Sept. 9, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:25:40
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| One. | ||
| Young Bill Burr! | ||
| Paper Tiger coming out tonight on Netflix! | ||
| Ooh, exciting! | ||
| Are you pumped? | ||
| Yes, I am. | ||
| I'm very excited. | ||
| I think more just to see, you know, just to people see how good it looks. | ||
| It was Mike Binder directed it. | ||
| And, you know, I just, I don't know, I just had this idea for how special I wanted it to look. | ||
| And none of it really had to do with other, like, necessarily comedy specials, more like rock concerts that I saw. | ||
| And not saying it's all, like, super jumpy and stuff, but just sort of like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's weird how the way they shot shit back in the day where they held shots longer so it sucked you in so you kind of felt, not necessarily that you were there, but the presence of being there. | ||
| And I really have this belief that if you fucking go edit really quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, it's like flipping through the channels and each time like your brain resets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like when you go to a show, you're just sitting there looking at the band or looking at the comedian like that. | ||
| It's not like I'm here and I'm in the balcony. | ||
| Now I'm behind you. | ||
| Now I'm up here and all that. | ||
| So we try to make sure like the pacing of it. | ||
| I explained it to him and he was just like, I get it. | ||
| Well, he's a comic. | ||
| So that certainly helps. | ||
| Yeah, so the way he did it, I hope that people see that as opposed to the shit that they normally do. | ||
| Like, how can I get offended? | ||
| Well, they're definitely going to get offended. | ||
| It's a sport now to get offended by comedy. | ||
| It seems like people get excited to be offended. | ||
| I know. | ||
| A lot of the questions I've gotten from people, non-comedians, have been about, you know, Well, in the light of Dave's special, I was just like, weren't you guys all mad at Sebastian like a week ago? | ||
| Now it's Dave. | ||
| Were they mad at him for the VH1 thing? | ||
| No, they weren't. | ||
| One person got mad and wrote something, and then everybody, oh yeah, oh yeah, I didn't realize I didn't like that. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I didn't hear a peep out of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to start it back up for him. | |
| Stop trying to get them all going again. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| I don't know why he did that anyway. | ||
| I was like, those things are never fun. | ||
| You're basically, you know, you're the host of what's a commercial for a bunch of bands. | ||
| It's just, he's a great comic. | ||
| He sells out Madison Square Garden. | ||
| And he did a great job too. | ||
| He did a great job. | ||
| Somebody was talking about... | ||
| Four times in two nights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is crazy. | ||
| He turned over Madison Square Garden like a comedy club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like he's doing an improv. | ||
| Like he's doing the fucking great improv. | ||
| I got two shows Fridays, two shows Saturday. | ||
| Come down to see me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Madison Square Garden. | |
| It's at, oh yeah, Madison Square Garden. | ||
| In the round. | ||
| There was no other way. | ||
| 18,000 people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 18 times. | ||
| Well, I was going to say he could have done Giant Stadium. | ||
| He could have. | ||
| He really could have. | ||
| But it's like, why bother? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why bother doing VH1 Music Awards? | |
| It's just, it's not a good venue for comedy. | ||
| It's not a good, like, people see him. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because Eddie did it, Chris did it. | ||
| I'm going to talk too much to keep this fucking thing going. | ||
| And it's like a legendary old school stand-up gig. | ||
| VH1 Music Awards? | ||
| No, it was MTV. Was it MTV Music Awards? | ||
| They're all the same to me. | ||
| Does VH1 have their own music awards? | ||
| They don't? | ||
| Look at me, I'm fucking so old. | ||
| I don't even know what I'm talking about. | ||
| Are they making CDs? | ||
| Selling CDs after the show? | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I still remember that MTV was cooler than VH1. Does your Jaguar have a CD player? | |
| No. | ||
| Why? | ||
| My car doesn't have one either. | ||
| My Tesla doesn't have a fucking... | ||
| I was trying to do the math. | ||
| Is he subtly insulting me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| You got a cassette tape in there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just saying they don't have them anymore. | |
| I got a VCR in the trunk. | ||
| Somewhere along the line they just stopped making them. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| I was in New York all summer and all those up-and-coming rappers are trying to hand you a CD. It's like, what am I going to do with that? | ||
| They still have CDs? | ||
| Well, then they do something. | ||
| Then they just click on this or scan this and it goes to a Vimeo page. | ||
| And then I'm like, is this guy in my phone now? | ||
| Like, what just happened? | ||
| Does he have my contacts? | ||
| Yeah, so I just kind of steer clear to them. | ||
| I get weirded out by those little Q-scan things. | ||
| Is that what they call them? | ||
| Q-what was it? | ||
| QR code. | ||
| QR code. | ||
| I get weirded out by those things. | ||
| Because your camera goes on it, and then boom, it opens up a website. | ||
| I'm like, what is happening here? | ||
| I'll tell you what's a weird one, is they have home security systems now, where... | ||
| I was reading an ad for this on my podcast, and I was thinking afterwards, a lot of times home, I guess, I don't know, alarm goes off because your window blows open, and then everybody fucking shows up, and it's like, oh, sorry, the window blew open. | ||
| This actually has video cameras, so they can confirm that somebody is in your house But then I'm thinking, like, well, what's to stop them from just turn that on and start watching your life like a show? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Like, hey, hey, hey, they're fighting again. | ||
| Well, for sure, if there's a stream, it's possible for someone to do that. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| If there's a stream that someone can get to. | ||
| No, no, in the contract, it says we would never do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's not like some people don't. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Doorbell camera from Ring has partnered with 400 police forces extending surveillance concerns. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, as long as they're just using it to catch the bad guys, which is going to be what they're saying. | ||
| But there's going to be somebody. | ||
| Somebody has their dick in their hand right now looking at that doorbell. | ||
| It's inevitable. | ||
| And then the way people get obsessed. | ||
| Then you're jerking off just to the woman walking up to the door to go into her house and it's not enough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, I got to see what's behind the door. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Calls up, hey, would you be interested in furthering your security? | ||
| No, I think the doorbell's enough. | ||
| Interesting you say that. | ||
| We just had a case the other day where unfortunately she thought it was enough and it wasn't. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And then sells him that. | ||
| Now he's watching her eating cornflakes. | ||
| It's a slow creep into your life. | ||
| How much time before it's everywhere? | ||
| Before everyone can see everyone everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| But what's weird is younger people have a much different idea of privacy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because this shit has kind of been out there. | ||
| I would not want to be young right now. | ||
| They have a real tough time. | ||
| Dude, when I was younger, when I got my ass kicked, it was over. | ||
| It wasn't video documentation for the rest of my life. | ||
| This is the kid from Rocky Point. | ||
| He's all grown up now. | ||
| And you're trying to get laid in a bar like 20 years later. | ||
| You're like, yes, that happened. | ||
| I was eight. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I was just thinking of that. | ||
| I watched this kid try to throw a triangle up in a street fight. | ||
| And the guy slammed him on his head and punched him unconscious and kept punching him while he was out. | ||
| And then the kid just climbed off of him and walked towards his friends. | ||
| And everybody's like, oh! | ||
| And this guy's lying on the ground, pawing up his arms like... | ||
| Probably experiencing severe brain damage. | ||
| And I'm thinking, what if that was my son? | ||
| You know, what if that's your son? | ||
| You watch some guy slam him on his head and then, as he's unconscious, punch him five, six, seven times in the face. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucked. | ||
| It's fucked. | ||
| That's why I stopped fighting. | ||
| That's why? | ||
| You didn't want to hurt anybody? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I didn't want to be that guy. | ||
| I was like baby fat tough until like fucking sixth grade and then I sort of leaned out and then I was like, I better get funny. | ||
| And then that's when people started to learn how to fight and there was blood and shit. | ||
| And I remember there was this dude, I think I told this stuff before, the kid got off the bus. | ||
| He was fucking jacked. | ||
| The other kid was kind of baby Huey, big guy. | ||
| But the other kid got off the bus first and he just jumped him. | ||
| And then just sat on his chest, and it was like, oh! | ||
| One of those fucking fights. | ||
| And the kid didn't come to school for a week. | ||
| By the time he came back to school, most of the swelling had come down, but he almost looked like he was a cousin. | ||
| It wasn't him. | ||
| Yeah, and I was just like, yeah, I don't want that to happen to me. | ||
| That's one of the darkest things that I've ever heard anybody say about a fight. | ||
| Khabib Nurmagomedov said about Conor McGregor, he goes, I want to change his face. | ||
| See, there's people out there that are like, yeah, there's that, okay, I should stop now, is missing, and you don't want to be underneath all of that. | ||
| They just kept getting worse the older I got. | ||
| That sound of somebody's head hitting the floor. | ||
| The worst is world star hip-hop videos where the worst one I ever saw was this guy was drunk and he was talking shit and one guy knocked him out and then when he's out cold lying down everybody took shots at him. | ||
| I mean everybody in the street. | ||
| People were kicking him in the head and were running up to him, kicking him like a soccer ball, punching him in the face. | ||
| I mean like 10, 15 people doing it. | ||
| Just running up to him, boom, kicking him, running up, punching him. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| How did we get on this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I got a great special coming out. | ||
| Yeah, your comedy special has nothing to do with brain damage or random acts of violence. | ||
| Why'd you decide to do it in England? | ||
| Because I'm a Zeppelin fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It was about doing it at that... | ||
| I just wanted to perform at that venue. | ||
| Royal Albert Hall? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So then I performed there. | ||
| And... | ||
| I had a great time, although it was in my head for a long time, like, during the show. | ||
| I was like, I'm standing where Robert Plant was standing, and John Bonham's drums were fucking right there, and I really had a hard time because... | ||
| While you were doing stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How many shows did you do? | ||
| I just did the one. | ||
| It was in June of last year. | ||
| Wow, you only filmed one show? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That's the first time I did it. | ||
| So then, you know, some of my reps came over, and I was just like, wow, this place is amazing. | ||
| I mean, it was incredible. | ||
| And we just started talking. | ||
| Just going, you think maybe you could shoot a special here? | ||
| I was like, yeah, I don't know. | ||
| And I was like, ah, is my shit going to work over here? | ||
| It will be different. | ||
| Each special, I try to make it be a little different, a different vibe. | ||
| You know, southern crowd, northern crowd, west coast, east coast, or whatever. | ||
| So, we just kept talking about it. | ||
| And then I talked to Binder about it. | ||
| And it all just became about me and him smoking a cigar in London. | ||
| I was like, alright, fuck it, let's do it. | ||
| And then the whole way up, I was questioning... | ||
| Going, did I fuck up? | ||
| Was this fucking stupid? | ||
| I should have just shot it in the States. | ||
| And then I'd be like, no, no, no, it was a good idea. | ||
| It's a good idea. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| What if I don't fucking and just, you know... | ||
| Which probably ended up being a good thing for it. | ||
| But, you know, I did a run of dates leading up to it before I shot over there. | ||
| And I kind of knew what was going to work and I knew what wasn't going to work. | ||
| And then, you know, people who are showing up, they're listening to your podcast. | ||
| So they get, like, the references and stuff. | ||
| Because I was talking to somebody going, oh, I was surprised, you know, they got a lot of those references. | ||
| It's like, well, that's a specific crowd coming to see me. | ||
| If I did all of those jokes in front of just a random London crowd, I think of people, you know, what the fuck's this guy talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Where did you do gigs before you did London? | ||
| When you did a run of gigs? | ||
| Did you do them in England? | ||
| Yeah, I did Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow. | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| And then I did one other one. | ||
| It began with a B. I forget. | ||
| It was just literally bam, bam, bam. | ||
| And I got sick when I was in Liverpool. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| If I ate something before I got there or whatever, and I had like this stomach virus. | ||
| I had it the night too when I was shooting it. | ||
| I was like getting over it. | ||
| And so that was like, there's always, and I was thinking, is there always something? | ||
| Or am I just that age that there always is something, but I just don't notice until the night there's cameras here. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When everything's heightened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like, ah, I fucking threw my back out. | ||
| Never fucking fails. | ||
| Special. | ||
| Ba-ba-ba-ba. | ||
| And it's just like, well, I throw my back out a couple times a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha-ha. | |
| Except I'm just not shooting that night, so I don't give a shit, and I just joke about it, so why don't I just do that when I go to do it? | ||
| How many shows did you film? | ||
| We did two, and it wasn't the same night either, so it was kind of weird. | ||
| Rather than a bam, bam, so you're warmed up, I kind of had to get going both times. | ||
| And like most times, it was the set that I liked better. | ||
| It was probably, I think, the second night. | ||
| So most of it's from the second night and then there's just a couple just because it went a little too long. | ||
| I just wanted to get in, kick the shit out of them and get out, leave them wanting more, the old school thing. | ||
| So there was just a couple. | ||
| I think we just took just a couple things just to kind of splice one section out of there and splice the things and then get it going. | ||
| How many seats? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Is it a big place? | ||
| I don't remember, but I do know the night of the special, I did this thing. | ||
| I was making fun of that whole support the troops thing and everything. | ||
| And what had happened was it wasn't working. | ||
| And it was killing the whole tour. | ||
| I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. | ||
| Finally go to record this shit, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And it turned out that some terrorist group had made a bunch of fucking threats or something that day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, and nobody told me. | ||
| Well, don't tell him. | ||
| I don't want to get in his fucking head. | ||
| So now I'm going like, why isn't this working? | ||
| Am I suddenly not funny? | ||
| Not like it didn't work, but there was just this thing hanging in the fucking air. | ||
| Had I known that, I would have addressed it and then it would have been fine. | ||
| So we just spliced that little, you know, six, seven minutes out of there. | ||
| That's a great bit, though. | ||
| I love that bit. | ||
| It is, but I recorded at Madison Square Garden for just like a double vinyl I'm going to do. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm into all those old school rock things. | ||
| I'll lose my ass. | ||
| I'm going to lose my shirt on it, but it has that bit on it. | ||
| Didn't you do that before, like at Radio City or somewhere? | ||
| You did another album in the past. | ||
| Was it Radio City? | ||
| I did one at Carnegie Hall. | ||
| And then the last time I did Madison Square Garden, I didn't explain it to them correctly that I was trying to record to do an album there. | ||
| And they just took the audio from the board. | ||
| So I'm just like super loud and it sounds like I'm in front of eight people. | ||
| Lesson learned. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I like doing that nerd out comedy shit. | ||
| Like, I love all that stuff. | ||
| Like, I just saw Tarantino for the second time I saw his Once Upon a Time in America, and I went down to his theater that he bought, that Beverly Cinema, and they had all this cool merch from the movie, like, you know, buttons and posters and t-shirts and shit. | ||
| I didn't buy anything, because I'm trying not to have, because then I get sentimental and I can't fucking throw it out. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| Hoarding, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does your wife get mad at you for shit like that? | ||
| What, hoarding? | ||
| Did she go, why did you bring this home? | ||
| No, I'm the one who says that. | ||
| I'm the one who goes like, okay, now what are we throwing out? | ||
| Not throwing out, because then it ends up in the fucking ocean. | ||
| Where are you going to bring that where someone can actually use it? | ||
| Yeah, so now whenever I do comedy festivals or anything, and they have that whole merch bag, I just say, I don't want it. | ||
| Yeah, good for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we got a phone charger. | ||
| Yeah, that's not going to work in a couple years because I'll have a new phone and then I just have that thing. | ||
| Do people send you a lot of shit? | ||
| No. | ||
| Like because of the podcast? | ||
| You don't get t-shirts or stuff like that? | ||
| Occasionally, but I kind of put it out there like, I just need you to listen. | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| I don't need you to... | ||
| Because then what sucks is when people really take time to make something, and now it's like, I can't leave this behind. | ||
| And it's always big and awkward. | ||
| I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get that in my bag? | ||
| And then you show up at the airport with some big stupid thing with your face on it, like, who the fuck is with this guy? | ||
| That's always weird when someone wears their own shirt. | ||
| When a comic or a musician or something, I had a guy who I really like, Zuby. | ||
| He was here the other day, a rapper from England. | ||
| He had his own shirt and his own hat on. | ||
| If he wasn't such a great guy, I would have given him a hard time. | ||
| You have quite a few listeners, so he's getting a free advertisement out of it, I would imagine. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's getting an advertisement out of the whole podcast, I would imagine. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You don't have to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess maybe. | |
| Everybody's got their own fucking way of doing shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| I don't know, but I've been having fun. | ||
| I gotta tell you, I was so envious of you earlier this year because you put out your killer special and just watching you getting to do my favorite thing, you know, dump the shit I'm sick of and try, like, the new stuff. | ||
| So that's where I am... | ||
| In my act, and I follow you on all the stuff, and I think around May or something, June, you said, all right, it's ready to go. | ||
| And I was doing an acting gig, and I couldn't get the sets that I wanted. | ||
| I was like, fuck, man, that's what I want. | ||
| I gotta get... | ||
| I gotta get going on this shit. | ||
| Because people watching, I gotta fucking follow you sometimes down the store, which is never fun. | ||
| Well, we're doing gigs together this Thursday. | ||
| We're doing the improv and the store. | ||
| I'm very excited about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been doing a lot of these gigs. | ||
| My lightsaber goes up about this far right now, where my act is. | ||
| If I go to turn it on, it's like... | ||
| How old is your act now? | ||
| Like the act you're working with? | ||
| I have... | ||
| Look, I can go down. | ||
| I can murder with 20 and then the rest of it. | ||
| It gets a little... | ||
| We get a little lost at sea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sort of drifting on a piece of plywood, you know? | |
| That's a fun time though, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is. | ||
| People haven't paid to come see you. | ||
