Jan. 24, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:18:36
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Five, four, three, two, one. | |
| Boom. | ||
| Matt, you're the first guy to ever bring homemade cold brew to the studio. | ||
| I think we should enjoy some of this. | ||
| Okay, let's have some. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty much kerosene, so you want to sip it. | ||
| Be careful. | ||
| Yeah, I usually dilute it with a little bit of water. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I found out about this guy, this company called Tristero, or it's a guy, and he just roasts all these beans from all over the world and drops them off at this one bicycle cafe. | ||
| Do you live in Venice or something? | ||
| No, I live in Los Feliz, close second. | ||
| Cheers, buddy. | ||
| Thanks for having me. | ||
| My pleasure. | ||
| I had a coffee expert on the podcast before. | ||
| I don't know anything about coffee, just out on a whim. | ||
| I had this guy, Peter Giuliano. | ||
| That's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Giuliano or Giuliani? | |
| I'm avoiding the word Giuliani, like specifically. | ||
| I'm sure he is too. | ||
| Giuliano. | ||
| Giuliano, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But he's like a legit coffee expert. | ||
| He explained to us that all coffee comes from Ethiopia. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All of it came out of there. | ||
| That's like the root of it. | ||
| That's where it originated it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And then they started growing it in Latin American countries and all over the other place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Colombian, you know, we're always, as a kid, Colombian coffee was like the thing. | ||
| Like Juan Valdez. | ||
| Juan Valdez. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's still... | ||
| I went to Columbia over the summer, and you still see pictures and drawings of him everywhere. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because he brought kind of fame to Columbia and differentiated it from the other South American countries. | ||
| Well, this guy was really... | ||
| This is actually very good cold brew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, cool. | |
| It's very tasty. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It's a different flavor. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, cold brew coffee, you take at least 70% of the bitterness out, and it makes it smoother, and there's no acidic. | ||
| And you don't get the stomach sourness you get when you drink a big pot of hot coffee. | ||
| I usually don't get that. | ||
| I'm okay with coffee, but I do like the flavor of this. | ||
| This is really good. | ||
| So this is Ethiopian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm no expert. | ||
| I just go, what's the best one to make cold brew? | ||
| And they point at a bag and I buy it. | ||
| And that's all. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| Just defer to experts. | ||
| That's kind of the key to life, I think. | ||
| But he was Giuliani Giuliano. | ||
| Giuliano. | ||
| Juliano, sorry, Peter. | ||
| He was explaining to us that the reason why they all have these different complex flavors and how they would take care of the beans, because Ethiopia is a very dry climate, whereas South America is very hot. | ||
| So they developed all these problems with coffee rust. | ||
| Have you ever heard of coffee rust? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they developed weird molds and stuff. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| So they had to figure out different ways of processing and wet processing as opposed to just leaving them out and drying them. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Did he talk about the illegality of coffee in its kind of earlier stages when it would go out into different regions and cultures and religious areas? | ||
| Well, Bourdain actually was the first person to tell me that, that they were outlawing coffee shops and coffee houses back in the day. | ||
| There's a clip somewhere online of Bourdain explaining to us how coffee shops were being outlawed. | ||
| Because at the time, everyone basically was drunk all day. | ||
| Because all they did was drink booze. | ||
| Because a lot of times if you had water sitting around, that water would probably have some funky shit in it. | ||
| It was still water, and you'd get sick drinking it. | ||
| But if water had the alcohol in it, you wouldn't get sick. | ||
| It's a preservative. | ||
| Monks would only drink beer. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| I can't imagine if you've ever had Belgian ales. | ||
| I have three. | ||
| I'm just like, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| And you'd think those guys just pacing themselves all day to stay somewhat hydrated. | ||
| Yeah, I think they just got used to it, but it must have been terrible for their bodies. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was thinking. | ||
| I was just thinking about life expectancy and how now I feel like we're going to see people living well into their hundreds and stuff, and our generation and younger. | ||
| But back then, you're just like, you're 30? | ||
| All right, you should make a whale, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's just, if anything went wrong, you were done. | ||
| Whereas, I have a lot of friends that had their appendix taken out, or they broke a leg hiking, and they managed to get okay. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But back then, the wolves ate you. | ||
| They just leave you, so the wolves don't come after the rest of us. | ||
| You just take one for the team. | ||
| If your appendix went, you were just possessed by demons. | ||
| No one knows what the fuck happened. | ||
| Yeah, you just struck dumb and just fall down. | ||
| Just rotted out from the inside and no one knew why. | ||
| And the amount of... | ||
| I read this statistic that something like 80% of medieval land battles were fought drunk or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some insane ratio. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It would have to be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would have to shotgun a bottle of Jack to pick up a battle axe and just run into a crowd of guys and just start swinging away. | ||
| Well, the Vikings were famous for waging war while they were on mushrooms. | ||
| They would eat psilocybin mushrooms and just fucking go banana. | ||
| Maybe Amanita muscaria, too, I think was the other mushroom that they ate. | ||
| And they would just go fucking crazy with axes. | ||
| Who knows what they were seeing? | ||
| Well, it's the legend of the berserker, where we have the term berserk. | ||
| You're obviously familiar. | ||
| You're a warrior philosopher, so you know what that is. | ||
| But yeah, that's probably what you just go into a trance, and you're just killing everything in sight, and you're basically like an insect on cocaine that's just chopping everything down around you. | ||
| Yeah, you remember when we were talking about that new Viking show that's on Netflix? | ||
| We missed it. | ||
| It wasn't the comedy one. | ||
| There's another one. | ||
| There's another one that's a serious Viking show on Netflix that's supposed to be like the show Vikings, but way better, which I kind of like, the show Vikings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was good. | |
| It was good. | ||
| It's funny, though, how you don't image... | ||
| The Last Kingdom. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Last Kingdom. | |
| I heard that's amazing. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Where I'm so, you know, we focus on one thing, where it's like, you watch Vikings, you're like, where are the hats? | ||
| Where are the helmets with the horns? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what the fuck? | |
| Where are the helmets with the horns? | ||
| It's with all these braids everyone has. | ||
| These are normal people. | ||
| Head tattoos. | ||
| They should all be monsters. | ||
| But it's like, Vikings were all sizes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, they were all big. | ||
| The problem is, there's not that many giant actors, unless you want to recruit football players. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But if you go to Holland or something like that, one of the things you walk around, you go, God damn, everyone's big. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In Norway and Norwegian countries, they're very tall. | ||
| The median height is like six feet, which is insane. | ||
| Well, Iceland has a disproportionate number of strong men competition winners. | ||
| Those guys who win the strongest man in the world. | ||
| You know those dudes who throw barrels over the top? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Oh, I love it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Those guys, a lot of those guys come from Iceland. | ||
| Well, the guy who plays the mountain. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Who took the strongest man in the world title. | ||
| Yeah, he's from Iceland. | ||
| He for sure is. | ||
| He's fucking huge. | ||
| Like, if you saw that guy coming over a hill on a horse, slinging a sword, you'd be like, oh, fuck, this is the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is the day we stop existing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're done. | ||
| This is the day my clan gets wiped out. | ||
| Or that thing where to save lives, they'd be like, our champion fights your champion, and then that person wins, and then that guy comes out, and you're like, ah. | ||
| Yeah, fuck. | ||
| I was so good back in the knife gym that we train in, but this guy... | ||
| Well, that was the saddest part about Game of Thrones, the cocky bisexual guy. | ||
| He was winning! | ||
| The Red Viper. | ||
| He was ahead! | ||
| Dude, I was broken up with my now wife and was just back from a weekend on the road and was hung over and was just like, I'll watch Game of Thrones. | ||
| And I just tweeted like, I'll watch – I still have it. | ||
| Don't tell me what happens, blah, blah, blah, just to have some connection with the outside world in my one-bedroom apartment. | ||
| And people were like, don't watch it alone. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| And I watched it, and it just ruined me because it's so fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's screaming about how he raped his sister, and he's crushing his head. | |
| And I'm just like, oh, man. | ||
| The way he did it, too. | ||
| He just grabbed his head, and it killed him like you would kill a chipmunk or something. | ||
| It's like the worst death I've probably seen on screen, and I've seen a lot of bad, horrible screaming deaths. | ||
| It was worse than the guy in Saving Private Ryan, where he's like, wait, wait, wait, no, no, and the guy's just stacking the knife in. | ||
| There it is right here. | ||
| Oh, God! | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| Yeah, it's also... | ||
| Looks possible. | ||
| Yeah, well, I think it's It's something you write in a fantasy novel. | ||
| Like, I don't know how someone could have hands that strong. | ||
| Oh, he has hands that strong. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| What am I saying? | ||
| He's the strongest man in the world. | ||
| If anyone has hands that strong, it's him. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, he's going through the eyeballs. | ||
| He could pop a head. | ||
| For sure, eyeballs first. | ||
| It's a grip. | ||
| Grab your head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, don't you think you could do that to a baby? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what a thought. | |
| I mean, you couldn't, but you could physically. | ||
| Right, yes. | ||
| Yeah, you could morally and ethically. | ||
| If a demon took over my body. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Or meth. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, what did I say? | ||
| I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was telling me that her dad had been hospitalized. | ||
| And while her dad was hospitalized, he was in a care home for older people. | ||
| And a guy who was schizophrenic freaked out and tried to eat him. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| While he was there. | ||
| Yeah, and then he said, fuck this, get me out of here, and he wound up dying at home. | ||
| He wound up dying at home rather than die in the hospital because a guy tried to eat him. | ||
| Imagine, like, your last couple days of life are escaping a schizophrenic guy who got out of his room and tried to eat you. | ||
| This is why I worked so hard all my life and raised a family and now I'm here. | ||
| I mean, that's already your worst fear is to die away from your loved ones just around strangers, to be back at the first day of high school, basically, but you're old and everyone's old, but then someone's trying to kill you. | ||
| Yeah, and they eat you. | ||
| We don't get rid of people like that quick enough. | ||
| Like, you know, you get rid of bad dogs. | ||
| Dogs bite people. | ||
| You put them down. | ||
| Put them down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got to tell my mother that because she works with this group called The Village, which creates a network in any given neighborhood where if you're young or you're old, you register it and cause anything. | ||
| And basically, this person can live out their final years in their home because they have a network of neighbors who check on them. | ||
| Like every couple hours. | ||
| Or call me. | ||
| Here's my cell. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| I'm having a chest pain. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Let's just get you to the hospital. | ||
| Because it's like, I think people deserve to, you know, as long as they're not eating people and killing them, they can die in their homes, you know? | ||
| Yeah, that's a concern that you really don't ever want to address until it's too late. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The concern of when and how do I go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you have to accept that you're going to go, and some people just have a really hard time with that. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Even deep into their old age, when they're just decrepit and they can't make it anymore, they just can't handle the fact that it's all going to end. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, that's why you have to live your life to the fullest and not bite your tongue and just be yourself. | ||
| Or I guess. | ||
| Or just chill the fuck out and wait for the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What do you do? | ||
| One of the two. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, what is the life to the fullest, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If it's all temporary. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I mean, there is that point where it's just like, well, is there any point to life? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've gone back and forth with Trussell on this, where I'm just like... | ||
| Duncan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Duncan will fucking send you down a rabbit's hole with that. | ||
| Man, I don't know, man. | ||
| The Bhagavad Gita, they say that... | ||
| And he'll make some sense out of it, too. | ||
| He will! | ||
| He is the cosmic trickster, without a doubt. | ||
| I remember Bourdain, speaking of Bourdain, he was saying, they were like, how would you like to go? | ||
| And he was just like, I just want just one bullet in the back of my skull, and I don't see it coming. | ||
| Yeah, but meanwhile, he did it himself. | ||
| He did it with a rope. | ||
| Yeah, it's just... | ||
| I was friends with him. | ||
| That fucked me up. | ||
| It fucked me up. | ||
| I wasn't. | ||
| And I was a fan of his since the first article came out in The New Yorker that he wrote. | ||
| It fucks you up because you just go, I wish he called me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wish I... I mean, I would have flown to France. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| No, I wouldn't have. | ||
| I would have said, suck it up, pussy. | ||
| Don't kill yourself in France. | ||
| Come back to America. | ||
| You wish he would have checked in. | ||
| It's all about perspective. | ||
| There are times where we've all come close to not necessarily putting a gun in our mouths or a rope around our necks, but where you just feel like there's no point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, but someone can just come in. | ||
| I say, like, coming up in the crew that I came up with in Chicago, you know, Kinane and Hannibal and people like, we never let each other get away with shit. | ||
| Or it's just like, yeah, you're saying that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Like, you need those people in your life. | ||
| I'll never forget, I went through a horrible breakup, and I went, I was in my apartment for like a week, only leaving to wait tables and bartend, and then I finally came to a show, and Kinane's like, hey, look who pushed us out of all the clumps of used Kleenex to be with us. | ||
| Welcome back, you fucking pussy. | ||
| And I remember laughing so hard, and it all went away. | ||
| It all went away. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Because you take yourself so seriously, and you're just never going to get better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I just think about despair as this demon that latches onto your back and it's your job to fuck it up and get it off you. | ||
| What's your thing? | ||
| Fight the bitch in you? | ||
| Conquer your inner bitch. | ||
| Conquer your inner bitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your inner bitch is... | ||
| I usually, when I'm referring to your inner bitch, I mean the inner bitch that doesn't want you to work out. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Well, that's the one I relate to the most, where I feel that every time I'm in a class, every time I'm in something like that. | ||
| It's just like something, and you're just like, I just want to sandbag it. | ||
| Let me just sandbag it. | ||
| Just this time. | ||
| Well, I mean, everybody has that. | ||
| I still have it. | ||
| But I've got that motherfucker on lockdown now. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Now I own him. | ||
| Good. | ||
| He's in there, though. | ||
| He's weak. | ||
| He never goes away. | ||
| He's always trying to tell you you can take the day off. | ||
| Maybe your ankle's sore. | ||
| Maybe you're feeling a little sick. | ||
| You're a little run down. | ||
| You should, you know, just take a you day. | ||
| The dog looks tired. | ||
| He doesn't even want to run. | ||
| You know, it's not about you. | ||
| You should take care of that dog. | ||
| That dog does not want to run. | ||
| My dad says something brilliant on the floor. | ||
| My dad lately, he's always been a guy of no words. | ||
| You mentioned hospice living and stuff. | ||
| My dad used to do hospice. | ||
| And he was like, do I have to talk? | ||
| And the guy's like, no, they just mostly want someone to listen. | ||
| He's like, I can do that. | ||
| And so he would sit by dying people and just nod his head and stuff. | ||
| But he'd never talk about it where I'd be like, Dad, what are you doing today? | ||
| He's like, I'm going to go hang out with Bill. | ||
| Like, Dad, who the fuck is Bill? | ||
| That's this guy, he's dying. | ||
| Like, Dad, you gotta tell me more than this. | ||
| So now we're kind of, he's opening up more, but long story long, he was like, you know when you're waking up in the middle of the night and there's that voice in your head that's telling you you're useless and you haven't done enough with your life and things like that? | ||
| He's like, I don't know if there is a devil. | ||
| But if there is, that's him. | ||
| And I was like, fuck! | ||
| And it just blew my mind. | ||
| It's like, Dad, you're right. | ||
| That voice that tells you to give up, that voice that tells you not to hate yourself and don't think you're worthy. | ||
| Well, it's such a weird pattern, right? | ||
| Because it doesn't have any real evolutionary benefit. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| What is the benefit of self-loathing and just sitting around feeling pity? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there are plenty of people and situations that are going to kick the shit out of you in life anyway. | ||
| Why do it to yourself? | ||
| Yeah, but there's something good about feeling very disappointed in yourself because then it makes you work harder and recognize or at least try to realize your potential better and you get more done and you feel better about yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely something there, especially if you're in competitive sports or something like that, where there's nothing you hate more than losing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because otherwise you won't work as hard. | ||
| Yeah, but Jamie was talking about Kobe Bryant, about what a psycho he was when he was training. | ||
| And they always say that about Michael Jordan, and of course Mike Tyson was like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kobe said he learned it from Michael. | ||
| That's like what he passed on to. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| And then Kobe passed it on to LeBron. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I heard LeBron spends $1.5 million a year on recovery. | ||
| Just recovery. | ||
| Just recovery. | ||
| Just like cryotherapy, massage. | ||
| A million and a half every year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a fucking stud he is. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That guy's so badass. | ||
| He's like maximizing everything. | ||
| He's like a perfect example of someone who's maximizing. | ||
| Freak genetics, powerful will, intelligence, but then on top of that, maximizing everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Built a school. | ||
| Has a good sense of humor about himself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Decent actor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was so funny in... | ||
| Was it... | ||
| No, it wasn't Wrecked. | ||
| The Amy Schumer movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trainwreck. | |
| Trainwreck. | ||
| It was. | ||
| I was half right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you ever see that HBO show where they're sitting around with him? | ||
| Barbershop. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's fucking great in that, and you get that insight. | ||
| It's like, oh, that's why you're so good. | ||
| You're fucking crazy. | ||
| He was talking about his son playing, and he's talking about his mom, and his drive, and he doesn't let anything go. | ||
| It's fascinating to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People like that that are extreme winners, they're such a rare person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's rare that you could probably stand to be around them. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing. | ||
