May 1, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:03:30
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Do you drink? | ||
| Do you want a zero alcohol mannequin? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| If you haven't one. | ||
| There you go, fella. | ||
| Zero alcohol. | ||
| Let's get crazy. | ||
| They're actually good. | ||
| Well, let's pace ourselves. | ||
| Cheers, sir. | ||
| I'm going to chug this. | ||
| Whoa, don't do that. | ||
| No, I'm not going to do that. | ||
| Dude, what are you, dangerous? | ||
| Zero alcohol? | ||
| How many calories, though? | ||
| What are you scared of calories, bro? | ||
| That's how you stay alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| What are you going to get your energy from the air? | ||
| I mean, I got plenty of calories already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have to ask you, did you drive in in the Hemi? | |
| No, I didn't. | ||
| I got dropped off in a Chevy. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This is outrageous. | ||
| I had one for a little while. | ||
| Just a little while? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I figured, like, you would have to have one for quite a long time. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Well, okay. | ||
| I'm going to backtrack a little bit. | ||
| So, first commercial, right? | ||
| That thing got a heavy! | ||
| Right. | ||
| I did six of these things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And around commercial three, I was talking to my agent. | ||
| I said, man, you know, if they ask to do another one. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that a hammy? | |
| That's the worst I've ever looked in my life. | ||
| I really felt like, I was sitting in the desert, like, no one's ever going to see these commercials. | ||
| No one's going to know what a hammy is. | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I could not have been more wrong. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Look at that badass! | ||
| Did they give you one or did you just go out and buy one? | ||
| Well, I said, listen, if they want me to do another commercial, see if you can get a vehicle out of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And my agent was like, you know, make it their problem. | ||
| He calls them up. | ||
| He goes, hey, I don't know if you know this, but your Hemi guy, your spokesman, is driving around Los Angeles right now in a Suzuki Sidekick. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| Wait a minute, Suzuki Sidekick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I had. | |
| Isn't that the fucking T-Mobile device? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a box kite. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that the same thing? | ||
| It's the lightest. | ||
| It's a box kite. | ||
| If you could put a string to it and float it in the air. | ||
| Was that that shitty looking Jeep thing? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| You had one of those? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Red. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| For some reason, I liked that thing. | ||
| I got it in college. | ||
| That's probably why you like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nostalgia. | ||
| It was cool for tailgating and shit. | ||
| There it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look at that. | ||
| That's the LL Cool J version. | ||
| I didn't have that one. | ||
| What's the LL Cool J version? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think I saw that in a video one time. | ||
| Because that's the one I had right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You had that? | |
| Hard top. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I totaled that thing in North Dakota one time. | ||
| Hit black ice. | ||
| I mean, a gust of wind just knocked me off the road, and I was in a ditch. | ||
| But it was, you know how people in motorcycles, they'll see another motorcycle and they'll wave, and it's like a little club that you're in, and Jeeps do it too. | ||
| And I started doing that to other Suzuki sidekicks, and for whatever reason, I'd wave to them. | ||
| Nine times out of ten, it's like an overweight black lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm just waving at them like, what is he doing? | |
| I was like, we're in the club, man. | ||
| People love to do that with nice cars. | ||
| But to do that with shitty cars, too. | ||
| That's next level. | ||
| That's more fun. | ||
| Like, I see you. | ||
| So what did they give you when they gave you a Hemi? | ||
| It was a 1500 Dodge Ram quad cab, black, a lot of chrome. | ||
| I feel comfortable on that thing. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I loved it when I first got it. | ||
| You know, it's like in the middle of, you know, I did six of those commercials, so I was riding around L.A. with the windows down, just blasting, you know, Leonard Skinner and shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's perfect for that. | ||
| Just pull up to the comedy store, and like, park it! | ||
| I mean, they hated parking that thing in that lot, because it's gigantic. | ||
| Yeah, it's a wide beast. | ||
| And they're like, really, man? | ||
| Can't you just have somebody drop you off? | ||
| Yeah, Brendan Schaub's been showing up in his, he got a Raptor. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You didn't realize how wide those things are until you're standing in front of them. | ||
| They're huge. | ||
| It's a fucking giant vehicle. | ||
| And then trying to valet that thing anywhere in Los Angeles, you know? | ||
| It's a lot of tiny little Mexican dudes who are like, really, man? | ||
| Well, the worst is if you try to valet a stick shift. | ||
| Oh, right! | ||
| I tried to give a valet my keys to my Bronco, and he didn't know what to do. | ||
| I go, you don't know how to drive a stick shift. | ||
| He goes, no. | ||
| I go, what the fuck are you doing here, man? | ||
| How can you have this job? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that should be a part of the resume. | ||
| You can't drive all cars. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think most people know how to, you know, anyone under 30 can drive a stick. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think it's going gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Porsche doesn't make them anymore. | ||
| American muscle cars are one of the last holdouts, like Corvette and Camaro. | ||
| I haven't driven a stick in a long time. | ||
| Mustangs? | ||
| No. | ||
| You want to try? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Actually, the last time I did, I was in Costa Rica, and I rented a car. | ||
| And I'm like, I just assume all cars now, when you rent them, are automatics. | ||
| You get to know the country, it's whatever. | ||
| And so, I'm pulling out of the lot, and it's like, oh shit, it's been a minute. | ||
| It's pretty embarrassing. | ||
| I got this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you're in Italy, they all drive stick shifts, even like minivans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Everything's a stick shift over there. | ||
| I'm not sure why. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What's the advantages and disadvantages? | ||
| I mean, what do you prefer? | ||
| Well, where I was in Italy, it was in Ravello, which is very small little roads. | ||
| It's very tiny, and it's like crazy congestion because of tourism. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the guy was always on the clutch, back and forth, back and forth. | ||
| I was like, you know... | ||
| This has got to be annoying as fuck. | ||
| You want an automatic. | ||
| It's like LA. If you're commuting to LA bumper to bumper every day, you're going to want an automatic. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I think you're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's just more comfortable. | ||
| Let the car do the work. | ||
| But if you're on a mountain road, like the Angels Crest Highway, and you want to shift. | ||
| There's something cool about being in command of the vehicle and you telling it when it's, you know. | ||
| It's manly. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| You've got a dick in your hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And if it's a woman, you've got to go, ooh, don't get too close to this one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She's driving stick shifts like, oh, she's a rebel. | ||
| She might be a problem. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She might be a problem. | |
| Might be great in bed though. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, for a little while. | ||
| And then just all sorts of problems. | ||
| She gets mad at you for an email from 12 years ago. | ||
| I didn't even know you then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I can't go back and time. | ||
| How'd you find this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Where's that phone come from? | ||
| That's my flip phone. | ||
| Where was that thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my Suzuki sidekick. | |
| We were looking at that thing from CES that Jamie pulled up. | ||
| What is that goofy thing called? | ||
| These are good, right? | ||
| I don't feel like I'm drinking a non-alcoholic beer. | ||
| It tastes like a regular beer. | ||
| Planet Computer's Cosmo Communicator. | ||
| Look at the fucking outside of that thing. | ||
| That is wasted development. | ||
| That looks like someone was doing coke and they decided... | ||
| Does that have a spaceship? | ||
| It does. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It looks like it either has a planet or a spaceship on the front of it. | ||
| It looks like one of those metal wallets that you get to keep your credit card secure. | ||
| Yeah, but that shit's preposterous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, for sure. | |
| But you're not using your fingers. | ||
| You could. | ||
| But would you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who makes that? | |
| My fat fucking hands are not going to fit on that thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not going to be able to do that. | ||
| I mean, at this point, we're so used to doing this. | ||
| Why go back and go back to that now? | ||
| Do you ever go sideways on your iPhone? | ||
| Yeah, just to take a picture. | ||
| Not typing. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I thought that was the move. | ||
| I'm like, oh, once we go sideways, that's going to be the shit. | ||
| Have you tried it on an iPad? | ||
| I have not. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| Sideways on the iPad? | ||
| Yeah, like when you have to type on the full screen with the full keyboard. | ||
| Yeah, with both hands. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's not perfect, but it's fucking way better than just your thumbs on an iPhone. | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| Especially if you can type. | ||
| I used to think I would never get used to that, just that, you know, the screen without feeling it. | ||
| Look at that little front screen. | ||
| Like you got a bunch of shit that comes in on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Oh. | ||
| Like apps and stuff, I guess. | ||
| Boy, no one's buying that, son. | ||
| How much is that thing? | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| There are so many options now. | ||
| If you don't like Apple and you're committed to an Android phone, there's so many options. | ||
| Why would you buy that thing? | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| What company is that? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's also part of the problem, right? | ||
| Yeah, that would be gone. | ||
| Where do you bring that thing to get it fixed? | ||
| If the screen cracks and you bring it to the mall, what is it? | ||
| The Cosmo communicator, bro. | ||
| We're going to have to go to the future and fix this thing. | ||
| Yeah, we can't do this in 10 minutes. | ||
| This thing's a mess. | ||
| I mean, I got a cracked screen now, and it's not even that bad, but I've seen people walk around with a damn spider web on their phone. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| I'm like, when are you going to go get it fixed? | ||
| What's the point? | ||
| Where glass is falling off? | ||
| This is an indication of you needing to get your shit together. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Yeah, if your phone looks like a haunted house. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Yeah, let's go into like, you know, see if this girl's going to be crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| How cracked is her screen? | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Give me your phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, a girl who can deal with a little crack, that's probably a sign of character. | |
| Yeah, that's okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's cool. | |
| Just a little crack in the window, in a corner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No big deal. | |
| That's fine. | ||
| She doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| She's easygoing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She doesn't even need to wear makeup, bro. | ||
| But if she has to do like this and get the light just right, because it's like a damn, it's a full-on spider web. | ||
| I have to scroll up to make a T. Because that part of the glass won't work anymore. | ||
| What about the other way they're going with the flex phone? | ||
| Oh, now, here we go. | ||
| This isn't the one that broke, but this is another one that came out at CES, too. | ||
| Samsung recalled the ones that are supposed to come out last week. | ||
| They recalled all of them, huh? | ||
| Yeah, the unreleased date now. | ||
| Who knows when they're going to come out. | ||
| They're breaking like crazy, apparently. | ||
| Flex phone. | ||
| But then, is it flexible? | ||
| It bends? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But how does that one work? | ||
| All I'm seeing is like, it opened up. | ||
| It's not showing a video of that. | ||
| Yeah, but the Samsung one had like a little teeny, I don't know. | ||
| Like a line in the center of it? | ||
| It looks like a little flat aquarium that we put sea monkeys in. | ||
| It does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| It looks like one of them ones that's like a pillar in a shitty hotel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like in Miami or something. | ||
| You stare at my phone for hours. | ||
| Yeah, someone needs to clean the tank. | ||
| They have a... | ||
| Huawei has a Flex phone. | ||
| It looks way better than the Samsung one. | ||
| It looks thinner, and it looks like they just nailed the design better. | ||
| And on the side of it... | ||
| Oh, this is it. | ||
| I don't know why I asked. | ||
| Yeah, it's a different company. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is it a different company? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Royale Flex Pie beats Samsung and Huawei to market. | ||
| Probably sells out. | ||
| That's what this one was. | ||
| Does it fold in half? | ||
| Yeah, they're making these things where you can flex them and bend them like a thousand times. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh, how weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Look how fat that thing is. | ||
| It's like carrying a VHS tape in your pocket. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I mean, I'm trying to imagine the advantages and disadvantages of watching porn on that thing. | ||
| Oh, there's advantages. | ||
| Yeah, because it's like, well, I see your ass, and then you've got to turn your phone upside down to see the rest of them. | ||
| That's pretty wild, though, how it works. | ||
| That is neat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm kind of hoping it works so that the version 3 or 4 in a couple years is way better than these broken ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, for sure, you're going to see people at concerts holding up what looks like 12-inch iPads because it's going to be these goddamn things in the future. | ||
| I've seen that before now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Oh, yeah, people bring iPads to Disneyland. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Because they're assholes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| I mean, you're right. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| Especially a comedy show. | ||
| It's like, the phone's bad enough. | ||
| iPad? | ||
| I have a Tesla, and the Tesla has this huge screen. | ||
| It's enormous. | ||
| And you get so used to it. | ||
| So I go from that to another car with a little tiny navigation screen. | ||
| I'm like, what is this bullshit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's funny how you get used to things. | ||
| It's like I'd rather have a Thomas guide. | ||
| When I first... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember those? | |
| Did you have one of those? | ||
| I did. | ||
| When you came to LA? | ||
| God, you have to pull over every five feet? | ||
| Bill Burr had one of those as recently as 2011. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He came to my house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He came to my house in his fucking Prius. | ||
| He still has a Prius, that asshole. | ||
| He's probably got a billion dollars. | ||
| He's got a fucking Prius. | ||
| He pulls into my driveway, and I see the Thomas guy in his backseat. | ||
| He's like, yeah, that navigation shit, what if that goes down? | ||
| You can't figure your way around town. | ||
| You're lost up on the hills, no connection. | ||
| Thomas guy works every time. | ||
| I knew how to do it, man. | ||
| Back in the day, oh, E10. I know how to do that. | ||
| You go E, and you go to 10. That's where I need to go. | ||
| Okay, what do I need to do? | ||
| I would write it down. | ||
| Yeah, that was always dangerous. | ||
| Fuck up and all of a sudden you're in a super Mexican community. | ||
| Chickens are running across the street. | ||
| Sun Valley sounds great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is Sun Valley a sketch? | ||
| I've never been to Sun Valley. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's lots of spots. | |
| I've been there once. | ||
| I think I got lost. | ||
| I was like, this is not... | ||
| So when you got rid of your Hemi, did you say, hey, this is from the Hemi guy? | ||
| Like, this should be worth some money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Well, I thought it could auction it off. | ||
| Yeah, on eBay. | ||
| Like, I took pictures with it and everything. | ||
| It didn't work? | ||
| No. | ||
| I think it was when gas was at its highest price. | ||
| And people are like, no, I think we're moving on to other things. | ||
| It's pretty fucking high now. | ||
| It's closing in on five bucks a gallon, again. | ||
| But I had it for, well, about two years. | ||
| Why'd you get rid of it? | ||
| Well, I was married at the time, and that thing was hard. | ||
| When I would leave and she'd have that car, it was just hard to... | ||
| Back into the garage. | ||
| We have a small two-car garage, and it was hard to get that thing in there. | ||
| So she convinced me that we didn't need it. | ||
| So we leased a Lexus RX350 for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those are dope. | |
| I like them. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| When you drive a truck, too. | ||
| I like the backup camera in those things. | ||
| That's very nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you drive a truck, and then you get into a little car like that. | ||
| You're like, oh, I'm agile. | ||
| I'm like a dancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What was your first car? | ||
| My first car was a 1973 Chevelle. | ||
| Chevelle SS. It was a shitbox. | ||
| I drove it from the guy's house to my house and then it died. | ||
| It never worked again. | ||
| I think I drove it to my girlfriend's house and then I drove it back to my house and then it died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I called the guy up and I'm like, hey man, your fucking car died. | ||
| And he came and gave me the money back and took his car. | ||
| He said, what happened to my car? | ||
| I'm like, it died. | ||
| It just doesn't work. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So you had it like a day. | ||
| I had it for a day. | ||
| And then my... | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| Yeah, then I had a 1968 442 that I wrapped around our telephone pole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Yeah, whoops. | ||
| Hydroplaned. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, if you didn't know how to drive back then and you had like kind of balding tires and you hit some water, cars would just go sideways. | ||
| And you're like, what is this? | ||
| It's like you're floating in the air. | ||
| Yeah, it's a crazy feeling. | ||
| And you can't do anything about it. | ||
| Nothing about it! | ||
| They always tell you to turn into it. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Nothing's happening. | ||