| So what I will do is I'll stay adrift a little bit and then I'll just do shit for my special... | ||
| But now, as of, you know, tonight at midnight, I won't be able to do it. | ||
| So now that's gone. | ||
| Will you still be able to do the troops bit because it's not in there? | ||
| I won't do it because I did it already, and it's coming out on something, and I also feel like most of the places I'm going to go to, I already did it in that city. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I have this paranoia that the exact same people show up. | ||
| Have you ever had fans come and sit in the front row two nights in a row and you see them? | ||
| I've had people back-to-back shows at 8 and then at 10.30, and then they're sitting there. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| And they're just sitting there. | ||
| The rabbit's already in the hat! | ||
| The rabbit's already in the hat! | ||
| It's a body double! | ||
| They know everywhere where it's going. | ||
| That's a Teddy Bergeron bit. | ||
| He's wearing a wire! | ||
| He's wearing a wire! | ||
| Santa Claus isn't real! | ||
| He's wearing a wire! | ||
| How good was that guy? | ||
| People don't know. | ||
| He was one of the greatest of all time. | ||
| He really was. | ||
| I saw him when I was an open miker and I almost quit. | ||
| He won up on an open mic night. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And Bill McDonald was the host? | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Those early on guys can make you want to quit. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| He was so polished. | ||
| I felt like such a slob. | ||
| No, the thing about him too was it was effortless and he made it look effortless. | ||
| It was just effortless. | ||
| He just went... | ||
| John Panette was a guy I saw. | ||
| I was just like... | ||
| It didn't make me want to quit, but I was just like... | ||
| I was just like, what the fuck was that? | ||
| He went up on a... | ||
| A Tuesday at Nick's. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And it was like fucking, you know, there was like maybe 30 people. | ||
| This place held 400 people. | ||
| It's just like a lull. | ||
| It was like when I started was the 80s hangover and just stand-up was dead. | ||
| And there was like 30 people and there was a bunch of, you know, bitter comics going, this place used to be packed. | ||
| They'd be lying around the block. | ||
| You should quit. | ||
| All these fucking guys saying that. | ||
| So fucking Panette just dropped by, rest his soul. | ||
| He just dropped by and he went up and did 12 minutes and got a legit... | ||
| It wasn't, oh, you're John Panette. | ||
| Thank you for stopping by. | ||
| You're famous. | ||
| It was, he fucking murdered. | ||
| I think that was the first time he was kind of, it was that era when he was doing that you go now buffet bit. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Where it just keeps, every time you think it got to the height of how funny it could be, it went to another level and then another and another. | ||
| The only time I ever saw a guy... | ||
| Maybe a guy like Regan or something, where they just have that, they just repeat that thing. | ||
| I was doing a tour with Norton Natal and Jim Brewer. | ||
| And Jim Brewer had a bit. | ||
| Never cursed. | ||
| About his dad shitting his pants? | ||
| His dad shitting his pants. | ||
| And the thing he kept going back to, other than you go now, was the... | ||
| Like he was gonna puke. | ||
| Dude, I remember the first time I saw him do that, I was in Atlantic City, and I was standing, there was a wall behind me, and I was laughing so hard, I started sliding down the wall. | ||
| I was holding my stomach going, what is that? | ||
| Brewer's an animal. | ||
| He's one of the most underrated comedians of all time. | ||
| The worst I ever ate it coming up ever was following Jim Brewer in like 91. At the Boston? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We were at a comedy loft, I think in Nanuet, New York. | ||
| And I should not have been headlining. | ||
| I've been doing comedy. | ||
| I was just talking to Bobby Kelly about those gigs. | ||
| Those gigs where you shouldn't have been headlining, but you were. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way! | |
| I've been doing comedy maybe three years. | ||
| Four years, maybe. | ||
| Maybe four. | ||
| I just wasn't ready. | ||
| No way. | ||
| But my manager was good, and he got me a gig as a headliner. | ||
| He was just decent money. | ||
| Oh, and Brewer was middling? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| We were fine. | ||
| I was fine. | ||
| Until Late Show Saturday night. | ||
| When I tell you he went up like... | ||
| Just like a man possessed. | ||
| And he used to have this bit about coming home drunk, and his mother was a demon. | ||
| Do you remember the bit? | ||
| No, but I know his talent, so he's already doing him drunk, and then that demon voice that he's going to do, it's over. | ||
| And his facial expressions, and he just caught it. | ||
| He just caught it. | ||
| Where it was like, I mean, he had murdered all week. | ||
| He'd murdered all week, but I'd gotten by. | ||
| I did not have as good a set as him all week. | ||
| But I got by. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| Good enough. | ||
| Not embarrassing. | ||
| Saturday night. | ||
| Late show. | ||
| Lit me on fire. | ||
| Championship round. | ||
| Lit me on fire. | ||
| I walked off stage early. | ||
| I was supposed to do 45 minutes. | ||
| I think I did 35. It was death. | ||
| 35 of death. | ||
| Nervous. | ||
| Feeling like an asshole. | ||
| Sweating. | ||
| Mouth drying up. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| Leg shaking. | ||
| Took me forever to recover. | ||
| Took me weeks. | ||
| Weeks. | ||
| I had one one time. | ||
| I just did Vegas. | ||
| Whenever I go there... | ||
| I always go by the TROP, right? | ||
| That's what it is? | ||
| Yeah, Tropicana. | ||
| I was contracted to be the headliner, and I got bumped down to the middle act. | ||
| I got demoted. | ||
| Who was the middle? | ||
| I don't remember, but he was great. | ||
| And it was Frank Del Pizzo was the host. | ||
| And he was like a seasoned headliner. | ||
| The other guy was a seasoned headliner. | ||
| And I just said, I don't know, I was some young guy they were giving a fucking shot to. | ||
| So I went out there. | ||
| This is like the late 90s. | ||
| And I had my shiny black button down, I'm playing Vegas shirt, you know? | ||
| And I remember my manager at the time gave me shit about this shirt. | ||
| Going, you're going to wear that? | ||
| I go, yeah, it's fucking Vegas. | ||
| You can wear whatever you want. | ||
| So I walked into the club, and it was just where the trap was then. | ||
| It was like an older crowd, because they hadn't redone it or whatever, so it was just like their dying-off crowd. | ||
| So, dude, I went up there, and I did sort of okay. | ||
| I just did okay, but they both had better sets than me. | ||
| And then that was the Tuesday or the Wednesday. | ||
| And then the Wednesday I came up, and by then I started to have another not-good set. | ||
| And then I got in my head, like, I'm not going to be able to make these people laugh. | ||
| And I remember just seeing, like, there was just this lady back towards the kitchen. | ||
| And, like, her old lady, you know, that hair that looks like it's flammable. | ||
| It was just backlit. | ||
| And that's all I could see, dude. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| Went in and out of, like, bombing. | ||
| And so then, what was it? | ||
| Thursday morning comes. | ||
| I'm flying my girlfriend out at the time so she could see my big headlining set in Vegas. | ||
| My name's out on the sign, right? | ||
| And I remember she called... | ||
| I don't remember her name, but she called me up. | ||
| She's just like, Bill, it's so-and-so from the Trop. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| I'm like, good, good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She goes, yeah, so how do you think it's going? | |
| That's what she said. | ||
| I was like, you know, I think it's going pretty good. | ||
| The crowd was a little old last night. | ||
| And she just goes, yeah, you know, I don't think it's happening. | ||
| And, you know, I think it'd be better if you just... | ||
| We're still going to pay the same money. | ||
| That was the worst part. | ||
| She was really nice about it. | ||
| And then I had to go down there that night. | ||
| My girlfriend was coming in the next night. | ||
| I had to go down there. | ||
| And... | ||
| I just remember coming in and Frank was looking at me and he was sort of looking at me like, how's he going to handle this? | ||
| And I just was just, I guess I suck or whatever. | ||
| And then they were both, they were never mean to me. | ||
| They were never mean to me. | ||
| They were both really, really cool guys and we had like a great weekend. | ||
| But then my girlfriend came down and it was just like, I had to explain to her why there was another person going on after me. | ||
| Did it go better with you as a middle? | ||
| Yeah, you know what it was? | ||
| Yeah, it went better, and then by the end of the weekend, I figured it out. | ||
| But I was never funnier than the headliner or Frank. | ||
| I just wasn't. | ||
| I wasn't seasoned. | ||
| I didn't know how... | ||
| To do it. | ||
| And it was my first weekend in Vegas. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| I think it was. | ||
| It was my first weekend in Vegas. | ||
| Because then the next few years I would middle at the Improv at Harris. | ||
| So that was the thing. | ||
| You know what was funny was I was really depressed about it. | ||
| And my girlfriend didn't care. | ||
| She goes, no, we're still here. | ||
| We can go have a good time or whatever. | ||
| And then I was almost getting upset with her that she didn't understand. | ||
| Instead of being like, oh, wow, you're really cool. | ||
| That the reason you came out here was because you just wanted to hang with me. | ||
| I was too young and angry and self-involved. | ||
| It's hard when your girl sees you bummed, too. | ||
| Unfortunately, she didn't see that. | ||
| She just saw me... | ||
| Middle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Middle. | |
| That's not bad. | ||
| It could have been worse. | ||
| Yeah, she could have been there while the whole thing went down, I guess. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| One of the worst bombings of my life. | ||
| I was working with JB Smooth, who's fucking phenomenal. | ||
| And I was supposed to be the headliner, but it was a weird college gig in the middle of nowhere in Jersey. | ||
| And it was hard to get to. | ||
| And there was no GPS back then, so you had to follow directions, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Remember those? | ||
| They'd give you a piece of paper. | ||
| They'd call you up. | ||
| Okay, you're going to take a right here and a left there, and then you take the one-on-one. | ||
| I used to know a bit about the person doing the bad directions. | ||
| Where they would go, okay, and then you're going to see a farmhouse on the right. | ||
| It has a red door, and there's cows out front. | ||
| You'd be like, alright, am I going to take a right there? | ||
| No, you're going to keep going. | ||
| And they just kept bringing up shit that you were going to see. | ||
| It's just like, finally, you're just like, just tell me the fucking thing that I'm going to see when I turn. | ||
| There's a grassy hill, and there's a scarecrow. | ||
| No, you're going to keep going. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| Alright, sorry. | ||
| No worries. | ||
| No worries. | ||
| So I miraculously got there on time, but JB did not. | ||
| And so they go, well, we're going to wait for JB because he's not here yet. | ||
| So I go, okay. | ||
| They go, well, we have a lounge. | ||
| You can go sit there and watch TV. So I watch TV and it's a special, a new special on the Malibu fires. | ||
| So this is probably like, whatever, 93 or something like that. | ||
| Some gigantic fires. | ||
| No, it was before 93. It was like 91, 92. and uh there was a fireman the fireman was weeping because he had saved his house but his neighbor lost his house and he had saved up all his money to help build this house this guy you know it was like his life's work to build his house but he was devastated because he was a fireman and his neighbors lost their house this guy's weeping he's weeping about his house and then they had this kid calling out for his dog they couldn't find the dog they lost the dog and they were hoping The dog | ||
| got away to safety. | ||
| So this kid's walking around. | ||
| Rusty? | ||
| Rusty? | ||
| Just walking down the street. | ||
| Rusty? | ||
| Rusty? | ||
| Then lady opens up the door. | ||
| JB's not here, so we're going to have you go on first. | ||
| I'm like, oh no. | ||
| So I went on stage thinking of that kid calling for the dog and the fireman crying. | ||
| And I just ate shit. | ||
| I mean, I had nothing. | ||
| There was nothing. | ||
| Did you have to do an hour? | ||
| No, I wound up doing... | ||
| I think I was supposed to do 45 minutes. | ||
| I wound up doing the 45 minutes. | ||
| And I mean, I ate shit. | ||
| I did not get any laughs. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I mean, I was depressed. | ||
| I remember thinking I could never do this again. | ||
| I did it one other time, too, though. | ||
| I could never do this again. | ||
| It was fucking terrible. | ||
| To make matters worse, JB eventually got there. | ||
| Halfway into my set. | ||
| He goes on after me and fucking murders! | ||
| I mean murdered. | ||
| Nuked the room. | ||
| Flattened it. | ||
| These kids were so tired of me. | ||
| And I was like, look, I fucked up. | ||
| I watched this depression. | ||
| And they were so excited to see me because, you know, they have those college conference things where you go like NAFTA or whatever it is. | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| What are those things called? | ||
| NACA? No, you just made me forget it. | ||
| Be on with an A. Yeah. | ||
| Something college campuses? | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| I never forgot that in my life. | ||
| You just said NAFTA. It was... | ||
| AFTRA? It's over. | ||
| Now I'll never remember it. | ||
| Someone's screaming it. | ||
| There's a comic out there screaming it into their community. | ||
| NACA! NACA! That's right. | ||
| So, I did NACA and murdered. | ||
| I mean murdered. | ||
| They told me, look, you can do it clean. | ||
| Strong interest forms. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Oh, strong interest. | ||
| Strong interest forms. | ||
| After those sets. | ||
| They said, look, I remember having a conversation with my agent. | ||
| She said, look... | ||
| I know you're not clean, but if you're clean, you can get a lot of gigs. | ||
| You can get a lot of gigs. | ||
| Yeah, that was the big switch. | ||
| People were eating shit. | ||
| They were eating shit at the conference because all these comics were nervous. | ||
| And I said, you know, I'm doing my club set. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I'm not a clean comic. | ||
| I can't do this. | ||
| I've already done this before. | ||
| I tried. | ||
| And I went up and I did all sex material and fucking murder. | ||
| So these kids were so excited to see me. | ||
| And I got there and just ate shit. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And they were going, wait till this guy comes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| He's going to be huge someday. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I ate shit. | ||
| So hard. | ||
| I'm just picturing you doing all your sex material depressed. | ||
| Bombing. | ||
| Just going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bombing. | |
| You ever? | ||
| Not just bombing, but like... | ||
| You ever bang a girl doggy style? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| I think when you're old, but... | ||
| This is how you do it. | ||
| Not this scoliosis thing. | ||
| Because I remember having to follow that bit. | ||
| I remember that bit. | ||
| And that bit would fucking murder. | ||
| Not that night. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| And then every chick in the room wanted to fuck you. | ||
| And then I would go on stage with my orange afro. | ||
| Hey, I have things to say. | ||
| Anybody? | ||
| Hi. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I ate shit. | ||
| And one of the time I ate shit real bad. | ||
| I was headlining as well. | ||
| This one is not nearly as bad as the other two eat shits. | ||
| The Jim Brewer one was devastating. | ||
| But, in all fairness, it was good for me. | ||
| Because it changed my act. | ||
| It made me realize, like, you gotta respect people's fucking attention span. | ||
| You can't go up there thinking about yourself. | ||
| You gotta respect these people. | ||
| Paid money. | ||
| Work hard. | ||
| Like, you gotta be ready. | ||
| And you can't fucking take headliner gigs when you're not ready to headline. | ||
| I remember I did the same place a year and a half later and fucking murdered. | ||
| And I was so happy. | ||
| The guy said, wow, you fucking got better. | ||
| I'm like, thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| This thing almost went out. | ||
| The other time where I ate shit, I read a conspiracy theory book about JFK that I fucking love. | ||
| It's called Best Evidence by David Lifton. | ||
| This buddy of mine was in a band. | ||
| Behold a pale horse. | ||
| That's great reading before you go up. | ||
| We kind of came here to forget our problems. | ||
| Well, I read this and I was like, oh my god, they shot JFK. The government, the casket was empty. | ||
| They changed the autopsy. | ||
| I had all this shit in my head and I was 25. Written by some guy who wasn't there. | ||
| Well, it was written by a very credible guy who was actually paid. | ||
| He was an accountant and they hired him. | ||
| He was so inside they let him look in the casket. | ||
| They said, listen, I'm just going to show this to you. | ||
| There's nobody in here. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| Keep your mouth shut. | ||
| They hired him to go over the Warren Commission report, but they never expected anybody to read the entire report, because they reported like fucking 900 volumes or some shit. | ||
| Just an incredible amount of pages. | ||
| But this guy went over it with a fine-tooth comb, and he's like, this whole thing was horseshit. | ||
| Like, the whole Warren Commission report was horseshit. | ||
| They concocted all these different things. | ||
| So I went on stage with this thing in my head, like, oh my god, there's evil people running the government, and they killed Kennedy, and I'm the guy who's gonna save everybody. | ||
| So I ate shit on Thursday night. | ||
| And they were a little uneasy with me. | ||
| Because they knew I was doing well at clubs. | ||
| I was a comic they were looking forward to seeing. | ||
| And then the next night, I apologized. | ||
| I said, listen, I fucked up yesterday. | ||
| I read this conspiracy theory book. | ||
| It'll never happen again. | ||
| And I went up and killed the next night. | ||
| But I knew I had fucked up. | ||
| I knew it was a mistake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You read the Declaration of Independence the next night before you went up. | |
| I was just listening to ACDC only. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| I listen to them on the way over here. | ||
| They'll never get over because I got the new Tool album and it's fucking unbelievable. | ||
| But I always end up just... | ||
| I can't get out of that fucking orbit. | ||
| I just ended up going back... | ||
| Well, it's such good shit, man. | ||
| It's such good. | ||
| When I need a really pick-me-up, I listen to a whole lot of Rosie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That'll get you going. | ||
| How fucking good is Dean Del Rey's voice? | ||
| How fucking good is his voice? | ||
| When he was singing that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You should have heard it. | ||
| You should have heard it in the forum. | ||
| I put it on my Instagram. | ||
| Dude, his voice is fucking phenomenal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wasn't it a whole lot of Rosie that he was singing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He sang a whole bunch of shit. | ||
| He sang a whole bunch of shit. | ||
| His fucking voice is incredible. | ||
| Isn't he going through some weird back shit right now? | ||
| Does he have some bulging disc issues? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's left over from... | ||
| Use the torch, man. | ||
| Fuck these matches. | ||
| From the... | ||
| That's how easily... | ||
| Bike accident? | ||
| Just do heroin. | ||
| Fuck these cigars. | ||
| Okay, Joe. | ||
| From his motorcycle accident? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, that's a serious flame you gotta go in there, buddy. | |
| Ooh, I like the sound, too. | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| It's kind of his story, so I'm not really sure. | ||
| I know... | ||
| I was joking with him. | ||
| I go, you realize... | ||
| Yeah, some bulging dick thing left from his motorcycle accident. | ||
| I said, you realize half of that is the motorcycle. | ||
| And the other half is you being a frontman of a fucking rock band banging your head for fucking two and a half decades. | ||
| He laughed. | ||
| I worked with him this weekend out in Vegas. | ||
| He fucking killed, but I noticed him trying to sit up and kind of be a little straight, but he's definitely getting through it. | ||
| And we hung out on X today and we saw Elton John because he's on the Farewell Toe. | ||
| It was fucking unreal. | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| Three hours, no opener, starts with a hit, plays nothing. | ||
| It was like closing bits for three hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| And then watching how he moves. | ||
| He stays pretty much at the piano, but watching how he moves, and then they show the old highlights, where he was in these fucking platform shoes, just slamming the piano, pushing himself up, almost bending over backwards, coming down. | ||
| He'd do that three, four times in a fucking row. | ||