| Especially like your tech billionaires or stuff like that. | ||
| It's like after a while you'd be like, you know, I'm going to go to the comedy store and we're going to break each other's balls for a while because this is weird, man. | ||
| Right, like Steve Jobs, known by everyone as an extreme cunt. | ||
| He was just a cunt. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| Yeah, brutal. | ||
| Do you remember that video? | ||
| There's a video. | ||
| He's demonstrating an Apple product, and he can't get this camera to work, and he's pressing on these buttons. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| And he throws it at the engineer with his, like, pursed lips. | ||
| And he's like, here, you fix it. | ||
| See if you can get it to work. | ||
| He just wants you... | ||
| Fucking loser! | ||
| I'm in front of a million people! | ||
| Yeah, and he can't. | ||
| He can't lose his mind because it's like that Japanese ethic of the person who loses their temper first loses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No matter who's right or wrong. | ||
| Well, I'm sure he loses his temper privately. | ||
| Oh, without a doubt. | ||
| That guy's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, there he is. | |
| Watch this. | ||
| It's like he can't get it to work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My camera's not turning on. | |
| What's that? | ||
| I did slide it and let go. | ||
| Angry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not turning on. | |
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Okay. | ||
| But he's like this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking. | |
| You fucking turn it on. | ||
| He's this close to the Roman Emperor. | ||
| It's just like, seize him! | ||
| Kill him! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kill him! | |
| Throw him in the boiling pit! | ||
| You gotta think Jeff Bezos is like that too, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Has to be. | ||
| Has to be. | ||
| And... | ||
| Just to be the richest man in all of the world. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| He's not really the richest man in all the world. | ||
| He's the richest man who has a publicly declared income. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| There's a big difference between him and oligarchs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really good point. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the oligarchs, probably drug cartel. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Well, not drug cartels. | ||
| I don't think they have that kind of money, but I think for sure Saudi Arabians, princes, and Middle Eastern. | ||
| Declared income. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| They have trillions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's different. | ||
| People don't talk about that, and those guys don't talk about that either. | ||
| They let Bill Gates take the rap. | ||
| Meanwhile, they own whole countries. | ||
| It's almost like how people that I went to college with, their family, they came from money. | ||
| They never showed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, of course. | |
| They always wore bummy clothes. | ||
| But someone who was acting like they had money to have a Dunhill lighter or something, a Rolex or something fancy. | ||
| But that's those countries. | ||
| The kid with the scuffed up gym shoes that you're like, man, I know Michael Milken's your dad, dude. | ||
| I know he's your dad. | ||
| I was going to play with this kid. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I think he was kind of like... | ||
| It's got to be unnerving for him. | ||
| Yeah, he was a good guy. | ||
| I don't know how much contact he had with his dad, but it was just like... | ||
| Your dad's the junk bond king. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now is your dad the junk bond? | ||
| Your dad, the whole reason why you're getting by so smoothly and the walls are so greased for you in this life is your dad was a human scumbag. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Full on, with wealth, there's always a displacement. | ||
| Someone's rich because other people are poor on some level, but that was the most direct correlation. | ||
| But is that always the case? | ||
| Like, how about this? | ||
| Like, Beyonce. | ||
| Is Beyonce really... | ||
| Is Beyonce rich because someone's poor, or is Beyonce rich because she's talented and she worked hard? | ||
| No, listen, don't get me wrong. | ||
| I don't think it's across the board like that, but I just think in terms of- In a lot of ways. | ||
| In a lot of ways, yeah. | ||
| No way, not every time. | ||
| Right, but people love to say that. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You know, like, are you sure? | ||
| Okay, did Jennifer Lawrence fuck a bunch of people over, or is she just really good at acting? | ||
| Yeah, she's amazing! | ||
| Yeah, are you sure that disparity of wealth is because someone's out there being evil, or is she just really good? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the thing that gets me is that they always dump on those people, the public figures, the people like sports, especially biggest example are like sports figures where like, I mean, should he get that much for a fight? | ||
| It's like, do people want to watch you fight? | ||
| Should you get that much? | ||
| Who should get that money? | ||
| Canelo Alvarez? | ||
| I'll fight him. | ||
| I'll get knocked out for a million dollars. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| People would say that, oh, I'd fucking get punched by Mike Tyson for a million dollars. | ||
| First of all, you'd have to get enough people that want to pay to see you get knocked out to make it worth a million dollars. | ||
| To see you lose your life, quite frankly. | ||
| Richard Lewis had that joke about his uncle, I remember when I was a kid, and I was watching on TV and laughing until I cried, where he said, oh yeah, I think it was Tyson actually. | ||
| He was like, yeah, I'd fight him for a million. | ||
| He was like, yeah, anyone would pay $300 a seat at Madison Square Garden to see an old Jewish guy get punched once in the face and cry. | ||
| I laughed because it was so specific. | ||
| You wouldn't even be crying. | ||
| You'd be drooling. | ||
| You wouldn't be able to see straight anymore. | ||
| Your fucking skull would be broken. | ||
| They'd have to bolt it back together again. | ||
| You'd have to have everyone I love hostage in a warehouse to let him punch me once. | ||
| Dude, when he was here the other day, I've met him before. | ||
| I met him once before, took a picture with him. | ||
| But every time you meet him, you're like, yeah, okay, this is really Mike Tyson. | ||
| He's really here. | ||
| And I'm shaking hands on him. | ||
| He gives me a hug. | ||
| He's like hugging a tree. | ||
| He's like hugging an oak tree. | ||
| It's just like thunk. | ||
| He's just this beast of a man. | ||
| Well, I remember watching those first fights. | ||
| It was like watching you put a dog in a ring with a wolf. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| It was just like, he would just run right through everybody to the point where you're like, oh, he's not from here. | ||
| You know, kind of like those comic books where aliens, like, they're on a planet that has way more gravity or something, so they just punch their fist right through your chest. | ||
| Superman! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that was a Superman premise, right? | ||
| That was Superman, uh-huh. | ||
| But if that happened, what's fucked up about that? | ||
| Like, scientists must get crazy about that, because if that happened, you would be, like, really sick. | ||
| Like, when people go to space, and they're in space for six months, like, their body breaks down. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you lose, like, years from your life. | ||
| Yeah, you get really fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not good. | |
| I had Commander Chris Hadfield on the podcast back in the day. | ||
| And he said that when he came back, he literally couldn't stand. | ||
| His equilibrium was so fucked up because he had been in space for six months. | ||
| Then when he came back, it was horrible. | ||
| He was throwing up. | ||
| He couldn't see straight. | ||
| When he would stand, the world was all wobbly and shit. | ||
| His equilibrium was completely gone. | ||
| I mean, I think, you know, superhero movies are kind of fundamentally ridiculous and silly. | ||
| I love comics. | ||
| I grew up on them and stuff. | ||
| But they never take physics into account. | ||
| It's always like you get hit with a gamma ray. | ||
| You get powers. | ||
| It's like, why would it choose to give you powers? | ||
| It would just melt you. | ||
| Like, that's not how forces in the universe work. | ||
| They don't, you know, generally speaking, mystically, you know. | ||
| No one ever gets enhanced in real life by, like, nuclear radiation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I don't think that's ever happened. | ||
| The best theory would probably be Godzilla, like some monster was born of it that came out of the ocean. | ||
| Well, there was a time where Vice went to Chernobyl, and this was back when Vice was really Vice, when Shane Smith was going on all these journeys and shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was nuts. | ||
| Yeah, before Vice is sort of... | ||
| I mean, Vice still does some great stuff, but Vice is just this huge multimedia corporation now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And back then, Shane went to Chernobyl, and they were hunting these radioactive wolves. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| These radioactive wolves in Chernobyl. | ||
| And like, you know, they're mutating. | ||
| There's fish in the water that are enormous, and they're fucking weird. | ||
| Yeah, and you can never eat them. | ||
| They're like the fish near the plant in Simpsons, like with three eyes. | ||
| Right, right, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's real. | ||
| Like, they really do have these animals that live in this highly radiated area, and they've managed to survive. | ||
| I just... | ||
| I mean... | ||
| The levels that we have taken to get energy and affected our environment. | ||
| You ever drive to San Diego? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You know that ride when you drive down and you look to the right-hand side? | ||
| Oh, look, a nuclear power plant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I could throw a rock and hit it from the highway. | ||
| Like, what in the fuck is that doing there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So close to the water. | ||
| Well, I think it needs to be close to the water for cooling. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's how they cool the reactor core. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I think. | ||
| Notice I said that like I know what I'm talking about. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, there's a nuclear physicist right now going, nope. | ||
| Well, that was the Fukushima thing. | ||
| You know, that's what's happening over there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They still don't have that thing under wraps. | ||
| Well, and that volunteer army of Japanese people older than 70 that were like, I don't have long. | ||
| I'll go work there. | ||
| I'll go clean it up. | ||
| They're all going back in time. | ||
| They're all 30 now. | ||
| You go there, it's like a Stephen King movie. | ||
| That'd be amazing. | ||
| I knew Twilight Zone. | ||
| Everyone's 30 years old, but they don't want to tell anybody. | ||
| It got decommissioned. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| That one on the way to San Diego? | ||
| Yeah, probably broke. | ||
| Probably everybody around is dead. | ||
| Yeah, because everyone was throwing rocks. | ||
| Sons of bitches. | ||
| Yeah, but maybe they woke up in like 1980 and they go, hey guys, maybe this isn't a good place for a fucking nuclear power plant. | ||
| The steam generators failed in 2013. Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| The steam generators. | ||
| There it goes. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here with that. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Meanwhile, that's still there. | ||
| The core is still there. | ||
| They can't move it. | ||
| It's currently in preparation to be decommissioned. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| However long that takes. | ||
| Whatever even that means, man. | ||
| Yeah, go fishing around that fucking thing. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| You'll catch some big fish, though. | ||
| They'll be weird. | ||
| They'll have human hands. | ||
| They'll talk to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't eat me. | |
| What? | ||
| But they talk with thoughts. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| They just stare at you and enter your mind. | ||
| Fukushima, they were doing something where they dug this giant swimming pool and all around this giant swimming pool that they dug, they put like ice cores. | ||
| They put like some sort of cooling element so they could freeze all the nuclear waste to an insanely cold temperature. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| But it didn't work. | ||
| This is like a strategy that they were developing, but apparently it fell apart. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| It's just, you just don't, you can't do anything. | ||
| They gotta do something. | ||
| They gotta keep trying. | ||
| Shoot it into space? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Then the aliens are gonna get mad at us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're already—do you know, like, I had a friend who I used to live with who was kind of new-agey but also conspiracy theory-ish, and he was convinced that our planet was the off-limits zone for the entire universe, where every other planet was much more advanced, and they were just like, don't go down there. | ||
| All they do is fight and blow things up, and they don't share with each other and stuff. | ||
| They just don't. | ||
| That's why no aliens come. | ||
| All that, when people do stuff like that, I always feel like they're anthropomorphizing. | ||
| Like the idea that their life would be anything like our life. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's a bunch of characteristics. | ||
| I couldn't agree with you more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a bunch of things that have to be in place for us to get to the point where we're going to war with each other, people that are over there. | ||
|
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|
Right. | |
| There's no war in the ocean. | ||
| Ever notice that? | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, there's no ocean wars. | ||
| Yeah, they don't have, and they're, you know... | ||
| They just eat each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is normal. | ||
| There's parts of the ocean we can't reach. | ||
| And who knows if there's a whole other civilization down there. | ||
| That's why we really bond with mammals only. | ||
| Because fish don't do a goddamn thing for their kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those dirty fucks. | ||
| Because they don't really have them. | ||
| Like, it's a trick. | ||
| It's like nature's tricked them to not being attached to the kids. | ||
| They blast some eggs down on the bottom of the floor, and then the males come along and jizz on the eggs. | ||
| They're like, I'm done here. | ||
| And they get out of there, and they jet. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And they leave, like, millions of kids. | ||
| Yeah, the only ones that take care of them, there's a few female fish that keep the babies in their mouth. | ||
| You ever seen those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they let them go. | ||
| Like when the babies are in trouble, they hold them in their mouth and they're like, everybody gone? | ||
| Good. | ||
| And they open up and the babies get to swim around again. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Once you can't fit in mom's mouth, you're fucked. | ||
| There's a bumper sticker for you. | ||
| But things that live in the ocean that we do love, like dolphins, take care of their young. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Killer whales, take care of their young. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Weird, right? | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| If you don't take care of your young, you can fuck yourself. | ||
| It's kind of a mammalian trait. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But like you were saying, you can't... | ||
| We always try to create, like on other planets, is how... | ||
| Is this it? | ||
|
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|
Is this the one? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I love how you found that right away. | ||
| That is amazing. | ||
| That one is on the outside. | ||
| That one's like, Mom! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Yeah, last door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| What kind of fish is that? | ||
| Doesn't say? | ||
| Wow, that's amazing. | ||
| It's like it's smoking fish. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, like it's a hookah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like it's Snoop Dogg blowing out weed smoke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a big-ass fish, too. | |
| It looks like a grouper or something. | ||
| It looks like something in the bass family. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's gorgeous fish. | ||
| You mentioned the thing with feet, and I was watching Blue Planet 2 the other day, and it's not a fish. | ||
| Apparently, it's called like a toad of some kind, but it hangs out on the bottom, and it has feet. | ||
| It looks like a fish that grew feet. | ||
| It walks around? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not a fish? | ||
| I don't believe so. | ||
| It's actually some sort of toad, I think, technically. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| But, yeah. | ||
| And they look like human feet, almost. | ||
| It has toes and everything. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Well, one of the weirdest things that I ever saw about the ocean was there was a theory that was going around a few years ago that... | ||
| I don't know if this is legit or not. | ||
| Google this. | ||
| They think that it's entirely possible that octopus, octopi, may have come from eggs that were frozen and landed here from an asteroid. | ||
| There was speculation that there was something about the way... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, the way that they... | ||
| You know, the DNA and RNA of octopus are so different than every other animal in the fossil record. | ||
| That there was a consideration that they might have actually been an alien species. | ||
| Because you know what panspermia means? | ||
| Panspermia is a theory that is pretty widely accepted in the scientific community that some life is transferred through asteroidal collisions. | ||
| So, like, say if a chunk of rock slams into our planet and knocks a chunk of rock loose, and that chunk has DNA on it, and amino acids, and all the building blocks for life, bacteria, whatever it is. | ||
| Some things, you know, little things can survive in space, like tardigrades, little life forms can survive in space, that they slam into a planet eventually, and then when they do, that life is transferred onto that planet. | ||
| Science news, octopuses came to Earth from space as frozen eggs millions of years ago. | ||
| Okay, but this is like the express. | ||
| I read it a little bit. | ||
| But that's the most feasible version of aliens coming here. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We tend to think of it as it lands and like a spaceman who looks like George Clooney steps out, but he has like an antennae or something. | ||
| It's like, hi, I'm here to share with our planet Altoona or whatever. | ||
| And he speaks English and all this shit. | ||
| Like it's on a biological level that we almost can't comprehend. | ||
| Go back to that, James, please. | ||
| Look at what it says. | ||
| The extraordinary claims made in a report entitled The Case of Cambrian Explosion, Terrestrial or Cosmic, which co-authored by a group of 33 scientists and published in the Progress in Biophysics and Molecular Biology journal. | ||
| And the paper suggests that the explanation for the sudden flourishing of life during the Cambrian era, often referred to as the Cambrian explosion, lies in the stars as a result of Earth being bombarded by clouds of organic molecules. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I think that's also the theory of how water got on Earth. | ||
| They came from? | ||
| I think it came from comets. | ||
| Because when you see comets, comets are all water. | ||
| And I think millions of years of us getting hammered by comets. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| You know when you see the trails of comets? | ||
| That's literally ice and debris coming off of that comet. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Literally the more you know. | ||
| The more you know. | ||
| Comet! | ||
| But they think that about mushrooms as well. | ||
| They think that spores can survive in a vacuum. | ||
| So if something, like say if some spores were attached to a rover and we shot it off to the moon or something like that, and it got there somehow or another, if there was the right conditions for that thing to grow, that they could actually survive the trip. | ||
| And then grow on the moon or on Mars or anywhere where there would be water and sunlight and atmosphere. | ||
| Like invasion of the body snatchers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, spores are even weirder, right? | ||
| Because spores create mushrooms and mushrooms actually breathe oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide. | ||
| They say they're closer to an animal than they are to vegetables. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've thought about that when I've eaten magic mushrooms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Where it's like, I basically just ate an animal. | ||
| Well, you also feel like it's alive inside of you, communicating with you. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Don't you feel like that? | ||
| It's not as simple as I'm getting high. | ||
| When I smoke weed, I feel like I'm getting high. | ||
| When I eat mushrooms, I feel like I'm entering into the thought process of an alien creature. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You put on a space suit on the inside, in a way. | ||
| And you're evolving a certain way, if only for seven or eight hours or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you have a microdose? | ||
| No. | ||
| I have friends that do. | ||
| Ron White's big into that. | ||
| Oh, is he? | ||
| Every day. | ||
| I found myself a good kind of medicine. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Ron White kills me, man. | ||
