about that, about drunk driving. | ||
| The problem is not whether or not you can drive drunk. | ||
| The problem is even thinking that you can drive drunk because when you're drunk, you don't know what the fuck you can do or can't do. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's why guys get in fights with people way bigger than them when they're drunk. | ||
| And they don't even know how to fight. | ||
| You're stupider when you're drunk. | ||
| You're a fucking moron when you're drunk. | ||
| So the idea that you could drive drunk, like, I'm fine. | ||
| Like, you don't even know if you're fine. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| The problem is you're drunk. | ||
| And that's a big part of the book, is talking to people about this liquid courage that everyone cites. | ||
| I mean, like, I need a drink because I can't go on stage if I don't have a drink. | ||
| I need a drink to talk to the girl. | ||
| And it's not courage. | ||
| What you're doing is you're making yourself more stupid. | ||
| You're actually making yourself more, I don't even know if the word is correct, but more, you're retarding yourself. | ||
| And you're making yourself more mentally disabled. | ||
| Be careful throwing around that R word. | ||
| I know. | ||
| On this show. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| On this show. | ||
| That's a real term, retarding. | ||
| Yeah, it is a real term. | ||
| And even retarded, it has nothing to do with Down syndrome, has nothing to do with diseases, and we've got a problem with that word in this country. | ||
| I'm not going to call a movie the R word, but I can call a mental state the R word. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| What about a movement that's retarding growth? | ||
| Yeah, you can say that. | ||
| It's retarding the masses. | ||
| Retarding but not retarded? | ||
| You won't say retarded. | ||
| Isn't that interesting? | ||
| You get scared. | ||
| I thought it was so strange. | ||
| Like, we can say pussy, cat, but we can't say pussy. | ||
| Imagine if there was, like, a cunt bird. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And, like, you could say cunt bird, and everybody's like, okay, cool. | ||
| I feel like that's what someone's called me before. | ||
| That's a popular insult on my Instagram. | ||
| By the way, that word will get us demonetized from YouTube, according to Jamie. | ||
| Isn't that what you said? | ||
| Did you say what they say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I've heard. | |
| Really? | ||
| What they say about Sober October? | ||
| Someone said the word, and that's the reason. | ||
| C-word? | ||
| They said the word two and a half hours into the podcast, so the entire podcast was demonetized. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We should go back and beep it. | ||
| See if they change it. | ||
| Go back and put a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think I could. | |
| Cunt is such a... | ||
| I love that word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a great word. | |
| I feel empowered by that word. | ||
| If someone calls me a cunt, I'm like... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you know... | ||
| Why? | ||
| For the same reason when people were saying Hillary was a crook, I was like, good. | ||
| A woman's a bad person. | ||
| I don't even care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like that? | |
| Like, I'm just like, yeah, we can do it all. | ||
| If there's women that aren't crooks, if you're going to have a woman president, let's have one that's not a murderer or a crook. | ||
| It'd be cool if the first one was impeccable. | ||
| But I'm just saying, when people were saying that argument, I was like, good, I don't even fucking care. | ||
| I like a strong, just a woman doing things that men normally do. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You know, that's the same kind of argument that people use for Trump. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Well, they say he's an asshole and he's a thief. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| He's a man. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, at least he's not a politician. | ||
| At least he's not a man. | ||
| She's a crook. | ||
| At least she's not a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Women can do it, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's a good point. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's a team. | ||
| Team mentality. | ||
| Okay, I don't like that, then. | ||
| I don't like it either. | ||
| Okay, I take it back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I did have that feeling, like, the word cunt, though, I just don't... | ||
| If someone calls me a cunt, I'm like, wow, I really, like, spoke up then. | ||
| It tells me I'm doing something right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The real problem is words. | ||
| The real problem is people have intent. | ||
| Their intent is the same no matter what noise comes out of their mouth. | ||
| Words are just conveying intent. | ||
| When you make words bannable, outlaw words, you're playing a fool's game. | ||
| That's a fool's game. | ||
| Because all words are supposed to be is tools that convey intent. | ||
| You can't say that that word is exactly the same every time it's used without regard to the context. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Because you could say that to your friend, and you could both be laughing and love each other. | ||
| Like, you could say, you fucking crazy cunt, and she's like, ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you both fall on the ground howling laughing. | |
| No one got hurt at all. | ||
| Or you could say it to your mom and it'll cut deep. | ||
| It'll hurt her deeply. | ||
| And it's awful. | ||
| It's an awful use of the word. | ||
| Because you're just conveying your thoughts and your intent. | ||
| It's not a fucking sound that you make with your mouth that's the problem. | ||
| The problem is the way people treat each other. | ||
| And this stupid game that people play where they outlaw certain words or ban certain words or demonetize YouTube videos for certain words. | ||
| That is a fool's game. | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
| You're a child. | ||
| You're playing a child's game, and history will not be kind to you. | ||
| You will be looked at as a fucking buffoon. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| Well, buffoon will probably be a word in five years that you will get in trouble for using right now. | ||
| I'm just thinking, what words now are we using that are going to get us canceled in five years? | ||
| People of color. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You think people of color is going to be? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's the mode de jour, though. | ||
| How is that okay when you can't say colored? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Total nonsense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People of color. | |
| You call someone colored, they'll beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| But if you say people of color, they'll go, okay, cool. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you, baby? | |
| What are we doing here? | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's foolish. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| We're all people of color. | ||
| Like, what color are we? | ||
| You know, I'm darker than you, and you're probably darker than Bill Burr. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Are you worried? | ||
| Ever? | ||
| I mean, you can't get canceled. | ||
| I'm my own boss. | ||
| That helps a lot. | ||
| And I'm nice. | ||
| I'm a genuinely nice person. | ||
| I'm nice. | ||
| I'm always nice. | ||
| I'm nice to everybody. | ||
| Even if you don't disagree with me, I'll talk to you. | ||
| I work hard on being nice. | ||
| It means a lot to me. | ||
| It means a lot for me to have good experiences with people. | ||
| You are nice, and I think people are extremely intimidated by you, as was I, but in the end, really, really nice. | ||
| What do you mean you have to work hard on it? | ||
| I work hard on being nice. | ||
| Was there a time that you weren't nice in your life? | ||
| Yeah, when I was young. | ||
| I was very mean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that was because I was competing in martial arts all the time. | ||
| I was involved in violent things. | ||
| But you should have been, like you said before, that should have been getting it out of your system and then you would have been placid on the road. | ||
| No, I was competing. | ||
| It was before I was doing comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was competing all the time. | ||
| And also, I was too young to understand what was important and what wasn't important. | ||
| So my eyes were entirely on success at all costs. | ||
| I just wanted to dominate. | ||
| I just wanted to figure out a way to win, always. | ||
| And so I was just mean. | ||
| I would enjoy hurting people. | ||
| And that's what I was doing. | ||
| When I was knocking people out, I would enjoy it. | ||
| I'd like it. | ||
| Because they were trying to do it to me. | ||
| What about comedy? | ||
| Haven't you approached it the same way? | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't care about... | ||
| I mean, you've achieved everything that one could achieve doing comedy. | ||
| What does that have to do with being mean? | ||
| No, I mean like you got off on being the best. | ||
| You needed to compete. | ||
| No, I just try to do my best at comedy. | ||
| I just try to do my best. | ||
| Yeah, you're not looking... | ||
| I'm not trying to be... | ||
| First of all, I think that awards or rankings or anything like that when it comes to art is ridiculous. | ||
| Like, this is the Emmy Award winning movie. | ||
| This is the Oscar Award winning this. | ||
| This is the fucking Grammy Award winning song. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| What you're doing is, this is a business, and the business is getting people to see who's number one. | ||
| And so all these advertisers pay to watch the show, or to promote on the show, and people watch it. | ||
| I wonder who's going to win best album of the year. | ||
| Like, it gets crazy. | ||
| There's a million great albums. | ||
| Every year, how many thousands of albums are out? | ||
| And how many people subjectively look at those albums and say, God, this one really moved me, this one spoke to me in a dark time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This one really picked me up at the gym. | ||
| I fucking love this one. | ||
| It reminds me of my husband or my wife. | ||
| The idea that one is better than the other, it's so subjective. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Lizzo's album came out in 2016 and everyone slept on it until this year. | ||
| So you're absolutely right. | ||
| I didn't even know who she was until I saw her dancing around on some award show. | ||
| And I'm like, that lady... | ||
| The one where she busted out the flute out of her vagina? | ||
| That lady is lit. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| She's lit. | ||
| I didn't want to like it. | ||
| She's crazy. | ||
| Fucking so much power. | ||
| So much power. | ||
| Yeah, she's got so much energy. | ||
| Sexy. | ||
| I was just turned on by the whole thing. | ||
| I really... | ||
| Did you? | ||
| You got turned on? | ||
| I just get... | ||
| Like if she grabbed you by the back of your hair and just stuffed you in there, you'd be all good? | ||
| Stuffed me down in her vagina? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| I mean, like... | ||
| Lizzo? | ||
| I would go down on Lizzo. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| And I've never gone down on a girl, although it is kind of on my bucket list. | ||
| It's on your bucket list? | ||
| I want to be able to say I've done it. | ||
| It's not something I crave, but I'm going to do it at some point in my life. | ||
| Good luck, ladies. | ||
| Whoever you are. | ||
| I have my eye on a couple. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hope they know. | ||
| Do they know? | ||
| Yeah, it's weird because I like... | ||
| Do you not have a male gaze, do you? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| You have your eye on them. | ||
| If a guy has his eye on a girl, it can be creepy if the girl's not into it. | ||
| Like, oh Jesus, here comes this guy. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| Like, oh, here comes Nikki trying to eat my pussy again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| I test the waters and I'm like, have you ever done anything with a girl? | ||
| Because I've never even done anything with a girl. | ||
| So, I mean, I made out with my girlfriends in high school, but that was before I even kissed a boy and I just wanted to kiss... | ||
| You just want to try it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But since then, never fooled around with a girl. | ||
| But there's some that I'm just like, I can't help that I'm attracted. | ||
| I don't consider myself... | ||
| Gay, but I'm on the spectrum somewhere. | ||
| I'm on that. | ||
| I could do it. | ||
| You're open-minded. | ||
| Recently, I've been like, yeah, I need to eat some puss. | ||
| Because I've never done it, and I expect men to do it to me. | ||
| I think I should understand what it's like and be able to empathize. | ||
| And... | ||
| No guy thinks that is straight about sucking cock. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Like, hmm, maybe I should suck a couple dicks so I can empathize. | ||
| Just because you can see what that's like. | ||
| Just lick your own finger if you get some cum on it, just to experience it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What else is on your bucket list? | |
| I think that's it. | ||
| And I really hope that I get this accomplished before I'm dying in 88 or something and my grandkids have to find a nurse to squat over my fucking bed. | ||
| One thing. | ||
| Or like you're old and rich and successful and some lady does not want you to eat her pussy but she does want a Gucci bag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll definitely be able to buy that bitch a Gucci bag. | |
| My face will look like one at that point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Bucket list. | ||
| Do you have any bucket list things? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You've already done them all? | ||
| Yeah, I don't have anything. | ||
| Everything I'm doing, I like to keep doing. | ||
| I would like to be in a... | ||
| I would like to be in love and loved back as much as I love. | ||
| I would like to be in a loving relationship. | ||
| At some point. | ||
| It doesn't have to last forever. | ||
| But I know that sounds like... | ||
| Oh, it sounds good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I don't think it's... | ||
| It might not happen and I'm okay with that. | ||
| Why wouldn't it happen? | ||
| You're a nice person. | ||
| Because I could die young. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Alright, you could. | ||
| I could totally die young. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We could all get hit in the head by a meteor. | ||
| Right now, something could happen. | ||
| An earthquake. | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| And then I would die without having a... | ||
| Pussy. | ||
| Pussy in my mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or... | |
| Anything else? | ||
| Love in my heart. | ||
| Love in your... | ||
| And, um... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think you could ever be in a relationship with a woman? | |
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I really want a relationship with a man first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She takes you around with a dog collar on your neck. | ||
| I mean, I don't want to be a sex slave. | ||
| Only in the bedroom do I want to be one out and about. | ||
| Not a sex slave. | ||
| But in the bedroom, yeah, I'm down to be a fucking slave. | ||
| This woman wrote me recently because she knows that I'm into bondage and stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that on your Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I dig it. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| It truly is. | ||
| I mean, I like it because it is forced laziness, like I say in my joke. | ||
| You can't do anything to a guy. | ||
| And by the way, it's not that I don't like doing things to men, it's just that I feel like I'm not good at a lot of those things. | ||
| I have bad rhythm. | ||
| So like jerking guys off or like sucking dick, I just, I'd rather you do it to me. | ||
| Sucking dick makes sense. | ||
| It's really hard for a guy to suck his own dick. | ||
| But jerking off, I used to have a joke about it. | ||
| Like, having a girl jerk you off is like trying to brush your teeth with your left hand. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| No matter what, it's like you can't do it right. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You ever try to brush your teeth? | ||
| My right hand knows where every tooth is. | ||
| Wait, that's so true. | ||
| My right hand just fucking goes... | ||
| Yeah, it knows. | ||
| My left hand, I cannot... | ||
| I gotta move my head to keep up with my brush. | ||
| Yes, that's why I like when guys grab my head and just... | ||
| Oh, just force it in there. | ||
| Take... | ||
| Take the wheel. | ||
| Take the wheel. | ||
| I don't know what you want. | ||
| But I'm getting better at it. | ||
| But I'm trying. | ||
| I've had to give some blowjobs just out of, like, I need to practice. | ||
| When a girl can jerk you off, if a girl jerks you off and she's really good at it, you're like, Jesus, how many guys you jerked off? | ||
| God, we can't win, can we? | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| No. | ||
| I love that you... | ||
| I thought you were going to go, no, you can win. | ||
| You just go, no, you can't. | ||
| That felt really good. | ||
| Thank you for acknowledging it. | ||
| No, hand jobs, I just... | ||
| Well, I feel like fingering, too. | ||
| Girls probably are way better at fingering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Get in there. | ||
| I love being fingered. | ||
| God, it's the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I love it. | ||
| The difference between girls and guys, girls have smaller hands. | ||
| I would imagine thick fingers. | ||
| Like a mason. | ||
| Like a guy who has a bricklayer. | ||
| Get him up there. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Get him up there? | ||
| Get him all up there. | ||
| I don't mind it. | ||
| I just like it because it just... | ||
| I've never enjoyed masturbation with my own hand because I feel like it's like tickling myself. | ||
| Like, this does not make me laugh. | ||
| But if anyone did that to me, I'd be like, ah! | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It just... | ||
| I can predict my own... | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Movement. | ||
| So I don't... | ||
| What about toys? | ||
| I do use toys, but I talk about one of my specials particularly that's amazing that sucks your clit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, your special's out right now on Netflix. | |
| Right now. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Banging. | ||
| Banging? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a good name. | ||
| Yeah, thank you. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Thanks a lot. | ||
| And I appreciate that. | ||
| I worked really hard on it. | ||
| I wanted to call it Fucking Men because it's about, like, fucking men, but it's also, like, about fucking men. | ||
| But Netflix was like, no, we want children to watch. | ||
| They want children? | ||
| I mean, they were just like, it's gonna make it so, like... | ||
| Children, not children, but it might be more censored to different demographics of our audience. | ||
| And I'm like, well, the people that couldn't handle that title shouldn't be watching it anyway. | ||
| But whatever. | ||
| I'm glad. | ||
| Bangin' works. | ||
| And also, I'm going on tour. | ||
| I just want to say I'm going on tour January for my first theater tour. | ||
| The Bangin' Out tour. | ||
| And tickets are on sale now. | ||
| And I really want people to go. | ||
| Because it's going to be all new material. | ||
| Anyway, very excited. | ||
| When did you film? | ||
| I filmed in May. | ||
| In May? | ||
| Oh, that's a good amount of time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I filmed another special, a 20-minute special for The Degenerates on Netflix that comes out in December. | ||
| Damn, look at you. | ||
| An hour and a 20-minute one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whoa, you're crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got a lot of material, man. | ||
| People go, you have so much material. | ||
| It's like, if I didn't, there'd be something wrong. | ||
| I perform every night. | ||
| I would be so bored if I wasn't cranking it out. | ||
| That's the key, right? | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I don't sit down and write. | ||
| It makes it so much more exciting. | ||
| Last time I was here, we went over all your notes. | ||
| I think about you all the time because I'm like, I need to organize my jokes better and go over them. | ||
| And I just can't do it. | ||
| But I'm going to try. | ||
| I'm going to start. | ||
| Why couldn't you? | ||
| I mean, I could. | ||
| There's nothing that can stop you. | ||
| I could. | ||
| May I? No. | ||
| But you know it would help, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think it would help or no? | ||
| But I'm killing it as is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo, look at you! | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Why fix something that ain't broke? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I could be better, and that's the thing. | ||
| No one will ever know how good I could be if I actually tried as hard as I can. | ||
| Because I don't try as hard as I can. | ||
| People go, Nikki, you work so hard. | ||
| And I'm like, you don't understand... | ||
| How much I'm not working. | ||
| I don't write down any joke. | ||
| It's all a one word in my notes. | ||
| I don't listen to old sets. | ||
| The only reason I record sets, I record every set, it's so that if I die, tragically, that my parents can use my recordings and make money from my lost tapes. | ||
| Truly, I gave my parents my cell phone password. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| So that they can get in there and get them. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| And make some money off me. | ||