| Look at him there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when he walked, I just respected the shit out of him. | ||
| When I saw him walking, looking like an NFL running back, going, this fucking guy. | ||
| No, he realized people paid money. | ||
| Oh, you mean looking like a current NFL running back? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I mean like walking like when you see those guys, not the guy who's getting elected into the Hall of Fame, the guys who've been in the Hall of Fame for 10 years when they come walking up to hug the other guy and all this shit kind of settled in. | ||
| Yeah, but like... | ||
| Look at his piano rotates and everything. | ||
| Smoke, fire. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Look at the background. | ||
| Just jamming on that thing like... | ||
| I actually missed that part. | ||
| I was at the Steak and Shake or something. | ||
| Speaking of tool and rock related injuries, you know Maynard, when he's on stage, he stomps his foot on the ground. | ||
| Like stomps. | ||
| Like, you know, he's always, like, stomped when he sings. | ||
| Well, he's a jiu-jitsu guy, and he was having a hard time, like, working on certain moves. | ||
| He's like, my fucking hip. | ||
| It's like something wrong with my hip. | ||
| He wound up having to get a hip replacement from stomping on the ground. | ||
| He stomped his hip out. | ||
| Do you know how Cogan, back when we were doing the Opie Anthony show, he came in, I was like, I thought this guy was, like, 6'7". | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But he was, like, 6'4", and his arms... | ||
| Hung down to his knees, though. | ||
| And he ended up saying that because of that finishing move he did where he would leap up in the air and just land on his ass night after night after night, week after week, he lost three inches in height. | ||
| Yeah, all of his discs. | ||
| Yeah, it got so compacted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All your discs deteriorate from wrestling. | ||
| Like, almost every wrestler I know, including me, I have a bunch of discs that are all fucked up. | ||
| But they're okay enough where I can get by. | ||
| And I use machines, like there's a machine called a Reverse Hyper, where it sort of decompresses your spine. | ||
| I do all this spinal decompression shit. | ||
| Actually, and I get Regenikine once a year, which is like this, it's like an advanced form of platelet-rich plasma. | ||
| I actually got it to I've got little band-aids on my back. | ||
| You're gonna fucking outlive all of us. | ||
| Listen, I've got the cash to pay for this shit. | ||
| I fucking take everything. | ||
| I'm like, what do you got? | ||
| What do you got that works? | ||
| Your body's like a restomod. | ||
| It's like, you look at him and he's 50-51, but underneath it's 2019. He's got a little iPod jacket in his fucking chest. | ||
| A restomod! | ||
| People don't even know what we're talking about. | ||
| We took an old car, like my Corvette. | ||
| Well, it's not out there. | ||
| But my Corvette, that's what it is. | ||
| It's like a 1965 on the outside. | ||
| But the inside is all 2000s. | ||
| The suspension is all brand new. | ||
| Modern chassis. | ||
| I like the underneath. | ||
| I don't like the interior also to look like. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Yeah, it all has to look like. | ||
| Speaking of that, that's another reason why I had to go see that Tarantino movie twice. | ||
| In fact, that was fucking amazing. | ||
| I was so busy looking at all the cars. | ||
| And it has one of my favorite cars of all fucking time. | ||
| I'm not a speed guy. | ||
| I like cruising. | ||
| And there's a 67 Cadillac Eldorado in the color that I want in that. | ||
| It's one of the meanest looking fucking cars ever. | ||
| What color is it in the movie? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It's like this. | ||
| I don't know what... | ||
| It's like a yellow or something? | ||
| Dean asked me that. | ||
| He's like, what's the factory color? | ||
| You know, because he knows it. | ||
| He knows all of that. | ||
| But he knows it, right? | ||
| It's like a... | ||
| There it is. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That's... | ||
| That's Leo's car. | ||
| That's a hard car. | ||
| Doesn't he have a soft top in that? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, you know what I'm thinking of? | ||
| I'm thinking of strange things. | ||
| No, it's one of Sharon Tate's friends. | ||
| Just look up Cadillac Eldorado. | ||
| Because they're just going to have... | ||
| Yeah, the car Brad Pitt was driving. | ||
| This is Leonardo DiCaprio's best work. | ||
| Oh, he's amazing in it. | ||
| You've got to see it again. | ||
| He's amazing in it. | ||
| I'm actually going to see it for a third time to catch all this shit... | ||
| And I don't want to ruin it for anybody. | ||
| I'm not going to say anything. | ||
| So Leonardo DiCaprio has a different one than Brad Pitt does? | ||
| Well, Brad Pitt's character is driving Leo's car. | ||
| Oh, it's the yellow one that he's in that picture when he's leaning out the door. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But the El Dorado, which I think is a 67, one of Sharon Tate's friends pulls up to her house in it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Okay, a different scene. | ||
| Yeah, those old Cadillacs are fucking phenomenal. | ||
| Good luck getting one of those into the comedy store parking lot, though. | ||
| There's no room for anything else. | ||
| What I would like to do, yeah, just have everything be brand new underneath. | ||
| And then just, yeah, just drive in the fucking right lane, smoke a cigar. | ||
| You can get it done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know people. | |
| I know I can, but that's a slippery slope. | ||
| Oh, I'm already down it. | ||
| I know you are. | ||
| Hey, you own a warehouse. | ||
| It's the slippery slope. | ||
| So I have my old truck. | ||
| I like going fast. | ||
| If I was at a track... | ||
| Dean went out and drove a bunch of fast cars out in Vegas. | ||
| He posted them, too. | ||
| He was showing how fucking cool it was. | ||
| That time I went out there, I took my lovely wife with me. | ||
| So we were doing... | ||
| You know, couple shit. | ||
| I wasn't going to be like, hey, thanks for coming to Vegas. | ||
| I'm going to go drive some fast cars. | ||
| They have a CVS that's all lit up, the Vegas style. | ||
| You should check that out, honey. | ||
| You know, like where the fuck would that get me? | ||
| But that was a good trip for us too, by the way. | ||
| A good family Vegas trip? | ||
| Yeah, it's a good thing to do as a married person to just sort of like my mother-in-law watched our kid and we came out there and it's hilarious. | ||
| That's nice, like dates. | ||
| Yeah, but we immediately go right back to like me and my wife have like ridiculous chemistry laughing like just totally on the same wavelength and it just fucking resets and I'm learning now like you gotta just with the day-to-day and dealing you know. | ||
| Do you guys do date nights? | ||
| Do you do a lot of date nights? | ||
| Yeah, probably not enough. | ||
| It's like everything. | ||
| Do you work out? | ||
| Yeah, not enough. | ||
| Well, yeah, not enough. | ||
| And then your relationship becomes like the same way. | ||
| And I've finally gotten out of my stupid fucking, you know, die on every hill, fucking argue everything, you know. | ||
| I'm getting out of that and I'm starting to understand how to do it. | ||
| The uniting competition with your wife. | ||
| That's what you've got to understand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then there's also that she's also human, so everything she says isn't right. | ||
| So you just have to pick... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta pick... | ||
| Because I'm not gonna be that guy where it's, oh, happy wife, happy life. | ||
| Oh, those guys are done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I watch whatever TV she wants to watch. | |
| I'm envious of them. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Because they have the smoothest fucking life. | ||
| Never lose their house. | ||
| They're just like this... | ||
| They're like a fucking... | ||
| You know those big doorman buildings where I got a package for you, Mr. Rogan? | ||
| Like, you become that in the relationship. | ||
| You should just wear, like, the bell cap or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Yes! | ||
| Those life or doormen. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're like in a union. | ||
| Neutered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a doorman before everybody in a fucking uniform gives me shit. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, you become like that in the thing. | ||
| But no, we came back and last night, you know, before we went to bed, my wife was like glowing. | ||
| She was like, I had the best time. | ||
| And we barely did anything. | ||
| We just fucking hung out laughing. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You appreciate that a lot more once you have kids, because you realize, like, this is a rare moment. | ||
| This is hard to do. | ||
| It's hard to get away. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's hard to connect while someone's going, I want a popsicle! | ||
| I want a red popsicle! | ||
| Yeah, well, with my kids, they're older, so they fight with each other. | ||
| That's mine! | ||
| No, let me use it! | ||
| You're not even using it! | ||
| It's mine! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, you can't use it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And everything is just, you know, they're separated by two years, too. | ||
| So the little one is fierce, because she always feels like she's getting the short end of the stick from the older one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So she fucking, she stands her ground, she draws a line in the sand, and, you know, she's ready to throw down. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| She doesn't know how to apply it yet, but that's going to serve her well. | ||
| Oh, she's not taking any shit, I'll tell you that. | ||
| But she's a super sweetheart, too. | ||
| My daughter's at that age, you know, where I used to do a joke in my act that, like, I always love toddlers because they're, like, these little drunk people. | ||
| Like, they have no social graces. | ||
| You're, like, literally in the middle of a conversation, they come... | ||
| You start talking real loud. | ||
| You can't understand them. | ||
| That's kind of where we're at. | ||
| In the best way ever. | ||
| That is one of the advantages of being an older dad. | ||
| Everybody who fucked up being a dad, that look on their face, like, dude, it goes by so fast, man. | ||
| I'm telling you, cherish every fucking day. | ||
| They're like... | ||
| The ghost of Christmas past? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Scaring the shit out of you in a good way, I guess. | ||
| The cool thing when they get older is you do stuff with them and you take them places and go on vacations together and hang out with them all day long, 24 hours a day, multiple days in a row. | ||
| Every summer we go to somewhere in Europe or somewhere. | ||
| We went to Thailand last year. | ||
| Thailand and we did two. | ||
| I'm too intimidated to go there. | ||
| Thailand? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's amazing. | ||
| These people are so nice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So nice. | ||
| It's hot as fuck and they got weird bugs. | ||
| And my little one got lit up by bugs, man. | ||
| She had an allergic reaction to something that bit her and her whole hand was swollen. | ||
| It was a real freak out moment. | ||
| Like, fuck, we're in Thailand and something's medically going wrong here. | ||
| But it's also weird, too. | ||
| It's like their culture is very odd. | ||
| Assuming that had a happy ending? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it did. | ||
| We were at a resort, luckily. | ||
| Built me up for the apex of emotion. | ||
| Get some toothpaste the other day. | ||
| No, we got some medicine, and they applied a topical medicine to it and actually went down. | ||
| By the next day, it was okay. | ||
| But it was an issue. | ||
| Yeah, scary. | ||
| It's 24 hours. | ||
| Thailand's hot, you know, it's muggy. | ||
| Road elephants, we did the whole day. | ||
| Hung out in the jungle. | ||
| It was wild, the sounds that the jungle makes. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember seeing that. | ||
| Yeah, pictures of elephants. | ||
| No, on your Instagram. | ||
| Instagram, yeah. | ||
| Elephants are cool, man. | ||
| They're weird. | ||
| It's a weird little relationship you have with these animals. | ||
| They're so gentle. | ||
| As long as they know that you are a kind person and you're taking care of them... | ||
| Because the people that run this... | ||
| They run an elephant rescue thing. | ||
| It's really kind of cool. | ||
| I don't know about that, Joe. | ||
| That I'm a kind person? | ||
| No. | ||
| That an elephant is just like... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I don't really feel like yanking these logs up and down this fucking hill. | ||
| I don't even understand why I'm doing this shit. | ||
| This guy seems pretty cool. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Not like that. | ||
| You don't do anything with him other than feed him and you get to ride him. | ||
| And people are a little bummed out about riding him. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't really recommend riding him. | ||
| My family wanted to ride them, and a lot of these people ride. | ||
| But the whole thing is a rescue thing. | ||
| They take these animals that are in circuses and all these different sort of mistreated animals, and they take care of them, and they let them live in a wild environment. | ||
| They roam free. | ||
| They just feed them. | ||
| So the elephants stay by. | ||
| But they go off on their own, too. | ||
| And then they come back. | ||
| But they have these big piles of sugarcane. | ||
| And so they're eating the sugarcane. | ||
| They'll just stop while you're walking with them. | ||
| And they just rip a fucking tree out of its roots and start eating it. | ||
| You realize how goddamn strong they are? | ||
| They are fucking preposterously strong. | ||
| I wish that we viewed them more as like roommates than like ours. | ||
| So we divvied the planet up a little smarter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I shut my phone up. | ||
| I found this picture on Instagram of this tiger and the fucking thing looks like it's legs back. | ||
| It looks like it's doing dips and just the fucking muscles. | ||
| It doesn't even look real. | ||
| That thing exists on this planet and was just walking around free that you could just bump into. | ||
| I understand when people first came out here and they eradicated... | ||
| That's along the lines of it. | ||
| I mean, look at that. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| How many pull-ups, Joe, do you need to do to fucking look like that? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Look at the fucking muscles on that thing. | ||
| You must have seen that one. | ||
| Did you ever see that one where they were fucking with that tiger and that dude was on the elephant? | ||
| On the elephant, yeah. | ||
| And this thing took off like Jordan in the dunking contest. | ||
| And every time it reached its apex, it kept going up like fucking Zion there on Duke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it barely grazed the guy's arm when it clawed him. | ||
| It tore it apart. | ||
| Yeah, the guy, like, he had nerve damage and his fucking arm didn't work. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, there's a great video, a recent video, like, two weeks ago, of these guys on a motorcycle in India, and they're riding on a motorcycle, the tiger's chasing them, and the tiger almost gets them. | ||
| It's full clip chasing them. | ||
| I actually looked how fast they can run, and I'm surprised, because the guy was on, like, a scooter or something. | ||
| They can go, like, 40 miles an hour, I think. | ||
| I think what fucked them up was the surface. | ||
| That he started running on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| If he was more in his element, they get like a dog in a kitchen, gets a little fucking woke. | ||
| I think the tiger did that for a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They slide! | |
| Yeah, for a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, on the concrete, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or maybe just the sound of the engine was just like, that doesn't sound tasty. | ||
| Well, it's one of the rare places on Earth where tigers hunt people. | ||
| There's a history of them hunting people. | ||
| They hunt or they come upon them and go, I'll eat them. | ||
| No, they hunt them. | ||
| There's an area called the Sundarbans. | ||
| And the Sundarbans, tigers over the last 200 years, have killed more than 300,000 people there. | ||
| They actively hunt people. | ||
| You know, believe it or not, it's a quick death. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I already know what I would ever do if I ever came in contact with a tiger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just do those? | |
| That's exactly what I would do. | ||
| Give them the neck? | ||
| And make some defensive moves, like offensive moves, just to get him to go right towards it. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| It's just like the UFC guys. | ||
| You're all like, I would rather get fucking choked out than knocked out. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| You just go to sleep. | ||
| Yeah, you just sleep. | ||
| I mean, it probably hurts for a second. | ||
| And then it's over. | ||
| It hurts for a second, then as you start to go, I think the last thing that's as bad is the smell of the tiger. | ||
| Oh, the breath. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The breath of death. | |
| The gamey. | ||
| Rotten meat breath. | ||
| Or just the fact, you know, they don't really bathe. | ||
| Oh, they swim, don't they? | ||
| Yeah, they swim occasionally. | ||
| Yeah, they can swim fast. | ||
| This is how fast they can swim. | ||
| You smell amazing. | ||
| Did you see those two poor women who, they were going to take a fucking hike through the rainforest and decided to go themselves? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Gone. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| They found their clothes. | ||
| Where was this? | ||
| Which rainforest? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was right up your fucking alley. | ||
| Recent? | ||
| I was surprised it wasn't on your Instagram. | ||
| That's some Rogan shit right there. | ||
| It's a bummer, man. | ||
| People get confused and they don't understand. | ||
| You're a moving thing and you don't move quick. | ||
| And they're all about eating moving things. | ||
| If you're moving, they're trying to eat you. | ||
| If you're by yourself, they're going to eat you. | ||
| Well, it's amazing that wherever we started on this planet, that our brain was able to cover for the fact of how fucking slow we are. | ||
| We're slower than squirrels. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Everything is lightning fast out there. | ||
| Except sloths. | ||
| Sloths. | ||
| I know, but that's their job. | ||
| To get eaten. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seems like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like jalapeno poppers for fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know that bullshit that you just ordered? | |
| You want to go, yeah, fuck it, let's get that. | ||
| Let's have a sloth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Before you go after the real thing you're trying to eat? | ||
| One of my favorite videos is watching harpy eagles kill sloths. | ||
| They swoop in and snatch them. | ||
| They're like the largest eagles in South America. | ||
| I did a zipline tour in Costa Rica. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did that? | |
| Yeah, and the guy knew how to make the noise of this fucking ridiculous wingspan bird that doesn't really exist in that area anymore, but they're just in their DNA for them to freak out. | ||
| He goes, it's a three-toed sloth, and he imitated it. | ||
| And the fucking thing just kind of looked around a little bit. | ||
| It's like, dude, you just gave that thing a mini fucking heart attack. | ||
| We did a zip line that was one mile. | ||
| You get on it, you zip across for one mile. | ||
| And as I'm sliding on this thing, with my family, by the way, I'm thinking, when was the last time they checked this? | ||
| Who's checking this? | ||
| Those are great thoughts to have. | ||
| The fucking ladder was rusted and then ratchet bolted. | ||
| So they had like straps where they ratcheted where the ladder had rusted. | ||
| And then they just grabbed ahold of the strap and like clamped down on it. | ||
| And Tied it to the fucking tree, and we're climbing up this, and it's like, watch out there, that part's rusted through. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| That's rusted through. | ||
| And then you get to the top, and they latch you up to this thing, and I'm telling you, you're above the rainforest, and it's just... | ||
| And you go for like fucking 10 minutes. | ||
| People don't understand how high those... | ||
| We were just in the bullshit. | ||
| We were just in the very tippity-top. | ||
| We were in Costa Rica, so we weren't like in the shit. | ||
| And I just remember, like, the thing where we were doing, you know, the little, I guess, platform that you went up to was so fucking high off the ground, and it was a third up the tree. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like when we were looking up at the three-toed slot that was over there, it was like another four or five hundred feet, it seemed. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| It was fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nature, man. | ||
| Nature, man. | ||
| There's a fucking great story recently of a guy. | ||
| He's a musician and he was recording sounds of nature and he fell asleep and a bear ate him. | ||
| So it's a recording of him getting eaten while he's recording sounds of nature. | ||
