Aug. 23, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:49:43
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Fuck yes. | ||
| Dude, I love the video that Tommy made. | ||
| Oh, Tommy. | ||
| The fucking animation. | ||
| You gotta go check out Tommy's animation, that motherfucker. | ||
| Where is it at now? | ||
| Where can you get it? | ||
| We're live? | ||
| We're live. | ||
| Where can you get that animation? | ||
| I guarantee you on Tom's Instagram. | ||
| Is it available? | ||
| Dude, he paid for that. | ||
| I know he did. | ||
| He paid for that. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| He showed it to me last night at the Ice House. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| Whoever did that is really talented. | ||
| It's very funny stuff. | ||
| His fans are the most creative fans ever. | ||
| Dude, he's got fans in Indonesia who teach English to children, and all they do is teach them how to say, bird is fat. | ||
| And jeans. | ||
| And jeans. | ||
| Let's say jeans. | ||
| High and tight. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| He's got a weird niche. | ||
| Him and his wife together on that podcast. | ||
| It's a weird, silly show. | ||
| The six of us should go out to eat one night. | ||
| Because watching the two of them interact, it's just inside jokes between the two of them. | ||
| Always. | ||
| And it's so much fun to be. | ||
| They really are one of the funnest couples that I've ever befriended in my life. | ||
| It's weird that it works so good. | ||
| It's like every comedian couple, when they're two comedians, it's like a bomb. | ||
| You're just standing next to them, like, I gotta get out of here before this thing blows. | ||
| But with them, it just works. | ||
| It's so funny, too, because he's known me probably 15 years, and the other day we're hanging out, this is just me and him bullshitting, and he goes, He's got two kids. | ||
| Their house, you can tell they have two brand new kids. | ||
| Ellis is running around like a lunatic with a balloon running into walls. | ||
| The kid's a wrecking ball. | ||
| The other one's an infant, and he looks at me and goes, I can't believe you did this with no money. | ||
| I just had kids like, fuck it, it'll work out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, that's true, right? | ||
| How old were you when you first started having kids? | ||
| 32, I think. | ||
| My daughter's 14. And how long into comedy were you then? | ||
| Oh, like, I started at 26, so eight years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, eight years, probably six years. | ||
| Someone could do the math better than me. | ||
| Yeah, so six years, and, like, that is not a good time as a comedian. | ||
| Six years in is rough. | ||
| I was featuring... | ||
| Georgia was born on like a Tuesday. | ||
| And we induced labor so that I could go feature for Dave Attell on Thursday. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I was so excited to work with Dave Attell. | ||
| I was almost as excited to work with Dave Attell as to have a kid. | ||
| Where were you working? | ||
| Miami. | ||
| I worked that stretch. | ||
| That was a terrible place to work. | ||
| Yeah, no shit! | ||
| Dude, I was just in Miami. | ||
| I was in Miami a few months ago, and I did that cell phone bag thing, because I did it before I filmed my Netflix special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did it for a while, where they'd have to put their phones in the bag, and then I stopped doing it. | ||
| It's complicated. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| It takes, especially when you're doing two shows, it's a giant space in between shows, but never have I seen a crowd. | ||
| Because to use your phone, you've got to get out of the arena, and then come back. | ||
| Everybody was just constantly going out. | ||
| They were constantly getting up. | ||
| I mean, it was just, it was like I was doing stand-up, not in front of people sitting down, but in front of people in a constant state of moving, sitting down, and getting up. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| They were just constantly moving. | ||
| Like, no place I've ever been. | ||
| They have zero attention span. | ||
| I've always said if you want to starve to death, open up a bookstore in Miami. | ||
| These motherfuckers, they just do coke and fuck each other and party. | ||
| Not everybody. | ||
| I know, I'm generalizing. | ||
| If you're like, bro, I read! | ||
| Billy Corbin loves fucking Miami. | ||
| Bro, so I started headlining. | ||
| Miami was one of the first clubs that let me headline because I had handled the room. | ||
| Just like, take a white guy. | ||
| Anyone. | ||
| Dude, I had the most crazy experiences I've ever had there. | ||
| One night, it's me... | ||
| In two other comics, I'm headlining, right? | ||
| It's Sunday night. | ||
| And I say to the manager, I said, it seems pretty rowdy. | ||
| Are they heckling her? | ||
| And then he's like, yeah, it's pretty bad. | ||
| There's gangbangers in the front row. | ||
| I was like, can we escort them out maybe? | ||
| And he goes, I think they have weapons. | ||
| I'm not comfortable with that. | ||
| I was like, so what are we going to do? | ||
| And he's like, I don't know. | ||
| Tried lightly, I guess. | ||
| Feature act goes up. | ||
| This is a 100% swear on my children to story. | ||
| Feature act goes up. | ||
| They destroy him. | ||
| He comes back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Thinning hair matted, sweaty to his head. | ||
| And he's like, it's not good. | ||
| So I go out and I do an old Dave Attell trick. | ||
| I mean, it's a comedy trick, but I watch Dave do it, where he would ask the audience a question that he had the joke for. | ||
| So he'd ask them the setup. | ||
| Hey, what's the best way to please your wife? | ||
| You know, and then he had the joke, what's the best way to give oral sex to your chick? | ||
| And the guy's like, and then the guy would tell his joke, and then obviously you have the better jokes, you wrote it. | ||
| You're like, oh, no, what you do is you put your lips around her entirely and go, oh! | ||
| And so I do that with these gangbangers for like 40, 35 minutes. | ||
| And it's killing. | ||
| The whole crowd's like, finally, we're all having fun. | ||
| I look off to the left, and all of a sudden, one of them, a darker guy named Ray, gets up on stage. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, on stage. | ||
| There's no stopping this. | ||
| With you. | ||
| With me. | ||
| He's like, there's a real motherfucker right here. | ||
| There's a real motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know a real motherfucker's getting the 305? | |
| Pulls his pants down and shows his dick. | ||
| And it is massive. | ||
| Massive and dark. | ||
| Like, and everyone's silent. | ||
| I'm like, okay, Ray. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| He's like, show yo shit, son. | ||
| I'm like, not now. | ||
| Show yo shit, son. | ||
| I was like, not gonna happen now. | ||
| Not gonna happen now. | ||
| I go, you know, you might want to leave. | ||
| I'm sure they're calling the cops. | ||
| And he's like, good looking out. | ||
| And he leaves, right? | ||
| So I'm like, I have nothing to say. | ||
| I have nothing to say. | ||
| I'm like, how do I follow that? | ||
| All of a sudden, lighter skin dude, face tattooed, dreadlocked, stands up real slow, and I'm like, oh my god, please save another dick. | ||
| Gets on stage and just goes, there's a real motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know a real motherfucker's getting the 305? | |
| Pulls his pants down and he has an equally almost lighter two-tone dick. | ||
| Like a purple ring around the... | ||
| And the place is going bananas. | ||
| They're like, oh my god! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| I go, listen brother. | ||
| They've definitely called the cops now. | ||
| You definitely want to go catch up with Ray and get a ride home. | ||
| Thank you so much for the... | ||
| And he's like, good looking out. | ||
| Good looking out. | ||
| He gets off stage, right? | ||
| Joe, I swear on my children's lives. | ||
| I swear on my children's lives. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I believe you, man. | |
| I worked there. | ||
| They're with a hairless albino. | ||
| Girl or guy? | ||
| Guy. | ||
| And I go, so funny, man. | ||
| The only dick I ever wanted to see was yours. | ||
| And the audience is quiet. | ||
| He slowly stands up, and everyone's like, no, please let it happen. | ||
| Gets on stage, drops his pants, and it is huge. | ||
| No hair. | ||
| It looks like a lighthouse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just... | |
| I just drop the mic. | ||
| I go, that's my show! | ||
| And I just walk off stage. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| That club was fucking insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Insane. | |
| Insane. | ||
| You know what happened? | ||
| They started giving out free tickets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it just went off the charts. | ||
| No one was paying. | ||
| And it was all just young kids. | ||
| I remember I had a joke once where I said something about, I think, Oscar De La Hoya. | ||
| It was like a joke about boxing. | ||
| About taking a left hook from Oscar De La Hoya. | ||
| And someone yells out, Fuck him! | ||
| Fucking Fernando Vargas! | ||
| And then someone goes, fuck him! | ||
| Julio Cesar Chavez! | ||
| And they just start fucking debating about what... | ||
| I'm like, guys, this is a joke. | ||
| It has nothing to do with boxing, even. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| But it turned into this, like, gigantic argument over, like, which Latino boxer is better. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Craziness. | ||
| I've never been to a club that was more out of control. | ||
| And I saw it get out of control. | ||
| Because when I first started working there, it was fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was fine. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, it just went to chaos. | ||
| They started doing just rowdier and rowdier acts. | ||
| They're getting more and more young kids. | ||
| And then sometimes you would go there and the whole audience would be like 18. Oh, yeah. | ||
| And not everyone spoke English. | ||
| That was another real problem in that club. | ||
| Dude, you never saw anybody kill. | ||
| Like, you see Diaz do Spanglish in front of those fucking people. | ||
| Oh, my. | ||
| Yeah, because he came up in that club. | ||
| Well, he was always there. | ||
| Yeah, I think him and Ricky, Ricky Cruz, all those guys had all worked that club and just were, I bet, Joey murdered. | ||
| I worked with Joey there a ton of times. | ||
| But, you know, Joey and I, we knew how to work together. | ||
| Like, it worked. | ||
| And I'm, you know, from doing the Comedy Storm so much, I'm just used to chaos. | ||
| You know, you get used to chaos. | ||
| I like chaos. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun! | ||
| It's fun sometimes, you know, as long as you're not filming a special. | ||
| But if it's just a show, it's just a show and it's chaos, it's fun. | ||
| That was my first taping in Philly. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Philly's a wild ass place too, in a different way. | ||
| I called Tommy, he goes, that's why we taped two, brother. | ||
| Have good luck on the next one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I tape four now. | ||
| I do four now. | ||
| Dude, that is genius. | ||
| It's a way to do it. | ||
| I really should do six. | ||
| Chappelle did nine. | ||
| It's the way to go. | ||
| It seems like it's not, but the thing is, you want to make it the most like a regular show. | ||
| But the ironic thing is, most of what I use, I use from the first show. | ||
| Because I'm so loose, because I know I have four shows. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| When you're filming one show... | ||
| I always remember seeing Bill Hicks' Relentless, which is the one he did in the UK. It's a big theater in the UK. With a duster and a cowboy hat. | ||
| Giant production. | ||
| He comes out to a Jimi Hendrix song and there's fire behind him and all this shit. | ||
| You could feel the tension. | ||
| He's got tension because he's got one shot at this. | ||
| He did a great job, but it was stiff. | ||
| It's just stiff. | ||
| I was dating this girl at the time. | ||
| She's very smart. | ||
| And I watched it with her, and she's like, he's interesting, but this is not funny. | ||
| And the way she said that, I was like, wow. | ||
| To me, I was a giant Bill Hicks fan. | ||
| I was hurt. | ||
| I wanted to argue with her, but I was like, I can't argue with her, because she's kind of right. | ||
| I didn't laugh. | ||
| I was such a fan that watching him was important to me. | ||
| I wanted to watch it, because I felt like he was a very important figure in comedy. | ||
| Even though Ari Shaffir shits on him, relentlessly. | ||
| But when I was watching him, I was thinking, she's right. | ||
| It's not really making me laugh at all. | ||
| But I know the material's well thought out, and it's very good. | ||
| But it's just, and I recognized it, it's like that one show thing. | ||
| You're filming one show, you got one shot in it. | ||
| See, I think because I come from a baseball sports background, I like having pressure on me. | ||
| I love that feeling of you got one shot. | ||
| So in Philly we did two, and the first one, it rained, the generator went out, and we had to hold the audience in the rain for an hour and a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, jeez. | |
| Jesus. | ||
| They lost their buzz, right? | ||
| They're soaking wet. | ||
| They finally come into the show. | ||
| In the show, they're trying to catch a buzz again, and it was a bad show. | ||
| Like, legit, I didn't even do well. | ||
| Like, I remember telling my buddy Tony, who produced it, I go, oh, I've had bad shows where, like, when you're moving, you accidentally stand on the mic, and you go to move, and then the mic moves away from your mouth. | ||
| And I did it. | ||
| I fucking did it in the show. | ||
| You willed it into existence. | ||
| I told my wife who was there, I go, if I flub a word, just write it down so I can pick it up clean in the second one. | ||
| She walked into the green room. | ||
| All my agents, all my managers, producers, with a notepad and goes, I don't even know where to start. | ||
| So I go, I got one more shot. | ||
| I got one shot. | ||
| And in my head, I have that high school Burt Kreischer. | ||
| Like, you said you like pressure. | ||
| Let's go, motherfucker. | ||
| You got one show. | ||
| Like, I'm getting chills talking about it, going, let's go. | ||
| You're not fucking up one word. | ||
| You're having the show of your fucking life. | ||
| My buddy Tony Hernandez, who produced it, comes over and he goes, let's get a coffee. | ||
| And back in high school, he'd have been like, pump a Coke? | ||
| But he's like, let's get a coffee. | ||
| We're grownups. | ||
| Had a coffee, went on. | ||
| And Joe, I swear to God, I'm... | ||
| The best show of my life. | ||
| The best show of my life to the point where I was like... | ||
| Even I fucked around a little bit on stage and I just kept it in the special. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| And I think if I did nine... | ||
| They'd be sloppy. | ||
| If I do two and I go, fuck, I got one shot. | ||
| I gotta get this tonight. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| I feel like you really go, this is important to me. | ||
| I mean, I'd love to do four. | ||
| I think, yeah, I think you can do as many as you want, honestly. | ||
| You know, it's just a matter of, like, that pressure of that second show, if the first show... | ||
| I think that's... | ||
| I was talking about this with Chuck Palahniuk yesterday. | ||
| Did I say his name right? | ||
| Did I? For sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Polonuk. | |
| Polonuk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Polonuk. | |
| Like, terrible moments on stage, I think are like the best thing ever for your act. | ||
| Like eating shit. | ||
| Eating shit's the best thing ever for your act. | ||
| Because then you recover from that and you're like, ooh, I don't want to feel that again. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| That's a bad feeling, too. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| And you bounce back. | ||
| You figure out how to tighten everything up. | ||
| Just even a bad moment. | ||
| A joke that doesn't work. | ||
| But jokes that don't work. | ||
| I've got some new stuff, man, that is just not that good. | ||
| I've got some new stuff that's just like, it's in its infant stage where it's just like wobbling around. | ||
| Every now and then I'll catch it. | ||
| I'll catch it perfect. | ||
| Because I've only been doing some of them for like two or three shows. | ||
| So they're like wobbly. | ||
| I don't know where I'm going with them. | ||
| And I'm trying to figure it out on stage and fuck around with them. | ||