| I was just going sideways. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe this shit. | ||
| I just got this car. | ||
| I had that one for a few months, and then bang, fucked that one up. | ||
| Just hydroplating. | ||
| Just hydroplating? | ||
| No, I was with a couple of guys from school. | ||
| You might get hurt? | ||
| No, we're alright. | ||
| But it fucked the car up. | ||
| I was in a Fiera. | ||
| Remember Fieros? | ||
| Oh yeah, my sister had one of those. | ||
| It's like a little fake Ferrari thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember they used to do... | ||
| They're so small. | ||
| They used to do Ferrari kits for those? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Where they'd turn into a fake Testarossa? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Put a car bra on there. | ||
| Yeah, those were interesting. | ||
| My friend Joe had one of those, too. | ||
| Those were cool little cars. | ||
| Back in the day, it was like either... | ||
| In my hometown, it was like... | ||
| There it is. | ||
| That was a fake one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Look at that ridiculous car. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That is adorable. | ||
| Those cars are so gross when people do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's obvious. | ||
| Well, it's like, what do you... | ||
| No one wants that once you get... | ||
| Is that one? | ||
| That can't... | ||
| No, that's... | ||
| Is that a Fiero? | ||
| That's what it says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Great job! | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That one actually looks good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You could trick some really dumb girls with that. | ||
| Like if you go to Miami. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Let me see your cell phone. | ||
| The really, really dumb ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like if you were only looking for really dumb gals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's your car. | ||
| Dumb gold diggers. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Are those louvers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| What is that? | ||
| What is that in the back? | ||
| Yeah, it looks like louvers. | ||
| Glass louvers? | ||
| Yeah, it's probably a plastic rear window. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They make some cars with plastic windows just to save weight. | ||
| Like, hey, relax. | ||
| Relax with that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My buddy and I, he had one of those. | ||
| We hydroplaned, spun it around a couple times, totaled it, hit another car that was parked at a body shop. | ||
| And they had just finished it. | ||
| No! | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| Cool! | ||
| I guess I'm doing two cars. | ||
| So he just left his car there. | ||
| Totally by slamming into a car that was just finished in a body show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Serendipitous. | ||
| Uber is that guy's friend. | ||
| You should get on the Uber. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love Uber. | ||
| I wonder how much that's preventing drunk driving. | ||
| I just had this conversation. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I think what, you know, Mothers Against Drunk Driving. | ||
| Mad. | ||
| Maybe even the government should kick in. | ||
| These guys are saving lives. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Because if you're not doing that, then you're drinking and driving most likely. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| It gives you a real easy option. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's so quick. | ||
| It's so convenient. | ||
| You don't have to pull cash out. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's kind of a weird organization, both of them. | ||
| It's like they're trying to figure out if they're employees or if they're contractors. | ||
| And then there's like... | ||
| This fact that you're just getting into someone's car. | ||
| You don't know them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you assume if you get a limo that there's a background check. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you get a cab, you're living on the edge. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's what I was going to say. | ||
| You never know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Taxi driver. | |
| Robert De Niro. | ||
| You looking at me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're talking about a fucking psychopath. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what you, like... | ||
| But you would get, like, New York City cab drivers, you'd get characters. | ||
| You'd get either, like, angry white dudes or, like, guys who come from other countries that could tell you cool stories. | ||
| You'd get, like, characters. | ||
| Weird smells and shit. | ||
| Yeah, crazy smells, lots of weird music. | ||
| Possibly a voodoo doll. | ||
| But now, you know what you get when you get in a New York City cab driver? | ||
| You get advertisements. | ||
| You get screens. | ||
| Like they have little laptops facing you. | ||
| And they play these... | ||
| There's a credit card machine back there. | ||
| And they play these videos about things. | ||
| About restaurants and this and that. | ||
| Shows. | ||
| That's probably its own network at this point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like just the cab network. | ||
| It is kind of, right? | ||
| It must be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His company probably has their own little loop that they play. | ||
| Jimmy Fallon, I mean, I've seen him on there many times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doing stuff. | ||
| Remember when they used to do that HBO show, Taxi Cab Confessions? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was crazy. | ||
| I enjoyed that. | ||
| I was like, who the fuck is signing this release? | ||
| What are you giving these people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like, I just want to be on TV. And they would say the worst stuff. | ||
| Like, if you're fucked up on coke, and you get into a cab, and you start just talking shit about all the crazy sexual stuff that you like, and then afterwards, they're like, hey, you're going to be on HBO? You're like, fuck yeah, I am. | ||
| And then you wake up in the morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| I do! | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You don't know who to call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You give them this waiver at the right time. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good move. | |
| How does that work? | ||
| Well, you don't tell them before they get there. | ||
| If you're hammered? | ||
| There's got to be some loophole. | ||
| I always wondered about the Catch a Predator show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why the fuck would they sign? | ||
| They have to sign a release. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Or cops! | ||
| They have to sign a release. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you have to sign a release. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there's like, is it entrapment even, you know? | ||
| There was that whole thing, too. | ||
| Well, that show's definitely entrapment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's entrapment I support. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| I support entrapment if it's like, hey, do you want to fuck a six-year-old? | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| And they're like, yeah, I do. | ||
| Okay, get in the cage, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, there's a certain entrapment that I'm all for. | ||
| Someone could talk you into fucking anybody under 18. Right. | ||
| Or 17. How do they get away with that? | ||
| How do they get away with it? | ||
| Showing their face. | ||
| Maybe because they were proven guilty that you waived your rights just by being guilty. | ||
| You have no rights when you're a felon, right? | ||
| When you're a felon, you have no rights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that right? | |
| Well, you have rights. | ||
| Bernie Sanders wants you to be able to vote even if you're a terrorist. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| He's like, anybody in jail for anything, he's like, you should still be able to vote. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, ooh, okay. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| There's a lot of people in jail. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| What if they count as residents of the state? | ||
| Like, what if you have, like, a maximum security prison somewhere, right? | ||
| And these prisoners have everything to, like, they have all day, right? | ||
| They don't have anything to do. | ||
| And they register to vote while they're in there. | ||
| If you have a few hundred thousand prisoners, you literally can shift an election one way or the other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| All you'd have to do is get into that prison and go, hey guys, here's the deal. | ||
| I'm shortening your fucking sentences, okay? | ||
| I'm forgetting you better lawyers. | ||
| People would start campaigning in prisons. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's legitimate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, these laws are bullshit, man. | ||
| And you can bribe them real easy with the little ketchup? | ||
| Cigarettes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cigarettes. | |
| Bring in cigarettes. | ||
| Yeah, you just truck in cartons of cigarettes. | ||
| How'd you win this election? | ||
| Marlboro Reds. | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
| Buttigieg? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| How do you say his name? | ||
| You got it. | ||
| Tulsi Gabbard's my girl. | ||
| I'm voting for her. | ||
| I decided. | ||
| I like her. | ||
| I met her in person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is it? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I give up. | ||
| I give up. | ||
| I'm not even paying attention to anything else. | ||
| Tulsi Gabbard. | ||
| But if you could go into a prison, what's a giant prison population? | ||
| What's the biggest prison? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What do you think the biggest one is? | ||
| The biggest one? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Would it be in New York? | ||
| California? | ||
| Isn't there a giant one in Colorado that Joey always talks about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the one where they take the serial killers, they stuff them on the ground. | |
| Isn't there... | ||
| Well, I mean, what's the biggest one? | ||
| Let's take a guess. | ||
| 50,000? | ||
| Before he looks it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Do you say 50,000 prisoners? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know much about that. | ||
| That's probably a lot of people. | ||
| Think about an arena. | ||
| 50,000 spread out. | ||
| A football arena. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, no. | |
| Okay. | ||
| 50 to 60,000. | ||
| The biggest one. | ||
| The biggest, yeah. | ||
| What's the smallest? | ||
| It's probably some rinky-dinky ones, but I bet... | ||
| Have you been in jail? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm going to say a little lighter. | ||
| I'm going to say $30,000. | ||
| I'm going to say $30,000 is the biggest. | ||
| Will you put money on this? | ||
| I'll put a dollar on this. | ||
| I don't give a fuck, bro. | ||
| I'll bet you Heineken double zero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Well, we got too rich for my blood. | ||
| What do we got? | ||
| Jimmy's confused. | ||
| Well, I have to be very specific about what I look up to find this answer. | ||
| So, do you want largest maximum security? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Killers, not people who smoke weed. | ||
| Known as Alcatraz of the South, the Louisiana State Penitentiary has an inmate population of 5,000. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Damn, we're way off. | ||
| That's maximum security. | ||
| Oh, that's like super criminals. | ||
| Yeah, so if you go a little bit less, then it might be a little bit higher. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Let's go with thieves. | ||
| Let's go with medium security. | ||
| Maximum is like violent crimes, right? | ||
| What's just the biggest prison? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The biggest prison. | ||
| I looked at the largest prison. | ||
| That's the thing that popped up. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Maybe we're way off. | ||
| 5,000 is a lot of people. | ||
| Sometimes it looks bigger. | ||
| ADX in Florence, the supermax prison. | ||
| There's one supermax prison. | ||
| That's the one I think you're talking about. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's even higher. | ||
| That would probably have way less people. | ||
| Trying to see if it says... | ||
| Oh, that's even higher criminal level? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was like where they put the ice man. | ||
| 23 hours a day. | ||
| Dun, dun, dun. | ||
| Single cell confinement. | ||
| Um... | ||
| 5,000 is a lot of people. | ||
| Confinement is so weird. | ||
| Because we're killing you, but we're just killing you with nature. | ||
| We're going to kill you with old age and shitty nutrition. | ||
| We're just going to keep you in a box. | ||
| Kill with your own brain. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like it might be more cruel to put someone into a small cage for 23 hours a day than it is to just kill them. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you just kill, it's over with. | ||
| Yeah, you're suffering. | ||
| It's suffering. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Like... | ||
| That was my take on Chelsea Manning, who's now free. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Like, they tortured her. | ||
| They tortured her. | ||
| They did? | ||
| Yeah, she was naked, in a cage, by herself, for years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I think it was like, the whole, she was in solitary. | ||
| We'll have to find this out once Jamie's done with this search. | ||
| I'm like looking around, there's the one in California's male only, where Manson is. | ||
| It's got 3,500. | ||
| There's one in Illinois, medium security. | ||
| It's got 1,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Okay, so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, we were way off. | |
| We're way off. | ||
| Way off. | ||
| By a factor of... | ||
| We were so pessimistic. | ||
| I thought I was going low, and I was off by a factor of ten. | ||
| I don't know if this is counting them, too. | ||
| There's private ones, and I don't know if I can get the numbers on private. | ||
| Those dirty bastards stuff them in on top of each other. | ||
| Although, it makes sense. | ||
| If there were 30,000 inmates in one place, I mean, it would be hard to contain that and control that. | ||
| Yeah, what's the largest private prison? | ||
| See if that's... | ||
| Yes, but the Chelsea Manning thing, she was in solitary confinement when she was still a dude. | ||
| Does that count? | ||
| Is that two different sentences? | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| Do you say Bradley or do you say Chelsea when she hadn't changed yet? | ||
| I think we have to ask. | ||
| Do you still say Bruce Jenner won the Olympics or do you say Caitlyn? | ||
| Well, Bruce won the Olympics. | ||
| No, no, no, Caitlyn. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| He's Caitlyn now. | ||
| He's Caitlyn now. | ||
| You know if you deadname him, you'll get kicked off of Twitter? | ||
| Deadname him? | ||
| Do you know what that deadname he is? | ||
| No, I never heard of deadname him. | ||
| Oh, you didn't know? | ||
| No. | ||
| So say if you become Johanna Reap. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| If you decided at this stage of the game, you know what, fuck Hemis. | ||
| I'm transitioning. | ||
| Yeah, I'm wearing skirts. | ||
| It's time for Prius. | ||
| Yeah, it's time to get my legs waxed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do we got? | |
| Reeves County Detention Complex in Pesos, Texas has a combined capacity of 3,763 prisoners in its three subcomplexes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So that's probably about as big as it gets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you've dug that far and you still can't get anything over 5,000. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's in the 30s. | ||
| The 3,300. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| 3,500. | ||
| What about the world? | ||
| So if you change your name to Johanna Reap. | ||
| Johanna Reap. | ||
| And I started saying, hey, John Reap, what's it like wearing dresses? | ||
| Pretend you're a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's deadnaming you. | ||
| I deadnamed you because I called you John. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When your new name is Johanna. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But Bruce is the one who won the Olympics. | ||
| Yeah, but that's his dead name. | ||
| Well, that's what he was when he won. | ||
| Don't be an asshole, John. | ||
| God, you're so insensitive. | ||
| I can't believe this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hate facts. | |
| In this day and age, I'm going to make you subscribe to the Alyssa Milano podcast. | ||
| You're going to get your shit together. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| You need to get up with the times, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to follow her. | |
| I'm so way behind. | ||
| I'm just kidding about Alyssa Milano. | ||
| I don't know what she's doing. | ||
| I don't either. | ||
| It was a good name, though. | ||
| The throw around. | ||
| Alyssa Milano. | ||
| Alyssa Milano. | ||
| She's active on the Twittersphere? | ||
| I believe so, yeah. | ||
| She's very political. | ||
| She's always arguing with people, I think. | ||
| She's one of them people. | ||
| You know, they booted John Woods. | ||
| You know John Woods, the actor? | ||
| They booted him off the Twitter again. | ||
| He did something naughty. | ||
| I don't think he did anything that big a deal. | ||
| First of all, who's John? | ||
| Refresh my memory. | ||
| James Woods. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Oh, James Woods. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| John Woods. | ||
| People are probably mad if we probably know this. | ||
| What? | ||
| New York City's Rikers Island has a population of 11,000, but I don't know if that means they're all prisoners or not. | ||
| What? | ||
| Vacationers? | ||
| There's probably workers that live on the... | ||
| People want cheap rent. | ||
| It might be half. | ||
| Yeah, do they really? | ||
| It says they can accommodate up to 15,000 prisoners. | ||
| 15,000 prisoners. | ||
| That's about as big as it gets. | ||
| Now we're in the neighborhood. | ||
| There's one in Turkey that's got 10,900. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Okay, so that's about as big as it gets. | ||
| 15,000. | ||
| That's a lot, though, if you go to a theater. | ||
| Like, if you did an arena, like 15,000 people is like Madison Square Garden. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lot of fucking criminals. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta take care of them. | ||
| You gotta baton. | ||
| So the Chelsea Manning thing, now she's free, but then she got locked up again for contempt of court. | ||
| But I think when she was locked up in solitary confinement, they took away her clothes. | ||
| They wouldn't let her have clothes because they thought she was suicidal. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I think that's just an excuse to use. | ||
| Okay, so when Chelsea was a male... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Don't say Bradley. | ||
| I'm kind of not dead, babe. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| When Chelsea won the Olympics... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She didn't win the Olympics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm trying to do that. | |
| Was he in a male prison? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| And then, as a female, does he go to a female prison? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe that's why they put her in solitary. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| Protect her from dudes. | ||
| I mean, that's kind of a loophole that, let's say, if I know I'm going to prison and I got, like, a year before I get sentenced, I might just go ahead and get that sex change. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I'm with females. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe I have a better chance of surviving. | ||
| You don't have to get the sex change anymore. | ||
| You just have to identify. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| I'm good. | ||