| Bears seem like it's a long death. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They just eat you. | ||
| They just hold you down like a salmon and start chewing chunks off of you. | ||
| Oh, yeah, they do. | ||
| Yeah, because they're omnivores. | ||
| Omnivores are the worst thing to get killed by. | ||
| You're better off getting killed by a predator because predators generally just want to kill you and kill you as quick as they can. | ||
| But bears, first of all, there are no predators other than other bears and humans with rifles. | ||
| And if they're in a place where there's no humans with rifles, they're at the top of the food chain. | ||
| So they just... | ||
| Put a paw down on you so they hold you in place and just start chewing chunks of you. | ||
| Just eating chunks of you off. | ||
| The video of the Grizzly Man? | ||
| It's my special. | ||
| Tonight at midnight on Netflix. | ||
| Do you know what? | ||
| My brother called me up one time. | ||
| I called him after he had watched some video and it was one of those Komodo dragons. | ||
| And it somehow grabbed like a deer-looking thing. | ||
| Whatever the fuck is in its world that's like that. | ||
| And it... | ||
| I'm sorry, people. | ||
| But it snapped its fucking leg. | ||
| And he said the thing was laying there. | ||
| And it couldn't move. | ||
| And it just started eating the thing's guts. | ||
| And the deer's sound of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Ah! | ||
| Don't! | ||
| Shut that fucking thing off! | ||
| I don't watch any of that. | ||
| I don't watch execution videos. | ||
| I don't watch that on my hard drive. | ||
| I'm gonna bomb tonight watching that. | ||
| How do you find it that quick? | ||
| Jesus Christ, this guy's good. | ||
| He's got them saved. | ||
| Yeah, there's a great one of a Komodo dragon eating a monkey. | ||
| And it's got, like, it might be a baboon. | ||
| Baboons are no joke. | ||
| I never knew. | ||
| When they fucking yawn, you're like, oh shit, that's like a tiger monkey. | ||
| It's like a dog monkey. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a wolf monkey. | |
| They eat kids. | ||
| Somebody's got a new band named that. | ||
| Wolf monkey. | ||
| That's a good name for a band. | ||
| There's a great video of this Komodo dragon. | ||
| He's got this monkey's feet and tail hanging out of his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going... | |
| Just slowly choking this thing down, eating this entire monkey hole. | ||
| And the tail and the little feet are poking out. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| Show with the bill. | ||
| No. | ||
| I honestly don't want to watch that. | ||
| Just put it on that one so I can see. | ||
| Can you put it on one TV? Can you do that while I talk about my new special coming up? | ||
| Paper Tiger. | ||
| Speaking of animals, why Paper Tiger? | ||
| Because I just think we're in a hilarious time. | ||
| Because you already took strange time. | ||
| I have to stop saying... | ||
| Like, the amount of times I had to stop saying it's a weird time. | ||
| It's the name of Joe Special. | ||
| Because it just is. | ||
| Like, what we're focusing on... | ||
| Like, oh my god! | ||
| Can you fucking believe this? | ||
| While this real... | ||
| Like, half the shit that's going on, if it's true, is like you could make a Will Smith or a Tom Cruise movie. | ||
| One of those end-of-the-world movies where they... | ||
| Except, you know, it's not going to have a happy ending. | ||
| And it's just like... | ||
| It just kind of strikes me, I don't know. | ||
| And it was also... | ||
| I wanted people to watch it and have fun. | ||
| Like, I'm not trying to fucking hurt anybody. | ||
| It's not malicious. | ||
| But I'm doing my job. | ||
| I'm talking about what's in the news and I'm fucking around. | ||
| And it's part that and then the other part is just me... | ||
| Talking about my flaws, my temper, and trying to work that shit out. | ||
| That's all this fucking thing is. | ||
| And for some reason, not just saying stand-up, just a lot of shit that is not... | ||
| As far as if you had priorities. | ||
| If your house just burnt down, you're not being like, God, we have to get a new toaster. | ||
| It's like, no, we need shelter. | ||
| That's the number one thing. | ||
| But there's all this shit that's a line of importance, like line 42... | ||
| Is getting gassed up to, like, number seven or number eight or something like that. | ||
| And I already know people are going to be like, you know, typical white male! | ||
| Because you can't, like, all of that shit, you know? | ||
| There's just something funny about how overtly, I don't know, I guess, reversed, like, it's like you're doing the same fucking thing and you don't even realize you're doing it. | ||
| As you're saying, like, some groups of people, not all of them, I've been joking how a lot of feminists are smart, but it's not the ones that are on TV. It's like sports fans. | ||
| A lot of sports fans are really smart, but not the ones that call in sports talk radio. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like when we would do the Opie and Anthony show. | ||
| Like Howard Stern. | ||
| Back in the day when he would do live remotes. | ||
| I love Howard Stern. | ||
| I love Opie and Anthony. | ||
| But if I was a fan of this show, I don't have time and I'm not going to some fucking mall in the middle of the day blowing off work or whatever. | ||
| Because I'm trying to get my own shit going. | ||
| The people that show up, you love them because they're diehards. | ||
| But they're out of their fucking minds. | ||
| So, it just has to do with that. | ||
| I'm kind of... | ||
| It doesn't necessarily have to do with me, but it does. | ||
| It's one of those things. | ||
| And it's also another way of saying that I'm full of shit. | ||
| Yeah, you're a paper tiger. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| There'll be an Anthony days. | ||
| Remember when they used to have stadium seating, like small stadium seating in the studio? | ||
| And guys would come in. | ||
| They would let fans come in the studio and sit and watch the show. | ||
| Those are the good old days. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Every time I go to New York, it's like a void. | ||
| Somebody said it perfectly, like, you know, Phantom Limb, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what it feels like. | ||
| Oh, I'm in New York and I'm gonna... | ||
| Doesn't exist. | ||
| That was the last show that I used to get up early for. | ||
| and when they were together before anthony got kicked out and yeah and opie and jimmy and anthony were all together it was amazing that was like seeing a band with all the original members on the first couple of albums tour before david lee goes solo and then you know well they were the first guys to get ported over to xm too right they were the first or i think they were were they before howard or around the same time But they were the first... | ||
| That was when it was XM and then Sirius. | ||
| Yeah, I think Howard was on Sirius, they were on XM, and then they merged. | ||
| But they were the first show, the first radio show, that let you just fuck around. | ||
| Like, Howard is amazing, right? | ||
| Greatest radio personality of all time, by far. | ||
| But Howard controlled the show. | ||
| He had you on. | ||
| He had the board in front of him. | ||
| He controlled the board. | ||
| He asked you questions. | ||
| He had an agenda. | ||
| And, you know, he was trying to make the show as entertaining as possible, and they got ready. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| O&A. You just fucking... | ||
| Come on in, guys. | ||
| Come on in, Patrice. | ||
| Come on in, Bill. | ||
| Ari Shaffir. | ||
| Have a seat. | ||
| And everybody... | ||
| You'd be in the room. | ||
| Ricky Gervais. | ||
| Ten fucking people in the room. | ||
| Norton. | ||
| Norton would be doing fucking creepy characters. | ||
| I mean, it was the... | ||
| It was the birth for me. | ||
| Jav Talk Jimmy was my favorite one. | ||
| Oh, he was... | ||
| Jav Talk Jimmy. | ||
| He didn't do it enough. | ||
| That's like a deep cut Jim Norton. | ||
| Jive Talk Jimmy was one of my favorite ones. | ||
| It was so silly, which is my favorite thing ever. | ||
| Highly intelligent people being silly is one of my favorite things ever. | ||
| And Jim and Patrice were sort of the king of that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Super, super, super next level smart and just silly. | ||
| Really silly. | ||
| When Howard went... | ||
| From terrestrial radio to Sirius, it was like he died. | ||
| Because I didn't have, until I got Sirius in my car. | ||
| So that's like my favorite thing about my car. | ||
| Because I listen to them every fucking morning. | ||
| And I gotta get them up. | ||
| And it's like the old days. | ||
| Like when I first came to New York. | ||
| And I get to listen to it. | ||
| They were the birth of podcasts. | ||
| Whether they realize it or not. | ||
| They were the birth of podcasts. | ||
| Because ONA was like a podcast. | ||
| Like this podcast. | ||
| We didn't even talk about what we were going to talk about. | ||
| There's no fucking discussion whatsoever. | ||
| Obviously, you and I don't have to do that, but we wouldn't anyway. | ||
| We'd just come in here and shoot the shit. | ||
| That's all they ever did. | ||
| Come on in, shoot the shit. | ||
| What the fuck's going on? | ||
| Anthony would have a gun on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look. | |
| There's a fucking gun everywhere to this day. | ||
| A guy doesn't go to piss in the middle of the night without a gun. | ||
| My favorite deep-cut Anthony character was the guy with giantism. | ||
| Did you ever hear him do that guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| You know the giantism when they get that voice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the time I was eight, I was nine feet tall. | |
| I can't do it. | ||
| He would do this fucking thing. | ||
| I'd always go in there dragging ass and then something like that would happen and then it just felt like two in the afternoon somehow and you look at your watch and it was like fucking 7.02 in the morning. | ||
| Do you remember when Anthony did Live from the Compound? | ||
| He built a studio in his basement. | ||
| That's when I was like going, this is not going to last. | ||
| This guy's literally building... | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| It's like we're in business selling ice cream and I'm building my own ice cream parlor at home. | ||
| No, no, Joe. | ||
| I'm in this business with you. | ||
| I knew like... | ||
| They were going to fall apart. | ||
| You know what's funny is what did that show and is also what made it great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, you know how they used to play the... | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| They used to play the... | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| They used to play the Clint Eastwood thing. | ||
| I always thought the theme to that show should have been the wheels on the bus go round and round because it was just like... | ||
| And the thing was, you were on the bus, but you were outside it. | ||
| I always felt like when I went in there, that Raiders of the Lost Ark, you know, when Harrison Ford's on the hood and you're grabbing onto the hood ornament trying not to go underneath it. | ||
| And some days you hung on and then other days... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Except it didn't have the happy ending. | ||
| You didn't have the whip to hang on to it. | ||
| You just fucking... | ||
| Do you remember the day we were there and Pat from Unaki threw up in Pat Duffy's mouth? | ||
| That was your idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then that dude, Nathaniel, he was the one that coined it the baby. | ||
| I got credit for some reason. | ||
| I think Dan's voice sounded like me. | ||
| He came up... | ||
| Oh, he came up. | ||
| I've been saying it's you. | ||
| No, your idea... | ||
| It was your idea. | ||
| You were like, the only thing that could top this. | ||
| For those who didn't see it, it's such a brilliant idea. | ||
| It was the eggnog drinking contest, and you had to do a double shot, like it was bourbon, but it was eggnog, like every 30 seconds. | ||
| And the returning champion was Pat from Munaki, who had diabetes and lost a toe to it already. | ||
| It was just sitting there... | ||
| And then he continued to drink it to do the bit that you came up with. | ||
| I mean, there has to be like a, you know when like a broadcaster can get into the Sports Hall of Fame just because, you know, he never played the game, but he like, you know, because of what he added to it. | ||
| I always thought that Pat Munaki should have been like, they should have been like a Chick Hearn Johnny Moe's sort of award that he, with his health, continued to drink... | ||
| I remember when people posted that video, everyone was saying, fake, this isn't real, and that made me enjoy it real. | ||
| I was like, no, that was real, and I was there. | ||
| There was plastic bags all over the ground. | ||
| Remember, they put plastic everywhere, all over the ground, because they knew that people were going to throw up. | ||
| They had the garbage can ready, and then Pat Duffy leans his head over the edge of the garbage can, and then Pat from Wunaki just, here comes... | ||
| You see him? | ||
| And then it keeps coming. | ||
| It keeps coming. | ||
| It's like way crazier than Stand By Me. | ||
| It was like a hybrid. | ||
| You just went... | ||
| It just fucking came out and then somebody kept shutting it off. | ||
| And every time... | ||
| I mean, it was like a... | ||
| There it is! | ||
| There it is! | ||
| Dude, I can't watch this. | ||
| You can't watch this? | ||
| You know, I still can't tell the story. | ||
| If I tell it in detail, I start gagging. | ||
| Oh, see, Fear Factor killed all that in me. | ||
| I never... | ||
| Dude, I'll tell the one that makes me gag. | ||
| I start to gag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
is when there was the dude. - I can't fucking watch it. - It was tremendous. | |
| I'll say it real quick just to plop through it. | ||
| You're tearing up. | ||
| There was a dude who got knocked out. | ||
| So then what he did was he started... | ||
| He puked into a pitcher. | ||
| He puked into a pitcher and then he was drinking his own puke trying to make the other people puke. | ||
| So then somebody dared this guy to take a swig from it. | ||
| And he had like this hipster Viking level beard. | ||
| And he... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't do it. | |
| This is like fucking 10 years later. | ||
| He took this Viking-level swig. | ||
| He just threw it back. | ||
| So he gave himself kind of like a facial with it, and then he puked into the picture, I think. | ||
| And I remember it was in his beard. | ||
| There's a point in that show where I almost puke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the crazy thing about seeing so many people puke. | ||
| Oh, Bill's gonna go! | ||
| And I was like hanging on to the fucking table. | ||
| Yeah, we didn't realize that at the time. | ||
| But those are some of the greatest moments of our life. | ||
| But you've got to forgive yourself that because you were in the moment. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I was feeling like melancholy when I was in Vegas. | ||
| And I was sitting in my room smoking a cigar with Bobby Kelly and Rick D'Elia from Boston scene, right? | ||
| And we were sitting there and I was looking down at the strip before they came over. | ||
| And I was thinking about the first time I came out there. | ||
| It was right before they imploded the sands or the dunes or something. | ||
| They were starting to implode those old ones. | ||
| And just walking up and down the strip. | ||
| And the real was the new Hot One casino. | ||
| And just all the great fucking times and crazy fucking stories and all that. | ||
| And then just walking around Vegas being old now. | ||
| And seeing all these young people like, and you want to stop them. | ||
| And just be like, dude, if there's any way to take this in, do it. | ||
| Because, you know, at my age, if I was to continue doing that, you're just a creep. | ||
| And I really respect younger people where it's just like, this is their time. | ||
| Let them have it. | ||
| That's their club. | ||
| Don't be standing in there with your white whiskers and shit fucking. | ||
| Listen, trying to listen to their DJ music. | ||
| Just get the fuck out of there. | ||
| Let them enjoy their generation's drugs and let them have their fucking stories and just, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's no way you could impart that on anyone, though. | ||
| Tell them to soak it up and enjoy it. | ||
| I had moments where I remember thinking when I was young, like, wow, this is a wild moment. | ||
| Well, I remember you that night after the baby bird. | ||
| You were at Caroline's. | ||
| You were at Caroline's, and I went down there, and you had that fucking grin on your face. | ||
| You're like, that was great radio. | ||
| I was just like... | ||
| I told the whole fucking story. | ||
| I came home. | ||
| Nia had just started living with me, and her friend was there. | ||
| And I was telling the story of what I saw that day. | ||
| And I was laying on the ground, crying, laughing, telling. | ||
| And then this guy did this. | ||
| Do you remember the guy who was fucking, he would do his shot and when anybody would puke, he would stand over in the corner and not face them. | ||
| He was facing the corner. | ||
| So we started calling him Blair Witch. | ||
| Everybody got there. | ||
| So I'm crying, laughing, and then gagging as I'm telling the story. | ||
| And then they weren't laughing, which made it even funnier to me. | ||
| And then I just remember a friend at one point just was like, she was like, where did they find these people? | ||
| And then that just sent me over the top. | ||
| I was like, I don't know! | ||
| Just crying, laughing. | ||
| But God bless them! | ||
| Yeah, where did they find these people? | ||
| Well, that was the thing of shock radio. | ||
| Shock radio gets such a derogatory connotation. | ||
| Shock jocks. | ||
| Shock radio. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| Shock radio. | ||
| When you're a young guy... | ||
| And you're a part of that. | ||
| And you're there in the moment. | ||
| It's one of the greatest moments of your life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it's so wild. | ||
| My thing is, you're not shocked if there's thought behind it. | ||
| Shock is just like, oh, what happened? | ||
| Fuck those people. | ||
| That's just basic level shit. | ||
| Like, I remember when I was coming up. | ||
| And you were just torn through the Boston scene and then you got on some show. | ||
| It wasn't NewsRadio. | ||
| It was something else. | ||
| Hardball. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you were coming to the Kowloon. | ||
| It was the first time I was going to see you do a set. | ||
| And all these guys, oh, he's so dirty, so dirty, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And I watched your set. | ||
| And it's like, this guy isn't dirty. | ||
| There's like thought behind this. | ||
| Anybody can do a handjob joke, but your joke was like, you said, you ever have a woman give you a handjob? | ||
| It's like brushing your teeth with your left hand. | ||
| I'm like, that's a fucking killer joke! | ||
| It just happens to be about a handjob, and some people can't separate that. | ||
| That was back in the day where there was still a bunch of guys that were left over. | ||
| Yeah, I love that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were getting in fights. | ||
| They were chaotic. | ||
| And then Stephen Wright got on The Tonight Show and became a fucking superstar. | ||
| I mean, a gigantic national superstar. | ||
| And everybody else was like, hey, what the fuck? | ||
| What about me? | ||
| And I came along after that. | ||
| And there was this remnant of that there. | ||
| Remember Chris Zito? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Chris Zito was giving me advice when I was an open-miker. | ||
| He was like, you can't swear. | ||
| If you swear, you're never going to get on TV. He was telling me all this shit. | ||
| In his eyes, he was doing me a service. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It came from a good place. | ||
| It came from a good place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| In his eyes. | ||
| But I was like, fuck, he's going to make me quit. | ||
| I was like, this is what I want to do. | ||
| I grew up watching Dice Clay and Sam Kinnis. | ||
| And he goes, well, you're not Dice Clay. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| It's like, well, neither were they until they were. | ||
| But it was bad advice from a guy who hadn't made it, right? | ||
| He hadn't made it. | ||
| But he was, at least he was a professional. | ||
| And I was as far from making it as humanly possible. | ||
| I was an open miker. | ||
| And I remember I went off stage one night and he goes, Joe fucking Rogan! | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe fucking Rogan! | ||
| Did he say fuck enough? | ||
| Like, in his eyes, he was like, look, I'm just telling you this because I care. | ||
| Like, you're fucking up your career. | ||
| I'm like, So I had it in my head. | ||
| I was like, I'm not going to do this then. | ||
| In my head, I was like, I don't want to be that guy. | ||
| Did you ever notice? | ||
| I'm not that guy. | ||
| That wasn't me. | ||
| I liked talking about shit that made my friends laugh when we were all sitting around drinking. | ||
| That's why I was in it. | ||
| I was in it to talk about wild shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It didn't mean that you couldn't be clever and talk about wild shit, but I had never fit in anywhere in my life. | ||
| So the idea of me fitting in, like on television, that's almost like too weird for me. | ||
| I didn't want to. | ||
| But like in defense of that, there was like 9,000 stand-up shows on TV that you could get on and you could become... | ||
| It wasn't just The Tonight Show because The Tonight Show was the biggest thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then there was the comedy on the road. | ||