| You know who I hear is a fucking crazy hard worker? | ||
| It's Michelle Wolf. | ||
| Oh, dear God, yes. | ||
| I heard she writes two hours every day. | ||
| I can't even be around her because she's always talking about jokes and it makes me insecure about not writing enough jokes. | ||
| But you're hilarious. | ||
| And she's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like I said, yes. | |
| You do it your way, she does it her way. | ||
| Our methods both work, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all about how much time and focus you put on stand-up, and there's probably a point of no return, or diminishing returns, where you can put too much work into it, and then it feels flat and stale. | ||
| Yes, or overwriting. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| There were a couple jokes I did on the Degenerates taping that were brand new, and I just did them not because I needed to, but because I was like, these are more exciting to me than my old stuff. | ||
| Let me just do it. | ||
| And then the next weekend, I go on the road, and the joke becomes even better. | ||
| I add more tags or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| But then, a week after that, I'm like, it's even better, I've added more, and it's not better. | ||
| The first version of it was always the best, and I'm glad I put that down, because sometimes it gets too convoluted, and you get away from the... | ||
| I'm glad I got some of that stuff out there, because sometimes the first time you say it is... | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Most of the time, for me, it gets better. | ||
| Most of the time, for me, I get better versions of it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The only time that changes is when something is really current. | ||
| Like, something happens that day, and I go on stage about it that day. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the first time you say something is usually, like... | ||
| You have the most energy for it. | ||
| Maybe the second, because you know it already killed once, and then the second is usually the best. | ||
| Yeah, but for me, the process always is getting the bit tighter and better. | ||
| It always gets better. | ||
| It's very rare that I have a bit, and it's really good in the beginning, and then after a few months, it flattens out. | ||
| Usually, just the tags get better. | ||
| I tighten it up. | ||
| Especially when you're doing a lot of sets, you get a sense of how it works, how it doesn't work. | ||
| As long as you're still feeling the feelings that you felt when you wrote it. | ||
| Because that's when it can... | ||
| If you can be doing it a really long time and then you're like, I'm just not even this person where this came from anymore. | ||
| But Bill Cosby, I remember him on that comedian documentary saying that he writes a joke and he adds one word and then as soon as it gets not funny he takes that word out and goes back to... | ||
| But he was also raping everyone for many years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hard to say what he was really thinking when he was saying that. | |
| Can't take him at his word. | ||
| We were just talking about this, that some woman who's an attorney was saying that he may very well be the biggest serial raper in history. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I mean, I don't know why I was excited about that. | ||
| I know, but it's goddamn crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a crazy thing to think. | |
| And you know, couldn't some of those women possibly have died from ODing? | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| I mean, it's not like he did a test on them to find out what health situations they have. | ||
| What heart conditions they might have. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, who knows what he's... | ||
| People have adverse reactions to medication all the time. | ||
| And back then, who knows what was in that stuff. | ||
| Some women reported waking up being... | ||
| They didn't know how many days had passed. | ||
| They were dehydrated and disordered. | ||
| I mean, they woke up... | ||
| Near death. | ||
| So I'm guessing maybe it was... | ||
| I wish she would tell the truth. | ||
| He won't. | ||
| He's not capable of it. | ||
| He never will, but I wish he would tell the truth. | ||
| Like, I would love if, like, someone—I mean, he's so old now, it's going to be really hard, because I'm sure he thinks about his legacy, and he's full of shit. | ||
| But I would love it if he could just say, like, what was going through his head when he would drug them? | ||
| Like, did he think they were beneath him? | ||
| Like, what was it? | ||
| He had to have. | ||
| He had to have. | ||
| I think it's a celebrity thing, because he always exhibited the weirdest parts of the celebrity situation. | ||
| Like, he felt above people and privileged. | ||
| I'll never forget, he was interviewing, Wanda Sykes interviewed him at some awards show, and he chastised her for the way she was talking to him. | ||
| And he was wearing sunglasses inside, and he just had this arrogance about him. | ||
| Like, here's Wanda Sykes, who's this hilarious comedian, and she's great. | ||
| He should have been excited to talk to her, but instead he had this feeling that he was like this royalty, and he didn't appreciate her language or use of language. | ||
| He'd raped like 150 women. | ||
| Like, what in the fuck? | ||
| But that sort of, I'm above everyone. | ||
| You know, I worked at a casino and they told me that he would eat dinner And he wanted the entire staff in his dressing room to watch him eat. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the lady was really freaked out by it. | ||
| She goes, he would have the entire crew, like everyone, door people, everyone, stand there while he ate curry. | ||
| He would eat his food. | ||
| And then at night... | ||
| That was actually more entertaining than the act he was taking around at that time, because I fell asleep seeing him one time, which was ironic. | ||
| He came to my college and I fell asleep. | ||
| This is why you were in school, though? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you were probably hungover. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably, actually, to be honest. | |
| He would have to watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gross. | |
| He also had the security guard tuck him in. | ||
| He said he wanted the security guard to tuck him into bed and then shut the door and turn the lights out. | ||
| I mean, you must see this, though, when people... | ||
| I've never seen that. | ||
| That seems, like, super extreme. | ||
| How do you stay grounded and not think you're better than other people? | ||
| It's pretty easy. | ||
| First of all, I do jujitsu. | ||
| I get my ass kicked. | ||
| I do a lot of difficult things that I'm not good at. | ||
| I think that's very important. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do a lot of difficult things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But also, I just don't have that attitude. | ||
| I've never thought that I was... | ||
| I'm good at certain things, but it's all because of time and effort. | ||
| Which is one of the reasons why it's really important to do things that you're not good at. | ||
| Do difficult things. | ||
| Because it reignites that part of your brain where you're learning things. | ||
| Instead of just tightening up what you already know, I remember when you first started doing stand-up, and you were so awkward at it. | ||
| I remember I was terrible, and I was clunky in every set. | ||
| This could be an emotional fucking train wreck for me. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| And I was so nervous. | ||
| Now, I did a set Tuesday night at the comedy store. | ||
| I go there. | ||
| All my friends are there. | ||
| We're all laughing and joking. | ||
| I can't wait to get up there. | ||
| I got the material already. | ||
| Everybody's there to see me. | ||
| Like, hey, everybody, what's up? | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| So I do difficult stuff. | ||
| A lot of difficult things. | ||
| That's why sometimes I get violently high before I go on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| As a new challenge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because I'll be up there like, what the fuck are you saying? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Violently high? | |
| Like, you know, to the point where it's like, I shouldn't be doing stand-up. | ||
| But it gives me a new challenge because stand-up doesn't even raise my heart rate anymore. | ||
| But don't you think that getting really high when you go on stage opens up some weird thoughts sometimes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And those come in, they become new bits. | ||
| Yes, all the time. | ||
| Well, a lot of people that don't drink... | ||
| We'll listen to you go, wait a minute, wait a minute, you're not sober? | ||
| So you get high? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Oh, you just substituted one addiction for another. | ||
| And I'll tell you, yes I did. | ||
| Yes I did. | ||
| Because I can't, I gotta have something. | ||
| I was totally sober for several years and it felt great and I had the stamp of approval from the sober community and I don't say I'm sober, I just say I don't drink. | ||
| I'm very like... | ||
| Those words are important to me because people feel so betrayed when they're like, but you smoke weed? | ||
| I do it because it makes me happy. | ||
| And it doesn't seem to... | ||
| I quit drinking because it was affecting my career. | ||
| My career is my most important thing in my life and my relationships. | ||
| But weed has not negatively infected those to the point that I need to quit. | ||
| As soon as it does, I'll be done. | ||
| And I'll read The Easy Way to Stop Smoking Pot by a guy who's now dead. | ||
| So that book doesn't exist, but... | ||
| Well, I think that pot is a different thing. | ||
| And for me, I like it because it makes me more sensitive. | ||
| It makes me nicer. | ||
| It makes me more friendly. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I have more of a sense of community. | ||
| I want to hug people. | ||
| And I'm very thoughtful when I'm high. | ||
| You can call it paranoia, but I'm thoughtful. | ||
| I'm thinking. | ||
| I don't want people to be upset. | ||
| I want everybody to get along well. | ||
| I want to compliment people. | ||
| I want people to feel good. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| But for this whole month, I'm not doing anything. | ||
| This is Sober October. | ||
| So me and Ari and Bert and Tom, we have this thing we do every October. | ||
| And you're reading a book? | ||
| It's on right now. | ||
| Yeah, we read 500 pages. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| What are you reading? | ||
| Bert can't read. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bert sitting down with a book is so hilarious to me. | |
| I don't believe it. | ||
| See, it's on the honor system, so I think he's probably going to throw an audiobook on and just lie. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| No, I heard you guys talking about that. | ||
| No audiobooks. | ||
| Because you can space out. | ||
| It's like listening to a podcast. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He's got eyes to page. | ||
| Right, and then I want a book report. | ||
| I haven't even started. | ||
| I haven't started any book. | ||
| I'm listening to a bunch of books on tape, which is most of the way I consume books. | ||
| Can I recommend a book to you? | ||
| Please. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Get ready. | ||
| I'm ready. | ||
| It's called Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| And it's about how orgasms are ruining us and our relationships and our happiness. | ||
| And it talks about I'm all for this right now, and it's a wild concept, and I've only read three chapters of this book, so I don't have all the information. | ||
| But what I do know is that orgasms are this rush of blood, whatever. | ||
| Your limbic system is all fired up when you have an orgasm. | ||
| And everything we do in our lives to have stability and... | ||
| You know, kind of lower anxiety and fight depression is about balancing that and not spiking it ever. | ||
| So orgasms are throwing us off constantly. | ||
| And we're not supposed to be having this many of them. | ||
| Men... | ||
| Men should... | ||
| Here's the thing though about men and orgasms is that they want to run right after they come. | ||
| It's in your DNA to get the fuck out of there. | ||
| Because as a caveman, you can't make something pregnant twice. | ||
| So once you came onto the next teepee to fuck the girl's cousin that you just... | ||
| Like, it wasn't about... | ||
| You weren't going to stay and cuddle. | ||
| So that's why men want to fucking run. | ||
| Let me tell you something as a man. | ||
| That's not really true. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's only true if you don't actually like the person. | ||
| If you only attracted them and horny. | ||
| If you're only attracted to them and horny, but you don't like them as a person, yeah, once you come, you're like, oh my god, I gotta get out of here. | ||
| But if you like them as a person, once you come, you're like, that was great. | ||
| Then you just want to hang out. | ||
| Trust me, I am actually a man. | ||
| I do trust you, but I also think that you would want to hang out even more if you didn't come. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Here's my thing, though. | ||
| I've had a lot of instances. | ||
| This book spoke to me because I cannot trace what happens between a guy liking me and slow fading me than to an orgasm. | ||
| You're an intense person. | ||
| You're very smart. | ||
| You're also very ambitious. | ||
| And without any derogatory intent saying this at all, you're a lot of work. | ||
| But it doesn't mean you're bad. | ||
| It just means you're a powerful person. | ||
| You got a lot going on. | ||
| You're intense. | ||
| You're thinking all the time. | ||
| You're questioning things. | ||
| You question yourself. | ||
| You question this and that. | ||
| You're a lot of work. | ||
| And some guys just can't fucking deal. | ||
| And maybe the right guy can. | ||
| You've got to find the right guy. | ||
| This is my theory on human beings. | ||
| No one is for everybody. | ||
| There's not one person out there that's the perfect fit for everybody. | ||
| But if you find someone who has the right slots for your hands, like it fits in like this, then you're good. | ||
| But if it lands like this, where they have two things, like they have big tits and they like to fuck, but afterwards they're annoying and they talk too much. | ||
| It's not going to work. | ||
| It's not going to work. | ||
| But the problem is men are horny all the time. | ||
| They're attracted to women. | ||
| And then sometimes that horniness and that attractiveness, you get confused and think you actually like the person. | ||
| And it seems like you're a liar. | ||
| But you're not a liar. | ||
| At the time, before you come, you're being earnest. | ||
| But then once you spooge, you're like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| This is just yappy. | ||
| Yappy, yap, yap, yap. | ||
| Nonsense talk. | ||
| I gotta get the fuck away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I feel. | ||
| Right, but it's you're meeting the wrong people. | ||
| Some people would be perfect with the way you talk about stuff. | ||
| I'm so fun and funny. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I'm like, what changed between me, us hanging out, you liked me, and then I sucked your dick, and now you don't watch my Instagram stories anymore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Okay, you can't ask someone to watch your Instagram stories. | ||
| No, I'm not actually asking that. | ||
| But it's like, that's an indication if someone likes you. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because, I mean, it just means that they're checking... | ||
| I don't watch any of my friends. | ||
| The people I love dearly. | ||
| I don't watch any of their fucking Instagram stories. | ||
| No, because you're not dating on Instagram. | ||
| But even if I was? | ||
| You would. | ||
| No, I wouldn't. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I wouldn't. | ||
| Maybe you're too busy, but here's my... | ||
| But if you like, that's how you show you like someone now in Instagram. | ||
| No, you call them up. | ||
| Okay, I would love- You call people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You hang out with them. | ||
| You're nice to them when you see them. | ||
| I don't want to watch you fucking eat cake on Instagram and watch your fucking boomerangs with a fork full of cake. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| I'm so not interested in that. | ||
| I'm busy. | ||
| I got shit to do. | ||
| And time is super valuable for me. | ||
| I'm not watching anybody's fucking Instagram stories. | ||
| No one. | ||
| I watch them. | ||
| If I watch it, it's an accident. | ||
| That's how I know when someone likes me. | ||
| If a guy's face keeps popping up underneath my story and I'm like, oh my god, he's watching my stuff constantly. | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| I didn't even know that someone can tell that someone's watched your Instagram stories. | ||
| Yeah, so you can flip up on them and see who's watching. | ||
| And I'll speak to your point. | ||
| While they're watching or have watched them. | ||
| Have watched them. | ||
| And now, if... | ||
| A lot of times, a guy will be too busy, or I'll be too busy, but I need to let this guy know that I like him. | ||
| So I'll just flip through him very quick. | ||
| I won't even watch him, but I want my face to pop up so he knows I'm interested. | ||
| It's just a way to be like, hey, I'm into you. | ||
| And it's just a way to indicate... | ||
| It's happened to me with a couple guys that I've really liked that they're interested and then after we hook up, no more. | ||
| And it's not because I wasn't good at what I was doing. | ||
| I really don't think it's that. | ||
| Why do you have an idea of what it was without asking? | ||
| Well, I have asked and a lot of times or one time they've said and then I think it's actually tells me no a couple times actually I I get they're too vulnerable with me and then I've seen too much in terms of like they've let me in in a way emotionally that they've never let a woman in before and then they're like I remind them of the fact that they might have cried with me or something and then they don't want to be around anymore. | ||
| That sounds like what I would say if I'm trying to get rid of somebody. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think that's true. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, if you really love someone and you really love being around them, what do you care if you're vulnerable around them? | ||
| If you do care about that, you're some kind of a pussy that doesn't deserve to be in a relationship anyway. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That could be it. | ||
| And they could... | ||
| Why is pussy a bad word? | ||
| Let's talk about that. | ||
| Pussy? | ||
| Yeah, someone saying you're a pussy. | ||
| Like, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Everybody that's straight, males, love pussy. | ||
| Love pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| A lot of girls love pussy. | ||
| They love their own pussy. | ||
| When someone calls someone a pussy, I'm not thinking about a vagina, though. | ||
| That's why it's so screwy. | ||
| It's a screwy word. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like we were talking about earlier, like, with the use of words. | ||
| And cunt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But pussy's a weird one. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Pussies aren't scared of you. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think cat. | ||
| I think pussy cat. | ||
| It came from pussy cat. | ||
| Yeah, but cats are just smart. | ||
| They're like, get the fuck away from me. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| Yeah, they're not scared as much as they're wise. | ||
| If they were your size, you would be fucked. | ||
| Fucking freaked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucked. | |
| I'm scared of cats. | ||
| The reason why cats are scared is because they're little and you're big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If they were your son, they would fuck you up. | ||
| That's what I always say about- Like this idea that it's a scaredy cat. | ||
| Check a cat out with a squirrel. | ||
| Watch what the fuck happens. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| Cats are scary. | ||
| They're murderers. | ||
| Do you know how many fucking animals domestic cats kill in this country every year? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Billions. | ||
| Birds. | ||
| Billions. | ||
| Really billions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a crazy number. | ||
| They're ruthless little animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| I love cats. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I mean, I've never had them, but... | ||
| I got a sweet little buddy named Prince Oliver. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's a ragdoll cat. | ||
| You just pick him up and he just goes limp, starts purring. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| And does Marshall get along? | ||
| Yeah, he's fine. | ||
| Marshall gets along with everybody. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Everybody except squirrels. | ||
| Squirrels. | ||
| Squirrels are his enemy. | ||
| Squirrels. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And my daughter has a rabbit that he tried to kill once. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Rabbit got away, though. | ||
| Luckily. | ||
| Good. | ||
| But now that rabbit's freaked out. | ||
| Well, he had to be taught, like, hey, fuckface, you can't kill a rabbit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And he's like, okay, I didn't know. | ||
| I thought it was just a rabbit rabbit. | ||
| I didn't know it was a friendly rabbit. | ||
| I'm going to see some birds after this. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| I'm going to go to a bird shop. | ||
| Just a parrot shop my friend knows about. | ||
| I was like, I need some... | ||
| That's why I'm so glad Marshall came in today. | ||
| I was like, I needed some... | ||
| Animal love. | ||
| Animal love. | ||
| It's so therapeutic. | ||
| You forget. | ||