| You just picked the most random name you could have, but I'm just like, that makes perfect sense. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's a real comedian in that he's always a mess. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| He's always hilarious. | ||
| His relationships are always full chaos. | ||
| Full chaos. | ||
| He's always drunk. | ||
| He's always a peach. | ||
| He's always the nicest guy. | ||
| The nicest guy. | ||
| He's never had any attitude with any comedian ever. | ||
| He's like America's wisecrack and drunk uncle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But not racist. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I love that guy. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| It was almost like there are certain mystical gateways and signs you see that are like, oh, hey, things are going to be okay. | ||
| I saw the magic monkey in the tree. | ||
| I landed in Las Vegas with my wife, and she loves Vegas, and we went to the cab line, and just standing there is Ron White smoking a cigar, as if the city put him there. | ||
| Like he's waiting for a limo, but he was just there. | ||
| To greet people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which they should, you know. | ||
| They should just make a Ron White hologram as you drive into the city. | ||
| He's there all the time. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| He's there all the time during the rodeo. | ||
| If you're in town for the rodeo, Ron White's at the Mirage. | ||
| That's usually my wife's birthday's in early December, and that's always when the rodeo is. | ||
| Yeah, well, that club's awesome. | ||
| Do you work the Mirage? | ||
| Do you ever go there? | ||
| I opened for Tosh there. | ||
| Yeah, the Terry Fedor Theater. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's a badass place. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It's like a perfect size theater for comedy. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a thousand seats, not too big, but it's all right in front of you. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I used to work the place where they do the Ka Theater, where they do the Cirque du Soleil. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But it's too cavernous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It actually cost me money to work at the Mirage, and I'd rather do that, because then it's fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The other one was just too big. | ||
| That's what people don't think about in terms of... | ||
| I think we only think about that, comedians and promoters. | ||
| Like the architecture of a good comedy room. | ||
| Generally speaking, comedy clubs, lower ceiling. | ||
| Yeah, like the OR. The OR at the comedy store. | ||
| Yeah, it's perfect. | ||
| Do you ever do comedy works in Denver? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Flawless. | ||
| Flawless. | ||
| They nailed it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| La Jolla Comedy Store. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Flawless. | ||
| Acme in Minneapolis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Well, Acme's got a few pillars that are a little annoying. | ||
| That's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| It's a huge building. | ||
| But the ceiling height is just right. | ||
| They got wide-ass pillars. | ||
| You're like, what if I'm sitting right here? | ||
| I gotta do this to watch the show? | ||
| I gotta lean left? | ||
| You worry about who's behind it. | ||
| It's like doing comedy in the round. | ||
| I'm always like, I feel like I have to keep spinning, you know, to give everyone a show. | ||
| I've only done that a couple times, and it always feels weird. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I need people in front of me. | ||
| Yeah, it's awkward. | ||
| There's a good theater in Phoenix, though. | ||
| The Hollywood Theater, they do that in the round. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Louis did one of his specials there, one of his HBO specials. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I remember that one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy, because that's huge theater in the round. | ||
| It's not that big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I think it's 2,900. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't even think it's that big. | ||
| It might not even be 2,900. | ||
| Maybe 2,700? | ||
| Find out, young Jamie. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong. | ||
| But I know Sebastian, I think he did Theater in the Round in Madison Square Garden. | ||
| God bless that dude. | ||
| That's 18,000. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Four shows. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Ugh, so good. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom. | ||
| He's one of those guys that, like, back when no one knew who he was, you know, three years ago or so, like, I would make a point to stick around and watch him at the store, because he's so fun to watch. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's another guy, like, no one begrudges. | ||
| If you begrudge Sebastian, his success, you're probably a shithead. | ||
| Well, and you probably don't like fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I have such a blast watching him because he's like a silly ballet dancer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Making up all these stories through his facial expressions and his physical comedy is just par excellence. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Yeah, and he's always annoyed. | ||
| Everything is annoying to him. | ||
| That's his whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Everything around him just pisses him off. | ||
| Yeah, if he ever achieved peace, like peace of mind, it would be terrible for his act. | ||
| It would be awful for his act. | ||
| Like, what would you do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I used to legit think about that when I was starting out, when I was starting to do comedy. | ||
| Like, I wanted to meditate and to try to do these different things, but I thought, that's got to be bad for your act. | ||
| I should probably not do these things. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know, like, I remember guys saying like, oh, don't be healthy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's bad for your act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You want to feel like shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only time you feel good is when you're drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's it. | ||
| You want to be depressed. | ||
| You want to be angry and lonely. | ||
| Smoke cigarettes. | ||
| Desperately need their attention on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the only place you live. | ||
| We're all fucked anyway. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Some of my favorite acts were really depressed. | ||
| Richard Jenner is one of my all-time favorite acts. | ||
| He was super depressed. | ||
| He wound up killing himself. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It was maddening when I heard the news because he was one of those go-tos that I could just... | ||
| I get fed up with comedians that aren't fans anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, me too. | |
| I'm a guy in Chicago who... | ||
| You ever have those people you start out around and you just look at them and you never say it, but you're like, I never want to be you, man. | ||
| Never. | ||
| And he would be the back and just go, ha! | ||
| Funny. | ||
| Like, is it? | ||
| Because you didn't laugh. | ||
| You made a noise like laughter, but you see everything as a competition. | ||
| So it's like, I love watching good comics, whoever they are. | ||
| And like, Richard Jenny was one of those guys that's just like, this guy's an ace. | ||
| You're like Brian Regan. | ||
| It's like, I'm never not going to laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's such a sweetheart, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've talked about this on the podcast, and I think what that came from was there was a famine mentality that existed in the 80s and the 90s, because the only way you could become successful is if you got on The Tonight Show, and there was only one slot a night, and there's only five nights a week, and then they don't always have comics on either. | ||
| And then the only other way you could get successful is if you got a sitcom. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or you got an HBO special, which only famous people got. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| That was the highest echelon. | ||
| You had to be Seinfeld or Kinison or someone big to get an HBO special. | ||
| So for a regular schmo like you or I, back then it was like, what do you do? | ||
| How do you make it? | ||
| So everybody was dog-eat-dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was all... | ||
| And I think somewhere along the early to mid-2000s, that shifted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it shifted because of the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's true, isn't it? | ||
| It is. | ||
| It is the internet. | ||
| I kind of thought of it as an organic thing from, you know, because the comedy boom happened because disco died and you could basically fill a huge room with just a spotlight and a mic and one dude, you know? | ||
| And these guys still had that space and they were just raking in hand over fist because people just, they didn't want to disco dance anymore and it just died a horrible death. | ||
| It was too much... | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| Cocaine and everyone did disco. | ||
| Kenny Rogers did a disco song. | ||
| Kiss did a disco song. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| So I thought it was because that kind of faded out, we kind of just came to our senses as audience members and comedians. | ||
| But you're right, it is the internet. | ||
| That's what changed it. | ||
| Well, the internet came along and comics started promoting themselves. | ||
| Someone who really deserves a lot of credit is Dane Cook. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Dane Cook was the first guy to really become famous through the internet. | ||
| And then everyone, including me, started paying attention going, oh, this is another way. | ||
| Even though there is the regular way of television shows and movies and all that stuff, there's this way too. | ||
| And this way just made at the time, he was the biggest selling comedian of all time. | ||
| Yeah, he spent like 20 grand on a website, which to me at the time, I was like, who has that kind of money? | ||
| And why? | ||
| Buy a car! | ||
| But he was the smart one. | ||
| He also spent all day responding to people online. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| And then built up this reputation for doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then promoted the shit out of himself through MySpace and all these different ways that he promoted the shows. | ||
| And it became gigantic. | ||
| And then everyone else around 2003 or 2004, that's when we all started to jump in. | ||
| And comics had MySpace accounts and comics had Facebook pages. | ||
| And I had a website in the 90s. | ||
| I had a website way back in the 90s. | ||
| But I basically just wrote blogs on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And had a message board and fucked around on the message board. | ||
| But what he did was use it as a business vehicle, like a way to actively promote himself. | ||
| So then somewhere in the mid-2000s, comics started doing internet things, like little internet shows, like Crackle was a thing, and they were doing little online things, and then people were working with each other more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So instead of comics being like competition, there was camaraderie. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| We were doing each other's stuff. | ||
| And then podcasting took it over the top. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Once that happened, then everybody realized, oh, you can really help each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you don't have to use – I feel like in between there, one thing you left out was the amount of – the rise of what you call the internet comedian, which – where they just kind of would make blogs and they had people that would edit them so they would be funny. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You and I have come up over 20-odd years doing stand-up where you learn timing, you learn how to read an audience, the ebb and the flow, your brainwaves, and how to pick when to say something and how, because timing is everything. | ||
| With an internet video, you can have an editor just go, nope, here, here, here, here, he should have said that faster. | ||
| And it's this thing that kind of vaunted these kids into YouTube millionaires, if they were lucky, But sometimes they'd go on the road and people were like, what's going on? | ||
| Every single time they'd eat plates of shit. | ||
| That's like learning karate in your basement, practicing in the mirror, and then going to fight in a tournament. | ||
| It's like those guys, I saw that thing you put up online of those tutorials, horrible tutorials. | ||
| Oh, fake martial arts? | ||
| Come at me. | ||
| Slap, slap, slap. | ||
| It's like that guy entering the square circle with someone who knows what he's doing. | ||
| Are they still doing that style of video where they edit constantly and make those YouTube videos where it's constant edit, edit, edit, edit, where they cut out all the pauses? | ||
| Is that still a thing? | ||
| I mean, there's all sorts of styles on YouTube. | ||
| I could find you a hundred videos of that. | ||
| Remember when that was like the primary way these people were doing these blogs? | ||
| Everybody had... | ||
| It was like... | ||
| Everything was edited. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it would cut to, it's almost like watching Family Guy, where, you know, Peter would be like, that's the time I was into disco, and it cuts to him, and he's like jacking off on a disco floor, then cuts back. | ||
| You know, it was like that, because you could just do that. | ||
| We have to say it on stage. | ||
| We have to have a segue, and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| We can't just hit a click, and you cut to me beating off, and then back to me in the audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've watched a couple people recently try to transfer that, doing stuff in front of a microphone, in front of a video camera, to going on stage for the first time. | ||
| I've watched that. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| It's terrifying, and it kind of breaks the covenant of an audience, because anytime I have an opener who's like, they're like, I'm actually fucking nervous and blah, blah, blah, you know, do you Do you still get nervous? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I'd be a sociopath if I didn't get nervous almost every time. | ||
| But you fight through it and it's fine. | ||
| But I always tell them, look, man, the audience is rooting for you. | ||
| They want you to do good. | ||
| That's the thing that people forget. | ||
| They think every time you're on the road it's an away game. | ||
| Unless you're a hot girl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the hardest road for stand-up is a hot girl. | ||
| Yeah, it's tough. | ||
| Hot girl with, like, showing some cleavage with a skirt. | ||
| Good fucking luck. | ||
| Yeah, because guys just don't take them seriously. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Yeah, guys are going to be like, what, you're funny too? | ||
| I'm funnier than you, and I can fuck you. | ||
| Hold on, yeah. | ||
| If I could fuck you, maybe I'd like you better. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a perfect male privilege. | ||
| Like, that's not what I want from you. | ||
| I want sex. | ||
| Well, that's a weird look, too. | ||
| Like a girl with long legs and a miniskirt and high heels on stage telling jokes. | ||
| It is strange. | ||
| That doesn't work. | ||
| Well, your overly attractive comedian, male or female, has always been a little weird to me. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There are people that are undeniable, and I'm like, all right. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| But it's like, part of me kind of... | ||
| A little too handsome there, fella. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little too... | |
| There was a guy who... | ||
| When Kyle and I moved to LA and we were roommates, there was a guy that had a show and he was a comedian and a physical trainer. | ||
| And he sent... | ||
| He emailed both of us. | ||
| We were like, hey, can we get booked on your show? | ||
| And he emailed both of us... | ||
| He must have taken every email in his book and just sent it out. | ||
| A blast. | ||
| If you need to get fit. | ||
| And the picture was a picture of him shirtless under a waterfall. | ||
| Like someone's coming at him. | ||
| And I was like, fuck this guy. | ||
| And as I say, fuck this guy, Kyle in all caps goes, take me off your list and just sends it. | ||
| That's all he said. | ||
| Because I was like... | ||
| Is that a waterfall? | ||
| This look in a waterfall. | ||
| I'm so in touch with nature. | ||
| Sometimes I go backpacking by myself. | ||
| My favorite, or probably one of my top five onion headlines was the trucker guy that's like, why do those homosexuals keep sucking my cock? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you read the article, one of them, the second paragraph was, I'm just hanging out with a bro under a waterfall. | ||
| We're enjoying the day. | ||
| All of a sudden, he's sucking my cock. | ||
| Like, what the hell, man? | ||
| Hey, bro! | ||
| Under a waterfall. | ||
| Not cool. | ||
| I'll think of that every time. | ||
| Yeah, men under waterfalls with their head back, like, especially if they have long hair, they're, like, flowing through their locks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they tighten up their abs. | ||
| You can see their abs real good. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, did you take it? | ||
| Did you take it? | ||
| I'm flexing my core as hard as I can. | ||
| Let me know when you're done. | ||
| Super spiritual. | ||
| Oh, gut comes out. | ||
| Basically plant-based. | ||
| Super spiritual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Out here. | |
| There was a thing. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| That guy's taking it in the mouth, though. | ||
| That's like a kid in Thailand. | ||
| That's like an elephant coming on that dude. | ||
| You want like the muscular white dude? | ||
| See, that's more like it. | ||
| Handsome man feeling good. | ||
| Look at a girl. | ||
| But it doesn't bother me at all when a girl's doing it. | ||
| Get that girl back. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Here you go, girl. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| Live your best life. | ||
| Under that waterfall. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all. | ||
| I see a girl under a waterfall with her hair back like that, not even a tinge of disgust. | ||
| See, I don't even mind the guy under the water. | ||
| Like, that guy's just having fun. | ||
| That guy's not going, wait, what are you doing? | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| Come back. | ||
| Check out my abs. | ||
| Like the one below it with his arms down, right below there, Jamie, on the bottom row. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy looks like he's having a good time. | ||
| Yeah, that's a fun dude. | ||
| Fucking party, bro. | ||
| He's super high. | ||
| Why the world needs happy men. | ||
| That's the... | ||
| What kind of fucking article is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean... | |
| Who wrote that? | ||
| Some depressed dude right about to shoot himself. | ||
| He's got a gun sitting on the desk right next to the laptop. | ||
| He's like, why the world needs happy men. | ||
| I'm trying to think who would write. | ||
| It's like, yeah, well, of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that guy. | |
| That dude's rad. | ||
| Yeah, fat. | ||
| Burt wishes he was that skinny. | ||
| That is a dangerous amount of belly. | ||
| Bert fucking loses all this weight every year. | ||
| We do this weight loss thing. | ||
| I follow along. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| Last year with the hot yoga. | ||
| And he fucking gains it all back every year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every year he gains it back. | ||
| I saw him at SoulCycle with his wife. | ||
| Fat as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he just... | ||
| I mean, that's... | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| He keeps telling me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes... | |
| He sent out a mass text to us the other day. | ||
| There's a group on my phone called the Sober October group. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| It is one of the best text message threads ever. | ||
| It's ruthless. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's Segura, Ari, me, and Bert. | ||
| And look at him. | ||
| Something's burning with Bert Kreischer. | ||
| That burn is not calories. | ||
| That's what's not burning. | ||
| No. | ||
| But he sent out this message the other day like, I miss the heart rate monitors. | ||
| Oh, I'm drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Watching Save It Private Ryan. | ||
| So sensitive. | ||
| What the fuck am I doing, man? | ||
| You guys talking without me? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Yeah, he's like this. | ||
| What's going on over there? | ||
| Hey, guys. | ||
| God, I miss you guys. | ||
| I love Bert, man. | ||
| He goes out. | ||
| He'll do a comedy club and then go out and tell everyone where he's going to drink. | ||
| And then he meets them at the bar, takes his shirt off in Ottawa. | ||
| It's like 150 degrees below zero. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He drinks with them all and then leaves. | ||
| He's like, I love you, I love you, I love you. | ||
| And then he gets in his tour bus. | ||
| I mean, I don't go to the second location. | ||
| You know, I'll hang out at the club a little bit and take pictures of stuff with people and have a beer, but people are like, hey, you should go to our bar! | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I'm not going. | ||
| I've done it in the past. | ||
| I used to do it in the past, but after a while it becomes untenable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you can't. | ||
| Because you're playing like 5,000, 10,000 seaters now. | ||
| Yeah, that's a lot of pictures. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| I watch Joe Coy hanging out where I'm like, they're going to kill him! | ||
| Like, they're gonna tear his clothes off like Elvis used to almost get shredded by female nails. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, there's so many people trying to get a selfie with him, and he just played a stadium, and he's just outside. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just like, dude, just, Joe, just careful. | ||