| That's like the whole purpose of doing all these shows. | ||
| In town especially. | ||
| But those haunt you in the ride home. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| That's why I'm grateful I work at the store. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Right before I did my special, my closing bit I do on the show, on the special, the closing bit, I sat with you for a fucking hour in the back room, because I took it up in the main room, following like D'Elia, and I just said, here we go. | ||
| And I, man, that club can really let you know where the silence is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you go, all right. | ||
| And then you're like, oh, I've been lazy. | ||
| I've been performing to fans who will give you the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| Who love you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they want you to succeed. | ||
| But when you do a Netflix special, you need it to be to put strangers need to like it. | ||
| That's the old Louis quote that I used to hang my hat on. | ||
| They were like, why don't you work at UCB? And he goes, anyone can make them laugh. | ||
| He was like, I'm famous. | ||
| If I go in, that's like making your friends laugh. | ||
| This is why I do The Road. | ||
| The art form is to make strangers laugh. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, it is to make strangers laugh. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's also, you don't want a delusional perspective. | ||
| And one thing that does happen to some comp, like, Stanhope lives by it. | ||
| Like, he's like, why would I go and do someone else's audience? | ||
| He goes, it took me 25 years to make my own audience. | ||
| I'm like, okay, I get it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I really feel like to develop material, to really do it right, you gotta do it in front of just regular people. | ||
| People that aren't necessarily there to see you. | ||
| And the beautiful thing about the store is if there's 15 people in the lineup, or 20 people in the lineup, whatever it is... | ||
| How many are there to see you? | ||
| 10%? | ||
| 30%? | ||
| 20%? | ||
| Maybe they're there to see you and D'Elia and also Tom and also Christina. | ||
| They're just comedy fans. | ||
| They're not Burt Kreischer fans. | ||
| That's giant. | ||
| That's giant. | ||
| Because those guys that like develop like that... | ||
| I've seen a few people that develop an audience and that's all their audience. | ||
| And there's... | ||
| They just get real complacent, real lazy. | ||
| That's the... | ||
| I mean, I say lightly because there's some internet comics, meaning like YouTube people that do comedy now. | ||
| And some are good. | ||
| Some are good and some are developing. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was saying that to be polite. | ||
| But that one guy got booed offstage in Montreal because he's been performing to fans. | ||
| Oh, well, here's the other thing about that guy. | ||
| That guy goes up on a show where there's all these other comedians on, and then at the end of his set says that comedy shouldn't be about preaching. | ||
| It should be about making people laugh, right? | ||
| It shouldn't be about... | ||
| Ethics or morals or values. | ||
| Sexuality or race. | ||
| It should be about making people laugh. | ||
| People pay to forget about that stuff. | ||
| Bitch, you are on stage not making people laugh. | ||
| That is what you're doing, you silly fuck. | ||
| It is one of the silliest things I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| It's like, this is, and he's essentially a beginning comic. | ||
| Open Mike, he's maybe been doing stand-up three years tops. | ||
| So he does like videos, and the videos are very popular. | ||
| And they're funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're from the South, they're really funny. | ||
| Unless someone's doing your shit, unless they're stealing or stealing from somebody else, just do your fucking act. | ||
| Unless something happened before you that's so egregious and ridiculous that you feel like you have to address it when you go on stage because it's just sitting in the room, and to just try to do... | ||
| Ever notice, you know, when you pick up your phone, if you just try to do that and everybody's like, what the fuck? | ||
| You're not gonna address what just happened? | ||
| Sometimes you have to address what just happened. | ||
| Sometimes someone will go on before you and just eat so much shit that you have to say something. | ||
| You have to say something. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| But what that guy did was ridiculous. | ||
| To tell someone what comedy is and what isn't, I had read an article about that this, I'm assuming she's a gay woman, wrote About trashing Hannah Gadsby. | ||
| And going, hey, we're gay and we're doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| We're not just preaching. | ||
| We're doing stand-up comedy, talking about our trauma. | ||
| And it's working. | ||
| You just don't see us. | ||
| So don't write us off and say comedy's dead because you don't see us. | ||
| I don't think Hannah Gadsby's saying comedy's dead. | ||
| I think journalists are saying comedy's dead. | ||
| And I think we're all buying into it. | ||
| Because these people who are writing these articles, they're not even in comedy. | ||
| They're just comedy fans or fans of her. | ||
| And what I think she did, and I've only seen part of it, I saw the whole thing. | ||
| I'll tell you right now. | ||
| She has one joke I like a lot. | ||
| Whatever she did is fine. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| It's her artwork. | ||
| This is what she's doing. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| If people enjoy it, that's great. | ||
| But the problem with comedy is that comedy is one category. | ||
| It's just comedy. | ||
| But comedy could be Cat Stevens. | ||
| It could be Guns N' Roses. | ||
| It could be the Ghetto Boys. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| When you go to see music, there's very distinct genres. | ||
| There's just comedy. | ||
| Comedy is just comedy. | ||
| You could go see a folk singer, and what they're doing on stage, like really slow and quiet, is music. | ||
| But then you go to see fucking Led Zeppelin, and you go, okay, well that's music too? | ||
| How the fuck is that music too? | ||
| How is Motley Crue the same kind of thing as Cat Power? | ||
| How is that? | ||
| How are they the same? | ||
| Well, they are both music, just like we do comedy, and she's doing a version of comedy. | ||
| Some of it is really funny, and some of it is her just talking about stuff in a very serious way. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| We're not against each other. | ||
| This is what's crazy. | ||
| Everybody's like, this is deconstructing comedy, and comedy's dead now. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| No, she's doing what she's doing. | ||
| If you enjoy it, and that's what you want to see more of, go see that. | ||
| Yeah, that's what she does. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| She has a great joke about unicorns that I giggle about once a week. | ||
| I'll tell her jokes, it's not on Netflix, you can see it. | ||
| When I was growing up, I knew more facts about unicorns than I did lesbians. | ||
| She goes, there are no facts about unicorns. | ||
| I was just like, that's a good fucking joke. | ||
| That is a good joke. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's her experience, right? | ||
| She's a lesbian. | ||
| It's hard out there for a pimp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| I get it. | ||
| I think people create unnecessary and artificial adversaries. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| And I think this is one of the ones that's going on right now in comedy. | ||
| And I see it all the time with this Nanette thing. | ||
| It's like, stop. | ||
| Stop with the art. | ||
| I mean, I fall into it too. | ||
| I buy into it too when I read some of these articles. | ||
| Like, comedy's not dead. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| You read the article and you start thinking she said it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You're like, oh, she's telling us I can't do comedy anymore? | ||
| She didn't say it. | ||
| She just did something and someone interpreted it that way. | ||
| And if she says she can't do comedy anymore, that's fine too. | ||
| She could just do, like now she's famous, right? | ||
| She could just do one woman specials, or one person specials, or one entity specials. | ||
| How are we framing it now? | ||
| I wouldn't even say it, Joe. | ||
| Don't you say the gender? | ||
| I wouldn't even, I would be like, she does a thing. | ||
| Gender's off subject. | ||
| You can't, it's off limits. | ||
| Gender. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| Remember when you were a kid? | ||
| If somebody came up to you, one day, you're gonna have to ask someone whether they're a boy or a girl, and it's gonna be very delicate, and you're gonna have to ask them what their preferred pronouns are. | ||
| You'd be like, what? | ||
| Like, yeah, yeah, it's coming. | ||
| It's real soon, like within 10, 15 years, and then everyone's gonna be, there's gonna be a lot of ambiguity, ambiguity, that's a weird word, ambiguity. | ||
| How often do you say that word? | ||
| I'll say ambiguous, but how often do you say ambiguity? | ||
| I'd never have said it. | ||
| That's a weird one. | ||
| I stay away from a lot of big words. | ||
| Especially after coffee. | ||
| Ambiguity? | ||
| Yeah, but nobody would have ever anticipated that there would be debate about gender. | ||
| Oh, my daughters were outside of, like, one of the progressive bathrooms, where it's not men or women. | ||
| It's just a bathroom. | ||
| And my daughters saw her first dick that way, just pushed open a door, because it's no man or woman. | ||
| And then she's like, ah! | ||
| And I was like, what is the matter? | ||
| She goes, I just saw a man's penis. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Why didn't the guy lock the door? | ||
| Sometimes you don't. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| You walk in and you're not thinking and you just don't lock the door. | ||
| So was it at any sex bathroom or was it at any gender bathroom? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They have... | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I was in a restaurant once and I was waiting for the bathroom. | ||
| It was a long fucking wait, man. | ||
| And finally the door opens and a chick comes out. | ||
| The men's room. | ||
| And she looked at me like... | ||
| Like, yeah, I was in the men's room. | ||
| Like, what if I was in the women's room taking a shit? | ||
| What if you were in there? | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| A big steamer. | ||
| I did that coming off of a plane from Atlanta. | ||
| You went to the women's room? | ||
| Ireland to Atlanta. | ||
| Boozing on the flight. | ||
| This was a while ago. | ||
| Headsets in, hoodie on, about to take a shit. | ||
| I'm like, it's creeping out my pants. | ||
| And I walk into the bathroom, start shitting. | ||
| Headsets still in listening to music. | ||
| Start sweating a little bit because it's hot in there. | ||
| Take the hoodie off, take the headsets out, and I hear women's voices, and I'm like, oh my god. | ||
| I'm shitting in the women's bathroom. | ||
| I did that at the comedy store once. | ||
| I took a leak in the women's room. | ||
| I didn't realize it when they put those new bathrooms in the side hallway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because for a while, it was like a men and women's bathroom, and then they opened up the men's bathroom over there. | ||
| And I walked in, and there was girls in there. | ||
| I'm like, yay! | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| We're all in here together. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Isn't it funny that you can be next to people? | ||
| Here's what's odd about it, right? | ||
| There's something implied because genitals are involved, right? | ||
| You could be standing next to those same people in an elevator, it would be fine. | ||
| Like, hi, how you guys doing? | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| But if you stand next to these same people in a bathroom, you're like, oh no. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Private parts. | ||
| Naughty parts. | ||
| Poopy peepee. | ||
| Yeah, you know like there's something dirty about even if everyone is just washing their hands close to each other in the sink It's like everyone's creeped out. | ||
| I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. | ||
| The tension's so thick That's in a bathroom. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's crazy that you can't just shit and piss in front of people No, you can't you can't see we grew up where you can shit in front of dudes like we used to shit in front of dudes like if if like I'm still kind of like this but like If me and you were talking, I'm like, hey, come in, I gotta take a shit. | ||
| I would have shat, and you would have stood there, and I would have finished telling you my story. | ||
| I bet Joey Diaz is that kind of guy, too. | ||
| Oh, Joey's taking horrible shits in front of me. | ||
| Yeah, I saw Ari do it online. | ||
| Do you remember that Jew Clam video? | ||
| Yeah, I was there. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| I remember seeing that. | ||
| I was on the road in a green room, and I saw someone's like, have you seen Ari's asshole? | ||
| And I was like, I have not. | ||
| Yeah, he had a hemorrhoid problem. | ||
| And that's to put it mildly. | ||
| He still has an emroid problem. | ||
| Does he still? | ||
| Dude, when we were in Atlanta, he was like, how much blood should be in a toilet after you go to the bathroom? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| But can you imagine Tom's face? | ||
| You know how Tom's so dry? | ||
| He's like, none. | ||
| None. | ||
| How much blood? | ||
| Don't put that up. | ||
| Don't put up. | ||
| I was just telling Jamie back, like before you got here, how important those videos were. | ||
| All the videos you shot with Red Band and Ari and Joey, the Joey Karate video, all the stuff you guys used to put online, that's so important to where you are today in my opinion. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Man, I found that stuff. | ||
| When YouTube started blowing up, that stuff was in such heavy rotation for comics. | ||
| Like, you'd look for comics, and you were recognizable because of Fear Factor and news radio. | ||
| But I got to those videos, and I probably watched... | ||
| Every single one of the videos you guys shot, as did all of us, Tom did, all of us, just because it was the content we could find. | ||
| That's what we're talking about with Twitch. | ||
| It's like, get on Twitch now and start uploading content, because one day, someone will see it and go, oh, I know that guy. | ||
| And I really believe that you guys were so ahead of that curve, where people were like, I'm not... | ||
| I don't even know how to upload a video. | ||
| You guys had edited great content. | ||
| Heckler in Columbus. | ||
| Ari dealing with a heckler in D.C. The feminists arguing with you. | ||
| You choking that guy out in the store. | ||
| Those were videos where you're like, I'd watch them four or five times. | ||
| There was a lot of those. | ||
| What was really good about it was Red Band's editing. | ||
| He just doesn't like to do that, though. | ||
| It's too time-consuming, and he's too lazy. | ||
| He just doesn't like to do videos, but he's really talented. | ||
| His video editing skills... | ||
| Like, that Mencia video, that was part of why that video was so popular, because it's a long-ass video, but his editing skills were so good. | ||
| What was the music he played? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I forget. | |
| The music was perfect. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| The whole thing was, you know, he's a really good editor. | ||
| He's really talented at it, but it's so time-consuming and it drives him nuts that he'd rather just fuck around and do podcasts and have a good time. | ||
| But when he was doing it, like when we were going on the road together and he was filming a lot of stuff and splicing things together and we'd make a video every couple months or something like that. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| It was an interesting experiment, you know, just to fuck around. | ||
| I got into, when I got into vlogging, Jamie was like right there when I started vlogging. | ||
| We were both found, Casey Neistat I think at the same time. | ||
| And I got really into vlogging, and I loved it, man. | ||
| I think I maybe did like 40 episodes, and it was just fun. | ||
| But then I started realizing it was cannibalizing my life to a point where I wasn't living an authentic life at all. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I wasn't writing any material. | ||