| You can hang out with him after the show. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| I just want to snuggle with him. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Do you have any dogs or cats or anything? | ||
| I had two dogs that I gave to my parents because I moved to New York City and moved to a tiny apartment, four-floor walk-up, and I just started wishing that they weren't alive, which is crazy. | ||
| Because you take them out every day. | ||
| Yeah, I was just resenting them and finding myself being a little less kind to them. | ||
| Not abusive ever, but just not as, like, I love you. | ||
| It's just like every time I'd see them, I'd be like, ugh, yeah, I'm here to walk you. | ||
| Like, I was just a bitch around them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And my life was unmanageable with them, and I was paying so much money for dog walkers, I wasn't even seeing them, people coming in and out of my house, and then they were barking when I was gone. | ||
| They just didn't have good lives, so I gave them to my parents and my sister. | ||
| I'm going to see them this weekend. | ||
| But I loved them so much, and I wish I had a job that... | ||
| Could have dogs in it. | ||
| I can't wait to not be on the road so much or have a family. | ||
| Do you like working in New York? | ||
| Do you like living and working in New York? | ||
| I do, yeah. | ||
| Do you like doing those sets, running around, doing short sets all over the place? | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom. | ||
| But I do that here, too, when I'm here. | ||
| Laugh Factory, Improv, Commie Store. | ||
| So, I want to be here and there. | ||
| I haven't decided yet, but I'm back and forth all the time. | ||
| Once you're here, you could get a yard. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's when I had dogs and I was happy. | ||
| Talk to Whitney. | ||
| She's got a gang of dogs. | ||
| I know. | ||
| She's got like a giraffe. | ||
| A couple of horses. | ||
| She's got horses. | ||
| She's got a bunch of shit. | ||
| So many animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want Whitney's life. | ||
| Whitney was the one that told me about that fucking no orgasm book. | ||
| Whitney saved my life, not saved my life, but is changing my life with a book. | ||
| Because I ran into her one time backstage and I was like, bitch, how did you get engaged? | ||
| Why are you so happy? | ||
| I've known you forever. | ||
| I've watched you from afar. | ||
| And even though you were always just... | ||
| Whitney and I met, I moved to town in 2006 and I found her on MySpace. | ||
| She had some clip up and I watched her. | ||
| I was like, she's funny as hell. | ||
| And I reached out and was like, let's be friends. | ||
| We used to do the open mic circuit together. | ||
| And then we kind of went our separate ways. | ||
| And I watched her from afar and she was always like kind of struggling with men in the same way I was. | ||
| Then all of a sudden she's engaged and happy and saving horses and I asked her one night recently, I was like, what did you do? | ||
| And she was like, I read a book. | ||
| And it wasn't that book. | ||
| It was this other book called Getting To I Do. | ||
| It's such a humiliating title. | ||
| But it just teaches you as a woman to like stop trying to run shit because we're so empowered as women now to be like, I can have anything I want. | ||
| I want that. | ||
| I'm going to get it. | ||
| And relationships don't work that way. | ||
| They sometimes do if you're a more masculine kind of woman, which doesn't mean that you're going for a feminine guy. | ||
| Yes, it does. | ||
| Well, I mean, it means you're going for a guy who is comfortable in the receiving role. | ||
| But most women want to have a guy chase them. | ||
| But us empowered women are running around like, hey, ask me out. | ||
| Let's go out. | ||
| And it's like, men don't fucking want that. | ||
| They like to chase. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, some men do. | |
| Yes, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Those are the feminine men. | ||
| But not even feminine men. | ||
| Feminine's the wrong word. | ||
| Some masculine men like strong women. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what I'm looking for. | ||
| I realize that I definitely... | ||
| I can't put... | ||
| Anyway, this book just talks about how, pick a lane. | ||
| Feminine, masculine, figure out what you are and stick with it and don't try to be both in a relationship. | ||
| And it's changed a lot of my friends' lives and mine. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, just by being like, okay, I'm not gonna chase these guys anymore. | ||
| If a guy's not reaching out to me, he doesn't like me, wait for him to reach out to me. | ||
| It's pretty much the whole concept of like, he's just not that into you kind of stuff. | ||
| But it's just... | ||
| Reminding women that men need to chase us in order to feel like men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Don't take the power away from them. | ||
| They're turned on by that. | ||
| They want to earn our love and our bodies. | ||
| They want to earn it. | ||
| Don't just give it to them. | ||
| It sounds like such a generalization. | ||
| It is, but it's based in a lot of science. | ||
| The book Getting To I Do, I really... | ||
| Yeah, this doctor wrote this book, and the title is fucking terrible. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| How could you add science in regards to emotional connections and relationships? | ||
| Where's their science? | ||
| I forget, but... | ||
| I'm just going to be honest with you. | ||
| There's evolutionary biology that establishes certain roles and there's a reason for certain roles and why people pursue certain things. | ||
| And there's studies that have done that. | ||
| The problem is these generalizations. | ||
| If a girl's really hot and she's chasing a guy, guys are into it. | ||
| Maybe at first. | ||
| But then they end up resenting it. | ||
| Oh, I don't believe that. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm a man. | ||
| But I'm a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta trust me. | |
| You gotta trust what I've... | ||
| I'm a hot lady that's gone after some guys that don't deserve me. | ||
| I don't know if that's what it is. | ||
| I don't know if that's what it is. | ||
| I think you're intense. | ||
| And I think that's what scares guys off. | ||
| I think that's what it is. | ||
| But it's not that you would scare every guy off. | ||
| You just scare these guys that can't handle intensity. | ||
| Some people can't take spicy food. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That makes me feel better. | ||
| It's all about compatible personalities. | ||
| It's all about it. | ||
| I'm also deeply afraid of any kind of intimacy. | ||
| Because I have... | ||
| I mean, if you were really breaking it down, I have low self-esteem, which I'm working on. | ||
| But you don't sound like you have low self-esteem. | ||
| You call yourself empowered and hot and you say all these good things about yourself. | ||
| You're out there killing it. | ||
| I'm not as hot as I want to be or would kill to be. | ||
| Literally kill. | ||
| I would murder someone to be hotter. | ||
| How many people? | ||
| A couple. | ||
| If I could get away with it. | ||
| Okay, if you could look like Beyonce, how many people would you murder? | ||
| Do I have to do it by hand and do I get away with it? | ||
| No, with a knife. | ||
| You have to do it with a knife. | ||
| If it's like Bill Cosby, yeah, easy. | ||
| I could murder him. | ||
| Yeah, I could. | ||
| Yeah, but I would, if I could like the box where you press a button and five people die. | ||
| If this would be like an episode of Black Mirror, if there was just a room, you go into a room and Bill Cosby's sitting there with his fucking cataracts. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I give you this. | ||
| This knife. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And I said, listen, we can make this happen, but I need you to do something for me. | ||
| I need you to go in there and take care of this monster. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You think you could stab Bill Cosby? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And he literally is probably the only person that I could do that to. | ||
| What about Harvey Weinstein? | ||
| I mean, yeah, he's disgusting. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| Give me the Vanity Fair about him. | ||
| Let me freshly read all the accusations. | ||
| With Bill Cosby, I just feel like there's been so many stories and I've really sunk my teeth into all of it. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| But if you let me talk to a couple victims and hear what he did, I mean, I could do it to so many people. | ||
| I'm trying to think of a terrible person. | ||
| But I don't like violence and that does freak me. | ||
| I'd rather just strangle him. | ||
| Have his eyes pop out even more. | ||
| Do you think strangling him is less violent than stabbing him? | ||
| I just don't like blood. | ||
| Even stepping on a cockroach, you have to hear a crunch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if you had to kill him with a sledgehammer? | |
| That's blood, too, and that's like blunt force. | ||
| Yeah, I could probably do it. | ||
| Could you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| I just want... | ||
| I don't want to be alone on this. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| Bill Cosby? | ||
| What if you rape one of my daughters? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Easy to kill them. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| I'd probably... | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to say what I'd do. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| I'd do it slow, and then I'd throw them off a roof. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I would actually go in and act like I was a fan. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And be like, can I run some jokes by you and have him lecture me? | ||
| And just earn a little bit of his trust. | ||
| And then jump on his chest like a spider monkey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking shank him. | ||
| Just fucking go to town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'd feel good. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that five years ago, no one would ever think that? | ||
| Oh, I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, just kidding. | ||
| This is all pre-rape. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| I mean, that would be... | ||
| What an insane conversation. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Imagine having this conversation in 2009. No. | ||
| I want to kill Bill Cosby. | ||
| People are like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| He's America's dad. | ||
| There's someone right now that we could be having this conversation about that we don't know. | ||
| I don't think anybody is like that guy. | ||
| Not like that. | ||
| Because I heard about that guy in 1994 when I was on news radio, when I was on a sitcom. | ||
| They were talking about Bill Cosby drugging people. | ||
| I forget who was having the conversation, but they were like, Bill Cosby drugs people. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| It was like inside Hollywood talk. | ||
| Like, on the set, they were saying that someone knew someone who Bill Cosby drugged. | ||
| He drugs women and has sex with them. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| He wrote jokes about it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He talked about it on late night TV, about slipping a Spanish fly into someone's drink. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| He wrote an episode of his show where he was at a barbecue and there's something in the barbecue sauce and the girls are kind of like... | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Dude, you know what's been happening to me? | ||
| I have been talking with guys, texting with guys, FaceTiming, all these long distance stuff because I'm scared of intimacy, whatever. | ||
| And I've been having these like really intimate moments with men where it's like our relationship reaches that like, oh, this might be something. | ||
| Let's maybe meet up and we make plans. | ||
| And I find out the next day they were and I think they're like maybe on my way to be my boyfriend and they were on Ambien and they don't remember any of it. | ||
| I've been Ambien'd a couple times by guys that I'm like, they don't have a drinking problem, I'm finally engaging in a sober relationship or sober-ish, and they don't remember anything. | ||
| And I'm like, we made plans to go to Mexico together. | ||
| This is Priceline. | ||
| I can't get a fucking refund. | ||
| Kevin James made dinner when he was on Ambien and then thought someone broke into his house. | ||
| Like, he went to the store and got like a turkey and cooked it, made mashed potatoes, stuffing, graving. | ||
| They did the whole thing. | ||
| Cooked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then woke up in the morning and they were like, what did you do last night? | ||
| You cooked? | ||
| He's like, what the fuck? | ||
| I didn't fucking cook. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Like, he really thought someone broke into his house and cooked dinner. | ||
| That stuff's horrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| I've got guys waking up in relationships with me and they're like, they didn't know it. | ||
| They're ready to go to Mexico. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What's my passport doing out? | ||
| I don't like you like that. | ||
| And then I'm like, well, we... | ||
| And I go to sleep with like... | ||
| Butterflies in my stomach of like, God, we finally connected tonight. | ||
| Something happened. | ||
| He finally saw what I saw the whole time. | ||
| And the next day I'll make like, I'll kind of like be like, so last night, like one guy, we had phone sex for the first time we were like, and it felt like real sex. | ||
| You know, sometimes it can feel very connected phone sex or FaceTime, Skype sex, whatever it is. | ||
| How far away did this guy live? | ||
| Middle of the country. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was in New York. | ||
| I thought you were going to say Midtown. | ||
| Midtown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, why don't you just get in an Uber? | |
| This is crazy. | ||
| I heard Mid. | ||
| I was like, oh my God, please don't say Midtown. | ||
| Yeah, and we... | ||
| We finally, like, got naked together on the... | ||
| And I was like, oh my god, like, this is... | ||
| And it was never really sexual before that. | ||
| Like, there was little flirty things, but I was like, when is this guy gonna make a fucking move? | ||
| And, like... | ||
| And he did. | ||
| But he was on Ambien and blacked out the... | ||
| Didn't remember any of it! | ||
| Not even a second! | ||
| Look how angry she is! | ||
| I was so pissed! | ||
| Because the next day I went into work, I was skipping around. | ||
| I was like, dude, telling all my girlfriends, like... | ||
| I met a guy. | ||
| This guy is the guy that I've been talking to them about. | ||
| I have a radio show, so every morning I go in and debrief my producers. | ||
| And I'm like, last night we hooked up and it's happening. | ||
| And then I talked to him later on and he was just like, wait, what are you talking about? | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| And he goes, I don't really... | ||
| I didn't even know we talked last night. | ||
| It just sucked. | ||
| And then it happened to me recently again. | ||
| There's a lot of people on that shit. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| I did it recently. | ||
| My friend gave it to me because I... I guess I shouldn't say that, but I took some and... | ||
| I guess I shouldn't say that. | ||
| You shouldn't say that. | ||
| Just don't say the friend's name. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| You're alright. | ||
| Some fucking asshole gave you Ambien. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some... | |
| I was working with Bill Cosby. | ||
| I didn't even mean to. | ||
| He was my friend. | ||
| Because I was just having a really rough time. | ||
| I did the roast of Alec Baldwin and I was not getting enough sleep, which I know you guys were talking about the other night. | ||
| Sleep is fucking everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I had a meltdown, and I had a Netflix taping to do the next night. | ||
| My friend was like, take this Ambien. | ||
| You're not going to sleep otherwise. | ||
| And I took it, and I took Instagram off my phone. | ||
| I took Twitter off my phone. | ||
| I cleared my room of food, because you don't know what's going to happen. | ||
| I got the best night's sleep of my life, though. | ||
| You took all those things off your phone? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I was like, I don't know if I'm going to get racist when I do Ambien. | ||
| What if that is what causes it? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I don't know what can happen. | ||
| That is hilarious that you planned that far ahead. | ||
| You took Instagram off your phone. | ||
| So my ambient state would have had to go into the app store, re-download it, type in my, you know, like a lot of things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a very clever thing. | ||
| That's very smart of you. | ||
| I don't want to get canceled yet. | ||
| I mean, someday I will want to get canceled. | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| Yeah, because that's such a... | ||
| Rise again? | ||
| Like a phoenix? | ||
| No, not even to rise again. | ||
| To be like, good, I'm out. | ||
| I'm gonna go start my bird rescue. | ||
| Or whatever the hell. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'll be... | ||
| I'll be okay. | ||
| It's very difficult to get comics canceled unless they're doing something. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You gotta get... | ||
| I mean, even Aziz, which I think he got a fucking terrible deal... | ||
| What happened with him was terrible. | ||
| It sounded like a bad date. | ||
| It sounds like one person's account of it, and he didn't give his account of it, and he just tried to stay supportive of Me Too and all that jazz, but that guy got devastated. | ||
| He got wrecked by that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really wrecked. | ||
| And his special is a great indication of it. | ||
| You see his recent special. | ||
| It's like a giant apology. | ||
| I haven't seen it yet. | ||
| I mean, he's a funny guy. | ||
| And he didn't get canceled. | ||
| He's still doing shows and everything. | ||
| But as is Louis C.K., he's still doing shows. | ||
| But those guys are an example. | ||
| Louis more so, right? | ||
| He's an example because people are protesting. | ||
| No one's protesting Aziz. | ||
| He had a bad date. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But Louis, to this day, is still getting protested. | ||
| People show up at his shows. | ||
| Every time he does a show somewhere, they print articles about it. | ||
| Oh, who cares? | ||
| He's fine. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| You don't care about him? | ||
| He's fine. | ||
| He'll be fine. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But emotionally? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You don't care? | ||
| I just... | ||
| Emotionally, I think he's going to be fine. | ||
| I think it's all, like, you're going to upset some people, they're going to protest, but it's not going to affect your ticket sales or how much people love you, and he knows that, and he's going to be quite alright. | ||
| It's not the people that do love him, it's the people that hate him. | ||
| It's like there's always going to be a certain amount of people that do love you. | ||
| Even if you're a terrible person. | ||
| If you're like, look, Donald Trump is, one of the things that's fascinating about him to me is that he's the king of the assholes. | ||
| Like he's a self-avowed asshole. | ||
| It's very obvious that he's an asshole. | ||
| And then other assholes are like, finally we've got an asshole speaking for us! | ||
| And they want to wear sunglasses inside and yell. | ||
| I mean, this is what he attracts, right? | ||
| So even if you're an asshole, you're going to get a bunch of people who love you. | ||
| If you're in a public eye, people choose cult leaders, right? | ||
| They don't choose them for their positive qualities. | ||
| They get sucked into this idea of this person liking them and being on a team with this person. | ||
| And if that person's a strong person, it's even more intoxicating. | ||
| Donald Trump's a strong person. | ||
| Celebrities are strong people. | ||
| Celebrities are famous. | ||
| Like, you know, everybody hates you, Louie, but I support you. | ||
| You're going to have those no matter what you've done. | ||
| There's people out there that still that show up at R. Kelly's trial and they post signs and say, we support you. | ||
| Those bitches knew what they were in for. | ||
| Really, this is something that's going on right now to this day. | ||
| It's because people get incredibly drawn to someone who's in a position of fame and power like Donald Trump or anybody. | ||
| And Louis is one of those, too. | ||
| So it's not that the people who love him don't always love him. | ||
| And people love Louis before, and they forgive him for what he's done, but there's going to be people that don't. | ||
| And those people that don't, and they write articles, and if he reads them, it just burns on you, and it hurts you. | ||
| And he's a super sensitive guy. | ||
| So all this stuff, it's like, he's going to be fine, yes. | ||
| But it's still... | ||
| It's not... | ||
| Devastating. | ||
| Yeah, but didn't he cause a little bit of devastation in some people's lives, perhaps? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Eye for an eye. | ||
| And I really think the angry people who don't like him and aren't going to shows wouldn't have gone to them anyway. | ||
| And yet it's going to hurt to get that Google alert for your name. | ||
| You gotta turn off that feed. | ||
| One out of ten articles is maybe negative about you, but he's doing alright. | ||
| I mean, I talked to him after one night at the Comedy Cellar, and he told me some examples of things that have been said to him in public. | ||
| Because I just asked him, I was like, what has it been like for you? | ||