| Security? | ||
| Yeah, he's got some people with him, for sure, but... | ||
| Tasers and whips and shit? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Different. | ||
| There's like a lady taser. | ||
| It's not as strong. | ||
| There's like a dude taser for the various kinds of fans. | ||
| Yeah, you got to be careful. | ||
| But God bless him. | ||
| I mean, that's kind of how he got that big. | ||
| The thing about Burt's fans, though, is that Burt's fans are all drunk, too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So they're probably not even going to know what to do or they don't remember. | ||
| And if they were going to kidnap him, they give it up when they meet him. | ||
| Yeah, the next day they check their phone like, oh, that selfie's all blurry and shit. | ||
| Like, yeah, well, your hand was shaking from the DTs while you tried to take it. | ||
| Bert, you think you can come back to town just real quick? | ||
| Give me a selfie. | ||
| Give me a selfie? | ||
| Come on, Bert. | ||
| Trying to dress up my Facebook, Bert. | ||
| My wife's not talking to me, Bert, and your joke's the only thing keeping me going. | ||
| The heart's not too strong these days. | ||
| The doc doesn't say I have long, so you can come around. | ||
| Plus, I'm writing this article for Vox about why the world needs happy men. | ||
| I got three bullets in the chamber. | ||
| I'm just sparing it. | ||
| Once every six hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Russian roulette's one bullet. | ||
| Not mine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three bullets. | |
| Nah, not Vern's roulette. | ||
| Mine's with three bullets. | ||
| I was thinking that the other day about marriage, that marriage is essentially Russian roulette with three bullets. | ||
| Because one's going to die first? | ||
| 50% of marriage is in a divorce. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| And then there's the Chris Rock line. | ||
| He goes, that's just the people that had the courage to get out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, how many cowards just stay and suffer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So true. | ||
| True Catholics. | ||
| So true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this is coming from a guy who's happily married. | ||
| But that's... | ||
| When I see people about to get married, I go, oof, good luck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you're married. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As I said, this is coming from a guy who's happily married. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It works. | ||
| I thought you were talking about Chris Rock. | ||
| And I'm like, no, he's divorced. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, he's not. | |
| No, he's divorced. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, but me, I see people get married, and I'm like, eesh. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I always assume... | ||
| I always tell people, like, yeah, I'm married. | ||
| I'm happy. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| It's too risky. | ||
| Dude, that's why I've got to have you on advice from a dipshit. | ||
| Because Amanda will call through and she'll get marriage advice. | ||
| We have a lot every single month that people call in and say, hey man, should I, shouldn't I? You can't give people advice. | ||
| Because first of all, there is no fucking way I know how you actually are together when you're alone. | ||
| I don't know that. | ||
| But it's advice from a dipshit. | ||
| So basically I go by myself and go, just make sure you're doing this, this, this, and this. | ||
| And then you're on your fucking own. | ||
| Do not quote me. | ||
| You should have Dr. Laura on your show. | ||
| Have her be mean to people. | ||
| My god, that'd be amazing. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| She's so mean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's brutal. | ||
| She gives the meanest advice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I mean, I need to have more of those tough love people on the show. | ||
| I always have these comics that, you know, who, Santino was the meanest once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Because a guy, fucking, that big, big leprechaun. | ||
| I had, someone called in and was like, you know, we usually curb these, but like, we get a lot of like, how do I make it? | ||
| Or when's the right time to move to LA or New York? | ||
| Never. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never. | |
| Or whatever. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| We missed the 80s. | ||
| It's like, I don't know, man. | ||
| It's kind of up to you. | ||
| And this guy was like, I've been doing it like 12 years or something. | ||
| And Andrew was just like, the message even finished. | ||
| He goes, I would give up, man. | ||
| I would honestly give up. | ||
| Because this business will eat you alive. | ||
| And that is something I don't have the heart. | ||
| I'm a sensitive guy. | ||
| I don't have the heart to say that to anyone. | ||
| To just say, back it up and move on. | ||
| It ain't for you. | ||
| But Andrew was saying that. | ||
| And it was kind of like, I appreciate his honesty. | ||
| Well... | ||
| I just think that it requires an obsession. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| If you're not fully obsessed, you're probably not going to put the thought process and the effort into it, and you're not going to survive the bombings. | ||
| No. | ||
| The bombings, they test your soul. | ||
| It's just nothing worse than feeling that amount of hate. | ||
| I remember being in New York in dead silence and hearing a guy in the back be like, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Can we fucking go home now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, Jesus Christ, like audibly, audibly in the silence. | |
| Oh my God, that's the worst. | ||
| And I hear that guy in my dreams. | ||
| I was bombing on stage once, and this guy goes, you're fucking terrible. | ||
| And I was like, he's right. | ||
| That's not what I could say. | ||
| I didn't even respond. | ||
| Nothing I can say, dude. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| I can't even pull myself out of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I got nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember Patton Oswalt being on stage at the first festival I read. | ||
| It was a Chicago comedy festival. | ||
| And I found the booklet from it recently, like cleaning out my house. | ||
| What year? | ||
| 2001. And it was Doug Stanhope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Swartzen, Tosh, Kyle, who else? | |
| Fucking Bill Dwyer. | ||
| Bunch of random, like, awesome people. | ||
| But Patton's on stage and Maren, back when Maren still drank. | ||
| I think that was the last time he drank, actually, that weekend. | ||
| No, Maren wasn't drinking back then. | ||
| Maren wasn't drinking way back in the 80s. | ||
| No. | ||
| Did he start drinking again? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That was like during the relapse period, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I remember because he talks about leaving the hotel and a friend who was at the hotel was like, yeah, man, when you left, your luggage was sweating, like said at the mirror. | ||
| So he was so hungover. | ||
| But Patton was like, you know, him and Maren were just dropping in in places and this chick was so mad she got bumped. | ||
| She's like, you fucking... | ||
| I fucking suck! | ||
| And Patton's like, I agree with you! | ||
| I agree with you! | ||
| She was mad at him because she got bumped? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And so she was saying he sucked? | ||
| Yeah, she's just screaming at him from the audience. | ||
| She just said, you get up, honey. | ||
| Yeah, well, I mean, I was kind of like, this is a free-form room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got bumped, but I get to watch Patton. | ||
| So she's a comic heckling? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| She never made it, did she? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Nope. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, but it was that thing that was like, if you say I could be killing, it had been one guy would be like, this guy fucking blows. | ||
| And I'm like, I believe that guy. | ||
| Damn it, I don't want to. | ||
| It's the worst is when you're killing, you see one person in the front row like this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like an old lady. | ||
| Scowling. | ||
| Like, what are you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had an old lady like that at the store the other day. | ||
| Older lady. | ||
| Like, she was like, halfway into my act, she still had this look on her face like, I don't know. | ||
| I hit her with this one bit, and she throws her head back, and then she's howling. | ||
| I'm like, I got her. | ||
| Wow, I got her. | ||
| She didn't want to give in. | ||
| That's a fun soda to crack. | ||
| Yeah, when she was all of a sudden like, ah! | ||
| Best feeling. | ||
| She gave in. | ||
| Maybe it was the booze. | ||
| Maybe the booze kicked in. | ||
| Comedy without booze, boy, that would be a struggle. | ||
| That would suck. | ||
| I mean, our whole job is entertaining drinkers. | ||
| I wonder what it would be like if we had liquor-free comedy nights. | ||
| Have you played? | ||
| You have to have played those weed rooms. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Those are too crazy. | ||
| They're insane. | ||
| We did the Toronto one, the underground room. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| There was no air for the candles on the table. | ||
| The candles were running on a promissory note. | ||
| There was no oxygen in the room. | ||
| It was all just weed smoke. | ||
| I was on stage midway through jokes and having second thoughts. | ||
| Like, every linear thought was a tree branch that was growing, where I'm like, which one do I follow? | ||
| Well, not only that, what did I already talk about? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| What have I covered? | ||
| Alright, I have no fucking idea. | ||
| Do you guys know? | ||
| Well, when I was doing it, I was doing it with Tripoli, and Tripoli was sober at the time. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But we walk into this room and the secondhand smoke is a fucking real thing. | ||
| That's what I mean! | ||
| I hadn't hit a joint! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you hadn't? | |
| I was gonna wait until after my set. | ||
| I don't like doing comedy high, and I felt high on stage. | ||
| And it's that thing where it's like, well, you just gotta run with it. | ||
| You can't fight the tide. | ||
| Don't swim upstream. | ||
| You're not getting any better. | ||
| No. | ||
| You just gotta just keep going. | ||
| I did. | ||
| There's a show that a guy, Andy Haynes, had called Midnight Run, where you'd smoke right before you got on stage, and you just hit this big joint. | ||
| And I was doing great. | ||
| And then I had this huge setup, and then my brain just, the bottom fell out. | ||
| Everything fell out. | ||
| All ideas, all thoughts, my name. | ||
| And I just went, it was like, and then the girl turns to me. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| And I walked in the middle of a setup, and then... | ||
| It was a crushed ending because people were laughing so hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you're so fucked up. | |
| Because I just pulled the ripcord. | ||
| I literally was like, I had a parachute that came out of my backpack that pulled me out of the room. | ||
| Sometimes marijuana is your friend. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And sometimes it'll fuck up your whole set. | ||
| But sometimes it'll go, why? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| And then people go, yeah, why is that? | ||
| And then you're off on this tangent you probably would have never been on. | ||
| And that tangent might be the best part of that set. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I think about people that were like from very regimented backgrounds and went into the military, you know, in the 60s and then hit their first joint and went, this is dumb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I hate this. | ||
| Because that's the thing about, I found about marijuana is it introduced truths about myself that I found hard to face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And they were minute truths. | ||
| They weren't anything big that I was afraid of or something, you know, that, like, I really want to kill someone or something stupid. | ||
| But it was just little things that would, like, bubble up. | ||
| And I think that's the craziest thing about that plant to me. | ||
| Well, the idea that it makes you paranoid, right? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's the paranoia. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, I don't like pot. | ||
| It makes me paranoid. | ||
| I really think it makes you hyper aware of all sorts of things you've been suppressing. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Because when I'm feeling good, when I'm happy, like I've been a good person. | ||
| I've been nice to people. | ||
| I've done the things I'm supposed to do. | ||
| I can get high and I enjoy the shit out of it. | ||
| But when I got loose ends, when I got things that are fucking with me... | ||
| You know, maybe like something that went wrong in my life or whatever, and then I smoke pot, then it just gets weird. | ||
| Yeah, and I tend to, I don't smoke anymore and think about myself and get worried about me. | ||
| I think about the world, and I think about way too big of issues, and I think about maybe we're all fucked and, you know, everything. | ||
| Do you have children? | ||
| No. | ||
| Once you have children, then you start thinking about the future. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what is it going to be like for my children's children or their children? | ||
| Like, what kind of toxic world are we going to be living in? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| This progress that we're exhibiting right now that keeps going in the same direction. | ||
| I think we're living in a level of anxiety as a human race that probably four or five years ago I would have been like, we can't handle that. | ||
| But we're somehow handling it, you know? | ||
| Well, we're adaptable. | ||
| Yeah, I've definitely learned that. | ||
| But it's the amount of times I... I'm so happy for comedy. | ||
| I'm so thankful that I'm a comedian and I'm around comedians that can kind of just let the air out of me anytime. | ||
| What did you do before you did comedy? | ||
| I was an actor when I was a kid. | ||
| Then I went to school for acting and then I went to Chicago and I got into improv and stand-up and that was it. | ||
| Where I was like, I'll still do acting but this is where my heart is. | ||
| What's so much more fun. | ||
| It's so much more fun, and it's so honest, and it's so in the moment. | ||
| I've said this a lot here and there, but when you're on stage and you're going through a bit you've done 50 times, and you just drop it and go, you know what? | ||
| Fucking, I had the worst diarrhea together today or whatever. | ||
| Something that you just share, and the crowd goes, oh, because a defense attorney wrote this book, and one line in it was, the truth just sounds different in court. | ||
| It just sounds different. | ||
| And it's the same thing for a comedian. | ||
| When a person just goes, I don't think my wife loves me. | ||
|
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|
And you'll get a laugh, but it's like, fuck, he really believes that. | |
| And now the crowd's like, ooh, yeah, good. | ||
| Now this is the meat. | ||
| You took the Cheetos off the table. | ||
| Now you put the roast down. | ||
| Now good. | ||
| Now we have something to chew on. | ||
| And the immediacy of that can't really be matched. | ||
| Improv, maybe. | ||
| Live theater, sure. | ||
| But stand-up comedy is the moment, like Buddhism, like saying the moment. | ||
| In comedy, if you stay out of the moment, you're no longer in the pole position. | ||
| Your car is going to drive off the road because the ultimate bullshit detector is a crowd. | ||
| They know far more than they know they know. | ||
| I've been reading these articles written by these angry women about Louis C.K.'s comeback, and some of them have been going to his shows and writing about the show. | ||
| And one of them that I read today was from this woman in Pittsburgh. | ||
| What I thought was fascinating, she said that he has... | ||
| He doesn't allow people to bring cell phones. | ||
| They have those yonder pouches. | ||
| Her rationalization of this was, and she included me and Dave Chappelle in this, that we use those because we know that words offend, but we don't want the consequences. | ||
| Which is not what it is at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't want people sharing your material online because you're developing it and you're touring with it. | ||
| And jokes are a surprise. | ||
| A musician doesn't want you recording them just noodling around before they finish this song. | ||
| Right, but a musician's song, the difference is you can hear it over and over and over again, and it doesn't lose any of the thing. | ||
| You actually enjoy it more. | ||
| More to the point. | ||
| But if you have a bit about diapers, and there's a very specific punchline about a diaper, and then they already know it. | ||
| They know that punchline, and you're working out how to get to that punchline and how to set up the bit, but someone leaked the audio already. | ||
| Like, Louis is touring right now with that leaked set. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is weird. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, all that stuff about the Parkland kids, and I don't know if he's still doing those bits, but he was doing some of those bits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he has a bit about losing all the money and about how he bought a gold watch. | ||
| Like, those bits, like, this woman referenced those bits in the article, which means that she went to the show and he's doing the material from the leak, which he kind of has to do. | ||
| Because if he wrote an hour over the last 10 months where he's been hiatus, what does he do? | ||
| He's touring. | ||
| So is he going to tour with a whole new hour? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like he's quite obviously a special case because of his behavior. | ||
| But it's almost like, I will say, that aside, I have my problems with Louis and what he's done and everything. | ||
| But overall, I'm on the side of free speech. | ||
| And in terms of being comedians, we can't allow you to come in and film our shit or to record it, no matter who it is, because it's... | ||
| The larger thing is like everyone – one thing with comedy is everyone thinks they're an expert. | ||
| There's no other art form where someone's like, I know what the best shit is or I got a friend funnier than you. | ||
| Right, but in all fairness, if I go to see a movie – I'm not a movie maker, but if I go to see a movie and I think it sucks, I should be able to say, oh, that movie blew. | ||
| True, but you're not allowed to go on set and film it yourself while they're filming it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, you're also not allowed to bootleg it and then put it online. | ||
| You'll go to jail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It really will. | ||
| Yeah, and people that record our stuff, like Stanhope was tweeting about that, about how is this legal. | ||
| Right after the Louis thing. | ||
| Yeah, and Chappelle has that thing, like the Comedy Works has, where you come in with your cell phone, they put it in a locked pouch. | ||
| You get the combo, you get it when you leave. | ||
| I was doing that before I did my Netflix special, but I was only doing it because I was tightening up my set, and I didn't want any of it getting leaked right before the Netflix special. | ||
| But once I filmed it, then I stopped doing it. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Because I was like, it's too hard. | ||
| It's too complicated, and it's just like, the internet is going to be the internet. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It did make the show better, though. | ||
| You know where it did make it better? | ||
| Miami. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Because in Miami, people are such chimps that they just kept getting up and walking out to check their phone. | ||
| So they'd get up, they'd go out to get their phone, they'd come back, and so they were all just popping up and down. | ||
| Everybody's just trying to fucking do coke in Miami. | ||
| Miami's insane, dude. | ||
| Miami will always be more insane than any given American city. | ||
| It's just on another level. | ||
| It's forever young. | ||
| It's forever 21. It really is, like the name of that women's store. | ||
| It's a cocaine city. | ||
| It is a cocaine city. | ||
| I mean, it's created by cocaine. | ||
| There's more banks per capita in Miami than anywhere else because of cocaine laundering. | ||
| Yeah, and you go there, and they're like, oh, you're going to go out tonight? | ||
| And you're like, I'm out. | ||
| And they're like, no, man, it's 1 a.m. | ||
| We're not going out until 5. Yeah. | ||
| What are you, 60 years old? | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| I don't do that. | ||
| You guys are crazy. | ||
| I have a wife. | ||
| They're all high. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They're all fucked up on coke and pills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Running around rampant. | ||
| You mentioned Chappelle, and we were talking about Bourdain before, and I will not say what the joke is, but that guy is such an alchemist. | ||
| Like, he can just make gold out of lead in terms of material. | ||
| He had a Bourdain joke that made me double over laughing about the suicide that wasn't talking about Bourdain per se, but about his own family member. | ||
| I don't want to blow the joke, but it was that thing where, apologies to people who are listening to this. | ||
| I know you want me to say what it is, but he's probably going to do it in a special, so I don't want to do that. | ||
| But it's testament to how with comedy there's always a mission impossible. | ||
| There's always a topic like, you cannot make fun of this. | ||
| And someone found a way, and it wasn't disrespectful. | ||
| I was just like, God damn it. | ||
| He'll just say these setups that you're like, whoosh. | ||
| Where are you going with this one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ! | |
| Yeah, the idea that you can't make fun of something is crazy. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| You might do it wrong, but someone can do it right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it might not be your style, but someone can do it. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| There's so many weird styles. | ||