| Do you see that male who identifies as a female just broke all these world records in weightlifting? | ||
| It's a new one. | ||
| It just came out. | ||
| Wonderful. | ||
| Congratulations, everybody. | ||
| You broke everything. | ||
| You fucking... | ||
| You went so progressive and so preposterous that we broke everything. | ||
| You have men that are winning women's world records in fucking weightlifting, which is like the dumbest shit for men and women to compete against. | ||
| If there's ever one thing, even the tennis argument, it's like, well, you know, Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs. | ||
| Yeah, but Bobby Riggs was 55, she was 29, and they say that he threw the match because he bet against himself. | ||
| Oh right, he was a big gambler. | ||
| That was what I heard, but I would say that too if I lost. | ||
| I would say I threw the match. | ||
| Basketball? | ||
| Tennis? | ||
| Is this the woman that won? | ||
| Is this Chelsea? | ||
| This is the woman who's winning world records. | ||
| This is not Bruce Jenner. | ||
| Let's get a look. | ||
| Oh my gosh, here we go. | ||
| Seems like a gal. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| That seems like a very strong man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| How much weight is that? | ||
| It doesn't look like a lot of weight. | ||
| This is about reps here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 300? | ||
| 300? | ||
| 315? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's a ridiculous amount of weight for a woman to lift. | ||
| If you're going to be a real woman, a biological woman, excuse me, and lift that kind of weight, you have to be a real outlier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very rare. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But this is so ridiculous. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What is this guy's quote? | ||
| One guy in the comments say, congratulations on your excellent performance. | ||
| Screw anybody who tries to knock achievements. | ||
| The hard work speaks for itself. | ||
| Hey, whoever you are, fuck you! | ||
| Fuck you and your nonsense. | ||
| You're the reason why this shit is happening in the first place, because people tolerate this. | ||
| That is nuts. | ||
| If you had a daughter that trained her whole life to be a weightlifter, and she's really into it, and this fucking guy decides he identifies as a woman, and then comes I don't know how it's legal. | ||
| How is it legal? | ||
| It has nothing to do with being open-minded or tolerant. | ||
| It has something to do with logic. | ||
| Just basic reason. | ||
| This is craziness. | ||
| You're enabling people to do something that's preposterous. | ||
| This has nothing to do with being open-minded or kind to people. | ||
| I'm 100% for people being trans. | ||
| I'm 100% for people doing whatever they want to do. | ||
| Just don't hurt anybody, and I'm cool with that. | ||
| Same here. | ||
| But this is just, you're in make-believe town. | ||
| Why not pretend you're a fox and go live in the forest? | ||
| Like, you're in make-believe. | ||
| This is make-believe. | ||
| You can't just decide you're a woman and compete with women. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| That's make-believe. | ||
| Oh, there's no advantage. | ||
| Make-believe. | ||
| That's make-believe. | ||
| Of course there's an advantage! | ||
| You fucking know there's an advantage. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Everyone knows. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| I want to see that in the NFL. You know, you got like... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Before and after? | ||
| Is it two different looks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the same person? | |
| We don't need to see this person. | ||
| Wait a second. | ||
| I don't want to shame this person. | ||
| Look, someone's letting her do this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| There should be a transgender league. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or there should be, you know, some rules where you have to compete with the chromosome of your birth. | ||
| You don't have to fucking compete. | ||
| Most people don't compete in organized sports. | ||
| Most people don't. | ||
| And if you're trans, maybe that should be something you can't do. | ||
| And particularly for girls who transition to boys, you know that school in Texas that won't let this girl who's transitioning to a boy, they won't let her compete with boys. | ||
| So they make her compete with girls, and she's on fucking testosterone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So she's taking testosterone, or he's taking testosterone, whatever you want to say. | ||
| I get so confused. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To become a boy. | ||
| Zur is taking testosterone to become a boy, and then now is forced to wrestle with women, with young girls, in fact. | ||
| All jacked. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Jacked like a boy. | ||
| It's like a boy wrestling girls. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Probably Papa Boner doing that. | ||
| I don't think she has one yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You can get a little thumb. | ||
| You grow a thumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what happens. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The clitoris gets a little bit bigger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gets bigger. | ||
| And do the ovaries sort of, like, start getting suspended in a... | ||
| I don't know what happens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do they drop? | |
| What do they do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wonder. | |
| I wonder if they remove those parts, you know, because they do hysterectomies on women when they have diseases. | ||
| I wonder if they do that when a man transitions from a woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| When a man transitions from a woman. | ||
| Yeah, when you used to be a woman and now you're going to a dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| I just can't wait to the day where they can do it genetically. | ||
| Where a woman really becomes a woman. | ||
| Like a man becomes a woman or a woman becomes a man. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| Even if they do, here's the issue. | ||
| If you knew that a woman took steroids for 30 years... | ||
| And develop insane tendon strength and muscle strength and then stop doing steroids. | ||
| It is a scientific fact that you are going to keep a very big percentage of those gains. | ||
| What are the gains? | ||
| What is the percentage? | ||
| 30% or 40%? | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Whatever percentage that you would keep after you get off the steroids, that is significant. | ||
| And even if you're not currently on these performance enhancing drugs, your body has been... | ||
| Artificially boosted to the superior level through these drugs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you lose a lot of the feminine, you know, you lose the breasts. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And those might not come back. | ||
| Well, I mean, I think if you take estrogen, they'll probably come back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not a fucking doctor. | ||
| I'm a moron. | ||
| But what I do know is when this is, we're in nonsense land. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not saying that someone can't become a woman and be a woman and I'll call them a woman. | ||
| I'll treat them like a woman. | ||
| I'm cool with it. | ||
| I'm 100% cool with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'm as open-minded as I come with this. | ||
| But this is unfair for women. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Which is what's so ironic about this. | ||
| Because everyone's supposed to be looking out for women. | ||
| If you're looking out for women, but you're also blindly progressive to the point where you're letting shit like this fly, well, now you're not looking out for women. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because now women are in this weird position where you're putting them at an unfair disadvantage. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's fucking crazy, man. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It makes me want to drink real Heineken. | ||
| I'm getting all loopy on this double zero. | ||
| No, they just sent this stuff to me. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to love Heineken Light. | ||
| I talk about that subject a little bit too much. | ||
| But it's a symptom of a sick society. | ||
| It's a symptom of a lack of rational thinking. | ||
| It's a symptom of people just bending over backwards so hard to be progressive and open-minded. | ||
| That you're giving in to these extremists, these crazy people that are looking at this thing completely delusionally. | ||
| When will it snap back? | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| Trump! | ||
| That's why Trump's president. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| He's gonna win again. | ||
| He's gonna win again. | ||
| Who can beat him? | ||
| They're not gonna beat him. | ||
| There's no one who can right now. | ||
| He's gonna win again. | ||
| He's gonna win again because of shit like this. | ||
| The more shit like this happens... | ||
| So then what's after Trump? | ||
| I mean, there's another four years. | ||
| His son, Donald Jr. Donald Jr. was with a friend of a friend of mine. | ||
| His name's Crispy, and he's a disabled veteran. | ||
| He's very able, I should say, but he's a wounded veteran. | ||
| He had his leg amputated. | ||
| Burns over most of his body. | ||
| Super positive attitude. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Anyways, he doesn't get political online. | ||
| He took a picture with Donald Trump Jr. Right. | ||
| And Instagram took it down for violating their terms of service. | ||
| It's just a photo. | ||
| A picture of just the president's son? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A photo with him and Trump Jr. just standing there. | ||
| And they took the picture down. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| That's not... | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe that's a glitch. | ||
| When they do that, do they give you a reason? | ||
| Or do they just do what they want? | ||
| Well, he posted it on his... | ||
| He sent me a direct message about it, too. | ||
| I actually reached out to him, because I follow him, and he follows me, and I was like, is this shit real? | ||
| And he's like, yup. | ||
| And he's super positive about it. | ||
| I mean, this is a guy who served our country, too, and he's a great guy. | ||
| Like, his... | ||
| His Instagram handle is Crispy11B. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, and he just put it up there, and they said that they got him for terms of service, and they took it down, and he put it back up again. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| So this is the photo right here. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| When asked, Instagram says that they didn't do it, so I don't know. | ||
| So they didn't do it, but who took it down then? | ||
| However, an Instagram spokesperson told Fox News the post was reviewed but was not deleted by the company after it found the post did not violate their standards. | ||
| But that's not true, because it's missing. | ||
| Spokesperson said that there are a number of reasons a post may no longer be available, including the account hoarder deletes either the account or the post. | ||
| He's saying he didn't do that, so it could have been something else. | ||
| I mean, you can't prove it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Well, I know that this dude is not an attention whore, and he wouldn't do that and lie about it. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, Twitter, Instagram could be lying. | ||
| It could be a glitch, too. | ||
| Sometimes it's a fortuitous glitch that looks like a massive conspiracy. | ||
| But he said they sent him notice. | ||
| It said it violated the terms of service. | ||
| So if he said that... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's what was sent back to him. | ||
| Pretty sure. | ||
| That's the screenshot you want. | ||
| Let me make sure that's what he said. | ||
| It says... | ||
| You violated something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what you want. | ||
| I mean, it's just so weird what's going on now. | ||
| Everything just seems so fucking preposterous. | ||
| Yeah, just like on Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff. | ||
| If it's something negative, I just, you know, that's gone. | ||
| I don't let people just start bashing me on that stuff. | ||
| Okay, here it is. | ||
| Once I landed, I opened up Instagram and got a message that your post was taken down for violating Instagram guidelines. | ||
| So, did he post that? | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Let me see if he did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he posted a thing saying it. | ||
| Okay, here's what he posted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It said, wounded veteran violated community standards by posting with Donald Trump Jr. He didn't post the actual notification, but he probably didn't even save it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Why would you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I believe him. | ||
| I believe him. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| It is a sad... | ||
| I think you also have overzealous employees. | ||
| I think there's that, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think there's probably... | ||
| A huge company. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, anybody could go rogue at any minute and just do what they want. | ||
| You think they're reading dick pics? | ||
| I would say someone could have just been fucking with them on the other way. | ||
| The other way around. | ||
| Someone could have just flagged it by a bunch of bots that just made it disappear to get a reaction like this. | ||
| It could be as simple as that. | ||
| Can you do that? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| So if you just had a bot that did that? | ||
| I could do it right now. | ||
| But wouldn't Instagram review it manually before they delete it? | ||
| No. | ||
| So it could just be taken down. | ||
| It happens on other accounts where it doesn't get reviewed that way and it just got taken down because it got flagged so many times. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, that's one thing that we did learn from talking to Jack Dorsey, the CEO of Twitter. | ||
| It's impossible to manage. | ||
| There's too many posts. | ||
| They're going up right now by the thousands. | ||
| If you could see everyone in America posting on Twitter right now, it'd be like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It would just be fucking flying. | |
| I mean, imagine if you could see it all happening all at once. | ||
| A supernova explosion of ones and zeros just busting all over the place. | ||
| And text. | ||
| Just text. | ||
| Who do you think, like, if you were to grab somebody's phone, the most popular person that gets tweeted the most and just looked at it, just looked at it, how fast would that go? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, just that one account. | ||
| Oh, it would be insane. | ||
| I mean, yours probably goes quick. | ||
| I don't have my notifications on. | ||
| Do you follow a lot of other people or do you just put stuff out? | ||
| Yeah, I follow a lot of other people. | ||
| I just follow whenever I think someone's interesting. | ||
| Someone's got cool pictures, I follow that guy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I follow thousands. | ||
| I'll hit like first. | ||
| Yeah, that's good too. | ||
| And then go like, let me see. | ||
| Let me go back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, yeah. | |
| Double check. | ||
| Double check. | ||
| So what else is this person's done? | ||
| Make sure they're not wacky. | ||
| What's really funny is people get mad at you for certain people you follow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like people are like, you gotta stop following R. Kelly. | ||
| Now... | ||
| Don't tell me what to do. | ||
| That's first of all. | ||
| First of all, don't tell me what to do. | ||
| Don't ever do that. | ||
| Second of all, what am I doing? | ||
| Am I boosting up his profile? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's fucking R. Kelly. | ||
| I want to know. | ||
| It doesn't matter if I follow him or if I don't. | ||
| I want to know how crazy he is. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Dude, did you see Tyron Woodley? | ||
| UFC top welterweight former champion had a thing on his Instagram page of him watching... | ||
| R. Kelly getting interviewed, where he was denying that he knows how to hogtie people. | ||
| And Tyron's laughing at him. | ||
| Play this, play this so we can hear it. | ||
| Oh, in this interview? | ||
| Yeah, this is great. | ||
| This shit ain't funny, but dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know how to hogtie people. | |
| I sent me home. | ||
| I don't know how to hog. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| He's not using consonants in that. | ||
| I follow R. Kelly for the same reason that I love Real Talk. | ||
| If you ever watch that video, Real Talk, we've played it on the podcast multiple times. | ||
| Real Talk is one of the greatest unintentional comedies that's ever been created. | ||
| Real Talk? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's an R. Kelly song where he's in an argument with his girlfriend on the phone. | ||
| And while he's in an argument with his girlfriend on the phone, he's like getting his hair done and shit. | ||
| He's smoking stoke. | ||
| He's drinking. | ||
| He's got like different outfits on. | ||
| And he's still in the conversation. | ||
| And there's one part where he goes, Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. | ||
| Real Talk. | ||
| Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes. | ||
| Real talk. | ||
| Are you serious about that? | ||
| Listen, I absolutely feel for any person that he's victimized. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| I absolutely do. | ||
| But you cannot deny that that shit is funny. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That shit is funny. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There is. | |
| There is. | ||
| Hold on, I just played that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What you want? | |
| With your trifling ass! | ||
| With your trifling ass! | ||
| Trifling is the best African-American saying of all time. | ||
| Trifling. | ||
| And it's one that white people cannot use. | ||
| I pronounce it too good. | ||
| They own that word. | ||
| They own that word as much as they own the N-word. | ||
| Stop trifling. | ||
| You can't be trifling. | ||
| You can't pronounce the G in trifling. | ||
| Yeah, that's why white people are not allowed to use it. | ||
| They would ruin it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He's out there trifling. | ||
| He's out there trifling again. | ||
| He's bullshit. | ||
| He's just a bullshit trifling ass. | ||
| Yeah, he's trifling ass. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| I bet gay guys use trifling. | ||
| I bet gay guys will pull it out. | ||
| Oh, him over there with his trifling ass. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Sounds like a rifle that you travel with. | ||
| It's a trifling. | ||
| Yeah, like a trifling. | ||
| A travel rifle. | ||
| They're thinking of banning those. | ||
| They're good for long range. | ||
| Don't bring that trifle with it. | ||
| How many people do you think had to look it up before Webster had to, like, answer this question? | ||
| What is a trifling heifer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, Definition of trifling. | |
| Lacking in significance or solid worth, such as A, frivolous, trifling. | ||
| B, trivial, a trifling gift. | ||
| C, chiefly dialectical. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Lazy, shiftless, and a trifling fellow. | ||
| A trifling fellow? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A trifling fellow! | |
| That is a trifling fellow, is he? | ||
| That's... | ||
| The most English thing you've ever said. | ||
| It got very wide at the end. | ||
| Trifling fellow. | ||
| He's a trifling fellow. | ||
| Don't bring your ass over here with a trifling fellow. | ||
| Yeah, that's a word, bro. | ||
| That's a legit word. | ||
| Trifling. | ||
| Shit, I was going to say something else, but I totally forgot. | ||
| What did we talk about right before trifling? | ||
| You were talking about R. Kelly. | ||
| I like that album. | ||
| He did an album where it was a lot of just talking. | ||
| Oh, Trapped in the Closet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, there was a whole series of videos. | ||
| I think Aziz had a whole thing on that. | ||
| I think he did, like, Aziz Ansari did a bit on it. | ||
| I believe so. | ||
| I know he had a bit about R. Kelly. | ||