| This is right when he came out of hiding. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he told me some stories of things that had happened in public where a woman once whispered in his ear, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| Like, you know, he's at a store or something. | ||
| And then another one where just a woman blatantly in the street was like, fuck you, you know? | ||
| And it was like, oh my fucking God! | ||
| This is a nightmare for you, walking outside your house. | ||
| And I'm like, so this is... | ||
| Oh no, this is only two times of the whole year. | ||
| And I was like, oh, okay. | ||
| Well, that seems manageable. | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| He says, but ten times a day people are still asking for my picture and autograph, so it's pretty good. | ||
| So I don't think he's suffering that much, and I don't think he deserves to suffer that much. | ||
| I'm just saying I think as many people hate him as maybe would have anyway because no one can be famous for too long without people hating them. | ||
| You know what he said a big one was? | ||
| A big one was that Parkland thing. | ||
| That joke that he made that got released. | ||
| He said, that really, really fucked him up. | ||
| That really fucked him up, the response to that. | ||
| Because it was after, you know, he had just started to do stand-up again after 10 months off. | ||
| And then he did that joke about the Parkland survivors. | ||
| About, like, why are they interesting? | ||
| Because you pushed a fat kid in front of you? | ||
| Because you survived? | ||
| Like, yeah, you're laughing. | ||
| See... | ||
| It's a fucked up thing that someone would say at a comedy club. | ||
| When you take that out of context, then people get angry at it. | ||
| But that is a classic Louis C.K. line. | ||
| I mean, that sounds exactly like most of his act. | ||
| We would have celebrated him for it before. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| This whole thing. | ||
| But now he's walking a fine line. | ||
| He can't... | ||
| Also, the very beginnings, the embryonic stages of a bit. | ||
| And that bit could have been a monster bit. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You're so right. | ||
| That was the first... | ||
| Ten months. | ||
| No stand-up at all for ten months, and then he's got this bit, and he's working on it, and he's got an angle. | ||
| The angle is, why are we, these survivors, just because they survived doesn't mean they're interesting. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| It is true. | ||
| Great bit. | ||
| It could have been an amazing bit, but some fuckhead had to record it and then put it on YouTube, and then you got guys like Judd Apatow yelling out about it, like as if this is like Louis' final statement on the subject. | ||
| And it's this, especially by other comics, like that, I found that whole thing to be so fucked up. | ||
| I was like, you know what a bit is. | ||
| And you know when someone's trying. | ||
| Don't you ever try out new bits? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| I've said some stuff on stage where I even say to the crowd, listen, that didn't come out right. | ||
| That was the first. | ||
| Please don't tell anyone that I just said that. | ||
| Will you all be just cool? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| So I definitely understand that. | ||
| And I understand saying things that make people feel really sad and angry and they feel hurt by it and they write mean things to me saying that I've hurt their feelings. | ||
| And it feels shitty when people hate you. | ||
| So I do feel for him that way. | ||
| I do. | ||
| And that's why I asked him, like, what is it like? | ||
| You're the most beloved and then you were... | ||
| I mean, that's got to fucking suck. | ||
| It's got to suck. | ||
| And he said he would have gone to Africa or wherever, you know, somewhere to disappear, but his kids. | ||
| He couldn't leave. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so he had to sit around with it. | ||
| It's got to be super hard. | ||
| I sympathize, or I can empathize with that, for sure. | ||
| And that would suck. | ||
| And I'm not immune to getting fucking canceled. | ||
| I'm sure I've said shit before that... | ||
| It's just waiting to resurface. | ||
| Dude, you said shit on that roast. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I was scared to do the roast. | ||
| I was like, this stuff isn't gonna age well with how we're going. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| You went hard in the paint. | ||
| Oh dude, I was supposed to go so much harder too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I had to cut a lot of jokes. | ||
| Why'd you have to cut a lot of jokes? | ||
| Because Caitlyn Jenner didn't want us talking about her car crash. | ||
| Shh. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That was like the bulk of my material. | ||
| Don't be here. | ||
| I know. | ||
| She didn't even know that it was possible that we were going to do that. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| How would she not think that? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Comedy Central told me, they're like, listen, we don't think Caitlin knows that those jokes are coming. | ||
| And I was like, will you tell her or will someone give her a heads up? | ||
| And they're like, we don't want to alert her because she might not want to do it now. | ||
| So who decided to not do the jokes? | ||
| I was doing the jokes around town to get ready for it. | ||
| Like I was going like, Caitlyn Jenner! | ||
| Such a beautiful woman you killed with your car four years ago. | ||
| You know, stuff like that. | ||
| I loved you on Keeping Up With The Car Crashians. | ||
| Just like different things. | ||
| I love that you're a woman that can't menstruate yet you still manage to have blood on your hands. | ||
| Like great jokes. | ||
| You can't menstruate? | ||
| You can't menstruate. | ||
| Menstruate. | ||
| Menstruate. | ||
| Yeah, you can't get your period, but you still manage to have blood on your hands. | ||
| And they were like my favorite jokes of my set. | ||
| They worked the best. | ||
| I was working the set up for like a month before. | ||
| Who told you to not do them? | ||
| Well, Comedy Central strongly advised me not to. | ||
| They never said you can't. | ||
| They've never said that to me. | ||
| So why did you decide not to? | ||
| Because Caitlyn Jenner heard the morning of, they had a call with her the morning of the roast, that she had heard, apparently someone's doing jokes about me and my car crash, and if they do, if I hear a single, that was a very devastating thing that happened to that family, and a woman lost her life, and if there's a joke about it, I will walk. | ||
| That would have been awesome. | ||
| That's what I told Gommie Central. | ||
| That would have been awesome. | ||
| Before I heard this, I was like, if she gets upset, because they were like, if she gets upset, there might be a moment where, you know, the cameras go to her. | ||
| And the problem is, I was going first. | ||
| And I was doing all the jokes about the car crash. | ||
| Now, if I would have upset her first off, then the whole show is thrown off. | ||
| And it's weird in the room. | ||
| I said, bad press is good press. | ||
| It's going to get written up so much more. | ||
| You guys, come on! | ||
| You should have said, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, and just went up and did it. | ||
| I was going to, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should have. | |
| They go, just don't put the jokes in the prompter. | ||
| Because then they haven't signed off on it, I'm going rogue. | ||
| Go rogue. | ||
| Go rogue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like it. | |
| So I went up, or so that morning I woke up and I was still kind of like... | ||
| Maybe I'll do a softer version of those jokes. | ||
| I was going to tweak them a little bit. | ||
| I was going to say, Caitlyn Jenner, what a beautiful woman you accidentally killed with your... | ||
| I was going to add the word accidentally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just to soften it and make it more factual. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then Comedy Central called and they said that she had said she'll walk. | ||
| And that's when I decided I'm not going to do it. | ||
| I don't want this woman to walk off stage. | ||
| I don't want to really... | ||
| I just think it's so strange that we're calling her a woman. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love the chaos of it. | ||
| Like, I just love this woman. | ||
| Like, oh yeah, it's not a man anymore. | ||
| I'm so proud of myself when I don't even have to think about it anymore. | ||
| Because for a while it was like, make sure you say woman, make sure you say she. | ||
| It's the worst example of it because she's such a dummy. | ||
| Like, when she talks, it's just like, it's so, it's like disappointing. | ||
| Like, I wish she had more insight on it. | ||
| Like, there's women that transition that are, like, brilliant. | ||
| You were saying the other day, just like, dumb men begin transition to women, and then they're suddenly like, these amazing women! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what he is. | |
| But they were, like, a dumb guy. | ||
| Yeah, he was a dumb guy. | ||
| He was a male Kardashian. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, he's like celebrating. | ||
| Oh, I'm the greatest woman of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want the woman of the year. | |
| You know what? | ||
| But the best purpose that he serves, she serves for, though, is Kyle Dunnigan's Instagram feed. | ||
| Oh my god, so good. | ||
| That's another thing that Comedy Central cut out. | ||
| Comedy Central was doing a Kyle Dunnigan show where it was all like face swap shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he had a bit where Caitlin was fucking Donald Trump and she was on top of Donald Trump. | ||
| It was goddamn hilarious. | ||
| He was showing it to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was in the green room of the Comedy Store crying. | ||
| I mean, crying loud. | ||
| And then he's like, Comedy Central cut that. | ||
| I'm like, no! | ||
| No! | ||
| No, they said they can't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I know. | ||
| You got a face swap show. | ||
| No one was naked. | ||
| She was just on top of Donald Ryan. | ||
| That show would have been so good. | ||
| He's genius. | ||
| He's genius. | ||
| Genius. | ||
| The funniest part, one of the funniest people I'll ever know. | ||
| For sure, the funniest ever Instagram feed. | ||
| Yes, agreed. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| His Instagram feed is a monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kyle Dunnigan. | |
| Yep. | ||
| I go to it every couple of days. | ||
| Because it takes a while for him to create those things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| That's how he's doing it every day. | ||
| Oh, I get so excited when he puts a new one up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| He's a monster. | ||
| Him and Tim Dillon on there make me laugh a lot. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, Tim Dillon's awesome when he does Meghan McCain. | ||
| He's so fucking funny. | ||
| And Tim, because Tim is gay, because he's like this, he looks like he'd be a frat boy, but then you find out he's gay. | ||
| He's like, whoa, you can get away with a lot more. | ||
| Yeah, he really can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He is great. | ||
| And he's sober, which is crazy. | ||
| Because you're like, this guy's got to be on hard drugs when he's doing that Meghan McCain impression. | ||
| You're like, what kind of drugs is this guy on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| God, you're so right. | ||
| He's on air. | ||
| He's just breathing air and drinking water. | ||
| And he's keto now. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's keto. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, well, he got freaked out by a couple people's health issues. | ||
| What, he's got a new one? | ||
| Oh, what is he doing here? | ||
| Oh my god, this was so horrific. | ||
| I want to thank Beachbody for making me their spokesperson. | ||
| I've been using their products since the beginning, and I'm a triathlete. | ||
| He's lost a lot of weight, though. | ||
| Yeah, good for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's getting slimmer. | |
| Good. | ||
| Look at him, keto. | ||
| So he got scared, you said? | ||
| Well, yeah, I mean, you know, he's very heavy. | ||
| He's a big guy. | ||
| He's very heavy, and, you know, he just was realizing he's a fucking Megan McCain. | ||
| Give me a Megan McCain. | ||
| Yeah, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| As the only gal on the panel who held up a Boston Market this weekend, I'm gonna talk a little bit about guns, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of people in the media have never shot a gun, and they've certainly never masturbated with one. | |
| They have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. | ||
| My gun's not for sale, but my pussy is. | ||
| And the price is P.F. Chang's. | ||
| My father and his friends used to hunt me in the backyard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would run around and they'd shoot at me, and my father said, if we hit her, the only thing that's gonna come out is whipped cream. | |
| He was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The AR-15 is the most popular gun in America and it's the only thing that's ever made me cum! | |
| I like guns and I put them in my pussy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't tell me what guns I can own or what people I can own! | |
| He's fucking nuts. | ||
| You know she's seen that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You know it. | ||
| You know she's seen that. | ||
| Poor Megan to have seen that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He, yeah, he's, oh, we were talking about the, so anyway, I just decided not to do the jokes because I didn't want to upset her. | ||
| And it was, it sucked because it would have been nice to know leading up to that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I was preparing, but who cares? | ||
| I just didn't want to... | ||
| I don't want to make people feel bad. | ||
| I'm going to walk. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| What do you expect? | ||
| I mean, you had Alec Baldwin's fucking daughter come up and tell jokes about what a horrible daddy is. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And you can't own up to the fact that you crashed into someone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So did you make any jokes about her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I said... | ||
| I just made fun of the fact that she was a terrible father at one point and abandoned one of her families to go do a reality show. | ||
| So I really leaned into that. | ||
| She did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She had Brody Jenner and a couple others. | ||
| Who the fuck is Brody? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's the most famous of her sons. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| But she had a whole family before the Kardashians that she didn't watch grow up, even though they were just like... | ||
| Down the road, down the PCH. Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know that for a fact? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was like an episode of the Kardashians where she was like, I wasn't around for your lives. | ||
| But she was so nice. | ||
| When I was doing the jokes, she was so happy about all the jokes about her abandoning her family. | ||
| She was like, I love them! | ||
| one that she has a problem with. | ||
| - Yeah. | ||
| - Because that was, it was weird because it happened during the celebration of her becoming a woman. | ||
| - Yeah, she was right in the thick of the transition. | ||
| And they had a settlement, she settled. | ||
| I think there was some kind of fault, who knows? | ||
| Accidental, but she did not want to relive it. | ||
| - Who would? | ||
| - Right. | ||
| But listen, I had a guy with my car once. | ||
| Did you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I almost killed him. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| Was he walking? | ||
| No, he did not walk right after. | ||
| I mean, on the street when you hit him. | ||
| Garbage man picking up, collecting across the street, jumped out from the car, didn't see him. | ||
| I was 16, just had gotten my license, and he flew up on the hood and flew into the grass. | ||
| I thought I killed him, and it was terrifying. | ||
| And he sued me four years later, right under the statute of limitations. | ||
| And I had to go to court, and then it came out on the stand that he was a child molester, and so I won. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm just kind of fucked. | ||
| Karma. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you're karma. | ||
| I picked the right person. | ||
| You picked the right fucking person to hit with a car. | ||
| Holy shit, he's a child molester. | ||
| Have you ever almost killed someone? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, luckily. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Fuck, that's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's made me a better driver. | ||
| Although, one time, in a fight, in a martial arts fight, I knocked this guy out. | ||
| He never got up. | ||
| And I started thinking that that could be me. | ||
| Because they took him away to the hospital. | ||
| And I went back to talk to my instructor. | ||
| And he wasn't there. | ||
| It was in Anaheim, California. | ||
| And I was living in Boston. | ||
| We flew back to Boston after the tournament. | ||
| And he said to me, I heard you had a really good knockout. | ||
| You know, with his thick Korean accent. | ||
| And I said, yeah. | ||
| I go, it was really scary because he never got up. | ||
| I go, I thought he was dead. | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| Sometimes they die. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| And he just walked away. | ||
| He used to train troops in Vietnam. | ||
| He was an intense guy. | ||
| And I was like, sometimes they die. | ||
| Holy shit, I'm them. | ||
| Them is me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| I could die. | ||
| I was 19. And I remember, I never thought about it the same way again. | ||
| I never thought about hitting someone the same way again. | ||
| Because it was one of those... | ||
| But like sometimes you hit someone and it's like a perfect shot. | ||
| Like you hit them, they were running it. | ||
| He was coming at me and I kicked him with something called a wheel kick. | ||
| It has a crazy amount of power. | ||
| You spin around and you hit someone with the heel of your foot. | ||
| My heel hurt for days. | ||
| I was limping, walking from hitting his head. | ||
| Yeah, it was rough. | ||
| Have you ever been hit in a way that you're like, that could be? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I've been dropped and I've been rocked and I've definitely been hit, but I've never been knocked unconscious and not like that. | ||
| That was a bad one. | ||
| He was like face planted. | ||
| He was snoring. | ||
| I've seen a lot of people get knocked out like that. | ||
| Have you checked on him recently? | ||
| I have no idea who he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I have no idea what happened to him. | ||
| You gave him CTE probably. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Murdered his whole family at this point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| 100% he got brain damage. | ||
| What? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| What? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Whoa, Joe. | ||
| There's no way he didn't. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| There's no way he didn't. | ||
| But could that happen to you? | ||
| Of course it could have happened. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Could it happen to you now in the way that you're fighting? | ||
| I don't do it anymore. | ||
| I do jiu-jitsu now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But jiu-jitsu's not striking. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu's not, it's not like kick. | ||
| And this was not like sparring. | ||
| This was a fight. | ||
| This was in the U.S. Nationals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I was the Massachusetts state champion and he was a champion. | ||
| I think he was from Illinois. | ||
| And so he was the Illinois state champion. | ||
| Did you get so much pussy back then from winning fights? | ||
| Were there groupies? | ||
| No, there was no groupies. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| I got the opposite of pussy. | ||
| I was always training. | ||
| I wasn't doing anything. | ||
| I wouldn't even have sex with my girlfriend in the dojo. | ||
| Because it was sacred? | ||
| Yeah, I was teaching there. | ||
| So like... | ||
| She was horny and she was trying to hook up with me. | ||
| I had to go up there to do something, clean or something. | ||
| I forget what I had to do. | ||
| But she was trying to hook up. | ||
| I'm like, I can't. | ||
| You're like, don't. | ||
| We can't do this here. | ||
| This is never going to happen here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which is like, I would fuck her in an alleyway. | |
| I would have fucked her on a bus if no one was looking. | ||
| But not in the dojo. | ||
| Not there. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's actually in Korean. | ||
| It's called dojang. | ||
| They would call it dojang. | ||
| But no, I didn't get any pussy. | ||
| I mean, other than my girlfriend at the time. | ||
| And then when you start comedy, like so much... | ||
| Dude, it's crazy. | ||
| That was the crazy thing. | ||
| It's like, all of a sudden, girls actually like me? | ||
| Like, instead of me liking them and them rejecting me? | ||
| Because I was basically a loser. | ||
| You know, even though I was like a successful martial artist, I had no money and no future prospects, and there was no promise to me. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like, where's this guy going? | ||
| Did you see this for yourself, eventually? | ||
| Like, not exactly this, obviously, but like... | ||
| No, just being happy, successful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You really felt like a loser? | ||
| Like, what the fuck am I going to do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I used to have extreme social anxiety, believe it or not. | ||
| How did that manifest itself? | ||