| One of the beautiful things about comedy is the fact that styles are so personal. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know, like, Dave Attell might be able to do a bit that, you know, Sebastian could not do. | ||
| It's just not in his wheelhouse. | ||
| Dave Attell is probably the funniest man on earth. | ||
| He's one of them, for sure. | ||
| Like, that dude just kills me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, every time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's another magician. | ||
| He just pulls shit out of the air. | ||
| And he's so prolific. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just always writing. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Always tuning things. | ||
| It'll call you up and go, hey, have you ever heard something like this before? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because it'll come too easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you will. | |
| He just wants to make sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, comedy is so beautiful in that it really is an art form that you can't learn anywhere. | ||
| Like, you have to learn it yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not like you can learn how to play the clarinet. | ||
| You go and take classes and practice music. | ||
| You don't have to have ever created anything, and you can play beautiful clarinet music. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you don't have to ever have invented a single song, and you could just go out there and make a living playing the clarinet. | ||
| Well, and you don't learn to play a clarinet in front of an audience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You don't bring it to the clarinet open mic and, doodoo, doodoo, boo, fuck you! | ||
| You have to learn in front of people. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Yeah, you're not going to get up there and play Flight of the Bumblebee right away. | ||
| Is there anything else where you have to learn in front of people like that? | ||
| I mean, even basketball, you practice in the gym. | ||
| Yeah, there might be a couple friends hanging out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it is the only art form I can think of that you can only get better in front of a crowd. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| And there's no classes. | ||
| All classes that you take are useless. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're all taught by fools. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sorry, folks, teaching comedy classes. | ||
| Yeah, I've had friends who have been. | ||
| John Roy writes stuff online that I think is really illuminating, that teaches you what the business is really like and what the best comedy is from a comedian's perspective. | ||
| But he's not... | ||
| He just puts them up there for free. | ||
| He's not sitting in a room. | ||
| Someone can give you a coach. | ||
| Like a good comic can coach you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can say, hey man, you know that bit? | ||
| If you just came at it this way, maybe that would be an easier way. | ||
| Like Neil Brennan is a genius that way. | ||
| And I did that for a show where a guy who was... | ||
| He was more of like... | ||
| He's entertaining, but his delivery and stuff was kind of like a TED Talk. | ||
| And he was going to do a show. | ||
| He did a pilot where it was just him kind of talking about the news and stuff. | ||
| And basically, they brought me in to kind of just loosen him up to make it like the best comedians. | ||
| It's like the funniest person at a party. | ||
| You're as natural in front of your friends after a couple beers as you are on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So I just had to fuck. | ||
| And it was just like untightening muscles on this guy. | ||
| And I'm just like, nope, nope. | ||
| You're leaning into the funny. | ||
| You're getting loud and you think that's fun. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| That was fun just coaching someone. | ||
| It's hard for people to see how other people are seeing them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes that's one of the reasons why people like to avoid recordings or films. | ||
| They don't want to watch themselves. | ||
| Because you watch yourself and you're like, yuck! | ||
| It's the worst! | ||
| You watch an edit of your special? | ||
| Because you already know the jokes, so they're not funny to you. | ||
| They don't hit you. | ||
| I have a special coming out February 5th called Finally Live in Portland. | ||
| What's it coming out on? | ||
| It's going to be like Gaffigans everywhere. | ||
| So Amazon Prime, all that jazz? | ||
| Google Play, iTunes, all that jazz. | ||
| That seems to be the trend. | ||
| A lot of people are doing that. | ||
| I was just tired of waiting where I had Netflix and Comedy Central. | ||
| I have good relationships with them, but they're like, our roster's full for this year. | ||
| We'll try for next year. | ||
| And I'm like, man, it's the first part of the year now. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I'm just going to dump, do it. | ||
| Hinchcliffe is going to do the same thing. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and Callan too. | ||
| Callan just did the same thing. | ||
| It's like you get to a point where you're like, look, I gotta go. | ||
| I get it that you guys have five Hannah Gadsby specials on the back burner, ready to rock and roll, about to wake people up. | ||
| But I gotta make my thing. | ||
| But to the point, besides my obvious sneaking in a plug there, I like watching the cut of it with an editor. | ||
| Death. | ||
| People are like, what's your favorite joke on it? | ||
| None of them. | ||
| I hate them all. | ||
| I hate all those jokes. | ||
| But that's because you're good. | ||
| People who suck, they love everything they do. | ||
| I'm going to shit on Bobby Lee real quick, even though we love Bobby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please do. | |
| I love him, but... | ||
| And it's not even shitting on him. | ||
| I admired it. | ||
| Just shit on him, bro. | ||
| He's not here. | ||
| When we were on Mad TV together, Eric Price and I were both on there. | ||
| We got hired the last season, and then they canceled it. | ||
| Make of that what you will. | ||
| But when we worked with Bobby, when he didn't have his dick and balls out eating a salad, he would watch playback and would just watch himself and be like, ha, ha, ha, ha. | ||
| To the point where Keegan-Michael Key, me, and Eric would just point at him and go like, me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me! | |
| It's me! | ||
| He would literally laugh at his own shit, and I admired that about him. | ||
| I'm just like, I could never. | ||
| It's a mental delusion. | ||
| He's got something wrong with his brain. | ||
| He needs to put out a special. | ||
| I've been telling him forever. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you are one of the best stand-up comedians alive, and you don't have a special. | ||
| And he still goes to clubs and is like, can I just do 20 minutes? | ||
| And the owner's like, fuck no! | ||
| What we're paying you? | ||
| You do an hour? | ||
|
unidentified
|
To headline? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He asked if he could do 20 minutes to headline? | ||
| He'll do over an hour, but he's just so down on himself. | ||
| He's like, I don't think I got it. | ||
| Can I just do like 20? | ||
| Can you let this guy do 45? | ||
| He really says that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| When he goes to a club and people are there to see him? | ||
| Last I checked, yeah. | ||
| Because he's just so down on himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So crazy. | |
| And then he'll get up and just crush. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| I talked to him about it. | ||
| I was like, why don't you do this? | ||
| I'm going to. | ||
| I'm going to. | ||
| I'm like, you're not going to. | ||
| No. | ||
| You've been telling me you're going to for years. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've known Bobby Lee for 20 plus years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's never put out a comedy special. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bobby Lee almost got me killed at a strip club in San Diego. | ||
| First time I met him. | ||
| I already believe it. | ||
| B, continue. | ||
| We were in our 20s. | ||
| And... | ||
| And I met Bobby Lee down there at the La Jolla Comedy Store, and then we went out after the show. | ||
| This was probably like late 90s somewhere. | ||
| And we went out afterwards, went out to the strip club, and there was this Mexican gentleman with a tattoo on his face in the 90s, which is rare. | ||
| And he had long, straight black hair. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he had a look in his eyes like he's killed people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm good at sniffing out danger. | ||
| I'm like, that's real danger. | ||
| And Bobby was hitting on his girl. | ||
| He was trying to get a lap dance from his girlfriend. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I mean, in Bobby's defense, it's at a strip club. | ||
| But this girl was apparently his girlfriend at a strip club. | ||
| And the guy stood up. | ||
| And he stood up and he said something to Bobby. | ||
| And Bobby comes over. | ||
| And he's like, fuck that guy. | ||
| And I looked at the guy. | ||
| I looked at Bobby. | ||
| I go, I'm getting out of here right now. | ||
| And he's like, I go, either come with me or you're going to walk home. | ||
| I'm like, fuck you. | ||
| I go, I'm not getting killed for you. | ||
| We all ran out into the car. | ||
| And I had a Toyota Supra at the time. | ||
| And I got in my car and Bobby's like, that guy ain't gonna do shit. | ||
| I'm like, get in the fucking car! | ||
| I'm like, dude, you don't understand danger. | ||
| You're gonna get everyone killed. | ||
| It's guys like you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bobby Lee's one of those guys that has no spidey sense. | ||
| None. | ||
| None. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| You know, I have very strong where it's tingling where I'm like, oh, I'm about to get jumped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I need to just abandon my pride and run down the street. | ||
| This one was a real one. | ||
| I was like, oh, this guy's like a gangbanger. | ||
| He had tattooed tears. | ||
| He was legitimately scary looking. | ||
| Even if he was bluffing. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is a video like what would happen. | ||
| This big guy right here, he gets pissed off and he basically knocks everyone out here in the bar. | ||
| Nobody can do anything about it. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| He just starts fighting. | ||
| One guy, one guy's like, hey, you need to stop. | ||
| Knocks this guy out. | ||
| Knocks that guy out. | ||
| Starts beating up a guy over here in the booth. | ||
| Well, he's just beating people up for no reason. | ||
| Yeah, someone must have pissed him off. | ||
| He was dancing at the beginning of the video. | ||
| Oh, no, dude. | ||
| He's not doing anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's tagging out. | |
| This guy can't even fight. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Well, he's telegraphing every punch. | ||
| I'm not even a fighter, but... | ||
| Everybody's letting him punch him. | ||
| Well, they're all drunk as shit, too. | ||
| Oh, they're bumping into him. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's a dick. | |
| A fucking drunk guy nudged you? | ||
| Four in the morning or something like that. | ||
| Oh, he's a dick. | ||
| Yeah, that sucks. | ||
| Yeah, but that's what could happen in that situation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They'd have fucked everyone up. | ||
| You have to send this to me because that looks like my friend Vince Averill, who's a comedian from the Midwest. | ||
| He's got that same kind of balding, same size. | ||
| He's like punching little kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a giant punching little kids. | ||
| One of my favorite videos of a bar is a girl and a guy. | ||
| The guy got in this girl's face and she grabs his collar and headbutts him unconscious. | ||
| She grabs and goes, wham! | ||
| And the dude just drops. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Like, that bitch must have grown up in a hard family. | ||
| Because this guy is way bigger than her, and it was a dangerous thing to try. | ||
| And she just grabs his collar and fucking slams her forehead right into his nose. | ||
| I think you can get away with that if you're a lady. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| Well, not that it's excusable. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| You're giving bad advice. | ||
| I'm not saying do it. | ||
| Is this it? | ||
| I think this is it. | ||
| Yeah, watch this. | ||
| The guy, like, they get closer to us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Bam! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| KO'd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Go to sleep, bitch. | ||
| Holy sh... | ||
| And look at her just strolling away. | ||
| Yeah, that girl's done that before. | ||
| And that guy's like, Sheila, you killed again! | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| We have to get you help. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Who's gonna arrest me? | ||
| You don't tell... | ||
| He's moving. | ||
| He's like, we didn't give you bionic limbs to let you do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she's got a plate in her head from a car accident when she was six. | |
| No, I'm saying if a girl puts her hands on your chest, that guy had to be like, what are you going to really... | ||
| He didn't see it coming. | ||
| You can't let people touch you. | ||
| Never let people touch you. | ||
| No! | ||
| Even if it's a girl. | ||
| A girl grabbing you like that, be very careful. | ||
| That's a red flag. | ||
| Yeah, if someone does that, you feel tension. | ||
| You feel like they're about to do something. | ||
| If you're a dumb dude and you think you're invulnerable... | ||
| Yeah, and then wake up with a shattered nose. | ||
| Get headbutted into oblivion. | ||
| That was insane. | ||
| The real scary thing is falling out. | ||
| The thing about getting hit is that you fall and your head bounces off the ground. | ||
| That's the most dangerous thing. | ||
| I mean, I'm so tall, I would have permanent brain damage. | ||
| Right, all the falling? | ||
| Yeah, because you're just a sack. | ||
| Just a sack of jelly. | ||
| Maybe that's why Bobby's so cocky, because he's not falling very far. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| He's just woken up on the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He kind of rolls. | |
| He tucks and rolls. | ||
| He's like, I was talking to that guy, and I must have bumped my head on something, because I woke up in the alleyway. | ||
| But I'm fine. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you ever done his podcast? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've got to reach out. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| I love hanging out with Bobby. | ||
| I hope he really does do a comedy special this year. | ||
| I really do, because he's so funny. | ||
| He murders! | ||
| I mean, to me, he's a no-brainer for Netflix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No-brainer. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Diversity. | ||
| Hashtag diversity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's a nut. | ||
| He has great stories. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He told me a story once about... | ||
| He was at MADtv, they had a table read, and he hadn't slept in a couple of days. | ||
| He'd just gotten back from Mexico. | ||
| He had a giant Bowie knife, like, tucked into his shirt, and he was fucked up on pills, and he was just sweating. | ||
| He's been up for days and he's at the table read. | ||
| And that was before he decided to clean his act up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was lucky enough to come across well after those days. | ||
| And they wrote a script to fuck with him. | ||
| They gave him the wrong script with extra lines, with a monologue that took up the whole page. | ||
| So that he would have to remember it? | ||
| No, no, he just had to read it. | ||
| And everyone's like, they tell everybody, don't worry about that part where he thinks he's a bird. | ||
| And so Bobby's like, I'm a bird, I'm supposed to... | ||
| And the writer was coaching him, just like, do the wackiest bird voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, car, car, I'm supposed to fly, car, and I'm a bird! | |
| And he looks up, and we're crying, laughing, and he sees someone's script, he goes, fuck you guy! | ||
| And he threw the script across the room, and I remember just taking pictures of him. | ||
| Yeah, just to... | ||
| That they just did, like, on his birthday or something. | ||
| It was, like, the best prank. | ||
| Wasn't MADtv, like, the longest-running sketch show ever outside of Saturday Night Live? | ||
| It was, yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Nobody watched it. | ||
| Ten people watched that show. | ||
| It cost too much, I think. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Yeah, because they do a lot of, like, song parodies and things like that, and it just—I mean— I wish it would have kept going. | ||
| Of course, you were working on it. | ||
| But it was one of those things where it was like you'd hear it was still on. | ||
| You're like, whoa, that show's still on? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because I was on it with Brian Callen in 1994. Yeah. | ||
| Brian Callen and Artie Lang, like, 94, 95, 95? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| That was a long fucking time ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it is. | |
| And then all those years later, I'm like, what? | ||
| It's still on? | ||
| Dude, when I got the call to audition, I was like, this is still on television? | ||
| This was 2008. That is fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 2009, it ended. | ||
| 1995 to 2009, that's insane. | ||
| We shot the last, they canceled it, I want to say January of 2009, and it was, they canceled it on my, they told everyone on my day off. | ||
| Oh, so it was original network. | ||
| It was on Fox. | ||
| And why does it say the CW? They tried to bring it back. | ||
| They tried to bring it back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| Adam Ray was on it. | ||
| What? | ||
| And a couple people I don't know. | ||
| What is the CW? Is that real? | ||
| Oh, look. | ||
| There I am. | ||
| Is that like a drug dealer's money laundering operation, the CW network? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is it like those... | ||
| I live south of Glendale, and there's a banquet hall every two blocks. | ||
| I'm like, there's some laundering. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That's got to be some easy laundering right there. | ||
| Banquet hall. | ||
| They're just trying to figure out a way to get rid of money. | ||
| You've got to move it around, justify their income. | ||
| Who's to say there isn't a wedding, two weddings a day? | ||
| A couple of weddings here, there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You've got to think that if you're a person in this day and age, That you're selling drugs and you're trying to launder money. | ||
| You have to be super sophisticated about it. | ||
| That's the hardest part. | ||
| If you're making millions of dollars selling drugs, how do you... | ||
| You have to own laundromats or something. | ||
| You can't be like Pablo Escobar moving the money from the bottom to the top because it'll rot like fruit. | ||
| There's so many rats in there. | ||
| I was at a... | ||
| This is the best way to describe this. | ||
| I don't give anybody up. | ||
| I was at a luxury automobile place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| And this one gentleman came in who is in the rap game. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And they had a large bag of money. | ||
| They were looking at Lamborghinis. | ||
| I wasn't looking at Lamborghinis. | ||
| They were like, Joe Rogan, you douche, you buy a Lamborghini? | ||
| No. | ||
| But they sell them at this place. | ||
| And they were bringing out the money counter, a money counting machine. | ||
| Yeah, like Scarface. | ||
| Like Scarface. | ||
| This is how they were going to buy a car. | ||
| That's fantastic. | ||
| I guess if you're in the rap game, that's how they like to buy cars. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They like to just throw a duffel bag full of cash and buy a car. | ||
| And then you're done. | ||
| Just like, no, I have to wait for the wire to come through. | ||
| No, here you go. | ||
| I used to work with a business manager who used to work with high-end sports, high-end athletes, and she's like, can we set this up or some transfer? | ||
| She's like, listen, you'll never make my job as hard as trying to get a Lamborghini dealer to open at midnight in Las Vegas. | ||
| Where a client wants to buy one. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Like somebody wins. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they go, hey, I want to buy a Lambo right now. | |
| It's coked out of their fucking mind. | ||
| I'm going to get married. | ||
| I'm going to buy a Lambo. | ||
| Bright purple. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| Picture. | ||
| This is Future. | ||
| He's a rapper. | ||
| This is him holding a million dollars in cash. | ||
| Future is very, very popular. | ||
| There's Future. | ||
| And it looks like he's got some stray hundreds in that ring finger. | ||
| They're slipping through his fingers. | ||
| Do you think he has a fuckhole cut in the money? | ||
| Right, he's fucking that money. | ||
| Well, his pants are down very low, as you notice. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Yeah, he might have a fleshlight impaled into that stack of cash. | ||
| So he's got a million dollars in cash. | ||
| Mike Tyson, back in the height of his heavyweight reign, he used to carry something like $20,000 on him at all times. | ||
| It was something insane. | ||
| That's normal, isn't it? | ||
| For a rapper? | ||
| 20 grand is life money. | ||
| But I'm talking the 80s. | ||
| I remember reading that in an article as a kid and being like, Christ! | ||
| And I went through two thoughts. | ||
| Isn't he afraid of getting robbed? | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| Who's going to rob Mike Tyson? | ||
| He's going to find you. | ||
| Unless you kill him. | ||
| He's going to sit on you and punch your head until it's jelly. | ||
| It says broke? | ||
| That was after 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy, right? | ||
| Because women were coming after him for child support. | ||
| So he said he was bankrupt. | ||
| But he also made hundreds of millions of dollars off of vitamin water. | ||