| I was just shooting everything. | ||
| Everything was shot. | ||
| Like, if I saw you, I wouldn't be like, oh, cool. | ||
| I get to hang out with Joe. | ||
| I'd be like, oh, hey, guys, I'm with Joe. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That is the trap that the people fall into. | ||
| You know, I mean, if you look at some people's Instagram stories, you're like, what are you doing, man? | ||
| You have a million dots. | ||
| Your Instagram is like little tiny dots, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, like your whole day? | ||
| Your whole day you have just a phone in front of you? | ||
| What, do you just have like constant battery chargers and you're just constantly charging up your phone and filming video? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| I do it. | ||
| This is the way I look at Instagram. | ||
| I do it. | ||
| I'll do those stories aggressively if I'm running the triathlon, running a marathon, doing a big event. | ||
| And that's, I mean, not to, Tip the hat or whatever or tell you guys my business plan, but that's what I do like I like to do big things and then that's how my stories and then I'll fuck around on the weekend and I'll put up maybe like three stories a day five stories a day and I'll show you my life a little bit but for the most part I Like I try to I try to distance myself from it for two reasons number one it fucks with my eyesight Like if I'm on my phone a lot. | ||
| Oh, yeah, my eyes are fucked. | ||
| Yeah, and number two it does cannibalize your life and But what I want to do, I think the next level of this business is honestly going backwards and doing what you and Redband were doing with those videos, but getting yourself out of it and having a guy like Redband, who that's his job. | ||
| It's hard though. | ||
| See, the thing is with a guy like Redband, that job is very hard to do. | ||
| Brian is uniquely talented at that. | ||
| You know, I think it's like his greatest talent. | ||
| He's really good at making videos. | ||
| But, like I said, he doesn't like to do it. | ||
| And a lot of people don't like to do it because it's time consuming. | ||
| So you could just take stuff and just, you know, cut it and paste it. | ||
| But he did more than that. | ||
| He had special effects and music and, you know, what he was doing was he was figuring out a way to make sometimes mundane situations interesting and interesting situations way more interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard to do. | ||
| So like for you to like say, you know, you want to get you like you'd have to find a guy like you'd almost like to get Brian to start doing it again. | ||
| I'm definitely with Jamie and I were talking about this. | ||
| I will. | ||
| My next step is doing what you're doing on a much smaller level, like getting an area, getting a space, doing my podcast and my solo podcast out of there, but then creating content. | ||
| What is your solo podcast? | ||
| Do you have a solo one as well? | ||
| Yeah, I do a solo podcast called... | ||
| Just talk to yourself? | ||
| No, it's called Open Tabs. | ||
| So I go through out on the weekend, like when I'm normally killing time looking on the internet, and I just leave all those tabs open on Safari, and then I go in and I just go through and close them and tell you what they are and show you the video I was watching. | ||
| It's a lot of videos of you and all my friends, because I watch all my friends do shit. | ||
| If Bill Burr kills on some interview, I show that. | ||
| A lot of them are the interviews you have with these guys like David Atiyah and Cam Haynes. | ||
| Cam Haynes is all those really inspirational guys. | ||
| I'll pull up videos of them, and then all of a sudden I'll get obsessed with flash floods. | ||
| Flash floods are scary. | ||
| Dude, there's this guy, no joke. | ||
| Like, I think I'm a good comic. | ||
| This guy's better at what he does, but he tracks flash floods. | ||
| And he's like, he's like on camera like, okay, I'm in this valley. | ||
| See this cloud over there? | ||
| It's raining over there. | ||
| It should be to us in 15 minutes. | ||
| All right? | ||
| We're going to stay with it. | ||
| And this guy finds a plot of land where the flash flood will run and he can chase it and almost... | ||
| Follow it, follow it, hop up on the bank, and then cut a corner and get in front of it again? | ||
| This guy's so good at fucking following flash floods. | ||
| There's this girl, this is what I find on the internet, because I get online, there's this girl, Kimmy Warner, okay? | ||
| This girl's the best. | ||
| I'm obsessed with spearfishing right now. | ||
| Spearfishing? | ||
| Never done it in my life. | ||
| Obsessed with spearfishing. | ||
| I watch spearfishing videos, Joe, maybe eight hours a day. | ||
| What? | ||
| Dude, when I'm in bed, and you know when you're killing time? | ||
| Kimmy Werner. | ||
| Pull up Kimmy Werner. | ||
| This woman is fucking amazing. | ||
| This is a picture of her swimming with a great white shark. | ||
| Dude, I've got a spearfishing woman coming on next week. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Valentin Thomas. | ||
| I don't know her. | ||
| I'm Googling the fuck out of her. | ||
| Google Valentin Thomas. | ||
| She's coming on next week. | ||
| She was a lawyer who quit her gig and became a very active and active on social media spearfishing woman. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Where is she out of? | ||
| The Keys? | ||
| She's in Florida somewhere, I believe. | ||
| On the west coast of Florida is a big spearfishing community, shooting a lot of hoghead groupers. | ||
| By the way, this is the way I talk about something I've never fucking done. | ||
| We should do it. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I want to go spearfishing. | ||
| Apparently, it's like hunting underwater. | ||
| Dude, And see, now, are you ready for this? | ||
| This is what is wrong with me, is that I've watched so much spearfishing, I'm going to talk about it intimately. | ||
| The thing about shooting out on the west coast of Florida is they use a lot of Hawaiian slings, alright? | ||
| Very different than the average spearfishing. | ||
| What's a Hawaiian sling? | ||
| I'm glad you asked, Joe. | ||
| It's just got two rubber bands, and you just go, and then you grab it. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a rubber band with a pointy stick. | ||
| But when Kimmy Werner goes, she's got string. | ||
| She'll shoot a tuna, and it'll take off, and she'll hold on and ride with it. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| You ride the tuna. | ||
| I think it's just based on the depths of where you hunt. | ||
| So when you hunt over on the West Coast, and now I'm talking out of my ass. | ||
| Do not listen to anything I say. | ||
| But it's a lot of shallower shoots. | ||
| It's like 30 feet, a lot of reef shoots. | ||
| Out in Hawaii, Kimi Warner goes down to like 100 feet and chills. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And just chills. | ||
| 100 feet is deep. | ||
| 100 feet. | ||
| Me and you would be good in the Bahamas. | ||
| Yeah, Bahamas. | ||
| I could do Bahamas. | ||
| Six feet. | ||
| That's what I'm looking at. | ||
| Just over your head. | ||
| Where you can still sand? | ||
| Get down to nine if you're getting crazy. | ||
| Get down to nine, you can push off the bottom and pop back up again. | ||
| Bro, I'm obsessed with spearfishing. | ||
| It's such a cool way to live your life. | ||
| Aubrey's done a bunch of it. | ||
| I would love to try it. | ||
| It looks like fun. | ||
| She invited me, Valentin invited me to go next week, but I don't have the time. | ||
| She's going to go to San Diego. | ||
| They're going to go tuna spearfishing. | ||
| Yeah, in San Diego. | ||
| The Pacific Ocean spearfishing, I think, is a little bit of a sport sport. | ||
| Because you've got to really know how to hold your breath for a long time. | ||
| It's different? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think only because of depths. | ||
| Everything's pretty shallow out on the West Coast. | ||
| On the East Coast. | ||
| On the East Coast. | ||
| Everything's pretty shallow. | ||
| All the keys, you're doing like 15 feet. | ||
| 15, 20 feet tops. | ||
| But on the West Coast, everything is a tad bit deeper. | ||
| At least from what I've been watching with Kimmy Warner. | ||
| Go to Kimmy Warner and there's a video of her, no shit, hanging out at 100 feet just with a spear just... | ||
| Just waiting? | ||
| Yeah, she's got four and a half minutes to kill. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Four and a half minutes, she's holding her breath? | ||
| She can hold her breath. | ||
| Oh, so she's free diving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No tanks. | |
| No tanks. | ||
| Oh, Christ. | ||
| All free diving. | ||
| In like camouflage shit. | ||
| Not afraid of sharks. | ||
| Love sharks. | ||
| Well, you know what a hex suit is? | ||
| You ever heard of a hex suit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| They got this suit called H-E-C-S. It's like a suit that... | ||
| It's based on something. | ||
| I think it's called the Faraday cage. | ||
| And what it does is it hides your electrical signal and one of the things about fish is that fish apparently they read your electrical signal like the like you you can take a there's certain machines that like you could hover your hand over them and it'll register that an electrical signals coming off of your body But then when you put this hex suit on you run your hand over the same exact machine it shows nothing and Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So this suit is something that – it's very controversial in the hunting community because some people don't believe it really works because there's no real, clear, absolute studies that it works on animals, but there are clear studies that it shields your body's electrical signal. | ||
| But it works pretty unequivocally on fish. | ||
| On fish, it's crazy. | ||
| Pull up hex suit, H-E-C-S, suit, video, fish. | ||
| So you basically roll into the water like Predator? | ||
| Yeah, you put gloves on, you put a suit on, and they can't see you. | ||
| For whatever reason, you can get right up to them. | ||
| It's fucking weird, man. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah, you can get right up to fish, right up to corals. | ||
| They get right up to coral reefs. | ||
| See, now, here's the thing. | ||
| I don't know how much of this would happen exactly the same way if this guy wasn't wearing this suit. | ||
| Because I don't really have that information. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I do know that people that spearfish and people that are involved with underwater diving and shit, they swear by these things. | ||
| They say it absolutely works. | ||
| And they had it on Shark Week, too. | ||
| They were using it on Shark Week. | ||
| There's something about those suits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari and I were... | ||
| I was going to go out to the Great Barrier Reef with Ari. | ||
| If Tom was going out there at the same time, we're all three going to go dive at the Great Barrier Reef. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Do a liveaboard. | ||
| Ari and I actually have been talking back and forth about finding a place to do a liveaboard. | ||
| A liveaboard? | ||
| Yeah, like a boat. | ||
| Like a boat? | ||
| You can stay for like four days. | ||
| You do two dives a day. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's an adventure. | ||
| Ari's all about living life, and if I can fold that into my family and let my wife understand that, like, you know, once a quarter I gotta do something crazy, you know, then my wife's like, ah, she's cool with it. | ||
| We talked to, uh, what's the ultramarathon runner that you had on? | ||
| Courtney DeWalter? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Zach Bitter. | ||
| Zach Bitter. | ||
| Zach Bitter, me, and Ari were gonna find an international marathon to do together. | ||
| Like, find an international really badass... | ||
| 26 mile. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A regular mile. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not like one of those ultras. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| Breaking down your liver where you piss Diet Coke. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I've always had respect for, like... | ||
| I've always had respect for Cam. | ||
| Never anything shy of that. | ||
| But when you run a marathon... | ||
| The respect you have for Cam Haynes and guys like David Goggins, it enters a new stratosphere. | ||
| Yeah, I can only imagine. | ||
| You're like, whoa. | ||
| Like when David Goggins says, embrace the hate, embrace the suck, just decide not to quit. | ||
| That's where my brain, when I went to that marathon, I was like, decide not to quit. | ||
| And at 22 miles, both my calves just seized up, my quads went into my legs, and the woman in front of me shit her pants. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| You watched her shit her pants? | ||
| I watched her shit her pants. | ||
| A grown woman, like an executive, shit her pants, went down one leg and up her ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And I went... | ||
| Did she stop? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| She kept going. | ||
| Gangster. | ||
| How bad did it smell? | ||
| That's when I started running past her. | ||
| I was like, fuck this bitch. | ||
| I was like, please let her be an exec from FX or something. | ||
| Be like, oh, hey! | ||
| That would be hilarious. | ||
| But those guys... | ||
| I watch Cam's videos now of him running in the afternoon. | ||
| I think he's doing a marathon a day. | ||
| The speed he's running... | ||
| And the way he's talking as he's running is inspirational beyond measure. | ||
| From a guy like me where I go, I want to get there. | ||
| Like, I want to get, like, he's fucking, I can't, I mean, I can't put it into words. | ||
| Yeah, he's an animal. | ||
| And he works a full-time job. | ||
| That's what blows me away. | ||
| Are you not drinking? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For how long? | |
| I just haven't been. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| I mean, I will. | ||
| What about on stage? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, I'll take a drink with me at the end of the night. | ||
| When I tell the machine story on the second show, I'll have that drink. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Nothing, man. | ||
| Cleaning it up? | ||
| No, I'm just, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Growing up? | ||
| No, I know I still party, but like, yeah, like if I saw you at the store tonight, I still party and smoke, but I just, I don't know. | ||
| This is what sucks about being me, is like people who go, what's going on? | ||
| Are you sick? | ||
| Is something going on? | ||
| You're like, no, I'm also regular. | ||
| Yeah, it's fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| You know, I did the triathlon, and I didn't drink leading up to it. | ||
| And I did it, and I felt really good. | ||
| I just felt really good, and I thought... | ||
| And you know, when you have friends that... | ||
| I'm 45, and so you start seeing... | ||
| Friends that that lifestyle starts to affect in different ways. | ||
| You go, okay, I don't ever want to quit drinking. | ||
| I don't ever want to quit smoking weed. | ||
| I don't ever want to go with Ari and run a marathon and then not do mushrooms with him in Buenos Aires. | ||
| I want that to be a part of my life. | ||
| But I can't have that if I'm going at the pace I'm going at. | ||
| Like, I can't have both. | ||
| Well, you started to rely on your body a lot more. | ||
| What you're doing with all this running and these... | ||
| What was that one that you did where you had to do all the obstacle courses and shit? | ||
| Spartan Race. | ||
| Spartan Race. | ||
| Doing a triathlon. | ||
| You're relying on your body. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Part of your recreation now is relying on your endurance. | ||
| And when you're doing that and you're drinking at the same time, you're just shooting yourself in the foot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I still, like I said, like we did the Spartan race and right after you sit up in the stands, everyone has some beers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great. | |
| Yeah, have a couple beers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe a hit of a vape pen and then you just go home and you get a good night's sleep. | ||
| But you're right. | ||
| I think for me, training for the triathlon was just, I couldn't do both. | ||
| I just was not be able to do both. | ||
| And then when I got done, I just, you know, I think a lot of, like I was thinking about last night, I didn't drink, I didn't drink last night, obviously. | ||
| And, um, And I was like, I was in the shower today. | ||
| I had a really hard time sleeping last night. | ||
| I was up all night. | ||
| I've just been doing a lot of press. | ||