| I was telling people about the bank teller thing was a weird one for me. | ||
| I always got super nervous talking to bank tellers. | ||
| I got to be in line. | ||
| There's like three people in front of me. | ||
| I'm like, three more people and I'm going to talk to the lady. | ||
| Two more people. | ||
| I've got to talk to the lady. | ||
| I'd get weirded out. | ||
| I had pretty extreme social anxiety, I think. | ||
| I just didn't have good self-esteem. | ||
| I just thought I was a loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then what made you do stand-up? | |
| Well, I had friends from my martial arts days that talked me into it. | ||
| And said you were funny. | ||
| Because I would make them laugh when we were on our way to competitions. | ||
| Everybody was so nervous. | ||
| Because these were full contact tournaments and people got knocked unconscious all the time. | ||
| My friends got knocked unconscious. | ||
| I've seen so many people get fucked up. | ||
| And everybody would be tense. | ||
| So I would be the guy who broke the ice. | ||
| I would be making everybody laugh. | ||
| It was like gallows humor. | ||
| I'd make everybody laugh. | ||
| And then my friend Steve, who I'm still dear friends with to this day, Steve Graham, he said, you should be a comedian. | ||
| And I was like, there's no way, man. | ||
| You think I'm funny because you're my friend. | ||
| I go, the things that I think are funny, everybody else is going to think I'm an asshole. | ||
| Like, it's just fucked. | ||
| My sense of humor is fucked up. | ||
| But he talked me into it. | ||
| And then I went to an open mic night. | ||
| And then I realized that, oh, open mic nights, everyone sucks. | ||
| Like, you're just trying to start out. | ||
| We're all amateurs. | ||
| So my thought was like, well, at least I won't be as bad as the worst guy. | ||
| You know, I'll probably be better than the worst guy. | ||
| So maybe I could try this. | ||
| And then I went up and I did it. | ||
| And then once I did it once, I knew I was going to do it. | ||
| When did you stop feeling like a loser? | ||
| A couple weeks ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Even then I'm not convinced. | ||
| Do you secretly feel, like, do you, are you insecure still? | ||
| Do you struggle with self-esteem at all? | ||
| No. | ||
| Currently? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| But I used to definitely have imposter syndrome. | ||
| You know, like, even when things are really good, like, I'd go to a sold-out theater and, like, they'd introduce my name and, like, as I was walking out... | ||
| And people were cheering. | ||
| I'd be like, this is not real. | ||
| This does not seem real. | ||
| I'm tricking these fucking people once again. | ||
| And even when it was over, I'd be like, oh, tricked them again. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I think that's healthy, though, because the idea of being a famous person or being a celebrity, it's... | ||
| It's a crazy state. | ||
| It's not supposed to exist. | ||
| You're not supposed to be able to go to a place where 10,000 people have paid money to hear you talk for an hour. | ||
| I mean, that is fucking bananas. | ||
| It doesn't exist in nature. | ||
| It's not a normal state for a human being to be able to manage. | ||
| So, if you thought, like, that's normal... | ||
| And you deserve it, and it's not special and strange, then I think that that would be weird. | ||
| Right. | ||
| To think it's special and strange always, but appreciate it. | ||
| I think that's the way to do it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Appreciate it. | ||
| I mean, I know I can do it, but the reason why I know I can do it is because I do it all the time, and I work really hard at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I know I show up. | ||
| I know I have my act ready. | ||
| I know I'm prepared. | ||
| I don't take it lightly. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It means a lot to me. | ||
| I feel the same way. | ||
| If I've worked hard enough... | ||
| I feel like I deserve it. | ||
| But if I don't, if I've had a lazy week and I'm performing and I'm making big bucks for a big deal and I haven't even looked at my set list or just... | ||
| I feel guilty and I feel impostery. | ||
| The way that I combat imposter syndrome is like I had a therapist one time say, who do you think that you are that you can fool all these people? | ||
| You think these people are that stupid and you're so smart and you're tricking all of them? | ||
| So I try to remind myself of that when I think... | ||
| This audience doesn't fucking know how untalented I am. | ||
| They're just here because they think I'm something. | ||
| I go, who do you think? | ||
| You think you're smarter than these people? | ||
| These are smart people. | ||
| They know what they like. | ||
| Well, your audience is smart people, but let's be honest. | ||
| There's a lot of dummies out there that have a big audience. | ||
| They've tapped into a whole river of fucking idiots. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's real too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The idea that just because you have a lot of people coming to see you that you're really good, that's nonsense. | ||
| No. | ||
| You have to be good. | ||
| People always are like, other comedians are so mad at comedians who are hacks that have huge followings, and I'm like, dumb people need to laugh too. | ||
| It's like dumb movies. | ||
| Yeah, sure, dumb movies. | ||
| Everyone needs entertainment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many Maeda movies are there? | |
| Like fucking 80 of them, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever try to watch one of those things? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It'll give you brain damage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it'll change your life. | ||
| Have you actually tried? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We should watch some clips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| But there's movies that are like, look, I don't mean to pick on that guy. | ||
| I mean, he's doing great. | ||
| Used to be a homeless person. | ||
| Now he's just got a star on the Walk of Fame. | ||
| Congratulations to him. | ||
| It's not my kind of movie, but obviously a lot of people love it. | ||
| There's a lot of movies that are for little kids that if you watch them, they're terrible. | ||
| Like, I watch movies with my kids, and I was like, Jesus Christ, this movie is awful. | ||
| And they're like, ah! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not for you. | ||
| It's for nine-year-olds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| They think it's hilarious. | ||
| So not everything's going to be for you. | ||
| And I think, yeah. | ||
| I just have to, instead of getting mad, like, why is that person so successful? | ||
| I would just go, well, their audience needs that. | ||
| And they're not going to enjoy you. | ||
| They can't. | ||
| And not because they're not smart enough. | ||
| It's just like, I don't speak to them. | ||
| And I can't speak to everyone. | ||
| And that's frustrating. | ||
| Wondering why other people are successful is the refuge of losers. | ||
| It's a loser mentality. | ||
| It's a loser occupation. | ||
| It's a loser practice. | ||
| Because you're wondering why other people are successful. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| You can say you think it sucks, but to spend time wondering why someone is successful and hating on someone for being successful... | ||
| It doesn't do any good. | ||
| It's like, what is that old expression that jealousy is... | ||
| It's a poison that does the opposite of its intended. | ||
| It doesn't affect the other person at all, but it poisons yourself. | ||
| It wastes your energy and time. | ||
| It just is so... | ||
| It's so indicative that you are insecure. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's like people don't realize what a giveaway that is when they are talking shit. | ||
| You're just like, ugh, this is just showing me that you fucking don't like yourself. | ||
| Well, I figured out, there's something that I figured out personally, and that I try to relay this, and I try to be more clear and more concise the way I relay it. | ||
| The way I look at it is that your mind, you have a certain amount of bandwidth. | ||
| This is why I don't read Instagram comments or Twitter comments or YouTube comments. | ||
| I don't have any time. | ||
| If I read them, it's an accident. | ||
| But to seek them out, you have bandwidth. | ||
| I don't spend time wondering why I hate things or hating things or hating on someone or being jealous. | ||
| You have, let's say, let's call it units. | ||
| You have 100 units of bandwidth in your mind. | ||
| So that means there's 100 units that you can spend on things you care about, or you could let your mind be occupied by some stupid fucking Twitter feud that you're in with some idiot that you don't even know, and you could spend 30% of your mind bandwidth on this, and then you only have 70% for the things you love. | ||
| And then maybe you're involved in some fucking relationship with someone who's an idiot and you're arguing back and forth with them. | ||
| Well, there's another 30% that's gone. | ||
| Now you have 40% left. | ||
| You have 40% for the things you love instead of 100%. | ||
| But if you only concentrate on the things you care about that mean something to you and learn how to do that, like you were talking about meditation, it's a form of meditation because you're learning how to avoid the little road bumps and the ditches on the side of the road. | ||
| That can suck your bandwidth. | ||
| You can give them just a little bit and go, okay, no, no, no. | ||
| Or you could lean in. | ||
| Like how you're saying when you stopped drinking, all of a sudden your career took off. | ||
| You started doing well because you had more bandwidth. | ||
| And you had less problems. | ||
| This problem that you had that was rotting you away no longer existed. | ||
| So now all of a sudden it frees up your time and you realize, oh my god, there's so many funny things that I could talk about. | ||
| And I have so much energy and I'm so healthy. | ||
| I could just go on stage and have fun and then you're killing it. | ||
| When was the last thing that you go, no, no, you maybe gave it a little too much bandwidth? | ||
| Do you still struggle with those things? | ||
| No, not really anymore, but it's been a gradual process. | ||
| You had to have been a jealous dude in stand-up. | ||
| When you first started out, you had to have hated the guy that was getting ahead. | ||
| I don't know any male comic... | ||
| I definitely was in the beginning. | ||
| And what happened to that? | ||
| You get successful and it didn't happen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Before I was successful, I realized it was stupid. | ||
| Long before. | ||
| Because when I was like an amateur, I would see guys that were killing and I'd be like, fuck him. | ||
| Why is he doing good? | ||
| That guy sucks and this guy sucks. | ||
| How come he got this and he got that? | ||
| And then I remember thinking, this is a gigantic waste of time. | ||
| And I got into comedy because I'm a fan of comedy. | ||
| And my concentrating on people that suck or being jealous about people that are doing well does me zero good. | ||
| But instead, if someone does well, I can be inspired and I can get fired up by it. | ||
| I mean, I figured this out in my early 20s. | ||
| I was like, okay, I have a poor way of looking at it. | ||
| Because it's a martial arts thing. | ||
| Because in martial arts, you can't be jealous of someone else's ability. | ||
| You have to realize you might have to fight them someday. | ||
| So by realizing that they're really good, you're forced to be objective about it. | ||
| And you have to go to work. | ||
| Like you have to go, fuck, that guy's better than me. | ||
| I gotta get better. | ||
| And you have to go to work. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| There's no positive benefit in underestimating someone. | ||
| Underestimating someone will get you fucking killed. | ||
| Like, literally. | ||
| You're gonna get a shin smashed into your face. | ||
| Like, you don't want to ever underestimate someone. | ||
| Convincing yourself that the things that you're jealous of them for aren't really as good. | ||
| That will get you killed. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You get brained. | ||
| That's it, dude. | ||
| That's totally it, because the things that I get jealous of, and I'm better about it now than I've ever been, but you see other women. | ||
| I mean, my jealousies are always with other women. | ||
| It's just the way it is, and I have to fight it, and I'm really good about it now to be actually inspired by women who are funnier than me, but... | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And to use it to be like, okay, then I need to be better. | ||
| I need to get up to that level. | ||
| I need to go home and write. | ||
| It fires me up as opposed to like, why? | ||
| And it's powerful for everybody. | ||
| It's powerful for them. | ||
| It's powerful for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's like there's no negative aspect to it. | ||
| It's like you should be thankful that there's women out there that make you feel uncomfortable. | ||
| When I see someone just murder on stage, fuck, I want to go to work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to go write. | |
| I want to get home and write. | ||
| I want to go perform. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, that guy just killed. | ||
| Or holy shit, she just crushed. | ||
| She's out there killing it. | ||
| He's doing so good. | ||
| It makes me want to work harder. | ||
| And in that sense, as long as someone's not doing anything bad, as long as someone's not victimizing someone, what they're doing is they're showing you that it's possible to do better than you're doing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's good. | ||
| You need to know that. | ||
| The second you get comfortable and you think you're the best, then there's nothing to... | ||
| Well, I'm sure you've gone into a town and there's local comedians. | ||
| And there's a guy who's a funny local guy and he's terrible. | ||
| Because the community sucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there's no one there. | ||
| There's no one pushing them. | ||
| We fucking need each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| That's why New York has so many killers. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| And LA has so many killers. | ||
| Because there's so many of us. | ||
| Whenever I go back and forth to different coasts, it's like you just... | ||
| The styles are so different, but when I moved to New York, you had to follow Dave Attell. | ||
| You're gonna rise. | ||
| Yeah, you have to. | ||
| You have to, or you're gonna drown. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So I'm always encouraged by being around better people. | ||
| I always want to follow... | ||
| When people are like, I don't want to follow Attell, I don't want to follow Chappelle, or whatever, it's like... | ||
| No, I do. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Because it's a challenge, and yeah, it's inspiring. | ||
| I wanted to get back to the fact that I wanted to think of what's the last thing that derailed you in terms of bandwidth you were about to answer. | ||
| Like, what's something that you had to kind of get out of your life? | ||
| It's not a one instance, but it's a slow progression. | ||
| And also... | ||
| My career, I became successful during the time that the internet came to be. | ||
| So it was all happening. | ||
| People being able to comment on you and say things, that was all a completely new thing. | ||
| And everyone had to learn how to navigate those waters. | ||
| Because at first I would treat people that were saying something online like a heckler. | ||
| If someone would heckle you and say something, then you'd be like, what? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| And then you would own them, right? | ||
| In the early internet days, that's what people did. | ||
| They would have these flame wars, they would call it, where people would just go back and forth with each other. | ||
| It was a sport. | ||
| There was a lot more of that. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, it's a waste of time. | ||
| Not only is it a waste of time, then you realize, like, no, this isn't a heckler. | ||
| This is a, like, you're getting a message. | ||
| The world can't hear it. | ||
| Like, so you have to decide if you're going to concentrate and then put all your energy and broadcast to the world that you're involved in this altercation with this other person. | ||
| It's fucking pointless. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We see it all the time with people. | ||
| People get sucked into these traps. | ||
| I see it with fighters. | ||
| Like UFC fighters all the time, they get in these fights with fans. | ||
| Like someone will say something to them and they'll reply and then everyone's like, oh, I got them to reply to me. | ||
| And it's a waste of time. | ||
| And it just took a while to realize, for me, what's positive and what's negative. | ||
| It doesn't mean I'm immune to criticism or that I don't deserve criticism. | ||
| Like everybody does. | ||
| And there's times where you're going to misstep or you're going to say something that's not correct or foolish or not as funny as you thought it was when you were thinking you were going to say it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's just part of being a person. | ||
| But to engage constantly in swimming into the deep waters of other people's criticism and opinions, random internet people, it's like, goddammit, that's so much bandwidth. | ||
| It's so much. | ||
| So much. | ||
| You could use 100% of your bandwidth on that. | ||
| And some people do. | ||
| Some people go goddamn crazy. | ||
| I've met people that are just like Googling themselves and reading their own internet comments all day long and just going crazy and fighting with people all day long and going crazy. | ||
| It gets in, no matter how much you're like, fuck this guy. | ||
| I was doing a live Instagram yesterday on the way to the airport, just talking to some fans, and one guy was like, wow, you look a lot better with makeup. | ||
| Because I was like, no makeup on, looked like shit. | ||
| And I go, fuck you. | ||
| I got him out of there. | ||
| And I go, I'm gonna be honest with you guys, it's gonna bother me the rest of the goddamn day. | ||
| Because this guy just said what I actually think about myself that no one actually is saying to me. | ||
| And that's when it hurts. | ||
| It's like when someone nails something about you that you're like, I secretly think, but it's probably just me. | ||
| No one else sees it. | ||
| And I had to admit, like, I was gonna think about that later and it might make me not do one of these again because I don't want someone to say something like that and bring it to everyone's attention. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's so much... | ||
| Since the last time I was here, and we talked a lot about my obsession with looks and being pretty or hot or whatever it is, I've let a lot of that go, but it's still there. | ||
| It's really hard to overcome. | ||
| And you're a hot dude. | ||
| I mean, how do you let go of that as you age? | ||
| I mean, you definitely have some value wrapped up in your looks as someone who's attractive and fit. | ||
| I think it's different for a man than it is for a woman because there's a lot of ugly dudes with hot wives because the ugly dudes are successful. | ||
| There's very few ugly women with hot husbands because the guys are gay. | ||
| Because why would a man ever be with a woman less attractive than him? | ||
| Well, there's men that are with women that are less attracted with them because they're interested in their personality or their sense of humor. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| But the disproportionate love that some disgusting older men have with hot women, like Lil Duval, okay? | ||
| You know, Lil Duvall, I fucking love that dude. | ||
| He's got something on his Instagram. | ||
| Pull this up. | ||
| It's this guy in a tub, and he's like this older dude, and he's got this young lady that's sitting on his lap in front of him, and she's asking him what she likes in him. | ||
| I'll just play this out. | ||
| We'll play this, because it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Play this. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Just listen to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your personality, your attitude, you're physically attractive, and it takes a lot of things to make a person to like somebody, okay? | |
| You need physical attraction, you need a base. | ||
| I can tell you're a sensitive, caring person by talking to you, and only I can learn more about you is by doing things with you. | ||
| And I like to try and do that. | ||
| Now listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'm just saying I just want to be taken care of and... | |
| I want to go to like the Chanel store. | ||
| That's not a problem. | ||
| I don't want to bathe in suits in Kmart. | ||
| That was your choice because you wanted to bathe in suits. | ||
| No! | ||
| No, because there's like, we're not too far from all those stores where there's like better stores. | ||
| I just, I'm not going to find anything that fits me in Kmart. | ||
| Okay, so you're going to take me shopping, right? | ||
| You got it. | ||
| To good stores. | ||
| What do you like about us? | ||
| He's like insider as we're having this conversation. | ||
| So he's like almost 70, it looks to me. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And not really a handsome Robert Redford 70. No, she's doing everything to not look at him. | |
| And she looks like she's about 30 and lean and her tits are floating above the water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| Yeah, see? | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| Flip that? | ||
| Flip that. | ||
| No way. | ||
| It doesn't exist. | ||
| Doesn't exist anywhere. | ||
| Seven-year-old lady with a hot, lean, young man. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Joe, I've been having a lot of young dudes coming after me. | ||
| Well, you're young still. | ||
| I know, I'm 35, but I've been having... | ||
| Oh, well, young guys like a mature woman who's still hot, who's physically fit and smart and interesting. | ||
| I feel weird about it, though. | ||
| Like a dirty lady? | ||
| I know. | ||
| I feel fetishized. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Right? | ||