| Yeah, he made a killing with that vitamin water deal. | ||
| Yeah, he's got some weird bankruptcy thing. | ||
| It was child support? | ||
| Is that what got him in the end? | ||
| Vodka? | ||
| No, I don't think it got him. | ||
| I think he was avoiding it. | ||
| He never should have rapped, have a baby by me, baby. | ||
| Be a millionaire. | ||
| I'll write the check before the baby comes. | ||
| Who the fuck cares? | ||
| Is that what he said? | ||
| He said that. | ||
| I mean, you're setting yourself up there. | ||
| I guess he cares. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the thing is, after a while, when you don't have a hit record out in like a decade... | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're like, hey, this shit could dry up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, maybe I need to go bankrupt and stop paying these ladies. | ||
| He's... | ||
| It's a cash-only business. | ||
| He probably has it all hidden. | ||
| I don't know what he did. | ||
| The vitamin water thing isn't cash-only. | ||
| How do you make hundreds of millions of dollars and then say you're bankrupt? | ||
| I don't think he really is. | ||
| I think your theory is probably sound of him just being like, yeah! | ||
| I think it was literally because of that. | ||
| Someone was trying to hit him up either for alimony or child support. | ||
| He was like, I got an idea. | ||
| I'm just going to hire some financial wizards to work their sorcery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dig a hole, bear it in the ground. | ||
| It is weird that people give people money. | ||
| Like, you break up and you go, okay, well now you gotta give them money. | ||
| Like, I get it if you have a child to support, totally makes sense. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But like, if you dated someone for a couple years, and then you married them, and then while you're married, you made a million dollars, they didn't make anything, and you're like, hey, I want half that money. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| We're not together anymore. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I want money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want money from you. | ||
| It's like, sorry, are you going to do half my set on the road from now on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| But I want you to support my lifestyle. | ||
| I'm used to a certain lifestyle. | ||
| That's another thing that gets me. | ||
| People are used to a certain lifestyle. | ||
| The guy who, Joan Collins, I don't know, 16th husband or something. | ||
| I remember that was his thing in court. | ||
| Like, Your Honor, my client has grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. | ||
| And that was all over the news. | ||
| And I was just like, oh, come on, dude. | ||
| Custom. | ||
| Like, you can't change. | ||
| You cannot change. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's no way you could live a middle-class life anymore. | ||
| Those days are done. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's upward. | ||
| It's only upward. | ||
| Well, you probably can't fly anything less than first class now, can you, probably? | ||
| Yeah, I fly Southwest sometimes. | ||
| Oh, you do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just a fucking plane, man. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| But I know people that if they have to sit in front, like I remember when during the recession or something, there was some video of Puff Daddy getting on a plane and he was like, your boy isn't flying private. | ||
| We've got to fix these problems, man. | ||
| I've got to fly in first class. | ||
| And he's like, why would I give a shit? | ||
| Your boy isn't flying private. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, it was amazing. | ||
| Thank you for tweeting about this. | ||
| I was worried about the government shutdown. | ||
| Well, and yelling at, and this was like 10 years ago, but like yelling at whoever's filming him on TMZ, and I think about the person that's in like Group D for that plane, where they call you and it's just like you and like a stray dog that gets let on the plane. | ||
| Was he saying he wasn't flying private because the money wasn't flowing in? | ||
| Because the economy was low. | ||
| Yeah, that was his point. | ||
| Yeah, and there's someone that's like, I used my last check to get on this plane to see about a job offer in Tulsa. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| He's one of those guys. | ||
| He had some fucking billboard on Sunset that was like, can't stop, won't stop. | ||
| I was like, I already thought you stopped. | ||
| I didn't know you didn't stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's his line. | |
| I thought I told you that we don't stop. | ||
| Can't stop. | ||
| Won't stop. | ||
| I thought I told you that we don't stop. | ||
| We know. | ||
| You told us. | ||
| But I thought you stopped. | ||
| I haven't seen you in a while. | ||
| You didn't stop? | ||
| What's he been doing? | ||
| While he wasn't around, he didn't stop. | ||
| What does he do? | ||
| It was 2008 because the gas prices were too high so he stopped flying private. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Gas prices. | ||
| It wasn't an economy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Got to fix his problems for Puff Daddy or P. Diddy or whatever it is. | ||
| If I was playing stadiums or something like that in 2008 and I got on a plane and yelled at it like a TMZ thing and someone just creased my brow with a brick, like just hit me in the face. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Earned. | ||
| Completely earned. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think violence is the answer. | |
| That's true. | ||
| I'm speaking dramatically, but, you know, it's almost like that guy, you ever been in line waiting to play and someone just starts playing music? | ||
| And you're like, come on, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like those rolling speakers? | ||
| Dude, at the gym. | ||
| This is a thing that guys do at the gym. | ||
| They bring their own small speaker and overpower the music that's playing over the... | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| That happened to Tony and I in Toronto. | ||
| We were like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| This guy's just playing this shitty music, like, really loud, like techno. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He brings his own music, and you gotta listen to him, because you're right next to the lat pull-down machine. | ||
| Fuck you, man. | ||
| Well, earbuds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just buy some earbuds. | ||
| Weird, man. | ||
| They're weird with their lack of appreciation for other people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the people that watch their iPads are like a phone and they watch something with the volume on. | ||
| And I've twice... | ||
| I'm not a very confrontational person, but I'm just like, hey, can you put some earbuds in? | ||
| And they're like, I don't have any. | ||
| I'm like, can you turn the sound off? | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| They give me a look like I said something like, you know, take your pants off. | ||
| Makes you feel more calm if you would take your pants off. | ||
| You know, like I said something that insane. | ||
| But they just look at me like, I gotta... | ||
| You're making people listen to your stupid shit. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's distracting. | ||
| It's grating. | ||
| What's weird is you'll go to a restaurant and you'll see two kids sitting opposite of each other with iPads. | ||
| They basically bring a portable television and they're both watching a different thing. | ||
| And it's like this sound, this conflicting sound of two child's programs. | ||
| Going back and forth with the kids on the opposite side of the table. | ||
| Loud. | ||
| I was at a restaurant the other day, and there was two children and two parents, and no one was talking to each other. | ||
| The dad was looking at his phone, the wife was looking at her phone, and two kids were looking at iPads, and no one was communicating. | ||
| They just sit in there. | ||
| Everyone looked depressed. | ||
| They were all fat. | ||
| They don't have game rooms anymore, though. | ||
| When I was growing up, we would go to a restaurant, get a dollar game room for an hour until the food came. | ||
| Yeah, a dollar for an hour? | ||
| What kind of time work were you living in? | ||
| You could play four games in an hour? | ||
| I didn't lose, Joe. | ||
| He was amazing. | ||
| He would kill it at Astroids. | ||
| You get free games, too. | ||
| Are you a pinball wizard? | ||
| No, the pinball is a little too old for me. | ||
| Pole position. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, you know, ever since you were a young boy, you played a several ball. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's coming back for sure. | ||
| There's like leagues and all sorts. | ||
| It's like made of retro. | ||
| Pinball is hard. | ||
| I know a dude who goes, yeah, he plays in pinball leagues. | ||
| That's so impressive to me. | ||
| Yeah, he's got pinball machines at his restaurant. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Plays the shit out of pinball. | ||
| To be good at something like that, it's just... | ||
| Fruitless. | ||
| There's no future in it. | ||
| It is fruitless, but it's impressive. | ||
| It's like someone who's really good at lawn darts. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck, bro. | ||
| There was a guy... | ||
| The king of lawn darts. | ||
| I'm the king of lawn darts, bro. | ||
| Yeah, like, hey, this is the world's strongest man. | ||
| That's great and all, but I'm the king of lawn darts. | ||
| I fucking rule. | ||
| I've given my life to lawn darts, bro. | ||
| Do you remember they used to be these big-ass weaponized lawn darts? | ||
| Oh, you could kill someone with them. | ||
| Lawn darts used to be like a small football with a dagger on the end. | ||
| And it would just come straight down. | ||
| Those hatchet throwing or axe throwing places have made a little bit of a resurgence, but I've seen them become unpopular now. | ||
| They're in all the media. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because girls in their underwear on Instagram are throwing hatchets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Aubrey and his girlfriend, Whitney, are throwing hatchets at Targets in their underwear. | ||
| And men need a new way to be violent during drinking. | ||
| You know, like that's just throwing an axe or... | ||
| It's also very retro. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, it's very Viking. | ||
| Do axes always land the right way? | ||
| That's what always freaks me out. | ||
| I feel like my handle would bounce off the wall and it would just fly somewhere weird. | ||
| In a movie, the guy grabs the knife by the blade like this, and it always lands with the blade in the body. | ||
| Imagine if someone threw a knife at you and the handle hit like this. | ||
| You're like, oh, bitch, you just gave me a free knife. | ||
| Thanks for throwing me this knife. | ||
| Now I'm going to hold onto the death grip and slide it into your rib cage. | ||
| I heard you mention this yesterday about someone, duels, that we're in a lot of duels. | ||
| I heard a stat I never knew about, that Andrew Jackson was in something like 100 duels. | ||
| What? | ||
| He only killed one person. | ||
| I thought he killed a lot of them. | ||
| You usually get shot in the arm, or like a musket ball would go... | ||
| So the one where he killed the guy, he actually, it was a, I forget the actual guy's name, but he was known as being a really good duel. | ||
| He killed lots of people, like 26 people or something like that. | ||
| So he challenged this guy, and he thought the only way to win would be to let him take the first shot. | ||
| So he let him take the first shot, got hit in the chest, was bleeding. | ||
| He covered the hole and then shot the guy and he died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| He shot him in the head. | ||
| He said he fell immediately and then died like a couple hours later. | ||
| I don't know if he was the president at the time, but the doctor said, like, I don't know how you stood and took that shot. | ||
| And he said, if he shot me in the brain, I was going to stand and take that shot to kill this guy. | ||
| I don't know if he said, like, motherfucker or whatever, but like... | ||
| Andrew Jackson was crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hated this guy. | |
| He was a crazy dude. | ||
| Well, like where the statue of him is in Jackson Square in New Orleans, there's that church that's behind it. | ||
| And this is why New Orleans is supposedly the most haunted city is because they'd had the most duels. | ||
| Because once Andrew Jackson contacted Jean Lafitte and was like, I need an army. | ||
| And Jean Lafitte was basically a gangster, which is basically someone that can get you anything. | ||
| Like that's what a connected guy does. | ||
| And so he got him freed slaves, Native Americans, Creoles, Cajuns, and just, you know, angry men. | ||
| And they repelled the British, but then they stayed. | ||
| And they just lived in the bars, and they were duel happy because their egos were so big. | ||
| And I've looked for these, and I can't find them. | ||
| What they had was dueling cards, where if you had one, it would say, Joe Rogan, have your face. | ||
| You know, probably that image. | ||
| And it would say, you know, dueling card. | ||
| And someone bumped into you, and you were like, you just give them your card and be like, see you in the morning, motherfucker. | ||
| And that means we're shooting it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You would duel over nothing. | ||
| And the guy, I went on this ghost tour, and the guy told me this story. | ||
| And he said, imagine the amount of guys who were hungover woke up like, oh, fuck, what did I do? | ||
| I got a duel now. | ||
| And you'd go behind that cemetery. | ||
| That's where they'd have their duel. | ||
| And imagine laying there with a bullet or a piece of round lead in your liver and going like, I'm dead over this shit. | ||
| Like, I stepped on my foot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| They'd keep cards. | ||
| Like dueling cards. | ||
| This is just like a picture of one. | ||
| They also said that a lot of times the duel wouldn't actually happen. | ||
| Like they might not actually shoot. | ||
| It was more of a test of will. | ||
| Of like, will you go through with it? | ||
| Yeah, it was all honor. | ||
| And they'd have to bring a second guy to verify that the duel actually went down and someone was a pussy or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy's got a book. | |
| I'm serious. | ||
| He's like the judge of the event. | ||
| He's got a book. | ||
| He's laying odds. | ||
| He's like, ah. | ||
| I think there's certain states where duels are legal. | ||
| I think they're still legal in Arizona, or they used to be, because there was a cop who shot someone in a duel years back. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was a weird thing. | ||
| A cop was off-duty, and he shot someone in a duel. | ||
| Oh, man, I want to say this is more than 10 years ago, so maybe they changed the law. | ||
| But I remember reading that going, what? | ||
| You duel? | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Texas? | ||
| Well, yeah, of course. | ||
| Fists only. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Fists only. | ||
| Oh, that ain't a fucking duel. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Mutual combat law. | ||
| How do you take 10 patients in mutual combat law? | ||
| Washington State has mutual combat law. | ||
| Because I know I watched a video of this dude who was a MMA fighter. | ||
| He used to dress up like a superhero and fuck people up. | ||
| He would like stop people from committing crimes and then fight them. | ||
| And then one video, Carlos Fodor, I think his name was, he was fighting someone in Seattle in front of cops. | ||
| Like, some guy agreed to fight him, and then you see right away what a terrible idea it is. | ||
| And he leg kicks the guy, and the guy's got this look on his face like, oh my god, you actually know how to fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he beats the shit out of this guy. | ||
| Phoenix Jones. | ||
| Yeah, that's what he'd call himself. | ||
| Phoenix Jones. | ||
| But look how he dressed. | ||
| But watch this. | ||
| There's a video of it. | ||
| You can see it on that one, too. | ||
| This is exactly it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| So... | ||
| The guy's like, fuck you, oh, fucking kick your ass. | ||
| And this is in front of the cops. | ||
| He's like, fuck you. | ||
| And he's like, you know, you think you're going to fuck? | ||
| And he's wearing this superhero costume on. | ||
| And he's like, give me some violence. | ||
| He's telling him to back up. | ||
| The guy's walking towards him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're on University Way between 45th and 47th. | |
| Suspect wearing an orange shirt. | ||
| So you see him wearing that outfit, and you think, oh, I could kick this guy's ass for sure. | ||
| Yeah, this guy's a clown. | ||
| This fucking cosplay dork. | ||
| But watch that. | ||
| Skip ahead. | ||
| He's like, okay. | ||
| So the guy wouldn't stop badgering him, and then finally, in front of the cops, they agreed to let these dudes duke it out. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| Let it go there. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Oh, that's when you know you made a mistake. | ||
| That first leg kick, you see the guy moving around. | ||
| And again, you got a useless, and he's trying to kick too. | ||
| He jabbed him to the body. | ||
| Oh, you fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| God, this guy's life. | ||
| That leg's done. | ||
| That leg's done. | ||
| That third leg kick's a real problem. | ||
| Oh, the fourth leg kick. | ||
| That guy is basically hopping around on one leg. | ||
| Now it's a beating. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's a wrap. | ||
| Mutual combat, you're right. | ||
| Yeah, it's a mutual combat law. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| And cops are standing by watching this guy get brained. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what's crazy is like it's very irresponsible for the cops because that's not a good fighting surface. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They should have a padded area that they set aside. | |
| There's a great line from a Bukowski novel where these guys are all gathering after like a night out or something and this guy's hungover and he's just like, He's like, I heard you got in a fight. | ||
| And he's just like, oh man, that guy had to be a pro. | ||
| Beat me so bad I shit myself. | ||
| That line always gets me. | ||
| Because it's that thing where it's like, when you fight someone who's whatever, okay, it's a fight. | ||
| But when you fight a pro, it's just done. | ||
| Well, it's like playing basketball if you don't know how to play basketball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| What a terrible thing. | ||
| Y'all play some one-on-one, and you don't even know how to dribble. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And this guy's dunking on you. | ||
| I'm like, shit! | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| Why did I agree to this? | ||
| Is there a state where it's legal to duel? | ||
| No. | ||
| But there's no firearm duel? | ||
| How long ago was it still legal? | ||
| The late 1800s, I believe. | ||
| So maybe this guy did it. | ||
| He was a cop. | ||
| He had a duel with a guy who was fucking his wife. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what's up. | ||
| He just killed the guy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't remember the story entirely. | ||
| He definitely killed somebody. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| He was a cop. | ||
| I remember the whole story being that it was very controversial, but it was legal. | ||
| Maybe I'm remembering it all fucked up. | ||
| Might have been more than 10 years ago. | ||
| Five places where it's okay to shoot someone? | ||
| Not the United States. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Yeah, it's like international waters. | ||
| International waters. | ||
| You could have a duel on a cruise ship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| How does that work? | ||
| Like if you're on one of them carnival cruises and some guy insults your name and throws jello at you? | ||
| The laws of the ship are whichever country it's registered to. | ||
| I didn't even think of that. | ||
| I know about the international waters, but a cruise ship would be out and that's nuts. | ||
| You know what I worry about cruise ships? | ||
| That I would be on the deck when some guy throws his wife off the side of the boat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you've got to do something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because that does happen. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Husband and wife went on a cruise. | ||
| The wife went missing. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| I went to bed early. | ||
| Patricia kept partying. | ||
| Yeah, we had an argument, but we were deeply in love. | ||
| And we had a couple of drinks. | ||
| I know people saw us screaming, and I might have slapped her a couple times, but boy, I love her, and her disappearing. | ||
| And what's fucked up, I learned from a buddy of mine who was on, he was with the Second City Touring Company, or Turco, and they were on a cruise ship, and he was telling me that they found out that, like, all the food you don't eat, they grind it all up and just shoot it out in the water. | ||
| So that attracts game fish, and the game fish attracts sharks. | ||
| So anytime there's a cruise ship, there's just sharks all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if you went overboard, there's not a lot of hope. | ||
| Oh, good Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you see that video of that woman in Hawaii swimming around with the largest known great white shark? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's a more than 20 foot long great white shark. | ||
| And this is not like guesswork. | ||
| She's just swimming around? | ||
| Swimming with it. | ||
| Yeah, in the water swimming with it. | ||
| Yeah, she's got an Instagram page just filled with photos of her and this shark. | ||
| Fuck me. | ||
| Off Oahu. | ||
| It's so big. | ||
| It's so big it doesn't even look real. | ||
| And she's just swimming alongside this thing. | ||
| It's a female shark. | ||
| It's like 20 feet long at least. | ||
| So she just saw it and just swum up? | ||
| I think she's like an expert. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| I got stuck in another article about the duel. | ||
| Sorry to go back. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| U.S. Oregon has a law that they were trying to get rid of two years ago. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm trying to find out where they currently are. | ||