| So I think you empty your serotonin because you're giving everyone everything. | ||
| And I was up all night with a little bit of panic attacks. | ||
| And I definitely would have drank last night. | ||
| When you get a panic attack, what does that mean? | ||
| Like what happens? | ||
| For me, you kind of get blinders on. | ||
| And for me personally, I will start saying the same phrase over and over in my head again. | ||
| Where I can't get it out. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Like, uh... | ||
| Um... | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like my brain will go, satellite of love, satellite of love, satellite of love, satellite. | ||
| And then I'll start going, like last night, I had a phrase going through my head and I was like, fuck, is the alarm on? | ||
| Is the alarm on? | ||
| And I get up and I go check the alarm. | ||
| And then I get in bed and I go, I should make sure all the doors are locked. | ||
| And then I go check all the doors. | ||
| And then I get up and I go, did I lock the man cave? | ||
| I gotta get up and I lock the man cave. | ||
| Now, normally that's where I will start, like if I have a few drinks, that does not happen. | ||
| You know what's weird? | ||
| What? | ||
| Jamie was talking about this too. | ||
| It's at night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At night when you get weirded out. | ||
| It's like when you're getting ready to shut off. | ||
| It's like, can I shut the body off yet? | ||
| Is everything cool? | ||
| I think meditation might help me. | ||
| Because I can't shut my brain off. | ||
| And then I'm like... | ||
| And then I go... | ||
| You should get a tank. | ||
| For your man cave. | ||
| Take up all of my man cave, Joe. | ||
| How big is your man cave? | ||
| It's like an office, right? | ||
| It's like half of this, probably. | ||
| You can fit a tank in there. | ||
| It would be really big in my man cave. | ||
| Yeah, it would be really big in there. | ||
| You could stuff it in there. | ||
| You don't have to get one that big. | ||
| They have a smaller one. | ||
| They have one that's like six by seven or four by seven? | ||
| Four by seven? | ||
| See, I would rather, probably I'd rather sauna. | ||
| I love those infrared saunas. | ||
| I love those. | ||
| Sauna's great too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was thinking about it this morning in the shower and I was like, you know what, man? | ||
| The Sober October we did was so helpful because I learned how to cope and go to bed with nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like with nothing. | ||
| No NyQuil, no nothing. | ||
| It was super helpful and then I learned little tricks like drinking on planes. | ||
| I still may have a few drinks before I get on a plane or a couple drinks on the plane, but the difference is if it's an early morning flight, I don't need a drink to get on the plane. | ||
| I don't need it. | ||
| I don't need it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Of ways I just said, I just gotta do it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It was helpful for me too. | ||
| You know what's really interesting? | ||
| It made me realize what's happening to your dreams when you're smoking pot all the time. | ||
| Because as soon as you stop smoking pot and then your dreams become super vivid. | ||
| Like, really vivid. | ||
| Like, excruciatingly vivid, strange, bizarre. | ||
| You're like, oh, what am I doing to myself with the weed all the time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's probably not good for my dreams. | ||
| I want those dreams. | ||
| The vivid ones? | ||
| The crazy ones? | ||
| You should take Alpha Brain. | ||
| Dude, I told you. | ||
| Before you go to bed? | ||
| I took out my wife and made me stop. | ||
| Because I was a lunatic on Alpha Brain, because I could feel it really immediately. | ||
| If you take it before, like I take a double dose, so like if I'm like these packets, you're supposed to take one packet, I would take two of these packets. | ||
| With some water before I go to bed. | ||
| And then, you know, like maybe an hour before you go to bed. | ||
| And with no pot and alpha brain, you will have lucid, intense fucking dreams. | ||
| Like, they're intense. | ||
| And they're durable. | ||
| Like, you realize you're a dream and they don't wake up. | ||
| They get lucid, and you're in the middle of them. | ||
| You know, the way I describe lucid dreams, lucid dreams are like a delicate bubble that a kid would blow, and you can kind of almost catch it on your hand, and then pop, it pops. | ||
| These were like basketballs. | ||
| They weren't popping. | ||
| I could be in the middle of the dream like, oh, I'm in a dream. | ||
| Okay, now we're in a dream. | ||
| Let's just keep going. | ||
| And it wouldn't knock me out of the dream by recognizing that I was in a dream, which ordinarily would immediately do it. | ||
| Ordinarily, I'd be like, oh my god, I'm dreaming. | ||
| Oh, I'm waking up. | ||
| And then you just wake up. | ||
| I could keep myself in that lucid dream state for a long time. | ||
| I lucid dream naturally, and I have fucking... | ||
| I mean, I sold a show to Comedy Central based on my dreams. | ||
| I have fucking insane dreams. | ||
| You should try... | ||
| Do you know what paracetam is? | ||
| You ever heard of that stuff? | ||
| It's another nootropic. | ||
| It's a real potent... | ||
| One of the interesting things about nootropics is there's a ton of them. | ||
| There's a lot of different ones. | ||
| One of them they found recently is creatine. | ||
| They found that creatine boosts your mental performance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Creatine's got a lot of benefits, man. | ||
| Because you think about it, right? | ||
| Creatine makes your body retain more water as well, right? | ||
| It's one of the things people don't like about it. | ||
| It kind of gives you a chubby face. | ||
| You get a little bloated on it. | ||
| But what that's doing is you're just retaining more water, right? | ||
| But if you have more water... | ||
| It also makes you stronger. | ||
| It's proven over time, taking creatine as a supplement. | ||
| It's very effective. | ||
| It really does make you stronger. | ||
| It makes you bigger. | ||
| So you've got to think all that is like all this tissue and all this water. | ||
| It's probably just everything's healthier, right? | ||
| And probably the flow of everything's healthier, too. | ||
| The conductivity of it all. | ||
| Obviously, I'm not a scientist. | ||
| But I would think that all that makes sense. | ||
| Like, your brain works terrible when it's dehydrated. | ||
| Like, have you ever been dehydrated and try to think? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your brain is so weak. | ||
| It's incredible how much dehydration affects the way your brain performs. | ||
| But on the other side, it should be that if you're really well hydrated, your brain would probably work better. | ||
| It only makes sense. | ||
| It's amazing how important water is. | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| I got this nutritionist when I started doing the triathlon. | ||
| Men's Health covered it. | ||
| They're doing a documentary on it. | ||
| What are they doing with you? | ||
| The whole triathlon. | ||
| They hit me up and they're like, man, this guy Connor Reed, really cool guy. | ||
| He's just a fan of what we do. | ||
| And he's like, man, I love Sober October. | ||
| I love you and Tommy's Bets. | ||
| And there's a lot of people, as bizarre as this sounds, whatever we decided to do with these competitions, that got inspired and lost a ton of weight. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen a lot of that. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's been amazing, man. | ||
| It has been. | ||
| And guys are hitting me up, and they're like, I'm running my first marathon. | ||
| I'm running my first Spartan race. | ||
| Me and my buddies are doing it when you're in Columbus. | ||
| Can you come hang out with us? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It really is... | ||
| I know Tom and I have talked about it a lot. | ||
| It definitely was not our intention. | ||
| Like, we just wanted to... | ||
| We were fucking around. | ||
| And then when we all did Sober October, there are people that came up to me at the triathlon. | ||
| This guy, Willie Nelson's his name. | ||
| And he's like, bro, he's like, holy shit, the machine. | ||
| I did fucking Sober October with you guys. | ||
| I was like, for real? | ||
| He's like, dude, no booze, no drugs. | ||
| Can you fucking believe it? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, I'm right. | ||
| Like we shared the same month. | ||
| I'm doing it again. | ||
| I'll do it again. | ||
| I'm going to do it every October. | ||
| I'm just going to make it a thing. | ||
| We should do something else, too. | ||
| Like right now, it's almost September. | ||
| Is it like the 20th or something? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| 23rd? | ||
| That's not a lot of time. | ||
| We basically have a month to figure it out. | ||
| Like, what do you mean? | ||
| Add another thing inside Sober October? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, we could be sober and we could do the yoga classes. | ||
| We could do it again. | ||
| You're not getting Tom to do those fucking yoga classes again. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Those are amazing for you. | ||
| That was also amazing. | ||
| I did nine in a row. | ||
| I did nine days in a row just to whack it out. | ||
| And when I did that, I was like, it's amazing if you just know that you have to do it, you just do it. | ||
| But if you don't know you have to do it, you find all sorts of reasons to not do it. | ||
| Like, I'll just go lift weights. | ||
| Yeah, I'll just go for a run. | ||
| Yeah, I'll just go do this. | ||
| But if I have to get seven more of these fucking things in in the next 14 days, I'll just do them right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what's cool about them? | ||
| This sounds silly, but now I have... | ||
| Hot yoga in my utility belt worth of workouts. | ||
| Where I go, sometimes I'll go like, I'll come off the road and I'll be like, God man, maybe I booze that weekend. | ||
| I'll be like, Monday I'm doing a hot yoga. | ||
| And I'll go do a hot yoga and I know how the pose is. | ||
| I don't have, I'm not embarrassed. | ||
| I know I've got the mat. | ||
| Like doing your first hot yoga is embarrassing. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| But when you go back in it and you do it again and you just pour sweat and you're like, shit, I'm coming back tomorrow. | ||
| And then of course you don't, but... | ||
| It's courageous when you see people going to those classes that are, like, really obese. | ||
| And they just take that risk of being almost naked in front of all these people. | ||
| You got shorts on and shit. | ||
| And some lady just did it the other day, her first class. | ||
| And I was like, that lady took a... | ||
| Obviously, she's not physically fit. | ||
| She's not that active. | ||
| This is probably, like, super nerve-wracking for her to do. | ||
| She took a ballsy chance. | ||
| It's tough to do anything. | ||
| You know, it's tough to fucking take a kettlebell class. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| You go in there. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You get weirder out. | ||
| When I started the training and I had to go to a pool and swim and get in a Speedo. | ||
| Now, I wear Speedos all the time. | ||
| But for real to wear one? | ||
| Like, for real? | ||
| Yeah, for real, for real. | ||
| Why do you have to wear one? | ||
| Is it that much better than shorts? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The drag is like, you glide like a fucking dolphin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You ever jack off with too much lotion? | ||
| And you're like, I don't even feel it. | ||
| I need to dry some of this off. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a bad example. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It's super specific to me. | ||
| I swam in the ocean recently. | ||
| I was in Italy last week, and I was swimming in the ocean. | ||
| I was realizing, wow, it's so much easier to swim in the ocean. | ||
| Oh yeah, saltwater. | ||
| You float. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so, it's so, it's like way easier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not a little easier. | ||
| It's like way easier. | ||
| Open water swimming, in saltwater and like the Malibu triathlons coming up, that one's, it's tough. | ||
| It's a half mile swim, but you're in a wetsuit and you're buoyant and you're in saltwater. | ||
| You're also swimming near great white sharks. | ||
| Yeah, I'm doing Malibu in a year. | ||
| Great white sharks. | ||
| They're everywhere around Malibu. | ||
| Yeah, but when you're in a pack like that. | ||
| Oh, well, what's the odds that you get bitten? | ||
| Just getting to the center. | ||
| Yeah, getting to the center. | ||
| And that's where they go, right through the middle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, just fucking shoot up. | |
| That movie, The Meg, is supposed to be one of the worst movies of all time. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Have you seen that movie? | ||
| They say it's doing great at the box office. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| Everyone's an idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's supposed to be so bad. | |
| It's a big shark that just fucking nobody saw before. | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| It's doing as good as Crazy Rich Asians. | ||
| Oh, Crazy Rich Asians is killing it. | ||
| Oh, good. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| It's killing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to see that. | ||
| I hear it's hilarious. | ||
| I want to see it. | ||
| The Meg. | ||
| What's it got? | ||
| 91% like this movie. | ||
| 47% Rotten Tomatoes. | ||
| 6.2 on IMDb. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| What is the worst received movie recently? | ||
| There's been some really, really bad ones, right? | ||
| Oh, I got this. | ||
| I could come up with this. | ||
| There was one that came out recently and everyone trashed it. | ||
| Well, I'm not going to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That Gotti movie didn't get like zero. | |
| Oh, the Gotti movie. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah, the Gotti movie. | ||
| He's writing it down. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| It was a movie I liked and everyone trashed. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gotta leave that one alone. | ||
| Burn that paper. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you gonna do? | ||
| That's a business I don't want to get into. | ||
| I don't ever want to do that. | ||
| I see Tom doing it now. | ||
| He's doing some movies. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, good luck. | ||
| It's nice to see him blowing up, but that movie thing is a trap. | ||
| You get on those sets for 16 hours a day and everyone's depressed, everyone's tired, and everyone's on antidepressants. | ||
| Fucking everyone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| You ever been on a movie set and you talk to actors about what they're on? | ||
| Well, you know, my Welbutrin wasn't doing it for me, so I got on Lexapro, and I'm on Zoloft, and I really find it just, it's really balancing me out. | ||
| And I started taking this, and I started taking that, and Xanax a little here, and a little there. | ||
| Like, whoa! | ||
| Everyone is on something. | ||
| Dude, fuck that. | ||
| You go to Columbia for eight weeks, and you live in Columbia, and do the, I know Mark Wahlberg did that mile 22. He just lived in Columbia for eight weeks. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I'd much rather just do stand-up. | ||
| I wouldn't mind doing... | ||
| I'm not even joking. | ||
| My dream... | ||
| My dream's doing what I'm doing right now. | ||
| I'd like to expand that. | ||
| If I could do my own thing and expand that, that's my goal. | ||
| But if you said part of the business, easily like a news radio. | ||
| Like an ensemble, cast... | ||
| That was hard too, man. | ||
| I would love a multi-cam. | ||
| Well, it's fun if everybody gets along, but you gotta rely on all those other people to keep their shit together. | ||
| And, you know, it goes sideways. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then on top of that... | ||
| Sometimes the scripts don't work, and sometimes when the show's not doing well, then you have executives that chime in. | ||
| I honestly think that what you're doing with something's burning, that kind of shit, that's way better, man. | ||
| The thing you're doing with All Things Comedy, this cooking show, that kind of fun shit where there's no real bosses... | ||
| It's way better for a guy like you or a guy like me. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| A podcast, same kind of thing. | ||