| Like I'm an old lady. | ||
| I don't want anyone to be like cougar. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| 35. 35. And I've got like 22-year-olds, 20-year-olds. | ||
| It's getting pretty low. | ||
| Smash them. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Get on top. | ||
| Choke them. | ||
| Make them choke you. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Whatever you're into. | ||
| No, well, I don't have... | ||
| Fetishize, but it's not weird. | ||
| I just don't want to be an old... | ||
| I don't want them to only like me because... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think too much. | |
| I know, what? | ||
| You think way too much. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, you think way too much. | ||
| How do I stop? | ||
| I don't know, but about that kind of shit, like, just enjoy it. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| That's also one really positive aspect of drinking. | ||
| I mean, I'm telling you, dude. | ||
| If I still drank, I would hook up so much. | ||
| Yeah, you'd be like, how old are you? | ||
| 19. Come eat mama's pussy. | ||
| I really miss drinking. | ||
| You're so right. | ||
| I think so much because, man, that was the only way I used to have sex was to drink. | ||
| And now it's just so difficult for me. | ||
| Now you have to find something you actually like. | ||
| And then that's scary because that could be intimacy. | ||
| So I am stuck between intimacy and banging. | ||
| And I haven't had sex since May. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| And before that, even longer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I've only slept with one person over the past six years. | ||
| It's October. | ||
| June, July, August, September. | ||
| Five months. | ||
| Five months of my literal best looking year of my life wasted. | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| Are you meeting guys? | ||
| It's not that I can't have sex. | ||
| It's that I won't let myself because I get too attached to people and I feel like it's... | ||
| So you worry that if you do have sex with them that it's going to be too much? | ||
| They'll stop watching my Instagram story the next day and I will be so sad. | ||
| You should not have an Instagram story. | ||
| That way you won't have that problem. | ||
| Well, they'll stop texting me. | ||
| They'll stop. | ||
| Something will stop and I will feel so, so sad. | ||
| And I'm avoiding that sadness of sleeping with someone too soon. | ||
| I feel like I'm a doctor here. | ||
| And it just, yeah, it sucks. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're just interacting with the wrong people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't know who's the right person for you. | ||
| You never really can tell. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| You just know when it happens. | ||
| Tell me about your wife. | ||
| She's just a super nice person. | ||
| How did you meet her? | ||
| Met her at a bar. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Where? | ||
| Texas. | ||
| And, oh God, it's like Matt Damon. | ||
| That's how he met his wife. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I just love to know how people met their wives. | ||
| You have to find someone, first of all, that's going to be able to deal with the fact that you're a comic, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Unless you're dating other comics. | ||
| Which I am. | ||
| Well, that's good, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, everyone's like, don't do that. | ||
| I'm like, well, how am I not going to? | ||
| Tom Segura and Christina Pazizki, one of the best couples. | ||
| Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero, great couple. | ||
| Bonnie and Rich, great. | ||
| Yes, great couple. | ||
| Great couple. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And obviously, there are people that are going to understand you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And understand what you do. | ||
| But, like, a regular dude is going to have a problem with you being the funny one. | ||
| Like, a lot of dudes have a problem, you know? | ||
| But some people are fine with it. | ||
| Like Eliza. | ||
| Eliza's husband, he's a chef. | ||
| He's super chill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's great. | |
| That guy's awesome. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| But he's so chill. | ||
| He just hangs. | ||
| It's a perfect compliment to her personality. | ||
| She's so brash and outrageous and she's so powerful and he's this mellow dude who's hanging out. | ||
| It's like they work together. | ||
| He's not a weak man. | ||
| He's just calm. | ||
| And they work together. | ||
| You've got to find someone like that. | ||
| You've got to find someone who compliments your personality in a way. | ||
| But it's just like I don't know how you meet someone like that when you're a girl comedian. | ||
| I think women comedians, it's a unique requirement that you have for other people. | ||
| Because the thing where men always want to be the center of attention, right? | ||
| The man wants to be the alpha. | ||
| They want to be the one who's talking. | ||
| Like, clink, clink, clink. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, Bob's going to give a toast. | ||
| You want to be that asshole. | ||
| And when you've got a wife or a girlfriend who's fucking way funnier than you, not only is she funnier than you, she's fucking funny professionally. | ||
| Yeah, funnier than... | ||
| Everyone that isn't a comic and then a lot of comics too. | ||
| People are like, you need a comedian. | ||
| I'm like, I'll be funnier than them too. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It is hard. | ||
| And you're so right about that. | ||
| I see how much pussy men get thrown at them doing stand-up. | ||
| Even I get wet for stand-ups. | ||
| I know the tricks. | ||
| And I'll be watching a guy killing. | ||
| There's so much attraction. | ||
| When you see an audience all watching this dude on stage and he's commanding them with laughter and controlling their emotions, you just get wet for it. | ||
| It's cavewoman brain. | ||
| He's our tribe leader. | ||
| He's the leader. | ||
| I need to fuck him. | ||
| He's going to protect me during wartime. | ||
| That's the difference between men and women because men don't get that when a woman talks. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Go knit something. | ||
| Who's this bitch up there talking? | ||
| She'll be in the kitchen. | ||
| Yeah, I remember Theo Vaughn telling me recently, he was like, I hated your comedy. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| He's like, I did not like you. | ||
| And I go, well, I've always been funny, so I don't understand. | ||
| And you're funny, so funny knows funny. | ||
| He's like, it wasn't that. | ||
| It was just like your voice reminded me of my mom or something. | ||
| It's just my mom's always yelling at me. | ||
| And I was like, there it is. | ||
| And he even was like, I can't believe I'm saying this to you. | ||
| And I was like, I like it because, yes, we remind you of your mom's. | ||
| Female comics, if you've had an overbearing mom telling you like it is, what it is all the time, I would be like, shut the fuck up, ladies. | ||
| I would hate female comics if I had an overbearing mother. | ||
| So I empathize with that. | ||
| Theo is so crazy, though. | ||
| He's so fucking crazy. | ||
| He's so crazy. | ||
| He's funny, though. | ||
| He's just so ridiculous. | ||
| He is so funny. | ||
| Well, he's so funny, like, he's so Theo. | ||
| Like, I don't know anybody that has his style, even remotely. | ||
| His style is so uniquely him. | ||
| It's so hard to be that unique. | ||
| And you watch him and you're like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This isn't cultivated. | ||
| This isn't... | ||
| It's who he is. | ||
| It's just who he is, how he... | ||
| And he was able to... | ||
| That's not easy to do, is be as funny as you are with your friends on stage. | ||
| And he's worked really hard at it. | ||
| And he's just... | ||
| He's nailed it. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Well, he's just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's just got this thing that when he's funny, like Brody had this thing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like if you wrote the things down that they say on paper, it's not funny. | ||
| But you see them in person and you're fucking dying. | ||
| They just figure out a rhythm of comedy that just didn't exist before them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brody, it was unfortunate with some of the clips that were going around of him to like... | ||
| That people saw for the first time where he would do late night... | ||
| He wasn't the Brody that we all talk of as... | ||
| Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Well, those late night spots... | ||
| They're never... | ||
| No one understands. | ||
| You have to be in the room, first of all. | ||
| You have to realize that this is a fucking 2 o'clock in the morning set of a show that started at 8 p.m. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I mean, and... | ||
| Also, like... | ||
| And I don't know if you'll agree with this, but my take on stand-up is... | ||
| Even anybody that's... | ||
| Even the most brilliant comedian... | ||
| When you watch them on a special... | ||
| It's 70% as funny as if you see them live. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Might be less. | ||
| Might be less. | ||
| Might be 60% as funny. | ||
| Joe, you're nailing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never liked someone more on a special than I've seen them live. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| When you're there, there's a crackling in the air when someone's on stage. | ||
| There's a feeling when you're in the room with them, and they're saying it live. | ||
| Part of what stand-up is, is it's happening right in front of you. | ||
| When you watch a Netflix special, you know that shit took place in May. | ||
| If someone watches Bang It, I'm sure it's hilarious. | ||
| But you know it happened in May. | ||
| You're not in the room. | ||
| It's a recreation. | ||
| It's a recreation of something. | ||
| I forget how great stand-up can be sometimes to just watch. | ||
| I do my set and I leave. | ||
| Sometimes you have to hang out and watch people. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so good. | |
| I still love it. | ||
| You're always watching. | ||
| You're good about that. | ||
| I watch it and I try to blow up people that are coming up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like up and coming people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Same. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were watching. | ||
| How do you pronounce her last name? | ||
| Laura Beetz? | ||
| Is that how you say her last name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I've never heard of her. | ||
| It's on my Instagram page the other day. | ||
| Me and Kreischer. | ||
| We did a set in the main room. | ||
| Sold out set in the main room. | ||
| And then how do you say her last name? | ||
| Jesus Christ, she's funny, though. | ||
| She was performing in front of 12 fucking people in the OR, and Bert and I said, let's just sit down and watch some comedy for a while. | ||
| And she's murdering. | ||
| And Adam Egott had been telling me about her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess it might be Lara. | |
| L-A-R-A-B-E-I-T-Z. B-E-I-T-Z. Fucking murderer. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| She's a murderer. | ||
| And so while she was on stage... | ||
| There's 12 people in the audience, and the audience doubled during the time she was on stage. | ||
| L-A-R-A-B-E-I-T-Z is her Instagram. | ||
| Oh, I love it! | ||
| I'm telling you, the fucking play, we were dying. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| She was murdering. | ||
| Look at what you did. | ||
| That's awesome, dude. | ||
| 1.30 a.m. | ||
| spot. | ||
| Dude, I gotta see her. | ||
| I mean, that's what the Comedy Store's all about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, one day, you're gonna see that girl, she's gonna have a Netflix special. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you're gonna say, I remember, I was at the fucking Comedy Store, it was 1.30 in the morning, the show, like, we were thinking about leaving, and this lady went up and murdered. | ||
| Stand-up is so great. | ||
| It's the best! | ||
| I'm so lucky I stumbled into it. | ||
| But if you took that clip and then made a video out of it and put it on YouTube and a tiny little screen and watched it on your phone, you're not going to get the real feeling that Burt and I got sitting in the back of the room watching her. | ||
| You're just not going to get it. | ||
| No. | ||
| You've got to go see Comedy Live. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| That's what basically specials are, right? | ||
| They're like ads. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're showing people how good we are so they'll come see us live. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But it's way better live. | ||
| But ads are never as good as the movie. | ||
| I always tell people to go to shows alone because I feel like so many people miss out on going to see comedy. | ||
| To tell people to go to shows alone? | ||
| Always. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because, dude, so many people aren't going to your shows because they can't find friends to go and they feel like losers if they go alone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people don't do things because they think, oh, if I can't find a date or I can't find a friend, then I'm not going to go. | ||
| So many people miss out on stuff and it's like I encourage people, go alone because I think it's so cool. | ||
| It's also better because you don't have to check in on whoever you brought with you. | ||
| Sometimes you just are like, I don't want to go alone, so you pick a bunch of people that you're like, what if they don't enjoy it and you're checking in on them and if you laugh too hard at something that's That you're like, oh no, they think I relate to that too much and you're worried the whole time. | ||
| When you go alone, you're fucking free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think too much. | |
| I'm thinking too much on behalf of people who are missing out on shows because they feel insecure about going alone. | ||
| Go alone. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| I've never thought that once. | ||
| You think so much, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I never thought that. | ||
| You're all about thinking. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, go by yourself if no one wants to go with you, but if not, go with your friends. | ||
| But what if you don't have friends? | ||
| Get some friends. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Some people don't have friends, Joe. | ||
| They should have friends. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They should make friends. | ||
| Get some friends. | ||
| Well, I think they should go to a show alone and make friends with other people going alone. | ||
| Boy, how do you find them? | ||
| Maybe you try to make friends with someone and they're with their wife. | ||
| You're like, hey, you fuck. | ||
| Get away. | ||
| She's in the bathroom. | ||
| Trying to make friends with people that are with somebody else. | ||
| Hey, man, this isn't a place to make friends. | ||
| It's a place to see a show. | ||
| Well, my shows are. | ||
| I just connected two people last night that are going alone to my show. | ||
| Do you know who has the record of the most people that buy single tickets? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Marc Maron. | ||
| Oh, that makes sense. | ||
| Totally makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to eclipse him. | ||
| Because he's kind of alienated. | ||
| He's that guy, you know? | ||
| Yeah, he's alone in a shed. | ||
| Connects with people. | ||
| He's not in the shed anymore. | ||
| He got a new spot. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Moving on up, like the Jeffersons. | ||
| But that's a thing. | ||
| Like, I've had people say, hey, if I come to your show by myself, am I a loser? | ||
| I'm like, no! | ||
| I've gone to things by myself. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Go to things by yourself. | ||
| Nothing wrong with it. | ||
| Go to things by yourself. | ||
| But also, find some friends. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| Some people don't have friends. | ||
| They just need to do something where they'll find camaraderie in what they do. | ||
| It's one of the things about jujitsu that's really wonderful is that people that do jujitsu, they find friends that also do jujitsu. | ||
| You become friends with these people that are into this difficult thing. | ||
| Listen, I'm sold on jujitsu. | ||
| I haven't met a damn person who's tried it and doesn't become obsessed with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| And good self-defense for the ladies, right? | ||
| Very good for the ladies. | ||
| Like the best self-defense. | ||
| The best of all of them? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because look how small your hands are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not going to punch somebody in the face and hurt them. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's just too many men are too big, too hard. | ||
| But you can defend yourself with jiu-jitsu. | ||
| You'll understand grappling. | ||
| And if you get a hold of someone's neck, you can choke them unconscious. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I let you wrap your arms around my neck and I show you how to do it and I don't resist, you can put me to sleep. | ||
| Really. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Legitimately, especially with your legs. | ||
| Like, women who know how to use their legs correctly, and they learn how to choke people with their legs, a guy tries to get on top of you, you could strangle him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't have any defense technique in my backpack. | ||
| Like, I have nothing. | ||
| If a guy attacked me, I'm always just like, well, I'm just dead. | ||
| Like, I need to learn something. | ||
| Just be annoying. | ||
| Just start just berating him. | ||
| Done it. | ||
| It's working. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what I'll do. | ||
| I'll just start talking and trying to psychoanalyze him. | ||
| And be like, you're only attacking me right now because your mother didn't love you enough and you hate women and I remind you of your mom in some way that set you off and now you're trying to rape me. | ||
| Who's killing now? | ||
| If you go to a jiu-jitsu class, maybe that's where you'd meet a good guy. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| More secure. | ||
| That's what I like about your Sober October, the challenge to do a new class where you're like, it's maybe not an athletic adventure, but what are you going to learn? | ||
| Well, yesterday we did gun lessons. | ||
| I loved your caption about that. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| Where you said it's something where I'm like, I got a lot to learn and you like it. | ||
| It was my first time even shooting a pistol in more than 10 years. | ||
| I mean, I hadn't shot a pistol since the last time I shot one on a range, which I think was about 10 years ago. | ||
| I shot rifles. | ||
| The last time I even shot a rifle, though, was a few years ago, like two or three years ago, I think. | ||
| So it was... | ||
| And I mean, obviously, I'm a real beginner when it comes to that. | ||
| And with pistols, I'm a super beginner. | ||
| I didn't know anything. | ||
| So all these folks at this Terran Tactical place were showing Tommy and I how to do it right. | ||
| And it's like, it's a real wake-up call. | ||
| Like, you really don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| And it's something where there's a good, giant... | ||
| Area that you can improve in. | ||
| Knowing nothing. | ||
| I know how to squeeze the trigger. | ||
| I know the sight is here. | ||
| You line it up. | ||
| Pull the trigger. | ||
| Don't jerk the trigger. | ||
| Just pull it. | ||
| But learning it correctly from these people and how to hold the gun correctly to stabilize it and how you're supposed to stand and how you're supposed to lean in and watching men and women do it correctly and show you. | ||
| And you're like, oh, okay, okay, okay. | ||
| Like, woo, this is good. | ||
| This is something I don't know anything about. | ||
| It's It's so exciting when you get one little nugget and it just all of a sudden changes everything and you're like, I would have never figured that out on my own with millions of years of practice. | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| That's why Jiu Jitsu is so good. | ||
| Jiu Jitsu is an ocean. | ||
| It unlocks. | ||
| It's an ocean of possibilities. | ||
| And you're just getting your toes wet on the first day and you're like, oh my god, there's so much to learn. | ||
| I'm going to a voice doctor right now because I don't want to ruin my instrument, which I'm now starting to look at it as an instrument that I was never taught how to play. | ||
| I'm just freestyling on this fucking saxophone. | ||
| We don't get lessons for our voice. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Have you ever taken any? | ||
| No, but it's a good idea though. | ||
| I mean, you talk so much. | ||
| Have you ever lost your... | ||
| Do you lose your voice ever? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, well then you're probably talking the right way. | ||
| I yell a lot too. | ||
| Yeah, but you probably scream in a really efficient way or yell in an efficient way. | ||
| I think you just have strong vocal cords. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I'm learning stuff that I'm like, whoa, I didn't even know. | ||
| Like, there's three places where your voice can come from. | ||
| Your throat, your mouth, and your nose. | ||
| And I'm talking all throat, and that's why I'm getting polyps developing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're getting polyps? | |
| I mean, I'm getting stuff, growths on it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because I don't know how to talk. | ||
| And it's just, my vocal cords are slamming all day, and they develop calluses after they slam. | ||
| And those are like the... | ||
| And I'm going to have to have them surgically removed. | ||
| I'm going to lose my voice if I don't... | ||
| They're like, you're here right in the nick of time. | ||