| There was Evening at the Improv. | ||
| Half-hour comedy hour. | ||
| Half-hour comedy. | ||
| It was all of this shit. | ||
| And so that's what they were guiding towards. | ||
| And then I had the tail end of that. | ||
| And then... | ||
| You started in 90? | ||
| 92. 92. So when I came, it was the tail end of that. | ||
| Work clean. | ||
| And then it was, you know, talk about your family so they can build a show around you so you can do a sitcom. | ||
| And I remember thinking, like, I don't want to do a sitcom. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| Everybody had this idea in their head that there was only one way to do it. | ||
| The beautiful thing about all that shit imploding is that there's none of that now. | ||
| Now comedy is comedy. | ||
| And when you see kids coming up now, you go to see the guys at the store that are like doormen and open micers, and I say guys, girls too. | ||
| Allie Makovsky, I take her on the road with me all the time, and she's 23. She's just getting it together now. | ||
| She's in that stage now. | ||
| She's like five years in. | ||
| They just want to do comedy, man. | ||
| These kids just want to do comedy. | ||
| Well, there's people now who... | ||
| Because comedy is doing so well. | ||
| Stand-up. | ||
| There's people who like... | ||
| Weren't comedians made it as something else and now are thinking about doing stand-up, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you guys how lucky we are that we're doing it now? | ||
| That's what I was thinking. | ||
| I said that to my wife when I was in Vegas. | ||
| I was like, you believe I get to do this? | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| And I'm gonna hang and fucking... | ||
| As long as I've been doing it, I still love it. | ||
| I love it as much now as ever. | ||
| Maybe more now than ever. | ||
| I mean, I don't have to do it. | ||
| I'll do five, six shows a fucking week in town. | ||
| And I love it. | ||
| No, that's why you're great. | ||
| I always felt the guys that never stopped going to the club. | ||
| Look, if you continue to tour and you become like a draw, you don't have to go to the clubs in LA. But... | ||
| I feel you pay a price for that because those kids coming up, you're getting something from them too. | ||
| As much as they're watching you going, oh wow, you're that guy that I saw and now I'm doing a show with you. | ||
| And it's just like, kid, you're keeping me young because like... | ||
| Just being around them, you stay current. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And it's like why Dom Irera kills just as hard in 2019 as he did in 2009, 99, 89 is because that fucking guy never stopped going to the gym. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And stays in there. | ||
| So I get something out of going to see. | ||
| I get something out of watching Dom, out of watching you, and then out watching some new kid coming up. | ||
| And just being in all of that keeps you current. | ||
| Because if you don't, you start getting a must. | ||
| That old person dying smell starts to stop waffling on your act. | ||
| Yeah, if you're only doing it to your crowd, too. | ||
| I think there's a problem there too. | ||
| One of the beautiful things about the store is there's 15 guys on the show that night. | ||
| They're there to see everybody. | ||
| They look at the lineup. | ||
| They go, oh shit, Bill Burr. | ||
| Oh shit, Chris D'Elia. | ||
| Oh, Nicky Glazer's on. | ||
| They see all these great comics on there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love Chris D'Elia. | |
| I do too. | ||
| Chris D'Elia is like, from the get-go, I could see, it reminded me of a Boston guy, where it's like, this guy's a legit headliner. | ||
| Just trying to kill. | ||
| Just trying to kill. | ||
| That's all he's dealing with. | ||
| No, and then his concept of killing, I thought was Boston level. | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Well, it's these, you know, and particularly because he's always at the store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That right there? | |
| That right there is me. | ||
| The last match? | ||
| No, but that right there is how I live my life. | ||
| A match? | ||
| The hardest fucking way to do something. | ||
| Why do you do that? | ||
| I do a lot of things that way, but not when it's ineffective. | ||
| I mean, that's one of the reasons why I bow hunt. | ||
| Well, that's where we're deep. | ||
| Yeah, see, I like that. | ||
| I feel if I was going to go out and go kill something cute and fuzzy, if I fucking had a total hypocrite because I am a meat eater anyways, if I used a bow and arrow, it would feel like an accomplishment. | ||
| I watched Ted Nugent kill a bear, which I could never do when there's all these fucking places to just get a chicken sandwich. | ||
| Do I really need to make a fucking, you know, a bear double cheeseburger? | ||
| Do you want to try some? | ||
| I have bear sausage in the freezer back there. | ||
| Would you try it if I gave it to you? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, because I went to the zoo one time and I saw this bear and it was funny because it was sitting half in the water and half out and had its arms, its front legs, fucking like, it looked like it was sitting in a jacuzzi. | ||
| Like a lounge. | ||
| And we pulled up on the bus to look at it and it was just, the way it looked, I kind of locked, I met eyes with the thing and I knew what I was thinking. | ||
| Pull out the video of the bear killing the deer in the backyard while it's eating it alive and the deer's screaming. | ||
| What? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because you need to know what a bear really is. | ||
| When you see bears in real life, you go, oh, that's what that thing is. | ||
| It's a fucking killing machine. | ||
| You'd think the bear would just punch it in the head to stop hearing it. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| See that? | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| No, it's getting it by the neck. | ||
| No, it's taking chunks out of it, bro. | ||
| The reason why that thing's screaming is because it's biting its back. | ||
| Okay, that's enough. | ||
| That sounds like me trying to touch my toes every morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know what's hilarious? | |
| You know what my daughter does? | ||
| She likes to stretch with me. | ||
| She thinks it's funny. | ||
| And she makes those noises because she thinks she's supposed to. | ||
| So when she goes, she goes, I want to stretch a da-da. | ||
| And then she goes... | ||
| I have like a foam roller and she'll come walk in the room and she'll look at me and she'll smile and it's funny, she sits on it because she doesn't know how to use it and she sits down and she just goes, oh! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And my wife laughs at me like, she's imitating how old you are. | ||
| My kids are allowed to hit me as hard as they can. | ||
| I teach them. | ||
| They've taken martial arts classes, but I teach them. | ||
| And one of the things I do is I have them leg kick me. | ||
| I need some advice in that area because I want my daughter to know how to defend herself. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I'll get you a good school near you. | ||
| But I let my kids leg kick me full blast. | ||
| Just full blast. | ||
| And I show them how to do it where the shin slams into the center. | ||
| No. | ||
| I let them fucking slam into me. | ||
| Well, I have men do it. | ||
| I mean, I've been kicked by a lot of people. | ||
| I know, but there's an attrition to that. | ||
| No, you're fine. | ||
| That's right, you're 2019 on the inside. | ||
| He's got Resto Mod legs. | ||
| I let them slam their shit. | ||
| It fucking hurts, man, but I'm letting them know. | ||
| Like, if anybody ever fucks you, if somebody fucks you over, some kid wants to get into a fight, some girl is picking on you, slam one of these bitches right into her fucking thigh. | ||
| It hurts me. | ||
| Debate over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Teach them how to defend themselves. | ||
| It's also important that they understand what it feels like to be in conflict with someone. | ||
| I enrolled them in martial arts classes when they were young. | ||
| My one daughter was four, the other one was six when they first started doing it. | ||
| And it's cool to watch them grapple and do these things. | ||
| I'm like, what's good is you know what it's like to struggle with someone. | ||
| This is not an alien thing for you to struggle with a person. | ||
| When I watch my youngest daughter Grapple with this boy and trip him and slam him onto the ground and get on his knee. | ||
| And then the instructor's like, good job, try again. | ||
| And they're doing it again. | ||
| Like, you know what it's like. | ||
| So they have muscle memory. | ||
| Yeah, well, otherwise it's a... | ||
| It frees up. | ||
| Yeah, your mind doesn't know what happens when someone's trying to do something to you. | ||
| Whereas if you've done it, it's not alien. | ||
| I mean, it's not like you should do it. | ||
| You definitely shouldn't do it to someone if they don't want to do it to you. | ||
| But if someone senses that you're scared of conflict, it's one of the surest signs you're going to get fucked with. | ||
| And that was me a lot of my life. | ||
| Don't need to explain that to me. | ||
| Well, it was me a lot of my life, man. | ||
| I've had both. | ||
| I went from being a kid who was terrified of conflict to being a martial arts champion. | ||
| The reason why I became a martial arts champion is because I was being picked on all the time. | ||
| Kids were always fucking with me. | ||
| I was like, I don't like this. | ||
| So I'm going to become what I'm terrified of. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I should have done that. | ||
| I was just like, well, school ends at three. | ||
| I realistically only do this for another two hours and 45 minutes. | ||
| I went the other way. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| And they used to have to teach you, and they would have the two people, you know, Eddie right way, you know, Mikey bad way. | ||
| We should do that. | ||
| Do a little, we'll make a kid's book. | ||
| Have young me with a fucking orange afro going, there's only two hours and 45 minutes, not knowing that. | ||
| No, in two hours and 45 minutes, all the authority is going to be gone. | ||
| That's the scary thing now with mixed martial arts going mainstream. | ||
| And there's no ref... | ||
| To get in there. | ||
| Like that video I talked about. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what is scary. | ||
| And then everybody, like I think with young kids, it's like, oh, I want to be the guy going, oh! | ||
| You know, that's who they want to be. | ||
| No one wants to be the ref to jump in and say, stop. | ||
| They want to yell out, world star. | ||
| World star, they want to do that, and they all want to have it, and then post it, and get it to have some hits. | ||
| I mean, I'm not shitting on it, because that's what I would be doing if I was young. | ||
| I got a video pulled off of Facebook and Instagram, and I got a community strike, community guideline strike. | ||
| Because it was violence against minors. | ||
| But it was a kid who was picking on another kid. | ||
| He wouldn't stop fucking with this kid. | ||
| And then finally the kid just pushed him away and then put up a stance like he's ready to fight. | ||
| And the kid came after him. | ||
| He kicked him, grabbed him, slammed him on the ground and got him in an armbar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I saw that. | |
| Yeah, that was great. | ||
| It was a fucking amazing video, and the kid didn't even get hurt, but it was a lesson. | ||
| I'm like, this is why it's good to learn martial arts, because this kid was a cunt, and he was fucking with this kid, and the kid knew how to fight. | ||
| So I put it up there. | ||
| Like, look, this is the benefits of learning a martial art. | ||
| Yeah, and then those people who their heart's in the right places don't post that, because that's going to make kids fight other kids. | ||
| No, that's... | ||
| You're not going to, like, through words and hashtags, stop having kids... | ||
| Be kids. | ||
| Be kids. | ||
| And it's going to happen, and... | ||
| The idea that you're going to protect kids from reality by that is just so silly. | ||
| You're not going to stop people from doing things to people. | ||
| You've got to understand what is happening when people do those things and how you can learn how to fight so you can mitigate most of it. | ||
| And then the best part is other kids see you do that and then you become the kid, oh don't fuck with that kid. | ||
| Kid will dislocate your elbow. | ||
| Yeah, that's who you want to be. | ||
| You want to be the nice kid who can fight. | ||
| Everybody leaves you alone. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I went through the entire... | ||
| That should be written somewhere. | ||
| You want to be the nice kid that knows how to fight. | ||
| There's a lot of those kids now. | ||
| There's so many more. | ||
| Getting in a fight in school today with someone you don't know is a risky proposition. | ||
| There's so many kids that know jujitsu. | ||
| So many kids that take Muay Thai. | ||
| Everything is on another level. | ||
| You should see these fucking kids coming up playing drums. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| Just the shit that they can do is... | ||
| It's fucking bananas! | ||
| Really? | ||
| Nobody could do that. | ||
| This kid's doing shit that's beyond... | ||
| As far as independence, okay, what they're doing is beyond what I saw a lot of guys when I first started buying VHS tapes, drum instructional videos. | ||
| Now, they don't have the seasoned, they don't necessarily have the feel and all of that and know how to apply it. | ||
| Necessarily, in a musical sense, because that just comes with experience. | ||
| But what they have in their fucking arsenal for chops is fucking insane. | ||
| Because of YouTube, you think? | ||
| Yeah, because you're jamming with the world now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So it becomes, oh, I'm going to try that. | ||
| Now, the people who do it, the most basic level, me, is I just see what somebody does, and I try to learn how to do it. | ||
| And I've only now since doing comedy... | ||
| Going like, oh, I'm like a joke thief, except I just took that guy's groove that he just came up with. | ||
| You're supposed to be inspired by it to turn it into something else or work on something else that you're doing. | ||
| That's like another level that, you know, eventually you get to, I think, as a musician you do. | ||
| Um... | ||
| As far as me watching them, not as a musician. | ||
| But, like, just seeing what these kids can physically fucking do. | ||
| It's... | ||
| The guitar players, the bass players, the... | ||
| I saw... | ||
| When it went viral, there was this little girl from, like, Japan. | ||
| Played good times, bad times. | ||
| Like, it was nothing. | ||
| And Robert Plant is watching it. | ||
| Like, going, it's shit. | ||
| And he's used something... | ||
| It's like she's falling off a log. | ||
| Which meant, like, it was nothing. | ||
| It was nothing to her. | ||
| I've been trying to play those fucking triplets my whole life and I still don't have it down. | ||
| I'm just like, fuck! | ||
| What is it about... | ||
| Is it just kids learn quicker because they don't have as much shit in their head? | ||
| Well, back in the day, when you heard something... | ||
| First of all, you had cassette tapes. | ||
| You had to keep fucking rewinding it. | ||
| And you're at the mercy of your own bedroom. | ||
| Like, there's nobody in there. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And now... | ||
| And then when you have to add the record, you could maybe slow it down. | ||
| Okay, but even then you had, you know, you're slowing it down. | ||
| There's still the bass. | ||
| You're trying to get everything in it. | ||
| It's hard to fucking hear. | ||
| Nowadays, somebody who's a fucking expert or whatever, a so-called expert, because, you know, the guys who actually play go, you know, there's a lot of people teaching, don't know what the fuck they're doing, like with the martial arts shit that you show. | ||
| They'll break the whole fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is this her? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In her little cute fucking little girl socks. | ||
| Look at those fucking triplets she's doing. | ||
| It's like it's nothing. | ||
| Look at her little socks. | ||
| Look at her face. | ||
| Oh my god, it's adorable. | ||
| No, she's killing it. | ||
| That's the thing too. | ||
| She's not just doing what John did. | ||
| She's playing it. | ||
| Is she playing two Led Zeppelin? | ||
| Is that why you can't play it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, is that why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Yeah, you can't play the actual. | ||
| She's smiling like, whee! | ||
| That's the look I had in her face when somebody gave me an ice cream. | ||
| How old do you think she is? | ||
| Seven, eight? | ||
| Wow, look at that. | ||
| She's a killer. | ||
| I think it's awesome that you're into music. | ||
| It's another thing. | ||
| And I was thinking that, too, when you were taking me up in the helicopter ride. | ||
| You do these other things, and you get really into them. | ||
| I'll tell you what's crazy. | ||
| Right now, I'm going for my instrument rating. | ||
| That's to basically fly in... | ||
| If you were to come into a city, and the whole city's covered with clouds, and you can't fucking see anything, how to use your instruments. | ||
| Yeah, this is what separates... | ||
| The men from the boys, right? | ||
| So it's something that was really intimidating, so I finally decided to do it. | ||
| So the guy I'm taking the lessons from... | ||
| I don't know if I should say this. | ||
| I just don't want to blow up people. | ||
| I never know how much private they want to be. | ||
| So I fucking go in there because somebody goes, all right, I know the guy. | ||
| I know the fucking guy. | ||
| My instructor goes, I got the best fucking guy in L.A. So I go to his house because I'm going to fly on a simulator, which is going to save me a ton of fucking money. | ||
| Initially and then eventually. | ||
| So you know what the fuck you're supposed to be doing when you start spending a bunch of money flying up. | ||
| What does a simulator look like? | ||
| It's literally a computer screen. | ||
| It just has like an airplane yoke and a throttle thing. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| But it's getting you to look at like you have a six pack of gauges and then you have these other two, these OBS or whatever. | ||
| It's a bunch of shit. | ||
| I don't want to fucking try to explain here. | ||
| But you're looking at that. | ||
| That becomes your eyes. | ||
| That becomes looking out the window is looking at your fucking gauges. | ||
| And it's unbelievably claustrophobic and fucking terrifying if you got into that type of weather and you don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| That's how you die. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Now... | ||
| So anyways, I go over to this guy's fucking house. | ||
| He's, hey, how you doing? | ||
| You know, I'm so-and-so. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| I walk into his house. | ||
| He's got a whole music studio in there with like a fucking Grammy. | ||
| He has this whole other fucking life where he like won a Grammy last year for writing a song in some major fucking superhero movie. | ||
| And he's like a prodigy, piano player. | ||
| And then we go in the... | ||
| And he's also... | ||
| He got into flying and just took it to the level that he became an instructor. | ||
| And I just sit across from the guy in awe going, all of that is fucking in that. | ||
| It's fucking unbelievable. | ||
| If you put your mind to shit... | ||
| What you can accomplish is crazy. | ||
| Meeting somebody who's doing that inspires you, like, alright, I think I can do this. | ||
| So before I came over, I was outlining chapter four in the fucking thing, but there's all like gauges and shit and little question marks and stuff. | ||
| It's like, alright, I'm going to figure out how to do this. | ||
| And it's becoming less intimidating, but I haven't gone up yet. | ||
| But just as far as getting back to these kids, because the fact that she's eight and can do that, is she hasn't got credit card debt, she's not in some fucking relationship dating some loser kid who's playing videos all day, games all day, and she has to come up with her half the rent. | ||
| She has this whole fucking wonderment. | ||
| And kids, they're positive that stuff is possible. | ||
| Do you wish you could do that? | ||
| Just have nothing but one thing to concentrate on? | ||
| Just completely free of all the nonsense of life? | ||
| I'm not wired that way. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I think that's why I'm not into speed when driving. | ||
| I like to do it every once in a while, but I like cruising along because it relaxes me and kind of shuts down the fucking thunder and lightning of like, oh, let's do this. | ||
| Let's do this for 10 minutes, and I'll do this for fucking six minutes and blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that shit. | ||
| So... | ||
| Yeah, I drive in like the right lane. | ||
| Well, you and I are very similar in that way that we have a bunch of other shit that we do. | ||
| You get into shit like heavily, heavily into something else. | ||
| Yeah, if I get into it, I get into it. | ||
| It does hurt me a little bit because I'm starting to find like I don't know what's going on in the world, which is scary as a comic. | ||
| So I got to... | ||
| Dip back in, but... | ||
| It's healthier, though. | ||
| But my wife... | ||
| But you also have to know what's going on. | ||
| You kind of got to know who's current in music. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I learned that when I tried... | ||
| I needed a reference for a pop star, and I did it at a college in, like, four or five years ago or whatever, and the last time I did a fucking college gig. | ||
| And I used Britney Spears as a reference, and they were all looking... | ||
| Like, it just died. | ||