| You're never going to be able to be really authentically yourself with all these executives and producers and network notes and all that shit. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck they're doing, man. | ||
| They just don't. | ||
| Occasionally you'll get good advice. | ||
| But when something gets through with that sort of system and becomes a hit, it's almost by luck. | ||
| It's almost like, wow, what are the odds? | ||
| It's like a salmon making its way up a river. | ||
| Like, why would it go up river? | ||
| The fuck are you doing? | ||
| This is a terrible way to go. | ||
| You gotta jump over a waterfall? | ||
| That is so stupid. | ||
| Makes no sense. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the one that makes it and spawns, like, look, this is our system. | ||
| It works. | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| I guess this is it. | ||
| But it's almost like that. | ||
| It's like you're doing something that's like so counterintuitive. | ||
| You're doing something creative and you're being judged and ordered around by people who have zero creativity. | ||
| They're not funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If they were funny, they'd be comedians. | ||
| They're not funny. | ||
| But yet they're telling you what to do. | ||
| And then you have to think about their notes and you got to bring in the gay roommate and the fucking the black neighbor and the hot chick down the street that everybody wants to fuck and everyone's like tripping over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| No thanks, man. | ||
| When we went and did that first Something's Burnin', it's me, Bill, and Tom. | ||
| And I walked on set and I said, I'm super difficult to work with. | ||
| Just want everyone to know that. | ||
| Don't anyone stop me. | ||
| Don't anyone do anything. | ||
| I'll let you know when we start and I'll let you know when we're done. | ||
| And they're like, okay. | ||
| I said, just cover everything. | ||
| Don't ever ask me to stop and do anything. | ||
| Just cover everything. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| When they go, stop. | ||
| We're going to rewind. | ||
| Say that again. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| No, get a camera on me and stay out of the picture. | ||
| Just leave me alone. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They don't understand that every time you break that momentum, now I'm thinking about you and I'm thinking about that camera and I have to reset again. | ||
| Yeah, and we did it. | ||
| Me and Tom and Bill did that first one, just one take. | ||
| I think both Tom and Bill were like, I got 45 minutes. | ||
| I was like, perfect. | ||
| We got it all. | ||
| They got up. | ||
| I think they aired almost all of it. | ||
| And then everyone loved it. | ||
| And then Dillian and Bobby Lee came in. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| I was like, no one say a thing. | ||
| Dude, the best ones, Schaub and Brian Callen, to me, are my favorite. | ||
| Because you see Brandon Schaub. | ||
| He is so fucking funny in that. | ||
| He's a very funny dude. | ||
| He is so fucking funny in that. | ||
| What did you guys cook? | ||
| Oh my god, Joe. | ||
| We cooked crab, but we had to kill them on air, and you have to kill them in a humane way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, in order to do it, you have to kill them in a humane way. | ||
| What do you mean, in order to do it? | ||
| In order to kill a crab, legally, especially on YouTube, you gotta kill it in a humane way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, so it's gotta be within six seconds. | ||
| Dude, I shot an elk with a bow and arrow on YouTube. | ||
| You can watch an elk get shot through the heart with a bow and arrow. | ||
| You have to be careful with a crab. | ||
| All I know is that the one note we got was... | ||
| Didn't even have senses. | ||
| Well, Brian Callan took care of all the killing. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| He was so fucking funny. | ||
| How'd you kill it? | ||
| As you start by lifting up their dick and putting it... | ||
| Whoa, they have a dick? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think that's what it is. | ||
| And you jam it in. | ||
| You jam it in. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The knife. | ||
| Oh, well, what the fuck? | ||
| How about you bring that up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lift up their dick and you jam it in. | ||
| I'm thinking you're jamming their dick in. | ||
| Where are you putting it? | ||
| No, you take the knife, you lay the crab on its back. | ||
| You fuck them to death, bro. | ||
| You lift up the dick, you pop the knife in, and then you've got to hit the other side of it within like six seconds, and that's a humane death for the crab. | ||
| Otherwise, they're suffering. | ||
| So I show that to Brendan and Brendan's like, no bro, I'm definitely not fucking doing this. | ||
| And Brian just goes, I'll do it. | ||
| And literally like the Barber of Seville goes through and kills 20 fucking crabs like this. | ||
| I made them Chiappino and neither of them thought they'd like it and they loved it. | ||
| What's Chiappino? | ||
| That's like a soup? | ||
| It's like a... | ||
| Yeah, it's like a... | ||
| Here, watch Brian. | ||
| Watch fucking Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's... | |
| He's definitely fucking dead. | ||
| He's cut in half. | ||
| Well, wait a minute. | ||
| How is this... | ||
| Why is that humane? | ||
| Like, what a weird thing. | ||
| Like, you have to kill them humanely as opposed to boiling them alive. | ||
| Is that the idea? | ||
| Yes, I guess. | ||
| I'm not really certain. | ||
| You're not supposed to boil them alive? | ||
| But, like, with lobsters, they always boil them alive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they'll tell you you're supposed to boil them alive. | ||
| But I'm always like, well, what do you mean supposed to? | ||
| Like, says who? | ||
| Like, what happens if you don't boil them alive? | ||
| Like, what magic leaves their body where they don't taste as good if you don't boil them alive? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know about that. | ||
| How come you can't just cut their fucking head off, and then they're dead, and then you throw them in the boiling water? | ||
| What's happening here? | ||
| Why do they need to be kept alive? | ||
| Well, you want them to be fresh, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a big difference in seafood. | ||
| Seafood and freshness, that's huge. | ||
| You don't see dry-aged seafood. | ||
| If you get a piece of beef from a restaurant, like a steak, a lot of times it's aged. | ||
| Because the bacteria on the meat actually starts to break it down, and it makes it more tender, and it actually gives it a lot of that mold that they cut off of it. | ||
| You ever see dry-aged beef before they slice it up? | ||
| No. | ||
| Ready? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Show him... | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's a guy that I follow on Instagram that was doing something insane like... | ||
| I think they had like a 200-day dry-aged beef, which is just like... | ||
| Even hearing about that, you're like, what in the hell are you doing? | ||
| Whoa, that's what it looks like? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what dry-aged beef looks like. | ||
| It looks like it's rotten. | ||
| Like rotten meat. | ||
| And you lose some of the meat. | ||
| I mean, it's really wasteful in a way. | ||
| Because the outside edge, that black shit, they cut all that off. | ||
| So you're losing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See if you find a video, Jamie, of trimming. | ||
| Just Google trimming dry aged beef and look up YouTube. | ||
| Were you the guy that turned me on to the guy that had his own fridge and was doing it in his own fridge in his garage? | ||
| Oh yeah, I know a bunch of guys who do that. | ||
| I think he was doing it with elk, dry-aging elk maybe? | ||
| Yeah, I know quite a few guys do that. | ||
| So this is dry-aged meat. | ||
| So look at that. | ||
| He takes the outside. | ||
| Look, it looks rotten, man. | ||
| And he takes the outside and you cut into it and then I guess he's gonna cut all the fat off and he's gonna turn it into steaks. | ||
| What is he gonna do with all that fat? | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's throwing it in the garbage. | |
| So this fat... | ||
| When is he throwing that away? | ||
| So he's just gotta... | ||
| It seems like he's throwing that fat away. | ||
| So he keeps a lot of the fat on, and the fat on top is dry-aged. | ||
| So he's not losing any beef on top, he's just losing the sides. | ||
| Well, yeah, you're losing the outside edges in this particular cut, but on some steaks, you know, it depends on how long he's dry-aging it, too. | ||
| Like, when some people go really ham with that shit, they'll, you know, like I said, they'll dry-age for hundreds of days. | ||
| There's a lot of experimental stuff they're doing now. | ||
| I'm going to find this dude on Instagram. | ||
| Do you do that with elk? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've got to get you and Cam on if something's burning. | ||
| Yeah, we'll do it. | ||
| I would love that. | ||
| Cam can't cook, though. | ||
| You know, Dudley can. | ||
| Dudley can cook his ass off. | ||
| I'm the cook. | ||
| I'll cook for you guys. | ||
| Yeah, do you know how to cook? | ||
| Yeah, I know how to reverse sear. | ||
| But have you ever fucked around with wild game? | ||
| I'll give you some today. | ||
| And you could fuck around with it and then... | ||
| If you get it right, we'll figure out a way to do it. | ||
| I'll give you some recipes and stuff. | ||
| But it's not that difficult, but it's more tricky than beef. | ||
| Beef is hard to fuck up, especially fatty beef, because there's so much moisture. | ||
| Whereas elk, you're basically eating a bodybuilder. | ||
| You're eating an athlete. | ||
| And it's just a richer, darker meat and has very little fat in it. | ||
| But... | ||
| If you do it right, it's fantastic. | ||
| Have you had it before? | ||
| I've had your ground elk. | ||
| That's good, but that's hard. | ||
| The right way to do it is to do an elk steak. | ||
| I gotta fucking set up that goddamn grill out here, but we don't know how to... | ||
| Have proper ventilation. | ||
| I got one of those Yoder pellet grills in the back there, but we don't know how to get the proper ventilation. | ||
| We might need to get some sort of a permit, put like a vent like they would do with a kitchen. | ||
| God damn it, I can't find this guy's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it this one? | |
| No, rare gourmet meats. | ||
| Ooh, what does he got going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bunch of stuff. | |
| See if you find, like, just Google, try 500 day dry aged beef on YouTube. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These guys don't fuck around. | ||
| Can I tell you one of the coolest things you turned me on to? | ||
| What? | ||
| Fucking Adam Graintree. | ||
| Oh, he's an animal. | ||
| Dude, his Insta stories, like, I get bummed when I skip them. | ||
| And when he's on one of those epic hunts. | ||
| Yeah, no, he does not fuck around, dude. | ||
| That guy, he goes out by himself. | ||
| By himself? | ||
| Months at a time. | ||
| Extreme age steak, what does it say in there? | ||
| 420 days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, this one's 400 on this one. | |
| Oh, go to 400. Let's see what that looks like. | ||
| It probably looks terrible when they start cutting it up. | ||
| See, back it up a little bit so we can see. | ||
| Oh my god, I just saw this online the other day. | ||
| Like, I saw this and I didn't click on it. | ||
| So they, it's real weird, man. | ||
| I mean, you're basically letting it rot. | ||
| And you're relying on the bacteria to not completely flourish. | ||
| Like, you have to have a certain temperature. | ||
| I think they keep it somewhere around like 40 degrees or something like that. | ||
| And it's dry. | ||
| Like, look at that. | ||
| That looks terrible. | ||
| That looks like a rotten piece of meat. | ||
| But you're supposed to- he's gonna eat that? | ||
| Yeah, they're gonna eat the shit out of it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That is so weird, dude. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| It doesn't even look red anymore. | ||
| I mean, it's white. | ||
| And I think that's wagyu. | ||
| How do you say it? | ||
| Wagyu. | ||
| Wagyu. | ||
| What's the other word for that? | ||
| There's another word. | ||
| Oh, Kobe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is he eating it well? | ||
| Keep it going. | ||
| So he's going to sear it, I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then throw some thyme. | ||
| Oh, and then he's going to sous vide. | ||
| Ah, have you ever sous vide? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have. | |
| It takes forever to sous vide eggs. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Like an hour. | ||
| Really? | ||
| For soft-boiled eggs? | ||
| Yeah, I love soft-boiled eggs. | ||
| Sous vide's interesting, man, because you could have something and cook it, like, say, at 125 degrees, which is, like, where you want your steak to be, and you could have it in there for hours. | ||
| Yeah, what you do is you take your steaks, and you've got to vacuum seal them, sous vide them, and then you can just let them sit. | ||
| You're not going to overcook them, and then sear them. | ||
| Sear them in some butter and garlic. | ||
| Yeah, or with a blowtorch. | ||
| I do a blowtorch sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They have sous vide torches. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That guy's got the butter and the thyme. | ||
| Oh, sweet baby! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| What are you doing here, you fuck? | ||
| Look at him with his camera. | ||
| Slicing it open. | ||
| That's 400-day dry-aged meat. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's having a mouthgasm. | |
| Foodies are such dorks. | ||
| They just get so into it. | ||
| They just get so into it, man. | ||
| When you go travel, when you go to Thailand and stuff, do you get foodie and go in and try to find something dangerous and crazy, or do you just pretty much stay? | ||
| I didn't eat bugs, but I ate some really hot food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah, no bugs. | ||
| They try to serve me bugs. | ||
| I'm like, bitch, I hosted Fear Factor for six years. | ||
| Get that shit out of my face. | ||
| Wrong guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm not interested in your bugs. | ||
| Not only that, it doesn't gross me out at all. | ||
| Like, nothing grosses me out. | ||
| Like, eating bugs or anything, throw up. | ||
| I remember your wife threw up in her car one time. | ||
| Either I came over there, and you were cleaning out your wife's car. | ||
| I said, what are you doing here? | ||
| My wife threw up all over her car, one of those green drinks. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Like, if you bring up... | ||
| Like, Segura brought up throwing up the other day. | ||
| Just brought up throwing up, and I started gagging on his podcast. | ||
| Yeah, I'm immune. | ||
| I saw so many people throw up. | ||
| I've seen hundreds of people throw up right in front of me. | ||
| And I had to talk to them while they were puking. | ||
| And this is a learned skill. | ||
| Because when I first started doing a show, I would gag when I would see other people do it. | ||
| I'd be like... | ||
| But then after a while, it just went away. | ||
| That part of me is dead. | ||
| It's dead. | ||
| So when my wife threw up in her car, I was like, I'll clean it. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I was just cleaning it. | ||
| I cannot do that. | ||
| When my kids throw up, I'm like, I'm sorry you're on your own. | ||
| I clean up all the puke. | ||
| If my kids puke, I am the designated puke cleaner. | ||
| 100% of the time. | ||
| 100% of the time. | ||
| If someone throws up in the bed or somewhere else, I clean it up. | ||
| Dude, I came back from Utah one time, and I was firing hot, and I had a crazy weekend, and I just wasn't feeling right. | ||
| And we went and ate a big dinner, and I don't feel good. | ||
| I'm in bed. | ||
| I'm in a robe. | ||
| I'm in a Yankees robe. | ||
| And I get up, and I'm like, I'm not feeling good. | ||
| And I go into the bathroom, and I go to shit, but I start throwing up before I can shit. | ||
| And I sit in the robe, and I shit in the robe, and throw up on my lap. | ||
| And my wife's a thug. | ||
| She went, we got this. | ||
| Let's get you in the shower. | ||
| I'll take care of it. | ||
| Wow, that's a good woman right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good woman right there. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Literally, unless I'm out of town, my wife does not clean up puke. | ||
| She would tell me that the kid puked and not cleaned it up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because she'll start throwing up, and I won't at all. | ||