| So I do voice exercises every day, and I'm loving it. | ||
| I start out, I go... | ||
| Wait. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| Now that's opening up your throat and it's making you realize that the vibrations in your face cause a lot of the sound. | ||
| So it's your nose and your mouth that you can focus on creating the sound that comes out of your, that makes the air. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Then you go... | ||
| And you're supposed to make your whole face vibrate. | ||
| Feel it in your face. | ||
| Right now people are screaming at their fucking... | ||
| They're fucking hating this, and you should. | ||
| So yeah, I'm just in my house going, never Monday, never Monday, never Monday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never Monday, never Monday, never Monday, never Monday. | |
| That's still a little throaty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Home. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's learning. | ||
| But it's like, I never thought about it. | ||
| It's changing everything. | ||
| Do you know how to play an instrument? | ||
| No. | ||
| No interest? | ||
| None. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| I mean, I would like to know, but... | ||
| If I did, I would get into it. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I don't have any time. | ||
| You don't have any time. | ||
| No. | ||
| I feel like this is a practical application for learning how to shoot people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, it's probably good. | ||
| It's good to know. | ||
| Yeah, you're entertaining people enough. | ||
| You don't need to add a guitar. | ||
| Well, I just... | ||
| I don't want to get obsessed. | ||
| That's my... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't have interest because you don't have time. | |
| Why get crazy? | ||
| Because you'll get obsessed. | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| Like, that's my crazy. | ||
| I'm not a junkie. | ||
| Like, you put heroin in front of me, I have no interest. | ||
| But if there's something that's interesting and it's hard to do, the problem is I get obsessed with things. | ||
| Like, really obsessed. | ||
| It takes over my whole day. | ||
| What was the last one? | ||
| Archery. | ||
| Archery was the last one. | ||
| Yeah, bow hunting. | ||
| And do you still practice it? | ||
| All day. | ||
| I've got two ranges in the studio. | ||
| I've got a game out there. | ||
| Have you seen the game? | ||
| The techno hunt game? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'll show it to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| There's a fucking archery game where there's a Kevlar screen and I have these different broadheads that are flat at the end like the head of a nail. | ||
| Don't call it more than that. | ||
| Broadheads? | ||
| No, broads. | ||
| Broad's a weird one, right? | ||
| Like, is that a negative? | ||
| Some chicks like it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's like, it's fun. | ||
| She's a classy broad. | ||
| Yeah, it's not negative. | ||
| Sounds like a powerful 80s lady. | ||
| Yeah, broad's not like, uh, like, what's a negative? | ||
| I mean, other than, like... | ||
| Slit. | ||
| Hole. | ||
| Oh, I've never heard of slit. | ||
| Yeah, you're just a couple of slits. | ||
| I've heard hole before. | ||
| That's what Opie and Anthony used to call the girl who was on the morning... | ||
| The third chair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The hole. | |
| The hole. | ||
| As a whole, I feel... | ||
| Figuratively and literally, because there was holes in the show, because when they would talk, the only reason why they were there was they were a woman. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Someone like, we need a woman on the show, so they'd get some chick, and she would just say, I just feel like you guys are not letting me talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guys! | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been on shows where the girl was a hole. | ||
| Yeah, I have too. | ||
| But I've been on shows where the guy was a fucking hole too. | ||
| Oh yeah, there's a lot of just holy shows. | ||
| Those shows are kind of dying. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're dying. | ||
| Because of this. | ||
| Those morning shows, because of this. | ||
| Because there are more interesting people that know how to make people laugh. | ||
| Well, there's no reason to listen to them. | ||
| And then every fucking 15 minutes, there's some new goddamn commercial for fucking Tom's Dodge. | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, hey, this is Tom and Tom's fucking Dodge show. | |
| Hey, so you come! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| And you get so bored. | ||
| You get so bored listening to their nonsense. | ||
| You just nailed it, and you just sold me a Dodge. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Get yourself a Dodge! | ||
| Dodge Ram! | ||
| It's on a discount! | ||
| Yeah, but those morning shows, you would go to those shows, and some would be really cool. | ||
| Some of them would be awesome. | ||
| But then there was other ones that you could tell they really wanted to be a comic, but they were scared. | ||
| But they knew that you needed them to sell tickets, so they were kind of country with you. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| I go in, I take those shows over to show them how it's done. | ||
| I want to show your listeners what real comedy is and what actual jokes are. | ||
| Do you have to go to those anymore? | ||
| Do you still do those? | ||
| I still love doing them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| Really? | ||
| I'm a morning person. | ||
| I get up. | ||
| I like to make the rounds. | ||
| I like to go in. | ||
| I learned from Burt Kreischer. | ||
| He was the first person. | ||
| He was a headliner when I was working with him as a feature act back in West Virginia. | ||
| Sorry, Virginia Beach, Funny Bone, Dayton. | ||
| Where else were we? | ||
| We were all over. | ||
| I was always working with him just randomly. | ||
| Richmond, Virginia. | ||
| He would take me to radio, which he did not need to do. | ||
| But he was like, you want to come tomorrow? | ||
| And I'm like, as a feature act, sure. | ||
| And I would just see how he would walk in and take over a show and make it his own. | ||
| And they fucking loved him. | ||
| And he would sell more tickets. | ||
| And he was having fun doing it. | ||
| And so when I do morning TV or do radio, I always just go. | ||
| I'm my freest self. | ||
| And I feel... | ||
| They're always like, oh, she's out of control. | ||
| Because you say anything on there and it's like, dump button! | ||
| You just go in. | ||
| I go on TV shows with no makeup. | ||
| I look like faces of meth whenever I'm going onto a fucking market. | ||
| I literally look so disgusting. | ||
| I can't care anymore because no one's watching these morning TV shows. | ||
| And I go in with no makeup. | ||
| The lighting is so bright. | ||
| Everyone's wearing so... | ||
| All the women look... | ||
| I look like a man because... | ||
| Without makeup on, as a woman on TV, you look like a man. | ||
| You just do, because women wear too much makeup. | ||
| So by comparison, you look like a man. | ||
| And I just go in, and sometimes I just have an open sore on my face. | ||
| I feel so free doing those shows. | ||
| I think I'll do it as long as they ask me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| Even when you're selling out arenas and shit, you still go back? | ||
| Oh, maybe not then. | ||
| Maybe just some of my favorites, like the good ones. | ||
| But I get a kick out of it. | ||
| I love radio. | ||
| Bert and Tom know how to take over a morning show. | ||
| Those morning TV shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Do you ever see Tom would go on as this character, DJ Dadmouth? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, he would tell them that he's poly and bi and non-binary. | ||
| And he would wear sunglasses and fur coats and he would wear gold chains. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Because he was so bored and the shows were already sold out. | ||
| So they were making him do these things because they had relationships with the local TV stations. | ||
| And this is before he really blew up from his Netflix specials. | ||
| This is one. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Oh my god, there's multiples! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right! | |
| DJ Dadmouth! | ||
| DJ Dadmouth has a big announcement. | ||
| I love this! | ||
| And DJ Dadmouth does the weather. | ||
| He did it everywhere. | ||
| And the people that were working these shows did not know what the fuck he was talking about. | ||
| He would say, yeah, I'm coming out as poly. | ||
| I'm poly. | ||
| I'm coming out as non-binary. | ||
| He would come out. | ||
| That is so... | ||
| You're right. | ||
| It's completely out of boredom because these shows are so boring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the fur coat with the hood and the giant rope chain. | |
| I like that he had to travel with this. | ||
| Yes, and the sunglasses. | ||
| He planned for this. | ||
| And the fucking interviews were hilarious because that is the lowest rung of show business in terms of competency. | ||
| They are the least entertaining people in all of show business. | ||
| And they panic whenever there's any fucking dead air. | ||
| They don't know what to do. | ||
| He would say something and be like, I don't even know what that means. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| Yeah, it's rough. | ||
| Yeah, you don't do that shit anymore. | ||
| I don't do anything. | ||
| You don't do... | ||
| Yeah, you don't... | ||
| Why don't you go on talk shows and stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| You just don't care? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because I can talk too much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If anybody wants to know what my opinions are, I'm fucking saying them constantly. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| I don't need any more attention. | ||
| I want less attention. | ||
| I would need 10% less attention. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| New question. | ||
| New. | ||
| New direction. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Being famous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Going out places. | ||
| What's it like for you? | ||
| Is it what you wanted? | ||
| Is it what you expected? | ||
| There was some part of you that wanted to be famous at some point in your life. | ||
| I think you want to be famous because you want to be successful. | ||
| In the beginning, people are paying attention to other people. | ||
| Why aren't they paying attention to me? | ||
| Oh, look, Jerry Seinfeld's in the room. | ||
| Nobody even cares if I'm alive. | ||
| I wish they cared that I was here. | ||
| But then once you get it, you go, oh, then you lose your anonymity, and then it's weird. | ||
| And then people react to you differently. | ||
| One of the things my wife said to me, I go, that guy seems like a nice guy. | ||
| She goes, listen, everybody's nice to you. | ||
| She goes, you don't even realize it. | ||
| I see people act like assholes to other people, and then you come in here, and they act like a totally different person. | ||
| I love that she said that. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| My wife says some funny shit. | ||
| She's funnier than me. | ||
| Like, in terms of, like, social situations, she's the funny one. | ||
| Because I'm not, like, I don't try to be funny. | ||
| But she does. | ||
| Like, she gets a kick out of it. | ||
| When social situations, she'll have a couple of drinks, and she's the one that, like, takes over. | ||
| But she's just got good timing. | ||
| Like, one time I'm... | ||
| I was going through this period of time where I was getting massages from dudes because girls just are not good at getting into the deep muscle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I'd get these deep tissue massages from dudes. | ||
| But, you know, it was just when we were staying in a hotel, I got a massage and I came back upstairs and said, fuck, I left my wedding ring back down there. | ||
| So I went back down to the locker room to get my wedding ring and she goes, where was it? | ||
| In his ass? | ||
| Ha ha ha ha! | ||
| But it's the way she said it. | ||
| Like she was actually curious. | ||
| And then she knows she got a zinger off. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| And then I'm dying laughing. | ||
| So she thinks it's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So she said she noticed. | ||
| Like if you didn't know better, you'd probably think she's the comedian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like when we're out. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| But that's one of the reasons why it works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| Because you need a funny... | ||
| But she doesn't want attention, but she likes being funny with us. | ||
| She just gets a kick out of it. | ||
| It's fun for her. | ||
| It's like she doesn't want to play tennis professionally, but she might want to play with her friends. | ||
| That's an ideal partner for a comedian, I believe. | ||
| But she notices that people are nicer to you. | ||
| And you... | ||
| I mean, you have dealt... | ||
| You've seen the shift. | ||
| Everyone's nice now, suddenly. | ||
| And it's not that the world's just gotten nicer. | ||
| You've just gotten more famous. | ||
| How do you... | ||
| Do you... | ||
| What about when you're in public and you find people videotaping you? | ||
| You can sense it when you know that they know who you are. | ||
| This is a funny thing that people do. | ||
| They hold their camera up like you don't know. | ||
| They're looking down at the phone and you're talking to your friend and they're filming it. | ||
| Do you say anything or do you just let it happen? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I'm just a human, dude. | ||
| I'm just a human that more people know. | ||
| Don't be weird. | ||
| You want to take a picture? | ||
| We take a picture together. | ||
| Don't be just filming and pretending you're not filming. | ||
| It's just too strange. | ||
| My friend Sturgill said that he was at an airport and some dude was just holding a phone up while him and his friends were talking. | ||
| And he goes, come on, man. | ||
| He goes, hey, it's the price you pay. | ||
| He's like, no, it's not. | ||
| There's nothing written anywhere. | ||
| The price you pay is you see me at Starbucks talking to my friend and you stick a phone in front of us and film us while we're talking. | ||
| That's just weird. | ||
| But it's just... | ||
| It's also that it's so alien to some people to see a famous person. | ||
| One of the good things about LA is they're used to famous people. | ||
| There's so many famous people out here. | ||
| You see them all the time. | ||
| And it's like you know they're going to be around, so you're like, oh, there's Nikki. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| It's like a safari. | ||
| The animals are in their natural habitat. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| It is cool to see a cheetah, but there's others. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you're in, you know, fucking Louisville and you're walking around and you try to go to a bar, it might get weird. | ||
| Things might go Western. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you've been to Louisville in a bar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you've had to leave that bar. | ||
| Yeah, I've had a few of those moments. | ||
| But most of the time, people are just friendly. | ||
| You just shake their hand. | ||
| And, you know, I have a like the kind of fame I have is like people know me. | ||
| It's a weird kind of fame. | ||
| It's like because of the podcast, they know me. | ||
| Oh, they know you so well. | ||
| It's not like Daniel Day-Lewis where you have no idea what he's like. | ||
| Like, I'm going to go talk to him. | ||
| I wonder what he sounds like. | ||
| I wonder what he talks like. | ||
| That's a really good point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They know you. | ||
| I mean, I've had guys ask me out or propose that we should date because they're like... | ||
| There was this one guy recently who discovered me in one day and he knew he was going to see me that night at the meet and greet at the show. | ||
| And I think he had seen my roast kind of went viral last week or two weeks ago. | ||
| So he saw that and he was like, oh my god, she's in Irvine tonight. | ||
| And he bought a meet and greet ticket and he listened to me all day. | ||
| He was like, I listened to you on Rogan for three hours, then I listened to this podcast. | ||
| I mean, he was listening to me all day. | ||
| So for him, we spent a whole day together where I was telling him all my deepest insecurities. | ||
| I mean, I get real on these things and people... | ||
| Feel connected to you. | ||
| And then he comes to the meet and greet and his energy is so strong and like, we should be together type energy. | ||
| Like, he didn't say that, but he's just like... | ||
| I just go, this guy spent all day with me, and I don't know him at all. | ||
| And I knew that going in, and I kind of just shoot him. | ||
| We took a picture, it was nice, but I was like, he came the next night again, because you could tell he went home and was like, I blew it, my one shot. | ||
| And he bought a meet and greet again, which I'm like, you sat through this show again? | ||
| It's the same fucking show? | ||
| And he had a second chance, and he tried to touch me low on my way, and I just took his hand like, get up. | ||
| No. | ||
| But they feel like they know you. | ||
| But that's a weird thing, when someone tries to touch you low on your waist, like right by your butt, and they can't wait to touch your butt. | ||
| They're like, let me just touch the top of her butt. | ||
| I'm grateful that anyone even thinks I have an ass worthy to touch, because I have such a flat ass, so when it does get touched, I'm kind of like, flattered. | ||
| But, don't do it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| It ultimately makes me feel not good at all. | ||
| I mean, my friend Andrew will be watching me, because it's happened so many times where guys casually just put their hand on my ass when they're taking a picture. | ||
| And it's... | ||
| And no one ever sees it. | ||
| I'll have security guards watching, and I'll be like, well, you just watch for men touching me in weird places, because it's always weird for me to call out, because it's in front of their wife, and I don't want to embarrass them and make it a thing. | ||
| So I just go like, I'd rather someone else call it out, and security guards will watch, and I'll walk up to them and be like, did you not see that guy? | ||
| And they're like, no, I was watching. | ||
| And I'm like, it's so stealthy and subtle, the way that a guy can put his thing, just his... | ||
| This is what they do your back and then when they're done with the picture they'll just go like like their hand will like oh I'm just my hands just gravity and it'll graze your whole backside and what it does is just like god man you don't respect me I just was on stage you paid to see me you had to sit and be quiet the whole time I demanded a sort of respect in that moment and you've just taken that from me it just makes me feel gross I don't know if it's that they don't respect you, it's that they're trying to get away with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They think like, maybe she won't even notice, so I just let my hand go limp and just go down her thigh. | |
| But don't they want me to notice? | ||
| So I'm like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Depends on the person. | ||
| Yeah, but it happens, and with women, it happens a ton. | ||
| Women, definitely, like... | ||
| Do you know who grabs me? | ||
| Older ladies that are drunk. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Older ladies that are drunk will just grab my ass. | ||
| I've had, like... | ||
| Not okay. | ||
| Late 40s ladies get a couple of pops in them, ladies night out. | ||
| They were hot in their 20s. | ||
| They were like the type of girl that like... | ||
| I feel them feeling my back. | ||
| They're like literally squeezy like a horse, like checking the meat. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| Ladies, it's not okay for you to do to men. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not the same. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| It's not the same because you're not physically threatened by these women. | ||
| I'm like, hey, get out of my ass. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| Any man with their musculature at any size could really overpower me. | ||
| I'm a weak, I'm a tall woman, but I'm a weak woman. | ||
| So any man touching me is like, it's a threat. | ||
| It's a threat. | ||
| It is a threat. | ||
| Not the same with women and men, but still, get the fuck off men, women. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Well, it's just, people are just, and that's another thing about drinking. | ||
| Drunk. | ||
| People get drunk and they make stupid fucking choices that they would never make if they were sober. | ||
| Even smart people. | ||
| Smart people with five drinks are stupid. | ||
| Oh, they're so stupid. | ||
| You get a smart person with five drinks and I'm like, the wrong fucking thing, weird fucking secret desires that never get revealed all of a sudden come popping up. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They start making out with guys. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, what's happening here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch out. | |
| Woo! | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everyone's dumb at seven drinks. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| I think no one's better two drinks and more. | ||
| Like maybe men because you have a little bit more tolerance, but it's around two drinks where I'm like, I love a person up until two drinks. | ||
| They'll get better. | ||
| And then after two drinks, I'm like, I'm kind of out. | ||
| They're slow. | ||
| They're slow. | ||
| They're loud. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They're close to your face. | ||
| Would you prefer four drinks or cocaine? | ||
| See, I haven't... | ||
| I'll take four drinks over Coke every day of the week. | ||
| Now, tell me why, because I guess I'm not around enough Coke heads. | ||