| It might have been about Trapped in the Closet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Trapped in the Closet is great, but it can't fuck with Real Talk. | ||
| Real Talk's the jam. | ||
| Have you seen Weird Al Yankovic's Trapped in a drive-thru. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's the same length as R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. | ||
| And it's the same. | ||
| And it's all about being trapped in a McDonald's drive-thru because the person in front of him is taking too long. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| The fact that he did the whole song is what got me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Respect. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Respect. | ||
| Commitment. | ||
| It's animated, too. | ||
| It's a whole cartoon. | ||
| It's animated. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Which one is this? | ||
| This is. | ||
| Weird Al has been around for a long time, man. | ||
| I mean, I remember when Michael Jackson's Beat It came out, and he had Eat It. | ||
| Eat It? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that was in the 90s. | ||
| Instead of I'm bad, it was I'm fat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| That might have been the 80s. | ||
| It's got to be late 80s, early 90s. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| How old is here? | ||
| Weird Al's got to be 85 years old. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| No, he's 59. What? | ||
| 59? | ||
| Was he 12 back then? | ||
| His first song aired in 1976. What? | ||
| He was that big on Dr. Demento. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| So he was really young. | ||
| Dr. Demento. | ||
| Dr. Demento. | ||
| God, I remember that. | ||
| I remember listening when I was a kid, but they played all these weird, goofball, nerdy songs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was the king of it. | ||
| He has a huge following now. | ||
| He'll sell out places. | ||
| Weird Al? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got so much work. | ||
| He's got so, I mean, it's a giant body of work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I like his hair, too. | ||
| He's got that... | ||
| Apparently he's a super nice guy, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And smart, I've heard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But everyone's smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What else can we say about him? | |
| He's nice. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| He's a good dancer, too. | ||
| And he accepts his gender. | ||
| You know what I also like? | ||
| He's not trifling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I like. | |
| He's definitely not trifling. | ||
| Yeah, that's a word. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| There's certain words. | ||
| Like that one, you just seem so ridiculous if you try to use it. | ||
| Oh, this is what I was going to say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were talking about... | ||
| We weren't even talking about this, but... | ||
| My daughter is watching these YouTube videos of this... | ||
| There's this young gay fellow that does makeup tutorials. | ||
| James Charles. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He's enormous. | ||
| Like, he's enormous. | ||
| You know, he probably gets more views than any network show that's ever been created. | ||
| How old was this fellow? | ||
| He's young. | ||
| Looks like he's like 20. What do you say, Jamie? | ||
| I'm trying to know if I should bring this up. | ||
| The last thing that popped in my head during Coachella, he got accused of being in this viral video that happened. | ||
| It wasn't him, but the Ferris wheel at Coachella, have you ever seen that? | ||
| Do you know what I'm talking about? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a big famous thing that people take pictures in front of. | ||
| During a concert, you could see a silhouette of somebody getting head in there, and it's two guys. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's a very vivid video that went super viral on Twitter that night. | ||
| And they were saying it was him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How dare they? | ||
| He's all about makeup, not head. | ||
| Sons of bitches. | ||
| Keep it clean. | ||
| Keep it clean. | ||
| But it's hilarious. | ||
| My daughter sits in front of the TV cackling watching it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is it supposed to be funny? | ||
| She thinks it's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She thinks he's hilarious. | ||
| Is this dude going for laughter? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, he's covered in crazy makeup. | ||
| I think what she was laughing at, though, in all fairness, was he was making fun of someone, subscribers, 16 million people. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I think he was making fun of people that put on too much makeup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So he was going crazy with the makeup, but she thought it was really funny. | ||
| That is fucking bananas. | ||
| 16 million people, and he's doing makeup tutorials. | ||
| He looks great! | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like, there's an audience from all kinds of shit like this that you would have never expected. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And because of the access, Because on-demand access, especially through a computer, it's so easy. | ||
| It's so easy to just type in the next thing. | ||
| John Reed, Penny, bang. | ||
| It just pops up. | ||
| So these people that... | ||
| No network in their right mind. | ||
| NBC would never say, hey, that young guy, let's get that guy to do a makeup show. | ||
| They'd be like, get the fuck out of the office. | ||
| You don't know shit about ratings. | ||
| Meanwhile, 8 billion subscribers. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That'd be a fun game to play. | ||
| It's like, what rabbit hole would YouTube send you down if you typed in this and just let it keep going on its own? | ||
| Those algorithms, the real problem is people think that a lot of those algorithms are essentially designed to get you angry. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Get you pissed off so you watch the next thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are they teaching our children? | ||
| What are they teaching our children? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Next! | |
| Yeah, this is the problem with illegal immigration. | ||
| I knew there's a fucking problem! | ||
| And then, you know, next thing you know, you're just more and more angry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like the argument with Facebook, too, is that... | ||
| They're trying to figure out what gets people to engage. | ||
| And so the algorithm realizes what you engage with, and then that's what they show you more of. | ||
| And what gets people to engage is shit that makes them mad. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| It keeps me wanting to... | ||
| I watch fight videos on Facebook all day. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Well, just like brawls in a schoolyard. | ||
| It just keeps going. | ||
| I'm like, oh man, what's going to happen here? | ||
| Those get me anxiety. | ||
| Do they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you know, I don't do much of the fighting, so when I see it, it's like, oh, this is interesting. | ||
| Who's going to win this one? | ||
| I like it when the underdog wins. | ||
| Yeah, I enjoy watching it. | ||
| I mean, I will watch them. | ||
| Not if it's stuck, it's obviously someone's about to die like that. | ||
| A good couple punches to the face. | ||
| Well, the best ones are when someone deserves it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Those are the ones you enjoy. | ||
| When someone's being a real dick, and someone's like, listen, man, you're being a dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just saw one. | ||
| There's a guy on a... | ||
| It was a, I want to say like an old Middle Eastern couple that are on a subway. | ||
| And this dude's like smacking his wife in the face like that. | ||
| And this other guy, he's across from him and he's recording it. | ||
| And he's like, no, not in front of me. | ||
| And he walked over there and said, he told him like eight times to stop. | ||
| And then just punching the shit out of him. | ||
| So it's nice to see it, you know. | ||
| That is nice to see. | ||
| Yeah, there's one of a guy in the... | ||
| Okay, it's like a bus, and some guy's running his mouth to this old white guy who's obviously like an ex-Vietnam vet, and he's telling him, like, just leave it alone, man. | ||
| Leave it alone. | ||
| And he comes down there, and then he walks up to the front, and he just beats the shit out of him. | ||
| And you just see blood coming out of his face, and it's like, you know, he started this. | ||
| He engaged that whole thing. | ||
| The guy was walking away, and then he went back up there. | ||
| Those are the best ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When someone deserves it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many, like, that's the thing about, like, a guy smacking his wife in public. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, how often does he smack her that he's so confident that he'll just smack her in front of everybody? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, it must be, he must think it's acceptable and everyone else is cool with it. | ||
| Or he must think that he could just get away with things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes people just think they can get away with things. | ||
| Yeah, there was not many people on that bus in this video. | ||
| I think he felt like that guy wasn't even paying attention to him. | ||
| Or that most people are just going to be too scared to say anything. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what... | ||
| I mean, this is where it gets real scary. | ||
| Because that is the best argument for the end of all privacy. | ||
| Is that no one would ever be able to do anything like that because the whole world would be watching. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Keep somebody honest. | ||
| It depends on what kind of action you could take. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you could literally see everything that's happening at any time everywhere in the world. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, now that everyone's got cams, so it's like... | ||
| It's close. | ||
| It's close. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Then they're going to have those fucking foldable things. | ||
| You're keeping cops honest? | ||
| You're keeping the people honest now a little bit? | ||
| Until too much alcohol is involved? | ||
| No, there's something to it. | ||
| Because if you think about... | ||
| Kennedy did a speech on secrecy. | ||
| It was like in 1961 or 62 about how abhorrent secrecy is. | ||
| How dangerous it is for a free society. | ||
| And they were basically talking about secret societies and secret, you know, pacts in the government. | ||
| He was basically, I think a lot of it was him talking about some of the shady shit that he experienced in intelligence agencies. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| But when you have, like, kings or when you have people that are in power, like, how do they wield that power? | ||
| One of the ways they wield that power, it's all secrecy. | ||
| If they want to execute people, they want to kill people or torture people. | ||
| It's all secret. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The world is not privy to it. | ||
| Like, what happened to him? | ||
| They took him to a bunker somewhere. | ||
| And they're beating the shit out of him and torturing him. | ||
| Like North Korea. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They're just isolated from the rest of the world. | ||
| And who knows what the hell he's doing over there. | ||
| We just know the stuff that he allows us to know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's the perfect example of power and secrecy, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, they just take you and make you disappear. | ||
| He's executed a bunch of people. | ||
| Oh, yeah, but we don't even know. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| They're never close to the tip of the iceberg on that. | ||
| I'm sure that still goes on here, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure people are killing people for someone right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You know, and some of them deserve it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Give them an extra one for me. | ||
| It's also weird what we'll accept people dying from. | ||
| I was listening to this podcast Where this wolf lady, she's a wolf biologist, she was talking to my friend Steve Rinella on the Meat Eater podcast, and she was talking about how we accept people getting killed by mountain lions. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| It happened twice last year. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| It's not really common, but it happens. | ||
| But the moment that people start getting killed by wolves in America, people are going to get furious. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because they reintroduced wolves in 1994. That's right. | ||
| Oh, so that's... | ||
| They're outraged that we did that, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, she was... | ||
| Basically, there was two really interesting things about the podcast. | ||
| A lot of really interesting things, but two that really stood out was one that... | ||
| These people, they reintroduced these animals in 1994, but there were already some wolves here. | ||
| And the wolves would have probably eventually made it down there. | ||
| It was in Yellowstone, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that we aren't... | ||
| Because of the fact that they brought them in, and it wasn't just a natural fixture, we have this thing like, oh, somebody ruined this. | ||
| Somebody fucked this up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The other thing is that they number them instead of name them. | ||
| Because if you name them, it's like, oh, there's Dolores. | ||
| Oh, Dolores killed some sheep. | ||
| We're going to have to take her out. | ||
| No, we can't kill Dolores. | ||
| Not Dolores. | ||
| Yeah, number three. | ||
| Wolf 157. Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| It's like inmates in prison. | ||
| You just give them numbers. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So it's easier to kill them. | ||
| Easier to treat them like cattle. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But one guy killed that mountain lion. | ||
| He fought back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That story turned out to be horseshit. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Yeah, the mountain lion was a kitten. | ||
| It was a kitten, yeah. | ||
| It was a real kitten, and it had been separated from its mom. | ||
| You think his mom got killed? | ||
| And it was really, really small and really young. | ||
| So it wasn't like... | ||
| I mean, he might have attacked it. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| He was emaciated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he still got fucked up a little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a bitch. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
| If he's listening right now, I'm sorry, bro. | ||
| But I think... | ||
| What happened? | ||
| You're alive. | ||
| We're happy alive. | ||
| You better not touch wolves, buddy. | ||
| I think maybe it was starving to death and it took a chance to try to kill him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's possible, too. | ||
| But it was really small. | ||
| It's like 30 pounds. | ||
| Which, still, a 30-pound cat is fucking terrifying. | ||
| I never saw pictures of the cat. | ||
| The one that he killed. | ||
| No, I never saw it either. | ||
| Because I think something had ate a lot of it by the time. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So did he say how he did it? | ||
| Did he put it in like a choke hold? | ||
| Or did he... | ||
| He stabbed it with a... | ||
| He choked it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Right? | ||
| Stepped on it? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was going to ask if you saw this thing going around the internet about this wolf pack being tracked. | ||
| There's actually six of them. | ||
| It's like a moving gif over time. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I have seen this. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It shows how they never cross territories. | ||
| Oh, cool! | ||
| Six different packs, I think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They all establish their territory, they mark their territory, and they all respect it. | ||
| It's like over Minnesota, I think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Minnesota has a shitload of wolves, apparently. | ||
| What if it keeps going and it's a picture of Jimi Hendrix? | ||
| Wisconsin has a shitload of wolves, apparently. | ||
| Like, thousands. | ||
| Wisconsin, yeah. | ||
| I could see that. | ||
| And it's a lot of woods up there and just land. | ||
| Not many major cities. | ||
| I think I saw a wolf once. | ||
| I think I saw a wolf once. | ||
| You mean like in the wild? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was big. | ||
| It was either a coyote or it was a wolf. | ||
| But I think it might have been a wolf. | ||
| Because it was just getting dusk and I was in Alberta. | ||
| And I saw this thing run across the road. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| That might have been a wolf. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you see a wolf, the spooky thing is, what are they doing? | ||
| Are they circling you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are they checking you out? | ||
| And they're not usually alone, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Those are the lone wolf, but that's rare. | ||
| That's an asshole. | ||
| That's a guy who got kicked out. | ||
| You ever seen this video? | ||
| This one's great. | ||
| No. | ||
| Look at the size of this thing. | ||
| Comes out of the woods and walks across the street. | ||
| Look at the size of this motherfucker. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| That's a bear. | ||
| That's such a big wolf. | ||
| That's a bear. | ||
| No, that's a wolf. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| It's a big-ass wolf. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| That's probably a 130-pound wolf or something. | ||
| Where is this? | ||
| If I had to guess, is this like Russia? | ||
| Russia. | ||
| Yeah, it's got to be Russia. | ||
| That's a gigantic wolf. | ||
| Russia's had real, legitimate problems with wolves. | ||
| Where in Siberia, they have these super packs. | ||
| They would get together because they were starving. | ||
| So they'd get like 100 wolves who'd form a super pack. | ||
| Because they could kind of do whatever the fuck they wanted once they got that big. | ||
| And they started killing horses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Going to horse stables to just... | ||
| A bunch of wolves would take down a horse easy. | ||
| Yeah, but it's just the idea that the super packs, they realized it was too hard to just take over shit with all these pesky people and their guns in houses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so they got Desperado. | ||
| We're going to take your fucking horses now. | ||
| Siberia has always been an interesting place. | ||
| Have you been to Russia? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've been. | ||
| Have you? | ||
| What did you do up there? | ||
| 1990. Yeah? | ||
| Right before communism fell. | ||
| I was there for three weeks. | ||
| Whoa, before communism fell. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What were you doing? | ||
| Gorbachev was in power. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you a spy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Wow, that's pretty good. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| I said, hello. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Please and thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's the words I remember. | ||
| It was this program founded by Dwight D. Eisenhower in the 40s. | ||
| It's called People to People, where they send the youth of America to other countries to hang out with that youth to promote world peace. | ||
| And that's all it is. | ||
| And certain kids from high schools are selected, and you go to Washington, D.C. first for three days. | ||
| They debrief you, and then you go to another country. | ||
| Ours was Russia. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| I had a great time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And I told Bert Kreischer that too, you know, because he has the whole machine story. | ||
| I said, I feel like I can't tell my Russian story because you've owned it so much with your machine story that if I do anything about this, then it's going to look like, oh, okay, you too, huh? | ||