| She takes care of the chickens, though. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| We have a guy that we hire, too, that will take care of the chickens sometimes, especially when we're not there. | ||
| He'll handle certain things. | ||
| Chickens are a little bit of effort. | ||
| You've got to clean up the cage. | ||
| You've got to collect the eggs every day. | ||
| We had some squirrels stealing eggs. | ||
| We had a real issue with that. | ||
| I got a squirrel that I have to hose out of our chicken coop. | ||
| Yeah, well, Marshall took care of that. | ||
| Marshall fucks up squirrels, dude. | ||
| Marshall is the sweetest dog of all time. | ||
| Unless you're a squirrel, then he's the devil. | ||
| I mean, I've never seen a dog so determined to kill a squirrel. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| He goes out now and he looks for them. | ||
| He runs to the chicken coop and then he circles the chicken coop, looking to see where these motherfuckers are getting in, see if anybody's around there, see if anybody's slipping. | ||
| But I was on the road and my wife sent me a picture of Marshall with a squirrel in his mouth and she's so happy because she doesn't like squirrels because the squirrels are fucking up all the... | ||
| They steal all the chicken food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like squirrels. | ||
| I think they're cute. | ||
| So for me, I'm like, so what? | ||
| They steal the chicken food. | ||
| Make more chicken food. | ||
| But then they start stealing the eggs. | ||
| And I was like, oh, you get you pushing it. | ||
| You can't steal my food. | ||
| That's my food. | ||
| You can't steal the eggs. | ||
| Let me find this. | ||
| Our chickens are family members. | ||
| Yeah, they are, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I came home when it was like, you remember when it was like 120 and all the trees were dying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I walked in and Leanne had the chickens in the house. | ||
| She's like, they can't be out there. | ||
| It's too fucking hot. | ||
| Yeah, but they do. | ||
| They have to be out there. | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's all happy. | ||
| This is ingrained in his DNA. Oh, 100%. | ||
| And his mouth is soft, so he doesn't like... | ||
| He's like, I want to bring it back to you fully intact so that you can't... | ||
| So that if you need this... | ||
| Is that blood on his chest? | ||
| Uh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's blood. | ||
| Yeah, well, he brings things to you always, because he's a retriever, so he has a little box of stuffed toys that he has in the house, and he's the only dog that I've ever had that doesn't mangle every toy you give him, because I've had pit bulls and mastiffs, and you give them a toy, and they just... | ||
| They just start tearing them apart. | ||
| He just carries them around. | ||
| He carries them around. | ||
| He brings to you. | ||
| So when I see him in the morning, I'm like, good morning, sir. | ||
| Good morning. | ||
| And he's wagging his tails happy. | ||
| And the first thing he does is run over to his pile of toys, grabs one, and comes over with it. | ||
| Brings you a present. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, he has it in his mouth. | ||
| He's a retriever. | ||
| If you see retrievers running, a lot of times they're carrying their leash in their mouth as they're running. | ||
| They love to hold onto things in their mouth. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Does he dive in underwater? | ||
| Oh, he fucking swims like a motherfucker, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude! | |
| That dog is always in the water. | ||
| He will dive from the deep end. | ||
| If the kids are playing in the pool, and I'll let him out the door, he runs to the pool, stands on the edge, and then leaps into the water and splashes. | ||
| He fucking loves it. | ||
| Does he dive underwater, though? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| I used to have a black lab, and you could throw one of those rings underwater, and she'd dive to the bottom, grab it, and pull it up. | ||
| Oh, he doesn't do that. | ||
| Oh, I guarantee you he will. | ||
| I guarantee you he will. | ||
| I bet he would if I taught him how to do it, but he swims like crazy. | ||
| It's instinctual, those fucking dogs. | ||
| My Bull Mastiff, I cannot get her in the pool. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She looks at me like you're trying to pitch anal sex to your wife. | ||
| She's like, come on. | ||
| We both know how this is going to go. | ||
| No one's going to be happy. | ||
| Yeah, Johnny Cash, and people always ask me to have pictures of my other dogs. | ||
| They're actually both passed away now. | ||
| I had to put them both down. | ||
| Both your bullmastiffs? | ||
| No, the bullmastiff and the English bulldog, Shibuino mix. | ||
| They were both 13 years old, and Johnny couldn't walk anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was really rough. | |
| The last few days of his life, I would try to bring him in for dinner. | ||
| And when I would try to bring him in, he literally couldn't make it. | ||
| It was a small yard where he was at. | ||
| We're talking about like, you know, 15 yards. | ||
| He couldn't make it 15 yards to the house. | ||
| He would take a couple steps, and his body would shake, and he'd take a couple steps, and he was just sleeping all day. | ||
| And he was also having a really hard time shitting, and he would occasionally shit in the house. | ||
| He couldn't hold his bowels, and he couldn't go outside when he wanted to. | ||
| You'd see him trying, but his body was so old. | ||
| For a Mastiff, 13 years old is crazy old. | ||
| A lot of them die at eight or nine, and he was 13. He was a sweet, sweet dog up until the end, but he was suffering. | ||
| It was hard. | ||
| It's hard when you know them when they're a puppy. | ||
| And then 10 years later, you're kind of the same. | ||
| And they're not, man. | ||
| They're gone. | ||
| I think about that with Marshall because he's only a year and a half. | ||
| And he's so full of life. | ||
| And he's so fun. | ||
| He's so silly and playful and happy. | ||
| I'm like, man, there's going to be a day where Marshall's this old, old, old dog. | ||
| And I'm going to have to put him down too. | ||
| It was depressing and the other one Brutus the Shibu Ino English Bulldog mix he was better than Johnny for a long time still I've known for the last two years that they didn't have much time left You know they were they were both struggling hard, but Brutus took a real hard turn over the last few months where He wouldn't even come in. | ||
| Like, I'd try to get him to come in. | ||
| I'm like, come on, buddy, you want to eat? | ||
| I'd try to put a little food in front of his face, and he would try to stand up, and his legs would be shaking. | ||
| It's just so hard, man. | ||
| It's so hard watching them fade away. | ||
| And then also watching them suffer. | ||
| The last days where you have to decide. | ||
| Me and my wife had to have conversations like, look, we have to do something. | ||
| One day we're going to come home and there's going to be a dead dog. | ||
| And it's not like they're having a good time. | ||
| This is a horrible, suffering, slow demise. | ||
| Did you have someone come to the house or did you take them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was rough, dude. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| Yeah, Priscilla's seven. | ||
| And I mean, I got her when I first started doing this podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How big is she? | |
| 140. Yeah, that's a big dog, man. | ||
| She's had five knee surgeries. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucking expensive, too. | ||
| Oh, you have no idea. | ||
| I do have an idea. | ||
| I bet you do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a female pit bull that had two ACL reconstructions. | ||
| She had both of her back legs done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She blew one out. | ||
| I got it fixed. | ||
| She blew the other one out. | ||
| I had to get that fixed, too. | ||
| And with a dog, they shaved the bone down. | ||
| They don't, like, reconstruct it where they add, like, another ligament. | ||
| They shave the bone down so it doesn't... | ||
| So it, like, sits on it differently. | ||
| So it locks in place. | ||
| So it doesn't pop off and go, like, out of socket or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| But... | ||
| It's like 10 grand a pop, right? | ||
| I'm not going to tell everyone how much because they'd stop liking me in a minute. | ||
| They'd be like, what kind of fucking Hollywood idiot are you? | ||
| You just kill a dog like that. | ||
| But she got one ACL and then we fixed it. | ||
| Then while this one's healing and it's turning good, the other ACL goes out. | ||
| So we fix that one. | ||
| We're like, all right, we're done. | ||
| And then as this one's healing, this one goes out again. | ||
| And that's when they're like, do you want to put it down? | ||
| And I'm like, no, man. | ||
| I'm fucking... | ||
| It was like five grand a pop, I think. | ||
| And then it even adds up more because then they're like, we should keep her here while she's healing to do it. | ||
| And feed her diamonds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they realize as they're doing this one... | ||
| That something's wrong with her kneecap. | ||
| And then they realize she's got, you know, it's overbreeding in her breed, that her kneecaps are bad. | ||
| So they fix this one, this one, replace both her kneecaps, and then one more goes out. | ||
| And they're like, alright. | ||
| But man, that dog is the greatest fucking dog. | ||
| Mastiffs are amazing. | ||
| They're some of my favorite dogs ever. | ||
| They're so chill. | ||
| Dude, the sweetest dog gets up in bed with you in the morning and just puts her face right up on you and just does one of those big cow breaths. | ||
| And you're like, oh, I'm here. | ||
| They're so relaxed, too. | ||
| They're just a different kind of dog. | ||
| Very relaxed. | ||
| And I feel comfortable. | ||
| When I go on the road, I feel comfortable knowing there's a 140-pound animal that would give its life for my daughters. | ||
| One of our dogs sleeps in one of our daughters' beds. | ||
| One of our dogs Priscilla sleeps in George's bed. | ||
| And I go, I'm good. | ||
| No one's coming in anywhere. | ||
| No one's breaking in anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got a buddy who was a German Shepherd, a police dog. | ||
| And it's one of those dogs that he has to be with all the time and train all the time. | ||
| But this dog, it's a disturbing thing to have. | ||
| Because you basically have an assassin that lives with you that's just waiting for orders. | ||
| Just waiting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My buddy's got a German Shepherd that he hasn't quite figured out yet. | ||
| You can't work a full-time job and just leave that thing alone in the yard. | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| They're intense dogs. | ||
| They're intense. | ||
| And they're smart as fuck, so in a weird way, it's like dealing with a complicated chick. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| You're like, I know you have daddy issues, but I can't really figure them out, and I'm not spending enough time with you. | ||
| Oh, you can't fix them. | ||
| You could train a dog. | ||
| Try training a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Get out of here. | ||
| If you meet someone, I don't hear a woman or a man, you meet someone who's completely fucking crazy, you gotta get out of there. | ||
| You gotta go. | ||
| You can't just, I'm gonna fix them. | ||
| We know a lot of people that try to fix them. | ||
| Like Brian Cowan, when I first met him, was always trying to fix these crazy girls. | ||
| And I was like, dude, you gotta save yourself. | ||
| You gotta save yourself, man. | ||
| You can't fix someone. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| I remember the day I decided I would never fix a chick again. | ||
| It was a one night stand and I came in like 15 seconds. | ||
| And I told her, I said, hey, I came. | ||
| And then I was about to say, give me a second, let me reboot, and we'll go back at it. | ||
| But she was on top of me, she goes, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| And she punched the wall. | ||
| She goes, you gotta learn how to fuck. | ||
| You need to read a book or get online and learn how to fuck. | ||
| And I gently rolled out of bed, and I was like, I think you need to go home. | ||
| I was like, this isn't happening anymore. | ||
| And then she was like, excuse me? | ||
| And I was like, listen, I'm not your boyfriend, and I'm not your fucking husband, and what I just saw, I'm not gonna be able to help. | ||
| And she was like, and then you could see it in her eyes, like, I gotta get on a train and go to Brooklyn? | ||
| She was like, and they started getting pissed. | ||
| By the way, I'm in my kitchen now in New York. | ||
| Condom's still on. | ||
| This is how it tapped out. | ||
| I go grab a beer out of the refrigerator, still naked, condom on, start drinking a beer. | ||
| My roommate Weecho walks out and he's like, what the fuck? | ||
| I go, I got it handled. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| Walk her to the fucking door. | ||
| Walk her to the door. | ||
| And this might be the most beautiful moment of my life. | ||
| Walk her to the door. | ||
| And she's like, are you fucking serious? | ||
| Are you fucking serious? | ||
| Like, in my face. | ||
| And she goes, you're pathetic. | ||
| And tries to humiliate me. | ||
| And I go, listen. | ||
| I fucked you and came. | ||
| I won. | ||
| And she looks at me and goes like this. | ||
| And goes like this. | ||
| Goes like this. | ||
| And I flinch so fucking hard. | ||
| I go... | ||
| And we both start laughing. | ||
| She started laughing, too? | ||
| Oh, we both start laughing immediately. | ||
| And then she just smiles and goes, it's four in the fucking morning in my apartment building. | ||
| And she goes, Bert, crash or can't fuck! | ||
| And starts banging on doors. | ||
| I'm like, all right, this is over. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Take the charge. | ||
| What a good catch. | ||
| Do you keep her number? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Follow her on Facebook occasionally. | ||
| Check in, see where she's in jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| You want to hear a really great story? | ||
| So, before I fucked her, one night, like, I jacked off in front of her. | ||
| Like, not in a Louie way, but, like, we both masturbate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not in a Louie way! | |
| Oh, poor Louie. | ||
| We both masturbated in front of each other in my apartment. | ||
| I think we were doing coke and candles lit and a glass of wine. | ||
| She's like, I just want to... | ||
| It was cool. | ||
| It was playful and fun. | ||
| And we get done and she's like, hey, just so you know, you can't tell anyone about this. | ||
| And I was like, no, because she knew a bunch of comics in New York. | ||
| I go, I won't tell a soul. | ||
| I won't tell a soul. | ||
| She's like, promise? | ||
| I swear to God, so the next day... | ||
| Do you tell everyone? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| The next day I'm walking to the Boston Comedy Club and Rich Voss is out smoking a cigarette. | ||
| I go, what's up? | ||
| And he goes, heard you've jacked off in front of Jennifer last night. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| And he goes, me too. | ||
| She needed a ride home from Brooklyn one time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Fucking boss. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, those were the days. | ||
| Those were the days. | ||
| If you could go back to one point in your stand-up career, for one year, you've got to live one year in your stand-up career. | ||
| You can't pick right now where you are right now, but you've got to go back to one point when one year, every day you show up and it's either like the store in 97 when you're meeting Ari and everyone and you and Duncan, Duncan's living on your couch or whatever, I don't know what year that was, but around then or... | ||
| You go to the part where it's that, I mean, probably one of the more interesting parts is when you get banned from the store from them and see a shit, and you're literally like, fuck it. | ||
| I'm a man on a mission. | ||
| That's one of the more interesting parts in your story and your life, in my opinion, is when everyone fucking backed out on you, and you were like, nah, I don't go out like that, motherfuckers. | ||
| And you just start fucking building. | ||
| What year would you pick? | ||
| I would pick the early days. | ||
| I'd pick like when I was just starting to get work. | ||
| In Boston? | ||
| Yeah, it was like a middle act. | ||
| I'd pick those days. | ||