| They talk too much. | ||
| They talk too much, and they want to get really close to you, and they want to keep talking, and they talk fast. | ||
| It's like Adderall people. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| It's always about them. | ||
| The thing about speed... | ||
| Amphetamines, it's always a self-serving conversation. | ||
| It's always about you. | ||
| It's always about what you're gonna do. | ||
| It's always about who's fucking you over and who's keeping you from doing this and you're gonna do that and you know this because you're smart and everybody else is stupid but you're not. | ||
| That's coke talk. | ||
| Did you ever do coke? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, never. | |
| Me neither. | ||
| Never did it. | ||
| I got lucky. | ||
| I knew, I had a good buddy of mine, his cousin sold it, and I watched his whole life fall apart. | ||
| He was doing coke constantly. | ||
| He lost a shitload of weight. | ||
| And I remember thinking, oh my god, he got bit by a vampire. | ||
| Like, this guy got infected. | ||
| And you were like nuts. | ||
| I was so scared of it. | ||
| A few people in my neighborhood would do coke, and it always went bad. | ||
| It always went bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, good for you. | |
| So I just, I recognized that real early. | ||
| I was like, that's a bad one. | ||
| I did it one time with Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Hollow! | ||
| I didn't mean to, but I was just... | ||
| I really didn't mean to. | ||
| It was at the Kansas City... | ||
| Stanford& Sons in Kansas City. | ||
| Oh, that place. | ||
| You have to do coke there. | ||
| I think it's part of the contract. | ||
| All week, I didn't talk to Doug. | ||
| I was so scared of him. | ||
| I was emceeing. | ||
| I was in college still. | ||
| The last night, Saturday night after the late show, he had his whole entourage back to his hotel room to hang out. | ||
| I was invited. | ||
| I went, just sitting quietly in the corner. | ||
| He has a bunch of coke on the desk that he's doing, and no one else is really doing it. | ||
| They're just kind of watching him do it. | ||
| Then he gets a call. | ||
| From the front desk, it's like, hey, your car's here. | ||
| He had an early morning flight, and he's like, I'm not taking this with me. | ||
| Does anyone want it? | ||
| And I was like, I'll bring it back to my friends at college. | ||
| That's a lot of Coke, and maybe I'll sell it. | ||
| How much Coke were you talking about? | ||
| It was like a pile of it. | ||
| What did it look like, the pile? | ||
| Describe it. | ||
| Like a golf ball? | ||
| Yeah, golf ball. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's a lot of coke. | ||
| Yeah, it's a lot. | ||
| And I was like, I'll take it. | ||
| And he was like, okay. | ||
| And he hands me a rolled up dollar bill. | ||
| And I was like, oh, he thought he meant now. | ||
| And I was like 20 and insecure and wanting to be cool. | ||
| So I was like, ah, if any excuse, do it. | ||
| And so I did it. | ||
| And then I went home and fucking cleaned my apartment. | ||
| Did you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I went home and cleaned and like wrote an essay that I needed to write. | ||
| And I was like, that shit's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But It's just like doing Ritalin and Adderall. | ||
| You get shit done, but there's a price. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| It's a B-minus of a paper. | ||
| It's whenever I have something... | ||
| I've taken Adderall to get stuff done. | ||
| In terms of creativity? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's going to suffer. | ||
| Joey Diaz used to be a big coke head. | ||
| One of the things he said, he goes, there's no soul in what you say. | ||
| He goes, when you're doing coke, there's no soul in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's all about you. | ||
| Like you said, it's just empty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's just weird. | ||
| It's weirdly disconnected, you know? | ||
| Like, you know the movie Showgirls? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It's one of my favorite bad movies of all time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's a Coke movie. | ||
| Like, you could tell. | ||
| The people who made that movie were doing Coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's a ridiculous movie. | ||
| Like, who the fuck greenlit this thing? | ||
| Who said yes? | ||
| They were doing Coke. | ||
| Because that was the 90s. | ||
| And in the 90s, a lot of people did Coke. | ||
| It was a Coke movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think. | ||
| I mean, it's just my opinion. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong. | ||
| What was the last psychedelic trip you had? | ||
| I did mushrooms a couple months ago. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| How was that? | ||
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
| Where'd you do them? | ||
| Did them with Ari on the show. | ||
| We did them during a podcast. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And do you guys start tripping during the podcast? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we're having fun. | ||
| What does it sound like? | ||
| It was great. | ||
| The podcast was great. | ||
| We didn't take too much, but we took enough. | ||
| Like, no one can tell when you're on them. | ||
| Like, you can still function normally? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it depends on how far you go. | ||
| You guys are still funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can go down the rabbit hole, though. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You can go down the rabbit hole and be incoherent. | ||
| Mushrooms, it's dose-dependent. | ||
| I mean, what you're doing is, like, you're getting, you know, you take a little bit, you're, like, shaking hands with the angels. | ||
| but you're not going to heaven. | ||
| You're not going to visit them. | ||
| You're like, hi, how are you? | ||
| Oh my God, you're so wonderful. | ||
| But you're not like riding on their wings going to the other dimension. | ||
| But if you take enough, that's where you go. | ||
| If you take enough, you're not talking to anybody. | ||
| And have you done LSD? | ||
| And good? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Great experience? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you had a bad experience on that? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| But I took it later in life. | ||
| I don't think it's... | ||
| I think most of these psychedelics where you have bad experiences, what you're having is your own psychological dilemma and then your battle with whatever the drug or the psychedelic is trying to do to you versus what your ego is trying to control and keep it from happening. | ||
| I mean, I've seen a lot of people have bad trips. | ||
| Some of the worst trips I've ever seen people have was from edible pot. | ||
| Edible pot is one of the strongest things that people don't recognize. | ||
| It's a very different drug than smoking it. | ||
| And when you think of things that can take you down the rabbit hole, you don't think of edible pot. | ||
| People think of pot as just like, oh, you're going to get high. | ||
| Maybe you can get too high, but you're just getting high. | ||
| But when you eat it, it's a completely different animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Literally, like physiologically, it's a different animal. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it creates something called 11-hydroxymetabolite that's five times more psychoactive than THC. What? | ||
| It's not even psychoactive in smoking it. | ||
| It's a different drug. | ||
| It does feel different. | ||
| It's a totally different drug. | ||
| That makes complete sense. | ||
| Yeah, it's a different drug. | ||
| It's processed by your liver. | ||
| There's something called a one-pass. | ||
| It passes through your liver and the THC gets processed into 11-hydroxymetabolite. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You should Google it. | ||
| It's trippy shit. | ||
| It's way stronger. | ||
| Way stronger. | ||
| I've got some micro-dose versions of mushrooms. | ||
| I've had two of them. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It just made things a little bit brighter. | ||
| Makes it nice. | ||
| Have you ever micro-dosed? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know who does that all the time? | ||
| Ron White. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Ron White's a micro-dosing motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I'm on this new drug. | ||
| It's called mushrooms, and I just take a little bit every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Yeah, I know a lot of people that do that. | ||
| A lot, like dozens. | ||
| Dozens of people who microdose, including fighters. | ||
| I know a lot of fighters who microdose. | ||
| Yeah, I forgot that I was even on any. | ||
| I was just like, oh, this room looks cooler. | ||
| Yeah, you just feel better. | ||
| I was like, oh yeah, I ate that little piece. | ||
| Yeah, you just feel a little better. | ||
| And you're like, what is, oh, I took mushrooms! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| I forgot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you hear that Ari spiked Bert's drink with Molly? | ||
| What? | ||
| They did a podcast together and Ari dumped Molly into Bert's drink. | ||
| Wait, is that why Bert's wife isn't talking to Ari anymore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Wait, that's what... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| During a podcast, in his house, in Bert's house. | ||
| And what? | ||
| What? | ||
| With his family home. | ||
| Ari is so crazy! | ||
| I don't trust him for a second. | ||
| I'm so scared of Ari Shafir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So crazy. | |
| He is fucking crazy. | ||
| I've seen him just like ask about my life and be like interested and I'll like open up to him and then he'll like use it against me later on. | ||
| I'm like, this guy, I don't try. | ||
| Yeah, he'll just like store up things. | ||
| Use it against you? | ||
| Not use it against, well. | ||
| To be funny. | ||
| I think he's evil. | ||
| I think Gary Shafir is secretly evil. | ||
| Secretly evil? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| I think he's a good... | ||
| I like him, but I don't trust him. | ||
| Because he spiked Berks... | ||
| He gave his friend Molly. | ||
| That's not okay. | ||
| It's not okay. | ||
| But wait, that's hilarious, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's still hilarious. | ||
| It's more funny than it is crazy. | ||
| That's what he's trying to accomplish. | ||
| And that's what I do like about Ari. | ||
| They were both on Molly because Ari took it himself. | ||
| And then the podcast is going on and Ari starts dancing. | ||
| He's like sort of dancing and moving. | ||
| And Bert's like, what do you want, Molly? | ||
| He goes, are you? | ||
| And Bert's like, what? | ||
| And then all of a sudden. | ||
| And then he realizes, like, what? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| He realizes, and Ari's like, I put some in your drink. | ||
| He's like, and he's home with his family. | ||
| Okay, I kind of want Ari to spike my drink, and I want that to be the excuse to do Molly. | ||
| Just do it. | ||
| Ari? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Don't do it again. | ||
| Don't do it to me. | ||
| I'm giving you consent to do it to me in a sneaky podcast. | ||
| I think that would be so fun. | ||
| Joe, that's my thing. | ||
| I need an excuse to be bad. | ||
| That's why I like bondage. | ||
| It's like, oh no, I can't do this. | ||
| I'm forced to do this dirty thing. | ||
| I don't really want to do this, but you're making me. | ||
| That's why I did Dancing with the Stars. | ||
| I'm like, you made me wear this swimsuit on TV. I cannot be a slut. | ||
| What's the shoulder thing? | ||
| It's just like, helpless slut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| Like, I need an excuse to be bad, to be what I really want to be, which is high, slutty, and mean. | ||
| Like, roast? | ||
| Roast. | ||
| It's an excuse to be mean. | ||
| It's an excuse to be evil. | ||
| I had to do these jokes. | ||
| You had to. | ||
| What, am I going to go to a roast and compliment everyone? | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| So there's always a, I had to. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Well, you just gave Ari the excuse, and believe me, he's going to capitalize on it. | ||
| I really do want to do Molly. | ||
| Why don't you just do it with him? | ||
| Not with him. | ||
| I mean, I guess I'm already asking. | ||
| Someone recently was like... | ||
| The face! | ||
| The face you made! | ||
| You're like, not with him. | ||
| No, I actually do... | ||
| I would do it with... | ||
| Someone recommended him to be my shaman on a trip and I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I don't trust him to be my shaman for ayahuasca. | ||
| You can trust Ari. | ||
| Well, he's never done ayahuasca. | ||
| Oh, well, whatever. | ||
| Maybe mushrooms. | ||
| You can trust him for that, for sure. | ||
| To lead me up that mountain? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Look, you could trust Ari. | ||
| Ari was just mad at Bert. | ||
| It's not logical. | ||
| It's not tenable. | ||
| I don't agree with him. | ||
| But he was mad at Bert. | ||
| The whole reason why we do Sober October was we were trying to get Bert sober. | ||
| And Bert was, you know, we were worried about his health. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ridiculously overweight, and he's also on high blood pressure medication, but yet he still drinks every fucking night. | ||
| We're like, this is crazy, man. | ||
| You've got to stop doing this. | ||
| And so the original reason for Sober October was to try to sober Bert up. | ||
| It started off four years ago. | ||
| There was a weight loss challenge between Tom and Bert. | ||
| And during the whole weight loss challenge, Bert kept drinking. | ||
| This is how fucked up he is. | ||
| He's trying to win this big thing, and at the end of it, he only fell short by a few pounds. | ||
| But he was drinking the whole time. | ||
| He still couldn't help himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole time. | |
| So then the next year, we were like, okay, we've got to figure out a way to get birds over. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| Let's even go sober for the whole month of October. | ||
| And Bert was like, what? | ||
| He was hemming and hawing. | ||
| He didn't want to do it. | ||
| I said, I'll do it too. | ||
| We'll all do it. | ||
| We'll all be sober. | ||
| So that's what kicked off October number one. | ||
| That was three years ago. | ||
| And we made a challenge. | ||
| We're going to be sober for the whole month. | ||
| And we're going to have to do 15 hot yoga classes. | ||
| Which is fun. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| And you know, Bert did it and he had no problems. | ||
| He was sober for the whole month and he actually did get healthier and he looked better. | ||
| But then the next year got too crazy. | ||
| The next year we decided to have a fitness challenge. | ||
| Oh God, that was so insane. | ||
| That went crazy. | ||
| That was hard to watch. | ||
| That was crazy. | ||
| Watching you guys just give up your lives. | ||
| Yeah, give up everything. | ||
| For those points. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seven hours a day I was doing. | ||
| I mean, you talked about that one day that your heart rate was at maximum. | ||
| It was at 80% heart rate max. | ||
| For five hours? | ||
| It was more than that because you get one minute. | ||
| For one minute at 80% heart rate, you get one point. | ||
| And I had 1,100 minutes. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's torture. | ||
| I'm so glad you guys pulled back this year. | ||
| It was so crazy. | ||
| I was obsessed. | ||
| Is Burt getting sober? | ||
| Is this working? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, Burt can't wait to drink again. | ||
| We're going to lose Burt Kreischer. | ||
| He shouldn't be drinking at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, that high blood pressure shit is no joke. | ||
| That's how people get strokes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, you really shouldn't be drinking at all. | ||
| But he did cut back on sugar, and he said he had lost, what did he say he lost, like 20 pounds? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Something like that? | ||
| Bert Kreischer can do anything. | ||
| Yeah, he can. | ||
| That guy can really do anything. | ||
| He needs to stop drinking. | ||
| Yes, he does. | ||
| But he loves drinking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| He loves going on stage and taking his shirt off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| He loves being the life of the party. | ||
| But I don't want to lose the life of the party because we're enabling this life of the party. | ||
| See, the thing is, that party thing that he does, it's sort of dependent upon alcohol. | ||
| That's part of the image that he's created. | ||
| And we talked about on the podcast the other day that Kinison had the same problem. | ||
| They would just lay these giant lines of coke. | ||
| They're like, oh, oh, it's him! | ||
| It's him! | ||
| They lay that Coke out to the point where no one can do that kind of Coke. | ||
| Yeah, if Burt goes into a town and isn't down to drink, and that's the whole thing. | ||
| And he invites the audience to go out with him after the show, and they all drink together. | ||
| And he's doing double. | ||
| So he's having double Tito's, and he's drinking like fucking 20 drinks a night. | ||
| I can't believe how much he's able to accomplish with his drinking habits. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Think of what he'd be able to do without it. | ||
| I don't know if that's the case, though. | ||
| But half of what he's accomplished is accomplished because of his stand-up, and half of his stand-up is his partying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like he's a funny guy. | ||
| He would always be a funny comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Always. | |
| But whether or not he can accept that without the alcohol, whether or not he can embrace that without the alcohol. | ||
| He's not an alcoholic in the sense that he's not addicted to alcohol, because he did quit two years in a row for a whole month without a problem. | ||
| He really did do it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And, you know, he says it's not a big deal. | ||
| He goes, I miss it. | ||
| I'd like to have a drink, but I'm okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So he's not, like, he didn't get the shakes, and his fucking psychologist was telling him not to do it. | ||
| Yeah, the psychologist was like, yeah, maybe this is probably not the thing for you to quit drinking. | ||
| And he was like, my fucking shrink told me to stop. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Not to stop. | ||
| Yeah, which is crazy. | ||
| But I just, you know, I reasoned, because quitting drinking for me, it felt like so much of my identity to drink, and I talked about it on stage. | ||
| I mean, it wasn't anywhere as wrapped up as Bert is in it, but... | ||
| He's had enough fun. | ||
| You've had your whole life of doing this. | ||
| You've been the party animal since... | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He's just starting to kill it. | ||
| He's selling out theaters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Left and right. | ||
| He's doing great right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Netflix specials elevated him. | ||
| All of his Instagram stuff. | ||
| Every time we do these Sober October things, he sells way more tickets. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I love him so much. | ||
| But he could be funny no matter what. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| He's a comic. | ||
| Everybody who's funny is funny no matter what. | ||
| They're so scared. | ||
| If I get on Zoloft, if I talk to someone about my issues, if I talk about the anger I have towards my father, am I going to be funny on the other side of it? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| Yeah, you're a comic. | ||
| It's a profession. | ||
| It's one of the rare professions where you think you're dependent upon certain substances. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we do know people that got sober and then got boring. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| You didn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You pulled it off. | ||
| But there are people that got sober and then they started to suck. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's quite a few. | ||
| But then there's also people who got sober and got even better, like Dave Attell. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When Dave Attell sobered up, his fucking joke writing just kicked into another level. | ||
| Yeah, because he got addicted to writing. | ||
| Like, he just funneled it all. | ||
| And he also had all the energy. | ||
| More bandwidth. | ||
| Yeah, more energy, more bandwidth. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Nikki Glaser, we gotta wrap this up. | ||
| It's 10 o'clock already. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| This has been so fun. | ||
| We just banged out three hours of talking. | ||
|
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Sigh. | |
| Crazy! | ||
| It flies by. | ||
| Tell everybody your special, Bangin', it's on Netflix. | ||
|
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It's on Netflix. | |
| How do they get a hold of you on the Instagram and on the Twitter? | ||
| Nikki Glaser on Instagram. | ||
| I have a radio show on Sirius XM every morning, Monday through Thursday, 10 to 12 Eastern on Comedy Central Radio. | ||
| So if you have Sirius or a rental car, check that out. | ||
| And I have a podcast of the radio show that comes out every Friday. | ||
| You Up Podcast. | ||
| And I'm going on tour. | ||
| Bang It Out Tour starting January through the spring. | ||
| Tickets on presale now. | ||
| Use code BANGIN for special pricing. | ||
| And my first theater tour. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Good luck with that. | ||
| Thank you Nikki. | ||
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Thanks Joe. | |
| Always a good time. | ||
|
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Always. |
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