| Yeah, you got a Russian story. | ||
| Dude, you should tell it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, people want to hear it. | ||
| They'll understand. | ||
| They don't think you're a thief. | ||
| I kind of got in trouble because I was trading illegally on the black market over there. | ||
| Not on purpose. | ||
| I didn't know I was doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Likely story. | ||
| If I was a cop, I'd be like, tell me more. | ||
| That's kind of what happened. | ||
| This dude I was talking to, it was after a function that we were at, you know, where you would go to some town, some village, and they'd greet you with bread and salt, and they would dance around, and you would just... | ||
| Eat with them and hang out or whatever. | ||
| So I was just talking to this kid. | ||
| They speak perfect English. | ||
| We're the ones who don't speak Russian. | ||
| So this kid's trying to teach me Russian cuss words and I thought he was pretty cool. | ||
| It's before the internet. | ||
| So I had a bunch of these ink pens that my mom gave me from a phone company where she worked. | ||
| She goes, just give them ink pens. | ||
| They love anything with English writing on it. | ||
| Anything American, they're going to love it. | ||
| Bubble gum, jeans, ink pens. | ||
| So I was like, yeah, dude, let's be pen pals. | ||
| So exchanging addresses. | ||
| I'm like, I'll keep in touch with you. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| And I give him a pin and he gives me his address. | ||
| And what I don't know is this dude's already kind of in trouble with cops over there for trading illegally on the black market. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| And this cop just grabbed both of us. | ||
| Drags us into the hotel. | ||
| No one saw me from my group get grabbed, by the way, because I was off doing my own little thing with this dude, right? | ||
| Learning Russian cuss words. | ||
| So we go into his office in this hotel, and they're just cussing each other in Russian, and I don't know what the hell's going on. | ||
| I'm like, dude, what is this? | ||
| Am I in big trouble here? | ||
| He goes, this is bullshit. | ||
| Let's not have to worry about that. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| And they scream some more. | ||
| Now, the cop doesn't speak English. | ||
| And so, he's basically my translator, this guy, to the cop. | ||
| I'm like, hey man, I'm with this group, you know, I don't know what's going on. | ||
| And so he kicks that kid out, the Russian cop. | ||
| And now it's just me and this Russian cop, and I'm looking at him, and he's looking at me, and he looks at my bag with all these ink pens, and he's like, he goes like this, he's like, let me see, you know. | ||
| He's like, oh, you want a pen? | ||
| So I hand him a pen, and he looks at it. | ||
| He's like, oh, cool, and he puts it in his desk. | ||
| And he goes away, and he comes back with this big-ass Russian pendant sickle and hammer thing with wings coming out. | ||
| It's a pretty cool-looking thing. | ||
| And he just handed it to me. | ||
| And he goes like this. | ||
| So he technically arrested me for trading, and then he traded with me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 1990 is when that happened. | ||
| It was pretty crazy. | ||
| It was fun to see all that shit, though, right before it fell. | ||
| Did you see, like, lines in the street for food or anything crazy like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not... | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I saw Lennon's. | ||
| We went to Red Square, Lennon's Tomb. | ||
| We went to some smaller little danky villages. | ||
| Went swimming in the Nippa River, right close to where Chernobyl was, like 50 miles from Chernobyl. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So... | ||
| But yeah, there was... | ||
| You definitely tell it was... | ||
| Definitely some poverty going on here and there. | ||
| But not to the extreme that you hear. | ||
| I didn't see these lines around buildings for toilet paper or anything like that. | ||
| Communism was on its way out, too. | ||
| It wasn't in the worst part of it. | ||
| But it was definitely an experience. | ||
| I was 18 when I went over there. | ||
| There's a picture of me in Red Square. | ||
| And I got acid wash jeans. | ||
| I got a Bugle Boy t-shirt on. | ||
| And I'm wearing a fanny pack with deck shoes. | ||
| And I'm just doing like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So that was fun, man. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's got to be a hell of a flight, too, right? | ||
| How long does it take to get to Russia? | ||
| We went to Germany first on a layover there for like three hours. | ||
| Frankfurt. | ||
| And then... | ||
| God, I was so young. | ||
| I couldn't even tell you how long that thing was. | ||
| It's been a long time. | ||
| 47 now. | ||
| That is an interesting country to me. | ||
| It's always been an interesting country. | ||
| Because it gets so fucking cold. | ||
| And they're hard people. | ||
| And they create all these amazing fighters. | ||
| There's so many great fighters and wrestlers and wrestlers that have come out of Russia a former Soviet Union Dragov Rocky five or four four. | ||
| Yeah, the new one was scary He was afraid a new Creed Rocky's Yeah, you know that I've heard I haven't seen it yet. | ||
| Yeah Drago's son is yeah fighting Who is this guy? | ||
| Creed's son. | ||
| Do we know the actor? | ||
| Is it out yet the Creed guy? | ||
| No, no think the son out The son of Drago. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some Russian cat. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably not even Russian. | |
| So is that someone that's already famous over here? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Yeah, there's the guy. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| There's Drago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| This is the son. | ||
| This is my son. | ||
| He still looks like a badass. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He's still a badass, I'm sure. | ||
| His jaw is perfectly square. | ||
| That's like a damn square. | ||
| Look how much bigger he is. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| How tall is Sylvester? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Have you met him? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I think he's... | ||
| He's got about 5'9"? | ||
| He's taller than me. | ||
| I'm 5'8". | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So he's either 5'9 or 5'10". | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So that, well then Drago must be huge. | ||
| Like how tall does it say he is? | ||
| Because everybody who jokes around says he's 5'11 or that he's 5'7 or 5'5. | ||
| But they do that with everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They do a Tom Cruise. | ||
| Yeah, it says 5'10". | ||
| See, that makes sense. | ||
| So he's two inches taller than me. | ||
| 5'10". | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, yeah, I think I'm 5'9". | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I haven't measured myself in a while. | ||
| How tall do you think I am? | ||
| I think you're about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
About 5'9". | |
| Yeah. | ||
| In high school, I always put like 5'10", 5'11". | ||
|
unidentified
|
People are bigger now. | |
| People are bigger now. | ||
| We're old people that are small. | ||
| And as people get bigger and bigger, these kids today that are hitting puberty when they're six... | ||
| There's the hormones in the meat! | ||
| What's up? | ||
| 6'5". | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Who's 6'5"? | ||
| They probably accentuated his height for that scene. | ||
| Well, that's just his hair is 5 inches. | ||
| Look at that damn hair. | ||
| Yeah, but that looks like he's almost like a foot taller than him, doesn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they probably had him in heels and had Sylvester Stallone barefoot or something for that shot. | ||
| Didn't they say, like, at one point during this movie, Rocky said, go ahead and hit me for real one time. | ||
| Just want to, you know, make it look real. | ||
| Because they were always like, you know, they're like an inch apart in the swings. | ||
| And it almost hit him to the hospital. | ||
| Like, he hit him in the chest. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, he talked about that. | ||
| So he almost stopped his heart or some shit. | ||
| That's a dumb idea. | ||
| Dolph Rundgren is a beast. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's a serious athlete. | ||
| He was a professional, yeah. | ||
| He's a kickboxer. | ||
| Kickboxer, yeah. | ||
| Really good. | ||
| Sylvester Stallone. | ||
| Lundgren put me in the hospital during Rocky IV. Yeah, I believe it. | ||
| Don't let people hit you, bro. | ||
| I like the realism, though. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| I wonder if they even use the clip. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He also has, like, screws in his neck from doing the Expendables. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you got, Jamie? | ||
| He's put in intensive care for five days because of that. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| With nuns walking around. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The insurance company would not pay out until after they saw the footage of the incident. | ||
| Once they did, they wrote the check. | ||
| I want to see that footage. | ||
| I want to see that punch. | ||
| He hit my heart so hard that it banged against my ribs and started to swell. | ||
| And that usually happens in car accidents. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Jesus, that guy can punch! | ||
| He's a beast, man. | ||
| He's a giant dude. | ||
| Why would he ever kill a dude? | ||
| And he's a serious striker. | ||
| Like, he knows how to throw shots. | ||
| If you watch him in his movies, he's obviously trained. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to see that footage. | ||
| I want to see that punk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ouch. | |
| That's got to be out there. | ||
| What if Sylvester Stallone wouldn't let anybody see it? | ||
| It's too embarrassing. | ||
| The way he cried. | ||
| He makes a weird face. | ||
| He's like that lady who steps on grapes, who falls down and goes, Ow! | ||
| She loses her breath. | ||
| You can never be an action hero again if somebody sees you cry. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| If somebody sees you legitimately cry from a liver shot, like, whoa! | ||
| You just shit yourself. | ||
| He's looking at the camera. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Shitting yourself is probably the most embarrassing thing a person can do, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially if you shit yourself. | ||
| Like a guy who's known for being handsome and debonair and a badass. | ||
| Yeah, just can't make it to the toilet in time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Blah! | |
| There's no control over himself. | ||
| Shit yourself in your car while you're driving. | ||
| You got white leather seats. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| It's going to happen to someone. | ||
| It happens to everybody. | ||
| There's going to be a time in your life if you eat risky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Think of the most handsome person in the world. | ||
| Most beautiful woman in the world. | ||
| Splattering. | ||
| Her shit all over herself at some point. | ||
| In her hotness heyday. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| I don't like thinking about that. | ||
| What was the Woody Harrelson movie? | ||
| Was it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Was it a shit scene? | ||
| That was he was throwing up. | ||
| Was it the Woody Harrelson movie where he played the bowler? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Kingpin. | ||
| Kingpin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That wasn't a shit scene, right? | ||
| There wasn't a shit scene in that. | ||
| I'm thinking of Dumb and Dumber. | ||
| There is a shit scene. | ||
| Well, he's just shitting in the urinal. | ||
| That's about it, really. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That's right. | ||
| I know how to do it. | ||
| Is that a Farrelly Brothers movie? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Dumb and Dumber has a big shit scene, too, with Jeff Daniels. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, where he's like... | ||
| That's what I'm thinking of. | ||
| Puts laxative in his drink. | ||
| Yeah, where he's hanging onto the toilet seat lid like he's going to get shot to orbit. | ||
| And he's going... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Making all those weird noises. | ||
| Yeah, because Jim Carrey was stealing his girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He poisoned him. | ||
| Poisoned his friend. | ||
| Yeah, that's it right there. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Full on. | ||
| But Kingpin. | ||
| Was it a Farrelly Brothers movie? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's one of my all-time favorite comedy movies. | ||
| Kingpin? | ||
| That's a great guy. | ||
| I remember loving it, but I haven't seen it in so long. | ||
| I need to look at it again. | ||
| I'm scared to watch movies that I love again and see them in the light of 2019 and go, ew. | ||
| This is terrible. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| That's happened a couple times. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| It's weird, right? | ||
| You remember them so fondly. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| Look at that hair. | ||
| That hair's amazing. | ||
| It was such a good movie, man. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| Someone in hair and makeup had to go like, I'm sure that was his decision, we're going to make your hair just fan out randomly. | ||
| It's going to look like a spoiler on a Fiero. | ||
| Donald Trump's hair before Donald Trump had it. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| He had like a little Trump thing going on there. | ||
| It's very similar. | ||
| There's a professional bowler now in the PBA that has a full-on orange afro right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And he's, like, really good. | ||
| And he's from my hometown. | ||
| Yeah, see, if you're a bowler, you gotta do something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta stand out. | |
| You gotta wear, like, purple, glittery clothes or some shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| That's smart. | ||
| That's just Brandon. | ||
| He's peacocking. | ||
| He's like, there he is! | ||
| That dude's from Hickory, North Carolina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See, that's why he wears that shit. | |
| Got him. | ||
| Well, he's got to. | ||
| He's got to. | ||
| I mean, how the fuck else do you get attention when you're a bowler? | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| Like, that might be the only way to save bowling. | ||
| They might have to, like, go, like, roller derby and just knock into each other while they're bowling. | ||
| People are bored of bowling, man. | ||
| I've never sat down and watched bowling. | ||
| Ari's got a good friend, Tommy... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| He's a professional bowler. | ||
| Real nice guy. | ||
| I met him at a couple of shows. | ||
| But this guy's a real pro bowler. | ||
| We were talking about the financial opportunities of bowling. | ||
| And it's not good. | ||
| Like pro pool players look down on bowlers. | ||
| You'd be surprised. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fat dick. | |
| Tommy... | ||
| Ari's friend. | ||
| I'm sorry, Tommy. | ||
| Have you bowled recently? | ||
| I bowled with my kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's fun. | ||
| I've bowled, yeah. | ||
| Delutes, maybe? | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| Yeah, Tommy Delutes. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| The guy I went to high school with was... | ||
| Yep, that's him. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| There's Ari. | ||
| Ari went to see him bowl. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good guy. | ||
| Real good guy. | ||
| Real fucking killer bowler. | ||
| Can you make it curve? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Do you even try? | ||
| Steamroll that motherfucker. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| Right down the damn middle. | ||
| I do it as hard as humanly possible. | ||
| Or it's just disturbing for people to watch. | ||
| And now they have the miles per hour up there. | ||
| So you can see how fast. | ||
| It's like a damn pitching thing. | ||
| I'm trying to get that bitch fast. | ||
| I just want to smash those things. | ||
| I get annoyed at the guys who, like, curve it really good. | ||
| Like, it goes way over here and it just whips real fast. | ||
| And then they gutter ball. | ||
| I'm like, all that for fucking nothing. | ||
| Look at all that you did. | ||
| Now watch me. | ||
| Right down the middle. | ||
| To me, bowling was always like breaking in pool. | ||
| It's like, yeah, it's cool to break the balls, but the real cool thing is to play the game. | ||
| You're just breaking the balls over and over again. | ||
| It's the same look every time. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| Well, it's like bowling. | ||
| Bowling, you're just breaking the balls. | ||
| That's all you're doing. | ||
| When you're bowling, you've got pins. | ||
| You're just knocking down the pins in the exact same order. | ||
| It's the same thing every time. | ||
| And I know the combinations are different and the way they collide and the way you impact is different, but it's still the same thing. | ||
| It's a dumb game. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| And my grandfather was a big bowler, man. | ||
| He bowled leagues and he had trophies in his house and shit. | ||
| He used to love bowling. | ||
| But when I was a little kid, I was analyzing bowling. | ||
| Because he'd take me bowling with him. | ||
| I was like, this is a nonsense game. | ||
| This game's nonsense. | ||
| How do you get into it? | ||
| Just so you can smoke and drink? | ||
| Dude, there's a thing that they have on the East Coast in Boston that they don't even have anywhere else. | ||
| It's called Candle Pin Bowling. | ||
| You ever see that shit? | ||
| It's a smaller version? | ||
| Dude, you bowl with a softball. | ||
| That sounds more fun to me. | ||
| But it's huge in the East Coast. | ||
| Hometown Ohio, they've got a few places, actually, gigantic bars that have all these lanes for this thing, yeah. | ||
| For Candle Pin Bowling? | ||
| Yeah, it's called pins or something like that. | ||
| I was looking down on that, because I came from my grandfather in New Jersey who bowled regular bowling like a fucking American. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then I'm over, what's this candle pin bullshit? | ||
| I'm like, would you guys steal this from Finland or something? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Nonsense game. | ||
| Look at those pins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at those things. | |
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Now see, I didn't know it was that. | ||
| That is ridiculous. | ||
| I didn't know they were shaped that way. | ||
| They're throwing rocks. | ||
| They're throwing rocks at pins. | ||
| That's not what I was talking about. | ||
| This is really just a bar game. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| This is not what you're talking about? | ||
| Well, I mean it is, but it's way smaller and it's really just like a bar game. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| They have like five lanes or ten lanes and you can Oh. | ||
| But it's this same game? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll show you. | |
| Candlepin Bowling in New England, they'll have bowling alleys. | ||
| And you go, oh, let's go bowl. | ||
| And they're like, oh, we're candlepin only. | ||
| People are like, what? | ||
| Candlepin only. | ||
| Bowling alleys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So we're going to light these candles? | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| Set them on fire. | ||
| It only works on the East Coast for some reason. | ||
| There's a few of those things. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Highlight. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| How fast does that ball go? | ||
| That ball goes fast. | ||
| It's actually way smaller than I was thinking in my head. | ||
| I've only been there once. | ||
| It's way different. | ||
| Miniature bowling, kind of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's like skeet ball, too. | ||
| Skeet ball a little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's kind of like candle pin bowling. | ||
| But the pins are different. | ||
| They're shaped like candles. | ||
| That's why it's called candle pin bowling. | ||
| If you look at them, they're thin pins. | ||
| They're not fat on the bottom. | ||