| Doing weird, shitty road gigs. | ||
| You know, early 20s. | ||
| Careless. | ||
| No responsibilities. | ||
| No worries. | ||
| No... | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Didn't even have a credit card. | ||
| Had nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those were the good days in a lot of ways. | ||
| It's not that today's not awesome. | ||
| Today's way better, for sure. | ||
| But what was good about those days is that there's so much wild and freeness. | ||
| There's so much... | ||
| You know, I remember one time I did this gig in Maine. | ||
| And then after the gig, I met this girl. | ||
| We had a couple drinks. | ||
| We're hanging out. | ||
| We're both like the same age. | ||
| I think I was probably 22, 23. She's probably somewhere around the same age, 22, 23. And we're just young and it's the summertime and we hung out and we wind up banging in my car. | ||
| I had like a Honda Accord and we didn't even go in the backseat because there was really barely a backseat, right? | ||
| We like folded down the front seat flat. | ||
| And then the windows rolled down and we're just sitting there hanging out and laughing. | ||
| And I remember having this unique moment where I realized, like, this is not going to be my life forever. | ||
| I'm not going to be 22 years old with like $100 in the bank, not knowing what I'm doing, not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what the future holds, but yet okay with it. | ||
| You can only be okay with that for a certain amount of years. | ||
| When you're 45 and you have $100 in the bank and you don't know what you're doing and your career is not really established, you don't really have a clear path, that's scary. | ||
| That's dangerous. | ||
| It feels like you're a loser. | ||
| You feel pathetic. | ||
| You feel like you haven't done what you need to do. | ||
| There's a certain amount of discipline that you haven't taken part in and because of that your life is chaotic. | ||
| Whereas when you're 22 and that's happening, It's like that Bob Seger song. | ||
| What was that Bob Seger song? | ||
| Ramblin' Gramblin' Man? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't remember which one. | ||
| You know, he's got a lot of songs about it. | ||
| Night moves? | ||
| Maybe it's like a rock. | ||
| Maybe it's night moves. | ||
| But the idea of that, you're recognizing that this is a unique moment in your youth. | ||
| That it's all, like, who knows what's going to happen. | ||
| I mean, you might die in a car accident tomorrow. | ||
| You know, who knows? | ||
| You might never make it as a comedian. | ||
| You might take a job somewhere, and you might always have regret. | ||
| But right now, you're having fun. | ||
| Right now, you're basically just a couple of years out of high school. | ||
| And, you know, you did a comedy gig, and you're meeting some pretty girl, and you guys are laughing, and you're hanging out, and you're having a good time, and it's summer, and the windows roll down, and the air is warm, and it's just... | ||
| There's something... | ||
| It was something amazing about it. | ||
| Those days were fascinating, man. | ||
| And Greg and I, Fitzsimmons and I, did a shit ton of gigs together. | ||
| We worked together a lot back in those days. | ||
| Because we started out within a week of each other. | ||
| We were open micers at the exact same time. | ||
| And we did a ton of gigs together. | ||
| Yeah, we basically, we traveled all over the place together. | ||
| We did a lot of gigs in Rhode Island and all over the place. | ||
| All the Massachusetts hell gigs, we did all those things together. | ||
| And we still to this day will look back and laugh at those days. | ||
| Hey Jamie, Gerard Carmichael is at the wrong spot. | ||
| Tell Jeff to get on the ball. | ||
| Those days were... | ||
| They're just real unique in that you really have no idea. | ||
| You have no idea. | ||
| You have no idea what the fuck the future holds. | ||
| It's a completely different experience. | ||
| Your life is a completely different experience than it will ever be ever again. | ||
| And I remember that. | ||
| I remember that moment. | ||
| I don't know why it's that one night with one girl that I never talk to again. | ||
| Because back then, you'd have to call someone. | ||
| They'd have to be home. | ||
| In 1990, they had to be home. | ||
| You'd call them on the phone. | ||
| If they weren't home, you're like, well, I guess they're not home. | ||
| It wasn't like today. | ||
| You could text someone, or you could email them. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You had to call them at their house. | ||
| There's a few of those that I remember. | ||
| The idea that you didn't have phones. | ||
| I remember road trips with Tom and we just would talk for fucking hours. | ||
| We drove to Sacramento one time, talked for five hours there, ten hours you spend with a human being. | ||
| No one's on their phone. | ||
| There's something real about that, right? | ||
| I think we're definitely missing something. | ||
| We're definitely missing something with these phones. | ||
| But then we're gaining something, too. | ||
| We're gaining a lot more information. | ||
| I'll tell you what, my kids haven't lit anyone on fire. | ||
| Like, we did that when we were kids with no phones. | ||
| We lit a kid on fire one time just because we were bored. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| There's good and bad. | ||
| It's like, it balances out, I guess. | ||
| But if you had to go back to any time in your comedy career, when would you go? | ||
| Right when I first started headlining, like that first time I just had kids, they were young, I was making $1,300 a week on the road, and I was so passionate about stand-up. | ||
| I was kind of pretty hacky, I bet, but I just would give everything, every night, you do everything. | ||
| Six shows, Thursday through Sunday, and I'd fly in early for press, and I'd get excited to do press. | ||
| And I'd come in, and I'd just be like... | ||
| And I had my notebook with me all the time, and I was like... | ||
| Every idea was like a brand new field. | ||
| It felt like you just discovered the internet, and every page had so much to offer. | ||
| And then I think I got into... | ||
| Oddly enough, when I got into Travel Channel stuff, I kind of took a second backseat. | ||
| And I was headlining and I was like, yeah, yeah, I can do this confidently. | ||
| And I think I'm there now. | ||
| Like right now I feel like I'm back to this place where I go, like I'm just writing so fucking much where I'm like, oh God, like everything. | ||
| Like I feel like everything. | ||
| That's the thing that happens when you have to do a special every couple of years when you're filming. | ||
| The one thing that definitely happens is you're forced into this creativity. | ||
| You're forced to. | ||
| Whereas we're both aware of those people that don't write. | ||
| And they sit around for a long time with the same material and then it goes year after year after year and then it gets staler and staler and flatter and Or the kind of people that write the exact same joke next year. | ||
| Their hours, the same hours, just they say it differently. | ||
| For me, I took this hour so fucking seriously. | ||
| I took it, like I was saying to someone the other day, I did 150 sets. | ||
| I performed that hour 150 times before I did it on Netflix, or before I did it in the truck. | ||
| I did it 150 times. | ||
| I did the math. | ||
| I went, wow, man, I like, and I rearranged it. | ||
| Like, that working an hour and figuring out where to place stuff and figuring out where stuff should go, I'm obsessive about that. | ||
| Where'd you film? | ||
| In the Trocadero. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Two shows. | ||
| It was fucking, it was, I mean, the second show was a dream. | ||
| That's a great spot. | ||
| I lowered the stage so that I'm in the audience. | ||
| I put a half moon in there so it wasn't just a little plank. | ||
| No smoke machine. | ||
| I'd seen everyone had smoke machines. | ||
| I didn't want a smoke machine. | ||
| And I think it really paid off. | ||
| This sounds silly, and you won't notice this when you watch a special, but because that place is so old, there's little particles of dust everywhere. | ||
| And you can almost see them in the back. | ||
| It looks like little stars in the back. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Panicles of dust, really? | ||
| Yeah, it looks badass. | ||
| It looks fucking badass. | ||
| What is your writing process like? | ||
| Do you write stuff out on paper? | ||
| Do you write it on a computer? | ||
| How do you do it? | ||
| I write... | ||
| I don't sit and longhand anything anymore because it just... | ||
| I end up losing so much. | ||
| It just doesn't help. | ||
| So what I do is if I see something, or if something happens, it's usually something happens to me, and then I go, oh, that's the bit. | ||
| And I'll write it in my phone, and I'll just put it in my phone, or I'll also write it in my book. | ||
| Because I bring my book with me on stage, and I'll go to my book, and I'll see the one-word thing. | ||
| And, you know, I say I tell stories, and I know I'm known for telling like 12-minute stories, but like most of my stories are a little tighter now, and what I'm writing is a little tighter, so I kind of work it out on stage. | ||
| Mostly. | ||
| But I record every set. | ||
| I then go through the recordings. | ||
| I write a lot on stage. | ||
| And I'll write down, like, fuck, that's funny. | ||
| Like, even stupid, silly lines. | ||
| And so that's the part where I... And then once I get it like that, then I just... | ||
| Then I record it again, and I find the parts where the silence is, or where I'm lazy, where I go, oh, I need something. | ||
| I can't just go, suck my dick! | ||
| And that's the punchline. | ||
| But yeah, I record it, I write it, but I don't longhand write it. | ||
| It just doesn't work for me. | ||
| So when you say you write it, how are you writing it? | ||
| Are you just writing bullet points? | ||
| Yeah, so I'll write bullet points, like I'm trying to think of the, okay, so like I have a, the joke, my best joke I'm telling right now, without a doubt, is about, it's kind of about you. | ||
| But it's not about you at all, but the opening thing was just some, and the only part I'll tell you is, I went into a Starbucks and I thought I was getting recognized, and a young black kid behind the counter came up to me, he's like, dude, like, oh my god, and I'm like, yeah, and he's like, I'm a huge fan of Joe Rogan's. | ||
| And I was like, oh. | ||
| And so then me and him had an interaction, and I made him laugh. | ||
| And I went, oh, that was funny. | ||
| So then the next day, I came back and I made him laugh again, and I went, oh, I know where this is. | ||
| So then I write it out, and I figure it out. | ||
| And then that other interaction was so big, I realized, oh, I needed three of those. | ||
| So then I'll punch it out. | ||
| And I find the things that make it rhythmic and the things like, for me, things that catch an audience is like I go, and then he fell down. | ||
| And then when the woman said something, he gets up, leans up, like it's almost the rhythm of the way to say it for me, along with the joke, if that makes any sense. | ||
| That's definitely the case. | ||
| Like if someone's a really good storyteller, it's like there's a whole thing going on. | ||
| There's a physical thing going on? | ||
| There's a rhythm thing going on? | ||
| Stan Hope is really good at rhythm. | ||
| When jokes he says, it's easier for me to talk about Stan Hope than about myself. | ||
| But when he's talking about ISIS and how they recruit people, and it's identical to how he recruits people... | ||
| And he goes, ISIS, I'm working this corner. | ||
| That phrasing, a good phrase for me. | ||
| Burr does it amazingly. | ||
| Burr does it amazingly. | ||
| What does he say he does that's similar to ISIS? He was watching a video. | ||
| This is on his special, so I'm not putting any jokes out. | ||
| This is on his special. | ||
| He talks about how ISIS goes online and finds, like, pathetic young men who can't get laid and have drinking and drug problems. | ||
| And then they bring them in and they show them a good time and they get them drunk. | ||
| And he's like, that's how I recruit people! | ||
| And the line is so great. | ||
| He's like, ISIS, I'm working this corner! | ||
| It's such a great old Barker's technique. | ||
| He's got the weirdest fucking life ever. | ||
| I mean, he's basically got a little cult going on in Arizona. | ||
| He wants to do Sober October. | ||
| What?! | ||
| Come on! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yup. | |
| Is he gonna take the yoga classes? | ||
| We should make him. | ||
| We should rent a house for him in LA. So we give him incentive to come here. | ||
| I've been trying to get him to move back here forever. | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing with your little cult down there? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Come hang out at the store. | ||
| Because he hung out at the store a couple nights. | ||
| He's like, this place is incredible. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I go, it's amazing. | ||
| I go, this is Valhalla. | ||
| This is the craziest. | ||
| In terms of what I've experienced, this is the craziest era of stand-up ever. | ||
| And the store is the epicenter. | ||
| I'm like, you should be here all the time. | ||
| He's like, I don't know. | ||
| I go, what do you mean you don't know? | ||
| You're Doug fucking Stanhope. | ||
| Get in here, man. | ||
| I go, just get an apartment near here. | ||
| It would be great if he was here for all October. | ||
| God, we could just talk him in a state. | ||
| I'm like, why don't you get a place here and there? | ||
| You're a wealthy man of leisure. | ||
| Do whatever you want. | ||
| I called him up one night. | ||
| It's like 5 o'clock at night. | ||
| And I was like, bullshit. | ||
| And I go, what you up to? | ||
| And this is why I love Doug. | ||
| He goes, I'm having grapefruit and vodka, having a cigarette, trying to think of some goofs. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| He goes, I'm trying to rework knock-knock jokes. | ||
| I'm trying to make knock-knock jokes present. | ||
| Like, let me run one by you. | ||
| And he tells me his version of a knock-knock joke. | ||
| And it's so fucking funny. | ||
| And I go, Doug, how old are you? | ||
| He's like, I don't know, 49, 50. And you're just sitting in your pajamas writing goofs. | ||
| And he goes, that's our life. | ||
| I was like, fuck yes. | ||
| Yeah, that's his life. | ||
| My daughters will see me doing it where I'm like, we're out to dinner and something will happen and I'll just be like, Like mouthing to myself, and I'm working the bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, are you writing a joke right now? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, sorry. | ||
| I'd get up and run. | ||
| I'd get out of the room. | ||
| Oh, for real? | ||
| I'd be right back, be right back, be right back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Everybody leaves me alone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I... I have an idea. | ||
| If I have an idea and anybody gets in there, the idea will escape. | ||
| It'll slip away. | ||
| Like, if I have an idea, especially kids, like young kids... | ||
| They just start talking. | ||
| And then they demand your attention. | ||
| To capture a bit, you have to have silence. | ||
| You can't have people talking at you, or you'll consider what they're saying, like, oh, really? | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And then, what was I just thinking of? | ||
| Shit! | ||
| It'll go away. | ||
| So I treat those things like they're gold. | ||
| If I have an idea, and it's a real idea, like a real idea, where I get excited, I'm like, oh, shit. | ||
| I run. | ||
| I get up off the table. | ||
| Right back! | ||
| Right back! | ||
| Gotta go! | ||
| Got an idea! | ||
| And, you know, people who are not into that and don't get creativity and don't write or don't do stand-up, it'll weird them out. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And you have to come back and apologize. | ||
| Like, sorry, I just had an idea and I had to capture it in the moment. | ||
| I just have to write it down. | ||
| And I'll show it to them on my phone. | ||
| Like, look, I had to write it down. | ||
| Oh, I'm a daydreamer. | ||
| I literally will sit and just talk in the middle of dinner with my family and just talk something out. | ||
| Just be like... | ||
| So you can hold it while you're talking to them about other shit? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I tap everyone out. | ||
| I tap everyone out. | ||
| I tell my Uber drivers, hey man, I'm not crazy. | ||
| I'm a comic. | ||
| And I just sit and I'll work a bit out like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| Like, I got high as fuck the other night. | ||
| I got high as fuck the other night. | ||
| This is before the triathlon because I wasn't smoking pot up and—or no, no, it was before the triathlon. | ||