| Why's that guy got his gun where his dick is? | ||
| That's a stupid place to put your gun. | ||
| That's a bad holster, sir. | ||
| But it's still that Republicans have proposed to scrap a 172-year-old ban on duels for public officials. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| In an attempt to highlight how many arcane laws are still upheld by the state constitution. | ||
| That's where I'm from. | ||
| I never knew I could have been dueling all this on my whole childhood. | ||
| Well, no, they're trying to scrap the ban. | ||
| So they're trying to reinstate bans to let people know how stupid these old laws are that are still in the books. | ||
| They decided it would not be very civil if two members of this legislature disagreed and then shot each other on the front steps of the provisional capital. | ||
| It's a bad look. | ||
| It's a bad look. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'd kind of be cool, though, to see, like, Ted Cruz and Paul Ryan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, standing on... | ||
| Back-to-back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have to use the muskets with, like, one cock, and that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| One shot, and that's it. | ||
| I like, in the upper right-hand corner, MAGA hat boy refuses to apologize in an infuriating interview. | ||
| That kid looked drugged and coached. | ||
| Like, he was just... | ||
| Probably both. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They probably put him on some Prozac. | ||
| Get out there, little fella. | ||
| Apparently, that Native American guy, though, they did an interview with him, and it was a disaster because he said a bunch of things that just absolutely weren't true, and they're questioning whether or not he actually was in Vietnam. | ||
| He definitely didn't serve in Vietnam, but he wasn't in combat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, you know, he had some... | ||
| Some conflicting stories. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| None of these people were prepared for this kind of attention. | ||
| You know, it's like I was offended as hell by those kids, and I'm a fucking big old bleeding heart lefty for sure, and I hate those fucking hats, but like... | ||
| At the same time, every teenage boy is a fucking idiot. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| But those boys were standing there doing their school chants while these... | ||
| There's a long video, and the video's two hours long. | ||
| I haven't watched it, but I've watched segments of it. | ||
| And in the segments of it, you see those Native American guys walk up to those boys and chant with their drums. | ||
| So they're all there for different reasons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the boys were there for the March for Life, which is a pro-life march. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they're from a Catholic school. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're wearing their stupid red hats. | ||
| And then the Native American guy was there for a different reason. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there were a couple. | ||
| It was a Native American celebration that's there yearly. | ||
| And you'd think they'd coordinate these things because there's all these different sort of marches going on. | ||
| And that's our right as citizens. | ||
| But it's just that they're all the Lincoln Memorial together. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, not only that, these boys did not have a good chaperone. | ||
| These boys were wild. | ||
| They said something like, it's not rape if you enjoy it. | ||
| If you enjoy it. | ||
| Yeah, one kid yelled that. | ||
| And again, by the way, there's 40 kids. | ||
| If you have one asshole kid, it doesn't mean everybody should be beat up because one of your stupid fucking classmates says something really dumb because he thinks he's funny and he's 15. I sat in an assembly once where a friend of mine was in Chicago, and a friend of mine was doing a play, and they were doing a scene from the play on stage, and a woman would come on stage, and these boys, I'm behind them, and they're saying the worst shit I can imagine. | ||
| And it's just like, Jesus Christ! | ||
| And it's the race to the bottom with boys, where it's like, who can say the worst thing? | ||
| I can. | ||
| I can. | ||
| I can yell the N-word. | ||
| Shows your tits! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just trying to make each other laugh. | ||
| Because what's the worst thing? | ||
| Rape. | ||
| And so this kid's going to yell something about rape. | ||
| They're children. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do feel they need better supervision. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| They do, for sure. | ||
| But they shouldn't be judged publicly on a global scale like this. | ||
| It's not fair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I disagree with pretty much everything them and their parents stand for and stuff, but... | ||
| It's their right to demonstrate, you know what I mean? | ||
| They're too young to know what the fuck they're even demonstrating about to really have a good argument about it. | ||
| To bring kids to a pro-life demonstration and have them chant and yell their school songs and put on MAGA hats. | ||
| The whole thing is so fucked up. | ||
| It's really—well, we're—I mean, back to what I said about anxiety. | ||
| It's just we're at each other's fucking throats. | ||
| I mean, I have a bit in my act about how, like, I feel like the internet was built for us to tear each other apart because we're just throwing darts and running away. | ||
| And if you put us in a room together and talk it out, I think we would, mano a mano. | ||
| We all want the same thing deep down inside. | ||
| We all want to take care of our kids. | ||
| We all want to have fun. | ||
| We all want a bountiful life. | ||
| But I also say, I'm also like, I love people, but I fucking hate people. | ||
| It's like if you go through a whole day without speaking to another human being, you ever had one of those days? | ||
| Fuck, that was awesome isolation. | ||
| That was delicious. | ||
| It's only if you have too much though, right? | ||
| If you get around people too much, then those days where you just, you can just recharge. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you appreciate people when you see them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like, do you get that where you go to, you're on the way to the comedy store and you're like, I don't want to fucking go. | ||
| Like, I don't want to go up right now. | ||
| I'm like, something's messed with me. | ||
| But it's like that with therapy. | ||
| Comedy sometimes, and the gym sometimes. | ||
| Where it's like, I don't want to fucking go, but every time I'm glad I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Yeah, I know what you're saying. | ||
| I could have a set where I'd eat shit, and I'll drive home laughing. | ||
| And I'm just like, well, that didn't work. | ||
| The thing that bothers me most about this is that they want to dox these kids and put their address out there. | ||
| I'm not in favor of that, ever. | ||
| It's just so foolish. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| They're treating them like they're rational adults that are, you know, fucking 50 years old that really know what they're doing. | ||
| No, and it's not going to solve anything. | ||
| You're not going to convert these kids' hearts and minds by ruining their lives. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I do understand the double standard we have had with, like, black youth, though, where it's kind of like, you know, this kid gets strangled to death for selling cigarettes. | ||
| Be like, yeah, he's a criminal. | ||
| It's like, goddammit. | ||
| You know, whereas these kids, honestly, because they're white, are getting chance after chance after chance. | ||
| But... | ||
| I don't think their lives should be ruined. | ||
| It's like, I feel like we've talked enough about it. | ||
| These kids did what they did. | ||
| Let's move on. | ||
| Yeah, well then, you know, who knows if they're getting chance after chance. | ||
| But during this situation, like, this is the consequences of social media. | ||
| The fact that you could take a video of someone doing something incredibly stupid when they're 16 years old. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And what they did was not even that stupid. | ||
| All they did was stand there and smirk. | ||
| And people wanted him dead. | ||
| He was being a shithead. | ||
| Okay, but was he? | ||
| If he's just standing there and someone comes up to him beating a drum? | ||
| How are you supposed to react? | ||
| How do you think you would react? | ||
| I feel like the kid walked up to the Native Americans, though. | ||
| No, incorrect. | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
| The kid was standing there. | ||
| The Native American walked up to him beating the drum. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Got right up to his face. | ||
| That's another video. | ||
| That's not what happened. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| That kid wasn't in the video while the Native American gentleman was standing there pounding his drum. | ||
| There are kids around him, but that kid, the main kid, wasn't there. | ||
| He walked. | ||
| He ended up walking up to him. | ||
| Okay, but the video that I saw, the kid was standing there, and that guy walked up to him. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| This is two hours. | ||
| There's video of these people that's two hours long. | ||
| And the video that I saw, those kids were standing there chanting and that guy walked to those kids and was beating his drum. | ||
| If that one specific kid walked down, but still that guy instigated it by walking to them beating the drum. | ||
| Not only that, that guy got in that kid's face and beat that drum inches away from his face. | ||
| I'm only talking about that kid. | ||
| I thought that kid walked up to the Native American guy. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| The Native American guy walked up to the whole group of kids. | ||
| To be fair, I haven't seen all of that video. | ||
| The Native American guy said that they were saying, build that wall, build that wall, but there's no evidence of that. | ||
| The problem is the guy's a human. | ||
| The Native American guy's a human, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's probably... | ||
| Not prepared at all for this kind of scrutiny. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No one is. | ||
| There was an interview that he did with CNN that is just full of holes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And it doesn't match up to the video. | ||
| It doesn't match up to what happened. | ||
| You can pull that article. | ||
| But you try to find that article, the CNN article. | ||
| There was an article about the article that I read. | ||
| Either way. | ||
| Yeah, I'm just inundated at this point with all of it. | ||
| I will say, like, you know, I've said for years, probably 15, 20 years now, I'm so glad YouTube did not exist when I was in high school. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Or anything. | ||
| Facebook, Twitter, the things you would say on Twitter, Snapchat, or any of those things. | ||
| Yeah, and I mean, I did not grow up like my parents' generation being mildly racist if you're white. | ||
| I grew up pretty woke, as the kids say, in Portland, Oregon. | ||
| Well, you were in Chicago. | ||
| Chicago's pretty left-wing. | ||
| Well, Chicago, I wasn't there until... | ||
| I was born in Chicago, but I grew up in Portland. | ||
| Oh, that's even more woke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but it was also—it's funny. | ||
| We had right-wing Nazi groups moving in when I was in high school, gangs from L.A. and then from Central Oregon and further toward Idaho. | ||
| You had this guy named Metzger who had like a little camp you could go party in. | ||
| If you've seen American History X, it was just like that. | ||
| You'd drink free beer and they'd play punk rock music. | ||
| And the thing that— Everyone misses when they look at those groups, be it a gang or a white supremacist skinhead group or whatever. | ||
| It's a community for people, and that's where they look at it first. | ||
| And then they form communities, sadly, overfocusing hate. | ||
| But I just feel like... | ||
| The kids back here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which kid? | ||
| So they're all... | ||
| They walked up to them banging the drums... | ||
| And he's standing there. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There's a kid. | ||
| Right, but he's just standing there. | ||
| The guy walked right up to him. | ||
| You're showing me in the video, the guy walking up to the kid. | ||
| This is exactly what I said, Jamie. | ||
| He walked right up to the kid. | ||
| My point here was this is the video I saw. | ||
| I mean, aren't these kids all mocking the traditional Native American music and rhythms, though? | ||
| That Native American guy just walked up to that kid and got in his face. | ||
| It's as clear as day. | ||
| I was just bringing up this angle here. | ||
| He's standing here. | ||
| There's a group of kids around him. | ||
| The kid's way over here. | ||
| You're micromanaging this thing. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| This is the worst Zapruder film. | ||
| They walked up to the kids. | ||
| He walked up to the kids. | ||
| And he walked up to that kid specifically. | ||
| Got in his face. | ||
| There was a certain amount of separation between them. | ||
| He walked to the kid and got in his face while he was beating the drum. | ||
| Play it again. | ||
| I'm playing it right now. | ||
| He's walking. | ||
| He's walking, and the kid's standing there, and when the kid's standing there, he walks up to the kid. | ||
| And they're doing the tomahawk chop. | ||
| They think it's funny. | ||
| Do they understand that people are filming? | ||
| They don't. | ||
| So, here he goes. | ||
| The whole thing is so strange. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| Because what are you supposed to do when someone walks up to you beating a drum? | ||
| So there's the kid, the kid's standing there, and the Native American guy now walks up to him completely violating his space. | ||
| Now imagine if this is a man doing this to a woman. | ||
| You'd say, okay, he's violating her space 100%. | ||
| This is fucked up and aggressive. | ||
| And that's what this guy's doing. | ||
| He's singing in this kid's face. | ||
| It's a little kid. | ||
| And what is the kid supposed to do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Should he walk away? | ||
| Should he say, I'm sorry that someone in the past stole your ancestor's land? | ||
| What is he supposed to do? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's... | ||
| No, I'm not saying, yes, do that. | ||
| I'm saying, what is the... | ||
| Like, the question is, what does a kid do? | ||
| But, I mean, it's just... | ||
| He's... | ||
| I get why this guy's approaching because it's a river of people mocking him and his culture. | ||
| I get it, but why this one kid? | ||
| And why get right in this guy's face where you're beating a drum inches from this kid's face? | ||
| Yeah, that is the question. | ||
| And look, it's the fucking hat, man. | ||
| That goddamn polarizing stupid hat. | ||
| I hate that hat so much. | ||
| Look, he's even closer to him. | ||
| He's put the drum off to the side so he can get closer to this kid's face. | ||
| I mean, is he expecting the kid to walk away? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But the kid doesn't do anything, but he's blinking because the beating of the drum is so close to his eyes. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The whole thing is very weird. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| Staring that kid down. | ||
| I mean, why wouldn't he walk away? | ||
| Just to defy him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would he? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Everyone else walked away. | ||
| But does he have to? | ||
| Doesn't have to. | ||
| I mean, he's standing there and the guy decides to get in his face. | ||
| Do you think you would walk away? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| If someone walked away. | ||
| Because the camera was there. | ||
| If that guy walked up on me, I would definitely move, I think. | ||
| I would probably move too because I would be scared. | ||
| If that guy got in my face like that, I'd think that guy's going to hit me. | ||
| I would think something's going to go wrong. | ||
| I'm like, this is just too weird. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not the kids. | ||
| He's 16, man. | ||
| It's a grown-up's fault for getting in a 16-year-old kid's face beating a drum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That fucking hat, man. | ||
| Yeah, but it's also the Native American man rightly felt like he was being mocked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that his traditions and his heritage is being mocked by these little kids. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I don't think he had the right to walk up on the kid like that, but it's like, where's your breaking point? | ||
| Well, wait a minute. | ||
| I don't think he doesn't have the right... | ||
| But this is where confrontation comes from. | ||
| Do you have the right to make confrontation? | ||
| Yeah, maybe, perhaps. | ||
| Maybe, perhaps. | ||
| But that's not really the best way to communicate. | ||
| You're singing a song, a Native American song, and he doesn't know what the fuck you're singing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you're doing it inches from his face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And everyone's... | ||
| It's really a sign of the times that people took clips of that and they made it out like this little kid's a cunt and even Reza Aslan had on his... | ||
| Have you ever seen a more punchable face? | ||
| Like, man... | ||
| You're calling for violence on a kid? | ||
| Is that what you're doing? | ||
| It's the same, you know, level of... | ||
| And again, you know, those kids, like, even when you were pulling that clip up, I could feel my stomach make a fist from like, oh, this just... | ||
| I don't want to see this, but... | ||
| It's like that kid at the Cub game who had the game in his earphones and he caught the ball, which the outfielder was definitely not going to catch anyway, and they blamed him for the Cubs' loss of the series and they had to squirt that kid out. | ||
| I thought the kid reached forward, though. | ||
| He did, but if you look at the tape, I don't think that outfielder had it. | ||
| The outfielder was pointing like, you fucked up, kid. | ||
| Like, you ruined it. | ||
| And it was kind of this, well, I understand, when you're playing Major League ball, one mistake could mean the end of your career and your family's out. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think that's different. | ||
| When I saw that, I thought that kid fucked up the game. | ||
| It could be argued, yes. | ||
| Do you know what I'm talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Yeah, but that's like, you're saying it's blaming one tiny play on the entire game and you can't do that. | ||
| And the fact that, back to your point of punch the kid in the face, that kid had to be escorted out of Wrigley Field because people were going to kill him. | ||
| There were drunk people that were going to throw that kid into traffic. | ||
| Can we see that video of the guy catching that ball? | ||
| Yeah, please pull that up. | ||
| I think that kid actually did fuck up that game. | ||
| I think the difference is that kid reached into the playing field. | ||
| What he did was definitely wrong and illegal and everything. | ||
| Yeah, let's check it out. | ||
| Tail of the tape. | ||
| Crack! | ||
| There's the ball! | ||
| It's going! | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Let me see, one more time. | ||
| Back that up. | ||
| Back that up. | ||
| No, no, no, but just back it up. | ||
| Okay, so it's slow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I mean, I think I take it back. | ||
| I had, I had, I think... | ||
| Hey, one more time, man. | ||
| I think I remembered it wrong. | ||
| Oh, yeah, they stole it from him. | ||
| They stole it from him. | ||
| Fuck, I take it all back. | ||
| He had the ball. | ||
| I take it all back. | ||
| That kid fucked it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They literally did. | ||
| He took it. | ||
| He literally took it from him in the playing field. | ||
| Ah, you little cunt. | ||
| He's got spray on him. | ||
| People probably threw beers on him. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It was the thing of threatening a kid's life. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| But also, if you're a kid and the ball's right there, you're going to reach for it. | ||
| You're not going to be thinking this guy's going to catch or not going to catch it. | ||
| You have the chance to catch the ball. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| You're going to catch it. | ||
| Did you see that clip from Letterman from like, I don't know, 30 years ago or something? | ||
| It was like the lineup was this famous person, this famous person, and just a rando, like a name. | ||
| You're like, who? | ||
| And he brought this guy out, and it was like a middle-aged guy in a ball cap. | ||
| Letterman's like, you know, I just... | ||
| I think you're the greatest living American. | ||
| And the guy's like, ah, well. | ||
| And he's like, roll the tape. | ||
| And they show, just like that, home run. | ||
| And it's going, it's going, it's going. | ||
| And this guy just has a beer and he's not looking. | ||
| And you hear the announcer go, oh my god. | ||
| And the ball hits the beer. | ||
| And the guy's like, he gets hit. | ||
| And he's like, oh shit. | ||
| And everyone's kind of laughing at him. | ||
| He's like, home run. | ||
| There goes my beer. | ||
| And then innings later, same line, same run, same guy. | ||
| And the announcer goes, you have got to be kidding. | ||
| And the ball just hits the same guy, like, again. | ||
| Like, twice, same game. | ||
| Letterman had him on. | ||
| And it was like, you know, minor league or something like that. | ||
| Like, you'd never... | ||
| It wouldn't be on, like, the nightly news. | ||
| But it was just like, what are the fucking odds? | ||
| How many people have ever been hit in the head by a line drive? | ||
| I would imagine that would fuck you up. | ||
| That would hurt. | ||
| Like, you'd be so... | ||
| You'd probably never be the same again. | ||
| No. | ||
| Because when I was a kid, Tony Conigliaro in Boston during the Red Sox, it was actually like I was very young at the time. | ||
| It might actually have happened before I lived there, but it was like the story that everybody was told. | ||
| He got hit in the head with a pitch, and he was never the same again. | ||
| And it was one of the reasons why they started wearing batting helmets. | ||