| It's like, why do we even hear? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Are we bowling or not? | ||
| Make a commitment. | ||
| High Lie, I think, is one of the most corrupt games. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Someone tried to tell me, oh, it was Joey. | ||
| He was explaining to me how High Lie works, that it's all about gambling. | ||
| And the only reason why it works is that people are betting on the games. | ||
| And so because people are betting on the games, they get these guys, and these guys are just fucking missing on purpose. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, it's like it's rigged. | ||
| I might be wrong. | ||
| If you're a highlight player and you're like, Fuck you, Joe Rogan! | ||
| I'll never listen to this podcast again! | ||
| Hey, I get my information from the church of what's happening now. | ||
| Look at that damn glove. | ||
| Look how they play with that goofy thing. | ||
| It looks like somebody with one long, freaky nail. | ||
| They're holding it, right? | ||
| It's not like wrapped around their wrist. | ||
| They're holding it like a tennis racket. | ||
| How much more fun would it be if he watched a baseball game where the pitcher just had that thing? | ||
| Boy, that looks so stupid. | ||
| This game looks so dumb. | ||
| What's the goal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's winning? | |
| Who's losing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're throwing it off the wall and then another guy catches it. | ||
| Somebody better get hit in the face pretty quick. | ||
| They're putting forth minimum effort. | ||
| Even when he falls down, it's like that guy, he's falling down like he's trying to get a foul. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he does. | ||
| It looks like he flopped. | ||
| Yeah, he flopped. | ||
| And soccer. | ||
| The soccer flops the best. | ||
| Oh, he soccer flopped it. | ||
| That's why soccer never make it in America. | ||
| The flop. | ||
| You have 30 years of flopping. | ||
| You can't trick us. | ||
| We can watch it on TV. We know what you do. | ||
| You know, though, I think it's catching on to the NFL and the NBA. They're flopping? | ||
| They're starting to flop a little bit more. | ||
| Because they see what happens. | ||
| Didn't somebody analyze? | ||
| Whose free throw did they analyze? | ||
| There was an ESPN analyst who analyzed... | ||
| What's the guy's name with the big crazy beard? | ||
| Really good basketball player? | ||
| Oh, from the Clippers? | ||
| Oh, go to... | ||
| I don't know what... | ||
| I pretended to know. | ||
| I literally don't know shit. | ||
| Go to Andrew Schultz's... | ||
| I think it's Kevin Durant. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Andrew Schultz's... | ||
| Go to Andrew Schultz's Twitter page. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So he had it up on his Twitter and I watched it. | ||
| I watched the analysis. | ||
| The difference between him when he's challenged and he throws a free throw versus unchallenged. | ||
| James Harden with the beard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| James Harden. | ||
| What do you mean challenged? | ||
| Meaning someone's trying to block him or he has a free open shot. | ||
| When he has a free open shot, he just jumps up in the air and does his three-pointer. | ||
| But when he's challenged, he throws his legs up to hit the other person so he can fall down on his ass. | ||
| Oh, like it's like a leg kick? | ||
| Like a self-defense move? | ||
| Well, it's not even a self-defense move. | ||
| He's like making... | ||
| He's forcing contact with the person so that he can fall down. | ||
| So it looks like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| So it looks like he got fouled. | ||
| So here you'll see him. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| No one's there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch. | |
| Watch he jumps. | ||
| He jumps straight up in the air. | ||
| Straight up. | ||
| Just straight up in the air. | ||
| And this guy analyzes several shots where he does this. | ||
| Oh, and he missed. | ||
| And then they show when he's contested. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And when he's contested, he jumps up in the air. | ||
| And look, he throws his body weight forward and then falls down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So, in the hopes that they'll be a foul. | ||
| Yeah, they're saying, like, if you look at the way his body moves, when someone's contesting him, he moves and leaning his legs towards them to make contact with them. | ||
| Do you think that's involuntary or voluntary? | ||
| It could be involuntary. | ||
| See, the problem is that pencil-neck dork fucking... | ||
| No, he's specifically known, especially in the last two or three years, for getting himself to the free throw line at a way higher clip than almost anybody in history. | ||
| So that's what they're also saying. | ||
| You can't fault him for that because he's using the rules of the game to play the game. | ||
| Right, so who is this guy who's examining this? | ||
| Scott Van Pelt. | ||
| Scott Van Pelt. | ||
| So the head sports center guy is analyzing this and he's realizing that I don't know. | ||
| I'm going with Scott Van Pelten. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that his name? | |
| Yeah, they made it a rule too. | ||
| There's a big thing that happened over the weekend in their game because you have to give the guy a space to land because a couple years ago there were a couple defensive players that got in trouble for hurting people. | ||
| They were getting their ankles turned, ruining their career, which is then ruining this team's chances to win a championship. | ||
| Lots of money involved. | ||
| It's a flagrant foul. | ||
| It's very bad to do that. | ||
| And the referees all of a sudden didn't call this on Sunday. | ||
| The very first time all year they stopped calling it. | ||
| That's why they're talking about it, really. | ||
| And they stop calling it because people are taking advantage of it? | ||
| Why they stop calling it is the big question that people are literally talking about for 48 hours. | ||
| Like, why are they doing this? | ||
| Bringing up the question of, like, are the officials really involved in the game? | ||
| And it's become a big discussion about that. | ||
| Another reason why I won't watch it. | ||
| Do you watch sports? | ||
| I watch football. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Do you worry about brain damage? | ||
| Well, yeah, because it's going to ruin the NFL. Do you look at it differently? | ||
| Let's go take my sport away. | ||
| Do you look at it differently than you did before that concussion movie? | ||
| Well, I played high school football. | ||
| I've got hit so hard that I've seen stars and that kind of stuff. | ||
| But I think that could happen... | ||
| I don't look at it differently, to answer your question. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think, you know... | ||
| They might change the helmets. | ||
| And they've tried that over the years. | ||
| Do you remember, like... | ||
| It was just leather helmets. | ||
| There was less concussions because you would not lead with your head. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Now you have a weapon on your head and people have used it as such. | ||
| And so I would love... | ||
| You know how they do throwback uniforms? | ||
| I mean, let's go throw back equipment. | ||
| Let's put the leather helmet back on. | ||
| Take that stupid face mask off. | ||
| You really should, but you'd have to change so much. | ||
| You'd have to change so much in the way people... | ||
| There's so many different factors. | ||
| The way they practice, the way they set up plays. | ||
| It would have to be a new game. | ||
| I don't think it's going to happen. | ||
| I think the perception of the helmet being safer fucked the game up. | ||
| I really think it did. | ||
| I used to think that bare knuckle boxing, that they should have bare knuckles in the UFC, but then I've been watching this bare knuckle boxing stuff, and people get cut up so bad, now I'm thinking, you know what? | ||
| It's better to have padded knuckles. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| It's better for the fighters. | ||
| The helmets, the leather helmets were padded. | ||
| They just weren't like a hard shell. | ||
| And the shell is what made it, you know, you used it as a weapon. | ||
| That's literally the only way you're going to be able to stop some of this brain damage. | ||
| And you're still not going to be able to stop at all. | ||
| They're still colliding into each other. | ||
| They say these guys are getting brain damage from getting hit in the chest. | ||
| They're getting hit in the chest and their head snaps back and their brain's swashing around inside their skull. | ||
| Well, they're changing, I think, Maybe like in the little league now, it's like you can't do tackle football until a certain age. | ||
| So now it's all flag football until a certain age, I think. | ||
| That'll probably happen. | ||
| And then the practices will be different. | ||
| We only do pads once a week. | ||
| Save it for the real game. | ||
| Well, it would be amazing if they ever came up with something that definitively fixed it, like some stem cell treatment or something like that that regenerated brain tissue and bring you back to your normal state. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| If they do that, then we don't have to worry about it anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But until that, man. | ||
| Well, that's got to be around the corner. | ||
| That's close. | ||
| I think that's a very complex question of how to regenerate neural tissue, brain tissue, how to get rid of all those abscesses and all those things that you see in those people's brains that have CTE. They develop these holes in their brain. | ||
| It's serious shit. | ||
| It's a wild-ass sport, though. | ||
| Did you play football ever? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I wrestled in high school. | ||
| I was little, man. | ||
| I wrestled 134 pounds. | ||
| Yeah, but you could have been a good runner back. | ||
| Fuck the fuck out of here. | ||
| There was another dude... | ||
| Well, so the fastest guys are small and just, you know... | ||
| I wasn't that fast a runner. | ||
| I was fast kicking and punching and stuff, but I wasn't really that fast a runner. | ||
| I didn't do a lot of running. | ||
| But when I was in high school, when I was wrestling, they were trying to tell me, like the coach, Coach Murphy, he was also the wrestling coach, he was also the football coach, And he's like, bro, come on. | ||
| You're a sick fuck. | ||
| You should play football. | ||
| And I was like, dude, that guy plays football. | ||
| We had our heavyweight. | ||
| His name was Bobby Baker. | ||
| He was 300 pounds. | ||
| He was enormous. | ||
| He was so big. | ||
| I was like, he's not squashing me. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| The hardest I've ever been hit was by a little dude in practice. | ||
| Probably like 5'7". | ||
| And he was a DB. And it was a practice, so I was like third string running back in there. | ||
| I was just running up the gut. | ||
| And I was falling into the end zone, right? | ||
| It was over. | ||
| And this kid, he had a running start, like 20-yard head start. | ||
| And it was like he came up from out of the ground and went, wow, and knocked me back up. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And that's the hardest I've ever been hit was by a little guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just think about a human torpedo. | |
| You're like a human torpedo with a hard helmet on. | ||
| And that's what he led with that helmet. | ||
| But you know how fast a really good athlete can run and just think of all that mass behind them and just crash! | ||
| The way those guys get hit and the amount of force behind them getting hit is probably unlike anything in sports other than a car accident, right? | ||
| Other than a NASCAR. Yeah, NASCAR, I think they should bring, they should, you know how hockey, you can still fight in hockey. | ||
| NASCAR fights? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pull out in the pit stop, let's duke it out. | ||
| Yeah, if there's a caution, everyone else is lapping, you got two guys to have a beef, pull over, get out of the car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| In the middle of the infield, we have a wrestling rink. | ||
| And it's like full on, let's go get in the rink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| We'll give you two minutes, and then if you win that match, maybe you get a little time shaving off, you know. | ||
| So there's an advantage to it. | ||
| I'd watch that more if it were like half wrestling, half wrestling. | ||
| Put the Nacho Libre mask on. | ||
| NASCAR's a weird one, right? | ||
| Because it's obviously fun to watch. | ||
| It's fun to be there. | ||
| But it's not as fun as Formula One. | ||
| You watch Formula One, you're like, well, these guys are going way faster. | ||
| Well, and those wheels. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's a whole other thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, those wheels touch. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| You're in the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| These guys' NASCAR, a lot of that happens, and it's fine. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That one wheel? | ||
| Wow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Yeah, and those guys die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I guess NASCAR guys die, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not as much anymore, but... | ||
| I mean, anybody's driving a fucking car going fast can die. | ||
| What am I saying? | ||
| But there's something about... | ||
| Have you ever seen the video between... | ||
| They show GT3 racing versus Formula 1 racing? | ||
| It's the same track. | ||
| And they show a GT3 car, like a Porsche, going around this car really fast. | ||
| And then they show the same exact path being taken by a Formula 1 car. | ||
| And you're like, Jesus. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One on the left. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Look at how much faster they are. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's the same track. | ||
| The same track. | ||
| Exact same turn. | ||
| Look how much goddamn faster they are, man. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| It's so wild. | ||
| How fast is that car going on the right? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| It seems amazing. | ||
| What a perfect line he's cutting. | ||
| See how the line, the perfect racing line is cut into the groove? | ||
| You see that darkness? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's a bunch of talented drivers. | ||
| No, thank you. | ||
| I think the fastest I've ever been is like maybe 115. You ever been on a racetrack? | ||
| I've been on a racetrack. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But not, you know, in a pace car, you know. | ||
| Oh, but a NASCAR? Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the Daytona 500 has that huge... | ||
| You know, that incline. | ||
| And just being down there and seeing that and standing there next to it like, whoa, I didn't know it was that steep. | ||
| You have to go fast to stay on it then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is pretty wild, right? | ||
| And people get hit up there. | ||
| They bump wheels up there and collide and fucking spin out on each other. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that is nuts, man. | |
| That's a serious bang. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a wall. | |
| That is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little turned to the picture, but still. | |
| What do you think that degree is? | ||
| Like, what angle? | ||
| They've told me before. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| It's probably like... | ||
| It's pretty serious, though. | ||
| 20 degrees? | ||
| 31 degrees. | ||
| 31 degrees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| That's... | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Man. | ||
| If you would be nervous if you were on a skateboard on that thing... | ||
| You have to go a certain speed just to stay up on the... | ||
| Probably, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's such an American sport, man. | ||
| NASCAR is so American because it's loud as fuck. | ||
| The cars are gross. | ||
| They're so gross looking. | ||
| They don't look anything like a real car. | ||
| Too many sponsors are all over it. | ||
| Even if you have a really nice car that's supposed to be the model that that car is, the NASCAR car looks gross. | ||
| And the decal, they make fake headlights. | ||
| It's a sticker of a headlight. | ||
| Why even put that on there? | ||
| Yeah, what are you doing? | ||
| Why are you lying to me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a fascinating piece of equipment, though, that we've decided to make these things that just drive really fast and then hurl them around this circle, this oval, over and over and over again. | ||
| It's got so high-tech. | ||
| They count the drafting of it. | ||
| They know every angle. | ||
| Back in the day, it was just a couple of good old boys with moonshot trying to outrun the cops. | ||
| Exactly, yeah. | ||
| That's what I want to see. | ||
| That was hot rod in its finest. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| That's what I want to say. | ||
| Put Mochon in them cars. | ||
| Isn't that funny that that's where it all came from? | ||
|
unidentified
|
These guys are trying to figure out how to get the fuck away from cops. | |
| Cops used to have the shittiest cars, man. | ||
| You'd think they had to chase people in Caprice Classics. | ||
| With bench seats. | ||
| That is the worst car for handling. | ||
| With dress shoes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, they make them wear those stupid shoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Give these guys some Nikes, man. | ||
| That's back in the day. | ||
| That's like the early days. | ||
| Yeah, on the beach. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Daytona was on the ocean. | ||
| Was Daytona 500 the first event? | ||
| You know, I think so. | ||
| I think, well, no, I don't know about that. | ||
| Look at these cars. | ||
| It was on the sand. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| The first Daytona was on the sand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I believe so. | |
| Wow, these are on the sand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're driving on the sand. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| They're not going as fast. | ||
| Oh, those cars are so shitty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that a convertible? | |
| That looks like a Batmobile. | ||
| They are convertibles. | ||
| They're convertibles. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's what I want to see. | ||
| I'll bring back the name Convertible and NASCAR. I want to see these dudes' faces. | ||
| I wonder why they made them in convertibles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that got the roll bar. | ||
| Yeah, but still. | ||
| I mean, I bet it gets too hot in there. | ||
| They probably didn't have air conditioning back then. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| That's probably exactly what it was. | ||
| If it's on fire, it's easier to get out when you don't have a roof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, those people probably died in those things all the time. | ||
| Those shitty cars. | ||
| Like, if you were a car racer back then, you were going to crash. | ||
| There's no way you're going to not. | ||
| You're not going to keep it together every time. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| What's the fastest you think you've been in a vehicle? | ||
| I don't want to say because we're on the end. | ||
| Well, you don't say what country it was in. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| This could be in Germany on the Autobahn. | ||
| In the 100s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| There's some... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the Chevelle? | |
| No. | ||
| No, that thing. | ||
| That would have fallen apart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Flying off the... | ||
| The newest cars, though, the problem is they're in this horsepower war where every year they have to have a faster 0-60. | ||
| And now they've gotten to the point where they're ridiculously fast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, the cars of today. | ||
| Like, if you just bought a regular car today, it'd be faster than a muscle car was in the 1970s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And you wouldn't even feel it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You wouldn't even notice it. | ||
| You couldn't even tell you're going that fast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, if you bought... | ||
| Like a Honda Accord today. | ||