| And I was like, oh, wait a minute. | ||
| She's, like, mid-30s, divorced mother of two. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But in my world, she was still 19. Yeah, we were looking at Instagram numbers. | ||
| Who was it? | ||
| Selena Gomez? | ||
| Her and Ariana Grande are up, but Cristiano Ronaldo was the top. | ||
| Right, but singers. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like 190,000 million fucking Instagram. | ||
| I mean, she's got 160 or some crazy shit. | ||
| It's like 130 and 150 or something like that. | ||
| Fucking insane. | ||
| Handling that in her 20s. | ||
| How do you not be crazy? | ||
| And good luck when you're older. | ||
| You know, Justin Bieber had a post the other day on his Instagram talking about all the drugs that he did when he was younger and how much it fucked him up, and now he's got a relationship with the Lord, and he's married, and he's trying to be a normal person, but he's struggling with the fact that he was insanely famous when he was a kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not something I would... | ||
| I like seeing people become successful, but that's not something I would wish on somebody. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not healthy. | ||
| You almost wish he made it now. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But even then, he's still a kid. | ||
| He's like 24, 25. But better now than making it at six. | ||
| When you're a little kid and you become famous and you're the one calling the shots, you realize all these people are... | ||
| You're responsible for their income. | ||
| Your brain's still developing and you have everybody saying yes around you. | ||
| His brain is still developing now. | ||
| Your frontal lobe isn't even fully formed until you're 25. I was going to say that, but I didn't know that. | ||
| He's a baby. | ||
| He's a fucking young boy, but he's trying to figure it out. | ||
| They were roasting him on Comedy Central four years ago. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And he already had like $900 million in the bank. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had accomplished enough by like 22 to get roasted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, most people get roasted. | ||
| They're like fucking my age. | ||
| Alec Baldwin, the one they just did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| Big fan of his. | ||
| I don't know him. | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| No, I actually was on a flight one time and he was sitting next to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And I was like, I'm not going to talk to him, I'm not going to bug him. | ||
| And then he just leaned over with that matinee idol voice. | ||
| He's like, do you fly often? | ||
| I was like, yes I do! | ||
| And what I found with him was if you just talked about anything other than him or him being him, he would totally talk. | ||
| But the second I ever veered it towards what he did, he just didn't have any interest in talking. | ||
| So I was like, all right, I get it. | ||
| He's tired of it. | ||
| So the time I did talk, I just would talk about... | ||
| Anything but that. | ||
| Well, have you ever sat next to someone and was like, hey, how do you come up with your material? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, oh, it's fucking red eyes. | |
| Right here. | ||
| This is how I come up with it. | ||
| What was that one guy? | ||
| Where you going, Bill? | ||
| What was that one story? | ||
| Oh, that guy. | ||
| That poor guy. | ||
| He was on something. | ||
| He got all paranoid and he had some sort of military background. | ||
| He was going to save the whole plane. | ||
| He had this idea that you were a bad guy. | ||
| That was a hilarious story, though. | ||
| Yeah, he had the idea that I was acting fidgety and nervous. | ||
| Because he was fidgety and nervous. | ||
| No, I'm also a fucking lunatic. | ||
| I was probably fucking thinking of 50 things at the same time. | ||
| I probably was acting that way, but he took it to the whole other level. | ||
| Yeah, he stopped the plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| We pulled over. | ||
| Because he goes, if you don't fucking... | ||
| I'm going to push that button. | ||
| I was like, fucking push it. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I forgot that whole story. | ||
| He was a military guy, right? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| People that think they have good instincts and their instincts suck are the worst. | ||
| People think, I've just got a good way of reading people. | ||
| Actually, you don't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's two ways to go into something. | ||
| Humbly and say, I don't know shit. | ||
| And as you learn shit and you think, oh, and I'm starting to know, oh my God, there's all this other stuff I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then there's other people, they learn a little bit, and then they're this authority. | ||
| Trump. | ||
| And then you get a couple of drinks at them, and yeah, next thing you know, a plane has to pull over. | ||
| How did they resolve that? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I don't really remember either. | ||
| It wasn't something I dwelled on. | ||
| I just remembered the stewardess coming over, talking to us like we're children. | ||
| Like, are you two going to be okay next to each other? | ||
| And I'm just like, I'm fine. | ||
| I don't know what this guy's doing. | ||
| And he continued to yammer at me until he just passed out. | ||
| And then I think when we finally landed, he was kind of sober. | ||
| And I think he was starting to feel a little stupid, I think. | ||
| We've all been there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've all been there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sure he's a nice guy. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe he's dead. | |
| Maybe not. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There's one way to do it. | ||
| That's another ending to the movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think that will test well with the- Maybe he went walking through the woods one day. | |
| Alright, I'm going to let you introduce the next topic. | ||
| I don't know where to go with that guy's fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe he got eaten by a bear? | |
| That's a way to go, boy. | ||
| If you had to be eaten by any animal, what would it be? | ||
| Oh, the bigger, the better. | ||
| Shark. | ||
| Over quick. | ||
| No, not shark. | ||
| I don't like that because I don't like my head being here and the evils under here. | ||
| And it's going to take a bite out of me first to see if I'm edible. | ||
| And then you're just sitting there, you know, missing a chunk of your leg going, please don't let me taste good. | ||
| Please don't let me taste good. | ||
| Let him just fucking leave. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Sharks used to be, if you caught a shark, people were happy. | ||
| You got that fucking thing out of the water. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Like when fishermen would bring in a shark, people would get excited. | ||
| Now you're a monster. | ||
| Well, there's this thing that I follow about sharks on Instagram. | ||
| And like, it's fucked. | ||
| This person found a tiger shark. | ||
| The 18-footer or some shit, right? | ||
| She somehow gained this thing's confidence and had some fishing line and took it out. | ||
| This can't be real. | ||
| And then somehow she ran into the thing again in the ocean and she was petting it like a fucking lapdog. | ||
| Trying to suggest that this thing knew her and was happy and respected. | ||
| I mean, the way they cut it together, and of course the music always takes you emotionally where they want you to go, but I was just watching that whole thing going like, it's good that you did that, but I don't think you're at the, I can now, this tiger shark has talked to all the other tiger sharks. | ||
| No, no, no, Bill's cool. | ||
| Do you remember Beastmaster? | ||
| Remember that TV show? | ||
| No. | ||
| There was a dude who was like a jack dude. | ||
| He had like big bracelets on and he would fucking commune with the animals and they would like land on his shoulder and shit. | ||
| Like eagles would land on his arms and all the animals would listen to him. | ||
| It was a really stupid show. | ||
| Because there's nothing humble about that name. | ||
| Beastmaster. | ||
| Beastmaster. | ||
| They're allowing you to live and now you're acting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta have the Tarzan hair. | ||
| Who was the guy in Beastmaster? | ||
| Beastmaster. | ||
| Was it a TV show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I think it was a TV show. | |
| That looks like a TV show. | ||
| I think it was a TV show. | ||
| It was a TV show? | ||
| That guy had this special relationship with the animals. | ||
| They all listened to him. | ||
| I didn't know he had a sword, too. | ||
| He had a big dick, too, judging by how long that fucking loincloth is. | ||
| It's like hanging down below his knees. | ||
| If you don't have a big dick, the lion is not going to listen to you. | ||
| Look, that eagle's landing on his arm. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Yeah, this was like the Conan and the Barbarian days. | ||
| Like, after Conan, the movie, was a giant hit. | ||
| There was a lot of dudes with their shirts off holding swords. | ||
| Holding swords. | ||
| It was a thing. | ||
| Telling lions where to go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll tell you one thing that I would never do in acting is I will never, ever... | ||
| I probably shouldn't say this, but, like, working with monkeys, aside from you know it's going to be a bad movie... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just no... | |
| Fucking way. | ||
| I worked with a writer who got attacked by a monkey when he was a kid. | ||
| And it was just one of those organ grinder ones and they fucked him up. | ||
| One of those fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The eating disorder monkey. | |
| After he eats all the bananas, it goes and pukes. | ||
| It's in show business, man. | ||
| It's got to dance for the organ grinder music. | ||
| Are there fat monkeys? | ||
| And he was talking about his clarity and understanding of monkeys just by getting attacked by one. | ||
| He goes, nah. | ||
| He goes, I won't do it. | ||
| He goes, you do like you're good for about 18, 20 minutes. | ||
| And then the monkey just starts fucking acting crazy. | ||
| And then eventually it just gets like, you know. | ||
| I've always said that. | ||
| You go to the circus, like a bear doesn't want to ride a bicycle. | ||
| So what did they do to that fucking thing to make it give in? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's a bear. | ||
| So eventually it's going to become a bear again, you know? | ||
| And something's got, like, oh, like those circus, all that shit. | ||
| It's just, it's inevitable, like, what you're doing. | ||
| Yeah, circus are dark. | ||
| Because what they do to elephants and monkeys and bears, there's a great video. | ||
| It's not a good, well, it's horrible. | ||
| Do you have any happy videos of animals just existing? | ||
| I don't save those. | ||
| I know you don't. | ||
| Just them chilling out. | ||
| There was a video of a chimp riding a bike and a bear riding a bike. | ||
| And the chimp tripped up the bear somehow. | ||
| And they crashed. | ||
| And the bear grabs ahold of the chimp and just rips it apart in front of everybody. | ||
| With that fucking... | ||
| Yeah, here it is. | ||
| So the bear's riding, and the chimp's riding, and they collide. | ||
| And when they collide, the bear is fucking furious at the chimp and just starts fucking wrecking him. | ||
| It has like road rage, right? | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Goes down. | ||
| And he tries to help him get back on the bike. | ||
| Is this it? | ||
| Is this the one? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's got the chimp right there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's too late. | ||
| I thought they have a muzzle on the fucking thing. | ||
| Oh, not this time. | ||
| They trusted him. | ||
| So he just fucks up that chimp and they can't get it away from him. | ||
| That's not even a big bear. | ||
| That's a small bear. | ||
| No, dude, that's fucking huge. | ||
| Would you want to fight that guy in a bar? | ||
| No. | ||
| That guy that stocky? | ||
| That hairy coming at you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That George Animal Steel? | |
| It's just such a stupid fucking form of entertainment. | ||
| You know, let's get animals to do shit that they don't normally do. | ||
| People are freaking out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| I like it took them that long to stand up to realize that's not part of the show. | ||
| Something about music. | ||
| It can just take you emotionally where you want them to go. | ||
| So they're saying... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he ripping them apart? | |
| Can you imagine that that used to be show business? | ||
| You used to be in a covered wagon. | ||
| You'd pull into town. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, gather round! | ||
| And there was a show. | ||
| And then, you know, you have a minstrel show and people would sing and do puppets and there'd be a play. | ||
| When do you think the first guy got up and told jokes and made people laugh? | ||
| Like, when was our first... | ||
| Oh, who's that guy? | ||
| He wrote that great book on the history of stand-up. | ||
| And it was a guy like Frank Fay or something like that. | ||
| He was the first guy that went out there like, I don't need to have a fucking hula hoop and spinning plates. | ||
| And he just went out and was like, I'm just going to tell stories and make them like... | ||
| He kind of did a monologue type of thing. | ||
| He was the first guy. | ||
| If I have it right... | ||
| I think it was the 20s. | ||
| And then in the 40s, he was actually on the side of the fascists. | ||
| He was a fascist. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, there was people in this country that, you know, didn't think what those guys were doing was necessarily wrong. | ||
| Which really, if you look at the history, forget about this country or humanity. | ||
| Like, there's always been that. | ||
| So, what fucked his career, if I'm remembering this correctly, this could be like fucking... | ||
| I hope I'm saying the right guy. | ||
| So, he ended up doing this... | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Frank Faye stand-up. | ||
| He did this show... | ||
| I guess that's earlier when he's doing the props. | ||
| He's come out dressed like he's in the Foreign Legion. | ||
| But he did a show right after World War II, right after he won, and it was a pro-fascist rally in New York City, and he was the big name. | ||
| He signed on to do it, and the night was called the Friends of Frank Faye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| The first stand-up comic was a fascist. | ||
| How strange. | ||
| No, I can't say. | ||
| I don't know that. | ||
| But then there's other people that... | ||
| I got a buddy of mine that will argue that Mark Twain was. | ||
| Yeah, Samuel Clements. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Will argue that he was the first stand-up. | ||
| So I don't know really necessarily. | ||
| I think it just sort of... | ||
| It sort of poked its head up and then ducked back down like somebody improv'd a line. | ||
| Like, hey, I did that without my hula hoop. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| And it went good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they got sick of lugging shit around or something. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| Did you ever see Lenny with Dustin Hoffman? | ||
| Yeah, he was great in that. | ||
| I mean, he really came off like a comic. | ||
| He really seemed like he was Lenny Bruce. | ||
| No, he's an incredible, incredible actor. | ||
| I actually went down a rabbit hole looking up a bunch of shit about him. | ||
| Oh no, it wasn't that. | ||
| I don't even know how I went down this rabbit hole. | ||
| Talk about before 9-11, what you could do and then still walk around a free man 18 months later. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Like these people on the Upper East Side, I don't know what the fuck they were doing. | ||
| This really radicalized time, like the 60s, early 70s. | ||
| I don't know what the – somewhere around that time, these people were making a bomb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, and these rich kids or some shit because it was like in a townhouse on the Upper East Side. | ||
| And Dustin Hoffman had one on that block close enough to it. | ||
| And these fucking idiots blew themselves up, blew the fucking building up and fucked with his townhouses. | ||
| And there's a picture of him, if you can find it, is he grabbed some piece of expensive art that he had bought, got it out of his house, and it's a picture of a young Dustin Hoffman walking up the street. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| This poor guy, like, had the balls to go after a dream. | ||
| You know, you think it's hard making this a comic. | ||
| I don't even know how the fuck he made it as an actor. | ||
| Now, forget about then. | ||
| Yeah, look at it. | ||
| Blew up their whole fucking thing. | ||
| And he's like, I made it. | ||
| I'm on the Upper East Side. | ||
| Everything's great. | ||
| Look at that fucking building's missing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| So he owns something close enough to that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ, it's crazy. | ||
| It's like all the building to the left's fine, building to the right's fine, and that building's obliterated. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure that there was some damage done to those other ones. | ||
| But it's crazy how the one in the middle is just missing. | ||
| No, but if you look it up, the jail time that they got, well, I mean, obviously the person who was down there, the people down there died, I think. | ||
| But then they figured out who was in cahoots with them. | ||
| But also their parents owned a townhouse on the Upper East Side. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Listen, Jimmy's been a little, you know, distant. | ||
| Your honor. | ||
| You know, they go to the same fucking party. | ||
| Yeah, you can get away with shit before the internet. | ||
| They passed around some cash. | ||
| Do you ever see a documentary? | ||
| Yeah, that chick who shot fucking Andy Warhol. | ||
| Barely did any fucking time, and then years later, how he died. | ||
| I always thought he drugged himself for just doing drugs or partying, but I think it was complications from... | ||
| The bullet wound. | ||
| Yeah, when you get shot. | ||
| Organ damage. | ||
| Well, when you get shot in the gut, too, that's the fucking worst because all that shit that breaks down your food seeps in the infections and the shit that happens. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| What did she shoot him for? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not saying anybody was a great fucking person here, but that's never a solution. | ||
| But the jail time that that person got was ridiculously short, and then he's got to live the rest of his life dealing with the fallout of what that person did to him, and then also knowing that that crazy chick is out there. | ||
| Well, isn't the guy who shot Reagan out now? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think they were going to let him out, and he was like, no, guys, no, you don't want to do that anymore. | ||
| I think he said that. | ||
| I thought they let him out. | ||
| My memory isn't the greatest. | ||
| I'm probably combining all three of these stories and it's actually about... | ||
| He's out? | ||
| Quick wiki says he's released. | ||
| What's his name again? | ||
| John Hinckley. | ||
| You should look up everything I say. | ||
| Actually, Bill, it's completely the other direction. | ||
| Do you ever watch a documentary on The Weathermen? | ||
| Do you remember the Weathermen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| The Weathermen were a radical terrorist group from the 60s. | ||
| I thought it was like some Ron Burgundy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| 60s or 70s? | ||
| That's what that Grinch bombing has something to do with that. | ||
| There's like a group called like the SDS, the Students of Democratic Society, which was an offshoot of the Weathermen. | ||
| I'm just looking through the Wikipedia of the story. | ||
| Where they radicalized rich white kids? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Well, one of the guys who was one of the weathermen went on to become a professor at a university in Chicago, and that was one of the things that they were talking about when Obama was running for president. | ||
| He's friends with a terrorist, because he knew this guy from his university days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Wasn't that like the idea in Fight Club that the Project Mayhem? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| That's the same sort of idea where they just wanted to fuck up all sorts of different things in society and not troll people, but like bomb shit. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We should have asked Chuck when he was in here. | ||
| But the Weathermen, anyway, the documentary is crazy. | ||
| They wanted to take down society and they wanted to take down the government. | ||
| So they were doing acid and having orgies and showing up to places and blowing things up. | ||
| And there was no like, so then we can rebuild it? | ||
| It was just like, let's just fuck it up. | ||
| I mean, I think there's a lot of anarchists, a lot of people in their youth where they want to just tear the whole fucking thing down. | ||
| You know, I was having a conversation with my wife about this, really interesting. | ||
| Just the other day, we were out at dinner, and she was like, when she was young, she had a rough childhood, and she was hoping that society would fall apart, because her life was a mess, and other people's lives were great. | ||
| And she had this thing in her head, like, she hoped society crumbled. | ||