| There was a kid who got hit in the chest and his heart stopped. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, because that doesn't happen that often, but it just makes your heart just go whoop. | ||
| It just knocks it out. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| It's horrifying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a rock. | |
| It's a rock covered with leather. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, you feel a hardball. | ||
| That fucking thing is dense. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, soccer was originally kicking a head around. | ||
| But that's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| In Aztec culture. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Like, it was after, like, a battle. | ||
| They'd just take a head and kick it around. | ||
| And that was, like, where the game... | ||
| Is that where soccer came from? | ||
| From what I've read, yeah. | ||
| I knew they had some weird Mayan game where they played football and... | ||
| Mayan. | ||
| That's what I'm thinking. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And I think that they decided... | ||
| They used to think that they played and then the winner sacrificed the losing team. | ||
| And now there was also some speculation that it could have been the opposite. | ||
| That the winning team was sacrificed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was like, that might have been the fucking slowest game ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I can't, whoops, ball got by me. | |
| You scored again. | ||
| But the idea was that you would play with such courage, knowing that you were going to win and then you were going to get killed. | ||
| But you still wanted to win. | ||
| Yeah, the level of honor that it was had to be so high that you're like, my family will never want for anything ever again, so I'm just going to... | ||
| Or the level of drugs that you were taking to play that game that way. | ||
| It's like, you know, an assassin comes from Hashishin, you know, where this guy would just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| This guy in what we call the Middle East, basically, he was like, how do you kill a king? | ||
| You've got to get an assassin who doesn't care if he dies. | ||
| So you get him high on hash? | ||
| He built a garden of delights where he had naked women just hanging around like prostitutes and like flowing waterfalls. | ||
| And he would just get a peasant and smoke him up so much. | ||
| And he was like, do you want to see heaven? | ||
| And he'd be like, yeah. | ||
| And he'd take him in the room and be like, check it out. | ||
| And he's like, I have the door to heaven. | ||
| And if you kill the sultan in the town square tomorrow, you're here. | ||
| And so a guy would just run up and stab this guy to death and the guard would murder him. | ||
| But that was how you get a guy. | ||
| You trick a person. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So it's kind of like, it's probably the same thing where that level of drugs where you're like, if I win, they cut my head off, but I go to Valhalla or whatever their version of heaven is. | ||
| Human sacrifice is always such a strange thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The idea of going to sacrifice like a living life to the gods. | ||
| This was such a common thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kill people for somebody else. | ||
| It's common. | ||
| It's like going to the game. | ||
| Are you going to go watch that guy get his heart torn out? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to take my kid, get some popcorn, couple Bud Lights. | ||
| I was reading that book, not Primate, what is it called? | ||
| Sapiens. | ||
| Yeah, Sapiens. | ||
| And there's a story about Certain cultures that were would kill like the older people. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| They would kill like and this guy who had killed a few of his aunts and all the old women were terrified of him because he would sneak up behind them when they got too old because they were, you know, they were gatherers. | ||
| Sorry for laughing. | ||
| They were nomadic people and he would hit them with an axe. | ||
| And they're talking to these people and I'm like, Jesus Christ, imagine you're gonna kill your aunt with an axe? | ||
| Well, then imagine getting to a certain, like your birthday party, you blow out the candles and you just spin around. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| Get away from me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just expecting this guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the craziest stories that I ever heard was during the temple, I think you say it, Teotocon, one of the large Aztec temples. | ||
| When they completed the temple, they sacrificed... | ||
| Something like 80,000 people over the course of two days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Duh! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Pull that up. | ||
| Temple of Tua Khan. | ||
| I think it's outside of Mexico City. | ||
| And when the Aztecs constructed this, when it was finally completed, they essentially sacrificed all the slaves that were used to build it. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they just covered this... | ||
| Fucking gigantic temple with blood of 80,000 people that they butchered on the spot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Over days. | ||
| Took days to kill everybody. | ||
| Yeah, that's a lot of butchering. | ||
| That's a lot of murder. | ||
| That's exhausting levels of murder. | ||
| It's so much so that I had told a friend this story, and he was like, that's not true. | ||
| I'm like, I'm telling you, it's true. | ||
| Why would I lie? | ||
| He's one of those guys that's doing the math. | ||
| We had to get to a place where there's service and Google it. | ||
| Yeah, it's just daunting. | ||
| Yeah, 80,000 people. | ||
| And these are the very people that built the thing. | ||
| Well, I mean, that was the way. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Oh, we're done. | ||
| All right, kill them. | ||
| Well, that was one of the weirder things about going to Chichen Itza, was there's this one platform that was just designed for sacrifice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They would kill people on this platform, and it was set up like a bench. | ||
| There was legs and a head, like someone was holding this bench in place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They would just chop a head off and roll down the fucking stairs. | ||
| Probably like a little head slide kind of thing. | ||
| What do you think the fascination with that is? | ||
| This idea of killing someone to appease the gods. | ||
| Was it because everyone was afraid to die so that when you could force someone to do it in front of everyone, force someone to die in front of everyone and sacrifice them, as long as there was enough distance between you and them, there would be this charge of excitement and Very Machiavellian, for sure. | ||
| It's, you know, power perceived is power achieved. | ||
| If you see anyone can die, you fall in line real fast. | ||
| And I think it's also the unpredictability of life itself. | ||
| So it's like, hey, look, we're going to kill 80 people, but we're going to have no storms for the next couple months. | ||
| People are like, it's no one I know? | ||
| Yeah, fuck them. | ||
| Especially if you have some, like, elder who, like, some shaman who tells you that this is the only way we're going to stop the storms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People believe fucking anything. | ||
| Did you get to Tempo Tiwakon? | ||
| I finally found it. | ||
| It says somewhere between, there's a recorded article in 2011, the story today, 84,000 people, but it says this is a disputed number. | ||
| Could be down to 4,000 maybe. | ||
| The numbers disputed, however, some say as few as 4,000 were sacrificed in what was actually a re-consecration of the Templo Mayor in 1487. Nevertheless, scores were killed. | ||
| So, one thought is, 1487 the Aztecs recorded that 84,000 people were slaughtered in four days. | ||
| Self-sacrifice was common and individuals would pierce their ears, tongues, and genitals to nourish the floors of the temples with their blood. | ||
| Unsurprisingly, there is evidence that Mexico was already suffering from a demographic crisis before the Spanish arrived. | ||
| Yeah, the Spanish probably came in at the perfect time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is how you say it. | ||
| The Great Pyramid of Tenochtitlan. | ||
| Tenochtitlan. | ||
| Is that how you say it? | ||
| That seems... | ||
| Tenochtitlan. | ||
| That seems like... | ||
| I've seen that written differently. | ||
| Tenochtitlan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tenochtitlan. | |
| Tenochtitlan. | ||
| Does it tell you how to say it? | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tenochtitlan. | |
| I think that's the Mexican pronunciation. | ||
| I'm not sure though. | ||
| Tenochtitlan. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's right. | ||
| Come up with better names, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, a lot of people. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It also said those games that they were playing where the people were decapitated, they might have been rigged. | ||
| They weren't sure if they were rigged, but they might have just been fake games to kill people. | ||
| Whoops, I lost. | ||
| I mean, there's got to be a team that people like better. | ||
| They're more fun, those guys. | ||
| Yeah, they live. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These are guys you want around. | ||
| Gotta sell tickets. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| We kill those guys. | ||
| We got no one in the stadium next week. | ||
| Screw up the whole game. | ||
| It is weird that all cultures agree that one of the best ways to appease the mass is to have these large sporting events where people gather around to watch this mock warfare take place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like how the... | ||
| When Shaka Zulu came in, they were just fighting like mock wars. | ||
| And they were just like with fake, you know, swords and spears. | ||
| And he just ran out and started stabbing people. | ||
| And they're like, what are you doing? | ||
| And he's like, I'm trying to win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It doesn't work that way, bro. | ||
| We're trying to fake it. | ||
| Yeah, like if we escalated past like football and football, like something way more violent came along. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But not quite war. | ||
| Like duels. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It's like, I'm glad we're not there. | ||
| As much as I have my problems with concussions and football and stuff, it's just, yeah, I guess that's a good, like, what would be the next thing? | ||
| You can kind of get away with playing football if you get out early enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they're saying that even kids in high school have CTE. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| Do you see what they do in Russia where they have those five-on-five MMA fights? | ||
| They have gang fights? | ||
| They meet on football fields? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Russians are always taking it to the next place. | ||
| I saw that one you put up in somewhere in Eastern Europe and it's just one big bald bull looking guy fighting like five guys. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I think that's Russian too. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Yeah, these couple guys decided to try to take on a giant. | ||
| Yeah, that guy was a giant. | ||
| That guy was like a dude that breaks rocks and like fee-fi-fo-fum. | ||
| I smell the blood of an Englishman. | ||
| Fee-fi-fo-fum. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do kids even learn that story anymore? | ||
| The fee-fi-fo-fum? | ||
| Probably, yeah. | ||
| Why don't they write some new ones? | ||
| Why are we telling these old ass stories? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you see that movie about the troll hunter? | ||
| Where that guy goes out into Scandinavia and he hunts trolls and there's actual giant monster trolls? | ||
| Oh yeah, I remember that movie. | ||
| That was a fun, stupid movie. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| And one thing I loved about it was it was like, are any of you a Christian? | ||
| Tell me right now. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| And they're like, no. | ||
| And there's one guy who like secretly was and the troll could smell his blood. | ||
| I smell the blood of an Englishman. | ||
| I was like, oh, that's such an awesome angle. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| You know, it's just like that's because he's like he's like a scientist. | ||
| He's like, I know what these guys are after. | ||
| They want to chew up Christian people. | ||
| See if you can find the clip for the trailer for Troll Hunter, because it's so stupid. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's a good movie to get high and watch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I love stuff that's like there's a giant thing in the distance, like, coming. | ||
| That's a big thing if I'm high, where I'm just like, what if King Kong just came from behind that building right now? | ||
| Yeah, give me some volume. | ||
| Sometimes you get to see a unique film. | ||
| Imagine if there really were trolls. | ||
| Just... | ||
| It's just eating goats. | ||
| Yeah, this is like a foreign film. | ||
| Yeah, it's somewhere in, I think, Norway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Norway. | |
| Well, that's a lot of people think. | ||
| It says, do you think Michael Moore gave up after the first try? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Documentary like, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They're doing like a Blair Witch Project thing, but with trolls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but give me a little distance in this. | ||
| I'm tired of seeing this build up. | ||
| I want to see the fucking troll. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They show it in the trailer? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| They don't? | ||
| There he is. | ||
| She's wrecked. | ||
| I'm Christian! | ||
| I love that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Look at it. | ||
| It's so dumb looking. | ||
| He just mushed that guy. | ||
| Oh, so many trolls. | ||
| Oh, that's rad. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love monsters. | ||
| I love monsters. | ||
| If there was something that big, we would have never gotten to where we are. | ||
| We'd all be holed up in caves right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they'd probably be like the tech millionaires are like the guys who like... | ||
| Control one of those. | ||
| Like, he's just sitting on his head. | ||
| And he's like, kill those people. | ||
| You know, crush that house. | ||
| Is that what you think? | ||
| It would be tech millionaires that would do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, but like, the people that are the richer, richest person. | |
| No, it would not be a tech person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You. | |
| I think you would have a troll. | ||
| You'd be sitting on a troll. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Weird opinion to me. | ||
| Zuckerberg. | ||
| He would have a troll. | ||
| He would pay someone to, like, train a troll or something like that. | ||
| He'd find, like, a troll trainer. | ||
| Let me ask you that. | ||
| Are you worried at all about AI? Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In what way? | ||
| I just wonder when it's going to get out of our control because the technology is escalating beyond our comprehension. | ||
| But yet you drive a Tesla. | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| So you're contributing to it a little bit. | ||
| A little bit, yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| Look. | ||
| We all are. | ||
| It's, you know, I am a dipshit in a lot of ways. | ||
| I'm an idiot in a lot of ways. | ||
| And I know you can hack a Tesla. | ||
| I know you can... | ||
| Yeah, but they're awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, if you guys drive a car. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| They're apparently not doing so well. | ||
| There was some article that I read today where they were talking about the letter that Elon Musk sent to all the people that worked for him saying that you're going to have to work harder, but our goal is to try to save the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody wants to hear that shit when they work for a company. | ||
| I mean, and really? | ||
| That's not what you were going for before. | ||
| Well, I think his goal is ultimately to reduce our attachment to fossil fuels, which can help save our environment. | ||
| I'm definitely with that. | ||
| Cut way down on factory farming with meat. | ||
| Yeah, I'm all in favor with all that stuff and making way more things electric. | ||
| It's like, why don't we have solar panels on literally everything? | ||
| Well, especially in California. | ||
| Yeah, I mean us. | ||
| We have sun everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| And we have an amazing source of light. | ||
| But apparently, you know, there's a lot of money involved. | ||
| I know this sounds crazy. | ||
| There's a lot of money involved in staying with the grid as it is. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They've got to keep those nuclear power plants running. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We love them so much, driving to San Diego, sightseeing. | ||
| Well, the old ones, they didn't even have a way to shut down. | ||
| Like, old power plants, when they would make them, they can't stop them. | ||
| They probably figured, we'll figure it out eventually. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's put it off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One day. | ||
| One day we'll figure it out. | ||
| Someone smarter than us will come along. | ||
| They'll fix it. | ||
| Yeah, when you really hear about natural disasters and solar flares and asteroid impacts, you just realize how fucking fragile this weird system that we have of a power grid and satellites to distribute information and the internet is actually a bunch of wires on the ocean floor that connect us to Europe. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| There's wires that are 4,000 miles long? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of like the human body. | ||
| Like, it's remarkably resilient, but it's so fragile. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Super fragile. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One infection, and that's a wrap. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yet if someone's drunk enough, they can fall off a building, hit everything going down in land like something made a nerf, and get up. | ||
| Sometimes, right? | ||
| Like, I've watched a video of a guy who was in a high-speed chase with the cops, and he had a Corvette, and he flipped a Corvette, and literally went flying out of it like he was a doll. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| Head over heels, head over heels. | ||
| Guy was fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Landed on his back on the desert floor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You got some volume playing in the background, Jamie. | ||
| I hear that. | ||
| Oh, there it is. | ||
| I'm glad you could hear that, too. | ||
| Those things, they just pop up every now and then. | ||
| There's been a radio interference I've been hearing sometimes, and I can't tell if you guys are hearing it, too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I've heard it a couple times, but no one else has mentioned it. | ||
| You ever heard songs in your fillings? | ||
| Some people have recorded that they hear radio sounds in their fillings. | ||
| Yeah, they pick up wavelengths. | ||
| Yeah, like your filling will somehow or another catch some radio sound and play it in your phone. | ||
| How maddening would that be? | ||
| That would be so awful! | ||
| You hear a Mexican radio station playing out of your mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No! | ||
| You've got a fucking plier to your mouth in the middle of the night so you can sleep. | ||
| Ugh, that'd be fucking brutal. | ||
| Well, listen, dude, your special, when it comes out, will be available in February, right? | ||
| Yeah, February 5th. | ||
| And it'll be available everywhere. | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| You'll be able to get it on... | ||
| Tell me all the places. | ||
| Amazon... | ||
| Amazon, iTunes, Google Play. | ||
| I think it's going to be on Steam, weirdly enough, the video game platform. | ||
| It's going to be all over the place. | ||
| You can stream it. | ||
| You can buy it. | ||
| It's going to come out in vinyl eventually. | ||
| Vinyl? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You put it on vinyl? | ||
| I always put probably about a thousand out in vinyl if people want to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's called Finally Live in Portland, and the whole title is like fake tattoos, like the dummies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where'd you film it? | ||
| At the Paris, a former porn theater in downtown Portland. | ||
| Oh, they had a porn theater? | ||
| When I was a kid, there were always like, you know, sluts and butts and stuff like that on the marquee. | ||
| And then it was, yeah, see? | ||
| So that'll be the cover of the vinyl. | ||
| That Helium in Portland is amazing. | ||
| I love that club. | ||
| That fucking place is great. | ||
| I told them where to put it. | ||
| They were like, where would you put a comedy club? | ||
| I was like, Southeast Portland, close to the water, so people who live on the west side can come across the bridge really easy. | ||
| You'll have a lot more space that way. | ||
| And yeah, they've kept it running strong, and it's awesome. | ||
| It's a great place to perform, man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's another one that's designed with the low ceiling. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| No, it's well set up. | ||
| And you've got to come on advice from a dipshit. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because you would kill it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm good at giving shitty advice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| All right. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, thank you, brother. | ||
| Dude, this is a joy. | ||
| Thanks for having me. | ||
| Tell people how to get a hold of you. | ||
| It's just Bronger on Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, and Twitter. | ||
| Just B-R-A-U-N-G-E-R and then mattbronger.com for all my shows. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
| Thanks, Joe. | ||
| Thank you. |
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