| It would probably handle better and drive faster than any supercar from 1970. Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Fight a gas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't feel it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're real numb. | ||
| And way safer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's way more boring. | ||
| Have you driven a Tesla? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Just drive that. | ||
| I would love to, though. | ||
| Stupid. | ||
| Isn't electric cars zero to 60 way quicker than gas? | ||
| You wouldn't even believe it. | ||
| I mean, it's gotta be, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just instant power. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Instant power, and that one has a four-wheel drive, the Tesla Model S P100D. It's got four-wheel drive, and so it's got an engine in the front and an engine in the rear, and it flies. | ||
| It violates physics. | ||
| Do you get like a whiplash in that thing? | ||
| Like a rollercoaster, dude. | ||
| You can't believe how fast it's going. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| And they're making a stupider one. | ||
| They're making a faster one that goes 0-60 in 1.9 seconds. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Yeah, it's a Tesla Roadster. | ||
| It looks dope, too. | ||
| It looks like a spaceship. | ||
| I would love to have one. | ||
| Are you still living in LA? Where are you at now? | ||
| I moved back to Hickory, North Carolina. | ||
| Damn, what are you doing now? | ||
| I was out here 18 years. | ||
| You just couldn't do it anymore? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, it was a couple things. | ||
| My career has always been like a roller coaster. | ||
| Good years, bad years. | ||
| And I actually just miss my family. | ||
| I missed out on a lot growing up. | ||
| And the market was really good. | ||
| I had this condo in Studio City. | ||
| I bought it for a certain amount, and then it gained value. | ||
| And I thought, well, if I'm going to do this, now is the time to pull the trigger. | ||
| And I think I saw you at the improv one night. | ||
| I said, I'm out of here. | ||
| I'm bouncing. | ||
| We do the road so much, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's the thing, too. | ||
| And the industry's changed. | ||
| I already have a manager and an agent. | ||
| It's not like I need to be here for every little audition. | ||
| I'll put myself on tape. | ||
| I got Eastbound and Down on a tape. | ||
| I got Harold and Kumar on a tape. | ||
| The second audition, yeah, you fly up for it, but getting your foot in the door of that tape, anybody can do that now. | ||
| It's just changed so much. | ||
| That's if you want to act, and you do so much stand-up on the road, there's really no reason to be here unless you just want to perform at the store all the time. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I moved back to Hickory, and I was going to get myself a nice lake house in Lake Hickory. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Still want to do that, but then as soon as I get home, you know, Thanksgiving, Dad has a stroke. | ||
| So I see that happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| You ever seen someone have a stroke? | ||
| No, you were there when it happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was looking right at him, and it was weird. | |
| Because my dad's a funny guy. | ||
| I thought maybe, because we were going to eat Thanksgiving dinner late. | ||
| It was like a 6 p.m. | ||
| thing we were doing to get other people in the house. | ||
| And so he was complaining all day about not eating. | ||
| Like, I'm hungry. | ||
| When are we going to eat? | ||
| When are we going to eat? | ||
| I'm looking around at him. | ||
| He's sitting next to the fireplace. | ||
| And he's just like... | ||
| Nosedives, but just head first right onto the hardwood floor, and it was like, boom, you hear like a thump. | ||
| I was like, ah, dad's making a joke. | ||
| We haven't eaten yet. | ||
| It's, you know, he's making a thing about like a little blood sugar or something. | ||
| And I was kind of laughing, and my brother's like, no, he hit really hard. | ||
| His head hit that floor way too hard for that to be a joke. | ||
| And then you walk over to him, and Arms curling up, one eye's going like that, and it's like, this is a stroke. | ||
| And we called 911. They came pretty quick, but he suffered some serious brain damage right here. | ||
| And so he's paralyzed on his left side now. | ||
| But I was, in a weird way, happy that I was at home when this happened because How we're still out here and that shit happen, I'd be hating life. | ||
| But the fact that I'm there and able to help mom out, going through all this whole thing. | ||
| Because she's got glaucoma and she's got brittle bones. | ||
| She can't physically lift him up and do stuff. | ||
| And the fact that we were in the house and able to help... | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I didn't see the drooping of the face. | ||
| I didn't see that happen, you know. | ||
| That's what people say when you see a stroke. | ||
| You see, like, the drooping happens. | ||
| Yeah, like that fat chick in Total Recall, you know. | ||
| Two weeks! | ||
| That scene where her head explodes. | ||
| Get ready for our surprise! | ||
| I thought that was what it was, but... | ||
| No, he just hit the floor. | ||
| So have you toured at all since that, or have you just been... | ||
| Small, just places I can... | ||
| I didn't take on extra gigs, but I didn't cancel the ones I had. | ||
| So the ones that I could drive to, definitely, I was just, well, let me go... | ||
| I have a brother who's there as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| But I definitely didn't take on anything for, you know, since Thanksgiving that it wasn't already there. | ||
| So... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But he's at a skilled nursing facility now. | ||
| And they showed us the X-ray, you know, the MRI of the brain damage that happened. | ||
| He had a colloid artery. | ||
| Now he keeps getting UTI infections because he has a catheter. | ||
| Because it also, it doesn't just fuck with your muscles. | ||
| It's the organs on that side, too. | ||
| So his bladder's got to relearn how to operate. | ||
| So he's got a catheter, you know, and that just opens you up for UTI infections a lot. | ||
| And those, I don't know if you know, they're like UTI infections when you're older. | ||
| Like, it really devastates you because you hallucinate. | ||
| So you see shit. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's weird being in there and, you know, he was like, hey, make sure that bear's not out there. | ||
| Like, a bear. | ||
| Like, he keeps hearing or think there's a bear outside the window. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| I was happy to be back home for that. | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| Are there bears where you live? | ||
| No, not the skilled nursing facility. | ||
| I mean, there might be some twinks. | ||
| Yeah, no bears. | ||
| Are you allowed to say twink? | ||
| No! | ||
| I was trying to make a joke! | ||
| He used to be able to just make a joke about that. | ||
| Now it's dangerous. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, but, yeah. | ||
| Hoping for the best. | ||
| Still going through rehab, occupational therapy, physical therapy. | ||
| Do they think that he'll be able to recover some function on his left side? | ||
| I think, you know, they always want to dangle a little bit of light of hope at the end of the chart. | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| I'm panicking. | ||
| But, you know, some people recover quickly. | ||
| Some people not at all. | ||
| Some people three years later can recover. | ||
| You need a, here you go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Three years later can recover. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know, so we're just still, we're still doing all of it. | ||
| Dude, John Singleton just died from a stroke. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Do you believe that shit? | ||
| Yeah, and he was what, 51? | ||
|
unidentified
|
51. Yeah, it could happen to anybody at any age. | |
| Luke Perry, same thing, 51 stroke. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| A lot of strokes are happening. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| I wonder if those folks smoked cigarettes. | ||
| Well, my dad definitely did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They say that cigarettes contribute pretty heavily to strokes. | ||
| He used to smoke a lot when he was younger and then quit when he was in his late 40s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that was a lot. | ||
| Back then when you'd smoke at 12 years old or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A whole pack. | ||
| I don't know if Singleton smoked, but I do know Luke Perry did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and this woman that I talked to who was a neurologist was telling me that that's a significant factor. | ||
| It raises your chances of stroke pretty significantly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, I'm back in Hickory. | ||
| My idea is to come out here, you know, for pilot season. | ||
| Keep doing it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then hit the store. | ||
| I was there last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fun. | |
| Yeah, it was good seeing you, man. | ||
| Yeah, you too, man. | ||
| Doing the roast battle. | ||
| That's out of my comfort zone, too. | ||
| Oh, it's so mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| That's not me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I couldn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I know. | ||
| You're a nice guy. | ||
| But I'm like, okay. | ||
| You guys should shake hands. | ||
| I'm glad they hug at the end. | ||
| I'm glad they hug too. | ||
| Well, Brian Moses, the host of it, is awesome. | ||
| Yeah, he's good. | ||
| He's such a nice guy that when he does that show, it seems like it's okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because he's so nice and he's so funny too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like him hosting it, it makes it seem like it's okay. | ||
| And Jeff Ross being there and sort of like letting everybody know kind of what the rules kind of are, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jeff's an interesting cat, right? | ||
| He's really created... | ||
| Roasting is... | ||
| It's come back. | ||
| He's carved out that whole niche. | ||
| It's all him. | ||
| It's all him now. | ||
| But it really is. | ||
| There was so little roasting going on before Jeff Ross. | ||
| Roasting was a thing of the past. | ||
| It was an old Friars Club type deal. | ||
| Yeah, it was like old Jerry Lewis, Dean Martin, that kind of stuff, you know? | ||
| It's kind of amazing. | ||
| Those were good, too, though. | ||
| Yeah, they were great. | ||
| I like those. | ||
| Those guys are so mean to each other, but they were all friends. | ||
| And they were laughing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| While it's happening. | ||
| That's also the difference, too. | ||
| It's like those roasts, there weren't that many of them, and they were friends. | ||
| Like, legitimately friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| That's the thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They already were friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A lot of these roasts now, it's like, who am I doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Who? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm going to come out swinging? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mean. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Mean. | ||
| I feel like I've got to get to know you before I can really bust your balls. | ||
| Otherwise, I'm just being a dick. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But it is just being a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it is. | |
| But it's really clever. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Being a dick in a clever way. | ||
| I enjoy it from afar. | ||
| Yes, me too. | ||
| But I think it's a great showcase for joke writing. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really good for that. | ||
| The best ones are the quickest right to the joke. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| This guy last night had pulled out a laptop and was trying to do some voice created, like, you know, Stephen Hawking voice or something. | ||
| And I'm like, this is taking too long. | ||
| It's not working. | ||
| The next guy had like, it was like four words, pam, pam, pam. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a skill I wish I had. | ||
| See, I'm like, I get up there, I'm a goofball, I tell stories, I'm animated, I move around, but I envy those guys who can go, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. | ||
| I wish I had that skill. | ||
| You could develop that skill. | ||
| And I have gotten better at it over the years. | ||
| But you have a style. | ||
| You have your own John Reap style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And people like your style. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| They would be mad. | ||
| Like, hey man, why are you doing that? | ||
| What's this? | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| I like the guy who tells the great stories. | ||
| Is he doing an impression of a comedian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember, like, when you first started out, there was, like, a way you thought you had to be? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Did you do anything, like, cringy that you look back on now? | ||
| And you go, what was I doing back then? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I used to come out, like, I used to dance a lot. | ||
| I was the Hickory dance machine. | ||
| The Hickory Dance Machine? | ||
| I would come out dancing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And the crowd's like, okay, a lot of energy here. | ||
| What kind of music? | ||
| Whatever was popular, you know. | ||
| Something from Jock Jams Volume 2. You know, snap, I got the power. | ||
| Oh, I got the power. | ||
| It's getting kind of hectic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So I come out dancing. | ||
| I made up stupid little... | ||
| I do a shovel dance, a rake dance, a mop dance. | ||
| And then I would stop and do comedy. | ||
| And then I would get bored with myself. | ||
| And then I'd dance again in the middle. | ||
| This is what I was featuring. | ||
| And then I would dance again at the end. | ||
| Hickory Dance Machine. | ||
| My favorite one, though. | ||
| I'm actually proud of this dance. | ||
| It was any guy washing women's laundry in the 1800s dance. | ||
| It's a very specific dance. | ||
| A guy, look at you. | ||
| Oh, turn it off! | ||
| That's it! | ||
| So he smells it. | ||
| Oh, that's before the beard. | ||
| Look at those chins. | ||
| Look at that baby face. | ||
| How old were you back then? | ||
| Oh, this was a week ago, I think. | ||
| Look at you dancing. | ||
| This is like, I'm not sure how long ago. | ||
| It looks like you're in Russia. | ||
| That's in a theater right outside of Hickory, a place in Lenore. | ||
| Oh, like 700 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, out of shape right there. | ||
| Where did you first start doing stand-up? | ||
| In Raleigh, North Carolina. | ||
| Charlie Good Nights. | ||
| Charlie Good Nights. | ||
| That's a great spot. | ||
| It's one of the... | ||
| People love it. | ||
| It's like one of the best clubs on the East Coast, they used to say. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Didn't somebody buy that place? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Brad... | ||
| It was Tommy Williams Forever. | ||
| Then he sold it to Brad Reeder. | ||
| Brad Reeder sold it to the guys that own Helium. | ||
| Philadelphia and Portland, that club chain. | ||
| So now they own it. | ||
| It's just called Good Nights now. | ||
| They took the Charlie off of it. | ||
| Still a great club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Charlie Goodnight was some cowboy. | ||
| I think maybe they didn't like that. | ||
| What's wrong with Charlie? | ||
| Charlie's great. | ||
| But you've played there before. | ||
| Yeah, a bunch of times. | ||
| It's hard not to do great in that club. | ||
| And it also can kind of ruin you in a weird way if you start out at a club where everyone kills all the time. | ||
| Because you're thinking, okay, I got this. | ||
| It's been a week. | ||
| I've nailed it. | ||
| Come on, world! | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| And then you go to some other little shitty one-nighter. | ||
| It's like, no. | ||
| No, you can't dance here. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Like, what do you think made it so good? | ||
| Was it the dimensions of the room? | ||
| Was it the crowd? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because of the town? | ||
| I think it was. | ||
| The town's a cool town. | ||
| Yeah, town's great. | ||
| It's a college town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's also the capital. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you get a mix of like, you know, your politicians, your college professors, your students, and right outside of it's the rest of the world. | ||
| So it's a mix of everything. | ||
| And it's really close to campus, too. | ||
| So I don't know. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| That club was good at what they did. | ||
| You go to a one-nighter and it's a bar. | ||
| I remember the first time I did a gig outside of a comedy club where it was just a bar. | ||
| It was a pool hall that had a comedy night. | ||
| And I went there on a Wednesday. | ||
| And me and this other guy walk in. | ||
| We're the comedians. | ||
| And we're like, oh yeah, so we're here for the show. | ||
| The comedians are like, oh shit, that's tonight, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| All right. | ||
| Johnny, go get that amplifier. | ||
| So it's like there's... | ||
| I'm like, are you kidding me? | ||
| And then you have to tell people to stop playing pool so you can tell your jokes. | ||
| Right away, people hate you. | ||
| Oh, you can't get people to stop playing pool. | ||
| I'm going to go back to good nights. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So that was your first venture? | ||
| First one outside of a club was like a one-nighter pool hall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a rough first one-nighter. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Luckily, I only had to do like 10 minutes, but that 10 minutes seemed like an hour. | ||
| Charlie Goodnights also was a club that had been around for so long. | ||
| It had such a history. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there's so many comics that come through there. | ||
| Everybody came through there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody I know. | ||
| Everybody came through there. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| So the people that lived in that town, they were used to good comedy. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They got great comedy every week. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And the 80s was the heyday. | ||
| You know what else is like that? | ||
| Zany's in Nashville. | ||
| That's my favorite comedy. | ||
| That's a fucking great spot, man. | ||
| That's my favorite one. | ||
| It's a fucking great spot. | ||
| Zany's. | ||
| God. | ||
| That place is the shit. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I've been going there for years. | ||
| There's a lot of dead people on those walls. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Yeah, there is. | ||
| There's 8x10s? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's 8x10s of comics. | ||
| Many of them are dead. | ||
| There's a guy named Brian Kiley. | ||
| I know Brian Kiley. | ||
| This is a different one. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I know the one you're thinking of. | ||
| The guy from Boston. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is a different one. | ||
| Same name. | ||
| But he started in Nashville. | ||
| He's a big, big, big guy, right? | ||
| Probably weighed like 500, 600 pounds. | ||
| You know, he's a polite guy. | ||
| He said, hey, I'd love to open for you and, you know, do the road and all that stuff. | ||
| I said, sure, just show up at these gigs and you want to go up? | ||
| I'll let you out. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| And so it got to be a thing, you know. | ||
| He did a gig for me right outside my hometown. | ||
| And then that night he goes, well, I'm just going to drive back to Raleigh tonight. | ||
| It's like a three-hour drive, and he died on the way there. | ||
| Some drunk driver hit him, and he flipped his car, and he didn't have his seatbelt on because he didn't have the extender. | ||
| He couldn't physically put it on. | ||
| And so no matter how big you are, if you're flipping that car, you're going out the window. | ||
| And so it killed him, and his headshot hangs right there above that door. | ||
| And so that's one of many people on that wall that is no longer with us. | ||