| Because then everything would be fucked all over the world. | ||
| No one would be okay. | ||
| Because her life wasn't okay. | ||
| I'm like, that's really interesting. | ||
| Yeah, really interesting. | ||
| Because her insight, the way she was talking about it, it was like... | ||
| Because she was remembering that very specifically when she was young. | ||
| You know, chaotic. | ||
| That's why that Tarantino movie is so funny to me. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I don't think they ever say hippie without saying fucking hippie. | ||
| Everybody goes, fucking hippie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, there's always been people like that, right? | ||
| There's always been people who want to take the whole fucking thing down, you know? | ||
| I want to know when you can buy that movie and own it. | ||
| Because back in the day, you just buy the DVD. Because that is like you're going on tour. | ||
| That's going to be a Goodfellas movie for me where I'm going to watch that thing 5,000 times in my life and always see something new in it. | ||
| And then it becomes like the second time I saw it. | ||
| I realized how great the actor playing... | ||
| I'm trying to talk all this surface. | ||
| Yeah, don't give any spoiler alerts. | ||
| Well, this guy, he plays a director that's going to direct Leonardo DiCaprio. | ||
| And what that guy does with that role and how many inside jokes... | ||
| You don't have to be in show business. | ||
| How fucking... | ||
| Funny that guy is. | ||
| It's like, you know, the 90th time I watched Goodfellas, I realized how funny that guy was, the guy who had the wigs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, Morty. | |
| Yeah, how fucking hilarious and how great that guy played that degenerate gambler. | ||
| Because the first time you watch it, it's like Joe Pesci and De Niro. | ||
| You've seen all of those guys. | ||
| And then you start to like Frankie Carbone and the roast beef guy and all of that shit. | ||
| But then you just watch it and it's like everybody is great in this. | ||
| Everybody took one or two lines and everybody just hit a home run. | ||
| You know what freaked me out in that movie that I couldn't believe? | ||
| The violence against women. | ||
| Like the scenes, the fight scenes. | ||
| I don't want to give anything away. | ||
| But there was some where you're like, whoa! | ||
| You could still do this in a movie? | ||
| Like, holy shit! | ||
| That's my favorite quote from Tarantino. | ||
| What? | ||
| I saw an interview one time and they were saying like, yeah, I was trying to write movies and stuff, you know, and they were going like, you can't do this, you can't do that. | ||
| He's like, wait a minute. | ||
| He goes, I can do whatever the fuck I want. | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| Well, that's why your movies are great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whether you like him or not, you're just like, that's the comic I want to watch. | ||
| I can say whatever the fuck I want. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| I want to see you totally unfiltered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, there's a time and a place, I think, you know, to be filtered. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's no sense just going in and showing your ass and being a, you know, if somebody hires you for a private gig and they go, okay, perform between these two lines. | ||
| You're not Lenny Bruce if you go in there and you go outside and you're a fucking asshole. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because you agreed to do that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You do a corporate gig for a Christian church. | ||
| Right, but if you're at like a comedy club, it's like, no, you're a guest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You came into a nightclub, so this isn't, you know, if you don't like it, you leave. | ||
| Well, no, it came to see you, specifically. | ||
| And all the other people did, too. | ||
| And the one or two people that'll get upset, well, you're the problem. | ||
| The other people are there to see this kind of shit because it's so rare to see. | ||
| It's incredibly selfish. | ||
| It'd be like if I went to a restaurant and I didn't like the meal and then the chef owed me an apology and had to change his menu. | ||
| And you didn't want anybody else to eat. | ||
| Stop eating. | ||
| I hate this food. | ||
| And if you go in there and eat off of that menu, then you're part of the fucking problem. | ||
| And I'm going to try to take you down too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you didn't have a problem with this fucking chicken and dumplings, whatever the fuck. | ||
| Whatever the fuck he's making. | ||
| Strange time. | ||
| Strange. | ||
| Best name special, I feel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, I didn't know what else to call it. | ||
| That's all I could think of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like it because it's not... | ||
| You're not punching him in the... | ||
| It's strange. | ||
| It's a weird time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Paper Tiger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| How long do you think you're going to wait until you do another one? | ||
| Do you have an idea in your head? | ||
| Are you going to try to do two years? | ||
| What are you trying to do? | ||
| Do you have a set schedule? | ||
| No, I never think that. | ||
| No, because that takes the enjoyment out of it. | ||
| It's more like... | ||
| I had a bit that I was doing... | ||
| The first time I told this story in my new hour, two women yelled out simultaneously. | ||
| And they yelled the same thing, which means they whispered to each other, let's yell this in 3, 2, 1. And I go, oh, go fuck yourself. | ||
| I got into that with them. | ||
| And then they went upstairs and I'm like, it's a comedy club. | ||
| I know they're still there because comedy club security is the worst thing. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| They don't know how to kick people out. | ||
| So I went upstairs. | ||
| I put the hoodie up and all of that shit. | ||
| They said they were at the bar. | ||
| I walked by, and then I go outside the club, took the hoodie off, and then they were there, and then we got into it again. | ||
| And I was just like, you don't even know me. | ||
| Go fuck yourselves. | ||
| You know what the fuck I'm saying? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| What were they mad at? | ||
| Just my perception on something. | ||
| I was telling a fucking story, right? | ||
| So... | ||
| And it had to do with a lesbian. | ||
| And then it was the wrong show to do it on, because I think it was kind of a gay show. | ||
| I mean, I went up there, they had paper cutouts of dicks all over the place, so I'm like, alright. | ||
| But it's a comedy club, so I'm telling the story I want to tell. | ||
| So I told the story, you know. | ||
| So it took me a little while, you know, to kind of... | ||
| Pretty much, I mean, it was like, you know, I don't want to have that kind of interaction with people. | ||
| So I've just been, you know, working the bit out, working the bit out. | ||
| And then, like, you know, I did the joke the other night at the Laugh Factory. | ||
| And the exact person from that group came up to me, told me she loved the joke, and she was just like, I feel like you were describing my life. | ||
| And I'm like, that's why... | ||
| That's the fun of this shit. | ||
| And... | ||
| You know, as people say, like, you're working out a joke. | ||
| I can't do it at home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have to go out there and just start throwing shit against the wall and see how to piece this stuff together. | ||
| So, to go back to, like, when are you going to do a special again? | ||
| Like, I enjoy this part too much to, um... | ||
| Rush it. | ||
| We had to be thinking about like, you know, then you're like, okay, I'm doing a special. | ||
| I'm taping it here and then I'm in the bubble. | ||
| And then every night I go on stage and it's just like, okay, no, no, no, I got to do this. | ||
| And maybe what if I opened with this? | ||
| And what if I put it in? | ||
| And it just becomes, you know, there's this added weight to it that makes it like, you know, the opposite reason, the entire reason why I got into this business was not to have a fucking real job. | ||
| I wanted to have fun. | ||
| So this, which goes back to what I was talking about you when I was watching. | ||
| I was like, ah, fuck, Joe's on the other side. | ||
| He shot his special, and now he's going down. | ||
| And as much as it can be frustrating putting it together, he's having fun every night, seeing, all right, where's this idea going to go? | ||
| Is this going to leave? | ||
| Because when I'm putting together a new hour, I have some of the hackiest shit ever. | ||
| And I take all of those rules and throw them out the window. | ||
| I don't give a fuck if you see me doing these jokes. | ||
| And... | ||
| Most of them don't live, but some of them grow into something that's- Better. | ||
| Yeah, and then it's not hacky, and now it's this thing that then shoots off into this, and then you just start spinning off over here. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, hey, I got like eight minutes. | ||
| I got 12 minutes. | ||
| They're seeds, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's starting to come together. | ||
| So when people go down there, and it's literally like, it's not even done. | ||
| You're just starting to draw- And they're reacting to it, saying it sucks. | ||
| And it's like, it's not done. | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| Yeah, I agree with you. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is how it work out. | ||
| But some people know that. | ||
| Some people understand that. | ||
| Some people think they're coming to see a finished product. | ||
| Most people. | ||
| Most people now, today, in 2019. Yeah, crowds are great. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's just one person in 50 shows complains, and it's, you know, because there's so much shit to look at, like controversy gets people to stop at your website, and then you get credit from the advertisers in the side, and then they gas up shit, and they... | ||
| You know, I saw a guy recently talking, he goes, you know, it's weird, everyone on the internet hates me, but I walk down the street and everybody loves me. | ||
| So it's just like, so what's really going on there? | ||
| What's going on is the small percentage that don't like you is being shown to be the majority. | ||
| Well, it's a very vocal minority who get upset about things, and they're adamant about it, and they're very active. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| The people that are upset about certain things, people that are really responding to outrage culture. | ||
| Because then you can do exactly, nine times out of ten, exactly what they're complaining is being done to them. | ||
| They turn around and then do something. | ||
| Trying to find their justice. | ||
| And they just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The irony seems to be lost on these people. | ||
| But, like, I don't talk about... | ||
| I try not to talk about that shit a lot because I don't want to give it any more added weight than it deserves. | ||
| And it's just like... | ||
| Well, it's recent. | ||
| If people bring it up, I just say, you know, not everybody's going to like me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| I don't need everybody... | ||
| I just need enough people... | ||
| To fill up enough of wherever I'm playing so I can continue doing this. | ||
| That's all I need. | ||
| Not only that, as a comedy fan, what you're doing right now, what you're doing in the special, the stuff that I saw you working out before the special, is what I always wanted to see. | ||
| As a comedy fan, that's what I like. | ||
| I like people who take risks, who say crazy shit that you know you're walking out on a line. | ||
| You're on a wire. | ||
| You know, I want to see you, like that Troops bit. | ||
| You're walking a fucking wire, and you can feel it. | ||
| You can feel buttholes clenching up while you start the bit. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| That kind of comedy, to me, is the most fun. | ||
| Especially now, at this day and age, with all my years in comedy, if something still makes me go, oh shit, where's he going? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then you pull it off. | ||
| But the thing is, if you're going to keep being a comedian, then you know how to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So then you're just going to be bored if you just wrote shit that you knew the crowd was going to like and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| But to then challenge yourself to kind of, hey, can I? Yeah. | ||
| Can I say what I think about this in a funny way that doesn't put people... | ||
| Because I'm not that guy. | ||
| I don't want to walk the crowd. | ||
| I don't want to have people waiting to yell at me. | ||
| There's certain people that like that and kind of want to be that person. | ||
| That's not what I'm trying to do. | ||
| I just want to make you laugh. | ||
| And I definitely will steer into... | ||
| I have a lot of silly shit too, but I'll steer into some areas or whatever. | ||
| But... | ||
| It's all, like, just done in fun. | ||
| It's just done in fun. | ||
| It's just silly. | ||
| You just listen to some idiot in a bar. | ||
| That's all you're doing. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And if you're not there to see that, well, then you picked the wrong place. | ||
| Yeah, it's not legislation. | ||
| Now you know. | ||
| Go home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just saw a great quote. | ||
| Joan Rivers said that. | ||
| One of my favorites of all time. | ||
| What'd she say? | ||
| Saying a comedian should never apologize for a joke. | ||
| It just means you didn't get the joke. | ||
| That bitch was ruthless. | ||
| She was ruthless. | ||
| To the day she died, she was ruthless. | ||
| No, I saw her. | ||
| I saw her towards the end of her life, and I was just going like, I couldn't pull that off. | ||
| I couldn't pull that off. | ||
| But she was also somebody that was like Carlin... | ||
| Where they didn't just go, okay, I got here and we're satisfied. | ||
| They just kept going to higher and higher levels. | ||
| And I'm telling you, if you watch her on the Ed Sullivan show, okay, in the 60s, where her act was at versus the 70s and then the 80s and the 90s, there's very few artists that you watch that their trajectory is this. | ||
| Continuing to climb. | ||
| Jack Lemmon, one of my favorite actors of all time. | ||
| You watch him in The Apartment, as great as he is in that, Jack Lemmon in Glengarry Glen Ross blows away Jack Lemmon in 1960-61 because, you know, not like I knew the guy, but like, if you don't take the ride... | ||
| Is what I call it, you know, when people say, yeah, yeah, and you just, yeah, I'm fucking, yeah, that's when you just level off and you start to go back down. | ||
| If you keep going, like, I can learn from younger people, I can learn from older people, peers, you'll continue, but it's constant, like, work. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| If you put the work in, like, I'm hoping. | ||
| Because both of them fascinate me equally, Carlin and Joan Rivers, how they went like this. | ||
| And Carlin was so fucking out there, I thought there was comedians that didn't get what he was doing towards the end. | ||
| And now you go back and watch what the fuck he was saying in the 2000s, and all of that shit is happening. | ||
| He was ahead of the curve. | ||
| Yeah, people thought he was overreacting. | ||
| Or now he's just this angry old man. | ||
| He saw where it was going. | ||
| You need to go back and listen. | ||
| He's trying to warn you about some shit and he was just 100% I mean, just fucking on the money. | ||
| Like, I can watch shit that he said in 1990 and be like, yeah, that actually, I know what that is right now. | ||
| Like, that's not like, I mean, that's almost like 30 years ago and you don't watch it like he's up there like, hey, take my wife, please. | ||
| It's not like this, it's like a timeless thing. | ||
| Well, some people, I think, the struggle of doing the work Of showing up at the clubs, of grinding, that feeling of going on stage with the seeds of new material and eating shit, not knowing where they're going and taking chances, going on a limb, and failing, and then succeeding, and then finding punchlines and new ways to take the bit. | ||
| And then one night, you ad-lib something, and holy fuck, that's it. | ||
| This is the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, you find a wormhole into another dimension, and you piece it all together. | ||
| People get weary. | ||
| They get tired of doing that. | ||
| They look for a retirement. | ||
| I think it's the fear of those stories we were talking about earlier is like the humiliation of trying to learn how to actually be a comedian or being in a band. | ||
| Anything that involves getting up on a stage, you don't want to feel that again. | ||
| So I think people will like, okay, I'm doing this and this works. | ||
| And then there's this fear, well, I'm finally drawing tickets. | ||
| Because everybody, I don't give a fuck who made it, like most of us, had that feeling in a comedy condo of like, am I the guy who's not going to fucking make it? | ||
| What if I don't? | ||
| And that fucking cold sweat feeling, I think... | ||
| People who stop growing, I think part of it is that. | ||
| You don't want to go back to, what the fuck did I say? | ||
| I said something the other night on stage and it bombed so fucking bad. | ||
| It was like a vacuum. | ||
| I can't believe I didn't get sucked into my own body. | ||
| It was like a kick to the chest. | ||
| It was like I had to pull out an old joke to get it so I could get a drink of water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, whew. | |
| I had not tightened up the midsection. | ||
| I was just sitting there like, huh? | ||
| You cut it right in the liver. | ||
| Yeah, liver shot. | ||
| It wasn't a liver shot because I would have gone down. | ||
| Soloplexus. | ||
| It was, yeah, it was definitely, I had to regroup and get back on the, yeah, I had stepped into like a sinkhole on that one. | ||
| It's fun that that could still happen though. | ||
| I like that that can still happen. | ||
| I like things that scare the shit out of me. | ||
| I always have. | ||
| I'm into them. | ||
| I'm not into safe things. | ||
| I like it when it goes off the road and into the trees. | ||
| In certain parts. | ||
| In comedy, I do. | ||
| I don't like that in life. | ||
| Yeah, in my personal relationships, I don't like when it gets scary. | ||
| I don't like that either. | ||
| Yeah, that could be a problem. | ||
| Yeah, I think that we all can learn, like, if we keep doing it. | ||
| I think, Dom Herrera told me this too. | ||
| He goes, Joe, one of the things I really love about comedy... | ||
| He goes, I think I'm better than I've ever been. | ||
| He goes, I've been doing this comedy for fucking 40 years. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| I agree with it as well. | ||
| But it's because of his love of it. | ||
| Dom loves it. | ||
| He'll go on stage in the OR and they're bringing him up. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen this guy on HBO and this and that and that and this. | ||
| All those fucking credits. | ||
| And he's walking onto that stage with a big smile on his face. | ||
| This is the best part of his day. | ||
| He's going to go up there and fucking murder. | ||
| Does anybody give a better shitting on you intro than him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| One of my favorite things at the store is like Dom's bringing up like, oh, I can't wait to hear what he says about me. | ||
| And it's always like this, he does this complimentary while he's taking your fucking knees out. | ||
| He's a fantastic on Kill Tony. | ||
| He's one of the best guests ever on Kill Tony. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, because those comics go up and they do one minute, and so many of them are brand new. | ||
| They might have done stand-up once or never before, and it's their first time. | ||
| I can't believe those kids have the balls to do that. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's a great show. | ||
| It's a great show because of that. | ||
| And Tony's such a great host, and him and Red Band fucking with the people. | ||
| But my favorite, by far, side guest is when Dom is a guest. | ||
| I'll have to check that out. | ||
| Because he's so fucking good at it. | ||
| He's so good at shitting on bad comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And half compliment you and half shitting at you at the same time. | ||
| I used to love his show that he used to do at the Laugh Factory, Busting Balls with Dime Herrera. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| Yeah, and they would sit down with you. | ||
| I did like an hour on Jamie Masada. | ||
| Buddy. | ||
| Buddy Bill Burr. | ||
| Buddy, I never said that, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never said that, Bill Burr. | |
| You did say that. | ||
| You did say that. | ||
| You did ban me from the club. | ||
| Listen, Buddy. | ||
| You did all of this shit. | ||
| I don't know who put your stuff on YouTube. | ||
| It was not me, Buddy. | ||
| It's not me, Buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He never owns up to the fact he banned me from the club one time. | ||
| That never happened, man. | ||
| Why'd he ban you? | ||
| He was doing this thing where he wanted people to work clean or something. | ||
| And I went up there and admittedly, just some nights you get on stage, you start saying fuck and you can't stop. | ||
| It was one of those sets. | ||
| And he goes, buddy, what happened, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, you go up on stage, you fuck, fuck, fuck all over the place, man. | |
| And I just laughed. | ||
| I thought he was fucking around. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, I wasn't getting spots. | ||
| And then somebody gave me advice, call him up and apologize. | ||
| And then he knew he had me. | ||