| I walked in, and I walked in the house. | ||
| I was way too high. | ||
| I was coming back from the store, I guess. | ||
| And I walk in the kitchen, and my Bull Mastiff is putting away the silverware. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's got elbow on the counter, putting away the silverware. | ||
| Putting away the silverware? | ||
| That's what I said. | ||
| And she looks at me like, are you going to fucking help? | ||
| And then I realize, oh, she's eating a cake on the counter. | ||
| But I was so high. | ||
| Your dog was eating a cake on the counter? | ||
| On the counter, like just up with hand stabilizing and just going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| And I started laughing so hard that my brain thought it was silverware that I was like, oh, I walked right out to the man cave. | ||
| And Joe, I must have stood there for an hour trying to write that bit. | ||
| Like just going. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did you take the cake away from the dog? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was a coffee cake. | ||
| It was a coffee cake. | ||
| We were fine. | ||
| Actually, I went up and helped her eat it a little bit. | ||
| She looked at me and she's like, we're doing this together? | ||
| I was like, yeah, we're running a train, bitch. | ||
| But I went into the man cave and I just was talking and my wife came back. | ||
| And I'm standing in the man cave just going like, just hands moving. | ||
| And then I was like, I walked in. | ||
| My wife's like, are you going to bed? | ||
| And I was like, I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a bit. | ||
| And she's like, all right. | ||
| And just left. | ||
| Yeah, I'll jump up in the middle of the night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If I have a bit that's in my head and I'm in bed, I've said to myself before, I'll remember that. | ||
| And I never do. | ||
| Never fucking remember it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never. | |
| Never. | ||
| Occasionally, one out of a hundred times, I'll be like taking a leak and I'll go, oh yeah, and then I'll remember it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those jokes are slippery. | ||
| Like Neil Brennan said it best. | ||
| He said that he thinks of his notebook as like a net for catching ideas. | ||
| I'm like, ooh, I like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's a good way of looking at it. | ||
| You gotta have something on you at all times, because something happens all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where you're like... | ||
| Well, the phone is the best, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| I don't know if you use the dictation feature. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Do you ever do that? | ||
| I won't ever listen to it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| With notes. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You just talk, and it'll voice to text. | ||
| On the plane last night, or wherever I was yesterday night, I was trying to type in white supremacist, and it came up white supreme hoodie. | ||
| And I thought, oh, that's funny that you'd try to, like, I ordered a white supremacist hoodie on accident. | ||
| There's nothing to it right now, but I wrote it and I go, all right, we got that in the pocket. | ||
| I got them all. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| White the fuck up. | ||
| I just heard someone say that. | ||
| I have hundreds of them that never did anything. | ||
| So I'll go over through them. | ||
| Like sometimes if I'm stale, I'll just go scrolling through them. | ||
| I go, what do I got here? | ||
| What do I got here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do I got here? | |
| Oh yeah, I never tried that. | ||
| And one of those I never tried. | ||
| I tried last night at the Ice House. | ||
| And there's something there. | ||
| There's something there. | ||
| It's not good yet, but it's a seed. | ||
| There's something there. | ||
| And you've got to water those seeds, and you've got to take chances with them, and you've got to know how many of those dud seeds you can plant in a set while people are sitting there paying attention. | ||
| You've got to give them real bits, too. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Last night, anybody who came to the show, I hope you had a good time, but I had at least four solid duds in there. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| I don't know where I'm going with them. | ||
| And then I go places and I'm like, Jesus, what are you even saying? | ||
| It's so extreme. | ||
| I will go, at the end of my show, I'll work, everything that's working, like right now I've got about 52 new minutes. | ||
| Damn, that was quick. | ||
| From when? | ||
| From when I shot my special. | ||
| How many months ago? | ||
| Shot it in February. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've got 52 minutes now that I am. | ||
| Why are they spending that much time before they show it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a long-ass time, isn't it? | ||
| We shot it in February? | ||
| March, April, May, June, July, August. | ||
| Six months? | ||
| I guess that's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eliza's a little shorter, but not much. | ||
| But just like a month, maybe? | ||
| We shot ours on the same day. | ||
| And so like... | ||
| That's great, though, that you already have 50 minutes. | ||
| I just... | ||
| I'm back. | ||
| Like, I'm just in it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I'm where I'm at. | ||
| It's also my thing. | ||
| It's like the only thing I got. | ||
| That's what's making me money. | ||
| So that's where my eggs are. | ||
| God, isn't it so much better than working for the Travel Channel? | ||
| You have no fucking idea. | ||
| I remember when you were doing it, I was telling you like, Bert, you're a funny guy, man. | ||
| You could be making a living doing comedy and not having these bosses and be on roller coasters every weekend. | ||
| And biting your tongue. | ||
| Remember I used to smoke weed in here and you guys have to move the cameras? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have to hide. | |
| You have to hide the weed. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| God, that was so crazy. | ||
| But that's what happens with one of those gigs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Howie Mandel went on stage at the Laugh Factory once, and he was talking about how scared he was that he could say something on stage and someone could tell his bosses, because he does a family show, and that he could get fired. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| Like, you're a comic. | ||
| Like, he's Howie Mandel. | ||
| Dude, when I was just coming up, just starting, he already had specials. | ||
| And they were really funny. | ||
| He was really fucking funny back then, man. | ||
| Dude, amazing. | ||
| Howie Mandel, back in the day, some of his early CDs, really hilarious shit. | ||
| But... | ||
| And he's still funny. | ||
| He's still a funny guy. | ||
| He's always going to be a funny guy. | ||
| But when I was watching him say that, I was like, that is the craziest thing I've ever heard. | ||
| He's worried about getting fired for saying something on stage, like saying fuck in his act or talking about something in his act that someone deems too inappropriate for a family show. | ||
| And he can lose this gig at America's Got Talent. | ||
| Is that what he's on? | ||
| The Wall or something? | ||
| Can you imagine wanting that gig? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Travel Channel came back very recently and asked me if I'd come back. | ||
| And they're like, tell us whatever you want to do. | ||
| And part of me was like, I think I'm doing it. | ||
| I have a Netflix special. | ||
| I have my podcast. | ||
| I have a solo podcast. | ||
| I've got Something's Burning. | ||
| Always on the road doing stand-up? | ||
| Yeah, I love writing. | ||
| I mean, I'm writing faster and better now. | ||
| Than I've ever written. | ||
| And this special, I mean, the best compliment I've ever gotten is Tom watched it and was like, I had tears in my eyes, and it's you. | ||
| It's not, this is you. | ||
| It's who you are. | ||
| And I was like, man, fucking, I wish you worked for the New York fucking Times. | ||
| Like, that is the greatest compliment, but... | ||
| I mean, I talked to Jamie about it after. | ||
| I was like, I don't mind shooting content, making free content, putting it out on my own watch, like going to swim with orcas in Norway, and me shooting it, and doing it, or me and you going spearfishing in Miami, and covering it, and shooting it, and editing it, so that it's badass music. | ||
| And I don't even care if it's monetized, but it's something that people watch and are like, fuck, that's badass. | ||
| I don't mind doing any of that. | ||
| But to do something with someone else giving me notes and telling me how I should... | ||
| Behave. | ||
| Well, not only that, the Travel Channel's super conservative, right? | ||
| Well, they got bought by Discovery, so they're loosening up a lot. | ||
| Oh, weren't they owned by, like, some Christian network or something like that? | ||
| The previous owners were Scripps, and they were very faith-based. | ||
| Faith-based. | ||
| And so, like, you know, I think that's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chick-fil-A. They're owned by Chick-fil-A. Yeah. | |
| Fuck, man. | ||
| So yeah, it's nice to know that you go, like you say something fucked up on stage, and your only repercussion is the one chick that's like, that was fucked up. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, I know. | ||
| I took a chance. | ||
| Yeah, I rolled the dice, guys. | ||
| I didn't even know what I was saying before I said it. | ||
| No, it's beautiful to see you working so hard and getting things done. | ||
| And also doing that with your running and the marathons and all the Spartan race shit. | ||
| You're fucking doing shit, man. | ||
| You're getting after it. | ||
| It's great, man. | ||
| It's great to see. | ||
| It's great to see you put together this special and work so hard at it. | ||
| We're in a real cool time right now. | ||
| Everybody's kind of killing it. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I look at what everyone's doing and they're all doing it on their own pace. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| You look at Ari and he's texting me and Big J and Sal and he's like, yo, you guys want to go skiing and do a show to pay for it? | ||
| And then we're all like, yeah. | ||
| And he's like, alright, these are the dates. | ||
| Just so you know, we'll be watching the Super Bowl together. | ||
| No, he's killing it in his own way. | ||
| Everybody's killing it in their own way. | ||
| It's really fascinating. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| It's true autonomy. | ||
| It's like when we all started doing this podcast with you and showing up at your house, the little things we'd see, we'd be like, I remember Tom was saying something about, remember sitting on that couch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you'd sit on the couch, you'd just be backing it, and you'd be like sunk in and high as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrible. | |
| Terrible couch for doing podcasts. | ||
| That was Ari's couch at his house for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, I gave it to him. | ||
| Yeah, after I got it out of my podcast studio, I had it shipped over to Ari, and then he used it as his couch, and then I think he sold it online. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Sold it online, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
On eBay, I think, yeah. | |
| There's parts of that old podcast I missed. | ||
| Do you remember your landline would ring all the time? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| How about my kids when they were real little? | ||
| When they were like two, they'd be screaming in the background like someone would stub their toe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they'd be crying. | ||
| You would hear it in the background. | ||
| That was a fun fucking time, man. | ||
| I had a lot of people come to my house, though, and it was weird. | ||
| It was cool when Bourdain was over, or Jim Jeffries is over, but every now and then I'd have someone over, I'd be like, I don't even know if I like this guy in my house. | ||
| Some fucking weirdo who I brought on the podcast, and now they've been to my house. | ||
| It was too intimate. | ||
| My podcast is still at my house, and we're talking about... | ||
| Tom's doing it, and he's like, you know, I can't just have these people at my house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so I want to get a studio... | ||
| What's Tom going to do? | ||
| I mean, I don't want to tell everyone Tom's business, but I think he's probably pretty open, but he's going to like... | ||
| He's going out. | ||
| He's going big. | ||
| He's going to do what you're doing on probably a smaller level. | ||
| He wants to start shooting stuff and making his own branded content that's just Tom Segura. | ||
| His sense of humor, him and Push. | ||
| Do their podcast out of there. | ||
| Do her podcast out of there. | ||
| Make shows. | ||
| What we should do is we should get another space. | ||
| Build it up just like this space and have one that's got like four studios in it and a bunch of us can use them and you just pay a certain amount of rent per month Man, that's where I'm at. | ||
| I look at and Jamie and I talked for a little bit before you got here But like you know men's health covered this but I shot the whole fucking thing like I shot all of it I shot the Spartan race and edited it and And it's fun for me. | ||
| Like, I shot the whole thing. | ||
| I just went around and set up a camera, go do the event, grab the camera, set up the camera, do the thing, give the camera to Mike Bertolino, do the thing, and I did that with the marathon, covered the whole fucking thing on my phone. | ||
| It's like, if I could get myself a junior fucking editor, bro, I'll put out content every day. | ||
| Throw out the bat signal. | ||
| Put it on your Instagram. | ||
| Just say, you know... | ||
| I think I just threw it out. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You definitely just did, though. | |
| Yeah, you definitely just did. | ||
| But you really want to make sure they're not crazy. | ||
| That's the hard part. | ||
| Yeah, because you get some dude integrated into your life, and they turn out to be insane. | ||
| Because didn't David Spade, his guy, he had an assistant. | ||
| His assistant tasered him. | ||
| In the middle of the fucking night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Someone threw a phone at an assistant. | |
| Who did that? | ||
| Someone else did. | ||
| That was a girl who threw a phone at their assistant. | ||
| That guy got broke into David Spade's house and tased him in the middle of the fucking night. | ||
| How bad must he be to work for? | ||
| For real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it! | |
| That's what you pulled out of it! | ||
| I mean, it has to be... | ||
| I'm not saying that it was justified. | ||
| I'm not saying that. | ||
| But, come on, man. | ||
| Something had to be fucked up. | ||
| You know for a fact that when they were doing the break... | ||
| I love Davis Bain. | ||
| I'm not shitting on him, but you know when they were doing the breakdown, the police officers were talking to Davis Bain. | ||
| You did nothing, huh? | ||
| Like... | ||
| Does he pick up your laundry? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How long has he been working for you? | ||
| How many coffees do you drink a day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was it that you said? | ||
| I love that that's your takeaway. | ||
| How rough? | ||
| Dude, I gotta wrap this up, unfortunately, because I got Gerard here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I found that cartoon. | |
| Oh, yeah, let's wrap it up with this. | ||
| Listen, Burt Kreischer, Secret Time, this Friday. | ||
| Is it Thursday night at midnight? | ||
| Thursday night at midnight, August 24th. | ||
| Thursday night, midnight viewing party. | ||
| That's tonight, you fucks. | ||
| So tonight at midnight, it airs, Secret Time, on Netflix, ready to blow the fuck up. | ||
| I'm in Irvine this weekend, I'll start next weekend, but yeah, check out Secret Time. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| Love you, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Love you too, man. | ||
| Burt Kreischer, here we go. | ||
| This is so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm about to pass out. | |
| That's actually probably better than anything they're going to come up with. | ||
| How much money does he have that he's making his own trailer? | ||
| He's ballin'! | ||
| Ballin', bitches! | ||
| Thanks, brother. | ||
| Oh, that was awesome. |
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