| A lot of comedians are dying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When do you think that Zany's was started? | ||
| I want to say in the 70s. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| I think they started in Chicago. | ||
| Zany's Chicago. | ||
| That's the Chicago one, right? | ||
| That looks like, yeah. | ||
| That's a weird angle. | ||
| That's a lens. | ||
| That one's not as great to me because it's long and boxy. | ||
| And the further you get back to the bar area, the more chances you have to lose them back there. | ||
| Yeah, but it's still only 150 seats. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's tiny. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| But I see what you're saying. | ||
| Nashville's perfect. | ||
| You get the flanks. | ||
| It has a balcony right there at the top. | ||
| Shout out to the Dorfmans. | ||
| And everybody just has a good time at Zaney's, man. | ||
| It's a great club. | ||
| It's my favorite one. | ||
| And then the second favorite would be... | ||
| Denver. | ||
| I was bummed out when they lost. | ||
| Denver's fantastic. | ||
| But I was bummed out when they lost the punchline in Atlanta. | ||
| That was another one. | ||
| That was another one, man. | ||
| They lost that one to a parking issue. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That one, it was shaped like a barn. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It had a small balcony, but they just packed people on top of each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you didn't have room to be, you know, on your phone or talking. | ||
| It was like, you're right on top of people. | ||
| You had to walk through the crowd to get to the stage. | ||
| Unless you hung out in that one weird green room the whole time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's no bathroom. | ||
| That one weird green room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like that spot. | ||
| And then it had that sign on the back wall that said, quit trying to be Hicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there was all sorts of writing on the wall. | ||
| Which is weird in Atlanta because we're all kind of Hicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I love parks! | ||
| Boom, boom, boom. | ||
| Remember there was an upstairs area, too, where you could look down? | ||
| Like, there was limited seating. | ||
| Small little balcony where the DJ was up there or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| And you had, like, that's where their office was. | ||
| And they had, like, it's like the heckle. | ||
| Maybe, like, five people could sit up there. | ||
| I did a good practical joke at that place one time. | ||
| There's this comedian named James Sibley. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| Southern dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| We were sharing a condo somewhere, I think in Myrtle Beach. | ||
| And as a joke, I thought it'd be funny when he's leaving to put a condom wrapper in his bag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I go, ha ha! | ||
| Not tell him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're so pissed. | |
| So I did that, right? | ||
| Did this happen to you? | ||
| No. | ||
| So he goes away. | ||
| I don't see him for a year or two. | ||
| Maybe three. | ||
| He's divorced now. | ||
| Well, the first thing he did, this is Atlanta Punchline, he walked up to me, he's like, you motherfucker, you know what you did to me? | ||
| You got me divorced. | ||
| Like, it was this long thing. | ||
| I was like, dude, I am so sorry. | ||
| It was stupid. | ||
| It was just dumb. | ||
| I wasn't even planned out. | ||
| It was sitting right there. | ||
| I just threw it in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha. | |
| Maybe he'll find it as he's packing to go home. | ||
| I didn't think this out, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I felt really bad about it. | ||
| He goes, I'm going to get you back. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| And that stupid green room they have in that corner at the punchline, right? | ||
| Where you're sitting in there. | ||
| There's no access to a bathroom. | ||
| If you just poke your head out, everybody can see you. | ||
| Like, who's in there? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| So I'm sitting in there. | ||
| He goes, all right, here's what I'm going to do. | ||
| When you go on stage, because he was opening for me, I'm going to put mustard all over the doorknobs in here, okay? | ||
| And you're going to be in such a hurry to get out of there and go back to your stupid merch table that you're not even going to remember that I told you there's mustard all over this doorknob, and you're just going to grab mustard on your head. | ||
| It wasn't as good as me getting him with a condom, obviously, but he was right. | ||
| Like, I go on stage. | ||
| He told you he was going to do it. | ||
| He told me he was going to do it. | ||
| I said, uh, cat's out of the bag, James. | ||
| Not going to happen. | ||
| And of course, I grabbed it right away. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| Are you still close with him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know him? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, not as close as I can be, but we're good. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| Did you have to talk to his wife? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's got a new wife now, but not because of me. | ||
| I wonder if it was. | ||
| It was the first step. | ||
| Maybe so. | ||
| Could have been the first name. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You're welcome, new wife. | ||
| The glass is half full. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Okay? | ||
| Settle the fuck down, everybody. | ||
| Yeah, you're welcome, new wife. | ||
| Maybe that was like God's plan. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| In a weird way, I was like God. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| In a lot of ways. | ||
| What if God was one of us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is. | |
| It's me. | ||
| Isn't that a song? | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| Who sang that song? | ||
| Jane Osborne, I think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what's really funny? | ||
| Am I right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Joan Osborne. | ||
| Joan Osborne. | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| Are you not impressed with the speed of that? | ||
| That was very quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Like a DJ from the 90s. | ||
| Junk jams. | ||
| Yeah, whatever happened to that lady? | ||
| That was a good song. | ||
| Yeah, she had her nose pierced. | ||
| She had beautiful curly hair. | ||
| She just said, listen, this is not for me. | ||
| I'd rather be in a hippie commune somewhere doing yoga every day. | ||
| I wonder what she... | ||
| Maybe she is doing that. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| What, is she still out there? | ||
| She's still out there. | ||
| Still hustling? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Still out there? | |
| Still making it? | ||
| Every day I'm hustling. | ||
| Eric Ross. | ||
| I love that one. | ||
| That's on my playlist of working out when I get on the treadmill. | ||
| Every day I'm hustling? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That one gets me going. | ||
| I swear to God, it does. | ||
| Cat Williams started it, though. | ||
| When I saw Cat Williams do his bit about you could have any stupid job, and if you hear that song, you do the best you can at it. | ||
| It was a great bit. | ||
| And that's the first time I heard the song. | ||
| I go, I like that. | ||
| Yeah, I'm hustling up here on the treadmill. | ||
| Cat Williams has some all-time great bits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially the earlier stuff, all that Pimp Chronicles stuff. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He's a murderer, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Shit's fantastic. | ||
| Murdering. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| When he was coming up, right when he was starting to blow up, his stuff was so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was so good. | ||
| The way that he talks. | ||
| Excited, too, and animated. | ||
| It was really fun, man. | ||
| Fun shit. | ||
| Great comic. | ||
| So there's Rick Ross on my playlist. | ||
| And then I also do a soundtrack from Flash Gordon, Queen. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| No, that's Karate Kid. | ||
| You have that one in your soundtrack? | ||
| That was on there, too. | ||
| You're the best around. | ||
| Rocky, obviously. | ||
| I go with movies that kind of inspired me when I was a kid and get that soundtrack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see. | |
| And then I get on that elliptical machine, and now I'm doing the elliptical for the universe like Flash Gordon. | ||
| You're letting motherfuckers know. | ||
| I'm saving the planet. | ||
| Did you ever watch the old Flash Gordon from the 1950s? | ||
| No. | ||
| The first one I saw was the shitty one in the 80s. | ||
| I was on a plane, not really recently, I guess more like a couple years ago, and they had one of those video catalogs where you could just watch stuff. | ||
| I think it was an international flight. | ||
| And it had old TV shows, and it had Flash Gordon. | ||
| I watched a bunch of episodes of Flash Gordon. | ||
| It was wild, man. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It's weird to watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's weird to watch what people thought space was going to be like and aliens. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I think Flash Gordon was probably from the 50s, right? | ||
| It was a comic book, wasn't it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was originally a comic book. | ||
| See if you can pull up video of... | ||
| They need to remake that video. | ||
| I found photos of the green room in the punchline. | ||
| I was looking for that Hicks line. | ||
| Oh, we've showed that before. | ||
| I wish they would remake Flash Gordon and make it a comedy, but keep the soundtrack, because it's Queen. | ||
| Bohemian Rhapsody's huge. | ||
| Queen's huge right now. | ||
| Keep the exact same soundtrack. | ||
| Make Flash Gordon a comedy. | ||
| Jack Black, get the... | ||
| Well, you're thinking of Flash Gordon the movie now. | ||
| Yeah, the movie. | ||
| That's way, way, way, way. | ||
| There's the original Flash Gordon. | ||
| With Ming the Merciless. | ||
| Ming the Merciless. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| How weird does he look? | ||
| Look at Flash. | ||
| That's what they thought. | ||
| People were going to be wearing weird neck collars in the future and belt buckles. | ||
| It's such a strange look, man. | ||
| Just a lightning bolt on your chest? | ||
| Pull up a video of it so you can watch a video because it's so weird to watch. | ||
| What year did it say? | ||
| 56? | ||
| 54 to 55. Wow. | ||
| Ming the Merciless. | ||
| It's so... | ||
| This is where he like... | ||
| It's so shitty. | ||
| Like the special effects were so bad. | ||
| Oh, this is not even the movie, this is the... | ||
| I know. | ||
| But I mean, I'm saying. | ||
| The Claim Jumpers. | ||
| Steve Holland as Flash Gordon. | ||
| Irene Champlin. | ||
| Dale Arden. | ||
| Look, she's hot. | ||
| She's hot in a real way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was no faking it back then. | ||
| Dr. Zarkov. | ||
| So, yeah, same character. | ||
| I've not seen this, though. | ||
| So this was a whole TV show. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| How many episodes do you think they made? | ||
| If I had a guess, I bet they made 50 or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| Look at that shirt. | ||
| She is hot. | ||
| Look at that gun! | ||
| It looks like a drill! | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| She's holding a drill! | ||
| Women back then all had flat butts, unless they did gymnastics. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Unless they're some freak of nature accident. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| That is some sort of weird dildo. | ||
| That's so stupid looking. | ||
| That's a jackhammer. | ||
| You know what that looks like, Jamie? | ||
| A handheld jackhammer. | ||
| It looks like that Tim Tam, that Theragun. | ||
| That's what it looks like right there. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| This thing. | ||
| What does that do? | ||
| It's for massage. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It hurts. | |
| It hurts. | ||
| May I? Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You probably shouldn't do it right in front of the microphone like I did. | |
| It's great. | ||
| It doesn't hurt. | ||
| It's real good for loosening up muscles. | ||
| There you go, bro. | ||
| That's what they had. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Yeah, that's their weapon. | ||
| I'm going to punch you in the face real fast. | ||
| It's always weird seeing what people thought the future was going to be like once the future already hits. | ||
| Because if you think of that movie Alien... | ||
| Didn't we figure that out? | ||
| It was like 2015 or something like that. | ||
| They thought the first one was in 2000. Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like the future was 2015. Yeah, it was something along those lines. | ||
| Yeah, it is weird now. | ||
| Well, Back to the Future is classic. | ||
| Their future was... | ||
| What was it? | ||
| What was the future? | ||
| Because it happened in 1985. And they went to... | ||
| And the second one they went to the future. | ||
| But it was like 2000. It wasn't that far. | ||
| No, it was like 2015 or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| Where Biff was the billionaire now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he took that stupid sports almanac and bet on a bunch of shit. | ||
| I watched that a couple of years ago at a movie theater in Bozeman, Montana with my family. | ||
| They had like a Back to the Future night where they were playing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a great movie. | |
| You know, they play an old classic movie. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| That one holds up. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's especially cool to see an old movie in a movie theater. | ||
| Like, I know they do those sometimes at certain movie theaters. | ||
| They'll have like, they'll screen an old movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I went to the Hollywood Bowl and watched Back to the Future, and they had an orchestra playing live. | ||
| The soundtrack, you know, during the movie, as it's happening, and you kind of forget that that shit's happening right now. | ||
| Yeah, we do that every year. | ||
| We go to see The Nightmare Before Christmas. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| They do that at the Bowl? | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| You ever go to the cemetery and watch a movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Hollywood Forever? | ||
| I did a show there once, though. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, Duncan Trussell used to host a show there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Duncan! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Love him. | ||
| So what, outside? | ||
| No, inside. | ||
| There's like an inside place where you do stand-up. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It was real weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So cute. | |
| Yeah, we did stand-up. | ||
| Oh, I never did that one. | ||
| At the cemetery. | ||
| There's concerts there and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, they have that one gigantic white wall, and they just project movies, and everyone sits on the lawn. | ||
| It's like 5,000 people. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| I watched Purple Rain out there. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I watched Scream. | ||
| That was super weird. | ||
| Scream? | ||
| The horror movie? | ||
| Oh, that would be good. | ||
| That would be good. | ||
| That's actually a great move. | ||
| I was there watching Purple Rain, and Dave Chappelle was there. | ||
| They come out as a DJ. They do stuff before and after the movie. | ||
| Everyone dresses up like characters from the film. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Have you seen Purple Rain, the movie, lately? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yes and no. | ||
| Yes and no. | ||
| The acting is so bad. | ||
| I mean, great sarcastically. | ||
| But Prince, it's so funny. | ||
| There's this one, when he first makes his full face on film, right, in the movie, it takes a minute. | ||
| There's this one scene where Apollonia is walking off and he's mad and he just like whips around real fast and his hair comes and does that. | ||
| And then everybody in the cemetery was watching this in front of like 5,000 people. | ||
| Every girl's like... | ||
| Look at him! | ||
| This guy was 4'1". | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| But it was... | ||
| 80 pounds. | ||
| He kind of changed music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was a huge fan. | ||
| Yeah, I was a giant fan. | ||
| I saw this one and a theory it came out. | ||
| It was the first time that I French kissed a girl and touched a boobie was in this movie. | ||
| Well, it's also like... | ||
| Oh, and there's a lot of wife people. | ||
| He hits her in this movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a lot. | ||
| Yeah, didn't he? | ||
| He hits her in the movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he's like, oh, I want to be like my dad. | ||
| But he actually hits her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he says the F word as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I'm afraid to say anything. | ||
| I don't want to deadname anybody. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Now you know about deadnaming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You put it in my head. | ||
| I was free. | ||
| Deadnaming. | ||
| No, I'm living with deadnames. | ||
| You can get kicked off of Twitter for life, bitch. | ||
| For life. | ||
| I'm barely even on Twitter. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How come? | |
| Well, I'm on there, but I don't know if Facebook seems to be where my people are. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What people are those? | ||
| Rednecks from Hickory. | ||
| Is that more of a thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Well, I had nothing wrong with MySpace. | ||
| I was okay with MySpace. | ||
| You were on MySpace. | ||
| Hey, go back to AOL, man. | ||
| You've got mail. | ||
| Hang on, it's like this. | ||
| You've got mail. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| Listen, dude, I've got to wrap this up. | ||
| There was one before MySpace, too. | ||
| What was the one? | ||
| Friendster? | ||
| Friendster. | ||
| Friendster. | ||
| Pickrave and a couple other ones. | ||
| It was MySpace, then Facebook. | ||
| What do you think is going to be the next thing? | ||
| TikTok! | ||
| Is that a new thing that kids are doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you seen that one yet? | |
| Oh, that's like music videos, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's not going to work. | ||
| It'll work with little kids. | ||
| I'd be annoyed with the commercials for it. | ||
| Eventually people will give up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The next thing will be something in your brain. | ||
| That would be a chip that you put in there. | ||
| That's going to happen. | ||
| Yeah, it'll be an iCloud where everyone's just hanging out with each other. | ||
| Yeah, some virtual world where you're in an avatar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And you get to be a perfect person out there. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, that's going to happen. | ||
| I'll try it out. | ||
| The world we live in is very strange, John Reap. | ||
| It certainly is. | ||
| But I'm glad you're around to provide comedic entertainment, sir. | ||
| Likewise, my friend. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Where are you going to be next? | ||
| Where can people come see you? | ||
| Oh, good question. | ||
| Next, I am going to Dayton, Ohio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Funny Bone? | |
| Funny Bone. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| And then Toledo. | ||
| Perrysburg, Ohio. | ||
| Also a funny bone. | ||
| And then it's all on johnreap.com after that. | ||
| Johnreap.com! | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Thank you, brother. | ||
| Always good hanging with you, man. | ||
| Likewise, thanks, bro. | ||
| You gonna be around tonight? | ||
| You gonna come down to the store? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll see you, buddy. | |
| I'll see you at Laugh Factory on Friday night. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Peace! | |
| That was fun. |
Export Selection