| And I apologized, and then he just fucked with me. | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Late 90s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fun times. | ||
| Fun times. | ||
| No, they were not fun times. | ||
| And the store was not fun. | ||
| You would go down to the store, there was like nobody there. | ||
| And it was just these fucking famous comics would just drop in and they would do like hours. | ||
| Oh yeah, I remember that. | ||
| And they didn't do the work. | ||
| They hadn't written anything. | ||
| And they were just standing in the mic saying, yeah, so what else is going on? | ||
| And they were teaching all these young comics that like, someday when I get on a show, I'm going to fucking do that. | ||
| I'm going to come in there. | ||
| And I remember... | ||
| Being like, this is what it is? | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| And then, it was all late 90s. | ||
| Then I went down to the improv. | ||
| And Seinfeld, right as Seinfeld had wrapped up, and it was the first time I was seeing him live, and it was like, Jerry's popping in. | ||
| And I was just like, oh, wow, man. | ||
| Okay, I want to see Jerry. | ||
| And he had a 20-minute spot, and he did 20 minutes. | ||
| He came up, he opened with something that worked, he closed with something that worked, and he worked on his new shit in the middle. | ||
| 20 minutes, got the light, wrapped up, thank you, good night. | ||
| I remember thinking, like, that guy's a fucking pro. | ||
| A pro. | ||
| Yeah, there was a time where that was a thing to do, where guys, you know, and I think Chris Rock would do it, where that's how he would come up with material. | ||
| And he would say to the audience, don't get too excited, this shit ain't gonna be that funny. | ||
| He would say that. | ||
| Like, he would go on after somebody that killed. | ||
| Like, somebody would do like 15 minutes of all their best shit, and then Chris would pop in. | ||
| Chris would go up afterward, and he'd go, what else? | ||
| What else? | ||
| And he would like, I think it was a strategy to put himself in these bad positions, hoping that he would find a way out of it, and then he would take those little chunks that he would find when he would find a way out of it, and then build those into bits. | ||
| But he wasn't one of those guys that went up and just did two hours to do two hours because he was Chris Rock. | ||
| No, he did like 20 minutes or something. | ||
| Yeah, he was always like, whenever I saw him pop in, I would always watch because he had written stuff and he was working on it. | ||
| I know who you're talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know who you're talking about, exactly. | ||
| There's a couple guys that would do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it was the worst. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| Because they weren't even trying to entertain the crowd. | ||
| They were going up there being famous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And by the time they were done, the fucking show was done. | ||
| People would just get up in droves. | ||
| Because it wasn't entertaining. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, those days are done. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing. | ||
| There's no more of that. | ||
| A couple people have tried to do that. | ||
| A couple people have come in fairly recently that are famous and run the light and done 45 minutes to try to do that and they can't come back. | ||
| They've had a few of those people try to stop in. | ||
| I never thought that that would... | ||
| I always thought that fame would win that one. | ||
| That's good to hear. | ||
| And they're actually doing the person a favor. | ||
| Well, you know why they can't do that anymore? | ||
| The shows are sold out every fucking night at the store, and it's packed with killer comedians. | ||
| You can't do that anymore. | ||
| You can't go on between you and Delia and Joey Diaz and just, what else? | ||
| What else? | ||
| You can't do that anymore. | ||
| Those days are done. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta bring it after Joey. | ||
| Those days are done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Joey Diaz will leave a fucking hole in that room. | ||
| He leaves a hole, and you gotta fill that fucking hole in before you can even start to tell jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love Joey. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| I've never seen anybody kill harder in my life. | ||
| I've been doing comedy 31 years. | ||
| I've never seen anybody kill harder than Joey Diaz. | ||
| Yeah, he has a command. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| Yeah, when he goes out there, it's like, alright, the captain's here. | ||
| Yeah, he's a monster. | ||
| He hits some high... | ||
| And also, by the way, he's doing comedy from 1990. He's doing comedy like Me Too never happened, the internet never happened, there's no fucking rules. | ||
| He does not give a fuck. | ||
| And just really doesn't. | ||
| It still kills because most people... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, it's funny. | ||
| Not in a toxic fucking way that they say. | ||
| It's just like they know they're seeing jokes. | ||
| They know that he's fucking around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's good. | ||
| That's the other thing, too. | ||
| It's ridiculous, outrageous, but it's also really well-worded, well-timed shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is how much good comedy right now. | ||
| You know, somebody was telling me there's a thing out there now that if somebody shows up who's hard of hearing, you're supposed to have a device... | ||
| To help them out. | ||
| And if they don't, they can sue you. | ||
| So there's some fucking ambulance chaser, hard of hearing guy going around suing people. | ||
| Well, I've done shows where they had a sign language horse. | ||
| And you've done that, right? | ||
| Where they have to do it at certain theaters. | ||
| But my thing is, why is it on the club? | ||
| It's like, you know you're hard of hearing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How the fuck, like, I gotta... | ||
| Yeah, hire somebody. | ||
| Yeah, if you have a limp, do I have to make sure there's a cane there? | ||
| I did Cobbs once, and there was a guy in the audience that was deaf, and he actually hired someone to do sign language. | ||
| So someone was sitting facing him while I was, like, he was facing me, and someone was sitting, like, say, if Jamie is the audience member, and you're, you know, like, this TV's where the stand-up is, this lady was doing this, and then doing this to him, doing this, and doing this to him. | ||
| And the guy was, like, getting along. | ||
| And so I was going, what's going on here? | ||
| And then I had to sort it out. | ||
| You hired her to do it? | ||
| He goes, yeah, I bring her to, you know, he explained, I bring her to comedy clubs. | ||
| I go, do you bring her to movies? | ||
| Like, he's like, this guy had this lady that he would hire, and she would do sign language for him. | ||
| Good for him, though. | ||
| He didn't make a big deal out of it. | ||
| He hired somebody. | ||
| That's actually great. | ||
| So he can go to movies and nobody talking bugs him. | ||
| People eating their popcorn too loud. | ||
| He can't hear any of it. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He only needs to see a movie once. | ||
| He gets all the fucking dialogue. | ||
| He doesn't get the music, the manipulation that the music gives you. | ||
| That shit doesn't work on him. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Music drives me nuts in movies. | ||
| I mean, I like it. | ||
| It adds to movies. | ||
| But there's sometimes when I'm aware of it, that's when it bothers me. | ||
| When I'm aware. | ||
| When there's like piano playing and the guy and the girl holding hands, I'm like, come on! | ||
| Right. | ||
| You didn't need to do this to me. | ||
| Or if they pick a hacky song that you've seen in like 40 different movies, it's like, all right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was cool when Scorsese used it in 1980. But it's an interesting thing because it came from the time where there was no sound in movies. | ||
| So they would add a musical soundtrack. | ||
| Because the movies were silent. | ||
| And you would see the screen where the words would come out. | ||
| So we, from then, associated movies with music. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| Like, these people are talking, there's a shootout, there's a fucking fight in a scene, in a movie, in a comedy club or whatever, in the movie, and then there's music playing and all this stuff's going on. | ||
| Like, why is there music playing? | ||
| Why are you manipulating? | ||
| Because they've always had music in movies. | ||
| So from the time they had... | ||
| Movies where they were silent, there was music playing in the background, they just kept it in there. | ||
| Like, it doesn't make sense that music is in movies. | ||
| You're showing me scenes of things that are supposedly really happening, and I'm supposed to be locked in, like they're really happening, but there's this unexplained fucking music that corresponds with all the action on the screen. | ||
| But there's an art to everything. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| So, if used properly... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No, for sure there's an art. | ||
| But it's amazing that we automatically associate those two things together. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because music is a totally different thing than a movie, but yet they're inexorable to us. | ||
| I wouldn't want to watch Jaws without that fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck, it's back. | |
| That's all I would think when I'd hear that. | ||
| Oh, no, it's back. | ||
| I wonder if when they first invented movies, if they already had invented audio recording. | ||
| Because it's kind of crazy if they invented video recording before audio. | ||
| You would think that it'd be easier. | ||
| No, there used to be some... | ||
| The person would be playing the piano live. | ||
| Sure, sure, sure. | ||
| They did that, too. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they did that, too. | ||
| A little before my time. | ||
| I think they did that, too. | ||
| But they definitely, if you watch an old, silent movie, there's music playing. | ||
| You know, I watched a thing on... | ||
| I like those Turner Classic movies. | ||
| And... | ||
| I was watching this thing. | ||
| They did a whole thing on Buster Keaton. | ||
| It was fucking unbelievable. | ||
| I recorded it. | ||
| I've watched it like three times. | ||
| Do you know that guy broke his neck doing a fucking stunt? | ||
| He wasn't even aware that he did it. | ||
| He was definitely in pain. | ||
| He was doing some bit that was like a train coming down. | ||
| You know the water spout thing that you pulled down? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The joke was that it came down on him, but they didn't understand. | ||
| They didn't... | ||
| The physics of it, how hard that water was coming out, and it slammed him down onto the train tracks. | ||
| There's so much water, you don't see how he hits, but he broke his fucking neck and didn't realize it. | ||
| Then years later, he went to the doctor with some headaches or something like that. | ||
| I don't know what the hell it was, but the guy was going, he's just looking at the x-ray. | ||
| He's like, so when did you break your neck? | ||
| He goes, I never broke my neck. | ||
| He goes, yeah, you did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't point this shit out. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I dislocated my shoulder apparently at one point in time and I didn't know I did it. | ||
| I got an MRI. The doctor's like, you dislocated your shoulder. | ||
| Dude, you're a fucking lunatic. | ||
| I would have been flopping like a fish out of water if I did it. | ||
| Do you know who else broke his neck in a movie? | ||
| Stallone. | ||
| When he was like 65. When he was doing the Expendables. | ||
| Someone threw him into a wall and he snapped his neck. | ||
| To this day, he's got bolts and rods in his neck. | ||
| It's all fused together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Yeah, you see an x-ray of his neck? | ||
| It's fucking nuts. | ||
| Pull up an x-ray of Sylvester Stallone's neck. | ||
| Talk about a guy still fucking giving people their money's worth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| 65, he won't even do the stunt double? | ||
| This show is like the Sylvester Stallone fan club show because everybody, like whenever his name comes up, like the other day Eddie Bravo was talking about all the fucking movies. | ||
| This guy's relevant from Rocky I in the 1970s and now he's doing like Rambo 14 or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| He's 85 years old. | ||
| September 20th, I think. | ||
| Yeah, he's an... | ||
| Geriatric old man holding a knife coming to get you. | ||
| He's still at it. | ||
| Still at it. | ||
| Billboards everywhere. | ||
| Rambo. | ||
| People are psyched. | ||
| Probably going to be the number one movie in the country. | ||
| I love a stuntman. | ||
| Didn't use a stuntman and broke his fucking neck and then continued filming. | ||
| That's for all you youngsters out there. | ||
| Anytime they go, you want this stuntman to do it, always say yes. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Look at his neck. | ||
| So he's got a cage. | ||
| Scroll up. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, so his neck is fused. | ||
| All those vertebrae and screws and bolts, that is his neck for life. | ||
| Not only that, it compromises the upper and lower discs. | ||
| So when your neck is fused like that, that's an unnatural sort of condition for those joints. | ||
| So the upper and lower ones, there's additional stress and it's an unnatural leverage point. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that. | ||
| Fucking dude, he did it when he was like 65. He's got screws and bolts in his neck and shit. | ||
| He got thrown into a wall and cracked. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Stone Cold Steve Austin was so fucking vicious I ended up getting a hairline fracture in my neck. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
| I haven't told anyone this. | ||
| I had to have a very serious operation afterwards. | ||
| Now I have a metal plate in my neck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Stone Cold Steve Austin, who's, you know. | ||
| Who's also, he broke his neck. | ||
| Oh, he broke everything. | ||
| All those guys have everything broken. | ||
| No, the guy was putting him in the pile driver. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And he was supposed to, you know. | ||
| Supposed to leave distance. | ||
| You're supposed to have, like, the guy's head's poking through. | ||
| When he jumps up, you kind of ease up with your legs. | ||
| So at the last second, you tuck your chin, I guess. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I watched him explain this shit. | ||
| And what the guy, the guy was, like, freaking out that he was fighting him or something like that. | ||
| He fucked up. | ||
| Oh, look. | ||
| You can see it right there. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| See that? | ||
| He didn't do it properly. | ||
| He dropped him right on his fucking neck. | ||
| I mean... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| It says almost broke his neck, but it probably fucked up his discs. | ||
| The craziest one I ever saw... | ||
| Well, what was crazy was he was supposed to win that match, and then he was just fucking laying there, so they didn't know what to do, so they just took his arm and just put it on the guy's chest, and they were like, one, two, three, over. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The craziest one I ever saw was Brock Lesnar. | ||
| He did a flip through the air and landed on his head. | ||
| Flip through the air. | ||
| He's 300 pounds. | ||
| Flips through the air. | ||
| I think he called it a shooting star press or something like that. | ||
| He would flip through the air to land on somebody, but he miscalculated or he slipped or whatever when he did the jump off the top rope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| 300-pound gigantic man. | ||
| Lands on his face. | ||
| Didn't even knock him out. | ||
| Just continue like, ah! | ||
| And just fucking pin the guy afterwards. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Because this is fucking... | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| This shit freaks me out. | ||
| Absolutely preposterous. | ||
| Scroll to the end where he flies through the air. | ||
| Isn't there just a highlight of the actual... | ||
| We used to joke that that guy was so big. | ||
| The sword tattoo is like actual size. | ||
| I don't know what happened to it. | ||
| Yeah, it's right before that. | ||
| Right before that. | ||
| Because that's where he's KO'd. | ||
| Yeah, right before that. | ||
| So scroll a little bit before that. | ||
| A little bit before that. | ||
| Just right there. | ||
| Click there. | ||
| Okay, so it must be right before. | ||
| So it seems like they're showing highlights here. | ||
| I thought I could find it easier. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| They don't have it on YouTube? | ||
| I think it's because he's good at the animals getting eaten alive. | ||
| Yeah, here he is. | ||
| Here he is. | ||
| This is him. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Look at the size of that motherfucker. | ||
| It looks like a cartoon. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| He missed. | ||
| Landed head first. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Holding his head. | ||
| Most humans are dead right there. | ||
| Just dead. | ||
| So Kurt Angle's trying to pin him. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Shugs him off. | ||
| The idea that you're even alive when you land in your head like that. | ||
| He just totally miscalculated. | ||
| He's so lucky he's not paralyzed. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, he doesn't have a neck. | ||
| He just has shoulders that go to the top of his head. | ||
| And he stays with the storyline. | ||
| Yeah, he popped out of it. | ||
| Wow, that's a fucking pro. | ||
| That's why he gets the big bucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why he gets the big bucks. | |
| He was thinking about coming back to the UFC up until just a few months ago. | ||
| He was going to fight Daniel Cormier. | ||
| They were holding the heavyweight title because they were going to match him and Daniel Cormier. | ||
| But then he just decided, you know, he was doing some legitimate wrestling with some real national champions in Michigan State. | ||
| And, you know, I think he got to a point in his life, especially without steroids, because the UFC has very strict anti-doping policies. | ||
| And the last time he fought, he tested positive. | ||
| And so he was like, look, I just can't do this. | ||
| I'm not going to do this. | ||
| Plus, when he was on... | ||
| WWE, there's not a chance in the world he was pissing clean. | ||
| I mean, so for the years after the UFC, when he was on WWE, he was taking whenever the fuck he wanted to, and he was giant, built like a fucking brick shithouse. | ||
| And then they're like, he's like, I want to fight one more time. | ||
| And then if he's going to fight one more time, he's got to be clean. | ||
| So he's got to enter into the USADA testing pool. | ||
| So he's got to be in that testing pool for a period of several months before they'll allow him to compete. | ||
| So they're testing him this whole time. | ||
| Such a dumb fuck. | ||
| I was picturing him getting into a pool. | ||
| And I'm like, what do they do? | ||
| What, you sweat? | ||
| They figure it out. | ||
| Get in the pool. | ||
| We need to clean you. | ||
| To find out if you're on steroids. | ||
| But he was that close. | ||
| I am so glad you continued to talk to that point or I would have been walking around. | ||
| They got a pool! | ||
| And they get in the pool and they make you do some laps and then they test the water if there's steroids in it. | ||
| Why the pool? | ||
| I just think it's more accurate. | ||
| You just keep answering and you don't have an answer. | ||
| You just give one. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| All right. | ||
| He's a fucking giant human being. | ||
| Yes, he is. | ||
| That's Viking DNA right there, kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Let's wrap this bitch up, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's get in the sauna. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Let's take a nice sauna. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| How did you like this cigar, by the way? | ||
| I liked it very much. | ||
| Well, I didn't have that one. | ||
| I had this one right here, which is a different one. | ||
| What is this one? | ||
| This is my favorite right here. | ||
| I wish I could read this, but my old man eyes are not allowing me. | ||
| La Aurora Sapphire. | ||
| Great afternoon stick. | ||
| I got one right here. | ||
| Great afternoon stick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll have it later. | |
| Nice and mild, yet flavorful. | ||
| Tonight, Netflix, midnight. | ||
| Midnight all across the country, Eastern Time, everywhere. | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| Midnight tonight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know how it works in other countries, but I would think the way Netflix does their business, they're good at it. | |
| They're on top of it. | ||
| They're the shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I'm excited for you, brother. | ||
| I'm very excited to see it, too. | ||
| Oh, thank you very much. | ||
| And once again, thank you to Mike Binder for the way that it looks. | ||
| Shout out to Mike Binder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You gotta see it. | ||
| And if you come to the Improv and the Comedy Store Thursday night, Bill will be working with me. | ||
| We're gonna have some fun. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Bye, you fucks. |
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